#people have wanted me dysregulated for as long as I can remember

[vizthedatum]

The thing is… I don’t want to suffer in silence just because someone can’t handle it.

I’d rather suffer alone. Or with people who actually care about me and not punish me for suffering.

Suffering is inevitable… so why should mine be deemed “too much?”

[gay-disabled-characters-showdown]

LGBTQ+ Disabled Characters Showdown Round 4, Wave 1, Poll 7

A character being totally canon LGBTQ+ and disabled was not required to be in this competition. Please check qualifications and propaganda before asking why a character is included.

Check out the other polls in this wave and round here.

Wei Wuxian-The Untamed / Mo Dao Zu Shi

Qualifications:

Goes through a somewhat unethical organ transplant (in that the person he is giving the organ to doesn't realize that's what's going on) where he gives up his "golden core." This is like his center of power and by giving it up, not only is he not able to do most of the more "magic" things he could do before, but he's also noticeably physically weaker and gets injured much more easily (and takes longer to recover) as well as faints more often (iirc he only faints once pre-golden core removal and that was after sustaining major injuries and going on for a significant time without any healing while also fighting and traveling). Like he finds ways around it and invents new methods so that he can still do some things that he did before, just via a very different method. In the show we don't really see any characters who aren't cultivators, or at least part of that world, so Wei Wuxian is like the only character we really get to see without a golden core.

Also gotta say that this boy is severely depressed. Like "I'm-going-to-ask-my-doctor-friend-to-perform-a-mutliple-day-long-surgery-on-myself-in-which-I-will-be-awake-where-she'll-rip-out-the-core-of-my-being-and-transplant-it-into-my-adopted-brother-who-I'll-make-sure-never-finds-out-what-happened-even-though-he'll-come-to-hate-me" depressed. he has no value for his own life other than what he can give to others, even if it's his own body. like I think some fans unfairly classify him as being insane when he's really just depressed as all hell and having the worst possible things happen to him one after another and every time he breaks down it causes more trouble and usually people end up dying because of him.

Mod note: I find it a bit funny that the qualifications are so long and don’t once mention how he qualifies as LGBTQ+

Propaganda:

https://youtu.be/swbXAVADjxY ^ok this clip kinda explains the whole thing better (and obvs spoilers)

https://youtu.be/2wO5nsnkSBk ^and this video is just for fun but it's a little thing about Wei Wuxian & Jiang Cheng because their relationship makes me unwell

Additional Qualifications/Propaganda by @transparent-internet-maker

Kinda surprised ADHD!Wei Wuxian isn't included I thought that was a popular hc. There are several signs: He seems to forget a lot of things, but at the same time he clearly remembers other things that happened a long time ago. He invented a. lot. of things. His mind is almost never where he physically is and he's really smart in that thinks-way-too-much-out-of-the-box-in-a-short-time way. (1/2)

Then there is the fact that he's actually knowledgable, more than most of the others at times, but we see him doing whatever else he wants to instead of studying more often than not. The inventions point and this put together hint at him not being focused and having hyperfixations. And the general view of not studious but still smarter than everyone else just clear adhd I think. NOT trying to hate anyone, I thought I'd just mention this since I've seen a lot of adhd wwx.

Yoite-Nabari no Ou

Qualifications:

Heavily heavily coded relationship with another boy, canonically intersex and can be read as trans. (implied to be cafab) Suffers from flashbacks, emotional dysregulation, depersonalization due to abuse and neglect. Also terminally ill and progressively loses his sight/taste/hearing and has more trouble getting around and staying awake. Super autism coded, for that matter. To me. And many of the fans actually.

Propaganda:

A very sad boy, in a story about very sad boys fighting for self determination and learning the importance of community. He's a shinobi and can kill people by manipulating their lifeforce from the inside, but he also likes sweets and baseball and mathematics and he communicates like a shy, neglected cat. He's also named after someone's cat. Extremely good character written by an aroace and x-gender author

Anything Else?:

He is the bestest boy ever and should win this tournament by a landslide if the series were more well known

[harukapologist]

rambling about Haruka

As an ND person I just hate how Haruka's character is either completely infantilized or reduced to a selfish, evil murderer, when, to me, he is so much more than that.

Especially the latter; I hate when any MILGRAM character is called evil because what's the point of MILGRAM, then? They're all morally grey! That's how they test us. But Haruka in particular because I feel like it comes from a place of ableism, intentional or not.

I'm not sure if I should put TWs, but well I talk about ableism, murder (obviously lol), childhood trauma and well... it's Haruka

Haruka's outburst in the VD and his implication of killing animals (I know it's basically canon but erm... i can explain why I think it's an implication later) (i just finished writing the post and actually i explained why at the bottom of the post but its not a full explanation so lol) are the reasons I see people calling him either evil or childlike, and while I do think that Haruka is stuck in a childlike state in some aspects, this is emotional dysregulation of an ND and/or traumatized person, to me.

The uglier sides of being ND/traumatized, the ones that get heavily stigmatized and seen as intentional or evil; I think this was a display of one of them. And I really wish to see more people focusing on Haruka's disability in the ways it can affect his communication and day-to-day life skills more than "oh, poor baby, he has a disability that makes him feel unwanted" without actually understanding the details of the disability and, well, the reason why it is a disability.

Like, the emotional dysregulation that comes with being autistic, which is my headcanon for him. The hyperempathy and literal thinking that might make him harder to communicate with, and get people frustrated with him more often.

That and being severely neglected; I think neglect is one of the lesser discussed forms of childhood trauma and the fact that Haruka was shown to be neglected as well as abuse really means a lot to me, because I think some people don't quite understand just how much neglect and isolation fucks you up.

All those factors combined are a recipe for an unstable, impulsive, clingy shell of a human, and him getting called evil for that really saddens me. It's important to remember that these MVs are extracted from the prisoners' own memories and thoughts. It comes from their perception of their surroundings, their murders, and their own selves. The manic look that Haruka has on his face for a lot of AKAA, for example. The makeshift shirt he's wearing, as if he's desperately trying to sew himself together into a normal person, the exhausted, frustrated look when he picks up the necklace, it's important to remember that this is how he sees himself. A monster who has lost control of himself. The line "I'll keep killing to be your good boy" was a shock, but the way he meekly apologized to Es at the end of his VD, I really think that shows that he feels guilty, that he wants to convince himself more than anyone that he was a good person, that he was really trying to be one despite how his unlucky life frustrated him to his breaking point.

As for his infantilization, it has already been addressed by many thoughtful members of the fandom and I'm grateful to see that, but I also want to say it myself since god knows I hate being patronized.

It feels very ableist saying he's just "someone stuck in a childlike mindset/age regressor" Yes, and how does age regression as a coping mechanism develop? Usually through prior trauma that makes you "stuck" at said age, and that can present differently. It can be longing and yearning for a simpler time, for an actual happy childhood, or having flashbacks to a traumatic event that happened at a certain age; it is not uncommon for trauma survivors to be "frozen" at the age their trauma took place.

I think both of these are the case for Haruka. Frozen at that moment, but trying to reduce himself to nothing but a little, unaware child to avoid reliving it again, relishing in the innocence and purity of his good younger times (emphasis on purity--Haruka's murder was by strangulation, yet there's a shot in AKAA where he's covered in blood. I know it's after he killed the animals, but he's in the stitched-together outfit here; I think there's more to this MV than just killing the animals. Since this outfit is... not very likely to be worn in reality, did the animal killing happen at all? Even if it did, I think this shot remains an indicator that he sees himself as impure; guilty. I have a LOT to say about the inconsistencies in Haruka's MVs, but I'll save that for later... Anyway, back on topic) It is NOT "having the mental capacity of a child, so being unable to date etc." Haruka has still lived 17 years, maybe even more, since he isn't too interested in remembering his age. How do you treat actual neurodivergent people if this is how you see him?

When I rewatch the MVs, relisten to the VDs, reread the interrogations and timelines, I see no evil, just an incredibly broken, misunderstood person.

