#plus it felt kinda like ...oh no choice is the wrong choice freedom of choice good (peer pressures him into making the 'right' choice)

[floorpancakes]

it was a cruel twist of fate that everything i actually wanted and all my personal growth flashed before my eyes as soon as i ended up in the biggest mental and physical crisis of my life that has slowly eaten away at my will to live and aged me like crazy but at least it gives me (this is a metaphor and not literal***) watanuki kinnie points

[love-death-and-crisis]

CW: religious trauma, addiction.

3 escape

When I got home from the mission I was so relieved to just have control over my hour-by-hour schedule that I just fell into a routine. I remember how it felt like such a relief to just listen to music again. I remember I barely slept the first week I was back because I was just so happy it was over.

I slipped into the expectations of my family and community. I went back to church and fully participated in the lie. I pretended like my mission was as great as everyone expected it to be. Meanwhile at home I tried to tell my parents that I was abused on my mission and my mom's only response was "well, you're still glad you went, right?".

Her ego was so fragile that she chose to deny her own child's abuse rather than admit the smallest fault with her church. Honestly she probably needed to deny the church's abuse in order to continue denying her own abusive actions and maintain the fairy-tale world in her head where she never did anything wrong.

I fell into a rhythm for something like a year. I went to BYU, a college run by the mormon church, and just studied like nothing was wrong.

One day it was like I suddenly remembered "oh wait this is all bullshit and I am really hurting". I know that probably sounds crazy, but that's really how it feels. I was just starting my second semester after my return. I had a free therapist through the school and I started talking with him about my doubts. I remember that I would constantly point out problematic shit the church did in basically any group setting. Most people defended the church with generic bullshit or just kinda looked away awkwardly, but I ended up making a few friends who shared similar views.

I have so much more to say about how I left the church. It involves a wholesome professor of world religions who was the first person to ever tell me that there could be truth outside the mormon church and an absolute sweetheart of a girlfriend who was my first introduction to the queer world. I want to write more about this someday too.

Partway through that semester I just stopped going to church. I lost a lot of friends, some of whom yelled at me or broke down crying when I told them I was leaving the church. I ended up pulling back a lot socially because everyone was responding so negatively.

I tried to actually live my life, enjoy my newfound freedom. I got drunk for the first time (alone) on a bottle of Riesling. Mostly I was planning my escape. My girlfriend and I talked about running away together and honestly I really wanted to, it was the exact sort of sun-soaked romantic dream I had cherished since I was a little girl. But I started to realize that I really wanted to like... explore real relationships now that I wasn't in a cult. Plus, we had vastly different visions of what a future together would look like. I ended up breaking up with her just before the semester ended.

My entire life fit into the back of my hatchback. It was packed to the brim, including a plant sitting on my best friend's lap in the passenger seat. He had offered to drive with me to my parents' home, states away. (I don't want to say what state because I'm fucking terrified of getting doxxed but it was not the state that I grew up in. It was totally new and uncharted for me)

Adjusting to life in the real world was ROUGH. I had lost literally my entire community and I was scared to talk about my leaving the church with even my best friend, even though my choice was obvious at this point. I tried hard to make friends while I worked a shitty food service job, but people kept pulling back from me without warning and would talk behind my back about how awkward I was. Turns out being in a cult for 22 years will make you a fucking weirdo and I was too innocent to realize it. Honestly, to this day I'm pretty sure some lingering mormon culture oozes out of my pores, despite the immense effort I expended trying to cut those parts out of me. I still feel like a misfit even when I'm among fellow autistic trans people.

I went back to school at a state school using my parents' good credit to get loans. I tried to maintain a relationship with my parents (my mind was still blocking out the worst parts of their abuse) but they refused to see where I was coming from. I felt deeply alone in basically all aspects of my life. I spent some time in the psych ward after admitting I was suicidal (god, never again). I basically gave up on making friends, horrified by the thought of being humiliated again. Besides, I was 23 and a sophomore and just didn't really fit in.

School was hard and lonely. I spent most of my free time gaming. I came out to myself as trans in 2019 and started hormones that same year. The pandemic didn't change much for me because I was already so isolated. My roommate lost his job though, and we ended up losing our apartment and I had to move back in with my parents. At this point it was just awkward living with them. They tried to like... pray around me, but they knew they couldn't directly ask me to do anything. I was desperate to get out and saw graduation as my ticket to be free for good.

But I was burnt out to shit. I had decided to get a master's, it only added a year to my education and promised big gains in my pay after school. I remember I had three semesters left and I was planning my classes and I had this huge wave of exhaustion wash over me, followed by naked terror. I couldn't do it. It was too much. I was too tired. How would I keep going?

I had to keep going. I found a way to disassociate from the pain. I started experimenting with drugs and started drinking a lot more. I forced myself to work through burnout to finish school. And I did it! I graduated with a master's, found a job waaaaay out of state, and moved out again.

26 and I was finally free, for good.

I was exhilarated. I was a few years into my transition and got to start in a new place where people only knew me as a girl. I got real hypersexual for a bit. With the help of my therapist I found out I'm autistic. My job kinda sucked, but I was finally free and the drug-like rush of my freedom kept me going for about a year.

Then I crashed. The years-long autistic burnout caught up with me. I still had never taken the time and energy to shed all my trauma. I pulled back again socially. I stopped putting in any effort at work, but it was a work-from-home gig I could do just the bare minimum to keep from getting fired.

For about a year I did nothing but try to process my trauma and learn to regulate my nervous system without substances. It was gut-wrenching work.

But I was making progress. And for most of this year, I really thought I would be okay.

[oneshot-wxnderland]

Break Ups, Clubs, and Froyo. Oh My! | Jason Todd

summary: Jason consoles reader after a breakup.

category: fluff

______________

          This wasn’t the first time Jason’s couch had soaked up your tears. You had always gone to your best friend for consoling and he was always willing to give it. Plus he had a really comfy couch. The only thing different about this time was that Jason wasn’t actually here with you. You should probably call him now.

          “Jason?” You sniffled into the phone and you could practically see him become alert. 

          “What’s wrong?” He asked and just hearing his familiar voice comforted you.

          “It’s Matt...” Jason had never liked your boyfriend, always claimed that he wasn’t good enough for you and that you deserved better. To your dismay he never hid his thoughts around Matt and always made sure to drop little hints that Jason knew where he lived and worked. While you hated the way he not-so-subtly threatened your boyfriend, you always did have to stifle a laugh at how pale Matt got when he did. 

          “Did he hurt you? He gets off work in half an hour. How do you want me to-”

          “Don’t kill him.” 

          While you did currently wish nothing but pain on Matt, you knew that Jason would make good on his threats and you weren’t that mad at him. On the other end of the phone you heard Jason take a deep breath and calm himself down before he proceeded in a lower tone. “What happened?”

          “He cheated on me.” The brief distraction Jason had granted you ended and you started on a new round of sobs. 

          “I’ll be over at your place in ten.” you heard the jingling of keys and you remembered why you had called him.

          “No, I’m at yours right now. I let myself in.”

          “I don’t recall giving you a key.” 

          “...Through the fire escape window.” You admitted and heard him chuckle.

          “That’s my little criminal.” A small smile crept its way onto your lips. “Sit tight I’ll be there soon, baby girl.”

          Ten minutes came and went and you still waited for Jason to show up. Then another ten minutes passed before he finally walked in.

          “You can’t be mad at me because I brought your favorite.” He held up a bag of your favorite takeout as he kicked the door shut. 

          “I forgive you just get over here.” 

          He sets the food down and walks over to the couch where you promptly wrapped your arms around him and buried your face in his chest. Jason pulled you closer and you inhaled his familiar scent. Being the expert in making you feel better, Jason knew that he needed to just hold you and let you get it all out. 

          “Jay?”

          “You ready to talk now?”

