#pausing them every so often to read the subtitles and make comments

[erodri]

I just… my mom somehow turned into a jikook shipper within a span of 2 weeks and what do you do in this situation?

[shipmistress9]

FTLOAP: Chapter 34: And There’s Tears We Cry, But Those Tears Will Fade

Fandom: HTTYD

Theme: Hiccstrid - Medieval-style AU - Romance - Angst/Hurt/Comfort

Summary: Reduced to little more than a stable boy, Hiccup, despite his noble birth, has few prospects for more in life. But when he meets a girl who came to look at the horses, being a stable boy might not be enough anymore. Together, they have tough choices to make and great risks to navigate if they want to survive and be together.

Rating: Explicit

FF-net  -  AO3 -

Discord-server for discussions and questions

Part 1: Prologue; Chapter 1; Chapter 2; Chapter 3; Chapter 4; Chapter 5; Chapter 6; Chapter 7; Chapter 8; Chapter 9; Chapter 10; Chapter 11;

Part 2: Chapter 12; Chapter 13; Chapter 14; Interlude 1; Chapter 15; Chapter 16; Chapter 17; Chapter 18; Chapter 19; Chapter 20; Chapter 21; Chapter 22; Chapter 23; Chapter 24; Chapter 25; Chapter 26; Interlude 2; Chapter 27: Chapter 28 ; Chapter 29 ; Chapter 30; Chapter 31; Chapter 32; Interlude 3; Bonus 1; Chapter 33

Alpha/Co-author: @athingofvikings

. – * – _ . o O o . _ – * – .

AN: WHOOOHOOW! We're getting started again! I'm so excited! :D It feels like it's been ages, even though I probably needed the break. But on a sidenote: It's been almost exactly a yeah now since this story started! That's CRAZY!

This week's title comes once again from Walking The Wire by Imagine Dragons.

I feel like I should warn you though... Remember how I said I'd use the time to write a buffer for the summer? Yeah... well, that didn't happen. I fell into a bit of a motivation hole and barely wrote anything during these two months. In the end, I managed to write one and a half chapters for this story, which means that after posting this, I'm back to the usual slightly stressful pressure of writing one chapter per week... In addition to that, my life outside of fandom became more complicated too, which in the end means that I can't promise to keep up the weekly schedule. I'll do my best! But if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work.

. o O o .

“I don’t want to go…”Hiccup murmured against her neck, and a light shudder ran through Astrid’s body.

It wasn’t the first time these words passed between them lately, not at all. In the two months since Daniel had left for Westhill, they had been a near-daily occurrence. Sometimes, like now, they came muttered against her skin or her hair, sometimes they were filled with desperation when they clutched each other close, or sometimes it was her who said them, a pained, pleading ‘I don’t want you to go…’.

And yet, there was nothing either of them could do about it. With every happy day they shared, the impending separation came closer and closer. It was only two days until her birthday now, and the day after that House Jag’r would return to Eastervale. Their time was almost up.

“I know,” she murmured back, awkwardly turning in Hiccup’s embrace to seek his lips with her own. Their kiss was harder than she’d intended, but then even that wasn’t uncommon lately. What had been intended as relatively harmless cuddling turned into heated kissing in the blink of an eye, her hands clutching his hair just as fiercely as his clutched at her waist.

Only with great effort did Astrid manage to pull back again, to give them both at least the tiniest bit of space to catch their breath and to calm down. This wasn’t the time to get carried away, even though Astrid wouldn’t deny that she’d enjoyed it. She threw Hiccup a soft but sad smile over her shoulder before she leaned back against his chest, basking in his warmth, and tried to push away all heavy thoughts.

It was an early spring day and the sun shone brightly through the stable's windows. It was possible that the chill would return before summer truly broke through, but for now, the weather was nice enough. And, as so often during these last two months, her father had allowed her to spend the sunny day with Dagur and Eret outside instead of with her governess in a stuffy room. Maybe he’d seen how gloomy she’d become after Daniel had left, had seen that spending time with her brothers was the only thing that was able to cheer her up, and had decided that, as long as they were here at the castle, she should spend as much time with them as was possible. Astrid hadn’t contradicted him; he wasn’t wrong, after all. Spending time with Eret and Dagur was always good, even though that was only part of why she always was in a better mood after those days.

With her and Hiccup not being the only ones dreading the upcoming separation, it had been easy to convince Eret and Dagur to leave her with Hiccup at the stables so that they could… spend some time alone. It only had needed her to assure them that she wasn't uncomfortable with Hiccup keeping watch over her in their stead, which Eret was far quicker to accept than Daniel had been. Sometimes the thought about what bad chaperones they were to each other made her laugh, but she surely wouldn't complain. On the contrary, being able to spend nearly every second day with Hiccup at the stables, more or less unobserved and in addition to being here every night anyway, had been a far better way to spend those two months then she'd expected.

During the days, they never retreated to Hiccup's sleeping stall; the temptation to fall asleep during lazy cuddles and the accompanying risk of missing Eret's and Dagur's return was simply too great. But she didn't feel as if they were missing out. While she greatly enjoyed their nights of solitude, of being free to explore each other in every way imaginable, the days of connecting in other ways were wonderful too. At first, it had worried her that they never knew when the others would return. But with Dagur never being quiet and always laughing or joking and them just having to shuffle a bit away from each other instead of putting clothes back on, it was easily manageable.

With a contented sigh, Astrid shuffled out of Hiccup's embrace and reached for the book she'd dropped next to the straw bale they sat on. She'd taken over Daniel's habit of bringing interesting books for Hiccup from their library, and more often than not, she and Hiccup ended up looking through some of them together. And she loved it. It didn't matter whether she'd picked a theoretical book about metallurgy which Hiccup was more than happy to explain to her, or whether she'd chosen a storybook for them to read to each other and enjoy together. Every second she spent with Hiccup was precious, and with every day she got to know him better, she felt as if her soul was getting more and more complete.

Even though every day brought them closer and closer to their separation.

“So, what did you bring today?” he asked, the effort of forcing his attention away from the topic of leaving audible in his tone. He peered over her shoulder, hands lightly resting around her waist.

Humming, Astrid shuffled a little closer again, enjoying his warmth against her back, before she directed their attention to the book in her lap. “‘The Exotics Of The South,” she replied, indicating the translated subtitle, glad that Hiccup couldn't see her half-hidden mischievous smirk as she turned over the first few pages. “It sounded interesting, to say the least. I've never been to the Southlands, but the stories Dagur occasionally tells from the Southshore traders and sailors are intriguing. Have you ever been there?” She paused at a page that showed a foreign landscape that seemed to consist of nothing but sand. Like an endless beach, except there seemed to be no lake or ocean anywhere. There was a description, written in a foreign tongue, with a scribe’s translation written in small letters under it But between the size of the letters and the scribe’s dialect, it was difficult to make out what the scribe had written in the subtext.

Chuckling lightly, Hiccup shook his head. “No, I haven't. I’ve never left Volantis, always hoped…” he trailed off as she turned the next page.

The picture there was stunning; a forest, but not like anything she’d ever seen before. The trees seemed to reach up endlessly into the sky, and every bit of space between them was filled with other plants, with huge leaves and colourful flowers everywhere. They gazed at the picture for a minute in awed silence before Hiccup reached around her to flip to the next page. It showed a market, but again everything seemed to be bigger and more colourful, fuller as if every tiny bit of space was stuffed with goods and wares and people. There were weapons, rolls of cloth, and an endless variety of objects Astrid couldn't even guess what they were supposed to be. And the scribe’s subtext translation was useless, as Astrid opined, but that just made it more fun, as they could try to make up their own explanations.

“I agree, it’s an interesting book,” Hiccup commented cheerfully after Astrid had suggested that the giant wavy sword was clearly for slicing bread. But then he sobered up again and stroked the page almost reverently, looking at an image of an exotic banquet. His eyes were darting back and forth, trying to take in every detail. “I'd like to see more of the world one day, visit these places, see them with my own eyes. Maybe we can see them together one day.”

Astrid hummed in agreement, her fingers caressing the back of his hand where it rested on the page. “I’d like that.”

The book was full of more pictures, every single one just as wondrous as the others.

The chapter about foreign animals was entertaining, and the scribe’s subtext was at least marginally useful as in they at least could read the headlines. They’d both heard of lions before, but the gigantic beast with a ridiculously long nose and ears called an elephant just baffled them both. However, trying to explain the different kinds of food in the following chapter was nigh on impossible. Astrid spotted something that looked somewhat like Heather’s pastries, but that was about it.

There were more chapters, about clothing, buildings, and strange objects that apparently were part of daily life, and Hiccup and Astrid worked their way through them with much laughter and interest, always trying to come up with an explanation that was either sensible or as ridiculous as possible. It was fun even though Astrid was eager to get to the last chapter. She had, after all, flipped through the book before, and no matter how interesting the other chapters had been, this last one was the one that had really piqued her interest and prompted her to bring the book.  Why she’d been allowed to have access to the book by her governess, she had no idea; probably the woman hadn’t spotted those last few pages...

Innocently, she turned the page, and behind her, Hiccup sucked in a breath at the first picture of that last chapter. Astrid felt him shift slightly behind her, his fingers on her waist twitching.

“Well, I’d say that looks interesting,” she commented merrily, intently eyeing the picture. It showed two people, a man lying behind a woman, both naked. In fact, it didn’t look that different from how she and Hiccup often slept, with him curled around her back and their knees bent for comfort. But judging by the expressions on their faces, the people on this picture weren’t sleeping. No, not at all.

“Yeah,” Hiccup breathed. “Interesting…” He swallowed audibly, then turned the page with shaking fingers.

Astrid wondered idly what he’d hoped to see, but the low groan he made told her that it probably wasn’t this. Another picture of two people, with the man somehow kneeling over one of the woman’s legs while her other was lifted up and resting on his shoulder. Feeling a by now familiar tingle in her belly, Astrid tried to appear unperturbed as she flipped to the next page. “Oh, wow,” she commented, disbelievingly. “This looks… is that even possible?”

“It is,” Hiccup muttered, voice low and hoarse.

Astrid mused that, without her heavy dress cushioning his grip, there certainly would be finger-shaped bruises on her hips tomorrow with how tightly he gripped her now. But she honestly didn’t care. Their explorations of each other had continued during the last two months, up to the point where he now at least allowed her to feel and touch him with her hand. However, he was still adamant about his rule, about not going too far. And although Astrid agreed, it was still fun to tease him, to try and get to him. And judging by something hard pressing against her rear right now, she’d been successful by bringing this of all books.

She was about to turn to the next picture, wondering what else they would show and how Hiccup would react, when Dagur’s booming laughter sounded through the wooden wall toward them.

With a muttered curse, Hiccup hastily jumped off the bale. “You’re horrible!” he groaned, even as he bent to place a quick kiss on her cheek. He obviously had no illusions about Astrid having brought this book by accident, but the twinkle in his eyes told her that he didn’t mind. Not really at least.

Chuckling, Astrid closed it and put it at the bottom of the small stack of books she’d brought today, while Hiccup apparently decided that his state of enthusiasm demanded for him to hide in one of the stalls for now.

It was good that they had some semblance of routine by now, Astrid thought as she brushed off straw and dust from her skirt and shuffled back on the straw bale as if she’d been sitting there all on her own. The first few times, she and Hiccup had been nervous, sure that Eret and Dagur would notice something. But they didn’t, and with that nervousness gone by now, it was easy to act as if nothing had happened. As if they hadn’t spent the last couple of hours as close as they dared during the day, exchanging caresses, kisses, and soft words.

Just to look as if she was actually doing something, Astrid reached for an apple from their picnic basket, right before the door opened and Eret and Dagur came back in.

“Stop whatever you’re doing and act normal. We’re back,” Dagur called jokingly, which drew a chorus of groans and practically audible eye-rolling from everyone else.

“You know, Dagur. The first time, this was a little bit funny, but by now, it’s only boring,” Astrid deadpanned. She didn’t even need to act to sound accordingly bored. Sure, the first time hadn’t been funny either, but at least the boring part was true by now.

Dagur, however, snickered nonetheless. “Well, you never know,” he said as he led Squish back into his stall. “But even with nothing interesting happening here; Hiccup, you still better not tell your girlfriend that you once again spend the whole day alone with the Princess. We wouldn’t want her to get jealous now, would we?” He laughed at his own childish joke again, but this time, Astrid couldn’t help an amused smile from playing around her lips.

“I can assure you,” she replied, trying to sound as unperturbed as she could, “there is no reason for his girlfriend to be jealous.”

Dagur nodded. “I didn’t think so anyway,” he said, winking. “I vividly remember him swooning about her in that tavern. I have no doubts; he wouldn’t risk anything that might have him lose her.”

From the background, Hiccup called over, “And it wasn’t even ‘the entire day’ this time anyway. It’s barely past noon.”

But Dagur didn’t react to Hiccup’s attempt at changing the subject. Instead, he turned more serious all of a sudden. “I was just thinking that she’d certainly like to spend these last days with you too. It can’t be easy for you to be separated for so long.”

“Woah, Dagur, way to kill the mood,” Eret mumbled, saying exactly what Astrid was thinking.

She ducked her head, glad that nobody was paying her any mind anyway with them all being busy with their horses. The last hour of teasing and laughing with Hiccup had effectively wiped away those gloomy thoughts, but now, it all came crashing down on her again. Only three days, and then Hiccup wouldn’t be here anymore. Three days before the months of separation where they wouldn't even be able to exchange small letters or notes. Once more, she feverishly tried to think of any way that would allow Eret and therefore Hiccup to stay just a little bit longer. But, as always, she came up empty-handed.

“I guess we better get going,” Eret said as soon as Crusher and Squish were cared for. “There's still a little time, but I promised Ruff you'd be back in time, and I really don't need for them to play some last prank on me just for letting them wait. Besides, there's a party waiting for us.”

With a sigh, Astrid nodded. Snot's accolade was a good-enough reason to leave the stables, a happy occasion, all in all. Yes, she’d rather stay here with Hiccup, spend as much time with him as possible while they could, but she was also looking forward to meeting up with yet another of her adoptive brothers and to celebrate his big day with him. And the knowledge that she’d be here with Hiccup in only a couple of hours again made parting easier.

“I wonder what stories the Snotman will try to sell us this time,” Dagur wondered as they made their way back to the castle. “It’s always too funny to compare his exaggerations with what really happened when Daniel tells us about it later.”

“Or watch him flirt excessively,” Eret added, chuckling. “He’s hopeless.”

They all burst out into laughter, and Astrid felt the tension in her body lessen. It wasn’t all bad, she reminded herself. Her eyes wandered to the little pond as they passed it, to her beloved swans. But the surface was empty except for a handful of ducks, and, a little disappointed, her mind drifted back to the conversation.

“Ah, I think you’re a little mean,” she gently chided her brothers. “He’s allowed to flirt, remember? Just because you don’t feel like it doesn’t mean he can’t. And he’s polite enough about it anyway; I have yet to meet someone who complained about him.”

Laughing with good humour, Eret and Dagur agreed.

“Yes! The Snotman never gets complaints!” Dagur said.

“He’s too suave and debonair,” Eret commented, and with that, they continued on up to the path to the castle.

. o O o .

Dressing for the accolade took a while; her outfit for the night featured a gown of black satin with silver detailing, and was accessorized with a silver version of her swan coronet and a delicate silver brooch of a bear.  But eventually she was deemed sufficient to outshine any of the other noblewomen in attendance and Tuff escorted her to the throne room. On her way, she mused about how different she felt compared to the other times she’d been about to reunite with one of her brothers lately.

For Eret’s accolade, her head had been filled with wayward thoughts about that stable boy she’d met, mourning about how she would never see him again. And later, she’d feared Hiccup might do something stupid, exposing himself during Eret’s accolade. And with Dagur at their reception, she’d been so afraid what could happen to Hiccup if Eret had seen them touching, and then there’d been Harold–

With force, Astrid pushed that thought out of her mind. She didn’t want to think about Harold, not ever again. He didn’t matter.

Taking a deep breath, she instead focused on what lay ahead of her. Snot’s accolade, the last big social occasion for a good while. Knowing that Hiccup wouldn’t be there tonight saddened her a little, but she knew that he was still avoiding bigger gatherings of noblemen if he could in order to not get recognised. She still hadn’t gotten around to actually ask him who he’d been before. But there had never been the right moment, and somehow, it didn’t really matter anyway. She knew who he was right now, knew that he was her future, and that was all she needed. Especially now with their separation looming over them.

A little while later, she sat in her usual smaller throne, next to her father and surrounded by the Fyrirs, and watched as the relatively short procession from Westhill entered the throne room. Off to the side were Sir Eret, Sir Dagur, and the Grand Duke of Eastervale – with Grand Duke Oswald currently convalescing from a debilitating but thankfully not life-threatening illness. While they were not part of the official witnesses, they were certainly more important than the other visitors of lower rank. When Snotlout came into view, wearing a black satin tabard with House Jorgenson’s bear embroidered in silver threads over a silken black shirt and silver chainmail, Astrid couldn’t help but grin. Both Eret and Dagur had looked rather funny in their exaggerated outfits, but for Snot, it somehow worked. He’d always been focused on how he looked, after all, and today he looked splendid.

Reaching the foot of the thrones, he went to one knee and bowed his head.

Try as she might, Astrid found herself losing focus as Snot recited the formulaic oaths. She’d heard them so many times before, after all. Instead, she found herself wondering how Hiccup would sound when he knelt where Snotlout was right now. Would she be able to keep a straight face when Hiccup swore before the gods to always defend a lady’s honour? The rest of the oaths, though, yes, she could see him managing those parts with panache. Always telling the truth... well, he could bend it like a pretzel, but he didn’t lie. Devoted to the gods, his lord, and the Temple? Definitely. Act with honour and charity and kindness? She managed to keep from scoffing and disrupting Snotlout’s accolade only because her princess mask was on. But the thought of Hiccup acting unkindly or with dishonour... no, it was rightly absurd. And the rest of it – oaths detailing preparedness for war and courage on the battlefield, and more? There was no doubt in her mind that he would excel.

Her father tapped Snotlout on the shoulders with Astrid’s grandfather’s sword – still sharp enough to shave with, according to Eret – and the newly minted Sir Snotlout of House Jorgenson rose back to his feet. He had a proud grin on his face, which grew even wider as he received similar gifts as Eret and Dagur had gotten before him, the traditional helmet and the additional sword and scabbard ornate with a bear and a swan in black and silver.

“Congratulations, man,” Eret greeted him with a slap to the shoulder after the stiff formation was loosing up.

"Yes, yes, thank you," Snot grumbled. "Just don't break my shoulder right away, all right? I still need it, you know?" His words held no venom though, and a moment later, another grin spread across his face. "Oh man, it's really good to see you again. I didn’t think it possible, but I actually missed you guys. It's good to see a couple of familiar faces in-between the thousands of nameless ones passing through Westhill these days."

"Aww, we missed you too," Dagur crooned and took Snot into an exaggerated hug. It made Snot protest, though not for long, and they all ended up laughing freely.

"It really is good to see you, Snot," Eret eventually agreed after they'd calmed again. "It's been too long. Two years now?"

Snotlout nodded. "Aye. I wish we could have come last year, but it's all chaos. The number of bandit and raider groups is growing, outposts are falling apart, and everybody, soldiers and residents alike, are losing their will to live. This war is going on for far too long now."

"Well, then it's up to us to change that, I guess," Dagur threw in, grinning. "But what about Daniel? I assume you met with him? How are his repairs of the outposts going? And what was the name of that other place? Redpeak?"

Snot nodded. "Aye, I've seen him, but only briefly; we barely got the chance to talk for longer than an hour. The repairs though..." he paused, frowning, then went on, "Well, it was quite a surprise to learn that he wouldn't see to the repairs of the outposts this year after all. Father was furious. Although, there seemed to be have been a good reason for the change of plans, because once Daniel and Father talked about it, my old man was far more agreeable. Do you guys know anything about it?"

