#paying for food when i can barely feed myself

[vacantgodling]

tbh as i age i have increasingly less interest in having pets

[kawaiijohn]

Help a queer family of disabled nerds

Hey my name is Dante, I live in the Midwest with three of my best friends. We have four cats, one of which is my babyman whom I love very dearly.

His name is Latke Library Card Mango (LLCM). He's very orange and he's the light of my boyfriend, Kris, and I's life.

Cat pics are great right? Have a few.

A few months ago, latkes chronic bladder stones condition acted up which resulted in two emergency vet visits and a week long stay with his actual vet to get the stone removed.

It was the size of a chickpea.

Here's a photo of his post surgery when he had a nakie tummy. He was very very happy to see us.

He's since recovered, but the cost of this put us back around 1300 dollars in total. He's now on a special diet with rather pricey food to prevent this from happening but it might still act up eventually.

We've paid down some of his debt, but the interest is making it become more and more as we try to pay it down.

On top of this, our pipes backed up into our basement and refused to work suddenly a few weeks ago. We live in a house that is over a century old, and the clay pipes keep getting roots growing into them that causes them to not drain.

The roto had to come out and high pressure the roots out to clear them (which required expensive equipment), This put us back another grand.

To add to everything, our 700+ auto insurance bill is due in November, which is the worst time for this bill to need due, but both myself and Kris drive over ten miles to work during different shifts on opposite ends of town- neither of our jobs have public transit anywhere near them.

We are currently barely making ends meet-

I am a lunch lady at a public high school. I love my job. I feed kids who possibly don't even eat at home some days. I do work I am proud of.

However, I can only work around 25 hours a week without risking losing my insurance as a disabled person. My job does not have longer hour positions available, and I am too disabled to work more than this without ruining my body like I have done in the past.

I have been going without buying groceries out of fear that what little money I have in my account will be needed in an emergency. I will be out of work for a week this month, around Thanksgiving, and during Xmas break- unpaid due to me working in a school. Me being out also means no guaranteed meal every day.

Kris works in a factory. He is currently working 55+ hours a week to make what we can to pay off the bills and keep our house. He only has one and a half knees that hurt all the damn time and is barely eating either just to afford everything. His factory keeps calling for sudden shutdown weeks with little notice at the worst times, and he's the main breadwinner in the house for us.

The other two in our household, one is severely disabled and can barely work 10 hr/week (he is waiting on hearing back to receive SSI) on top of having multiple medical appointments a week to figure out what is wrong with his body and why it keeps failing. The other is a freelance artist who is working her butt off to make money while carting the previous to appointments nearly every day. She is full up on commissions at the moment, but when she opens them I'll reblog her posts.

I really didn't want to make this post. I hate asking for help. But we are drowning and there's no sign of land. None of us can afford to live on our own, nor can we move back in with our parents for various reasons.

All I'm asking for is some help. I don't care how much. Five dollars is five dollars. Five dollars is half an hour less we have to kill ourselves to make ends meet.

Even if we don't make the full amount, every dollar will help us get a bit closer to paying this stuff down so we can afford gas and regular grocery trips again instead of having to save up to go once a month like we are currently doing.

Our goal is 2000 dollars.

Yes, this is the high amount. I do not believe we will ever reach it. I can hope we can raise this much at some point.

But for now that's the dream number.

It's the number that is looming over our heads, telling us to pay up or lose our home.

It's not something we need this very moment, but just what we need in the next few months to be able to afford living without destroying our body or working three jobs/ridiculous hours.

We thank anyone who can spare a few bucks to help us, and if you can't afford it just pass this post along to someone who might be able to.

Please send as friend/family if you can, PayPal is threatening to withhold money sent as transactions now if you receive over a certain amount.

This includes sending things through my ko-fi account- so here's the preferred methods:

Progress:

388.74/2,000

Thank you for reading. I love you.

[smuddee-papabear]

naga partner manhandles you with their tail 🙏

Ooh I love nagas. You didn't specify gender so I'm going to make both gender neutral

gender neutral reader X gender neutral naga

Tw: rough handling, biting kink

---

Most mornings were easy, your partner was too busy warming up on their heating pad to complain too hard about you going into work. The day would start with you wriggling your way from their sizable tail before taking a shower. You'd get your breakfast and coffee before leaving after giving them a peck on the cheek.

Some mornings, however, they wouldn't let you go without a fight. This was one of them.

"I have to go into work." You know they won't care about that the moment their tail wraps your leg.

Your naga lets out a huffy sigh, tail trailing up. "I could provide you with everything you need without that silly job getting in the way."

"That silly job pays for your food bill." You tease, turning to look at them. It was a mistake. The way the morning light shines on their gorgeous scales is far too distracting. "And your heat pad."

Your naga partner clearly doesn't like that assessment. Their expression darkens slightly. "I can feed us both and I don't need a fancy pad to warm myself."

"Oh no?" Your raised eyebrow is another mistake.

You yelp as a strong force shoves unexpectedly on your chest. Before you know it you're wrapped in a coil and pushed into the floor right in front of them.

Your breath is knocked out of you, and not just from the force of it. Naga!Partner's eyes gleam with satisfaction as they loom above you. You're sure they can feel the jump in your heart rate. A devilish smile crosses their face.

"If you think I can't, get out of my coils and go into work."

For a moment you stare open mouthed at them. Get out of their coils? How does this prove that they can provide for you?

Finally you start wriggling against the well muscled body, trying to ignore how intently your naga watches. It doesn't take long before you're out of breath.

Unwilling to admit defeat you start kicking your legs and manage to make minor headway. Before you can be proud of that you hear tutting from Naga!Partner and another section of tail wraps your legs before you're yanked upside-down and dangled in front of the naga's eyes.

Heat flushes your face. "Hey! I was doing what you told me to!" A chaste kiss to your lips has you too flustered to splutter out more of your indignance.

"Are you just giving up?" The smug tone causes your blush to spread further.

You try to curl up and grab their tail but are stopped when they use another coil to shove up into your back, arching it almost uncomfortably. Once again the breath is knocked from your lungs.

You barely have time to get it back before Naga!Partner shifts the end of their tail to force your legs open just enough to put you in a very vulnerable position. They tease your crotch with the tip.

Despite what you should be wanting, to get free, a sharp moan escapes your mouth.

Your naga's breath tickles the back of your neck and sends shivers through your body. "I can provide for you." Their hiss is somehow so loving and so angry at the same time.

You open your mouth but are embarrassed the only thing leaving it is a breathy whine. Something cold and flat slides into your hand. Only a moment goes by before you realize what. Your phone; a clear demand to call in sick.

It takes effort but you manage to speak without another whine. "I have-...I have to work."

"No," Naga!Partner's teeth skim the skin on your neck. You can feel their fangs trail along. Goosebumps form where they do. "I can provide for you."

"Need...need t wo-work...!" You manage to choke out. To be honest you don't really care about it anymore. Your heart is racing, body throbbing with every shift of your naga's muscles, mind foggy with need.

Their fangs push into your skin. It's not enough to break it but it is enough to cause a jolt through your shaking frame. "I will provide you with what you need today."

You call in sick, and just as promised your Naga!Partner provides all you need and more.

[linos-luna]

Ask and you shall receive 💕

———————————————————————

My Queen (Pt. 2) 🔪

Yandere!Hyunjin x Fem!Reader

Warning: Yandere, 18+, delusions, Stockholm Syndrome?, Soft Sex, drinking

(Pt. 1) (Pt. 2) (Pt. 3) (Pt 4)

———————————————————————

Another two weeks has passed. Your shoulder was finally healing but still sore. A weak point, if you may. You felt that the longer you were here, the more Hyunjin’s mind slipped into this delusion. And while you were technically his prisoner, it wasn’t all that bad…

Hyunjin was able to gather more of your items from your house as the days went by. He would also bring you new things as gifts. You wondered if any friends or family had realized you were missing. Were they even looking?

Whatever was happening in the outside world, it didn’t matter to Hyunjin. He was too busy with you. Loving you. Serving you. Spoiling you.

He would barely let you walk, opting to carry you bridal style anywhere he went. He dressed you everyday and would fix your hair. If you didn’t comply, he’d be angry but try and control himself to not hurt you. It was hard sometimes. He was very unpredictable and some days were like walking on eggshells.

A cheesy rom com played as you sat on the couch. A blanket rested on your lap as you waited for the man to finish cooking. You weren’t paying much attention to the movie and fiddled your thumbs on your lap.

Hyunjin soon came out of the kitchen, setting some dishes on the dining table.

“Dinner is ready, my love.” He said with a smile while taking your hand.

At the table you see a tasty steak dinner. You didn’t know he could make something like that. But maybe he looked it up online.

Hyunjin pulled your hair behind your shoulders before sitting next to you.

The steak was cut up in small pieces and vegetables nicely aligned with the rice. A glass of wine was there as well, nearly halfway full. Seemed like a lot.

You were about to take the fork to begin before Hyunjin stopped you.

“How about I feed you today.” He said while taking the fork. “A queen shouldn’t have to lift a finger.”

“I… I can feed myself…”

“My love, I insist.” He took your hand and looked at you with desperation.

He hasn’t been so serious about feeding you before so this was unsettling. But the least you could do was feed yourself.

“No… Hyunjin… I don’t—”

Hyunjin suddenly squeezed your hand tight. And it was very tight. The grip had you whimpering as your finger bones were squeezed together. Needless to say that it hurt a lot.

“I’ll feed you tonight.” He said sternly, suddenly getting very serious.

“H-hurts… you’re hurting me…” you whimpered and he quickly let go. Almost as soon as he went serious, he was back to himself.

“I’m sorry, darling!” He pleaded while kissing your hand. “I must’ve hurt your frail bones!”

You sighed as he began to feed you. The food was actually delicious and you ate the whole thing.

Hyunjin took a sip of the wine before holding it to your lips.

You were about to grab it when he slapped your hand away and tilted the glass for you to drink. You weren’t exactly fond of red wine but if you didn’t drink, it would just get everywhere.

The bitter drink went down your throat fairly quick and he was already preparing another glass.

“One is okay…” you said as you felt your cheeks getting warm. It must be a strong wine as you were already feeling buzzed.

“Nonsense.” He said before putting it to your lips again.

Drinking it again definitely left you buzzed and your mind was getting a little fuzzy. Nothing too crazy but you definitely weren’t sober.

“Was it good?” He asked. “I only buy the best for you.”

You nodded and he smiled with joy as he helped you to your feet.

“Um… Jinnie?” You had an idea, not sure how it would go.

“Yes, darling?” He replied quickly.

“I… I was wanting to um…” you looked down, feigning shyness. “N-never mind…”

He instantly got on his knees before you and held your hand. “No what is it, my love? Anything! I’ll do it!”

“I just… I wanted…” you paused for a moment, hoping that if you use his lingo, perhaps it’ll entice him more. “I want to… take a stroll… around the castle…”

“Why of course!” Hyunjin said before standing up and holding your cheek. “My queen needs her activities, right.”

You nodded as he took your hand and led you to the bedroom.

He got you a coat and held your hand as he started walking you from the room to the kitchen.

“Um… how about outside?”

“Outside?” He paused. “But we are strolling your castle.”

“But… but I wish to see the garden!” You said quickly. “Surely there is a lovely garden. All castles have one. You know?”

“Of course!” He blinked as if coming out of a thought. “I will take you there immediately!”

After putting on your shoes, he took you out to the backyard.

Now his backyard wasn’t anything special; in fact, it was quite small. There wasn’t really much of a garden either.

There was a small tree to a side and on rose bush. Trees from the neighbor’s yard carried over into his, leaving some apples hanging on the side. Other than that, the grass was almost dead.

“Wow.” You said awkwardly while looking around.

“I’m glad you like it, my love.” He said while kissing your cheek. “I was sure to fill it with the most beautiful flowers just for you.”

He motioned in a direction that had nothing, only dirt where a flowerbed could be.

“Hyunjin… there’s nothing there…”

“Nothing there?! Of course there is!” He chuckled and went to the area, reaching out as if he plucked a real flower. “I was sure to plant the prettiest flowers. The castle garden must be as gorgeous as you.”

You laughed nervously as he put the nonexistent flower in your hair and admired you.

“I-it’s… a lovely pink…”

“Pink?! My dear, that is purple.” He laughed. “The wine must be messing with your head.”

Hyunjin continued to walk you around, avoiding some spots as if plants were actually there. It worried you a bit.

“Jinnie… may I see the garden up front?”

“No.” He said bluntly.

“Why not?”

“Because someone will try and steal you away!” He said frantically.

You stepped back for a moment as he calmed himself.

“It’s getting dark.” He said while looking up to the sky. “Let’s go in.”

After settling down, you were in a nightgown. You waited for him to come back from turning out the lights in the kitchen and living room. He then came in with another two glasses of wine. Both half full.

You were still a bit buzzed from the last two glasses and looked at him confused as he raised it to your lips.

“Jinnie… haven’t I had enough?”

“Tonight is special.” He smiled while tilting it, making you gulp it down pretty fast.

With that, you were definitely past buzzed. Tipsy is more like it. Your mind was a little fuzzy and vision delayed. You only looked at him with drooping eyelids.

He gave you a kiss on the lips before pushing you on your back. For a moment, you snapped back into reality and saw him looking down at you. And yet… you had no ambition to move.

“Let me please you tonight.” He said while holding your cheek. “I promise to be gentle.”

You opened your mouth to speak but nothing came out.

“Let me worship your body as a queen deserves.” He added while rubbing your side and delivering another kiss to your lips. But this one was deep and filled with more passion.

As he kissed you, you found yourself doing the unthinkable. Kissing him back. Surely it must be the alcohol that was clouding your judgement!

Hyunjin loved when you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, deepening the kiss and making soft moans.

His hands were under your nightgown, lightly groping you as he pushed his tongue through. And you? Well you didn’t fight it.

“Please, my love.” He whispered against your lips. “Let me love you…”

His hand was already at the waistband of your panties and you could feel yourself getting aroused by his touch.

