#pls i wanna go back and reread everything
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you ever finish a dnd campaign and just think man this guy should write a book
#i swear if dm made the campaign into a book id buy it so fast#pls i wanna go back and reread everything#its been like two weeks and i miss it#man i cannot wait for the sequel#i acc already have my character and this time her backstory and stuff is way more fleshed out that before#should i share it#like her story?#maybe#idk#maybe once i draw her#dnd#spyderās chaos#dungeons and dragons
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guys itās my birthday and iām gonna use it as an excuse to be the cheekiest fic-writer-who-hasnāt-had-anything-to-offer-you-guys-in-over-a-year and beg you guys to send me any and all joel miller/any pedro pascal recs. specifically long fics found on ao3 if you know any pls pls pls šā¤ļø
#iāve been scouring the joel miller / reader tag on ao3 but itās so hard bc thereās like 165 pages and my attention span caps out so quick#pls help me i need this man#i just wanna read about him and his big cock#but like also read about him hurting me but then making everything better with his big cock#i beg of you#beware honestly if anyone does decide to send me fics there may be a chance iāve already read it but it doesnāt mean itās not appreciated#itās the THOUGHT THAT COUNTS#plus i can go back to it and reread bc duh#joel miller x reader#notsfw
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ššššššš ššš ššššš š š°š¬šš šŖšš š±šš³š¦š°š„ šµ šÆš¢šš”š¢šÆ š°š¢šÆš¦š¢š° šš 1 ā šš 2 šššš wc - 5.7k warnings - 18+/nsfw, dom sub dynamic, eventual romance/smut, medium burn? notes - first part of my owner!soap x pet!reader, woohoo! i already regret writing something centered around texting and calling lmao, crying!! the formatting is killing me!! anyway, also on ao3! and if you wanna send a request, pls do! ā„
Lonely girl looking for owner.Ā
Posting on this subreddit again was probably a mistakeābut a deep-down part of you clings to the hope that this time will be the time you find someone, the time you get to go home to him.Ā
At least this time, you'll be better at spotting the signs right off the batāif only you can take off the rose-tinted glasses long enough to take note.
Your inbox is flooded with the usual kinds of messagesāunsolicited pictures, low-effort one-sentence wonders, and so-called doms jumping straight to the part where they call you a nasty whore with no actual consideration for the person you are.Ā
You're just about to give up, delete the post, and ignore all chat requests when a message arrives in your inbox.Ā
From: squeakycleanscotĀ
Subject: Lonely guy looking for girl
Hi,
Saw your post and knew I had to message. You sound like everything I'm looking for and more.
I'm a little younger than the age you put on your post, but I think I fit your other requirements. I'm 27, Scottish (yes, with the accent), and in the army, I hope that's a turn-on rather than a turn-off.
When I'm not deployed, I like cosy nights in, preferably with my love by my side. Don't mind a night at the pub either, especially if there's a Celtic match on, not that anywhere near here shows them.Ā
I'm looking for something longer term like you mentioned (would love to collar my girl one day, which is probably ironic considering I'm a wee bit scared of dogs.)
Happy to send a picture if you'd like :)Ā
Hope to hear from you soon,Ā
Johnny.
Johnny.Ā
You reread the message, turning his words over in your mind.Ā
Something about his message has your attentionāit at least suggests he has a brain in his head and a heart capable of empathy, and that maybe he's serious.Ā
You begin typing your reply instantly, your fingers moving so fast you have to type and retype so many parts to rid the message of all of the overexcited mistakes.
hi johnny,Ā
scottish?! is it bad im already imagining how your dirty talk will sound?Ā
it's funny, i always wanted to join the army growing up, but it never worked out. maybe it's for the best as now i'm not immune to enjoying a hot man in uniform... which I'm assuming you are ;)Ā
cosy nights in are my favourite too! I'm a bit of a homebody and love being snuggled up more than anything. i have to let you know in advance that you have some stiff competition in the form of my giant teddy bear, barnaby.Ā
i'm looking for something longer term too, or at least not a one night kind of thingāa collar one day would be the dream <;3Ā
if you send a picture, ill send one back, nothing sexy just yet though, if that's okay?Ā
have you met up with someone off here before? just curious about your experiences!Ā
y/n
As soon as the message is sent, the overthinking kicks ināwas that too much? Is he going to think you're weird?Ā
You shuffle in bed, turning over between the sheets and trying to flick through other apps as you wait for a replyāotherwise, you'd just be staring at the notifications bar waiting for that silly little robot face to pop up.Ā
Johnny doesn't leave you waiting long, only a few minutes passing from your last message.
Maybe you'll find out sooner rather than later just how my dirty talk sounds ;)Ā
I tried to sneak in before I was old enough, but they caught on. Served since I was 18 though, you'll have a lot of stories ready from me if you're ever willing to listen. Not sure if the uniform is anything like you're thinking though, in my unit it's mostly just t-shirts, tac vests and trousers.Ā
I'll prepare my best snuggling arms for if we ever meet. You should inform Barnaby now about his replacement, mind.Ā
Can't not send a sexy photo though, sorry lass, all my pictures are. I'm sure you understand, lol
Haven't met anyone, had a few conversations but nothing worth pursuing, and had kind of given up until I saw your post.Ā
His message is the perfect mix of sexy, sweet, and sincereāand if that is the essence of the man, you know he's everything you're looking for.Ā
You try not to think too hard about a hot Scottish accent calling you all your favourite names or telling you exactly what to do, or even those stories he has to tell, as the idea is all too exciting.Ā
Reading his message, you instinctively reach out to pat Barnaby when you see he may end up replacedāhopefully the poor bear will understand when he has to vacate the bed for this sexy soldier man.Ā
looking forward to it. can I start putting in requests now for bedtime stories too?
i still wanna see, maybe in your sexy-not-sexy pic?Ā
barnaby will be devastated by the news, and you may have to give him hugs too (but not for too long, or i'll get lonely!!!)
same here, about things not going anywhere... or people turning out to be a bit scary, so you're not allowed to let me down, okay?Ā
Maybe the last part of the message was too much, but your heart is already soaring with unbridled hopeāalong with that hope comes doubt too.Ā
Each second waiting for a reply drags, and you take to re-reading his messages and clicking on his profile to investigate.Ā
It's largely empty of posts, but there are tons of comments across different communitiesāincluding his aforementioned football team, r/Scotland, and eyebleach.Ā
Clearly, he's a softie at heart.Ā
When his next message comes through, it's an Imgur link with a short message.Ā
Here we go, a few months old though now. Don't have anything more recent from work :)Ā
You take a moment or two to steady yourself before you tap the link. While you definitely feel like you and Johnny have already started to click, if he's not your type then it probably won't go anywhere...Ā
It's a situation you've been in beforeāgreat conversation, similar interests but no physical attraction, and back then you didn't have the heart to break it off straight away.
You tap the link and are greeted by a full-body shot of a tall, well-built man in tactical clothes. His hair is a neatly trimmed mohawk, and while his face isn't crystal clear, he's clearly fucking handsome. His biceps bulge from the gray tee stretched over his torso, his large hands are covered with gloves and grasping a gun.
Your eyes trail to his long legs, thick thighs encased in camo and strapped with various holsters. All in all, the picture is perfect. You find yourself zooming in desperately to get a better look at his face, the handsome jaw lined with stubble that you can already imagine between your legs. The whole image and every new detail has you squirming in your bed, and cheekily wishing to save the image to your phone.
holyfwucjĀ
holy fuckĀ
Like what you see?Ā
i need a hug from you urgently.Ā
now i feel shy...Ā
It had crossed your mind ever so slightly that Johnny may be out of your league, or that he simply may not be attracted to someone like you, which would be a complete shame. Now you've set eyes on him, you want him even moreāwant to kneel at those feet and stare up at his hulking figure while he tugs on a leash around your neck.Ā
Hopefully, just like you, he'll be smitten from the first glance.Ā
Scrolling through your camera roll, you decide you don't exactly love any recent photos of yourself. The ones at your last work event have you looking far too corporate, and the only image from your last night out was taking in a bathroom mirror in the local Wetherspoonsāneither of which is ideal.Ā
You crawl out from the warmth of your sheets, kneeling on the end of the bed and posing as you point your camera in the mirror that sits across the room and captures you perfectly. Before you start snapping, you adjust your top to make sure too much isn't on display, even though it's strappy and cropped, and definitely a little bit more on the tantalising side as far as your pyjamas go.Ā
Hopefully, Johnny likes the pose and the outfit... and you. You can see your smiling face just to the side of your phone as you press to capture the pictureāand when you return to your inbox to send the picture link, a message is waiting for you.Ā
I already know you're gorgeous. Don't leave me hanging, bonnie.Ā
okay. this is me now, all ready for bed!!Ā
Holy fuck yourself.
And I'm assuming that's Barnaby in the background.Ā
If he notices the pose, he doesn't comment on it, instead delighting your heart by commenting on Barnaby instead.
sure is! he's ready for snuggles and sleep.Ā
Can you do me a favour?Ā
That message makes your heart skip because usually when something like that is asked, it's followed with a request for nudes or something sexualāand while that is a large part of something like this, you crave the connection first, crave someone actually sticking around and getting to know you.Ā
depends on what it is!
Tell Barnaby to keep looking after you until I get there, yeah?Ā
does that mean you're coming for me?
One day, if we're both lucky.
seems promising so far, Johnny.Ā
Get some sleep, yeah? Maybe tomorrow night I'll give you a bell.Ā
The idea of this conversation ending is heart-wrenching, but at least sleep will bring you closer to that possible phone call. Hearing his voice, now that will be even more incredible.Ā
how do you expect me to sleep after telling me that? so mean!Ā
Patience, bonnie. Be good for me?Ā
You clench, your thighs squeezing together as arousal rushes through you. It's like he knows exactly how far to go, what buttons to press, what you're looking for.
It's the right kind of commanding, toeing the line perfectly between flirtatious and in charge. A lot of guys you've talked to have rushed it made commands too early, and sent you running. Johnny's words, be good for me? You can't help but want to behave.Ā
okay, but I see how this is going to be :(Ā
Bet you look so fucking good with a pout ;)Ā
now you're just being a cruel tease, Johnny...Ā
Sorry, I'll stop. Sleep, yeah, for me?
cuddling up to barnaby now.Ā
You decide to attach another picture, your eyes screwed shut and cheeks squished as you wrap yourself around the bear and cuddle up under the sheets.Ā
talk tomorrow?
Of course, bonnie, sweet dreams <;3Ā
You lock your phone, your eyes feeling relieved as they adjust to the darkness.Ā
For a brief moment, you just clutch your phone to your chest and recall the picture Johnny had sent, how much you'd love to be wrapped up in his arms tonight.Ā
He's the only thing on your mind as you drift off to sleep.
-//-
Your dreams are tumultuous, starting off with a nightmare of being chased and chased until your legs give out, only for you to find salvation and safety in a stranger's armsāone who seemed vaguely familiar.Ā
The first thing you do when you wake is roll over to check your phone, elation overtaking you when you see a notification from Johnny already waiting thereāalready he's blessing you with a good morning message.
Good morning, sweet girl.
Attached under the picture is another image link, and clicking on it brings up an absolutely gorgeous picture of Johnny, lazing in bed. There's just enough light in the room for you to see the brightness of his eyes that you couldn't see beforeāhis mohawk is mussed, and his smile is easy, drawing you in.Ā
He's even more handsome in this up close photo, you can only imagine what he looks like in person, right before you.Ā
morning Johnny <3 how did you sleep?Ā
Like a baby. Yourself?Ā
not the best, but I swear you were in my dream.Ā
Sorry to hear that, but oh already? What did I do?Ā
I mean, it was a bulky guy with a mohawk but he didn't have your name, I think it was meant to be you though.Ā
You recall the safety you felt in the arms of the strange figure, it was serene, and everything you hope to feel when you find the oneāhopefully that's Johnny.
My dreams were shite, you didn't show up.Ā
i'll try harder to be there tonight!!Ā
Promise?Ā
promise.Ā
God, he's so fucking sweet. It's hard to imagine he's into all the things you mentioned in your initial post, at least right now. But you're all too familiar with how appearances can be deceivingāyou wonder what else your sweet Scot is into.Ā
You peel back the covers and head out into the kitchen, flicking the kettle on mindlessly as you keep your eyes fixated on the screenānot wanting to be even a minute late to answering Johnny's texts, even though it seems there's a natural lull in the conversation.Ā
You return your focus to making your tea, and your thoughts don't drift from Johnny for even a moment, as you ponder ways to keep the conversation going. Admittedly, you have a million and one questions you want, but you don't want to come across too... eager? clingy? Like some serial killer fiending for information?Ā
It's crazy the way your heart yearns for him so soonāand it's crazy the way that you wish he feels the same as you do. You wonder how his day is going, and if he's staring at your phone waiting for your message.
With tea brewed, you set it on the coffee table and flop onto the plush couch, rushing to open the app when a new notification pops up.
What's your plan for the day?Ā
lazy day, binge-watching... texting you? wbu?Ā
I have to work for a bit, but I'll message you when I can.Ā
On a weekend? That's horrible, but I imagine they run a tight ship over there.Ā
You rush to follow up your message with something else.Ā
will you still be able to call tonight?Ā
Aye, give me your number, I'll save it!Ā
You send off your number and don't hear anything from Johnny for a good few hours. You pass the time watching one of your favourite shows, and trying to resist the urge to go scroll down Johnny's profile once more.Ā Ā
The next time a message pops up, it's well past lunch.
Cute profile pic on whatsapp.
Johnny has clearly added your number to his contacts and spied your picture on the app. You blush thinking of him seeing you in that costumeāespecially after he knows what you're into.
it was Halloween, I swear!!Ā
You make an adorable little kitten, lass.
imagination running wild now? ;)Ā
Aye, but I'm a gent.Ā
hopefully not always...
Oh, you'll see. Talk to you tonight, kitty.Ā
talk to you then <;3Ā
Now you're just itching, waiting for the hours to crawl by for Johnny's workday to end, so you can talk to him again, so you can finally hear his voice.Ā
What will it sound like saying your name? Whispering sweet nothings in your ears?Ā
The hours pass slowly until a different notification lights up your phone as you cuddle into your sheets.
Hey, it's Johnny! Just got home.Ā
You scramble to click on the pop-up, spying his own profile picture in the cornerātapping on it to view it closer.Ā
It's the Johnny you recognise, smiling wide with his arm slung around another man. He looks so ridiculously happy, probably due to the pint in his other hand. The more you look at him, the more you can't believe you're talking to this man, that he wants to talk to you.Ā
You quickly add him to your contacts, putting a heart next to his name, before you return to the chat and begin to type.
i'm not the only one with a cute pfp!!Ā
Three sheets to the wind in that picture, actually.
i can tell <3
Ready to call?Ā
whenever you're ready!
The image of him floods your screen, the screen pulsing as it waits for you to accept. Your fingers tremble as you press the button, and you fall silent as you press the phone to your ear, nerves gripping at your throat.Ā
"Hi, bonnie." His voice drifts from the phone speaker, sweet like honey and warm like sunshine, with that gorgeous accent too.Ā
"Hi." You squeak out, silently cursing at yourself for being so nervous and seemingly unable to speak.Ā
A melodic laugh follows your words, amused but not cruel or mocking. "Are you nervous?" His voice is soothing, his concern and sweet nature evident.Ā
You cradle your burning cheek, feeling the way your blush spreads across your smiling face. "Just a little, can you blame me?"Ā
He's laughing again, and you hear a shuffling noise that suggests he's getting comfortable. "Don't be, I'll look after yer, I promise."Ā
Fuck. You could get used to hearing that. "I really like your voice." You admit, whispering into the phone with a ridiculous grin on your face.Ā
"I like yours too, you sound so sweet."Ā
You drop your voice lower, giggling mischievously. "Only sometimes."Ā
"That's what I like ta hear." The way Johnny's voice dips as he says that has your insides fluttering, but you can only assume he's returning the favour. His tone returns to its usual charming tone as he asks, "How was your lazy day?"Ā
"Well, I kind of spent a fair bit of it distracted, thinking about this important call I was going to have tonight..."Ā
"Oh aye, I should get off the phone so you can wait then."Ā
"Funny. How was yours? What do you even do day to day, anyway?" You ask, voice brimming with curiosityāthere are so many things you want to ask, but you imagine his job can be secretive.Ā
"Lots of training, and sometimes paperwork, which is right shite."Ā
"Not when you don't have someone under the desk keeping you company." You laugh, taking the chance to flirt. If you were into Johnny after reading his messages, actually hearing his voice is only making your attraction soar.Ā
A quiet fuck can be heard, as the man on the end of the phone heaves out a breath. "I'll have ta look into getting you clearance if you keep talking like that, lass."Ā
"Glad to be of service, what can I say?" You find yourself in a giggle fit at your own silliness, a mix of nerves and joy at enjoying yourself so much.
"God, I love yer laugh." The deep sincerity in his voice makes your chest tighten.Ā
The drug that is Johnny is already so intoxicating.Ā
"I'm so glad you can't see me blushing."Ā
"I'm no'." He sounds so indignant about that. "But I could listen to that laugh all day, really."
If only he could see you pout too. "Now you're just trying to make me blush more."Ā
He chuckles, his voice dropping dangerously flirtatious again. "Maybe I am, nothing you can do about it."
"Now I'm pouting."Ā
"Better not pout in front of me, lass." His suggestive tone makes you shiver.Ā
"Oh, why's that?" You ask, playing coy.Ā
"'Cause I'll just have to start kissing ya, might even nibble on those soft little lips."Ā
You suppress a delighted squeak, already so flustered at even the idea of a kiss. "I'm not hearing a downside."Ā
"No?"Ā
"Nope."Ā
"Might not be gentle with you, though."Ā
"Good thing that I like it rough." The words are out of you before you can reconsider, but they have exactly the effect you intend as you hear Johnny inhale sharply.
"Ach, you and yer wicked mouth."Ā
"You have no idea..."Ā
He lets out a rough exhale, his voice turning gravelly and deep. "Fuck, bonnie."Ā
"Hey, I'm only repaying the favour, I've been squirming desperately pretty much since I picked up the phone."Ā
He whistles approvingly, his voice now teasing and playfully menacing. "Just you wait til I'm really in ya head."Ā
"You're already making good progress." You admit.
"Oh aye?"Ā
You hum contentedly, eyes flickering shut for a moment. "I'll be imagining your voice as I fall asleep tonight."Ā
"I'll just have ta send yer voice notes to drift off to, so I can end up in your dreams again." You can almost hear the smirk in his voice.Ā
"Already spoiling me, too."Ā
Fuck, how is it this man seems to know exactly what to say? Everything that comes out of his mouth takes root in your brain and sends your thoughts running wildāit's like he's already in your head, or as if someone made him in a lab.
"I'll spoil ya every day, if you're ever mine."Ā
You groan in frustration, unbelieving that a stranger can be so seemingly perfect. "How are you even single, Johnny?"Ā
"I could ask you the same. Taking everything in me to not ask for an address right now, if I'm being honest." He huffs a laugh.Ā
While the idea is thrilling, you know you should have at least some sense of preservation, and shouldn't blurt out your postcode for this strange man you barely know. "I'm worth the wait, I swear." You whisper your promise.Ā
"I'm sure yer are. But to answer your question, my work keeps me busy a lot, and this lifestyle isn't for everyone." There's a hint of vulnerability to his voice, and you sense such a fact is a sore point in his personal life.Ā
In the fantasy of all of this, you suppose the reality of the situation isn't something you'd stopped to consider. Life for a man in the military was surely so different from a regular 9-5. "I'm guessing that you're away a lot?"Ā
"Aye, sometimes for just a few days, sometimes for months, all depends." His admission is soft, as if you can hear in his tone that he's waiting for you to bolt.Ā
If that's the big 'catch' when it comes to Johnny, you can breathe a sigh of relief. "Yeah, I guess you need someone strong and loyal to hold on and wait for you."Ā
There's a tense silence, something lingering in the air.Ā
"Hard to come by, I've found."Ā
The thought makes your stomach twist in the worst possible way. Johnny, at least on the surface, seems so worthy of love.Ā
You chance the question that's on the tip of your tongue, hoping Johnny doesn't mind your reckless curiosity. "Have... you been cheated on?"Ā
"More than once, gets less surprising over the years." He finishes with a sad laugh, as you can tell he tries to infuse humour into the whole thing.Ā
"That's... horrible."Ā
Being sent away from your home to face gunfire and warfare, all to keep the people back home safe... only to be betrayed by the people back home who love you, who are supposed to wait for you. It's a gut-wrenching thought, and your heart aches for the man.
"A few of the lads here have a similar story."Ā
"So the army, not for the faint of heart, and dating an army man, not for the faint of heart." You sigh, though you don't feel put off by the thought.Ā Ā
"Exactly. That you then? Faint of heart?"Ā
"No. I mean, inside I'm clingy as hell, and I'd miss you like crazy every day until you got back..." Your emotions overtake you, as you imagine a future where you'd have to kiss the man goodbye for maybe months at a time. "But I get the feeling that what we could have would be worth the wait. Hypothetically of course."Ā
At that, Johnny laughs, and his light tone returns. "Don't want to get too far ahead of ourselves, aye."Ā
You don't want to get ahead of yourself, you know you shouldn't, but the way you and Johnny have clicked is unlike anything you've felt before. "But... I have a good feeling."Ā
"I do too, already dreading putting down the phone."Ā
"I'm not planning on it anytime soon, even if I have to be up early tomorrow."Ā
"So do I, alarms set for 4."Ā
You do not envy his lifestyle one bit.
"That's awful! I'm gonna be so cranky tomorrow, I might have to use my lunch break for a nap." You admit, preemptively yawning into your hand.Ā
"You one of those perpetually sleepy girls?"Ā
You nod, even though he can't see it. "The sleepiest."Ā
"Barnaby is a lucky bear, getting to cuddle up to you so much."Ā
You burst out laughing at the hint of envy in his words. "Are you... jealous?"
"For now, but soon the tables will turn." He faked an evil laugh, that only makes you giggle harder.Ā
"Oh, you think you can give better snuggles than him?"Ā
"Oh, I know I can, bonnie. The bear can't wrap his arms around yer, can't whisper sweet things in your ear..." His voice dips back into that seductive, teasing tone. "... Can't trail his hands down to that pretty little pussy."Ā
Once more, you flush with desire, every nerve alight as Johnny's words wash over youāalthough it seems like almost everything he says has your body reacting. "You have an interesting way of cuddling, Johnny."
"Didnae say I was actually gonna do anything once my hands got down there."Ā
"Well, I wouldn't be opposed."Ā
"When you're in my arms, you wouldn't have a choice, lass." The dark, dominant voice makes you shiver, makes your submissive instincts awaken.Ā
"Oh yeah?"Ā
He hums slowly. "Once you're mine, you leave the choices to me. Johnny knows best, yeah?"Ā
"Johnny knows best." You whisper breathlessly, the words coming out automatically, like they just feel right.
"Steamin' Jesus, can already tell yer gonna be the death of me."Ā
"Can't have that, your family won't get your death in service payout!" You laugh awkwardly, before a sense of guilt rears its head. "Sorry, grim joke."Ā
"I don't mind. You should hear some of the ones my Lt. comes out with, he's a right sick bastard." He chuckles.
"Never want to make light of it and hurt you, though."Ā
"Telling jokes makes it easier hen, you'll be wishing me dead in no time at all."Ā Ā
You gasp, shocked by the prospect. "I'd never!"Ā
"Not even when I deny you from touching yourself for my entire deployment? Months of nothing at all?" The sick grin is evident in his voice.Ā
"You wouldn't, that's so mean. You're too sweet for that."Ā
"Aye, for now, but don't you like a little bit of meanness, if yer into men like me..." The edge to his voice and the truth to your words has you trembling.Ā
"Maybe..." You singsong in response, not wanting to give away just how much you liked the idea of his mean side.Ā
"Bonnie..." He tuts disapprovingly. "Don't play coy."Ā
You shudder out a breath as you squeeze your thighs together for relief. "I just don't want you to bully me too much right now, I'm already soaked."Ā
"Is that right?" He seems delightfully surprised by such a revelation.Ā
"Mhmm."Ā
"I'm fucking rock hard if it helps, think I have been since last night..." You hear him shuffle, and you try not to imagine what's happening on the other end of the line, or how he looks lying in bed with said hardness.
When he groans hungrily down the line, you feel yourself quake once more. "The sight of you on your fucking knees... Christ alive."Ā
You can't help but giggle at your unintended teasing. "It wasn't on purpose, I thought it was cute more than anything."Ā
"Adorable and naughty, could cum just looking at it." He huffs.Ā
"You're just flattering me, besides, I could say the same about your picture."
Every part of you flushes thinking of the first photo he sent, all muscle and alpha maleāit's like he was the physical embodiment of dominance, and just looking at him makes you want to kneel.
"You like the military get up?"Ā
"Love it, more than I probably should."Ā
"Oh aye, bet you'd love for me to order you around?" His words are playful, but underpinned with a hint of promise. "All in due time, eh?"Ā
"All in due time. What's your rank, anyway?"Ā
"Sergeant."Ā
"Wait..." You take a deep breath as you consider your question. "Can I ask for your last name or is it too soon?"Ā
"Mactavish."
Johnny Mactavishāyou should remember to give that a quick Google search later.
"Sergeant Mactavish." You test the name on your tongue, trying to imagine him at work, following and giving orders.Ā
"Sounds too good when you say it, bonnie." He laughs.Ā
"Thank you, sergeant." Your affectation of the word is entirely intentional, as you attempt to rile him up with the use of his title.Ā
The throaty groan that leaves him is addictive.
"What else do you like to be called?"Ā
"Depends on what you want to call me really, but I like... sir."Ā
"I like it too, will have to remember that for the future, and just torture you with sergeant in the meantime." You can't help but giggle as you flirt.Ā
"Oh don't worry, am keeping score." He growls playfully. "Wait til I get ma hands on you, bonnie."Ā
"You're keeping score?" You gasp, a heady mix of fear and arousal coursing through you almost urges you to be even more of a teasing brat.
"Aye, spanking arm at the ready."Ā
"My pouting lips are ready."Ā
"Won't be the only thing you use them lips for."
Fuck fuck fuck. Not that you hadn't thought about it already, hadn't already let your mind drift to what his cock might look likeāwhether it matches the size of the manānow you're definitely thinking about it. Fixated on it, craving it.Ā
Some cards are best kept close to your chest so early on, so you change tack and go a different direction with his flirtation. "Yeah, with you in the room, I'd probably be smiling a whole lot."Ā
The two of you continue to chat, you asking what you can about his work as he asks about yours, and you fill him in on the boring world you live in, which seems especially boring in comparison to taking down cartels and traveling the world.
The conversation never stops being easy, the flirtation and innuendo always right there at the tip of your tongues as you tease each other relentlesslyāgiving as good as you get. All night, you're practically grinding against your duvet as you get lost in Johnny's dulcet tones, and you find yourself just letting him speak for the sake of getting to hear more of his voice.
As Johnny is about to ask you more about your background, you're overcome with a harsh yawn that you desperately try to stifle. Your eyes have been shut for the last hour at least, but with the command Johnny has over your nervous system right now, it's been easy to stay awake.Ā
"Tired, bonnie?" He asks, voice laced with sweet concern.
"Yeah..." Your voice falls quiet, as the thought of ending the call makes your throat constrict. "But I don't wanna stop talking."Ā
"Me either, but av got bad news."Ā
You know what's coming, and you know it isn't remotely anywhere near the end of the world, despite what your heart is telling you right now. "Go on."Ā
"I have to go." Even he sounds sad about such an outcome.Ā
"It's not even that late?" The clock reads 2 am.Ā
"Gotta get a wee bit of sleep before I hit the gym, and then get off ta work. Don't you have work too?"Ā
"Work from home tomorrow, so it's not too bad. Not fair though, I wanna keep talking." You admit quietly. It's too much too soon, but you're overwhelmed, the tide of your emotions crashing over the edges.
"Tell yer what. Next time we call, we can try leaving it on while we sleep."
Your heart flips, as you almost whimper at how cute the gesture is. "Are you trying to make me fall in love with you?"
"Obviously." There's that gorgeous laugh again. "Is it working?"Ā
"Just a little, but that might be the lack of sleep talking, I might be going slightly insane."Ā
Johnny sighs, and it's clear he's battling to keep a handle on his self-control. "Rest, bonnie, I won't be able to work knowing you're not sleepin'"Ā
You sigh too, accepting your fate. "Okay, just for you."Ā
"Just want what's best for you, you need your sleep."Ā Ā
Your head spins at how utterly sincere he soundsāthe care in his voice after such a short amount of time serves to drive you even deeper into this infatuation. "Already?"Ā
"Can't turn it off, am just protective by nature, bonnie. If you were my girl, you'd have a bedtime."Ā
And that makes your cunt clench and your heart soar. "Johnny..." You whine.
"Yeah?"Ā
You hesitate to say what you want to say next, but everything within you is calling out for him, desperate to be in his arms. "Don't make me wait too long to meet you, please."Ā
His laughter is sweet, conveying a sense of understanding more than anything. "I'll try ma best, supposed to be off on Friday."Ā
"5 whole days."
"Sure you don't wanna wait a bit longer?"Ā
You shake your head, mumbling a sound to convey your feelings. "Feels right, don't know how to describe it... do you feel it too?"Ā
Johnny takes a deep breath, his voice shaking slightly as he speaks. "I do, lass."Ā
"Good." You couldn't even attempt to fight the idiotic grin on your face, or how warm you feel inside and out. "I'll get some sleep, talk soon."Ā
"Goodnight, bonnie. Sweet dreams."Ā Ā
You wait for Johnny to end the call, not wanting to push the button yourself and have his presence fade away. When your screen dims, you resist the urge to text him more, opting instead to put your phone on charge and roll over to Barnabyāwishing it was Johnny instead.Ā
#john soap mactavish x reader#john soap mactavish#soap mactavish x reader#soap x reader#soap mactavish#john mactavish x reader#johnny mactavish x reader#johnny soap mactavish x reader#call of duty fanfiction#call of duty x reader#call of duty fanfic#soap mw2#this is a crime against literature i swear#also a crime against graphic design#crimes all round???#anyway posting and pretending this doesnt exist so the self loathing goes away xox#aaaaaaaaaaah#collars and cages
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star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 15
pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader
synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, youāve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but youāve never met somebody like him.
there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that heās always wanted to, but what he didnāt anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned.
genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden romance, slowburn (!!!) soulmate au (kind of), star-crossed lovers
warnings: cursing, mature content, fancy drinking, mutual pining, sexual tension, so much angst, kissing, making out, dirty talk, fingering, grinding, dry humping, dom!hyunjin, jealousy, more angst
word count: 35K (ik the wc makes it feel v long but itās really not that much haha)
a/n: im so excited to be coming back with this huge of a chapter for you guys. so much goes down and im insanely excited to share this next phase of my story with you. its v long so pls get comfortable with a blanket and snacks. I would recommend rereading the last chapter, if you can! thank you for still being here.
i recommend that you can listen to my star lost playlist here!
important: all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.
masterlist
He had fucked up. Even in the dimly lit drive-in theatre, the guilt on his face was evident. Hyunjin had never looked this devastated.
āI need to talk to youāĀ
Thatās what he had said. The gnawing feeling in your gut got worse. Those words together, in that order, was never a good sign. You knew as much, and you knew whatever he had to tell you was going to be something bad.
āWhy did you leave in the middle of the film?ā You asked, gaze darting between him and your friends.
Yuqi was staring wide-eyed, watching this unfold, soda cup clutched in her hands, and Felixā¦he looked beyond irritated.
