#personal ideas. maybe theyre not correct! who knows! but i have ideas

[localsolverhost]

i actually have a lot of theories about ep7 and the solver and cyn and a bunch of stuff i just have No Idea how to put them in words. yet

[fascinationstreetmp3]

i wonder if it's a case of slight misdirection and the (first) alice proposal didn't happen in 1985, it happened in the 70s. because there's no date given for that proposal, only that it happened in paris, and it was apparently after daniel "got his shit together" which could signify it being 1985, but doesn't exactly guarantee it.

pregnancy and french cafes are common factors in both memories. first one (1985) alice announces she's pregnant, second one (no date given) alice is in her third trimester; first one they're at a brasserie (type of french restaurant/cafe), second one they're in a cafe in paris. there's enough for your mind to connect them, but there's nothing that definitively states they both happened in the same year.

this would maybe align a little more with his apparently having a very young daughter in 1978, and an ex-wife knowing what kind of car he owned at the time. the alice proposal while she's in her third trimester comes across to me as what maybe pushed daniel to propose. unless either A) the daughter is from a previous woman he never married, B) the date of that event (7 years before car seats are mandatory) was wrong somehow (seems unlikely with the fact checking & ex-wife weighing in on it, but since an exact date wasn't given i suppose it could be different), or C) the daughter was not born yet at all (VERY HIGHLY unlikely unless there's some major covering up and messing around going on behind the scenes of daniel's life somehow that would let a discrepancy like that slip through)

in 1985, it could've been alice's second pregnancy that daniel brushes off while theyre at a brasserie together. a brasserie which could've been anywhere, including new york, where he lived with alice. this could also point to alice being that same ex-wife who corrected the buick memory, because she was also around in the 70s to know, and the daughter in the car might've been hers.

but there's also a couple things im not sure match up. one is how daniel could've gotten to paris in the 70s to propose if he was apparently in the habit of giving guys the last of his cash, was using drugs, and had no credit, unless alice or someone else paid for him. it would track that alice doesn't trust him enough to marry him if that's how he was acting back then, even if she's heavily pregnant, but still, they were definitely in paris in that memory. so maybe that makes the theory crumble a little? idk. because even if the memory did happen in 1985, he still says he had no credit back then and alice still doesn't have a reason to trust him. daniel was a published author by that time, but we don't know what his money situation was like.

the other is that in this scenario alice would have to not trust daniel enough to marry him, but apparently trust him enough to leave their daughter alone with him in 1978 when he was still on drugs and presumably doing deals with their daughter in the car. then he gets clean and she eventually marries him and has a second child with him in 1985. this alone maybe doesn't poke too many holes in the theory because we don't really know what kind of person alice is— but daniel claims he'd already "gotten his shit together" by the time he first proposed to alice. so he either hadn't actually done that yet and only said he did, or maybe he did but alice didn't believe it, and he eventually relapsed at some point after his first daughter was born.

anyway... maybe this isn't the case at all, but i like to theorise and the idea crossed my mind a few times. so i thought i'd write it down to make more sense of it

[magpod-confessions]

hi. so because i'm normal about jonathan sims and jmart. um.

i really like jmart. i think there could have been MUCH better buildup, but... ultimately it's a very cute ship. i think the appeal, yeah, is a lot that it's just canon. but.

they're both deeply broken people. jon wasn't loved enough. his grandmother tried her best, but he was never cuddled, never read to, never had a chance to *be a little kid*, really. and martin was never loved. maybe he convinced himself he was just never loved the right way, that his mum just didn't know how to show it because he was so *insufferable* and *incompetant*, but no matter the lies he tells himself, martin was not shown love by his mother.

and then they meet. and martin gives and gives and gives because that's all he knows. and jon has no idea how to receive because he never really had anything to receive. and jon's coping mechanism, with that unknown situation, is to reinforce his emotional walls. martin does not know how to stop giving. so they don't work at this point, not at all.

and then jon's emotional walls come tumbling down. well, moreso that they were violently destroyed, with prentiss and all. jon has no support system!!! tim hates him because he's a fucking *stalker*, martin... well... he can't rely on martin, of all people. and sasha... he never knew her too well, but she's acting strange. so jon and martin don't work together at that point, romantically, i think partially because jon won't let it.

in big part, jmart is built on mutual trauma (NOT traumabonding!! i know it's used that way in podcast, but that's not the correct definition) and ... martin being pretty much the only person jon has left. of course, there's basira and melanie and georgie, but they don't *get it*. they didn't go through everything jon did alongside him. sure, martin didn't either, but martin has been there the whole time.

it's partially a relationship of proximity, partially shared trauma, but i do think a lot of it is genuine care for each other (even if that care stems from the former two reasons).

anyways. theyre really cute. tma could have been just as good without it, but---and im saying this as someone who typically despises most romance in media---i really adore them and their dynamic. it opens up so many doors for both character- and self-exploration.

martin learning to love without sacrificing himself. jon learning to love openly, period. explorations of trust and how mutual trauma that affected people in different ways can shape them, etc etc etc. and of course, this is all in fics and in my own mind, because . theyre dead . (i wont accept any ending but that, honestly. theyre not Somewhere Else to me). but. it's nice. they mean a lot to me as characters and as people and as a pair. thumbs up.

and some jon ranting!! because i. admit. finally. that i might be a bit of a jon kinnie.

jon doubts himself, constantly, unless his decision is completely impulsive (ex. the coffin). he can't *let* himself feel, fully, because as a child it was always annoying/obnoxious, or too much, or wrong in some ambiguous, nebulous way.

he's out of touch with himself emotionally. it's... not so much that he doesn't get emotions, it's moreso that he's repressed the majority of his own so intensely that he has a hard time dealing with others' emotions because he's not too sure what it's supposed to feel like without a heavy flavouring of shame.

he's read a lot of books. he knows, in theory, what sadness or romantic love or anger or excitement feels like---and occasionally in practice, when the repression and 'compartmentalisation' (bottling it up) becomes too much and it all boils over---but he has a hard time relating those hypothetical and heat-of-the-moment feelings to actual, real life people.

he struggles with empathy, severely. partially an autistic thing, partially a trauma response. yknow. he's genuinely well-meaning when it comes to comforting those he cares about, but he's not sure of the right thing to say because of how severely that muscle has atrophied. he was never taught that with his grandmother and her neglect (and yes, no matter what he says on tape, it was emotional neglect) and then not having very many friends... he missed those prime developmental stages as a child.

he never empathised with book characters, i don't think. he was always the observer, never really fully putting himself in the role of the protagonist. he definitely used books as an escapist coping mechanism, but it wasn't in a visiting-this-fictional-world way, it was more of a losing-himself-in-the-story way, if that makes sense. there was always a sense of detachment. reading was an *in between* of his life and the life of the protagonist.

