#please let him be the worst fucking human alive. just an absolute shitty shitty guy

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

I really really hope that Fyodor is actually a human and just acts like he isn’t because he thinks he’s above everyone else. Or was human at one point and is no longer.

[cjsinkythoughts]

A History Lesson

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Word Count: 4741

Warnings: Vulgar language, I think that’s it (it’s mainly fluff like Bucky’s)

Summary: You never were fond of history...but if history gives you a man like that? Maybe you could deal with it.

A/N: Here it is! A little later than I had hoped, but my brother is visiting, it was his birthday this week, work’s been a bit hectic, and I ended up writing a little something for Bucky’s birthday on Wednesday, which I didn’t mean to. I got it done, though! First Date with our dear Cap’n Spangles! I have all the First Date ideas for the other Avengers lined up, but I think I’m gonna put this on hiatus for now. I’m gonna try focusing on my College!AU at the moment. If you guys want, I’ll share my First Date plans, though. If I find time, I’ll write the next one. If you haven’t noticed, I have a fondness for collages, so I might do what I’m doing for my College!AU Project and make collages for the other First Dates before writing them. Anyways, enough with my ramblings. Enjoy the date!

You keep checking the clock, waiting for this lecture to be done. You typically enjoy school, but history isn’t a strong suit for you. You try in history, you really do, but all the information - the dates, people, places - it’s too much. You constantly mix things up, no matter how hard you study. And you don’t really get the hype. Who cares what these dead guys did? It happened, it’s done, and it’s time to move on.

“That’s all for today! Don’t forget your papers are due on Monday! You’re dismissed!”

You let out a groan at the mention of the cursed research paper. You had stayed up for hours the previous nights working on it, but so far you have squat. The essay is on the Second World War (more specifically the differences of life between Americans and Europeans at the time), and you know you should’ve done it when it was given a week ago, but your shitty memory makes it difficult to write a paper without five million textbooks in front of you and you don’t have time to go to the library every night between work, friends, and other projects. So, you haven’t done it yet.

Exhausted, mentally and physically, you collect your things and head out of the lecture hall. You pull out your phone to text your friends, telling them you have to work on a paper tonight and you can’t meet up for dinner like you all usually do on Fridays. Deciding to take a breather before working, you start out to the bench overlooking the Potomac River, which you always sat at to relax and just…be. The scenic walk through DC and the sight of the steady river flowing besides the busy city always calms you. 

You sit there for a few moments, letting the slight breeze chill the skin that’s warmed by the sun, listening to it ruffle the trees. The blush pink blossoms that appear when Spring sings her song and chases away Winter flutter to the newly grown, bright green grass below. You enjoy all the seasons, unable to help but love the unique beauty each brings, and Spring is no exception, despite the allergies and tests she brings.

And speaking of tests…

A soft sigh passes your lips as you get out your laptop. You might as well start writing, or at least researching, that paper. You never were good at relaxing when there’s work to be done.

You’re so engrossed in getting the stupid essay done and over with that you don’t notice the jogger who pauses in his run by the very bench you are slaving away on. “Savin’ this seat for anyone?”

“Huh? Oh, uh, no. Go ahead.” You answer distractedly, not even looking up from your screen as the owner of the deep voice sits besides you.

A few more minutes pass in comfortable silence, before you ruin it with a grumble and delete half the paragraph you just wrote. “That doesn’t make sense.” You change tabs to look over the information on the page you have pulled up again, only to furrow your eyebrows. You’re pretty sure the information is wrong. You may have a shitty memory, but you’re sure that the information given on this page is in contrast to the information given in the book you were reading a couple days ago.

“What’re you workin’ so hard on there, honey?”

You let out a huff, throwing your hands up in the air in defeat. “Some dumb research paper for school! It’s on World War Two, and I can’t remember what’s right and what’s wrong and it’s a stupid topic anyways that my stupid teacher assigned! Who fucking cares about a hundred years ago? And how the hell am I supposed to know this? I wasn’t alive! You know what I…”

The words die on your tongue as you finally glance over at the stranger keeping you company.

Blonde hair that seems gold with the way the sun is hitting the strands, which are damp and in slight disarray due to his exercise. Bright blue eyes reflecting the sky above, hidden beneath long lashes that you’re immediately envious of. Pretty pink lips, matching the cherry blossoms on the trees surrounding you, pulling up into an amused sort of smile. The makings of a beard lining his jaw and littering his cheeks.

Steve Rogers. Captain America. You just ranted about how stupid history is to Captain fucking America. You just ranted about how you have to write a dumb essay on World War Two to Captain fucking America.

Ignoring the way your body heats up, starting in your toes and climbing up your legs, chest, and neck to reach the tips of your ears, a nervous little chuckle is all you can give. You clear your throat, trying to think of how to apologize. “I guess you wouldn’t know what I mean, huh?”

What in the ever loving fuck was that? That was not an apology!

You clear your throat and try again. “I-I mean…sorry. It’s not - I didn’t mean-”

“No, no. It’s fine, sweetheart.” The grin he shoots you makes you glad you aren’t standing up, knowing full well your knees would’ve buckled if you were. You open your mouth to apologize again, but he shakes his head before you can speak. “Really. It’s okay. I get it. I used to be a student too. And you’re right; it was a long time ago and there’s a lot of things that happened. Even I have a hard time keeping track of everything that went down.”

You merely blink at him, nodding slowly. Say something. For the love of God, please just say something. Anything! “Yeah. I can barely remember what I had for breakfast this morning.” Really? You’re sitting besides the one and only Captain America and that’s what you decide to say?

You feel yourself slump your shoulders slightly, trying to shrink down into absolute nothingness. But even that wouldn’t work because he’s got that friend of his that could shrink and he’d find you. It seems that you were destined to be embarrassed in front of one of the most beautiful human beings on the planet. Screw the universe.

Instead of teasing you or embarrassing you further, he chuckles and nods in agreement, his eyes lighting up. “You’re not the only one. My pal Clint has got the absolute worst memory. We tease him all the time for it. How he became an agent with the memory of a goldfish, I’ll never know.” You laugh at that, your muscles relaxing and your anxiety easing up.

“Yeah, well, I’ve gotta get through college before I’m in the clear.”

“Don’t worry about it, honey. I’m sure you’ll be fine. Uh…so, a World War Two paper, huh? Need some help? I’m kind of an expert on the topic.”

Breath hitching as he scoots closer, you swallow thickly and shrug. “I don’t want to bother you. You look like you’re in the middle of a run.” You gesture to the tight ass t-shirt hugging his torso that you’re sure is sizes too small for him and the joggers hanging off his hips.

Following your gesture, he looks down, before shaking his head. “Nah. I’ve already ran a few more miles than I was going to today.”

“Are-are you sure?”

There’s that grin again. You’re not sure you’ll be able to survive him tutoring you if he keeps  giving you that adorable toothy smile. “Honest. I’ve got the rest of the day. We can go to the library if you want. Or we can stay here. Whatever works best for you. I don’t mind either way.”

You blink again, like an idiot, as you process his words. Whatever works best for you. What a gentleman. “Uhh…I was about to head to the library anyways, but I really don’t want to bother you-”

“Trust me, honey. It’d be my pleasure.”

“If you insist.”

“I do.”

You let out a soft laugh and nod at his insistence, starting to pack up your things. “Okay. I’m Y/N, by the way.” You stand up as he does and offer your hand.

“Steve. But I guess you figured that out.” Taking your hand, you expect him to shake it, but he squeezes it softly and brings it to his lips instead.

Clearing your throat, you tease him a bit to hide your bashfulness at his actions. “You’re a real gentleman, aren’t you?”

He shrugs with a slight smirk, gently dropping your hand and letting it go after another squeeze. “My momma raised nothing less.”

“I’m sure she’d be proud.”

His playful eyes go slightly more somber at that, his smirk morphing into a grateful smile. “Thank you.”

Giving no reply, you smile softly and nod your head to the path. He nods back before quickly falling into step besides you, asking you more about your paper as you walk to the library.

* * * * * * * *

Giggling behind your hand to stay quiet, or at least attempt to since you both had already been berated by the librarians for being too loud, your attention is once again diverted to Steve and his stories.

It started out fine; he helped you find reliable books and told you which things were true. But not even half an hour passed before Steve told you a story about the Howling Commandos after something in a book reminded him of it. Your concentration since then has been split between your paper and Steve’s retelling of his past.

“Sorry. I keep distracting you. What’s next?”

