#please give us Terry backstory at least

[karatekels]

WARNING: SPOILERS WILL BE COMING! 🚨

So, as we all know, part 1 of season 6 is dropping tonight! It's looking like midnight my time, and because I am a large baby, that is past my bedtime.

I'm going to be binging the episodes early tomorrow morning, and posting my ranting rambling thoughts here - maybe I'll just use this post? - the way I did for the first five episodes of my rewatch.

I will hide them under a cut, and I don't plan on posting anything about the new season outside of this post for a week or so.

Basically, if you want to avoid spoilers: read with caution!

Episode 1: Peacetime in the Valley

…God I really love how they do music on this show.

Okay this peace better die real fucking quick because I’m annoyed.

CHOZEN IN A SHORT ROBE, NOW WE’RE TALKING.

Looking at this newspaper clipping, I wonder if we’re supposed to care about little details or if they just didn’t really care and it’s completely random. If it’s NOT random, I have thoughts:

Why is the photographer who took Terry’s mugshot only named by their initials. Anyone know a B.T.?

…okay, looking at the column on the left, this had better be a joke. CLOWN MURDER?!

And then the article itself is cobbled together. Unless this is just a fake newspaper as a plant, then this is pretty week bud.

Coincidentally, if you or any other showrunner would like to hire me to write fake newspaper articles for your show or movie so that people like me don’t tear you apart online, I am available!

Okay so Tory and Robby are clearly still together, and the only thing that isn’t complete peace is Kenny and Anthony only looking at each other from a distance?

DANIEL’S SMUG SMILE AS THE COBRA KAI LOGO GETS THROWN AWAY GO FUCK YOURSELF SIR.

Amanda YES, bring up Terry getting the charges dropped!

Kreese vs. US Marshals eh?

Stop talking about my man without showing him, Daniel.

Oh good, already tension between Daniel and Johnny’s views on things.

OH JOHNNY LOOKS GENUINELY DEVASTATED THAT THEY DEMOLISHED THE ABANDONED WAREHOUSE.

…wow we really are just forgiving Benedict Penis Breath for some reason, huh?

IT DID NOT TAKE AWHILE FOR YOU TWO TO TALK AGAIN, ROBBY. YOU LITERALLY JUST HAD A FIGHT AND THAT SEEMED TO FIX EVERYTHING??

…Johnny wants to use fire on the children? I can think of a couple that can be guinea pigs *cough*KYLER*cough*

Ohhhhhh… Daniel picking Chozen over Johnny isn’t gonna end well. What if instead we got rid of Daniel and Johnny and Chozen hung out.

– insert Sekai Taikai exposition here –

And the new name of the dojo iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis… I MEAN, WE’VE ALL BEEN CALLING IT MIYAGI-FANG FOREVER.

Of course Daniel is angry (I mean it is a stupid picture of Mr. Miyagi but still)

…Chozen going against Johnny here really doesn’t check out. But I am here for a Chozen vs. Johnny fight.

The worst double-date in history! WHO CARES IF SHE DOESN’T WANT TO LEARN MIYAGI-DO??

Robby, don’t you dare speak ill of the precious Kenny/Silver mentorship dynamic you JERK.

Daniel (and Chozen) being so dismissive of Johnny’s feelings makes me sad

Oh DIP OMINOUS TEXT MESSAGE GOOD THING YOU BOUGHT THAT AXE.

Tory looks so sad and I hate it. Eat your waffle cone, Miguel.

Robby why in the hell would interrupting the game make Kenny want to listen to you? Also lmao look who’s taller now Kenny grew like 2 feet.

HI SHAWN. …Being ominous in an arcade is great.

Daniel preaching balance when he’s simultaneously…Daniel is infuriating.

…Chozen alcoholism subplot? ANDNO KUMIKO?! BUT I SHIP IT SO HARD!

Oh Johnny really brought the axe huh?

OH MY GOD STINGRAY I’M DYING.

Shawn your child brother is starting high school please do not take him to a strip club.

ROBBY WHY WOULD YOU APPROACH WHILE THEY HAVE BATS.

WE DON’T WANT TO FIGHT, he says while joining the fight!

…am I Stingray? “Because it’s awesome” – I WILL BELIEVE IN COBRA KAI FOREVER.

And he appreciates that Amanda is a smokeshow.

Don’t you dare disrespect ponytail dude, Shawn Payne.

Did the prison system actually help Shawn? SHOCKING.

Daniel being the bigger person? Only took HOW MANY DECADES?!

…so we’re calling it Miyagi-Do? Even though it’s not just Miyagi-Do? THIS IS DUMB.

We don’t get to see how Kreese got to Korea? REALLY?!

Episode 2: The Prize

NICK! YAY TERRY BACKSTORY! (Also Barrett yay but I mean… TERRY)

Kreese defending her is so cute OH MY GOD SHE’S IN THE AIR CHILL OUT GRAMPS.

Oh good, sewage in the cooking pots.

Not a real talk about money on this show! Oh, we’re cutting away?

…Why did we linger on that one student when Kim said “Silver is gone now”? Am I just looking for hope where there isn’t any?

I’m sorry, how old is this man going to be now? HE LOOKED 80 IN THE LATE 60S.

Does Amanda just dress like that everyday? Daniel is a lucky man.

I would watch an entire YouTube series in the vein of Trixie & Katya’s “I Like to Watch” that’s just Chozen watching reality shows.

“Your incompetence is why I must stay alive” is a brutal fucking line.

Kyler and his gaggle of 45 year old college freshmen. Or just Brucks.

…please think Chozen and Johnny are a gay couple, Mr. Realtor. Okay no, but Johnny blowing this up pretty spectacularly is pretty great.

Why do I feel like this is going to culminate in Kreese stabbing Immortal Kim because he’s “worthy of taking control”?

OR THE SNAKE COULD BITE HIM UMMMM.

As someone who has been in university in some capacity for like a decade, this… was not my experience. Though watching Kyler get shit on is kind of fun.

OH NO DUTCH REFERENCE. HE’S STILL IN PRISON THOUGH THAT’S GOOD.

Deus ex Johnny-fan ftw!

NOT HALLUCINATION NICK MARINI!

…Okay, so we are just gonna double down on the homoeroticism with men being each other’s weaknesses? I mean I’m here for it.

Frats have always seemed so stupid to me, with hazing and shit. Even for morons like Kyler. Never thought I’d see the day where I’m rooting for Kyler but I guess here we are. DESTROY THE DOUCHEBAGS. (Though how is anyone getting into college with this ASSAULT)

American tourist loses mind in cave, talks to snake. Film at 11.

Kyler acknowledging he’s a moron? I’m here for it. NO NOT ANOTHER FRAT COME ON.

LMAO Johnny insisting he has a job – AND IT WORKS HE JUST STARTS SELLING CARS.

Amanda is right though, what’s in the briefcase, Johnny?

Kim Da-Eun is gonna JUMP Kreese’s bones istg

Episode 3: Sleeper

Chozen freeloading is hilarious

“Chicks dig me” as a response to possibly having a daughter is crazy.

WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!

…the cobra is still in your dealership, Daniel?

“I’m a girl dad” – Johnny Lawrence, 2024 (or whatever year this is supposed to be I can’t remember)

…okay this episode is called Sleeper and we’re seeing that same student we did in the last episode when they said “Silver is gone now” DID TERRY HAVE A BASTARD CHILD AND NOT KNOW ABOUT IT?!

You tell ‘em, Devon.

Lol “LEE, CALL YOUR DAD, YOU’RE HANDLING THIS PROBLEM AT YOUR HOUSE.”

Please don’t be a stupid retcon of Miyagi’s character please don’t be a stupid retcon of Miyagi’s character please don’t be a stupid retcon of Miyagi’s character please don’t be a stupid retcon of Miyagi’s character please don’t be a stupid retcon of Miyagi’s character

Got a lot of mystery boxes in this episode, huh?

…”we can have a girls’ night,” says the 50-something year old man to the 3 teenaged girls he isn’t related to. I do love his relationship with Devon though. It’s a shame she’s going to die in a freak karate accident so that Johnny can name his daughter after her.

THE HORRORS LOCKED AWAY IN A HIDDEN COMPARTMENT ARE THAT HE WAS A BOXER?!

…oh and he beat the shit out of people.

AND HE CHANGED HIS NAME?! OKAY SHIT’S GETTING INTERESTING.

Lmao the Ouija board fakeout

Yeah good Daniel, leave your dolled-up wife in the shady gym.

OH MY GOD JOHNNY PLEASE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING.

Kreese is really just trying to make a bunch of killing machines (or at least one, anyway), huh?

The Big 3 weren’t lying when they said they were going all out this season with the fights.

Also is Kreese just fine with the snake bite? He’s fine?

Oh noooo, Mr. Miyagi wasn’t a perfect human I’m SHOCKED.

Johnny is SO happy they’re fighting I love it – OH NO BOOOOOOOOOO PEACE. Go get matching tattoos or something you dorks.

Oh no Daniel, is your perfect worldview crumbling? Was surrogate daddy not as perfect as you thought?

YES, CHOZEN. WHAT DID HAPPEN IN CANCUN?

Nooo Chozen don’t leave even if it is for Kumiko I’LL MISS YOU.

Yes, let’s end the episode on “girls are easy”

Oh no wait, more Daniel mourning the loss of his innocence

Were the rumours right? We’re going to Spain? LET’S GOOOOOOO – wait how are they going to afford everyone going?

And we’re down to six – Miguel, Robby, Hawk, Sam, Tory… Kenny/Demetri/Devon?

Episode 4: Underdogs

Hawk thinks patriotism will earn him a spot? God I hate that mohawk.

“Each and every one of you has a shot, even though many of you are either our children, close enough to be our children, or are our clear favourites”

SHUT UP DEVON IF ANTHONY GETS PICKED I’M GOING TO KILL SOMEONE.

Johnny assuming he’s as good as a partner at the dealership is KILLING me

THANK YOU FOR TELLING HIM NO ABOUT ANTHONY, JOHNNY.

Why is Daniel so against them… actually earning their spots?

Hi Mike!

Lol flashback – but why not show Terry?

YES DEVON MY QUEEN.

AWWW, Penis Breath is so happy with his new name.

SERIOUSLY? ANTHONY?

If Anthony makes it I’m killing myself.

Devon speaking up for all neglected minor characters everywhere.

What in the actual fuck is going on. Go away Yasmine you suck. OKAY BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF DEMETRI’S HAPPINESS. …maybe her dumping him would’ve been better she is the WORST.

Binary Bros. will be the couple with the drama this season.

This capture the flag game seems fun but Mike can’t look at everyone at once…

I mean your son IS going to bleed and get the shit kicked out of him, Daniel. Wake up. No? Gonna keep feeding him your bs? Cool.

Barnes has quite the craftsmanship.

JOHNNY VS MIKE LET’S GOOOOOOOO… but away from the saw please.

HEY HE SAID THE THING.

…we’re really just gonna call each other bad boys with a straight face?

Okay Devon, enough with the negative self-talk. You’re sounding like me.

NOOOOOO Binary Bros. are fighting!

Kenny is kind of cocky af and I hope he doesn’t get it.

Smart move would’ve been to go up top and see if you can spot the flag…

OH WE TOOK KENNY OUT WITH A CHEAP TRICK…that’s not funny.

Oh SHIT Demetri is being an asshat. Why is NO ONE asking bout Hawk?

MAN now Devon has to feel bad because someone else chea– OH MY GOD IT WAS HER.

Episode 5: Best of the Best

Why does Tory’s mom healing feel so ominous why does Tory’s mom healing feel so ominous why does Tory’s mom healing feel so ominous why does Tory’s mom healing feel so ominous

Oh look Kreese has come for a visit.

And yet another blonde champion has turned against Kreese.

OH MY GOD, DEMETRI SHUT UP.

Robby you lovestruck little fool it’s adorable.

I really love Terry (duh) but Johnny is 100% my favourite Sensei.

HEY LEAVE THAT CANADIAN DUMMY ALONE, EH?

What about your worst impulses, Danny Boy?  S H U T    U P   and appreciate your hot wife for once, Jesus!

…Carmen is going to go into labour in this episode isn’t she.

AND there it is! Nope wait, false alarm. Everybody go hug Miguel.

NO NO NO DON’T BE DEAD NO NO NO

GOD FUCKING DAMNIT

HER FIST WAS CLENCHED – WAS IT KREESE?

Why does Sam and Miguel’s relationship seem so focused on beating Robby and Tory? While Robby and Tory seem actually into each other?

Daniel you suck, you hypocritical, self-righteous twat.

This is some mighty fine acting, Miss Peyton List. Best crier on the show since Xolo!

JOHNNY YOU HAVE A BABY ON THE WAY CAN YOU NOT YANK THE STEERING WHEEL.

…he’s right though. SHUT UP DANIEL.

Okay but Johnny this is really stupid you’ve sold cars for four minutes.

LMAO “YOU’RE FINALLY LEAVING HIM” GOD AMANDA LISTEN TO JOHNNY HE’S RIGHT.

Johnny gonna embrace boxing with the students? Daniel can’t really say anything about it not being about Mr. Miyagi then.

She kept… the bottlecap… I AM NOT OKAY.

You did not try, Daniel. Shut the fuck up. I’m mad at you. Go away. Get your head outta your ass.

You don’t get to know everything about anyone, Daniel. Especially when you’ve got your head so far in the sand you can’t even come to grips with who YOU are.

Amanda go find Tory. GO FIND TORY, AMANDA.

Okay there’s Tory. USE THAT MOTIVATION, ROBBY.

Can Robby get a decent haircut for once please? He’s a cute kid, his head deserves better.

Good for you, Robby. (Also why do I feel like he’s going to change his last name to Lawrence once the baby is born and then they’ll all just be one big happy sappy family)

I’m sure that Tory seeing both of Sam’s living and supportive parents there won’t screw her up at all.

Oh that’s gonna be Tory’s therapist or something for Amanda isn’t it UH OH.

YEAH YOU NEED TO STOP THE FIGHT.

OH SHIT. Not Danny striking first.

FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH WITH THIS KUMBAYA SHIT.

…Kenny’s gonna be mad about that – oh wait he’s not there and I’m sure it’s going well for him.

Not the bloodstained headband.

…Hawk really kept the dumb mohawk for the tournament huh?

Tory and Kenny gonna be fighting for Korea with Kreese?

(Why is Kreese there? This is televised? The police??)

LET’S FUCKING GO TORY.

[frostedfaves]

Tactical Village

Pairing: Jake Peralta x fem!reader

Summary: Y/N gets a little jealous on Tactical Village Day. Rewrite of 1x19.

Word Count: 1.7k

Warnings: mentions of gun use

-

Tactical Village Day. A national holiday at the nine-nine, and everyone had a different reason for celebrating. Rosa was out for blood, simply because it was in her nature to be. Terry had the stress of raising twins locked, loaded and ready to be released. Amy wanted to prove her skill level to the captain and check out the new handguns (but good luck getting her to admit her obsession with 'finger feel'). Jake wanted "Coolest Kill" and a children's karate trophy. Truth be told, all I wanted this year was to want Jake less.

It's exhausting being friends with the person you're hiding your feelings from, even more so when his best friend Charles thinks everyone is in love with Jake and overthinks all of our interactions. I'd fully planned to spend the day perfecting my tactical skills while listening to Jake explain the extensive backstory of his character as a friend. Then fate decided to throw a monkey wrench into that plan, and unfortunately for me, she was attractive.

"I'm so sorry," Jake awkwardly laughed, letting go of her arms after saving her from falling. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine! I...wait, Peralta? Jake Peralta, hi! How have you been?" I couldn't fight the rolling of my eyes as she flipped her hair over her shoulder with a tilt of her head, grinning.

"I've been good, yeah!" He noticed her eyes flicker over to me and turned to introduce me. "Y/N, this is Nikki Becker. Nikki, this is Y/N L/N, my friend and fellow detective from the nine-nine."

"Pleased to meet you, Y/N." She shook my hand lightly before practically tossing it aside, never once taking her eyes off Jake. "I'm so glad we found each other again! We were best friends in the academy."

I glared at her as my arms found their way across my chest, locking together. "I thought Rosa was your academy BFF, Jake—"

"People can have more than one best friend," she quickly cut in, finally looking at me with a sickly sweet smile and eyes that could kill if they'd given us real bullets.

"Sure." I turned and walked over to where Rosa stood, smirking as I approached her. "Don't say anything," I quickly mumbled as I huffed out a frustrated breath and she chuckled.

"Why not? You were clearly winning."

"What?" I saw her eyes trained on something else and followed them to see Jake joining us.

"Hey, Y/N! Ready to check out those handguns now?" Before I could respond, we were also joined by Nikki.

"Jakey! They have this new gun that attacks through sound that's supposed to be really accurate. Come check it out with me!" she insisted, tugging on his arm as he looked to me with a raised eyebrow.

"It's fine, I'll go with Rosa." I held a smile as he finally let her drag him away until they were completely out of my sight, turning to Rosa with a sigh. "Let's not even talk about it. I don't want Charles to hear."

"He's gone to get a 'cafe con leche', so we've got about ten minutes. But if you really don't wanna talk about it we can draw some hair on the targets, grab some brand new weapons, and pretend we're damaging the vocal chords that produce that stupid voice of hers." I laughed and followed her outside.

-

The rest of our field testing and target practicing time went by smoothly...for Nikki, at least. She spent most of the time latched onto Jake like a long-haired leech while I spent my time shooting targets until they were covered with thick layers of paint, constantly running out of bullets every time I heard her vomit inducing giggle.

"Dude, are you alright?" Amy questioned when I slammed down an empty gun and reached for another one.

"Perfectly fine, Ames," I replied without looking at her as I shot five straight bullets into the poor target's head.

"Okay, I think you've had enough practice." She turned the safety on and took the gun from my hands, setting it back on the table I got it from. "What's going on with you?"

I parted my lips to answer her, quickly closing them again and turning to glare at giggly Nikki and oblivious Jake as he showed her how to handle a new assault rifle. Feeling sick to my stomach, I faced Amy again and tried hard to paint on a smile that she wasn't buying.

"Why don't you just save his and what's-her-face's time and tell him how you feel?"

I sputtered out a laugh. "Tell him how I—what? You're hilarious. No, I've decided to take a page from Rosa's book. Wait until I'm on my deathbed and then tell him how I feel...or felt. I don't know who I'm gonna like by then. Point is I can't get rejected when I'm dead."

"Y/N, that's ridiculous! You're really going to risk what could be the start of a great relationship? You and Jake talk about everything."

"This is different. There's a very real possibility that telling him how I feel could ruin the whole friendship and I'm just not ready for that, okay?"

She sighed. "Alright, I get it. But at least try to act like you're not imagining that girl's face every time you shoot a weapon." She gave me a quick pat on the shoulder and moved over a bit to work on her own target.

"No promises," I told her as I picked up the gun she took from me earlier.

-

We were now in our training simulation. Sneaky little Amy insisted that she should do perimeter security with Rosa and Charles because she thinks we would "kill at being the assault team, no pun intended". I think it was just her way of saying "tell Jake how you feel".

Luckily Jake was too involved with perfecting Rex Buckingham in all of his signature move and catchphrase glory to give me a chance to bring up any kind of feelings to him. I was especially thankful I had my back to him when he told me some little fact Nikki told him earlier, because I simply couldn't hide my grimace at the mere mention of her name.

We'd just approached the end of the hallway when shots rang out before I could react. I eyed the paint in my hair and on the wall by my head, frozen in place as Jake took the perp down.

"No one shoots a mate when Rex is around," he proudly stated in his accent with a grin, instantly letting it fall when he turned to me. "Hey, are you okay?"

I closed my eyes tightly before opening them and meeting his. "Okay, so I was going to save this for my deathbed someday but apparently I can die randomly in a hallway. So here goes. I like you. I have for a really long time and it sucks being friends with you and not being able to say anything because I don't want to ruin what we already have. But it sucks even more not being able to have more with you and definitely watching you and clingy Nikki together sucked the most."

He looked at me for a second with an unreadable expression, about to respond just as he was cut off by our radios.

"Peralta, L/N. Hostages in room 409, armed suspects."

"We'll talk later," he assured me with a small smile as he took off down the hall, and I couldn't tell if I should be worried or relieved. 

-

The excitement of a perfect run and setting the course record along with the odd situation of Jake using Scully's move kept the squad occupied all the way to Shaw's. I hadn't had a moment alone with him since my big hallway confession and I only grew more anxious with time.

"Three shots of Jack Daniels, please." I kept my eyes on the liquor bottles as I waited for the bartender to come back, aware of Amy coming to sit next to me.

"Celebrating or drowning your problems?" she joked and I simply rolled my eyes at her. "Okay I'm sorry for setting you up like that but I just didn't want to see you struggle so much."

"Well good news for you. I don't think I'll be able to struggle anymore if Jake never talks to me ever again. I've officially scared him off."

"I promise you haven't." I froze in place again as he slid onto the stool on my left. "Hey Santiago, can we get a moment alone?" He waited until Amy disappeared before speaking again. "About what you said earlier—"

"Jake, it's okay. Whether you wanna keep being friends with me or if knowing I like you is too much to handle, it's okay. Really. Whatever you decide, I'll find some way to—"

Warm lips landed on mine and I closed my eyes instantly. I waited until his arms wrapped around my waist and found a place to rest my hands on, wanting to confirm that I wasn't imagining a second of this. My eyes fell open again when he pulled away, a little wider this time because I was still slightly doubting what this means.

"I know that probably wasn't the clearest answer so I'll say this. I'm sorry that I let Nikki ruin what was supposed to be a fun time for us, but I can't say I regret it because she helped me find out something I was too scared to ask you on my own." He smiled and pushed his fingers through my left hand. "I'm also really glad you didn't wait till your deathbed to tell me because I would prefer to start being your boyfriend now."

I pulled my hand away and lightly shoved his shoulder. "Take me on a date first, clingy." I grinned and he laughed, quickly handing over some cash to the bartender and holding up one of the shots.

"To the start of something more."

I tapped my glass to his. "To something more."

"To something more," Charles added, grabbing the third shot and tapping it to ours. He downed the drink and pulled us both into a hug before we could react. "I can't wait to babysit your children."

Jake and I made eye contact and nodded, ducking out of the hug simultaneously and locking hands as we walked off. When we were far enough away, we toasted again and drank, staring at each other with possibilities of the future reflecting in our eyes.

[sad-goomy]

C R U S H for the fanfic asks!

fanfic ask meme

C: What character do you identify with most?

in case it wasn’t abundantly clear from right behind you........Sonia. 100% Sonia. pokemon really gave me a young woman with a hinted at (maybe just projected by me haha) inferiority complex, who is smart but seems so insecure and unsure about it, and just struggling to find a direction in life and uh, that hit different for me!! I love Sonia and they refuse to give me all the backstory and lore I demand so it’s time to make my own

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

I’d consider just about everyone in the Lona fandom an influence, I’m continuously amazed by y’alls talent and love reading fics and thinking “ooh I’d like to incorporate something like that in my next fic” (like that tender piece you shared with us recently? please share that talent with me)

outside of fanfic, I grew up with Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett so I’d love to one day get on that level, and more recently I’ve fallen in love with Anne Carson and Shirley Jackson, their work truly taps into something so emotional that’s so hard to express without being cloying

U: A pairing you might like to write for, but haven’t tried yet.

I haven’t properly written something focused on Plumeria and Guzma and I’ve been meaning to for probably years now at this point, ahhh I would love to find the time and inspiration to write a proper little multichap for them, even something short, just let me spread my guzmeria propaganda

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

answered here!

I’ll also tack on UB hunting with Lona, the pinnacle of that being the legally required soul-baring conversation had after a long day of danger late at night at a motel

H: How would you describe your style?

illiterate but trying

hmmm, character-driven and probably conversational? witty (at least attempted)? at times a little rambling?

[afterspark-podcast]

Transformers (2007): Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

O: And now I'm just imagining him showing up at this little old grandma's house, ripping up the house and being like, “HOW DARE YOU!?!”

[Intro Music]

S: Welcome... to hell!

O: It’s time.  It’s time for the Bay movies guys.

S: [sharp intake of breath] Welcome to our first anniversary special with the 2007 Transformers film!

O: Shall we talk about giant robots? [dissolves into laughter]

S: Yeah.  Let's talk about giant robots, though we may be very unhappy by the end of this.

O: So first, an info dump, for what is most likely a refresher for the majority of you folks but a- the live-action Transformers movie was directed by [deadpan] Michael Bay and uh, starring Shia LaBeouf.

