#people talk a lot about the pressure kat is under

[downybirbs]

I think about these panels a lot

[elliethejellie]

The Lovebug Virus - Chapter One: Intrigue

Yandere! Sun and Moon x Reader

Masterlist || Read it on AO3 || Chapter Two (coming soon!)

*****

No one usually took the time to look at Y/N. She was an empty, shell of a person with little interest in what others her age would find entertaining.

She didn't go out to eat and drink with friends. The thought of going out to make conversation with strangers was a foreign concept to her. The mere implication of loud music and drawling small talk sent shivers down her spine.

No, what Y/N spent most of her free time doing, usually involved quiet spaces with relaxing music - hidden away under a blanket with a book or her laptop and no expectation of the exchange of dialogue. She would partake in gardening to get her daily intake of sunlight, and then you would find her right back inside - cozied up with a stuffie and relaxing.

Most others would say that she lived a lonely life. She didn't mind, really. She never had any reason to believe that the way she went about her days was depressing. The hours spent daydreaming and falling into different worlds brought her joy. 

Her parents had always left her to her own devices growing up. They would buy her toys and games and encourage her to play outside with the neighbors - but Y/N was never interested. So they had promptly given up and resorted to allowing her some space of her own. Other parents would question their parenting methods, although these were mostly snarky older women that felt the need to insert their input where nobody asked for it. Y/N always heard those conversations. Her parents always defended her.

They weren't the best parental figures in the world, but they allowed her to learn and grow on her own. She never saw much of an issue with it. She enjoyed it, honestly. But as with anything, there was a catch.

Should a single grade slip from its perfect little pointed "A+," she would kiss her freedom goodbye. Her privacy, independence, and otherwise happiness were privileges - that was made clear from the beginning. So she learned quickly that anything less than perfect was unacceptable and wrong.

When the time came for her to think of college, she didn't really have much outside of her quaint little world that she wanted. But her parents insisted - so she looked into robotics and engineering. 

This had surprised everyone that knew her (even though that wasn't necessarily a lot of people). Her parents were proud and they boasted about the decision to anyone and everyone that would listen. One of her parents' friends had asked if they were putting a lot of pressure on her for bragging about her career choice, but Y/N was close enough earshot that she had meandered through the kitchen and denied such a claim nonchalantly.

Going to college proved to be more of a positive thing than she ever would have imagined. Despite her quiet demeanor, she made a friend rather quickly. Said friend was the exact opposite of Y/N - loud and boisterous, indulging in "normal" college behavior like it was her lifeline. 

Kat had grown to become Y/N's best friend - even with all odds stacked against their friendship. College had introduced them to each other, and they spent a lot of their free time together now. They considered each other best friends - after all, living two completely different lives meant they never ran out of things to talk about and show each other.

The only small, minute detail Y/N found herself grumbling about quietly was the fact that she needed a job. Her parents promised they would cover her tuition, allow her to live with them rent-free, and even buy her groceries for her - as long as she kept up the garden she so dearly loved. But that left no money for her to buy more books, or keep up with her various subscriptions online. Privileges her antisocial self felt she needed. The things she had spent her whole life using to keep herself happy. Activities that allowed her to shove away the feelings of loneliness that so desperately threatened to spill over into the content she felt for the life she lived.

It was the only reason she stood where she did now, staring up into the soft white, glowing eyes of a sunny-themed animatronic as her heart hammered in her chest. There was absolutely nothing she had experienced thus far to properly ready her for this change in her life. She wondered silently to herself why she would agree to take on such a challenge - but Kat's voice echoed through her head like the ghost of a disappointed mother.

"You need interaction, Meatball! There's so many things out there in the world and you keep yourself cooped up in your room all day!"

"Well, my room doesn't disappoint me, or try to roofie me when I walk away to use the bathroom," she had said in response, gathering her homework from her desk and neatly placing it in her three ring binder. Kat grabbed a pillow off of Y/N's neatly made bed and chucked it at her.

"That was one time! And I was fine! He was just jealous of the attention I was getting from his girlfriend," she joked. But her giggling was replaced with a sigh as she watched Y/N pick the pillow up and place it exactly where it had been before Kat threw it. "Come on, girl. You said it yourself - you need the money. You only have to keep the job for three months. That's how long the contract lasts. Then you can happily quit if need be." 

Y/N's grip on her binder tightened at the thought of being bound by contract to a noisy, bustling daycare as a security guard. Small children always made her uneasy. They were unpredictable - running around and happy one moment, throwing themselves on the ground and crying the next. But as her eyes drifted down to the book lying on the edge of her desk, she sighed. All of the characters in all of her books needed to go through character development. Maybe now was her time? 

"Alright, KitKat. Get me an application."

"So like I said, you don't have to interact with the kids much. That's Sun's job. You just have to make sure that meals get here on time, cleanup is done right, and that this hunk of junk works the way it's supposed to," Max said, jabbing his thumb up at the robot. Sun glared at him, or so Y/N assumed he did. His arms crossed and faceplate turned towards Kat's older brother, his rays shrinking back slightly. But his smile remained unchanging. 

Why did FazCo think a non-expressive faceplate was a good idea?

"So, um... Do I need to walk around and watch him, or...?"

"Oh god no," Max responded, typing vigorously on the keyboard in front of him. "Do you see the size of this damn place? You'll only need to watch from the cameras here."

"Language, Mr. Diaz," Sun chirped from his spot, still standing on the opposite side of the security desk. Max laughed and rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, and he's a stickler for the rules," he mumbled. Y/N took a moment to look at the other monitors on the desk. They all displayed different cameras overlooking the daycare and its attachments. There were several pointed at the main play area. But there was also one in each of the party rooms, a few in the theatre, and some as far out as Kid's Cove. 

Y/N took note of each camera and tried to figure out where on the walls and ceiling they were. She only stopped when she realized the yellow jester bot was still looking at her. Again, that's at least what she assumed. His eyes held no irises - only a faint white glow that appeared to shift every so often. She opened her mouth to speak, but the oddly-colored and bulky watch on Max's wrist chimed. He groaned as he looked at it.

"Dammit," he hissed, making Sun mutter another chastise in his direction. He ignored it, typed something else quickly on the computer, and then grabbed his security hat from where he left it next to one of the monitors. "Something came up, so I gotta go." He then snapped as if he remembered something important - reaching into one of his pockets and pulling out a dark purple lanyard. "This is your temporary security badge until we get you fully put into the system," he said, sounding distracted. Y/N reached out to grab it, but Max didn't let it go immediately. "Never go anywhere without this, you hear me?"

Y/N felt anxiety prick at the base of her spine. "Y-Yeah, I hear you," she said hesitantly. Max let go of the badge and rushed out of the daycare without another word. 

"Oh, don't worry about him, new friend!" Sun exclaimed suddenly, startling Y/N. She ogled at the animatronic as she pulled the lanyard over her head. "Welcome to the daycare!" He stretched his arms up above his head dramatically, reminding Y/N of one of those water spouts that people put in personal ponds and lakes sometimes.

"Thanks," she mumbled, biting her tongue before she could embarrassingly mutter a 'you too' in his direction. She sat down in one of the office chairs and looked at the monitors again. Sun didn't walk away to continue on with his job - instead opting to lean down on the desk and place his eyes right above the edge of the screen Y/N was looking at.

"New friend," he singsonged, listing his head to the side once she peered at him. "Wanna come play a game with me and the little sunbites? Our old handler would play games with us."

"Old handler?" The question slipped from her mouth before she even had a chance to think about it. Sun's eyes widened (the first bit of facial expression she'd witnessed from the bot) and he stood back up to his full height. 

"Y-Yeah, but that doesn't matter!" he stuttered, waving his hands in front of himself as if physically shooing the question away. "Anyways, we can play hide and seek, tag, or even cops and robbers!"

If the unease wasn't present in the form of expression of Y/N's face, the heat rising to her cheeks definitely was. "I don't know," she said hesitantly. Her eyes darted to the rowdy children screaming and running around the colorful play space. Sun's rays retracted behind his faceplate slightly. 

"Oh," he said, deflated. Y/N felt pity flutter in her heart. Why, she couldn't tell. But something about the way his demeanor changed at her rejection of the games reminded her almost of... herself. 

"Why would anyone want to play cards with you? That's a boring game."

"A book club? But kids your age should be running around a playground."

"No, coloring is an inside game. We're playing outside."

"Actually," Y/N said, standing from the chair and pulling a few of her belongings from her pockets to place on the desk. "Do you know the game telephone?" she asked, and somehow Sun's smile seemed to grow wider.

The solar animatronic gathered up the excited children - guiding all the ones that wanted to play into a big circle in one of the cushioned play areas. The ones that didn't he sat down at one of the plastic tables to color, rendering the large daycare quiet besides the never-ending looped theme that played from some hidden speaker overhead. Y/N watched him as he interacted with the young ones, finding herself surprised that he was so gentle with them. 

Of course the daycare attendant would have to be gentle. But something about the way his voice changed when he spoke, or even the little hand gestures he used to keep their attention on him - it made her curious about his programming. Advanced AI was still something relatively new when it came to commercial use. It felt like only a few months ago that chatboxes utilizing AIs were first introduced to the general public. It had quickly gotten out of hand and forced several companies to close their doors due to being sued for copyright infringements and other various crimes. 

But not long after that, corporations latched onto the idea of being able to replace humans with technology. It was beneficial to them - not having to worry about human error in places that cost them millions in losses for that exact reason. Several protests emerged, but they were incapable of rallying enough support to prohibit the advancement in research and programming. Some loophole about original work and free speech - Y/N didn't really remember. 

It didn't take much time for robots to start to replace simple jobs. Unimportant roles like gas station cashiers and janitors were replaced with animatronic versions, and it had worked so well that the furthering of said technology couldn't be stopped. 

Fazbear Entertainment latched onto the idea quickly, especially given that they had been working with AI for years under the table. One thing led to another and now? Well, she was looking at the result of such changes.

"With a show of hands, let me see who knows how to play the game telephone," Sun said, looking around at all of the bright little faces. Several hands shot into the air excitedly. A lot of the older kids had played, but many of the younger ones looked around at their peers quizzically. "So a fairly new game to most of you, I see," Sun continued.

He explained the game in the simplest terms possible, which only furthered Y/N's secret fascination for the bot. She spent the entirety of his explanation just taking in his appearance with more detail. He definitely looked the part in regards to a FazCo animatronic. That much was obvious. But the thought took too long to actually hold weight in her head.

It's not that Sun didn't have mechanical clicks and a voice box full of static - he was definitely an animatronic. But when compared to the others within the pizzaplex, there were definitely major differences. The others - the Glamrocks - were bulky and wore 80's themed garments that reflected the vibe of the entire mall.  They had expressive faces and a lot of preset voice lines. Sun just didn't look like he belonged in the lineup.

Although, that fact was at least obvious to the higher ups, as the advertisements for the obnoxiously inclusive, over-glorified mall never included the daycare attendant. Y/N remembered seeing one of the unskippable ads before a youtube video once. Nothing was mentioned about the daycare - not even in passing did they mention that the plex offered childcare. It made her curious now, but at the time she hadn't thought much about it. 

She played along with the kids in the slow paced game - giggling slightly every time the child next to her whispered something she knew wasn't the phrase Sun had started with. The sunbot always played up whatever was whispered to him at the end of the line, covering his unchanging mouth and tilting his head to the side - even retracting his rays as he did earlier. 

If FazCo had such an intelligent form of AI running their daycare, why hadn't they tried to utilize the same programming for the other animatronics?

After a while, most of the children grew bored of the game - asking Sun if they could leave to color or play in the structures again. He seemed hesitant to allow them to at first, but soon they stopped putting effort into the game, so he eventually dismissed them all. Y/N went back to her seat at the security desk just as the first few parents showed up to pick up their children. Y/N learned from Sun how the security bands worked, making her feel quite dumb for not realizing that each child wore a colored bracelet that held all of their information. 

Soon, all that remained of the earlier bustling daycare play area was one rather quiet child. She hadn't left Sun's side from the moment she arrived after being dropped off from school. She had short, dark hair with blue at the ends stuffed under a baseball cap of the local team. Currently, she was following Sun around like a puppy with separation anxiety - her blue eyes desperately following each movement of the solar animatronic's hands as he cleaned. Y/N couldn't help but find her fascination with the simple tasks amusing because she related to her curiosity.

Then the notification popped up on the monitor in front of her that the girl - whose name was Rosalie - was now in queue to be picked up. Sun lifted his head from the table he had been wiping down and smiled at the little girl. "Rosie posie, looks like your mom is here!" he said brightly, picking the girl up and placing her on his shoulders. She squealed with delight as he lead her over to the cubbies that contained her backpack, shoes, and other various personal belongings. One of those belongings was a dark blue plush, but Y/N couldn't tell what it was from where she sat. 

A yawn forced its way from her mouth as Sun finished with checking Rosalie out from the daycare. He talked with the girl's mother for a while - only deepening Y/N's fascination with him. He could speak with children fluently - making jokes and pulling off silly voices to keep them entertained. But he could also sound completely serious and relay information to adults without puns or snickering.

It was like he was just another human. 

"Have a Fazerific day, Rosalie! See you tomorrow!" Sun called out of the door. He shut it, and immediately let out a satisfied simulated sigh before turning towards Y/N. 

She dropped her head down and tried to busy herself with the keyboard in front of her. She didn't know why she was embarrassed to have been watching the animatronic - he probably didn't mind, given that children stared at him all the time. But the warmth crept up to her cheeks nonetheless.

"New friend, do you need help learning the proper way to sanitize the daycare?" he asked, approaching the desk again and resuming the same position he had earlier. 

"Wait, what?" Y/N's confusion must have been extremely visible, because Sun faltered for a moment. 

"Your end-of-day duties involve cleaning and sanitizing the daycare with me," he informed, tilting his faceplate to the side slightly. The exhaustion from interacting with people all day tickled the back of her mind, but she quickly shoved it aside as Kat's words about her needing interaction echoed in her mind. 

"O-Okay," she stuttered, standing from the office chair and making her way around the desk to join the solar animatronic.

Despite being a fairly large space, the duties of cleaning the play area weren't as daunting as one might think. The ballpit had a special mechanism that allowed all of the colorful plastic orbs to fall through an invisible hatch that could only be opened with a swipe of Y/N's keycard. Apparently, there was a large area beneath the daycare that would sanitize the balls before sending them back through a hidden tube to refill. The plushies and pillows that filled a tent at the far side of the bright space would be sprayed with a disinfectant that hid underneath the security desk. Y/N supposed the hardest task was actually vacuuming the mats - but given that there were multiple vacuum units in the supply closet and two people to split the daycare floor, it went by rather quickly.

Neither Sun nor Y/N spoke much besides clarifying questions and little corrections in cleaning methods. It would be a comfortable silence had the endless loop of the silly daycare theme not been blaring overhead still. Y/N made a mental note about asking Max if it could be shut off once all the kids were gone. 

But she realized after a while that although she was cleaning in silence, Sun had actually been mumbling to himself. Between variations of the cleanup song he sang earlier to the children and comments about how messy things were - it almost sounded as though he was talking to himself. It was odd to hear at first, but it only reminded Y/N of the way she would do the same thing when going about her usual chores at home.

By the time the two had finished cleaning, Y/N's feet hurt. But something buzzed through her body as she looked at the clean space, proud of the hard work. The ache in her muscles wasn't too far off from the same feeling she got after getting all of her garden beds ready at the start of a new season.

"You did amazing, new friend!" Sun praised, throwing his hands above his head. He followed closely behind Y/N as she made her way back to the security desk. "The routine went by so much faster with your help!"

"Oh, I'm sure it wasn't that much faster," Y/N responded, rounding the edge of the desk to collect her stuff. "So there's nothing else I've gotta do now?" Sun's rays shrank back a bit.

"Well, not exactly," he said slowly. Y/N looked up at him, a little surprised by the hesitance in his voice. One of her eyebrows quirked up to urge him to continue. His fingers smoothed over the ribbons on his wrists as he stared on - unblinking white eyes giving away no emotion to the thoughts running through his mind. "N-Nevermind," he said suddenly, placing his hands on the desk with a tap.

Y/N couldn't help her lingering stare before she turned her attention to the monitor so she could clock out. She was tired, but for once it was a good tired. Sun followed at her heels after she collected her belongings and walked to the entrance. It made her think of the way Rosalie was following him around earlier. 

"Friend?" Sun said quietly as Y/N reached the large wooden doors. She turned to face him.

"Yeah?"

He once again fiddled with the ribbons on his wrist, but she still couldn't tell what he was thinking. It only intrigued her more. "Make sure to get a good rest in before you come back tomorrow!" he said in a chipper voice, dropping his hands and subsequently his anxious fidgeting. Y/N sighed, plastering a lazy grin on her face.

"You too, friend," she said, mirroring his nickname for her as she slipped through the doors - completely missing the way Sun's rays rotated around his head a few times as he processed her words.

Y/N's stomach growled as she entered the main entrance of the PizzaPlex. Excited voices drifted up to her ears as children and their parents lined up to get their own wristbands - the variation in color depicting where they were allowed to go. She descended a flight of stairs and contemplated getting something to eat here before she went home. The smell of pizza was extremely tempting.

She let it win - sliding past the people in line to swipe her badge and enter the main area of the plex in search of the greasy, triangle-shaped treat. When was the last time she indulged in unhealthy food just because she could?

It didn't take long for her to spot one of the areas advertising food. It was actually getting to it that was proving to be time-consuming. There were so many people rushing about as the last concert of the night was preparing to run. Y/N let her thoughts drift back through her day as she dodged and weaved through hyper children and eerie staff bots that she swore stared at her a little longer than usual. 

Sun certainly was... something. She could get used to working with him easily - his demeanor was warm and inviting, and her fascination with his programming would surely keep her entertained. She wondered how long he had been in use, once again flitting over the question as to why his programming hadn't been utilized with any of the other animatronics. 

Y/N let out a shocked squeak as her shoulder connected with someone else. A frantic apology escaped her lips as she looked up and locked eyes with Max.

"Oh, it's you. Sorry, was distracted," he said, glancing back in the direction he was heading in. He certainly looked distracted. And tired. Being closer to him than she had earlier, Y/N took note of the dark stubble growing on his chin and baggy circles beneath his eyes. He smelled faintly of cigarette smoke, but so did a lot of other people. And he at least did a good job of covering it up with a light cologne. 

His eyes snapped back to Y/N suddenly and he gave a halfhearted smile. "How was the first day? The thing didn't give you too much trouble, did it?"

"Wha- Sun? No, not at all," she responded quickly. "He was actually somewhat delightful," she added, thinking of how soft he had been with the children.

Max's gaze lingered on her as the silence between them stretched awkwardly. Then he hummed, but he didn't say anything more. So Y/N spoke up again. "I hope whatever was so urgent earlier went over well?"

The way Max's eyebrows furrowed confusedly made her second guess her statement. But then recognition glinted in his eyes and he chuckled. "Oh, yeah! Was fine, fine..." He paused. "Just something stupid - easy fix."

Y/N felt her heart start to hammer in her chest as anxiety lulled through her body. She hated small talk. 

"Well anyways, I've still got some stuff to take care of," he said, much to Y/N's relief. "I'll try to stop by tomorrow to make sure you know the last of your responsibilities with this job."

"Sure, okay," she responded, trying not to sound desperate to get away from him. He turned to leave, calling out over his shoulder as he walked away.

"And tell Kat I said hi."

*****

The pizza was exactly as Y/N thought it would be - greasy and bland. 

She still happily snacked on it during her drive back home, steadily bobbing her head to the beat of her favorite song. She couldn't wait to lounge around in her sweatshirt and shorts again.

When she walked through the front door, though, she was immediately bombarded with questions about her first day. Kat had come over with sorbet from her favorite place to celebrate her having landed the job and surviving her first shift. Y/N's mother was almost in tears from being proud - much to Y/N's dismay.

She knew it was all an act.

But she allowed herself to play along. She was proud of herself, after all. The last time she attempted to get herself out there in the world, she had chickened out before she even made it to the building. 

And here she was, with a new job and not a single anxiety or panic attack in sight.

After answering her parents questions and accepting their hugs, the two best friends retreated up to Y/N's room.

"And how's the animatronic? His name's Sundrop, right?" Kat asked Y/N, taking her usual place sitting on the daybed with her legs folded beneath her.

"I think it's just Sun. But he's absolutely amazing, Kat! You should've seen it!" She sat down at her desk, distractedly swirling her spoon around in the last bits of her mango sorbet. "I'm so curious about all of the programs that had to be written for him. He's got to have thousands."

"You're such a dweeb," Kat responded, grabbing the stuffed animal nearest to her on the bed and snuggling it.

"Probably," Y/N responded after throwing the now-empty sorbet cup away in the small trash can under her desk. Her hands wandered to the drawer on the desk - pulling out one of the notebooks and flipping to an empty page. She had to get started on her fall garden before the temps started to drop, so she went through and listed the things she really wanted to grow. "But he's just so soft with the children. I didn't expect a robot made of something so dense and virtually indestructible to be so... caring."

"It's all in the programming, you goober." Kat shifted to lie down. "Speaking of, have you figured out what you want to do for your project yet?"

A soft sigh emitted from Y/N. "No," she said simply, pushing the notebook away and bringing the end of the pencil to her mouth. "I just want it to be something that's never been done before. Something... original."

Kat laughed. Y/N was sure she meant nothing negative by it, but she couldn't help the embarrassed hurt that settled in the pit of her stomach. "There's nothing original these days," Kat said. "Don't stress it too much - I don't want to have to coax you out of another panic attack the day before it's due."

"Yeah, I guess so..."

The rest of the evening was spent watching the first few episodes of an anime Y/N had promised Kat she would indulge in with her. But her mind wandered back to schoolwork.

She had absolutely no idea what she would create for the project. She wondered if maybe she could figure something out with building a small robot that could perform basic tasks like bringing objects to its owner or recognizing shapes and colors. But all of that felt far too basic. 

Here she was with the opportunity to show her worth - and she couldn't even come up with a single idea.

With one more hug and a last congratulations on her landing the job - Kat left for the night. Y/N wandered back up to her room and focused on planning out her fall garden before switching over to her homework for the evening. After a while, she grew restless as she thought about going back to the plex the next day.

Y/N had barely spent a few hours with the solar animatronic and she was already looking forward to seeing him again. She was so eager to know more about him and how he worked - from the programs and protocols he had to the personality traits he could mimic. She thought about the interactions Sun had with the children again and how gentle he had been. 

God, she wasn't normal.

Long after the sun had set and she had grown tired, Y/N finally began her bedtime routine. She hoped Sun would be able to answer her questions about his programming tomorrow. And if he couldn't, she would just ask Max herself and see what he knew.

******

A/N: So! How are we feeling about the first chapter?? I've been so excited to show you guys!!! I hope it met your expectations and that it was a far better show of my actual writing talent hahah

Remember, my Tumblr asks are OPEN for the characters of this story! So if you'd like to ask any of the main characters some questions, feel free!

Anyways, as always, likes, comments, kudos, and reblogs are GREATLY appreciated!

Stay sweet, my lovelies~!

The taglist peeps! @senyahgirl @rose-blot @sunyandmony (message me or comment to be added!)

[wraithdance]

💕 Positivity prime time! Share five things you love about yourself, four things you're excited about, OR three people you care deeply about and why. Pass this along to someone whose posts make you smile 💕 - @mikichko 💕

Hehehe hi baby! Okay so gonna get a lil gay(er) so under the cut we go! (Did the 3 ppl I care about at the end)

5 things I like about myself

Physically:

1. my beauty marks (I have like 6ish on my face and a big one on my upper lip)

2. my gapped teeth! took me getting braces just for my teeth to shift back a lil to finally think my teeth are unique/special to me lmao (special mention to my ass tho it really does go crazyyyy)

Non physically:

3) my intelligence (interpersonally, emotionally and academically), I think my way of thinking is unique to me and has allowed me to be on incredible platforms and spaces to share my thought processes

4. My creativity!! Who I am and will forever be is an artist. My connection to my life and the world will always start with viewing things as an artist first and foremost! So that gives me a layered view about beauty that I think is unique

5. My capacity to love and hate in equal measures 💀 one thing about it and two things for sure I’m all in when it comes to hating or loving someone or something. It may seem toxic but my word is my bond and my actions are something I never want misconstrued. Also I may not know what it’s like to be ‘in’ love but I can give love like nobodies business lol

3 people I care deeply about:

1. Xavi!!

I’ve already told you and Jess how much I adore you, but I got derailed and never got a chance to cry all over Xavi’s inbox lmao. I appreciate him so much because it’s just been so easy to just talk about shared experiences and get both an honest raw opinion but no judgment. I love cracking jokes and feeding off of each others energies to one up the other on the crazy nasty shit we can say lmfao.

I’ve learned a lot from him in such a short amount of time. Having someone be very vocal about not allowing me to make myself small or even challenging some of the stuff that is still toxic/unwoke from my upbringing has been really impactful for me. I don’t feel like I have to be perfectly together on a pedestal with him and it does still make me wanna balk in terror but I love my lil angel face 😭

2. Wren/Void!!

Not that I don’t appreciate them both and recognize them as separate individuals but they are like the fun part of a Kit Kat when they’re together lmaoo!! Both are so immeasurably cool and I’m fascinated by their brains so much!

Wren is such a sweetheart and the one person I think I would like to hug without absolutely having a touch repulsed avoidant fit about it lmaooo. They are so kind to me and half my jokes are because I’m trying my best to make them laugh so I cackle while typing often. I don’t think we would be allowed in the same room or else we’d for sure start some shit 😭

Void puts my wack ass cool girl attempts to shame. I literally sigh wistfully like damn why can I not shut the fuck up and be half as interesting lmao. Through engaging with them I’ve inadvertently been able to put a name to a lot of things about myself that has haunted me for years. I’m someone who is obsessively logical so even if it doesn’t make my experiences less valid, knowing I’m not making shit up is a relief. Love that I don’t have to perform attachment with them!! It’s just a head nod wassup and go lmfao!