You snicker again and shake your head. “No, no. It’s okay. I’m almost done anyways. I’ve actually written down a few things you said, if you don’t mind me using them. My professor can’t exactly argue with Captain America, now can he?”

His lips pull up and his shoulders shake in silent laughter. “I guess not. Of course I don’t mind. You can quote me anytime. See?” He nudges you with his shoulder playfully. “History isn’t so bad.”

“Not when you’re telling it.” You respond earnestly, grinning up at him.

“Eh, Bucky’s always been a better storyteller than me.” He gives a little shrug and rubs the back of his neck.

You shake your head at his modesty. “Well I think you do just fine. You’re the first person to get me interested in history. Hey, can you read this over for me? I just need to finalize this paragraph and do the conclusion.”

When you receive silence as an answer, you look over at the blonde with an eyebrow raised. The ocean eyes scanning over you make you a bit self conscious, so you shift slightly in your seat, making him come back from whatever thoughts overtook his mind. “Sorry. Of course I can, honey. That’s what I’m here for. Let me see.”

He gives you a few pointers on what to add and what to get rid of, before you finally finish, saving your work and closing your laptop with a huff. 

“What a mind workout. I’m sure my brain’s got abs now.”

Heads swivel towards you two as Steve guffaws, a lady a few tables down shushing him. He apologizes, still snickering. “Abs, huh?”

“I mean, not as good as yours but…” You freeze, inwardly facepalming. And you were doing so well.

He gives you a cheeky grin. “I’ve got good abs?”

“Oh don’t give me that!” You hiss out quietly. “You know you have good abs. I’m just stating facts is all.”

Another soft chuckle leaves those pretty lips and he twists in his seat to crack his back before standing to collect the books you both got out. “When’s the paper due again?”

You stand to help him, but you get a case of the butterfingers just as you go to pick the books up, making the pile tumble to the floor. “Ah shit.” Steve smiles gently at you as you huff and give him an exasperated look. “My bad.”

He snickers, bending down to help you despite having his own books to carry, like the gentleman he is. “So? Due date?”

“Monday.” You answer with a sigh, straightening up. You carefully set the books on the table to pile them better. “We should get the grade back by Friday.”

He hums, taking a few more books in those strong arms of his. “Ah, well, you’ll get a good grade. I believe in you.”

You smirk at him as you shift your bag so you could carry books under your arms. “I’m sure I will with your help, Captain.” He scoffs and rolls his eyes at your teasing manner. “Thank you, by the way.”

“Of course. I had a good time.” He sends that stunning smile your way and this time you are standing. Luckily you have a table to lean on casually instead of falling on your face. “Plus, now you’ve got a free weekend.”

“Ugh. I wish.” You shake your head. “This is my final semester before I graduate. There’s loads to do. But this makes it easier.” Heading through the aisles of the library, you catch sight of the time on a clock on the wall and your eyes widen. You’d been there for a little over three hours! “Damn! I’m sorry I took up your Friday, though. I’m sure there’s things you want to do before you have to go back to New York, huh?”

Shrugging his broad shoulders, he runs a hand through his golden locks and drops the books he had in his arms on the desk for returns. “Not really. I’m here for the next couple weeks, actually. Meetings and stuff. Plus, it doesn’t even take me an hour to get here, so I can really come whenever I want.”

“That’s nice.” You follow his lead and set your books down, readjusting your bag on your shoulder. “I wish I could go to New York whenever I want. I’m way too poor for that.”

He chuckles again. You’ll never get tired of the sound of his laughter. “I’m sure you’ll get there one day.”

You shrug half heartedly, not really believing him. You’re barely making it in DC. There’s no way you could make it in the Big Apple. “Sure. Someday. I’m serious, though. I’m sorry you wasted  your time with some stressed out college student instead of enjoying time with your friends.”

“I’m serious too, honey. It’s no problem; I enjoyed it. And it’s not a waste of my time. Not as long as you get a good grade.”

You laugh as the two of you head out of the building, stopping on the steps and facing each other. “How will you know if I get a good grade?”

He purses his lips in thought. “Meet me at the bench next Friday.” He finally said, his eyes sparkling. “Then we’ll see. Until then, Y/N.”

You grin, taking the large hand he offers you, firmly shaking it before he can kiss your knuckles, making him snicker. “Until then, Steve.”

* * * * * * * *

Feet pounding against the concrete, you practically jump when you spot the man already sitting at the bench. “Steve!” You shout happily, waving your paper in the air. The blonde shoots up, a brow raised in curiosity. “I got a 97!”

You come to a halt in front of him, but it’s too quick, so your clumsy feet trip over each other. Before you can fall, he catches you with ease, smiling down at you in amusement. Small pants leave your lips as sweat trickles down your spine. Where’s that breeze when you need it?

“Uhm…oops?” What the hell was that?! That was embarrassing, that’s what it was!

He chuckles, straightening you up. “You were saying?” 

With pride lifting up the corners of your mouth, you shove the paper at his chest, once again grateful that he ignored your blunderings. “97%!”

“I told you you’d be fine. And I knew it wasn’t a waste of my time.” Steve looks up from the paper to give you a toothy grin.

“Thank you again.” You take the paper he hands back to you and shove it in your bag. “I probably would’ve failed the class without this grade. Is there really nothing I can do to pay you back for your time?”

He taps his chin in faux-thought, before tilting his head innocently. “You can loan me some of your time on Sunday.”

You purse your lips, confusion written over your features. “My time? On Sunday? Oh!” You light up, figuring he just needs help with something. “Yeah, duh. Okay. What do you need help with? I can promise I’ll try my hardest, but I might not-”

“No, no. Honey, that’s not-” he laughs, shaking his head and grabbing your hand to make you stop rambling. “I’m askin’ you out.”

“Out?” You pause, registering what that meant. “Like…on a date?” Is he serious? There’s no way he wants to go on a date with you. You pretty much called his life story boring, to his face, and then made him spend three hours on a Friday evening at the library working on a college paper with you.

He snickers with a nod. “Yes, on a date. So whaddya say, sweetheart?”

“Yes!” You blurt out without thinking, before you shy back, feeling yourself heat up as you tend to do around this God of a man. “Y-yeah. Yeah, I’d love to. Sunday. I can do that.”

He beams adorably, like a child being allowed to buy his favorite candy bar. Or a puppy with his favorite toy. Yeah…he reminds you of a puppy. Which only makes him that much cuter.

“Awesome! Meet me here at noon. Does that work?”

You nod vigorously. “That works perfectly.”

“Perfect.” He repeats, before taking your hand and bringing your knuckles to his lips once more.

* * * * * * * *

You’re sitting on the bench, tapping your toes nervously and checking your phone every minute. He said noon and it’s only eleven thirty. It’s a bit inconvenient, to say the least, when the place you go to relax is the place you’re meeting the person making you anxious. You could barely sleep the previous night, too many doubts lingering in your head. You seem to always be making a fool of yourself in front of him, but he was the one who asked you out, so that had to count for something.

You try not to think too hard about it, instead thinking back to last Friday in the library and how his features lifted when he told stories of his childhood and the Howling Commandos and the grin he got when he told you about the things they used to do that would get them in trouble.

“But I’m Captain America, and who’s gonna say no to this face?”

A little giggle leaves your lips as you remember his words, before you’re startled back to reality as a familiar smooth voice sounds besides you.

“Whatcha giggling at, honey?”

You whip over to see Steve grinning in amusement, leaning on the back of the bench. Your eyes drag down his figure. Another too tight t-shirt showing every ridge and curve on his torso, a jacket over his broad shoulders along with a casual pair of jeans. You had seen a meme about Steve having the proportions of a Dorito and, looking at him now, you can see how true it was. It almost makes you laugh again, but you remember what exactly is happening, and you suddenly can’t find anything funny.

“Sweetheart? You alright?”

“Huh? Oh. Yes. Yeah. I’m fine. I was just…thinking.”

He raised an eyebrow, smirking and leaning his forearms against the back of the bench next to where you’re sat. “And those adorable little giggles?”

There’s that familiar flush that you’ve learned to ignore, praying to God he didn’t notice your heart skipping a beat. “Uh, I just remembered something. That’s all.”

He gives a little hum, before hopping over the back and landing besides you. “Seems like we both had the same idea. Gettin’ here early.”

“If you must know, I was just…” You shrug. “To be honest, I’m a little anxious.”

“I’m not that scary, am I?” He teases, nudging you gently.

You roll your eyes and give him a look. “I don’t think there’s a bone in your body capable of being scary. I’m just…I’m nervous I’m gonna embarrass myself���again.”

