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lazypeachsoul · 3 years

Text

I wouldn't want to spend a minute lovin' anybody else.

Warnings: this fic has some sad moments and mentions of the blip. also kind of AU because I'm completely ignoring Natasha's canon end.

Word count: 4,2k (i got very carried away with this fic)

Summary: · Meeting the right person at the wrong time can be life changing when it doesn’t work out the way we desire. But if it's meant to be it will always happen, right?

A/N: This is my fic for the "Women of Marvel xReader Exchange" created by @marvelxreaderfanfictionfest . It was created for @im-holding-ontoyou and I hope you like it! gif by @natasharomanovgifs 🌼 ALSO; i haven't watched Black Widow yet so I'm sorry if something in this fic doesn't fit the new info we got about natasha.

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New York, 2015.

When you received the call from one of your bosses that you had a new case you would have never imagined how big that case would turn out to be.

You had been working for one of the most important law firms in New York for a year now, and you were getting kind of used to reading cases that would be narrated in the papers for months. Rich and entitled men, big divorces were they fight over who gets the yacht, one or two murder cases... if it revolved around the powerful people of New York city, your firm would get it.

When you got to the debriefing and were told that Tony Stark, one of the firm's most important clients, asked your team for assistance in the creation of some legislation with the newly created “Advanced Threat Containment Unit” you were more than surprised.

The events that the Avengers had caused (or saved us from, there were different opinions going around) in the small country of Sokovia were known all around the and it was only time before the most powerful officials asked for the regulation of ‘superhero activity’.

You weren’t important enough to actually attend the meetings that took place with the government, seeing as you had only passed your bar exam a little over a year prior, but you were deemed cheerful and nice enough to act as a nexus between the firm and the client.

For months you spent your days talking to Tony Stark and other members of The Avengers trying to explain what was being talked about. The first few meetings were a disaster, seeing as the mood was somber for the lives lost and nobody really understood your legal jargon. But slowly you started to transform your language and really tried to make the meetings as easy as possible for everyone present.

But who were you kidding, they really didn’t care about the meetings or the silly attorney being sent to explain something that was way above their paycheck. Well, at least Stark was gracious enough to set a coffee station with some pastries for the meeting. You were pouring the hot liquid into your to-go cup when your hand jerked and the hot liquid splashed your hand.

You could feel the sting of the burn but avoided further sudden movements trying not to make it worse. Before you could reach for a napkin to clean up the mess you made, a more dexterous and manicured hand reached for them and exchanged the hot cup in your hand for the bunch of papers.

“Careful, Stark always serves boiling coffee. I think it’s to mask that it’s not the best quality.”

You lifted your gaze from your hand and found a pair of deep green eyes gazing back. You would have thought that spending numerous meetings in the company of superheroes would make you less susceptible to their powerful auras, but being this close to Natasha Romanoff made your heart beat a bit faster.

“Yeah, I found out the hard way.” You joked, lifting your hand a bit. “You would guess one of the richest people in the world would actually serve good coffee...”

Seeing her crack a smile made you feel less tense. Sometimes you forget they are still normal people. Normal people who could kill you with their bare hands and had superhuman powers. She placed your cup on the food table, apparently not bothered by how hot it must have been, and pushed her hand in your direction.

“I’m Natasha Romanoff.” You wrapped your hand around hers and shook it, biting your tongue trying not to tell her of course you knew her name. “Sorry I didn’t introduce myself in earlier meetings, we were all trying to come to terms with what had happened.”

“No worries, I can only imagine how hard it must have been for all of you.” You nodded and tried to show her sympathy, trying to avoid thinking about all the lives affected by the fight. “Oh sorry, I’m-”

Natasha quickly cut you off, speaking your name before you could even say it. You could feel your cheeks get warmer at the idea that they actually knew who you were, and she probably could sense your mood change because she quickly explained.

“I know who you are, you send us at least two emails a week about these meetings and FRIDAY always announces you before you arrive.”

“Who announces me?” You asked curiously at the mention of a name you recognized.

“FRIDAY. It’s the name of Stark’s AI technology. It works all around the tower and it’s there to make life easier for everyone.” She explained pointing around at the speakers strategically placed around the room.

“Oh, I get emails from Friday sometimes. Most of them are asking me to translate or explain something about the debriefing because Mr.Stark is not interested in legal terms.” Both you and Natasha laughed at the thought.

But she quickly recomposed and tried to look serious again when she heard her teammates coming in to get ready for the meeting.

“I wanted to ask you about that. Do you think we could schedule a meeting so that you could explain some things about the legislation of the A.T.C.U.?” She spoke lower than she had when the two of you were alone and you wondered why she didn’t want her colleagues to know about the meeting.

“Ye-Yeah, of course I can.” You were confused but thought it would be in your best interest, and the firm’s, to say yes to the proposal. And a meeting with a very attractive and definitely interesting woman was not something that happened constantly for you.

“Great, thank you.” She smiled warmly and squeezed your hand that you hadn’t even realized was still wrapped around hers from the introduction. “I can promise you better coffee.”

You could only hum in response, still trying to piece together what she might want from the meeting. But your thoughts were quickly cut off when Stark entered the room and you moved to start the reunion.

During the entire meeting you could feel the dull pain in your hand from the scorching coffee and the feeling of a pair of green eyes watching your every move.

Vienna, 2016.

The situation had only gone downhill from the Battle of Sokovia. The public’s opinion on the Avengers was at an all-time-low and that made terrorist groups bold. They knew that if they struck and caused enough chaos, the blame would fall on the good guys that tried to stop them.

The only thing that seemed to be a stable thing in your life was Natasha. Well, as stable as dating a superhero might be. She was busy a lot, but you understood the importance of her job and you were quite busy too gaining importance within the law firm.

And even if sometimes terrorists and criminals got in the way you still found a moment to spend together, wrapped around each other without having to think about how messed up life was.

You thought Lagos was the blow that would make everything tumble, the Sokovia accords were unveiled and it broke the Avengers, and your girlfriend. You could feel how torn she was at her decision of some of her friends to oppose the signing and go on the run, and her own decision to subordinate to the United Nations mandate. But you realized how small that had been when king T’Chaka was killed at the UN.

You had been at the UN as part of the USA legal team that participated in the writing and monitoring of the accords. Your participation in the negotiations almost broke your relationship but you were able to recover once you explained your position and Natasha actually came to an understanding of it.

Natasha was also in Vienna when everything went down, you hadn’t managed to properly see her because she was one of the signers and they sat at the assembly while other guests sat at the amphitheater watching the retransmission.

You hadn’t been able to properly see her all day, seeing as she took a detour before flying to Austria. You were only able to communicate through texts where you tried to make the situation more comfortable for her and she promised a peaceful european trip to celebrate the signing.

When the bomb went off and all hell broke loose the first thing you tried to do was look for her, she was at the epicenter of the explosion and you just wanted to see if she was okay. You saw her from afar when you were being pushed to the outside of the building while they swiped the perimeter.

She sat with T’Challa before he jumped from the bench and stomped away. Natasha looked around and your gazes crossed, immediately melting away some of the worry. You tried to push your way through the crowd to get to her, but police and security didn’t budge.

You never took your eyes off of her, scared that if you did she would disappear. But she did move her gaze to her phone and the look that crossed her face when she heard the voice at the other side told you it was a very important call.

Once the call was over and she looked at you again you knew that would probably be the last time you would see her in some time. You hadn’t known Natasha as long as some of her colleagues had, but you could proudly say you could understand what she wanted to say with just a look. And the look on her face in that moment read close to a goodbye.

New York, 2018.

It had been two years since the fall of Helmut Zemo and part of the Avengers was still on the run. And it maybe wouldn’t have had that big of an impact on you if it wasn’t because Natasha had also been on the run for that long.

You had heard about what happened at the Leipzig airport and how Natasha had changed alliances to join Captain America’s fight. You had been heartbroken at the news knowing that any resemblance of normality that you still hope for was destroyed.

You had spent months wondering what had made her change her mind. Had she thought about your conversations about the accords? Had she even remembered you, waiting for her back in New York, when she decided to go on the run?

A part of you tried to convince you of how selfish thinking about that was, why would she think about you when the future of her team and friends was at stake? But also you were her girlfriend, she should have thought about the implications that might have had for you.

In those years you had mourned your relationship and after the grieving period you tried to rebuild your life. New friends, a new position and new chances to take. And it went okay...at least until someone opened their mouth to talk about superheroes or The Avengers. Years down the line and it was still on people’s minds.

On special occasions you would receive anonymous gifts at your office or your apartment. The first birthday after the war you sobbed for fifteen minutes when you saw the bunch of flowers. There was no name or indicative of who might have sent them, that was until you looked better at the card and saw the small red hourglass painted in the corner.

The gifts continued. Every case you won, promotion, birthday or holiday a bunch of flowers would be delivered to you with the same note.

In a way it gave you a sense of peace knowing she was okay and still thought of you. But the more you thought about it the angrier you got at how she had left you.

