#physical abuse is real
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Destroyer
Medical Conference
hi guys um. i cant stop writing destroyer. i swear ill figure out a system to organize these “bonus” chapters soon i promise i promise
delta is eighteen in this but the chapter delves into abuse he experienced when he was a child so cw for that
(Content: living weapon whumpee, lab whump, medical whump, put on display, dehumanization, conditioning, noncon drugging, needles, non-consensual/nonsexual nudity, noncon touching, physical abuse, emotional whump, angst, child abuse, child death mention, parental whump?)
~
“I forgot, sir,” Delta tried weakly. He knew as soon as he said it that he should’ve just kept quiet.
“No, you didn’t. You’re going to lie about it as well?” Dr.Martino shut down the attempt, focusing his attention back to the device.
Delta laid down unmoving against the steel table as the scanner searched over him. It gave him mild electric shocks each time it passed. Of course, he hadn’t been looking forward to the diagnostic tests. But he hadn’t been trying to get out of it entirely. That wouldn’t have worked. He only wanted more time to psych himself up for it. Too long, apparently. He’d had to be collected for it. It’d been a bad note to start on.
The rest of the exam went on in silence, without anymore mention of his avoidance. As Delta redressed, he thought he might’ve been off the hook for it. Dr.Martino was fumbling though his desk drawers like he’d already left.
He produced two unopened packs of pencils from inside the desk. Delta deflated a little bit.
Delta took the pencils and arranged them in two rows along the floor, lined up flush against one another. Gingerly, he kneeled down on top of them.
“Hands behind your back,” the doctor said, leaning back in his chair.
Already there. He knew the drill. He lowered his head, silently counting. No longer than twenty minutes, usually. No fewer than ten.
When he looked up again, Martino was leaning back against the table, flipping through a folder.
“The ISCEM conference is coming up in a month,” he said offhandedly, as if this would mean something to him.
“Okay?” Delta answered, more in confusion than anything else. He hadn’t meant for it to be disrespectful.
Nevertheless, Dr.Martino’s shoe pressed down against his calf, driving the pencils further into his skin.
“Yes, sir,” he quickly corrected himself. The pressure disappeared. The pain stayed where it was.
“You were probably too young to remember the last one, weren’t you?” Dr.Martino sighed.
“Yes, sir.” He didn’t really think about it. He was pretty distracted by the numbness traveling down his legs.
“Well, put it on your calendar. Don’t want you forgetting again.”
“Yes, sir.”
He didn’t have a calendar.
~
“Mention the steady-state thing we discussed. I have files on it, I - is it too late to make a copy? I will. And if you could just please pass along a message for me, I would be ever so grateful,” Simon went on, fumbling through his own briefcase, trying to give what he could. Dr.Martino took the reports from him, flipping them around to see the equations he’d scribbled onto the back.
“You’re not coming? Sir?” Delta added the “sir” on as an afterthought, conscious of the doctor’s presence. Simon himself rarely demanded such formalities.
“Don’t interrupt,” Dr.Martino snapped, more tense than usual. But Simon obliged him, stepping a little closer.
“Not my scene.” Simon patted his head. It was soft, but Delta reflexively flinched away from any hands that drew too near to his face.
Something on the desk beeped. The transit had rafted up.
Delta held his wrists up easily as Martino presented the cuffs. They were psychic tech, meant to restrict his powers more than the collar already did. Presumably some kind of safety measure. He felt his world going flat as they clicked into place, all his spatial awareness reduced to a single field of view. The effect was extremely disorienting. He nearly fell over getting off of the table.
~
He’d mostly evened out by the time they’d gotten to the hotel. He sat idly against the chair he’d been placed in, watching the doctor unpack. Everything in the room was the same shade of beige.
It seemed like they should’ve been able to go. Martino abruptly produce a vial from the bag. Delta recognized it as a sedative. He inserted the syringe into it, drawing it back up.
“I’ll behave, sir,” Delta offered. He eyed the needle warily; he’d usually have been given something in the way of warning.
Martino shook his head. He took a firm grip of Delta’s arm.
“Believe me, this is for your own good.”
Delta tensed his arm up, holding still as the needle entered him. Something cold shot into his veins. It took a long time for the chamber to empty.
~
It hit him before they even reached the elevator. He clung to Martino’s arm, needing something to brace himself against, however briefly. Martino assured him he wouldn’t have to stand for long. They moved backstage at the panel. Delta nearly collapsed into the fold-up chair.
The cuffs were briefly removed as he was given the medical gown to wear. His hands moved slower than he would’ve liked, but he was able to put it on. It tied along the front, leaving much of his chest exposed.
Dr.Martino took a minute to make sure it was fitted correctly. He cursed, noticing for the first time the visible boot print against the side of Delta’s ribs.
“Great. They’re going to think I beat you.”
You do beat me, Delta thought. Not as much as he used to. Not as much as Paris. But Martino still hit him.
The doctor felt over the bruise with his hand, reigniting the pain. Delta winced. It was recent — still tender. The sedative helped a bit. All his thoughts were coming to him in a haze.
There was nothing that could be done to cover it, so apparently they were just going to ignore it. The cuffs came back on around his wrists. He led Delta out onto the platform regardless, sitting him up against the stool. It was had a back to it, luckily. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to stay upright without it. He’d been trained enough not to slouch or to look so outwardly high, but it was definitely a struggle to maintain neutrality. He kept his head down. It was the safest, the easiest to maintain for a long period. People gradually filed in. Though he was used to being put on display, the sterility and lack of decorum in this new space made the whole thing feel all the more jarring. It all felt far away, though.
His eyes closed without meaning to. When he tuned back in, Dr.Martino was droning on. He recognized some of the words. He would’ve recognized more if he wasn’t drugged. It was a talk about internal power generation. Conduits. There was a hand on his shoulder. Delta stood up from the chair. The gown was pulled down a bit from his shoulders.
Martino pressed the multimeter to his collarbones, watching the number climb until it broke. He pulled it away before it could burn up completely. He pressed a thin disk up against Delta’s chest, where it held there. It was some kind of controller. A thin arc of electricity emerged from it without any conscious intention on his part. More appeared, each of them branching away from his body like a plasma ball. The effect was immediate; that familiar fear crept into the eyes of the audience.
