#past years id always be on top of my attacks usually never have more than like 1-2 to do at a time but now i REGULARLY HAVE 4-5 TO DO

[whitefangz]

artfight is so much more insane this year i feel like everyone i know is getting like way more attacks than they can manage like wtf happened KDJFN

[tojiaesth]

ice queen. three.

toji fushiguro x f!reader

summary: figure skater!y/n once found solace in the scratching of her blade against the ice, the aches and pains of her body proof of her dedication. after breaking world records and reaching the top she so desperately climbed her way to, she’s at a loss. a meeting by chance, broken promises and guarded walls, y/n gets more than she bargained for by one introspective man.

word count: 1k +

warnings: angst, depression, panic attacks, suicide attempt, mentions of self harm, lots of depictions of poor mental health. read at own risk.

A/N: sorry that this took so long, i’ve been sick :/ i kept editing and editing, it got to a point that i just had to post and hope for the best.

series masterlist -> current -> four

You were exhausted. It had been several hours since you had won gold, having been subjected to countless interviews, photographs and the overall management of press. After millions of congratulations and conversations with other skaters, you were drained. When you finally walked out, dressed casually and grateful for your very comfortable gym shoes, the previously bustling arena was silent. It lingered in the air, and for the first time you actually admired its beauty, the stress of your programme and the masses of people meant you hadn’t really looked around. You weaved around the stairs and sat down, taking a deep breath.

You waited.

You waited for the wave of happiness and gratitude fill your body at the unwavering fact that you had fulfilled your life long dream. Instead, dread sat snugly in the pit of your stomach and you burst into tears. Your shoulders shook violently and you attempted to quieten the sobs that wrecked your body but you couldn’t. You cried like a child, and for a few minutes, you were. The overwhelming numbness washed through you, it was suffocating. You couldn’t breathe, it was too much, this was too much.

You stood up, shakily but swiftly trudging down the stairs, cheeks wet with tears.

What was the point? You had tried everything, furiously wiping your tears of frustration. Nothing had changed since you won, it was disheartening.

You didn’t know if it was your parents fault, if it was yours, if it was starting such a gruelling profession in the first place but you were tired. You reached for your phone in the pocket of your raincoat, fingers unable to punch in the passcode. You lifted down your mask and used the face ID, eyebrows furrowed as you saw you had no new notifications.

You just needed validation, desperately searching through the contacts for the one woman who had her claws in your every thought. You pressed dial, the sound of the phone ringing accompanying the heaviness in your chest and with a couple rings, she picked up.

“What is it, Y/N? I’m busy.” Your mothers usual snappy tone hit your ears and you swallowed down more tears.

“D-did you get my voicemail?” You cringed at how pathetic you sounded, voice cracking and evident of your breakdown.

There was a long pause as you heard voices in the background, it sounded like your father.

“...Yes.”

More pauses.

“Is that all you can say, Mom? I won. I did it for you and Dad. It took everything in me and I just...I want you to-”

“I don’t have time for what you want. Our business is on the verge of collapse and you think your stupid problems matter? As selfish as always.”

You clenched your phone, she had continued in a condescending tone but your attention was elsewhere. The growing anger that had slowly risen over the years was finally reaching a tipping point, boiling and twisting itself into an unpleasant form.

“Fuck you.” You spat.

“E-excuse me? How dare you-”

“I said fuck you, Mother. When have I ever been selfish? You and your husband have completely neglected me for the past twenty years and I’m the selfish one? You know what...I’m done vying for your approval. All I ever wanted was to hear you say you were proud of me, but that’s clearly never going to happen. You treated me like shit since the day I was born. You’re a terrible person and it breaks my heart knowing I was never given a chance. I don’t deserve this and as far as I’m aware, I don’t have parents. Have a nice life.”

You pressed end before you heard her reply, your fingers moving to block the number. You calmly placed the device into your trouser pockets, shrugging off your coat. You suddenly felt hot. As you walked out of the arena and into the main building, the air was cool on your t-shirt, bringing you back to reality. Your ears began ringing and air constricted around your lungs. Ignoring the torturous sensation, along with the heavy sound of the rain, you dragged your suitcase and opened it up, digging wildly around. Grabbing your skates you searched for the nearest window, which unfortunately were pretty high up, mouth twisting at the burning need to dispose of them.

Everything they represented was ruined. Your accomplishments, passion and determination was rooted out by the stem and ripped from the ground. All you saw now were your parents sneering faces, along with everyone else who had ever mistreated you.

You knew you looked crazy, eyes red and puffy, mascara dripping down your cheeks as you shivered at the cold, holding your skates like a newborn baby. You had tipped your suitcase over in the frenzy to find the equipment that you usually placed at the bottom, and your clothes were all over the footpath. A few individuals were still loitering, eyes curiously on you but your eyes were fixed to the window, deep in thought.

The roof! How could you forget that all arenas usually had large rooftops? They were your comfort when you needed a quiet place before a programme. You turned around quickly, ignoring the screaming at the back of your head and the sobs that threatened your body. Your phone buzzed wildly in your pocket, hot to the touch but you barely noticed, feet walking for you as your mind shut down.

“Isn’t that...Y/N?” Megumi asked, turning to his father. They had both snuck out, hiding from Mai’s overbearing parents who insisted on multiple family photos.

Toji slowed down as he noticed you open what looked like a large, heavy side door that you wouldn’t have noticed if you walked past. You struggled, the skates awkwardly placed in your hands reducing your strength. He could only see your side profile and they were still several feet away, but as someone who could quickly read situations, he determined that something was wrong.

“Dad?”

“Yeah? It looks like her. Megumi I think Maki went to get some snacks, go find her.”

Megumi side eyed his father, who simultaneously looked back at him. A silent agreement took place and his son turned around in the other direction.

Toji looked back at where you were spotted, except you weren’t there. His eyebrow knitted in confusion when he saw a single figure skate outside the same door. Moving closer, a black iPhone was placed next to it, a small crack lining the screen.

What the hell? He picked up the phone and it’s sensor lit the screen up, his eyes automatically scanning the text messages.

Akira: Please please pick up the phone. I’m really worried. I heard what you said to Mom, can we talk?

Father: How could you speak to your own mother like that? I have grown tired of your temper tantrums. Contact us when you are ready to apologise.

Shoko: I’m outside, let’s get drunk olympic athlete!!

Kou: Congrats, princess. I wish I was there. Call me later? I’m so proud of you.

Toji stopped reading, realising he was invading your privacy. But from what he could gather someone was worried and something had happened. Your phone rang again, and he froze, debating whether to answer.

His fingers moved before his mind.

“Y/N! Oh thank god, are you okay? I was really worried that something had happened, you sounded really upset on the phone and it scared me-”

“Hello?” Toji’s deep voice hit Akira’s ears and there was silence for half a second.

“Who is this? Where’s my sister?” Akira ran his fingers through his hair, he was surprised he still had hair at the severe stress he was going through.

“I’m...a friend. She left her phone on the floor? I think she went somewhere.”

Toji couldn’t explain he had only met you once and had picked up, essentially, a strangers phone.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck. Please could you go and look for her...she’s upset and,” He trailed off, not wanting to cause a panic.

“it’s complicated.” He finished.

“Okay, I saw where she went but it looked like she wanted some privacy. I can go and get her.”

Thank you. Tell her to call me when you do.” Akira let out a sigh of relief and ended the call.

Toji pocketed the phone, his eyes trailing at the random clothes strewn near the entrance. He recognised the dress you wore in your programme, and how sad and lifeless it looked curled up in a ball.

Quickly opening the door, he slipped through and let it clang behind him. There was a flight of stairs leading to an open door, wind blasting through and making him shiver. Even with his suit jacket, the air was bitter, a tender drizzle lightly spraying his skin as he concentrated on not falling on the slippery stairs. As he walked into the open air, he looked around, the stormy clouds ominously patterning the sky and darkening the area. There was no chairs or anywhere to sit, just a huge rooftop with a small, short railing that poorly lined the wall. He finally noticed you tucked into a corner, arms beside you, the one skate in your hand. You were soaked, hair clinging to your forehead as he moved closer, the wind was loud and he couldn’t hear anything but it looked like your lips were moving.

- - - - - tw: suicide attempt - - - - -

His mouth closed as quickly as it gestured to open, not wanting to startle you as your feet teetered on the edge. Toji was not one to panic, usually very calm and collected, a trait that many of his subordinates respected. In spite of this, his heart was beating out of his chest, a light sweat broke out on his forehead as he slowly neared. He slipped off his jacket, his mind reaching a million conclusions as he thought of ways best to reach you.

Time seemed to slow down when your stance wavered, foot slipping off the edge. Your skate dropped first, cruelly beckoning you as your body moved to follow. It looked so serene, the lightning glinting against the blade so quickly you didn’t even think about the sheer consequence of your actions. Would there be light? Or darkness? You had contemplated death so much but never what followed. Despite your acceptance, and as you braced yourself, your arms were grabbed and shoved with so much strength, you shrieked, body collapsing onto an arm as you fell back. Your chest was against someone, sensing their heartbeat wild in their rib cage, which mirrored yours. The adrenaline coursed through your body and you found yourself out of breath, lost as to what just occurred.

You both lay there, making no attempt to move, heartbeats simultaneously slowing down as the rain seemingly took its anger out on your surroundings.

“I’m...sorry?” You whispered, your questioning tone laced underneath your voice, now thick with tears. You didn’t know why you were apologising, but the heaviness in your chest returned when you began processing what you attempted. You were only brought back to reality by the strange man you were on top of, his somehow warm fingers laced around your arm.

Your head moved slightly everytime he inhaled, remaining silent.

Toji on the other hand, needed a moment. He never expected to be in this situation, nor worry that he had to stop a woman from dying. The look in your eyes were morose and completely defeated when you tried to fall, for a second everything slowed down and his body filled with dread.

“It’s okay. Here.” Toji shuffled up, bringing your shaking body with him, he gestured to the jacket he previously wanted to place on you, hesitating when he saw it was ruined. It was drenched with the rainwater that was beating against your heads, lying in a puddle on the floor. You were both ice-cold and needed to go inside, the unfriendly clouds aggressively emptying on the rooftop. Your legs were still jelly like, the adrenaline was still pumping in your veins and the drowning sadness was...gone.

You giggled, and it turned into laughter, head thrown back as your eyes closed. After a few minutes, you sighed contentedly, looking up at the sky as the rain drops fell softly on your cheeks. Your eyes glistened and you felt the man’s presence behind you, his hand gently placed on your shoulder, as your head dropped into his chest.

It was strange, in spite of the fact that he was a stranger, he was oddly comforting, assuaging the intense emotions raging through you. For a split second, as you fell it felt freeing.

But that scared you. As hard it was to live sometimes, you swore you’d never do anything like that. The small circle of people you cared about would be devastated. You couldn’t do that to them. Although a minuscule, albeit hated part of you wondered...would your parents care? Would they be full of regrets?

You didn’t know. You despised that they still inhabited your thoughts. You also despised that they could invoke such strong and scary emotions from you sometimes. You couldn’t believe that for a second they drove you to want to hurt yourself.

“You must think I’m crazy.” You stated. As you both stood there, the occasional clap of thunder making you jump, his protective arms lay across you and you did nothing to deter them.

“I don’t.” The bass of his voice rumbled against your back, piquing your curiosity at its familiarity. You turned around, his thoughtful eyes landing on yours. His hair was stuck to his forehead, draping across his eyes as rain droplets slid down his lips, a softer, more rosier colour than you imagined. The rain continued around you and you stared at each other, his green eyes boring into you. They were sincere, slightly concerned and not at all glancing at you in disgust like you feared. He was the kind man from earlier who gave you flowers. It stuck with you. Your eyes became misty and you looked away, the chemical reactions in your body altering itself back to normal.

“What’s your name?” You asked, eyes transfixed to the floor.

“Toji Fushiguro.”

“I’m Y/N L/N.” Your back was now to him, fists clenching at the soreness in your heart.

“Yeah. I know.” He replied softly. His hand clasped around yours as he guided you towards the door.

“Let’s go inside where it’s warm.”

You tugged his arm back a little, planting your feet on the floor and he stopped his motion. Lightning flashed across the rooftop, the both of you becoming significantly more soaked but you were distracted by his eyes, noticing golden flecks aligning his irises, emphasising its virescence.

“Do you ever feel like dying, Toji?”

His eyes fell on yours, scanning your face as you watched a reflection of the next flash of lightning in a puddle.

“Sometimes it’s all I think about. Maybe even everyday.” You continued, not waiting for a response. The sudden urge to empty out your soul to the tall man next to you was overwhelming.

“No matter what I do I can’t shake this suffocating feeling that my life will come to an end and I’ll be filled with regrets. It’s like someone is constantly sat on my chest and it goes away briefly when I skate.”

You sniffled and attempted to talk through your tears,

“Pretty heavy stuff for a 24 year old huh? I’ve accomplished everything I wanted...except the one thing that really mattered. My parents hate me so what’s the point? I was doing it for them - skating I mean. Now I feel like I’ve wasted years of my life, ruined the passion I had for the sport, pushed people away in a desperate attempt to stay focused. For what?”

You grew angrier, your fists clenched, the material of Toji’s dress shirt was bunched as your forehead leaned against his chest.

You sobbed for what felt like hours, eyes raw and cheeks red as he silently comforted you, his large hand pressed against the back of your head.

“Y/N. Chasing after unattainable goals was bound to make you feel this way. You are too hard on yourself. I don’t want to presume anything but instead of treating skating like a way to win the approval of others, treat it like a hobby. Maybe that way you’ll fall back in love with it again. I also think you deserve a break.”

He spoke softly, his smell enveloping your nostrils and as his hand lightly touched your hair, you felt your tears quieten. You didn’t want to have another panic attack. Your eyelids became heavy, and for a few more minutes you calmed down against the heartbeat in his chest, mimicking his slow breathing.

Part of you wanted to scream and run at the mere thought that this man had seen you in your most vulnerable moment, but he was sincere. You also understood what he was trying to say, now that you had won a gold medal, it was time for a long break - maybe even forever. You weren’t sure. It saddened you but you also felt relief. Maybe all you wanted was to hear that from someone else.

“Okay. Thank you for hearing me out, I truly appreciate it.” You gazed at him, his blurry figure underneath your eyes as you blinked back tears.

You looked up at the sky again, the rain slowing down and you wanted to laugh. The pathetic fallacy of the situation was amusing but liberating. The rain represented your struggles but it was now coming to a close.

“Let’s go back.” Toji took his hand in yours again and the feeling of safety washed through you.

You gently squeezed his hand as a response and your legs moved for you. Before you knew it, you were back in the arena, the area void of people. You sighed in relief and looked at your clothes that were still chaotically placed on the floor. Your foot brushed your other figure skate, the guards removed, the fluorescent lights catching on the blade.

Toji saw your demeanour change as you let go of his hand, shoving any piece of clothing into the case, purposely avoiding the equipment that your life revolved around. Your clothes dripped water onto the floor as you looked around wildly.

“Ah shit, where’s my phone?” You muttered to yourself, annoyed at the drama you felt you caused. The bright lights provided sudden clarity and you felt saddened that you had truly reached rock bottom.

“I have it, I noticed it on the floor as you left. I apologise for taking it.” Toji answered, reaching into his pocket and taking out the device.

“It’s fine, thank you.” You took it from his hands and as you looked down and scrolled through your notifications, Toji studied you. He wanted to ask if you were feeling better, or even probe more at what drove you to such a dark spot, but he appreciated that you were a reticent person and had actually opened up more than he’d expect. He also wanted to ask if you had any support, reluctant to let you leave his sight.

“Someone named Akira called. He...wanted to know if you were okay. He actually asked you to call him.”

You looked up slowly, eyes ascertaining his.

“That’s all he said.” Toji’s inquisitive eyes continued to look through you.

You fumbled with your phone, sensing his next question.

“I’m never going to do anything like that again so you can stop looking at me like that.”

Toji moved to reply, stepping towards you.

“Y/N?”

You both turned around.

Mai had come from the opposite direction, entire family in tow as their voices filled the area. They quietened down quickly, faces screwed at the scene before them. You both must’ve looked strange, stood stiffly in a corner with clothes soaked and uncomfortably clinging.

They were honestly the last people you wanted to see.

“Hi.” You forced a smile, willing yourself to act normal.

“I didn’t realise you were still here! I actually wanted to talk to you - wait why are you guys soaked? Or even...together?” She fired, hands placed on her hips. She too, was dressed down compared to before.

You froze, unable to come up with an excuse, faltering under the gaze of several eyes.

“Someone threw her things outside, I was helping her get them back.” Toji coolly replied, hands in his pockets.

A woman gasped behind Mai, moving closer.

“Oh my, are you okay? Have your things been returned? Some people can be very nasty! Well I guess with winning gold you’re bound to make enemies, Mai unfortunately was subjected to bullying when she was-.”

Mai cut her off as she rambled,

“Mom. Not now.”

She turned to you sheepishly.

“These are my parents. Don’t take anything they say seriously.” She gestured to the couple, continuing her introductions.

“This is my sister Maki. We’re twins. Oh and this is Megumi! Toji’s son.”

Despite your causal nodding and friendly acknowledgements, your eyes must’ve given away your shock at the new fact.

Toji chuckled next to you.

“I...thought he was your brother.”

“I get that a lot. No surprise with my good looks and-.”

“Dad, give it a rest.” Megumi huffed, seemingly used to his behaviour.

You smiled and awkwardly clutched your suitcase.

“I should go. It was nice to meet you all. Congratulations Mai.”

“Thanks!” Mai beamed at you, nudging her sister, who smiled back at her.

“It was lovely to see you skate in person, Y/N. Please, you are welcome in my home anytime.” Mai’s father shook your hand and his friendly aura almost made you forget your embarrassing appearance.

“Thank you, Sir. I appreciate it.”

“Oh no need to be so formal! Please call me by my first name.” You bowed appreciatively, really needing to leave.

“Wait! Could I have your number? Um I was hoping we could, talk? I don’t know, you don’t have to!” Mai shyly asked, hands behind her, her cheeks dusted pink.

“Sure.” You unlocked your phone and she quickly punched her number in. After she finished, you gave one last wave to the eccentric family.

“Thanks for your help, Fushiguro. It meant a lot.” You whispered, smiling. Toji felt a pang to his stomach, your smile was genuine but the hint of sadness hit his chest. He straightened up, ruffling your half dry hair affectionately.

“No worries.” He hesitated, worry evident.

“Do you need a ride home?”

“No! I think my friend has been waiting for me.” You had seen more texts from Shoko within the last ten minutes, her impatience obvious.

“Okay. Please take care of yourself.” He had lowered his tone amongst the chatter and you smiled weakly.

“Don’t worry. It’ll take time but I’ll be fine.

You shivered again and his eyebrows furrowed.

“Megumi. Give her your jacket.”

Your eyes widened, “No it’s okay!”

The warm material was draped around your shoulders anyway as Toji moved closer to you. You turned your face away so your blush wasn’t noticed. He smiled.

Maki and Megumi, two very perceptive individuals, glanced at each other, eyebrows raised.

Your phone rang, your cue to leave and you gave them one last goodbye.

“Uh, your skate? It’s on the floor.” Megumi remarked, pointing towards the equipment you had kicked earlier, shoving it behind what you thought was a hidden curve in the wall.

You sighed wearily.

“Ah! Thank you.” You grudgingly picked it up, hiding your dismay and as your eyes found Toji’s again, you could see the concern in them. You gave him one last reassuring nod and left again, hypersensitive to your surroundings. You sent your brother a quick text, tucking the skate into your arm.

Me: I’m okay. I think I need some time away from everything. I probably won’t be replying to any messages in the next few weeks but just know I’m safe.

It sent and you looked through the rest, replying to what you could and ignoring the angry messages from your father. Your phone rang and it was Shoko.

“I’m literally outside, don’t kill me.” You began before being interrupted.

“You’re all over Twitter, your name and Japan is trending and there’s like a million videos of your programme being retweeted. I’ve been busy watching them all and I am so so proud of you, Y/N. Let’s go out tonight, I wanna make up for being a sad excuse of a friend who didn’t even get to see it in person.” She rambled, her voice half sad, half excited for you and your eyes crinkled in happiness.

You needed to hear that.

“Done. Although with my current state, I will need to go home and change.”

Your eyes noticed her range rover parked outside the arena, windows rolled down despite the weather.

“It’s freezing, what’s with the windows?” You asked, having ended the call and leaning on her car.

She squealed in delight and quickly jumped out the car, engulfing you in her warm embrace. Her brown hair draped across your face as you inhaled her sugary scent.

“You’re incredible,” She murmured into your shoulder.

“I don’t think you realise that. But you will, one day.”

Your eyes glazed over and for the tenth time today you cried. She bundled you into her car, ungraciously throwing your suitcase in her boot. She slid beside you and her eyes shined with tears and you forgot everything that happened today. You loved that Shoko could turn the dark feelings that festered in you into smaller, more manageable pieces.

“Now enough tears. Let’s get this party started and for one night I will be an extremely irresponsible doctor and encourage you to get wasted.”

She giggled as you rolled your eyes, pressing a button where music drifted into the speakers. Band-maid, one of your favourite groups, filled the vehicle, the heavy rock sounds of the song Blooming commencing as you tipped your head back against the leather seat. You smiled and nodded your head along as she drove, eyes on the bright lights of the arena that slowly disappeared.

The feelings running through you were now a lot lighter on your shoulders as you twisted the hem of your jacket. Your mind wandered back to piercing green eyes, a distinct scent that would not leave your nostrils and warm hands that you could still feel around your own. You sniffed the collar of the jacket, realising where the same smell was from and scoffed. It made you lightheaded.

Shoko was still rambling in the background, slightly drowned out by the music as she animatedly discussed the itinerary for tonight, it was only 7pm and she emphasised how the both of you hadn’t explored the night life in Tokyo. You were surprised at your excitement as she spoke, earlier events pushed aside, but deep down you knew it needed to be addressed. Yes, you were young, successful and no longer decided to chase after things that made you unhappy but it would take time to heal.

Now was the time to start.

“Hey, Shoko?” You moved to turn down the music and looked at your best friend.

“Yeah?”

“I hate to be a killjoy but I’d rather just have a quiet night in. There’s also...something I wanna talk to you about.” You nervously looked at her, figuring out her reaction. You needed to confide in her and your mental health could only take so much.

She looked back at you, noticing the redness in your eyes and heavy eye bags and smiled softly.

“Of course babe.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“What the-”

Megumi slowed the car down after hitting something, his eyes glancing in bewilderment at his father.

“What? You insisted on driving, you figure it out.” Toji replied, shrugging his shoulders. Despite having said that, he rolled down his windows and peered out, noticing something shining against the street lamp.

He grumbled and got out the car,

“I’ll have a look. Next time check your surroundings, idiot.”

Megumi cussed under his breath, turned off the ignition and took out his phone.

The air was cooler, compared to the storm from half an hour ago. He walked towards what he thought was a piece of glass, hoping it hadn’t punctured the tyres. As soon as it was in his line of sight, he realised, looking up and seeing the arena’s rooftop above him.

Ah.

He thought about leaving it there but changed his mind, grabbing the lonely skate and discreetly putting it into the boot of his car. He slid back in the car seat, eyes clouded as he scrutinised his earlier conversation with you.

Did he say the right things? Should he have not let you go? Or given you his number? He was kicking himself, but he trusted you wouldn’t do that again.

“Dad? What was it?” Megumi asked, irritated at his father’s lack of response.

“Nothing. Start the car.”

“But I heard you open the-”

“Start the car.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

tag list: @kriswu46 @deadflowerd <3

[bahorell]

Les Amis (& co.) and what they’re like camping

Enjolras: Is kinda scared of the woods. Also he’s that guy that really has a hard time putting his phone down because “I just have to respond to this one email”. “Yeah give me one second I’m dealing with a work thing”. “omg did you hear about what’s happening in Canada? It’s horrible those poor people” “Enj the point of this is to get away from everything for a couple days” “Right I know…”. So if there’s even one bar of service they gotta go find a different place. When he isn’t on his phone he’s very active in all his friends activities. He’s not super outdoors-y so he mostly tags along when other people do things. He’ll have Baz or Courf take him on rides on their paddle boards. He’ll tag along when Chetta and Ferre go on hikes. He’ll be Feuilly’s little helper person when Feuilly’s working on building the fire. Or he’ll just hand out with people at camp or on the beach of the lake/river and just talk.

Combeferre: Loves camping because of all the bugs and critters! Found the tiniest little frogs on the shore of the lake one time and made everybody look at them. Brings plant and animal and bug ID books with him and will take little leaves or flowers and stick them in the pages of the book when he thinks he found a match. He doesn’t usually snack too much when he’s at home but when he’s in the woods he is always eating something and it’s really when he’ll let himself just go balls to the wall with the junk food. The only thing he doesn’t really like about camping is that he doesn’t get to go on jogs in the morning because he’s smart enough to not run into the woods in the middle of nowhere with no service by himself.

Courfeyrac: Has an inflatable paddle board that he bought! He likes to play lifeguard and will paddle around to all his friends who are swimming and give them rides to shore. He likes to share his paddle board with his friends but he didn’t have enough money to buy a super super fancy one that has a large weight capacity so usually if someone else is on it with him it sinks into the water enough to stress him out. Also he shares a big tent with Combeferre and Enjolras and he likes to sleep in the middle of the two of them.

Joly: Invested in a super super cute small teardrop camping trailer a couple years ago. It’s easier for him to get in and out of than a tent or god forbid a hammock (Bahorel has to lift him into it then Joly wants to get in one… this is also partially because Bahorel sets up all the hammocks and they are p much impossible to get in unless you are also 6’7”) The inside of the camper is just a bed and the back hatch opens up to cabinets and drawers and a counter and stuff that makes a nice little make shift kitchen. He’ll set up the camp stove and the cooking area right next to it. He’s not super involved in any of the cooking it just gives him less stress when the food area is organized and the table legs are on a flat surface.

Jehan: Jehan tells the ghost stories. They aren’t very good at telling ghost stories so nobody really gets scared (except for Marius and if they’re really doing a good job Enj will get a little spooked). They also wake up with the sunrise so they’re up and ready to start the day at like 5am… and they really aren’t quiet about it so they manage to wake up 2/3 of everybody else at camp. Has more dietary needs than other people so when every one gets together to build a grocery list and meal plan for the trip they’ll make their own list. They really don’t mind because they HATE sharing snacks so having their own little baby cooler all to themselves is the best. Bousset: Somehow manages to have the most amazing balance and can get on and off Bahorel or Courf’s paddle boards like it’s nothing but when he gets in the canoe with anybody they somehow always tip it over within like 20 seconds. He is the opposite of Jehan he’ll sleep until like 2 in the afternoon if one of them doesn’t come to wake him up. He’s also usually in charge of getting all the booze together for the trip bc he’s very aware of what everyone likes to drink. He takes turns with Chetta sleeping in the trailer with Joly since not all three of them can fit. When he’s not sleeping in the tent he’s sharing a tent with Grantaire.

Feuilly: Fire guy. Loves the fire. Is always excited for the sun to go down so he can start the campfire. Will not take his eyes off the fire. I mean seriously. They once played never have I ever and when it got to be his turn they timed him to see how long it would take for him to realize it was his turn bc he was too busy staring at the fire to pay attention (it was a solid 4 minutes). Sleeps in a tiny little one person tent that would make anybody else claustrophobic but he LOVES it. He does set up a hammock right next to Bahorel’s. He doesn’t sleep in it but the two of them will take naps together in their hammocks. He also has to dowse his body in SPF 10000000000+ because he’s the whitest person ever, and somehow he still manages to get a sunburn on some part of his body.

Bahorel: He’s the guy thats super picky about the camp spot. “eh i mean this one is cool but it’s a little too close to the other campsite and I don’t wanna be that close to other people thats the point of this trip is to get away from everybody.” “This one WOULD be perfect but it doesn’t have good access to the lake so it’s gonna be hard for those of us that have boats to get down there” “Bahorel the boat ramp is like 1/8 of a kilometer away we can just walk down to that…” “i mean we COULD… but it just kinda sucks” Also Bahorel has this super nice hammock system with like a bug net and a rain tarp, he will not sleep on the ground because he is scared of bugs and also the baby boy likes getting rocked to sleep. He always follows Feuilly around when he’s looking for a place to put his tent and he’ll set up his hammock right next to him. And he WAILS to Feuilly when they get back home because his SKINCARE ROUTINE GOT MESSED UP FEUILLY OHHH MY GODDDD

Grantaire: Not super big on camping but if he’s with his friends he’s having fun. There’s something about being in the woods that makes him quiet… but not in a sad way. He feels really peaceful when he isn’t dealing with a bunch of people in a big city (Even tho he loves the city). He always brings stuff so that he can draw or paint the mountains or his friends on the lake but he usually doesn’t get enough time to really make anything more than a sketch. He’s not scared of water but he avoids going in the lake if it’s not a part of it that’s deeper than his tummy. He won’t get in the boats unless there’s a lot of coaxing (usually by Enj)

Marius: LOVES being in the woods. I mean really loves it. Surprisingly it’s usually Marius that sends out the text to the group chat that’s like “hey is everybody free in a couple weekends? I wanna go camping!” He just really doesn’t like going by himself or going with just one or two people. He wakes up super early as well and usually will sit with Jehan and share coffee waiting for everybody else to wake up. Sometimes the two of them will go on a little walk together. He winds down pretty early in the evening though since he wakes up so early and is usually ready for bed by like 8:45pm. He’s also that guy that wants to eat all the berries on the bushes they walk past and has almost given Combeferre a heart attack like 7 times.  

Eponine: She’s… alright to camp with. She gets kinda grumpy in the mornings because of how cold it is but she warms up (both temperature wise, but also her mood) once she’s eaten and it’s gotten warmer out. She really just likes to lay in one of the communal hammocks and read book after book. She’ll also tag along with Gavroche on a lot of his little adventures. When she’s not with Gavroche or letting Combeferre show her all the little bugs and cool plants he found, she just sunbathes. For HOURS straight. Going camping for her is just a really long fun weekend to get her tan on.