S: The movie did incredibly well at the box office and introduced a lot of people to the franchise and um, these people may have been unaware of it [the Transformers franchise] before or hadn't seen a prior but it was an introduction at least for most.

O: Which is probably the most positive thing that we can say about this movie.  The movie franchise is likely the main reason we got the Transformers Prime TV series and even brought more readers to the first IDW comic run.  Which maybe wasn't super great at the time the movie came out, but got way better! [laughs]

S: Yeah, I mean, IDW also had comics based on the movie, in addition to the main IDW G1-

O: And I haven’t read those yet, but yeah.

S: I don't think we've made our disdain for this movie a secret but just in case, neither of us enjoy this movie.

O: Like, at all.

S: So if you personally like this movie this episode may not be for you.  Um, we're sorry guys.

O: [laughs] We are, actually, because I- I know there are people out there who like it.  We're not those people, but we will be back for a normal G1 schtick later, so uh, please join us then.

S: That isn't to say that there hasn't been excellent fanfiction based off of this.

O: Eh, fanfiction, fanart-

S: Um-hm.

O: Oh my god, there- there was this one I saw the other day where somebody did like, a Transformers Animated of ah, Last Knight Megatron-

S: Oh!

O: -and I was like, “I legitimately like that!  Good job, you!”

S: There’s some excellent fan work based on these movies.

O: Yeah, like, just hands down, but um...  Well, down to brass tacks Specs, what was your first experience with this movie like?

S: Hmm, ah, well let's go back in time, shall we?

O: [makes woo noises]

S: So I didn't see it in theaters.  Ah, my first experience with this movie was getting it for my birthday... yay.

B: [laughter]

O: Yay.

S: I watched it and um, and was like, “Okay... that was a thing.  It exists, um, Bumblebee peed on a guy.” And I watched this with my parents, I'll have you know!

O: And it- it's way funnier when you know her parents, who are extremely Catholic and her mother who is extremely Irish Catholic and imagining them watching this movie with her is hysterical .

S: My mom doesn't like sci-fi to begin with-

O: Yeah, right!  And then, all of this was happening!

S: Yeah, my- my dad probably enjoyed it more because he likes explosions and stuff.

O: [laughs] He's a nice guy but he is- he- he, he's a simple man.  He has simple criteria for the things he enjoys and I can respect that.

S: He actually really likes Terry Pratchett but let’s-

O: Oh, yes.

S: -let's get back to this.  Uh, I don't think I uh, rewatched it for a while because uh, high school was happening and I had better things to be doing.  You know, like reading fanfic or doing homework. Homework was more enjoyable than this.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] So I found the movie mostly just disappointing.  While it did breathe new life into the fandom it seemed like most of the pre-existing fans that I- you know, knew or followed or was aware of, were disappointed by the designs and the story on like- specifically on the forum that I was frequenting at the time.  Other people loved it and I mean, it did create a new influx of fans, so... that's a positive thing.

I was also super annoyed by the lack of Arcee because there was a decent toy of her and I own it.  It's the only Bayverse toy I own, and then they had Arcee and two other characters that shared the same mold show up in the second movie and then die.

O: And- and these were not the same mold as the toy she [Specs] owns.

S:  Yes.

O: To make this even weirder, like, Arcee did have a design apparently [in the first movie].

S: Yes, she was a nice motorcycle.  She had legs in the first- for the first movie toy and then… then she was a unicycle thing-

O: Mm-hmm.

S: -in the second movie and then they all died.  And I don't own any other toys from ah- from the Bayverse franchise, so let's go over to you.

O: Eh-heh-heh-ha!  So, to my memory I first saw this in high school.  I want to say it may have actually been something they showed at school?  [My SO seems to remember the same thing, so this was probably the case. ~O]

And in direct contrast to Specs, I went to public school in a rural area, no one gave a shit, so...  I- I saw the second one in theaters, but I legitimately do not remember where I saw the first one. Uh, for the record, I thought it was fine!  I had zero reference, beyond a foggy memory of Beast Machines- not even Beast Wars guys, Beast Machines.  And hadn't seen G1 at all.  I very vaguely knew who Optimus Prime was and pretty much nobody else.

No, it would take over a decade before this film franchise filled me with seething rage.

S: And you didn't even get into the fandom, when I tried interesting you in it.  You got into it by yourself!

O: [laughs] I know!  She tried! She tried in college! [laughs] Which is why, I was like, “Hey, I want to watch Beast Wars!” It was like, not looking where I was going and walking off a cliff!  [laughs]

S: Pretty much, and then I just threw TV shows at you.

O: She just like, thew DVD’s down the cliff at me! [continues laughing]

S: And comics.

O: Which I mean...I didn’t really mind...but I love that description so much.

S: [laughs]

O: But, uh, all of this aside, I will be saying my media recommendation for the day here, instead of at the end.  I strongly recommend watching Lindsey Ellis’, “The Whole Plate.” Which is a series about film studies through the lens of Transformers.  Not only is excellent breaking these movies down in the context of film, and film theory, but it's informative and done by someone else who clearly loves Transformers.

Pretty sure her favorite is Starscream, but I also think I saw a Wheeljack in the background of one of her videos, but do not quote me on that.  Uh, it is at least partially due to Lindsey I started watching G1. Uh, the other YouTube culprit I'll likely recommend in a different video, heh, but needless to say she certainly didn't hurt.  I'd been watching her, “Whole Plate,” series since 2017 so... over a year before I made that so fateful decision to borrow Beast Wars.

This recommendation also comes caveat: Because I've watched her videos, I know I've been heavily influenced by them and... it is likely I will talk about some of the same points that she's made... while we're going through this movie.  So just, if- eh, this is me so this is me, um, cite--this is me giving you my citation for ah, my work, essentially.

Go watch Lindsey Ellis’ videos, they're fantastic.

S: And I suppose to counterpoint, I haven't seen any of her videos.  So anything that I talk about that ends up accidentally being something that comes up in here is an accident.

O: The only- I think I showed you the- the Megan Fox video.

S: You might have, but at this point it's been so long ago that-

O: [quietly]  That’s true..

S: -that I probably don't remember, or almost certainly don’t.

O: Fair!  Anyway, definitely go- go, uh, watch her, because she's interesting.  I-I feel like there’s- I’ve seen posts that like, seem like at least some people don't like her.  So, I don't know what's going on there and I don't really want to find out. So if it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing and that's fine.    Well! Ready for the movie?

S: Say it isn't so, but yes, yes I am.

O: [laughs] Here we go!

S: [sighs]  We open with some opening narration by Optimus Prime played by Peter Cullen of the da--

O: -of Optimus Prime? [laughs]

S: Well, I was gonna say, “of the days of old.”

O: [laughs louder]  Okay, fair! And I don't- I don’t care if he mostly in a cartoon voice over work, he is too good for this fucking movie!

S: He is.  He gives us the backstory for Cybertron and the Autobot/Decepticon war and I think, you see someone spearing someone else with something in this…

O: It wouldn’t shock me.  Something called the AllSpark is super important and they send it off planet to keep the Decepticons from getting it.

S: The Autobots couldn’t keep track of it either.  They did not think this through.

O: Of course, it landed on an unknown planet, Eii-arth!

S: [snickers] Megatron apparently followed the AllSpark but pulled a Skyfire and got frozen in the Arctic, where he was found by a team of explorers led by Captain Archibald Witwicky.  Doesn't that just sound like a manly man.

O: [laughing]  He is!

S: The part of Skyfire will be played by Megatron in this movie.

O: Make sure to properly chill your Decepticon warlord for at least a couple of decades before serving.

S: Don't you mean a couple thousand years?

O: Shush!

B: [laugh]

S: Meanwhile, Skyfire’s sir not appearing in this picture.

O: Also, don't be fooled by the opening guys!  Sure, Optimus may be talking now but it won't last.  It'll be like, what? An hour before we get any more giant robots talking?

S: Probably.  We cut to the Middle East in the um, ‘present’ day.

O: Well, present day ten years ago anyway.

S: It's soldiers doing transportation stuff on a military base... and a guy wants to eat alligators.

O: Fuck yeah, America- am I right!?!

S: It’s cuisine.  The military partially funded these movies if anybody was unaware this really helps explain their presence in the movie series.

O: That and Bay's HUGE fuckin’ boner for ‘em.

S: The soldiers here are some of the better characters in the movie.  They're funny, they work well off each other, and you know, [gasp] feel like they’re friends.

O: What a concept.  An unknown helicopter lands at the base, transforming into a giant robot and starting to destroy said base.

S: The Decepticons apparently want US military codes or they're trying to find the AllSpark location, or something.

O: I can't help but think of Soundwave was here this would have been done so much more competently.  Even Soundwave- even movie Soundwave is still competent.

S: Oh, probably.  Uh, the Decepticon is Blackout by the way, who- I'm not sure we ever see or hear him talk?

O:  Yeah, like, we might hear him talk in Cybertronian at the very end of the movie like, when it's like, doing the all the Decepticons gettin’ ready.

S: Hmm.

O: Um…

S: Maybe.

O: He never really is a character, um, but I hope you're ready for shaky cam video of this robot and not getting a good look at him!

S: Oh!  Flying tanks, how novel.

O: [laughs] They fail to fight off the Decepticon and a small group of soldiers manages to escape the base, but not without being followed by Scorpinok.

S: Who is released by, um, Blackout cuz apparently he's his pet or something-

O: Something like that.  The only thing you need to remember about this is that the main soldier is Lennox, and he is leading the group.  The other characters have names. I had to look them up.

S: Yeah, they aren’t very big characters, unfortunately.  It would have been more entertaining if-

B: -they were.

S: [sighs] And then suddenly we're at a high school.

O: Following a teenage boy who's gonna try to hawk his great-great-great-something-grandfather’s shit in the middle of class.

S: [sighs] Why is he hawking shit?  Because he wants to seduce the hottie by getting a car, either that, or that is merely a side effect of getting a car that he hopes will happen.

O: Mikaela is way too good for him.

S: She is.

O: He blabs on about how his something-grandfather, Captain Archibald Witwicky was the first man to explore the Arctic.

S: Never mind that there were already people living there.

O: He was the first white idiot to make it up there and not die?

S: Possibly.

O: [laughs]

S: We're introduced to the glasses of plot here.  They're not particularly relevant right now, but they will be later!

O:  Notice those weird etchings on the lenses?  That's- that's a thing!

S: Keep these in mind.  Put a pin in it. But right now, Sam is talking about selling his stuff on eBay.

O: ~ Ladies~ he takes Paypal. [laughs]

S: The bell rings and the rest of the class leaves as Sam talks to his teacher.  Proceeding to be a total freaking dumb ass by guilting his teacher into giving him a better grade than he deserved, because otherwise his dad won't help him buy a car.

O: And remember, this is supposed to be the character we’re identifying with.  Thanks! I hate it.

S: [sighs] You know, and after meeting Sam's dad, his behavior makes a lot more sense.  Clearly he gets dickish behavior from said dad.

O: His dad drives him through a Porsche dealer to make him think he's buying Sam a Porsche, which just kind of seems like a dick move.  They proceed to show up at a used-car lot with, uh, Sam spying a mysterious Camaro, which is Bee in this.

S: Like, Bumblebee was actually following them into the car lot which is kind of funny-

O: Yeah, but- but they didn't really see him until he parked in the car lot.

S: Yeah, I guess uh, they had to make him cooler for the 2000’s.

O: You know, I always liked the little Volkswagon bugs when I was in high school around this timeframe.  I still do, they're adorable!

S: They're cute.  Unfortunately, they're not sexy enough for a teenage boy in the mid-2000s.

O: [sighs] No, but they were sexy enough for a teenage boy in the 80’s.

S: [laughs] Yes, but that was when he knew it was his- it was friend shaped.

O: [laughs] Oh-

S: Bumblebee is-

O: G1 Bumblebee is so friend shaped.

S: He is.  He's friend shaped to everyone except Megatron, really.  Well, all of the Decpti-

O: No, he’s friend shaped to Megatron in the comics too!

S: Oh god, well, are we talking IDW comic or the original?

O: I was talking about the- I was talking about the- the plot in IDW, yeah. [laughs] Mostly I just thought was funny because his design is very, very similar in that toG1-

S: Yeah-

O: And I was like, yeah that’s pretty funny though.

S: Yeah, you're right he was very friend shaped in that.

O: He is friend shaped to everybody.

S: But in the Marvel Comics he's not friend shaped to the Decepticons.

O: Oh no, nobody's friend shaped in the Marvel comic. [laughs]  Are you kidding me?

S: Ah, ah, Bee’s been following this kid around for a while and the car salesman clearly has never seen this damn car in his life, but he's still gonna try and sell it.

O: I-I mean given that it is his car lot, I can’t- I’m not sure I can fault him on this decision really? [laughs]

S: Well, it’s not honest.

O: [laughs] No.

S: And he's like, “I'm honest- whatever.”  I think he has, “honesty,” actually on a sign somewhere.

O: [continues to laugh]

S: I don't know, it's not- it doesn't really matter.  And, um, there's also an ostrich here. Why is there an ostrich!?!

O: I think he has a petting zoo or something, I don’t know.

S: He is down to make that dough.

O: Very.

S: Bee also comes with racing stripes.

O: We all know that makes him go faster, Specs!

S: [snorts]

O: [laughs]

S: Amongst other things, Bee contains a bee air freshener, that says “BEE-OTCH,” a small disco ball, and a weird lion bobblehead, that I thought was a small taxidermied animal at first.

O: [laughs] And we didn’t even see it till our second walk- er, watch through either!  Just to make this more ridiculous!

S: Yeah, it vanishes so I gather Spike didn’t- oh god, not Spike-

O: No, this isn’t Spike, it would probably be better if it was!

S: Yeah.  Sam didn't think it was too hot either.

O: Yeah, but uh, this whole bit, just feels creepy.  Sam's gonna buy Bumblebee, a living, thinking, being, whose intelligence definitely surpasses his own.

S: And let's compare this to Charlie from the Bumblebee movie, who's trying to rebuild a car by herself with no support from her family and then there's Sam.  And I mean, okay, yeah, she does get Bumblebee, basically- basically in a transaction. She does kind of buy him, but when she realizes that he's a person, she treats him like a person.

O: Exactly, and Sam is just this entitled little rich kid living in a nice house and has everything handed to him in Southern California!   I don't know what his parents do, but clearly they make good fucking money!

S: I don't know what they do.

O: Me either!

S: Bee is even parked next to a VW Bug, an old one.  Which he will then proceed to wreck.

O: I feel like this is the start to Michael Bay being like why do you like, “Why do you like that nerdy shit?  Come look at boobs, tits, and nice cars. These are the only things that are really important.” This will be the hill I die on.

S: [sighs] I don’t understand Michael Bay.

O: If you didn’t like this, why did you do it!?!  I know the answer is money.

S: Money is-

O: But you can at least do it enjoyably!

S: Yeah, well, money is the root of a lot of... stuff.  Speaking of, Bee is... very much a dick here. He destroys this guy's entire lot of cars, or at least all their windows.  Because he emits a supersonic noise and you know, busts all the windows in an effort to get Sam to buy him or get the guy to sell him to Sam-

O: For a cheaper price, basically.

S: Yeah.

O: Cutting to the Pentagon, the Secretary of Defense is briefing a team of technicians who will be attempting to decode the Decepticon signal they got from Blackout earlier. (Kind of.)

S: One of them is a very intelligent young woman named Maggie.

O: Who will proceed to be shot like another piece of tits and ass, like all the pretty woman in this movie.  Oh, and if you're not young and pretty in this movie series you're basically just a harpy.

S: [sighs] And after this movie we will never see her again.  Which might imply that she has more longevity than Sam.

O: Smart girl.  At Sam’s house, we’re introduced to his mom, his dog, and some casual sexism.

S: We're not allowed to put girl jewelry on a male dog in this house, are we?

O: Of course not!  What would the men think?  That jewelry is awesome and they're totally allowed to wear it.  Yeah, actually let's do that- that sounds way better.

S: [sighs] But don't worry if you think Mojo [Sam’s dog] is emasculated or something.  Later movies will have him humping absolutely everything.

O: Yeah, because that's what I want to watch in a movie about giant alien robots!

S: Admittedly, these movies aren't particularly about giant alien robots.  They’re-

O: No, they're like- about Sam's love life and explosions [snickers].

S: Or whatever the human lead’s love life.

O: [quietly] True.

S: That's- that’s typically how it runs. [sighs] Back to the army guys again.  They're still attempting to escape Scorponok. Except they don't know that Scorponok’s following them.

O: No, but they're like, trying to get away from the base.

S: They're trying to get somewhere where they can contact help, I think? So they're making their way through the desert, with this young kid that showed up at the very beginning of the movie and was like, “Hi!  You're my friends, I'm bringing you something.” And he escaped with them.

O: Yup.  They decide they need to get their intel back to Pentagon as soon as possible.

S: And in our other movie, Sam's friend is a moron, and Mikaela's boyfriend is a dick, just a beefier dick than Sam.

O: So infuriating, this should be relatable.  I was the weirdo in high school! But no, I still just want to strangle Sam with my bare hands.

S: And- well, honestly, Miles (Sam's friend) isn't really a moron.  He's just acting like an actual teenage boy.

O: [laughs]

S: [huffs] He's climbing trees and entering cars through the window and then in the next scene when we see that, the door is open?  So he like, dived through the door?

O: Continuity.  Continuity is not a thing, Specs.

B: [laugh]

S: [sighs] Sam proceeds to bait Mikaela's jock boyfriend to satisfy his own ego, but just barely manages to avoid a knuckle sandwich.

O: UNFORTUNATELY.  Said boyfriend then proceeds to treat Mikaela like property.

S: He won't even let her ride in the front seat of his truck.  She knows significantly more about trucks than you do, you asshole!  She could probably-

O: Oh, she could run circles around this asshole.

S: Well no, I was thinking she could probably you know, set something up so that his truck killed him.

O: Ah-ha-ha, there we go!  That's the movie- that's the movie Mikaela should have been in.

S: Well, I mean, Megan Fox- she is apparently good in Jennifer's Body.  Sam boots his friend out of Bumblebee so that he can offer... Mikaela a ride home.

O: It’s shitty to strand your friend like this, dude.

S: It's especially shitty, because the car has backseat.

O: And he couldn't shove his friend back there.

S: [quietly] Yeah.

O: Mikaela reluctantly accepts and Bee has decided to become Sam's wingman, apparently.

S: I'm assuming he knows what teenagers do in cars, but really, does he actually understand what teenagers do in cars!?!

O: [while laughing] Um, I'm-I’m not sure to be honest.

S: Well, considering they apparently learned English from the internet.

O: Yeah, you’d think there’d be some porn thrown in there.

S: I’d assume so.  Um, he breaks down causing Mikaela to open his hood and check the engine.

O: And what kills me, is that she's saying relevant things throughout the scene but the way she's shot, she's not treated like a person, she's treated like a-a-an object to be viewed essentially, and it is very frustrating. I know we could assume that it's from Sam's perspective, but boy does this get old.

S: It gets really old.  Sam asks her about why she hangs out with her boyfriend.  Of course, he phrases it like, strongly hinting that she should hang out with him instead.  And Mikaela can totally tell that he's doing that so she's like, “I'm out,” and starts walking off.

O: But Bee suddenly starts working again so Sam's able to convince her to at least let him finish driving her home.

S: She'd have probably had a better time walking home, let's be real.

O: Probably.

S: Except she might have had really uncomfy shoes...

O: Eh, except like, it was sunset, and it was night by the time they got home.  So I have to ask, how far out of town were they?

S: That's a good point.  Um, and then we get Sam saying uh, [sighs] that, “There's more than meets the eye,” about the Mikaela.

O: Why does this just feel like another slap in the face of the original series?

S: Probably because it is, and on to Air Force One.  Frenzy, who's apparently someone's carry on here, because he's a boombox in this and was actually under someone's seat.

O: Or!  You could choose to imagine him walking onto the onto the plane himself.  Just thing about this little radio, who’s got teeny tiny little legs, and walks on the plane.  It's way funnier!  Also, did he steal Soundwave’s alt!?!

S: That is a fun thing, but yeah.  Hello president who is obviously Bush!  Whose face we don't see, but unfortunately we get to see his besoc- besocked feet.

O: He wants a ding dong.

S: [sighs]

O: Betcha do!  Uh, Frenzy attempts to get data from the military database by way of Air Force One, but he’s caught while doing this, and so the Secret Service shoots at him.

S: The Secret Service apparently didn't get the 4-1-1 on what you don't do on a plane.  You don't shoot shit on a plane. You really don't wanna do that. It just leads for a bad time, for everyone, very briefly.

O: [laughing] Yup!  Very short lives!

S: Either that, or they're lucky and they manage to make a safe landing but... you don't want-

O: Do you really- do you really want to risk that?  No.

S: No, you don't want catastrophic decompression on a plane.

O: No you don’t.

S: I mean, who knows, maybe Air Force One is better... built?  Once they uh, basically, they end up taking the plane down, uh, in an emergency landing, because shots fired or whatever.  Then once they bring the plane down, Frenzy is able to sneak off the plane through the a- he goes down like, the doors that the wheels go out and then it's just funny.

O: It is.

S: Yeah, he goes over to Barricade after that.

O: Barricade’s a police car.  He will be more relevant later, but uh- you have any doubts that this little thing was Frenzy, you just need to see that little walk off the plane and you will know.

S: Cuz he- he's got like, his hand up to hide his face.

O: Yeah, like he’s- he’s like, trying to be nonchalant.  Like, after they thought he was trying to kill the president it is delightful.

S: Mm-hmm and Frenzy is smarter than the- the Secret Service on this plane because he had like, shurikens.

O: Yeah!  Once he's in Barricade he pulls up the eBay listings for Sam's Grandpa's glasses and says, “We must find LadiesMan217!”

S: Why did he pick that username?

O: I don't know, but I legitimately find it hilarious every time a Cybertronian has to shout it in this movie.  I know he said it in like, Cybertronian there, it is still great.

S: Oh Sam’s ego, but yeah, it is really funny anytime a robot shouts that.  At Sam's house, Bee apparently has got places to be. So he just, you know, turns on his own ignition and then drives off by himself.

O: This awakens Sam, who then goes chasing after his own car on his bike.

S: And call- he calls the police.  Sam calls the police to report that his car is being stolen.  Going so far as to remind them that his dad is the head of the neighborhood watch.

O: Well, if you needed a another reminder that Sam is a rich white boy, there you go.

S: [sighs] Yeah…

O: Sam finally catches up with Bee, who's standing some distance away beaming the bat signal- I mean the Autobot signal some kind of signal-er, some kind of signal into space.

S: Sam starts recording all of this on his shitty flip phone, and thinking that he's going to die the first words out of his mouth are, “Porn’s not mine, it's Miles’!”

O: Oh yes, that's the last image I'd want to leave my own mother with. Talking about your erections, lovely.

S: Considering one of the conversations that happens later…

O: It may be were relevant than I want to imagine, yeah.  Mm-hmm. Moving on!

S: Yeah.  Sam is then chased by some good doggos, who managed to get free of their uh, basically they weren’t very well contained.

O: Yep.

S: But the poor puppies are denied their midnight snack as Bumblebee bursts in and save[s] him and you don't really see the dogs go away.  They just start aren’t there anymore.

O: [laughs] And despite thinking his car’s alive, he shouts something that they, “Can keep the car!” and chunks his keys at Bee.

S: I don't even know what the building they're in even is, cuz he goes into a building and then suddenly it seems like they're not in a building anymore and it's... what's going on?

O: Yeah… Um, Sam's arrested when the cops show up for making a false 9-1-1 call because his car is obviously right there.

S: Yep, and it's not like there was any evidence of other people around.

O: There weren’t.

S: At the Pentagon with some assholes, including the Secretary of Defense and our- Maggie, our pretty lady analyst.  Maggie proceeds to sneak into a very high up meeting basically to say, “The system is alive!”

O: Which is completely insane in any other context, except this movie, where she is technically right, but it still sounds like a pretty insane context-

S: Yeah.

O: Er, sane- sounds like pretty insane an idea.

S: She kind of gets kicked out... of the meeting.

O: Yeah.

S: But she's right, and she will be vindicated later.  And, um, I hate the color balancing in this movie everything is so orange and blue.  It looks like everyone's skin tone is basically, you know, orange and like, they all have really bad spray tans?  Or at least all the white people do. None of the black people in this movie really have to deal with looking like an orange.

O: They may still have orange light on them, but it's not quite the same way.

