#part of the reason i'm not getting writing done today was because i spent most of my free time reading from books i've let sit for too long

[fictionadventurer]

There's something about reading really great writing that's so relaxing. You can just sit back and let the words wash over you, knowing that you can trust the writer.

[sweetestcaptainhughes]

say whatever you feel,

be wherever you are

Word Count - 3k roughly

Author's Note - I felt this need to write some Jack fluff since I'm been writing a lot of Jack being a complete idiot asshole lately. Thank you always for reading

Warnings - I truly can't think any

Summary - Y/N was a very social butterfly, she was blunt and witty. Not a single person that knows her would describe her as shy. But when it came to her expressing her emotions, she was definitely more reserved. Or three times Jack shows her that it isn't scary to show how happy he is, and the one time she shows him her own happiness.

Masterlist

Growing up you were never one of those people that felt as if they could show the world their every thought on their face. Maybe it was your personality in general or how you grew up, but you never showed how you felt to the entire world around you.Some people would describe you as shy for this, but you weren’t shy you were in fact a very blunt, witty person. It’s just for whatever reason you never let anyone know how a situation unfolding in front of you made you feel. It’s almost like you were always watching everyone else somehow seeing how they were responding and then reacting. Especially when it came to showing pure happiness, this feeling of carefree happiness and being lost in the moment of it. That entire idea was foreign to you.

Jack didn’t mind that you were closed off in showing your feelings to the world. He knew that you kept that part of yourself hidden from the world. A part of him actually found it like a small victory when he was able to have you act dumb with him even if it was within the private walls of your apartment. Jack wasn’t as dumb when it came to emotions as people in the media viewed him. Everyone thought of him as someone who was just a cocky little asshole who was nothing more than a hot head on and off the ice. But that was furthest from the truth, Jack was the first boy that showed you that the little moments in life could truly be some of your happiest fondest moments. Jack learned from you that sometimes not displaying all of your cards was actually better because when you were completely emotionally raw with someone it meant so much more. Jack knew you loved him with everything you had, and he loved that he was one of the only people on Earth to truly witness you being your truly carefree self. He loved how through each time you joined him in being completely carefree and happy. He felt like he was able to learn this whole new side to you even though you’ve been dating for months at this point. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It doesn’t matter where we are I’m happy with you:

Jack loved spending time with you, he actually was obsessed with spending every available second you both had free together. But due to the roadies schedule this year being insane he was about to go away for almost two weeks exactly. Since you guys started talking three months ago you haven’t spent that much time apart. The only problem was that you had a list of probably 10 ‘absolutely can’t procaste anything or my life will actually fall apart errands’ that had to get done today before your work week started tomorrow. But Jack left tomorrow morning and wouldn’t be back for two weeks. 

Jack knew that if you weren’t able to do your errands that you would probably spiral all week due to feeling behind. He also knew even though you would never admit it out loud, that you were already having anxiety about how attached Jacks’ presence you were already and how hard this first roadie would be. Thus how he came up with what he felt was his most brilliant idea in months. Luke and Quinn didn’t agree in the groupchat and called him a simp and asked how Jack became whipped so badly and quickly. Jack decided to ignore his brother’s and facetime with you to tell you his idea. You answered immediately even though you were in the middle of making sure you didn’t forget anything before leaving your place to hop in your car.

“Hi bubs, what's up? I’m in the middle of something right now.” Jack can hear the anxiety rising in your voice and can hear you being distant on the phone due to it.

“Hi baby… I have an idea.'' It's hard for Jack to hide the excitement in his voice. His smile drops a little as he hears you sigh deeply, knowing that you're probably snatching your voice a little annoyed.

“Jack, I told you I need to get all these errands done so that I’m ready for next week. Which I would have already done if you hadn’t spent the last 3 days at my place insisting we don’t need to leave the bedroom except for snacks and gatorade.” Jack can hear you continue to shuffle around in the background, probably slipping on some shoes and throwing a jacket on. 

“Yes.. which was fun but we don’t need to talk about that. Anyway, that’s actually why I’m calling you, let's have a car date.” you can practically hear the smile you know is radiating off his face right now announcing his idea to you. 