It cut all at once. The disk was removed. Delta sat back down on the chair, pulling the gown back up over himself.
The lights darkened. Behind him, a clip show began to play. He didn’t need to look back. He’d seen it plenty of times. Different explosions, annihilations, destructions. All his own work. He could recount each of them to the second. It played for a long time.
For some reason, they clapped when it was over.
~
“Sorry — do you mind if I look at it?”
Delta opened his eyes again, sensing the it in question. He tensed up.
He hated being touched. The moderator stripped the gown back again. He felt the electric pulse still going about Delta’s clavicle. His hands traveled around the collar.
“I’m biomedical by trade,” the man explained, tapping at the gold, “This is custom, yes? When was it made?”
“The model’s about five years old. It gets updated about once a year.”
“Incredible. I see some scarring, though.”
Delta shivered as the fingers traced the burn scars by his neck, a bit on his trapezius. They were in the shape of a Lichtenberg figure.
“That seems non-optimal?”
“Those actually predate the collar. They’re a natural result of it overextending itself during an exercise. The restrictor works as a stopgap to prevent that kind of burnout.”
Though he’d expected it, it still jarred Delta just how easily Martino slipped back into calling him it.
Another scientist approached. She slid up to Martino, shaking his hand eagerly.
“Oh, darling.” He embraced her. She grinned, readjusting her jacket as they pulled away.
“Danny, it’s been ages. How are the girls?” Her nails clicked together.
Danny. The girls. Martino actually had a family. Not that he ever saw them. He had daughters. They’d been kids, the one and only time Delta had ever met them. They had to be in their twenties by now.
“Brats, the lot of them. They’re smart, though. Smarter than I was at their age.”
“Well, that’s not saying much.”
Delta was not surprised when her hands traveled onto him. He barely flinched this time. But he hadn’t expected her to speak to him.
“Oh, and look at you. You’re all grown up now, huh?”
She gripped his chin in between her fingers, studying his face. The touch wasn’t harsh, nor was it gentle.
“You probably don’t remember me.”
That was correct. Her face was vaguely familiar, but he could find no memories to attach to it.
“He’s a bit distant at the moment. You’ll have to forgive him,” Martino answered for him.
She released her grip, turning her attention back to the doctor. Even in his current state, it didn’t take him long to put it together. She’d been one of the teachers at the Institute. He wondered how many of them were wandering around out there now. Most of them. Dr.Martino had been the only one to retain some semblance of his position. All the other administrators had been cast away just the same as the students.
He had forgotten nearly every one of their names.
~
Martino packed up the last of the day’s display materials, arranging all of it back into the suitcase. It’d been a success, as far as these things go. He’d revealed all he could without breaching the terms of his contract. All the real science was under a strict NDA. It was nice to catch up with some colleagues, though. It was healthy to be off of a spaceship every once in a while.
He tugged Delta’s sleeve, pulling him up from the plastic chair. He took a minute to undo the cuffs; he’d thought they were an excessive measure to begin with and they had prevented any real show of power. Delta rubbed idly at the marks they had left there.
They made their way back up to the hotel room. The drug had not yet worn off; Delta still stumbled a bit when he walked. He’d redressed himself in a thick hoodie, trying to keep out the chill from the overactive AC or perhaps just trying to hide.
The door opened. Martino dropped his suitcase onto the bed. Presumably out of habit, Delta lowered himself to the floor, kneeling there. Waiting for instructions, as if he could have followed them. Martino scoffed.
“You can sit on the bed. I booked a double room for a reason.”
He watched the whole minute it took for his words to sink in. The way it took even longer for Delta to actually rise, blearily climbing up onto the mattress. His hands gripped searchingly across the blanket, pulling up the edges like he needed something to hold onto.
Martino ignored him. He moved to the far side of the room and opened the door to the balcony. The city skyline was clearly visible just down the road. The lights from it shone brighter than the stars from space. Martino produced one of the foreign cigarettes from its packet. The ember burned in the dark night. It was all quiet.
“What was I like when I was little?”
He turned to look at Delta. The kid was drugged out of his mind. He might’ve given him too much.
Dr.Martino took a long drag. He rarely smoked, so used to the endless sterility that he would not so much as dirty the air. But tonight was a rare night.
“What were you like?” He ashed the cigarette, turning back to look at the night skyline. “I don’t remember.”
Delta looked down, disappointed. He pulled the blanket tighter around himself. Martino sighed, losing the battle.
“…You were quiet. Same as you are now. You mostly kept to yourself.”
He gave no visible reaction.
“You didn’t get along so well with the other kids,” Martino admitted, some disdain entering his voice.
Delta looked up. His expression was totally blank.
“Why do you hate me?” he asked.
It was manipulative, and self-pitying in a way that did not flatter him. Martino put the cigarette out. He stepped back into the room.
Delta shrank back a bit. The doctor looked him over. His eyes had dimmed some, no doubt due to the sedative. His hands were unbloodied. Just looking at him, no one would have know what he’d done. Martino remembered the sound of bones snapping and the bodies out in the yard. He remembered the expression Delta had worn the first time he’d killed — as blank and unfeeling as the one he wore now. He did hate him, he supposed. He’d never been his favorite. All his favorites had been buried a long time ago.
He didn’t say that. He remembered his lines — and he cursed himself for ever diverging from them, even for a second. He would correct it now.
“There is no you.”
Delta opened his mouth as if to object, then thought better of it. Good.
“No more talking tonight,” Martino said.
Delta nodded, laying down onto the mattress. He fell asleep with all the lights on.
…………
tags:
@catnykit @snakebites-and-ink @vivulapom @scoundrelwithboba @whatwhump
@pumpkin-spice-whump @deluxewhump @fuckass1000 @fuckcapitalismasshole @defire
@micechomper @writereleaserepeat @aloafofbreadwithanxiety @pigeonwhumps
#whump#whump community#whump scenario#whump prompt#living weapon whumpee#whump writing#lab whump#medical whump#put on display#dehumanization#conditioning#noncon drugging#needles#noncon touching#physical abuse#child abuse#child death mention#parental whump#living weapon#delta#dr.martino#emotional whump#angst#totally did not model martino after any real people in my life haha what do you mean…..
