#please ignore my feelings loooool!!!!

[skull-mulch]

im trying to contain it but it’s really looking like it might be one of those nights that im annoying as FUCK. idk i am just feeling a way. i honestly hope it was from this intense work week. idk the last time i worked seven days in a row...

i have just felt so weird lately and it’s seriously been stressing me out. ive been eating more than usual which like just makes me maintain and even gain some days :/

i really just need to stop being a whiny little bitch and get back into counting and cooking. i have used being too cold as an excuse enough lately.

when i counted and ate fresh food and did even minor workouts i was actually funtioning. now i just get high and space out for hours after leaving work. im so lame lately.

i miss all my hobbies so much. i miss them like a fucking ache. every day i want to just do dumb fun shit but then i get home from work and im so drained in honestly everyway that just showering is a battle.

i did NOT appreciate that 20hr work week in high school enough :’)

[taeyongers]

Exile (M)

pairing: hyunjae x reader

genre: smut, rival mob bosses au, childhood friends to lovers 

summary: basically two orphans grow up and end up in rival gangs without knowing, until you meet in the middle of a gunfight

warning: drugs mention, bullying, sexual harassment, old style orphanages, gangs, gunfights, slight mentions of blood and wounds, sexual content (be warned) but it’s mostly soft and fluffy, light sub! hyunjae for a time

word count: 8.5k 

a/n: loooool @letteredwings hi friend this for u, pls don’t headbutt hyunjae anymore

The earth is cold under your bare feet. Your toes are spread wide. Wet pebbled mud meshes through the spaces in between.

It’s raining. The pitter patter of raindrops against the concrete pavement makes you want to step a little farther out from the awning you stand under, to just feel it against your skin. Your hair has already gotten wet. You just need more, a feeling to break you free from the unchanging hell you face each day.

“Y/n!” A sharp voice, familiar, cuts you out of your thoughts. “What are you doing!? You’ll catch a cold!”

It’s Hyunjae, of course. You let him tug you back from under the awning, through the doors, up the wooden steps and into the dreary warmth.

He is your height at this age. His eyes are young and shining, brows furrowed in concern and anger.

“The headmistress will be angry,” he mumbles. His hands rub your sides to get some warmth in you.

“The headmistress doesn't care,” you mutter.

He scoffs at your words, takes your little hand in his and trudges up the stairs into his dormitory. He sits you down on his bed, rummages through his dresser, which is not even a foot away from the bed. It’s a pathetically small room.

“You'll need dry clothes,” he says to himself and pulls out a towel. He places it on your wet hair, brows still furrowed. “You need to take those off. You’ll get sick.”

Finally, your cheeks burn. “All the other children already tease that we’ll get married someday and you want me to take my clothes off in your room!?”

You shove away the towel from your head. His cheeks tint pink and he sits down beside you with a huff.

“I didn't mean you need to change right now. You can do it in your room. Just dry off first.” He picks up the towel and holds it out to you.

You give him a glare and snatch the towel before placing it on your hair. He looks at you, eyeing the water dripping down the strands.

“Why were you even outside in the rain?”

“I was bored.”

He doesn't believe you. “They were making fun of you, weren’t they?” You glare at him again. He smirks like he knows something. “And you ran outside? You could have come to find me.”

“Why? You’re not my brother.”

He falls silent.

You shift on his creaky bed. “Why do you help me so much? You protect me from the kids who throw food at my hair. You fight my bullies. You talk back to the headmistress when she is angry with me. You share your cookies with me. You hug me when I cry, take care of me when I’m sick, now you’re drying me off when I’m wet. Why?”

He looks at you and shrugs. “Because you can't defend yourself. You’re small.”

Anger rips through you. “Yes I can! I don't need you!” You shove at him, nearly toppling him from the bed.

He grapples your hands. “Fine! Fine, it’s not because of that!” He says, calming you down. “It’s because… I know that sad kids end up in those bad groups around town. The headmistress says those who don't behave will never find parents and will stay here until they turn sixteen. Once they leave, they are taken in by those bad people. And I know she says that for kids who don't behave but I think those kids are just sad.” You stare at him as he stutters. “So, I don’t want you to be sad. I don't want you to end up with those people.”

“So you’re saying I’m sad?” You ask. He touches a stray piece of your hair.

“I mean...I see how the other kids treat you. How the teachers and mistresses treat you. I would be sad.”

You look at him until your gaze falls. “Then... we should both make a promise to not be sad and end up with those people.” He nods and holds out his pinky. You interlace yours with his. “We’ll find parents, or we’ll grow up and become good people.”

He nods resolutely. “Yeah.”

Your hands fall away from each other.

“Do you.. wanna change into dry clothes and come back here? I hid some extra cookies for you.”

Your lips break out into a grin. “Okay!”

He grins back. You rush off, something light fluttering in your chest.

This is how childhood goes. You do everything together. He’s your rock and your shield, your only friend. He protects you from the other children, your teachers and from the world. When they manage to slip past him, your iron defense, and get to you, you hide away and cry. He always finds you, hugs you through your tears, shushes and comforts you.

Childhood years fall away into adolescence and teenage years. By sixteen, you will be thrown out into the world, forced to brave it on your own. Hyunjae and you try to make the most out of whatever miserable years you have left at the orphanage, and whatever little protection it offers you both during this time.

As you grow, he surpasses your height. His jaw becomes defined, his body lanky and tall until he's a head above you. He's handsome… so handsome and it makes your heart flip and cheeks burn. You still share food and he still comforts you when things are hard. You find a special place together, the rooftop of the orphanage, where you lie flat and feel as if the universe is swallowing you into itself.

“We can’t turn out bad,” He reminds himself and you. “We can't fall into those gangs that plague this city. We need to make a life for ourselves once we get out of here, no matter how hard it will be.”

“It won't be hard for you,” you say. “You’re a good person. You’ll be a doctor or something. I know it.”

He scoffs, staring up at the night sky. “You don’t know that.”

“I do!” Your brows furrow. “You’re the best person here. This place doesn’t deserve you.”

He looks at you with stars in his eyes. He moves as if going to touch your cheek, but changes his mind.

“Okay,”  he whispers, “but it doesn't deserve you either.”

You stare at him. You wonder constantly if he feels something for you. You find him looking at you when you don’t notice, something akin to stars in his eyes, though to be fair, they have been there since childhood. But you’re not convinced that he feels anything for you other than that of a sister, a friend.

He holds out his pinky finger, a reassurance of that promise. You cross your finger with his.

Life’s problems change as time goes on. Bullying from the other orphans becomes more personal, more cruel. At just 15, the children have been introduced to drugs, sex, and using violence for intimidation. They wonder loudly about your relationship with Hyunjae. They wonder what you’re giving him for someone like him to care about such a loser like you.

Like that one time when a boy and his friends corner you after dinner, sneers and hatred spouting in their mouths.

“Are you his whore or something?” He asks, eyes burning holes into you. “Do you have to use that mouth in convincing ways to keep him protecting you? Maybe we need convincing as well,” he laughs with his friends.

You slip past them and run to your room. You cry until you can't breathe. Hyunjae finds you, he always finds you, soft voice filled with concern asking what, what is it, please tell me.

You tell him in between sobs. His eyes grow hard and cold. He hugs you tightly, shushes and strokes your hair until you calm down and fall asleep in his arms. His grip is gentle, but something in him is colder than usual.

The next day, he disappeared. You hear shouting in the headmistress’ office. He returns in the night, bruises sprouting across his face. His hand is clenched tight, swollen and bruised and messy. His eyes are still hard and cold.

You sit him down in your room. On this rare occasion, you’re the one taking care of him. You drag a wet rag gently across his swollen knuckles and his bruised cheekbones.

“What happened? Where were you?”

He doesn’t respond. He’s glaring at something far off and refuses to tell you.

The next day, you find that he’s been sentenced to weeks of latrine duty. You find out from another boy, Chanhee, about what happened. Hyunjae had attacked the boy who harassed you the day before.

“So then Hyunjae shows up and beats the crap out of him behind the building. If you think hyunjae looked bad, you should have seen the other guy.”

You get angry. Not at him, but at yourself. Why, why were you so weak? Why does Hyunjae put himself at risk for you? Why did Hyunjae grow up putting himself at risk for you, just because you couldn't protect yourself?

The other kids already think you’re doing some kind of sexual favors for him to protect you from abuse. You feel ashamed, disgusted. Why does he associate himself with someone as weak and useless as you?

You begin to distance yourself from him. You don’t go over to his room or let him stay in yours. You don’t hang out with him when you’re permitted to go outside. You begin to talk less, eat less together and, stop your rooftop meetings all together, feigning a headache or something else each time he asks. You feel it’s for the best. He should live his life for himself, not for you.

It doesn’t work. He ends up cornering you one day, hurt flooding his eyes, something you never want to see again. “Why are you ignoring me?”

You sigh.

“Did someone say something? Did they threaten-”

“What am I to you?” You ask.

His resolve burns away, and he’s left confused, mouth bobbing open and closed like a fish. “You’re my friend-”

“Do you love me?”

His brows furrow. “Of course I love you.”

“Are you in love with me?”

He goes still. Silent.

You look away. Of course not. He’s just protecting you because he feels that you’re too weak to do it yourself.

“I feel like a burden  You keep making up for my weaknesses.”

“Hey,” he tilts your chin up. “It’s not your fault. People are shit. I’m just helping you.“

“And you keep getting hurt. Our lives are already miserable here, and I’m just making yours worse.”

“Stop,” he says, eyes conflicted, unable to get the words out. He never was good with them.

“I’m turning sixteen soon. I’m going away.”

His brows furrow. “Where?”

“I don’t know. Somewhere. I’ll get a job, and live my life.”

“But I don’t want you to go!” He erupts, rattling you. He sees your expression and softens. “We can… we can go together. Live together.”

“I’m already a burden on you. And besides, why would you? You’re not in love with me.”

He’s silent. His eyes are burning with something he wants to say. But he doesn't. He never does. And neither do you.

...

You turn sixteen, no longer legally allowed to stay at the orphanage. You move away and become a waitress. You don’t hear from Hyunjae again. You get used to your new life, find an apartment, and appreciate the small, new found freedom of living by yourself. Of course, the struggle for money is always there as well as a deep ache in your heart that refuses to go away, but it’s more than you’ve ever had.

Eight years go by and you break your promise. You ended up getting involved with the wrong people in the allure of deals for quick ways to get money. You meet a charming woman who convinces you to join her friends, that they could use your skills and knowledge. Now, you’re in a gang, one of the many in this god forsaken city.

You fight, you shoot, you kill, and you get money. You live in more comfort as a criminal than you’ve had in your whole life. You’ve broken your promise and don’t regret it. It’s as if it's always meant to be. You finally feel like you’re in charge of your life.

Hyunjae fades from your mind. You’re not sure if you ever fade from his.

Gang wars are all too familiar to you, and the strategy involved in conducting them is as well, now that you have become the leader. You like the new found power, your members depending on you, your success in proving yourself over and over again as the boss.

One gang in particular has been tormenting you for the past few years. They have been picking off your members, stealing your business, moving into your territory. You’d decided enough was enough and engaged them. It takes place as gunfights through back alleys in the middle of the night.

You decided to join in this time on the dirty work of fighting. The new enemy seems capable and more threatening than the others. Besides, as leader, you’ve been tucked away in the safety of your headquarters, sending orders from there. You haven't had a good gun fight in a while.

Right now, you’re hidden behind a building, shooting at shapeless figures in the dark. You know you have more numbers, superior guns and skills, when you begin pushing them back, cornering them, suffocating them. Victory is close and soon you will be queen of these lands once again.

Then, you hear a voice, your subordinate shouting something at the same time a shapeless figure melts from the shadows and darts across the street.

“That’s their leader!”

Oh, you are not one to miss out on this opportunity, of taking out this leader, of ruling both groups, both territories. So, you tear yourself from out of the shadows and sprint after the figure.

Your members call out after you but you ignore them. Your group is winning. Their leader is making a last ditch effort to escape. There is nothing to worry about.

You chase the figure into a darkened alley that stops abruptly at a dead end with one dim streetlight. You corner him, gun raised, and watch the male turn around.

“What kind of coward leader runs from a fight?”

He freezes, as if something has seized and taken hold of his entire body. Then, he steps into the light. A shock runs through you. Your eyes widen, and the gun almost slips from your grip.

“Y/n?”

His voice floats to your ears. Yes, it’s familiar, one you’ve memorized, but it’s deeper now. You can hardly overcome your shock as men appear behind you with guns pointed at your head. It was a trap. 

“Stop!” Hyunjae orders, shock and concern taking over his features, ones you’ve known since childhood. “We’re taking her with us.”

...

Your feet hurt from pacing the room, but you don’t stop. You hear an exasperated sigh from off to the side.

“Are you going to sit down and talk?” Hyunjae asks. He is seated at a table, a spare chair beside him. Your eyes run over him briefly. 

He’s older, much older. He’s grown half a foot since you saw him last. His body is bigger, toned from fighting. He has the same eyes, though - young looking and twinkling- and the same smell, something that makes your stomach wrench.

You continue to pace, glancing at the window, the air vent, the door- anything that can let you escape.

“Y/n.”

Your eyes snap to him. “No. I’m not going to sit down and have a talk. Especially not with you,” you spit out.

He blinks. “What do you mean, especially not with me?”

You don't respond. He stands up abruptly, and without thinking, you grab the knife from where they never found it when they searched you.

He freezes at the sight. His hand curls around the gun in his holster. “Don’t be stupid, Y/n. There are men right outside those doors. One word from me and they’ll barge in and kill you.”

“Then why don’t they?” You yell.

“Why are u so angry!?” He snarls, finally showing his anger. “This is the first time I’ve seen you in years! What did I-“

“What did you do? I thought I left you in that orphanage years ago and now I find out that you’re the head of the gang that keeps invading our rightful territory? That it was on your orders that my members were killed for years? That I was almost killed!?”