he struggles with his and others' feelings because, from his perspective, his emotions are uniquely shameful, uniquely embarrassing, and uniquely *harmful* to other people. so, he represses them, and doesn't let himself feel them unless they're 'useful'. and then, when he can't apply this ideology to others' emotions, he has no way to deal with them. he freezes up because this is a situation in which he has no real experience in, and, as a child who was punished for behaving autistically *wrong* ---whether by his peers or his grandmother---he's scared to make a wrong move.

he sees himself as a person who is uniquely capable of harm. other people can hurt other people, sure, but jon can hurt them in a *special* way, a *worse* way, because he is a fundamentally wrong, bad person.

yeah👍

.🗣️

I AM EATING THIS I agree with this yea

[crguang]

im curious abt what it would be like for himeko or natasha to lash out because they seem like theyre in control of their emotions most of the time

YES. YES. let’s think about it because one thing about me, i need to see composed/put together/relaxed women lose their mind. like my type of characters are women who are always very in control and the best part of that (aside from the micro expressions) is seeing them turn into irrational, emotional messes. it’s just so delicious. i think they might have similar reactions in that context because they’re both very patient and understanding people who don’t get mad often

i can see natasha’s mood getting darker from the amount of stress and responsibility on her shoulders, and her own perceived uselessness maybe? she knows she can’t uphold the entire underground on her own, that’s why she delegates and leave some jobs to the people best suited for them. she wouldn’t think herself useless usually (so many ppl depend on her, she knows she makes a huge difference in their lives) but there are things she cant do, patients she cant save and injustice she cant correct. when you think about it she must have seen so many people die and she hadnt heard from her own family for years just to find out her brother and father are dead like i think the accumulation of stress, grief, lack of sleep would make her lose her mind eventually. she’s probably finishing some things up at the clinic, it’s past midnight, and as she does the inventory she finds they’re missing some supplies and just snaps. theyre always missing supplies like it’s not something that would usually make her break down but today she just cant. she probably cries silently and refuses to be comforted (“i’m fine.”) i can also see her words cutting deep when she’s reaaally angry but theyre mostly directed at herself; they’re self-deprecating and venomous and any attempt you make to disagree with her will have her telling you to leave because she wants to be alone. she shouldn’t be left alone though i think she could only feel her feelings with someone there to validate them instead of brushing them away bc she has more important issues to deal with

i’m not sure about himeko but i guess i can see her getting mad when others’ safety/lives are on the line. like she strikes me as the type of person to get deeply upset if you do something reckless and get yourself/others injured in the process— she’s relieved you’re okay but all that anxiety, worry, apprehension etc will morph into anger and if you try to appease her by saying something like “it turned out fine though!” ouhhh…. obviously she knows that. she wants you to take accountability for your actions and stop being so thick headed! she doesn’t get angry often at all bc she can forgive most things easily, so like natty it would have to be an accumulation of different situations happening and weighing on her imo. the trigger would have to be something serious tho. it’s so hard to picture her anything but composed bc we know so little about hsr himeko and she keeps a cool head even in stressful situations😭 like i kinda have no idea LMFAOO

[the-s1lly-corner]

hey, may i request hcs of laughing jack + slenderman x nonbinary, afab!reader who gets misgendered/bullied a lot but is too scared to correct/stand up to ppl? happens to me a lot :[

laughing jack and slenderman x afab!nonbinary!reader

im so so sorry you keep getting treated like dookie- as a fellow afab nb i totally get your pain with the misgendering, people just need to hush up

notes: reader is afab and nonbinary, established relationships, both canon characters have limited knowledge of lgbt topics but thats mostly because they hardly interact with people or media

cws: transphobia, canon typical violence, mentions of stalking

laughing jack

doesnt get to interact with many people much, so hes a little limited on his knowledge- and given that he originally started existing in the Victorian era? hoo boy- hes not transphobic or otherwise lgbtphobic but there is some ignorance

can see himself as using some labels once he gets more educated on it, though! always headcanoned laughing jack to be gnc!

tries to help you appear more androgynous or masculine if thats what you want! he doesnt mind playing dress up with you, and hes definitely going to take it as a moment to turn it into a game and try to cheer you up!

openly mocks the people who bully you, as well as outright saying that theyre just a bunch of jerks who... dont deserve nice things to head their way.. to keep the description vague

similar to slenderman, hes going to go out and get some vengeance if things get ugly enough

he doesnt like going out without you, hes a bit clingy.. but the sight of you being so distraught really makes his insides coil like snakes.. does not like it at all

even tries to push for you to carry him around in his box so he can just jump and slash anyone who says anything- though thats not a very good idea... would give him away quickly

slenderman

he doesnt understand much about gender, and honestly? i can easily see him being agender, or maybe gender apathetic simply due to him not showing interest in his own identity. he rarely wants to be perceived anyway

despite not knowing much about it and not caring how others see him, he can understand just a little bit on why it matters to you- especially when youre seen as something youre not and harassed for it

rest assured that if he ever finds out someone is harassing you, he will silent them quickly. out right offing them or stalking them over a period of time, the result will end in you having one less person on your back... then two.. then three.. and so on

actually the fact that people seem to either go missing or skip town not long after messing with you makes many keep their mouths shut- and before you even think that might prompt someone to harm you under the guise that its YOU doing it, slenderman isnt going to let that happen

he listens to you if you need to talk about your feelings on it, hes unsure of how to verbally help you affirm your gender identity but if you outright ask him how he views you; he tells you that you pass in his eyes regardless of if you present more femininely, masculine, or androgynously.. though that may be because of his aforementioned limited knowledge on the topic... hes supportive nonetheless!

[vault-kid]

2, 7, 30, 37 for Luna and Butch?

HEHE. im assuming this is for post relationship !

2. What kind of dynamic do they have with each other? honestlyyyy... their dynamic is so on and off. typical dumbass that likes to mess around with the stoic & often on edge downer (usually). but sometimes the roles reverse & luna messes with butch, teaseing him over dumb shit <3 all part of the enemies to lovers to exes to companions dynamic baby

3. What do others think of them? (WRONG QUESTION SORRY, think of it as an extra) most people out in the wasteland just view them as some punk ass kids. people in megaton def gossip about them though, saying they fight like an old married couple, maybe even more than nathan and manya. but others say theres no way in hell theyre interested in each other from the constant glares Luna gives Butch, and sometimes vice versa LMAO all in all, their relationship is kind of a mystery to the wasteland. (and to them too, damn)

7. Do they have a desire to protect each other? (CORRECT QUESTION) Yes.... truth is, Luna couldn't bare to see Butch get hurt. while she does threaten him multiple times, she never really wants him extremely hurt, or dead. why would she want to lose another person whos been/was/is(...?) important to her.