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what i will always, alwaysss hate about the crowfeather discourse is how it got several people, even some people who i thought would know better than to spread such harmful rhetoric, to get up on their soapbox and say with their whole chest "child neglect is not abusive, breezepelt should get the fuck over it"
#ignoring how crow wasnt just neglectful here ofc. and how people defend his physical abuse too#but even this just really pisses me off like jesus christ what a disgusting thing to tell your young influential audience#''your parents are ignoring your emotional and physical needs? well stop being a fucking baby and get over it. its not THAT bad''#and even if thats not what they said exactly. what do you think neglect victims were actually hearing? be for real#idk what it is abt crows boring fucking ass that makes people fawn over him so hard theyre willing to demean abuse victims#this is the real reason i hate this character. like ig its unfair to have that fanon influence but good god now he just pisses me off
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tell me why kyles character on veronica mars has the most bizarre fucking villians wiki entry… you’re telling me he did all THAT… while looking like THAT?……
#bro is listed as a TRAGIC MASTERMIND………………… 😭😭😭😭#his hobby being orchestrating plans for revenge i know you’re fucking joking#also to be real for second the way his character turns evil bc he *checks notes* was physically. emotionally. and sexually abused…. intuit#interesting choice for an antagonist in your high school teen drama writers!!!!!#but at the end of the day. i am cracking up#kyle gallner#my posts#i love googling i love 2 google ~
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I do think shubble is incredibly brave and amazinng for coming out and speaking on her experiences in a public platform. physical Abuse isnt always (often its not even) punching or hitting or slapping. It can take amny different forms. Biting sounds silly wehn you hear it but it becomes very serious very quickly!!! Esp when u consider how strong human teeth are + how quickly infection can occur if the person bleeds, etc. Something “harmless” can always escalate. And shubble did not deserve ANYYY of it i felt like my jaw was open druing the entire stream. As a victim of abuse myself im really proud of shubble for coming out with this.im so glad she got the help she needed too she really deserves the world.
#tw abuse#ask to tag#It sucks when you look back and see how bad it was#for me im still currently going thru it but i still have moments where.m i reflect on things that happejed#where in the moment it seemed silly or illogical to be upset#but then u look back and u realize u had a very real reason to be upset#i felt shubble so much on that#it reallt does make u feel crazy#i hope shes ok!!!!#tw physical abuse
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What was up with cass fighting for his life to stop dean from rescusing sam (not to mention his almost enthusiastic jumping to move past sam's death) He did NOT have that energy when the roles were reversed
like summin smell fishy and it aint just cass's pussy
#i think *i think* this post is#anti castiel#or#cass crit#so im tagging accordingly in case#but yeag#sam winchester#mine#dean was so real when he dropped that banger 'and why does that something that went wrong always seem to be you' <- to paraphrase#Michael took over dean and he just dipped forever#shoving all responsibility onto sam: he was left to take care of the au hunters#look after jack#try to help nick who was wearing the face of his goddamn abuser#all the while he's being drained himself physically and emotionally over searching for dean#Like shit hit the fan and cass immediately drops off the face of the earth and when he shows up#sam has to save his ass#How many times did sam clean cass's mess and how many times did cass shove his fuck ups entirely on sam#the recent lucifer break-out being the most atrocious one. He broke sam's hell wall and apologized to DEAN he knew Lilith was the last seal#and helped bridge the rift between samdean he attributes ALL he learned from humanity to dean#and doesn't mention ANYTHING sam has possibly did for him#like what a cool friend man he's good to have around for the vibes and atmosphere but in dire times? He'd go mia on your ass#He'd go mia on your ass or make everything worse#making the post samptique✨️ and word dumping in the tags#samdean
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As the resident TVC expert, do the books ever address the fact that Armand has a substance abuse problem? I knew he had a familial history of alcoholism through his father but I’m reading TVA for the first time and I feel like I should have been keeping track of how many times he’s mentioned being intoxicated while in Venice. I’ve seen parts of the battle-ax sequence out of context but I never realized until now that Armand explicitly states that he’s also drunk while all THAT™️ is happening
😭 I am so flattered and happy to answer as well as I can, but I promise I really am NOT an expert. I've still only read up through TVA! 💚 I can't tell you if the question of Armand and substance abuse ever comes up in later books, though my suspicion is it won't.
(Also good luck on your reading of TVA! It's... a lot!)
It really is interesting to me that a lot of discussion especially around Daniel/Armand talks about Daniel's addiction but (and it's probably just because people are going based solely on the show which is so fair!!!) doesn't mention Amadeo getting drunk all the time in Venice. That includes the breaking-down-Marius'-door-with-an-axe scene and everything that follows. But the one that really kills me, and to me makes it clearest that Amadeo is turning to alcohol as a coping mechanism, comes earlier:
He was particularly horrified that I'd fallen drunk into the Grand Canal, necessitating a clumsy and hysterical rescue. I could have sworn he went pale at the account, that I saw the color dance back from his whitening cheeks. He whipped Riccardo for it. I was full of shame. Riccardo took it like a soldier without cries or comment, standing still at a large fireplace in the library, his back turned to receive the blows on his legs. Afterwards, he knelt and kissed the Master's ring. I vowed I'd never get drunk again. I got drunk the next day, but I had the sense to stagger into Bianca's house and climb under her bed, where I could fall asleep without risk. Before midnight the Master pulled me out. I thought, Now I'll get it. But he only put me to bed, where I fell asleep before I could apologize.
It's just got so many layers of awfulness - Amadeo falling in the canal comes up a bunch as a fun shenanigan in fic/discussion, which I love, but I also can never forget what follows after it. Marius whipping Riccardo rather than Amadeo but making him watch. Amadeo promising himself he won't get drunk again but then getting drunk again the next day. :/ Running to Bianca's house and hiding under her bed because it is 'without risk' in a way that the palazzo isn't. :\
TVA doesn't ever address it explicitly but I think it's pretty easy and justified to read Amadeo as having a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol, even without taking into account a family history of addiction with his father.