Something flits across his eyes.

“Yeah I know,” you sneer, “how ironic is it that you were my knight in shining armor back then and now you’ve been trying to kill me for years.”

He exhales, holding his hand up in a placating gesture. “Y/n, I didn't know.”

“And what about those dreams you had, huh? About being a doctor? Something good? You promised you’d not fall into this scene and yet you ended up here anyway!”

His face is hard. “We both made that promise.”

You falter, glaring at him. “I was always the less promising one out of us two.”

He steps forward. “That’s not true.”

You purse your lips. “Are you going to kill me now?”

He stops, looking hurt. “Of course not.”

“Why not? I’m the enemy leader.”

He looks exasperated. “Y/n-“ he reaches for you but you step away. His hand falls from the air.

The silence is deafening and you grip your knife. “I should kill you. I will be better for it.”

Hyunjae sighs, running his hand through his hair . “Don’t be stupid. The guards outside-“

“I can take them.” You say with full confidence. He seems surprised. He looks at the anger, the hurt in your eyes, then down at the knife, in your experienced grip. “I’m going to kill you,” you say again, almost as an effort to convince yourself.

Some light kindles in his eyes, a look of interest, curiosity. Maybe he’s caught onto your bluff.

He raises a brow. “Really?”

You blink and nod. He steps closer, so close you’re just inches away, until you can see the deep brown of his twinkling eyes, the scent of him that takes you back years. He grips your hand holding the knife and presses it against his chest, right over his heart. His gaze is intense.

“Then do it.”

You stutter. “I- I will do it…”

His eyes aren’t wavering from yours. He imperceptibly presses the knife harder against his chest. Your hands are shaking, and you make no move to pierce him. He realizes this. Without taking his eyes off of yours, he gently pulls your wrist away from his chest. With a simple twist, the knife clatters to the floor. Now, you’re both looking at each other, silence flooding the room.

His eyes never break their lock on yours except for one flicker down to your lips and back. Then, he moves so slowly, head tilting, lips nearly brushing yours to kiss you. You can barely get a hold of yourself to jerk away.

“What- what are you doing!?” You breathe hard, stepping back.

He grasps your elbow and pulls you back. His eyes soften, hand coming up to run across your face. “Please, I … just missed you...so much” His voice is shaky, a rare break in character from the short amount of time you’ve seen him recently, eyes vulnerable instead of cold steel.

“I have to kill you.” Your voice cracks. “After all those years of fighting-“

“But you can’t,” he speaks, eyes drinking you in. “Because you feel something for me like I do for you, even after all this time. And in the middle of this war and senseless violence, can’t we just have this?”

You freeze. “You feel what for me?”

He catches on. Something soft floods his eyes, his thumb stroking your cheek. You would have torn away if not for the ridiculous amount of comfort it brings you.

“Is that why you are so angry?” He chuckles, letting his hand slip from your cheek before releasing a defeated sigh. “I should have told you I was in love with you before you left.”

You still. He rubs the nape of his neck.

“When you left, I … I lost it.” Hyunjae’s voice cracked. “I was angry for the longest time. I resented you for leaving. I resented myself for not trying harder to make you stay, for not telling you the truth when you asked me how I felt.” He paced. “You.. called me a good person. Then I lost you and I threw away everything about myself that was good. I got into drugs… crime. Now I’m here.” He glanced at you. “I never thought you’d be here too.”

You silently digest his words, feeling the knot in your stomach loosen.

He steps closer and takes your hand.  “I couldn’t sleep at night for years. I constantly wondered if you were in danger.”

“I don’t need you to protect me anymore,” you whisper.

“No,” he gazes at you, talking almost to himself. “No, you don’t.” He drops your hand and sighs. “I can see I’ve hurt you too much, back then and even now, to earn your forgiveness.”

Silence hangs heavy. The entrenched hurt in your heart lightens. Of course he’d been hurting all this time too. But your throat is too heavy to form any words in response.

“So, what do we do now?” You ask hoarsely.

He’s silent, eyes going from you to the door. “I can’t take you back to my members. They’ll have you tortured and killed immediately, and there’s no way in hell I would let that happen.”

You make a show of rolling your eyes. Of course, he protects you, even now.

Hyunjae paces across the floor, stroking his chin. He stops by the table and looks up at the air vent in the ceiling. He turns around, eyes determined.

“Okay, so here’s what we’re going to do. We have to fake a struggle. Give me a few bruises. I’ll lock the door so the guards can’t get in immediately. Then, you climb up through the vent and make you way out of the building. Hopefully they won’t catch up.”

You can’t help giving a small smile. “Hopefully?”

He nods, eyes softening for a brief moment. Suddenly, he presses forward and kisses you deeply. A shock of butterflies bursts through your stomach, fluttering up and up to your chest. You barely process his soft lips, his calloused hands on your cheeks, the fringes of his hair tickling your forehead. Your mind turns to mush before he pulls away. He looks at you softly as he releases you. Then, he punches you in the shoulder, hard.

“Ow!” You reel back.

He smirks. “Where do you think you’re going?” He calls out loudly, much louder than is needed.

You catch on. “I’m leaving!” You yell just as loud and shove him hard towards the door. He grins approvingly at your play and spins around to lock the door. Someone pounds on the wood from the other side.

“Sir!? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he calls. “I just have a difficult prisoner, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

Something playful flares in his eyes as he nearly tackles you. You stumble violently for a moment, his large arms wrapped around yours to pin you in place. You try to wrestle out of his grip but he manages to hold your arms tight around you so you can’t move, giving you the odd sensation of being in a straitjacket.

“No, let me go! I’ll--” you pause, glaring at him. “I’ll headbutt you, I swear.”

He smirks. “Then headbutt me.”

You pause for a second and then you swing your head into his cranium. His head jolts backwards and his arms release you to grip his throbbing head.

“What the hell- you actually did it!?”

You snicker at him before the sound of pounding resounds throughout the room.

“Sir, the door isn’t opening! We’re going to break in!”

Hyunjae whirls around to face you, gesturing you to go up the vent. “Alright, hurry up!” He yells to guards.

You step onto the table and reach up onto your tiptoes to remove the covering. With one last look at Hyunjae, who’s face seems to be a mess of regret, affection, longing, and panic, you muster out a “see you later,” before disappearing through the hole.

...

Hyunjae knows he is seen as a cold leader. Like he said, once he lost you, he lost everything about himself that was good.

He killed. He punished. He executed.

He would beat a man for looking at him the wrong way. Give brutal tests of loyalty to his subordinates. Make it so that they quake when he walks into the room.

It was to maintain order, dignity, balance.

No one can defeat him at a mental game. No one can make him falter, doubt, outsmart him, move him. No one. That’s how he climbed the ranks and became the boss.

That is, until now. Fifteen minutes in that room with you and his mind has turned to mush. You’ve grown up, more beautiful than you were before, and it utterly stopped his heart. Your smiles, enough to make his knees buckle. Oh, how he wanted to take you in his arms, like he’s imagined for years, to hold you, hug you, kiss you, never let you go.

Of course he couldn't do that. The universe is not that kind. He got in one kiss - just because he desperately needed to know how you felt - and you melting into him was all the answer he needed. But then he had to say goodbye to you far too fast.

Now, the guards have burst into the room, searching feverishly for you who’s long disappeared. He mentions that you used the air vent to escape and leaves through the door. He knows they can never catch up to you in time - you’re far too good.

That sad, insecure girl he knew from his past seems to have changed. You’re a leader of a gang now, the one he’s been fighting and struggling to outsmart for years. If he had known it was you all along, how quickly he would have stolen you away from the fighting and left to live somewhere far away, somewhere peaceful. He would abandon his members, everything he built after all these years in a heartbeat for you. It was never even a question.

But he barely knows if you want the same thing. All that he knows now is that he has to see you again.

He thinks about these things, mind rumbling and turning, as he walks briskly to his meeting. His head still pounds from your headbutt and he catches himself smiling at the thought of it. It’s one ache he doesn’t mind.

He enters the room filled with high ranking members. They wait patiently for him to take his seat at the head of the table.

“So? Any updates?” He asks.

One guard steps forward, the same one that had been searching for you. “Sir, we couldn’t find her. I believe she escaped.”

Internally relieved and unsurprised, he outwardly slams his fist on the table, making everyone jump.

“Damn! Do you know how valuable she would have been alive? The information we could have gotten out of her?” He glares. “And how much of a mess they would have been without their leader?”

The guard ducks his head. “Yes sir. Sorry.”

Another man leans forward in his chair, Juyeon, his close, right hand man. “But we found intel on their next plans. They are raiding the HQ of a much smaller group, If we meet them there, we can catch them by surprise, and take their leader out.”

Hyunjae doesn’t know how to feel. On one hand, he’ll see you again. On the other, you’ll be in danger.

A grunt leaning by a wall says, “I hope we take her out. That bitch deserves that and worse. If I-”

Before he can finish, Hyunjae has him shoved roughly against the wall. His shirt is clutched in Hyunjae’s fist and a knife pressed to his neck. Hyunjae barely registers his rage, the look of fear and shock from everyone around the room, from the man in his grip. His eyes are eyes wide, looking at Hyunjae for an explanation.

Hyunjae rolls with his show. “Less talking. More doing. Talk after you bring her to me. She’s already escaped once from us.”

“Y-Yes, sir,” he sputters out.

Hyunjae releases him from and glares at the room. “We’re done here.”

...

I should have told you I was in love with you before you left.

Those words echo through your mind nonstop, refusing to give you any mercy. And even worse is the memory of the kiss - of his lips pressed against yours, his hands on your skin, his smell - you secretly wish that moment had lasted forever. You wonder if you’ll ever see him again, and your heart aches in response.

Then, you rip yourself from your thoughts.

“Ugh!” You yell, slamming your gun onto the table. You’ve tried to assemble it for what seemed like the 50th time in the past ten minutes but your thoughts keep distracting you.

“Y/n?” Your subordinate, Younghoon’s voice cuts through your thoughts. “We’re ready to leave.”

You finally manage to click the gun in place. With one last order to your mind to let go of useless thinking, you stand and slip your gun into the holster.  “Let’s go.”

The place you’ve decided to raid has many resources like valuable drugs and money, all hoarded by a smaller group that you can beat out easily. You surprise them, your members jumping out of cars and invading in from all openings of the derelict headquarters.

There’s shouting, scrambling, and finally gunfire. You know this mission will be easy enough - the other group does not have enough people to defend their resources. This will be over before you know it.

At least, that’s what you thought until you spot strange black vans pulling up to the curve outside, men jumping out in large numbers to join the fight. They immediately engage your members with gunfire. You panic, unable to understand what is happening before you catch sight of Hyunjae exiting a van and tucking himself behind the building entrance for shelter against the bullets. He catches your gaze and a number of different emotions pass by his face. He settles on a hesitant smile.

Confusion, then anger rips through you. So much for all those sweet words he spoke yesterday. He’s still fighting you, still trying to kill your members, still prolonging this war. If he wants it that way, then that’s what you’ll give him.

You step out and begin shooting. Chaos seems to erupt with two sizable forces fighting each other inside one building. You can tell that you will not win without a large loss of life.

“Just find whatever you can and go!” You bark at your subordinates. They scramble to obey your orders, grabbing suitcases and locked chests in between the shooting.

Before long, you’re calling them all back from the scene, ordering their retreat. They scramble into the cars you came in. You glance back to see Hyunjae’s men lowering their guns, glancing at him for their next orders - whether to pursue or retreat. However, his gaze is only fixed on you.

Then, he makes a break for it. He runs directly after you without a second glance, without a word to the rest of his group, leaving them stunned in confusion. You would’ve had half a mind to guess that he means to kill you, if it isn’t for the slightly sad expression on his face.

One of your girls steps forward to aim her gun at him. A shock of fear runs through you. “Wait! Stop! Don’t kill him!”

With wide eyes, she obeys and resorts to landing a good punch on Hyunjae’s cheek that sends him tumbling to the ground. Shouts ring out in the air and you see that his members are now running after you.

“Get him into the car! Hurry!”

They do as you order. Soon enough, the party of cars is driving off with Hyunjae’s men trailing behind on foot. They eventually stop and run back into their vans. A car chase ensues through the streets but your smaller cars outrun their bigger vans within minutes. You’re left speeding through the night with a slightly unconscious, groaning Hyunjae in your lap in the backseat.

...

“Does it hurt?”

Hyunjae peers up at you under the dim lighting of your room. You inspect the nasty cut on his cheek, one caused by the punch that took him out.

“I’ve dealt with a lot worse,” he replies, expression unreadable. “Funny how we’re back in the same situation, except...the other way around.”

You know what he means. Last time, you were captured and held in his room as a prisoner. Now, he’s yours, except he came willingly.

You sigh, pouring a bit of rubbing alcohol onto a clean rag. You press it to his cheek and he winces slightly.

“Why did you run after me?” You ask, patting down his skin.

He sighs, eyes running over your face. “Because I wanted to see you.”

You ignore how your stomach flips. “But you left all your men behind, people who depended on you.”

He shrugs.

You scoff, shaking your head as you step back. “You planned that entire raid just to see me? Don’t you care about them? Right now, they’re thinking you’ve gotten captured but really, you ran away.”

“Y/n, I became involved in this filthy life because I had nothing left after I lost you. But now, I found you and…” he trails off, large brown eyes falling on yours. “There’s something more now.”

Your heart thrums but you maintain a frown. “So that’s it? You’d just leave?”

He blinks slowly and smiles. “Yeah. That’s it.”

You carefully place a square piece of gauze on his wound and tape it down. You almost miss his smile, his eyes filled with softness and stars as they gaze at you.

“What is it now?”

He smiles. “Isn’t this familiar?”

