#part of the reason i'm not getting writing done today was because i spent most of my free time reading from books i've let sit for too long

[fictionadventurer]

There's something about reading really great writing that's so relaxing. You can just sit back and let the words wash over you, knowing that you can trust the writer.

[sweetestcaptainhughes]

say whatever you feel,

be wherever you are

Word Count - 3k roughly

Author's Note - I felt this need to write some Jack fluff since I'm been writing a lot of Jack being a complete idiot asshole lately. Thank you always for reading

Warnings - I truly can't think any

Summary - Y/N was a very social butterfly, she was blunt and witty. Not a single person that knows her would describe her as shy. But when it came to her expressing her emotions, she was definitely more reserved. Or three times Jack shows her that it isn't scary to show how happy he is, and the one time she shows him her own happiness.

Masterlist

Growing up you were never one of those people that felt as if they could show the world their every thought on their face. Maybe it was your personality in general or how you grew up, but you never showed how you felt to the entire world around you.Some people would describe you as shy for this, but you weren’t shy you were in fact a very blunt, witty person. It’s just for whatever reason you never let anyone know how a situation unfolding in front of you made you feel. It’s almost like you were always watching everyone else somehow seeing how they were responding and then reacting. Especially when it came to showing pure happiness, this feeling of carefree happiness and being lost in the moment of it. That entire idea was foreign to you.

Jack didn’t mind that you were closed off in showing your feelings to the world. He knew that you kept that part of yourself hidden from the world. A part of him actually found it like a small victory when he was able to have you act dumb with him even if it was within the private walls of your apartment. Jack wasn’t as dumb when it came to emotions as people in the media viewed him. Everyone thought of him as someone who was just a cocky little asshole who was nothing more than a hot head on and off the ice. But that was furthest from the truth, Jack was the first boy that showed you that the little moments in life could truly be some of your happiest fondest moments. Jack learned from you that sometimes not displaying all of your cards was actually better because when you were completely emotionally raw with someone it meant so much more. Jack knew you loved him with everything you had, and he loved that he was one of the only people on Earth to truly witness you being your truly carefree self. He loved how through each time you joined him in being completely carefree and happy. He felt like he was able to learn this whole new side to you even though you’ve been dating for months at this point. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It doesn’t matter where we are I’m happy with you:

Jack loved spending time with you, he actually was obsessed with spending every available second you both had free together. But due to the roadies schedule this year being insane he was about to go away for almost two weeks exactly. Since you guys started talking three months ago you haven’t spent that much time apart. The only problem was that you had a list of probably 10 ‘absolutely can’t procaste anything or my life will actually fall apart errands’ that had to get done today before your work week started tomorrow. But Jack left tomorrow morning and wouldn’t be back for two weeks. 

Jack knew that if you weren’t able to do your errands that you would probably spiral all week due to feeling behind. He also knew even though you would never admit it out loud, that you were already having anxiety about how attached Jacks’ presence you were already and how hard this first roadie would be. Thus how he came up with what he felt was his most brilliant idea in months. Luke and Quinn didn’t agree in the groupchat and called him a simp and asked how Jack became whipped so badly and quickly. Jack decided to ignore his brother’s and facetime with you to tell you his idea. You answered immediately even though you were in the middle of making sure you didn’t forget anything before leaving your place to hop in your car.

“Hi bubs, what's up? I’m in the middle of something right now.” Jack can hear the anxiety rising in your voice and can hear you being distant on the phone due to it.

“Hi baby… I have an idea.'' It's hard for Jack to hide the excitement in his voice. His smile drops a little as he hears you sigh deeply, knowing that you're probably snatching your voice a little annoyed.

“Jack, I told you I need to get all these errands done so that I’m ready for next week. Which I would have already done if you hadn’t spent the last 3 days at my place insisting we don’t need to leave the bedroom except for snacks and gatorade.” Jack can hear you continue to shuffle around in the background, probably slipping on some shoes and throwing a jacket on. 

“Yes.. which was fun but we don’t need to talk about that. Anyway, that’s actually why I’m calling you, let's have a car date.” you can practically hear the smile you know is radiating off his face right now announcing his idea to you. 

“A car date?” you shyly ask.

“Yes, a car date. We can get fast food, blast the best music, and I can drive you around and we will complete all your errands. But we also get to spend time together.” Jak rumbles off his plan and you can tell that he isn’t as confident as he once was.

“okay.” you say shyly smiling at the idea. 

“Perfect. Pick you up in 10.” he rushes out as he hangs up. 

That Sunday you spend eating way too much snacks from gas stations, fast food and having your own little karotake sessions. As Jack drives you around town one hand on the wheel the other switching between your thigh and hand. He can’t help the warm feeling in his chest as he leans over and sees a small smile on your face. 

“It doesn’t matter what we're doing, I’m happy when I’m with you.” he breaths out, and you can’t help but turn back to him as you let his words sink in. Jack knew that you probably wouldn’t respond. But when he felt you give his hand a squeeze he brought it up to his mouth to give it a soft kiss. Neither of you say anything else about it, moving on to scream singing to the next song that belts out from the speakers.

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I am happiest when your attention is on me:

Jack and you were on an impromptu date night in Manhattan, deciding that it would be nice to go to the city for the night. As you are leaving the restaurant knowing that the night is coming to an end but not wanting it to. Jack offers to go on a walk for a little bit and maybe find some dessert. Spending time walking hand in hand, you couldn’t help but have a small smile on your face. But then you felt the never ending buzz of your phone knowing that someone was obviously trying to get in contact with you. Reductively, you reach into your back pocket to grab your phone, finding about fifthteen texts in the last 3 minutes from your cousin. Apparently, she was freaking out about something that happened in the family groupchat. Naturally, you slowed your walking pace to try and read all the messages. At first Jack was fine with you being a little distracting but then when you completely stopped walking. But once you got distracted and stopped walking completely Jack tried his hardest to be patient. But Jack isn’t really known for being the most patient guy or being good at staying still for long. “Who’s on the phone baby?” at the sound of his voice, you glance up.

“Oh it’s my cousin they’re telling me about what happened the family groupchat.” Once you see Jack nod, you return your attention to your phone. After a few more minutes Jack’s done waiting and wants to continue their walk.Due to his quick reflexes he quickly picks you up, throwing you over his shoulder and grabbing your phone in the process. 

Immediately you start laughing, hitting his back. In the most demanding voice you can muster in the middle of your laughing fit you scream. “JACK let me down! Give me back my phone!” He knew you weren’t mad at him so he decided to push the limit with how far he could go with this as he started walking down the sidewalk.

“Nope, not till I’m done texting them telling them that you're busy with your amazing hot boyfriend. And that your boyfriend demands your attention because another minute longer he might cry.” Jack shifts your weight slightly and you can tell that he really is typing on your phone. 

“Jack stop! I’ll give you my full attention, I promise.” as you continue to laugh while you hear Jack hum in agreement. 

“Okay sent. Now I can let you down.” You can feel Jack’s arms tighten as he lightly lets you down, both of your breathing speeding up due to how close your faces are when your feet finally touch the ground. 

“You said you're always happy with me.” you mumbled.

“I am but I’m only happiest when I have your attention.” he whispers, his eyes flicking between lips and your eyes. As if he was asking if he could kiss you in the moment, you slowly snake your arms around his neck and reach up to kiss him softly. 

As you pull away you can’t help your smartass response “you're such an attention whore Jackey. But I love you for it.” As you stay in his embrace a little longer, completely forgetting about your cousin and whatever family drama it was. Simply just allowing yourself to be lost in this moment.

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I am happy with you because when I’m with I can block everything out:

Jack truly wasn’t afraid of his mind being quick witted, being loud or being too sarcastic. He wasn’t someone who was known for being shy about his personality. Especially when  he would go out with you somewhere and it would be like his body transformed into someone new. Someone who wasn’t afraid to scream at the top of their lungs just how happy they were that you were his and he was yours. Someone who truly felt happiest with you in their arms,

Tonight was no different for Jack at the lakehouse. He was so happy that you were able to get a long weekend off and come visit him in Michigan. As per usual for the summer house, there were people everywhere, From Luke’s old Michigan teammates, to some of Quinn’s teammates, to friends they grew up with on the lake, to Jack’s friends from when he played on the USA Hockey team. If Jack had to guess there were probably about thirty people right now inside his house  or outside at the bonfire. After spending the day with friends he was able to retreat to a lawn chair close enough to the fire to feel the warmth but far away enough that it's not insanely loud. Jack and you weren’t able to spend much of the party together sadly, due to the girlfriends of the boys pulling you away. It was nice to be welcomed but you were definitely missing Jack after having to meet so many people, you were feeling your social battery dying. As you exited the house, looking for Jack you were thrilled to see Jack not surrounded by people and just talking to Cole in some lawn chairs closer to the lake. 

Quickly you felt yourself heading towards your boyfriend, very much just wanting to be in his arms away from everyone else. He quickly caught your eyes as you walked up and you could feel yourself blush as his smile grew seeing you. “Hi baby!” Once you were in arms reach, making grabby hands at you pulling yourself down into his lap. Your back was leaning against one of the arm rests of the chair. One leg between Jack’s legs, the other swinging over the other arm rest. Your arms quickly circling around Jack’s neck trying to pull him closer to you. Usually you don’t show this level of PDA in front of people you don’t know and you literally met Cole four hours prior to this. Jack tightened his arms around you, nervous something was wrong. “Heyy babyy.. you okay?” he whispers as your face digs deeper into his neck. You shook your head yes and Jack took that as an answer, and continued to talk to Cole. Lightly rubbing your one his hands up and down your calf that was hanging over the chair. His other tightly holding your hip to make sure you won’t fall. His thumb under your hoodie slowly creases the top of your hip. He continued talking to Cole like nothing happened and Cole knew Jack well enough to know not to chirp either of you in the moment or he would have to look for a new place to sleep tonight. 

After a while Cole mentioned something about needing a refill and made his way back to the rest of the party. Jack knew that when you were ready to rejoin the world and be ready to talk to him you would. In the meantime he watched drunk people dancing to some soft country music softly singing along only loud enough for you to hear. You lightly smiled as you whispered “your lucky you didn’t go into the music industry because you are way off tone Jackey.” as you slowly move your head from his neck to his chest. 

“What I’m offended! I am a great singer.” you could hear the sarcasm clear as day on his voice. It still didn’t stop your small laugh as one of your hands went to play with the stings of his hoodie. He couldn’t help but ask if you were okay again though “did something happen or are you just tired pretty girl?” His hand on your calf went to your hand that wasn’t playing with his hoodie and held your hand in your lap. 

