#partly because I think Nana can get through to him to some degree

[trashlie]

ILY FP 232

Better known as: trashlie is STILL climbing the wallls and TAKING YOU WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look idk what I can get away saying in these intros without being spoilery anymore because by the time I sit down to write this I’m just VIBRATING AWAY on pure energy. You know when you feel words at your fingertips but you are too consumed by other menial tasks you’ve no interest in doing so you gotta bide your time and it just grows and grows and grows until it bursts out of you howling? 

Yeh.......

Let’s jump right in!!!!!!!!!! 

I’m gonna be real with you guys - it’s gonna take a LOT for me to not to do rambling long repeats of things I said last week. I’m gonna do my best but... 232 is very much a continuation of 231 so it is what it is! 

Leading up to the episode my friends and I were talking and the general consensus was we hoped Shinae would try knocking down Nol’s door but alkjjjkafjkafkj DIDN’T EXPECT SHE WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO TRY TO BULLDOZE THE DOOR ON HER OWN AND START SHOUTING AT HIM THROUGH THE DOOR LMAO but listen Shinae so very PERSISTENT!!!!! She’s so over being thrown out, SO over being shut out, and it’s all right there in front of her but she just CANNOT see it for what it is, cannot understand what is compelling her besides that she cares.

And boy does she care. 

Her frustration is, as I said last week, completely justified, of course, but in this case, they’re both justified and that really does her no favors, does it? Yelling and banging on his door, trying any tactic she can to get him to open up, to rethink his decision to cast her out. He has basically told her “come back when you figure it out” but she doesn’t know what “it” is or what else could be there, so she can only feel like he’s shutting her out once again, refusing to open up to her after just reconciling. 

At the core of Shinae’s frustration and persistence is fear. She’s so afraid of losing him again, terrified of yet another important person letting go and turning their back to her. 

And as much as I feel for Shinae, I also can’t help but feel for Nol who is on the other side of the door, unable to make himself walk away from it, arms pinned at his side against the door as though he doesn’t trust them to not reach for the door handle, doesn’t trust himself to maintain the boundary. He’s kicked her out - but barely. He can’t leave the side of that door while Shinae stands right outside of it, banging away. GOD I enjoy the agony of it, I NEED MORE. Shinae’s threats are so comical but she’s literally grasping at straws and he knows it. The same Nol who broke that day in the rain is barely holding it together, knowing that once again he is causing her pain. 

As readers we know that once she figures it out, she’ll understand. As soon as Shinae understands what Nol is trying to get her to see, she’ll know exactly why he had to draw that boundary and keep the space, but in this moment she doesn’t know any of this, and it is just so agonizing! 

Just as she’s been confessing all day long, she continues to tell him all the things she can’t see for what they are - how much she hates when he shuts her out, how she can’t understand why they’re back here when they just go out of this and GOD i love it because you can FEEL how much she cares. Even if she doesn’t know what the feeling is, even if she can’t call it what it is, she cares so much! And you can see how much it hurts him! How difficult it is to stand there and let her think he’s casting her to the streets again, to have her fight so passionately for him for them when he understands now what kind of hurt he’s inflicted (and continues to inflict!!!!!!!) GOD

Nol understands so well his resistance - his resolve - and knows he has to keep that physical barrier between them. Even before he could barely look at her when he did, when she flustered under his gaze and command, he threw her out before he could crumble all the way and there’s something about seeing it illustrated this way, showing us rather than telling, how hard this is for him. I’m sure his thought is that once Shinae figures it out - once she knows her feelings, once she can understand his feelings, once she can see what Dieter saw that hurt him so much, she’ll be the one to draw the boundary he struggles so hard with. That once he’s not the only one who knows, she can stop pushing him, can stop breaking him down, can act on the effort he can barely muster. 

I love that panel of Shinae banging on the door while he stands on the other side, face screwed up in frustration and agony. It’s so difficult, it’s SO HARD. She’s going on about being shut out, about how “ a misunderstanding” has come between them. She’s so scared their relationship doesn’t mean to him what it means to her, so scared that he’s content to throw it all away, so scared that she will lose him once and for all - and he has to stand and bear it, knowing he’s causing her to feel these things, knowing there’s no easy way out. 

UUUUUUUUUUGGGHHH SCREAMS

It’s the sheer irony! That the thing he wants her to comprehend is the VERY THING she’s yelling at him about, it’s the very thing compelling her. 

