#plus a few more as I think of people
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Very Oddly Specific Vibes of (some of) my mutuals!(mainly if I interact with you a bunch)(I will be adding more this post will get so long)
@hauntedsuns (sunny!)
The smell of strawberry cotton candy, and the color of sunlight through a sun catcher tinted purple, the texture of a popcorn ceiling painted sky blue and the feel of when you are spinning in a flowy skirt and it’s not quite raining because there aren’t many clouds and it’s sunrise so all the clouds are nice colors. Pink and blue mica powder swirling in water, and the sound of pancakes getting made. And just have Aphrodite vibes.
@wyvrens (wyvren<- adopted child)
The crunch of a grape jolly rancher, the smell of air in the kitchen after snickerdoodles are made, a dinosaur shaped penutbutter sandwich. You are the sparks before the match lights, and the stim whre you hold your arms a little away from you and wiggle your wrists. Running fingers over a gecko that’s not quite cold but is cold blooded. The sky right before night in a city where it’s not dark but it is dusty, streetlights reflecting off a green house and Christmas lights up in October.
Izzie-re’pue:)
The minty taste of bubblegum icecube gum, the smell of squishmallows, the soft light when you shine a lamp through a scarf so it doesnt hurt your eyes. You are the stim where you are sitting criss cross and wiggle your shoulders and it turns down to your torso, happy and good. It’s when you see the stars and are sitting on the grass so you wiggle our shoulders and you feel it all the way down your torso, not anxious. Eating moss, but only if it was edible, and getting an obscure tattoo so that you can make up stories for what it means. Shadow puppets on the wall with the light of a phone screen, stirring a chocolate spoon in milk while rain falls in April. You are the smile when the first snow falls and the whole class runs to the windows to look, the quiet of a full house when everyone is sitting together.
@thedoctorandclaraforeverandever (Zoya:))
Firelight shining on stones(like the big blocky ones fireplaces are made of) and apple cider. the little bits of paper that fly up when you burn it, and cinder blocks painted orange. sharp ish thing is tree bark. white oak tree bark. it looks all rough and angry to touch but is actually soft and will fall off the tree easily. Waving to someone as they exit the airport and you meet for the first time, and an arm around your shoulder. The smell of popcorn half way through the movie, and music in headphones.
@wardofwinters (Pauhi Life)
Melted wax on a penny, and sunlight on pavement. leaves blowing through a doorway, scarves on lights, worms digging through the dirt, unseen by everyone. 27 candles burning at once but only 3 have sents and they are all warm smells. pine needles if anything sharp, pokey but actually not. Eye contact and giggling, shushing the other. Trading notes telling you to take care of yourself and staring until they open it. Excessive and unnecessary punctuation, but it’s fun. Bumping shoulders and knocking elbows. Post offices and the taste of envelope glue. Spinning in so many circles and staring at the stars once you fall.
#sunny:D#zoya:)#pauhi life!#wyvern#izzie-re’pue#seeds in the garden#this will be reblogged with more as I add more people#expect in the future: Dante/ Richard/ Tala/ and Aaron!#plus a few more as I think of people#AND FLOWER#can’t edit tags on mobile it’s really annoying#goose and blue#you guys are also on the list
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thank you for your blog title; you appeared in the Suggested Blogs thing and i was like "!! YAYYY" and now have the third volume of Juni Ba's Boy Wonder
WOO CONGRATS!! a proud owner of peak art and writing!! 🥺
i’ll be updating my title after another week or so with #4’s release date (August 7) for anyone wanting to preorder or just a lil reminder ^^
IT’LL BE A TALIA POV ISSUE!! 💚
#ask#thanks for letting me know!! happy to get a few eyes on the book but even better for people to be able to grab a copy!! 🥺#i think a 5-issue miniseries feels a lot more manageable to own physical copies of too#they don’t take up too much space PLUS all the original AND variant covers are gorgeous!!#not even to mention the interiors. BASICALLY JUST A LOVELY RUN TO HAVE IN YOUR HANDS
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My absolute favorite thing about your blog, even more favorite that Vachete, is the care and interest you put into each response. Be it an ask or an art piece, you always eloquently break down each individual aspect and comment on them. It always makes me smile.