Cosette: She’s so fun to camp with!! She’s like… the best person to camp with. She always does the planning and researches everything there is to do at and near the campsite. She knows all the hiking trails nearby and what areas have service and which ones don’t. She knows which campsites have lake/river access. She also makes the best camp coffee. It’s really the only time she drinks coffee unless it’s like… finals week or she’s got an early flight or something. She also ALWAYS has to tell her dad where they’re going. She shares her location and route with him on the drive there and texts him to let him know she’s about to lose service and texts him the second she has a bar of service. He’s just very protective and she wants to make sure that he knows she’s safe. Plus if anything DOES happen he knows where she’s going and can come save the day.

Musichetta: She sleeps like the entire time she’s camping. She’ll wake up in the morning and move from her tent or the camper and go lay in one of the communal hammocks near the fire ring and doze off with her hot chocolate… which she has spilled a couple times. Once it warms up a little she’s walk down to the lake or river and lay down, get her tan on, and take a nap. One of her favorite things is to go on hikes with Combeferre. He’s one of the only people in the group that can keep up with her. If they go with other people usually by the time they reach the end of the trail the rest of the group is about 2 miles behind them. One of the best parts of camping for her is going home and showering after not showering for like 3 or 4 days.

Gavroche: Spends the entirety of the first day trying to find the perfect tree to put the perfect swing on. He also likes to try to find any big rocks near the campsite and go bouldering and run around on top of them. He still really has that childhood curiosity about everything and no fear. He’ll run off trail trying to find deer or elk. If he doesn’t get back home with a couple scratches or bruises he doesn’t consider it a good camping trip. He also will swim out to Bahorel’s paddle board and Bahorel will grab him out of the water and throw him back in. Gavroche thinks it’s the most fun thing in the world even though he’s growing really fast and it’s taking a little bit more muscle every year for Bahorel to throw him as far as Gav wants him to.

[hoebii]

To the moon

Pairing : JJK x Reader , PJM x Reader

Genre : Angst, fluff, college!Au

Rating : 18+

Warning : Swearing, major character death (disease), symptoms of terminal disease, talking about death, one sided love, pining 

Wc : 3.3k

A/N : Thank you @chemicalpink for being my amazing beta who helped making this fic much more than a hot mess. A huge thank you to @taegularities for making me this BEAUTIFUL banner!! I love this banner so so so much~ and @voiceswithoutlips for letting me use her name in the fic, ilysm <3 I had the idea for this fic for a while and this might be the favourite fic from what I’ve written so far so I really hope it’s good. As usual, hope you guys enjoy this one and feed back is always appreciated~

-------

Jimin could only watch from afar as Jungkook and you danced around within the crowd of people. Usually he could be found in the middle, Jimin was known to be the life of the party after all. But, he couldn’t seem to enjoy himself, not while being sober anyway. 

Downing the drink in his hand, he couldn’t help but wince a bit at the burning sensation as the liquid flowed down his throat. Slapping himself softly a few times he spoke to no one in particular, “Come on, Jimin, you got this. You’ve watched them love each other for years now, what’s one more night?”

Shaking his head to clear his mind, he pushed off the wall he was leaning against. He needed more alcohol if he wanted to survive the night without another heartbreak. Flinging the cup away nonchalantly, he strode towards the kitchen to grab another one. 

Reaching the counter, he grabbed the strongest alcohol he could find and gulped down half the bottle at one go. Would he regret it in the morning? Most definitely. But, did he care now? Not a single bit. 

“Oof, what’s got you drinking your life away?” he heard none other than Jungkook ask, seemingly appearing out of thin air beside him.

Choking on his drink, Jimin hit his chest as he placed the bottle down. Glaring at his smiling best friend, he grumbled, “Don’t scare me like that! I almost had a cardiac arrest, my good fellow.”

“My good fellow? Since when am I a ‘good fellow’?”

“You’re right. You almost gave me a heart attack, assbutt.”

Jungkook snorted, rolling his eyes as he grabbed two cups out of the stack, “Okay, Castiel. No need to get your panties in a twist now.”

“Bold of you to assume I’m wearing anything underneath.”

Wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, he bumped his shoulder with Jimin’s, “How sexy of you.”

Jimin shook his head, a small smile on his lips as he raised the bottle to his lips once again, “Very sexy of me indeed.”

“Alright alright. Stop moping about and drinking your life away and come join us! Y/N was asking where you were,” Jungkook revealed, “we need our third dumbass for the trio to be complete!”

Jimin slumped a little at the mention of you, before straightening up with his trademark flirtatious smirk. Thankful that the boy beside him didn’t notice - or if he did then didn’t comment -, “Aw, is this your way of inviting me to a threesome? Cause I’m in just so you know.” 

Head thrown back in laughter, Jungkook’s shoulders shook, “Yeah dude, we’re gonna have such a sexy time fucking in a frat house.”

“Bet.”

With that, Jimin took one last swig from the bottle before starting towards the main room, “Time to get this party started.”

-------

Jimin woke up to a pounding head with a start, covering his eyes with a hand in a futile attempt to block out the sunlight, he groaned, “Why’d I drink so much last night. Fuck you past Jimin.”

Moving to get out of the bed, he stopped dead in his tracks when he felt something, or someone, wrapping their hand around his torso. Looking down, his eyes widened like saucers as he recognised none other than Kas cuddling up to his bare chest. 

Scrambling to move away, Jimin fell off the bed with a squeak, successfully dragging the bed covers with him. 

Jerking awake, Kas groaned about her lost sleep, looking over the side of the bed to the flabbergasted man on the ground.

“If I knew this was how you started the morning, I’d never say yes to sleeping with you,” she remarked in a gruff tone.

“You- I- We-” Jimin sputtered from his spot on the ground.

“You, I, We, yeah we fucked last night,” Kas said offhandedly, rolling back to burrow into her pillow to fall asleep once more.

Clambering up, Jimin looked around the room he was in, noting that it was indeed, not his - though it was a room he wasn’t a stranger to either -. It wasn’t a surprise to anyone that Jimin was, put in simple words; a fuck boy. He had slept with a majority of the uni population by now. So it was safe to say Kas’s room was nothing new to him - thanks to his previous rendezvous with her. 

Though it was surprising that he was there at that moment, for he had stopped sleeping around as soon as he realised his feelings for you. Now, most people might do the opposite and excuse their actions with ‘I’m trying to get over them’ but Jimin couldn’t bring himself to do that. He didn’t find anyone else even remotely interesting enough to spend a night with besides you.

“Kas this-” Jimin started but the brunette was faster, waving her arm dismissively as she spoke, “It means nothing, I know. You’re too in love with your best friend, blah blah blah.”

“I’m sorry.”

Kas huffed out a laugh, rolling over to face him from the bed, “Why’re you sorry? It’s not like we have feelings for each other.” She continued as she rolled her eyes and smirked playfully, “besides, you’re not my type anyway. I’m more into guys like Namjoon.”

Body sagging in relief, Jimin could only chuckle along as he started gathering his clothes, “You know, I could always give you his number?”

“Then what? I call him and say ‘Hey, I got your number from Jimin after a one night stand. Let’s go on a date.’?”

“I mean, technically you could.”

A moment of silence passed as the two delved into a staring contest of sorts.

“Okay, so I’m gonna go now,” Jimin drawled out, getting dressed as he inched towards the exit, “I’ll text you hyung’s number later, by the way. Do whatever you wish to with that.”

“You’re such a shady fucker, Park,” Kas said jokingly, “how you befriended someone like Namjoon is beyond me.”

With a laugh he left, “See you around, Kas.”

-------

Jimin unlocked the front door of his apartment, not caring about the noise as he was certain that his roommate was out by now.

“Welcome back, man-whore,” Jungkook greeted from his spot on the couch, eyes glued to the TV screen in front of him. 

Jimin’s body tensed instinctively, eyes widening in shock as he looked at his roommate playing video games, “What are you doing here?”

“I live here.”

“Yeah but what are you doing here now?”

“Playing video games.”

Jimin sighed exasperated, “Aren’t you usually with Y/N at this time?”

Jungkook mimicked the elder’s sigh to mock the older, “Yeah but she’s busy today.”

Processing the information, Jimin nodded his head, “I’m gonna go freshen up.”

“Alright.”

-------

Steam escaped the bathroom as Jimin stepped out, drying his hair with a towel as he walked to his room. Just as he entered, he heard his phone ringing. Looking around the place, he spotted his vibrating phone at the edge of the bed where he had thrown it before going into the shower.

Grabbing the phone, he picked up the call without checking the ID, “Can you please call back? I’m on the other line with my proctologist and he’s trying to explain to me why I have a perfect ass.”

“What the fuck did you just say?” 

“Ah Jin-hyung! How are you?” 

“None of that. First tell me what the fuck you just said.”

Jimin snickered, moving to sit on the bed, “Don’t worry about it. I usually start calls with the weirdest thing I can think of so if it’s a scam call, they leave me alone.”

“You know,” Jin started, “if you used even half the brain power you use on shit like this while studying, you’d be one of the smartest students in your university.”

“Where’s the fun in that though?” Jimin whined, falling back to lie down, “besides, I’m already one of the top students in our batch.”

“Overconfidence will take you nowhere Park Jimin,” Jin stated.

“Lies. You’re a world renowned model, are you not?” 

“Aish, you’re such a brat.”

Giggling, Jimin switched his phone from one ear to the other, “Only for you. Now tell me how you’ve been! It’s been ages since we last spoke.”

-------

“Fuck! Taehyung focus!” Jungkook shouted into his mic as he killed another enemy, rushing to his friend’s dying avatar and quickly reviving him.

“Sorry, I was drinking some water real quick,” came Taehyung’s reply, “I thought that spot was safe for a quick sip.”

“You were literally hiding in a bush in an open field,” Jungkook deadpanned, throwing a grenade at the building he knew the enemy squad was hiding. 

“Ooh nice one,” Taehyung said as the game announced that he had killed two players with the grenade. 

“Taehyung-ah, only two more players left. If we lose then I’m gonna end you.”

-------

You hissed in pain as another rose thorn pricked one of your fingers, “I hate this so much.”

“Oh cheer up, Y/N. Gardening will never be fun if you’re such a grump!” your grandfather announced, plucking another rose and placing it in his basket.

“I wouldn’t even be here if I didn’t love you so much, grandpa.”

“I love you too, bubbles. Let’s go to that patch now! Be careful though, those have more thorns,” your grandfather beamed like a little kid on Christmas morning as he moved towards the white rose patch.

You could only groan as you dragged your feet to follow him, “Great, more thorns. Yay.”

-------

“Alright, five minutes break for getting water and shit,” Jungkook announced before taking his headphones off. 

He stood up and stretched, feeling his joints crack as he did so. Looking at the clock, he realised that he had been playing for a few hours now. 

“Damn I went so long without moving? No wonder I’m so thirsty.”

Jungkook rolled his neck, hearing some more bones cracking as he walked towards the kitchen to grab some quick snacks. Walking by Jimin’s room, he heard the older man talking to someone.

He was about to move on, having no interest in eavesdropping, when he thought he heard your name. Ignoring his brain that urged him not to listen, he moved closer to the closed door, trying to hear what was being said.

“I don’t know hyung…” he heard Jimin say, “you know how I feel about Y/N. I don’t think I can go on a date with someone else.”

His eyebrows furrowed as he listened. There was a pause, no doubt the person on the other line speaking before he heard Jimin speak again.

“I know I have to get over her, hyung. It’s just,” Jimin sighed, “it feels unfair for the other person, you know? Going on a date with them while I’m in love with Y/N and all.”

Jungkook’s eyes widened, he barely held a gasp in as he heard Jimin. He knew that Jimin used to have feelings for you when they were younger so he made sure to ask him before pursuing a relationship with you when he caught feelings for you too. He clearly remembered Jimin telling him that he no longer had feelings for you when Jungkook had confided to him about his growing affections for you. 

Jungkook moved away from the door, shaking his head as he realised that the other man had lied back then. He had prioritised Jungkook over himself. Typical Jimin, he thought.

Not wanting to barge in on Jimin mid call, Jungkook decided that he would speak to him about it later on. With that noted in his mind, he continued his journey to the kitchen to get some snacks. 

-------

Time flew by, days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months. Jungkook ended up never speaking to Jimin about his conversation, too swept up with university life and finals that came banging on the door. 

It was during that time when Jungkook’s health started deteriorating. It started with him feeling nauseous even though he didn’t do or have anything that might have caused it, then came his loss of appetite. 

Every time he would brush away your and Jimin’s concerned gaze, saying it was just him overexerting himself with all his extracurricular activities and studies. What worried you the most was when he started to drastically lose weight. The once muscular and energetic boy who loved playing outdoor games slowly turned into a sickly and frail boy who no longer had enough energy to move much without getting exhausted. 

Jimin and you tried time and time again to get him to see a doctor and he time and time again waved away your concerns, always dismissing his decline in health with some sort of excuse. 

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when one day he started to complain about severe back pain and difficulty breathing. You had called Jimin and the two of you rushed to the hospital with the barely conscious boy.

------- 

It was a day like any other, Jimin woke up, got dressed, made some food for himself and his roommate. Checking on Jungkook in the other room as soon as he was done. 

Holding the tray of food in one hand, he knocked on the open door to announce his presence, “Hey Kook. Got your breakfast, we’re having eggs and bacon today!”

Cracking one eye open, the younger man could only give a weak smile, “Morning, hyung.”

Moving to place the tray on the bedside table, Jimin helped him sit up - placing pillows behind him against the headboard so he could lean back and be comfortable as he ate.

“Where’s Y/N?” Jimin asked as he sat beside the bed, grabbing the food and starting to slowly feed the other. You decided to move in with them after Jungkook got diagnosed with the last stage of pancreatic cancer last year.

Chewing on the egg, Jungkook struggled to swallow before answering, “She went to the department store to grab some stuff.”

Nodding, Jimin fed him another bite, making sure that it was small enough for him to swallow without much struggle. The two continued in comfortable silence, only the scraping of the utensils against the plate and the distant chirping of birds from outside could be heard inside the room. 

It was a beautiful day, so why did it feel as if something was wrong? Jimin could only wonder, his eyebrows furrowed in thought before he shook his head to get rid of the negative thoughts. 

After making sure that Jungkook finished the whole meal and drank enough water, he placed the tray back on the bedside table. Jimin knew that the younger would want to read something to pass the time so he got up to grab a book from his shelf, eyes scanning all the spines before finally picking one he thought the other would enjoy.

Turning, he walked back towards Jungkook and handed him the book, moving to take the tray so he could clean up. 

Before he could leave however, the younger man called his name. Turning to face him, Jimin raised an eyebrow in question, “What’s up?”

“I forgot to talk to you back then but,” Jungkook started, a coughing fit making him pause midway, “I heard you on the phone that day last year. The day after the party where you went home with Kas noona?”

Jimin’s posture straightened, his body tensing as he recalled that day. The only one he spoke to on call, as far as he could remember was Jin. 

Clearing his throat, Jimin walked back to the bed, placing the tray back on the bedside table as he sat by him, “Oh? What about it?”

“I was walking by to grab some snacks when I heard you confessing your feelings for Y/N, hyung.”

It was like someone had just punched Jimin in the throat, a gasp leaving his plump lips as his eyes widened. 

“Kook, I-”

“Don’t worry,” Jungkook smiled softly, “I know you wouldn’t ever try anything. I trust you.”

Jimin didn’t know what to say, opting to grab one of his hands and softly running his thumb over it, “Kook I’m trying to get over her, I swear I am. It’s just a little difficult when you’ve loved someone for years.”

Chuckling, Jungkook placed his other hand on top of Jimin’s, “It’s fine, I don’t blame you. She’s an amazing girl, hyung. Anyone would fall for her.”

The two share a silent moment, though it was a comfortable one. None of them felt the need to speak, just enjoying the little peaceful moment they were sharing.

Jimin felt the grip on his hand tightening, the other’s face turning into one that showed discomfort, “Hyung, I don’t feel so good.”

“What are you talking about? Let me call the ambulance!” Jimin exclaimed frantically, freeing his hand from the younger’s, rushing to go grab his phone from the other room. 

Right as he was about to get up though, a hand grabbed a hold of his wrist. Halting him in his steps.

“Clam down, will you? I don’t want the last thing I see before dying is you panicking like a headless chicken.”

Swallowing back tears harshly, Jimin’s eyebrows creased in concern, “What are you talking about? How are you joking in a moment like this!”

Shaking his head, Jungkook smiled again, voice strained with the effort of him speaking through the pain and fatigue he felt, “No listen, it’s fine. Just make sure to take care of Y/N alright? She might act all tough but she’s as fragile as a flower.”

“Jungkook, please. Let me go get my phone so I can take you to the hospital,” Jimin begged, voice trembling as his eyes glazed over with unshed tears.

Ignoring his pleads, Jungkook continued with a laugh, “We always joked about how one day in the future we’d go to the moon together like in those movies. Guess that won’t be happening in this life, huh?” 

“Fuck Kook, you can! Just let me get the damn phone!” Jimin almost screamed in frustration, rapidly blinking back his tears as his hands shook.

Meeting his eyes, Jungkook only continued smiling, a peaceful look overtaking his feature, “Take her to the moon for me, alright?”

It was getting harder to keep his eyes open, but this time he didn’t fight the numbness that took over him. In that moment Jungkook truly felt at peace, knowing that the two of the people he cared so much for would be alright. That they had each other when he wouldn’t be there. 

------- 

That was what you walked in on. The sight of your boyfriend lying on his bed, looking more at peace then you had seen him in the past year. You could almost smile at the seemingly happy moment but the sobbing man beside him indicated something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

“What’s going on? Why’re you crying Chimmy?” You asked cautiously, still standing at the door.

Jimin’s head snapped up, his blood shot tearful eyes locking with yours, “He’s gone.”

The grocery bags that you were holding a moment ago were on the ground, the sound of glass breaking heard from inside. “What do you mean he’s gone?” You asked, lips quivering as your voice trembled.

Getting up from his seat, Jimin walked towards you, pulling you into a crushing hug as you started weeping, “You’re lying! He can’t be gone, he can’t leave me!”

Jimin could only hold you tighter, caressing the back of your head as he shushed you gently, whispering an endless string of apologies even though he couldn’t stop crying himself.  

“Please tell me this is some sort of a sick prank you two are pulling on me. Please tell me you’re joking and he’s alright,” you begged, weakly grabbing the collar of his shirt and tugging at it in desperation. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered again, kissing you on top of your head, “Let it out, I’m here for you, moonlight. Just like I promised.”

[nerdpiggy]

Tell us about your ocs!! I'm genuinely curios bc of the tags

[ID: Meme of Hatsune Miku smiling. Top text reads "Thanks for sending me a message". Bottom text reads "You're very cute and I will be replying to you".]

Robin "Robbie" Fuller: The character i play in a DND campaign.

they/them pronouns. they're nonbinary and asexual and don't care to label their romantic attraction.

They're 22 years old and 5'9" (175cm)

Their birthday is November 12th. they're a scorpio

They started off as a Mundane MOTW character and they're now a level 7 warlock in DND. They're a human

They live in a small coastal town in massachusetts called Holyoak and they go to the local college to learn culinary. They live in a single dorm and they have a cute widdle black cat named Chickadee

One day (for various reasons) their life was flip-turned upside down with discovering the existence of monsters, portals, different dimensions, and rifts in spacetime

One of the reasons for them discovering all of this was them meeting a man named Thomas who's a human from a different dimension called the Palisades. He's a well-known Judge over there. (Thomas is @bevtastic 's character)

Robbie gets an offer to join the Interdimensional Defence Agency (IDA), says fuck it and accepts, and Robbie and Thomas stay friends by virtue of their similar jobs.

Robbie is tasked to go to a different dimension (A half-medieval half-wild west desert town called Argyle) to stop a threat that was growing there. Threat turned out to be a massive mind-controlling dragon who wanted revenge for the rest of her dragon species that were killed off by medieval "heroes". Robbie was not cut out for this as their first job. They (with help) subdue the dragon eventually but not before she burned down multiple towns including Argyle to a crisp. Robbie feels very bad about this.

Robbie, Thomas, and the rest of the party receive a mysterious letter leading them to an old abandoned mansion in Holyoak and get roped into a rescue mission to save Thomas's old friend Percy who has apparently been bodysnatched by a bad guy and trapped somewhere for what felt like thousands of years. This is the arc where we switched from Monster of the Week to DND, and Robbie gets connected to a nature deity Adelaide through a purple necklace. They also get a familiar, who is an owl with pitch-black feathers and glowing yellow pupilless eyes that Robbie named Mr. Muffins.

Robbie and Thomas become very good friends :)

Thomas dies.

Robbie goes to the Palisades to find out what happened to him. Turns out he wanted to reveal the secret of interdimensional travel to the public and work to make it open, free, and safe. The people in charge did not allow him to do this by legal means so he aimed to do it illegally, which was when he was murdered by a group of bandits.

On top of that, one of the main reasons why he wanted to reveal the different dimensions is because there is a HUGE interdimensional threat coming our way, and we need to act on it if we want to live.

Percy finds Robbie and asks them to help with this threat, who apparently is a singular person named Siris that has been locked in a prison for thousands of years and somehow got out. Robbie doesn't have much of a choice and accepts.

In the Palisades, there are monsters called Behemoths. they emerge from people who get bitten by a behemoth or who touch the black tar-like substance that runs like rivers in certain areas of the Palisades. During a battle, Robbie gets bitten by a Behemoth, and now they're a candidate for Behemism (aka turning into big giant monster syndrome).

Because Robbie has Behemism and Siris is part of the reason for Behemism existing, they're mind roommates now. Robbie and Siris do not get along very well.

There's more to Robbie but this is their main backstory!!!

[ID: a drawing of Robbie holding a chrysanthemum. They have short pink curly hair, and they're wearing a yellow floral button-up and a purple necklace. They have bandages on their freckled face and they're looking down at the chrysanthemum with a neutral expression.]

Emile Azarel: A character i play in a different campaign that does MOTW.

He/him pronouns, he's trans, demisexual, and demiromantic.

He's 19 and he's 5'3

He doesn't know his actual birthday but the day he celebrates is January 23rd

His MOTW class is The Expert. He's a fire genasi

He was born in central Russia but he doesn't know his parents well because when he was ~8 months old there was a big monster attack that unfortunately killed his parents. A monster hunter named Avery Azarel found Emile, took him in and raised him.

Emile learned to hunt monsters with Avery and the two traveled around together as monster hunters.

Eventually Emile wished to have a solid place to live rather than constantly traveling, because he wanted friends. He found a town in the pacific northwest called Salmon Peak that had everything he wanted: Russian culture, a fairly small easy-to-get-around layout, and some very weird mysteries going on. (Just because Emile wanted to settle didnt mean he wanted to stop monster hunting!)

He moved to Salmon Peak and has met a bunch of new friends! He's also learning more and more about the town, which is turning out to be somehow even weirder than he expected.

Emile is a very sweet, polite boy, but considering the fact that he's only ever been around one person mainly for his entire life, he has a bit of a ways to go when it comes to interacting with people. The monster hunting life means that when there's a monster, you kill it and that usually solves all your problems. Emile has transferred this logic to people as well (if they're a monster, kill em!) and he's learning through friend influence that maybe human lives are a bit more sacred than that.

His favorite color is blue because he loves the sky!

A lot of people underestimate his skills because he's little and looks very young, but he is a very good monster hunter. Because of Avery (the best monster hunter in the biz), his last name has a bit of a reputation.

Emile is blind, autistic, and has vitiligo!

I have much more planned for Emile but I can't say it here because it is MAJOR spoilers!

[ID: a drawing of Emile walking forward. He is wearing a blue shirt with stars on it, blue jeans, a fluffy white jacket, a belt with a star on it, star earrings, a moon necklace, and black shoes. His blue hair is swaying behind him and he's holding a white cane with a red tip. He's smiling slightly.]

Avery Azarel: Emile's parent! I've not played them as a character yet but I've made a character sheet for them.

they/them pronouns. They're agender, aromantic, and pansexual

their age is (???) and their height is 5'7

they have a birthday but nobody knows when it is

Their MOTW class is The Chosen. they appear human

They're widely considered the best monster hunter in the biz. Their name is well-known and they're requested for help all around the world

Because of this, they're constantly traveling and having a house would not make sense. They just pack their things, stay at motels/hotels/etc., camp in the woods and move around to wherever people need them.

Since they've been pretty much everywhere, they always seem to know at least one person from each town. They never seem to get too close to anyone, though

They are fluent in many different languages!

In the past they were paired up with another monster hunter and they made a great duo. That was a couple decades ago; they go solo now.

Years ago, an unexpected and incredibly destructive monster rampaged a small town in Central Russia. Avery came as fast as they could (they were nearby in the area) but they still couldn't finish off the beast before it tore the whole town to shreds. Dozens of homes were crushed, but surprisingly most people survived, with the exception of a couple of people who died under the rubble. Avery felt awful (this was their biggest failure in a while), and as they were searching through the rubble for any more casualties they found little baby Emile, miraculously unscathed. They took him in and raised him from then on.

Nobody, not even Emile, knows very many details about Avery's childhood, their family, their age, or really any information about them. (Emile has been trying to figure out Avery's birthday for AGES so they can celebrate, but Avery has refused to budge)

Their main weapon is 2 pairs of bolas! those are those chains with 2 balls on either end, usually made to be thrown at people's legs to restrain and trip them. they use the bolas both as restraining tools and as their main weapon, because i think weapons where you spin them really fast in front of you are cool

There's a scar over their left eye; whenever someone asks how they got it they always spin a different elaborate tale of an epic monster battle. Nobody knows which (if any) is the true story

there is a WHOLE LOT that I am leaving out if you couldn't tell. There's a huge chunk of their past that I'm leaving out because it's all a big bundle of spoilers. Someday I will be able to elaborate more on Avery!

[ID: a picrew made by djarn of Avery. They're smiling, their head is tilted slightly, and there's a scar over their left eye. Their hair is tied half-up half-down. They're wearing a black shirt with "òwó" on it and a blue jacket with an aromantic flag pin and a pansexual flag pin. the background is an agender flag.]

These are my main OC's! I have more (Orion, Nottwyrm, "Noodlearms", etc.) but these 3 are the main ones that I post about. :3 thank u for asking!!!

If you have any questions about any of my characters I always welcome asks!!! 💖

[lovemesomesurveys]

“I’m a dick, I’m addicted to you”

Do you add extra letters to words sometimes? (ex. haaaa) Yeahhh.

Do you like the letter Z or Q better? I don’t favor one over the other. Who would you like to be stuck on an island with? I’d like to not be stuck on an island at all. What's your favorite quote? I have a lot of favorite quotes. I just love relatable stuff that puts into words how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking better than I can. I struggle with expressing myself and putting it into words, so. Name one random fact about your best friend. She loves the ID channel.

Do you like vegetables or fruit better? Gonna be honest, I don’t eat much of either one. Especially, fruit... it’s been a few years since I’ve had any. :X I have spinach, potatoes, and green onions pretty often, but that’s all the veggies I’ve had in a few years as well. In comparison to my zero fruit intake it’s something at least, ha. There are fruits I like and a few more veggies as well, but I just haven’t had them in awhile. What brand of shoes do you wear? Adidas. What's your favorite smiley face? On the computer I use :) Do you believe that if someone goes to bed thinking of u, u dream of them? I’ve heard that before and it can be a cute thought, but nah. Have you ever snitched on someone for cheating? No. Do you own a Snuggie? I do. What's your favorite number? 8. Which of the 7 dwarves are you most like from Snow White? Sleepy. What's the last movie you watched? Dumb and Dumber yesterday. What's your favorite month? October and December.

“I’m alright”

Do you like the smell of campfires? Yesss. If you could do one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? I don’t know. Do you like eggnog? Yes. Is there a song out right now that you can't stand? I haven’t heard any new music recently. I haven’t been listening to music lately. If you could stay one age forever, what age would you pick? I’d be fine if I just stayed 31 here on out. What's your favorite state? I like my state the best out of the few states I’ve been to (the others being Arizona, Idaho, and Georgia). There’s a few I’d like to visit that could potentially take the top spot for me, though. Have you ever went in public with your tag still on your clothes? I don’t think so.

Would you say your loud or shy? I’m quiet and shy. What's your favorite symbol on the computer? I don’t have one. Are you afraid of clowns? Pennywise is awesome. Do you wear glasses? I do. Ever rode on a horse? Just on one at the pumpkin patch as a kid. Poor horse, guided around in a circle all day.  Do you have trouble saying or spelling some words? I think I spell pretty well. I stumble over my words when I talk sometimes, but I think my pronunciation is pretty good. Have you ever thought something was just to good to be true? Many times. And when I think that, it’s usually true. Do you like potatoes? I love potatoes.

“I’m in trouble, I’m an addict, I’m addicted to this girl”

Are you random? My thoughts and dreams are really random, but I wouldn’t describe myself that way. I’d say I’m predictable and boring. Do you believe that aliens are real? I don’t know. Certainly not the weird looking green creatures that are usually depicted for some reason. Do you sleep with the TV on? I do. I’ve done that ever since I was a kid. What's the longest you've slept in? Like 5PM or so. Have you ever seen a hairy toe? Yes. What's the last thing you watched on TV? Roseanne this morning. Do you have a song stuck in your head? Not at the moment. Who do you talk to the most? My mom and brother. What's the first thing you get on when the internet comes up? When the internet comes up oh man, was this made in the late 90s, early 2000s? lol. The first thing I do when I get on my laptop is continue scrolling through my Tumblr feed or do a survey. When's the last time you were sick? I’ve been sick with something for the past week. And no, it’s not the rona.

Which is your favorite: Music, Dogs, Shoes, Books, Jonas Brother? I love a variety of music, I love doggos in general, but I’m biased towards Labs and German Shepherds, Adidas are my favorite shoes, and back in my die hard Jonas Brothers days I was a total Joe girl. What color is your hair brush? Rose gold. Do you enjoy arcades? I did when I was a kid. We used to have one at my mall back when I was a kid that was a fun place to go. And Chuck E Cheese, ha. Have you ever liked 2 people at once? Yes. Have you taken a nap today? Not so far.