“A car date?” you shyly ask.

“Yes, a car date. We can get fast food, blast the best music, and I can drive you around and we will complete all your errands. But we also get to spend time together.” Jak rumbles off his plan and you can tell that he isn’t as confident as he once was.

“okay.” you say shyly smiling at the idea. 

“Perfect. Pick you up in 10.” he rushes out as he hangs up. 

That Sunday you spend eating way too much snacks from gas stations, fast food and having your own little karotake sessions. As Jack drives you around town one hand on the wheel the other switching between your thigh and hand. He can’t help the warm feeling in his chest as he leans over and sees a small smile on your face. 

“It doesn’t matter what we're doing, I’m happy when I’m with you.” he breaths out, and you can’t help but turn back to him as you let his words sink in. Jack knew that you probably wouldn’t respond. But when he felt you give his hand a squeeze he brought it up to his mouth to give it a soft kiss. Neither of you say anything else about it, moving on to scream singing to the next song that belts out from the speakers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am happiest when your attention is on me:

Jack and you were on an impromptu date night in Manhattan, deciding that it would be nice to go to the city for the night. As you are leaving the restaurant knowing that the night is coming to an end but not wanting it to. Jack offers to go on a walk for a little bit and maybe find some dessert. Spending time walking hand in hand, you couldn’t help but have a small smile on your face. But then you felt the never ending buzz of your phone knowing that someone was obviously trying to get in contact with you. Reductively, you reach into your back pocket to grab your phone, finding about fifthteen texts in the last 3 minutes from your cousin. Apparently, she was freaking out about something that happened in the family groupchat. Naturally, you slowed your walking pace to try and read all the messages. At first Jack was fine with you being a little distracting but then when you completely stopped walking. But once you got distracted and stopped walking completely Jack tried his hardest to be patient. But Jack isn’t really known for being the most patient guy or being good at staying still for long. “Who’s on the phone baby?” at the sound of his voice, you glance up.

“Oh it’s my cousin they’re telling me about what happened the family groupchat.” Once you see Jack nod, you return your attention to your phone. After a few more minutes Jack’s done waiting and wants to continue their walk.Due to his quick reflexes he quickly picks you up, throwing you over his shoulder and grabbing your phone in the process. 

Immediately you start laughing, hitting his back. In the most demanding voice you can muster in the middle of your laughing fit you scream. “JACK let me down! Give me back my phone!” He knew you weren’t mad at him so he decided to push the limit with how far he could go with this as he started walking down the sidewalk.

“Nope, not till I’m done texting them telling them that you're busy with your amazing hot boyfriend. And that your boyfriend demands your attention because another minute longer he might cry.” Jack shifts your weight slightly and you can tell that he really is typing on your phone. 

“Jack stop! I’ll give you my full attention, I promise.” as you continue to laugh while you hear Jack hum in agreement. 

“Okay sent. Now I can let you down.” You can feel Jack’s arms tighten as he lightly lets you down, both of your breathing speeding up due to how close your faces are when your feet finally touch the ground. 

“You said you're always happy with me.” you mumbled.

“I am but I’m only happiest when I have your attention.” he whispers, his eyes flicking between lips and your eyes. As if he was asking if he could kiss you in the moment, you slowly snake your arms around his neck and reach up to kiss him softly. 

As you pull away you can’t help your smartass response “you're such an attention whore Jackey. But I love you for it.” As you stay in his embrace a little longer, completely forgetting about your cousin and whatever family drama it was. Simply just allowing yourself to be lost in this moment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am happy with you because when I’m with I can block everything out:

Jack truly wasn’t afraid of his mind being quick witted, being loud or being too sarcastic. He wasn’t someone who was known for being shy about his personality. Especially when  he would go out with you somewhere and it would be like his body transformed into someone new. Someone who wasn’t afraid to scream at the top of their lungs just how happy they were that you were his and he was yours. Someone who truly felt happiest with you in their arms,