[nordidia]

hey do you have any tips for unmasking

here are some that help me personally in my current journey! mind u everyone is gonnna be different with their seperate needs and ways to stim but i think some of these can be universal advice to be more comfortable.

surround yourself with people who encourage you unmasking. if your friends dislike you when you unmask... then there is a huge issue. no friendships should be a preformance, they should like you for you

a good example of how it should be: i can be deadpan and monotone and blunt and even sometimes angry (not @ them just in general) around my friends and none of them mind bc they know i mean well. i dont have to preform cheerfulness and happiness for them to be comfortable. they are comfortable because they know me and dont take any of it personally! very important!

learn that it is safe to take off your mask, when safe. especially alone is good to practice this, if you have a hard time unmasking even when you're alone

if you write or draw, by all means, project onto your favorite characters! you dont have to post it if you dont want to, or if its really out of character and just for self comfort. its good not to feel alone, and our favorite characters can help with this

google advice! always great!

find safe and comfortable ways to take mask-breaks during stressful situations such as school or work. i'd often go to the bathroom just to sit alone during school, just to get a bit of a break from being preceived and sitting still, and just to fully be alone for a few. at parties or bars i will go outside sometimes to esape noise and social interactions

avoid anything that could aggravate your senses/overwhelm you when you can! wear comfortable clothes, take off jewlery when you can start feeling them, bring stim toys and earplugs/headphones when you go outside of your safety zones like home!

remember that unmasking and stimming is necessary to regulate emotions, and really really realise that

unmasking is important to avoid meltdowns, shutdowns, and especially long term burnout. trust me, you dont want that.

a big part of unmasking is knowing its okay to regulate your emotions when needed. less dysregulation, less need for masking, easier to safely learn how to unmask when it feels safe!

everyone stims to regulate. everyone, even neurotypicals. you just need it more than others. and that's okay!

i hope you maybe feel better reading this, knowing you're not alone<3 these are all just my personal advice that i still work with, by all means google some advice for yourself and talk to friends!

i hope you are well <3 good luck!

[janisrenzi-blog]

My Journey with Grief

December 2, 2019, the day everything changed for me. In an instant, I was not who I once was. I watched the woman who gave me life, who was my biggest cheerleader and trusted confidante take her last breath and it shattered me. It’s a wild thing when you're suffering so profoundly and everything around you keeps going. I remember having dinner that night with my sister and stepdad,  and I was sitting there, probably in shock, but inside I’m thinking-why are we here, why are we eating? Just 3 hours ago, I watched my mom die. It is by far the most surreal and bizarre feeling. Worrying about work or my daughter missing school- so much of me was thinking “who the fuck cares about any of this”, but the thoughts were still there. Nothing mattered and everything mattered. I struggled more than most people are probably aware, other than my sweet husband. He had a front row seat to so much of my heartbreak, devastation, depression, anger, and rage. All my emotions were so surface level it was quite surprising and a bit scary.  Oh and the trauma, I cannot forget the trauma. Much of the first two years are a blur. How I survived, I don’t know. Well I do know, actually. Therapy. More  therapy (EMDR). God. My husband and daughter. My sister. My niece. A handful of friends that could sit in the uncomfortableness of my pain. And my ability to make myself sit with my grief. I told myself -you will feel every part of this and if that means you are miserable for years, so be it.  I was determined not to run from my immense sadness because I knew it would just be waiting for me. Or it would ruin my life in other ways, because unhealed trauma will do that. It took about a year plus before I even started to grieve the actual absence of my mother in my life. My nervous system was so dysregulated from the trauma of her illness and death, I spent the first year or more just trying to make myself feel safe and that everything in my life wasn’t going to blow up. The newfound fear and anxiety that surrounded my life after my mom died was horrendous. Around the 18 month mark, I started EMDR therapy to help with the trauma. I quit my job and pretty much all I did was therapy & any type of self care I could think of and afford. I was so scared to quit  my job but it was the best thing I did for myself. For me to be able to live with this deep grief that reshaped my whole life and be the mother, wife, sister, aunt, friend that I wanted to be, one that my mom was so proud of, I needed to focus everything I had on healing & learning to live without my mom. It was one of the most selfish times of my life and I have no regrets. It saved me. I’m beyond grateful for that year and a half break. 

Today, December 2, 2024, is five years, five long and five short years since my sweet, feisty, loving Mom left this earth.  I miss her so deeply. I instantly tear up when talking or thinking about her most days. I still cannot look at pictures of her and if I come across one unexpectedly, I feel like I can’t breathe. I can stare a few minutes longer than I could 5 years ago, but not much. I have one picture of my mom in my house, that’s it. They do not bring me comfort… yet. It’s a prayer and hope of mine that one day, I can have more pictures of her (and Brandon) in my home and when I look at them I might feel sadness but I’ll also feel joy to see their faces again. One day. But not today. 

Grief has been a really hard journey. I have surprised myself with what one person can handle and hold. I have been caught off-guard by how much one can change. One major surprise was how much my confidence took a hit when my Mom died. I remember when I was looking to go back to work, I was so hard on myself. I really thought I could not get back out there and be successful. I lost all faith in myself and I could not figure out why. After processing this disturbing revelation in therapy, I realized that my Mom was my biggest encourager and cheerleader. She honestly thought I was the smartest and most capable woman and I guess without her, I felt like that wasn’t true. Again, so odd and something that caught me totally off-guard. I hated feeling that way about myself. I knew it was a lie but it really held me back. With time, I put my big girl panties on and I got back out there and I encouraged myself. Even made a sign that hung on my bathroom mirror reminding  myself I am capable, smart, confident and all those things my Mama once told me. 

I’m not sure who I’m writing this for, mostly myself, I guess. I have felt for awhile I wanted to get down my thoughts on grief and the five year anniversary of my Mom’s death feels really big. It’s a long time to not hear your Mom’s voice, receive a hug and hear that she loves you and is proud of you. Thank God I had a Mom that told me all those things when she was alive and wrote them in every card she ever gave me.

I’ll continue my hard journey with grief until it’s my time to be reunited with my Mom. A few weeks ago, my daughter and I met for lunch and she was  talking about  missing her Mamaw and Brandon. She said with tears in her eyes “Mom I’m a happy person and I feel joy, but deep inside I’m a sad girl” and if I’m being honest, my first internal reaction was to try to explain why she should be happy and convince her not to be sad, life is beautiful, blah blah blah. But I did not do that, because that would be awful to say to someone who was being open and  honest with their feelings. So I just sat in silence with tears streaming down my face. And then she said “I don’t let it consume my life or my thoughts, but I’m sad inside” and I sat there and after the nausea washed away, I said “ honey, that’s grief. That’s exactly what we all feel. Me, Aunt Carmen, Lauren”. Everyone that loves deeply will eventually carry a forever sadness in their heart and for me, often my gut.  My girl described  grief so perfectly and beautifully. We will carry sadness with us forever but it doesn’t mean we won’t also find joy and happiness and be joyful and happy. Because in the end, life is brutal but it’s also beautiful. 

Thanks for reading, 

Forever a Sad Girl 

[vivianseda]

Thank you Em from Neurodivergent Wild

“Many of my posts talk about the importance of regulation.

People often want to know how they can help regulation happen.

Here are some ideas.

This is not an exhaustive list.

For my kids, I pay attention to the sorts of things that they naturally do throughout the day. I also look at the impact of those things. My kids naturally move. They don’t ever sit down. They read, watch tv, play Nintendo all while pacing or jumping or climbing. If they’ve had a day where that movement hasn’t happened much, I know that I need to create opportunities for it to happen.

If my kids are dysregulated (which looks like no frustration tolerance, quick to tears, irritated, constant arguing with each other, low capacity to handle disappointment or transitions), my go-to strategy is food put in their hands, time for swings. 15 minutes of that and they are in a much less irritated state.

One of my kids is super sensitive to temperature. He overheats massively after short bursts of activity, and then he is absolutely unable to access any of his usual skills. He simply can’t. It’s like his brain is on fire. A person whose brain is on fire can’t simply ‘make good choices’. He can’t just cool down either, unless I actively help him. That means ice, water, a fan, a cold wet cloth. Once he is cool he can think again.

One of my kids responds well to deep pressure when he’s close to meltdown (or there already). He is pretty tall, so I have him lie on the lounge or floor, then I lie on top of him with most of my adult weight. And I squeeze his fingertips and we stay there for a few minutes. That works very effectively.

If he is super upset but not approaching meltdown, all I do is sit near him and listen to him. He tells me all the issues, the details of the situation, the huge injustice that has befallen him (and he often has misinterpreted the situation in a big way). I listen and I sympathise. It looks like this: yeah… I know… yeah…that’s so bad…dear me…I know…

The details of the situation don’t matter. I don’t disagree. I don’t teach. I don’t fix. I don’t offer any opinion whatsoever. He gets more and more calm as he goes on (which wouldn’t happen if I was disagreeing with him). All I am doing is being a safe place for him. He can say anything to me and it will be ok. 99% of the time, he talks himself all the way back to reason. He eventually identifies the main issue HIMSELF, and a solution. He identifies if he has caused the problem. And the situation and the emotions have been dealt with, and we’re done.

