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polkadotpenguin16 · 2 months

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The Five Stages of Grief: Anger

A/N: sorry it took me so long to get this up! It's been a crazy couple weeks and I hadn't had any time (or will, frankly) to do any editing. But it's here now! Also, guess who finally got an AO3 account? The story's posted over there now as well.

Pairing: Sonny Carisi x female reader

Tags: still angsty; language

Word count: 3.4K (I'm sorry, I got carried away!)

Previous parts: Prologue | Denial

After Amanda got her kids in bed, she decided to catch up on The Bachelor. He was about to give away his final rose when she was interrupted by her door buzzer. Begrudgingly, she got up to see who could be stopping by at this hour.

“Who is it?” She asked through the intercom, annoyance evident in her voice.

“Um, it’s Carisi. Can, uh…can I come up?”

That’s definitely not who she was expecting. Intrigued, she buzzed him in. She answered the door to a crestfallen Sonny. His hair was in disarray when it was usually cemented in place with gel. It looked like his eyes were red from rubbing them.

Her face of confusion morphed into one of sympathy. “I take it dinner didn’t go well?”

Sonny stood in the doorway with his mouth agape. He was completely lost for words. This was not where he planned on being tonight. But he didn’t want to be by himself, so he came to Rollins looking for the support of a friend.

“Why don’t you come in?” Ushering him inside, she observed his disheveled clothes as he dragged his feet through her living room. He was really out of it. She went into her kitchen looking for something to cheer him up. “It was pizza night at the Rollins household, if you want some.” She called to him while rummaging through her refrigerator. “I can get you a beer or—”

Peeking around the corner, she saw Sonny sitting on her couch. Resting his elbows on his knees, cradling his head in his hands. It looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. You must’ve said something pretty awful at dinner to have broken him like this.

Changing course, she grabbed some glasses and a bottle of bourbon from the cabinet and joined him on the couch. “So, let me take a wild guess.” She poured a glass for him and herself. “She didn’t accept your apology?”

He picked up his glass and took a gulp. “Didn’t even come by for me to give it.”

“Ouch…” After hearing how you walked out on him, Amanda didn’t think dinner and an apology would fix much. But she at least expected you to tell him to his face. “That’s cold.”

“You’re telling me,” he replied flatly. He took another swig, welcoming the burning in his throat. Anything would feel better than the disappointment coursing through his veins.

“Can’t even believe it,” he huffed while staring at his glass. “I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me by missing a dinner reservation.”

“You know, if that’s all it took to ruin it…maybe it wasn’t all that good to begin with.” Amanda thought Sonny might’ve been looking at you through rose-colored glasses.

“I thought it was.” His face was full of sorrow and remorse as he finished his drink. “I know we haven’t spent as much time together lately. But when we were together, I thought we were doing fine.”

“What’d she say when she left?” She asked, trying to gauge your actions as she poured him another drink.

“She was tired of being an afterthought.”

She puffed out a breath and shook her head. “Well, I guess she didn’t know what she was signing up for when she decided to date a cop.” Amanda knew the toll working at SVU took on having a personal life. It was a balancing act that required a lot of sacrifices from romantic partners that most weren’t willing to make. You weren’t from their world. You probably wouldn’t understand.

“I’ve been trying my best.” His voice was dripping with frustration and exhaustion. “Trying to be a good detective, a good brother, a good boyfriend…”

“I know you have.”

“Then why can’t she see that?”

“What’s she expecting you to do? Quit your job?”

“I don’t know! She won’t even talk to me!” Exasperated, he slammed his glass on the table. This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go. You were supposed to be home together. Apologizing to each other. Hugging one another and promising to do better.

“Look, Carisi, maybe you need to let this go—”

“I don’t wanna lose her, Rollins!” That was his worst fear. With all the horrors he’d witnessed, he was petrified something would happen to you. Something that would take you away from him. He just never thought that something would end up being himself.

“Okay, okay.” She set her glass down and grabbed his arm, trying to grab his attention. “Now, I don’t claim to be the expert on relationships here. But if this was it, the ‘true love’ you thought it was, would she have walked away so easily?”

Sonny’s hand began to tremble. He didn’t want to think about that possibility. He loved you and was doing the best he could. He was trying to make everyone happy. Why wasn’t that enough for you?

“I just wish she’d talk to me,” he muttered quietly.

“I’m sure she will,” she reassured him, patting him on the shoulder. “She can’t ignore you forever. But make sure you’re prepared for what she’s got to say.”

He picked his glass up and gazed down into the brown liquid. Swirling it around, he searched for answers as to what went wrong and what to do next. Unable to find any, he took another drink.

Fin and Sonny had to go out to Brooklyn to talk to a witness. After they finished the interview, they walked back to their car as Fin tried to make him feel better.

“Look, man, all I’m saying is it could be worse. At least you got the apartment.” It wasn’t working. “When my ex-wife got mad, she’d kick my sorry ass out. Spent a lot of time couch surfing those days.”

Sonny could barely hear what Fin was saying. He was preoccupied with his raging headache, courtesy of his hangover from yesterday. He was pissed. And the more he thought about it, the more pissed he got. He texted you late last night and this morning hoping you’d respond.

Doll, please answer me.

I can’t fix this if you don’t talk to me.

Are you just gonna ignore me forever?

But he was met with radio silence. He was at the end of his rope. A relationship was a two-way street, and he couldn’t repair it alone. He was beginning to think you had no interest in trying. He was brought back to reality when he recognized a familiar bank a few blocks ahead. Your bank.

You could avoid his calls and texts, but there was one thing you couldn’t ignore.

“What’d you say we grab some lunch before heading back? I’m starving.” Fin asked as they passed by a deli.

“You go ahead. I, uh…got an errand I need to run. Meet you back here in twenty.” He picked up his pace and sprinted down the street.

You were busying yourself with work. Color-coding your spreadsheets. Reorganizing your filing cabinet. Again. There was a lot of thinking to do, and you were just not up to it.

The texts from Sonny didn’t go unnoticed. It felt like your phone was burning a hole in your pocket. You knew you needed to talk. You were only avoiding the inevitable. Conflict really wasn’t your thing. You were more content to suffer in silence than voice your concerns. Being so passive helped you get through life. But it also got you walked over on multiple occasions.

You weren’t sure if you could move forward together. You wanted you to kiss and make up. Pretend like the other night never happened. But you knew things would inevitably fall back into the same pattern. Back to going to bed alone. Weekends by yourself. Sonny coming home an exhausted shell of himself. You couldn’t watch him waste away. Nor could you watch him put all his spare energy into caring for another woman. All your emotions were floating around inside you like a whirlpool. They were all tangled together, and you couldn’t separate them enough to know how to explain them to Sonny.

You were going to talk to him. Just…not yet.

The front door opening made you look up from your computer, and you were shocked by what you saw. It was Sonny, swiftly walking towards your desk. And he looked upset. A deer in headlights would’ve looked less stunned than you.

“What…what are you doing here?” You sheepishly asked as he stared you down.

“We need to talk.” His voice was clipped, answer direct.

“I’m at work, Sonny.”

“Well, you’ve ignored all my other attempts to get your attention.”

“I’m not ignoring you,” you lied poorly. “I’ve just been…busy.”

Not liking your answer, he huffed and crossed his arms. “Why didn’t you come home yesterday?”

“I told you. I needed some time.”

“Well, exactly how much time do you need?”

You didn’t have an answer to that. Your leg started bouncing, and your heart was pounding in your chest. God, why did he have to just show up here? You were already nervous about talking with him before he came. You wanted to get your nerves under control before you met so you could share your feelings with him calmly and eloquently. You weren’t expecting to get ambushed.

“You know, this isn’t even fair. I’ve apologized and tried to make things right, but you won’t even give me the time of day.” Sonny was beyond irritated, his voice becoming steadily louder. “You disappeared in the middle of the night, unable to be reached. Did you know I’ve been worried sick about you?!”

“Everything okay out here?” Your boss called out from behind you. A few colleagues were peeking out to see what the commotion was.

“It’s fine.” You put on a weak smile. “Nothing to worry about.” Your boss eyed Sonny up and down. Suddenly realizing how this looked, he uncrossed his arms and took a deep breath to relax his face. He then felt bad about showing up angry and unannounced. Although he took a small comfort in knowing that your boss cared enough to check on you in a situation like this. Your boss gave you a questioning look, and you gave him a reassuring nod in return. Satisfied enough that nothing dangerous was occurring, he reluctantly returned to his office.