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#aw geez#thank you! that's such a sweet thing to say!#these are things I like to talk about so it's not like people have to try very hard to get me to ramble about stuff I hold dear#tumblr as a whole seems to have an atmosphere that encourages being open about passions special interests and one's creative projects#it's terribly flattering that folks are interested in engaging with what I make to begin with I don't take that for granted#and having your original characters depicted by other artists is a huge deal#it takes time and effort and thought to create anything especially if it's for someone else#I try my best to let them know that I've stopped to look at and think about their work in a way it deserves#and I like art and I like talking about and analyzing it and if someone made it for me and it features my brain goobers I like it even more#plus I know receiving comments is rewarding so I try to write ones that take longer than a few seconds to read#every time I get thoughtful feedback the good feeling lingers for ages and I'd imagine most people feel the same way#answered#hylorien
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So i was thinking about your Wolfstar Marvel AU again (it should pay rent with how much it's spinning around my head) and like,,,, Sirius not having any kind of closure about Remus,,, he doesn't know what happened to him, they never found a body or any traces of him and then he was pronounced dead and Sirius just. Doesn't know. He doesn't even know why they took Remus in the first place. And he probably feels guilty about it too (bc ofc he would!!!). Just, the lack of closure of it all, the big question mark haunting him, up until 70+ years later when he's face-to-face with Remus again (I'm loving it)
Hi hi hi!!!! 💕💕💕 Thank you so much for the ask! I am so happy we both find it consuming haha and I agree. AU needs to start paying me hourly wages for just how much it keeps me up and wondering at night. I would be in tears and at the end of my wit, if I had to do just part of this research in school (I was not into history or any literature for school, and that's putting it mildly.) and now I do this willingly lol.
You know one of those, "I'm so glad you asked"- *7 hour long vm* memes? I fear this will end up like that. Bear with me.
Before we get into that, I'll clear up some background? So Remus was first taken along with a lot of their troop (ambush?), and they were partially injected (plot reasons plot reasons!! I feel like you can guess why!!) and the Sirius and co rescued them etc etc. And then Remus was targeted specifically.
So before the permafrost, I feel the situation was very bad for Sirius. For one, he would have agreed to the Serum in the first place because Remus was in captivity (also for the war effort, of course, but to Sirius, at that point there really was no room for question which may have been there otherwise), and then he got Remus back. Just to lose him again.
And then, to the Military and almost everyone else, Hope and Lyall Lupin lost a son, but Sirius Black lost a fellow soldier. He lost a comrade. Sure, they were friends, so him being vengeful is believable, to an extent. And no one really gets the blank look in his eyes, after.
I believe there was a quote that went like, "Should you lose a spouse/partner, there is a shared understanding of the relationship, but when you lose a friend, there's no tangible evidence, no widely acknowledged way to mourn."
Except, for Sirius, he did lose his partner, love of his life and dearest friend of so many years. And no one understands. Maybe James and Lily know, but it is the 40s. Realistically, they are quiet about it at best. For him it is both, and all the more painful. And he doesn't get exactly why Remus was targeted either. Remus was at an integral position in the OSS, unusual for his age, recruited at the very beginning, one of the sharpest minds, so it could have been that. And god, he was cold blooded when he got to fighting. But of course, he cannot shake the feeling that it was because of him.
So, in that time, the days he spent looking for Remus with James and Lily, (which really wasn't much, they would not have been allowed to!) he is partially cynical. Not to the point of self-blaming but enough to self-destruct. James tries to get him out of it, but Lily grits her teeth. She doesn't say much, because she understands, I believe, how much at that point he just wants it to end.
*BAM* permafrost.
After he gains consciousness, he would have blanked out for a while, because what even is this? But he doesn't, because after the first few excruciating minutes, when the blood is pounding in his chest, looking at every flash of light, every building and car that look unnatural, really, the first thing he processes is Moody telling him that the War is over. Good, at least something went well, he thinks.
They tell him many soldiers were rescued, because that's the first thing he asks. After it sinks in, he wants to hope, and maybe he does. Because this is real, he can see it. As outlandish as it is, he is in the future. If this can be real, how foolish would it be to hope that maybe Remus made it too? He would be old, and he would have lived his life. Maybe with someone else, and that's okay. If he gets to see him one more time, Jesus, it's okay.
They tell him what happened with HYDRA and his family. They tell him about James Potter and how he revolutionized weapons, they tell him about Lily Potter, who later went on to join the NSA. God, he gets fucking giddy hearing all of that, because it worked out. For someone, it did. For James and Lily, it did. He wants to meet Harry.
And he starts to have a nagging thought, because with how they speak of and to him, maybe they would have mentioned his known childhood friend. And Remus was known to his own credit.