Other regulation things to try:

🌻 Heavy work (stuff that needs some muscle behind it)

🌻 Food, drink, rest, bathroom break (because we often don’t hear those messages from our bodies)

🌻 Connection through comfort activity e.g. reading together, drawing, watching something, collaborative gaming

🌻 Screen time

🌻 Reducing demands

🌻 Offering non judgemental help for getting stuff done

Final things to remember: regulation is not an on/off switch

Nothing works all of the time

Different regulation strategies are required at different times

Trial and error to see what works for each person

And co-regulation will be required for a long, long time. That simply means that we will need to help our kids regulate. It is a collaborative process. But good news- it’s good for you too.

Em ☺️🌈✌️

AuDHD SLP”

[deathwolf9000]

i think i misunderstood your message and sent my matchup request to the wrong blog 🧍 so here it is again!

may i get a romantic overwatch matchup please? any gender is fine, but i prefer characters 25+

im 5'3 and nonbinary

I'm very shy and reserved at first but once i open up im very friendly and warm and a huge dork. im creative and i like to make things for people, whether its sewing or crocheting or drawing etc.

im easily flustered by anything flirty. im a good listener and i value communication greatly. i cry easily bc im sensitive and i struggle with emotional dysregulation. im a very caring person and can sometimes overdo it trying to be there for everyone. im also very stubborn, especially when someone either tries to make me do something i don't want to do, or says i can't do something. i have anxiety and often wake up at weird hours of the morning bc of it.

tysm!

Hrmm...in my humble opinion, I match you with:

☆ Reinhardt! ~ ☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.

[ Want one too? See here: (insert link to post ill make later) ]

(Warning: Long 'Keep Reading')

(Warning: Angst)

TLDR: He's anxious and caring too. You build each other up, and he especially nurtures you/ see last paragraph

It could go a number of ways. It was a bit of rummaging to find the right one, but if you like Rein I think it'd work out pretty good!

I can imagine you working in Overwatch when it got big in a teensy assistive position, occasionally bumping into the fabled heroes, usually for professional reasons.

And dear god, it was terrifying. That looming itching feeling of social pressure as you have to talk to them. At a work party Tracer had made an effort to try and talk to you, which kind of worked- you quietly babbled back and forth but the atmosphere with so many strangers was just kind of overwhelming. Cassidy had teased you, both simultaneously putting a blush on your face and a bubbling feeling of frustration. You wanted to prove his smug face wrong.

And you did. You were out of your shell, one way or another, and spiralled down this one-sided? Requited? God, who-knows - situation-ship with Cass that did you more harm than good. It was nice for a while, colourful, passionate, but fickle. The verbal equivalent of scraping at a smooth wall in your effort to help him as he slipped into Blackwatch. His ever-waning attention to your beautifully crafted gifts; his ignorance.

However, during that time you did meet the heroes personally. You caught Reinhardt's attention particularly. You were amazing! He'd look over your shoulder in awe in what you were making for Cassidy, spouting words of encouragement, saying something about how you should teach him so he could crochet for Ana and Fareeha. When someone dared you couldn't take your turn arm wrestling Rein, you did, and won! Crazy strength, right? Just kidding, he let you win. When you complained, you stayed up as everyone trickled out continually trying to beat him. It was very comical sight; opponents crouched over a table, one 2ft bigger than the other. When you were shy, he would offer a hand on your back as you entered the new thing together instead of alone. Reinhardt was always very clear with his emotions, which was quite grounding and you started to unintentionally imitate him a bit. You'd had your bubbly, loud conversations, but when Ana and Cass had left (and during Cass' stupid antics)- they sometimes became more quiet, and solemn. Seeing him awake too at ungodly hours of the night-morning, you had reached out to him in worry despite your state. The two of you had exchanged woes carefully and ending up in streaming tears in both sides, both of anguish and relief, ending in an all-encompassing hug underneath the cloudy night sky of Gibraltar. It was hard not to rely on him, because he wholeheartedly let you.

And that's it. Overwatch was...over? You remember that last day as your co-workers began to pack on to company helicraft to go back home from Gibraltar. Looking at Rein through the crowd, distraught. Ana was missing. You had sincerely guaranteed you would stay in touch until press had died down. With a tugging heartstring you returned home.

Looking at your comms device your stomach churned over Reinhardt's contact, finger hovering over the screen. What if he'd forgotten? Does he still want to speak? Is it saf- your thoughts cut off as the device lit up. A video call from Reinhardt. It was an initial image of a confused old man before he saw you, and his holographic face lit up. He corrected himself, asking of your safety, and if you are free to talk, etcetera. When you dizzily but enthusiastically agreed, he jumped back into over joyous questions, compliments and jokes. In this time apart, you would chat now and again. How Brigitte was; your latest projects; if you couldn't fall asleep or you woke up too early... It was nice during a time of ever-growing political tension.

Eventually, you were invited to visit for the holidays. As soon as you stepped off the hoverbus Reinhardt was there, asking you before scooping you up in a hearty hug and laugh. You'd missed that. As he gushed about his hometown you couldn't help but look over. He was overflowing with joviality- but weathered, more than before. An added sense of maturity and intelligence. You understood. And, it looked quite handsome on him. Not to mention the juxtaposition of his parental looking cardigan against his massive scar-strewn form.

This odd kind of new..adoration began to weasel its way into otherwise familiar interactions from back in Overwatch. Becoming more familiar with his bouts of depression, (Ana's death, all his friends disappearances...) consolations especially became more tender and intimate in the quiet hours of the Lindholm household or out on the green hills. Sometimes you'd wake up at a horribly early time, and going down the stairs you would find Reinhardt carefully cooking. Anxiety wake-ups didn't seem as bad anymore- actually, they became less frequent as you would just exist together into the night, sometimes even cuddle. Sometimes Torbjörn would shout and make you cry, leading to Brig and Rein to scold him and then comfort you, Reinhardt more calmly. You'd go grocery and material shopping (for Brig) together. Reinhardt would ever so subtly wince at loud metallic noises, and you would hold his hand. You'd take over for Brig in tending his wounds when he tried to 'stay in shape'. You weren't trying to be an opportunist, but god his body was pretty too. Maybe you paused a little too long, because in-between a pained grunt he chuckled. This confused you, as minute as it was, but it wasn't long before he began gently dropping more smart-mouthed compliments and half-jokes in a lower tone than normal. One night that you had stayed up late together he had pulled you aside. With the same sincerity and nervousness of when he had initially contacted you post-Overwatch; and the same cloudy night sky, he articulately confessed his growing romantic feelings for you.

If you reciprocate? He is overjoyed to a silent smile, forehead bumping against yours as he offers a calloused hand to rest on your cheek. He eventually looks through to you, a small smug smile as he articulates something cheesy but tender. Boundaries and expectations are shared, and it's pretty easy to trust each other. You have your own business to attend to, but when you do meet, it is loud and beautiful. Boisterous, passionate holidays and days together. He remembers what you taught him, and presents to you a bad crocheted..blanket (?) as big as his hand that he's proudly holding it with. You slam the table harder than him as you're so close to winning a stupid family board game against him. He princess carries you often just-cause. Quiet and meaningful talks as he holds on to your every word.

It's nice.

--------------------------------------------------BTS ↴

[tastyfishistasty]

13 years on Tumblr retrospective

Having looked through all the posts I personally made since 2010 I can see so many changes and so many things that have stayed the same. It's been sad and interesting and also some good bits!

The world spins ever on.

Followers and Following

My lovely lovely mutuals and followers have always been so kind and so helpful 💜💜💜, so many posts and conversations that I forgot, but were like little treasures to find!

It makes me so sad to know some of the people I interacted with so often are no longer here and I have no way of finding them. I miss them and I hope they are happy and doing well.

I've still never broken into having 100 followers, but those that do follow me are the best 🎉

Fandoms etc

I miss some of the fandoms I used to care so much about! Merlin, Bluestone 42, HTTYD, supernatural, Sherlock, Doctor Who, Brooklyn 99, Narnia...

Some I will watch occasionally, some not with a barge pole.

Then of course the big two that I can't touch anymore that make me sad because people are awful.

There's a post I saw about the first RTX UK which I couldn't go to in the end and I'm gushing about you know who and it makes me sick to remember how much I loved them. I watch Jeremy on twitch and I love him, but I can't watch the back catalogue anymore and I used to watch them on repeat.

