#pls tell me this is satire

[neptunescore]

I can't tell if this is satire or not bc... op can NOT be srs rn

and he said he's a vegan, what a hypocrite... also his dog WAS vegan eh ? (r.i.p.) ...he probably said it to look trendy... media darling, blinding fankids

were you born when he decided his dog was a vegan and died

same happens with kids

[bubblesxo]

18 now y'all

drop your recs for adult szn in the notes🗣️🗣️‼️‼️

[kittylordartfinity]

Beach episode but one of the characters is a holy being who can walk on water

[mcsm-r0ckz]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SHIP WTF IM CRYING

mcsm tumblr pls hear me out on this ship

[slut4daviii]

character: y.itadori | r.sukuna

pt: 02/02

cw: threesome, cum-eating, praise (itadori), degradation (sukuna), orgasm denial, brat/brat taming, size difference, face-fucking, mind-games, dumbification, masturbation, belly bulge, marathon sex, body worshipping, incest (indirectly), sexuality denial, fingering, eating-out, overstimulation, heat-play, breath-play, choking, objectification (sukuna), breeding, exhibition, voyeurism, marking, sadist (reader), masochist (sukuna), power-play, edge-play, humiliation, spanking, hair-pulling, biting, intense foreplay

summary: “being gay is like being funny, one day your joking, the next, you are the joke” -Marilyn Monroe 2026 also, please do not have sex with someone who is having sex with your siblings

a/n: the quote above is satire, please do not take it seriously. also, minors | fem-aligning DO NOT INTERACT omfg this was good until it wasnt. extreme shit. MINORS WILL BE BLOCKED

title: two down, nothing to prove

wc: 2000+

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“nmgh! fgmh! [name]! fuchk— fucking stop it!” Sukuna berated you, his voice dipped in honey— the words lining your spine with a tingling that only seemed to grow in magnitude as he continued to whimper against you. “hngh! [n—name] too much! gonna— g��cum!”

you reeled yourself backwards, basking in the sight of the boy laying in front of you. his disheveled appearance only entwining the growing heat in your stomach.

his body— tasting like a mixture of milk and honeycomb only pulled you back in, marking each inch of skin with either dark hickeye’s or snoppy bite marks and kissed.

he writhed against the feeling, wanting to tell you off but, he couldn’t. you were doing too good. your tongue was working miracles on him yet you hadn’t touch his cock yet.

“pl—please [name]! touch me! please touch—mnph!” his lips were soft, slightly bruised due to your abundance of kisses beforehand. the two of you had been making out for at least an hour; you were edging him, kissing him until his lungs burned with carbon dioxide then grinding against his ever-growing boner. he couldn’t take it.

breaking the kiss, he turned his head to the side and gulped, “hah— haah! [name], I need to ugnh!” you began to kiss his neck again, licking from behind his jawline to his adam’s apple before baring your teeth to a bite of the metaphorical ‘forbidden’ fruit, eliciting a sharp groan from him.

his hips bucked wildly against yours. trying to get you to let him cum. but, you stopped him with your thighs, pinning his to the bed will using your dominant hand to hold both of his wrist down. you looking at him with a predatory glance, making him shrivel into himself. “what’s wrong? don’t ya wanna cum?” he nodded frantically, trying to move but being unable to.

“mnh! [name]! do some’ing! I can’t hold it any longer!” he cried, his voice cracking with pleasure. you gripped the waistband to his pre-cum soaked briefs, ripping them off with a second thought. out-sprang his reddened cock, throbbing and twitching, the veins bulging slightly.

you reached over to his dresser, opening the top drawer to reveal a golden ring, roughly the size of his cock. you smirked and brought it over to him. “you wanna have some fun?” you sadistically smiled down at him. he shook his head, clearly showing that the two of you had totally opposite definitions of ‘fun’

“aww, c’mon S’kuna, I want to see how long it takes until you break.” sliding the ring onto his cock was slightly harder than you thought, only due to his constant wrestling against the cold metal. you pushed the ring a good distance down his cock before bring that same hand to his neck, pressing on the sides. “stay still, or I’ll leave you just like this, all hot and dry.” you tighten your hand, making his body convulse softly and eyes roll backwards. “understand?”

through his own dry orgasm, he nodded. this left you with a smile. “see, you can handle it for a lot longer.” you removed yourself from his bed and ducked under the bed, pulling out a box of assorted toys. “holy shit, you really are a slut.” you mumbled, more to yourself than him. not that he could even focus on you.

you pulled out four different things: another cock-ring, a dildo, circular vibrators, and an electroshock padding. “oh, we’re gonna have a lot of fun S’kuna.”

his cock twitched at the sight of the toys, and as much as he shook his head, you and him both knew he wanted it. you placed one knee on his bed, your face showing unbridled glee. “I wonder….” your hands moved to the lube on his dresser, flicking the cap and squeezing a generous amount on your digits “…how Yuuji would react, knowing that his brother was such a low-down cock-whore.”

“m—m’no— m’not a—a whore!” his words were sloppy, inconsistent and utterly euphoric. they made your cock throb within your own clothing, but you were saving that for someone else. slowly, you pushed your index finger into Sukuna, thrusting softly before curling it to rub along his velvety sweet walls.

Sukuna incoherently moaned, begging and occasionally screaming to [name]: “I w’cum. cuhm— fugking whanna— wantta cuhm!” the sound just pushed you closer and closer to your edge.

“what was that? you wanna cum?” you asked, bring your other hand to Sukuna’s cock while simultaneously inserting another finger into the silky surface of his body. you must’ve been multitasking to the highest degree, jerking him off and scissoring his slick insides.

“nghk! FUHK! cum! cum! cum’n! cum’n! gon—g’cum!!” Sukuna threw his head back, but, in a slightly anticlimactic fashion, nothing happened. nothing at all. only a few twitches followed by an obscure amount of crystal clear pre-cum withdrawing from his tip.

“I thought you were gonna cum, S’kuna? where’s the good stuff?” you continued to softly twist your hand in a semi-circular way, moving up and down his shaft at an even pace— also thrusting three fingers into him. “I bet Yuuji would’ve came. he’s a good boy, much better than you.” your nonchalant insults went straight to Sukuna’s cock, making him throb while letting out a string of quick butterfly screams.

“yeah, I should get Yuuji, he’d be much better. at last he’s not a dirty slut. he has dignity and respect for himself.” your voice and thrust began to match each other, more harsh straightforward strokes that echoed off the walls of Sukuna’s room in an almost erotic, indelicate manner.

“hm? should I bring Yuuji hear? fuck him until he passes out? and leave you with nothing?” you asked, despite knowing his answer.

“n—unt uh— plu— pluhse! not Yuuji! ��lease no ‘uji” Sukuna slurred.

you took your hand away from his cock, also pulling your fingers from the warmth of his insides. this time replacing them with the two circular vibrators. they were a decent size, and remote controlled. you stuck one inside of him, followed by the other and turned them on.

the reaction was immediate. Sukuna writhed against his sheets, his eyes lidded with euphoric excitement. you took the dildo from beside him and pushed the tip inside of him, slowly increasing the number of inches inside of him.

you bit your lip, turned to get the electo padding but catching something out of the side of your eyes: Yuuji Itadori, panting and masturbating against the hallway wall. now this, this made you smirk a devilishly delight.

you took the electro padding and began to stick it to Sukuna, one on the inside of his right thigh, repeated on the left side. you also attached on to his lower abdomen, neck and both forearms.

with the remote in your hands, you took a step back and cocked a hand on your own sweatpants, palming yourself out of pure eloquence.

“Yuuji” you called, looking over at the door a few seconds later. “do you wanna do the honors?” through tired eyes, Sukuna sat up, glancing around the darkened room. “uji? h—here? wher’? n—no get ou—out!”

you grinned at this, beckoning Yuuji to come closer, to which he did, rather quickly actually. he stood in front of you, his eyes innocently wide. you couldn’t wait to ruin him— take every bit of innocence away from his body.

you gave him the remote, moving your hands to his waist. you applied pressure, squeezing your cock between you and his ass. it was the best thing to graze the earth. “oh, Yuuji.” you moaned, grinding against him. “do you wanna be my good boy?”

