#people should never send me emails btw i do NOT read them.

[coquelicoq]

i need to do my taxes, it's really hanging over my head & i just need to get them out of the way. i was like tonight's the night. calendar blocked. paperwork sorted. mood lighting. but then i needed something in my email in order to do my taxes, which led me to spend the next five hours getting the 4700 unread emails in my inbox down to 273. now it's nearly 1 am and i am too tired to do my taxes. why is society arranged in such a way that makes it possible for this to happen.

[neverdoingmuch]

Wangxian prompt: They see each other constantly. Like, maybe they're neighbors, or is a "my kid's teacher" situation. Maybe they meet at the bus stop, or work in the same company but different offices. So they're aware of each other and they exchange glances, maybe little inside-joke smiles about things they both notice. They see each other being brave, competent, kind, so so handsome. And when they actually talk to each other months later the first thing they say is "Marry me" and "Yes"

ooh!! this sounds like a lot of fun, i love it so much. i think office workers would be the best bc then we can contrast the banality of the rest of their lives to the quirkiness of their relationship so to speak.

okay so it all started when lwj decided that he wanted to eat breakfast on his apartment balcony

he takes his bowl and goes to sit in the chair outside and he’s prepared to just enjoy the cool morning air but when he looks up he sees a man sitting on the balcony exactly opposite his

wwx, by some strange luck, has the apartment across the street, and always goes outside to try and wake up bc he is not a morning person at all and the 9-5 job is killer for someone who likes to go to sleep at like three in the morning

anyway, lwj looks up and sees this kinda cute guy just sitting on the floor miserably blinking at the rising sun and is like oh weird and tries not to stare too much

but after that first time lwj sees him, he starts seeing mystery balcony dude everywhere, like everywhere and no amount of not staring is gonna save him

he goes down to his favourite cafe to get a cup of tea after breakfast and while he’s enjoying his tea and reading the newspaper he hears someone laugh loudly and glances over to the muffin display to see balcony man chatting with one of the staff as he orders his own coffee 

balcony man must have noticed his attention because he looks over and for a moment he looks confused but then he’s smiling brightly at lwj and it’s this absolutely amazing smile and he’s even hotter when he’s not sitting in a ratty t-shirt across the street and lwj panics, chugs the rest of his tea, and immediately leaves

he ends up arriving at the train station fifteen minutes early and is stuck awkwardly waiting while avoiding the grandma who likes showing men pictures of her granddaughter who is very beautiful and very single apparently

the train arrives and lwj gets on, finds a seat and pulls out his phone to respond to emails. then, just as the doors are about to shut, who should rush in but balcony man

he’s kinda sweaty and red but the guy makes it look good and he ends up sitting down a few metres from lwj, not that lwj notices because he’s very busy responding to his emails about how one of the teams in sales is having difficulties with one of their projects, so busy that he spends the next thirty minutes staring at the email unable to get past the second line

lwj and wwx end up getting off at the same stop and to lwj’s absolute horror they end up going to the same building

lwj tries to do the thing where you speedwalk past the person so they don’t think you’re following them but then wwx did the same thing to him so they end up arriving at the same time

they get in the elevator together, lwj near the door off to the left and balcony man in the far corner, leaning against the wall and looking down at his shoes

it’s kind of awkward but thankfully wwx gets off at the fifteenth floor - software design and tech support or something while lwj gets off at the twentieth floor - sales maybe?

he doesn’t see the man again until the end of the work day when they get into the elevator at the same time and go back down. they’re the only two people in there bc they’re working late or the stars aligned or something

and that’s just the first day. after that, every day the same thing happens and they keep seeing each other as they’re going to and from work. 

but also lwj goes to do the grocery shopping and when he’s paying wwx is in the next line across and when he goes to buy new strings for his guqin wwx is already in the store buying a new mouthpiece for his dizi

this goes on for a few weeks and then one morning, while wwx is trying to shock his system into waking up and lwj is just enjoying breakfast, they hear familiar shouting: the couple downstairs is breaking up again

lwj rolls his eyes, aware that come next week they’ll be dating again, and just blocks it out when the boyfriend comes stumbling out of the building with his shirt half on and the girlfriend still yelling

he looks across the street to see what balcony man thinks of it all and sees that he’s mouthing along to the argument (it really is exactly the same speech every time but it’s incredible that he’s memorised it). lwj snorts. it’s unseemly and rude but balcony man is over there acting out the break up as well as mouthing along and it’s the funniest thing lwj’s seen all week.

wwx notices him laugh and decides to wave at him. lwj tentatively waves back and with that the magic of their relationship sets in

now when lwj goes to the cafe in the morning wwx will look around the store until he spots lwj and wave at him, and lwj will lift his mug up in greeting which always make wwx laugh

then when they get on the train, they always get seats opposite each other and while they never actually say anything, sometimes lwj will glance over to see wwx sneaking a look at him. they both blush and look away but moments later they’re doing it again

when they walk to work, lwj crosses the street so they can walk at the same pace and not have to actually be right next to each other and despite having to cross back over, wwx is always still waiting to catch the elevator with him. 

now when they go up, they still don’t talk to each other but wwx always hums and lwj taps along with whatever tune he’s picked. 

same thing when they go back down in the evening and catch the train back

over time it starts to become more than just staring and smiling, now when the couple downstairs breaks up, wwx will hold up like three fingers and lwj understands that balcony man thinks they’ll get back together within three days

(wwx’s always right btw)

when they go to the cafe lwj will send wwx a thumbs down if the sports mum with eight kids gets in queue first and wwx will always make hearts with his hands whenever the baristas start flirting. 

when they get in the train and hear the angry businessmen argue they’re sitting there making funny faces at each other,, well wwx does and lwj just tries to keep his face blank. he usually succeeds but sometimes he smiles and wwx will always do a little victory wiggle which is honestly so cute lwj is dying

the elevator? they don’t even have to say anything. whenever a coworker they don’t like hops in they just find subtle ways to explain why they don’t like them and how

the best time was when lwj saw su she get in and immediately pulled a face like he sucked a lemon and had to try and mime “he always takes really long lunches and is really bad at sales but we can’t get rid of him because he’d whine too much and no one wants to put up with that” but he’s lwj and doesn’t really do miming. in contrast, when wen chao gets in wwx just holds up his thumb and pointer finger like he’s measuring something, and holds them only a few centimetres apart. 

they both get really good at reading each other like that

when they catch the train back home it’s always really late so lwj ends up reading a book while wwx sketches and, just as lwj always holds up his books so wwx can see the cover, wwx will show lwj whatever he’s drawn

at one point in time lwj comes home and sees a stray kitten hiding in a box near the entrance to his building but he can’t take it in bc of his rabbit so instead he goes out onto his balcony and just points straight down and holds up a cardboard box he has in his own apartment

without even hesitating wwx goes downstairs and crosses the street, still dressed in his pyjamas, and takes the kitten home. 

lwj kinda expected wwx to take the kitten to a shelter or something but within a month their morning routine changes to allow a kitten to climb all over wwx as he tries to wake up and it’s ridiculously adorable but also lwj is sitting there in absolute awe of how good balcony man is to just take in a stray like that 

there’s probably a few other scenes, like wwx and lwj going out to a dinner with their teams and they get seated at nearby tables and end up sending each other commiserating smiles whenever the conversation gets particularly dull and the time when lwj gets caught by the well-meaning grandma who always tries to set people up with her granddaughter on the train and he taps out sos in morse code and wwx just replies rip and stares out the window for the rest of the trip 

anyway this is getting a bit long so im going to say jump forward a year (doesn’t have to be a year i guess). they’re still enjoying this whole thing they’ve got going on and they know each other so well that when lwj sees wwx some mornings he knows to go to the cafe early and order an extra strong coffee for wwx and wwx will sometimes sketch pictures of rabbits when lwj seems a bit annoyed after work

(wwx will fold them into paper aeroplanes and throw them across the train to lwj and lwj always takes them home and flattens them back out and then shows them to his rabbit before before putting them up on the fridge)

one day the trains break down and they’re stuck waiting at the station in the morning and for once lwj feels genuinely sad that he might not get to work on time. like work is whatever but he doesn’t want to miss out on the half an hour on the train with balcony man and the way they speedwalk to see who can get to the office first and the awkward waiting outside the elevators where wwx bounces up and down and lwj taps out a rhythm against his thigh until wwx notices and starts humming along

but then he notices wwx walking over to him. he seems kinda nervous, hesitating at first but he puts on a confident smile and saunters over and lwj is panicking because they haven’t done this before and he doesn’t know what to do

wwx opens his mouth - he’s going to make the first move and ask out his mystery man, but then lwj takes one look at wwx, who’s standing right next to him and it feels different to all the other times they’ve been together, and he panics

wwx barely manages to open his mouth to say good morning when lwj blurts out will you marry me?

wwx blinks, blushes bright red, and immediately goes yes! (it’s a bit too loud and people around them turn to stare but neither of them notice)

lwj immediately whips out his phone and sends in an email saying that he’s taking a sick day and after he sends it off, he slips his phone back into his pocket, takes wwx’s hand in his and asks him what’s your name?

it takes wwx like fifteen minutes to stop laughing by which time they’re back at their cafe and this time, they both sit down at a table after ordering their drinks and it’s the baristas making hearts with their hands at them

[whatiwillsay]

submission: we need to talk about ttb (spade-riddles)

Hey Cam. Seeing that ask defending TTB’s doxxing has sort of pushed me to finally share some of my story on Tumblr, I guess. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about this to anyone fully, so this will probably be long, but I hope you don’t mind me venting.

I’m one of the people that got emailed by TTB. I don’t feel comfortable posting this off anon, but I was in a Discord server with you and @bisluthq and some other people back in Dec/Jan. I don’t know if you remember me, but my name on there was one word and began with an L and ended with an S.

I want to share the full story, but I also don’t feel comfortable with sharing certain details publicly because I’m still very wary of getting outed further by her if she sees this, so I’m gonna be vague about some things

Request to her followers — If you see this, please don’t send this to her. Like I’m genuinely asking you not to because I don’t trust her not to cross any more lines. My dad is a major homophobe with serious anger issues who has literally been arrested for violence before, and she doesn’t really think carefully or maybe even care about how any actions she takes could lead to people being harmed, so I’m not eager to see how she might react.

Anyway, I first got an email back in December, and I was really freaked out by it at first. I spoke to one of my mutuals about it, and although we both agreed it was super weird and invasive and creepy, we ended up trying to see the funny side of it. So, I kinda just brushed it off and moved on. I was mainly just really confused about why I had been targeted because at the time, I thought it was only me who’d gotten an email like that. I didn’t understand why she’d specifically targeted me instead of other people who she clearly disliked a lot more.

About a week later, I saw someone on Tumblr mentioning a strange email, and I realised other people must have gotten them too. I spoke to Nat about what happened to me and ended up in the Discord

At the time, I felt like I’d gotten off really easy comparatively to others because I initially didn’t realise that she’d contacted anyone else. And so I tried to act chill about it because I didn’t want to make things about me, but honestly, I was extremely anxious. I felt on edge for over a week. I would keep checking her blog again and again because I was super worried that she would post our personal details publicly. I scrolled through my entire blog from start to finish and deleted a lot of posts that were either personal or that I just didn’t want anyone I knew in real life to read.

This part I have to be vague about because it would basically give away who I am, but it was only a while later when I thought I was in the clear that someone I knew in real life texted me and mentioned seeing a weird email about me. The email had been sent a while back, and they’d been shown it by the original recipient/s. Multiple people had been shown it, but luckily (kinda), only two of those people were actually people I saw on a regular basis

I’m mostly closeted, but I’m kind of technically out to a few of my immediate family members. But it’s very much a DADT situation because they’re not accepting, and they like to just pretend I’m straight. And so I basically have to act closeted even when I’m around them, and I can’t even ALLUDE to being gay.

But with my dad, it’s different. He’s very homophobic. I’m only gonna mention this next part so that people understand what kind of dangerous situation that TTB could have put me in. (And the other people that she doxxed too because she didn’t know how safe their individual situations were). It’s all really personal, and I wouldn’t ordinarily feel comfortable sharing any of this at all, even anonymously, but I think it needs to be said because her actions were extremely fucking irresponsible.

Right, so when I first “came out” to my dad, it was actually an accident, and he reacted… extremely badly. This was back in like… 2018 or 2019, I can’t remember the exact year

(TW // physical abuse, homophobia)

He was extremely angry, literally shaking. He yelled at me, he described in graphic detail how he was going to “break every bone in my body”, “strangle the life out of me”, “drown me”, etc. He kept telling me that I’m disgusting and going to Hell, you get the idea. He was having a lot of fun with making strangling motions and stabbing motions with his hands, and he kept slamming his hand onto the table. That went on for about 15 minutes, and then he stood up and threw a chair from the dining table at me. That was fun lol. And he punched me in the head pretty hard which kinda knocked me back. I felt dizzy, I had to sit down on the floor. At that point, my mum who had been crying and asking him to stop physically intervened, and he ended up storming out of the house instead. My mum’s a genuinely good person btw. She’s a little homophobic, but she cares about me a lot, and I’m very grateful for her. She hates him too, but she’s kinda stuck with him… It wasn’t her fault

He literally hates gay people. He complains about us on the regular. One time, he threw the remote at the TV and cracked the screen just because there was a gay male couple kissing onscreen. Another time, he threw a rock at a gay man on the street. There was also a time where he forced a few of my siblings (who didn’t want to do it) to throw peeled oranges out of the window at people celebrating pride while he drove past them and yelled insults at them. He found that really funny. Anyway, I’m sure you guys get the idea of what kind of person he is

He hasn’t laid a hand on anybody in several months though, so I do think he’s trying to be better at least. Like he’s still verbally abusive and controlling and awful, but I appreciate that he’s at least making an effort to calm down with the hitting and kicking and stuff

Anyway, with my dad, it’s less DADT and more that I think he’s got it in his head that he managed to scare me into “seeing the error of my ways” and that I’ve “stopped choosing to be gay” and that I’m now straight. So, if it had been HIM who had gotten that email, it would’ve been like… extremely bad. Like I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. And this is why I’m so angry at TTB. It was extremely, extremely irresponsible of her to not consider these kinds of possibilities before she sent out her stupid emails. She’s supposed to be an ally, but it didn’t even cross her mind that these emails would lead to people being outed and possibly even harmed?? It’s not okay at all. I’m just very grateful that she didn’t send one to him because I don’t even know what kind of situation I would be in right now.

Anyway, enough about my fucking awful dad… I feel uncomfortable that I even typed all of that out, but I wanted people to understand how dangerous her actions could have been. Like I mean, my dad’s got PTSD and extreme anger issues from his teenage years, so I do try not to judge him TOO harshly, but there’s no excuse for being a huge bigot or occasionally violent. The idea of him being the one who got that email is still so scary to me. Like my heart is racing just thinking about it

One of the people that DID read the email was the male friend I mentioned earlier though. He was shown it by someone else for a particular reason, and he was a very important person to me. Like he was a good guy, we were close, he helped me out with certain personal issues I have and is one of only two people that I know in real life that I felt comfortable confiding in about them. We’d always meet up once a week, sometimes twice, and we’d just talk about stuff and make an effort to help each other out with things. Like he was very important to me.

It turns out that he���d looked through my blog before I’d got around to scrubbing it, and he asked me if I was gay in person the next time we met up. I couldn’t lie because like… he’d have known I was lying right to his face. So, I told him I was, and you should have seen his face. It made me feel so awful about myself. He looked really stunned and shocked and kinda uncomfortable. Like it got so awkward, and I started rambling and making things worse. He was avoiding eye contact, and my voice was shaking.

I ended up making up an excuse to leave about 5 mins later and had an actual anxiety attack. Again, this is embarrassing and something I’d never usually talk about online, but I just want to get it all off my chest so that I can move past it all.

So, I was like on the verge of tears (I don’t cry easily), I couldn’t breathe properly, I was pacing around the building, and I just wanted to escape, so I headed straight for the doors. There was a queue of about 100 people lined up and waiting to leave, and I couldn’t think straight or breathe and just needed to be outside, so I tried to go out through the other exit which is for staff only. The security guard stopped me and basically publicly humiliated me in front of all of those people. He loudly shamed me and said I “didn’t have any decency” for attempted to jump the queue, lectured me in this really condescending tone, and then sent me right to the back of that huge line. Meanwhile, I was literally in the midst of a bad anxiety attack.

And then I eventually got outside and had to call my mum to come and pick me up instead of just making my own way home like I usually do. She’s amazing though tbh because she actually came to get me and didn’t even question why. I had to skip all of my plans for the rest of the day and instead just hid upstairs in my bedroom with the lights off until the next day. I refused to tell any of my family members what had happened even though they kept asking. I just felt so, so awful, and my anxiety was through the roof

To be honest, before that happened, my mindset was like: “I mean, if I get outed, it obviously wouldn’t be good, but I think I’d be able to deal with it fine”. But then, when it actually happened, and I saw the way my close friend reacted, I had like a whole emotional breakdown lol. It’s like, you think you’d be fairly chill in a situation, but when it actually happens, your reaction can be really unpredictable. I was so embarrassed by everything about that entire incident. I didn’t even want to show my face the next day.

It’s been almost two months since that happened, and in that entire time, my friend has contacted me once. We literally used to meet up once or twice a week (and during lockdown, we’d do video calls or phone calls instead), but since then, we’ve barely even spoken. Things are just so awkward now. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like TTB’s taken one of my best friends away from me. I don’t think he’s a homophobe or anything, he has openly gay friends and is fairly accepting, but I think it’s just the way that he found out that has just made things so weird between us now. I feel like if I’d had the chance to come out to him myself in my own way, he wouldn’t have reacted like that. But I’m gonna text him next week and see if we can maybe try to fix our friendship, but I doubt it at this point

The other people who were shown the email, I mostly just avoid. I don’t really care about them knowing that much because I wasn’t close to them, but it’s just really embarrassing knowing that they probably scrolled through my Tumblr blog before I scrubbed it

And about Tumblr… This used to be the only place that I could fully be myself. It was like a “safe space” for me which feels ironic now. But I haven’t been active on my blog since December. I still lurk occasionally, but I just don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I did consider deleting my current blog and starting afresh with a new one, but I don’t think it’d make much of a difference… Like she’s kind of ruined Tumblr for me. I do still enjoy reading people’s blogs every now and then, but I don’t feel relaxed here anymore, I just feel on edge.

