#playing heavy by peach prc

[slugdge-boy]

Do you ever think about how Bashir saw every example of his exceptionalism as a reminder that his bodily autonomy was violated and his mind altered against his will, unable to truly excel if he wanted as this could be used against him but also constantly pressured by his parents and himself Be The Best™ or else what was it all for?

Do you ever think how this dynamic relates to him being an Arab man and how many POC have to work twice as hard to be recognised and still have their achievements devalued in the fragile face of white supremacy?

Do you think about how the ultimate fear of genetic augmentation is eugenics and the elimination of traits seen as undesirable under neurotypical str8 white supremacy? And the view of those who are unaltered as lower? And yet Bashir, a goofy, twinky, Autistic MOC who shows these traits very clearly, is seen as one of the only functional, successful augments? How instead of cold, inhuman amorality associated with augments (as Garak accuses him of) Bashir's morality is so so human - every line he skirts and boundary he crosses a desperate attempt to save lives and connect with other people? How he views himself as lower than everyone because of these augmentations and views any accolades as bittersweet, a reminder of the boy Jules who he feels he murdered to live?

Do you ever think about how Bashir constantly lives with the blinding, consuming fire of Kahn noonien-singh above him, unaware he is the gentle shadow at his feet?

Do you ever think about the emotional rollercoaster of Julian Bashir and want to give him a hug?

Or do you only think of yourself?

[carolmunson]

song lyric prompts you say?

let me hurt my own feelings by giving you this.

"I'm hard to love, there's no denying if you've had enough, thanks for trying"

- Heavy by Peach PRC (a song that's so beautifully sad, and I very much relate to it)

feel free to write anything with either Steve or Eddie or both (write it with whoever you feel suits the situation the most, with or without reader)

this is gonna go a way you're not expecting. but also, lmao pain. tw: night terrors

Steve wakes up in a cold sweat, gasping and holding his stomach where his scars had healed a decade ago. His breath is ragged while flashes of red and rumbles of thunder still play in his ears and behind his eyes. Am I still there? Am I stuck? One, two, three, four, five, breathe in, one, two, three, four, five, breathe out. Find three things in the room that are blue. It's not working. His breath gets more rushed and shallow, his free hand searches for something, anything to grip.

"H-help," he says quietly, weakly, "H-help!"

Tears pool in his eyes while the rumblrs of thunder and flashes of red overtake him, awake but not really. Awake but at what cost? Awake but barely. It's been like this every night for ten years. No one ever stays after very long -- they miss sleeping. They can't stay awake like he can. They can't handle the screaming.

"Help!" he rasps out, gagging on his hurried breaths, stress pouring from his hairline. He whimpers, only finding the loose sheets drenched in his sweat.

"Hey, hey." He hears through the rumbles, through the flashes -- and then cold, ice cold. An icepack held to his forehead, to his cheek.

"Hey," you whisper, your voice bringing him foreward through the fear. You speak slowly and evenly, like you've practiced, "I'm right here. You're in my bed. I'm next to you. The red light in the deli outside."

"In your bed?" he asks, his breaths slowing. You appear from the fog, your face close to his face, noses brushing. He copies the way that you breathe: in, two, three, four, five, out, two, three, four, five.

"In my bed," you smile, "You with me?"

He nods, eyes clearing up to their sparkling amber but the bags under his eyes still a dark and unhappy dusk, "I'm sorry," he whispers.

"Don't be sorry," you say sweetly, kissing his cheek, "You at least didn't punch me this time." You giggle but he winces at the memory.

"It...it won't happen again," Steve mumbles quietly, taking the ice pack and holding it to his chest to lay down. You lay down next to him, pressing a kiss to his bare shoulder, cool with his dried sweat.

"It's okay if it does," you assure, leaning closer to kiss his cheek, "I know what I'm getting into." He nods, "I love you," he says, like he does every night. Like he does every time this happens.

"I love you, too," you say, sleep overtaking you while you run a hand through his hair. He's not sure if he'll ever believe you when you say it, no one else ever really has.

[elizadragonetti]

" 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐧𝐨 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈'𝐦 𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐭𝐨𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐰 "

" ℍ𝕠𝕨 𝕖𝕩𝕔𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 ! "

driving with no exact destination in mind. intricate up-do styles paired with barely-there makeup. running on your tiptoes out of habit. asking for opinions on varying types of literature. the fear of someone asking what you want to do for the rest of your life. they often compare you to wine and the lovely headache left behind. feeling at peace in an art museum. no shoes is the best kind, in your opinion. dancing to music, not as an escape, but to amplify how you’re feeling. making connections everywhere you step foot, but not understanding the power of saying goodbye. you can't just ignite something in people, and then leave. they say you’re often thinking outside the box. “take a chill pill, will ya?” dusting off the leather-bounds of fairytales. where’d you go? you can’t see the bigger picture, but it’s there. plane tickets taped to your wall of all your recent adventures. the sound of your favorite song on vinyl, echoing throughout your apartment. they say you inspired it - is that true? you’re going somewhere; you don’t even know where, but be sure to send a postcard once you get there.

ℕ𝕠𝕥𝕒𝕓𝕝𝕖 𝕋𝕣𝕒𝕔𝕜𝕤

Pierre by Ryn Weaver || " I danced in the desert, in the pouring rain / Drank with the Devil and forgot my name / Woke with somebody when the morning came / No one there to shame me for my youth / Cause I wouldn't be with you "

Bunny is a Rider by Caroline Polachek || " Bunny is a rider / Satellite can't find her / No sympathy / But I'm so nonphysical "

Say Yes to Heaven by Lana Del Rey || " If you dance, I'll dance / And if you don't, I'll dance anyway / Give peace a chance "

Pretty Places by Aly & AJ || " Sit back and I'll drive us to / All the pretty places / Pull us away from where all the pain is / These open skies / Leaving the past behind "

Cherry by Fletcher Ft. Hayley Kiyoko || " We should rendezvous sometime, mon chéri / I want you on top of me like cherry "