It’s fun kind of being ships passing in the night engaging at random with them and telling jokes. Really is a highlight of my day and is again no pressure so that’s a vibe for me

3. GEMMA!!!

Another person who I admire!! Hope I don’t get punched for saying this but she holds an online older sibling slot to me in my head. I’m very happy to hear her thoughts/beliefs and she’s so sweet and caring it rots my teeth 🥹

I still feel very inadequate when faced with her truly immaculate organizational skills and her writing is so utterly phenomenal. watching her engage and work things out has been so refreshing and I’ve learned a lot! I hope to be as smart as her one day and maybe even a quarter as graceful when I decide to finally act like an adult lmfao. For now I’m content with being her cheerleader so GO GEMMA GOOOOO 📣🥳

I sometimes laugh because I’m like whoa, how have I not irritated her yet with my chaos and constant emotional whiplash lmfao. But nonetheless, I adore Gemma so much she’s one of my lil pockets of sunshine on here even if I don’t say it enough!!

[cosmoknightchaos]

Hehe>:3 1, 2, 6, and 8. (Do whatever character you’d like:3)

Oh boy! Any character I want! I'm going to do all of them.

There are 35 different characters listed below. I'm not kidding when I say the response is long.

What memory would your OC rather just forget?

The following OCs are from a project I've dubbed Project Scepsis OS, a futuristic dystopian featuring a failed science experiment, an amorphous blob, a shapeshifter who eats organs like jelly beans, and a depressed 40-year-old man.

Paisley, despite being trapped in a laboratory for most of their life, isn't that bothered by it. If anything, they'd just prefer to go through and get rid of a whole bunch of memories, to clear up space. It's like clearing photos from your storage. Also, they're definitely the type of person to stay up at night thinking about that one embarrassing moment from years ago, so they'd trash all of those.

Marci, on the other hand, desperately wants to forget most of its time in the lab. Especially before it met Paisley. All of that was hell for it and it wants to forget that.

Kat is a very "Sparkle off, it's Thursday, forget who you are" type of person. She doesn't want to remember a single thing and be consumed by the personality of whomever she eats. Life has not been kind to her after the war :(

Vincent would most likely want to forget his son's death. It would be so much easier to bury himself in his work if he didn't have the weight of his son's death looming over him, even if that is what caused him to become a workaholic in the first place. Either that or erase all memory and involvement in the Scepsis model, though unfortunately his name has gone down in history with that one and he will never escape it.

What's something about your OC that people wouldn't expect just from looking at them?

^This is Kat! She is a wanted war criminal across multiple planets for murder, cannibalism, and impersonation.

How easily could your OC be convinced to do something that goes against their moral compass?

Dill do you have any idea who you're talking to. I am the MASTER of the moral compass and how characters feel about it. I could write a full essay on a singular character's morals.

Moral compasses exist on a pentagram for me, with each angle being an extreme and every character existing on an extreme or somewhere in the middle. Congrats, you get all five extremes.

On the first point of the pentagon, the unbreakable and completely fucked compass. Myo, The Queen, and Flower, who may be so wrong in their actions but their compass has long been broken. The philosophy here is You cannot betray your moral compass if you don't have a compass to begin with. They're either too insane to have morals or whatever the fuck Queen is.

Second, our stubborn characters! Probably the biggest category of the extremes. Edge, Sky, Penelope, and Cosmo. While having a variety of personalities and motives, they all have very strict moral compasses. Not really strict in an uptight way, but they know where their loyalties lie and are so comfortable with that spot that it's gonna be ridiculously hard to break that. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad. It's just comfortable. However, with enough force, it can be broken- but that does require a lot of force.

On the next joint, characters like Altalune, Marion, or Anne, who's compasses are thrown to the wind every other Tuesday. High and mighty as they may think they are, both are giant hypocrites and will betray their moral compass the moment it becomes an inconvenience to their motives. There's also characters like Echo or Marc, who crumple like paper once put under the slightest pressure. They wouldn't betray their morals by themselves, but they fold like laundry when another person gives them orders.

Second to last are the traumatized folk. Gospel is probably the only real extreme of this group, but Kaizo is a very close second. This is for characters who have a strict moral compass at first, but after a certain event(s), their compass shatters and they have to go buy a new one. More often than not, that first set of morals isn't as healthy for them, and the new set helps them improve as people, but that doesn't mean it isn't earth-shatteringly traumatic and destroys everything they ever had faith in in the process.

Finally, the sporadic. Entropy! Tranquility by extent and pretty much all of my Higher Being/God/Godlike/God complex characters count too, but Entropy is the definitive extreme. The moral compass here functions like Captain Jack Sparrow's, simply pointing whatever way the character wants it to. It is fueled impulse, desire, and the Godlike arrogance and detachment from mortal life. There are no moralities, only fun and chaos.

Would your OC ostensibly be able to get away with murder?

Let's just go down the list, shall we? OCs are categorized by source material!

Beyond the Graves (OC) Marci/Marc: Normally, no, possessed than yes. And does canonically. Echo: Same as above! AJ: More likely to commit murder than the other two, but doesn't. Cosmo: Probably did? Doesn't seem like it. Queen: Definitely. Easily. Canonically. For funsies

Ivy (OC) Jenny: Nope! She would only kill someone if she had to, and she would not get away with it! Morgan: Same as above, only she's slightly more willing to commit murder Myo: Without hesitation

Project Scepsis OS (OC) Paisley: Although they do commit it, they wouldn't get away with it very well. Marci: If it would happen, it would be accidentally. It would latch on to a living organism and accidentally tear their mortal form apart. It would never do it intentionally. Kat: She eats people's organs for fun Vincent: Definitely not. Even if he is responsible for the war machine that killed hundreds if not thousands. Creator: Said war machine mentioned above

Where Time Stands Still//Stopwatch (OC) Penelope: Absolutely not. Baby girl Altalune: Definitely. And if he doesn't get away with it, then he'll kill whoever witnessed it. Tristen Kannaroe: Little bitch man. Unfortunately he has not committed murder but he would not get away with it, he would get caught, and he would get what he fucking deserves. Entropy: Do you know who we're even talking about. This is the fucking God of Chaos Tranquility: Ironically, for being the God of Death, they have never taken a life. However they would very easily get away with it if they needed to. Eternity/Stopwatch: They wouldn't do it, but they'd get away with it if they did. I think gods in general have a good track record of getting away with murder

The Religious Trauma Squad (Hollow Knight) Gospel: She wouldn't commit murder, but if she did she wouldn't leave a single trace. Eviscerated by lightning bitch Edge: Oh yeah. Absolutely. Gospel would know in a heartbeat. Marion: He put his days of murder behind him after he left the troupe! He's reformed now! (<-Nearly fought Edge to the death if Gospel hadn't stopped him)

The Horalo AU/Where Time Stands Still (A Hat In Time) Skyscreamer: Commits murder canonically and does NOT get away with it. Thanks Entropy Flower Man: Have you read the book Entropy: They are still the Deity of Chaos Kannaroe: Doesn't and don't get away with it

The Wanderer AU (A Hat In Time) Ester: Yes! The Gravedigger: Uh... does it count as murder if they're ghosts? Cathrine: Nope! Wouldn't hurt a fly <3 Adrianne: Would and get his ass caught. Idiot Tranquility: Still a pacifist!

My other AHIT OCs Anya: Nope! They'd whack you with a large branch, but that's about it. Kaizo: He would eat your insides like a muffin for breakfast.

That's as many as I can remember. Feel free to ask about any of these I guess.

[findlayccarter]

High Tide - Kick and Prance (Runner)

Dir: @rossrjohnston Prod: @kat.tweedie DoP & Edit: Eathan Currie Talent & Choreo: @hannah_collins01 Location: @mellerstainhouseandgardens MD: @alexportersmith-blog

Now that Ethan has finished the edit for the their mini passion project film I thought I'd talk about the experience of working on the shoot with them.

I got an opportunity to work with High Tide quite last minute, but I was keen to get involved because I thought it would be good to learn from a company that do a mix of commercial and art films. Also I wanted to meet Ethan, who I think it primarily a cinematographer but also does editing. Something I'd be keen to do in the future, because as much as I love editing, I like the pressure/stress of being on set and having to act on impulse sometimes. Ethan also told me that they work with Davinchi most of the time, which was reassuring to hear.

It was a 6am call time which was a shock to the system and I didn't know what we were doing until we were on the car ride down to the borders. Ethan and Alex had wanted to create something like this for a while and it worked with needing some music based work to show on a show reel - as well as working and showing off a location:

Mellerstain House is a stately home around 8 miles north of Kelso in the Borders, Scotland. It is currently the home of George Baillie-Hamilton, 14th Earl of Haddington, and is designated as a historical monument.

It was a truly stunning house and the weather was perfect creating a-lot of light beams through the windows and meaning that my job as runner was very limited in terms of doing any fill lighting etc. A lot of the work I did was just fetching and carrying stuff and helping in any small way as possible like holding the camera. The camera, weighed a ton and really made the URSA handheld setups look pathetic.

There wasn't a lot of technical aspects that I was able to pick up on, however here's a list of things that I noticed there: -

The gimbal setup seemed like a bit of a nightmare even for someone who was used to it - definitely need to have play around with one in the future.

Ross (director) and Ethan (DOP) clearly had worked alot together so there was good chemistry. But I noticed that there was alot of problems that occurred that would be resolved very quickly. I think it showed how much they had planned it out and both had a very similar and clear mindset of what to get.

Lenses - the lens was fairly wide the whole time, I want to say it was a 25. There was very few lens changes, I think there was only one and it was only for a shot of Ross being the other tourist.

Producing - Kat was great and really organised the whole day. Even though there was a time constraint and it wasn't completely stress feel, they did not seem like they were stressed at all. The whole shoot was under control with well managed breaks and other commitments in between.

Wireless monitor - I wish the screen academy had these, the setup for it was so much easier and it made the playback and reviewing so much faster. I've learned to hate plugging BNC cables in.

Overall it was a great experience seeing everyone work, and the whole setup of High Tide was something that was very appealing to me. A small but varied group of people who worked together seamlessly and worked on projects that they all enjoyed and on top of that get paid for. To me it really seemed like the perfect job to be in. I hope that they reach out again and I have the opportunity to work with them.

[jamiethetrans]

Women of SVU - Day 4 - Under the influence of strong medicine, alcohol or edibles

Alexandra Cabot x Reader

AN: Hey everyone!

Sorry about the long wait. Got a lot going on at the moment, and needed some time away to clear everything out.

I’m currently on waiting list to get testosterone/hormones for my transitioning and I’ve waited for almost six months now, so it’s taking quite a toll on me at the moment.

Plus I’m changing location of my job because I hate the current managers and everything is just going very slowly when you have a whole month ahead of you with those people still.

But I am back and I’m planning on writing more than ever!

Sorry about the spam of all the stories and chapters but needed everything transferred before deleting the account.

Hope you like this one!

- Jamie

•

"Would you say you're a charming man, mr. Brown?", Alex asked as she began her cross examination, looking down in her files. Both you and Olivia scoffed at the way the man's face instantly turned into a smirk. Not to mention the biggest one yet in the four hours the trial had taken so far.

"I would say I'm rather charming yes", he answered and Alex looked up from her papers meeting the man's eyes.

"So you don't have trouble finding women?"

The man shook his head. "No. It has never been an issue"

"Then why rape Bridget Harper?"

"Objection!", the defense called and the judge nodded.

"Withdrawn", Alex quickly said though before the judge could say anything and conitued. "Mr. Brown is it true that miss Harper worked at your firm for almost ten years before you fired her?"

"I didn't fire her, she decided to leave the company herself", he countered and Alex gave a weird smile towards him.

"It's funny you should say that”, she said walking back to her desk. “Because in this e-mail, people's exhibit fourteen, you're using the exact line 'You're fired'. And from her respones, it doesn't give any clue nor indication that she herself put down her resignation", she countered back and mr Broan immedietly froze looking down. He looked down at his fingers and you smirked as you sat next to Olivia.

"I-I didn't mean-"

"She also writes, and I qoute 'You're only firing me because I told you no. And then you raped me" You turned and wathced as Bridget let a tear fall down her cheek. "She's accusing you of raping her"

"I didn't-"

"She told you no. You couldn't take no for an answer so you raped her and fired her for it", Alex said and mr. Brown sighed and looked down. "Nothing further", she said and walked back to her seat.

Right in that moment, mr. Brown turned to one of his people from behind the defense table and one of them suddenly stood from his seat. You immediately noticed the gun in his hand, pointing it at Alex and you stood from your seat and held up your own gun.

“Drop the gun!”, you yelled and the man turned, redirecting his gun towards you. You quickly shot him in his shoulder and everyone screamed and got down on their knees.

Before you could react you heard another gunshot and felt a heavy amount of pain in your own shoulder, falling to the ground. “Y/n!”, Olivia yelled and the shooter was quickly shot down as well. She brought her hand to your shoulder and held the wound tightly.

“Stay with me y/n. Stay with me”

You felt yourself slowly getting tired as you saw the blood floating from your body and onto the wooden floor. You turned your head and saw a wave of blonde. “Y/n? Y/n stay with us”

The last thing you saw was blue eyes and a wave of blonde getting closer to your face.

•

When you opened your eyes again you saw a small hand in yours and immediately squeezed it as hard as you could but for the small hand it only came as a soft squeeze. “Mom! Mom she’s awake”, a voice yelled and you feel your head already banging.

“Ssshh, easy Noah”, a soft voice said and you turned your head slightly to see your Captain walking towards you from her seat on the couch. “Hey champ, how you feeling?”

You chuckled giving her a nod. “I’m good thanks. What happened?”

“I drove with you to the hospital while Fin drove Alex over here. They’re in the cafeteria getting some coffee”, she said and you sighed turning to Noah who stood next to his mother. You had always adored the boy and you would do anything for him.

“Hey kid”

“Hey auntie y/n”

You chuckled and right there the door opened and you all turned to see Fin and Alex walk in, Kat and Rollins following up. “Hey kid, how are you feeling?”, Fin asked and you chuckled. He always called you kid. No matter where it was.

“I’m fine Fin. My shoulder hurts like hell though”

They all gave you sad smiles and you rolled your eyes. “Don’t give me those pity looks. I’m fine”

They all let out small laughs and your eyes met Alex’s. Oh how you loved her eyes. Sea blue with a hint of choral green.

“Alright miss y/l/n”, a voice suddenly said and you all turned to see the doctor coming in. “You’re awake. How’s the shoulder? Any pain?”

You wanted to be strong. Show your strength to your colleagues, to Alex. You wanted to show it to Noah, showing him you were his strong aunt that could survive anything. But the pain was just too unbearable. So you nodded and moved your neck away from him.

Olivia walked over to Fin and squeezed his shoulder. “We should let her be”, she whispered and Fin nodded. She turned to Kat and Rollins and they both understood the gesture.

They all left the room after goodbyes to you and that left Alex standing alone by the end of the bed. “I will give you some pain relievers, it should hold the pain down for a while”, the doctor said and you nodded. He walked out of the room and you turned meeting Alex’ eyes.

“Hey you”, she whispered and you smiled softly, trying to hold back the tears. She walked over to you and let her hand softly squeeze yours. “God you scared the crap out of me”, she said and you chuckled.

“Sorry. But I’m fine. I’m getting painkillers and I will get better, okay?”

She nodded and gave you a weak smile, your hands tangled together.

•

When you opened your eyes you immediately noticed you were alone. You turned your head and saw the bright light shine through the curtains. You felt yourself getting light headed, not able to control your own brain. It felt like that anyway.

The door opened and you Olivia walked in, Fin right behind her. “Eeey, my cap and my serg”, you said with a lousy smile. The two shared a look and you held out your hand for Olivia to take.

“How is my beautiful Captain today, mmh?”, you asked and the woman couldn’t stop herself from chuckling.

“I’m fine y/n, how are you?”

“Oh pft! I’m fine!”, you said with a pitched voice and Fin frowned at your behavior. Olivia simply chuckled, happy to see you in a better mood than yesterday.

The door opened again and you widened your eyes at the sight your partner. “Katty. Katty! Oh my god I have missed you so much!”, you said with a wide smile and Kat frowned with a smile at the nickname, turning to Olivia who simply shook her head.

“I’ve missed you too girl”, she said and you smiled wide.

“Oh of course you do. You and I? We are the best partners in New York!”, you said and extended a turned fist towards her. She smiled at the action and extended her own turned fist towards yours, doing your handshake. Up and down, meet in the middle for a fist bump before making a finger gun, firing it off.

The door opened again and Alex walked in, a file in her hands. Your eyes widened and smiled wide. “Alex!”

The blonde turned to you and smiled. “Y/n. How are you feeling?”

“Oh I am so good! I feel like I’m on fire! And that’s not just because of the meds”, you said giving her a wink and Alex’ cheeks reddened at a blush. Kat raised her eyebrows turning to Amanda who looked just as shocked.

“You guys wanna know a secret?”, you asked chuckling, feeling yourself getting higher. “I’m secretly in love with Alex”, you half whispered, holding your hand to the side of your mouth, meeting Kat’s eyes.

Kat widened her eyes, Amanda slamming her palm to her mouth while Fin turned to the others. Olivia turned to Alex who stood frozen in place looking at you.

It had only been a week since the blonde had come to her apartment and confessed her feelings for you. They had talked about it for hours, Alex practically exploding her heart into the apartment.

“But don’t tell her!”, you said obviously to the tension filling up between the others. “She doesn’t feel the same so please don’t”

Kat found herself nodded with a smile. “Of course partner”

You smiled nodding and soon you fell asleep, the meds taking all of your energy out.

•

The day you went back to work, you had your arm in a sling, your shoulder completely covered in bandages. Kat was the first to notice you as you stepped into the squad room and she stood from her seat faster than ever before.

You groaned at the tightness of her hug, feeling your shoulder complaining at the amount of pressure. “Sorry”, she whispered and you shook your head.

“S’okay”

You made your handshake before you turned and saw Amanda standing ready. You let her hug you as well, though a little softer. “How you feeling?”

“Better. The painkillers are definitely doing their job”, you said and the two women shared a look making you frowned at them. “What?”

“Nothing”, they both said in unison and you raised a perfect eyebrow at them as Amanda walked back to her seat. You shook it off and sat down by your desk, feeling relief wash over your body as you were finally back to work. God how you’ve missed it.

You sat and worked on a few reports for the next hour and you were almost done when you heard the familiar heels sounding through the entire squad room. You turned and met Alex’s eyes and the woman gave you a linear smile.

“Detective. Good to see you back on your feet”, she said and you sat completely tranced in her beauty. And completely unaware of what had happened at the hospital.

“It’s good to be back”, you said in a haste, blinking your eyes and she smiled at you. “I’ve missed working”, you continued.

“Of course you have. You’re a workaholic. Working is what you’re best at”, she said and you froze for a moment looking at her.

“Are you o–“

“Alex. Good you could make it”, Olivia came and interrupted and you watched as the blonde followed the brunette inside.

“You okay?”, a voice sounded through your ears and you turned to Tamin who gave you a soft smile.

“Yeah. Yeah I’m good. Wha... what was that about?”

“You don’t remember?”

You frowned at her quizzed expression and you shook your head gently. You had absolutely no idea what had happened. “What?”

Tamin turned to Rollins who sighed with a nod, telling her you deserved to know. Taming turned back to you who still sat with a frown.

“You were high on meds. You…”, she trailed off.

“I what?”

“You… you confessed your feelings for Alex to me”, she said and you blushed hard.

“Uhm… okay. Well, that’s not that ba–“

“While everyone else was there too”, she continued and this time you froze.

“You… you mean…”, you were unable to finish and both Tamin and Rollins nodded their heads.

All the color suddenly drained from your face and you turned towards Liv’s office and instantly met Alex’s eyes.

Shit

•

“Another?”

You turned to the sound and noticed the bartender standing in front of you, looking down at your now empty glass of scotch.

“Yeah sure”

The bartender took the bottle and poured, you watching the liquid fall into the glass.

“You sure that’s healthy for you?”, a voice suddenly asked and you turned to see Olivia standing next to you.

“Well, it’s too late now”, you said and Olivia rolled her eyes with a smile and sat down next to you, the bartender immediately noticing.

“Captain?”

Olivia shook her head with a smile at the question before turning to you. “You should talk to Alex. She’s been absolutely out her mind since you got shot”, she said and you chuckled.

“Really? She’s not scared since I basically confessed my heart out in front of everyone?”, you said and Olivia chuckled.

“Well you’re not the only one who’s confessed their heart out”

You frowned at her and Olivia smiled. “She adores you y/n. She absolutely adores you. Go talk to her”

You sat and stared at your drink for a moment debating your thoughts before standing from your seat. “Thanks Liv”

Olivia smiled at the kiss she received on her cheek before watching you leave the bar faster than ever before. She smiled and looked down at your still full glass and turned to the bartender. “Give me her tab”

•

It was just past ten when Alex heard a knocking on her door, frowning at the sudden guest at this time. She stood from the coach, turning the tv down before walking over to the front door.

When she opened she met your eyes and froze. “Y/n?”

You stood still staring into her eyes and Alex felt herself blush under your gaze. You stood for a solid minute staring into each other’s eyes, her blue ones the most beautiful ones you ever laid your eyes on.

“You want to come in?”, Alex suddenly asked and you nodded walking in. You noticed the tv and smiled.

“Say yes to the bride”, you read and turned to the prosecutor who blushed.

“What? I like the program”, she said and you smiled.

“It’s okay, I’m not judging. I like it too”, you said, trying to make her feel better about her little guilty pleasure. You caught yourself staring into her eyes again and blushed hard clearing your throat.

“May I… May I watch it… with you?”

Alex smiled at the small voice you used to ask and nodded. “I’d love that”

You smiled wide and sat down in the couch, Alex sitting next to you. You were about five minutes in when Alex began commenting on the dresses, and you laughed every time. Either they were too ugly or too big or just didn’t suit the woman who was wearing it.

“Wow Alex, if I knew you would be so savage with this program, I would have watched it with you sooner”

“Shut up”, she said hitting your arm and you laughed making her smile as well.

“This is nice”, you said after a while and she smiled. She laid her head on your shoulder, her hand squeezing your arm and you felt yourself blush.

“You know, don’t you?”, you asked into the silence and Alex turned to you, her eyes meeting yours. Your faces were so close now and you felt your heart beat faster.

“Know what?”

You knew she was challenging you. You could see it in her eyes. She wanted you to say it.

“That I have feelings for you”, you whispered and Alex stared into your eyes for a while, her hand coming to softly stroke your cheek.

“You should know too then”, she said and you furrowed your eyebrows.

“Know what?”

“That I have feelings for you too”

Before you could get a word out, she brought your face closer and brought your lips together in a chaste kiss.

[australiancarisi]

12 with olivia benson please!

Words: 2550 Remember when I said these were gonna be drabbles… also Nick, Rafael, Mike & Kat are in this because I love them all thx for coming to my ted talk

‘how is my wife more badass than me?’

You groaned as you rolled over to Liv’s side of the bed to turn the blaring alarm off. It took a lot of effort and tries but you eventually managed to turn it off with a huff. You wrapped the blanket around you, closed your eyes and snuggled into Liv’s pillow. You peeped an eye open when you heard Liv chuckle.

“What” you mumbled

“You are just adorable” Liv smiled from the doorway to your bathroom

“Why are you out of bed?” you whined rolling onto you back

“Because although it is your day off my love, it is not mine” Liv said and headed back into the bathroom to continue getting ready.

“But the alarm only just went off. If I’m going to be woken up early on my day off a mere five hours after getting home from my shift, I should get cuddles” you demanded. “I’m not joking” you said as Liv laughed at you. You sat up slightly when you noticed your bedroom door slowly open “here’s my cuddles”

“y/n” Noah ran up and jumped onto the bed and got straight into your arms

“Hello sweet boy, how do you have so much energy at 6 in the morning” you grinned smothering his face with kisses. Noah’s laugh had to up there as one of your favourite sounds, so pure, so innocent. Liv leant against the door frame and watched the two of you together. She had been so nervous when the two of you had started dating about how Noah would take to you, but from the moment he met you, he was glued to your side and you were wrapped around his little finger. Even now, two years into your marriage and nothing had changed.

“See this could have been all yours but now Noah gets all the cuddles” you squeezed him a little tighter making him giggle.

“Alright you two” Liv playfully rolled eyes “Come on Noah let’s get you ready for school before Lucy gets here”

“Nooooo”

“Yesssss” Liv teased him

“But I wanna stay with y/n” 

“I can get him ready” you said with a yawn

“The only thing you are going to do is go back to sleep” Liv said

“But-“

“No buts. You didn’t get home until 1am you need to sleep my love” Liv pecked your lips and reached out to Noah, who just snuggled into you “Noah” he whined again. Your schedule had been all over the place lately. You had been doing doubles and night shifts for the last few weeks, you had barely seen Liv let alone Noah, it was no wonder he was clinging to you

“Go on sweet boy, I promise I’ll be there to pick you up after school” you kissed his forehead

“Promise?” He asked holding his pinkie up. You wrapped yours around his.

“Pinkie promise. 3 o’clock. I’ll be there” with the promise of seeing you later agreed on Noah left.

“Get some sleep my love” Liv smiled kissing you again before turning off the lights leaving you to catch up some much-needed rest.

When you woke up again it was nearly 11am. You jumped up pottered around the house, cleaning up Noah’s toys, putting away any dishes and things that were lying around and doing some laundry. These were your favourite type of days, where you just chilled at home, cleaned and were able to do things at your own pace.

“To what do I owe the pleasure Captain” you grinned, answering your phone

“Do I need a reason to call my wife?” Liv asked. You could basically hear her rolling her eyes.