S: Yeah, and now it's police time.

O: Where we've made Sam do a pee test, and then they hold up a bottle that says, “Mojo,” on it and they're interrogating him about it.  Mojo, as previously stated... is his dog and it is very likely that the bottle would say, “canine,” on it because that's how it worked when I had to pick up medication for my cat from the pharmacy. [Well, the cat’s was labelled ‘feline,’ but you know what we mean.]  So they're just being assholes.

S: And I mean, that looks like a legit prescription bottle.

O: Yeah.

S: So, I don't think most people keep their illegal drugs in legit prescription bottles.

O: [laughs] Fair, fair.

S: I mean, I have no personal experience but… [sighs]  And back to the Middle East with the soldier boys.

O: Scorponok attempts subtlety, only narrowly missing killing Lennox.

S: He does however succeed in killing the oblivious glasses guy, or maybe he doesn't kill him, maybe just badly injures him?  I don’t know.

O: I’m pretty sure he's dead because we don't see him for the rest of the movie.  If I'm wrong I apologize.

S: Okay, that's a good point.  The soldiers all book it and take shelter in and around these bombed out buildings.  Which is apparently the young boy's village. [sighs] They have brought hell down upon this small village and this will never be addressed.

O: The dad of the kid that's been helping them seems awfully nice, considering they have brought a giant mechanical scorpion to the front door.

S: Yup, that poor man does not deserve any of this shit.

O: Nope!

S: And here's one of the few legitimately funny scenes in this movie.

O: Lennox, has to call the Pentagon.  Which involves Lennox having to go back and forth with the most bored guy in a call center ever, but he also needs a credit card because it's a long-distance call.  A really long distance call.

S: He's able to get that credit card from Epps, one of the soldiers in his squad.

O: And this is all happening, while they're in the middle of a firefight.  So they're having to yell to be heard and stuff. Epps is also shooting at Scorponok, so Lennox has to grab the wallet off of Epps.

S: And so their conversation on how to navigate this is effectively a something like.  “It's in my back pocket!” “Which one!?!” “Left cheek! Left cheek! Left cheek!” All while firing at Scorponok.  And apparently he's like- eh, Lennox is like, “You have like fifteen pockets!”

O: [laughs]  Which I feel like is legitimately funny!  And I just kind of wish I just didn’t have to like, be concerned, is this racism- with the call center guy looking and sounding Indian and I don't know, because that seems like something Michael Bay would do.

S: Yeah… yeah.  Jets and other military things have apparently been quickly scrambled and show up.

O: Including a military drone, just like what Soundwave turns into in Prime, so I was chuckling.

S: Explosions happen, and miraculously they don't appear to hit any civilians, somehow.  And then there's more shooting and more explosions-

O: And I get very bored.

S: And they're able to shoot off a part of Scorponok's tail, while the rest of Scorponok conveniently gets away.

O: They definitely thought this is important.  The music swells, things are happening in slow motion… you should be paying attention to this.

S: Basically, uh, the military guys get rescued and presumably no one does anything to help repair the damage that…

O: They've done to this village.

S: Yeah, we never hear about the young child again.

O: Nope!

S: [sighs] And back in America, Maggie has stolen intel from the Pentagon and uh, shows up on her friend Glen's doorstep.  And she- she hides it in her makeup case.

O: Which is pretty clever.  Also, he's apparently a master hacker!

S: Yup.  He pulls out some bullshit program that basically auh, you know, pulls, “It's alive!” from the Decepticon audio data Maggie brought over.

O: Which is about the point the feds show up with the SWAT team and arrest them both.

S: Yeah.  Bee shows a back up at Sam's house presumably just to fuck with Sam which at this point really does seem like a Bee thing to do in this movie.

O: Yeah… Bee’s kind of a dick.

S: Sam escapes on his mom’s bike.

O: Why does his mom have a bike that looks like it belongs to a five-year-old!?!  I mean, like- look, I'm not saying don't do you, cuz do you, but- but- but… his mom confuses me.

S: Apparently, she's just a very girly girl who... has a basket that needs to have a pillow in it.  Maybe she takes Mojo for bike rides?

O: I would believe that.

S: I could see her doing that considering that she does put jewelry on him.  She makes him a handsome boy.

O: She does.

S: [sighs] Oh god, so now Sam is running away from his own car, like a crazy person and then uh, runs into Mikaela who's out apparently having lunch.

O: A day, yeah.

S: Well, lunch with her friends.

O: Yeah!

S: She has normal friends, and Sam proceeds to look like a crazy person.

O: He thinks his car is chasing him.  The fact that he's right doesn't really play into how this looks right now.

S: Cuz yeah, he's- he's riding a very pink bike that--

O: Saying his car is chasing him.

S: Yeah.  Bee was definitely driving on the sidewalk, and probably on people's lawns for parts of this.

O: It was funny  Mikaela hops on her scooter because clearly she's like, “I guess I go- I guess I better go help this dumbass.”

S: Mikaela was just a very nice, responsible person.  She's- she's kind.

O: Yeah, she’s not the- like yeah, you don't really see her being mean.

S: She-

O: Even to Sam, even when Sam is being kind of a jerk earlier she's never outright mean to him.  She's done, very done, but you never really see her being mean to him with- unless he kind of deserved it like later.

S: Mikaela is a very kind person and unfortunately she doesn't- her character just doesn't get the recognition that she deserves.

O: No, she doesn’t.

S: [sighs]

O: Barricade catches up with Sam.

S: The police slogan on the side of his police car says- or his police car alt mode says. “To punish and enslave”.

O; What about being undercover, dude?

S: Well, be honest most people don't really pay much attention.

O: [quietly] True.

S: He dicks with Sam for a bit before transforming into robot mode and yelling, “Are you LadiesMan217!?!”

O: Really quickly, and it's amazing.  Sam runs away and knocks Mikaela off her scooter.

S: Sam, you dumbass, you could have really fucking hurt her, you jack ass.

O: Pretty much. [singing] ~Here Bee comes to save the dayyyyyy!~

S: Sam proceeds to pull a, “Come with me if you want to live,” to Mikaela, which... At this point, considering that he has now uh, conflated her with himself to the Decepticons probably- is probably true, yeah.

O: Fair.  They have a high-speed chase, somewhere in Southern California.

S: Bee gets them somewhere relatively isolated before dumping the two of them out and transforming to fight with Barricade and... is this still the middle of the day?  I- no this is at night, it’s night now.

O: It keeps kind of swapping, it's weird.  And then Frenzy hop-

S: How long where they… ?

O: I don't know how long this was going on, because it was like- it looked like it was mid-afternoon and they don't get dumped out till night, like the sun has set, night.

S: Like, jeez.

O: I don't know, heh, but Frenzy hops out of Barricade and attacks Sam and Mikaela.

S: [sighs] Sam manages to lose his goddamn pants in this altercation.

O: Of course he does.  Mikaela, being the badass that she is, grabs a fucking power tool and attacks Frenzy with it.  Cutting him into pieces!

S: Mikaela kicks ass, and she would have been a far better protagonist.  My heart weeps that this wasn't actually the reality.

O: Eh, that's okay they kind of did it in the Bumblebee movie.

S: Yeah.  Sam shows his bravery by... bravely kicking Frenzy’s head away.

O: Frenzy, using a second set of legs coming from his head... walks over to Mikaela’s purse, because she dropped it earlier, and then disguises himself as her cellphone.

S: After stabbing her, you know, her real cellphone.  Presumably to get data from it or something?

O: I would assume?  Yeah.

S: Otherwise it's gonna be a very bad disguise.  She opens it and is like, “Where are all my god damn contacts?”

B: [laugh]

O: Yeah, fair.

S: And then there's some crack about Bee being Japanese, once Sam finally gets his actual introduction to his, you know, ‘not a car’.

O: This should be a tongue-in-cheek reference to the original toys being created by the Japanese company Takara, but given Bay’s track record, I really have to wonder.  I know I keep bringing that up, but like, parts of this movie feel very uncomfortable to watch-

S: [quietly] Yeah.

O: -and certain racial stereotyping that he does not only in this movie, but even worse, honestly, in the sequels... just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

S: [quietly] Yeah. [normal volume]  They ride off in Bee, both Sam and Mikaela and not wanting to sit in the driver's seat because Bee is driving and... that wouldn't be polite somehow.

O: I'm not even going to comment on what I'm actually thinking.  Sam tries to pull off a slick move, telling Mikaela she should sit in his lap because there's only one other seat belt.

S: That's bad, if you're in an accident you're both gonna die.  Though, I mean, considering they’re both in a giant alien robot…

O: I mean their driver is a sentient alien robot, who's used to being a car, so hopefully that doesn't happen, right?

S: Mostly I'm just imagining that a giant alien robot car isn't going to have the same sort of, you know, safety tests-

O: Oh, safety precautions!?!  Ha! [laughs]

S: [trying not to laugh] Safety test results that an actual car-

O: [continues laughing]  That’s fair!

S: So who the hell knows how this would work!  Bee takes offense at being called a ‘piece-of-shit Camaro’.

O: Leading to him dumping them out, driving off without a driver, and then driving past a very conveniently placed newer yellow and black Camaro with the exact paint job he wants.  Because Michael Bay cares about very few things in this movie. Tits! And you, yes you! Driving a nice shiny car, because you are a man. A virale, sex having man!

B: [laugh]

O: Or at least that's what he's assuming!

S: Oh, and the way Bumblebee scans this car is kind of ridiculous cuz he’s- he’s up on two wheels driving like half on his side so he’s-

O:  Yeah, like on his side!  So he’s got to scan it with something like, on the bottom of his car mode???

S: Yeah, on his undercarriage and it's weird and silly.

O: And it’s just like, yeah, nobody saw this.  Sure!

S: Like, they're driving in a tunnel, there were definitely other people around, cuz people-

O: There definitely were!

S: Cuz people honked at them, people honked at them when Bumblebee dropped them off.  But yeah, let's go. Bee picks them up and they're like, “Oh wow, you could have done this anytime?” and then Bee precedes to take them trespassing so they can meet new people.

O: Where even are they?

S: I don’t know!  I don't think anyone knows.

O; Valid point.

S: Who knows, maybe they're in Oregon now.

O: [laughs] Yes!  They drove north. Very far north!

S: They could have if they were driving all day, I don’t know!  Either that or they were going around goddamn circles.

O: I'm willing to bet that actually.

S: And finally we're going to get more robots as um, meteorites rain down.  These robots being our Autobots.

O: Who will still not improve this movie enough to matter.

S: Which is so depressing.

O: It really is!

S: Mikaela and Sam hold hands because as uh, movie logic dictates- if you have a man and a woman who spend more than a few minutes uh, with one another they will be in love by the end of it.

O: Who cares!  The Autobots seriously fuck some shit up when they land on Earth!

S: Oh they do.  And not a single fuck was given, because they seriously have no idea what the fuck's going on.

O: A bunch of people are running around at several of the crash si- sites recording things too.

S: Um-hmm.  Recording stuff, and probably putting it on YouTube-

O: I would assume.

S: -or whatever in-universe equivalent of YouTube.

O: I think it's just YouTube, based on a sequel, but don't quote me on that.

S: Who knows, we even see Ratchet’s weird ambulance mode in the background of some of these shots.  So we can see where and when he scanned it.

O: Apparently, according to the TF Wiki, this is supposed to be a Hummer H2 rescue vehicle.  So not even technically an ambulance.

S: And then we see Jazz at a Cadillac dealership.

O: Isn’t he supposed to be a Porsche?

S: Yep.

O:  I mean, [sighs] why start being accurate with alts now, right?

S: Well, I'm going to assume that Cadillac paid for this product placement.

O: [laughs] Yeah…

S: Whereas, Porsche probably didn't give a shit.

O: And Porsche was already in there so they did pay money, but the Cadillacs probably paid more.

S: Probably, I don’t know. He's- yeah, he's not even a Cadillac.  Jazz is a Pontiac Solstice, so why are we even had a Cadillac dealership?

O: Money.  Ironhide however, is a huge fucking truck now.

S: A GMC Topkick.  He also apparently, uh- a little girl mistakes him for the tooth fairy.

O: It’s pretty cute actually. I gotta give them that.

S: Yep. Optimus lands on scams a conveniently placed semi.

O: [It] kills me that they copy the paint jobs.  I think I’d prefer if the paint jobs were something that were like, inherent to them, to their biology.  But no! There's another truck out there with blue paint and orange and red flames on the side, are you shitting me?

S: I mean…

O: Or on the front.

S: [snickers]  It's likelier than you think.  Does this mean that there is another cop car out there with, “Punish and enslave,” on the side, or it- was this some civilian’s idea of a cop cosplay?

O: [sighs] Well, we do see little details change like the Autobot signals [symbols] on Ratchet’s paint job.  So maybe that was a small enough detail to be changed. The only reason we even know the semi-truck’s paint job is because we saw a drive by.

S: Yeah. Uh, the Autobots show up in an alley where they meet up with uh, Bee, Sam, and Mikaela.

O: Optimus transforms, he's a Kenworth W900 truck in the live-action series.  Which looks somewhat different from his design from the cartoon which was based on a Freightliner WFT-8664T.

S: To make this more confusing they used an entirely different [truck] model while filming, but we're going with uh, Hasbro’s official answer here.

O: Namely, the Freightliner was a cab over truck and the Kenworth isn't.  It's a more traditional semi that you see stateside anyway.

S: He introduces the rest of the bots and their robot modes are also terrible.

O: Jazz apparently learned to speak from the Internets and knows the lingo.

S: Well, presumably they all did.  I think Jazz is the one who actually paid attention.

O: Yeah.

S: Ironhide, our weapons expert.

O: “I blow shit up!”

S: And [uneasy laugh] welcome to one of our least favorite lines ever and it's Ratchet’s introduction no less.

O: And I quote, “The boy’s pheromone levels suggest he wants to mate with the female.”

S: [quietly] Oh god.  Ugh...

O: I'd like to remind you all that Ratchet is uh, Specs’ favorite G1 character.  So this is particularly ughhh. [laughs] I’m so sorry.  Not like my faves really go- are handled any better to be fair, except maybe Soundwave.

S: We've also got to make it clear that he can't fix Bee.  So Ratchet zaps him with something or whatever.

O: They just need Powerglide to fix him, obviously!  With his magical ray of healing.

S: Yeah that'd probably do the trick.  Optimus puts on a laser light show to explain the plot to Sam.  And I mean, the laser light show was cool but... this seems like a really weird-

O: Weird place to do it?  But uh, he's Optimus Fucking Prime, he does what he wants.

S: This is all funnier to listen to once you realize just how young the Bayverse versions of Transformers are compared to their counterparts in any other continuity.  Optimus is like 10,000 years old, tops? Compared to the G1 versions, where everyone's like, millions of years old.

O: I would love to see G1 Megs’ reaction to us.  “You're how old!?! Sparklings! Why are sparklings in charge!?!”

S: Why are babies fighting?  Oh my god it's the baby war.

O: [singing to the tune of Muppet Babies] ~Robot babies!~ [laughs]

S: Oh god, the fact that there are actually, at least, a few crossovers that's basically Transformers babies.  Where they basically took a concept of Muppet Babies and did it with Transformers.

O: Oh lord, oh lord. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

S: Cause it’s- yeah, Megatron is Meggy.

O: [sighs]

S: I read those-

O: No.

S: -way back-

O: No.  I refuse to believe those exists.

S: [starts laughing]

O: I live in a world where those don’t exist because I haven’t seen them yet, and I don’t have object permanence!

B: [laugh]

S: Unfortunately, I can introduce you to things that will make you regret this fandom.

O: You would!  YOU WOULD! [laughs]

S: I’ve in this fandom since like, 2002!

O: You’re like, “Bitch, I been in this fandom for decades!”

S: Well, definitely more than decade at this point.  It will be two decades of-um, in like three years.

O: [laughs]

S: Optimus continues to explain that Megatron basically destroyed Cybertron.

O: Oh sure, blame Megatron for this.  Nevermind what we learn about Sentinel Prime later.

S: And in any case it takes two to tango, so…

O: Uh-huh.

S: It may not have been good if they've just rolled over and let Megatron do whatever the hell he wanted but…

O I don't really trust this Optimus either, soooo, you know.

S: Yeah.  It’s a war, both sides are going to do... a lot of shit.

O: Yup.

S: We get a bit better look at Megatron's design in the flashback, as Optimus continues to explain.

O: Thanks!  I hate it.

S: Megatron here just looks like a bipedal bag of knives.

O: And that sounds like the world's worst cryptid!

S: Optimus tell Sam um, that he may be Earth's only hope.

O: Help me Whitwicky, you're my only hope!

S: What a depressing hope.

O: Definitely!  So now it's time for the plot glasses, which apparently were imprinted with the coordinates for the AllSpark when Sam's great granddad whatever found Megatron.

S: I don't understand the mechanism that did this.

O: I don't either, just roll with it.

S: [sighs]

O: The movie is.

S: [groans] You know, the Decepticons could have literally just bid on the fucking auction for the glasses.

O: And I refuse to believe that, that is not exactly what Soundwave would have done if he was here, because that is the perfectly reasonable plan.

S: Or you know, literally just sending Frenzy to infiltrate his house.  Anything would have been better than what actually happened.

O: Pretty much.  But eBay!

S: That would have- it would have been way funnier if Soundwave had done the, you know, bidding on eBay robot- the robot war is literally a bidding war.

O: Yeah, and less things would have blown up. Michael Bay would have died from lack of explosions, but I- I think that's the price I'm willing to pay.

S: [sighs] Maggie and Glen get brought to the uh, Pentagon... maybe?  They're in some sort of holding cell waiting for interrogation.

O: Yeah... I get- I- I think it's the Pentagon, I'm not actually sure.

S: And then Glen proceeds to eat all the doughnuts that were left in um, left there.  And they're delicious, delicious looking doughnuts.

O: [Homer Simpson intonenation] Emmm, doughnut.   And now driving through a quiet suburban neighborhood, late at night- all of the Autobots!

S:  [sighs] Sam tries to convince the Autobots to stay outside and stay quiet, while he goes inside and tries to find the glasses.  And he's actually um, reasonably polite and respectful about this, considering the situation.

O: Eh... but the Autobots are super impatient.

S: [sighs] And Sam’s dad continues to be an asshole.  Basically moaning about how he spent all his money on a car for Sam, and now Sam gets home late and he had to do all of Sam's chores.  Like the KIND person that he is.

O: So instead of you know, just doing something nice for your kid you're going to just- stand out here, at the screen door, having a dick-measuring contest with your teenage fucking son.  Granted it is pretty fucking hysterical that Optimus and the rest are sneaking around the yard while Sam is desperately trying to be like, “No dad, I got this, you don't need to come out here, it’s fine!”

S: [sharp intake of breath] God, if Sam's dad had actually gone outside.

O: [laughs]

S: How the hell would that have worked?  I mean if he'd had booze or something or he had-  he has like-

O: He just looks at the wine glass and walks back inside.

S: [sharp intake of breath] “I've had too much to drink, I'm going to bed.”

O: [laughs]

S: Cuz all of the Autobot stuff is in the background.

O: Of course, they're stepping on things, knocking things over, the whole works.

S: Why didn't they just stay in car mode?

O: It’s a valid question.  I really don't think Optimus would be this much of an idiot and it makes the Autobots all look like assholes who aren't listening to the person who's trying to help them, and what he's asking them to do.

S: And then to make it worse, Ironhide pulls out his gun and aims it at Sam's dog.

O: Which is what, the equivalent are pulling at a freaking pistol cuz a bug landed on you?  What the hell, man!?!

S: Though Ironhide saying, “Bad mojo!” after Sam prompts him is pretty funny.  And the reason why he pulls out the uh, the big guns is because Sam's dog... pees on him.

O: Yep!  But seriously, this is the dumbest plan guys.

S: Yeah, the Autobots have been waiting all this time and apparently they can't sit still for five minutes, because they're all like, giant toddlers.

O:  [singing to the tune of Muppet Babies] ~Robot babies!~ [laughs]

S: [sighs] Transformers babies.  I- I am seriously debating finding that and throwing it at you.

O: You're just- you just want to hurt me.

S: I showed you good stuff!

O: Anyway, Optimus lifts Mikaela up into Sam's room and they both began rummaging around his room to find the glasses.

S: Sam shoos Mikaela away from a certain area in his room and um-

O: That's his porn, that's his porn stash.

S: [sighs] So I guess that's what he was referring to earlier.

O: Probably.

S: And now all of the Autobots are in car mode, in the backyard.  Except they've already done a shitload of damage.

O: Um-hm.

S: Except apparently Ratchet... isn't in car mode.  Cuz he uh-

O: Or he transforms from car mode?

S: Yeah cuz he, uh... he walks into a transformer, a power transformer.

O: Ugh, I'm just not fond of the VA they picked for him here.  I know Prime wasn't out yet, but that guy, we need that guy [Jeffrey Combs] here.  I love [that] Ratchet’s voice.

S: So when Ratchet walked into the power transformer, he knocked out the power.  He fell down I was like, “Oh! That was a kick, that was fun.”

O: [laughs]

Because apparently getting shocked for Transformers feels all tingly and fun.

O: [laughs] I mean…

S: Uh, and so- so at this point, the power is out, Sam's parents think that there's an earthquake cuz Ratchet fell down and made you know, shit happen and then they duck under- well, Sam's dad ducks under a table.  His mom is just like, “How did you get over there so fast?”

O: [laughs] I do enjoy that they're like, “Bring the wine!”  Cuz if they're gonna die, they're gonna die happy.

S: They’re all a little slooshed up at this point.

O: They- they are. [laughs]

S: And then Sam's parents uh, head upstairs to check on Sam and bang on his door.

O: And we present to you, the most awkward conversation ever captured in cinema!

S: Sam's parents are like, “Hey, uh, why was your door locked?  There aren’t- no doors are locked in this house,” and uh, decide to assume uh, masturbation was what was going on.

O: I did not need. [Clears throat] I did not need, or want to hear his mom call it, ”Sam’s special alone time”!  Just no. All the no. NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!

S: Ironhide asks Optimus if you can shoot them.

O: PLEASE!!!  [dissolves into laughter]  Optimus is like, “No, what's wrong with you!?!”

S: Yeah, and then all of the Autobots are trying to avoid being seen.  So, it's like they're attempting to do a Jenga with the house and they're all scrunched up- around and under Sam's window listening in and it's actually a pretty neat shot.

O: It's pretty funny.  Mercifully, Mikaela saves us from this insanity by stepping out and introducing herself.  So yeah, I think they're just gonna assume they were doing the horizontal mambo, if you know what I mean!

S: His parents apologize that she may have heard their ‘family discussion’.

O: Oh, is that what you're calling talking about your son’s WANKING OFF HABITS!?!

S: [sighs] Your son’s sex life, or lack thereof.

O: Why did you do this to me movie!?!

S: And this is where the federal agents come in.

O: OH THANK GOD!  And we have our main asshole FBI guy- oh sorry, I mean Sector Seven guy, Agent Simmons, JOY.

S: Sam's parents take issue with all of this.  Particularly his mom, who's mad that they're messing up their plants. Oh, and at some point, the father looked outside and was like, “Ah!  The earthquake destroyed all my shit!”

O: [laughs] Cuz he thinks the earthquake did it.

S: And at this point I think Sam's mom's gonna be really unhappy when she realizes just how much damage the Autobots did…

O: Yeah, Optimus stepped on her flowerbed.

S: Yeah.  And then the Sector Seven people want to take Sam away.

O: Personally, I think they can just, you know, have him!  Can we follow Mikaela for the rest of the movie instead, please?

S: Unfortunately, Mikaela gets brought along too.

O: Sam, his parents, and Mikaela are shoved into some cars by the Sector Seven guys.

S: Oh, and the reason that the uh, the Sector Seven people know to take Sam is that they have some sort of uh, thing that reads radiation and Simmons-

O: And he dropped his cell phone, or the cops still had it, so they [Sector Seven] now have his cell phone.

S: That's true.

O: And his recording of Bee, and him talking.

S: Yeah.

O: And him saying his car is alive.

S: Yeah, but they also have a thing that like, reads the radiation.  So Sam and Mikaela unfortunately, are now probably irradiated... somehow.  Which may or may not give them a very good life expectancy. And oh, Sam's terrible eBay user name gets mentioned again.

O: And you totally see Mikaela roll her eyes at it too.

S: Oh yeah, and they apparently have Sam's phone as you mentioned.  Which is how they tracked him down, and when asked about his ‘stolen’ car Sam says, “It came back.”