I used to have the tag "Achievement Hunter is saving my life". And it did. It gave me things to look forward to and it was good and happy and positive and safe. But it wasn't. It's ruined and it's never coming back.

For the other one... I wrote fan fic, it was how I got into fandom at all! I made my own fandom merch (embarrassing as fuck now), but all that care and effort was not deserved by the creator and I hope she rots away and stops hurting people I care about.

Dragon age has been around for me such a very long time and I wish it worked on my old laptop now EA has updated their app thing.

My MCs have really changed and grown and I see so many mistakes and misunderstandings in my own view of the world, seeing how they've changed and I've changed is really rewarding!

Me!

Looking back at some of my OG posts, I was so good at hiding that I was ace. I assumed I was normal, I'd had a serious boyfriend!

Yeah no. You can track my nonsense as I figure it out, the "thirst" posts disappearing and my Sherlock phase was getting worse (yes, that's how I figured out what Asexual was, when someone said Sherlock Holmes was... the shaaaaaaame 🤦).

And by "thirst" posts, I mean "isn't X pretty? I like his face". That's it.

My dude, that is aesthetic attraction not romantic or sexual. You are asexual as fuck, stop trying to not be.

Then there's the "I'm double A not triple A, what a shame!" posts. Shockingly, wanting to be Agender too but feeling it can't be you, because it's only for people who know exactly what they are... is a sign you might actually be Agender.

It's both more complicated and not complicated at all with my gender, but Agender works and I like being a tiny battery, so I got here eventually.

Most recently there's the mental health side. I use a side blog for that, but it's still on Tastyfishistasty. It's so sad to look and see me trying so hard to fight my "atypical cyclic depression" and feeling so lazy and broken.

It was ADHD and emotional dysregulation, doc, not a fancy depression.

If my ear doctor hadn't said anything, I don't know if I'd ever have realised. It's scary to know how much of myself was revealed because I didn't actually have hearing problems, I have attention problems and auditory processing issues...

Thank you to anyone that has been on this journey with me, either my lovely followers and mutuals or just for reading this long post!

I'm not going anywhere unless they kick me out as they close the building, this post was born from finally receiving the "made 100 posts" badge and wanting to see how many I'd actually made. (It's 210 original and 15,090 reblogs... so Tumblr needs to learn to count.)

I wish I had time to back this blog up, or at least go through and find the important stuff I don't want to loose, but that's a lot of work and Tumblr does not like me going too far on my own blog, so unless there's a way to put it somewhere else to look... who knows.

Anyway

Thanks everyone 💜

And Tumblr:

[basilibino]

The new anti recovery rhetoric is that "people who make posts about dealing with depression/anxiety are talking about the emotion, not the disorder" and I'm here to say as someone with both disorders that that position is just not true.

Rag on getting your body moving and not holing up in ur room with instant meals all you want, no one can make you do anything for ur mental health that u aren't ready and willing to do, but it's frankly nonsensical to act like managing a depressed or anxious mood wouldnt translate to changing the affects of a mood disorder.

Yeah, I will always be anxious and depressed, but you know what worsens those spirals consistently? Isolation. Holing myself up in my room and not going anywhere. Not reaching out to ppl. Not eating food anywhere but my car or my bedroom.

Flipside--you know what, while never getting rid of my anxiety and depression, helps me function daily and maintain relationships? Getting out of my house. Going to the gym and not talking to a damn soul but moving my body. Talking with my friends and acquaintances even if I'm scared they don't want to, even when that will usually cause an immediate spike in anxiety, bc 99.9% of the time that's my own brain assuming the worst.

And guess what—I still have bad days! I still have days where I bedrot. My executive dysfunction has actually never been worse than rn. Sometimes my social anxiety is so severe that trying to socialize to counteract will only make it worse.

I live with these mood disorders every day, on top of general emotional dysregulation; exercise and eating habits will not make them go away, it's true. But it helps manage the symptoms. Which is what ppl are talking about when they make posts abt helping depression and anxiety. And that's why tweet threads like this

Are just the same "we can't all be neurotypical, Karen" posts as 2014.

Replier isn't ready to consistently move themselves out of bed yet, and that's ok!! It's a hallmark of being depressed for a reason!

But

they themselves acknowledge that when they can get out and move, it does help!

And maybe it's just the "spent 2 years in a group DBT setting for suicidal teens" in me speaking but I think they're also unintentionally identifying the biggest thing that hinders recovery—shame for our bad days; shame for relapses—shame. Sometimes you'll wake up and getting out of bed feels insurmountable. You wanted to get out and hit the sidewalk this morning before it got too hot, or before the rain came in and brought in a week long cold front, and you can't go to the gym bc you can't afford a membership bc you don't have a job, but this morning everything feels so heavy that you just can't bring yourself to do it. Maybe later in the afternoon you feel like you can get up and out, but now you feel like you've ruined the day for yourself bc you can't get that walk in. So you stay in bed. And then maybe the next day you get up and it's better. You're feeling a bit more energetic than the day before, even without the possibility of a walk! ...until you remember that party this afternoon that you weren't too big on going to, but your best friends set it up for a small group of you all to hang out. You still want to see your friends, but you'd offered to make brownies; which wouldn't be too bad, just mix the egg and water to the box powder and shove it in the oven for a bit, except for one thing—you don't have enough time to get presentable *and* make brownies this morning if you want to be on time. heaven knows you can't be late, they'll all be so annoyed, and you definitely can't show up brownie-less. Then you remember that you did have plans for yesterday beyond the walk—you were going to make the brownies the night before so they'd be ready for this! You can't believe you sabotaged yourself this bad yesterday.

Overwhelmed with the stress of not only showering, cleaning your teeth, and finding the cleanest clothes you have, but also with the dilemma of brownies to be made, without even getting into the drive over to your friends' house, and the realization that maybe you wouldn't have been so overwhelmed if you had just gotten out of bed yesterday when you had the energy; the sudden sureness that you are self sabotaging without even realizing it until its too late....

You finally reach out to your friends.

With an apology that you won't be able to make it today after all. You sit on the couch and hate yourself.

That extremely detailed ramble drawing from various instances in my own life? The hypothetical you is being held back, yes by their depressive tendencies, but also by the way their shame feeds right back into it. So ashamed of missing their walk window, that they stay in bed. So ashamed of staying in bed even when they could have mustered the energy to go to the kitchen and remember to bake brownies, that they can't even think about being late or going without brownies, so they stay home. So busy hating themself that they don't recognize that despite it all, they made it out of their room today.

Part of what makes anxiety and depression such hard disorders to manage is that they are your outlook on the world, and when you're drowning in them it feels impossible to stop and ask yourself "why would my friends care more about brownies than getting me out of the house for the first time in a month" (which can feel self-invalidating to ask, or too harsh for social anxiety feels, i fully acknowledge that) or, "why do brownies matter more than seeing my friends"

And we get so used to sitting in our shame, that managing the shame becomes its own step in symptom management that personally I never heard addressed outside of DBT group. But to make lifestyle changes, you need to be consistent. And building consistency is hard, and will never be 100% perfect. But if you want to build consistency, then you have to be in a place where bad days and stumbles and bedrot days can happen, be accepted, and then start the next day determined to try. And that's hard when you're expecting to make a sudden about face into a new lifestyle and then feel better. You'll set goals too high, you'll miss them, you'll restart the shame spiral.

And I get that. I feel like part of "recovery" from mood disorders includes, unfortunately, hitting that rock bottom. Bc you can't start climbing out until you are certain it's the best choice you can make for yourself.

But it still annoys me that ppl are now also going after the "unfortunately that advice is true" ppl, bc now they're not just dismissing the advice, they're invalidating the ppl who are very clearly telegraphic that they are in this chronic struggle with you. Would someone who only experiences occasional episodes of mild depression or anxiety open with the vibes of "unfortunately, that advice we all had crammed down our throats until we were sick of it actually does help"? Or would that be coming from someone who has had to experience the ego death of making a gradual lifestyle change and noticing improvement in their symptoms.

[carolinanadeau]

Embarrassing, ridiculous TMI under the readmore (not gross! just way too personal!)

I do not have PTSD and I don't want to be a part of the "flippantly using the word 'trigger'" problem at all, but I think I finally found a proper name for this harmful behavior I've wrestled with since at least high school, and it's called self-triggering.