"Not much," Eret said, shrugging. "Only that he wanted to alter Redpeak instead of the repairs, because something important came up, leaving him with less time than originally planned for. But I assume that is a good enough alternative, from the little I understood?"

Snot nodded again, even though he was still frowning. "It is. If he manages to make Redpeak usable, that would truly be an invaluable asset. Father's change of mind still surprised me though. Didn't think he'd take another delay so lightly. Ah, well, his actions rarely make sense to me anyway, so whatever." He shrugged the topic off, then turned with a grin and a twinkle in his eyes toward Astrid. "But I'm sorry, I forgot my manners. Fair Lady, please excuse me for not properly greeting you directly. May I say that you became even more beautiful since the last time we met? Seriously, your beauty is dazzling. If only we could bottle it and release it onto our enemies; they would stop fighting immediately and freeze in awe."

From nearly anyone else, words like these would have annoyed Astrid to no end. But this was Snot, and she knew well enough how to handle him. "Oh, stop that, you idiot," she snorted, and gave him a light punch to the shoulder. Certainly not suitable behaviour for the Princess, but they all knew how to take it, and Astrid didn't care much what others thought.

Snot burst out laughing, then took her into a friendly hug. "It's good to see you again, little sis. But I mean it, you did become more beautiful."

He winked at her as they parted, and, with a fond smile, Astrid rolled her eyes at him. Snot was and always had been a gigantic flirt. That was just who he was, but Astrid knew just how to take it. His compliments came freely, but they were honest, and even with his braggy and sometimes over-confident behaviour, he never crossed the line toward being obtrusive. He just loved the ladies, and more often than not, the ladies were quite fond of him too.

Still shaking her head with amusement over how Snot would probably never change, it surprised her when suddenly an unfamiliar voice spoke up, more closely than she'd expected for any stranger to come.

"Um, sir? How long am I supposed to wait here?"

Frowning, Astrid turned toward the source of that voice, just like Dagur and Eret did, while Snot let out a low groan. Behind him stood a boy, which he then led forward with a hand on the boy’s shoulder.

"Right," Snotlout muttered. "May I introduce Her Royal Highness, Princess Astrid of House Hofferson, and the ducal heirs Sir Eret of House Jag'r and Sir Dagur of House Berserker. And this is Gustav of House Larsson, my squire."

Snot waved his hand from one to the other, and Astrid inspected the boy with a guarded expression. Even though the boy didn’t look anything like Dagur’s former squire had looked, meeting him still brought back memories of Harold. But just like before, she fought them down immediately, and once again wished that Hiccup was here. Even as she knew that he wouldn't be able to do much – certainly not hold her, claim her, and keep other men from approaching her – him just being here, near to her, would have been good.

"How did you manage that?" cut Dagur's amused snicker into her thoughts, and Astrid focused on him instead of her dark mood. She threw Dagur a questioning look who was looking at the boy with clear amusement. "Where did you find a younger and even shorter copy of yourself?" Both he and Eret were visibly fighting laughter, and Astrid threw another look at the boy Gustav. And had to bite back a giggle too.

Even though he was much younger and, indeed, shorter than Snot, Gustav looked eerily similar to his master. Not as if they were related though, but more as if the boy actively tried to look as much like his master as was possible. Which was confirmed as the boy began to speak again.

"I’ve been looking up to Lo– Sir Snotlout for all my life,” he declared, beaming. “I always wanted to be just like him, a great warrior, beloved and admired wherever he goes, and I’m so grateful that he agreed to take me as his squire."

"’Beloved and admired wherever he goes’... Is that what you told him?" Dagur was barely able to keep himself together anymore.

"Hey, it's the truth," Snot shrugged, grinning. "I'm a hero, and everybody loves me."

Astrid felt as if a good smack on the head would do her brothers good, all of them, but before she could say or do anything else, Gustav turned his attention toward her.

"And I agree with my master. Highness, you really are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen," he said, grinning, bowed, and reached for her hand to place a kiss on its back.

There was a moment of tense silence, Dagur and Eret momentarily sobering up again. But before either of them could say anything, Snot beat them to it. "Woah, Gustav, back off. I know you don't know better so I'll leave it at that. But for the future, no hitting on the Princess. She's like a sister to me, so that's just creepy."

Gustav looked clearly puzzled. "But you–"

"I know her since she was born," Snot interrupted him sternly. "And she knows it was just for fun. But I don't want to see anything like this ever again. Understood?"

"Yes, master," the boy said, obediently and clearly remorseful. "Please, excuse my bluntness, Your Highness. I-I didn't mean to be disrespectful. I’ll retreat now, if I may?"

"Yes, you are dismissed," Snot waved him off, not without a reassuring hand on the boy's shoulder, and then Gustav disappeared into the crowd.

"I'm sorry for that," Snot said with a light shrug. "He tries to be just like me, but doesn't know yet when to say something and when to hold his tongue. Something like that won't happen again."

Astrid nodded, arms wrapped around herself. She felt as if she ought to say something, but didn't know what, couldn't find her voice.

"You better make sure it doesn't," Dagur muttered, voice more serious than it had been all evening. From the corner of her eye, Astrid noticed him and Eret exchanging a quick glance, then Dagur pulled Snot to the side, talking in quiet voices. She could imagine all too well what Dagur was telling him, but she didn't want to think about Harold again. Instead, she focused on Eret's hand on her back as he led her to one of the high tables and gladly accepted the glass of wine after he'd waved over a servant.

"Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.

Astrid took a moment, but then nodded. "Yes, I am," she murmured. "I'm over what happened with... with Harold. I'm fine." She glanced up at Eret and gave him a weak if true smile. And she meant it. Sure, Gustav had woken unpleasant memories, but she wouldn't let them rule her.

And to her relief, Eret believed her. He nodded, a faint smile on his lips. "Okay. But promise me to tell me if something's bothering you after all, okay? You only need to say it, and we'll take care of it, whatever it is."

His words made her laugh, warming her from the inside even though she knew he wouldn't be able to keep that promise. "Thank you. Really. But Gustav is not a problem."

Eret nodded again, but his expression became serious nonetheless. "Then what is? Because I can see that you're not happy."

Astrid's smile turned a little sad, and she averted her eyes. Eret knew her too well. She contemplated shrugging his concerns off, but she didn't feel like lying again, especially not to him.

"I'm not," she admitted. She hesitated, then nodded toward an empty sitting corner near a big window. They walked there, and once they'd sat down, Astrid continued. "You're right, I'm not happy. But even though I appreciate your promise to 'take care of it', I fear you won't be able to." Eret frowned, so, after biting her lip, she went on, at least telling him all she could tell him. "I wish you wouldn't have to leave," she said with shaky laughter. "I-I got quite used to... all your presence during the last few months, and I fear how it will be once you're all gone again." It wasn't a lie. It wasn't just that the thought of being separated from Hiccup was tearing her apart; she would also miss Eret and Dagur, and Snot as well, and feared falling into a hole of loneliness once they were gone.

Eret grimaced, and soothingly rubbed his hand up and down her back. “Yeah… You’re right, there’s not much we can do about that. I don’t think we can put off returning much longer. The weather is warm enough by now, and the herd needs to return to our pasturage lands.” He sighed, but then perked his head up with a wide grin. “But how about you visited us? You could come as guest of honour to Ester’s wedding? I’m sure your father would support such a show of allegiance, and my sister would be honoured to have you there. Maybe you could stay a couple of weeks, keep Mirja company so she doesn’t feel too lonely at first. And we could go on rides through the countryside; I could show you the lands and the people.” He gave a little shrug. “What do you say?”

“That would be wonderful!” Astrid agreed, a hopeful smile on her face. “And yes, I’m sure Father would allow that. That’s just the kind of representative duty I’m supposed to undertake as Princess, isn’t it?” She could literally feel her mood rising higher and higher the longer she thought about Eret’s suggestion. Getting out, getting to see more of their Kingdom, their people, spending time with Eret and his family, with the horses – and with Hiccup! If her father agreed, then they wouldn’t be separated for months on end after all. Sure, they would need to find new ways to meet in Eastervale, but that certainly would be manageable. A part of her wanted to jump up and ask her father right away, but she knew tonight was not the time. However, she would ask him as soon as possible.  

“I’m glad I was able to lighten your mood,” Eret mused, smiling. “This is supposed to be a party, after all. Come on, let’s find Dag and Snot, and celebrate.”

Astrid spent the rest of the party in a surprisingly good mood, surprising to her at least. Despite the happy occasion and finally seeing Snot again, she hadn’t expected to really feel happy until she met up with Hiccup again later. But with the prospect of Eret’s suggestion and the cheerful company of her brothers, the night was filled with laughter and joy.

They spent hours reminiscing on fond memories and catching up on what had happened to all of them lately, and eventually – on Eret’s suggestion – crashed the party by turning it into a ball once more. At first, Snot had been reluctant, worried about how his father would certainly scold him for acting improperly. But with Dagur’s encouraging teasing and Eret’s reasoning about how this was Snot’s day and not his father’s, he was eventually convinced. They took turns dancing with Astrid, and before long more and more couples were joining them, the good mood quickly becoming contagious.

All in all, the day ended much better than Astrid had originally anticipated.

. o O o .

“Oh, Freya…” Hiccup moaned, a shiver running through his entire body. Astrid could tell that he was fighting to keep his eyes open, to keep looking at her, but every so often they fluttered shut despite his best efforts.

Astrid loved watching Hiccup like this. Because she was doing this! Everything, his pressed noises, his dazed eyes being unable to focus, his accelerated breathing, his flushed face, and his hands helplessly clenching at the straw beneath – all that were reactions to what she did, and it never ceased to fill her with amazement.

With measured motions, she kept stroking him, thrilling in the moment. It was only recently that Hiccup had loosened his strict rule, had allowed this to happen. He had been reluctant at first, but her curiosity and her reasoning that, even with her hand inside his trousers, he was still wearing them, had finally won him over. And by now, he certainly didn’t mind anymore anyway.

With a low groan, he gave in to her touch and let his head drop back into the straw, eyes closed. Freya, she loved doing this, all of it. Feeling him in her hand, hot and pulsing, was an incredible sensation, but seeing just how much Hiccup enjoyed her touch was something else altogether. She could have done this all night, but as so often, he eventually stopped her.

Without saying a word, Hiccup reached for her hand, and gently pushed her down into the straw. His kisses were surprisingly soft and sweet, despite the intense fire burning in his eyes. Astrid would have liked to go on, to make him come with her own hand, but she also didn’t mind as he blanketed her with his body, his hand wandering beneath her skirts. With maddening slowness, he stroked the pleasant warmth inside her into a raging fire, grinding into her until it consumed them both.

“And good evening to you too, milady,” Hiccup murmured into her hair as they both floated down back to reality. His voice was soft, thick with longing and love. “I’m glad to see you in a more cheerful mood. I reckon the party was to your liking then?”

Sighing contentedly, Astrid snuggled deeper into Hiccup’s warm embrace, amused by how, once again, they hadn’t gotten around to talk before. “Yeah, it was okay,” she hummed. “Better than expected. It was great to see Snot again after so long. He really hasn’t changed a bit. And Eret once again turned the occasion into some kind of ball. Uncle Spite wasn’t happy about the breach of decorum, I think. But Father didn’t seem to mind, even smiled when he saw how much fun we had, so Uncle Spite couldn’t really say anything.”

“Yeah, that does sound like fun,” Hiccup chuckled, then sighed. “I just wish…”

“...that you could’ve been there as well?” she continued when he didn’t, and Hiccup nodded. “Yeah, me too.”

Hiccup shifted and, leaning over her, placed a soft kiss to her cheek. “One day, we will dance together,” he promised, murmuring against her skin. “I’ll come to you, open and for everyone to see, and ask you for a dance. Maybe they would stare and wonder, but it won’t matter. There will be only you and me. Forever.”

Astrid chuckled at his mellow words, even as the picture they painted was a beautiful one. “What makes you think you’ll be the on to ask?” she replied, and turned her head to seek his skin with her lips. “Maybe it’ll be ladies’ choice. I’d walk along the line of waiting men, not seeing any of them, only you…” she trailed off, humming against Hiccup’s lips as he kissed her.

“One day,” he murmured again.

Astrid pressed herself closer to his warmth, and nodded. One day they would be able to dance like that. She could hardly wait. But until then, they would still have to wait two long years, maybe even longer. And most of the time would stretch out endlessly.

“Oh, right,” she exclaimed when that thought stirred another one. “Eret suggested I should come and visit you.”

Hiccup seemed to need a moment before the words fully sank in. Then he pushed himself up in a halfway-sitting position. “What?” he exclaimed. “Did… did you tell him after all?” There was disbelieve on his face, but Astrid directly shook her head.

“No, of course not. I just… well, he asked what was upsetting me, and I told him that I'm sad you're all leaving so soon.”

Hiccup nodded, frowning, and Astrid suppressed a sigh. She knew that Hiccup thought letting at least Eret in on their secret would be beneficial. And maybe he was right, maybe Eret wouldn't tell on them. But even if he didn't – what good would it do them? She remembered Eret’s promise from earlier that night; how he would take care of whatever bothered her and how she’d instantly thought that he would never be able to keep that promise. As important as he might be, he still held no real power, just like herself. He couldn’t change his House’s plans so that he and Hiccup would stay here longer, nor could he gift Hiccup land and title. All telling him about her and Hiccup would do would be forcing him to lie for them.

“So, what did he mean about you visiting?” Hiccup eventually asked.

Astrid turned in his embrace so that she was able to look at him. “He suggested I should come for his sister’s wedding. Stay a couple of weeks.” She chuckled lightly. “It would still be a while until then, but it would at least be something?”

Hiccup nodded, hope gleaming in his eyes. “It would. Certainly better than not seeing you at all until next fall. I mean, sure, Eret and I are going to stop here before we head for Westhill and on our way back as well. But those would only be a couple of days at best.”

The prospect of those weeks in Eastervale helped soothe both their minds. The separation was still looming over them like a sword, but at least the burden was lighter now.

For a while, they settled for comfortable cuddles and soft caresses, both basking in each other’s presence. The day had been a long one with the hours here at the stables in the morning, getting ready for the accolade, and the festivities themselves. But even though she was tired, Astrid didn’t want to sleep. Not yet. Too precious were these last nights she could spend with Hiccup to waste them. Instead, she stirred as her mind threatened to drift off after all, and sat up.

“So, where did you store that book we were looking at earlier?”

Hiccup looked up at her, with only one eye open but his lips were stretched into a tiny smirk. “Really? That’s what you want to do now? Look some more at those pictures?”

She shrugged, managing something like an innocent but curious smile, and Hiccup laughed. They settled much like they had this morning, Astrid’s back against Hiccup’s chest and him looking down at the book in her lap over her shoulder. And despite Hiccup being far more relaxed than he had been earlier, she could still feel him stir again behind her after a while.

“Dear, Freya… I never thought you’d be that interested in looking at such pictures,” Hiccup muttered against her shoulder at some point, his fingers around her hips flexing.

Astrid giggled. “You don’t seem to mind them either. Although, I’m mostly curious. I never knew there were so many… options. I mean, I already knew about this–” she pointed at a drawing of a woman riding a man, ”–but this one looks a bit odd,” she commented the next, showing the woman on her hands and knees with the man kneeling behind her. “I can’t imagine that to be very comfortable.”

“It’s not supposed to be comfortable, exactly,” Hiccup murmured. “But it’s certainly not bad either. It’s actually a good position, you– the woman is supposed to feel more that way.”

Leaning back against him, she hummed. “Mmh, can’t wait until we can try all these.”

Hiccup chuckled, breathlessly. “Yeah, me neither.”

They flipped on through the pages, commenting on every single one. Astrid enjoyed winding Hiccup up a little. She understood his caution, she really did. But, Freya, she didn’t want to wait two more years. She wanted it all, now. She might be sensible enough not to push for it, but she could still dream.

“Huh… what’s this?” she asked when they reached a drawing where the man’s head was hardly visible, hidden between the woman’s legs.  

Behind her, Hiccup whimpered, his face pressed into the crook between her neck and her shoulder.

“Hiccup?”

“I’m okay,” he mumbled. “It’s just… Gods, I’m dying to do this with you.”

Astrid glanced back at the page, giving it a closer look. But no matter how hard she tried, it didn’t make much sense to her. “What… is it?”

Hiccup, noticeably pulling himself together, swallowed. “It… it’s going down on you with my mouth. Making you come with my lips and tongue, licking and sucking and… and tasting you…” He broke off, his fingers on her waist almost bruising.

Astrid felt heat rise to her cheeks. She loved how his mouth felt on her skin, her neck and her breasts especially. But the idea of feeling him there…

“Why don’t you?” she asked, voice trembling slightly. “It wouldn’t… break any rules, would it?”

Slowly, he shook his head. “No, it wouldn’t,” he affirmed, slowly. “It’s just that… I don’t know. It’s something different, special in a way. Or it feels that way to me, at least. And, well... I wanted to keep that for our wedding night.” He chuckled, sounding a little embarrassed.

Another kind of fire rose inside her at his words, not the heat of desire like before but more the comfortable warmth of love. Their wedding… Gods, if only they’d reached that day already.

The next page showed a reverse of the previous, the woman with her head between the man’s legs. But upon her question whether she could try this in return, Hiccup merely chuckled. She probably could… but he’d rather she be more experienced all over before she tried this. They moved on through more intriguing-looking pictures, one even seeming to be a combination of those other two, until they reach one that made Astrid laugh.

“Oh, look. They got it wrong there,” she snickered. Sure, she hardly knew anything about sex herself, but even she knew that that wasn’t supposed to go in there.

Hiccup choked on a suppressed laughter. “Actually, no, that’s exactly how they mean it,” he commented rather cheerfully. Astrid turned to give him an incredulous look, but Hiccup just shrugged. “Hey, it’s possible, obviously.”

“But…” she sputtered. “But that’s…” She glanced back at the page, checking whether she’d gotten it right.

“It’s actually not that much different,” Hiccup explained in a calmer tone, his smile still audible though. “I mean, of course, it doesn’t feel the same. But it can still feel really good too; mostly for men but for women too. It’s actually what Eret and Dagur do all the time, or how did you imagine they do it?”

“I…” Astrid began, frowning, but didn’t continue. She actually hadn’t thought about that technicality so far. But of course, it made sense. She leaned down to study the picture closer, thinking.

“We could do this… couldn’t we?”

Behind her, Hiccup instantly sobered up, stiffening. “Astrid,” he began, but she interrupted him directly.

“No, listen. From how I understand, this wouldn’t break my maidenhead, right?”

Hiccup nodded, reluctantly. “Right, but–”

“And it also couldn’t get me pregnant, right?”

“Yes, but–”

“No but,” Astrid interrupted him again, excited now. “We could do this, couldn’t we? Before you have to leave? Just once?” She’d turned around to fully look at Hiccup now, a strange hope flaring up inside her. She couldn’t even say why this was so important to her all of a sudden. But from one moment to the other, the longing to just be that close to him before they had to part, just once, became overwhelming.

But Hiccup was unyielding. “Astrid, this is madness,” he tried to dissuade her. “Anal sex… that’s not the best thing to start with. Besides, I don’t know nearly enough about it, only did it a couple of times. I-I wouldn’t know what I need to do in order to not hurt your, or–”

“Then you can ask Cami when you go see her tomorrow,” Astrid suggested, brushing all his concerns aside. She was hooked now. “And I trust you. You won’t hurt me,” she added, then paused when something else occurred to her. “Unless… unless you don’t want to do it?”