“show me the meaning of being lonely”

Would you ever want to be in a horror movie? I think it’d certainly come off as believable because I’m such a scardy cat and super jumpy. Being chased would genuinely scare me even it was acting. Even knowing what was going to happen I know I’d still be jumpy. Only thing is I don’t have the scream down that you gotta have for a horror movie.  Have you ever been to Washington D.C? Nope. Do you hate when girls have guyish names and boys have girly names? I really don’t care.  Have you lost or gained any weight since February? I know I haven’t gained any weight. I’ve probably lost some weight, which is really not good for someone who’s already underweight.  Have you ever felt like no one wanted to be around you? Yes. I don’t even want to be around me. I often feel like I’m such a burden and annoyance. It’s my own thinking and feeling, though. My family doesn’t do or say anything to make me feel that way. I have had other people make me feel that way, though.   Have you ever had to use a pay phone? Yes. Have you listened to music today? Nope. It’s been awhile since I’ve listened to music, actually. Do you only drink bottled water? Yes. Don’t judge me. I bet someone is on your mind right now, right? No, actually. Do you like writing in pen or pencil better? Pen, definitely. What's the last magazine you bought? I don’t even remember it’s been so long. Has anyone in your family ever forgot your birthday? My parents, brother, and close family members always remember. Was it any of your friends birthday in the past week? My older brother’s birthday was a couple days ago. Is anyone else in the same room as you? Nope. Are you one of the popular people in your grade? I’m done with school, but no I was never popular.

“you never call me when you’re sober”

What word best describes you in the dictonary? ”Depressed”, “Awkward”, “Lame”, “Loser”, “Ugly”... Do you like Soy Milk? Yeah, I’m lactose intolerant. I use that or almond milk. I don’t drink any kind of milk by itself, but I use those in stuff like coffee drinks and cereal. And for dunking my cookies and brownies in. Where were you at 10:30am yesterday? Right here in bed where I spent all weekend. I was having a really rough weekend. I felt really shitty and had zero energy. I couldn’t even drag myself outta bed for coffee, so that’s how you know I was feeling really bad. Thankfully, my mom and brother brought me a Starbucks. Do you think ghosts are real? I believe in spirits, but not actual Caspers. Do you know anyone who has been attacked by a shark? No. What is your best friend's mom name? Lupe. Have you ever made out in a movie theatre? No. What part of your body do you wash first? My arms and work my way down. Do you have an innie or an outie? Innie. How do you think the dinosaurs died? An asteroid. What's your favorite flavor of Pringles? Sour cream and onion, cheddar and sour cream, pizza, and ranch.  What was the last thing you got grounded for? Something when I was like 12. Did you go to a water park last summer? I don’t go to the water park ever. What shoe do you put on first? I think the right. Finish the sentence: Girls.. Just wanna have fun.

“I think we’re alone now”

Have you ever had a song or poem written about you? No. Did you have a nickname growing up? My family called my Noodles, ha. When was the last time you played the air guitar? I don’t know. Have you ever biten your toenail? Ew, no. I’m not flexible enough to even do that, but I would never want to so it’s fine. Have you ever been dared to do something that you regretted? No. I didn’t do dares. Favorite website? Tumblr and YouTube. Worst thing that has ever happened to you? Probably the incident that made me a paraplegic at 7 months old. That’s certainly top of the list. Best thing that has happened to you? My doggos are definitely amongst the top. Best friend? My mom. If you could dye your hair any color, what color would it be? I dye it red and would like to continue to do so. Do you have a wii? It’s my brother’s, but since we live in the same house and I’ve used it, too, I’m gonna say yes.  Most used phrase on IM? I don’t remember, it’s been over a decade since I’ve used IM. Have you ever heard of The Beatles? Of course. Have you ever wanted to give money to a charity? Yes, and I have given to charities.

“Who says you’re not beautiful?”

Would you ever want to have 14 kids? Uh, noooo. I don’t even want one.  Are you wearing any bracelets right now? Nope. Do you have any jewelry that once belonged to an old family member? No. Do you dream every night? I usually do. Give me on of your goals Just taking it day by day. Do you like skinny jeans? Yeah, those are the only jeans I have. Do you ever say stuff that you don’t mean? It happens. Have you ever said "I love you" and not meant it? Yeah, but that was back when I was 16 and felt pressured into saying it back to my boyfriend at the time even though I didn’t have those feelings. Ever since then I haven’t thrown those words around lightly. What is your dream guy/girl? A patient, understanding, caring, loving, trustworthy, good sense of humor kind of guy. Do you hate when people overract? I can definitely be one of those people that overreact. And I know I’m overreacting when it’s happening, but I can’t help myself. I sometimes see people in situations where I’m like, ‘omg, they’re totally overreacting’ and think it could be handled differently, but yet I do the same thing. When was the last time you used the oven? It’s been awhile, actually... I don’t remember. Have you ever wanted to be free like a bird? ”And I’m as free as a bird now... and this bird you cannot change.” Are you a worrier? Oh am I ever. Does your house have an attic? Nope. Are you going fishing this weekend? No. I don’t go fishing.

[indomitablemegnolia]

I have been dragging this coffin around, like Django, for a while now, and for some reason American politics has to just keep poking at a seeping infected wound; as a psychologist I know that the best way to deal with certain emotions and PTSD is to talk it out, if you can talk past the ragged breaths.  Now I am not much of a talker but I do write; I was thinking that maybe letting this out into the world might help someone or perhaps not fatally wound them by reading. I just know I have been  keeping all of this way too close for way too long. I am going to try to do this so those who don’t want to know can avoid. I do add a bit of fantasy into it as my own default coping mechanism; so it is not just a barrage of horror. There are triggers... physical pain, blood, rape, and political triggers...this is me screaming into the void. If anyone reads this, I would hope that I could inspire a kind word.

Good god, what fresh hell is this? I swear that sometimes I have to just kick this evil darkness, beat it back, strike out with every weapon I have until it bleeds sunlight; oh, and when that first drop of sun falls I have to keep fighting until I am bathed in that healing glow, smearing it over my face, rubbing it in to my soul; reveling in the warmth of the end of a battle well fought and valiantly one worth the effort.  This is always a rough two weeks for me every year for well 19 years now… the tenth falls and it seems some note really minor catastrophe befalls me; there has not been a skip year, a stand out or a delayed year; I will not whine about the past, but for the past three years it has been a political horror show on top of the menial financial, health, or personal failing; I focus on the possible and look up, which usually lands me down a manhole but I can’t change my stripes. In these last three years the shit-show of a congress (and congress is both houses equally guilty) put on these shows of caring and disdain, evil in its fake almost after thought of un-electability. Kavanaugh sent me into a bottomless tailspin; something about a Judge rapist being put on the highest court in the land on the anniversary of my own…attack; not that I think it sits any better in the pit of my stomach any other time of the year, but now… again… and I just can’t breathe, they had made my life all of the things I still struggle to live through… a joke, a pawn, something to leverage each other with… I am sick; politics making life, again, not worth living; nothing mattered, the truth did not matter, their ignorance, their lies did not matter. I find myself feeling rather Wilde; I was left feeling, broken, forgotten, as if I do not belong anywhere; there was nothing to lose myself in and no escape even if there were.

This country, this world, has become such a small, terrible place; I cheat, and I excuse myself, as I escape only by avoiding reality, I love the world that I create; but once there was a moment, out of time, such a terribly long time ago that I bring the memory to life often; for a time I had sunshine, and flowers, mud under my nails and rich coffee and I apologized to no one for who and how and what I am; I live with no thought regularly to why I should not be here and who I should be; yes, I do know that eventually I will die here, being banished to that other world where indeed I know because of the impermanence of life it will be as if I never did exist; every broken molecule of me will parish, every inch, every thought, but one. That molecule, that inch, that thought, its small, its infinitesimal, its worthless if you asked most, but in this world of whit and worry it is the only thing worth having; it is worth all the worlds in all the universes.  I cannot lose it; I can not barter it or sell it and above it all it should never be given away. This world must get better, it must stop getting lost in all the things that are not real, such as money, race, all the false differences we draw between us; there is only one true thing about this world, there is no escape, so make your difference here and now.  I must tell you, now that you see me, you know part of my life, my story and because of that I hope you understand that I Love you.  I love you, despite never knowing your story, we may never meet, never laugh or cry together and I will never kiss or hug you, but I love you as dearly as my universe, as closely as a flesh and blood friend.

I love you.

It has been so many years, I hardly talk about it, but I warn you now this gets a bit graphic, but it is my story; this story is not being told for anyone else's campaign; it is not a #metoo. This is me taking a psychological victory, screaming my pain into this void like echo chamber; I know no one may hear me, and that is fine. This is one of Dante's hells I live in, wrapped deliciously in my favourite personal coping mechanism a piece of detached fiction that reads like a conversation between my super ego and my Id....

I sought freedom, the only freedom to be had in this world, music loud, the delicious truth of life’s simplicity; music is a true elixir, ideally it should be listened to at 60-80 decibels and 70 mph; everything can be made right if you just put the music on and the top down, drive 85 mph on a country road, as if you are trying to out run time itself. The sun low in the western sky; fat fluffy gray clouds float lazily over a layer of black, brooding, formidable clouds rolling in like the undaunting wall of night, mocking the artificial azure sky that lays at the last eighth of the sky, about to be swallowed up. Music playing too loud, I sang atonally along; the cool breeze of autumn playfully ruffled my hair as if I resided in a third visible universe in one place unattached to the storm or the artificial sunny day.  The little silver dream I drove was cutting through the country side; coming up on a slower moving rusted out pick-up truck I worked the gearshift, not laying off the gas, dropping to fourth to pass, galloping ahead hard and fast, leaving the truck behind.

Suddenly, for the first time in ages the world almost made sense, err, I suppose it is awkward saying that because the sense it made was tenuous and momentary at best. Escape possible only by way of ignoring the horrors; after a week like the last, a little sensical nonsense was called for.  I had to get away, I had to distance myself from the news and the bluster, the horrible reality; the reminders that weighed my heart, slammed my soul, obliterated my psyche; in my home, my home, the country I love, whose founding documents read of words like truth and justice; a vicious criminal is appointed to the highest court in the land; a man accused of raping three women; a charge that not so long ago would have precluded his admission; but that was then and this is now, basically more of a wild west, kangaroo, dumb-fuckery idea of conscience; we are now a people who allow the separation of children from parents, to be kept in cages. Now, because of this stupidity, people treating justice like a partisan football; horrible happenings from my past are brought front and center of my subconscious every night as I sleep. Yes, I have read books and listened to tapes as to how to guide dreams, none have prevailed.

Letting my mind wander, it was dangerous; and yes, it circled back to last night’s bout with Fate, Christ, she hit me hard and fast; for a figment of my imagination she really left me bruised, broken, bloody; I can still taste the sickly copper iron flavor of blood in my mouth, my soul limping.  First. she took me on a trek into the past; tiny, horrible, years ago; Jesus, I realize, if this nightmare I carry heavy in my mind were a child it would be graduating high school; oh god, the thought, the kind that should never be thought; after, I was sentenced to a more vile prison, to a sentence more than double theirs, I see no possibility of parole from this place. I feel as if I were slowly being eaten alive; Fate, she held my face to the fire, she made me watch and relive it, over and over and over again.  

I despise the fact something as delicious as this breeze can trigger panic, terror, horror; this feeling was, twice upon a time, in the valley of faded fears, my favourite season, now it sits heavy on me, like a box of babies tears. Though now, it is that recurring nightmare, I try to break free, but as he said in The Godfather ‘every time I think I am out, it drags me back in.’ I feel so pathetic, seriously, I earned my PhD in psychology, trying to outfit myself with all the tools; I should have been able to drown this demon long ago, but alas, I find the zombie bastard can swim; argh, and yes, I know that isn’t possible, no one can fight off all the memories, it's impossible to erase events, for anyone, most especially me.

Out of the blue it seems, a wonderful friend, a friend one which I didn’t know I still had; sadly I assume that I am always left behind, but she sent me in a tailspin of introspection; she asked me simply, 'are you okay?' A real flesh and blood human asked me, she noticed, she pointed out that I am not acting like myself; I have been tearing myself down, doubting the simplest things, I have even, in an odd way, seeking her approval; asking permission to hang my own pieces on my wall, my usual 'it's easier to ask forgiveness, than seek permission', attitude gone.  

Gods, she is right, I know she is right; I am acting weird, different, calling myself stupid, pathetic, worthless; at first it started just stupid, small, subtle... most people bought that I was fine, they never saw it... I think. Anyways, they never called me on it. This friend, this good friend called me on it; I wrote a piece out of my usual character, at first, I loved it; then the next day in a mercurial hissy fit, I ripped into it, then in another flip I apologized for it, I am acting like a kid caught lying, obvious, blatant, guilty. This friend, ah, this beautiful friend called me on all my shit; like that guilty child, my psyche tried to hide it, then I stopped, I looked, really, I am. Then this introspection brought me to the realization that at times, not always, very rarely, I get weird, almost puritanical about sex. Usually I have a very laissez faire attitude; bi, straight, whatever flavour of the lgbtq or any other spectrum, if you get off on it, if you like it, then it's beautiful; there are people I love on all levels of depravity. It may even seem to them that I am a touch prudish because I do not partake, that is fine. Because this friend, this wonderful friend, shined a light, I could again see the bruises fate had left.

Fate had asked me, "so, if it is all good, what gets you off?" With that I was lost, nothing; everything; how was I to know? Of known experiences I have rape (not awesome) and a failed relationship (asshole never understood a thing I said, then tried to recreate experience #1); yup, two times lose on those. I know what I need, no desire, no require; with all the horrible mediocrity in this world that we seem to accept as fair sacrifice, I will not let love be among those. I want epic love, mad, passionate, crazy, undying, span the universes kind of love; anything less will be a poor substitute, meaning I can not, I will not let her take that from me; this is just one of those turns where nothing goes well. She shook me, and god, I had let Fate affect me.

The moment she reared her ugly head was pain. I was lost in a soft dream of sweet remembered soft kisses. Suddenly, a hit to my face, my eye starting to swell; a doubled fist to the gut, air rushed out in a horrible half scream.  A hand wrapped in my hair slamming my head into a stony ground, again, that horrible haunting memory.  Her voice chilling in a predatory growl, she wanted blood. She taunted me, "I KNOW what you wrote, hmmm, I know what you enjoyed, I told you; you can admit it, just to me, no one else is listening;" She ground her hips into mine from behind, "I know that you liked it, you loved it; I wonder, did you reach orgasm? Was it earth shattering? Did you moan like a whore?"  Fate, that horrible bitch, licked up from my jaw to my temple, I stopped the urge to vomit, I felt my hate multiply, but in seconds I felt a turn inward, "You know that the hecklers are still right;" she raked her pelvis suggestively against me, three more thrusts.

"No, but it seems to get you off, dry humping me; hmm is the bitch in heat? So ya like my ass? I have been working out." She slammed my face down into the stone.

I let a painful groan escape, "You like the rough trade."

"Oh yeah," I ground out lifting my head turning to face her, "about as much as I like you."

She laughed cruelly, standing slamming her foot into my kidney. “Look at you, still so pathetic, still that laughing clown punching bag, you are always such fun; there is a lot to be said about consistency," slamming her boot into my jaw.  "If it was not the roughness, the pain, was it the team effort? Now, remind me how many was it that you liked? Four or five? How many holes were the putting it into?" She ground her heel onto my palm, I try to stop the noise, a near scream, "how many holes?"  

I smiled showing my blood outlined teeth, "This many." I held aloft a single middle finger.

Fate came to torture my soul time and again, with unlimited creativity; it has happened more than a few times in recent days; using more taunts, planting more doubts, inflicting more pain; cracking open my soul leaving it weeping and bereft. The more it happened the more I began to believe that she was right; yes, maybe I really enjoyed it; then I didn’t take the moment needed to breathe before I reacted this time out of emotion, gut check. She was right, they were all right; it was all I deserved; I asked for it, I had enjoyed it. Though that moment of introspection given to me by a gorgeous friend, gave me time to recognize this is actually an extreme rendition, interrogation tactic, the kind used in interviews at Gitmo; some good interrogators can even implant false memories, causing false confessions.

I woke from the nightmare; I gathered my own thoughts.  I had to run; I had to hide. I hated; I hated the world and all the people in it, I hated myself and most of all I hated all this wasted time. If I had known Life before would I blame him, hate him… yes, right now, in fact I do.

I drove faster, not even slowing at bends in the road; why was I running? What good could it do? I know can not escape when the horror is inside my own skull. The green leaves starting to turn gold, some starting to age red at the edges. I whisked through the countryside, far too fast; it was liberating. God, this is my favourite season; there is something so sultry and libidinous about fall; I let go of the wheel, raising my arms joyous in the air. The feeling, the smell, the look, it seems to get my heart racing and my mind reeling; in pure celebration of the seasons change, the bite to the wind and the trill of cinnamon to the air, senses that are so much Life, oh me, oh my, oh my favorite things. Dark chocolate, eaten slowly, savored and enjoyed; passionate literature read in a hot bath tub that requires an entry like bugs bunny getting into the boiling cauldron; music, so many lovely perfect kinds of music, hard hitting, rampaging, soothing and truly sensual all appreciated savored and enjoyed… Please, Life... I need you.  Why don't you come? I call to you, I miss you.

Before even fate showed the aphasia really affected my self-confidence; I no longer had my words, I constantly sounded either stupid or drunk or both, that had shaken me to my core; with both of those, it changed my own reactions. Then America, my home, is not helping, the president mocking a rape survivor, his little toadies backing him up. It just tore a hole in my psyche, in my soul, letting all these demons back. This is not me really... but what is me?

For me, after the attack, the police, they never doubted; the bruised and bloody the evidence abounded, they had no trouble even finding the culprits, but the faculty, the students... not so kind... I heard the whispers, they never looked at me, not the real me, I was just a disregarded scrap.

My lips hurt, they were cracked in two places, my ribs were bruised, all making me wonder if Fate was more than just my horrible subconscious. More than the conscience that makes a coward of me; makes me want to run for the shelter of a strong set of arms.  My foot slacks off the gas pedal; I was losing my will to run, I realized that I was not able to run from this kind of mountain.

"Why can't you hear me?!” I yelled at the building clouds so hard my throat ached; they were heavy with rain. I saw the edges of refracted rainbows as they slid slowly in front of the sun.

Soft, so close to my ear, I felt the breath of Life. "But I did."

I swerved, nearly off the road, I screamed, slamming in the clutch not touching the brake, cutting the wheel sharply, putting the car into a full 360 spin, it almost came to a rest.  "Jiminy Cripcity Roosevelt Christmas, man. You could have just killed me." I collected my galloping heart, letting the clutch out in 3rd gear screeching off the tires. He laughed, his words sunk in slowly, I understood his words and they angered me, I slid the gearshift into 4th, without the clutch; "Yeah, right, you heard me, sure.  So, what you are saying that as usual when the world begins using me for a toilet brush, I am on my own; lemme guess, all for character building I am sure. Just go, I do not need you anymore.  Just get out." I leaned into the gas, not caring the speed, anger making my eyes begin to run.

"What the hell was that?" He reached his hand over, gripping mine, "wound a little tight their honey; let’s get you relaxed” he started rubbing the inside of my wrist, my breathing slowed. "I wish, with every ounce of power I have, I wish I could have come when I heard your cries, they caused an ache in me so cutting so horrible, I cried. I don't know how I heard you or how I am here now."

"Yeah, yeah, sure." I jeered my hand waving him away. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, his expression was so hurt, “God, I shouldn't have mocked... I’m just angry, but not at you,” I took a long breath, “I am sorry" I whispered, easing off the gas.

"Then just stop, pull off the road, talk to me."

I sighed seeking that cognitive reset.  "Okay." There was a wooded turn out just ahead.  I pulled the car over, stalling out, killing the engine. I rolled my eyes internally; it has been ages since I stalled out.  I swiped the little tears away. "So, what? What is it that you want?" My jaw set. "What?"

He sighed, seeing this was going to be an uphill battle; he reached for my hand bringing the palm to his lips; instantly my jaw slacked, and air rushed from my lips, "I missed you." He kissed the tender pad of my palm. "I know you have been in pain. Tell me what caused it; tell me haunts you." His fingers still softly drawing hypnotic circles on my wrist.

"Ah, pain, but where to start? We could do a chronological study into the beginning of pain; it might take a while."  I try to sound unbothered.

"Where this pain, your pain, the one that has had you screaming, where that pain started." His face so beautifully earnest, and there is an importance to being earnest.  “Please…” he breathed

"Words, it always begins with words, then those sticks and stones; they come hard."

He let one hitched chuckle out, "Wow, what a cop out." He dared.

I breathed again, then let it out slow, "Dammit really?” he nodded, “shit, with this whole 'legitimizing rape' floating around, taking even the one recourse for a victim of said crime has if it takes an unlucky turn. They have the audacity to mock and berate a survivor of a crime, I have seen them, mock hurricane victims, the disabled, they come just shy of saying that they want all of us defectives to die they put a rapist on the high court, now this monstrosity that will end my only piece of mind. My…" he held up his hand.

Clicking of his tongue stopped me. "No, not what I asked for Joan of arc, I was asking for the story, for this pain I see in your eyes, not a history of the worlds ills. I want your story."

"Eg, yeah, but that’s not important, it's really not even worth telling."

"Just stop; stop with the bullshit, stop deflecting; I want to hear your story, please, just tell me the goddamned story.” He gritted his teeth, “sorry, but I hate when you make light of yourself; you are making fun of my favourite person in the world, I am sorry just, please, just tell me."

"Cheese and crackers man, it is a horrid little pathetic thing. But fine." I take a breath, “Shit, my story…" I could not form the words. "hey, what’s better I could just tell you the tale of the little engine that should have known better, but still did it anyway.”

"No," he watched me closely, not letting his impatience show "I want to know your story, your pain, please."

"Shit, shit, shit, OK, shit... dammit," I hit the steering wheel, I pressed my forehead into the hard surface of the wheel, "but don't say I didn't warn ya. Shit” minutes passed, I said nothing.

He reached over holding my shoulders, "Honey, nothing that would make you too nervous to say, could be a waste of time, you are that fearless girl that never holds her tongue. Trust me, I think I can help." His thumb rubbed tenderly.

"I am neither fearless, nor am I a girl; I am a right old horrible spinster," I huffed, I fiddled with my fingers. I looked in his eyes; “I am" I stopped gathering my thoughts; "I don’t think you will like this as well as you think; I know what will happen after its all out, so, I must preface with a goodbye, you have been lovely. I know your opinion of me will slip; you won't want to know me after I finish, so thank you." He looked doubtful, but I knew, gods, I will miss him. "Before I start, I want to say, even if it means nothing to you, if no one ever tells you, I love you." A tear streaked from my eye, "What am I? Nothing," he shook his head vigorously, "look at me, I know most don’t think much of me, red round cheeks and usually a smile, no makeup and holes in my jeans; I have been told many, many, times after having conversations with people that my Naivety was endearing, but if I had ever encountered the real world my outlook would become as jaded as theirs. I may act like I have encountered nothing but sweetness and light in a noodle salad life, but that is far from the truth. I believe that you can encounter the worst that life has to offer and choose your reaction to it. You can stop believing in the world around you or you can continue to believe in kindness, understanding, and trust. Some say it is just denial, burying my head in the sand that allows me think that life is still what we make it… I Laugh and Laugh… If they knew what this girl, well, shit, here you go. Enough wasting time, I will get down to it. It's a shit story..." I wiped my hands down my face, the a swipe under my nose with the bad of my hand, then on my thighs, "shit," I sighed out, “Too many years ago it was a bright sunny day; a warm fall morning with a light breeze. I was worried about a calculus test; the biggest thing on my mind were cos A and sin B. I was on the phone ironing out a scheduling problem; I was talking to my internship mentor on the first cell phone in my family, dad got it for my safety because of my commute 90 miles to school. Jabbering on about what, I don’t even remember, I reached into the back seat for my bag. Sighing and hanging up the phone, preparing for the day ahead, or so I thought." I took a steadying breath, I had evaded long enough; I couldn’t meet his gaze, I just stared straight ahead out the windshield. "Suddenly, horribly brutality was introduced into my life; the surprise really isn’t as horrible as the feeling of helplessness; I was still bent closing the door with my hip I started to heft my book bag; my head caved in the rear door of my car; you should have seen it, truly impressive the damage a cranium can do." I remain in this protective tone, details curtailed "I was knocked out cold; I slowly came out of my haze I felt pain, searing horrible pain, but not my head, I heard ripping material;  I smelled blood my blood; flying back to reality and I know what is happening, the animal grunting and horrible rhythm; pain, it’s between my legs; no one had ever been there before;" I heard Life take a savage breath, it was nice to know someone cared, even if it was just for show.  I wiped the dampness from my face again.

"They raped me, I did not count or really anything." I tried to laugh it off, "they beat me, pulled my hair, god, one stood one foot on my head so I couldn’t move and urinated on my face as that other one finished, they called me whore, and cum bucket, and worse; every part of my body was used and abused; I lost, my hands blindly flail, I try to kick. I was savaged by animals I use the term loosely. They ransacked my car as they took turns, seeing my viola in the trunk and to punish me for fighting they crushed my left hand, they kicked me, beat my head into the pavement repeatedly. When they had finished with me and my car, the cruelest one of them, pulled the scarf wrapped around my neck and strangled me, they murdered me, and I do have to say part of me did die. As they did they laughed, god, they laughed, horrible laughs, they creep into my conscious when anything goes awry. I lost consciousness, I guess they assumed I died, I woke, I don’t know how much time passed, but I woke in a pool of blood and …err other, I got in my car and drove to the security station on the bottom level… yeah." I shook. He rubbed my hand; I pulled away quickly, I could have spit on him, but it was not him the anger belonged to. "What is madness but nobility of soul, at odds with circumstance?"  

"My god, I was expecting bad, but my… my heart, it is broken” ready to face the loss of him, I turned, I watched his face as the light died in the low, dark, rain swollen clouds; a delicate falling rain drank in the dusk; it felt like it swallowed my misery whole and for that I was grateful; shrouded in silence, the branches of the trees above wrapped me in their stoic peace. Shadows fell across us the boundaries lost their edges, as the borders were erased, once again the wonder if I had ever really existed. His presence was always so elegantly reassuring, and still I had to remind myself it was not him I was so mad at.

"Yeah, so, how was that for a hard luck story? The first time I have told anyone since I left the police station. Not exactly Disney Channel friendly, but I am waiting to hear back from lifetime." I laughed; the sound was hollow.  "Peachy side, I didn't end up knocked up or diseased; so, maybe the universe heard that plea."  I sniffed, my frustration returning.  He trailed his hand lightly down my damp cheek.  I flinched away, shy, stupid, embarrassed, "pretty pathetic, huh?"

He shook his head. "Shh, stop that please, you don’t have to mock yourself in that Cyrano de Bergerac style you always use; you are not beating me to a punch line, I was never going for one” he ran his hands over his face, “did you not hear your story? My heart is broken." I tried to look away; his gentle hands coaxed my gaze back.  "I heard a story of survival, those monsters tried to end you; here you are, fight intact, undaunted, truly indomitable, the rest just damaged facia."

I looked in his eyes, "Fate has been taunting, mocking me, whispering that I liked the assault,” I stopped, hesitating, “that has me doubting everything."

His face skeptical, eyebrow raised, "And you believe those taunts?" He shook his regal head.

Temper sparked, "kind of,” I stopped, feeling stupid, I bristled, “I do, okay. So what?"

"Why?" He cajoled. "Really, tell me why; the whole truth answer." He sat back like Cesar at the gladiator games, "hold nothing back, I can take it."

Apparently, he was satisfied that I was soundly kicking my own ass. "I wrote out, an imaginary tryst, you and I, we were on a boat, it was just delicious, an escape, there was a touch of rough to it... some of the details were... similar to... that." my voice stopped working.  "I liked it a lot, but then I got overwhelmed, confused; how can I like that, without liking the other.  The reality of that implication," I sniffed, fluttering my hands; that horrible weird guilt weighing my soul, I knew it was just my own psyche, but it was horrendously irresistible; I stopped I gave up; "shit, now you know; you know… everything why I am so deplorable... grotesque... disgusting." I rolled my eyes closed, I concentrated on my breathing, minutes clicked by finally I opened them, expecting that he had blew away on the breeze.

I met his gaze, I saw no pity, no disgust; I saw him, just Life.   Confused, I searched further, still none.

"You are not. You know better than most that feelings can be deception; sex, isn't just soft, isn't just rough, it is never one flavour; it is the connection, the intention." He ran his hands through my hair. Pressing it back behind my ear the way I like it.  "Honey, there is no equation between your rape and having a touch of rough in a fantasy. It does not mean you liked being helpless, beaten, or broken, the intention there was viciousness; there was no connection there, no trust" he sighed.

I gave a derisive chuckle, "right."

He dropped my hand, pulling away, gaining my full attention. "You apparently have made up your mind not just for you but also what I would think; you really must be magic; I think you would be surprised by what I think.”

I let a derisive chuckle out, “Sure because you are some kind of paragon.”

“I wouldn’t say paragon, but I heard every word you said. It made me so mad that you would think that way about you.”  I rolled my eyes.  He growled, and good god something in me was listening, something found the sound so delicious that it made me tingle; I scanned his eyes, there was still softness there. “Honey, look, I heard a story of an invasion, a horrible, massive invasion. I don't care if you were splayed naked on a table saying, 'come and get it big boy, give it to me hard,'” I let a snerk of laughter out at the idea. “if it was not the specific person you were talking to; that was an invasion. You cannot discount a rougher, needy kind of love making; accepting carnal love rougher more animal in its display requires trust in the intention of the other party, it is not simply the actions; Accepting love rougher, that act of trust is never more shameful or dirtier; it is a communication telling the other party, I trust you to be just this much, but no more; the instant you voice a dislike and it continues it becomes the other; it’s all up to you, whatever is pleasing to you, only you. There is no right, there is no wrong, no disgusting or dirty; sex is all about the feeling, expressing.” I understood what he was trying to say, but I really didn’t want to hear it, I knew he was trying to placate me, I tried to ignore him; “Don't be like a velvet glove cast in iron, dealing only in absolutes." I had to look away, “love is love, is love, is love, and it all matters” the storm gaining strength, he released the top and pulled it up; kissing the top of my head as he passed. "Sweeting, the space between absolutes..." he sighed, "remember, you said that is where you had chosen to live, you were right, it is the place where life happens." He ran his hands through his hair; his frustration evident, then a light hit his eyes; "I would really like to read this fantasy, curiosity leads me to wonder," he chuckled, "I just wonder if it would match up to any of mine." I shot him a skeptical look. “oh, honey; I have had so many fantasies since the first time you appeared.”