“No, but it is out of the ordinary”

“What are you doing?” Liv asked, changing the subject

“Just about to leave actually, going to meet Jas for lunch at the café down the street. Even put on jeans for the occasion” You locked the door as you headed out to meet your friend.

“Wow fancy…” she trailed off and you could hear her talking to Sonny and Amanda

“How busy are you today?” you asked when you heard her lift her phone back to her ear

“You don’t even want to know… that’s why I called I doubt I’ll be home for dinner”

“It’s okay- “

“No, it's not” Liv cut you off with a frustrated sigh “I need to be home more, I need to spend more time with you and Noah and- “

“And you need to work. Because it’s what you love, because you are helping the people that need it. You are a good police officer, the best actually. Noah and I can handle a few late nights. Besides Noah needs something to be mad about when he’s a teenager” you joked. You smiled as you heard Liv chuckle a little. You hated how much pressure put on herself to be perfect at everything.

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Liv asked

“Once or twice but I’ll never grow tired of hearing it”

“I love you”

“I love you too, I’ll see you when I’m looking at you, be safe”

“Always”

“You know you have a stupid look on your face” your friend and co-worker Jas said as you met out the front of the café while hanging up the phone

“It’s called love, you should try it sometime” you teased

“No thank you” Jas replied with a laugh. The two of you sat in the busy café and caught up on everything outside of work. Jas told you about one of the many guys she had on the go at the moment, you gushed about Liv and Noah.

“I mean seriously if I could I’d shove my foot where the sun doesn’t shine” Jas huffed bitching about one of your co-workers.

“I should probably go, need to run a couple of errands before I pick up Noah” You looked at your phone double-checking the time, an hour before you had to get Noah. You and Jas went to stand up when all hell broke loose. Everything changed in a split second. One moment you were sitting there with your friend having an amazing day and the next you were hiding under a table as a man held the café at gunpoint.

“NOBODY MOVE” he screamed turning in a circle with his gun pointed and ready to shoot. “NO ONE MOVES NO ONE CALLS THE COPS” You slowly and quietly got your phone out.

“What are you doing?” Jas whispered, her voice shaking in fear “did you not just hear him?”

“There’s no way I’m not texting Liv” you huffed

Liv sighed as she waited for the coffee machine to brew a new jug. Her eyes felt like they were going to fall out after all the paperwork she had been doing all day. All her detectives had been out either talking to victims or following leads so all she had done today was sit at her desk and do paperwork and reply to emails. Picking up her cup, Liv headed back out to the squad room as she heard everyone return. As Amanda was filling everyone in on the lead that she and Sonny had been following when everyone’s phone buzzed, and officers began moving.

“Café being held at gunpoint” Fin frowned

“Unknown gunman, unknown reason” Kat read from her phone

“I wonder which one” Sonny thought aloud

“Café 98” Liv almost threw her coffee on the nearest desk running into her office to grab her gun and badge.

“How do you know?” Fin asked

“Y/n is there”

Half an hour had passed, you could now hear the sirens of police officers in the distance, Liv responded and told you she was on the way and it was going to be okay. It was only words, but you’d be lying if you said it didn’t make you feel better. The gunman was shouting at the café workers, blaming them for everyone being taken hostage because they didn’t give him money. You took deep breaths and tried to stay calm. The café phone rang, then again and again.

“Someone shut that fucking phone up!” the man yelled

“It’s going to keep ringing” your mouth said before your mind could stop you

“What was that bitch?” He started moving towards you. You slowly stood up, hands in the air.

“The p-phone. It’s the police. They want to talk, and they are going to keep calling until you answer” you stuttered, your confidence slowly falling.

“How would you know?” He sneered “you a cop?”

“No!” you quickly exclaimed “uh no I’m not but I am married to one. My wife is the captain at the 16th” you pulled your phone out of your pocket to show him your lock screen. It was a picture of you and Liv – her in her uniform - when she promoted to captain.

“You answer it then” he motioned with the gun towards the phone. You slowly walked over to the counter, focused on the man and the gun and picked up the phone.

“Hello” you said

“Hello, this is Captain Mike Dodds who is this?” you breathed a sigh of relief at the familiar voice.

Olivia jumped out of the car at the scene, almost before Fin had actually stopped the car. It was chaos. Uniforms were holding back the public as well as journalists. There were lights flashing and being screaming. Olivia could hear people asking if it was a terrorist attack but right now, she didn’t care about motive, all she wanted was to get you out of there. Flashing her badge, she and the rest of the squad were let through and they headed towards ground zero.

“Who’s in charge?” Liv asked a nearby uni who pointed her in the direction. She had a small smile when she saw Mike and Nick hunched over a table. “Captain Dodds, Sargant Amaro”

“Liv” the pair frowned “what are you guys doing here? This is major crimes’ not svu”

“y/n is in there” Fin said

“So what do you know?” Liv asked

“Not a lot. No contact has been made yet. We’re about to try again” Nick said as Mike lifted the phone to his ear.

“Hello, this is Captain Mike Dodds who is this?” Mike asked, his eyes met Liv and he quickly put the phone onto speaker. “y/n is anyone hurt?

“No, no one is hurt. There’s probably about 30 of us in here” hearing your voice was music to Liv’s ears. Mike asked you a few more questions, not that you were able to give him much more information.

“Mike, I need you to tell Liv someone has to get Noah, I was supposed to pick him up from school and he’s going to be so upset if I’m not there” Liv turned to her squad, she hadn’t even thought of Noah.

“I’m on it” Sonny nodded pulling his phone out and moving away from everyone.

The fact that Mike was the person on the other end of the line made you a little less anxious. You tried to give him as much info as possible, but the gunman was not giving you anything, he wouldn’t even tell them what he wanted. 

“Mike, I need you to tell Liv someone has to get Noah, I was supposed to pick him up from school and he’s going to be so upset if I’m not there and-“

“Alright that’s enough” the gunman grabbed the phone out of your hand and hung up. You quickly moved back to your spot under the table. The gunman was growing anxious, pacing around the room, it was clear he didn’t have a plan.

“There’s a back door” Jas whispered “a few of us could get out”

“I’ll distract him”

“I think Liv would kill me if I left you in here” Jas huffed

“If you get out the police can get it, she’ll live with it” you slowly stood back up “you should really stay away from the windows”

“What?” the man spat at you

“The police, they’ll be looking for a spot for a sniper to take you out” you walked towards him, moving around so he kept his eyes on you. Jas and a couple others started to creep towards the door. You were racking your brain trying to remember everything Liv had ever told you about hostage situations.

“Shouldn’t you stay away from the windows to then?”

“My wife’s a cop. You don’t think she’s out there?” you chuckled “And the guy on the phone before? He was her number 2 not too long ago, he got promoted not too long before my wife, he goes to my son’s dance recitals, he’s not gonna let anything happen to me. I doubt there is an officer that doesn’t know what I look like. They aren’t going to shoot me, but they will shoot you” your eyes swept the room quickly, Jas was out.

“Then maybe I should just shoot you” he held the gun to your face. You held your breath and closed your eyes. You thought of Liv and Noah and how much you loved them. Suddenly the back door opened and your eyes shot open.

“NYPD!” the gunman’s attention turned to the police officers, then, without thinking you grabbed the gun and his arm, flipping him to the ground. You quickly ripped the gun from his hand and took it apart.

“Seems you learnt some tricks over the years” Mike grinned coming up to you as one of the other officers handcuffed the man. You wrapped your arms around him and relaxed, you were okay, everyone was okay.

“She’s out there right?” you needed your wife right now

“did you expect her to be anywhere else?” Nick smirked joining you and Mike. He wrapped his arm around you too “took almost everyone to keep her from busting through the door herself” you grinned at that. Classic Liv. Mike and Nick lead you out the front door of the café. The moment you stepped out you found Liv. She was standing with Jas and the rest of the squad. Her eyes locked with yours and you thought you were going to start crying. The two of you ran to each other, throwing your arms around the other.

“Oh my love” Liv squeezed you “are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I’m okay” you whisper into her neck

“She’s more than okay” Mike said, you pulled back from Liv’s arms. The rest of the squad joined you. “not only did she distract him to get those guys out, when we came in she grabbed his gun and disarmed him”

“Nice” Kat grinned, clearly impressed

“How is my wife more badass than me?” Liv grinned and kissed your forehead

“Learnt from the best” you responded “Noah…”

“All covered, Raf’s got him” Sonny said “He’s no y/n but I’m sure Noah was just as excited to see Uncle Rafa”

“Probably more” you laughed, you grabbed Liv’s hand and squeezed “Let’s go see our son”

“Anything you want my love” Liv kissed your lips “I’m so proud of you”

[kissmetwicekissmedeadly]

Oh Kat :( Out of all of this I'm concerned the most about you writing for others and not for yourself, but I'm willing to see your point. It happens often to me, I daydream a lot and when i catch myself thinking "this would make a good fic" i have to make sure I'm not putting pressure on myself. in a way yeah it's as if you're offering this as a gift to others, like here's whats in my brain, it took me 2 hours to make it so you can experience my thoughts too. and to me the solution to this is, you gotta find something that makes it worth it to post other than the notes and the feedback. for me this is the documentation of these thoughts. because when they're in your head they start to fade with time but when they're on paper you can revisit them in their full glory LMAO yes I'm talking even about a theo smut fic, especially about a theo smut fic. also yeah writing without posting is a thing but if you're like me you wouldn't put in the same effort so...

also the fulfillment of having a collection of something that you carefully constructed, each one bit by bit. my fics are like my children, i love them all even if I've forgotten some of their names oops

i dont want to sound like a philosopher or try to change your mind on something that I'm sure you've already spent enough time thinking on, i just. genuinely hope you're having a healthy approach to this thing. because it's scary to start feeling weird about your hobby to the point where you don't want to do it anymore. i know there's plenty of outside factors and i can only wish you a better job opportunity in the near future, i really really hope things get better for you.

as for the fandom having been more interactive than how it is right now, Ive already talked about this awhile ago but i...don't think so? especially when you say that people arent talking to each other, when that's all I'm seeing on my dash. there's so much going on now, more than ive ever seen before. when i was lurking on the tag back in the early days of ikevamp EN, there were tons of posts every day but those people didn't necessarily talk to each other, they were just co-existing. does anyone remember the ikemen-writers-of-discord or something like that? it was a large writing community that posted under one blog, so many creators listed on there. in my eyes that was a pretty big deal. i was just starting off with my writing and i secretly hoped to get in there one day. now i look back at it, and it turns out the notes they've accumulated are mostly likes. it could be that i stumbled upon the wrong fics for this conclusion, but still, it makes me think that people were a lot more shy back then! whereas now we do so many things to make the community feel warmer. there are tons of challenges, we encourage ocs which is a pretty big thing for prompting interactions between blogs, we're roleplaying like never before, we also have more cybird games so there's always something to talk about... i know people are going to hate me for this but i think this is the best time to be a part of the ikemen fandom on tumblr.it's very easy to fall for nostalgia blues and i miss the early days as well but we shouldn't dwell too much on it right? try talking to people again! maybe you just couldn't mash well with the last one(s) you approached but that shouldn't stop you from trying! and of course don't push yourself either... for this or for writing. kinktober is a serious deal. ive only completed it once. you shouldn't aim to complete it every year :( you're gonna burn out big time and we don't want that

thank you for respecting my choice, Kat. just you wait until i cure my depression and i binge some of your stuff again KJHKFHG

A YEAR IN THE MAKING

You know this BIG project I keep mentioning??

A good amount of you have guessed it, some of you know all about it because I've been bouncing ideas off of you to help me with the thought process.

SALAÌ IS GETTING HIS OWN ROUTE!!!!

Long story short.. it was supposed to be 8-10 chapters. It was going to be a speed run route. It's obvs not a real route it can be quick and not so indepth right? Right?

It's 20 chapters. With 3 side stories and an Episode 0.

There were going to be 4 cgs but... Art is pricey and well... honestly.. his route isn't even canon.

In Salaìs route, you, the mc, meet Salaì as he's painting in town. He's there looking for someone but you don't know who. But you get closer to him, going on little dates.. having no choice but to stay at his place for a night, helping him get his art shown in a gallery...and then it falls apart

I will be posting each chapter separately. There will be 3-4 days between each chapter. I will have a tag list. If you are tagged on this post you are already part of it. If you'd like to be part of it just comment saying so.

Minor details: so he has 3 side stories plus the episode 0...those will not be posted here. I've put so much work into this.. literally started August 25th last year...they will be available on Kofi as the chapters related to them are posted. They will only $1. You don't need these side stories for the main story just like in the game so please don't complain about me putting 4 of these behind a pay wall.

Info on the route itself: I will be staying this once I start posting it but through the story I will be calling him Salaì..but for a good part of it he goes by a different name. It shouldn't be confusing but he does have three names after all. Also I said his route isn't canon, meaning his route does not line up with his actual lore. In no way would Salai chose Mc over Leonardo, and I also don't put all of trauma of his in here bc its not really the focus, and like I said.. not even canon. BUT I AM WILLING TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS AT ANY GIVEN TIME. I also have @ask-salai where you can ask questions about it too if you would want HIM to answer and not me.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY HOPE YOU GUYS READ AND INTERACT WITH THIS.

Not trying to be threatening... But if this doesn't do well... I'm not sure if I'll continue writing. This is a years worth of work. Reblogs really do mean a lot to me. I want feedback. I want to know what you guys think.

I still need to proof read it all and doubt check some things but I wanted to get the word out about what I was doing.

@chandeliermichel @kissmetwicekissmedeadly @fang-and-feather @namine-somebodies-nobody @evil-quartett @lokis-laugh @candied-boys @breadmercury @aquagirl1978 @xenokiryu @lulu-the-smol-floof @tako-cafe @floydsteeth @spoopy-fish-writes @weird-profiterole

[stubbychaos]

A Guilty Conscience

Chapter 10 of Saviin’ika

Part 1|Part 2|Part 3|Part 4|Part 5|Part 6|Part 7|Part 8|Part 9

Masterlist

Pairing: Paz Vizsla x Nurse!Reader

Summary: While you get used to your new role in the tribe, you make it your mission to meet the ones who are to be your family. While befriending some unlikely members of the tribe, Paz later surprises you with something that he thinks will make you happy, though it ends up having the opposite effect.

Rating: T

Word Count: 14,000 *Y’all idk how this happened, I’m so sorry lol*

Warnings: Some unresolved sexual tension, minor injuries and reader still dealing with a bunch of past trauma. Other than that, this chapter is pretty harmless!

Just a quick mention: Thank you as always to @datmando for inspiring me and giving me so many amazing ideas for this story!! You’ve helped me so much with this story and getting through writer’s block and I freaking love you <3 Thank you as well to @aerynwrites @hdlynnslibrary and @maybege for all being wonderful and I love you all for motivating me to write more Paz!!

Also thank you to @coredrive​ for the beautiful gifs you made!! If anyone wants quality gifs for their stories, masterlists, etc... please go to Kat because she was so freaking lovely and sweet!!

“Would you like one of my shirts, ner cyare?”

You turn around, coming face to face with an unarmored Paz who is sitting on the foot of the bed, his forearms lazily resting on top of his thighs as he observes the way you hopelessly shift the torn, silky fabric in your hands. You turn to face the culprit who is currently curled up in a white rocky ball close to the furnace in the main area of Paz’s private quarters, seeming completely unbothered and not regretful that she had used your only sleep attire as a chewing toy while you were in the shower and Paz was talking to the armorer.

“That would be nice, thank you,” You murmur softly, watching with a smile as he promptly stands and makes his way over to the dresser near his bed while you discard the torn, silky fabric.

Though a few days have passed since the fight without incident--much to your appreciation--you notice Paz acting differently around you and while it’s not in a bad way by any means, it still has your curiosity growing. You notice how he almost seems worried about letting you stray too far from him, though you’re certain it’s not because he’s concerned one of his own will hurt you again, but perhaps he has the same fears you hold in your very own heart. While you’ve only been with the tribe for three days, you find yourself getting less sleep with every passing day, afraid that when you wake up, you’ll be right back at the village infirmary with your estranged father.

Perhaps he’s anxious that if he lets you out of his sight, you’ll randomly decide to leave without a word or trace.

The thought amuses you and also fills your heart with grief, wondering how the Mandalorian could possibly conjure the thought of you even thinking about leaving the place that had quickly become your safe haven.

“I’m going to shower, if you want to change,” Paz gruffly voices as he approaches you with a thick, black garment and you perk up a little upon feeling how warm it is--how warm it will keep you.

Once the Mandalorian is in the refresher, you’re quick to strip your clothes, smiling softly as you neatly fold the emerald, long-sleeved dress that Ima had found for you in a designated stack of clothes that wasn’t being worn by anyone in the tribe. Once you are only in your shorts, you grab Paz’s black shirt that he must wear over all his padding and sheepishly tug it over your head, instantly relishing in how it smells just like him--all woodsy and spicy and just like the soap he uses. The material is incredibly thick, though it’s not stiff and doesn’t make it feel like you’re suffocating; it feels soft and comforting against your bare skin, engulfing you so warmly just like one of his embraces, though you still long for the intense pressure of his arms around you. The sleeves that usually come to an end just above his elbows now fall just a few inches above your wrists and the hem skims the middle of your thighs.

As you sit on the edge of the bed and get to work on tending to your braids and all the tangles from the hair you had chosen to leave down, you think of how surreal everything still feels and how all the horrors you had ever dreamed about running away from are currently above you in the village. You try your hardest not to think about it, and instead, your mind wanders to the tribe and its intimidating, rambunctious warriors that you’ve been interacting with in the covert for the past few days.

It’s been… an interesting experience, to say the least.

For people who you used to be terrified of until recently, you think it’s somewhat surprising as well as amusing that Paz had been correct when he mentioned them being quite mischievous when it came to you, though you’re certain most of it comes from you being an outsider and not understanding their language. It had already happened a couple times where you would be exploring the enclave, trying to memorize the tunnels and where different ones led, and you would run into a small group of Mandos speaking in their native tongue as you shyly approached them to introduce yourself.

Most of the time they would simply peer down at you while informing you that they already knew who you were--that they had seen you standing your ground against Paz, which apparently nobody in the tribe had ever really done before. It was quite interesting seeing everyone’s perspective towards their heavy-infantry warrior, how they knew him to be one of the strongest in the tribe and how they respected him for it. However, it was also slightly amusing that they seemed to have no problem making jokes at his expense--talking about how they were glad you were at the covert so he would stop being grouchy and angry all the time.

Ima, you found, was the exact same way, although she had no qualms about berating the man she called her uncle to his face.

Seeing the way the teenager and your blue warrior interacted with one another felt like some sort of special phenomenon that you had never really witnessed before--a relationship stronger than that between a sister and a brother, but not quite as profound as one between a daughter and father. You thought uncle and niece was a good way to describe it and though you’re curious as to why Ima doesn’t call anyone else in the tribe ‘brother’ or ‘sister’, you decide it’s better not to ask for the sake of accidentally bringing up a sad memory.

You’re too deep into your thoughts that you don’t notice a hulking figure emerge from the refresher minutes later, a few water droplets dripping down his shoulders and back as he mindlessly observes you combing through your hair with your fingers.

A small cough startles you and you turn your head to gaze at Paz, his helmet slightly tilted to the side as he stares at you through the guise of that unforgiving visor. Your fingers are still threaded in your damp hair, your bare legs dangling off the side of his bed with your sock-clad toes barely skimming the stone floor as you blink owlishly at him, still not used to seeing him expose so much of his skin.

He’s not saying anything and it has you slightly worried--have you done something wrong? 

“Paz, are you okay?”

His bare, broad shoulders tense upwards when you shift on the bed, finally working through a stubborn tangle as you tilt your head at him; you find yourself doing that a lot more lately and you think being surrounded by so many Mandalorians has their little mannerisms rubbing off on you.

You move to get up when he doesn't say anything, now worried that you really have done something wrong, but Paz shakes his head and squashes your worries immediately.

"No--I mean, yes," He huffs and shakes his helmet a little harder when you stand up next to the bed to pull the thick fur away from the pillows it's tucked under while he moves to turn off the lights, "I'm fine, just a little tired, cyare."

You nod your understanding, feeling your own exhaustion creeping up on you, though today had been a relatively easy day in regards to treating scrapes and bruises. You’ve come to find that some of the younger, less trained Mandalorians aren’t exactly the most graceful on their feet, some tripping over their own capes while descending staircases, while others who are less skilled with blades or blasters manage to slip up and injure themselves. It’s definitely not the kind of injuries you’re used to tending--minor ones--but you find it much more pleasant and rewarding than your job in the village, especially when everyone here has treated you politely, for the most part.

You know that even while you had been accepted into the tribe, it doesn’t quite make you part of the family to some, especially to those who still felt as though you should swear the creed to be fully accepted. It was a big detail you had worried about quite a bit, whether or not you would have to swear the creed and wear a helmet just as the rest of them, but you think that perhaps it is a topic you should speak to the armorer about.

You slide underneath the heavy fur and exhale a content sigh, reminding yourself that such worries could wait until morning.

A yawn leaves you just as you hear the quiet hiss of Paz’s helmet being removed before he places it on his nightstand and a tired smile stretches your lips when you feel the mattress dip underneath the weight of the warrior’s body.

Before you can even turn to face him, his huge arm is wrapped around your waist and he’s carefully moving you closer to him; an intense warmth spreads throughout your cheeks when he holds you close, your back pressed firmly against his chest as he wastes no time in placing a kiss to the top of your damp hair. You can feel the heat from his bare chest already spreading throughout your entire body and you curl your legs back to press your feet against his bare ankles.

He lets out a small huff as he curls his fingers into the soft material of his shirt covering your abdomen and leans down to press a tender kiss to your cheek, “You are lucky I love you, or else I would not let you wear socks in our bed.”

The ‘our bed’ comment definitely doesn’t go over your head and you hold back a giggle when he sighs against your warm skin, his thumb stroking firm circles near your belly button, “I cannot help it that my feet are always cold.”

His chest rumbles with a soft laugh as he settles behind you, his hand moving a little lower to your hip, just underneath where your cauterized wound is still healing, and he gives you a gentle squeeze, “I told you that you’d do nothing to warm our bed up, mesh’la, I knew I was right. You’re always freezing.”

“If I recall correctly, you told me that you would not mind keeping me warm,” You remind him of what he had said the night he had told you his name, your cheeks growing hot when you feel his lips against the outer shell of your ear, “And you are doing no such thing, ori kebiin.”

“You are a funny woman,” Paz is still trying not to laugh as his hand comes up to cup your jaw, long fingers splayed widely against your burning cheeks, “You feel plenty warm to me, sweetheart.”

Realizing that there’s no way of beating the Mandalorian at his own game, you give up and simply shuffle your curled toes between his calves, making him grunt a little when he feels the blocks of ice that are your sock-clad feet through the material of his sleep pants. He cups your jaw and urges your head to the side a little, using his thumb that’s pressed to the corner of your lips to seek them out with his own.

This close intimacy is certainly another thing you’ve noticed since you forgave him after the fight--him wanting to kiss and touch you whenever it’s just the two of you. It’s definitely something you don’t mind, you realize as his tongue firmly swipes across your bottom lip, and you find yourself growing more comfortable and relaxed when it comes to accepting little touches from him. You can tell that it’s something he’s nervous about when you two are just laying in his bed, wide awake when sleep refuses to wrap itself around the two of you--that he’s worried something he does will set you off.

He always tries to keep his touches to your thighs and hips feather-light after politely asking if it’s okay for him to touch you there and a part of you wonders if he’s already concluded that you’re simply not used to people asking you for consent when it comes to certain things.

Even if it’s not the reason why, you’re still grateful he always asks and his consideration fills your heart with warmth whenever he seems so hellbent on making sure you’re comfortable when you two find yourself in these sort of intimate settings. It doesn’t necessarily feel like it’s him testing your boundaries, but more so him seeing what you like and what gets certain noises out of you, though you find your skin quite sensitive to every nip and lick he inflicts on you.

A part of you is grateful that he usually lies on his back when the two of you are holding one another, as the thought of being pinned underneath anyone again, even your blue warrior, lingers like a storm cloud in the back of your mind.

Currently, however, you focus on the way his fingers tentatively curl around your thigh, just below the hem of the shirt he had given you and your lashes flutter as he guides your head back a little so he has more access to your throat. He seems a little more eager tonight, you think, and as his fingers curl into the thick fabric at your thighs while he dutifully presses tender kisses to your sensitive skin, you start to slowly put the pieces together.

“Paz?” His name comes out in the form of a breathy whisper as he settles back to press a kiss into your damp hair.

He still seems slightly dazed as he brings his arm back to curl tightly around your waist, “Hm?”

“Earlier, when you were staring at me when you came out of the shower,” You grin a little when you feel the way his arms tense around your middle, “Was it… is it because I’m wearing your shirt?”

Paz huffs an amused noise and you’re certain you’ve left him flustered for once as he slowly shifts his body until he’s able to rest his chin against the slope of your neck, “I like the way you look in anything, cyare, but something about seeing you wearing my clothes--it does things to me. I can’t say that I am upset that your vulptex tore up your nightgown, not with how beautiful you look right now.”

“You can’t even see me right now, silly man.”

“I don’t need to,” He mumbles, his beard scratching your sensitive skin as he lazily tends to all the little marks he left behind with his lips and teeth the previous night, “I remember everything about you, ner cyare, like how your eyes always get big whenever you see me taking off my armor and my clothes. Perhaps my sweet little nurse isn’t as innocent as I thought.”

You nearly let out with a whimper when you feel his tongue on your skin, your cheeks burning furiously as his hand cautiously grazes up your thigh, “Is this okay?”

His tepid breath fanning along the column of your throat makes you shiver a little and your voice cracks a little when you speak, “Y-Yeah.”