“Okay…”

“Hm?” Hyunjin paused, holding your cheeks while looking into your eyes.

“You can….”

“I can show you my love?”

“Yes….”

You couldn’t believe what you were saying. Your mouth must have a mind of its own! No way! Surely you weren’t in the right mind! Right?

“Thank you my love!” He said before continuing to make out with you.

“My dear queen…” he gasped between kisses to your neck. “No one is as fair as you… nor as beautiful…”

You blushed. His complements always felt good. Hyunjin kissed your breasts and nipples over the nightgown and slowly lowered your underwear.

They were already wet. Very wet actually. He quickly stripped of his pants and boxers, already noticeably hard.

He teased your hole with his cock making you gasp softly before he slowly entered.

A fairly tight fit, but felt so good.

“My queen…” he grunted as he started to thrust. “So tight…”

You moaned at even the slightest of moment and it got more and more breathy as he continued.

He held your wrists above your head with one hand while holding you cheek with the other. He passionately kissed you, swallowing your noises as he made love to you.

The feeling was amazing. So warm and comforting. For a moment you forgot about everything in the world and the situation at hand. What situation? He was loving you. Taking care of you and giving constant praise,

It all accumulated to when you had your euphoric orgasm. One that you hadn’t had in a long time.

After coming himself, Hyunjin pulled out and gave a few more sloppy kisses before resting next to you.

You only stared up at the ceiling. Where are you? What is happening?

“I need to use the restroom, darling.” He said while walking out. “Ill be right back.”

When hearing the bathroom door close, you stumbled to your feet and made your way to the front room.

Your mind was still clouded but it was clear enough to see that the front door was unlocked. Perfect.

You went to it. Excited for the taste of freedom but then you paused.

Your hand laid on the doorknob but you did nothing.

Open it! The voice of reason pleaded. But you didn’t.

He’ll be devastated if you leave! Right? Or is it that… you wanted to stay…?

No way! That’s crazy talk! Why would you want to stay with the man who kidnapped you?? The man that took you from your life! … Your boring and mundane life… A life where no one cherishes you like he does…

You shake your head at the absurd internal arguments and twist the knob. Before you do anything, you hear Hyunjin call out to you.

“My love?! Where are you?!”

Your heart was pounding. It’s now or never.

“Darling, what are you doing here?” Hyunjin chuckled as he entered the kitchen.

And there you were. Leaning against the stove, away from the now locked front door.

“I just… wanted a snack…”

[furiousgoldfish]

While growing up in an abusive family, a part of me strongly refused to grow up, in fact it's still resisting it. I thought at first, it was because I was taught that I am less and less valuable as I age, but it wasn't only that. It turns out, growing around mostly abusive people, can give you some horrifying notions of what it means to be an adult.

I am going to write down how I perceived adulthood, as an abused kid, because I need to work on it myself, and if there's somebody else feeling this, know that these are not your only option for a future:

All adults are stupid, unkind, boring, bitter, aggressive, obsessed with money, do not understand people around them at all.

All adults have to play specific roles assigned to them and don't step outside of these roles. For instance: mother, grandma, father, aunt, teacher, uncle, neighbour. All roles are restrictive and people can only do whatever is assigned to this role (cleaning, cooking, working a job, going to army, being married, etc)

Adults can't play, be curious, or have fun. Adults have to be focused on their role and stay grumpy, serious, bitter and busy. They don't laugh except when drunk.

Adults are having it tougher than children. They are unloved, uncared for, nobody considers them nice or pretty, nobody wants them around or gives them gifts. Adults are permanently unwanted and undesired everywhere.

Adults have good opinions only of people who are already dead. Everyone alive is constantly being humiliated, shamed and criticized. It's better to be dead.

Adults don't care about children, and only think the worst of children. Adults think children should only exist to work and to be yelled at. Adults are dangerous.

Adults don't care about friendships, loyalty, kindness, courage, bonds, closeness, care, or love. Adults friendships are drinking and smoking in the same room while talking badly about every other person in their life. They don't play, laugh or share things. It's a big game of pretense that the other has it better.

Adults lie and fake everything. They lie about their home life, about what they know, about money. They lie about, and to their children. They tell lies confidently. They make things up if they don't know and then tell those lies as if they're truths. They don't feel guilt if caught lying and instead double down on it.

Adults have money but they can't spend it. They have to keep paying bills and they never have enough money for bills and food. They will buy alcohol and cigarettes though, but they're always stressed about bills. They consider it children's fault.

Adults are endlessly stressed about having to 'feed a family'. This is so bad that they actually end up hating their families. They wish all of their children were dead so they wouldn't have to feed them. They can't seem to stop having children but also hate feeding them. It's like they're forced into it.

Adults have to work constantly. They work their jobs and have to do endless chores when they get home. They have to get up early to do chores and do them late at night. They have to do everything alone, unless they can get a child to do it for them. They can't select not to do it, they have to shift it to someone else to avoid it. Adults have no free time, or hobbies. They have to work at all times and always know what needs to be done.

 Adults have bodies that work less and less. They can't run, climb or jump. They're always having surgeries and can barely walk. Their backs and hips hurt and they complain about the pain every time they need to do anything. They blame the work for this but can't stop working. They're still somehow stronger than children when they want to hurt children, and then they're fully mobile. But at all other times they appear sickly and need stuff done for them.

Adults never get over anything that ever happened to them. They're always victimized by everything that ever happened to them. We the children have to get over things instantly, but they are angry and bitter about the past forever. They hold grudges against family members forever. They freely take things out on other family members. They never forgive or forget or calm down.

Adults are not passionate about anything. Their main priority is looking good in front of others and convincing everyone they're better than they are.

Adults selectively care when someone is crying. If it's someone they don't know, they'll act nice about it. If they know the person they will tell them to shut up and stop annoying them. It's like they fall for strangers tears but see through anyone else's as pretense. I don't understand.

Adults die and then other adults get drunk at their funerals. They say you need to cry but they're only serious for the public part and then go and have parties where they just laugh with everyone. Adults don't care about the dead people but say you're not supposed to say anything bad about them now they're dead. They pretend they cared while the person was alive but they didn't. They obsessively clean and decorate graves just for others not to think they 'didn't care'.

Adults will betray anyone's secrets. Adults will tell other adults whatever you told them in confidence. Adults cannot be trusted with information.

Adults judge and badmouth anyone who doesn't act the way they think people are supposed to act. They will impose their own rules and morals on others and shame anyone who doesn't agree. They insist that everyone needs to follow their assigned family role even though they complain about hating their own. They use the most horrid slurs for people they consider 'bad at their role' and write these people off as parasites and worthless people

Adults all agree children should be obedient, quiet and never want anything or disturb them. They want children only to present them with achievements and work for the rest of time.

Adults have sex but nobody is supposed to say anything about it. It's unclear whether they want to be doing it. If it's a part of a role it doesn't seem like they can say no.

Adults can't be cared for or pampered like children can. Adults do not get candy or chocolate. Adults say it's because children are cute and they're not. Adults are jealous of children. Adults complain about not being cared for.

Adults don't understand how hard children have it and always say being a child is the easiest and best time of life. They seem jealous and tell children to be grateful because it's only going to get worse. I can't imagine surviving worse. They claim their childhood was better than anything they deal with now because food was free and they didn't have to have a job.

Adults have no freedom. They have to stay with family and play their role. They can't survive otherwise. They leech off of each other and hate everyone. They live by imposed rules that force everyone to stay together even if they hate each other. They hate everyone around them. They feel loyal to no one. They bring misery to themselves and people around them and don't feel shame or responsibility for anyone they've hurt or ruined.

Adults don't see others as people with their own inner world. They insist that everyone except them is stupid, shallow, mindless and worthless.

Adults are all cowards who will submit to anyone who is stronger and louder. They'll only fight those who are weaker. They don't care about justice and will happily punish victims in unfair fights. They themselves are bitter and upset if they don't get the justice.

Adults only ever look out for themselves. They don't care about other people. They want money and others to admire them and to serve them. If that is not happening they are angry and bitter at the entire world.

Adults don't see good in other people. They don't see what someone else needs or deserves. They don't care about adventures or magic. They don't have wonder or awe inside of themselves. They don't even look at beautiful things in front of them. They don't care about nature, animals or trees. They don't care about books or knowledge, or reading. They don't care about stories or legends. They don't care about people who suffer so badly they want to die. They judge people for suicide.

They don't care about creating or making something unless it can be sold for money. They don't even tolerate others doing it.

They love no one. Everything they do is a drag and a pain to them and they want to push their work on someone else all the time. They don't care about anything except money and how to get more attention and keep pretenses. They have no true friends or care for anyone. All they have is work, rules and roles they need to act. Their lives are meaningless. Even though they have money they cannot travel or use it for fun or joy. They don't think anyone should be free to do as they want. They have no dignity or honor but pretend they do when in company. They yell but pretend they're victims for 'having to yell'.

They don't care if someone wants to die because of their actions. They don't care for anyone who wants to live differently. People who live differently are worthless and stupid to them. They think they're the only ones who are always right even when they're always wrong.

Adults are convinced that when I grow up this will all make sense and I will grow up to be exactly like them

If you felt as a child, or still do, that these are the truths of adulthood, and something you'll end up becoming, it's not true, and it's mostly just abusers who live their lives in this manner. If this is the only thing you've ever known and seen as a child, adulthood would be terrifying and feel like you'd have to lose your soul in order to become like this.

I'll write another follow-up debunking these and writing what I feel adulthood is right now. It's just definitely not that. And living around people who act like this is normal, is traumatic.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for not taking my cat with me when I eventually move?

For some context, I(f,22) live in an apartment that connects to the house of my parents through the garden and the basement. I have lived here since I was 17, pay rent, utilities and all my groceries so I basically live alone, just that I can visit my family basically whenever. Our family has a small dog and 3 cats, all of the animals can move freely through the entire house and also go outside if they want (I know outside cats are a problem, it was not my decision nor can I change the situation bc these are not only my cats).

My boyfriend (m,23) and me are planning on moving out next year-ish and I was not planning on taking the cat that is technically mine. She was adopted from a farm when I was around 16, I was really depressed, self-harming, had an ed blah blah, so my mom actually agreed that I could get a kitten. My cat has helped me immensely through really tough times but she is a little bit... wild. When she wants to play she can bite and scratch quite hard, she scares the other cats and the dog and sometimes pees on rugs and other stuff. She is also an absolute sweetheart and super cuddly and funny, I have zero problems with her behaviors myself because I know when she is getting frustrated I have to give her some space, I never scream at her when she does accidentally hurt me while playing, she never pees in my apartment, I only scold her when she attacks the other cats (she only wants to play but the other cats are older and dont want to). I feel like if I write it down like that she does sound kind of like a nightmare but bad incidents happen very rarely and she has gotten a lot calmer with her age. So the problem is now that my mom wants me to take her with me when I move, which I would totally get if she wouldn't have said the exact opposite before. My mom always said that I shouldn't take my cat with me when I move because she needs to stay in her home, she has got the other cats (even tho they don't really like each other but sometimes they hang out or play), the garden and a forest, a really quiet neighborhood with no cars and a big house where there is always somebody home. If I would take her with me she would be in a relatively small apartment, probably couldn't go outside (I would move from a small town to the city), no other cats and so on. I feel like my mom just wants to punish me and my cat for some reason. For her/ my family it's not much more work and they have been feeding and caring for her since we got her (together with me of course) because even though she is technically mine she was more of a family cat from the beginning. I also would pay for everything vet, food, toys whatever. I don't even really understand why she seems to hate her so suddenly, I get it's super frustrating and gross when she pees somewhere but it's also an animal you can't make them understand reason and it doesn't happen frequently, also she is not the only cat that pees sometimes so I don't get why with her it seems to be such a problem. I know she is my responsibility and if it is really such an issue I will take her with me and try to make her the best life possible but I feel like it is so unnecessary. When I got her I was only 16 and not mature enough to realize what it means to have a pet, I also feel like my mom knew that i was not in the right mind to make decisions like that, i could barely take care of myself and was definitely not thinking even 2 years ahead. I always felt like it was an unspoken agreement that my cat was like all the other family cats just a little more mine. And it wasn't even really unspoken because she literally has said that I shouldn't take her with me because it would make my cat depressed. My mom also tells me to move out so she can rent out the apartment at a higher price, so it's not her way of making me stay at home. I also want to mention that my family treats all of the animals really well and my cat would not be in any danger if I would leave her home.

What are these acronyms?

[voilate]

An Eye for Snow (tbosas)

Pairings: Sejanus Plinth x Fem!Reader x Coriolanus Snow?

Summary: When Magnolia Hawthorne gets herself mixed up in the Rebel, Capital crossfire to protect her close friend Sejanus, how will she navigate the already strenuous situation alongside Coriolanus Snow? (7.3k)

⚠️: Death, Explosions, Mentions of Abuse, Fighting, Minimal Swearing, Arguing

The marble floor is icy cold, sending goosebumps up my bare legs. I curse myself for wearing a skirt before realizing that I’d prefer my choice of clothing soon enough, amidst the sweltering temperatures I’m soon to face during my walk to the Arena.

“Thank you so much,” I grin guiltily at Tigris, removing the steaming bowl of cabbage soup from her warm hands. A rather gross reoccurrence of a meal that is often prepared in the Snow house, but it’s better than no meal, and who am I to judge someone who can feed me?

My stomach grumbles at the remembrance of the large meal that was provided on the day of the reaping. It was almost impossible to not stuff myself full the second I was seated, and I now regret not taking some food home with me.

It was Coriolanus himself who forbid me from doing it, though I could tell he wanted to just as badly.

“Please.” She laughs, “You have got to stop emphasizing your thanks when you’re practically a member of this household. I would take as much joy in starving you as I would Coryo.”

“Starving me?” Coriolanus enters the living area as he adjusts his coat.

“I wouldn’t starve either of you.” She smiles, “Though, one mentor seems far more grateful for my cooking than the other.”

She teasingly pats his shoulder as he passes her by without recognition, which results in a defeated look plastered on her face.