Tonight was no different for Jack at the lakehouse. He was so happy that you were able to get a long weekend off and come visit him in Michigan. As per usual for the summer house, there were people everywhere, From Luke’s old Michigan teammates, to some of Quinn’s teammates, to friends they grew up with on the lake, to Jack’s friends from when he played on the USA Hockey team. If Jack had to guess there were probably about thirty people right now inside his house  or outside at the bonfire. After spending the day with friends he was able to retreat to a lawn chair close enough to the fire to feel the warmth but far away enough that it's not insanely loud. Jack and you weren’t able to spend much of the party together sadly, due to the girlfriends of the boys pulling you away. It was nice to be welcomed but you were definitely missing Jack after having to meet so many people, you were feeling your social battery dying. As you exited the house, looking for Jack you were thrilled to see Jack not surrounded by people and just talking to Cole in some lawn chairs closer to the lake. 

Quickly you felt yourself heading towards your boyfriend, very much just wanting to be in his arms away from everyone else. He quickly caught your eyes as you walked up and you could feel yourself blush as his smile grew seeing you. “Hi baby!” Once you were in arms reach, making grabby hands at you pulling yourself down into his lap. Your back was leaning against one of the arm rests of the chair. One leg between Jack’s legs, the other swinging over the other arm rest. Your arms quickly circling around Jack’s neck trying to pull him closer to you. Usually you don’t show this level of PDA in front of people you don’t know and you literally met Cole four hours prior to this. Jack tightened his arms around you, nervous something was wrong. “Heyy babyy.. you okay?” he whispers as your face digs deeper into his neck. You shook your head yes and Jack took that as an answer, and continued to talk to Cole. Lightly rubbing your one his hands up and down your calf that was hanging over the chair. His other tightly holding your hip to make sure you won’t fall. His thumb under your hoodie slowly creases the top of your hip. He continued talking to Cole like nothing happened and Cole knew Jack well enough to know not to chirp either of you in the moment or he would have to look for a new place to sleep tonight. 

After a while Cole mentioned something about needing a refill and made his way back to the rest of the party. Jack knew that when you were ready to rejoin the world and be ready to talk to him you would. In the meantime he watched drunk people dancing to some soft country music softly singing along only loud enough for you to hear. You lightly smiled as you whispered “your lucky you didn’t go into the music industry because you are way off tone Jackey.” as you slowly move your head from his neck to his chest. 

“What I’m offended! I am a great singer.” you could hear the sarcasm clear as day on his voice. It still didn’t stop your small laugh as one of your hands went to play with the stings of his hoodie. He couldn’t help but ask if you were okay again though “did something happen or are you just tired pretty girl?” His hand on your calf went to your hand that wasn’t playing with his hoodie and held your hand in your lap. 

“Social battery.” you mumble sort of embarrassed that as an extraverted your social battery seemed to run out quicker than others. It didn’t slip past you that Jack’s hand gave you a squeeze as a form of comfort. “I just wanted to be held.” you let out the words before you even realize. Jack can’t help but lean down and kiss your forehead, knowing that you wanted to change the subject and he let you. After a half hour you can’t help but feel Jack’s head shake to the rhythm of the music. “You want to dance don’t you?” but Jack could tell by your voice that you weren’t feeling up to being around so many drunk people who were too drunk to know personal space boundaries. 

“We don’t have to baby, it’s okay.” He says making eye contact with you so you know how serious he’s being. 

“No it’s okay we can if you, I know how happy dancing makes you” as you start to shift to get off his lap, his hands tighten their grip on you.

“No Y/N.” As he reaches to cup your face with his hand, “I don’t want to dance. I like how happy I am right here with you, cause you block out all the noise. I am being here with you in my arms” As he leans in to kiss you deeply. “Okay?” he asks in a questioning tone making sure you understand what he’s saying. 

“Okay Rowdy.” as you lean further into his embrace. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can be the real you with me:

Suddenly you were back in your apartment, the season was in full swing. It was hard at times but you were slowly getting used to your apartment door becoming a revolving door due to Jack’s schedule. Jack started spending more nights at your place then his only because he said he missed being with you as much due to all the back to back roadies the Devils’ have had this month. At some point tonight Jack was supposed to come home and you physically felt your body shaking of energy at the thought. Craving something sweet you decided to make some brownies and figured that you could have them with dinner. Since you knew Jack was coming over you decided to make them gluten free so he didn’t feel terrible about eating them and breaking his diet a little. 