Hiccup had seemed more and more troubled, but at her last words, his frown broke into a soft smile. “Of course I want to,” he assured her. “I just want to do it right, you know? I don’t want to rush anything, and this,” he paused, gulping. “This feels like… cheating, you know? And...”

For a moment, his eyes glazed over a little, his tongue flicking out to wet his lips. It was just for the blink of an eye, but it told Astrid enough. Yes, he was more than interested, only his sense of responsibility holding him back. She shifted closer, idly entangling her fingers with his. “Look, I understand. But can we at least consider it? Not for right now. But can we at least give it a try? Can you ask Cami about it tomorrow; what she thinks about it, what you’d need to know. And then we decide?”

At first, Hiccup still hesitated. But then he gave in, to his own curiosity and her eagerness alike. “Okay. I’ll talk to Cami about it tomorrow. But no promises, okay? If she says that it’s not a good idea for whatever reason, then that’s it, all right?”

Astrid pouted, but agreed. From the few times they’d met by now on various occasions, she knew that Cami was anything but prudish. She certainly wouldn’t be all that reluctant… or if she was then probably for a good reason.

. o O o .

Ah, yes... Astrid really is quite thirsty, isn't she? But let's be honest, who can blame her?

So, the last months have been easier for Hiccup and Astrid than they'd thought. But will that be true for the coming months as well? What will the future bring?

As always, I'm looking forward to hearing what you think :)

Next chapter

[lenaisanerd]

i know it’s expected that i be serene

When Clary texts Simon requesting Fullmetal Alchemist, he knows something's up. But Clary seems to be in denial, and so Simon dispenses the ultimate cure-all: Hanging out with her best friend. (ca. 3500 words)

tunes.

Read on AO3.

 This story was co-written with my darling @raisehades. Please enjoy the hard-earned fruits of many late-night Google Docs comment battles.

Clary: can i come ober

  Simon: Ofc

  Are u okay?

  Clary: yes i just want so talk and cuddle or something

  Simon: Okay. Want me to set up anything?

  Clary: fma? 2009?

  Simon: I gotchu

Simon was slightly worried.

First of all, Clary wasn’t usually this reserved in her texting. Her lack of exclamation points coupled with the request for her favourite show could only mean one thing: his friend was way more down than she was letting on.

But he would deal with that when she brought it up because, well, he was also happy; Clary and him used to do this a lot – go over to each other’s (parent’s) place to hang out and watch something they both more or less enjoyed and maybe even talk about their lives and their feelings and- stuff.

But ever since the whole… half-angel manic pixie dream girl mom reveal (the HAMPDGMR) and everything that went down in consequence of the HAMPDGMR, they simply hadn’t done this sort of thing anymore. Sure, they hung out with all their other friends, at parties at Magnus’ loft or karaoke night at the Hunter’s Moon. And while that was fun, it was different when it was just the two of them.

Even during their brief dating stint, there wasn’t much they did that they’d done as friends. Simon had enjoyed what they’d done together, of course, but looking back it had been obvious that this wasn’t ideal for them.

Ideal was this: Lugging the connector cable for the TV into the vicinity of his laptop, powering both up and then loading a site with English subtitles of Hiromu Arakawa’s masterpiece Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood.

Also ideal: Clary bringing weird snacks with unpronounceable names from the Polish bodega down the street from their old high school. That store had become their first stop after class when they were younger and would sneak candy into movie theatres or curl up on the couch in Clary’s living room and watch Audrey Hepburn flicks with Dot. Simon was almost certain he would be able to eat some and keep them down by now.

Well, actually, in a perfect world, Simon would have loved to cook something for Clary (the food at the Institute was a far cry from what any sane person would call comfort food. Or edible). But one of the results of moving out of his mom’s place just after he’d become a bloodsucking creature of the night was that he owned basically no dishes, or pots, or kitchen utensils.

Even compiling his stuff with Maia’s (who had lived next to a Chinese restaurant for her entire adult life) yielded five plates, one bowl, two chipped mugs, and somehow a ridiculously large amount of cutlery. So cooking anything more than a bowl of cereal was out of the question until they got around to buying some usable stuff. Simon could already see himself and Maia filling their birthday and Christmas/Hanukkah wishlists with basic household items for years into the future. Ah, the joys of adulthood.

Still, this was almost the Saturday morning of his dreams. In the past year, Simon had come to understand that while moments of normalcy were few and far between, when one came along they had to hold on tight for as long as they could. Which was exactly what he was planning to do.

“I’m telling you, Polish Bodega lady has to be a Downworlder. We just have to find out what flavor she is.” Clary started on her new favourite topic as soon as Simon opened the door. She draped her damp jacket over the back of a kitchen chair to dry, dropped a plastic bag on the table, and re-tied her wet ponytail.

Simon started rummaging through the contents of the bag. “Okay, one: I don’t like “flavors”, at all, two: how do you know she’s not just a normal human being who just happens to own a windowless shop where she basically lives 24/7? Oooh, you brought those weird milk drops!”

Clary had her back turned to him while she stretched as far as she could to reach the plates and mugs on one of the high shelves above the sink, not quite managing it. “She never sleeps. Sometimes I come by that store when I’m on patrol, and she must be there all night. Every night. And every day, too. Either she never sleeps, or she has at least two clones.”

“Maybe she has an identical twin sister.” Simon took pity on her and handed her the dishes. Clary took them and ducked out under his arm from between the sink and his body in one fluid movement. Then she set to digging through the fridge for some soda for herself, and a bag of A+ for him, hugging the plates and mugs to her body with her free arm.

“I think I caught her staring at my runes. She definitely at least has the Sight.”

“Oh, so your angel-ninja sense is tingling? Tell me, is there a type of demon that loves to disguise itself as an old lady and watch reruns of Polish soap operas?”

“There’s only so many demons that can be terrorizing Manhattan bankers at a time, you know.”

Simon let out an undignified snort of laughter, of the kind that, had he been drinking at the time, would certainly have made him exhale his drink through his nose. Clary stuck her head over the fridge door grinning triumphantly. Then she emerged fully from its depths with a bottle of coke wedged horizontally under her chin, the plates under her arm, right hand holding the mugs, and left hand holding the blood bag. Standing up was a precarious balancing act, and Simon rushed over to take the bottle from between her chin and collarbone. After he snatched up the bags of sweets from the table they continued their procession into Simon’s bedroom.

Maia and him had moved in together just after New Year’s, into a tiny two-bedroom apartment in Fort Greene. They had decided against sharing a bedroom, though, mostly because of their sleep schedules. As Maia had put it, one partner strangling the other because a certain vampire keeps making noise all through the night while a certain werewolf is trying to sleep is not very conducive to a healthy relationship. Of course, they often spend the night together anyway, although those weren’t the nights when they did much sleeping.

“Come lie down, thought you wanted to cuddle,” Simon said, sitting down on the bed and patting the spot next to him. Clary flopped down and threw her legs over his. Balancing the snack plate carefully on her lap she fluffed the pillows behind her and finally settled down.

It was several skipped episodes, an entire bag o’ blood, and a good two thirds of the coke later when Simon got to find out why  exactly  Clary was in such urgent need for Comfort TV Time.

“Did you know jat Ling’s name doejn’t need the ng sound at all? It’sh Lin in Japanese and”, Simon swallowed the milk drops, “the Chinese translation both, so they just changed it for us for some reason.”

“You’re going to regret eating those,” Clary said with such a comical expression of distaste on her face that Simon couldn’t help but laugh out loud. She rolled her eyes. “Suit yourself. I won’t mop it up, though.”

Simon was still grinning when Clary reached forward to pause the episode on a rather unfortunate still of Major Louis Armstrong in motion.

“Do you think Izzy would like this,” she said, suddenly serious.

“Who wouldn’t like Fullmetal Alch- ”

“You’re right. Of course she would. Continue.”

Simon took her vague gesture towards the screen as a command to unpause. About half a minute later she piped up again, this time not even bothering with the pause button. “Her favourite character would have to be Mei-Chang.”

“Really?,” Simon indulged, reminding himself that he had in fact watched this episode several times in his life(un-life?) already and could live (hah) with not catching every subtitle, “I would have thought Olivier, Lan Fan… or maybe Riza? One of the really cool badass ladies.”

“Izzy may be a really cool badass but trust me, she loves little girls with a passion for science. Did I tell you about that dinner party at Magnus’ place? She was off in a corner with Madzie all evening, talking about chemistry or something. It was adorable.”

“Yes, I – I don’t know how I managed to forget. You’ve told me about it... several times now.” Simon was quite proud of his wallowing pause here.

Clary said, “Well.” and when Simon looked over to her she was visibly re-invested in subtitles. He suppressed a fond headshake and decided to let her have this one.

The next time they got through a good fifteen minutes during which Clary only noticeably stopped herself from interrupting twice and Simon started quietly wondering if eating those drops was a bad idea after all.

“Could we invite her to something like this?”

“Izzy, you mean?”

“Ah, yes. I just mean, like, we’ve hung out at the Hunter’s Moon and the Institute and stuff but I don’t know, would she like just… watching anime? Snacking?”

Simon really did put up with a lot, huh. “I don’t know, what do you think?”, he said in his least exasperated voice and leaned forward once again to press pause. He looked over to Clary, who was searching through one of the bags of candy for the last red one with the utmost concentration.

“I think she’s probably never been able to do something like this but that… she’d probably like to try. And I guess it depends on the show if she’d enjoy it. Her attention span is better than ours’ for sure, though. Maybe I’ll ask her.”

“Instead of me?! I’m hurt, Fray.” Simon placed a hand over his unbeating heart and pulled what he hoped to be the most devastating pout since Shrek’s puss in boots. He probably didn’t succeed in that.

Clary repaid his efforts by hitting his shoulder. He whined out an ooow and curled up to smoosh his head into Clary’s side. Her shirt muffled his sigh, and she recoiled from his breath, pushing him away with a giggle.

“Simon, stop that! You know I’m ticklish!”

Instead of letting up, Simon wrapped his arms around Clary’s waist.

“Zis vasn’t my decision.” Simon was using his best Bela Lugosi accent. Clary’s eyes widened in mock horror and the corner of her mouth twitched upward. “You brought zis on yourself. If Izzy is going to be your new best friend now, you must face...ze octopus!” His legs wrapped around Clary’s knees while she wriggled and squirmed and laughed.

“Hang on, what do you mean ‘my new best friend’? Simon Lewis, you’re not suddenly getting jealous, are you?” Clary asked when she had successfully freed herself from Simon’s grasp and they were both lying on their backs, looking at the ceiling.

“Pssh. No,” Simon lied. Clary had the decency to look slightly guilty. “Maybe you just have a crush on Izzy, ever thought about that?”

He had expected a pillow to the face for that tease, or another assault on his shoulder, or a bit of banter. What Simon had not expected was Clary suddenly looking all serious.

“Huh. You know, I’ve never considered that. Thanks, Simon,” she said, and Simon was quite proud of himself for being as good at identifying sarcasm as he was, but he really and truly couldn’t tell what Clary was thinking then. As his friend leant forward to unpause their series he decided she must just be a bit tired of antics for today. Understandable, really.

Yesterday’s summer storm had turned into persistent rain. It pitter-pattered against the fire escape and the windowsill, occasionally cutting through the sound coming from the TV’s speakers. During the peak of the heat wave, Maia and Simon had opened all the windows in the apartment to let in a breeze and had jammed whatever was handy at the time underneath to keep them from closing. There was a guitar foot rest wedged in the crack of Simon’s bedroom window.

“Simon?”

“Yeah?”

“I definitely have a crush on Izzy.”

The pause button had never been pressed so quickly. It would have been a world record, if world record judges liked to hang out on rickety fire escapes peering through windows to see if random teenagers performed laws-of-physics-defying feats from the comfort of their beds.

Simon lay back down, face to face with Clary. She seemed way more casual than what Simon thought was appropriate for the situation.

“So…Izzy. Isabelle. Really tall, beautiful, kinda scary. Terrible cook. We’re still talking about our Izzy here?”

“Yep.”

“Huh.” Simon let that sink in for a minute.

“And, uh. How long have you known?”

Clary let out a hollow chuckle. “Consciously? About 30 seconds.”

Simon sat up. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “Clary. I know you won’t like hearing it, but I’ve been your friend for over ten years, so I feel it is my duty to tell you this: You are such a dumbass.”

With a big sigh, Clary rolled over and buried her face in a pillow. Simon could barely make out her voice, but what she said sounded distinctly like a whine.

“What was that?”

Clary came up for air. ”I know.” Definitely whiny. With a very long vowel sound.

“I mean, you’re in so deep that I’m surprised you don’t need scuba gear yet.”

A groan.

Simon bumped her shoulder gently with his elbow. “Did I make you skip to the ‘wallowing in your own misery’ phase of having a crush?”

“No, it’s just...I can’t believe I never noticed.” Clary sat up, her legs crossed, facing Simon. “I only spent, oh, the last year with Izzy, every day. And– and looking back on some… things, it’s becoming really clear that I’ve had a crush on her for a while. And now I just feel like the biggest idiot in the world, and also what the fuck do I do now, Simon?” While she spoke Clary had let her head sink into her hands. Simon was of the opinion that they had just passed ‘wallowing’ and were well on their way to “breakdown”.

Simon leaned forward and, as gently as he could, pried Clary’s hands away from her face and held onto them for safekeeping.

“Hey, slow down, ‘cause this is bringing back really bad memories of pre-finals all-nighters.” This at least got a little smile out of Clary. “Now, can we back up just a bit to the ‘things’ you’re currently re-examining?”

Clary thought for a moment and then answered slowly, as though she was choosing her words with care. “Like, for example, why I love when she does my makeup. She’s really focused and just gets so close to my face and then she does that thing were she bites her lip and narrows her eyes, and sometimes I just want to lean forward and… kiss her?”

Immediately and seemingly instinctually, a grin tugged its way up the corner of Simon’s mouth. “Should I go get that scuba gear?” Clary rolled her eyes in response, but continued her recounting of Isabelle’s many virtues.

“And, uh, I always pick Izzy as a training partner, even though she does not go easy on me, because I kind of like when she kicks my ass.”

Simon only held in a dirty joke by viciously biting his own tongue. Clary was in distress. In distress.

His friend looked up at him from behind a strand of hair as if sensing his struggle but, judging by the nearly imperceptible untrackable movement of her eyebrows, refusing to acknowledge it. She headed on.

“Like, Izzy isn't really like anyone I've ever met before? And it's so - uh, exciting? Just to see her, like, do things her way. From the start she's made me feel like I belong, when, like, no one else really bothered to try?” Clary exhaled and shook her head. “I don't know. Maybe that's a bit much. I mean, what if we start dating and it immediately goes sideways? It’s just - we have too much history together. Maybe that doesn’t make any sense?”

Simon frowned. “No, I get it. She's really important to you.” He tilted his head to catch Clary’s gaze again. “And I know you’re really important to her. I don’t think one bad date could end your friendship. Also, you’ve known her for a year. If you want to call that ‘too much history’, I guess it might be, but when has that ever stopped you?”

Clary barked out a laugh. “Yeah, our relationship wasn’t exactly a success, though.”

“Okay, that’s fair, but Izzy isn’t me. And you aren’t the same you you were a year ago. Things are different.”

Clary looked ready to argue again, but kept quiet. Her body language was singularly vulnerable but her expression was more thoughtful than anything, brow furrowed tightly. She picked absently at her fingers which were still stained with oil paints, green and purple and gold. The rain continued its assault on the fire escape.

Eventually, after a long moment of silence, Clary stretched out on the bed next to Simon and, tugging at his shoulder, gently nudged him to lie down too. Clary tilted her head so it was lying against his shoulder and they lay there listening to the city they had been hearing their entire lives. But it was different now, wasn’t it? Simon had super vampire hearing and Clary had her angel ears and this wasn’t the city they had known anymore, because they knew what hid under the surface. But then, well, New York had never been the city they thought they knew. Simon had meant what he’d said: Clary had changed, and he had changed, and their old world felt lifetimes away. A year ago he would have said this was a bad thing. Today, he... wasn’t so sure.

“Should I tell her, do you think?”

“Hmm? What?”

“Izzy.”

“Oh.” Simon tried to get his train of thought off the existentialist detour track. “Uhh,” he said, intelligently, “I don’t know. Give me a sec.”

“Yeah, of course. Can you think while we watch?”

Simon nodded and Clary unpaused the episode. She propped her head up on her hand to get a more comfortable angle at the screen, and Simon’s eyes caught on the rune on her neck, right against the edge of her jawline. That was the first one, the healing rune that had seemed so out of place the night he’d found her by the church. By the Institute. Now, he couldn’t really imagine Clary without the runes, each a different part of her new life. There were the quick, simple ones Jace had drawn in the beginning, joined by the strong, decisive strokes of Isabelle and the slender script that indicated Alec, and of course Clary’s own hand, elegant and curving. Some for protection and some for strength, for courage and speed, fresh ones and older, darker marks. There was a story for every single one. A bit of experience. A battle won or lost.

He didn’t often dwell on this, but it sometimes occurred to Simon just how strong his best friend was. She had been through so, so much and come out on the other side a victor, maybe through luck, but also through sheer stubbornness. It was one of the things he loved (and sometimes loathed) about Clary. Simon was extraordinarily grateful that, even though both of them had lost a life, they had gained a new one, and one that had the other in it.

“Clary.”

She turned her head so she could look at him. One side of her face reflected the  flickering lights of the TV. “Yes?”

“I think you should do what you think is best. Trust your gut. You’re gonna be fine.”

Clary looked disappointed. “That wasn’t much of an answer, oh great oracle,” she said.

“Well, that’s the only one you’re gonna get. This oracle is closed for the day,” Simon replied. He crossed his arms over his chest to emphasize his statement. Then, very quickly and stumbling over his words a little, he added: “I just really respect you and I think you’re really smart and have good judgement, and you can sort this out for yourself. Also if anything goes wrong this means you can’t blame me, so–” The rest of the sentence was cut off by Clary rushing to hug him. Her shoulder banged into his chin rather painfully. He would, of course, not have it any other way.

“Thank you, Simon. I love you.”

Simon smiled into Clary’s shoulder. “Love you too, Fray.”