          “The food’s getting cold.” His laugh made your body bounce against his and you allowed him to detangle himself from you to go get the food. 

          “Wanna watch something off your feel good list?” Jason asked after he had come back with the food.

          “You know what?” You set your food down and turned to Jason with the vigor of a realization. “Matt didn’t know what my favorite take out was. He didn’t care about my feel good list. In fact, no guy I've ever been with has cared to know those things about me. Sometimes I swear I should just date you."

          Jason suddenly got quiet but you failed to notice while you were in the midst of your epiphany. He only regained his composure when you jumped up.

          "You know what, Jay?" You waited for him to respond, to which he gave you the look that he reserved for when you were being stupid. But you weren't going to let him win this time, so you extended your hand out to him and motioned for him to comply.

           Jason sighed deeply before he caved. "What-"

          "This is a night of celebration!" Jason watched with a small smile on his lips as you paced around his living room, your body alight with new found purpose. "I am free of that loser and now I get to celebrate that freedom with my number one, J-man."

          "How many times have I told you not to call me that-"

          "Oh, yes. We, my friend, are going out tonight!" You turned on your heels and marched down the hallway into his room. Coming back with two of his motorcycle helmets you tossed one to him and put the other on. "Now, go get ready and then we'll drive to my place and then the venue of our choice."

           "Am I allowed to decline?"

           "Nope!"

           “It’s Tuesday.”

           “You know what they say, it’s Friday somewhere!” You called over your shoulder as you went to the front door and threw it open in a dramatic manner.

           “That’s not how that saying goes and you know it!” 

          You got ready in record time, not wanting to waste a minute of the night. But you almost didn't care if you two made it to the club or not since you were perfectly content riding around the city on Jason's motorcycle. Holding onto him tightly and seeing the world race by was all you needed to feel alive.

          The club that you two frequented was significantly less packed since it was a weekday but you didn’t mind at all. Less people to bump into on the dance floor and less of a line for the bathroom. There were also less people at the bar which lead you to become buzzed quicker than normal. 

          “We should make Tuesday our new club night, don’t you think?” You braced your hand on Jason’s shoulder as you brought your foot up to adjust your shoes. These shoes were your favorite but every time you wore them your feet hurt like crazy, and every time you go out Jason reminds you of this but of course you never listen. “So much less crowded.” 

          “We are not becoming Tuesday regulars,” Jason deadpanned as he brought his hand to your waist when you wobbled. 

           “Fine.” You huffed and let go of his shoulder to grab his hand. “Let’s go.”

           “Where?”

          “The dance floor, stupid.”

          “No.”

          “Oh come on!” Jason stood firm as you attempted to pull him along. “You never dance with me.”

          “I don’t like getting pushed by a bunch of sweaty and horny people.” Your eyes lit up and he sighed at his mistake.

          “Well then you’re in luck, my dear boy, because the dance floor is practically empty tonight and you have no other excuses.” He gave in and let you drag him to the floor. But he was still intent on being the stubborn ass you knew and loved so he only stood there trying to suppress a smile as you danced holding his hand and trying to tug him along. He let out a laugh when you spun yourself under his arm and grinned at him like a fool.

          "You know," you started as you grabbed his other hand and unsuccessfully tried to get the rest of him to move. "It takes two to tango, J-man."

          "I believe the current song calls for more of a grind than a tango." He countered and watched as you wrapped yourself in his arms before spinning out.

          "Come on, Jay," you whined and put on the pout he couldn't say no to. "We're celebrating."

          "Fine," he heaved a dramatic sigh and started lamely stepping side to side.

          "You are no fun!"

          "I don't dance."

          "I bet you actually can't dance and you’re embarrassed about it." You continued to try and get him to move properly to the music, even trying unsuccessfully to get him to spin.

          "Yep, you got me. Can I stop now?"

          You dropped his hands and huffed, "Well if you're not going to be any fun I'll find someone who will." You turned away from him to go find another dance partner but before you could take a step he reached out and pulled you back into him. Looking up at him with your hands on his chest, you saw a mixture of emotions you were too buzzed to interpret.

          “Y/n, if you don’t make me dance, I’ll...” he sighed and looked away from you and it was obvious that he was stuck in between a rock and a hard place. “I’ll let you take me to the new froyo place you like.”

          Your eyes lit up and you were already tugging him off the dance floor and out of the club. Ever since Fairy Froyo had opened last summer you had been dying to get Jason to try it out, but he always refused stating that “No manly man, such as I, would be caught dead in such a feminine, juvenile, and pastel establishment as Fairy Froyo, lest his manliness be sullied.” Admittedly, that was more of a dramatic interpretation of his actual quote but it gets the point across pretty clearly.  

          You and Jason made quite the pair. Both your club outfit and Jason’s usual tough guy/ biker get up stood out like a sore thumb against the pinks and purples of the cute little eatery. 

          After sending Jason off to pick a table and promising to pick a flavor that he would like, you walked over to him froyos in hand.

          “What is this?” Jason asked dubiously when you slid the froyo over to him.

          “Edible glitter!”

          “I’m not eating that.”

          “Yes you are. You promised.” He knew that stern look on your face left no room for negotiation, so he cast his gaze at the sparkly confection before him and took a small bite.

          “What do you think?”

          “What flavor is it?”

          “Guess.”

          Jason rolled his eyes at you but obliged. “I don’t know... something fruity?”

          “It’s Fairy-tastic black raspberry!”

          “You know, I kinda liked it before you said that,” Jason admitted which made you both burst out laughing. 

          Seeing Jason like this, having fun against his will in a fairy themed froyo shop all for you, made you realize how much he cared about you. And how much you cared about him. It seemed so obvious yet it took you so long to figure out. Too long. Sitting across from Jason, with edible glitter on the corner of his crooked smile, you felt happier than ever before.

          “Wouldn’t black raspberry just be blackberry?”

          “Don’t question the froyo logic, Jason.”

[featheredglasspen]

Review: A Thousand Beginnings and Endings by Ellen Oh and Elsie Chapman

A Thousand Beginnings and Endings by Ellen Oh and Elsie Chapman is an anthology retelling of East and South Asian mythology through various female voices. Review under the cut.

Rating:  ★ ★ ★ 1/2

The description of this is a little short, but that’s because, like I said, it’s an anthropology. Anthology means that there are several stories inside this small one.  This is definitely one of the better YA short story collections I have read. As with all anthologies, some stories are much stronger than others, but I enjoyed far more than I disliked. Plus, it was just so great to see the exploration of mythologies we don’t often see in the mainstream. And, honestly, it's just so refreshing to see fantasy stories outside of the vaguely-Medieval Euro-centric books we've come to expect. There's a whole world of fascinating history and culture out there - it's time to explore it! My average rating over the fifteen stories was 3.7. Now I will rate each one and discuss my thoughts on them. This is going to be a long one so buckle up!

Forbidden Fruit by Roshani Chokshi - 5 stars

The collection gets off to a bang with this gorgeous Filipino fairy tale and love story. I didn't love Chokshi's first novel The Star-Touched Queen, but I have to say that her flowery, poetic writing works MUCH better in a short story. It's lush and vivid, raising goosebumps along my arms at its end. A goddess falls in love with a human man - oh, what could possibly go wrong?

Olivia’s Table by Alyssa Wong - 4 stars

This was a little strange, but in the best possible way. Wong takes on the Chinese Hungry Ghost Festival in her story. A young girl who has lost her beloved mother makes it her duty to feed crowds of ghosts. It's a tale about grief, told in sweet, subtle interactions. There is something so wonderful and sad about this uniting of the living and the dead through food.

Steel Skin by Lori M. Lee - 3.5 stars

If I was rating the ending alone, this would probably get five stars. It's a science-fiction story with androids, but also about grief and the loss of a loved one. There's the familial aspect: the narrator's relationship with her father hasn't been the same since her mother died; and also a mystery aspect: she teams up with a friend to uncover the truth behind the androids that were recalled. For the most part, I glided through the story, kinda enjoying it but not really loving it like the previous two. And then the ending happened. Perfection.