“Alright well, you two better get going unless you want to be late for,” She pauses, “What is it that you guys are doing again?”

Coriolanus opens the front door, holding it there and looking back as if anticipating my arrival.

“Taking our tributes to the arena.” I tell her, jumping to my feet and placing my barely touched soup back into her hands, “Have you or Grandma’am eaten today?”

“We will.” She smiles softly. “Now go!”

I follow after Coriolanus, grabbing the rims of my skirt and curtsying dramatically after he shuts the door behind us.

He rolls his eyes, “Must you be so polite?”

“In what other way would I find pleasure in spiting you?” I tease, wrapping my arm around his extended invitation as we walk. “Did you remember her food?”

“Of course. Did you remember yours?”

“Of course.” I echo with a sigh, “Not that she’ll even take it. Hasn’t learned to trust me like your Lucy Gray trusts you.”

I eye him as he suppresses a smile and as if alluding to something else, note, “You mustn’t pretend to be someone else around me, you know.”

“And you mustn’t use such proper dialogue in the presence of I.” He mocks. “Isn’t it exhausting?”

“And how do you know this isn’t how I naturally speak?”

“I watch you calculate each word before you vocalize it.”

“Your claim reminds me of yourself.” His brow furrows, “I always know when you are about to speak publicly based on how much attention you pay to a conversation. How deep you are into wondering when the appropriate time to weigh in is, and what the exact words are. Isn’t that exhausting?”

“You’ve been spending too much time with Sejanus.” He chuckles.

“I’ve been spending too much time with you. Anyone could see it if they had the eye to.”

“Not everyone has the eye.”

“That they don’t.”

The newfound melancholy of the atmosphere deflates just as quickly as it arose. Silence replaces our lighthearted conversation.

I examine his distant expression, what is he thinking about? I’ve found myself wondering that a lot since the Hunger Games began, his constant empty gaze that suggests he’s here with you when his mind is elsewhere.

I open my mouth to comment on the heat, but his inhale slams my mouth shut.

“Any encounters with your father lately?”

Really? That’s what he was thinking about?

“Thankfully no.” I peer away, gazing out into the city that surrounds us as I pull my arm from his grasp, crossing both of my own over my chest. “Not since that night.”

He nods, digesting the newfound information before returning to his distant safe space. I can tell that wasn’t the only question on his mind but know he won’t dare ask another one. What does he think he’ll be taken as if he does? Inquisitive? Whatever the case, I drop it completely and pay my utmost attention to the anxiety that has been bundled in the pits of my stomach all morning. I make it a point to fully look away from Coriolanus as I allow the worries to take over my mind. Even the slightest scent of suspicion will turn him into a dog on our trail. Sejanus doesn’t understand that Coryo is all-knowing and that years of constant manipulation have granted him the ultimate access to everyone else’s deceits. He will undoubtedly find out sooner or later.

“Let’s hope it’s later rather than sooner.” Sejanus had half-heartedly joked, though I could tell he was just as nervous about the plan as I. Part of me wanted to tell Coriolanus. Fall onto my knees and confide in him how I had all those years ago. I want to explain that I have to help Sejanus otherwise he’ll get himself caught and hung. I used to find such warmth within Coryo, he gifted me a security that no one else could provide. Three years ago I would’ve never kept such a dire secret from him, but now? I’m not the same girl he rescued from an abusive, alcoholic father. I’m not the same girl he shielded from rumors after my moving in with him and I’m certainly not the same girl who cried tears of joy after the Rebels had been defeated.

I am a rebel now. At least in the eyes of the capital I am. I have one foot stuck in the mud of the rebel life, and the rest of me is still clinging to any Capital advantages I may be granted. The dirt on my shoe is a crime worth a rope in the sky, or worse. I sometimes recall the very last hangings that I witnessed, when the Rebels that had infiltrated the Capital were caught, and very cruelly charged. My stomach churns and I become queasy at the realization of the stark difference between my feelings towards their punishment then, and now.

I had to fight to maintain my scholarly reputation after all the ruckus about my situation broke out. I’m too afraid to disclose any information about my wanting to remain a virtuous capital student to Sejanus, who had originally begged me to keep away from the mess he had made of things. Now I’m entangled and can’t escape without risking either of our lives. The only person who could help me even begin to unravel this mess is a boy who could report me to Dr. Gaul without a second glance. I’m as good as a traitor no matter who catches me. Would Sejanus get himself killed? How far is Coriolanus willing to go for prosperity? He’s not the same boy either. He’s softer, and more understanding than he was before, all thanks to his little songbird, but I don’t think he would let me get away with this, even now.

“Everything alright?” His voice startles me back to the Capital Streets.

“Oh-“ I fumble, “Just thinking.”

“Enlighten me.”

An open invitation to admit to all of my wrongdoings, my mistakes. Maybe if I come clean I will be spared. I won’t be considered a rebel sympathizer, not just that, a rebel!

“I-“ I begin, but pause as my feet meet the entrance of the Arena. “Just my father.”

“Ah.” He nods as if understanding. “Well try to forget about that nonsense for right now, you have a tribute to attend to.”

I depart with a soft smile, leaving him at the rear of the line formed of tributes and mentors to fill the empty gap left next to Sabyn.

“Let’s go.” A peacekeeper orders, hoisting the bars above his head to allow us to file in.

Immediately our line diminishes into a clump, Sejanus and his tribute falling back to stand by my side as others just try to fill the small space. We take turns putting our assigned coin into the slot and stepping through the turnstiles, each being greeted with the same stimulating, “Enjoy the show!” I have to use my left hand to steady the trembling of my right as I attempt to fit the shaking coin through the compact hole. Finally, it falls in and clinks as it hits the bottom, signaling that I may walk through.

“Enjoy the show!”

I curl my hands into fists in a desperate attempt to stop the shaking that instantly flags me as guilty.

Don’t look scared.

I remind myself.

Don’t become a suspect.

“Enjoy the show!” Sejanus slips behind me, covertly situating his hand into mine. He brushes his thumb over the temple of my hand, soothing it to a light tremble.

I peer up at him expecting to exchange a look but he blankly stares off into the distance as if simply awaiting the arrival of the remainder of our group. I quickly avert my eyes to the Arena, which will soon be destroyed, hopefully to the extreme of canceling the Hunger Games which will send Marcus, Sabyn, and all the rest of the tributes home safely.

Suddenly that word swings back at me, whacking my newfound confidence like a lethal boomerang.

Safely?

Did the rebels ever ensure the safety of the people inside the arena? They wanted bombs placed inside, which Sejanus and I very hesitantly assisted with, but for what purpose? To hit the Capital right where it hurts, the Hunger Games. They desired the cancelation of the games, but not for the safety of the tributes, for the incitement of the Capital. To irritate them.

The words feel like toxins, threatening to bubble up and verbalize in the form of vomit.

“Ow-“ Sejanus grunts softly, forcefully pulling his hand from my harsh grasp. “Are you okay?”

“I-“ I breathe before seeing his eyes dart towards the microphone that hangs on the wall just 10 feet away from us. Has it been activated? Would it pick up my words? I swallow down any audible form of my concerns and simply verbalize, “Just surreal is all. Haven’t seen this place in person since the war.” Though my eyes illustrate all structures of my distress.

Will they die? Will we die? Will all of this anxiety-induced effort serve us no purpose? All of this, just for the mere annoyance of the Capitol?

A sad smile of recognition crosses his face. He understands. He doesn’t showcase more than a wince but I know he understands.

“Enjoy the Show!”

“All right huddle up.” The peacekeeper orders, “You get 20 minutes, that’s it! Explore, look around, get used to the place, because soon enough you’ll be living in it.” He pauses seemingly expecting us to act, “Move!”

“Where should we look?” I signal to Sejanus, wondering where the safest spot might be.

“Let’s check out the center.”

“The center?” Marcus scoffs, “What’s the point in looking around? There’s no place to hide and no escape, you can practically see everything from this spot right here!”

My eyes peer to below the microphone where I know a bomb is planted far too close to us.

“You’ll get a much better view from the center,” Sejanus begins towards it, “Come on.”

With a reluctant roll of his eyes, Marcus and Sabyn follow behind him, both trying to pretend as though their gazes aren’t exploring the arena far better from this perspective.

Strategy is hard to talk about when you know there won’t be an arena for the strategy to take place in anyways, but I can tell they both expect some ounce of advice.

“Here,” I whisper, conscientiously digging into my pockets and pulling out the slice of ham I was able to salvage from lunch at the Academy yesterday. “I’m sorry it was all I could-“ She snatches it and stuffs it into her own pockets, a small smile breaching my lips.

Suddenly a violent detonation shakes the ground and rings through my ears. I fall to the floor, covered by my arms as well as Sejanus’. Another burst sounds on the opposite side of the large room, still shaking where we helplessly lay. Then another and another until eruptions are blowing all around the edges of the arena, sending winds of rubble throughout the air.

My head lays on the ground with Sejanus buried into my shoulder. I can’t see much of anything occurring but the blood-curdling sounds are enough to know that I was right. Safety was of no priority to the Rebels.

My sobs shake the entirety of my body as the endless amounts of explosions finally halt, only heightening the shrieks produced by my classmates and their tributes. Gunshots fire close by, shrinking me deeper into the ground.

“Help!” A distinct voice calls out. “Somebody help!”

I quickly pull from Sejanus’ grasp, jumping to my feet to help Coryo, who must be in serious trouble if he risks the vulnerability that crying for help requires.

“Come on!” Sejanus grabs my hand, now on his feet as he ushers me towards the exit that is in the opposite direction of Coriolanus’ cries. When he can’t seem to pull hard enough, I’m suddenly scooped from the floor, and tossed over his shoulder, as he rushes towards the doorway just as another explosion sounds and a fiery beam comes crashing down in the spot we once stood. I can’t see Coriolanus through the smoke and instantly burst into tears, jumping from Sejanus’ arms.

“Coriolanus!” I shout to the peacekeeper who’s just thrown Livia Cardew onto the dirt floor, “Coriolanus is in there! So is Lucy Gray!”

He shares an annoyed glance with another Peacekeeper before they both reluctantly run in after them.

Sejanus entangles me in a tight embrace as his chest heaves up and down. His silent sobs crush my heart as I rub my hand over his back. All he wants is to help people, and this is what we’ve done.

“Sejanus-“ My voice breaks. I try to comfort him. I want to explain that this isn’t our fault, that we could’ve never predicted what would’ve happened, but the lie I almost vocalize forces even worse cries from the pits of my stomach, and I can’t find the space to speak in between the sobs and quick breathes I attempt to take. This is entirely our fault.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

“He’s gonna miss Lucy Gray’s interview,” I note, standing to watch as Caesar Flickerman introduces his songbird.

Tigris and Grandma’am follow close behind me.

“Well let me quit my jabbering and introduce the real star of the show. Lucy Gray Baird!”

I watch as the beautiful girl, in her newly cleaned rainbow dress approaches the microphone. For a split second, she looks nervous, but in an instant, the anxiety fades into confidence. She slips her hair behind her ear, smiling and waving to the crowd as if it were just another performance back in 12. Coriolanus should be up there with her, but instead, he’s here with us, hospitalized and asleep, in the same state he’s been confined to since the bombing 3 days ago.

“Own it,” I whisper, recalling the advice that she had given to Coryo the day he got locked in the monkey cage along with the rest of the tributes.

“Oh, she will.” Tigris smiles, “How could she not while wearing a clean dress like that!”

Lucy Gray had entrusted Tigris with the duty of tidying up the special dress she had worn since Reaping Day. It does look beautiful, and I can’t help but grin at the proud arrogance that Tigris finally possesses.

“When I was a babe I fell down in the holler

When I was a girl I fell into your arms. We fell on hard times and we lost our bright color.

You went to the dogs and I lived by my charms. I danced for my dinner, spread kisses like honey. You stole and you gambled and I said you should. We sang for our suppers and we drank up our money.

Then one day you left, saying I was no good

Well, all right, I'm bad, but then, you're no prize either. All right, I'm bad, but then, that's nothing new. You say you won't love me, well I won't love you neither.

Just let me remind you who I am to you

'Cause I am the one who looks out when you're leaping. And I am the one who knows how you were brave. And I am the one who knows what you said sleeping, I'll take that and more when I go to my grave.

It's sooner than later that I'm six feet under It's sooner than later that you'll be alone. So who will you turn to tomorrow, I wonder, For when the bell rings, lover, you're on your own

For when the bell rings, lover, you're on your own I am the one who you let see you weeping I know the soul that you struggle to save.

Too bad I'm the bet that you lost in the reaping. Now what will you do when I go to my grave?”

As Lucy Gray finishes the song everyone had hoped she would sing, tears fill the eyes of each person in the emergency room, including my own.

“That was… beautiful.” Tigris sniffles.

“Lucy Gray surely knows how to put on a show.”

“Coryo!” I gasp, jumping into his arms as he stumbles, almost falling back onto the floor before stabling himself and embracing me with mirrored passion. Though, he could never begin to understand how grateful I am that he’s awake. There would not be a moment during the remainder of my miserable life that I would forgive myself or Sejanus for getting him killed.

“I-“ I begin, my eyes swelling with tears, “Thank you for waking up.”

“It was the least I could do,” He laughs weakly. I finally gain the courage to release him to allow Tigris and the Grandma’am to cherish his awakening.

I turn to face the television screen again, closing my eyes and exhaling the deepest sigh of relief.

I have to come clean. I have to tell Coriolanus about what Sejanus and I did, and what he intends on continuing to do. I haven’t decided whether or not I could bear to resume helping the rebels after what they did, or almost did, to Coryo, but admitting my crimes to him will be the last and final declaration that I am done.

After the pleasantries with his family cease, he places his arms around my neck and traps me in a tight embrace, a cheesy grin plastered on his face.

Oh, how that smile would have faded had he known how he got into this situation in the first place. But for now, I just gratefully accept it, leaning my head onto the side of his, and wrapping my arms around the ones he holds below my neck.