You didn’t expect a message from your boss to run to the Avengers compound and assess some situation between Coronel Rhodes and Thaddeus Ross. Although the team had crumbled, your company was still hired to legally represent the remaining members and moderate situations that might arise with the government.

You entered the compound expecting another bureaucratic complaint about their activity but you found a trickier situation. The meeting room was filled with people you thought you would never see again.

Captain Rogers was sitting on one of the chairs sporting a new look that made you almost not recognize him and a tense demeanor. Next to him was Sam Wilson, looking around at the smallest of movements and trying to assess the situation. Wanda Maximoff was standing on the furthest corner of the room playing with her rings, meanwhile Vision was apparently being checked out for a wound. What kind of wounds a synthezoid could get was beyond your understanding.

“Thank you for coming so quickly, I might have angered Secretary Ross during a meeting.” Rhodey came up to you with a nervous smile.

You had gotten closer to him thanks to your job seeing as he was the one doing the dirty superhero work.

“Yeah, I got that much from the text. Nothing new then.” You tried to joke to diffuse the tension in the room. “It would have been nice to know you had guests though.”

“We are not guests. Last time I checked this was our home too.”

That voice made your blood freeze. You should have expected her there, all her friends had returned and the chance of her being back too was almost 100%. But hearing her voice again after two years was not something you expected.

You bit your tongue before you could talk about how it’s not a home if you abandon it, but decided against it. This was a fight between them, not Natasha and you.

“I need you to work with the government to avoid this situation becoming a disaster.” Rhodey explained and you scoffed.

“Rhodey, I’m a lawyer not a politician. I have as much power in this as you might have.” You tried to lay your point across but it was difficult with all eyes on the interaction. “Hell, I have even less power than you do.”

“Then I need you to distract them enough to get them off our shoulders.” He pressed. “Something big is coming and we need all the strength we can get.”

You thought about it for a moment. If it was true that something big was coming, the Avengers were the best option to fight it.

“I’m in.” You scoffed at his smile and sat down in one of the chairs of the meeting room. “I’m not ready for the world to end yet.”

The meeting went on for a while. You called bosses, government officials and everyone that would listen to your distractions. You sent emails that would flood their inboxes for days so that they couldn’t read any news that might reach them about what the superheroes had in mind.

It was late at night when a cup of steaming liquid was placed next to you. You looked at it and saw that it was some kind of herbal tea, probably made to relax the drinker. You followed the hand that was still holding the mug until you reached Natasha’s face.

You had done your best to ignore her looming presence in the room but now there was no distraction. Looking at her you could see tiredness in her face. She was platinum blonde now, a look that weirdly suited her, but her face still looked as welcoming to you as it always did.

You tried to stop the flashbacks to the last time you saw it in person in Vienna, but they kept replaying in your head until her voice broke you out of the loop.

“I thought you might need it, I remember how nervous calls used to make you.”

She was smiling but you could tell it didn’t reach her eyes.

“Yeah, I guess I got over it since I got my promotion. Now I spend a long portion of my day making calls.”

She hummed and sat down next two you, but leaving a chair in between you as a safe space.

“I read about it in an article, I sent you flowers to celebrate.”

“I got them. And the Christmas ones. On my birthday too.” You enumerated the times you had gotten the plants in the past two years. “You must have spent an awful amount of money buying me so many flowers.”

“You deserved it, you still do.” She shrugged and that’s when you noticed she had her own mug of warm tea in her other hand. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to celebrate with you.”

You laughed into your mug sarcastically. Out of everything you expected her to say this wasn’t one of them.

“Did you really? Because you didn’t seem to consider me much when you went on the run for two years.”

Natasha paled when she heard your tone. She probably wasn’t used to situations like these but you weren’t going to let her go without an apology at least.

“I was trying to do the best for-”

“-for the world. I get it, Natasha, I do.” You tried to contain your emotions but it was getting harder with every word. “Relationships are supposed to be teamwork. I know you are always too busy playing heroes and I never judged you for that, I just wish you would have trusted me enough to tell me before you disappeared.”

She was silent and knowing Natasha it’s because she was probably overwhelmed with the display of feelings. But she needed to hear how bad you had felt.

After minutes of waiting for an answer from her and getting nothing but sighs you shook your head and looked back at the computer screen.

“I guess it was a case of the right person, wrong time.” You shrugged trying to find distraction in the flurry of letters in your email inbox. “Or at least it was for me.”

She got up from her seat without a word and you grew exasperated. Why had she even approached you if then she wasn’t willing to have an adult, two sided conversation? She was almost at the door when you heard her voice again.

“Please never doubt how much I love you. I made some bad choices but dating you was not one of them.”

New York, 2024.

Time apparently flies by when you are erased from the face of the earth. One day you are in your office working late and the next you appear five years in the future with no recollection of what might have happened.

You were taken by authorities to impromptu camps and one by one examined to check your identities. The entire thing seemed to be something out of one of the dystopian novels you used to read as a teenager.

When it was your turn you gave them all the information you had on what had happened. You had given them your name and personal information and apparently had been a very searched person because the computer started beeping as soon as your name was introduced in the database.

You were moved to a secluded part of the camp and kept in an isolated room for god knows how long. Your stomach was in knots during the entire situation and you could feel the cold sweat on you. That mixed with the metallic taste on your tongue you knew this time your anxiety was justified. You were almost dizzy because of how hard you were thinking about the entire situation and trying to make sense of it.

When you heard the door of the room open you jumped up, discarding on the floor a makeshift blanket that had been placed on your shoulders when you got there. Your legs almost gave out at the movement and your heart felt like it was going to burst out.

The door opened enough for you to see who had been searching for you. Natasha stepped through the door still dressed in her tactic gear and with tiredness written all over her face. But that feeling seemed to almost disappear when she finally saw you.

With quick movements she stepped into the room and wrapped her arms around you tightly. For some reason that action was the trigger that you needed to let all your emotions consume you.

You started sobbing uncontrollably at the unknown. You didn’t understand what happened or how you are here, but feeling her embrace helped you feel safe in a way. It had been years since you last hugged her but it still felt as good as back in 2015.

You could hear Natasha’s soothing shushes in between your sobs and you moved to hold her tighter.

“You are here. I can’t believe I found you again.” She spoke softly and you didn’t know if she was speaking to you or herself. “It’s okay darling. I’m here and I’m not letting you go again. I promise.”

And with that promise a ray of hope made way between all the fear you felt.

Missouri, 2025.

Soft music could be heard all around the ground floor of the house. The soft beat was upbeat enough to get the morning started but not enough to be overwhelming if you had just woken up. You were sitting on the kitchen island looking at the news on your phone and having breakfast.

Mornings were usually very calm around the homestead and you couldn’ be more thankful for that. It allowed you to silently prepare your breakfast and coffee and get a headstart on Natasha’s breakfast too.

Since she had retired, Natasha had discovered a newfound love for sleeping in and you didn’t dare to take that away from her. She deserved it from all the work she had done in her life.

You, meanwhile, tried to get up early to scroll through the cases that you got in your new and smaller job and schedule meetings or emails.

It was a Saturday so work wasn’t a thing and you could actually enjoy your toast and coffee in peace. Or at least until a pair of arms wrapped themselves around your middle and pulled you back against Natasha.

“Good morning baby, how did you sleep?”

“Like a baby.” You could feel her smile when she kissed your cheek from behind. “You weren’t there when I woke up though.”

You shrugged before moving to get a bite out of your toast. Natasha tried to do the same but you quickly moved it away from her with a smile. She tried again and you moved as fast as your reflexes allowed you.

“C’mon baby, give me a bite” “No, it’s my toast. You can make your own.” “But it tastes better when you make it.” “No it doesn’t, don’t be lazy.”

The playful fight continued for a few moments until she got close enough to get a small bit but you moved it again.

“Don’t make me bite you, darling.”

You chuckled at her threat and plopped the remaining toast on the plate in front of you. Breakfast didn’t matter much anymore. You threw yourself into her arms and pressed your lips against hers. It wasn’t a slow and sensual kiss, it was closer to how small kids smooch their parents. But you knew it would convey your love more deeply.

“Don’t threaten me with a good time, Nat.” You spoke against her lips and squaked when you felt her playfully nip at your bottom lip.

“Is now a good time?”

That question had become recurring in your household, a nod to the phrase you said when you found eachother again after being separated the first time.

“I couldn’t think of a more perfect time.”

And you couldn’t. The rest of your life spent in a homestead with your girlfriend and whatever life might bring? It sounded absolutely delightful.

