#pinch raccoon

[pinchraccoon]

Pinch Reviews: Castlevania: Nocturne

I watched the new 8 episode series from Netflix and Powerhouse Animation, Castlevania: Nocturne. Nocturne serves as a stand-alone sequel to 2017's 4 season "Castlevania" from the same production hands.

While this Tumblr blog is to keep my followers up to date on the games that I've played lately, I have been slacking on my reviews and I am hilariously behind. This is to say, since my initial playthroughs of Rondo of Blood and Symphony of the Night, I've engrossed myself in the Castlevania series wholly, having played a total of 8 games in the series this year, and watched the initial series as well.

This review will come from someone who holds the games in very high regard, and *particularly* the stories and characters of Rondo of Blood and Symphony of the Night.

I'll be starting with a largely "spoiler-less" review of the series for those who would like to watch it, and it'll consist of about 1 paragraph of text.

Castlevania Nocturne is absolutely unrelated to Castlevania at large, with only tangential thematic or plot themes that connect it to the series' larger identity. While some might point to the presence of Vampires, Belmonts, and magic and say "well what else do you need?" I find many aspects of the series' identity in campy fun, but interesting and thoughtful instances of character writing the likes of which are seen in games such as Lament of Innocence and Aria of Sorrow, as well as the immense colorful, high-contrast visual style present in Castlevania media since the *very* beginning as elements that I lament the lack of presence of. At numerous points in the show, I thought "Why is this Castlevania? None of this is related to anything Castlevania? Why not just make an original property?" Which I personally find to be a damning sentiment, but I cannot fault the show for that which it doesn't do. To longtime Castlevania fans, you may find the show somewhat underwhelming. However, on a more general term, the show features more instances than not of choppy, flat animation, flat character writing, an irritating dialogue style, and underwhelming gore elements. However, they do *some* good things! There are a few characters who I could see viewers latching onto, and there's occasionally something cool that happens.

With that out of the way, I'll now be entering my *Very Spoilery Review*

First and foremost, Castlevania Nocturne's premise, while not completely and inherently distasteful, nor impossible to do in a way that's interesting, is done incredibly distastefully and uninterestingly. I am referring specifically to Nocturne's insistence on hilariously, absolutely wildly evil Vampires who "run the planet" essentially, who are motivated to put down the French Revolution because the existence of Democracy threatens the ease of the Vampire elite to control the Royalty of the world. I expressly don't think that this is a dumb, uninteresting, or distasteful idea inherently, HOWEVER, due to the nature of Vampires existence in their original literature and folk lore implications, it's incredibly easy to see the anti-Semitic, anti-immigrant inherent themes of Bram Stoker's "Dracula" all over it.

Again, I'd LOVE to see an idea such as this executed properly, however that isn't present here. Here's why. Nocturne features a cast of characters whose motivations are all in some way or another related to incredibly flat vampire characters who do nothing but kill for their entertainment and pleasure. I'm not calling for a reason to not kill the bourgeoise in the French Revolution, I just want a reason to latch onto the motivations of the characters in a way that isn't just "they're a different species than me and are also doing like, slavery and taxation and stuff and they killed someone close to me." Genuinely, EVERY SINGLE main cast member has someone who was killed by one vampire or another in the past, and while that works somewhat to unite the heroes emotional issues such that they can support one another (theoretically) it serves to illustrate the entire, sentient, living, vampire "species" as comically evil, wildly uninteresting, and most damning, caricatures of marginalized people being blamed for controlling all of human civilization. Which, to spell it out more blatantly to avoid the lack of nuance present on the internet, becomes uncomfortably synonymous with long-running theories of jews, or "lizard people" controlling government institutions.

I want to compare to Castlevania's own interpretation of Dracula as a way of demonstrating a "controlling vampire" done Right. Dracula has *very specific* *very pointed* origins and motivations that make him a far more compelling, and more than that, HUMAN, character who has a degree of feeling, despite the evil that he performs. Dracula does what he does because he's hurting, and he feels as though the world has turned and left all it's goodness behind, which, in his eyes, is the truth! It's not that he wants to control all of humanity, it's not that he wants to be worshipped as a god, it's that he just has beef, like people do.

Few to none of the vampires hold that same quality of "beef" in Nocturne. Most of the vampires don't speak, save for a few main heads of their movement, however, even these heads hold hilariously overblown, stupid, uninteresting, unsympathetic motivations that JUST serve to make me hate them on the notion that they're Objectively evil. Like, OF COURSE, I hate the Caribbean slave-owner vampire, and OF COURSE I side with Annette on hating him. He was a slave owner? Duh? You don't need to provide a thousand other scenes of the man being just flat out cruel in the interest of making me hate this man More. Half of his lines are belittling Annette, the other half is justifying slavery, and I'm not exaggerating.