O: Right!  Doesn’t your car come back when it's stolen, Specs?

S: No, it's not a boomerang.  Though I suppose if a thief stole it [and] they decided it was super shitty they’d return it because-

O: I feel like they wouldn't even return it.

S: Or it just turns up again, like a block away.

O: I would be more willing to believe that.

S: I think I've seen stuff about that happening, but I don’t know.  Agent Simmons decides to lord his authority over them by uh, showing his badge and declaring it a, “I can do whatever I want and get away with it,” badge.

O: More like an asshole badge!

S: He also starts uh, to threaten Mikaela's dad.

O: Because as previously stated, he is a fucking asshole.  It's not even like Mikaela's got much to do with any of this to begin with.

S: People with power are just assholes-

O: Pretty much.

S: -a lot of the time.  And of course, it's um, prime time to bring up Mikaela's criminal record, because fuck you Simmons.

O: And Sam has the nerve to be horrified when finding out about this.

S: Sam you jackass.  You privileged, rich, white boy.

O: Yup.

S: And then the car is picked up and the- the uh, roof is ripped off by Optimus, once they’re in a suitably isolated area.

O: Optimus then kneels down, has an entire conversation with agent Simmons and Co.

S: He gets mad and tells them to get out of the car.

O: What’s left of it you mean?

S: I mean, it probably runs, maybe?

O: [laughs] He took off- like, the entire top half of it off!

S: Yes, but that- that's a not the part that keeps it from running.

O: And dropped it quite a ways.

S: Yeah... that's true, I don't know.  Mikaela finally tells Sam off for shitty comments about her criminal record earlier by asking him, “When have you ever had to give up anything in your perfect little life?”  Mikaela has a criminal record because she wouldn't rat out her dad.

O: Yeah, which- and depending on how old she is this should not have really even been legal to begin with.

S: Yeah.

O: Like, this like, I’m- I'm assuming this happened sometime between when she was 8 and 12 and it means that somebody chose to basically to prosecute her at a higher age bracket.  [My logic for this is that there’s a comment about him not always having been able to afford a babysitter for her so I assume she wouldn’t have been old enough to stay home by herself, but take that with a grain of salt.  ~O]

S: Yeah.

O: Which is shitty.  But, that statement, that line, is the most accurate description of Sam.  Here is a person who comes from privilege, he stumbles upon events that bestow him even more privilege and he acts entitled- so, so very entitled, during it all.

S: Yup, and then we get the part where Bumblebee pees on Agent Simmons.

O: [sighs]

S: [sighs]  It’s just like, whyyyyy?

O: Does this mean he's low on those fluids now?  Is Ratchet gonna have to top him off later? And why is that there?  I mean why does it exist at all sure, but specifically, why is it where a dick would be on a person!?!

S: Yeah, why is it framed like that?  From the perspective of the person being peed on?

O: [sighs] I don't know, but now that his friends are here Sam is going to be as douchey as possible because he orders Simmons to remove his pants.

S: And according to his under clothes or at least his undershirt, Sector Seven sells or has branded clothing items available for their agents.

O: The Autobots leave but, oh no!  They [the agents] were on the phone the whole time.

S: [sighs] Meaning, backup arrives shortly thereafter and the Autobots proceed to hide under a bridge.  Optimus carrying Mikaela and Sam in his arms.

O: Just putting this out there, but I too would like to be carried in Optimus’ big, strong arms.

S: Carried in his gentle, strong hands.  Though I mean, preferably G1 Optimus, or one of the other Optimuses.

O: Yeah, yeah, just not this Optimus.  I want the Optimus from Prime, he seems like a very calm, kind guy to give me a ride on her shoulders, that sounds nice.

S: I'll take G1 Optimus, he's a- he's very dad shaped.

O: He is the most dad shaped.

S: I'd also accept Animated Optimus.

O: Yeah... yeah, he seems nice.

S: Maybe Cyberverse, well I don't know.

O: He seems like, unsure dad shaped, and I can deal with that.

S: Yeah, and I'll leave out all the other Optimi.  Though maybe Optimus Primal might be good for a hug.

O: He would be great for a hug.  Unfortunately, they're not that much bigger than people so it would not be the same kind of ride in his big, strong arms.

S: [laughs] He’s more-

O: It still sounds nice but-

S: -more of a piggyback ride.

O: Yeah.

S: And to get away from our uh, hugging and carrying uh, discourse- there's just so many explosions happening right now.

O: Sure, don't worry about those roads or infrastructure, this is fine.

S: Oh no, Sam and Mikaela almost fell, but don't worry Optimus has slowed their descent with [laughs] his nice soft foot.

O: I guess that this is the one thing they kept from G1, huh?

S: Yeah.

O: [laugh]

S: And apparently Cybertronians are weak to ice and electricity now.  Except... didn't Ratchet think that the power-

O: Think that the electricity was nice?  I don't know, but Bumblebee gets the crap beaten out of him by the Sector Seven guys.

S: Oh my god, maybe Ratchet’s… [starts laughing]

O: Nope, nope, I think I know what went through your head and we’re not going there.  It was disturbing when Bee got hurt, okay!?!

S: [continued laughter with increasing volume]

O: [laughs] I mean I’m sure Drift would be into it, but that’s not the point!

S: [sustained laughter continues]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image with Starscream and Megatron getting caught up in an explosion, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: [high pitched laughter continues]

[The laughter is cut off, and the same technical difficulties message and elevator music from before returns.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: I am under control again. [laughs]

O: ANYWAY, Bumblebee gets the crap beat out of him by the Sector Seven guys, it's more than a little disturbing.

S: Keep in mind that before this we really only had uh, G1 and Beast Wars as like, the main well-known Transformers things.  I mean maybe Beast Machines?

O: Eh, Beast Wars, Beast Machines, I end to count them together, since they're in the same continuity even though they're different series, but- but I know what you mean, sorry.

S: Yeah, it's just those ones would have been the ones that most people- that would have stuck out in like, the main- I don’t know, cultural hive mind, probably.  Cuz I don't think like, any of the animes would have made that much of a dent.

O: Yeah.

S: So uh, hopefully you enjoy watching your fav get tortured by the US government.

O: And the way this is framed, because Bee doesn't have a working voice box, really comes across that they're like, taking something from Sam.  Not that Sam is worried about his friend! Bee is just treated like property, by both the plot and the framing. And this is in such a stark contrast to the Bumblebee movie.  Where even though he couldn't talk, even though he was a CG character, he still felt like an actual character.

S: Yeah, in the Bumblebee movie, Bumblebee actually had an emotional arc.  When Charlie first sees him, she treats him like a person that needs care and kindness.  He- he still couldn't talk- like, he was immediately showing recognizable and understandable emotions.

O: And body language.

S: Mm-hmm, and then there's Bumblebee in this one where he can't talk, but he's just an asshole and he's gonna pee on things.

O: And you're my new best friend, and I'm gonna keep you safe, you know- just like a fucking guard dog.

S: [sighs]

O: Bee, story wise in relation to Sam, is treated more like a pet, and it is weird.

S: Yeah.  Simmons catches up with the two of them and Bee, continuing to be an asshole and taking another pot shot at Mikaela as they're being taken away.

O: And they're just going to ignore the other Autobots in the distance apparently.

S: Yep, they're still hiding under the bridge.  They're all tucked away under that bridge, which is apparently uh, enough to keep them from being spotted by helicopters.  Oh, and apparently the um- while the Autobots couldn't be bothered about the flower beds before, Optimus can see and gently pick up the plot glasses that Sam uh, well basically Sam lost them when they fell and Optimus caught them with his soft foot.

O: Yes.  And then army talk, army talk, army talk, boy let me tell ya... just how much I do not care.

S: And then the Secretary of Defense was apparently unaware of Sector Seven’s existence until now because he didn't need to know about them.

O: You know, copying Independence Day only with him instead of the president.

S: [sighs] Sector Seven is a special access division of the government created by President Hoover.  Hm...

O: And at Nellis Air Force Base, Lennox and his team are intercepted before they can head home.  Basically they're voluntold they're gonna help with this alien robot crisis.

S: Yup.  And the Secretary of Defense's meeting with the Sector Seven guys and intends to bring Maggie with them.

O: This whole scene feels very much like, “Yes, and…”  The Secretary of Defense wants Maggie to be his adviser, but when Glen asks if he is coming too and the Secretary of Defense asks, “Who is this?” Maggie just responds “He's my advisor,” and he [the Secretary of Defense] just goes with it, brings Glen along too.

S: Glen's getting the ride of a lifetime.

O: Yup!

S: I guess.

O: And finally, we get some of our separate plot threads to come together as Sam, Mikaela, Maggie, Glen, and the Secretary of Defense are now loaded up in the same helicopter and head to the Hoover Dam.

S: Weren't Maggie and the Secretary of Defense and Glen in goddamn Washington DC?

O: Yes.  Yeah.

S: Kill me now.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] Poor Mikaela, she just looks so tired and done with everything.

O: You just know she hasn't slept all night.

S: Honestly they probably got shoved in a holding cell, so no.

O: Yeah, and then shoved on a helicopter.

S: Yeah, here's some more Bumblebee tortured before cutting back to the Autobots talking about how they must go on and they can sense that the AllSpark is near.

O: With what?  Your bullshit radar!?!

S: Maybe they can sense it with their pheromone detectors.

O: Ratchet, what can your robot eye-

S: [laughs]

O: Ratchet what can your robot nose smell?  Frenzy is tiny, and up to shenanigans.

S: It's time to break into the Hoover Dam!

O: So just getting back to this, because the movie really, really wants to bring this home, Sam can't possibly go out with someone with a juvie record.  He wouldn't you know, want a date below his class, or marry below his class, or god forbid fuck below his class, right?

S: Sam you asshole.

O: Yup!

S: And boom, we have a Megatron.

O: Thanks, I hate it.

S: Still frozen, and presumably unconscious and offline.

O: Sector Seven’s been keeping him on ice for a while apparently.

S: Yeah, and apparently a good chunk of modern technological advancements since the thirties has been due to humans studying Megatron.  Oh god, now I'm just thinking about mechanical television. Did mechanical television come from Megatron?

O: Sure.  Sure. Why not, why not?  “Yes, and.”

S: Simmons continues to antagonize the group.  Who...who isn't a jackass in this group?

O: [sighs] Like, look, I don't like Sam but maybe Simmons, as the fucking adult needs to get his dick out of his hands and stop getting into Sam's personal space.  It's creepy!

S: Honestly, a lot of the adult men in this movie are just creepy.

O: Yeah.

S: I mean, Lennox and Epps and the soldiers-

O: Aren’t-

S: - don’t seem to be creepy but...

O: Yeah.

S: Most of them, most of them-

O: Yeah, like his dad is shitty like... well- I guess Glen and the Secretary of Defense aren't bad?

S: Yeah, but they don't get a whole lot of screen time and also one of them's over 60.

O: That’s also true.  Anyway, it is explained that the AllSpark was hidden and that they built the Hoover Dam around it.

S: How did the Native Americans in the area not know about it?

O: Maybe it was underwater?  If it was visible they absolutely would have but I wouldn't put it past the Army or Sector Seven, or whoever, to conveniently ignore that fact.

S: But, um, would have been a river before the dam was put in and-

O: Obviously, Specs, you’re forgetting how deep rivers are.

S: The fact that you actually spent time looking to attempt to look this up-

O: I tried, and I could not find a straight answer! [laughs]

S: Well, it’s not exactly like they were going around do river measuring in that time period is it?

O: No... I’m still sad I couldn't find a straight answer though.

S: And I mean, who knows, maybe they accidentally made it a huge afterward.

O: I- I do think that would legitimately be funny, is like, some scientist poked it the wrong way and now it's like, “Oops, it just takes up the entire hanger now, sorry guys.”

S: [laughs] It’s like, “Oh shit.  Oh shit, I'm glad it didn't crush me.”

O: Yeah.

S: [sigh] The AllSpark just has random powers.

O: Frenzy now has a body again.

S: Yeah, Frenzy, uh- Frenzy was taken along this entire time in Mikaela's bag, I think?

O: Yeah, pretty much.  Like, he got out of her bag and sort of crawled into Hoover- the Hoover Dam.

S: Yeah, and he's able to signal the rest of the Decepticons with the Megatron's location and then we get to see them finally begin to mobilize.

O: And now, an hour and 40 minutes into this movie, we have a Starscream.  There is no power on heaven or Earth that can make me believe that that is his holoform.  Mark my words, I don't care if IDW never gave him the holoform, but his holoform form would be female, and no one can stop me.

S: [sighs] And then more on the AllSpark’s plethora of abilities, apparently they can use it to turn random electronics into Transformers.  Which... the Autobots would probably consider kind of horrifying, because these are babies and now the babies are dead.

O: Yep.

S: Simmons proceeds to demo this for us by taking Glen's cell phone and zapping it's to life.

O: I will forever be confused for this, why does it seem like the AllSpark always makes stuff that's evil?

S: I mean it's a baby.

O: I know, but it has red optics, I feel like we have to assume it's a Decepticon.

S: Maybe the Decepticons are the last people who had it if they'd programmed it for red optics-

O: [laughs] So you’re telling me it’s stuck on the make evil setting?  Got it.

S: It’s possible!  I don't know how this works, and it’s not like we're gonna get a demonstration of it later, considering what happens.

O: Yeah, yeah…

S: And Simmons proceeds to kill this little phone Transformer by basically electrocuting the shit out of it.

O: We create life, then we kill it, but we're the good guys remember!  And now, finally, Dorito-scream has been achieved!

S: It's just so triangular.

O: I don't know why Starscream looks like a giant flying Dorito in this-

S: It might-

O: -but I find it hilarious.

S: It might be his color scheme… partially.

O: He doesn’t really have a color scheme.

S: Yes, but-

O: It’s just he’s so triangular!

S: Yes, but he's also kind of beige.

O: Eh, you’re right, that doesn’t really help things.  Uh, Frenzy manages to take out the power for Sector Seven’s facilities.

S: How does a dam lose power considering in generates power?

O: I don’t know, Specs.

S: Sorry, I mean, I guess it's possible that he could, like basically prevent water from going through the dam by freezing something, but…

O: I think he actually just started destroying the mechanical stuff, so like the generators and stuff.  It's now time to defrost our Decepticon warlord on high.

S: Frenzy is getting busy in the control room again- again blowing all of the shit up, and then all of the scientists in the main bay when Megatron is being held seem like, super unfazed by the deep thaw that's starting.

O: You guys need to run.  I have zero doubts that Megatron won't kill you out of sheer spite.

S: Yup.  Did you know that there was a whole armoury of bullshit under the Hoover Dam?  Because of all- the soldiers are like, “Pass the guns! Give me that buffet of guns and ammo!”

O: And Lennox is kind of done with Simmons, because uh, yeah uh, violence is uh, implied. I'm so glad that this movie is all violence, no character development, or emotions, or feelings  We don't have feeling Specs, because we are sex having heterosexual men! Hetero men who have sex with women, never mind that G1 is one of the least straight things I've ever seen in my life!

S: To be fair to the soldiers they did not sign up for this bullshit, and then they got dragged into and all they wanted to do was go home.

O: And-and look, I would be pretty upset about being shoved into the same room as Agent Simmons.  So yeah, I can't blame them too much.

S: Yeah.

O: They go to retrieve Bumblebee.

S: And Sam's like, “Stop electrocuting my car!”  Not even, “Stop electrocuting that guy.” “Stop electrocuting my car.”

O: Of course!  And Bumblebee just gives a him a look like, “Dude, I have had the shittiest day.”

S: Yup, and poor dude is like, super jumpy and paranoid but I mean who wouldn't- who wouldn't be?

O: I- yeah, I mean considering he was tortured all night- he's got ever right!  I still legitimately don't know what catching Bee accomplished!

S: I don't think it accomplished shit except getting him to this location, which I guess was the plot contrivance.  And now we've got the magical size changing cube.  As Bumblebee touches the AllSpark and like, pokes it a bit and then suddenly it is like hand-sized, for him.

O: Even their spark of life can mass shift apparently.

S: Oh god. [snickers] It's from a planet of shapeshifters.  Apparently mass shifting is just what this stupid thing does.

O: Apparently.

S: Everybody can just understand Bee now, this is fine.  And, oh, Bee’s been talking in like, radio and music references this entire time, and I don't think we ever mentioned that.

O: [laughs] You're right I don't think we did.  He isn't talking normally, he's using recordings.

S: He talks TV, basically.

O: Pretty much. Well, asshole’s up!  “This is not where I fell asleep, I'll have you know!”

S: He’s a lot less uh, he's a lot less of a morning person than Skyfire was.

O: [laughs]

S: Skyfire was much more genteel about the entire thing.

O: [laughs]

S: Megatron's a jet in this, so we’re- you know just so we're all on the same page here.  He meets up with his second-in-command Dorito-san.

O: [laughing] Dorito-san!?!

S: [laughing] Sorry... He meets up with his second-in-command, you know, the Dorito.

B: [laugh]

O: There's some groveling that happens.  Megatron tells Starscream he's disappointed in him and all I can think is- he didn't even do anything yet!

S: Apparently he couldn't find Megatron, which I guess is what he's disappointed in.

O: I guess?  “Do you realize I had to listen to... Francois talk about his- his terrible wife for three weeks, do you realize that [Starscream]!?!”

S: Simmons, the Secretary of Defense, Maggie, and Glen uh, remain behind when everyone else heads out to go to... stuff.  So while everyone else is going and doing stuff the- [sighs] the dam crew, that's what I'm going to call them.

O: [laughs] Okay, okay, I’m here for this.

S: They attempt to contact the Air Force, to try and get some you know, backup for Bee and company.

O: They do this by using some very antiquated equipment, because the Cons have knocked out most communication worldwide.

S: Which is not explored in this movie, let alone any others.

O: Yeah, because this would be like a thing that should affect everybody.

S: Yes, there goes-

O: Or at least everybody in the in the US.

S: Yeah, frankly I'm kind of- well, no, apparently landlines don't work and I don't understand why.

O: I don't either.

S: But yeah, cuz this- this would have wiped out... literally every communication except apparently shortwave radio.  But apparently, yeah, shortwave radio will still work. Which is what they're attempting to use here. They get the brilliant idea to hotwire a computer to transmit a tone through a radio signal, while they're trying to hold off Frenzy who is trying to get into the room that they're- that they’ve holed themselves up in.  Which... it's a weird, weird room.

O: It is, but now back to how sexy the cars are!  Look at the car, so sexy!

S: Why is everything so orange?  I will bemoan the orange!

O: We can’t have no girly colors in here conveying emotions, Specs!  Look at the cars!

S: [sighs] And the Autobots immediately join up with Bee, it's convoy time!

O: [attempts to sing] We're gonna roll this truckin convoy- oh god that’s the right tune.  I even looked it up!

S: Oh!  I've got it on my phone.

[The audio cuts and “Convoy,” by C. W. McCall plays]

B: [singing] “We have a little ol’ convoy, burning through the night!  Yeah, we got a little convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight? Come on and join our convoy!  Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way. We gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'cross the U-S-A. Convoy!”

[The audio cuts as a record scratch noise plays]

O: That’s enough of a music break!

B: [laugh]

S: Ah, Maggie and company began to arm themselves with some of the older guns um, from the display cases in the room they're stuck in.

O: Oh yeah, I'm sure those will shoot just fine!

S: Where did they even find the ammo or…?

O: Yeah!  Because why would the ammo be stored with most of the stuff that's on display?

S: I mean that thing- I mean like, having the ammo for interest but yeah, why would they have ammo or even gun powder in this room?  [quietly] I don’t know. [normal volume] And then it's back to Bee again.

O: Wow, I just don't care!  Even the G1 episodes, where they were constantly swapping back and forth between a bunch of different scenes, are better than this.

S: Those typically have more things happening in them.

O: Surprisingly, yes.  I'd much rather watch Megatron throw shit at Starscream.

S: Honestly, that's more cohesive.

O: And that is saying something.

S: Okay, so one of the Decepticons, Bonecrusher, catches up with the Bots and Optimus transforms into a robot mode to protect the others.

O: He just seems like such an asshole here, they're literally fighting on a highway.  There are so many people that must die here!

S: Yeah, I mean, I'm kind of amused by how it looks like their roller-skating but that doesn't exactly take away from the- oh, there's a terrifying robot deathmatch and so many people are dying.

O: Yeah and but- but thanks Bay!  I'm so glad that this one kid and his mom survived.  Thanks for that.

S: God, so many people probably need therapy in this universe.

O: I would think so.

S: Frenzy is now in the vents.

O: Good boy, you go get ‘em!  Even if the B team is definitely the better… group.

S: He comes out and falls so straight onto a glass case, uh-

O: That's my boy!

B: [laugh]

S: Like, he's using shuriken things, like he was using a shuriken things before, but now he's been like boomerang- boomeranging shit around and he accidentally beheads himself with his boomerang shuricane- shuriken thingy.

O: That's my boy! [laughs] So interestingly (to me anyway), it seems like this- the movie series uh, kind of made the whole- the whole integrated weapon thing for the Transformers more common.  I know you saw it a bit in G1, but it seemed kind of inconsistent in either how it worked or what weapons they had. Ironhide, just Ironhide, right?

S: Mm-hm.

O: Um, but- but this made it more consistent, like especially in Prime you- you saw that consistency and thought applied to the weapons and how that- they access them throughout the entire series, which was really nice.

S: It was also pretty consistent with Animated, which I think came out around the same time as this movie though I don't remember if it was prior to the movie being released or afterward.  

[TFA was released in December of 2007, whereas the first Transformers live action film had been released in July 2007. ~O]

O: Well, and I mean, either, or- either the movie borrowed from it, or it borrowed from the movie with Megatron kind of being that thing that advanced tech for-

S: Yeah.

O: -for humanity, which was just kind of weird, but yeah.

S: Or they both borrowed it from the comics, and then just made it consistent because they do have pretty integrated weaponry in the original Marvel comics.

O: That- that's true I-I meant- I thought you meant the uh, Megatron being- being why we had any technological advancement-

S: Oh-

O: -and I was really confused for a good minute.

S: No, no, no, no, sorry, just the-the integrated weaponry.

O: Fair.

S: Though [laughs] Animated did that Megatron’s the reason that they have-

O: Yeah!  That- that like, New Detroit or Detroit has like all this like, amazing tech.

S: Our convoy enters Mission City, and prepares to hold off the Decepticons to prevent them from getting the AllSpark.

O: Why did they bring this into a city?

S: I don't know, no one explains their shitty decisions here.

O: It gets weirder because apparently, when they were writing or making the movie there- they originally have thought to have the climax in the Grand Canyon.  Which seems like that would make a lot more sense? Like, sure, there's less coverage per se, but way less civilian life in danger!

S: It would have also involved like, immense environmental destruction but that’s not something they would have been concerned about.

O: I just don’t see- I don't see how that would have been more work then the city.

S: They may have had issues actually getting- well no, they could have done it all in green screen but…

O: Anyway, we've contacted the Air Force, so the dam team has succeeded.

S: [laughs]

O: Uh, Lennox and his dudes communicate what they need.

S: Oh honey, that's not the Air Force.  That's really not the Air Force.

O: But only Ironhide seems to realize it's actually Starscream that's approaching.

S: Bee uses a random... well, it's got a Furby on it, so it's the Furby delivery truck as cover.

O: Starscream shoots said truck and send everyone flying.  Everyone else is covered in dirt and grime here- and I mean technically so is Mikaela, but she has an almost angelic glow about her when she wakes up in a pile of rubble looking at Sam.  Sam also has an angelic glow because remember, he gonna hit that.

S: [sharp intake of breath] Uh-huh, Bumblebee has lost his legs in the last attack.

O: And Bumblebee is basically half a bot, let's keep that in our back pocket for later shall we?

S: Yeah.  Mikaela being the badass lady that she is like, “ We're gonna move Bee!  We're going to get this done!” And proceeds to break into and hotwire a tow truck to do just that.

O: Go Mikaela. Bee gives the AllSpark to Sam and conveys to him that he should go on without him basically.

S: And then another Decepticon um, Demolisher, shows up and uh, Ironhide, Ratchet and Jazz engage him.  And I think Demolisher’s a tank?

O: Yeah… and I think that one [the tank] was Demolisher?  I think this is something that really frustrates me about Sam though,  so much what happening- what is happening around him seems rooted in the sense of self sacrifice, but yet he doesn't ever have to sacrifice anything?

S: Like, the only things that he might theoretically have to sacrifice could be his life.  And he never does that, he's never even like, even remotely close to doing something like that except by accident.