You have flashes of memories - cleaning his wounds in the orphanage after he got himself in a fight over your honor.

“Don’t get used to it,” you mutter, tossing a few wrappers in the trash. You move to step away but he’s suddenly standing up, hand shooting out to grip your arm.

“Y/n-“

“Should I remind you that you’re the prisoner in here?” You glare.

His brows are knitted, face forlorn. “You act like you hate me but you don’t really.”

“Oh, I don’t?”

“No, you don’t.” He levels his gaze with you. “You told your gunman not to kill me. You cleaned and dressed my wounds. You kissed me like you’re in love with me-“

“That’s enough,” you growl, tugging harshly away from his grip but he holds onto you tightly.

“I’m sorry. I should have told you I loved you back then,” he says again, and again it flips and cleaves and destroys your heart. His eyes are full of regret. “Maybe you would have stayed.”

He searches your face for something that you’re hesitant and unwilling to give him. Something seems to fade from his eyes as he slowly releases you.

“Or maybe you wouldn’t have.” The smile falls from his lips. “Maybe it was meant to be this way.” He sits back down on your bed. “And maybe I truly was an idiot for getting myself captured by people who want me dead.”

You study his features, twisted in defeat. He’s always been so dependent on your moods, your signs, the words you say to him. He can be emboldened by your subtle signals and just as easily defeated by your rejections. Your heart flips again and you curse it. He really did love you, then and now.

“Maybe, maybe not,” you sigh, earning his attention. “I hated being a burden on you, regardless of... if you loved me or not.”

He gazes at you in such pure confusion that you look away. “Y/n, you were never a burden.”

You feel the sting of tears, a lump forming in your throat. He stands up slowly, steps close to you.

“You were my family-“ he begins.

“You were my family too but you kept getting hurt, kept suffering because of someone so useless as me,” your voice cracks.

His heart seems to break, you can see so in his eyes. He reaches for you tentatively, and you don’t pull away this time. He places a gentle hand on your cheek, gazing deep into your eyes, taking hold of your heart.

“You were never a burden. Never. All those things I did because I loved you,” he says softly. “You could never be a burden.”

Something shatters in your chest and you surge forward to kiss him, tears rolling down your face. He embraces you, eagerly welcomes the kiss, grasps your cheeks as if you are the most precious thing ever.

The kiss is desperate - a release of more than a decade’s worth of repressed love. You’re hypersensitive to the feeling of his lips, his tongue brushing against yours, the deep groans resounding from his chest as you melt in his arms.

“Y/n,” he groans, holding your waist in a tight grip as you pull away, panting for air. His lips attach to your throat, leaving open mouth kisses down the column. Your breaths stutter, fingers curling into his hair. A nip of your skin by his teeth has a light moan slipping past your lips.

He pulls back to gaze at you with an expression you’ve never seen before. His irises swirl with affection mixed with want.

“I- Do you want-“ he manages out, drinking in your gaze, but unable to finish his question.

You swallow thickly, mind racing. Your body is burning with need and longing for him, after so many years. You can only manage out a nod. He presses his forehead against yours.

“I need you to say it.”

You let out a shaky exhale. “I want you.”

He seems to revel in those words before swooping in to kiss you, somehow even more desperate this time. He pulls you gently towards the bed, littering kisses on your lips with breathless words in between.

“Tell me any time if you want to stop, alright?”

You nod. “Okay.”

His eyes twinkle before he kisses you again. You fall back against the sheets. His fingers flit down across your shirt and your pants, stopping to unbutton them. You kick them away impatiently and tug your shirt over your head.

He stares at your semi nude form in awe. He slowly places his hands on the skin of your waist, feeling your skin underneath his fingers.

“Have you had sex before, Hyunjae?” You chuckle.

“You have no idea how long I imagined this,” he whispers, eyes finding yours. “But you’re more beautiful than anything my brain could conjure up.”

Your cheeks burn at the cheesiness but your heart thrums all the same. Then, your mouth goes dry as he reaches and pulls his shirt over his head.

Inch by inch, the deep black ink of tattoos curling across his skin are revealed. His muscles ripple with movement and settle again once he’s cast his shirt away. He gazes at you in anticipation.

You find your voice. “You got tattoos.”

He smiles. “You like them?”

He takes your hand and places it on his stomach. You swallow hard, finger tracing one line of onyx ink. “W-Why would you care if I like them?”

He chuckles. “I care what you like.” He grips your hand softly, entangling his fingers with yours.

You glance at him. “Are you sure you’re a gang leader?”

He smiles and tugs you forward, humming as he kisses you. “You know, you look really hot when you hold a gun.”

You chuckle as his arms wrap around you. “Really?”

“Yeah,” kisses down your throat, hot and open mouthed. “I lost my mind the first time I saw you standing tall, directing orders, shooting.”

You gasp as he grips your ass harshly and sinks his teeth into the skin of your neck at the same time. “I wanted you then and there.”

You can’t respond, your mind slowly descending into the depths of incoherency. He presses you flat against the bed, and leans over you, hips rolling deep against yours. Gasps and moans fall from your lips as he watches, mesmerized.

“I always wanted to hear your moans,” he says breathily, grinding against you. “God, how many nights I’d spend just thinking of you.”

“Hyunjae,” you gasp, grabbing his hips. “You can tone down the love sick puppy-ness.”

He chuckles, a deep low sound that sends tingles straight to your core. “But I can’t help it.” He places a kiss below your heart, trailing down your stomach and your navel, settling between your thighs. “I love you. I have always loved you.”

Warmth floods your chest as you gaze down at him, at his eyes that are filled with affection and the stars of the universe. Then he presses a kiss to your clothed mound and all your thoughts are shattering.

He hooks his fingers under your underwear and drags them down. You shift to sit up on your elbows. “Y-You don’t have to-“

He cuts you off with a disbelieving laugh. “I have waited and imagined every detail of this for years. I can’t not.” He peers up at you. “Unless, of course, you don’t want to.”

You swallow thickly. “N-No. I want to.”

His lips curl into a smile. “Good.”

He removes your underwear, and spreads your thighs around his shoulders. His hot breath meets your core and you release a shaky breath. He gives you one last, heated look, before he’s dragging his tongue across your center, stopping at your clit.

You throw your head back and moan. The sound spurs him on. His hands grip your thighs harder, tongue dipping into your entrance and stealing your sanity. Your ragged breaths turn into gasps and moans, and you involuntarily buck your hips against his face.

He holds you down firmly against the mattress, the muscles in his forearm flexing around your thighs. His eyes burn into yours as another stroke of his tongue sends you reeling.

“H-Hyun,” you gasp out. His eyelids flutter at the sound of his name. He groans into you, shaking you to the core, continuing his ministrations.

You lose your mind slowly. Every movement of his tongue sends you to another dimension. When he pushes a finger inside, you shake and clench and cry out, gasping harshly as he pumps his fingers. He releases a shaky breath against your core when you arch at another finger. A cry and moan crawl up your throat and spill into the air. Your fingers curl into his hair and tug harshly, earning another deep moan from him.

Your mind is descending. He’s kept a slow place so far but is speeding up. Your moans pitch high and the knot in your stomach grows tighter. Just when you’re about to crash, whirl, die and be reborn, everything stops.

His fingers are gone, mouth is gone, his warmth and it's all cold. Your eyelids slip open to find him, kneeling before you, eyes dark, hands tense, slightly shaking. You want to ask why, why he stopped, why he looks as if he’s been wound so tight that he’ll snap.

He wipes his mouth absently, makes the pit of your stomach whirr. He fixes his dark eyes on you.

“I need…” his voice is hoarse. “I need you on top of me, I need to feel you around me.”

You swallow dryly and sit up. A push of his shoulder to the side and he’s rolling onto the bed, head settling upon the pillow. You straddle him easily, as if you belong there. He’s splayed out underneath you, every inch of his skin in reach, every ribbon of muscle, and every inky curl and dip of tattoos across his body, all for you.

You place a hand on his chest, feel him release a sigh and watch your hand dip with his skin with the movement. He is hard underneath you, and you can feel him getting harder.

“So this is how you’ve always imagined it?” You ask, trailing your hand down his skin, under his navel, to stop at his pants button, watching him shudder.

“Yes,” he breathes, eyes closed. You unbutton him, peel his pants off and provide him with some degree of relief. You straddle him again and lean forward to kiss him deeply. He sinks into the kiss, sighs when you move to kiss down his throat, and then trace his tattoos with your lips.

He reaches up to grip your waist. You stop.

“You can't touch.”

He gazes at you, wide eyed. He seems to want to protest but he swallows it and keeps his hands down.

You smile in victory. You hips rock and grind against him, watch him arch in pleasure. His fingers flex and clench the bedsheets beside him. His eyes are heady,  burning into yours, his jaw clenching.

“You’re not used to this, are you?” You ask softly, removing his boxers to feel his hardness in your hands. He makes a muffled sound, refusing to part his lips. “Having someone tell you what to do?” You ask, stroking him slowly, watching a storm of emotions pass his face. “And you can't say anything back?”

You lift your hips up and sink down on him in one movement. There is a pleasurable burn, but you are more focused on the way he tips his head back and groans, his eyelids clenching shut. His fingers twitch against the sheets, his veined arms straining to not touch you.

“And you’re listening so well,” you praise, feeling him stretch you. You release a shaky breath, swallowing a moan.

“Y/n,” he pants. You gasp as you start moving, slowly, almost too slowly at first. After all these years, you want to revel in the feel of him inside you. He releases a broken moan and thrusts up into you in desperation.

You still immediately. “No doing that, either.”

He groans and rolls his head to the side, gazing at you in need, in exasperation. But his hips stay still when you begin riding him again.

Your heart flutters at him listening to you, the head of a mob, who hasn't taken orders from anyone in a long, long time, turning to putty under your hips. You speed up , breaths turning harsh as you roll and bounce your hips against him.

He pants beneath you, a layer of sweat settling on his tattooed skin, his jaw clenching and sheets crumpled into his fists in an effort to hold back. You admire him, beautiful and unholy beneath you. As you palm your own breasts, you take in the sight of his lust filled, darkened eyes watching every movement you make, burning with need to touch you.

Suddenly, his hands are on your waist, gripping the skin as he thrusts up into you. Pleasure explodes from behind your eyelids as you cry out. Somehow, with all your willpower, you remove yourself completely from him. You straddle him further down his thighs, out of reach of his aching cock.

“Y/n,” he straight up whines. His arms reach for you, brows knitted, eyes pleading. “Please.”

Your resolve almost shatters, but you enjoy seeing him like this too much. You merely shake your head and he huffs, resigning himself.

“Will you behave?”

He seems to glare at the ceiling before nodding without a word. Something thrums in your heart. You settle over him and begin the process anew. You like this, seeing him under you, controlling the pace, making love to him. He groans again, and you lean forward to leave open mouthed kisses down his neck, biting the skin so it makes him shudder. Your hips speed up slightly, moaning into the air as his pants. His fingers strain and clench, his eyelids fluttered closed in concentration. You marvel at his self control.

You think of that too late when he thrusts into you once again. When you slow down, he grasps your sides and gives another thrust. You gasp and remove yourself from him but before your warmth can leave his dick completely, he’s rolling you over, flat on your back against the sheets. He harshly rolls his hips against yours.

“Hyun-“ you moan as he gives another thrust, his head tipping back. He picks up pace, hands roaming your body, his self restraint snapping. “I’ve waited for years,” he moans, leaning forward to litter kisses on your neck. “Please don’t make me wait anymore.”

With a bite of your skin, he’s speeding up his thrusts, sending you clawing at his back. He presses his forehead into yours, working his hips in wonders, has you seeing stars, relentlessly, until you cry out his name, clenching hard around him.

“Oh my god,” he groans at your walls milking him. He swallows your moans with his kisses, thrusts into you a few more times until he’s coming with you.

He collapses against you, one lazy arm propped upon the bed so as to not crush you. Your head is swimming, heart thrumming, feeling the tickle of his hair against your cheek as you catch your breath. Pleasure tingles throughout your entire body. He gives a breathless laugh, plants a kiss to your forehead and rolls away to lie on the sheets beside you.

It’s quiet for a heartbeat before he speaks. “Lets run away together.”

You chuckle, “we’re criminals, Hyunjae.”

“So?” he asks, facing you. His eyes are twinkling once again.

You find your words. “So, we can’t just go anywhere. We will always be wanted by the law. Besides, we should have thought of that before getting involved in this stuff.”

He releases a deep exhale. “You were always my dream, my guiding light, whatever I wanted in life. I just became involved in it because I lost you and I ended up here.”

You look at him, silently. “You never say it’s ‘because I left’, only ‘because you lost me,’.”

He blinks at you. “Because I did.” His hand entangles with your own. “I was too afraid to tell you I love you, and so I lost you.”

You squeeze his fingers. “I was… also too afraid to tell you, so I passed off the responsibility to you by asking that question.”

A smile slowly spreads across his lips. “So you’ve always loved me?”

You smile. “Yes, Hyunjae. I’ve always loved you.”

He scoops you into his arms and pulls you close. He litters kisses over every inch of your face, pulling giggles from your lips.

“So since we can’t run away, how about we call a truce between our… groups?”

“Deal.”

He holds out his pinky. You laugh at the old but familiar gesture. You interlace your pinky with his. “Okay, now, deal.”

He giggles, pressing a final kiss to your lips. “I guess you’ll have to let me go so I can convince them.” His brows furrow. “Hopefully they don’t find this place and charge in.” 

“Don’t worry. You haven’t found this place in years, what is one more day?” 

He smiles. “You always were smarter than me.” 

You roll your eyes playfully. “Do you think they can wait one more day, though?”

Hyunjae thinks on it. “I’ve waited for 8 years. I think they should’ve learned a thing or two from me.” 