[itneedsaying]

a complete gif tutorial

hi! so i was requested by @popalice007 to make a tutorial on how to make gifs and i am very happy to oblige! this will cover pretty much everything, from capturing frames to saving the final product. this is just how i personally do it, and there are loads of other ways to gif, and i recommend looking at other gifmakers’ tutorials to get a more well rounded view on how to gif. please continue reading if you are interested, and please like/reblog if you find it useful!

disclaimer this is going to get really wordy as i try to explain where to find things and how to do them and my thought process behind why i do them, but please send me a message/ask if something needs clarified!

also some of the pictures can be viewed in full size by clicking on them!

part 1: required materials and other tips

just another heads up, i have a pc, and while i believe most of this should be the same whether you have a mac or a pc, i could be very wrong as i’m not a computer expert and have never really used anything besides windows.

so the two programs i use are kmplayer and adobe photoshop cs5 portable. kmplayer can be downloaded for free here. i have the 32 bit version for windows, so that is what i’m going to be providing the instructions for, since the 64 bit version seems to be a little different. photoshop is pretty expensive, but thepiratebay has several torrents for it, and other downloads and torrents for it do exist. i downloaded mine quite awhile ago so i don’t remember exactly where and how i did it so it might require some researching. i would just double check the comments and instructions to make sure the download will work. there are also dedicated photoshop tumblrs that will probably have links to downloads.

if you are giffing a scene from a tv show, movie, video, etc, you also need to have the video saved somewhere on your computer/flashdrive/whatever. hd-source is a good source for tv shows, and there are tons of other sources. i download a lot from thepiratebay using a program called utorrent (i just use the free version) but beware because since you are downloading copyrighted materials it isnt legal, and while i have never had a problem, i have heard of people getting warning letters from their internet providers. you can also download youtube videos and videos from other places and there are lots of other ways to get videos that i won’t cover.

no matter where you get your video, you want it to be pretty high quality, since the higher quality the video is, the clearer and nicer the gif will turn out to be. most of the time you want 720p if you can get it. 1080p is nice and if you can get your hands on it without the video size being enormous you can certainly utilize it, but it isn’t a necessity and usually i don’t bother. anything lower than 480p can get to looking pretty grainy especially if you are doing full size 540 px gifs, but if you are giffing something from a convention panel video taken by a phone, for example, you don’t really have an option.

additionally, if you are giffing dialogue, find a script online somewhere or find subtitles. you can transcribe it yourself if you want, but if a character is mumbling or has an accent or something i like to be sure of what they are saying.

and finally, have some patience! a lot of the popular gifmakers have been doing this for years and have streamlined their process so it doesn’t take hours, but as a beginner it takes time to get everything right,so it is totally normal if you get to feeling frustrated.

part 2: capturing the frames

first you will want to have an idea of what scene you would like to gif. before i get started i create a new folder where i want the captured frames to go, and i name it something memorable so i can find it again later. kmplayer does also automatically create a folder called capture that you can use if you want. if you are doing a gifset like this, i would have 8 different folders and gave each of those gifs/scenes their own folders. 

however, the example i’m going to be using throughout this tutorial is going to be a dialogue scene, specifically this one here, just because they can get a little more complicated imo (plus i want to show how i use the text tool etc). if i’m giffing a scene where characters are talking, even if the scene is a long one with back and forth dialogue, i usually like to cap it all at once and put it in the same folder, and then i separate it out later in photoshop. you can also plan ahead and put all the different bits in different folders, thats up to you and your personal preference.

next i open up kmplayer. kmplayer likes to update pretty regularly and will let you know when you open it if it wants to update. it doesn’t usually hurt to ignore it if you are in a rush, but i usually let it do its thing and make sure i don’t also download whatever browser service, etc. it also wants to install. sometimes ads show up on the right side, you can close them by hitting the little arrow between the ads and the video screen

to open the video, click on “kmplayer” in the upper left hand corner and then click on “open files”. search for your video file and double click it to open it

kmplayer will then open the video, and if its 720p often i have to make the window smaller because it fill up the entire screen and i need to be able to see other windows besides the video. if i remember correctly when you first download kmplayer it isnt automatically set to keep the aspect ratio the same, so if you need to, hit the f2 key to open the preferences or click the lightning bolt on top next to kmplayer, and then click on preferences. under general and then screen on the sidebar, and then under general again i have my settings like so, and hopefully that resolves that issue if you have it. you might have to reopen the video again for that to kick in but i’m not positive. if it still doesn’t work try to google it. i’ve had the problem a couple times and the answer is out there but i’m no tech pro.

anyway, i then locate the beginning of the scene that i want to gif. you can click around on the bottom along the progress bar, as well as using alt+left or right to jump forward and back a minute, the left or right arrow key to jump 5 seconds, or the f key to go forward a single frame. every frame counts, and it is preferable to have too many frames and have to delete them later than to find out your gif will only be 10 frames long because you started capping in the middle of the scene, or because you stopped capping too early. i typically will watch the clip a few times so that i have a set idea of where i want to start and stop.

once you are paused at the beginning of the scene you want to gif, press ctrl+g to open kmplayer’s frame extraction window. click on the folder icon so that you can locate that empty folder you had made earlier. this is where kmplayer will save the screencaps. i then set my settings to png, continuously, original size, and every frame, like so

now we are ready to start capturing! click start on the frame extraction window, and then click back over to the video (this is why i make the video window smaller, so that i can see the video and the frame extraction window at the same time). once i’m back on the window, i hold down and/or tap the f key. kmplayer will capture the frames as you go along. the audio plays along with it albeit choppily which is why i watch the clip several times beforehand, because it can be hard to follow and is disorienting. you can also click the play and pause button, but, again, the audio tends to play at a different rate and it gets confusing, so for me frame by frame is the way to go. keep tapping f until you get to end of the scene/wherever you want to stop. i keep the folder where the caps go open usually so if i mess up or change my mind on where to start/end, i can delete the whole folder and create a new empty one to start over again. this process takes practice and is often dependent on what you are trying to gif and its not a big deal if you have to try it a couple times to get it right.

once you have reached the end of the scene, click back over to the frame extraction window and click stop. if you are giffing multiple scenes from the same video you can click the folder icon and select a different folder to save frames into and then repeat the process of finding the scene and capping it, or if you want to cap from a different video, you can open a new video and cap from there. then if you are satisfied and have all your caps, you are free to exit out of kmplayer. 

part 3: making the gif

now it is time to actually make the gif! go ahead and open photoshop, and if it is your first time you can play around and familiarize yourself with where things are. basic gifs don’t require a lot of the tools that photoshop has, and you can customize some as to what windows and panels are open. below is what my workspace typically looks like so that i can get to certain things quicker, but i will explain as i go along where the controls normally are found in the toolbar. also, if you hover over a control photoshop will tell you what it is and what it does.

to open the frames, go to file, then scripts, then load multiple dicom files. then find your folder of caps, select it, and then click OK to open

be aware that depending on the number of frames in that file and the size of the images it sometimes can take awhile to fully load. once they are loaded, you should be able to see all those screencaps as layers on the right hand side of the screen. if not, go to the top where it says windows and click on layers. i frequently accidentally cap a couple extra frames where the scene shifts and i go ahead and delete those layers by highlighting them (use the shift or ctrl key to highlight several at a time) and then clicking on the trashcan at the bottom of the layers sidepanel.

next we are going to turn these layers into gif frames! i have combined this step into an action that i use to automatically do this for me to save time since i gif on a semi regular basis, but the steps are as follows.

first, make sure the animation bar is open. if it is not then go up to window and click animation, and then it should open at the bottom of the screen. you also have to be in frame animation mode. on the upper right hand corner of that panel is an icon with four lines and and an arrow. click on that and then click on  convert to frame animation. then in the same menu click make frames from layers.

this can also sometimes take some time if there are a lot of caps but when its done loading there will be frames in the animation bar. in the animation menu click select all frames. then, underneath any of the frames, there will be an arrow beside where it says 0 sec. click it and change the frame delay. what you set it to can be up to personal preference. i typically set mine to 0.07 or 0.08 which seems a bit slow, but i find when i convert the gif to a smart object (we’ll get to that) that seems to speed it up a little so i’ve just stuck with it. feel free to change the delay if you find later that that is too slow for your taste. also in lower left corner of the animation bar is where you set how many times the gif loops. change it from once to forever. the controls to play the gif are also below the frames.

since i gif a scene like this all in one big long take, it is now time to separate it into separate gifs if need be. if you are making a gifset like this you can skip this part because you most likely capped frames from different scenes and gave them their own folders, so they shouldnt need separating. 

sometimes you have to get creative on how you split apart the scene, and there arent really any hard and fast rules. here are some things i like to keep in mind:

the camera angles - this is the most important for me. if the camera goes from showing one character to another, or from one angle to another, i separate those into separate gifs pretty much no matter what.

the length of the gifs - this is dependent on the size you are going to crop to, how much movement the scene has, how much color, etc.,  but i typically try not to go over 80-100 frames in a 265px width gif. they can be trimmed down later, but if it takes 200 frames for the camera to switch to the other character, don’t make that one gif

the dialogue - if there is a natural break in the dialogue, that is a good place to end a gif. you don’t need 50 frames of no one speaking if you are doing a gifset with dialogue.

how many gifs you are making/size - at some point you have to decide how wide your gifs will be and how many of them. if your gifs will be 268 px wide (2 columns of gifs) then you have to have an even number of gifs, and you will need to separate to account for that

going along with the first tip, i’m going to separate the frames by camera changes. i do this first so that way when i crop the gifs, i get things centered how i like. 

you can see here by looking at the thumbnails of the layers what i mean by the camera changing angles.

first, press ctrl+n to open a new blank image. if the preset doesn’t say dicom files, click on that menu and click dicom files, that way the new image will be the same size as the original. hit ok.

next, highlight the layers in the original that are going to be the new gif. hold shift while clicking the first and last layer that you want to be in the new gif to do that.  click on them, hold, and drag them over to the new document. they will probably be off center and/or invisible. if the layers are invisible click an empty box next to one of the layers so that an eye appears and the layer shows up. then click the move tool and move the layers around til the fill the document correctly. be sure not to stretch/transform the layers by dragging on the edges and corners. as long as all the layers are still highlighted they should all move at once.

next, scroll to the bottom of the layers and delete the blank layer. then repeat the steps to make frames and set the time delay and there is your new gif!

the layers for that new gif are still in the original document, so go ahead and hit the trashcan to delete them, as well as the now blank frames. continue opening new documents and splitting up the scene until you have a new gif for every camera change. the last gif i leave in the original document. i ended up with 5 camera changes so 6 gifs to start with

at this point i crop each gif. tumblr has a guide for image sizes, and the width is the most important thing to follow there. the height is really up to you. if i’m only doing two or four gifs i tend to make them taller than if i do 8 or 10 gifs just because it looks better to me. i’m going to probably end up with 8 gifs because a couple bits are a little long, so i’m going to go with 268 px as the width and 175px as the height. again, the 268 part is the important part to get right since i’m doing two gifs across. to crop, find the crop tool on the left and set your dimensions at the top. make sure when you enter your dimensions, it is in pixels/px and not inches or centimeters.

click, hold, and drag to stretch to create a shadow for what you cropping. i usually go as big as the edges of the image will allow, and then bring the corners in a tad, since occasionally i get a video that has a black outline and i don’t like to have that in the gif. either hit enter or the checkmark in the upper right corner of the toolbar to crop.

you might have to zoom at this point and resize your window. in the bottom left corner there is a percentage you can change, and now that the gif is cropped it will be small enough that you can set it to 100% if it isn’t that already. continue to crop the remaining gifs to the same size. after this i usually play through each one to make sure i have everything in the frame and roughly centered. if you need to undo, press ctrl+z or ctrl+alt+z and recrop or redo whatever needs redone. there is also a history you can pull up under windows, and you can use that to backtrack multiple steps.

next i figure out if i need to break up any of the gifs because of their length. with a gif this size i can probably get away with having more frames and i can trim them later, but if a gif has more than 100 frames i look and see if i can either trim it down now because there is a lot of frames without talking or movement, or if there is a natural break in dialogue where i can split it into two gifs. there are also times when the gifs are really short that you can sometimes combine with a gif before or after that one. that’s your perogative ultimately and what you think looks good but will fall under the 3mb limit, and takes practice and experience to get an idea if a gif is going to be too large. sometimes i go back and rewatch the scene to figure out where to split things up. i also keep in mind that i want 8 gifs for this scene and right now i have 6, so i need to create 2 more, whether i separate two gifs in half, or separate one gif into three new ones.

ultimately i decided to split my largest gif of 180 frames into 3 gifs because it has quite a bit of dialogue, and the other gifs are either already under 80 frames or can easily have some frames deleted out of it. between using the script, rewatching the scene a few more times, and trying to lipread what the doctor was saying, i decided to separate between frames 65/66 and 120/121 so that way they were roughly the same number of frames. the process to separate them is the same as it was when we had the big original gif. i selected the last frame i wanted to include in the new gif so that way the eye appears next to the corresponding layer in the layer panel, and this is how i know which layers to drag to the new document. for example, in the picture i’m moving frames 1-65 to the new document, so i select frame 65, then find that layer and select all the layers below and including that layer and drag them. then repeat the steps to make the frames, etc.

go ahead and delete the empty frames, as well as any frames on the other gifs you may want to delete to trim them up.

so now we should have all of our gifs laid out! my next step is to sharpen them, and i do this using smart objects, and the steps are as follows. (i also made this into an action.)

first, select all the frames and all the layers in the gif. if you deleted some frames but didn’t delete the corresponding layers, don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter and doesn’t affect the final product.

next, click on convert to timeline animation. this is in the animation menu where we earlier found convert to frame animation.

then, at the top go to filter and click on convert for smart filters. this creates a smart object and turns all of the frames and layers into just a single layer/object. this allows us to sharpen the whole gif at once instead of having to sharpen each frame one at a time (trust me that takes forever if you don’t have an action or do it this way).

next under filter again, then under sharpen, click on smart sharpen. this brings up a window with a bunch of settings. these are what mine are:

repeat this for every gif. look how much better they look already!

at this point, if you haven’t saved yet, do it now! this is a good time to save and take a break. go to file and then save. the format should be set as photoshop/.psd. i go ahead and rename the files too, for example, dwshades1 and so on. i number them too so i can get the order right when i upload them. with it saved as a psd, you could close out and reopen it later and the layers will all be there.

next is coloring! this is technically optional, but is usually the most fun part of giffing in my opinion, and i tend to find uncolored gifs rather boring and bland. this is where you can do some brightening, color correcting, make gifs black and white, and more! its time to get creative with those adjustments.

as there are so many ways to color things, and whole tutorials dedicated just to coloring, i’m only going to show the basics of where to find the adjustments and some of the different adjustment layers that i use most. my first step always though is to create a group just for the coloring layers. the button to create a group is at the bottom of the layer panel and looks like a folder. the button to the left of that is the one that contains the different adjustments you can make.

the black and white circle contains a list of different adjustments you can make. the two i like to use most are curves and vibrance. curves is really useful to brighten gifs and vibrance obviously adds vibrance. my advice is to just play around with all the settings, and look at coloring tutorials. a lot of gifmakers also have psds that you can download. you can either use them as is to apply to your gifs and credit the maker, or just study what they did and learn from it.

anyway, i went ahead and colored my gifs. here is a before and after look, as well as a list of adjustment layers i added:

in this case the before gif doesn’t look bad, but that isn’t always the case, sometimes they start out super dark and colorless. and i like the tone and colors of the colored gif better (you can see how much i like purples and blues lol). again, all personal preference.

whether you color or not, if you have dialogue in your gifs, the next step is adding it in! if the gif doesn’t have a dialogue or if you don’t want to add text, you can skip this next bit.

first, select the text tool on the left side toolbar, it looks like a T. next i choose my font, font size, and color at the top. here are my settings, the key thing is to make it easy to read.

there are more settings like bold and italics under window and then character. these are my settings.

after these are set, click in roughly the middle of the gif and start typing the text that goes with that gif. i usually start with white for the first person to speak, and then change to yellow for the second person and so on, so that way its clear who is speaking, but that’s up to you. when the text starts to go off the edge of the gif, i hit enter to start the next line until i’m out of text. otherwise photoshop will allow you to type right off the edge of the gif.

a little hard to read, right? that’s why i add stroke, which outlines the text. to do this, make sure the text layer is highlighted, and then click the fx button at the bottom of the layer panel, and then click stroke.

these are the settings i use. usually i only have to change the size from 3 to 1px. hit ok.

so much easier to read! also, double check to make sure that the text layer is above the coloring layers.

next, i want to move the text to where i want. select the move tool on the left, and first move the text layer all the way to the bottom. photoshop has it so that it is kind of magnetized to the edges. i then go back to the character menu and change the baseline shift setting to 5 pt.

however, when you click to a different gif it doesn’t reset back to 0, so manually reset it back to 0 before moving your text layer, then change it to 5 again.

next, to center it on the gif. first select the gif layer, then hold ctrl while you select the text layer. the order is important, if you select the text then the gif, the gif will be moved to center itself around the text. then, with the move tool still selected, click this button on the top tool bar to align horizontal centers. 

great! now save your gif again, and repeat all these steps for the text for every gif that you are adding text to. most of the time i type the text on each gif first, and then move the text that way i’m not switching tools a dozen times, but it really doesn’t matter.

your gifs are officially done! time to save them in a format that you can upload to tumblr. go up to file, and click save for web and devices. these are my settings, but you can play around with some of the ones on the upper right side. however, you want to make sure that it is a gif, and that it is set to loop forever. those are circled. hit save, name your gif however you want, and save it somewhere you can find it later. do this for all of your gifs.

the other thing i circled in the document size. tumblr does not allow you to upload images that are above 3mb. if yours is above this, you have a few options to cut down on the size. changing the settings on this window such as going from diffusion to pattern, or reducing the number of colors can change the size, but if you reduce the number of colors, you lose some quality. you can also change your coloring layers around, because making a bright gif with a lot of colors can increase the size. black and white gifs tend to be smaller.

the option i tend to go for if i want to keep the colors and quality, is to reduce the number of frames you have. its a little trickier to do in timeline mode than it is when the frames are all there, but this is how to do it. if your gifs are all under 3mb, you can skip ahead to uploading.

in the timeline animation bar, there are blue rectangularish sliders you can move at the beginning and end, as well as a triangular one that shows where you are within the gif. decide the new place where you want the gif to start and end, and move the rectangle sliders there, like so. one tick over does not equal a frame, so i use the triangle indicator to figure out how many frames over i’m moving.

then in the animation bar menu, click trim document duration to work area. this will set your gif to begin and end where those sliders were. at this point you can try saving again to see if your gif is below 3mb. if so, then save it! if not, continue to move the sliders and trim until your gif is below the limit.

so now all your gifs are saved and ready to be uploaded! upload them like you would any other photo post. i always save as a draft first so i can make sure they upload right and so i can look them over again to be sure they are looping correctly and have no typos. only then do i close out of photoshop. tag with the appropriate edit tags (for example, dwedit for doctor who) or tag popular blogs for maximum exposure, but be aware that only the first 5 tags count and will appear in the tags. post and you are done! congrats!

[sweetener-forever]

People Need Subtitles

Rating: T

Pairings: Iida/Uraraka/Midoriya, Bakugo/Kirishima

Tags: Hard-of-Hearing Bakugo and ADHD Uraraka. Pairings are in there, but they are more of a background thing. Mostly focusing on the weird friendship of Uraraka and Bakugo. This is set in their third year. Shinsou is in Class 3-A, fight me. 

Summary:  Ochako and Bakugo aren't exactly close, but they understand each other well enough to at least be tentative friends.

AO3 Link

Conversations with Bakugo are difficult to say the least, not that he hasn't improved since their first year at school! At least in Ochako's opinion he has gotten loads better at talking to people. Which is to say that he sometimes will actually start a conversation without any prompting.

"If you just took the two and pulled it around-" Ochako really was trying hard to focus on what Bakugo was saying, especially since it isn't often he feels like explaining homework to anyone that isn't Kirishima, or occasionally Kaminari and Sero. But she can't be blamed because math is so boring!

"-not that fucking difficult, if you-" Tenya's gesturing wildly to Deku out on the school grounds, it's hard to tell if he's scolding Deku or explaining strategy, but those look like his excited arm movements, so probably not the former.

Although Deku looks sheepish about something, his face is red and he's attempting to hide it away from Tenya. So, maybe Tenya caught him staring at his ass again instead of doing the warm-ups? Hm, Tenya did have a nice ass, it's a shame Ochako can't see it from where she is sitting in the common room. Maybe later Tenya will be too worn out to be embarrassed over her squeezing it.

Two years and counting of dating hadn't actually done much for Tenya's embarrassment thresh-hold, but he was starting to loosen up. Maybe next week they could convince him to actually drink with the class instead of being on hangover patrol. She's pretty sure Kaminari is supposed to be in charge of getting the alcohol this time, but he always gets so nervous and zappy. It makes touching the metal caps of the bottles dangerous and like a weird game of Russian roulette. Last time Deku had gotten shocked so much that his hair started to resemble Bakugo's. Not that she was dumb enough to mention that to Bakugo.