Well. That and her sleep deprivation LMAO 

I never shut up about noticing when characters have their eyes closed, but it’s such an important part of quimchee’s subtle storytelling. Note how Nol’s face is still screwed up in frustration when he tells her to go away, followed by telling her she’s so damn annoying. 

I’ve already seen that there are people reading that at face value but over here round these parts, we know better. Nol’s eyes closed as he tells her to go away, while he stands with his door still pressed against the door. 

He so easily could have walked away, gone back to his bed across the room. Instead he stands there, torturing himself as he listens to her yell at him from the other side of the door. Nol tells her to go away because he needs her to go away, for his peace of mind, for his crumbling resolve, but on some level, of course he doesn’t want her to. Of course sending her away, pushing her away, walking away from her is difficult, is something he forces himself to do, that is so incredibly difficult for him. 

Let’s not forget him at the curb retching after hurting Shinae in all the worst ways and then walking away and leaving her in the freezing rain. 

Quimchee literally doesn’t need to spell it out because it’s all right there for us to see. It’s in his closed eyes, in his back against the door he can’t pull himself away from, in his frustration, in his crumbling resolve, in his sheer agony. 

Let’s also not forget how this all started. It wasn’t even initially about Dieter - it was about Nol hiding himself away, about him refusing to show the parts of him that she really wants to see, about how it hurts her that he can’t open up. At the heart of this lmao it’s literally about how Shinae just wants to LOVE him and he wants her to understand tHAT SHE DOES. 

SCREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love this episode it’s so good it’s got me chewing through my freaking keyboard trying to write this AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LKAJFKJFAKJAFJKAFJKAFJKAFJKAFJ 

But, of course, the important take away is that Shinae cannot see the forest for the trees. She’s so caught up in her own intense feelings, lost in her fear and what she wants so badly and she only knows how to fight. Shinae is a bit of a short fuse but it’s even worse because of the harrowing 24 hours she’s been through. To think so many episodes ago she was moving back in to her home with Simhan! It feels so far away after everything that’s transpired! She hasn’t slept, we know she hasn’t really eaten in hours, she’s already in a foul mood after how her dance with Nol soured and how upset she got about what he hides from her. There’s now way for her to be rational - trying to literally kick in his door lmao - or think things through because her despair and frustration is so all-consuming it just clouds her judgement. 

There’s something so funny about how Nana takes her away and suddenly settled down, Shinae just goes full sulking lmao. I love how impetuously teenager it is, too, for Nana to tell Shinae that she does, in fact, need to leave, that is isn’t actually the big deal she thinks it is but Shinae is like blah blah OLD PEOPLE WISDOM IS NOT NEEDED HERE alkjfakfjkafjfa lmao 

It must be so funny to Nana, that this little spitfire girl is fighting like hell for him, fighting so hard to not be cast out, and can’t understand WHY she’s fighting, what any of it means lmao like aflkjafjkafjkafj 

Of course Nana knows. Anyone would be able to tell! From how awkward they were around each other in the room, how sulky Nol was fiddling with her headband (AND THE BLUSHING), the whole argument they’ve had about Dieter - who Nana knows!!!!!!!! Had a crush on her!!!!!!!! Of course she with her decades of life can see exactly what Shinae is fighting. 

Taking her away from Nol is important. I LOVE this exchange they have: Nana: You’d need the right key to get that door open. Shinae: And? A key isn’t necessary when you use enough force! Nana: But you could damage the door. And nobody likes an intruder. Breaking doors could get yourself kicked out and never be able to come back. Both literally and figuratively. You wouldn’t want that now would ya?

I’m sure Nana must speak from some kind of experience. Thinking about how she took him in when he left the psychiatric ward where it seems like he was traumatized, from where he still carries so many unhealed wounds and scars, after losing his mother and being left all alone in a foreign country with no family, made to believe he’s some kind of monster like the loss of his mom was his fault, that he deserved everything that came to him. The special name his mom had given him had been worn down and destroyed, tainted and made to mean nothing. He comes home and he doesn’t even go back to his father, to their family, but someone he’s told is his grandma. How can he trust her? His own father doesn’t want him, he’s been sent to live with some stranger, away from his father’s family. An outcast, an outsider, all alone. 