“Social battery.” you mumble sort of embarrassed that as an extraverted your social battery seemed to run out quicker than others. It didn’t slip past you that Jack’s hand gave you a squeeze as a form of comfort. “I just wanted to be held.” you let out the words before you even realize. Jack can’t help but lean down and kiss your forehead, knowing that you wanted to change the subject and he let you. After a half hour you can’t help but feel Jack’s head shake to the rhythm of the music. “You want to dance don’t you?” but Jack could tell by your voice that you weren’t feeling up to being around so many drunk people who were too drunk to know personal space boundaries. 

“We don’t have to baby, it’s okay.” He says making eye contact with you so you know how serious he’s being. 

“No it’s okay we can if you, I know how happy dancing makes you” as you start to shift to get off his lap, his hands tighten their grip on you.

“No Y/N.” As he reaches to cup your face with his hand, “I don’t want to dance. I like how happy I am right here with you, cause you block out all the noise. I am being here with you in my arms” As he leans in to kiss you deeply. “Okay?” he asks in a questioning tone making sure you understand what he’s saying. 

“Okay Rowdy.” as you lean further into his embrace. 

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I can be the real you with me:

Suddenly you were back in your apartment, the season was in full swing. It was hard at times but you were slowly getting used to your apartment door becoming a revolving door due to Jack’s schedule. Jack started spending more nights at your place then his only because he said he missed being with you as much due to all the back to back roadies the Devils’ have had this month. At some point tonight Jack was supposed to come home and you physically felt your body shaking of energy at the thought. Craving something sweet you decided to make some brownies and figured that you could have them with dinner. Since you knew Jack was coming over you decided to make them gluten free so he didn’t feel terrible about eating them and breaking his diet a little. 

Your text to Jack has still been left unanswered about what time he’s coming home today but you knew he was busy finishing up with the media team. As you entered the kitchen you turned on spotify and connected it to your bluetooth speaker, randomly shuffling your playlist. After washing your hands you got everything out and started making the brownies. As you were standing there making brownies listening to Revival by Zach Brynn came on. Slowly you felt yourself softly singing to the song, giggling as you remembered Jack singing this song to you all those months ago at the lakehouse. Slowly you felt your voice sing louder and as the song got louder and Zach kept singing about how he feels reborn. Slowly you started jumping and twirling around to the lyrics. You're not sure if the music is too loud or just being stuck in your own world. Next thing you know you feel arms sneak around you, and slowly move against you. At first your body froze, scared, until you felt Jack’s voice. “Hi babygirl, i missed you.” Slowly you let yourself continue to get lost in the song. Both allowing yourselves to get lost in the song and kitchen dancing. After the song slowly came to an end, you felt yourself slowly stop dancing but neither of you pulled away yet.

“Hi Jackey, welcome home” you whisper looking up at him, as the next song slowly starts playing in the background. 

“Hey” he softly mumbles as he leans down and softly kisses your lips, no rush at all for anything more just pure love in the moment. 

“I’m surprised you didn’t stop dancing when I came up behind you.” he admits softly.

You shrug your shoulders “I don’t know, I guess I can be my real self around you, I’m not scared of showing you my emotions.” As you hear yourself admit this out loud you realize just how big of a deal this really is not only for yourself ,but  for Jack and your relationship.

“God I love you, but I really love when you let yourself be happy baby.” he admits, dipping his head down to steal another kiss. 

[lndsismaeverything]

Dungeons and dragons honor among thieves

◦°´*•.¸♡ 𝕩𝕖𝕟𝕜 𝕪𝕖𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕣 𝕩 𝕨𝕚𝕗𝕖! ℝ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕖𝕣 ♡¸.◦°˚°◦☙

Note : I was a little tired of write part 3 of siren reader x xenk because I wanted a little break . So I thought of what it be like to be xenk wife :) I hope you enjoy ! English is not my first language so sorry for the mistakes not proofread

Genre : pure fluff

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" hhhhmmm " I stretch as I felt the warm sun on my skin. I looked around to see that my husband side of the bed was empty. He most have gotten up early I thought . I've been married to a xenk for 3 years now and being his wife is the best decision I ever made.

I get dressed and made the bed before going down stairs to see my husband makeing breakfast

" good morning dear " I greated my husband grabbing a towel and a bucket of water from the barrel to clean myself up and head towards the sink

" good morning love, breakfast will be done after you washed up " xenk said in the sweetest voice ever.

" you know you could have wake me up so I could help you with making breakfast dear. " I said while I washing my face and dry myself with the towel .

" now why would I disturb my wife of her sleep? You look so peaceful sleeping , I couldn't bring myself to wake you up " xenk said ,my heart melted at his honey like words .

" do you want your eggs scramble this time? " he asked after getting two eggs

" okay " I said , getting the table ready for breakfast . Xenk is scrambling the eggs .

" here you go " I gave him a bowl to put the eggs in

" thanks love " he grabbed it from my hand and kisses my forehead

after having breakfast I gather the plates and bowl to the sink. Xenk handed me a bucket of water and help me with the dishes. I told him I can do it but him having a kind soul insist on helping. Not only did he helped me with the dishes he also help me around the house.

I've been in the wood for about an hour now to see what I can hunt for tonight supper. I didn't bring xenk with me because I know how he is when it comes to hunting. He would always let the animals go because he couldn't stand it to kill them . That's why I do the hunting and the reason why we don't eat meat often, but on some days we eat some fish. Today I'm hunting for some wild mushroom so I can make a delicious mushroom soup

" oh my goodness, I hit the jackpot this time ! " I said running to collect as many mushrooms in my basket as I can.

" perfect ! " I looked at my basket that was filled with wild mushrooms . I spent another hour around the woods collecting some berries to make a jam to go along with bread or tea , I came along a field colorful flower I decided to pick a few to decorate the house since the house seem a little dull of color.

I walk back home happily with today mushroom hunt. I open the door " I'm home " I said but no response . "Xenk most be out " I said to myself . he's probably helping someone right now. I put the basket at the kitchen counter ith the barriers I just collected. I pour some water into the vase and put the flower in to the vase. I carry it to place it at the fire place .

" I'm sure he would like the flowers " I turn and go outside to chop some wood for cooking and for the fire place. I go inside with the chopped wood in my hands and started the fire for cooking.

After some time I tasted the mushroom soup before deciding it was finished , as i covered the pot with the lid I hear the door opening and i knew it was xenk as I heard his voice and some others as well

" wait you have a wife? " a young female voice said

" yes "

" Wow how am I not surprised , of course he has a wife , why would he?" I heard another say but this time a young man voice

" welcome back home love and i see you brought visitors " I said putting the spoon down before going to kiss him on the cheek.

" I hope you don't mind us coming in " a older looking woman said.

I smiled at her and shook my head " it's no trouble at all "

" shes so nice " I hear young female whisper to the other male

" would guys like some tea? I just made wild berries jam . It would go lovely with the black tea I bought yesterday " I said grabbing the kettle and filling it with some water.

" sure why not " the man with a lute said.

" great " i said putting the kettle in the open fire . As I was pouring the hot tea into the six cups with wild berry jam . I mix each cup with a but if honey as I did I hear there conversation about the helmet .

" wait the under dark ? " doric said

" we're you trying to keep it save? Why would you ever put it down there ?" edgin complains

" because it would be the last place anyone who value their life would go " my husband said

" sounds lovely " Simon said after hearing what my husband had said where the helmet was put

" quite the opposite " my husband told Simon in a serious tone

" I know I was being ironic " Simon said as I laughed a little handing out the hot tea to them.

" thank you " doric said before grabbing the cup. I seated myself on the couch. After some time they all agreed to go to the under dark tomorrow because they don't have any choice but go and get the helmet.

I offered them to stay at the house till tomorrow because they don't have anywhere to stay . I surve them my mushroom soup for super and more black tea. We where all on the couch Simon and edgin where sitting on the carpet enjoy some tea until. Holga ask " how long have you and xenk been together? "

" married? " I asked

" yeah " holga said sipping her tea

" Ive been married with xenk for 3 year " I reply to holga

" wait 3 years? And you guys are not planning on having kids? " Simon said . I cough at Simon words because it was just out of the blue.

" are you already love?" Xenk said rubbing circle behind my back. I nodded and took another sip from my tea.

" Simon why did you have to ask that? " edgin said

"Sorry I didn't mean to-uhm- i-i "

"It's okay Simon. " I reassure him feeling a little flush. I have to admit that I have been think what our lives would be like if me and xenk have any children. I looked up to see xenk staring at me that made me clustered. He lean in close and whispered " let talk about it later okay love? " then he kisses my forehead.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

It was getting late, I gave our guess some blankets and pillows so they could comfortably stay in the living room. I walk up to to the bed and hugged my husband from the back. my arms around his neck as I gave him some small butterfly kiss . He chuckles and pulls me into his embrace.

" so are we having that talk now ?" I said giving him one more kiss but in the lips this time. He just smiled in return before speaking

" have you ever thought of having a child with me love? " he started in a serious tone

" of course " face to face , I answer and sat on his lap . " have you? " I asked him

" well certainly " xenk puts his hand around my waist ." would you like to have a child together love "

I stare at his eyes before answering with a nod . He smiles and gave me a passionate kiss full of love and warm. His hands slides up but I stop him " but now now love. We have guess " I said

" how unfortunate. But it can't be helped." Xenk lift me up and lay me down on the bed before climbing on the bed himself. He holds my hand , kisses and Squeezing them. Before looking into my eyes at saying-

" I can't wait for us to have a family love " he finished his sentence and pulls me close to him. We both cuddle and drifted off to sleep

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I hope you guys like it !

Kinda short but I spent hours on writing this and its almost 2am

𝙷𝚎𝚢 𝙸 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝚙𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎 𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚌𝚔 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚖𝚢 𝚗𝚎𝚠 𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚢 𝚡𝚎𝚗𝚔 𝚢𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚊𝚛 𝚡 𝚛𝚞𝚗 𝚊𝚠𝚊𝚢 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛

[caoimhewritingdesk]

hiya, i've been reading a lot of bella stuff cause im currently obssesed with him, i was wondering if you could write a bella x fem! reader where they're both actors and reader just had a movie come out (i would love if it's a horror) so she's having a lot of interviews and she gets asked what movie fascinated her recently and she says requiem (watch it if you haven't it's so good) and she says she knows bella has tlou coming out rn and wants to look into it cause she really liked them in requiem and thinks she's an amazing actor and let's it slip that she thinks he's also really pretty and bella hears cause fans tag them in it, but little do we know bella has had a bit of a crush on reader for some time now and then they finally meet at an award show or something and really hit it off if you know what i mean. i will leave the rest up to you! also sorry this is so long 😭

The Interview

Part 1

I'm so sorry, this has taken me so long to reply to, I've been really busy with Uni work and haven't had time to write.

Summary: You let slip that you find Bella attractive in an interview

Request anything to do with Bella and I'll try my best.