It’s mainly the fact that SHE’S still here. She still has a platform, she still has a bunch of followers. It’s been so hard seeing her face next to no consequences whatsoever for the horrible things that she’s done to so many different people. And it upsets me that she hasn’t even acknowledged that what she did was wrong. Plus, it makes me feel even worse that the Hard Kay blogs and some other people are still supporting her and pretending that this whole thing just didn’t happen. Like do they just not care? Or is it that she’s twisted things and made them believe that the situation was different to what it actually was?

And tbh, this whole situation has even set me back in my own sort of personal self-acceptance journey. I had such bad internalised homophobia when I was younger, and it took me so many years to get to a place where I had mostly accepted myself. But now I just feel ashamed again, and I’ve gone back to my old habit of trying to force myself to be attracted to men. Like I downloaded Tinder the other day and set my preference to men and was swiping through profiles. It’s kinda silly actually. I did snap out of it and delete the app the next day though. But I don’t know, I feel like this whole thing has just kinda fucked with me a bit. I am trying to work this stuff out and get back to normal though. I think I’ll be good again in maybe a month or so, hopefully.

And… yeah. I just really resent her, and this situation upsets me. Because the reason she did this was so petty and ridiculous, and I guess she didn’t even realise how much it would impact people? Like I do know that my situation wasn’t as bad as some of the other people’s situations, and I feel really bad for them, and I hope they’re all doing okay. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for them. But it still has impacted me a lot more than I actually thought it would. I thought I’d get over it within a couple of weeks. But it’s been like two months, and I’m still not completely over it

I know it might not sound like a huge thing, but being outed really does affect you, even if it’s only to a few people. Because to me, I feel like I’ve had my sense of like, security and comfort taken away, and it’s kinda distressing. Sorry if I sound dramatic with any of this, I just really needed to say all of this stuff to other people besides myself lol

Like her actions have literally led to me being outed to a few people. A close friendship that I had has basically been ruined. I don’t feel comfortable or secure on Tumblr anymore, even though it used to be an important outlet for me. I’ve had a resurgence of anxiety about my sexuality. Etc.

And again, my dad is extremely homophobic and literally made death threats to me and physically attacked me back when I accidentally came out to him in 2018 or 2019. And if he had gotten that email, I don’t even know what would have happened. I don’t think he would have like… SERIOUSLY physically harmed me, but there would definitely have been a repeat of the first incident. More throwing chairs at me and hitting and screaming and death threats. I don’t really want to think about it.

It just bothers me that she didn’t even consider that? Like did it not even cross her mind? And my dad is bad, but I’m sure there are people in the fandom who have even worse parents, and she could have got one of those people instead. It’s just so… I don’t know, it’s just so frustrating to me.

Anyway, I just hate her for what she did… Like maybe I shouldn’t, but I really do resent her so much, and I don’t think I could forgive her even if she apologised to us all (which I don’t think she even would because she doesn’t seem to have any decency whatsoever). The least she could do is at least express some kind of remorse, but she just genuinely doesn’t care, and that’s super messed up. All over some stupid Tumblr blog that is much less important than she thinks it is.

But anyway… I apologise for the whole rant, and if anybody read all the way down to here, I appreciate it. I do actually feel a bit better now that I’ve got this all typed out. And I’m sorry for the oversharing lol, I usually don’t do this, but I just felt like I really needed to tell people and get it off my chest so that I can try to get over it — L

submisssion⬆️⬆️⬆️

ok L i am trying to remain calm here because this isn’t about me.  but i am very emotional right now.  i am so so so infinitely sorry that you had to go through this harrowing and terrifying experience.  ttb (now blogging under spade-riddles) is absolutely disgusting, lower than dirt, that she would put your life, safety, and well-being at risk over a fucking kaylor blog.

please please please im me or get in touch somehow because i want to offer you support.  have you been financially impacted by this?  we can raise money.  do you need therapy?  we can help you find the support you need.  this community is unequivocally here for you.  whatever you need, if it’s in my power to help you get it, i will.  you have my solemn promise on that.

i am so deeply and desperately sorry that you have gone through this.  i was shaking while reading your story.

i am in touch with other people and we are in discussion about the best way to let tumblr know what happened.  this will be a safe space for you (and all of us) again if it’s the last thing i do.  this community is 100% here for you in any way we can help, sending you all the support and love we have.

[creatingnikki]

Dearest Samantha,

You were the first person to participate in The Love Project but I’ve waited so long to write your letter because I love reading your answers. I kid you not. I’ve read them about 5 times over this month and they majorly make me feel two things. First, like the universe it opening up all these channels of hope, strength, positivity and sweetness for everyone who is willing to give life another shot. Second, what if…just what if the eerie poem ‘The Egg’ by Andy Weir is true? I don’t know if you have read this before but if not, please do. It blew my mind in an unexpected way.

Once you read the poem, what I say now will make sense. Everything you said about what you’ve been feeling and experiencing is 100% true for me. If not all at this moment but in fragments at different points in time. And the form may be different but the feeling that washes over me, for some reason I believe that it’s the same that washes over you.

I’ll share something with you that I haven’t really with many of my friends but there’s this thing…Ever since I was 14 years old I couldn’t wait to move out of my parents’ home and live by myself. No, they are great parents and my sister is the best too. I don’t know if it was the romanticisation of living by yourself or the emo phase that made me feel like I can’t live my true life unless I move out. Now, when I finished high school, I didn’t get to move away for college. The best college for what I wanted to study ended up being in my home city and I got in and it didn’t make sense to give up that opportunity for a sub-standard college elsewhere. After I got done with college, it made no sense to leave Mumbai – the city everyone from all over the country dreams of coming and living in –and move to some random city for work. So, I never quite left home. It’s never going to be acceptable to live in the same city as my parents and not live with them. It’s an Indian thing. And until even last year, I was like ugh how can I move out? But something changed over those last few months.

Now, somehow, over the last few months I started to notice things and realised what you did. The exact same thing you did: “My life, right now, is the epitome of ;perfection. From a ‘fight’ with my sister, I have learned what has been true all along. That my immediate family really would do anything for me. Mum’s favourite song is ‘Grenade’ not for the melody but for the words, the lyrics. She, dad and my sister really would do anything for me. How has it taken me this long to fully realise this.” Other than my mom’s favourite song, haha.

I can’t explain it to anyone else what changed and why. And I realise that I don’t even have to. People look for people who will genuinely care about them and love them unconditionally all their life. And I, and you, we have those people, we had them right from the start. I’ve never quite had that luck with friendships or romantic relationships (as of now), but that’s fine. I think, and it’s a silly childish belief, but I think everyone has at least 2-3 people in the world who are theirs.

Ever since I was 13, I have been looking for people to have interesting and meaningful conversations about the things that matter. And it took me forever to realise that I had that person all along – my sister.

The way you described, “The decade(s) that will be successful, joyful have started. Nevermind the twentieth century, this decade will be my roaring twenties and I really hope all of my relatives, friends and peers will have the same.” makes me highly recommend this song to you: Start by Gaho. It’s Korean but it has English subtitles and gosh. I think if I had to choose a song to run in the background of your letter as the theme, I would pick this. (I am listening to it on loop while writing this, btw.) This song is used in my current favourite Korean drama – Itaewon Class – about a boy who is 100% determined to make his life be everything he wants it to be no matter how much resistance he faces.

Another way I relate to you?  “I make up new words all the time. For example, electronically….” My sister was literally teasing me about it yesterday when I was speaking gibberish to annoy her. I usually just combine stuff from the three languages I know and it’s fun. Cracks me up all the time, if not anyone else. But, hey, electronically is, in fact, a word, so am I missing something here? O.O

One thing that’s totally different is that I have never been to a concert. I don’t think there’s any one artist that I 100% love to go to a crowded place with hyper-excited people.

How is it that the people who we don’t want us to hurt ever are the ones who end up doing it so masterfully? I understand the need to be guarded. And I am so glad that nobody has ever shattered your heart again. But I do hope when someone can make you feel loved – romantically and wholly – you can let them in. It’s no fun at all…going through life guarded.

Emotionless

A wall between emotion and intellect Analyse the behaviour of others, Analyse the wrongs of life, Soon you will feel a disconnect You can never be hurt behind your wall You can never be whole behind your wall

That’s a poem – not verbatim, out of my memory – by someone I cared about deeply years ago. He ghosted me too. The question of why can make me go crazy even now if I let myself go down that rabbit hole but I don’t. I try to retain this poem in the most positive light. Because he, his behaviour, his interactions with me, meant something and this poem of his that he shared with me just always stayed with me. I could never become emotionless, I could never feel a disconnect. I was hurt, often, yes. But I was also whole. I am, for the most part. I know you are too.

What you said about love - Love has no gender, no binary, no stereotypes. If you look at humans behind an X-ray screen kissing, you see the same skeletal frame each time – should be poetry. Sounds like it to my heart.

Sending so much love to you, and to your fur siblings, Darcy, Chloe and Poppy. Let’s live our roaring twenties the way they are meant to be lived – fully, fiercely, and earnestly. Nikki

PS No, daebak is not a word I made up, haha. It means awesome, cool, impressive in Korean. And you honestly are daebak! <3

I wrote this letter for Samantha based on some questions they answered. You can read the questions and their answers here.

Guys - I have received 29 people’s responses for The Love Project - 29 days of love letters. So I won’t be accepting anymore, however, you can read other letters here.

I may do this again later in the year and if you would want to receive a love letter from me then, you can drop in your email ID here xoxo

[heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet]

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th 

Mood/anxiety = numb. 

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick. 

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO. 

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done. 

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep. 

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator. 

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship. 

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same. 

---Emotionally it hurts the same. 

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way. 

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they  could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me  buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am. 

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation. 

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate. 

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally. 

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety -  still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested. 

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way. 

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean. 

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board. 

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum. 

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far. 

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine. 

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict. 

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed. 

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings. 

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days. 

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely. 

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness". 

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room. 

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod. 

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am. 

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes. 

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok. 

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change 

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house. 

We are having a picnic social distancing style. 

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around.  But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is 

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction) 

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives. 

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball  gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant. 

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past. 

[k-odyssey]

HPL: Thoughts on ep9

 [I basically paused every time I had a thought and made a bullet point. This thing is a mess. Also these are just my thoughts ok?]

Ryan saying “why does she make it seem like the end?”: We’ve all seen that trope a billion times where they like each other in a very obvious way -- every one around them can tell -- but the characters themselves are both somehow convinced that the other person could never love them. I like that it’s not the case here. He read the signs! He knows she likes him too. Instead of being miserable because she doesn’t like him back, he’s miserable because she acted like they were breaking up... before they started anything real.

Deok Mi is equally miserable: she’s also picked up on the signs that he likes her, but she's so uncertain about it that Ryan saying they should stop fake-dating + Choi Da In’s words were enough to make her rethink everything.

Serious question, what did Ryan do for fun before he came to Korea/met Deok Mi?

They’ve established that he hasn’t painted in a long time. That seems to bring him more anguish than joy. I’m sure he enjoys looking at art but other than that?? Was his life so intertwined with his job that now he seems to just sit at home and do nothing? Except: a) doing Deok Mi related things b) drink red wine to drown his sorrows lol. For real though, he seems to be so lonely. (I’m not saying that in a bad way I can relate) He was introduced as a well-known artist/art person/cool guy... people admired and adored him but the only friends that we know of are: Choi Da In (she’s a little self-absorbed if you ask me) and I guess his therapist friend he has not interacted with in many episodes. That’s probably part of why he likes Deok Mi and her family so much? And they have these really deep conversations he doesn’t seem to have with anyone else.

with all these flashbacks/hints telling us that Ryan and Deok Mi knew each other in childhood, I’m starting to be curious about what happened. Especially because her mom was having these memories that made her tear up last week!!

did i ever mention how much i love that they call him 사자/saja/lion because I do

again i like that Deok Mi’s not ignoring the signs!!! just misinterpreting them with the very wrong hypothesis that Ryan doesn’t want to be around her anymore. Also “are my lips his inkpad” “he has a stupidly nice voice” “what’s with the look in his eyes” !!

“Curator Seong” “I don’t have that on the menu” in fact the only thing i have on the menu is the thing that will kill you

Choi Da In in front of the museum: she is so easy to hate at these times omg

the pace of this drama is excellent, just saying

everyone at the gallery hating on Ryan, his face!!  “I’ll send it by email”

Deok Mi saying it was “just fake anyway”!!! he is VERY hurt by this

very strong hints about another office couple this episode... at least a one-sided crush

Ryan and Deok Mi looking like gang leaders in front of the restaurant and I am here for it

Did i mention how adorable Ryan is

Deok Mi looking at Ryan!!!

He loves her weird family, he’s genuinely so happy to see her parents

Deok Mi to her parents: please don’t embarrass me at work in front this man I really respect and also am in love with, Ryan: oh no is she chasing them away because of me?! but I LOVE THEM.

“Curator Seong ate everything” is what he’s saying basically

“Are you crying” “No it’s delicious”

Is he kinda tearing up because of the chili or the gift?

Ryan looks so happy that he gets to, like, be there with her and her family? Matchmaking parents that push the leads together are my favourite kind of parents

btw we never heard much about Ryan’s (adoptive) parents? they’re supposed to be alive right? It’s like he has no contact with them. Again, he is very lonely.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you laugh” well that is a lie he saw her laugh earlier but we know what he means, when it’s just the 2 of them

I don’t hate Eun Ki, I actually want to see him grow up and I think he’s starting to that this episode a little bit. HOPEFULLY. First step is introspection. His moms’ comments make him think at least. I take some of that back seeing the preview lol, asking her to chose??? what is he

Director Eom is the entertaining kind of crazy. Side note: I’m been thinking about her secretary since ep1 or 2, he’s not Secretary Kim on accident right? it’s nod to what’s wrong with secretary kim right?

Eun Ki seems to be capable of empathy you guys OR is he feeling sorry for himself? a bit of both maybe

“She fed the lion kimbap” is so funny to me

I like that they didn’t make her a fangirl who’s never dated before

Deok Mi can’t sleep: goes on her website, Ryan can’t sleep: goes on her website so he can speak to her.

They are killing me

“It’s not unrequited love” AH! I love him

“what if i don’t feel any better after seeing Cha Shi An” / “then you’re really really very hurt, go to the hospital”

Ryan/Shi An: least enthusiastic hello ever. That whole interaction: Ryan actually has no control over his emotions around Shi An, or is it in elevators? or ever?

Shi An asked about deok mi!! what was he gonna say

Choi Da In: “I like seeing you often” Ryan and all of us: *sigh*

Deok Mi doesn’t even want to see Shi An so by her own rules, she’s really really very hurt

Is Choi Da In really asking Shi An’s name?? he said it was for him and she clearly knows him so that seems so unnecessary

is Ryan’s comment about the concept a) trying to change the subject or b) taking into account what Deok Mi said at the other meeting (about the ballerina etc)?

Why does someone need to go to the woodshop or whatever? I don’t get it. What is Deok Mi supposed to be doing there if the owner is absent? isn’t that what emails/texts/voice mail are for?

had we seen the carousel selfies before or not? i remember having the thought that we hadn’t

“Are my feelings just a burden?” “Maybe that person was scared to get hurt” Ok but I wonder if he got the text before coming? did he get there and read the text in the car and just walk in

SO MUCH EMOTION on her face

the way he looks at her makes me shiver every time and I have seen the scene like a FEW (many) times

she deserves more than she’s asking for though, like she deserves more from a relationship than the fake-dating

anyway that was a good kiss

this thing is too long i’m sorry

[iwillphysicallyfiteyou]

Part Seven❤ When the Villain Becomes the Hero

Paige’s POV

Summary: Paige and Roman stop a fight.

Pairing: LAMP

Content warnings will spoil this series. If you need content warnings, then don’t read this.

Previous, Next.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

“Heya Roman,” I say as I enter the office.

We’re both wearing our superhero outfits already even though it’s six am, except for our masks of course.

“Hi, Paige,” he greets with a fond smile on his face.

“I got you this from Ma’s bakery,” is say as I hand him a pumpkin spice latte and a bag with a sour cream donut.

“Thank you so much, your ma makes the best donuts.”

“I’ll make sure to tell her you said that.”

We sit down and check our emails as Roman slurps his latte and sloppily eats the donut.

I go through my Instagram DM requests on my superhero Instagram account. I respond to some young girls saying I’m your inspiration, some people with weird questions, and I block quite a bit of creepy old men saying things that I will never repeat. As I’m scrolling I get a DM request from an account called mis3ryyy. The DM says, “you probably won’t see this, but i never got ur number. this is virgil btw.”

I immediately accept the request and send back, “heya virgil. this acc gets a lot of DMs so if you want to talk then please dm @ paigeharrisonwears”

I go onto my main account, paigeharrisonwears, and go onto Virgil’s account. The profile picture is of a purple sky, and the bio says, “19. he/him. stay golden.” The account is private so I request to follow him. 

I quickly get a dm from him saying, “Hey hey hey.” I respond with an emoji sticking its tongue out. 

I get a notification saying that he’s requested to follow me, and accepted my follow request. I immediately go to stalk his page, of course. 

He has photos of his outfits, which are all black except for a little purple. He has a couple of smiling selfies with Logan, which is tagged with @ book_nerd, who I request to follow of course. The further his page the more confused I get. 

“Hey Roman, what do you think their gender is?” I ask as I show a photo of Virgil from 2012. He has long hair, a feminine face, and wears clothes that seem to be a feminine fit.

“Um, a girl. She looks really familiar.”

“That’s an old photo of Virgil.”

“Do you think he’s trans?”

I shrug my shoulders.

“It’s a possibility,” I say before putting my phone away.

“I’m stuffed,” Roman says after he finishes his latte and donut.

An alarm goes off in the office, which means we are needed immediately. 

We grab our tablets, which are basically just glorified smartphones. On the screen, there’s an address and a little icon that means there’s an armed fight.

We quickly grab a couple of small weapons, you know a pistol, knife, stuff like that.

Then we rush to the address.

★★★★★

“Looks like Logan and Virgil beat us here,” Roman remarks as we plop onto the top of the building.

Bullets are racing through the air. Our outfits and marks are bulletproof, however, nothing is covering the back of my head, so we need to make sure to stop this while staying safe.

“Tallykat! It’s not worth it!” Logan’s low baritone voice yells from the other side of the roof.

“Shut up!” Tallykat screams.

“We could scare them by shooting them,” Roman says.

“If Virgil isn’t wearing bullet-proof clothes than there’s no way Tallykat is.”

Roman sighs.

“You’re right.”