[namtanlovesfilm]

Can you do I told sunset about you please!!

so this one is really obvious (granted we ignored ipytm altogether loooool) but teh <3 he is a MESS but that's always my fave characters opdfvihuysudihz, I ADORED his coming out journey, and he's like so relatable bc he's highkey a dramaqueen & just so full of feelings and ahhhhhhh, he's just one of my fave characters ever despite ipytm very much ruining him but we don't talk about that

xxx

send me a show & I'll choose only ONE character

[woonietune]

Hello fandom my old friend

I’m being stalked again. I tend to get stalked. It’s sort of a thing with me. A friend once said I wasn’t like crazycake flypaper--that I was more like a Venus flytrap so stalkers beware. True, I’m not to be messed with. That still doesn’t mean I don’t freak out.

The WBDS fandom was pretty quiet these past six years given the noise of my previous fandoms--in which the highest pitch involved the FBI addressing threats to moi (twice). But (twice) in the WBDS fandom I’ve run across people who’ve made my skin crawl--one loves me too much; the other is a sworn enemy. In the past three months, my Instagram has been hacked three (more?) times, and my humble posts (I have a following of less than a 100 ppl--mostly kdrama fans) keep being reported for inappropriate content and taken down. One post I didn’t question--it had a link in the text to a story which IN TURN had a hidden link in a note to M-rated material. But the other reports were just WHACK, like a photo of a guy licking his sword (ok, Insta, that’s so suggestive... but what if it was a hot girl eating a banana?) The last post taken down was a drawing of mine of a guy on a horse, and the story was innocuous--the fic even had a damn puppy in it, ok? Well, a crazy man committed suicide in it, but THAT WAS ALL A PIECE OF FICTION? WAS THAT INSTA-INAPPROPRIATE? Geez, I reposted it all, and I wished whoever was harassing me a Merry Holidays and gave them some pearls to clutch.

I get uncomfortable the more “known” I get in fandom too. More people love me, more people hate me. Someone on Reddit named my current WIP as one of “the greatest fanfics of all time” in a thread, and I was like, duuuuuude, what are you smoking? I’ve been around a while, and off the top of my head, I can think of a gazillion fics way better than my current UNFINISHED fic. The only one allowed to love me and my work that much is my fandom wife. Oh, she got hit one story hit by the kudos bot (I got one story hit too--this is a crazy bot--it’s not a webcrawler--it’s SENTIENT--it hit a lot of people who posted stories in a small fandom thread on Reddit--it READS Reddit). Since Wifey’s story was hit, she put up a disclaimer saying please ignore those fake 70 kudos (however many--I got about the same number on my GREATEST FIC OF ALL TIME, lol, and I put up a similar I hate you kudos bot note). But weirdly, people have not been leaving kudos OR comments for Wifey since she put up disclaimer... it’s like kudo bot nervousness on the part of readers? What has this bot done to us all? (Wifey did get a hilarious comment from anon calling themselves NOTABOT on another story though who left a heart emoji :D).

I feel on pins and needles right now. 

I want to share stories with people and have people like the stories. I don’t like fandom stalkers, haters, kudos bots, weird persistent downvoters for every comment I make on Reddit, mad love like people saying my fic is one of the greatest of all time loooool, or that one poor woman who still wants to have my babies or something after 4 years (and we weren’t even dating, I swear). I don’t know who keeps harassing me on Insta. Maybe the same person who told me to kill myself for writing rape fic a few months ago--I mean,  why target me? So many other writers out there in way bigger fandoms writing way darker rapefics?

Which one of you two was it? Or is there a third now? A fourth, fifth, sixth Debbie-hater?

Brrrrrrrrr.

My friends say I eat these people and get stronger--they’ve seen it happen. But you know how painful it is to digest hate?

Anyway, Wifey’s story is amazing and getting so little attention. It takes a wonderful (terrible) canon time (when Dong-soo was literally insane for a couple months and unable to speak after being betrayed by Woon) and fills in a lot of plot-holes by having us go into Dong-soo reputed genius mind as he hallucinates Woon. It’s brilliant. It’s here: 

Weakness

Speaking of which, I need a very long nap. And I’m envying my cat’s lickable protein snacks. I may order ice cream. Can people get ice cream delivered? I don’t even like ice cream. Soy cream? Can I get a vegetarian drone from a supermarket to drop me off some soy milk cream sandwiches? And a cabana boy with a drink with an umbrella?

[bisluthq]

I think it's not up to you to decide what kind of importance celebrities have in people's lives, people go through difficult times and use music to get out of them to various accounts within this own fandom, yourself months ago turned lil into an angel ignoring all the shit he has been doing it just because he is gay and will help other gays...

Okay bestie listen to me: JK Rowling has “saved” more people than any pop star ever will. Hogwarts has given lonely kids friends, has given sad kids courage, has given abused kids hope. And you know what? That’s valid. Does JK ROWLING matter in this? No lmfao she’s a complete cunt. Does a child who got through a traumatic childhood by imagining an owl coming owe this fucking cunt SHIT? Loooool no. The CHILD got through that because they found something they could project onto. Fuck JKR.

The same applies to Lil Nas - he isn’t perfect, but if a child feels seen and heard and can imagine one day giving that few fucks and being out and proud? Incredible. SHOULD YOU PASS OUT WHEN YOU SEE HIM??? Absolutely. Fucking. Not. He did SHIT ALL for you, YOU got through that. Nicki did SHIT ALL for him, HE got through it. But you/he did it with the help of that art, and that’s cool, but saying “wow I owe my life to this rich stranger” is unhealthy af.

Specifically because they’re not angels dude, none of them, and YOU DON’T KNOW THEM!!!! THEY ARE FUCKING STRANGERS WHO DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU NOR SHOULD THEY!!!!!

Being like “well of course I’d pass out when I see her I owe my life to her and that’s something I’m proud of” is UNHEALTHY and NOT NORMAL. It’s one thing to say “this is important for me” - that’s valid. It’s another to genuinely think some fucking rich cunt who literally doesn’t know u exist and who uses you to make money got you through depression or suicidal ideation or a horrible time in your family or anything else. YOU did that.

No celeb is perfect, various celebs can be important for various people, but if you think you owe your life to Taylor Swift or Nas or JKR or fucking idk Kim Kardashian go to therapy because you don’t - YOU did that. It’s a DISSERVICE TO YOURSELF to act like some random lady’s relationships are your reason for living. If Taylor got you through it, it’s because of your imagination and your dreams and shit and the public image she’s cultivated which made you feel seen - not because of her as a person.

Again, if you feel you owe shit to celebs beyond “wow it’s great they exist because I feel seen and represented and can imagine myself being happy” please try get yourself into therapy. You. Don’t. Owe. Them. Shit.

[meishutori]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES (?)/ NO.

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO (?) / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  —Canon is my bitch and I utilize it as I see fit.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  — Have you seen him? That’s it, that’s the pitch. Though, no, I mean.. He is just such an interesting character ! I am pretty much convinced he is based on Robert Plant, Especially where his looks are concerned. He is a super chill individual, and he FEELS a lot and allows himself to. He is a dramatic bitch, which is incredibly fun to write. He is also a visored which gives so much more angles to write with. 

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  I think people usually tend to say that his fights/abilities are boring, though I just believe he was done dirty lol. His abilities are really cool but they pretty much made him tell his opponents how to beat him so like ??? Also, the flair for drama is something some people might really not appreciate. 

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  All the layers in writing him, and he also has a special place in my heart because I moved to him from Izuru. Where Izuru is a muse I picked up because I was in a terrible headspace, I moved on from him to Rose who also gives opportunities to play his melancholy, but has a positive note to his personality usually, which... Really helps me.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  All the connections to other characters he has, and developing these relationships. At times it is also AUs I get to play (whether modern or something else), and because he is a visored you have a 100 years of human history at your disposal to use in your writing !

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO.

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO. (I tend to think about aspects of his character as they come up in writing. I do memes sometimes that force me to think about it, and that is when I do write them. But usually I don’t)

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO. (I like being able to bounce off someone. That motivates me way more to write than just writing on my own...)

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day?  YES / NO. (When I’m on tumblr I do, but I tend to fixate on the things happening in real life instead.)

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO.

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. (it changes day by day lol)

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. (;W;)

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  — I have issues with Rejection Sensitice Dysphoria, so I don’t handle criticism well at all. I do my best, and try to get better at it. I also don’t tell people to never critices me, obviously, and please do so when I do something that hurts you, but where my portrayal is concerned I really don’t... Care what other people think and don’t need your opinion, sorry ^w^;

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  HELL YES. especially when they are based on threads I have or something. I love exploring dynamics between characters and I really like thinking about my muse’s motivations and choices. HC questions may take me a while though.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  Depends. If they want to tell me I won’t ignore them, but chances are you won’t change my mind.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  I mean.. The unfollow button is right there. There is no reason why you’d have to tell me, unless you think I’m being offensive in some way, in that case, do let me know.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  Loooool Rose is too minor a character for anyone to hate him tbh.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  Yes. they happen a loooot lol, and I’m not a native English speaker/writer. So if you see them, or we have a thread together, feel free to tell me, or to correct my mistakes on your reply reblog.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —I like to think so. I am not a very chill person in real life and at the same time I am ?? I have a lot of anxiety lol but I’ve taught myself to cope, so my body will be like OH SHIT, STRESS and my mind will be like lol chill out. This translates in RP and interactions through me being a little distant to people I don’t already know (social anxiety lol) and coming off cold, I guess. I also don’t have the energy to interact with a lot of people, and I’m old... so like... I like what I’ve already built here. I definitely always try to be polite, but years on tumblr have made me very no-nonsense.

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

Tagged by:  @hirako5hinji {holy shit anna that wa s a LOT (also you are so eloquent asdfh) } Tagging: @deviiatc @viciousvizard @kazeshinigami @despairforme @grimmjxw

[astrxlis-archive]

Message #2 but you can answer any message in any order of course 🥰

The teacher issue wasn't really solved but he was replaced for this one subject already. He still handles the Main one crucial to our education so... Idk 😆😭 I literally don't even care to listen to his class because Why is he like That (he's very confusing and i cannot Learn)...

Woaaa goodluck on looking back to your college content!! (人´ω`*)♡ so insane how professional doctors were able to retain soo much info learned in college. Omg bass and keyboard! That is so very cool😳, i would like to learn music too (<- ambitious, and is bad at it)

IRL is so insane for me, i'm literally like a loner so social media is one medium for me to earn friends atleast(<- doesnt talk to anyone even on socmed) 🤣 i wanna make lots of friends but i obviously can't keep them all and tend to them consistently #introvert. I was one click away from making a blog but then the problem— the username... *Sweats* Interactions -> sharing thoughts comfortably is such a smart concept Fox! Didn't thought of that 😚

My... Creative projects as you described it isn't really any project that you expect😆 just fanarts here and there! <3

Your day that day is really productive already!! (to me, atleast) (๑•̀∀•́ฅ ✧ BUT LIGHTNING *INFRONT* of your house.... 😳 that's so scary! i wanna know what flavor is the cake 👀 please do tell~ i'm very hungry right now but i'll just probably sleep through this (ineffective). i drink water regularly (cant be dehydrated, nuh uh) not the 8 glasses thingy but still a nice amount! how are you today? :D

I did the lost seelie! I picked dayflower (blue) ( ^ω^ ) i really dont wanna pick the pink (not my type/too neon bright) 😅 what about you? Which color did you get? :o Nothing serious really happened! (But maybe it is for an introvert lol) I just didn't have the energy to socialize~ but i was lurking in tumblr to reblog cute carrd pngs or nice images ☺️

Have you tried fishing in Sumeru yet? Do you have a favorite fish? I personally like the Peach of the Deep Waves (only to be fished from the mawtiyama forest mushroom pool!) 🐟 I'm curious how adhd testing would go for you ! You dont need to tell the results if that's your preference ♥

— 🍰.

i feel like you should know my brain compels me to reply in order jfndknd 😅

i... am so sorry. really. i kinda wanna look at the silver lining of "oh, he's out of one at least!" but it still sucks considering the weight of the subject he still teaches. good luck 😭

thank you, i'll do my best 🥲 we review a lot. all the time. at some point the information has to stick lol i have experimental classes booked for next week, so hopefully i'll enjoy them. i used to play bass back in 2011/12 but i don't remember anything. have you tried any instruments?? or singing, maybe?

honestly the way you described your irl is a lot like mine lol #introvert, can absolutely relate. the dreaded username 😂 and even if it's just fanart, it's still a project!! and still cool!!! 💕

the lightning was both funny and scary – our porch light is still out, but the rest was normalized in the morning. i was going upstairs and met my dog halfway bc she got scared 😭😭😭 she kept following me and even camped in front of every door i went through until i went to bed, since she sleeps in my bedroom with me. the cake flavors were chocolate and fubá (apparently it's cornmeal in english?)! very tasty in my opinion uwu also!! don't go to bed hungry >:( you should eat!!!

i'm doing my best, honestly. that's all i can really say. thank you for asking 💕

ahhh, the blue seelie is really cute!! i was torn between that, yellow or green, and ended up getting green. it fits quite nicely with xiao hehe~ i can respect that; taking time for yourself is important.

i haven't yet! actually i've been ignoring the fishing mechanic for a while now loooool the same way i ignore my teapot..... i guess i'll google what fish that is 😅 i'll let you know when i get tested! i'm talking to my psychiatrist about that on friday, and i guess we'll go from there :3c

[clearrx7]

Okay, soooo I filled this list of questions out for Hecate (obviously not my character) even though it’s past 4 am and I most definitely should be asleep by now. Obsession at it’s finest. Send help pls xD

Anyways, here’s a bunch of random headcanons that may or may not be flaming hot garbage. 

1. How does your character feel about personal space?  Do they tend to make others uncomfortable with how close they get, or are they the ones constantly being uncomfortable with anyone getting too close to them? Or do they not care either way?