“I heard you sent the peacekeepers after me.”

“And I heard Lucy Gray rescued you from beneath a fiery beam,” I smirk, raising my brows. “I suppose we’re both hearing things.”

“Suppose so.”

His gaze lingers on mine, or rather mine on his. I’ve never been so thankful to see those annoyingly piercing blue eyes and perfect locks of blonde hair. “Can you guys give us a moment?” I turn back to Tigris, who nods with a smile and immediately grabs the Grandma’am’s hand, both of them taking their leave. “So,” I smile anxiously, untangling his hands from my body and moving to sit in the same waiting chair I’ve sat in for the past 48 hours.

“Is something wrong?”

“I don’t know how to say this-“ My words tremble, threatening to collapse at any moment.

“Are you alright?” He quickly takes a seat on his hospital bed, truly interested in whatever I may say next. I can visibly see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to piece together what I’ll say next before I’m granted the words to say it.

I also, try to construct my next sentence before saying it aloud, not sure how to tell him it’s my fault he almost got killed. I don’t waste time apologizing and try my best to blink back the tears that now gloss my eyes. He doesn’t care about this performance I feel as though I’m putting on, I just-

“I think I’ve involved myself with the rebels,” I whisper, almost inaudible.

“You- what?”

“I know.” I correct, “I know I’ve involved myself with the rebels. I-“ Tears descend my cheeks, but I ignore their presence, as does Coriolanus, “I put the bombs in the area.”

He stared at me, eyes wide in confusion.

“You?”

“I wanted to tell you this morning,” I whimper, “That I regretted it, that I needed your help to fix my mistakes but I was so scared Coryo-“

“No-“ He stands, backing away from me. “You can’t- you shouldn’t have- do you understand the position you’ve just trapped me in?” His voice slightly raises before he registers the darted glances being sent toward himself, “You’ve involved me just as much as you’ve involved yourself by telling me this! What do you expect me to do? Report you?”

“No- Well- maybe that’s what I expected you to do but I hoped you wouldn’t!”

“And Sejanus?” He orders, “I’m sure your little vitiated district boyfriend is the one who dragged you into this mess?”

As much as I would like to blame anyone but myself in this moment of vulnerability, I can’t.

“He was the one who begged me to stay out of it,” I mutter, eyes peering to the floor.

“Why-“

“Shhh!” A nearby nurse shushed, uses a single remote to collectively heighten the volume of all five televisions in the room.

“And one last message before we let you all go for the night!” Caesar Flickerman announces gleefully, he touches his earpiece to hear for himself what the announcement may be. His eyes widen with shock, and then fade to melancholy. “Well folks, I’ve just been given word that the 10th annual Hunger Games will still be commencing! In two days, don’t miss it! Thank you all and have a-“

The world around me fades into a blur as my heart sinks to the deepest pits of my stomach. If I had eaten anything more than a few sips of cabbage soup today, I’m sure I would vomit it up at this very moment. I struggle to find air to inhale before the confidence of Coriolanus’ claim snaps me back to reality.

“I presume that’s why you did it? To stop the games?”

“That’s why I did it, yes,” I state blankly.

“But not them?”

“They wanted to irritate the Capital.”

“Us.” He corrects bitterly, “We are the Capital, Lia, they wanted to irritate us, don’t let yourself forget it.”

“It all seems so pointless, now. To irritate the capital, to almost lose you, to become a traitor, for what? For my tribute to be dead, Marcus to be missing, and the games to continue?”

“What?”

“I’ll see you at home, Coriolanus.” I push myself out of my chair, leaving him alone in the dullness of the hospital room.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

I wipe my tear-filled eyes, though I’m sure the red and puffiness of them is not concealable.

“You should’ve known better.” Coriolanus reprimands for the tenth time this morning. I desperately long for our walk to the Academy together, where we’ll be in public and he can’t shame me any longer. “I mean really, what were you thinking?”

“That I could make a difference, Coryo. Is that so hard to digest?”

“You need to stay away from Sejanus. He’s filling your mind with these fantasies! That’s all they are!” He slams his bag down on the kitchen counter, stuffing it full of the few snacks he was able to collect for Lucy Gray, “You think that these creatures are like us and they’re not. They are district, you are Capital!”

“We’re people! Is Lucy Gray a creature? I see how you look at her Coriolanus. How your gaze lingers on her from across the room. You’re the creature! You’re a venomous snake who’s going to squeeze the life out of that poor songbird and I’m not going to be around to see it!”

“You almost got me killed, Magnolia.” He shouts. “And I’m the creature?”

“You’re going to wake the others up.” I deflect, knowing Tigris didn’t get much sleep last night. She hasn’t slept since the bombing, too worried for Coryo. Of course, he doesn’t give a damn about her or anyone else who has the displeasure of knowing him.

“You know what? You’re right!” He exclaims, refusing to change the subject, “You won’t be around to see it, and neither will Sejanus. If neither of you can follow a simple set of instructions or at least pretend to carry the ideology the Capital requires of you then you’ll be hung for your rebel crimes!”

“Coriolanus!” Tigris reprimands, rushing into the room just as he slams the front door behind himself.

I crumble to the floor, burying my head into my bruised knees.

“Oh, Magnolia,” Tigris comforts. She wraps her arms around me in a warm hug, brushing her fingers through my hair as I cry into her shoulder, “He would never report you to anyone for anything. I don’t know what it is that you guys are bickering about but everything shall pass with time. I promise.”

Her quiet assurances and physical touch have transformed my muffled sobs into soft gasps for air that come in waves. She releases me, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear and kissing the top of my head. “I’m off to work, love, but please don’t take Coryo’s empty threats seriously. He would report you just as soon as reporting me, or Grandma’am.

She grabs her purse and quickly rushes out of the door as if she were not half an hour late to work because of me.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

The chill of the fresh morning air has turned the apartment damp, the humidity causing me to sweat due to our broken ventilation system.

I pick myself up from the floor, dragging my feet to the miraculously functioning phone that hangs next to the doorway that connects the kitchen and living room.

Today is the mentors' last day with their tributes before they’re thrown into the Arena and forced to become the creatures everyone believes them to be. The only people who have no purpose of reporting to the Academy are Androcles, Guis Breen, Sejanus, and myself, since all of our tributes were killed before the games even started, so I expect they should all be home.

I dial the number Sejanus had me memorize the second he let me involve myself with the Rebels and await the ringing to stop.

“Hello?” A voice deeper than the one Sejanus possesses answers.

“Good..” I drag out, looking at my watch to decipher the time, “Afternoon, Mr Plinth! Is Sejanus home?”

“Sejanus!” He shouts as footsteps patter to the phone, “Here he is.”

“Maggy?” My heart warms, the nickname my mother used to refer to me serving like morphing to the pain. The only time I ever hear the name anymore is in the presence of Sejanus, every other Capital student refusing to call me it. Even Coryo claims that it sounded too district, resulting in my new, more widely used nickname, Lia.

“Sejanus,” I smile, feeling like I’ve been granted a breath of fresh air just through the sound of his voice. I don’t want to spoil the rare happiness and can’t talk about the rebels through our likely monitored phone conversations anyway, “Please come over?”

“I’ll be there in ten.”

The line disconnects and I move to the front door that he meets me at less than ten minutes later. He doesn’t live very close to us, but his car of the latest Capital technology allows him to travel at the highest of speeds, making it here in record-breaking time.

When his knock sounds at the door, I realize that he’s never been inside the Snow apartment before, and wonder if I’m crossing the simplest of lines by having him over.

I shake the thoughts from my head, opening the door and allowing him inside with very little confidence.

“Hey,” He smiles, wrapping his arms around me before closing the door with his leg and following my lead to the living room.

“Maybe we should meet at your house from this point on,” I suggest, shifting uncomfortably as he takes a seat on the cold marble ground next to me. Not a single piece of furniture decorates this bland space except for the TV sitting on a run-down coffee table. Almost all of it was gone upon my arrival, Tigris explaining that it all had to be either sold or thrown into their fireplace amidst the war just to grant them the barest of food and warmth.

“The war hit us, or- them pretty harshly.” He nods considerately, seemingly paying no attention to the interior of the room. “What’s wrong?”

“I just- feel awful.” He sighs, hiding his face in his hands, “Both of our tributes are as good as dead, the Ring twins are in the hospital, we almost killed Coriolanus, and for what? For the games to continue anyways?”

“I know.” I adjust my body to be leaning against the side of his as he slips his hand into mine. I debate whether or not I should tell him about my quarrel with Coriolanus this morning, in turn, admitting to having revealed our part in the Rebel bombing, risking both of our deaths.

“Are you alright?” Sejanus’ gaze lingers on my tear-stained face, his thumb rising to caress my puffy undereyes.

“I just didn’t take the news well, is all.”

“Me neither, it’s just sickening! I barely got any sleep last night, couldn’t close my eyes without picturing Sabyn’s warm lifeless body. The peacekeepers cared more about shooting her dead than helping to keep others alive! And then Marcus! Condemned to a life of torture should he be caught.”

“He won’t be.”

“He will be. He has nowhere to go, no place to hide, and thousands of people on the lookout for him every day. I just hope his death is quick.”

The mood of the room falls flat, neither of us knowing how to recover from such a dim topic so quickly, so neither of us does. Instead, I give in to the heftiness of my eyelids, allowing myself to gain full support from Sejanus’ body as he rests himself against the wall behind us.

He buries his hand in my full head of hair, massaging the migraine he didn’t even know existed until my eyes can’t keep themselves open any longer.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

I startle at the sound of a door slamming shut, barely catching a glimpse of Coriolanus’ hefty blonde curls swooshing from the harsh swing of the door.

I shake Sejanus, who leans against the wall with his head angled up and an arm wrapped protectively around my body.

“Hey- I’m sorry to wake you but I’ll be right back, okay?” I jump to my feet, already starting towards the door, “I’ve gotta- I’ll be right back.”

What time is it?

Through the windows I swiftly pass by, I examine how the sun begins to set over the horizon, estimating how much of the shining circle still soars above the skyline. I approximate it’s about 5 o’clock. meaning we slept for 3 hours.

“Coryo!” I call, catching sight of him shooting down the complex stairs. “Coryo please wait!” How was he off mentor duty so early? I didn’t expect him to arrive back home until at least nine. Not that my unconscious body would’ve known the difference between now and then, but still, it could’ve bought me some time.

Mere inches away from his escape, Coriolanus gets stopped by an older woman, and panting from his long walk he bends down to pick something up that she seems to have dropped.

“Thank you, son.” She breathes feebly as he hands the magazine showcasing Lucy Gray’s face back to her.

“Coriolanus.” I wheeze, “You almost forgot about me!”

“Oh, you too have fun.” The woman knowingly smiles, retreating to her room before we can allow ourselves to speak freely.

“I’m sorry it’s not-“

I slightly anticipate him to make a run for it, but instead, he just extends his arm, willing me to wrap mine around it, and continues walking through the front doors of the apartment complex, leaving me utterly speechless.

“What was Sejanus Plinth doing inside of the Snow house?”

I begin to plead my case, before truly wondering, what was Sejanus doing? All we had done was confide in each other over our guilty consciencees. Why had I called him in the first place? Knowing the solemnity of our situation, I feel rather dull for allowing him over and realize that I really should’ve listened to Coriolanus.

I watch the gears behind his eyes, turning as he plans out his entire stance in this difficult situation. Will he report me? Will he cause a scene? How will he protect himself from my rebellious mistakes?

Suddenly, I realize how Coriolanus constantly finds himself in such a wide pool of success.

“I want to report him,” I mutter, peering over my shoulder to make sure nobody’s listening to us. He eyes me conspicuously. “There’s nothing to trace his crimes back to me. Not a phone call, not an item, nothing. Only his word against mine.”

“Are you sure?” He asks, a glimpse of hope glimmering in his eyes.

“I’m sure. And if the Capital discovers my part in the bombing,” I pause, bracing myself, “I’ll be hung and that will be that.”

The statement itself sends shivers down my spine, threatening to turn my legs into jello, I won’t allow that to happen. Nor will I let them hang Sejanus. He’s never belonged in this district and he’s helped me realize that neither do I. I’ll come with Coriolanus to report Sejanus on my terms, hopefully buying us enough time to escape this hell before they can tie his noose.

“What caused this sudden change of heart?”

“I realized in my time spent with him today, that not only is he a danger to our home, but he’s a danger to me as well. I never meant to get involved as much as I did and can’t continue to risk my entire being just to help him any longer. He’s chosen his life.”

Coriolanus nods approvingly. “All these years, he’s longed for us to forget where he came from. Wanted us to pretend he was one of us, and it wasn’t to spite him that we couldn’t. It was his attitude that didn’t allow us to see past him being district.” I smile in genuine agreement, reminiscing on my absolute favorite trait that Sejanus possesses, and find myself almost envious. Sejanus never let the Capital ruin him.

“Well, not everyone can live up to Capital standards. Most capital born won’t ever amount to us.”

He chuckles, the security of having Coriolanus by my side numbing the previous helpless feeling.

“I’ll tell Dr Gaul everything I know and pray she takes my information for what it is, and nothing more. Sejanus will be hung, and he will die, along with the troubles he poisons our lives with.”

“So you blame him entirely for your little rebellion phase?”

“Well, I believe everyone has to dip their foot into the other puddle before you truly stop wondering if it’s clearer, Sejanus just helped to mud the dirt.”

I almost feel guilty for talking about Sejanus in this manner, though I speak in gallons of truth, hiding drops of lies amongst them. Coryo isn’t stupid he’s one of the brightest people I know, emotionally and intelligently. Something inside of him just knows things, and a full lie can’t deceive him, but an almost truth might. I do believe that you’ll never stop longing for rebellion until you try it for yourself, but what I don’t tell Coriolanus, is that I also believe that sometimes you might find that the puddle in question is clearer. A clearer, bigger, better, more humane puddle that can save you from everything that burdens you in life may just be waiting for you to dip your foot in, and when you do you’ll never rid of the dirt.