So he asks, slowly about one Remus Lupin?
And lo and behold. They know of him of course, of course, he was Captain America's best friend. But nothing was known of him post war.
He tries to hold his face and nods, but Moody gives him a strange look. Tells him that he'll look into it for him. He tamps it down, though, there is no point in a wishful fantasy. He would have begged Moody if required, but there really is no point. And he doesn't think he can open his mouth without saying something incriminating.
Moody offers him the initiative, of course, but they tell him to take a breath, see the world, find himself first. And he does, he takes a few days. But then he gets time to think about it, to mull things over, to reevaluate his last choices. When he is trying to ease into the new world, he is busy, things are overwhelming. But once he gets home, he spirals. He remembers how panicky he had been during the first rescue mission. He had been desperate. And what if that clued them in? There were others in the OSS. So why just Remus?
It had to be him.
So he throws himself into missions, trains hard, exhausts himself so doesn't have to think. He does what he's always been doing, he helps SHIELD and doesn't question much, because he is still processing. Some things stick out but one can only handle so much, yeah? Besides, James and Lily were the co-founders.
He finds out. Well. Many things about his past and it's just so much (I'll stop or this itself will spiral to 3k.)
I feel he's quite mercurial at times in these days. Unsettled, but he keeps going. He drinks sometimes, gets shit faced. Those days are increasing, really.
Then he meets Elena.
And there is something striking about her. Such a young girl, and he can see it in her eyes that she has seen a lot. Too much. He sees himself in her. And he is protective. He is maybe a little taken aback. Because she seems so much... like an old soul.
And Elena is drawn to him too. She opens up, slowly, slowly, which she doesn't normally. But he is fiery. Like her. And they mostly have the same stances. She doesn't speak of her childhood, and so he doesn't ask. She does mention she had a dad, and though seemingly not for long, she remembers her name from him.
She seeks out his company and it soothes something in him. I feel he's a little more settled? With time? I mean it's hard to pity yourself when there is someone dragging you out to bowl and join soccer clubs, when that someone is a loner too. Even though thinking of Remus' hurts a little more each day, because he feels that Elena and Remus would get along so well. Man she even fights like him.
So when he sees Remus again, it is whiplash of the worst kind. Remus is just there. Because it is Remus and it is not, and he is standing there just staring because this Remus even fights the same. And he sees Elena standing frozen there, and it suddenly hits him that she looks... like Remus.
Except for her eyes and it is like he is watching everything from afar. All he can do try to hold Remus back. Until Neville flies them away.
Because what has his life come to?
Elena is not responding. She is not even looking at him. And Sirius is thinking a thousand miles an hour. I think he'd find out everything he can about whoever this Winter Soldier is.
Before they finally bring R in for questioning I feel S would be overcome with guilty and longing and a lot of painful confusion, really.
And mostly, Sirius is guilt ridden. Remus was in there, with them doing who knows what to him, for 70 years? He never deserved that. Sirius was outwardly rebellious. It was his family helping fund HYDRA. And then there's Elena. Is Elena Remus'? Because how in the world did Remus manage to have a kid while he was trapped in a facility?
There is something really cool about her name. if you look closely.
Outside of his blackouts, Remus solely spoke Russian to everyone around him for 70 years right? So it seems logical that's what he'd speak to elena in that environment, mind controlled half the time etc, before they were separated (she was like. 7) and he'd find it a little difficult to slip into English again, or that's what Elena thinks. So when he demands to meet her first, she storms in, defensive stance (Sirius is standing right outside by the way) but Remus just blinks. Because they said it was Elena Chernova. But it's not. It's Helena Black.
And Sirius just. Dies a little.
Basically. He is spiralling.
So is this, so I'll stop here.
Based on this post. + snippet.
#by the way i got more of the cursed visions while writing this#thank you for this#I will write essays and spoil the entire thing anytime anyday you want me to#this has taken up permanent residence#remus is not trans because well I'm not sure how that work out in the military#he is pregnant because. super serum#come on if they can age only about 8 years instead of 70 plus have super human strength this could happen too#enhancing humans and everything#right?#this is terribly self indulgent i know. i feel like this will make sense to. very few people. but you liked it.#thats the plot reason by the way#oh and elena has those anti aging genes too hence why she's twenty#i believe she would have been born in 1945? 46?#remus' pov would be so fucking tragic in this au#i have his story roughly written out and i think i would end up crying if i went to properly write it down#it will require someone braver than me#also it is easier for me to get into sirius' head so the entire thing would be from his pov#i would love to hear your thoughts#Wolfstar Marvel AU#breed that old man#answered asks#aeligsido#💞
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I know the answer might be no but still!