Your text to Jack has still been left unanswered about what time he’s coming home today but you knew he was busy finishing up with the media team. As you entered the kitchen you turned on spotify and connected it to your bluetooth speaker, randomly shuffling your playlist. After washing your hands you got everything out and started making the brownies. As you were standing there making brownies listening to Revival by Zach Brynn came on. Slowly you felt yourself softly singing to the song, giggling as you remembered Jack singing this song to you all those months ago at the lakehouse. Slowly you felt your voice sing louder and as the song got louder and Zach kept singing about how he feels reborn. Slowly you started jumping and twirling around to the lyrics. You're not sure if the music is too loud or just being stuck in your own world. Next thing you know you feel arms sneak around you, and slowly move against you. At first your body froze, scared, until you felt Jack’s voice. “Hi babygirl, i missed you.” Slowly you let yourself continue to get lost in the song. Both allowing yourselves to get lost in the song and kitchen dancing. After the song slowly came to an end, you felt yourself slowly stop dancing but neither of you pulled away yet.

“Hi Jackey, welcome home” you whisper looking up at him, as the next song slowly starts playing in the background. 

“Hey” he softly mumbles as he leans down and softly kisses your lips, no rush at all for anything more just pure love in the moment. 

“I’m surprised you didn’t stop dancing when I came up behind you.” he admits softly.

You shrug your shoulders “I don’t know, I guess I can be my real self around you, I’m not scared of showing you my emotions.” As you hear yourself admit this out loud you realize just how big of a deal this really is not only for yourself ,but  for Jack and your relationship.

“God I love you, but I really love when you let yourself be happy baby.” he admits, dipping his head down to steal another kiss. 

[fastcardotmp3]

snippet sunday bc! 1) I'm breaking my every-three-weeks self imposed posting schedule and 2) I am trying to motivate myself to get some damn writing done today, so take this as payment for bullying me if you see me blogging instead <3 mwah! not tagging anyone, but if you see this it's your sign to share what you're working on! from part 6 of (all my friends):

There’s a man, as far as they can tell, trapped on a cliffside. 

And Eddie is already struck through with adrenaline at the prospect of having to find him when they pull into a nearby field to be met with—

Hey, Diaz, don’t forget to duck your big ass head getting on this thing!

—a helicopter. 

You bragging about being tiny, Greggs? Should I have my wife send out my kid’s car seat so you can feel like one of the big kids?

A helicopter. 

Chopping blades and the displacement of air, the way the sound of it isn’t just loud so much as disruptive to the eardrums, noise cutting in and out, reality cutting in and out, sand and blood and smoke and—

“Chim and Eddie, you’re up,” Bobby’s voice cuts through, even and commanding and unshaken by the force of gusts being blown at them by the landing chopper. 

Eddie scrubs his knuckles up and down the center of his chest once. 

“Aw, really?” Buck laments as Chimney cockily snatches the harness Buck had been holding straight out of his hands, earning himself a bitchy little scrunched up face for his efforts. 

“Poor Buckaroo,” Chimney mock pouts. “Nobody lets him play any reindeer games.”

Buck’s look of derision turns to confusion and a little bit of bafflement, but before he gets more than his lips parted in retaliation, Eddie clears his throat. 

Tight, like his chest. 

“Here, Rudolph, you take this one,” Eddie pushes the harness in his hands into Buck’s chest and then claps him firmly on the back enough to jostle him where he stands. 

“Wha— Really?” Buck’s bafflement is mirrored by Chimney and Eddie is pretty sure he doesn’t have the authority to make this decision, but his body is making it whether or not it’s a good idea. 

“Yeah, don’t want you to feel left out, huh?” he forces out a laugh and turns on his heel to join Hen by the ambulance before anyone can question him further, before Bobby can step in and reiterate orders that Eddie is blatantly ignoring, before it can become clear that Eddie is doing this for selfish reasons rather than selfless ones. 