Taglist: @tagehaya @flyforeverfree @rooskaya-yelena @evalynanne @insanitybyanothername @princessayveke @yelenabelovasgf @kyli314

#natasha romanov x reader #natasha x reader #natasha x you #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #black widow imagine #marvel imagine #marvel fic #marvel x reader

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qqueenofhades · 3 years

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pel!ivan and fedyor went through a lot of ups and some downs from the end of pel and 2021 but they also celebrated 10 years together 🥳 i hope fedyor shoved cake into ivan’s face and also you know, im sure they were mushy like the saps they are

Ivan was supposed to be out of here ten minutes ago – actually, at this point, more like twenty – but the clients are still fucking talking, and if they keep it up much longer, he’s going to add it to the bill for “initial consultation.” Drew has a man-bun and unbearably hip black glasses, and works as a developer for some start-up app that he’s tried to convince Ivan to download at least twelve times. (What does the app actually do? Don’t know don’t care.) Mia is thin, blonde, waifish, smells like essential oils, and has been flitting around with her smartphone the entire time, getting in Ivan’s way as she snaps perfectly filtered pictures of the “developmental process” and posts them nonstop on Instagram. They both have a lot of opinions on how they want the energy of the space to feel, and a preapproved list of ethically sourced suppliers. They have paid some ludicrous price for this converted loft in Prospect Heights and chose the location for its proximity to the best farmer’s markets and hippie coffeehouses. Did Ivan die? Is this hell?

Somewhat ostentatiously, he looks at his watch. “Okay,” he announces. “I think that wraps up. You have work number, so – ”

“Oh, just one more thing!” Drew has recently read one (1) book on home design and thinks he’s an expert, so Ivan is forced to suffer his idiotic opinions about the kind of tile they want to use on the kitchen backsplash. Somehow, he manages not to roll his eyes directly out of his head, for which he should be commended. Ivan has discovered that the secret of successfully dealing with people, especially clients, is to smile and nod at everything they say, while mercilessly mocking them in your head. Amazing, the things you learn as a small-business owner in Brooklyn in the year of our lord 2021. Especially when it comes to renovating overpriced tiny gentrified apartments for insufferable techno-douchebags and their vapid influencer girlfriends. And people think Ivan might want to live like this more often? No fucking thank you.

Finally (it’s another ten minutes after that, this is definitely going on the bill), they more or less wrap up, except for the fact that Mia then wants a picture with the three of them. “It’s just so important to us that we’re supporting the immigrant community,” she explains earnestly. “After all, being open, tolerant, learning from our neighbors, people who are different from us, that’s what life is all about. We just love that you’re foreign. The energy feels so right, you know?”

Ivan wonders whether to inform her that he has lived in this country for eight years and been a full citizen (passport and voting rights and everything) for three, then decides that this would venture into sharing-personal-information territory and he is having none of it. His English has improved to the point where he can handle almost all business transactions by himself, but feigning incomprehension can sometimes get him out of them when they turn really stupid. Unfortunately, that isn’t an option here, and so he diligently leans into the frame, smiling half an inch, while Mia snaps a picture of “us and our adorable Russian contractor!!” Ivan informs her of the correct flag emoji to add to the filter, decides that he’s going to add an extra fifty bucks just for that, and finally, finally, makes his escape.

It’s rush hour, and the Q is crammed as Ivan heads into midtown. So much for social distancing and not getting too close to anyone, which is the only thing from the pandemic that he wouldn’t mind keeping. Only about half the crowd is wearing masks, including him, and so he gets off at Times Square, dodges the latest lunatic standing on a soapbox and shouting about how it is all a hoax, and walks several blocks uptown, just to get some space. He finally reaches the restaurant, where he has to flash his vaccination card to get inside (Ivan, who remains Russian to the marrow of his bones, is a little irked that he couldn’t get Sputnik here and had to settle for Pfizer) and climbs up to the open-air rooftop terrace. It is only when he spots his husband, waiting at a table that overlooks the glittering evening lights of the city, when Ivan pulls off his mask and allows himself to properly smile. “Sorry I’m late,” he says. “They are the worst.”

“I figured it was something like that.” Fedyor musters a smile in return, though his eyes look permanently tired these days and Ivan would bet that he’s been scrolling through more depressing emails on his phone. Technically Fedyor is on a two-month sabbatical from work, but he can’t stop himself, and Ivan has had to pry it from his fingers on a number of occasions. “But you’re here now. That’s what matters.”

Ivan nods stoutly, they are furnished with the drinks and appetizers list, and when the waiter asks if there’s any special occasion tonight, tell him that they are celebrating their ten-year anniversary, albeit somewhat late. This was supposed to happen last spring, but obviously, nobody in New York was going out to a restaurant in the early months of 2020, and Ivan himself had barely gotten home from the hospital and still could be knocked over in a strong breeze. They’re celebrating a lot of things tonight, in other words, even if it’s now been eleven years, not ten, since the day Ivan marched into a Red Square coffee shop and engaged in – well, Fedyor has made sure to inform him that the first date didn’t go nearly as well as Ivan always thought it did. But it worked, didn’t it? Here they are, wedding bands on their fingers, a couple of successful American urban professionals who have built a nice life for themselves and are, if anything, even more madly in love than they were when this whole nutty adventure together first began. So really, if you ask Ivan Sakharov Kaminsky, it went just fine after all.

The waiter congratulates them, gives them two drinks for the price of one, and they both relax and start to talk, fully at ease in the way they only are in each other’s company. Ivan does his Mia impression in an extremely convincing falsetto (after all, [NAME REDACTED] has practice at this) and Fedyor almost dies laughing. They hold hands on the table – no need to hold them under the table – and gaze into each other’s eyes all they want, order dinner and dessert, and take a long time about it. They raise several toasts to this, to them, to ten years, may there be many more. Ivan pays the bill, his treat, and they walk slowly back to Times Square, hand-in-hand, Fedyor’s head nestled on Ivan’s shoulder. It’s New York. Nobody cares.

They ride the Q home, in all its smelly, secondhand glory, taking an hour to bang out to Brighton Beach and descending the elevated stairs into the familiar down-at-heel comfort of their Russian-American neighborhood, neon Cyrillic signs glowing in windows and somebody shouting about how if Sergei ever shows his face here again, she is going to cut his dick off. Ivan and Fedyor look at each other and snort, resisting the urge to shout up and ask what exactly Sergei did, and walk a few more minutes to their building. They climb up three flights of stairs to their apartment, unlock the door and the deadbolt, and step inside.

The instant they are home, Rasputin shoots out of nowhere, yowling as if he has been neglected for months, and curls himself around Ivan’s ankles (he is still liable to give Fedyor evil looks when he feels that this interloper has been stealing his human too often). Ivan sighs, trudges to the kitchen, points out to Rasputin that his food bowl is still half full, gets a wounded look in return, and adds an extra scoopful. Once the cat is happily snarfing down, Fedyor pulls Ivan by the hand, into the dim living room with its blowing curtains. “Come here, my love,” he says. “Hold me.”

Ivan does as ordered, because it’s his favorite thing in the world: cuddling Fedyor close, nothing but the two of them in all of time and space, swaying slowly in the blue hour with fingers and arms and hearts entwined. Ivan kisses Fedyor’s temple, and Fedyor nestles even closer, melted into his embrace. “I love you, Vanya,” he mumbles against Ivan’s collarbone. “I love you so much. I love you more than anything in the world. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“I love you too, Fedya.” Ivan leans down and kisses him properly, sweet and slow and lingering, as they continue to waltz in stately time to a music that nobody except the two of them can hear. “I’m still not always sure why you married me, but I am very glad you did.”

#heartrender husbands #fivan #fivan ff #ivan x fedyor #a phantom in enchanting light #pel asks #anonymous #ask #(in repayment for the pain i have inflicted on you with the lighthouse au)#(ahem)

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semiconducting · 4 years

Text

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical.

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class.

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other.

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh).

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else.

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove.

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around.

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was.

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

#shut up mega #this ended up being longer and more in depth abt the earlier half of the year than i meant it LOL #a summary of my 2020 i spose #also there's some kinda detailed talk of #suicide ment -#self harm ment -#IM CRYING AFTER WRITING THIS OUT LMAOOOO

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glrchmp · 4 years

Text

! TRANSPHOBIA WARNING !

Anonymous said: Dear Leon. I have always admired your strength. Just like you, I’ve always had trouble with my identity as a trans man. I was ashamed so i hid it from everyone. Seeing you embrace your identity publicly finally gave me the strength to come out to my family. Unfortunately, I was met with disgust and hatred. My parents have kicked me out so im living with a neighbour. i lost my friends. I want you to know that despite all this, you’re the reason why i keep living. So thank you. You’re my hero.

There is no way I can properly express how sorry I am. I know you would say it isn’t my fault, I don’t have to apologise, but that’s just the natural reaction, isn’t it?

You are so strong to keep living. Don’t give me the credit for it. That’s all you, that’s your strength. That’s your courage. Even if the world seems like it’s against you, you will pull through it whether I’m there or not. You will find people who will accept you and love you; there are so many in this world. Even if it looks like there is more hate than anything, there is so much more love than you can possibly imagine. You just have to look in the right places for it.

In the envelope I’m going to attach a sheet with the names and numbers of a few LGBT+ resources for you to look into. I’m not sure how old you are, but I’m sure through these communities you’ll be able to find someone to stay with. You’ll be able to find people who will love you so much you can hardly believe it to be possible.

I’ll also give you my secretary’s email: ▊▊▊▊▊▊@btltwr.glr

Contact her. There is something else I’d like to do for you.

