#pauline calf

[ballroomfitz]

Oh Steve Coogan in cunty widow drag tenderly cradling a giant wooden penis we’re really in it now

[driftwooddestiel]

[eliorosb3rg]

my biggest hear me out will always be steve coogan dressed as a woman

[tigers-eyes-26]

Mario Fic Master Post pt 1

My own Mario AU based on games:

More of my stories:

[24-hourpartypeople]

Doing this massive Alan Partridge rewatch (still stuck at KMKY because of exams) because I became a fan in this weird way when I watched it all through clips and then episodes in random order and I want to experience it the way it was intended

But then I also want to rewatch Coogan's Run and Paul/Pauline Calf stuff and the Tony Ferrino phenomenon and Saxondale and the various Trips (I was actually rewatching but stopped at Italy so I guess I'll start again)

And at this point why not rewatch the Steve films I like. I saw many of them when I wasn't really aware of him. Luckily he's been in a lot of shit but Philomena, Stan & Ollie, Shepherds & Butchers, Cock & Bull Story and 24-Hour Party People are all worth revisiting (What Masie Knew is good too but can't be bothered), as well as Steve's scene in Coffee & Cigarettes and Marie Antoniette.

So yeah just wanted to announce that I've gone mad and there's no coming back.

[caffeineinducedbeing]

as the world caves in

chapter one

-----------

Muscle spasm! Damn! Ow, ow, ow. 

Alyss rubbed her aching calf, berating the fact that this always seemed to happen when she was running late for something important. After the cramping died down, she continued to race to the meeting room that she was supposed to have arrived at over half an hour ago. She heard papers flying out behind her, but glancing at a passing water clock, she knows she hasn’t the time to pick them up. 

She stops at the door and hesitates for only a brief moment before knocking and letting herself in. Immediately she sees Pauline, and four other courier colleagues, ones who she’s worked with for years. They were all seated at a round table with the Baron, and they looked up as she entered, some giving understanding smiles, some simply nodding a greeting. 

“I apologize for my tardiness my Lord, I hope I haven’t missed anything important?” 

She says as she sets her bags down and takes a seat next to Pauline. 

Arald brushes off her apology with a wave of his hand, “Ah, no, of course not. We’re just getting to the juicy bits of the meeting, I’d say.” And had this not been a room of well-trained diplomats, Alyss was positive there would’ve been some rolling of the eyes at his choice of wording. She found it quite difficult to contain one herself. But she smiled at him and nodded a thank you. And soon the meeting picked up its pace on its own. 

They were about halfway through a discussion about the resolution of a conference in Elrod fief when an urgent knocking sounded at the door. 

“Come in,” Arald called, as the room lapsed into silence. 

The door opened to reveal a castle guard. A young one, no older than 25, his inexperience was all too evident in the stress showing so clearly on his face. He was trying to conceal his panting breaths, but it was obvious he had run here.

He cleared his throat, “Uhm, I- I’m looking for an Alyss Mainwaring Treaty, sir– My lord.” he hastily corrected. 

“That’s Lady Alyss Mainwaring Treaty, young lad.” The baron interjected before Alyss interrupted him. 

“I am Lady Alyss,” She said quietly, and a bit hesitantly, which was unlike her. But something about this situation made her uneasy. The worry on the guard's face, the way he fidgeted with his hands as if the news he was to deliver was to destroy their very lives, and worst of all, it was the deep gut feeling that Alyss had been carrying around with her since that morning. It was the kind of gut feeling that could make people stay home from work, the kind that made people think twice before walking into danger, the kind that sometimes saved lives, and sometimes destroyed them. 

The guard hesitated again for another small moment, then determination overtook his features and he said as clearly and confidently as he could, “My Lady I was told to fetch you. It’s an emergency concerning Ranger Will Treaty. Your husband.”

Alyss was already out of her chair. Pauline and Arald followed closely behind her. Alyss heard the Baron speak to the other participants in the meeting, likely saying something about postponing the rest of it until a later date. But Alyss wouldn’t know that, she couldn’t hear a word anyone was saying anymore. 