Roman Holiday by Halsey || " And when it happens, I'll be miles away / And a few months late / Didn't know where I was running to / But I won't look back "

Green Light by Lorde || " Did it frighten you / How we kissed when we danced on the light up floor? / But I hear the sounds in my mind / Brand new sounds in my mind "

𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝔹 𝕊𝕚𝕕𝕖 ( 𝐚 𝐯𝐮𝐥𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 )

Whispers by Halsey || " I've got a monster inside me that eats personality types / She's constantly changing her mind on the daily / ... Might have to trick her and treat her to 70 capsules or fly to a castle / So at least we can say that we died being traveled / Cultured and flattered, and then I could trap her / But what does it matter? / 'You do not want this' "

Labels by Katelyn Tarver || " I don't belong in your box / Baby, I'm tired of walking this wire / Don't mistake the smile on my face / I've come too far to play games / Baby, it's off the table / I'm done with all these labels "

Heavy by Peach PRC || " They'll kiss me / Manic dream pixie / Don't want to love me 'cause it feels too risky / And I understand / It's all I've been told / I'm heavy to hold "

clementine by Halsey || " I'd like to tell you that my sky's not blue, it's violent rain / And in my world, the people on the street don't know my name / In my world, I'm seven feet tall / And the boys always call, and the girls do too / Because in my world, I'm constantly having a breakthrough / Or a breakdown, or a blackout / Would you make out with me underneath the shelter of the balcony? / 'Cause I don't need anyone / I just need everyone, and then some "

You're on You're Own, Kid by Taylor Swift || " I hosted parties and starved my body / Like I'd be saved by the perfect kiss / The jokes weren't funny, I took the money / My friends back home don't know what to say / ... You've got no reason to be afraid / You're on your own, kid / You can face this "

Stupid Deep by Jon Bellion || " What if who I hoped to be was always me? / And the love I fought to feel was always free? / What if all the things I've done / Were just attempts of earning love? / 'Cause the hole inside my heart is stupid deep / What if where I've tried to go was always here? / And the path I've tried to cut was always clear? "

I am not a woman, I'm a god by Halsey || " Every day I've got a smile where my frown goes / A couple bodies in the garden where the grass grows / I take 'em with me to the grave in a suitcase / Maybe I can be a different human in a new place / Oh, I just want to feel something, tell me where to go "

[secretslashgblo]

Does anyone else have Heavy by peach PRC playing in their heads when they think of Lestat saying 'im a lot.im not perfect' because I do.

[brokenhcrt]

HEADCANON DUMP ; ALEXANDER WRIGHT JR

headcanons from previous blog

alexander, totally makes those dark humour self harm tiktok jokes 

yes, alexander for a good part of his late teens & early twenties, hides away his scars - he hides them away from everyone, until he’s comfortable with them & has a better understanding of his mind due to having the correct diagnosis. 

when it comes to sex, alexander tries his best to avoid at least taking off his shirt if the lights are on. if lights are off he is more likely to take off his shirt but will put it on pretty much right after. when it comes to a partner, and someone he loves and he’s comfortable he will be okay with sex with without a shirt on

heavy by peach prc is totally an alexander song

alexander, if he knows you have issues with people drinking when he’s on his drinking benders/binges ( most are done before his bpd diagnosis ) will stay away from you. these can last up to two weeks and as short as three days.

these benders/binges do lessen over time & with proper therapy

alexander relapsed in his self harm a few months before he dropped out of college

being with alexander will come with challenges, especially if you get with him before or around his proper diagnosis. after knowing what he has, and that is for sure what he has and not a misdiagnosis like the first one, he will be trying to work on himself and how that effecs his relationships with people, and being with him will present challenges in and of itself. 

it probably won’t be until a year or two after his official diagnosis of bpd that alexander will start wearing short sleeves. so basically up until then assume he’s wearing long sleeved shirts.

only time between then that he’s had them not covered is during sex, but would cover up immediately 

alexander has one hundred percent been told he’s ‘too young’ to have depression / be depressed when he was first diagnosed, and yes, totally by his older sister did. his parents did for a while, and at school there were definitely some teachers & other classmates. the classmates also who didn’t believe it are the ones who started the rumours about him being an addict. it was his older sister who is the reason his suicide attempt got out to be public knowledge

Jules is Alexander's FP (Favourite Person) a lot of the time and in most universes. Yes, it’s his twin. 

his parents 100% believe that medication was going to be a fix all for his depression and don’t understand why alexander didn’t get better when he took his medication

his parents 100% believe that medication was going to be a fix all for his depression and don’t understand why alexander didn’t get better when he took his medication

alexander was misdiagnosed with depression, and doesn’t get a looked at again until he’s 22 - 23 years old, when he finally opens himself up to going to therapy again, because he himself felt he was misdiagnosed but, didn’t want to do anything about it until he did see how it could effect those he cared about. so he officially get’s diagnosed with BPD at the age of 22/23 years old. his BPD co-exists with Depression, so it wasn’t a fully wrong diagnosis, it’s just the BPD was not getting treated while his depression was

it’s extremely rare for alexander to be wearing short sleeved, or even shorts. if he wears anything like that around your muse, he is extremely comfortable with them

after his attempt on his life, there had been a rumour that alexander was a junkie and that his parents lied to the school about it being a suicide attempt and that his time in the psych ward was actually at a rebab centre. he tried his best to ignore these rumours, but it was hard because there was always those kids that’d ask him about ‘getting the good stuff’ this stuff helped play into his attempt at running away from home when he was sixteen

alexander hates therapy, yet this fucker had decided to go into psychology ( up until he drops out to become a mechanic ), now i never said he was smart, and plus he did it more to appease his parents

If Alexander makes jokes about his attempt or those thoughts around you, he's extremely comfortable with you as he doesn't do it around family

you can give alexander a nickname, he just really doesn’t like alex, as that is what his father’s nickname is, and the only one allowed to is jules, his twin. so, give him other nicknames that is fine

alexander while going to college before dropping out, worked at a kids toy store in the weekend and after a few classes

his family is comfortably wealthy, enough to pay for alexander’s college tuition & doctors. so they see him dropping out of college as a bit of a slap to the face and cover it up with being ‘overbaring’ and caring about his depression. they  now refuse to pay for anything for him, including his medication.