Still Star-Crossed by Sona Charaipotra - 2 stars

It's a shame about this one because it took some interesting steps but stopped very abruptly and strangely. I turned the page and was shocked to discover that it was over! It's a Punjabi folktale retelling and the author's explanation for the story was really interesting, but I didn’t think her intentions came across at all. The main guy was pretty creepy, too.

The Counting of Vermillion Beads by Aliette De Bodard - 4 stars

Like a lot of these stories, this one was quite weird. Though I found myself really liking it. I also found myself doing some reading into the Vietnamese story of Tam and Cam, which starts like something of a Cinderella tale, in which a jealous sister envies the other's beauty and it leads to tragedy. Here, Bodard rewrites it with a more positive spin, showing the power of sibling love above all else.

The Land of the Morning Calm by E. C. Myers - 5 stars

Aww. This was one seriously emotional, beautiful story about loss and gaming. As gaming is such an important part of Korean culture, it was great to see it explored here. And while I usually find video game-centred stories too light and silly, Myers did a fantastic job of showing how a game can be really important for someone. It can be a much-needed escape, a creativity outlet, or a doorway to an unending universe. I liked this story so much because it took something I don't usually love and did something new and deeply moving with it.

The Smile by Aisha Saeed - 4 stars

Well, I always like a good feminist fairytale! And I LOVE what Saeed did with this one. She takes a tragic love story and rewrites it to give a king's courtesan choice, freedom and agency. It's a gorgeously-written South Asian addition, and somehow both happy and sad. Happy, because it is about a woman finally getting to make her own choices and understanding what love really is. But sad, because much must be given up for the sake of freedom.

Girls Who Twirl and Other Dangers by Preeti Chhibber - 3 stars

This was okay. I enjoyed the alternating between Hindu myths and a modern-day celebration of Navaratri, a holiday I had never heard of before. But, though educational, I didn't feel as much of a spark with this one as I did with the others. It was light, but fairly bland. It seemed a little too long, too.

Nothing into All by Renée Ahdieh - 4 stars

I really enjoyed this one! It's a retelling of the Korean folktale Goblin Treasure and I loved what the author did with it. A girl makes a trade for goblin magic so she can achieve her dream of going away to music school, but her brother becomes angry that she isn't using the magic to make gold that could benefit the family. It's a tale about siblings, forgiveness, the decisions we make and how bad actions can be hiding a good person.

Spear Carrier by Rahul Kanakia - 2 stars

Too long and emotionless for my tastes. I felt like this story was droning on and on in parts, and I neither learned something new from it, nor experienced an emotional response to it. The protagonist goes on and on about wanting to be a hero, and about life and death, and I just took so little away from reading it.

Code of Honor by Melissa de la Cruz - 2 stars

There was a definite slip right around this later middle part of the book. My two least favourite stories were lumped together here. Melissa de la Cruz's work seemed to be a companion to her Blue Bloods series, which I have not read and don't particularly have any interest in. This story was about Filipino aswangs - vampire witches - and contained a lot of gore and gruesomeness, but not a lot of emotion. A potentially interesting concept that left me feeling cold.

Bullet, Butterfly by Elsie Chapman - 4 stars

Gorgeous. Chapman retells the Chinese tale of the Butterfly Lovers - a "tragic tale of two young lovers kept apart by familial duty". Set during a war, this reimagining sees a boy posing as a girl and falling in love with another girl called Zhu. The author breathes new life into a very old concept - that of forbidden love and being torn between duty and what your heart truly wants. Beautifully-written with a touching ending.

Daughter of the Sun by Shveta Thakrar - 4 stars

Inspired by two stories from The Mahabharata, this is a powerful feminist tale about sticking to your guns and putting your true passion first. Always. I loved reading about the two stories this was based on - about “Savitri and Satyavan” and “Ganga and Shantanu”. The theme of a smart woman cleverly tricking a god or demon or jinni seems to come up a lot in South Asian folktales and I must confess: I like it.

The Crimson Cloak by Cindy Pon - 5 stars

Oh, I loved this! I'm not sure why but I sometimes love it when the narrator speaks directly to the reader with a conspiratorial wink (You can never out wait a goddess, Dear Reader. I have all the time in the world.). In this, Pon retells “The Cowherd and the Weaver Girl”, which is itself a wonderful folktale, but here becomes even more so. It's very romantic, definitely a love story, but it's a good one. The author gives a voice to the mostly silent weaver girl in this version, allowing her to tell the story from her perspective. 

Eyes like Candlelight by Julie Kagawa - 4 stars

I wonder if this story has anything to do with Kagawa's upcoming novel Shadow of The Fox because it is also about foxes (well, kitsunes, to be precise). Takeo, the protagonist in this story, is an extremely likable hero and we get pulled along for an adventure with one of Japan's most loved mythical creatures: kitsunes. Typically, human/fox shapeshifters. It's also a little creepy, too. Kagawa captures the eerie small-town setting perfectly and, let's not lie, there's something deeply unsettling about never knowing whether a human is really a human or something else.

Overall, this was a stunning anthology. I would really love to see more fantasy short story collections exploring mythologies around the world with own voices authors. If you like fantasy and you like short stories, I highly recommend these.

Until next time.

[jaeyong]

this is realllllly long and just a venting post which i doubt anyone will actually read but.....anyways it has to do with idols and sex/sexuality etc....

........................

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I don’t usually post opinions about shit kpop fans do but this shit is so gross???LIKe????? Like ......alright I’m not a naive person by any means and I’ve heard that about western band members having groupies etc and shit but why the hell are people so cool with this shit and dismissive about the possibility fans getting treated like groups personal brothel?? (Especially with all the underage girls OMG).... Like I may say this and that member is sexy etc. and thirst over them but dear god I’d would NEVER like being seen as just some sex object that is there at some groups disposal. (also It grinds my gear how op just assumes the majority of fans would actually sleep with their idols like???) And even if it is consensual it doesn’t inherently make something okay, especially when there are power imbalances and where there is a case of impressionable young girls that might get easily manipulated by a famous persons influence ( actually it doesn’t matter the age that’s just such a sleazy thing to do.) And how is that not objectifying????LIKE HOW??? And please miss me with the  “ iF iTs a ChOIce It’s emPOwering “ bullshit because while the hypothetical situation in which a fan DID consent to sleeping with a group member is MILES BETTER than her being forced to do sexual activities without consent, it’s not inherently empowering. It’s just, at fucking  best, not the worst shit that could go down. It’s also not empowering especially when said idol/band member would have probably literally looked at a crowd , pointed at you unfazed and said some shit like, ” I want that one” , reminiscent of picking out a sex toy at some adult themed store. Honestly this is just a personal opinion but I genuinely believe that opportunistic men that use their fame to sleep with women aren’t good people.They just see women as objects (it doesn’t matter whether consensual or not) and are no different then your average misogynist fuckboy, they just have influence and might feel even entitled or smug that they might get to sleep with whomever they want because of fame.  Like I could talk about sex positiveity  for women all day but no matter how I spin it, at the end of the day I know men aren’t gonna give a flying fuck about my sexual freedom  and just see my own potential consent to  as convenient for them to get some pu**y. ( ANYWAYS this kinda feels like I went on a tangent I just wanted to address the fact that people will let anything fly when it comes to women being objectified under the guise of consent ~ ) 

Also another thing is that I find it really weird as hell whenever people talk about idols sexual habi- oh wait a minute *clears throat* , I mean HYPOTHETICAL sexual habits as if they know them and could actually decipher how they would act in a said situation out of like....them acting sexy or their personality..... AND they speak so presumptuously  and un-ironically about these things and it blows my mind. Like, for example,  just because I’m in a certain age and can act sexy for like some skit or dance doesn’t mean a person knows FOR CERTIAN any shit about my sex life, beliefs,kinks , sexual habits etc, you name it.... And what really bothers me is when ANYONE acts like they KNOW better than anyone else about ANYTHING related to an idols sexuality . By this I mean people on the extremes that say vulgar and disturbing shit like op above by talking down on people and saying fans are naive~~ and that idols probs get lots of puss*Y !!!111111 to the other end of of the spectrum where there are people  who think that oppa/unnie are innocent virgins that have never had any sexual thoughts. Both are problematic and just should stop talking about people’s sex life as if they know them.  ( and that includes obsessing over somethings sexual orientation and saying they KNOW when someone is XY or z because they fit into a stereotype....even though people like to preach that you should’t assume orientation because of these things????) 