“Agent Spirit!” I yell, “you’re a hero, not a villain! Be the better person, walk away!”

“Moral Daisy!?” He yells back as he looks over at Roman and me. He looks back at Tallykat before running off of the roof.

“Pussy!” Tallykat yelled.

“They must be really mad,” I tell Roman before we walk over by her.

“Leave me alone,” they snarl.

“We’re not going to arrest you, we just want to make sure that you’re okay before we leave,” I assure them.

Tallykat sighs.

“Sorry, I’m just really upset right now,” they say as they put their gun back into their belt. “Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks, I guess.”

“No problem. See you later,” I say before Roman and I leave the rooftop. 

“Wanna take a break?” Roman ask.

“Sure. We should go to Ma’s bakery,” I suggest.

“Ooh yes, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve seen her. I really need to call her more, especially since she basically raised me.”

“She’ll be so excited to see you. She talks about you all of the time, and she added some new photos on the photo wall in the bakery. You may or may not be on the wall multiple times.”

Roman chuckles.

“I really need to make her a priority in my life. Same with everyone else in the family,” Roman can’t help but think out loud.

I can’t help but smile. Roman’s family has been close to our family since before I was born. No one really expected Roman and I to get close since he is six years older than me, and since he has a sister only one year older than I. And yet somehow Roman and I have been besties since I turned one.

Previous, Next.

[ponyregrets]

friends to lovers fic idea: friends who keep meeting at cons for a fandom they both love, they eventually get less interested in the fandom but keep coming back to the con to see each other? or something

oops this did not end up being quick after all

AO3!

one. fan expo boston, august 2017

artfulslytherin: Just landedWaiting to get off the planeI'm going to check into the hotel but then I'm free for the rest of the day

The message is about 90% a relief. Bellamy has been waiting for it all day, even before it made any sense to be waiting. He's been waiting for Clarke to land since before her plane took off, turned on his tumblr message notifications just so he'd find out no matter what he was doing, and then he's spent the whole day looking at his messages anyway, like he doesn't trust the phone to tell him.

Obviously, it hasn't been the most productive day.

augustushadatumblr: I told my boss I was taking a half dayHe nodded and didn't say anything and then like ten minutes later he came into my office and played the victory theme from Final FantasyApparently I'm a workaholic and he worries about meHe bought the ringtone just to celebrate

artfulslytherin: WowDid you tell him you're going to a con?If his reaction to his employee taking a day is downloading video game music to celebrate, I assume he'd throw a parade for you going to an actual convention

augustushadatumblr: I wasn't sure when I should tell you, but I have a chocobo and a moogle on my deskSo he doesn't like Final Fantasy, he just knows I do

artfulslytherin: Why would you not tell me that?Why would that be your embarrassing thing?I'm jealous you have a desk you can put fandom stuff onI feel weird displaying my fandom

augustushadatumblr: Yeah but how much bi pride stuff do you have up?I thought about getting a pan flag and chickened out

artfulslytherin: Is there a My Little Pony that's pan colors? That's a subtle way to do itOff the plane btwNavigating your airportIs there a law about how close you need to be to a Dunkin Donuts at all times?

augustushadatumblr: Yeah, it's for the whole Boston metro areaYou get used to itHow comfortable do you feel taking the train?

artfulslytherin: How many instructions are you giving me?

augustushadatumblr: Take the silver line to South Station, it's freeAnd then take the red line toWherever we want to go

artfulslytherin: Wow yeahReally helpful

augustushadatumblr: It depends on how close you want to be to your hotelI live in Central so most of my regular stuff is around thereBut we could find somewhere downtown if you don't want to go too far

artfulslytherin: How do I get to Central?

augustushadatumblr: Take the red line towards AlewifeIt's probably like 15-20 minutes

artfulslytherin: I can meet you thereWhat time?

augustushadatumblr: Tell me when you get to south stationI'll leave work then, we should get to central about the same time

artfulslytherin: Cool, sounds goodSee you soon!

It's not like Bellamy isn't excited about the whole thing. He's been in the Animus fandom for about eight months, getting into it during the mid-season hiatus of the second season, and Clarke was one of the first friends he made once he got there. She was an already-established fan artist, someone whose work he admired when he saw it, so when she asked if she could draw a scene from one of his fics, of course he said yes, and told her how much he liked her work, and then they were just talking, chatting about what they were working on and what they were reading and what they were annoyed about. Bellamy's never been a big fan of sharing too much of himself online, but it was easy to slip into it with Clarke. They talked so much that it was impossible for real life to not slip in, especially when she would talk about what was going on with her. It wasn't the first time it had happened to him, but there has always been something about this relationship that feels different, weighty.

Which isn't why she's going to be the first fandom friend he ever meets in real life, but it probably is why it feels like such a big deal. He has other mutuals who are planning to be at this con, people he likes, people with whom he's passingly familiar, people who leave nice comments on his fic, but no one else is messaging him to come hang out, and he wouldn't be agreeing to hang out with any of them even if they were.

If he doesn't click with anyone else in person, it's not going to bother him too much. But if he and Clarke don't like each other, he'll be losing a real friend.

And, of course, there's the other part of his mind, the guilty part that feels like it turned on around when he hit thirty and people started acting like his singleness was a creeping illness. He does know that Clarke is twenty-six, single, and bisexual, and even if she doesn't feel like a real romantic prospect, he'd always idly wondered what it would be like if they met, if they'd hit it off. And now he's going to find out.

Obviously, the next half an hour of work is completely pointless. He sets up his out-of-office email for the rest of the afternoon and Friday, returns a few messages he's been putting off, and finally just gives up and goes to wait for his bus, even though Clarke hasn't gotten in touch yet. If he gets there before he does, he can kill time on his phone. He'll feel better just being on the move.

The timing actually works out well; she gets to South Station right as his bus is leaving, so assuming there isn't too much traffic, they'll get in right around the same time. It's really nothing to stress over.

Then she sends a follow-up message: Btw I've been not asking because I don't want to be creepy, but I probably need to know what you look like.

It's not like it's an unexpected request. Bellamy's been thinking about it himself, avoiding asking for the same reason she was. He knows she's white, but that's about it, and he never wanted to be the guy who cared about that.

It is, at least, relevant now. This is less curiosity than logistics.

augustushadatumblr: Like 5'10", black hair, brown eyes. Glasses. I'm wearing a button-down and khakis. No red rose in my pocket or anything, but there's a florist by the train station so I can grab one if I get there before you

artfulslytherin: I was hoping you had made a sign like chauffeurs do at the airportI'm 5'5", blonde hair, blue eyes. Jeans and gray henley. I've also got a nose ring, but you'd have to be pretty close to see that

augustushadatumblr: Yeah, I'm going to skip examining every blonde in Central's noseWe'll probably be fine

artfulslytherin: Probably, yeahI'm on my way to Kendall, by the wayThe part where we went over the river was really pretty

augustushadatumblr: Yeah, that's my favorite part of the red lineNot that it has a lot of competitionI think I am going to beat you here

artfulslytherin: You don't have to buy a rose, ftrDon't waste your money

He still thinks about doing it, just to help break the ice, but it feels a little too on-the-nose romantic, especially when neither of them has talked about this being a romance. And it might not be.

He goes to Starbucks and grabs an iced tea instead, his phone feeling as if it's burning a hole in not just his pocket, but his entire right leg. She'll be here in no time, unless something goes wrong with the red line. Which, given the red line, isn't that unlikely, but he's not going to dwell on it. If she gets stuck behind a disabled train, he might actually die of nerves.

His phone buzzes and he has just enough time to read the message--I'm thirsty, I'm going to hit up the Starbucks, meet me there--before he hears the door opens and sees a girl with wavy blonde hair coming in. She's wearing a gray henley and jeans, looking at a cell phone, and there's definitely a bi flag pin on the strap of her backpack.

It takes him a second to remember how to breathe, but a lot longer to get his act together, so of course that's when the barista calls, "Bellamy!"

The girl startles, looking around wildly, and he waves when her eyes hit him, a small, nervous gesture. She's cute. Like, stupidly cute. He'd been bracing himself for having a semi-crush on her but her not being his type, but that's definitely not an issue. If he met her at a bar, he'd try to get her number.

It's not really something he's prepared to deal with, but he's going to have to do it anyway.

He holds up his finger, signalling her to wait, and goes to grab his drink before joining her in line, heart in his throat. "Hey, I was just about to respond to your message."

She smiles. "I think I've got the general idea."

Her voice isn't as high as he was expecting, and now that he's standing next to her, he can see the nose ring, a mole on her lip, the curve of her smile. Clarke, right here, close enough to touch.

He used to know words, but they're gone now.

"I think you're closer to five-nine," says Clarke, looking him up and down like she can actually measure him with just her eyes.

He chokes on his tea. "What?"

"I don't think you're five inches taller than I am."

"Maybe you're closer to five-six."

She smirks like she's winning already, and the nerves in his stomach reshapes like a balloon animal turning from a dog into a top hat. He's no less fluttery and anxious, the configuration has just changed.

He clears his throat. "So, welcome to Boston."

"Thanks. So far it's muggy and gross."

"Yeah, it's going to keep doing that."

"DC is actually grosser, so at least there's that."

"That's where you grew up, right?" She's in grad school in Indiana now, but he remembers her mom is a lobbyist, still goes back for breaks and holidays. She went to Georgetown too, he's pretty sure.

He already knows her pretty well.

"Yeah. My mom wanted me back for the summer, but getting a job on-campus sounded way better."

"You still think that with how shitty the job is?"

"You're underestimating how shitty staying with my mom is, which I know I've complained about."

He snorts and she grins and they move forward in the line. Clarke asks how work went and he finds himself admitting easily that he was so nervous he got basically nothing done. She admits she completely shredded a napkin on the plane. and that seems to be the magical interaction. They were both nervous, but they're happy, and they can move on with the friendship. It's cool.

They walk over to Harvard so she can see the campus, check out the art museum, which he hasn't been to before, and grab Korean fried chicken for dinner because he's been craving it for a week. The restaurant doesn't serve alcohol, so they get the food to go, buy a six-pack, and walk back to his apartment. His roommate is a nightmare, but a nightmare who usually goes out to bars around dinner, and they have the place to themselves.

It doesn't even feel weird anymore. She's just--Clarke. The same person she's always been.

"That wasn't too bad, right?" she teases as he walks her back to the train, like she can read his mind. "Definitely not too awkward."

"Define too awkward," he says, and she elbows him. "It's been fun."

"What time are you coming to the con tomorrow?"

"I haven't decided yet. Whenever you want me to come. I assume you have a whole itinerary planned."

"And you're just going to follow me around?"

He shrugs. "I assume it's a good itinerary."

"The best," she agrees. "See you tomorrow."

The con itself is fine, if not particularly exciting. Animus is starting its third season in September, so they have a trailer and some promotional material to talk about. And the real draw for him and Clarke was that both halves of their favorite ship are here, which is pretty exciting. He's not generally into meeting celebrities, but the two of them have a good vibe and John Murphy is pretty much the polar opposite of Martin in real life, so it's kind of hilarious to see him being his actual vulgar self instead of a buttoned-up nerd.

Plus, he and Nate Miller is fucking hot. Eye candy is always nice.

It is a little weird being tumblr user augustushadatumblr at the con, which he hadn't allowed himself to consider. It felt too egotistical to think people might know him. But even if there are a lot of guys at the con overall, the Animus fandom skews female, so whenever he's at panels or in line for autographs, he stands out. And he said on tumblr that he'd be here, which he regrets roughly ten seconds into waiting for the first panel, when the someone comes up to him and says, "Sorry, but are you Augustus?"

She sounds so excited that he doesn't know how to respond, just stares like a trapped animal until Clarke leans over. "He is."

"I love your fic!"

He clears his throat. "Uh, cool. Thanks." Clarke nudges him, and he finally recovers, manages a smile. "Sorry, I really wasn't expecting anyone to know who I was except Clarke."

It's the wrong thing to say; her eyes widen as she looks between the two of them. "You're Clarke?" she asks.

"That's me."

"I didn't know you guys were together!"

"Just hanging out," she says, smooth. "B--Augustus here was showing me the town."

"We went to a museum and fried chicken place."

"In the town."

"Technically it was in Cambridge."

"Augustus showed me around a different town," Clarke corrects. "It was fun."

"Well, I really love all your stuff," the girl says. "Both of you."

"Thanks," says Bellamy. "I'm glad you to hear it."

It's the first such encounter, but not the last. Not everyone actually recognizes him or Clarke, but all they have to do is introduce themselves and a not insignificant number of congoers are familiar with one or both of them. It's flattering, albeit surreal, and he's happier when it's just him and Clarke wandering around, anonymous and largely unnoticed.

He didn't purchase any extras, but Clarke got autographs and doesn't mind him following here there too, so he gets to get close enough to both John Murphy and Nathan Miller to (theoretically) touch them, and gets to hear both of them heap praise on Clarke's art, which is awesome. She deserves it.

Clarke leaves straight from the con on Sunday afternoon, so he goes to the airport to see her off. She hugs him, quick but firm, tells him how much fun she had, and he watches until she goes up the escalator to the terminal before he goes to wait for the silver line.

She texts to let him know she's through security--they exchanged phone numbers, that's another cool part of the weekend--and then she tags him in a post on tumblr when he's on the red line. He's expecting it to be just a quick note about the con, and in a way it is, but in response to an anon ask: Who was your favorite celebrity you met???? plz be murph I love him lmao

@augustushadatumblr, no question, she's replied, and he reblogs it to add right back at you and grins all the way home.

two. new york comic con, october 2017

"So, how do you know this person isn't going to murder us?"

Bellamy glances at his sister. "Why would she murder us?"

"I don't know, maybe because you spent my entire childhood telling me to be careful of strangers on the internet and now you're going to bring an internet-stranger to sleep on my couch?"

"Yeah, okay. I've met her before, if it helps."

"But she's not your girlfriend. I'm not being heteronormative!" she hastens to add. "Just, like--you're sharing a bed with her."

"Because we're cheap and if we both sleep on your futon we don't have to pay for a hotel. She's got a girlfriend," he adds.

Octavia frowns. "And her girlfriend is cool with her sleeping with you?"

"We're adults, O. It's not a big deal."

"I'd feel kind of weird if my hypothetical boyfriend flew to another state to share a bed with some other girl. Is she gay? Are you just never going to be her type?"

"She's bi, and you're definitely getting heteronormative. People can just not fuck, seriously."

"It's cool that everyone's so mature," is what Octavia finally settles on, and he doesn't argue that.

The truth is, he's a little bummed about Clarke's girlfriend. It's a relatively new relationship, but they started dating a couple weeks after Clarke came to Boston, and that stung. He'd maybe been hoping he left more of an impression.

The girlfriend thing had also left him a little hesitant to ask Clarke about coming to New York in the first place. Even though a decent number of people from the Animus cast were showing up, he kind of hates New York, and he hadn't felt particularly motivated to try to score tickets. It just seemed like a lot of work.

But one of O's coworkers already had tickets and couldn't go, so he was selling them and Octavia asked if he was interested. It's rare enough for her to actually invite him to stay that it was worth taking advance of.

And since there were two tickets, he figured he'd invite Clarke. If she didn't want to come, he would have found someone else, but he had to at least offer.

In all honesty, he thought she'd say no.

Clarke: I'm outside the buildingAssuming my taxi took me to the right place and I'm not about to get shivved

Me: Only one way to find outI'll come let you in

She's waiting outside the door with a backpack and bags under her eyes, but when she sees him, she brightens all at once.

"Long flight?" he asks, giving her a quick hug.

"Long week. It'll be nice to relax some."

"You say that because you haven't actually seen my sister's apartment yet."

"Are you saying your fifty it's really cramped and she has three roommates warnings didn't prepare me for how it's really cramped and she has three roommates?"

"I guess we'll find out." He hits the button for the elevator. "Why the long week?"

"Just a lot to do for class. And--" She sighs. "Not to be really pathetic, but I feel like I haven't had as much time for fandom since I started dating Lexa? And it's kind of stressing me out."

"What part of it?" he asks, leaning against the wall.

"Everything, kind of. I know I haven't been talking to you as much, you don't have to tell me."

"I wasn't going to. We still talk pretty much every day, but everyone gets busy sometimes. Especially at the beginning of a relationship. It takes a while to figure out how to balance."

"Yeah. And maybe that's it? But I haven't told her I'm in fandom yet, so it feels like I can't engage when she's around. Even when she's just hanging out and we're not doing anything special. She's on her phone and I could be drawing, but I don't want to tell her what I'm doing."

"Why not?"

"I've dated a lot of people who were weird about it."

The elevator dings and he follows her in, hits their floor. "My high-school girlfriend was the one who got me into fandom in the first place, so I never worried about it with her. And then I haven't really had a serious relationship and a serious fandom at the time same time, so it hasn't really come up."

"Yeah. I feel like--" She huffs. "My friends all know and don't care, but I never figure out a good way to be, like, I'm online a lot! I like drawing pictures of fictional characters kissing and a lot of my friends are on the internet. Hope that's cool."

"What did you tell her about this weekend?"

"That my friend got tickets to NYCC and asked if I wanted one. She didn't ask for many other details."

"I think if it's bothering you because you can't be yourself with her, that's a problem and you should figure out how to talk to her. If you're just feeling bad for not being around as much online, don't. You're allowed to just have a life."

"More of the first one," she says. "It doesn't help that I said I liked the show and she said it was cheesy and juvenile."

"It kind of is," he admits. "And this season is starting off rocky."

"Yeah, but you're saying it with love."

"She hasn't earned it." He raps on the door. "O, we're here to murder you!"

"You always say that!" She opens the door, not even looking at him. All her focus is on Clarke. "Hi, you must be Bell's creepy internet friend."

"That doesn't really narrow it down, he has a lot of creepy internet friends."

It's the right answer; Octavia grins and steps out of the way, letting them in. "And creepy non-internet friends. You have really bad taste in people."

"This is why I don't visit you more."

"You don't visit me more because you think New York is too tall."

"Five-nine is a totally fine height to be," Clarke says, patting his arm. "You don't have to feel bad about it."

"I just don't like skyscrapers," he grumbles, but his smile is twitching out despite his best efforts. Octavia and Clarke are together and making fun of him; it's kind of awesome. "And it's too big."

"Title of your sex tape," says Octavia. "Come on, Clarke, I'll give you the tour."