his relationship with his parents hasn’t always been the greatest, like they weren’t horrible to him. they just put a lot of pressure on him, and which lead to his depression. the thing is, his relationship with his parents gets worse when he drops his degree because his parents go into ‘overbearing’ mood and accuse him of being depressed again, and he just can’t take it, and snaps at them because wanting to drop his degree is something he’s been thinking for a while, and he only dropped it once he knew what he wanted to do.

his parents never liked that he drives a motorcycle, so him becoming a mechanic was so not in their plan for him.

also, his relationship with his older sister is strained after this because she tries to defend her parents, by just saying they were only concerned, which just caused him to snap at her too. because to him it just feels performative that they think this way because of what they’ve heard ‘depression does’ to the person.

he isolated himself after this incident, including away from his twin

alexander drops out of college to pursue a career as a mechanic 

alexander is 100% the kind of person to prefer to have a shower in the middle of the day or night - and has at times gone weeks without one

he does have a drinking problem, and his is highly aware of it, which is why he rarely drinks - yet when he does he get’s hammered, to the point of blacking out and can do this for a few days

he actually prefers to be called alexander over nicknames, though he will still respond to nicknames

[soloh]

February Music Favourites

I don’t wanna be twenty-something, and still in my head about seventeen in my bedroom talking. You said that by now we’d paint the walls of our shared apartment. You’re still everything I want and I think we could work it out so what are you doin’ now? Now that you finally got the job you like. -WYD Now?, Sadie Jean

You say, you say it’s not my fault. You say nothing at all. Can you see my hands shake? Heart is now an earthquake. I’m left alone to tear myself apart. You make it look so easy, turn around and leave me. -tear myself apart, Tate McRae

Every street is bringing back a memory. Calling you again, I guess you’re busy. Still wishing you were here, just kill me. -What If I Love You, Gatlin

I was never any good at loss prevention, I couldn’t keep you if I tried. I’m overworked and underpaid, and you used me to boost your resume. -Two Week Notice, Leanna Firestone

They’ll kiss me, manic dream pixie. Don’t wanna love me ‘cause it feels too risky. And I understand. It’s all I’ve been told. I’m heavy to hold. -Heavy, Peach PRC

But if the world was ending, you’d come over right? You’d come over and you’d stay the night? Would you love me for the hell of it? -If The World Was Ending, JP Saxe ft. Julia Michaels

Heard you get nervous whenever I’m mentioned, so if you’re scared then go find you a priest, go find a confession. My revenge is sweeter than honey. -Last Laugh, FLETCHER

Under the covers watching some cheerleaders, I’m his biggest concern. Don’t worry about it, kids that’ve sinned get sick.-God Is A Freak, Peach PRC

Down to the ashes, bones are left to dry. Waves of desolation; there’s nowhere safe to hide. Can’t escape the fallout. Feel the fire rain down. -Fallout, UNSECRET and Neoni

I slip and wonder who I’d be if I never found you and you never found me. Well I don’t wanna see. So won’t you give me tonight, and the rest of your life? I wanna have it all with you. -Biblical, Calum Scott

Every time we talk it just hurts so bad ‘cause I don’t even know what we are. I don’t even know where to start, but I can play the part. -that way, Tate McRae

I wish I could fly. I’d pick you up and we’d go back in time. I’d write this in the sky. I miss you like it was the very first night. -The Very First Night (Taylor’s Version), Taylor Swift

The silence doesn’t know you like I do. Just so you know, you’re not alone today. -Shoulder to Shoulder, Tate McRae

Push me down and I bounce right back, trampoline and it’s in my past. Rising like a phoenix making fire from the ash. Bet you’ve been a fan of me. See me in your fantasies. -YES MOM, Tessa Violet

Why do you waste all my time, keep on telling me lies? ‘Cause you know I’ll come right back, when you don’t even write back. -Boys Ain’t Shit, SAYGRACE ft. Audrey Mika and Tate McRae

Spotify playlist here!

[gay-prentiss]

thanks for the tag @sideblogforcrimpy !!

nickname: i like to go by nat. dumbass is more appropriate tho lmfao

zodiac: capricorn hehe

height: 5’7? i think. the last time i checked was a few years ago but i dont feel ive grown at all since then lmao.

hogwarts house: [sigh] gryffindoor

last thing i googled: the punisher cast lmao

song stuck in my head: we dont talk about bruno but only the part where felix goes “im sorry mi vida go ooOOoOonnnnNn” just on a loop (adhd tingz)

how much i sleep: a lot. way too much.

lucky number: i dont really have one

dream job: dawg idk

wearing: fantasia shirt and grey sweatpants

favourite song: kinda sad lowkey but atm its heavy (acoustic version) by peach prc

favourite instrument: i can play piano ive always been in love with it

aesthetic: pls i have even billion a cannot choose just one

favourite author: bold of you to assume i can read

favourite animal noise: my kitty’s wittol mews theyre so tiny

something random: i have a deep need to overanalyse music in film and tv and just know everything about every choice they made in the scoring of a piece of media and i do indeed have to be stopped

no pressure tags: @clarawatson @ssa-sarahsunshine @softhairedhotch @scorpio-hotch @spencersendgame @will-on-the-internet

[solhcir]

name. avalon, but most people call me ava

star sign. scorpio

height. 5′10”-5′11″ ish

middle name. we don’t speak of it :/

put your spotify on shuffle. first 6 songs?  heavy - peach prc.  //  ronan (taylor’s version) - taylor swift //  twin size mattress - the front bottoms //  forget i exist - sam mcpheerson //  surface pressure - jessica darrow  //  soon you’ll get better - taylor swift 

ever had a poem / song written about you? yes, more than once.