Pairing: Bella Ramsey x fem! reader

Word count: 891

You had spent the last couple of weeks promoting your new movie, it was a horror movie centring around a solo female protagonist who is hunted for sport. You had spent 6 months running in the woods covered in blood, so sitting in a hotel room answering questions from every magazine and website was a walk in the park but you couldn’t help the boredom set in around the second day when all you were being asked was how you felt acting with your male counterpart and if you were nervous to kiss him. Not being new to the industry you were used to these types of questions and they never bothered you before but today, it was just getting on your nerves. It maybe because you had spent most of the night before watching The Last of Us and edits of Bella Ramsey which then lead you to find out they were in a short film that was coming out in a couple of days. It sparked your interest and you couldn’t help but count down the days until it was going to be released. 

“You have mentioned before your love of indie movies, is there any that have sparked your interest?” The interviewer asked which knock you out of your thoughts. 

“Funny you should ask that, last night I came across a short film that looks really good. It’s called Requiem. It’s got Balla Ramsey in it and from them being incredible in The Last of Us it will no doubt be amazing” you say with a smile on your face, finally a question that isn’t the same. 

“I’ve loved watching The Last of Us, can we just have a minute to appreciate Pedro Pascal,” The interviewer said with a laugh. “My for you page on TikTok has been flooded with videos of him”

“Mine has been flooded with edits of Bella, It’s like every video” you chuckled. The interviewer responded with a raised eyebrow. Throughout your career, you have kept your private life very secret but it meant that your fans have speculated about your sexuality. For some reason, recently a blind item had come out that was rumoured to be about you and a secret girlfriend but you are single and all the blind item has done is added fuel to the fire of rumours. 

“Can I just say? I’ve been a fan of The Last of Us for years and when the show was announced I was a little worried as I didn’t want the adaptation to be bad but I have not been disappointed, the only thing that the show hasn’t got right is Joel not dying as much than when I play the game. Also, the comments of other fans have made about Bella are so disgusting, I think they need to get their eyes checked because you have to be blind to think Bella is anything other than attractive or not the perfect Ellie.” You ended up ranting and the interviewer was just nodding along, but you couldn’t help the sinking feeling in your stomach. You knew for a fact that the interviewer was going to use what you’ve said about Bella and add more fuel to the fire of speculation about your sexuality. 

A couple of days later. 

Bella has just posted a picture on Instagram of some behind-the-scenes pictures from The Last of Us. It had only been up for a couple of minutes when their phone was blown up with notifications, they knew where this was going. It would be filled with a bunch of hate comments about her and as much as he didn’t want to, he couldn’t stop himself from looking at them even though it hurts him. Only to be surprised, there were a lot of hate comments but most of them followed along the lines of: 

users1:BELLA HAVE YOU SEEN Y/N’S NEW INTERVIEW?!?!?!?!?

He knew your work very well, having watched most of the movies and TV shows you had been in. He wouldn’t say he had a crush but it was a point for his friends to tease him about. It was even something Pedro teased him about, you had a new movie released in 2021 in the middle of filming The Last of Us and for a soiled week or two, it was all he talked about. 

Pulling up YouTube to watch the interview as curiosity got the better of him. When they saw the interview in question it was clicked on immediately. For the second time in 5 minutes they were shocked, the clip from the interview was you saying “Can I just say? I’ve been a fan of The Last of Us for years and when the show was announced I was a little worried as I didn’t want the adaptation to be bad but I have not been disappointed, the only thing that the show hasn’t got right is Joel not dying as much than when I play the game. Also, the comments of other fans have made about Bella are so disgusting, I think they need to get their eyes checked because you have to be blind to think Bella is anything other than attractive or not the perfect Ellie” 

Blush crept up on his cheeks and he didn’t realise he was smiling. 

“Well, what do I do now?” he said out loud.

[yeowangies]

Blood Stains

CHAPTER XI: In spite of big fears

❧

PAIRING: Raditz/F!Reader RATING: Teen and up CONTENTS: Canon Divergence AU, Slow burn, Smut, Enemies to Lovers. WARNINGS: Canon typical violence, Blood. WORDCOUNT: 5581

Summary:

“I love Raditz. I know he’s done things, terrible things, and we had our arguments about it, you know? But I’ve seen so many sides of him to know there’s more to him than just violence. I don’t expect him to change, but I’ve made peace with his history. It made him who he is, and I love him. I love him on purpose.”

Notes:

After a million years (it's only been like four months) I finally finished this chapter!

It took me so long to be satisfied with it, I wrote, erased, rewrote, moved around, erased and rewrote again so many times.

This is heavy on dialogue, obviously since a lot of issues have to be resolved!

Next chapter is gonna be an epilogue! I already have in mind what I want to write for it, but if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I'm all ears!

You can check the tag #*bs if you wanna see the previous chapters.

Getting to Kame House never seemed like such a long trip until that very moment. It was a long way there, but whether you like it or not, you have a lot to think about. 

Raditz has kissed you repeatedly for no reason. Or well, for reasons that might have been obvious, but you don’t want to conclude anything, especially when you don’t know what he’s planning to do once the Saiyans get here. 

Bulma greets you as soon as you get to Kame House while you save your hover car inside a capsule. 

“Hey!” You smile at her, and she quickly grabs your arm and tugs you the farthest away from the house. “What are you doing?”

“Listen, I didn’t wanna say anything because I was waiting for you to tell me,” Bulma whispers, just in case someone might listen. “But you never did. I saw the security cameras the day Raditz destroyed my lab.”

“Okay…?”

“Do you really don’t know what I’m talking about?”

You frown, confused. The day Raditz destroyed her lab, what else happened that day?

You remember instantly, and immediately Bulma notices the change in your expression. 

“You kissed him! And didn’t tell me!” She practically yells, and you wince when she raises her voice. “Has he been with you all this time?”

“Not exactly.”

“Well? Aren’t you gonna tell me?”

“We weren’t… I thought it was better to keep it a secret. I didn’t think you’d see that…” Very stupid thinking, or lack of thinking on your part, you realize. Of course she was going to check the security cameras. 

“So? I’m sure it wasn’t just that one time. No wonder you didn’t visit me as often.”

You smiled despite yourself. You weren’t ready for that kind of conversation, but what was the point of still keeping it a secret then? Of course you don’t want to tell everyone just yet. But Bulma already knew.

“We… spent some time together after that, but it was on and off.”

“‘Spent some time’? Did you sleep with him?”

“Yeah…”

“You don’t sound too happy about it…”

You run a hand down your face, squeezing your eyes shut for a moment before speaking again. 

“Raditz stayed at my apartment for a few days, but… he left for God knows where, and came back every once in a while. Technically, we spent less than a month together, I guess.”

“Okay…” Bulma is smart, obviously, and you know she’s seeing right through you at the moment. “You don’t know what he’s gonna do today, do you?”

“No, we avoided the topic, most of the time. It was kind of what we agreed on.”

“How do you feel, then?”

“I honestly have no idea. I didn’t think I would feel like this… Raditz is either going to leave this planet… or he’s going to die, and both options break my heart.” Your voice wavers at the end, and you lower your gaze, trying to hold in your tears. 

“I’m sorry, I thought…” Bulma runs a hand up and down your back. 

“I know…”

“We don’t know what’s gonna happen, so calm down, ok? Goku is gonna get here soon.” Bulma reassures you, patting your head. 

You nod, at a loss of words. 

Verbalizing what you were afraid of doesn’t make you feel better at all, and now you're more on the verge of tears than before. You know that Raditz likes being with you, even when he hasn’t said it, but you doubt that would change anything. His over 30 years of existence can’t be compared to whatever relationship he’s been having with you for less than a year. 

It’s ironic how certain you feel about that conclusion when you know those days you spent with Raditz had inevitably changed your life. You can feel it in your bones, no matter the outcome of this day, you’ll be spending the rest of your life getting over him.

Everything is a blur the whole time you’re at Kame House, and you wonder if it would be better or worse if you could actually see what the hell is happening. You even wonder if you could actually sleep this day off, and wake up when it’s all over.

Hours later, you drag your feet to hop on the aircraft to get where the battle has taken place as anxiety eats your insides, and you try to tone out everyone’s voice (and you really understand Chichi’s desperation to get there as quickly as possible, but she was being really loud and that just puts you more on edge). Getting off the aircraft is easier after Chichi practically throws herself out there to look for Gohan once they land. You follow suit, landing your eyes on Goku, completely beat up and bleeding, but conscious. A little relieved, you look at Krillin briefly, noticing that he’s in a slightly better shape, before glancing around, trying to find Raditz. If he’s there at all.  

Krillin notices your trepidation, and calls your name, making you look at him. 

“That other Saiyan, Raditz, he helped us…” He smiles at you, before pointing towards his side. “He’s over there, alive but barely…”

Before you even know it, you run towards the place Krillin pointed to, and immediately spot him.

“Raditz!”

He’s looking at you through hooded lids, perplexed, when you kneel beside him. Your heart beats inhumanely fast as you eye him up and down, horrified to see him completely covered in blood and bruises, but absolutely glad he’s alive. 

“You told me you wouldn’t come here…” Raditz grumbles with a hoarse voice as you lean over him.

“I guess I lied.” 

Blood is flowing from many different places all over his body that you can’t even see where the wounds are, he might as well be bleeding from every pore. Sliding one hand down his cheek and into his scalp, your vision gets blurry when you feel hot thick liquid running through your fingers. 

How many nights did you spend with your hands up in his hair? Seeing them now soaked in his blood as you thread them through his hair only fills you with panic.

“Why are you crying?” Raditz asks, looking at you curiously. You didn’t even notice that you were until he said it, feeling your face completely drenched.

“Why am I crying?” You hiccup, smiling sourly at the ironic question. “Have you seen yourself?”

“I’ve gotten out of worse situations…” He smirks, coughing up blood before going on. “This is nothing.”

“Have you?” 

You try to comfort him with your touch, keeping your hands in his hair and softly caressing his scalp, no matter that you’re getting covered in his blood in the process. Your eyes scan over his body once more, though you’re not sure why, before landing your gaze back on his. You stare at him with so many emotions bubbling up in your chest at once, and you know he must be seeing them all, even through all your tears. 

“You’ve been keeping secrets from me.” Raditz utters, his gaze fixed on yours. You snort, amused that he can see right through you. 

“And you? What did you do? Why did you…?”

You trail off when a shaky hand slides up your cheek, wiping away a few tears with his thumb. 

It’s a simple gesture that fills your entire chest with a certain kind of warmness that you would have never expected, not in that moment. Especially because of Raditz. 

Maybe you both have been too naive.

Leaning down with your hands cupping his face, you kiss him sweetly, trying to convey how relieved and happy you are that he’s alive. Raditz returns it, skimming his hand into your hair to keep you close.

“I’m getting blood all over you…” He murmurs against your lips. 

“I don’t care.”

“I’ll stain you…” His hand in your hair drops.