Yuuji turned to look at you, the expression in his eyes mimicking a more tame look of lust. silently, he began nodding.

you nestled your head into the crook between his shoulders and neck and breathed, inhaling the sweet scent radiating off of him. “use your words baby.”

your hands fell to his cum-soaked boxers, ghosting his bulge. but, an insatiable desire for him to say yes overtook you— and you slipped the tips of your fingers into the sides of his briefs. “c’mon Yuuji, I need to fuck you.” you ground against him harder, the harsh movement making him yelp. “can I?”

a beat of silence.

a second.

a full five seconds of Yuuji’s heartbeat.

“Y—yes, please.”

That was all you needed to push him to his knees, taking the remote from him— and turning it to the first setting.

a faint buzzing filled the room and Sukuna arched his back, his hands coming up to grip at anything around him. “[name]! c—cuhm!! m’ex—ploded—explozing!”

you smirked, turning the voltage to a higher setting for a collective five seconds before turning it all the way off. then, a thought crossed your mind.

you raked your hands through Yuuji’s hair, pulling him from the ground and throwing him beside Sukuna. you pulled your shirt over your head, slipping out of your sweatpants and crawled to them, making Yuuji blush a deep crimson. “no need getting shy now, we’re already this far.”

Yuuji looked at his brother, his expression morphing into a desire-filled one. second idea.

you shifted Yuuji so that he was kneeling in front of Sukuna’s cock, the red color now reaching down to the base. “you ever wanted to make Sukuna go crazy? well, this is how.”

[name], with more lube, inserted a finger into Yuuji, muting his moans by shoving his head onto Sukuna’s cock. he wanted Yuuji to be prepared but he needed it to be quick, he was bordering desperate.

while scissoring Yuuji, with one hand, he removed the electro-padding from Sukuna and transferred it to Yuuji’s spine. the six pads lining him like a tattoo.

desperateness began to claw at you, the need become too high. you pulled Yuuji off Sukuna and took off the cock-ring, quickly forcing him back on the length.

Yuuji gagged and choked, the warm semen of his brother flooding every inch of his mouth like a bat out of hell.

you pulled your sweatpants off and quickly thrusted into Yuuji, withdrawing a high-pitched moan from him. you pulled Sukuna under the two of you, making him watch as you fuck his brother— a front row seat.

you pulled yourself from him, the tip solely remaining before you snapped your hips forward, the sound of your hips colliding with Yuuji resulting in a sudden shock of clapping.

Yuuji writhed, the feeling of you driving into his organs with no mercy was beyond anything he had ever felt, a mix of pain and pleasure that he would grow to love.

Sukuna, bordering unconsciousness, moved himself to take Yuuji’s tip into his mouth, and each one of your thrust pushed the younger’s cock deeper, making both twins moan out pleasantly.

you grunted deeply, feeling your orgasm approaching much quicker than you had anticipated. you grabbed the remote and turned the voltage to its max, tasing Yuuji in a sudden burst. his body buckled and fell into Sukuna, forced the boy to deep throat him.

you pulled Yuuji’s hair, making him arch his back at such an angle both you and Sukuna had him taken to the base. you laughed at the scene, making both brothers moan, awaiting your praise. “Yuuji, your such a good boy, taking me so well.” you looked at Sukuna and began laughing again, the sound burning bullets of shame into Sukuna’s skin.

“heh! you’re so hungry for dick that you’re sucking you own brother?” Sukuna shriveled but kept going, wanting to please both you and Yuuji. “wow, you are just a cumdump.”

Yuuji finally came, his body convulsing with the arcs of lighting traveling through his body. he moaned, the triple stimulation never ending. “good job Yuuji, now let me fuck you a little longer and I’ll let you have my kids.” you praised to the fucked-out boy.

Sukuna, hearing this, removed Yuuji from his mouth, whining to you, “b—but, I wa—want daddy’s kids!” you had to admit, hearing him so desperately moaning about having your cum was extremely hot.

it made it easier for the knot in your stomach to come undone, and you quickly pulled out of Yuuji, flipping him over and jerking your cock over the two boy.

they opened their mouths to take you, but you wanted more. “gnh! get on your knees.” the boy quickly responded to the demand, going on wobbly knees and hands with their tongues out.

you grabbed both their head, sliding your cock between the two at a rapid pace, “hnk! here, fuck! here it comes!” the two began panting, drool covering your balls and trailing down their chin.

you came almost immediately, the sticky ropes of cum shooting into their mouths and chins. some even landing on their faces. you smiled at this, falling back in a chair.

the two began making out, their tongue covered in your kids, passing it between each other before swallowing it. Yuuji crawled off the bed, connecting his lips with your tip, milking you for any extra cum. Sukuna tried to join but, with all that happened, he was bed-ridden.

you looked down at Yuuji, his cat licks slightly overstimulating you, “mh, who’s a good boy?”

“me! me! m’daddy’s good boy!”

“good job, Yuuji.”

you looked at sukuna and smirked, “and who’s my little slut?”

Sukuna, winded, made a motion to himself, mumbling “me.”

you smirked and sank into the seat.

“we should do this every weekend.

Jesus fucking christ, what did i just write.

also the ending felt rushed, but it is 4:23 inna morning, I am publishing this, masturbating then going to bed.

see yall tomorrow

[zvaigzdelasas]

you are on so many layers of satire that I can't tell if you might actually be pro-biden. the "most progressive president got couped" post really got me twisted around. kamala is too young? pls help me out for a sec

Everything I've ever posted is my genuine opinion even if they contradict with each other. I contain multitudes

[mothiir]

sorry to be that rehash that droid de suggondeez plotline (I REFUSE TO CORRECTLY SPELL FRENCH) with big e stealing a wife but could we pretttty ppLEAAAASE get some more mothiir? i am obsessed with the eldritch inhuman but human behaviour you write him with. it makes me want to chew on him while simultaneously wanting to beat him with a brick out of hatred. i have so many ideas. but ill take anything you offer up fr ill live off the scraps like a feral dog, its just that the the whole david and goliath vibe is TASTYYYY. please dignify my complete insanity for just an intsy winsy second because all i can imagine is how utterly FUCKED the stolenwife!reader's pov is. you try fight back a little too much? oh haha, ur so cute, but keep biting or scratching him and he'll sicc one of the custodes (or a few) to really try you out. let you be so overstimulated youre begging for something in you, and oh boy big e'll sooo do that dont worry. or maybe humble you by keeping you basically half bare like yeah not so cocky now LMFAO IM SO SORRY I NEVER GIVE PROMPTS SO BRAZENLY LIKE THIS BC IM A COWARD FULL OF SHAMEEE UR SO MUCH BRAVER THAN MEEE (thank you sm if you do or dont run with anything i spat out just then)

first of all, never apologise for requesting stuff and also i totally respect your disrespect of the French language. as an englishwoman i am contractually obligated to hate those frog-eating bastards (disclaimer: this is satire pls don’t cancel me). secondly i absolutely love your description of my interpretation of big e because it is also exactly how i feel about him. beat him with brick, pat hair, back to brick. I know i have moved away from that content but I still wave my emperor fucker flag and am always taking requests for him

i promise there will be actual coherent fic soon, but for now here is a bullet pointed list of the sort of things that guilliwife experiences (if there is one in particular you want a full fix of let me know):

the Emperor steals you, and does not think to tell Guilliman — why would he? He fucks you, enjoys it tremendously, then has to go and do some important Master of Mankind warp fuckery that means you spend about a fortnight in some random rooms with no one to talk to but the Custodes. And they barely talk! You never work out if they are bodyguards or prison guards, since you can’t imagine that you are important enough to warrant guarding, but you also don’t think that there is much effort needed to stop you escaping. Where would you even go?