The movie could still be heard all the way over here. You werenāt too far from the projection screen, and the speakers were right next to you. It was a horrible place to be having this conversation, but you couldnāt wait.Ā
What was he holding back?
Youād always felt the safest around Hyunjin, but every breath between you right now was uncertain. He was fidgeting, sliding the silver ring off and on his finger.
āI was on my way back to you whenāā Hyunjin paused, and the veins in his neck were prominent as he strained to be heard over the movie, āāwhen Felix found me. He wanted to talkā
āIs Jisung okay?ā You blurted, the first thing that came to your mind. He was nervous as hell, and that freaked you out.
Hyunjinās eyes widened, āNo, heās okayā
āLook. Y/Nāā Felix started, stepping ahead.
āCan I please just talk to Y/Nā¦alone?ā Hyunjin interrupted, turning to your friends. His frustration was new to you.
āOf course. Now you wanna talk to herā Felix scoffed, and your gaze drifted to him. You felt so out of the loop and everything was far too dramatic.
A laugh escaped you at the absurdity of this situation, āWhat is going on? You guys are acting like the worldās fucking ending or somethingā
āIām sure itās not that seriousā Yuqi piped in, as a way to comfort you, and Felix glanced at her in disdain.
Hyunjin seemed to be physically struggling between appeasing you and Felix, but he focused his gaze on you.
āItās notā He reaffirmed, pausing to breathe, āObviously. Itās notā¦ that seriousā
āYou sure?ā Felix mumbled, taunting the situation, and youād never known Felix to be the one to poke a bear with a stick.Ā
His presence only added to your confusion and annoyance.Ā
What was he doing here?Ā
Hadnāt he just told you he couldnāt be friends with you anymore? Or whatever the hell he was going to say before you were interrupted?
You glanced at him, and the anger from your previous unresolved conversation surged back, āLix. Can you just give us a moment alone, please?ā
His eyes locked with yours in silent agreement, āYeah. Sure. Whatever you want, Y/Nā
āYeonjunās gonna be worried as hell about usā Yuqi spoke in a harsh whisper, grabbing him lightly by the forearm to lead him away, and even though you were embarrassed to have an audience, you were glad she was here.
Youād dragged everyone to the drive-in theatre tonight for the Jaws screening because it had seemed, at the moment, like a good idea. It was supposed to be one of the things on your bucket list. The list Hyunjin and you had made together.
A list of things to make you fall in love with your little town again, and you were only doing all of this because Hyunjin insisted. A silly excuse to be by his side, but it had worked. Youād seen the film they were playing tonight a dozen times, so yeah, you were only doing this so you could spend more time with him.Ā
Right now though, it didnāt seem like the greatest idea, and more like the culmination of a really bad plan.Ā
A confrontation you didnāt want.Ā
Knowing Hyunjin, he hated confrontations too.Ā
So, there must be a really fucking good reason why he was arguing with your best friend just now.
Felix mumbled something as they walked away, too quiet for you to catch amongst the sounds of the film.Ā
A cold breeze picked up.
The blinking yellow sign above you was malfunctioning, a buzzing sound escaping it, distracting you momentarily until Hyunjinās face came into focus again.
He was so apprehensive, a concerned frown on his face. Guilty was not a good look on him.
You swallowed your anxieties, raising your voice louder, āCan you just please tell me whatās going on? Youāre kind of freaking me out hereā
āNothing is going on like that, I promise. Itās justā¦Yongbok found something out and freaked out about it. He was upset at me butāā
āWhat did he find out?ā You were impatient.
Hyunjin squeezed his eyes shut, and sighed, āHe saw me earlierā¦at the stationā
It took you a second to put two and two together.
āThe train stationā¦? What were you doing there?ā
His eyes darted around the driveway, realising that this was probably the worst place to be having any kind of conversation. The noise of the horror film had drowned the two of you out.
āCan we go somewhere else? Where itās quieter, please?āĀ
You didnāt think you had the patience. Your stomach turned every second that he didnāt tell you what was wrong.Ā
āPlease?ā He asked again, āIāll tell you everything. I just want to get away from hereā
What was so complex that he couldnāt just say it now?
It felt like a break-up except you and him werenāt even fucking dating.
Your gaze flickered over his face, frown lines on his forehead that didnāt suit him, and it was only now that you noticed the bags under his eyes. He hadnāt slept last night. He was too young to be so worried.
āYeah, of courseā
There was relief on his face at your agreement, shoulders relaxing, and he looked around.
The theater was in the middle of fucking nowhere.
Where would you even go?
Worry returned to his face, and you sighed, āThereās a loading dock, like a few minutes from here. Itāll be quieter thereā
He nodded, following closely behind you as you led the way.Ā
You focused on the sound of your footsteps in the dirt to not completely freak out.
āIs everything with Chan fine?ā You ended up asking.
āYeah, heās fine tooā He fell quiet again, āIām sorry youāre missing the movie because of meā
The noises got muffled as you moved further away.
āI really donāt careā You told him, āIāve seen it beforeā
āOh, okayā
You stopped at a chain-link fence, leading to a loading dock for various trucks and vans. It was dead right now, but it'd be brimming with life in the early hours of the day.Ā
āThis is quiet enoughā
This was also as far as your patience could go.
Hyunjin nodded, leaning his weight against the fence, running a hand through his hair, āI guessā
Another round of screams from the audience echoed through the area, and you shrugged, āGuess notā
He didnāt seem amused though, āTheyāre so loudā
āIt is the best part of the movieā You told him, āThey finally defeat the sharkā
Hyunjin nodded, as if heād forgotten what the movie Jaws was even about, āRightā
He looked like a wounded animal, afraid youād get mad at him, but you didnāt even understand what you should be mad about.Ā
His hand peeked out from under his button-up sleeve. You reached forward, not thinking before slipping your fingers between his.
The gesture surprised him, and he glanced up at you with big eyes. He squeezed your hand, finding comfort in it.
āI was buying a ticket backā
You frowned, asking a question you already knew the answer to, āBack to?ā
His breaths were shallow, in uneven intervals and his shoulders rose and fell with each anxious inhale and exhale.Ā
āSeoulā He clarified, biting his bottom lip.Ā
āOh. Isnātā¦it too early?āĀ
His gaze fell, eyes avoiding yours, āI was trying to tell you earlier, but I didnāt get the chanceā
āTell me nowā You tilt his head up, fingers under his chin so he could look right at you.
He took in another deep breath, eyes staring into yours, āIā¦have to leave, Y/N. I have to move back to the cityā
The words didnāt shock you.
Thatās it?
You knew he had to leave.Ā
A weight lift off your chest at the familiarity of his confession, and you could breathe again, āYeah. Iā¦know that, Hyunjinā
His eyes widened, āYou do?ā
Your fingers settled on his jaw, to calm him, āI mean, I know that you canāt stay here forever. You were only here for the summer anywayā
Relief swirled his eyes at your calmness, āUmā¦yeahā
It felt anticlimactic. This was why he was so nervous, why Felix was so mad, why they were fighting?
You two stood so close, hand-in-hand, and this didnāt even seem like a big deal. Hyunjin wasnāt going to be holed up in this small town forever. Everybody knew it would always be temporary, so what was the drama for?
A breeze blew Hyunjinās hair in his face, and you tucked the chestnut strands behind his ear, āWould you have to start packing soon?ā
With that question, Hyunjinās eyebrows furrowed again, āI already packed, Y/Nā
āAlready?ā You laughed, there was a whole month left but he was already preparing, āYou shouldāve told meā¦I couldāve helped you.ā
He frowned, and suddenly your name on his lips felt bitter, āY/Nā¦āĀ
Like it took effort to say, and like it broke his heart.
It felt like an apology, but you didnāt know what for.
You squeezed his hand, to let him know he had nothing to be sorry for, āTell meā¦ā
āNo, you donāt understand. Iām ā Iām not staying for the rest of the summer anymoreā
Your heart squeezed, and suddenly you realised why he was so anxious.Ā
You needed confirmation, āYouāre not?ā
āI need to leaveā He let out a breath, āTonight.ā
The words hit you like a punch to your gut.
Hyunjin explained further, to make sure you understood, but your head was already spinning, āMy train leaves for Seoulā¦ in a few hoursāĀ
Your grip on his hand dropped, and you stopped touching him.
He stared at you for what felt like forever, eyes flickering between yours, āIām sorryā
Heās sorry?
You had trouble speaking the words, āWhat? Tonight?ā
His eyes were wide at your reaction, and at your tone. He thought you didnāt believe him.
And you didnāt.
Tonight was so soon, and in a few hours was fucking insane.
As you processed his words, the silence stretched for seconds, excruciatingly long.
He felt a stupid need to fill in the void, āMy managerās coming to pick me up. He doesnāt want me to make the journey back alone. Heās worried about a crowd at the station, in case the information leakedāā
Hyunjin kept talking, and explaining, but youād stopped listening.
What the fuck was he even saying?
All of these technicalities.
You couldnāt even still process what heād told you.
Yeah, you knew he had to leave but you didnāt think itād be tonight.Ā
You didnāt think itād be right now.
You werenāt prepared.
Each word he spoke was a lightning bolt to your heart, ripping chasms open in the perfect day youād just had.Ā
It couldnāt be. You had so much planned with him. You hadnāt even gotten to the good part yet.
The sky lit up in bright white, blinding you.
You hadnāt even told him that you loved him...
The wind picked up, dust blowing into your eyes but you didnāt care. The lightning wasnāt just within you. There was a storm coming.
Hyunjin glanced up at the sky; dark clouds suddenly looming over you, but that was the least of your worries.Ā
āWe should get insideā He realised, reaching for your hand, but you stepped away from him, pulling your hand out of reach.
His eyes were wide at the rejection.
āIām sorry. You said that youāre leaving in a few hours?ā You asked again, hoping this was just a horrible fucking joke, and you heard him wrong.
But he fucking nodded, not saying anything.Ā
Your stomach was beginning to hurt, a shooting pain through your body, and you felt dizzy.
Bile rose up to your throat at the suddenness of everything, āI donāt understand. You said you didnāt have to go back, not until the end of summer andāā
āI knowā He interrupted, āI know thatās what I said, but things changed. The company needs me back, I donāt have much of a choiceā
āBut what about Kkamiā¦and about the art classes?ā Stupid questions, when all you wanted to ask was something else.Ā
āI canceled the classes yesterday, and Minho said heāll look after Kkami until my aunt comes back to townā
Of course.
āOhā
Of course heād figured everything out. A man as precise as Hyunjin, of course heād already solved for all the problems you couldnāt even foresee.
But what about you?
Your gaze fell from his, heart falling deep into your gut and maybe that explained the pain in you. You didnāt even know what to say. It was so much information, to process all at once, and pathetically, you mumbled, āI thought Iād have more time with youā
āI know, Y/N. I...thought so tooā His voice was too soft, too calm, āBut Iām sorry that we donātā
Was he not affected by this? Why was he so calm?
In a few hours, he would be more than a hundred miles away from you.
That wasnāt okay.
But he seemed perfectly fine right now.
How long had he known this?
āIām sorry I couldnāt tell you beforeā He swallowed, and stepped closer. His hands glided up your arms, coming to rest at your shoulders. He squeezed the skin there, and maybe he thought it was comforting, but it just felt suffocating.
Your chest was pounding so hard you could hear your heartbeat in your ears.
You were still confused, so many questions in your head, āBut that doesnāt explain why Felix was fighting with youā
Hyunjin sighed, āHeā¦he thought that I wasnāt going to tell youā
There it was.
Your eyes narrowed, darting up to his, a new fear sinking into you, something you hadnāt even considered, āWait. Were you not?ā
His eyes widened, but his voice gave him away, āNo. I was going toāā
You took another step back, and he dropped his hands from you.
āYou werenāt even going to say goodbye, Hyunjin?ā
He hesitated before speaking, āI wasā
āWhen?ā
āWhat?ā
āWhen were you going to tell me? If youāve already bought a ticket. Youāve already cancelled the classes. Youāveā¦packed everything. Youāve already given Kkami away. So, whenā¦were you going to tell me?ā
He squeezed his eyes shut.
And it was enough.
āYouāre fucking kidding meā
āLet me explain, please--ā
Another flash lit up the sky.
Thunder ripped through the atmosphere, and the sound startled you both, making you look up.
It wasnāt raining, not yet, but it would soon.
Immediately, you heard scrambling over at the drive-in theatre. All of the people would be exposed to the rain, and now theyād have to pack it up, and leave.
How fitting for a storm to pass through right fucking now.
You looked back at him, because this wasnāt like him.
The Hyunjin youād come to knowā¦would never blindside you like this.
You stepped further away, your sneakers tripping over the dirt and Hyunjin reached out to steady you, but you ripped your arm back, āYou were just going to leaveā
āI tried telling you yesterday, in the forest! You were the first person I was going to tellā Hyunjin exclaimed, eyes wide in what you could only recognise as despair.
In the forest, when youād taken him to see the fireflies. Hyunjin had said he wanted to tell you something. He was trying to tell you this?
Sourness developed in your mouth, āWhat? Yesterday?ā
āBut you stopped me. You kissed me, and you said you didnāt want to knowā
Your sadness was suddenly replaced by embarrassment, and bitterness.
āSoā¦itās my fault?ā
āWhat? Of course not. Thatās not what Iām sayingā
Your emotions were toppling over, and you couldnāt manoeuvre them anymore.
You felt a surge of hopelessness, because he didnāt understand how important this was to you.
How important he was.
āIf it was so important, you should have told me anyway! I obviously would have understood, and stopped kissing you. Iām not that dense, or ā¦needyā
Hyunjinās eyes were wide, like he couldnāt believe you.
āI know that youāre not. Of course, youāre notā He repeated, stepping towards you, āI knew how upset it would make you, and Iām so fucking sorry. I didnāt want to ruin the time we had leftā
There was no justifiable reason for you to be this sad. He was only going to be a few hours away from here, but youād dreaded the day heād leave ever since you met him.
His life in the city was a whirlwind, and he didnāt have time for anything.
How would you ever stay in his life, or keep him in yours?
Your voice was shaky, āIām not upset at you, Hyunjinā
āReally? Because it looks like you hate me right nowā He laughed.
You sighed, looking him in the eye, āOf course notā
āI just donāt understand why Iām the last to know. You said that your manager is coming to pick you upā¦and youāre worried the information would leak. So does everybody know youāre coming back or something?ā
He nodded slightly, as if his answer would hurt you, āThe media knows. Thereās going to be a crowd at the station, in the city when I get backā
So if you waited a few more hoursā¦the morning papers would have told you anyway.
The thought almost made you want to laugh, or cry.
āWe were having such a good time, at the Creek, andā¦I didnāt want to kill the mood, obviously I was right, because youāre so upset right nowā
āRight. Iām sorry for being upset that youāre leaving Hyunjinā
He pulled you towards him, āStop, please. This isā¦not how I wanted tonight to goā
āThen how did you want it to go?ā
āI wanted toā¦stay up with you, and talk to you, and listen to you...until I canā
It sounded tempting. Youād do anything to have that.
But he was leaving tonight.
āDo you know when youāll come back?ā
āWhat?ā
āTo Daejon. Do you know when youāll come back?ā
He hesitated, āI donāt know. A couple of years, maybe thenā¦ā
āSo after tonightā¦you have no idea when weāll see each other again?ā
āYeah, butā¦you can visit me in Seoul, right?ā He asked, a hopeful lilt to his tone.
Your head was still spinning, āWere you going to stay in touch with me?ā
āYeah. I was going to give you my new numberāā
āYour new number?ā You were confused.
āI have to change itā¦every few months. For safetyā
Another lightning flash lit up his face, and then the first drops of rain followed. They wet your hair, dripping down your face, masquerading as tears.
āYeonjun would be wondering where I amā
āWhat?ā Hyunjin asked, but you needed to fixate on something else or youād go insane.
āI have to tell himā You mumbled, more to yourself, reaching for your phone in your back pocket, but youād left it back in the truck. A frustrated groan escaped you.
āI can tell himā Hyunjin spoke, immediately, pulling his phone out to text him. You watched as he did so. The bright phone lit up his face, as he typed in a text, but from here, you could see his fingers trembling.
The vendors were rushing to close all the food shops before the rain came in. The sound of people scrambling with their blankets and snacks to get inside. Car doors being shut, and engines being started.
āPlease just let me explain, so you can understand whatās going on in my headā
You needed to calm down. This was always going to happen, and you shouldnāt be surprised. You shouldnāt be heartbroken and so fucking weak.Ā
You nodded, āGo aheadā
He grabbed your hand in urgency but you didnāt stop him, āI knew how upset it would make you, and Iām so fucking sorry. I knew the moment that I told you, it would be real, and is it crazy if I wanted the summer to last longer? I was being selfish and I wasnāt thinkingā
You took a deep breath, his words calming you down by the second, āItās not selfish. I..Iām sorry. I just thought you were hiding it from me, andā¦I got upset. How long have you known?ā
āBarely two daysā He admitted, and then, āThatās kind of why I was rushing through your listā
A laugh escaped you, at the lost innocence of that sentence, āWhat? My list is notā¦ important, Hyunjinā
He frowned, āIt was to meā¦ā
The cold water draped over your forehead, dripping down your eyes, tracing your nose, falling into your mouth. You should be sane, and walk out of this storm before you both fell sick. Hyunjin was just watching you, and you think his heart was broken too. For a reason different to yours.
āA few hoursā¦ā You realised, and you were already losing time.
He squeezed your hand, āIf you would let me, Iād like to spend them with youā
The rain intensified, transforming into a downpour, drowning out the last of his sentence. Everybody must have left the drive-in theater by now and that meant it was just you and him in the middle of this summer storm.
You felt like a broken record, āI wish I knewā
āWhy?ā He bent down to your height, voice softening, āItā¦wouldnāt have changed anythingā
You took in a deep breath. He was right.
It wouldnāt have changed anything.
His eyes were exploring yours, apologetic, and you could understand what went on in his head. If you could spare Hyunjin the pain of something sad, you would have done the same.
He was getting drenched in the storm, and youād feel guilty if he fell sick because of you, āAre you okay?ā He asked you.
You suddenly felt numb.Ā
Why shouldnāt you be okay?
āIāll only be a few hours away from youā He reassured you, and then chuckled softly, āItās not like Iām moving to another countryā
A loud honk pulled you out of the conversation.
Yuqiās truck was to the side, parked on the dirt road, and Yeonjun was poking his head out of the window, āWhat the hell are you two still doing out there?ā
You looked back at Hyunjin, swallowing, āWe should goā
āCome onā He spoke, guiding you towards the car with his hand on your back. You rushed inside, arms around yourself to be warm. He went around the back, getting in through the other side, and he was completely soaked, hair dripping, āSorry for getting your seats wet, Yuqiā
She told him it was fine, and Yeonjun turned round to ask, āAm I taking you straight home then, Y/N?ā
Yuqi gave you a sympathetic look in the rearview mirror. Felix must have told her what the argument had been about.
You glanced at Hyunjin. He thought you were angry at him. Well, you were a bit. But never enough to ignore him like this. This was his last night here. Everything felt so sudden, and rushed, and you werenāt sure youād even understood it, but you had be mature about this.
āNo, Iāmā¦not going homeā You told Yeonjun.
Hyunjin raised his eyebrows, as if to ask if you were sure.
He was crazy if he thought youād let him go without even saying goodbye.
āCan I come to your place?ā
He nodded, in a single breath answering, āOf courseā
Every second spent arguing over this was one less second with him. Yeonjun drove away from the loading dock, and time was slipping away and you glanced at Hyunjin. He was looking out at the town as it passed by, and he looked so fucking lostā¦or nostalgic.
Daejon passed by in a blur, as you drove to his house.
It would be selfish of you to think you were the only one affected by this. He was the one who would have to go back the life heād left behind.
You drove past Aeraās, and Hyunjinās gaze lingered on it, long after youād already passed it. The car ride was quiet, other than the music Yuqi was playing, but youād tuned it out.
Hyunjinās eyebrows were furrowed as he watched the blur of trees and homes and places youād come to spend all of your time in this summer. It was like he was trying to take everything in but Yeonjun drove faster than his memories could catch up.
His hand was on his thigh, fingers trembling still, and you donāt know if it was from the cold or if he was scared.Ā
Your heart squeezed in your chest.Ā
You reached over without thinking, hand settling over his, and immediately, he was calm.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
Hyunjinās room was ripped bare.Ā
The art had been taken off the walls, the paint canisters had been stashed out of sight, the mattress was naked of the blue sheets and comforter youād grown to love.
Cardboard boxes lay under his window, taped up and sealed shut.
His art wasnāt decorating the room anymore, instead it lay packed under layers of bubble wrap and paper.
It was strange, because youād only been here a few times, enough to count on one hand, but it felt like a loss. Empty rooms always made you sad. It signified the end of something.
Yeonjunās room had stayed empty, and even when he visited home, heād live out of his suitcase. After all, nobody took the time to hang back picture frames on the walls.Ā
Your gut tinged with sadness.
Hyunjin stood at the other side of the room, arms crossed, emanating a calm silence.
Your eyes met his, a strange resignation within them. You hugged yourself, arms coming round your body in a comforting embrace.Ā
The room was far too barren for your liking, but compared to outside, at least it was warm here.
With difficulty you found the words, āHow does it feel? To see your room like this?ā
He cleared his throat, and his hair was still wet, chestnut strands sticking to his skin, āHonestly?ā
āYeahā
āI donāt feel anythingā
Maybe that was the saddest answer you could hear.Ā
Your indignant look made him clarify further.
His Adamās apple bobbed before he spoke, āIā¦I know thatās weird. I thought Iād be sad, but I donāt really feel anythingā Ā
āI get thatā You nodded, leaning against the wall, movements mirroring his.Ā
āYou do?ā He tilt his head, fiddling with the pendant around his neck.
You did get him, but you canāt seem to elaborate.
After all, youāve never had to deal with anything of this nature.Ā
Youāve lived in the same place your whole life. The same room. The same bed. The same view from your window every morning and night.
How could you know what goodbyes felt like?
āI thought Iād be sadderā He continues upon your silence, āI just donāt feel much of anything, and that makes meā¦feel sad. Shouldnāt I be just a little upset?ā
āMaybe you havenāt processed it yet?ā You offered.
He shook his head, frown lines on his forehead, āItās not thatā
You couldnāt comprehend what he felt, and all you could do was guess, āMaybe itās too soonāĀ
His eyebrows shot up, as if he realised something utterly significant about himself. Yet he didnāt share it with you. He slipped his hands deeper into his pockets, adjusting his posture against the wall.
A black suitcase stood between you, and you wonder what heād put in it. What was he taking with him? It was strange to imagine that his entire summer here had fit into just those four cardboard boxes. There must have been things he discarded, or gave away.
What did he leave behind?
āSoā¦how will you take all this stuff back?ā You asked, gesturing over to the boxes.
āIām not. Iām just taking my luggage with meā He explained, āI just packed everything else so itād be easier for my aunt to take care of the house when Iām goneā
When heās gone.
āThatās thoughtful of youā You smiled, gazing at the other boxes pushed under his bed, āWhat about your art supplies? Are you taking them too?ā
He shook his head, chuckling nervously, āNo, I had no space in my bagā
Your eyebrows shot up, āHow are you going to paint when youāre in the city then?ā
āI doubt Iāll have time at firstā He admit.
Your heart clenched. Another loss.
āButā¦when I do, Iāll just get new suppliesā He continued, so simply.
Your eyes narrowed, āHwang Hyunjinā¦ do you have any idea how expensive art supplies are?ā
A hint of a smile appeared on his face, āI know, but I have no choice. Thereās an art shop in Hongdae. Iāve passed it a hundred times. I think Iāll finally visit itā
āYouāre going to forget all about Aeraās thenā You frowned.
He hummed, smiling at you, āI could neverā
You smiled, and a comfortable silence fell upon you.
He moved across his room to sit against the desk, āI am kind of sad about putting away all my art though. Theyāre just going to collect dust foreverā
āMaybe you can put them back up when you come backā You suggested.
He nodded, āRight. When Iām back.ā
He traced a hand against his empty desk. Just a few days ago, it was full of clutter, flower vases, and pretty candles, and pencils of different sizes. The first night heād come to Aeraās heād bought a little canvas and a single pencil from you.
That was so long ago, and you smiled to yourself at the memory.
āYouāre really not going to miss home, and your room?āĀ
āI have something of yoursā He interrupted, ignoring your questions entirely.
āOhā¦okayā Is all you can seem to muster.
He pulled open the drawers, and you move towards him. Heād cleared out everything from within them too. Including all his paint supplies, his knick-knacks, the hair tiesā¦ and that box of condoms you saw onceā¦
Was he leaving that behind?
Or had he packed that too?
Maybe itād be useful to him in the city.
The thought made you choke up, and you turned away, giving him space to look for whatever he was looking for.Ā
He finally pulled open the last drawer, and spoke, āI found it when cleaning, and uh, I donāt know how but I forgot to return it,ā
You stepped forward to take a glimpse, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with him.
āMy sketchbook!ā You realised, recognising the torn-up leather cover.Ā
Pulling it out, you flipped it open, seeing the sketches you made on countless train journeys, āHonestlyā¦I didnāt even know you have thisā
Hyunjin laughed, and your gaze darted to his.
It was the first heād laughed like this since heād told you he was leaving.
āI promise I didnāt steal it or anythingā He admitted, āYou never took it back after Felixās birthdayā
āThat was ages ago. I guess I have far too many sketchbooks to keep countā You hummed, flipping further through the book, seeing the drawings Hyunjin had filled it with on the journey, when youād given it to him. You felt him move closer to you, body stopping right behind yours.
You traced your fingers against the ink, trying not to get distracted by his breathing on your neck, āThe beach cabin. You drew itā
Hyunjin nodded, looking over your shoulder at the picture, āI did. That wasā¦a good nightā
You craned your neck to look at him, a laugh escaping, āReally? I felt kind of bad for dragging you along for that whole trip. Ended up being pretty shittyā
He smiled, eyes flickering over you, āNot all of itā
You flipped to another page, but Hyunjinās hand reached out to stop you. You looked at him questioningly.
āUhā¦you can go through that later. We donāt have much timeā
You nodded, keeping it aside. He walked over, sitting on the mattress, and stared out through the window. It was still raining fiercely, a thunderstorm raging outside.
Ā āIf it wasnāt raining, we could have gone stargazingā He realised.
The disappointed in his tone pulled at your heartstrings, āMaybe itāll pass soonā
He shook his head, āNo, I checked ā Itās going to be cloudy till noon tomorrow. Iāll already be gone by thenā
āOhā
It was hard to put his words into comprehension.Ā
He was really going to be gone.Ā
Youād gotten so used to seeing him all the time, everywhere. He would show up at your job, and he would go around town with you, and a part of you felt like heād always be here to do that.
After a while, he sighed, āI guess I was looking forward to doing something cool with youā¦before I have to leaveā
You stared at the rain, the droplets trailing down his windowsill, racing to the bottom, āThis could be nice too. It hasnāt rained like this in monthsā
He nodded in silent agreement, and you watched the downpour, quietly, stealing glances at him. There was a sense of awkwardness and emptiness in the air.Ā
He wasnāt being honest with you about everything, but you didnāt want to push. It felt like he was holding back yet again, and you wish heād just tell you everything on his mind.
Flashes of lightning lit up his face every few minutes, and he looked out at the dark garden like it held all the answers to life, and the universe.Ā
āHyunjinā¦ā You spoke.
He glanced at you, and his eyes looked sad.Ā
You were counting down the fleeting moments left with him. Was he too?
It broke your heart. Why was he so quiet when you only had a few hours together?
You couldnāt push him, but each second mattered.
So you walked over to him, kneeling on the floor so you could look at him, āWhatās wrong?ā
His eyes darted between yours, lips parted, as he thought over your question.
āI donāt knowā His voice quivered.
You placed a hand on his leg, to ground him, āYou wanted me to come overā
He swallowed, āI didā
āWhy?ā
āI donāt want to be alone right nowā
āYouāre notā You assured him, patting lightly on his knee, āWhat are you thinking about?ā
āShouldnāt I feel sad?ā He asked, āSomething has to be wrong with meā
āWhat do you mean?ā You frowned.
āYou asked me earlier if I will miss Daejon, but I only feel numb. I cried when I left Seoul, but why do I feel nothing leaving here?ā
His words were heavy, and you donāt know if you were qualified to answer him, because you were too emotionally invested in this, and in him.
āMaybe you havenāt processed it yetā
He looked back at the garden, fence, and skies, āYeah, I canāt believe Iām going to be back in the city tomorrow. It feels like a world apart, and I canāt really grasp leaving thisā
āI mean, it is a world apart, Hyunjinā
He looked at you, āI feel like I never got the chance to settle here. Itās been so temporary. I always knew I was only here for a little while, and I canāt get myself to feel sadā
āItās not likeā¦ an obligation, Hyun. I canāt imagine how it feels like to live two places. If you donāt feel a certain way, you canāt force itā
He nodded, quietly staring ahead at his garden.
He was stuck between two places, and two lives. Heād always told you about that.Ā
Even though he wasnāt sad, he didnāt seem happy either, so you said, āWhat are you looking forward to the most when you get back?ā
āMeeting the guysā He responded, in a heartbeat, and then smiled at his own eagerness, āIām also excited to just be able to do my job againā
āYeah?ā You asked, taking a seat next to him so you could be level with him, āDo you already have your schedule for the next few weeks?ā
He nodded, āMmh. Itās kind of crazy, but itāll be nice to be that busy againā
You shifted closer to him, as did he, with the pouring rain in backdrop. It was isolating, but comforting, āWhat else?ā
āHmm?ā
āWhat else are you excited about?ā
Hyunjinās lips pulled up into a smile, āTo step into the dance studio. Man, Iāve missed that more than anythingā
You smiled, āYeah?ā
āWhen I was a trainee, I basically slept there.ā He hummed, and despite the obvious hardships he hinted at, his memory came from a place of fondness and comfort.
His eyes crinkled as he remembered something else, āItās funny. It happened so often. Our manager installed a small bench there, so I could pass out on it, instead of killing my back on the hardwood floorā
āWow. Thatās so nice of himā You smiled, watching his eyes lit up talking about his home.
āI also canāt wait to get back to the recording studio. Chan told me details about the next album. Apparently, he, uh, wants me to have a couple of my own songs on itā
Your eyes widened, āWait, what do you mean?ā
As far as you knew, all of their songs were written by his team members.
āUmā He laughed nervously, crossing his legs, āLike songs I write just by myself, and produceā
āI didnāt know you write songsā You admitted, feeling stupid. Sadness settled in your stomach, as you realised there was so much you still didnāt know much about Hyunjin.Ā
There was so much you wanted to know, to discover about him.Ā
Hyunjin laughed, āI try to, I havenāt released my own yet. The guys usually take care of that, so this will be a firstā¦I donāt even know what Iāll write aboutā
āButā¦have you written songs before?ā
He nodded, āI used to write a lot on tour, but I never really felt confident enough to release themā
Curiosity flooded you, āWhat kind of things do you write about?ā
He laughed, āYouāll be disappointed, itās kind of cheesyā¦and mainstreamā
āI donāt careā
He smiled, āYouāll be the first to hear if I finishā
āAre you excited to see Chan?ā
He laughed, āInsanely. Jisung and Binnie too. I canāt believe I went so long without them. Hopefully they havenāt burnt the dorm downā
He grimaced at the thought, and then laughed, āAnd Jisungā¦man, I think Iāll squeeze the life out of him when I see him, and not let go. Heās been through far too much in my absenceā
āThey must be missing you a lotā You spoke, watching his fond smile.Ā
You would miss so many moments in his life.Ā
Crucial moments that would redefine him as a person.