Steve shakes his head, looking at you earnestly. “You’re not gonna embarrass yourself.”

Picking at the hem of your shirt, you scoff, shaking your head. “I already have. The amount of times I’ve tripped or said something stupid or rambled, which I’m doing right now, or-”

“Honey, honey. Slow down.” The blonde chuckles. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I find all of those things endearing. Now, the amount of times I’ve seen my teammates slip and fall on their faces while chasing an enemy? That’s embarrassing. Just the other day, Buck tripped on the roof of a car. Sam has it recorded.”

You let out a laugh at that and nod. “Okay, okay. Sorry. I didn’t mean to get all insecure on you-”

“It’s fine, Y/N.” Steve insists. “Now,” he stands and offers his hand. “Let’s go get some lunch, yeah?”

You look at his hand before looking up at him and taking it without hesitation. “Okay.”

* * * * * * * *

After rounds of questions during lunch, Steve took you around the Smithsonian to all the different museums. Just like history, you had never been overly fond of museums. You typically walked around for a little bit, never really reading the information, only enjoying the pictures.

It’s different with Steve. Just like how it was different writing the research paper with him. He makes everything interesting, telling you his own facts and stories. Especially once you get to his exhibit in the Air and Space Museum.

Once you arrive, he puts on a hat and ducks his head, trying not to bring attention to you both while on a date. You tease him a bit, swinging your linked hands as you walk in with a cheeky grin. He nudges you with his elbow, his own smile painted on his lips.

You can’t help but listen and hold onto his every word, as if you’d die if you forget a single sentence. The light in his eyes as he talks about his past, showing you the pictures and plaques excitedly. Like a child during show and tell, he’s practically skipping from exhibit to exhibit, dragging you along behind him.

Giggling at his elation, you eagerly, and with no resistance, let him take you through his story. “They keep updating it.” He explains as you leave the area with World War Two and the Howling Commandos, entering through a corridor with modern pictures of him and the Avengers. “Every couple years or so they call me and tell me they’re adding another thing.”

“Doesn’t that get annoying?” You wonder, reading a wall about the Battle of Manhattan with interest. “Your whole life being put on display for everyone to see?”

Steve shrugs. “I dunno. I’ve never really minded. They don’t put in personal things, so it’s not too bad. You could learn more from the internet about me.”

You nod, knowing how true that really was. “You’ve got a point. Still. It must be a bit weird being a national icon.”

“I’ll admit, people stopping me on the street is getting a little old. I used to wish to be someone who changed the world. Now I have and sometimes I wish I could be normal. But I wouldn’t change what I’ve done. Who I am. Not if people can learn from it. Not if I can keep people safe.”

Turning away from the wall to glance at Steve, who has his hands in his pockets studying the wall, you smile and tilt your head. “You’re a good man, Steve Rogers.”

He turns to you, his lips pulling up. “That’s all I hope for.” His voice is quiet, earnest, before it becomes lighter as he gestures back to the wall. “You know the first thing we did after winning was go out for shawarma? It was Tony’s idea.”

“No way.” You laugh. “All six of you?”

“Yeah! We go there for every Battle of Manhattan Anniversary, now. I’ll take you some time. It’s a nice place.”

“Is that a promise?”

He smirks at your teasing tone. “Absolutely.”

* * * * * * * *

After your museum hopping, he takes you to Arlington Cemetery to show you a few friends and fellow soldiers he met all those years ago. It’s such a personal intimate thing that he shares, and you think you shouldn’t be there to witness it, but he’s quick to reassure you that’s not the case. That he wouldn’t have anyone else by his side, listening to his stories.

By the time you get back to the city, it’s getting dark, so you two head out for dinner before Steve takes you up the Washington Monument to look at the city lights. He makes sure you have the top all to yourselves; there’s perks of being an Avenger - especially one of the leaders.

“Alright, alright.” Leaning on the rail, you turn to him with a smile. “So maybe history isn’t as bad as I originally thought.”

“Yeah? I convinced you, did I?”

You roll your eyes at his smirk, shoving his shoulder lightly. “Maybe a bit. But only when you’re telling it. You think there’s any way you could come to history with me?” You joke with a laugh, feeling yourself flush at the chuckle and grin he gives you.

“I wish I could, honey.” He spoke softly, running a thumb over your knuckles. “Unfortunately, I’ve got work to do. I’m heading back to New York tomorrow. I’ll be back on Friday, though. If you would want to-”

You beam and nod energetically. “I’d love to go out again, Stevie.”

Giving your hand a squeeze, he beams back. “Fantastic.” He looks back out to the window and gives a little sigh. “It’s gettin’ late and you’ve got class tomorrow.”

“Yeah. I should probably get going. Do you, I mean, would you mind walking me home?” You blink up at him through your lashes hopefully.

“Of course!” His eyes - which you found throughout the day weren’t entirely blue, but had some green hues to them - lit up as you two start towards the elevator. He tucks you under his strong arm, pulling you close. “You wanna get ice cream or something on the way?”

“You read my mind, Captain.”

* * * * * * * *

By the time you reach your door, you’ve both finished your ice cream and he’s telling yet another story while you laugh, once again swinging your linked hands. 

When it comes time to say goodbye, you can’t help but wish your hand could stay in his for a while longer. Knowing that you’d be saying farewell, you hold on a bit tighter. “Pick me up on Friday?”

He nods, squeezing your hand before letting it go and brushing his fingertips along your cheek. “I’ll call you later too, alright, sweetheart?”

“Okay.” You agree eagerly. “You gonna kiss me goodnight now, soldier?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He chuckles softly, before gently grabbing your chin. Using his other hand, he pulls you closer by the waist, pressing his lips to yours. It’s soft and sweet and perfect, just like him, but it ends too quickly for your liking. He pulls back, nudging his nose against yours, and murmuring against your lips. “Sleep well.”

You smile, leaning your forehead against his. “Good night, Stevie.”

Stepping away, he lifts your knuckles to his lips. “G’night.”

You stop him before he could turn all the way. “Steve?” He pauses to look over his shoulder at you with an eyebrow raised. You have a question, and you can’t help but ask it, it having been on your mind for days. “Why’d you stop your run just to sit by me?”

“And leave a beautiful dame like yourself before I could get your name? I may be a super soldier, honey, but I’m still a man. Abyssinia Friday, Y/N.”

[strangestcase]

absolutely yes please share ur headcanons :D

-transmasc, he/they. Also goes by it/its but only as Hyde.

-kiiind of voidpunk. sometimes they have trouble seeing themselves as a human, even more so now that he’s... not entirely one.

-his parents were super demanding and rather transphobic. It took him a lot of time to grow out of the “i’m just a broken woman“ mindset, made worse by his attraction to men. “But what if I’m just a straight girl?”

-fucked off to Oxford in their late teens to avoid getting married off to a much older dude and he ended up in college and the rest is history.

-HUGE horror nerd. collects horror story trivia like it’s stamps (no movies, sorry, it’s the 1880s). Has to tone this down a LOT around people, particularly if they’re his age. The gorier and weirder the better.

-has a morbid ass fascination with teeth for some reason

-at some point in their life, they collected roadkill, cleaned it, and used the skeletons as decoration.

-never has gotten gender affirming surgery, though he does bind to pass. He’s undisclosed and only a handful of people know they’re trans; Henry is legit terrified he’s going to get hatecrimed if he undisclosed it.

-loves strawberry candy, hates peppermint anything, can’t handle spicy food but eats it anyway because who has ever heard of self control?

-he’s actually rather snappish and has a cocky, temperamental side he doesnt usually show (guess who gets it with none of their redeeming qualities; hint, its name begins with H).

-welsh! he loves his country but has had to let go a lot of its culture to fit in better with English society ;-;

-they’ve spent so much time dialing down his personality, he’s pretty much only himself around very close friends.

-has published plenty of articles, dissertations, papers, and books on psychology and pharmacology and [insert any science that could logically be used to make the potion]. He’s kind-of well known in psychiatric circles and is the type of university professor that makes you buy his book.

-in fact he is a university professor in London and he has a reputation of being a cutesy, overly nice guy

-bad coping mechanisms such as: drugs! sweeping it under the rug! dissociating in the shower! more drugs!

-living incarnation of the “this is fine” meme

-dog person hands down, he has two dogs and they love them a lot, though his favorite animal is probably the owl because symbolism (like him, the owl looks wise and majestic but is just stupid and full of shit)

-they were taught to play piano as a child. while he enjoys music, the experience was very stressful and in fact piano lessons were, you guessed it, another way in which his shitty parents controlled him. he’s grown to hate it.