“I’ll come by later tonight, okay?” You had to get him out of here before he got security called. “Now, will you please leave before we make a bigger scene?”

“That’s all I asked for.” He turned on his heel and walked out.

You were surprised to see Sonny made it back to the apartment before you. He was sitting on the couch, looking pensive. Nervously, you walked over to sit on the opposite side. It felt strange being so far away when you had been so close just a couple of days ago. You both sat there for several minutes without speaking.

The silence was killing Sonny. He wanted to rip the band-aid off. To yell, fight, scream, something! He needed to move past the conflict part of this story and get to the happy ending. He wanted to hug you. Smell your hair. Whisper how much he loved you and that everything was going to be alright. But you wouldn’t even look him in the eye.

Fiddling with your sweaty fingers, you tried to figure out how to explain what you felt. But that was easier said than done. There was some deep-seated fear that saying it out loud would make things worse than they already were. You wanted to swallow your feelings and bury them deep inside. To keep them from hurting anyone.

“So, that’s it?” Sonny asked, unable to stay quiet any longer. “We’re just gonna sit here and not say anything?”

You were frozen in your seat. Searching for the right words and the courage to say them.

“Okay, don’t say anything and just listen.” He turned himself to face you. “I know things have been hard for us lately…”

You had a difficult time hearing Sonny over the ringing in your ears. You started to feel lightheaded and your breath quickened. It felt like you were floating outside of your body, looking down at the two of you. You just wanted to disappear.

Sonny could see that you were not hearing his words. He was losing you, even as he sat beside you, to some dark place in your mind. He needed to get you back, to focus on him. “Doll, please you at me,” he pleaded softly, breaking you out of your trance.

You slowly looked up. When you connected with his sad blue eyes, the corners of yours began to feel moist. But you tried to keep any tears at bay. You were not going to cry. You’ve cried enough already.

“How did we get here, sweetheart? How do we get back?” He reached across the length of the couch and offered you his hand, hoping you’d let him pull you out of the darkness. He wanted to be a beacon through the storm he saw in your eyes. A storm of raw, painful feelings that he had no doubt caused.

But you couldn’t take it. Not now.

“Sonny, I don’t know…it’s not that simple—”

“What do you mean ‘it’s not that simple’?” He was trying to remain calm but was starting to lose his composure.

You needed this to stop. Maybe ending things would be better for both of you. No more fighting. No more tears. “I think it might be best if we—”

“Don’t finish that sentence, please.” Shooting up from the couch, Sonny knelt in front of you and grasped your hands. You didn’t pull away, but you couldn’t look at him. “Tell me how to fix this,” he desperately pleaded. He refused to give up on you. “Just tell me what I have to do so we can go back to how we were!”

You took a deep breath, trying to find your voice. “I can’t go back.”

Sonny’s eyes filled with disappointment. “What, why?”

Your instinct was to shrink back into yourself. But you mustered courage you didn’t even know you had. “I’m tired, Sonny. I can’t wait around for you to choose me.”

“Choose you?” He was stunned by your words. “What are you talking about? I’ve chosen you every day since we’ve met!”

This was what you wanted to avoid. You didn’t want to make him angry. You didn’t want a fight. But you were in too deep now.

“I know you think that.” You tried to keep your voice from trembling. “But I’ve felt so lonely in this relationship. It feels like everybody gets the best of you, and there’s nothing left for me.”

He didn’t understand. How could you think that? How could you not see how much he loved you? “Why haven’t you told me this before?”

“When did I have the chance?” You replied with a sigh. “When you got off work in the middle of the night? After you came back from taking care of Amanda?”

This realization hit him like a ton of bricks. He released your hands and took a step back in disbelief. “So that’s what this is really about?” He couldn’t believe that you would think that way. That you thought of him that way.

Your arms were shaky from adrenaline. Arguing like this went against every fiber of your being. “Sonny, she sees more of you than I do.”

“She’s my partner. We work together,” he replied, emphasizing his choice of words.

“It’s not just work,” you countered. “You with her at work, you’re always at her place. Sometimes it feels like you’d rather spend time there than at home…with me. And I’m left here all by myself.”

“That’s not fair!” He snapped defensively. “You have friends and family around you, and she’s got nobody.”

You couldn’t help but huff at his response. “You’re right, I do. Thought I had a boyfriend, too.”

“The hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“You said it yourself.” You steadied yourself and stood up from your seat. “She has nobody but you. What does that sound like, Sonny?”

“It’s not like that and you know it.”

“I do?” Your cheeks began to flush, and your hands clenched into fists as you raised your voice to match his. You desperately wanted him to hear you. To see your side. “Do boyfriends stand their girlfriends up after canceling date night for two months? Or do they take them home and cook them dinner because they had a bad day?”

You left Sonny speechless. He’d never seen you so angry before. Why you were being so unreasonable? “What more do you want me to say, doll?” He asked through gritted teeth. “I’m sorry about missing dinner. I made a mistake. I thought you’d be more understanding since I was helping a friend.”

“This is more than just missing that date,” you retorted. Months of bitterness were coming to the surface. “This is about you burning yourself to keep everyone around you warm. Are you even happy, Sonny?”

“Excuse me?” He asked, dumbfounded by your question.

“You’re gone from dawn ‘till dusk, working a job that’s draining the life from you. What little spare time you have, you spend it taking care of everybody else. When was the last time you did something for yourself?”

Sonny brows knitted together as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “So you’re saying I should ignore when people need my help?”

You groaned and stamped your foot. He was completely missing your point. “I think you need to start thinking about what matters to you!”

Tensions were high and you were both tired. Physically exhausted, and tired of fighting. Neither of you were thinking straight and were spewing words you didn’t mean.

“This is all because you’re jealous?” He accidentally blurted out in a fit anger. “You’re seriously jealous of a lonely, single mother? You’re—” Sonny bit his tongue to stop himself from going any further. He was losing control of his temper and speaking without thinking things through.

Your jaw dropped in shock from his words. Something snapped inside you, and you could hardly recognize the man in front of you. This wasn’t the Sonny you had fallen in love with. “Not anymore. She can have you.”

You marched towards the door, past a red-faced Sonny. You could’ve sworn you’d seen steam pouring out of his ears. “If you walk out that door, there’s no coming back!” He bellowed at you.

But you ignored his warning. Looking over your shoulder, you yelled, “I’m done third-wheeling this relationship. You can fuck her all you want now!”

You slammed the door and ran down the stairwell. Once outside, you leaned against the building, then collapsed to the ground and sobbed. Your pulse was pounding in your head. It felt like your lungs had collapsed in on themselves, making every breath you took a struggle. You were shaking uncontrollably, experiencing a full-blown panic attack. What did you just do? How could you say those things?

Reaching his boiling point, Sonny punched a hole in the wall. The impact shook the apartment, and one of the picture frames on the mantle crashed to the floor. Needing to cool down before he caused any more damage, he sat down and took some deep breaths, not even noticing the pain radiating from his knuckles. He was disgusted by your accusation. But also equally appalled by what he said. He didn’t mean it. Could never mean it. He didn’t want you to leave.

Once he had his emotions under control, he took a second to observe the aftermath of his rage. A hole in the wall, broken glass on the floor, and a bruised hand. Completely drained, he thought it was best to try and get some sleep. He dragged himself to his bedroom to take off his sweat-drenched clothes and crawl under the covers, hoping sleep would overtake him. But as he stood at the foot of the bed, he couldn’t bring himself to sleep in there. This was your room.

The bed you shared.

It was only a tiny one-bedroom apartment, but he felt so lost in there without you. It wasn’t home if you weren’t here. He grabbed a pillow and blanket and stumbled into the living room, resigned to sleep on the couch. He got as comfortable as he could on the small sofa and closed his eyes. As he tried to fall asleep, the red-hot anger that had fueled him began to diminish. All he was left with was a feeling of emptiness.

Alone. He felt alone.

#oh god she writes now #sonny carisi #sonny carisi x reader #sonny carisi x you #sonny carisi imagine #dominick carisi #law and order special victims unit #law and order svu #svu #anti rollisi

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escapingrealtiylovinginsanity · 3 months

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Sonny Carisi: Lucky To Have You

This was inspired by my rewatch of episode 19x8. Amanda was so awful to Sonny. (I’m sorry I’m not a fan of the couple.) This came out of nowhere and wrote itself in two hours. Enjoy xoxo

Warning: Anti-Amanda and anti-Rollisi content.