- 𝑳𝒆𝒐𝒏

#transphobia /#ask.#anonymous.#fanmail.

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undiagnosedautismfeels · 6 years

Text

Not A Feel / Questions

- Iiaat to not understand why people are friendly with others but then talk badly about them behind their backs? I've never understood why people act this way and i hate it

Yeah that could be from autism. As for why people do it, it really depends on the situation. For example; there’s a guy that I know who myself and my friends are like that about, and it’s because the dude is really unstable and has serious aggression issues, so it’s a matter of picking our fights. It’s a safety thing, for us and for him. And sometimes there are just things you want to complain about but you don’t want to offend them or start a fight by saying it to their face.

- Does it count as a meltdown if it comes and goes pretty fast if I stim through it? My dad moves things in my room for no reason and I get really really mad and anxious so I usually rock on my knees and repeatedly hit my head until I can breathe properly(which is usually five min until I’m calm) but when I can’t stim (like when I’m in public) it takes me fifteen or twenty minutes to fully calm down

Yeah, that’s generally how people cope with meltdowns.

- I have no way to really block out senses besides music with headphones at school but teachers dont allow me to have them even though the school psychologist emailed all of of them but I havent gotten any iep because Im not diagnosed and having to just deal with the senses and keep in the reactions is physically exhausting to the point where I cant get work done and I’m just getting 0’s for it. I wanted to know if my counselor can get work excused for me because I cant do it because of this

If you want your counselor to do it, ask them if they can. I genuinely have no idea if that’s possible. I dropped out of high school because my school counselors were beyond useless and should not have been working there.

- (Sorry if this is a little gross) There have been several times when I’ve been eating something and there’s been an ‘unexpected texture’(tm) and it’s made me want to throw up. For example, a tuna sandwich, which yknow, is mushy, had something that crunched in it when I bit into it and I immediately gagged and had to spit it out before i puked. I already have texture issues with food so is this another sensory thing? It’s happened multiple times but I’ve never seen anyone else do it.

Yeah sounds like it.

- Is it an autistic thing were you sometimes don't use 'I' when referring to yourself? Like, instead of saying 'I'm hungry' or 'I need help', you say 'hungry' & 'need help'. Cause I've lately found myself saying that a lot & I don't know if that isn't simply cause I've been playing Elder Scrolls a lot & the Kajits do that too, where they say 'this one' instead of 'I' & stuff. In that cause, is that mimicking? (🐇🍰)

If it’s after you started playing it a lot then it’s probably mimicking, but autism causes difficulties in verbal communication so it could be related. I’ll often accidentally cut words out of my sentences, stutter, or mispronounce things when trying to talk to people.

#not a feel #mod dylan #social skills #meltdown #stimming #night wolf asks #vomit /#sensory issues #food #language #bunny cake asks

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shidiand · 5 years

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How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

#tenco's story #freshlybakedspiderbread

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ericvick · 4 years

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Mortgage veteran Roger Strecker on persevering via the pandemic

Editor’s Be aware: This is the ninth installment in the “Industry Warriors” series, a collection of profiles on veteran real estate pros and lenders who developed substantial volumes pre-9/11 and pre-2008, weathered individuals economic downturns and rebounded even more powerful.

In more than 25 a long time in the mortgage sector, Roger Strecker has been no stranger to agility. He’s maneuvered the wave of bank consolidations and closings through his occupation.

“A the vast majority of my career, I went from just one bank to a further as they had been absorbed or consolidated,” said Strecker, now regional manager, field mortgage functions for Navy Federal Credit score Union. “I worked 15 several years with Washington Mutual, left WaMu, went to a massive unbiased (bank) and then all of a unexpected, WaMu goes less than. The unbiased I went in excess of to, CTX Economical, they went beneath. I looked for the up coming major umbrella I could come across at Wachovia. I assumed, ‘I’m good to go this is Wachovia.’ Taken over by Wells Fargo.”

Strecker’s journey also incorporated operating at MetLife, Funds A single and PNC Bank just before he ended up at Navy Federal. Now six yrs into his position at the credit history union, Strecker’s location of Washington, D.C., Maryland and Virginia usually does about $2 billion to $2.5 billion in buy first-mortgage originations on a yearly basis, he mentioned.

HousingWire spoke to Strecker about the worth of agility in navigating today’s lending market place.

This job interview has been edited for size and clarity.

HousingWire: What are you carrying out in your lending enterprise to adapt to the present-day current market problem?

Roger Strecker: Our users are the mission, so for us, no issue what the lending ecosystem is, we are looking for techniques to be obtainable for them and to achieve them. We went from having it’s possible 10% of our workforce of just about 20,000 staff in a remote ability, and right away our ISD technology group carried out a miracle and place the 90% of us out, able to get the job done with laptops, phones, displays, MiFis. So just to get that established up for us to be readily available for the members was moving mountains.

Since all of this has gone down, we have appeared at retooling our workflow, and how do we optimize our availability for our members. For instance, we have 9 million users who are global in mother nature. They all know our telephone amount, our website address, and exactly where the branch is, so we have to be obtainable for them, and we at this time are operating by way of these dynamics now.

I was at the department past 7 days. One particular of them does not have a drive-through. They are physically assembly members deal with to confront, either with a mask or without the need of, but people employees are accomplishing that assistance for the associates, no matter of their individual individual health dangers.

HW: Has there been any alter that you’ve experienced to make to any of the procedures, in conditions of lending or applications?

RS: All the things, with all of us becoming remote or remotely situated now, just from getting in contact with our members. Not just about every employee is employed to remaining a distant staff. Not every staff has the equipment to be a remote staff. Not everyone would like to be a distant employee and operates in that ecosystem definitely effectively.

So we’re concentrating on employee engagement, member engagement. Really, in all of those people capacities, our get hold of centre is focused on 24/7 availability, accountability for our customers. They’re an vital section of the operation. Our department people are possibly doing the job the drive-through or executing drive-up company, handling files in and out of car or truck home windows with gloves and masks.

From a mortgage-specific adjust, it’s seriously acquiring our workers the accessibility to the users and letting them know we are offered and we’re in this article for you.

We are targeted on assembly the customers wherever they need to have us to, whether or not they’re calling into the center, no matter whether they want to go to the department — we’re attempting to continue to be open up and readily available. Our loan officers are not in the branch any for a longer time, but if they are desired by a member who comes into the branch, it is redirected to us.

We deal with all the web-site inquiries and purposes as normal, which is instantly filtered to our loan officers. We are also working with our associates, no matter whether they are Realtors, Navy Federal title expert services on the closing side, whether it’s our servicing group, we are building absolutely sure that the funding and the servicing are all taken care of seamlessly for the users.

From an staff standpoint, we’re often quite engaged. For me and my group, we have huddles, we communicate on the telephone, we’re on IM. We have each individual other’s personal mobile telephones anyway. Then we’re just seeking to be as comprehension as achievable with our staff members from a operate circumstance. All of a sudden the educational institutions have closed. A lot of of our workers have young young children so we’re getting proactive with functioning with them on a schedule, and we’re just becoming flexible with the membership and our workforce.

HW: How are you encouraging your team to stay good for the duration of this time?

RS: That is probably paramount for where by we are in the business correct now. For me, I consider being entirely clear with your staff members is selection a single. I adore to be open and truthful about what we’re doing the job on, what the firm is working on, how we’re going to tackle the members’ desires. And often I never have all the responses, and I enable them know that.

This environment is unparalleled, and in some cases you might have to fly a little bit by the seat of your trousers on occasion. I do not intellect sharing that with them. I feel also listening to their feed-back is critical. My workforce is aware that no matter is off the desk and that any strategy that would assistance us to improved serve the users is up for thought.

For me, I feel I have to product positive conduct, which is genuinely easy for me simply because I’m a glass-is-fifty percent-complete kind of individual. I feel for individuals who which is really not how they’re built, they have to have to come across their reason why they have to have to be upbeat and constructive for their men and women, specifically in this remote setting. Dealing with workers is a person factor working with workers that are now remote is a full diverse ball of wax. It is an supplemental skillset that you have to have or get the job done on creating.

HW: How are you staying favourable?

RS: I check out myself at the doorway every morning. I’m just designed this way. I really like existence. I appreciate what we do in mortgage. Simply because the place do you have an possibility like this to make these types of a massive impact on a member’s lifestyle? It is one thing I remind my crew about as generally as attainable. For me, for my group, I bring the pleasurable and maybe a minor radical habits, because I feel laughter is the drugs that we all require. It’s a excellent worry reducer.

(I do that) usually on the phone due to the fact I assume it’s faster and easier to join with people today. They can listen to my voice. They can hear the inflection. They can listen to when I’m backpedaling, or I’m laughing or whatever it is, but I also check out and give them tiny mind teasers and just trying to keep them engaged on IM.

I’m constantly partaking them in diverse means mainly because not everybody’s insane about the mobile phone, but they could enjoy e-mail, or they might like IM. Primarily our young people today, they like to text so I’ll place some textual content in there. I’m not worried to make pleasurable of myself, just to get them to just have a instant where by they are not apprehensive about what is heading on in their individual life or the life of our members.