You would miss the excitement in his eyes when he reunited with the boys again. Youād miss the work he would put into the self-composed songs, and the satisfaction of his smile when he finished.
So many little and bigger moments of happiness, the kind of things that make a person.Ā
The next time you saw him, heād probably be so different from who he was now.Ā
You would both have changed as people, grown apart from each other.
But he was smiling at everything he had to look forward to, and thatās all you wanted in the moment. For him to feel happy.
āWe still have a few hours left. Itās your last night. Is there anything in particular you wanted to do?ā
Hyunjin tilt his head, āI didnāt really plan for anythingā¦ I was just hoping youād spend it with meā
He already seemed so much more relaxed, and you were glad.Ā
āDo you need help cleaning anything or packing up?ā
He shook his head, āI think everythingās done butā¦we could have drinks together, if you want?ā
His last night in town should be memorable.
āThat sounds perfectā You smiled, getting off the bed, as you followed Hyunjin back to the kitchen.Ā
He had changed from his storm-drenched clothes into simple sweatpants, and they fit him well, sitting comfortably on his hips. The hoodie was also simple, and it looked soft enough to touch, like it was made from the finest wool in the country.
āWhat do you usually like to have, Y/N?ā Hyunjin reached up to the cabinets at the very top, his height allowing him to do so with ease, āI know that you liked the rosĆ© when we went to the paint event, and I know that you absolutely hate beerā
You laughed at the memory, jumping up to sit comfortably on the kitchen counter. Hyunjin glanced at you briefly, smiling to himself at the position, and how youād made yourself at home.
You thought about it, but you werenāt a big cocktail drinker, so you hummed, āIāll have anything youāll haveā
āYouāre easily influencedā He laughed, āWhat if you hate my taste?ā
You smiled at him, swinging your legs gently against the counter, āI trust youā
He made a face, āNow I have to live up to your unrealistically high expectations of me. Isnāt that too much pressure for my last night?ā
You threw your hands up in defense, āYouāre the one who suggested we have drinks, Hyunā
He smiled, peering at the alcohol he had in his cabinet. There wasnāt too much, since he rarely lived here, and you donāt suppose his aunt was a big drinker.
āHave you ever tried a Dolce Vita?ā He asked you, the drink's name slipping from his lips so smoothly, and you guessed it was Italian from his pronunciation, but Hyunjin made it sound so expensive.
āCanāt say that I haveāĀ
He stepped towards you, body touching your legs, but still not close enough, āI think itās your kind of a drinkā
āWhat makes you say that?ā You tilt your head.
He thought over his words, mulling them in his head, āItāsā¦classy. Itās elegant, and itāsā¦romanticā
You stilled, watching him describe it.
Ā āItās pink, andā¦it has dark chocolate on topā He continued, and then smiled to himself, āIt fits you really wellā
You smiled, heat flushing to your chest, and cheeks, āWhatās the catch?ā
āI donāt have all the ingredientsā He spoke, a soft pout on his lips, āBut I can make you another drink, that you might likeā
āWhen did you even learn all these recipes? I didnāt know youāre a connoisseurā
He laughed, stepping back towards the cabinet to check the ingredients, āIām not, but Chan taught me a few. He and Kairiā¦make their own cocktails a lotā
āI hope I can meet them one dayā You spoke.
Hyunjin glanced at you over his shoulder, āYouād love Kairi. Sheāsā¦so much like youā
You thought, still swaying your legs, āDoes that mean Chan would love me too?ā
He chuckled, and his shoulders shook from the action, āHe kind of already doesā
It was still pouring outside, and you looked at the droplets cascading down the kitchen window. It was kind of nice to be trapped in this house with him. It was a big place too, and it was empty, and just the two of you. It was like you were two kids playing house.Ā
Hyunjin was fiddling with different liqueurs, and you could hear the clinking of glasses, and spoons as he moved things around on the counter. You would help him if you could, but you had no experience in mixology and he had it handled. It was calming, to listen to the thunder, and just sit here.
āWhat are you making now, Hyun?ā You asked, fiddling with the cuts in your jeans.
āItās called the Queen of Heartsā
You laughed, āI have never heard of these names. Are they just for rich peopleā¦or something?ā
He tsked, shaking his head āIām not that rich, Y/Nā
āStatistically speaking, youāreā¦like in one of the biggest bands in our countryāĀ
He smiled softly at you again, āHow do you know that? Did you read about me online?ā
āMaybe I didā You flushed, āSometimes you show up on my Instagram. Your fans are very loyal, you know?ā
He laughed, turning around to look at you, and you could see he was shaking a liquid in a glass, āI sure hope you donāt believe everything you see about me though. Thereās a lot of false news out thereā
āSo, what, you havenāt dated like every female pop star in the country?ā You teased him, exaggerating.
He rolled his eyes, turning back to the counter, to put the glass down, āDid someone actually say that I did?ā
āOf course notā You smiled, āThat wouldnāt be a believable rumourā
āYouād be surprised what people believeā He laughed, and then paused to say, āIāve only ever dated oneā
Your eyebrows shot up, āA pop star?ā
āYeahā
You looked at him, and you were so curious suddenly, albeit a lot of it stemmed from envy. Whoever had the honor of dating Hyunjinā¦did they know how lucky they were?
Was in he love with her?
Was she?
You imagined it in your head ā the dates he would go on, and the kind of romantic things he would say. He was already such a nice person to you, and you two were just friends. What would he be likeā¦with the girl that he loves?
A pit of jealousy settled in your stomach, so deep, that it ached.
āSo, um, I added less liquor to yours just so you can taste it. If you like it, I can give you some moreā He spoke, turning to delicately hand you the wine glass. The drink was the color of champagne.Ā
You peered at the drink, āWhatās in it?ā
He tilt his head, thinking, āItās a bit of gin, wine, andā¦some lemon juice. For the sweet flavour, I added a syrup to it. Itās dahliaā¦I think youāll love thatā
You stared at him as he explained it, āYouāre kidding meā
You reached for the glass, but he immediately pulled it back before you could.
āWait! I forgot somethingā
āWhat?ā You laughed, āWhat else could possibly be missing? The tears of angels?ā
He rolled his eyes, āHa-haā
You tried to grab it, āJust give it to me. Iām sure itās fineā
He shook his head, pulling the drink away from your hold, āNo, this is the last drink Iām making you. It has to be perfectā
āItās also the first drink youāve made meā You pointed out.
He laughed, holding up a finger, āGive me just one minute. Iāll be backā
He placed the glass back on the countertop, and slipped his shoes on.
āWait, what?ā
āI have to run to the garden for somethingā He told you over his shoulder.
āBut thereās a storm outā You exclaimed, dumbly.
He pulled the hood up, looking back at you as he zipped it up fully, āIāll be fineā
āHyunjin, donāt goā You laughed, āIām sure the drink is fine without itā
He shook his head, and he was already halfway out the door. As soon as he pushed open the wooden door, a gust of wind blew in, bringing with it tiny leaves and some rain. The thunder was so much louder now that the door was open, and Hyunjin ran out, shoes put on halfway, and it was so silly that he was doing all this for just a drink.
You waited with bated breath, but you couldnāt see out into the garden from here, so you had no idea what he was up to.
Minutes passed, and you waited in his kitchen, sat on the countertop.
āHoly shit. Itās fucking pouring!ā He yelled, running back inside, and he was completely wet, from head to toe. He slipped off his shoes at the back entrance, walking to you barefoot.
āOh my godā You mumbled, watching the water drip off him, āI told you it was a bad ideaā
His fist was closed around something, and you wonder what he got from the garden.
He grabbed your wine glass, and dropped something in it, āYouāll change your mind after you try thisā
He then smiled proudly, handing it to you.
Your eyes widened, as you peered into the glass.Ā
A pretty flower floated on top of the gin, its pink petals wet from the liquid, giving the entire drink an illusion of a pastel paint.
āA flower?ā You asked, giggling in disbelief.
āItās edibleā He explained, smiling still, āItās perfect for youā
āDid you get one for yourself too?ā
āMmhā He nodded, showing you his. The flower floated on the top beautifully, dissolving partially into the liquid. Your drinks looked beautiful together, ethereal and completely fitting to who Hyunjin was as a person.
āArenāt you cold?āĀ
āI amā He admitted, and then looked just a tad regretful, āBut I packed away all my spare clothesā
āMaybe you shouldāve thought this all throughā You giggled.
āTo be fair, I wasnāt thinkingā He shrugged, āItās fine. Itāll dry outā
He reached behind his neck, peeling off his grey hoodie. The white t-shirt he wore inside rose up with the simple action, revealing his stomach in a glimpse. Like a teenage girl, your heart jumped at the little display of skin. He tossed the hoodie to the side, and stepped closer to you.
His hair looked darker when wet, almost a shade of black, sticking to his face and his cheeks. He puffed, pushing it back behind his ears. You noticed his pendant, stuck in the front of his shirt as he stepped closer to you.
You werenāt thinking as you reached forward, grabbing the thin silver chain around his neck and tugged it out, so it fell against his chest instead.
Hyunjin was frozen still at the action, darting down to see what you were doing and then looking back up at you.
Your hand was still on the chain, and every part of you wanted to pull him closer by it, so you could kiss him. Right now didnāt seem like a good time for that though. He was feeling all kinds of emotions and vulnerability ā¦if he wanted to kiss you tonight, he would have.
The thought of letting Hyunjin go ā without feeling his lips again ā hurt you, but it was a reality youād accept. Youād been all over the place with him recently, never having defined what it meant, or why you kept making out without talking about it.
Maybe it was just a summer fling for him, because heād made it plenty clear you two could never be anything more.
You cleared your throat, dropping your hand, āNow, can we try the drink? Iām dying to taste itāĀ
He nodded a yes, and you held your glasses up, clinking them against each other. The sound echoed in the empty house. As you did that, he looked right into your eyes, and you felt a familiar shiver run down your spine. You lift the glass up to your lips, tasting the liquid, and Hyunjin watched you as you did so. His eyes on you made you feel a little shy, but that was soon overpowered by how good the drink tasted.Ā
It smelled, and tasted just like flowers and sweetness, and you let out a moan of satisfaction, āFuck. Thatāsā¦revolutionaryā
Hyunjin smiled, eyes crinkling, and only after that did he sip his drink. It tasted like a dark chocolate tart, and like flavourful berries grown on a farm.
āHave you ever consideredā¦becoming a mixologist instead of an idol?āĀ
He laughed, stepping close to the counter so that he lingered at your footsteps. If you opened your legs up just a bit, he could stand between your thighs but you werenāt sure it was appropriate. So, you stayed the way you were, sitting on the countertop, and Hyunjin stood as close as possible, his lower stomach grazing against your knees.
āMaybe when I retireā He joked, swirling the drink around in his glass.
āNo, but this is seriously so goodā You told him, genuinely now, āIs there anything that you canāt do?ā
āStopā His face turned red, and he looked embarrassed, āItās just a drink. I didnāt do anything elseā
āWell, nobodyās ever made me a Queen of Hearts beforeāĀ
He glanced up at you, āTheyāre missing out on a great opportunity thenā
āMmh. Iām sure nobodyās dying to do thatā
His smile fell, hand landing on your knee, āDonāt do thatā
āDo whatā¦?ā
āTalk down about yourselfā
You blinked. It really wasnāt your intention to do that. You were just being honest. Nobody you knew in your life, or in all of Daejon would ever make a drink like this for you. There wasnāt anything wrong with that, but it was just the truth.
So it was interesting that he interpreted it as such, as if your reply offended him.
āI wasnātā You clarified, āI just meantā¦thereās not a lot of guys in Daejon with skill sets like yoursā
The way you said it made you cringe, it came out sounding so professionally formal.
He looked up at you, sincere expression, āThatāsā¦a compliment Iāve never got beforeā
You broke into a laugh, and absentmindedly put your hand over his, the one that rested on your knee. His hand dwarfed yours in comparison, but you drew circles over it as you talked, āWell, I have a gift and a burning desire for pleasing others or Iāll shrivel up and dieā
Hyunjin laughed, squeezing your knee, and his hair was wet, but it was already beginning to dry up around his face.
āI like when youāre like thatā He suddenly spoke, eyes focused on his drink, not you.
You took a sip of it too, watching him, āWhen Iām like what?ā
āI donāt knowā He looked up, āConfident. Funny. Yourself. Notā¦sadā
āYou make it sound like Iām always depressedā
He shook his head, āYou know what I meanā
āI donātāĀ
He sighed, as if wondering whether to say it or not.
You drew a star on his hand, the one that rest on your knee, āTell me. Itās our last night together anywayā
It seemed like that was the push he needed, and he placed his glass to the side, āThe past few weeks you havenāt seemed the mostā¦happy. I know that you were having a lot of trouble with your friends, and with the art program applicationā He trailed off, looking guilty again, āAnd because of meā¦ā
You stayed quiet, letting him continue.
āI guess it was just not a great time for you. But tonight, when Iām talking to youā¦it feels like those problems donāt exist in the moment. I know I have to leave tomorrow, and I know you were upset about that, and you have every right to be, but right nowā¦it feels like youāre less burdened somehowā
You didnāt know he noticed so many things about you, and so your heart warmed at just that implication. Hearing him recount what youād been going through, you also felt a little emotional.
He looked up at you, looking a little panicked, āOr I could be completely wrong. You can correct meā
āNoā You refuted, āYouāre not wrong. I do feelā¦less burdened. I guess I just never thought of it like that. For me, it just felt like each day was getting progressively worse. I didnāt look at it from any other perspectiveā
āYeahā¦ but things will work out for you, Y/Nā He said so simply, āI know that sounds preach-y, butā¦ it may feel like everything in your life is going wrong somehow, but I assure you itās not. Every bad day youāve recently hadā¦all of that wonāt matter soon enough, and so you have to know that this sadness isnāt foreverā
You blinked, staring at him. Absentmindedly, his hand slid further up your leg, drifting from your knee to your thigh. You let it.
He pushed his stray hair back with his other hand, tucking the strands behind his ear, āAnd I know how much this art program meant to you, Iāve had my share of failed dreams before, so I know how gut-wrenching it is, but this isnāt the end of your art journey. You know that right?ā
āHow can you be so sure?ā
āWell, it canāt be. You have a gift, andā¦I know that itās not going to wasteā
You smiled, cheeks full from his words, āYou have a gift too, you know?ā
He locked eyes with you, and he was blushing too, and his fingers rest at your upper thigh now, āYeah? Whatās that?ā
āYou have...such a good heart, Hyunjinā
His eyes widened, hanging on to your every word.
āYouāre the kindest person I know. It doesnāt sound like much, butā¦Iāve not met many people like you, genuinely good people. I respect thatā¦a lot. You deal with so much bullshit in your life, but you still find a way to be happyā
His eyes lit up, a gorgeous smile appearing on his face, āIsnāt that the point of everything? The endgameā
You laughed, āIt is. It what weāre all working towards. I just wish everyone else could be like youā
He smiled at your words, and you would miss this so much. The kind of ideas that you could talk about for hours. He looked beautiful like this. He looked like the most beautiful thing in the world when he was happy. He was shy too, biting his upper lip, and his cheeks were all red.
So you continued, to make that emotion last as long as you could, āIām serious. You have such a kind heart, Hyunjin. You put your soul into everything you do, even if thatās just talking to someone at the grocery store or something. I think if someone met you, even for just a day in their life, youād impact them foreverā
His eyes crinkled with each sentence, bashful smile appearing, āThank youā
You took another sip, and you watched him.
He was finishing his drink faster than you, and you just wanted him to be closer.
So, you lift your legs up, folding them on the counter, sitting cross-legged while facing him. His eyebrow shot up, for just a second, before he realised why you did that. He stepped closer, till his body was pressed to the counter, and his face was inches apart from you.Ā
He lift his glass up, indulging in the last drink, but his eyes stayed on you, and his hand was on your thigh again.
āThank you for the drink andā¦ for the pep talk. I really enjoyed thatā You told him.
He placed his empty glass next to you, a sincere look in his eyes, āThatās what Iām here forā
You couldnāt stop yourself from smiling, and you felt like your cheekbones would hurt.
āEverybody deserves to have someone like you in their lives, Hyunjinā
He was smiling too, cheeks full, eyes twinkling, āYou too, Y/Nā
You went to sip your drink, but it was already empty and you stared at the glass in your lap, āI finished itā
Hyunjin stared at your lap too, and the petals in the glass balanced in the space between your legs, āDo you want another?ā
āAnother drink?ā You looked up at him.
He nodded, and his cheeks were so flushed, so he was already a little tipsy, āWe can make a stronger oneā
āYou have a train to catch in the morning. Is that a good idea?ā
āIāll be fineā He reassured you, āThis night is more important to me than thatā
You clutched the counter on both sides, and nodded, āOkay. Another drink sounds good to me thenā
He nodded, eyes half-lidded, āCan I have your glass?ā
You hummed, āYeahā but you made no effort to give it to him.
So, his eyes flickered from yours, to the glass between your legs.Ā
Carefully, he reached for it, trying to grasp the thin stem. You didnāt move an inch, holding your breath.Ā
His fingers brushed against your inner thighs, and he stilled. But he didnāt say anything.Ā
He went straight for it, and grabbed the wine glass, so near to where you needed him the most.Ā
Careful, he lifted it up from between your legs, and then finally you could breathe again. He walked over to the cabinet, āWhat kind of drink do you want this time?ā
āIāll trust your judgementā
He busied himself yet again, explaining what he was making, using up all the leftover gin he had. You watched him as he worked. The t-shirt was fitted, and it was a little wet from the rain, sticking to his body tightly. That must be uncomfortable.Ā
As he moved about, pouring the gin into your glasses, you focused on how his back muscles flexed and relaxed. He was so good with his hands, as he worked swiftly and quickly.
Your head was already beginning to spin.
āYou have anything to eat?ā You asked.
He looked back at you, āAre you dizzy?ā
āJust a bitā You reassured him with a smile, āI am hungry thoughā
He turned, hands on his hips, and you found it hard to focus on his face. The t-shirt was basically see-through at this point, sticking to every ridge and muscle in his body, clinging to him.Ā
āI might have some chocolate, but I donāt remember if I packed it in my suitcase alreadyā
āYou know what, donāt worry about itā You waved it off with your hand, āIāll be fineā
He looked worried, āYou sure?ā
āMmh-mhā
āAnd youāre okay to have another drink? We donāt need toāĀ
āNo, we wonāt get to do this again, so yes Iām okayā
This was your last night, your brain kept screaming at you, again and again.
He turned to finish garnishing the drink. His hair was still long enough to brush his shoulders, and it stuck to the back of his neck, and the shade of brown really suited him. You wanted to run your hands through it, feel the wet hair between your fingertips, scratch it with your nails.Ā
His girlfriendā¦she must have had the honour to do that, whenever she wanted.
Unlike you. You always had to wait for moments.Ā
Moments like the one in the Photobooth. Or under the fireflies.
The special moments you lived for.
You couldnāt just casually walk up to him, and kiss him.
You were a little tipsy, so you didnāt think twice, āCan I ask you about her?ā
He paused, and asked you, āHer?ā
āThe pop star you datedāĀ
Understanding sank into his shoulders, and he handed you the glasses. The second round of drinks were ready. Standing opposite you, he crossed one arm over his stomach, drinking with the other hand.
āYou donāt have to, if you donāt feel comfortableā You added, watching him carefully.
He didnāt seem uncomfortable.
He tipped his head back, drinking, and then looked at you, āYou really want to know?ā
āYeahā You gripped the counter, and your drink lay to the side, untouched.
You added, āI mean sheās your ex, andā¦weāre friends. Friends talk about that kind of stuffā
He nodded, slightly, āThey doā
You were relieved, never wanting to make him uncomfortable, but you were burning with curiosity.
āWhat do you want to know?ā He tilt his head.
āHow did you meet her?ā
He suddenly relaxed, as if heād been expecting you to ask much harder questions, āOh, uh. She was training at the same company I was. On a different floor, of course. She was one of the top trainees of her year, andā¦we would practice at the same time, overnight. I bumped into her a few times thenā
āOh. Sounds like she worked really hardā
Hyunjin nodded, āI mean, we had no choice, but yeahā¦she was one of the few who really pushed herself. Some days it felt impossible to debut, so you really only made it if you worked your ass off, you know?ā He then paused, as if wondering whether to say the next thing or not, but he did it anyway, āThatās what I liked the most about herā
Your gut clenched, but your curiosity overshadowed the jealousy that was eating you up.
āSoā¦did you ask her out? Or did she?ā
He took another sip of his drink, glancing briefly to the floor and then up at you, āYeah. I had a stupid teenage crush on herā
The words were enough to make you finally pick up your drink, and perhaps you needed to be inebriated before listening to this.
A fucking crush. She must have been the luckiest girl in the world to be crushed on by Hwang Hyunjin. You wondered what she looked like, but maybe it was better not to know. She was a star, she was probably perfect.
If he ever told you he had a crush on you, youād probably pass out.Ā
āWas that allowedā¦? To date another trainee?ā
Hyunjin then laughed, shaking his head, āUm, not at all. It was forbiddenā
Oh.
It was forbidden, but he did it anyway.
āYou must have liked her a lotā
He hummed, swirling the liquid in his glass, āI was a stupid kid. I wasnāt thinkingā
āSo you regret it?ā
He shook his head, āNo. I needed the experienceā
āOf dating?ā
āThat, but alsoā¦a month or so after we started going out, one of her friends was asked to leave the company because she was caught up in a scandal. A dating one. That made me realise that I was risking my entire life, and my dream, forā¦a girlā
āHowād you do it?ā
āDo what?ā He seemed confused.
Your body was alight with all of this information.
āKeep it a secret for that longā
He smiled a bit at the memory, āUm. We found ways. Weād meet after dinner, and during late-night practices. Sometimes really early in the morningā
You think you would die.
āDid you fuck?ā
Hyunjinās eyes shot up to yours, wide, surprised.Ā
You donāt know what the hell possessed you to say that, but you didnāt budge, indicating to him that it was okay to answer.
He slowly nodded, tongue poking his cheek, āYeah. We didā
You were dying.
But for some godforsaken reason, you needed to know the details. As if the thoughts of his secret dating days was arousing to you.
āTell me moreā
He til his head, words at the tip of his tongue. He wanted to ask you if you really wanted to know, or why you were so curious, but he didnāt ask.Ā
You wouldnāt have asked if you werenāt prepared to hear the answer.
Hyunjin was staring at you, assessing every little detail of your facial expression, and you wanted to seem confident. You werenāt some kid.Ā
You could hear about him having sex, and not freak out.
Thoughts of him fucking some pop star should kill you, but it didnāt. Your core was tight, with anticipation, with imagination. You pressed your thighs together, waiting for him to talk.
āUmā¦ā He paused, to take another sip. Perhaps he needed some liquid courage too sometimes, āIt was neverā¦we never had too much time on our hands. It was always quick. Rushed, but I think thatās where half of the thrill of it was. The fear of being caught anytime. If we werenāt quick, we wouldnāt have been able toā¦ā
Your heart was pounding.
Images flashing in your head.Ā
He looked into your eyes, and you just nodded, for him to continue. If he looked at your hands, he would see your knuckles were white from gripping the counter too hard.Ā
āIt was hotā He spoke, Adamās apple bobbing as he swallowed, āThe secrecy. Theā¦shared glances. Nobody but us knew what went on. During group sessions, we would watch each otherā¦in the practice room. Working out. Dancingā
āAnd?ā
It wasnāt enough.
His eyes had a peculiar expression, like he couldnāt understand why you wanted to know all this stuff, but he told you anyway, āAndā¦on bad days, when she was frustrated or upset, Iādā¦be there for her. In the way that she wantedā
You took a large sip of your drink, the alcohol sour in your mouth, and your head was beginning to spin. In a good way. You were wet too.
You didnāt think you could ever feel this way.Ā
You were dizzy with want, and with desire, and his name escaped your lips in what was almost a complaint, āHyunjinā¦ā
āYeah?ā He was immediate to step closer, keeping his glass aside. He put his hands on either side of you, caging you in place, and his voice dropped so low, āAre you gonna tell me why you wanted to know that?ā
āI donāt knowā You mumbled, āI donāt understand it myselfā
He leaned in, watching you, āYouāve had a lot to drinkā
āIām fineā
His voice softened, and he grabbed the glass from you, āI know, butā¦letās not drink anymore, okay?ā
āWhy?ā You whined, āItās your last nightā
He out a soft laugh, āItās not like Iām dying or anything. Iāll only be a few hours away from youā
āA few hours is a lot. I donāt want you to be even a few minutes awayā You complained.
He smiled, adoration in his eyes, āSo, what do you want then? To stay with me all the time?ā
You nodded, eyes closing, āThat sounds fairā
He laughed, loudly, āIs it really? What about my job? Is it fair for me to leave all of that?ā
āWhat about me?ā You opened your eyes to look at him.Ā
He was so close, just inches away. His wispy bangs stuck to his forehead, grazing his eyebrows. His eyes were full of amusement, they were so brown, and so big.Ā
His lips were thick, tinted with the colors of the drink, and even little accidents like that made him look perfect, like he was sculpted by a great artist. You could admire him for hours.
He tilt his head, āWhat about you?ā
You pursed your lips, feeling sad all of a sudden, āAre you gonna forget all about me?ā
His smiled, hand tracing your cheek, āYou really think so?ā
āYour whole life is waiting for you back thereā
He nodded, āIt isā¦ā
āYou have so much to look forward toā You told him. So much more than what this life here in this little small-town could give him.Ā
He spoke, āMaybe thatās why Iām not sad. I guess because Seoul has always been my homeā
Your heart felt heavy at his confession but you understood him, āHyunā¦ā
āI know. It sounds horrible. I was born here, and this is where my parents used to live before we moved, and this town should mean so much more to me. I feel like Iām betrayingā¦thatā
āYouāre not betraying anyone, Hyun. You may not feel this town anymore but Daejon will still always be here for you. If you ever need itā
He glanced at you, eyes wide.
āAnd I will be tooā You continued, āIf you ever need meā
His mouth parted as he whispered, āThank youā
You swallowed, staring at his lips, āWhat do we do now?ā
His eyes flickered over you, and he was quiet.
Your heart was racing a mile a minute, and your mind too.Ā
āI donāt knowā He finally spoke.
Your heart carried a sense of unfulfilment.
There was more that should happen.Ā
You could talk to each other for hours, and it was endless. Unfortunately, time was linear.
It was finite, and yours with him was coming to an end.
Youād been here for hours, yet it didnāt feel like that.
Hyunjin was staring at you, half-lidded eyes, and empty promises swirled within them.
You swallowed your sadness, trying to find words, āYour manager, heās going to be coming here soon, right?ā
āYeah. His train will arriveā¦any time nowā He glanced at his phone, āHeās almost hereā¦ā
āI should go before he arrivesā
Hyunjin nodded, stepping back, āYeah. Heā¦he canāt see you hereā
You jumped off the counter, suddenly unsure what to do or say. This was it.
He was going to be gone soon.
You stared at each other, at a loss for words. You couldnāt even cry. You just felt a certain numbness. The numbness he talked about. Maybe it was the gin.
You also felt like you were in denial, like he would return soon and youād see him tomorrow morning.Ā
But the last time he leftā¦he didnāt return for years.
Why would now be any different?
āI donāt know what to sayā You mumbled, stupidly. There was nothing wrong with being honest.
He was leaving, and you couldnāt breathe. The air in your body wasnāt enough, and you were panicking because you didnāt know what to fucking say. Why had nobody prepared you for goodbyes like this?
In the movies, they were so dramatic, but real life wasnāt like that.
In the books, they were so romantic, but there was no time for love in his life.
Hyunjinās expression softened, āYou donāt have to say anything. I donāt want you to be sad. Weāre going to meet again, and weāll see each other soonā
You nodded, air returning to your lungs, āRight. Youāre completely right, Hyunjinā
There was no need to freak out. He wasnāt dying, or anything.Ā
You didnāt want this to be some big deal. You werenāt going to cry, or make a scene.Ā
āItās only for a little whileā He shot you a smile.
āYeahā Your palms were sweaty, and you wiped them on your jeans. You stared at the kitchen counter, and your wine glasses lay empty. You wish youād asked for another drink. You wish tonight didnāt have to end. You wish time wasnāt linear, and you could go back.
Fuck. If you could change things, you would have gone back just an hour tonight, and you would have told him you were in love with him.
But it was too late now.Ā
He was just your friend, and he would stay in touch with you, like friends did. It wasnāt any different than what Yeonjun did when he left, or even Seonghwa.
āI should goā You stated, with finality.
Hyunjin nodded, then stepped forward, closing the distance between you until he stood an arm's length away.
āThank you for coming overā He mentioned, āI wouldnāt have been able to sleep tonight anywayā
āOf course. Thatāsā¦what friends are forā You smiled up at him.
He suddenly seemed awkward, hands at his side like he didnāt know what to do, āCan I hug you?ā
Why was this so strange?
Why were neither of prepared for this?
Youād never said goodbye to a boy you loved, so you didnāt know how it worked.
You wish there was a manual for this. But even every tutorial in the world couldnāt prepare you for the look in his eyes.
You got up on your toes, pulling him into an embrace, and he immediately hugged you back. His strong arms wrapped around your body, squeezing you in his grip.Ā
You could smell the rain on him, a faint hint of his cologne, his shampoo. Youād want to bottle up his scent, and keep it with you forever. The air smelt like the ground after it rained, and like an unrequited love.
You tried to memorise the shape of his arms on you, and the sound of his heart beat.Ā
Hyunjin let go of you, far too quickly, but it was what you needed, or youād never leave.
You were in a state of fugue, indulging in actions, but not thinking, not feeling.
You found yourself at the front door, and you donāt remember how you got here. You looked back at him, āText me when you get to the city, okay?ā
He nodded, āI will. Donāt worry, okay?ā
All your words seem stuck in you. They canāt seem to make it past your chest.
Maybe a part of you thought thereād be some grand declaration of love by now, but this was real life and those things never happened.
You turned to leave.
āWaitāā He suddenly spoke.
āWhat?ā You asked, anticipation swelling within you.
His wait held so many promises. So much hope.
Wait, Iām in love with you too.
Wait, Iām fucking stupid for leaving you all alone in this town.
Wait, please donāt leave me without kissing me goodbye.
He retreated to the kitchen counter, āWait ā your sketchbook. Donāt forget to take thatāĀ
āOh. Of courseā You grabbed it from him, fingers brushing against his.Ā
āTake care of yourselfā He spoke, and it was so forced. It was the right thing to say, obviously. Itās what you told people when you wouldnāt see them again for a while.Ā
But it felt wrong, like you were both forcing yourselves to follow traditions, and patterns, but those never worked on the two of you.
You pushed open the door, and a gust of wind blew in. The storm had passed now, so you could get home safely, by yourself, all alone.Ā
Looking over your shoulder as you walked out, you felt nothing. He smiled at you, but it didnāt reach his eyes. His heart wasnāt in it.Ā
You were drained out, and all of your emotions were spent.
You held the sketchbook to your chest, focusing on the sound of your footsteps on the wet pavement, and not on Hyunjinās house behind you.
You heard the door close behind you, and you squeezed the sketchbook a little harder, willing yourself to walk as fast as you could.
It felt like it would be the most emotionally draining moment of your life, but you felt so numb too.
You passed his front porch and bedroom window, and you remembered the first time youād come over. How heād shown you all of his art, and his painting. Youād been surprised to know how wonderfully his mind worked.Ā
Even back then, heād asked if he could hug you. Always soā¦fucking nice.Ā
You were already forgetting the feel of his arms around you.