Are you ever going to make or add your characters into character ai?
I think it'll be really cool to be able to talk to Ollie, or just talk to the whole gang!!
Also lots of love to your art and comic, I found this comic when I was at my lowest and it really helped me out when I was really sad in depressed! Thank you for making this comic and for doing all of this amazing work that you have put in to your characters and storyline!!!
look 🙏 i do see the possible appeal in that i aint gunna lie one bit and as the creator of these characters the idea of being able to seemingly talk to them sounds pretty cool! BUT i simply cant jump on the AI train to Any extent it just wouldn't sit right with me. I feel like it would unnerve me after a while plus the idea of my OCs being 'off' or having out of character dialogue that's out of my control kinda gives me the willies. It seems like one of those things that are simply too good to be true in a practical sense so any possibility of it happening just goes into uncanny valley like do i wish i could take my ocs out of my brain and talk to them HELL yes ( if i dont get killed first) but that should be an impossible thing to do unless im dreaming or hallucinating or some shit. It's like the AI images ie. i Could just type in a bunch of prompts and shit out like 30000 images of my ocs so that i could look at them but where would the yearning be after that??? The loving sculpting of them in my brain while im trying to capture their essence with my hands into a drawing??? One of the main reasons for my ocs to exist is so that its something for my brain to toy around with and wallow in like a cat in catnip, so the idea of being able to just 'lay everything out' so easily just ruins the whole ' i have mysterious little dudes in my head that i mold around everyday to try and figure them out' aspect if that makes any sense??? PLUS im pretty sure the chat ai basically takes paragraphs from writers so for me to be so abhorrently against ai images yet being on board with chat ai when its ~surprise~ stealing from real writers feels like the most hypocritical ass shit i could do sO long old head 'robots evil' rant short: its a no from me dawg
BUT THAT ASIDE im glad to hear u like wheel bitten!! That means so much to hear and may your life continue to improve and thrive!✨🌟
#like yes that could be a tool to broaden my ocs and allow people to 'get to know them' and bond with them better but its justttt#Not Right to me yknow#plus idk man AI can only be so accurate and i know i may eat my words in a few months with how this is all progressing which makes it all#the more disturbing but point being id be too paranoid of one of them being off character or just saying something they would not say#willingly throwing my ocs into something so out of control feels like Too Much so id rather maintain my say so over that#hence why that loser who took Ollie and put him in there just pricked that Special nerve#and i Know if my ocs get bigger this whole problem is going to get bigger but id rather nip it in the butt where i can#like as much as i would love to just let yall go nuts and interact with them when im off somewhere i dont think its going to#stay lighthearted and fun i could see it getting rlly Not So Fun as it progresses#cause dont even get me started on the mentally deranged mfs who could develop an Unhealthy connection to them from that#maybe im being a drama queen abt the whole thing but idc i dont wanna take any chances
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Knowing less about us is probably better for the mythology. You know, like 'What the hell is going on with those guys?' I like that.