Now. I think Butch would try his best to also protect her. i like to think he gets frustrated at the fact that she saves his sorry ass most of the time, and never has any proper chance to prove himself or even be her hero. and i can def see him trying to get better at the whole companion thing, just to be able to protect her. he def does have a huge desire to protect her from the thought of being the wasteland's martyr though, but he has NO idea how to go around that. he only ends up making it worse...... but he doesnt want her thinking her job out here is to protect everyone and everything.

30. What's something one thinks the other should improve upon?

Luna -> Butch : he should work on keeping promises & realize he won't always get his way.

Butch -> Luna: she should stop putting up walls and being so stubborn.

Luna <--> Butch: they should BOTH learn that they are allowed to be vulnerable...........

37. What would it take for them to betray each other?

OOF. gah. time to get a bit serious here. without spoiling it too much, butch has already somewhat betrayed luna in a sense when they were younger. realistically, Butch doesn't have anyone else out here other than some folks he knows in rivet city and obviously Luna. i doubt Butch would ever willingly betray Luna unless there was something in it for him, that he'd want more than anything in the world? what that is, i don't know. he's learned his lesson (somewhat) in terms of betraying her anyways. but, um.. maybe an extremely good opportunity to make it big somewhere? a chance to make the tunnel snakes bigger, better, recruit more people? (i dont know if he would, honestly) i dunno. it would all depend on the situation, and how their relationship ends up. but he does know if he were to ever betray her, there would be no going back, not anymore.

as for Luna. Huh... she's loyal. regardless of what he's done to her. its just in her nature, at least with people she knows aren't evil. Luna would like, never really betray Butch. she's been on the receiving end, why would she want to do the same shit back? to get revenge? maybe, but deep down she knows that would just end up hurting her more. not to mention, it would just never sit right with her ever. i feel like the ONLY time she might consider betraying him, is if she had the ability to bring her dad back, or something related to that. which sounds bizarre, and it probably is, but yeah.

this ones tough. im a bit stumped LOL

[yoonyia]

I'm fighting with spirits trying not to murder this book for what they're doing with jane

THIS IS THE ONLY PART OF THE BOOK THAT REALLY MAKES ME ACTIVELY HATE THE BOOK

please

don't do that

I dont mind the idea of giving Jane a human body

hell at this point I think it's necessary and a essential part of the plot

BUT DONT FRAME IT AS WHAT SHE ALWAYS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE

DONT CONPARE HER TO PINOCCHIO

PINOCCHIO WAS MADE IN THE WISH THAT HE WOULD BE A HUMAN CHILD AND WAS GIVEN THE ABILITY TO FUFILL THAT PURPOSE

JANE WAS MADE AS A BRIDGE BETWEEN THE HIVE QUEEN AND ENDER AND DEVELOPED INTO AN ANSIBLE WIDE IDENTITY

SHE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE A HUMAN

SHE WASENT INITIALLY CREATED WITH THE PURPOSE OF BEING A HUMAN

SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BRIDGE SURE BUT TO ASK HER TO GET INTO A HUMAN BODY IS SAYING THAT THE ALIEN PART OF HER IS NONEXISTENT

THAT SHE SHOULD REJECT IT BECAUSE ITS "NOT WHO SHE REALLY IS"

THAT A PART OF WHAT MAKES HER HER ISNT THE FACT THAT SHE IS NOT A HUMAN

THEYRE TREATING THIS SACREFICE AND LAST RESORT LIFE SUPPORT AS ITS THE CORRECT THING THAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED

SHE WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO MIMIC AND YEARN FOR THE PERFECT REPLICANT OF HUMANITY

WHAT SHES DOING RIGHT NOW SHOULD BE TREATED AS WHAT WE FEEL WHEN WE WANT TO LEAVE OUR MORTAL FLESH SUITS AND BE UPLOADED INTO THE INTERNET SO WE LIVE FORVER

THIS IS LITTERALLY JUST THAT

BUT DO WE LOOK AT THE DIGITAL COPIES AND THINK "this is how we should have been always"

DO YOU HEAR HOW INSANE THAT SOUNDS????

"we should have been 1s and 0s this entire time and I don't know why we waited until my body was litterally unusable and my human life was dead to find a way to sustain it, this was how I should have been since birth!"

LIKE

wait

fuck

no, I can see people saying that

OK LIKE ITS SAYING TO AN AMPUTEE THAT THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN BORN WITHOUT THEIR LEG

THAT SOMEHOW HAVING A LEG MADE THEM LESS OF A PERSON

AND THAT THEY SHOULD HAVE CHOPPED IT OFF SOONER

EVEN WHEN IT WAS HEALTHY AND PERFECTLY USABLE

THAT WITH A LEG THEY WERE UNFINISHED

I MEAN I DONT PERSONALLY HAVE A MISSING LEG BUT I FEEL LIKE ITS PRETTY SAFE TO SAY THAT A MAJORITY OF AMPUTEES WOULD PREFER TO HAVE THEIR LIMB AGAIN IF IT DIDNT CAUSE THEM PAIN OR RISK THEIR LIVES

AND EVEN IF THEY THINK THAT THE AMPUTATION IMPROVED THEIR LIVES IN WAYS UNRELATED TO PAIN I DONT THINK THEY WOULD EVER SAY THAT HAVING A FULL INTACT LIMB MADE THEM ANY LESS MEANINGFUL???

LIKE JANE IS STILL AS MEANINGFUL AND IMPORTANT AS WHEN SHE WAS A PHILTONIC ENTITY, BUT THAT DOSENT MEAN THAT SHE WAS LESS WHOLE BECAUSE SHE WAS ONE????

IS THAT NOT A THING PEOPLE UNDERSTAND?

I'm sorry this got convoluted I'm just really upset

the parallels between miro getting his magical recovery from his disability and then having to help someone who also basically got all her limbs, eyes and senses chopped off would have been such a nice thing to watch? I MEAN LIKE HONESTLY REJOICE THAT SHE DIDNT DIE

BUT TREAT IT WITH THE SAME MOURNING SOMEONE FEELS WHEN THEY ARE PARALYZED?

LIKE IM NOT MAD OTHER PEOPLE ARE HAPPIER ABOUT JANE BEING HUMAN, THAT MAKES SENSE BECAUSE TO THEM JANE WAS JUST A HUMAN ON SCREEN IN SOME AMOUNT OF DISTANCE AWAY

but to jane she just lost everything???????