Or, perhaps, consider the "main villain" of the show, Bathory. She's built up as "The Vampire Messiah" for FOUR EPISODES before we actually see her, and then when we do, FINALLY, get to see who this OVERWHELMING threat is, she just laments about, get this, HATING THE SUN. Of course she hates the sun, she's a vampire! That's the actual lamest conceivable motivation. Not to mention, she's insufferably annoying and isn't remotely entertaining to watch, nor are we ever sold on her power to any degree whatsoever other than a bunch of side characters saying "ah, well, she drank the blood of the Egyptian Goddess Sekhmet, so she's pretty strong, we would die for her." When your allegory for the ruling class is this comically evil in the "killing and maiming people" way as opposed to the "capitalist allegory" way, it reads as really wildly uncomfortable.

To summarize the last point, because of the commitment to making each and every vampire character comically evil, and the premise combined, it easily reads far too similarly to monster literature of the past which would seek to conflate the evils of the monsters in question with a specific demographic of people, which is uncomfortable to watch, and rather distasteful to write.

But my distaste for this show doesn't end there!

I'd like to discuss Annette. A lot of people are getting mad regarding "race swapping" or "omission of character in the interest of wokeness" which I think is a load of shit that I couldn't begin to entertain. I am not perturbed by the same things that those people are. Instead, I feel that the explanation of Annette and Edouard's backstory is incredibly poorly paced, and above all, gratuitous in their depiction of black generational trauma.

Annette in this series is an escaped slave who comes to France in search of a Belmont in order to hopefully be able to kill the Vampire Messiah who was foretold to increase the scale of the institutions of slavery that Annette had been fighting against for her entire life. I actually really like her motivation and how it reflects very real attitudes of Caribbean revolutionaries regarding how they felt about the French Revolution. But my main issues with the communication of her motives comes in the gratuitous depiction of a slightly dramatized form of the *very very real* trauma of slavery. This isn't like Toni Morrison's Beloved, or even something like Django Unchained, both of which don't shy away from detailing slavery in as gruesome of detail as possible for the purpose of demonstrating character as well as history. Nocturne demonstrates slavery comically, as it attempts to roll it's own fantasy elements in the same breath as their real-world slavery depiction. For example, the reason that Annette's mother is killed isn't related to the injustices of the notion of slavery in general, it's instead because her mother was practicing magic. I find that these elements in conjunction with one another create a dissonance that puts a bad taste in my mouth, all for the only real payoff to be such that Annette is knowledgeable of, and holds hatred to, the institution of slavery as well as magic.

It isn't a BAD thing to discuss, depict, or have subject matter related to slavery, that's absolutely not what I'm trying to say. What I feel that the issue here is is that a significant amount of the information and cruelty shown could have been omitted and the viewer would have the same understanding of Annette's character. Because they committed far more to demonstrating than was necessary for what elements they were attempting to explore, the incredible commitment to demonstration of black generational trauma feels gratuitous and somewhat cruel. Sorta like the writer is holding it over your head like "hey! you! did you know that slavery is ALSO bad when vampires do it? let me show you some just TERRIBLE subject matter to let you know!" Like, yes, I knew this already, slavery IS evil and is perhaps THE MOST evil, so we were already on the same page here.

This concludes my largest issues with the show from a standpoint of legitimate mishandling of social issues and sensitive subject matter, the rest is more about the show in general.

I don't entirely dislike the way that Richter is written on the macro scale in Nocturne, I feel that his very real connection to the Belmont Clan and the depictions of his mother Julia Belmont, as well as his grandfather, Juste Belmont (who I felt happy to see), was very interesting and worked to the themes. BUT: On the individual, what the character says level, I find Richter SO annoying. This is related to a larger dialogue writing issue with the show in general, which is the inclination to curse like a third grader who has just learned of what swearing is. The number of times that a character uses the term "fuck" or "fucking" purely to provide unnecessary emphasis to their sentence that was perfectly good without swearing comes of as flat out cringey. Now, I swear a lot! I'm not *against* swearing! But the way that Richter and every other character is written makes them all feel unbelievably annoying. Heroes, villains, everyone says "fucking" like it's going out of style! So much so that I might propose a drinking game where you take a shot every time there's an unnecessary use of the word "fuck" in a scene. Granted, I can guarantee you'll be wildly hungover the next day, so I can't recommend doing that.

One particularly damning scene is Richter's moment of personal growth this season, realizing that he has to fight with the whole of him to protect those who he loves, and has a cool fight scene with a bunch of vampires, in which he then says This:

GENUINE COP OUT. I cannot stress enough how every single character's childish inclination toward being edgy by swearing undermines every single character.