I’ve had something similar happen to me and I can tell you that 1. They were dead fucking wrong about their assumption and 2- It felt invasive as hell and made me uncomfortable, plus....... even if they were right it just feels really off-putting having someone MATTER OF FACTLY talk about something sexual related to you as if they know shit about you ,when they don’t.

Lastly, I wanted to point out this bad habit of kpop fans projecting onto their faves all these things related to sexuality. I’m really bad at explaining this but it goes beyond just thirsting on their faves ...., it goes into territory that seems really objectifying to me where sometimes a fandom will push this narrative (im not sure if I’m using the right word) or characterization of an idols personality just to suit their sexual fantasies or wishful thinking. I’ve seen this in fanfiction and from personal experience have been in a fandom that distorted an idols image to suite this hyper-sexualized cute UWU baby boy that is simultaneously infantilized ( which is wierd and ANOTHER topic for another day....) and it really disturbs me to the point where I can’t look at some of said idols material in peace. And I know I’m not making a mountain out of a molehole when it comes to associating how fandom chooses to collectively present an idol via fiction (especially sexually) because it does have an effect on reality. Like there has been actual studies on how fictional portrayal can affect reality ( i saw a post but i don’t have a list/links.) Also I’ve legitimately seen people say shit like “ I thought x member was like *insert personality trait* because of how he was portrayed in fan-fiction but found out that he is an actual sweetheart irl” and other things to that extent. Also posts joking around how so and so are portrayed like “x” in fanfic when they are actually ‘different’ in reality. It just makes me think that it’s really telling on how how a lot of times people will use idols as these characters that they can project their kinks on and sexualize and how much indulgence i see in this is iffy.  

( and now this is just extra and shady as hell ngl and just some thought I’ve had....but I also  always find it interesting how people on this site will talk shit about fuckboys saying they ain’t shit etc but then project that very same fuckboy image that they say they hate on some random ass idol JUST because X idol ACTs flirty and confident for fan-service like??? and its even all the more interesting considering how idols mostly have this wholesome/pure~~ image but kpop fans like taking that and doing the most, just completely deconstructing it  ... bonus points if the ones projecting the fuckboy image onto an idol are also the ones telling and insisting to other fans they are stupid for believing  that idols are pure~ Like why do these type of fans latch onto kpop idols that as a whole have a “clean” image just to do the complete opposite and insist otherwise??? Like I makes me wonder... if male kpop idols DIDN’T have a nearly squeaky clean image from the get go, would they have spent all this time fawning over them??? and projecting this “ X idol is secretly a fuckboy sexual fantasy” the way the do now?? Like why do people get so ecstatic over the idea of idols being fuckboys when they could just like ....entertain the average ass that they probably have dealt with in  in their daily lives???) 

(anyways this turned long but these thought are all connected somehow but my another reason for typing this is because if fans are just there to just potentially fuck idols it kinda reinforces the idea that idols are just famous because teenage girls go ape shit over heartthrobs or whatever and not like , cuz the idols are talented and people enjoy there performances???? also the whole standing in line for the opportunity to fuck an idol just goes hand in hand with the whole being a fan that thinks they have a chance to date their idol and is delulu ( actually this is worse yuck).... and i definalty wouldnt want people looking at me like I only enjoy kpop cuz i want my favs dick because kpop fans get viewed in a bad light already.....

[nicksilveirart]

(SING!) Story Not Told, chapter 4 – You've Got A Friend in Me

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Click to read chapter 4:

Ash was tired, exhausted maybe. She didn't remember feeling like this before, not even that day that she stood awake for two days until her grades came. This was more tiring, and felt worst. She wasn't going to tell him anything, not today, and definitely not now, she just didn't want to be alone. Buster was standing right in front of her, and came closer.

"Can I?" She nodded. He embraced her, and she returned the gesture.

Neither knew for how long they held each other.

"I'm too tired to explain anything to you right now." He faced her. "Tomorrow, after the rehearsal, can we talk about it?"

"Your choice." He smiled. "Take your time. I just want to know one thing."

"What's that?"

"Is there a way I can hug you without getting stung?"

She giggled. "Put your hands through the quills, not over them."

He did as told. "Ah. Better, thanks." She laughed a little. "So, what do you want me here for, read you a bedtime story?" He said, teasingly. Ash stared at him.

"Very funny."

"Come on, you didn't ask me to stay just to have a cuddle buddy."

"Maybe I did."

He froze. "Wait, you serious?"

"No."

More laughter. Buster yawned.

"Listen kid, I'd love to sit here and just do whatever but I kinda got an appointment tomorrow and… It's important." He tried pulling away, only to be pulled back into Ash's arms.

"You told me to call you if I needed anything. You can sleep here, there's plenty of space. I just…" She sighed. "I don't wanna be alone."

He gave her a tender smile. "You aren't. I'm here with you." She was clinging onto him as if her life depended of it. He couldn't help but wonder what'd make a teenager as tough as Ash turn into an emotional wreckage such as this. He had a clue, but didn't know for sure. But whatever it was, he was more than willing to help her overcome it.

"It's okay… What happened, is going to be okay. So let's get you to bed, okay?" She nodded. He took her to her room and gently laid her down, sitting down by her side.

"So, once upon a time there was a couple of siblings…" She laughed and punched his leg softly.

"Stop it."

"When would I get another chance?" He chuckled. "Comfortable?" She gave him a nod. "Good. I'll be out there at the couch if you need me. Good night."

"Good night." She accompanied the movement of the door until it was completely shut, and went to sleep.

Buster, on the other hand, took a long time to fall asleep. Not because laying on the couch literally felt like resting upon quills; he was rehearsing in his mind what he'd say to Nana when he met her the following morning. It was easy. He'd go in there, be flattening, and hopefully get out with $100 grand. Must be change if you have millions. He thought, wryly. He took off his shirt and tossed it to the ground, adjusting himself at the less-than-comfortable couch.

In the middle of the night, a loud crashing sound startled him awake. Something out at the streets. He dragged himself to the window. Bad car crash just outside the block. Seemed like a fight was close to erupting. He shut the window and closed the blinds, turning just in time to see Ash standing in the doorway.

"This is normal around here, it's not exactly the best part of town."

He laughed. "It is just a fine part of town, Ash. Depends of how you look at it. Plus, I am awaken very easily…" He started scratching his ears. She laughed. "I think I am a light sleeper."

"Yeah, that's probably the case."

Buster smiled. He was finally coming to terms with her. And Ash had to admit, when he wasn't trying to get her to sing pop songs or wear a dress, he was a pretty funny guy. He was a funny guy, and he was shirtless. She blushed. He quickly covered himself.

"Sorry!" He said, holding his shirt against himself. "I sleep like this at home and I kinda, well…"

"I-It's fine." She turned away. Why does he look kinda good? She thought to herself.

"I'm just gonna…" He laid down at the couch. "Go back to sleep."

Silence.

"It feels like a rock there." He turned. She shrugged. "I gotta double bed in there, if you want to maybe sleep there…"

He froze. "With you?"

"It's not like we gotta engage into anything." She said, matter-of-factly. "It's just so you don't walk like the Hunchback of Notre Dame tomorrow."