-looks all soft and cute and bashful and has no spine so he doesn’t really take choices of his own <3 Victorian repression culture icon

-there’s SO MUCH SHIT he’s been swallowing and bottling up oh my god. Anger issues. Intrusive thoughts. Identity troubles. The goddamn weirdest middle age crisis ever. He’s never seen a therapist about this because they’re afraid “someone will know”.

-*feels a negative emotion* “I’m the worst person alive ever“

-*does something good* “I’m literally the greatest fucking motherfucker there’s ever been”

-speaking of that he tends to speak very formally and never swear unless there’s a level of familiarity and even then it takes a whole lot of anger to get him to even say tame-ish stuff like “damn” or “shit”

-has reoccurring nightmares about pregnancy and childbirth and he’s all too aware of what it means

-they’ve never had the best relationship with his body and self-image and guess what!!!! the whole shapeshifting ordeal is making it worse!!!!

-actually canon but here it goes: he paces when he’s nervous and the more nervous he gets the faster he paces

-also fidgets a lot!

-enjoys doodling in the margins of books and his diary <3 they actually draw real well but they’re Never Ever going to show you those doodles...

[dayna-scully]

ncis/tiva liveblog...the dregs

season 3  |  season 4   |  season 5  |  season 6  |  season 7  |  season 8  |  season 9  |  season 10

11x01

the real whiskey tango foxtrot is the writing on this show

at the moment, you

😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖

want some company?

yes :-)

murder me???????

“this is good”

that fake typing though

you’ll always be an agent in her heart

is mcgee Abby’s Shannon

after what happened to secnav, how can I stay?

oh gut punch

clonk

I mean, someone’s gonna get a souvenir from Tony’s trip to Israel

a living, breathing, tiny human souvenir…

maybe it’s not the brightest idea, but we’re not coworkers anymore, so

Anthony!!!!!!

he was so happy

I’ll travel for good hummus

I didn’t know that “hummus” was, uh, some kind of new…slang

but all of their stuff is still there?

mid century mob hit

where’s ziva?

thank you dick

he reminds me of the terrible sweets clone bones got after sweets died

which was a terrible decision, btw

who would she trust

TONY

SHE WOULD TRUST TONY

oh tony

11x02

don’t worry tony, we will be okay

can you put the hammer down please

perhaps the him is you

baby ziva hadn’t yet been weaponized by the men in her life

gibbs absolutely knows who Captain Kirk is

why should she have the man that she loves

wow that’s really dark

and cruel

he looks good with some hair on his face

Tim does not

I can’t believe they’ve kept that goatee on him for multiple seasons

tony should have stayed in Israel

baby!!!!

“I meant to do that this morning”

HE DIDNT FORGET HE WAS JUST TOO BUSY GETTING BUSY

confession: I don’t think I’ve ever actually watched this episode

I didn’t watch s11 because at that point we (obvs) knew cote wasn’t staying

yeah dinozzo can sure feel somethin

maybe you could try saying what you’re saying

he already found her, dad

you know how hard that was

you did not have to do any of this

except???? He did????

her “old life” man fuck these writers

finally I found you here, of course

FUCK THESE WRITERS

the center of all this pain is me

I’ll kill whoever wrote that

I hate these people!!!!

this is what Eli made of her

bad adr

tony should have stayed

it’s a start

you don’t have to do this alone

ziva was a fantastic investigator, regardless of what she did for Mossad

she loved being an investigator

this doesn’t make sense

just come home

I remember after truth and consequences came out I sat down with a notebook and my iPod and whittled down a tiva playlist

it was a very intense project

I just want you to come home with me

oh tony

I can change with you

he should have just…stayed

that’s a very bad fake black eye

did he clip Tobias’ ass

you shot me in the ass!

I’m the one got shot in the ass for it

they done did it

I want to make him proud

😖😖😖😖😖 her daddy

alone

that’s horseshit

horseshit!

tony you are so…loved

I wanna be done with this

this hurts more than I remember

I am more angry about all this than I remember

then came tali

pick up the phone!!!

hey ziver

13x24

who made these terrible styling choices

why does tony look like an old man

I bet it’s the same person who thinks that goatee McGee has now was a good idea

I can’t stay here

surely she would have told gibbs

right??

he wouldn’t have told tony

maybe she wouldn’t have told him tony was the father

oh tony

ah, dinozzo

oh are you just fucking figuring that out now gibbs??????

ten years later??????

really???

I hate these writers

I need to know what happened

I’ll breathe when Trent kort is dead

are these writers fucking serious

his ziver???????

fuck

stop with the monologue

something about you running off with her father

friends don’t let friends get hit by mortar fire

you’re Mossad you know everything

like, this whole ass house was leveled to nothing but tali’s room just…survived intact

how convenient!!!!! Almost like ziva had planned this!!!!

tali girl

tali is ziva’s daughter

and your daughter, tony

what a clusterfuck

no doubts

that was not her decision to make

it wasn’t

it was, for once, in character

but it was a shitty decision nonetheless

she knew you wouldn’t be pleased/then she never knew me at all

we cannot lose sight of Anthony

daddy tony

tali’s aba

your mom always packed a go bag

because she was always one step ahead

and she would have been ahead of this

you’re a single dad now, tony

were you and ziva an item the whole time

because lbr of all of them, McGee would absolutely be the last one to figure it out

and he wouldn’t even figure it out, Abby would tell him

I loved her, Tim

ima and aba

ziva must have told her

tony must have always had that with him

I think I’ve decided against watching 16x13

I know the gist of what happens, I’ve seen the screenshots

I don’t read Hebrew, so the fantranslations are all I really need anyways

I don’t really want to watch them write gibbs badly again

how did he get his eyeball back

selective morality

she was my family

I’ve never been anybody’s everything before

abby knew

abby 100% knew

aaand I’m done

I don’t even really know how to summarize all of this.  I don’t understand the thought that will-they-won’t-they is somehow more exciting and fulfilling than consummation of slowburn.  Shows keep doing it over and over again, and sometimes they get it right at the last minute (see: josh and Donna, tww) but most of the time they get it wrong.  Like at least with something like Olivia and Elliot (svu) there was a reason that they couldn’t be together - he was married (though I think they could have and should have handled Chris leaving better than him just vanishing).

Bones kind of fumbled through it all - I don’t think that they would have put b/b together if Em hadn’t gotten pregnant.  Maybe eventually, but I think they had and would have made the same mistakes the ncis writers did.

Clearly that could have been handled better, but like b/b being together was so good?? They were happy, there was still drama, but god it wasn’t a poorly written tease (well, actually, let’s not get into the quality of the writing on Bones)

Cote is such a fantastic actor, and as horrible as MW is, he is (was??) a really good match for her (was if only because bull kind of sucks and I’m not sure if it’s shitty writing or him sucking or him not wanting to be there??).  There was so much emotion and intensity in all of their scenes, romantic or not, it’s absolutely astounding.  I really appreciate them for all the effort that they put into tiva, because they were really the heart of it.

How often do you have couples that are written but not acted? Couples with absolutely no on-screen chemistry, and actors who can’t or won’t put the effort in to make it work.  And they had that!  They could have done so much with it.  But the writers failed. Over and over again, they failed to deliver consistent characterization and complex plots beyond the same old.

Tony was so much more than a frat boy.

Ziva was so much more than a weapon and a perpetual victim.

I was trying to find good fanfic while I was watching (I…didn’t find much), but there was one where the author decided that Ziva, who was alive, had only put the message out that tali was Tony’s because she knew it would get his attention, and that tali was just some random guy’s.  And that really pisses me off.  Ziva (the writers) made some really poor choices in regards to Ziva’s impulse control, but that’s too far - Ziva wouldn’t intentionally hurt tony, and that would be the worst thing she could do.