Kirishima got away with it though and that was funny. The two of them ended up wrestling over the couch and broke one of the tables, so Momo had to fix it. Tenya made them sit on the floor as punishment and Ochako was pretty sure Bakugo must have at least been tipsy at the time since he obeyed the punishment for all of three hours-

BOOM. The explosion startles Ochako hard enough that she pushes away from the small table and tips her chair over. She lays there dazed and mildly bruised as Bakugo leans against the table and smugly grins down at her, as if he hadn't just made a tiny explosion right next to her shoulder.

"You paying attention now, Squirrel-Cheeks?" Her glare is about as effective as throwing a rock at a tank. Which is to say it just makes Bakugo lay his face against the table and laugh at her.

Ochako has changed her mind, Bakugo is still as much of an asshole as before.

~OwO~

On a good day there were very few people in the dorms that would disagree that Bakugo sometimes needed instant karma. There are absolutely zero that would argue with this sentiment on a bad day.

Today hasn't exactly been a bad day, but suffice to say that Bakugo had not started it off on the right foot. Ochako couldn't say for sure what exactly happened, but Kirishima had been snappy at Bakugo since they left their shared floor for class.

And if Kirishima or Kaminari started off a day in a bad mood it had a tendency to spread to the rest of the class.

For Bakugo's part he kept his own sour asshole attitude until lunch time, when he began throwing looks at Kirishima and looking like he was regretting his entire life. It was an expression akin to the one Deku would get if he tried to challenge Toruu for how many sour candies they could put in their mouths before the other person died.

Ochako would feel more sympathy for him if he wasn't also snapping at anyone who tried to intervene and help. Which included her, Todoroki, Momo, Mina, Deku, and Kaminari. Granted she does feel a little bad for him, but only because he does actually try to apologize after lunch and gets the cold shoulder.

It really is a testament to how far he has come though that he doesn't immediately start blowing stuff up and acting like a bigger jerk. Instead he kept trying until he managed to get Kirishima to agree to having a home-cooked dinner an an apology. Kirishima had managed to get that, and an actual apology out of Bakugo in front of the entire class.

Which is really inspiring and all, but also not the point that Ochako is making about karma. No, that was not the instant karma that Bakugo truly deserved, but it was the set-up that allowed Ochako to sneak across the common room in socks and into the attached kitchen without Kirishima immediately greeting her.

Oh, he noticed her alright and could probably even tell what she was doing. But instead of giving Bakugo a head's up, like he normally would have with all the loud background cooking noise going on, he turns back to Bakugo and eagerly starts chattering about the weather.

Ochako gets as close as she possibly can to Bakugo's back without the boy hearing her, her hands poised just an inch above his waist, and she can tell that Kirishima is trying really hard not to compromise her position by laughing. She holds her breath and leans in on tip-toes until she is nearly touching the back of Bakugo's hair.

"BOO!" The reaction is instant, Bakugo yelps and swings around to try and explode Ochako, but she's already activated her quirk on him, sending him bobbing up to the ceiling the instant she pushes him.

"YOU PINK-CHEEKED FUCKING MENACE, I'LL CHOP YOU UP AND THROW INTO THE SHITTY PAN RIGHT ALONGSIDE THE SHITTY STEAK! BURN EVERY LAST SOCK YOU OWN AND THEN SHOVE THE ASHES DOWN YOUR THROAT!" Bakugo screams, cusses, and carries on like this, but Ochako and Kirishima are too busy leaning up against each other and laughing so hard that they're crying to really pay him any attention.

"KIRISHIMA, YOU ASSHOLE, TRAITOR!" He thrashes on the ceiling, punching his hands and feet against it as if that would get him closer to the other two. Incensed and looking like he is out for blood.

But if anyone were to walk by they would probably see the grin on his face and the way he doesn't even try to activate his quirk to get down. Because sometimes even Bakugo knows he needs a little instant karma.

Doesn't mean he has to like it though.

~OwO~

Guest Pro-Heroes coming in to lecture the class and give demonstrations are both Ochako's favorite and least favorite thing. On one hand it's cool to see how different pros use their quirks and what advice they have about being professional heroes. On the other hand it's kind of obvious that they have never had to teach a class before.

"You want to get just the right tourniquet for stopping vikings by holding your shance like this- and then twisting your boudice like so." The pro-hero Wingman demonstrates, his mouth moving a mile-a-minute as he twists a dummy's arm almost over its own shoulder.

"Of course you want to be coffied grounds as any wrong ment could break your villain's arm instead of (?????) them." He cheerily instructs in a softer and somehow even more fast tone as he pulls the dummy's arm clean off. Ochako is completely lost, especially since he started off talking about combat, then pulled a dummy out of his side, went on about vikings for some reason, and now there are villains?

It's impossible for her to follow, but when she glances around at everyone else they seem to be comprehending it just fine. Deku is taking notes in fact and muttering up a small storm from where he is standing next to Tenya, and normally Ochako thinks it's cute how involved he gets when guest heroes come in, but she really wishes he would look at her and see her obvious distress instead. Tenya is also likewise enthralled, only pausing to lean over to cut off Deku's mutterings and to comment quietly on what he has written. Ochako of course can't hear it from where she is standing next to Mina and Tsuyu, but it's still distracting as her stupid brain tries to read his lips. Which isn't actually something she can do.

"-cufflinks of course are excellent for this as well!" What, cufflinks!? Ochako whips her head around so fast to see Wingman doing...something with the dummy's wrists and honestly she can't even tell if cufflinks is what he actually said at this point.

It is all starting to become too frustrating and she's debating just tuning the hero out in favor of daydreaming about the cute dogs she saw the other day while out on at the park with her datemates. That is until Bakugo's loud voice explodes through the field and cuts right over the top of the guest speaker's speech.

"Could you speak up or at least face us if you're going to try and educate us?!" Bakugo is gritting his teeth and Ochako can tell that that is the only thing keeping him from actually cussing or yelling louder like he actually wanted to.

"Excuse me, could you not intro me while I'm trying to give a demon station?" Even though Wingman is now facing the class fully Ochako is still having a hard time understanding what he is saying, mostly because he seems incapable of actually raising his voice. At least she isn't alone as Bakugo's face screws up with annoyance.

"Your what?"

"My demon station!" Demon station, Bakugo keep up. Ochako has no idea herself.

"I can't understand a word you're saying, could you try talking clearly." Bakugo makes sure to enunciate each word with an almost exaggerated tone.

"Well, I'm sorry that my knowledge and wisdom isn't important enough for you to pay attention to!" Wingman actually speaks up, his voice rising out of the near whisper-pitch he had been keeping up for the majority of the lecture. He even made sure to enunciate every word said.

You could hear a pen drop it was so silent. Even the birds that had been hanging out near the training grounds were silent.

"Excuse me, Wingman, sir." Tenya, bless his heart, has a hand raised and clears his throat to get the hero's attention.

"Uh, yes?" Now that the silence has been broken Wingman seems to be coming back to himself, color high in his cheeks as he turns pointedly away from Bakugo to put his full attention on Tenya. A mistake, really, since the class president looks like he is about to lecture the guest lecturer. Which isn't really Tenya's style to question people higher in authority unless he has a really good reason.

"Our classmate, Bakugo, is hard of hearing and located at the back of the group. I would be hard-pressed to say that Bakugo was not paying attention. I simply think he could not hear you, as you were facing away from us and speaking quietly." Tenya nods rapidly with what he is saying and gestures as if he is afraid his point won't get across fully if he doesn't. There is also a nervous eye-shuffle he does to Mr. Aizawa leaning against a near-by tree, but when Tenya isn't immediately scolded he relaxes his posture a little.

Wingman to his credit looks embarrassed and glances between the class and Mr. Aizawa as if he isn't sure what to do. Mr. Aizawa has little mercy and patience for those who can't take criticism, especially if they are pro-heroes, and pointedly does not throw Wingman a life perserver.

Instead his eyes are like the cold waters of the ocean in winter, and all they are saying is: Drown.

Wingman flounders for a little bit more, but eventually has everyone pair up to try out the techniques that he was apparently lecturing about. Something Ochako isn't exactly thrilled about since she didn't actually understand any of the lecture.

"Yeah, right, as if you could understand that loser even if you were in the front." Bakugo says it loudly, but he's looking directly as Ochako instead of Wingman or Tenya. Making his way over to her instead of pairing up with Kirishima like he usually would have.

At least Ochako isn't alone in her dislike of guest lecturers.

Also, apparently he did say 'cufflinks' and Bakugo doesn't really understand what that was about either.

~OwO~

At least some things have managed to stay pretty consistent at U.A. over the years. One of those things is that Monoma somehow manages to stay an unrelenting jerk when it comes to class A.

Ochako had once hoped that when they started doing their once a month movie nights between the two classes that it would ease out some of the tension. Especially after they all agreed to alternate between A and B dorms to keep it fair. No such luck. Monoma still has a talent of pissing off even the most docile of classmates and gloating loudly as if it were his mission in life.

This is one of those such times.

Since they are teenagers who love to procrastinate their homework and relax as much as their strict schedules at U.A. would allow, they manage to get through at least 3 or 4 movies in a night. So, between the two classes they do manage to get around to everyone having a pick, as long the movie isn't offensive or makes students uncomfortable.

Tonight's movie night is in B dorms this time around the B students get to pick the movies they want to watch. Which isn't bad and Ochako for sure is not going to protest seeing what movies the other class likes to watch. Except that tonight Monoma is managing to top all of his previous strings of asshole incidents.

"Subtitles? Why would The Great Class 3-A need subtitles for? We of Class 3-B don't need subtitles, unless The Great Class 3-A is admitting that they need help understanding a kid's film!" Monoma's mocking laugh is thankfully put swiftly to an end by Kendou's neck chop, although it is way too late to reverse the damage done.

"Oi! I didn't say I needed fucking subtitles, I just asked you nicely to turn them on you copy-cat! I don't need your shitty useless subtitles!" Bakugo would probably be standing up on the couch so that he could lean over Monoma's slowly recovering form, if it isn't for Kirishima's ever-tightening grip on his waist.

"Dude, nobody's saying you need the subtitles, but-" Kirishima is cut off pretty abruptly by an explosion to his shoulder and he doesn't attempt to open his mouth again. Although Ochako can see the way he chews on his bottom lip as he eyes the back of Bakugo's head, clearly worried.

It's not like there is much anyone can say to him to get Bakugo to change his mind when he's being stubborn like this. Not even after a day of hard-core training that has most of them yelling so Bakugo can even hear them over the ringing in his ears. Heck, even if they weren't ringing Bakugo still turned on the subtitles if they were watching anything, since his hearing is slowly getting worse over the years.

Instead they all suck it up and don't complain further when the movie is finally switched on.

It's not like this movie is the most riveting or exciting movie Ochako has ever seen before, so she doesn't feel bad for letting her attention drift away from it. Instead she entertains herself by counting the freckles on Deku's neck as he leans up against Tenya, then moves on to drawing shapes around Tenya's engines that rest in her lap.

Of course that gets boring too after a while and her attention wanders to the rest of the class. Ojiro and Tooru look invested in the movie, or at least Ochako has to assume Tooru is since she isn't saying anything. Although maybe she just fell asleep like Mina and Kaminari had. A dangerous decision really as Jirou has procured a marker from Momo and is drawing bunnies and pikachus on Kaminari's face.

Tsuyu, Tokoyami, and Shouji seem like they're having a deep conversation with Kendou and Tetsutetsu, probably about the movie. While Aoyama most certainly isn't paying attention to the movie, instead he's looking out the window and smiling, which is weird, but pretty on brand for him.

Satou got up at some point to make some more popcorn for everyone and enlisted Koda's help in getting all the snacks safely from the kitchen to the common room. They haven't returned yet, but Ochako is pretty sure that they're just lost in class B's kitchen set-up.

Todoroki looks like he is about to fall asleep at any second, head nodding and eyes blinking slowly as he tries to stay awake and pay attention to the commentary Shinsou is saying next to him. Which is more than Sero is doing since he seems more interested in braiding his tape in with Kirishima's hair; who is doing a great job of pretending to be interested in the movie, but seems more invested in staring at the back of Bakugo's head.

Bakugo, who is leaning forward and squinting at the screen because he can't hear the movie, and can't read the animated character's lips. Ochako had noticed a long time ago that it is something he does when he can't hear what someone is saying. Like squinting is an automatic reflex that will magically make it easier to hear the other person talking. Mostly it just helps telegraph how frustrated he is. Monoma is clearly enjoying himself watching Bakugo struggle.

It's something Ochako can really only put up with for about 20 minutes. Her and Bakugo aren't particularly close or anything and he really isn't missing anything with how boring the movie is, but he should at least get the choice to ignore it like everyone else.

Her plan isn't exactly rocket science or anything, but it does take her another few minutes to willingly extract herself from her warm boyfriends to put it in motion.

She stretches out her limbs and makes like she's getting up to go to the bathroom. Then when Monoma moves his legs to let her past she grabs the remote to the TV.

It's clearly shock that keeps Monoma from immediately chasing after her as she hops out of his reach. She does trip over Tooru on the floor though, but Tenya is her angel in disguise and catches her, pulling her into the safety of his lap.

Ochako locates the subtitles button quickly and floats the remote up to the ceiling before anyone else can so much as inhale; and the struggle is over.

Monoma's jaw is hanging open like he can't believe what just happened, but Ochako is too pleased with herself to really pay him too much attention. Instead grinning up at Tenya and feeling extremely satisfied with herself when he smiles back fondly.

The room settles back down after Kendou silences Monoma with another chop and practically has Tetsutetsu sit on him to keep him from complaining.

The only real change is that Bakugo settles back against Kirishima and isn't squinting at the scream anymore. His screwed up expression is more from annoyance with the movie now rather than from the frustration of being unable to follow it.

When he catches Ochako looking at him and turns his head to face her, she gives him a grin and a thumbs up. In return he snorts and rolls his eyes, but she doesn't miss the small twitch of a smile as he turns back to the movie.

Yeah, Ochako and Bakugo aren't exactly close, but they understand each other well enough to at least be tentative friends.

[recentanimenews]

OPINION: A Tent For Two (or How I Got My Mom to Watch Laid-Back Camp)

  To this day, I do not know what caused me to pick up Episode 1 of Laid-Back Camp and give it a watch. At the time, I was a self-proclaimed “anime elitist” who scoffed at the idea of watching CGDCT (Cute Girls Doing Cute Things) shows. I had no way of predicting that the show would become an all-time favorite of mine and a formative influence on my taste in anime. I certainly don’t know what was going through my head when I finished the episode and thought to myself “I should make my mother watch this.” 

  My parents were no strangers to anime. But it had all been “serious” anime up to that point. I knew my father wouldn’t appreciate the frivolity of Laid-Back Camp, but my mother was a different story. Most of my bonding with her had been over “cute” and “comfy” things: pets, cooking, childhood cartoons, and the like. She, of all people, would be able to vibe with the simple pleasures of Laid-Back Camp.

    Even so, I had to sell it to her somehow. I descended the stairs, casually walked up to her, and asked her if she was free. With a tinge of suspicion, she said yes. I then told her, “There’s this show I want you to watch.”

  She looked rather amused. “Is it Japanese?”

  “You’ll see.”

  As we walked up the stairs, I continued to try and sell her on the show. “It’s critically acclaimed for being very calm and relaxing. Don’t be fooled by its appearance; it’s aimed at adults.” My mother nodded her head, no doubt curious about why I hadn’t brought my father along. Once we reached my room, I seated her in my chair (a large, comfy thing), reserving for myself a rather uncomfortable steel folding chair. I was eager to please, to give her the best experience possible. I fired up my laptop. It was time.

  As the episode began, I was tense. For some reason, I really, really wanted her to enjoy it. What if she didn’t like it? What if she considered it too silly? Questions such as these were floating inside my head. I could barely concentrate on the episode. Little did I know that the sight of a drooling Nadeshiko was all it took for Laid-Back Camp to become one of my mother’s favorite shows.

    Today, Laid-Back Camp Season 2 is part of our weekly ritual. Every Friday, we fire up the TV for our weekly fix of Nadeshiko and Rin and friends. My mother, being the kind of person she is, doesn’t even remember the name of the show. She refers to it only as “Rin-chan,” after the phrase the cheery Nadeshiko often yells out. My mother is very much a Nadeshiko person, you see. I am convinced she watches the show primarily for the food. Every time the narrator reads out a recipe, if it doesn’t contain meat or fish, she goes, “Oh, we can easily make that at home.” She also enjoys the beautiful scenery and atmosphere and the music. The humor is more of a mixed bag. My mother isn’t as knowledgeable about Japanese culture as I am, so some of the jokes fly over her head. She’s also not the fastest reader of subtitles. I sometimes have to pause and explain a joke if it is particularly good. That does not seem to affect her overall experience. It is a testament to the simplicity and universality of Laid-Back Camp that it is able to transcend these cultural barriers.

  If my mother is Nadeshiko, then I am Rin through and through. Like Rin, I’ve always been an introvert. If I have a book or a device with me, I can while away the hours without the need for other people (much to their chagrin). While this may sound great in principle, it is actually something of a balancing act. At times, I do feel the urge to share my (limited and obsessive) interests with other people. At the same time, I don’t want these other people to impact my enjoyment of said interests. I love anime. A lot. I think it is a great medium. Which is why I sometimes want other people, people whom I love, to experience that greatness for themselves. I want to see them watch my favorite anime and go, “Wow, that was great.” But I still love watching anime alone. It’s the perfect way to immerse oneself in the medium. If someone were next to me watching the same show, I would be distracted by thoughts of “Are they enjoying it?” or “Did they understand that bit?” or some such. 

    This is why I love Laid-Back Camp’s depiction of introversion via Rin. Popular media often depicts introversion as a negative “condition.” Worse still, they portray the introvert becoming more extroverted as some sort of “positive character development.” I hate that. Laid-Back Camp, on the other hand, respects Rin’s nature. Rin is a longtime solo camper. It is her favorite activity. Even after Rin discovers the joy of group camping thanks to Nadeshiko, she still prefers to camp solo, as she reveals in Season 2. Nadeshiko and the others respect that. The friendship that Rin and Nadeshiko share is a joy to watch, with Nadeshiko respecting Rin’s space while Rin warms up to Nadeshiko’s outgoing exuberance. They complement each other perfectly.

  My experience has not been too dissimilar from Rin’s. From an anime-watching loner, I have become someone who appreciates the group-watching experience. I like sharing my love for Laid-Back Camp with my mother. Discussing the show with her, speculating on what might happen in the next episode, rewatching funny moments, cooking food based on recipes from the show, planning an “anime pilgrimage” to Yamanashi. It’s been a magical experience. It brought me closer to her in a year when I’d become isolated from everyone. So what was it that made me decide to watch Laid-Back Camp with my mother? I don’t think I’ll ever know. What I do know is that I’m going to miss camping with her every Friday once this season ends.  

  What makes Laid-Back Camp so special for YOU? Let us know in the comments.

  By: Manas B. Sharma

[legit-writing-tips]

Legit Tip #197

or - “Breaking the Fourth Wall”

While most people think of “breaking the fourth wall” as a quirk of modern storytelling, the practice is actually quite old. But what point does a fourth wall break serve? Though most commonly done for comic effect, a fourth wall break can also be used dramatically.

But let’s pause for a moment. What is breaking the fourth wall, exactly?

The term “breaking the fourth wall” comes from the theater. Imagine a stage. There are three walls - the back and the two sides. The fourth wall is the imaginary wall that exists at the front of the stage, between the audience and the actors onstage. That wall is broken when the actors onstage acknowledge that they are part of a production in some form or fashion, or even when those actors interact with the audience.

Though the term itself is rooted in theater, fourth wall breaks can be found in a variety of media, from comic books to literature. And breaking the fourth wall can add a particularly interesting dynamic to a story.

There are many ways to break the fourth wall. Here is a look at just a few, and how you can use fourth wall breaks in your writing.