“Then you’ll stain me.”

You kiss him briefly again before pulling away, just as you hear Bulma crying some feet away. You turn in her direction, confused. 

Why is she crying? You know some of the guys have passed, but you can still use the Dragon Balls. If Yamcha has died, they can still bring him back. 

But only if Piccolo is still alive…

“Did all our friends… Did they die?” You ask Raditz quietly, when you realize what the situation might be.

He only looks at you and nods meekly, and you couldn’t help your tears as they flow out of your eyes once more. 

“I’m sorry.” Raditz mutters softly, to your surprise.

“You’re sorry?” You ask, flabbergasted. He snorts with a smirk, entertained by your reaction. You sigh, showing him a small smile. “You’re gonna be okay.”

Raditz stares at you with soft eyes for a few seconds before he closes them, and you panic once he passes out.

*

There’s too much light in the room when Raditz wakes up, to the point where he thinks that place must be heaven, because everything in the room is just white and light blue, and the bed he’s on is soft and warm. 

That is until he feels a sharp pain all over his body.

Groaning, Raditz tries to move all his limbs and fingers, but only ends up making the pain much worse. He notices his entire body is bandaged, and his right arm is wrapped in a cast. The room he’s in reminds him a lot more of the room he used to stay when he got injured after his fight with Goku and Piccolo, but he knows it’s not the same place. 

He attempts several times to actually get up to find out where the hell is that place until you walk into the room.

“You’re finally awake!” You smile, before scowling at him. “Are you trying to get up?”

Raditz tries to ignore the way his heart beats enthusiastically in his chest when he sees you. It’s going to take a while to get used to that, for better or for worse. 

“I want to know where the fuck I am.” He retorts with no real contempt. 

“Again with that attitude.” You sigh, rolling your eyes. “If I recall, last time I had to trick you into saying ‘please’.”

“You’re a manipulative woman.” Raditz smirks when you walk over, sitting on his bed. 

“Excuse me?”

Your arched eyebrow and your eyes wide open amuse him to no end, making you roll your eyes when he chuckles. 

“Are you going to tell me where I am?”

“In a hospital, dufus, I’m not trying to trick you this time.”

“A hospital?” Raditz asks, confused. 

“It’s where sick people get treated.”

“I know what a hospital is. Why didn’t you bring me here the first time?”

“You were a menace to society then.” 

“And you think I’m not anymore?” It’s his turn to quirk an eyebrow. 

You show him a knowing smile, before looking down at him. 

Raditz knows he’s not as dangerous as you thought he was back then. Though you were never even afraid of him to begin with. He’s fine with that. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.” Raditz winces when he tries to move again. His body hurts from the beating he took from Vegeta, but he’s also somehow exhausted from laying down. 

“I figured.” You smile, putting your hand on his shoulder. “Try not to move too much.”

“I can’t even if I want to, can I?”

“Well you blasted a hole in the wall last time you tried to leave while you were injured, remember?”

Raditz laughed quietly, before groaning in pain. Fuck, he’s in terrible shape. 

“You have a few ribs broken.” You explain, looking out the window by the bed. “And you lost a lot of blood. The doctors were a bit shocked when they tried to do a transfusion and I told them you might not have a blood type like we do. They probably passed out when they found out I was telling the truth.”

He only understood what you were saying partially. Blood type? Humans don’t have the same kind of blood? He lets it go, not really caring enough to ask you about it. 

“What happened to Kakarot?” Raditz asks, keeping his eyes on you when you turn to face him.

“He’s ok. He has as many broken bones as you do, but he’s been conscious for days now. He didn’t lose as much blood as you did, so he’s slightly better. It’s gonna take like four months for you to heal, so take it easy, okay?”

“Four months?!”

Raditz groans exasperatedly and throws his head against the pillow, grunting in pain when he feels a sharp pain up his spine. Fuck this place. He misses the technology in Frieza’s army. 

“I told you not to move too much.” You try to contain your smile. 

He glares at you. It’s not like he’s going to leave. He doesn’t even want to, but taking so long to heal is going to be a pain in the ass. 

“Don’t worry, you probably won’t take so long to get better.” You grin reassuringly. “They’re not ready yet, but we have some magic beans here that will heal you in no time.”

“Magic beans?”

“Yeah, you get instantly better when you eat them.”

Raditz’ eyebrow twitches instantly. 

“And why didn’t you get me one of those when I was on the verge of dying a year ago?”

“You were the enemy, I couldn’t! I didn’t know what you were gonna do!”

“What other things have you been keeping from me?” He looks at you with curiosity. 

He doesn’t resent you for not telling him about things you thought were important; he does feel a little stupid for not realizing the amount of information you actually had, though it never would have occurred to him that something like ‘magic beans’ existed. 

“Well, I don’t know… I wasn’t doing it on purpose.” When he raises one brow, you roll your eyes. “Okay, maybe I was hiding some things on purpose, but what about you, mister?”

“What about me?”

“You were obviously not telling me anything.”

“About what?”

“Anything, everything! Like, what did you even do when you weren’t at my place?”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Raditz smiles, amused. That time you got upset when he mentioned he slept with another woman came to mind, and while he obviously hasn’t slept with anyone else since then, he felt the need to reassure you. “I didn’t fucked anyone else.”

“That’s not what I meant!” You blushed slightly, shaking your head. 

He tries to move his arms, or at least one arm, to pull you down and kiss you, but he only ends up grunting, feeling a pungent pain through his muscles. Your blush fades quickly and you snicker at the sight, earning a playful glare from him. 

“I told you not to move.” You quip.

“It was just that one time that I had sex with someone else.” Raditz says without provocation. 

“We already talked about this, you don’t have to explain-”

“You brought it up.”

“I didn’t!”

“I didn’t even sleep with her.”

“What?” You frown, not following. 

“We just had sex.”

“…What do you mean?” You frown deeper as you raise your voice. “Do not give me details, or I swear to God.”

“It’s exactly like I said.” Raditz huffs, trying not to smile at your reaction. “We just had sex.”

“In the middle of nowhere?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened afterwards?”

“Nothing. I finished and left her there.”

Raditz frowns when he sees the expression on your face transforming into what can only be anger, but he doesn’t know why you’re mad this time.

“You left her there? Just like that? Raditz!” You yell, making him jolt instantly, pain pulsing through his muscles.

“What was I supposed to do?” He asks, confused. 

“Not throw her away like a used ragdoll! This angers me more than you sleeping with her to begin with!”

“Wh-What?!” His body is in pain from tensing up after your outburst, but Raditz is just perplexed. What should he have done then?

“You’re not supposed to treat women like that!”

“What are you talking about?” Raditz asks loudly. “I’m not going to fuck anyone else, so why are you even telling me this?!”

Your expression softens considerably, and it takes him a few seconds to realize that reassuring you of the fact that he only is interested in you is what you need. When your cheeks flush faintly, he smirks triumphantly. 

“Okay…” You smile softly, and Raditz isn’t prepared for the warmth he feels in his chest. At least he’s in the hospital if it ends up being a disease or something. “Was that something you were hiding too?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you said to let you know when our arrangement would be over… But now, it sounds like you don’t want it to end.”

“I wasn’t thinking that far ahead.”

“Oh…”

“No.” Raditz says as soon as he notices the sad gleam in your eyes. “I wasn’t thinking because… I was enjoying our time together. And I was sure I could stop seeing you at any moment. I was being an idiot.”

“Maybe we both were.” Your smile is on your face again, though he still sees a little sorrow in it. “I thought we could keep it simple, you know? We really should have talked in depth about this.” 

“Because the last time we talked about ‘our feelings’ it ended so well.” He jests, rolling his eyes. 

“Come on!” You nudge his side with your hand gently, making him grin. “All the more reason to talk, don’t you think? We have been keeping a lot of things from each other.”

“You more than anyone.” Raditz remarks with playful annoyance. 

“Honestly, baby, who’s counting?” You return his playful smile, and he knows whatever might have happened between the two of you isn’t a threat to the relationship you had. Whatever that relationship is. 

He’s been wanting to kiss you since you walked into the room, but he doesn’t have the ability to move any limbs at the moment and it never frustrated him so much to be immobilized. With a brief second of looking into each other’s eyes, you seemingly read his mind, though, and shifted on the bed to lean down and kiss him. 

Does that warm feeling in his chest whenever he sees you come with telepathic powers? 

You sweetly press your lips to his, softly moving them, and Raditz feels like it’s been ages since he had a taste of you. He wants more, so much more than just a simple peck on the lips, but there’s nothing he can do once you pull away, cupping his face in your hands and leaning your forehead over his. 

“Raditz…”

He notices the shift in your tone as you speak.

Raditz still doesn’t fully grasp how many emotions humans even have (apparently Saiyans are capable of them, but he’s been exposed to anger, hatred and violence all his life that he doesn’t recognize them when he feels differently). You seem sad, maybe it was because your friends have died. 

He recalled the moment when he was laying on the dirt after Vegeta took off, and you were looking down at him, eyes filled with tears. He didn’t know how, but he perfectly recognized the gleam in them then. 

Affection. It was even dripping from your tears as you cried, like you couldn’t contain them. You are wearing a similar gleam just now, as you look at him carefully. 

“I don’t know what I would have done…” You whisper, so quiet for only Raditz to hear. “If you had…”

You trail off, leaving the words hanging in the air. The emotion in your voice, he understands that too; fear, embarrassment and nervousness. 

“Hopefully use those Dragon Balls.” Raditz replies wittily, making you snort. 

“If Piccolo died, then…” Your voice is still somber, even with the soft look you’re giving him. “We can’t use the Dragon Balls…”

“Those things have too many rules to function.” He frowns, perplexed. “Was that another thing you forgot to mention about them?”

“Well actually, I did forget. I wasn’t thinking about that detail.” 

“So you can’t bring back any of your friends.”

“No, but we have a plan.” You smile widely, pulling away from him as you sit back. 

“A plan?”

Raditz listens to you carefully as you explain that Bulma, Krillin and Gohan are set to go to Namek in just a couple of days, to find the Dragon Balls that supposedly exist on that planet. He sweats slightly while you speak; the planet Namek is a peaceful place, without any significant threat. But he knows that Frieza sometimes liked to listen in on the conversation his soldiers have through the scooters. There’s a chance he might know about the Dragon Balls and Namek if he heard Vegeta talking about it.

“You’re not going to go, are you?” He asks first and foremost. He’s in no condition to go himself, but if you decide to go then he would have no other choice. 

“Of course not, I wouldn’t be of any help.” You snort, amused. 

Raditz lets out a sigh he didn’t know was holding in. 

“Namek is not a dangerous planet, its inhabitants are peaceful and weak. There shouldn’t be any problem…” 

“But?” You ask, noticing the uncomfortable look on his face.