HB prefers to be in control, and part of that involves being aware of everything and everyone around her at all times. She’s not a fan of people being in her personal space because it threatens that sense of control, since she doesn’t know what to expect. The only exception to this rule is Pippa. She trusts her implicity and knows that she would never hurt her.

On the flip side, Hecate likes to transfer right behind her students when she catches them doing things they aren’t supposed to. This obviously makes them uncomfortable, but that’s the point.

 2. What is your character’s dream career?  Are they actively trying to pursue it, or is just a wish/fantasy they have that they know can never come true?

Hecate’s dream career is teaching. I don’t think she would settle for anything less than exactly what she wanted to do, career-wise at least. (Her personal/social life may be a disaster but academically and professionally, she’s always been on point) Like, if she wanted to be a clock maker then she’d be out there right now in her secluded workshop making the best clocks the world has ever seen looool, but what she wants to do is teach, so teach she does. Maybe at some point during her studies, she seriously considered potions research as an alternative, but in the end, being able to shape young minds and help save the craft one generation at a time won out.

 3.Would your character have fun in an art museum?  Or would they be bugging their friends to leave the whole time?

Hecate is not a fan of art in general. She thinks it’s frivolous and a waste of time. The only reason she’d even go to the museum is if Pippa dragged her there. She’d try to hold back from making too many snide comments because she wants Pippa to enjoy herself, but occasionally she just can’t help herself. (She especially hates abstract art, like, with traditional art she can understand that at the very least it’s aesthetically pleasing, but no matter how she tries, she just can’t see the value of “2 Triangles 1 Square”)

 4.If your character is in pain, do they let everyone around them know just how bad it is, or do they tend to try and cover it up and say they’re fine? Does this ever result in negative consequences, whether it’s people ignoring their complains when they actually do have a bad injury, or their injury going untreated when they really do need help?

Haha I think Hecate would literally be on death’s door, like… bleeding from her eyes, ears, mouth and nose, unable to even walk or stand, and she’d still drag herself to class, telling everyone that she’s fine and can teach. Even when she was a student, she would never admit to feeling ill, which led to at least 1-2 classes every year where she’d be hacking up a lung during lessons. Pippa gave up trying to convince her to stay in bed and rest during school days, and instead just got really good at making charms to ward off illness/alleviate the symptoms.

5.Does your character tend to make decisions based on instincts or “gut feelings,” or do they rely more on logic and careful consideration? Do they ever try to find a balance between the two?

Definitely logical! She has to consider all possible outcomes, which sometimes works against her because she ends up overthinking things.

 6. Is your character easily creeped out by ghost stories, horror movies, scary images, etc.? If so, what kinds of stories scare them the most? Why?

Hecate doesn’t believe in ghosts, so ghost stories don’t scare her. She also doesn’t know much about non-magical entertainment, so she’s never seen any horror movies.

But there is one story from her childhood that’s always terrified her. Miss Broomhead used to tell Hecate about a witch she’d known, a girl with great power and little discipline. Unable to control her magic, it began to consume her, corrupting her mind and driving her mad. She turned to dark magic, stealing the life-force of witches around her (many of whom used to be her friends) in order to keep her body from deteriorating until she was stopped(killed) by Miss Broomhead’s coven.

It’s always followed up with a strict warning that if Hecate’s not careful, she could end up exactly like the witch in the story, and that if she did, Miss Broomhead wouldn’t hesitate to stop her the same way.

 7. Has your character ever had to overcome a big fear in order to complete an important task?  If so, what was the fear, and what did they have to do to overcome it?  If not, have they ever failed at a task because of a fear?

Oh man, 3 words, Broomstick Water-skiing Display loooool. I think one of Hecate’s biggest fears is not being good enough, and I think SOMETHING happened right before the competition to make her feel like she didn’t deserve to be around Pippa anymore, so she decided she would “save” Pippa from herself by staying away from her.

8.Describe how your character deals with failed or failing relationships, whether familial, platonic, romantic, sexual, or otherwise.  Do they easily let go of people, or are they more likely to hold onto a relationship for as long as they can? Does this affect how they form relationships?

Hecate seems like she’d always be waiting for the other shoe to drop when it comes to relationships loool. Like, if Pippa ever says she wants to break up (not that this would ever happen), Hecate would be devastated, but wouldn’t argue because she’s pretty much been expecting it to end since before it even began. It’s not that she easily lets go of people, more that she’s scared to hold them back. I think her way of trying to “hold on” to the relationship would be to do everything in her power to be what she thinks the other person wants.  

9.     Is your character gullible, or do they tend to be more skeptical? If they’re gullible, do people ever take advantage of them for it? And if they’re skeptical, is it hard for others to convince them of things that are actually true?

Yeah she’s skeptical about EVERYTHING (*Cough*Marigold*Cough). The sky is blue? Show her the receipts please. 

10.  If your character emptied the contents of their pockets/purse/backpack/etc., what would be inside? Do they often have a lot of stuff on them from day to day, or are they light packers? 

Wide-awake potion a la Constance Hardbroom? Haha, I don’t think HB’s dress has pockets, and I’ve never seen her carry a bag… I think she’d be more likely to just summon an item if she needed it. The only thing she always carries with her is her pocketwatch.

 11.  Just for fun: If your character was the protagonist of a fantasy RPG, what would their class be?

This one’s obvious! Definitely a mage. (Although, omg. Now that I think about it, Hecate kind of reminds me a little of Knight Commander Meredith from Dragon Age 2)

[theclawofaraven]

I Own You pt. 2 (Jungkook angst fic)

This is the second part of the series, hope you enjoy! And a slight warning for you guys that in these series BTS are gonna be quite the assholes and objectifying women a lot but its just a story dont take it too deep into the heart and know that I love BTS to infinity and beyond loooool

*GIF NOT MINE CREDIT TO THE OWNER*

Y/N POV

Eva and I decided to visit Seunghoon a couple of days later. It was kind of the same scenario at the party. Music pumping out of the speakers, happy people everywhere who danced and talked and awesome cars of course. Eva immediately went for the dance floor as I jumped on Seunghoon in a hug, making him smile and twirl me around in the air.

"You are my little cherry" he chuckled and kissed me on the cheek. I blushed a bit when he did that and he put me down.

"So any new stuff going on?" I asked as he nodded brightly.

"I'm racing today and you'll be in first place to see it!" He said cheerfully.

"Seriously?" I said both shocked and terrified.

He gave me the brightest smile as he opened his car door for me. Seunghoon's gang cheered me on to just enjoy the ride even though I felt nervous. But I trusted Seunghoon so I calmed down.

Seunghoon drove up to the start line as everybody surrounded the car with cheering and howling. I felt giddish, a small rush of adrenaline pumping through my blood.

This was really exciting!

All of a sudden a roaring engine is heard as everybody started screaming of excitement and howling even louder. Seunghoon and I turned our heads to the side to see the other person driving up next to us.

I felt a sting of anger as I saw a calm Jungkook slowly pulling up to the start line with one hand on the steering wheel. He turned his head to us as I swiftly pressed my head back. I didn't like that person one bit and I knew the feeling was soaring through Seunghoon as well.

"This win is mine Jungkook!" Seunghoon said harshly as Jungkook seemed to chuckle. I decided not to look at him and his slut of a bumper who sat next to him.

"Seunghoon you will never win over Jungkook, even if you've gotten a bumper" I could see the smirk on the girls face as she said that.

"Y/N is not my bumper!" Seunghoon said outraged as Jungkook chuckled again and his skank laughed histerically. All of us turned our heads towards as a girl walked in front of us with her scarf.

"Ready... set... GO!" She shrieked as both cars took off.

The adrenaline and the fear striked me as Seunghoon speeded in the parking house. I felt scared, terrified, joyful and ecstatic all at the same time as Seunghoon did his best to make every turn right as Jungkook went right beside us, looking as calm as ever.

I glanced over as we flew in high speed across the garage. Jungkook concentrated at the road as his slut bumper was cheering him and rubbing his leg, but instead of enjoying it in a smartass way, which I thought he would, Jungkook pushed her hand away and seemed to yell something at her.

I was taken by surprise but was caught off guard as we turned and entered the final long straight way with the finish line at the end. Everybody was standing there cheering and screaming loud.

"You can make it Seunghoon!" I said hopefully as he was in the lead. Seunghoon smiled and changed gear as we almost were there until, all of a sudden, Jungkook took off and were suddenly several meters ahead. He crossed the finish line about 2 seconds before Seunghoon.

Everybody screamed loudly as both cars stopped.

Seunghoon was furious as we both saw Jungkook walking out of his car with this stuck up face and greeted everybody nonchalant.

"Seunghoon it's okay" I said and stroked his arm.

"I'm going to kill him!!" Seunghoon said vigurously as he flew out of the car. I ran as fast as I could but V made it before I did.

V held Seunghoon back as he tried to throw his fists against Jungkook who just chuckled and leaned back with crossed arms over his chest against his car.

"You asshole!" Seunghoon screamed and tried to push V away.

"I'm sorry, but you lost yet another time Seunghoon" Jungkook said and laughed.

Unfortunately Seunghoon was too strong for V and he just pushed him away and lunged for Jungkook but in a matter of seconds I threw myself in front of him, stopping Seunghoon.

"CALM DOWN!" I screamed at him.

He tried to push me away but I stood my ground as he eventually calmed down. Seunghoon's gang helped me carry him off to just chill himself down.

Everybody scattered around and kept on going partying leaving the scene.

"You're quite the feisty bumper, aren't you?" A voice said close behind me. I swiftly turned around, finding Jungkook looking at me with a grin on his face.

"I'm not a bumper." I said through gritted teeth.

He just grinned even more.

"Yeah every bumper says that" he said and smirked.

"Who the hell are you telling me i'm a bumper??" I said cocky.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise at me.

"Hun, don't you know who I am, or what I can do?" He said with an even bigger smirk.

"You're a fucking criminal that's what you are you asshole." I said to him harshly, making him chuckle in amusement.

"What's so funny?" V asked as he came up beside Jungkook with his slutty bumper under his shoulder.

"This is an aggressive one" Jungkook said and licked his lips.

"Yeah, I have heard of those" V chuckled. I squinted my eyes at them threatfully.

"KOOKIEEEE" a high-pitched voice screamed as Jungkook mutterrd loudly. The bimbo who sat in his car during the race came running against us, or Jungkook rather.

She was wearing short shorts and a yellow tank top and a lot of make up and high heels to the roof, which she stumbled in. She threw herself over him, clinging and everything as he looked irritated and mumbled something in her ear, which she seemed to ignore.

"I said, get the hell of me!" He suddenly growled and pushed her away so she landed on her butt to the ground.

I just stood there watching everything and feeling my hatred against Jungkook just building up, even if she was a slut she didn't need to be treated like a dog.

"Y/N, I've been looking for you everywhere!" Eva suddenly said and came up to my side. I begged for her not to comment V or Jungkook but of course.

"Ohh I see you have been meeting some new people" she giggled interested and checked V out.

"Ehm, we should go" I said low and started to pull her arm.

"No don't go, who is this beauty?" V asked with a smirk and sent off his bumper.

"I'm Eva, and you're Kim Taehyung, right?" She said in a flirty way as Vs grin just got bigger. I didn't like this at all.

"Yeah, how nice that you know me. I can show you my car if you want?" He said soft and stretched out his hand to Eva as she giggled.

"Eva, I said we should go!" I said to her once again. She looked at me and rolled her eyes before she took Vs hand and they walked away.

"Fuck" I mumbled to myself, completely forgetting Jungkook who stood in front of me.

"Something wrong?" He asked and dragged me out of my daze. I looked at him surprised by the sweetness of his tone until his bimbo jumped on him again, making him sigh.

"And who the fuck are you?" She snarled and looked me up and down. I gave her a glare.

"I'm Y/N, and you are?" I said and gave her a small smile, which she hissed about.

"I am Minji, Jungkook's girlfriend" She saud joyfully and looked at him with lovely eyes and stroked his chest. Jungkook muffled and pushed her away, again.

"Well I'll leave you two lovebirds alone then" I mumbled uninterested and walked away, I was getting home and that was it.

...

"I hope you still aren't mad about the race" I asked as Seunghoon drove me home.

"I'm still mad, but if it wasn't for you, a pure war would have broken out" he said and gave me a smile. I felt warm inside when I was with Seunghoon, he was my little sunshine, even if he was a bit of an idiot. He suddenly looked very worried as we pulled up to my apartment. We walked out of the car and Hirato stood in front of me, looking at me worriedly.

"Seunghoon, is something wrong?" I asked as he sighed.

"I'm just a bit in edge, I am going to meet up with the Gunwoo-clan tomorrow" he said.

"Who is that?" I said and placed my hand comforting on his arm.

"They are rivals to me and my gang, also Jungkook's gang. They are former mafia, living outside of Seoul but they have power over a big part of the black industry here" he said and sounded nervous.

I took a deep breath and hugged him.

"Seunghoon, I don't like this. You are putting yourself in so much danger" I whimpered to his chest as he held me.

"I know, I'm sorry but I have to do this" he said low.

"Please, for me?" I asked and looked at him. He got a sad look on his face before his eyes went down to the ground.

"I'll call you tomorrow" he said and kissed my forehead before he went back to his car and drove off, leaving me there.

Suddenly, the wheels of a car screamed and I turned my head to the side to see a familiar car driving off. I remembered whom it belonged to all of a sudden. Jeon Jungkook.

THEEE ENDDD of part 2! Oh and guys I forgot to mention before that if you have any requests for bts/exo/winner/ikon/bigbang fake texts, reactions or any of that stuff you can just message me and ask💕

[sonatanotwo]

*BLUE SCREEN OF DEAAAATH*

An error has occurred. Please stand by while Virgil-mun reboots.