It would be so much easier if he was always a selfish monster in bed — but he isn’t. Worse: he eats pussy exactly how you think a man with millennia of practice would. He likes bringing you to the very edge of orgasm and just stopping, pillowing his cheek on your stomach and watching as you whine and cry, partly with guilt and partly with sheer frustration. You end up begging him to fuck you, stumbling out every title you can think of — lord, emperor, sire, master — but his patience is limitless, and he can keep going for hours, until you’re completely insensible, promising every depraved thing if he will just stop teasing and put it in you

You belong to him. No one else is allowed to touch you — apart from valdor, one of his oldest friends and dearest allies. And captain Kytan. And a few other custodes. Sometimes at the same time. They’re extensions of his most absolutely not divine will — they can partake in the same luxuries he allows himself, otherwise what kind of a leader would he be? He likes seeing his best soldiers happy, especially when it’s because valdor is balls deep in your arse, while he enjoys the sweet warm stretch of your throat. You jostle and whimper between them, so full that you can barely breathe, and afterwards the emperor watches as valdor thumbs open your cheeks, just to watch your holes struggle to close up around the shape of his cock. Still, valdor can’t linger too long - there is already a line

He will cum inside you so much you swear your stomach bulges a little from it all. You have nightmares about popping like a balloon

eventually word reaches the Emperor that Guilliman is looking to speak to him as a matter of urgency — he is currently buried deep in your throat, enjoying the cute little gluck-gluck-gluck noises your gag reflex makes as you try to fit him all the way into your tight gullet. He does not ask you to stop this before answering the vox from a distraught Roboute, who is blathering about his fiancée going missing? The Emperor chuckles a little to himself, patting your hair — ah, having a woman to be wed and a woman in his bed, Roboute is far more like his father than first thought — wait. Ah. Singular woman. Singular. Shit.

[whoareyoutryingtoreach]

Grave sin yall! Mortal sin! Not funny AT all!! I get if you have your kinks (I do too..) and I’m not an amazing Christian myself. but come, ON! please, please respect religions. It’s Literally the bare minimum.

one cool thing about catholicism is they don't actually check if youre catholic when u go to mass you can just get on your knees and have a priest put christs body in your mouth with NO verification to make sure youre not just some kind of pervert.

[stxrrynxghts]

Okay so, recently there was a huge kaand. As y'all know, I usually post incorrect quotes or my rewatching series of Star Plus Mahabharata. Now someone took my posts and blew them out of proportion. I have blocked them, yes, not because I'm afraid, but because I don't want any stress. I get easily affected by this stuff, and I don't wish to fall into depression again.

I'm writing this post to clarify MY opinions, if y'all are willing to listen. Currently, all the quotes and rewatches are deleted. I will post them either publically or privately again, but it depends if you all wish to see them.

I use basic meme templates from the incorrect quote generators, and put the names of the MB characters which I think suite the template. So there was this specific incorrect quote:

Draupadi: I love you guys, you are the best thing that happened to me. The Pandavas: we are the best thing that happened to you? Draupadi: yeah. The pandavas: we are starting to feel a little sorry for you.

Now, this is a very popular incorrect quote. I don't see how this is derogatory towards the Pandavas, or Draupadi for that matter. It's just a joke. And I'm allowed to make jokes. You, however, are not allowed to post screenshots of my posts on social media without my permission/giving credit.

Tell me honestly, did this feel insulting to any of you? If it did, then I will accept my mistake. I did not make it from the intention of hurting anyone. I just thought it would suit them.

Now change the characters. If I had written this for Krishna and Balarama, would it feel insulting? No. IT IS JUST AN INCORRECT QUOTE!

And then this person says that I used "derogatory" language for my favs. WAIT WHAT? Does this person even know who my favs are? Pls tell me where have I used derogatory language for Abhimanyu or Uttaraa. Yes, I have made incorrect quotes. But these quote templates are used by 100s of ppl online, it's not just ME who is making these quotes, srsly. And no one has ever said that "hey I find them insulting".

Then, my rewatch series. First, it is solely, SOLELY based on what SP MB portrays the characters to be like. If I put any references from the OG MB, I MENTION IT explicitly. My rewatch series was inspired from @demonkidpliz's rewatching MB series (yes, I did take permission before starting it.)

Now, Dhrishtadyumna was trying to kill Drona, right after his birth. So I said it was "out of his aukaat". Why? Because he is very weird. He insults Draupadi in a very sexist way, and is downright irritating till this point. So I used this language for him. It is a satire on the show, God.

OG Dhrishtadyumna was a very nice warrior, but are his warrior skills shown in the show ? Are they? No. And if you consider this to be an accurate representation of him, then...you are special.

Then, this person posts stuff about me calling Arjun depressed. THIS was the biggest issue. I saw some of my friends commenting under it, without even clarifying it with me, first, so it did hurt initially.

The show does not show Arjun to be the great warrior he is. Arjun in the OG MB does not hesitate to fight UNTIL the Kurukshetra war, and he has proved his mettle as the best warrior of his time multiple times in the text. In the show...well, all of his gr8 warrior sequences are just removed. Almost all of them.

In the Varnavrat thing, the Pandavas (and Arjun) are eager to kill the Kauravas, which is very uncharacteristic for SP MB Arjun. So I said that "oh, he wants to fight? He won't want to fight after the depression hits in."

IT IS FOR SP MB ARJUN.

NOT FOR THE REAL ARJUN, GOD.

Yes, I know that he was a gr8 warrior. Yes, I know that he did tapasya and pleased all the Gods. Because he was GREAT. And I know that. The title of the post was "Re-watching Mahabharata", and the tags were "starplus mahabharat", "starbharat recap" and "starbharat". Srsly? You will say that I am calling the OG Arjun depressed?! Really?! It's a satire on the show!

Asking me to show even a single verse in the text where he is mentioned to be depressed is kinda weird since I DID NOT CALL HIM TO BE DEPRESSED! And I know how serious depression and suicide is. I suffered from it once. I don't need anyone teaching me about how serious it can be, or how it can affect your life. I am NOT trying to pick fights with anyone, okay? I am not. I am not interested in weird kalesh at all.

I want y'all to tell me if I have done anything wrong, or if any of you ever had similar feelings seeing my incorrect quotes or rewatch series. Since they are currently deleted, I will start posting them again if y'all are interested in seeing them.

[satuguro]

*ೃ࿐ BLUE MONDAY

[ ACT II: UNWILLINGLY BOUND ]

ethan landry x reader

#SYNOPSIS— you fake moan to avoid suspicion, richie wants to be chivalrous, and you and ethan make a plan in a coffe shop

#CONTAINS— murder!, gore!!!!, satire (!!), familial issues, mentions of anxiety/ptsd, richie x reader (one sided), stalker behavior (later on), fake dating, richie (yes, he needs his own warning), suggestive content (will be in this part but it's not serious at all lmao)

#AUTHORSNOTE— tumblr pls be kind and let this show up in the tags! thanks

ACT I, ACT II, ACT III

your ring flashed as it flew over your knuckles. back and forth, increasing in speed with every passing minute.

his feet stepped over the hardwood floor of his room, socks shuffling across the wood.

back and forth. back and forth. just like your ring.

"we have to call the police," you told ethan.

back and forth. back and forth.

"we can't."

"are you fucking kidding me?" you hissed, narrowing your eyes at him as you gripped his comforters. but as he looked at you, you saw just how serious he was, just how frantic ethan was, almost restless as he stared at you. and yet, he was still pacing.

back and forth. back and forth.

"this happened before." ethan couldn't shake the feeling off of him, the evidence from the past all making sense, all connecting with bright red lines in his brain as he finally, finally put it all together.

their car moved slowly as they passed by the house just down the street from theirs, the once peaceful and dainty home now tainted by bright yellow crime scene tapes and flashing red and blue lights. the lawn, once taken care of so neatly, was trampled as policemen and their dogs walked all across the lawn; pushing away reporters, setting up a boundary between the hungry public and the grief stricken family.

"what happened?" ethan asked his sister, who could only stare as she drove slowly by their neighbor's house. "isn't that evelyn's house?"

quinn nodded wordlessly, watching numbly as she watched evelyn's mother sob hysterically as a detective spoke to her, her hands gripping her sides hard as she collapsed to her knees.