“Saiyans are not the strongest race. I was lying about that.” Raditz states, looking into your eyes. “Tell your friends to be careful. Vegeta might show up looking for those things too.”

“I’ll tell them to be alert.” You nod, completely serious. He’s satisfied with your answer so he doesn’t talk about the matter anymore. 

He has nothing to worry about if you’re not going on that trip, and he can’t wait to heal so he can actually grab you and press you closer. Apparently whatever emotion is coursing through his veins made him completely attached to you. It’s a literal pain not being able to pull you down for a kiss. 

Your eyes are on him with a warm look on them, and the more you stare, the more he feels like something is bubbling up inside him. 

“Sit on my face.” Raditz says out of the blue. He watches with amusement as your face goes from surprise to confusion to embarrassment in less than a second. 

“What?”

“Sit on my face.” He repeats, smirk growing wider when he notices the faint blush on your cheeks. “I can’t do much in this situation, but I know damn well what I’m good at.”

Raditz licks his lips in anticipation, looking at you with a lecherous glimmer that only makes you blush harder. It’s still fun to tease you that way, but he’s truly desperate to taste you again after so long. After all, he was in a coma for days. 

“I’m not doing that.” You glare playfully, crushing his dreams. “This is a hospital, and I don’t know if you noticed but you’re bedridden until further notice.”

“I can still move my tongue and that should be enough.”

When you laugh, it’s like music to his ears, and even then he couldn’t help but grin. 

“Not this time, handsome. I’ll sit on your face all you want some other time.”

Raditz grunts, annoyed, but he’s rewarded with a kiss on his lips.

It’s the kiss he’s been wanting since you walked in there, or maybe even long before that. Sliding your tongues together, gliding your lips slowly and sensually, and he hates that he can’t even cup your face or wrap his arms around you. You sneak one hand into his hair, caressing his scalp, and a low purr rumbles from his chest. 

He’s really fucked. 

You break the kiss sooner than Raditz expects when the door suddenly opens. 

“Who are you?” Raditz asks with contempt when a man dressed in white walks in. 

“I’m your doctor.” The man answers with a stern tone, glaring at the both of you. “And this isn’t a hotel.”

“Sorry, doc, I was just happy he was awake.” You reply naturally. 

“You’re his wife, right?”

“She’s my mate.” Raditz replies before you can even open your mouth.

He hasn’t thought it through when those words escaped his lips, but you’re looking at him with a wide smile so he doesn’t regret it at all.

The doctor looks at the both of you with confusion so you speak, still smiling and looking at Raditz with affection in your eyes. 

“I’m his girlfriend.”

*

You recall everything that happened in the past year as you walk to the room Goku was staying at. 

Raditz’s heel-face turn was surprising; you didn’t expect him to be influenced by anything, especially you. If anything, you were ready for the most gruesome outcome after Goku arrived. No one told you exactly what happened during the battle, but you don’t really need to know more; Krillin had said that Raditz helped and that was more than enough for you.

As you approach the room, you see Chichi coming out alone. 

Maybe it was time to apologize to her. Bulma wasn’t wrong months ago when she said you also didn’t try to reach out after Goku died and Gohan was taken, and while you weren’t the only one responsible, you were still involved.  

“Chichi.” You call for her and the moment she looks at you, her expression hardens. “Chichi, I’m sorry.”

“For what, exactly?” She only gives you a moment to open your mouth but doesn’t let you speak. “For not telling me that my husband had died? For saving the monster that killed him? For letting my son be kidnapped?”

“Um, all that, but if you would hear me out-”

“I don’t need to, I already know everything. And this is not the place to talk about this.” Chichi coldly cut you off before you could add anything else, walking right past you. “Goodnight.”

Your shoulders droop as you watch her leave, sighing loudly. Maybe eventually, she’ll listen.

Knocking on Goku’s door before stepping in, you smile at the sight of him, still amused that he looks like a mummy, trapped in a sarcophagus. He returns the smile, calling your name as you take the seat next to him. 

“You still look so funny.” You comment, giggling like a little girl.

“It’s not as fun as it looks like.” Goku replies, pouting. He seems like a child at that moment as well, and it warms your heart.

It would be the first time you actually talk to him, one on one, since he died. And even before that, it was years ago. You haven’t realized how much you missed him until now. 

“I’m still happy you’re okay.” You smile gently. Goku blinks before returning the gesture. 

“I heard you’re the reason Raditz helped us during the fight.”

“You heard?” 

“Okay, I kinda saw it.” Goku admits with a knowing grin.

“That sounds even weirder.” You laugh, but he only shrugs, as if it was the most obvious thing.

“When Vegeta threatened to destroy this planet, the look on Raditz’s face kinda spoke for itself.” 

“What do you mean?”

“I’m no mind reader, but he looked scared. And he jumped back on the battle and took our side and helped us in the blink of an eye.” He waits for your reaction, but your blank expression prompts him to go on. “I figured you might have something to do with his change of heart?”

“Why do you think that?” 

“I saw you kissing. I wasn’t unconscious, you know?” 

“Oh…” You blush slightly, but the smile on your face only gets wider, just like Goku’s grin does. 

“So, you two are together, huh?”

“We are. Sometimes this still feels surreal.”

“What do you mean?” Goku asks, confused. 

“That Raditz chose to stay. I thought he might end up leaving this planet, or that he’d die. I’m so happy that wasn’t the case.”

Goku looks at you with soft eyes. He might not be the brightest of the bunch, or at least that’s what everyone thinks about him, but he understands people’s feelings more than anyone else, and at that moment, he’s looking at you like he knows all the fear and trepidation you had been going through the past twelve months. 

“But he stayed.” He says, reassuringly. 

“Yeah, and I’m so grateful.”

“Do you love him?” Goku asks, to your own surprise. That softness is still in his eyes, and you can’t help the warmth that spreads through your chest when you answer his question. 

“I do. I love Raditz. I know he’s done things, terrible things, and we had our arguments about it, you know? But I’ve seen so many sides of him to know there’s more to him than just violence. I don’t expect him to change, but I’ve made peace with his history. It made him who he is, and I love him. I love him on purpose.” 

Your face is hot, not because you’re embarrassed, but you assume the way your heart is currently beating has something to do with it. Confessing out loud that, in spite of deep fears, you were unequivocally in love with Raditz made your blood run faster. Goku is grinning, completely pleased with your answer, and amused that you’re blushing. 

“I guess he’s staying on Earth, then.”

“I suppose so.”

“Chichi aint gonna be happy about it.” Goku chuckles, but you only smile for a second. 

“About that, I’m sorry I didn’t talk to her…” You say, this time truly ashamed. 

“Whaddaya mean?”

“About what happened when you died…” 

You are not sure how much Goku knows about the situation, but you know you have to apologize for almost all of it. Not talking to Chichi in time, letting his son be kidnapped (even when there wasn’t much any of you could do). You had been too wrapped in your own bubble to think about it but in retrospect, you feel terrible. 

“Chichi only found out about your death and Gohan’s kidnapping over 24 hours after it happened. I’m sorry.”

Goku blinks, and you wonder if he even knows what you’re talking about. His subsequent smile is your answer.

“You’re the first one who apologized about it.”

“Really?” You ask, taken aback. 

“Krillin kinda did but not really. He only said sorry because he was scared of Chichi.”

You facepalm, in disbelief his best friend would be so vague and kind of a dick when talking about Goku’s wife. 

“I assume Bulma did not even mention it?” You ask, ready to be annoyed. 

“She didn’t, she sounded more mad about Chichi than anything else? I didn’t get it.”

You roll your eyes. Bulma is resentful for a woman who has everything and anything she wants at the reach of her hand.

“She was mad that I didn't invite her to the wedding.” Goku adds.

“I know.” You sigh, exasperated. 

“Why? Back then, I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“You think it is now?”

“Well…” Goku fixed his eyes on the ceiling, thinking for a second before answering. “I didn’t really know what the big deal about marriage was. I never even went to a wedding! When Chichi asked me if I wanted to invite you guys, I said no because we only saw each other for training and adventures and stuff.”

That reasoning sounds so much like him that you didn’t have it in you to be even a little mad. Of course, you were never too upset about it as Bulma was. 

“Bulma is still a little childish.” You comment, but Goku only shrugs. 

“I didn’t think she’d be mad about it. I guess I could have invited you all for the wedding, since it was a big deal after all. I wouldn’t have gotten to know Chichi, and Gohan wouldn’t even exist.”

So Goku loves Chichi. 

It should have been obvious. The way he talked about her, as Goku-like as that was, and the way you noticed how he looked at her. They only married because of a promise they made as kids, you wouldn’t have expected them to actually get to know each other and fall in love. You should’ve known.

“Goku, I can’t say I wasn’t childish back then,” You start, and he turns to look at you with quizzical eyes. “But it’s been a while, and honestly it’s cute you found someone you decided to spend the rest of your life with, even if it was just a promise. I know you love her after all these years.”

“I do.” Goku grins. “She’s great! She’s patient with me about a lot of things I don’t get, and she’s real sweet. She’s cute when she gets mad, too.”

You chuckle. Is it a Saiyan thing to like women with a little attitude?

“Hopefully she’ll warm up to me. We’re family after all, now.”

“We are?” Goku questions, brows furrowed. 

“Well yeah. I’m dating your brother, we’re in laws now.”

“Huh.” He thinks about it for a second before smiling. “That sounds fun. Maybe Raditz won’t be so bad, either.”

“Give him a chance. You did say he helped save the Earth and all.”

“It’d be cool to spar with him! I know I can beat him!”

You smile, excited to see how this new period of your life will be like. 

[enigmaticexplorer]

Hello, Alli! I'm dropping in for your End of "I Yearn, and So I Fear" celebration!

I'm going to be excited to see how it ends, but it's going to leave a hole in my world for a while. I've really grown to look forward to Thursdays. I think about it now and then during the first part of the week...what day is it? Is tomorrow Thursday? No...today is just Tuesday, there will be one more day. But on Wednesday nights when I remember there will be a new chapter in less than 12 hours, I get so excited (or nervous sometimes.) I've become so immersed in this story, I know I'm going to ugly cry when it's actually over. I'm already preparing myself.

Every other Thursday I have therapy. When I get to the parking lot, I'll check on my phone and see if the new chapter has been posted, and if it has, I'll read as much as I can before I have to go in. If it's not posted yet, I know it will be by the time I'm done. I hurry out afterwards and even though I'm heading onto work, I take the time to either finish what I'd started earlier or read the whole thing, if it hadn't been posted before.

And then I'll either cry or be happy, depending on what happens. It affects me that much. Then when I'm at work, I'll quickly go to a Discord server I belong to and post about the new chapter, because there are 2 other people on there who are currently reading it. And we talk about it. All 3 of us read it as soon as we possibly can.