She probably tried so hard to get through to him. How do you reach someone like him? How do you get through to someone who keeps everyone at arms’ length, who is so full of fear and self-loathing, who has been made to feel so insignificant, so worthless, a mistake, a monster. We still don’t even know just how bad it was locked inside there. His fear of Yui, his aversion to medication and hospitals, how much he detests tea, his touch aversion. How much of what he believes about himself - that he caused his mother’s death, that he deserves all the bad, that he will only bring harm to those he loves, that his existence is a mistake - came from there? GOD it hurts lmao lajfjkfjkafjk LIKE just writing this makes me want to howl. This is such a foundational aspect of who Nol is. He’s not just some melodramatic teenager (which even isn’t a bad thing) but he has spent a significant portion of his memorable life in survival mood, just fighting to stay afloat, fighting all of the demons who hold him down. 

Nana loves him so much, that much is so clear. And she knows him so well. She knows what he needs is time, she knows how stubborn and obstinate he is, and she probably knows all too well how he shuts others out and how, much like quicksand, the harder you fight and struggle, the worse it will be. Her line about breaking doors can get you kicked out is so loaded. Did she try to break his doors, too? Did she try so hard to reach someone who wanted to be so unreachable and found herself on the other side of a door, too? aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh 

Just thinking about he was just this scared kid so alone and she believes her daughter took her own life and she didn’t see it coming, didn’t imagine her the person who would do it and it reminded her that you never really know, do you? He was this kid so closed off, so alone, who hid so much, and we’ve seen her reach out to him over and over, encourage him to spend time with people who care about him. I’m sure a part of her worries, fears, that maybe he’d go the same path as his mom. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how he told Dieter he “tried to visit his mom”. That HAUNTS me and I bet it’s something that haunts her, too. 

(Alternatively, if he came out with his Yeonggi mask, ready to fake his way through, ready to force a smile a joke a laugh to pretend everything is fine when under the surface she can see it’s not. Remembering how he met Dieter, I think the Yeonggi persona was a thing that grew the more he tried it on, but whether or not she met him as this scared lonely kid or this kid with a fake mask on, we just know she’s been THROUGH it trying to reach him with everything she’s got ;____________;) 

Getting to see so much into their relationship makes me feel SO FUCKING FERAL. Knowing that yes, Nol DID talk about Shinae to her, that contrary to what we’ve seen through much of this series, Nol didn’t always close himself away in his room locked up with his thoughts and self-loathing. That he would go home and talk to Nana about people who piqued his interest, tell her about his hare-brained attempts to befriend them, about the struggles he faced in getting through to them. Did she see the fond irony - that someone who once was so hard for her to reach to get through found someone who was just as difficult to get through to and one day he went from talking about how difficult she was to talking about her as his friend? GOD it gets to meeeeeeeeeee. She must’ve seen the shift, too - when she went from being the subject of his attempt to help out Dieter to being his friend, to mattering to him. 

I’M IN AGONYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I wish we could see a little bit of that, of the Nol he was so briefly before he had to put the walls back up, before the self-loathing fully consumed him again, before all the tendrils of shadow wrapped themselves around him and began to drag him back out of the light again. But fortunately what we DO get comes close. That moment earlier when he told Nana about how he’d already seen his friends, how they all came to celebrate his birthday can you believe it? GOD MY HEART ACHES. 

I suspect we’ll probably be seeing more of them because clearly someone needs to talk with him - someone rational and removed from the situation, someone who can try to make him see that he cannot help his feelings, that he cannot control all situations, and is any of this really your fault? Is it his fault at all that Shinae didn’t like Dieter enough that way, that it didn’t happen over time? Is it his fault if she instead saw something in him that she flocked to, if there existed something between them that she wants to fight so hard for? AAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Both Nol and Shinae are so stubborn so OBSTINATE and they’re both STRUGGLING so of course it was wise of Nana to take Shinae away, even if she had to trick her lmao. Shinae at Nol’s door only makes it worse, could, as she said, push him to lock her out for real. Nana knows that Shinae hasn’t been cast out, she knows what the problem is, but of course why would Shinae believe her? lol It’s that obstinate teenager thing that makes me laugh so much now that I’m well passed that stage - so certain that no one could possibly understand what you’re feeling, that they couldn’t possibly understand what is wrong lmao 

Honestly, Nana and Shinae are nothing like I expected them to be, and I really love that. Nana barely even knows her, but she does know how to poke and wheedle her. Everything feels so poised to help Shinae zero in on the reason behind her frustration. 