You plopped down on the chair across from Sonny. His gaze jumped up to you startled out of his thoughts. Sonny had become a regular at the cafe you co-owned. He first ventured in three months prior. You knew he would be trouble and not because of the gun and badge attached to his hip. No, it would be a lot worse kind.

The kind that would leave marks on your already bruised heart.

You had found him attractive as soon as he had walked in and it hadn’t taken long for his personality to make him even hotter. His sassy attitude and genuine care for others were impossible for you to fault. You had instantly formed a crush. You had flirted shamelessly as he had ordered. He was friendly but didn’t seem interested. Over the next few weeks, you found out why as you developed a semblance of a friendship. He had feelings for another girl. She was a cop that he worked with Amanda.

Under normal circumstances, you would have been able to let it go. Then he started looking to you for your opinion on the situation. He told you the nitty gritty of their interactions. You came to a quick calculated conclusion-

Amanda Rollins was totally and completely using him.

It made it so much worse that Sonny was head over heels for her. He wanted to be all in with her and raise her daughter Jesse as his own. You had delicately tried to tell him your opinion but he had transferred the blame of it not going smoothly to himself. You knew he wasn’t ready to hear it and didn’t want to.

You had been there before yourself. So, you lent him a listening ear and let yourself be placed in the friend zone. Sonny was too magnetic to ignore. He made you laugh you’d rather have that as friendship than nothing at all.

He looked so defeated in his seat staring at his sandwich instead of eating it. “You want to talk about it?” His gaze shifts up to you and he shakes his head in frustration.

“I’m just stupid,” You think he isn’t going to continue but he does. Telling you about the work trip with Amanda to pick up a suspect. The late night at the bar, the bar fight, and how it felt so good to feel like he wasn’t just a cop. He had felt a connection with Amanda as they had fought together. He had walked her back to her hotel room thinking she had felt it too. Only to find the next morning that she had slept with the bartender.

You wince sympathetically, “I’m so sorry Sonny.” You touch his forearm, trying to ignore the zaps of electricity, to comfort him. “But you are so much more than a cop.” You look back at the staff you have for the day. It is a good bunch. You redirect your gaze back to him with a bright smile. “Do you have plans for today?” He raised his eyebrow tilting his head as he assessed you.

It had been enough of an agreement. You had led him out to your car urging him into your passenger seat. You let him pick the music and rolled down the windows to enjoy the summer heat. You thought he would ask where you were going but he didn’t. You had just left the city when you finally asked, “Left or right?”

His blue eyes had shined when he directed you left. You guys drove around randomly for hours and Sonny seemed a lot happier. The two of you were talking and changing the music to songs the other had never heard of. You stopped when you realized that you had been out this way before. “Oh, hey I think I know where we are.” Sonny sat up and looked around. He realized he hadn’t been paying attention to where you guys had been going.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I drove up this way a few months ago.” You glanced at him admitting softly, “It was a bad day.” Sonny didn’t know why that surprised him. Everyone has bad days. But you had always seemed like a constant ray of sunshine. Even when you got frustrated or overwhelmed you always seemed able to laugh it off and keep a smile on your face. “You know we are only a little over three hours from Niagra Falls. I almost went last time when I stopped for lunch a town over and found out where I was.”

“Why didn’t you?” You hummed softly to yourself, tilting your head back and forth in thought.

“I don’t know. I’ve never been there before and it- It just didn’t seem like a place to go when you were sad and alone.”

“Well, you’re not sad or alone right now.” You laughed clicking on your turn signal to head towards the amazing mom and papa diner you had found.

“Yeah okay,” When Sonny didn’t join in your laughter you looked back at him. “You’re not serious- you want to go to the falls today?” Your excitement couldn’t be contained and leeched into your voice. “We’ve already been driving around for almost four hours and it's almost three. We would be home so late tonight.” Sonny just kept smiling at you with a raised eyebrow. You start bouncing in your seat. “Yes, yes, yes! Okay but first, I have to take you to the place with the best breakfast food you will ever eat.”

Sonny ended up taking over driving after he reluctantly agreed that the diner was in fact the best breakfast he had ever had. The rest of the trip was just as lively. It felt like the two of you had fallen into a different level of friendship. The falls were amazing and Sonny let you linger for as long as you wanted. He snapped a few pictures on his phone making a comment about you guys coming back with his camera to take more pictures. You had to remind your over-excited heart that the two of you were just friends.

You stayed until dusk and were ushered out with the park closing. It was late and Sonny was the one who threw out the idea of getting a hotel and starting back in the morning. You agreed, texting your opener that you probably wouldn’t be in until the middle of their shift, and if it got busy to call in the college student who was begging for hours.

It was a cheap hotel that looked like it hadn’t been remodeled since the 60s but was in a safe area. He walked you to your door and thanked you for the trip. There was a lightness back in his blue eyes that made his smile seem even brighter. He was close to you, his body practically brushing yours. You could smell his cologne, rich and musky. It invaded your senses and you would blame that on losing control because Amanda Rollins was a fool and you would be damned if you were going to be one too.

You tilt into him, pressing on your toes to steal a kiss. His lips are soft and taste of coffee. You let the sensations take over you as you drop to your feet. When you finally open your eyes you see him staring at you like a puzzle he can’t figure out. You wonder if you should apologize but that simple kiss was one of the best you have ever had.

His hand cups your cheek as he slowly leans to kiss you again. You smile into the kiss and giggle giddily as he pulls back. His face still shows confusion even with his smile, “Anyone would be lucky to have you, Dominick Carisi.” His blue eyes blaze You turn opening the door. You look back and he is starting to step away- a gentleman as always.

You had always been more demanding.

You grab at his forearm and he pauses. You step back into the room letting your hand slide down until your fingers find his interlocking. Then you pull gently encouraging him forward. He follows you dotingly, the door swinging closed behind him.

Taglist:

@polkadotpenguin16

@pulparindos

@rebeccapineapple

#law and order special victims unit #law and order svu #svu #sonny carisi #sonny carisi x reader #dominick carisi #sonny carisi x you #sonny carisi imagine

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itwasrealtome · 20 hours

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THIN ICE

Olivia Benson x fem! reader

⚠️ DO NOT READ IF THIS MIGHT TRIGGER YOU

ANGST | Olivia Benson x fem! detective reader | Masterlist

Summary : Detective Y/N Y/L/N, part of Olivia Benson’s Special Victims Unit, faces a life-threatening situation during a suspect’s arrest, chasing this one into an ultimate falls to his death. Injured but alive, Y/N finds herself in an hospital room, receiving stern words from Olivia about her reckless actions.

A/N : Hello my loves. I'm finally sharing this first Olivia X reader with you. I hope you like it. Please let me know what you think. There are a few people I can't identify in the taglist, I'm sorry.

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This afternoon, the streets seemed even more crowded than usual. The vehicles flooded the roads, coming from every corner and blocking the main way out.

Behind a queue of about ten of them, a police car came to a sudden halt. The alarm was on, and the blue and red flashing lights blinded anyone who looked in that direction.

But no one moved.

Not even the sound of a horn persuaded the citizens of New York to get out of the path.

Amanda’s grip on the wheel only tightened. She had never been able to understand the reason behind people’s insensitivity to this kind of thing. It was such an easy thing to understand. Besides, someone’s life often depended on it. Yet, there she was, turning furiously midway, her partner gasping in surprise, her shirt now stained with hot coffee.

— Dude, can’t you just warn before doing that kind of thing?

The blonde gave a brief glance to her passenger. She expected to find her glued to the door, her fingers clenched around the top handle, but she didn’t.

Y/N was desperately trying to absorb the contents of her cup on her worktop. The wipers provided with her order, finally finding their use.

While most people would have been annoyed about staining a piece of clothing, the young detective was not. She seemed much more upset about losing a few drops of her beverage. The former could still be replaced, but the latter was definitely needed.

— Sorry about your shirt.

— Yeah, well you owe me a coffee.

The driver’s smile only widened when she heard her partner muttering complaints. She knew her well enough to say that it had nothing to do with that slight accident. It was cute. Of course, it was. But Amanda could see through it. She knew it had nothing to do with the coffee. Sure, the days were long and their job involved finding stimulants to stay awake, but Y/N was never acting like that. Something was different. And who better to notice than someone who practically lived with her?

— Sure you’re okay?

— Rollins, it’s just a shirt. I think I can get over it.

Amanda gave her a knowing glance. She expected this kind of answer from the young officer. Everyone knew what kind of person she was.