Alyss gathered her things quickly, and rushed toward the door, asking the guard in a shaky voice. “Where is he?” 

“In the infirmary ma’am. The emergency wing of the infirmary.”

[papa-j]

Hello friends,

We got our chores done around the house, planted the garlic and winterized our yard, so here we go again on our next adventure,

this time to Ontario and back all in Canada. This is really a family and friends trip with some adventures for good measure.

Week 1

We left on Saturday at noon to Calgary where we met up with our friends Debbie and Burk. We had a delicious dinner and a lovely visit until after bedtime. 

On Sunday we met our friend Jessica and her daughters Priya and Zoey. ��The took us out to the Bow Valley Equestrian Center to watch Priya being coached for jumping events.  She looked confident and had great posture in the saddle.  Zoey was helping out with other horses, she helps out on a regular basis at the centre and also rides when she has a chance. Great to see kids with some passion. 

On Monday Linda had a medical appointment at noon, so we had time for breakfast, fill up with gas and some shopping.

The first adventure begins.  We drove north on Hwy 2 to Airdre and then east to Drumheller, a nice drive through farmland, a lot of it harvested already.  

The countryside here is flat, Big Sky country, as they say and the farms are big spreads.  Here and there we saw oil pumps, usually a few within 500m from each other.

Just before Drumheller, Hwy 9 descends down into the Badlands. The town is on the Red Deer River, with some box stores,  it's a typical tourist town.  Nice and clean and friendly staff at the tourist info centre.

We decided to check out the Hoodoos south towards East Coulee. We wanted to check into the 11 Bridges campground in Rosedale, but it was closed with a sign "Private Property". SO we drove over the 11 bridges towards Wayne and went as far as the Coal Mine.

We stayed overnight at the Hoodoos RV Park. After setting up camp we went for a walk along the Red Deer River, where we spotted a moose cow and 2 calfs relaxing on a river island. 

We drove back to Drumheller in the morning for some local fresh brewed coffee and pastries. As it was still too early to go the the Museum, we drove north to a lookout over the Hoodoos.  

From there we drove north to Munson and then west to the Bleriot Ferry to cross the Red Deer river.  This ferry is a one man show, big enough for 3 cars or one truck and the captain is pretty relaxed and casual.The crossing took 15 minutes even though the distance was only 300 meters...

We had to climb back up to the prairie plateau to a lookout on the south rim of the Hoodoos.  Yes it's the same gorge but it shows a different look to this natural wonder.

Then we made it to Royal Tyrell Museum at 10:30 and first parking lot was already half full.  The displays and artifacts are incredible, all very interesting.  I would recommend this attraction to all.

After lunch we drove north to Dry Island Buffalo Jump Provincial Park, another beautiful view of the Badlands. The day use area was at the bottom of the valley. We drove down and back up on an 18% grade gravel road, but it was with worth it!

Then we drove north on Hwy 21 to Edmonton. This city has grown a lot since my last visit here. We got onto the ring road, the Anthony Henday Freeway in the south east. Our friends Jim, Pauline and Tucker live in the north west of the city so we got to drive around the city and it gave us a perspective on how big the place is now.

We stayed with our friends and got a grand tour of Edmonton the next day. The area along the North Saskatchewan River has nice parks, walking trails and attractions for day use.

The local buddhist centre had a lovely veggie garden

[a-decent-steve-coogan-blog]

I’d sooo read this :D

[zippocreed501]

Comedy hero Steve Coogan

Duncan Thickett

Paul Calf

Pauline Calf

Tommy Saxondale

Alan Partridge

[driftwooddestiel]

watching pauline calf marriott hotel song like its my cocomelon

[prisonmoose]

Steve's character is named Pauline Calf 😉

This might sound unrelated but hear me out: I stumbled upon a performance where Steve Coogan played a female character in a drag (wonderfully done too really worth checking out) and it makes me wonder if Owen has ever done anything similar?