HW: What did you do in previous economic shocks to effectively navigate the downturns?

RS: I attempted to just continue being positive. I tried to see the upside. I’m ordinarily quite real looking and trustworthy with myself and in dealing with many others, and I held telling myself: You can only regulate what you can command, but I can however make a large effect in an individual else’s life. So whether or not I was emailing an individual, a comply with up to a conversation about a attainable buy or refi, no matter if I was speaking with a Real estate agent, I’d say, ‘Hey, I’m continue to here. Hope you are performing properly. How’s small business?’

Back again in ’07, ’08, you just never ever realized sometimes protection showed up and they just shut your place down, or they just advised you, ‘Today is around,’ and they just moved good friends of mine proper out of the constructing. It was a crazy time.

You know, now I can study from history as I appear back. How can I carry out a little something today that’s good? I tried using to execute something just about every day. I think my advice to other folks would be never be scared to retool, how and what ever you are carrying out just about every working day. Re-search at your method stream for possibilities. Never be frightened to make blunders consider and try out yet again, take a look at it, then test it once again. And you have to collaborate with some others in like scenarios.

I have constantly been extremely related to the rest of the mortgage market, primarily in the DC location. I gained my CMPS (Accredited Mortgage Setting up Specialist) along the way I recently gained my CMB (Certified Mortgage Banker). So I depend on the CMB Society and other CMBs to form of retain me in check simply because that brain have faith in and what they have been by way of is amazing. I rely on the MBA (Mortgage Bankers Affiliation) a great deal, from a learning and training standpoint.

HW: What did you do in 2007-2009’s economic downturn to realize success for the duration of that time?

RS: In ’07, ’08, just about every put I went, they were being shutting the doorways. I truly considered it was me. The rubber actually achieved the road for me in ’07 and ’08 and which is when I genuinely experienced to variety of tighten the belt buckle down, keep on being optimistic and be real looking. I just experienced to maintain concentrating on, ‘There must be a way to do company.’ I went and requested other men and women who were being, in my intellect, productive and nonetheless earning it come about: ‘How are you doing that?’ I’m not scared to go and ask for assistance both. ‘Hey, can you show me that? Hey, the place did you get that merchandise from? Wherever did that loan occur from?’ But ‘07, ‘08 was rough. It was tough on a whole lot of us.

HW: Provided your background in individuals earlier economic downturns, what do you believe LOs need to know now that they may not be considering about?

RS: You nevertheless have an option now, even in this marketplace, to make a substantial effect in an individual else’s lifetime or their family’s life. You are included in the biggest financial determination a man or woman will ever make, and they require your experience. They have to have you to be engaged. They require you to keep centered.

I know it is difficult, but our users require that. Many of our members are energetic duty armed forces, so our intention of reducing their anxiety amount with our notice to detail, that is paramount for us. When you speak to a person whose husband just went down-variety, and she’s relocating the entire family, and I can hear the anxiety in her voice, and if we can make her get by the system of relocating a person much more time, you can appear home at the end of the working day and say, ‘You know what? I helped anyone today through some thing they by no means believed we could get as a result of collectively. But mainly because we are alongside one another, we got through it.’

HW: What piece of assistance from your history in downturns would you give to other people in your industry striving to navigate COVID-19?

RS: I would say you’re not alone. We’re all in this alongside one another due to the fact COVID-19 is not a fiscal disaster of ’07, ’08. It is a health and psychological disaster, which will drive a fiscal disaster. So we’re all in this jointly from a world wide point of view.

From a member point of view, I assume you need to husband or wife with a lender that you belief. Due to the fact there are likely to be some persons who applied to be mainstays for Realtors at the regional amount who do a amazing position that, in my viewpoint, could or may possibly not make it, based mostly on leverage and warehouse traces and items like that. So you want to make certain that your trusted husband or wife is likely to be in a position to fund your obtain deal.

From an staff standpoint, I would say you need to stay linked to your workforce. Give them the sounding board to be read. I feel it is significant to validate people’s thoughts, not generally to resolve the issue, just to pay attention. Which is most likely the most important detail, is to just pay attention to your personnel and just to know that background has shown us that we will get via this. We will be superior and stronger in the finish.

From a small business continuity standpoint, this is likely to be seemed at, I think, in my view, by means of MBA, graduate and PhD classes for several years to come — what we did correct, what we did improper, what we could have done again, how would we prep for a further probable pandemic. But in the stop, I believe items are heading to be ok. Just management what you can manage, which is you, your personal point of view, how you offer with your members, and just deliver your A-game every single day.

0 notes

this-brownie · 4 years

Text

3.31.20

it feels therapeutic to write things out and be able to put my thoughts into words that I can visualize. I, sadly, had to stop writing in my old blog because Tumblr locked me out of it because I no longer had access to that Email…fucking yahoo and 2007 emails…anyway. I want to do a continuation from that blog so I will be making quite some posts about my past, starting from around April 2016.

https://somebrownie.tumblr.com

lets begin with a little background. so dad died on April 16 2017, but he had been sick for years before that. it first started off with slurred speech almost like he was drunk or something, which was when I was in tenth grade, and then progressed to him not being able to speak at all, resorting to writing on paper to communicate with us, not being able to eat solid foods anymore, having to get a tube attached onto his throat, bringing in medical equipment that was situated on his bed while he slept, and eventually having to move to a nursing home completely where he spent his final two years. I am not going to discuss what a domineering and prideful man he was, what a workaholic he was, how he tried to show us his love and affection through money and materialism, or how his death impacted me. those can be discussed at a later time.

one positive result that came from this situation is that I had a little more freedom in pursuing the life I wanted. my mom always looked to him for guidance on every decision— I knew I wouldn't be able to marry the person who I loved because he would never allow it. Levi is a jew after all and as a muslim im supposed to hate him, of course. after he died, my mom became severely lost— she had never been completely independent. however, she still had her reservations when I told her who I wanted to marry. I had to be extremely forward, logical, and manipulative about it because old habits and a lifetime of molded mentality don't wash away that easily. a few factors helped me achieve my goal: I was in the process of graduating and had no means to get a job in my field because I didnt have the legal papers to reside in this country. by getting married, I would obtain a green card which would allow me to make money and make use of my degree. also, there was less pressure to uphold an image for our distant family and relatives— people had naturally started distancing themselves the sicker my dad became. less wealth flowed into our house meaning less parties to throw, less opportunities to give gifts to others, and less reasons to cook fancy food. this all contributed to people checking up less on my mom— all these people who she hold so dearly, couldn't give less of a fuck when they had nothing to benefit them. I asked her, are these the people youre trying to impress? is this the reason you want to hold me back? because it won't look good to THEM even tho they don't help us at all? even while we are struggling? the last sneaky tactic I pulled was telling her that there are several friends who are willing to marry me, but at a cost. only one person who is willing to do it without a charge (good old Levi haha). and to my utter shock, she slowly agreed. I wasn't sure if she completely understood so I confirmed…”you know that means I have to live with him right…in case the lawyers check?” she said she understood and was okay with it. sweet success. that was June 2018.. in a couple months we will have been married for two years now.

Levi and I have been seeing each other since 2011. so our marriage was….a long time coming to say the least. luckily I had the chance to meet almost all of his immediate family members before we fully committed. the first people I met were his aunt candy and uncle chuck way back in 2013 for thanksgiving, and then again for Levis graduation ceremony in 2014. I've gone over for thanksgiving and passover dinners throughout the years as well. I met Levis parents for the first time in 2015 (I think) in boston and I was deathly nervous. his dad used to teach Jewish studies at both Harvard and yale—he's retired but still gets invited to conferences to gives speeches around the world. his mom opened a free after school program to teach poor children who don't have access to educational resources. so ofc I was so nervous I could hardly breathe. I wore a cute, not too revealing, dress and minimal makeup. thankfully, they steered the conversation and actually didnt interrogate me too much. we mostly just told stories which was nice. I remember one conversation where I talked about my degree in linguistics, my affinity for learning and understanding how languages work, and seamlessly adding an anecdote from a tv show that Levi and I watched from just the night before. the person on tv, I think he may have been European, wasn't able to pronounce the word “skewer” which I found very interesting because there are many sounds our tongues can't produce because we are not used to moving them in that certain way. something about the brain and tongue not being able to make the connection between the ways a foreign word is spelled and the different areas it has intonations. like, native Spanish speakers would have a difficult time saying an English word that starts with ‘sp’ like “special” or ‘sk’ in “school” because in their language the letter s isn't followed by another consonant; the sound of the letter ‘e’ always precedes the ‘s’ (like if you were to literally sound out the letter ‘s’)-- so a speaker would pronounce it as “especial”. anyway! I told his parents this tidbit that I found intriguing and added that Levi isn't able to pronounce the sound ‘gh’ but his dad was able to make all those sounds perfectly! which impressed me and put a smile on my face. his mom, who is French, was practicing the different sounds herself (not properly) and his dad just makes eye contact with me, rolls his eyes in a goofy way aimed at his wife, which cracked me up because here is this sweet woman trying her best and her silly husband secretly, but lovingly, making fun of her. it touched me because it felt so tender and genuine, when I had never really seen something like that exchanged in between my own parents.