Committed, she was always the first to arrive at the precinct and the last to leave. She was practically married to the job by now. And though Kat had trouble following orders, Y/N did not. She was the perfect partner. Amanda couldn’t remember a time when Y/N had lost control. But these days, everything seemed to fall apart.

It began with a couple of small comments, here and there, a bit too harsh coming from Y/N’s mouth. Next up, her silence during the team talk was a concerning factor for Amanda. If anyone always had something to add to the investigation, it was her. This ranged from a simple detail no one had noticed, to scientific or sociological facts. It was often complicated to keep the detective quiet, so her lack of involvement was bound to catch the eye. That and the fact the blonde had seen her leave the bunks two mornings in a row at the exact same time.

Sure, it was just the addition of minor details. But the older woman’s gut was not wrong, not about this. Something was wrong with her partner. And it had nothing to do with a simple lack of caffeine.

— Oh, don’t give me that kind of look.

— But you’re not telling me the truth, Y/N/N!

Y/N huffed quietly. At times in her life, she hated being around people whose job was to investigate. She cursed them all equally. She just couldn’t help herself the last few days. Her anger was aimed at a specific and unique person, but that person being in law enforcement themselves, it was almost overwhelming to go to work every day. Time seemed to run too slowly there. The only moments she enjoyed were those outside the building. The cold New York weather allowed her to clear her mind and take a deep breath. And she always had something to do, after all the city never slept.

—Like you don’t keep anything to yourself, huh?

Amanda faintly spluttered. Everyone knew she had had difficult times, but she wasn't the only one. And now that she was honest with herself, she knew she had made mistakes. One thing’s for sure, she did not want her partner to replicate these.

— I made some mistakes, most of them I don’t want you to repeat.

— I seriously doubt you did this one.

That was all she could get out of the young detective. Amanda knew it as she watched her turn toward the window. The mere reflection of her face gave her a glimpse of what she was really feeling inside, a sweet mixture of anger and bitterness. Whatever the problem was, it wasn't something they could fix with a drink. And this worried the blonde even more.

— Just promise me you won't do anything stupid.

These words captured the passenger's interest again. She arched an eyebrow at her partner, a smile forming at the corner of her lips. Knowing their duo’s dynamics, she had dozens of retorts on the tip of her tongue, all of them a little more mischievous than the last. Instead, she just shook her head gently. Amanda didn't have to know how upset she was about the whole thing. She didn’t deserve to worry so much. And Y/N certainly had no right to be such a burden to her partner.

— Like what? Jumping off a building? y/n chuckled at the blonde’s glare. Relax. I won’t do anything of that kind, I promise.

At that very moment, the young detective genuinely meant it. She had not gotten up with such an idea in mind. If jumping off a building was regarded as a very stupid gesture, she considered her routine more so.

It was in the way the precinct’s bunks were beginning to feel like home. And how she spent every second of her days with the badge on her waist. She had no idea when she had last stepped into her apartment for more than a shower. Her desk was overflowing with paperwork and books in which she always found a way to bury herself. It was much more than a way to distract herself. At all costs, she avoided raising her head, out of fear of meeting the gaze that froze her every time. The path she was on was, for that matter, significantly more dangerous than whatever stupid thing Amanda was thinking about.

But she could not say that to her.

To anyone, actually.

— Weren't we just called to make sure that this jerk wasn't prowling around the residence?

In any other context, Y/N would have felt like a fool. Her back nearly arched as she tried to make out what was going on in a street they weren't even close to yet. She may have lacked sleep and insight into her personal life, but her cop intuition never failed her.

— You'd be sure of that if you'd listened to a single word the captain said.

— Something’s wrong.

Amanda brought them to the next intersection before momentarily stopping the car. The sight over her partner’s shoulder sent a chill down her spine. Despite years of experience, she couldn’t help but feel a rush of adrenaline every time. The crowd of cops down the street certainly wasn’t helping. They were everywhere. Mostly hidden behind their vehicles. But their vests did not go unnoticed and neither did their weapons pointed at a specific target.

— Crap, I hate when you’re right about this stuff.

— Hum…what was that you were saying about our captain again? y/n faced her friend with a teasing smile on her face. She couldn’t help herself. Always listen to what sh–

The sudden acceleration of the vehicle silenced Y/N. She felt grateful once again that her belt was keeping her safe. No day went by without her being in some kind of danger, but she never thought she’d have to worry about dying while Amanda was behind the wheel.

— Would you please stop doing that? cried the younger detective, her hands still clutching the top handle. And since when do you drive so badly? Damn it.

— Guess now you’ll stop driving like a maniac if I let you get behind the wheel.

The door swung shut before she could react. She stepped out of the car herself and walked over to Amanda. A vest was tossed in her face before she could even think about opening her mouth. But anyone who thought she would have given up so easily was wrong.

— I do not drive like a maniac.

Her friend gave her a knowing look as she closed the trunk. Now was definitely not the time to have this kind of conversation, but Amanda was glad her partner hadn’t lost everything that made her the person she was.

She was relentless, both in her work and in her personal life. To be defeated by a suspect in an interrogation room was a rare occurrence. Within the profession, many officers wondered about her career choice. They could imagine her leaving the field to terrify judges in a courtroom. Perhaps because they were themselves scared to death to face her. Seeking victory in a debate with a woman like Y/N was a waste of time. She knew when she was wrong, and would always acknowledge it. Nevertheless, she also knew when she was right. And in those moments, Amanda was the first to grab a bag of popcorn.

— That you do.

The detective’s hands found the velcro on the vest from memory as she was too busy glowering at her friend. The protection weighed on her shoulders. It was almost enough to give her a reason to fall apart. That, and the weight of life that was beginning to take its toll on her.

Slightly defeated, she stomped over to Amanda to catch up with her. She knew the other detective was right. Her anger was evident in the way she drove. Since then, she was assigned the role of co-pilot. It was okay. But she loathed being deprived of her usual distraction. It was starting to loop in her mind. She needed a way out.

— Detective Rollins and Y/L/N, Special Victims Unit.

Amanda shoved her badge in the man’s direction, half-expecting him to tell her to piss off. He dominated the scene with his large stature and a rank evident to all. The rookies were following his orders and keeping their mouths shut. Something that obviously wouldn't work with Olivia Benson-trained agents. He didn't seem to mind, guiding the two detectives as close as possible to the scene. But then, the mere idea of having to send men into the building made him raise his chin in an authoritative, disapproving manner.

— Our only witness is trapped in this building, Rollins began the fight, finger pointing accusingly. I don't care how, I want that man in custody.

If one of them had looked up for even half a second, instead of fighting over who had the biggest –which was obviously Y/N in this situation– they might have been able to stop the young detective in her tracks. Amanda had had enough of listening to the man's whining as he waved his rank in her face. And her colleague, the one she was supposed to look after, was tired of simply waiting.

As discreet as a mouse in the middle of the city, Y/N circled the building and quickly found a fire escape. It wasn't exactly what she'd had in mind when the impulse to walk into the building first came to her, but she couldn't really say she'd given it much thought. With a bit of imagination, and a little help from a trash container, she managed to pull herself up to the top. Now, maybe that was the beginning of a crazy idea. She could already imagine her partner and captain scolding her - if, and only if, she managed to get out of there alive and intact.

At the top of the stairs leading to the third floor, the detective stopped dead in her tracks at the sound of their suspect's agitated voice.

Thomas Patterson, 45, suspected of having violently abused his wife before killing her, and of abusing his stepdaughter - Johanne Morales. The man's profile was clear: a respectful-looking husband and father-in-law, loved by all, carefree, but once the door was closed he turned into a control freak with urges he simply couldn't escape. He clearly hadn't planned to kill his wife. The autopsy had revealed signs of haste and mistakes that a man like Patterson would never have made if he had prepared properly. But he had made mistakes. His blows had been too violent, Johanne had interrupted him, and he'd had to finish the job quickly - too quickly, in order to hide his crime.

Y/N had studied his profile carefully. That's what she did best, that and avoiding her captain. She knew he was restless, nervous, ready to do anything to cover up his actions. The final piece of the puzzle was to eliminate the only witness, the one who would go all the way to court to see him take the fall. She had an advantage over him. She was there, so close to the goal, and he was unaware of her presence. At least, that was until Amanda's voice came through the radio.

— Y/L/N, you've got two seconds to get your butt over here.

The young detective could have banged her own head against the wall. Boy, had she been stupid on that one. She clenched her jaw, the urge to bite her fist growing cumbersome as she prayed Thomas hadn't heard. But he definitely did.