It’s not a big deal. 

Like, okay. 

Eddie knows he’s got— things. Remnants of a young adulthood spent in the crossfire, the last act of which he bungled so entirely that it lingers around the edges of his vision at even the most innocuous of times. 

He wouldn’t say it’s gotten worse since the shooting, because he’s always managed to keep it away from affecting his day-to-day life and he still does, is doing now despite the sidelong glance he gets from Bobby because, look, Eddie wouldn’t hand it off if he didn’t know full well that Eddie isn’t the only option here. If Eddie were the only option, he’d be on that helicopter in a second, but Buck wants to do it and so Eddie doesn’t need to. 

It’s not affecting his day-to-day life, and it never has. He’s always been able to work around it when a flash of his past pops up. Hell, he was able to help get Buck out of there safe and alive and two-legged when a goddamn bomb went off. 

Letting Buck take this one search and rescue assignment off of his hands doesn’t mean anything. If it did, Eddie would address it. He’s done the support group thing and he knows when he needs that support and he doesn’t. 

Which is why, when it’s all said and done and they’ve got some idiot searching for buried treasure en route to the hospital, the conversation in the back of the truck goes like this: 

“Hey,” a gentle nudge of Buck’s knee to Eddie’s own, “what’s up?”

Eddie’s got things. He’s honest about those things with Buck, even with the team at large most of the time. They were all there for him when he lost Shannon, they’ve always been there with a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on the very same way he knows he always will be for them, but…

Eddie’s got things, and this isn’t one of them, so there’s no reason to dwell on a moment of insanity.

“I’ve gotta buy Chris a new suit,” he says, lets it huff out of his lungs with more dramatics than it warrants. “Ana invited us to her niece’s Christening.” 

He gets away with it, mostly, comments about that’s a pretty big deal overshadowing the suspicious narrowing of Buck’s eyes across from him, but he doesn’t press. 

Maybe it’s naive of him, but Eddie thinks he can hold off Buck’s pressing forever, actually, so long as this remains a one-time thing. 

It’s probably naive of him. 

[nflife111]

Let's be honest.

There are people who meditate a lot and try dozens of methods but still cannot get what they want (let's not use the word "failure" anymore).

but why?

Trust issue. I think this is the biggest reason.

You have read many success stories in a day, you have tried the methods that those people have tried and still there was a feeling of insecurity inside you. Whether it was about whether the success story was real or whether the method would really work etc.

I think these are entirely down to the individual.

A person should know that he must trust himself before anyone else and that the person who understands him the most is himself.

I would like to share something that suddenly came to my mind on this subject.

We trust ourselves, what I'm talking about is not classic self-confidence.

Imagine you are in a room: a room with every person you have ever known in your life, and yourself in a different guise.

If your life were at stake, to whom would you entrust it unconditionally?

to yourself. because "yourself" does not want to hurt you.

(This part may seem a bit confusing, I'll explain it now)

You don't know which person is behind the success stories, so no matter what, you look at that screen with a little bit of doubt.

Only when you experience it yourself and you are the one typing it with excitement on that keyboard will you have any doubts.

Write your own success story, but write it to yourself, not for anyone else.

Write a letter as if some day in the future, the day you finally do it. And shape it to your own character, because you are not doing this to read it over and over again and think "still nothing" and despair, but to literally believe in yourself without any worries or concerns and to know that you have done it.

I will give my own example:

"Hey, you had a monotonous day today as usual, didn't you? You're probably scrolling through your phone right now and will be going to sleep soon. How do I know these things? Because I did the same thing that day , and went to sleep thinking it would be an ordinary day But I have news for you!! You will wake up at night, but not in your room... You woke up in the void! Yes, you heard right! You woke up suddenly in the middle of the night, and it was completely weird, but you weren't scared, isn't it? You were normally very scared of the dark, but now you didn't even care. You said a few things in your sleepy state, I only remember hearing the "I have my desires" one clearly. Let's get to the most exciting part!! You had completely forgotten that you had woken up like that during the night and woke up normally in the morning, but it didn't take long for you to notice the changes in yourself. you did it, you really did it. "

(I recommend a reassuring and positive letter like this)

I personally preferred to write this way because I like lucid dreaming and waking up in the void. You can adjust it to your liking.