I feel like I've read a handful of devil's minion fics where there are explicit parallels drawn between Amadeo's addiction to Marius' blood and Daniel's addiction to Armand's blood, but I would LOVE to read a fic where like... Daniel and Armand talk about the fact that as an abused teen he was getting drunk every day in a way that was clearly not just 'people drank a lot of wine back in the 16th century'. If anyone has any recs like that I'd love to read them!
#asks#interview with the vampire#rose reads tvc#marius die in a fire for real this time#there was definitely stuff i was braced for in tva from discussions and things that surprised me#amadeo drinking so much was definitely the latter along with the like degree of marius' physical abuse#i hope this helps answer your question anon!#if anyone knows if this comes up in the later books please do reply!#god the writing of that passage kills me
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Does anyone ever think about how Breach's touchiness with Rex might be her attempt at convincing herself things are real. Because I do. I think about it a lot.
#generator rex#breach#“it's not real. it can't hurt you if it isn't real”#it'd be less painful if you shot me#Breach is so tragic to me I wish they focused on her a little more#we got two episodes about her and it was enough to break my heart#I want to see her being friends with Rex more#God I wish we got more about how she handled the aftermath of being dragged through time with her abusive boss#4000 years of being stuck in a form that's not physical- always coming so close to being able to manifest#only for van kleiss to go dormant before she can become real again#“he was- aware. for hundreds of years”#you know who else would've been aware? BREACH#my girl already had derealization issues she doesn't need this
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i find it sad that i’m more traumatized than i can remember
#i repressed/blocked out so much and i know there’s so much more that i don’t remember at all#my therapist thinks that there was probably a lot of physical abuse from my dad#but i only recently learned/remembered that i had had it once from him#it’s just so sad cuz it doesn’t seem real and yet it makes so much sense at the same time#traumatizedrhys#trauma#trauma recovery#traumatized#actually traumatized#childhood trauma#physical abuse#tw physical abuse#alcoholic dad#physical trauma#daddy issues#divorced parents#tw#tw trauma#tw abuse
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the thing about revisit of the fight in 1x5 is that Louis started it and Louis kept it going and Louis threatened to kill Lestat but it's kicked off because Lestat put his hands on Claudia. that's what tips Louis over the edge into physical violence.
and the other thing about that fight is that Louis was not going to leave Lestat. He's not focused on trying to get away or comfort Claudia, though he is enraged on her behalf. He is trying to hurt Lestat. He can't really hurt him but he doesn't know that yet. He wants to punish him for both what he did to Claudia and for Claudia leaving in the first place. honestly knowing Louis probably for some other stuff while he's at it. he's been punishing him for seven years. But I really don't think he was going to actually try and leave him. that's so fucked up. they're so fucked up.
#something about power in relationships and how you can't put it down even if you want to#louis can do whatever he wants to lestat and on some level it doesn't count#i mean it does count but there's nothing he can actually do to physically hurt him and his ability to emotionally wound is predicated on#lestat making an active choice to stay with him#whereas louis! might not even want to leave but does it matter?#it's still lestat's choice#to let him go or drop him two kilometers#lestat gets to choose if he's going to take it or walk out the door or be the monster#but what neither of them can actually choose to do is have a real fight#either lestat restrains himself or louis is paste#cw: abuse#womp womp#press says iwtv#genuinely curious about how the show is going to handle armandaniel if they get this far because like.#the show makes the point that dating a powerful vampire#if you are not yourself a powerful vampire#would be a tightrope even if they were very kind and sane and good at being in a relationship#the power disparity is just a lot#and also our exhibits a and b of powerful vampires are like#deranged traumatized in possession of questionable relationship ethics#really primed to be absolute nightmares#which is entertaining television#and i suppose that's my answer rip everyone the torments will be continuing as scheduled#all i ask is that ghost claudia gets to do bloody vengeance#interview with the vampire
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details bout michael n eins dynamic. 2 me (cw physical/emotional abuse, cannibalism, suicide/suicidal idealizations, ableism, self-harm)
michael only refers to himself as eins father when he wants ein to do something, any other time hes just michael .
lets ein not refer to him as sir to make him feel more "special" .
after eins mom broke up w zack she sorta got a bit. out of it. she started neglecting ein and she became depressed. The First Step in ein distrusting others bc his mother stopped paying attention 2 him. michael used a small amount of his magic to control her and make her drown herself in the kitchen sink and then kidnapped ein, making it look like she had killed herself and ein had ran away. .
just as a small thing of me hcing ein as a transguy, michael named him ein bc the meaning of "ian" (which is what his name is just spelled weird) is "God is Gracious" as a constant reminder that michael "saved" ein. .
ein wasnt tested on w forever potions (in the early stages w the other kids) because michael absolutely could not let Zack know he had his other stupid kid. when ein found out about the testing he was extremely upset bc he wasnt "special enough" for it. picture ein 6 years old begging for medical malpractice to be used on him .
he was tested later but as a teen when michael got out, since he didnt have access to the other children. although he wasn't able to use the full potions since he didnt have access to emeralds at the moment, so he used diluted versions of the potions that weren't as powerful via syringes. ein gets a fear needles from it .
when michael n the other two idiots were locked in the pocket dimension ein went through a brief depressive period bc the One Guy he (thought) cared about him disappeared. when michael did get out he didnt tell ein immediately bc he . doesnt like ein but when he found out ein got arrested he told ein that he should stay in jail for a few months to "learn his lesson" .
slightly unrelated but when michael wanted him out of jail he also wanted ein to disappear off the radar so he faked eins death in jail. originally he wanted ein to die in like a riot but ein, sensing an opportunity, asked for it to say he killed himself instead. the opportunity being aphmau half way into her uni course looking up her old high school bullies to see what theyre up to and just finding out ein is Fucking Dead .
the potions michael uses on ein are mainly magic power related (like eins Green Laser) because he likes manipulating ein into doing things rather than using his magic because its "more fun" .