A front door opened slowly, the creaking hinges betraying the building’s condition. The man was probably armed, the sound of the guard echoing in the empty corridor. Each of his steps shook the wooden floor and sent a current of adrenalin through Y/N's veins. He was getting closer. She could smell him and his perfume. Him and her fear.

As soon as he was close enough to round the corner of the stairwell, the young detective took this as her cue. She charged at the man, her hands reaching for the 9mm held firmly in his rough, bleeding hands. In a split second, the magazine slid out and collapsed on the floor. She sent it tumbling down a few steps with her boot, before landing a knee into the suspect’s parts. This only confused him for the briefest moment. He was on her again before she could even flinch. Her body hit the wall with a heavy thud, the vest shielding her body from the heavy impact. However, the man’s hands found her neck and tightened their grip, pulling her head violently forward and then pushing it back, slamming it against the concrete wall.

He repeated the motion twice more, the detective’s pleas of pain provoking a feeling he himself could not begin to describe. Y/N wasn’t done with him yet. He clearly wanted to lash out at a woman and had a nasty habit of underestimating them all. Only, today wasn’t his lucky day. He was forced into the apartment where he had deliberately tied up the young Johanne. It was his turn to bang into something. The dresser barely tilted behind him, but the vase crashed hard against the top of his skull. He felt the water run down his face, the smell of freshly bought flowers wafting through the air.

Back in a corner, Johanne tried desperately to struggle out of her bonds, her words puffed out by the duct tape over her mouth. She could only witness the struggle between her back-up and her assailant. Watching as Y/N unloaded all her pent-up anger on the man who had dared to cause so much harm. In one smooth motion, Thomas grabbed the detective’s gun, a triumphant glint in his eyes. Hope was soon lost, his chances of getting out of there alive and free close to zero. His opponent was relentless and had no intention of letting him slip away. His only option, he realized, a flash of light reflecting off the window, was to drag the detective with him in his fall.

Outside, Amanda was still arguing with the man in charge of operations. He hadn’t given up and neither had she. Only when, as the argument continued to escalate, gunshots were heard, followed by the shattering of a window pane, did they come to an agreement. The plan didn’t even have time to take shape before two bodies flew out of the building.

First, the blonde saw the man she recognized as their suspect crash hard to the ground, the collision knocking him down instantly. Then came a tremendous thump and the shrill sound of a car alarm. Straight ahead of her, on one of the patrol cars, had landed Y/N. The height of the fall meant that the roof of the vehicle had been crushed and some of the windows smashed. That wasn't what Amanda was most worried about. Her partner, the one who'd promised her she wouldn't do anything stupid – like jumping off the third floor of a building, was sprawled motionless on the broken glass, blood on the back of her skull.

— Oh my God, Y/N, in one stride, she was as close as she could get to her friend. Call an ambulance. Now!

For once, the man made himself useful, radio in hand, as he asked for help. He now stood with one, maybe two, even three victims to deal with if the detective didn't make it. He could already imagine the damage it would do to his career. Besides, he knew Captain Benson very well and had no desire to mess with her.

Needless was his worry. The more Amanda studied her friend, the more she realized how lucky she’s been. Y/N was simply stunned, staring at the New York sky with an uncharacteristic intensity. She began to laugh, full-throated, heartily. It was probably the adrenaline pumping again. Tears joined the party, leaving funny marks on her bloody cheeks. Suddenly, she remembered.

— Johanne. She's alive. Up there. Y/N looked up at Amanda expectantly. She needs help.

***

Captain Olivia Benson had seen enough in her career not to let anxiety get the better of her. She had been beaten, kidnapped, almost died and dragged through the mud in front of an entire courtroom. She had reached a point where facing certain types of suspects no longer made her lose her footing.

But someone was bound to make her lose it.

Briskly, almost to the point of knocking herself off her feet, she made her way through the corridors of a hospital she knew all too well. The distinctive clatter of her heels against the floor blended perfectly with the incessant beeping and distant hubbub of such a place. She wasn't there to see a victim, as she often was. Her hasty and agitated demeanor only aroused the suspicions of the medical staff who had crossed paths with her so many times. It wasn't just a professional matter.

It hadn't been for a long time.

When Olivia reached room 212, she didn't spare a moment's hesitation. One of her youngest detectives and latest recruit was sitting wisely on the edge of the bed, her legs wriggling in the air like a child's. A nurse was visibly busy behind her, dropping more and more glass flakes into her tray as she went. She leaned against the doorframe, arms folded tightly against her chest, eyes focused on the sight that made her stomach hurt in spite of herself.

She watched as Y/N's chest, covered in dried blood, continued to pulsate with every breath, as hematomas were already starting to spread across her face and torso, and as her plain face twisted in pain as soon as the nurse reached for another piece of glass. Just a few days ago, her first instinct would have been to rush to her protégé’s side and calm the agony she knew to be growing in her heart. But she'd vowed to keep her distance and stay in her current position: Captain Benson, unit chief.

All too quickly for the young detective's liking, the nurse finished her treatment and left the two law enforcement agents behind. Olivia had had the decency to wait until the door was closed before lashing out at her, which didn't stop Y/N from rolling her eyes. She'd already imagined this conversation - or rather, monologue - and knew she wouldn't come out of it unscathed. She'd probably lose her badge. No matter, she'd already lost her heart.

— Have you completely lost your mind? You could’ve been killed.

This was the cue for a lengthy sermon that she couldn't escape. The words left Olivia's mouth at a speed that seemed unbearable. She paced back and forth, her arms stretching out in waves of frustration and indignation, her cheeks rosy with emotion. She'd done some stupid things herself when she was just a rookie, but throwing herself off the third floor of a building had never been on the list.

— Are you done? y/n arched an eyebrow as Olivia finally paused. I saved a life today. While Amanda and that jerk were fighting over who had the biggest, which apparently I did.

— No, you refused to follow orders. Not only did you put yourself in danger, you put everyone's lives in danger. Heaven help us again that you were wearing your vest, otherwise it could have been a lot worse.

— I don't know why you care so much, you're just my boss!

Although these words were intended to hurt Olivia, it was Y/N who took the brunt of the blow. It was one thing to know that their relationship had been reduced to this, but it was quite another to admit it in person. The brunette was no longer entitled to worry so much, to ask her to watch out and send her a text as soon as she got home. Whatever had been was no more.

— Right, Olivia broke into an almost scoffing snort. Let me tell you, as your captain, that you won't be leaving the precinct for a long time.

— You’re benching me? Liv, you can’t do this!

— What you did was completely irresponsible. You don't want to follow orders, fine. But you're not leaving this desk without my permission.

The young detective had been holding her breath for a long time– far too long. She'd spent days avoiding conflict, lamenting in her corner, mourning the end of a story she'd thought would last forever. It wasn't just about what had just happened, it was something else, something more personal. She felt as if Olivia had no idea how to express her concern, as if her only option was to play the role of the big bad boss. But she was tired of hiding, of running away, of avoiding confrontation.

— Breaking my heart wasn't enough for you, uh? She rose from the bed, hastily putting on her jacket. If you want me to leave the squad, just say so.

For the first time, she faced her head-on. Head held high, eyebrows furrowed in frustration, ready to stand on tiptoe if that would help reach the brunette's height. She faced those brown pearls with all the courage she had left, her own eyes misty with tears she'd never let flow. This was it, so close yet so far, two souls who knew each other becoming strangers once again.

Olivia reached out with a last ounce of regret, brushing away a tear that had escaped down the young detective's cheek with the tip of her thumb. Her heart urged her to do more, to embrace this bruised woman, to bring her all the comfort she needed. She wanted to take Y/N home, wrap her in one of her shirts, tell her how much she loved her. In another life, where they were just two soul mates, where Olivia didn't have to worry about repercussions, whatever they might be. This was where she could find comfort.

— Go home. Take a few days. Get some rest. We'll talk about it when you get back.

The New Yorker had rarely seen a face shattered in a matter of seconds. Her words had urged Y/N to free herself from her hold, her head heavy and spinning from all the hassle and concussion she'd picked up from the blows. Her shoulder nudged her superior's as she walked by, a gesture of no little importance. She did not look back once to meet her former lover's gaze again.

Maybe she should have.

Maybe she would have seen the same love, the same tears, that Olivia saw in her eyes.

Maybe the ice wasn't so thin after all.