I'm beginning to ramble somewhat though, so let's touch on a few things that I think were good and bad, but don't have a ton to say about before we wrap up.

-Drolta is a cool character, and genuinely should have been the only main villain of the show. I also adore her character design.

-The action scenes lack interesting gore, which I felt was a overwhelming positive of the 2017 Castlevania series.

-The monster designs (and show in general) lack color, and it feels like a deliberate attempt to push against the legacy of the source material.

-The animation is excellent when characters are using whips, but very jarring in scenes of standing and speaking, or even in the use of magic.

-Tera is an awful mother figure character and I felt nothing when she was turned in the finale. It doesn't help that they only drew her face twice and copypasted it between scenes it feels.

-The romance plot between Richter and Annette appearing at the end of the show is the Most Forced shit I have ever seen, almost like the writers forgot that they were love interests in the original and decided that of All of the things they had to include that that was INDISPENSABLE.

-Richter, Annette, and Maria's dynamic as a group barely exists beyond each of them calling eachother "Wankers" "bastards" and other terms of endearment. It's a hollow and ineffective means of emulating the good writing that Trevor, Sypha and Alucard had in the 2017 series, and was that show's highlight.

-I like Edouard's arc of being a monster with a soul, and it DOES help to begin to demonstrate the theme of "the lack of absolutes in good and evil", which I'll discuss later.

-Olrox is excellent. He's written well, his motivations are kept close to the chest, and he's genuinely intriguing as a character. I quite like his motivation, I like his design, I like his voice, no he's great. Best part of the show, honestly. (and the only evidence thus provided [save for alucard] of a "not completely evil" vampire)

-again, the commitment to every character exaggerating their sentences by cursing like a child is unbelievably grating.

My final point is one related to whether or not I think that in it's current state the show is worth watching. Generally, with shows, I prefer that the show have some sort of thematic relevance that reflects the progress of the story, and while I can somewhat see elements of that being shown in the "absolutes of good and evil" theme explored by the Abbot, Olrox, and Edouard, nothing is actually done with this theme, and it only comes into contact with our main cast in the finale. As such, these themes are only seen in the same way that dramatic irony is set up, but not executed on. Because of the half-execution of this theme, I feel that the show feels hollow thematically, and feels as though absolutely nothing happens or changes for a single character throughout it's runtime.

In some ways, this show being 8 episodes is really fitting, as it feels like in any other anime when you watch a show to episode 8 and then stop watching, but in this case they didn't release or make the rest of the season, which will likely be released later on in a "season 2" that does literally anything at all to provide the themes or story elements any merit.

Personally, I think I would confidently call this show "unfinished." There is no "win" to match the characters growth, the little that they did, and I felt that I was left on a lazy cliffhanger because of arbitrary fail-states.

As a fan of Castlevania, this could not be further from its source material, as a fan of shows that are good, Nocturne also manages to fail.

It pains me to say that I don't think it's worth your time, as I really want people to get into Castlevania, but I really cannot stress enough that this show is not even close to a good demonstration of what the series is about, or what the series' themes are. Genuinely, I don't care if you don't care about the games, they are better than this show, which is hard to measure, because they're different mediums, but I'm confident in this assessment.

[sweetpeauserboxes]

[id: a light blue userbox with a pastel blue border and pastel blue text that reads "this user’s comfort character is pinch raccoon." on the left is an image of pinch raccoon from pb&j otter./end id]

[ur-fav-is-a-killjoy]

Pinch Raccoon from PB&J Otter is a Killjoy!!

Requested by: Anonymous

[bryan360]

Here’s my note before I’ll get started….

(NO COPYING OR PLAGIARIZING FROM ME AND ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIEND’S WORK! THAT INCLUDES OUR CHARACTERS, DESIGNS, STUFF, ETC. IMPOSTERS AND SEXBOTS ARE NOT WELCOME TO FOLLOW MY BLOG WHATSOEVER! 😡 That will be all….I mean it.)

On This Day - April. 2nd, 2017

Just a fun throwback where I did my “PB&J Otter” fanart; featuring the kids of Lake Hoohaw playing in their Nintendo Switch system.

Very fitting as they used to race before; especially back in the soap box derby episode in Season 1. Do hope they’re never get into any fights; same goes to break their controllers.

BTW in a unrelated note, just the reminder for “The Super Mario Bros Movie“ will be coming in 3 days away. I asked my mom if we have much time to get there at the movie theaters. So she asked me that we’re going on Thursday instead. I hope that the case or else I have to go through avoid for a long time….unless getting the dvd copy. 🫤

Tagged: @murumokirby360 @carmenramcat @alexander1301 @rafacaz4lisam2k4

[keeganjeannotte23]

Pinch: Come on, Scootch! Let’s help each other taking apart this beautiful kite.