"this girl disappeared in our neighborhood. she was in quinn's grade," ethan breathed, eyes set on the floor as he walked. back and forth. back and forth. consistent enough to burn a line in the dark wood floor. "all they found was her body. no weapons, nothing."

three detectives stood in their doorway, and ethan could only stare blankly as he watched his father try and reason with his coworkers, talking to them as if his position as one of the detectives just mattered so much in this moment.

"you weren't on this case for a reason, wayne," the primary detective hissed, anger already evident on her face as her patience wore thin. "we have to question him. based off of our witnesses, he was the last one who saw her."

"her fingers," ethan seethed, jaw clenching hard as he dug his thumb's nail into his skin, "her fingers were sliced. the news used the word 'flayed off'. pointless, because they ended up finding her, but," he exhaled shakily, his pacing slowing ever so slightly, "what we saw in richie's room was exactly what happened 2 years ago. all the way down to the flayed fingernails."

"i don't see how this stops us from telling the police," you said, leaning forward and putting your elbows on your knees. eyes flashing quickly to the door and ears quickly listening for any other sign of life within the apartment except for you, ethan, and a passed out quinn, you made sure richie hadn't entered before looking back at ethan.

fingernails picked at his own skin repeatedly as ethan watched his father reluctantly stand aside, his mother's hand coming up to squeeze his shoulder gently. the policemen made themselves comfortable; some sat in the living room, others nodded at ethan and quinn in acknowledgement, and the primary detective stared at the family photos on the walls.

"you two his siblings?" the detective asked, already knowing their answer. the both of them nodded, making her hum as she peered at them in interest. "did any of you know evelyn campo?"

"well, she lived in that pretty house down the steret. and she was in my grade," quinn managed, her nervousness hidden well as she answered truthfully. "is she, uh," she began, swallowing thickly as she brushed some red hair away from her face hastily. "dead?"

your words made him stop pacing to look at you, worry ghosting over his face as he looked you up and down. the fact that he was still only a bit high from earlier didn't help ethan's pounding heart.

but seeing decapitated hands in a ziplock in his brothers room sobered him up considerably.

he was staring at you as though he had made a connection, and you only stared blankly back at him. ethan's hazel eyes had turned muddy from his turmoil, but regardless, you could see that he had a realization; one he wasn't telling you.

"hello? i asked how any of this information is stopping us from just telling the police?" you said, impatience laced in your tone. "he did the murder back then and he did the one now."

the door slammed shut behind the detectives as they left. evening had already fallen over the sky; they had been questioning him for nearly an hour now. and they were planning on bringing him into the station for more.

ethan and quinn made their way downstairs the second the police left, quinn making a beeline to their parents to try and get some type of information out of them, something that would just explain what was going on. but ethan didn't follow her. instead, he focused his attention too his older brother, who was relaxed as he sat at the dining table, sipping a glass as though he hadn't been questioned by the police.

"did you do it?" ethan found himself asking, his voice as accusatory as it was quiet.

"ethan," wayne scolded him, tone warning him to just back off, but ethan prevailed.

"did you, richie? did you kill her?"

richie turned to ethan with his usual charismatic smile, his head tilting slightly as he looked him up and down as though ethan was so beneath him that he couldn't believe he was speaking to him. "do you think i did?"

"it's because richie was questioned by the police for that murder," ethan hissed, eyes frantic as he walked closer to you. he needed you to understand just how dire of a situation you were both in. he needed you to understand just how dangerously intelligent his brother was, and how his charisma could easily make it seem as though the universe was constantly on his side.

ethan searched your face for any sign of worry, any sign of panic, only to find nothing of the sort. you'd think that after seeing everything you had both seen, you'd be more freaked out. but truthfully, you were compartmentalizing your feelings and disassociating to the point where you could only stare back at ethan's panicked face.

"y/n, richie was their number one suspect and they let him go. he got away."

the entrance door to the apartment slammed shut, which was quickly followed by richie's call of, "i'm home!" your eyes widened just as ethan's breath hitched, fear and panic running through his body as his heart beat loudly in his ears.

to have richie find out that you both had been in his room would be like having a serial killer dead set on killing the both of you. you made quick word of cleaning up after yourself after finding the hands; you hid your socks inside your small bag and wiped off the blood smears on the floor before leaving the hands and his bedroom door exactly how you found them. if you were lucky, then richie would assume his collection of body parts had fallen without anyone noticing.

but if he saw the both of you very much awake and a lot more sober than you once were, then he would suspect something.

maybe it was a good thing you were a quick thinker.

you grabbed ethan by the collar of his shirt, face close to his before you pushed him down onto his bed. "mm, fuck," you faux moaned, eyes wide and silently begging for ethan to follow your lead as you began to bounce on his bed, making it creak steadily.

richie's footsteps walked closer to the door, the floorboards creaking with every step.

"what the fuck are you doing?!" ethan whispered to you harshly as he tried to sit up, only for you to shove his shoulders back down onto the bed.

"more," you feigned a whine, making ethan's face burn red as he only stared at you, mouth slightly open as you moaned, "shit— need you t'fuck me, ethan."

you'd think that he'd get a hint by now. you fought the urge to groan as you motioned for him to add onto your moans, your hand coming down to pat his bed to signal for him to add onto your creaking.

cheeks still burning with the embarrassment of it all, ethan managed to feign a low groan that was loud enough for richie to hear from the doorway. "that's it," ethan managed out with a faux moan, making you send him a reassuring thumbs up (which paired great with the slight panic on your face). "ride me harder," he added, eyes turning to the door.

ethan could see him.

richie's feet were stopped right outside his bedroom, casting shadows on the thin slit of light at the bottom of his closed bedroom door. and he was shamelessly listening, unmoving, which made ethan send you a frantic look.

you forced out a loud moan, still steadily making the bed creak with ethan as you stared at the shadow richie's feet cast. managing whimpers while ethan forced out a fake groan of pleasure, your eyes narrowed as you noticed that richie wasn't planning on moving. richie wanted to hear you.

a sick feeling broiled in your stomach at the thought, and you turned to ethan, whose bottom lip was between his teeth as he managed a loud whimper. he seemed completely panicked, the fact that his brother was refusing to move from the door making him almost fear for his life as he stared at you.

"gonna cum— i wanna cum," you moaned out, making your voice an octave higher as you made yourself sound as though you were chasing your orgasm. you couldn't even look at ethan for more than a couple seconds, the awkwardness of it all making your cheeks heat up.

never in your life did you think you would be faking a sex scene with a boy you just met.

"that's right, baby. cum all over my cock." ethan felt the horrible urge to laugh out loud in the middle of everything, the desperation for richie to just fuck off evident in his voice (though, it made it sound like ethan was desperate for you instead). "oh, fuck," he moaned, just as you let out a fake whine of need.

this was a horrible situation. you had seen ethan's brother's bag of body parts in his room and now you were pretending to have sex with ethan while his brother was outside the door.

it was a horrible and dangerous situation. and yet, you found your lips tilting upwards as you looked at ethan's red face for only a few seconds.

and then he started smiling just like you did. the horror and terror of it all still very much prevalent in his brain, but all of that only contributed to the humor of it all.

"cumming— 'm cumming—" you cried out, voice high pitched as you reached your fake orgasm, following your babbles of pleasure with more fake moans. and just like you, ethan groaned as he pretended to reach his climax too.

the worst part? you were both looking directly at each other as you reached your shared fake orgasms, wild smiles on your face as you both fought the urge to laugh.

you had to cover your mouth as the creaking came to a slow halt, the urge to burst out in laughter far too strong as you fell down on the bed next to ethan, burying your face into his pillow. ethan followed you, biting back stifled laughs as he only prayed his brother didn't hear your shared laughter.

you both moved under ethan's comforter, backs to the door as you laid next to each other. and ever so slowly, richie's footsteps walked past the bedroom door.

"holy shit," you breathed, turning to ethan, whose smile was so contagious that you found yourself smiling back. "that was horrible."

ethan nodded quickly. "oh, yeah— by far the worst experience of my life."

"it sounded like i fucked you pretty good, though."