They order takeout for dinner and watch the first couple episodes of Animus season three while they eat; Octavia likes the show but doesn't keep up very well, so it's new to her, while Bellamy and Clarke are already irritable about it. Lots of shows seem to go through third-season slumps, so it's not totally surprising, but it still kind of sucks. Bellamy always feels like shows start going downhill as soon as he gets into them, like he's some kind of weird jinx. Just once he'd like to feel like he's not late to the party.

But watching with Clarke is fun. They get to heckle while Octavia tells them they're giant nerds, which they are, and even if the show isn't everything he wants it to be, friendship is.

"This is why I'm getting you a pan pride pony," Clarke says, when he tells her as much. They're tipsy and trying to turn the futon into a bed with limited success, and everything feels warm and nice, a fuzzy blanket wrapped around the world.

His tolerance might be shot.

"What about a pride pony? That was so many p's."

"You're the writer, you should appreciate alliteration. And I'm getting you a pony because you just love friendship so much."

They finally get the fitted sheet down and Bellamy flops on top of it for a break. "Who doesn't love friendship? You love friendship. You're having fun."

"I am. It's too bad there aren't more cons."

"You know we can be friends without cons, right?"

"Yeah, but--it's easy."

It makes sense to him. It's hard to just decide to meet someone; it's why he's never met any of his other internet friends. If someone told him they were coming to Boston, maybe, or if he was traveling, but he never knows how to just invite himself into someone's life without some other excuse.

"Yeah, I was really glad when O asked about the tickets. I'm never sure how often I can come see her."

Clarke drops a sheet on top of him and then a quilt, and then she lies down next to him, apparently satisfied with how made the bed is. "How old is she again?"

"Twenty-four."

"So--six years younger than you."

"Yeah." He doesn't talk about his sister online, not really, not even to Clarke. It's not worth it. "I took care of her a lot when we were kids. I named her, she's never forgiven me for that."

She turns so she's facing him. "You were six and Octavia was the name on the tip of your tongue?"

This part she'll like. "Augustus had a sister, you know."

As he hoped, she dissolves into quiet laughter, doubling over so her hair brushes his chin. It feels like having a sleepover, or how he thinks having a sleepover would have been. It's not something he ever did.

"How did Emperor Augustus become your patronus?"

"Because of that. My mom was--we were in a really shitty place when she was pregnant. O's dad was our landlord, and my mom fucked him to pay the rent. She was afraid he'd do something awful if he found out about O, try to get custody. So she told me we had to hide what was happening."

"You don't have to tell me."

"Do you not want me to?"

She smiles. "Just--no pressure. I didn't know it was a tough question."

"Yeah. She used to tell me stories to explain--everything, I guess. Why we had to be quiet about Octavia, why she left, why she didn't like the landlord. She liked classics, so that was the theme. Maybe I liked Augustus because he could actually do things instead of just running and hiding, I don't know." He smiles. "It's mostly a joke now. Whenever I ask Octavia what I should name something, she asks if Augustus had one, so I just sort of went with it."

"Was your LJ augustushadalivejournal?"

"No comment."

Her eyes drift shut. "I don't know anything about Augustus, honestly. Tell me?"

"Sure," he says, and tells her stories until she falls asleep.

The con is fine, but he barely even remembers it, later. That's what stays.

three. awesome con, march 2018

"I don't see why you're nervous."

"Really?" Bellamy asks, glancing over at Clarke in the driver's seat. Her mother is apparently so excited she's visiting that she paid for a rental car, which seems like a waste of money, but rich people waste money. It's nice to not have to take public transportation from Dulles to wherever Clarke's mom lives. "You don't have any ideas?"

"I'm just saying, I met your sister, you're meeting my mom. We're even."

"Parents are more stressful than siblings. What did you even tell your mom about me?"

"That you're my friend from the internet. What was I supposed to tell her?"

"I don't know. I assume your mom doesn't know about fandom."

"She knows I'm a semi-popular artist online, so she accepts that I have online friends."

It feels like a sore subject, but the feeling might be all in his head. Clarke and Lexa broke up at Christmas, when they had a mature conversation about how they didn't feel like they really had a future together, and Clarke's seemed fine with it. But he can't help wondering if the fandom thing was a thing, like he's maybe poking something tender.

"Besides, it got me home for spring break. She's happy."

"Do you lie to me about how often you come back home?" he asks. "You were here for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's not like she never sees you."

"I know. She acts like I never come home, but I see her more than a lot of my friends see their families."

"Yeah, definitely more than I see my sister."

"She really wants me to move back to DC after I graduate," she says. "I think she always thought I'd stay in the area, since I was here for college. That's part of why I wanted to go away from grad school. I needed to live somewhere else."

"Do you think you'll come back to DC when you're done?"

"I don't think so. I don't think I want to stay in the midwest, but--" She flashes him a smile. "Honestly? I'll go wherever I get a job."

"Yeah, that seems right."

"Boston's cool."

His heart lodges in his throat. "Yeah. I like it."

Clarke's mother is polite in a brittle way he's used to from upper-class white women of a certain age, this awareness that they feel like they should be nice to him and are very conscious of trying to treat him correctly when they could just be treating him like any other person. But Clarke is good at running interference, and by the time they're going to dinner, it's pretty much normal, aside from the way Abby seems convinced that they're dating, and Clarke just isn't ready to tell her yet.

Which, to be fair, she probably wouldn't be. He can't fault the logic.

Awesome Con doesn't have a ton of Animus stuff going on, which is honestly fine by Bellamy. The season is wrapping up in a few weeks, and while they could miraculously pluck something good from the garbage fire that's come before, his hopes aren't high. It's not enough to kill his passion entirely--he still likes his pairing and (parts of) the fandom, and he's not sure his friendship with Clarke would survive his ditching the fandom, if he's honest--but he's more interested in checking out DC than he is in the con itself.

Clarke, of course, has a plan.

"So, the only Animus actor at the con is Niylah," she says. "And she'll be there on Sunday, so I figure we can just go stop by and check out vendor stuff today and then go to as many Smithsonians as we can handle."

"That does sound pretty good. What's Niylah doing?"

"She's on a Women of Sci-Fi panel, which sounds pretty cool, and then she's got autographs and photo ops. The usual."

"Did you get an autograph?"

"Yeah, my art is going to be so good she falls in love with me and we live happily ever after."

"Solid plan. Which piece did you pick for that?"

"The pin-up one? Where Ariel is winking with the gun."

He nods. "Yeah, that would do it."

"Fingers crossed."

The museums are awesome, of course, and there's a large part of him that wants to just blow off the second day of the con too, but Clarke really likes Ariel and by extension Niylah, and her panel will probably be fun. She and John are siblings in real life, so they always have good stories about each other, and it's not like Bellamy doesn't like her. But being with Clarke at a con isn't particularly an improvement on just hanging out with her outside of the con. Clarke is the draw.

So he'll go wherever she wants.

They have autographs first and Clarke actually seems nervous, which is a new look on her. She was cool as a cucumber meeting John and Nate.

"Are you really not into Nate?" he asks, surprised. "He's so hot."

"Yeah, but gay. You're not into Niylah. It feels disrespectful."

"I'm not not into Niylah."

"You also didn't actually get tongue-tied around Nate."

"Because I'm smooth."

"Uh huh."

"But really, why are you so nervous?"

"I want her to like my art."

"I think her running away with you isn't actually realistic, if that's what you're worried about."

"Damn."

The line isn't that long, so Clarke doesn't have a ton of time to fret. Bellamy makes to leave when there's only one person ahead of them, in case Clarke wants to be alone with the celebrity, but she latches onto his arm like he's a lifeline.

"Why are you going?"

"Leaving you alone to charm her."

"I can charm her with you watching."

"Oh good, I've always wanted to see what game looks like coming from you."

"Don't go?" she asks, sounding almost shy, and of course he obeys, but he doesn't actually get it until she hands over the art she's having signed.

It's not the piece she said it was. It's one he's never seen, one he recognizes only because it's a scene from one of his fics. Ariel and Prima on a first date at the zoo, Prima with a melting sno-cone. He'd written it for her birthday, because she said there wasn't enough Ariel/Prima in the world.

It's been months. She never even told him she'd illustrated it.

"This is so cute!" says Niylah, beaming. "Did you draw it?"

"Yeah."

"I love the idea. Ariel would love the zoo."

For one horrified second, Bellamy is afraid Clarke's going to give him credit for the fic and he'll have to start praying for the earth to open and up and swallow him, which seems unlikely. There are probably people who would know how to deal with the I write fanfic about you conversation, but he's not one of them.

Clarke knows that, of course. "Yeah, it's one of my favorites. Hopefully I'll get to a con with Anya sometime and she can sign it too."

Niylah writes a quick message praising the drawing and Clarke thanks her, which Bellamy registers like he's watching it on TV, like he's not even in the same world. It's not like she's never done art based on his stuff before, but she's never surprised him with it, not like this.

"Was that okay?" she asks, soft.

"Honestly? It was weirdly emotional. I didn't think I'd care." He winces. "That came out wrong."

"No, I get it. That's what I wanted to do. It's really cool, getting to have that moment, and I knew you weren't going to print off your fic and show it off."

"Yeah, uh, I have nightmares about that."

"Yeah, I figured. I thought this would be a good compromise."

"Yeah, that was really awesome of you." He swallows, manages a smile that doesn't feel like enough. He doesn't know how to be enough. "Thanks."

"You're welcome. Want to go get seats for the panel?"

"Yeah."

She doesn't ever actually give him the picture; he finds it, wrapped and framed, in his luggage, when he gets home. We'll get Anya to sign it later, says her note, and he smiles at the we.

He doesn't know when he'll see her again, but it's going to happen. They'll make it work.

four. animate, february 2019

Bellamy is not prepared for Animate.

He thinks he is; it feels easy, actually, because it's a con just for Animus, and even if he's a couple bad plot twists away from breaking up with the show, he still likes the actors and the fandom, and a con with just the stuff he cares about sounds like a good match. Plus it'll be smaller, less overwhelming, and, of course, Clarke will be there. He hasn't seen her in almost a year; if she wanted him to go to the moon to hang out, he would have been selling a kidney to afford tickets.

The main stumbling block is that it might not actually happen. Even if he didn't personally go to cons for his first few years in fandom, he kept up, and he knows that first-time cons are a risk, that they can fall apart or under-deliver or be a total scam.

But, again, Clarke wants to go, and she's not worried.

Clarke: If the con doesn't fire, we just hang out in Chicago for the weekendThere are tons of museums there, we'll be fine

Me: In the middle of winter?Not exactly the best time to wander around the city

Clarke: You're already in Boston, Chicago can't be that much worseBesides, it'll be my last semester of grad schoolI'll need a breakAre you worried about your girlfriend being weird?

Me: I told you, she's not my girlfriendWe went on a couple datesAnd we decided to just be friendsYou're being weird

Clarke: So what I'm hearing is you're going to need to nurse your broken heart

Me: I'm barely heartbroken nowI'm definitely not going to be heartbroken in like six months

Clarke: You could beYou can find someone else to date and then you guys break up because they're jealous we're sharing a hotel room

Me: I'll see if I can set that up

Clarke: Keep me postedSo, I'm booking the room?

Me: YeahSee you in February

Over the next few months, he keeps waiting for something to go wrong, but nothing does. Everything keeps lining up exactly right, right up until he's at the airport waiting for his flight and he realizes that everything going right actually counts as things going wrong. He'd been so focused on thinking about how this wasn't going to happen that he's not ready for it.

The problem isn't really that he's falling out of the fandom, although it's certainly a little stressful. It's weird to be going to what is, essentially, a two-day party for something he's not actually invested in anymore, but that's not nearly as weird as the fact that he's on his way to Clarke. Because in the last few months, since that first date with Echo, the one that never managed to turn into anything, Bellamy's been thinking. It's getting harder and harder to ignore that there's no one he likes as much as Clarke, no one he wants to talk to as much as he wants to talk to her. No one else compares to her.

And now he's spending a weekend sharing a hotel room with her. There's a non-zero chance it's going to be torture.

Her flight gets in before his, so she's already waiting for him when he arrives. She's gotten her hair cut short and there's a pink streak in it, and it makes it feel like it's been so much longer since he last saw her than it really has been. Like it's been years instead of months.

He missed her.

"Hey!" she says, putting her tablet into her bag and jumping up for a hug. "How was the flight?"

"Fine. How was yours?"

"Incredibly short. I barely had time to put down my tray table."

"Doesn't sound so bad to me." He shrugs his shoulders, getting his backpack settled more comfortably. "So, taxi to the hotel?"

"Sounds good. Some people from tumblr are having dinner, they invited us but I said you might be too tired. In case we want to get out of it."

"Do you want to get out of it?"

"I don't think so? We're usually not social at these, we should try it out."

His whole chest warms with the natural, unconscious pronoun. They're a unit here; she's not doing anything without him.

"Yeah, that sounds fun."

There's a surreality to the meal that there hasn't been since that first con, when he kept getting recognized. He's been incognito before, but everyone here is someone in fandom, and he's a fairly conspicuous someone. He still doesn't post many pictures of himself, but Clarke drew a little cartoon version of him as a birthday gift (along with a Fluttershy plushy, since she finally decided which My Little Pony was the pan one) and he's got it set as his userpic now. Even with the stylization, it's pretty easy to recognize him. Clarke's good at what she does.

It's not bad, exactly, having people who already know and like him. He likes them too, for the most part. But it feels like he's passed into another world, with Clarke his only tether to reality.

She's even less comfortable with the situation than he is, though, flagging faster, drifting away from the conversation before their food's even arrived. She's mentioned that she's somewhat introverted, that she struggles in social situations where she doesn't have a clear goal.

But she's also the most stubborn person alive, so he's the one to plead exhaustion to get them out of going back to Harper's hotel room to watch a smash-cut of Martin/Conner scenes.

"We could have gone," Clarke tells him, like he might somehow not be aware.

"I'm tired."

Her mouth quirks. "It's weird, right?"

"It really is."

"I know it's supposed to be this big draw, getting to hang out with everyone, but it's so much harder in person."

"Not for us."

"No. I was so worried, that first con."

"Yeah, me too. I thought it might be awkward the whole time."

"It's only awkward like half the time."

She laughs. "Sixty-percent, tops."

"I really missed you," he admits. "Is that weird?"

"Maybe. But I missed you too."

They watch Bob's Burgers in their own hotel room, and that's so much better than anything else he could be doing with his time. Clarke fills him in on the classes she's taking, he updates her on his weird boss and his own idle thoughts about maybe trying to do grad school, now that he's somewhat financially stable.

"How much longer do you think you're going to stay in this fandom?" he asks her, once the lights are out. This is their best talking time, as adolescent as that feels. "I feel like you're drifting out."

"And you're not?"

"I am, but I wasn't sure if yours was just that you were busy trying to graduate."

"Not just that." She sighs. "I still draw a lot honestly, but putting it up and dealing with the reaction just stresses me out? I think I'm not good at this stage of fandom. The one where people tag creators in my art and ask them why the pairing isn't canon yet."

"Yeah, I'm glad I don't get that."

"You get other stuff, though."

"It's worth it when I'm into the show," he muses. "Or at least when I'm really into the pairing. But Martin and Conner haven't even talked in like half a season. It feels like they heard people were shipping them and decided they could stop us if they tried hard enough."

"Well, you are stopping."

"I'm also stopping watching the show, so I don't think that's an overall win for them."

"Probably not. Any new fandoms on the horizon?"

"Not yet."

"Well, let me know if you find one. I'll tag along."

He smiles. "You'll be the first to know."

With the con's laser focus on Animus, it's actually a lot easier to fill their schedules for the next day. Clarke sprung for all of the autographs because she has one group shot she wants signed by the whole main cast, so their biggest scheduling issue is figuring out which panels they don't mind skipping to wait in line instead.

"I did get you a surprise, too," he offers, a little shy, while Clarke is putting together their battle plan over breakfast.

"A surprise?"

"I owed you."

"You didn't. What's the surprise?"

"Photo op with John and Nate. I figured we could do one together, it would be fun."

She grins. "I thought you said celebrity pictures were a waste of money."

"Pictures with friends aren't."

The smile turns a little wistful. "So, is this your last one of these, you think?"

"I'm not willing to bet you and I will ever make it to another con with John and Nate. And if we do another one, we can always get another picture."

"Start a collection."

He shrugs, but he knows how pleased he looks. She's definitely grateful. "It'll go well with all our art."

"It will. Thanks. I would have gotten one, but I didn't want to go alone."

"I'll always go up with you."

Her smile is soft. "Yeah, I guess you would."

Aside from the picture, Bellamy only purchased one extra: an autograph from Anya, for Clarke's Prima/Ariel picture. It's the first autograph he's ever actually gotten for himself, and he's already fretting about what he'll say and how he'll come across.

Clarke is delighted. "You do get weird around celebrities!"

"I'm bad at small talk."

"It's not small talk, it's barely talk. They do most of the work, they're used to it."

"I forget you're an expert."

"I kind of am. But you're definitely starting off at a higher difficulty level. Anya is intimidating."

"Thanks for your support."

"I'm here, aren't I?"

That finally gets him to crack a smile. "You are, yeah. You can go first."

Anya's line is pretty fast-moving, but it's also long. This is the first con Bellamy has ever seen her attending, and she's definitely a fan favorite. He and Clarke are far from the only ones worried this will be their only chance to get their stuff signed. It's hard for Bellamy to imagine doing this without a buddy; he'd be awkward and bored without someone to talk to, and when he needs to go to the bathroom, she can hold his place in line.

He knows what it looks like, the two of them, but that's not bad.

But then, when they're only about ten people from Anya, Niylah shows up for her session. Bellamy doesn't think much of it as it's happening; he saw her spot, knew in theory when her session was starting. They were already planning to go to her next, their last autograph of the day before they found dinner.

Clarke's autograph is straightforward. Her piece is the whole cast of Animus having a nice day at the beach, and Anya immediately finds Prima playing volleyball with Ariel, Martin, and Conner and nods her approval.

"Cute. Did one of you draw it?"

"I did," says Clarke.

"You're very talented. Everyone's going to sign it?"

"No one's said no yet, so I assume so."

Anya cracks a small smile, signs her name, and hands it back to Clarke before turning her attention to Bellamy. "You have something for me too?"

"Yeah, more of her art."

To his surprise, when she sees his picture, she breaks into a real smile, bright and unexpected as sun breaking through storm clouds. "This is even cuter."

Niylah just happens to be looking over, and she grins too. "Hey, it's you two! Good to see you again."

"Friends of yours?" Anya asks.

"You can see I signed it. He was so nervous last time," she adds, which is not at all how Bellamy remembers it. "His girlfriend had to grab his arm so he didn't run away."