I had no words to say, I just sat watching him, waiting for the change.

He sat, looking at me, the storm began to rage, much like the maelstrom that had been inside me for so long; I pulled the piece up on my phone handing it to him. We were more than damp, I noticed I had been shivering; for how long, no one knows. I sat watching the storm split the sky; I started the car, flipping a bitch, starting back in the opposite direction; he was deeply ensconced in my words, he reached over with out looking up, turning on the heat, directing the vents at me.  

I shot him a look, just a glance; but what I saw. God, the power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that I had never believed in its power; no one now dares to say that two beings have fallen in love because they looked at each other. Yet, an unguarded look can tell you so much, love, despise, languor and fear; tenderly in his exquisite look, I saw the most gorgeous thing, understanding; an acceptance.  I was astonished, I was bewildered, dizzy, in a daze; I still did not understand, I began wondering what universe he was from... My stomach panged, rumbling as loud as the storm, I ignored it.

"Hey, can you pull in up there, you need something to eat." There was a neon sign in the distance, that advertised barbeque, I was surprise he could even see if as he didn’t look up from my words. I pulled in, reading the sign that promised barbecue and drinks, after all it was Texas, a bourbon sounded just right. I pulled in and parked; I was a numbed, near depressed but electrified, dumbfounded, impressed and slightly aroused; all the roiling emotions had my jaw clenched, I was disassociated, separated, on autopilot. My feet moving me through the rain, but I was a cloud of confused emotion; a stranger in a strange land; emotion was not my wheelhouse. Wandering idly toward the door; passing the columns, he gripped my shoulders almost punishingly. He spun me to face him, his face dark and serious, I began shivering, he pressed me to the wall. His face serious, but the passion burned; again, that growl, it hit the bottom of my stomach, warming, making my legs shake; he kissed me, suddenly, deeply, no warmup, no cuddling into my lips just immediately lips and tongue.  Tucking his knee between my legs pressing hard, soft mewling left my throat caught in his mouth.  He pinned my arms to my sides I tried to touch him, but he wouldn’t yield, he wanted to kiss me, his way; and yes, I liked it, he ran his tongue along the roof of my mouth, I moaned softly into his mouth, rocking gingerly against his knee; the visceral feeling. He started to deepen the kiss even more, his knee caressing, moving with intention. A quiet shudder rocked me.  He sucked in a deep controlling breath, resting his forehead against mine, staring deeply into my eyes; I shook like a leaf as we parted. Shaking I clung to his shoulders.

"Now, kitten, did you feel my intention, to bring you pleasure?" I nodded, "was there pleasure?" I bit my lip, a small smile creeped, I nodded. "You know, the fact that you know the horrible purity of absolute, pure despair; doesn’t mean that is all there is in this universe." He kissed me again, faintly. He passed his fingertips over my skin, almost without touching an experience that neither of us had expected or experienced before, the miracle of feeling myself in another body, "Now, did you feel that?"

"Yes," I whispered, I was shadow pinned against a sweating wall; needing more, my soul pleading for more, but I was frozen; "Oh there was a moment there; oh me, oh my; as you began a whisper of that kiss; clearer than any whispered words; god there was something there that makes it all worthwhile; that was the edge, hmm, the edge is what I have; truth of this fiction, it's the edge of flavour that makes the difference.” I giggled, “there was a time when I would speak words that made sense." I giggled.

"Yes. But what truth is there in sense?" He laced my fingers with his and pulled me after him; we walked in me confused actually wanting to go back to being pinned to that wall, we walked in.  The waitress took us to a booth; I slid in first, I gasped in surprise as he slid in next to me on the same bench. He ordered me a bourbon and an order of fries; I sat there blinking, he then turns me to face him, he leans in close whispering deep and low; his breath warm on my neck, "When we are young we felt we are invincible; as we age we find ourselves, second guessing, always thinking twice." As he spoke, he planted little kisses on my neck; “I am done with that, I thought I was done paying my dues, same for you; now, I find that I have something I do not want to lose. The day you came into my life I changed again, fear still there, but also a cacophony of joy, both at odds, now every day now is just a grateful roll of the dice." His hands skimmed over my arms as they draped around his neck, freely delicious. "I look at that, it is working; you are starting to hear me; I like you, feel powerless in the lonesome times, thinking to myself 'dear god what have I done?' But with you here..." biting the edge of my ear, "you can run baby, you can try to hide, but whatever comes it will find you. For us, there is now; yesterday is history, an hour from now, no one knows for sure; but baby right now it's just you and me and that kiss, it said a lot." He turned me to face him.

Our drinks and fries came and I took a long drought, I laughed cuddling close, I felt young, I felt alive, and I really had never felt that way, “Are we mad?" he looked wounded, "but the good madness, the change the world madness."

"I want to just hold you tight; right now, we can make this moment last; don't think about anything other than helping you forget about the past, for just a moment if needs be." His kissed me slow, long deep caresses with his tongue; I tried to match him, I was awkward at first, but he led me in a natural rhythmic motion.

I missed feeling him, tasting him, gods, it was like breathing. I kissed him with everything I had. "You know, your fantasy, it was gorgeous." He kissed me again, his hands cupping my cheeks, tilting my face for a new angle. He broke from my mouth kissing down my neck. "I have sailed a 20-foot catch; I have had some very similar thoughts, but I loved that very forward confident you that you wrote."

I fumbled with my hands trying to make him feel some of what I was. "Have you really imagined us together as well?"  My fingers sliding through his hair. He nodded, “I kind of assumed you were so out of my league."

He laughed, the sound rippled along my nerves; "oh, kitten, you have no idea who you actually are. Yes, I have, so many things I have fanaticized about."

I pulled away to see his eyes, they held no lie; "Even now?... after?"

He looked shocked, "Especially now." He said with conviction.

"Tell me one," I was breathless.

He held my had looking into my face, "Happily, but I would rather show you. I long to grab your hand and run to the motor inn across the parking lot, get a room." I looked out the window over his shoulder gnawing on my kiss swollen bottom lip.

"Mmm, story first," I stood firm.

"OK then, well, I suppose I could tell you about the one where you are the aggressor; holding me down using me as you will." He shook his head, "no, the one where I am the aggressor, holding you down? Kissing you slowly, teasing your nerves, dipping my fingers into you, feeling you shiver; nah, you don't look keen on that, eating chocolate ice cream off of your skin;” I really shivered, “maybe another time; I suppose, I could tell you about how I dreamt of kissing you, teasing you, then bend you over this table licking all the way up the back of you thigh and... no, no, not that one. Kitten, come here." He pulled my leg up so he could slide closer, fitting just between. "You have to use your imagination; I dream of laying you down, kissing you so hard, it takes your breath away; I want to make out with you like a teenager out passed curfew." He caressed my trembling bottom lip with his thumb. "I would get lost in your kisses; intoxicating, enticing, articulate, telling me exactly what you want, how you want it; using only the tip of your tongue you draft a treatise." He toyed with my hair idly, my eyelids began to sag half-mast; passion building in my body, "Wowzah, that scorching look in your eyes, so intent, you are so Wildely beautiful; why, oh why do you squash that want, fighting it like a foe, a weakness; please, just... let it free."

His hand began caressing my neck, I could not have stopped myself from rolling my head, so my neck was wide open for his lips. His tongue. "I love kissing your neck, licking, taking little bites, right here." His fingers wisping passed the place where neck meets shoulder, my bones melted; he smiled mischievously, shot me a naughty look wiggling get his brows. He slid his fingers along my neckline, his touch whisper soft; his voice low, rumbling, deep, "deliberately I descend along your succulent curves;" my body raising to meet his fingers, straining for attention. "I watch you arch your back, just like that; I can't take my time learning; your heaving breasts wanton for attention, nipples like diamonds," oh and they are, his two fingers caress along the crevice between my breasts. My breathing hitched, coming in soft pants, his eyes gorgeous reverent. "I reveal the state in which I see your nerves are in; rampaging, greedy, alive for just a whisper of a touch; oh, but I want more" he sunk in closer, enjoying the slight shake of my shoulders. His hot mouth kisses just behind my ear, his tongue licking along my skin; his lips playing with the cords in my neck as I let out a sighing moan, just a solitary note; his fingers toying with the area of my soft sweater, just over my the area of my nipple. "Your belly covered with barely visible downy hairs, soft, soft, so soft;" he slipped his fingers of his other hand up under the hem of my sweater, just above my waistband; his first hand dropping to my thigh, dipping between rubbing with soft curious fingers; the nail of his wide thumb, scraping along the seam between; "they are standing up because of the goose bumps I just made."  His fingers velvet soft over my skin, I try clamped my thighs together he keeps that from happening.  "Pushing passed the band of your jeans, I reach for what I crave the most." His second hand skimming a rougher scratching fingernail along the seam; his other fingers just trace along the skin along the edge of the bottom of my bra, his lips kissed along my neckline.  "I would make you moan," I squirmed, "I would form a symphony of your empassioned calls, all the delicious sounds of satisfaction; I will be ruthless in my intent, pleasure my only goal; releasing you from the past, my hope. I know you will want to run, to escape, but at the same time you will be wanting more;" he pulled back, "more; look at you, breathtaking, deliciously titillated. Your cheeks flushed, you lips slightly parted; eyes glossy, erotic, steamy, fervid, seductive, coaxing, shameless; saying every want your lips refuse." Pulling at the hem of my sweater, "I want to slip my hand under your panties, sliding my fingers across your damp skin.  God, I have wanted that for so long" His fingers ghost over my skin, reaching the edge of my satin bra; his lips crashed into mine, his kiss demanding, delicious, scalding; his hand enveloping my breast; his thumb rubbing delicately, I react honestly. I grabbed his wrist of his hand that was resting on my thigh, pulling his fingers to my mouth, sucking. The clench in my belly responding to his hand slipping under my bra. I pull away, gasping; I stand, dropping a ten on the table.

"Shit, I am sorry," his breath laboured, his face recalcitrant, "I pushed too far, too fast; I am sorry; so, where are we off to?" He looked disappointed, sad.

"Well, I decided, you are right," viciously, I let that hang in the air; “you should just show me.  Our direction, over there," I pointed out the window to the inn.

He looked like a child at Christmas, he grabbed my arm tossing me over his shoulder, I giggle and squeal, he moved quickly to the door. We were out and across the parking lot swiftly, he was running; the rain drenching us; he dropped me to my feet under the awning. "I'll be right back."

I watched him fill out the forms, pay the woman, and he bounded back.  "We will make, new experiences, giving you back all the power. Let’s roll." Pulling me over his shoulder again; I squealed, I laughed; he slapped my rump, I moaned.

And outside it was October Country . . . that country where it is late in the year and everyone is tired and waiting for that one good thing to break; country where the amber hills covered in fog, rivers are mist and ice; where noon shortly proceeds sundown, twilights linger, and mid-night’s stay; geese and dusks on their parade to the south; dilled carrots and jams are lined into cellars, sweaters, coats, jackets, are cycled to the front of closets, boots and gloves to the entry way, coffee and tea served hot and steamy with fresh cookies and it seems for a season everything faces away from the sun. October people, think October thoughts and wish that the Christmas stuff would remain hidden for another season, and passing nights, cool, bundled in warm socks and a large sweater walking or listening to the light rain on the tin roof hoping the winter doesn’t kill hope

[madlvvewrites]

/   *   starring   ;   @uphorics​​   .

the day had started off as every other, seemingly ordinary in comparison to sean’s usual weekday rituals. his family’s bookstore had yet again been bustling with customers, all yearning to fulfill their new year’s resolution of reading a book a week, but sean knew that at least half of them would fall off the wagon by february. however, he certainly wasn’t complaining about their business as he ventured to the bank with a hefty deposit weighing down his backpack. usually his mother brought the deposit in, but she had an appointment to get to so sean was left responsible for the day’s earnings, briskly walking down the street to the bank around the corner with his ball cap propped over his eyes to shield him from the glaring sun. he brought the deposit before, but carrying so much cash at once always made him uneasy so he approached the teller quickly, ready to get the weight off of his shoulders. “just dropping off the deposit for kent’s korner,” he announced as he reached into his backpack to pull the bag out. however, just as he was about to slide the money and his id over to the teller, he heard the bank doors behind him slam open. “everybody put your hands up!” a muffled voice shouted, causing sean to swing around wide-eyed. four large and burly men stood before him with black masks drawn over their features, piercing eyes staring out of the holes cut into them, and black clothes covering their body. but what they wore wasn’t what made sean freeze where he stood — large rifles and handguns were held by each of the men, raised and pointing throughout the bank. sean had only seen guns at the fun range his father used to take him to every now and then and had thought himself comfortable with them, but seeing one pointed directly at him changed that thought almost immediately. 

frozen in place, sean watched as two of the men approached one of the tellers and began demanding access to the bank’s vault. as they shouted, the other two men swung their guns around the bank. “civilians down on the ground! make a peep and you’ll regret it.” feeling the gaze of one of the men land upon him, sean immediately dropped down and pressed his back against the wooden counter behind him before watching as the men began slowly walking around the perimeter of the bank, eyeing each person cowering on the floor as their partners continued to shake their guns at the tellers who were shakily trying to open the vault. his phone suddenly felt like a heavy brick in the pocket of his jeans, but he knew he couldn’t risk it, he wasn’t that much of an idiot — if only he could say the same for the woman sitting across the bank from him who, once the armed man had his back turned to her, fumbled through her purse for her cell phone but only succeeded in dropping her keys with a loud clatter. the man immediately turned back to her and swiped the purse from her hands, cursing loudly. “you idiot!” he shouted and before sean could blink, the man had swung the purse against the woman’s head and she let out a yelp as she crumpled back against the wall. “hey!” the shout slipped past sean’s lips before he could even think, drawing the attention of the two men on patrol. “don’t touch her!” a lump immediately formed in his throat, but he couldn’t back down now — maybe if he distracted the men enough with his own stupidity, someone could dial 911. leaping to his feet, sean balled his fist and dug his nails into his palm as he glared at the men, whose lips curled into smiles as they approached him. “and what’re you gonna do about it, kid?” one of them taunted. sean could feel his muscles grow taut under his skin as he tensed. “just don’t touch her. take your fucking money and go, no one has to get hurt,” he responded. “oh, i’ll decide whether someone has to get hurt,” the man closest to him growled before leaping forward and plowing a fist into sean’s cheekbone before he could even blink. he could hear his kickboxing coach cursing him out for not being on guard — easier said than done when your opponent had a gun in his hand — and he fell back, his ball cap flying off with the force of the man’s punch. he could hear the other men shouting at their partner to calm down, but he didn’t seem to hear them as he shouted, “what’s wrong, pretty boy? did that hurt?” shaking off the shock of the punch, sean straightened up and braced himself for impact — but it never came. when he glanced up, he saw the man who’d punched him struggling in the grip of two of his partners. “oh come on, he’s just some dumb kid who doesn’t know any better, let me teach him a lesson,” the man growled at the others, but they had worried expressions on their features as they glanced between sean and the man struggling in their grip. “dude, calm the fuck down, it’s him. she gave clear orders,” one of them said, obviously trying to keep their tone hushed but the bank was quiet enough that sean could hear their words. she? he frowned in confusion, but his questions were soon answered the fourth man coming up behind his partners, two large black duffel bags weighing down each of his shoulders. “you lay another hand on that kid and vanessa will have your head, dumbass,” he barked before thrusting the duffel bags into the arms of sean’s attacker and turning his attention towards sean, who was frozen by his confusion and still seeing stars in his left eye. “you’ve already given him quite the shiner, but we’ll mark it down to sheer stupidity on both of your parts,” the man said with a laugh, stepping closer to sean, who began to stagger backwards but the man reached out to grab his arm and forcefully pull him forwards. “i’d keep your mouth shut about this, kid. just forget it even happened,” he warned him, the eyes that peered out of his black mask looking him up and down before his gaze froze on the deposit bag sean had somehow managed to keep a tight grip on. sean felt his gut twist as the man’s eyes creased with a smile sean couldn’t see. in the blink of an eye, the man snatched the bag from sean’s grip. “hey, you already got your money, fuck off,” he barked, his mind going to the bills piling up at home as he started towards the man who only shoved him backwards. “just because we can’t beat the shit out of you doesn’t mean you’re completely off limits — think of it as payment for sparing your stupid ass. now shut up and sit down or i’ll ignore my orders and give you another shiner to match the one my friend already gave you.” sean opened his mouth to snap back at the man, but something in his eyes tightened his throat and he fell back, reaching down to pick up his ball cap and fit it back on top of his head. obviously pleased with his decision, the man nodded and turned back to his partners. “alright, we’re out, boys, we take any longer and the boss will have our asses,” he ordered and the four disappeared out of the front door. seconds later, a black suv screeched past the front doors of the bank. almost immediately afterwards, several police sirens sounded in the distance but all sean could hear was the words of the large man repeating through his mind, “you lay another hand on that kid and vanessa will have your head.”

fast forward two hours .

with a shaky hand, sean threw his car into park after pulling up in front of the large home he used to know so well. climbing out of the car, he could feel his heart racing as memories began to fly through his mind — sneaking into vanessa’s bedroom window that overlooked the driveway he walked up, the movie nights in the living room he could see through the curtains, and the first kiss he shared with vanessa on the front porch he stepped up onto. a lump formed in his throat as he stared at the front door, the man’s words still echoing through his mind. he hadn’t been able to push them away, even as the police had questioned him and drilled him with questions as a paramedic checked out his bruising cheekbone. the injury was nothing he wasn’t used to though — after years of wrestling and kickboxing, he’d suffered worse injuries so sean had only rolled his eyes at the concern of the paramedics and brushed off the ice pack and pain pills they’d offered him — he had more on his mind than a little black eye.

the cops had told him to follow them to the police station for further questioning, but he immediately drove off as soon as they let him go to his car. he told himself the entire drive to vanessa’s house that he was only going to demand his money back, even though the police had ensured that the bank would cover anything that had been taken from him — he wanted to say that it was the principle of it all, getting back what had been taken from him, but he couldn’t deny the anticipation that built up in his gut as he drove towards vanessa’s house. he couldn’t drop what the bank robbers had said, that somehow she had something to do with why he’d come out of the confrontation with nothing more than a black eye, and he knew he had to find out before it ate him away.

sinking his teeth into his bottom lip, sean took a shaky breath and reached a hand up to push the doorbell. after a few moments of silence passed, sean clenched his jaw and raised a fist to pound against the wooden door. “vanessa!” he called without thinking. “it’s sean, let me in! we need to talk.” texting or calling ahead before he came pounding at her front door may have been a smart idea, but after not seeing the girl in years sean was unsure of how she’d react to him giving her a heads up that he was coming to take back what her gang members or whatever had stolen from him. 

[angrylizardjacket]

And All The Queen’s Men {Roger Taylor}

A/N: 5486 words. Okay wow. Please bare with me, this is a long one and also a bit of a different one. Written in the style of a Rolling Stone article. Finished it at 7am. Prompt & support from the lovely @ginghampearlsnsweettea

[And All The Queen’s Men ‘verse masterpost]

Warning: Minor character death, in both senses, it’s a baby, it’s not graphic it’s just mentioned, but just thought I should let you know.

And All The Queen’s Men: how the lines blurred between Queen and and the Queen of Jazz Rock.

An article almost two years in the making, after their last tour, which I was invited along to in order to write the initial article, the rock sensation Queen split, a decision, I am lead to be believe, was instigated by front man Freddie Mercury, and though Giselle Jones had continued to make music, even before her very public, on-stage breakdown, her lawyers had me keep the article to myself. Now, with the band’s reunion, and Live Aid having been a massive success with both powerhouse musical names coming back into the public eye, I’ve invited them back to my office for one last interview, but mostly to beg them to let me publish this article.

Which, obviously, they allowed.

It’s 1985, and with them all sitting in front of me, I feel a sense of deja vu. There are some changes, of course, Roger Taylor’s hair is shorter, Giselle Jones is wearing jeans and a sweater rather than her well-known cocktail dress, but John Deacon’s still smiling at me, Brian’s looking about the room, perhaps seeing if anything’s changed, and Freddie Mercury’s draped casually on the left of the only non-Queen member of the bunch. 

But before I get into the past two years, maybe I should take you back a bit, to when Giselle and Queen began collaborating.

Giselle Jones began in the late sixties as the front-woman of a swing band in a thirties theme pub known as Modern Glamour. Tall, elegant, with a voice like honey, she had a small following of regulars that frequented the pub, but had kept her passion from music from her family, claiming she was merely a waitress at the establishment, since her father was an executive at EMI, and she didn’t want to seem like the subject of nepotism.

However, one fateful day, her father brings music industry giant to the pub for lunch, hoping to catch Giselle at work and introduce her, but as you know, they both got a lot more than they bargained for. Foster sees potential in her, and offers her a contract if she’s willing to modernise her act, and as we all know, she does.

When Giselle releases her first album in 1970, Velvet Roses, which would be the first and only “Jazz” record to hit the Top 40 charts for that year, Queen are still playing pub gigs around London, though they’re looking at recording their first album, which would eventually get EMI’s attention, but that’s still not for a while. At this point, they’re the biggest fish in a very small uni-pub pond, and they need the means to grow. So out goes the band’s van, for one night in a recording studio.

“Like, in retrospect, of course it was the right decision.” Taylor leans against the back of the sofa he’s sitting on in my office in 1982, voice contemplative and fingers locked together as he looks into the past. “But I was twenty-two at the time, selling my van was a big deal.”

“A big enough deal that you wrote a song about it.” Giselle adds, sitting beside him in the middle of the sofa. Deacon hides a smile though May doesn’t hide his snort of laughter. 

The smirked remark is at odds with her look. While the boys are all in various states of brightly patterned shirts and jeans, looking casual and comfortable; Giselle wears white, sequinned, off-the-shoulder gown that hugs her figure and hits the floor, a slit in the thigh where her leg crosses, dark skin a stunning contrast to both the white fabric of her dress, and the leather of my sofa. Hands folded in over her knee, there’s not a singular hair out of place where she’s got it slicked back; I can’t look at her directly, she’s so focused and well put-together that it’s like staring at the sun.

The contrast has always been apparent in their various works, though Mercury has, in the past, cited her as an early inspiration for his desire to add a certain classical gravitas to rock and roll, and though she hasn’t publicly stated anything, the amount of covers Giselle has performed lived could fill an album. And now, here they are, about leave for a double-billed tour of the US, which I have been asked to join.

But their connection goes back much further than this, all the way back to 1975, to the release of the smash-hit single Bohemian Rhapsody That very same year, Giselle releases her fifth single, Dinner and a Show, a lyrically dissonant, heart pumping anthem that’s a metaphor for the way any type of review fuelled her, since it meant people were talking about her work. 

You serve yourself on a platter; your putrid delights, / yet how can I refrain? / You don’t come to flatter, you don’t want to go / so come on baby, / don’t you know? / You’re treating me to dinner and a show.

Giselle’s usually silky performance is turned into a masterclass of vocal gymnastics as she slides easily from the rough intensity of rock and roll, to the smooth purr of jazz as she sings about eating critics for breakfast.

They say a free mind makes the meat so tender / now you’re on the menu and I’m a big spender

The song itself comes as a response to her former manager about how her “aggressive” move to music that more stylistically rock and roll was alienating older audiences, though Foster, still her producer at the time, was pushing for her to skew to a younger audience, and it seemed as though he had gotten his way.

The real change, however, was the B-Side of the record. After speaking to Jim “Miami” Beach, Queen’s lawyer, regarding potentially covering one of the band’s songs, Giselle reveals that she was eventually told to just ask them directly.

“I gave Miami a letter that basically explained that I’d like to cover one of their songs for my new album,” Giselle gives me a thin smile, and I feel like I’ve done something wrong, even though I’m assured by Brian that her public persona “is just like that sometimes”. 

“- and I thought it was a joke! I said ‘yeah, sure, what’s the worst that could happen’.” Mercury laughs, leaning forward elbows on his knees and eyes shinning with amusement. “I did not believe for one second that Giselle, Giselle-” repeating her name for emphasis, his hand comes to quickly rest on hers where she still has them perfectly still on her knee, a moment of solidarity, “wanted anything to do with us. Hand Held Heart had been at the top of the US charts for almost three whole weeks the year before.” Letting out a long, wistful sigh, Mercury sits back, still grinning, though he’s got this far away look on his face now. 

“So we’d been stuck on a farm, recording A Night At The Opera for weeks with no outside communications, ” May fills in where Mercury’s faded into his own memories, and Taylor slings arm around Giselle where she’s actually relaxed somewhat, hands now in her lap. Curiously, she doesn’t shrug him off. “And when we get back, it turns out that she’s put a jazz cover of Jesus, yeah, that song from our first album, on the B-Side of her newest single.”

“Freddie practically had a heart attack.” Deacon adds, patting Mercury’s shoulder fondly.

In her own way, she was continuing the trend that Dinner and a Show had started, and that seven-inch single would bestow upon Giselle the title of Queen of Jazz Rock. It hadn’t been the first time she had acknowledged the band publicly, by the time she had released the single, her public persona had gained enough traction that, a few months prior to her recording of the cover, a reporter had asked if Killer Queen, Queen’s biggest hit at the time, had been written about her. The question had been caught on camera by the reporter after one of her tour stops in the Midwest of America; the footage is a favourite of fans, including myself, of the way she doesn’t even turn, simply calls over her shoulder, ‘they should be so lucky’, and she gets into her waiting car.

“I never took offence,” Mercury tells me, both in 1982, and 1985, as I bring it up both times to consolidate the origins of their musical partnership.

“You wouldn’t, you were all starry-eyed for her back then.” Taylor leans back to address Mercury behind Giselle’s head, but only when he says it the first time, in 1982. 

“It was a bit of a dig at us,” Deacon agrees with the drummer, nodding before shrugging. “A lot of good came out of it, though.” The others seem to agree, but Giselle herself has stayed quiet. For the first time since the interview started, she looks away from me, gaze dipping as she seems inclined to speak, though she takes her time to weigh up her words before she says them, wondering exactly what will and will not be printed.

“It was a bit of s**t thing to say. I was twenty-four and I panicked, I had to keep up my... this persona.” She gestures now to herself, breaking the entire physicality as she lets herself lean back, and I feel like I can breathe, seeing her act so human. Adjusting, she lets herself rest of the slightest of diagonals, shoulder to shoulder with Taylor’s arm still around her, now with Mercury petting her knee in solidarity.

Once in the tour bus, the difference between Giselle Jones, the woman, and Giselle, the singer and personality, becomes almost jarring to see. As soon as we get into the bus, she strips off the gown she was wearing, I turn away, though the others don’t seem to be bothered by it, May takes the dress to a waiting assistant by the door, and when I turn back, she’s in a pair of sweat pants and Taylor is tossing her shirt several sizes too big for her. For the first time since I’ve learned about her, Giselle looks comfortable, looks approachable and, for lack of a better word, non-robotic, taking a hairbrush from a drawer and flopping onto one of the beds as she brushes out the gel, apparently not bothering with a shower just yet.

“I showered this morning.” She seems to have caught my confused look, and explains herself. With her guard lowered in the familiar situation, her natural voice shines through, a rich, yet feminine alto, reminiscent of her singing voice. It adds to the list of things that add character to her beyond what her “persona” could ever convey. Or perhaps that’s the point.

The bus itself is almost too small for the five performers, and I’m certain it won’t fit me, but Giselle and I watch as they cram a blow up bed onto the kitchen table. It looks stable, and for the opportunity to experience living in such close quarters with such big names, I’d take anything.

“Sorry, darling, Paul takes the only spare bed.” Mercury informs me as I shimmy up onto the bed to test if it would hold. I had thought that the vehicle was at capacity, though it does make sense that the band’s day-to-day manager, Paul Prenter, would be travelling with them. That being said, I hadn’t realised there was even a spare bed, there was only five, perhaps none of them had wanted to be subjected to the blow up bed and decided to share instead.

When we finally get on the road, I get to finally see their true dynamics emerge. We all know the Queen dynamics by now, brotherly yet volatile, at times. I had worried for Giselle at times, the concept of living with four men (five if you count Prenter, who Giselle does not seem to, when I ask her about it, though I don’t think that’s a subject I should pry about, judging by the look on Taylor’s face where I can see him lounging at the back of the bus). However, I should have not have been worried; first of all, despite the youthfulness of their appearances, performances, and spirit, these are all men in their 30s, Giselle herself being 31 at the time of writing (1982), and they all have experience living with women, and with each other.

“First tour was a nightmare.” Deacon’s joined me on the blowup bed, is sipping tea as we travel along. “We learned real quick how disgusting close quarters can be.” He’s a quiet soul, but observant, and honestly I really enjoy his company. Anyone who can weather over a decade of rock and roll and come out as calm as him deserves some sort of recognition. “It’s much better now. Mostly.” He smiles like it’s an inside joke, but won’t elaborate. Giselle and Taylor refuse to clarify what he means by that, May just laughs when I ask him, directing me back to ask Taylor and Giselle, and Mercury calls them all gossips.

It’s something about the tour lifestyle that must bring out the childishness in them all, which comes out strongly during dinner. They shove my blowup bed into the sleeping quarters when dinner is served, and the five of us manage to cram into the tiny booth the bus allows. May, Deacon and Giselle are in charge of cooking dinner, sausages, potatoes, and peas, since apparently Prenter and Mercury have taken lunch duties, and Roger has put himself in charge of getting coffee and tea for everyone in the morning.

“We should really eat breakfast.” Giselle muses through half a mouthful of food.

“I do!” Deacon, next to me, comes back with, pouring some more peas onto his plate.

“You just eat cereal from the box, Deaky, that’s not breakfast.” Taylor counters him, which just causes the rest of the table to devolve into an argument about what counts as breakfast. Prenter, who has joined us for the meal, looks like he’d rather be napping or still driving, and makes quiet work of his meal.