when was the last time you played air guitar? um...never? at least that i can remember 

who is your celebrity crush? andrew garfield

what’s a sound you hate and a sound you love? i cannot stand the sound of the fork prongs dragging against anything. literally makes me want to die. i love the sound of like, rhythmic tapping

do you believe in ghosts? undoubtedly 

how about aliens? it would be pretty prideful to believe that in all of the universe, explored and unexplored. earth is the only intelligent life. there’s so much we don’t know out there

do you drive? no, no depth perception lmao

if so, have you ever crashed? i don’t drive but i’ve been in a crash more than once

what was the last book you read? for enjoyment? the seven husbands of evelyn hugo, which i highly recommend, it’s incredible 

do you like the smell of gasoline? it gives me headaches and makes me nauseous 

what was the last movie you saw? the amazing spiderman, i watch it like once every two days lmao. for new movie, probably turning red

what was the worst injury you ever had? i continuously fuck up both my ankles and my knees. there was a period in highschool where i fucked up my knee really bad and was on crutches for like ever, finally healed the knee, then like a week off of crutches and i busted up the ankle on the opposite leg and went back on crutches 

do you have any obsessions right now? SPIDER-MAN, OH MY GOD IT’S SPIDER-MAN, SPIDER-MAN, IT’S SPIDER-MAN

do you tend to hold grudges? no lmao you think my memory lasts long enough to hold grudges? however, comma, if you fuck with my friends then i can and will hate your ass until the end of eternity 

in a relationship? i don’t really have time for the whole avalon thing, ya know?

[be21zh]

been preyed among mob.

Jun 12, 2017

a relaxing dream in which I visited my artist friends in Tianjin art college. at first I dreamt with BianQiong, my Tibet painter friend, and his friend. they live in dorm like a family. then shifted to a house near door and some of those students there working and chatting. I using English with a friend from my hometown neighbor county, who is humble and treated me well even I visited BianQiong in vacation but then the moment didn't paid him enough attentions but kindness felt. he sometimes mixed with my impression on another guy in the art college who also attracted me with his abled attitude. we chatted in English but my English seemingly not fluent enough and sometimes the students there in the house perceived it. its a peaceful dream and I without any pressure but enjoy staying. last 2 weeks I too busy to blog. my son's nexus 6 lost due to forgot to fetch after sport, likely accompanied by his sinful intrusive mom, a really small woman and poor gifted junior teacher. but next day she registered the lost on local stadium administrative and it even returned intact. I even disappointed by my son's loose management and bad memories, but ready to accept the misfortune. my son really glad to regain his nexus, he hummed upstairs when I waiting him in Sunday visit. last week I under heavy government sponsored hacking, detained my downloading windows 10 creator edition iso. I also tried to rebuild router os after disastrous intrusion. I failed times and times to make configurations backup. later I gave up backup now that if I left most of router profile default then will be less shortage of ram and lagging response. we also elated with new auto-connecting script and localized vpn server script, a byproduct huge finding during googling our problems. it fix our pains on ass of vpn connection which frequented by PRC surveillance and problematic. its really a great achievement saves. even most of the weeks busy and fruitful, PRC surveillance turns freakier now. my facing dorm moved in some young beast with stylish pig tail on his head, staying all day indoor babbled. most night when I went to toilet and back, their door left opener and room in dark, just remind me their capable of surveillance, poisoning, and stealth. that sometimes made me unease, but I know who is more unbalanced and revengeful. I put my fate in holy bliss. let thieves trying rob me in day time and in shadows. CCP and PRC literally makes everyone poorer day by day, minute by minute. its a burning fire heap that destroys any surplus in Chinese society. God, bring me sooner my Royal China. bring me my Crowned Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko, for better management of my life, of my Empire of China from my heroic ancestor. bring us surprise in this month salary day.

May 28, 2017

dreamt in a journey and next day we will return. I designed a multimedia and have to change some text in it. I tried many ways then found have to install then hack text string, one for title, one for calculation result. then in a class there are some guests. a black child played with my son and slammed my son's face. I angry with my son and urged him to slam back. then the black dad join the war and forced me to pay more attention and compensation. that's likely concerns about my son's English tutor his sinful mom arranged under a black man's lecture in her college, Qiqihar Univ, where she still felt romantic or fantasy. yesterday google alphago, AI powered chess rebot, beat all human Chinese go players. back to bed, dream continue about the lost. I saw some collegians lived around, like QRRS dorm stuffed by young blue-collar workers. I tried asking if they saw my suitcase. no one listened in their games. one of them likely my once QRRS colleague in tech department, Chen Ziming, who left QRRS for better career prospective decade ago, later told me alone that I too risky to put my baggage outside of door and packed valued items inside. I should pay for my careless. its a long morning and my late dream echos turbulent wind outside of window. last night my stomach painful midnight and I had to get up to shit twice to relieve the uncomfort. the dorm canteen's operator, the husband of the woman, turned hostile to me. the marching team in dusk around QRRS square also hated me, just like I didn't appreciate their noisy boombox and coarse taste of music, too. young workers esp close neighbored in the dorm long time grudged with me, trying all means to upset me, to hurt me. the dangers in mop sometimes put me in chill. but I have nothing but mission. coming lunar dragon boat holiday let me so lonely, like the Chinese girl Yang shuping lectured in her graduation ceremony in US aroused so many blind hates in sinking PRC young dogs, exactly her plain true thankful emotion toward American years educated her. dog PRC hated anything out of its humility. they turning China more and more mirror of bankrupted MidEast, purest poverty, now that they never care anything in the world out of their mouths, or their teeths' tearing and grinding, world of mere prey. God, dad, bring me sooner my vested Empire from my grand ancestor, for harmony Chinese family and life. bring me soone my Crowned Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko, for sanity of nowadays Chinese society. bring me more offspring for future 1109 years my new Empire of China reset for span timespace. grant us a merry holiday, esp woz's last children holiday coming less than a week.