I really love that she revealed to Shinae that Nol has told her about her, that she has, from the sidelines through a biased lens, watched their relationship grow - and as a result, saw the effect she had on him, what their friendship did t and for him. Even though Nol has told Shinae she’s special, because he’s so hot and cold, because he doesn’t open up, because she doesn’t get to see him, it’s hard for her to really internalize that it’s true. How can it be when he’s so willing to throw away all of this, right? So for Nana to reveal that she knows all about how closed off Shinae used to be but that changed didn’t it is such a MOMENT for her. She doesn’t look like she can believe it - Nol talked about her? About how she fought him and ran away? 

More importantly, Nana is trying to give Shinae a little nudge that she can’t yet see. She tells Shinae she’s not trying to make her feel bad about turning down Dieter, but to lay out their foundation: that originally Nol was trying to play Cupid, but the arrows got all messed up. I think it’s one of those things that while right now Shinae thinks it’s just people trying to make her feel guilty, soon she’ll see for what it was - the problem lies in their foundation, the reason Dieter is hurt is because of the way it all went wrong. Soon, Shinae is going to be holding her head in her hands yelling about how did she not see it how was she so blind THAT’S what they meant this is what they all meant?! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 

I find it really cute that Nana is using the same technique as Nol, trying to get Shinae to think about her feelings. Why do you feel terrible? What did you actually do wrong? How does it make you feel bad? And then LMAO baiting Shinae with a hint about the problem in an disguised effort to kick her out LMAOOOOOOO to be fair, she DOES give Shinae the hint, just..... not the way she wants LMAO 

The way Nana gets Shinae reminiscing, thinking back on how their friendship began, how they ended up at this point, just what is so significant about those oranges - the things Shinae doesn’t say about how they symbolize the change from him being this annoying guy that she wanted nothing to do with to this person she CANNOT let go of that she CANNOT lose GOD. That’s SO good. She talks about how she’s so bad at talking about her feelings and opening up and that she’s trying to be better at it - but she also cannot stop talking about Nol lmao 

She’s moody about all the things she doesn’t know about him yet. What his real name is, why she’s not allowed to use, how Nana gets to do it why can’t she? Does he hate his name, where did the Yeonggi moniker come from? 

“I wanna know where he got it from... There’s so many things I wanna know about him...”

I JUST WANNA GRAB HER BY THE SHOULDERS AND RATTLE HER AROUND lajkfkfjfkafkjafj I love it, okay? it’s one of those tell tale signs - when you grow interested in a person, when you start to like them and you have that insatiable hunger to know them so intimately to know every detail about them you want to know everything about them you want to discover them from inside out. And for her it’s doubly worse since he DOESN’T show her what she wants to see. She’s out here craving to understand him so intimately and can’t understand why he can’t show her that. Why can’t he be vulnerable why can’t he open up?

She is SO HEAD OVER HEELS she is soooooooo full of feelings she wants to know everything he’s hidden GOD!!!!!!!!

HOW ARE THERE PEOPLE WHO DON’T SEE IT? HOW ARE THERE PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET ANY OF THIS?! 

She THINKS there’s nothing going on between them but she’s sulking to his grandma, she’s upset because he won’t show her himself because she wanted to see his face because they shared this intimate tender moment because it was such a SOFT warm HAPPY moment for her and they couldn’t share it because they weren’t on the same level 

She is MOPING she really thinks he’s casting her out and she’s terrified of losing all of that. 

Shinae over here saying that of course all her relationships with her friends are going to be different but she can’t see why this one, in particular, is so dire, doesn’t understand what the everything she thinks he’s throwing away signifies. 

GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really look forward to learning more about Yeonggi, because I’ve been really curious about that, too. Was it a name he’d just picked out, what was the significance? I look forward to Nol telling her about it, too; Nana has told her all she knows and anyway it’s better to let Nol do it. It’s better for Nol to know all of this, to hear all the things Shinae wants to know, how she’s so insatiably hungry to know everything about him, how she just wants to know him - everything there is to him the good the ugly the things he hasn’t shown anyone else ;A; aaaahhhhhhhhhh 

Nana is really the PERFECT character to REALLY bring in for this arc. She goes head to head with Shinae lmao and dances circles around her. The whole distracting her as she evacuates her from the building while getting her to dwell on her feelings? PERFECTLY executed. Telling her the hint she’s looking for is that SHE is one of the problems LMAO aklfkafkjafjfjf What’s she supposed to do with that information?! 