EVERYTHING CHANGED WHEN THE 00:32 ATTACKED.

........WELL SHIT.

I mean. I think the more I let this soak in... I’m kinda okay with it??? In a I LOVED MY HEADCANONS SO MUCH BUT. Like. I could go either way in TOS. But it DID kinda feel like things were pointed differently in TAG??? X__x

But.

WHELP.

GUESS I GOT SOME HEADCANONS TO UH... TWEAK. 

So many headcanons...  and fic plans…  and so much artwork...

Rest in pieces. 

｡･ﾟﾟ･(>д<)･ﾟﾟ･｡

lol I just. Oh man.

No single episode has ever thrown our world quite so upside down, much less ONE WORD. XD

BUT LIKE. I’ve been thinking as it’s been soaking in... standing back with a bit more objectivity...

I think the writing was KINDA on the wall? ^.^a

The way Scott and Virgil interact certainly pointed this way? Like. Bro pointed out Slingshot. John came down... and Scott and Virgil are both reassuring him. He’s very insecure there and Scott and Virgil very much take the role of two big bros. And there really is... just a vibe between them when they tease and jib each other and talk on missions. It’s hard to quite explain but. Yeah. And then just... Recharge. Recharge. All of it. I’m sure there’s other things, I’m just pulling these off top of my head. lol but yeah. We really can't say signs haven't been there, ya know? XD

And another thing that is easy to forget... many of the TAG! creative team were fans of the original. I think a lot of many casual fans (in that they didn’t have all the annuals and what not XD) I think did generally assume Virgil was second. Heck, if I’d only rewatched TOS and then TAG! without falling into wikis and fan fic, I’d probably have assumed Virgil was second too. lol :) And also... like.. 40? ish? years publications and stuff did put Virg 2nd. A lot of fans would have seen that long before Carlton and Bentley’s book changed everything in 2000 on. So. The possibility was always very strongly there this is how they’d go.

BUT. On the other hand, to be fair, there have certainly been mixed signals. The way Virgil and Gordon interact very much does feel like it was Virgil->Gordon. And in Breakdown a lot of the way Virgil and John bounced off each other did have a vibe to it...  especially asking about ‘the big book of rescues’. Virgil being more experienced, you’d think he’d know before John. And just. In animation TALL to SMALL tends to reflect ages. XDDD Animation likes to be really that ridiculously obvious, because they think the visual cues are things kids need. lol

So it was entirely fair we went down this path. It was a nice path and things fit together well. I adored my headcanons. ;A;  ...But. Perhaps we overlooked the more obvious a bit?? =Oa lol XD

This is going to take awhile to process and rework headcanons, gosh. XD Like. Trying to parse and it’s just...my brain... so bluescreened. XD Where to START. lolol I’ve been rping Virg over 2 years now? XD lol I mean, I could totally choose to ignore this, but... I always try to adhere to canon. I've always known there could be a risk John or Virgil would one day say something like this. XD I DID know. SO... I can’t really say I’m actually surprised.

LIKE, JUST, WOW, DID NOT EXPECT THAT TODAY. LOOOL

AT LEAST, I THINK this should lock everyone in order wise? Cause oh gosh, rewatching one of the interviews with David and Rasmus, David specifically says “both Alan and Gordon--even though they’re the youngest and sort of the jokers of the pack” and then Ras does vague mention ‘the two oldest’ (which I realize I do recall sorta wondering...Oldest? Scott and WHO?) then moment later does speak about Scott (having the weight of the world) and… Virgil being normally relaxed (and David speaks up all, but he’s the emotional caretaker.) ..Scott and Virgil. Oh gosh, it seems so obvious now. HAHA OOPS. XD 

ANYHOO. RIGHT. SO.

How about the other 21:28 of the episode.... XDDD (I really thought this entire post would be just entirely OMG, GRANDMA AND VIRG SO ADORBS. LOLOLOLOL)

BUT YEAH. SO. ....STILL, OMG, GRANDMA AND VIRG SO ADORBS!!!1!!! Gosh, Virgil loves his Grandma, especially to take her shopping, I guess. XDDD He’s so patient with her. XD

DICE. lolol They didn’t seem very Virg to me, but then Bro found info that apparently pilots would hang dice for good luck? especially showing the number 7? One point I think 5 and 2 are upwards. And like when Grandma baps them, they show 4 2 and 1 XDDD I GUESS HE NEEDED LUCK FOR GRANDMA SHOPPING. XDDDD Must not be too attached to em’ since gave em’ away though.

SCOTT is the one who is especially all about his hair. HAHAHAHA XDDD (Also Grandma called him SCOTTY :D)

Virgil just. GOSH. So worried about her. Like. I said it about that clip. No he’s SO not talking to Grandma to take care of TB2, it’s to TB2 to take care of his Grandma. He’s really not so worried about TB2, it’s entirely Grandma he’s worried about in this episode. Totes. :|b

GRANDMA FLEW AROUND THE WORLD. She was like. FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS. A;sdjoasia Met her husband and had a son. (...one son? ...oops. WELL. So much for that bit of sorta TOS semi-Canon XD That’s the extra materials for ya. lol Although... Designated Drive Parker said your father and his brothers? Though coulda been a throw-away for the joke? Hum. XD ) They liked exploring too?! (I guess that’d explain the compass…)  This doesn’t entirely nix out the Kansas setting I think, but gosh. HRM.

Grandma... has a name.

Grandma has a name, guys. (...WELL, yes, obviously she did, but wow didn’t expect to actually get TOLD it.)

And it's not Ruth. (...WELL, obviously it was never gonna be cause that was %100 fanfiction created fanon, but.)

I just. a;sidj a;sidja ;aosjida

WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT THIS EPISODE EITHER. WELL THEN.

Sally Tracy :D

Gosh what else. Lololol Grandma’s shopping list is a hoot. Even Virgil looks so like oh god this list what, when he’s reading it at the end. I also sense many creative team injokes on it. XD Oh guess know it is a snooker table now. (...why… do they need new cues? XDa Maybe a show injoke? Maybe those tiny ones break a lot? HRM XD) Lemon squeezer loooool.

I like even though cooking did come up, it was like… not oh god cooking jokes.

I just. GOSH.

There is so much to think about. I’m still kinda stuck on 00:32  muchless the rest. XD

ANYHOO.  I think I’m going to make another post to ramble in about headcanons. Got so much to now try and sort out in my brain. Cause as much as it doesn’t change everything it does still change things.

[aceofwands]

Ria hateblogs Discovery Episode 4: “CBS cares not for its fans The Butcher’s Knife Cares Not For the Lamb” (originally livelogged to @kendradaynes)

here we go. I've seen some upset comments on already - so boy am I excited to see how awful it is!

ohhhhh good, we're getting some previously from the Klingons. so. keen. to see more awful acting through prosthetics!

we begin with ... weird lightning that's pulling rock/metal together ... and pull out through clouds to a uniform being replicated

at least the effects are cool right, that's all we're here to see right

loooool a holographic mirror. obvs. I mean why use a real mirror amirite?

Tilly brought back Michael a box that's pinging at her. oh lol it's the last will and testament of Captain Georgiou.

why would you make a box that pinged until you opened it??????

oh great. it's Saru again. 

they step out onto the bridge at Red Alert?? the rest of the ship showed no sign of being at red alert. and Michael and Saru seem surprised. oh lol ofc it was just a battle sim

jfc there was a terrifying bridge crewmen with a huge bug head

UM. WHAT. PAUSED IT TO EXPRESS OUTRAGE AGAIN: Lorca is now lecturing the bridge crew, about how they have the only new propulsion drive ('Displacement Activated Spore Hub Drive' which is about the kind of dumb name I'd expect) in the fleet, and when it's up and running they can materialise anywhere in the known universe, "But we will be alone. We will not have backup. There's just us, and we get one chance." WHAT

WHAAAAAAT

WHAT KIND OF RUBBISH NONSENSE BULLSHIT IS THIS

Starfleet is NOT going to make ONE DRIVE for ONE SHIP to do ONE SNEAK ATTACK BY ITSELF. and it's not going to put this drive for this sneak attack on a SCIENCE VESSEL

it's SO fucking RIDICULOUS

you'd think the Federation has never fought any wars or been in any battles, the way this storyline is written!

LORD. had to pause again. to write a long angry sentence about how Lorca and Michael now stepped out of a turbolift into a DARK CORRIDOR which is lighting up as they walk through section by section. JUST. STOP. YOU STUPID STUPID SHOW

he's showing her his creepy weapons lab

Lorca: "I study war"

Michael: "these are some of the deadliest weapons in the galaxy" (they included katanas in a box. wtf. that’s the deadliest weapon Earth has? I don’t think so buddy) 

now he's showing her the creepy creature he picked up from the ship

"why would you keep something so dangerous on board your own ship?" GOOD QUESTION

"we need the best weapons available" ... he wants to use its properties for weapons. and wants her to do it.

THIS IS THE WORST

good it's the dumb intro that I can ignore to rant about how fucking STUPID this show is

WHAT THE FUCK

THIS. IS. NOT. STAR. TREK.

it's not even REMOTELY Star Trek

it's SO far away from everything that makes Star Trek, Star Trek

EVEN IF I accept that Starfleet does weapons research - WHICH I DO (though I don't think we need a show about it) - I do NOT believe for one second that it takes place on ONE science ship called Discovery! they'd have labs on a base somewhere. a whole TEAM of scientists and weapons experts!

oh lord. Klingons again. please no. 

just discovered Klingons can move their eyes and hands and that's about it

great I have to read dumb subtitles. the stupid white Klingon is drawing dramatic holographic art. everything on this show is about drama

OH LOL

I KNOW WHAT PEOPLE HATED NOW

the white Klingon and lady Klingon ATE CAPTAIN GEORGIOU

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

YES

okay so Klingons eat the hearts of their enemies .... but pick the flesh from their skulls? since when

oh gross they're trying to develop Klingon houses. and I could just not care less. 

and it's impossible to hateblog and read all the subtitles. it's so hard to follow or care about these Klingons 

back to Michael - Landry said Lorca thinks they'd make a good team ???? how?

I reeeeeeeeeeeeally hate Landry: "let's call it ripper, it's what it looks like, what it does"

it resembles a tardigrade from Earth. it was a stowaway on the Glenn. Michael's like 'lol, nothing in its biology suggests it'll be helpful'

Michael: "It can only be what it is, not what you want it to be."

Landry: "it's amazing how much I hate Vulcan proverbs"

It’s amazing how much I hate Landry and her casual racism against Vulcans (speciesm?)

back to Lorca, receiving a holomessage from an Admiral. got a distress call from Korvan II, which produces 40% of the Federation's dilithium. and Discovery is the only ship close enough to help ... because it can use its new drive even though it's only made small jumps so far.

right, cause I really believe the Federation would leave their major source of dilithium undefended in a war (or not have closer ships ready if their defences went down)

Admiral: "You have no doubts." Lorca: "None." cut to Stamets: "there is no way in hell we'll be ready to jump that far"

Stamets is explaining they don't have the navigation ability ... the drive is based on probability? idk it sounds so dumb and nonsense 

ugh more Klingons. some dude named Kol just appeared, painted in red. oh he's the one from the first eps. saying he's now come with humility. I hate the dumb ships, they have cathedral lighting ffs!

Kol's saying they need this ship back in the war. but they're running out food and don't have dilithium processor blah blah blah who CARES 

sooooooooo boooooooring

Spore Drive is online (that's why they have black alert btw, when they're using the spore drive)

oh good, another android or robot, that makes sense for this time period

the monster down with Michael is NOT PLEASED they're activating the spore drive

oh lord, so much dramatic music and reaction shots

this drive works by them spinning and then jumping. they just jumped into the corona of an O-type star

WHO COULD POSSIBLY HAVE FORESEEN THIS

it's not like Stamets warned you he couldn't control it or anything

Stamets broke his nose, Doctor Culber just said 'hold still or you'll wind up looking like a Tellarite' which I'd usually take as humorous but there's so much racism on the show who can tell (I’d also usually be on board for their snarky flirty banter, but in amongst this dumpster fire, who cares!)

Lorca is still being an ass to Stamets

OHHHHH

Lorca: "the Discovery is no longer a science vessel, it's a war ship"

Stamets: "that is NOT the mission I signed on for, I’m as scientist not a soldier"

Lorca: "then get off, leave the ship"

Stamets: "if I go, I'm taking everything, my spores, my drive, everything on this ship is designed around my specialty" (what)

Lorca: "everything on this ship is the property of Starfleet, Lieutenant"blah blah blah more fighting

SOOO BAD

Lorca's playing the audio transmissions from Korvan II over the shipwide audio. to make everyone feel like shit. esp Stamets

now Landry is getting weapons, trying to sedate the creature, and cut its claw off

LOL IT IS NOT SEDATED

WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED

HAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Landry is dead!!! 

Michael just emergency transported to sickbay, cause that's a thing they can do at this time

Lorca: "find a use for that creature, don't let her death be in vain". it's HER OWN FAULT SHE DIED. if she wasn't such an impatient idiot (or you hadn’t pushed her to ‘get results’). if she listened to Michael. 

OH LORD. cut to, Klingons in the wreck of the Shenzhou, wearing their DUMB EVA suits. the faceplate looks more like a Gorn/ (they're stealing the dilithium processor from it)

I just reeeeeeally don't care about any of this. it's so boring. like, the complete absence of excitement

blah blah the white Klingon and the lady Klingon are talking a lot. idk if it's supposed to be like ... flirty? ewwww I think it is. give me Martok and Sirella any day

I cannot wait for the next 20 mins to be over so I can be not watching this.