I met his younger sister and middle brother, but only after we got married. his sister alissa is a such a sweet, quiet, docile woman who really looks up to and adores Levi. she used to stay near us while she studied law at nyu. his brother David is animated, quirky yet can be very serious, and is very kind as well. I probably didnt leave a good first impression because the three of us had been walking to a restaurant and this HUGE man and his huge ass fucking dog purposely bumped into me, in order to get by me. I don't think Ive ever gotten that angry at a stranger. I was actually in pain at how hard he smacked into me. I started cursing and Levi was shocked that I was being so loud/violent especially in front of his family member. I just said “did you see his fucking size? did he really need half the block just ti get past me?” in my head im thinking, its because im a small woman that he knows he can get away with it. and then Levi finally realized the gravity of the situation and said “should I go talk to him?” but the man had already walked away at this point. I calmed down at that point thinking, yes im gonna let my tiny husband fight this massive douche bag. I apologized to david and we just continued on.

I never got a chance to meet levi’s eldest brother, wife and youngest kids until I visited Israel (different post!) but I did meet hilly, their oldest daughter when she visited nyc with Levis parents. she's sweet, a bit of a rebel, maybe even hotheaded and insecure like the way I was when I was a teen. I enjoyed spending time with her and gifted her a bunch of lipsticks/glosses and a mascara from Sephora when we all had to say goodbye. I think she felt comfortable that I was younger because she opened up to me about her boyfriend, and told me to keep it a secret. I knew she liked me too because once Levi and I finally got married, she told him that she knew we were going to get married as soon as she met me.

even though I had a lot of luxuries as a child, I never truly experienced unconditional love without trauma or negativity. others may have it worse, but I had what I had. I've dealt with it and come away from it as a better person thanks to Levi. I feel happy to call them my family now, and that they accept me without hesitation despite me being muslim, or much younger. I still feel shy to talk to them on the WhatsApp group chat but im working on it!

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clementina723credits-blog · 5 years

Text

Why are my credits taking so long in review in imvu mobile check right now

Paypal Not Working With Imvu

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penpursuiits · 7 years

Text

Mun Comfort Zone

Repost, don’t reblog!

A valuable meme for any roleplayer! Come display your comfort levels so your roleplay partners are aware of what they can do, and of what they should avoid! A healthy relationship between role-play partners is the key to a good time!

While this meme shows the basics, please remember to communicate with your roleplay partners!

Key: Bold = Yes. Normal = Okay/Ask me about it. Strike = No.

tagged by: @duvessamiyashita

tagging: @bathedinsunrays. @peeblesofnewyork. @splatteredfingers. @beenpole.

Roleplay Basics

Locations

I am comfortable doing:

tumblr

kik, im ( IC format! i mean we could do...para stuff? but I like doing IC texting.)

discord

google docs

skype ( tho skype / discord rps are more like going...HEY IMAGINE THIS HAPPENING TO OUR OCS / MUSES, LET’S CONTINUE TALKING ABOUT IT IN ELABORATE DETAIL WITHOUT GOING THROUGH THE TROUBLE OF PESKY FICTION WRITING. )

forum

other

Participants

I am comfortable with:

One on one role plays.

Up to three people. (in a single thread)

Up to four people. (not in a single thread, but in a shared verse)

Five or more people! (not in a single thread, but in a shared verse)

As big as possible!

Post Length

I usually write about:

One or two sentences.

One or two paragraphs.

Two to five paragraphs.

More than five paragraphs. (occasionally)

A few pages worth. ( ???? depends what we’re doin’? is it a huge plot? npcs are introduced? at best I’ll do 2 pages. Not five or anything.)

I am comfortable role-playing with people who write:

One or two sentences.

One or two paragraphs.

Two to five paragraphs.

More than five paragraphs.

A few pages worth

Role-play Requests

I like getting requests from:

Anyone and everyone at any time! (If I can take on more threads)

When I ask for roleplays.

From friends and acquaintances.

From friends only.

Romantic Relationships

** Important: Communication is the key to a real life relationship, it shouldn’t be abandoned for a fictional one either! Be sure to talk to your partners when considering romance

Shipping

I am comfortable shipping my characters:

Never.

If our characters know each other deeply.

If our characters know each other deeply, and I know I can trust the role-player.

At the first sign of flirting!

Only if the role-player and I plan it.

It depends on the character.

If you want to ROMANTICALLY ship with my characters:

Talk to me about it from the start. (some good ideas can take off from the get-go)

Talk to me about it once our characters know each other.

Talk to me about it once they both have some feelings for each other.

Talk to me about it when they finally decide that want to go beyond hugging.

Speed

When shipping my characters, I like the romance to happen:

Swift as lightning!

Fast, but not super fast.

Happens in about three months.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Slugs know what’s up!

My relationships know no speed. They happen if they happen. (I like slow-burns. And I would like to write something realistic and properly communicated with my ship partner. Yet; it’d be good if the partner tells me when they want to ship right away so we can get to business. Because there have been times, many times, where I spent months secretly shipping my muse with their own but lacking the gut to say anything. Then when the time finally comes? My luck has been they’ve moved onto a new muse. Or they just don’t RP anymore. So I’ve wasted my time by being unsure and quiet. Basically tell me what you want to do with the potential ship. Tell me your ideas; I’ll tell you mine. We don’t have to write them being lovey-dovey right away in our threads (even tho we know they’re gonna be) but we can discuss everything that’s happening. That will happen. What could happen. ect.)

Smut

When my characters get intimate, I prefer:

To skip the act entirely.

To write the build up, but skip the act.

To write the act only if it is very special, but otherwise, skip it.

To write the act all the way through. (Personally, I’m on the fence about doing public smut. I can write you sexual scenarios. But writing a back-and-forth sex scene? IDK if I would want to place it elsewhere, such as a nsfw side blog for that side of my muse or keep it public where everyone can see. Basically, I’m, down with it, but I’m in that spot where I don’t know how down I am with it. Just talk to me.)

Romantic Artwork

When it comes to artwork depicting our relationship please:

Do not post it at all without talking to me.

Post it if it is cuddles and hugs.

Post it if it is kisses.

Post it if it is nsfw.

Only post it if it depicts nsfw privately between us.

Do not post it at all if it depicts sexual acts!

Do not post it where I can see it, but draw what you like!

Dramatics

** Important: Always be sure to communicate with your partner individually if you think you are about to go outside their comfort zones even just the slightest bit!

Violence

When it comes to violent situations, I am comfortable with:

No violence at all!

I’m fine with verbal arguments!

Some violence, like a paper cut, or an accidental elbow to the face.

Mild violence, such as punching, kicking, hair pulling.

Violence, such as stabbings.

Beyond violence, such as torture and more.

If you are going to do something violent, please:

Don’t do it at all.

Talk to me about it first.

Surprise me!

Dramatic artwork:

Do not post any dramatic scenes that that happened between our characters.

Talk to me about it before posting!

Post what you like!

#( basically i'm summed up as; what do u wanna do? i'm okay with what you want to do. )#( but yea don't just...draw my muses and yours and keep it to yourself. i like to see that stuff. )#( ......bc of experiences. )#. burnt out . ( ooc )

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shubhamsawant882-blog · 6 years

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Digital Marketing : What Is It & Why It Matter?

Digital marketing. Nowadays we frequently hear the term Digital Marketing and this word has become one of the most popular word in last couple of years. Today everyone is talking about digital marketing and businessmen are using this digital marketing strategy to grow their businesses. We all know what is marketing, but we don’t know much about digital marketing, about digital marketing types. To came out of this scenario, it is very important to know what is exactly digital marketing and its different types that are available to your business. In this article I’m going to explain you everything about Digital Marketing. I guarantee you, I will definitely clear your all questions and misconceptions about digital marketing. So, let’s dive into the topic.

What is Digital Marketing?

Simply you can say, Digital Marketing is any form of marketing product or services that involves electronic devices. The action of promoting business and selling products or services is called marketing and the action of promoting business and selling product with the help of Internet and electronic devices is called Digital Marketing. The main difference between Digital Marketing and Traditional Marketing is that digital marketing campaigns are executed through digital channels. This gives marketers more control, data and tools to analyse the effectiveness of marketing campaign. Marketing is about connecting with your audience in the right time and right place. That means you need to meet them where they are already a lot of time: on the Internet. Marketing and digital marketing are virtually the same thing, but there are few minor differences. The digital marketers have a clear vision of how each digital marketing campaign supports their overarching goals. In digital marketing, the promotion of products or brands are done via one or more form of electronic media, it is slightly different from traditional marketing in that it uses multiple channels and methods that enable an organization to analyse marketing campaigns and understand what is working and what isn’t in real time. Digital marketer can monitor things like what is being viewed, sale conversion, what content works and what doesn’t work etc. Digital Marketing Assets Anything can be a digital marketing asset. There are many digital marketing assets, but many people don’t realize how many digital marketing assets they have. Here are few examples: Your website Branded assets (Logos. Icons,etc) Video content (video ads, product demos) Images (product images, company photos) Written content (blog posts, eBooks) Online products (SaaS, interactive content) Social media pages Actually, Digital marketing has number of channels and these can be separated into online marketing channels and offline marketing channels.