I mean look at his huge doe eye and plump lips. Dude would look good in a dress for sure.

Yo someone let me know what the Steve Coogan drag piece is called 👀 on anon or not it doesn’t matter but I wanna give it a watch

Anyways anon I totally agree. We saw Hansel we know he can pull off unconventional stuff well. I’d be down to see him take something on. Not sure if he’s done anything (not to my knowledge) but it would be interesting

[virtuesmh]

Steve Coogan in drag. Just, damn.

[richi4toziers]

this new planner I bought for uni has very much sensed my need to express my love for steve coogan and his fem!alter ego in the form of shitty time-wasting doodles; thank u kindly uni planner

[slinkyminkys]

'twas once on t'gogglebox an' I did enjoy that, n'all.

[24-hourpartypeople]

So here it is. Little premise but it's quite impressive how played together as a whole it really hits as a criticism of today's capitalism, even 30 years later. Anyway, the rankings:

1. Ernest Moss

Absolutely love the character, maybe my favourite non-Partridge one (apart from Steve playing himself) because I love the idea of subverting stand up by doing that a crowd wouldn't deem entertaining in real life. The episode is a little gem, not as dense with gags as some of the others, but consistent with the way Ernest conducts himself. I love how the sense of grandiosity he carries is depolyed in such a parochial context, and the obsession with minutiae and technicalities is one of my favourite traits of Steve's comedy. Also love the 50s/60s vibe and Felicity Montagu in her pre-Lynn era.

2. Gareth Cheeseman

This would probably be number 1, and it would've been a much more popular character, if it didn't have such a Partridge vibe. It's extremely funny throughout, nearly every joke lands and there's a lot of them, and Gareth's such a cunt you just enjoy his downfall. It works pretty well as a satire of certain environments as well, you could almost pass it down as a parody of today's marketing influencers. Remarkable how Steve manages to make his most unlikeable character so entertaining.

3. Natural Born Quizzers

It's rare for Steve to go downright dark, usually it's more awkward/uncomfortable than unhinged/bleak, so this is a welcome addition to the canon. I particularly love Steve and Patrick's chemistry here and the whole schtick about their particular choices with language sound VERY amusing to me. It combines black humour, surrealism and the inevitable dose of cringe very well.

4. Paul Calf

I love Paul Calf as a character, it could seem demeaning/patronising at first but there's a genuine warmth to both him and his sister Pauline, but I do think the Video Diary and Pauline's Wedding Diary are both funnier than this episode. The plot here is a bit messy, although its resolution adds to the fun and some of the jokes are brilliant. Also Paul starting the "Who the fuck are Man United?" on the cult's bus is one of those random, hidden moments in Steve's catalogue that just get me. And another little note, when Paul and Pauline appear together in the same shot, you do forget they're played by the same person, which I guess is a testament to the talent of that Middleton fella.

5. Mike Crystal/Clint Stallone

Absolutely fucking mad, albeit with less energy than the others. Mike himself is not that interesting as a character (he CAN sing though) but the whole duality thing as a concept vs how ridiculously it's orchestrated and played out is what makes the episode. The scene where he pretends to argue with Clint is a cringe masterclass. Favourite random moment when he gets the spoiler about Carlos the Jackal (which according to the DVD commentary is/was one of Steve's absurdly partridgesque obsessions, just felt I had to add this).

6. Tim Fleck The Curator

Not as funny as the Pool Attendant sketch, from which it clearly takes its inspiration, but again I like how it wanders more into weird/bleak territory. Not many laugh out louds moments, and although none of these obviously has a particularly original plot, this does feel a bit too linear. But Steve plays the assertive to disturbed to deranged vibe very well and that keeps you interested till the end. Also Tim was kinda right.

Decided to rewatch Coogan's Run properly (last time I did while playing the commentary) so I can rank them, stay tuned

[csnews]

'I've never seen or heard of attacks': scientists baffled by orcas harassing boats

Susan Smillie - September 13, 2020

Reports of orcas striking sailing boats in the Straits of Gibraltar have left sailors and scientists confused. Just what is causing such unusually aggressive behaviour?  