Roger Taylor goes to sleep after me, and wakes up before I do, and I’m not sure how he does it. Or where he sleeps, the other beds seem taken. He wakes me up on the first morning by shoving my bed, which slides a few centimeters, but isn’t about to fall off it’s perch.

“You want coffee?” I’m barely functioning at this point, and his question baffles me. “Tea? Coffee? Deaky’s cereal? We got some left over sausages.” He lists off, probably due to my clear confusion, he seems exasperated, even though he’s definitely wearing pyjamas too. He’s still scowling a little when I tell him how I like my coffee, but he doesn’t complain, and it tastes exactly like I like it when he hands it over. The bus is stationary, so he can put the cups by the bedsides of those they are for, but interestingly enough he joins me on the table/bed. 

I know the origin story of Queen, I think everyone does at this point, so I ask him instead about the subject of my article; how Queen got involved with Giselle.

“You wanna know how I met Giselle?” It’s not exactly what I asked, but he’s already thinking about it, looking past me to the sleeping quarters with a frown. He plays absent-mindedly with the chain around his neck, and with the ring attached to it. “I thought everyone knew about that, the whole thing where we hated each other from the start?” When I ask if it was true, he actually laughs, though it’s more a snort of derision, if I’m being honest. “Of course not. Mostly.” They all seem to like that word, I hadn’t taken them all to be vague.

“I told him to take a long walk off a short pier.” Giselle will clarify for me later that day, joining me as I take a smoke break at one of our bathroom stops, not that there isn’t a toilet on the bus, they just try to avoid using it as much as possible. She doesn’t smoke, claims she never has, but enjoys the company, while the boys are buying snacks at the gas station. I ask when it was, she gives me another thin smile, but not like it had been in the office. Here it’s the punctuation to an earlier joke rather than a judgement.

She tells me about how she actually met them all, recording her second album, after her 1972 performance on Top of the Pops, you know the one. It had cemented Giselle’s now iconic aesthetic of an off the shoulder, floor length sequinned gown, silk gloves, and bold red lipstick, dark hair falling victory curls, the whole look reminiscent of an old Hollywood star, though there was red glitter trailing from her lips, and on her gloves in a theatrical fabrication of blood. It had been a look inspired by her musical roots, and the theatricality of the then-popular glam rock, a movement which would inspire many of Mercury’s tour looks also.

She was twenty-one at the time, still “developing her persona”, when she found that the in-house recording equipment at EMI was being used by the then-still quite unknown Queen. Or rather, according to Giselle, just Taylor.

“He was packing up the last of his equipment, and he makes a pass at me, thinks I’m an intern.” We can see the boys leaving the gas station, Taylor himself heading the pack. “So yeah, told him to take a long walk off a short pier.” She laughs, seems to hold the memory quite dear. “That b******d has the gall to look me in the eyes and ask who I am.”

“Did he know who you were?” When I look at her, she’s still smiling, tipping her head to the side as the boys draw close. She seems to be paying attention to me, but not a lot.

“Yeah, told me later he was just pissed I didn’t throw myself at him. That’s why I said that, ‘they should be so lucky’ thing, actually, that motherf****r right there.” The way she says it, raising her finger to point at him, makes me think it’s a story she’s told before, one that he knows about.

“You talking about me?” Taylor yells, and Giselle is quick to answer that she is. “Don’t spill all my secrets.” It sounds like an order, but his smile says it’s not, it’s weirdly playful, a dynamic I didn’t expect from them, especially considering their history. I raise the point. She laughs at me.

“You’re kidding, right?” 

Prenter calls for everyone on the bus, and Giselle doesn’t think to clarify once we’re back on board. 

The tour, I should have mentioned earlier, is a double feature; Queen is promoting their album Hot Space, while Giselle is promoting her own, The Bend Before the Break. When I ask her about the album itself, she talks happily about a few of the songs, however when I bring up my personal favourites, Ache and Heaven Sent, she turns very quiet.

I will end up watching most of her performances, and to this day, I have never seen something as raw and spiritual as Giselle performing Ache.

The lights dim as the joyful Meant to Be finishes. On the studio recording, a double bass starts the song, long, grieving and angry notes that pick up in tempo as it’s joined by drums and a piano, and finally, her voice, low, bitter and seductive in equal measure. Here, there’s silence, as she gently croons the open lines, face illuminated by only a single gold light, as swirling red and purple lights move about the stage. 

While saying you were sorry, / you burned me from the outside, in. / Now I’m calloused all over, / And too tired to feel the sting. / But I feel the ache, / feel the ache / feel the ache. / I’ll still let you back in.

She plays the piano herself for this song, a skill, I later learn Mercury had taught her many years ago. It’s a song that tugs at your gut, gets you thinking about how you keep people in your life who aren’t the best for you. She ends the last chorus with a long, mournful wail that you feel in your bones. 

I’ve never heard a crowd so quiet as when she finishes Ache, the penultimate song of her set list, unless you count encores.

The final song of the night is always Heaven Sent, a bright, headbanging anthem with the musical gravitas of a full jazz band. It was her single from the album, it topped most charts. You know the one. The radio won’t stop playing it.

Divinity with a neon glow / it hung above his head, / promoting his next show. / Didn’t even try to find my light, / just the darkness he’d bestow. / Heaven sent me the Morningstar.

“I was cheated on.” Was all she will say about the songs.

The others steer clear of those songs as well, when talking about the album, as well as the titular song, The Bend Before the Break, though Giselle claims she has moved on from the feelings associated in all three songs.

“I wrote them first on the album, I’ve moved on.”

Each of the boys seems very protective of Giselle at times, though Taylor is by far the worst. If I’m being honest, was weird to me, they’d been at each other’s throats publicly and professionally for almost a full decade after Giselle’s initial comment, however the vitriol had died down in the past few years, so I enquire about that about halfway through the six week tour. 

“We set them up.” May is the first to answer, sipping tea with myself, Deacon and Mercury. Since both Giselle and Taylor adjourned to the sleeping quarters. I ask him what he means.

“They tell it better.” Mercury interjects, but May argues that they’re asleep anyways so it’s not like it matters. Deacon agrees with Mercury, but quiet enough that May ignores him.

“So by ‘79, we’ve collaborated together, us and ‘Zelle, I mean,” the nickname is mostly used by May and Taylor, though Deacon uses it on occasion, “a couple of times, and we love her, right boys? We love her-” looking around, both Mercury and Deacon are nodding along, responding to a story they’d both heard before, though it was interesting for my first time hearing it, “but Rog is about ready to stab her with his drumsticks, but that’s just how he is.”

“Threatened to stab me once.” Deacon adds the unnerving information with complete serenity, focused on his cup.

“Me a couple of times.” Mercury shakes his head, as if it were some schoolboy prank rather than a stabbing threat.

“Like I said, just how he is. So we decide to send them to a place where they can bond over complaining about everything else, apart from each other.” I asked how it worked out for them and I watch as their faces fall. This terrible blind date idea must have gone horribly. “They hate the restaurant, which is good, but he goes to leave and bumps the table, spilling beer all over her dress, which is bad,” well, obviously. He pays me no mind, “and she elbows him in the face when she’s putting her jacket on - still don’t know how that one happened - but he still says he’ll take her home because it’s late, except-”

“To preface,” Deacon jumps in here, adding a little more milk to his tea, “she hates I’m In Love With My Car.” The song? Deacon nods. “Rog wrote it.” I can connect the dots, but I’m still confused as to how that lead to them being friends.

“Friends.” Mercury actually laughs into his cup.

“He takes her home anyways, she tells him the song’s s**t bu the sentiment wasn’t far off.” May finishes, shrugging.

“It was a real nice car.” Deacon shrugged, before looking straight at me. “And she still hates the song to this day.” There’s an air of finality to his words that is entirely unwarranted. That isn’t the point of the story; how are they friends now? Did they hook up in his car? Is that what they’re implying, I feel like such a gossip asking these questions.

“Did they ho- ? Yeah, of course.” May laughs, and though it clears some things up, I’m still rather confused. It’s probably reading on my face, because it looks like something else is dawning on him. “You know they’re married, right?”

No. No I did not know. Now I feel like an idiot.

I wonder if The Bend Before the Break is about Taylor? I can sense I’ve touched a nerve when I ask, and Mercury abruptly changes the subject, though the air still doesn’t feel right. When I head back through the sleeping area to get a new pen from my luggage, I catch a glimpse of Giselle napping in her bunk, Taylor too, asleep with his arm around her. She’s even wearing a wedding ring. I’m kicking myself for not noticing sooner. The chain with the ring around Taylor’s neck makes sense now. A lot of things make sense now.

For the next four days I feel like I’m being shunned, I’m the last to be told about dinner and have to eat the leftovers, Giselle barely says two words to me, Taylor just keeps glowering, and someone let the air out of my bed on the second night. It’s childish, but it’s in line with what I expect from them, regarding this sort of issue, I’m just glad Taylor hasn’t poured my coffee on me in my sleep, or spat in it. He just didn’t make it, which I suppose is probably the safest option for me.

The only apology I can think of is to offer to buy them all drinks, but it works well enough, and the next morning I wake to a fresh cup of coffee, and a very hungover Taylor. At least he’s dedicated to his job.

The rest of the tour passes without further incident. I still stand by Ache as one of my favourite musical performances of the decade, though I don’t mention it to Giselle, and now that I know the dynamic between her and Taylor, I can’t stop seeing it. Honestly, readers, they’re all over each other, which is expected from a man of Taylor’s reputation, but it’s still a little jarring to see the two of them so cozy. I must have been blind not to see it before.

When we part ways, Giselle is a little stiff with me.

“You brought up some feelings that I just... hadn’t actually dealt with at the time, which f******d me up.” She tells me in retrospect, sitting in my office with the rest of the boys in 1985. Live Aid was a few weeks ago, and since they all returned to the spotlight, I asked if they wanted to come and reflect on the past few years. The one thing that hasn’t changed is the fact that Giselle still swears like a sailor.

“A lot’s happened in the past few years.” Taylor’s still very protective of her, and after everything that’s conspired, at least from what I know, it’s warranted. We talk about the band splitting, how it had hurt the band as a whole, and even Giselle, who was at the time seeing a counsellor with Taylor. I’m hesitant to broach the topic of their relationship, though they seem like a solid until now, sitting before me, holding hands and leaning against one another.

I ask if Giselle’s breakdown was due to the band splitting, though I’m hesitant if I’ll get a response. Her smile is sad, which is mirrored by the rest of the band. I can guess her response before she says it.

“No.”

You all know the moment I’m talking about, the last concert for her last album, as of this publication, Finally, Sunlight where she had receive pleas from the audience for an encore. When she came back out, part of her makeup had been smudged around her eyes, and you can hear her sniffle over the microphone. (”I’m so sorry, I lost someone close to me, I thought I could keep it together for one night.” Dabbing at her eyes, she sits at the piano and laughs, but there’s no heart in it. “But I’ve got five more minutes left in me, let’s go, Atlanta.”) The song she plays is Somebody to Love, a slow, soulful cover, and the audience is almost unanimous in their raised lighters and slow swaying. As she goes on, she just starts crying harder, missing notes, hands shaking; the extended ‘Looooord’ before the chanting becomes a desperate wail, a plea to the heavens, and she collapses onto the piano, sobbing audibly as the instruments all come to uncertain halt and lighters go down in confusion.

From the crowd, a single voice begins to chant ‘Find me somebody to love. / Find me somebody to love.’ and a single voice turns to a theatre, full to the brim, as they sing when she can’t, still crying against the piano. Lighters go up, and together the audience and the band finishes the song where words have failed her. It was televised locally on the night, and still brings me to tears when I watch it now.

“We lost our daughter.” 

For those of you reading this who are shocked, I am too. Sitting there like a fool, not saying anything. 

“I was on tour, and Rog was at home with her,” even now, Giselle is getting a little teary-eyed, not that I blame her. Both Taylor and Mercury have an arm around her, and May has a hand on her shoulder, Deacon sitting on the back of the sofa right behind her. A unit. A family. “I wanted to go home, she was getting really sick, and I know he was doing everything he could, but I just- I wanted to be there... but my label threatened to sue me for... millions.” It sounds like it’s hard to say, and she’s wiping a tear from her eyes. I offer her the tissues on my desk. “But I should have gone home. I should have been there by her side, I should have done more.” Taylor whispers something to her and she leans against him, taking comfort in him.

“I had to call her, tell her that... that she’d passed. The day of the show. She’d been so upset for week, ‘Zelle that is, and everything just-” Taylor manages to get a great handle on his emotions, despite his misty eyes and shaking hands. “We’re alright now though, see? Nothing can tear us apart.” Though his voice does drop, so I think he’s saying it more for Giselle’s benefit. I give them all time to collect themselves, stop to get hot drinks for everyone, and everyone finally seems happy enough to answer when I ask what’s next for them.

“Music, of course.” Mercury says, now holding what was Giselle’s free hand. The rest of the gathered musicians agree. I ask if we’ll be hearing any sort of collaboration between Queen and the Queen of Jazz Rock. Taylor snickers, pulling Giselle close.

“Yeah, but not in the way you mean.” He ignores the rest of the men’s shouts of disgust, as well as his wife’s own gagging noise, which I can see on her face she regrets as she covers her mouth with caution, before giving the okay. 

“No, we’re okay, we’re good.” She assures everyone, before looking at me. “What he meant to say is that I’m pregnant.” She clarifies. Taylor is still grinning. 

“Don’t be gross, Rog.” May calls from the other side of the sofa, and Taylor has the gall to look accosted.

“What’s next for me, after everything that’s happened, is family.” Giselle says over the sounds of her husband’s indignant huffs, though his expression turns soft at her words, and they ignore the ‘boo’s of everyone else as they kiss.

“Could you be less gross around company?” Deacon asks, still mild-mannered as ever. This seems to be the cue for the interview to end, as Taylor of Giselle-

“It’s Giselle Taylor, by the way, I’m sorry I hadn’t corrected you earlier.” She corrects me now, as [Roger] Taylor leads her out of the door. The rest of the band seem mildly exasperated at their antics, but still ready to answer my questions. After everything that’s happened, I’m a little overwhelmed, I’m not sure where to go from here.

Perhaps my next article will be on Live Aid.

[maknaesdancersrappers]

devoted.

Jung Jaehyun || yandere!au(ish?), thriller(???), smut (im sure about this one lol), cursing, some pretty dark shit is under that keep reading line

word count: 9k

devoted masterlist

T R I G G E R  W A R N I N G.

A/N: i usually make a sideblog for scenarios and imagines but i cant commit to writing often //sighs at exo and svt fic blogs// so i’d rather post it on my main tumblr than on my AFF account which is strictly for memberxmember only (author name is on the gif lmao i got too lazy to edit it to my tumblr url) so here’s some jaehyun smut for all his hoes, me included.

P.S. this is based off my dream the other night and i deadass almost had a panic attack from it

As a boyfriend, Jaehyun was… devoted.

It was a mutual decision; a decision he had voiced out first, but later on deeply regrets.

Jung Jaehyun meant well when he had asked to take a break from your relationship because the final months of university was harder than both of you thought. You simply had no time for each other, especially since you come from two very different courses.

It’s been almost 4 years since you two began dating, thanks to that one Gen Ed subject you miraculously shared together during freshman year. If he hadn’t been late and ended up sitting beside you, neither of you would have crossed paths again.

Jaehyun loves you, he was completely smitten that day you had accidentally swung your head to him a little too strongly and caused your hair to whiplash against his face when all he asked was for the professor’s name to put on his forms.

And you love him, ever since he had flashed his signature dimpled smile, chuckling away your apologies for having smacked his face with your hair.

From pair works in class that turned to study sessions at the library, that turned to spending breaks together at the quad, that turned to dinner dates at the nearest pizzeria, and by then all of your friends can tell that you and Jaehyun weren’t just friendly classmates anymore.

As a boyfriend, Jaehyun was… devoted. He doted you; he made sure he showed how much he loves you every second that he can. It was cute at first, until you got used to it. It had never been a bother or a burden, no matter how many times your friends would point out it was starting to be creepy. But you always shrugged them off, saying it’s simply how Jaehyun was.

First week

“You and Jae?” Ten repeats, “Are taking a break from each other?” He scoffs and nudges Doyoung, “Are you hearing this?”

“Wait, I must have something in my ears.” Doyoung sticks a finger into each ear and pretends to clean them, “Okay, can you repeat that again, (Y/N)?”

You roll your eyes at them and Yebin throws her used tissues at the boys, “Ignore them, (Y/N.) But I’m just as surprised as they are. Are you and Jaehyun really taking a break?”

“Taking a break, in our definition, is not expecting dates every other night, texting or calling during breaks, you know, the usual things we do. And if by some miracle, we bump into each other, we’d just, smile, I guess.”

“Oh thank fuck, no more kissing like you haven’t seen each other in years.” Doyoung groans, only to screech when Yebin kicks his shin under the table.

“I bet you won’t last halfway the semester. Give or take a month?” Ten shrugs his shoulders.

Doyoung snorts, “I bet you won’t last a week.”

“It was his idea and we both agreed to it. We’re graduating soon and we both promised to do our absolute best for the last semester, so we’re getting rid of distractions.”

Ten hums, “It’s just unlike him to suggest it.”

You pout at him, “And what is that supposed to mean?”

“He worships the ground you walk on.” Doyoung says in a tone like it was the most obvious thing that existed. “He worships you.”

“He’s just affectionate.” The bell rings, “And we’ll be late for class.” You stand up from your seat and they follow suit.

Third week

It took a while for you to get adjusted to the fact you’re on a break with Jaehyun. There were plenty of times you had to stop yourself from texting him to ask how he was or if he’s up to eat out together. When there was a knock on your apartment door, you had imagined it was him and not the food delivery you forgot about.

One fateful Friday, none of your subjects had given out homeworks to slave on during the weekend and Yebin had demanded for a mandatory and much needed girl’s night out at the new bar outside of campus. You were fine with the idea, until one of your friends, Minkyung, had took it upon herself to dress you up.

“No.” You automatically told her the second her hand reached for the last dress on the rack in your closet. It was probably the shortest dress you had owned. Despite its sweetheart neckline and flowy cloth, the A-line dress was cut off just above your thighs. It wasn’t the best dress to wear on windy days, to say the least. “That’s too short.”

“It’s cute and sexy!”

“But Jae–”

Minkyung cuts you off with a snap, “Last time I checked, you and Jaehyun are currently on break. Let your legs and ass breathe while they can. You’ve kept your best assets in pants or baggy shorts because Jaehyun doesn’t like it when guys ogle them.”

“Uhm, I don’t like being ogled by other guys, too.” You weakly shot back but she had already forced the dress on you and pushed you to the bathroom.

It didn’t take long for the three of you to get ready and hop into a cab that took you to the bar Yebin had not shut up about days prior from tonight. It was the typical bar set up, with booths surrounding the dance floor with 3 bartenders manning the bar and serving up cocktails one after the other.

Minkyung was fast enough to secure a booth for the three of you and you slip inside while Yebin ordered some drinks.

You realize that it’s been a long time since you were able to go out with them like this. You had always spent your free time with Jaehyun and although you missed him, this was a nice change, too.

Halfway through the night and six margaritas and 3 shots of tequila later, Minkyung and Yebin had coaxed you onto the dance floor. Intoxicated, you sway your body to the beat, laughing and singing along with your girls. You abruptly stop when a hand glides down from your waist to your hips.

“Excuse me, but I have a boyfriend.” You slurred a bit, but stood your ground to glare at the boy that felt you up.

“Really? Where is he then? Hm?”

You size him up quickly, he was shorter than Jaehyun but had Johnny’s built.

“It’s called a girl’s night out, jackass, so fuck off.” Yebin pulls you away but he grabs your arm and you cry in pain.

“I wasn’t talking to you, short stuff.” He hisses at Yebin, who responds with a harsh stomp on his foot.

Minkyung and Yebin whisks you away from him while he cusses at her.

“Are you okay? God, some guys are just jerks.” Minkyung snarls, pulling you into a hug.

“I’m fine. I’m sorry for spoiling our night out.” You reassured her.

“You didn’t spoil it, babe. That jackass did. Besides, we’ve had one too many to drink, we should head on home.” Yebin pulls out her phone and books an Uber for the three of you.

Hangovers are the worst. Usually, Jaehyun would have prepared you some painkillers and a decent breakfast, but today, you and your roommates ate cereal in front of the television with the volume down low.

“I feel like shit. Are we too old to enjoy getting wasted already? Shit!” Yebin cries, clutching her head with one hand while jamming a spoonful of soggy cornflakes into her mouth.

“Someone ask somebody to bring us painkillers. My head is killing me.” Minkyung whines, rubbing her temples.

You grab your phone and to text Doyoung, who instantly replied with his dismay of your state but will still bring over some painkillers.

The television suddenly sounds an alarm, making all three of you groan and cover your ears.

“Breaking News from Seoul Central University. Finance student, Kim Iljung, 22, was found beaten up outside a bar on the outskirts of the campus. The victim reported that he was ambushed from behind with a bat and was not able to see his assailant.”

“(Y/N), isn’t that the guy that felt you up?” Minkyung points out and you look at the ID photo the news report flashed.

“Oh shit, yeah. Oh my god.” You gasp as the reporter described the injuries the boy had sustained.

“Kim claims that he does not know who did this and the reason behind it. He is currently recovering in the campus hospital and is working with the campus police to catch his assailant.”

“Serves him right for molesting (Y/N)! Karma’s a bitch.” Yebin says, drinking the leftover milk from her bowl.

“Karma or not, it’s scary. To be randomly assaulted like that? What if one of us were in his place?” You visibly shuddered. “I mean, who could do something like that?”

Ninth week

You’ll be having your period soon.

You know this because on top of craving all sorts of food twentyfour-seven and experiencing drastic mood swings to your friend’s unfortunate luck, you had to deal with a need that Jaehyun knew all too well to handle. But you haven’t contacted him as part of the conditions of taking a break which only meant you had to take care of yourself.

It was half past midnight when you were sure your roommates were in deep sleep in their respective rooms that you decided to lock your room and raise the volume of the music you usually played at night just a tad louder in case you got a little too vocal.

You haven’t touched yourself in a long time. And even if you had, it was under the predatory gaze of your boyfriend.

Play with yourself. He’d command and you would automatically open your legs and obey.

Everything felt tentative and unsure while your hands ran up and down your naked body. Your mind conjured up scenarios of all the times you and Jaehyun had fooled around and finally, your hand made its way to your core. Sighing, you circle your clit with the tip of your forefinger and shudder at the sensation.

You bite down your lower lip when you attempt to slip your finger inside you. After a few pumps, you slip in a second finger and a moan escapes you accompanied by your boyfriend’s name.

Yes, baby, that’s it. You could practically hear him whisper the words.

“Shit.” You remembered the last time you and Jaehyun masturbated with each other. Much like how you were lying down on your bed with your legs spread out and fingers knuckle-deep inside you, you imagined Jaehyun seated at the chair by your study table, with his large hand wrapped around his cock. You whimpered when you remembered how his eyes watched your fingers disappear inside you.

“A-ah.” You softly cry when you pump faster and harder, trying to match the speed and force Jaehyun had always used on you, but ultimately failed. You plant your feet on the mattress and lift your hips up when you finally feel yourself find the pleasure you’ve been craving for. “Jae.” You whine as your other hand squeezed one of your boobs.

There was a low groan that echoed into the room and for a split second you thought you had imagined it, but it sounded all too real and all too close for it to be a fragment of your imagination. You shoot up from the bed, your hands grabbing the sheets to cover your body as your eyes dart to the window to see a shadow move across it.

Fear seizes your heart, but you had to confront it. As quickly as you can, you run to your window and open it. Your dorm was on the second floor and if there was someone who had seen you, he was fast enough to go down the fire escape. But you shake it off, hoping it was nothing but your imagination.

You close the window before you can catch a cold, not noticing the gooey, white substance splattered on the window pane.

Sixteenth week

Finals were next week and you were at your wits end. You were neck deep in stress and you were desperate to release it. You were in no mood to drink and the girls had their own finals to study for. As you walked home late at night from the library, you stop in front of the university gymnasium.

It had been a while since you’ve went swimming.

You quit the team when you learned that Jaehyun quit the basketball team to make time for you.

The pool would have long been closed by now, but that’s not gonna stop you from sneaking in. You jumped the fence after checking no one was around and made your way to the building where the pool was.

The janitors always kept a spare key inside the emergency fire hose and with that, you successfully entered the indoor swimming pool.

The pool lights were left on as usual and you drop your bags to the side, your clothing following them soon after.

With only your matching red underwear, you slowly slip into the pool, half-moaning and half-whining at the cold water enveloping your body. When your body adapted to the coldness, you dive down and swim close to the tiled floor. From under the water, you look up and panicked when a blurred black mass stood at the side of the pool, causing you to resurface.

“Jesus Christ!” You gasp when you realized who it was. “Jaehyun!” You scolded, “You scared me!”

“Sorry.” He chuckles, lowly, pulling out one of his earbuds from his ear and letting it fall out from the hoodie of his jacket.

“How did you even know I was here?”

“I was out for a jog when I saw you jump the fence.” Once he said that, you noticed he was wearing his usual running clothes. There were a few beads of sweat sliding down his face and his breath was a little ragged. He squats down and offers you a half smile, “If anything, I should be asking you why you’re sneaking into the pool after closing time.”

You bite your lip and swim towards him. “The past weeks have been hard on me and I need to destress. Won’t you help me, Jae?”

His eyes darkened despite the pool lights shining in them. “I don’t think that’s how taking breaks from a relationship works, (Y/N).”

“We’ve made it this far, Jae. Can’t we cheat this break thing?”

“(Y/N)” He warns.

“Please, Jae. For me?” You unconsciously bat your lashes at him and he sighs.

“I don’t have my swimming trunks.”

You giggle at him, “If you haven’t noticed, I’m in my underwear.”

He watches you a little bit more and you thought he was hesitating, so you reach up and unzip his jacket for him. “Do you need help or are you going to let me play by myself?”

That made him smirk and he rises from the ground, discarding his jacket and peeling his shirt away.

Your mouth went dry at the sight of seeing his body again and it made you almost guilty to feel so sexually deprived for the past months. He pushes his running shorts down and reveals his boxers.

Your teeth bite down on your lips again when he kicks his shoes off and smirks at you before diving head first into the water. You swim backwards, trying to tease him as he swims to you from underneath. He resurfaces right in front of you the second your back hits the side of the pool.

Jaehyun wipes away the excess water off his face while you wrap your arms around his shoulders.

“Hi.” You whisper, laughing when he flashes you a smile as you helped pushed his wet hair back.

“Hi.” He breathes, grabbing onto your thighs and guiding your legs around him. “So you needed to destress?”

You nod your head, sliding the hand that pushed his hair back down the side of his face. “How are you gonna help me?”

He pulls your hips closer and grinds his erection against your clothed sex, eliciting a silent gasp from you. “I can think of a few things.”

“C-care to show me?” You stuttered, unable to say anything else as Jaehyun continues to gyrate his hips into you.

For the first time in months, you kissed each other.

The open kiss was messy and sloppy, and it was desperate, needy, and hungry. You clawed his bare back, looking for support as you slid down his body. In response, he pushes you against the side of the pool, the corner biting into your back had hurt but you couldn’t care less. His tongue had invaded your mouth, stroking your own as one of his hands roughly grab your breasts, pushing above the water’s surface.

You throw your head back, resting it against the poolside as Jaehyun clumsily thumbs your hardened nipple and trails a sloppy kiss from your cheek, to your jaw, and stopped short on the side of your neck.

Just as you slowly lose yourself with Jaehyun’s actions, a high pitched whistle hurls you back to reality.

“Shame on you two, fucking in a public pool.” Deep laughter follows afterwards.

Your eyes snap to the entrance where a group of boys watched in amusement. Humiliated, you hide yourself using Jaehyun’s body who shielded you nonetheless.

“Do you mind?” He snaps at them, defensively putting his arms around you.

“Yeah, man, we do mind.” One of them hollers, “We wanted to swim in sperm-free water.”

You flinch when they laugh once more, “Jae, let’s just go.”

He doesn’t react immediately; dark eyes glaring straight to the space behind you. His breathing had slowed and became heavy.

“Jaehyun,” You cup his cheek and make him face you, “Baby, let’s just go.”

It takes him another second to react. He closes his eyes and kisses your forehead. “Okay.”

The guys didn’t pay attention to either of you anymore as they jumped into the far end of the pool. Jaehyun helped you get out of the pool and instinctively, he checked on the guys as he got out after you. Just as he expected, one of them was checking you out while you bent over to grab your things.

“Hey!” He shouts, “I’d appreciate it if you stopped checking my girlfriend out.”

“Can’t help it, man. No wonder you can’t keep your hands off of her.” You see him look at you once more in an overly appreciative manner that made you shudder. On the corner of your eye, you can see Jaehyun tense up and ball his fists. “Jaehyun, leave him alone. It’s not worth our time, come on.”

“Do her real good, man!”

It took all your strength to hold Jaehyun down before he can even properly react. “Baby, please, I just want to go home.” You almost begged him and he finally relented.

Snatching your clothing up, both of you head for the locker rooms to dress before leaving the premises.

“Let me walk you home.” Jaehyun pulled you to his side after seeing you shiver.

After a while, he quietly says, “I’m sorry about those dickheads.”

“It’s not your fault. Maybe it’s the universe saying we shouldn’t be cheating on taking a break.” You huddled closer to him. “But I really miss you, Jae.”

“I miss you, too.” He plants a kiss on the top of your head. “We have a week left. I think we can hold out until then.”

“Until then? Hold out, what exactly?” You tease, spinning on your heels as you arrive to the doorstep of your apartment.

He leans down and kisses the spot between your jaw and your ear. “What could have happened back in the pool and so much more in the privacy of our homes.” His whisper was deep and low, tickling your ear and making you pull away with a short laugh.

“I can’t wait, then.” You let him kiss you on your lips. “Get home safely, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry for not helping you destress.” Jaehyun slightly pouts at you and you smile at him.

“I had this time with you.” You shrugged your shoulders, “It helped.”

“You can always play with yourself again.” He chuckles under his breath. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” And with one last kiss, he walks away.

You turn around and reach for the door, but realization hits you before you can turn the knob.

Did Jaehyun say… ‘again’?