Narrator Awareness

In this type of fourth wall break, you have a narrator who directly acknowledges the audience - i.e., the reader. It’s the most subtle form of fourth wall break, and because of that can be used in many types of stories.

When a narrator is aware of the fact that they are telling a story in the first person point of view, it creates an autobiographical effect. A really popular example of this is Jane Eyre, which is subtitled “An Autobiography.” In Jane Eyre, there are points where Jane speaks directly to the audience, using phrases such as “Dear Reader” or pointing out the existence of a new chapter.

If you’re writing in the third person, a narrator who is aware of the reader can become a character in their own right. Among the most popular examples of this is Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. Lemony Snicket is as much a character as any of the actual characters in the story, with his own persona and hints at a backstory.

Apart from just giving a story a certain “feel.” having a narrator who is aware of the story gives you the chance to point things out or make commentary on the story without really destroying the reader’s suspension of disbelief. For example, a narrator might say “Pay attention to what he says - it’ll be important later...”

Character Awareness

In this instance, a character is aware that they are actually a character in a story. It’s perhaps the second most common type of fourth wall break, and allows the character to comment on the story that’s being told. Often, these types of fourth wall breaks are used in parody or satires of certain genres, allowing the character to discuss that genre.

Imagine a character in a romance novel. This character knows they are in a romance novel. They meet an attractive stranger that they immediately hate, and are annoyed because they know that in 97 pages they’re going to fall in love with this person, because that’s the way that romance novels work.

Ex.

“It’s annoying.” Jane sighed, sipping her martini.

Patrick paused and turned back. “What’s annoying?” he asked snippishly, obviously still incensed from their argument.

“I may hate you, but in 97 pages I’m going to be head over heels. That’s how it works in these things, isn’t it? Right now I can’t even stand to look at you, but if the reader keeps on going...” She trailed off, taking another sip.

***Later in the Same Novel***

“Okay, so it was 92 pages. But the point still stands.”

Patrick laughed and shook his head. “I’m glad the reader didn’t stop. Or else you’d still hate me.”

With this kind of fourth wall break, sometimes only one character will be aware they’re in a story. Other times, it’s multiple characters, or all the characters in the story. Sometimes there is no fourth wall at all and the characters spend the entire story commenting on what’s going on, criticizing the writing, making predictions based on genre, or anything else you can imagine.

Author as Character

There are self inserts, and then there are self inserts. In this kind of fourth wall break, the author actually writes themselves into the story - often as a way of having their characters interact with them, criticize them, make requests, etc. Stephen King is one author who has famously done this, appearing as a character in his Dark Tower series.

When done in-universe, the author is actually a part of the world of the story. One common method of doing this is having an authorial persona that isn’t actually the author, but who claims to be the author. Other times, the author just appears in the story, whether once or multiple times.

There are many ways you can use this kind of fourth wall break. One is to have the author provide a solution to the character, as a twisted sort of deus ex machina. Other times, the author may relay to the characters information that they couldn’t otherwise know. And one of the most common reasons to do this is simply to allow the characters to comment on the story to the author - especially interesting or amusing if the author has been pretty hard on their reader.

Ex.

“You killed my mother. You sent my brother to prison. Do you enjoy making me suffer?” Tobias stared down at the floor, unwilling to look at the woman who had put him through so much pain.

“I don’t know if I enjoy it,” said Meg. “But tragedy is interesting, and I want to write an interesting story, you know.” She slid down onto the floor next to Tobias and glanced over at him. “I feel bad about the things I’ve done to you. I really do. But I don’t regret anything I’ve written. It had to happen, otherwise you’d just be some kid sitting at home, going to school every day, watching cat videos on the Internet. People already do all that stuff. They don’t want to read about it.”

Anyway, these are just a few examples of ways you can break the fourth wall, ordered from most subtle to most obvious. One thing you may be wondering at this point is when to actually use a fourth wall break.

Really, it depends on the tone you’re trying to set for your story. As I said, breaking the fourth wall can make a story feel more "real” if you’re using an approach that makes a story read like an autobiography.

On the other hand, it can be used to completely break a reader’s suspension of disbelief. That may sound scary, but it can also be really interesting. That’s especially true with comedic stories, satires, and parodies.

And finally, one of my favorites. A fourth wall break can be used to pull the reader into the story and make them a part of the world they’re reading about. That happens in The Neverending Story. In this movie/novel, a character is reading a story without realizing they are part of the story, until he’s pulled into the story he’s reading about. The movie version points out that there is an audience watching the boy who is reading the story, breaking multiple walls.

There are a lot of ways to use fourth wall breaks, so give it a try. Even if it’s only as a writing exercise to get to know your characters better, or to get to know the world you’ve created.

[romaniassexdungeon]

LeoJidemic- gay and terror

Day two- social media

Pairing: LeoJi

Second fill for @rarepairsonice

I’m gonna be honest- most of these are LeoJi. This was the one that first gave me the idea to fill these prompts out as fics and not art, when I kept thinking of what Leo and Guang Hong would say watching a certain bad film together, and how they would probably make a habit out of watching awful films and laughing about it, so at least something good came out of me watching Birdemic. Not a lot, but something.

Unfortunately, it meant I had to watch the film again to write this and now I wanna die. You might want to have the film open in another tab to understand what’s going on.

Warnings: alcohol and some sexual humour

...

There were moments in Guang Hong’s life when he knew the best course of action would be to say a firm ‘no, that sounds like a terrible idea and something I’ll regret’ but deep in his heart, he knew the only thing he’d be saying was ‘let’s do this Leo. That’s a great idea, Leo’. ...I’m in love with you, Leo and would do anything for you down to watching the worst films in existence.

At this point, Leo didn’t even need ‘Viktor Nikiforov will be there’ to convince Guang Hong to do the reckless and ridiculous. He could do it with his own charm. Nothing Leo suggested they did was something Guang Hong would be genuinely uncomfortable with, or either illegal or immoral, just things that made him question what exactly his heart was doing here. It was now thanks to Leo that he’d taken Viktor Nikiforov’s actual real life boxers to the face; had stayed up til four in the morning swapping local memes when he had an exam the next day, purely because it was fun; prank-called half their friends; both dressed up as playboy bunnies last halloween to go trick-or-treating, which ended up in them receiving more money than candy; and end up buying a whole horde of stuffed animals every time they met up without fail.

Still, this would be a laugh. Sure, he’d hate himself, his life and worry for the future of cinema, but there would be a few laughs along the way, right?

Right?

Movie ‘dates’ between them were commonplace now, squeezed into whatever time they both had together that wasn’t interrupted by school, college, practice or much-needed sleep. First thing on the agenda was both their top favourites, get that squared out of the way, then films that had been banned or censored in each other’s countries and new releases neither had seen yet. When the pool of possible films to watch started becoming a little underwhelming, Leo suggested they go all out with finding films so bad they were an adventure. As something of a film snob, Guang Hong wasn’t sure he could see where the humour was there. Even when Leo put on ‘the Room’, Guang Hong had mostly been terrified. For humanity and every film industry in the world. It was agony. Torture. Only the start of a string of terrible ideas.

Over time, Guang Hong did find these late nights all the more enjoyable, no school or practice the next day, curled under his bedsheets in his and Leo’s own little world. Well, maybe Leo couldn’t be there in person, but Guang Hong could cuddle up to his tablet. Between Leo’s jokes and some genuinely unbelievable moments, Guang Hong found himself having to stifle laughter more often. He still felt bad for the world though.

There was no way one could not laugh in mild terror at the poorly animated Titanic musical with the rapping dog, though Leo’s laughter seemed to turn to sobbing at the singing mice. The other Titanic musical, the one where no one ended up dying, created more confusion than humour though, but even they had to laugh at the ridiculous plot. Foodfight was just straight up disgusting though, same with the bee-human relationship in Bee Movie.

And now, all Guang Hong had to do was read the title of the youtube video on their shared screen to know he was in for a long night.

Birdemic.

Birdemic…

Bird… demic...

BIRD-FUCKING-DEMIC?

Or to give it it’s proper title: Birdemic: shock and terror.

Shock and terror seemed to be pretty apt words here.

“Where do you find these?” he groaned.

On a webcam in the corner, Leo just shrugged. “Internet.”

“Why can’t you watch hentai like a normal person?”

“We can watch some of that together if it floats your boat, babe,” Leo told him slyly.

“Nah, my parents might walk in. Not that I’d want them to walk in and see me watching this either.”

“Shall we start then? I’m in the mood for some self-loathing.”

Guang Hong chuckled. “I’m not but play away.”

“Let’s do this.” Leo hit the play button, and after some poorly animated company logos, Guang Hong was greeted with a car scene. Not a car chase, but a guy driving his car along a country lane. For the first four minutes of the film. That was it. There were credits, of course, and some calming music; an overture? Really? Didn’t that go out of style in the sixties or something? Okay, not a terrible start, but it was a little dull.

“My favourite bit so far is the Portuguese subtitles,” Leo commented. “I think whoever wrote them’s brain broke from this.”

“I don’t speak Portuguese,” replied Guang Hong sadly.

“Neither can I, technically, but you don’t really have to to understand a sarcastic ‘Ator 10/10’,” he gave a slightly worried smile, “I should warn you, I’ve only seen one scene from this beforehand and… we’re in for a treat, let me tell you.”

“Yay,” Guang Hong groaned, “camera’s a bit… lopsided.”

“So’s his parking,” replied Leo once the overture had finally stopped and what was presumably the main character got out of his car.

“He looks lost.”

“And confused.”

When the main character finally entered a cafe, the waitress greeted him… or what Guang Hong thought was meant to be a greeting. It seemed more like a threat. Who edited this? “What the-”

“I’m gonna need to replay that.” Yup, the waitress definitely seemed to shout ‘hi’ at the protagonist. What did he ever do to her? Was it going to cut to a ‘one month earlier’ scene of him leaving a lousy tip?

“Why does the audio keep cutting out?” he asked.

“Because someone apparently got their cinematography degree free in a cereal box.”

“I wish those were really a thing.”

“I wish this wasn’t a thing.”

I wish we were a thing, Guang Hong’s brain slyly told him. He hoped he’d not said that out loud. It was hard to tell this late at night.

“Hot girl alert!” cried Leo, breaking Guang Hong’s heart ever so slightly. “What’s she doing in a movie like this?”

“Probably can’t act.”

“Yeah...”

“Did he just get up without ordering anything to chase after her? Who does that?”

“Yeah, wake up and smell the restraining order already!”

“He’s so creepy,” Guang Hong whined.

“And you were right, she can’t act,” replied Leo, “I mean, he’s still the worst, but-”

“Lee Seung Gil trying to be sexy is less wooden than him,” the boy finished helpfully.

“He’s creeping me out too,” Leo wrinkled his nose.

“I’m a fashion model.” “And a beautiful one too.”

“Ever seen an ugly model?” asked Leo.

“He’s running after her again?”

Leo burst out laughing. “She looks so uncomfortable leave her alone!”

“So are we just watching his day now?” asked Guang Hong after a few minutes, “like, his whole boring day?”

“Seems so.”

“Give this film all the awards. All of them.”

“Oh good, now he’s at work. Fucking riveting.” Leo flopped back in his chair, giving a groan like a dying buffalo.

“At least it’s going well from him.” The protagonist had started cheering, but even that sounded fake and half-assed. “I hope his office is more than fifty feet away from any modelling studios.”

“Speaking of which,” Leo nodded at a shot of said studio, “let’s see how she’s getting on.”

“Are we just watching her have photos taken in different clothes now? Yay.”

“Oooh, she got signed by Victoria’s Secret.”

“That easy, huh?”

“So they’re letting everyone’s dreams come true before they’re killed in the Birdemic? That’s nice of them.”

A few moments later, and Leo burst out laughing. “She has a flip phone? What the hell? Even my grandma has a smart phone.”

“This conversation’s so fake I’m surprised Phichit isn’t using it as makeup.” He didn’t know why he said that; Phichit was lovely. He’d probably have laughed at that anyway.

“That’s mean,” Leo chided, “they’re not very good at splicing each shot together though. Wow.”

And a few moments even later, Guang Hong was watching a basketball scene, for some reason. Or two guys giving up playing basketball because of a heatwave… in winter? Okay. “‘A day without sex is a day wasted man’? What on earth-”

“A day watching this film is a day wasted.”

“I had cake today; I wouldn’t consider that a day wasted.”

“I wish I had cake.”

“I wish we were watching something else.”

The next scene, however, was even more absurd.

“This guy’s installing a solar panel… is that all there was to that scene?”

“Seems so,” Leo gave a shrug.

“Where are the birds anyway? You promised me a birdemic, de la Iglesia.”

“Give it some time. There’s the bad romance plot to get out of the way first.”

And bad romance plot there was, complete with dates devoid of all chemistry. Really, it was the characters repeating pretty much what had happened in the movie already, with bad audio. It was so boring, in fact, that Leo left halfway through to make himself a Margarita. The cocktail, not the pizza. Guang Hong didn’t blame him, but it also meant Leo missed an actual moment with some chemistry involving the love interest talk about her cat.

“If I could afford it, I’d have at least ten of them.”

It was then that Guang Hong wondered, in horror, if this was actually a webcam filming one of Yuri and Otabek’s dates. He was going to throw up.

When Leo came back, complete with alcoholic drink, Guang Hong requested he pause the movie so he could sneak into the kitchen and grab a milkshake. Maybe they could make a drinking game out of it. The next scene involved Love Interest [he couldn’t remember any of their names] summarizing to her mother everything that happened. Leo downed his cocktail and went to make another.

“Did her mom suggest she get herself a sugar daddy?” he asked when they’d resumed watching.

“Best character in the whole damn film.” Guang Hong wondered if that’s what Yuuri’s mom had told him at some point.

“Please don’t let the two friends do it,” whined Leo, “I’m not sure I could take the weirdness.”

“Why does she have one plain white poster with ‘imagine peace’ on it? Who has that in their room?”

“She’s hot too,” Leo mumbled.

“If only she could act… if only any of them could...”

The next scene almost broke Guang Hong. “Are they just gonna… keep clapping… this whole time?”

“Whilst the audio keeps cutting out? Oh God.”

“Your God cannot help you anymore,” Guang Hong moaned.

“No really, that was the whole meeting? Them all clapping? Who made this?”

“Oh no wait, the guy’s friend has a remote controlled car. Think that was in his briefcase?” Guang Hong giggled, “it’s what I would take to a meeting.” Oh boy, did he just love Perpetually Horny Friend.

“-Chicks love cars, if you wanna get into their pants you better have a nice, hot ferrari.” “She’s my hot ferrari.”

“You’re my hot ferrari, Jiji,” said Leo with a lopsided grin, now on his third Margarita. Guang Hong really needed to have a word with him about that nickname...

“You’re mine, treasure.” Sometimes Guang Hong didn’t know if what they had was bromance or just straight up romance. That was also something he needed to talk to Leo about at some point, and was looking forward to it less than explaining Leo kept affectionately referring to him as ‘penis’. It was funny when they were alone, less so when walking down a busy street in Shanghai.

“Wow, a double date to see ‘an inconvenient truth’, how romantic.” Leo rolled his eyes. “And is that girl wearing an ‘imagine peace’ t-shirt?”

“Of course, guy who wants ferrari how wants an environmentally friendly car. This by any chance trying to push a clean energy agenda?”

“Maybe. Though to be fair, when I saw ‘an inconvenient truth’ I wanted to live in a cave.”

“If they wanted to make more of an impact with their global warming message, they should’ve set it here instead.”

“Is that guy’s friend talking about sex again?” Leo pulled a face, “he makes Chris look like a nun.”

“Funny image. Wish there were birds in this.”

“Give it time.”

So Guang Hong did. What he got instead was more stiff, lifeless romance right up to a drawn out dance scene in an incredibly empty bar. Seriously, just the main couple and the guy singing. Not to mention the dancing was less than impressive. Or was it impressive in how bad it is? It was like watching his parents, or a drunk Yuuri. No wait, drunk Yuuri was way more entertaining.

“I know what my next short programme music will be,” Leo commented with a laugh.

“Not if I do it first,” replied Guang Hong, grinning stupidly. He’d even steal the couple’s crap dance moves.

That scene, as long winded as it was, ended all too soon for them, and now they were faced with what could be the most awkward, wooden sex scene in the history of film. No really, it just looked like someone was filming to random people making out in their underwear. It was just unedited kissing on a bed… Oh God, was Leo showing him porn? He wished it was them in that motel. Was that what Leo was trying to say?

He didn’t have time to dwell on it though because, at last, he was greeted with the birdemic. And boy was that worth the wait. He’d almost jumped out of bed at the sudden onslaught of screeching from what he assumed was poorly-animated birds.

“Holy fuck,” whispered Leo.

“Are those birds… dive bombing into houses and exploding… whilst making plane noises?” Guang Hong’s brain was on the verge of melting at this point. Oh, and the explosion effects were just as bad as the birds themselves. This was hell for him, but at the same time there was something glorious about it.

No wait, the animations of the birds hovering in the air was the worst special effect. He was going to cry.

“They’re just floating in front of those houses,” hissed Leo in disbelief, peeking out between his fingers, “there’s no attacking animation.”

“I know this is probably not what needs to be focused on,” said Guang Hong, “the couple are wearing the exact same clothes from the night before. They’re not even rumpled or anything, not even their hair.”

“Must’ve got tired from sucking face and not done anything else. Just gone straight to sleep.”

“Weak.”

Leo’s eyebrows shot up. “Christ. I’m almost scared to find out what it would be like to make lo-”

“Oh I’d cover you like a birthday cake. I would condition your hair with my jizz.”

“Dude, same,” Leo drew out the last word, grinning stupidly. “I’d bend you over like a car seat.” No wonder Phichit- along with everyone else- had no idea if they were dating or not.

“It’s late and I’m being silly,” Guang Hong tried to explain.

Leo wiggled his eyebrows and held up his glass, “don’t worry about it; I’ve not been adding lime juice to the last five of these.”

“You’ve had five...”

“Have you been watching this damn film?”

“Not recently, we’ve been talking.”

“Well the best scene’s about to come up,” Leo rubbed his hands in anticipation.

Guang Hong’s eyes flickered back to the video on screen. “Who’s this dude and why is he collecting coat hangers?”

“To fight the birds.”

“...Coat hangers?”

“I know right? They’re birds, not abortions.”

“Leo!”

Leo held up his glass again. “Five! Remember?”

“Bloody hell...”

“Here we go,” Leo grinned with glee and Guang Hong’s brain finally melted.

They were swatting at birds… with coat hangers. If that wasn’t enough, the birds were just poor animations, barely moving on the top layer of the shot. They weren’t hitting them, and the birds kept flapping, stationary. This was it, this was what was going to kill him.

“What the fuck,” he whispered, covering his face with his hands and keeping the tablet propped on his knees.

“Told you!” Leo had actually fallen off his chair laughing. He was purple in the face by the time he’d managed to climb back up.

“How long of this crap is there left to go?” he moaned.

“About forty minutes. Why?”

“I’m not sure I can make it,” Guang Hong wiped his forehead, “the birds got me… go on… without me… tell my wife I love her...”

“Babe please, hold on for me!”

“I… can’t...” And Guang Hong collapsed on his pillow, eyes shut and tongue lolling.

“Come on man stop fucking around we still have forty minutes of this shit to go.”

[planetarywho]

What the hell is going on with the world? It feels like only yesterday I came here to write an eulogy to Brazil's National Museum. St. Sulspice burned, what, weeks ago? And now this. Notre Dame. Another piece of history up in flames.

It's so hard talking about this one. So very difficult. More than all the others, in my heart, even if there are no such things as rankings in history: objectively, it's all equally depressing. But seeing Notre Dame burn felt visceral, knowing it had been built in a time we no longer can access, reflecting in its walls, in its construction, ideals that are foreign to us, but ever so present in as far as we keep hoping for something better, and seeking to shine our own colourful reflections in the world.

