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citrusandcyanide · 6 months ago

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The First Time | L.G

Pairing: Lip Gallagher x f! Reader

Synopsis. Based on The First Time by Hozier. Lip and His best friend have a complicated relationship and struggle to define their feelings for eachother.

an. omg I have literally been writing this for months. I started this when the album came out but kept changing how I wanted it to go. I hope you like it :)

words. 5.6k

Warnings. I do not own Hoziers lyrics or any writes to the song. Smoking, Drinking, mentions of intimacy.

Song link. The First time by Hozier

And the first time that you kissed me

I drank dry the River Lethe

The Liffey would have been softer on my stomach all the same

You blamed it on the weed.

It was a cold foggy night when Lip called you to smoke with him. The sun had set hours before. You were walking home from a date with a guy from class. It had not gone well and you wouldn’t be going out with him again. You texted Lip after you left to update him on how it went. After he realized you were going to want to complain, he invited you to hang out under the L.

It was not like you were completely disinterested in the guy, but it wouldn’t be fair to say you didn’t go out of boredom. He seemed a lot more interested in you than you were of him. It wasn’t a bad thing, but it just wasn’t what you wanted.

Lip sat in the grass under the train platform, cigarette already in hand. Once you reached him, you took the cigarette from his lips and placed them between yours. You sat down as you inhaled.

“That bad?” Lip asked, fidgeting with his lighter. You shrugged, shaking your head as you took the cigarette away from your mouth. Handing it back to him, you exhaled.

“No. The opposite I guess,” you replied, placing your hands in your pocket to protect you from the cold. Lip noticed and scooted closer to you. He took the last hit before putting it out. He pulled a pack of rolling papers out of his pocket along with a grinder. He started rolling, signaling you to continue talking. “He was too nice. Just a gentleman you know?”

“What’s the problem then?” Lip chuckled in response, still prepping the joint.

“I just can’t understand how interested he was. Like he was really trying, asking me about my interests, paid for my meal, even offered to walk me home. But I couldn’t make myself interested. I felt really bad. I was wasting his time.”

You were expecting him to crack jokes, but he shook his head. You looked at him curiously as he lit the joint. Lip hands you the joint before replying.

“This is, uh, gonna sound blunt, but… I think it sounds like a pretty good date and I’m confused about why you’re upset.” You started laughing and took the joint from him. “You’ve been on much worse dates with guys you were interested in. Are you sure there wasn’t anything bad?”

“Well..” You thought for a moment. The very ending of the date replaying in your head. “He uh… was a very sloppy kisser.”

Lip let out a cough, choking on the smoke in surprise. He turned to you. “After all this talk of not being interested, you still kissed him?”

You shrugged in response, “I had no reason not to kiss him. He was very nice, just… thought maybe it would make me more inclined to like him. Didn’t fucking work though. God, it was so bad.” You put your head in your hands.

The joint continued to pass between the two of you. The cold was pushing you closer together. Eventually, your arms had been looped together, and shoulders were tightly pressed up against each other. The heat from the smoke and each other being your sole sources of heat. You told Lip of all the gross details. Eventually, it leads to bringing up all your failed dates. Lip followed along, bringing up details about each one that you had forgotten. Your head fell onto his shoulder.

“I don’t get why I’m so unlucky,” You sighed, taking a final drag from the joint. Lip scoffed.

“You’re not unlucky. No one deserves you,” Lip replied. He took the roach from you and put it out on the pavement between you. There was a moment of silence. You could feel his breathing slow down, signaling to you he was getting ready to speak. “So the kiss was the only thing that ruined the night?”

You didn’t look up at him, but nodded in agreement. He turned his head downward to look at you.

“Could I fix that?”

You took your head off his shoulder, eyes furrowed in confusion. “How would you fix it?”

“I could give you a better one.”

You don’t remember when you said yes. All you can remember was how soft his lips were on yours. His hand on your cheek sent flames through your skin.

There would be no reason for your best friend to ask to kiss you if it wasn’t because he was high. There would be no way you would agree with it unless YOU were high. Lip kissed you and the world you knew shattered. The cuddling and holding hands were normal. But with one simple question, the foundation of your friendship had changed. It was the best kiss you had ever had, but it didn’t fix anything like he intended.