So, let’s know more about various marketing channels in detail. 1. Search Engine Optimization (SEO)

The process or practice of optimizing your website to get organic traffic from the search engine result pages is called as SEO. It involves some improvement to your website architecture, design and content that will make website more attractive to search engines. SEO helps in optimizing your website to rank higher in search engine. The channels that benefit from SEO include: Blogs. Websites. Info-graphics. Search Engine Optimization detail explanation 2. Content Marketing

The term content marketing denotes the creation and promotion of content assets for the purpose of generating traffic growth, brand awareness, drive clicks, lead generation and customers. Content marketing uses content assets are as follows: Blog posts. eBooks. Info-graphics. Online brochures. 3. Social Media Marketing

Digital marketer promotes your brand and your content on social media platforms to increase brand awareness, drive traffic, and generate sales. Marketing your business on social media takes a lot of time and efforts. It is easiest and cheapest way to reach audience. Marketer utilize all social media campaigns to promote brand and generate sales. Social media influencers and other people can also promote or share your product on social media. Using social media channels, marketer can monitor things like what is being viewed, sale conversion, what content works and what doesn’t work etc. The channels you can use in social media marketing are : Facebook. Instagram. LinkedIn. Snapchat. Twitter. Pinterest. Who are Social Media Influencers? 4. Pay-Per-Click (PPC)

PPC is one of the fastest types of Digital Marketing channels that drive traffic to your website. Per-per-click means buying traffic via paid search listings that help marketers to get more web traffic through mobile and desktop web searches. PPC helps marketers channelize an online advertising system for driving web traffic to their websites by paying certain price to the publisher when their paid Ad is clicked. PPC is best for the businesses that have a good money spending plans and want to gain more traffic and drive sales. Other channels where you can use PPC include: Paid ads on Facebook. Promotion of Instagram and Twitter. AdWords. 5. Affiliate Marketing

This is performance-based advertising where you receive some commission for promoting someone’s product or service on your website. Affiliate marketing channels include: Posting affiliate links on your social media platforms. Posting affiliate links on your website. Hosting video ads through YouTube Partner Program. 6. Email Marketing

Email marketing is one of the oldest form of digital marketing and still it’s going. Most of companies use email marketing as way of communicating with their audiences. Email is used to promote discount, event and content to direct people toward the business’s website. Email marketing campaign include: Blog subscription newsletters. Customer welcome mail. Follow-up emails to website visitors who downloaded something. 7. Video Marketing

Definition of video marketing is very simple, “using videos for promoting brand, product or service”. Video marketing can be for everything from brand promotion, product or service promotion etc. It is next step for any business to take reach huge audience and create more approachable brand. we see ads on tv and on that basis we buy particular product or service. Video marketing is about publishing your videos on YouTube channel, on Facebook and Instagram to target the audience. 8. Mobile Marketing

Mobile marketing is the interactive multichannel promotion of products or services for mobiles phones and networks. It is digital marketing strategy aimed at reaching a target audience on their smartphones, tablet or other via SMS, email, MMS, apps, websites. Mobile is the best way to engage people with brands. It is effective way to promote your products, services and brand awareness to increase the sales. Mobile marketing allows you to reach audience virtually. So, we have covered Online Digital Marketing channels, now let’s talk about Offline Digital Marketing channels.

Offline Digital Marketing Channels

Digital marketing is process delivering advertisements through electronic devices. When people hear about digital marketing, most of them identify it with channels such as social media, websites, email or other, basically anything connected to the internet via smartphone, laptop or pc. But digital marketing can occur both online and offline. You have already encountered offline digital marketing before, but you didn’t realize that’s what it was. Tv and radio are categorized as offline digital marketing because they involve an electronic device, but connection to the internet is not necessary.

Why Digital Marketing Matters for Every Business?

We live in a digital world where almost everyone is connected to the Internet. Now digital marketing is no longer secondary option for traditional marketing. Businesses had chosen having an online marketing platform. Market expert believe that digital marketing has the potential to replace traditional marketing and it has bright future. That’s why investing time and resources in digital marketing are very important as it’s faster, cost effective and more versatile. Due to limited advertising budget it was not possible for businesses to reach the huge audience, but now digital marketing has allowed every small and medium sized businesses to reach globally. This is cost effective method, that means you don’t have to spend more money on marketing your products. With digital marketing, engaging people has become very easy. More than 50 percent consumers now make online purchases. With digital marketing it has become easier to target the right audience using online platform. Only Internet has that power to engage so many people at a time. Marketing online allows businesses to expand their customer base, build brand loyalty and provide them with online platform where they can keep in touch and share feedback. Internet is amazing medium for all these activities, especially for small businesses who have small advertisement budget. Strong online presence creates a positive impact on customers minds, which can take very long time using traditional marketing channels. Digital marketing is extremely effective platform in gathering customers feedback and tracking their activities. Online analytics platforms like Google Analytics help monitor all customers actions like what they see? What they purchase and everything. Digital marketing has a lot to offer, social media offers small businesses to promote their products or services with zero advertising budgets. If done properly, it can do wonder in business. Social media helps to build trust and credibility while bringing more traffic to the website. Digital marketing is all about targeting the right audience at right time and right place to produce the right outcomes. Hence ,we cannot afford to miss this opportunity that digital marketing has offer in today’s competitive era when customers have so many choices available to them. Read the full article

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kawaiianimeredhead · 5 years

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Its so so frustrating have a direct-ish line to people at home office but also not being able to properly communicate to them some things and im half tempted to ask my boss if I can have someones number to call and explain things but 1) hate phone calls 2) not even exactly sure what to say and 3) I do not want to set some kind of precident or invitation to like directly call me? The emails are fine enough anf they stay at work in the office on the work laptop I dont want any chance for someone other than my boss to call and bother me about work

#theres two people i regualarly email and then a third who sometimes is unvolved #and i dont think they know or understand that i am #the 1 who does emails #my boss will sometimes look but everythiny mainly goes through me and then i pass it along to him #and thats actually fine it doesnt really mess with anything but its just weird #like they know #im there and do emails vut i dont think they Understand #also and the main frustration atm theres like stuff i and sam dont know like at all about or how to di #and they think one or both of us do and it seems that via my emails or via my boss' calls its not being properly understood or communicated #and so i wanna like ve the one to try and explain and naybe theyd get it?#were having some issues with our time clock or specifically the occasional problem of people not clocking in or out #and they are annoyed were not correcting them asap but we dont know they exist?#its a apin #pain* i had to stop typing this part way through i cant remember some of my points oops #work tag #tag rambles #dont mind me

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eldritchsurveys · 4 years

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724.

If you have a job, how long is your shift? >> I don’t have a job.

What was the last thing you received in an envelope? >> I... am not sure. I don’t get a whole lot of mail.

Do you ever wear your hair in a pony tail? >> My hair is like a quarter-inch long.

When was the last time you got a new phone? >> A couple of years ago, I think.

Do you wear your watch on your left or right arm? >> I don’t wear a watch.

What was the last kind of pop you drank? >> Sprite.

Do you think you’re single because you repel the opposite sex? >> I’m not single nor do I care if I “repel” anyone or not. I’m not looking to be attractive to anyone in the first place.

What language did you take up in high school? >> My father pressured me into taking French in ninth grade, but three months in I was sent South, and they only had Spanish at the tiny high school I was enrolled in there. So I took Spanish. And then I got no credit for that year (I don’t remember why, now, but I went through a lot of bullshit in that school in general), so when I took Spanish again in senior year (back up North, in a different high school), I had to take 101 over again. Which is how I ended up with a 100% on the final exam.

Why are you home? >> Because we’re all state-mandated to sit in our houses for the foreseeable future. Not that I’m usually out anywhere on a Wednesday evening, though.

Do you like sunflowers? >> That’s my favourite flower.

Whose bedroom were you in last? >> The only other bedroom I’m ever in is Sparrow’s, and that’s usually just briefly.

Are you counting down for anything? >> No. What’s there even to count down to, at this point.

Are you watching TV? What’s on? >> No.

Have you ever been bitten by a mosquito? >> Yep.

Do you have a sweatshirt on right now? >> Nope.

Where is your ex? >> ---

Have any pictures on your dresser mirror? >> The mirror is on the vanity, not the dresser, and there are no pictures on it.

Did you hang out with anyone today? What did you do? >> Just Sparrow, because we live together. We didn’t do anything specific, we were just doing our own normal activities in the same room.

Have you had any beer this week? >> Yeah, Royal Oak’s French Toast Devil Dog stout. I’m always more likely to try beers that have a dog on the label, and this one ended up being a recent favourite.

What channel did you last watch on tv? >> I don’t have cable.

What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? >> Peach moscato.

Currently waiting on something/someone? >> No.