Of course, like I said earlier, like Nana is telling her, some down time WILL do wonders. Right now her head is so full of intensity, but when she steps away, when she’s mulling and dwelling and sleeps and assuages her crankiness when her brain can go back to functioning well, THEN she’ll be able to think about it, THEN she’ll be able to figure out what the key is. But right now she’s just making things worse - for him, for herself, and for their problem. 

Sleep deprivation really messes with you lol especially when she’s spent the most harrowing night of her life. Can you believe that this probably beats out THE KIM FORMAL because this time she NEARLY WATCHED HER BEST FRIEND DIE OUT IN FRONT OF HER?! Christ!!!!!!!!! 

And besides Shinae, Nana, and Nol, this episode feels like it’s nudging a couple other things. The pointed emphasis on the hospital departments and floor board feels like a nod that Hansuke will be bringing Kousuke here for his CT scan. On the one hand, I’m really excited to see more about Kousuke and what Hansuke is thinking. I’m no doctor but I assume a CT scan might be able to indicate some kind of drugging just because how it would affect the brain, right? A brain on a particular medication would look a certain way? Forgive me, science was never my strong suit and I don’t know the difference between a CT and other scans lmao but I imagine if it’s the kind of imaging that can indicate neurons firing and active parts of the brain, maybe it would tell them enough that they should try more labwork? Especially now that Hansuke knows about the hormone imbalance and has picked up on Kousuke’s fixation with tea and it being one of the only things he can remember (that he’s admitted). 

But on the other hand..... Nol has SO much going on, is he ready to face Kousuke again? Like, don’t get me wrong, I want to see more of them, especially knowing how worried Kousuke is about him, that he hasn’t forgotten what happened last night or that he caused it. But with everything Nol is dealing with - the aftermath of it all, feeling like an asshole for hurting Dieter, Shinae, all of this, is he ready to see Kousuke again? I guess part of me worries that Kousuke is... yknow. More fragile and that if he fights with Nol, it might affect the progress he made? Or maybe now that they had that er... “heart to heart” now that he confessed those sins his fears he would be able to hear Nol out without deflecting? 

I just know if Kousuke ends up at the same hospital and he spots anyone from Nol’s circle he’ll try to find him lol he IS worried (and worried for HIM not based on Rand or punishment or any of that). He’s got no idea how Nol is, where he is, what happened, how bad it is. GOD. HARROWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Everyone is going to be SO HAUNTED by this night. 

The other matter is, of course, the custodian taking out the trash when Nana tells them they should go somewhere private, she doesn’t want “him” eavesdropping on the conversation. Initially I’d assumed this is because ultimately she is trying to get Shinae the heck out of there and it’s her excuse to get him out, but it could easily have been written “So no one can eavesdrop” right? 

The theory is that this is one of the people that Yui probably pays to act as a spy for her so that she can keep track of people and always knows what they’re doing, so she can always be two steps ahead. The only thing that really gives me pause regarding this, though, is that she has no idea where Nol is (yet). She has no idea where Rand took him, and I can’t imagine she employs people in hospitals all over the city should anyone report anything suspicious to her. So how would this be one of her spies? 

I’m not saying it’s not possible at all because he WAS very emphasized, but it just leaves me wondering if Yui doesn’t know where they are, how could that be a spy, right? But look, sometimes the narrative pulls a fast one on us. We can’t see what she’s up to at all times, now can we? 

All in all, I really loved this episode and I’ve been loving this arc SO MUCH. All of this everything since the Christmas party has been SO GOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!! Seeing all of those plot lines really converge and the stakes go higher has made every episode a treat to read, but I love that in the midst of this, Shinae and Nol have this very big, important thing to clear up. Over the course 230 episodes we’ve been watching these two grow so important to each other and honestly, I love watching Shinae fight for him like this, even if lmao she’s going at it all the wrong way. For someone like Nol who is so used to being invisible, to have her putting up such a fight, confirming whatever feelings he can’t be sure if she actually feels, would be such a welcome thing - except for the reminder that Dieter has been hurt in the cross-fires. I really want to see Nana have a talk with him and maybe TRY to get him to see it, that you cannot control feelings, that acting on them isn’t bad. That Dieter WILL come around, that he isn’t really much of a friend if he puts his own wants and happiness above Nol’s. 

But of course, Nana alone won’t do. Nol REALLY needs to talk to Dieter, too. But unlike Shinae, Dieter seems to know he needs to be alone for a little while. He’s got to sort out his own feeling and untangle that hurt. Thinking about things from his perspective IS painful - Yeonggi cut them out, he blocked their numbers, he refused to see them, and then suddenly he shows back up after asking to be left alone, he almost DIES in front of them, and Dieter wakes up to witness Nol and Shinae having this moment. 