“Yeah?” He repeats with a soft sigh, his hand moving past the little shorts you typically wear to bed and up to your bare hip, just underneath where your blaster wound is still tender, though not nearly causing you as much pain, “Stars, your skin is so damn soft and your hair smells good--just like those flowers you’re always wearing.”

You let your eyes close as he continues to explore your stomach with feather-like strokes, seeming content to simply warm you with his large hand and you feel your thighs clench together firmly when he rubs a sensitive spot just underneath your belly button. His hands are leaving a scorching blaze in their wake and you feel a deep shudder wrack your body upon feeling the wet, open-mouthed kisses he’s leaving just underneath your earlobe. 

Despite the ache between your thighs, you jump when his fingertips barely graze just above the hem of your shorts and he immediately freezes upon feeling the tension in your body.

“I’m sorry,” Your ears grow hot with shame and you think he must be frustrated with you for not feeling ready to be intimate on this kind of level yet, “I just--”

“Hey, don’t you dare ever apologize for knowing when you’re not ready,” He whispers, moving his lips away from your jaw and removing his hand from underneath the shirt he let you borrow, “I shouldn’t have done that--I should have asked first.”

“It’s okay,” You weakly reassure him, smiling softly when he politely fixes your shirt, dragging the hem back down your thighs, “I... I want to be with you like that and I thought I was ready but I... I don’t know.”

“You do not owe me an explanation. I would never pressure you into doing anything you don’t want to do,” Paz promises in a rushed tone as he moves to unlatch his arm from around you, though you are quick to stop him, “I am sorry if I was too forward, cyare. I want you to only ever feel comfortable around me and if I ever do or say anything that you don’t like, please tell me, okay? I’ll never be mad at you.”

“I love you, Paz.”

He relaxes against you and presses another tender kiss into the hair above the tip of your ear, “Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum, ner cyare.”

You smile into the darkness at the warmth his words bring you, though you can’t help but to feel doubt towards yourself and you turn your head a little over your shoulder until his warm breath fans across the plane of your cheek. Even though you can’t see him in the slightest, you like to imagine his eyes scanning your face thoughtfully--curiously--and you hear him let out an inquisitive hum when you murmur his name.

“I haven’t been able to sleep the last couple of days,” You admit softly, placing your hand on top of the much larger one that’s resting just under your sternum, “I’m scared that every night here is going to be my last one--that someone isn’t going to want me here because I haven’t sworn to the creed and that I don’t wear a helmet or armor.”

Paz exhales softly and you close your eyes when his minty breath tickles your nostrils, “Our alor already knows that you were to be brought to the tribe to be our nurse, not a fighter. I made it clear to everyone that you would not have to wear our armor and if anyone has a problem with it, they can take it up with me or the armorer. You’re not going anywhere… not if you don’t want to.”

You detect the way his voice lowers into a much more sheepish, subdued tone upon whispering the last part and your suspicions from earlier are proved correct.

He’s afraid that you’re going to change your mind about staying with the tribe.

In an attempt to squash his own fears and insecurities, you wrap your fingers around his wrist and urge his arm up past your chest until you are able to lean your head down a little and kiss his calloused knuckles tenderly. He lets out a content sigh as you let him splay his fingers out widely against the swell of your breast, your heart pounding frantically against his palm while his thumb studies your firm pulse at the base of your neck.

“I just want to be wherever you are, Paz,” You murmur, your lips stretching into a smile when he tenderly kisses your cheek again.

“I feel the same way about you,” He sighs, finally relaxing completely as you keep his hand cradled to your chest, “Anything else you’re losing sleep over, cyare?”

For a moment it sounds like he’s teasing you, but something about the rawness and sincerity of his voice makes you think differently and you swallow the lump in your throat as you think of the little boy from the nursery--the one that had clung onto your leg and hugged you. Though a part of you wants to ask Paz more about how he was found and what happened to his parents, you think it best not to ask and shake your head a little bit.

It is none of your business.

“Try to get some rest,” Paz murmurs against your cheek, his beard scratching your sensitive skin, “I’ll make sure to wake you up if you have any nightmares.”

You murmur a tired ‘thank you’ and let your eyes slip shut, feeling reassured by his words and the feathery press of his lips against the tail of your brow, along with the way his thumb continues to rest atop your pulse point at the bottom of your neck.

For once, you sleep restfully--not necessarily dreaming of much, but not really having any nightmares either. You’re stuck in a strange limbo for the rest of the night and at one point, you feel Paz stroking your brow in an effort to calm you down upon feeling your body jolt when you wake from a strange dream that has you crying out.

As you fall back asleep underneath the comforting guidance of his hands and sweet whispers against the shell of your ear, you briefly wonder if the heavy-infantry warrior ever sleeps.

The next morning when you wake up and tiredly crack your eyes open, Paz is already fumbling around the little kitchenette, his helmet and underclothes now on and you prop yourself up on an elbow as you watch him set a wooden bowl down in front of your excited vulptex. The dish is filled with colorful fruit and chunks of meat and you think it must be the best meal she’s had since she was born, what with her dramatic reaction. She lets out long, happy little squeaks between bites and you think you hear something reminiscent of a laugh or a chuckle from Paz’s vocoder when he reaches out to graze a bare hand along her rocky spine.

“And here I thought you hated her,” You murmur with a yawn, stretching your arms above your head before gracelessly rolling out of bed, the room dimly lit as you make your way over to your beloved companions, “You and everyone else are always calling her a runt.”

Paz snorts and shakes his head a little, tilting his head a little as he hands you a bowl of fruit that has some yogurt underneath, “She is a runt, saviin--doesn’t mean I hate her for it. Besides, she tried to bite Djarin in the leg yesterday, so I guess she’s starting to grow on me.”

You huff a little at that as you savor the fresh berries, your taste buds still not used to such sweet food, and you shake your head at your Mandalorian, “You better not be training my sweet vulptex to attack others, Paz.”

“I would do no such thing,” Paz still sounds a little smug as he begins to put on all of his thick padding and heavy armor, “I’d only train her how to attack the bounty hunter.”

You roll your eyes and watch as he puts his armor on piece by piece, the same way he’s done it every morning for the last couple of days he’s been here. It must be a routine for him, you think as you watch him clip his pauldrons in place and work his way down his body; you find the whole process to be mesmerizing and you wonder if he’s been doing this every single day for nearly his entire life.

“I can feel you staring at me, cyare.”

You feel your cheeks warm up when you promptly turn your attention to the breakfast that Paz had kindly made for you, though you had insisted the previous mornings that you didn’t expect him to do this for you. Your heart warms when you remember how he had admitted that it made him happy to see you enjoy little basic necessities that you had been robbed of nearly your entire life and you stopped arguing after that.

Though it was only yogurt and fruit, you still felt like the most spoiled woman in the galaxy.

After completing your usual morning routine, along with braiding the top half of your hair around the crown of your head, you pick out your clothes for the day and scoop your needy little vulptex into the crook of your elbow, her favorite resting place, it seems.

“What am I going to do when she gets too big and I can’t carry her like this?”

Paz snorts as you wait for him to snap his gauntlets into place around his black, leather gloves, “If you didn’t spoil her so much and carry her around all the time, this wouldn’t be a problem, cyare.”

You pout a little at that, struggling not to smile when he gives your earlobe a playful tug once he’s finished with his big gauntlets, “Her leg is still sore--would you really be so heartless to make her walk around the covert?”

“She seemed to have no problem limping around until you showed up and started carrying her all over the place.”

Not having a solid rebuttal to the playful words, you simply shake your head and watch as he checks all the big pouches attached to his utility belt. Your eyes immediately land on the vibroblade sheathed at his hip and you let out a shaky sigh when you remember the Trandoshan, though Paz seems to notice the change in your attitude and shields that side of his body from you.

“C’mon cyare, we have a long day.”

Following close behind Paz, the two of you make your way out of his private quarters and down the tunnels where others are starting to trickle out of their rooms as well. You’ve come to find that with the exception of a few Mandos, the tribe tends to stick to a pretty strict routine of going to bed at a certain time and waking up earlier, though you find this to work out quite nicely for you. Whereas once you were getting two or three hours of sleep a night, along with maybe a thirty minute nap on your break, you now have the entire night to rest, even if you don’t always get the best sleep.

Perhaps he’s worried that you’ll get lost, even though you memorized the directions to your little office on the second day of being at the covert, but you allow Paz to guide you there anyways, grateful for his company when you know you won’t see him until tonight. Though you feel slightly sad upon making it to your destination, you’re somewhat anxious and eager to see what today brings you and who you might meet.

With a gentle kiss of his Beskar forehead against yours, you and the heavy-infantry warrior part ways for the day and you contentedly enter the little office that you had managed to clean up pretty well since your arrival. As you enter the little alcove, something feels off and you quickly detect the sounds of soft hums and discontented grunts. 

You freeze upon finding out that you are not the only one occupying the room and your brows shoot up at the strange spectacle taking place in front of you.

In front of your desk, where you had placed a small pot of violets that you’d taken from the room Paz and Ima had decorated for you, is an unarmored Mandalorian who’s currently inspecting something you wrote down on a little notepad the previous day. Though the Mando is wearing a light grey helmet with chipped away emeral trimmings around the visor and cheeks, you think they must be one of the elders in the tribe, what with their hunched over form, wavering hands, and the long staff they wield.

You don’t miss the sharp, pointed tip of the walking stick that is made from what you’re certain is Beskar and you make sure to approach slowly, not wanting to frighten the Mandalorian, though the thought of you startling a warrior is slightly amusing to you.

They’re humming something that you can barely make out through their modulator and your lips instantly stretch into a faint grin when you realize they’re reading the little list you had started of all the Mandalorians you had met in the tribe so far, along with the colors of their armor and their names to help you memorize the people who are supposed to be your new family. You watch with curiosity as the unarmored Mandalorian grabs one of your pens from the little cup next to your notepad, leaning down to try to scribble something down, though they seem to grow frustrated with how shaky their hands are.

You decide to step in when you hear a disgruntled voice uttering curse words under their breath that you’ve never even heard Paz say before and your cheeks grow warm.

“Hello, may I help you?”

Immediately, the Mandalorian whips around with a small gasp, making you jump as well and you hastily take a few steps backwards when they turn around to face you, their hand pressed tight to where their heart must be frantically pounding, just like yours currently is. Your eyes are wide, hands nervously clutched together as the Mandalorian tilts their faded, scuffed up helmet to the side while observing you closely. Though you think they must be elderly, they stand about only one or two inches taller than you and you’re finally grateful to meet someone who isn’t terrifyingly large or as tiny as one of the younglings.

“You cannot sneak up on me like that!” He lightly admonishes in a deep, gruff voice, still holding his bare, wrinkled hand over his heart, “I am not nearly as alert as I used to be, but it doesn’t mean I can’t deal out some damage still.”

He lifts the staff to show you the pointed, steel bottom of it and you immediately nod your understanding, bowing your head a little, “Of course, I am so sorry! I wasn’t sure if you were hurt or not and I just thought…”

You bite your bottom lip nervously--what were you even thinking?

“Ah, I see,” He seems to relax then, pulling out the chair in front of your desk and sinking down into it with a pained grunt while you continue to wring your fingers together in an anxious manner, “So you must be my replacement--the nurse Paz insisted on bringing to the tribe.”

Maker, did your Mandalorian actually tell the entire damn tribe about you?

Your leg bounces as soon as you take a seat at the end of the medical cot and you brush a few unruly hairs from your forehead before speaking to the elderly man, “I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a replacement, sir. I’m sure I could never be as good of a medic as you are for your people. I’m just here to help out as much as I can.”

He chuckles and shakes his helmet at your humbled statement, propping his steel cane against his thigh and you feel a twinge of sadness deep within your soul as he stares down at his trembling hands. You notice his right hand is trembling more than the left and you think that must be his dominant hand--the one he would typically use for certain medical procedures--and you remember what Paz had mentioned about the tribe’s medic growing too ill and shaky to actually help others.

‘No wonder why the office was so dusty and everything was unused,’ you think to yourself sorrowfully, your eyes taking in all the big dents and scuff marks on his gray and crimson helmet.

“Hey, don’t give me those sad eyes, little one,” He admonishes you again and though you don’t remember having any kind of grandparent in your life, you think being scolded by this man must be what it feels like to have one, “I was told by Paz that you are a tough one--a warrior, just like us.”

You offer him a wry smile, “I suppose he didn’t tell you that I tend to cry quite a bit as well?”

“Oh, he definitely mentioned that,” The Mandalorian chortles and you can’t help but to grin at that, immediately feeling better at how playful he sounds, “I was hoping he was messing around with me--our people aren’t exactly the best with tears and emotions, but I suppose it is not a bad thing. During times like these, the tribe could use a little more happiness and vulnerability.”

You contemplate his words deeply, thinking of the few times Paz had informed you that because of the Empire, his people were nearly extinct and you wonder how this stranger could so easily accept you into the tribe without really knowing you. Seeing how worn out and damaged his dented helmet is, you can’t help but to wonder what he’s been through and though he seems to be more of an eccentric member of the tribe, you’re certain he’s been through hell and back.

“If you do not mind me asking--” You offer him a fond gaze, your smile growing when he tilts his helmet dramatically to the side, his Beskar cheek nearly touching his shoulder, “May I have your name? I am trying to learn who everyone is, but the visors are all the same and sometimes the color of armor is similar and--”

“I get it,” The older man sounds like he’s amused and you briefly wonder if he was once an outsider like you, though you find it rude to ask, “I was about to write it in your little notebook, but I fear my hands are too unsteady for you to understand my writing, little one.”

You perk up and quickly stand up, making your way over to where he’s sitting before you crouch down in front of your desk and grab one of the several pens in the little cup near your notebook. The Mandalorian makes a funny noise as you give him an inquisitive glance, wordlessly asking for his name with a quirk of your brow and though he wears a typical Mandalorian helmet, you think he must be grinning underneath his Beskar guise.

“Ezir Ralas.”

You somehow manage to write down his name as fast as he spells it out for you and you grin at how demanding he sounds upon spelling every single letter out and how he describes the exact colors of his faded helmet. There’s something about his lighthearted tone that makes you think he’s not as intimidating as every other warrior you’ve encountered since being brought to the covert.

“Well, it is lovely to meet you, sir,” You beam at him as you make your way back to the medical cot to sit on while you wait for your first patient of the day, “Have you been the tribe’s nurse for very long?”

He chuckles again, long fingers curling against his knees, “Oh yes, I’ve been with the tribe since we were forced into hiding years ago. Before all of this, however, I was a field medic for my people on Mandalore, back during our civil war.”

“Oh, I um, I had no idea there was a civil war,” You frown at this new information, briefly wondering if Paz knows about this, though you think he must, “That must have been so scary to be out there on a battlefield, trying to save your own people.”

He lets out a small grunt as he leans forward to rest his forearms atop his thighs, “Even though I am a medic, I was also born and raised a fighter, little one. Though the things I have seen haunt me at night when I cannot sleep, I would not so willingly admit that I was ever afraid.”

You slowly nod and gaze down at the steel pendant that hangs between his collarbones and you recognize it as the one you often see around the covert, or in the morning when Paz tucks his own into the collar of his tunic. Seeming to recognize your curiosity towards the skull sigil, he unties the knot at his nape and holds out the necklace for you to inspect up close.

With great eagerness, you reach forward to accept the kind gesture, “Is it rude of me to ask what this is?”

“It is not rude,” Ezir sounds amused by your curiosity and your cheeks grow warm as you trace over the sharp horns protruding from the cheeks of the skull with your thumbs, “It is the skull of a beast that was once native to Mandalore--the mythosaur. They were these enormous monsters with teeth and horns sharper than a sword made of Beskar and when they tried to attack my ancestors, we either slayed them or conquered them and rode them as transportation.”

“How big were they?”

“Massive,” He flippantly waves a hand in the air, appearing far too nonchalant while speaking of terrifying beasts, “Well, I would imagine they’re the size of the village currently above us, little one.”

Your eyes grow wide and a chuckle escapes past his modulator at how incredulous you sound, “And you’re ancestors fought them?”

“Without hesitation,” He informs you and though the image of a monster so fearsome and enormous terrifies you, it also fills you with feelings of reverence and awe, “After the beasts went extinct, the mythosaur skull became a symbol of our people and all that we had overcome; it is a symbol of our history and culture.”

You hum quietly, barely noticing the way his tilted visor is trained on the way you tenderly trace all the curves and divots of the pendant with admiration, a smile tugging at your lips as you think of the symbolism behind the sigil. Suddenly, you understand why people have always murmured terrifying rumors of the Beskar-clad enigmas and you think it must be true that they’re the strongest warriors in the galaxy. You wonder what it must feel like to exude such power to the point where people fear you without even knowing who you are and though you still regret feeling so much terror upon initially meeting Paz, you’re suddenly grateful that you’d eventually let him into your heart.

“Perhaps one day, you will have one of your own,” Ezir concedes and your head snaps up to peer at him with shock; you hand the pendant back out for him to take, feeling undeserving to be holding something so precious to his people, “Oh, don’t give me that look. You may not wear our helmet or armor, but once I teach you some Mando’a and get a weapon in your hand, you’ll be a fearsome warrior.”

You think of what Paz had mentioned about the others in the tribe teaching you Mando’a, and while you’ve only known him for a few minutes, he seems to be a respectful man, albeit a little quirky.

“What does riduur mean?” You blurt out, your skin instantly growing warm when you see Ezir’s shoulders shaking as he laughs at the innocent question; suddenly, you fear that everyone has been saying something demeaning about you, “I just... everyone in the tribe keeps calling me ‘Paz’s riduur’ and I--it’s not an insult, right? They’re always laughing when they say it.”

He shakes his head as his laughter eventually ceases, “No, little one, it is quite the opposite of an insult, but rather a term of endearment. I do not think it is my place to tell you what it means and I am not sure if Paz has the guts to actually tell you, but I can say that I am certain you will find out for yourself one day when he calls you that himself.”

Your leg bounces anxiously as you watch him situate his mythosaur pendant between his collarbones and as you think of all the meanings that the word possibly possesses, one stands out to you the most.

“Is it something I would be allowed to say to him as well in the future?”

“Yes,” He reaches down to pet your vulptex that’s awkwardly making her way towards his boots, sounding utterly entertained by your inquiry, “Though I cannot promise you that his brain wouldn’t combust if he heard you call him that.”

“Then perhaps I would call him that as payback for all the times he’s teased me about certain things.”

Ezir guffaws at that, remaining diligent in petting the lazy vulptex that’s headbutting his calf in a needy manner, “I like you, little one. I almost didn’t believe Ima when she told me you had stopped the fight between Din and Paz, let alone when she informed me that you had stood up for yourself and the bounty hunter.”

You watch as the older man awkwardly scoops the little vulptex into his arms and you’re grateful that not many seem to mind her presence in the covert, as you’re not sure what you would have done had you been forced to get rid of her.

“I have been belittled by men all my life,” You shyly admit, staring at the little creature that’s reaching up in an attempt to bite his pendant, though Ezir doesn’t seem bothered in the slightest as you continue, “And for the longest time, I just learned to keep my mouth shut and deal with it because that’s just the way I was raised, I suppose. These last couple of days have taught me that it does not make me a bad person for only wanting to be treated with respect and my only regret is that I did not realize this sooner in life. Perhaps I’d be a stronger woman if I had realized my worth at a younger age.”

No longer is Ezir petting the vulptex, but instead, he now has his visor trained on you and in return, you offer him a small smile. He remains deathly silent for at least a minute before giving you a curt nod, as though he approves of either you or just your declaration in general.

“In our language, we have a word that I think perfectly describes you, little one,” His gruff, filtered voice drops to something softer as he watches you perk up with curiosity, “Ramikadyc--it means that you have the tenacity and determination of a Mandalorian, that you have our mindset.”

Your heart instantly swells with gratitude and you shyly cross your ankles together as you wring your fingers together on top of your lap, “I would hardly compare myself to your people. I do not think I would have the tenacity or determination to fight against one of those mythosaurs that your ancestors slayed.”

“Something tells me you and I are not too different,” Ezir informs you with what you think is mirth laced within his deep voice, “I do not think you would hesitate to put yourself in harm’s way if it meant protecting someone you care for or someone you do not wish to see to get hurt.”

You smile softly and give him a slight nod as you think of the bounty hunter that you had stood up for, despite him not deserving it, or even your little vulptex that you had taken a blaster shot for. If Ezir truly thinks that you have the heart of a warrior, then he must be saying it for a good reason and his words, along with Ima’s and Paz’s confidence in you, fills you with a little more hope in regards to your future with the tribe.

“Will you tell me more about you?”

“I am afraid my stories might bore you to the point of insanity,” Ezir chuckles, shifting in his seat a little so he can hold your vulptex in a more comfortable position, “But since you seem so curious, what is it you wish to know, little one?”

“Can you tell me more about Mandalore and the civil--?”

Before you can finish, a deep baritone from the entrance of your office interrupts your inquiry and both you and Ezir immediately turn around to find your blue Mandalorian standing tall behind another unarmored Mando, though this one is still taller than you and Ezir. The smaller Mando is holding their wrist protectively against their chest and it takes a few seconds for you to recognize the warrior as one of the younger ones that seems to have a knack for constantly getting hurt during training.

“Saviin’ika,” Paz greets politely with a slight nod, cocking his helmet to the side upon noticing who’s been keeping you company in the short amount of time you two have been apart, “Ezir.”

You raise your brows at the way your warrior tenses up a little upon seeing the elderly man, though you manage to get in a word before any of the Mandalorians can say anything, your attention focused on the injured boy.

“Is your wrist hurt?”

The unarmored Mando peers up at Paz with what you think must be a wary expression through his visor--something that your warrior immediately picks up on. With absolutely no hesitation, the heavy-infantry warrior murmurs something to the younger Mando in his native tongue and you raise your head with anticipation and a kind smile. As though that’s all the confirmation of the young teenager--Vhan--needs, he nods a little and you slide off the end of the cot so your first patient of the day can sit down.

You give the boy a small, encouraging smile as he takes his glove off and pushes up his sleeve to reveal a swollen wrist, “What happened?”

“It was my fault,” Paz says immediately, making you raise your brows in surprise at the thought of him somehow hurting someone so young, “He was sparring with his brother and I looked away for a minute. He fell and landed right on his wrist.”

You frown a little at the guilt in his voice, though judging by the exasperated sigh that wafts past Vhan’s modulator, you think this must be a common occurrence amongst the younger ones who get hurt on Paz’s watch.

“Well, it’s hard to tell for sure without x-rays,” You manage to rotate Vhan’s wrist in the slightest, a gesture that seems to cause minimal pain to the boy, “But it looks like it’s just a minor sprain, since there seems to be no crooked bones and you can still move it around a little. Nothing too serious and nothing to feel bad about.”

Paz lets out a relieved huff at the news, though you know your blue warrior enough to know he’s not going to let the guilt down so easily, especially not when it pertains to one of the younger members of the tribe. A knowing grin stretches your lips when Vhan groans, and now you’re certain this isn’t the first time Paz has been worried like a mother hen over the clumsy teen. Though the blue warrior has quite the reputation among all the adults in the covert, it seems he also has a completely different persona when he’s with the younger ones.

“See? I told you it’s fine. Can I go back to training now?” Vhan insists, moving to hop off of the cot, though you are quicker to stop him by placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Uh uh,” You shake your head, earning another groan from the teen and what you’re sure are surprised expressions from the two other men occupying the room, “Just because it’s a sprain doesn’t mean you can go running off just to damage it even further. You should at least rest it for forty-eight hours and put some ice on it every thirty minutes for two hours until the pain goes away. Also try to keep it elevated as much as possible.”

“That’s so much work for a little sprain though!” Vhan argues and you let out a soft sigh as you begin to compress his wrist with a thick bandage, “Can’t I just--”

“Hey!” Ezir suddenly sounds annoyed, and you’re surprised when the boy tenses up a little, just as Paz had earlier, and something about their reactions has you growing even more curious to what kind of reputation the elder has among his family, “Listen to the nurse, di’kut. She only wants what’s best for you.”

“Yes sir,” Vhan mumbles, though you can tell he’s still not happy about it when he turns his visor to you, “S-Sorry, Saviin’ika.”

You blink your surprise at him calling you the familiar nickname, but eventually you give him a kind smile and stand up to retrieve your roll of ice wraps, “Hey, it’s okay. I’m sure it must be difficult for you to miss out on training, but it really is for your own good. I don’t have the resources here to fix your wrist if it was seriously broken, so it’s detrimental to make sure that the sprain heals properly before doing any serious training again. Perhaps there is… um, maybe something else you can do in the meantime that’s not too strenuous?”

He perks up a little and hope instantly flares in your chest as he gives you an eager nod before turning to look at Paz, “You told me the other day that you would show me how to take apart an assault rifle and put it back together--would that be okay?”

Paz glances at you and the boy’s eager tone makes it hard for you to say no, so you give your warrior a reluctant nod as you finish tying the ice wrap around his swollen wrist, “Just as long as you make sure to not move your wrist around too much and keep the ice wrap on, okay?”

“Alright!” He’s instantly hopping off the cot and you chuckle at his newfound excitement, “Thanks vod’ika!”

You huff a little, opening your mouth to stubbornly remind him that you’re far older than him, though he cuts you off with a quick headbutt to your forehead; while it’s not too harsh of a harsh gesture, it’s certainly not as gentle as all the times Paz has performed the same action. You rub your tender forehead as Paz turns to the side a little so Vhan can make his way, presumably, to the armory. Paz shakes his helmet in an exasperated manner as he steps toward you, most likely to get a look at your forehead, but Ezir’s small grunts as he slowly stands up has your full attention.

Instinctively, you move to help the elder up from your office chair, noticing his slight struggle to stand and you force yourself not to cringe at the numerous pops and cracks coming from his knees and back. After a lifetime of fighting and being a medic, you’re certain it’s taken a toll on him, though he simply chuckles a little and pats your back as you both make your way over to Paz.