michael subconsciously views ein as his actual son (mcd travis) bc he feels like "this one is a better son" or whatever .
not a specific thing but mother knows best reprise from tangled is a Viewpoint on their dynamic 2 me .
ein is internally scared of michael but he never verbally says that and if anyone asks him if he is he denies it immediately bc he doesnt want pity. you can see it in his eyes though. elizabeth is really the only other person who mentions it but she mostly uses it to make fun of ein because she "doesnt think its that bad" (<- she is unaware) .
bc of michael ein absolutely hates unwarranted physical touch. he reacts violently if anyone grasps his shoulder from behind or touches his upper arms. the only touch he usually allows is people lightly touching his hair/head bc he still registers it as headpats (grabbing his hair usually results in him biting) .
michael usually physically threatens or abuses ein to reprimand him but sometimes he throws ein into the Metaphorical Torture Box for entertainment .
basically most of the things michael does to ein is for his own amusement .
he also heavily dehumanizes ein to convince him to do evil acts, rationalizing it to him as "you arent a person so is it really that bad??" ein does not view himself as an actual person at this point more so as a nameless soldier, a weapon, etc .
i used this for an old fic n stuff too but also michael makes ein commit cannibalism to forcibly dehumanize him more. he wants to make ein feel entirely disconnected from humanity (like michael feels for himself) so ein will basically be a "mini michael" .
ein also consciously copies michaels mannerisms/speech. only really elizabeth n zack notice it however and it just fucking freaks zack the hell out (elizabeth is also freaked out by it but mostly ignores it) .
theres just a general theme of a loss of control for ein in general. he gets a small allowance from michael and hes not allowed out overnight, all his communication is usually internally with the researchers or guardian forces. most of the time ein self isolates from them, viewing them as beneath him and michael. when they try to talk to him its a 50/50 whether he'll tell them to fuck off or he'll hiss at them .
another specific detail is pre s4 ein fucked up a potion and instead of his usual reprimand, michael used pliers to defang ein. in his head its the one thing ein can't rationalize about michaels actions (the one "seed of doubt" he has). he usually makes excuses for michael's actions towards him but being defanged is the only one he struggles with since he knows that michael knows how important his wolf side is to him .
pre s5 and just like at the end of s5 (when ein was seen on the bridge) he was going through another depressive episode bc he missed his ears and tail. he was mainly just going through the motions of his daily life but he was barely holding on. michael repeatedly discouraged ein from committing because the plan would be messed up because of it (michael said that directly to him) and he would imply that ein would be a traitor if he went through with it. .
michael actually flipped between discouraging and encouraging ein to commit to see what he would do. .
he's caught ein self-harming before, w ein attempting to either drown or smother himself. michael doesnt like doing this regularly but most of the time he lets ein hug him so he feels "comforted". other times michael just scolds him and tells him to not do it again. .
i also hc ein as a low empathy autistic (bc # me) and he used to stim very openly and loudly but michael disliked that part of him so he "trained" ein to not stim in public which just results in him being constantly overstimulated, a contributor to Ein being fucking mad all the time. hes like a hair trigger away from a meltdown at all times .
the only method of stimming ein can usually get away w is when he scratches his arms/scabs. unfortunately he doesn't trim his claws and it usually results in ein making himself bleed or reopening scars. michael has attempted to get him to stop doing this but its pretty much a compulsion for ein at this point.
#basically this all boils down to “how horrible can i make eins life before it gets too much”#the answer is never#cw physical abuse#cw emotional abuse#cw cannibalism#cw sui mention#cw sui ideation#.... do i put this in the main mystreet tag#vinny's evil mystreet thoughts#mystreet#ill do both iguess#aphmau#aphverse#mystreet ein#mystreet michael#mystreet demon warlock#mcd demon warlock#idk if i want a tag for michael n ein too.... but itd be fun. i guess#i cant think of one rn if i think of one ill edit the tags n put it here#cw ableism#cw sh mention#just as a mention: i do still think ein is responsible for his actions. he still did all those things#i just think that with The Real Devil as a guardian he probably didn't have much of a chance at being anything else#also eins fears: the ocean. needles. loneliness. abandonment. medical things in general. authority figures yelling at him
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I don’t think using the term “narcissistic abuse” is ableist.
(addendum: if you are triggered by the usage of the term, please enforce a boundary for yourself to ignore posts like these (just like how I ignore posts that trigger me). I am not wishing harm on anyone. I am working on healing, moving on, and also forgiving people - but it does not change what happened.) Ableism is the blatant discrimination of those with disabilities - calling the abuse cycle by its term (there is no other term that accurately describes what I went through) is not ableist. Just like calling me autistic is not ableist. Just like calling out my previous codependency and people-pleasing that caused me to chronically lie to people is not ableist. The term is DESCRIPTIVE and it is indicative of a real thing that happens.
I know other people think that it is ableist.
I know people won’t believe me when I say it saved my life.
You know how no matter what you do or say, someone will find issue with it? Doesn’t matter how many degrees you have, the amount of medical validation you have received, the things you have witnessed, the insistence that I am not proposing harm to anyone (I am insisting on accountability though!), etc.
There are people who will not believe you or take it personally.
The lesson I have learned: I need to trust myself with the information I have right now. I can continue to learn more about people and the world, but I am not responsible for people thinking that my usage of a term is vilifying a whole community. I have faced this my entire life (telling white people about white supremacy and appropriation and then having them accuse me of vilifying all white people; countless other black-and-white examples).
So whatever.
Call me a monster.
After all my abuser probably calls me one.
#healing#trauma#neurodivergence#queer#cw narcissism#narcissism#narcissistic abuse#what I went through was real#I guess I’m a monster now#I don’t think it’s ableist for real#I’m autistic#I have adhd#I have been emotionally and/or physically abused my whole life#I thought my ex-spouse loved me#but they were emotionally abusing and playing me the entire time without getting help
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I think that Guillermo, at the end of Laszlo's 'Roast' party in episode 7, will reveal his secret.