•••

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#olivia benson x reader #law and order svu #oneshot #angst #amanda rollins x reader #olivia benson

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nophunleague · 1 year

Text

Rafael Barba Appears at the 16th Precinct Again

Rafael Barba x gn!reader

warnings: angst, grudge holding.

You all but crash into the conference room at the 16th, anxious to tell the squad that Mickey Davis had gotten some hot shot attorney, that you had heard courthouse gossip about it. The door swings open and you're met by Kat, Fin, Rollins, and Rafael.

His green eyes almost darken at the sight of you. He's not shocked that you're here, it's just the shock of not having seen you in years that strikes him. Taking in the crowd in the room you barely blink before spitting out at Rafael, "oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, you just look like someone I used to know," before spinning on your heel and storming back out into the squad room. You don't even look up at Liv and the deputy chief as they pass you. Amanda follows after you after Rafael is pulled into Liv's office by the Captain and Deputy Chief Garland. You're sat at your desk, head up in a thousand yard stare.

"Well I think you definitely hurt his feelings, if that's what you were going for," you're broken from your gaze by her speech and you look up to her from your seated position.

"After what he put me through I think what I said was fairly tame."

"You might be right about that, but maybe think about what he's been through too. He nearly threw his entire career away and had to leave you in the process," she tries to reason with you but your eyes narrow as she keeps talking.

"He didn't have to leave me and he should have talked to me first. I showed up to work one day and he was gone. The man I loved left me without a single word. It felt like my life fell apart," you seethe. Amanda looks over your shoulder to see Rafael standing behind you.

"That's very mature of you," she says before walking away, he walks up behind you and gently lays a hand on your shoulder. But you hadn't notice him yet so as he makes contact with your body you jump to face him, hand on your holstered weapon.

"Woah," he throws his hands up, "its just me," you scoff but remove your hand from your hip.

"Just you? Just you?" You start to pace back and forth in front of him, searching for the words to tell him off. But deep down you're glad to see him, he looks healthy, the beard he's grown compliments him.

"We should talk."

"Oh you want to talk now? But you didn't want to talk four years ago when you left," you all but shriek, your voice sparking the attention of those in the precinct. "You pulled the plug on someone's baby, were charged with murder, acquitted, and then you left me. And you didn't talk to me about any of it. We were supposed to be together and you left me out of it," your voice continues to raise as you takes steps closer to him, ending up in his face. His eyes search yours trying to find the person who he had once loved, but all he find is someone who has undoubtedly been incredibly hurt by his actions. The tears are threatening to spill from you eyes but you stay strong. Your raised voice causes Liv to step outside of her office.

"Both of you, take it outside. Now," you glance between Rafael and Liv before turning on your heel and storming out with Rafael following close behind. You meet again in the elevator where this time you stay silent.

"I didn't know how to tell you I was leaving, so I just left," he says quietly. "It wasn't the right thing to do, you didn't deserve that, but I needed to leave here. I was suffocating," the both of you stare at the elevator doors, not daring to look at one another. You reach up and hit the elevator switch, stopping the elevator in its descent.

"No, I didn't deserve that," a tear escapes your left eye at last, but you don't wipe it away. "You threw me away like I meant nothing to you. I would have went with you if you had just talked to me."

"You meant everything to me. I just couldn't let you throw your NYPD career away to come with me on the campaign trail. You were just getting to the point of being on the precipice of making sergeant," his eyes are now glued to the side of you head while you keep looking at the doors. You take a second to think about what you're going to say before raising your voice and making direct eye contact.

"Yeah well I failed the sergeant's exam twice since you left so I'll only ever be a detective now," Rafael can feel the holes your eyes are burning in him, his breath kicks up and he's uncharacteristically speechless for a moment. You huff and flip the elevator switch again allowing it to continue its descent. The doors open on the ground level of the 16th and you start to take a step out when he speaks.

"The day I did what I did to Baby Drew I was meant to pick up a ring. An engagement ring," he hangs his head, not looking at you.

"Oh so one day you were thinking about getting married and then next you were throwing everything we had together away? I don't know why you came back, but I don't think there's any fixing this. Not right now anyway," you shake your head as a few more tears fall.

"Liv and Fin called me," he admits.

"Oh even better, you didn't even come back for me. Tell Liv that I'll be back in a little bit," you storm out of the precinct. Rafael runs a hand through his hair as a tear now escapes one of his eyes. He composes himself quickly then presses the floor number of the squad room to go back up.

"I really fucked that up," he says to himself.

#law and order svu #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba #svu #svu imagine #rafael barba imagine #raul esparza #special victims unit

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storiesofsvu · 1 year

Text

A Misunderstanding

Amanda Rollins x reader no real warnings, just some jealousy and Amanda over thinking.

Amanda had heart eyes for you from the moment you popped up in the squad room, you were an expert in your field, consulting with the squad and she could barely tear her gaze away from you while you explained your thoughts on the case. You were like her own personal ray of sunshine in an otherwise very dull and dark world of heinous crimes, the sparkle behind your eyes, the slight upcurve of your lips whenever you got the nod of approval from someone, it was enough to make her completely forget about where she was. She was absolutely captivated by you, butterflies in her stomach, her heart rate picking up every time you walked into the room, she found herself suggesting to reach out to you on more cases as time went on.

She simply couldn’t resist you.

First you only came when called, when they needed your expertise on a case or when they knew you’d get through to a witness or victim better than any of them. You’d come in a little rushed, pulled from whatever else was going on in your day, quickly scanning through documents and the case board while the squad got you up to speed. Amanda was amazed at just how quickly you could absorb the information, letting it settle in your brain before flashing Olivia a glittering smile and asking her where you were needed.

Then one day you lingered in Olivia’s office, the door shut behind you as the two of you chatted, laughing together, bright smiles on your faces and Amanda couldn’t help the heavy feeling in her gut. While you were friendly with the whole squad, you were friendlier with Olivia, more comfortable around her, your guard was down and when you went to leave that day it almost looked like the two of you were about to hug.

The next week you popped by unannounced. It was a quiet day in the squad room, paperwork, catching up on files and otherwise dicking around to kill time. It was clear you hadn’t come from work, you were much more casual, a cute pair of jean shorts and a loose tee hanging from your frame as you walked into the room, bright smile on your face. Amanda caught your eye first and she could have sworn your smile got brighter when she did,

“Brought your fave.” You greeted, dropping a coffee mug onto her desk with a wink, she barely got a thank you out before you were dropping a box of baked goods onto Fin’s desk, “and don’t worry, I didn’t forget about the rest of you, or that Fin gets first dibs.”

You flashed them a wicked smile before you disappeared into Olivia’s office, the door half shut behind you. Amanda watched for a moment as this time, you did greet each other with a hug before you settled across the desk from her, pulling take out boxes from the bag you’d come in with. She scowled at first, wondering what it was about Olivia that was so enticing, what the older woman had that she didn’t. Then she frowned over the obvious age gap, wondering how Olivia made peace with the fact that you were so much younger than her, even if this was just in the flirtation stage she never pegged Liv for the type. The moment the coffee hit her tongue though, all was forgotten. You not only had gotten her exact favourite flavour, you’d picked it up from her personal favourite, mom and pop owned coffee shop, the place that made it a million times better than any chain ever could.

The next time she saw you was when you were called in for a consult, it was clear you were a little under the weather, your voice hoarse when you spoke, the bags under your eyes making it obvious you hadn’t been getting enough sleep, a thick sweater wrapped around your body while you worked. She wanted to take you home, tuck you into the couch with the fuzziest blanket and let you nap, getting the best snuggles from Frannie while she made chicken noodle soup for you to feel better. Instead after you finished talking with a victim, Olivia was passing off a steaming mug of tea, urging that it was completely okay for you to take off early, you needed the rest and she wanted to make sure you got better fast. While she watched it was more than apparent that the two of you were comfortable around each other, that you’d spent time together outside of work. There were glances, a shoulder squeeze, small smiles that you communicated through rather than words and it made her see green. She still wasn’t sure if it went both ways, there was something in the way you looked at Olivia, like she was your guiding light, your guardian angel, someone you respected and cared about, yet there was something in the air that made Amanda feel like you were a little lovestruck puppy. Occasionally she’d catch Liv brushing you off, or shutting down a theory of yours on a case and even though it was only a flash of a moment, a look of dejection would cross your face. It made her wonder, digging herself deeper into this hole in her brain, deeper into her infatuation with you, that if Olivia didn’t want you, she was ready and willing and right in front of you. That she would treat you a million times better than the brunette could even dream of.