Seventeenth week

You were finally through with exams and all you had to do now was wait for graduation. Jaehyun still had one last exam to finish in the afternoon, as Ten told you, so you guys, along with your roommates and Doyoung, decided to go to the mall.

When everyone grew tired of window shopping, Doyoung had suggested to head over to the arcade. Yebin had challenged Ten to breaking the high score on the basketball games while Minkyung had devoted herself into getting the large minnie mouse tsum tsum in the claw machine.

“Let’s play air hockey like old times!” You pulled Doyoung by his arm.

“Right! So I can beat you, like old times.” He laughs and avoids being shoved by you.

“We’ll see about that.”

He swipes the arcade card into the air hockey machine and the puck pops out in front of you. You place the puck onto the table and grip the striker.

“Are you ready to lose?”

“I should be asking you tha–hey! That’s not fair!” He yells when you make your turn and the puck goes straight into the goal.

“Whoops.” You feigned innocence. “If you’re so great, my leading point shouldn’t be a bother.”

Grumbling to himself, Doyoung places the puck back into the table and swings as hard as he could, making it bounce everywhere before you could block it and send it back to him. He had struck it too hard and made it hit the sides that ultimately led it straight into his goal.

“What the hell!” He complains and glares at you as you laughed out loud.

“That’s two points for me!” You cheer, preparing to block his next shot.

As the game continued, you couldn’t help but laugh at all the nonsense complains Doyoung kept stuttering out. Tears even made it to your eyes when he had made an effort to put all his weight into blocking the puck but he had missed it and stumbled away from the table.

“Are you sure you’re as good at this game as you say you are?” You jeered, peeking up at him through your lashes, but your eyes catch sight of someone else. “Jae?”

Doyoung cheers when the puck slips past you while you were distracted.

You eyes flutter down when the puck plops out of the bank by your legs but you ignore it and look back behind Doyoung. Jaehyun wasn’t there anymore.

“What’s wrong?” He stops his mini celebration and turns around, trying to look for what you were staring at.

“I just… I thought I saw Jaehyun.”

He whips his head back at you with a confused expression. “He should be taking an exam right now.” He glances down at his wristwatch. “Well, if he was fast, he could be done, but it would still take him some time to get here.”

“Right. I was just seeing things.”

After a few more minutes at the arcade, you head over to a fastfood chain across the arcade.

“To console you on your loss in our neck-to-neck air hockey match, I’ll buy you ice cream.” Doyoung wraps an arm around your shoulders, “Sound good?”

“Add in some fries and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be okay about losing.”

He exaggerates a sigh, “My best friend, using me for free food.” He lightly pinches your shoulder, “You’re lucky I love you or else–”

It happened so fast that you could barely register it into your mind.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, huh? Keeping her warm for me?”

The voice didn’t register at first, but the face that owned it did.

“Dude, what the hell?!” Doyoung scrambles onto his feet with Ten’s help.

Jaehyun steps forward but you block him. “Jae, what is wrong with you?”

“What is wrong with  me? I finished my exam early and rushed here to see you, but I see him,” He juts his chin towards Doyoung, “With his arm around you.”

“What’s happening here?” A mall security guard approached your group.

“A misunderstanding, nothing we can’t handle ourselves. Sorry for the trouble.” You bow your head at him and grab Jaehyun’s arm. “Can we talk outside?”

He casts a glare at Doyoung before letting you pull him out. On the way to the exit, you recognized the same group of boys that chanced upon you and Jaehyun in the swimming pool from the previous week. You were ready to avoid their gazes, but they had seen you and immediately steered clear from you–and you didn’t fail to notice the fear in their expressions. Glancing up at Jaehyun, you could see the smug look on his face as he watches the group retreat.

You walk out into the parking lot and spin around to face him. “Do you want to explain yourself for what you did back there?”

Jaehyun frowns, “He had his arm around you.”

“I–Jae! He is Doyoung. Kim Doyoung. My best friend since pre-school. My best friend who is asexual. You know that!”

“He can’t be asexual forever. For all we know, he’s already got a crush on you!”

“Why are you being jealous of him? He’s my best friend and will always just be my best friend.”

“He just said he loves you!”

“And I love him back, as in, platonically, which I think is what he meant!” You groan in frustration. “You’re being ridiculous!”

Jaehyun scowls, “I’m being protective of my girlfriend!”

You suck in your lips and stare him down, “Your girlfriend that you’re technically on a break with.”

“What?” His body visibly tensed up.

“Maybe we should extend the break for a week or two.” You began to step back, but he follows you.

“What?” Jaehyun repeats, “Why?”

“Because, Jae,” You snap and he flinches at your tone, “I need time to get over what you just did inside to my best friend and you need time to contemplate over your actions and apologize to Doyoung.”

“(Y/N).” He whines.

“Jaehyun, please.” You cross your arms over your chest, defensively, and he stops in his tracks, looking at you with pleading eyes. You shake your head with regret and turn away, walking to the mall front.

He hadn’t followed you or tried to stop you, and you were thankful for that.

You take out your phone, book and Uber, and sent a text to Yebin, saying you’re heading home to rest, and then sent one to Doyoung, apologizing for Jaehyun’s actions and asked if he was okay.

Yebin replies with a kissy face emoji and a short message that she and Minkyung will bring home some dinner for you, to which you replied with a quick thank you.

Doyoung responds to your text a little while after, telling you that he’s fine; that nothing was broken or bleeding, and Jaehyun came back to check up on him and to apologize for punching him.

You close your phone as you see your Uber arriving and hop inside. Jaehyun had never reacted that way and it came as shock to you that he did. He was always that shy and nice kid that everyone was friends with. He was never assertive, but you knew it irked him when guys would so much give you excessive attention.

Seventeen weeks and three days

With classes over and practices for graduation rites starting in two weeks, you were left bored at home while Yebin and Minkyung had their exhibits and recitals to attend to. You woke up at noon and ate late lunch in front of the television, catching up on all the dramas you’ve missed for the sake of studying.

It pained you to watch some romantic scenes, if you were to be honest with yourself. It reminded you of Jaehyun and how he had acted a few days ago.

You learned from Ten, since he’s been seeing Jaehyun’s roommate, Johnny, that Jaehyun was either cooped up in his room or spending his hours at the gym.

The news didn’t make you feel any different. You missed him so much, but your pride wouldn’t allow you to give in. He had to apologize and admit his mistakes.

You fell asleep in the middle of a drama and was woken up by your cellphone ringing. The caller ID read Unknown, but you answer it either way.

“Hello?” You yawned. The other line was silent. Thinking there was a problem with the signal, you stand up and walk closer to the window. “Hello?” You repeat. “Who is this?”

As the line continued to remain silent, you decided to hang up.

The call was unsettling, but you shake it off and gasp to see that it was half past 8 already. You trudged to the kitchen, taking out some left overs from the fridge and pop it into the microwave. While waiting for it to heat up, you scroll through your SNS; liking pictures, watching random videos. You see Taeyong’s new profile pic that showed his newly bleached hair and you give it a heart eyes emoji react.

The microwave beeps and you close your phone to eat your dinner in silence.

As you cleaned up after your meal, you’re overcome with the sense of someone watching you. There was a palpable tension in the air and you convince yourself to look behind you. You regret not turning the lights on in the living room, leaving the open space dark and barely illuminated by the kitchen lights.

Your imagination went haywire, thinking how possible it was for someone to stand in the darkest corner and possibly staring you down, mocking how you can’t see them. But your eyes adjust to the darkness and you can map out the tall lamp shade Yebin’s mother had gifted you guys the day you moved in.

You let out an awkward, shaky laugh. “It’s all in your mind, (Y/N).”

Your phone rings, ripping through the silence and effectively made the tiny hairs all over your body stand up. “Motherfuck.” You hiss, clutching your heart as you take your phone from the counter.

It was an unknown number again.

“Hello?” You answer, a little too aggravated.

There was static on the other side and thinking the cell service was bad from the kitchen, you move to window and peek up into the cloudy sky. “Hello? This better not be a prank phone call.”

Instead of the silence you expected, you hear slow, heavy breathing.

“Hello? Who is this?” The clouds move and the moon shines the ground below. Your eyes drop to the street below and your chest tightens.

On the sidewalk that leads to your apartment building, there was a man dressed in a black hoodie, ripped jeans, and a black face mask covering half his face. He was looking up at your building, you weren’t so sure since his hoodie had casted a shadow over his eyes. But what caught your attention was his hand, holding up a phone to his ear.

You see his chest heave and at the same time, an exhale comes from the other line of your phone.

You drop your phone and stumble backwards as a scream erupts from your throat. You hear your roommates concerned shouts from outside the hall as they scramble to open the front door.

By the time they reach you, you were on the floor, shaking uncontrollably and crying from what you had seen.

Seventeen weeks and four days

Your landlady came to visit you and told you she had asked the campus police for extra security every night. They had also tried to trace the unknown number, but didn’t get any leads and guessed it came from a burner phone. Nevertheless, they reassured you that they’ll continue to investigate your case.

Minkyung and Yebin had slept beside you last night to comfort you, but the thought of having a stalker still haunted you.

You were still jittery and with your mind playing tricks on you, you grab your phone and head out.

“Hey, I heard from Ten what happened. Are you okay?” Johnny asks as he opens the door for you.

“More or less? Uhm…” You look inside the room as you toed off your shoes.

“He’s taking a shower. He actually planned to go to you, but I guess you beat him to it.” Johnny cocks his head to the small bouquet of flowers on the side table. “I’m meeting Ten for an early dinner.”

“Bye.” You quietly say as you watch him close the door behind him.

With soft steps, you make your way to Jaehyun’s room. It was tidy as it always was. You can hear him singing as the shower turned on and it makes you smile.

As you move to sit on the bed to wait for him, your eyes catch the black face mask on his table. “Has he been sick?” You frown to yourself, walking over to it. Upon closer inspection, you find an old-school phone beneath it. You dismissed it as a toy when you try to open it and consequently failed to do so.

Your eyes travel to the picture frame beside it. It was you, of course. You were with him to help him choose the picture he’d have printed and framed. You pick it up only to put it down as fast as you could when your fingers came into something sticky.

“Ugh, Jung Jaehyun!” You hiss, stretching your hand as far away as possible. You were disgusted, to say the least, but a part of you is flattered to know your boyfriend jacks off to you instead of some porno video or magazine. You walk to his laundry basket and grab the first thing you could and wiped your hands on it.

You feel bad for using one of his black hoodies to clean your hands but he’d understand. As you returned the dirty laundry back into the pile, you noticed the light washed denim jeans inside. There was an unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see that they were tattered. It’s a coincidence, you convince yourself, a horrible coincidence.

You throw the jacket back into the basket and walked over to the other side of the room to sanitize your hands with the bottle of rubbing alcohol liked to keep there. Your emotions have suddenly turned a complete 180 degrees; when you stepped inside the apartment, you felt safe and secured. But after running into items that looked so out of place and had triggered your memories of the past events the last weeks, you were uneasy.

The sound of the shower turns off and you cast a glance at the bathroom door, catching your reflection on the full length mirror. You blink repeatedly, seeing (yet another) item that you did not know Jaehyun had owned.

Your heart began to speed up as you twist around to get a better look. You could hear your heart beating in your ears with every slow step you took towards the corner of the room. There, hidden behind an armchair, resting against the crevice where the adjacent walls met, was a metal baseball bat. You wanted to throw up as your mind connected the dots.

Jaehyun was always protective of you.

“(Y/N)?”

You gasp, turning around, putting a hand over your chest.

Jaehyun, dressed in a loose shirt and boxers with a towel haphazardly thrown over his head, looked as equally as surprised as you.

He couldn’t possibly have done it.

You choke on the onslaught of tears, running to him and burying your face into his chest.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay.” He automatically wraps his arms around you, smoothing your hair down. “You’re okay. I’m here. You’re safe with me.”

Jaehyun holds you tight, letting you cry out the remaining fear from the previous night, all the while placing kisses on your head and rubbing your back.

“Oh god,” You breathe in, smelling his strawberry-scented shower gel. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you, too.” He pulls away, tilting your face towards him. “How are you? Did you get any sleep? If I found out any sooner, I would have gone over to you.”

You shake your head, “I couldn’t sleep properly, even though Yebin and Minkyung stayed with me.”

“Have you eaten at least? Let me cook something for you to eat.”

“I-I… Don’t leave me here.” You hated yourself for sounding so weak.

Jaehyun offers you a soft smile, “No one’s going to hurt you while I’m around. But if you really don’t want to stay in my room, you can come with me to the kitchen.”

He leads you to the kitchen by the hand, his thumb running over your knuckles. He makes small talk with you, asking how your finals went, and you smile to yourself, seeing how he wanted to get your mind off last night.

You respond to his questions and watch him fry some eggs and slices of pork. It didn’t take too long for him to serve it to you with some reheated rice from this morning.

“Eat up, baby girl.”

“Baby girl?” You smirked, “Should I call you daddy, then?”

Jaehyun laughs, a blush still makes it way to the apples of his cheeks. “Be careful what you wish for.” He whispers into your ear, trying to sound seductive but ended up chuckling.

He watches you eat and from time to time, lets you feed him some.

“What are your plans after graduation?” He asks out of the blue.

You swallowed your food, “My plans?”

He nods, waiting for you to answer.

“Get a job?” You shrug, “I haven’t thought about that at all, actually.”

“How about moving into a new apartment?”

You pause for moment, “I don’t know if I can afford it, but my contract for my apartment right now ends two months after graduation so I should probably look into it.”

“Well,” Jaehyun massages his nape and avoids your gaze; a telltale sign he was nervous. He looked exactly the same when he first asked you out. “My parents graduation gift for me is my own apartment room in downtown Seoul. I was wondering if, you know, you’d want to move in with me.”

You stare at him, trying to process what he had just said. “Will your parents be okay with that? I mean, I thought you and Johnny would still be sharing an apartment.”

“He and Ten have their own plans, besides, I’m not sharing a bed with Johnny.” That makes you giggle and he lets out a short chuckle of his own, “And about my parents… they love you like their own daughter. They wouldn’t mind. I’m willing to bet they’re hoping for grandchildren in two years.”

“Woah there, big boy.” You laugh, “How about we take baby steps instead of hoping of seeing our baby take their first ones, huh?”

“Tell that to my parents.” He grumbles like a child and you reach up to pinch his cheeks.

“Anyways, I’d love to.”

“Hm?”

“I’d love to move in with you.”

It takes a second for Jaehyun to grin at your answer, both cheeks displaying a dimple each. “Really?”

You giggle at his reaction, biting down on your lower lip while you nod. “Yes, really.”

He pulls you in for multiple kisses, making you laugh in between each one. The last one he planted stayed longer against your lips, igniting a heat below your belly. His tongue grazes your lips and you instantly grant him access into your mouth, moaning at the sensation of his tongue sliding against yours.

His hands snake onto your thighs, roughly massaging them before pulling you tight against his body. You cling onto him; mouths undetached as he hauls you up and takes you back to the bedroom.

As if you were a delicate piece of china, Jaehyun sets you down on his bed with utmost care. He pulls away from the kiss, leaving a string of saliva between your lips before it snaps as he straightens himself to remove his shirt.

“Oh, god.” You groan, “I can’t believe I lasted 4 months.” You palmed him over his boxers with one hand while the other travelled upwards, fingers dancing across the expanse of the hard muscles of his abdomen and chest. Before you can slip your hands into his shorts, he grabs both of your wrists.

“I still owe you a destresser.” Jaehyun reminds you with a matching smirk on his lips.

You let him undress you, watching his eyes dart to every newly exposed skin and grow darker with carnal lust to every drop of clothing article on the floor by his feet. When you’re finally stripped off of all your clothes and underwear, he gently pushes you back until you’re lying on the bed. With a light tap on your thighs, your legs part to make room for him.

He removes his boxers and kneels on the bed, one hand already stroking his hard member. He leans down and kisses you, “I’m going to show you how much I missed you.”

“Don’t hold back.” You challenged and he playfully scoffs at you.

“When have I ever held back?”

Before you could answer, a digit dips into your core. A shaky sigh escapes you as Jaehyun languidly moves his finger around.

“Show me how much you missed me first.” He quietly says, “Use my hand.”

Whimpering, you covered his hand with your own, grinding your clit into his palm. Your fingers tapped onto his middle finger and he got the message, inserting it along with his pointer finger. He dragged them against your inner walls that caused you to softly moan.

You lifted your hips, hoping to get some more leverage but Jaehyun flexes his middle finger and it brushes against your g-spot. You gasp, dropping your weight back down to the bed. From there, Jaehyun takes over.

With no warning, he pumps his fingers into you, curling them inside before pulling out. It felt amazing and your body was already starting to convulse. He continued his actions, going harder and faster, ignoring the signs of your oncoming orgasm.

You cry out, grabbing onto his wrist with both hands as your body violently shook.

Not wasting any time, Jaehyun takes whatever essence of your climax his fingers collected and smears it over his cock, giving it a few more pumps before he slides it in you.

Your moan may or may not have been too loud for the neighbors to hear, but you had no control over it. Despite being sensitive and still high from your orgasm, you try to spread your thighs further for him. One of your legs pinned his on the bed while you wrapped the other around his hips.

Jaehyun mumbles something about you being tight and how it feels amazing just before he begins to thrust, slow and deep. He leans over and kisses your neck, alternating between sucking and licking every patch of skin he can get his mouth on.

“I’m going to mark you so other guys wouldn’t think twice about hitting on you, okay?” He thrusts a little too hard, as if to punctuate his question, and you groan in response.

“Yes, yes,” You gasp, your hands finding purchase on his shoulders. “I’m yours.”

He makes almost an animalistic growl, hips moving more erratically with your words. “Say that again.”

“I’m yours.” You chant, almost like a prayer.

With every repetition of your invocation, Jaehyun snaps his hips into you, gaining more speed and power. It had you curling your toes and teetering over a cliff, ready to jump head first into ecstasy only he can deliver.

Your body thrashed against him as he gave you your second mind-blowing orgasm for the night. He helps you ride it out, keeping your hips still as he shallowly pushed into you. Unintentionally, you clenched around him and he moans at the sensation.

“Shit, that feels so good, baby.” He rasps, throwing his head back.

“Won’t you come?” You asked, pouting up at him as you catch your breath.

Slowing down his thrusts, he looks down at you. He studies how you were still shivering from your high, how his kisses on your necks have bloomed into a bouquet of purple flowers, how your breasts rose with every haggard breath. He takes one into his hand, softly palming it. “I’m getting there.”

“Is there anything you want me to do?” You watch his eyebrows scrunch up and his lips curl into a wicked grin.

He pulls out of you all of a sudden and crawls until his knees are on either side of your chest. “Open up.”

You part your lips and stick your tongue out a little.

Jaehyun groans at the lewd sight of you; taking his cock into his hand and pumping as fast as he can. He places the tip on your tongue when beads of pre-cum ooze out.

You lick it up immediately, coaxing him to ejaculate by running your tongue on the underside of his cock’s head.

A string of curses fall from Jaehyun’s lips as he finally found the final push he needed to come. White, hot liquid shoots into your mouth and amidst of you swallowing it, the remaining cum splashes onto your cupid’s bow, cheek, and chin. He cries out in anguish when you push yourself up to suck him dry with hollowed cheeks. As you fall back to bed, one last spurt escapes him and hits your brow.

Seeing it dribble down your eyelid, Jaehyun uses his thumb to swipe it off. Before he can clean his finger, you grab hold of his wrist and guide it to your mouth, collecting the salty substance with your tongue.

“Jesus christ, (Y/N).” Jaehyun exhales, feeling his cock twitch at the salacious scene.

“I just missed how you tasted.” You giggled, kissing his thumb. “Still delicious.”

He combs your sweat-slicked hair and chuckles, his ears turning red at the compliment, “Well, I’m sure you taste sweeter.”

You jut out your lower lip at him, “How would you know? You haven’t tasted me in months.”

“Oh?” His eyes glaze over once again, “Is that a challenge?”

“Baby,” You coo, “It’s an invitation.”

If his dimpled smile made you melt, a dimpled smirk made you melt in other places–places he was about to visit.

“Don’t mind if I do, then.” He trails a kiss from between your breasts down to your navel.

Your jaw drops when he arrives right at your core and does his magic.

You dip your head back down further on the bed, moaning at every flick of his tongue. You turn your head to the side and your eyes fall on the baseball bat from earlier. You had a clearer view of it this time.

You had a clearer view of the other end stained with dark red splatters.

Your blood ran cold and you froze up.

Jaehyun, realizing immediately that you had stopped responding to his actions, pulls away and looks at you. His gaze follows yours and once he spots what had grabbed your attention, he hovers above you and places a hand on either side of your head. “Look at me.” He commands.

“You couldn’t have…” You murmur, meeting his darkened eyes.

“He touched you.” He simply states, devoid of any emotion.

“Jaehyun!” You reprimand, but he cuts you off.

“He disrespected you, (Y/N). I wasn’t going to let that pass by!”

“How did you even know I was the bar? Were you following me?”

“I wanted to make sure you were safe!”

You push him off, scooting off the bed and picking out your clothes from the floor. This wasn’t something you wanted to discuss in the nude. “Well, I was! Yebin and Minkyung were there with me. We left before he could do anything else. You didn’t have to beat him up with a bat! Jesus christ! Jae! You’re wanted by campus police.”

“He got what he deserved, (Y/N).” He coolly shrugs his shoulders, grabbing his boxers and slipping them on while watching you dress.

“And what about those guys from the pool?” You suddenly remembered running into them the other day.

“I only meant to go after the one who couldn’t keep his eyes off you.” Jaehyun admits, “But his friends came looking for him, so I had to deal with them as well.”

“You took them by your–” You shut your eyes in frustration and disbelief. It felt like you didn’t even know the man in front of you. Shaking your head with a scoff, you avoid his piercing glare.

Another thought pops into your head, a scarier one that gave you goosebumps.

You look to the table and stare at the black face mask, “…w-were you the guy last night?”

“Yes. I was outside your window, too, when you masturbated.”

You gaped at him with horrified astonishment. “Why?” It took every fiber of your body not to start shaking from fear and disgust. “You scared me shitless!”

“That was the point.”

Your jaw drops, unable to formulate a proper response, nevertheless, Jaehyun continues.

“I had to scare you back to me.”

“What?!”

“I was losing you.” His voice finally breaks from the monotony and raises an octave higher. “You asked for an extension when I was at my limit. I missed you!”

“I was mad! You punched my best friend, Jaehyun! I had the right to be! And it didn’t mean you were losing me. I just needed time to cool down!” You pinch the bridge of your nose. Never, in the four years, you and Jaehyun have spent together did you argue like this. This was a completely different side to your boyfriend and all these revelations were giving you a headache. You needed time to process them. “I can’t do this.”

You make a move to leave but Jaehyun blocks your path.

“Can’t do what?” His voice had dropped and his eyes were practically black as the night. Taken aback from his demeanor, you were unable to respond to him, making him ask again in a raised voice. “Can’t do what, (Y/N)?!”

“Let me go, Jae. I need to go.”

“Go where? Who are you running of to, huh? Doyoung? Taeyong?”

“Why are you dragging Taeyong into this?”

Jaehyun scowls, “I saw you giving his picture a heart eyes react.”

“Oh my god!” You shout, “Do you hear yourself right now? So I liked his new photo because I thought his new hairstyle looked good. He’s our friend, remember? Jaehyun, please, let me leave.”

“And what? Extend our break even more? I don’t think so.” He reaches for your hand, but you move away. “(Y/N).”

“You’re honestly scaring me right now.” You back away until you feel the wall behind you. “Why are you acting like this?”

“Because I love you, (Y/N),” He steps forward, “Everything I do is for you. I have to protect you. If you could only see how other guys look at you, how they would undress you with their eyes–I, I can’t let them disrespect you like that. They need to know that you’re mine and I’m yours.”

“And if you really, really do love me, Jae,” Your eyes tear up, “You would let me leave.”

“No. W-why?” His eyebrows scrunched up in frustration “Do you want to break up?”

You swallow hard, “I’m really scared right now, Jaehyun. Just please give me time to think–”

“Answer me!” He yells, making you flinch in your spot. He traps you against the wall, “Are you thinking about breaking up with me?”

“I don’t feel safe with you right now.” You breathed. Your words were barely audible but they rang like sirens in Jaehyun’s ears.

He steps away from you, the emotions on his face have changed from hostile to defeated. His eyes are wet as they searched around the room for something, and they fell on the full length mirror attached to the bathroom door. Huffing, he takes two large steps towards it and swings as hard as he can.

You shrieked as his fist connected to the mirror, creating a large, cracked web onto it. You had expected him to stop, or at most react to the the pain of the blow, but he repeatedly punched the mirror, smashing chunks of the glass and sending them crashing to the floor.

“Jae, stop!” You yell, but it was as if he couldn’t hear you.

You found yourself grabbing his arms at the first sight of crimson staining the mirror. “Jaehyun!”

“Go away! I don’t want to hurt you,” He spares you a tormented glance. His cheeks were damp from tears already. “I can’t hurt you, so let me–”

He attempts to throw another punch, but you hold him back. Then both of you struggled with one another, until he nudges you away and faces you. “You hate me!” He cries.

You shake your head in denial, but he repeats himself.

“You hate me.”

“I never said that.” You squeaked, staring into his eyes.

“You wanted to break up.” Jaehyun grabs a fistful of his hair as he shuts his eyes.

“I never said that, either.” You quietly admonished, shakily reaching up to wipe his tears.

He had flinched away from your touch at first, snapping his eyes wide open like an injured beast being cornered, but the way you looked at him made him drop his defenses.

“I’m sorry.” He chokes out, sobbing like a little boy and your heart wrenches at the sight. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He repeats over and over until you pull him down, letting his head rest on the crook of your neck. “I can’t lose you, (Y/N). I can’t. I just wanted to protect you.”

“You’re not gonna lose me and you won’t.” You run one of your hands down his back while the other combed through his hair.

He pulls away, tears still flowing down his cheeks, “You’re not leaving me?”

You take in his expression; a mix of pain, anguish, confusion, guilt, and above all that, you see the expression that made you choose him and stay by his side: love.

“I mean, I have to go home sooner or later.” You cock your head, offering him an unsure smile in an endeavour to bring up his mood, and it sort of did. The briefest flash of his dimple with the curl of the corners of his lips told you that you had at least succeeded in making him laugh. “But I can spend the night if you want to.”

“I want you to.” He mumbles and you smile up at him.

“Then I’ll stay the night.” You pull him down until his forehead was touching yours. Playing with the short hairs on his nape, you whisper onto his lips, “I love you.”

A smile finally breaks out onto his face, lighting it up from the solemn mood “I love you, too.”

“Let’s get your hand cleaned up and wrapped, okay?” You kiss his cheek and lead him out the room, careful not to step on any glass shards.

The clock in the living room struck 12 and exhaustion seeped into your system. You were beginning to accept that there was something terribly wrong with your boyfriend’s psychological health. You should have ran away when you had the chance; you should have left when he, himself, told you to. But you remembered his eyes when he spared you a glance. Something in them switched like an on and off button when they were on you in comparison to when he had been punching the wall.

You look over your shoulder and up at Jaehyun, who sniffed as he inspected his bleeding knuckles.

Your friends have always told you how much he doted you.

Up until tonight, you had no idea just how devoted Jaehyun was to you.

devoted 2 part 1

devotee (jaehyun’s pov)

[catching-up-on-comic-books]

Binge Reading Journal - November 13, 2018 - the tenth day of reading Marvel’s Dark Reign (Part 3)

Secret Invasion- Requiem

Now they reprint Court-Martial by Jim Shooter (boy genius writer), Bob Hall (an underrated penciler), Dan Green on inks and Janice Chiang on Letters. This story was first featured in Avengers #213 in 1981 featuring the smack heard ‘round the world.

Hank Pym, now working under the name of Yellowjacket, is standing in front of Iron Man, Thor and Captain America. All in full uniform in their private mansion where no one can see, or get in or out. BUT this is a serious matter. Full uniform must be worn! Iron Man says that Cap has leveled some serious charges against Yellowjacket. Thor lets him know that if the accusations are true he will face formal court-martial! Thor wants the record to show that he and Iron Man are presiding as judges.....wait wait wait. These are just a bunch of dudes wearing really tight clothes in a swanky clubhouse. There’s no military sanction. Tony Stark is footing the bill (through the Maria Stark Foundation) so they can run around and smash things!

According to the Marvel Database, they’re a non-profit organization like the American Red Cross or Habitat for Humanity, recognized by the National Security Council of the US and the UN as a peacekeeping organization, ain’t nobody being court-martialed....pppsshhhh. Just be all like, “Hank you’re a jerk! Here are your things and go away.”

Well, these boys are going to go through this farce anyway. Cap states that the day before, during a mission where he was fighting a mysterious woman attacking Washington D.C. He managed to convince her to stop when Yellowjacket shot her in the back, which caused her to continue fighting. Iron Man asks for an explanation to which he has none. His own personal thoughts, legible in a bubble to the reader shows him thinking that he was a jerk and acted over eagerly to be the star on his first mission since rejoining the team.

Thor (who’s not really pretending at any of this because he actually is a Norse god) says they will convene for three days until the formal court-martial (hahahah) and suspends Hank until then so hand over your Avengers ID Card, Hank!

Hank pleads a little at this but Iron Man reminds him the rules, which he helped write, are firm on this.

I don’t think The Salvation Army has ever court-martialed anyone and they call themselves an army!

Janet is in the hallway outside the court-martial ichamber. Tigra asks why so down? Tigra, by the way is hanging from one of the rafters in the ceiling because it helps her relax. She wonders why Janet is so hung up on that strange guy anyway. Can we remind 2008 Future Tigra, who’s having Skrull-Hank babies, she thought Hank was strange in 1981?

Hank leaves the room and practically shoves Janet aside, telling her to leave him alone when she asks how he is. He immediately regrets it an apologizes before she walks away. She comes in for an embrace and say sweet consoling things to each other. TIgra doesn’t get it.

As the other founding members go their separate ways, each one remembers their own mistakes from the past.

Cap recalls when, during a heated battle against Nazi soldiers, he reacted to a noise behind him and instinctively threw his shield. It was a little girl, an orphan, collecting the brass shells for money. He barely missed hitting her when she bent down to pick up a shell. Cap realizes that he nearly made the same mistake as Hank.