The party will most certainly devolve into a roast of him instead, because of course it will. Because Nandor won't be able to make clever jokes or get anyone to laugh and in order to save his ego he'll do what he always does in those situations and sacrifice Guillermo in its place. He'll say unnecessarily cruel things because he thinks no one person can be more important to him than the fear of his own weakness. He'll pile it on too. One thing after the other. Maybe the other vampires invited to the roast will laugh along because familiars are easy marks. And the heat will build. There's only so many lashes Guillermo can take on behalf of Nandor's pride. And Laszlo, Nadja, and Colin are starting to grimace and wince.
And that's when Guillermo will do it.
He will stand up, with the chair he was sitting in making a horrible noise across the wood floor like a record scratch. To let you know that the party has been violently cut short.
And Laszlo will do a panicked head shake, maybe try to salvage the situation from the precipice that Nandor has unknowingly brought them to. That Guillermo is about to jump off of. With all of them helplessly attached.
Guillermo was put in the audience on the other side of the room. Already segregated from the rest of the group. He's in a room filled with vampires who were just laughing at him but now look. Nandor's peers. The whole vampire community is here, watching him.
Guillermo's vampires sit across from him at a long table with a podium, like a panel of judges. Like he's a prisoner standing before the pulpit awaiting a verdict. He's got one last moment to either swallow the pride he just started to embrace on a float earlier that year and sit back down, let himself be ridiculed like always but live to see another day ... or burn it all down like it deserves to be, with his plea of guilt.
Holding a struck match, Guillermo will finally speak the truth to Nandor. To everyone. The real truth. The one he hasn't spoken out loud yet. The one nobody knows.
He will say, "I have a joke." And everyone will listen.
"I paid to have some barely-turned, low-rank, nothing of a vampire. Who hasn't even been one longer than I have been a familiar…to bite me. And turn me. In the back room of a gas station where he works. And he did it."
"I've been turned by a vampire that wasn't my master. That wasn't you."
Guillermo's jittered, bitchy energy tapers. He no longer fidgets or looks around at the faces slack-jawed at him. He's gone cold.
Like a killer, he delivers the next blow straight at his master's heart, sitting across the room at the podium, similarly frozen in place.
"But that's not the joke."
"The joke is, I may not have known how taboo it was…that it would be such a big deal to everyone else…but I did know…" (he licks his lips and despite his unshakable intent the uncontrollable emotion he always carries inside him threatens to undo his composure. Still, he keeps his voice loud and steady. Mostly. His attention is focused. His eyes start getting a little wet, but he hardly notices. He's going to follow through.)
"I didn't even really do it because I wanted to. Not then, or like that. (Not with him). Not for the same reason I had wanted to do it before. Or the reason I told Laszlo and Nadja I did it."
"See…the joke is…"
(His voice has become softer. It still carries across the room easily. There is no one else in the whole house but Guillermo and Nandor.)
"I did it because I knew how it would make you feel."
"I did it because I wanted to hurt you."
#wwdits#what we do in the shadows#guillermo de la cruz#nandor the relentless#nandermo#and Harvey will do that thing that he does so well#that beautiful little exhale - like he's been holding his breath this whole time#like it was him not Nandor that had just been given a killing blow#and Kayvan will do that thing that HE does so well#going from being a fucking cartoon character - like he was drawn by wb in the 50s and lives by the Bugs Bunny laws of physics#he walks thru fallen anvils and acme dynamite mostly unscathed because it's funny#and then without any warning he's /real/ he's a real physical living breathing human man (vampire)#he walks on earth and lives by the same laws of nature we do and he can hurt and be hurt with equal ferocity#Nandor's mouth is slightly open and his eyes have a quality of both dissociation and focus on Guillermo#like someone watching tv instead of real life#like this horror was happening to someone other than him#and after his exhale in the dead quiet of the mansion Guillermo turns away from Nandor and leaves#after 13 years of continuous abuse of Guillermo in order to fuel the lingering dredge of Nandor's barely functioning ego#Guillermo himself kills it in one short decisive moment#because he was always the only one who ever could#who held that power over Nandor the whole time#and it cuts them apart like a guillotine
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tehe im so silly
#original poem#poem#mine#spilled words#trauma#mommy issues#generational trauma#child abuse#childhood trauma#girlies who get it will get it#child neglect#turned into complex ptsd#yolo we are so silly#girlbossing#cannibalistic imagery#canibalism#poetic violence#how is that not a tag we love materialising emotional trauma into physical violence to convince ourselves that its real and valid#i love my mum#but i hate her also#avoidant personality disorder#this is where it all comes from xoxo#help im stuck in hatred!!!#everyone is fine now but im still catching up on my anger#does it mean nothing that you've hurt me???#there is something wrong with me being unable to love you#its 4 am and i want to#hang my ribcage on the moon.
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Another headcanon for the Monday-verse I have is that, unlike our Doc and Drew, Doc and Drew Monday planned for Zak to be born with his powers.
...If only because I can't think of any other reason why the two of them would have had a child in the first place, especially not continue to keep him around despite the fact that they detest him.
#the secret saturdays#doc monday#drew monday#zak monday#like. think about it for a sec#they clearly hate zak. it's implied that they physically abuse him#i imagine that zak s was a planned pregnancy with unplanned powers#and zak m was an unplanned pregnancy that the mondays took full advantage of#they keep zak around for his abilities only#it's not like they'd care if dumping a kid somewhere was illegal the mondays are already on the run#there's no government telling them that they have to take care of their kid because they wouldn't care even if that was the case#so why the animosity if zak m is useful??#he was supposed to be loyal to mommy and daddy but instead fell victim to another puppet master: komodo#komodo told doc and drew about the kur stone and the three of them planned for a baby to act as a vessel for that power#a baby that they could mould and of course eventually use to double cross one another#it's just that komodo sank his claws in before doc and drew could and zak is loyal to him#hence the thin veneer of love that drew m shows in her debut episode that is completely gone the second time we see her#escaping the mirror was komodo's way of rubbing in their faces that zak was his plaything through and through#''my most loyal servant'' headass#the real tragedy of zak m is that he was never loved by anyone he was only ever used for what he could do#and in the end with all that revered power he still died and left no one to mourn him#anyway I'm normal about this show
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@infernalpursuit inquired: how does your muse react when they're scared? does it change, depending on what is currenly scaring them?