"That's a nice movie." He stood up. "Okay, offer taken."

Not too long after, both laid in a bed, staring at the ceiling, and not knowing what to do or say. She was starting to think this wasn't the best idea, but she wasn't going to ask him to leave.

"Have you even written a song?"

She turned. "What?"

"Songs. You have any?"

"No, not yet…"

"Hm. You should write."

She sat in silence for a little while, then turned to him. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you think I should write?"

"I don't know… You kinda seem like you got a lot of story to tell. Just a thought."

"I kinda co-wrote a song. But that was a long time ago…"

"What was it about?"

"Freedom. My friend gave me a melody, and I wrote the lyrics."

"Is it a good song?"

"You tell me." She was about to grab her guitar. He stopped her.

"I trust your opinion. Is it a good song?"

"No, it was plain… I don't know, dramatic and cliché."

"Doesn't make it a bad song." He smiled, getting off the bed and picking her guitar up. "Play it. Got the key?"

"Kinda, it's somewhere here- Wait. What do you want with the key?"

"Guess." He winked, picking up an old guitar that was sitting there.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes. I played in a rock band in my teen years. I was the guitarist."

"You, in a rock band?"

"What, don't I look like a rocker?" He posed. She laughed.

"Oh my god." Her mouth was agape. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. "You play something."

He laughed. "I don't remember much, Ash. Plus, I only played a punk song once, and it was because my friend begged me to do it."

"Play anything."

"I'm gonna play a very old song."

"Fine by me."

He cocked a brow, tuning the guitar. "If you want me to play, you'll have to play." She nodded. He then proceeded to play The Donkey Brothers' Listen to The Music. Just the few broken parts he remembered from playing with his friends when they had free time. He finished, and put the guitar down.

"Nice voice."

"Thanks. Your turn." He smirked. She froze.

"Been a while since I last played this."

"It's been twenty two years since I last grabbed a guitar, and will you look at that." He winked.

After playing a few notes on the guitar, she hummed along with a song she called 'Freedom is a Voice'. At the end, Buster couldn't believe what he had just heard. She was a great composer, and had a voice that'd go with any genre.

"Wow." She blushed a bit, and thanked heavens the room was dark. "You got a beautiful voice."

"Thanks, Mr Moon."

"Buster. Save Mr Moon for the theatre." He winked. "We should be sleeping."

"It's 2:30 in the morning. Night's young!"

"But this koala ain't!" He mocked. Both laughed.

"You know… Outside the theatre, you're a funny guy."

He laughed and bowed. "Thank you very much. And you are a sweetheart outside the theatre, mind I say." She laughed, then came closer to him. "Ash."

"Let it happen." She gave him a soft kiss. He rested his hands on her sides, gently holding her back.

"Ash, this is wrong."

"There's no one here besides us."

"I can get arrested."

"No one will know about this." She tried kissing him again, but was stopped.

"You know what? I think you had a rough rough day today, and are about to do something you'll regret later."

"You're right. I had a terrible day. And it would be nice to add something good to it."

"Not if it is something we both regret later."

"Are you going to regret it?"

"Well, when I'm sitting at my cold and dark jail cell I may regret it." She rolled her eyes.

"Nobody has the keys to here and all windows are closed."

"You'll also regret it, Ash."

"I won't."

"Listen… Have a good night of sleep, okay? None of us is fine enough to make any decisions right now, you had a couple shots, I had a couple shots, and I'm not about to take advantage of you. I need… To think."

There was a remarkable pause before she replied.

"After you return the kiss."

"Excuse me?"

"After, and if you return the kiss I lay it down until tomorrow." She leaned in again. Altho reluctant, Buster shyly kissed her back. She sat on his lap, and rested both his hands at her waist. After a while, they pulled away, and connected foreheads.

"Ah. This was good."

"In a… Weird sorta way, maybe." She was gently rubbing his back. He groaned. "That feels good."

She smiled. "I used to do this to my brother to calm him down."

"You have a younger brother? That's nice."

"Yeah, I miss him. I wish I could visit him without my parents finding out."

He gave her a sympathetic look and planted a kiss on her cheek. She blushed and looked up at him. He shrugged. "We went farther."

"We did."

He then embraced her. She pecked his neck. "Hey."

"Come on…"

"Ash, don't do this right now."

"It's just kissing, it's not like you're taking away my first kiss or something." He was going to protest, but got pinned in the bed.

"Oh my god." He covered his face. "Ash, you're old enough to be my daughter!"

She shrugged. "So?"

"Ha! So? I'm the only one feeling awkward?"

"Pretty much." She started gently massaging his shoulders. "Relax. If I hadn't told you my age, it wouldn't matter now." She kissed his neck. He tensed, and held her back.

"Tomorrow. You said you'd lay it off until tomorrow if I kissed you. Don't rush it… Think about it, and let me think about it, okay?"

She let out a defeated sigh, then laid down next to the koala, who hugged her close.

"Don't be like that."

"It's okay." She said faintly.

"I'm going to ask you something, and you reply if you want to."

His voice was unexpectedly serious. "Say it."

"It's about a boy. Isn't it?" She didn't answer. He sighed. It was right at your face, Buster. Why else would anyone kiss you? He was her perfect outlet from the situation, and he knew it.

"Sleep tight." He muttered, gently pecking her forehead. "Tomorrow when you wake up I'll probably be gone to my appointment, and rehearsal is in the afternoon."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to get the pri- get a loan. To pay for some repairs at the theatre." He lied, "Since someone destroyed my window."

She was running her fingertips at his bare chest, and chuckled. "Hey, I can point a hundred things you should fix before that."

"That's all? I can point two hundred." He smirked. "But no one's gonna lend money to a koala which seemingly spent the night playing cards."

"Silly."

"When occasion requires." He turned off the light. "Night, Ash."

"Good night… Buster."

Both drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.

A/N: Freedom is a Voice is actually a song by Bobby McFerrin, but I thought about an escapee Ash living in the streets composing and thought "eh, why not?" As done with Zootopia, bands get different names in the Sing universe here, and yes, the song Buster sang was The Doobie Brothers' Listen to the Music. I like the ship, but I do like it classy. Sorry leaving you Bustash fans so unsatisfied, but as you can guess, of COURSE some more romance will happen. XD

[kafkasgods]

halloween event: faaya & ellis

ellis merchant

Aside from a few “supportive” comments from family members about the couples’ costume he’d chosen with Sam, Ellis had gotten used to his pretty quickly. It helped that he wore more substantial armour than this during his nightly patrols—or maybe his discomfort was melted by how pleased Sam’d looked with it.

Either way, he was having a decent time, and didn’t even feel the usual skin-crawling nervousness he usually did when he spotted Faaya, so he walked over with a wide grin.

“Hey. Look who’s not working.” Leaning against the wall, his beer swinging from his fingers by the bottle's neck, he asked, “Wanna get wasted and loot Jamie’s apartment?” It was a joke, obviously, just to break the ice. Experience told him there was nothing in there that he would ever be tempted to steal.

faaya shah

Between being able to control her powers and the alcohol, the combination had proved itself to Faaya as an elixir of freedom. She hadn’t quite hit drunk yet, but she couldn’t find it in herself to be bothered by anything at all at the moment. And when Ellis appeared, her friend Ellis, Faaya mirrored his smile, beaming brightly at him. “Nope, you’re right. For once, all the consequences are Jamie’s and not mine, so yes, I’d love to raid his shit. It’s only fair. Do you think we might be able to find blackmail?” Faaya snorted, laughing at the idea. As she sipped her drink, she gave Ellis a once-over. “Can I just say you make a good knight? You could put a lot of Medieval Times employees out of a job, Ellis.”

ellis merchant

This seemed to be a very different Faaya from the one who’d protested she couldn’t possibly lose face in front of her employees. He appreciated her enthusiasm, even if it was in the wrong direction. “I assumed you’d say absolutely not. Hate to disappoint you, but I’m pretty sure the only thing worth taking from his apartment is his weed, and that’s probably all on him, or hidden.” Plus, he didn't want to think too hard on the idea of what sort of blackmail material they'd find, if they looked. The less he knew the better, was his new attitude with everything Jamie-related.