Iron Man is going over Hank’s files and pictures, As a founding member his history is tied in closely with the Avengers’ history. However, Hank never really seemed to settle in, taking on guises such as Giant-Man and Goliath. Tony feels that Hank always felt outclassed by himself and Iron Man, so he’d leave the team to try to come up with some scientific breakthrough to prove himself. One of those wound up being Ultron, the Avengers’ greatest enemy. Then he had an accident in the lab which triggered a mental breakdown. That’s when he started calling himself Yellowjacket. However, the schizophrenia was cured (can’t be cured.)

Schizophrenia, and other mental disorders are a pulp fiction trope, used to explain away erratic behavior. It is usually used by writers with very little understanding of the actual condition. Actually, a rigorous new definition of schizophrenia was fashioned for the ''Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Third Edition,'' or ''DSM-III,'' which was published by the American Psychiatric Association in 1980.

Nevertheless, Hank and Janet got married. As Iron Man continues reminiscing, he recalls how Ultron returned and forced him to create Jocasta from Janet’s brain waves. Iron Man wonders if Hank will ever stop looking for redemption. Is it fair to turn away from a friend who needs help, should he be punished for a mistake anyone of them could have made?

Janet and Hank head home, Janet stopping to sign autographs for fans waiting outside the mansion, none recognizing Yellowjacket. They head to their residence in Cresskill, New Jersey. (Did he always live there? Should I redo my ant speed calculations from that earlier issue?) Ah wait, their butler and other staff greet Janet like she’s the Queen of England and Hank is something she stepped in. She’s the rich one, inherited her father’s wealth which he made from science, with all his alien teleportation stuff. Not a lot of scientists manage to get rich. Usually the career path of a scientist is to become tenured at a university, write a lot of books and speaking engagements, they manage to make a decent living. Usually they work for companies and universities collecting meager salaries for the opportunity to science.

If a scientist manages to discover something, and patent it and comes up with a practical use for it, then there is an opportunity to become rich from it. A couple of rich, like Craig Ventner. Dr. Ventner, much like Hank Pym, is a biotechnologist, biochemist and geneticist. He was involved in mapping the human genome. Then he founded, Celera Genomics, institute for Genomic Research and the J. Craig Ventner Institute and Human Longevity, Inc.

At Celera, Ventner and his colleagues completed sequencing the human genome (Ventner’s genome specifically) three years ahead of schedule, beating the government funded Human Genome Project (your taxes at work.) Ventner’s discoveries, patents and stock ownership in the companies he’s founded made him very rich. Forbes estimates that his net worth (as of 2017) based on his stakes on two of his startups is about $300 million.

It seems like taking some real world examples, there’s some untapped story ideas to mine; what did Janet Van Dyne’s father discover and patent that made him rich and how has it impacted the world; how can Pym cash in on his own discoveries (not to mention Reed Richards, Hank McCoy, etc.).

Janet tries to get Hank into the bedroom, but he takes the laboratory over the seductive advances of his wife.

Hank admits he hates going to the lab because it reminds him of his failures, except there is one success he’s had in the lab: Robotics (wait, no that never turns out well.

Cut to three days later, Tigra is asleep in her private quarters, Bob Hall draws her in the nude but all the naughty bits are tastefully covered. She wakes up to the sound of Jarvis approaching her door. Jim Shooter makes it a point to say she slipped on a satiny negligee. It’s like the only reason Tigra was created was to get some weird furry fantasy going for the readers. A startled Jarvis, who’s never owned a cat apparently or else he wouldn’t be surprised by her behavior, is presenting Tigra with her first weekly stipend check.

She is surprised to learn that the Avengers get paid a salary. He clarifies that it is a modest stipend to cover living expenses, which most Avengers traditionally refuse, he adds in a snidely way. Hmmmm. Let’s see....Black Panther is the king of his own country so mega-rich; Thor, Prince of Asgard, so rich he doesn’t even need money; Captain America, probably collecting a lot of military back pay. See, Jarvis, most Avengers refuse the stipend because they’re already rich; not because they are doing it out of the goodness of their hearts.

He continues to economically shame her by pointing out that those that do accept the stipend are the ones that live at the mansion and have no outside means of support. Tigra finally gets a chance to read it and notices it is for one thousand dollars. Which in 1983, like $2,534.53 today or $131, 795.56 a year. That is a pretty good haul on top of room and board for Tigra.

Jarvis reminds her that the court-martial is at four o’clock that day. Meanwhile, Tony Stark is making an excuse to leave a board meeting at Stark International Headquarters, because writers think the best way to show a busy CEO is at a board meeting (not true, board meetings occur maybe just once a year unless there is an emergency, trope alert)

Thor finishes up some surgery but leaves the cleaning up for his colleagues, who grouse at Blake leaving (oh, sorry at this time, Thor is still using the Don Blake alter ego) for them to clean up despite being the best surgeon ever.

Captain America, already in the Avengers library and in full uniform, is wondering if he will have the courage to look Hank in the eye even though it is the most difficult thing he’s ever done. More difficult than watching Bucky die on that rocket? More difficult than giving up your Captain America identity to become Nomad? Well, we all chose our own cross to bear.

Speaking of crosses to bear, a few hours earlier, Janet hasn’t seen Hank since they came home three days earlier. She decides to go check on him in the lab. Finding the door locked, she shrinks down and squeezes in to the door crack to discover Hank putting in the final touches of programming of the robot, which will allow it to target each Avenger by their brain waves. Which it does as o soon as it senses Jan in the room. Hank is infuriated, Accusing Jan of spying on him. Hank explains he has built a robot called Salvation 1 and she’s going to help him test it out. It grabs Jan but her sting is useless against it. He explains it is built out of Adamantium. Ok, so according to the Marvel Database:

Creating even a small amount of Adamantium is astronomically expensive, and only a few people know the complete formula. Adamantium is created by mixing certain chemical resins together. The exact composition of these resins is a closely guarded secret of the United States government. When these resins are mixed and kept at a temperature of 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit, the resulting liquid can be cast or worked into a particular shape. After an eight minute 'flux period', the mixture sets and becomes solid regardless of temperature. Its molecular structure is extremely stable, and its shape can only be altered by precise molecular rearrangement.

So I don’t know how Hank had enough Adamantium lying around to build a 15 foot tall battle robot he just conceived three days prior. He designed Sal with a secret weak spot that will shut down the robot with one well-placed stinger shot, thus making him a hero when Sal attacks the Avengers. That’s the plan at least. But Janet won’t let him go through with it.

There it is.

On Jim Shooter’s website, he posted on March 29, 2011:

In that story (issue 213, I think), there is a scene in which Hank is supposed to have accidentally struck Jan while throwing his hands up in despair and frustration—making a sort of “get away from me” gesture while not looking at her.  Bob Hall, who had been taught by John Buscema to always go for the most extreme action, turned that into a right cross!  There was no time to have it redrawn, which, to this day has caused the tragic story of Hank Pym to be known as the “wife-beater” story.

So, henceforth Hank Pym is known as a wife beater.

Let’s cut to the court-martial proceedings. Captain America states his case: Yellowjacket shot a hostile in the back. Hank has never been know to act cowardly so the act was a case of misjudgment. It is tempting to write off as a mistake since any one of them can make the same error.

However, as an Avenger they cannot. An error by any one of them can result in the loss of lives. They have a tremendous responsibility and thus must judge themselves harshly.

I bet one can look back at previous issues of the Avengers, or Iron Man or Cap, or Thor and find situations and scenarios where they’ve all made costly mistakes like Hank Pym. Alas, this can’t turn into a retrospective of the Avengers.

Iron Man asks Hank how he pleads or if he wishes to defend himself. Hank pleads not guilty. His argument is that although his mistake may have seemed treacherous but he wondered if Cap ever considered treachery from the enemy. His actions may have actually saved lives! Perhaps because the enemy was a beautiful woman, perhaps Cap liked her! Like Liked her! That’s why Cap is upset, because Hank hurt her!

Everyone is feeling second-hand embarrassment at this point. Iron Man asks him to stop. Hank asks Janet to back up her story. She lowers her sunglasses and reveals a shiner. Thor is shocked, wondering if Hank actually hit her. Hank goes for the remote control to summon Salvation 1. Janet pleads to him to not do it.

Sal bursts through the wall (kind of hilariously, no disrespect to Bob Hall, but considering the statement Shooter made on his blog post, about Hall being trained by Buscema to always go for the drama, it kind of comes off as comedic. Iron Man being flipped upside down, Tigra kind of in a Bugs Bunny pose, Yellowjacket exclaiming “Ah!” In faux surprise.

When Thor strikes it with his Mjolnir without any effect, Janet let’s them know it’s made out of (very expensive and rare) Adamantium and Hank built it and designed it to destroy them. Hank realizes Sal is way too brutal and may actually defeat everyone. He goes for the super secret shut off switch but Sal throws him against the wall. Sal grabs Hank in his giant pincer claws, crushing him when Janet runs up and shoots the switch with her stinger, deactivating Salvation 1.

Hank, shamefully leaves.

[rekarra]

Breaking Through Shadows | Prologue

Plot: This was the best weekend that my best friend and I were ever going to have. Or was it?

Genre: Fluff, slight angst, eventual smut. idol!au

Word Count: 1.5k

Pairing: Leaving this blank for now, for plot, or something.

Point of View: First person oc

Warning: Language, slight mentions of past trauma, talk of panic attacks

Author’s Note: I finally decided that I needed to write my own piece. There will be multiple parts because my imagination can’t seem to stop right now. The next chapter will have more because this is really just a very very very small taste of what’s going on in my head

The day was here. It was happening. After all the planning and waiting, my best friend, Chyler and I were finally getting to see -them- live. And not just live, I had gone all out, making a whole event out of it. It wasn’t just a concert for the two of us, it was a chance to spend some much needed time with the one person who was always there for me, having spared no expense in treating the two of us for the whole weekend. Booking the best suite available at the Sheraton that was right across the street from the venue that -they- would be performing, managing to get coveted backstage passes, access to the meet and greet and after party. The last thing was the spa day for tomorrow I had booked, knowing the both of us would be tired, sore from dancing and probably hung over.  I hadn’t told Chyler about this last surprise since it was a very belated birthday present for her.

The beautiful girl next to me bounced on the balls of her feet, her bottom lip caught in between her teeth, reminding you of why I had nicknamed her Bunny all those years ago. “I can’t believe this is actually happening, Mallory!” All the excitement in Chyler’s body leaking through to her voice, making her usually sultry voice higher pitched than normal.

I smiled wide, her frenzy fueling my own. “I know. We’ve been waiting for this for years and the only thing standing in our way are those doors and the guards behind them. Think we can take them?” I laughed sarcastically as I knew the doors would open in just a few more minutes, no real seriousness behind the feeble threat.

This whole trip had been wonderful. Perfect, actually, compared to everything I had gone through to get to this point. The initial disappointment of not being able to snag tickets when they first went on sale, having sold out in a matter of seconds, had almost derailed the whole trip. But I hadn’t been able to spend time with my bestie in months, real life had taken control as we both received very generous offers from hospitals miles apart from each other, so even if the concert fell through, I was still dragging her with me out of town for the weekend. I thought back to how Chyler and I first meet. Both nervous first-year nursing students, set up as lab partners and the two of us had been inseparable since then. We were each other's rock. She was there for me when I didn’t think I would make it out of school, and, likewise, I had been there for her when things had gotten rough for her.

A noise pulled me out of your memories before they had a chance to turn too dark, thinking about what had happened to the loveliest person in my life. I glanced down at my phone, seeing that it was time for the doors to open. Wide-eyed, I turned to the ball of buzzing energy next to me. “It’s time, Bunny!”

The next few minutes flew by in a rush. As Chyler and I had been in the front of the line, the two of us felt the full surge of the mass of people press towards us when the doors opened. We didn’t have to be at the front of the line since the tickets had seemingly scored by magic allowed us to move freely backstage, but the slight elitist in me wanted to be at the front. I will always thank whatever was out there that had persuaded me to enter that contest, thinking it was a long shot and I had no actual chance at winning everything the two of us would be treated to once we got past the doors.

The two of us sailed through the security measures that had been put in place. Having read that bags would be checked, I had only brought my cell phone with you, along with my ID and debit card, all of which I managed to tuck into the pocket of my low rise jeans. I adjusted my pants slightly after getting through the metal detectors, feeling mild discomfort at how much skin I was showing, but no matter how much I tugged your jeans up or pulled my barely cropped halter top down, there was still a fair bit of my lower waist and back showing.

“How many times do I have to tell you, Mallory?” My friend hung on your arm. “You look fucking hot! Stop trying to hide all the time. You worked your ass off, literally, for how awesome you look. Be proud. And besides, none of these people care what you look like and you’ll never see them again.”

Knowing she was right, I tried my best to give myself the confidence that Chyler was radiating towards me. Smiling at her, I nod. “It’s still an hour and a half before they get on stage. Do you want to go check out the merch before we head backstage?” She smiled in agreement and the two of us went to see what we could spend our hard earned money on.

The next hour or so was spent surrounded by exasperated parents who had hordes of preteen girls in tow. Late teens, whose hormones were beyond control, talking about all the sordid things they with do just to get a chance to go backstage, and the occasional mid-twenty year old, who I could tell by the way they looked at the younger people around had been following -them- since the beginning, just like I had. I took my phone out of my pocket, now very aware of the fact that there were only thirty minutes left before the show started. I grabbed my bunny’s hand and dragged her with me, trying to fight my way out of the crowd, looking for the signs that would lead to backstage.

15 minutes later, Chyler and I were stand in front of two rather imposing men who had “Security” plastered across their chest, as if their demeanor didn’t let me or anyone else know that they had no problem removing someone from the situation if it was needed. I smiled coolly at them and their eyes narrowed, probably thinking that I was about to proposition them like I had heard the teens say they were going to do. Hastily, we both showed the magical piece of plastic that was hanging off our necks. The pass that would allow us access beyond them. The guards' lips drew out into thin lines before they nodded and moved aside to let us through.

Sighing softly at not receiving any further hassle from security, we make your way through the various techs, wardrobe managers, makeup artist, back up dancers and other members of the staff, finding your way over to the side of the stage, having dragged my bewildered friend by her wrist with me. Neither of us had ever done something like this, we had always been with the rest of the mob that we had left behind once we had gotten past security, but it appeared I was adjusting to it more rapidly than my precious bunny, her eyes the widest I had ever seen them.

Gently, I wrapped my arms around her, having seen the slight flash of panic set in. “It’s okay, bunny. I’ve got you. We’re here to have an amazing time. Just breathe with me.” I took in deep breaths, waiting for Chyler to follow my lead. After a few breaths like that, she finally took in a large lung full of air and exhaled it slowly, before inhaling in time with my own. This is what I meant when we were each other’s rock. We both knew each other well enough to see when things were starting to go wrong. Chyler always built me up and I was the only person who knew how to break her out of her panics.

She looked up at me, unshed tears just starting to fill her eyes that were quickly blinked away before they had a chance to fall. She took another substantial breath and nodded, her shy smile hinting her lips as her cheeks flushed slightly with embarrassment.  

Just then, the lights in the building went out, though there was enough illumination backstage that I knew Chyler saw my own eyes get wide with excitement. “Here we go, bun!” I smiled before grabbing her hand in my own, lacing my fingers in hers as I turned to face the stage.

Seven figures walked out on to the expansive set that had been built for them. I didn’t think anyone but those who were backstage could see their outlines since the expected uproar from the rest of the audience never came. At least, not until the bass from one of their more recent hits started thrumming through the stacks and stacks of speakers and amplifiers. Just as the main synthesizer was about to start up, the sound of feedback broke into the venue, making everyone clutch at their ears in pain. But the feedback didn’t stop. It only got worse, then started to fade in and out, getting louder and louder each time until it started to form into a very familiar sound.

The sound of my fucking alarm……

| Chapter 1 |

[filthy-reckless-rp]

Congratulations Beth! Blair Waldorf is all yours. We love the way you see her character, the way you really know her, and it’s clear the group will be better with you in it. As Serena’s player I have to say I’m over the MOON about how you see the relationship between the two, and I’m sure Paige feels the same about Blair and Nate’s relationship. Just based on your para sample I can already tell you know her inside and out. Can’t wait to start roleplaying with you!

Please send your account in within 24 hrs. If you need more time just let us know! Remember to open your ask and submit. We also have a Whatsapp group for members; if you would like to be added just let us know. Finally, we currently have an event going on. All the information can be found here if you would like Blair to participate!

*FC change to Danielle Camp has been accepted*

—Admin C

Name: Beth

Age: 25

Pronouns: she/her

Timezone: EST

Do you have any triggers?: RFP

How active are you? (Please describe in words): Right now, I’m a barista, and I run one roleplay, and that is the limit of my commitments. I’m on tumblr 99% of the time and usually log in every other day at least, if not every day for replies.

How did you find out about us?: some of your homies aka Paige and Katy <3

What made you apply?: I love Blair! She’s one of my favorite characters of all time, so powerful and strong and intelligent, yet so misguided in how she uses that. The show was so fun and full of ups and downs, and I’d love to be able to explore that world in my own writing.

Canon Application:

Character Name: Blair Cornelia Waldorf

Why do you want this character?: Blair Waldorf and I go way back. Before the show was even a thought in the minds of network execs, I was reading the old school Gossip Girl books, becoming well acquainted with this demon of a lady. I related to Blair in many ways; the one that really struck a chord was the relationship she had with Serena. Always coming in second place, which left her in a tough spot: loving the stuffing out of her best friend, but being fed up with never getting where or what she wanted. The more I read about Blair, the more I understood her and empathized. I rooted for her, and I took to the parts of her that I understood best. Those I didn’t, I adopted into my own personality until I did. I was ecstatic when the show came around, and couldn’t have been more pleased with Leighton Meester and her golden portrayal of the character who had become one of my best friends. I fell away from the show during season two, when that teacher gave Blair a B and then cut her dream of Yale into little pieces (it was way too painful to watch my girl suffer like that, y’all!), but eventually went back and finished. Although the books and the show went different ways, the essence of Blair always remained, as has my love of her. BASICALLY I just love Blair and miss having her in my life. <3

Any changes? (If you wish to change an FC please discuss it with us, off anon, beforehand): I’d love to use Danielle Campbell if that’s okay!

Wanted connections?: I’m open to anything and everything! I believe Serena and Nate are an item now in the rp, so I’d love to chat with their players and get a feel for where her relationships with them stand before I move forward with everyone else. But outside of that, I’m good with anything! (Even if Blair isn’t lol. ALL THE MORE FUN!!!)

Character’s birthday: November 15 (WHICH IS ALSO MINE!!!!)

3 virtues and 3 flaws, explaining each:

+ ambitious: Once Blair Waldorf sets her eyes on something, she’s bound to get it. Why? Not through luck or crossed fingers. No, Blair Waldorf works hard for what she wants. The concept might be laughable to those who don’t know her well. After all, Blair is privileged, both financially and socially. While the upper hand she was born with does have its perks, Blair is well aware that she won’t be guaranteed anything. She’s not the only one with privilege galore, and sometimes, that means finding another way to stand out. That means fierce determination, and using the gifts she was given to spin her own web.

- manipulative: One of the many gifts Blair has been given is her ability to manipulate. It’s not her greatest gift, nor is it the most helpful, but it’s one that comes to her most easily. Lying, scheming, twisting circumstance in her direction— Blair’s capable of pulling off all of the above, and with gold stars as rewards for just how well she does them. Most of the time, though, her efforts end up backfiring in her face. Blair might have learned that hard work is key, but next will (hopefully) come the lesson of channeling that hard work into the right place. For now— Well, what would Gossip Girl have to talk about if it wasn’t for Blair’s scheming, anyway?

+ independent: Although there are moments that Blair resents her mother for the affection she seems to show every important thing in her life but her own daughter, she’s at least grateful for the important trait it gave her: independence. The Upper East Side might be posh and glamorous, filled to the brim with people who are well taken care of by others – whether it be their parents, their spouses, or their ancestors – but money and power only go so far if you don’t know how to use them. Her mother might not be as present as Blair likes, but those long years of keeping herself on top of her homework assignments and planning grocery lists for Dorota have at least resulted in a self-sufficient girl who’s ready to head out into the world.

- insecure: Just because Blair is confident in her ability to get by doesn’t mean she’s confident in everything. The lower layers of Maslow’s hierarchy might have been easy to master, but she struggles about halfway up (although what teenager doesn’t?) She’s independent, sure, but what about her is so wrong that her mother can’t be bothered to check in every now and again? If Serena’s got the power to captivate her mother (and Nate, and Gossip girl, and everyone else), then clearly Blair’s missing something, isn’t she? What if Yale’s looking for that special x factor she’s never been able to find? What if—

+ loving: *EATING DISORDER CW* Blair knows too well how terrible it is to be made to feel like a C-lister by the people most important to you. She tries to never do that to those close to her—at least, not if they don’t deserve it. To her inner circle, Blair is supportive and consoling. She’s never missed one of Nate’s lacrosse games, and even when Serena is commanding more attention from him than Blair can stand, she’s there with a pint of ice cream and the ingredients to whatever Serena’s favorite cocktail recipe is that week if she’s having a hard time (she’s even so kind as to wait until she gets home to purge her share). If you’re on her good side, you’re practically guaranteed copious amounts of love and support from Blair. At least until she deems you unworthy of it.

- jealous: Blair puts her loved ones so high up on a pedestal (though they do come falling down quite often), and she expects the same. When she isn’t given the same amount of attention, affection, or support she shows another person, she takes this as a heavy blow—especially when there are others getting the love she deserves. In Blair’s eyes, no one works as hard as she does. No one cares as much as she does. And if that’s true, then who deserves more attention or recognition than her? No one, that’s who.

If you don’t get this character, who would be your second choice?: I’d be down for just about anyone. SEND ME YOUR RECS!

Para Sample: *def not hc-ing this as having happened or god-moding or anything; just thought it would be a fun way to explore her insecurities with Serena! so sorry if Serena is OOC in this D:*

Blair had gotten her first fake ID when she was fourteen years old.

She still remembered the thickness of the plastic between her fingers, down to the millimeter. It was different than the card they’d given her at Constance Billard; she wasn’t sure if that was a good sign, or a bad one. Would that be something the bouncers would look for? Would it be a red flag? She remembered looking nervously at her picture, tiny and bright with blush and lipstick that she’d caked on to look older. While Serena had fluttered around her closet, deciding on an outfit for the big night, Blair had frowned at her clownish looking picture, nervousness caking the lining of her veins like cholesterol as the hour drew closer. If she didn’t have a panic attack by the time they got into the club opening, she would absolutely have a heart attack instead.

The line went on forever, rounding the corner to the next block. Great. She could already hear her heart beating in her ears, thunderously loud. By the time they made it to the front of the line, it would drown out the music inside.

“Oh, no, We’re not waiting in this!” Blair thought that confusion was almost worst, at least until they came face to face with one of the three bouncers and she realized what Serena was doing. She quickly narrowed her eyes and tried to put on a brave face, but she thought she saw one of the bouncers watching her knees quake together. “Excuse me, sir, but—”

“Twenty-one and up,” the bouncer smirked. Serena presented her ID proudly. All three of the bouncers had crowded together at this point—more so to get a look at Serena rather than her flamboyantly falsified identity. “Alright. You can go on in.” The crowd behind them groaned as the second bouncer allowed Serena through the velvet rope ahead of them. “But you—”

“I look just as old as she does!” It was a stupid thing to say, possibly the stupidest, but Blair couldn’t take it back. Instead, she shoved her ID under the bouncer’s nose. “Twenty-two.”

The bouncer opened his mouth again without even looking at the card—

“She’s with me,” Serena said, grabbing Blair by the wrist and pulling her past the rope before anyone could argue. “Someone’s got to make sure I get home in time for Philosophy 300. Thanks, guys!”

As Blair sipped on her martini at the very same bar Serena had slipped her into all those years ago, her frown was far more sour than the drink. She tried to remember the last time Serena had given her something rather than taken it away— But as she thought about it, that was all she could come up with. Her mother, her friends, Nate— Blair pushed her martini back and swung her purse over her shoulder. She’d taken this place, too: she’d tainted it with her memory. What would be next? Yale?

“Taxi!” Blurs of yellow bullets sped past her on the shockingly empty New York street. Blair pounded her heel into the cement and screeched. “TAXI!” One halted in front of her immediately. Pleased with herself, Blair bounced into the backseat of the car, high on a newfound independence. How silly it was to think she needed Serena to get what she needed.

She was Blair Waldorf, after all. She just had to remember that.

[purplesurveys]

1218

Have you ever been to Australia?  Nope. Not really on top of my travel lists when it comes down to it, but it would be lovely to visit nonetheless. I'd be most excited to try their local food.

Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Kate, our HR officer.

Are you wearing a necklace? If so, describe it.  I am not.

Do you know anyone who is left-handed? Aya. But we’re not really friends anymore.

Ever wear out a CD? What was it?  I don’t think so. I’ve broken CDs before but it was always because I had been a kid then and I constantly mishandled them.

What’s your favorite card game? I’m not into card games.

What’s your favorite fast food meal?  I usually flock to burgers and fries. Fast food rice is blechhh so I never get any meals with them, which are usually paired with fried chicken.

Where is the best restaurant you’ve ever eaten in at?  Torch. Prices are no joke either, so I don’t get to order from there a lot.

Lamb chops or pork chops?  I have pork chops more frequently and I love them, but I’d go with lamb chops. More expensive so I get them less often, but I do like the taste of lamb more.

If you HAD to pick ONE song to listen to for the rest of your life, and that would be the only song you ever heard, what would it be?  I imagine this would be so inconvenient after just a few hours...but idk. Based on my mood now, maybe Still With You by Jungkook.

Ever heard of Shinedown?  I have. I used to have a mutual who was obsessed with them. Never listened to their music, though.

What size is your bed?  Just a twin-size.

What is the first meal you remember eating?  I no longer remember that.

What was the first movie you ever saw?  Stuart Little 2.

What percentile of your class were you in?  I’m not sure about percentile, but I was just above average. Never topped the class but wasn’t behind academically, either. In our batch of around 165, I remember my ranking peaking at like 26. I don’t know what the equivalent percentile for that is.

Can you name every place you’ve ever had sex?  Yeah, I didn’t like being too adventurous anyway.

What forms of birth control have you used?  Same-sex relationship.

Do you use sponges or dishcloths when doing the dishes?  Sponge. OMG I hate touching wet cloths/fabric.

What’s your favorite song on the top twenty right now?  Butter.

Ever punched a wall?  Nope.

What was the last bug you killed and what did you use?  An ant. My finger.

Ever get pulled over by the cops and get away without a ticket?  Yes, because he noticed I was in uniform, as were my orgmates then. And I’m guessing it was also because he could tell we were all young, so he let us go.

What was your first legal alcoholic drink? A margarita, I think? < Hey, same!

What’s the most expensive things your parents ever bought you?  My education.

What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought?  I’ve spent the most on my merch collection so far; but as for an individual item, I’ve spent close to 5k on a photobook set. I haven’t really ventured out to start spending on more adulting stuff yet, lol.

What is your favorite cover song?  Paramore’s cover of Passionfruit by Drake, or Hayley Williams’ cover of Teardrop by Massive Attack.

Did you ever drop out of school?  Nope, I did everything in one go.

Ever raise a child that wasn’t your own for more than 3 months?  I have not.

Strangest medical procedure ever performed on you?  I’ve only had basics done on me. 

Does the place you work have music playing? What sort?  The extremely few times I had to go to the physical office, my co-workers put on some music, yeah. It had been a very chill atmosphere and they simply turned on YouTube on the TV and put on a playlist of BTS and Taylor Swift songs.

Do you use Windows, Mac, Linux, or something else entirely?  Mac.

Do you cut tags out of clothing so they don’t itch and bother you?  Yes, I hate how the tags feel for the most part. The only time I don’t cut them off is if the brand is on the pricey side.

How many times a year do you go on vacation?  Under normal circumstances, around 3-5 with my family.

What is your favorite time period in history to learn about?  It’s easier for me to say what periods I find a little boring: medieval/dark ages and anything about wars. Every other period I’d happily soak up like a sponge.

What’s the saddest report you have ever seen on the news?  Mmmh, probably kids dying from freak accidents and seeing the parents get interviewed. Just last night I had to hear about a 4 year old who ran towards a car while playing outside. Hearing the dad cry and plead was gut-wrenching.

In your honest opinion, what is the scariest sea creature you know?  Idk, maybe those that live in the super deep sea and look nothing like what we would usually perceive as normal sea creatures.

What superpower do you think would be the most handy in times of trouble?  I guess it would have to depend on the issue you find yourself stuck in. But I think being able to control time would be convenient, since you can just easily undo mistakes.

Do you believe there is just one love for everyone, or…?  No. That would invalidate experiences for a lot of people. :/

Why are you best friends with your best friend?  She’s always been supportive and stuck by my side no matter what I’ve been through. We also have great chemistry and have always shared the same sense of goofy humor.

Do you world peace is truly a possibility in the future?  No.

Pretend you are a really good cook, what meal would you make?  I’d just make sashimi everyday.

What do you think of when you look at the stars?  I tend to reminisce when I do so. Think about what’s happened in the past, people who’ve left, what I’ve lost...and that there’s probably good reason why things are the way they are now.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Dead? Their shells are part of their actual skeletal structure. < Well there we go.

What’s one thing you feel you must do in your life before it ends?  Travel the world.

What Disney princess are you most like? Personality-wise, I mean.  Ariel. Pretty fucking clumsy, prioritizes the wrong things out of love.

What do you think is the most important thing in this life is?  Happiness.

Do you use any acne medication?  Nah, I just splash my face with water every morning.

Have you ever tried to learn another language? How did it go?  [This survey seems to be a mix of a few surveys, so some of the questions - like this, I’ve already answered. I’ll be striking out the ones I’ve already delved on but if you’ll take this survey as well, feel free to remove the strike!]

Do you still have a landline phone in your home?

Throughout a typical week, which places are you likely to go?  LOL just home. I work from home, and I’m usually exhausted during the weekend to want to go out.

How often do you use your webcam, if you even have one that is?  A few times a week for work. Most of the time we communicate just through audio, but there are a few meetings or clients that prefer video.