(( Oh, absolutely it depends on what's currently scaring her!
The thing you have to understand about Miranda is that she's less of a person, in the sense that her personality and reactions are organic and naturally occurring, and moreso that she's someone who has been so intensely groomed and micro-managed and pushed in such a specific direction that a lot of the way that she is is entirely on purpose.
Her personality isn't really a natural product of her birth nor her circumstance in the same way someone else's personality might be. It's more like... There's no way that people can go through something like what she had gone through and not turn out in a very similar way to her. It's a designed process in this way, something that very intentionally obliterates any other chance to be anything else, and makes becoming this highly specific mold of a person into a life-or-death matter, something that you can't will or whim or nature your way out of. Miranda is the way that she is because she's been intentionally ground down and shredded into the person that she is. She doesn't really have a concrete sense of self. She doesn't even really know who she is. She's not supposed to, she's just supposed to be a means to serve a singular purpose and a singular end, and all she even can comprehend doing is that purpose.
Fear is a major part of this process, this total obliteration of any other mere possibility, but I also feel like it's a little disingenuous to call it fear in the same way most people would relate to it. It's the kind of fear that's so big and bone-deep and constant that it stops really feeling like fear at all, the kind of thing that Miranda herself has a very hard time of realizing that she's feeling even when it's particularly bad.
It might be more accurate to call it getting locked into a constant state of flight-or-fight. It's a constant existential threat where Miranda is sincerely and totally convinced that she could die at any moment and anyone could hurt her as much as they wanted, constantly living solely in the very present and unable to think of what even a short distance ahead in time would be like, because she just never feels comfortable or secure enough to stop thinking of the right now. She's what happens when the fear has been intensified strongly enough that it never dips below what would be debilitating for anyone else, and thus has become wildly detached to her own body, physical harm to her body, threats to her own life, or any escalation of fear.
This is, in fact, one of the things that I worry about disappointing roleplay partners with at times! Because their muse will act scary or try to frighten Miranda, and it just doesn't work. She just doesn't respond to the situation in a measurably different way than how she normally does, because she's under so much constant stress and strain and terror that it's not really any different to her than how everything else already is.
The only real times when she starts to show it, in fact, are places where her aversion and fear of them have been specifically cultivated. Miranda is a tool, and a tool doesn't break under expected strain, but you do have to be able to sharpen it and make sure it remains useful. You do have to take it apart to do maintenance on it, make sure it's working. The points where Miranda starts to actually, sincerely, show her genuine fear and terror, are during these points and in these situations where her aversion of them can be used to punish her and make sure she's being redirected in the proper direction.
In which case, Miranda's fear response is also highly specific and the only real option that other people who have gone through it come out with.
Mostly, she freezes up. She starts fawning hard. She lets it happen, over and over and over again until the object of her fear goes away, because it's going to be easier if she doesn't fight back or resist. She starts disassociating, disconnecting from her body and her thoughts, forgetting where she is or what's happening to her, because then she doesn't have to be present to register it and the memories are easier to repress later. She starts to people-please, trying to make the object of her fear happy and content them, because doing what they tell her to do and making them happy makes it not last as long. If she just does what they want her to, then they won't hurt her as much. If she just listens when she's told, then she won't get punished as much.
The end result is that she's very... robotic, in a sense. She does what she is told, to the letter. She will do what she is told, and she will not fuss or cry or cause any further problems if it also hurts her as well. She will be good, because the only choice other than being good is total obliteration. They should tell her what to do. They should make her do what they want her to do. It's okay that she's not there, or it's hurting her. It's even better if that happens, in fact, because then it's not as bad. She will not mention it after the fact, she will not hold it against them, she will not upset them again. She will be good. She was designed to be good.
Which, again, is part of why Miranda's fear response can be so inappropriate sometimes... Because she's been cultivated this way, because other people punishing her is so ingrained into her mind as a fundamental way of being, very often she will pick the seemingly much scarier or painful option over that cultivated social fear. She will happily hurt herself for someone else, and she will not be afraid of it, or be very upset at all. She will happily do many frightening things and deal with things that anyone else wouldn't be able to, because she's already locked into a permanent state of terror, and the only exception would be what happens if she doesn't do this. She's a tool. The only thing a tool has to fear is not fulfilling its purpose.
It's why she keeps doing increasingly dangerous things, too, seemingly without regard to her own life or death. Fear is an adaptation which allowed living things to avoid situations and things that were dangerous to them. Because Miranda's fear is constant and always at its peak, she doesn't register minor fluctuations to it, nor does she have it to try and get her to avoid things that might or will hurt her. It's also why her pain response is so bizarre and detached, and doesn't take very many efforts to avoid pain in general.
It also means, too, is that the potential for other people accidentally setting off or triggering this particular type of cultivated fear is very high, basically intentionally so. She has to be easy to control and redirect as needed, after all. If someone else gets close to her, gets her in an intimate situation similar to how she was cultivated to respond to punishment, then she can very easily get locked into a loop that they didn't know they were setting off. She's not in the state of mind to notice contradictions or try and correct herself, let alone notice if something is wrong, so nothing she can do can stop this from happening beyond general discouragement from those situations.
It just also means that it can be rather upsetting for other people when they notice that Miranda's immediate fear response, in wholly out-of-proportion situations, is to just sit there and take it without protest, even to the point of seemingly not reacting to someone nearly killing her if they do it in the right way.