So yes, though Sejanus is to fault for my rebellion phase, and I blame him entirely, I owe him nothing short of my life for it.

The sun is no longer brightening the sky by the time we reach the citadel. I wonder if Doctor Gaul will even be here so late in the night, but Coryo seems certain she will be.

“We’d like to speak with Doctor Gaul.” He tells the peacekeeper guarding the elevator, “It’s urgent.”

The peacekeeper touches the side of his head, seemingly listening in to orders from his earpiece.

“Go ahead. Level -10.” He scans his card and the elevator dings open, inviting us inside. As soon as we’ve both stepped through the door, it slams shut and plummets down, hitting our destination in under ten seconds flat.

“Are you alright?” Coriolanus assures, slightly winded himself.

“Yeah.”

We step into the overbearingly white laboratory, passing cages filled with different failed Capital mutations. I stand as close to the center of the aisle as I can, avoiding a personal view of the enclosures as I brush against Coriolanus’s protective build.

“Pitter patter, the blood goes splatter, and a rebel fought war will be lost i’m….” She trails off.

“Sure.” Coriolanus finishes, “Will be lost, I’m sure.”

She turns to face us from her platform, clapping delightedly. “I’ve been expecting you.”

Does she know why we’ve come? Or is it just an ordinary day in the laboratory when she makes up unnerving Rebel rhymes?

“What for?” I inquire, confidently.

“Coriolanus owes me a paper.”

I turn to him and he nods as if in remembrance, “Yes, I do, though that’s not why we’ve decided to visit.”

“Then what’s the cause?”

He falls back, signaling for me to take full control of the situation, something he doesn’t offer up very often.

“You’re familiar with the mentor, and student, Sejanus Plinth, are you not?”

“I am.”

“Well, I deeply regret to inform you that he’s been,” I falter, unable to phrase my accusation, “dealing with rebels.”

“Oh?” She grins viciously, descending the steps of her platform and approaching Coriolanus and me.

“I know not entirely of his Rebel associations, but am certain that he aided them in the planting of bombs in the arena.”

Her piercing green eyes inspect every aspect of my face, searching for a hint of what emotion I must be feeling.

After a long moment, she finally declares, “We had our suspicions. Though, it is improbable that he was working alone. Are you informed of any other rebels hidden amongst the Capital?”

“No ma’am.”

“Coriolanus?”

“Hadn’t a clue that rebels were still amid the Capital until today.” He almost truths.

“Well, you must’ve assumed.”

“I could’ve.” He considers, “Though it entirely slipped my mind.”

“Well,” She smiles, “Thank you for your confirmation. Your sacrifice means a great deal to your Capital, and I hope you will inform us of any information you may come across in the future.”

“Of course,” I return warmly, “Good night, Dr Gaul.”

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Our walk back home was too silent, almost eerily. We had barely made it back to the apartment when a storm of peacekeepers rushed past and I remembered the vulnerable state that I left Sejanus in. Half asleep, and in my own home without a single advance on what I was planning.

What if they already found him? What if his noose is being tied as we speak? What if-

“Everything alright?” Coriolanus incredulously pesters.

“Yep.”

That is all I can manage. Something feels very wrong. An anxiety-induced hole bubbles in the pits of my stomach as I try to maintain my composure. Coriolanus can’t know that I’m worried about Sejanus… or maybe I could play into that role. An innocent friend who knows she’s done the right thing but still can’t seem to digest the gravity of the situation. Will he think me weak? Will he believe a word I say?

I consider the performance I may execute, before realizing how similar to Coriolanus I feel in this very moment. Calculating, gears turning, trying to analyze every piece of my affairs while simultaneously attempting to feed the impression of innocence.

Is Coriolanus performing? Pretending to believe and support every lie I present him with just to double back at the last second? Or does he have no concept of the truth behind my motives?

I liven my pace, acting as though out of pure interest though really in concern for Sejanus’ well-being, and desire to escape the constant agonizing burden that is Coriolanus Snow.

I hear his feet patter behind me, the tempo of his steps quickening as mine accelerate. He’s chasing me. He knows. He knows that I never intended on allowing Sejanus to be hung for his- our crimes, and he doesn’t intend on his life being spared.

I’m full-fledged sprinting now, desperately dodging people as well as random rubble that lines the streets. Am I trying to save Sejanus or escape Coryo? Either way, I don’t relent, darting through the electric doors of our apartment complex and shooting up the stairs. He’s on my tail, a mere arm's length away as I shove into the Snow household and startle awake.

I lay strapped to a hospital bed in the overly white laboratory room. Blinking in owlish incomprehension, I slightly tilt my head as much as the big machine attached to it will permit, and squint my eyes to make out an unconscious Sejanus, the top of his scalp removed entirely from his head as a machine scans his brain.

My head pounds and the blinding lights force my eyes shut, i’m left blind as hands prod at different pieces of my limbs.

I squirm disobediently in my best attempts to be free of the shackles I’ve worn for the past 3 days. For a mere moment the memories come flooding back as tears descend my cheeks.

The night that Sejanus and I had chosen to plant bombs in the arena, had coincidentally been the same night Coriolanus had wanted to sneak in for himself, in search of good hiding places for Lucy Gray. None of which existed until the bombs went off- except they never did. Coriolanus turned on us before anyone else had ever unsafely entered the place.

I recall seeing the gears turning in his mind as he toyed with the though of giving us a second chance, but he never did like how personal my relations were with him. How familiar I was with his way of thought, or how close I was to discovering his genuine self.

Now they spend their days testing our brains, digging through our memories, warping them for research, trying to find the rebels who gave us the bombs in the first place. But whoever granted them to us made sure they could never be traced. They knew we were likely to fail, it’s almost as if they willed it to happen.

A needle jabs through my shoulder, morphing soothing the headache that I felt only moments ago, as the world fades away along with the remembrance of Sejanus and I’s new reality.

Upon entering the room, I find an unconscious Sejanus, sleeping exactly where I left him, entirely oblivious to the tragedy that almost awaited us and exhale a sigh of relief.

[rudytubooty2107]

(Short Story) Chapter 1: The End of the Beginning

When they say your whole life flashes right before your eyes in the very moment before you die, I always thought it was nothing more than a load of bullshit. And yet, here I am now seeing everything I once thought as nothing more than a man's thoughts filled with nothing more than regret and superstition seeing it all unfold before my very eyes.

There I am, as just a child witnessing the end of the life of my father ebbing away at my feet by my very own hands. My father had abused my mother every day just because he felt like it. And every time she lost consciousness, he would take the rest of his rage out on me, a 7-year-old boy who was nothing more than skin and bone. He never feed us, he took all of that food for himself, and only gave me and mother enough to barely survive. Some time I wasn't sure why he even bothered. Maybe due to guilt, or maybe because he truly did love us. Who can really tell? He worked a shitty job with shitty pay living in a shitty small studio sized apartment. I can understand his feelings in a sense. No one would want to have to live their lives like that. But it gives no right to take his woes out on me, or her.

One day he took things too far. He had just got laid off of his job. Not much of surprise. He was always late to work because he was always up all night drinking until he passed out anywhere, he felt comfortable. But when he came home, it was like looking at a volcano ready to blow at any point. With no hesitation, he lunged at my mother like a man possessed by nothing more than his pure rage. Nothing was held back. I thought he had already put all of his strength into her before, but nothing could compare to what I was witnessing. I felt so helpless seeing all of this happening, feeling as though I could do nothing but watch it all unfold. It was as if I knew what was going to happen. I knew that it was going to be the last time I saw my mother. It was going to be the last time my mother draws her last breath.

Without any thought, I yelled. I don't what I yelled, maybe I just shouted at the top of my lungs. I had to do something, if nothing else, I could at the very least do that. All he did was stop for a second to look me in the eye. As if to tell me through his eyes that I was next right after her. As he went right back into beating my mother, I felt something I never felt before. I felt something gnawing at my inners, trying to claw its way out of me. I felt as though if I didn't let the beast out of me, it would eat from in the inside out. I howled to the top of my lungs, running at him like a wild animal ready to hunt, not for food but for the thrill of the kill. He easily threw me at the wall in the kitchen. As I came back to my feet I saw a knife next to me. Without hesitation I grabbed the knife hurling myself back at him stabbing him without fail. Stabbing him in the back, clawing out his eyes, cutting away at his stomach, pulling out his guts. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I didn't care. His death meant nothing to me. All it did was stain my clothes and skin red as he laid there dead on the floor bleeding out. And yet, I still felt sad. I'm still not sure why to this very day. But one thing for certain, I did all of this for her, for my mother.

And do you know what she did? She looked at me with nothing less than fear. And to make matters worse she said I killed the only man she ever loved, crying as she laid her head on his dead body. I was in shock to see how all that I did, was for her, and yet she hated me for it. Once I dropped the knife as I fell to my knees in shock at this revelation. My own mother, who loved and adored, took that same knife and stabbed me in the eye trying to kill me. She slipped from the blood on the flood from father breaking her ankle. She cried in agony crawling backwards to my father's side.

Once again, I felt something gnawing at my insides. But this felt different than it did before. Instead of feeling a raging beast, I felt something else. Something that I wouldn't understand until later on in my life. I grabbed the knife that once stabbed eye, the same knife that I used to kill my father, walking up to my mother slowly. As I looked into her eyes, I could see them filled with fear, and yet I felt absolutely nothing, nothing at all. So, I slit her throat, and then stabbed myself in the stomach, as I felt as though I couldn't live the rest of my life.

And yet I awoke cleaned of all the blood I was covered in now rapped in bandages with an old scary man standing over me missing an eye just like me. Asking me if I wanted to live, I could only think of one thing. It was the only good thing I think my father taught me from watching him everyday.

"Go fuck yourself."

So, he punched me in my only good eye, and so my new life began as the only thing I, and even this old man, knew I'd be good at, a killer.

[bigalockwood]

August and Rousseau

I’ve outed myself as the #resident horse expert (thanks @youngroyalsconfession for the title I’m genuinely elated bc I’ve never gotten my own online moniker lmao) and I think it’s time that I contributed some more unasked for and useless horse knowledge to the YR discussion. This has been sitting in my drafts for ages and since I don’t see myself finding any time to research this further in the next few weeks, I thought I might as well post it before season 3 drops. Plenty of posts have been made about how the August-Rousseau situation could play out, and I don’t want to talk about those theories today, because I have anything to add right now.

As has been pointed out many times, horses are expensive, at least in western, industrialized countries. They used to be a necessity for most people, because they were a mode of transport, used to harvest food etc. This is still true in many parts of the world, but not Western and Northern Europe. There, horses have become a luxury, and are usually notoriously expensive, especially if you can’t keep them on your own grounds and produce your own hay. And even then- vet bills are painful to look at, and there are plenty of other costs, too. So, August most definitely won’t be able to pay for the monthly expenses that come with having a horse, at least not if he gets no financial aid by the court or doesn’t sell some of his assets. And even then, I’m not sure what they would say when they learn that they are financing a horse of all things (especially since August has zero interest in or knowledge of horses). In the following you can find a rough overview of just how expensive owning a horse is. Keep in mind, these numbers are generalized. I’m not from Sweden, but another European country, and even if I were, prices fluctuate a lot depending on the success of harvest, proximity to large cities, services offered by the stable, etc.… But maybe it can give those of you less familiar with horses a better idea of just how fucked August actually is.

Stable: this variable is already very hard to judge. You can find fairly cheap barns, but you usually have to do at least part of the work yourself, too (just imagine August mucking out Rousseau’s stall lmao). Feed is often included in the price, doesn’t cover any special needs, though (hay is included, but anything else you have to buy yourself). However, Hillerska is a prestigious school. They have a groom (our beloved Marcus) to take care of everything the owners don’t want to do (mucking out, feeding, taking horses out to the pastures and then back inside). You can find yourself with anywhere between 200- 600 Euros per month, depending on the services offered. Knowing what we do about Hillerska, you can expect the cost to be at the higher end.

The farrier should come every six to eight weeks and, again, costs depend on what work needs to be done. It can be anywhere between 50 Euro (bare hoof, only need to be trimmed) to close to 200 Euro (horse shoes for all four hooves). As long as Rousseau isn’t being exercised he’ll most likely only need a trim. 

Insurance depends greatly on your horse and its value (it’s hinted that he is valuable in the show) but generally costs between 50 to 150 Euro per month where I’m from.

Vet costs (assuming your horse is healthy and you only need to get the recommended vaccinations and check-up’s as well as anthelmintics) will usually be around 400 Euros a year and can go way up, depending on whether your horse has any special needs. Rousseau seems to be healthy, so we’ll assume he only needs the bare minimum.

Based on what he definitely needs to buy/pay for, the annual cost would be somewhere between 3400 and 12.400 Euro. Which is a super rough estimate and doesn’t even cover any extra expenses (Rousseau most certainly doesn’t only eat hay but also other feed specifically for sport horses). A horse can easily cost up to 21.400 Euro per year. August saves some money because he doesn’t take any training sessions and thus doesn’t need to pay for a trainer. He could also lend Rousseau to the school and let other students ride him; a deal like that would reduce how much he needs to pay for the monthly care of Rousseau.

But either way: August has to pay between 295 and 1800 Euro per month. If he wasn’t struggling financially, he probably wouldn’t even notice such a “small” expense. As it is, he can’t even pay his own tuition. There’s no way he’ll be able to pay for a horse.

(Would also like to, again, state that this is extremely generalized; I just wanted to highlight how much a horse usually costs).

[eva-knits12]

Colin Shea Takes Care of Eva When She's Sick

Trigger warning: the flu, puking, sickness, comfort, fluff, puppy cuddle, even more fluff.

Summary: It's fall, and Eva have the flu!

(I think with the Election results, we could all use some comfort and some fluff, so I wrote a story about Colin Shea.)

I went to bed last night, feeling a little run down. I woke up with my body aching, feeling stuffy, and nauseous. I will the nausea to go away, but to no avail.