You stopped in your tracks, and you shouldnāt.
You turned around.
His house was beautiful, like him.Ā
Tomorrow, it would be empty.
Right now, it was so full of him, of his love, and of everything that made him him.
Your body took on a mind of its own, and you were walking.Ā
You were walking back to his place. It was stupid.Ā
What the hell were you doing?
You had no plan or idea of what youād say when you got there, but that couldnāt have been your goodbye.Ā
You needed to see him one more time. Just another minute.
You raised your hand in a fist to knock on his door, but before you could, the door flew open.
He stood there, staring at you, eyes wide.Ā
His hair was messy like heād run his hand through it a million times since you walked away, but that was only twenty fucking seconds ago.
āY/Nā¦ā He spoke, breathing heavy as his eyes flickered all over you, and the fact that youād come back.
āWhatā¦ what were you doing?ā You had the audacity to ask him when you didnāt even know what the fuck you were doing.
He was breathing so heavy, chest moving rapidly up and down, āI donāt really know. I was coming after youāĀ
Realisation sank in.Ā
Youād come back to see him again, and in the same breath he was coming after you.Ā
The world was really so cruel.
How could two people be so perfect for each other but be destined to be apart?
You couldnāt say anything, except his name, āHyunāā
And in the same breath, his lips collided with yours, so hard and fast.
The impact was so powerful you stumbled back, but his arm was tightly wrapped around you, holding you up.Ā
It was tight around your waist, gripping you, and he was devouring you, lips moving against yours like they never should be apart.Ā
You were running out of time.
You kissed him back, hands coming up to his arms, gripping his biceps tight, fingernails digging in.Ā
Time was running and it was slipping away every second that the Earth was turning, but his grip on you was so strong that even a planet couldnāt come between you.
You stood at his doorway, on the threshold, halfway in, halfway out.
Heād never kissed you like this.Ā
His hand slipped into your hair, gripping onto it so tightly it almost hurt, tilting your head back and back as he towered over you. He kept kissing you, pressing pecks against your lips, bruising them.
Your hands drifted into the front of his shirt, and you gripped it in your fists, holding onto him for life.
āFuckāā He mumbled, in a breath between pecks. Fuck, youāre actually fucking doing this again.
Your body was heating up, and he stopped to let you breathe, moving his mouth over your jawline and leaving kisses to your ear. You were putty in his hands, and he tilt his head the other way, pecking every inch of un-kissed skin.
āYou came backā He breathed, pupils dilated as he looked right at you, and both his hands came to hold your face.
āI couldnāt goā You were panting, trying to get the air back in.
āIām gonna miss you so fucking muchā His lips trailed over yours again, tracing your mouth to memory.
āI know, I knowā You nodded, realising that you were both tasting your tears. You didnāt even know you had tears.
The door was wide open and it was stupid to do this now, but it was everything. The wind prickled goosebumps up your arms, and legs, and you both kissed each other goodbye.
āCan I just say something?ā He asked, breathing heavy.Ā
āThereās no timeā You told him, kissing him again, and again.
He laughed slightly, āIāll be quickā
You pulled away, āTell meā
He was speaking quickly, trying to get all the words out in one breath, āI know weāve said it a million times. I know weāre supposed to just be friends, and I know nothing can happen, butā¦I have no self-control around you. Iām so fucking sorryā
It didnāt make you sad. Youād heard it before, and you embraced it.
āDonāt apologiseā You mumbled, and your hands drifted around his waist, feeling him up.Ā
Was it possible to want somebody so bad, knowing it would lead to absolutely nothing?
He swallowed, āI know we have to just be friendsā¦but Iām so fucking attracted to you. Like an absolutely insane amount. Itās impossible for me to pretend Iām not into youā
Each word he said just made you wet, and you kissed him instead of answering.Ā
There was no time, because when were things ever easy for you?
You felt him up, all you could, hands drifting to his ass, and to the front of his pants, squeezing him through his sweatpants.
He left kisses on your jaw, and he felt you up too. His hand squeezed your ass, the other going up the front of your shirt. His fingers grazed your bra, and he pulled you even closer to him.
āCan I take you inside?ā He whispered, āPlease, please, pleaseā
āHyunjin, I donāt wanna be interruptedā You breathed, because thatās what always happened.Ā
āMe neitherā He mumbled into your neck, breathing in your scent, āWe wonātā¦ go there. We wonāt sleep togetherā
You pulled back to look him in the eyes, because it sounded impossible right now, āWould we be able to stop before that?ā
He nodded, āIf you canāt, Iāll stop us. Donāt worryā
How could you say no?Ā
So he took your hand, fingers intertwining with yours, as you found yourselves back in his bedroom. Everything was put away, and his room was empty, but you sat on the bed and didnāt break the kiss for a second.
You didnāt have the luxury to go further, but you could just kiss. So you did just that.
He didnāt pull you into his lap, because you wouldnāt be able to control yourself if he did.
Instead, you sat cross-legged, facing each other, mouths meeting in the middle like two teenagers dared to kiss at a party.
He kept his hand in your hair, the other on your waist, and it was so innocent it was sweet. Your hands rested on his thighs, squeezing the skin through his sweats.
You didnāt know much time you had left, until he had to leave, until you were interrupted. You hope his manager never showed up.Ā
You continued to feel him up, memorising every ridge and muscle of his body, and he let out soft moans every time you touched him somewhere new.
āIām so glad you came backā He mumbled, āI wanted you so muchā
āWhy didnāt you ask me?ā You almost whined, kissing his jawline, āI wanted you tooā
Things got more heated, and in a matter of seconds, he was pulling you closer to him. Your knees skidded across the mattress, as Hyunjin pulled you to him.Ā
Nothing was supposed to happen, but somehow, you were fiddling with the knot of his sweatpants, and he had unbuttoned your jeans, pulling the button out of its loop.Ā
You were dizzy with desire, and his hand slipped inside your jeans, at the same time that yours did into his sweatpants. Now you really did feel like teenagers ā making out with your hands down each otherās pants.
It was hard for him because the waistband of your jeans were so tight, and he seemed frustrated. If youād known this was going to happen, youād have worn a dress, or maybe nothing at all, so nothing could stop him from touching you.
His fingers brushed against your underwear, and you were so fucking wet it was ridiculous. You bit back a moan, heād barely touched you but you were burning.
Everything was spinning, and you were so high off off him. His fingers pushed your panties to the side, your arousal making it harder for him to do.
āFuckā¦youāre really wetā He mumbled, and his fingers touched your core. You let out a moan at the feeling.
This was the first time heād touched you like this, and you couldnāt focus on anything. Your hand in his pants stilled, as his fingers started to brush languid circles across your clit.Ā
Your head fell forward, against his forehead, and he didnāt even seem to mind that youād stopped touching his cock. He was too focused on you.Ā
āShhā¦I got youā He breathed, kissing your jaw, as he pressed his fingers against you, truly feeling how much you wanted him. You couldnāt describe the way he touched you, as if he was caressing you, fingers brushing against your folds so delicately. Nobody had ever touched you like this.
Your mouth parted, allowing Hyunjin to slip his tongue in, and his anxiety manifested in how intensely he kissed you, like he was running out of time, like this was the last time. You let him take control, as he controlled the pace of it, making out with you. Yet, making out seemed too crude a word for what he was doing. He was savouring every kiss - no half-kisses, no pecks - mouth crushed to yours like he wanted to devour you and youād let him.
Youād been turned on since hours. You needed more. You gripped onto his bicep tightly, your other hand buried down his pants, hoping he would get the hint. His fingers prodded at your entrance, feeling you.
āWill you let me?ā He asked, voice so innocent. Youād never said yes so fast before in your life.
Your lips grazed his ear, and then his cheek, āPlease, Hyunā
He pulled back to look at you, āAre you sure?ā
āPleaseā
āStop me if it hurts, okay?ā He kissed under your ear, and then in one swift move, he pushed a finger inside you. You stopped breathing the deeper he got, and you looked at him, mouth parted.Ā
It didnāt hurt. He could never hurt you.
āYouāre so gorgeousā He mumbled, and then he pulled his finger back, before pushing it back in. An embarrassing moan escaped you, and he smiled at your reaction.Ā
āYou like it when I do that?ā He asked, and he was out of breath, just like you. He began thrusting out, and then back in, slow, lazy strokes, like he was still getting a feel for it, familiarising himself with your reactions and your body. But there was no time for slow, or careful.
āHoly shitā You mumbled, feeling like youād pass out, āYou can āYou can go deeper, and faster too...pleaseā
You had to make him feel good too. So you went back to work, wrapping your hand entirely around his cock. It was a different kind of feeling, to be doing this with all of your clothes still on. There was a small stain at the front of his sweatpants, and he was leaking already. The sight made you dizzy and crazy.
You brushed your thumb against his tip. He let out a moan, eyes fluttering shut, āFuck. If you do that, I canāt focus on youāĀ
He then thrust another finger deep inside you, stretching you open, as if in retaliation.
Your mouth fell open in a moan, eyes squeezing shut, but you didnāt stop moving your hand over his cock, āButā but youāre distracting meā
You were both a mess of whimpers and moans, and he kept fingering you open, stretching you out. Youāre sure his hand was dripping with your arousal, just like yours was covered in his pre-cum.
Hyunjin became impatient, bucking his hips for more friction, and you increased your pace too.Ā He whimpered, back arching, and cursed loudly, fucking himself into your hand. His hair was wet with sweat, sticking to his forehead, to his neck.
āFuck, youāre so beautifulā You told him, pressing your mouth to his.
He fingered you harder.Ā
Your vision was a blur, and all you could focus on was moving your hand over his length. Something about making him moan, while his fingers were buried inside you, was so fucking hot. He was too big in your hands, and you wanted him so bad. But youād made an agreement, and you couldnāt fuck, no matter how tempting it was.
Time ticked so fast, slipping from within you.
āAre you close?ā He whispered into your ear, finger fucking you slowly. It was far too much to handle. You squirmed in his grip, āYeah. Go faster, pleaseā
He nodded, pressing a kiss to your lips and then increased his pace. You could hear how turned on you were, the wet sounds echoing through his room.
āItād be easier without the jeansā He mumbled, fucking you open with just his fingers, frustrated at how the waistband restricted his movements.Ā
āAre you close too?āĀ
He hummed, āIām so close. I could cum probably just from touching youā
His words shot another wave of arousal through you, and your core tightened around him, impossibly.
āFuck ā you justā¦got so tight. Did you like that?ā He asked you.
You nodded, no coherent thought in your head.
āShit, come hereā He said, and he pulled your hand out of his sweatpants. You whined at the loss of contact, but he pulled you into his lap instead. His arm came around to hold you up, and you were sat right on his crotch.
āWhat aboutāā You went to ask, but he shut you up with a kiss.Ā
His hand slipped back inside your jeans, and he slid your panties to the side again, āLet meā
You nodded, putting your hands around his neck.
He was so hard under you, and experimentally he thrust up, the friction of you on him so much, and he breathed, āShit. That feels...amazingā
Everything was spinning, except him, āDonāt stopā
āRemember what I told you?ā He mumbled, hand gripping your hip, and you nodded.Ā
Heād taught you how to make him feel good, back when you were still in the Photobooth. So, you dragged yourself over his crotch, slowly. It was harder to do when his fingers were still inside you, but every little movement felt amplified.Ā
You didnāt care about anything but him, you didnāt need this to be slow, you didnāt need it to be careful. You just needed him, and that was perfect.
His head fell back, and you kissed messily, spit between your mouths. He was thrusting up into you, to the same pace that his fingers moved inside you. It seemed like that was really enough for him too. Every little contact drove you crazy, like it was your first time touching a boy, and his first time touching a girl. There was so much novelty in the way you two moved against each other, and no finesse. Everything was rushed, every kiss messy, each feeling intensified.Ā
You caressed the sides of his face, āI want you to fuck me, pleaseā
His eyes widened, but he thrust up so hard at those words, āY/N, we canātā
āPlease, just the...just the tipā
He kissed you, āI want to, so badly, but --ā
āBut what?ā
He looked genuinely sorry, breaking away from the kiss, āI donāt have a...condom. I'm sorryā
Oh, the irony. You wanted to scream with agony, because you donāt think youād ever wanted someone this bad before.
āIām so sorryā He mumbled, kissing you again, but then his voice turned darker, āMy fingers arenāt enough for you?ā
You clenched, āNo. No- they areā
He thrust both fingers in with so much pressure, stretching you open, āIs that better?ā
You pressed your lips to his, wanting to kiss him through your orgasm, because your stomach was tightening and you were so close. Hyunjin deepened the kiss, pushing his tongue into your mouth, and he was suddenly so rough and intense but you absolutely loved that.
He was breathing heavy, eyes half-lidded and consumed with lust, just like you. His lips were so puffy, and swollen, thick and full, and so pink, and he was fingering you so perfectly. Your core tightened, and you pressed your mouth to his again, to let him kiss you because you felt so out of control.
āWaitā wait, I wanna look at youā He breathed, pushing both fingers in so deep, curling them just right. All it took was to look at him for you to completely let go.Ā
Stars dotted your vision, and you whimpered, your entire body trembling.Ā
āHyunāā You buried your face in his neck, a white hot flash overtaking you, travelling from your core to your heart, to your head.Ā
He was still grinding against you, faster now, lips hovering over yours, chasing a high youād both been denied for far too long. And just seconds after, he let out a long drawn out moan, hips twitching up into you, eyes squeezed shut as he cursed, āFuckā
For a few minutes, there was nothing but the sounds of your breaths.Ā
He was breathing deeply, and his hair was drenched, sweat dripping down his face, and neck and chest.
He opened his eyes. You wanted to cuddle up in his arms and go to sleep. From the look on his face, he wanted the same. You stared at each others state, and slowly he pulled his hand out of your jeans. Sweat trickled down his chin. It sparkled like glitter. You traced his jawline with your hands, soaking up the sweat into your skin.
You didnāt say anything, but he wrapped his arms tighter around your body. You gripped the front of his shirt, squeezing it in your grip. His heart was beating so fast.Ā
āYou okay?ā He asked you, his voice so gentle.
You hummed, and you felt drained, but you felt exhilarated too.
His hand rubbed your back, soothing you.
You tilt your head at him, āYou?ā
A smile pulled at his lips, āYeah. Iām okayā
You traced his pecs through the shirt, not wanting him to leave. It was criminal for this feeling to end, and for this pleasure to not be yours everyday. Nothing had ever felt this good, and even in your post-coital haze, you wanted him more.Ā
So you blurted, āWhat if I did it anyway?ā
āDid what?ā
āWhat ifā¦I moved to Seoul anyway? Maybe I could go there firstā¦and look for a job later. I know itās crazy and impulsive but Iāve always wanted to live there andāā
You trailed off, at his expression.
āDo you think itās a stupid idea or something?ā You chewed on your lower lip.
Hyunjinās eyes followed that movement, and his thumb traced your mouth, āNo ā¦itās not stupid at all. Itās what youāve wanted for a few years, right?ā
āIt sounds crazy and impulsiveā¦because I donāt even have a plan of what Iāll do, but maybe...that doesnāt matterā
Before he could speak up, his phone buzzed against the nightstand.
He glanced at it, and then to you.
Just at that minute, you heard the cab pull up. Hyunjin sighed, closing his eyes, and you got off his lap. He peeked through the blinds, āFuck. Heās hereā
āI should leaveā You stood, gathering your things. There was no time to ask for his opinion anymore. Maybe he didnāt want to tell you it was a batshit insane idea.
āHold onā He handed you his sweatshirt, the one that had dried by now, āItās a cold walk out. You sure youāll make it home safe?ā
āDonāt worry about meā You told him, squeezing his sweatshirt in your hands, feeling silly for blurting out such a spontaneously dumb idea that made it very obvious how much you loved him.
A car door opened outside, and his manager must have stepped out. It was almost four in the morning. You were going to be leaving through the back.Ā
His manager couldnāt see you here.Ā
Youād already said your goodbyes, in the only way you knew how to.
You stepped out onto the patio, but Hyunjin grabbed your arm, urgency in his tone, āYou should do it, Y/Nā
You turned, confused, āDo what?ā
The doorbell rang.
Hyunjin spoke quickly, āWhat you were just talking about. Even if you didnāt get into the program you wanted, you should move there. To Seoulā
Your eyes widened, tears filling up suddenly, and you quickly pulled him into another hug, and he stumbled into your embrace, āThank you for saying that. I think itād feel less scary with you thereā
His lips brushed against your ear, āItās the least I can do. Being here was less scary for me, only because of youā
He kissed you a rushed goodbye, but for the first time that night, your heart didnāt hurt anymore.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
Your morning passed in a daze.Ā
Time wasnāt real, as you lay on your bed, counting down the seconds until his train. Minutes stretched into hours into seconds, and you must have been more tired than you thought, because you woke up to drool on your pillow.Ā
The sun told you it was the afternoon.Ā
Youād fallen asleep in the clothes you wore to the drive-in theater. Your underwear was still wet, and reminded you of him. You were smiling to yourself like a crazy person, as you dressed yourself for work, and you put his sweatshirt on. It smelled just like him, and as you walked to work, the grass and the birds and the houses all remind you of him.Ā
Was it possible to fall even more in love with someone?
You were distracted, often drifting into thoughts of his moans, of the sensation of his hand in your pants, but it was frustrating because the man of your affections was moving miles away from you by the minute.
Hyunjinās first text came at a precarious time.
You had been packing a pink acrylic canister for a customer, and the pings of your phone were so distinctive, you instantly knew it was him. It had to be Hyunjin, he must have already reached home, and you had to hold back an urge to text him back.
The phone buzzed incessantly against the glass countertop, and the lady in front of you raised an eyebrow.
āSorryā You apologised for the ringing, āI forgot to put it on silentā
She didnāt really seem to care, āCan I try a paint swatch of the pink before you pack it up?ā
āOf courseā You unscrewed the cap, dipping a stray paintbrush into it, so you could show her how it showed up on paper, āIs that good?ā
āUm, do you have a brighter one perhaps? I donāt think my daughter needs this oneāĀ
You nodded, glancing behind her, āI think itās in the third aisleā
A few more pings from your phone caught your attention.
It startled you, making you squeeze the bottle in your hands, and pink paint dripped onto your fingers and the countertop.
āShitā You mumbled, wiping it clean with a tissue.
The customer was still busy browsing the aisles, and Mrs. Aera would be less than pleased to see you using your phone on your job, butā¦
It was just for a minute.
hyun
heyy
shit im sorry i couldnāt call earlier
Itās been crazy
but i just got to my dorm
i just wanted to let you know i made itĀ
and i was planning to paint in the train journey over, but i totally passed out lol
you
hey :)
I was just thinking of you
im so glad youre home safe <3
that sounds like something i would do ngl
keep me updated!
tell me everything in detail later please im dying
hyun
sent a photo
can you tell they missed me a lot
It was a picture of him at a stairwell, surrounded by three boys youād come to recognise as Chan, Changbin and Jisung. They were smiling wide, teeth on display and Changbin was making a kissing face towardās Hyunjinās cheek, lips pouted and ready.Ā
Jisung was pulling at Hyunjinās other cheek, and Chan was laughing to the side, eyes closed in pretty crescents.Ā
youĀ
theyāre adorable lmao
did changbin actually kiss u haha?
In the picture you literally look like a kid embarrassed by his parents Ā
hyunĀ
they wonāt let go of me ever since im back
and yeah changbin even insisted on sleeping in my bed tonight..?
i had to reassure them im not going away anytime soonĀ
but its sweet
what are you up to?
i hope you werenāt too tired for workĀ
āThis pink seems like a good shade, does it not?ā The customer brought you back to reality, placing a canister on the counter, and her gaze fell to the stained countertop, āWhat happened to your hands?ā
Your screen was now tainted with pink fingerprint stains, but you didnāt care, smiling at the texts you just received. Maybe things would be okay, even when he was gone.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
Ā The first time he called you from the city, was when you were at the diner, and you almost fumbled your latte at the ringing.Ā
Seonmi raised a questioning eyebrow as you pushed your coffee cup aside.
You picked up faster than lightning.Ā
āHiā You spoke, into your phone, sounding just a little out of breath.
āHeyā His voice sent shooting stars through your heart, igniting you with a newfound energy at only eight in the morning. It was hoarse, and smooth at the same time.
Youād only been texting each other the past few days, heād been rightfully swept into the whirlwind of his life, and youād been dying to know how heād been. Heād given you little updates, about how it felt to move back in, to get back to his job, at how he was welcomed back by his fans so grandly.Ā
Youād watched his return on the news ā the number of people who were there to greet him at the train station was insane, and youād felt so proud of him. He told you that they had to close a major exit of the station, just because the company hadnāt expected that many people to show up.Ā
It was the first time youād physically seen the impact he had, and it didnāt surprise you at all. People with pictures of him, banners, and slogans and signs in every language just to welcome him back from his hiatus.
He was so loved by so many people.
Itād be selfish to want to keep him just to yourself.
āAre you outside?ā
āI was just grabbing coffeeā You explained, pressing your phone to your ear to drown out the sounds of the diner.Ā
āMan, I miss The Groveās coffeeā
You twirled the cup in your hands, smiling, āIt misses you tooā
āI thought Iād call you when I had time. Iām headed straight to the studio after this. Guess what? The stylists love what I did with my hair, apparently the blonde is an old trend now anyway, and now they want to capture this while itās still freshā
You laughed, āWhat? You mean the cheap haircut you gave yourself?ā
He chuckled, āMmh. Something about it is raw, and apparently perfect for my comebackā
You spun on your chair, āWell, they certainly know how to make the best of a situationāĀ
āWeāre recording till late tonight. With the new album, weāre on the clock almost all the time. We have just under two weeks to finish producing itā
āFor the entire album? Is that enough?ā
āIt has to beā He said, āI donāt mind. Itās what I live forā
You bit your lip, anticipation coursing through you, āCan I hear it anytime soon?ā
He grinned, āYouāll be the first oneā
He kept his promise.Ā
That night, he sent you a video.Ā
Itās a snippet of him in the studio, and you keel at the thumbnail before youāve even opened it. His hair was messy, like heās straight out of bed before recording, and bulky headphones sat around his neck.Ā
You hear someone counting down in the background, and you wonder if thatās Chan, his producers, or someone else to help with the process. The instrumental is muted, so itās just Hyunjin singing the backing vocals.
Eyes squeezed shut, heās lost in the verse of the song. The cadence and tone of his voice so distinctly different from when he speaks. Itās sassy, and itās harsh, and the cleanest rap you ever heard.
You stared in awe, earphones plugged in, sat behind the cash counter in your break, and then you watched it again, and again, until youāre called back to your shift.
You think about the video all the while youāre at the store, and you called him as soon as youāre out.
āYou were so good, the verse has been stuck in my head for hours and you sound cocky as fuck, but itās not an annoying cocky. How do you even do that?ā You were belting out compliments for minutes now, and Hyunjin sat at the other end, accepting them with flushed cheeks. He was so shy right now, a stark contrast to his singing personality.Ā
āStop. You make me sound better than I am. You shouldā¦be telling me to get betterā He complained.
You laughed, āYouāre literally already perfect at itā
āWhen you visit me, Iāll get you access to the studio. You can watch me record it in real timeā He suggested.
The thought excites you, and you imagine watching him from the couch, through the observation window.
You imagine him coming out of the booth to take a break, all sweaty and exhausted, and he would put an arm around you.Ā
Perhaps youāre influenced by far too many 80s movies. Still, you imagine excessively making out with him in the recording studio until his assistants have to physically pull you off each other.
Yeah, considering the industry heās in, that could never happen.
Over the next few days, he also sends you videos from the dance studio, and all of your feelings for him build on top of each other, like a Jenga tower destined to fall. Every day that passes, a new block is added, and you donāt know how lucky you had to be to bump into him in your life.
He dances just like he kisses, with purpose and intensity, a certain romance behind his moves, and you become guilty of obsessively rewatching the clips he sends you, finding new details every time.Ā
He wears simple sweatpants to the studio, and he ties his hair up into a bun, and all you want is to be there to kiss his sweat away, and reward him after his long days of work.Ā
It feels silly to fantasize about caring for him, like youāre a seventies housewife, but you canāt help it. You want to massage the knots from his back, brush the tangles out of his hair, and kiss him between every dance practice.Ā
You realise how much heās taken over your life and thoughts, even when heās miles away. You donāt tell him all of this, but some days you canāt help but blurt your thoughts out.
āYouāre messing with me every time you send me another videoā You complain to him, āHow do you contain all of that talent in a singular body?ā
He laughs, but he doesnāt stop. He sends you selfies of him every day from the practice room, and heās always glistening with sweat in them, throwing up a cheesy peace sign, and itās your new favourite picture, until he sends you another the very next day.
You sit on your bedroom floor, fiddling with the strings of your hoodie as you talk to him, āWhatās your schedule like right now?ā
Heās at the headquarters of a high-end international magazine, in the waiting room as he talks to you. You canāt help but feel special that he takes out this time for you, āWell, I stay in the recording studio till late, and when Iām homeā¦Iām trying to paint as much as I can before passing the fuck out. I just started a few days ago but it helps me destress. It gives me time to think about what happened in my day. Itās soā¦catharticā
You smiled, so glad he found time to paint again, āAre you cheating on Aeraās with that art shop in Hongdae?ā
He laughed, āYeah. The cashierās pretty cute here tooā
You roll your eyes, āFunnyā¦I hope youāre still making time to eatā
āYeah, Jisung is my self-appointed manager for the moment. Theyāre smothering me with loveā
āWhat, he cooks for you?ā
āGod no, heād burn the dorm down. He just gets me my favourite takeout. Man, I missed takeout so much I didnāt even realise. Thereās a Thai place down the street, and Iām basically surviving on itā
You rolled your eyes, āYeah, Daejon isnāt boujee enough for a Thai restaurantā
He giggled, āI miss the hilltop bakery, although Chan introduced me to this cake shop. It opened just a month ago, itās some European franchise but fuck if it isnāt the best pastries Iāve hadā
You laughed, āIt seems like youāre really enjoying yourselfā
āYeah. Everythingās really goodā
āYeah?ā You stretch your legs out on your bedroom floor, and as you talk to him, youāve been sketching in your notepad too, āHow are the boys?ā
He falls quieter, āWellā¦Jisung is still dealing with the fallout and backlash from that article. Did I ever tell you my company sued the media outlets who leaked the private information about him? All of his therapy notes and everything?ā
āYeonjun told me that there was some court caseā You admitted, heart feeling heavy, āHowās that going?ā
āItās exhausting. Thereās so many legal proceedings, but I have hope that Jisung will win the caseā
You donāt know too much about this works, āDo you have to testify too?ā
āIf it comes to that, I will. Jisung wants me to stay out of that spotlight though. He says Iāve already been through enough with my hiatusā
You nod, āThen thatās probably for the bestā
āI have to be careful though. The media seems to have a personal vendetta against us right nowā
āGod. That must be scary. Just take care of yourselfā
āI am. Donāt worry. But the other day it was crazy, they surrounded our dorm and it made it impossible to leaveā
Your eyes widen, āThat doesnāt sound too safe. Canāt the company do something?ā
He nods, āOur managers take care of it, but not much else can be done. The area outside our dorm is a public space. Legally, anybody can hang out there, and nothing can stop them from waiting for usā
You sighed, putting down your pencil, āYouāre a saint for going through all of this, for your jobā
He let out a bitter laugh, āIt is my life, so Iām kind of used to itā
āThatās crazyā You mumble.
He nodded, āHold on. Theyāre calling me in for the fitting nowā
Your eyes widened, the prospect of him dressed up exciting you already, āDid they already show you the outfits you have to wear?ā
He hummed, āThey told me the theme too. Youāll love it.ā
āTell meā
He laughed, āI gotta goā
āWait, what?ā You protest, but he hangs up before telling you.
The pictures arrived at an unassuming time, catching you off guard.
Hyunjin had sent you ten different photos. Youād been wondering what the theme could have been for the past few hours, but it became very obvious as you scrolled through them all.
2000s fashion.Ā
Of fucking course.
In the first photo that you see, he was in a cropped jacket, the fabric shimmering under the changing room lights. His phone was held in front of his face, hiding his features and his hair was pushed back by a hairband. He still managed to make it look so sexy.
You stopped everything you were doing, scrolling through the myriad of pictures and outfits heād bombarded you with.
The denim jeans fit snugly on his hips, patchwork across the thighs.Ā
You scrolled to the last one, and the jacket was unzipped. You realised why heād said you would love it. He revealed a cropped baby blue t-shirt, with rhinestones across the hem. The shirt rose enough to show his bellybutton piercing and clenched abs.
You held your breath, staring at the pictures. A thin choker adorned his neck too, and he was slightly smirking in the picture.
He wanted you dead.
you:
wow.
hyun
is that all?
the photoshoot just ended so im going back
you:
i donāt really know what else to say
you look really fucking hotā¦like youāre so gorgeous in that
the outfit isā¦perfect on you
but i canāt imagine you ever wearing it here
itās not your style, right?
hyun:
hahaĀ
you know me so well
i really hate crop tops lol
but ā¦
you
but?
hyun
i know you too :)
so i took a picture just for you
He sent it to you, making your heart stop.
In it, he was sat on the fitting room bench, legs spread. But this timeā¦the rhinestone choker wasnāt around his neck anymore.
It was held between his teeth.Ā
It was so fucking sexy, you sat up in bed, staring at it, a feeling shooting through your body. You have to remind yourself how to breathe. You donāt reply for a few minutes, and he texts you again.
hyun
what, you have nothing to say now?
Heās so fucking cocky, but it makes you dizzy.
you
i hate you for that picture
hyunĀ
haha
i knew youād love itĀ
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
The next few days were a blur, and you felt a frenzied mess, like you were falling in love with him all over again.Ā
Hyunjin in Daejon wasā¦a sweetheart, but Hyunjin in Seoulā¦was a fucking menace.Ā
You donāt know what it was that changed.
Heād tease you more often, exuding a calm confidence that tortured you at nights.Ā
Even though you couldnāt talk to him as often, the moments that you did were special. Heād send you pictures, snippets of his day, voice messages about how the album was going or random things the boys did at the dorm.
You lived through him.
In turn, you sent him parts of your life.
The way the sunset set perfectly against the Creek, the exorbitantly rich guests at the ChĆ¢teau that were dressed to the nines, the sketches you drew and left unfinished but still sent him.
You found out through Seungmin that Hyunjin had donated all of his leftover paints to The ChĆ¢teau, which were worth hundreds of dollars, just so they wouldnāt go to waste while he was away. You were once again, struck by how kind he was to have thought of that.
On mundane nights, heād send you audio recordings of their unreleased songs, pictures from the studio of him, headphones slung around his neck, tired and weary eyes.
You tried to keep each other updated, not that there was much happening in your life at the moment. Still, youād send him pictures of you with Yeonjun, of the store, of his favourite order at the diner.Ā
Every notification, every ping on your phone would send lightning through your veins, knowing it was him on the other end.Ā
In the days that followed, you heard his voice less, and instead read about his day in wrapped-up summary text messages, paragraphs that flowed for hours, leaving you to scroll through your phone. Youād make it a habit to sit in your favourite booth in the diner, as your paper straw turned soggy in the milkshake, youād type out every single one of your thoughts.Ā
Vicariously, he lived through it too.
Your texts with him flowed like a personal diary, a newsletter on all the gossip in Daejon. You told him about the time you bumped into Hana at the diner, and she smiled at you, and you didnāt know what to do.
Somehow, he feels guilty for the rift between you and her, but you tell him itās not his fault. If your friendship could be broken up by just a boy, it clearly wasnāt strong enough.