He snorted a quiet laugh. “Thanks, but I'll stick with my boring books.” And he wasn’t sure he knew exactly what Medieval Times was. Ready to return the compliment, he opened his mouth, then found he was at a loss. “No idea what you’re dressed as. But you look great, too.” He casually cheers’d her beverage with his own. “Is it a movie reference?”

faaya shah

“We’ll jump him,” Faaya supplied, thinking of the quickest solution to the problem. The product in question wasn’t even something she took into account, but Faaya was all about problem-solution. Naturally, however, the conversation was forgotten as Ellis laughed. “There’s nothing wrong with an educated knight. Maybe a knight’s your origin story and you eventually learn yourself into a wizard or something. I’ll be the mercenary you have to slay.”

The fact that no one got her costume made Faaya give an audible sigh, but it couldn’t be help. She did know that know one would really get it and it was mostly meant as some sort of statement to Phobos (she didn’t know what), but Faaya didn’t think she’d get so bothered having to answer the question over and over. “I’m Phobos,” she answered exasperatedly. “Earlier on I kept up his aura so it might’ve been easier to tell, but people only want scary in a Haunted House, not a house party.” She clicked her tongue. “Damn shame.”

ellis merchant

“Actually, historically speaking, knights were educated fairly well, and expected to learn subjects like poetry and music along with swordplay and any other physical training,” he supplied, despite the information not being specifically requested. “But tonight I’m actually Romeo, dressed as a knight. My girlfriend Sam is Juliet, though Juliet herself had an angel costume in the movie, so I suppose independently both our costumes work differently.” He’d been so caught up in giving the explanation, he hadn’t even had time to feel self-conscious about describing Sam as his girlfriend.

He was mid-sip and narrowly avoided a spit-take when Faaya explained her own costume, though. “You came as your father?” He gazed at her for a moment, then found himself laughing. “I’d never have the guts to dress up as Nyx.” He tilted his head, considering. “Apollo maybe.” Squinting at her, he added with no small amount of admiration in his voice, “You’re not afraid of any repercussions?”

faaya shah

At the new information, Faaya frowned thoughtfully as that was simply how she always took in learning. She didn’t know much about knights since general learning wasn’t the best at camp and she’d frankly never had much of in interest in the topic. Still, she gave Ellis a firm nod. “Tell me again when I’m sober. I don’t think I’ll remember that.” Ellis mentioned his girlfriend and Faaya was oddly impressed. For some reason, she hadn’t imagined the sad sap alone at her bar had one, but here he was dressed as one half of the most romantic pair in history. “That’s cute, Ellis. How long have you two been dating?”

The reaction he gave prompted by her costume made Faaya smile. It was the best reaction by far and made her a little proud of her choice. “Honestly, I think if he knew, he’d laugh about it or bring Deimos to check it out. He likes this kinda shit.” Faaya flattened the skirt of her black dress a little and adjusted the chains that hung on it. “Now, if I did it poorly, then he might try and traumatize me a little.”

ellis merchant

Too late Ellis realized he’d accidentally slipped into library voice—at least she didn’t bluntly tell him off for being boring, like she could have done. He only had to think a moment when she asked about Sam. “Since August…” He screwed up his face trying to think where he was counting from. It all got a little blurry, and so he amended, “Well, sort of. Took us, or… me… a while to make it, uh... official?”

The idea of godly parents just popping by to check out a Halloween costume and have a laugh seemed utterly bizarre to him—but then, he supposed, he was more distant from his grandparents than most. He chuckled, and gave a little shake of his head. “I really don’t want to imagine what a god of fear thinks a reasonable punishment is—” he glanced at her, and realized it was maybe not something to laugh about. “Uh, sorry, if that’s judgy, or something. I dunno anything about him personally, maybe he's a great father.”

faaya shah

Faaya was happy that Ellis was. Relationships were difficult things, but it was clear he was in the honeymoon stage and she hoped he could stay there a long time. “It definitely takes courage to work it out, so that’s impressive none the less. You’re gonna have to point her out to me sometime.” Faaya wouldn’t have assumed to try and meet Sam as she and Ellis were only recent friends.

Ellis laughed at her joke and she was always glad when she could do that for someone. Maybe that was how Bentley felt when he made people desserts. It was a nice feeling and one Faaya could only admit to under the influence of her drink. Her smile faltered slightly when Ellis seemed to take it back, and the apology he offered her made Faaya abruptly laugh out loud. It took a few seconds before she calmed down and wipe her eyes. “Oh fuck no, he’s the worst. But at the same time, I’ve known him nearly my whole life. I wouldn’t be the same person if I didn’t. So yeah, he’s terrible, but I’m, you know, used to him. I like it. What’s Nyx like? Or Apollo?” She asked conversationally.

ellis merchant

ellis cleared his throat purposelessly. he'd never been complimented on his ability to maintain a relationship, because... he'd simply never managed it before. “she works at queen hera’s, so if you’ve stopped in for coffee, you might’ve met her already,” he offered awkwardly.

the topic turned back to the gods, and he adjusted the edge of his costume where the armour was digging into his shoulder. “uh, they’ve always been sorta… distant. i’ve only met apollo a couple times. he mostly drops in to see how my dad’s doing, and they seem close.” he left off mentioning the messages that got passed on to him on his birthday, because it felt childish and made him squirm.

his grandmother, though... ellis sipped his beer, recalling. “i’ve only met nyx once, a few months ago. took a lot of work to get her attention, which… i would’ve been surprised if she’d responded at all, but she brought me to meet her in person.” a shiver ran down his spine. “she’s very, uh. otherworldly? she doesn’t try to hide what she is. possibly the most terrifying moment of my life.” he remembered waking up afterwards next to the altar where he’d performed the ritual, and then shortly after, eddie stumbling over him as he was still recovering.

[exi-dentally]

Accidents - Kim Yugyeom x Reader

Title: Accidents Author: Haru. Pairing: Kim Yugyeom x Reader Request: Fluffy Yugyeom scenario where he bumps into a senior girl in high school and begins to wait for her every week after school. At first she finds it annoying, but begins to like it. Sent in by Anon!

"I'm begining to think Highschool hates me." 

"You're literally over-reacting. This is our last year," The girl replied, holding onto her books - which was basically her whole first 4 periods during the morning before lunch - in her arms, cradling them near her chest. "We're seniors, Brynn! Seniors! We leave this school, the horrible, crappy uniforms," Their uniforms were quite crappy. It consisted of  a kilt, which was black, yellow and brown plaid - their school colors, yippie - and a choice of white or black cotton polo shirt - which, ladies and gents, do not breath in the summer time. "The horrible teachers that cannot, for the life of them, say our names properly--" "I'm starting to think Mrs. Smith said that to spite me," Added in one of her best friends, Brynn, with a roll of her eyes. "I mean, my name is Brynn, Mrs, not Bree. Whenever I see her, she still calls me Bree. It annoys me, but I can never," The brunette sighed and looked over at her friend, quietly indicating she can finish her sentence. The female let out a giggle at her best friend's antics and then continued. "My point exactly, but it's also freedom from this prison and experience University." "Yeah, but there aren't many choices of places to attend here, I mean, we'd have to go out of the country for that." "True," The female turned and faced her class - which was Biology - and, with the best of her ability, gave her friend quick hug. "Anyways, weirdo, I'll see you at Lunch?" "Yeah, the usual place?" "Well, duh, where else would we eat?" Both girls let out a laugh before parting ways to their classes. Getting into the Bio Lab, the female walked to her designated spot in the lab bench near the door, second row, placing her binders, textbooks and pencil case away in the little cubbies which were built into the lab bench. Her friend, Celeste, ran in and took a seat next to her, just before the bell went off. "I just made it," She muttered, quite out of breath. Her actions made (Y/N) stifle a laugh, taking some of Celeste's binders and textbooks, helping her put them away before the professor came to teach the class on the wonderful world of Biology - yes, I am being sarcastic. "You know, if you didn't walk your little crush to class, you wouldn't be late." "But that's the only time I could see him!" Celeste protested, pouting a little bit as she sat on her stool, scooting beside her friend. "Besides I made it, didn't I?" "Barely, but it still counts, the professor isn't here yet," The female sat up and pointed to the door in the front of the room, near the smartboard, which lead to the prep room for the science teachers. "So you're all in the clear." "Good. Now, don't mention anything about me coming in late and I'll let you copy my homework." "You know me so well..."