Again, I don't have trauma... well, everybody has some trauma, but that's not the thing I'm triggering myself about here. And if I explained what I had actually been doing to myself (which may be obvious to someone who's reading between the lines but I don't want to talk about it for reasons I've stated before), it would sound laughably, mockably trivial. But the results are still an acute increase in depression and obsessive negative/angry thinking and distress and alienation from something that usually gives me joy... so it's still harmful to me, no matter how stupid and frivolous it sounds. Perhaps it's an OCD/depression self-triggering instead of a PTSD self-triggering.

I reiterate, what I'm discussing is not trauma, not EVER claiming it is, but:

In a similar vein, one set of case studies (De Young, 1984) conceptualized approaching situations reminiscent of the trauma as “counterphobic behavior” (i.e., an attempt to master anxiety by repeatedly approaching its source, resulting in a greater sense of control).  

I understand this, the "maybe if I keep looking I'll become desensitized", and "I need more information so I can better avoid this thing and people associated!" Or even "well maybe it wasn't really that bad, maybe I'm remembering it as worse than it was" (I'm not, if anything I've forgotten just how bad it was!)

Likewise, if trauma survivors perceive reexperiencing symptoms as inevitable, they may wish to decide the time and place of their occurrence, affording them a sense of control.

...is that the irrational "gotta get it over with" compulsion??  

Alarmingly, many users also report being unable to stop this behavior once they have begun despite the dysregulation and distress that it causes.

This is how it goes: I will read or even just skim through something that causes me serious emotional distress, whether that is a fanfiction with something horrible happening to characters I find comfort in, or a really nasty article full of harsh, baseless criticisms of something I love so much. (Again, these things sound laughable but to the way my mind works, it is not. Though I also do something similar with actual bad memories from my life [I think everyone does], well, you can't "reread" or refresh those. And I also have the power to delete/destroy any physical records I have of those.)

So, I will vow to never ever let this wretched thing enter my eyeballs again. I will ruminate about it and quietly seethe about the fact that it exists, and that some people even like/agree with it! I won't be able to get certain upsetting phrases out of my head and I will obsess and it will ruin my enjoyment of related things whenever I get reminded of it.

Maybe I will find ways to block or blacklist to lower my chances of seeing it. And I will be very vigilant about this for a long time and will successfully avoid it, even if I see reminders here and there that make me mad. Slowly, I'll only remember a few specific sentences from the thing, and even those may be unclear.

And then I'll suddenly develop the belief that I "have to" look at it again for some reason, and my heart will start pounding as I start bracing myself for this "inevitability".  And eventually the irrational, self-destructive side will win out and I'll do it, believing that it's like ripping a bandaid off for the greater good. Gotta get it over with, you see. I'll only glance over it, of course, because this time I already know how bad it is - I'll just read a few sentences here and there on my way to do something "sensible" like block the url or check who liked it so I know it wasn't my friends - but it will be enough to make me feel like absolute shit for days again, and now I have these fresh memories in my head to contend with and the cycle of trying to forget these bad bad thoughts and be able to freely enjoy the thing I love starts all over again.

and that's what you missed on Glee!

[vizthedatum]

just another vent about my ex-spouse because I'm processing my triggers from Monday

So Monday was a very bad day for me, and I think I figured out why (IN ADDITION TO THE STUPID PMDD).

My landlord at my current place (literally the best apartment I've ever rented so far, and it's affordable) does annual pest maintenance. Like he hires an external company to come and check with us about any concerns we're having, and they do the necessary work.

I did deal with some mice earlier this year (I think I caught and killed them all, and the maintenance man helped me seal any points of entry with steel wool).

I do try to keep my current place clean - even if it gets cluttered and unvacuumed. (I am working on that clutter right now).

It is EXTREMELY better than how I was living with my ex-spouse.

--

The appointment with the pest maintenance person went so well! We didn't really see any major issues, I asked about how I've been growing my plants and if that could be introducing pests, and he laid out some preemptive traps.

I don't have pests or mice or anything.

My place is clean and not dirty.

--

I was triggered though. And I went into a spiral about how I was going to be alone, financially broke forever, etc. (I mean, these are still my fears...)

--

As I've mentioned earlier in the blog, my ex-spouse purposely kept me in a long-term living situation that had a severe mouse infestation (they were everywhere, and I was desperately cleaning all the time when I had the energy, and I was in complete and fucking dysregulation). AND I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING KICKED THEM OUT, CALLED AN EXTERMINATOR LIKE I WANTED TO, AND DEALT WITH IT.

I am one of the more peaceful people with animals you may ever meet, but I WILL STILL FUCKING KILL WILD MICE IN MY HOME. Judge me all you want.

Asshole didn't even understand how much fucking health risk they were putting us in while talking about how covid was going to kill us (again, note: said asshole did not have any healthcare experience or know-how - nor did they really listen to me.).

--

We had hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of traps, did you know?

The ones that I got (that I had to get approved by them - to be safe and non-lethal... even though I ended up getting lethal ones later), I really did try to deploy them and use. We caught and released a few, but it was overall a worthless effort.

--

It's just all triggering to me, even though I'm so safe right now.

My apartment (even if it's messy right now) is SO MUCH CLEANER AND WELL-ORGANIZED than how I was living with them.

I am literally suffering from flares and fatigue right now, and I can still manage it all so much better. I am more functional than I was two years ago.

I remember one time, I went out TO FUCKING RECHARGE MY SPOONS BY HAVING NECESSARY SOCIAL INTERACTION (THAT I ALSO CLEARED WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY HAD SUCH BAD CONTROL ISSUES) BECAUSE THAT IS ESSENTIAL TO MY FUCKING MENTAL HEALTH, and I came back, and they were crying on top of a pile of cardboard boxes saying that I was just going out and not helping take care of the household.

HOW COULD I TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSEHOLD WHEN YOU ANTAGONIZED EVERYTHING I DID ALL THE FUCKING TIME?

I BEGGED YOU AND SHOWED YOU THE THINGS I COULD NOT DO.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT AFFECTED ME THAT I COULDN'T SAFELY COOK IN OUR OWN FUCKING KITCHEN?!

DID YOU LIKE SEEING ME IN PERPETUAL FUNCTIONAL FREEZE GETTING SICKER AND SICKER?

LOOK AT OLD PICTURES OF ME THROUGHOUT THE RELATIONSHIP AND KNOW THAT YOU DID THAT. YOU TOOK AWAY MY YOUTH, MY BEAUTY, MY HEALTH, AND MY SANITY.

YOU REDUCED ME TO FUCKING PROP WHO YOU THOUGHT WAS SILLY.

TELL EVERYONE I WAS A BAD PARTNER - TELL EVERYONE I WAS THE ABUSIVE AND UNHINGED ONE - IT'S EASY TO DO, ISN'T IT? It's sooooo easy to call me crazy, huh?

--

I'd rather be crazy and unhinged than ever be with someone remotely like you ever again. Because my level of "crazy and unhinged" is living a peaceful, pest-free life where I (and my friends and loved ones) can do something meaningful with our lives. I might be messy. I might have really bad executive functioning skills. I have legitimate life challenges. I might need help from my friends from time to time and be demanding in my relationships. I might be super verbose and dramatic/quirky/whatever... but I don't think I'm crazy.

[csa-survivor-confessions]

(?)

Hi, anon who recently posted the ask starting with "Warning: long. If replying is too exhausting, feel free to ignore this <3 I understand it dw" (tw for graphic imagery & danger I guess?)

I've been tracking my dreams more closely and the nightmares have actually not gotten better at all lmao. I've dreamt sth SA related like 3 times this month already. So that sucks. I thought I was improving at least a bit. It's been over three years now, I'm so tired and angry and I want to scream my lungs out until they're splattered on the pavement.

I witnesses two guys fighting at my bus stop and it scared me so badly I almost tripped onto the street (and into my upcoming bus so that wouldn't have been great for me) and it's like whatever but I wish I could just handle things. Everything's exhausting and I can't even bring myself to eat a vegetable I've had for two weeks because that would mean going into the kitchen (other people/strangers) and cutting/ washing the vegetable (feels too exhausting.)

At least watching my fave show makes me ecstatic,,

I hope your days have been better<3

hello,

Tracking your dreams might not be helping. It's not necessary to record them in any detail. If you want to track triggers that's a perfectly good thing to do, but you might not need to be so focused on the content of the nightmares.

It makes perfect sense that you are hurting. Dealing with trauma can be very hard. And it's reasonable that it hasn't gotten better on its own. Sadly for a lot of people, it doesn't get better without some attention spent on letting your brain and nervous system heal and relieve a lot of traumatic stress.