But then the next time you see her at the diner, she comes and sits across you.
Youāre so shocked that you can barely process it, and she seems unsure too.
āIs there something wrong?ā You asked her.
āDoes something have to be wrong for me to talk to you?ā She replied.
You shrugged, āConsidering the last time we spokeāā
āI heard Hyunjin left town. Are you okay?ā
You frown, feeling defensive, āYeah. Why wouldnāt I be?ā
āYou two were closeā She stated, obviously, āEverybody in town knows thatā
Maybe itās your closeness with Hyunjin that makes you feel brave.
You want to say something mean.Ā
You want to say something honest.Ā
Everybody in town also thinks he cheated on her with you, after everything she said at the Lakehouse party.Ā
After she yelled at you in front of everyone.
But youāre past that, so you donāt say it.
āI donāt really care what everybody in town thinksā
Itās tamer than what you had in mind, but it has the same intended effect.
Her eyebrows shoot up, and sheās clearly not expecting that response.
āThat doesnāt sound like youā She finally said.
āYeah, well maybe you donāt know who I am anymore. You havenāt talked to me in monthsā
āIām sorry. Yeonjun coming back to town threw me off the loop. You know I never got over himā
āThat doesnāt mean you can just take it out on me. I told you that night thatā¦that I got rejected from an apprenticeship Iāve always wanted. You didnāt even ask me about thatā
She sighed, running her hands through her hair, āIām sorry, okay? I donāt really know what you want me to say. Iām not gonna apologise for being upsetā
āThatās not what Iām asking you to do, HanaāĀ
āThen what are even saying? Itās been weeks since that fight. I thought youād moved on from itā
You stare at her. The innocence in her big eyes, the curls in her hair, the princess corset top she had on. It doesnāt affect you anymore. You used to get so hurt by the things she said. So personally offended. You want to confront her, and tell her about it. You want her to know that she hurt you, but youāre so sick of drama, and of confrontations.
Right now, you feel past it.Ā
The past few months and all of the things she said still hurt you, and maybe one day you can make things up with her. You just donāt think that day is today.
So you stood up, and she stared at you, confused.
Grabbing your bag and sketchbook, you mumbled, āYouāre right, Hana. I have moved on from thisā
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
One day, Hyunjin sends you a new painting he worked on.
Itās a vase of flowers. Dahlia. Ā
Itās rendered beautifully. The shadows, the texture of the petals, and the lighting on the glass.
āWhen do you even get the time?ā As soon as he called you, you asked him, āYouāre getting so much better, Hyunjin. Iām serious, like the art you made hereā¦this is already on another level from thatā
He smiled, āAre you proud of me?ā
āOf courseā
āCan you tell me how I can get better?ā
You donāt feel too worthy of sharing your knowledge, and you tell him that. After all, youāre not an expert or anything.Ā
He shuts you down instantly.
āYouāve been painting since before you could talkā He replied, āI want your opinion, Y/Nā
You sighed, staring at the picture, āI think your shadows are getting better. Have you tried using a wider brush for the water, with thick bristles? I think the ripples will blend much easierā
āReally?ā He asked, āI think right now, it looks too fake somehowā
āYeah, but I think thatās because youāve drawn out every wave and the lines are too sharp. Try blending the edges so it fades naturally, okay?ā
āOkay, Iām gonna try that this weekendā
āIām really glad you make time to paint, Hyunjinā
He laughed, āItās a necessity. I lose myself in it, and itās just me and the canvas for all those hours. Nothing else mattersā
āSounds familiarā You smiled, āMaybe one day, if you have time, we can paint on video call togetherā
And then he called you that very weekend.
The computer screen illuminated your face and his, as you painted in the dead of the night. You were set up in your bedroom, an assortment of paintbrushes and watercolours surrounding you. You painted with your fingers, often getting distracted by Hyunjin across the screen.Ā
His space was cleaner, more organised because he had less space to work with. A bag of chips lay at your side and you pushed your hand into it, lazily munching on it as you watched him frown over a color choice.Ā
āI think youāre going to love the song Iām working on with Chanā He said, after a while.
āYeah?āĀ
āItāsā¦a sexy, contemporary kind of R&B. I can imagine you liking itā
You only have one, predictable question, āWhen can I hear it?āĀ
He laughed, āWeāre still writing itā
You hummed, focusing on blending the ocean in your canvas, dabbing at your canvas to experiment with a new style. You savour the moments, because he hardly has this time.
āCan I say something cheesy?ā He asked, and you look up to see that heās sipping on some drink. A fancy cocktail that Chan probably made him. In the back, you can see his bed, and his things, and you wish you can see his room in Seoul.Ā
You want to know what he decorates it with, and what clutter he has there.
āYeah?ā
The way heās leaning over his webcam, you can see into his shirt. The navy button-up is loose, and the top few buttons are undone. The sleeves are rolled up, which was probably a good decision since his arms are stained with pink paint. His hands are busier too, with more rings and more bracelets on them.
Hyunjinās more boujee in the city too.
His cheeks are suddenly red as he confesses, āWhen I get stuck in the middle of the writing process, I think of you, and it really helpsā
You sat up on your knees, cherishing this new bit of information, āWhat do you think about?ā
He flushed, āYou knowā¦just our time together. Chan teases me about it. He says youāre my muse or whateverā
He doesnāt say much more, but heās so shy so you donāt ask. You donāt react as much as you want to either. You want to jump, or scream, or kick your feet giggling.Ā
Itās a moment you etch into your brain forever.
Youāre his muse, and itās fitting because heās always been yours.
As the hour passed, your focus grew, and you almost forgot he was on the other side. Almost.
Hyunjin is focused too, and heās humming a familiar tune. The call lasts for over two hours, and itās the most youāve talked to him recently.Ā
When youāre both done, you show him your canvas; he shows you his, and you marvel at his improvement. Heās painted a beautiful lighthouse, ocean waves crashing into the rocks, and he explained every color choice to you.Ā
You could hear him talk about his art forever, and you sit in awe, as he expressed his reasoning behind every aspect. Heās gotten so much better at art, and heās really a prodigy.Ā
You then do the same, lifting your canvas up to show him the landscape, and he leans in really close to the camera, eyes wide as he takes it in.
āThatās beautifulā He mumbles, still staring at your painting, āI donāt know how you do it so well every timeā
You smiled, because art was your favourite thing in the world, and Hyunjin complimenting it made your heart swell.
He was suddenly smiling, and he said, āIā¦also visited an art gallery last week. I met someoneāĀ
Your eyebrows shot up, and your smile fell so fast.
People only said that in one specific context. When they were into someone.
āYou met someone?ā
āYeahā Hyunjin smiled, āSheāsā¦this prodigy. Chan introduced me to her, sheās so young and sheās actually the owner of the entire place and guess what she said to me?ā
You didnāt want to know.
āI donāt knowā You replied, hoping your indifference wasnāt visible.
āShe said one day I could display my own work up there. Isnāt that fucking insane? I mean, I just started out with artā
āHow does she know your work?āĀ
He didnāt comment on your lack of excitement, but he just said, āOh, Chan showed it to her. I was embarrassed, but it was worth itā
āThatās really nice of herāĀ
He nodded, āYeah. She was really sweet. And oh! The reason Iām telling you this was because she used to intern for Kim Jieong, maybe she can help you out with the--ā
āNo, itās okayā Youāre quick to interrupt.
He then asked why you havenāt applied to another apprenticeship again.Ā
You put aside your paint supplies, youād lost motivation anyway. You dragged your laptop onto your bed, as you told him, āI told you. Iām not really confident, and Iām not looking forward to another rejectionā
He stopped you before you can continue, āYouāve got nothing to lose then. Please, at least try. For meā
Heās sleepy, and his eyes kept closing, but he stayed up just to convince you.
You sighed, āFine. Iāll apply, but donāt expect anything, please. Youāll be disappointedā
āYou could never disappoint meāĀ
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
Your days unfolded with a slow pace, summer fading away into the months of autumn.Ā
You found solace in your friends ā in movie nights with Minho, in spending time with Yeonjun before he had to go back to work. After all, there was only so long he could be on vacation for. He had to go back to where he belonged.Ā
It was easier to not miss Hyunjin when you were occupied, busy with your endless shifts, navigating between finding time to paint but also to enjoy the leftovers of summer.Ā
The night they finished recording the album, Hyunjin called you drunk.
Youād seen him tipsy on a few occasions, but never like this.
He was laughing about something when you picked up, talking to other people at the party. The background was loud, and you struggle to hear anything.Ā
āHyun?āĀ
āGuess what?ā He asked you.
āWhat?ā
āWe finished the album. Like, for real. Every track is actually readyā He announced, and you hear a cacophony of sounds in the background, āWeāre at my managerās apartment, all of us, and the whole crew. It feels so fucking goodā
āCongratulationsā You smile, ļæ½ļæ½Thatāsā¦really coolā
āJisung made me drinkā¦far too muchā He giggled, āI liked the wine though, Chan found it in this cool store but then me and Binnieā¦we did body shots, and guess what? Chan fucking did body shots too! It was so insane. He also invited the girl from the art gallery, which is so funny. Apparently, she has connections in our industry too. Sheās the daughter of --āĀ
āWait, you did body shots?ā You interrupted him, not really wanting to hear about the very successful artist prodigy girl in his life.
āIt was insane. Just like Seungmin told usā
You could tell he was walking around the room, because heād randomly trail off and talk to someone.
The more he rambled on the other side of the phone, the more you wished you were by his side. He must be standing near the speakers, because suddenly his voice would get drowned out by the music.
āIā¦canāt hear you, Hyunā You spoke, snuggling into your blanket.Ā
Your bed was the stark contrast of where he was right now; in a room full of pounding music, and you wondered what kind of parties they even had, or how wild they were. If they did body shots, they must already be pretty wild.
āSorryā He apologised, walking off to a quieter area, āCan you hear me now?ā
āYeah, I canā
āFuck. I miss you so fucking muchā He suddenly mumbled, voice dropping, āWhy arenāt you here?ā
āI miss you tooā Your heart squeezed, āBut you should get back to the partyāā
āWhoa, whoa, whoa. Is that Y/N?ā A loud voice interrupted, and you heard a loud struggle on the other end, making you pull back from the phone.
āGive me the phone back, Changbin!ā Hyunjin yelled.
You sat up in bed, āHello?ā
āHey!ā Changbinās voice was louder than you expected, and he sounded really drunk too, āYou must be the girl who stole him away from us for months and months. I have every reason to hate youā
āStop!ā Hyunjin spoke in the background, āDonāt announce it to the entire partyā
āNow youāve taken him back thoughā You replied to Changbin.
āEh, youāre rightā He laughed, āSo tell me, on a scale of 1 to 10āā
āChangbin, give me my phone back!ā Hyunjin sounded exasperated, and you could imagine them running after each other.
āLet me finish!ā He groaned, and then his voice became clearer again, āOn a scale of 1-10, how big of a dumbass is Hwang Hyunjin forā?ā
āFuck. Is that her?ā Another person interrupted in the background, and you felt overwhelmed by the multitude of voices.Ā
āJisung, can you please ask him to give me my phone back?ā Hyunjin sounded annoyed now, voice further.
āIām sorry, this prick wonāt let me talk to you for five whole minutes!ā Changbin apologised, and youād never met him but his energy seemed exactly like youād imagined.
Still, you could hear Jisung in the background, struggling after the phone, and it made you feel special. They were miles away at a fucking album party, but gave their attention to you.
āIs that Hyunjinās girlfriend?ā
Your eyes widened at the word.
Hyunjinās frustrated drawl interrupted, further away from the speaker but you still heard it, āStop, Jisung. Sheās just my friend. How many times do I have to say that, and donāt announce it to the party!ā
Your smile faded, stupidly. He was right.Ā
āThen I can have her?ā Changbin interrupted.
There was another scuffle, until Hyunjin was at the phone again, āHey, Iām so sorry. Theyā¦took you hostageā
A breathy chuckle followed, drowned out by his friends laughs in the background.
āThatās okay. Donāt worry about itā You fiddled with your blanket, āYou should enjoy the party, Hyunā
āNo, no, I called you because I missed youā
āI canāt really even hear youā You spoke, āWe can just talk tomorrow. Please just have a good time tonight, okay?ā
āAll right. Iāll call you laterā Hyunjin spoke, like he was distracted by someone.
āWho are you talking to you?ā An unknown voice interrupted, and you guessed they were probably talking to Hyunjin.
And you heard Hyunjin mumble, āNobodyā before he hung up.
You laid back in bed, and it was too quiet, and you felt lonelier than ever.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
Fallen leaves drifted in the pool, from the canopy up above. One drifts towards you, and you picked it up in your hands, watching the water seep through the half-eaten leaf. Itās orange.
āThe leaves are already changing colorā¦or is it just me?ā
āItās just youā Minho answered, and you roll your eyes.
āWhat are you doing here all by yourself?ā He asked, swimming over to you, āThe rest of the party is over thereā
āIām not really interested in playingā You told him, looking over to where everyone indulged in a pool volleyball game.
āSo youāre out here looking at leaves. God, Iām lucky to be your best friendā
āShut upā You shove him, and he laughs, falling into the water.
As soon as he resurfaces, he splashes you.
āDonāt be annoying, Minhoā You mumbled, rubbing the saltwater out from your eyes.
āYouāre no funā He grumbles, and lays on his back to float in the water.
You stare at the leaves floating around you again, drifting into a pattern, and a sole flower is in between them. A dahlia.
āCanāt believe summer is almost overā You remark.
āYou sure made the most of it though, Y/Nā He smiled, eyes squinting against the bright overhead sun. You donāt respond, and he lifts his head to look at you.
āWhat?ā He asked, āYou canāt deny that itās the most eventful summer weāve ever hadā
You peered down at your nails, the paint was chipping off, āRight. Losing my best friends sure is memorableā
āYou didnāt lose them, Y/Nā
You gestured to the space around you, that usually would be occupied by Hana or Felix, āI donāt see them hereā
Minho sighed, swimming closer to you, āWhatās got you in such a mood?ā
You shook your head, feeling silly for feeling this way, āNothingāĀ
He rolled his eyes, āTell meā
You sighed, fixing the straps of your bikini to avoid looking him in the eye, āHana tried to talk to me a few days ago. She wanted to fix things, but I didnāt. Does that make me a horrible person?ā
āDo you feel like a horrible person?ā
You looked up at him, āNo. Iā¦chose my peace over another fight. I think I made the right decisionā
āYou knew the answer to that already, Y/N. Then what is bothering you?ā
āFine. Hyunjin called me last night, from the release partyāĀ
āAnd thatās a bad thingā¦why?ā
āNot really, I guess it put things into perspective. Heāsā¦out there being successful and celebrating that success, and Iām here, doing absolutely nothing.ā
āYouāre at a pool party with me. Thatās not nothingā
āYou know what I meanā You sighed, leaning against the pool wall, āHeās probably even going to display his stuff at an art gallery soon. Some girl fell in love with his artā¦and heās always busyā¦in a totally insane location, or doing something so fucking cool, and Iām in the stupid art shopā
His texts have been less than frequent. You understand, because heās swamped with work. The press tour has been underway for a week now, and if he wasnāt at some fancy magazine building, he was probably holed up in the studio for re-recordings. Thereās still time till the album's release, and if you know anything about the band, theyāre perfectionists. Theyāll work themselves to the bone, till the end.
āWell, yeah. Heāsā¦an idol, with a crazy fucking life. Youāre living a normal life. He would probably give everything to exchange places with you, and not have anything to doā
āI guess youāre rightā You realised, and you glance up to see Yeonjun.
Heās laughing loudly, sunglasses on his head, as he throws the ball to the other team. Heās leaving soon, and this pool party is a going away gift. After all, heās the only one of your friends with a pool. Yeonjun looks happy, and beautiful in the sun. It was low-key, exactly like Yeonjun wanted it, and youāre so glad Minho and him are on talking terms again.
āAnd I donāt believe you. Thatās not why youāre upsetā Minho spoke, blocking the boy from your view.
āWhy canāt you just take my word for it?ā
āBecause I know when youāre lying to me. So tell me, whatās got you being so bitchy to your only friend within 35 miles?ā
āOuch!ā He yelled, when you pushed him again.
āStop being a smartassā
āYouāve been floating on cloud nine the past few weeks, whatās wrong now?ā
You stare back at Yeonjun, as he dives to retrieve his sunglasses, and his other friends are teasing him.
āI never told you but I applied to an apprenticeship in the cityā You blurted.
Minhoās eyebrows shot up, āWhat? Today?ā
āNoā¦a few months ago. At the start of summerāĀ
His brows were furrowed, confused, āOhā
āThatās kind of why Iāve been working all these jobsā¦so I could save up one day and move to the cityā
He swam closer to you, āWhy are you telling me this now?ā
You shrugged, and the water feels nice and calm around you, āI thought youād hate me for itā
Heās quiet for a few minutes, āThatās not true. Iād like to think Iāve grown from when Yeonjun left. I mean Iām at his party right now. Isnāt that saying a lot?ā
You smiled at him, āThatās probably why Iām telling you nowā
Minho laughed, āSo did you get it?ā
āNopeā You sighed, āI wasnāt good enough for itā
āWhat, so youāve given up already?ā
You frowned, āNo, but Iām still waiting on them to hear back. I contacted them again regarding my applicationā
Minho smiled, āHyunjin knows, right?ā
āYeahā
āOf course he knows. You tell him literally everything. Iām gonna have to fight him one dayā
You laughed, āIād pay to see thatā
He reaches forward, picking out a leaf stuck in your hair, āYou really miss him, huh?ā
āI hate texting him. Itās so impersonal and distantā
āHave you video-called him?ā
You sighed, āThrough my shitty computer screen, yeahā
āI think you need a vacation, Y/Nā He laughs.
āIāve been on vacation, like for monthsā
āNo, I mean a vacation, away from your job, away from Daejon. Just go see himā
Your eyes widen and you looked at him, āIsnāt that a bit crazy? I mean, weāre not datingā
He rolled his eyes, leaning back in to float, āThe day you stop worrying about what other people think, is the day youāll live a much better life, Y/Nā
He then begins talking about other things, but his words stick in your head, and an idea begins to form.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
You help Yeonjun pack, and on his last night in town, you sit on his couch again, talking about everything that was. He tells you of his consistent fights with Hana, and his efforts to rekindle their relationship which went in vain. Itās strange to think he came back to town, just to make things right with her.
He tells you that him and Hana have grown apart, and perhaps they were never meant to be together.Ā
He says that heās letting Hana go, and itās a bittersweet moment which you drink to.Ā
You think nothing could make you let go of Hyunjin.
When you get really tipsy, you fantasise of him even more, and scroll back through your chats, reading his old texts, smiling to yourself. Yeonjun catches you, and calls you a hopeless romantic, and youāve never thought of yourself that way, but it rings true.Ā
You both lay in bed, and you talk until he has to go, and you realise how much you hate goodbyes.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
The next time Hyunjin texted you, you were sat at the steps of the art shop, waiting for the rain to pass.Ā
hyun
hey
sorry ive been filming all day
you
ohh, what have you been filming?
didnāt the album recording finish last week?
hyun
ah no the press tour is still leftĀ
you
oh right, sorry I have no idea how this stuff works lol
hyun
right now weāre doing some promo content for a teen magazineĀ
after this we still need to go to a music video shoot
Itās for an american talk show
isnāt that crazy?
you
wowā¦
youāre going to be so popular
but i hope you can get some sleep
hyun
weāre filming till 4 am tonight
i doubt it
what are you up to?
you
um im stuck at aeras because of the rain :/
i always forget to carry an umbrella
hyun
you miss me?
You stared at the text, tears inexplicably filling your eyes, and you donāt know why.
It had only been a few weeks since he was gone, yet it felt like he was drifting away.
Of course you missed him.
You missed him an insane amount, and ever since heād been gone, youād been going through the motions of daily life, not even really enjoying anything.
He was so far away.Ā
Youād tried to not let the sadness overtake you, because it was silly and childish.
You missed his calming voice, and his hand in yours, and the taut string of tension between you every time you met.
You missed the uncertainty of Hyunjin.
The not-knowing.
With him, you could never tell. It could be a mundane afternoon, until it wasnāt. Until his hands were around you, and you were kissing, and you knew it was so wrong to be attached to that.
Your phone buzzed, and he was calling you, snapping you out of your thoughts.
āHeyā You mumbled, your voice softer and shakier than you intended.
āIs everything okayā¦?ā
āYeahā You swallowed, āSorry, I was just about to replyā
āNo, donāt worry. I just got worried. I thoughtāā He trailed off.
āWhat did you think?ā
āI thought I crossed a boundaryā¦or somethingā
You paused, trying to comprehend his words. All heād done was ask you if you missed him. How could that be a boundary when you and Hyunjin had said so much more? Done so much more?Ā
Was missing each other not even okay anymore? Was it too much for him?
Another sob threatened to break at the implication.
āY/N? Are you still there?ā He asked, voice soft and calm, not knowing the storm it brewed inside you.
You mumbled, āYes, Iām hereā
āOkayā He spoke, letting you breathe.
āIām sorry, I justā¦I guess I miss you more than I thought I wouldā You admitted, hoping it wouldnāt be too much for him. That it wouldnāt push him away.
āOhāĀ
āYeahā
āIā¦miss you too, Y/NāĀ
It calmed your racing heart.
āI wish I could see youā You fumbled through the words, āItād make me feel so muchā¦betterā
Hyunjin was quiet for a while, āIām sorryā
āItāsā¦not your faultā A smile graced your lips, because he had no reason to apologise for your lives being so separate from each other.
āIt is. Iām sorry Iāve been awayā¦I got really caught up with everything here. Seeing my friends again, having this life back, it was more overwhelming than I thought. But donāt worryā¦Iām doing really well hereā
āYeah?ā
āIāve been painting a lot more when Iām free, or when Iāve had a horrible dayā
Your heart clenched at his tone, and the implication that it was only a few weeks since he was gone but heād already had multiple horrible days.Ā
āYeah? Iām glad it helps. That meansā¦coming home wasnāt a wasteā
āA waste?ā He repeated, confused, āWhy would you say that?ā
You pulled at your laces, watching the rain fall at your footsteps, āNothing, Hyunjin. It doesnāt matterā
āYou seemā¦upset. Did I say something wrong?ā
You pulled your knees up to your chest, away from the pitter patter of the drops, āI told you. I really wish you were here. I know itās impossibleā
āYeahā¦ā
āThis morning, I was watching the newsā¦about Jisungās trial. Howās it going?ā
āItāsā¦okay. Heās so tired already, he kind of just wants to settle but the company lawyers are pushing for moreā
āIām sorry. That sounds so exhaustingā You bite your lip, because their lives are already as stressful as they could get, and this legal battle plays in the backdrop like a nuisance.
āTheyāre also restricting a lot of shit for us. We have to be careful each time we step out in public, and Jisung even has to monitor every phone callā¦same with Chan and Kairiā
āHow long is it going to last?ā
āHopefully not too long, but anyway, thatās not important right now at all. You sound upset. How are you?ā He asks, voice becoming softer all of a sudden.
You fear youāre going to sound like a broken record if you tell him you miss him again. These days you seem to fill all your silences with just those words. Would he get sick of hearing them? Is this how long distance relationships are like? Endlessly telling each other you miss them, but never being able to do anything about it.
Instead, you end up saying something absolutely crazy, āHyun, can I come see you?ā
You donāt intend for the words to leave your brain, much less your mouth. In fact, you didnāt even know you were going to say them. You havenāt had time to plan, but Minhoās conversation rings through you. Youāve been saving up to go to Seoul your whole life. You can spare a vacation. It would be worth it if it means you see him.
Hyunjin is quiet, and then he breaks the silence with a chuckle, āW-what?ā
āUm, sorry that sounds out of nowhere. I justā¦I really want to meet you. I miss you, and it sounds like youāre going through a lot. Maybe itāll helpā You trail off, leaving the suggestion up in the air.
āIā¦Iām not sure, Y/Nā
You nod, because it is crazy, āYeah?ā
āYeah. Fuck, Iām so sorry but Iā¦I donāt think I can meet you. Right now, with everything thatās going on, I honestly donāt have the time andā¦ā He trails off.
You nod again, āYeah. I understandā
āIām sorryā
āItās okay. Itās bad timingā
āItās bad timingā He repeats, yet his tone is definitive and final.
You canāt seem to see a time in the future which would get better. After the album release, he was going to go on a press tour, and then start preparing for the next album, the music videos, the solo photoshootsā¦the world tour.
Hyunjin was never going to have time for this, and your throat becomes clogged with a broken dream.
He sighed, softly, āHow are you going to get home then, if itās raining?ā
āIāll wait it outā
āWhat if it rains till morning?ā
You smiled, your silence saying enough.
āIāll stay with youā He says.
Your brows shot up, āWhat? Donāt you haveā¦a schedule or an interview to get to?ā
His voice came in softly, āIt doesnāt matter. Iāll stay with you, till the rain endsā
Now, you wished it would never end.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
The incessant abuse of your doorbell woke you up. It had been pressed countless times, and it was half past nine.Ā
Why the hell would anybody come to see you this early?
Last night, Hyunjin had stayed on the call as youād walked home by yourself. You didnāt talk the whole way, of course. In between, he would be quiet, and youād only hear the rustling of papers and his pencil as he sketched away in his condominium. Youād hear his breaths, and occasionally, heād say something.Ā
In moments like this, he was a man of few words. You appreciated that, because it was nice, to just exist with him. Although, you were slightly embarrassed at how many times you told him you missed him.
Turning over in your bed, you pushed the pillow over your head to make the noise disappear.Ā
A buzzing of your phone, followed by another short bursts of the doorbell made you sit up.
Who could be here to see you, so urgently, and so fucking impatiently?
āWhat the hellā You mumbled, getting out of bed, and rushing barefoot on the cold tiles, to answer, and in your sleepy daze you hoped it was him. That by some miracle, Hyunjin had heard your wishes and come to see you.
On the other side of the door, with bagels in hand, stood Felix.Ā
A hood pulled over his head to protect from the rain, he certainly looked a vision.Ā
Your sleep disappeared, in lieu of confusion, āYongbok?ā
He smiled, perfect teeth on display, āMorning. Iā¦see that you were still asleepā
You hugged yourself, realising how exposed you were in your sleep shorts and tank. Although that had never been a problem around him before, āI mean yeahā¦itās barely tenā
He cocked his head, āItās almost noonā
āWhat?ā Your heart dropped, āYouāre kidding meā
āIām really notā He laughed, and then said, āAre you going to let me in? Itās freezing out hereā
You realised he was standing in the pouring rain, and you stepped back, āOh, of courseā
You still didnāt know what he was doing here, but years of friendship fell back into place and you let him in.
He pulled the hood off, shaking his hair to get the water out, and looked apologetic, āSorry, I just showed up. I did try texting you, and I thought youād be awakeā
āI got in late last nightā You told him, still standing against your open door, watching Felix in your foyer.
āOh, were you stuck because of the rain? You could have called me, Iād have come picked you upāĀ
āNo, thatās okay. I was on a callā
Realisation crossed his features, āRight. How is he?ā
Slight irritation coursed through you, āI didnāt say it was himā
Felix nodded, looking genuinely apologetic, āSorry. My mistake.ā
But of course, he was right because it was Hyunjin you were talking to, but you wouldnāt admit that now, and you held back a groan.Ā
His eyes flickered over your body, āWhy are you still standing at the door? Youāll catch a coldā
āWhat are you doing here?ā You hugged yourself tighter, well-aware that you didnāt even have a bra on, āThe last time I saw you, you said you didnāt want to be friends with me anymoreā
His eyebrows shot up, and he stared at you.
For a second, you did regret it. It was too early to fight. It was too beautiful a morning for this.
Until he laughed, nervously, āUmā¦thatās not what I meant. Is that what you got from it?ā
You frowned, āWhat?ā
He shook his head, āUm, I guess I really didnāt get the point across. I thought you understood me that night. Isnāt that why youāre avoiding me?ā
Your head hurt, āIām not avoiding youā¦Youāre confusing me, Felix. Itās too early for thisā
āIām sorry, youāre right. Hey, look, why donāt you get dressed, and take a shower, and I can make us some coffeeā¦and heat up these bagels by then? After that, maybe we could talk?ā
āTalk about what?ā
You couldnāt understand him.
āAbout everything. I realise Iāve been apologising for my actions, but never really explaining why I acted that way this whole timeā
But he had been your friend your entire lifeā¦so you would hear him out now.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
He sat at your breakfast table, warm bagels laid out across a plate, with two hot cups of coffee.
You sat across him, pulling your feet up, eyeing his movements.
It wasnāt alien to youā¦this kindness of his. He had done this countless times before, showed up at your house uninvited, but this time was different, of course.
āI really am sorry for waking you up. I genuinely thought youād be awake, I thought you had a shift at Aeraāsā
āI havenāt had a shift at Aeraās on Tuesday, everā You responded.
āOhā He laughed, āMaybe I should have memorised your work schedule back when you started working thereā¦I guess I always assumed it was a temporary jobā
You bit into a bagel, unable to hold back your hunger, and it instantly melted in your mouth. A rush of endorphins flooded through you, and you sat back for a minute, letting the taste sit with you, letting your body wake up.
Felix watched you, a soft smile on his face, āYou like them?ā
āYou didnāt have to bake these for meā You spoke, staring at your feet, perched on the chair.
āBut I didā He reached his hand out, across the table, āHow are you doing?ā
You glanced up at him, āIāmā¦fineā
He frowned, āYour eyes are all swollen. I know what that meansā
You pulled your hand back from his, āItās nothing. Iām just tired of summerā
He sat back, eyebrows raised, āThose are words I never thought Iād hear from youā
āWellā¦you wonāt really understand, Lixā
He slid the cup of coffee towards you, āTry meāĀ
You stared at him, eyes flickering between his, and then reached forward for the cup, āI donāt know. I feel tired of everything lately. I donāt really want to make an effort to go out. I go to work, and back, and so on. Itās kind of a futile existenceā
āI go to the Creek every night. You can come with meā
You hugged yourself, āYeah, but I just feel like thereās more I should be doingā
His tongue poked his cheek, āYou meanā¦that art apprenticeshipāĀ
You glanced up at him, heart heavy, āI lost thatā
āIām sorry. You could have told me, you know?ā
Youāve been hearing that a lot recently, but you know keeping it a secret was the only way it could have worked. He said he would have understood, but you knew him better than that.
āI was afraid of losing you, butā¦ā You laughed, āThat happened anywayā
He shook his head, pulling his chair closer to yours, āAt the drive-in theatre, when I said I didnāt want us to be friends againā¦I didnāt mean it like that. There was more I wanted to say, which I couldnātā
āWow, youāre really getting right to itā
He laughed, āWhat? So, would you prefer we talk about nonsense for another hour? I know why Iām here, Iād feel better if you know tooā
You werenāt sure you wanted to hear this, but you nodded, āKeep goingā
āI guess what I wanted to say wasā¦ā He paused, and when your eyes met his, you realised he was actually nervous.
āYeah?ā
His eyes squeezed shut, and then opened, āI was really fucking jealousā
āOfā¦what?ā
He laughed, a sound youād loved all these years, āOfā¦Hyunjin. Obviously. Who else?ā
āFelixā¦we talked about this. You have nothing to be jealous about. Just because heās in my life now, does not mean you canāt beā
He laughed, āNo, thatās not what Iām jealous of. I donāt really care if heās in your lifeā
āThen what?āĀ
He sighed, leaning forward, and this angle put him in the path of sunlight. It lit up his face, highlighting the freckles splashed across his nose bridge, and his cheeks, and you saw his lips part to form the words, āYou love him.ā
Confusion arising, you frowned, āFelixāā
āLet me finishā He laughed, āItāsā¦been obvious for monthsā
You were embarrassed, to say the least.