Do you have a lock number or pattern for your phone?  It’s a number combination, but I seldom get to use it. I usually rely on thumb ID.

What was the last thing you bought from a liquor store?  Not a liquor store but I just got a few bottles of beer from 7-Eleven.

Is there any cereal in your house? What kind?  We don’t. We’re not really a big cereal-eating family.

What's the most number of people you've ever lived with?  11. That’s a set of grandparents (2), my family (4), my mom’s older brother’s family (4), and my mom’s younger brother (1).

Do you celebrate St. Patrick's Day? 

Do you have any pets? How long have you had them?  I have two. 13 years with Kimi, a year with Cooper.

What's your favourite kind of cheese?  Feta and mozzarella.

Have you danced in the rain?  Once or twice, when I was a lot younger.

Who is your favorite person to text?  I don’t text anymore, but I frequently communicate with Angela on Messenger.

What’s your favorite brand of jeans?  My favorite pair is from Zara, but I don’t have a go-to brand for jeans per se.

Do you enjoy Mario games?  Not all of them, but sure.

What’s your favorite online game? I don’t play games.

Have you ever been hit with a ball in gym class?  Possibly. Not remarkable enough for me to remember though.

Who was last to cook for you?  Dad.

Would you ever wish to explore a cave?  I would love to. I had the chance to explore one during our trip to Sagada, but the tour guide decided against it since I had the wrong footwear and it wasn’t going to be safe if I tried. :( I did get to go to the underground cave in Palawan though, and that was a really fun experience.

You see the person you fell hardest for. What do you do?  I’d give her a small, polite/curt smile and maybe wave, then go on with whatever it was I’ve been doing. Of course, I doubt it would actually go that way because I believe she’d run for the hills if she ever spotted me.

Have you ever ridden in a car with someone who was high?  No. I would refuse to, especially if they were the one driving.

Did you ever date the last person you kissed?  Yeah, for too long.

Have you ever held a snake?  I have! A few times.

How often do you have friends over to your house?  Almost never. Angela and Hans coming over for Sowoozoo two weeks ago was just an exception.

Have you ever had a boss who acted unprofessionally?  No, I wouldn’t say that.

Who was the last person who cried around you? Why did they start crying? Was it unexpected? 

Do you have any exercises you do everyday?

Are you more of a dog or cat person? 

Have you ever had a dream of stabbing someone? 

Would you ever have a bird as a pet? 

Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? 

Do you know someone who’s been cremated? 

What is your favorite animated movie? 

Did your grandparents teach you anything?  Just some religion stuff and how to be a nice Catholic and all. Doesn’t apply to me, obvs, but I still outwardly listen out of respect.

Do you want/have a Bachelor's degree?  Yes.

Are you into superheroes? Who's your favourite?  I am most definitely not. 

Have you ever played Cards Against Humanity? Did you like it?  Sure, a few times. Yes, it was fun and hilarious.

Have you ever played a drinking game? Which ones?  Just the basic ones like truth or dare and never have I ever.

Did you ever play Neopets when you were younger?

Have you ever been to Mexico?  No, but would be nice to travel there.

Have your parents ever worked in medicine? No, not their field.

Is there anything unusual about your house?  We don’t have a gate, which has always bugged me.

How many serious relationships have you been in?  One.

Do you listen to Rise Against?  Much more when I was in high school. I haven’t revisited their music in years.

When was the last time you congratulated someone?  Reggy since she posted her graduation portrait the other day.

Have you ever taken care of a newborn baby?  Nah.

How old were you when you got your ears pierced?  Like a month old, I believe.

Do you snore when you sleep?  Rarely. A snore or two would usually come out only if I’m extremely exhausted.

What was the last type of burger you ate?  A Baconator from Wendy’s.

[inputgarlic92]

Take a View at the State of the Art iPhones

Customers probably concur with me that iPhone X layout was one of the very best, and that is precisely why Apple chose to keep the exact same look for their next pair of personal cell phones. Introduced a year ago, it is the very first Apple smart phone to remove the main button. In the other, I held its brand-new successor, the iPhone Xs. My eyes squeezed closed, and I passed them back and forth between my hands, rolling each phone over, feeling the curves, glass backs, dual lens camera lumps, and radar vents. I realized I could not tell the difference between both phones. This is not a criticism. It is just a fact of S model years, where Apple locks in the iPhone layout and concentrates, instead, on upgrading key internal parts. As such, the biggest changes to this 5.8-inches iPhone Xs and its big brother, the 6.5-inch iPhone Xs Max, both of which I tested, could be discovered in performance (thanks to the newest A12 Bionic CPU), photos and videos, (new digital cameras and a new ISP endorsed by the A12), along with functionality (iOS12, the final version of which came pre-applied on my test components ). The outcome is a pair of brilliant, tasteful, and high-performing gadgets which can please iPhone enthusiasts and receive over a couple of looks in Android cellphones. It has the exact rigid surgical metal frame wrapped into a fresh glass substance that Apple said was formulated to be scratch tolerant and heavy duty. I gave the phones a few half-hearted drops onto a thin-pile rug but was not prepared to let them slide away on concrete. Thus far I have discovered just one very nice scratch on your iPhone Xs Max. So let's consider them scratch-resistant, but still not scratch-proof. The larger iPhone Xs Max shares all of the iPhone X's content and layout attributes, but does this in a 6.2-inch x 3.05-inch x 0.30-inch body. In 208 g, it's much thicker than the iPhone Xs. The Xs Max is a hair shorter (0.04 inches) and narrower (0.02 inches), but it is also a few grams heavier than the Iphone 8 Plus, the big-screen phone that from a space the Iphone Xs Max most resembles. Button positioning power/sleep, volume controls, ring/silent switch -- will be the exact same. But, there is one minor chassis gap. On the bottom edge of the telephones sits the lightning connector. It is book-ended by a pair of holes that adapt one half of their stereo speaker system and one of the telephone's microphones. There was six holes on both sides. Now the ideal side has six slots, but the left, which just houses a mike, has just three. This little change was done, in part, to adapt the new internal antenna setting that contains 4x4 MIMO and License Assisted Access, which utilizes unlicensed 5 GHz spectrum to deliver 1 Gbps broadband over LTE. Apple updated the water and also dust-resistance rating to IP 68, that contrasts to the handsets surviving in 2 meters of water for as much as half an hour. I didn't get to go swimming together with the Iphone Xs or even Xs Max, but did operate the latter phone under water, juice and milk. Then, as recommended, I dried and shut off the smart phone. I was careful not to plug it into a lighting cable (that is a no-no after a dowsing) but did place it on a wireless charging foundation at which it had no trouble accepting a fee. Apple, incidentally, said it put some work in creating the wireless charging platform (basically the concealed coils within the phone) more forgiving. This is good news, because I've on more than one occasion, awakened to find my iPhone X didn't charge because I placed it a little off-axis on the charging base. I never ran into this issue with either the iPhone Xs or even Xs Max. The Iphone Xs and iPhone Xs Max bodies are rigid and robust-feeling, but torqueable, especially the larger telephone, which really makes a tiny clicking sound when I attempt to twist it. Clearly, I have only had those iPhones for weekly, but based on a calendar year's encounter with the first iPhone X (allowed, largely in a sparse instance ), I consider this design framework tough and prepared for the long haul. Even as Samsung trolls Apple to its black cutout at the top of this Iphone Xs and Xs Max, Apple reveals no clues of moving back in the multi-feature technology, which grew nor slipped in the hottest iPhones. As with the first TrueDepth Module, that one is still packed with the same elements (none of that, so much as I could tell, have been updated). There is a 7 MP camera, dot projector for thickness sensing, infrared camera (thickness sensing), flood illuminator (yes, too for depth-sensing), proximity sensor, ambient light detector, the second half of the stereo speaker program, along with a mic. On the backs of both the Iphone Xs and Xs Max, there is more of the custom made glass, the Apple Logo, the word Iphone (but no"X" or"s"), along with also the 12 MP dual camera system. This vertically-oriented, pill-shaped camera module appears exactly the same as it did to the last iPhone X. It's still a prominent bump, but at least it did not get any bigger. Within the module is new hardware supported by new picture technologies, but more on that later. I have always thought that the 5.8-inch iPhone X an excellent tradeoff between a big-screen phone and hand-friendly ergonomics. The screen is big and immersive, however, the human body is comfortable to hold and pocket. The iPhone Xs Max by contrast can, particularly if you're utilized to holding a smaller phone, feel large. It is not embarrassing to hold, but people with smaller hands will probably struggle with one-handed usage and will most likely wish to turn on Reachability, which having a swipe back on the flat bar moves everything halfway down the screen, which makes it longer reachable. Nonetheless, the trade-off could possibly be well worth it. I forgot how much I like the bigger iPhone screen, and on the iPhone Xs Max, you receive a lot more display without contending with a larger phone (there's just that 0.04-inch height difference between the iPhone 8 Plus and the iPhone Xs Max). Apple's full-stack control of the Iphone design, development, and manufacturing process pays dividends throughout the gleaming handset. Nonetheless, it's most noticeably from the silicon, which can be created and designed in tandem with the hardware and software elements that will rely on it. This past Year, Apple delivered the A11 Bionic, a powerful portable CPU with built-in Artificial Intelligence Power. The brand new A12 Bionic assembles on this brief legacy having a more strong Neural Engine and much more impressive graphics functionality. Anytime I critique a new iPhone, I begin using Geekbench 4 to check out the raw CPU operation. To ensure there are minimum background processes moving, I usually run the exam before I have set up one program. I conducted the Geekbench CPU routine and (along with understanding that Apple stuffed an additional gig of memory inside the brand new Xs class iPhones) saw the only core scores had improved somewhat between the A11 Bionic along with A12 Bionic. On the other hand, that the multi-core score was strangely lower. Not by a lot, but I had never seen that occur. The numbers were much higher than what I got from Qualcomm's Snapdragon 845, however a decrease effect on the new iPhone did not make sense. However, when I reran the Geekbench CPU test per day or so after, the A12 multi-core numbers defeat those of the A11. My guess is that, even though I set up the iPhone Xs and Xs Max as fresh iPhones, there might nevertheless have been a background installation process going on that dragged down the CPU numbers. The bigger leap in functionality is from the Geekbench Compute Metal score, which leapt from 15,145 on the iPhone X into 22,245 about the Iphone Xs and Xs Max. Apple's done a great deal of work to beef up images performance, especially for the raft of ARKit 2 (and Metal 2) software heading into the platform, some of which can support multiplayer gambling. While there aren't a lot of ARKit 2 programs in the app shop, I'd get some hands-on time using an Iphone Xs running Galaga AR, the identical demo Apple showed off throughout the iPhone Xs unveiling. To play with, me and a few other writers stood about a desk and pointed out our phones at the Galaga video arcade game console. Shortly, alien attackers began streaming first from the video game display and then from all around us. I swung the telephone from side-to-side up and up and down to view and then take the incoming assault. It was fast-paced and cool. In the same way, I have seen , together with ARKit two, the phone can place, say, an incredibly realistic virtual pressure stove or sneaker to a real table or in my feet, the illusion divided only once I slid my hand into the frame and, even about the iPhone Xs screen, it looked just like my notes had been stuck beneath the kettle. You can not support these types of real-virtual mixes without ample graphics horsepower, thickness mapping, and the AI needed to identify the way surfaces, shadows, and even reflections will work on virtual items in an actual space. This processing power also helped amp up more ordinary operations such as Face ID. While the process of registering my face was unchanged from the first iPhone X, opening either telephone with my head, as well as using Face ID to access password-protected apps and solutions, is clearly quicker than it had been on the iPhone X. In general, in real-world programs, both iPhone Xs and Xs Max operate smoothly. Apple place tremendous effort into enhancing the picture and video experience to the Iphone Xs and Xs Max. Along with new lenses along with a larger detector, both the cameras (rear and selfie) are all backed with a brand new image signal processor. The specs on the dual cameras have been untouched by the iPhone X (and would be the exact same on both iPhone Xs and Xs Max). There is the 1.8 wide angle lens and the f 2.4 2X telephoto. Both comprise optical image stabilization and may shoot up to 4K video in 60 fps. They still take slow-motion video at up to 240 frames per minute. If you want insane 960 fps super-slo-mo, then you will have to visit Samsung. From the pure-play digital photography race, even however, Apple requires the head. The Smart HDR uses detector, ISP, and neural enhancements to catch some of the greatest high-dynamic range photos I've ever seen. The difference between what was possible on the first iPhone X along with the Xs and Xs Max is stunning. Apple built a system able of capturing two frames every thirtieth of a moment, and instantly assessing and combining them into one image that preserves not only foreground and background detail, but can freeze actions without presenting tremendous grain. In many images, I saw the iPhone Xs and Xs Max find colour and detail in shadowy spaces with out wasting out the brighter locations. The Samsung Galaxy Note 9 is also an outstanding low light shot, however I feel the Xs line is a bit better. I am particularly impressed by how Apple's built upon its own pole position in Portrait Mode digital photography. Apple introduced Portrait Mode back in 2016 with all the iPhone 7 Plus (the applications lagged from the hardware). Since then, Apple's elegant the concept, adding things like Studio Light, Contour Light, Stage Light, and Stage Light Mono. All these features remain, and are somewhat improved. That which I love and also, as an amateur photographer who often plays with f-stops for just the ideal depth of field change, is that the brand new Depth Control. Depth Control enables you to take a Portrait Mode photo and adjust the Bokeh, or depth of field focus, after you shoot the photos. This works with both the front and rear cameras, which means that the image processor is using two distinct sorts of depth information. On the back, it has the advantage of two lenses to become stereoscopic info. The leading camera counts on the depth-sensing components. I am aware of, Samsung's Galaxy Notice 9 provides the capacity to correct background focus while you're taking the image, in addition to after. But, there's an essential difference here that is evident in the iPhone Xs and Xs Max Depth picture editor. It is a slider that lets you adjust smoothly from an electronic f 1.4 aperture into a digital f16. In a real camera with a mechanical aperture, even high amounts interpret to sharper focus in the backdrop and reduced numbers imply the focus depth is much shallower. About the Galaxy Notice 9, Live Focus basically sees the images as two planes: the foreground and background. The slider blurs the background airplane. The Iphone Xs's depth slider relies on all of the depth information to reduce or enhance background attention through all of the airplanes between the front of this subject and the desktop. Combined with the improved Portrait Mode stitching (handling how the subject and a blurred background match together), the subtlety of this effect through the array of virtual f-stops is impressive and, Apple's explained, is modeled by how actual lenses with hardware apertures would influence each image. For most people the smart phone is their camera. This sets a pro-level controller in the hands of millions of individuals, that are about to start taking some genuinely fantastic face pictures. Just after taking regular shots, video, and 4K, I remain surprised with the quality of photos and videos coming from their Iphone Xs and Xs Max. Sure, it is odd that the larger Xs Max does not, as could be tradition, have some improved image capturing attributes, however I doubt anyone is going to be dismayed with the picture quality delivered by either new smartphone. There are a couple of other hardware-related improvements, like the guaranteed dual-sim technologies that enables multiple phone numbers (believe work and individual numbers of one telephone ) through the aid of eSIM technologies. Unlike routine SIMs, you don't need a carrier card solely for the provider to support it and enable it on your cell phone. It's a wonderful feature that, for obvious reasons, I couldn't test. For audio enthusiasts, there's also the newest stereo recording and also wider-stereo playback. This is just a bit hard to check, and that I occasionally worry my ears are not adequate to detect what might be a more nuanced difference. But, I'd find a way. I listed , in landscape style, a few cars traveling by. These start on the left side of this screen and push to the rightside. In movie I recorded with the iPhone Xs, the noise travels from one side of the telephone to the other. Playback on the iPhone X is pretty loud however does not have the identical level of separation audio.

Clearly, movies with a lot of sound engineering aren't only great showcases for the amazing displays, but highlight the new, wider stereo playback abilities as well. As hardware/software partnerships go, you can't do better than the Apple iPhone Xs and iOS 12. I have been operating betas of their new portable OS for months on my iPhone X and found it impressively smooth and stable. On the Iphone Xs and Xs Max, it gets even better partners. In addition to butter-smooth and lighting rapid operation (in games, video, and internet browsing), the augmented reality abilities introduced in iOS 11, ARKit, and the iPhone X are more refined and customizable from iOS 12 along with the Iphone Xs. The smart assistant is a better listener than ever, and getting smarter. Her speech is more conversational and she's requesting follow-up questions. Siri can be more proactive, discovering connections between disparate items such as schedules and locations and offering them in advance. Additionally, there are a variety of third party programs tapping into Siri, letting you use only your voice to get program attributes and data without even opening the app. You are able to install iOS 12 on your old iPhone (down to this Iphone 5s), however not all of attributes, especially those between AR, will work on the older devices. Still, I greatly recommend the upgrade with at least anyone operating an iPhone 7 and up. It is simply a much better, more glossy, proactive, and smart user experience and, to be fair, I've barely scratched the face of all the upgrades and feature enhancements you'll find. Apple asserts 30 minutes more battery life involving the Iphone X and Xs and 90 minutes more with all the Iphone Xs Max. In my experience, both brand new phone will get you through the majority of the afternoon on a single charge. I spent using just the iPhone Xs Max. this article I kept the brightness high and ran all kinds of apps and processes. It lasted just a solid 10 hours. Maybe a bit less than I expected, but still enough for me through the majority of the working day. In all honesty, with less than a week under my belt, it's difficult to offer a complete evaluation of battery life performance. There are many factors and, clearly, battery life is going to be good on brand new phones. Talk to me in 6 months or 1 year, and we're going to see if I'm still happy with battery life. It is not strange that Apple didn't bring down the cost for the brand new $999 Iphone Xs (or hold on the original model and market it at a lower cost ). I'm not even shocked that we finally have an almost $1,100 model or that we're able to pay a whopping $1,449 for the 512 GB Iphone Xs Max (which appears to be the version that I tested). Apple's already demonstrated that individuals will pay virtually anything to get their hands on the newest iPhone. Is $1,000 or more to cover a smart phone? Perhaps, however a lot of us think of the entire cost as opposed to monthly payments? I am, however, a little annoyed that Apple stopped the lightning -to-3.5 millimeter adapter. It is as if, in the past 12 months, we have gotten rid of the Beats and Bose headsets, such as it is a solved problem. Memo to Apple: It is not. What I will say is that these are the iPhones you want. The iPhone Xs does not mess with what I consider a timeless design, and the Xs Max only takes all that is amazing about the iPhone X also enlarges it. As a set, they are equally as beautiful as the original home-button-free Iphone X. The design appears particularly tasteful in a golden finish. Photographers will love the new camera, and also players and content customers will want the big-display iPhone Xs Max. Should you currently own the iPhone X, I still would not update unless you need more realistic augmented reality and also full depth control on your own portraits. For iPhone 6s, 7, 8, and even 8 Plus officers, the iPhone Xs and Xs Max will certainly feel as a giant leap to the foreseeable future.

[supersoldierslover]

Friends Part 4

Summary: You and Bucky are friends for a long time, but lately you start to develop romantic feelings for him. One day one of Tony’s parties everything changes but maybe not the way you wanted or expected.

Paring: Bucky x Reader

Words: 2643

Warnings: Fluffy, loads of Bucky being a cute pie some sexual innuendos and some sexual tension.

Thank you @amrita31199 you are amazing.

credits to the gif owner

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

You take a sip of your coffee as you look at the computer in front of you; you are never going to understand why you accepted a job at the Stark Industries, sure they pay you really well but looking at budgets all day was starting to make you crazy.

To be honest, the budget in front of you is the least of your concerns, it’s been five days since Bucky went on a mission and you still haven’t heard from him. Usually, he texts you to let you know that he was alive and well. But so far nothing, according to Natasha they are fine but the mission is a lot more complicated than they anticipated.

You wish they would be home soon, you hated worrying much, you couldn’t sleep when you were worried.

You almost have a heart attack when you hear your phone ringing, you look at the id caller expecting it to be Dan but no it is Wanda. This is odd she never calls you “Hey Wan is everything fine?” Your mind goes to the worst scenario possible, afraid that something might have happened to Bucky.

“Yes of course everything is fine, I want to take you out for lunch. Then we can go buy some swimsuits, come on it’s going to be so much fun.” You take a deep breath relieved that nothing bad happened, you really should solve the problem with this damn budget in front of you. Your boss would kill you if this ins’t ready by the end of the day “I don’t know, I have a lot of work to do and a meeting in 3 hours and I don’t even know what it’s about.”

“Please, you are working so much this week. You deserve a break, and I am already on the building so get ready I will be there in 5.” You agree not having the energy to argue with her. You are tired and starving , as promised in 5 minutes she is knocking on your office door and taking you to eat a burger.

“So are you gonna tell me why you are working so much? And before you lie to me remember I can read minds and I know that you leave the office almost 8 pm every night.” You take a sip of your iced tea looking at her “It’s nothing, I have things to do and 8 pm is not even that late. It is only some extra hours.”

“Sure tell that to yourself, but you and I know that is too much. But how was your date last night? ” You smile thinking about last night, Dan came to pick you up from the office with some beautiful roses and he took you to a Japanese restaurant close to your home.

Your night was really good, you and Dan talked and laughed all night. You were really starting to like him, being around Dan was reassuring, and he was always trying to make you smile. At the end of the date he walked you home holding your hand, he gave you his jacket when you complained about the cold and when he kissed you in your front door he didn’t’ try to get into your apartment to have sex like any other guy would do.

“He sounds amazing, a really good guy. The kind of guy that would see you in a bikini, blush and say you look beautiful instead of hot.” You smile at her because you don’t doubt that he would do exactly this.

Wanda tells you about all the things she solved about the party, from music to the flavor of the cake as you two eat hamburgers with fries. You were happy to see your friend so excited for something, usually, she is only this happy around Vision , it is nice to see a change in her behavior.

After lunch, you two go to a small boutique to find some bikinis, you want something simple, cute and cheap. Unfortunately for you, Wanda had others plans, she made you try a lot of swimsuits.

After trying on 15 different swimsuits, you really liked a simple black bikini, it had a good support for your boobs and it fit really well.

“I don’t know, you look nice but you could look better.” You look at Wanda rolling your eyes, what she wants from you? “I am just saying, maybe a little color? Something that people can’t take their eyes of you.”

“It’s your birthday, all eyes should be on you. I am fine with this.” You say gesturing to your body “Come on, try this one if you don’t like you can buy that one.” She hands you a red two piece and as you try on you can’t deny you look hot.

The top made your boobs look amazing but was still comfortable enough and the bottoms hid any imperfections you might have. People dream about finding a bikini like this, so you decide to buy it “I knew it you would love this one, it has your name all over it. Come on I will pay for you, consider it an early birthday present."

You only manage to have a decent night of sleep on Saturday, sure you were relieved that you solved your budgets problems on work but this wasn’t the reason. The real reason was that Nat finally texted you saying that Bucky and Steve will arrive in half hour into the compound and more importantly they were fine.

After sleeping for 11 hours you are feeling well rested and ready to face the day. You hated the bad habit that you had to check your phone first thing in the morning, sure sometimes there were important things from work but usually, it was the group chat that you had with the girls and one or two texts from some random people.

Bucky had sent you 5 messages since last night, you smile thinking about him. Doesn’t matter how tired he was he still took the time to text you.

Hey, I am sorry I did no text you soon, but was a complicated mission. I am home now, talk to you tomorrow.

And yes I am okay, kind off I  have a deep cut on my cheek but I am pretty sure that a good night of sleep it will solve all my problems.

Okay, don’t freak out but here is a picture.

The fourth message was a picture of his cheek, it looked awful. The cut was so deep, with so much blood that your heart breaks a little to imagine the pain that he might be in. And the last text made you smile, it was so adorable.

Good morning, I hope I didn’t scare you with the picture I know that you don’t like blood. I am going to be in your house in 10 minutes , for us to have some breakfast. I am bringing bagels and muffins, make some coffee for us.

You look at the clock is being 8 minutes since he texted you, you really should get up and make coffee for the two of you.

“I missed you.” You say opening the door, hugging Bucky. He pulls you closer to his body, kissing your hair “I missed you too, I had to share my bed with Steve one night. Can you imagine sharing the bed with someone that size?”

“I can, I share my bed with you almost every day.” You say looking at the cut in his cheek ,is so much better than the picture he sent  you but still was there. You trace your fingers gently over his cheek, making him lean into your touch “Sorry about the bed, I should buy you a bigger one.”

You laugh, closing your front door “Don’t worry, I kinda like it. Come on let’s eat, I am starving.” You serve coffee for the both of you, sitting on the couch next to him “How was the mission?’ You ask, taking Bucky away from his thoughts “Honestly, I hate undercover missions. Steve is the worst person to be around in these situations.”

You nod, knowing that he is not allowed to give any details “The real question here, doll. You didn’t watch any episodes of This is us while I was away, did you?” You shake your head no “No, I stay working late almost all week, I didn’t cheat on our little tradition.”

A year ago you and Bucky started a tradition to binge watch TV series together. In this one year you two already watched, Parks and Recreation, Modern Family, Riverdale, Friends and the most awkward of all True Blood.

There was so much sex on that show, every time someone on the screen was getting on you were blushing and your mind was in a dirty place where you were the one doing whatever what was happening on the screen with Bucky.

You still have dirty dreams about one of these scenes “So what did you do this week?” You shrug “I worked a lot, really I never worked so much like this past week. I went shopping with Wanda, I baked a cake and I started to watch a Disney Channel show… please don’t judge me but was really good and I finished the first two seasons.”

He laughs taking a sip of his coffee “Sounds like an interesting week, do you still have that cake? And did you sleep, because doesn't sound like it?” You shake your head no “ No for both, but that show was so interesting and sad at the same time with so many life lessons. I need it some emotional support watching and the cake was there, waiting to be eaten."

He pulls you into a hug, saying sarcastic “Poor thing, did you cry?” You nod pouting “A lot.” You say pretending to be sad “Do you want to cry some more and watch another episode of This Is Us while we eat?” You nod, turning on the TV.

You don’t even notice the 40 minutes of the episode passing, or that your head is on Bucky’s shoulder or the tears in your eyes “Oh crap I have to get ready for the party, we have to be there in half hour.” You say when you notice that you two would be late if you didn't start to get ready now.

In your room, you strip really fast, putting the swimsuit but you are so nervous that you can’t tie the knot correctly. You take a deep breath, looking at yourself in the mirror before calling Bucky “Hey can you come here for a second?” In a few seconds, he enters your room, but he stops in the middle of the way when he sees what you are wearing “Wow, you look really good.”

“Thank you, can you tie me up?” You ask turning around, showing that you are holding your bikini up on your boobs “Sure thing.” He takes your hair out of your back,  tying up the bikini for you “Make it firm, I don’t want to be topless on the pool.”

He laughs, making tighter “You know that I am super soldier, right? If I make this too tight you will never be able to get it off and I would have to rip off you.” You shiver at his words, especially because the way he said was so sexy “Please… don’t do this. Bikinis are expensive.”

You say putting the first shirt you saw, trying to cover your chest “Well if you need any help to get out of this ,you know where to find me.” He says giving you your shorts, you finish getting in a few minutes. Putting your shorts, some sunglasses and your hair up you were ready to go.

When you and Bucky arrive to the party, Wanda pulls you to hug and you can see that she is already a little tipsy, which is odd in two years you never saw her drunk “You are late, Vision is shirtless and he has abs. Can you believe abs!” You laugh giving her, her present “Thank youuuu, you didn’t have too. Be here I will find a drink for you.”

You take off your shirt looking for someone to keep you company, you doubt that you would see Wanda soon “Hey boys.” You say seeing Steve and Sam talking close to the pool “Hey, you look good, this explain why Bucky ran away for his bedroom.” You hit Sam arms “Don’t be gross, Sam.”

Steve laughs giving you a beer, you thank him “You know your boyfriend is here.” Your attention comes back to Sam as he says this, you don’t know what he is talking about it. You never invited Dan like Wanda wanted “What? I don’t have a boyfriend.” Sam rolls his eyes at you “Fine, your date Dan. Last time I saw him he was talking with Tony by the grill.”

“If you guys excuse me, I have to kill a witch.” You get inside of the compound, not wanting to deal with this situation. You weren’t ready to see Dan again, the fact that he is here makes this a date and not just any date a third date and everyone knows what happens on third dates.

You hear someone calling your name “Hey I was looking for you. What is the problem?” You look around relived that it is Bucky and not anyone else. Part of you knows that you are being silly, Dan would never force himself on you, but you are looking forward to have a nice day on the pool and not a nice date on the pool.

Before you can respond, you hear a door closing and someone saying “You are here.” This time it is Dan, he kisses your cheek, as he introduces himself to Bucky. They shake hands, you notice that Bucky puts a little more strength on the handshake than necessary but this doesn’t affect Dan he smiles at Bucky and says “I remember you from the other party. Where is your girlfriend?”

You feel Dan’s putting his hands on your waist in a protective but not in a possessive way. There was a lot of tension in the air, Bucky looks angry that Dan brought up the Josephine subject and Dan looks like he doesn't care.

Watching this was like watching a train wreck, you hated but you couldn’t look away even if you wanted. Bucky made himself look as big as possible without breaking eye contact with Dan, while Dan had that playful smile on his lips saying that he wasn’t afraid.

Sometimes you hate men and the need to be in control of the situation

“I don’t. You didn’t tell me that you were still seeing this guy.” Bucky says looking straight into your eyes “Yes, we had dinner a few days ago.” You wish you could disappear right now, the atmosphere in this place was so heavy “You didn’t tell me. “ Bucky says again, this time sounding almost hurt.

“I didn’t think that you would want to know about that, Bucky. You hate to talk about my dates. “Dan let go of your waist, he looks at you and you can see what he is mentally asking you “Do you want to talk to him alone?”

“So he is your boyfriend now?”

You never get the chance to answer, you hear a loud noise coming from the pool and you decide to take the chance to run away from this awkward situation “I will see what is happening, we continue this conversation later.”

You leave, letting the two man on the couch, before you can close the door you hear Dan saying to Bucky “Are you jealous? “

PART 5

So this was my favorite part so far so please leave feedback because i really want to know what you guys thought about this. And if you want to be tagged or untagged let me know.