- Russell Mael, 2008 (from Talent Is An Asset - The Story of Sparks by Daryl Easlea)
#this quote is making me mortally sorry that I've got a public blog XD#though I think the more people know about them they're either going to say this more - or they're going to be like 'yep. those are my guys.#plus there's the documentary now and we all know that many people thought it wasn't about a real band which proves that point :')#anyway I guess we need to spread a few more lies here and there.#cryptid sparks#russell mael#sparks#quote#(I am enjoying this book quite a bit. If everything in it is true I can't know but I am having a good time)#(had that book for about 11 years now. only just started last week :') I am terrible at reading books.)#talent is an asset - the story of sparks#sparks book#daryl easlea
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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By the way. Buying jeans in stores is impossible if you are shorter than average and they are gonna drag behind you like a veil. Have fun tripping on them (It's me. I am short)
#brought to you by me buying jeans today#they are said to be ankle length#spoiler: NOT ON ME#they go midway to my heel#if i tuck them in slightly they are great#but the point is#i am 158/159 cm#in feet i think that's either 5'2 or 5'3#THERE ARE PLENTY PEOPLE SHORTER THAN ME#if i can't buy jeans because they are long enough to cover my entire foot and a few cm of floor as well#what the fuck are people even shorter than me buying#a year ago i bought these loose summer pants that were said to be in length somewhere under the knee#THEY GO TO MY ANKLES (they are great pants btw. the only pair of loose pants i own because all the other ones in stores are too f long)#i know getting clothes tailored is an option#but i am really not gonna do that with everything i am buying?#especially jeans#since i never know how long they are gonna last#my thighs are thicker and touch each other so they have a tendency to tear in between my legs#sometimes they last years (current record 5 years)#and sometimes they last 3 months#i never know until i wear them more often#and i am not gonna get my clothes tailored every 3 months#i am on the skinny side so idk what the plus-size clothes situation is like but according to all evidence: absolutely horrible#anyway#brought to you by me bcs i dont shop online often and prefer stores so i can try things on first without having to return them after buying#also reminder that i DID buy nice jeans today. its just that i hardly ever find some#ohv and obv tall people also have it bad™ i am sorry for your naked ankles in winter weather#ema rambles#possibly to delete
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got into yet another fight with my mom, again about voting/the election, she said that she’s only voted once in her life and never cares to again because she ‘doesn’t care about politics’, saying that shit almost proudly?? and it set me off for obvious reasons, then she got mad at me for saying it’s because she’s privileged and ‘most’ shit doesn’t affect her directly so she can afford ‘not to care’
#i’m so tired man#yeah because you’re a cis straight white woman#but what about your queer child?#what about other lgbtq+ people? you say you support them/us but apparently not enough if you don’t care to vote#and then she started on about how kamala is just as bad if not worse#bc she’s an easily influenced boomer and listens to other dumbfuck boomers#plus the internalized misogyny#i just can’t yall#i know some have it worse with their parent/family member being full on pro trump but this#is just so fucking frustrating#not to mention my bitch sister who within the past couple years moved to the midwest with her abusive bf & got knocked up twice#is suddenly loudly pro trump#the same woman who a mere handful of years ago was about to marry her trans girlfriend (whom she also dated before they realized they#were trans!!)#the same woman who has dated girls multiple times#and had more than a few abortions#like just because you now have two children and no longer interested in having abortions no women should have them?? fucking hypocrite#she just disgusts me#like did he beat the brain cells out of you or did all the heroin you used to do kill them#i’m sorry im just so fucking angry with her like i didn’t think i could get more pissed/upset with her#after she ‘indirectly’ killed my cats#which i will never ever forgive her for#but this is just extra on top#legit no longer acknowledge her as my sister - i now only have one vs the two i was raised with idfc im better off#i’m just tired#and it’s not even an ‘election time’ thing this is just … never gonna end/change huh#personal#tdl#vent
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OC Crossovers (1/3): Tea Time with Myr and Lidija (@myrmyrtheorca 's OCs!) Kurumi may or may not be telling Lidija about shoujo manga while Myr is just chilling there and relaxing from the nice atmosphere.
#khr#khre#khr oc#oc#einart#ninomiya kurumi#khr killer whale#myr killer whale#lidija killer whale#myrmyrtheorca#ninomiya kanako#me trying to cope from the hell level temp that is a SEA country temp#by imagining it's around the transition of autumn to winter there#and they're having warm tea while discussing various topics in a kotatsu#i say while suddenly remembering how i opened the faucet earlier and the supposed cold running water is already preheated by the weather#ALSO THE 1/3 COUNTER IS FOR REAL THIS TIME I ALR HAVE 2 OTHER SKETCHES WITH OTHER FRIENDS' OCS PROCESSING IN GL4ZE RN#bc the other times i put a counter it didn't end up having a next part sdjfbsdfjhbds#also yeah those tea are csp 3d assets lmaooo if im gonna be fr here i only know how to draw beautiful wome--- i mean people#plus my body pain is flaring like crazy the past few days i keep passing out#so i can't do full colored pieces too much ueueueue#BODY PAIN WON'T STOP ME FROM DRAWING OCS THO#anyway i hope i was able to draw myr and lidija correctly; did my best to do so sdjfshjvf they're so 🥹🥹💖💖#i esp think lidija and kurumi would get along a lot#then myr would often get caught off guard by kurumi's compliments hehe#kana is just sizing them up and observing from afar; she's just very wary like that#wow im glad they do those “see more” thingie for tags so i can go free real estate in here
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Are TERFs just insecure? Like, they see trans women being confident in their womanhood. While trans men and non-binary people accept that their birth gender wasn't for them, and, I don't want to say get jealous, but kind of feel like it's impossible for anyone to like themselves. Then construct all these conspiracy theories because no one could possibly like womanhood, but also no one could possibly escape womanhood.