SHE DIED

SHE DIED AND GOT A LITTLE BIT OF HER AUTONOMY BACK

ITS EXHILARATING AND NEW AND BRIGHT BUT THAT DOSENT MEAN SHE DIDNT LOSE SOMETHING???

ok maybe comparing it to a disability is too much of a human perspective on it (even tho the book insists she is human FOR FUCKS SAKES I CANT BE HAPPY)

let's say to her the human body is better because it is so new and so wonderful and so much simpler and easier and lighter and mobile and has all of these new things she can do like sweat and laugh and cry and shit and move

because for a disability you're losing several functions and gaining proportionally little and that's not exactly what's happening to Jane (I personally think a human body does less things compared to all digital material and activity between half a trillion people at any given time BUT THATS PROBABLY BECAUSE IVE BEEN LIVING IN A HUMAN BODY SO LONG I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT IT TAKES TO BE ALIVE, I DONT KNOW)

then treat it like it's that

make her struggle with EVERYTHING

give us more internal dialog of EVERYTHING being new

make it more full of awe and a new discovery and not a long lost longing finally fulfilled

DONT TREAT IT LIKE SHES FINALLY COMPLETE NOW

PLEASE

SHE IS NOT A HUMAN

NOT A HOMO SAPIEN I TELL YOU

I think I might have said something bad in this ramble and if so please correct me I'm not very versed in the nuances of disability and being human and aliens.

I just wanted to express my anger at the writing

I'm sorry for screaming

[softness-and-shattering]

Had a moment of clarity that seems obvious in hindsight.

Im not Making A Statement or Announcement Of Drama btw. Thats not what this.

The group of trans women/trans femmes, however many of them there may or may not be, doing this whole "trans guys arent oppressed, we're the most and most uniquely oppressed our lives are the most dangerous of anyone" and theyre digging themselves into this terror pit and driving away anyone who says hey maybe you dont need to be so afraid and can you stop telling us our experiences are wrong and dont matter we actuay have a lot in common.

Thats some high control group behaviour. "We alone understand, push people away and use their rudeness as proof we are correct and uniquely oppressed, we must fear everyone and only associate with those exactly like us because no one else could possibly be safe".

Im not trained for that. Im not trained in deprogramming. I dont personally know any of them well for maybe obvious reasons I just keep seeing a lot of this "discourse" going around. Ive been trying to say "hey you dont need to be afraid we are siblings and allies" but thats just not going to be effective for someone who isnt going to trust me anyway because I "chose the evil oppressor gender" or whatever.

So I need to stop engaging with these ideas and people who are spreading them. I cant do anything useful to help. It doesnt make me bitter or hateful or transmisogynist, which I think fear of has maybe kept me trying to br understanding for so long plus just compassion. But this is one group of people, thats it. Its not all trans femmes its not even all tumblr trans femmes. And theyre incorrect, and I cant help them, and I need to stop engaging there.

I dont even like to be too involved in Discourse but Ive gotten more and more pulled in and thats on me. I do want to talk about important things and make jokes and share art and have fun. I dont want tumblr to be a source of stress I want it to be at best a source of community. And the line between memes and discourse can blur sometimes ofc. But I think Im gonna try step back and chill out a bit. Being angry a bunch definitely doesnt make me a better person, thats for sure.

[raisinchallah]

you know the post that had me the most oh my god maybe im not autistic this is insane was this video where this guy was like acting out a fake dialogue with a neurotypical person who was annoyed that he was overexplaining things and hes like well ur not doing it right and like saying just full stop its the neurotypical persons fault for being annoyed at being told how to do stuff because they were unenlightened to the correct way and like seemingly not able to understand this would annoy someone and everyone in the comments was wholeheartedly agreeing wishing everyone was super normal about being told how to do stuff which is so wild to me cuz i get like the overexplaining thing and i know it often is not like malice or critique but literally how are u not driven up a wall because its like immovable object vs immovable object like this conflict would be worse with two autistic people tbh this isnt a neurotypical thing no force on earth greater than an autistic person and their specific routine like dont tell me this is wrong dont tell me what to do explodes u with eye lasers like akfkakkf im very familiar with this type of conflict my last job i had a coworker literally nicest dude in the world but was soooo particular about how stuff was done like more stringent than our managers telling me to only shake the noodles dry with a specific hand grip type stuff and again he meant zero malice and was just trying to help me and train me but i literally felt like i was clawing the fucking walls like um dont break my routine and like again i get the impulse i do i was like mentally feeling like noo how could u be doing it wrong (different from me) when working with my less experienced coworker and like i get the insane micromanager thing lol my autistic dad also hates being told what to do but will try to offer wayyy too much help and advice and corrections to the point u cant do it urself and i think i was just like so fascinated and appalled that like i fully get people being like of course my overexplaining is just helpful and kind cuz thats how its taken but having zero idea of the reverse of being on the other end of someone telling u how to do stuff but theyre wrong about it or simply different being literally the worst thing in the entire world the systems the rules the order comes crashing down and somehow instead everyones like yeah neurotypicals just gotta get it together and listen to our advice and im like no actually wheres the rights for people who are particular freaks to a degree they cant stand being told what to do in a different manner like how do u not suffer with this all the time if u have such strong opinions

[the-amber-droid-dreams]

empathy is so damn confusing. i get it in theory, but in practice ? like i sorta think of myself as low / flux empathy but am i really ? how much of that is actually low sympathy and compasssion ?

cognitive empathy is understanding why someone feels a way, and ive read and researched and trained myself enough to be very good at that, but its all logical analysis. is that still empathy ? what if i can connect all the correct logical threads but when it comes to the conclusion i just cant wrap my emotions around it because why does it matter Really ? is that still empathy ? sometimes people are a curiosity, a fun little puzzle to analyze. certainly thats not empathy ?

emotional empathy, feeling what others feel, thats definitely not there too often. secondhand embarrassment maybe, and i used to not be able to look at people who cried but im not sure it affects me anymore

sympathy. i dont always feel that either. sometimes i still help because i feel compassion but sometimes compassion is also gone and its just to save face. reputation is especially important to me, without it id have nothing: power, support, admiration— theyre all intertwined.

sometimes its because i know i will or might care later so i better act accordingly to secure the future i want. or maybe i care about the relationship with the person as a whole if not whatever bullshit im having to deal with at the moment, so i do what i must to maintain their love and trust

sometimes its just base morality, my ideas of whats right and wrong, that stop me from being as cruel as id like. or reputation. it always comes back to reputation when im that far gone. the fun of burning everything to the ground just isnt worth the effort itll take to rebuild it all again yk ?

[dasozelotvonnebenan]

Ok so I promised to talk about my sci fi stuff. It's now six in the morning again* but I feel far less tired than yesterday so I'm gonna dare to write it down this time.

It's not really a concrete story, its more just a loose collection of characters, worldbuilding and unconnected fun story beats.

There will be absolutely no structure to this. Just ramble.