Write yourself about the day you spent in that villa you dreamed of, the gestures your lover made to you, the fun moments you spent with your friends, the places you traveled in your luxury car, your wonderful and unique appearance that people constantly compliment you on.

(In short, it is a letter written to you by "yourself" who has now achieved your desires.)

And that's it, you can't doubt yourself, because you know best what you want and how much you want it, and what to do for it.

If this article creates awareness and benefits someone, I would be very happy♡

Stay safe, and respect yourself🤎

[bluetooththereptile]

Musings on life (part one) (og)

Alright then, to my readers who I persume are mostly from the western side of the world, Hi, I'm blue, because I'm always blue, and I'm persian, with a very bad grammar in English and an obsession for the caped crusader and so on. What I'm going to write is neither fact nor fiction, it has roots in reality and is sprinkled with my wild imagination, but yes, where should I start?

Oh right, I've been working in my uncle's small grocery store lately, the old man has been sickly after taking to many puffs of his cigarettes that always have a very bitter lingering smell, and I've taken the job to run the shop since well, I needed the money. The store isn't that large, but it isn't small either, a two windowed store that sells both fresh goods and also other products in the other side of the counter, there is a shelf in front of the cashier's counter that stands on top of where most of the legumes are, (Today my back broke when I refilled the bean's container), and it has rows upon rows of shampoos and hair softners of brands that even I don't remember being in production line, and two of the rows are filled with different sizes of baby shampoos of a specific brand that always, ALWAYS, gets empty by the end of my shift which is by 4 am before morning prayer. On the topped rows are outdated olive oil bottles and a bear shaped baby shampoo bottle, coming from the era that using olive oil was the trend, these days people buy oils that are cheaper than the rest, no one cares about "healthy" stuff, unless they are bored or something.

On the counter which is filled to the brim with different cakes and donuts and candies, there is giant scale that works with stone measures, which by the sheer will of the God and my luck every measure is precise, cos we have a large digital scale beneath it as well haha! Got you there. The glass of the counter is covered with the names of the different people in the busy neighborhood that burrow items and had never come back to repay stuff, and from what I've seen about the customers that come and buy things from this place, I understand why my uncle just let them burrow those things, his head was more precious than the money spent on a few eggs.

There is an old radio that is always set on a very old cassette filled with songs from before the revolution, and it's sound for some reason never wavers or gets crooked, even though whatever speaker I buy is done for by the end of the night in the store, I think the building itself doesn't like new generation music or something. It's a pretty decent shop for a low middle class neighborhood that is close to the now dried river and the wheat silos, the good old silo neighborhood that was once so rife with violence that even the police didn't bother coming to break the fights. It's pretty tamed down these days, but still occasionally you get the strange customers here and there.

There is the shark Hasan, I don't know why the people call the poor one legged man that, they joke his leg was bitten off by a shark or something when I'm sure the old man hasn't even seen the sea in his lifetime, the guy sits by my uncle and they speak of olden times with him as they smoke those low quality blasted cigarettes, then there is the weird set of visitors that stumble into the store, smelling of too much cologne and perfume, buying the whole storage of nonalcoholic beer and leave. Then there is my own granny that by the will of her own power comes in with her walker, buying things before paying with coins, counting every single one and putting them on the counter, where does she find all of those coins no one knows.

It's a good experience you know, interacting with people and stuff, but let me share a secret with you, all of these people I've mentioned are all...dead. aside from my uncle, the poor guy is upstairs hooked to his breathing capsule.

Am I mad or something?