He’s got a lot of things to sort out, too, he needs sleep and room to think. 

I’m really interested to see how all of it plays out. For Dieter’s sake, I hope there’s some kind of explanation because unlike Shinae, he and Soushi are still in the dark. Why did Nol leave and come back? Why did he box them out? He showed so much affection when he hugged them and told them he loves them so I’m sure they know that he has his reasons but still, people have limits. They deserve to know what Shinae does. I she willing to have that talk, though? 

aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I imagine we’ll probably be veering back to Kousuke here shortly, if not the next espisode. I imagine Shinae may get picked up before that.... ? Maybe? It feels like we were JUST with Kousuke, but I don’t think we’ll be revisiting Yui JUST yet. Maybe we’ll see Shinae get home, let her thoughts pull her to sleep, and then go visit Kousuke and Hanske? IDK god knows I can never predict what’s coming next but no matter which direction we go, we don’t go wrong! 

It’s so funny that the fabled Minhyuk party was something that I thought would happen and then we’d slide slowly into a timelapse taking us through the first time jump to graduation and stuff but SURPRISE: NOL ALMOST DIED, KOUSUKE IS UNDERGOING HELL, NOL’S FREEDOM HAS BEEN EXTENDED, CHRISTMAS IS COMING UP!!!!!!!!! We have literal DAYS left until Nol goes away, and then do we even immediately go into our timelapse timeskip?! Quimchee talked so much about how she didn’t want to have to draw snow, so at least so much of this takes place indoors but LMAO it’s still kinda funny

aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I love this webtoon so much I love this story so much I love this whole arc honestly it’s been hit after hit for me and I’m so glad I get to keep screaming about it every week at all of you and just scale walls and swing from rafters I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[alexrepgh]

Freedom- Limits of Restraint

August 2018 was charged with many memories. These memories were cutting in ways that I didn’t put them in my diary because I believed their intensity would never die off….

First week of August…., I had an interview with the admission committee of the department of Theoretical and Applied Biology at KNUST for a position in their master’s program. At the interview, I met one of smartest girls I know. She was easy-going, smart and pretty. Getting along with her in such a short time marked the genesis of me moving out of my reticence. Many people had complained about my reserved nature, so I was happy to get out of it finally. Interestingly, another friend I cherish would bring out how I talk too much later. Different persons engrave their barometers, shaped mostly by their own experiences and expect you live by those brands. These individual level standardization aggregate to form the societal constraints on the macro level. These constraints may aptly be a class of factors that affect life’s ‘navigability’ as described by the American Legal Philosopher Cass Sunstein in his book ‘On Freedom’.

Can humans be absolutely free? There are always structures which limit the freedom of humanity. In my own life, I have not been free, to say the least. I have always wanted to be a researcher. After my bachelor’s degree, I began working at the University Hospital of KNUST as a lab scientist, or ‘labman’. Some of my co-workers could attest that I was almost always absent-minded because I kept thinking of ways to generate hypothesis from the results I get from each patient’s sample. I made certain mistakes due to my inattentive disposition. My job as a laboratory scientist constrained me from doing what I love to do. My job was to find what and how, not ask why I am getting the results. To be free, I applied to grad school, where I could be trained to pursue a career in academia.

In academia, I would be able (or supposed to be able) to think freely, at least. Free thought has been the bedrock for scientific innovations and discoveries. Free thought has its roots to the Socratic Dialectical method. Socrates lived from about 470 BC to 399 BC, in a highly hierarchical society. At that time, his proposition of a critical free thought involving the use of reason, mind, senses to evaluate and challenge, in order to arrive at the truth was met with hostility from society. He was imprisoned and finally put to death. Critical free thought perpetuated, as evidenced by scientific innovations today. What needs further exploration is his imprisonment and subsequent death.

Academics  are immured by structures we call laboratories. Activities in a laboratory are regulated or monitored by others in different buildings who measure the works of researchers. These people are sometimes called administrators. Administrators use metrics to rate the performance of academics to determine who needs to be tenured, deserving a raise or needs firing for being unproductive. Upon digitization of life, these metrics which measure a researcher’s output, are likely to be found in the clouds. As delineated by Justin E.H. Smith, cloud based, algorithm driven measurement of  researchers’ efficiency by social-media-like platforms like GoogleScholar, ResearchGate, Academia.edu potentially divert the researcher’s attention. In the long run, they would focus on building their profiles (e.g by faking a smile behind the camera to use as a profile picture or hiring an algorithm to boost the visibility of their article in the cloud). Academics who do not live up to these metrics, are deprecated (imprisoned) or fired (death).