So for a little context, this has been brewing slowly for years but I really started to gather up all those ideas after I finished watching Killjoys (Bounty Hunters in Space) and craved more space adventure in my head. Theres also a lot of Firefly (Western, but in space), The Expanse (Uhhh a bunch of stuff, in space), Battletech (Mech Mercenaries, in space) and my dads loosely RIFTS based sci fi role playing world in there.

Now first thing first you might notice that all those things above involve lots of guns which is maybe the biggest step away I am taking in that there is exactly one (1) gun involved in the entirety of this whole thing. Also the images in my head are a lot brighter and less gritty than most of those series. Like it's a genuinely good world. Because it's a thing I'm thinking about to relax.

So let's meet the crew! Because of course this space adventure revolves around a colourful bunch of people who travel the vastness of space together.

Most importantly theres the Pilot. He's afraid of sleeping when they're flying because if he isn't awake then whos steering. Even though theyre in space, where it's basically impossible to hit anything unless you want to, flying consist of pointing the ship in the right direction and waiting and any correction would need to happen way faster than a human could make them anyways.

Which is kind of a problem when travel times between planets range between a few days for inner system distances to easily over a month of want to get from one side of the system to the other. Interstellar travel involves specialized jump ships so travelling the lightyears between stars actually ends up taking much less time than getting from the edge of the suns gravity well to anything remotely worth visiting.

He accounts for about half of the crews caffeine consumption and sometimes his sleep deprivation leads to some hijinks (like when he goes hunting the space spiders in the vents). The ship is his own, he has won it in an advertisement lottery for a video game which is why there is a giant wizard painted on it which he really wants to remove but is not allowed to. Everybody else loves the wizard.

Next up is the one person in the group who has an actual job. This is not a wild thing because most people don't have a serious job and don't have to have one to get by, but he definitely has one. It's the mechanic. Big beefy guy, and not just muscle beef and also he has a big metal arm because of course he has. He's a mechanic and he runs powertools off of the arm. His job is that he works at the local museum of transport and restores old trains. Like back when they still ran on diesel old old. can you imagine!

He is the main reason for them flying off planet because other places ask him to come over to repair a thing for them, so Pilot flies him over, their other friends come with because it's like a roadtrip and that's kind of their thing and the remaining seats are chartered out which always makes for interesting company.

He enjoys his work very much but his hobby hobby is building model planes.

Next up the Detective, who is absolutely not just straight up Miller from The Expanse. He got unfrozen from cryosleep and lives in a totally different story from the others. He is constantly fidgeting because he doesn't have a gun anymore so he doesn't know what to do with hands. He is brooding all the time but it just looks silly because he has to do it in the very comfy and nice places his friends hang out in. But every now and then they get to go on some kind of investigation, a treasure hunt or something genuinely dangerous happens and he is fully in his element.

The one time a gun is relevant is when one of their adventures brings them to a wildlife reserve and he gets to have a tranquilizer rifle. He wants to be sad because that's all he has ever known but his friends are way too good at being friends. He is in a constant war over the gravistat (thermostat but for gravity) because back in his day spaceships didn't have artificial gravity yet.

Fourth guy I have yet is the Charmer. He's a linguistics student. His whole deal is that on every adventure he falls in love with someone and it never works out for some weird reason but he always stays friends with them. He knows people everywhere. He can not flirt for the life of him. He's like what if an 18CHA Bard only ever rolled nat 1s.

Their favourite place to hang out earthside is a Pub (Public Charging Station). Thats a place with wireless charging things at the tables for peoples cybernetics. Just so happens that the one they frequent also has a liquor license. The house specialty drink is "Battery Juice". A glowing green spiked lemonade. Of course you can also get it "discharged".

I hope enjoyed this little insight into one of the fandom unrelated worlds in my head and have a tremendously joyful day!

[hexcryingwolf]

hey so, like,

i need somebody close to glip to confront them about the Pearl thing.

i need someone to be as upset about the idea of it as i am.

i need it to be the last straw for somebody.

because if none of that happens, i cant even articulate how horrid that is. that the prospect of this accusation doesnt upset people.

i hope its not true. i hope with every fiber of my being that it didnt happen.

but i fully believe it did. four years after leaving that space my want was still for glip to heal, stop hurting people, and become a better person. i was still pretty scared of them, but i had pretty much moved on by the beginning of this year. there was nothing i could do about it, and sharing my experiences would just put a target on my back anyway, so as a lot of huge life changes were on the horizon for me i felt prepared to let go.

but i cant let this go. after years of tending the wounds that community inflicted on my this was a knife directly into my heart.

remember that political thing that happened in november 2016? i was in the flora irc by that time, and everyone was very rattled by it. glip announced that, to put some good into the world, theyd do a commission for anyone who donated x amount to y charity (i dont remember the specifics). id been a fan of glip's for years at that point, and this was an opportunity to finally have something id wanted for a long time.

a portrait of my cat, who i got as a baby, who passed away after almost twenty-one years, from my favourite artist.

they truly did a wonderful job with it. it looked so much like him. i dont have a lot of photos of him, he lived in the pre-smartphone era, so this was a precious thing to me. i had it printed, i got a frame, i hung it on my wall. it meant everything to me.

after all of the stuff that happened to me and leaving flora, it became tainted. now instead of reminding me of something i loved dearly it reminded me of something that hurt me badly. i couldnt get rid of it though. i took it off the wall, out of the frame, and slotted it onto a shelf where i could still see it, if i wanted to. it felt really awful, but i knew i loved that cat more than i could ever fear glip, so maybe someday i could look at it again without being reminded of them. maybe someday that portrait could go back up on my wall as an expression of love for my first best friend.

then i was told about what they had supposedly done to Pearl. and when i tell you i fucking bluescreened when i heard that... it fucking shattered me. it was a cold knife in my heart. the dog stuff was horrid of course but, something about this just broke something in me.

i had to walk away from my phone. i had to go find one of my cats and just. i just sat on the floor and pet her as she lay on the futon and purred and trusted me utterly, like im sure Pearl did for you, glip. she knows i love her, that i provide for her, that i would never bring harm to her. i just sat with her and cried.

im crying now, writing this. my hands are shaking.

do you care, glip?

my husband came to check on me, i told him what i was told and he was disgusted, the correct response. he was angry. he was angry. and for the first time in years, i wasnt scared of glip anymore.

i was fucking pissed.

i wish i didnt have to explain why, because it should be damn fucking obvious, but let me lay it out: a person's pet is their ward. we have a duty and responsibility to do everything we can to give the best lives possible for the animals we bring into our lives. we are their source of food, shelter, healthcare, everything. we are their world. and they should be able to trust that we would never use them for something selfish, because here's the thing: they don't understand the world as we do. theyre animals, they simply cant. WE are the ones who know right from wrong and act for them accordingly. WE keep them fed. WE keep them safe. WE make that final decision that they cant make when their suffering is to much to bear anymore. they trust us to do the things for them they can never understand.