He pulled away, keeping his hand on your cheek. A whole new man was in front of you. His blue eyes pierced into his soul. He was beautiful. It wasn’t like you hadn’t thought about it before but right now it was overwhelming.

“Is that better, baby?” Lip asked, his voice barely above a whisper. All you could do was stare back at him in awe and shock. Something took over you. All you wanted was to feel his lips again. You wanted everything. You wanted him.

And then he laughed quietly. It broke you out of your trance. You turned your head to your feet and shook your head. It was the weed. It had to be. The warmth from his touch vanished and replaced itself with cold. It pierced through your skin. You winced at his laugh. He was smiling, the type you never see when he’s sober.

Some part of me must have died

The first time you called me baby

You wanted to throw up.

You wanted to drink yourself until you forgot the feeling of his lips against yours. It was all you thought about. For a while all you did was drink, but no matter how much you did, nothing erased the feelings you had developed for your best friend. Lip didn’t make it any easier. He hadn’t brought the kiss up again, but his demeanor around you changed. He’d grab your hand more while you were walking. Or he’d have his arm over your shoulders on public transport.

Worse, and what made it hardest to forget, was the new nickname: Baby. It killed you and brought you to life again. You couldn’t help but melt when he said it. Baby. Something so simple. Nothing you would ever think you would like to be called, but from his mouth it was soft and sweet.

Lip never said it often enough for you to get used to. It was only ever heard when he was high or tipsy. Most nights it was over the phone when he was calling you to come over.

“I’m having a bad day, baby. Please come over.”

You always would. You knew it wasn’t good. Most of the time, he’d need physical comfort. Lip would fall asleep in your lap or on your chest. He’d go out of his way to make sure your hands were touching. He didn’t kiss you again, but he thought about it. It was like he was holding back from it. This was probably because when he’d call you over it was almost always about another girl. Lip could acknowledge that he needed comfort but didn’t want to play with your feelings to that level. He didn’t realize the game had already begun.

Everytime you were over you were falling deeper for Lip. You craved his touch. You craved being close to him. You craved him. You were addicted to the calls. Nights where he didn’t call, all you thought about was being around him.

This life lived mostly underground

Unknowing either sight nor sound

'Til reaching up for sunlight

Just to be ripped out by the stem

He didn’t kiss you again till college. You were far too gone when it happened. If someone asked the number of drinks shared between the two of you that night, neither of you would have an answer. You drank with the intention of going to a frat party, but neither of you made it there. You tend to be a happy drunk when you’re not wallowing in self pity. Other than the intense feelings you had towards your best friend, you had nothing that night to be sad about. Lip didn’t either. Being around you when you were happy drunk always lifted his mood while drinking too. Having stolen a few unopened bottles from the last party you attended, you didn’t wait to start pouring.

“I wanna dance,” You said suddenly standing up from Lip’s bed. You put your phone on the table and played the first song you saw. Lip stayed on his bed, sipping slowly at the cup in his hand. He smiled up at you. “Come dance with me.”

“No no. Trust I’m good right here,” He laughed, shaking his head. You took the cup out of his hand and put it on the table next to yours. Grabbing his hands, you pulled him up and wrapped your arms around his waist. You started swaying side to side, until he surrendered and started moving with you. “I can’t dance.”

“You dance with plenty of girls at parties,” Your reply was snarky. “So dance with me.” Lip shut up and started leading the two of you as you danced around the room. You let the music take over. The alcohol made the two of you a lot more confident with each other. Lips hands slid around your waist and pulled you close to him. You smiled brightly, happy that he was going along with your request.

Everytime the music would lead you to drift away from him, Lip would pull you infinitely closer. He wrapped his arm around your waist tightly, trapping you in his grasp. Your breathing stopped once you felt his chest on yours. His face was inches away from yours. You couldn’t hear the music anymore. Lip was the only thing in front of you. His eyes were staring deep into yours, yearning. You had never seen him look at you with such need.

“Stop trying to run from me, baby” Lip never broke eye contact with you. Seeing blush starting to take over your cheeks, his grip tightened around you. Then his Lips were on yours. They were much drier than they had been when he first kissed you years ago. Yet they were so much sweeter. You couldn’t get enough. You stopped dancing and held him closer. His lips migrated down away from yours, sucking softly on your skin.