A few weeks later, she’d been having a rough go, needing some time alone to decompress from the week, have a couple of drinks and divulge into some deep fried food to distract her. Olivia had offered to pick up Jesse from daycare, she was long overdue a playdate with Noah anyways and Amanda was grateful as ever to the other woman, not having to call the nanny at the last minute. Feeling refreshed and destressed she swung by Olivia’s apartment, knocking gently on the door in case either of the kids had happened to fall asleep early. As soon as the door swung open the smile fell from her face, her brows furrowing at the sight of you inside Olivia’s apartment.

“Detective Rollins,” You greeted, a small smile on your cheeks, a little out of breath, “oh my gosh this makes so much sense, I should’ve realized you were Jesse’s mom.”

“What… are you doing here?” She asked, realizing a little too late that she was potentially pushing the boundaries of being offensive, glancing around the apartment behind you.

“Oh, I swung by to see Liv, drop off a couple of things, Noah suckered me into staying for a few rounds of snakes and ladders.” You shrugged, stepping back to let her into the apartment.

“Didn’t realize you’d met Noah.” She muttered half under her breath, letting the door swing shut behind her, “where is Liv?”

“She had to run out, something about work.” You let out a huff of a laugh, brushing your hair off your face, “I hope it’s okay she left the kids with me.” You nearly winced, watching the way she glanced through the apartment, “I watch Noah pretty regularly when the nanny’s not available or it’s super last minute. I live around the corner so it’s easier for her to call me in the middle of the night when a case breaks.” She followed you down the hallway to the living room, “we played some games, did a bunch of reading, put together some puzzles and had dinner.” You turned back to her with a small smile, “grilled cheese, tomato soup and extra veggies on the side. Jesse’s a real broccoli fiend.” You giggled and Amanda felt her heart swell at the sound, this was bad, very bad, there was no way she could be this into someone who was this wrapped up in someone else’s life.

“I didn’t know you and Liv were so close.” She commented and you chuckled.

“Well, I mean—”

You were instantly cut off when Noah and Jesse glanced up from the television, shrieks of glee echoing through the apartment, “Auntie Amanda!”

“Mommy!”

They both raced toward you, Jesse launching up into her arms while Noah settled for a tight half hug before wrapping around you and you scooped him up, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.

“You have fun tonight?” You asked.

“Yeah.” He replied with a yawn, “even if Jesse did beat me at board games.”

“Well she is a real quick thinker, isn’t she.” You replied with a smile, tickling at her side briefly and she let out an adorable giggle. Noah yawned again, starting to bury his head into the crook of your neck and you chuckled, leaving a kiss on the top of his head before putting him down on his feet, “okay mister, you’re tired, time for pj’s and teeth brushed.”

“And bedtime stories?”

“And bedtime stories.” You assured him.

“Are you sleeping over tonight?” He asked and you shrugged.

“Dunno. I’ll have to talk to your mom.”

Amanda felt the pit lurch in her stomach as Jesse scrambled out of her arms to grab her things and say goodbye to Noah before he disappeared down the hallway.

“She’s a real gem.” You commented, pulling her back to reality, “you know, if you ever need a last minute sitter, just let me know, I’d be happy to help out.”

“Yeah.” She managed a small smile, “thanks.”

Amanda had trouble sleeping that night, instead of falling asleep to the thoughts of taking you out for dinners, curling up on the couch together, fantasizing about the love the two of you could have, she kept thinking about you in Olivia’s bed. Every time she closed her eyes she felt sick to her stomach, eventually having to get up and turn on some mindless reality television to attempt to distract her.

A week later she was out walking Frannie, wandering the streets of Manhattan while the dog got to explore the city. Things had been rather quiet at work recently, no surprise pop ups or guests in the squad room and while that did bum her out a bit, it had at least helped her stop thinking about you and Olivia. If she didn’t see the two of you together she could separate you, calm her jealousy down a little bit and only catch herself daydreaming about you instead. This crush was driving her insane and she knew it. She was waiting at a street corner, wondering if she should just call you to babysit Jesse and then find some excuse to come home early when movement in the window of a restaurant across the street caught her attention.

It was a nice Italian place; she’d been on a couple of dates there and knew both how extensive and pricey the menu was. Yet, right there at a table for two right against the glass were you and Olivia, warm smiles on your faces, bottle of fancy red wine sitting between the two of you. She watched as the server came by to leave the check and you quickly snagged it from Olivia’s hands, passing off your credit card and Liv didn’t seem to have a care in the world that you were footing the bill. Luckily before she could get too pissed, Frannie barked, tugging her in the opposite direction and she decided it was best to follow her lead instead.

If you had asked, she would say she wasn’t sure how much time had passed since she’d seen you, but she knew it had been exactly seventeen days. Seventeen days that she’d see Olivia smiling at her phone and wonder if it was you texting her, seventeen days of watching Liv leave work early, or come in a little late, seventeen days of Liv being able to have a drink or grab a bite after work because someone was watching Noah and she didn’t need to worry about paying overtime.

So on day eighteen when you paced through the squad room straight into Olivia’s office she couldn’t help but eavesdrop. You had dry cleaning in one hand that you draped over the back of a chair as you said something about two different flavours of cupcakes and a special gluten free dessert for Noah’s bake sale, the bag in your other hand coming to sit on the same chair. Olivia barely looked up from her work, muttering a quick thanks before asking if you could pick up Noah after a ballet class that night. You replied with an enthusiastic ‘of course’ before she gestured to the computer in front of her and you let out a breath of a laugh, nodding and said you’d see her after dinner and quickly swung out of her office. Though you did pause briefly to flash Amanda a glittering smile, the sparkle in your eye making her heart leap in her chest.

She waited until the elevator doors slid shut and you vanished from the precinct before pushing back her chair. As much as she knew she shouldn’t stick her nose in other people’s business, she couldn’t handle it anymore, she had to say something. She quickly knocked on Olivia’s office door, swinging it shut behind her.

“Got a minute?”

“Yeah, what’s up Rollins?” She glanced up from her work, sliding her glasses off as she folded her arms on her desk.

“You are seriously out of line. You’ve got her running your errands now? Picking up dry cleaning, Liv, come on it’s getting ridiculous.”

“What?” She laughed, leaning back in her chair and that only egged Amanda on even further, letting out a frustrated groan.

“She likes you, so much, and you’re sitting there taking advantage of it! I mean, dropping off coffee when she’s coming in to consult is fine, but coming in on days off with food, dropping everything to babysit Noah last minute, or in the middle of the night? Not to mention those cupcakes look homemade, it’s like she’ll do anything for you and you barely say thank you.”

“Amanda…” She laughed again, “I paid her, for all of the above and she loves spending time with Noah.”

“That really doesn’t make things better! Why is she footing the bill at fancy restaurants when your salary is clearly more than hers, and don’t even get me started on the fact that she’s like, twenty years younger than you.”

Olivia’s head tilted, her brow furrowing as she started to realize what the blonde was getting at, a small smirk on her lips before she spoke, “I’m starting to think you’ve got the wrong idea about this.”

“Oh? What?” She scoffed, “you’re not using her and this is actually what a healthy relationship looks like?”

“I’m not in a relationship or even considering having one with her. Trust me.”

“What’d you mean, why?” It was Amanda’s turn to be confused, she could feel her heart starting to hammer in her chest.

“Well for starters… she’s twenty years younger than me.” Liv chuckled, “secondly, she’s my goddaughter.”

“Oh god.” Amanda felt her cheeks flushing as she dropped her face into her hands, wishing she could shrink into a little ball to never be seen again.

“But I have a feeling this is more than just you wanting to call me out about inappropriate relationships.” She chuckled, grinning as the younger woman dropped into the empty chair. “Someone’s jealous.”

“I—” Amanda shot her a glare before sighing, “yeah, okay. I just… you guys spend so much time together, you’re so comfortable with each other and now that makes more sense. It just seems like she’d do anything for you.”

“And that drove you a little wild because you would do anything for her.”

“Oh it’s not that—”

“Amanda, please. I’ve seen the way you look at her, you’re all heart eyes with your head in the clouds.” She teased, “and for what it’s worth, she helps out so much because I picked her up from school every day when she was a kid. She’s just trying to pay it back now that she’s the one that has more free time. And she does get paid for it.”

“Sorry…” Amanda mumbled, the embarrassment returning to flood through her body.

“How about instead of whining about it in my office like a love sick teenager you go tell her how you feel, ask her to dinner?”