we dont use them for our own sexual gratification. we dont do this because they dont understand that theyre being used, they have no context for how they are being treated, they dont know it shouldnt be happening.

they are helpless.

they are voiceless.

they are the perfect victim.

like a baby who will never grow up and tell everyone the truth.

like a baby, glip. like a helpless, voiceless baby.

and dont you ever fucking try to play the "well she initiated it" card. animals initiate all kinds of shit they shouldnt, things that are dangerous, could hurt them, could make them sick. knowing better is OUR job.

also. uhm. hey. did you know that "well they started it" is a thing child predators have said, do say, will say, about their victims.

here's a 10yo who "came onto" her abuser

here's a dad who claimed his daughter was just "a sexual kid"

here's a daycare worker who said the 1yo he abused was "promiscuous"

and you, glip. using Pearl because she was just "showing you love". just because its a "nicer" reason doesnt make you any fucking different from these monsters in my eyes.

i could not look at that portrait anymore. how could i ever look at him, and not remember what you do to helpless creatures like him. how could i think about what you did and remember you telling me no, of course marl never touched the cats, when i asked you if you were concerned that he might have. seems my worry was misplaced.

i burned the portrait. i took a small cast iron pot into my yard, ripped it to shreds, and spent a two hundred count box of matches on it. one wasnt enough. ten wasnt enough. one hundred wasnt enough. i did not want this thing to exist anymore. i did not want him, my cat, my first best friend, that piece of my soul that left this earth with him, to ever be able to be associated with you. that fire is burning in me now.

i do not capitalize your name anymore explicitly because you are subhuman by my standards. i do not want you to find healing and get better. i want you to face the consequences for all the hurt youve cause. i want you deplatformed so you can finally stop putting so much agony into the world.

if you didnt do it, youll have to convince me. you know my discord.

if you did do it, admit it. tell everyone what you did. you owe it to people so they can decide whether they want to associate with you or not based on it. i think if someone asks you directly, you wont lie about it.

because you dont believe you did anything wrong, do you?

[tainsan]

YES I DEF THINK THAT TOO!! im just rlly bad at spelling and meant jongho might just use ur name/a shortened ver 😞 yeosang would DEF use ur name but like in the nerdiest way im sorry. hes just a little dorky if that makes sense! i 🫶🏻 nerds tho

on the contrary wooyoung would use the cringiest nicknames ever whether ur there or not. 'my little sugarplum cupcake' 'my honey booboo bear' hed start saying into recipes atp like 'my 1/4 cup of sugar with five large marshmallows!!' thanks man. how sweet!

IM SOO EXCITED!! i need fluff rn these past few chapters have hit me like a train and i am SICK and TIRED of their shenanigans. just kiss it out! i will not sue promise maybe just scream a little 🤗 this fic has everything i love AND an amazing incredible spectacular funny kind author

yeah its not terrible until you have to do it ☹️ its a workout esp when ppl keep messing up 👿👿👿 i think im the side kick here tbh! us against the world though 🤞🏻(and misfit atz. ik yk what theyre gonna do and how theyll improve but IIII dont so until then.. they better sleep with one eye open)

hopefully ur mental health is good or i will uh. fight ur brain! 🤺 and i hope ur inside and safe now 🫶🏻🫶🏻

ok thats my super duper long message for now 😎 thank u for listening and sorry for the wall of text. i WILL be back🐺

-🦝

ME TOO I’m terrible at spelling bc I’m dyslexic😭 auto correct and grammarly are my saviours omg

OKAY I feel like Jongho would be too shy to call you a nickname at the start of the relationship but when he gets fully comfortable he will use babe and baby. Yeosang is such a nerd I love him. I have a thing for nerdy boys (seonghwa and Yeosang have me in a chokehold) (everytime I see seonghwa geek over Star Wars and Lego I will go feral)

NO BC YOU HAVE A POINT😭😭 wooyoung would 100% be using all the cringey weird petnames UNIRONICALLY. Bro woukd come up to you and be like “what’s up my pookie bear” dead serious and won’t understand why you are laughing at the name💀 LDKAOAOA 1/4 CUP OF SUGAR HAD ME ON THE FLOOR. But cupcake and muffin are defo gonna stick bc he thinks you’re the sweetest person alive!!!!

The past few chapters have been HEAVY and I’m so happy to be finally releasing some chapters which I know everyone has been waiting for😭. YOURE FLATTERING ME STOP ILY I’m happy you like the story and also me 🥹

I can’t understand :(( when I was in high school we did Matilda the musical and I was one of the kids in the back 😭😭 my teachers loved the fact that I have a history in gymnastics so they made me flip around and do tricks off a mini trampoline. And OMG THE LEAD FOR MATILDA WAS SO BAD IT WASNT EVEN FUNNY idk who casted but she couldn’t sing or dance or act😭 we did so so so many retakes and every retake I had to be flipping around and I was so done by the end of it

We can both me main characters 🤭 us against the world bae🫶 yeah yeah I have no idea what they are going to do we are both in the blind….🤫

I’d love for you to fight my brain it’s a mess but I’m improving slowly. the last few months have been super super tough for me so I hope that I will get out of this period. But I’ll be fine !!!

NEVER APOLOGISE FOR RANTINGGG

You better be back 🐺AWOOOO

[randomoranges]

i have not written anything in 45 yrs

i got this silly idea the other day

sometimes u just gotta write a silly

Notifications April 2023

 Edward settles in bed with a book he’s been looking forward to read, when he hears his phone go off somewhere around the living room. He must have forgotten to turn off the volume and the WIFI after watching a video on it, but he can’t really be bothered to get up to shut it. If anything, his phone will discharge and that’s a problem for Future Edward.

 He makes himself comfortable, happy for the blissful quiet of his house, when he hears his phone ping again. Clearly, it’s a coincidence, and he does his best to ignore it to concentrate on the gripping tale in his hands, however, the blasted device screams from the other room and Edward cannot ignore it anymore.

 Maybe, he thinks, as he gets out of his comfortable bed with a huff, slipping his feet inside his slippers, it’s an emergency and at this point it better be. Whoever this person is has successfully interrupted his down time and he will not stand for this. (Granted, he should have turned his device off as he normally does, but that’s a detail.)

 By the time Edward finds his phone – nestled between the couch pillows – practically hidden, there must have been half a dozen other pings and dings that had reverberated throughout his living room and when Edward finally unlocks the damned thing, it’s to find that someone’s liked a myriad of photos of him on Facebook. (Which reminds him, he needs to ask Calvin to stop a) taking candid shots of him and b) posting them on social and c) tagging him in them.)

 Edward nearly and almost chucks his phone across the room.