He tilt his head, āHas it not been obvious to you?āĀ
Your face flushed, from the frustration and the embarrassment, āWhat, my feelings for him?ā
āNo. My feelings for you"
He said it so simply.
So fucking simple, and you couldnāt even react.
You sat there, looking at him.
Putting together his words in your mind. Again. And Again.
You misheard him. You had to.
āYongbokā
āIt is what you think it isā He paused, āI really thought that you knewā
āYouā¦ā A nervous laugh escaped you, and it wasnāt your proudest moment, āYou have feelings for me? Youāre fucking with me, right?ā
You wanted to ask why. But you didnāt.
āSince when?ā
āI donāt knowā He leaned back, āIā¦didnāt really realise it until, well, this summerā
āOhā
āYeahā He swallowed, āBut I know that you donāt feel the same, and I was acting stupid. It was dumb of meā
You stared at him and donāt know how you didnāt realise this. How did you not put two and two together? You felt so fucking dumb for missing all the hints, and all the clues.Ā
āYongbok. Iā¦um, I donāt know what to say. Sorry, Iām justā¦overwhelmed and confusedā
"You donāt have to say anythingā He laughed, āYouāre likeā¦my best friend in the fucking universe. I know that doesnāt sound like much, because I mean, weāre twenty and best friends makes it sound like weāre in elementary, but itās true. Youāre literally the most consistent person in my life, and Iām always fucking happy around you. Not just happy, but at peace. Iām happy with Hana, and Minho, and Eunbi too, but with you, itās like Iām home.ā
You couldnāt look him in the eye, āFelixā¦ā
āIām sorry for all the times I yelled at you. Iām fucking terrible at holding back my frustration, and I was still navigating myā¦emotions. I could lie and say I never meant to hurt you when we had all those arguments, but I did. I did want you to feel the kind of hurt I did. Thatās probably the biggest red flagā He laughed, āBut holy shit, Y/N, you have no idea what it took for me to tell you this. With him being here, I just couldnāt because thatās so fucking cliche, itād be like I was asking you to chooseā
You stared at him, uncomfortable, unable to comprehend the extent of his words, āYou should have told meā
āIām telling you now. I know itās awkward for you, but I have nothing to loseā He chuckled, āIām not asking you out, or anything. I just want you to know because it was driving me crazy keeping it to myself. In fact, I was never planning to tell you, but the night of my birthday party, during that stupid spin the bottle game, when we kissed, I thought you felt the sameā
You remembered the kiss.Ā
It had surprised you how much you liked it.
āI mean, youāre a really good kisserā You admitted, picking from crumbs from the bagel.
He laughed, āAm I?ā
āYeahāĀ
āI tryā He smirked, and you know he was trying to lighten the mood. It was so typical of him to make jokes out of an awkward situation, āYouāre a really good kisser too. I know after the party, I gave you a 7.5 on the kissing scale, butā¦I was obviously kiddingā
You looked up at him, āReally?ā
He nodded, still smiling, āIām sure Hyunjin would agree with meā
Just like that, the bubble popped.
Your smile fell.
āSorryā He apologised, āYou guys have kissed, right?ā
āYeahā
āAnd he still went back to Seoul?ā He laughed, āMan, being an idol really sucksā
āYongbokā¦ā
āOkayā He laughed, āIām sorry. I was just trying to make you laughā
You didnāt know what this was, or what to make of it.
What are you supposed to say that? You felt an obligation, to return his feelings, despite all the arguments you had in the recent months, you wish you could return them.Ā
You didnāt want to be the one breaking his heart, or anybodyās.Ā
Is this how Hyunjin would feel if youād told him you loved him?Ā
Would you have also lightened your inevitable rejection by stupid humour?Ā
You donāt know what you can possibly say to Yongbok, to make things okay.
So later, when heās helping you wash the cups, foam-filled hands, you ask him, āAre you going to be okay?ā
Yongbok looks up at you, a soft smile on his features, and you again realise how beautiful he looked in the sunlight. His skin is lit up, a kindness in his eyes has returned, like a weight was lifted off his shoulders, and he tells you heās okay.
He tells you not to worry, and that you owe him nothing. He then dips his hand in the foamy sink, reaching up to smear some on your nose, a childlike laughter filling your kitchen.
You wonder if you would feel the same relief, if you confessed the truth to Hyunjin.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
Your phone rings later that evening, and itās Hyunjin.
He asks you if youāre okay, and if youāre better than you were yesterday.
You were on the brink of tears last night.
Today, you are better.
Yongbokās words come back to you, and you wonder why you donāt love him. It sure would have made everything a little easier.Ā
Everything makes sense now, the way heās been acting all summer, his behaviour around Hyunjin, and you feel a little stupid for being so oblivious to it.
When you drift off into thought, Hyunjin asked you again, if you were okay.
āI met Yongbokā You responded.
His voice lit up, at your rekindled friendship, āYeah? What did you guys do?ā
You tell him about the bagels, and the coffee, and because you can never keep anything from Hyunjin, you end up blurting, āHe told me he loves me. That he has his entire lifeā
You donāt know why you say it. Youāre looking for a reaction. Or for consolation.
But Hyunjin is quiet on the other end, and he doesnāt say much for the rest of the night, and you wonder if you should have just kept it to yourself.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
Hyunjin doesnāt call you the next day, or the next, or the one after that.Ā
You try to distract yourself, stealing away work hours into painting.Ā
Each brushstroke soothed you, and you pour out your emotions.Ā
Unrequited love is a bitch, and you feel guilty every time you see Felix, but heās more than okay. You canāt imagine being the same.Ā
Your paintings end up all looking really sad. They make you feel sad when you look at them, and you realise youāre only painting of longing.
Hyunjin finally texts you.
Itās only to tell you that Chan and Kairi broke up.
He doesnāt say much more, but he doesnāt have to.
You knew what they meant to them, and perhaps this breakup impacted him more than them.
You go back to painting your solitude.Ā
Itās calming, under the glow of your lamp, tucked in a corner of your room, you lose yourself in your art.Ā
Autumn is closer than it was yesterday, and it makes you sad. Summer is further away in your past now, and so is he.
Hyunjinās texts get less frequent, as the days go by.
You feel obsessive, you feel just a little crazy.
You feel like a teenage girl waiting for her crush to call back.
Your heart breaks a little more with each hour that he doesnāt call.
Youāre worried all the time, if he was okay.
You read about the scandals on the news, and the rumours on the internet, and some of them involve him but most of them involve Jisung.Ā
Yeonjun keeps you updated on the trial, and all the press outlets that Jisung has sued.Ā
Hyunjin doesnāt have space in his life for a relationship, but as days pass, it feels like he doesnāt for a friendship either.
hyun
hey yn
im so sorry
iāve had a horrible schedule the past few days
theyāre really trying to make up for everything I missed
i havenāt been sleeping much and i justā¦havenāt got much time on my phone
my managers have been really strict
they limit my activities on there
but donāt worry im okay
i spend most of my time in the studio
i miss you too. a lot
His replies soothe you, more than your own art ever could.Ā
You fall into a habit. You check the news each morning, even before your first sip of coffee, worried if heās okay.
Hyunjin keeps telling you heās fine, and you force yourself to believe him.
He sends you pictures of his art, and you notice how much heās improved. Heās using all of the techniques you taught him. Heās painting about all of his days in your hometown.
Other nights, you donāt hear from him at all.
You feel it falling apart, and your heart breaks.
One day, he asks you about Yongbok again.Ā
You question if you should never have told him about the confession.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
The day his album releases, you listen to it before anybody in the world, or at least youād like to believe so.Ā
Itās beautiful, and itās raw. Itās a mix of every genre you can imagine. Hyunjin sings about love like heās been in it. The album is more beautiful than you could anticipate, and you can already see the headlines surrounding itās success.
Felix takes you to a store in Samhae, so you can purchase it for yourself, and when you find yourself in a line of twenty girls talking about him, you feel like fighting them.
You borrow Yuqiās car, so you can push the CD into the stereo, and hear it before you can even get home.
The music Hyunjin makes is beautiful as him, and you hear the vocal fry, and the cadence he speaks with, and you fall in love with him even more.
It feels like cheating, as Felix sits in the passenger seat, listening to the same songs.
You wanted to ask him what he thinks of the album, but you hold back.
When you got home, you sat in the darkness of your room, and listened to it again, just by yourself.Ā
You called him to tell him what you think of it, but heās at a party and he has no time for this.Ā
So you end up keeping your thoughts just to yourself.Ā
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
You stared at the letter mail within your hands.
It arrived a few days ago, but you hadnāt noticed it until now.
It had been lying in your mailbox, gathering dust, and you stood on the sidewalk, wondering how you the hell you missed it.
It was from the city.
Your heart dropped into your gut, as you ripped open the envelope, making sure not to damage the contents inside.
You took a deep breath.
Holy shit.
It was going to be a rejection.
It had to be.
You stood absolutely still on the pavement, unfolding the letter. Itās so thin youāre afraid youāre going to rip it.
You canāt read this alone. You wish Hyunjin would here, itād probably feel less scary.
But you canāt wait either. You need to know now.
You scanned the paper, yet your brain couldnāt comprehend the sentences, and skipped forward, registering only certain words. Like a record skipping.
A word stands out to you.
Congratulations.
And then you go back to the start of the letter, trying to make sense of what you just read, but your heart is already beating out of your chest and you think youāre going to pass out.
Congratulations.
Kim Jieong would be honoured to have you join him as an apprentice for his Fall Program in Painting at the Atelier of the Arts in Seoul, South Korea.
You reread the words until they were seared into your mind, and into your heart.
You read them until the paper became wet with droplets, and you realise you were crying.Ā
On the side of the sidewalk.Ā
Then you read them again.
You folded the piece of paper into your pocket, and you texted the boy you loved.
hyunjin!
when can i call you?
i have something to tell you
itās really important
You wait for his answer, but your message doesnāt deliver.
So you sat down on your front porch, trying to calm your heart but youāre bursting with excitement and anticipation. Youāve already texted Felix and Minho, but youāre only waiting for one personās reaction.
You need to tell him now.Ā
He could be busy. He could be at work, or in bed, but you donāt care.
He has to be the first to know.
You find yourself dialling his number, and your hands are shaking, and your heart is trembling.
Hyunjin doesnāt pick up.
And youāre met with an unfamiliar message.
āWe're sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service.ā
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
THREE MONTHS LATER
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
āTake my hand if you donāt wanna fallāĀ
You looked up, and Felix is smiling down at you, the sun a halo around his head.
Heās got pink skates on, and it suits him.Ā
The brightness of them stands out in the park.
āYouāre awfully confident for someone whoās fallen overā¦thrice now?ā Minho laughs, coming to stand next to you, arms on his hips.
āIāll be fine, Lixā You smiled, tightening the laces of your roller-skates.
āLet me at least help you upā He insisted.
You nodned, letting him take your hand and pull you up. Youāre inches from him when you stand up, and he smiled at you.
āSee you at the rink in a few?ā He tilt his head.
āIāll see you, Lixā
He let go of your hand, and you miss the steadiness it gave you, but almost instantly Minho comes to your side. With a hand on your back, he leads you to the rink. Youāre still getting used to these roller-skates, and youāve fallen over more than youād liked.
āArenāt you glad I dragged you out here?ā He nudged you.
āSureā You smiled at him, trying to match his pace.Ā
Itās a beautiful day at the park. Thereās a harvest festival, where Felix bobbed for apples, and you cheered for him. Then Minho forced you all onto the rink, bringing you a new pair of skates since you couldnāt find your old ones. As you skated around the park with your friends, it almost feels like the old days.
The leaves had changed color.
The days were shorter now, and the sun hung low in the sky, the temperature dropping to single digits.
With the onset of fall, you stopped swimming in the Creek, and the fireflies disappeared, and you never left the house without a cardigan anymore.Ā
Aeraās kept you busy, and so did the weekends at The ChĆ¢teau. You and Seungmin grew even closer, and you found joy in interacting with travelling tourists, searching for artistic pursuits and adventure in your little town.Ā
Felix explored his love for baking with you, and you recreated everything in his recipe bookā¦ except for the strawberry streusels. Yeonjun consistently kept in touch with, and told you of his life in the city, the drama in his workplace, and about the cute new girl that sat across him at work.Ā
You fell in love with the palette of autumn, and all your artworks became tinged with shades of orange and red. All of your sweaters became tainted with paint splatters, and the walls of your room became full with your memories of the summer.
āAre you going to take these with you? I bought them for you, full-price mind youā Minho asked you.
You sighed, āI donāt knowā
āThere has to be places in Seoul to skate inā He thought, and grabbed your hand so you can speed up. You smiled, feeling the wind on your face, desperately trying to not lose your balance.
āI donāt think I have space in my suitcaseā You told him, as he stopped.Ā
Felix is on the other side, and heās smiling at you. He looks cute, and heās with his sister. Sheās in matching pink rollerblades, and Felix has spent more than an hour teaching her how to skate.
Thereās a couple next to them, and theyāre holding hands and skating, and they keep kissing, and your chest hurts with the thought of him.
You havenāt been able to talk to him in monthsā¦
He doesnāt even know you got into the program.
His number changed, and he closed all of private social media.
āHey?ā Minho said, turning your head to look at him, and he can read your mind, āYouāll find him once you get to the city, itās only a matter of timeā
You frowned, āHow? I donāt even know where he livesā¦I donāt even know if heās okayā
āWell, you obviously know heās aliveā Minho joked, āHe looks pretty good in all the interviews they didā
āIām just worried about himā You mumbled, āIt feels weird to go this long without hearing from himā
āItās probably something with the company. Hyunjin told you how controlling they were, didnāt he?ā
āYeah, butā¦heās not a kid. How can they control this shit in his life?ā
Youāve had this same conversation millions of times before, over the past three months, but you still canāt understand what happened. You had tried every way to get in touch with him, but with how famous he was right nowā¦it was impossible.
Itās not even like you can go to Facebook and add him as a fucking friend.Ā
āI can ask Felix to tryā Minho asked.
āNoā You insist, āItās not gonna make a difference. It doesnāt matter anyway. Iāll see him soonā
You canāt help but have hope. At the beginning, you were worried, and then you were angry but now youāre just confused. You know heād never change his contact information without telling you, or even Minho, or Seungmin.Ā
Something went wrong.
A huge reason youāre excited to go to Seoul, is so you can finally meet him, and know what happened, how heās been, and if heās okay.
You heard Felix call out to you.
āWait, Y/Nā Minho grabbed your arm, āIām sure heās even more upset than youā
Over the past few months, Minho has discussed all of his theories with you, about what could have happened. Heās so sure, that Hyunjinās company is involved. You want to believe him, because thereās no way Hyunjin would do this.
āWhat are you two gossiping about?ā Felix asked, skating over to you, and from where you stand, he really looked like a fairy, long hair blowing in the wind.
āNothing importantā You smiled at him, āWanna skate with me now?ā
āAlwaysā He grinned. You let him take your hand, and pull you around the rink, guiding you through groups of friends, children and couples.Ā
āWhat are you wearing to the party tonight?ā He asks, after a while, and his hand landed on your waist, helping you balance.
āWhatever outfit I havenāt packedā You admitted, honestly.
āCome on, youāre the star of the nightā He spun in front of you, āYou should wear the blue dress, the one you wore to Yeonjunās party last yearā
Tonight is the going away party that Minho is throwing for you. You canāt believe itās already time. You leave tomorrow.
Everything has been building up to this, and youāre so excited, you think you could burst. Youāre anxious too, because everything has to go right, itās only what youāve been dreaming about.
Your acceptance letter is tucked into a book, and it feels like only yesterday that you found out, but itās already been months.
The night you got accepted, Felix baked you a chocolate cake. You were too shaken up, and confused about the fact that you couldnāt get through to Hyunjin, but you had to celebrate.
Felixā¦ distracts you from all your worries. Youāre grateful for his company.
āI donāt want to be the starā You told him.
Felix rolled his eyes, āYou deserve it, love, and you have no choiceā
You had been anxious about Hyunjin for months, confused, and heartbroken, but you have bigger things to worry about.
The program starts in a week, and you donāt have enough time to prepare.
Yet, youāve been preparing for it all your life.
The money youāve saved up happens to just be enough for a studio apartment, and Yeonjun helped you find a place in a busy neighbourhood.
Not that it mattered.
You would sleep in the subway if you had to, if it means youāll get to learn from The Kim Jieong. The artist youāve looked up to all your life, your inspiration, your muse, and your everything.
Later that night, Minho helped you pack, and you take only what you need. You canāt afford to leave your supplies at home, like he did, so you packed all of them. You keep aside the tattered brushes, because the city kids would definitely disapprove.Ā
Your suitcase filled up quickly, with an array of watercolours, and acrylics, and pastels, and you compromised on your clothes.
You only pack your favourite coat, and your dark sweaters, and the skirts you didnāt wear here yet.
The going away party is small, and you love and hate every part of it. You wear the blue dress Felix wanted you to. Everybody there tells you youāll do well, and you wonder if any of them secretly resent you, if they think youāre another person who gave into the city's false charms. Everybody who moves to the city from a small town is always celebrated, but you know youāll probably be hated when youāre actually gone.
Youāre in such a daze throughout, you donāt realise the importance of that night.
Youāre not going away for long, but itās still a huge deal.
The apprenticeship has a low acceptance rate, and they hardly take any students from Korea. Itās mostly international kids, and you canāt believe you get the chance to be amongst them.
After the party, you and Felix stay to help Minho clean up, and you stand on the threshold of the doorway, to catch your breath. Felix threw away the last of the beer bottles, and stood opposite you, leaning on the other end.
Your arms are folded behind your back, and you smile at him.
āI canāt believe Seonmi tried to get us to play spin the bottle againāĀ
You sigh, āIām glad Minho shut them downā
Felix laughs, and then his shoulders sag as the laughter dies down, āHow are you feeling?ā
āTiredā You tell him, āButā¦Iām really fucking excited tooā
āI canāt believe youāre leavingā He mumbles, for the tenth time that night, and he pushes his hands in his pockets.
āItās not like Iām moving away foreverā You tell him, āThe apprenticeship is just a temporary programā
āBut isnāt the point of it to get a job in the city?ā He asks.
āThereās only a few spots open, for the people that perform the bestā
āThen youāre definitely not coming backā He says, smiling, placing unwavering faith in you.
āWeāll seeā You shrug.
āIs he coming to pick you up from the station?ā He asks.
You nod, āIf he can make it. Heās been busy recentlyā
āYou promise to keep me in your life?ā He suddenly asks, tilting his head. You notice his hairās grown longer in the fall, falling to his shoulders. The blonde suits him, the glow of the porch lights sharpen his cheekbones, and the shadows on his face.
āYouād push your way back, even if I didnātā You tell him.
He laughs, knowing itās the truth, āIāve had the privilege of knowing you since we wereā¦kids. Iām never letting you go, you know that?ā
His words are meant to comfort you, but the irony doesnāt fail to strike.
He must have noticed the fall in your expression, because he steps forward, āHey, hey. Whatās wrong?ā
āIāmā¦kind of a little terrifiedā You admit, eyes downcast, watching the pink shoelaces of Felixās worn-out shoes.
āYouāve been painting your whole life. Everybodyās going to fall in love with you there, I can bet my life on thatā
āI only need Kim Jieong to fall in love with meā You joke.
āAnd he will. Youāll spare no oneā
You swallow, āThank you. I know you never really wanted me to move away. But Iām really glad you understand how much this means to meā
āI rather you be away from me than be miserable in this little townā He admits, and his finger meets the end of your chin. He tilts your head up, so youāre looking him right in the eye.
āThat doesnāt sound like youā You mumble.
He rolls his eyes, āI know. The things I do for youā
You smile, āThank youā
āIām really gonna miss youā He admits, āYouāll come home for the next summer though, right?ā
You nod, and his hand is still on your chin, āOf course. Iāll be hereā
His lips pull up into a smile, and his eyes are bright, and the freckles on his skin look far too much like stardust right now.
āYouāll be here. Thatās why summerās my favourite seasonā He mumbles, but his voice is suddenly hoarse now, half of his words lost in his mouth.Ā
Heās staring right at you, and you feel the breath leave your lungs.Ā
It reminds you of the night of his birthday and how he came to your rescue, kissing you to save you from embarrassment.
āCan I kiss you?ā He suddenly asks you, the depth of his voice prickling through you.
Apparently, he was thinking of the same thing.
The words throw you for a loop, but yet they donāt.Ā
He knows you donāt feel the same way for him. He knows that youāre in love with someone else. But he still asks. Itās a goodbye kiss. It doesnāt mean much more.Ā
So, you say yes, and he swallows your words in a kiss.
He presses you up against the doorway, but he doesnāt deepen the kiss. His lips move against yours, and his hands hold you, and all you can think about how is how different this feels.
Itās not that youāve given up on Hyunjin. In fact, in a few days, youāll be closer to him than youāve ever been, under the same night sky, breathing the same air.
Your hands stay behind you, pressed into the doorway, and you feel the slightest urge to run them through his hair, but you donāt.Ā
Felix kisses you sweetly, and when he pulls away, thereās no awkwardness. He lets out a laugh, pulling playfully at your cheeks and mumbles something about making sure you donāt miss the train in the morning.
That night, when youāre packing away the last of your things, you reached for the sketchbook you had left at Hyunjinās house. It laid by your bedside, but you havenāt opened it in weeks. You decided to take it with you, if only for the memories and the sketches youāll make on the journey.
As you reach to put it in your suitcase, something dropped from within its pages and landed on the wooden floor.
Frowning, you bent down to pick it up.Ā
Itās a vertical photo strip, and when you flip it over, your breath stops in your throat.
Itās the pictures from the photobooth.
Of you and Hyunjin kissing, in the pink lights.
How the fuck did that get in here?
Youāre absolutely sure he had deleted them, right in front of your own eyes.
It stirs memories within you, plunging you right back into that moment, the hot, heavy kisses that you shared, the tightness with which he gripped your hips, the urgency with which you touched each other.
Your core tightened, and you sit on the floor to take a breath.
You stared at the strip of pictures. Your first instinct is to text him, and ask where he got them, but you canāt even contact him.Ā
Itās another question you canāt wait to ask him, when you finally see him again.
A tsunami of feelings overwhelms you, and you know that you canāt blame him for this sudden rift between you, because you can still feel the intensity with which he held you, and moments like that canāt be temporary.
A new buzz runs through your veins, and you hold the photo strip tight to your chest, wondering when it would be real again.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
The stars in the sky were replaced by the skyscraper lights, as your train hurtled closer to its destination.
Clutching your ticket in your hand, your eyes were peeled to the window, watching the city skyline become closer, and closer, until the buildings loomed over you.Ā
Youād seen the city through pixels and in coffee table books but never like this.Ā
Your camera ran out of film before youād even arrived, and perhaps you should have prepared for that. You couldnāt stop your excitement. Everything was new, and everything was gorgeous. You took pictures of your ticket, of your seat, of the view.
You have to document this. In every form possible.
The cute boy across you even offered to share a pack of Peppero sticks halfway through the ride, and you hoped everybody in the city was as kind as him.
There were more people at the platform than in the entirety of Daejon, and you held your bags tightly to you, making your way through the crowd. At a certain point, you werenāt even walking, just pushed toward the nearest exit, going with the flow of the crowd around you.Ā
Each breath brought a new scent, fighting for your attention in the crowd. The musty luggage that had travelled all over the country being dragged against the concrete.Ā
There must be a cafe nearby, because the aroma of coffee wafted through the air, and it wasnāt till the scent of pastries hit you that you realised you were starving.
Thereād be time for food later.
The faint hint of cologne and perfume clouded your senses, different kinds of fragrances worn by the people who walked through the station.
It was overwhelming, a sensory overload, but you had expected this chaos.
You welcomed it.
He was waiting for you at the platform.
Relief flooded through you at the familiar face amongst the crowd.Ā
āLook at herā He remarked, a small smile overtaking him.
āFuckā You ran up to him, navigating through the few people still in your way.Ā
His arms wrapped around you immediately, lifting you off the ground momentarily, and his scent was familiar and it was known, and it calmed you instantly. You buried your face in his neck, letting him hold you to his body in the crowd.
āYouāre hereā He breathed, pulling back to look at you, eyes wide.
āI missed youā You admitted, reaching out to grab his hand, āThank youā¦for coming to pick me upā
He squeezed yours in return, āI wouldnāt miss it for the worldāĀ
āNo, Iām serious. Thank you, Yeonjunā
He stared at you, eyes crinkling in appreciation and love, āYou donāt have to thank meā
The crowd moved around you, like a river around a rock, as you held him close to you.Ā
Everything was unfamiliar here, but him.
āCome on, letās get you out of hereā He smiled, grabbing your bags.
Walking out of the station felt like stepping into a dream youād forgotten.
Youād studied these streets, and dreamt of these buildings, but now you stood amongst them. Awe and fascination swelled in your heart, and if it wasnāt for Yeonjun keeping a hold on you, youād probably stop and stare at every little thing.
The neon lights danced along the alleyways, casting colors onto everyone around you.
It was so typical.Ā
It was just like the movies.
You picked up on snippets of conversations, leftovers of drama, but it was crazy, because for the first time, you didnāt know who they were gossiping about. There were no familiar faces or names, a reality you could never live before.
In the distant, you could hear street musicians and you stopped, pulling at Yeonjunās sleeve, āCan we go see that?ā
Youāve seen far too many Youtube videos about this, and you have been waiting to experience this yourself.
He laughed, gesturing to your luggage, āWith all this stuff in our hands?ā
āRightā You realised.
āHey, we can always come back to this. Letās get you settled in first, yeah?ā He said, reaching forward to tuck your hair back in a gesture that soothed you.
āI know. I justā¦Iām excited. Sorryā You apologised.
āDonāt be sorry. I was the same my first day hereā He said, sincerely, āIām glad I have you to share this with. Although youāre already doing better than me, I was so overwhelmedā
You swallowed, āI am too, butā¦I want to beā
Yeonjunās lips curled up into a smile, āYeah?ā
āIāve thought about this moment for a long time, Junā
āI knowā He smiled, then tugged at your hand, āNow come on, weāre almost at your apartmentā
You let him tug you along, because you were too lost taking everything in to navigate yourself.Ā
It was overwhelming,Ā
But you embraced it.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
āAre you sure this is the right building?ā
āMmh, I checked on the map. Itās definitely the red buildingā
āItā¦looks different than it did onlineā You said, staring at the apartment.
āIām sure itās nicer insideā He shot you a calm look.Ā
He grabbed the heavier suitcase, before attempting to push the door open.Ā
It didnāt budge, and he stopped, āIs the door locked or something?ā
āUm, they told me itād be open till sixā You mumbled, glancing at your phone to check the time.
āWell, itās certainly not openā Yeonjun muttered, trying to push it open with his shoulder.Ā
His efforts were met with no real results, and he released a frustrated sigh.
āMaybe I can tryā You side-stepped him, lamely attempting to turn the knob.
āYou know, itās not that coldā Yeonjun rolled his eyes at the thick gloves you had on.
āItās cold for meā You defended.Ā
Daejon almost had the same weather year-round.Ā
You werenāt used to the chill that came this up north.
āI pray for you when winter comesā He added.
You turned to him, arms crossed, āSoā¦are we just going to stand here the rest of the night?ā
āWhy donāt you call the landlord?ā
You bit your lip, āI wouldnāt wanna inconvenience himāĀ
Yeonjun sighed, dropping the duffel bag on the pavement, āYou literally canāt get into your apartment. I think heāll understandā
Your new life in the city was off to a great start.
āMaybe I can try again tomorrowā You spoke, āCould I stay at your place tonight?ā
āY/Nā He stepped forward, placing a hand on your shoulder, āYou can, but youāre not going to be bothering him, I promise you. This is kind of his jobā
You stared at him, and sighed, āYouāre right. But, before I call him, do you think thereās another entrance to the place? Maybe weāre at the wrong oneā
Yeonjun looked up at the facade of the building. All the blinds to the apartment windows were shut, and he kept his hands on his hips, āIāll check around the backā
āThank youā You nodded, āIāll try the door hereā
You peeled off your gloves, turning the knob again, hoping that it might work this time.
You pushed at it with your shoulder, and to your surprise, the door burst open, plunging you inside.Ā
Somebody else had opened the door from the inside.
āFuckā You collided with them, flushing with embarrassment.
āWhoaā He exclaimed, hands coming up to your shoulders, āAre you okay?ā
āOh my god. Iām so sorryā You stepped back, looking up at him.
Was everyone in Seoul a fucking model or something?
His hair fell into his eyes, sharp features and a jawline that immediately stood out to you.Ā
He seemed to be younger than you.
He observed your form, eyes flickering over your figure before he stepped back, to let you breathe, āWere youā¦breaking in to my apartment or something?ā
āNo!ā You immediately responded in horror, eyes wide, āIā¦Iām Y/Nā
His eyebrows shot up, āIs that supposed to mean something to me?ā
āIām the new resident on the sixth floorā You explained, voice unsure by the second, āMr. Kwon didnāt mention me?ā
āOhā His eyes widened in recognition, āRight. He did. I didnāt think youād be coming in today. Bad weather to be moving inā
āYouāre rightā You laughed, pushing your hands in your pockets, āSo, uhā¦Iām Y/Nā
He smiled, eyes crinkling, āHi, Y/N. Iām Jeonginā
āSorry about the door. I couldnāt get ināĀ
āIt tends to get stuck in the cold sometimesā He explained, then looked behind you, āIs that all the stuff you have?ā
You turned back, āYeah. My friendās gone around the blockā¦to look for another entranceā
Jeongin smiled brightly, like he had no troubles in the world, āWell, I can help you get your bags up, unless you wanna wait for your friend to come back?ā
āIāll just tell him I got the door openā You explained, reaching for your phone to text Yeonjun.Ā
Your new neighbour, Jeongin, watched as you typed out the text, and then reached forward, to pick up the duffel youād abandoned on the street.
āYou probably shouldnāt leave your stuff out like thatā He laughed, grabbing the handle of your suitcase, āSome scumbags are just looking for an opportunity like thatā
āOhā You realised, feeling dumb for leaving your things unattended.
Jeongin pulled your suitcase and duffel bag up the porch stairs, before shooting you a glance, āIām guessing youāre new to the cityā
āItās obvious?ā You laughed, feeling embarrassed.
āDonāt worry about itā He shook it off with a hand, as you followed him up the stairs, āIām on the second floor, by the wayā
You clutched the rusty bannister with one hand, craning your neck to observe the atrium. The centre of the staircase had a skylight, but it was pitch-black outside.
He glanced back at you, āIf you ever find yourself stuck outside, you can shoot me a text. Iām almost always homeā
You followed him up to the sixth floor, āThank you, thatās really nice of you. Are you in university?ā
He nodded, āI take my classes online though. You?ā
āIām here for an art internshipā
āWhereād you move here from?ā He asked, as you made your way to the door, and you handed him the keys.Ā
āDaejon. Itās a small town down south, near the beach and the mountains. You probably havenāt heard of itā
He turned to you, with a grin, āSounds beautifulā
You unlocked the door to your unit, and thankfully this lock was easier than the one below.Ā
Flicking the switches on, you glanced around.
The apartment certainly wasā¦something.Ā
It was a studio, unfurnished, one bedroom, one bath.
The walls and floor were bare, and there was hardly any lighting, but that could be fixed.
Everything could be fixed.
You had made it here, and thatās what mattered.
A little kitchen window looked out into a fire escape, glimpses of the city visible.Ā
It excited you already. You could set up an easel there and learn to paint this new landscape.