When nine killer whales surrounded the 46ft boat that Victoria Morris was crewing in Spain on the afternoon of 29 July, she was elated. The biology graduate taught sailing in New Zealand and is used to friendly orca encounters. But the atmosphere quickly changed when they started ramming the hull, spinning the boat 180 degrees, disabling the autohelm and engine. The 23-year-old watched broken bits of the rudder float off, leaving the four-person crew without steering, drifting into the Gibraltar Straits shipping lane between Cape Trafalgar and the small town of Barbate.

The pod rammed the boat for more than an hour, during which time the crew were too busy getting the sails in, readying the life raft and radioing a mayday – “Orca attack!” – to feel fear. The moment fear kicked in, Morris says, was when she went below deck to prepare a grab bag – the stuff you take when abandoning ship. “The noise was really scary. They were ramming the keel, there was this horrible echo, I thought they could capsize the boat. And this deafening noise as they communicated, whistling to each other. It was so loud that we had to shout.” It felt, she says, “totally orchestrated”.

The crew waited a tense hour and a half for rescue – perhaps understandably, the coastguard took time to comprehend (“You are saying you are under attack from orca?”). To say this is unusual is to massively understate it. By the time help arrived, the orcas were gone. The boat was towed to Barbate, where it was lifted to reveal the rudder missing its bottom third and outer layer, and teeth marks along the underside.

Rocío Espada works with the marine biology laboratory at the University of Seville and has observed this migratory population of orca in the Gibraltar Straits for years. She was astonished. “For killer whales to take out a piece of a fibreglass rudder is crazy,” she says. “I’ve seen these orcas grow from babies, I know their life stories, I’ve never seen or heard of attacks.”

Highly intelligent, social mammals, orcas are the largest of the dolphin family, and behave in a similar way. It is normal, she says, that orcas will follow close to the propeller. Even holding the rudder is not unheard of: “Sometimes they will bite the rudder, get dragged behind as a game.” But never with enough force to break it. This ramming, Espada says, indicates stress. The Straits is full of nets and long lines; perhaps a calf got caught.

But Morris’s was only one of several encounters between late July and August. Six days earlier, Alfonso Gomez-Jordana Martin, a 31-year-old from Alicante, was crewing a delivery boat near Barbate for the same company, Reliance Yacht Management. They were proceeding under engine when a pod of four orcas brought their 40ft Beneteau to a halt. He filmed them – it looks more like excitement and curiosity than aggression – but even this bumping damaged the rudder. And the force increased, he says, over 50 minutes. “Once we were stopped, they came in faster: 10-15 knots, from a distance of about 25m,” he remembers. “The impact tipped the boat sideways.”

The skipper’s report to the port authority said the force “nearly dislocated the helmsman’s shoulder and spun the whole yacht through 120 degrees”.

At 11.30pm the previous night, 22 July, Beverly Harris, a retired nurse from Derbyshire, and her partner, Kevin Large, were motor-sailing their 50ft boat, Kailani, just off Barbate at eight knots, when they came to a sudden standstill. It was flat calm, pitch black. They thought they’d hit a net. “I scrambled for a torch and was like, ‘Bloody hell, they’re orcas,’” says Harris. The couple checked their position and found the boat pointing the opposite way. They tried to correct several times, but the orcas kept spinning them back. “I had this weird sensation,” Harris says, “like they were trying to lift the boat.” It lasted about 20 minutes, but felt longer. “We thought, ‘We’ve sailed across the Atlantic, surely we’re not going to sink now!’” Their rudder was damaged but got them to La Línea. It was a long night. “Kevin said I should get some sleep. I said, ‘Are you joking? I’m having a gin and tonic,’” recalls Harris.