"the fact that it was fake was the part that was the worst part," ethan said with a nod, face reddening further at the realization of what he just said. "oh shit— i mean—"

"it's okay. i, uh," you cleared your throat quietly, "i agree." you stated, staring into his eyes and managing a small smile. a beat of silence passed. "does that mean i'm staying for breakfast?"

"you probably should," ethan murmured, "just to keep the act going." he watched you pull out your phone to text mindy of your whereabouts.

you: sleeping over at ethan's. made it home safe, be back tomorrow.

min: WHAT DO YOU MEAN SLEPT OVER AT ETHANS??? min: LIKE SLEPT WITH ETHAN OR SLEPT AT HIS APARTMENT OR IN HIS ROOM AFTER SLEEPING WITH HIM? min: HELLO??

you quickly silenced your phone.

"can i borrow your clothes? and uh, your bathroom," you murmured softly, standing up with your dried faux blood all over you and your pink dress. your crown was lopsided on your head as you stood up, making ethan's eyes widen as he nodded, sitting up on his bed.

"right," he said, making careful steps to his dresser and pulling out a spider-man shirt and some red plaid shorts (color coordinated, because he wasn't a monster). ethan turned to look at you, a hint of a smile on his face as he carefully gave you his clothes. "may i?" he asked softly, motioning to the crown on your head.

swallowing thickly, you nodded. "be my guest."

ever so carefully, ethan detangled the bloodied faux crown from your head before carefully placing it aside. breath gently fanning over your face, ethan went to remove all the bobby pins in your hair that had once served a purpose, removing them from your tresses.

all the while, your eyes were set on him, face still covered in faux blood, but eyes looking past heavy lashes to see just how focused ethan was in not hurting you. his tongue poked at the side of his cheek, his brows were slightly furrowed, and his hands were so light that it barely felt like they were atop your head in the first place. and when he was finally done, the tension rising so much that even he noticed, ethan sent you a sheepish smile before pulling away quickly.

"all done."

you blinked, face as unreadable as ever. "thanks," you said blankly, hands holding the clothes he offered you before turning around and heading to his bathroom.

a sudden wave of protectiveness fell over ethan as he watched you walk into the bathroom, a breath leaving his lips as turned away right as you shut and locked the door behind you. heart thumping in his ears, he let out a shaky breath as he listened to the water start running.

reaching into his dresser, ethan got dressed himself. he had discarded his costume a while ago in exchange for his regular long sleeve and jeans, but he wanted something comfier. he dressed himself in an old white shirt and some blue polar bear pajama pants (his favorite, but no one had to know that) before situating himself into his bed.

he was exhausted. ethan didn't realize that until he finally pulled the blanket over half of his body.

hand reaching for his phone, he looked over his notifications briefly, barely reading them until he noticed a text from his brother.

richie: are you done with her yet?

the text made ethan sick, and he found himself putting his phone on 'do not disturb.'

you walked out of his shower a few minutes later, hair only towel dry and dripping onto the clothes he offered you to wear. ethan found himself staring a little bit more than he wanted to, but he quickly averted his gaze before you noticed.

"thanks." you climbed into bed next to him, bringing your legs under his blanket and sighing at the warmth.

"y/n, you have to be careful," ethan said softly as you made yourself comfortable, laying down completely on his bed.

"i know."

"no, i mean," ethan breathed out steadily, trying to find his words, "with everything with richie.. he likes you, you know." he laid down on his bed as he spoke, relishing in the warmth of his comforter. you were both facing each other, hands under your cheeks as you laid face to face.

"i know that too." you frowned slightly at the mildly impressed look on ethan's face. "did you think he was being discreet? are you kidding?"

"i don't know!" ethan groaned, hiding his face in his pillow and mussing up his curls even more. "this is gonna sound mean—"

"now you have to say it," you said, amusement laced in your tone as you shifted on his bed. "i'm spending the night, so you won't be able to run away from the topic."

ethan peeked at you from the safety of his pillow before sighing reluctantly. "i thought you were too socially awkward to notice," he said quickly, stringing his words together. ethan expected you to be annoyed or to turn away from him and be silently offended.

but instead, you laughed softly.

and ethan realized that he liked that sound.

"i may not be great at the whole talking thing," you said, your smile still on your face, "but i'm not stupid."

ethan hid his face in his pillow again out of embarrassment, letting out a muffled, "i'm sorry i underestimated you," that made you snort in amusement.

"you better be. don't even worry about it." you turned away from ethan, closing your eyes as you murmured a small, "good night, e."

heart warming at the nickname, ethan turned away from you, his back to your back as he replied, "good night, y/n."

ethan woke up before you did.

at some point during your slumber, you had both turned around and faced each other in the bed, making ethan wake up with your sleeping face right in front of him. and rather than turn away or be mildly embarrassed that you were probably smelling his morning breath, he found himself staring.

your face was relaxed; far more relaxed than the usual indifferent that seemed to constantly be on your features. lips parted gently as little snores left your lips, your once wet hair now a mess on his pillow, ethan found himself admiring you.

until he remembered his brother most likely had a dismembered body underneath his bed. then his little movie daydream fell apart.

standing up slowly, careful not to wake you, ethan made his way out his door and to his bathroom. shutting and locking the door behind him, he stared at how he looked in the mirror; groggy, more pale than usual, and honestly kind of disgusting with the obvious stress that was written all over his face.

shedding his clothes, ethan turned on his shower and walked in, shutting his eyes as he simply let the hot water fall on him.

"you can't possibly believe he's innocent."

"ethan, he's our brother," quinn groaned, falling back on his bed and letting her red hair scatter on his white comforter. "it's like, basically our job to believe that he's innocent."

richie had been questioned for months now. virtually no suspects have been showing up besides him; evelyn was too good to people, too kind, and there seemed to be no one who seemed to have an out with her. none strong enough that would constitute murder, because honestly, evelyn was a wallflower. she knew people, and people knew her, but there was no one besides her best friend who was horribly close to her.

ethan shook his head, fingers flying over his keyboard as he typed out his essay furiously, simply blurting words onto the empty google doc just to have something to turn in. "there's something wrong with him."

quinn rolled her eyes. "well, obviously."

"no, i mean," ethan huffed in frustration, still focused on his screen, "there's something messed up about him. he's hiding something, quinn."

flashed of all the shit that had happened only a few years prior were projecting behind his closed eyes, and ethan found himself forcing his eyes open just to keep them away.

he washed himself up before stepping out and brushing his teeth, before doing his skin care routine (he had acne before and he was not going to have acne again) before stepping out of his bathroom with his towel around his waist.

you were still sound asleep on his bed, which made him sigh in relief as he grabbed some underwear and some new clothes before walking back into his bathroom to change.

hair only towel dry and dripping onto his black shirt, ethan walked out of his room, heart thrumming steadily as he carefully shut his bedroom door behind him. sock-clad feet shuffling across the floor, he carefully made his way to the kitchen.

his heart just about dropped to his ass when he saw richie leaning by the counter, a cup of tea (of course the arrogant asshole drank tea in the morning) in his hand as he sipped it. looking up at ethan, he did nothing to hide his sly smirk as he looked him up and down.

"morning," ethan managed out past the sudden urge to throw up, walking past richie to grab his usual mug before starting a pot of coffee. he refused to look his brother in the eyes, but he could feel richie's steely stare stabbing into the side of his head as he waited for his coffee to brew.

"good morning for you, huh?" richie chuckled, making ethan swallow thickly, ignoring the panic arising in his stomach as he only stared at the dripping coffee falling into the pot.

"how much did you hear?" ethan said, trying to play the light hearted card.

"just a bit," richie said, unaware that ethan knew he was completely lying, because richie stood right outside his door and listened to you fake fuck his brother. "sounded fun."

"fuck off."

"am i wrong?" richie rolled his eyes. "it's about time you got laid. always actin' like you have a stick up your ass," he snorted, sipping his tea again.

ethan's jaw clenched at his words, resisting the urge to punch his murdering brother in the face with the mug he had thrifted only a month ago. "where'd you go last night?" he forced out, trying to keep up the lie as he finally turned to him. "y/n and i had to bring quinn home without you."

"where do you think?" richie said with a wicked grin, placing his cup down next to him as he crossed his arms over his chest. "ended up fucking some girl upstairs."