I do not intend to censure structures that restrain researchers’ activities or free thought. To be clear, unrestrained free thought can be very detrimental to science and society in general. A society with absolutely free living citizens may eventually crash because no one would appreciate the limit of their freedom, engendering chaos and wars. That is why there are always freedom-limiting structures to ensure living in harmony.

Life’s restraints

Even without structures, man is inherently endowed with values that control their activities.  Some of these values include the desires( affections, love), will and conscience, as described by John Abercrombie (not the guitarist) in his book ‘The Philosophy of Moral Feeling‘. Man is a moral being and these values which constitute man’s morality can either be edified or corrupted. Corrupted values are despised and individuals with corrupted values are outcast from society. Edification of values, on the other hand is favored and usually citizens are encouraged to cultivate such values. Institutions are therefore created to either punish individuals with unworthy values or provide guidelines for edification of values. One institution that has served this latter purpose for eons is religion.

The influence of religion in modern life cannot be understated. I grew up a Pentecostal. Unlike others who were ‘forced’ into their denominations or religions, mostly by their parents, I was ‘free’ to choose which denomination, and religion for that matter. Up till now, I do not know my mother’s church, my father may be a traditionalist. Regardless of the religion, the main focus of religion as an institution is to shape man’s moral values.

Shaping man’s values has also been at the center of ethics, the branch of philosophy that deals with morality.  Many philosophers of ethics have tried to conflate ethics, religion and humanity. Descartes mind-body dualism was an attempt to bridge humanity and ethics. David Hume’s philosophy in particular, was a kind that tried to connect religion and secularism. His was the kind that we need today, as secularism is on the rise.

Living freely- The end of restraint

Secularism is worldwide, especially in the highly cosmopolitan cities such as New York, Paris, LA or Miami. Last winter break, I took the tri-rail from Boynton Beach to Miami Airport, sitting close to the window pane where I could gaze through the moving land and ponder over my pain. I was travelling to New York for the winter break. The winter break was needed after a very daunting three months of academic work (As you may not know, I accepted an offer from Biomedical Science department of FAU ahead of offer from Theoretical and Applied Biology of KNUST for obvious reasons I don’t want to get into). The first semester was very difficult for me because I was in a new environment, experienced the cultural shock, struggling to blend in with my Asante accent, and many other constraints I intend to write about in another setting.  Miami is a beautiful city. It is the first city in the US I saw. As you might be aware, the US has very nice cities which are highly adorned and painted to the outside world as heaven, but I was a bit disappointed when I first got to Miami. After all, right after getting out of the plane, I Ubered to Boca Raton, how could I see all the beauties of Miami.

Indeed, in the course of the Fall semester, I visited Miami a couple of times with new friends I made in my new environment. The first time was to South Beach, my first time being at the beach (I come from Kumasi, a very reserved and land-locked city). We went at sun set so that the girls we went with could take pictures with the sun kissing their foreheads. Approaching South Beach, I got scared because of the tall buildings that seem to have been built on water bodies. Part of the road leading to South Beach was built on water as well and I couldn’t stop imagining scary things. When we got closer to South Beach, I saw things I couldn’t imagine. The extent of hedonism was indescribable. There were two males kissing on the streets ( TF? y’all should get a room ffs). Well, I was supposed to ‘enjoy’ the fleeting moment and continue my walk. So I took pictures with my friends.

  As we were taking the pictures a couple of well-wasted Mexicans decided to join us. One of them gave me his instagram for me to follow him.I followed him and any update from him would be him displaying a new drinking bar or holding a bottle of whiskey.

Well, that’s the whole point of taking pictures now. I mean the point is to show people that we are ‘enjoying’ life to the fullest.

The next time I went to Miami was when I was travelling to New York. I was excited to be seeing NYC. When I told my friend in Hong Kong, he was so happy for me. He told me he couldn’t wait to see NYC himself (Later, he told me he visited Paris, and I told him I couldn’t wait to see Paris myself). The point of telling others about the places we’ve been is to let awaken their interest in visiting these places.