I babble. Yesterday - the day of the fire - I started writing, but couldn't go through with it. It just hurt. So, today, I shall try again, to find catharsis somehow, to be able to look at the photos, be them from before or from now, without it feeling like it does.

I know it is selfish and self-centred to write about the impact a tragedy such as that has in my life, and not in the world. But, honestly, what more can be said about its lost for humanity that hasn't already, and by people far more talented and knowledgeable? Having Notre Dame burn is shocking wherever you are, whoever you may be. It's an icon, one of the most recognisable images out there, and it means many different things to different people. What to add, so, other than one of these tiny meanings, these small pieces of a collective mind and memory?

Yesterday, as I was leaving my Modern History class, I saw students covering their mouths, whispering and pointing at their phones. A girl ran out of the classroom. Another went to show whatever it was to the professor, who seemed completely incredulous. I had no clue what was going on, and no desire to know it, and so left the class peacefully. The History floor was filled with people in hushed conversation. There were muffled sobs coming from a side corridor. Still, it was a surprisingly silent commotion. It felt like mourning.

I kept on walking. Being someone who's only finishing leftover courses, if I knew five people in that crowd by name it would've been too many. Their pain felt foreign, and I believed to be so.

After Modern History, as irony is, I went to Medieval Art History. There was also conversation in this corridor, and people wondering if the professor would be there at all, at least on time. Finally, I asked a girl what had happened.

"Don't you know?" She said, pointedly. "Notre Dame is on fire. The spire fell a few minutes ago."

I stared at her for a beat, than thanked her for the information, and just... Paused. Tried to connect those words with what I had in my mind, with the idea of that place, and simply couldn't. It felt unreal.

When my grandmother died, a few years ago, I didn't cry. I was polite and helpful, answering people, helping my dad with funeral arrangements, choosing flowers and calling relatives. It took me months to actually be able to mourn her properly. For the first few days, I felt unreal, as if I was the ghost, floating through other people's lives but never touching them more than in passing, never being solid enough to have a purpose of my own. I was functional, but not quite human, not in a way that could be fully described as such. Until finally crumbling down, all that time later, though I talked about her to people, I did so without picturing her face, or voice, or stories. To think of her was impossible if I wanted to remain in control of myself, so I didn't. Something very similar happened years before, when a close friend died of cancer while I was out of town, and, believing I knew already, someone commented on his funeral (that had taken place less than a week before) during my birthday. The shock took a while to set. It is still bittersweet to see December arriving, every year, after this.

The fire at Notre Dame feels somehow similar to that. When the National Museum crumbled in ash, I actually wept, and could talk about it clearly, be it in real life or online. Now I can only seem to ramble on and on, circling the subject, but never approaching it, never reaching close enough to feel it all. The margins are already overwhelming.

Said Art History class was about gothic vitrals. I think it's fairly obvious that about half the images in the professor's presentation were of said cathedral. I have never seen a classroom like that before. It was as if we all feared making any noise beyond the bare minimum, trying to keep the silence. The professor tried to talk about it at the start. She mentioned how Notre Dame had survived many fires before, as would remain - and if she added a bitter comment under her breath about this being avoidable these days in a way that wasn't in the past, who can blame her? We went through the motions, and dutifully wrote down common themes, techniques, and ecclesiastical changes that were behind the passage from Romanic to Gothic. We asked questions when expected to. She very quickly finished both this subject and the next - paintings, and similar arts -, and said an early goodbye. We left in silence.

It is rare to feel this kind of collective shock in a History course. If you don't know historians, let me tell you: we're loud, when confined in close quarters with our peers, and argumentative as hell. There are little cliques inside de Academia formed by those who follow a certain method, and/or study a certain theme. The ones who follow Foucault are friendly with the ones who like Certeau, and often with the postmodernists. Everyone else - including, on occasion, ourselves - hates the postmodernists with a passion. Most medievalists scoff at the Foucaultians, and are not terribly fond of the Marxists. The Marxists don't really like anyone, but specially the Cultural Historians.

I think I painted the picture: we don't agree a lot. To truly unite us is no easy feat. But everyone was in one kind of mourning or another yesterday. We were all together, working as a collective mind - or, perhaps, a collective heart. There was no place for anything else other than pain.

When I was three, I asked my parents - with all the solemnity only a clueless kid can have - for a very specific present for my fourth birthday: to go to the Louvre. I had seen images of the art on a kids show, you see, and a few books, and believed Paris to be no further from Curitiba than the nearest beach (which is an hour or two by car). So, they sat down with me, and talked about Paris, and explained where it was, and what this distance meant. They showed me yet more pictures in encyclopedias: of the Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triomphe, the Molin Rouge and, of course, of Notre Dame. Paris became a new Neverland in my mind, a place filled with adventure and magic, as far from boring reality as it could be. I had images of all those places stapled to my walls, talked for hours about the works of art there, and about all the things I'd visit when I grew up ("see, it's not all the Louvre, there are things I wanna see all over the city"). Through the years, my obsessions shifted around, going from one monument or historical site to another, but never truly leaving. At around age seven, during my ancient mythology fase, It was all in the Egyptian and Greek collections, the neoclassic art, the Obelisk. Later, about age twelve, it were the catacombs, and the graves of writers and poets. At around fifteen or sixteen, it was time for the Molin Rouge, and the cafes of Montmartre. There was a time for Versailles, other for the Tower, other for Monet's Gardens.

Notre Dame's first time in the spotlight of my dreams came, like for so many, right after I first saw Disney's Hunchback for the first time. Yes, I know. Such a silly reason, in a way. One of the least contemplative ones. But the place, all the songs with its name, the mixture of scary and wonderful, stuck with me, and it became, for a few months, all I researched and talked about. It came back during my teenage years, when I first read Victor Hugo's Notre Dame de Paris, and again after I started learning French for the first time, and when I started liking medieval architecture, and when discovered the off-Broadway Disney musical, and...

After time, it became such a pinnacle of my inner Paris, that remembering it, and going to look at its pictures, became a comfortable thing, like talking to an old friend. Sure, we didn't talk as much anymore - sticking to the metaphor - , but whenever we did, nothing had changed. When I got enough money to visit Europe for a couple weeks (after a year of making use of still being with my parents, and saving every penny from all my wages), Paris was at the front of my mind as to where to go. But money was short and the city expensive, I had a new historical obsession (medieval Ireland), and while I can read French well enough, and understand movies when in a good day, I never learned enough to communicate in it; English was so much easier. So, despite a lifelong dream, I went backpacking through Great Britain and Ireland, entering every old church I could find, visiting every castle and fort, seeing as many museums as possible. Paris would always be there.

About a month ago I started studying French again. A friend needs to learn it, and I decided to form a study group with him and a couple others. As the one with some previous knowledge, so far I function almost as the teacher, giving homework for us all to do and guiding pronunciation and grammar. The first week, I looked for musicals in French, and found subtitled versions of both Mozart L'opéra Rock and Notre Dame de Paris, and promptly told them to listen to them. Every day, I fell asleep hearing lyrics about the cathedral, its gargoyles, its majesty. We discussed themes, and sang "Les Temps des Cathedrales" together loudly and boisterously. And all along, it was there. It was a theme, a symbol, something as integral to our existences as most monuments in our own country - moreso than those, in many cases.

Knowing the world continues, but Notre Dame is not there - at least not as before? It's unimaginable. It's utterly surreal. It is to painful to be mourned, to giant to be looked at. Even now, as I try to write something, to find words, what I manage is a giant text about routine, and history, and meaning. Not about the individual feelings, but their shadows, the translucent colours the superimpose on the world. Maybe this is appropriate in some way, and keeping with the foundations that lay with all its architecture. But it is still detached, contemplative, an exercise in prose, not an actual in memoriam, or at least a proper confessional. And it deserved much more, from History just as from all individual statements. It deserved more even than the adoration (be it historical and artistic, like this, or religious, like that of so many) that is being layed at its scorched feet. Honestly, as it happens with all beloved that pass away, it simply deserved to be there, still, and appreciated like we wish it now that it is gone.

Maybe in a few weeks, or months, or years, I can finally cry, and write something coherent, something as heartfelt as it should. Now, I fear too much the idea of staring it in the face, and swing only empty eyesockets looking back. I either face the loss, or remain functional, and breaking down is not s luxury that can be had at the present time, with thesis to finish, classes to give, sick dogs to look after. I'll continue to wiggle around the hole that this new fire burned into my soul, and walk on, until the second it decides to swallow me hole - for a bit, at least.

I thought of many good phrases for an ending, but don't really feel like being poetic or clever is an honest conclusion to a memorial - which, in a way, this is part of. So, I'll simply stop writing, go to bed, and hope I wake up and realize this was nothing but a really bad dream.

[operationrainfall]

On a quiet night in the early spring of 2010, I watched Ghost in the Shell for the first time. Prior to hunting down the necessary files and watching it, I hadn’t delved too deep into the expansive world of anime. As a teenager in the late 00s, I’d watched some of the more mainstream releases on Toonami, but my interest in the medium had only been surface-level. While I didn’t start branching out right away, Ghost in the Shell served as the catalyst for me to begin exploring other titles. It set me on a path to broaden my interests and explore new content. To this day, it remains at the top of my list as not just the best anime, but also one of the greatest films of all time.

You’ve no doubt asked by now “what relevance does this story have to LaserDiscs?”. Well, a few years later (after entering college), I had the strange impulse arise to collect every North American copy of the that movie. From VHS, to Movie CD, to DVD and Blu-Ray, I tracked down each and every copy (including the multiple variations on each format). The releases that stood out to me the most though were the two on LaserDisc. Once I picked up those copies and watched them, I realized that it wasn’t just the movie that infatuated me at that point; it was the format itself. Something about those giant, metallic discs and the gorgeous artwork used on the sleeves gave me a great sense of satisfaction.

When I talk with people about LaserDisc, the first question they inevitably have for me is “what is it?”. LaserDisc was a home video format first introduced to the public by Magnavox back in the late 1970s. At the time, its direct competitor was JVC’s VHS format. The advantages of LaserDisc over VHS include higher resolution, the ability to skip to different chapters on demand (similar to DVD), and the ability to playback still-frames without tons of noise. The main disadvantages of the format are the limited storage-capacity of the discs, the need to flip them (unless you have a machine that can play both sides), and the physical size of them. To give you an example of how massive these discs are, take a look at the comparison below.

With the exception of a few 7” releases, most LaserDiscs are exactly 12” in diameter. They closely resemble a standard 12” audio record, but use an optical laser to read information. Make no mistake though- LaserDiscs store video in an analog format. This is rather unique as most other disc-based media (CDs, DVDs, and Blu-Rays) store information digitally. The drives that read information from these formats do so bit-by-bit and then interpret the that information to produce images,sounds,etc. By comparison, LaserDiscs store images in a raw, analog format, similar to how VHSs store them. The audio tracks can either be stored as analog or digital, depending on which track on the disc is used. Most releases (especially those with multiple languages) include both an analog and a digital track. In cases like this, one might find English on the digital track and Japanese on the analog track. Closed-caption subtitles were also supported on the format, though these can only be viewed if you directly use the analog video signal (using a digital converter or scaler will remove these captions).

What makes LaserDisc such a magical format for anime releases is its ability to store and play back still-frames of animation. Unlike VHS where pausing a tape causes noisy static that obscures the on-screen image, pausing a LaserDisc results in a perfect, still-frame. Even more impressive, using the still/step feature (sometimes controlled w/ a jog-wheel) allows you to freely skip back and forth, frame-by-frame at whatever speed you desire. It should be noted that only CAV (constant angular velocity) releases can do this. The standard CLV (constant linear velocity) releases do not store individual frames and thus can not display each frame one-by-one. You can differentiate the two by looking at the back of most sleeves or by observing the counter on the front of your player.

That last detail is important because some releases on the format did not support this frame-by-frame (CAV) feature. However, many releases (including many of the bigger anime titles) had at least the last side or disc stored in CAV format. For example, Kimagure Orange Road: I Want to Return to That Day was released on a single, two-sided disc. Side A was in CLV mode and contained the first 45 minutes or so. The remainder of the movie was on side B and was stored in CAV format. A lot of releases did this because it allowed the most important, climactic scenes to be examined frame-by-frame while conserving space on side A for the less important ones. Other releases (like Green Legend: Ran) are stored entirely in CAV format. Storing an entire title this way generally means using multiple discs, but the result is a movie that can be inspected frame-by-frame. This is a real treat for animated titles, especially during intense action scenes. You’ll generally find that these all-CAV releases are specific to special editions, shorter movies, and select OVAs.

Let’s say that 50% of the enjoyment factor comes from the titles themselves. If that’s assumed, then the other 50% definitely comes from the awesome packaging. As I alluded to above, LaserDiscs were packaged in much the same way as vinyl records. The single disc releases (i.e. OVAs and short movies) came in single sleeves while 2-3 disc releases generally came in gatefold sleeves. Some special or full series releases came packaged in giant box sets, often filled with other goodies. For example, the Kimagure Orange Road series box set came with an enamel pin and a thick booklet of liner notes. The artwork on many of these sleeves (especially the gatefold ones) is something to behold. Even without popping the discs into a player and watching them, simply pulling them off the shelf and observing the packaging is really enjoyable.

To wrap things up, I’ll give a brief rundown of the various anime distribution companies that embraced the format. Of all the North American publishers, two of the biggest were AnimEigo and Central Park Media (under the name US Manga Corps.). Central Park Media released such titles as Dominion Tank Police and the Project A-ko OVAs. Other publishers included A.D.Vision (Neon Genesis Evangelion, Blue Seed, Gunsmith Cats), Image Entertainment (Area 88, Gall Force, Fist of the North Star), and Manga Entertainment (Ghost in the Shell, Macross Plus). There were also some Pioneer releases of noticeably higher quality. Some of these included Akira and the Tenchi Muyo! Series. The majority of the disks in my collection were produced by AnimEigo. Of all their releases, my favorites include the Bubblegum Crisis OVAs and the Urusei Yatsura movies. What makes the releases from this company so exceptional is all the extras and special details associated with them. Each release included a sheet of special liner notes. Some describe the colloquial meaning behind certain translations and some describe the process of putting the release together. One of my favorites sets of liner notes comes from the limited edition Urusei Yatsura: Volumes 1-10 release. This unique, 10 disc release came with a full booklet of liner notes (seen in the image below).

It’s the little things like the liner notes, the special packaging, and the personal touches that make these LaserDisc releases so fun to watch and collect. Modern Blu-ray and DVD releases often come with just a disc and a thin little Amaray case (if you’re lucky). Sometimes these cases are so thin that they arrive to the store with dents in them. We’ve gotten to the point now where consumers really are just paying for the content itself. Physical media is beginning to feel sterile and is often used for the sole purpose of delivering the content, not for being enjoyed in its own right. There are notable exceptions like SteelBook and collector’s editions, but even these seem to be a dying breed. With anime LD releases though, you can tell right away that the translations, packaging, and extras are all fan-made with attention to detail. Simply reading the back of the sleeves shows that the people involved with producing them had fun doing so. The LD format may have ended back in 2001, but these extraordinary anime releases continue to stand the test of time. Collecting these can become a bit expensive, but the prices are well worth it in my opinion. For those wishing to amass their own collections, I’d recommend the LaserDisc Database as a starting point. They have an extensive catalog of every release on the format and a dedicated forum. If you enjoy older anime, appreciate fan-made merchandise, and like to collect neat looking media, give these anime releases a look. You’d be surprised how many are out there.

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The Wild World of Anime on LaserDisc On a quiet night in the early spring of 2010, I watched Ghost in the Shell for the first time.

[aycockpatrick3-blog]

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[tagaught]

So, way back in December, my friend from CAPP, Patricia, told me that Autism Nova Scotia was having a conference March 2nd and 3rd, and she had managed to get Steve Silberman (the author of Neurotribes) as the keynote speaker (he was great, BTW). She also said that they were doing a panel of women autistics, and asked if I would like my name mentioned as a possible panelist. I said “Yes!”. ;) (Who wouldn’t? Especially given I’m getting more into advocacy.)

Over the next two months various details got ironed out, and I was confirmed as a panelist, and very eager to go.

And I had a really great time.

The first thing I’d like to do is thank the team at Autism Nova Scotia for all the work they did to get this conference together. Particularly Vicki Harvey, who as the Community Outreach Coordinator for Autism Nova Scotia was the one in charge of arranging the conference and getting the panelists. Not only was she wonderful to talk to, she was also remarkably helpful and willing to give us rides to and from the hotel (because St. John’s isn’t the only place in Canada with very steep hills downtown). So, thanks, Vicki! Your help was greatly appreciated!

It was wonderful to see Cynthia Carroll (the executive director of Autism Nova Scotia, who was also the chair of the CAPP Advisory Group) again, and part of my excitement about the trip was that I got to room with Patricia! We had a great time rooming together. (Would have been better if there hadn’t been so many issues with the room in the hotel, but still. It was great to be able to spend that time together, and we both found it easy to stay with each other.)

I flew in on Wednesday the 1st, in the afternoon. Caught a cab (and ouch, I’ve gotten too used to St. John’s, where the airport is maybe a twelve minute drive from my place) to the hotel, and met Patricia in the lobby (she’d gotten there just before I did). We headed up to the room (after hugs, because there have to be hugs!), and chatted as we went. Went out for dinner together, and had a great time with that. Crashed kind of late, and the sleep wasn’t the greatest (ref issues with the hotel room, and for me, the sheer excitement of what was coming).

The next morning, we headed down to the lobby and met Steve Silberman there, waiting for Vicki to pick him up to take him to the conference centre. As may be guessed by my comment above about how helpful Vicki was, she had no problem taking Patricia and I along as well. (We could have walked, but it would have taken a little while, and we were both still tired from the restless night.) While in the car, I mentioned the issue of the subtitle and what Patricia had told me the previous night about 300 pages being cut from the manuscript of Neurotribes, and he suggested that I ask that very question in the Q&A after his talk.

Got there, and got our packets, and I wandered into the conference room while Patricia was getting ready for her speech introducing Steve Silberman.

(Pictures of the two of us with Steve Silberman taken just before I headed off to the conference room.)

Patricia George and Steve Silberman

Me and Steve Silberman!

He gave a really great talk. Some of the info I already knew, given that I did read Neurotribes, and some was new. (And kind of not good.) And as he’d suggested in the car, when the Q&A started, I asked that question.

Turns out that Neurotribes was originally proposed as a 200-page book, that he thought would take about a year to research and write. Not so much. Five years later, he had an 800-page manuscript that he took to the publisher. They cut about 300 pages (as mentioned above), and what Steve said was that he thought it actually ended up better that way. For one main reason: He doesn’t feel that it’s his place to say what should be the future of neurodiversity; he feels that it’s the place of those who are neurodiverse to do that. It was an interesting answer, and put a different spin on my perception of the subtitle of the book. (And no, he’s not changing the subtitle.)

Next up was Mike Doucette, a police officer from Belleville, Ontario, who does autism training for police and other first responders, with a talk about Autism Risk and Safety Management Training. He has an autistic daughter, so this is personal for him. He explained the usual circumstances that involve police interacting with autistics (aggresive/domestic violence situations, suspicious person calls, and wandering), and came prepared with videos to illustrate the potential situations to us.

It was particularly interesting in that both Patricia and I (and it wouldn’t surprise me if some of the other autistic attendees as well) noticed a few things in the videos that the other people in the videos and at least some of the audience seemed to be oblivious to.

The video to illustrate some of the situations involved with domestic violence and aggression – every time the mother spoke, her (teenage or adult) child would hit his head and go, “Ow!” Patricia observed that it may have been something about the mother triggering a sensory issue, maybe even the sound of her voice. I didn’t link things up that directly, but to me it was still obvious that there was something the mother was missing that was causing him sensory issues.