O: Exactly.

S: By like, falling off a building.

O: Yeah, like it's never, “I'm going to-,” it never feels like, “I am going to choose to do this thing.”

S: Yeah, and then random boob and ass shot from some random lady who's in danger.

O: And I'm not judging her for what she's wearing, but you just know she got put in that outfit and put into that shot for one reason which was titillation and I'm like, did you have to?  In a movie about giant robots, did you have to?

S: It's only theoretically about giant robots, you know it's about Sam-

O: [sighs] Yeah...

S: and his boner.

O: [quietly] Boner of fate.

S: [high pitched laughter]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image of one of the Conehead Seekers in a t-rex’s jaws, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: Megatron lands, and you know, shouts his own name.

O: Why are you- why did he do that!?!  Is he a Pokemon now? “Megatron! MEGATRON!” [laughs]

S: He’s got to announce his presence.

O: [still laughing] Obviously!

S: Poor Jazz attacks Megatron, and Megatron grabs him before flying off and landing on top of a building.

O: And then he rips Jazz in two.

S: Poor Jazz will not survive this.

O: Remember what I said earlier?

S: About Bee?

O: Yeah. [sighs] You- you brought up a good point prior, technically Bee only lost his legs from the knee down, but I'm just gonna say, they are giant fucking robots and I still don't feel like Jazz should have died here.  Also, according to the TF Wiki there was some point during development when Megatron was going to literally, not figuratively, literally, eat other bots’ sparks, so if that had been what had happened- Jazz being dead would have made a lot more sense!

S: How in a movie about alien freaking robots does Bay manage to kill the metaphorical black guy first?  Why?

O: I don't know why he killed anyone here!  We've barely gotten to see the robots at all!

S: Apparently, we have to make uh, make there be some sort of... I don't know, people are dying, this stuff is really real.  Except... no, they use the guy who's- basically Jazz's speech patterns are close- are I don't know, AAVE? American… African-American Vernacular, I think?

O: Eh, it’s- he's coded African American because of his speech patterns-

S: Yeah.

O: -is probably, how I would know-

S: The way, yes-

O: -the best way to say it?  And I'm just super sorry if that's not accurate.

S: Yeah, we- we apologize if this is inaccurate and offends anyone.  It isn't our intention.

O: Yeah.  But- but yeah, like effectively, [sighs] he, ugh, it’s just literally he- he killed the black guy.  I know he's not literally a black guy, but- but that is how he has been characterized.

S: That's just... that's how it feels.

O: Yeah.

S: And back to Dumbass McGee.  Sam is tasked with taking the AllSpark to the top of this building, so that they can hand it off to the Air Force.

O: Did they miss the whole Megatron and Starscream have jet alts bit?

S: I'm gonna go with, yes.

O: Apparently, okay.  Just checking.

S: Everyone is a very, very disrespectful, like they're fucking disrespectful as fuck to Mikaela and no one gives Sam shit but Mikaela trying to get Bee out of the way invites comments.

O: Golly, I wonder why!

S: And Optimus finally arrives.

O: What took him so long!?!

S: He got lost!  He fell off a highway and wasn't sure which way everyone else went, and also, with all the you know, internet and Wi-Fi and everything knocked out, he didn't have any GPS.

O: [laughs] That is the best excuse- that’s the best explanation I've heard. Headcannon accepted!

S: It’s not like he's driven around there before, and I don't think he has Ratchet’s nose. [laughs]

O: No, no, no, nope, uh-hm-

S: [continues laughing]

O: - nope that’s it, I’m leaving!

S: [continues laughing]

O: I’m done, I’me done! [unintelligible] -of Ratchet’s nose!

S: [continues laughing]

[A door slams]

S: [continues laughing]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image of Soundwave being thrown into a rocket, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: And then Megatron shows up, transforming into robot mode.

O: So I don’t hate his alt exactly, but I just can't help but think Prime did this better.  Of course his voice was better too, but what do I know!?! Sorry, is my salt showing? Seriously though, I find it funny that both damn times that go to make a Transformers movie, they- they get Cullen to do Optimus, but they don't get Welker to Megatron.  Only to have Welker either return to do the character in the TV show or later in the movie series. Although it's kind of funny cuz they took him out in the movie and had somebody else play Galvatron and it's the exact opposite in the live-action, where once Galvatron shows up Welker is doing him.  The irony.

S: That is funny.  And then Megatron and Optimus fight.

O: Finally!  We get some of that homoerotic fighting this series is so known for!  He's sitting on Optimus punching him, yep.

S: Except a lot of this is done in a shaky cam so..

O: Yeah, so it's still terrible but eh, I mean, at least we're getting... sexual tension now?

B: [laugh]

S: And Sam is somehow running faster than the robots, how???  They have a wider stride.

O: Dunno, but it’s the return of Dorito-scream!

S: And Ironhide tells Sam to run, like he wasn't already doing that.

O: Mikaela however, is a stone cold badass.

S: Her and Bee enter the fray, with her driving backwards and Bee doing all the shooting and fighting.  “I'll drive, you shoot,” indeed.

O: I really feel like they bond here, but we never get to see him be as good friends with her as he is with Sam which seems really shitty.  This scene had actual feelings! Emotions! Characters vibing with each other, dammit! Mikaela's like, “I'm scared, but I can help you and I know you want to help,” and I am here for that.

S: Yeah, they're actually working together instead of Sam who so far has uh, either been chasing the car, or being chased by the car, or possibly driving the car.

O: But not actually driving the car, like all movie.

S: Yeah.  Sam gets up on the roof and uh, manages to set off a flare.

O: But Starscream is RIGHT THERE, so the helicopter gets shot down before they can retrieve the AllSpark.

S: God, there is such a body count in this movie.

O: Right!?!  But it's fine because Sam and his penis, I mean hec-

S: [laughs]

O: Sam and his boner, I mean Sam and his not girlfriend survive.

S: Ugh, Optimus attempts to reach Sam.

O: And doesn't try to stop the falling helicopter at all.

S: It doesn't have the thing he wants.

O: [It’s] so fucked up.

S: Megatron reaches the roof and demands that Sam hands over the AllSpark.

O: Megatron then asks if it's courage or fear that compels him, which I will say- fear!  Obviously! The man has never known courage in his entire life!

S: Sam is- well, ok, so the entire time this exchange was going on, Sam was like, holding on to like, the front or back of this statue that's up on the roof.

O: Mm-hmm.

S: And, uh, basically Sam, and I think the statue, get knocked off the building.  But don't worry, Optimus catches him with his big soft hands.

O: Obviously.  Also, we see Optimus’ battle mask, it's something that was kind of neat.  An interesting idea when done WELL, like say, Prime or even Animated! You can pray this soap box for my COLD DEAD HANDS.

S: It's also not bad Cyberverse, but that's significantly newer.

O: Yeah, but it would be pulling from the other two.

S: Yeah.  And, um, how are people still driving around in this city?  Wasn't- well, I mean, there wouldn't- well, okay, I guess... there may be people who haven't gotten the memo about the giant robot war.

O: I just feel like, maybe they would have seen the smoke, or the explosions, and decided driving would be bad, but I don’t know…

S: I don't know how well sound travels in this city.

O: Who knows.  Optimus and Megatron both hit the street and seem to need a few seconds to shake the fall off, despite Sam being perfectly fucking fine.

S: That makes zero sense.  Humans are, uh... special.

O: [sighs] Optimus tells Sam that if he can't defeat Megatron, then Sam needs to push the AllSpark into Optimus’ chest- to make sure Megs doesn't get it.

S: Like, this is actually something that I think Optimus has said before?

O: Yeah, he- he said it to the Autobots earlier and- and Ratchet was like, “That might kill ya both!  Dumbass.”

S: Yeah.

O: Only without the dumbass-

S: I think-

O: -that’s my addition.  I know how to write Ratchet talking better than this movie does.  Fight me. [laughs]

S: Optimus just seems kind of suicidal at this point.

O: I mean… yeah.  He does not seem happy.

S: Yeah.

O: I mean, like, look, I can't think anybody would be happy in the middle of war or anything, but at least feel like G1 Optimus probably has moments.  Prime Optimus probably at least loves his team, to some capacity. Animated Optimus loves his team. As for as much as they drive him nuts.

S: [laughs]

O: This Optimus?  I don't think there's a single thing, a single spark of joy in this mech’s life.

S: Yeah, and back to the Decepticons, it’s Blackout time.

O: I kind of like how its rotors look like a cape when he transforms.

S: They wiggle.

O: THEY WIGGLE.

S: I- I enjoy the wiggly cape and it-

O: I do too!

S: And it’s- it’s helicopter rotors are like that.

O: Yeah, like, you kind of see with Blades a little bit in Rescue Bots too.

S: Yeah, he's a wiggly boy.  Lennox and company are able to defeat Blackout with some help from the Air Force.

O: Do they kill him with shot to the crotch?

S: [laughs] That’s entirely possible.

O: [laughs]

S: Lennox, I think, ends up taking... I don't know, the thing with- cuz-

O: They like- he slides underneath him and shoots.  So I’m like, “Did you kill him with a shot to the robo dick?”

S: [laughs]

O: Really?  Is that the Decepticons’ weakness?  That’s good to know. Optimus, aim there!

B: [laugh]

S: Oh, um, and so... basically, there's apparently a particular type of round that they have to use. Tha- it's like, a Sabot-something or other at that-

O: I don’t remember.

S: Yeah.

O: And I didn't- I didn't actually write it down because it was not important enough to me, sorry.

S: Yeah.

O: [laughs]

S: Starscream takes out a good chunk of the military reinforcements and so like, at one point one of the soldiers is like, “Friendlies don't fly under building height,” or whatever.

O: They proceed to fly in the building height a few scenes later.

S: Yeah, while…

O: Starscream is transforming in and out of jet mode to take them out.

S: Yes, so yeah, there's- god, there is so much mortality going on here.  Cuz there's like, multiple planes going down-

O: Uh-huh

S: -in the middle of this inner city area.

O: And like, I will say, and we both comm- or I think you commented on like- it is a- it's a good fight like, for how Starscream would fight.

S: Yeah.

O: Because he’s sort of constantly shifting back and forth.

S: Yeah, I think he's choosing good aerial tactics for what he is.

O: He is and it’s really neat, actually.

S: Yeah, that was pretty cool.  From a mortality from human perspective point that's horrifying but...

O: That’s true.  Elsewhere, Megatron and Optimus continue to fight but Optimus is definitely losing.

S: Yeah, and so, Sam's been underfoot I guess, the entire time?

O: And he hasn't been squished.

S: Yeah.

O: Pity.

S: So instead of shoving the cube into Optimus’ chest he shoves it into Megatron's, because apparently Megatron’s spark is just out there on display… somehow?

O: Shit!  We don't know what that does!  What if he accidentally gave him immortality or something!?!

S: Apparently that didn't happen, cuz it seems- apparently that killed Megatron and like destroyed the cube???

O: Ahh?  [laughs]

S: And now Ironhide is walking around carrying both halves of Jazz's corpse like... babies in the crook of his arms.  Before handing them all over to Optimus.

O: That’s not awkward at ALL! [laughs]

S: Sam, Mikaela, and Bee reunite.

O: Exposition by the Secretary of Defense lets us know that the President has ordered the end of Sector Seven and all the Decepticon remains have been dropped into the Linares Trench where the cold and water pressure should keep them entombed.

[I don’t know if we misheard this when we were watching the movie or what, but according to TF Wiki it was the Laurentian Abyss, I’m really not sure where we got Linares from. ~O]

S: [sighs] Later, at yet another sunset, um…

O: [laughs] There's so many of those in this movie!  Optimus Prime closes out the movie, leaving us with a message of questionable hope and alerting any remaining Autobots that they may come to Earth.

S: We'll see some of them in the next movie.  Um...

O: But this is all while Sam and Mikaela are getting hot and heavy on top of Bumblebee’s windshield.

S: Yup.  That's- that's a person guys!  Maybe don't make out on top of him unless this is some sort of really weird three-way.  Which, ok, maybe not so weird if they're into that, but I don't think they discussed it.

O: [laughs] All the other Autobots in the background are totally watching too, so it just sort of feels like, extra level of creepy.

S: Yeah.  It really does.  I'm just shaking my head.  And um-

O: That's this movie in a nutshell, man.

S: The credits roll as the incredibly soothing tones of Linkin Park uh, they- they play and they escort us out of this movie.

O: So let mercy come, except for Decepticons because they don't deserve it according to this movie.

S: A few other scenes are cut into the credits.

O: Mostly involving Sam's parents.

S: It's really unimportant.

O: We do see Starscream escape into space though.

S: So, what are our conclusions?

O: Watching the Bumblebee movie and the entirety of Transformers Prime will get you everything that was pleasant about this movie and be a more enjoyable experience.  Maybe go do that instead? The Prime designs even seem at least loosely based on some of the live-action designs, you know some of the elements [of them] that I actually liked.  Real talk? It introduced some interesting concepts, but overall I hated it pretty much the entire time I was watching it. Specs?

S: I would have preferred to see a different movie, perhaps involving some of these characters but not all of them.  Um, specifically I would have liked to see something starring Mikaela, Maggie, Glen, and Miles. Miles would have definitely been like, just you know, the random straight man who has no idea what the hell's going on.  While the other three are hyper- well they're all hyper competent at something, and then the soldiers could have been interesting secondary characters too.

But you know, there were really too many characters in this movie for anyone to have a complete character arc. So it would work better with a smaller cast, maybe just focusing on the first four that I mentioned?  Either that or having a TV series with the soldiers coming in as liaisons with the military kind of like Fowler from Prime. Some sort of buddy comedy with the first four or just a more- actually, something with more of the tone of Prime as a TV series-

O: Yeah.

S: - would have- would have worked well.

O: So like, what robots would you want to see in that?

S: Uh, I mean, if I was going to keep the Bayverse robots... I just want to see more characterization from them and better writing.  But if I could have any character, G1 based Ratchet, uh, maybe Hot Rod or Bumblebee for you know, kid appeal.  If I was gonna pick between live-action Bumblebees, I'd go with the Bumblebee [movie] Bumblebee.

O: Yeah, he was definitely better.

S: A G1 based Wheeljack, Cyberverse Grimlock.  Uh, if it was something that was gonna be more lighthearted, maybe the Rescue Bots, particularly Blades.  Cuz I would like a flight frame in there.

O: Yeah.

S: And… so- Optimus, even if he's only someone who shows uh, sometimes?

O: Periodically, yeah.

S: Optimus would be good.  If this was going to be a heavier thing, keep the Rescue Bots off.  And, I mean, if we're going- going back to the Bayverse thing, if we're going to stick with Bayverse Autobots, just give them screen time and character development.  And also Bayverse Arcee, specifically, the design for the toy from the first movie, even if she was pink.

O: Fair.

S: But as it stands, [sighs] the Bayverse Autobots in this movie are just... Optimus is impatient, Ironhide really likes his guns, Rachet is tactless, and Bumblebee is immature.  And then Jazz is the only person who seemed to actually learn about human social customs in some- in some manner. He doesn't destroy as much shit as everyone else.

O: Yeah, Jazz was definitely the best one.

S: He was!  And then he- then they killed him, he died!  It’s just like, why did you do that?

B: [sigh]

S: If you're going to have characters, please give them screen time and don't kill them.

O: What a concept!  I guess that leaves me to fill out the Cons for this cast.  Uh, Megatron obviously, uh, G1 or Prime. Probably Prime if I had to pick one because they- again, I feel like the Prime characters lend themselves reasonably well to a more, kind of realistic plot.  Soundwave, probably Prime, again feel like he fits better into this. Uh, he needs some of the cassettes though, which Prime didn't really have, but I definitely want Ravage, cuz I love Ravage. Uh, Knockout because he's fun, and snarky.  Um, it's not Cons without a Starscream, so Starscream. But similar what you said, I would literally take just fleshing out the Cons in the Bayverse, because they had so little screenshin- screenshine?

S: [laughs]

O: They had so little screen time, and just no personality, and it was just... depressing!

S: The most screen time that we had for any of them would be Blackout at the beginning, where he's basically just shooting things-

O: Yeah, but he didn't even have any lines!

S: Yeah, and then…

O: Like, in fact, so few of them had lines!

S: Yeah.

O: Like, the way- even the Decepticons, most of the time when they talk, they talked in Cybertronian even.

S: Yeah.

O: And it was translated, it was just like, “On our way,” or, “Megatron has been found.”  It wasn't even- it wasn't character, it was just a statement!

S: Yeah, like none of them had personality and that’s just so disappointing.

O: It really is.

S: [sighs] And it's- we have fanfiction recommendations.

O: Yeah, I know we didn't do this with the other specials but because there is actually fanfic based on the live-action stuff, we kind of thought it was more applicable here.

S: Alright, so the first one is, “The Princess is in Another Castle,” by Bibliotecaria_D.  It's in the mov- the Bayverse continuity, obviously. Uh, rating, PG-13. It's got- it has past slash, so it's not a general fic.  Parings, uh, past Mikaela Banes and Sam Witwicky. Um, characters, Mikaela Banes. And in summary, “Mikaela Banes is waiting” That's- that's the long and short of the summary folks.

O: [laughs]

S: But it's really good!  It’s-

O: It's basically... what did happen to Mikaela, after her and Sam broke up?  And it- and it feels like this very good character development thing for her and it feels- it feels good to read.  Like it feels like- yes, this feels like something the character would have done and it it really gives her more depth than the movies ever did.

S: More depth and agency.

O: Agency, she has goals- that aren’t Sam oriented.

S: Um-hm.

O: It's really nice, I really recommend it.

S: I should reread it it's been a while.

O: I do recommend it like, I’ve read it multiple times because I thought it was really good.

S: Yeah.  So the the rec for it is Mikaela and it's a one shot.  And so our next one is- would you like to talk about it or would you prefer me?

O: I'm gonna talk about it, and I'll kind of explain why I maybe can't give the best in-depth explanation of it.  But uh, our other fanfic suggestion is, “Towards Peace”. It is by ariealbots, the continuity is Bay movies, if- they bring in elements of IDW, it's rated T.  It is slash, but believe me when I say I'm not gonna read this entire list. I'll just tell you kind of the top ones are Megatron/Optimus, Megatron/Ultra Magnus, Optimus Prime/Shockwave, Mikaela Banes/Bumblebee/Sam Whitwicky- so they actually are a trine in this like, they're- they're a poly relationship-

S: Um-hm.

O: -as far as I can tell.  Um, characters... there are so many!  I- like, it would have been absurd for me to try to list them all but basically the Bayverse cast, you get elements of some of the IDW characters thrown in, like Verity.  You get some of the Bumblebee characters thrown in like you actually get Charlie. Um, and they're pairing up essentially with all the bots that are still on Earth and it's really- it's really great cuz I think Charlie gets uh, teamed up with Skyfire?  So like, the- the Russian jet not like the Skyfire from G1.

S: Oh, the guy for the second movie?

O: Yes!  Like-

S: That’s Jetfire.

O: Jetfire, thank you!  I knew the name wasn’t exactly the same and I kept forgetting.  Skyfire actually shows up as a separate character in this and he's more based off G1 and IDW.  But yeah, she- she sort of is paired up with Jetfire and- and it's really lovely and I like it. [laughs]

[Okay, to make this all the more confusing, he’s called Jetstorm in this particular fic, so I just got this wrong in all the ways.  ~O]

S: Except he's not Russian in the second one he's an SR-71 Blackbird.

O: He has a Russian accent.

S: Ah, ok.

O: I don't know why-

S: Well-

O: Like- like it it makes more sense when I read it but-

S: Okay.

O: But anyway in summary, heh, “At the climax of the Battle of Mission City the AllSpark is pushed into Megatron's chest and instead of killing him it does what it was made for, it transforms.  After millennia of slow descent into madness brought by programming corruption the Lord Protector Megatron finds his mind suddenly restored but the memory of what he's done cannot be washed away.  With the war brought to a violent halt both Autobots and Decepticons must learn to coexist if they want to reunite their civilization and restore their dying world.”

S: I like that summary.

O: It's... good and obviously it's because, Bayverse, and it took place right after the first movie so I wanted to recommend it here.  Um, it is multi chapter, it's still ongoing, which is kind of my caveat usually I don't like recommending things unless they’re finished.  And I actually have a hard time following this one- reading it, partially because I have a hard time telling any of the Bayverse bots apart.

Like, I think, I'm actually gonna have an easier time reading it now, now that I had to like, sit down and fucking disect the Bayverse movie, so I'm gonna be really happy to go back and read it.  Um, I think it's pretty safe to assume a bunch of the pairings are like past and stuff, because like, I- I haven't seen hide nor hair of Ultra Magnus yet. Um, but- but anyway it's- it is good and like, the stuff I've read I described it as like, having this very kind of sweet pervasive kindness to it and softness to it which was really nice.  Uh, it was done as part of a Big Bang, I think?

S: Hmm…

O: The Big Bang event.  Like I said, they're not finished yet but I'm interested to see what they do and- and I'd liked a few of the like, characters and relationships particularly kind of with the humans and whatever kind of bot or bots they're kind of closest with.

Like I said with Charlie I'm pretty sure it was uh, Jetfire.  I think Verity might have actually been with Barricade, don't quote me on that because I could totally be wrong but- but I liked it, like it was good on that level.  Um, it's just I'm like, I haven't finished it yet and I haven't even read the most recent stuff so I'm always a little hesitant to recommend stuff I haven't finished reading so you know, with a grain of salt.  But I like what I read.

S: I’m going to have to go look at that, because it does sound nice.

O: It- it- just… I love that a concept.  God forbid, I cannot keep the Bayverse characters straight to save my life.  Uh, Jazz comes back to life though. [laughs]

S: Nice.

O: Because Megatron basically start- like he- he touches Jazz and so Jazz is better now.  “I got better!”

S: [laughs]

O: Uh, but- but he can also sense where like, a lot of the living Cybertronians are so like that's how they actually- they actually go get Skyfire who is in the Arctic in this uh, fanfic so you know, but- but it's good.  Uh... oh! Thundercracker and Skywarp are in it so you have the full- you have a full Dorito trine. Um-

B: [laugh]

O: I like my Doritos in multiple flavors, thank you very much! [laughs]

S: Cool ranch and I'm not sure what the hell Skywarp would be.

O: Uh, cheesy?

B: [laugh]

O: Anyway, happy holidays everyone and thank you for tuning in.  It's been a wild year and we're excited to keep talking about these ridiculous robots.  We will be taking a break for the rest of this month and January to enjoy the holidays but we'll be back in February with episode 26, “Attack of the Autobots!” Oh god, the Ark's only got two beds and there's about to be problems.

S: Oh my god, they were all roommates.

B: [laugh]

S: They are!

O: You’re not wrong, per se...

S: And that just about wraps it up for us today.  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast, such as AO3, iTunes, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and Youtube, just to name a few.  Till next time, I'm Specs.

O: And I’m Owls.

B:  Happy holidays!

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

[Ending Stinger]

S: Welcome to our first anniversary special with the 2004 Transformers film.

O: That is the wrong year.

S: GAH-

B: [dissolve into laughter]

S: God dammit.

[m00nslippers]

Okay, I just need to rant right now, and it’s probably a really unpopular opinion, and if you disagree that’s fine I guess, feel free to message me about it with FACTS, okay? Not just feelings, okay? FACTS.

*Takes a deep breath*

Tim Drake is not an underrated Robin.

He’s not an underdog. The whole fandom isn’t against him. Jason stans don’t universally hate him. No one is out to get him. No one has forgotten him. He’s a valued Robin who has contributed as much or more to the mythos as Dick himself. I honestly don’t understand where this constant whining that no one likes Tim Drake and he deserves more attention is coming from. I really fucking don’t.

He’s been in as many or more comics than Dick Grayson. I think he even had his own solo run first if I recall? That’s how popular he was. For a while there he had a writer that loved him so fucking much that he actually made Tim unlikable by making everyone else look like an out of character idiot standing next to him (the Batman Eternal and Batman and Robin Eternal series.)

And his backstory? His backstory sets him up as a genius. A little kid who found out Batman’s identity when no one else could, saw Batman destroying himself over the loss of his former partner and decided to step up to help how he could? That’s insane, that’s a grade A backstory. It’s not somehow ‘not as good’ as the other Robins and therefore people forget about him. It informs his entire character as a genius who puts himself out there because he cares. You can’t give this bullshit like, “his origin isn’t as flashy as other Robins so people don’t like him”. No, that’s a flashy as fuck backstory. It’s right up there with all the other Robins, okay? I have never in my life, heard anyone say that Tim has a boring backstory except Tim fans themselves. If anything Dick’s backstory is the one that suffers compared to his. And Jason’s barely makes any sense half the time. Tim really has the best backstory of all the Robins, IMO. Even against Damian.