"oh. congrats," ethan said dryly, unable to care any less than he did. but when richie's words fully sank in, a thought popped up into his mind.

was that girl still alive?

"thanks." richie didn't even ask about quinn, his carelessness for the whole situation evident as he watched his young brother intently, eyes snapping to his neck. "she didn't leave any marks on you."

ethan's breath hitched at that. "i told her not to."

"'course you didn't." richie clicked his tongue. silence followed, the only sound coming from the passing cars and the bubbling coffee that was falling into the pot. "are you done with her, though?"

"what the hell is that supposed to mean?" ethan snapped at him, unable to hide his annoyance as he poured his coffee into his mug. done with you? what were you, a toy?

"i mean," richie sighed, as though he had to spell it out for him, "if you're done messing around with her, i wanted to ask her out on an actual date." he smirked. "instead of just fucking her after a party."

ethan's hand clenched harder around his mug, the fact that richie was painting himself to be so chivalrous making even more sick than he already was. "i thought you weren't dating anymore after sam."

"changed my mind after i saw her," richie said casually, taking his mug and sipping from it again. his eyes followed ethan's like a hawk as he reached into their fridge and pulled out his hazelnut creamer, just to add a bunch to his coffee. "is that bothering you, ethan?"

richie wanted it to bother him. and the worst part was that it was, it really was bothering ethan.

"ah," richie tsked, forcing a charming smile as he saw you walk out of ethan's room, wiping the sleep from your eyes as you trudged into the kitchen. "speak of the devil."

you refused to look richie in the eye, instead walking up next to ethan and watching him stir his coffee. "morning," you murmured to him, making the brunette boy hum in response. "can you pour me some?" you asked him, voice rough due to the morning. ethan could only nod.

"g'morning, y/n," richie hummed, making you mumble a half-hearted 'morning' right back. "d'you want breakfast?" he asked, voice suddenly warm and demeanor suddenly caring, as though he wasn't talking about how ethan "fucked" you last night only minutes ago.

"sure," you replied, feigning interest as you stared into his eyes. there was truly nothing behind them, nothing but an eternal black abyss that stared back at you, and a chill went down your spine at the thought of richie's victims only seeing that before they died.

but you had woken up that morning with a plan. a plan you hadn't told ethan yet, but you were going to.

"what're you feeling? eggs, bacon, toast, bagel, cereal?" richie asked you, making you hum in thought as you sat down on the dining table.

"a bagel with some cream cheese would be great," you said, ignoring the confused look ethan sent to you. you had barely uttered more than a few words to richie before, and now you were willing to let him make you breakfast? what the fuck?

the tension was running high, though richie seemed to be oblivious (or just straight up indifferent) to it, as he nodded at you, getting the bagels and letting himself make your breakfast.

ethan sat next to you, two coffees in hand. he set one down in front of you, hazel eyes looking over your face for any kind of explanation as to why you were suddenly so kind to his murderous brother. but you only looked into his eyes calmly as you took the mug and brought it closer to you.

if only he knew that inside, you were practically panicking at your idea. but if ethan was so sure that richie would only get away from the police if you both told them, that meant that you had to bring matters into your own hands. you were somewhat qualified; a few college psychology and criminology lectures would help down the road. hopefully.

"quinn's still asleep?" you asked ethan, raising your mug to your lips and sipping the coffee.

"yeah. i'll make her breakfast when she gets up," ethan murmured, still looking at you as though you had subtly grown another limb. he needed an explanation. you were planning something. you had to be.

"how 'bout you go check on her?" richie said, his question sounding more like a statement rather than an option. "just to make sure she's okay," he added with a smile that was rottingly sweet, eyes practically ordering ethan to go.

"i'll follow after you, e," you said, eyes unreadable as you stared at ethan.

you had a plan. you had a plan.

ethan sent the both of you a glare as he nodded reluctantly, towel dried hair moving with him as he stood up. "fine." taking his coffee mug with him, he went to grab a glass of water for quinn before walking out of the kitchen.

only when richie heard quinn's door close did he start talking again.

"so," richie began, his back to you as he took out your bagels from the toaster. "are you both together?" he was completely unaware of the wide eyed look you had towards the back of his head.

your eyes were clouded over with rage as you stared at the back of your father's head. you felt like you were floating, as though you were just some puppet to be controlled by your consciousness flying high above the clouds. and as you watched his body move through the haze in your eyes, you began to move just as your consciousness told you to.

you grabbed the marble white statue next to you.

"no," you murmured, eyes glinting with something dangerous as you watched richie smear cream cheese over your toasted bagel. "just messing around." your eyes were still set on the back of richie's head, staring at the untouched skin, the mussed golden brown hair.

"right," richie said with a small laugh, shaking his head to himself. of course, he believed he was right. "so does that mean i still have a chance?"

he was so oblivious to your existence. as though you weren't his flesh and blood, as though you were nothing but a burden forced upon him and his wife, as though they hadn't forced your creation in the first place.

you were nothing to your father. nothing but a parasite living under his roof.

your chest was heaving steadily as you stared at the back of your father's head and at neck. untouched. unburdened by the pressure and horror he put you and your mother through every day. and you gripped the statue so hard that your knuckles hardened.

"are you flirting with me?" you asked, the question coming out monotone as you continued to stare at the back of his head. and just like all those years ago, you gripped the mug hard. hard enough that your knuckles pales. hard enough that the heat burned against the skin of your palm.

legs moved on their own as you finally broke away form the corner your father always forced you into. the statue felt like nothing in your hands— no longer was it a statue of ophelia, one that guests to your home gawked at and praised for how beautiful it was, for how untouchable and pure it was. it was only a weapon.

"maybe i am," richie said with a chuckle, carefully putting down the bagel onto your sage green plate. "would you be complaining if i was?"

you walked up behind your father, ignoring the yelling, ignoring the raw abuse that was happening right at that moment, and you swung the statue down upon the back of his head. and finally, finally, his unbruised skin bloomed red.

as he turned to you, you managed a smile, placing your chin in your hand as you leaned forward on the table. "no," you said softly, cunning eyes staring at richie as he finally turned around. "i wouldn't mind it," you lied, ignoring the harsh pounding of your heart, and blood rushing through your ears, the horrible sinking feeling in your stomach as you stared right into the eyes of a killer.

the red that decorated his skin matched him, you thought. it matched the red knuckles he always carried.

and so you did it again with a sickening splat. and oh, the satisfaction was so fucking good that you raised the statue as though it was nothing and slammed it down on to the back of your father's head again. relishing in the blood splattering on your cheek. watching as he twitched like a freshly caught salmon.

so you did it again.

"really?" richie sat down in front of you, pushing the plate towards you as he looked at you amusedly. it was almost offensive how much he was underestimating you, looking at you as though you were just some girl falling for his little tricks.

but you truthfully didn't mind being underestimated. not if you could use it to your advantage.

"thanks," you said with a small smile, taking one of the bagels and biting into it. you allowed yourself to chew and swallow it before sipping your coffee. the coffee ethan made you.

richie leaned forward, eyes traveling down your face, landing on your lips before looking back into your eyes. "so you wouldn't mind it," he said lowly, making you raise a brow at him in faux confusion (as though this wasn't part of your plan in the first place). "if i asked you out on a date? this saturday?"

ignoring the rushing blood in your ears and the sinking feeling in your stomach and the fact that all your thoughts were telling you to just punch him and leave, you merely smiled a tight-lipped smile form behind your mug. "i wouldn't mind that either."

"you said what?"

"i said yes." your ring ran over your knuckles yet again as you sat in front of ethan in a cafe. it was later in the day now, and after explaining to mindy that your fake fling with ethan was a one time thing, you had both agreed to meet up at a cafe to talk about it more.

ethan stammered at that, mixing his coffee with a soft clink clink sound as he stared at you, baffled out of his mind. "why would you do that? you know that saying yes is like walking— willingly, may i add ��to your death?!"

you caught your ring before it could fly off of your hand, pulling it back onto your finger again. "this is the plan," you began, leaning forward in your chair and putting your arms on the coffee table. "i'm the bait—"

"you're the bait?" ethan echoed in disbelief, making you send him a glare.