Scootch: Okay.

Taken from: Baby Butter’s Bankie (Season 2, Episode 19)

[frogtablestudios]

Pinch happy to see Peanut (PB&J Otter)

[nevesceramics]

a peek at one of my favorites from this little pottery batch... droppin' @ 1 PM CT this friday! 🦝💤 (shop link)

[lilacthebooklover]

my friend and I angsted Bossman Hero during a shitpost RP so hard that now when we derail a shitpost RP to angst we go "oh fuck we have another Bossman Hero moment on our hands"

AS YOU SHOULD, LEGENDS

look at this scrunkly little guy and tell me you don't want to whump him. see? you can't. he's too whumpable <3

[violetncee]

today, i am thinking abt some of yuri’s poems, and feeling soft abt ‘em, so!–

GHOST UNDER THE LIGHT PT. 2

the tendrils of my hair illuminate beneath the amber glow. bathing. in the distance, a blue-green light flickers. a lone figure crosses its path– a silhouette obstructing the eerie glow. my heart pounds. the silhouette grows. closer, closer, i open my umbrella, casting a shadow to shield me from visibility. but i am too late. he steps into the streetlight. i gasp and drop my umbrella. the light flickers. my heart pounds. he raises his arm.

time stops. the only indication of movement is the amber light flicker -ing against his outstretched arm. the flickering light is in rhythm with the pounding of my heart. teasing me for succumbing to this forbidd -en emotion. have you ever heard of a ghost feeling warmth before? giving up on understanding, i laugh. understanding is overrated. i touch his hand. the flickering stops. ghosts are blue-green, my heart is amber.

[dravidious]

You're the most amazing

creature!

I also filled the other 5 color pairs with various frogs

[pinchraccoon]

Pinch complains about Castlevania art direction

how the fuck did konami go from this excellent Ayami Kojima classic box art

to THIS.

They did my boy so fuckin dirty, Soma and every character from Aria deserved to look better.

"oh, ayami didn't work on the DS games, she was working on the consle ones!" THERE WERE TWO OF THEM!!!!! Granted, yes! Those games *did* require character design work, and took a lot of time, but I feel like at MINIMUM, Dawn could have had A COVER produced by her?

What's worse, is that it's not like they flattened out the entirety of Dawn, in fact that game, whenever you don't see one of those "would be dubbed by 4kids" ass fuckin character sprites, looks GREAT!

Ayami Kojima (and Masaki Hirooka)'s style(s) best represent the sense of adventure and the poetry of the series' larger narrative. The intricate character designs, androgyny, and intense rendering style all served to really capture that feeling of "vampires and tragedy!"

I would even go so far as to argue that some of the traits from the more "Frazetta-esque" early games ARE reflected naturally in the progression from Rondo of Blood forward. A similar type of high contrast, gender celebratory, art that highlights that sense of Adventure.

And, to touch on Rondo of Blood, which is FAMOUSLY known for being far more "anime" in it's aesthetics than ANY other game in the series until four years later in symphony. THIS GAME plays it straight! It has charming, limited cutscenes that use the assets wisely.

It comes off as far more natural due to this game's incredible attention to detail in it's pixel art everywhere else. Because of the fact that this game's aesthetics are *rooted* where they're meant to be, and are trying to honestly convey events in greater detail it manages to be much more favorable in it's anime aesthetic.

Returning to Dawn of Sorrow, the only explanation, and the one that's been admitted to, is marketability. This aesthetic was selected because the Mid-00s saw the rise of a much flatter style of anime that could be more easily replicated, and the aim for quantity of art over quality of that art was clearly placed in high regard. It's anime slop because at the time, anime slop sold well, regardless of how it would age.

anyway, I'm streaming this game tonight

[raccoonfallsharder]

why. are all your rockets. so cute

i need to put him in my shirt pocket and keep him there forever. he can sleep on the pillow next to mine

government mandated summer fun

[keeganjeannotte23]

What a great summer trip for you guys!

[frogtablestudios]

Pinch Raccoon with pink dress

[temiizpalace]

☆┊STARTING TODAY, YOU ARE A HOST!

SUMMARY: after stumbling into the host clubs room and breaking an expensive vase, you have to face the dire consequences.. with grim of course.

MASTERLIST

GENRE: fluff, crack-fic

NOTES/WARNINGS: accidentally walking in while changing (not sexual), might be ooc, canon divergence

reader is afab, reader is yuu

after spending a couple days at nrc, you and grim have decided to finally start looking for ways to get you home. you held the creature tightly in your arms as you walked up and down the halls of the school, searching for the library. “myahh, henchman.. do you even know where you’re going? maybe i should lead the way. ” grim snarls, leaving you to roll your eyes.