After that night it became more frequent. You slept in his bed almost every night. Craving each other's touch even without alcohol. Everything about it made you feel like you were growing towards a relationship. Lip was soft with you. It didn’t feel like a hookup. You kept convincing yourself if it was, it would have happened years ago. The first kiss would have been more than that. You were comfortable with the silence and the intimacy that was kept in each other's rooms, until one night Lip decided to talk about it.

“Why do you let me do this?” He hovered above you as you were laying on his bed. He had broken the kiss to ask you the question. Your body stiffened, letting your arms fall from around his shoulders. You weren’t expecting him to ever ask the question. You thought it was obvious that you liked him and you liked being close to him. But the thought of saying it scared the shit out of you. This wasn’t a conversation to be having while sober. Especially with how this started.

“I don’t know..” is all you could say, choking a bit on your words. Lip was looking so intensely at you. “Do you not like it?”

He shifted to lay down next to you. “I feel like I shouldn’t.”

“Oh,” you shifted awkwardly. You blushed with embarrassment. You were so confused as to what he was thinking, but you knew you weren’t going to get any answers from him unless you answered his question. “Well, I like this.”

He stayed silent for a moment, as if he was deep in thought. “You don’t go out with other guys anymore. I’ve noticed it. You don’t talk about anyone when we see each other. I know you have other friends that you could spend time with, but you’re always coming here instead. I don’t think I’m good for you, Y/n. I’m taking you away from other people. If you like me at all, I don’t think we should do this anymore.”

You hated how well he knew you. He was able to read you like an open book. You knew that if you admitted it, he would stop allowing himself to be this close to you. It’d go back to how it was before the kiss, before he called you baby.

“It’s not like that. I just like the feeling, that’s all. Don’t worry about my feelings. You’re my best friend. That’s it.”

Sensing only now it's dying

Drying out then drowning blindly

Blooming forth its every color

In the moments it has left

Amanda came out of nowhere. Suddenly she was taking up all of Lip’s time. Lip had always liked girls that were direct at communicating their wants. And Amanda sure was organized. Not to mention she was rich.

Despite your agreement with Lip, your feelings didn’t stop growing. You honestly didn’t try to stop loving him. It was so easy to pretend he was yours. He still held your hand in public, brought you snacks in between classes, and fucked you softly before bed. Everything about it felt like love. Unspoken but still there. Maybe it was a weird way that Lip showed his affection to you, even if it was just platonic. You didn’t need it to be anything more than that. You were happy how it was. Even if it meant sharing him with a few one night stands every once in a while. He never called anyone ‘baby’ but you.

But Amanda meant something different. She had more to offer Lip than you. She was better at school than you and was able to help Lip manage his work even with all the shit going on at home. You tried to help with what you could, but heck she was just better than you with everything. Lip needed the guidance, but it hurt seeing her take him from you.

When he started calling her his girlfriend, you stayed in bed for a week. You told Lip you were sick and didn't want him visiting you. You shouldn’t have let it affect you as much as it did. He wasn’t your boyfriend. He made it very clear he didn’t want to be, but you were so angry. You just wanted to be alone. For the first few days after he told you, he hadn’t reached out to hang out. In all the years you knew him, there was never more than a day you’d go without seeing each other. It was part of your routine. It’s like he completely forgot you existed. That was what hurt the most, the feeling of being easily replaced. You didn’t reach out to him to see how long it would take for him to notice your absence. On the fourth day he texted you about a question on an assignment. Before you could stop yourself, you texted him back “Fuck you.” It didn’t take long for him to reply.

Lip: ???????

What the fuck did I do?

He showed up to your door the next day with a slice of dining hall cake. You tried slamming the door on his face but he was too quick to catch it. You returned back to your bed as he entered your room. He stood above your bed silently, staring at you inquisitively. After a few moments he sighed, set the piece of cake on your desk and sat down on the bed next to you.

“You’re not really sick are you?” He asked quietly. You didn’t reply, causing him to roll his eyes. He asked you to move over so he could lay down next to you. “Baby, what’s wrong? Why won’t you talk to me?”