“I suppose I should take this as my sign to leave you to your duties for the day, verd’ika,” You beam at the new nickname as he carefully grabs onto your elbow for better balance while you lead him to the entrance where Paz is still standing with a cocked helmet, “I’ll have to look for my old medical books and datapads for you to read.”

“Oh, thank you!” Happiness and warmth instantly blankets your heart at his consideration, gratitude filling your soul when you realize that he seems to approve of you being the tribe’s new nurse, “I would love that very much, if it’s not too much of a hassle.”

“Of course not,” He gives your hand a little pat before latching onto a grumpy Paz’s elbow instead, “I’ll just make this one help me later since he can reach the higher shelves.”

“I have other things to--”

Jutting a thumb out in your direction over his shoulder, Ezir sends a rough little whack! of his walking stick to Paz’s armored shin, “It is good she is here with the tribe now--perhaps she can teach you and everyone else some manners, you big brute.”

“Yeah, ori kebiin,” You giggle in a teasing manner, earning a small grunt from the blue warrior, “Would it really kill you to learn a few manners?”

Ezir lets out a loud laugh that has Paz shaking his helmet at you, and though you know you’ll soon regret it, you think it’s worth the delightful torment he’ll inflict on you later when the two of you are alone. Without another word, Paz reaches out to give your nape a tender squeeze before leaving you alone to your thoughts in your little office, though you think that seeing Ezir and helping Vhan has already given you a bright start to your day.

With a faint smile stretched along your lips, you add a few comments to your little notepad and take inventory of the supplies you have and what you need for the next time Paz goes on a supply run. For the most part, the day goes by slowly and uneventfully--something you are actually grateful for, what with being so used to the chaos that came as a result of working in a village full of crime and those with cruel hearts.

Needless to say, you don’t mind a calm day in the slightest and when Ima passes your office hours later to politely inform you that training and sparring lessons are done for the day, you’re grateful that no serious injuries were sustained. Packing up your things and making sure your office is in order, you turn off the lights and exit your office, eager to explore the covert a little more and go to the room that Paz and Ima had decorated for you.

After conversing with a few of the Mandalorians you had befriended in the short amount of time you’ve been at the covert, you happily make your way down the stairs that you know leads to everyone’s private quarters, as well as the nursery and your little flower alcove.

You hum a mindless tune to yourself as you stroll down the long tunnel, smiling when the atmosphere gets a little warmer when you pass the shielded alcove that leads into the nursery; your walking slows a little and you’re half tempted to go inside and say hi to the little ones, though you don’t want to cause any chaos again, especially so late in the day. Reluctantly, you continue past the nursery and make your way to the little room Paz and Ima had decorated with your flowers, your vulptex resting comfortably in your arms as you two seek out relaxation.

“I need to think of a name for you, little one,” You murmur, earning a soft gaze from her, crimson eyes slowly blinking up at you, “Maybe I should ask one of the younglings to come up with one. They must be far more creative than me.”

She simply answers you with a dramatic huff as you continue down the path that Paz had already taken you down a few times.

You’re completely oblivious to the little footsteps following you far behind.

Finally, you make it to your beloved sanctuary and let out a relieved sigh upon seeing all your growing flowers and the lights that hang above them. Placing your little vulptex on the center of the desk where you had placed a little pillow for her, you dutifully water the plants and flowers that look like they need it the most. It’s comforting to have a little place of your own, especially after dealing with so many of the boisterous warriors all day and while you feel as though you’re slowly getting used to their antics, you realize you truly had no idea what you were getting yourself into upon agreeing to be the tribe’s nurse.

A small smile quirks at the corners of your lips as you feel the tiniest ache in your temple where the younger Mandalorian had headbutted his gratitude a little too roughly earlier, though warmth fills your heart when you remember how he had referred to you as his sister.

You’re in the middle of checking on your little violets when your vulptex raises her head in a jolting manner; immediately, you turn around, expecting Paz or perhaps Ima needing you to tend to someone’s wound.

It is neither one of them, you realize with surprise.

You let out a little gasp upon seeing a pair of wide, fearful eyes poking from the tiny crack between the curtains and the doorway and you instantly recognize the sad, golden brown orbs from days ago in the nursery.

“Oh, it’s okay, little one!” You give him a warm smile that instantly seems to allay some of the despair in his big eyes, “You may come in, if you’d like.”

Hesitantly, he makes his way into the unfamiliar room, looking like a lost animal that’s experiencing a new environment for the first time and you think you know the feeling all too well; even after spending a few days at the covert, you still feel quite lost and you can’t possibly imagine what this child is going through.

You blink your surprise when he gets halfway across the room before spotting your lazy vulptex who is still curled up on your desk, staring at the boy curiously, though not unkindly in the slightest. Carefully, you make your way closer to the little who simply stares up at you with wide starry eyes, his hands clasped together politely in front of him and your heart melts at how nervous and scared he seems.

“It’s okay, little one,” You reassure him in a calm, hushed tone, reaching your hand out for him to take, “She loves younglings very much and would never hurt you, I promise.”

The curly-haired boy shifts his gaze between you and your rocky companion before ultimate latching onto your hand with his. Cautiously and without any force, you guide him closer to your desk where the vulptex is still observing the little boy with gentle eyes; you think that on top of being intelligent, her species must also be quite empathetic and can differentiate a kind soul from a dark one.

“Is it okay if I pick you up?” You question the boy softly, earning you a shy nod as an answer, and you carefully haul him up to the chair in front of your desk, keeping a hand pressed to the back of his shoulders to keep him steady, should he stumble, “If you want to hold your hand out to sniff it, it’ll be a sign that you want to be her friend.”

His eyes widen a little more and you can’t help but to grin as he holds a shaking hand out for the rocky vulpine to sniff eagerly, his other hand pressed shyly to his cheek in anticipation. A tiny, childish giggle meets your ears and warms your heart as the vulptex licks his palm, though he is quick to pull his damp hand back and wipe it on his beige tunic with a scrunched up expression. When he smiles up at you, you’re certain your heart is going to melt into a big puddle of goo in the pit of your stomach and you offer him one in return, smoothing his dark, unruly curls away from his forehead.

“See? She knows you’re brave and likes you now.”

He gives you a toothy grin and you feel a lovely warmth in your soul knowing that you were able to provide some emotional reprieve for the sweet child.

“Did you sneak away from the nursery, little one?” You ask him gently, not wanting him to think you’re upset with him at all; he simply drops his head in shame and you continue to stroke his curls in an attempt to comfort him, “It’s okay! You’re not in trouble, I promise. I just want to know why.”

For a moment, you don’t think he’s going to answer as he keeps his head lowered, but then he eventually peers up at you and whispers his response in a tiny, meek voice.

“Y-You were singing,” He explains quietly, and you realize he must have heard you humming and followed you all the way here, “‘M sorry.”

“Hey, no, none of that,” You crouch down in front of him so he’s taller than you while he stands on your chair and you give him a kind smile, “It’s okay, but how about next time you just ask the caretaker on duty, alright? They’ll come find me, wherever I may be.”

He gives you a shy nod, seeming thoughtful for a few moments as he presses a chubby index finger to his pouting lips, “Do I have to go back?”

You should say yes and you know it, but his eyes are all but pleading with you to say no and he looks so hopeful that you’ll let him keep you company. You think he must feel just as out of place as you do, not knowing who to talk to or who to trust, though you seem to be the one person he finds solace in.

How could you destroy that tiny amount of trust he already has in you?

You give him a tiny smile and shake your head, “You may stay for a little while, but I fear I do not make for the most exciting company, little one.”

The boy doesn’t say anything to that and you blink your surprise when he reaches out to clumsily touch the thick braid wrapped around your crown, along with the few flowers that you had strategically placed throughout the weaves that morning when Paz had been watching you. He seems curious by the vibrant flora, his eyes blinking and flickering with awe and you bow your head a little so he can get a better look at them.

“Do you like flowers?” You ask him quietly when he eventually ceases his exploration, and you look up to see him giving you a shy little nod, “What’s your favorite kind?”

You expect him to not know many, especially if he’s spent his few years of life on Nevarro, though he surprises you when he speaks in a barely there whisper, “I like roses--like the ones my ‘gramma used to paint.”

You’re desperately inclined to ask more about his grandmother--if he had any parents and what planet he had been saved from, but if he’s the covert’s newest foundling, the wounds on his heart and mind must still be so fresh and you do not wish to infect it further with your invasive questions. Instead, you force yourself to give him a warm, big smile and somehow manage to keep the tears out of your eyes when his chubby fingers find the little blue flower that Paz had tucked behind your ear earlier in the morning.

“Yeah? I bet they were beautiful,” You grin and he gives you a fervent little nod to confirm your thoughts, “What color roses did she paint?”

And what you thought was only going to be a ten or twenty minute interaction with the boy ends up to be more than an hour and a half long meeting where the two of you talk about harmless topics like flowers, favorite animals, different types of stars and constellations. Though for once, you do most of the talking and you are more than satisfied to describe the beautiful hot springs and caves that Paz had taken you to, sparing all the mushy details that you knew would probably gross out a child.

“He’s scary,” The boy murmurs as you tell him of the story, at least the clean version, of how Paz had stood up for you the night you first found your vulptex, “They all are--they don’t smile.”

“Well of course they do,” You inform the little one, curling a finger against his cheek and earning a tiny giggle, “Everyone smiles, you just can’t see it because they wear their helmets to honor their creed. It does not mean they are robots or incapable of feeling the same emotions we do.”

He’s perched on one of your thighs, seeming comfortable as he softly pets the sleeping vulptex and you smile down at him sympathetically upon realizing he’s still apprehensive of the armored warriors, “I was scared of Paz at first too, but he turned out to be one of the kindest, most honorable men I have ever met. These people are not cruel, but I understand why you are afraid, little one. I have only been here for three days and I am still learning how to fit in as well. Perhaps we can figure this out together.”

He gives you another toothy grin and nods, seeming comforted by your words as he leans back into you and your heart aches at the trust he shows in you; a part of you wonders if it’s because he can actually see your face. You’re not entirely sure of what to say as he continues to pet the sleepy animal, smiling whenever he hears the soft squeaks that the vulptex lets out every now and then.

“Do you have a name little one?” You ask kindly--tenderly--hoping that the question won’t overwhelm him as he tilts his head to stare up at you.

You truly don’t think he’s going to answer you, but then after a few moments of silence, he lowers his head a little, not looking you in the eyes.

“Odisian.”

“Odisian... what a lovely name,” You repeat it with a grin, earning a shy smile from him, “Is it okay if I call you Odi? Or do you prefer your full name?”

Suddenly, he beams up at you and kicks his legs a little, as if having a nickname makes him feel more at home, “I like Odi!”

Your cheeks nearly hurt from how big you’re smiling at him and you nod, deciding it’s best not to dwell too much on his own name or what nicknames he might have had before being brought to the covert. You straighten your spine a little and reach out to pet your little vulptex who keens under all the adoration and attention she’s suddenly receiving from you and the little one.

“Would you like to pick out a name for her?” You ask him softly, tilting your head to the side when he gives you an expression filled with awe and wonder, like he can’t believe you are asking him to do such a thing, “She needs one and I do not think I am creative enough to bestow her with such an honor.”

Odi swings his legs nervously and you can’t help but to grin as he seems to seriously contemplate this huge decision, his tiny hand squeezing his cheeks together in great concentration. You remain patient with him as he turns his head a little to stare at all the flowers on your desk and the colorful vines that are draping off the edge of the shelves attached to the wall with admiration.

“Rosie?”

He says it more as a question, like he’s nervous for your response, so you offer him a warm grin when you realize this sweet child wants to name your vulptex after his own favorite flower. You wonder if he somehow knows just how much your flowers mean to you, just as Paz does, or if the flower simply has some sort of deeper meaning to him and you playfully ruffle his curls, earning you a little giggle from him.

“That is far more lovely of a name than I could ever come up for her,” You inform him, your cheeks hurting from how big of a smile you’re wearing on your face and he perks up at your reassurance, no longer seeming quite as nervous, “Her eyes are red like roses too! Is red your favorite color?”

“I like yellow,” He bashfully admits, and you nearly chuckle at the way he pronounces his ‘L’s as ‘W’s, “It is a happy color.”

You agree with him as you begin to collect some flowers for the little boy, though a part of you lamely thinks he probably doesn’t even want them. You’re in the process of pointing out all the different flowers that Paz and Ima had been so kind to plant for you in anticipation of your arrival when the drapes to your alcove shuffle to the side a little.

You’re completely unaware of how long your blue warrior is standing in the entryway, simply observing you and the little one perched contently on top of your leg who seems utterly interested in what you have to tell him about the healing properties of violets and lavender.

“Oh! And then this one right here, if you just grind it up and add it into--”

“Cyare.”

Immediately, you and Odi both turn to face where Paz is standing just feet away in front of the rounded entrance, though the little one in your arms is quick to lower his head in fear of the massive warrior. Wanting the youngling to feel more comfortable, you simply smile up at Paz, who suddenly seems frozen to his spot as he stares at you with a cocked helmet, his shoulders tense as his pauldrons inch closer to the bottom of his helmet.

“Is something wrong, Paz?”

“No, it’s just--” His helmet slightly jolts to the side and he’s acting odd as you gently heave Odi off of your lap, offering him the little bundle of flowers so he won’t feel so lonely without you by his side, “It is time for the younglings to sleep and the caretaker on duty got scared because he was missing. I thought you might know where he is and it seems as though I was right.”

Odi is staring up at you with the saddest expression, as though he’s pleading with you to not return him back to the nursery and you gently cup the back of his curls, giving him a kind smile in return. Nervously, he fiddles with his hands as you stand up, easily scooping your vulptex into the crook of your elbow, all while the little one stares up at Paz with the most frightened expression you’ve ever witnessed, hiding behind your leg.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay. I’m not going anywhere and you’re more than welcome to visit me anytime,” You offer him a reassuring smile as he gazes down at the little bouquet of flowers and  he is quick to grab your outstretched hand with an eager expression, “C’mon, I’ll walk you back. Besides, he likes flowers too--I bet he would like it if you gave him one.”

You say the last sentence in a low whisper, as though you’re sharing some sort of gossip with him and you instantly notice the way he perks up as Paz holds the drapes to the side for you, his helmet still tilted to the side as he observes you two. Odi is still quiet and thoughtful as he stares down at the little bundle of colorful flowers you had gifted him, all while holding your hand as Paz slowly leads you through the dim tunnels.

Shyly, the child gazes up at Paz and warmth blooms in your heart and soul when he lowers his helmet to regard Odi with what you’re certain is the utmost kindness, most likely wanting nothing more than to earn the boy’s trust. Without saying anything, the little one holds up the colorful bouquet of flowers for Paz to see and you grin at the adorable interaction.

"Those are... pretty,” Paz comments in a softer voice and you can tell he’s trying to appear as placid as possible to the nervous boy, “Which one is your favorite?”

Odi lets go of your hand to press his index finger to his bottom lip in severe contemplation and you nearly chuckle at what must be a cute little habit that he does unknowingly when he’s thinking too hard. After a moment’s consideration, he points a chubby finger at one of the many violets that you had tucked in the center and you instantly grin.

“Those are my favorite too,” Paz says quietly, and you’re too focused on the way Odi is smiling down at the little bouquet to notice the Mandalorian’s visor trained on your face.

Odi seems conflicted as he gently tugs one of the violets from the middle of the colorful bundle and offers it to the huge warrior with a hopeful gaze, not saying a word throughout the entire exchange.

“What an honor,” Paz sounds like he's grinning as he accepts the little flower and Odi immediately seeks out your hand again, “Thank you.”

The youngling peers up at you with a cheerful glimmer in his eye, as though he’s proud of himself for showing such bravery and selflessness in the presence of a powerful warrior. Once you offer him a knowing smile and a gentle squeeze of his hand, Odi turns to gaze down at his colorful bouquet with a tiny grin on his face. 

Content upon realizing the little one no longer seems sad or fearful, you tilt your head up to beam happily at Paz, your heart still full of love and admiration towards both him and Odi; immediately the warrior lifts his hand to tenderly stroke your cheek. The cold bite of leather nearly makes you flinch and suddenly you’re remorseful that both of your hands are occupied by your littlest companions as you now long to touch the lighter blue in the hollows of his cheeks.

It’s not until you make it back to the nursery that Odi’s smile drops and his lips form into a little pout. Paz presses his gloved hand to the small of your back to guide you further into the nursery and through a short tunnel leading the four of you to where the younglings must sleep and take their naps.

“Hey,” You whisper after the four of you enter a dimly lit room with several beds lined up; you notice the tiny lumps curled up underneath the fuzzy blankets and smile as you crouch down in front of Odi, “Remember what I said, okay? You ever want to come see me, just ask one of the caretakers. I’ll always be here for you.”

He nods, and before you can even think about standing up, he steps forward to wrap his tiny arms around your neck and you’re quick to return the sweet gesture, your free hand coming up to gently cup the back of his head. You feel his chubby fingers curl into the hair you had left unbraided that morning and smile when he holds onto you a little tighter; you can tell he’s still afraid of you leaving as an idea pops into your head.

“Since Rosie seems to like you so much, why don’t I leave her here with you for the night?” Immediately, he pulls away from you, his starry eyes wide and filled with disbelief as you gently shuffle the lazy vulpine into his awaiting arms, “She may be small, but she’s a fierce little thing that will protect you from any nightmares you may have, I promise.”

He holds the animal closer to his chest, grinning when she lifts her head to lick at his cheek and Odi instantly giggles in response. He gives you one last shy smile before making his way to his little bed and you stand up to your full height as you watch him shuffle underneath his blankets, all while holding Rosie close to his chest. It’s not until you watch his eyes close that you let out a deep exhale and you wonder when you had stopped breathing; tears nearly escape your eyes when you watch Rosie curl herself closer to the child, head tucked underneath his chin as he smiles sleepily.

“Ner cyare,” Paz whispers and you jump a little, nearly forgetting that he had been standing there this whole time; you turn to face him and you give him a questioning look when he threads his fingers through the valleys between yours, “There is something I want to show you.”

You think when he says ‘something’, he most likely means ‘someone’, and your heart thrums wildly in anticipation as he leads you away from the younglings’ sleeping quarters. The alcove he’s leading you to is the one he had popped out of a few days ago after you confronted him after the fight, you realize, and you wonder what could possibly be in the room that he seems so excited to show you.

You blink owlishly at him as he politely holds the drapes to the side for you and you hesitantly enter the warm room; instantly, another Mandalorian with black and yellow armor turns to face you and Paz. Before you can offer the stranger an affable greeting, a soft whimper cuts you off and your heart instantly freezes over when you spot a wooden crib in the corner of the dim room.

An infant… 

There is an infant in the covert and the thought simultaneously terrifies you and breaks your heart.

Paz quietly says something in his mother tongue when the caretaker on duty tenses as you step forward to try to get a better look at the distressed infant, your heart now pounding so wildly that you hear it in your ears. Whatever Paz said to the caretaker immediately seems to calm them down and they simply watch as you observe the fussy baby that is kicking its little feet wildly and growing even more distressed. The infant is wearing tiny white socks and a long, dark brown tunic that falls to her ankles; her little head is adorned with a white beanie, but you see dark tufts of hair poking out from underneath.

“I… I cannot get her to stop crying,” The Mandalorian’s deep, filtered voice is coated with exhaustion and despite the tears burning your eyes, you fixate your attention on the defeated Mando, the vibrancy of the yellow stripes painted on his black armor nearly hurting your eyes, “What am I doing wrong?”

You wonder if he’s ever had to take care of an infant before, but judging by the way the black and yellow Mando shuffles around nervously makes you think it is not all too common of an occurrence in the tribe.

You swallow the lump in your throat and nod, shaking off your fears and insecurities as you remind yourself that you were brought here to take care of others, “O-Okay, how old is she?”

“I only found her a few weeks ago, cyare,” Paz informs you quietly, not wanting to disturb the baby even more, and you turn around to gaze up at him with wide, watery eyes; he must see the confusion etched on your features because he immediately explains himself, “I was walking back from seeing you one night and found her abandoned behind one of the vendors in the marketplace. I can’t… I can’t imagine what kind of monster does such a thing.”

You know all too well of the monsters that are capable of leaving a helpless creature behind to die, most likely feeling no guilt when they close their eyes at night.

You nod again and let out a shaky exhale as the caretaker turns his body to the side and allows you to lean over the crib, your chest aching something fierce as you carefully scoop up the tiny creature into your arms. Instantly, she lets out with a piercing, shrill scream and you heave a small sigh at how fussy of a little thing she is, though you think you already know what her problem is.

“What are you--?”

The strange Mandalorian jolts forward a little as you shuffle the crying baby around in your arms until her chest and stomach is resting against the inside of your forearm, her arms and chubby legs dangling lazily around in the air and her cheek tucked against the crook of your elbow. It takes a few moments of tenderly stroking her back to get her cries to soften into something less ear shattering, and you let out a relieved sigh when her whimpers turn into little coos and grunts.

“I think she might be colic,” You inform the caretaker with a shaky whisper, his helmet tilted to the side with what you think is either curiosity or shock as she dribbles, “I’ve uh, I’ve seen this before and read about it. Are you making sure to burp her after each feeding? Or perhaps she should be using a different formula if she has a sensitive tummy?”

“I--” He drops his helmet a little, staring at the cooing infant that you’re bouncing a little, “She wasn’t spitting anything up and I just thought… I wasn’t sure how to do it, how to burp her.”

You give the black and yellow Mando a sympathetic expression and nod, your eyes still burning with tears, “Babies can be pretty fussy sometimes, but once you find out how they like to be held and handled, it makes things a little bit easier. This tends to be a good trick at calming a lot of babies, but you need to make sure she gets burped after every feeding or else she’ll be really uncomfortable and even fussier than normal.”

“Thank you,” The caretaker nods his gratitude as you continue to stroke her back and you give him a weak smile in response, “Could you maybe get her to go to sleep? I should check on the others and I--”

‘Need a breather.’

He doesn’t say it out loud, but you hear it in the way his deep voice drops and his shoulders fall at the mere thought of having a few moments of peace and relaxation.

He fidgets when you hesitate, though Paz places a gentle hand on your nape and he must realize that something is wrong as he squeezes the warm skin there; it’s something he only does when he’s trying to comfort you. Afraid that your voice will fail you, you offer the caretaker a jittery nod and he wastes no time in leaving the nursery that’s dedicated to this tiny infant. 

You find it difficult to even look at Paz as you make your way over to the rocking chair that seems far too small for any Mandalorian and slowly sink down until you’re sitting comfortably with a cooing, sleepy baby tucked in your arms. A soft sigh escapes your lungs when you feel a little bit of drool soak through the material covering your elbow and you risk a glance at Paz when he gets down on a knee next to the rocking chair, his gloved hand moving to gently squeeze your bicep.

“What happened?” He questions as quietly as possible, warranting a tiny grunt from the irascible infant, “Why are you so sad all of a sudden?”

The way he asks such a question so softly instantly leaves you feeling painfully raw and vulnerable and you are quick to shoulder away a tear before he can wipe it away for you; you shake your head viciously, “It’s nothing.”

“Cyare--”

“I will explain later.”

The Mandalorian gives you a curt nod and retrieves a piece of cloth for you as you move the calmed baby to burp her against your shoulder. You can tell he wants to say something as you pat her between the shoulders, but he remains silent and tilts his helmet to the side upon hearing the infant gurgle and do her business against the cloth draped over your shoulder. It doesn’t take long for her to fall asleep once she’s burped up all the air and spit from her meal and you let out a grateful sigh when you watch her eyelids slowly droop, somewhat eager to get her out of your arms and into her crib.

Once she’s comfortable in her cradle and fast asleep, you are quick to exit the little alcove, Paz hot on your heels as you practically storm past the exhausted-looking caretaker who’s sitting on a stone ledge in the main play area.

“Hey thank you for--”

You’re out of the nursery before he can fully express his gratitude to you and you hear Paz mutter something to the caretaker before rushing after you. Halfway down the tunnel leading to his private quarters, Paz catches up to you and carefully wraps his leather-clad fingers around your bicep, turning you around to face him.

“Cyare! What’s going--?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” You don’t even realize you’re sobbing until you hear your own voice and Paz’s other hand comes to squeeze your shoulder in a comforting manner, “Wh-Why didn’t you tell me there was a baby and why would you make me…? I didn’t know and... Maker, she was so much like--”

Your chest is heaving, tears streaming from your cheeks like raging waterfalls and Paz gently pulls you to the side and covers you when another Mandalorian passes you two, giving you what you’re certain is a curious gaze. He cups a massive hand to the side of your neck and leans down as you continue to sob and babble incoherent pleas at him, wondering why he’d put you through this, though he truly had no idea what he had done to you.

“I-I am sorry, cyare,” He breathes, squeezing your bicep firmly with his other hand, “You seemed to love the little ones so much and I thought… I thought you would love to see the baby, but I didn’t think…” He shakes his helmet in a jolting manner as you viciously rub at your eyes and cheeks, “What happened? What did I do wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” You ignore his frantic questions as you try desperately to stop the tears escaping your eyes, along with the horrific memories from flooding your mind, “I didn’t mean to be so rude! I thought I was over it and I could forget, but seeing her...”

“Shh, hey, it’s okay,” He hushes you in a kind manner, shielding you from any wandering eyes that might see your tears, “Why don’t… why don’t we go back to our room and you can tell me what’s going on? That’s what you said the other day, right? That we should talk about the things we feel?”

You nod your answer, not trusting your voice in that moment, and you try your hardest to force down the massive lump in your throat.

“Will you tell me why you are so broken up over seeing the baby?”