“be quiet. no way in hell am i letting you off on your own. do you want to break another chandelier and risk another expulsion?” you retorted as you opened the multiples and multiples of doors. “all these rooms, and not a single one is the library..”

“maybe ya needa ask that ace guy.” grim shrugs, making you cringe at the thought. “in your dreams. him? helping someone at all? don’t make me laugh.” empty classroom after empty classroom. your constant bickering with grim had distracted you from even finding the library itself, ignoring the obvious signs.

unfortunately, your carelessness was going to cost you greatly. as you entered what seemed like your hundredth classroom, you were relieved to find the place bustling with students, hoping this’d be the place you were looking for. spoiler alert: nope!!

“welcome.” this isn’t a library.. it looks like.. a host club?!

night raven host club. a place where young men have far too much time on their hands, entertain other young men and women from other schools who also have too much time on their hands. think of it as.. a playground of sorts.

you hold the door handle tightly, practically leaving grim in a chokehold as you wished to fall into a hole and disappear. “sorry. wrong room.” you mumbled as you tried closing the door slowly. a hand pried the two sides of the doors back open, startling you at the incredibly fast reflexes.

“AGH?!” you yelp, nearly falling backwards. a boy with blonde hair and a very tacky looking hat stared daggers into your face, the silence becoming very uncomfortable. “could you be..” he murmurs, you and grim looking at each other with confused looks.

“..[MC] the magicless perfect and his weasel grim, perchance?” he smiles, causing a shiver to go down your spine. something tells you he’s trouble. “haha, nope! wrong person! super sorry, bye!” you try getting away, but your efforts are in vain as the boy pulls you back into the room, almost dropping grim face first.

“non! stay, you have walked into the host club after all.” he stated sternly, a whole group of other boys now staring you down. “floyd. jade. have you gotten the information i requested?” the one with light gray hair spoke, looking at two tall and lanky young men who are nearly identical. “im afraid not. they have just stepped foot onto campus recently with no traces of information or background.” one of them spoke.

“but they’re so small and teeny! i think i’ll call em shrimpy and his little buddy sealie.” im pretty they’re talking about me. and grim. you think to yourself as you stood there awkwardly. “..very well,” the silver haired boy looked at you, a polite smile on his face. “welcome to the host club, prefect. azul ashengrotto, housewarden of octavinelle. feel free to contact me in a pinch.” he came over to shake your hand, in which you reluctantly did.

“mon dieu! where are my manners!” the blonde exclaimed. “apologies, rook hunt, vice-housewrden of pomefiore at your service.” he took your hand away and lifted it up to his lips, making you flinch. “right..” grim pretends to gag, catching the attention of the two tall boys from earlier.

“so what really are ya, sealie? you some kinda raccoon or somethin?” the twin on the left said, laughing like a maniac as he snatched grim outta your hands. “now, now, floyd. even if our guest is a beast, it is still a guest. we must treat them with care.” the one, who you’re now assuming would be jade, said with a gentlemanly expression.

he turns his attention to you, his smile never dissipating. “a pleasure to have you, prefect. i am jade leech, vice-housewarden of octavinelle. if you couldn’t guess, this is my twin brother, floyd.” he pointed to his brother, who seemed to be squeezing the living daylights out of your ally. “GRIM!” you run over to grab your fuzzball, but he seemed to be locked in an iron grip. “hm? don’t worry shrimpy, you’ll be next on the squeezing list!” floyd giggles, making you shudder.

“oh my, things are beginning to look lively, aren’t they? i believe i’ve seen that young man at the entrance ceremony.” a short boy with a much deeper voice than you anticipated spoke, looking at his almost opposite counterpart. a tall man with horns, who seemed to be pouting, looked at him with a blank expression. “..is that so?”

“i say we join the fun!” the shorter one smiles, walking over to you and the twin. “welcome to night ravens host club, prefect! lilia vanrouge, vice-housewarden of diasomnia! over there is malleus draconia, diasomnia’s housewarden and future king of briar valley.” he stated almost casually, your brain taking moments to process that information. “don’t be intimidated, he’s just shy.” he smiles, the horned man behind him narrowing his eyes.

“don’t tell such lies, lilia.” he sighs, standing beside the vice housewarden. “okay, look. nice to meet all of you, buuuutt i really gotta get goin now!” you try prying grim out of floyds arms, in which they suddenly loosen. did you do it? “im bored of ya sealie, cmere shrimpy!” he giggled, turning to you. “no, no, NO!”

rook smiled from afar, watching the scene unfold. azul and jade stand by the side, watching as floyd chased you down. “floyd, don’t terrorize the guest of honor. it’d be such a shame if we lost a potential customer.” azul sneers, adjusting his glasses. the leech twin doesn’t spare him a second glance, only charging at you as you ran at high speeds.

“GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!” you shout, feeling your life flash before your eyes. “cmere, shrimpy! i just wanna give you a niiiccee tiiiggghhtt squeeze!!” he giggles, grim following trailing far behind him. “HANDS OFFA MY HENCHMAN!”

as you’re running, you feel yourself trip over your feet and nearly fall face first onto the floor. the nearest object to keep you steady was a pillar, which you thankfully grabbed onto in time. relief resided within you as you saved yourself from injury.

until..

CRASH!

sounds of glass shattering on the ground also happen to shatter your peace, peering over to see pieces of broken glass patterns scattered across the ground. “shit.”

lovely! first you and your accomplices char ancient statues and destroy a chandelier, now you can add destroying vases to your list! what a record.

“oh dear,” jade sighs, staring at the shards on the floor. “that just so happened to be an ancient vase found in the cave of wonders.. we were going to auction this off at our most recent gala.” he collects the broken glass pieces into his hand and stares at them with a frown.

“auction..? gala..?” you murmur, starting to feel a sweat on your brow. “that vase was going to start at 10,000,000 thaumarks.. what a shame.” azul sighs, feeling a plan formulate in his head. meanwhile, you felt your soul meet the gods and heroes then fall all the way down to greet the great seven.

no way are you going to be able to afford that.. grim felt like he was aging rapidly, falling over and fainting as he heard the outrageous pricing. “oh my, and i quite liked that vase too. it took me centuries to find it amongst my travels.” lilia murmurs, also catching you wide-eyed. is he being literal or figurative? at this rate, you won’t put anything past anyone in this damn world.

“non, non.. this simply cannot do.” rook sighs, holding his hat over his eyes. suddenly, a spotlight shines over him, raising his hat to reveal a mischievous gleam in his eyes. “then it is settled! starting today, you are the host clubs errand boy!” he points at you and grim, causing the beast beside you to hiss.

“WHO ARE YA CALLING ERRAND BOY! I AM GRIM THE GREAT! A MAGNIFICENT MAGE!” grim shrieks, making you cover his mouth instinctively. “e-errand boy?” you repeat, raising your brow. “oui, errand boy! we need someone to run the host clubs errands, and you both just so happen to qualify for the job!” rook smiles, grabbing you both by the shoulders.

and so, you ran the errands. running back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.. you get the idea. they worked you ragged, possibly even worse than crowley if you wanted to exaggerate things. you felt eyes on you each trip you made, you hated it. “henchman.. im tired..” grim yawns, swaying left and right drowsily. as much as you and grim argued, it was obvious you didn’t hate each other in the slightest.

“here, i’ll carry you.” you lift him up into your arms, cradling him in one hand while holding the brown paper bag in the other. when he doesn’t have his huge mouth open, grim was quite adorable. like a house cat. you smiled as he napped peacefully, setting down the brown bag onto a nearby table.

“oh goodness! is that yours?” a girl nearby chimes, pointing to the sleepy critter in your arms. “hm? ah, grim? not exactly, but he’s a friend.” you laugh awkwardly, rocking him in your arms. “he’s adorable! may i pet him?” she asks, a slight blush forming on her cheeks.

“sure, why not?” you smile, allowing her to brush her hand atop of grim’s head. wait, how’s there a girl here? “so cute! can i pet him too?” another girl mused, then another, then another, and another, til eventually you were surrounded by a mob.

if grim was awake, he’d either bask in this affection or push it away. but right now, he purred in contentment. “hm..” azul hums, staring at the group of girls and boys crowding you and your mascot. “..beautiful! absolutely beautiful!” rook evades the crowd and grabs your hands. “never mind errand boy, non, you’re going to be a host!”

“excuse me, what?” the crowd squealed in excitement at the thought of a new host, and to have it be such a cute and handsome “boy” as well! azul smirks, watching as another entryway to his elaborate pyramid scheme opens up. “jade, floyd, escort our club mate to the changing halls with a proper change of clothes.”

“right away./oki doki boss!” each twin grabs one of your shoulders and carries you towards the changing rooms as you gripped grim with all your might just to ensure he doesn’t fall. that weasel can sleep through anything..

“okay, okay, i get it! put me down, i’ll change myself!” you groan as you were placed onto the ground, yanking the uniform off the hanger. the two siblings awaited you outside the changing rooms, causing you to internally panic. there’s no way you’re going to escape now! and even if you could, you can’t just leave grim here! what to do..

maybe your best bet is to just play along. who knows what these stupid mages are capable of doing if you managed to leave.. you shudder at the thought of it. you change into the uniform, coming out with a fresh new style. jade chuckles, smiling in approval. “fufu, you look quite nice in your uniform. however, your hair is an absolute birds nest. it is best we take care of that immediately.”