I have so many favorite parts, it's hard to pick just one but one of my favorites is in Chapter XI when Kazi, Neyti, and Wolffe go to the Marketplace together. The whole trip was amazing...

The way Wolffe took hold of Kazi's arm and then did the Mr. Darcy hand flex.

The 3 of them eating citrus-stars together.

Wolffe telling the jerk in the alley to fuck off so that he wouldn't bother Kazi and Neyti anymore.

The fact that Kazi actually laughed hard when the monkeys were harrassing Wolffe.

The whole scene at the lingerie stall that then led to an actual genuine grin from Wolffe, and Kazi noticed.

It was amazing and I lost count how many times I went back to read it.

Thanks again for writing this fic and sharing it with us. I know it was so much work, but I hope you realize how much pleasure it's brought us.

Carol (@clonethirstingisreal)

I Yearn and so I Fear Fic Celebration

Hi Carol :)

Thank you so much for sharing this! I've said it before, but I don't think I can emphasize how much this means to mean, to know that you look forward to Thursdays and get excited to read this story. It's reassuring to know that all the time I spent on it wasn't wasted, and I'm so, so grateful that you and others have been along for this ride, and that you're sharing your thoughts with me!

Chapter XI is one of my top 5 chapters! I'm giddy thinking that you loved it as much, too! Each of the reasons you pointed out are my reasons for liking it; I just loved Wolffe grinning (the first time in the fic) and the easiness in which him, Kazi, and Neyti fall into together!

As always, thank you for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I know I've fallen off on the comments/reblogs on the most recent chapters, but each comment reminds me why I wrote this story, and I really appreciate you!

[cosmichighpriestess]

Your brain is assuming the worst case scenario because it is trying to protect you. People who suffer from this, it is known as catastrophic thinking. But realize, your brain was designed to support you from the beginning and, work in your favor. It supports your main behaviors. You can reprogram it through your behaviors, feelings, thoughts, beliefs and actions. It's reprogrammable.

Remember a majority of your thoughts do not come from your own head. A majority of your thoughts almost 95 percent of your thoughts originate from the collective consciousness. Always question if a thought belongs to you and then release it if it's negative telling you lies about yourself and the people around you. These are all illusions meant to lower your vibration to get you off your highest path. And then on top of that psychic attack, your brain will give you even more anxiety if you are someone who has spent many years alone or isolated for the most part and things like going to the grocery store or anywhere gives you anxiety. Your brain thinks it's protecting you because your brain responds to your behaviors.

Your brain also interprets change as dangerous, coming up with catastrophic, worst case scenario events that have not even taken place; especially if you have anxiety, ADHD and depression. Negative experiences are powerful and get stored quickly into your long term memory. Reframing a negative situation can make it less powerful. The brain sends and receives chemical and electrical signals throughout the body constantly. Different signals control different processes, and your brain interprets each. You must identify as the person that you wish to become now. Not someday, but today.

For example, If I was having anxiety about my appearance when I was getting ready every single day, and I felt insecure getting ready every morning, my brain would interpret that as a default behavior for me because of my everyday behaviors; the brain would say to my body, "our main behavior is feeling insecurity and anxiety. We want to support you in your main behaviors. Let me give you more anxiety and insecurity. I'm protecting and helping you because this is your behavior default." The brain does this automatically.

"Oh you miss that person who's your ex or this person who is passed on? Let me give you more feelings of missing them to support you." You are telling your brain how to support you by your behaviors. So you must do the opposite, to reprogram your mind and your anxiety will lesson the more your behavior changes. So this is why you must become pretty much delusional, and have opposite positive behaviors until your brain accepts that as the truth so that it can work in your favor. Challenge limiting beliefs. Remember that beliefs are meaningless hallucinations and you can replace them at any time if they are not serving your highest good. Start small, change one habit at a time.

Write small notes where you can see them everyday. "Breathe, remember who you are. You are amazing. You are beautiful. Release all your guilt. Forgive yourself. You are worthy. You are whole and complete now. You are doing enough. Chin up. Straighten your posture. Eat something healthy. Take your vitamins. Do something that makes you happy. Rest. Feel gratitude and appreciation. Feel joy for no reason at all." Ect. You can write whatever reminder you need to remember daily. You can also do this with affirmations. And remember it's a done deal. We are always shifting, you don't have to learn how to shift.

You have to remember to consciously shift your thoughts, your view of yourself and your view of the world. Also your behaviors and feelings into what you prefer. We are shifting parallel realities billions of times per second, it's so easy to shift in one second, so don't limit yourself and think that it's going to take a lot of time to raise your vibration to shift. Time follows thought. Erase your negative thoughts. Don't be afraid of what happens next. You are not actually afraid of the unknown, you are afraid of what you have seen already happen to others or yourself. How bad you feel is not actually how bad things are; it's an illusion. Avoid jumping to conclusions.

Always remember, that whatever is not compatible with your current vibration cannot have any affect on you if you remain in that state, in the vibration of how you want to feel. When you feel like a dark energy has attached itself to you or you feel down, say this everyday, " I call back my energy and power back to me from all beings, from all people, from all places, from all timelines, from all dimensions and re-ground it into my present self blessed and transformed. I call on the Angels and I call on God I release all this old energy that does not belong to me. That does not serve my highest good. Release these energies and elements up above with love and light now. Thank you, thank you, God and the Angels. I love you. I love you. I love you so much."

Be mindful, slow down, breathe, practice meditation daily, positive affirmations daily, and ask yourself what is the best choice I can make right now in this moment? Repeat after me: " Everything is okay. I'm safe. These dark thoughts do not belong to me. I am the luckiest person alive. Everything is always working in my favor. All I have to do is sit back, relax and receive. There's nothing I need to do. I've done all of the work, It's already manifested. I choose to feel grateful for everything in my life now." Everything is here and now. Always bring your awareness into this now moment. Don't become a vibrational match to your fears.

When we hold a frequency of opposition, we are actually giving the opposing forces our energy. So don't give them your energy. When you push against a certain reality, you give it more strength. Just focus on yourself and focus on releasing all of the dense energy, and limiting beliefs that do not belong to you and were handed down to you. Remember that love and light always wins in the end, so there's nothing to be afraid of if you hold all the power.

[inkofamethyst]

September 20, 2024

It's not at all that I'm annoyed or frustrated with my advisor. I absolutely trust his judgement over mine right now. I am frustrated with myself. It's like.. I'm really, really trying to prove myself. I want to be good at science, and I think I'm improving, but every time I try to.. demonstrate, like, brilliance or something (and maybe "brilliance" is too egotistical of a word for what I'm trying to say, perhaps "engagement" or even like "ability to analyze, synthesize, and propose scientific thought"), I come out of the conversation having failed entirely. And that failure feels humiliating.

A big part of it is that I feel like the road my PhD is currently on is laid out for me in a way that literally just follows what my postdoc has done for the past few years. I mean, in all fairness, she's done amazing work! I think the methods I plan to use will be excellent for answering relevant questions robustly. I look forward to following in her footsteps, actually. It's just that, like, it feels like cheating? It feels like being given a cheat code, but in a bad way (and like, look, I know that science is iterative and builds on itself and is meant to be replicated, but full replication isn't actually encouraged by scientific culture, regardless of what scientists try to tell themselves). And while it may make my program progression more straightforward, I will always feel like I will exist in the shadow of the person who did this first. And it's honestly not even that I want fame or recognition or whatever. It's literally that I want to be seen as a scientist in my own right. That's all!! That's where the frustrations stem from!!

And if I dig deeper, I'll likely find that it really just stems from insecurity (or course). I feel uncertain, I feel like people are observing me to see if I will fail or fly, if I'm all that my recommenders made me out to be. Part of me recognizes that it's incredibly self-centered and that, ultimately, most people do not care. But I can't seem to help it! I can't seem to help but compare myself to members of my cohort who seem particularly On It as second years ("second" years.. some were research assistants in their labs before starting grad school tbf).

So I try to thoroughly digest primary literature. I make note of all the various methods so I can try to be informed, so I can propose study systems and keep up when others are talking.. but I just can't seem to crack experimental design.

It's also tough when the most recent lab graduate and the next up lab graduate seem brilliant. And when the graduate before them seems brilliant. I just feel devastatingly normal and even a bit out of place because of it.

Also, I spent a number of weeks testing and writing out various ideas for this fellowship I want to apply for and I wasn't sure if any of them were good enough ("good" standing in for several factors), but I'm going to just end up proposing the first thing I wrote: a copy of my postdoc's work but just applied to a different study system, "my" system. So it also feels a little like a waste of time and effort when I could've been basically through a whole draft or two by now instead of trying to be creative, trying to prove that I have what it takes to maybe be brilliant, if not today then one day.

hhhhh at this point I don't even want comfort. I just want to get over myself.

And oreos. I also want to eat just enough oreos that I feel better but not so many that my stomach protests. But I need to eat real food first.

Today I'm thankful that I for some reason decided to look at the microscope schedule to discover that I had fifteen minutes left booked, not an hour and fifteen, as I'd thought. Also thankful that I was able to export my images in just ten minutes (on the flip side, that may be a sign that the images suck ugh). At least my day didn't get worse.

Thankful for my island-friend who is always down for a chat, even one where I just moped the whole time. Thankful for the discord chat's newly-formed Fart Crew ("fiber art crew" bc I threw out a bad idea to get the brainstorm going and everyone rallied behind it (much to my dismay)) and the chat we had a few days ago. I like my friends here but I also miss those guys so much.

[edit: my angst could very well be related to hunger.. need to fuel better]

[autumnrose11]

Feeling horribly miserable today :(

I've dragged myself through my final year of high school and it's been SO lonely for the past eight months. I haven't been very happy during my last school year, tbh. I feel like I don't fit in because I've got nothing in common with the people in my class. Seriously, I've spent my breaktimes sitting at one side reading/writing fanfiction and reading novels with absolutely no one to talk to. I'm pretty quiet and most of the time during these last few months I've simply felt invisible. Idk, I just want someone to be deep, genuine friends with who's on my wavelength but I haven't found them yet. I'm just feeling sick and tired of all of it.

They don't get me, I don't get them, so there's nothing I can deeply get into with them apart from schoolwork, and there's only so much you can discuss about how your plans for university are going. (Which is part of the reason I love tumblr because you guys have the same interests as me!!) The other girls are into dance and films that aren't really my cup of tea and having boyfriends and going on dates and stuff. Not that that's a bad thing, I know everyone has their interests, but.... The only guy I've been in love with is fictional, and regarding the boys in my year.... the less said the better, because they are crude, vulgar and unhealthily sex obsessed on another level. I don't approve of dating just for the heck of it, just because everyone else is doing it. Generally, the most widely read novels in my peer group are Colleen Hoover, Fifty Shades, etc. I'm not saying you *shouldn't* read that stuff, but... Surely there are other avenues of literature you can and should explore? In my mind sex is done out of love and affection . Body and soul. I don't get why on earth they'd warp it into something so sick and twisted. So the feelings I have are overwhelmingly isolating.