May 22, 2017

dreamt at my hometown with my old family who all catering a new baby whose centered likely my son. lots of relatives jammed in the bedroom once my old parents prepared for their first next generation's wedding, my 2nd brother's. I held the infant and sending him sleep but in a blink I only holding blanket while the baby missing. then on the edge of bed and edge of the entrance of the room, on uneven stone or plastic teeth of a plate the infant sleeping. his head left on bare rugged without clothes cushion but thank God its OK. we carefully shift him to new infant bed. my 2nd elder brother's wife, their first son, my 3rd elder sister esp helpful in caring relatives crowd. the infant under so many attentions that I felt he must be my newly born son. in second view during a break I thought he might be my brother's 2nd son's first son. the nephew married a neighbor village girl then soon divorced. he now rumored dislikes woman and kept single, that's his mother claimed about her own son in front of me in our latest hometown tour. I think he more likes his grandpa than his elder brother, who had 3 children now, and merits belongs to be our family members but not a clue in his mom who bold and shameless feminism, like generous, honest, integrity, kind, etc. I told him my appreciation in once QQ chat session decade ago when he still a boy. today is Monday morning. I again in chill felt boring and napped. yesterday I bought my son small fishes and shrimps from an elder amateur vendor who is lonely and hopeless aside the road where I went alone to buy fruits. I intended to do him a favor but he refused aid. so I bought his all he charged ￥15, a small heap small fishes and a small heap of shrimps. I left him a peach and 2 CNY extra and fled to evade the elder's defying. I told my son how small fishes with small hot pepper can be delicious for in my teenage my 2nd elder brother quite sometimes bring home the food material after his school, ie. he caught fishes in pond or rice fields after school hours. it left me life long appetite. I really hope my son find the delicacy but so far I unable to contact him on the phone about the dish the grandma loathed to prepare with before I left in Sunday dusk. I also bought my son extra fruits, including litchi and mango, peach, for my son loathed to let me buy fruits after showered in public bathroom. I feed him with litchi and mango before left him alone in his android games. we really enjoyed the fruits. on Wednesday I will fetch his birthday cake ordered online, and celebrate his 13 birthday together ( woz 12 birthday reported here). God dad, I recently felt more solider to accept de facto that my offspring limits to one son. I trust Holy arrangement and humble of my son's mother family, her insanity. God dad, grant me more children in my prime time. bring me sooner my Crowned Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko. link our nations, our blood bond on new land that shared among us. bring more laugh and companions in my life in family forever hospitable and bright. BTW, these days media reveals misery of pangolins which extincting after sinful PRC Chinese insane appetite, God, dad, pl save the adorable animal, which is key to remain rampant ants lair everywhere those years under control. let's bee and pangolin forever happily enjoy the planet as we do. God dad, pl!

May 21, 2017

dreamt with ample details after migrated into US. an elder Chinese woman with her spouse contacted me for rent her house or living matters in America. yesterday I happily dispatched salary and sliced it into feeding small bills due monthly, ie. laundry, groupon for salon, spa, dining out. woz's birthday celebration also booked. local debtee received partial return. God dad, grant me next month reserves for my hosting plan renewal on godaddy. this week also somewhat busy. I napped on Monday morning after found jobless and exhausted after joys of reunited son the day before. Tuesday morning I restored, found I can add feedback form onto my google sites. then I launched to learn google form, component of Gsuite, to enrich my website's interactivity. my long time afraid of form and script in microsoft office suite cured by google form's easy to use. in an hour I built up my survey for my google sites and published, inc checkbox, multi-choice, rate, scale, dropdown, pictures etc lots of elements of interactive. google form's response analysis amazingly rich, in pie chart, bar chart, and lots of charts that's easy understanding while informative first impression. Friday I rebuilt my portable os on a retired ssd, after failed to fix ubuntu's lingering error. this time I made the bootable images more cleaner and handier. in woz's monthly visit my dorm, I demonstrated him my websites' new element, survey. and we enjoyed snack routinely, and hot water washing feet powered by dorm's heater just recovered from broke down. dorm canteen loaned me ￥100, but God knows how we satisfied in our companion and companion of hard times. God dad, my living so far designated to deal with a salary ￥3000/month, how real during hopes and joys in dealing with the only source of income. God dad, how I endear my life within this tiny time space here and now on the planet and before climate disaster, while we stride into big chances never seen holy grants. bring me sooner my Crowned Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko, and my vested Empire of China, and our future new land of north and water peculiar cold sweet. grant my cyberspace startup booming in business and influential of public mind. thx for my new summer pants with mobile pockets my nephew offered free weeks ago in my hard time.

  LOFTER：riveryog, 旎宫嘉坊   http://ift.tt/2shIQDW

[chinad]

threats of robbing in poverty infused PRC by CCP dog.

Jun 12, 2017

a relaxing dream in which I visited my artist friends in Tianjin art college. at first I dreamt with BianQiong, my Tibet painter friend, and his friend. they live in dorm like a family. then shifted to a house near door and some of those students there working and chatting. I using English with a friend from my hometown neighbor county, who is humble and treated me well even I visited BianQiong in vacation but then the moment didn't paid him enough attentions but kindness felt. he sometimes mixed with my impression on another guy in the art college who also attracted me with his abled attitude. we chatted in English but my English seemingly not fluent enough and sometimes the students there in the house perceived it. its a peaceful dream and I without any pressure but enjoy staying. last 2 weeks I too busy to blog. my son's nexus 6 lost due to forgot to fetch after sport, likely accompanied by his sinful intrusive mom, a really small woman and poor gifted junior teacher. but next day she registered the lost on local stadium administrative and it even returned intact. I even disappointed by my son's loose management and bad memories, but ready to accept the misfortune. my son really glad to regain his nexus, he hummed upstairs when I waiting him in Sunday visit. last week I under heavy government sponsored hacking, detained my downloading windows 10 creator edition iso. I also tried to rebuild router os after disastrous intrusion. I failed times and times to make configurations backup. later I gave up backup now that if I left most of router profile default then will be less shortage of ram and lagging response. we also elated with new auto-connecting script and localized vpn server script, a byproduct huge finding during googling our problems. it fix our pains on ass of vpn connection which frequented by PRC surveillance and problematic. its really a great achievement saves. even most of the weeks busy and fruitful, PRC surveillance turns freakier now. my facing dorm moved in some young beast with stylish pig tail on his head, staying all day indoor babbled. most night when I went to toilet and back, their door left opener and room in dark, just remind me their capable of surveillance, poisoning, and stealth. that sometimes made me unease, but I know who is more unbalanced and revengeful. I put my fate in holy bliss. let thieves trying rob me in day time and in shadows. CCP and PRC literally makes everyone poorer day by day, minute by minute. its a burning fire heap that destroys any surplus in Chinese society. God, bring me sooner my Royal China. bring me my Crowned Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko, for better management of my life, of my Empire of China from my heroic ancestor. bring us surprise in this month salary day.