That does actually seem like a pretty valid way to remember it, when she puts it like that. Clarke is certainly more than happy to go with it. "He's not great with celebrities."

"Thanks as always for your support."

"I'm glad you guys got it to Anya," says Niylah, her smile apparently genuine, and Bellamy smiles back.

She says something similar when they get the autograph, and Clarke doesn't correct her that time either. Not that Bellamy really knows how they would correct her. It's such a quick interaction with someone they may never see again, who cares if she thinks they're dating?

It's not actually a big deal, he knows that. In the grand scheme of things, it's nothing. An actress remembered them and made an incorrect assumption. She's not the only person to think it, not even the first person to say it. But it feels weightier, coming from her.

Maybe he's just looking for a sign.

"So," says Clarke, and that feels heavy too. But all she adds is, "Dinner?"

"Do we have any plans?"

"I think there are plenty of people we can talk to if we want plans, but we don't have any."

"I want to order pizza and hang out in our room."

"I could live with that."

She finds a pizza place while he gets his picture back in the frame. He hadn't actually looked at it yet, too swept up in the celebrity encounter, but he sees now that Anya wrote, Your girlfriend is very talented as her message, which is one reason to have maybe corrected her.

But it's kind of perfect too. He'll take it.

"Okay," says Clarke. "Pizza ordered, ETA half an hour."

"Cool. Anya thinks you're my girlfriend."

"Anya probably already forgot we exist."

He hands her the framed print and she just studies it for a moment, her expression unreadable.

Then she hands it back. "Should I have corrected her?"

"I could have done it."

"That's not what I meant." She looks at him, her eyes almost comically intense, given what they're talking about, except that it is important. His heart is beating out of his chest. "Was she wrong?"

He opens his mouth and then closes it. It's such a Clarke question, this weirdly aggressive way to say, well--

She probably likes him too.

"You're definitely very talented," he says, and her expression cracks into a laugh. "I don't want her to be wrong," he goes on. "But I figured we should talk."

She worries her lip. "I've been looking for jobs in Boston. For after graduation."

"Are you finding any?"

"I think I've got some good prospects."

"Fuck," he says, grin overtaking his face. "Can I kiss you yet? I want to kiss you so fucking much."

She doesn't answer, just pulls him down, her mouth warm and smiling under his, everything he's been waiting for. Everything he's wanted since the first time he met her. Before then, even.

They miss the panels the next morning; it's totally worth it.

five. san diego comic con, july 2022

"I can't believe we're here," Bellamy says, flat and not particularly enthused. He's not sure he's ever been anywhere that felt so packed.

"We always said we wanted to go at least once."

"We say a lot of things."

Clarke rolls her eyes. "It's just three days. We'll survive."

"Hopefully. And I think we're getting more introverted as we age. This is probably the last year we could do this."

"Exactly. It's a good thing we're getting it done now."

"And it has absolutely nothing to do with you wanting to meet Lincoln Tremont."

"Like you don't."

"Yeah, but mostly to make O jealous. She's had a thing for him since he was on that shitty ABC Family channel show about homeless werewolves."

"We all had a thing for him in that show, his character was allergic to shirts. Stars Beyond could learn from them."

Even after they started dating, Bellamy had been a little worried if his and Clarke's relationship could survive the final fall of the Animus fandom. It's not as if he thought that was the only thing they had in common, but there's something about meeting through a mutual interest that makes the connection seem transitory.

And he is, admittedly, kind of a paranoid person. It's hard to believe he's really allowed to get anything as good as his life with Clarke.

But she was done with the fandom by the end of season four, if not earlier--she admitted a few weeks after Animate 2019 that she wouldn't have even made it as long as she had if she hadn't liked him so much--and only he held on until the third episode of season five, when Prima died for no reason except that they couldn't think of a better storyline to write for her. He still watched through to the mid-season finale, but he never picked it back up after the hiatus, and that death. was why. It was just such a waste. And it had been tough in the same way that falling out of a fandom always is, the sudden gaping hole where his hobby used to be, but having a girlfriend kind of helped there. They watched Netflix and played video games and made out, and they're probably going to get a cat soon.

Still, it's nice to be back in a fandom, and to be back in a fandom together. Stars Beyond just finished up a (no pun intended) stellar first season, and it's got just the right combination of interesting characters and untapped potential to be fandom catnip.

Plus, Lincoln Tremont. Bellamy remembers him on that werewolf show too, but he's definitely gotten better with age.

Not surprisingly, his line is huge. Clarke thinks Emori's might be shorter--she's a guest star who's getting promoted to main cast next season, but she's definitely not as popular--so she goes grab her autograph while Bellamy holds their place in Lincoln's glacially slow line.

"She's really hot in person," she says, when she gets back. "You should walk by her table."

"I do need to go to the bathroom. Lincoln's taking time to talk to everyone and make a real connection."

"Dick. Can you get me a Coke on your way back?"

He gives her a quick kiss. "I'm drinking half of it."

"Deal."

The autograph room is busy because everything and everywhere is busy, but it's kind of a nice, spread-out busy-ness. There's so much going on and so many different draws for so many different fandoms that even lines for big-name stars aren't as bad as they could be. Some people don't have a line at all, which always happens, but it always makes Bellamy feel a little shitty. He'd feel weird if he was the C-list celebrity who went to a convention and nobody cared.

On his way back from the vending machine, after swinging by Emori's line to see that, yes, she is even more gorgeous in real life, he spots Anya as one of the ones with no line in front of her, and before he knows it, he's walking over. She's been doing voice-acting on a pretty decent Cartoon Network show since Prima got killed off, and he's sure she's got plenty of fans here, but it's weird, remembering how long her line was at Animate and seeing her with no one here now.

He doesn't have to feel bad for her, but he actually does want to talk.

"Hi, uh, this is weird," he starts, and her coolly raised eyebrow nearly stops him in his tracks. "But I actually wanted to thank you for something."

"Oh?"

"A few years ago, I was at the first Animate in Chicago? And you signed some fanart for me. I'm not expecting you to remember," he adds. "But my girlfriend drew it, and you wrote that she was really talented. Or, uh, that my girlfriend was really talented. We weren't actually dating yet back then, and your message gave me the excuse I needed to talk to her about it. So--thanks."

"I don't remember that," she admits. "But I'm happy I helped."

He worries his lip, the idea coming to him through a fog of half-formed fantasies, scenarios he'd imagined but never quite perfected. When the time was right, when everything aligned, he'd know. That's what he'd told himself.

"Can I actually get you to help one more time?" he asks. "I need another autograph."

Clarke is nearly at the front of the line when he makes it back to her. "I was about to text you," she says, frowning. "I thought you were going to miss it."

He hands over the Coke. "The line for the men's room was really long for some reason."

She snorts. "Yeah, that's a real mystery."

"Nervous?"

"He's wearing his shirt, so I think I can control myself." Her eyes sweep over him and her forehead crinkles. "Are you okay?"

It feels like he's experiencing all of the anxiety that has ever existed in the world at once, but there's no way he's saying that. "Too many people around."

"Good thing we're done after this."

It doesn't feel even a little true, but he smiles. "Good thing."

Lincoln, once they get to him, is the perfect convention guest, warm and engaged, friendly, apparently genuinely interested in the two of them. It might be bullshit, but it's at least fun. Bellamy tells him that his little sister had the world's biggest crush on him when she was in middle school and Lincoln immediately offers to record a video of himself saying hi to her, which is going to be the perfect thing to send her like twenty-four hours after he sends the selfie they're taking with Lincoln. First he makes her jealous, then he shows he loves her; it's the older brother way.

And then the encounter is over, and Bellamy is left with a grand gesture to pull off.

"Okay, back upstairs, watch some TV, figure out what to do for dinner?" Clarke asks.

"Yeah. Maybe see if we can go somewhere nice."

She looks amused. "Somewhere nice? How nice?"

"Mid-range. Somewhere we have to try to get a reservation."

"That might be hard in San Diego during Comic Con."

"Spring for room service?"

Clarke cocks her head at him. "Are we celebrating something I don't know about?"

The elevator opens at their floor, and he leads her into the room before he exhales, says, "I hope so. I, uh--I got you something. Another autograph."

The drawing is undeniably shitty; Bellamy isn't an artist, and he was drawing with Anya's sharpie on a piece of scrap paper her handler found for them. It's just two stick figures holding hands, labeled Prima and Ariel to make it theoretically fan art, and there's a heart over them.

Anya used her gold pen to add, Your boyfriend can't draw, but he'd like to be your husband anyway.

Clarke just stares at it for a second after he gives it to her, but he's not actually worried about her saying yes. They've talked about this before, in broad terms. She loves him, she wants to spend the rest of her life with him, she's planning to marry him. Anya asked if he was sure, and he promised he was.

Still, the pause feels endless.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me you were an artist," she says, and he laughs, and then she's kissing him, saying yes over and over, and he's grinning so hard he can barely stand it.

"So that's why I want to go out to dinner," he says, when they've finally recovered. "Or get something fancy."

"Room service," Clarke says. "Room service works for me." She grins. "You know, Anya isn't a guest tomorrow."

"And?"

"That means we can't tell her I said yes. We're going to have to find another con so we can let her know."

He laughs, kisses her hair. "I think I can live with that. We're pretty good at these, right?"

"Yeah," says Clarke. "I guess they're kind of our thing."

[trashp1x1e]

Some shit went down at this Christian co op that I go to

Tw: homophobia and light swearing (I'm also on mobile and with a phone which tends to disagree with what I'm typing sometimes )

(for those who want to know I'm 14 and a pan cis guy)

SO (excuse my language) SOME BULLSHIT FUCKERY HAPPEND STRAP IN FOLKS THIS IS A LONG ONE!!! (that's what she said) goddddddddddd i'm mad i i rarely get mad and swear but boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy howdy now here is how i might have gotten kicked out of my co op for talking about lgbt

me and my homie / closeted ex boyfriend who we shall bestow the name Link were talking about lgbt stuff like we do every time we are on break in the empty hallways and someone overheard us (probs cuz´ we were being loud)and went and talked to the owner and later in the day he told us to come talk to him in an icy calm tone (never a good thing)

Now Link was already in some hot water because in cooking my friend who we shall name Zelda (real orignal I know) made a joke (i can't remember what it was about but it was harmless ) which caused the teacher to tell at Zelda to leave and caused Link to have an anxity attack because his partner was getting yelled at and the teacher told him to get out as well when we were walking with the owner who we shall call Gannondorf (sticking with the Zelda theme) we saw the cooking teacher which Gannon was talking to so i thought "oh hey he's gonna talk to Link about getting kicked out of cooking...but wait why am i here instead of Zelda..I'm not in cooking I don't even get there before it starts " right as my mind is racing Gannon told us That talking about gender and sexuality it and it violated the code of conduct under "egregious"acts.

(I'm scared for Link's safety so I tell him to out me instead of himself cause I think his mom has some sort of grudge against the whole ass lgbt)

Y'all smell that..? Oh no sorry i just stepped in some BULLSHIT!!!! The fucking code of conduct doesn't give that any examples of egregious act s!!!!Jesus fucking Christ c'mon at least SOME examples if you are gonna send someone home turn this bullshit!

And what we were talking about wasn't that bad unless you count "hey i thought my father was gay lol i don't know why i thought that when I was really young" and "oh I'm really grateful that you accept you for liking guys" nothing NSFW just joking around and talking about lgbt..which we do every fucking time we hang out!!

(Now i'm scared for Link's safety so I tell him to out me instead of himself cause I think his mom has some sort of grudge against the whole ass LGBTQ+ )

Anyways Gannon tells us to call our parents and tell them that we need to be picked up and he would be sending an email to our parents and seeing if we could come back(which in my opinion was dumb reason to send someone home)

Link is now panicing and is calling there mom and shaking because A his mom might be homophobic and suspect that he's in the lgbtq B his mom mentally barrages him enough C it's a 30 minute drive from to get to co op so yay for Link's mom...she I'm ok because I'm out to my parents and I tell my mom and dad what's going down and my dad said he will pick me up since my mom is at work

While waiting for our parents to get here Link got up to get something and he came back with my BI-Icon/dad who I'm gonna call Impa she tells me to not out myself and to out her instead (she is a fucking legend) but its too late now and I tell her that,then a spiteful Bitch who I was decently acquainted with asked Link "are you going to cry again?" NOW LET ME TELL YOU NOBODY FUCKS WITH MY FRIENDS AND SAYS THAT TYPE OF SHIT TO THEM is what I thought...I wanted to beat the shit out of this fool but I breathe in and let the anger disappear but I made sure my words rang with force I said "that was extremely rude and unnecessary get out." because it's not worth it to get in a fight and causing legal shit. Once that bitch finally left we told Impa to go get our group of friends which we call the HomieSexuals since the Gay best friends doesn't have a ring to it

Impa returns with everyone and they were just as pissed as I was but I didn't show it because that would stress everyone out even more so my body language and tone said "Pass me a la Croix " but I was pissed and then there was my number one Ally who looked like they were bout to cry but she said she " cries when she is pissed off " that's the first time I've heard her use anything close to swearing

(insert angry as fuk picture)

My ride gets here and I say my goodbyes and I hug everyone and say "ight I'm bout to head out" to ease the tension and lighten the mood

I head out and enter my dad's car and tell him what went down and he said with how many little kids he saw n coming out the bulding it wasn't my call weather they were exposed to the lgbt or not and that that's up to their parents" first off dad you make it sound like I was dressed up as a drag queen and was handing out pride flags to kids (something I would do tbh) he was more or less pissed that i was so chill about things (which I do when I should be nervous around my friends I want them to feel safe because fuck stress) after he got after me for being chill I got home and got to texting people to see what happened while I left A Gannons wife who looks like a Karen in training you know what I'm gonna call her KIT for short, KIT told the HomieSexuals to leave Link alone and as far as I was informed they weren't being too loud...after that I got a few texts from some others that i knew and hung around with told me that this was indeed bullshit and they had my back and that it's discrimination and that's kinda illegal cause this is technically counted as a private school . so Gannon if you do some how by some medical read this that's illegal buddy...make talking about lgbt against the rules and you might have a problem on your hands 😀👉👉

I haven't gotten a response from Link to see if they are ok yet but I'll keep y'all posted

Peace out my HomieSexuals

Tldr I might have gotten expelled from a co op talking about lgbtq

Edit#1 link is ok he just got the dumb ass pubishment of not being able to cut his hair

I got the option of being able to take class but not hang out on break or leave and and get a refund

So me and my mom said “ight ama head out”

Oh oh and you know what’s funny?

Link is ok! He’s in the clear that boi is Gucci oh no no Bitch I’m done! I’m so glad I left that place! Wanna know why that fucker is ok? Cause it told him to put my PanSexy ass! And he did! Hey fucker! That’s discrimination! But we can’t do jack fucking shit against Gannon cause he called my mom instead of emailing her there isn’t proof that he fuckin kicked me out!

Oh! Btw! My friend who I’ll call Joji found out who told Gannon :D

He is an adult who high key is a boomer ngl.

But heyyyy now I won’t have to deal with baby boomer bullshit from that place now!

If I ever see Gannon I hope i can record him saying some incriminating shit

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

c

Below are screenshots of a long PM exchange between myself and an individual the name of RDMacQ.

It continues on from a very long series of exchanges beginning here and continuing here.

It starts off with interactions on a message board before spewing over into PM discussions.

Also below is well...what I would’ve responded to some of RDMacQ’s comments but chose not to so as to hopefully not drag the interaction out yet longer.

I post these so there partially out of catharsis but also so that there is a clear record of what happened and you need not merely trust my word on the discussion, his word, and indeed can cite it if I do make erroneous claims in reference to it. We can then look at it and discuss.

“And this once again highlights your problem- you don't listen, you don't acknowledge what people say, you construct a narrative in your head about them and insist that they follow the imaginary and arbitrary rules you come up with, and you think are are one set of rules for you and one set of rules for everyone else.”

That’s rich coming from you. I apologized multiple times, you didn’t acknowledge this and instead either deliberately or because you are just that stupid decided to take it that I didn’t apologize and instead said it was actually your fault.

And you demanded I not interact with you in your last PM so who’s making up the rules in their head again?

I misinterpreted but you make it out that I’m schizophrenic.

“I told you to stop responding to me via personal email messages, because you weren't listening to me and responding to me with essay after essay trying to tell me how I'M really the bad guy in all of this and you're totally not to blame. You clearly weren't interested in acknowledging any fault beyond the stuff the mods got on your case for, so I told you to stop responding to me.”

a)      I also told you afterwards to stop interacting with me and you didn’t

b)      I wasn’t going to stop interacting with you after you told me to stop because you’d lied and slandered. Why on Earth should I allow you to lie and insult me?

c)       It’s rather rich arguing I responded to you with essay after essay when on multiple occasions you yourself responded with essay length posts. Including this one I am responding to now.

d)      You talk about narratives in MY head. YOU are the one claiming I was saying you were the bad guy. I wasn’t. I never ever said that. That’s all inside your own head.

e)      I also never said I wasn’t to blame, hence I apologized waaaaaaaaaay back in a PM literally entitled apology

f)       Putting aside how I owned up to a mistake in the first PM of this exchange, the stuff I was at fault for was the things the mods got on my case for. Which I owned up to. All the other stuff YOU claim I am at fault for is only YOUR assessment. And we’ve established you aren’t that great at seeing the plain and the obvious. Hence you utterly misread that I was apologizing and wasn’t saying I was faultless and you were to blame for everything. I stated  I was at fault and out of line in a big way then outlined where my anger regarding you comes from and elaborated that essentially there had been fault on both our sides, not fault only on yours

“YOU were the one who said I'd never hear from you again. ”

And I kept to that.

You however responded to a comment I didn’t address to you or indeed anyone specifically, which was an innocent question.

Then I responded to you by accident as I’d misread something you wrote as something Lockdown wrote, which I explained and apologized for.

That was a mistake but by that point you’d already interacted with me, you’d already broke what I’d taken to be an agreement of non-interaction.

My consequent interactions with you were to address this as I’d thought we had an agreement but 2 days in a row you’d talked directly to me.

 “And- again- given your track record and how I have absolutely zero trust in you anymore, I'd no reason to believe that you'd stick by that word.”

You know...except for the fact I did.

 “So when you made that post bitching about the multiple threads, it seemed like there was a very good chance that was a veiled shot at me, given how you've operated in the past, digging up old posts or just deciding you're going to be pissed off at something for no good reason. ”

I wasn’t bitching, it was an innocent question. I didn’t swear (which you accuse me of and just did btw). I wasn’t insulting anyone. I was just asking a question.