Youād brought no artwork with youā¦but the new paintings you made could decorate the walls, and soon the place would fill up with your new memories of the city.
There was so much potential.
āItās not bad. Mr. Kwon gave you one of the better unitsā The boy commented, and you realised he was still here, as youād been fantasising about your new place.
āReally? Youāre not just saying that to make me feel better?āĀ
Jeongin raised an eyebrow, āWhy would I want to make you feel better? Weāve only known each other likeā¦ thirty secondsā
Your eyes widened, and for a second you wondered if he actually meant it, before he burst into a laugh.
āSorryā He giggled, āI was kidding. Did you think I was not?ā
āAnd how would I know you were kidding? I just met you, like you saidā You exhaled.
He laughed, walking back to you, āWhy would I be so rude to you for no reason?ā
You shrugged, hugging yourself, āI donāt knowā¦maybe youāre an assholeā
āOuchā He laughed.
āWho are you?ā A familiar voice interrupted, and you turned to see Yeonjun stood at the doorway. His eyes were wide, and his hair was wet from the rain. You felt guilty for leaving him out in the cold, but he was more concerned about the stranger in your apartment.
āWho are you?ā Jeongin asked him in return, āHowād you get in?ā
Yeonjunās eyes narrowed, āThe door was open downstairsā
āShitā He mumbled, āMr Kwon will kill meā
āWhy are you in my friendās living room?ā Yeonjun asked.
āI was helping her inā
Yeonjun shot you a look, and you shrugged, āWhat?ā
Jeongin looked between the two of you awkwardly, āI gotta go close up downstairsā
āSure. Thank you for letting me in by the wayā
āCourse. No problemā He smiled, pushing his hands in his denim jacket pockets as he left.Ā
Once he was out of earshot, Yeonjun shut the apartment door, and raised an eyebrow at you, āWho was he?ā
āYang Jeonginā You leaned against the kitchen counter, letting out a breath, āHe opened the door for meā
āAnd you let him into your apartment. What if heās a creep?ā
āRelax, Jun. At least Iām inside nowā
He looked around, observing the place, āWell, at least thereās no mold here or anythingā
You stare at him, āAre you kidding me? The place isā¦ perfectā
He laughs, āWhat?ā
You run up to him, pulling him into a hug, āThank you, thank you, thank youā
He wrapped his arms around you, āSomeoneās happyā
You looked up at him, āOf course I am. This is what Iāve wanted my entire lifeā
āYou didnāt seem this excited downstairsā He pointed out.
āI was worried for a second thereā You say, āBut now Iām so happyā
He laughed, āFuck. Iām happy for youā
You let go of him, to sit on your new couch, in your new home.
āIf I get some cute stuff and more lights, itāll be nice, right?ā
He walked over to the kitchen window, peering out at the view, āJust be careful to keep the blinds closed at nightā
āWhy?ā You frowned.
āThereās a lot of creepy people in the cityā
You smiled, dropping your head back on the couch, āI donāt careā
He laughed again, stepping over to you, āWhen do you want to unpack?ā
āIs it crazy if I say right now? I kind of want to put all my stuff in placeā
āNo, itās not crazy. Youāre not tired?ā
āIāve been preparing for this my whole life, so noā
He chuckled, āIām guessing youāre going to be saying that a lotā
He walked over to the bedroom, āItās smaller than on the website. Youāll have to buy a bedā
āI knowā You hummed, closing your eyes, to take everything in. If you sat here quietly, youād be able to hear the sirens, the pedestrians, the noise from all the shops.
āDo you wanna order some pizza?ā He asked.
āThatās perfectā
As the hours pass, you put away all your clothes in the wardrobe. Yeonjun helped you arrange the paintbrushes and canisters in a corner. Youāve only had enough space to bring two canvases and you balanced them against your bedroom wall.Ā
Yeonjun played an English rock band heās lately been obsessed with as you emptied the last of your suitcase.
The pizza arrived in no time, and Yeonjun brought it upstairs.
Youāve opened the kitchen window to let the city sounds in, and he smiles at your amused expression. Your apartment faces a busy street, but you love it. Thereās absolutely no silence, and you think itāll help you fall asleep at night.
Sitting on the floor, the pizza box lay between you as Yeonjun told you about his favourite spots in the city. He was a little overprotective, telling you to avoid certain neighbourhoods, but you appreciate him.
āAre you excited to join the internship?ā He asked, biting down into the pepperoni.
āApprenticeshipā You corrected him.
āWhatās the difference?ā He laughed.
āLook it upā You rolled your eyes, tossing a pepperoni at him.
He nodded, āSo youāre sticking in Seoul forever then?ā
You laughed, āWeāll seeā
āYou didnāt answer my questionā He repeated, popping open a coke can, a hissing sound accompanying it.
āI am excited. Obviouslyā You smiled, āNervous to meet Kim Jieong though. Heās like my favourite artist, ever, in the entire observable universeā
Yeonjun laughed, passing you the coke can, āI better be the first to hear all about your first dayā
āWho else will I even tell?ā You laughed.
He nodded, swallowing the crusts, and choosing to stay quiet.
Itās awkward. Hyunjinās thought hangs in the air.
He doesnāt know youāre here.
He doesnāt even know you got accepted.
āWe could do something crazy. If you wantā
āWhat?ā You asked, curious.
āYouāre probably gonna hate the ideaā He laughed.
You scoot closer to him, āTell meā
He bites into another piece, āYou know where he works. The Pegasus headquarters. Itās not too far from your classesā
You stare at him as he talks. The idea makes you feel like a stalker.
āI canāt just show up at his workplaceā
āIsnāt that how you two met in the first place? He showed up to your workplace?ā
You grabbed the coke can from him, āYouāre clever. But noā¦thatād be weirdā
āHow else are you going to get in touch with him?ā
āI donāt know, but it is so weird to think that weāre under the same sky nowā
Yeonjun rolled his eyes, āYouāre way too romantic. You know that youāre always under the same sky, right? No matter where you are on Earthā
āShut upā You tossed a piece of pepperoni at him, āDonāt kill the moodā
āFine. Youāre breathing the same air as Hyunjin. I mean, if you really want to be romantic, youāll probably bump into him sometime soonā
āThereās like ten million people in the city, Junā
āOh, now youāre logical?ā He laughed. Yeonjunās face suddenly lit up, and you know heās had a terrible idea.
āWhat? Donāt tell meā¦āĀ
āIām going to help you find him. Thatās kind of my jobā
āFinding people?ā You laughed.
āNo, tracking their digital footprints, and shitā
āHow is that going to help us find Hyunjin again?ā
āI donāt know. Iām still figuring that part outā
You rolled your eyes, and you lie down.
Your stomach is full, youāre tired, and the floor of your new place is cold, and you love it. Youāre so happy.Ā
Youāre right where you belong, and right where you were always supposed to be.
It feels right, and you smile to yourself.
āDo you want to go for a walk? Maybe we can explore your neighbourhood. You can get familiar with itā Yeonjun suggested.
You sat up so quickly, āThatās the greatest idea Iāve ever heardāĀ
So, he took you around the alleys, and you tried to memorise the names of the streets, and he showed you a coffee shop, and a Paris fucking Baguette.Ā
Your street is busy and full of life, even this late at night. Even from here, you could see the high-rise buildings surrounding you, glass houses, and everything is glamorous.Ā
āI literally feel like Iām inside a dramaā You told Yeonjun, watching all of the little shops and snack stands. The mannequins in the window display wore clothes you could never get away with wearing back home.
But, youāll wear them now.
Itās so much all at once.
He held your hand, introducing you to everything he knew of.Ā
You feel like a stranger in your own country. Everything is different here.
But youāre right where you belong, and as Yeonjun led you back home, you looked up at the sky.
Itās different too.
You realise Hyunjin was right all along.
There are no stars here.Ā
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
Itās been less than a week, and youāre lost.
Youāre not proud to admit it.
But the city is big, and you were only trying to find your way to The Atelier.
Cabs were expensive as hell, so youād decided to walk, and take the trains but clearly youād ended up in the wrong neighbourhood.
You called Yeonjun. Obviously.
āLook, Y/N. I still donāt understand what possessed you go visit your art building this lateā
āI was impatient!ā You admitted. Your classes donāt start for another week, but you wanted to check the place out. You couldnāt hold your excitement.
āYou couldāve just waited for the weekend. I would have gone with youā
You snorted, āRight. What would you do in a place like that?ā
āHey, I can be artsy tooā He retorted, āNow tell me what you seeā
You stared ahead of you.
Itās busy, and thereās so many people. You turn a corner, and then another, and another. Itās already dark out, and the streetlights have twinkled on. You wish you could appreciate the beauty, but youāre so lost.Ā
Somehow, youāre not scared. You know youāll figure it out.Ā
Youāve made it this far after all.
āIām at a street with a thousand shopsā
āSoā¦every single street of this city? Youāre so helpfulā
āYouāre not being very helpful eitherā You crossed your arms.
āJust go into any shop, and ask them where the art building isā
āWhat if they donāt know?ā
āThen ask somebody elseā Yeonjun suggested.
You survey the plethora of shops. Half of them have already shuttered down, and some are in the process of closing.Ā
Thereās only one store thatās open. It looks like it sells snacks and drinks, but maybe they can tell you where you are. The fluorescent lights of it cast a harsh aura upon the streets, unmatched to the traditional aesthetic of everything else.Ā
āOkay. Thatāll give me an excuse to get that expensive candy I saw at the stationā
Yeonjun laughed, āI am appalled at how positive youāre being right now despite being in the middle of nowhereā
You walked up the little stairs, a chime sounding as you enter.Ā
Itās bigger than you expected inside.Ā
Thereās rows and rows of snacks, shelves stocked to the brim. Itās local, different from a 7/11 franchise, but itās just as organised. Thereās a few people already in the store, and you walked past them, until you find an employee who can help you.
āYeah, once I decided to stop being affected by every little thing, life became much easierā You joked.
You can almost imagine Yeonjun rolling his eyes as he said, āIf only everything was that easyā
āIām gonna ask someone who works here. Iāll call you after, okay?ā You spoke into the phone, before hanging up.
Thereās a girl, she looked friendly enough.
āExcuse me?āĀ
She turned, and she was chewing gum, āYeah? How can I help you?ā
āYeah, could you tell me how I can get to the Atelier from here?ā
You feel a little stupid. Sheās probably wondering why you canāt just use your phone, but the streets here are so narrow, thereās no way itāll be accurate.
Her eyebrow furrowed, āThat fancy glass building?āĀ
You lit up in recognition, āYes! Exactly that!ā
āUm. Iām sorry, I donāt know. But Jae will know. His girlfriend goes there. I can call him if you want, heās the backā
āOhā You nodded, āThatāll be really helpful, thank you so muchā
She looked around, āAre you gonna buy anything?ā
You nodded, smiling at her, before she walked into the back.
Well, she was nice.
You tucked your hands into your jacket pockets, and looked around.Ā
You havenāt been to this part of town before. Well, youāve only been here a few days but you must have got yourself really, really lost to end up in such a random place.
You waited for the girl to come back, and you watched the people around you.
You envy their sense of comfort, and familiarity.
Thereās a couple, still in school uniforms, and theyāre picking out candy.
Thereās quite a few people in the store, baskets full of snacks, and iced coffee, and maybe you can grab one too, after you reorient yourself.
The shelf is front of you is so overstimulating, and thereās so many different types of candy.Ā
Thatās another one of your favourite things here.
Brands youāve never heard of or seen before. Imported sweets, from all across the world, and everything is expensive, but you donāt care right now.
Thereās a huge box of purple candies.
Itās too much, even for you.
But you feel the need to treat yourself.
You reached for it, picking it off the shelf. Your eyes wander up.
Thereās a boy.
Your heart skips a beat, and you think it almost stopped.
Youāre dizzy.
The most beautiful boy in the worldā¦ stands on the other side of the shelf.
Youād recognise that stance anywhere.Ā
Heās in a dark trench coat and a cap is pulled over his head, and getting lost has easily been the absolute best mistake of your life. Itās the craziest coincidence in the world, and maybe now you really donāt believe in coincidences anymore.
You believe in destiny, and he has to be yours.
Thereās no other explanation, no rhyme or reason for why else he would be here, right now, right here, at the same time as you.
He hasnāt seen you yet, and you relish in those few seconds of pure observation.
He looks exactly the same, as he browses through the aisle of cereals.
Your heart burned, and it yearned, and you couldnāt wait anymore.
You couldnāt stop yourself, even if you wanted to.
āHyunjin?ā You blurted, the excitement unable to be held back.
His head shot up to yours.
The blue box of cereal in his hand dropped to the floor.
And it really was him.
It actually was him.
There were no coincidences.Ā
He looked so gorgeous, and you can already feel his distinct scent. Your lips curved up into a smile, and your heart was beating out of its chest.
He was staring at you, eyes wide, lips parted.
His hair had gotten even longer, and it peeked out from under his cap.
āHyunjin Iāā
A woman stepped between you, picking up what heād just dropped.
āIs this the one you were looking for?ā She handed it to him.
Hyunjin tore his gaze away from you and nodded at her.
She looked at you, wondering what had his attention.
Your words were stuck in your throat, and your heart was squeezing in your chest, you thought you might collapse.
Who was that?
āIs there anything else you need?ā She asked him.
He shook his head, gaze to the floor, āNo. Iām goodā
His voice. Youād missed it insanely.
āPerfect. The cash counterās in the back thoughā She walked past you, and sheās not your problem anymore because heās here. Heās actually here, in front of you, in the most random shop in all of Seoul.Ā
Hyunjin stepped out from the aisle.Ā
Youāre standing in his way, āHeyāā
āExcuse meā He mumbled, his shoulder bumped against yours and he walked right past you.
What the fuck?
He didnāt even look at you.
Someone tapped on your shoulder, and it was the girl with the chewing gum.
Your eyes were still on him though, confused, and a fear began to settle in your stomach. He was standing at the cash counter, and his was head was ducked low, as the woman placed all of their shopping out of the cart.Ā
For a second, you wonder if youāre mistaken and if thatās someone else, but you know itās him, but that doesnāt make any sense.
The girl employee spoke cheerfully, introducing a boy at her side, āThis is Jae! He can tell you the way to the Art Atelierā
At those words, Hyunjin finally looked back, over his shoulder, at you.
His gaze met yours.
It definitely was him.
You were about to say something, but the words never made it past your lips, because he immediately looked away from you.
It was as if he had never known you.
Like you were a stranger.
The city of Seoul had never felt so quiet, as right now.
Ā»Ā»āāāā-
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#hyunjin x reader#hyunjin imagines#star lost with you#hyunjin x yn#hyunjin smut#angst#fluff#friends to lovers#series#skz x reader#skz smut#hwang hyunjin x reader#hwang hyunjin smut
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LOST CAUSE
bada lee x reader (part 3)
PREVIOUS | MASTERLIST | NEXT
warnings: none I think, pls comment if there are any needed
content: angst on angst, confused gays, sad times for bada, a lil bit of ??? x reader, idek man just read it, unedited because I refuse to reread my own stories
bada couldn't concentrate.
that much was obvious to every student present in the class that she was currently attempting to teach, as well as her team members, two of which had to take over while she leaned against the wall, feigning supervision while thinking of, well, you.
she didn't know what to make of the last interaction you two had. or, rather, she knew exactly what to make of it, and she just didn't like the implications.
she was a bad friend.
although she was glad that you had confronted her about her tendencies, and she now had the opportunity to do better in the future, she couldn't help but wonder if you even wanted that.
but she couldn't lose you, she couldn't even bare the thought of it, that would be like a solar system without it's star, virtually useless and incomplete. she had to do better, before you... no, nope. you weren't going anywhere, not on her watch. she would redeem herself, whatever it took.
"bada!" she jumped at the sound of her own name, muffled by the thoughts racing through her mind, thoughts of you and only you.
"welcome back to earth." lusher said flatly, standing tall in front of where bada had chosen to sit on the floor in the corner of the studio, moping in her self inflicted sadness.
"you shouldn't be here, you know? you should be at home, talking to her." bada nodded solemnly, her gloomy expression thankfully covered by her bucket hat. "I know."
lusher nudged bada's knee with her foot repeatedly, earning an annoyed groan from bada who swatted her foot, but, she smiled for what was most likely the first time that day. "well, if you know that, then why are you here?"
"because she told me to go, I didn't wanna push her any further." bada said simply, her smile vanishing just as quickly as it arrived. how could she be happy at all, while knowing that she had been hurting you all this time?
lusher clicked her tongue, pulling bada up to her feet and placing her hands on her shoulders, speaking with a certain seriousness. "she didn't mean it. go, bada. I've known her long enough to know that she... sometimes has trouble telling you how she actually feels. classes end in 20 anyway."
she didn't need to be told twice. bada was off, fingers drumming nervously on the steering as the pit in her stomach grew and grew, and grew. god, she hoped that you were still there when she opened the door.
maybe you would be in one of her many oversized shirts, your perfect figure practically drowning as you cooked something up for yourself in the kitchen, mindlessly humming to a song as you stood in front of the stove, spatula in hand. and she could come up behind you, wrapping her arms around your middle, humming the same tune.
or maybe, you'd be furiously shouting at the TV, watching some horror movie that had stumbled upon, which would always do a better job of aggravating you than scaring you. and bada would sit next to you, pulling you into her lap as you took turns criticising the characters' stupid, plot driving decisions.
god, she wanted you, she needed you to still be there when she unlocked the door.
so that you could have a full conversation about everything, every issue, every minute problem, every feeling, all of it. you'd most likely tell her that you're not very fond of her right now, which would be completely understandable, and then she would apologise profusely, get on her knees and beg if that's what it took, and tell you how she felt, if you asked.
how did she even feel?
she loved you, of course. you had been her rock, a safe space for her to be her most authentic self. sometimes, she would all awake at night, filled with some indescribable emotion that she could only attempt to describe as pure love. just the thought that you were in her life was enough to almost make her chest explode with glee.
she was so sure that all those feelings were typical of people who had been close for years, but she wasn't as certain anymore. but that didn't matter right now, she would categorise and sort her feelings out after she fixed the rift that she had caused between the two of you.
you would be her first priority from now on, always.
ā
"you know, you need to stop doing that." minah's voice rang out, a knowing look on her face.
"she looked sad, and I knew why, so I gave her a little push." lusher shrugged, locking the class door behind her, falling into step with minah as her and the rest of the members clocked out for the day.
"that's not what I meant. it's great that you helped bada." minah corrected, hooking her arm with hers as they made their way to their homes.
lusher sighed in mock exasperation before questioning minah. "then what did you mean? I'm not in the mood for guessing games right now."
"I mean, that you can't keep sabotaging your own feelings for her sake." that only led to another sigh leaving lushers' mouth.
throughout the years of knowing you, lusher had developed some feelings for you, but it was nothing major. but another thing she had to live with as a result of knowing you this long, were your unwavering feelings for bada.
they were, at least in lushers' opinion, completely impenetrable. it's not like she didn't understand, bada certainly treated you in a vastly different, much more intimate and compassionate way than she did anyone else, so your feelings definitely weren't baseless.
she just didn't feel like messing with your heart even further by adding her silly schoolgirl crush into the mix of your love for bada and bada's inability to look inwards for fucking once.
if she was in bada's shoes, you would've never left the club upset, because she would've never said no to an opportunity to hang out with just you. but, you being upset at the club is what led to you spending the night at her house, so lusher was selfishly a little thankful that it happened, in a roundabout sort of way.
she had to fight the urge to be visibly giddy when she saw you in her shirt for the first time. god, it looked so much better on you, she's not even mad that you left with it.
"I just, don't wanna add any more to the craziness going on with her. and you know I have the worst timing imaginable, the second I decide to confess to her, bada's gonna barge into the room and profess her undying love and then they're gonna make out in front of me." lusher ranted slightly as they made they're way to her front door.
"that was oddly specific. have you thought about this before?" minah questioned while stifling a laugh, putting an arm around lushers' shoulders. "but if you're not going to confess which is fine, then you should consider maybe not playing cupid either, you're only hurting yourself. they'll get together on their own if it's meant to be."
lusher nodded, hugging minah goodbye before entering her apartment. she was right as always, lusher had a nasty habit of trying to push you and bada into each others arms. maybe it was guilt? she felt bad for even feeling the way she did about you, so she overcompensated by helping you get closer to your dream girl, bada.
she just didn't want to see you hurting, and if she had to choose between her feelings and yours, it wouldn't even be a question. which is why she convinced bada to go finish her conversation with you, because she knew that you weren't okay.
so imagine her surprise when she saw you, in her kitchen, in another one of her shirts.
her mouth fell when her eyes met yours. "what are you doing here?" she blurted out in a high pitched voice. no, no, no, this was not how it was supposed to go. you were supposed to be at bada's place, and you guys were supposed to work out all the kinks in your relationship, maybe even get into a relationship.
"I just wanted to hang out. sorry, I shouldn't have intruded." you said simply, looking through a cupboard for something to snack on.
she wanted to tell you that bada was currently at her apartment for you, a part of her even wanted to drive you there and push you even further away from her.
but, another part of her wanted to take in minahs' advice, and not do anything. if you wanted to hang out her, then so be it.
"there isn't much in there, I'll just order delivery."
a/n: love triangle alert!!!
#smau masterlist#smau#bada lee#bada lee x oc#bada lee x reader#bada x reader#masterlist#bada lee fanfiction#bada#bada lee x y/n#bada lee fluff#bada lee angst#bada lee fanfic
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ššš & šš š
š¢š šššš¬ !! (ą¹>į“<ą¹)
ā§ some of my all time favorite fics & their amazing authors!! please show everybody lots of love ^^ [header creds. to @minvcrs] ā§ i'll keep updating this as i find more fics !! pls feel free to send in suggestions as well <3
ā§ SMAUS ā§
BRUTAL - @mosinterlude [hanni x reader smau]
ā³ this was such a fun concept for a smau & this author also has a rlly great niki smau if ur a fan of enhypen <3 looking forward to more of their works ^^
HALLWAY CRUSH - @xuqijie [haerin x reader smau]
ā³ kinda reminds me of 2521 & it's just a rlly cute concept
HOW YOU GET THE GIRL - @jungwonize [rei x reader smau]
ā³ this smau hasn't come out yet but im so hyped ^^ this author has rlly creative plots so definitely another blog to check out ;)
RUN2U - @yaeluvz [wonyoung x reader smau}
ā³ i had the time of my life reading this smau bc it was just so funny & perfectly cute <3 loved wonyoung's portrayal bc it was just so endearing
FANWARS - @rosiehrs [yunjin x reader smau]
ā³ i still haven't gotten the chance to read this smau but i can't wait to! the summary itself sounds so entertaining
FAULT LINES - @ctrlemis [wonyoung/jungwon x reader smau]
ā³ jungwon and wonyoung are two of my ults so this smau was literally everything i had ever dreamed of
PLEASE! - @mingkuri [hanni x reader smau]
ā³ not completely up to date with this smau but its so so funny <3 like i actually need to catch up rn bc it's amazing, not to mention it's abt the loml hanni pham <3_<3
THE ONLY EXCEPTION - @izfims [yujin x reader smau]
ā³ just found this while i was going through my saved fics & it looks so cute so i need to go check it out like rn !! i'm definitely checking it out b4 i go to sleep tdy
ā§ WRITTEN ā§
LOVER GIRL - @silantryoo [haerin x reader fluff]
ā³ quite literally the cutest thing i've ever read ... i wish i could reread it but the author accidentally deleted their acc T_T if u haven't read it, take my word for it bc it was absolutely adorable š«¶ update: itās been reposted!! so happy i could literally cry rn š
CAN'T YOU SEE ME - @forhereyesonlyyy [yujin x reader fluff]
ā³ it's honestly such a struggle to find authors for ive, but im so glad that i found this acc bc they write so well <3 definitely recommend checking it out :)
2, 4, 6, 8, WHO DO I APPRECIATE? - @chenle [yuna x reader fluff]
ā³ an all time favorite of mine ^^ if i could only recommend one work in this post, this would be the one ... it literally came out 4 yrs ago & i still go back to read it <33 it's a cheerleader au & absolutely adorable,, also made me realize just how gay i am lol
CHICKEN SANDWICH - @kimsohn [winter x reader drabble]
ā³ this is probably one of my fave drabbles from this acc bc it has fake dating which is one of my fave tropes but literally anything they write is amazing <3 this acc has sm diversity & writes for ggs like loona, aespa, ive & itzy !!
OCEAN VIEW - @seungiepup [gaeul x reader fluff]
ā³ probably one of the only gaeul works i've seen on here but im so happy that i found it :) it's a perfect fluffy slice of life drabble
STUCO GF HCs - @iichaeyj [karina x reader fluff]
ā³ this acc posts such great hcs & blurbs like i love reading them all sm. they havent posted much gg content, but i'd def recommend checking out all their works if you like txt or enhypen.
6:03 PM - @gfksn [ryujin x reader fluff]
ā³ the cutest timestamp <33 like i just love ryujin sm & i feel like this captures her essence rlly well .. idk if that makes sense but plz check it out bc it's cute :)
DRESS ME UP - @hoonsmarsbar [gaeul x reader]
ā³ this hasn't come out yet but i can't wait <3 the header is so so pretty & the summary has me so intrigued :) bc i just adore gaeul
KISS, KISS, I WANNA KISS. - @tbzloonar [hyejoo x reader fluff]
ā³ you can likely alr tell just how cute this is from the title alone but im gonna say it again bc its adorable <3
LOST SUNSHINE - @haerinz [wonyoung x reader angst]
ā³ this hanahaki au was one of the first gg fics i found on here && it's a true heartbreaker <3 would definitely recommend to anyone craving angst :D
SWEET WORDS - @itgetsquiet [ryujin x reader fluff]
ā³ only recently discovered this fic && i still haven't finished it, but i started it and from what i've read so far, ik im gonna enjoy it :)
#ive x reader#itzy x reader#newjeans x reader#loona x reader#izone x reader#enhypen x reader#itzy x yn#kpop gg#gg x reader#kpop fic recs#ive x yn#wonyoung x reader#ryujin x reader#hyunjin x reader#sakura x reader#yujin x reader#wonyoung x yn
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from writer to writer (and because you're someone i do admire a lot when it comes to creating beautiful fics), what do you do when you start hating your writing?
this might be long, so so sorry. feel free to ignore honestly.
rereading my works, i hate them... i've been writing fics for so long (like dating back to asianfanfics and quotev type long). my writing style feels so... unfufilling? i love the prompts that i've done and i love that others love them but- it's just empty? i think i'm putting my heart into it but i'm not?
after reading so many classics, i feel like i'm just spitting out what i know? not what i feel?
girl... after watching alchemy of souls, a light just went off in my head is making want to delete everything and start from scratch grrr
tbhā¦my best advice is to not read your own work after a long long long while once youāve posted it. i always hate everything i write and am very rarely proud of it. but i let it simmer and let the feedback sink in, so later on if i ever re read my works, i go in with a more positive attitude and generally it makes me think like āwow, i wrote this.ā rather than āš i canāt believe i posted this.ā
pls donāt delete your work! you can do what i do and revamp stuff if itās really bothering you! Something i do quite often even without revamping for other bands. the fact of the matter is, we grow as writers and what you wrote last year will likely be considered worse than what you did this year in your own eyes bc you know youāve grown.
i personally find seeing the growth really lovely. my first kpop fic was AWFUL, but i cried when i wrote it and im very attached to it. iāve revamped it twice now because ive developed a more clear narrator voice. I will never let anything i worked hard on die, even if i hate it. i just rework it until itās tolerable tbh.
also, keep in mind that many people will read even what you consider to be your worst fic ever and love it dearly. Be as gentle with yourself as your favorite readers are, theyāll be sad if you remove old fics. Even if itās only one person missing it, that still means itās worthy.
that being said, if it really is hard to keep them up, i support whatever you wanna do to make yourself feel more comfortable. private them, delete them, rework them, rewrite them entirely. Itās all worth it as long as youāre doing what you want !
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Avery's TopGun:Maverick recs pt.2
alrighty, almost 3 months later, here is my list of favourite TopGun: Maverick fics that no one asked for. like last time, it's mostly hangman, rooster and a bit of bobby boy. but i am slowly starting to fall for mickey and coyote.
please make sure to follow the age limit set by the writers!
jake "hangman" seresin
Fuck: The Universe (mini-series) by @roosterbruiser
okay maybe this is recency bias, because i did read this whole mini series yesterday and today, but still. it checks all the boxes, and of course i love the trope of jake is an ass to everyone but his girl, who also happens to be way better than him. also part 7 cracked me up.
real friends (series) by @starlightstories
i read real friends then found fuck: the universe, and i realized i really really really like the loverboy jake grumpy reader trope. i have no shame.
hey stupid, i love you (one shot) by @callsignseagull
okay this fic is very personal to me. i genuinely felt like the reader in this fic because i'm going through a very similar thing right now, and it tamed so many of my insecurities. i can't wait to reread soon!
loving you is... (series) by @demxters
guys frat hangman. that's all.
sleepy baby (series) by @discount-shades
the lengths at which this man goes just to find his princess, goals.
Where I'm From (one-shot) by @sometimes-i-write-good
sweet man jake, back at it again stealing hearts
Minimal Losses (series) by @ohtobeleah
this series and the rooster prequel NCIS ARE SO GOOD. im a sucker for this shit.
Sweet Nothings (series) by @sweetlittlegingy
yup! yup! yup! make sure you get your blood sugar checked before reading this because it's so damn sweeeeeet
Seeing Red (series) by @call-sign-jinx
picture this: its 2015, you're on wattpad and every single fic is a social media fic. but THIS? this is everything. the amount of work that goes into making a single text screenshot, not to mention the plot! its truly incredible and had be crying, laughing and sitting on the edge of my seat. i can't praise this series, and the other fics in this universe, enough.
yours (one-shot) by @theharddeck
this one... yeah its cute. but its down right sinful as well
bradley "rooster" bradshaw
I Will Always Love You (one-shot) by @amysteryspot
this one is short and sweet and honestly made me cry while eating my blt quarter pounder.
Pamper Night (on-shot) by @dagger-wren
okay this fic started as a cute little date night/self care night fic. BUT THEN, the ending had me falling in love with this dysfunctional squad. of course rooster and his girl are mom and dad, like who else.
Eat It, Twilight (one-shot) by @fandomxpreferences
okay i know this is a hangman fic, but i dont care. the rooster bff part was what i loved the most. also the plot is highlarious, and its probably because i was high when i read it, but still. chefs kiss.
Terms of Endearment (series) by @ohtobeleah
this series will be the death of me. each time a new chapter gets released im holding my breath on whether its gonna be all angst or all fluff. but either way i know its beautifully written.
And They Were Roommates (series) by @starryeyedstories
this. its hilarious and i cannot wait for more!
robert "bob" floyd
Christmas Gift (on-shot) by @call-sign-jinx
one of the most common bob fics i see is him with a teacher, and honestly i love it. who else would be as sweet and as patient as this man. i have the utmost respect for anyone who works in education, ESPECIALLY those who work with kids under 13. anyways, love this fic.
King of My Heart (one-shot) by @croimilis
dunk bob is the sweetest person ever!
Apple pie (mini-series) by @andorskenobi
the warning is very real, pls take it seriously <3
honorable mentions:
@sunlightmurdock @callsignvalley @toms-gf @make-me-imagine @callsignsaturn @madsnowstorm @jupitercomet @katsu28 @sehnsuchts-trunken @roosterforme (literally anything emily writes will be on a rec list i make)
i just wanna send my love to all the writers on this platform. whether you're just posting your first fic, or just finishing your 5th series, i appreciate you so much. i don't always have the time to comment and i'm dumb and don't understand how to reblog efficiently (working on it), but please know that all the effort and time you put in to making these works is truly admirable and i wish i was as talented as any of you.
okay thats all for now. i need to start making these more often cause theres so many i left out, i was just too lazy to scroll and find them.