And even DC hasn’t forgotten about him or anything. He’s been a main character in at least one, usually two comics since the reboot and before that he was in everything, man. He was in those Eternal series, he was the main in Batman Beyond, just stole it right out from under Terry McGinnis, he was in Gotham Knights, he showed up in Detective comics a lot, except for that brief moment when he was ‘dead’ but people still mentioned him all the time. And now he’s got his own team again in Young Justice. Damian might have had more exposure at the time, but he’s the main Robin now, what do you expect? He’s gotta show up in all the batman stuff, whereas Tim has moved on from that so he’s in other things. Like the most that could be said of Tim is that he had a moment there were he wasn’t in every Batman related comic, but even if you say something like he was the least used Robin for a year or two that doesn’t 1) mean he was unpopular and people didn’t like him, or 2) that it means anything at all, since he’s still probably one of the top ten most loved DC characters of all time, like there are so many characters that actually are underused and never had solo runs and probably never will, Tim not being in the spotlight for once just doesn’t even compare to that. I could rant about other Robins or bat-family characters who are unappreciated in comparison to Tim but I’m just not going to.

The most that could be said is maybe that the DC writers have been shitty to Tim lately and writing him really out of character but the same could literally be said for almost every Robin, including Dick, Jason and Damian. Like, Dick doesn’t have friends anymore, Jason is an incompetent idiot all of a sudden, and Damian lost every bit of character development he ever had, Tim is being written as a stuck up jerk but does he even have it the worst of the Robins? Maybe, but that isn’t a reflection of the fans feelings about him.

And this bullshit that Jason fans don’t like Tim. Okay, I’m sure there are some that don’t, mostly owing to the fact that Tim was a complete asshole to Jason in the Eternal comics for no reason, but then so was everyone in that comic, like really the whole thing was just the writer being a complete jerk to Jason and putting him down at every opportunity. Maybe some people hold Tim to that, but I think most acknowledge that was just poor writing. Like Jason’s most popular ship is with Tim. Jason fans LOVE Tim. They love that Tim is such a sweet boy that he idolized Jason and stalked him taking pictures of him as Robin, that he wanted to be friends with him even after he came back angry and murdery. They love to ship those boys. And not just in romantic ways, even most of the gen redemption fics involve Tim being the one to get him back with the family.

And I don’t know what to tell you about Tim and fan art. I feel like there’s a similar amount as other Robins, but if there isn’t that’s a reflection of Tim fans not making it and nothing else, right? You guys need to get on that.

So, sure, say “I Love Tim Drake and I wish he was in more things! Let’s just chuck him in everything, in fact!” That’s a valid thing to say and want. I respect that desire.

But people bitching, “Tim Drake is the most underappreciated Robin, like why do people like stupid Jason and Dick and Damian when they can love this boy. I hate Jason and Damian fans, always making fan stuff for those characters instead of Tim who should be everyone’s favorite because he is the best and the smartest and everyone should like him instead, because everyone puts him down and doesn’t like him for ignorant reasons,” that is objectively wrong and pisses me right the hell off.

Just...just stop. Please.

*Insert Ted Talk joke here.*

[iimmcrtalis-archive]

DA verse

a summary post of all my active muses verse(s) in dragon age because i’m f EELING IT BOYS. except terry for rn bc it’ll be Hard. one day. gonna try and go in a from least knowledge bout their verse to extensive knowledge of ‘em so. ayy

this is a pretty long post i apologize to those on mobile!!

Nova; mage(???), human ( ? ), possibly a distant noble

probably a mage? because blue space magic is her jam. though she’s actually more of a combat & tech. she was like well rounded in that regard so i’m considering iunno??? battlemage maybe w/ lockpicking who knows. she’s a sneaky mage that can stab u real good.

would probably also assume she’s pretty good as inquisitor because she would treat it as her role and thing she still has to bare and takes it seriously. like nova is no nonsense as inquisitor but absolute nonsense when she’s not playing that role lmao. 

Morgan; mage?? human af ye. defo a noble blood t BH. 

i unno man. iunno. is he a mage? yeah probably. would he be a legit battlemage + arcane warrior? probably. Would i say he uses a real sword? pro b ab ly. like listen he’s a beefy mage who wears normal armor and probably looks like a fckn non mage but bOOM SUDDENLY LIGHTNING FROM HIS HAND W H AT 

iunno he’s a mage and he’s aggressive as FUCKKKK. aggro as fuck. probably sides withhh iunno both he’d want both and think it’s wasted potential to only have one lmao. iunno he’s hard to figure out man. he’d ultimately probably be like templars because actual ppl who know how to fight. but also wouldn’t wanna condemn the mageS??? so who knows who knows. 

anyways he probably likes blackwall and the iron bull and viv and cass?? and just ye. chills w/ them a lot probably. probably would flirt w/ cass tho god. butw/e no he’s uhhhh real aggressive as a fckn inquisitor like every body getting beheaded. except a few probably.. he would probably make uh... whats his name... tranquil tbh. worse fate than death that yes he would wish on his enemies bc otherwise they get what they want & too risky otherwise. 

Igne; old af elf, probably an assassin combo w/ magic??

like listen if you tell me that they can’t be both ima fckn punt u bc really that’s dumb. defeats the point of multiclassing in the fantasy genre of g am es. anyways really tho they’re old. old as balls. probably? iunno. probably served like... andruil for a while or somethin! got a lil lil corrupted but didn’t want it and wanted freedom so they were like FUCK THIS SHIT IM OUTTIE 

how’d they live? no idea. not a single clue bc i just don’t know jackshit bout ancient elf shit anymore (when did i ever) but honestly. it’s probably a thing right? old af elves everywhere. but no no they’d probably even annoy sera bc like they’re literally?? nonsense. violent af nonsense. hanging off a roof with a fckn potato in their mouth & lookin ready to murder. 

it’s a look™  but nah thinkin that u hhh corruption shit is probably what gave them a red eye ayyy

inquisitor igne is like dagger eyes at solas but doesn’t snitch on him ever not even once. she’s got his back man. she’d be like cool i’ll plaY BOTH SIDES SUre. sure. no mercy run on ppl tho god 

EVELYN / ISENE; old af elf. got that fckn combo again

it’s a theme really, combo classes. all my muses? multiclassed fuckers.  for a detailed everything, please refer to her old blog bc this is gonna be a stupid summary of it so ayyy.

old as dicks dude. lost her arm in the rebellion, against the rebellion. served elgar’nan because he fits her the most tbh. still sort of serves him i guess. like if he showed up she wouldn’t hesitate to follow his orders is what i mean here. otherwise she keeps up the facade of being a former dalish elf mercenary. and definitely doesn’t shy away from admitting she’s got magic. never calls herself a mage because  like lmao 

she has a fckn big ol sword she carries around one handed? and if ur like UR JUST A MAGE she’s gonna use said big ol sword to chop ur head off. not a fan of modern mages tho lmao. at all. like not a lot of sympathy for them. but she would also just kick a circles door in and be like cool leave gtfo you weaklin lil fucks jfc go learn somethin. 

would fight solas in a denny’s parking lot at 2am if she knew jack shit. but she really doesn’t so she’s like ur weird and i dont trust you  butyeah lm ao

Eludysia; ngl i unno if she’s old old but she’s Old. Old seer lady. 

honestly i think she’s not gonna have much of a da verse in general but it exists enough that i feel like i should cover it here. but essentially she’s an old elf seer in rivain. leader of a port side town. No chantry or qunari around its a lot of elves tho. refugees and what not from kirkwall and stuff. 

i unno if she’s an ancient elf but i know she’s old. like real old. so who knows

if she is ancient she probably woulda been like a priestess to ?? falon’din or dirthamen??? because seer shit but like even in a current state she’s fairly devoted to on e o f them or both? probably both lmao. so it’s w/e. 

she’s the former keeper of the clan revas got sent to, which is where revas’ mom is also from and how she gets to that clan. but she was keeper of the clan for like.. a long time like a long time. like that bald fuck from da:o  but without plaguing people with a curse. iunno how she did it but magic and better than that shit. 

more important if revas is inquisitor because lmao she’d probably be like.. welp im gonna come guide you?? probably.   shit she’s probably like emerald knights old tho shit but no fuckin!!! probably comes to be an advisor. 

i think if u go revas as commander/advisor or inquisitor in a thread eludysia’s probs gonna show up and be like sup  but otherwise she’s mainly just a contact in rivain for info and resources!! no special quest or anything u can just contact her for stuff. 

Warren; half-elf, half-qunari. big man w/ a bow.

&& a thick af accent let’s be real here. 

i haven’t made a post about his shit yet so! this one might be a lil longer!! 

grew up in/around starkhaven. in an alienage somewhere really! but he’s got that starkhaven accent. probably just fumbled his way there because honestly he got fucking ditched by his people and has no idea who his parents are lmao. just knows his mom died during child birth and he was fuckin cursed essentially via his?? clan or something. that qunari bit of him is real obvious as his horns grew out and probably had a harsh life in an alienage. 

because he’s not an elf. but he’s not human. and he’s not a qunari. so he’s just. him. 

eventually falls in with some ppl who teach him to steal. so he does a lot and then gets busted and they fckn break his horns off and chop his ears!!! and throw him the fuck out. as you do. but they taught him to use a bow so he’s good with that. and knives. good at close quarters and a long range.

gets better with a bow. real top knotch stuff. ends up in a mercenary crew (same one as qunari inquisitor? probably.) enjoys his merc lifestyle ya know has a good time killin shit 

anyways. companion warren is p much like ‘Strength & force.’ because he has no tact and doesn’t care about politics. like one day i’ll have his approval / disapproval shit. but today is not that day.

but the same applies to his inquisitor shit. he’s fucking brutal as an inquisitor. cares about the little people but FUCK the rich. takes the well for himself ( tho if i would also say revas is there bc i can and she’d take it) but generally just!! give him power and let him kill shit!! that’s all he cares about. tho he wouldn’t kill samson or calpernia bc he doesn’t see them as enemies or villains truly? just pawns in a big scheme and he’d probably stare corypheus in the face and be like get fucked you saggy fuck 

he’s great, great guy. 

Revas: Keeper. Dreamer. Dalish elf. 

literally like most people know Revas’ Dragon Age basics!! but if you don’t i’ll just direct you to her old blog, so you know what’s up.  i’ll put it into a summary the best i can tho! 

Backstory: short and simple? #fucked.  expanded? she was born to the lavellan clan to one of the head hunters & warriors. ended up having magic so she was sort of training to become second, or first, till her moms old clan was like hey we need a new first so uhhhh help us out. and they traded some goods and revas went on her way. ended up being a fucked up situation where the previous first was murdered by two clanmates who eventually tried ( and did) murder revas but she came back bc lmao spirit help & ended up killing them and leaving for her actions.

Dragon Age: Awakening:  full page about it Takes place shortly after this event happened. she lived on her own for awhile, protecting people as much as she could from darkspawn during the blight. ends up going to the wardens because someone doesn’t appreciate her help since she’s a Mage.     The choices made by the warden in regards to her effect how she becomes a warden and the rest of the timeline. Sort of a branch off feel. highly recommend taking a look at the page and also this post. 

DA 2:  If not in the Awakening verse, Revas travels around to the clans. becoming a traveling keeper & helping the clans the best she can. As well as finding ruins and exploring man memories from lost objects. Eventually finds her way to Kirkwall to actually speak with Merrill. But some other shenanigans play out and some stuff goes down. Ends up helping in the fight at the end and leaving with Zevran ( @allurfavesrqueer‘s zevran only lmao. )

DA:I     Companion: Shows up in fereldan with some tree peeps. gets some elvhen shit. offers her services to the inquisition bc that’s what her spirit told her to do. and ya know real fucky. shares some approvals as solas but usually has some pretty contrasting opinions on things! Will defo take on the role of like older sibling or sibling figure with the inquisitor if they’re close enough. Be kind to elves & mages and you’re good.  ( also she’s an option to take the well if the inquisitor doesn’t want it) 

   Advisor: Takes up an offer by the inquistor to become an advisor which is more or less her using her network with the elves around the countries to do certain objectives and what not. acts a bit like an ambassador for the elves & mages in the meetings to give them a voice and remind the human board of trusteeeess that they’re fucking not the only ones around :)) 

  Commander: Mainly with @desiderrium‘s Cullen. Basically Revas takes over for Cullen? at his request kinda because she’s like what the fuck you’re whAT. and gets pissed at everyone else for keeping him on when he’s Not Okay even if she’d rather kick his teeth in 99% of the time. why revas take over? because she’s actually p fuckin qualified, gestures vaguely towards being a first and the advisor au. like she knows how to lead ppl so ayy. 

  Inquisitor: Same ish backstory happens except her parents died to the blight and she left the clan for the other and ye same shit happens. but the clans ask her to go check shit out for them and shes like of course and gets caught up in the mess so. 

ALRIGHTY !! 

so that got long but yea!! hopefully this is a more condensed version of stuff and good for reference later. 

[nerdreid]

chemistry killer

the BAU gets called in for a series of murders happening in Brooklyn, New York. when they arrive at the police precinct, they are met with an odd set of detectives, some more excited about their arrival than the others. and what is is about dr. spencer reid that fascinates detective jake peralta so much?

a/n: i’m just gonna be honest, i usually don’t like crossover fics, but i thought of this and i just had to write it because the bau team and the nine-nine squad meeting? amazing. this is probably going to be long with multiple chapters so this is only the first part. i promise it will get more interesting! also, this is alternatively titled: jake has a crush on a fbi nerd but everyone including himself is clueless

please leave some feedback if you liked it (or didn’t like it that’s good too)

Everyone in the Behavioral Analysis Unit was finishing up paperwork from prior cases and getting ready to go home. That was, until Garcia walked into the bullpen. Holding up her phone, she clarified: "Sorry my dear crime fighters, I just got a text; we have a case."

The others in the room groaned. "We just got back from Florida, please tell me it isn't Florida again", JJ said, throwing her head back in frustration.

"It is not, follow me", Garcia replied as she walked up the stairs leading to the briefing room. The others closed their files and followed her example not long thereafter.

When all the agents had taken a chair at the round table, Garcia picked up the remote and started the briefing. She frowned in disgust of the pictures that showed up on the screen. "This morning an unidentified body was found in a dumpster in Brooklyn, New York."

Reid leaned forward, "just one body? Why did they call us in?"

"Oh sweet boy wonder," Garcia shook her head, "you didn't let me finish. Two weeks ago the remains of Gerald Reynolds were discovered in an alley, just four blocks from the dumpster one." More photos appeared on the monitor. "And a week after that, the lifeless body of Ethel Hall, also in an alley behind a dumpster. That makes three."

"The local police department contacted us, so we're heading there now. Wheels up in thirty",  Hotch said. The other members of the team closed their tablets - Reid his paper file -, and started packing their stuff.

---

"The FBI? You mean that the actual federal bureau of investigation is taking over our case?", detective Peralta half-yelled, "I'm not sure whether this super awesome or worse than the Vulture."

"Yes. There have been three murders, which classifies as serial. That means we have the contact the FBI. Their behavioral analysis unit is flying over here as we speak. You will be working together closely", captain Holt stated matter-of-factly. "Please treat them with respect, they are the best at what they do."

Peralta scoffed, "we can solve this case by ourselves, we don't need some federal jerks to come run this place, right?"

Silence.

"We have no physical evidence, no witnesses, no suspects and no leads. Admit it, there is a serial killer on the loose and we are nowhere near solving it. Let the Feds do what they gotta", Diaz said to him before returning to her desk.

Peralta sighed and let himself fall back in his office chair. He couldn't handle the fact that there were cases he couldn't solve and that outsiders were going to step in. But, on the other hand, it is kind of amazing to get to work with the FBI. What would they look like? Are they all in a full suit with a tie and cool-looking sunglasses, like in movies? That would be epic, Peralta thought to himself.

A couple of hours later the elevator dinged, and revealed six people slightly crammed in there. The first man to step out was, in fact, wearing a suit. Behind him were three more men and two women, not in suits, but still intimidating. Captain Holt walked out of his office to introduce himself. "You must be from the behavioral analysis unit, I'm captain Raymond Holt, welcome."

"Yes, I believe we spoke over the phone. Aaron Hotchner", the suit said, "this is my team: SSA's David Rossi, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jennifer Jareau and dr. Spencer Reid." They all shook hands with Holt, except for dr. Reid, which earned him an odd glance. The agent waved as a form of greeting, giving the captain a sort of apologetic look.

Holt nodded, "You'll be working with our squad; sergeant Terry Jeffords and detectives Jake Peralta, Amy Santiago, Charles Boyle and Rosa Diaz. You can set up in the meeting room over there."

"Thank you." Agent Hotchner turned around to face his own team, "Morgan, I want you to go to the M.E. and see what they have to say about the cause of death. Reid, I want you to start with the geographical profile and go over possible suspects together with JJ. Prentiss and I will go to the latest crime scene. And, Dave, if you could go back to the second dump site, maybe it could tell us more about the unsub."

"You might want one of my detectives to assist you, they know the way around here", Captain Holt said. "Diaz, Santiago, Boyle, please", he ordered them over.

Agent Hotchner shook hands with Diaz, who was assigned to him and agent Prentiss, "I appreciate that, thank you."

The FBI agents and their assigned detectives exited the building, leaving dr. Reid and JJ behind. The two walked over to the meeting room, where multiple whiteboards were set up.

Peralta stood up out of his chair, "what about me? Why are you giving all the others the cool tasks?" Motioning towards the meeting room, Holt replied, "you can assist them."

"I'm not gonna sit there listening to them talking when I could be out there solving the case", Jake sighed. His captain stared at him, "Peralta, go over there. That is an order."

Groaning, the detective made his way to the table on which the two agents where sitting. The male said something to the female before standing up and grabbing a marker. He drew something on the map pinned to a board, and pointed at it while turning back to his partner.

"Wow, what's all that?", Peralta asked in reference to the multicolored arrows on the map. "The locations where the three victims were found and where they were last seen. I'm putting together a geographical profile based on those factors. Which means that the unsub probably works or lives in this area", the male agent said as he pointed to the triangle he had drawn.

Jake frowned, "unsub?"

"Unknown subject. It's what we call the offender", the man clarified.

The female turned her attention to Jake, "you're detective Peralta, right? I'm SSA Jennifer Jareau."

Jake took the hand she stuck out, "yes, Jake Peralta it is. Nice to meet you." He went to shake the male agent's hand too, but didn't get much movement in response. "I have a... eh, germ thing. Sorry. Dr. Spencer Reid", the man introduced himself.

"Cool cool coolcoolcool", Jake paused, "so, um, is there something I can do for you?"

"Actually, yes", agent Jareau said, "based on the sophistication of the crimes, we think this isn't the unsub's first time doing this. He might not have killed before, but he has probably been arrested at some point, for smaller offences like animal torture, abuse or even arson. We need all of your arrest files on those types of crimes, going back at least five years."

"Uh, sure. I'll get you a computer and a log-in code for the system"

"Actually," agent Reid said as Jake was about to leave the room, "I would like to have the paper files."

Jake was a little confused, "are you sure? There are like, hundreds of those. It would take days to get through every single one."

Agent Jareau smiled at him, "trust me, detective, it won't be a problem."

"Okay, okay, okay. You might need to help me carry all of them though."

JJ left with Jake to get the files while Reid stayed behind to work on the profile. About twenty minutes later they were on their fourth time walking back with a stack of files in their arms. In the briefing room dr. Reid was sat behind the piles of paper, flipping through them one by one. Jake put his stack next to the others. "We're almost finished, just a couple of boxes left to go through now", he told the FBI agent. He didn't get a reaction and Jake wondered if Reid had even heard what he said.

Another stroll to the archive room and dozens of files later, Jake sat down on the corner of the desk on which all the paper was lying.

JJ walked in holding another stack, "there only a couple left back there now."

When Jake made an effort to stand up, she stopped him with a friendly smile, "I'll get them."

The detective raised an eyebrow at her, but she had already left the room. Jake decided to take a chair next to agent Reid, who was still going trough the files at an incredibly high speed.  "No offence, but, are you even reading the words?", he asked.

"I am. I can read 20,000 words per minute. It's a method called speed reading where you use scanning and meta guiding to get through the text faster. Scanning is the process where one actively looks for information by organizing information in a visually hierarchical manner that showcases the interrelatedness of the information for better retrievability-", Reid replied, without removing his eyes from the paper once. "- I think I got something."

Jake blinked, surprised by the sudden amount of words spoken, "I've know idea what any of that was what you just said, but that doesn't matter. Show me what you got! -Wait, no", he bit his lip and shook his head, "that sounds wrong. never mind. What did you find?"

Reid seemed unbothered by the other man's comment and slid the file slightly in Jake's direction. He started explained his theory and how the suspect's backstory fit exactly into the preliminary profile they had. After a couple of sentences he began to use terms too complicated for Jake to understand and thus he trailed off. So, Jake let his eyes wander over to take a good look at the agent. Dr. Reid was tall and pretty skinny, which made him appear even taller than he already was. His hands were constantly moving while he was talking, but seemingly without any clear purpose. Speaking of his hands, he had long, elegant fingers that caught Jake's attention when Spencer traced a line on the map. His way of dressing was kind of odd, though. Jake would probably describe it as 'grandpa style', mostly because of the cardigan. The FBI agent was still talking and didn't detect that the other person in the room wasn't listening at all. In the waving of limbs, Jake noticed that Reid wore his watch over his sleeve.

Agent Jareau's entrance made him snap back into reality. "I got the last files. Did you find something?", she asked.

"Actually, yes", dr. Reid began, "I think we need to call Hotch about this. Look."

JJ took the paper Reid handed her and while she was reading it, her eyes widened. She took out her phone and dialed a number.

"Hotch, it's me. Yeah, Reid might've found something. Guy tortured animals almost in the exact same way as the bodies."

Even though he hadn't been paying much attention before, detective Peralta now was curious to see what this was all about. He picked up the file that JJ had put back on the table, flipped through the pages, and immediately regretted it. At the sight of mutilated pets he scrunched up his face and quickly threw the papers away. Dr. Reid noticed and shot him a puzzled glance.

Agent Jareau, who was still on the phone, turned herself to her partner, "call Garcia, we need to know everything there is on this guy."

Reid nodded and got his phone out of his pocket. An old Nokia. Now it was Jake's turn to shoot a glance, who uses those things these days?

"Hey Garcia, I'm gonna put you on speaker, hang on."

Reid's slender fingers clumsily pushed some buttons and he set the phone down on the table. A female voice spoke, "this is the oracle of miracles speaking, talk to me."

"Find out everything you can about a Rob Carrier, he might be the unsub", dr. Reid said.

A faint tapping of keys could be heard from the other side of the line. "Searching... Found it! Robert F. Carrier, born on November 23rd 1987. Works as a janitor at the Feldman Chemistry lab. Was arrested for, oh god, animal torture and has a juvie record for beating up his classmate because, quote "the turd", unquote, stole a pencil from him."

Jake snorted at the choice of words, which caused the others to give him a disapproving look. Spencer turned his attention back to the phone, "did you said Feldman Chemistry? The second victim worked there."

"You're right, Ethel Hall, one of the lead chemist in the lab. She has been working there for twenty years now, recently got another promotion", Garcia said.

"That's a connection and motive. Garcia, can you send us Carrier's-"

"Adress? Yes, already done. Sent it to the others too", she interrupted Reid. "Be safe, babies. Penelope Garcia out." There was a click; Garcia had hung up.

JJ picked her jacket up from the chair it was thrown over and said, "Hotch and Prentiss got quite something out of the dump site, but they can brief us over the phone. We will meet them at Carrier's house, let's go."

Jake pretty much jumped out of his chair, he was way too excited about there finally being some action to care what some FBI agents thought of him. They were staring at him though. "You're the lead investigator on this case, you're supposed to go first. We're only here to assist the police", agent Jareau clarified.

"Right."

[troofless]

Under-appreciated light novels recommendation list, ranked in terms of PLEASE READ, to ehh, I’ll just put it in anyway:

Legend of Sun Knight (Completed Translation+Series): Set in a world of knights and magic, this series is golden comedy because the MC literally carries the plot. He’s smart, snarky and sleazy… but in a good way. I wrote about it here, but this series is for people who love comedy and political-castle-intrigue-level manipulation. ANYWAY PLEASE READ IT IT’S UP THERE ON MY TOP TEN BOOKS TO READ. No anime or manga translation. WHY.