 My God you talk about a narrative in my head but you are the one seeing an innocent question not directed at you or anyone else as a ‘veiled shot’ at you.

 Also I already explained my ‘past operations’ were due to extreme extenuating circumstances. You are talking like I’ve been doing this for years on end when I haven’t. You are again demonizing and slandering me.

 “And since I was the one who started these threads and keep them going, that it was probably going to lead to another instance of you sending me a private message telling me what an asshole I am or how wrong I am because I have a different point of view than you do, or have somehow done something to "Offend" you, and you decided that somehow THIS time it would have been "Different" and therefore "Justified" to do this in your mind. ”

 This is some conspiracy level stuff. I asked a question. You take this as a veiled shot that going to lead to me attacking you in PMS.

 I never even called you an asshole in any PMs to my recollection and if I did I apologize for that but I honestly don’t remember ever saying anything like that. Saying you were wrong sure, but never personally insulting you the way calling you an asshole would constitute.

 I don’t even know what you are talking about with ‘different’ and ‘justified’. You just sound crazy.

 “So, yeah, I responded. Because I was trying to get out ahead of it and prevent you from going on a tirade which would then lead to another round of harassment from you. ”

 You are acting like every single time ever I’ve disagreed with you or stood my ground in opposition to your view I’ve harassed you.

 I crossed the line in a big way by digging up one thread and sending you like 3 PMs across a year attacking your points. That was wrong I’ll admit, but you are acting like EVERy instance ever has resulted in something like that and it hasn’t.

 It’s especially nuts in this instance because I just asked a question.

 “And if you don't think that's fair, and if I'm being too harsh on you, keep in mind the reason I decided to be done with you is because you decided to dig up posts from months if not years back and started sending me private messages telling me what an idiot I am, as well as try to insult me in public on the forum, because you claim you had some issues in your personal life and you decided I was going to be the target of your ire. ”

 You are indeed being way too harsh (and utterly unsympathetic); friendly reminder by the way I expressed sympathy for your own issues in our last long PM exchange. You are also being...crazy. I asked. A. Question. That was it. I didn’t criticise. I just asked why we do it one way instead of another. I didn’t respond to your answer. It made sense, it addressed my enquiry. That was it.

 Also none of the things I dug up were from years in the past.

 The only times I ever ���insulted’ you on the forums were by calling you belligerent; no mod has ever called me on this so you know....either they agree or it’s not an insult in their eyes.

 Not only is this entirely true (remember I’ve explained I wasn’t saying i was guiltless you were actually at fault, you just keep insisting that to be the case), but you yourself have insulted, accused and judged me publicly on the forums. I’ve not been the only person you’ve done that to either.

 Yeah I decided you were the target but I explained and apologized for that in my very first PM in this saga of ours.

  “Which was the absolute last straw in an LONG line of instances of you acting like an asshole to me, which you continued to refuse to even consider. ”

 I don’t refuse to consider it, hence I apologized at the very start which you ignorantly keep ignoring. Notice I’ve not called you an asshole once whilst you’ve done it multiple times across all these PMs.

 “So, yes, I responded to you. Because- and this needs to be pointed out again- people aren't obliged to live by the imaginary, arbitrary rules you set up in your head and insist that they all stick to, while you get to do whatever you want.”

 Uh huh, by the way totally unrelated question, do you own a mirror? Cos I seem to recall among your own imaginary rules you stated i was in the wrong for admitting i was wrong about something because it took too long for me to do so. Didn’t know there was a time limit.

 “I never said I was never going to respond to you ever again. YOU made that claim. Not me. ”

Yes but I took the whole wrap up to that as we were both agreeing to not interact with one another.

 I kept to that. You broke it. then i broke it by mistake and broke it again out of reflex and anger, which i owned up to.

 But right here right now YOU are acting not just as moral arbiter but as ultimate rule setter.

 I can’t interact with you but you can interact with me.

 I might’ve misinterpreted but my interpretation at least included a mutual understanding. You are just dictating i can’t talk to you but you can talk to me.

Unfortunately I lost the screen shot of my next PM. But it essentially read that I didn’t read his above comment (which is true at first I didn’t my above response is merely something I wrote a while after the fact for catharis) and that I’m spelling out clearly if he’ll agree to just not interacting in the future.

A reminder. This is the guy who takes major umbridge with me swearing. Here he is swearing and insulting me. 

I didn’t say this to him but i have to ask why exactly he gets to dictate the terms of what meeting him half way means when what it seems to mean is I admit I’m wrong, that he’s right and change my allegedly bad ways the way he wants me to. 

Doesn’t seem half way since he’s not owned up to doing anything wrong himself.

“And that's the problem.

 Because you seem to expect me to do whatever you request, and if I don't I'm being unreasonable.”

 Never said this. Never implied this. What’s unreasonable is either not reading my responses to you or then taking umbridge when I do the same in turn. Or you know taking an innocent question as bitching and a veiled shot.  

 “But you absolutely refuse to listen or do anything anyone else requests.”

 When it’s unreasonable and based upon slander and character assassination, sure.  

 “*I* have to read the massive two page essay you wrote telling me how wrong I am.”

Except you didn’t and if you had bothered to you’d see how I was conceding some points, apologizing over other things. But seeing how the root of your gripe rested upon you thinking I was saying you were at fault in the first place when I didn’t I was saying there was fault on both sides....yeah I think wrong covers it.

 “But *you* get to just completely ignore what I wrote because you don't want to read it.”

a)      You did the same thing

b)      You chose not to read stuff multiple times I did it once because it was distracting from the point and because you were continuing to insult, slander and character assassinate me

 “You saying "I don't know what you want" means nothing, because you wouldn't listen to me even if I told you.”

If it was unreasonable then sure.

Wholly conforming to what YOU dictate is not reasonable in the slightest  

 “Your attempts to "Smooth things over" is insincere.  You're not trying to do it to make things better.  You're just doing it to get out of trouble.”

I’m not IN any trouble in the first place. I rightly got a warning from the mods. End of story. I chose to try and smooth things over off my own volition.

 “So, fine.  Go back to the way you were before.”

I’ve been more polite and reasonable with you ever since this whole saga began. Much moreso than you have.

 “Getting angry at every single thing.”

Not true but that’s typical of you.

 “Insulting me whenever I expressed an opinion you disagree with.”

Our last half dozen interactions have involved me disagreeing with you but not insulting you. So again lying.

 “Send me private messages harassing me, and dig up months old conversations because you're pissed off at something else.”

Apologized for that. Did it just 3 times across a year. Owned up to that. haven’t done it since.

 And by the way ‘harassment’ in this context amounts to “Here is a quote you made. I’m going to deconstruct it and counterpoint it”

 I didn’t send you threats, or insults or bombard you day and night.

   “I'm sure that will go super well for you second time around.”

Well I haven’t done that soooooo you are chatting shit.

There.

Now I’ve sworn like you always claim I do.

I responded to both of the above PMs but just said ‘goodbye’ basically.

What I would’ve liked to have said is:

You are not a mind reader RD. I was indeed interested in meeting you half way. You burnt that bridge yourself.

I didn’t want you to abide by anything, I wanted us to talk and come to an understanding, some boundaries with one another we could respect.

You weren’t interested and claiming I demanded you abide by everything is hypocritical seeing as you won’t even agree to mutually break off all contact and yourself demand I conform to your prescribed change in behaviour, which involves owning up to negative traits according to YOU. 

You are not a moral arbiter an if you were you wouldn’t be a very good one.

Furthermore you have a humungeous problem seeing the woods for the trees.

You’ve dredged up the idea of meeting half way when I in the above comment made it clear I’m no longer interesting in that. It’s not a topic worth even talking about as it is irrelevent to moving forward.

In fact you’ve ignored so much of what I’ve said, or contorted it or just misread it deliberately I’m wondering if you have some kind of mental disorder.

“ That's you pretending to be reasonable so you could jump on your moral high horse the second I didn't abide by your arbitrary and ever shifting rules. “

That’s a lovely massive extrapolation you’ve got there.

“ You're worse than Dan Slott.”

I’m really not.

I’m not a big shot writer who’s abused my power to hurt a fan.

Second of all if all this allged behaviour of mine (according to you) renders me worse than Slott then you are in the same plague pit with me jerkoff.

“ The fact that you don't see the irony in you expecting people to read and comply with your giant essay long responses, while you won't bother to read a few sentences, speaks volumes, and says everything I need to know about you. Like I said- you're worse than Slott.”

You’re an idiot.

I mean you are severely fucking dumb.

YOU chose multiple times to ignore long posts I wrote.

I do this ONCE because you’ve missed the point and are going off on a tangent attacking my character which isn’t the point (the point was finding an agreement for interactions going forward) and I’m a filthy hypocrite. 

Go look in the cracked mirror sunshine.

I mean it wasn’t a few sentences it was 5 loaded paragraphs insulting my character and had little-nothing to do with the meat of the discussion.

And yet even I wouldn’t stoop so low as to claim you are worse than Dan Slott.

Though like him you do disgust me.

[alaynes-writings]

Penpals

Summary: The reader is exchanging e-mails with an unknown person because of a school project. Since they really like each other, they decide to finally meet in person.

Pairing: Alexander Hamilton x reader

Time period: modern

Word count: 2,401

Warnings: none

A/N: Lowkey inspired by Love, Simon. Amazing movie. Amazing book. Also I love penpals. As always, please tell me if you notice any mistakes so I can correct them. If you have time, feedback would be nice. Enjoy!

                                                            ---

The most exciting thing you did every day was turning on your computer. Not because you were a huge nerd or had an unhealthy obsession with the internet. No, it was because you couldn’t wait to read a new message from him.

Impatiently you drummed with your fingers on your desk as your browser opened and you logged in into your email account. You almost squeaked in excitement and a huge grin spread on your face when you saw the little “one” next to the new-messages-button.

From: youngscrappyandhungry@gmail.com

To: mysteriousperson13@gmail.com

13th October 2018, 8:43 am

Regard: I love autumn too!

Ah, I’m so glad you love autumn too! It’s my favourite season. I can finally drink coffee again without dying of heat and when I’m writing outside I’m much more inspired. Nature is just so wonderful. Also Halloween is the best thing because there’s lots of candy. Do you like Halloween too?

PS: Did you notice that today is the 13th ? Of course you noticed, it’s your favourite number. But anyway, happy 13th!

You chuckled at the last sentence. How cute that he remembered, that 13 was your favourite number! You opened a new draft and tried to think of an answer.

This whole thing had started a few weeks ago when the school psychologist had the great idea that the students should get to know each other better, most importantly, people who don’t normally hang out together. So this was basically one of those “We are all one big family”-projects. You had hated the idea, there was a reason some people just don’t hang out, maybe you weren’t interested in “making new friends”. But unfortunately this wasn’t obligatory and everyone had to hand in their email-adress. Since you didn’t want anybody to know which email belonged to you, you had created mysteriousperson13 and you didn’t really expect to get any messages. But two days after handing in your email, a message had appeared and since your curiosity was stronger than your dislike for the project you had clicked on it. That’s when you met youngscrappyandhungry. Even though you didn’t know who he was, you two had been messaging back and forth every day for the last weeks. At first you didn’t want to answer. But the message was actually kinda cute and so you gave it a shot. And he was perfect. You two got along so well and soon you felt like you could talk about anything. He was incredibly intelligent, witty and you looked forward to his messages every day.

But you never read them in school on your phone because one time Angelica had gotten really curious why your eyes were practically glued to your screen. She had tried to get a glimpse at your phone and in that moment you decided that this was just for you. You didn’t want to share this yet. So you always waited until you were alone in your room.

From: mysteriousperson13@gmail.com

To: youngscrappyandhungry@gmail.com

13th October 2018, 4:23 pm

Regard: Happy 13th!

First of all, happy 13th to you too! And second, I think you’re obsessed with coffee. Do you ever sleep?

But to answer your question, Halloween and I have a complicated relationship. I love the decoration and the music and the sweets but I’m scared very easily so I basically don’t leave the house on that day. Very childish, I know.

You clicked send and took a deep breath to calm yourself down. You always felt so excited when you were talking to him. And even though you were fine with the situation, the need that you wanted to know who you were talking to, had been growing the last days. When you first asked him who he was, he answered that he wanted to remain anonymous and that was okay for you. But now that you knew so much about each other, you couldn’t help but wonder who he was. The only clues you had was that he was a boy, going to the same school as you and he liked drinking coffee. But a lot of people drank coffee at school so that wouldn’t really help you. He also loved to write and you knew he had a way with words. He had told you that he had a few close friends and that there was someone at school he really didn’t like and got into fights with a lot. He also liked history and politics, so you could delimit the people that came into question, but that still left you with a group around 40 people. And you didn’t even knew half of them. But you were also scared to ask him to reveal himself again. And the more you thought about it, the stronger your fear became. What if he didn’t like you any more when he found out who you are? But you tried to keep those thoughts out of your head.

You sat down at your desk and started doing your homework. Or at least you tried. Your eyes constantly wandered off, glancing at the screen of you computer, impatiently waiting for his reply. You didn’t even know if he was home yet or when he would see your message. You knew that he didn’t have tons of extra courses but he liked to hang out at cafés to write. But he also had internet access there. You sighed, knowing that it was ridiculous to think like that. But then a soft ‘bing’ came from your computer and the homework was forgotten  You clicked on the new message.

From: youngscrappyandhungry@gmail.com

To: mysteriousperson13@gmail.com

13th October 2018, 4: 35 pm

Regard: Halloween party

I’m not obsessed with coffee!

Okay maybe a bit. Just slightly. I just like it. And it keeps me awake. Don’t judge.

And coming back to Halloween, does that mean you won’t be at the Halloween party the school is hosting? I know it’s not really good or anything and most people are only there because they have to but I was hoping you would be there. And maybe I could buy you a drink?

You were pretty sure your heart just skipped a beat at that. Did he really want to meet you? You hadn’t really processed the thought, when another ‘bing’ came and you hurried to click on the second message.

From: youngscrappyandhungry@gmail.com

To: mysteriousperson13@gmail.com

13th October 2018, 4: 36 pm

Regard: I’m sorry

Nevermind, that was weird I’m sorry. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t want to meet and if you don’t like Halloween or parties or anything, I should have asked first if you wanted to meet. I’m sorry.

You couldn’t help but chuckle. It was cute that he thought you might not want to meet him. You were pretty sure it was quite clear that you liked him. And he sounded so… nervous. Not that you weren’t nervous too, but as you thought about it now, you really wanted to meet him.

From: mysteriousperson13@gmail.com

To: youngscrappyandhungry@gmail.com

13th October 2018, 4:42 pm

Regard: I don’t like cherries

I’d like to meet you. Very much. So I’ll come to that stupid party but you have to make sure, I won’t die of a heart attack. And you can buy me a drink, but not the ones with the cherries, I tried them last year and they were horrible.

                                                                  ---

The next two weeks went by way too slowly for your liking. You felt nervous when you thought about meeting him, but you were also excited. You two kept texting back and forth but you could sense from the way he was writing that he was nervous too. You were scared he could cancel everything. But then it was suddenly October 31st and you two had agreed to meet in front of the history classroom. You had also exchanged phone numbers so you could contact each other more easily.

You hadn’t really put any effort in your costume and now, standing in front of the mirror, you regretted that. It was a simple witch costume that had been in your closet for a while. But since you never celebrated Halloween in that way, you didn’t own anything better and now it was too late to get another one. So you had to go with it.

When you arrived at the school it was already crowded. You were surprised by how many people actually attended the party. You made your way through the crowd and positioned yourself in front of the classroom and took out your cellphone. 8:51 pm. You had agreed to meet at 9.

Nervously you looked around, watching the people around you. Was he already here too? Did he already see you? Was he happy? Disappointed?

You clutched your phone in your hand and took a few deep breaths to calm your racing heart. The minutes passed and they felt like hours to you. 9:01 pm. Suddenly your phone vibrated. A new message!

Sorry to keep you waiting. But I’m afraid of your reaction when you find out who I am. Promise not to judge immediately?

You quickly typed an answer.

I’m scared too. So I promise not to judge if you don’t judge.

You looked around, trying to spot people who were on their phones. You noticed a guy from your English class whose name was Trevor. Was he the one you had been exchanging emails with? But then he looked up and put the phone in his back pocket, turning his attention to his friends. So it wasn’t him. You nervously started chewing on your bottom lip when your phone vibrated again.

Don’t be scared. I’m coming now. You look really pretty tonight btw.

You were sure your heart stopped at the last sentence. You look really pretty tonight btw. That meant he already knew who you were. And he thought you were pretty. So he wasn’t disappointed? He liked you? Everything would be fine?

You were so caught up in your thoughts that you hadn’t even noticed the person approaching you and you flinched when someone tapped on your shoulder.

You just stared at him for a few seconds, unable to say something. It was Alexander Hamilton. The Alexander Hamilton. A genius in school, pretty popular and very handsome as well. He was dressed in a black suit with a dark cape. A vampire costume. With his long hair in a ponytail he really looked like he just jumped out of the 18th century.

“Hi.”, he said, seeming a bit insecure by your reaction. “It’s me.”

Mentally you went through everything he had ever told you about him in his mails and suddenly it was perfectly clear. He loved history and politics and writing, he couldn’t live without coffee, the information you had about his friends and his fights with Thomas Jefferson, even though he had never mentioned any names. Suddenly you wondered how you could have been so blind.

“Hi.” you finally managed to get out. You smiled at him shyly.

His expression immediately changed, returning your smile.

“I’m glad we’re finally meeting. Are you… okay with it?”

You quickly nodded. “I’m just… surprised I guess.”

“But in a good way?” he asked, almost hopefully. You couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Yes in a good way.”

He visibly relaxed and smiled softly.

“Well then, I’m pretty sure I promised you a drink.” He offered you his arm and you took it, giggling.

“I remember that. And now you have to tell me why the hell you decided to take this project seriously and sent me that email.”

He blushed and you two stopped at the end of the line of the sales booth.

“You know… honestly I have to make a confession.”

You raised an eyebrow. “A confession?”

He nodded and cleared his throat before he answered.

“You know the school psychologist needed some help with the mail addresses and to match the students and I volunteered to do that and maybe… I kinda sabotaged it so I would get your email.”

And again you could only stare at him, not really knowing what to say.

“Please don’t be mad. I just really wanted to get to know you and I thought maybe...” he trailed off and left the sentence unfinished. But you weren’t mad. You just didn’t really understand.

“But… you do know that you could have just talked to me, right?”