“Now you want to talk to me? It’s kind of you to remember your best friend exists.” It all came out a little too harsh, but Lip didn't seem to mind. You turned towards the wall so you didn’t have to face him. He put his arm around your waist and pulled you into his chest. You missed the comfort he brought you, but it didn’t stop you from being angry. Nonetheless you couldn’t bring yourself to move.

“I never forgot you existed. Why’d you say something like that?” He chuckled slightly. When you didn’t reply, he asked again. “Is this about Amanda?”

“You haven’t talked to me at all,” your voice cracked when you said it. “She’s helping you, I know.. But I’d still appreciate a hello at least.”

Lip held you closer. “I’m sorry, her schedule is a little intense to get used to. She hasn’t been allowing me any freetime. I told her I needed a bathroom break just to be able to come visit you.”

“Sounds like abuse,” you mumbled under your breath. Lip laughed softly. He kissed your shoulder. You didn’t know if you should have flinched or relaxed.

“It’s no excuse to not reach out sooner. I’m sorry.” Lip was trying so hard to get you to loosen up and look at him. He was surprised you hadn’t thrown him off of you by now. His least favorite thing was to see you upset. Your eyes were glued to the wall. “She’s watching Liam right now. I can text her and say I’m staying the night. You can catch me up on everything I missed since I last saw you.”

“You shouldn’t kiss me,” you told him, voice stern.

“What?” he asked, confused.

“You have a girlfriend, you shouldn’t kiss me. That includes the shoulder,” You clarified, also moving your body away from him. You felt him flinch a little. He shifted to holding himself up by one of his arms. You could feel him staring down at you. You had never shifted away from him. He scoffed, sitting up on the bed.

“What? So you’re jealous?” He had the same tone in his voice he gets when he’s irritated. You rolled your eyes.

“I don’t know Lip, maybe since you finally committed to being a fucking boyfriend for once you should commit to the full act,” you spat finally looking at him. It gave him the chance to see how tired you were. There were dark circles under your eyes, making the crying you had done over the past few days more evident. You looked so hurt and fragile. Lip wasn’t stupid, but he felt like he had not seen it before. He couldn't be angry seeing you like this.

He put a hand on your cheek. “You lied to me, didn’t you?”

You avoided his eyes and scoffed. You knew he was talking about how you swore you didn’t have feelings for him.

“Y/n, talk to me,” he said, forcing you to look back at him.

“What the fuck do you want me to say, Lip?” You spat back at him, shoving his hand away from your face. “That I’m secretly in love with you and feel like a piece of garbage you just threw out. Fuck you, Gallagher. I don’t expect you to be my knight in shiny-fucking-armor, but I expect you to be my best friend. You can’t fuck me one night, tell me you have a girlfriend, and crawl back into my bed the next. I don’t know what you see in Amanda and her stupid hello kitty backpack, but what I can’t figure out is what made her look like a better option than me.”

“She’s not a better option,” Lip argued back immediately.

“Yeah, then why am I not your girlfriend? What about me makes you think I’d be better off just as a fuck buddy. You’ve been screwing me long enough for me to get the hint. You’ve made it so insanely clear.”

“See this is exactly why I asked if you liked me, so we wouldn’t end up in this fucking mess.”

“What would have changed? Honestly, what do you think would happen? You’d stop playing with my feelings, avoid me for months, and let me just sit with the heartbreak of being rejected by a friend who has been acting like my boyfriend for years. While you wait it out until I’m over it so you can come back again? I get you don’t like me, but you really think I was gonna let you add salt to the wound?”

“Who the fuck said I didn’t like you?” Lip’s voice was irritated but it remained soft and quiet. You looked at him confused, laughing at what he was suggesting.

“You’re something, Philip Gallagher. Really something,” You scoffed, standing up from the bed. Lip grabbed your hand, pulling you back down. He pushed his lips to your mouth roughly. You let yourself slip into the kiss for a second before pushing him away by his chest. “You’re a prick.”

“I love you, jesus fucking christ baby,” Lip rolled his eyes. He held his hands firm on each side of your head, keeping you close to his. “Will you just.. shut up for a second? Please.”