During lunch, the three friends decided to eat out, since, and thank the Gods, the principal allowed their lunch to be extended longer than usual. "So, poutine?" Asked Celeste as she approached the Chip Wagon - an off-yellow, food truck that sells quite amazing and glorious fries and occasionally poutine on a good day - taking out her wallet from her jacket she had on. "If you say no, I really don't care because I'm eating poutine either way." "I think I'll have something from Metro," A literal supermarket near their school which sells already prepared meals for students or people on the rush for certain meals like lunch or dinner. "I had poutine with my family last night." Spoke (Y/N), stuffing her cold hands into the pockets of her jacket. With that, she left Brynn and Celeste to their own and made her way to Metro. The automatic doors of the supermarket opened as she approached the place, stepping in and feeling the coolness of the fall breeze leave her as she was enveloped with the warmth of the establishment. The female student timidly walked inside, unzipping her jacket slightly, allowing her uniform to show and slipped past the various people, stumbling across the food section. Her eyes scanning over each meal, finding something to her liking. "Should I have a sandwich or get a tortilla wrap?" As she was making up her mind, a person bumped into her back, making her stumble forward and almost fall straight into the cart which held the food. "I'm sorry!" She heard a masculine voice speak behind her, making her turn around and meet with chocolate brown eyes of the tall stranger. "I didn't mean to hit you." "Oh, no, it's, ah, fine," The girl stuttered out, her eyes slowly slipping down his body, studying him in a way. "I didn't mean to block the aisle by just idly standing there." "You did nothing wrong, it's fine," He smiled and held out his hand for her to grab, helping her back to her feet. "This is awkward," His cheeks heated up as the situation finally got to his head. Situation? How was it awkward? Oh. Oh... Oh.... She was literally in the arms of a stranger, but kinda cute stranger... How is this not awkward? Her cheeks heated up as well, making her eyes shift to anywhere but his stupid, adorable... Wait, adorable? He can't be adorable! He looks older than her, and, by default, if someone looks older than you then they must be older. Wait, he can't be that old right? "How old are you?" The words flew out of her mouth before she had time to process it. Well, now the situation is even more awkward. "I mean, what's your name...?" Great cover up. "I'm 19," He replied, looking down at her clothes - I mean - uniform and chuckled to himself. "You're in High school--" "I'm a senior, meaning I'm graduating this year, for your information," She corrected, quickly reaching behind her, grabbing whatever container of food she can get from the cart. "Which means, I'm just a year younger than you--" "Yugyeom." "Yu-Yugyeom," She quietly said his name - Yugyeom's name - and coughed. Taking ahold of the container of food, she quickly blasted to the self check-out, not caring if people looked at her crazy, scanned the item and paid for it. "God save my soul." She whispered to herself as she ran to her friends, feeling Yugyeom's gaze on her back as she escaped.

The bell rang, signalling the end of school, the girl stepped out of the hellhole - High School, and saw a bunch of girls, besides her friends, crowded at the front of the school near the flagpole. Rolling her eyes she quickly walked past the crowd of people, bumping into a back of a person. "You just seem to keep bumping into me, huh?" A familiar voice reached her ears as she looked up to meet the chocolate brown eyes of Yugyeom. He grabbed her hand softly and brought her to her feet, making all the girls around them groan. "You have to watch where you're going, (Y/N)." How the hell--- "If anything, Yugyeom, you bumped into me the first time," She replied and dusted her skirt off, looking down to hide her apparent blush. "And, how do you know my name?" He held out her wallet between his two fingers with a small smile. "You dropped it." This is starting to feel like a K-drama. "Oh," Was all she could say as she walked over, taking her wallet from his hands. "Well, thank you for that." "No problem, (Y/N)." And with that, she let out a small smile of appreciation before walking away to the bus stop. 

It seemed to play out like that every so often. Yugyeom showing up at her school like that. At times he had excuses, or sometimes he just appeared there - she started to theorize that he was secretly the Cheshire Cat from Alice and Wonderland. "Your boyfriend is there again." Brynn whispered into her ear as they walked out of the front doors of the school, glancing over to the flagpole where the little shit was leaned up against. "Brynnie, he isn't my boyfriend." "Yet he waits for you afterschool and sometimes walks with you to the bus stop." "He probably doesn't have any friends." "Stop making excuses, Missy," Her best friend lightly punched her in the shoulder with a knowing smirk. "I bet he's doing this because he likes you." "Oh please, he's older. Do I need to remind you every time this happens?" "Age is just a number!" Brynn said in a cheery tone as she went the other way to the parking lot to wait for her parents to pick her up. The girl groaned as she walked past the flagpole, Yugyeom following her like a little puppy. "How was school today, jagi?" He asked, using a word she didn't quite understand - to her knowledge, he said it was something nice and cute, which fit her, yay. "Decently," She replied, putting her hands under her backpack straps near her shoulders. "I don't have as much studying to do tonight." "That's good." In all honesty, this part she didn't mind about Yugyeom stalking waiting for her after class. It felt like someone, other than her best friends and family, cared about her mundane, stupid life as a Senior finishing high school - about the stupid amounts of homework, irritating teachers, popular students who like to tease her, etcetera. "How was your day?" "The usual - crazy, since we have to practice lots, but also fun because I get to spend it with you." That earned a playful shove, making Yugyeom laugh. "Dork." "Yeah, but I'm your dork." "Wait, what?" "Oh look at the time, your bus is coming soon." "Yugyeom! Don't you dare--" And he ran as fast as he could in the opposite directions, both of them left with beating hearts and flushed cheeks.

A/N: This was a fun request to write! Granted, I was pressed on time since I won’t have wifi tomorrow, so I wanted to get this out for the wonderful anon that requested it! The people in this story are my IRL best friends and I kinda wrote it how I would react in this because I am a Senior in highschool hehe!! (Plus Yugyeom is my bias aaagghhh)

-H.

[joisapig]

Looking Back and Moving Forward

With the new year resolution made, my life was back on track. So much freedom and happiness in me and I feel like the luckiest woman on earth to have so many close and loved ones supporting me.

¾ of 2016 had been rough from the beginning till after the break up. However, it was also a relief that I got myself out of that shit hole which I kept falling back in the last quarter. It wasn’t easy, and I wouldn’t say I was proud of myself either but I managed to get out of it.

And was I glad I did.

I become the person I am and do things I want to. The experiences were amazing and they filled me to the fullest.

Right after the rough stint, I went to Malacca with my brother and his family in mid Aug. They welcomed me with open arms and the “self-pitiful” me went along and was pulling a long face the whole three days because I was supposedly heart-broken. However, having family around is the best thing ever. They left you alone to your moods but still tried to be there at the same time. For that, I’m grateful.