I pull down the covers, and grab the garbage can, and I spill my guts into it. I knew I wasn't going to make it the bathroom in time, it was so sudden. I finish emptying my stomach.

"Eva, are you okay?" asks a concerned Colin.

"No, I feel horrible," says Eva.

"Come here, lie down right here. I'll empty and wash this out, try to get some rest," says a Colin.

Colin takes the trash can to the bathroom and empties it. He flushes the toilet, then he cleans out the trash can, and sprays Lysol in it. He comes back with a thermometer.

Colin places the trash can next to me again, and places the thermometer under my tongue. He waits a few minutes, and reads the thermometer. It's 101 degrees.

Colin comes back with a bowl of cool water, and a wash cloth. He tells me to lie down, and he wets the cloth, and places it on my forehead.

"Shh, Eva. I'm here, okay?" says Colin.

Colin gives me an aspirin to help my fever go down.

"Shh, I'll be back, I'm just running up to the supermarket to get some feel better supplies," says Colin, as he kisses my forehead. I'm in a deep sleep that not even a five alarm fire with the sirens blaring, and my dad turning the TV on WAY too loud could wake me.

Colin goes and grabs his keys, and gets into the car. He backs out of the driveway, and then puts the car into drive. He goes to the supermarket, and goes to get me some feel better supplies.

Colin goes right to the pharmacy section, and gets me some cold and flu medicine. He goes to the bakery and gets me my favorite chocolate cake, along with a carrot cake. He gets things like Jell-o cups, pudding cups, canned chicken noodle soup, cough drops, ginger ale, Pedialyte, vanilla ice cream, Pepto Bismol, and my favorite chocolates.

He pays for his purchase, and then goes to the florist to get me some flowers and a get well card. He gets me a stuffed teddy bear that says Get Well Soon.

Colin returns and unpacks everything. He prepares me some soup, and gets some saltines and some ginger ale. When the soup is ready, he places it in a bowl on a tray, and delivers me my lunch.

"Shhhh, Shh, Eva, try to eat something. You need to get some food in you," says Colin, feeding me the soup.

Colin makes sure that I take bites of the crackers, and gives me sips of ginger ale. Colin is saying soothing things. Colin feeds me some Jell-o. He gives me some of the medicine, and removes the tray. I soon fall asleep. After a while, I scream for Colin. I really need to pee.

"COLIN!" I scream.

"What is it, Eva?" asks Colin.

"Do you need to throw up?" asks Colin.

"No, I really have to pee," I say.

Colin comes, with a dish rag in hand. He sees me struggling to get up, picks me up, and carries me bridal style to the bathroom. He helps me to the toilet, and I close the door, pully my pants down, and pee, barely making it.

I wipe myself, flush the toilet, then wash my hands. Colin picks me up, and carries me back to bed, only this time, I manage to throw up all myself and all over Colin.

"Okay, I'll shower and change, let's get you showered, and into some clean pajamas, okay, Eva?" says Colin.

"After we shower, I'll give you some Pepto-Bismol," says Colin.

Colin carries me back to the shower, gathers some clean sheets, and changes them. Then, he gathers some clean pajamas for me, and some clean lounge pants and a clean T-shirt for him. He puts the clothes in the washer, and turns it on.

Colin strips me naked, turns on the shower, and then he strips naked. He's busy cleaning up the both of us, and I'm starting to feel a little better.

Colin and I finish showering, and he puts a towel around me, and then around him. He helps me dry off, then dries himself off. I'm sitting on the toilet, and then get off. While Colin is busy drying off, I spill my guts into the toilet. I finish, then brush my teeth. Colin rubs soothing circles on my back, and gives me some Pepto Bismol, then gives me some Pedialyte.

"Ugh," I moan.

"Shh, Eva, you'll be okay," says Colin, who's helping me sip the Pedialyte.

Colin starts to sing softly to me, and it lulls me back to sleep. Colin is still singing, then lays next to me, holding me close to him. He kisses me forehead, and turns on the TV. He watches for a bit, but since there's really nothing on, he turns it off and starts to fall asleep.

Colin gets up after a while with his stomach growling. He makes himself a TV dinner, and eats it. He fixes me another sick tray, this time with some strawberry Jell-o. He feeds me every bite, then helps me up so I can brush my teeth. I throw up again.

Colin spends the next few days nursing me back to health. I've NEVER had a guy take care of me when I'm sick like this, with the exception of my brother.

"Shh, you were there for me when I had appendicitis, and when I got an appendectomy. It's time to return the favor. I love you so much, Eva," says Colin.

"I love you so much, Colin," I say, with all the strength that I have. I fall asleep again because just saying a simple sentence was enough to wear me out.

A few days later, I'm feeling so much better. I stay home to do my work, because I'm not out of the woods yet. Colin sets up my laptop on the bed so I can do the majority of my work from bed. Colin also makes sure that I get up every once in a while to walk around for a bit.

I look at Colin with nothing but love and admiration. To help cheer me up, Colin comes home with something. I wake up from a nap, only to feel something licking my face. It's a puppy! Colin went to the shelter, and picked up the puppy that we guys found a while back. The shelter kept him because he was thin, skin and bones, and he was too young to foster or adopt. With time, the puppy was ready to be adopted, and the puppy basically jumped in Colin's arms!

"Oh, you're so cute! Yes you is! Yes you is!" I say.

The puppy keeps licking me, and me see something in his collar. Colin had put a claddagh ring in a green velvet box in the dog's collar.

"Colin, it's beautiful!" I say.

Colin slides the piece of silver on my right hand, with the heart facing inward. I understood that Colin's Irish roots were important to him. I kiss Colin lovingly, and I somehow fall in love with him even more.

I take another nap, and Colin walks Dickens, our new dog. Colin covers me with a blanket before he leaves, kisses my forehead, and then leaves for Dickens' walk.

Colin comes back, and orders some Chinese for our dinner. Colin leaves to pick up the dinner. I wake up from my nap with Dicken's licking my face. Colin dishes out the Chinese, and places it on a tray. He has bottles of water. We eat and watch a movie.

After I eat and brush my teeth, I snuggle next to Colin. I fall asleep. Colin turns off the movie, and just watches me sleep.

Several days later, I wake up, and I'm feeling much better. Thanks to Colin, I had the best boyfriend and the best nurse in Boston taking care of me during my bought with the flu.

Tags:

@cutedisneygirl

@cevansbaby-dove

@sapphirerogers

@misssoutherncharm

@violeth-r04

@bookishtheaterlover7

@justinmythoughts

@katiew1973

[fangirlstorycreator]

KK3 Terry Silver X Reader

Context: Damsel In Distress! Your in a dangerous position, and Terry comes to help you 💚 Part 1/2

Ever since this new dojo opened, you were now finaly able to get some more work. You saw that the Cobra Kai dojo was in need of a cleaner on their board outside the building, which you applied for as quickly as you could. Being a single woman and having to pay rent in your studio flat, meant you needed a job, but unfortunately like some people, sometimes that was two jobs instead of one. You already were a cleaner in the local gym, but that was barely making enough to live. You needed something that will let you also have money to feed yourself properly, and not live off packet food or noodles.

You applied for the cleaning position and got it the very same day, you were over the moon about it. The guy who interviewed you was someone called John Kreese, he seemed nice, if a little rough around the edges. He and his business partner owned the dojo, but you had yet to meet him, in time maybe. John laid out the cleaning you needed to do, and the days and times you were needed too, which fit into your other job roles timings perfectly. Your first day was a piece of cake, you cleaned everything you needed too, plus had a little time spare to do one or two other things before you left. John was impressed, and even bumped up your pay a little for doing such a good job whilst you were working there.

It had now been two weeks since you started this second job, and it was safe to say that you were feeling quite tired from doing it. You weren't used to working two jobs, especially since one was a day time job, and one was an evening. There was only a small amount of time in between each shift to stop, and that wasn't enough.....but you kept going. You thought to yourself that there are people out there who work 3 jobs, you needed to get a grip and power through, which is what you tried to do. It was Friday afternoon, and you were nearly done sweeping the floor of the main room. You were the only one there, as far as you were aware, and you had some music on in the background to listen too. You swept, back and forth, again and again, when suddenly you stop as your vision goes blurry. You hold onto your sweeping brush as you steady yourself, closing your eyes in hopes it will pass. Your legs and arms felt wobbly, and your stomach was growling. You new you were hungry, famished actually, but you had no time today to stop, especially when your gym job needed you earlier today to clean a new yoga room. You opened your eyes, and the dizziness faded away. You took a deep breath to steady yourself and tried to carry on with the floor. But it seemed that doing that wasn't the best idea, and before you knew it, everything turned black. And the last thing you remember was smacking the side of your head on the floor as you fell.

You feel dazed and still dizzy when you start to come around. You eyes are still closed, but something feels strange, you can feel that your feet are leant up on something, maybe a chair? And there is something cold on the side of your head where you fell on it. Your eyes slowly open, and there knelt next to you, is what looks like an incredibly handsome man, and it definitely wasn't John Kreese. "Hey....How are you feeling? It looks like you took a bad fall. Hows your head?"

This man asked in a calm and gentle tone. "Uhh? Yeh I...I think I'm alright, just a little dizzy" "That's ok, when that goes away I can help you back up. It seems you banged your head quite hard on this floor, but it's ok, I've got this ice pack on hear for you" You reach up to touch it, it feels like a big bump on your head, hopefully nothing to serious had happened, you see no blood thankfully. "I came in and saw you like this, can you tell me what happened?" "I was feeling light headed and my vision blurred. I thought I shook myself out of it, but it seems I didn't. I just remember everything going black and then...Ummm, who are you by the way?" He smiled widely, he had a gorgeous smile. "I'm sorry, I haven't had a chance to meet you recently with the dojo still needing work done. I'm Terry, I'm John's friend" "Oh! Your Terry Silver, John told me you both own this place"

"Yes, well I own it, but he co manages it with me. I've been meaning to come and introduce myself to you, ever since John said we had a new cleaner. Your Y/N right?" "Yeh, that's me" "It's a pleasure to meet you, it's just a shame it's under these circumstances. Can I ask, do you know what might have caused you to pass out?" You look down in shame, you didn't want to admit it but you had too. "I uhh....I haven't eaten anything yet. I swear I was going to as soon as I finished sweeping the floor" "Oh dear, your blood sugar must be really low. You shouldn't prioritise work over your health you know. Is John working you to hard?" "No, not all. I have two jobs you see, and it's on the evening" "So your working day and night? Everyday?" "I have to, some people can work 3, and I'm just doing two" "So? One job can drain a person as well, but 2 is a lot, especially if it's everyday, and pretty much day and night" You just nod, knowing he is kind of right. He looks around and sees your bag, he stands up and runs over to grab it. He brings it back and helps you to sit up a little. "You bring a lunch with you?" "Yeh, it's just in hear" You take out a sandwich and an apple just as Terry walks into the office and grabs you a bottle of coke cola. "I'll stay with you to make sure your alright, I don't want you to have another fall just incase it's not your blood sugar that made you fall"

"You don't have to you know, I'll be fine. Besides I've got to get to my other job in an hour-" "You are kidding me right?" "What?" "There is no way you are going to work in another job after you fainted! Plus you have that bump on your head, your not going" "I don't exactly have a choice, I need this job to afford rent and food" "Food that you have barley any time to eat anyway? To the point where you pass out? I'm sorry but I can't allow that" "That's kind Terry, but it's not you that cant allow it, it's my boss at the gym who will tell me if I should stay of go" "Alright then, I'll call him" "Really? I'll doubt you'll be able to get through to him, he's an #sshole" "Just to you or others aswell?" "Honestly? I'm not sure he likes women in general" "Ahhh, one of those eh? Well look, as your employer I'm not happy letting you work in another place when your in this state. May I talk to your other boss?" "Yeh, just try not to piss him off" "Why?" "I don't know I just....when people have pissed him off before, he's had a tendency to fire people" "Don't you worry about a thing, I'll make sure that whatever happens, you'll still be working" You hand Terry your phone after getting your bosses phone number up, Terry calls him and your boss answers in a grumpy tone. "Y/N, what do you want?" "Hi there, my name is Terry Silver" "And? Why should I care?" Terry looks over you you, but you raise your eyebrow in a way that says (I told you so). "You should care because I am calling on behave of your employee" "What about her? She'd better be coming in, there's a new yoga hall that needs cleaning"

"Actually she won't be coming in, for her own health" "Health? Oh what? Is she having her stupid period cramps? Or did she break a nail?" "She has actually passed out and hit her head quite hard on the-" "Are you seriously telling me this stupid girl is not coming in to do her job because she is acting like a princess and pretending to faint?! And she hit her head?! That's something a toddler walks off then starts playing after!" "I think you'll find that it's far more serious than that, I'm taking her to get checked out at the hospital to make sure there's no underlying health issue, and to make sure the head injury isn't something more serious. And the fact that you don't care, and are not taking it seriously is something I'm not only concerned about, but actualy angry about" "Ooooh! Big man on the phone thinks the way I order my employees is wrong. Oh wait, I don't give a sh#t! Tell Y/N to stop messing around like a typical woman and get her #ss in work before I fire her!" Terry holds the phone against his chest as he gives you a sympathetic look, he had no idea how hard you really had it. He could see the bags under your eyes, your shaking hands, your exhausted look and you just looked completely deflated. He knew there was something about you that was unique, and he knew what you were going through was unfair, and he wasn't going to stand for that. "Now you listen to me you arrogant piece of sh#t!" "Who the f#ck do you think your talking too?!" "Oh I know exactly who I'm talking too, a spoilt little pr#ck who thinks his position gives him the power and right to abuse and use his employees in any way he wants! Well Y/N is not coming in, unless you treat her like a human being!"