“really? i thought it was fine— OW!” floyd aggressively brushes your unkempt hair out, causing pain to your scalp after each stroke. “sorry shrimpy, but ya got tons an’ tons of knots in you’re hair!” he shrugs, your yelps making this sound like a torture chamber.

“he’s readyyy!!” floyd cheers, presenting you like an item on display. rook covers his mouth with his hand, eyes wide as he looks at you. lilia holds his hand on his chin with a smile, inspecting you with careful consideration. “my, my, the uniform quite suits you! wouldn’t you agree, malleus?” he looks to malleus who stared at you with an intense gaze, almost to the point its uncomfortable.

“..you look much more presentable compared to before.” he stated straightforwardly, causing your eyebrow to twitch. was that a compliment? “gee, thanks.” you sigh, scratching the back of your neck. “C’EST MAGNIFIQUE! YOU LOOK STUNNING, PREFECT!” rook exclaims, rushing over to you and capturing you in a hug. “ACK—ROOK! CUT IT OUT!”

you shriek, feeling yourself lifted off the ground at the boys unexpected strength. “aww.. no fair! i wanna squeeze shrimpy too!” floyd pouts, pushing rook off of you and ultimately replacing him. “CAN YOU GUYS JUST GET OFF OF ME?!”

“floyd, that’s quite enough. as exciting as it is to welcome a new member, we still have guests to entertain.” azul sighs, massaging his temple. “boo, i don’t wanna.” the eels grip never relented, holding onto you tightly without even taking into account his job and status. you felt like you were going to burst before you were suddenly separated from the crushing grip.

“now, now, gentlemen. let’s settle down. azul is right, there are guests to attend to and we mustn’t dally on our duties as hosts! rook can show our new hire the ropes while the rest of us shall continue to entertain as per usual.” lilia insists, using his magic to keep floyd a considerable distance away from you. “lovely! what a beautiful idea! come now, prefect! we must transform you into a refined gentleman!”

and just like that, you’ve began hosting. as rook charmed the masses with his sweet words and enchanting poems, you chose to observe how the others won the hearts of these young women and men. “my dear, let me stay by your side for as long as the world allows me to. i am speechless just being within your presence, truly.” rook gets onto one knee, holding the hand of the woman before him. her hand rested on his chest, feeling it as it beat. “oh, rook..” she sighed.

oh god. you had to do that? seriously? you’ve gotta be joking. you look to the twins section, noticing they work in pairs rather than separately. “jade, you’re such a kind soul.. i’d love to end up with someone like you.” a boy coos as he covers his cheeks with his hands, only earning a chuckle out of the man beside him. “is that so? how utterly intriguing that is.. if you’d like, you can stop by the mostro lounge after this. your presence would certainly light up the whole cafe..”

“yeah, yeah, jade would be reeaaall happy to see ya there.” floyd adds, holding his brothers shoulder with a grin. you don’t even need to blink twice to know those two are lying by the skin of their teeth. jade couldn’t care less if that guy stepped foot onto the premises. he probably wouldn’t even care if they were eaten by vicious animals!

lilia seemed like quite the fan favorite. “my travels are certainly a tale! if you all would like, i am more than happy to tell you about them. each story has shaped me into the cute and adorable little thing i am today!” he muses, earning some ooo’s and aaa’s from the people around him. tales? why make yourself sound so old?

malleus was an interesting case. he didn’t seem to have spoke much, and once he did, it seemed his only topic were gargoyles. what weirdos reside in this club anyway? “ah, [MC], you and your cat seem to be quite famous at night raven college. the attention must be stressful.” a girls voice cuts you out of your thoughts, averting your attention.

right. you got this. just be cool! “it hasn’t really bothered me til recently, but i guess i’d better get used to it if i plan to keep attending this school without magic.” you answer, earning a nod from her. “so, how do you like it so far?” a boy asks, making you think for a bit. to be honest, things have been going shitty for the past few days. you made, what? 2 friends not including grim?

“i think my experience here is going to be wonderful,” lie. “especially since i get to spend my time with new personalities.” you smile, trying to charm them to the best of your abilities. was the making you cringe? yes. but it’s necessary.