[yeowangies]

Blood Stains

CHAPTER XI: In spite of big fears

❧

PAIRING: Raditz/F!Reader RATING: Teen and up CONTENTS: Canon Divergence AU, Slow burn, Smut, Enemies to Lovers. WARNINGS: Canon typical violence, Blood. WORDCOUNT: 5581

Summary:

“I love Raditz. I know he’s done things, terrible things, and we had our arguments about it, you know? But I’ve seen so many sides of him to know there’s more to him than just violence. I don’t expect him to change, but I’ve made peace with his history. It made him who he is, and I love him. I love him on purpose.”

Notes:

After a million years (it's only been like four months) I finally finished this chapter!

It took me so long to be satisfied with it, I wrote, erased, rewrote, moved around, erased and rewrote again so many times.

This is heavy on dialogue, obviously since a lot of issues have to be resolved!

Next chapter is gonna be an epilogue! I already have in mind what I want to write for it, but if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I'm all ears!

You can check the tag #*bs if you wanna see the previous chapters.

Getting to Kame House never seemed like such a long trip until that very moment. It was a long way there, but whether you like it or not, you have a lot to think about. 

Raditz has kissed you repeatedly for no reason. Or well, for reasons that might have been obvious, but you don’t want to conclude anything, especially when you don’t know what he’s planning to do once the Saiyans get here. 

Bulma greets you as soon as you get to Kame House while you save your hover car inside a capsule. 

“Hey!” You smile at her, and she quickly grabs your arm and tugs you the farthest away from the house. “What are you doing?”

“Listen, I didn’t wanna say anything because I was waiting for you to tell me,” Bulma whispers, just in case someone might listen. “But you never did. I saw the security cameras the day Raditz destroyed my lab.”

“Okay…?”

“Do you really don’t know what I’m talking about?”

You frown, confused. The day Raditz destroyed her lab, what else happened that day?

You remember instantly, and immediately Bulma notices the change in your expression. 

“You kissed him! And didn’t tell me!” She practically yells, and you wince when she raises her voice. “Has he been with you all this time?”

“Not exactly.”

“Well? Aren’t you gonna tell me?”

“We weren’t… I thought it was better to keep it a secret. I didn’t think you’d see that…” Very stupid thinking, or lack of thinking on your part, you realize. Of course she was going to check the security cameras. 

“So? I’m sure it wasn’t just that one time. No wonder you didn’t visit me as often.”

You smiled despite yourself. You weren’t ready for that kind of conversation, but what was the point of still keeping it a secret then? Of course you don’t want to tell everyone just yet. But Bulma already knew.

“We… spent some time together after that, but it was on and off.”

“‘Spent some time’? Did you sleep with him?”

“Yeah…”

“You don’t sound too happy about it…”

You run a hand down your face, squeezing your eyes shut for a moment before speaking again. 

“Raditz stayed at my apartment for a few days, but… he left for God knows where, and came back every once in a while. Technically, we spent less than a month together, I guess.”

“Okay…” Bulma is smart, obviously, and you know she’s seeing right through you at the moment. “You don’t know what he’s gonna do today, do you?”

“No, we avoided the topic, most of the time. It was kind of what we agreed on.”

“How do you feel, then?”

“I honestly have no idea. I didn’t think I would feel like this… Raditz is either going to leave this planet… or he’s going to die, and both options break my heart.” Your voice wavers at the end, and you lower your gaze, trying to hold in your tears. 

“I’m sorry, I thought…” Bulma runs a hand up and down your back. 

“I know…”

“We don’t know what’s gonna happen, so calm down, ok? Goku is gonna get here soon.” Bulma reassures you, patting your head. 

You nod, at a loss of words. 

Verbalizing what you were afraid of doesn’t make you feel better at all, and now you're more on the verge of tears than before. You know that Raditz likes being with you, even when he hasn’t said it, but you doubt that would change anything. His over 30 years of existence can’t be compared to whatever relationship he’s been having with you for less than a year. 

It’s ironic how certain you feel about that conclusion when you know those days you spent with Raditz had inevitably changed your life. You can feel it in your bones, no matter the outcome of this day, you’ll be spending the rest of your life getting over him.

Everything is a blur the whole time you’re at Kame House, and you wonder if it would be better or worse if you could actually see what the hell is happening. You even wonder if you could actually sleep this day off, and wake up when it’s all over.