Last time you painted your nails? >> The last time my nails were painted, it was done in a salon. That was October.

What was the last thing you watched on television? >> Not on television, but on Netflix. I rewatched The Matrix.

Is your shirt yellow? >> No.

How old will you be in 12 months? >> 33.

What did you do last night? >> Messed around on the internet, read, waded through the agony of caffeine still tweaking around in my system and preventing me from falling asleep properly until exhaustion won the battle some two or so hours later.

What woke you up this morning? >> I don’t know, I seem to wake up at 7a most mornings lately.

Do you sleep naked? >> Absolutely not.

What should you be doing right now? >> Nothing.

Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you are now? >> I mean, I don’t recall ever having a vision of where I would be at any point in the future, so... no, naturally.

Do you have make-up on? >> No.

Have you kissed anybody in the last 4 days? >> Inworld, yes.

Have you ever held hands with someone in a car? >> Maybe. I don’t have any memory of doing so, though.

The last person you kissed name started with a J or R? >> No.

Are you taller than 5 foot 7 inches? >> No.

Would you rather be called honey or baby? >> No.

The person you have the most feelings for calls you right now, what do you do? >> ---

Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? >> Because our communication is interplanar.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? >> Yes. Obviously I could literally go the rest of my life without smoking, but I also don’t experience a QOL loss from not smoking. (Whereas with some of these “could you go the rest of your life without [x]” questions, I feel like just because I could literally live without a thing doesn’t at all mean I want to.)

Your last kiss meant nothing to you, right? >> ???

Where is your phone? >> Right next to me.

Will you kiss the last person you kissed again? >> Of course.

What if you had a baby with the last person you kissed? >> I guess stranger things have occurred Inworld, but that’s not the sort of strange thing we’re lookin to encourage.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? >> It’s an undershirt, I got it in a 5-pack from some big-box store or another.

Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years time? >> Well, unless something real insane happens, I’d assume so.

Would you ever try being a vegetarian? >> I was raised almost vegan (seafood was allowed), I’m quite over it.

Did anyone call you babe yesterday? >> Sparrow calls me this often enough that she probably said it yesterday.

Did you ever slam a door on someone? >> Absolutely.

Have you ever walked on the beach at night? >> Yeah.

I bet you’re thinking about someone right now? >> Yeah, I was thinking about when I went back to NYC in August 2016 and I met up with Sigma and another friend of theirs that night at Brighton Beach. Got out the booze and the DXM and it was like I’d never left.

Are you in love with someone right now? >> Pardon?

What have you watched so far today? >> The Matrix and an episode of Arrested Development.

What is the weather like right now? >> Rainy and chilly.

Are you talking to anyone on AIM right now? Who? >> I’m not IMing anyone.

What is your favorite card game? >> ---

What kind of pet do you have? Any certain breed? >> I live with a cat. I assume it’s an American shorthair or whatever.

Do you wish someone was dead? >> Nope.

What’s your favorite ice cream? >> Vanilla bean and matcha are the only ice cream I actually enjoy and don’t just... deal with.

Have you ever given a toll collector 75 cents in pennies? >> I’ve never paid a toll collector, period.

Give me the link to your favorite Youtube video: >> ---

The last time you hurt yourself-how did it happen? >> I don’t remember the last time I hurt myself.

What’s the name of dance you can actually dance to? >> I don’t know any specific dance moves. I just move naturally.

If you could have any pet you wanted, what would it be? >> ---

Did you ever have an invisible friend? >> The people I’m closest to are not visible to anyone but me.

How many emails were you sent today? >> Four or so.

Favorite sleeping position? >> On either side, depending on the night.

What are you drinking right now? >> Nothing.

What’s your favorite alcoholic drink? >> Absinthe.

How many hours of sleep do you get each night? >> Anywhere between four and nine.

Are you a good morning person? >> I like being awake in the morning.

Have you ever been on a diet? >> Well, like I said, I was raised almost-vegan. Other than that, no.

What’s your favorite dessert? >> Creme brulee is pretty good.

What was your favorite Christmas gift you got last year? >> Probably whatever Sparrow got me. I can’t remember what it was now, for whatever reason.

What have you thought up yet for this year’s list? >> I don’t keep a list. In fact, the only person I ever want gifts from is Sparrow and that’s because it’s genuinely fun to get gifts from her. I don’t enjoy getting gifts from her parents, and I’d rather they use the money for gifts for their actual family members. I don’t know why I feel this way and at this point it really doesn’t matter, because it’s not like I’m asking for much. In fact, I’m asking for nothing, lmao.

What’s the best activity you’ve done so far this summer? >> Don’t even talk about summer to me right now. I fear this whole situation is going to extend right into and through the summer, which would be my worst nightmare (aside from, like, getting the virus, obviously).

What baseball team do you root for? >> ---

#surveys #survey #random survey

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vespertineflora · 5 years

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hi🥺wishing u well during these troubled times♥️im sending this message bc I feel u would know more about something like this (& bc we’re both lesbians lol) but I need ur advice on a situation. here it is: im freshly 20, bday was last month. I have this really hot, & I mean smoking hot older butch coworker (well, used to) who I pined after b4 she left 2 2nd shift (we were 1st shift) & being me, I whined to my other coworker who worked closely w my crush & jokingly told him to message her (cont.)

message her for me and I didn’t think he would do it but he did and see enough, he texts me & tells me my crush said to text her and I did. she compliments my bravery and said she didn’t think anyone from where we work ever think she’s hot (?!?!?!?) unrealistic. but anyways, we text and text. Mild hurt and drama happen but we get through it. We occasionally see each other in person at our workplace (my day off, her being 2nd shift) and I get so happy thinking about her ugh.

then we get to a point where she tells me she’s moving 1hour 30mins away from me & that she wants to continue to stay friends. (Earlier on she texted me & said “let’s see where this relationship goes😉) idk how to interpret that or what to think bc I really thought she wanted to get a relationship going, like as in gfxgf. Idk. but now she’s gone and we barely text bc I feel like she’s just, not into me, as a person? She compliments me & calls me pet names and calls me cute & shit

so idk what she’s trying to do. She seems so mean & my coworkers all say she’s a bitch & mean & it seems that way but she’s nice to me. but when we’re texting she kinda just, brushes me off? Doesn’t ask how I’m doing or how I am even tho I’m invested into her emotional baggage & everything. idk if it’s our age diff even tho she said it’s not about that in a relationship (??!) (I’m freshly 20, she’s going on 41 in April) but idk man, am I thinking too much & being a doormat? Advise me🥺

Well, let me say first, I'm really honored you would come to me for advice, and I hope that I can help!

I'm sorry you're in such a confusing situation :c plus any time distance is involved, it tends to just complicate things more.

I will say that, even when both parties are adults, it's very dismissive to say that age doesn't matter, especially with an age gap as drastic as that. Now, it's not impossible for two people who are far apart in age to have a healthy relationship, but it is a bit of a red flag. Sometimes it's a predatory thing, where the older person is looking to groom a younger partner, or they're looking for a specific power imbalance, but that's not always the case, and I don't know enough about your interactions with her to tell you that's what's happening.

Sometimes it's just about the difference in self-awareness and maturity between two people of very different ages. That could be part of what's causing a dissonance between you two. When I was in my early twenties, I dated someone in their early thirties--and even at just nine or so years apart, we were at clearly very different places in our lives when it came to what we were looking for and expecting from a relationship and each other.

Honestly, based on how you've described it, there are some mixed messages in what she wants and how she feels. Now, there's a chance that she doesn't ask you about your day because she's working under the assumption that you'll just talk about your day if you want to, and doesn't realize you want her to ask, which is just a difference in communication expectations. This is especially true with texting, because the older someone is, the less they're used to relying on text as a primary means of communication (my 41yo boss, for instance, would always prefer phone/facetime communication)! There's also a chance her not asking means she's not invested. Saying she wants to see where the relationship goes while also saying she wants to stay friends is also confusing.

The hardest pieces of advice I can give, and probably the hardest to hear:

1) Try to figure out what you want. Is this a person you want to pursue a relationship with? Do you have shared life goals and interests? If you decide you just want to stay friends, then that's fine! If you decide you do want a chance at having a romantic relationship with this person, then proceed to step 2

2) Talk to her about it. I KNOW this is hard, and might even feel impossible, but think of it this way: if this person isn't someone you can have an open conversation with about your feelings and theirs, then this probably isn't someone you should date anyway. If you don't feel comfortable having the conversation directly, the next-best thing to do is to type up your feelings beforehand, just outlining how you feel about her, what you'd like to happen (to try dating or pursue something more serious, etc.) and then ask her how she feels and how she sees your relationship. After this is typed, find out when she'd be free to have time to read the note/email/etc. and respond (instead of just sending it while she might be unable to read and respond properly). I understand how terrifying it is to let yourself be vulnerable, but being honest with her about what you want, and asking for an honest response is the quickest way to find out if you two are on the same page.

I do really hope this helped, and I’m wishing you the best! Stay safe out there in these trying times xx

#Anonymous #answered a thing

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