May 28, 2017

dreamt in a journey and next day we will return. I designed a multimedia and have to change some text in it. I tried many ways then found have to install then hack text string, one for title, one for calculation result. then in a class there are some guests. a black child played with my son and slammed my son's face. I angry with my son and urged him to slam back. then the black dad join the war and forced me to pay more attention and compensation. that's likely concerns about my son's English tutor his sinful mom arranged under a black man's lecture in her college, Qiqihar Univ, where she still felt romantic or fantasy. yesterday google alphago, AI powered chess rebot, beat all human Chinese go players. back to bed, dream continue about the lost. I saw some collegians lived around, like QRRS dorm stuffed by young blue-collar workers. I tried asking if they saw my suitcase. no one listened in their games. one of them likely my once QRRS colleague in tech department, Chen Ziming, who left QRRS for better career prospective decade ago, later told me alone that I too risky to put my baggage outside of door and packed valued items inside. I should pay for my careless. its a long morning and my late dream echos turbulent wind outside of window. last night my stomach painful midnight and I had to get up to shit twice to relieve the uncomfort. the dorm canteen's operator, the husband of the woman, turned hostile to me. the marching team in dusk around QRRS square also hated me, just like I didn't appreciate their noisy boombox and coarse taste of music, too. young workers esp close neighbored in the dorm long time grudged with me, trying all means to upset me, to hurt me. the dangers in mop sometimes put me in chill. but I have nothing but mission. coming lunar dragon boat holiday let me so lonely, like the Chinese girl Yang shuping lectured in her graduation ceremony in US aroused so many blind hates in sinking PRC young dogs, exactly her plain true thankful emotion toward American years educated her. dog PRC hated anything out of its humility. they turning China more and more mirror of bankrupted MidEast, purest poverty, now that they never care anything in the world out of their mouths, or their teeths' tearing and grinding, world of mere prey. God, dad, bring me sooner my vested Empire from my grand ancestor, for harmony Chinese family and life. bring me soone my Crowned Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko, for sanity of nowadays Chinese society. bring me more offspring for future 1109 years my new Empire of China reset for span timespace. grant us a merry holiday, esp woz's last children holiday coming less than a week.

May 22, 2017

dreamt at my hometown with my old family who all catering a new baby whose centered likely my son. lots of relatives jammed in the bedroom once my old parents prepared for their first next generation's wedding, my 2nd brother's. I held the infant and sending him sleep but in a blink I only holding blanket while the baby missing. then on the edge of bed and edge of the entrance of the room, on uneven stone or plastic teeth of a plate the infant sleeping. his head left on bare rugged without clothes cushion but thank God its OK. we carefully shift him to new infant bed. my 2nd elder brother's wife, their first son, my 3rd elder sister esp helpful in caring relatives crowd. the infant under so many attentions that I felt he must be my newly born son. in second view during a break I thought he might be my brother's 2nd son's first son. the nephew married a neighbor village girl then soon divorced. he now rumored dislikes woman and kept single, that's his mother claimed about her own son in front of me in our latest hometown tour. I think he more likes his grandpa than his elder brother, who had 3 children now, and merits belongs to be our family members but not a clue in his mom who bold and shameless feminism, like generous, honest, integrity, kind, etc. I told him my appreciation in once QQ chat session decade ago when he still a boy. today is Monday morning. I again in chill felt boring and napped. yesterday I bought my son small fishes and shrimps from an elder amateur vendor who is lonely and hopeless aside the road where I went alone to buy fruits. I intended to do him a favor but he refused aid. so I bought his all he charged ￥15, a small heap small fishes and a small heap of shrimps. I left him a peach and 2 CNY extra and fled to evade the elder's defying. I told my son how small fishes with small hot pepper can be delicious for in my teenage my 2nd elder brother quite sometimes bring home the food material after his school, ie. he caught fishes in pond or rice fields after school hours. it left me life long appetite. I really hope my son find the delicacy but so far I unable to contact him on the phone about the dish the grandma loathed to prepare with before I left in Sunday dusk. I also bought my son extra fruits, including litchi and mango, peach, for my son loathed to let me buy fruits after showered in public bathroom. I feed him with litchi and mango before left him alone in his android games. we really enjoyed the fruits. on Wednesday I will fetch his birthday cake ordered online, and celebrate his 13 birthday together ( woz 12 birthday reported here). God dad, I recently felt more solider to accept de facto that my offspring limits to one son. I trust Holy arrangement and humble of my son's mother family, her insanity. God dad, grant me more children in my prime time. bring me sooner my Crowned Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko. link our nations, our blood bond on new land that shared among us. bring more laugh and companions in my life in family forever hospitable and bright. BTW, these days media reveals misery of pangolins which extincting after sinful PRC Chinese insane appetite, God, dad, pl save the adorable animal, which is key to remain rampant ants lair everywhere those years under control. let's bee and pangolin forever happily enjoy the planet as we do. God dad, pl!