It sounds like you are stuck in a hypaoroused state, meaning your body is stuck without your nervous system activating. it makes people feel like there is no energy and makes doing anything hard. This can be related to freeze & shutdown trauma response. it's a common place for people with trauma to go through.

Practising some coping skills can always be helpful. Whether we are in a hyperarousal state or hypoarousaed state breathing can be really helpful. When our nervous system is more regulated we have more calming energy.

One Example

2-to-1 Breathing: This is a practice that helps give us a path to regularity and best engaging the parasympathetic system. It also requires a powerful redirect of focous to our breathing and the way that it feels. Knowing how proper breathing feels is good to know when we have started to become dysregulated. This is generally hard to do during flashbacks or mid panic attack, most effective before or after the most extreme point. Remember diaphragmatic breaths, and try to either sit or stand as straight as possible! Steps: Count the duration of both exhalation and inhalation as you breathe normally and adjust it gently so you are exhaling and inhaling for the same amount of time. Most people are comfortable with a count of 3 or 4 counts for each exhalation and inhalation. So one full breath lasts for a count of either 6 or 8. So you are breathing in 4 and exhaling 4 counts. Now, without altering the duration of the total breath cycle, adjust your breathing by slowing the exhalation and gently quickening the inhalation to achieve a 2-to-1 ratio. For a breath lasting 6 counts, this means exhaling for 4 and inhaling for 2. For 8 you can adjust slightly exhaling for 6 and inhaling for 3.

[more breathing and grounding skills: Coping Skills Masterposts: Panic Attacks, Flashbacks & Dissociation]

Stimming toys might also be useful in both situations. You can try some out and see if different ones work at different times. When you are overwhelmed and want to scream or energy is missing.

Examples:

Calming rocks/crystals

Cats cradle

Chewy necklaces

Fidget Spinner, fidget cubes, twirling loops

Rings that have a bit to spin around

Sensory brushes.

Stress balls/Koosh balls/Massage balls

Tangles

Thinking putty or silly putty

Velcro

Weighted Compression Vests

Like in a situation with the bus, you could maybe have something that you practice using to help with not feeling as out of the body and cause issues like losing balance.

[more about this here: Coping Skills: Sensory Aids]

You might be able to keep some food in your room. They would have to be shelf stable but things like trail mix, pre-poped popcorn, dried fruit, chips, nuts, granola and other things.

Getting some bagged salad could be fine. Theoretically, you could eat it out of the bag. but overall it is veggies that won't require cutting anything or washing them.

Practising slow movements like stretching and walking can be good. I know it's the last thing you want to do when your body is stuck in a low-energy place in your body.

You could also try moving some with the show that is making you happy. If it's getting some energy up in your body you could stretch while you watch. It is deeply helpful for your body to not be stuck in that freeze & shutdown state.

There is nothing wrong with you and you haven't done anything bad. you can get through this, it's okay to be unhappy and hurting from trauma. You're surviving and you will get to living.

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2

[jdgo51]

Pillar of Fire and Cloud of Smoke

Today's inspiration comes from:

30 Days with Jesus

by Lysa TerKeurst and Joel Muddamalle

Editor's note: Friends, If you loved Lysa TerKeurst's 40 Days Through the Bible, you're not going to want to miss her newest Bible study, 30 Days with Jesus! In this 30-day workbook, you'll draw connections between the Old and New Testaments so you can understand the Bible as one complete story - and see that Jesus is never absent from the pages of Scripture. He's there, from cover to cover, in every part of the Bible. This would be a great Bible study to do through the holidays or at the start of the new year, and it's perfect for gifting! Enjoy today's exclusive excerpt.

EXODUS 13 / JOHN 8:12–30

"Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” — John 8:12

"Do you remember traveling on a road trip before using a map app on your phone?

If you can, there’s a high possibility you remember the days of printing turn-by-turn directions from MapQuest.com. Or before that, buying a printed road map or atlas! Oh, how far we’ve come!

Getting lost, missing exits, getting turned around... the confusion can leave us feeling so vulnerable.

It’s incredibly dysregulating and sometimes downright frightening to be lost. The Israelites most definitely felt this vulnerability and anxiety when they left Egypt. Yes, they were leaving the devastating hardships of Egypt, but every step took them deeper into the unknown. And the unknown can be a frightening place to willingly walk into.

God... where am I supposed to be going?

From the start of the Israelites’ exit from Egypt, God kept His promise not just to lead His people, but to be with them every step of the way.

01 Read Exodus 13:17–18a. Take note of the words in verse 18a, especially

But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea.

How does it make you feel, reading that God intentionally led the Israelites into the wilderness?

It’s hard to understand why God would intentionally take the Israelites through such a desolate place like the wilderness. Maybe today you find yourself questioning God in a place you find yourself in.

God... why am I here? God... where are You? God... what am I supposed to be doing?

God... where am I supposed to be going?

The wilderness wasn’t God’s punishment because He didn’t care. It was where God took them because He knew something they didn’t.

God knew going the shorter journey through the land of the Philistines was a greater danger to them in the long run. If the Israelites faced the Philistines, their fear might have prompted them to turn back to Egypt. Or, they might have been tempted by the idolatry of the Philistines and turn towards false gods.

God was not unaware of the needs of the Israelites. And God is not unaware of your deepest needs. The promise of God’s presence would carry the Israelites through what appeared to be their worst nightmare in the wilderness.

02 Read Exodus 13:21–22. What was the manifestation of God’s presence that went before them?

These manifestations served two important purposes:

... The pillars led the people in the direction that they should go.

... The pillars provided boundaries and protection for the people.

Let’s zoom in on the image here. The Israelites saw the tangible presence of God leading and guiding them day and night. Even though the Israelites cried out in complaints and weariness from the journey that felt purposeless to them, God’s presence continued to guide them.

Here is one of the challenges we face when experiencing unexpected pain and suffering: We can believe there is an underlying meaninglessness to what we’re facing. But through uncovering these details within the story of Israel in the wilderness, we see there is not a single moment of our hardship and hurt that is not used by God to bring forth a greater good and purpose.

God was not unaware of the needs of the Israelites. And God is not unaware of your deepest needs.

03 The question isn’t so much about the direction in which God is leading us — it’s about our obedience along the way.

Think about where you are today. What might obedience to God look like here?

The pillar of cloud by day and pillar of fire by night didn’t just lead God’s people; it also served as a protective boundary.

The people always knew how far ahead they could go. This clear boundary gave them a visible marking of what too far would be. Too far would simply be to step in front of the pillar of cloud or fire, putting them outside or ahead of the presence of God and the pace of His leading.

04 Have you experienced the Lord leading you or revealing a boundary to you? What did that look like?

Jesus is “the light of the world.”

JOHN 8:12

When Jesus says He is the “light of the world” in John 8:12, it is a promise of orientation and direction. Just like the pillar of cloud by day and pillar of fire by night provided direction for the Israelites, we have this same guide in the person of Jesus.

In the darkest moments of our life, when we feel unseen, disregarded or abandoned, we can remember that the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness cannot overcome it (John 1:5). Wherever the Light of Christ is, there is hope. This isn’t just a good-sounding Christian slogan. This is truth. And sometimes it’s helpful to speak this out loud over whatever you are facing. Remember, lies flee in the presence of truth, just like darkness flees in the presence of light.

Jesus is “the way, and the truth, and the life.”

JOHN 14:6

Where there is the light, there is the promise of life. John 1:4 says,

In Him was life, and the life was the light of men.

In Jesus, we find the life all of humanity longs for. And we can also be assured that Jesus will guide us along our way through the Truth of His Word and His presence.

Jesus is the “good shepherd” who promises to lead His people.

JOHN 10:11; JOHN 10:27

Sheep depend on the care and protection of a shepherd, and we can depend on the care of Jesus as our Good Shepherd. Read the words of Jesus in John 10:27–28:

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.

This takes some humility to lean into His guidance, but we also need to grow attuned to the voice of Jesus so we can obey when He is speaking to us. In the hard, desolate places in our lives, it can feel like Jesus is absent. But if we take a moment to pause, be silent, watch, and really listen, we can both see the light of His presence and hear the comfort of His voice.

God’s presence never departed from the Israelites, and Jesus is with us even now. We pray today that you found yourself comforted and cared for even in the hardest place you could find yourself in.

Take heart, friend. He is with you."

Excerpted with permission from 30 Days with Jesus by Lysa TerKeurst and Joel Muddamalle, copyright Lysa TerKeurst and Joel Muddamalle.