“well to me, it seems like you’re nothing but a waste of space on their roster.” a girl jeers, stifling a laugh as she looked at you. “let’s be honest, a mage attending a magic academy without being able to master simple fire spells shouldn’t have been admitted at all. letting you into this club must be a way for rook to keep you from looking pitiful.”

what the hell..? what’s with this woman? it’s not like you had a choice! the urge to just straight up punch her is strong but thank the lords you had some self control left in you. “is that so? thank you for your delightful input.” you manage to murmur out, trying to seem unfazed. she hated it. suddenly, the table is tipped over and a hand grabs onto your wrist tightly.

you feel yourself pulled down, catching yourself before falling onto the girl. “[MC]! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET OFF OF ME!” she squeals, trying to “push” you off of her as she pretends to struggle. the attention of every guest is glued onto the unfolding scene before them, her screams growing louder. rook walks over, his expression neutral for the first time. cold water is poured over the two of you, making both of you soaked.

“you’re kinda loud, can you shuddup?” floyd scoffs, a bucket in his hands. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” her demeanor changes once her eyes landed on rook, her personality doing a 180. “r-rook.. those two brutes had just assaulted me! you’re not going to let them get away with it are you..?”

awh hell nah what the fuck man. this is the most pathetic girl you’ve ever seen in your lifetime. he sighs and tosses the girl a towel, making her swoon and smile. “awh.. you’re so sweet! than—“

“im disappointed, ma chérie.” he sighed, using another towel to dry off your hair. “faking a scene of such seriousness, i cannot approve of you.” rook looks to the girls expression, her face pale and drained of color. “oh dear, how troublesome. i believe it’d be best if we were to show her a proper goodbye.” lilia adds, frowning as he looked at her.

“faking an assault. how foolish of you.” malleus crosses his arms in disapproval. the girl stood in the middle of the attention, eyes laying on her at every angle. “jade. floyd. show our guest off campus.” azul snaps his fingers, the twins pulling out their magic pens. “of course. however, id rather not have to touch the thing so magic may be our next option.” jade smiled politely despite his insulting jab.

“you.. YOU IDIOTS! ROOK YOU IDIOT!” she yells, kicking and yelling as she was carried to the exit of night raven college. “how embarrassing, to think we housed a guest such as that in our club.. truly shameful. prefect, are you hurt?” rook asks, looking at you with a concerned expression.

“ah, no. i’m alright.” you reassured everyone, making a few sigh in relief. “i believe you should change into a new set of clothes. you’re are soaking wet right now.” lilia points out, making you embarrassed. “right.. i’ll change into the clothes from earlier.”

and so, you did. this whole incident was such an embarrassing thing to happen. while grim peacefully slept away, you had to deal with this shit?? this host club sucks. as you change, you hear the curtains shift causing you to swiftly look back. “prefect, we’ve got you extra towels just in ca—“

rook looks up and saw you. in feminine undergarment. he freezes, making you scream. “GET OUT??” the other host club members gather around, seeing as rook froze in place. as much as they all hate to admit it, they caught a glimpse of you before he closed the curtains, causing them all to look at each other.

no way.. you’re not a guy? they had just assumed so! considering there are some hyper-feminine guys here nobody really bats an eye to it. you blended in! you came out with an expression practically begging to be killed, feeling the life sucked out of you at each set of eyes on you.

malleus already knew from the start, as did lilia. jade suspected as much, but couldn’t help but feel surprised that his suspicions seemed to be correct. floyd was actually quite excited in contrast to azul’s extreme shock. seriously, the poor octo-mers face was red. rook couldn’t even move. like jade, he suspected as much.. yet..

“this proves to be quite the predicament..” rook suddenly spoke, his face twisting into one of delight and joy. “you had me fooled! color me impressed! from now on, i shall call you trickster!” he smiles, holding your hand tightly. you don’t even have time to process their reactions before you’re once again pulled into rooks embrace.

“i dont see why this is such a big deal though! im just doing your stupid club to repay my debts! who cares if im not a dude!” you groan, trying to break out of his tight hug. “oya? then i shall take your word for it! we expect great things from you, trickster!” he hums, seemingly unaffected by your uncaring attitude.

“your secret is safe with us, [MC]. we wouldn’t dream of sharing this with the public.. fufu..” jade smiles, his laugh sounding suspicious and slightly untrustworthy. “don’t you worry your pretty little head, shrimpy! jade, azul, an’ I won’t spill the beans.” floyd laughs, ruffling your hair with his hand. “r-right. ahem, we’ll be sure to keep your secret under wraps.” azul clears his throat, offering you a polite smile.

“we won’t tell a soul, you may take my word for it.” lilia flashes you a grin, his word more trustworthy than the trio next to you. “if anyone wishes to tell your secret with the others, they will not get the chance. you may count on me.” malleus mumbles, his threat sending a chill down your spine. “we’ll treat you with the utmost care! count on it!” rook finally adds, your eyebrow twitching.

“..thanks guys.” something tells me this’ll be a long year..

A/N: WOOOOOO FIRST ONE DONE!!!! lowkey kinda disappointed but WHATEVER‼���‼️‼️

date published: 8/3/24

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