Ugh.  I’m tired.

basically how I feel about the series:

[o-dasaku]

i was wondering if you could explain the descriptions on your fgc posts and how they relate to the characters? i'm v interested

oooo for sure

don’t you (forget about me) > don’t you try and pretend, it’s my feeling we’ll win in the end. 

this one’s kind of obvious, the back half of the lyric is my brot3 tag for blamtina - they’re altogether hopeful kids that go through some (a lot of) shitty times. they’ll come out on top in the end, they’re sure of it.

here comes the sun >  here comes the sun and i say, it’s all right.

it’s a metaphor!!!!!!!! dani’s the sun, you fools!!!!!!!!!!! i don’t want to say that santana spent all of s4 hung up on brittany, but santana spent all of s4 hung up on brittany. i have no doubt she hooked up with her fair share of beautiful ladies, but she definitely didn’t date - i don’t think it’s because she was waiting for brittany to dump sam (okay she was, but not so they could be together again), i think she genuinely just didn’t feel super comfortable with it - she never really dated brittany, they were best friends and then they were girlfriends too and santana doesn’t want to leap into that minefield for the first time with just anybody.

enter: daniella perea, struggling musician who picks up a job at spotlight to help pay the bills and gets along with everybody, which is fucking rare because 90% of that diner’s staff are broadway divas in waiting (and santana) so people take notice and santana doesn’t want to like her, but she does. she really does.

so moving on from britt is hard and it’s scary, but it’s alright. she has dani. they’ll figure it out.

creep > i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.

i almost picked like twenty different lyrics here because it’s a Very Them song, but i feel like this speaks very well to their characters: this lyric is rachel in a nutshell, she doesn’t just want to the best, she wants to be perfect. it speaks to brody because it’s the antithesis to him: he doesn’t care to be perfect, he just wants to be himself (who, lucky him, happens to be very talented).

sidenote: i think brochel really work on that level, rachel challenges brody to want to be better while brody can remind rachel that being less than perfect is perfectly okay. i’m still sad about how they treated him.

never can say goodbye > though i try and try to hide my feelings, they always seem to show.

listen, i hate to draw riverdale/glee comparisons, but quinn’s veronica lodge. you want fire, cheryl bombshell? sorry, but my speciality’s ice. quinn wants to be cold, wants to be this untouchable ice queen but-

she just isn’t (just like veronica, funnily enough). quinn fabray feels so much and isn’t that just the worst? i don’t think quinn wears her heart on her sleeve the way so many characters on this show do, but she feels things very strongly, much to her own annoyance. whether or not the world sees isn’t really up to her either, as much as she wishes it was.

(on the riverglee comparisons: santana is cheryl, puck is reggie and sam is archie. i know people cast finn as archie but ehhhh. i don’t have anything super solid on anyone else, but rachel is probably betty and kurt is probably kevin (i’m not saying that because they’re both gay, more “i exist solely to prop up betty/rachel when needed”). jbi is evelyn from the farm and i will hear No Arguments on that.)

being alive > i’ll always be there as frightened as you to help us survive being alive.

i’ll be honest, there is an infinitely more kurt line in this song (someone to crowd you with love/someone to force you to care/someone to make you come through) but um, this is literally one of my top 3 musical theatre songs and that lyric is one of my absolute favorite lyrics ever, musicals or otherwise. 

but this line does relate to kurt (and blaine, i guess- this song is clearly meant to implicate him- for the first time, i really know what it means) well enough. i know there’s a fuckton of kurt and death meta but i don’t claim to know him well enough to make sense of any of it so we’ll look at this very shallowly - i think kurt experiences life quite differently to the normal person, and we can owe that to his mother’s death or the long term bullying or whatever tickles your pickle, but he does seem a little... removed, i think. i don’t think he’s afraid to be alive, but i do think he has a long list of reservations about being alive. i think that’s where blaine generally works for him, because blaine is so alive - even if he’s scared to death about it (see: sadie hawkins, the slushie incident, literal depression), sometimes. 

i’m not here to shit on any ships, but i do wish i shipped klaine more. oh well. i’ll always have s2.

i feel pretty/unpretty > i was told i was beautiful, what does that mean to you?

i know this is a quinn line (and a very good one at that), but i find it interesting when i apply it to both of the girls. quinn and rachel are both very beautiful, though in clearly different ways - and they both have trouble believing that. or more accurately, quinn finds herself beautiful but not her self. 

anyway. i wonder if quinn’s parents ever called her beautiful, before she was quinn. they seem incredibly shallow, even if judy develops away from that - i have a headcanon that lucy was very close with their pastor (not...in a creepy way jdsdlaks) and he was pretty much the only positive interaction she had with any elders until after quinn was a thing but ANYWAY he always told lucy that she was a beautiful person but only tells quinn that she looks lovely. that informs a lot of this performance (especially this line) for me. anyway. whatever.

so to rachel: her brief interactions with her fathers make me think that she grew up being told she was beautiful quite often, but then her peers are always telling her differently - i have no doubt that places more esteem in her father’s opinions, but i’m sure that being told two different things would confuse the fuck out of a kid. quinn was likely spearheading the “crazy berry is ugly” craze in their freshman year, so. i don’t know. the what does that mean to you? is an interesting question for that line of thought.

being good won’t be good enough > i’ll be the best or i’ll be nothing at all.

please, she said emphatically.

everytime > every time i try to fly, i fall; without my wings, i feel so small.

listen. what a marley mood.

it’s all coming back to me now > there were things i’d never do again, but then they’d always seemed right.

rachel Fucks Up A Lot. we been knew. i do think she learns from a lot of her fuck-ups (not all, see: leaving nd for cabaret and then leaving funny girl for that’s so rachel), but she did genuinely think she was doing the right thing a lot of the time (see: telling finn about drizzle’s true paternity and robbing puck and quinn of that opportunity) and i don’t think she’d change much, if she had another chance - she just wouldn’t go repeating the bare majority of fuck ups.

hand in my pocket/i feel the earth move > and what it comes down to, my friends, is that everything’s just fine, fine, fine.

listen, considering this is their proposal song, i would’ve hoped for something a bit more meaningful. but i do think that there is something to the simplicity of this song, - brittany and santana are happy. they have no issues this season (outside of britt’s bridezilla tendencies) and as much as they’ve always been the type to get their feelings out via song (see: landslide, songbird, mine), they’re definitely at a point where they can just. talk about their feelings.

their song is simple because they are too, finally. what it all comes down to? they’re fine, fine, fine. :P

human nature > see that girl? she knows i’m watching, she likes the way i stare.

another song i almost picked like, five different lyrics for lmao. while the others spoke nicely to characters, this lyric is quite indicative of their mid-s3 relationship (mercy is still w shane, sam’s trying to push in on that) and uh, i think this is an unpopular opinion. so. hang tight, kids.

while mercedes and sam were certainly attracted to one another, i think there’s a few more things at play here: sam likes being in a relationship, knows that he and mercedes could be good together and he’s trying to recapture being sixteen again, so dating the girl he’d been embarking on something with is a pretty great way to do that. mercedes? i think she likes the attention, likes actually being noticed. she likes the way he stares, basically. (i’m dropping lyrics into explanations now, sue me.)

crazy/u drive me crazy (you guys are all on notice for letting this flop, btw) > tell me i’m not in the blue, that i’m not wasting my feelings on you.

marley’s spent all episode being warned against jake, but i think it’s interesting that she’s basically seeking him out here and asking are they right? his response leaves something to be desired (tell me i’m the only one you’ll see) but at least it’s a conversation they’re having? it does speak well to marley for the rest of the time she’s on the show - she’s best when talking her issues/concerns out (see: her eating disorder v her wanting to stay abstinent, neither end well for her but she seems more at peace with the latter) while jake is. jake.

(i love jake always!!!!!!!!!!)

and finally, need you now > guess i’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

i changed this like, twenty times. the alternative was their ship tag (and i wonder if i ever cross your mind/for me it happens all the time), but i think this speaks a lot more strongly for their characters than that does to their relationship. puck and rachel are both very all-or-nothing characters, but 99% of the time they’re going to pick all. it fucks them over a lot of the time, but i don’t think they regret it much.