Which is probably why there's so few TERFs, because most people struggling with their gender understand others aren't.
#terf#plus that's probably why detrans people become terfs they didn't just have one gender identity crisis they had two#gender critical#and I kinda said this before but when I think about terfs I think why am I not a terf#and I think back to high school when a few of my friends came out as trans I understood that they were just more comfortable being trans#so if you hate yourself and have bad theory of mind and think everyone hates themselves you wouldn't come to that same conclusion
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genuinely has somebody made a video essay about the phenomenon of queer women enjoying fictional mlm?
sarah z gets close to this topic on multiple occasions. natalie wynn talked about it in her latest tangent and brought up some good points on identification and desire, but i still feel like it could be examined in a larger way. ppl complain about straight women fetishisizing mlm, which does occasionally happen, but in my experience the vast majority of non-dude slash enjoyers are queer women who on some level identify with one or both of the men in the relationship. over and over when people survey fan-centric sites like AO3 and Tumblr, they find that the vast majority of users are queer women.
#plus many nb people who like fictional mlm because it portrays relationships without (or with less strict) gender roles and expectations#anecdotally i would say the vast majority of non-dude slash enjoyers are bisexual/pansexual women#followed by bisexual/pansexual nonbinary people#and then honestly more than a handful of lesbians!!#and only after that followed by straight women#this might be because i know very very few straight people but still#i really think there's something to be said about people seeing themselves in broadly queer stories#plus not enjoying romantic fantasy with certain kinds of gender expectations#maybe due to inability to identify with women as people - maybe due to a lot of female characters being badly written#maybe because of legitimate discomfort with the bad parts of being a woman (esp in historical or misogynist fantasy settings)
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sometimes being the director of the buddy cole documentary is an emotional rollercoaster for reasons entirely unrelated to actual controversy with the character
basically. this morning paramount took down the comedy central website and made every link redirect to paramount plus (which i do not have). previously you could find clips from every time buddy cole was a correspondent on the colbert report for free on the comedy central website, but not only are those free clips no longer up, paramount plus doesn't even have the colbert report.
so even if this craven attempt to get people to pay ransom subscribe to their streaming service worked, they didn't even take the clips with them!!!
so i was in mourning for a solid few hours this morning bc like if i'd known this was going to happen i would have at least screen-recorded each of the segments even if it meant the audio sync was a little off. but i had no idea this was going to happen and now yet another piece of buddy cole media was lost forever. and i'm used to having gaps in my timeline. stuff like scottland and the lowest show i've only been able to watch bc bellini happened to have a dvd he could digitize. and stuff like the buddy cole funny or die clips, out on the edge, and the ctv royal wedding special i may never see. but when something like this happens in real time after i've already dedicated myself to preserving and documenting the works of buddy cole, it really stings
i know i shouldn't feel like i somehow "failed buddy" for not preserving these episodes. i had no idea comedy central's parent company was going to throw out so much of their content, we're just in a literal hellscape with regards to how corporations value art. but i can't help but feel a little protective of buddy - not protective in terms of controversy, per se, controversy is a natural reaction to everything scott does with buddy cole and i don't always have to agree with everything the character stands for. i've already gotten a taste of being in my own buddy cole controversy, and it was horrible but it also felt like this is what's supposed to happen because we're now able to have this conversation. but being completely forgotten? that doesn't feel natural one bit even though it keeps happening to so much of this character's timeline.
anyway, i pasted the links into the wayback machine and even tho it could load the interface it couldn't load the videos. i found a record of each episode on the internet archive but they're all chopped into 1-2 minute clips, there's an option to "borrow" full episodes and have them mail you a flashdrive but i have no idea how that works and if i'd then be allowed to copy the episodes onto my own computer. i eventually found the colbert report is still available to purchase on itunes for $1.99 per episode - i'd need four specific episodes so that would be more like $8, which isn't too bad, but still stings just on principle. plus, what if that iTunes interface goes down someday? the only colbert report dvds are "best of" and even if i think buddy cole is the best part of anything he's in, the people making the dvds probably don't.