#Most secret royal advisor || OOC#Dreaded rumors || Asks#infernalpursuit#self harm#abuse#physical abuse#disassociation#(( JUST. REAL ROUGH.#(( but yeah its basically just like#(( shes been so groomed to only be afraid of highly specific things relevant to the merkingdoms goals#(( that she just doesnt respond to anything else#(( as its not any different from the background level of Constant Terror she feels at the rest of the world#(( its the difference between miranda being so confident that all of these people absolutely cannot kill her#(( and her absolutely needing someone who shes close to to be able to kill her#(( because. its tied to emotional closeness and vulnerability#(( she was already told and encouraged to think the entire world wants to kill her and hurt her#(( and she should not let them and if she does get hurt by it then she has failed#(( (while still being utterly terrified of the sheer Concept. just in a more detached manner.)#(( but if someone already associated with her and who she views as someone close to her#(( decides that she needs to die. then that is matter of fact and she just has to die now#(( she will lay her head down and she will not fight or talk as they do it#(( like. so much of her contradiction and her strange behavior and inappropriate reactions#(( are because she thinks of herself as and has been treated as an inanimate object first and foremost#(( just. REALLY cant overstate how constantly miranda is at Peak Terrified at all times.#(( this is an eternal thing in the back of her mind that has been placed there very intentionally#(( and even without the merkingdom its gonna take a lot to deal with that#(( (as you might be able to guess from. having a fear response that is ''let them do whatever they want to me'')#(( (''and hope it stops soon'')#(( this is also where miranda's suicidal impulses come from! because the same need to dispose of her has also been put into herself#(( you know. so she can manually dispose of herself if she breaks and no one else can get rid of her
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Something else that makes me sympathetic to Pharma's situation is like. Idk if there's an actual term for this or if someone smarter and more academic wrote it about some real life context that actually matters.
But, so we've already established among Pharma stans that the circumstances at Delphi were blackmail/torture with no real way out that wouldn't involve Pharma being responsible for people getting killed (either killing patients for the deal or having everyone die bc he failed his end of the deal).
And I feel like while "he's still in the wrong because he killed people" is part of it, another sort of implicit part is the idea that Pharma should've been willing to take more personal risk, maybe even risk dying? I mean, Ratchet does ask "why didn't you just detonate it near the DJD" (to which Pharma responds that he did try to get Sonic and Boom to do it, but they refused) so like
Idk I feel like we do have this social notion of martyrs as a very romantic ideal, people you can praise for being so brave and strong and righteous that they ended their own lives for their cause, while you can also coo about how sad and tragic it is that dying is what it took for them to do the right thing. But at the same time I feel like in reality, having an expectation that people become martyrs is kind of a toxic social norm bc like. It's very easy to demand that others sacrifice their lives for some Ultimate Moral Good when you yourself aren't experiencing the same hardships as they are. And ultimately it is kind of fucked up to tell someone "the moral thing you should've done was risk your life/kill yourself" because asking someone to pay their life to do the right thing is no small request. And sure, the typical response would be to call them a "coward" for caring more about saving their own skin instead of doing the right thing... but again, death is a really scary thing and self-preservation is a really strong instinct, so it kind of feels like having this binary view of "you're either a Brave Hero who sacrifices your life for everyone else or a Dirty Coward who's too scared of dying to do what's right" is kind of fucked up?
I guess the best way to describe it is that if someone willingly gives up their life as a sacrifice to others, it can be a noble thing because it's a choice they made willingly, but if it becomes a Moral Standard that in order to be a Good Person you have to be unafraid of throwing your life away and if you aren't willing to die you're a Cowardly Bad Person, that's when it becomes toxic.
Idk, I guess how this ties back to Pharma is that he was never in a position where he expected to make these kinds of moral decisions/ultimatums. He's a doctor who doesn't even get into combat, his job is to heal and not to kill, he's behind the front lines in a hospital that's supposed to be a safe, neutral place for him to heal people. So in the face of suddenly having a "murder people on behalf of me, or I murder everyone you swore to protect" ultimatum thrust upon him, I understand why Pharma wasn't """"""""""brave enough"""""""""" to "do the right thing" (whatever that would've been in the case of Delphi). You could argue that maybe a frontliner soldier accepted the burden of possibly dying for their cause and they've become used to it as someone who lives that reality every single day, but I feel like for Pharma, who's a doctor and a protected non-combatant (from what we can tell), that sort of risking of his life/living with the fact his life could be snuffed out any day isn't something he would've been prepared for at all.
And for me personally, from an outsider's perspective, it strikes me as kind of unethical to go "oh well he should've just detonated the bomb himself even if it killed him" bc again, there's a difference between witnessing a moral conundrum as a bystander versus being the person living with it and being under time pressure where it's do-or-die. Just as part of my personal standards, I feel like death is such a huge consequence/burden of someone's actions (literally you are no longer alive, any potential you had left is cut short, you cease to exist on this plane) that it feels rather callous to go "Well you should've just been willing to die for your beliefs if you really cared that much!!!"
#squiggposting#pharma apologism#this is only like tangentially related to pharma honestly#not to compare blorbos to real life but like. it reminds me of this phenomenon where privileged ppl in privileged countries#will tell ppl living in zones of war and strife 'oh well if you don't like your gov so bad just revolt against them'#like oh yes tell me how easy it is to stand up against the threats of torture and death#surely the only reason people would want to avoid that is bc they're cowards or don't want to stand up for their beliefs#contrary to what nationalism would have ppl believe. 'wanting to not die' isn't a moral position#everyone wants to live. no one wants to die. it doesnt make you a bad person to be scared of dying#esp (going back to blorbo's) in a situation like pharma's where every option he had ended in death#the death of his patients or the death of everyone at delphi or his death personally#on top of the fact he's a noncombatant who hasn't been desensitized to violence/risking his own life#and is dealing with a trained group of killers that he can't possibly match on physical terms#so yeah actually i don't blame pharma for what he did#he made shitty decisions in a shitty situation but was ultimately a victim#also if you want to view the blackmail deal from a framework of abuse#it is also fucked up to basically tell someone they werent brave enough to just kill their accuser or ask for help#isnt the entire point of such situations that the victim is both powerless to stop the abuse#and too afraid of asking for help/thinks they cant ask for help. and thats why they dont just get out#idk sometimes the best moral judgement is to forgive someone or view it as 'complicated'#sometimes regardless of the good or evilness of their actions the best choice is to not make a judgement#or to err in favor of a forgiving/'i cant speak for your experience' judgement#anyways the fact is that the rosy fantasy of being a brave noble soldier who sacrifices for the cause#rarely stands up to reality where youre just terrified and powerless and dont know what to do#and suddenly the rosy glow of The Noble Cause isnt comforting in the prospect of horrible torturous death
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