LOL we're back to Michael and Saru. and he just said she'd fit in perfectly with Captain Lorca (as an insult). this crew is perfect for each other, ALL AWFUL

Tilly has brought some spores to Michael, who's now offering them to the creature. lol it's like licking her like a dog kinda

idk Michael's just real bad at following orders. they didn't ask you to make friends with it!

what's the bet the monster lives in the spore dimension. lol, even better, it eats spores???

the other ship was using the creature to navigate. SO ETHICAL

they've beamed it into the spore forest

Stamets was supposed to be interested, almost nice for a change, but he has the same frown on his face

@kendradaynes: “this show is a car crash”

IT IS! OMG IT'S SO BORING

now we're back on the Klingon ship again

STOP. WHO CARES

HAAAAAAAA. Kol just took over the white Klingon's ship by offering them food from his own ship, and they swore loyalty. the whole Klingon story with the divided houses and whatever is SOOOOO DULL

HA. lady Klingon fell into line with Kol

back to Discovery. they've beamed the creature into the reaction cube and the tech from the Glenn is activating

...... ...... .....

I've just realised. it's Equinox.

THE PLOT IS FUCKING EQUINOX

VOYAGER DID THIS 20 YEARS AGO! except they were on the ETHICAL SIDE

how does the ship interface with the creature to navigate????

IT MAKES NO SENSE

poor creature

Lorca is like, orchestrating the viewscreen battle 

they dropped some bombs and jumped away with the drive

OMG. HYSTERICAL. LAUGHTER. just cut to some kid in her dad's arm on the surface of Korvan II: "who saved us?"

SO

FAKE

why does this REALLY IMPORTANT dilithium mine have no defence or base for its population? they’re out on the surface being killed like???

LOL the white Klingon was left on the Shenzhou. but the lady Klingon beamed over after him. of course she's ~devoted to him~because we all know that female Klingons want nothing more than to stand behind a powerful man Klingon

blah blah she's going to take him to her own house. to have the matriarchs teach him things "you never knew were possible". but he has to sacrifice, and I quote, "everything"

good

lord

you cannot make up how bad this dialogue is

Michael's back in the lab feeding the poor creature some spores. it sounds super unhappy. WHAT A SURPRISE

"hey, you feeling better?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME

this is unethical BULLSHIT

this is the exact OPPOSITE of Star Trek

oh, it's okay, Michael says she's sorry, that makes it okay

the pillows are printed with a delta with "USS DISCOVERY" on it. I can't

lord I hate Tilly. go away

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Tilly's giving this speech about how Michael shouldn't be afraid to open the will box. cause "I watched you tame the most incredible creature" (torture is not taming!) "and you're not afraid of anything"

STOP

soooo fucking dumb

this show is a train wreck

a dumpster fire

a trash heap

HA

I hope everyone's happy

Michelle Yeoh has appeared again

as a hologram telling Michael her will

handing down her most important possession, handed down through centuries of her family

sucks to be all those people who ridiculously though Georgiou would come back

lol it's her telescope

w o w. another 50 mins of my life I can't get back

oh good, more action in the next one

great. Mudd in the next episode. Lorca captured by Klingons. Michael worried about how much more they can torture the creature. I'm SO excited - ha. not. 

[osetljiv]

(via https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2odvuQkrlARSSv6Pvm41GM?si=sjzD66aFTGa5TkMfcIurtQ)

hi i am doing this solely for myself/my own records so please feel free to ignore!!!!!! i wanted to challenge myself by making a top 10 albums list from the last decade - it was rly difficult because my ass truly cannot cut things down and be decisive, but here it is! 

i know many ppl r not into this kinda thing, but i really really love symbolic gestures - i love the idea that a new year (or a new decade!) can wipe ur slate clean, can give u a chance to be hopeful and excited and look forward to things - i hate change and i hate endings but the one good thing to come of them are beginnings! i love new starts, i love freshness, i love blank slates. i know that the end of the year/decade is arbitrary and doesn’t rly mean anything in the long run but....... it is important and super special to me!!!

i’m really not good with words/proper descriptions of the music itself, so i mainly just describe memories/associations i make to the albums, so don’t expect a proper music critic’s review or anything LOL… i am also not ranking by objective quality, but influence - these r the albums that personally made the biggest impact on me since 2010. i started off the decade age 13 and finished it in 2019 at age 23..... so clearly that is a very big difference in stages of life!!! i completed my teenage years, graduated from elementary school, high school & university.... i went thru many different friend groups, many different personality changes...... several big life events occurred…. many many hours were spent listening to music. and now i’m here! 

my only rules were 1. had to be on repeat for a significant amount of time, 2. preferably only one album per artist (to force me to pick between them), and 3. i had to consistently listen to the album as a whole (as opposed to just a few songs out of it)...... some of my fav songs in the world aren’t on these albums bc they were either released before 2010 or i didn’t listen to the rest of the album except for a handful of songs (as is usually the case for me). so the albums on this list are markers in my life, and i could (and did!) listen to them front and back. and ALSO they are not ranked from 1-10...... it was literally difficult enough choosing just 10 and i truly would not survive having to rank them as well. in release date order, here they are!!!!!

 owen pallett - heartland (jan 12th, 2010)

okay i know i just said i wouldn’t rank these but........... well this one is #1 regardless lol!!! the rest are not in any sort of order but this one has to be first (and how lucky that it was released first too!!!) this is the most important/special album to me in the world - it’s the first album released by my favourite musician under his real name, it has some of my most favourite songs of all time on it - it’s probably the first album in my life that i loved and listened to as a whole! when I was younger i never used to have favourite singers or favourite writers or favourite artists - i would have one favourite song/book/painting but never look into the creator’s other work, never had any interest in organizing things that way. but this is the first time i thought - “i adore this song..... and i adore all the other songs this person makes.... so i guess i like this whole album?” not to mention it’s a whole story and world - heartland tells a whole fable and sounds so beautiful doing so. owen was also the first concert i’ve ever been to! he is so beautiful and wonderful and this album is perfect and has my heart and can do no wrong! and as a plus it was released right at the beginning of 2010 so it truly started off the decade and set the pace. i really don’t know what else to say! heartland was a constant throughout the last ten years - i can’t tie it to one specific moment or feeling the way i can with the other albums. this one was really just the background of my whole adolescence, i guess, and i’ll love owen and this album forever!!!! love love love

 gorillaz - plastic beach (march 3, 2010)

i honestly didn’t listen to this album as a whole until the summer after grade 11/before grade 12 when i had to take summer school for math bc i failed (first class i had ever failed :’)!!) and needed the credit for my grade 12 courses (many of which i ended up failing anyway lol) BUT i still had hope at this point so this summer wasn’t that bad..... i remember i had to buy my own bus pass for the summer w my own work money for the first time and walk to the mall bus stop every day all summer to take the city bus downtown to the highschool that used to b a prison (RIP, it got torn down this year) to take summer math from 8-3, 5 days a wk. i loved those classes surprisingly? i remember that summer i dressed so cute every day, i would wear my extra ass dresses and knee high socks and do my hair all cute...... i’d steal my mom’s old lady sweaters w mini skirts and make my own coffee to bring w me and felt so adult..... i didn’t make any friends bc i thought they were all too cool but later learned that the girls in class rly liked me and remembered me the next year when i’d see them at their highschool when visiting for a trivia tournament (don’t judge!!!!) also the first time i got hit on bc a 30 yr old man in my class somehow got my email from the teacher and sent me a creepy email asking me out and i was too scared to go to school the next day lol..... truly feels surreal. but yes i would listen to this album (and demon dayz!) on repeat cuz i found the full albums uploaded to youtube so i remember i would just listen to the entire album all the way thru for the duration of the bus ride while looking out the window and daydreaming bc i couldn’t skip any songs and I couldn’t go on my phone bc the music only plays if u keep the youtube app open…. so it’s hard to listen to the songs individually now because i just picture the transitions every time!

 caribou - swim (april 20, 2010)

this was my summer between grade 8 - grade 9! up until this point i only had a handful of western artists that i listened to (before highschool i listened almost exclusively to Japanese doujin groups that remixed video game music…. do NOT judge!!!) and i felt soooo cool when i started listening to this album/others like it… had odessa downloaded on my zen creative mp3.... so freaking good!! got so embarrassed of my music taste after this LOL cuz my brother saw the album cover on my phone in highschool and asked what hipster shit i was listening to. little did he know.... its GOOD!!!! such a great album to just listen to all the way through. perfect background music for studying/ /walking/smoking/literally doing anything to! i can still listen to it and pinpoint different/new melodies in the back in certain songs. so good!!!

 crystal castles - (II) (april 23, 2010)

so many 2010 albums wow but LISTEN....... i first heard crystal castles in either 2010 or 2011, immediately after i first made a tumblr in grade 9.... this was the era when offensive bloggers and hipster british bloggers were like the only 2 sections of tumblr...... one of the first ppl i followed was this one super popular british blogger, this kid from london who was probs 15 and he had like, a pale grunge aesthetic and rly long bangs that covered his eyes.... i forget his name omg i wish i could see what he was doing now! but ya i loved him i thought he was the coolest thing ever, i went on his blog and he had autoplay and pap smear was the first song that started playing...... i remember being like wtf is this??? first time i heard music like that, with the video game sounds mixed in and the vocals so distorted. i literally was enamoured like i remember thinking i should hate it and wtf r these british freaks listening to but like..... i could NOTTTT STOP and i remember i wouldn’t even bother looking up the song on youtube or anything, when i wanted to listen to the song i would just go to this guy’s tumblr LOOOOOL god!!!! on the outside i was a cutesy girly girl but on the inside i was a pale grunge hipster british tumblr user!

 beach house - bloom (may 15, 2012)

this album is just the sweetest, prettiest memory…. it’s so.. crisp? and clear and pure and loving! beach house was (unsurprisingly) my spotify artist of the decade and i don’t care what rep they get or how similar their music may sound i love them with my entire heart! discovered them from tumblr (as i did most of my fav highschool albums) - first beach house song i ever heard was wild - i remember the first time i started being (SLIGHTLY) less mortified of talking about my music taste to other people, it was maybe in first year? i had gotten into my friend’s car, before we got super close, and she was playing a song off of bloom i think! and i remember my heart just stopped!!!! and i was so absolutely terrified of saying anything, but even moreso excited to see someone whose opinion i cared about who was listening to music that i liked, and so i gathered all my strength and tried to be super casual and say something like “oh, you like beach house, too?” (meanwhile i was literally shaking with nerves…..) and she just so easily said “yeah, i love this song!” and it was the most validating, comforting thing! and a while after that, one of my favourite memories: my other friend got hired at a local café/tea shop, the teeniest little place – it was like 3x4 metres, max – and she would close the store alone, and it was always completely dead, so the group of us would go and sit with her for her entire shift in this sweet warm little store – we’d have tea and coffee and scones – and over the store speakers, she would play whatever we wanted – and for a while i didn’t make suggestions, let everyone else choose, but! i worked my way up to suggesting she play bloom – and she would play the album all the way through, and she surprisingly really liked it?? and then it became the default soundtrack to our tiny hangouts in the tiny café :’)

 toro y moi - anything in return (jan 16, 2013)

WOWWWW truly such a throwback....... this is the first time i felt cool, TRULY cool listening to music LMAOOOO SO EMBARRASSING!!! i remember the day it came out, grade 11 i guess??? but i swear it must have leaked way earlier cuz i remember listening to this way before.... my fav tumblr user at the time (kiki deerhoof LMFAO now THAT is a throwback!!!!) was always posting abt toro y moi and made a mixtape w his music on it and i fell in love..... and i wanted to be cool too! so i would obsessively listen to this album when it dropped. the album drop also overlapped w the moment my grades/effort in school went on a steep decline (not that it caused it ofc but this was like…. the background music to my demise, in a way!) i’ll never forget listening to so many details on my chilly walk past my old elementary school at 6am to get to my bus stop - way too cool for school

 mac demarco - salad days (apr 1, 2014)

how fitting that chamber of reflection is playing in the coffee shop as i type this :’) this album was the soundtrack to my late grade 12/entire grade 13 experience. i was SO thoroughly and unbearably depressed LOOOOL it was really awful… i’m laughing now thinking back at it but honestly the feeling of being left behind by all of your friends and having to come to terms with not meeting ur own expectations of urself… having to repeat a year and being the oldest one in ur classes…… SO AWFUL!!!! really truly idk how i did it! but the whole time, all year, i would listen to this album. i would always play it on my walk to the city bus (in grade 13 i never made the actual school bus and i don’t even know how much money i must have paid taking the city bus every day bc i truly could not get out of bed early enough to take the free school bus but ALAS……) and i swear to you that entire year was grey and foggy and cold and damp… and i would play salad days (the song itself) and my emo ass would associate 100% with mac singing “oh mama, acting like my life’s already over….. oh dear, act your age and try another year,” and i swear he was singing it just for me, trying to slap me out of my stupor by saying “calm down, ur fine, ur life isn’t over, it’s just one year and you’ll be back on track!” and sometimes, SOMETIMES!! it worked!