While enjoying her drink, Harris could have spared a thought for Nick Giles, having a sleepless night alone after an almost identical encounter off Barbate just two and a half hours earlier. He was motor-sailing, and playing music when he heard a sudden bang “like a sledgehammer”. The wheel was “turning with incredible force” as the vessel spun 180 degrees, dislodging the autohelm and steering cables. “The boat lifted up half a foot and I was pushed by a second whale from behind,” he says. While resetting the cables, the orca hit again, “nearly chopping off my fingers in the mechanism”. He was pushed around without steering for about 15 minutes before they left him.

Catastrophic encounters between whales and boats are not unknown – the best-known events all took place in the Pacific. In 1972 the Robertson family from Staffordshire were shipwrecked off the Galapagos Islands after an orca strike (their book, Survive the Savage Sea became a classic). The following year, also on the way to those islands, Maurice and Maralyn Bailey’s 31ft boat was holed by a sperm whale. In 1989 William and Simone Butler lost their boat as a huge pod of pilot whales rammed them. In these and all other known cases, the mammals ignored the humans who took to life rafts; it was the boats that attracted their ire. More usually in encounters, the whale is left dead or injured. The International Whaling Commission records these strikes – more collisions are occurring with private boats as technological advances increase performance speeds.

The encounters described around Barbate were certainly frightening for the crew, who understandably felt targeted, but it’s unlikely they were meant as aggressive attacks. At least two other boats had harmless encounters. On 20 July Martin Chambers, a yacht master for Allabroad Sailing Academy, was unconcerned when they were joined by a pod near Barbate. One individual “had hold of the rudder and stopped us moving the boat”, he says. “That’s the first time I’ve seen them do that.” It seems the encounters increased in intensity, but it’s also worth considering that different boat constructions can suffer different outcomes – rudders on some modern boats can be quite fragile.

“These are very strange events,” says Ezequiel Andréu Cazalla, a cetacean researcher who talked to Morris. “But I don’t think they’re attacks.” Orca specialists around the world are equally surprised, agreeing the behaviour is “highly unusual”, but are cautious, given that the accounts are not from trained researchers. Most agree that something is stressing the orcas. And when it comes to sources of stress, there are plenty to choose from.

“The lack of tuna has led these orca to the very edge with only 30 adults left”

The Gibraltar orcas are endangered – there are fewer than 50 individuals left, with a continuing decline projected – adults and juveniles are sustaining injuries, suffering food scarcity and pollution. Their calves rarely survive. The Gibraltar Straits is, Cazalla points out, “the worst place for orcas to live”. This narrow stretch of water is a major shipping route. And the presence of orcas attracts more marine traffic – highly profitable whale-watching. Theoretically, it is regulated, but some operators flout rules about speed and distance to chase the animals. Constant harassment by boats affects the orcas’ ability to hunt. Which brings us to the biggest stress of all: fishing.

The orcas return to this noisy, polluted stretch of water for one reason – to feed. They specialise in hunting bluefin tuna, also highly prized by humans. The near collapse of bluefin tuna between 2005 and 2010 “has led this orca population to the very edge, with about 30 adults left”, says Pauline Gauffier, who has studied them.

The Straits is an important migratory route for the tuna. It has been economically crucial to this region for thousands of years – the Romans produced coins in Cadiz depicting the once bountiful fish. Local fisheries still use an ancient technique – almadraba, a complex system of trap nets. Each spring, the bluefin arrive to spawn in the Med; many find their way into the nets instead. In July and August, as the tuna leave for the Atlantic, the fishermen switch to drop lines – baited with fish and lowered with rocks. These artisanal techniques are far less harmful than trawling, purse seining or driftnets – and than the reckless sport-fishing boats speeding at 10 knots, trailing long lines.

“They target the orca, because they think there must be tuna under the pods,” says Jörn Selling, a marine biologist for Firmm whale watching and research foundation with 17 years’ experience in the Straits. “They go right through the pods, their hooks cutting the dorsal fins”.

In the past, the orca chased the bluefin to exhaustion, but with fewer and smaller fish available, and the pressures from human activity, some have adapted. As a result, there now exists what biologists call “depradation” – a complex balance between the orca, tuna, and humans – and what the fishermen call “stealing”.