He let out a nervous laugh and his cheeks turned pink.

“I know. But… I was to scared.”

“I’m scary?” you asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No! That’s not what I meant.” he quickly clarified, shaking his head. “Remember the history project two months ago? We worked together.”

You remembered. You had never really spoken to Alexander before, but that day you got teamed up for a small presentation. He had been really nice and you were really impressed by his knowledge.

“Yes of course.”

“I just… I really liked you, but when the project was over I didn’t know how to behave. You were always with your friends and I was just scared you would reject me if I asked you out.” he explained. You could see that it was hard for him to admit that.

He sighed. “I’m really sorry. You must think I’m really creepy.”

You laughed. “No, not really. Maybe a bit, but… I guess I’m okay with it. And you put a lot of effort into getting to know me. I appreciate that.”

He seemed relived and a small grin appeared on his face.

“I’m glad to hear that.”

When it was your turn to order the drinks, Alex got you a blueberry drink and a coffee for himself.

“You are really addicted to that stuff.” you said, hiding your smile behind your drink. But of course he noticed it.

“I’m not. I’ll admit that it’s maybe to the best drink when you’re nervous but it’s still delicious.”

You blushed at his confession. He was nervous? Who would have thought that Alexander Hamilton liked you.

“Can I ask you something?” he suddenly said and you turned your attention back to him, nodding.

“Would you go out with me? Like on a real date? A non-halloween-party date? Just… you know, talking. I promise I won’t order a coffee.” The words just stumbled out of his mouth and you could see how embarrassed he felt, but to you, it was the cutest thing.

“Of course. I’d really love to.”

[davewakeman]

11 Essentials To Marketing Success

I saw this great freebie from Alan Weiss this afternoon and it got me to thinking about some of the essentials you need for marketing and revenue success.

So here are my 11 essentials for marketing success:

1. Know your value proposition:

This is the foundation of your marketing.

What is the value you are offering? What makes you unique? Why should someone buy from you over someone else?

2. Understand your market: 

I’m pretty lucky, with a focus on revenue, my market defines itself in a lot of ways.

But for many people, it isn’t nearly as simple.

You may love to be in marketing, but if you are trying to sell marketing services to people that don’t value marketing or that are more reliant on a sales team over marketing…you are likely in trouble.

So you have to understand whether or not the market you want to serve fits the value you are trying to create.

3. Reach people where they are:

I’ve been working on a few marketing efforts lately and one of the lessons I’ve had to try and keep at the top of my mind is that I am not my market.

I may never listen to the radio, but that doesn’t mean other people don’t.

I read a physical newspaper every day, but does everyone else?

I can go on, but the key is to realize that you have to reach people where they are and in a way that cuts through…not just in a way that you think they should be reached.

Doing things differently is at the heart of Jon Spoelstra’s book, Marketing Outrageously.

You can also hear a lot about this idea by listening to my podcast with Karl Fitzpatrick.

4. Be Consistent:

This one should be obvious, but I think you really need to keep this concept in mind at all costs.

I’ve read several places the advice that if you are running a message, run it past the point where you are tired of hearing it because it probably isn’t even breaking through to your audience yet.

My message to you is that you need to start no marketing efforts that you aren’t willing to focus on delivering for a specific period of time. You know will have to develop your own metrics for success and your own focus on, but please be consistent in delivering your message and know how long and how often that looks like before you start.

5. Measure the right things:

Typically, this is money!

ROI!

I don’t like the things that are fluffy and don’t mean much like clicks, likes, and engagement.

Measure the things that are likely to lead to long term success.

You might look at the top of the funnel and do new email signups, or social media followers if you have a plan to turn them into something more.

You may look at the number of email subscribers that turn into merch buyers or ticket buyers or something else.

Just measure things that are meaningful, not just easy.

6. Call to action:

What do you want people to do when they engage with your site, content, or marketing?

Make it clear and ask people to do it.

You know how this works?

Here, I’m launching a new coaching program starting September 1st and to help launch that, I’m offering everyone the chance to book a 30-minute coaching call with me, FOR FREE!

All you have to do is reply to this email and give me 3 dates and times that work for you and we will schedule the call.

That’s a call to action!

Do it!

7. Add value at every touchpoint: 

This doesn’t have to big and earthshattering, but add value at each touchpoint.

You might be telling people about the start time of an event. You might tell people about a traffic issue or concern.

You could tell them about a new offering, a new idea, or a new location.

Whatever it is, offer something that could be valuable to people at each touchpoint.

8. Position yourself properly:

There is a book that I love called Positioning about positioning your brand.

The key is that your brand is a marque that should represent what you want the world to see you.

I like to offer the advice that you should think about the 3 words that you want people to associate with your brand and make sure that everything you do focuses on those 3 words or some representation of those 3 words.

The most important idea about positioning is that you need to make sure your brand is positioned in a way that is consistent with your value proposition and the way you want your market to see you.

9. Focus on emotion:

Marketing is about emotion.

Emotions get people to move, to act, and to change.

Logic, while important, doesn’t cut the mustard.

I’ll have more on this in a second.

10. Tell stories:

When I first starting giving keynotes and speaking regularly, I’d often talk about marketing as a form of storytelling.

The key idea was that stories are how we have shared our most important messages since the dawn of time.

And, the key to a great story is emotion.

Love! Anger! Fear!

All of them will make people take action.

So tell a story consistent with what you need someone to do.

11. Always be thinking, “What’s next?”:

Peter Drucker would talk about businesses having two jobs: marketing and innovation.

Innovation is often about asking the question: “what’s next?”

Why?

So that you can always be adding more value and creating new value for your market.

You don’t want to be caught flat-footed by changing tastes, changing ideas of value, or other forces of change.

While it isn’t specifically about marketing, asking “what’s next?” is about making sure that your message stays relevant and you can continue to offer value.

What do you think? Are you buying what I am selling this week?

Let me know by sending me a message?

BTW, I’m totally serious about the coaching offer. So send me an email. 

Please follow and like us:

11 Essentials To Marketing Success was originally published on Wakeman Consulting Group

[mtvswatches]

Jane the Virgin 1x18 Chapter Eighteen

Spoilers disclaimer (please read before sending messages or writing comments.)

Click here for previous recaps!

Stray thoughts

1) I like this Jane…

It’s basically eight-year-old me.

2) I don’t know how I feel about this message, though…

I get why you need to banish doubt in religion – if you don’t, you’ll question every little thing you believe in. Of course, I believe in questioning EVERYTHING, but that’s beside the point. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is a very powerful message to convey to a young kid – they may grow up believing that they should not doubt or question anything – not only religion, and to take everything at face value. That’s a detrimental indoctrination.

3) Just please let this be the episode where Jane and Rafael break up. I’m so fucking tired of their storylines following the same pattern in every single episode and having the same result – they’re all lovey-dovey, something comes up and Jane questions something about their relationship, they fight, they say I love you, and back to square one. ENOUGH ALREADY. This is seriously putting me off the show.

4) To be fair, Xiomara…

NARRATOR: In 1991, Rogelio's mom walked in on them in flagrante, so to speak. And she was so shocked, she tripped on a lamp cord. The lamp fell, electrocuting her cat, Gordito.

XIOMARA: She's always gonna hate me.

…I’d always hate you, too. Gordito didn’t deserve to go like this.

5) I have a feeling Jane won’t follow her own advice, yet again…

Ma, if you feel yourself getting worked up, just take nice, slow, deep breaths.

And Xiomara having a Monster-in-law? I know it’s a classic telenovela trope, but I’m not a fan of it. We’ll see how it works out here.

6) This shady bitch is going to tell Jane she should stick it out with Rafael, isn’t she?

7) “It’s probably hormones”????!!! She’s not even a creative shady bitch!

8) ooooh another asshole!!

I have a gut feeling this lady will be relevant to the story, will she be Rafael’s mom, maybe? There’s a reason she was mentioned in the previously-on…

9) Okay…

She could still be Rafael’s mother for all I know. We’ll see.

10) She may have a point…

RAFAEL: Aaron is not Roman.

PETRA: Look, he obviously lured his brother out here somehow, killed him, and now he's taking his place

I was wondering how Roman could be alive when he had been impaled… The question is, why? Why would he kill his brother, fake his own death, and then come back? Or did Rose have Aaron killed thinking he was Roman? Was he trying to sever his links with Sin Rostro? Where are Rose and Luisa, btw?

11) Jane is really going to pass up spending Easter with her family in order to pretend to be someone she’s not and make some fake rich people like her so that Rafael can do some business? And I ask yet again, why is she still with him?! This is getting beyond frustrating, you have no idea how much this whole Rafael/Jane gets to me – I find it hard to enjoy the show because of them. I almost want to spot watching, it’s so fucking annoying.

12) Petra really enjoys getting into jams, doesn’t she?

13) Okay, Jane finally found out she’s been singlewhitefemaled. I wonder how she’ll confront Andie.

14) Okay, I guess I was wrong after all, Rafael sent her mom an email. I guess the snotty bitch was just a snotty bitch and nothing more.

15) This was a plot twist I wasn’t expecting…

Do I think he’ll leave the priesthood to be with Alba? I certainly hope so!

16) Oh.

LILLY: Look, I can forgive the cat. Even though the stench of Gordito's scorched fur will forever haunt me. But I cannot forgive the fact that you never told my son that you were pregnant.

NARRATOR: Wait. But she did.

XIOMARA: Excuse me?

LILLY: And as a result, you deprived me of my granddaughter. And Rogelio didn't get to raise his child.

So the reason Rogelio’s mother hates Xiomara is that he lied to her. Rogelio, shame on you, you should know better.

17) It’s actually quite decent of Michael to believe Petra and help her out.

18) Of course, Jane did her homework before meeting these Rich White Ladies.

But I really don’t like how she’s forced to act like someone she’s not to save Rafael’s ass. And let’s not forget it’s probably the first time she hasn’t spent Easter with her family…

19) You’re a good man, Rogelio. You did the right thing. He just couldn’t stand and see how Xiomara had to take Lilly’s jabs in silence because of his lie. And he may not have said “I love you” yet, but I think he’s just proven he does.

20) I wasn’t expecting a sweet moment between these two, but they got me…

MRS FALCO: I suppose I seem pathetic to you.

JANE: No, you don't. And you should know, I grew up without a father. And the one thing I remember about my birthdays is, my mom was there. And that's what your daughter will remember, too.

MRS FALCO: Thank you. And  I owe you an apology for lashing out at you the other day. I was having well a moment.

NARRATOR: And for the first time, Jane realized that Mrs. Falco wasn't the worst person in the world. She was just a person

It’s a really nice message, one I often try to keep in mind when I interact with people I don’t know or just met. You just never know what type of day – or life – they’re having, so you should be careful how you treat or judge others.

21) Lilly is kind of well-intentioned, and she makes a good point of how Rogelio and Xiomara have similar flaws and that they may be rushing into things without having a clear plan of what they want. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that their relationship is doomed. They just might need to work a bit harder at it.

22) UGH I’m rolling my eyes so hard right now. We finally got to the fight portion of the Jane/Rafael storyline of every single episode. Rafael keeps saying he wants to be a family man but he keeps acting otherwise. Jane keeps telling him this is not what she wants, but she stays. And I’M BOOOOOOORED.

23) Priceless.

24) WHAT!

Naughty priest!

25) No, Xiomara!!!!

26) No, Alba!!

See what I mean? What type of message is this? And now Xiomara is giving her the same advice!

She’s not doubting, she’s seeing things as they are and questioning the decisions she’s making.

27) Fuck, she’s listening to this dumbass advice about banishing doubts? Oh my god, how long will they stretch it out? Till the season finale? I don’t know if I’ll make it…

28) So here’s Rafael’s mom…

The reveal was kind of underwhelming, tbh.

29) And she’s a piece of shit. I’m sorry but I will never forgive parents who leave their children. Especially not if she basically sold him to his father. I hope she’s not part of the show.

30) Aww, Rogelio finally said it!

31) OMG

Who cares if your eggs are too old? We'll buy fresh ones. Combine my DNA with anyone, and the child will be extraordinary.

32) Ugh, Xiomara is going to keep the kiss a secret. WHYYYYYYY. It’s such an unnecessary plot device, I hate it.

33) IT IS FUCKING ROMAN.

34) aND RAFAEL BREAKS UP WITH JANE?????!!!! SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO BROP HIS FUCKING ASS!!! UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH I’M FUCKING DONE WITH THIS SHOW.

35) See? If she’d listened to me from the day one, she wouldn’t be crying in the hallway…

36) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

[iphisquandary]

Hi Iphis, I hope you're doing well. I'm wondering if you have any advice or warnings or anything about working at a tutoring center? I'm about to graduate with some informal teaching experience & am on the market for education/tutoring/etc jobs. I've seen you post a lot about yours - not sure if you still work there - and would appreciate it tons if you're able to reply!

Yeah, sure! I have a lot of advice I can give about that. I worked at a tutoring center for three years and had a lot of ups and downs from the experience. This is way too long btw because I am a long-winded person by nature.

Positives

1) You don’t have to find your own clients, which CAN lead to more job security

One of the tricky things about being freelance is you have to find all your clients yourself and make a name for yourself and slowly build a client base and positive reputation.The company will do this legwork for you. Emphasis on CAN because at least in the case of the company I worked for, how many hours you get is based on how much students request you, which meant that tutors start out with low hours and gradually build a client base if they’re good at what you do–it’s just easier than doing it on your own

2) It’s a good way to figure out if teaching is right for you

Tutoring one-on-one is less high stakes and overwhelming than throwing yourself in to teaching an entire class at say a private school that doesn’t require a credential. it’s a good way to get a feel for what age group you like best and whether you enjoy teaching or working with kids

3) it’s a good way to get experience

Tutoring gives you opportunities to try your hand at lesson planning and building your skills and it’s something impressive to put on your resume if you want to get into education. During my time at my tutoring job, I mastered teaching grammar, college essays, and school essays. I developed some of my own material and became an expert in teaching certain skills and concepts

4) It’s super flexible

If the company is anything like mine, you pretty much get to choose when you work and how often. Vacation days are easy to snag, as long as you give them notice. Hours can be inconsistent when you’re new, but it’s flexible.

5) The students are amazing

Most of these students are driven to learn–they’re willing to put in extra hours of cram time to get higher grades or test scores or get into a better college. Every once in awhile you’ll meet a dissatisfied kid whose parent is forcing them to be there but mostly, these are kids with parents who are OVERLY invested in their education and that impacts the student. These are bright kids with a lot to offer.

Negatives

1) They’ll probably underpay you

Even though the job likely pays more than a lot of other jobs available to you, considering the specialized work you are doing and the going rate for tutoring, they’ll probably underpay you. Since it was one of my first jobs that paid that much, I thought that was a sweet deal. Now that I have more experience, I know tutors deserve a lot more than these companies pay. It’s especially glaring  because they tend to charge parents about three times more than what they are paying you and tend to have you tutor three students at once. You do the math. Also, I got less than a dollar’s raise during my entire three years there 

2) They will probably undervalue you

The company sees you as a replaceable cog in a machine, even though, if you have experience and have been there a long while, whoever they hire will need to be trained again and won’t know the material or students the way you do. Despite the fact you may be the only reason certain students keep coming back. Despite the fact you might bring something special to the company (I made material for the company, for example). They will never let you know how much you are worth. Because it is a profit-driven, soulless, money-making apparatus 

3) They WILL exploit you

They will drain every extra second of labor from you–even when it hurts the quality of your work. The 3:1 model most of these companies use, which essentially is you tutoring three students one on one  switching between them with completely different material, juggling an impossible level of tasks, reduces the efficacy of your teaching. It took me probably two years to fully master being able to teach well in that model. This means you will likely feel frustrated at your quality of work. Also, they may pressure you into working unpaid hours. My company did that to me for years. They pressured us through various tactics, such as only paying us for the set hours our classes were scheduled and not prep time, only paying a set, puny amount of time for prep, penalizing for going over time, giving you material to read at home unpaid, etc. 

4) Consistent hours are not guaranteed

At tutoring centers, hours correlate with demand–the demand of students for you or your subject specifically, the demand of the company for more labor, and the demand of local students and parents for tutoring in general. Hours can fluctuate by season. Usually at the beginnings and endings of semester, my hours dwindled. At my tutoring center, we got more hours during school vacations, since helicopter parents sent their kids during free time for tutoring. But I had periods of time, especially during my first year or two, where I went without much pay because my hours were reduced during dry periods.

5) There is a questionable moral component to what you are doing

Some of these kids are being pushed to the brink by insanely demanding parents who send their kids in during vacation, when they are sick, when they are burnt out, etc. Sometimes these parents even abuse their kids, but you can’t really do much unless you decide to report it. You may have to teach students with disabilities you are not qualified to work with. You may notice weaknesses and errors in the material at the company. You will also likely not be adequately trained. The 3:1 ratio, lack of training, and your lack of experience means the quality of your work will suffer at times. These companies also use deceptive practices to hook in families and get them to sign exorbitant contracts.Considering all that, there may times you wonder if your students benefit from what you are doing, particularly if they’re doing test prep.

BUT if you are good at and passionate about teaching, you can help students learn and grow despite all that. Ignore the bottom line your boss gives you and the pressures of parents as much as possible. Focus on having fun with students and having them walk away knowing something new they might use. In that way, I think I did more good than harm. Because while the company will do all it can to make you forget this, the tutors are its ONLY valuable resource. Despite the lack of training, experience, and insurmountable tasks we were given, practically every tutor I met cared about their students and did good work. The company model and culture around test prep and cram school is what hurts the kids. Just be aware that while it can be a blast working with students, and  it’s what literally pulled me out of my depression and the reason I am in this teaching program now, the company you work for is evil. For-profit education is a sham. Tutoring the students = awesome. The company = shit.

My biggest pieces of advice

1) Don’t work too long at one of these companies if you can help it - I probably should have left after two years - they do not recognize longevity, seniority or experience and while you can gain really useful experience, it has diminishing returns after a point. pay attention to when you stagnate

2) Don’t get too invested - do your best, but within reason - you can give and give and the company and students will take and take - I worked free hours with students online during crunch time for their college essays, I devoted extra hours to lesson planning, i’d take calls and emails from my boss at all hours, etc - people just keep taking. set boundaries when you can. 