The video where two cops responded to a suspicious person call involved an autistic who was mostly non-verbal – he could say some words, but they weren’t entirely clear (although I recognized what he said his name was, and I was surprised that the officer didn’t understand what he was saying). The one thing I noticed in this video – and I went over to the stage and brought it up to Officer Doucette afterwards (see below for his response) was that the officers (particularly the first officer who approached him) were firing questions at him without much of a pause. It was quite clear to me that the young man was having difficulty processing what they were saying, at least in part because they weren’t giving him the chance to understand before firing off another question. Try playing something at 2x or 4x speed – a recording of someone asking questions – and see if you can process what they say in time to answer the question before the next one is fired at you!

The answer Officer Doucette gave me was that while the issues with processing speed are mentioned in the training that he knows of, what often happens is that police (and other first responders) undergo so many courses of training about so many things, some apparently minor details can slip through the cracks, which is why they tend to have refresher courses. Which is understandable, but extremely unfortunate. The situation in that video would have gone much better if the two officers involved had slowed down their questions enough that the young man could have had the chance to actually answer them. (The situation ended peacefully, but it was still obviously quite upsetting for the young man.) Possible recommendation: give the processing issues more priority/emphasis during training. Maybe make a note to mention this as a likely issue to people setting up the training, so that can be touched on more.

The third video was of a child wandering. The situation after the wandering started was dealt with well, but… the start of the video, where the child was with an educational aide of some sort, made me… not terribly happy. The aide was talking to the child in question in what I took to be a rather patronizing fashion. Now, I have no idea of the circumstances surrounding said child, except that he is autistic, has no real recognition of danger, and is prone to wandering… but still.

The emphasis of first responders when it comes to situations is: Paramount: Officer and Citizen Safety; and secondarily: Making the Best Use of Time and Resources. (I’m grabbing these from the titles of the slides used, FYI, which is why the capitalization.) Officer Doucette strongly recommends a voluntary registry, shared with the first responders, so that they can have access to the necessary information. (He was impressed with my RNC Voluntary Autism Registry Card.)

One of the other things Officer Doucette shared with us, which was more positive and a great way to end the talk, was a setup for community days and class visits. The video in question showed firefighters and police officers bringing their vehicles to show the children, and letting them wander around, giving them the time necessary to be comfortable without pushing them, making the meeting a non-offensive situation. They also did things like show what firefighters look like dressed up in their safety gear. All this done in a quiet, relaxed atmosphere helps the children recognize the various kinds of first responders, and what they would look like – which will hopefully lead to much easier transactions between those autistics and the local first responders.

One thing that was recognized in the talk, that I appreciated very much, was that quite often any aggression would be because of sensory issues or meltdowns, and so beyond the autistic’s control in a lot of ways.

After that was lunch, which was served in the exhibitors’ hall. I ate lunch with the table I’d been sitting at for the presentations so far, and we got into a conversation about sensory issues and the reasons for stimming (most of which were extracted from things that I’ve already put up here on my blog).

After lunch was a presentation on Positive Behaviour Support (while Patricia and Steve Silberman were interviewed by CBC Radio for the Mainstreet Halifax program).

Positive Behaviour Support is a program designed to build skills and reduce “challenging” behaviours in autistic children. It’s based on a system of first of all, determining what the needs and priorities of the child, family, and team are; secondly, determining the function of challenging behaviours (AKA why they are happening and what the consequences/results of the behaviour are, rather than focusing on the behaviour itself); then coming up with a plan to handle both the long term goals (the desired behaviours) and the short term goals (replacement and alternate behaviours) which are the steps to go through in order to reach the long term goals. Then, the plan is put into play; everyone works together to carry out the plan; and last (but not least), assess whether the plan is actually working.

Some things the speakers (Caitlin Neilly, MASP, and Angela MacDonald, SLP) emphasized were: 1) This is not a quick fix. There are no quick fixes; 2) Autistic children are children first. In some ways, they are like any other child; 3) Humility is key to creating a workable plan; 4) Cooperation and support among the people involved is also key in creating a workable plan; and 5) Consider the “human factor”; concentrate on creating a workable, effective solution rather than “fixing the child”.

The PBS setup sounds quite interesting, and (as the name says) a much more positive means of discouraging certain behaviours and encouraging others than some therapies I’ve heard/read about. Of course, in a lot of ways, that can depend on what is chosen as “challenging behaviour”, but the definition of “challenging behaviour” that goes along with the plan seems to me to be a sound one: “Confusing and distressing to the people who care about them and themselves”.

They were also fairly clear on what may be behind said “challenging behaviours” for an autistic child, including high levels of anxiety, learning differences, difficulty understanding expectations, and difficulty communicating, to name some mentioned. (I also raised sensory issues at that point, to which they agreed – it just wasn’t listed on that particular slide.)

They also provided some examples of behaviours, including the functions thereof – 2 of which could actually be applied to any child, and 1 of which applied to adults (to illustrate that anyone can end up in and have situations like this). (If there’s interest, I’ll put the scenarios up.)

The last talk on Thursday was given by a woman named Jo-Lynn Fenton, who has two boys on the spectrum, one now 23 who was officially diagnosed with Asperger’s, and the other almost 20, who is non-verbal as well as having epilepsy. She told some stories about situations they’d ended up in, and it was a fascinating as well as quite positive experience. Her motto seems to be “perseverance and patience” – and “keep a sense of humour about things”, though that was more inferred from the stories than explicitly stated – and from what she’s said, it’s worked for her so far! I would honestly recommend her as a speaker anytime.

So, that was the conference the first day. After that was over, and I’d talked to a number of people while leaving, I headed out to meet my sister to go to her place for dinner. (Which was great. I wasn’t sure that we’d be able to get together while I was there, and I was delighted to have the chance.) Got to see my niece and nephews, and it was wonderful (even if the boys were a little overenthusiastic about some things I wasn’t up for *wry grin*).

Really did have a great time with them. And then I got a surprise – my sister’s best friend, her husband, and their younger son (I’ll Be Back Again) showed up! They were in fact the ones who drove me back to the hotel.

More wonderful hugs! :) (I swear, autistics give the best hugs.)

Got back, managed to finally fix one of the issues with the hotel room(!), and actually slept fairly well that night.

So, Friday morning, I woke up and discovered that my sister had texted me that she’d be able to take me to the airport that night. (And believe me, it was a great relief; I didn’t want to have to take a cab – expensive! – and while I had the bus route, I don’t feel comfortable going on a bus system the first time alone.) Then Patricia and I kind of looked at our bags, looked at each other, and we decided to see if we could get late check-out.

Well. Late check-out would have dinged us $45 plus tax, and we would still have had to check out for 4:30. Given the conference was slated to end at 4, and there would be some tidying up and a bit more networking to do, that… wasn’t going to happen. So, once again, Vicki was nice enough to give us a ride to the conference centre. (After I called down to cancel the request for late check-out; we checked out before we left at 8:40, but given the troubles we’d been having, we didn’t want to take any chances.)

Our talk was the first thing on the schedule. There were four us; Patricia, myself, a young woman named Danielle, and another young woman named Jennifer. I was up last, so got to listen to the others talk first.

It was quite moving, and I’m really glad I was there to hear what they had to say.

And an interesting thing happened when Jennifer was giving her talk. She was having some trouble, so Cynthia offered to help her, and while that was happening, the tech at the back cut the glare of the lights focused at the stage. All of us relaxed at that, and Patricia at least found it much easier to speak. (Wish we’d thought of that beforehand!)

When it was my turn, I talked about some of my challenges and my passions, mentioned some things like the way I used to tell time to the second, and how my cats and my books and my writing had very much been my saving graces. (Pictures of the slides I used to illustrate some of my points below.)

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Art Therapy: Childhood Memories

Brightspot and Mitzy & Aspen: How I Survived Adolescence and Young Adulthood

My Saving Grace #1 Now: Imber

My Saving Grace #2 Now: My 2008 NaNoWriMo Winner’s Certificate, and my Author Info page on nanowrimo.org, showing how long I’ve been participating.

My Saving Grace #3 Now: The meeting of the CAPP Advisory Group held in Montreal in October 2016.

Also mentioned something my sister told me the night before about her reaction to my reaction to the first time I was in a room where autistics were the majority (felt like I’d come home). Added to that about my sister’s friend’s son and how we clicked with each other.

Speaking on the panel at the conference: picture taken by Ally Garber

I included my issues with keeping my environment clean and how I’d written fanfiction, both of which proved to be almost immediately impactful! (See below.)

When we’d finished, it was opened up for a Q&A. One of the first people to ask a question was a woman who had only recently been diagnosed, and she asked us how we’d responded to our own diagnoses. Both Danielle and I answered, and she teared up a bit. Danielle then asked if she wanted/needed a hug, and when she nodded, both Danielle and I got off the stage and went over to hug her. (I told you there were lots of hugs!) While we did that, Patricia pointed out that this, right here, gave lie to the belief that autistics have no empathy.

After the Q&A was over, when we were heading off the stage for break, another woman approached me, and told me that she had a child who’d been diagnosed, and she was starting to think that she was on the spectrum as well – and my mention of the issues I have with cleaning had resonated strongly with her, because she had the same sort of issue. We talked a bit about that, and I gave her the info about my clutter coach, and that April (said clutter coach – I know, I have to do a post on that too) might have contacts or at least know someone in Nova Scotia who can provide the same sort of services.

For the rest of the day, I was approached by a number of people at break and lunch who said that they had been moved by what I had said (and the rest of the panelists, of course). It felt really good. And one mother said that her daughter was really into fanfiction and manga and anime (ref my mention above about fanfic!) so I gave her my username on fanfiction.net and Archive of Our Own to give to her daughter.

The second talk of Friday was from Dr. Isabel Smith (the current holder of the Joan and Jack Craig Chair in Autism Research) about research being conducted locally (i.e. in Nova Scotia) about Autism Spectrum conditions. (The word disorders tended to be used by the professionals speaking, but as I’ve said before – Revamped Links: Neurodiversity Paradigm – I now prefer not to use that term.) It was interesting, but a bit disturbing to some of the autistics in the audience; especially a comment made around the Play Buddies program that the child in question was “playing like a normal boy” in the two-month followup. (And also the interaction after the explanation to the neurotypical boy about how to try to engage the autistic in play; the presenter mentioned how normal it appeared when the autistic kid was running around saying, “Tickle me!” Patricia remarked that it was not what people seemed to think it was; she identified it as sensory seeking, not “play”.) But there do appear to be good research programs out there, and some of the talk was absolutely fascinating. (Unfortunately, we didn’t get a copy of her slides the way we did with the Thursday presenters, so I can’t remember all the programs she talked about.)

Then we broke for lunch. FYI: The food court in Scotia Square in Halifax may have excellent food – but around lunchtime, it is a sensory nightmare for autistics. Too many people, and way too much noise. Patricia and I had gone with Martha, one of the Autism Nova Scotia staff members, as well as a mother and daughter who were attending the conference, and when she saw our reactions, she asked whether we should just buy something and eat back in the conference centre. I immediately responded that we should buy and go. As it happened, the woman who’d spoken with me after our panel had also come to eat at the Food Court, and she heard me say that, and joined us in braving the crowd and then going back. (She mentioned she was dreading going into the crowd, and then when she heard me say that, realized that she could do that as well.)

Throughout lunch (as I mentioned above), people came up to us and mentioned how much they’d enjoyed our panel, and how it had helped give them more insight. It was quite gratifying, and as touching as they seemed to have found our talk, I think it was equally touching how they let us know that.

I also got to chatting with Robyn, another staff member at Autism Nova Scotia who was sitting at our table, about science fiction; she’s a huge fan, and gave me some places to check out for when I hope to publish. (Thanks again, Robyn!)

The first talk after lunch was Cynthia Carroll’s review of the employment programs in place with Autism Nova Scotia.

The first one she told us about – and the primary one concentrated on during the talk – was TRAACE (Transition Readiness & Autism Community Employment). This was established by Autism Nova Scotia when they started getting people in their late twenties and thirties coming in, trying to seek employment when they had no idea how to go about doing it. There are programs for them, but ANS wanted to work on getting the information and skills regarding employment taught to people before they needed to enter the workforce, and so TRAACE was born.

It’s a program for youth aged 15 to 21, done in concert with high schools, to “prepare students for the transition from school to the workplace”. There are classroom modules (a total of 10 of them) followed by eight weeks of volunteer work placement with an employer partner and a Job Coach.

Some of the modules involve the things you see in any pre-employment program: job searching and resources, resume and cover letter writing, interview skills, workplace health and safety, all that. But TRAACE also includes modules on managing anxiety and how to request accomodations, sensory sensitivities and how to request accomodations, how to handle socialization in the workplace…. As soon as Cynthia was finished going through the list of modules, I raised my hand and announced that I was so jealous. I really could have used a lot of those! (Of course, even if there’d been that kind of program available, I might not have had access to it, given that I was a late diagnosis. But then, if this kind of program had been available when I was that age, people probably would have been better informed about autism at the time, and I might have had my diagnosis then!)

What’s interesting is that for the socialization in the workplace module, Autism Nova Scotia developed a game to help prepare their clients for dealing with that. If any of you have heard of Apples to Apples and/or Cards Against Humanity, it’s very much in that vein. Questions that clients have asked about social interactions – with colleagues, with customers, etc. – are printed on cards, and people take turns drawing them and reading them out. Everyone else writes out what they think is the best answer on a whiteboard (the game is used often enough – and popular enough – that they prefer to use whiteboards to index cards or paper), and they’re all placed face-down in front of the player who read the card. That player then turns them over and reads them out loud, and chooses what they think is the best/most appropriate answer, and the person whose answer it was gains a point. (This is definitely going to be something I’m going to recommend to the ASNL for their employment programs – and likely for Social Thinking as well, because it doesn’t have to just be for employment!)

At any rate, TRAACE has been successful enough since its inception that some of the schools are now also using it for their other students!

There were also other programs talked about. As they are federal programs, both Ready, Willing, and Able and Worktopia were mentioned. Interestingly enough, because Worktopia came into being after TRAACE, in Nova Scotia it’s broken down into three sections. There is CommunityWORKS Canada, which is an after school program for teens and young adults (15-21) in high school. There is EmploymentWORKS Canada, which is for young adults who are out of high school, up to age 29 (Worktopia is for ages 15 to 29). And there is SchoolWORKS Canada, which in Nova Scotia essentially helps fund TRAACE.

And there is Autism Works LaunchPad, which is an employment program aimed at adults. Much like with TRAACE, there are a set of modules that cover various elements of job seeking and maintaining, including professionalism, social skills, customer service, and financial literacy. What really fascinated me about this program is that Autism Nova Scotia has established a social enterprise in connection with LaunchPad, called The Promise of a Pearl. It’s a jewellery “store”, with the jewellery made by autistics and their friends and family. Participants in LaunchPad work with The Promise of a Pearl to learn things like working with a team to create products, fulfill orders, and interact with customers around craft shows.

Given I make jewellery (beading), I was fascinated. And it didn’t hurt that the thank you gifts for the speakers/panelists were products from The Promise of a Pearl – I got an absolutely lovely set of earrings with a tree set into a hoop. (See pictures below.)

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Tree earrings from The Promise of a Pearl

Me, wearing the earrings from The Promise of a Pearl

This is something I fastened on to as a potential program for Newfoundland and Labrador as well, given the artisanship in this province, and I’m going to be asking the people in charge at Autism Nova Scotia all kinds of questions about how they set it up and how it works. I would love to get a pilot program like that here, so am determined to get moving on it!

The last talk of the day (and the conference) was about romantic relationships. The moderator was Dr. Shannon Johnson, and Danielle and another autistic named Danny joined her as panelists (although myself, Patricia, and another autistic whom I believe is staff at ANS kind of joined in with comments from the audience throughout). Danny is in a relationship with another autistic, and he talked a bit about what that was like. Danielle has had mostly allistic boyfriends, and talked mainly about the issues surrounding online meeting apps (mostly centred around Tinder, which is apparently the go-to dating app on Dalhousie campus), especially the safety issues, and how she determines whether a boyfriend is likely to last. (Hint: She mentions she’s autistic. If they change the subject or refuse to talk about it – she’s not going to see them again.) The three of us chimed in with a bit of our own experiences – my first date was when I was nineteen, and I figured out in the last few years that I’m somewhere on the asexual spectrum; Patricia’s been married for almost two and a half decades; and the other woman (I can’t remember her name – sorry about that!) has had a few boyfriends over the years.

One thing Danielle mentioned – and I was nodding my head furiously at this – was: Communication is key. If you can’t communicate, there’s no basis for a relationship. And communication is one of those things that can be very difficult for autistics and allistics. (Hells, it can be difficult between two neurotypicals, for that matter!) I’ve seen how important communication can be – I hold my parents’ relationship up as something of an ideal. Yeah, they argue sometimes – everyone does. But after a separation when I was a kid, they got back together… and one of the things they did to make sure they stayed together was every week, without fail, they had dinner out one night. Just the two of them. (Okay, if the weather was a disaster or one was sick, it was postponed… but they did that for decades. They still do. I think until they moved to Costa Rica, they missed maybe… three to five dinners while they were at home in Toronto?)

It was an excellent panel, I think, and a good end to the conference.

After the official end, Patricia and I both hung around for a while; there was some networking going on – I have a bunch of new contacts – and then getting things packed away. Because Vicki agreed to give me a lift back to the hotel, where my sister was going to pick me up to take me to the airport, I helped her load her car with some of the stuff that had to go back to the centre. (She thanked me for my patience while it was all getting done. I explained about having been staff and ConCom for Toronto Trek/Polaris for several years, so I knew about dealing with breaking things down after a convention/conference.)

Sat and relaxed in the hotel lobby while waiting for my sister. Didn’t end up getting any writing done, but I worked on recording my impressions of the day to help ensure I remembered the information for this post. (And ended up disconnecting the app I use from My Other Blog when it posted that private stuff twice without my realizing it. Thankfully it was only my mother who read it, and not anyone else!)

Had an enjoyable ride to the airport with my sister and niece (which was nice, because I hadn’t really got much of a chance to say goodbye to her the night before, since she was at Guides). Got all things done at the airport and set.

Note: If you need legroom, do not fly WestJet. They have worse legroom than Air Canada, which is really saying something. I’m 6’/184cm, and all my height is in my legs.

Dad was there to pick me up at the airport, and as he drove me home, I talked a bit about the conference, filling him in on some of the highlights (some of which appear above). What was interesting, though, was that I noticed twice while I was talking to him – once while driving, and once as I was getting out of the car at my apartment – my gestures, intonation, and word choice were pure Patricia.

And this is part of the reason it’s harder to diagnosis a girl on the spectrum who is verbal; we are excellent mimics, and quite often it’s completely unconscious on our part. I certainly didn’t intend to imitate Patricia – it just happened. It’s very much like how when my family visited St. John’s in the summers (since my mom’s family was here), I’d speak with a light Newfie accent for about two weeks back in Toronto before it disappeared again.

Took me a while to come down from the stress of the flight and the residual excitement of the conference, so my sleep schedule’s still somewhat wonky (one reason why this post was not up yesterday; even if I’d managed to finish it, I didn’t trust that it would be without issues).

But despite the issues with the hotel and the plane, I really did have a great time at the conference (as you can probably tell from my enthusiasm above). So once again, I want to thank Autism Nova Scotia for putting on such a wonderful conference and for inviting me there – and reiterate that I’ll be very glad to come speak at any other conferences you want to put on! ;)

:) tagÂûght

ANS: Exploring the Spectrum Conference 2017 - Wow! #EtSC2017 #AutismNovaScotia So, way back in December, my friend from CAPP, Patricia, told me that Autism Nova Scotia…