May 21, 2017

dreamt with ample details after migrated into US. an elder Chinese woman with her spouse contacted me for rent her house or living matters in America. yesterday I happily dispatched salary and sliced it into feeding small bills due monthly, ie. laundry, groupon for salon, spa, dining out. woz's birthday celebration also booked. local debtee received partial return. God dad, grant me next month reserves for my hosting plan renewal on godaddy. this week also somewhat busy. I napped on Monday morning after found jobless and exhausted after joys of reunited son the day before. Tuesday morning I restored, found I can add feedback form onto my google sites. then I launched to learn google form, component of Gsuite, to enrich my website's interactivity. my long time afraid of form and script in microsoft office suite cured by google form's easy to use. in an hour I built up my survey for my google sites and published, inc checkbox, multi-choice, rate, scale, dropdown, pictures etc lots of elements of interactive. google form's response analysis amazingly rich, in pie chart, bar chart, and lots of charts that's easy understanding while informative first impression. Friday I rebuilt my portable os on a retired ssd, after failed to fix ubuntu's lingering error. this time I made the bootable images more cleaner and handier. in woz's monthly visit my dorm, I demonstrated him my websites' new element, survey. and we enjoyed snack routinely, and hot water washing feet powered by dorm's heater just recovered from broke down. dorm canteen loaned me ￥100, but God knows how we satisfied in our companion and companion of hard times. God dad, my living so far designated to deal with a salary ￥3000/month, how real during hopes and joys in dealing with the only source of income. God dad, how I endear my life within this tiny time space here and now on the planet and before climate disaster, while we stride into big chances never seen holy grants. bring me sooner my Crowned Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko, and my vested Empire of China, and our future new land of north and water peculiar cold sweet. grant my cyberspace startup booming in business and influential of public mind. thx for my new summer pants with mobile pockets my nephew offered free weeks ago in my hard time.

via Blogger http://ift.tt/2s4MQ8o

[soloh]

I came to the startling realization today that I don't know what it's like to be liked by someone (romantically) and not like them back. Not because I've dated a lot of people or anything, there just... haven't been a lot of people across my life who have been interested.

I know damn well what it's like to be on the other side, the shame and low self-esteem that accompanies liking someone (or worse, loving someone) who doesn't have feelings for you- not that I'm blaming any of those people for my own self-esteem issues, nor do I think I was in any way entitled to their affections, the general self-loathing was just how I felt at the time. But I don't know what it's like to just... exist, without giving anything in return, and still have someone love you. At this point I'm positive that at least one, if not two, of my previous three relationships was a result of them liking the fact that I liked them, rather than them actually liking me, which really just drives home the "I have minimal experience of people actually having feelings for me" thing.

Idk, like obviously it doesn't, or rather, shouldn't, matter now because I have my partner, and I've gathered from talking to other people that having to reject someone, particularly someone who you do like- just not in a romantic way- sucks, but also damn it would've been nice to have more than like 2 people ever think I was worth having around in that kind of way, even if I didn't return the feeling. I know for a fact that it can be an ego boost, because at least one of my friends has described it as such, and I could always do with a little ego boost. And also, like, fuck, am I that annoying/unattractive/whatever?? 😅🙃

Alexa, play "Heavy" by Peach PRC

[be21zh]

Jun 12, 2017

a relaxing dream in which I visited my artist friends in Tianjin art college. at first I dreamt with BianQiong, my Tibet painter friend, and his friend. they live in dorm like a family. then shifted to a house near door and some of those students there working and chatting. I using English with a friend from my hometown neighbor county, who is humble and treated me well even I visited BianQiong in vacation but then the moment didn't paid him enough attentions but kindness felt. he sometimes mixed with my impression on another guy in the art college who also attracted me with his abled attitude. we chatted in English but my English seemingly not fluent enough and sometimes the students there in the house perceived it. its a peaceful dream and I without any pressure but enjoy staying. last 2 weeks I too busy to blog. my son's nexus 6 lost due to forgot to fetch after sport, likely accompanied by his sinful intrusive mom, a really small woman and poor gifted junior teacher. but next day she registered the lost on local stadium administrative and it even returned intact. I even disappointed by my son's loose management and bad memories, but ready to accept the misfortune. my son really glad to regain his nexus, he hummed upstairs when I waiting him in Sunday visit. last week I under heavy government sponsored hacking, detained my downloading windows 10 creator edition iso. I also tried to rebuild router os after disastrous intrusion. I failed times and times to make configurations backup. later I gave up backup now that if I left most of router profile default then will be less shortage of ram and lagging response. we also elated with new auto-connecting script and localized vpn server script, a byproduct huge finding during googling our problems. it fix our pains on ass of vpn connection which frequented by PRC surveillance and problematic. its really a great achievement saves. even most of the weeks busy and fruitful, PRC surveillance turns freakier now. my facing dorm moved in some young beast with stylish pig tail on his head, staying all day indoor babbled. most night when I went to toilet and back, their door left opener and room in dark, just remind me their capable of surveillance, poisoning, and stealth. that sometimes made me unease, but I know who is more unbalanced and revengeful. I put my fate in holy bliss. let thieves trying rob me in day time and in shadows. CCP and PRC literally makes everyone poorer day by day, minute by minute. its a burning fire heap that destroys any surplus in Chinese society. God, bring me sooner my Royal China. bring me my Crowned Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko, for better management of my life, of my Empire of China from my heroic ancestor. bring us surprise in this month salary day.