#top gun maverick#hangman x reader#lt. bradley rooster bradshaw#bradley rooster bradshaw#rooster x reader#jake seresin#jake seresin x reader#bob floyd#robert floyd#bob x reader#bradley bradshaw fanfiction#jake seresin fanfiction#jake seresin x y/n#jake hangman seresin#top gun imagine
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good sunday hereās something I wrote a while ago. itās part of a bigger piece, so thereās references that are foggy, but if I simmer it and reduce it to its essence, it is amateur writer!eddie x amateur writer fem!reader, reader wears a lot of layers and is pretty closed off. I donāt think it needs more explaining for how small this snippet is (1.8k) but if youāre curious about one thing or another, my ask box is always open. (sorry this is out of the blue but I just reread this and I like this part, I donāt think it deserves to die in the docs like all my other wips lol) (this wonāt die in the docs but it will die unedited)
18+ only pls this is soft and not horrifically explicit but
āDo you think drugs help with your creative process?ā
āSometimes, dunno,ā he shrugs.
Eddie asked if it was okay if you went to his place today. He told you that Friday night was his last chance to make a good chunk of his profits before Christmas and he had things he needed to do in preparation.
You watch as he weighs out little baggies of fuzzy green and brown product.
āCan I help?ā you ask.
āYou want to help me with this?ā he laughs.
āYeah, sāboring over here,ā you say, feeling a tinge of embarrassment for your enthusiasm.
āMust be hard being such a pretty girl that has to sit around waiting, huh?ā
You ignore his comment, pushing yourself off the bed and using your own judgment on how to help him. You help by opening the plastic bags and by tying them after he fills them.
āāāā
āA womanās love makes all the difference,ā Eddie teases, pressing a kiss to the edge of your face as he puts away all the neatly made bags. āThey look good, thank you sweetheart,ā he presses another kiss to your skin, this time closer to your inner cheek. He stands and you do the same. While he put his stash away in a drawer for now, you settle back into his bed, sitting cross legged in the middle.
āYou ready to go home or wanna stay longer?ā he asks, catching your gaze.
āItās barely been an hour,ā you complain with wide eyes as you check the time. Eddie crosses to the bed, laying beside you so his head rests adjacent with one of your folded knees while his hand closes over your other.
āSo stay then. I want you to stay,ā he smiles.
āSounds like youāre kicking me out,ā you mumble.
āYou could stay forever, Iād be happy.ā
You scrunch your face and Eddie barks a laugh. His hand grabs further up your leg, getting closer to you as his fingers reach high on your thigh. You push him away with a flattened palm on his chest, fighting his advances just enough to make a point.
āDonāt be weird,ā you scold.
āIām not allowed to kiss you when I want and I canāt be weird? What am I allowed to do then?ā He asks, laying on his back in comical defeat.
āBe normal.ā
āSee, thatās impossible when Iām with you,ā he smiles cheekily. He folds both his hands over his chest, severing his ties from you, leaving you with not a single point of contact.
āAnd that classifies as a weird thing to say,ā you say pointedly. You watch as he absentmindedly twirls one of his heavy silver rings around the knuckle it sits under.
āI like you, is that such a crime?ā
He continues twirling the ring as he smiles up at you.
His room matches him to a T. Dark colours, hints of deep red that peak out under the clutter of personality that adorns every surface. Music is in your face, with posters that are screaming levels of confronting as soon as you walk in. The quietest part of his room is the novels that stay hidden in plain sight. A tattered book under a beer can, condemned to the life of being a coaster, a short stack just under his bed, they scatter everywhere and donāt demand the attention that everything else does.
When you feel like you understand Eddie it comes in waves like this. Like you have all the puzzle pieces but you need a particular clue to help fit them together. When they click into place it makes your stomach flip and your heart patter in your chest. It surges you forward and you find him. You kiss him to let him know you hear him.
He kisses you back and you hope he understands.
Itās awkward the way you hunch over him. Your knees press into the edge of his stomach and dangerously close to his crotch so you move carefully. He rises to accommodate you until you can sit a little straighter, feeling less of a stretch in your lower back. His hand finds your waist, encouraging you to sit up and uncross your legs while also pulling you into him. His kiss is soft yet firm and once youāve both comfortable, itās clear that youāre the driving force here. His hands donāt roam and he doesnāt deepen the kiss, he takes what you give him, as always.
You want more though, you want his hands to roam.
āTouch me,ā you breathe into the kiss. With your hands on his forearms you drag them up your sides and he takes over, he feels up and down and he tugs and pulls the clothing barrier with every movement. You let your own hands sit low on his stomach, and itās unfair the way your hands slip so easily under his thin cotton shirt, pulling it up to feel how the hair just under his belly button grows thinner the higher you go. His mouth stops moving against yours and he pulls back gently.
āCan I take this off?ā he asks, searching your eyes while he holds the seam of your most outer layer.
You nod, agreeing quietly. He works slowly, letting his fingers gather the seam before pulling upwards, careful not to disturb the layer that lives underneath.
When it pulls over your head, he folds the material in half, placing it down on the bed beside you both.
He moves in closer to you, eyes landing on your lips but you motion for him to pause.
Finding his hand and placing it on the hem of your next layer, you meet his eyes. āKeep going,ā you whisper. He nods, fingers finding their grip.
He could take every layer off at once, tug them over your head in one clump of clothing, but he doesnāt. He takes his time, unwraps you like a gift, paying special attention to the bells and whistles of zippers and buttons. He folds every layer with respect, making a pile of the mismatching fabrics that heās silently cursed a handful of times for keeping you from him. He doesnāt want to make that mistake now, so he takes his time. When he gets to your second last layer he finds your eyes, making sure itās okay.
āGo ahead,ā you whisper. Inch by inch, the prize of your bare skin is revealed to him as he lifts the ribbed thermal from your hips, your waist, your chest, your shoulders, all the way to your wrists. Your poor thermal gets discarded without a gentle fold but you donāt mind.
Eddieās eyes dance with lust filled adoration. He sits forward on his bed but doesnāt touch just yet. He traces curves and connects barely visible freckles with his eyes and when heās looking for longer than you deem necessary, you find his hands again, bringing them to your skin and it feels grounding.
You part your hands from his once they flatten to your sides, giving him permission to roam. He hums appreciatively and his hands glide. They cover places you wouldnāt deem worthy of dwelling on and eventually, they start to squeeze. They feel like theyāre molding you, pushing you in, and drawing you out all at the same time. You feel like youāre clay in his hands, but really it's the other way around. Heās learning how his hands fit to you, heās adding the curves of your body to his lexicon, teaching himself how to speak to you through his touch. Itās a beautiful thing and you could cry.
āKiss me, please,ā you ask, needing him to take the swell of emotions from you. He nods before he meets your eyes, and when he does, he looks like he melts into valleys of softness.
āCāmere, sweet girl,ā he whispers, using his new found language to fit his hands against your waist, tugging you forward into him.
He kisses you and it feels like breathing anew. Like words youāve yet to discover, and dialects of feelings you never knew existed, it makes your heart hum.
Itās not long before his kiss translates every stirred up emotion into pure lust. His hands roam, rough at the fingertips but substantially softer at the palms.
Down to your last layer, he lingers at the equator of your back until it becomes the hottest part. The band burns at his fingers with every grazed touch over and under it. Despite that, he plays with fire, tracing the lace back and forth in quick movements that tell you what he wants. With a giggled approval, you feel the way he beams when he pecks at your lips.
Talented with his fingers, he one handedly releases the tension on your ribcage. Both hands move to the straps on your shoulders and he pulls back from his onslaught of quick kisses with a candyland worthy smile.
His eyes visibly dilate and your chest stutters with the breath that gets stuck in your lungs. He drops your bra to your lap, not letting it go too far just yet and he looks back to your eyes.
āBeautiful. Prettiest girl.ā His mouth opens another time to speak but he closes it, mullingly.
āWhat?ā you ask, shifting so your shoulders press inwards, unconsciously making yourself smaller in front of him.
He notices the way you change and brings gentle hands to your shoulders, coaxing you to straighten out. He moves in closer, letting the edge of his head press to yours, cheek meeting cheek.
āI just want to say thank you for sharing yourself with me,ā he whispers quietly into your ear. āNot just for this, but for everything. I know it's hard,ā he continues.
You nod, but you donāt know what else to say. It leaves you choked, throat swelling with emotions again.
Eddie pulls back to see you, not your body, but you and he smiles adoringly.
āI do like this though, I like it a lot.ā His smile switches to a smirk and your choke becomes a sputter of laughter.
He kisses your lips, across your cheek, down your jaw. He kisses your collar bones, up the peaks of your chest and down the crest of each breast. He places a lasting kiss to the center where your ribcage ends and moves back up.
He lavishes you with kisses. Gentle, sweet, appreciative, and when you promise itās enough for you to feel his purified adoration until next time, he helps you redress, but not without substantial kisses to your lips.
Eddie Munson hasnāt shown you any of his writing yet, but you trust he has perfected the art form because the way he looks at you is with the gaze of a man whoās dedicating more words to you than youāve ever read, more words than youāll ever know.
-----
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fav fics you have read? Looking for recs!
oh boyyy my time has come *rubs hands together*. be prepared cuz this is a very long answer lmao.
1. in your dreams, nerd!
my! absolute! favorite!!! by some miracle, i came across @sapphicflower-ao3 ās self-promo post on tumblr and decided to read the fic. it was my first bkdk fic ever! can u believe how lucky i was??? it had everything i need in life: miscommunication, hurt/comfort, super duper fluff, plus ultra pining, soft and romantic katsuki, etc. that fic literally changed my life. pls pls pls read it if u havenāt. im shaking n crying from to much emotions rn kaksmdbsjsj.
2. āwhatās your type?ā
another banger from my goddess rani. bkdk being on a live tv show floundering their obsession with each other for everyone to see. whatās more perfect than that? even better when theyāre being absolute oblivious dumbasses while doing it. plus a romantic kiss that made me kicking my feet in glee. itās a quick but very rewarding read. love it sm!
3. call my name, I'll come back from the dead for you
if uāve read @atticuos ās works before, u can definitely pick out a very specific detail of her writing: the yearning hidden in motions. some writers choose to spell out the feelings their characters are experiencing. with el tho, those emotions radiate through the way someone talks, walks, moves their hands, or even plainly simple as their eyes softening. theyāre rarely directly named. but somehow the readers can feel them 10x stronger than normal, itās like their bones can taste the impact, too. this fic is the strongest testament of that magic. el is really a unique specimen that needs to be studied.
4. Weight of Love
the latest and gratest work of el. traveling through universes while not only reliving ur life but also rediscovering ur love. the most creative and beautiful concept ever! ever!! iām still in awe whenever i reread this fic. like how? how could u came up with something so captivating like this?? el, iām on the floor kissing ur feet rn.
5. Sunshine in the Rain
fluffy fluff fluff. thatās the whole fic. the amount of giddiness and happiness it contained was so sooo infectious i couldnāt help but feel like dancing in the rain, too. without too much words, micaron made it so easy for me to vividly paint a motion pictures in my head and to sway along with the characters. absolutely in love with it!
(i will update this post later when i have enough energy to write a proper review for each fic. i donāt wanna just toss the link out here and tell people to go read lol. fanfic authors deserve the utmost respect from everyone n iām doing my part.)
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hello hello!
pls 2 and 12!!! (and 19 cuz i'm just funny like that)
hiiiii ily i miss you come visit meeeeeeeee
2. Did you reread anything? What?
i reread almost nothing, tbh. i got really ambitious about reading this year so i went with books on my reading list and probably read wayyyyy too much. early this year i read the first lord of the rings book though, which i read once before probably like, 10 years ago? it was nice to get back into that world as an adult :')
12. Any books that disappointed you?
sigh. listen. the foundation trilogy was real boring. i only read half of it but it was soooooo repetitive. it introduced a super cool concept (big space empire uses math to predict that it will fall within the next 500 years and go into century long dark ages so they put a colony of scientists and librarians on a distant planet to make an entire encyclopedia of everything ever so that their future generations can shorten the dark ages) and then just tossed all that shit aside immediately (the whole concept is revealed to be fake a generation in and it turns out the colony's actual purpose is to just make a second big empire. the rest of the trilogy is just several generations of clever men condescendingly making this empire). it made me very mad and i kinda wanna write my own version of it now. lemme write a scifi story about a multigenerational library project cmonnnnnn
i also didnt like the time machine. sorry
19. Did you use your library?
Teehee. Maybe a lil bit! (i have six books checked out rn. they were meant to be for my holiday at the end of the year but i already finished 2.5 oops. lets go on the lookout for more next week)
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HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYY š
Tuck in cos this is going to be a long one carina!
I wasn't able to send this to you on ur bday since I was unexpectedly very busy the last couple days
I just wanted to express how good of a writer you are. Your works are the highlight of the day or week. When I discovered your work, I really just felt like I found a once in a lifetime best friend rather then just words. Whenever I am feeling lost, sad or just not in the headspace I read one of your works. You write so subtly expressing everything without overwhelming the readers and leave then to find out details and cherish them. You are one the very very few people who deeply understands complex characters like dazai and project them perfectly. Your works are the ones that make me fall in love more and more with dazai. Heck in fact I didn't even like dazai that much until you trapped me in this beautiful illusions of character of dazai. If there was a museum for literature, then yours would deffo be there. Your works just have that comforting embrace and a soft vibe that I adore. I am thankful I joined the bsd Fandom just because I found your works. You are my inspiration whenever I write something, I want to bend the words and play them out like you do. I fell down the rabbit hole of fanfics from covid time and till now I am a great enjoyed of them, and till now only a few to be exact 4 people from different fandoms have amazed me through writing and one of them is deffo you. One of my goals in life is to write like you do. I think at this point it's safe to say that I am deeply obsessed by your works š
. I also appreciate your humbleness and kindness to those who interact with you while setting firm boundaries. Your works just itch that spot in my brain that I wasn't able to reach. So thank you for presenting us your masterpieces since I can probably imagine how much confidence and courage it may take! If I met you irl, then I would deffo want you as my bestie since I think you are really pleasant. I don't wanna trauma dump but i found your blog when someone close to me died and I felt really alone and that's when I found your masterpieces. So again I thank you from the deepest parts of my heart. Whenever I remember bsd, you will also be in my mind. For ur works belong in the top shelves of libraries.
P.s pls know that it's not my intention to weird you out or something. I was planning this when I asked your b day. If you felt uncomfortable or embarrassed pls forgive me as that was not my intention. I just thought you needed some much deserved appreciation. Think of this as my b day gift :>. I know that no words can express your works' beauty but I tried. Don't forget to take care of yourself and I am looking forward to civzai this week! š wishing you a prosperous and a happy year!!!!
AHHHHHH TUMBLR USER SILVERSNOW2000 ILY SOOOOO MUCH IM SORRY IT TOOK ME LITERALLY ALMOST A WEEK TO ANSWER BUT I'VE BEEN SO BUSY WITH GETTING MYSELF AND MY SISTER READY FOR MOVING </33333
no because truly you have me tearing up right now, i don't even have words to explain how warm my heart feels right now. i almost didn't want to answer your ask because i wanted to hoard it for as long as i could. truly this is something i'm going to come back and reread hundreds of times over whenever i'm feeling down thank you so much im genuinely so teary eyed right now reading this. i'm so sorry to hear that someone close to you died, im sending you my deepest condolences, i'm glad that my fics could help you even just the tiny bit. i've always wanted my blog to be a safe space for people to come to whenever they need something to help them escape from the real world and all of the shittier parts of life so genuinely im so glad my blog could be that space for you during such a hard time.
i'm sending you all of the love, hugs and forehead kisses right now my sweet tumblr user silversnow2000, thank you for this precious ask, i'll treasure it for so long
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š£šš¢š£šš š'š šššš š§š¢ ššš§ š§š¢ šš”š¢šŖ ššš§š§šš„!
TAGGED BY: @pareidolah ā”!!! TAGGING: pls steal & tag me, brain doesn't wanna do the tagging thing today
ALIAS / NAME : grey
BIRTHDAY : july 29th
ZODIAC SIGN : leo
HEIGHT : idk 5' something??
HOBBIES : writing, gaming... i've been getting back into reading... recently started crocheting... also love learning languages, tho i've yet to become successfully fluent in anything other than english
FAVORITE COLOR : purple & yellow
FAVORITE BOOK : the girl with the dragon tattoo
LAST SONG : overcompensate - twenty one pilots
LAST FILM / SHOW : started a comfort rewatch of gravity falls the other day
RECENT READS : currently reading bts: beyond the story & rereading the girl who played with fire
INSPIRATION : idk i get inspiration from everything? from things that happen to me, things i'm watching/reading/playing, things i talk about with others... byan in particular is a very easy character for me to get ideas & inspiration for ok i can and will tie them to anything going on
STORY BEHIND URL : Ā it's both of my original nicknames for byan crammed into one: byan + yanyan. it was meant to be a placeholder until i came up with something better, but i hate thinking up urls so it ended up just sticking lmao
FUN FACT ABOUT ME : uhhhhh... i've touched both a penguin and a dolphin?
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mai!!!! I saw in one of your recent asks you said you feel awkward on here and I totally understand BUT I just wanna say I love you, your blog, and any writing you post. the vibes you give off are so soft and warm and I just want to wrap you in a blanket and give you hot chocolate with a mountain of marshmallows and keep you cozy at all times yknow???
i mentioned before (anon that remembers nagicore! hihi!) that I was so happy I found your new blog and to be reunited with one of my fav writers! I mean it! I do be checking your blog regularly. this is such a little safe space youāve curated! (also I saw someone shared links to your old writing and I was so happy I have a place to reread! I die for sunny side up everytime btw) also I am beyond happy to see that your posting everywhere, everything bc I loved it so much! donāt want you to feel pressured to write tho! please take your time. I will be waiting patiently for literally anything you write haha
Anyways enough about then, letās move on to now! I hope school is going well!! and what you said about your industry switch?? Iām so happy to hear! seeing people find what they love and where they belong (at least something close to it) is always so comforting! wishing you all the best, and sending so much love, hugs and good vibes! āšŖ½
omg its u again !! my og nonnie š„¹ or i guess i should call u angel nonnie now !! its so funny im using the same pfp i did back then too, koala nagi will forever be on my blog
reading this on my period was a mistake because one paragraph in and my eyes are watery :< my heart grows a little bigger every time someone calls my blog their safe space. i think everyone feels kinda off on here sometimes but getting asks like this make me feel so so grateful i keep coming back T^T i love YOU so much and im so beyond happy that i can give u a little escape <33 iāll gladly take that hot cocoa but only if u let me bake u something in return and then we share it together
OMG SUNNY SIDE UP !!! I CANT BELIEVE U REMEMBER IT TITLE AND ALL theres like a handful of old fics id love to rewrite and thats def one of them !! but pls dw i dont feel rushed by u at all i promise, i actually feel kinda motivated now !! almost all of my free time lately has gone to drawing or hsr but i miss writing like i used to :<
thank u so so much !! im so excited ab it too, its something i had on my mind for a little while and i was so nervous ab it but everyone irl has been so supportive ab it w me. its going to be a lot of work so im taking a little break before diving back into school all over again but im so so happy w my decision !! i hope everything has been going okay w u too and uāve been taking good care of urself and getting lots of rest <333
i love u w all of my heart, thank u so much for stopping by just to be so kind š«š¤ i rlly do mean it when i say stuff like this means the world to me and i never ever forget it
#valentines#warm + fuzziesĀ ā¹ š ļ½” ā§ ā#my first emoji nonnie on tirasamu !! im so happy to have u here w me <33
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omg rid i read entertainer on the go and i didnt realize it was split into two parts... I FEEL SO STUPID!!! but pls disregard my last two asks and answer this one!! FIRST OF ALL OF MY GOD I STILL WANT TO SAY THAT I WANT TO BE OC š she was so well-written and the smut is still top-notch š also the full jk pov is so smart looking back at all the plot twists bc oh my god NOT BEING IN OC'S HEAD MADE EVERYTHING 10X MORE SHOCKING
i was originally not gonna share my notes bc i felt like they werent as thought out since i read it while commuting, but AFTER THE SECOND HALF I GOTTA SHARE MY REACTIONS
i also want to reiterate that i feel so embarrassed not realizing this was split into two parts bc i am def not down bad for jk - he is a piece of shit (too bad he was hot š what a waste)
the wait was WELL WORTH IT š
LMAO E., i will never get over the fact that you didn't see the rest of the fic š¤£ which is ok, it happened to a couple ppl!! but the fact that you loved it even then is crazy :')
also yesss ā smart, sexy, composed??? i'd wanna be oc, too :') the smut did take me out, too haha i'm not one to brag, but rereading it i was like what am i on š TOTALLY. not being in her head was an absolute deliberate choice or we would've known the ending when the fic started already.
"too bad he was hot š what a waste" REAL LMAOOOO
you being excited over reading something from me was the cutest fkn thing ever. and ty for liking the banner!!! it's the fastest and most basic one i've made so far, but there's something about it hahaha :') the way your thoughts changed as you read is so interesting to me, that's exactly what i wanted to hear from my readers. from liking jk and finding him funny to absolutely despising him lol. also you can be her or be WITH her, i'm sure she'd love to get to know you š idk what possessed me during the smut but i want that demon to come back the next time, too š
YOU MAKE HIM A POET WAS SO FUNNY TO ME TOO LMAOOO THANK YOU. hehehe honestly, i love your feedbacks to death, and i cannot wait for the next when cmi12 drops bc ugh, i have so many thoughts on that, even though there aren't as many plot twists or angsty bits hehe :') ily ily ilyyyy thank you for being here, my baby <33333
#*entertainer spoilers#omg share your notes anyyyytime i love them either way!! i genuinely adore your way of giving feedback so much#it's why i take longer to answer your asks they're so thought out#notes for rid š¹#e. <3#fic: entertainer
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yaoi scholarā¦.. pls i finished the untamed and word of honor what should my next drama be š (happy endings only pls)
also i wanna know your fav bls. if youāve the time!!
hallo! i didn't mean to let this sit for so long, but i've been using my phone more and don't like answering asks there. i don't actually know many cdramas, but i've got other dramas to rec, if that's alright!
(C/K/J)DRAMAS/LAKORNS:
sotus & sotus s (thai)*
history3: trapped (taiwanese)
seven days (japanese)*
manner of death (thai)*
restart after coming back home (japanese)*
together with me (thai)
long time no see (korean)
semantic error (korean)*
you can watch 2moons2 for the full story, but honestly, the original 2moons mingkit cut is everything to me (thai)*
*based off novel/manga/manhwa
20 of my fav bls under the cut :)
initially, i was going to call it my "top 10", but it's not my top ten, it's just favs that i really love or think you (sara) would also enjoy. so it's just 20 "random" favs. if you (general) want, i can upload the 200+ long list and even include "reviews" of my favourites, but i'll only do that upon request. also here's my blanket rec for mxtx's works. svsss is my fav. i'm very easy. thank you <3
20 OF MY FAV BLS:
sotus is very dear to my heart. i watched it right before i went to university, so it really set that mood for me lol it's not a perfect story, the audio is shit at some parts, and the acting was sometimes stiff, but when the show hit, my fucking god did it HIT. of course i roped all my friends into watching it. it was based on a novel, but the novel didn't particularly stand out to me (sorry). there's also a manga now (3 vols) but i'm just loyal to the show, y'know? it also has a sequel, and that one made one of my friend cry (i actually had to pause the show lol), but for me, the first season is what's rly stellar. (lakorn / rewatches: 4? 5? a lot?)
sasaki and miyano by syou harusono is such an easy read, with lovely art, cute characters, and the softest, sweetest romance. it makes me feel like i've been hit by a car, then the car backed up and drove over me again. sasaki is the light of my life (and also if i looked like him, i'd never shut up. and i project just a little bit too bc oh he just like me fr), and everyday i think about making him my pfp. i owe syou harusono my life. i want to say more about this bc it rly is my fav manga perhaps of all time but that also means i can't say more about it LOL (manga / rereads: 6)
the cat proposed (bakeneko katatte sourou) by hayane dento is quite possibly the best manga i've ever read. the writing is so beautiful, and it's a really relatable and inspiring story for me. plus it's got catboys. *motions to my dnp catboy pfp* but in all seriousness, it's a genuinely great story that squeezes my heart and leaves me in tears (manga / rereads: 5)
doukyuusei is a certified bl classic. i've not read the entire manga series, but i've got the anime film saved to my laptop. that was another thing i roped all my friends into watching, and yes, everyone was gagged (animanga / rewatches: 4?)
koimonogatari by tagura tohru is incomplete, and the "love" part isn't there yet, but my fucking god. i think i just picked it up for funsies at the bookstore, but man was i unprepared. it's not a fun read by any means, nor is it easy, it's actually pretty brutal, but it's a good story, so i felt i should include it. (it is one of my faves) (manga / rereads: none bc i will kill myself.)
summer of you (kimi wa natsu no naka) by furuya nagisa changed me. it was one of those manga that was in my to read list for a really long time, but i just never did it. when i finally did, i totally regret putting it off. i think i cried. it has a sequel (summer with you), and that was good too, but that first one just really got me (manga / rereads: 1)
fools by yeongha has an art style i will forever be jealous of. the original, that is. i'm sure the remastered version is great, and probably the one i should read, but i'm just way too attached to the original and the art is (in my opinion) way better. the story is fun and sweet, and i read it at another formative time in my life. *jazz hands* (manhwa / rereads: 3)
my darling signed in by dimang and new lung. if there's one thing about me, i'm gonna read a video game catfish story. this manhwa is so fucking ridiculous, but i love it. it actually gets pretty dark, which took me by surprise the first time i read it, but it's not between the main cp, if you're worried about that (manhwa / rereads: 3)
dasadanan by herb mandu also has just lovely art. i can just stare at it for ages bc i'm so obsessed. also there's side gl, and i love those two girls so damn much. the story is very easy to read, fluffy, and it's just good feelings all around. it also has some really silly extras. (manhwa / rereads: 4)
history3: trapped is so... it is also dear to me. the main couple is funny and cute; however, it's the side couple that really gets to me. they're so ridiculous and fun, and the actor for zhao zi is an acrobat? does acrobatic dance? i'm not sure exactly, but they wanted to showcase that so he'd just be doing some random gymnast shit for no reason and it's so funny. and jack was made in a lab for me, so. y'know. (drama / rewatches: 2, about to be 3)
glasses cloth and playlist by gwak jonpil was recommended to me by a friend i believe, and i'm so glad i read it. it's another easy read and also very ridiculous, but when i say something is "ridiculous", that's usually a huge compliment. i LOLed at, like, every other panel. the main cp is so damn ridiculous, and i adore them. (manhwa / rereads: 1)
starting with a lie by liang azha has the softest art i've ever seen. that manhua is like a warm hug, if a warm hug also had you gritting your teeth and clenching your fists because GODDAMN JUST GET TOGETHER FOR REAL ALREADY! i love it. oh, but i don't like qiu tian. sorry. (manhua / rereads: 2)
how to survive as a villain by yi yi yi yi is... look, i'm sure it has flaws, right? every story has flaws, but wherever they are, i did not see them. i mean, it's a little bit ridiculous at times, but again, "ridiculous", and the mc was transmigrated into a once-good now-trashy harem novel. and he's also smart but oblivious. bound to be a little bit silly. but also this novel ripped out my heart and stomped on it. and i thought it wouldn't happen with the manhua, but i cried then too. what the hell. i really enjoyed this story, and i think it's what got me into transmigration stories in general :P (danmei / rereads: 2)
a shoulder to cry on by dongmul. okay. OKAY. this is not a "happy" story to most. also the ending without the extras/epilogue is bittersweet to ambiguous. the issue here is that I LOVE ENDINGS LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!! this story is so damn good and i like the art a lot and god, some of the quotes? every time i reach certain scenes i have to pause and stare at the wall because no fucking way. it's just too good. i should go ahead and warn that the couple doesn't have the healthiest of dynamics and their relationship starts bc one of them lies and accuses the other of sexual harassment, so. i'm just letting you know now. but i let myself have toxic yaoi. as a treat. tbh to me it's not that bad, but i know everyone has different intensity levels, so. (manhwa / rereads: 3)
never understand by bbong is an... interesting read. arguably more toxic yaoi, and everyone at times can be kind of awful and annoying, but i think that's fun. sorry. i vividly remember reading this for the first time. for some reason. also, as with a good amount of manhwa that i read in my more formative years, i like this art style. (manhwa / rereads: 1)
semantic error by j soori and angy kim is a lot more graphic and hardcore (sex-wise) than the kdrama, which makes sense, but like... DAMN! my toxic trait is that every three panels i pause and go "hey does anyone else think these guys look like jaedo?" and the sniper that's supposed to shoot me any time i bring up rps lets me live because i'm objectively right. the characters are so damn infuriating, but i like watching car crashes, so it's alright. plus the art is good and, well, i never said i don't ship jaedo. *glass next to me explodes after a bullet cuts through it* whatever! (rereads: none bc it ended not that long ago. but i'll probably reread it soon)
no.6 by asano atsuko and here comes all the haters being like, "oh, that's not bl!" "that's more than bl!" "[some more dumb shit i don't care about]!" suck my pussy. i don't care. i loooove the novels and hope we get a printed official english translation. people are right to say the romance isn't the focus, but it's there, and honestly, i love plotty shit. i've heard it's supposed to be the "happy version" of banana fish or whatever the fuck, but damn if that's not a fucked up version of happy. i sobbed my fucking eyes out (novel & animanga / rereads: 2)
snow fairy by serizawa tomo. i'm not gonna lie, i don't remember this story, but on my big list it has a heart next to it, and i feel like i cried when i read it. i've said i've cried about like half of these, and i cry when i see something cute or when i think about my blorbo or when a song is pretty, so that means nothing. but this one really got to me! i think it was just a simple story with lovely art. it aches, maybe. actually, i've just found my initial review, which reads: "im so miserable....." (rereads: none, but i'd like to reread it asap)
bj alex by mingwa. insert loud and disappointed "ooh" from the crowd bc really, phil-lesterfan? i thought you were a scholar? with taste? LOOK. i know this is a basic manhwa, and i couldn't give a rat's ass about the side cp, but ahn jiwon somehow became pookie. it is agonising, though, 'cause like i said, i don't care about the side cp, but oh my fucking god, it feels like everyone else only cares about them. shoot me. also the side cp is into bdsm, but you can skip over their shit honestly. (rereads: 2)
aien catharsis by oshima kamome was another manga that'd been in my tbr list for ages. i really like how the story feels. aaaaand i just reread it and ah. i see why it affected me. (if you can guess what line stuck out to me, lmk, i'd love to hear it heh) it's historical fiction and has lovely art. tw for sexual assault, but it's not between the cp and it's also not shown. (manga / rereads: 2)
like i said, i have a lot more favs, so if anyone wants the full list, just ask. or if you don't want the full list, i can give rec lists for certain genres or just manga or just danmei, etc, etc. i know i'm in batman hell right now (ah. western yaoi....), but i've been fujoshing since i was like... ten. okay this is of course way longer than it should be. hope u enjoy if you read any of these ^_^ <3
#ask#it was SO HARD not to give honorable mentions#bc it's like. well . it shouldn't be a mention if it's another fav#anyway i'm sorry for having questionable tastes and liking unhealthy pairings. well. i'm not sorry but i'll say it anyway
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