Rakuin no Monshou (Completed Translation): For people who love the switching-the-royal-prince-with-a-body-double trope, political manoeuvring, military tactics, having the main character travel to different countries and exploring their governing system, and major character growth. No ecchi scenes, mentions of sex and rape (if any) are not elaborated on. Love between the MC and the female lead is more of a stranger to mutual respect to love, but since the female lead is literally 14-15 (they’re engaged to foster peace between two countries and not some lolicon thing), there are literally 0 sexy/blushy blushy/kissing/intimacy scenes between them. In the story their relationship feels less like a lovey dovey couple and more like the relationship between two generals that trust each other. This doesn’t have an anime or manga series after it. Why.

Only Sense Online (Ongoing Translation, Ongoing Series): Unlike the recent isekai and trapped-in-an-online-game-and-if-you-die-in-the-game-you-die-for-realsies trends that are going around right now, this is just a game where the MC has fun playing a normal VRMMO and makes new friends in it. …In fact, the MC isn’t an otaku or a game maniac, his sister and childhood friend are the ones crazy about levelling up and doing all the main subjugation-monster quests and everything, he’s more of the chill type who’d rather hang back and craft stuff to sell in his shop. He likes doing things at his own pace and learning how to craft new things in his own time. Instead of battling monsters and levelling up, he’s more likely to be seen harvesting items and mining rocks. Oh, and also at the start of the game he mis-clicked and is stuck in a female avatar, and combined with his mothering, take-care-of-everyone personality, everyone treats him like like a ‘nanny’ and is in awe of his ‘moe-ness’, even though he keeps insisting he’s a guy. One of the story’s underlying message is that different people have different ways of enjoying the same game, be it doing quests in a party, creating items to support players, roleplaying, and even PKing, and that’s okay because that’s what a game is for. No angst or permanent character deaths (it is a game after all), tis for warming your heart with the sheer sunny goodness that is the MC. No ecchi. Has an ongoing manga series, but no anime.

Hidan no Aria (Ongoing Translation, Completed Series): MC goes to a 'military’ school that trains students to be armed detectives, or as they say, ‘Butei’ (Busou Tantei). Think mercenaries. Female MC is a OP genius and major tsundere, only out-shadowed by our MC. MC considers himself weak, and because of his genes, his innate OP powers is only triggered when a certain condition is met: aka when he is sexually aroused. (Insert sexy times.) In this mode he doesn’t get flashy superpowers or anything (at least, by the world’s standard) — all it does it accelerate his brain’s thought process, but it gets so OP to the point where can deflect bullets with his own bullets and slice bullets in two with his knife. OP God Mode. This trigger also turns him into a major flirt and gigolo that can’t say no to a girl, which caused him to actively seek to avoid situations where he is in close contact with girls to prevent being triggered. Has a ‘harem’ of girls if you wanna call it that way, but even though the story is halfway translated as of now, it’s obvious he’s fallen for the main female lead. You’d only want to read this story to find out the next BS thing the MC does when he’s triggered, and it can only get higher and higher. Seriously, the moment where he catches a bullet in his teeth (way later in the story) gives you the best feeling ever. To put it in the Female MC’s words: "How about that rating, Kinji? Being classed by the world as a dangerous character who fights non-humans? Tell me how do you like that?” And his words: "–I’m a senior high school student. My grades are slightly below average, and I attend a violent school.”, and his monologue: [At least that was what I want to be. Honestly…] Had a 2011 anime and ongoing manga series, as well as a Yuri spinoff series (as per the usual anime law decreeing that all spinoffs have to have Yuri plot in them, see Soul Eater and Fate Prisma).

Baka to Test to Shoukanjuu (Completed Translation + Series): Idiots doing idiotic things in school. Interesting battle system, with loads of comedy. Loads. Of. Comedy. No ecchi scenes. Had an two-season anime series in 2010 and 2011, and a manga series.

Chrome Shelled Regios (Completed Translation + Series): Main character is OP but gets debuffed at the very start, tries to restart his life as a normal person but realises that his innate talent for fighting doesn’t allow him to. Has many female love interests but at the end MC only chooses one. ‘Magic’ system works a little differently from conventional sources, nearing more to martial arts style, and telekinesis-telepathy combination rather than enchanting-spell type. What else can I say other than the MC controls a weapon made of thousands of infinitely thin and sharp wires that he uses to slice bugs (the main enemy) up with... which is so badass. (Though his main weapon is a sword.) No ecchi scenes. The sideplot about ‘fate’ and the history of the setting gets a little confusing though. This had an anime, but since the director died right before the 2009 anime ended it’s unlikely that a second season will come out. It does have a manga side plot series that is completed and a great accompaniment to the main light novel.

CubexCursedxCurious (Completed Translation + Series): MC lives in a house that is apparently so holy that cursed weapons journey there to get purified and lift their cursed. Oh yeah, and some cursed weapons can turn into people too (Soul Eater style?). Wielding the weapons will obviously give you great power, but it also has serious drawbacks, e.g. A sword cursed to be able to slice through anything, drawback is that their owner will be consumed by bloodlust and is compelled to draw blood with that sword (in other words, the old regular cursed sword rule). MC is of course immune to curses (and so he can wield that sword) because he was born in that holy place. Female lead is originally a torture device made of 32 different torture tools, including Iron Maiden, Guillotine, Pendulum, etc. Literally the first scene is the female lead found naked (since her real form is a mcfreaking cube I would not be surprised) in the MC’s kitchen looking for food to eat so let there be a representative of the subsequent ecchi scenes to be found. The cursed tool system is cool, anyway. MC doesn’t end up with anyone is particular. Plus point: Not all female characters introduced are in love with the male MC. Just three (3) girls. Also, the second light novel doesn’t feature the ‘second’ heroine’s backstory arc like a lot of light novels do... but instead a couple of a girl and a genderfluid character. Cool stuff. Had a 2011 anime and (very behind) manga series.

Other more well known ones:

Mahou Shoujo Ikusei Keikaku (Up to Date Translation, Ongoing Series): Think Battle Royale x Danganronpa x the Mahou Shoujo Trope. Lots of blood and death, so don’t bother if you don’t want to see your favourite character die/put through lots of angst and depression. Each Magical Girl has different superpowers and you’d only want to read it in hopes of seeing your favourite character live to the end/have a cool death scene/have cool action scenes in general. One of the underlying themes was that it’s not a given that powerful people will always win; the strong can be overthrown by the weak (I can think of at least two occasions), a person can win a killing game without any blood on their hands, and the magical government is pretty much corrupt. Had a recent 2016 anime series and a manga series.

Hyouka (Up to Date Translation and Series): Based on Agatha Christie stories, think mysteries but without any actual murder.

And then I’ll throw in a few English books to show that I have good taste in books:

Captive Prince by CS Pacat: Gayyyyy + lots of politics. THE ROMANCE THOUGH.... enemies to tentative friends to hostile ‘ah we’re supposed to be on opposing sides as enemies of each other’s nation’ to lovers YEAAHHHHHHH. Some parts are explicit, yeah.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan: MC was dragged into a magical military academy in a magical land to be a child soldier, but instead of being typical Harry Potter he is snarky, sarcastic and actually raises valid questions like why the heck are they raising child soldiers??? Bisexual icon male MC who is also a pacifist I love him he must be protected

Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein: War story narrated by a spy who was caught by enemy soldiers and forced to reveal her state secrets in the form of written narrative. Mystery and unreliable narrator time! If you can survive the first few draggy chapters and then a little more the reveal is SO. REWARDING. Female MC.

Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett: I tried recommending this to my friend and sadly I realised that if you have no background knowledge on Christianity and what the apocalypse details you may not find this interesting. It’s a shame because it’s so funny. EDIT: I’m so glad it got a TV series??? That means more people will read the book, which is amazing, right??? 

The Sherwood Ring by Elizabeth Marie Pope: Female MC and the story of her ancestor’s romances (think short story-style but all connected together). Straight romance. Female MC.

Any book by Brandon Sanderson: Yes. Just… yes.

Summers at Castle Auburn by Sharon Shinn: A bastard girl stays in the castle with her royal relatives for the summer. (If you’re wondering there is discrimination against her as a commoner but overall she is loved by her family there.) Somehow the only page I have bookmarked in this book is the part near the end where the MC commits royal crimes, and is slapped by the king, giving the reader no small amount of satisfaction. Fantasy-style with small amount of political intrigue, female MC is a apprentice hedgewitch so she knows herbal knowledge (which is a prominent part of the book when she uses it?). Anyway, please read.

A Posse of Princesses by Sherwood Smith: Female princess MC is invited to a large one week (?) party with the other country’s princes and princesses to celebrate this big county’s prince’s great birthday or smth. Some political intrigue and also great plot twist. At the end of it I got really invested in the romance between the side characters bc they were really well developed lol..

The Queen’s Thief Series by Megan Whalen Turner: The third book is my favourite book because I love the MC (Costis!!!!!), bless his innocent soul (COSTIS!!!!!!) caught up in the nefarious plots of the first book MC. Little romance and more of political plots.

Warriors by Erin Hunter: I had to include at least one joke book and this was it. Anyway this was the series I grew up reading, honestly the third series had the best MC in the blind, grumpy, no-nonsense healer who is so refreshingly different from a normal ‘hero archetype’ MC. (*whisper* You gotta talk about the furries, troof!) Oh. Oh yeah, they’re all cats.

[luffik]

Eyes of the Swarm - Lore pt. 5 (Goodnight Sweet God)

This post is a part of Eyes of the Swarm, my and @zlukaka​’s visual novel in development. Comments/inquiries on this will be totally make our day!

Continued from the fourth lore post <3. If you’re just starting - go here (all this is still taking place before the beginning of the game, a sort of backstory).

With the rise of the Swarm’s avatar duo, came a relatively quiet time for the homeworld. It wasn’t really that the Realmsguard and the Swarm managed to settle into a peaceful arrangement but rather that Vra and Otto had their hands full trying to get their empire back in check after years of Kron’s messy rule. The outer realm agents of the Swarm had always been running wild, but even more of the Swarm’s realmshifters deserted into other worlds after catching the news of the previous ruler’s downfall. Vra and Otto would have probably been unable to sort it out if not for Kron’s Spymaster and his well established network of spies and informants in this world and others. The Spymaster had always liked Otto’s way of conducting business and so now, out of respect for the man, he agreed to support the new Emperor.

The access to shadowy intel of all kinds allowed Vra to nip most of domestic riots in the bud as well as find and execute those agents who decided to play gods in other worlds. The new avatars went mostly after realmshifters with possibly threatening agendas, ignoring the less inventive deserters, who simply went into hiding somewhere. They knew they would get them sooner or later - once killed in other dimension, they were bound to eventually respawn at the headquarters.

Although the Swarm forces seemed to be more vulnerable at that time and for the first time in history the Realmsguard saw the possible opening to strike the hive of the divine creatures that stood behind the enemy’s might - the Swarm itself - they did not take that chance. Those creatures, Terry claimed, were not their enemy. They didn’t deserve to be destroyed but rather, given a chance to experience the world, to learn the concept of good from evil. Like he had.

But since no plan for that crystallized at that point, the moment was lost. Instead, the Realmsguard took that time to build more bastions, and reinforce their defences. They roamed other worlds in search of more resources. Terry gently suggested that it would be good to help Vra and Otto with tracking down the run-away realmshifters and bringing them back to the homeworld. Indeed, Belgar and Nathan thought it was prudent, as they understood that the performance of their realmshifting system and the Swarm’s system was somehow connected.

They didn’t imagine just to what extent that was true. The realmshifting and resurrection systems used by the Realmsguard and the Swarm were not only connected, but also hinging on the same power source. Terry.

The god never told them. He was pretty confident he’s managing it all quite well. Until one day, Terry, who had since mostly moved to a separate body, felt sudden weakness. Muttering that he needed to take a short nap, he collapsed where he stood. He never woke up.

Later on it turned out that at that time, some of the realmshifters had for the first time crossed into a dimension where time flowed differently, and that was the speculative event that ‘overloaded’ Terry.

A small ceremony was held, where Belgar and Nathan made the heartbreaking announcement, assuring the Realmsguard that their god was not dead, merely sleeping - as although their mind-link with Terry had been broken, they retained their powers, and the resurrection and realmshifting system continued to work, proving that in some way, Terry was still with them. They swore that they would keep fighting, and they would find a way to wake Terry up. After that, they stayed with Terry for long hours, still unable to believe what happened. They would come to visit their god everyday.

Years passed. The loss of Terry slowly sank in.

They tried many ways to wake him up (including a risky move of detaching all the Realmsguard from the resurrection system for a while), but all of them failed.

The Swarm did not use the opportunity to strike the Realmsguard at its most vulnerable moments, but that was about how nice Vra and Otto were willing to play. With their empire rebuilt and strengthened with slaves and resources from other worlds, they were ready to fight for dominance over the homeworld and other realms. They grew bold, the Realmsguard retaliated, and so the old permanent conflict was reignited.

The difference was that this time, if things went way too far, there was a chance the enemy could be reasoned with.

Aside from the usual politics, Belgar and Otto still kept in touch in a less official capacity and although their encounters were still conducted in secret, one could risk calling those meetings... actually friendly.

Nathan and Vra had also retained their acquaintance, to the degree of establishing a secret phone line that neither Belgar nor Otto was supposed to know about (both did of course, and both had it tapped to make sure Vra and Nathan wouldn’t babble out something strategic). It was supposed to be mostly scientific at first (not really helping the enemy with inventions, but just two nerds talking) but throughout the years it grew to serve other purposes too.

Centuries passed and slowly, the Realmsguard gave up hope of ever waking Terry up. Belgar and Nathan grew apathetic and with time withdrew from active duty, letting the new high command take over the Realmsguard. At first they used to be present at the councils that determined the direction of their politics, but after a while they trusted that to the new generation as well. And so, Belgar and Nathan retired, and although they still live in the central sky bastion, they seem to have aged, mentally at least, and avoid people whenever they can. 

They are still asked to come out of their cosy hiding to give a speech or two or simply to inspire morale with their legendary presence from time to time, but all in all, they are just relics of the past.

It seems the Realmsguard is coping just fine without them.

While the top tiers of the Realmsguard suffered from reshuffling, the Swarm did not change much. Otto and Vra held onto their power throughout the centuries, bickering at each other as much as ever. 

Even though they surrounded themselves with people they think they can trust, every now and then there is a situation where Vra’s power is questioned and Otto has to rescue him from having his ass handed back to him; help which Vra always fails to acknowledge. 

Vra gave up on some of his imperial ambitions, and enjoys the rather mild status quo they managed to work out. The life of an Emperor is a fine one, even if you’re stuck with an old bald guy with a creaky old-man voice, who you would do completely fine without.

The Swarm rulers still try to tease those fossils, Belgar and Nathan, into some contact from time to time but it’s harder than ever, because of how purposeless and old the founders of the Realmsguard feel and because of the new command trying to dissuade them from ‘fraternizing with the enemy’, claiming it would be demoralizing for the Realmsguard recruits, should they ever find out.

And so it is in the homeworld these days. Terry is still sleeping, Belgar and Nathan retired, Vra is holding onto his throne, and Otto occasionally goes into the Swarm hive to bring some vague guidelines so that they can keep improvising. Swarm spies infiltrated the Realmsguard, the Realmsguard spies infiltrated the Swarm, everyone is keeping an eye on each other, and no one makes any big moves. 

Some people say there is a vigilante who hunts down the runaway Swarm realmshifters between dimensions in hopes that Terry would wake up when all the portals between the worlds have been sealed. They say the mask this almost legendary figure wears resembles Terry’s face.

And here, the game will begin ;3

Thank you for reading! If you got this far, please tell us what you think! It will totally make our day and motivate us to keep working :3

And if anything made you curious to know more - please ask, we’d love to answer your questions (possibly with some pictures too) <3!

[rickktish]

Necessity is the mother of invention, and therefore nothing calls to the creative mind quite so strongly as that which has been left half-formed and abandoned, where it seems just a few touches more will shape it into something that makes actual sense. Every concept in Naruto is like this: given a good base, but left abandoned after that with the hope that “it looks like a backstory, it sounds like a backstory, it probably fills in enough holes to cover any questions left, yes?”

And I do mean every. single. concept. I challenge you to find a single thing in the Naruto world, whether it be a character backstory or a piece of lore or some fundamental worldbuilding piece like the very nature of the hidden villages that isn’t  missing major, key parts to make it actually make sense. 

Tech? whacked. Government and economy? what the fuck. Education system? ...how? History? uhhh... lemme try to do some math-- nope, nothing fits quite right. Physics? I mean... no. Just no.

It’s not just that it’s a near hit-and-miss perfect story. It’s that literally everything in it is so close and they all miss so very narrowly. Every piece of the Narutoverse exhibits the very necessity that leads to the greatest of inventions.

The problem is thus:

There are two parts to any science: the what and the why.

what happens in Gravity?

Things go down.

why do things go down?

Matter is attracted to matter. (this is an extreme simplification, don’t kill me please)

So let’s try applying this to Narutoverse lore:

what does chakra do in the body?

it moves around natural currents within the body, based in the tenketsu points demonstrated in lovely, clear diagram by Byakugan Vision.

why does chakra do this in the body?

a/nLWJF,M .err Kishimoto.exe has stopped report probleal;kdn,gasmakdjfh A goddess with bunny ears ate a magic fruit and there was this tree from space and 

that. That is the problem. Kishimoto is very, very good at the what. He gives us diagrams, he gives us explanations, he shows us how the magic moves. Do you know how many authors show us how the magic moves? like, Kishimoto, Terry Pratchett, and maybe like two others. We’re lowly readers, we don’t get to see how magic moves, we just need to see that it does. And the fact that he lets us see it happen? is epic and gives us the foundation we need to turn it into the D&D sandbox arena described by @ghostlykaijutsu above. 

And the characters only make it better!

Kishimoto has what is, while perhaps not a unique problem to his work alone, certainly the most rampant and well-known example of it in the world of media: too many characters with well-developed stories and personalities and not nearly enough time to explore them. Even the undeveloped ones have just enough information that the fandom has been able to make them into real people. Izumo and Kotetsu? If you’ve been in the fandom for at least long enough to read the manga, even if you never learned their names in the actual work, you know that they’re the gate guards and are best friends and probably gay for each other. Either way one does not exist without the other. Raido and Genma just kind of go together, who even knows why. Genma sucks on senbon, and is therefore probably a precision poison specialist. Heck, we’ve made up stories about Kakashi’s dogs and had them become generally accepted as fanon (fandom canon, we can’t even tell if it was in the original work anymore because everyone just knows it’s true). And let’s not even get started on the female characters, who have very clear RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS OF POWER and also personalities but no backstories whatsoever so we just?? don’t?? know?? why?? As a fan, How in Fuck do you expect me to leave that untapped? You can’t reasonably imagine we’re just going to let that go.

Kishimoto’s work is singular in just how near a miss his near miss is. A lot of works have everything right but there are just one or two pieces that ruin it. That’s the typical work; everyone has a complaint about at least one thing, even in their absolute favorite media in the world. Kishimoto broke that stereotype by getting absolutely everything to where it’s fascinating, dynamic, effective-- but rather than having one point that screws it up, literally everything is just slightly... skewed. Off-kilter. He didn’t just have the work as a whole come close, every aspect of it is so well developed and clearly put that the glaring holes become discombobulating. It’s like looking at a copy of an Escher painting where instead of reconnecting, the lines have been left just a little bit too long and go off to one side just slightly, or a replica of Van Gogh’s Starry Night where the yellows are just barely too green and the blue is less than half a shade too light and the whole thing has been twisted, ever so slightly, to the left at the top so there’s an awkward white space on one edge of the canvas that only goes halfway down. It doesn’t make sense; how can it be so good, so close to being good, and manage to fall short at just the last minute?

That’s why we keep coming back to Naruto. We love to fix broken things, and there’s nothing so attractive as that which declares it’s wholeness with a bright “dattebayo!!” and tries so badly to hide it’s broken bits behind animal masks without changing hairstyles at all. Some part of ourselves keeps believing: If I read it just once more, if I look just a little harder, ther must be some kind of sense hidden in here; but it keeps falling short. It keeps being broken, and it’s so close, we find that we all just have this need, this urge...

to fix it.

we’re all sensible people. we’ve all seen good anime with good writing, with good characters, with strong female characters having moving stories. they have all the good things that we look for in a story. so why. why does it always come back to fuckin naruto

[ciathyzareposts]

Crusaders of the Dark Savant: Summary and Rating

Kind-of a weird image choice for the box. Is that supposed to be one of the “maps”?

          Wizardry: Crusaders of the Dark Savant

(Generally known as Wizardry VII but never called that in the game or documentation)

United States

Sir-Tech Software (developer and publisher)

Released in 1992 for DOS, 1994 for FM Towns and PC-98, 1995 for Playstation, 1996 for SEGA Saturn; re-released in 1996 for Windows and Macintosh as Wizardry Gold

Date Started: 20 August 2018 Date Ended: 2 December 2018

Total Hours: 108

Difficulty: Moderate (3/5)

Final Rating: (to come later)

Ranking at Time of Posting: (to come later)

In my many entries on Crusaders of the Dark Savant, I’ve painted it as a game that tells a mediocre story, does so ineptly, and usually doesn’t take its own story seriously–at least not until the end, when it becomes almost comically full of pathos. It also has a way of feeding the player over-wrought prose, often one line at a time, multiple times, with no way to escape. I hold to these criticisms as we enter this final summary, but as in the case of many other games we’ve seen on the blog–the Ultima series primary among them–my criticisms have to be understood in the context of the fact that few other games of the era offered enough of a story to make such criticisms possible. A game that offers no backstory offers nothing to make fun of. One that puts itself out there with a detailed backstory and complex plot offers dozens of things to react to.

I don’t apologize for a blog whose purpose is to chronicle these reactions, from the perspective of a modern player, but I do apologize if I don’t put sufficient context around my criticisms, or if I don’t balance them by highlighting the positive content and mechanics of the game. Looking over my previous entries on Crusaders, I don’t think I conveyed often enough that even though I had some issues with some of the storytelling and other content, those reactions were in the context of a title that kept me up all night playing. Even in the “game world and story” category, Crusaders is going to perform well.            

One of the more broadly-drawn and poorly-explained factions in the game.

          Part of my reaction to the plot is personal preference. I will always prefer the low-key, locally-relevant story to the world-threatening catastrophe. Give me the party trying to clear out the slums of New Phlan instead of the one trying to save the universe. You think that higher stakes might make a more epic game, but I find that the opposite is true–that there’s more opportunity for deeper and more realistic characterizations of people and places when the scope of the game is smaller. The Fallout games all do a good job in this regard. None of them invite you to save the world from a nuclear war. You just get to make your little corner of the world a little better.

In this case, though, the nature of the threat isn’t even really clear, partly because the characterizations of key NPCs are so thin. Who is the Dark Savant? Where does he come from? What are his motivations? Again, what the game gives us is, unquestionably, better than the standard “evil wizard” with no background who appears in 90% of the games before this one. But in some ways that just makes this experience all the more unsatisfying.              

Is it a time for a new purpose, or a new perception of purpose?

           Nothing in the game is more frustrating than the character of Vi Domina. She shows up in the backstory, scantily-clad, sporting a mechanical arm and visor, like someone’s cyberpunk cosplay fantasy. When she finally appears late in the game, she’s more of a naif than someone whose name all but demands that you add a “trix” to the end. You’re told repeatedly that she’s a “warrior,” but she never seems to fight anything. For the final chapter, she’s everywhere, and and the game trips over itself telling how how awesome she is and how much you love her. Literally some of the last lines tell how you “are pleased to be in the company of such a pleasant traveling companion and new partner.” I don’t like it when games tell me what my characters think, especially when they haven’t earned that right by giving me any insight into the character’s backstory or motivations.              

This is laying it on a little thick.

             The story is attributed to David Bradley, although I don’t know how much of it is wholly his creation. It’s no secret that I had a near-immediate negative reaction to Bradley when I first started playing Wizardry VI, what with the ridiculous photograph and cringe-worthy interview that appeared in the game’s cluebook, plus his insistence on dropping his name on literally every page and calling the game a “fantasy role-playing simulation.” Too much authorial presence breaks the fundamental illusion of a game, book, or even a blog. I’ve run afoul of this myself. Audiences want to be able to take what they read seriously, authoritatively, and they can’t if they feel that someone ridiculous is feeding them the story. (I often wonder how many readers Terry Goodkind lost by putting this picture on his books.) I realized writing this that I have no idea what specific individuals to credit for most of my favorite RPGs, like Baldur’s Gate and Morrowind, and perhaps that’s a good thing.