It simply feels like I don't have one single person my own age to speak to who really *gets* me without my having to explain myself. My mum is currently one of my best friends.

The only bright spot on the horizon is that I'm going off to uni in a few months, and I'm trying to tell myself I'm going to find someone soon, but I'm just scared that won't ever happen and I'll have to continue alone like this forever.

(this meltdown will clear up in a bit. Maybe I should go have some coffee. I just needed to get it all out).

[piratefalls]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @ninzied! thank you friend!

How many works do you have on ao3?

40!

What's your total ao3 word count?

169,903, which is a shock to me because it really doesn't feel like that much.

What fandoms do you write for?

previously teen wolf/sterek and hawaii five-0/mcdanno, currently taking my first stab at rwrb/firstprince

Top five fics by kudos:

(Waiting) Until the Sky Falls Down on Me (sterek)

Today and Every Day (sterek)

I'm Gonna Give All My Secrets Away (stanny)

Man, Interrupted (sterek)

it's my (pants) party and i'll cry if i want to (sterek)

Do you respond to comments?

i do my best! sometimes i'm terrible at it, but i try!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't really do angsty endings! I'm a HEA kinda girl.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

probably either Today and Every Day or it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes because they both end in proposals lol

Do you get hate on fics?

never hate, but i've had a comment here and there that wasn't necessarily appreciated

Do you write smut?

not really anymore. i got myself to do it because it felt like the only thing that got traction and maybe if that was good enough it'd be a gateway to the stuff i enjoyed writing (and, frankly, stuff i spent far more time on). and i don't think i'm particularly good at smut anyway lol. but if given the choice between smut or funny/introspective i'm gonna go with the latter every time.

Craziest crossover:

I haven't done a crossover!

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

so idk who remembers this but a while ago there were people who would post people's fics to Goodreads and one of mine wound up there and those reviews hurt my feelings enough that i quit writing for a while after.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

not to my knowledge!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

haven't, but i think it could be fun with the right partner!

All time favorite ship?

this is an impossible question and i can't choose. i love them all equally, just for different reasons.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

good lord my person of interest post-canon fic. will anyone read it? very unlikely. is it the principle of the thing? yes.

What are your writing strengths?

i genuinely have no idea. i've never given it any real thought. i mean, the build of what i write is some form of introspection mixed with humor, so probably those things.

What are your writing weaknesses?

plot and world building. i'm useless at it, for the most part. and like i said above, i don't think i'm great at smut. it's passable at best.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

i love it. though i do miss the days when people regularly utilized that hover function that would show the translation if you left your mouse over the phrase for a few seconds. way better than having to scroll down to the notes for the translation.

First fandom you wrote in?

teen wolf. much simpler times.

Favorite fic you've written?

I don't have a single favorite so I'm gonna go with a few for different reasons

humor: Got Your Body On My Mind (I Want it Bad) - mcdanno & co get sent to a sexual harassment training seminar. chaos ensues.

character analysis: Written in the Scars on Our Hearts - steve mcgarrett and all the ways a person can be touched and the

most cathartic: & lift him back up again - working through my own grief by making a character sad

crack, my beloved: it's my (pants) party and i'll cry if i want to - every time stiles orgasms his dick sounds like a party horn. there's glitter come. i might have been hammered.

tagging @wellhalesbells @priincebutt + i feel like doing an open tag for anyone who wants to share what they love about their work!

[idontlikeem]

i have some hockey-related asks, i'm going to try to get to them tomorrow. sorry guys, been a bad mental health weekend for me.

i thought maybe writing about it would help, so that's under the cut, but i'm discussing mental health stuff and a bit of food stuff so please don't click and read if you're sensitive to that, and even if you're not don't feel any obligation to click and read lol i just am complaining mostly.

as someone who's had mild clinical depression and moderate generalized anxiety for basically my whole life, it's kind of...shocking to me to sometimes pull my head up and look around and see just how badly i'm being affected by acute situational depression.

it has a different flavor and a different feel. i'm familiar with the struggle to motivate, the lack of desire to get tasks i find unpleasant done even when i know i have to do them, and the occasional bouts of like...idk just Existential Sad. i've always had that, and i've always been able to sort of stiff-upper-lip my way through it and come out feeling better after a few hours or days of feeling not so great.

this? jesus christ.

i cannot make myself get out of bed in the mornings more than a few minutes before i have to log on for work. i lose time during the work day just staring into space. i haven't taken my dog for a long walk in weeks (now part of that is due to the very extreme weather and now my fucked-up knee, but if those things hadn't happened i cannot with confidence say i'd be out there with her). i lie down and just want to...stay there.

i've always been a comfort/stress-eater. i've struggled with my weight for always, not exactly helped along with my mom's absolutely awful approach to body image and like. idk just general care and maintenance of a teenage girl's weight, this is all stuff i don't even want to get into lol, but suffice to say that i am not at my healthiest physical self and have for years sort of made myself feel better with little snacks. but now? i don't eat all day and it's like i can feel that i'm hungry, i understand that the reason my stomach hurts is because it's 4:45 pm and i haven't had anything but coffee today, but i cannot get myself to get up and go downstairs and have something. i bought protein shakes and those have been getting me through the really bad days, but even though they're the brand and flavor i like best when i'm training for long runs (koia vanilla bean and chocolate brownie btw if anyone needs recommendations), they taste like chalk and i have to force them down.

the insidious part is i think i'm doing ok. i get through a work day and maybe, like, do the dishes and say 'hey! look at me, being independent. i'm doing just fine'. and then i walk past the giant pile of stuff i've ordered to try and make myself feel better and haven't even opened. there's a pile of boxes downstairs that i cannot motivate myself to open. i go past it and i go upstairs and i lie down and that's it. the whole afternoon and evening passes and i just stare at my phone trying to keep my mind blank because if i don't i start crying and can't stop.

you can find articles out there that outside of the literal death of a spouse or child, divorce is one of the most stressful events a person can go through. and i fucking believe it. i have never felt this bad for this long in my whole entire life.

i hate feeling like this and it's been worse this weekend than since this whole fucking thing started, i think, and it's so DUMB because we actually got some good news with my mom (along with some bad but that's end-stage cancer for you), so you'd think that would pick me up and help me? you'd think i could have used these days to do some of the things i need to do, like actually putting my clothes in the dresser i finally bought? but no. i've spent basically since friday night getting out of my bed long enough to take daisy to do her business when she needs to go and use the bathroom myself, and that's...it, basically.

this is so stupid. there are so many worse things in life than this, so many people who are going through really bad shit, but all i can do is sit here and thing about how fucking worthless and thrown-away i feel. how pointless. like i'm a piece of trash that just can be discarded when someone's done using it up.

i don't even miss him. right? like i don't. he was bad for me. but holy shit.

[abenvs3000w23]

A Life of Ambiguity

When viewing this week's course material and seeing there was no prompt, I had an immediate feeling of uncertainty and stress. I started thinking about why I have this automatic fear when it comes to open-ended assignments, and many other situations in life that are ambigious. This made me wonder if any of my classmates feel the same way so I decided to write this weeks post on the ambiguity and uncertainty of many aspects of life.

Throughout my life, I have found myself to be indecisive. Even small choices about what I want to eat or what I want to do with my free time are difficult for me. The reason for this is my fear that with something so open-ended, I will make the "incorrect" choice. Due to my indecisiveness and lack of passion in the past, the ambiguity of life has been challenging at times. Like many of you, I am still finding myself. Although I have come to terms with not knowing myself entirely, I was not always this way. 

From a young age. I felt pressure from my parents, friends, and teachers through elementary and high school to find myself, find what I'm passionate about, and determine “what I want to be when I grow up.” This pressure continued through my teen and early adult years, with much of the pressure coming from myself. I felt behind as it seemed that all my peers had a plan in life, and I did not. Many of my friends knew what they wanted in their futures. They had the program and university they wanted to attend planned out, had hobbies, and spent time doing things they found enjoyable. At the time, I had not found a sport or hobby that interested me. Due to this uncertainty and the many paths one can take after high school, I decided to do what most of my friends and older sister had done. As it is now clear, I am enrolled at the University of Guelph. I decided to get my Bachelor of Science degree, majoring in biological science. I chose this program because science and math were the only subjects I didn’t dislike in high school. I also discovered that this program is very open regarding selecting courses. This allowed me to be my indecisive self and explore several avenues until I discovered my interests. Throughout my first and second years at the university, I took many diverse courses, including criminal justice, food science, environmental science, botany, genetics, human kinetics, computer science, chemistry and many more. By doing so, I found my passions in botany and many fields of environmental science. I am so grateful I decided to jump into something I was unsure about, as finding these passions through my degree has shaped the person I am today.

Life is full of decision-making, which can be challenging at times, especially when you haven't discovered what you're passionate about. The best part about the ambiguity of life is that you always have other options. It doesn't matter how long it takes someone to find their passions and there's never a single choice in life you can't come back from.

How did you find your passions and hobbies?

As I said, in the past year, I discovered my passion for plants. As I have taken more botany courses and environmental sciences relating to plants, my indoor plant collection has grown. So much so that the room I originally used for my office has become a little indoor greenhouse. If you have been following my blog, you would know that I love photography. I took some photos to share today of my plant collection.

[koolades-world]

Hey ade! Long time no see! My school started back up again, and I just had a huge paper due. It feels a weight off my shoulders for now, but I know this semester is going to progressively get worse… so I’m trying to hang on. Therefore, I’ve been very excited in looking at your regular updates for Spellbound Secrets! So I think I’ll be waiting till it finishes so I can binge read it! I’m sure it’s awesome! Although I hope I can continue reading it if it doesn’t make me uncomfortable, because I have this weird feeling where I feel like I’m betraying Satan by reading something romantic related to the rest of the cast. It’s a stupid reason, I know T^T But! I was wondering what your thesis is- like what you’re working on! Because as a HUGE chem lover, and by that extension- science, I’m curious! Not only is my favourite author writing about my favourite character, but they’re also interested in a field I adore so much?? You just keep getting cooler and cooler in my eyes!