"you said it yourself that he knows how to get away from police. so that means that we have to do things ourselves." you looked into his eyes intently. "i'm the bait. i date richie, get him close to me, and we," you swallowed thickly, jaw clenching out of slight nervousness, "we gather clues to get him caught. all the evidence we need."

ethan stayed quiet, clenching his jaw as he listened to you. "i had a thought last night, you know," he said, "if richie's attracted to you.. that means you," he exhaled shakily, worry flashing over his face as he grimaced in his chair, "you might be the next one he kills."

you managed a wicked smile. "perfect."

"perfect?" ethan gaped at you, lips slightly parted when he saw just how sure you were at the idea of putting yourself in danger. "jesus christ, maybe you are crazy," he muttered under your breath, making you roll your eyes."

"if what you're saying is true, then it'll be easier for us to gather evidence. a lot easier."

ethan's eyes were furrowed as he looked at you, his arms crossed over his chest as he turned the plan over and over in his head. "and if he finds us out?"

"he won't."

"if he does," ethan narrowed his eyes at you, "what'll we do then?"

you blinked.

"we kill him."

ACT III

#AUTHORSNOTE— i'm soso excited for this series i'm ngl. remember, feel free to ask to be on the taglist!

#TAGLIST— @cham9ions , @netey6m , @mskitkatbubbles , @onlyangel-444 , @cyueksims

[bxttxrflybxddie]

|Dating Mime Bomb|

a/n: GOD i love this mime skdjlsbdksbdks pls let me be self-indulgent lmao please enjoy

pairing: mime bomb x gn!reader

post type: headcannons

requested: yes!

word count: 750+

warnings: thieving, major fluff, brief mentions of past bullying, possibly brief mention of monogamy? (mentioned how you're his fav person), might make a pt. 2, or a drabble, or a continuation that isn't safe for minors lmao idk it's 4am!

Mime Bomb adores you! There’s no use hiding how you’re running through his mind all day. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t, since anybody could guess from the lovestruck expression on his painted features. He wears his heart on his sleeve.

He’s your biggest supporter, for better or for worse. He’s always up for tagging along on any mischief (preferably criminal) you’re up to. He keeps an eye on you since you’re his favorite person, but invite him anyway! It's the thought that counts!!

Working together on missions is a blast. (Both of you working for VILE or not.)  Between romantic gestures and getting some needed alone time, the beautiful scenery changes the setting from an expedition to a date. Even if VILE doesn’t land their sticky fingers on a prized artifact, you and Mime Bomb never leave the area empty-handed. (You’re holding each others! And perhaps stolen property.)

Indulging in his interests is one of the best ways to make him feel appreciated. Get him some merchandise from a musical and he’ll reward you with either mimed kisses or a gift in return! You don’t need to tell him what you’re interested in, he knows from his pining before you two got together. (Tell him anyway, he’ll love that you want him to know your passions.)

Downtime is the best time. As much as he likes his mime getup, and how loveable you may find it too, Mime Bomb bare-faced in ordinary clothing is a beautiful sight. He can rub his face on your chest/lap/head/shoulder/etc. without worrying about redoing or transferring his foundation, you get a peek into his everyday style, and you can finally see how red he gets after flustering him.

Tease him, be relentless. He’s been bullied, picked on, and made fun of his whole life. He can take just about anything you give him out of pure experience. Lovingly satirize him but give him the space to do it back to you. Not only is this great for inside jokes between the two of you, but it’s almost healing for him. To laugh with someone instead of being laughed at is something he never processed since he was always the butt of the joke. It’s like rough-housing but with words and actions instead of physical contact. Physically tease him too, lingering touches and featherlight kisses make him swoon.

Kissing him, lipstick on or not, is an art form between you both. It’s sacred and cherished, with the everlasting fear that each lock of lips might be the last. Holding hands is also attached to sweet moments. Since he normally wears gloves, it’s not often you’re allowed to feel the skin of his palms or the bones of his knuckles. He’ll allow you to paint his nails, but he normally chooses black so prepare to stock up.

He does daydream about a future with you. Either by a continuation of your relationship now or maybe something big and new. He wants you by his side and him by yours through thick and thin. You’re his person; his rock, and he tries to let you know in every little shared moment. 

Mime Bomb is arguably the stealthiest operative that VILE has had, which means that he’ll be completely silent without always meaning to. You’re jumpscared constantly, but you learn to get used to it since it’s an accident. Little do you know that he purposefully shocks you sometimes, he thinks it’s cute. He also lets you get away with a lot more than he should just because he thinks you’re adorable. Stolen items, deceiving others (not himself, to make that crystal clear), even possibly joining Team Red, He’s turning a blind eye. If your actions carry a heavy burden to conceal, he’ll expect a prize. (Date Night is now THRICE a week!!)

Unsurprisingly, not a bad significant other. What he lacks in experience is made up in enthusiasm. Your dear mime is a theater kid and a hopeless romantic, so he’ll sometimes pull actions or lines (nonverbally) from scenes of movies, musicals, and even a few shows. If you know what he’s referencing, act out the corresponding part to see him stumble before regaining his confidence. 

He feels incredibly special that you’re in his life and your presence is doing wonders for his mental health. Knowing that someone is in his corner after so many years is a comfort he’s never known before. However, he’d like to learn and repay it if it’s with you.

© BXTTXRFLYBXDDIE

[ohhxdile]

can you write something with Patrick bateman pls!! it doesnt have to be serious i want the reader to be like totally stupid, it can be satire if u want!

no nsfw please i just want him to brutally murder me

thank you ily🫶🫶🫶

Double-face ♯ OS

Pairing; Patrick Bateman x Reader

જ⁀➴

WC: 703 Summary: Your friend Patrick came to visit your house, clueless you invite him in. Warnings: Mention of murder, manipulation, creep, dumb reader, Patrick being cocky and weird A/N: i'm sorry bestie that i'm so late for your request but here it is finally! ! !

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You walked around your room, couldn’t think of anything else than Patrick. His way of talking, thinking and his looks hypnotized me. People didn’t get along with this man easily, but off the bat you had liked his weird way of approaching you. Never denied him or judged him.

You bite onto your lower lip waiting for the sound of the car tires and loud motor noise of it. A knock on your door could be heard, and you left the spot where you were and ran to the door, swinging it open. You were met with his smiling and enthusiastic face. Your hands held tightly to the door knob, palms sweating and not knowing what to say nor to do. He let himself in without any problem and walked around.

“I must say, the house is pretty clean” He looked at the shelf of books and plants. You smiled behind him, loving his compliment and presence in your home. You were met with his face again, arms behind his back. “You know why I’m here, right?” Confusion was written all over your face, the question didn’t seem to lead anywhere, so you sat on your couch. He walked fast behind, following you onto the couch. He pulled something from his trousers pockets and pulled a key. “See this key?” You nodded and followed it with your eyes, “It’s a key to many secrets and depth, just like my heart” He held the key to his heart, enhancing the dramatic act upon this small object. “It must be very important to you” He nodded, putting it away and sighing. “You’re the only one that understands my words, my analogy. I like you”

You had turned on the TV, so the atmosphere would be embarrassing with you two not talking and just staring at each other, Patrick hasn’t said anything for a while, just looking straight ahead. He wasn’t much of a talker, he sometimes had many amazing tales to tell, but today wasn’t it. You never blamed him for that nothing quite extraordinary happened your way, too. The TV was a great alternative so we could both watch something together and find a subject to start a conversation.

The channel that we were on was casting a woman who was explaining her paranormal house, that she might think was haunted. Patrick chuckled, amused by her stupidity and worries. “Who fucking believes that shit, huh?” You knew that he was smart and knew everything, you would never try to oppose to his opinions. “Women like her would get killed eventually from saying such insanity on Television” His words felt average, as if it was normal to say that, they did in fact sound cocky, but It came from him. You couldn’t believe that Patrick had something more sinister in mind to what he said earlier, even though during his speech he looked straight at your face and not the woman. 