“What?” Her head shot up, eyes wide as her heart hammered in her chest and Olivia laughed, “I can’t! I mean, there’s no way she’d say yes.”

“You’re being ridiculous.” Olivia grinned, “she won’t shut up about how much she likes you. So go,” she waved her off, “just treat her right or you’ll hear from me.”

You were standing in front of the open fridge in your kitchen, trying to figure out what you could scrape up for dinner when there was a knock on your apartment door. Your head tilted in the direction of the sound, wondering who would be paying a visit as you swung the fridge door shut and padded down the hallway.

“Amanda?” You greeted, flashing her a smile once the confusion wore off, “you need something?”

“I, uh… sorry. I hope I’m not interrupting.”

“No, not at all.” You laughed softly, stepping back from the door to let her into the apartment, “I was just trying to decide on dinner but my fridge is pretty bare.”

“Oh! You know, I think I might have something to help with that.”

“Yet you’re empty handed?” You raised a brow, the corner of your mouth curving up.

“We could go out.” She stuttered slightly, shrugging, “I mean, god…this is so awkward.” She laughed, feeling the heat creeping into her cheeks as your stomach started doing flips, wondering if you were reading the situation wrong or not. “Would you.. like to go for dinner? With me?”

“I would love to.” Your face burst into a grin, “like, right now?”

“Uh, yeah.” She giggled, “I think if I bailed now Liv might kill me.”

“Oh please don’t tell me she gave you some kind of lecture or warning.” You groaned, “I honestly don’t know if it’s the cop thing or the godmother thing, but she’s always been a little overprotective.”

“She just worries, and I’m sure she wants what’s best for you.”

“And if that happens to be you?” You boldly stepped toward her with a soft smile and Amanda felt the blush creeping up her cheeks.

“I’m uh… not sure.” She laughed awkwardly, pulling another one from you.

“It’s alright.” You leant in, your perfume invading her senses as you squeezed at her hand and pressed a feather light kiss to her cheek, “you’ve already got the seal of approval.”

“Really?”

“Of course.” Turning from her for a moment you grabbed your jacket and scooped up your keys, “how do you feel about Thai?”

With a wicked grin that made Amanda’s heart beat faster, you grabbed her hand, fingers lacing between hers as you locked the apartment door and lead her to the elevator.

Olivia smiled brightly the next time you showed up at the precinct, beelining directly for Amanda’s desk, placing down a cup of coffee and a takeout container as you perched on the edge of her desk. It was small, the affection going unnoticed by anyone else in the room, but there was no doubt that both of you were completely infatuated with each other. Neither of you able to control the smiles on your cheeks, the small laughter as you playfully teased each other. When Amanda had to get back to work you quickly glanced around the squad room before sneaking a quick kiss, waving to Olivia through the window before you left the detective to do her work.

As it turned out, all you had needed was a little nudge from Olivia to make what happened to be one of the best decisions of your life. You quickly became part of Amanda’s daily routine, whether it was getting ready together in the morning, a quick coffee or lunch break during the day or dinner out in the city. It didn’t take very long until you were the one picking up Jesse, having dinner ready and waiting on the table when Amanda got home from work, something that she absolutely loved and wouldn’t have any other way.

Getting to come home to her girls on a daily basis made her happier than she had ever been before, she knew just how loved she was and just how much you loved her in return. A little misunderstanding had lead to absolute perfection.

________________

@mickey-gomez @hbkpop @bisexualcrowley @red1culous @imlike-so-gaydude @altsvu @lesbianspacecowboy @whispered-tear-drops @wannabe-fic-reader @gaylorrds @whimsicallymad @beccabarba @screenee @mysticfalls01 @alexbllake @infernumlilith @australiancarisi @wandas-wife @emskisworld @disn3y7 @samwithnoplan @multifandomlesbianic @sia2raw @dxtery @anlin2058 @swimmingstudentchaos891 @itisdoctortoyousir @softgamerking @summergeezburr @alexxavicry @daddy-heather-dunbar @evilregal2002 @7thavenger @m00nkn1ghts @sapphicprentiss @geekyandgay98 @onmykneesformarvel @aws-l @akingcalledkris @desperate-gay @kalixxh @kmc1989 @irishavengersassemble

#amanda rollins #amanda rollins x reader #law and order svu #svu #law and order #law and order special victims unit

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sematarygirls · 16 days

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godddd please write more about jealous amanda i need her to know she can’t get our man bc he’s pussy whipped and in lurv ❤️😋☺️😭

your wish is my command 😏🤭 (small continuation of this ask)

౨ৎ

"i'll see you later," you said, giving sonny a quick peck on the cheek before turning to the rest of the squad. "it was lovely to meet you all. i hope to see you again soon," you smiled warmly.

you had hung around for a couple hours but ultimately, needed to get home. you had a few things to straighten out for work and around the house, and you'd also really wanted some wind down time to yourself to destress for a bit before bed.

"see you around," finn smiled, giving you a nod, like you had passed some test of sorts. it made you feel sort of accomplished. finn was an interesting guy, and you were flattered to be someone he considered alright in his book.

"drive safe," olivia told you, giving you a warm smile.

"yeah, have a nice night," amanda mumbled reluctantly, her tone insincere.

"i love you," he called, watching as you left. you shook your head, grinning and blowing him a kiss. he pretended to catch it and press it to his heart. if you weren't already halfway out the door, you would have rolled your eyes and lovingly called him a dork. "she's great, isn't she, guys?" he turned back, a proud smile on his face.

"i don't know how on earth you bagged her, carisi, but you better not mess up," finn laughed, shaking his head in disbelief.

"oh, don't listen to him," olivia laughed. "you two are adorable together"

"aw, come on," he grinned, waving them off, but he couldn't help the blush that crept up onto his cheeks.

"what do you think, rollins?" he asked. she had been abnormally quiet all night, and he was dying to know what she was thinking.

"she's alright," amanda shrugged. she had that tense posture and tone of voice she always had when she was holding something back.

"well, i think it's time to get home to noah," olivia said, standing from the barstool and placing some money on the bar.

"yeah, i'm gonna call it a night too," finn follow suit, both of them clearly sensing the tension.

"goodnight," amanda called, glancing over, waving goodbye at them. they both waved back, heading for the door quickly, wanting to put as much distance between them and the impending argument as possible.

olivia had her fair share of arguments with stabler in her time. she knew exactly how heated and personal they could become, and finn, he just didn't want to have to sit there awkwardly. the fighting would make his beer taste bad— or so he would say.

"yeah, goodnight," sonny said, but his voice was quiet as he continued to stare at amanda with furrowed brows. "cmon, rollins," he pried, sitting down next to her. "i know when you're not tellin' me the truth"

"listen, carisi," she sighed, her finger tracing the rim of her glass. "i don't want to hurt your feelings, alright?"

"hurt my feelings?" he asked, feeling extremely confused. he felt like the introduction went well. was there something that he had missed?

"i just don't think she's good enough for you," she finally said, looking over to meet his eyes.

"not good enough for me?" he almost couldn't believe what he was hearing. "if anything, i'm the one that's not good enough for her!" his tone wasn't angry or defensive, just confused, as if he had never even considered the thought that he was too good for you.

"i'm just saying-" she paused, trying to find the words without coming across as jealous as she felt. "she doesn't understand the job and its demands. she won't understand you."

"amanda," sonny said, his voice low and serious. "you're my partner, and i respect your opinion more than anyone else's, but you're wrong."

"carisi-"

"no," he stopped her, his tone firm but not unkind. "if it's her understanding me that's your concern, i can assure you, she gets me like no one else. no one else has ever made me feel so seen and loved before. she may not always understand my job or my stressful law classes, but she listens, and she tries to understand, and that's what's important to me. i wanted you all to meet her because i love her, and you guys have grown to mean a lot to me. i would love for you to like her and be something friend adjacent, but i'm not going to lose sleep over it if you don't approve," he said, leaving no room for discussion.

amanda stared at him, opening her mouth to say something back, but she couldn't think of anything. she thought she could express her disapproval, and he would accept it. what she didn't expect was for him to come to your defense like that.

he really loved you, and there was nothing she could do about it.

#🎀#idk how to feel about this #its pretty short #i'm not sure how amanda would be when she's jealous #but I tried #i hope it was okay enough 🙏#soleil's asks <3 #answered !#sol and anon ☀️#sonny carisi #sonny carisi x reader #dominick carisi jr x reader #dominick carisi jr #law and order svu #law and order special victims unit #svu #l&o svu

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