3) Try to make it a side-gig, if possible - with its flexible hours, i actually think this type of job is perfect as a part time gig while you’re in school or on the side with another job - that will prevent you from getting too invested or too exploited or stressed or burnt out or over-relying on the position when hours dwindle

4) Don’t talk to the parents- if your company is anything like mine, the admin side does all the communication with parents and this is one god-send about these companies, you don’t have to deal with these crazy ppl. limit yourself to a quick hello/small talk and even then BE CAREFUL they may try to harangue you

5) Have fun and be you - make the lessons fun for YOU and the student, teach your style - as long as you’re good at what you do and the students like you, they’ll keep coming back. the admin people don’t know shit about education and they will try to tell you how to do your job, but once you hit your stride, be confident and know that you’re the teacher

6) REMEMBER YOUR VALUE - know that this job has a steep learning curve and any initial difficulties you face are not your fault. especially as time goes on, you will be good at what you do despite what anyone says. You are always worth more than how people treat you in that job. Always. 

TL;DR the students are great; at one time they were literally my only reason for being alive, and if you’re new to education you can learn A LOT, and the job is way flexible, but the companies are evil and soul-sucking, so do your best to protect yourself and get what YOU can out of the job enrichment-wise. leave when it’s no longer beneficial to you. 

Sorry that was so long! I hope that was helpful!

[kashimos-hajime]

Pachelbel’s Canon in Disaster

Request: firstly I just want to say that your writing is insanely good & I love reading your stuff. secondly i wanted to know if I could send in a Kavinsky request if that's ok? you invite peter to a family function to meet your extended family & he's nervous because he's afraid that they wont like him because they kinda have a thing about dating within your race (I'm coloured/black btw) its always something i worry about sadly but if you don't feel comfortable writing this that's fine

A/N: That sucks that you have to deal with that anon. I hope your family opens up soon and you can love who you want to love. Unfortunately, I didn’t write it as a black reader because I am not black and I don’t want to offend anyone by using stereotypes. Therefore, I used people of my own race (Chinese) and went from there. Hopefully, it’s okay! I mostly wrote fluff for this because I don’t think I can bring myself to write such hate right now. Sorry for such a long wait.

As the usual, thank you to @teawithbucky for being the OG.

Masterlist and Taglist are in my bio!

Summary: When you’re invited to your cousin’s traditional Chinese wedding, your boyfriend’s feelings about meeting more of your family resurface and while you don’t want him uncomfortable, you do want him to go. So, it’s up to you to convince him.

Characters: Peter Kavinsky, Chinese!Reader

Wordcount: 1.8k

Rating: K+ (soft, sweet fluff)

You knead the back of your neck with your fingers as you wait for the water to boil. It’s nearly there and you just want to make some noodles. There’s a soft rhythmatic pad of footsteps and you turn around to see Peter coming down the stairs with the messiest bedhead you’ve ever seen. Your other housemates are either asleep or out so you have to house to yourselves as long as you’re quiet.

“Morning,” he calls sleepily, collapsing on the couch in the living room. “You’re home?”

“Because it’s noon,” you reply as you start seeing the bubbles you’ve been waiting for. Taking out a frozen slab of udon, you slip it into the water and cover the pot. “You want some lunch?”

“Yes, please,” he says, voice scraping hoarsely. You smile at him, shaking your head as he gets up and makes his way into the kitchen, sitting on one of the tall stools at the counter. Heading around to him, you press a kiss to the side of his head before pecking his lips. His arms wrap around you, pressing his face into your stomach. “Squishy,” he mumbles into your middle and you laugh, threading your fingers through his hair.

You and Peter have been dating since he saw you at the movie theatre. You two hit it off since he saw you at the release of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 at your local cinema and had argued profusely over who was your favorite (yours being Yondu, his being Gamora, which then led to an argument if Yondu even counted as a Guardian, which led to you winning and him asking you out and you saying if he ever had the luck to see you again). Over a few chance encounters, you found yourself becoming close friends and then falling head over heels in love, leading to you taking the initiative and asking him out.

The two of you now live in a house along with three others that go to a university with Peter. You yourself is an aspiring actor and have just landed a role in a TV show that’s meant to be a mid-season replacement. Hopefully it hits off.

“You don’t have work today?”

“I already finished my scenes,” you say. “I woke up at midnight, drove over, finished at ten this morning.” He raises his head, chin against your stomach and you grin hopelessly at his wide brown eyes and tangled brown hair that falls into his eyes.

“You didn’t wake me up?”

“You were binge-watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine again,” you say with a sigh. Brushing hair away from his forehead, you bend over and kiss his forehead. He smiles as you pull away and go to the pot to make sure it doesn’t burn. You take the chopsticks that are resting atop the bowl and stir around the noodles, separating them. As you do so, your phone rings and you glance over your shoulder to look at the ID. When you see it’s your mom, you look to Peter.

“Can you answer that? It’s my mom.” He takes the phone, swiping to accept the call.

“Hey, Mrs. (Y/L/N).” You turn back to your pot as Peter makes conversation with your mom. You know they get along fairly well since introducing them a few months ago and you like how they interact so you just continue cooking. Covering the pot again, you go to the freezer and pull out some dumplings you had bought before coming home this morning. Peter has a smile on his face as he talks and you use your chopsticks to transfer the noodles to a bowl and pour the pepper and green onion dressing you had prepared earlier, tossing it so it coats the noodles evenly before sticking the chopsticks into the bowl and placing it on the counter across Peter.

You slide the bowl over to him and he stops it with a hand before removing the phone from his ear.

“Your mom wants to talk to you,” he said, taking the bowl and starting to slurp on his noodles. Rolling your eyes playfully, you turn off the stove and go to sit beside Peter. The dumplings can wait.

“Hey, Mom,” you start in Chinese. “What’s going on?” Peter spares you a glance when you start speaking your native language, smiling and kissing your cheek. Turning your head, you ask silently for another on your lips and he obliges quickly before returning back to his noodles.

“Did you check your mail lately?”

“Yeah? Why, is there something important in there?” you ask, trying to think back to the contents you had quickly scanned before setting it on the small cabinet near the stairs. There were bills, ads, and magazines, nothing more but-

Oh, wait.

“Oh, the wedding invite! Yes, I got it, plus he emailed me yesterday to make sure.” Getting up, you go said cabinet and take out the white envelope with the card within. Bringing it back to the kitchen, you open it and slide out the card.

“Can you make it or do you have filming on that day?” Checking the calendar hanging on the wall with a quick look, you shake your head before remembering your mom couldn’t see you.

“No, it should be fine. Unless I’m pulled for reshoots, I should be done by March so I can make it,” you say and you hear your mom giggle on the other end.

“I can’t wait to see your cousin in a suit,” she says nefariously and you sigh, eyes resting on Peter who’s sipping on his soup. “You should bring Peter along, have him meet the family.”

“Oh, yeah, of course. Bye, Mom.” Hanging up, you set your phone down and read over the invitation. Seeing as it’s January, you highly doubt the director would pull you in for reshoots when the weather is completely gone in March. The series is nearly in post production and you sigh, leaning forward on your elbows.

“What?” Peter asks, setting his now empty bowl in the sink. You sigh, coming around to stand by him near the sink as he begins to fill the bowl up with water so nothing will stain. He turns to you and you loop your arms around his neck, pulling him down. Kissing him multiple times, you just savour in his presence. There hasn’t been enough time between you lately and as the snow outside layered on the sill of the window, you just brush noses with him.

“I have to go to a wedding,” you mumble, lost in his scent, as his hands settle on your hips. He’s always had this effect on you. “My mom said I should bring you as my plus one.” He frowns and your eyes scan his face, not exactly confused. He’s always shied away from meeting your family, with your differences. In fact, he had made you make sure he learned everything he could about what was proper and what wasn’t, teach him how to make chopsticks, and even when he became a regular guest, Peter always helped with the dishes and tried to be almost overly helpful.

Now, his worry had faded away after a long stalemate in the war between you and your parents. They had hated that you brought some guy who seemed lazy, sleazy, and white, and you hated that they never saw past that. The only reason you are now on speaking terms is the fact that Peter proved them wrong and they let go of their prejudices. Still, clearly the confrontation lingers in Peter’s mind as much as it does in yours from time to time. You hate to see it resurface as a much bigger beast at the thought of meeting your extended family when the two of you had thought that part of the war was over.

“And?”

“Well, do you want to come?” you ask nervously. “You don’t have to but it’ll be nicer if you’re there.” You search his face, reading every inch of his hesitation.

“I’ll think about it.” You cup his face, brushing your thumb over his cheek and smile.

“Okay.” Pulling away, you sigh and he leans down to press his lips into your hair. Your hands trail down his neck and onto his arms, holding him there until you are ready to leave.

.

The topic becomes a dreaded subject. Every time one of you sees the calender with the red circle around the date of the wedding, either you or Peter leave the room. You hate how your relationship changed but you can’t help it. Especially because it’s a traditional chinese marriage, you know it just amps up the pressure on Peter to accept. If he says no, it may seem like he’s disrespecting your culture because he doesn’t think it’s worth his time. If he says yes, he may think or say or do something he thinks is wrong and therefore not have any fun at all.

When there are two weeks before the wedding, you and him are hanging out in your shared bed. You’re resting at the head of the bed, back against the headboard as you work on your newest resumé while he’s sprawled across the end of the bed on his back, scrolling through his phone and reading the textbook he downloaded onto his phone.

You sneak glances up at him, trying to approach the subject carefully. You don’t know how to say it, nor how to broach the subject but you want him to come. You want to show off your boyfriend like everyone else in your family does, and you want him to meet people you’ve grown up with all your life.

“So… it’s two weeks away,” he finally says, letting his phone and his hands drop to his sides. “I still don’t know whether or not I want to come. I’ve thought about it,” he adds, propping himself up on an elbow and turning to you. “Believe me, I have.”

“I know.” You close your laptop and set it aside as he crawls up between your legs and rests his head on your tummy. Threading your fingers through his hair, you sigh. “You’ve been using that brain more often than usual,” you tease, leaning over and pecking his forehead. He glares and scrunches up his face at you but you merely sigh, remembering the situation.

“I want to go, (Y/N). You know I do. I just can’t-”

“I can teach you. Everything I know about traditional weddings; everything from clothes to food to manners. We can start and if you feel ready by the date of the wedding, we can go together, okay?” A hopeful smile crosses his face and he sits up.

“Really?”

“Yeah. What do you think?” Leaning over, he kisses you hard against the lips and you laugh into it as the two of you roll over in bed. He gently moves your laptop to the nightstand as you land on top of him.

“I think it’s a fantastic plan.” Beaming, you lean down and your noses brush.

.

Two weeks later, Peter stands beside you at the wedding reception, your hand in his.

Your smiles can not be brighter.

TAGS: @teawithbucky @shadowsndaisies @itzyagirlrae

[personagf-moved]

alphabet & soft questions ✨

I was tagged by my bb’s @prksjmiin (alphabet ask) and @joonieblossoms (soft ask) and i didn’t want to make two separate posts so im gonna apologize in advance bc i decided to stick both posts together :’) dkdkkdkd yall aint gotta read everything but if u do ily and im sorry i write novels on novels dlfksdkf

i’ll tag @koyasdad, @1ovegf, @joonlit, @sleepyyyoongs, @constellationstars and @capgi 💘

honestly feel free to do either one or both or none if u want dkkdkdkd i just wanted to tag u guys bc ily

Alphabet ask:

a // age: 21

b // birthplace: new jersey!

c // current time: 1:17 am

d // drink you had last: coffee

e // easiest person to talk to: my brother when he isnt being an absolute fool

f // favorite songs: 

aint it fun - paramore

trivia love 

honey - kehlani

abbey - mitski

moonlight - ariana grande

g // grossest memory: i was in the city one time and a bird shit on my forehead. i think about it at least twice a week 

h // horror yes or horror no:  H O R R O R   Y E S   B A B E E E Y Y Y Y Y Y Y im the absolute worst person i’ll dead ass watch a scary movie/video or read horror stories by myself just bc. 

i // in love: with my whole ass soulmate namjoon. i luv u string bean man

j // jealous of people: im not even gonna try to lie i am a very jealous person and i am so sorry about it but i really cant help it lmfao. blame my scorpio venus i guess

k // kids of your own someday: when i say i have been thinking about this everyday.........! i wanna have it all i want the kids the white picket fence the dream house everything. i cant wait to be a mommy one day and love n support my bb’s :’)

l // love at first sight or should i walk by again: we a whole ass fool on main and believe in love at first sight!!!! i really do believe soulmates are a true thing and if a love is destined to be across an infinite span of lifetimes and universes then it will always find its way back. when you know, you know, and i genuinely believe that. 

m // middle name: padilla

n // number of siblings: 1 older brother, 1 half brother (older), and 1 half sister (older)

o // one wish: to find true love

p // person you last called: my manager bc i had a work question lol

q // question you’re always asked: “why are you like this” (usually friends @ me when i wild out...which is like everyday), “are you mad?”, “how old are you REALLY?”, “how’s your brother?” (bc he ghosts all family n i have to speak on his behalf like always fsdfjksdf)

r // random fact about you: i once used a horrible bootleg copy of the force awakens to make a star wars crack video dubbing the part in shrek when he first meets donkey over the scene when rey first met bb-8 and it went viral and has like 200,000 notes and even had articles written about it. also i had a weird fascination with jar jar binks and danny devito when i was in high school and i had a habit of making either one of them my icon on school accounts so i could make people laugh when they emailed me or saw me in a word document skfkkkfkf

s // song you last sang: “abbey” by mitski :’(

t // time you woke up: exactly 10 this morning and it was weird bc i picked up my phone and it had JUST turned 10 when i looked i was so shook lol 

u // underwear colour: she be black 

v // vacation destination: paris bc im a basic bitch :’) also japan/all asian countries. i wanna connect with my roots more :/

w // worst habit: yeeting the fuck outta people’s lives when i think they’re getting too close/when i get overwhelmed. im sorry im a flighty bitch @ anyone i’ve ever ghosted :( i love anyone who’s ever tried to talk to me and its never ur fault, i just get the urge to escape sometimes and i’m trying to fix it 

x // x-rays: omg @ tori dead ass me too tho, i had x-rays when i broke my arm when i was around 6 :o

y // your favorite food: my mom’s spaghetti! and sushi. also i love any and all filipino food but specifically i like nilaga and kare-kare oooo baby

z // zodiac sign: we’re a proud libra sun 

Soft ask:

What’s the smell of your shampoo?

we got them fruity scents up in here we keep that shit smellin like a goddamn strawberry field take a fuckin whiff babes

What’s your aesthetic?

the moon and stars, soft pink and purple sunsets with a burning red on the horizon, sunrises as well, paintings and generally all art revolving around flowers and the celestial, pretty pastel pink and yellow, the sound and smell of rain falling against the window while being curled up in bed uwu 

What’s your favorite time of the day and why?

lately it’s been night time. i generally get more creative and feel more at home during the night. i miss being a morning person tho. 

What do you most like about the beach?

not a lot fklsjdjfkslkdflksdlkf i usually only go to get a tan and walk the boardwalk with my friends, but if i had it my way i would never step foot in the ocean for the rest of my life sdjdjdjdjsj we dont trust her!!!!!!!!!

What do you worry about constantly?

when i’m gonna figure out what i wanna do with my life lol. i took a year off to think about it but all i ended up doing was working myself to exhaustion and getting comfy in a work only mindset and now i’m only even more confused about what i want to pursue. i’m just glad im going to chicago next week because i feel like a change of setting for even just a week could give me a much needed reset on my mindset going into the next year. i worry about the future but the problem is i worry about the present too lol. oh well, we’ll figure it out!

What is a song you’ve cried to before?

oh boy...

trivia love

moonchild

first love

she used to be mine - waitress soundtrack

20 something - sza

26 - paramore

the letter - kehlani

landslide - fleetwood mac

when you see my friends - mayday parade

and many........many many more...... skskskks music is my main emotional outlet so naturally im gonna cry over anything that reflects my heart

What are some relaxing tips for your followers?

as The World’s Number One Most Stressed Out Human Being™️ i am definitely in no way fit to give advice on how to relax LMFAO 

but i guess something that always works for me is putting on music i KNOW will make me sing a long or make me happy to distract me from the nerves i’m feeling. also putting on my favorite comfort movies to make me feel better (they’re big fish, scott pilgrim vs the world, and spirited away btw lol)

 What are some things that make you tear up?

the ending of coco, seeing my mom cry, or anyone i love cry tbh, when children are neglected/abused, thinking about the world i’ll have to bring my future children into and how i’m going to be able to teach them to stay strong and bright in the face of it, lyrics that hit too close to home, absolutely anything tbh i cry easy

What is your favorite from each sense?

sight - the view of my cherry blossom tree against a pink sunset in the spring of my childhood home, a person’s eyes and how they light up when they smile, especially when they crinkle as they laugh

smell - the earth after rain, a forest in autumn

taste - my mom’s cooking, good coffee on an early morning

sound - beautiful melodies and harmonies to accompany them, a baby cooing, birds chirping at sunrise

touch - my pillow when its nice and cool, a cat’s tummy, a baby’s cheeks, fingers running through my hair

What is an alternative reality you’d like to live in?

one where im married to namjoon n we have a lot of smart musical prodigy babies who have his dopey smile and i live comfortably in our big ass home in korea where i raise our babies n get that good pipe down every night like i should

jk i wanna live in a reality where magic is real and i can cast spells and live my best life as the true witch that i am

What are some troubles you face on a daily basis?

for starters im ugly as shit so theres one

if we mean practically then i have really bad knees and i recently busted them again so its been really hard getting up and down stairs lately and bending over 

but idk theres not really much. emotionally i just tend to get withdrawn and timid in public so it can be hard for me to speak up when i go out

What is one scene from a book that makes you really sad?

unfortunately i haven’t read as many books lately as i did when i was younger...so a lot of my memories are from books that i read like as a kid lol......THAT BEING SAID i think rue and finnick’s death in the hunger games was truly heartbreaking to read, the spine of my copies of both books have cracks on those pages bc i had to read it several times just to really believe it. also i thought it was written so heart wrenchingly well that i had to go back.  also in looking for alaska when pudge, a man who loved to know people’s last words, realized that he would never know alaska’s last words. im also really thankful for that book bc it introduced me to wh auden’s poetry and to this day he’s still one of my favorite poets of all time.  

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thank you thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU for following me and for some reason deciding to stay after how many times i act up on the daily. all jokes aside i really appreciate every single one of you no matter the number and i sincerely hope that you always have love and joy in your heart and that 2019 treats you well. i HONESTLY mean it when i say that i am always here if you guys want to talk or send me things or roast me or talk shit seriously i wanna hear it all and talk about it all i think all of you are so interesting and so beautiful and i’d love to get to know more about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS! yeet!