HIII!!!

omg you just made my day so much better! some stuff happened this morning and it's a giant mess, but i'm working through it a little at a time. saw this earlier and couldn't answer until now because i too was on the schoolwork grind. not that i procrastinated, but i spent all of yesterday doing one assignment because i didn't get it and really wanted to. so that left everything for today. not my most well played move, but hey! i think i get that thing now haha

honestly, i totally get the feeling like you're betraying your fav thing. live laugh love satan. i have no clue how i ended up writing a solomon fic before satan. since i'm a loyal fan, i have been sprinkling little satan moments in there even though he's not actually present haha. i'll probably continue to do that and once he actually comes back (because the end goal is to find the brothers) i'll have actual moments of mc and satan together. my favoritism shines through especially where i not so casually mentioned his pact mark was over mc's heart. yeah, i'm not slick LOL. he's just the best, i don't make the rules! not sure how long the fic is going to be yet, but i think it's going to be longer than i had originally planned just because of the way i'm breaking it up from what i had written down in my notes. before i started writing the fic, i jotted down every single plot point in bullet points and then expanded from there. each bullet point was supposed to be a chapter, but things got derailed pretty quickly and i'm not totally sticking with my plan either haha. maybe once the fic is complete, i'll release what i originally had planned so everyone can see the first working draft

you didn't hear this from me, but i do have this fun little idea that might be able to make a fic if i work on it more. it's still a wip, but it's essentially a satan x ghost reader fic! reader would be a ghost haunting the HoL, but i'm not sure if i would make the ghost mc or not. either way it would create some problems, but like i said, it's essentially still an idea in my idea list lol. i have time to iron it out. i had a couple cute scenes planned out so even if it doesn't make it to full form fic it can become a oneshot. ghost reader helping satan find the book his looking for by pushing it off a high shelf, or ghost reader growing to love him from a distance! possibilities are endless. i also have that satan shower drabble still like half done, and i have another fun series planned! the concept for that is loosely meeting the brothers in the human world without knowing they're demons. also might do a oneshot, or mini-fic/series that's only a few parts long that's kinda like a dnd campaign type thing? it's not been fleshed out enough yet, but the main characters are mc, and the anti-luci league (+ mephi). the love interest is still undecided but knowing me, it will become satan lol

but enough about that for now! school just started for me too. it's the start of week three and i feel like i'm already losing my mind haha. i love love love science! i'm a general biology major and it is my love. in high school, i was the only one crazy enough to take A Level AICE Biology. loved my bio teacher so much! my undergrad research is all about finding, isolating, and researching an individual bacteriophage. like, totally undiscovered! i'm such a nerd about that because i think it's super cool. i can't wait to be able to show off my phage! this week, we actually get to go find it by collecting some soil samples and next week, we start the isolating process. i absolutely cannot wait to find mine! i plan to name mine after my high school bio teacher as a thank you for helping me find my passion. it's going to be entered in a real database! if it's unique enough, it'll be sent off for more indepth gene analysis. today in class i accidently spilt bacteria on my bench... the professor didn't see but i did have to seriously scrub my bench afterwards lol. the lab itself is really cool too! the lab budget difference from high school to college is crazy because now i handle 1000 dollar equipment (that's kind of easy to break mind you) and bacteria on a daily basis. the most they entrusted us with in high was the hot plate to heat up water lol. the bacteria isn't super dangerous, but one of the strains we are working with is related to the bacteria that causes TB. the end goal is to of course find something new and unique to study, but it might be useful for helping cure diseases and stuff like that. besides my research, i'm also in bio and chem. so far so good but wow does my chem professor speak fast haha. despite the work, i am excited! so far so good

wow i really yapped. you mentioned the two things i love most: satan and science haha. if you'd mentioned cats at all i think this would have been another fat paragraph of text longer. i know we're both counting down the days until the end of the semester. we can make it!

have a great day! sending lots of love <333

[abcdosaka]

was on vacation for a week. that was a lot of fun. some hiking, some clubbing, saw a drag show, touristy shopping, biking, thrift shopping, baking, walked barefoot on the beach, and a bit of chilling. lots of drinking, like 4 drinks a day type drinking. plus most of it wasn't planned. fairly cheap too, i spent around $300 total (not including the flight costs). probably the best vacation i've ever been on. i think i actually felt free for once in comparison to travelling with family which is normally like kinda depressing. plus i got to hang with e and she is just a really good friend to just be with she's so chill and our vibes match really well. maybe bc i'm a worrier and she's like excessively relaxed but its a good matchup heheh. just seeing how she lives and realizing that i hold myself to impossible standards. not saying she lives like shit but really that i live like shit like i don't play music when i'm just chilling i hardly practice my hobbies or singing or even just talking to people or gaming or something. i'm always looking for something to stress me out when it really just is not that serious

kinda felt like my spirit and happiness came back a bit like i remember who i am now. i read something wheein had said at a recent concert about how, before mamamoo really blew up, she had worked insanely hard and it was very depressing for her - she felt like the sensitive part of her had died. i think i was in a really similar state and maybe i still kind of am. or i was trying to kill it in a way and be a robot. that's just not me though like i'm a sensitive girl and always have been, i cry hard and i laugh loud i'm simply a person in this world. i don't think that's changing and i don't think i should try to change that. i've been feeling really emotional for the last few months and i was trying to suppress it but now i think i should express those feelings. maybe it means more crying or more writing i don't really know tbh. but i think i need to start expanding my perspectives. maybe thats a healthier way of getting more courage and reducing my anxiety instead of forcing myself to suck it up lmao. last night after e and i were chatting before going to sleep i remember thinking about how performance reviews are coming up and i was dreading them but now i think i can face them fine. i have a much more positive attitude.

i had a phone call with my dad today too and those are always so grating because it feels so tense like there's things we should be discussing but we don't. but i discussed them anyway today like i had the courage for once and i cried a bit lmao but it was about my brother and my worries about him and what that's gonna mean for our family's future and he actually opened up to me about what has happened to him in the past and why he's not as worried as i am. and tbh my dad has done some dumb shit and come out fine. maybe the world isn't as easy at it used to be but at the same time, i got lucky too. i think my dad and i are the lucky ones and my mom and brother are the unlucky ones. but to be fair me and my dad put ourselves out there. but for some reason my dad discourages that in my brother. idk. it's not my responsibility so i won't worry about it. if things get worse then i'll make the decision i have to make then, but i won't worry about it now. anyways it's a bit of weight off my shoulders.

[marvellousstawler]

Tuesday 3 Oct 2023

The Vibe is this: it was the first day of daylight savings today but the sky was dark the whole day because of Melbourne spring rain, which couldn't decide if it wanted to be humid or cold, but was absolutely sure that it was torrential.

Art My excuse for not working on any of my unfinished drawings this week is that I have to finish my homemade Flame Emperor mask by Saturday for PAX Aus. For first-time mask-makers, take note: air-drying clay doesn't work. Past Marv was a fool and didn't realise it would crack as soon as it dried. Present Marv is wiser and is attempting to use Plaster of Paris. Future Marv is likely laughing at her, and is hopefully the proud owner of a wonderfully shitty Flame Emperor mask. The works being hiatus'd on account of the mask are a cool picture of my 2 D&D characters, a massive picture for Edelgard's birthday which I started the day AFTER Edelgard's birthday in June and is no where near finished, and, a while back I bought a copy of 'Wyrd Sisters' with one of those newfangled minimalist-graphic covers, and I thought I'd add a bunch of my gaudy spooky illustrations to it. Witchify it. Which I should just do, I should just get that done.

Writing Recent-Past Marv made the...truly *bewildering* decision to try and print out and hand-bind a very large, very unfinished fanfiction, in multiple volumes, for her friend AND herself. A fanfiction, which neither Past Marv nor Present Marv has even read. Apparently Recent-Past Marv's idea was that the project would motivate her to read it, because for some reason she finds the Ao3 interface...unfriendly? The reasons for her reticence are arcane. Anyway, this bizarre project has eaten valuable writing time, and will likely continue to do so. Even so, I did have an opportunity to outline my first chapter of the next part of the project currently known as TDD, a draft I like quite a bit. Also, memory doesn't serve well but I think I spent a weirdly large amount of time working on a comic-isation of Dorothea and Manuela's supports (working title is 'Mittelfranks'), which, that was supposed to be three chapters and one self-indulgent fourth...it is now nine. ...look the very specific dynamic between these two characters feels like it was custom-designed to infiltrate my limbic system and mass-produce serotonin. But only time will tell if THAT project ever exceeds the scripting stage. I also had a chance to write a hand-written draft of a novel about my most recent D&D character. The concept feels like it's too much to chew though. Still, worth getting an idea down.

Reading Finished 'Wyrd Sisters' by Terry Pratchett the other day, which has taken like a month. It's the first book I've finished in about 2 years, and it's instantly become one of my all-time favourites -- it almost feels like it was written FOR me and that is a RARE feeling. I've been collecting quotes in a notebook, the 'collecting' giving me a further incentive for reading, but I only started collecting from page 40 of the book. I'm torn between moving on to the next thing on my To Read list, or going back to trawl through the 40 pages for cool quotes. Might as well spend just a little more time with this new friend. Here's the most recent quote I collected, from page 2: "A key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs." Damn, Pratchett out here with takes that have remained piping hot since 1988.

[kinetic-elaboration]

January 14: Friday

I think this past week really took even more out of me than I thought it would. This was a non-day for real. I didn't write, which is a shame but I also simply don't care right now. At least I have 3 days this weekend, and time to get stuff done tomorrow or Monday.

I was definitely up way too late yesterday. I'm glad I wrote down thoughts on Halloween 2007 because it is extremely hazy in my mind already, like something I dreamed instead of watched. It was just a weird situation that I was up that late--I say even though I am often up way too late on Fridays and never for a good reason.

Yesterday, I had staff breakfast in the morning, followed by a tiring search committee meeting in which we spent 75 minutes saying the same thing over and over because we are so torn between the two remaining candidates, followed by a TS meeting that had actual substance, and then less than 45 minutes after that, I went out to a two hour lunch. Next time I do that I'm taking the whole afternoon off lol. Although after I came back yesterday, I did basically NOTHING. Not as much as I wanted anyway.

I did have a fun time standing at the circ desk for 30 minutes for no reason and listening to conversation. The most hilarious part was s's rant about the ants. After he sprayed the desk with so much anti-ant stuff it could be smelled from everywhere in the vicinity, he went on a tirade about how much effort the ants went through to get on the computer screens and then about how they need water to survive and yet there was no water here at all, anywhere--I know there's a glass of water right behind me now but USUALLY THAT ISN'T THERE. Idk maybe it was because it was a Friday afternoon or maybe it was because I hadn't seen the water or maybe it was just the timing or performance of this speech but it was so funny I could not stop laughing.

After that i made the mistake of asking a co-worker a simple question, and we ended up in a loooong conversation, which was good but then I missed my bus. And then the next bus came earlier than expected so I missed that one too. And then I stood outside in the cold like a fool scrolling random stories on my phone because I had nowhere in particular to go and I didn't get home until 7:30. So dumb.

So today I have done very little/basically nothing, but a lot of sleeping and some dishes. going to do my best to go back to sleep soon. Tomorrow the plan was to clean a lot, and that's still what I'd like to do. Will I also be able to write? I dunno man. It's like a 10 hour mental circus to do like 30 minutes of writing every time so.... We'll see.