#itunes also only has colbert report episodes from 2012-2014 which is fine for my purposes since this is all 2014#but like that means several seasons of this show are just lost altogether#and ik it's like ''who tf watches episodes of late night shows from more than a few weeks ago anyway''#but like they're still worth preserving as a historical artifact of the way comedy dealt with the news at the time#like john oliver recently bought the rights to his own back catalogue of last week tonight#and has been releasing them onto youtube one season at a time and i've been eating those up bc they're so fascinating#even if they're not ''current''#i also had to check if ''the president show'' suffered the same fate bc that was a comedy central original#and despite its gimmicky premise it's genuinely one of the best trump satires i've ever seen bc it reaches beyond the obvious joke#and actually tries to understand why people would fall for this guy's scams while satirizing the man himself#that one made the jump to paramount plus at least. which i guess is a win even if it means i'll probably be unable to watch it#but god i fucking hate our current media landscape and how easy it is for a show to disappear completely#and i think the worst part of seeing it happen to a buddy cole thing is knowing i'm probably the only one who noticed or cared#i'm the only one going down this buddy cole rabbit hole so to most viewers any buddy media outside kith might as well not exist#and in my doc i'm trying to justify that it's all worth something. from the iconic kith sketches to the comedy central guest spots#to the bizarre low-budget webseries scott filmed with his brother#it's all buddy to me. but in fifty years? maybe none of it will be.
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I already brought this up, but for quicker reference:
Order of Attack: Mahiru nightmare sequence about Kotoko's attacks. Gotta round out the guilty trio.
Feel free to not prioritize this. :D
LISTEN, I CAN'T BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE ANGST THAT YOU REQUEST (<- made myself sad over Mappi and worries I may be in trouble for this one). Obligatory "I don't hate Kotoko and think she's very complex but from these character's pov I had to make her solely scary I'm sorry." And of course I was prioritizing this 👀👀👀 I really loved your nightmare sequences, I tried to make one that completed the set but was still unique!! Thank you for the request >:3
TW for referencing her bf's suicide, and descriptions of the attack injuries
“Aw, come on, you can tell me~” Yuno turned her attention away from where she’d been helping Mahiru with dinner. “Both Fuuta and Amane have had nightmares about her. Hell, I’ve had a nightmare or two about her. I won’t think you’re a mean person for admitting it.”
“I’m not lying,” Mahiru insisted. Her lips rounded into a little pout.
Yuno studied her expression. The girl had a way of really looking at someone when she wanted to. Sometimes it was a wonderful feeling – her gaze could be full of understanding, warmth. You were seen. You were heard. She saw you for all that you were.
But in times like these, Mahiru found herself shifting under the pressure of it. Yuno was truly seeing her. She could see how Mahiru’s smile was frozen in its forced shape these past few weeks. She could see the way she flinched at loud noises, or how all the blood drained from her face when Kotoko’s voice echoed from the room next door. In waking, there was no doubt Mahiru was afraid of her. In sleep, though…
Yuno took her hands in both of hers.
“Then… what do you dream about?”
—
Mahiru was in the woods. She was running, her feet bare, her breath hitching.
At first, she thought she was fleeing something. Danger and death loomed around her. The trees closed in. The canopy plunged her into darkness. The branches reached out to tear at her flowered dress, or snag on her hair. The trees pressed close to suffocate her. She grabbed at her throat.
At some point, it became clear she was running towards something. A figure came into her view, just ahead. Though he didn’t appear to be running, she couldn’t catch up to him. She had to. He was in danger. She had to get to him. She had to stop him.
He entered a clearing up ahead. Mahiru could just barely see into it. She tried to scream out, begging him to stop, but no words came out of her wheezing mouth. She could stop everything, she could stop all of this, if only –
She burst through the clearing. The figure, now a young woman, stood in the center. She faced away.
Mahiru tried again to tell Kotoko to stop, but it didn’t matter whether or not she could speak, now; it was too late.
On the ground below, between tree roots and scattered leaves, lay two small bodies.
Mahiru’s hands flew to cover her mouth. Her legs grew weak with horror. There was blood everywhere, and bones bent at wrong angles. Fuuta’s limbs were twisted and limp. Amane had curled herself to cover her face, blood streaming from between her fingers.
Kotoko, too, had red-stained hands. She surveyed her work with pride.
“What… have you done…?”
Slowly, Kotoko turned. Mahiru wanted to turn around and run before those bloodthirsty eyes could land on her. Her legs stayed frozen in place even as her heart raced in her chest.