But it’s worth remembering that I had issues with Bradley even before I knew who he was, with the absurd NPCs in Wizardry V (e.g., the Duck of Sparks, Lord Hienmiety, the god La-La and his priest G’Bli Gedook). Bradley is fond of broad humor–the type that that favors ridiculous names with long o sounds (“Phoonzang,” “Bambiphoots”) or puns (“Ratsputin,” “Blienmeis”) that most of us grow out of by age 10. I’m sure he had a clear idea in his own mind about the Dark Savant and his Mary Sue Domina, but I don’t think he conveyed their story competently.             

And it begins.

          Having said all of that, it’s important to keep in mind that in my complaints, I’m evaluating Crusaders against a modern game, or an “ideal” game, rather than other 1992 games. Compared to its own contemporaries, there’s no question that Crusaders deserves a high score in the “game world” category. More important, it deserves high scores in the equipment, combat, and character development categories. The mechanics of the game are excellent. The worst thing Bradley could have done when taking over the series was to jettison the approach to combat introduced in the first Wizardry, but he did a good job keeping its fundamental tactics alive. He, or someone, deserves credit for perfectly balancing the “rest” system. If it had restored everything, as it does in Might and Magic, the game would have been far too easy and all the challenge would have come down to individual battles. If they’d made you return to a central location to restore spells and health, as in the first five games, extended expeditions would have been a nightmare. As they programmed it, resting restores just enough hit points and spell points to keep you going, but it takes just long enough, and offers just enough chance for random encounters, that you’re discouraged from abusing it.

Character classes are well-differentiated, and the system of switching between them is well-balanced enough to offer rewards for switching but equal rewards for staying. (Perhaps putting a maximum on the number of times you can switch, or the lowest level at which you can switch, would have been a good idea.) Character development is constant and rewarding throughout the long game. The equipment system is equally solid.

I’m on the fence about certain aspects of the game world and quest. In general, I favor open game worlds with nonlinear narratives, and even games where the main quest itself is something of a mystery. Crusaders checks all those boxes. It also deserves credit for making its game world somewhat dynamic, with roaming NPCs who engage in (off-screen) conflicts with each other and sometimes (often, in my case) find key treasures before the party does.            

The “Locate Person” spell helps keep tabs on constantly-shifting NPCs.

         On the other hand, I wouldn’t have minded if the game had offered a little more guidance on the main quest, particularly in respect to the 11 “maps” that become the focus of the exploration and quests. (I put that in quotes because they’re not really maps at all, but texts.) I was deep into the game before it became clear that assembling the set of maps was the primary goal of exploration. Just a few lines in the manual or in-game backstory would have cleared up a lot of confusion.

Hardcore Gaming 101 has an excellent paragraph that describes some of the negative aspects of the open game world:           

The game is entirely non-linear, and upon landing the player doesn’t even get a clue what to do first. Even though most areas are effectively locked off due to being inhabited by far too strong monsters, the game is always dominated by a crushing feeling of being lost. The world is full of items that absolutely have to be kept, remembered, and recognized for puzzles somewhere at the other end of the world, dozens of gameplay hours later. Many puzzles aren’t necessarily all that hard on their own, it’s just that the ingredients are spread out too far, and the hints are often obscure, if there are any hints at all.

            But it’s again important to remember that Crusaders was pioneering new territory here. Only a few games prior to it were as physically large, long, and complicated, and the developers didn’t have a lot of good examples to draw upon for balancing such a large world and complex plot. In the end, I’m grateful that Crusaders advanced the importance of detailed stories, NPC interaction, side-quests, sub-quests, and player choices. As such, I would be surprised if the GIMLET didn’t put the game in the top 5. Let’s see:

1. Game world and story. Crusaders offers a detailed backstory that plays a significant role in the game itself. There are multiple factions with their own characteristics and motivations, history, and lore. The characters’ actions visibly affect the world, and the game is one of a rare few in which some events happen dynamically, without the player’s input. There are aspects of each of these elements to criticize, but I’ve mostly done that enough. Score: 7.

2. Character creation and development. Mechanically, the game’s approach is about as good as any game on the market. It has a full set of race choices, class choices, attributes, and skills, several magic systems, and meaningful inventory restrictions by race and class. (I think some of the races are stupid, but that’s a minor concern.) Different selections create different experiences for different players. The ability to switch classes, while perhaps unbalancing the game a bit, adds additional dimensions to character development. Development is regular and rewarding throughout the game.

On the negative side, the classes and races really don’t play any meaningful role in the game, at least not in a way that was clear to me. Certain skills are useless or mostly useless, and I don’t think the game gained anything by dividing skills into multiple categories. Score: 7.            

Defeating the Dark Savant kicked everyone up a level.

           3. NPC interaction. I actually think the series took a step backward here. In the system introduced in Wizardry V and included in VI, characters can have full-sentence dialogues with NPCs, but the previous games seemed to offer a more sophisticated interpreter in which full sentences were actually necessary. Phrasing things as statements or questions, even with the same keywords, might produce different results. Here, the game just seems to scan for keywords regardless of their positions in the sentence or the surrounding text, and I offered a few joking screenshots along those lines.

Having said that, I don’t really mind this “dumbing down” of dialogue, since it was always frustrating to figure out exactly how to phrase a question to get an intended result. What I do mind is that the NPCs respond to a lot fewer keywords than their Cosmic Forge counterparts while simultaneously tripling their dialogue quantity. They are also a lot goofier and thus less realistic.

Back on the positive side, I like the way NPCs roam around and engage in conflict with each other, and I wish the game had done more with this, offering more reasons to seek out, track down, and ally with (or oppose) various NPCs. Instead, since encountering NPCs is non-optional and results in pages of unskippable and unvarying dialogue, the game effectively encourages the player to simply kill everyone.

The end result of the goofy names and characterizations and long-winded introductory dialogue, there wasn’t a single NPC in the game that I actually liked. That’s particularly too bad given that, mechanically, the game supports fairly deep interactions with its NPCs. Score: 6.           

One of the game’s goofy NPCs responds solely to the word “archives.”

            4. Encounters and foes. The foes are mostly originally-named, which in this case is a negative because most of the names are silly. I didn’t like that so many enemies used the same graphics and were thus difficult to distinguish, even though their strengths and weaknesses might vary considerably. On the other hand, the bestiary is satisfyingly large, with enough strengths and weaknesses among them to create different tactical challenges.

Non-combat encounters were plentiful and engaging, and while they didn’t offer a lot of opportunities for role-playing, many of them provided challenges of satisfying difficulty. Score: 6.

5. Magic and combat. The magic and combat system continue to be the primary strengths of the series, and as I said above, Bradley deserves a lot of credit for adapting rather than replacing the system introduced over a decade prior. The various spells and enemy characteristics come together to create a near-infinite number of tactical choices, but everything is exquisitely balanced.

I see that in my GIMLET for Bane of the Cosmic Forge, more than five years ago, while giving the combat system a high score, I said I was “past the whole ‘line up your attacks and execute them all at once’ system.” I understand what I meant, favoring more tactical combat screens like those used in the Gold Box games, and anticipating more real-time (but no less tactical) combat as in Might and Magic III. Still, it was a short-sighted statement. Crusaders proves there was still life in the old system. Score: 7.            

I’m not sure I used “parry” once in the entire game.

          6. Equipment. My primary quibble here is that the game only gives you one “accessory” slot, and you find so many rings, necklaces, capes, belts, and similar items that it’s constantly torturous to choose among them. I also continue to dislike the identification system of the series. I don’t mind so much the process of casting “Identify” to view an items characteristics, but I rather wish that having done so, I could simply view the item in the future to remind myself of those characteristics, not have to cast the spell again. It makes evaluating multiple items a time-consuming, spell-point consuming chore.

But overall, the game does a good job here. There is a such a variety of weapons of different types and ranges, armor (helms, upper body, lower body, gloves, boots), and usable items that almost every treasure chest offers something useful. What I particularly like is that the selection of items in chests (and, to a lesser extent, on dead enemies) is mostly randomized. I hate when the same artifacts appear in the same locations for every player. Score: 6.

7. Economy. I didn’t talk about it much during my entries, but it’s not very good. The primary problem is that “stores” are mixed up with NPCs, and there simply aren’t enough of them selling enough useful stuff. You mostly end up selling rather than buying, amassing a huge amount of gold before the end, and spending most of it on plot-specific purchases (like ascending in the Dane Tower or buying your way into the Umpani legions) rather than equipment. I would have appreciated more places to spend gold and a less-cumbersome purchasing system. Score: 3.            

I ended the game with far too much money and not nearly enough things to spend it on.

            8. Quests. With a main quest with not only multiple endings but multiple beginnings, faction options, and numerous side-quests and sub-quests (although it’s not always clear which is which), it’s hard to ask for more in this category except for better writing and greater complexity, both of which later games would offer thanks to titles like Crusaders setting the standard. Score: 8.

9. Graphics, Sound, and Interface. Perhaps the weakest category in my opinion. The graphics are certainly improved from previous titles in the series, but they’re still just textures. While many of the monster animations are fine, I wasn’t in love with anything else. Sound effects were at best adequate, at worst annoying (e.g., the continual background droning), and since they slowed down the game so much, I turned them off halfway through.

It’s tough to write a good interface in a game of this complexity, and while I eventually got used to it, there were aspects that bothered me until the end, including poor use of the keyboard, inability to switch between characters while in sub-menus, limited scope of the automap, lack of any way to determine coordinates, inability to skip text you’d already seen a million times, and a lot of unintuitive commands. Score: 3.

10. Gameplay. We get to end the GIMLET on a positive. Crusaders is the first truly non-linear Wizardry, and it’s about as nonlinear as you can get (even the starting and ending locations can vary) except that the so-called “outdoor” world is still pretty confining and there’s a bit of frustration involved in simply getting from once place to another. The faction options, ending options, and different experiences afforded to different character classes make it highly replayable. Its difficulty is pitched perfectly, and even adjustable.

Although it avoided the worst flaws of long games, such as artificial level caps and a general feeling that characters stopped developing, 100+ hours is still far too long. I don’t mind games with optional content that push past the 100-hour mark, but otherwise I feel that a game is becoming indecent if it exceeds a couple of work weeks. Score: 7.

That gives us a final score of 60, tying it for the sixth-highest rating on my blog so far, seven points higher than Wizardry VI. As much fun as I’ve made of David Bradley, the inescapable result of his involvement with the series is that it kept improving–in sharp contrast to a lot of series of the era that, while advancing in superficial elements like graphics and sound, struggled to out-perform their first installments in core RPG mechanics.

             “True point & click mouse interface.” Ugh. Eventually games will come full circle and say things like, “Makes effective use of the full keyboard.”

               Contemporary reviews were universally positive, although some reviewers complained about over-length, interface issues, and too much backtracking. In the February 1993 Computer Gaming World, Scorpia called it “the first Wizardry that has a real-world feel to it,” praising its various factions and roaming NPCs, but sharply criticizing the backtracking that the game requires, including my complaints about having to leave the Isle of Crypts multiple times. The magazine was a bit more positive when it gave the game “RPG of the Year” (for 1993). It is of course extremely well-respected today, with numerous fan sites, analyses, and retrospectives.               

“One day” being nine years from now.

             Wizardry 8 didn’t come out for nine years, and I can’t possibly close this entry without talking a little bit about what happened in between. (Whatever I think of David W. Bradley as a storyteller, he comes across as the least reprehensible party in the mess that followed.) As with many things involving multiple perspectives, it’s hard to glean the raw truth about some of the issues, but I’ve done my best to summarize as best I understand it. Primary sources include a 2014 Matt Barton interview with Robert Sirotek, a 1997 New York Supreme Court decision, and a 1998 Usenet thread now archived by Google Groups.

While Crusaders of the Dark Savant was still under development, Wizardry series co-creator Andrew Greenberg–who had become an intellectual property attorney in the meantime–sued Sir-Tech Software for breach of contract. His cause seems to me to be legitimate. In 1991, Sir-Tech closed its development shop in New York and transferred its assets to Sir-Tech Canada. Its position was apparently that because Sir-Tech Canada was a different company than the New York Sir-Tech, its contract with Greenberg was now void, and they stopped sending checks, despite the fact that they continued to market and sell Wizardry titles in the United States and the same principals owned both companies.

However, in filing suit, Greenberg for some reason named Bradley, who had no ownership stake in Sir-Tech, as one of the co-defendants. Both Bradley and Sir-Tech balked at the inclusion of Bradley, and Sir-Tech later argued, in a counter-suit, that Greenberg’s suit had ruined Bradley’s productivity and caused a one-year delay in Crusaders of the Dark Savant (it had original been planned for a holiday 1991 release). A 1997 New York court decision on the issue would later find that:

           [C]ontemporaneous memoranda do not indicate that Bradley was ever unable to work and, in fact, make absolutely no reference to the Federal court action. In sharp contrast to the position taken in Sir-Tech’s complaint, these writings provide persuasive evidence that the sheer magnitude of the Crusaders project, programming and operating system problems and, quite possibly, Sir-Tech’s own impatience and interference, were the major causes for the delay, which extended for a full year beyond the September 1, 1991 deadline and, in fact, approximately six months beyond the dismissal of the Federal court action.

             The documents I reviewed suggest that Sir-Tech did their best to keep Bradley out of the legal mess and to cover any of his legal expenses, but you can see how it would be hard to maintain good working relationships in such an environment, and after the publication of Crusaders, Bradley left the company in a “falling out” that I haven’t seen otherwise specified.

        The lawsuits, counter-suits, and appeals wouldn’t be settled until 2005, two years after even Sir-Tech Canada closed its doors for good. But these legal straits may explain why Sir-Tech decided to keep further development of the Wizardry franchise as far away from the jurisdiction of U.S. courts as possible. They asked their Australian distributor, Directsoft, to put together a team. Directsoft responded by assembling a group so comically inept that it’s almost as if they wanted the project to fail. The project head was a sound editor-cum-film director who had never (as far as I can tell) managed the development of a computer game before. No one on the initial staff knew much of anything about programming. After months of producing nothing but maps and lewd monster graphics, the team finally hired a couple of programmers. These included Cleveland Mark Blakemore, who by his own account tried his best to turn the documents into an actual program but ultimately got frustrated by the ineptitude of his colleagues and repeatedly tried to quit.     In 1994, sensing the project had become a money pit, Sir-Tech canceled further work on what would have been Wizardry: Stones of Arnhem. This might have been a wise move for thematic reasons, too: nothing about the game, as far as I can tell from the documentation, suggests it would have been a sequel to Crusaders. In the Barton interview, Sirotek even suggests it may not have gotten the Wizardry label.

               A map from the development of Stones of Arnhem. Oddly, most of the major locations named on the map are real place names in Australia.

             Blakemore is himself a controversial figure whose accounts of working on Stones of Arnhem were doubted for years until a stash of Sir-Tech documents emerged in an abandoned storage locker in the town where Sir-Tech had its headquarters, not only confirming his employment but also largely his account of why the project failed. (The documents went up for sale on eBay briefly, but Sirotek somehow got the auction shut down. Somehow the Museum of Computer Adventure Game History ended up with a bunch of scans, and you can find more on various online threads.) Unfortunately, Blakemore chose to pepper his accounts with homophobic and white supremacist rantings and self-aggrandizing nonsense. In 2017, after almost 20 years of development, Blakemore released Grimoire: Heralds of the Winged Exemplar, characteristically calling it “the greatest roleplaying game of them all.” It got mixed reviews.

The Wizardry series was adrift again. In 1996, Sir-Tech re–released Crusaders of the Dark Savant under the odd title Wizardry Gold, an update for Windows 95 and the Mac on CD-ROM. The game is an artifact of the mid-1990s obsession with CD-ROMs, animated graphics, and voiced dialogue before the technology was really there to make any of it good. The result is that the game feels more outdated today than the 1992 version. Here is a link to a video of the game. I would have tolerated that voiced narration for about 30 seconds.    

In 1998, Sir-Tech repackaged the first seven games, plus Wizardry Gold, as The Ultimate Wizardry Archives. I bought the compilation nine years ago to play Wizardry II and have been dipping into it ever since. It’s odd to finally retire the package.

Wizardry 8 would eventually be completed, by most accounts under the direction of long-time Sir-Tech employee Brenda Braithwaite (née Brenda Garno, now Brenda Romero), although in the Barton interview linked above Sirotek seems eager to give her as little credit as possible without naming a specific individual as the project head. Whatever the case, it was released to excellent reviews–but that’s a story for a (much) later entry. In between, we have Nemesis: The Wizardry Adventure (1996), an almost universally-panned single-character game with simplified RPG mechanics. 

We will also meet David Bradley again, as soon as 1995, with CyberMage: Darklight Awakening. After a brief stint with Origin (where he developed CyberMage), he founded his own company, Heuristic Park, which remains in business 23 years later. The company developed Wizards & Warriors (2000), Dungeon Lords (2005), and Dungeon Lords MMXII (2012). I’d say I’m looking forward to playing them, but of course it took me five years just to get from Wizardry VI to VII. I hear that Wizards & Warriors in particular shows a Wizardry influence.

Crusaders of the Dark Savant is the third-longest game on my blog, in raw hours. I’ve had it going on and off since August. In some ways, I’m sorry it’s over because it means I have to focus on a series of RPGs that are a lot less approachable. Let’s see if I can get anywhere with any of them.

source http://reposts.ciathyza.com/crusaders-of-the-dark-savant-summary-and-rating/

[avanneman]

War for the Planet of the Apes: Silence is golden, so it would seem

Back in the day, I used to work as a contractor with the National Commission for Education Statistics. Whenever we put out a report, we agonized, not over data, but over pictures. We have to send the right message here! We need Hispanic kids and black kids! The black boy is looking down the microscope? Can’t we have a black girl for that? This is a math report! Aren’t there too many Asian kids on the cover? And this kid! He could be American Indian, couldn’t he? And what about Hawaiian natives? And Alaskan natives!

Yes, we worried about things like that. We worried about girls who were too pretty (or, absolutely the worst of all, sexy.) We didn’t have the budget to go out and hire models, which we didn’t want to do anyway, but when you’re using unposed pictures, well, did the kids give their permission to be photographed in the first place? If only there were some sort of generic, all in one and one in all kid you could use, that would please everyone and offend no one!

Well, surprisingly enough, life in DC can be a lot like life in Hollywood, except of course in Hollywood they’re smarter, because they have found generic all in one and one in all sympathy figures: Apes!

I am a severe late comer to the whole planet of the apes thing, passing on the Charlton Heston1 original and passing on all the sequels and reboots that have, well, rebooted themselves, but I’m damned if I’ll pay to see a rebooted Spiderman, and War for the Planet … has been an unqualified smash, 98% at Rotten Tomatoes! So naturally I saw it and so naturally I’m going to bitch.

A week or so ago I bemoaned the fact that Baby Driver sought to yank if not actually masturbate our heart strings by equipping “Baby” (Ansel Elgort) with a step dad who is both black and deaf—how cute is that?—and by having Baby (who can, of course, talk natural) sign with dad as well.2 Yes, we do find the deaf touching, and signing is touching too. And speaking of touching, you know what else is touching? Apes! Oh yeah! You see where I’m going with this? How about a whole nation of apes—chimps, mostly, but gorillas and orangutans too—and they all sign? And we’ve got a hero who signs and talks! Who needs ethnicity when we’ve got apes? Signing apes!

Okay, since you’re probably seen earlier “Apes” films—I’m assuming you’re less of a culture snob than I am—this is probably old news to you. But I was a total virgin to this stuff, and since I didn’t have my bifocals with me, I couldn’t read the backstory in the screen, but it didn’t take long to figure—apes good, humans bad. Except for this one human who—wait for it—can’t talk.

It’s perfectly okay to create a world of humanized animals for any purpose whatsoever, from Beatrice Potter’s Peter Rabbit to Swift’s houyhnhnms and yahoos (arguably, the “source” of the whole “apes” thing in the first place). I myself created a whole galaxy of mostly giant insects for my hero, Vorak of Kolnap, an amiable (usually) six-foot cockroach. But I find It a bit silly to romanticize apes for having human qualities which they in fact do not have while demonizing humans for having qualities which we, well, which we do have but which we share in some manner with our simian cousins.

The specific plot of War is set in motion when the evil “Colonel” (Woody Harrelson) kills “Cornelia” (Judy Greer) wife of signin’ and speakin’ boss ape Caesar (Andy Serkis)3, as well as the elder of their two sons, “Blue Eyes” (Max Lloyd-Jones4). Caesar sets off with “Rocket” (Terry Notary), a fellow chimp, along with “Red” (Ty Olsson), a gorilla, and Maurice (Karin Konoval), an orangutan (a very large orangutan), who may be part Vulcan (just a guess) to avenge their deaths.

What follows can best described as the drippings and leavings of Star Wars, Star Trek, some bad-ass posturing from Apocalypse Now, and a big chunk of the Book of Exodus. Our searchers pick up an ally in “Bad Ape” (Steve Zahn), another chimp, who comes across as a less racist (fortunately) Jar-Jar Binks, who seems to spend a lot of time falling down holes. Funny!5 Also they pick up this sweet chick “Nova” (Amiah Miller), a mute who is the only female of any species to get decent screen time.

Is it rude to point out that male chimps don’t hug their sons? That’s because they don’t know they have sons! They aren’t “faithful” to their “wives”, which they don’t have. Struggles for male dominance within a chimp troop frequently lead to mutilation or death, and conflicts between groups can be equally lethal, sometimes resulting in cannibalism.6 I’m sorry, but it’s silly to contrast “innocent” apes with wicked humans by assigning to apes virtues that they don’t have, that only humans even conceive of. All the sexual morality that War for the Planet of the Apes attributes to apes is found—to the extent that it is found—only among humans, because morality is a human construct—which is why we find it so easy, and, often, so exciting, to violate.

As I’ve suggested, there are no “strong” females in this film, and, as far as I could tell, no LGBT apes either, which, after all, could be kind of fun. They could distill chartreuse and give each other apish attitude—“Either this banana tree goes or I do”. That sort of thing.

Am I the only one who notices this stuff? I mean, in the year of Wonder Woman, a critical smash/blockbuster that’s virtually chick-free? And I could also complain about the geography. First it’s tropic, like, Africa, then they’re in the “North”, and then it’s pretty definitely Monument Valley, where John Ford used to shoot all his westerns, before ending up by a lake that looks like a pre-development Tahoe. How chimps are supposed to survive in an environment like that is anybody’s guess.

Earlier, the chimps are building this huge wall for the Colonel that’s almost like the ancient Hebrews making bricks for old Pharaoh without straw. And when they reach the, you know, “Promised Land”, and then Caesar dies, it’s sort of like Moses, or since they’re clearly in the American West it’s like if the Indians got away from the white folks and got their country back. So why not do a remake of Exodus if that’s what it really is? Or an outright Indian picture, if that’s what it is?

Well, Hebrews—Jews, really—that can be controversial. You might be sending the wrong message. And if you did an Indian picture, well, the Indians would probably want in on it, would want Indians in the lead roles. And when did an Indian carry a picture? I’m trying to be realistic here.

But apes, Jesus. Everybody loves apes. Everybody!

Afterwords It's "interesting" that all of the critics who are falling all over themselves for the cheesy sentimentality of "Apes" are also falling all over themselves over the campy cynicism of Game of Thrones, which is pretty much The Sopranos with dragons or maybe Lord of the Rings without any good guys.

Why can’t Word spell “Heston”? What is the deal here, Bill? ↩︎

The shtick of gaining sympathy for a speaking character by endowing him/her with the ability to sign goes back at least as far as Lily Tomlin’s character in Robert Altman’s Nashville. ↩︎

In “real life”, of course, Julius Caesar’s wife was named Cornelia. I’m not sure what this is supposed to mean. ↩︎

I don’t know why Max gets a credit, because I don’t remember Blue Eyes doing anything except die. I guess the guy has a good agent. ↩︎

The slapstick here was so sloppy that at first I couldn’t believe it was supposed to be funny. Largely because it wasn’t. ↩︎

None of the apes ever show their canines, which, in gorillas especially, are quite “impressive”, not to mention scary as hell. But apparently admitting that apes sometimes bite would be “sending the wrong message”. ↩︎