[randomaccount2]

EVERYTHING WRONG WITH: RWBY VOLUME 5 CHAPTER 11

> Just what is that statue even? Is there any reason as to why it's there? Any history behind it? > "You seem to be more than last time." That's a little obvious don't you think Leo? > "Why do you have your weapons with you?" At that moment everyone should be running for their lives. It's that obvious! > Who shot her? Yang isn't in her combat stance, and nobody else has their weapons out. > Wait... Lionheart is a faunus? REALLY?! The most powerful man on remnant is a member of the supposedly horribly oppressed group? How is that even racism in any form? He couldn't have hid that all this time! That totally nullifies any claim of racism in this show at all! HE'S THE HEADMASTER OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST KINGDOM FOR FUCKS SAKE AT LEAST STAY CONSISTENT! > "... and made a choice." Actually it seems like Leo didn't have a choice at all. > All that time everyone said Salem can't be defeated, yet nobody gave any reason why. > Oh you're one to talk Ruby, you only heard about Salem from your intoxicated uncle in a shitty campfire scene. > Cue the motivating speech sequence. > Raven is not pleased > Oh shit, she dropped the bomb! > Fireball shoots out of newly opened portal. Nobody has that reaction time. > Fireball perfectly and directly shoots Ruby, as if Cinder could see through it. What if Raven wanted to escape and got shot instead? > Cue the dramatic music > "Hello boys and girls." Cinder, you had time to think about a dramatic entrance since Volume 3, and that's all you come up with? This isn't even better than Adam's dramatic entrance in Volume 3. > Hazel just comes in as if he magically knew that the cat is out of the bag yet. He could have ruined everything, EVERYTHIIING. > He didn't even look at anybody, and unveiled the great nefarious plan. FFS Hazel it could have just been innocent visitors. > In only two minutes the white fang arrived, took out the overly large supply of bombs and placed bombs everywhere without making a sound? > Also these bombs are way too close to each other. For something of this size, you'd think only one of those could blow up I don't know... an entire train wagon! > Uh, yeah Adam what do you think everyone places these bombs here for. They probably already know Haven is going to fall. > Wow Weiss, you sure are fast. > Wow Qrow, you sure are fast. > Yes Jaune, what is wrong with Cinder? She's been here since episode one and nobody knows anything about her at all. > Why are they taking out their weapons? They have absolutely no reason to. They should really listen to Qrow. > Miles voice acting is really great! Minus one sin - > Weiss and Nora are taking out their weapons too? Why though? None of the bad guys even have their weapons out! FFS LISTEN TO QROW! > Cinder doesn't need her fire powers to deliver burns. > Jaune it's obvious she's trying to provo- oh, there he goes. > Ruby you can instantly break the sound barrier, you don't need to waste ammunition to go fast. > See, Ruby if you used your semblance, you could have gotten past the chain. > Cue the gay subtext > Cinder charges at Jaune, but they magically disappear in the next shot. > We hear Merc's gunboots go off as if he jumped, but in the next shot, he stands exactly where he was before. > "Let's see what the Schnee family name really means." "I'm more than a name!" **mortal combat's "Fight!" can be heard in the distance.** > Hazel can see Oscar sneak up away, clearly Oscar could become a threat, so why doesn't he act on it? > It's been entire 5 minutes, and Ren and Nora are still standing there, wordlessly facing Lionheart. > Really Leo? You know about Salem and magic, but you can't guess that Ozpin can reincarnate and that he is probably behind this child right now? > IT'S TIME TO DDDDD-DUEL! > Seriously now. A child with an ancient spirit inside him fight a man with what might as well be a duel disk? This really is Yugioh. > Why is there a magic circle now? I thought only maidens and Ozpin have magic. > Uh WHAT even is that thing? > Is Oscar's Aura already depleted? Or did he just activate it? Horray Oscar got better with his Aura! > I know they're trying to make Oscar look badass, but why isn't Leo attacking? He's a trained Huntsman against a 14 year old boy! > Leo do you honestly think Salem is going to leave you alone? Once she has the relic she's just going to dispose of you. > Obligatory Yugioh reference. > Isn’t it obvious Oscar? > Meanwhile Weiss is playing The Floor is Lava > This would be a great opportunity to put in a new song for the soundtrack. That only consists of 3 songs. That we last heard before Chapter 1. That was eleven weeks ago. > At this point Weiss should have learned that summoning doesn't work. Weiss, you have a broad repartoire of glyphs, but you choose to use the slowest against the fastest enemy? You can bend time for fucks sake! > Ruby is just casually watching Jaune during a fight. > Instead of hitting Ruby with her blades or doing anything, Emerald just spams bullets. > Ruby can magically deflect all the bullets with the handle of a scythe that's bigger than most humans. > Weiss didn't learn from her mistakes and turns her back to her enemy. Then this happens. > Everyone stop fighting to the death, somebody almost got hurt! > Ruby is in the middle of a fight, but turns around to look at Jaune. > Cinder can fly apparently. > Please ignore the sudden artstyle change, we didn't have the resources to remake the models. > Okay, now Ruby is about to activates her silver eyes, which itself is enough to bring cinder to her knees, but why didn't she know how to do that in the first place? She had all the time to ask Tai, Qrow and even Ozpin himself, but she didn't. It's been almost a year since she knows about the Silver eyes, and that she can basically beat any Grimm and every maiden with just one look, but she doesn't try to control it, because plot. > Come on Jaune, she's on the ground without Aura, but you try to stab her instead of slashing like any sane person would do? You could have finished this god dammit! > Jaune you trained for all this time, and still don't know how to stand properly when using your weapon? Also you could have just taken a step forward instead of falling over like a sac of potatoes. > Why did you drop your weapon? You're trying to survive! > Reusing opening animations > Jaune did you honesly think she'd listen to you when you basically say, don't kill them? > Does this fire spear look familliar? Here's a hint: It's Pyrrha's spear. > Jaune you have more than enough time to get up and throw yourself onto her, or stab her in the back. Instead you just scream NOOOO like somebody who is completely incapacitated. > Reusing Pyrrha's death animation > Weiss didn't make any sound, but yet everyone magically stops fighting to their bloody death for a second, only too look at Weiss being stabbed to death. Like what did you expect? > Apparently Jaune didn't cry, even though we saw him cry for the first time three times already. > Weiss faints, and the spear dissipates. Meanwhile Cinder sees a wounded Weiss that she wanted to kill. If Cinder really wanted to kill Weiss, she could have just burned her this instant, so why does she leave Weiss alive? > Black screen of death. Along with the worst damn cliffhanger RWBY has ever given us. > The CRWBY only knows one way to end an episode. Which is a cliffhanger.

BONUS SINS:

> Whenever one person stops talking, the camera just cuts to another person that starts to talk. For a fight scene this was an awful lot of talking. > Aparently one week isn't enough for Blake to arrive at Haven. And it looks like all the bombs have been set already. Let's see how Miles and Kerry try to save this one. > Nobody believes that Sienna Kahn is dead. Nobody believes Weiss is dead. It seems to me like something with the writing isn't right.

[scriptshrink]

Bad Psychology: Netflix’s “Gypsy” (Part 1)

CW: alcohol, suicide

So Netflix made a show about a “therapist,” starring a woman I forgot the name of who is essentially a Knockoff Nicole Kidman (and thus will hereafter be referred to as “KNK”). In summary, KNK is a therapist who is bored with her marriage and decides she wants to sleep with a client’s ex-girlfriend that she’s heard him describe in therapy.

This show is a garbage fire. It’s so bad. I only managed to watch the first two episodes and I have never in my life regretted wasting as much time as I did on it.

As someone studying to become a clinical psychologist, this show’s portrayal of therapy makes me want to scream and tear my hair out. This show promotes an extremely inaccurate portrayal of therapy that may prevent people from seeking the help they need. It gives therapists a bad name. As such, I feel the need to set the record straight.

[Gif: Picard from Star Trek: “What you’re doing here is unethical. It’s immoral. I’ll fight it.”]

Note - This post has been broken up into two parts: this part deals with my therapy-related critique, and Part 2 will be my general / random thoughts about the show (including the fact that the very title of the show is a racist slur). 

Let’s get started. God help us.

The first time we see her in therapy, KNK is writing nothing but the word “boundaries” over and over in her notes. Very professional. That’s definitely going to help jog your memory when you’re typing up session notes later. /s

Actual dialogue:

Old lady client: I haven't seen [my daughter Rebecca] in two months. She barely answers her phone. So this weekend, when she canceled, I blew up! Why do you think she's avoiding me?

KNK: It's impossible for me to speculate on Rebecca's life. I only have access to you.

Client: I think she's just busy. If she were dating, that would be a good enough reason. I used to hope that she wasn't picking up because she was having sex. [laughs] That would be fine by me, you know?

KNK: I understand your concern, but by giving her space, you might show her that you're respecting her boundaries.

Client: I'm furious... that she won't give her mother any time. Her job is more important. The gym is more important. Even her weekly blow-out every Monday. That she has time for. And I've been to that salon. It’s really not very nice.

KNK: Rebecca loves you, Claire. Just give it some time. Emotions change like the wind.

[Gif: Morello from OITNB resting her head on her hand, smiling and marveling at the stupidity, “Do you hear yourself sometimes? Like, when you speak?”]

KNK, you cannot say that the client’s daughter really loves her. You said yourself that you can’t speculate about her. You have no fucking idea if it’s true.

Just stop.