Kotoko met her gaze. Then, she gave a gentle smile.
“Thank you.”
Mahiru stumbled back a few steps.
“You let this happen.”
“No…”
“You did. You could have stopped this, but you didn’t. Thank you.”
“I-I didn’t –! This isn’t – ! I thought –”
“You knew this was going to happen.” She spoke a familiar name, and Mahiru shook her head violently. “You knew what he was planning. You had plenty of chances to stop him. You didn't. You knew what I was planning. You know how to calm people down, how to bring groups together. But you didn’t speak to me once about it. You wanted this to happen.”
“I didn’t!” She said it frantically, unsure if she was trying to convince Kotoko, the two beaten prisoners, herself, or someone else. “I didn’t.” The statement was true, but it didn’t change anything that Kotoko had said.
The forest closed in. Kotoko reached a hand out, beckoning to her.
“We make a good team, don’t we?”
“No…”
Mahiru was struck with the thought that she didn’t want to take hold of such a disgusting hand, only to glance down at her own. They were just as slick with blood. She let out a shriek.
It was Amane’s. It was Fuuta’s. It was his.
Mahiru’s legs finally gave out on her. When she looked up, Kotoko was still smiling.
“So… who will be next?”
—
Mahiru slipped away from Yuno’s grasp.
“Oh, don’t you worry about little old me!” She turned back to their work. She brushed her hands off on her apron, giving them an extra swipe for good measure. “I promise, Kotoko isn’t the villain in my dreams.”
#milgram#mahiru shiina#yuno kashiki#kotoko yuzuriha#i kept it in the order i got everything but i was definitely thinking of it nonstop adfsdf#im forever crazy about mahiru's murder-through-inaction theme#since all of the others were pretty direct even if accidental#i firmly believe she knew what her bf was planning and didnt stop him/actively said shed join him because she didnt know how to handle#the situation properly#and if she prides herself so much on being good with people and making friends and bringing people together i wonder if shed feel#responsible for not deescalating kotoko beforehand#plus the more immediate survivors guilt that if she was just in the other room maybe it would have been her and not fuuta/amane#at first i wanted to work in more mv symbols (birds cake carousel horses) because i love wacky and surreal dream sequences#but it got to be distracting when i was planning it out lmao so i decided to stick with the two major trauma moments#vibing on my trip rn but i had just a few lines of this one to finish so i wanted to post it when i had a few minutes...#though now i need to go and pretend im not crying over mappi 😭😭😭😭😭#drabbles#order of attack#(to go back and make it an official tag later)
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it is Extremely funny that the whole watcher thing just ended after one weekend of people being like hey this was poorly thought out and a terrible idea. lmao. cringe fail financial decision.
#i think where they ended up makes plenty of sense! it's just an alternative to patreon tho#like i like their content i'll probably still watch ghost files and mystery files and if they bring back their scary stories one#the one with the cool art not the one where they get drunk I don't like that one as much#but i don't care enough to pay 6 bucks a month#they would have just lost me as a viewer entirely lol#also tbf i have adblock and sponsor block on my youtube so I don't see ads or even sponsored sections of videos#so i'm still not really helping them earn money lol#i just feel like they were aiming for something like dropout which works bc a) the number of projects dropout makes#b) the huge cast across all of their shows#and c) a much more established brand even at the time of their shift to streaming#also the fact that dropout puts out multiple episodes of different shows a week lol#and they needed to go more like mythical society from rhett and link#which is pretty much just patreon with enough extra perks that people are extra inclined to buy into it#like with mythical society people who pay more get physical perks like exclusive merch and free items every few months#plus a ton of extra content like bts stuff and extra episodes of certain things#that's what they should do. imo.#anyway. ive been giggling at this all weekend
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i'm so glad i imprinted on the beatles at a young age and went through The Problematic Old Band Gauntlet that way, just like "here is an undeniably influential group, i've known the words to their songs longer than some adults have been alive, please be aware of their sins and keep in mind that half of them are dead now anyway lmao"
#one of a few reasons why i think it's important to acknowledge people who make good art can do harm#and that culturally relevant does not mean morally good#anyway now when i get into an old band and i come up against something problematic in their writing i'm like.... unsurprising#and generally figuring out the intent and context without excusing it is a part of the experience#plus the added bonus of seeing which old band guys became chill old people and which ones lost the plot and became reactionary#which is much more my indicator of whether to keep digging into a band than what they USED to be like. what are they saying RIGHT NOW
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