You stared at him silently, tears collecting in your eyes. Lip let out a sigh and kissed your forehead. He knew it was his fault that you were so upset. He never wanted to hurt you this much. He never expected you to fall for him this hard. It was all his mistake. Lip had loved you from the moment he met you, but he was always afraid of his feelings. He didn’t have a healthy relationship with love. Putting you through his shit was never something Lip wanted to put on you. You deserved better. You deserved to go on nice dates, be spoiled with gifts and beautiful words. Lip didn’t know how to give you that. He convinced himself that it was better off to stay friends. It was easier to keep you around as his best friend. He got to see you every day. You talked to him the most out of everyone in your life. He saw your best and worst moments from closer than anyone. He could admire how beautiful you were without ever worrying about it having to end.

He could ignore the first kiss but he knew he fucked it all up when you hooked up the first time. It was no longer just adoration. It was selfish of him to put you through this thinking it wouldn’t affect you. His heart was heavy hearing you tell him you loved him. He had always wished to hear you say it, but not now. Not like this. He hated seeing you think that he only wanted to fuck.

“There is no one else in this world I love more than you,” Lip’s voice was barely above a whisper. His bright blue eyes pierced into yours. He also looked on the verge of tears. You broke eye contact and opened your mouth to talk. Lip shook his head and quickly kissed you to shut you up. “I’m the biggest idiot for letting you think anything different. And I’m sorry. I couldn’t imagine a girl as brilliant as you wanting to be with a prick like me, but I never ever thought you weren’t good enough to be my girlfriend.”

“What about Amanda, Lip?”

“She’s paying me a fuck ton of money to say we’re dating so she can piss off her parents,” Lip answered plainly. You looked at him slightly shocked. You couldn’t help but start laughing. Lip laughed with you. “Like soooo much money.”

“Baby,” Lip said while he grabbed one of your hands in his. You had stopped laughing by now. This was the most honest he had ever been with his feelings. You could tell he was slightly embarrassed by the red of his cheeks. You laced your fingers in his and listened quietly as he spoke. “I never asked you to be my girlfriend because I don't think I’d be a good enough boyfriend to you. I thought it would be better just as we were. I show my affection better in other ways.”

“It just sucks to see another girl so easily come and take your attention,” You said with a scoff. You studied his hand in yours. Lip was quiet, watching you play with his hand. “I’m comfortable with what we are. But don’t go to someone else and forget I exist. That’s all I ask.”

“I don’t ever want to hurt you,” Lip said quietly.

“Then don’t,” Your reply came out as more of a warning. You kissed his cheek.

To share the space with simple living things

Infinitely suffering

But fighting off like all creation

The absence of itself

Anyways…

For years, you sat on the sidelines. Lip tried his best to stick to his promise, but as time went by tension slowly grew. After things ended with Amanda, a part of you hoped he’d turn back and give you a chance. That hope remained through every girl he saw afterwards, but it never happened. You waited for years for the day he would ask you to be his. He loved you, after all. That’s what he told you. It wasn’t unrealistic to hope that one day he’d want to be with you.

The longer it went on, the more it began hurting you. It was getting harder to watch him grow further from you. Yet you were being dragged right along, forced to watch as he drifted away. You couldn’t escape it. Lip had been waiting for the day he felt like he deserved you, but that also never came. His alcoholism pushed him further into self-pity. You were always there to take care of him. Always extended your arms when he needed to be held. The lack of control made him angry and was ultimately what pushed himself away from you. It destroyed any vision of himself that was good enough to take care of you. So he never tried. He found other women for romantic comfort.

The two of you kept each other around for as long as possible as it was inevitably tearing you apart. Neither of you had stopped loving each other, but it hadn’t been like it was in college. Reality was setting in. The romance was turning old. Both of you were impatient with each other. Lip didn’t play around with your feelings when he entered into a relationship. He didn’t sleep with you and he would never kiss you. You hoped it was out of respect for you, but you assumed it was to not complicate the new relationship. Neither of you wanted to cheat.

While recovering from his alcoholism, he met Tammy. This was different from any of his other relationships. It wasn’t hard to tell Lip was learning to love her. You recognized all the signs, how careful he was with her. It was like watching your relationship from afar all over again. You could tell he was scared, but what hurt the most was seeing the effort he put into being better for her. He had told you years ago that he couldn’t treat you well, but Tammy was being offered it all.