“It’s getting pretty dark outside darling” You looked through your curtains, you haven’t noticed the time passing with his presence by your side. You got up and offered him his coat. He took it, slowly wearing it. “It was nice having you” You spoke, cheeks heating up from timidness, and he chuckled. “I really enjoyed it. I did” His hands were raised in front of me to amplify his gratitude, eyes looking around your home. “Add a tint of red, blood-red to your walls, they would look hypnotizing” You looked around the room and noticed just now the emptiness of color, you mentally noted that and went to get your keys to open the door. “A great pleasure to see my favorite person today” 

You didn’t know that day Patrick had murdered someone that worked with you earlier before meeting you, you haven’t noticed his stained shoes and his bloody fingernails. Befriending him made you dumb, unaware of your surroundings, and clearly he took that onto account, and played with it. He wouldn’t murder you, couldn’t dare. He would keep you as his priced rare jewel, killing his fun would be disappointing. Coming to your home unexpected was a right move, memorizing the house by heart and knowing what his next motive would be.

[knarme-stray]

I have 0 explanations like the weird dude I am

Also someone made this:

This is. Fucking. Brilliant. God bless.

Now pls tell me there is a fandom to this old Finnish political satire show from early 2000's... Been binging it from Yle TV lately.

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

Pls block me I don't want to see your posts that talks about a personality trait that has history of child abuse. also, NPD is real and you're invalidating ACTUAL VICTIMS who was abused by people with narcissism. Which makes YOU a narcissist. Don't expect the whole Tumblr users to believe you. 😭

there's so much to unpack here. what are you fucking talking about. "npd is real" "which makes YOU a narcissist" YEAH? I KNOW? I HAVE NPD LMAO?

"please block me" motherfucker how about YOU block ME💀 do not put it on me to not interact with you (which btw who the fuck are you. you're on anon) when you're perfectly capable of hitting the block button on your own

"invalidating actual victims of abuse by people with narcissism" theres a high chance my abusive father had NPD. narc abuse still isnt real. cry about it

like genuinely please tell if this ask is meant to be satire because it's almost like you didnt read my blog at all

[chloeangelic]

Pls write SUBJECT and description only sentences for a group orgy. You, me, & @toxicanonymity with my mm!joel.

Nice big group fuck. I feel like he needs this to boost his self esteem. And so help me god if you don’t fully direct every single thing that’s happening… 🫵🏼=👊🏼

I love you so fucking much

Hi Gracie, I hope this is sufficient.

Cheers, Chloe

Maintenance man!Joel group bang with special guests 

Pairing: @gracieispunk x @toxicanonymity x Chloe Angelic x maintenance man!Joel x Father Joel x Lincoln!Joel x f!reader 

Warnings: This is garbage just don't read it if you don’t wanna see a shitty blasphemous 6some, idk what to tell you anymore. I promise this is my second to last satire fic until I hit 2k.

Word count: 1k 18+ 

You’re hanging out with three of your friends; Toxic, Gracie, and Chloe. They are all giving you ideas for your fics. They all think you should write infidelity, you were thinking something more along the lines of fluffy flirting with your dad’s best friend. They think it might be a bit tame. Chloe thinks you should make him cry at some point in the fic, she's clearly in a bit of an angst phase. You think Toxic and Gracie are more fun.

Gracie downs the last of her wine and says “We’re all horny sluts and I have an idea”.  She goes over to her kitchen sink and yanks on it until it breaks. She picks up her phone and calls the maintenance man. That’s Joel Miller. She says “Joel, I know it’s ten PM but my sink broke because I am a little slut and I need you to come over and fix it or else I will report you to the building manager as being not very helpful to me, a damsel in distress”. She hangs up. 

Joel shows up wearing a tool belt and he is fully dressed in a flannel shirt, jeans and a wedding ring because he’s married. “Well, well, well” Gracie says and takes him by the hand to leads him into the living room where there is a massive California king bed. There’s also a stripper pole in the middle of the room, and now Chloe’s self indulgent fics about pole dancing make sense to you. 

Unfortunately, Gracie’s sink is indeed broken now so you all have to sit in silence and watch as maintenance man Joel huffs and puffs and fixes the sink. “I’m was planning on leavin' after this,” he says, “But now you’re all naked and annoying and my cock is hard again so I have no choice but to fuck all of you little sluts”. Everyone cheers and claps. You can’t believe it, you thought he only existed in Gracie’s fics and now you get to fuck him IRL. 

A shadow appears in the hallway. Toxic shouts, “Hey, get back to the brothel! You don’t belong in this crossover!”. The shadow is gone. You don’t know who it was, although Chloe says she hopes it was Lincoln Joel because he looks hot and she’s had a bit of a weird crush on him ever since she saw a fanart of him with slicked back hair and a white t-shirt, but he is ultimately very creepy so she doesn’t think that would be a great idea. However, maybe fucking him with supervision would be okay. You both mentally move on. 

Maintenance man Joel takes off his pants and his above average sized cock is on full display. All four of you take turns sucking and fucking him and the whole ordeal is pretty gross when you think about it since there is spit and cum everywhere. 

Maintenance man Joel is overwhelmed to say the least. He is watching Chloe stripping while fucking Gracie who is going down on Toxic while you ride her face. You didn’t think the logistics of this would work but here you are. 

There’s a knock on the door and a man comes in, announcing his presence. 

Oh no, it’s Father Joel. Chloe forgot she invited him over. 

“Damn it, Father Joel,” she says, “I forgot I invited you over and now we’re having a group fuck and we need an extra dick so maybe it’s convenient that you showed up cause you’re a corrupt freak with a massive cock”. 

Father Joel stands in the middle of the living room while Chloe takes a break to drink some water and he takes off his pants to reveal his absolutely enormous cock. Maintenance man Joel rolls his eyes; Toxic and Gracie are all very interested in Father Joel all of a sudden. Chloe thinks that this is her chance to finally eat her leftover gluten free lasagna and says “I hate Father Joel anyways so please take him” and he loves the attention. 

Gracie gets on her knees in front of Father Joel and says “Please, Father, give me that dick”. Then he slaps her on the face with his cock and gives her a communion cracker. It doesn’t taste like much. Then she sucks his dick. 

You get on maintenance man Joel’s lap and start bouncing on his cock and asking how to stop your closet doors from jumping out of their tracks. He starts explaining and it’s incredibly boring but useful information.

Chloe and Toxic are looking at each other like “What the fuck” and Toxic says “You know what? Fuck it, let’s get the party started” and takes her phone out of her pants on the floor and calls someone to come over. 

The door opens again. It’s Lincoln Joel. He’s wearing the white t-shirt. Chloe is nervous but horny. 

Toxic says “You’re welcome, he’s fucking creepy as hell and I wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole but I understand that’s how you feel about Father Joel, it is what it is” then goes over to Gracie, who is now riding Father Joel’s face, and gets on his dick so that they are now having a threesome. Everyone is sucking and riding and moaning and sweating and they are definitely going to get a noise complaint. Maintenance man Joel says “What the hell have I gotten myself into here, I thought I was just messing around with one annoying tenant who keeps calling me and now I am watching a threesome with an ordained priest”. 

Chloe isn’t sure what to do, this doesn’t seem like Lincoln Joel’s scene. He says, “Chloe, there’s a priest here, I think it’s best if we get married before we do anything”. Chloe says ok. Father Joel recites the entire marriage speech that priests give and he says “You may now kiss the bride”. Lincoln kisses Chloe and they go to the bedroom. Then they fuck as well and she’s enjoying the thrill but is also a little bit concerned that she is now legally Catholically married to this old man. Whatever.

Maintenance man Joel blows his load inside you and says he has to go home. You both leave and listen to the wet slapping sounds of the Joels and writers who are still fucking and sucking and riding. He drives you home in his truck and says you never saw him in that sin filled establishment, do you understand?

[kamiversee]

happy mother’s day mommy 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

HELLO? 😭

Thank you?? Happy mother’s day to any and all mothers out there! Pls tell me this is satire bc I definitely laughed

Wait… what if I posted smth in celebration….. breeding kink blurb maybe…….