Different Client: *tells story about having to drop out of school because she was caught stealing money for drugs and how her mom has lung cancer*

KNK: *uncomfortably long blank stare*

Immediately cut to KNK ordering wine at a coffee shop (in the middle of the day, no less) to try to impress the client’s ex-girlfriend she wants to bang.

BECAUSE WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SHOW ACTUAL THERAPY IN A SHOW ABOUT A THERAPIST

Wait. I think I figured it out. KNK isn’t really a therapist. She’s a fucking voyeur. She doesn’t actually want to help anyone. She is taking lurid pleasure in her clients’ vulnerability and pain.

Oh, and speaking of wine, KNK is drunk or drinking in about half of all the scenes she’s in. She drinks wine at lunch and goes back to see more clients like wtf. 

...Hold on. I take it back, this could actually be a good thing!

[Gif - Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec “Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.”]

Please for the love of god anything to get KNK to stop spewing her unethical nonsense.

Oh, man. The supervision scenes (where KNK meets with other therapists and they discuss their clients and stuff) are fucking hilarious.

KNK: He shouldn't marry her.

Therapist 1: Uh, that's not for us to decide. We're here to address his issues, not make his decisions.

Note - “Uh” here translates roughly to: “what the fuck is wrong with you, did you not pay attention during literally the entirety of your graduate education? We fucking learned this day one and were reminded at least once a month for literal years.”

KNK: I'm sorry. I just feel like we've been hearing about his rampant cheating stories for the past year straight. And now he's getting married.

Therapist 2: Well, behavior change takes a long time. And he's made growth in his commitment to his relationship, so as long as he's showing up for sessions and putting the work in--

KNK: I'm not questioning that we support our patients, but if they keep making poor choices, maybe we need to change tactics. It's just disheartening that sometimes all we can do is help them keep their head above water.

Because respecting your clients’ agency and keeping your clients alive is boring and sad.

Also, KNK could not be more condescending in this scene if she fucking tried. Just fucking look at her:

[Image: KNK looking patronizing as fuck, “I’m not questioning that we support our patients…”]

Therapist 1: Jean, remember, our job is not to do the work for our patients. Sometimes we're just here to listen, to be a sounding board. And realize that you can't fix everyone.

KNK: Yeah, I know. I get it. Trust me, I have tried. But I am just tired of sitting in that office listening to the same old story week after week with no results. It's frustrating.

I dunno, KNK...maybe you could try doing actual therapy, not just sitting in your office twiddling your thumbs while listening to your client?  Like...maybe try CBT or DBT? Teach your client some coping skills?

Oh, right. That would involve a level of competency that KNK clearly does not have.

[Image - KNK at a supervision meeting with other therapists. KNK: “And now she’s questioning the value of therapy, the value of me.”]

Newsflash, KNK - your client is questioning your value because you’re a worthless therapist.

OH SHIT STOP THE PRESSES. She’s actually giving her client homework! Like a real therapist might! I wonder what it is!

Oh. She wants the client to sign an oath not to contact his ex-girlfriend, who KNK is trying to bang.

Seriously, that’s the homework.

Because if he contacts his ex, there’s a chance he’ll find out about KNK trying to bang her.

Fuck you, KNK, you selfish unethical asshole.

Oh, also, a former client of KNK’s is evidently accusing her of something (unspecified as of the end of episode 2). This is KNK’s response.

[Image: KNK: “Yeah, well, she’s borderline. She’ll say anything.”]

Really. REALLY???

Now. It’s an unfortunate fact that some therapists don’t treat their borderline clients well. But what the actual fuck. Do you really want to paint your protagonist as a shitty, awful person?

Oh, wait. Too late.

So a random client shows up and is just sitting in KNK’s office waiting for her, which is potentially a huge breach of the confidentiality of KNK’s other clients.

KNK’s response is to make a snide comment about there being a waiting room, then to proceed to yell at client for being late to the appointment. 

Because wasting a therapist’s time is worse than something that is actually illegal and can result in thousands of dollars in fines. KNK’s clearly got her priorities straight.

KNK then lets that same client fall asleep on the couch in her office. Just in case it wasn’t unethical enough the first time around!

For fuck’s sake.

[Image: A seedy nightclub bathroom. KNK says to her client’s ex who she’s trying to bang: “You’re like a human Rorschach.”]

So she’s outdated, invalid, and meaningless? Sick fucking burn, bro!

Also, Hermann Rorschach, who was in all likelihood human* would like a word. I think the writers meant to say “inkblot.”

Who the fuck is writing this fucking shit.

* Note - the Shrink has no evidence to confirm or deny that Hermann Rorschach was a vampire, werewolf, or other non-human creature.

The absolute worst part comes when KNK’s ‘forbidden’ and ‘dangerous’ relationship with her client’s ex leads to KNK learning something important about her actual client. Namely, that said client has in the past been suicidal after a breakup.

This is slightly important because, you know, said client is currently going through another breakup - and may become suicidal again.

Guess what? KNK NEVER FUCKING BRINGS IT UP IN THERAPY.

She didn’t have to tell him she knows about his past. She could just ask him if he’s having thoughts of suicide - it’s a routine question that therapists ask! A lot! Some therapists will ask it every session!

But no.

KNK legitimately does not fucking care if her client lives or dies.

The only value her client has to her is that she can pump him for information about his ex-girlfriend. She uses her position as a therapist to manipulate her client into serving KNK’s agenda to get laid.

I’m not joking.

Actual transcript:

KNK: You know, I was thinking, Sam, is it possible that you came on too strong with Sidney [his ex that KNK wants to bang]?

Sam: [stammering] What do you mean? Today?

KNK: No, in general. She just seems so independent and free-spirited, from the way you describe her. Maybe she felt claustrophobic.

Sam: I don't understand why you're telling me this.

Me fucking either.

Sam: We were in love, and then she got scared. Decided she needed to experience more shit. More people.

KNK: So she's dating?

Sam: No, she actually told me she’s not interested in any guys.

KNK: So she's interested in women?

Sam: No. What?

KNK: Well, the way you... Anyway, it's very common for young women to dally or try things.

How fucking dare you.

Fuck this show. Fuck everyone involved in producing it. Fuck Netflix for hosting it.

[Gif: John Oliver repeatedly pounding his fists on a table and saying angrily, “Fuck you! Fuck you all forever! You fuck yourself! You go fuck yourself right now!”]

Okay. The Shrink needs to take a break to calm down. Stay tuned for Part 2.

Disclaimer // Support me on patreon. I watch this shit so you don’t have to.

[urfantasies]

Only Us

The story request for @xhanac

• Ship: Shizaya (Shizuo x Izaya - Durarara) • Setting: zombie apocalypse AU • Genre: horror, distopian • Ending: sad • Prompt: make me cry