[smytherines]

No lie I've been thinking about this ever since I watched the new episode last night. Because Owen is an actor, he can disappear into a role, into a made up character. But would he be able to play himself before the fall? To play a version of himself that hasn't had his trust in Curt absolutely shattered yet, that doesn't remember the things Owen remembers?

To me, I think Owen would convince himself he could do it, play the role, not let himself get attached, tell himself he has the upper hand here, but I think the injuries and all those pesky feelings surrounding them would eventually trip him up.

Spyverance Owen has a prosthetic leg, he has burns and scars all over his body, and most importantly he has the memory of a long, painful recovery process where he is totally dependent on the people around him (Chimera) to survive. During that recovery process he had nothing but time to ruminate about what happened to him, and I think part of that kinda toxic sludge he's swimming in would have to do with his own self image and how he imagines Curt would react to what has happened to him.

In a1p1 we see them both fixing their hair, popping their collars, checking each other out, I think it's safe to say that physical attraction was a big factor for them. So I imagine post-fall Owen would believe that Curt wouldn't want him anymore, wouldn't be attracted to him, would be disgusted by him (which is part reasonable to assume and part projection of his own feelings about his new disabilities). That even if Curt stayed it would only be out of obligation.

I think Owen would believe that Curt wanted him, maybe even loved him, when he was self-sufficient and attractive and capable and whole, but that Curt isn't reliable or responsible enough to care for somebody who is struggling to care for themselves. Not in the long term, at least. And that's part of what builds up this anger and resentment toward Curt: the idea that he created this new version of Owen, one that he couldn't love

So being confronted with this version of Curt, who has no obligation to their history, no Big Terrible Mistake he is trying to make amends for, who wants Owen and loves him and doesn't care about the leg or the burns, who shows genuine concern for him, it like... violates this idea Owen has reinforced in his mind post-fall that Curt wouldn't want him as he is now.

Then the big question for me is how Owen would respond to that. Would that soften his position towards Curt? Would having to "fake" affection between them start to break down that mental wall Owen has? Would Curt be able to get into his head, no matter how hard Owen tries to detach from the situation? Would Owen start to empathize with the version of himself that exists on the severed floor? Or would he double down on his cruelty toward the innies in a desperate bid to maintain that mental distance?

Like on one hand, here's evidence that Curt can love him and want him, not out of obligation but out of sincere feeling. On the other hand, Curt M. is sort of an idealized version of Curt, namely because he can't drink and he can't leave, which I imagine were always Owen's biggest issues with their relationship. That Curt is an alcoholic, and the alcohol only amplifies whatever he is feeling, so sometimes he's a sappy lovey drunk, sometimes he's morose and sour and miserable to be around, it's inconsistent and chaotic and can lead to more danger on the job, and (for me at least) Owen is afraid of it and exhausted by it. And that Curt is never going to quit spying, so he will always be leaving. And that Curt is so uncomfortable with the big things he feels and how vulnerable that makes him, so I always imagine his emotional dysregulation makes him spark a lot of conflict and then immediately try to hit the bricks to avoid dealing with it.

So how would Owen respond? I genuinely don't know. He has power relative to the innies, but I assume at this point he has figured out that Chimera did this on purpose, used him (a figure he has mentally separated from Owen C.) as a guinea pig to test the Severance procedure. Does that change how he responds?

With the Helly/Helena thing, Mr. Smy was immediately like "what if that's Helena??" But I could honestly see it going either way. She definitely raises suspicions by lying about what she experienced (Irving made it outside and knows it was night and snowing), but MDR is the only home Helly has, her only family, so I can see her lying because she feels like nobody will ever trust her or tolerate her again if they know she's an Eagan. She tried to hurt herself and kill herself to escape, the only thing keeping her going at this point is the thought of bringing Lumon down with the family she has grown to love. She has feelings for Mark S. and can't stand the thought of him rejecting her for being an Eagan. It's not great, obviously, but it's a very powerful motivation to lie.

Her insistence that the innies and outies are different and they do not owe the outies anything makes me think it is actually Helly R. telling a lie out of self-preservation, which I could definitely see Owen C. doing in a similar situation. Which raises very interesting questions about culpability here. They are technically the same person, but how much responsibility does Helly R. have for the decisions Helena makes? How much responsibility does Owen C. have for the decisions Owen makes?

God I love this au so much, two great tastes that taste great together istg

I've seen a lot of debate after the season 2 premiere about whether or not Helly R. is herself or Helena. I'll probably do a proper post about my position in that, but going back to spyverance: what if Owen went down to the severed floor as himself, not Owen C.?

He would say it's just to gather some info about Curt M. and what the other innies are up to, try to infiltrate as one of them in a less threatening way that Barb could ever do as a higher up. However, would he be able to be face to face with Curt? And not just Curt, a Curt that's earnestly in love with him? A Curt that hasn't commited some dreadful mistakes yet, but who is capable of doing them? We all know Owen is an actor, and he might be able to go through with it numbing his feelings and losing himself in the role- But a part of that role, something he might realize far too late, involves being in love with Curt, and I don't think he can step into those shoes again.

[unwelcome-ozian]

Hello. I was wondering if you could help me understand how to help a survivor of the Family international (formerly children of god) who recently left the cult. More specifically the groups in the uk.

My siblings and I grew up in the cult and my sister and I managed to get away as teenagers. Now I could get one of my younger brothers to leave our family and live with me. I just want to make sure I do things right with him.

I went through years of being hospitalised and therapy to deal with the trauma and bipolar disorder. My sister was always the person who understood and supported me the most, which definitely helped me manage. She respectfully told me she doesn’t want to interact with our brother because it would be too triggering for her, which I understand. But I’m afraid I’m not as strong as her and am too unstable to really help my him.

I don’t remember most of my upbringing and only get into contact with it through flashbacks, so I can’t relate to the beliefs they planted inside his head.

If it helps, our family used to live in Scotland but we moved to Liverpool when I was very young. My parents were still involved in the cult and we moved around from time to time to “recruit” others. My sister and I left in ca 2012, I was born in 1999. My brother who’s now living with me is 18. Sorry if this is all to vague or if this is beyond what you do here. Thank you. -L

Hello.  I have thought a lot about your question.  If I understand correctly, the brother in question is living with you, or was at the time of your writing this note? If I am mistaken, please feel free to correct me.

It is difficult to say what your brother’s needs may be initially other than safety.  You may have to assess his safety need and come up with a plan to help him if there are any concerns in that area.  While you are focusing on providing safety and stability for the time being, it may be helpful for you to talk with your support people or build support for yourself that will help in encouraging you and helping you for when times are difficult with your brother.  Until you know what his needs are, relating with him with kindness, consistency and good boundaries, in such a way that he experiences safety in his relationship with you, will build trust and equity in your relationship.

 As you relate with him in ways that do not employ control tactics, with acceptance and patience, and interest in him as a person, it may create cognitive dissonance regarding some of his beliefs or patterns of relating, that may cause him to begin to open his mind to different ways of thinking thinking and experiencing life.  There may be some trauma responses that have already come to awareness.  You may be able to discuss ways that could help him feel safe and more in control when he starts to feel anxious or dysregulated.  It's possible that you will have the opportunity to engage in conversations that can bring healing. Or it may be the reliability of your presence that will still have a positive impact, even if you don’t know what it is until much later.  This is because it sometimes takes a really long time to believe the care that you are receiving isn't going to go away. He may not think he needs mental health help, and it may take him a bit of time out of that environment for him to know what he needs.  If he is open to seeking therapy, helping him find that kind of support may be helpful.  One thing that is important is that you let him lead the way in his own healing.  There are ways to help increase a person’s positive energy, which may be helpful, without a focus on healing.  If he enjoys fun or creative things, providing opportunities to just live and be playful may be good for his soul.

Lastly I would encourage you to have a priority of your own continued healing and growth.   Make sure that you can both experience compassion for him and at the same time still experience your own joy for other parts of your life.  This will help you to continue to be there for him for the long haul.

I recently posted a link to a website that had some educational resources for people getting out of cults.  I’ll post that again here.  Please let us know if you have any other questions.   I wish you and your brother well.

~Josha

[variousqueerthings]

Johnny and ADHD

alright, I’ve wanted to write something about ADHD Johnny for awhile now.

Waaay back in February @deliciousbananavoidpurse made this post and I made some haphazard additions, but now, at last, I ramble!