"Like hell am I going to do that! And just for the way you spoke to me, not only is she going to be working today, but I'm going to make sure she works even later, without the over time pay!" Terry can't take this, he can see you and he knows you can hear everything he says. "Y/N is NOT coming in!" "Then she's fired! Let's see her afford a home on a one jobs wage! Stupid b#tch deserves it!" And just like that, your boss puts the phone down on Terry. But Terry can see your starting to get upset, so he kneels down to you. "He fired me?! How am I supposed to-" "Shh shh it's ok, don't worry" "Don't worry?! I won't be able to afford my rent, what am I going to do?" "It will be ok, I promise. You see, I have many connections and more money than I can want" "That's nice for YOU" "But listen, he fired you for something that was out of your control, so legally you can sue him. And I have a lawyer who can do that" "Terry....that's not necessary" "No no listen, he has never lost-" "Terry....while it's a lovely offer, I just don't want anymore trouble. I just....I just need to make sure I'm fine, then look for another night job"

"Y/N, I can help you" "I know Terry, but I need to be able to support myself and not use someones elses resources when I could never repay them. I'm sorry" Terry's face is still, no expression, but he nods to you. "Alright Y/N.....listen, at least let me take you to the hospital to get checked over. I wouldn't want you to have any other issues" "Ok...thank you Terry" You were feeling so stuck now, you had lost your night job AND you knew you wouldn't be able to pay rent for next month and have enough food in the fridge. You planned to start looking for a new job at home once you were finished at the hospital, and hopefully there would be something that would come up quickly. Terry helped you up and into his car, and he took you for a check up at the hospital. He was right, according to the doctor, your blood sugar was low and she recommended that I need to eat correctly and rest for a while. And thankfully the bump on your head didn't result in anything serious. Terry offered you a lift back to your flat, and when he drove away to let you get some rest, you snuggled up on the sofa with a blanket and a hot chocolate. Your laptop was poised on the coffee table infront of you, so now you were ready to surch for another job....but the stress of going through all of that again was getting to you, you just looked at the screen, and felt low. Yes, Terry was trying to help you, but you lost your job over it, and now you had no choice but to find another one. And hopefully this time, the next boss wouldn't be so horrible. However, you were happy that Terry wasn't horrible, in fact, he was quite nice.....and definitely handsome too. You pushed that thought of Terry to the back of your mind however, because you now had your laptop on your lap, it was time to search.

Meanwhile, Terry was working out in his house, practicing his karate like he normally does. John knocks on the door and Terry's door man let's him in to come and speak to Terry. "Hey! Johnny, I'm glad you came buy!"

"Of course. So what did you want to talk to me about?" "Something happened at the dojo this afternoon" "What happened?" "I walked in to find Y/N passed out on the floor" "She what? Is she alright?" "Yeh she's ok, nothing serious. But she had very low blood sugar, she wasn't eating" "Why?" "Because she's been so busy" "Is the work load I'm giving her too much?" "No no it's not that, she's been working two jobs" "Has she? I didn't know that, she didn't tell me" "I only found out myself when I spoke to her. It was my first time meeting her and I could tell she has been overworking herself. This is why I asked you to come over John" "What do you mean?" "Well, when I called her other boss to tell him she wasn't able to come in due to her not being well enough, he ended up being super rude and fired her! The guy is an absolute #sshole" "Right, so why did you want to talk to me?" "I want to raise her pay John. I want it so she doesn't have to worry about her bills, put herself in dangerous moments like today and have time to not only have a life, but to be able to live happily and comfortably too. And right now that's not what's happening for her. She's at home right now trying to find another job, and I want to help her" "Alright, so shall we just give her a pay rise, or is she in need of more support too?" "If you could do the paperwork for her pay rise at the dojo, I can sort out another issue for her. She said she didn't need to do it, but she deserves something for what her other boss did to her" "Alright, so we have a plan then?" "Absolutely"

It had been a few days since your fainting incident, and both Terry and John had said you shouldn't come back until your properly fit for work. So once you got the all clear from your local doctor, you were going to go back to cleaning the dojo once again. Luck wasn't on your side with another job though, noone was hiring and you felt really low. It seemed like it was time to go back to cheap packet food to keep you going until you found another job again. The next day, you came into the dojo ready to start cleaning and making up for lost time, despite the fact that John and Terry gave you paid time off, you still didn't want to seem like you were doing nothing when you could be working. Noone was in there when you arrived, so you just stuck your music on and proceeded to go about your cleaning routine. About an hour later, John walks in, and you see him out of the corner of your eye. Turning off the music, you say hello to him. "Hey Y/N, listen, could I have a word with you in the office please?" "Sure, no problem" You left your cleaning supplies and walked into the office with John, taking a seat on the sofa as he sat on the office chair. "How are you feeling Y/N?" "Yeh, I'm fine" "Are you sure?" "Yes, that feeling I had is no longer there. I'm eating and my blood sugar level is normal" "Good, that's good. Now, I do have to ask you something. Are you currently looking for a second job?"

"Well...kind of yeh. Don't get me wrong I do like this job, I just need to do something else to put towards the bills" "I understand that, I've been in a similar position to yourself one or twice over the years. But I'd just like to let you know that you will not be needing to find a second job" "Why? Is it something I'm not allowed to do with the contract I'm on hear?" "No no it's not that, you won't have to look for another job because we are giving you a pay raise" "A pay rise? That's not necessary" "Oh it is, I heard about how you lost you other job, and this is adequate compensation for that issue. Hear, I have your pay slip hear so you can see the rise yourself" John hands you the paperwork, and you've seen that you've been given a pay rise so big, that this is worth possibly 3 jobs! Let alone 2! "John...I can't exept this, this is too much for a cleaning job" "Well, what if it wasn't just a cleaning job?" "What do you mean?" "What if I was to give you just a few extra responsibilities around the dojo? Me and Terry could really use someone working a receptionist position now that Cobra Kai is getting more popular" "You want me to be a receptionist?" "If you would like too, yes. So you would be doing that from 9 till 4, then when the dojo closes at 4, you'd do your normal cleaning job until you finish at 6. So it would be a 9 till 6 shift instead of working nights and days. It's available if you want it"

"That's...that's amazing! Thank you John!" "Well, you should be thanking Terry most of all" "Why?" "Well this was his suggestion. You see I didn't know about your second job and your fainting spell until he told me. And would you have told me about that Y/N? Be honest" "Alright....I don't think I would have told you, I wouldn't want to worry anyone" "I knew you'd say that. So when Terry suggested a pay rise, I was happily on board with it. I wouldn't want anyone who is working for me and Terry to be stuck in a position you were in" "That's very kind, of both of you. Thank you" "Alright then, I'll grab the paperwork for you to sign, and next week you can start your new role" "You said Terry suggested this, where is he? I'd like to thank him" "He's busy at the moment with some people who want to invest with the dojo, but he should be coming back in just before your cleaning shift finishes. You can chat to him then" "Perfect" After that surprisingly nice meeting in the office, you head back out and continue cleaning. When anyone gets called into a meeting or to the bosses office, there is always that little worried feeling in your belly when you think your in trouble, but thankfully that wasn't the case today. A few hours passed, and you had just finished up moping the floor, when Terry walks in, with his beaming smile.

"Hey Y/N!" "Hi Terry, how are you?" "Yeh, yeh I'm good. Are you feeling better?" "Yes, much better thank you" "Great, I'm glad to hear it" "Listen Terry, John had a word with me earlier about the pay rise" "Ah yes! I'm glad he did. Are you happy? No need to worry yourself with a second job now eh?" "Yes your right, and I am happy about it. I just wanted to thank you. You didn't have to talk to John and give me extra money to support me, but you did. I'm not used to that kind of generosity, and I just wanted to thank you properly" "Oh Y/N, there's no need to thank me. I'm just doing what's right by you, and doing my best to help you out" "You really have, I mean that Terry" At this moment, John walks out of the office and over to you and Terry. "Hey John!" "Hey Terry, you were gone a long time" "Well business can take it's time" John looks at Terry in a hinting kind of way, looking back at him and you until he knows why he's doing that. "Oh yeh! Y/N, me and John are heading to a club tomorow night, we've heard it's really cool, and I was wondering if you wanted to join us?"

"Really? I'm honestly suprised you want to invite me along"

"Because we think your cool, and we work together. It would be nice to hang out and not talk about work" "Also Y/N" says John "I'm going to need someone who is also a responsible adult to help me watch this one. Even without alcohol, he can be a bit of a handful" This makes you giggle, and John chuckle. Terry just nods, he knows how excitable he can get. "Alright, count me in" "Brilliant! Well John's going to get there before us, and I'll pick you up if you like?" "Sounds like a plan to me. Ok, I'll see you both later, I have to get going now" You all say your goodbuys and you head out the door to go home. John just looks at Terry with an amused look. "Terry..." "What?" "Could you be more obvious?" "Oh come on John" "You couldn't keep your eyes off her just then. Just...try not to make an #ss of yourself tomorow ok? If you want to impress her, don't do anything stupid" "I won't do anything stupid John, you know me" "Terry, that's precisely WHY I'm telling you that!" They both just share a look before bursting into laughter, going about the rest of their day as usual.

You in the meantime were thinking about what had happened today on your way home. A promotion, more working hours in a better time, WAY better money....and getting invited out to a club buy Terry and John. This was definitely a good day, and tomorow was going to get even more interesting.......

[oogalaboogalabich]

Having too much fun with this bloodweave outline.

Part 2: Orb Boy and The Angry talk about their masters and hunt.

(For context: Gale gets spawned by Lord Artor Morlin )

Gale tells the camp what up with him and his orb. But later in private he approaches Astarion and invites him to hunt.

Astarion gets on the defensive. But gale doesnt quite understand.

"Oh sorry. I didnt even consider that youd found time to feed on your own. My mistake.

"Wait. What? How do y- I dont know what you're talking about."'

"You-...can you not tell?"

"Tell what?"

"I suppose the most obvious tells are a bit overshadowed, arent they?" He gestures to the tattoo that covers his neck. A mix of runes and decorative beasts. His left eye simmered with a sickly dark violet and seemed to bleed magic down his cheek towards the brand on his chest.

"What in the hells are you on ab-oh...." he notices the scarring, and pays attention to the less impressive but just as unusual red eye. And finally he realizes he hears no heartbeat from the man. Nor does he breathe. "OH! well thats actually rather amusing isnt it. What are the odds?"

"You dont know the half of it. My master was about to bloody set me free when i was picked up. Rotten luck to be sure."

"Funnily enough I was freeing myself from mine when Iwas lifted. " gale could hear the deep seeded bitterness behind his light tone, and the seething jealousy and disgust. Oh he HATED him. Utterly despised him for having a master whod just go and free their spawn. He could feel that through the tadpole. Artor had often said that as cruel as he was, he was infamous and frankly looked down on for his leniency with his spawn.

"Is that why youve an old blanket with you."

"Its not a 'blanket' its my bur-...its a keepsake from my old life. You will do well to keep your hands off of it."

"So...hunting? I thought i spotted a few paladins heading north not an hour ago."

"Paladins? You...youre going after" thinking creatures. "People."

"Yes. Astarion. Im hungry." He spoke as if it was obvious, (because it was) but he could feel their irritation spike again. The fuck had he said to earn that? "Are you coming or not? I could certainly use the help. I doubt id be able to go after them alone. im sure i could pick off one of the tieflings ...but id honestly rather not. Id feel bloody awful."

"...alright....lead on then."

"Fannntastic. Glad to have you along, my friend."

--

"So...your master...who is he?"

"The bloody baron of waterdeep, artor morlin. Damned fascinating chap, if a bit lacking in basic empathy. Good man in general though, i would think. Not like that Kozakuran twat in baldurs gate."

"Where do you hail from?"

"...." astarion scowled.

"Ah...apologies for insulting your mast-

"Dont call him that. He isnt my master....not anymore. Never again."

"For bringing him up then. Ive heard things....and im sure none of it does him justice."

"Hes a godsdamned mon-."

"Shhshhshh hang on..." gale frowns and holds a hand up, indicating to be silent.

They both crouchedbin the bushes while a curly haired merc and one other male chat while they head back to their camp with game in tow.

Gale noted how nervous astarion is, and wonders just how long it had been since cazador allowed him a proper meal.

"Ill take the larger one down first, you can have him."

"I can hunt my own food!"

"Are you sure? Youre shaking."

"Soon to be remedied, darling."

Nonetheless, gale went after the smaller of the two for himself, not realizing that astarion had frozen in place.

He pulled up from his meal while the bigger one fled like a fucking coward.

"Gah- Astarion! Youre going to lose him." He all but barked, blood flying like spittle from his teeth.

Astarion nearly fumbled, hesitating long enough to get stabbed in the side before his victim passed out.

Gods but he barely felt it though. Groaning as the nectar of gods slid down his throat.

He was nearly finished when gale aproached, pocketing what looked like a tiny body.

"Need any help cleaning up?"

"Hm? "

"I could shrink it down for you. Easier than mauling or burying the body. A spawn as young as you, im guessing youre still squeamish about supping on other people, yes?"

"The hells are you on about? Im well past my second century."

"Well yes, i understand how elves work. Im talking about your time as a sp-"

"Yes i bloody well know what youre talking about. And im saying its been a fucking eternity!!"

"...you...then why are you so..."

He looks over astarions general state of having been stabbed, and wasting so much of the mans blood to the bedrock they stood on under the crumbling bridge. Messy, sloppy, uncoordinated.

"Unpracticed..."

"Well forgive me if my table manners are a bit lacking!" He sneers. "Im rather used to rats and insects. No thinking creatures. Cazador always said....i always wondered if hed made up those rules. Now i know why he did...."

Gale was tempted to dig deeper, but perhaps now was a good time to just let astarion enjoy himself.

"This is your first taste of blood." Real blood at least, he thought.

"Proper blood at least" gale tried not to smile at that.

[bloodanddiscoballs]

Alright I said I was gonna make a sappy post for my 30th birthday so here it goes!:

I never thought I would live to see 30. I know that many people say that, and I'm sure that sentiment isn't unique on here. Here's the thing; I'm disabled. I have almost died due to my health 3 times since 2011 and indeed did once before being brought back. My immune system is nonexistent, and my chronic pain has me at currently 6 reconstructive back surgeries and round the clock pain medication.