~————~

The bright sun, which was shining just a moment ago, was suddenly hidden by the dark, ominous sheet of clouds. It was a normal sight for the two young men trying to survive in the cruel, unforgiving environment the world had become. “So what’s for dinner?”, Shizuo asked as he flopped on the mattress, which was barely holding its shape. “The same thing like every evening - beans.”, Izaya said nonchalantly as he was putting away a machine gun carefully. “Seriously? I’m so done with beans already! Isn’t there anything else?!” “No, Shizu-chan. You should be happy we have anything to eat.” “Listen, flea.”, Shizuo blew up, stood up from the bed and grabbed Izaya by his collar. “What?! What is it Shizu-chan?” “You’re acting weird. You’re way to lifeless.”, Shizuo’s anger subsided and he actually became a little worried about Izaya. “Well… These stupid zombies have almost completely eradicated the thing I loved the most - humans. And, be it my luck, the only other living person in a mile radius I’m stuck with is you - the only human that I absolutely hate. So, yes, I am, in fact, a little angry.” Shizuo let go of Izaya, who wore a stone cold expression. He sighed deeply. “Whatever.”, he said, flopping back onto the bed. Their troubles started 5 years ago. Due to the immense amount of atomic weaponry used in the 3rd World War, a peculiar disease appeared. It was caused by all the radioactive particles in the air. It caused people to become brain-dead, but still alive, and to crave human brains. They were basically turned into your cliché zombies we’ve all seen on TV. Tokyo, being an enormous city, soon and very easily turned into a mecha of brain-eating monsters. Izaya and Shizuo who didn’t have a problem defending themselves from the zombies were probably one of the few who survived and were able to escape the city. They ran away to the countryside where was a much smaller chance they would run into any enemies. Although they joined forces to have a higher chance of survival, they weren’t very famous for their team work, even before the whole mess started. The intense tension between the two young men was making it extremely hard for them to work together or agree on anything. Just the other day they argued on how to kill a zombie the right way after they were attacked by a group of zombies during a raid on a supermarket. The same supermarket where they bought all those beans. There wasn’t a single thing they were able to agree on except one - that they had to survive no matter what. Irritated Izaya stepped out of their little country house. Still standing on the wooden floors, right in the door frame, he slammed his fist into the wooden frame. He then filled his lungs with as much air he could and then screamed at the top of his lungs. “Go~d, why~?!” Shizuo hearing the loud scream ran to the door immediately. “Are you fucking crazy?! Do you wish for all the fucking zombies in the area to come here?”, he complained as he grabbed Izaya’s collar. Only as he violently brought Izaya’s face closer to his did he notice something strange. It was a sight he thought he would never see in his life time. His worst enemy, the guy he loathed with his whole being, the strong, but twisted individual who was the only one who could rival Shizuo’s freakish strength, was crying. A few lonely tears escaped his watery eyes. “What the-”, Shizuo, shocked, let go of Izaya. “What? Never seen a man cry before?”, Izaya said irritated, while wiping his eyes. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you finally snapped?” “I just…! I’m done. I have nothing left to live for. (…) Have you ever had something that you loved more than anything, that gave meaning to your life, simply taken away from you in a blink of an eye…Shizu-chan?” Shizuo took a good, long look at the utterly broken Izaya. He knew all too well that Izaya adores human, despite showing it in most messed up ways. And although he disagreed with that insane obsession, he knew that by world being destroyed by the zombie virus, Izaya lost all meaning to his already pathetic, crooked existence. He sighed deeply and spoke as calmly as he possibly could. “Yes. Yes, I did. You know, it’s not just you who lost things in this shitty situation. My brother, Kasuka… Those brainless fuckers got him. I wasn’t able to save him. Tsk! So stop acting so conceited, flea! We have a responsibility to survive for those who weren’t able to, shithead! So get your shit together man!” Izaya looked at Shizuo in shock, wide eyed. After a few moments that took him to gathered his thoughts, his lips finally curled into a mischievous smirk that was so characteristic for him it became his signature sign. “Yeah, you’re right. I guess you aren’t as brainless and useless as I thought.”, he teased his partner as he walked back into the house. “The fuck did you just say?!” “Don’t get so worked up, geez. It was a compliment, idiot.” Seeing Izaya back to his normal self-irritated Shizuo more than anything else. The vain on his forehead popped out and started pulsating like crazy. “Iza~ya~!” And thus continued their life together. Every day was a struggle for survival and their incompability was making it all that harder for them. Even so, despite all of their constant quarrels, they slowly started to work better together. Their cooperation was messy and all over the place, yet, strangely enough, it somehow worked out for them. Naturally, they still had a plethora of mean and sarcastic comments for each other but they stopped taking them seriously. Their arguing stopped ending in them almost finished themselves off but instead in them simply laughing it off. One day, as they were checking out a clothes shop in a small town, they saw a man being chased by a hoard of zombies. They tried to save him but they weren’t able to do so in time. The man was already torn into pieces. However, he did leave behind a beacon of hope. It was a phone, a military kind. Then it suddenly started ringing. Izaya and Shizuo were suspicious since there shouldn’t have been any signal but still answered it. It was a call from a military base stationed in Kyoto. As it turned out, that very military base became the only safe haven for the little members of humanity there were left. Shizuo and Izaya were naturally immediately called in to join the survival group. Of course they agreed immediately. They stocked up on supplies and head towards the jewel of Japan. It was zombie infested just as they anticipated. However, they might have bitten off a little more than they could chew. They were chased into a corner. For a moment there, Shizuo honestly thought that they wouldn’t make it through. Luckily, the back-up from the base came right in the nick of time. “We did it, Izaya! We really fucking did it!”, Shizuo cheered as they safely arrived at the base. After not receiving any kind of reaction in turn, Shizuo turned around with the raised eyebrow. He saw that Izaya was acting strangely. He had his head low, his long black bangs covering his eyes. He was holding his arm which was trembling like sedge in the wind. “Hey, flea! What the hell is wrong with you? Shouldn’t you be happy too?” “Ah~… Yeah, I guess you’re right. (…) Ne, Shizu-chan… I’ll tell you a little secret. For years I thought you are the only human I hated. Now I see that I was just blind for noticing your potential. I might be contradicting myself when I say this but… Even though I hate you, you might be one of the best humans I’ve ever met.” “Right back at you, flea. I guess we just started off on a bad note. But we have a chance to correct that now, right?”, Shizuo gave a little, almost unnoticeable smile. “Yeah, I would have liked that.”, Izaya smirked. “Oy, the hell you saying?” Taking the deep breath, Izaya let go of his trembling arm and pulled up his long sleeve. Shizuo’s eyes went wide in other shock. Izaya’s arm had a clearly visible teeth marks circled by a huge purple greenish skin that indicated the flesh slowly rotting under the influence of the zombie disease. “I’m sorry, Shizu-chan. They got to me. I guess that’s what I deserve. Carma really is a bitch, huh.” Shizuo was left speechless. He just stared into the bite mark that was slowly sucking life out of his partner. “Ne, Shizu-chan… Do me a favor, won’t you? Let me die in piece, before I turn in one of them. Please. I want you to be the one to end me.”, Izaya said calmly as he approached Shizuo. “I… I can’t do that, moron! Do you realize what you’re asking me?!” “You’re really kind, Shizu-chan. But I need to forget your senses right now and turn to your animalistic side. I need you to do this for me. Please.” “No! I… I just can’t! You’re fucking crazy for asking this if me!”, Shizuo continued to oppose. “Then what?! You want me to become of those monsters?! Will you kill me then, idiot?! Huh?! Just kill me now when I still can still think straight and can tell you what I feel!” Looking at Izaya’s angry expression and eyes filled with sorrow and regret, Shizuo’s heart contracted and hurt him deeply. He almost couldn’t believe he wouldn’t be able to see Izaya’s smirking face anymore or argue with him about every little thing. A film of the moments they shared over the years flashed before his eyes. From their first meeting, when Shinra introduced them to each other back in high school, over the many times they destroyed half of Ikebukuro in their childish fights, all the way to them spending every day together, struggling to survive. Izaya was undeniably a huge part of his life, whether he wanted it or not. And now, he wouldn’t be anymore. It hurt Shizuo deeply. “Fine… If it will help you, I’ll do it. But only because it’s you, flea.” “Thank you, Shizu-chan.” The two of them sat down on the floor. Izaya then took a deep breath and thought about his situation. Only after carefully organizing his thoughts did he speak his last words. “Listen to me carefully, Shizuo Heiwajima. Your smarts lack in comparison to your extreme physical strength, but your heart is bigger than the both combined. I want you to treasure these survivals at the best of your abilities. They are the precious humans that are left so I want them to become the foundation for rebuilding the world. Honestly, it might seem impossible at the moment but you are probably the only one who can do it. Because you are different than others. I was never able to figure out you or that ridiculous way of thinking of yours. That was probably why I hated you so much. But I was just mad at myself for letting you beat me. Even so… Thank you. Despite being surrounded with flesh eating monsters, I had fun with you. I think I might even come to actually like you. Who would have thought, huh? So please, do me another favor. Take Ikebukuro back from those monsters. It’s my favorite place in the world. It should be in the hands of my favorite thing in the world - humans.” Shizuo held back the flood of salty tears that were about to come rolling down. He pulled Izaya into a tight hug. “Of course I will. You don’t even need to ask me, idiot. It’s our home after all.” Realizing just what those words meant, since Shizuo (who chased Izaya out of Ikebukuro) was actually accepting Ikebukuro as Izaya’s real home, Izaya chuckled lightly. “I like you too, Izaya Orihara.” Shizuo took out a small revolver out of his pocket. He pointed it to the side of Izaya’s head which he was gently holding. “You better wait for me in heaven, idiot.”, he said quietly as he pulled the trigger. ~10 years later~ After arriving at the base in Kyoto. Shizuo took things into his own hands. Organizing and mobilizing people like a real military and warfare genius, little by little Shizuo exterminated the majority of zombies. That way, Japan became the first zombie-free country and the first step towards recovery. And naturally he took Ikebukuro back. It was one of his first targets. Naturally, people wanted to commemorate the world’s greatest hero and wanted to make him a statue. However, Shizuo refused. Instead, he made Izaya statue and put it in the heart of Ikebukuro. It was a reminder of the man who started it all, without whom the recovery probably wouldn’t be possible. Of the man who loved human more than anything. But still head a favorite one.

~~~THE END~~~