He’s quick to pull you in close, hunching over to hold you easier and you immediately stuff your face into the crook of his neck as you give him another jittery nod, “I fear you will hate me upon hearing what I’ve done in the past--how I have failed the ones I was supposed to take care of.”

“I… I could never feel such a thing towards you,” He promises with a deep exhale, sounding just as heartbroken as he reluctantly pulls away and leads you closer to his private quarters, keeping a firm hand on the small of your back, “Whatever it is, I could never hate you, I swear.”

Your chest aches more and more the closer you get to his private quarters and once you finally make it, he’s quick to sit you down on the foot of his bed, kneeling down as he collects your hands in his leather-clad ones.

“What is haunting you, ner cyare? What makes you cry so much when you sleep?”

You pray that once you tell him, the horrific memories won’t weigh heavy on your conscience any longer.

Translations:

Ner cyare=My beloved

Mesh’la=Beautiful

Ori Kebiin=Big blue

Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum=I love you (lit. I know you forever)

Saviin’ika=Little violet

Verd’ika= Little soldier

Di’kut=Idiot, useless individual, waste of space (lit. someone who forgets to put their pants on)

Taglist: @parabatai-winchester @auty-ren @theocatkov @oloreaa @talesfromtheguild @blindedbyyourgrace17 @datmando @dartheldur @miscellaneous-mando @karpasia @ben-is-a-hoe @the-feckless-wonder @whatababeleia @maybege @aerynwrites @corrupt-fvcker @lackofhonor @phoenixhalliwell @crazy-kat-in-the-hat @roxypeanut @mandolovian @honestlystop @teaofpeach @macabrefaerie @acynicalcat @spaghetti-666 @readsalot73 @lanatheawesome @absurdthirst​ @anakinsittinginsand​ @yes-music-is-my-religion​ @tangledlove27​ @justrunamok​ @peqchynero​ @haloangel391​ @awhiskeywithawinchester @aliciaxglasgow​ @bonesaldente​ @kawaiitimecharm​ @karaabove​ @clydesducktape​ @misssilvertongue​ @heartxheat​ @pazvizslasgirl4ever​ (Please let me know if I missed you or you’d like to be taken off!!)

Author’s note: As always, thank you all so much for being as patient and kind as ever <3 I don’t know why this chapter was such a struggle for me to finish, but I’m so glad eventually managed to get all the words I wanted down lol. I was worried it might seem like there’s a lot going on in this chapter, but I just wanted more interactions with our nurse getting more settled in with the tribe and meeting others, so hopefully this chapter doesn’t seem like it’s all over the place :( Anyways I love you all and thank you so much for all the support y’all continuously give me <33

[decembermoonskz]

omg having so many thoughts but i love ur OCs so much!! i can see that you already have a lot of ideas for the story/world and thats so cool, i'd love to see what comes out of it!!! kohaku /looks/ like such a big brother, the type that would tease you but is like the Bestest Brother??? also, bakugou but so much nicer HAHA i totally see the raichu in tora? and not to carry on the pokemon thing but yuki looks like she would have a glaceon... i do love that.... and finally kiryu oh my god reading through the other three's bios, i was like ???? i am so intrigued about kiryu???? and rightfully so too. i don't wanna sound like im pressuring you to post more about ur OCs but i really do hope you can... bring something.. about? like, i look forward to what you have in store relating to them, but also i realise you might not make public the entire story. that makes no sense, but thank you so much for sharing!!! ps. love the art, i wish i could draw people sIGH

WAIT I JUST NOTICED does kohaku have two piercings on one ear omg

*crying* you have no idea how emotional this makes me. whenever I show ppl that don’t really know my ocs their stuff I get so nervous but when ppl say they love them that’s honestly one of the biggest compliments I can get they’re my babies 😭😭 I’m gonna ramble more under the cut so I can just talk in detail (+ a sketch) about what you’re saying here hhhhh

For starters yes, haku is 100% the best big brother and he and Tora have two older siblings actually, Teika being the oldest and Hanako the second daughter. I love this family so much 🤧🤧🤧 honestly Kiryu is more of bakugou than haku but haku has the ability LOL it’s funny 😂😂😂

Tora used to look waaaaay more like alolan raichu actually but she just evolved over the years and became this beautiful girl 😭😭😭 *feels proud*

Funny enough Yuki wasn’t inspired by a pokemon but yeah she’s the type to have like Glaceon, Gardevoir, those elegant types of pokemon 😔✌🏼✌🏼

Kiryu is a best boy I love him to bits you have no idea. He just quickly became one of my favorites 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Kat thank you so much that’s such an honor!! I’ve built some of their story and worlds and I actually have a ton of other ocs in this world setting too. You’re not pressuring at all and I’d honestly love to talk about them more. I may just have sudden spurs of motivation to just talk about them which is why I numbered my ramblings 😂😂😂

Also yes haku does have piercings and I doodled this impulsively when you mentioned them (I love his piercings so much)

[mrscolesprouse]

No I totally understand all of that. The writing is definitely better than Riverdale and I understood the cheating but it hurt non the less. The Riverdale cheating wasn't justified and ruined two relationships just to fit a sing in. Now a whole season later still hasn't fixed it and it's going to finish soon. Hopefully we can get bughead back together soon again.

I can understand Jules and why she did it. However, I look at her and think she wants to fix Rue and then she could fix someone who has an addiction as she couldn't help her mother.

The scene when jules calls her Sponsor broke my heart. She really wants to try this time around but her addiction ergues are too string mixed in her depression and massive trauma and grief of losing her dad. That grief is still raw fir the whole family.

As for Lexi and Fezco I absolutely adore them together. I love their dynamic. I love how Yes it's the bad boy and perfect girl next door stereotype but it's not at all. Their so similar and a like but yet so different.

I love when Maddy baby sits you can really see the caring side to her. She let's down all these walls.

A few episodes back I thought something was definitely going to go on between her and the mother with her asking her to unzip the dress and how that whole scene played out and then we rolled into the last episode with the pool scene and them having a heart to heart. But that could also be taken as Maddys found a mother figure she's comfortable with.

Even if their's a slight age gap between cassie's mom and the other woman it still could work as they may have been in a different year same Kapa house.

It's such a tricky situation with Cassie because yes they weren't dating but deep down it was wrong because she knew the history between Nate and Maddy.

The fact Nate actually gave Jules the tape was a massive shock. I do think that deep down he still loves them.

I wish Kat will be honest with Ethan but she can't as she's not honest with herself. Which is honestly the reality with so many people.

It's interesting what their doing this season I can't wait to see how it pans out.

*i wrote this all thing and then it got deleted so sorry for the delay*

*haven’t watched the last ep so NO SPOILERS PLEASE*

i agree with basically everything you’ve said.

i think jules really cares about rue but yes, would rather rue’s drug problem be fixed then help her get through this time, and i don’t mean ‘get through’ like support her drug problem, i just mean to show her what she has to live for, show her there’s someone there for her. and i know that’s a lot of pressure for jules to be under. but not being able to fix rue does not give her any excuse to cheat on her. (that’s kinda the basic gist of what i said but i can’t remember and i’m really mad cause it was a good explanation)

i think you meant rue but yes i just love that scene. zendaya’s acting is phenomenal. the scene, i think it was a couple eps back, when she walks into the church and labrinth is there, singing, and it switches to her dad was so moving, i was bawling my eyes out. i also love ali talking to gia about how she’s feeling.

I LOVE LEXI AND FEZ. listen, i love fez because i know he got caught up in this life as a kid and he doesn’t want it, he so desperately just wanted to go to lexi’s play and have a normal night. i love them.

i love the side of maddy we see this season. i mean obviously like my heart breaks for her but i loved seeing the vulnerable side to her. she really cares for the kid she babysits and i think maybe she’s projecting her need for a healthy companionship.

yeah i heard people were finding them sexual. i don’t know i didn’t really get that vibe i think it was the scene set up but i honestly think this older woman figure is great for maddy.

i think that would be a really interesting thing to explore, cassie’s mum and samantha (minka kelly) seeing a dynamic with people who aren’t teens are always interesting to be.

i don’t trust cassie as far as i can throw her. she’s pissing me off. she has a victim complex, has no self awareness, and completely shit on all her friends to be with guy who she KNOWS was abusive to her best friend purely because she’s got daddy issues. like babe, we’ve all got daddy issues, i’ve got MAJOR daddy issues, but i have good morals and would never do what she did, so yeah she’s pissing me off. like your dad leaving is not an excuse for you to be a shitty person to your friends. *spoiler alert my dad left, i’m not sleeping with my best friends *abusive* ex-boyfriend*

sorry.

i need a breath.

okay.

nate rubs me the wrong way, but i definitely think he was being genuine and sincere when he gave jules the tape. (also side note, the show didn’t confirm if jules was going to explore her gender identity further after the ‘fuck anyone who’s not a sea blob’ episode, i think we could see her clothing and makeup change up but i don’t know if she changed her pronouns to she/they. online it’s says she/her, but i’m not 100% sure if they’ve changed them, so i don’t mean to misgender jules by referring to her as ‘she/her’)

kat’s gaslighting scene was awful to watch. i hated it. ethan did not deserve that. she should’ve broken up with him and been done with it. the way she did it was very disappointing and made me lose respect for kat. not that we’ve seen ANY of her this season but i hated that. poor ethan. deserved better.

really excited to watch the last ep!!!!!

thanks for this ask i’m sorry it took so long to get an answer! if anyone responds, no spoilers from tonight’s ep! <3

[kyoutos-kisses]

~Confession~

This is for the @planetoshun 90's-2000's theme server collab! It's a lot longer than i originally planned but I really enjoyed writing again, it's been so long!!

song: End of The Road- Boyz || men

word count: 2,625

cw: SFW, Bakugo x Kirishima, friends to lovers, All parties are 18+

Graduation day is in a week. A few days later Kirishima is supposed to be going on a trip with his moms for 2 months. Bakugo isn't ready to be away from his best friend for that long, they are always together, especially after moving into the dorms. Breakfast, training, school, after school workouts, grocery shopping….Ei is always around. Bakugo has known for a while that he feels something special for the redhead, but has yet to bring it up. He thinks Ei feels somewhat the same but isn’t sure. There's always that nagging voice that says Kiri deserves someone better….

As Kat lays in bed he thinks about what to do- he is worried he is running out of time. What if Kiri goes on this trip and finds someone? A Lot can happen in 2 months. Kiri could find a pretty girl to make him smile. He could decide to move for good. Get married and gives his moms pretty grandbabies.

Kat starts to tear up at the thought of Kiri with someone else. Graduation could be the end for them, it could be the goodbye Bakugo never wants to happen. He doesn't want to let his best friend go. Who would be there for him on the bad days? The good days? Who would tell him dumb stories about all the animals seen on his patrol shift that week? Who would sing and dance in the kitchen while cooking? He’d be lonely. So much would be gone from Bakugos life if Kiri leaves. It would be so dull if he never came back. His heart starts to hurt, he can feel it clenching at the thought of Kiri never returning.

After thinking about it for a while longer and crying for a good hour- Bakugo decides he is going to say something to Kiri before it's too late- before he has the chance to back out. He moves to sit at his desk and pulls out a pencil and paper, he needs to get his thoughts out or he’ll mess it up, Kiri deserves the best- he can’t mess this up. It has to be perfect. Kat writes his feelings out, the things he always wanted to say-the little things he loves that Ei never notices about himself...everything he has ever wanted to say over the last few years of knowing Kirishima.

After throwing every thought onto paper, Kat runs into a problem. How does he do this..a speech? a letter? a song? no-definitely not a song!

A letter doesn't sound too bad, neither does a speech. Maybe he could swing both. Make a speech for everyone and then a letter only for Ei...something personal that Kat loves about his dorky, croc wearing redhead.

He knows exactly what he’ll be putting in the letter, it’ll be for Ei’s eyes only. The speech though...he knows when and he knows to do it full of confidence but he doesn't know what to say yet. He doesn’t want to embarrass either of them or make Ei upset for some reason. There are too many things that could go wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Bakugo prepares to walk across the stage and receive his diploma, an avalanche of emotions hits him. He is suddenly full of anxiety, nervousness, excitement, and some fear..even though he’ll never admit to that last one. He’s got the letter for Kiri neatly written and ready to be given away. He’s got his speech memorized and a few note cards stashed in his pocket, just in case.

It’s almost his turn to walk, he starts breathing a little heavier-the panic is starting to rise and settle in his lungs. He faintly hears the speeches given by Nezu and a few teachers, announcing the names of his classmates will soon be called along with the loud erratic beating of his heart, he reminds himself to breathe and that he NEEDS to do this. He NEEDS Eijiro to know the truth about how he feels. This is his last chance before the school year is officially over, before his self proclaimed deadline up and passes him by. He can do this...he can do this. Deep breaths...

He can't do this...it's too much. Eijiro isnt gonna understand, he is gonna mess up his words and Ei wont know what he means. Bakugo goes to turn and leave the line as he hears Mina’s name called by Present Mic. Before he can get too far, he feels strong hands grip his shoulders and suddenly he is face to face with Sero.

“You’re really gonna leave? You of all people are going to choose to run away?”. Bakugo gives him a look, “I’m not running away...I just have to-I need some air.” Bakugo tries again to leave but Sero only follows, causing a puff of air to leave Bakugos nose and a hand to fly up and rub his face in annoyance. “Look Tapeface, You don't need to go follow. I’ll be right back”. Once more he is stopped but this time it's by words instead of a pair of hands. “You know he feels the same right? He likes you just as much as you like him, I don't know if that will make you go out there and say what you need to say but you’ve been trying so hard to get this right….you asked me for help….ME! You came to me and asked me to proofread, I helped for hours to make sure you had everything you needed. I don't want to pressure you but….you need to know that he won't reject you….I haven't told him anything, but he's been asking about you since you haven't been around this week. He loves you Bakugo.” Sero takes a rushed deep breath after his spiel and tells Bakugo he is going to go back to the line.

Bakugo is stunned at first. He knew Ei was going to ask where he was since he hadn't been around but... Ei liked him? Loved him? Sero gave Bakugo the push he needed, He quickly marched his way back to his spot behind Tsu and was just in time for her name to be called.

He’s next. He is gonna walk up to that mic and tell Eijiro exactly how he feels. He’s gonna do it.

“Bakugo Katsuki”

Bakugo takes a deep breath and starts walking across the stage to Nezu. He gives a nod and a handshake then heads to the podium. Present Mic backs up and gestures for Bakugo to go ahead.

“I have something to say…” Deep breath, I can do this “These last few years have been nothing short of crazy. Everyone has been through so much. Hell, we are graduating! I don't want to get too off track here but uh..I guess good job guys- congrats, we did it.”

As Bakugo gets more comfortable in front of the audience, he decides to wing it. He doesn't want to sound scripted, he wants to soun- Be genuine.

“I decided I was going to get something off my chest before leaving today. I've been thinking and i uhh- shit this is kinda hard. Okay, I uhh...I” Bakugo looks to the left side of the stage and sees Kirishima giving him a thumbs up and Sero mouthing “you got this”. Bakugo nods, straightens up and runs a hand through his hair.

“I noticed a long time ago that there was something missing from my routine. I was training too hard, I didn't like to go out and leave the dorms, I didn't want to be noticed unless it was for hero work.” Clearing his throat, he continued “That changed a while back and I started feeling differently about some things, but didn’t know what to say or do so I took a step back with training, I didn't push so hard. I talked a little more. Turns out going out isn't so bad, it wasn't so much of a chore. I liked being noticed, but only by one person. And not just for hero work, I liked to be noticed always. I WANTED it, enjoyed it.”

Taking a steadying breath in and letting the nerves leave him in a rush of air, Bakugo finishes off his speech with, “After the hard patrols, I found myself wondering what that person was doing, thinking. Were they really okay despite what was said? Did they have any injuries that nobody knew about? I wanted them to be around constantly, I wanted to know about their day, the good and the bad ones. The bad ones especially because I wanted to be there to comfort them, hold them, make the tears stop if there were any. I want to cook for them on the mornings when they are tired and want to sleep in. I want to make them smile and laugh, I want to be the reason they are happy. I want to show them what it feels like to be loved. So here it goes, I love you…..I love you Eijiro Kirishima and I always have.” The audience claps and a few people say “awww”, but that is quickly over with once Bakugo throws a glare in their direction.

With a quick look to his left, straight to a furiously blushing redhead, Bakugo smiles, winks then walks off the stage and goes back to his seat. He thinks he did pretty good, great even. So what if he stumbled a bit at first?

He reaches into his pocket and takes out the letter, he needs to get it to Ei’s seat before he misses his chance. He counts the seats, “Toru, Tenya, Kyoka, Denki '', he gets to Ei’s seat and places the creased envelope on the chair with a little tape and a neatly written EIJIRO across the front. Bakugo makes it back to his place just in time for the line of people to start coming his way. He gets smiles, winks and high fives from his classmates as he waits for Ei to make his way to the letter. He’s started to sweat a little, cursing under his breath- slightly worried it's going to blow away or that someone might read it before Ei gets to it. His heartbeat slows as he sees Ei coming down the walkway to his chair. Bakugo sees the smile light up Kirishima’s face as Kiri sees the letter with his name clearly written in Bakugo’s handwriting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kiri makes his way to his seat with a huge smile on his blushing face. After Kat showcasing his love that way, what would the note say? Kiri figured it would have a little explanation but nothing more. He takes the letter and places it in his shirt pocket, he’ll wait to read it till he is alone and can concentrate much better.

Back at the dorms, Ei is laying on his bed relaxing after a shower and packing. He remembers the note from Bakugo and gets excited all over again to read it. He hasn't heard from or seen Bakugo since the ending ceremony, everyone headed off in different directions and with family. Ei didn't know but Kat was in his dorm next door, not so patiently waiting to hear from his best friend.

Kirishima sits cross legged in the middle of his bed and holds the envelope in his hands, studying it. He goes to open it but his hands are starting to shake, he’s nervous...what’s the note going to say? He peels the little explosion sticker off that’s sealing it shut and smiles as he remembers gifting them to Kat a couple months ago. He pulls the paper out carefully, not wanting to damage the words written so carefully. As he unfolds the note, he can see the amount of effort put into this. The words don’t look sloppy or rushed, they’ve been written so neatly and there’s not a smudge on the paper. It looks absolutely perfect. After sitting and staring for a while, Ei starts to read……

I know you're leaving for the trip soon...I just couldn't let you go without getting some things off my chest. Do you remember the night Denki got us really drunk? We talked all about the past...I remember it...you said you’d never been in love before. Said you’d never known what it was like to BE loved….I’d like to show you if you’d let me?

The day we went “exploring” after patrol in 1st year, we walked forever till you found a meadow with all these flowers. You were so happy- running around, smiling and laughing. When we finally found somewhere to sit and relax, we just sat for hours. You picked flowers and played with the grass, found little caterpillars and watched the clouds.

You looked so beautiful- the sun was shining, butterflies were flying around and your eyes were so bright. You were just sitting and smiling, you looked so peaceful- no stress, no drama….just you and me. I’ll never forget it, that day you held my hand for the 1st time. I think it might have been an accident but even if it was, I'm glad you didn’t let go. We stayed until the stars came out then we walked to town for dinner. It was a simple day but from then on I just…..I couldn’t see things the same anymore.

The more I think about it, I wish that had been a date. It was perfect enough to be one. Maybe we’ll be able to go on one after your trip. I know how excited you are to go. That’s the reason for everything today.

I didn’t want you to leave and it be too late for me to tell you this. I didn’t want you to meet someone new...someone who you’d choose to move away with.

I love you Eijiro. My heart belongs to you, hopefully you’ll forgive me for taking so long to confess.

Have fun on your trip! I’ll be here when you come back… I’ll be here for you till my dying day. Just come back to me, okay?

~Bakugo Katsuki

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bakugo waited and waited for Kirishima to say or do something, anything. He didn’t want to celebrate without his best friend. At that moment there was a knock, then another and finally the voice he’d been waiting to hear.

”Kat? Can I come in?”

“Doors open”

Kiri opened the door. The first thing Bakugo noticed was the tears on Kiri’s face and the letter still in his hand. Bakugo stood up from the bed and walked a little closer to Kiri who shut the door and was wiping his eyes.

”Why are you crying?”

“because no one has ever called me beautiful before, made me feel beautiful. You did both in just a few sentences.”

Kiri launched forward, wrapping his arms around Bakugo and hugging him tightly. Stepping back a little and pressing their foreheads together, Kiri asked, “Did you mean it?”

Bakugo lifted his hand from being bunched in the fabric of Kiri’s shirt, softly placing it on Ei’s jaw and caressing his cheek with his thumb. Looking into Kirishima’s eyes, he answered, “All of it. Every word”

Their eyes bounced from lips and back to eyes before they both leaned in and kissed sweetly. As they parted, Kiri smiled and muttered, “You know...it was supposed to be a surprise..but I actually have a ticket for you to come with me. I’ve already cleared it with your parents….”

Bakugo couldn’t help the grin that broke out across his face and the laugh that boomed from his chest, “You little shit!”

~Fin~

[grannygerd]

PVRIS’ Lynn Gunn: "There's a lot of external pressure on things that really don't matter"

By Aliya Chaudhry - Louder

The pandemic has given PVRIS' Lynn Gunn pause to reconsider the important things in life. Here, she joins us to discuss livestreams, new music and the joy of meeting her fans' pets

(Image credit: Sasha Samsonova)

PVRIS have been keeping busy since releasing their highly anticipated third album, Use Me, in August 2020. As well as unleashing a deluxe edition of the album at the end of last year, they’ve been holding a virtual concert series via the Pillar platform, playing each of their albums in full, starting with their 2014 debut album White Noise, last November.

Continuing the trend, on January 9 they kicked off 2021 with a livestream (yeah, they're not going anywhere for a while) of 2017 album All We Know Of Heaven, All We Need Of Hell.

Beyond the livestreams, Lynn Gunn – the creative force behind PVRIS – has also been staving off lockdown boredom by remixing music for artists such as US indie rockers Joywave and actor and musician Kat Cunning.

Here, we speak to Gunn about PVRIS' livestreams, releasing music during the pandemic and the reality of connecting with fans virtually.

Pandemics, having to release albums without touring... how has the last year been for you?

"I think it took a bit of pressure off everything. It has had everybody really just do it – put an album out and share music, and that's what it should be about. I think a lot of the time with album releases, there's so much pressure; around release numbers, the charts, what your touring numbers are. There's a lot of external pressure for things that really don't matter. When someone releases music, it's for people to listen and enjoy and take it for whatever they want If someone wants to listen to the album, they're gonna listen to it. And if they don't, they don't. It felt really good just to get to release the album and have it live."

I also wanted to ask about the deluxe edition, because that came out kind of by surprise. What made you decide to release that?

"There were just a lot of leftover demos and songs that we wanted on the album – or were kind of debating being on the album – such as Thank You and the alternative version of Things Are Better. There's still a lot of others that didn't make it onto the deluxe as well, but it gave us a chance to kind of showcase different sides of Things Are Better and Loveless… We wanted to give a little bit of extra love with what we could."

What made you decide to do the full album play-throughs for the livestream series, as opposed to a more traditional setlist?

"Right now we wanted to find the best way to stay connected with our fans and the community within that. We thought, what better than just kind of revisiting everything and going back down memory lane? Obviously it's been a crazy year and a crazy time. I think a lot of people are reflecting on their past, their present, their future, and it's been cool to just revisit everything and give those albums their moment in a modern virtual show context."

A lot of people are talking about the future of livestreams and whether they'll stay around after shows come back. Both because it's a way for artists to make more money but also it makes shows more accessible. Is it something you'd be open to even after tours start back up?

"Definitely. We can only do so much with the resources we have and the budget we have at this time, but hopefully, when the world turns a little bit back to normal, we can continue to do the streams. I definitely wanted to do more, as far as lighting and production, but we can only really do so much right now. But that would be my one thing with it – if it's a thing that continues, I want to make sure we can do something that's unique and elevated from the ones we're doing right now."

What's it been like, connecting with fans and interacting with them online?

"Our fans are so fun, and funny and amazing and sweet and talented. I'm just really grateful that we have amazing people supporting our music. I go through waves where I feel really weird about the internet. I'll just leave it and vanish for a month, or not go on for weeks. But I think especially when we launched Pillar and started going into a little bit more of a tight-knit setting to interact with our fans, it's been really, really nice and I love it."

How have the virtual meet-and-greets been?

"They've been so fun. I was really sceptical when we were first discussing doing it, because I really felt that it might not be as fulfilling or as high quality of an experience as an in-person meeting. But in my opinion, I've enjoyed it more than when we do in-person. When we did it online, we were doing like 20 people a day versus on a normal day on a regular tour, where we would meet about 100 people in a day. And typically, just because of circumstances and how scheduling is and how venues are, a lot of the time we'll have to rush because the doors will need to open and they need to let people in or there's some issue with security… and we can't spend too much time. So the virtual meet-and-greets have been really great for having extended time to talk to everybody. I also think that because I'm in my home and people are in their homes, it's really disarming and casual and comfortable. I've gotten to meet people's families, people's pets, their partners, and it's just really wholesome and awesome. I love it. I want to do a lot more."

You've been doing a lot of producing recently, was that something you always wanted to do?

"I've always been doing it under the radar, but haven't really released anything or had the confidence to really fully go for it. The pandemic was definitely a nice time to actually sit, take the big gulp and go for it."

Have you been working on any new PVRIS music?

"Yes. It's hard to get stuff completed right now just because part of the process that's really fun for me is taking whatever I'll make at home and bringing it to somebody, and then getting to go crazy on instruments and synths and have that studio exploration time. That's obviously hard to do in a pandemic. There's ways you can kind of make stuff work via Zoom, and it’s definitely been a learning curve to adjust to as far as writing and producing at the time, but it's fun. It's been cool to have downtime to really dive in."