Estelle invited me to try pole dance with her. At first I was skeptical, I ain’t got no dancing bones in me! Been there, done that! 4 years in modern dance in secondary school. And I still feel stiff as fuck. I suspect it could be my shoulders know. Like cmon, relax man~ But, I still went for it. I joined kfit. What’s there to lose? Nothing. I needed to keep fit anyway. Tried many studios, tbh it was fucking fun. I’ve always love doing new things, more of like challenging myself. Imagine hanging on the pole and doing some awesome tricks but still looking graceful. Well, I can try that, cant I? But, I was err “shy” or should I say lazy? And this is what Estelle told me, “I’m going US the next month and you should really go for classes yourself instead of only when with me. Because this will then prove that you genuinely like it and you aren’t going because I am.” Woah. What?! That was a given challenge. Hey woman, I love it so I’m gonna show you that I really do. And that’s when I did. Went for pole classes myself, made new friends and brought friends in. Fun as fuck. And Estelle returned from US amused and proud of my improvements.

Phuket in Sept was next with liyuan for 5D4N. It was amazing. I said I want to surf and she went right along with me. That was fun and I absolutely enjoyed myself that we went again! It was liberating to do things for myself. I had time. Time for myself which was lost when I didn’t know how to manage.

Then Bangkok in Oct was next with lovely Huiyi and Zhimin. Huiyi’s mentor tagged along and I must say I was a little sad that they didn’t have anything going on. I really wish for her to have someone who’s not him in her life instead. Then there will be future ahead. But Bangkok was fun. I shopped so much! Bought stuff for myself too! I was happpppy!

And in the very same month, I got a surprise from my manager that I’ve got a salary adjustment for my work. It was great news because I felt at least now I’m earning the “right” amount in comparison to others in the society. I love my job. I love IT. And to be recognized for my effort was encouraging because this is a company which values its people. I’m blessed.

In Nov, I’ve decided to join an all girls’ darts league. It was a great decision made. Tiring as it was, I got to meet many people and gained league experiences. It was challenging and for the first few games, I was nervous. I always wish that I can focus. It’s like I am a 3 minutes person. Ooo, I love this, I’m gonna do this and excel in it. Then, I lose focus and it’s gone. But this league, it keeps me going. I didn’t have a choice. It was a commitment. And because I have teammates which I don’t want to “let down”, I practice. And when you practice, you improve. And it is still fun to me. When you hit the bulls and triples, the sounds coming from the dart board exhilarate me.

Yixuan broke up in Dec. She said I seem so happy and doing things that I like which made her see why her relationship wasn’t working out. I don’t know how her relationship was. But I have always felt that relationships starting out since secondary schools or junior colleges lasting till now seems to be like couples only having each other. This is what I see from social media which I could be wrong but the couples are usually hanging out with only each other. And that isn’t healthy I suppose. Sometimes, we need friends around us too. But of course, always set your priorities right. I’m really glad for her though. Super glad. Not the break up but her changes. She is so much happier now and amazing. She was the matured one in our clique. Now there’s this wild side of her appearing and full of life. Spontaneous but hopefully, still able to keep herself safe.

So past 2016 after the break up, I told myself that I would stay single for a year but I have friends telling me there’s no such thing. When love comes, it comes.

Even though I said I would be single, I did go dating around. I was just thinking like hey you know what, I have to meet people. Meeting people is interesting. You get to read them, find out what you like or dislike. I know I don’t have to meet guys and I don’t need any more new friends, but I would wanna know what’s good for me too. I’ve always wanted to settle down but I find out that hey, it doesn’t work that way. You don’t want to settle down then you meet anyone and that could be the person for you. No. Because you don’t settle. I want to meet the person who makes me want to settle down with. The idea is different now.

Truth be told, I’ve probably met about 7 new persons from tinder. None matters of course. But sometimes, the funny thing in life comes least expected. Met up with Chelsea and the rest as usual to have meal in HV and we were just talking about life when she teased me about liking Indians and wanting to intro her friend to me. I was like nah, not interested luh. I don’t like Indians specifically but I like nice people. And liking nice people don’t mean I have a thing for anyone. So after the meal here and there, apparently there was a plan to go clubbing and her Indian friend was going along. And that’s when I met him.

Okay, cute. Okay, tall. Hello beer belly. Hello smokes. Eek. Nopes! Haha! So I formed these in my head. But he suddenly became fucking cute to me that night in the wee morning which must be due to the alcohol. Entwined his fingers around mine to lead me in the club was interesting as I dont usually do that with strangers. But then again, my clubbing experiences could be counted with two hands back then. Haha.

Whatever it is, somehow, he texted me the following evening and we began texting everyday. I would say our texts were purely friends. Just talking and I didn’t read much in them which of course I shouldn’t. He seemed nice but I didn’t feel that we had a lot to talk about because we were only getting to know each other. But when we started to self disclose in our meetings, it felt different like in a nice way.

And in someway, he slowly grew on me like a constant. I can tell him anything and I don’t have to worry what fucks he thinks about me. I can be me and I am me. I feel comfortable around him and it was nice yet scary at the same time. I don’t know what the fuck I was getting myself into. I really don’t want history to repeat itself and so I really have to protect myself. I am cool headed. I have to be. I was a diver. Not literally. But someone who falls head over heels over a human quickly and stays devoted when there is supposedly chemistry or sparks. I can’t be that person anymore. This time, I need to be in control of myself.

He told me he likes me and asked me to go The Canopi with him but I was afraid. I don’t want to get hurt again in any way know. And somehow, when he mentioned Taiwan (I love Taiwan), I thought hey that seems fine.

Side track (so me!), I went to Bangkok with my family and friends in early Jan. Months filled with travels make me happy. All the exciting line ups. I feel like a free bird. Oh and I joined a new mixed darts league too as the previous one ended. This bunch of new people is just as fun and lovely!

Anyway back to Taiwan, I went there with him this Feb. It kinda changed things. We grew even closer and I would say we had fun together. Good fun. And I really enjoyed his company. He’s respectful and have amazing self-control there. Thumbs up gentleman. And Kenting was fucking amazing. Especially that one full day we had where we e-scootered the area and ended the night off with the perfect suggestion from him to look at stars together on the beach in the night. I’ve always wanted to do stuff like that and I get to with him. Seems like our travel plans just worked out and flowed when we are together. For now I would say as it is just the beginning. I daren’t look into the future just as yet.

A week plus after Taiwan, we had our first fight kinda too and he just bolted. It felt like when things got bad, the supposedly close person to you would leave. It felt like people only stay when time is good. That feeling sucks big time but we did get to know one another a little more than before. I could have just fucked it and moved on with life initially but me being me, I needed answers and clear cut ones too so I messaged him first. Felt like a loser but as usual I wanted closure. What was the point of closure though when someone doesn’t want me already and yet I kept questioning why. No means no, simple as that. But if he bolts again, I don’t think I want to deal with it because it hurts I hope I am firmer and stronger now than before.

Anyway we had our first staycation together on 25 March. It was the best stay I ever had. I felt so at ease with him just being me. Saying shit and doing silly things with him knowing that he will not view me indifferently after. It was liberating and exciting much. Lovely meal at TheLab. He picks good meal choices yet he doesn’t know. Heh. And all he talks about was McSpicy, no lettuce add cheese only. Teehee. And jacuzzi was awesome. There were lights and he filled the jacuzzi up with bath salts and shower gel. So many bubbles and so foamy! We drank and danced a little. His dance moves are so frigging adorable. Haha!! I love it when he seems so carefree and happy. Okay fine, he drank a lot more than me. Ha!

Oh and when he winks with one side of his lips inching upwards, that is fucking hot and cute. There’s this cheeky kid in him that makes me smiles and I just want to squish him so bad. Those big eyes staring into mine. I can lose myself in his eyes all day and night.

Mid March was Hongkong trip with my JC clique. So blessed to be able to hang with them the 9 years of friendship and still counting. That aside, all I can say was boy am I glad someone didn’t show up due to work. Because by then, I only want to be seeing him and none other.

Oh and I’m rubbing my feet now too. So smoooth.