Since 1999, two of the Straits’ five pods have learned to take tuna from the drop lines, leaving the fishermen pulling up the tuna head alone. It’s infuriating for the fishermen, but for the orca, this is high risk. Several have sustained serious injuries. “We see marks caused by fishing lines,” says Selling. “We hear about young orca getting hooked.” There are two females with severed flippers – “Lucia”, Selling says “lost her baby together with her flipper, due to the interaction with tuna fishermen”. Gauffier points out that “there is little the fishermen can do to avoid line or hook injuries” when orca interact; and it’s not known what caused the injuries. But many conservationists suspect some fishermen retaliate violently.

“The fishermen hate the killer whales,” says Selling. The orca are protected, but “unobserved, the fishermen do what they want. They see them as competitors.”

Stories persist of fishermen stunning orca with electric prods, throwing lit petrol cans, cutting dorsal fins. Cazalla has seen two orca with recent injuries (Morris thinks there was an injured individual at her boat). “One has a significant scar – you can see white tissue so it’s deep.” This, he thinks, is unlikely to be from a propeller, which would cause multiple scars.

Selling points out that the orca interact with the almadraba as well as drop-line fishing, and talks of a male which worked out how to navigate the labyrinth of submarine nets to take tuna in Barbate years ago. This orca was later observed with serious injury to its dorsal fin. It hasn’t been seen since.

But the orca have endured harassment for decades. What explains the new behaviour? Was there reduced noise during the Covid lockdown? Selling says yes. “No big game fishing, no whale watching or sailing boats, no fast ferries, fewer merchant ships.” He’s intrigued by the idea that the orca had two months with reduced noise – “Something most of them probably never experienced before” – and considers the possibility they felt angry as the noise restarted (Gauffier thinks this unlikely, but notes that the Barbate pod still actively chases tuna, “for which they need a quieter environment”).

There is one very unscientific phrase I hear repeatedly from several researchers: “Pissed off”. Some speculate that the multitude of stresses these highly sentient cetaceans have endured – years of grieving lost calves, injuries, competition for fish, coupled with a pause and reintroduction of human activity, could have affected their behaviour. There is a great deal we don’t yet know about orca, which, like us, have evolved complex cultures and different languages around the world. A couple of years ago Ken Balcomb from the Center for Whale Research talked about endangered orca being dependent on scarce chinook salmon in the Pacific Northwest. “I’ve seen them look at boats hauling fish. I think they know that humans are somehow related to the scarcity of food. And I think they know that the scarcity of food is causing them physical distress, and also causing them to lose babies.”

Sounds like anthropomorphising? Lori Marino, neuroscientist and president of the Whale Sanctuary Project found in orca brains an astounding capacity for intelligence. “If we are talking about whether killer whales have the wherewithal and the cognitive capacity to intentionally strike out at someone, or to be angry, or to really know what they are doing, I would have to say the answer is yes. They are likely defending a territory or resources.”

Meanwhile, Nick Irving from Reliance is wondering if he should send clients’ boats out after the last three sustained damage: “Is it reckless?” Neither of us say it, but we’re both thinking he doesn’t want to be the mayor in Jaws – the obvious, if lazy stereotype that comes to mind. Word is starting to get out, frustrating Espada. Friends call, asking about the “attacks”, if it’s safe to swim. “Are you mad?” she asks. “Of course it’s safe!” As shark conservationists know all too well, it’s difficult to protect endangered animals with a bad image.

This tiny population’s presence is of huge importance, and if human activity is affecting their behaviour, human activity must be regulated. Gauffier has presented the Spanish Environment Agency with a conservation plan proposing that in the Barbate area, “activities producing underwater noise should be reduced to a minimum”. This is the very least that should happen. Each sailor I spoke to was concerned that their activities had stressed the orca. Victoria Morris, who has been searching for a specialist subject when she returns to study marine biology in autumn has found her topic. The Gibraltar orca has one more ally – which is good because these majestic, beleaguered mammals need all the help they can get.