Use Me is available now. You can find details about PVRIS' livestreams on their official Pillar page

January 13th, 2021

[ithappensoffstage]

about your recent post: please do ramble 🥺 i want to hear what you think about those parallels and protag and protagoneil in general so much! please just write whatever is on your mind because we really need it 🤍

Alright, let’s do this!! Answer and--obviously--film spoilers under the cut! I’m flattered that you’ve asked me to do this and hope I can articulate this well; if I don’t, and even if I do, please feel free to ask any follow up questions/clarifications.

The subject of this rant is why some dialogue parallels are Backwards Boyfriends-esque.

In London, at Shipley’s, we have this scene between Kat and The Protagonist. (Note: I’ll shorthand him to Protag from now on). 

KAT: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There’s a lot of work before any kind of valuation - provenance, microscopic examination, X-rays…

PROTAGONIST: But what does your heart tell you?

This is their first meeting. Protag approaches her with an offer, blackmail, and all with the intent to use her as a means to meet Sator. Still, Protag treats her kindly. Not gentleman-Bond, sauve-seductor kind, but with human interest. He’s ostensibly asking about the forged drawing here… he’s really talking about if she believes him, what her heart tells her about HIM. Because he is about to test her faith. He is about to reveal to her that he’s brought a forgery and needs her simply to meet her arms-dealing husband.

(I don’t think this is a “heart” thing like “love.” Protag and Kat, to me, never approach romantic entanglement. That’s another ramble for another time, though.)

Now, in Tallinn, we have this exchange between Neil and Protag.

Neil: It’s unknowable. If you’re there to make a change, you’re not here to observe its effect.

Protagonist: What do you believe?

Neil: What’s happened’s happened.

Once more, ostensibly, Kat’s wound, the car chase, and briefcase. Protag here, though, is asking “Do you believe in ME? Do you believe I can accomplish or change this based on what you know of me, have seen of me, [love about me]?”.

I think it’s important to note how, in the first scene, what dialogue I haven’t included in this text is Protag asking, “What’s it worth?”--you can see it in the photos on this post. Subtextually, let’s regard this as, What is involving yourself in this scheme worth to you? Is your freedom worth it, etc. Again, that belongs in my why-I-fucking-love-Kat’s-arc rant, so we’ll just leave it there as something to consider moving through this next bit.

The most vital distinction between these scenes is the dynamic behind the reaction from Kat versus the reaction from Neil. Kat is bothered, worried, distraught: negative emotions. She caves, though, under that pressure. And is subsequently powerless to stop the story from happening to her.

Neil is frustrated: negative emotion. But he’s also teaching Protag how to be the Protag he knows, and is really the one leading the interaction here, because he gets to decide how much to tell Protag and when. Yet, he’s also giving rules given to him by the Protag in the future. Regardless of how I view their relationship, that’s extraordinarily significant because it’s this circle of deciding for one another when the other can know--a circle of giving one another power. It’s Neil’s entire thing about not giving himself an excuse to do nothing. Every decision he makes controls Protag’s future and thus also Neil’s own. So his hesitation is not, I think, that Protag might screw this mission up--what’s happened, happened and all--but that he could harm himself or Kat by doing this thing that Neil wasn’t aware happened before/yet.

Anyway, also, the framing of this dialogue. Holy shit. Didn’t I tell you this would be a ramble? This set-up is the same, and not because Nolan is a weak writer by any fucking degree. This is so purposeful.

Protag: question

Kat/Neil: answer, plus an issue with the posited next step in Protag’s plan

Protag: What does your heart tell you/What do you believe?

“Believe” being in italics really gets me. ESSENTIALLY, THEN, HE IS ASKING NEIL IF HIS HEART BELIEVES IN THE PROTAGONIST. Not in physics or some shit, but, if I go out there right now, does your heart tell me I’ll live? But Neil’s not sure because the Protag in the future, the man he knows (and loves) hasn’t died, didn’t die, but is this different? But it can’t have--and Neil is lying quite a lot in the movie, balancing what he’s aware of so he doesn’t muck up the Protag’s trajectory--so he calls it “unknowable” when what he truly means is “I know you and Kat live through this so of course I believe you live through this.”

Protag also isn’t interested in science or art, which is SO FASCINATING. Like. He doesn’t care about the x-rays; he wants to know if Kat thinks it’s (he’s) real (honest/good) at the start. He doesn’t care about the theory; he wants to know if Neil BELIEVES. THINGS. CAN. CHANGE. FOR. THE BETTER. Or at least to a degree where everyone lives. Which is why at the end he asks if they can change it so Neil doesn’t die?? Like what the fuck aNOTHER dialogue parallel to the final showdown because the two people we see Protag care most about in the film have parallel scenes (the two above), then both are put in danger, and Protag wants to protect them even though he can’t change it but he WANTS to? I’m going insane.

So, why is this Protagoniel and not Protagonist/Kat romance? For one, oh-ho, I said I wouldn’t get into this, but Kat’s whole arc is about finding her own freedom. Why the FUCK would we add a romance to that. Her relationship with Protag is beautiful because it’s about betraying Andrei in a real way, not in some gross, male-macho ownership over Kat way. MORE ON THAT IF YOU WANT IT BUT I’m going to attempt to control myself.

The Neil and Protag scene is more romantic, even without the intimate setting (Shipley’s) and the word “heart” because they make it intimate? Car chase just happened, there’s just been an inverted round shot into Kat, Wheeler and Ives are there, and Protag takes Neil aside to ask him what he BELIEVES. Here, tell me this crucial thing about yourself, what makes you into you, your beliefs and values, and tell me right before I go put myself in danger, and also, you’re the person I trust most to give me this information. Wow, wow, and more wow.

UM so I do hope this makes a modicum of sense? Thank you for your ask and please, if you have more questions, throw them my way for more messy answers!!

[bitch-i-migth-be]

Crash Course | Chapter 05: Priorities

Fandoms: Danny Phantom, Batman,  

Relationships: Danny Fenton & Jazz Fenton,  Danny Fenton & Jazz Fenton & Vlad Masters, Ember Mclain & Kitty, Danny Fenton & Cujo

Characters: Danny Fenton, Jazz Fenton,Cujo, Ember Mclain, Kitty, Lunch Lady, Younblood, Skulker, Johnny 13, Random ghosties mentions *boo*, Vlad Fucking Masters Everyone

Words: 6′582

Tags: BAMF Danny, Ghost zone shenanigans, Sibling bonding, Shenanigans, Swearing, Family dinners, Heteronormativity?? The fuck is that, Danny in Cosplay, Ghost King Danny, 

Summary: He swore his sister was trying to make him go into cardiac arrest - considering his halfa status that was quite the accomplishment-

But there was no other explanation to his sister’s stubbornness, and if he knew her at all there was just no talking her down from interning at goddam Arkham.

A/N: 

Some of you *coming here for the fights, angst and The Drama™ that a DP & DC crossover inevitably involves*: “Hey-”

Me *Trying to write fluffy shit to liberate and soothe my deranged soul from this mortal prison*: “S'up?”

-.-.-.-

This is so long compared to the other chapters. Whhy is this so loooong. UGH- It’s almost double the length of the first four chapters together? I thought it was less?  This would have been bigger if I hadn’t posted chapter 4 first? What is happening

THIS IS ON AO3, IF ANYONE WOULD PREFER TO READ THERE. LOVE COMmENTs  so if u have anything to say IwillBeReallyHappyYesThankU

CHAPTERS: 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7

-.-.-.-

Phantom was currently drifting on the Ghost zone trying to hunt down his next unsuspecting victim among the ghosts.

‘Oh, how the turn tables.’ the halfa chuckled.

Jazz had kept her word and after pulling an all-nighter they had come up with some interesting options. 

Now he just needed to pull them off. 

The sound of growling at his back made him freeze on his tracks. He turned around to look at the source of the sound. 

“Oh,” Well, this certainly had not been on the plans. To stumble upon such a mighty beast this early on. He smiled. “Hi, Cujo!”

The happy barking that followed the greeting was rather endearing, normally whenever he crossed paths with the pup he would spare some time to play with him and teach him some tricks. After some months of the pup following him around and of the halfa trying to deny to anyone who would listen, especially Val, that the dog was not really his, Danny finally gave up and got him a new collar. 

The little guy was quite spoiled nowadays.

Sadly, right now he was on a timeline.

“Sorry, bud. No playtime today, I’m on a rather tight schedule.” Phantom cooed softly, reaching down to briefly scratch behind the pup’s ears. 

Cujo sat on his hind legs, paws in the air and tail wagging, effectively cutting off his path.

Not like he couldn’t try to fly around, mind you, but with a dog that could go gigamax on your ass, it was better to just talk your way out. 

Just when Danny was about to open his mouth the pup upgraded to excited wiggling on the non-existent floor of the zone.

The halfa sighed to himself. Fond smile growing without his explicit permission. 

“Cujo-” he tried, just to be interrupted again. “And there goes the whining, Oh. My. God.”

The boy covered his face with his hands, not daring to look until the sounds stopped completely. After a moment, he finally took a peek from between his fingers. 

Sad, puppy dog eyes were looking up at him, small little whine making a comeback.

Fucking shit.

He was going soft. 

-.-.-.-

“Match head.” 

The sound of the nickname momentarily dragged Ember’s full attention from the tuning of her guitar to the new arrival. 

“Baby Pop.” She took notice of the green puppy posing as a hat on the white-haired boy’s head and snorted, eyes going back to the guitar. “Blessed the eyes. You going Cruella on us now or what?” 

“Please,” The boy jested. “Like we need a remasterized skulker around here.”

“At least the woman did it for fashion.” She hummed. “You would make a horrid carpet, you are too fucking skinny.” 

“Excuse you, bitch.” Phantom shot back, irritation clear on his voice. Ember rejoiced on it. 

She faked a gasp,“ Are you saying you want Skulky to make you into a rug, baby pop? Scandalous!”

“T-that’s not-!” the halfa spluttered before Ember cut him off. 

“What do you want, cupcake? It’s not like you to venture so far into the Zone willingly unless you are looking for blood.” She questioned, carefully putting her guitar back in the case. 

The boy huffed.

“Whatever, Ashley,” he grumbled under his breath. “I think it’s time we revisited the terms of our agreement ” The boy sat by her side nonchalantly, not noticing — or outright ignoring — the sudden rise in temperature as the girl’s blue hair flared violently, a deep frown marring her face. 

Cujo did notice. But the little doggo was more distracted with the movement of the pretty light-emitting hair, and the fluffiness of the hair on his current method of transportation to register the imminent danger to his fur. 

Priorities.

“Revisit? You want to fucking revisit?” She growled. “I will tell you what you can fucking revisit-!”

The halfa just laughed at her reaction. Ember’s hair doubled in length. The laughter died off.

Her hand was getting dangerously close to her guitar.

Danny swallowed hard, deciding to just get on with it before Ember tried to use the instrument as a wanna-be war hammer again.

“It’s quite the contrary, my dear flaming hot,” he rushed to appease her “I want to expand on it,” he said, throwing in a sickeningly sweet smile for good measure.

He hoped it was enough to regain her attention in a more positive light. He didn’t want to explain to Jazz why his ghost form’s eyebrows were singed off. Again. He didn’t have time for more lectures. Thank you.

Luckily, If the hair-inferno reducing to a cheerfully blazing bonfire and the growing smirk taking over ember’s face was any indication he had succeeded. Cujo whined for the loss. Danny wanted to squeal for the win.

He did not. But it was a very close thing.

“Oh ho, now we are talking, baby pop.”

-.-.-.-

The window of opportunity to pull this off was very small. He had to take into account the amount of time that had passed since the last fight, the reason for the aforementioned fight, and how much of an emotional investment the objective really held for it to be a proper detonator. 

This operation required surgical precision, which meant a lot of preparation. And research.      

It was a good thing it happened so often. 

“I will be direct with you, sister,” Phantom spilled, sprawling himself on the free seat on Kitty’s right side. “your bitch boyfriend doesn’t know the jackpot he hit with you and that just ain’t gonna fly.”  

knowing where Kitty would end up after a fight with Johnny was not a problem. tracking down which bar she was going to be crashing for the aftermath was the real problem. 

Danny hadn’t even known there were bars in this place.

In the last months of his treaty with one Ember Mclain, he had learned plenty of- interesting facts about the Zone that he would prefer to forget. Not that he really had an option, Jazz had taught him early on that information on the enemy — and sometimes on friends —was a valuable asset to ensure victory. 

So he would play dumb about knowing these things. But he would not forget about them.

Couldn’t afford to forget them.

If the Ghost Writer pulled another surprise quiz on him and the answers were less than perfect the man would riot. 

The halfa stretched out a hand to take a menu and leaned his elbows against the bar-top. Cujo chose that moment to leave his position on the teen’s head to sit next to his forearm so he could peer at the menu too.   

He skipped the drinks section and went straight to the food. There was no way he was getting any alcohol. 

Don’t get him wrong. They would serve him whatever the fuck he wanted if he asked for it on the zone, but the teen had tasted it before and hated it with a passion. Fuck the peer pressure. Never again. Good for when you are sad? Bitch, just get ice cream. Maybe he should have asked Ember for Kitty’s favorite flavor and save himself the hassle. Oh well.

Too late now.

Danny chose his order but decided to risk a look at the drinks for non-alcoholic options while he waited for Cujo to paw at whatever he wanted.

Kitty, who had been spluttering and getting progressively redder since he made his entrance, was about to smack him upside the head because even if it was true the brat shouldn’t just go saying it like it was any of his goddamn business. They were in the middle of a crowded bar, these people didn’t need any more confirmation for her relationship problems. Couldn’t she keep some dignity?  

Before her hand could connect though, a pair of arms surrounded her, bringing her firmly into a backward hug against a warm chest. 

A very familiar warm chest. 

Startled, she looked up to stare into fiery green eyes.

“Cool it kitten,” Ember purred, clad in a leather jacket that was, most likely, scammed off some unfortunate soul. Still. She looked damn good. Kitty got so tongue-tied she couldn’t manage to even begin to stutter a response, let alone a protest. Danny took advantage of Ember’s intervention to finally place his first order. “Babycakes is right.” Ember continued, effectively cutting off all the air from kitty’s sails once and for all, because really, Ember was her best friend and if there was anyone who knew exactly how many times Johnny and Kitty had fought it was the blue-haired girl.

Kitty let out a defeated sigh and wiggled a little on the embrace to settle into it properly. Might as well get the best out of this- 

“Oh, they have frappes!” Phantom trilled in awe. Kitty twitched. 

If only Phantom would go away. Ugh. She couldn’t deal with males right now.

“Can’t you leave that thing alone?” Hissed Ember, who had seen the teen open the conversation with her kitty kat just to completely ignore her right after in favor of the menu. The bitch boy needed to focus, they were supposed to be on a mission here. 

“Hey! You were the one calling me skinny earlier!” Remarked the teen, only to get a raised eyebrow back from the rockstar.

“As if a single frappe is going to fix that. Give me that!” She sneered at him and snatched the laminated paper from his hands. Phantom tried to snatch it back and failed. So he resorted to pouting and tried to give her the sad puppy dog eyes. 

It wasn’t going to work with the matchstick, he knew, but it was good practice.

To pull this shit with Ember you had to be either Kitty, Youngblood, or an honest-to-god puppy. He was not risking ticking off Kitty more than he already had. Youngblood was not here — for obvious reasons—. Cujo was here and didn’t hate him, but sadly the dog wouldn’t be any help right now. 

The pup was already accepting belly rubs from the waiters and completely ignoring the world around him. 

Again: Priorities.      

So really, Danny was just doing this for the sake of being extra. 

While Ember and Danny continued with their dramatic standoff, the other girl blinked rapidly and turned her head towards Phantom.

“Oh” Kitty’s bad mood banished almost magically in favor of curiously peering at the teen’s figure. Danny fidgeted on his seat apprehensively.“I hadn’t noticed. You are really lean.” Ember snickered. Cujo — coming back from the belly rub induced coma — barked. Phantom sighed and just accepted defeat. 

“I suppose that’s somewhat better-” He grumbled under his breath.

Kitty allowed a tiny smile to escape from her lips but shook herself slightly to get back on track. “What are you two even doing here anyway?” She asked, alternating glances between them. 

“Pretty sure you already know,” Ember answered, rubbing her cheek against kitty’s green hair and sending A Look at Phantom. “Because someone is not subtle. at. all.” She ended with a hiss and a flare of her hair. Kitty winced lightly at the confirmation. Phantom rolled his eyes.

“Oh, Cry me a table, matchstick.”

Kitty knew alright. Ember made it her personal business to get involved in whatever petty fight Kitty got into, more so if it was about Johnny.  Phantom getting involved in the aftermath — and not the fight itself — was new though.“It was just another stupid fight. And- You know, his obsession-”

“Nope. That’s no excuse, Kath.” Ember cut her off. “If you can work around yours for him, then so can he.”

“You can do better.” The teenage boy agreed while Ember continued squeezing her. 

“What do you suggest then?”

Phantom and Ember exchanged a look, mirth flashing in their glowing green eyes and matching smirks growing bold, they turned to look back at Kitty. The green-haired girl gulped down her growing unease. In her experience, these two banding together was never a good thing for anyone.  

“We are here to talk to you about the Remember Initiative.”

-.-.-.-

“Such a skinny boy!”

“Hey! I’m just lean-!” Phantom let out a yelp as he ducked under yet another juice box “What’s with you people and your obsession with my weight-! Ugh! If you would just listen-! Wait. Is that apple grape?” He said the last part in a hushed rush, looking in silent awe at one of the little juice boxes she was about to throw his way.

The Lunch Lady preened.

“Boxy got them for me! 100% Juice Fruit guaranteed!” She was radiating smugness about these facts.

“Oh my gosh- Wait! NO. That’s not what I came here for!” Danny managed to shake himself out of his stupor just in time to keep evading the Lady’s attempts to shove a spoon full of food down his throat while he was distracted with the juice.  

The last time she had gotten a hold of him he had ended up feeling like one of his mom’s thanksgiving turkeys. Danny gulped. Best to just go for it and hope for the best. 

“Did you know that there are 37.2 million people living in food-insecure households?!”

The screamed question froze the lunch lady on her tracks. At the look of horror his words achieved, he decided to keep going.   

“1 in 6 American children don’t even know where their next meal is coming from.”

The lunch lady let out a horrified gasp, “Those poor children-!”

And with that, the woman exchanged her attempts at stuffing him for furious-but-mournful whisperings. She looked really constipated about this new information. Danny almost felt sad. Almost. 

“There is a way to help, you know?”

The lunch lady’s head snapped back towards the half-ghost, eyes narrowed in a glare. Not the usual I’m-going-to-choke-your-skinny-ass-in-food glare, but an I’m-paying-attention-to-your-skinny-ass glare. 

Danny refrained from openly cheering after sensing his upcoming victory. Better not chance it.  

“Have you ever heard about old San Nicolas?”

-.-.-.-

“You know,” Danny murmured, slurping noisily from one of his juice boxes as he watched from a safe distance how Johnny and Skulker got wrecked by a pair of cute-murderous-girls, “I wasn’t expecting that to work so well.”

His only response was a pair of little barks from the green puppy that was happily squirming on his lap.

The boy paused on his watch to look down at Cujo. Danny extended one of his hands towards the puppy to carefully try to swat at him. The cub rolled onto his back and trapped Danny’s upcoming fingers between his paws with a playful growl, giving little nibbles to the appendage.   

He couldn’t help the giddy giggles that escaped him. 

Those little paws were precious.

At the sound of high pitched screams Danny’s head snapped back up to continue watching the ongoing smackdown, surrendering complete possession of his hand to Cujo to do as he pleased. 

If the Initiative didn’t work out, both girls would do awesome on the wrestling circuit. Not like Ember lacked in the costume department.

Speaking of costumes, he wondered if the match stick would let him borrow her feathered hat. That thing was awesome. 

Better just ask. 

Once she was done throwing down with skulker, of course.  

He was not about to become cannon fodder. 

Priorities.

-.-.-.-

“Ahoy! me fellow comrades!! Your future Cap'n ’s talking!! I’m here on a recruiting mission to embark on the most perilous dangers of the Realms!! May ye, dear comrades, embark under your own risk! Arrrgh!! ”

Thanks to Youngblood’s presence the main residential area of Phantom’s keep was starting to become complete disarray. The adult ghosts were frantic for the possible kidnapping of the tiniest ghosts that was most likely going to happen. The children amongst them were cheering for the possible playtime in their future.   

The guards were starting to panic. No one had seen the kid enter, much less bring along that enormous ship of his. The little brat was not supposed to be here!

“Who the freaking hell let Young Blood get in?!” One of the guards hollered.

“It’s fine, I invited him.” Came the cheerful reply from behind the guard. “I’m expanding the lair so the kids have more space to mess around. Just don’t tell them.”

The ghost was startled at the voice but didn’t panic anymore. Instead, they started to relax. They knew that voice, but they needed to confirm-

“P-Phantom?”

Phantom, in full cosplay and sporting the biggest feathered pirate hat on this side of the realms, landed lightly beside the startled ghost with a little chuckle, “Just play along, man.”

“Also, pretty sure there should be a ‘Lord’ in there somewhere.”

“I-I thought you preferred to not be called that, my lord?”

Phantom winced.

“Ah- No. It’s- You know what? Never mind, I keep forgetting you guys don’t really get updates of pop culture on this side of the coin” Phantom frowned. “I really should see about getting some wifi for this place”

He continued to murmur about the updates he would need to do to the tech to make that possible. But the guard was not paying attention to his words anymore. 

They were staring speechless at the whole pirate get-up the halfa had managed to assemble. It had been mostly borrowed last minute — not that the guard knew that—. It looked really good. Especially the gold hoop earrings that kept swaying slightly alongside the fluffy white hair with every motion of Phantom’s head. 

The guard let out a dreamy sigh. 

Their Lord was so cute. 

“How is everything going?”

“Wha-?” Getting suddenly pulled out of their daydreaming 

“The preparations?” Danny hummed distractedly, diligently searching for his journal and pen among the numerous layers of clothing he had donned for the occasion. Why the fuck did this thing have so many pockets? 

“Oh,” Came the ghost’s soft exclamation, suddenly remembering the requests the owner of the keep had left the last time he had come around. Finally emerging victorious from his search, Phantom turned to look at them, raising an eyebrow at the lack of proper explanation “Oh, yes! Everything is going smoothly, and we received the last confirmations this morning, sir.”

Danny smiled at the answer, completely unaware of the effect his playful smile had on the guard and the other ghosts that had started to converge there upon seeing their ‘landlord’. “Awesome.”

That was the last one. 

-.-.-.-

Well, almost the last one.

He must admit that the shell shocked expressions on Sam and Tucker were funny the first few minutes. 

But after having to repeat himself over and over again it had gotten increasingly less funny.

“Y-you are leaving?” Tucker stuttered.

Danny sighed, “Yes, we are leaving. As in, Jazz and me.”

After gaping at him for another few seconds, Sam finally gathered herself enough to start talking again.

“what about the ghost?”

“I- um- already took care of that,“ Danny mumbled, nervously avoiding eye contact while playing with his milkshake straw. “I also cashed in some debts and asked some favors from my allies, so most will be taken care of until we come back. Either way, I will leave enough Fenton Tech for the both of you and Val. Just in case.”

“Enough tech?” Sam repeated incredulously. “That’s it? Just leave some tech and jump boat just like that?” Danny frowned but refrained from answering her until he thought it through. Sam wouldn’t accept less. 

Jump boat? That was not really the case. Jazz and he had really put some thought into this, heck even before the Internship on Loony Capital had come up — specifically, since Jazz’s breakthrough — the siblings had already been toying with ways to get some of the most persistent ghosts to back the fuck off, distract them with better and useful targets or entice them into submission. 

At first, it had been a tentative thing, something fragile that they didn’t let themselves hope for. But with Jazz’s change of course of action, it had become something more urgent. 

They had to pull it off. There were no other options.   

Danny pursed his lips, then took a deep breath to strengthen himself for what was coming. “That’s not it-”

“You are just going to dump us.” She announced like it was final in a harsh whisper. 

At least she was keeping her tone quiet.  

“No one is getting dumped, Sam,” Danny tried to reassure her in the same tone of finality, sans the harshness. “I told you. We already thought this through. I already put some plans in motion and rigged some backups and- ok. Meaby they are not good enough to be permanent but-”

“You are going to put everyone at risk just because Jazz somehow got the ridiculous idea that ‘talking it out’ is the answer” She scoffed.  

“Maybe it is. Maybe not. We won’t know until we try.”

“They are ghosts-”

“So am I.” Danny Interjected. Sam seemed to choke on her next words. 

“You are not a ghost Danny.” She had, somehow, gained a tone even more quiet and harsh than her previous one. 

“Aren’t I?” He was looking directly into her amethyst eyes. Daring her to fight him on this.

He already knew she wouldn’t. 

She had opened her mouth to rebut but closed it immediately after. She took a long breath; most likely to prepare for her next rant than to calm herself. Weighing her options. She didn’t seem willing to have that particular conversation. Not yet. Danny had counted on that. “It’s still a goddamn risk.” She finally countered, a slight sliver of defeat coloring her words.

Maybe he had been a little harsh, but he needed her to understand. “There is risk in every choice I could make. This is not different-”

“What about us?”

Ok, so she was just getting her second wind. Fucking amazing. “Sam, please-”

“We are your friends!”

“And she is my sister!” He finally snapped. 

She startled. Gazing at him speechless for a moment before standing up and storming out of her seat without a backward glance, making the people on her way part like the red sea. Leaving in her wake a bunch of curious persons staring after her and throwing shameless glances to their table. 

So much for not causing a scene in the middle of the Nasty Burger.     

The boys ignored the stares. They were already accustomed to being the focus of attention. Almost never positive, mind you. But that was what cleansings were for. 

Tucker, who had been silent for most of the back and forth, finally spoke.  

“She just needs time to cool off.”  