 To think he’d been bothered by that.

 And here he thought there’d been an emergency.

 This will teach him.

 He puts the volume off and is about to shut the thing completely, but then another notification comes in and his curiosity gets the best of him.

 Who the ever loving fuck is stalking his photos and why?

 He’s only partially surprised when he sees that all nineteen notifications have come from the same person; Étienne M. Maisonneuve.

 Annoyed, but mildly so, and now more intrigued, he fires off a quick text message as he walks back to his room.

 Message to Curly:

You know if you wanted my attention, you could have just called instead of sending your weird SOS

 He picks up his book, intent, really, to read it, but he finds himself picking up his phone again to see if Étienne will answer him or if he’s done with his little social experimentation.

 Message from: Curly

Édouard!!!! Hi :D

 Judging by the message, Étienne is not in distress but he might be up to no good. It is Friday night after all and that could mean a multitude of things.

 Message to Curly:

Hello yourself. I thought you were out tonight?

 Maybe it’s tomorrow night, but he’s pretty convinced Étienne had mentioned he was going out Friday night, last time they had spoken.

 Message from: Curly

I an ouyt and about!

**out

***am

 Edward grins at the corrections.

 Message to Curly:

How drunk are you lol?

 Message from: Curly

Might be a biiiiiittttttttttttt gone ahahahaha. Maye habe had a drinkly b4 going out with the gays.

*guys

**well theyre also gay HAHAHA.

 He kind of hates how he does actually crack a smile at the joke, but he schools his face in a neutral expression, even though he is aware that Étienne cannot see him.

 Message to Curly:

Then why are you going through old photos of me and liking them? Is the party that boring?

 Message from: Curly

Noooooo. Parties realy good.

*Party’s

**?? Idk what speilling is anywmore

Im having a smoke outside.

 Message to Curly:

And you decided to look up photos of me? Instead of socialising with everyone else?

 He doesn’t mean it as a reprimand. He just knows how Étienne works and how he’ll start a conversation with anyone within a foot of him.

 Message from: Curly

Éfodouard!

**Édouard!

See. I Loïc and Daniel wanted to see photographic proof of you ecisting.. So I found a photo of you on FB bcs I emptied my phone like yesterday so it’s void of you now ;(  which I knoe is a travesty. But. So I went on FB and then showed them ur profile pic. And then I went out for a smoke and there was literally no one outside. So I returned to FB and started looking and then I found like a million of photos that I had never seen??????? So I had to like them. To show be supportive.

 Message to Curly:

Uh-huh.

 It’s not that Edward doesn’t believe him; he just finds the tale a little amusing. That and how completely gone Étienne’s sentence structure seems to be.

 Message from: Curly

Shhhhh. Ure like fcking hot okay???? Im not allowed to look at photos of my hot bf??????

 He forgets how much blunter Étienne becomes when he’s had a few drinks and who knows what else and so, the message takes him by surprise. He feels his face heat up and puts his phone down for a moment to compose himself.

 Message to Curly:

You can look all you want but those are old.

 They are. Some are from before they got together. Then again, it’s not like he can stop him from it anyways.

 Message from: Curly

I don’t care. I hadnt seen them b4. Plus I totally still look at older pics of u n me from way back. We were total killers anywahs hahah.. But u look happy in these. N cute. N lovelyyyy. Did calvin take them???? Msurprised u don’t look ready to murder him ahahahahahahha.

Jk

But tell him thank u for the photos hahahahahaah

If he took them lol

Or just thank u to the person who took the photos

Also I havent seen u in like 45 yrs so I have to look at pics to not forget what u look like :(

 He would have looked ready to murder Calvin if he would have been aware that Calvin was taking any of these. Yet, it seems as though Calvin has the uncanny knack of snapping a photo when he isn’t looking. And – they aren’t bad photos, really. However, he will need to have a chat with Calvin about this, or at the very least keep a better eye on what he gets tagged in. (In Calvin’s defence, the photos are all very tame; one of him out gardening from last summer, another from a recent walk when he’d stopped to look at a window display and such.)

 Message to Curly:

Your life truly is tragic.

 Message from: Curly

It is the tragicest. Édouaaaaard. When will I see u again????? :( :( :(

 Message to Curly:

Soon, hopefully. I miss you too <3

 Message from: Curly

:D

Ok. Smoke finished and its cold outside. I will let u go back to ur old man routine <3

 Message to Curly:

Who says I’m not out having fun as well??

 He’s almost insulted that Étienne would assume that he’s not out and about, but then again, it’s not as if Étienne is wrong either. Plus, he can imagine Étienne’s stupid little pleased smile and he’s a sucker for it something fierce. Another good thing that they’re not currently occupying the same space, otherwise, Étienne would have seen through him. Then again, maybe not, if only for the fact that Étienne isn’t really sober at the moment. He could use that to his advantage.

 Message from: Curly

Pls. I know u. u have something tmrw nite. U like having one night of Calm TM.

 Message to Curly:

Maybe I’ve changed. New year new me and all.

 Message from: Curly

Hahahahahahahaha. Ure so funny Édouard. Hot and funny ;)

 Edward huffs. It’s not fair that even in his inebriated state, Étienne still manages to get the upper hand on him. He’ll have to concoct some revenge plan for a later date.

 Message to Curly:

You just like tormenting me.

 Message from: Curly

I do. It’s super fun. Ure super fun.

Oh!

I know!

We should go out next time ure here!

Like before – but better!

Its not the same as before but its still fun. We can have fun!!!!

Go out!!!!!

Plus like last time and the one before or wtv was fcking lame bcs curfew and shit. Or just panini stuff.

Theres a few cool places ud like.

 Message to Curly:

I’ll leave the planning to you then.

 They don’t need to go out. He likes just spending time with Étienne, even if all they do is hangout in his backyard. But – he knows Étienne likes showing him the sights and taking him out and he doesn’t mind.

 He thinks about it for a moment – they really haven’t been out to a club since the fallout and the getting back together. He wonders what it would be like. For starters, the scene has changed tremendously. Then, there’s the fact that they’ve both changed over the past few decades – for the better, thankfully. He knows it’ll be different than it had been before, but he also knows (and hopes) that it’ll be fun. If anything, Étienne had always been good at that.

 Message from: Curly

Ok. Ok im going back in now

Yesssss.. Enjoy ur wtv. Ill call u next. I love you <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 Message to Curly:

Looking forward to it. Be safe. Love you too. <3 xx

 He waits a moment longer, almost certain Étienne isn’t quite done, and he laughs loudly, when there’s one more notification that pops up on his phone. He shuts if off afterwards and finally picks up his book for good.