When I was 17 years old, I became a victim of medical malpractice and had my entire life changed in an instant. Didn't get to go off to college, didn't get to work normally, didn't get to move out - didn't, didn't, didn't. For years, I was told that I would heal. That I would be fine. I was young! Young people don't get sick. I'll bounce back. Just be patient. But I didn't get better, I got worse. And every year older was another year into my 20s where I wasn't able to do "the normal stuff." I never finished college, but I did get some classes done. I would work for a few months before needing to quit. I got married and then divorced. All "failures" due to my health.

At 27, I went to see my therapist and sat down and told her that I couldn't see into my future. I remember telling her, "Every day is hell. I can't do this for another 10 years. I've barely made it through this last 10. I don't even know if I can do it for another 3." I was at the end of my rope, convinced that I wouldn't make it. My back was crumbling underneath me again, and insurance was fighting me tooth and nail to be approved for another surgery. I was bedridden. I was on the highest medication load I've taken, and it wasn't even touching my pain. I wasn't connected to anything - not my art, not friends, not the world around me. I was looking very seriously at my options of what I thought was either suffering or dying.

So, she suggested a mindfulness program. It was a 6-week course at UCSD (University of California San Diego) that taught you how to. essentially, live in the moment. At first, I thought it was honestly the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. I'll admit that I was sour on it, but I said I would try it and I paid for the class so I did it. I sat through the meditations, wrote on the topics they gave, went through the exercises they instructed, and did the full day retreat. And at the end of those 6 weeks, I was alive again. I learned to savor every bite of my food. I learned how to pay attention to the sun on my skin. I learned to enjoy how it felt to have my air move in and out of my lungs. I learned how to look in the mirror and love what I saw and dress myself in what made me happy (this is when I started with the disco clothes). The warm feel of skin, the taste of my favorite soda, the beautiful way my cat purrs, the glorious smell of rain, the lovely way dust looks illuminated by the sun - I learned how to Live.

My life is still hard. My pain has not improved. I did get that surgery, so now my back is thankfully more stable than it's ever been. I know that I probably won't live a very long time compared to most, but none of that makes me sad anymore, not really. I have my bad days, and I have my good days, and no matter what, I live in the moment. I feel my emotions and let them have their space within me before letting them flow. And after over a decade of not touching my art because I felt like it was robbed from me, I paint now. I paint for myself, and I paint for others, and by God, I enjoy every second of it. I feed the little barn cats out in the back of where I live now, and I love them. I enjoy the sound of the wind through the oak trees, and I listen to my music, and I take pictures of the bugs. I watch the clouds race by when it's about to storm, and I talk to the flowers that grow outside my fence. I love my bed for holding me on my bad days and love that I have pretty artwork from friends hanging on my walls to comfort me when I can't leave my room. I dress up in my fun disco stuff whenever I can, and on the days I can't, I enjoy my soft, comfy pj's. I talk to my friends online every day and apologize for the days I can't when my pain makes it too hard to think. I play fun video games and watch good movies and enjoy fun podcasts. I Live.

Today, I am 30 years old. I have lived through what should have killed me many times over. And I am so, so happy I am here. And for however long I have, I will continue to live in the moment, enjoying the days and moments I can and allowing the bad to simply be bad. I plan for tomorrow because that is all I can plan for.

I live, and that is enough.

[soulshield39]

A compilation of things I have said while playing the Thousand Year Door Remake and talking to myself:

Spoilers ahead

Prologue and Chapter 1:

“THE THOUSAND YEAR DOOOOR! THE THOUSAND YEAR DOOR IS REEEEAAAAAAL

“Koopas are people too.”

“Gay. Gay. Homosexual. Gay.”

“I found the peach fankoopa and my mind’s eye gave him comic book guy’s voice”

“How does Koops’ hoodie work with his shell?”

“NAKED GRANDMA!” (During the thwomp quiz)

*doodlebob noises*

“I can defend Goombas having hair. Mushrooms can have hairlike features (see Lion’s Mane mushrooms). Mushrooms also have mycelium which is threadlike and can be compared to hair. Goombas are also mushrooms and therefore more related to animals than plants. Conclusion; goombas are mammalian. How koopa hair?”

“I don’t like Ms Mowz height compared to Mario especially during the kiss”

“YOU EAT PEOPLE”

“MY HEAAAAAARRRRT”

“What is my purpose” “You simp for a human” “Oh my god.”

“Oh my god I just remembered the most lovely animated game grumps moment”

“To egg or not to egg. That is the question.”

“A thought has occurred to me that the hair on koopas is probably more like thin spines that resemble hair, possibly being like quills on a porcupine (used to administer poison to something that tries to grab it). Or potentially because reptiles and birds are so similar (this is also true of Koopas given some can be born with wings) their hair is more like feathers that are thin enough to resemble hair”

“I just think baby yoshi with down feathers to keep warm is adorable “

Chapter 2

“Also met Flurry and my mind’s eye gave her Rarity’s voice”

“This tree is NOT osha regulated”

“…who’s gonna tell bowser that this isn’t princess peach-“

“That’s not very cash money of you, Kammy.”

Chapter 3

“…I hate gambling.”

“Who do ya need me to kill?”

Flurry expresses uncertainty. “I’m liking the sound of this, who do we have to kill?”

“This is the ugliest room I have ever seen, my eyes are bleeding”

“I just realized that this is Rock Hawk’s locker room. thERE IS CARPET IN IT! NOOOO”

“Have to pick between Kringus or Child Soldier for Yoshi Name”

“I went with C.S. Short for Child Soldier”

“I smell a coverup.”

“I don’t trust this fedora wearing goon. I know his secret already it’s a matter of the characters learn it”

“…is rawkhawk stupid?”

“He just blatantly admitted to cheating in front of a massive audience, cameras and probably the entire world.”

Chapter 4 (favorite so far)

“I barely started and the people being turned into pigs is genuinely freaking me out”

And I’m also sad because I gave a mother a peach item so she can feed her children because she can’t afford food. And then she turned into a pig. I’m freaked out.”

“That Doopliss bastard is going to pay for his mass mutilation.”

“Doopliss your prank idea sucks and you don’t know what irony means. Irony would be them being constantly gloomy but then being horrifyingly happy to an unnerving degree”

“Thanks goombella. I saved your mycelium skin from creeps. Thanks, Koops, I literally saved your dad. Thanks, Flurrie, I returned your prized necklace. Thanks, Child Soldier, I RAISED YOU!”

“I do love how his thumbs up could just be a weird middle finger”

The game letting me name Doopliss “BASTARD” and “Cunt”

“But god crow conversation is dull.”

“I know the smart idea is to just leave but I can never pass up the chance to call Doopliss a plank”

Side note, I am American, I just think Plank is a funny insult.

Chapter 5

“Professor Frankly you’re not supposed to break the fourth wall.”

“‘By default! My favorite way to win!’ -Luigi Mario, 2004, probably”

*whisper* “i know who you aaaare.”

“My wife died while I was on a voyage.” “That’s rough, buddy.”

“Flavio… bro. S.S. means Steam Ship.”

*me doing my best peter griffin impression* “ghosts”

*titanic recorder music*

“Mario like ‘mama fucker. I forgot my extensive duct tape and cling wrap collection. If we’re hungry enough we eat Flavio first.’”

“I told you lot to kill and butcher flavio for when we’re starving. Now he’s picking fights?!”

“Pussies.”

“That was the plan, Moinseur Deficit!”

“I hit the whacka and I’m wondering if I killed him-“

“…Bobbery has a mouth?”

“Hey, you, you’re finally awake”

“We hate you too, Flavio.”

“We’re piratin’ boys!”

“I gotta eat the science dude that’s a bad”

“Oh no, Hayzee what did Mr. Bottom Bunk’s clumsiness do to you?”

“Honestly Luigi, I think Grass was the role safest for everyone involved-“

Chapter 6 so far:

“boy I love getting caught up with the mafia in my family friendly mario games”

“When did you become british??”

“Have you ALWAYS been British??”

“That’s a terrible name. How about ‘Soup’s Fucked?’”

“Now back to my hunch! Hmmmmmmm”

“More like ace defective.”

“At the risk of immodesty you look quite ‘kick the baby’ shaped”

“Alright, Shuichi Saiharain’t”

“…that’s sexist.”

Expect a reblod with more statements of varying degrees of humor.

[purplemortuary]

So hello... again

I got lost it seems, my apologies although I know nowadays nobody reads this blog posts but I like to have a space to share my thoughts. When I was a kid I used to write so many stories, I had the biggest imagination and teachers would read my stories out loud. As in today I merely write songs and my thoughts here, so... journaling? I wonder what happened to my story ideas... maybe I got them all out as a kid and now I'm empty... anyways that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I've been quite low lately entering in an episode of bad mood and grumpiness which I hate. I've been working like crazy still not knowing what's gonna happen with my freelance clients which means stress is a core part of me as in "hey today you have money but tomorrow you won't be able to pay rent" and haven't had time to update completely my portfolio so that's fun. Little impostor syndrome is there too telling me "nobody's gonna hire you anyway, they'll think you're not qualified" and that's scary because most times I believe it.

I've been watching a show called Maid on Netflix while working and found it so interesting, obviously I can't relate to the part of being a single mum leaving an abusive partner but I can relate to having to separate from a partner, keeping the two cats we adopted together, not having anywhere to go and barely any money. And I slowly got better conditions, even better food for the three of us. And just like the protagonist it is ups and downs but we gotta keep moving right? I'm not in any way comparing myself to the protagonist because she has a lot going on and sometimes surprises me how much calm she is and just keeps fighting for herself and her daughter.

I find that sometimes it's useless to look for reasons and doing a self-phylosophy class with ourselves about how unfair the world is... sometimes we just have no choice but to keep moving forward and pushing ourselves. I'm quite depressed right now (not clinically I hope) and I find myself staring at walls cathatonically like I haven't in ages but I have to keep working, I have to feed me, feed my cats, clean the house, even if sometimes we suffer we must do things because we just have to. This is earth not heaven nor hell, can be both and sometimes just one at a time. I don't wanna waste my time thinking "what is my purpuse" or "I came to earth just to suffer" or "why couldn't I have it easier and my friends and family too", reality is that there is no purpuse and we can set ideas for the future and keep going.

That's what I've realised in these past weeks I've been quite self-isolated as the Manifesting Generator Herectic Investigator I am. I realised that I hear all the time people and even myself questioning everything and trying to find answers but sometimes we just have to accept reality and do the things we must do.

I find happiness in waking up and seeing my cats' faces, they are the closest I'll have to children and I worry about them all the time, many of the things I do are to buy them good food and other amenities. I buy good cheap food for me too, I was able to save so much money these months like never before in my life but the sad part of it is that I'm just doing it because I know maybe tomorrow a design client will say "no more" and I'll have to live out of those savings for maybe 2 months max. I'm saying it because I wish I was saving for a trip to Japan or something exciting like a concert or a new place for me and the cats outside of the city or even to leave the country. Sometimes I wish I had other people's problems that wouldn't involve me not being able to pay rent. I wish that if I lost my job I'd have a place to be but there's no use in thinking that way although sometimes I give myself a pep talk on how there are people who are actually single mothers struggling to feed their kid or people who are already homeless... wish we could all be born to this earth at least with a place for us to be without having to pay nobody for existing in that space.

That's it for now, I have to wake up at 9AM and it's 3AM now I'm trying to ignore math now and pretend I'll sleep 8 hours.

Goodnight.

[yonderlad]

I cleaned a corner of our kitchen today.

I know that doesn't sound like much, and a few years ago, when I worked in kitchens full time, I would have scoffed at that. "Oh you cleaned a corner of your home kitchen? I've just washed up after we cooked and served for 300 people."

But I've not been quite the same person over the last few years. I can, like most people I think, probably say I've not been the same person since before Covid. Or even earlier, January 2020, when I had my first public meltdown that would become many a week. Maybe that's when I stopped my growth and healing and started to decline again.

This last year, especially, has been hard. The stability of living in a place where they couldn't kick you out, was always balanced by the fear of not being able to pay rent. Or that it would be rice for dinner for a few days until the paycheque came in.

And then my body failed me. I try not to use language where I blame my body for doing it's best - try to think of a body "failing" me only if and when I die - but this really did feel like a betrayal. A body that used to carry me 10,000 steps before dawn, that could walk 12 miles a day for fun, was suddenly barely able to carry me out of bed. Couldn't tie my shoes for me, or shower.

Couldn't cook dinner. Couldn't clean.

I am...very lucky. In this life, I have a wonderful, most adoring fiancé who, when I say "how do you put up with me?" says "I'm not putting up with anything, I love you." Who has tirelessly worked the 45 hours of physical labour, versus my 16 hour desk job, and then still, without complaint and with endless kindness, come home to feed me, dress me, and wash me. I would not have made it through without them, before we even touch on the love we have for each other, and the happiness we bring.

We got my medication sorted in September, and it would be foolish to ignore the effect it has had on me. I am less fatigued, no longer taking naps daily after work, no longer routinely sleeping fourteen hours. I feel brighter, my nails are no longer peeling, my arms no longer getting pins and needles after moments.

But it hasn't fixed everything. And it's starting to look like it never will.

The pain prevails, joints flaring up at any given moment into pain, or stiffness. I cannot shake the numbness that sinks into my thigh if I stand for too long, leaving no sensation except pressure.

I'm still tired. I still catch up on sleep on my days off.

But today, for the first time in months, I made food. I cooked. Once my greatest hobby and my job, since lost to me, this evening I regained a little of my dignity and myself back. My partner still chopped the vegetables, the slap-chop we bought to make their - our- lives easier making quick work of onion, carrot, peppers. But I sautéd and seasoned and stirred. I checked the tomato puree was still good in the old way I used to that always made people laugh. I added a splash of balsamic - not in the recipe, but at home in nearly every tomato based dish - and deglazed a pan in improvised glory.

And then I cleaned down after myself. Put the toaster away, wiped the counter tops until they gleamed, put the frying pan in the sink.

And I can only see it as progress. And that can only bring me joy.