I got to LaGuardia around 9pm and I was greeted by the windy, chilling weather. This was so unlike the usual Florida weather I was accustomed to (similar to the weather I have known all my life in Ghana). I could not get out of the airport until the cab was ready to pick me. I was ushered into my new place, on the fifth floor in one apartment complex in Merriam Avenue in The Bronx.

  Exploring New York was fun, partly because I did not explore alone. I was almost always with my bestfriend, Nana Aba. She was the first person to wish me on my birthday. The first time we met in New York, she had to come all over to The Bronx because she said I would get lost if I went to see her. Well, I got lost a couple of times though. Sometimes, I got on the wrong bus or train. Trains in New York are not like South Florida trains. Trains in New York are usually congested and it’s not unusual to find people standing in them.  They can be found underground (subways) and they run 24/7,  serving as bedroom for some homeless people, I learnt. The trains in South Florida are spacious; there are even spaces for bicycles, where people (like me) who love the planet and do not want to burn fossil to kill it can place their bicycles. Also, the seats are arranged such that you can stare into the space outside and clear your thoughts. Well, the disparate transport systems in the two locations depict the lay out of the two locations.

One day, I took the subway from The Bronx to meet my best friend at Manhattan. I met her at 59th Street, Columbus Circle after. We hired a tour guide (paid 60 dollars) to take us around Central Park. He showed us all the nice places. One particular place I enjoyed was the Bow Bridge. We witnessed about 4 proposals in the space of the three or four minutes we spent on this Bridge. As expected, I took advantage of the scene and took pictures of her. So here is my best friend at the Bow Bridge….

And if you want to see the entire Bow Bridge, I got you ( I know you could google it but its more fun if you see it here)

After touring Central Park, we went to a cinema at Broadway to watch a movie. Someone had suggested the Greenbook to me so I went to watch it with her. Imagine being the only two black people in the midst of whites, in the same room, watching GreenBook!!! Well, if you have not watched the movie, you might not get the point I’m trying to convey. It’s a good movie that you should watch.

New York was fun, in every hedonistic aspect of the word fun. I remember walking the Brooklyn Bridge in the cold. I remember going to a Korean restaurant, spending 15 dollars and being forced to eat all the food by ‘madam’ (I call my best-friend madam sometimes and you don’t have to know why). Oh! I nearly forgot when we spent all the night at Times Square enjoying the bright city lights and walking from 42nd Street to 57th Street. But like they say, all good things must come to an end so on the 31st of December, as the year was ending, I booked a ticket to go back to South Florida.

Dominance- The end of Freedom.

On my way back to Florida, I opened iBooks to read Why Nations Fail. In this book, Daron Acemoglu and James Robinson argued that nations fail because of factors when the economy is less inclusive or more extractive. Botswana, for instance is prospering more than the Rhodesian countries (Zambia and Zimbabwe) because the former has built a more inclusive economy.  One particular event is apparent throughout the book: that the trans-atlantic slave trade was a critical juncture that would influence the economic growth of most countries in West Africa. Slavery, generally is a depiction of the quest of humans to dominate. The scenarios surrounding the success of the slave trade corroborates this assertion. Kings captured people from other tribes during wars and sold them as slaves, in exchange for gun and gun powder, that would be used to make them powerful. This would help such tribes in territorial dominance, the same way as dominating trade, commerce and industrialization was the motive of the Europeans who engaged in this barbaric act.

Even though Why Nations Fail make the case for how slavery has contributed to the current economic and political inequalities around the globe, it failed to outline how it has contributed to what Elizabeth Currid-Halkett termed Inconspicuous consumption.  Inconspicuous consumption are obviously the intangibles, things we cannot see. These include knowledge, culture and to some extent technology. These are the spheres that humans are fighting dominate now. Regardless of tangibles or not, dominance is a human character which restrains others freedom. Others fight for their freedom by overcoming dominance.

Overcoming Dominance- Silver Spoon and Gold Medal

Different people have different things dominating their lives. To be free, they need to overcome these dominance. Some are born into well-to do families, where they are provided with everything they can think of. For such people, they need to overcome being fortunate. Others never get what they need. To get them, they need to break great bonds. Most of the people I know start breaking them after their Silver Jubilee. Others break them later in life. As we travel through this life, whether you were born on a silver spoon or wooden ladle, there is one motive; going for the gold medal. What is your gold medal. Mine is perhaps to write this for you. Find yours.

Till I write again……

Life After Silver… Freedom- Limits of Restraint August 2018 was charged with many memories. These memories were cutting in ways that I didn’t put them in my diary because I believed their intensity would never die off….