The Fenton boy would be lying if he said he hadn’t seen this coming. Sam had always been very opinionated and believed herself to be right most of the time. In her defense, she usually was right and knew how to go about expressing it to her friends without resorting to this kind of standoff. This just appeared to have struck a nerve.

Living with her parents and having to fight for every single choice she wanted to make had left her on a constant defense mode that the boys had learned to navigate in their years of friendship. It hadn’t been easy for anyone. But neither Danny nor Tucker were perfect. They had their quirky shit to deal with. 

The three of them stuck together and hadn’t bothered to try and expand their friend group that much over the years. Not like they had many options. But that was ok.    

Until now. 

With Danny leaving them the relative feeling of a support system was trembling at its foundation. 

She was probably scared. So was Tucker if the wobbly but sincere smile he was giving him was any indication.

Danny had to admit that when he let himself think about it he got scared too. 

They had been in the same boat for a while and parting ways was not something they had accounted for, not for the near future, at least.  

In a weird way, they still would be in the same boat even after they were apart. Struggling to learn how to function without the other there.  Sam and Tuck would have each other, they were resilient, he was sure they could cope. He would have Jazz like he always had, enough said. And they would keep going like they always did.

Tucker was right. She would come around. But-

Danny slumped on his seat, running a hand through his hair releasing a big sigh.

“Yeah, I know” He murmured looking pensively in the direction their friend had stormed off. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“So, you are not mad?” Danny asked when he finally turned around towards Tucker.

“Nah, man. Just a little squeezy about dealing with this without you. But if your sister is really going to do this she is going to need you there.” Tucker shuddered a little bit. “I have never been there personally but if the social media and forums are not lying Gotham is a goddamn beast dude.”

The halfa hummed in agreement. Not like Amity Park didn’t have its own reputation on their corner of the internet, but still.

Gotham.

Danny took a sip from his milkshake before doing a mental check-list and frowning, “I’m starting to feel like I’m forgetting something” he whispered.  

“Oh god, please don’t say that.”

“It’s okay,” Danny had made his best at planning, so his friends wouldn’t have to deal with the ghost in his absence. But with things like this, you never knew for sure. Not until it slapped you right across the face.“Probably just the paranoia.” ‘I hope’ he finished mentally with a weak laugh.

“Dude,” Tucker started before taking hold of his friend’s hand and squeezing it. “If you need help with anything I’m your man. just say the word.”

Tucker may not understand the full extent of the situation, but he was trying, and that meant a lot to the Fenton. He squeezed back and shot his friend a small but grateful smile. 

“It’s ok. Thanks, Tuck-” He cut himself off, being interrupted by the sudden ding of one of Tucker’s devices. 

The afro American boy ignored the sound though, in favor of putting his full attention on his friend, an action that demonstrated how serious he was with his words, but Danny was already lost in thought, staring intently at the briefly, but brightly, illuminated screen.

“Actually-” The halfa suddenly chirped, turning his full attention back to the boy across the table. Tucker just blinked back, waiting. Danny leaned forward dragging the other boy towards him so he could continue with a whisper. “You could help me with a pair of things.”

The mischievous smile Tucker was witnessing had come out of nowhere and couldn’t presage anything good, but as it was not aimed at him — necessarily — he couldn’t help but join in. 

Several cities over, some of Gotham’s more infamous residents couldn’t find an explanation to the sudden shiver that ran up their spines.

-.-.-.-

When Danny made it back home he didn’t waste time tracking his sister down. She was down in the lab, typing away on the main computer and using one of her shoulders to keep her mobile pressed against her ear.

She was in the middle of a conversation and still managing to rewrite part of the ghost portal code like a pro.

His sister sure loved multitasking. 

At the sound of the door closing behind the younger Fenton, Jazz looked up from the screen to shoot a brief smile to her brother before carrying on with her conversation. 

“Yes. That’s perfect, I will be sending the three files then-”

The boy froze on his step and blinked a pair of times. She was already talking with one of the G. A. proctors? When he left this morning he had just dumped his proposals on Jazz for a second revision. He wasn’t expecting to have them sent already.

Hmm. Well, to be fair, he had rambled at Jazz about his projects relentlessly whenever he had a chance and didn’t feel like death warmed over. 

Which weren’t many times. But once he got into a ramble it was an Olympic endeavor to shut him up. He was a Fenton. It was in their blood. Jazz did it too, even if she tried to chalk it up to healthy-and-completely-natural excitement.

So. Jazz already knew the contents pretty well, it was just a question of pulling off the presentation, which was the thing that Jazz was supposed to check over. 

His sister had given him some tips, and even if his parents were not as invested in the writing process as in the practical, the fruit loop had more than enough experience doing it and didn’t give two flying fucks over whether or not Danny wanted his knowledge.

Danny knew monologing was an essential part of a villainous experience but he had spent way too much time listening to Vlad bitch about most of his employees to last him a lifetime.

Even little Madeline couldn’t stop the loneliness that had brought the madness. Danny had put so many hopes in the fluffy thing.

Letting out a resigned sigh the boy decided to just let it go and be grateful that his sister - who had more than five Universities fighting over her-  deemed it acceptable already. 

He liked writing his ideas down, but using formal language and fudging APA was fucking exhausting.

Good fucking riddance. He thought, shaking his head slightly and sending a light sneer in the computer’s direction. As if the files on it could feel his disdain from his position on the other side of the room. 

Danny spotted some of her sister’s nail polish bottles by her side on the table and made a beeline for them and took most of the little bottles before retreating to a chair on the other side of the desk. 

He had heard some of the cheerleaders saying that the nail polish helped to keep the nails from getting all fucked up quite as easily, and it had caught his attention.

Danny had looked down at his hands and winced. Normally he didn’t pay much attention to his nails, but ever since getting on a constant string of fights he was more aware of how easily the goddamn things could break on you if you didn’t trim them properly, and it hurt like a bitch every time. It always seemed to be the tiniest things that told you to ‘fuck off’ to your face like nothing else.  

Danny guessed that it was worth the try. And if anything, putting some color on them would help hide some of the blood — and ectoplasm — that got under his fingernails. 

So he tried it out.

By this point, he was not sure if it really helped or he was just fooling himself into thinking it did work. The only sure thing was that he didn’t feel comfortable going without it anymore.

Danny liked to borrow the clear nail protector from Jazz, but most of the polish he had in his possession had been previously Sam’s. All pastels and cheery colors that her mom kept insisting on buying her because they kept being used.

“Thank you, Miss Gordon!”

If she had bothered to pay more attention to her daughter’s friends for more than sneering at them she may have noticed Danny’s pastel pink nails. But she hadn’t. And that had just ensured Danny a constant supply of pastels to cover his bloodied nails with-

“So, how did it go?”

“Uh.” The boy startled at the sudden proximity of the voice. He looked up from his nails and to his sister, who was now seated beside him. 

“The execution.” Jazz prodded, smiling at him in anticipation. It looked downright creepy, considering the words she used.

“Seriously Jazz?” He snorted. “You make it sound like I went there to dispatch murder at random.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” His sister scoffed, watching how her brother resumed painting his nails.  “They are already dead. You couldn’t kill them any more than they already are.”

“I could certainly try.”

“Danny-”

“Let’s just say the all-nighter paid off, and leave it at that.”

“So you had fun.” She teased. Stealing back one of the bottles of polish to finish her own nails with a second coat.  

“For the most part, but-” He stopped, struggling to find words to describe the sheer mayhem that went down in the zone-  

Jazz just hummed and gave him a little nod, still focusing on her nails. Danny relaxed. He could tell her later. When he had cooled off some more from the attack-protect mode he got into whenever he visited the zone. Remembering it all right now would just set him off again.  

“So, what do you want for dinner?” The redhead asked suddenly.

Danny blinked a pair of times, perplexed, and stole a look at the clock.“It’s a little late to be asking that, don’t you think?”

“I suppose, but I decided to wait for you and then got sidetracked with the files.” She really needed to work on her awareness of time. “Didn’t even notice the hour.”

“I don’t even remember what we have in the cupboards.”

“Maybe we could-” She didn’t manage to suggest something before she got interrupted by their mother’s voice.

“Dinner is ready!”

“They made dinner?” Danny whispered to Jazz in dread. 

“So it seems,” she responded, sharing his dread.

“Why did they make dinner? They never make dinner!”

“I mean, they do for special occasions, like-” She shuddered. “Like thanksgiving.”

This was ridiculous. Jazz and he were normally the ones cooking. Their parents spent most of their time in the lab or trying to hunt down ghosts. Today was not a holiday. They hadn’t invented anything new worth the ‘celebration’. There wasn’t a reason for them to-

“Oh! and Vlad is here~!”

Danny slammed his face against the desk with a groan.

Jazz winced at the sound. 

“Time to face the music, little bro” She closed the polish bottles and patted him carefully on the back a few times before standing up and going to the kitchen. 

“I still feel like I’m forgetting something…” Danny grumbled under his breath before following his sister upstairs.

-.-.-.-

It was the last Friday of the month and this could perfectly be one of Jazz’s many attempts to make them a functional family unit. 

Except that the Fenton girl had let said efforts slip in favor of pursuing her little brother’s scholarship. 

Oh, And the fruitloop was here. 

Vlad had weaseled into the family’s — unplanned — plans because of course, he did.

“Everything looks absolutely lovely Madeline.”

Jazz would have believed his words. If she hadn’t seen the man poke at the food on the table with the wariness of a man on the death warrant whenever mom was not looking.

The siblings had spent way too many family dinners doing the same thing whenever they couldn’t quite manage to keep the older Fentons off the kitchen. And even when they did, they didn’t lower their guard. The chance of contamination was always a latent threat to the house. 

Jazz turned her head slightly to look at her brother. The boy was, very pointedly, not poking at his food and just watched it with all the scorn he could gather. He refused to do the same things as Vlad, which didn’t mean he was crazy enough to try and eat the food on his plate.

The dinner proceeded with making some catching up, abundant science talk, teasing, scathing remarks, sighing, and finally dissolved in a three-way match between the Fenton children and one Vlad Masters to see who could dispose of the food in the most sneaky way.  

She had always wondered how the man survived with her parents for as long as he did back in their college years. She knew now.  

“Oh! And Jazzrinces finally decided on a college! The G.S.A. is backing up her research on ghosts! Isn’t that incredible?!”

Vlad smiled blandly at Jack. Skillfully suppressing the sneer the man’s cheeriness was trying to invoke to his face. He had lots of practice.

“And Danny decided to tag along to help his sister! Isn’t he such a sweet boy?” Maddie added with a cheer a little more forced than her husband’s. But still, cheer.

Now, that. That got Vlad’s attention. And he decided to take advantage of the children’s distraction to get more information and decide a proper plan of action. 

Dany was making it a point to completely ignore the three adult’s conversation. Jazz stuck to taking small sips from her glass of water. That was, until-

“Surely you’re not planning on sending them without some proper equipment, are you?” Vlad tutted. “Don’t get me started on weapons. I mean you never know for certain what will be indispensable, right?”

“That’s a wonderful idea!”

The heads of both children snapped up. 

“I mean, most of my research isn’t-” Jazz tried hastily to stop this on its tracks. 

Sadly, it was not to be.  

“Nonsense Jazz,” Her mom interrupted her, “It’s better to be prepared!”

Vlad hummed in agreement, “They won’t, after all, have anyone else to protect them from those trashy ghosts.”

Just like that, the Fenton parents started to list out loud all the things the kids would surely need for the research.  

Vlad smirked.

Danny narrowed his eyes at the pompous fucker.

Jazz resigned herself to keep sighing until the end of times.

-.-.-.-

“How are we supposed to take this with us..?” Danny whispered looking horrified at all the equipment his parents had just thrown their way

“Can’t you just put it in the thermos?”

“The ectoplasmic energies of each Item would clash horribly” Danny winced 

“You tried to…?” Jazz side-eyed him

“Yes.” He said curtly, “Wouldn’t really recommend” he continued with the air of someone haunted by the consequences of their life choices. death choices. Both were accurate, she supposed.

Jazz swallowed.

Cue in more silent horrified staring at the equipment.

“Maybe if we start with some boxes-”

“BEWARE!!! THE BOX GHOST!!!”

“Oh my god-!”  

“I Fucking knew it!!”

-.-.-.-

A little while after, once the ghost box was gone, and the siblings had retreated to Jazz’s room for safety and the opportunity of proper evening gossip. The fruitloop came barging into the room. 

“Ok. I raided the kitchen. There is nothing edible in this house. How do you even survive.” He stated, not asked, in a deeply judgemental tone.

“Magic. Pokemon Magic.” Danny deadpanned from his place on the bed. Jazz, who was cuddled beside him, was still chewing on the dry crackers that managed to survive the onslaught of their parents, for the simple reason that the things had been in her room. 

Vlad sighed and started to massage his temples. 

“Fine. Truce. Grab your things, we are going out.” 

Jazz slightly choked on her crackers. Danny just choked on air. “What? Where-?”

“To get some proper food, of course.” The man sneered like it was completely obvious and tagging a smirk on for good riddance.

“Why would-” 

“You have directions. I have the money. Chop chop. Before your parents catch us.” With that, the millionaire turned around and left, leaving the door wide open fully expecting them to follow along. 

The siblings stared at each other for a moment before scrambling after Vlad. 

Food was more important than playing the archnemesis-game. 

For the hundred time that day:

Priorities.

ENDNOTES:

I couldn’t help the fucking references. Danny is a dork and I am ashamed.

-.-.-.-

I headcanon Danny as someone who really likes pet names, be it because he really likes the person or because it pisses them off. Two stones a deader bird.

-.-.-.-

What do you mean The Avengers aren’t a boyband?

-.-.-.-

The siblings are firm believers of the borrowing culture. There is no shame in asking to borrow some things.

Are those Ember’s hat & earrings? Yes. Yes, they are.

Why does Danny have his ears pierced, you ask? BECAUse there is no absolute heteronormative bullshit in this household AND I MUST ADD THAT-!

-Danny & Jazz watched ‘The parent trap’ when they were small little beans and were really interested in whether or not piercing your sibling’s ears was the ultimate bonding moment.    

Jazz insisted on researching a lot more about proper sterilizing, mind you- but like the tiny feral unsupervised cupcakes they were, they decided to try it.

Jazz already had her ears pierced, SO, yeah.

It hurt like a bitch for Danny, and Jazz panicked for a week afterward about infections, but it was indeed a good bonding moment.  

-.-.-.-

If I ship Jason with some fucking therapy does that mean I can ship him with Jazz?

Ship’s name is JJ for you.

… I just gave myself YOI flashbacks.

Fuck.

-.-.-.-

You might want to say: ‘but author-san, those are not all the ghosts Danny deals with?’, and you are damn right they aren’t, but you must trust in Danny thousand-back-ups Fenton, my children.

(Also, where would be the fun if everyone was accounted for since now? You will see what went down later on. :p)

-.-.-.-

Don’t know if you noticed, but Jazz is not the only one that thinks Danny is a cutie patootie :v

Danny has long ago resigned himself to the being called “Lord” thing. Is better than the ‘K’ word.

-.-.-.-

The thing about the nails is something I do. I started because they looked pretty, I kept painting them because I felt they broke up more easily if I didn’t put like three coats of polish on them.

At least I don’t bite them as much anymore. :p

-.-.-.-

If there is someone on this green earth that knows about the struggles of living with Jack and Maddie Fenton, that someone is Vlad Masters.

Change my mind.

You can’t.

[brinaedwards]

Honey, I think We F*$#@# Up the Kids

The thing about this class that is really awesome is the fact that I can take a day to myself, watch movies and still call it homework. Euphoria took me a couple days of binge watching but still, it was nice to relax and take in films that I would have never watched on my own.  Some I enjoyed like MID90's, some I did not, KIDS. Like I said in my last post, I would not want to watch that film again. I have no real reason as to why not other than the fact I just did not enjoy watching it. Well the scene where Capser sucks kool-aid out of a tampon, yeah that could be a reason why not to watch it again.Everything else was really good though, then again I could watch The Breakfast Club all the time.

As a common theme of these posts I have a list of questions that I am required to answer next to me. After watching these films/tv shows, the character that I identified with most is a combination of characters. Specifically from Euphoria because honesty that show is pretty close to society today. Kat is someone I can easily relate to because when I was in High School, I was very much overweight. I never noticed it because I was surrounded by friends that didn’t make me feel overweight. Like Kat, those friends were really skinny and included me in things like going out and having a good time. I forgot what year but sometime during high school I met a kid who I fell head over heels for, similar to how Jules fell for “Tyler”.  However, I wasn’t catfished or anything like that but I was very manipulated by this dude, let's call him “Tyller #2”. . We were never together but I was like his side chick in a way. Similar to Jules, “Tyler #2”  convinced me to do things that I would never think of doing but being in a vulnerable state at the time, it was easy for him to take advantage of certain situations. For the first time I was very conscious of my weight, and tried all the dieting techniques out there and none of it worked. I eventually ended up being with someone else who actually made me happy and confident. But “Tyler #2” got under my skin again and I eventually broke up with the dude I was with under the false promise of being with “Tyler #2”. For years I was under this man-child's thumb and like Kat I spiraled, desperate to try and find myself. I would confide in friends and they would tell me to get away from this dude but I never listened. This kept going on for years. I ended up becoming friends with some not so great people because of it. Thankfully I got away before anything super awful happened. But back to “Tyler #2”. It was about a year into college that I got over “Tyler #2”, and that's because I woke up one day. I will never forget this but I remember him saying to me, “Maybe you should lower your standards and then you can get a guy”. I don’t know why that hit me so hard but in that moment I came to this realization that I shouldn't have to lower my standards for anyone, if anything I need to raise them. And that is exactly what I did.I blocked “Tyler #2” from all my social media, and when he called me out on it one day I looked at him and said “you are a disgusting, sad piece of shit”. After that moment I felt free. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I ended up losing a lot of weight and gained confidence back in myself. I found someone who exceeded my standards and I've been with him for three years now. I haven't seen or spoken to “Tyler #2” for a long time and I hope to keep it that way. There are things I know he has done to girls he was with, things that should have gotten him charged with assault but, of course nothing could ever be proven. That's why I can identify with Kat, Jules and come to think of it, even Maddy.

I guess that goes into the themes these films/tv shows portray in youth. Abuse, Social Pressure and Sex. When I would watch things like this around my parents or brothers when I was younger, they always gave me a look of shock and disbelief. As if things like that don’t happen in today's world or ever happened. And of course when trying to explain to them that things like that happen, they get defensive or even a bit disappointed that issues were never brought up. I think that’s because things like this aren’t  easy to explain, it's more than words can explain. A lot of it has to do with social pressures today, I mean social pressures such as the pressures of getting good grades, meeting parental expectations, peer pressure and massive world pressure that is being forced on us today. Euphoria didn’t go too much into detail of social pressure as much as it did with abuse and sex but The Breakfast Club on the other hand oozed it. For example, characters such as Claire, Andrew and Brian each went through their own pressures. For Brian he is pressured by his mother to get good grades no matter what, eventually the pressure of failing a class was too much for him and he brought a gun into the school. Yes it was a flare gun but the principle is there. In an article from the Pew Research Center, a study showed that “61% of teens today feel pressure to get good grades” That alone can cause anyone to go off the edge not to mention the public expectations put on youth, for example, Andrew having to win and prove to his father that he is cool. And how Claire values what her friends would think if they knew she wanted to be friends with the others. All those things are sometimes built up in one person and it's absolutely terrifying. The Guardian article on how Euphoria captures teen melancholy briefly mentions how we are a generation of school shooter drills. (I don’t know if that is meant as a description of how we are as a generation but that's not the point of trying to make). What I am trying to get across is that social pressure placed on youth today is scary, especially since there was a time where every few weeks there was a school shooting. I don’t want to get into gun laws because that is a long post for another day. I just want to get into the mentality of it all because The Breakfast Club highlights an important issue to mental health and what kids even now go through.

I remember being in highschool and my school had a serious shooter threat. My parents still sent me to school because they felt that nothing would happen. Nothing did but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t absolutely terrified. I did not attend any classes that day, instead I stayed in the band room that day because if anything were to happenI could hide in a cubby or run out the back door. Even more recently a few years back when SUNY Orange got a shooter threat, I didn’t even go and neither did a lot of people.

I am so thrilled that mental health awareness is something that is being recognized and taken seriously. The stigma behind needing therapy and vocalizing feelings needs to end, especially the stigma of gender roles. Abuse is a theme that is presented in all the films/tv shows watched this week. The Breakfast Club shows insight on domestic physical abuse through John, Euphoria gets more into the psychological, emotional, physical and self abuse that teens go through. This theme especially is something that needs to become more recognized and addressed. Abuse is not just physical, it is mental and emotional. Nate abuses both mentally and physically by using Jules as duct tape to make problems go away by black mailing her. With Maddy he uses his control physically, verbally assaulting her about how she dresses, oh the list can go on and on.

Sex is a common theme in all the films/tv shows this week and that is something that every teen goes through. At that age your body goes through changes and it’s only natural that it is explored. In todays world sex is not much of a taboo like it was for our parents. But at the same time I feel that it is. When I was in highschool sex was not talked about. It was mentioned once in health class but that was it. No one went into detail, there was no explanation about stds, how females need to check for things, the list goes on. KIDS was a film that went into sex way more than all the other films/tv shows. It highlighted the horrors of unprotected sex, such as contracting HIV. As much as I disliked this film it is one that needs to be seen. The lectures talk about the “Disneyfication” of things today but it's that way of thinking that is hurting the youth of today. I can understand that parents don’t want their kids going through such trama at a young age, but if they are not being taught properly, not being educated they are going to find out on their own. Any issues kids face today parents right it off as a “part of growing up” but when your kid doesn't know what a condom is, or how to properly use birth control what do you expect is going to happen when the daughter is pregnant or the son has an std? That is not a part of growing up, that is just pure negligence on the parents and teachers. I could really go way into more of a rant but I feel that a topic like this needs its own blog and this one is already long af. Here are links to videos that I watched that go more into detail about education today. I promise they are not that long.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Yt6raj-S1M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnC6IABJXOI

Long story short, abuse, social pressure and sex are themes that kids face on a daily basis. It’s amazing that there are shows out there like Euphoria or films such as KIDS and The Breakfast Club to make it known that this is real. The world is a scary place, but that does not mean censoring that bad stuff. It means that the youth need to be prepared for a shit world, and if they’re not shown or educated about things before the fact then honey, I think we f*$#@# up the kids.

To make this whole post a little lighter let's just talk about the music, the Euphoria soundtrack was all of today's music, which if you listen to half of them its all about getting laid and doing drugs. Sort of on theme of the show don’t you think?For MID90’s the soundtrack fitted the “skater” “punk” theme. A soundtrack is something that can spark a memory, make it feel relatable. Take you back to a time where you had a similar experience. For example, certain songs I listen to take me back to when I used to be at Billy Joes in Newburgh line dancing, getting wasted and then eating pancakes at the Alexis Diner. It makes me think of what kind of playlist would describe my adolescence. Oof, well isn’t that a trip down memory lane.

I grew up listening to metal, my brothers have their own metal band, so I would be the only toddler sitting on the amps coloring not giving a shit about all the grimey people in the audience haha. It would be only fitting that my playlist would consist of metal & rock. However, as I got older I enjoyed pop songs and a couple edm mixes. My list would probably be:

Fame - David Bowie

ARTPOP - Lady Gaga

Bring Me to Life - Evanescence

Everytime We Touch - Cascada

Evil Angel - Breaking Benjamin

Forest - System of a Down

Hype - NEFFEX

My Curse - Killswitch Engage

Nightmare - Avenged Sevenfold

Shout 2000 - Disturbed

https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/my-adolescents/pl.u-8aAVVgafjg0W9A

These would be songs I would listen to non-stop as teen in middle school/ high school. “Fame” is a song that just makes me dance. I mean who doesn’t love a good David Bowie song right? “ARTPOP” is something that brings me back to when me and my uncle went to NYC to see Lady Gaga at the opening of H&M. “Bring Me to Life” is a song that honestly, all kids that are exploring metal/rock come across, the same is said for “Nightmare” and “My Curse”. “Hype” and “Everytime We Touch” takes me back to when I used to go to parties. I don’t know why but these were songs that would be on, I think because everyone was probably too drunk to care. “Shout 2000” is a song that my brother introduced me to, he would have this specific Distrubed album playing non stop and im sure thats why the CD got all scratched up. Ahh the days of CD’s, I feel that I’m part of the generation that saw the last of those things. “Evil Angel” is a song that I played all the time on my ipod. Breaking Benjamin was the best band I ever heard and when I got the chance to see them live it was amazing! As for “Forest”, well, System of A Down has such a chaotic, emotional style that you can’t just help but to headbang to their songs. This was always one of my favorites. As I got older my music taste  has expanded to musicals, classical, pop, jazz, kind of every genre but country haha. Sorry country.

WORK CITED

“The Sadness of Euphoria: How the Show Captures Teen Melancholy.” The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 25 June 2019, www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2019/jun/25/the-sadness-of-euphoria-how-the-show-captures-teen-melancholy.

Horowitz, Juliana Menasce, and Nikki Graf. “Most U.S. Teens SEE Anxiety, Depression as Major Problems.” Pew Research Center's Social & Demographic Trends Project, Pew Research Center, 30 May 2020, www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/02/20/most-u-s-teens-see-anxiety-and-depression-as-a-major-problem-among-their-peers/.

O'Keeffe, Gwenn Schurgin, et al. “The Impact of Social Media on Children, Adolescents, and Families.” American Academy of Pediatrics, American Academy of Pediatrics, 1 Apr. 2011, pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/127/4/800.

TEDxTalks, director. YouTube, YouTube, 2 May 2014, www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnC6IABJXOI.

TEDxTalks, director. YouTube, YouTube, 6 Feb. 2015, www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Yt6raj-S1M.