May 28, 2017

dreamt in a journey and next day we will return. I designed a multimedia and have to change some text in it. I tried many ways then found have to install then hack text string, one for title, one for calculation result. then in a class there are some guests. a black child played with my son and slammed my son's face. I angry with my son and urged him to slam back. then the black dad join the war and forced me to pay more attention and compensation. that's likely concerns about my son's English tutor his sinful mom arranged under a black man's lecture in her college, Qiqihar Univ, where she still felt romantic or fantasy. yesterday google alphago, AI powered chess rebot, beat all human Chinese go players. back to bed, dream continue about the lost. I saw some collegians lived around, like QRRS dorm stuffed by young blue-collar workers. I tried asking if they saw my suitcase. no one listened in their games. one of them likely my once QRRS colleague in tech department, Chen Ziming, who left QRRS for better career prospective decade ago, later told me alone that I too risky to put my baggage outside of door and packed valued items inside. I should pay for my careless. its a long morning and my late dream echos turbulent wind outside of window. last night my stomach painful midnight and I had to get up to shit twice to relieve the uncomfort. the dorm canteen's operator, the husband of the woman, turned hostile to me. the marching team in dusk around QRRS square also hated me, just like I didn't appreciate their noisy boombox and coarse taste of music, too. young workers esp close neighbored in the dorm long time grudged with me, trying all means to upset me, to hurt me. the dangers in mop sometimes put me in chill. but I have nothing but mission. coming lunar dragon boat holiday let me so lonely, like the Chinese girl Yang shuping lectured in her graduation ceremony in US aroused so many blind hates in sinking PRC young dogs, exactly her plain true thankful emotion toward American years educated her. dog PRC hated anything out of its humility. they turning China more and more mirror of bankrupted MidEast, purest poverty, now that they never care anything in the world out of their mouths, or their teeths' tearing and grinding, world of mere prey. God, dad, bring me sooner my vested Empire from my grand ancestor, for harmony Chinese family and life. bring me soone my Crowned Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko, for sanity of nowadays Chinese society. bring me more offspring for future 1109 years my new Empire of China reset for span timespace. grant us a merry holiday, esp woz's last children holiday coming less than a week.

May 22, 2017

dreamt at my hometown with my old family who all catering a new baby whose centered likely my son. lots of relatives jammed in the bedroom once my old parents prepared for their first next generation's wedding, my 2nd brother's. I held the infant and sending him sleep but in a blink I only holding blanket while the baby missing. then on the edge of bed and edge of the entrance of the room, on uneven stone or plastic teeth of a plate the infant sleeping. his head left on bare rugged without clothes cushion but thank God its OK. we carefully shift him to new infant bed. my 2nd elder brother's wife, their first son, my 3rd elder sister esp helpful in caring relatives crowd. the infant under so many attentions that I felt he must be my newly born son. in second view during a break I thought he might be my brother's 2nd son's first son. the nephew married a neighbor village girl then soon divorced. he now rumored dislikes woman and kept single, that's his mother claimed about her own son in front of me in our latest hometown tour. I think he more likes his grandpa than his elder brother, who had 3 children now, and merits belongs to be our family members but not a clue in his mom who bold and shameless feminism, like generous, honest, integrity, kind, etc. I told him my appreciation in once QQ chat session decade ago when he still a boy. today is Monday morning. I again in chill felt boring and napped. yesterday I bought my son small fishes and shrimps from an elder amateur vendor who is lonely and hopeless aside the road where I went alone to buy fruits. I intended to do him a favor but he refused aid. so I bought his all he charged ￥15, a small heap small fishes and a small heap of shrimps. I left him a peach and 2 CNY extra and fled to evade the elder's defying. I told my son how small fishes with small hot pepper can be delicious for in my teenage my 2nd elder brother quite sometimes bring home the food material after his school, ie. he caught fishes in pond or rice fields after school hours. it left me life long appetite. I really hope my son find the delicacy but so far I unable to contact him on the phone about the dish the grandma loathed to prepare with before I left in Sunday dusk. I also bought my son extra fruits, including litchi and mango, peach, for my son loathed to let me buy fruits after showered in public bathroom. I feed him with litchi and mango before left him alone in his android games. we really enjoyed the fruits. on Wednesday I will fetch his birthday cake ordered online, and celebrate his 13 birthday together ( woz 12 birthday reported here). God dad, I recently felt more solider to accept de facto that my offspring limits to one son. I trust Holy arrangement and humble of my son's mother family, her insanity. God dad, grant me more children in my prime time. bring me sooner my Crowned Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko. link our nations, our blood bond on new land that shared among us. bring more laugh and companions in my life in family forever hospitable and bright. BTW, these days media reveals misery of pangolins which extincting after sinful PRC Chinese insane appetite, God, dad, pl save the adorable animal, which is key to remain rampant ants lair everywhere those years under control. let's bee and pangolin forever happily enjoy the planet as we do. God dad, pl!

May 21, 2017

dreamt with ample details after migrated into US. an elder Chinese woman with her spouse contacted me for rent her house or living matters in America. yesterday I happily dispatched salary and sliced it into feeding small bills due monthly, ie. laundry, groupon for salon, spa, dining out. woz's birthday celebration also booked. local debtee received partial return. God dad, grant me next month reserves for my hosting plan renewal on godaddy. this week also somewhat busy. I napped on Monday morning after found jobless and exhausted after joys of reunited son the day before. Tuesday morning I restored, found I can add feedback form onto my google sites. then I launched to learn google form, component of Gsuite, to enrich my website's interactivity. my long time afraid of form and script in microsoft office suite cured by google form's easy to use. in an hour I built up my survey for my google sites and published, inc checkbox, multi-choice, rate, scale, dropdown, pictures etc lots of elements of interactive. google form's response analysis amazingly rich, in pie chart, bar chart, and lots of charts that's easy understanding while informative first impression. Friday I rebuilt my portable os on a retired ssd, after failed to fix ubuntu's lingering error. this time I made the bootable images more cleaner and handier. in woz's monthly visit my dorm, I demonstrated him my websites' new element, survey. and we enjoyed snack routinely, and hot water washing feet powered by dorm's heater just recovered from broke down. dorm canteen loaned me ￥100, but God knows how we satisfied in our companion and companion of hard times. God dad, my living so far designated to deal with a salary ￥3000/month, how real during hopes and joys in dealing with the only source of income. God dad, how I endear my life within this tiny time space here and now on the planet and before climate disaster, while we stride into big chances never seen holy grants. bring me sooner my Crowned Queen from Japan, Asoh Yukiko, and my vested Empire of China, and our future new land of north and water peculiar cold sweet. grant my cyberspace startup booming in business and influential of public mind. thx for my new summer pants with mobile pockets my nephew offered free weeks ago in my hard time.