 azealia banks - broke with expensive taste (nov 7, 2014)

i know i know..... i’m aware how we feel about azealia now....... and i know how overstated it is when ppl say “she may be problematic but she was an artistic GENIUS!!!” so i will not add more to the conversation but....... is this album not pristine? like what a masterpiece????? this album straight up defined my highschool experience even tho it was released at the beginning of grade 12..... all of grade 12/13 i was blasting this album while walking down the hallway hating literally everything! i grew up idolizing my bro and all he listened to (techno/house/etc) and loving it but being too embarrassed of copying him to get too into it, but then hearing azealia sound cute and sexy and scary while interpolating all these house beats. LITERALLY chicken soup for the soul… it felt like she made it just for me!! and even before bwet actually dropped, listening to 212 and all of her other singles waiting for her to finally drop the album she was tweeting about for years, like i don’t remember the last time i anticipated an album for soooo long? and she dropped it days after my 17th bday which really was such a perfect gift. listening to this w my friend who also loved azealia, pretending we were cool as SHIT and so grown up...... beyond influential

 frank ocean - blonde (aug 20, 2016)

ur lying if this album wasn’t a pivotal moment for u......... blonde is the sole reason summer 16 is viewed as a cultural landmark. i SWEAR!!!! i may have spent 8 hours a day on tumblr in 2016 but my ass was NOT cool enough to have been listening to frank ocean prior to blonde..... no i never listened to channel orange before this, yes i know i was behind the times! 2016 was the summer after my 1st year of uni, august i had just finished my summer school course so my summer was just starting (i was re-taking 1st year math bc i failed..... some things never change huh!!!! lied to my dad and told him i was tryna get ahead by taking bio in summer school... he believed me till he caught me in a lie by chatting w my friend he bumped into at walmart LOL.... and yet he never said a word :’) an angel) this was also the summer my dad left for a few months to go travelling across canada, he was gone all summer and my bro was busy working and so was my mom and i had the car all to myself for the first time. went on SOOO many drives this summer blasting this album. not to mention that since my dad wasn’t home the responsibility to drive my mom to work fell on me and wow i LOVED it? i realized i love having little responsibilities and having ppl rely on me in little ways like this..... i loved going to bed at 3am and having my mom gently wake me up at 5:30am, having a coffee with her before leaving in my ratty pajamas to drive her to work, the sun was just rising but it was already sooo hot, that summer i remember i couldn’t even hold the steering wheel cuz it was burning and my car didn’t (still doesn’t!) have AC, i’d drop her off to work up on the mountain and as i drove down the escarpment i would roll down the windows and blast pink + white right as the sun began to peek over the clouds and i would take a pretty sunrise pic every time before driving around for a bit, listening to this album, going home, and going back to sleep till 2pm

 blood orange - negro swan (aug 24, 2018)

i fully expected this list to be mainly albums released earlier in the decade, which makes sense – they would’ve had more time to have an effect on me – but as the final/most recent entry on my list, this album was beautiful enough to be a consistent part of the most recent year-and-a-half of my life!!! it’s also unique in that it’s one of the only albums on this list, i think, where i had already been a big fan of the artist’s previous work and was waiting for the album to drop. not 2 sound like one of THOSE people but i often find myself liking the first albums i heard from an artist/their older music better than newer work they release (not always!!! but often!), not from any kind of elitism or anything but honestly probably just nostalgia fogging my taste? especially for my first listen of a new album – it usually takes some time and a few re-listens before i really enjoy a newer release – BUT! from the moment dev released the album cover (which is so beautiful? one of my fav album covers off the top of my head) and dropped the first 2 singles, ESPECIALLY charcoal baby, i was so so enamoured with the album, right from the start. that whole summer i had it on repeat – early the next year i saw dev play in Toronto, and it was one of the best concerts i’ve ever been to – the lighting and colours and his dancing and demeanour, the other vocalists, plus we were right up at the stage, it was so stunning!!!!! this album has consistently appeared on all of my various spotify playlists, it rly can suit all moods and occasions, i love it very much and it’s the perfect album to round out my past decade in music!

 honourable mentions: SPEED ROUND

yes i’m a CHILD that cannot commit to cutting things down...... but tbh i’m surprised enough that i was able to preen my list into a top 10 anyway. so these r the honourable mentions that i couldn’t live with myself if i didn’t mention in some way!!!! all also very good and important and special to me, in no particular order!

mount kimbie - love what survives: i won’t lie this one hurt to not include on my top 10 :( i’m surprised too.... my friend rly fought for this to be included but i had to listen to my heart!!! however ofc i HAD to include it here at the very least. i was so shocked when it dropped, it was nothing like the rest of mount kimbie’s stuff i had previously heard.... i discovered them randomly when i was studying and spotify did that annoying thing where it plays “artist radio” or whatever so one of their older songs came on shuffle and WOW it was so good! and then i properly listened to them after hearing their songs with king krule... anyway this album is stunning and i am SO sad i didn’t get to see them when they came to toronto but i promise myself (and u!) that i will go the next time they come by!!!! u have my word!

foals - holy fire: this one also hurts a lot to not include :((( a LOT a lot! this one i’m really fond of, my fav foals album and one of the main albums i associate with highschool! so pretty, i’ll never forget hearing holy fire (the song itself) for the first time, so angry and satisfying and GOOD!!!

king krule - 6ft beneath the moon/the ooz: love both these albums soooo so much, i think 6fbtm came closer to almost being in the top 10 but others had it beat juuust slightly - these albums defined the beginning/end of my uni career, respectively, and i’ll cherish them forever! love archie’s ugly ginger ass with my whole heart

james blake - the colour in anything: was such a fan of james and was so excited when this album dropped - it was the start of summer i think? and i would always play it when i went for bike rides to the beach with my dad! such pretty music to drive ur bike to beside the water, all the way down the waterfront until we got to the next city over, riding past all the rich ppl’s mansions and trying to sneak a glance into their windows as we rode by

beyonce - self-titled: obviously the day this dropped - w no promo whatsoever - was a critical moment in music history!! we played this obsessively in high school, blasted this album the entire Europe trip in grade 12 and it just reminds me of travelling and planes and France…. so sexy!

solange - a seat at the table: rly truly a gorgeous album!! we played this in the car when my friends and i trekked to Toronto early one fall morning right after it dropped, we skipped school to go to some event at a café, and we had to wake up DUMB early, like 4:30AM, and i went to go pick them up and we were all way too tired to talk to eachother and stressed cuz we absolutely COULDN’T miss the train so i played this album the whole drive there while the sun was rising and it was so calming and pretty and special

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Birthdays, quinoa and not reading books | July Goals Update

Hey People of Earth!

A) Just want to say, I looked over my June Goals Update post before this, and ohhhh myyyy, am I feeling so much better? I know in that post, I was *not* in a great place, but I’m happy to report I’m doing so much better now!

B) There was no b I don’t know why I did this whole ABC thing.

Alrighty.

WHAT A MONTH.

I honestly am so amazed July is over, but also am not amazed because it’s felt like three years, but it’s also only felt like two days. So. That’s my current aesthetic.

I don't really know how to preface this post. There isn't much to say... I mean, I had a good month? But let’s just get into these goals.

1. Hit 100k in FOSTERED #5

HIT 118K BABY.

(I’m so proud of this goal, lol. So, so proud.)

(Good job. Good. Job.)

2. Outline more of ALANNIS, and like maybe try to finish it, though I mean this isn’t going to happen, so yeah, just work on it pls

You know how last month I said I didn't even touch this thing? Well guess who did the same thing this month. ;)

I’m sorry Matthew. I am so sorry.

Matthew drawn by @sarahkelsiwrites​ ^^^ 

(In other news, I’ve gotten a BUNCH of new ideas [by bunch I mean like 2 but] for this book and for its sequel, so does that count? Planned an awesome Matthew + Harrison + Lonan scene in the car driving up to New York, so fun timez.)

3. Upload another video.

I UPLOADED THREE VIDEOS JUST ROUND OF APPLAUSE ROUND OF APPLAUSE MY FRIENDS.

HONESTLY JUST A GIANT YES TO THIS ONE YESSSS.

4. Read a book yo.

HONESTLY JUST A GIANT NO TO THIS ONE HAHHAHAAAAAA.

ha.

h

a

I did not do this.

I’m sorry. OKAY WAIT BUT.

I finished reading what @sssoto has written in her WIP RENAISSANCE so that totally counts right. Yeah. Yeah totally. (GREAT BOOK.)

5. Finish another character portrait

Honestly Rachel, slay your life right now, just slay it because guess who did this... I think I did this in July? But I painted @sarahkelsiwrites‘ character Delilah from her WIP STICK PEOPLE. Hopefully I did this in July.

I mean I don't mind this, but I liked Sarah’s sketch better. Which looked like:

I also painted Lonan (again) this month:

I was also trying to be a nice person by surprising @sarahkelsiwrites with a painting of Simon from STICK PEOPLE (which she doesn't know about) and then it started looking like Clifford but right now it looks like a Simon Clifford morph and I just quit with this painting:

I sketched Simon a looooong time ago traditionally, so went in Krita to adjust it to look less shitty and then Clifford showed up and I quit. Also looks like Ben. So. Goddammit Benjamin.

Surprise @sarahkelsiwrites.

6. Write at least 100 words in the I’M DISAPPOINTED short story.

OKAY so this goal.

I’m kind of probably most likely going to scrap this goal.

My goal for this year was to write two books and a short story, buuuuuut here’s the thing... GREAT things (sort of) have happened in the development of I’M DISAPPOINTED, and I’ll go more in depth in my writing update, but I just... don’t feel comfortable writing this short story until I fix that book. This is because the changes I've come up with will most likely change a lot of character motivations etc towards the end of the book, and since this short story comes after that, I just don't know. I want to write this thing so much, but I just can’t write it without patching up the book first. With that said, if a short story presents itself for me to write, I’ll still keep this goal under my belt, buuuuuuuut yes. So rip goal 2k17.

So that was it for this month! I did a lot better than I thought I would. Here are my goals for August:

1. Hit 140k in FOSTERED #5

It’s kind of nuts to jump from last month’s goal of hitting 100k to 140k, but I’m almost at 120k now, and I usually aim for 10k a month, soooo...

2. Outline more of ALANNIS, and like maybe try to finish it, though I mean this isn’t going to happen, so yeah, just work on it pls

PLEASE.

3. Upload another video.

4. Read a book yo.

DUUUUUDE PLEAAAAASE IT’S BEEN LIKE 2 MONTHS.

5. Finish another character portrait

6. STOP IGNORING I’M DISAPPOINTED.

So. Since getting these new ideas for I’M DISAPPOINTED, I’ve been highkey ignoring this book and pretending it doesn't exist... My actual goal for August is to stop avoiding this book. That doesn't mean working on it. That just means pls just acknowledge it’s a thing pls.

So I think that’s all I want to do... If I could finish FOSTERED #5 in August, that’d be great but also I don't know if it would because I still haven't finished planning ALANNIS so then I’d be stuck writing nothing oh my siiigh.

ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOSTER AND JULIAN CASABLANCAS BECAUSE BOTH OF YOU HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY APPARENTLY AND I HAD NO IDEA MOSTLY HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULES WHO CARES ABOUT FOSTER. (Their birthday is August 23rd, so I’m just putting this here since it will be long gone when I write my August update so yes happy one month in advance birthday.)

Here’s a cake @sarahkelsiwrites, @imdisappointed and I made for Foster two years ago:

To very briefly explain why the cake says quinoa

- Sarah, Ashley and I (and frankly let’s throw in everyone who ever meets Foster ever especially Harrison) have this thing where we enjoy making fun of Foster and his niceness. One thing we constantly joke about is his love for healthy things one would deem ‘boring’ (and by one I mean Harrison), so quinoa was something we used to say often in 2015 to mock this poor, nice boy. We’re terrible people. I actually quite enjoy quinoa. So. (This is just all in good fun.)

Some quinoa excerpts (keep in mind these were written in 2015, which means I was 13, I also haven't edited them at all):

“Okay, that’s it.” Foster says with another grin. “You’re in on this too. Because I personally want to laugh in your face when I see exactly what all of those waffles are doing to Your Royal Fatness.” 

“Fine,” Harrison agrees with a grin. “Though let me tell you, dear Fosever. Eating all of that quinoa from the looks of it, sure as hell isn’t helping.”

ROASTED

“Reeve, you actually might be making the greatest choice of your life right now, because from the looks of it, Fosever still looks twelve.” 

“Says the guy with a secret shrine of Spiderman action figures stuffed in his pockets.” Foster snaps back, the warmth of him passing closer to me swishing by in a half of a second. 

“Go eat your goddamn quinoa, Fosever.” Harrison snaps.

DYING FOSEVER STILL LOOKS TWELVE HAAAAAHA

and:

From next to him, Ris grunts over his steaming waffles, a full mouth when he turns his face toward Lonan who’s got the same laptop in front of his face, furiously tapping at the keyboard as he concentrates. 

Harrison actually reaches over and slams the lid shut. 

“Hey asshole,” he says around his mouthful of waffle. “Put the fucking technology away, and be a little social.”

Lonan’s dead silent on the receiving end, and when I look closer at him, I realize it’s because his fists are tightly clenched and a vein in his forehead’s bulging. 

“That was three full days of work that you might’ve completely ruined!” Lonan hisses, eyes wide and angry as he stares at Harrison who’s scowling around his breakfast. 

“Anyway…” Foster continues awkwardly. “Basically, helping people is sometimes–” He’s cut off as a giant waffle is smothered up to his face, Harrison holding it out tauntingly. “What the hell are you doing?” 

“You know you want the waffle… Waffles...”  

“Okay,” Foster says with an irritated sigh, pushing away Harrison’s outstretched arm. “This is exactly why you’re going to die alone…” 

“And you’re going to marry quinoa–”

And a cake Sarah made for me for Foster’s birthday last year:

The sprinkles make out an F, and yes this was as cool as it sounds.

Fun fact: since Foster out of all of my characters is the only one who has a birthday in the summer [that I know of], it’s the only birthday we ever hardcore celebrate. Sorry everyone else.

This is what Harrison gets on his birthday:

(this was two years ago guess who didn't post about his birthday this year loooool)

and this is what lonan gets

(I wrote this on a table at my library. I wonder if it’s still there. Also two years ago, he got nothing this year.)

(Reeve never gets anything every year.)

(Foster why do you think you’re so special to get cake n shit on your birthday every year.)

(it’s because I’m bored in the summer)

(also I have nothing against quinoa.)

So that’s it for this update!

I hope you enjoyed. I love writing these things. Look out for my writing update which I’m going to draft right now... So hopefully it’ll be up by tomorrow!

Thanks so much for reading!

--Rachel