This isn’t really an addition to that list so much as a... idk, seeing it from an almost fic-but-kind-of-meta point of view. Those points In Practise, with an additional young Johnny.

1.

Johnny’s a kid. He and his mom have been living hand-to-mouth for as long as he remembers, in and out of schools, in and out of apartments and cars. Of course he’s going to be flighty, spaced-out, unfocused.

He’s an easy target – not very big (he doesn’t get a lot of good meals), dirty clothes, and… weird. He gets beaten up sometimes, but mostly he sticks as much to himself as he can and doesn’t go to school if he can help it. Laura saves up and gets him a walkman.

After that it’s like the world doesn’t exist to him at all.

She thinks that’s easier than trying to make him live in it. But he deserves better. They both do. So she makes a decision that changes everything…

2.

Johnny’s not going hungry these days. In fact, he eats constantly, like he’s making up for lost time. His clothes are new and he gets anything he wants. He’s enrolled in school properly.

But Johnny himself doesn’t change much. He’s vibrating with an energy he can’t explain – normal for boys – he skips school, he goes off somewhere in his own mind, struggles with making friends, gets into fights he can’t win, and all day he listens to music. Still skinny, still flighty, still weird.

Tries new things that become all-encompassing for him and drops them one day to the next – normal for boys, all normal for boys – and then -

3.

Johnny sees those boys: Tall, broad, leather jackets, rad bikes, shining, beautiful. He watches them through the window for hours, transfixed in a way only riding his bike and listening to music used to do. 

He joins Cobra Kai.

And finally, like a dam breaking, he focuses. He focuses like he’s a machine. Like nothing else matters. He takes everything happening at home, every beating he ever took, every failing grade (he tries, but school never manages to matter – the other Cobras help, simply by being there and sometimes especially Bobby forces him to sit down and write a paper, but he’ll never be smart, that’s fine), and he puts them into his fist.

He trusts Kreese to tell him what to think, what to feel, what to do. Finally, finally, everything makes sense. It’s just him and his body and someone he trusts telling him what to do with it. 

Nothing else matters.

4.

There are other things that matter. 

He’s getting his life in order so he can leave Sid’s and take his Mom with him. He’s going to be the right kind of boyfriend to Ali. He’ll do well enough in his final year to make up for the previous ones, and he’s got karate, and Kreese, who’s telling him he’s the champ. 

Who he can trust.

But he gets into trouble, he drinks, his grades continue to slip, and suddenly (or is it gradually, he can’t tell with time sometimes) Ali is telling him he’s changed – angry, volatile, forgetful, (okay he was always forgetful, but it’s getting worse – is karate the only thing he cares about?), but it’s fine, he can fix that too. He just has to change everything that doesn’t work. If he can be that good at karate, it just means he’s not trying hard enough everywhere else. Just needs to try harder.

Just. Easy. He has a plan. He has a hundred plans.

5.

It all blows up in his face and suddenly he’s faced with the truth: that there really is nothing he’s good for. Karate? What’s that ever gotten him? What else has he got to show for it? 

He’s still just the same kid he was – alright, he’s bigger, babes will stop and check him out, he’s learned how to charm people if he has to, but those are just scripts and they don’t work for long if he doesn’t have anything else to back them up and they bore him - they bore him in ways he thinks have gotta be different to what everyone else means when they say they’re bored. 

He doesn’t have a plan. He has a hundred plans. He doesn’t have anyone to tell him what to do. He doesn’t know what to do. He knows what to do.

He drinks more. What does it matter, he’s young, life’s short, there’s nothing he can learn now (and really, if you know a couple of things you can scrape by – when they turn off the lights he knows he forgot to pay the bills, when he gets arrested he knows he fucked up and let his emotions get away with him), and before he knows it it’s 2002.

6.

His mom dies. Robby is born. Someone smarter than him could figure out some kind of poetic meaning behind that, but he’s not smart, so he just lets the moments pass him by like everything else has passed him by.

He’s getting by with what he knows. The world outside is like a blur. He’s got what he’s always had: music, a car, his looks. He’s doing okay for someone in his mid-thirties who doesn’t know how to boil spaghetti and drinks first thing in the morning.

 Probably all the fighting. He kept it up, informally. Maybe because it’s too deep in his bones for him to let go of, even if it just reminds him over and over that he couldn’t take it. That he can’t take it.

He fights whenever it all gets to be too much and even the drinking doesn’t work. Sometimes he punches walls to fight himself. It’s like a sharp feeling that he can’t ignore that can only be silenced with fighting. The off-button.

7.

2017 (again, the past is a blur. 2017? what happened to thirty-five? What happened to being young? Someone who’s young is allowed to be like this, but he’s…)

He never owned a computer. He never learned new words or anything else that wasn’t immediately important. He makes a handshake deal, because his credit is shit, but also because he never figured out how contracts really work. He still struggles with bills (you can leave anything to the last minute and beyond and things can still turn out okay), struggles with communication. His old scripts don’t work any more and he can’t learn new ones. He’s forgotten enough promises he made to watch Robby’s matches or drive him to school – even his birthday sometimes, even when he writes it down and forgets where he wrote it down - that Robby wants nothing more to do with him. Forgets groceries. 

He’ll do or say something and people will look at him like he’s stupid and he doesn’t know why. He refuses to ask, because he just wants the looks to go away. He knows he’s stupid. He knows he can’t figure things out. He knows, okay? Shut up.

He’s not an alcoholic. He just drinks to wake up. To forget. To calm down (that electricity that existed in his body as a kid never went away, even though he’s so so tired. The machine inside of him that won’t shut off without a fight, won’t let him stop moving). To sleep. To drink. To do something.

He sees Miguel and has a hundred new plans. He sees the future like it’s right there and a million miles away. He was never good at implementing long-term plans. He thinks maybe karate can save him, just like it did when he was a kid. 

8.

There’s something wrong with his brain. Has been all his life. That’s not how he was told, he was given a bunch of tests and gently informed – undiagnosed it can lead to some of the problems you’ve had, it’s normal, it’s okay – like he’s dying of cancer. But that’s the gist of it. He didn’t fuck up because he didn’t try hard enough, he was always going to fuck up. That doesn’t make him feel better.

It means quitting the alcohol is gonna fail. It means he really is stupid. It means he could’ve never been the kid his mom needed. It means he was easy for Kreese to manipulate. It means Robby could be fucked up too and he’s failed him again. It means he’s not worth the time and pain that people invest in him, like his mom, Ali, Shannon, Robby, Bobby, Miguel, Carmen, Daniel -

“Hey.”

It means he’s got Emotional Dysregulation. Translated: he’s the kind of man who has to work extra hard not to cry (explains why he was such a pussy as a kid. Also explains all the pain in his chest and throat right before roughly... 70% of his most recent fights). And fuck, he just failed.

“What?” Anger is better. It’s also a dysregulation apparently, but it’s better than being weak.

“It’s okay,” says Daniel, and of course he’d think that – he’s never seen a nameable problem he didn’t wanna fix, but didn’t you hear LaRusso, you can’t fix this. Never could. 

“It’s not about fixing,” answers Daniel. “It’s about understanding. It’s about knowing who you are. If you know who you are, you can make a choice.”

“What kinda choice do I have?”

Daniel shrugs. “You chose to take in Miguel. You chose not to fight me, more times than I chose to fight you in the last couple of years. You chose that you wanted to know who you were. And you chose to try being sober. Those are all good decisions in my book. Anything else… we can figure things out from here. Trust me.”

He places a hand on the back of Johnny’s neck, grounding him. Daniel has that power. The power to make everything okay for a second. 

Johnny thinks: Please tell me what to do. I was always okay once you gave me something to do. Like karate. Figuring things out is… too abstract. Eventually though, he knows, if he’s patient, Daniel will tell him what to do next. 

He just has to trust him.

9. (Extra: things Johnny does, because of the brain he has)

Johnny trusts easily, despite it all. He’s honest (and sometimes too literal). He’s passionate. He’s driven. He’s loving. He feels, so so much. He’s protective and he’s loyal. He tries his hardest, even when everything – including his own brain – refuses to help. He believes in second chances for others (and he’s beginning to believe in it for himself). He’s good with kids when he lets himself be. He’s learning to be gentle with himself and others. He’s learning that bravery takes many shapes. He’s learning that he can learn, and he’s learning what he needs for that to happen. He’s a good mentor. He’s learning to be a better friend. He’s kind. He’s honourable. He’s trying to rectify his own mistakes, and he’s trying not to let the mistakes of others continue to impact his life. He’s moving forwards.