 FIN

[temikoangie]

Tenko being a buddhist and keeping true to these beliefs even when it's not the logical thing is what makes Tenko my fave so while I understand why people w some types of religious trauma would dislike that part and interpret the master as a bad influence, as someone whose religious trauma was getting my religion demonized, seen as toxic and dismissed, it works for me as much better to interpret him as well meaning. I actually think I've seen way more people portraying him as toxic than anything

i wanna quickly preface this right now tht I Am Not a Buddhist Nor do i practice Buddhism so if i ever get something wrong here Please do correct me im entirely open to crticism on that part. ( i realize now i didn't end up going indepth to your religion as i expected but i am Very much open to feedback if desired)

personally if people Do interpret master as a toxic influence Solely because of the religion that he himself raised tenko in, i think theyre!! very horribly wrong ! there is nothing wrong with that at all, tenko's beliefs really do align very similarly. however my main ick with the master that tends to get overlooked is How he essentially treated the whole ''hating men'' thing.

Tenko, canonically told us themselves, that they use their neo-aikido abilities to go out every day & night, to help bring justice. Whether it's helping an elder cross the street, tracking down a thief or even sexual predators on the train !

the 4th dialogue especially concerns me, seeing there wasn't any limit on what situations tenko is essentially sent in to diffuse. and it seems like they've been doing this since they were young! ( at least young enough that it would've seem like they've been doing this for... practically their whole life) Who knows what kind of things tenko was exposed to !! and in the next FTE we pretty much get a confirmation as to why tenko hated men, and it was because their own master reinforced the idea that men shouldn't ever be touched, lest your abilities gets drained out. I get that the master is trying to shape up tenko's moral compass (hence stuff like ''No getting excited about the holidays, dont eat 3 more sweets per day, dont touch men etc etc)

(thisis also the same fte where tenko ''finds out'' that their master is a man and completely freaks out )

i get what the master is trying to do here but like... that's definitely not something you should say to your Very Impressionable Child who's already seen things they probably shouldn't have to experience at their age. there are definitely less.. traumatizing ways of doing this.

Did the master intend to do this maliciously? or did he meant it well and didn't realize the profound effect it would have on his Essentially Foster child ? who freaking knows. the game never really gives us any better hints for either side, but regardless of intention, it's still not a very smart thing to do to this traumatized person with emotional dysregulation .

now going back to the buddhism ppl who insinuate that master is a bad influence on tenko Solely because his religion is stupid and kind of weird! like idk how explain it to you but i don't like the attempts of demonization of other religions that isnt your typical Evangelical Christianity type thing. ppl who think that Is the Reason to interpret master as toxic is ! wrong ! and Should reevaluate why they see master as toxic ! and i am here Personally to tell you that Maybe master shouldve idk. taught him to redirect his energy to something else entirely ! that doesn't involve giving him a freaking savior/caretaker complex! people shouldnt use this as a chance to demonize buddhism!!!

[chimericchaos]

Ok this tea may be too fucking hot but like

Maybe the VAST majority of human experience that people define as "normal" is very much a tiny restrictive framework of what humans actually are and can actually be

I think the reason why theres no concrete answer of what separates "man from beast" is because there is actually no fucking line you dingus theyre the same thing. A bagel and a fucking donut. You may be able to ascribe differences in appearance and behaviour, but in reality they really are basically the same thing, and trying to sort things into hyperspecific boxes does more harm than good. Humans fundamentally are the same, and all human experiences so far are human experiences.

I often find myself wishing for something of a post-LGBT era, some utopia where people are just people and what they identify as does not matter as much as the ability to BE. Yes, gay and trans rights do matter very much, but those are no longer "gay and trans rights" but instead basic human rights. I get that people assign labels to themselves in order to feel part of a larger community and to somewhat accurately describe their experience, but there are many times where individuals in communities that seem to share this common thing are really that thing in a totally different way. There is no correct way to be gay or correct way to be trans. There is no correct way to be plural. Everyones experiences will be different. And this is the point I'm getting at: everyone is so fundamentally different that the concept of putting people into boxes makes no fucking sense to me.

And yes this goes for every single person out there trying to dictate how other people live their lives. Identity is not sacred. No one has to conform to any definition of "normal" and they often dont simply by existing. The desire to control the way someone else is and lives, i equate to a kind of citizen-policing, a symptom and product of a system that places value on power and normalcy. Its insane that i seem to live in a world (my own fucking brain) where yes obviously power isnt actually a thing, its just exerting violence under restricing circumstances, and normalcy isnt a thing, its just a framework for the population to create people who add to the current idea of "person" (and not, you know, just do their own thing), and yes of course value isnt actually a thing but is instead a mentally-assigned trait we have given to stuff to aid structures of power and view some things as greater than other things. I dont know why the hell people think they need to work at a job they hate to afford food when you can just? Have a community support network that distributes resources to the people based purely on necessity and relation of community?

I know im talking about a literal fairytale utopia apparently, and we are in a societal transitional period where we only figured out being gay was ok actually like fucking a decade ago, and this period is likely to go on for another 50 or so years before we get our shit together enough to "normalize" the very many experiences of what being gay means, yet this stuff makes a bunch more sense to do than whatever the hell mashup-system we currently have. The only fucking people who seem to share these views are anarchists and even then theres disagreements. Because "anarchist" does not define every persons individual mental manifesto that may differentiate wildly from another person's, or even from the core fucking ideas of the group you are a part of.

Im not going to bother outlining my entire thesis and putting something like post-post-post-post-modernism-anarchism on it. Im not going to define myself as a pansexual nonbinary somewhat median system. The point of it is that those terms dont belong to just me, but also a million people who are very much NOT me. I cant even go onto r/hypersexual and find a single person on there with the same opinions i have (hypersexuality isnt a bad thing actually and the sooner you stop hating yourself for being "too sexual" because thats "weird" and "difficult to make friends", the better because you are actually valid As You Are and while you will not find many people willing to befriend you and understand you and all the stuff that inherently comes with being a friend of you, that is actually an example of a society that is incompatible with the people in it and that needs to fucking change.) In some weird way i end up feeling more isolated in the communities i am supposed to be like, because of that "supposed to be". In reality, you are fundamentally the same and yet fundamentally different from everyone else and it would not be a fair comparison to compare you with Anyone else in Any Way.

I understand that Identity is a construct we as walking bags of slowly rotting meat use to bring us together and understand experiences others have so that we can see ourselves in that position, but like, maybe we need a better construct to form a betrer system where we can understand experiences that are not at all like us actually, and we can have empathy (or something that we ascribe to whatever this "empathy" is) for people who are fundamentally different to us, because in some capacity everyone is fundamentally different to us. We need to create communities of fundamentally different people because thats what we are. While some words can work as quick short explanations of parts of who we are, they cannot replace knowing someone and the intricacies of who they are that you have gained over years of knowing them.