The last time it was heard out loud

The perfect genius of our hands and mouths were shocked

To resignation as the arguing declined

When I was young I used to guess there are limits to any emptiness?

When was the last time? Come here to me.. When was the last time?

You were the first person he shared the news of Tammy’s pregnancy. The heartbreak was worse than what you were preparing for. You listened for what felt like eternity as he told you they were keeping it, that he was planning to raise the child with her. You knew this meant it was over. There would never be anything more than what you had. You were never meant to be his and he was never going to be yours. You couldn’t keep pretending.

You just stared at him. You didn’t know what to say. Congrats? Fuck you? What hurt the most was how excited he had seemed to tell you the news. You knew how much he wanted to be a father. You were right there with him when he found out Karen’s kid wasn't his. You were standing in front of him as he sat on the steps of his family's house. He was smoking a cigarette. You had never seen him so calm and happy. You wanted to punch him.

“What? You’re not saying anything,” Lip chuckled, looking at you confused. You hadn’t felt so broken before. It was like he was forgetting who he was talking to. To you, this conversation was an end to your friendship with Lip Gallagher, but he didn’t realize that. He was just sharing the good news. “Not even congrats?”

“I don’t think we should see eachother anymore,” You responded, never breaking eye contact with the boy. Lips face dropped. He felt his heart fall into his stomach. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. You had been fine with how things were. Lip had thought he kept his promise. He never stopped making time for you. You were his best friend and always the first he shared good news with. He thought this would be the same. But in his excitement, he failed to consider how you’d feel hearing the news. He couldn’t read your expression. You looked so tired. If you were holding back tears, Lip couldn't see.

Lip stood up and walked closer to you. He went to grab your hand, but you put one up to his chest, preventing him from moving any closer.

“I have spent far too long waiting for something that was never going to happen,” You watched him as his expression changed from confusion, fear, then realization. “I’m done waiting for you to decide when you're ready to love me.”

“I have been loving you,” Lip said defensively. He always feared this moment, the one where you had enough and walked away. He couldn’t lose you now. “What fucking happened? We talked about this, I thought we were good.”

“I have watched you get closer to love with countless other women than you have ever gotten with me. I will not watch you raise another woman’s child happily and pretend like you love me,” you said, shaking your head.

“You’re just gonna leave? That's it? We’ve been friends for our entire fucking lives and suddenly I get a chance to be happy and build something for myself, and you want to leave,” Lip didn’t know what he was accusing you of, but he thought you were over the relationship years ago. You stayed around because you were his friend, not because you wanted to be with him.

“YOU ARE HAVING ANOTHER WOMAN’S CHILD,” You screamed. “And you think I’m going to believe you when you say you love me? This isn’t some shit I can be with you for. You have responsibilities to her and your child now. You expect me to play aunt and raise the child with you? And watch you live my fucking dream out with someone else? I know you love her. Just fucking admit it, you love her more than you ever loved me. I can’t watch this. I can’t be on the sidelines after insisting you could never give it to me.”

“I love her,” Lip stated. You went silent. You felt your shoulders grow heavy. You sat down on the steps of his porch. Your head fell into your hands. “You’re right. I love her and I’m going to love this kid. It’s not fair to expect you to stick around for it. I’m sorry.”

There was a moment of silence. Relief sank in. You could let go now. He was never going to be yours and knowing that felt good. The heartbreak you were feeling now would settle. It was over. Lip sat down on the step beside you. You looked across the street.

“You know, for years, I’d ask myself if this was ever gonna end? There were moments I really wished it would, but I couldn’t decide if life felt emptier without you or with you,” You said quietly. You could feel Lip’s heavy breathing beside you.

“You were so much better than I could ever take care of, Baby. I couldn’t give you what you deserved.” It sounded like an apology coming from his mouth. Hearing him say it brought tears to your eyes. It was the last time you’d ever hear him say it.

You turned to him and smiled. “Baby… You never even tried.”

Some part of me must have died

The final time you called me baby

But some part of me came alive

The final time you called me baby

#lip gallagher #lip gallagher x reader #lip gallagher x y/n #shameless #jeremy allen white x reader #lip gallagher angst #lip gallagher imagine #lip gallagher x you #phillip gallagher #jeremy allen white

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