Hours later, you drag your feet to hop on the aircraft to get where the battle has taken place as anxiety eats your insides, and you try to tone out everyone’s voice (and you really understand Chichi’s desperation to get there as quickly as possible, but she was being really loud and that just puts you more on edge). Getting off the aircraft is easier after Chichi practically throws herself out there to look for Gohan once they land. You follow suit, landing your eyes on Goku, completely beat up and bleeding, but conscious. A little relieved, you look at Krillin briefly, noticing that he’s in a slightly better shape, before glancing around, trying to find Raditz. If he’s there at all.  

Krillin notices your trepidation, and calls your name, making you look at him. 

“That other Saiyan, Raditz, he helped us…” He smiles at you, before pointing towards his side. “He’s over there, alive but barely…”

Before you even know it, you run towards the place Krillin pointed to, and immediately spot him.

“Raditz!”

He’s looking at you through hooded lids, perplexed, when you kneel beside him. Your heart beats inhumanely fast as you eye him up and down, horrified to see him completely covered in blood and bruises, but absolutely glad he’s alive. 

“You told me you wouldn’t come here…” Raditz grumbles with a hoarse voice as you lean over him.

“I guess I lied.” 

Blood is flowing from many different places all over his body that you can’t even see where the wounds are, he might as well be bleeding from every pore. Sliding one hand down his cheek and into his scalp, your vision gets blurry when you feel hot thick liquid running through your fingers. 

How many nights did you spend with your hands up in his hair? Seeing them now soaked in his blood as you thread them through his hair only fills you with panic.

“Why are you crying?” Raditz asks, looking at you curiously. You didn’t even notice that you were until he said it, feeling your face completely drenched.

“Why am I crying?” You hiccup, smiling sourly at the ironic question. “Have you seen yourself?”

“I’ve gotten out of worse situations…” He smirks, coughing up blood before going on. “This is nothing.”

“Have you?” 

You try to comfort him with your touch, keeping your hands in his hair and softly caressing his scalp, no matter that you’re getting covered in his blood in the process. Your eyes scan over his body once more, though you’re not sure why, before landing your gaze back on his. You stare at him with so many emotions bubbling up in your chest at once, and you know he must be seeing them all, even through all your tears. 

“You’ve been keeping secrets from me.” Raditz utters, his gaze fixed on yours. You snort, amused that he can see right through you. 

“And you? What did you do? Why did you…?”

You trail off when a shaky hand slides up your cheek, wiping away a few tears with his thumb. 

It’s a simple gesture that fills your entire chest with a certain kind of warmness that you would have never expected, not in that moment. Especially because of Raditz. 

Maybe you both have been too naive.

Leaning down with your hands cupping his face, you kiss him sweetly, trying to convey how relieved and happy you are that he’s alive. Raditz returns it, skimming his hand into your hair to keep you close.

“I’m getting blood all over you…” He murmurs against your lips. 

“I don’t care.”

“I’ll stain you…” His hand in your hair drops.

“Then you’ll stain me.”

You kiss him briefly again before pulling away, just as you hear Bulma crying some feet away. You turn in her direction, confused. 

Why is she crying? You know some of the guys have passed, but you can still use the Dragon Balls. If Yamcha has died, they can still bring him back. 

But only if Piccolo is still alive…

“Did all our friends… Did they die?” You ask Raditz quietly, when you realize what the situation might be.

He only looks at you and nods meekly, and you couldn’t help your tears as they flow out of your eyes once more. 

“I’m sorry.” Raditz mutters softly, to your surprise.

“You’re sorry?” You ask, flabbergasted. He snorts with a smirk, entertained by your reaction. You sigh, showing him a small smile. “You’re gonna be okay.”

Raditz stares at you with soft eyes for a few seconds before he closes them, and you panic once he passes out.

*

There’s too much light in the room when Raditz wakes up, to the point where he thinks that place must be heaven, because everything in the room is just white and light blue, and the bed he’s on is soft and warm. 

That is until he feels a sharp pain all over his body.

Groaning, Raditz tries to move all his limbs and fingers, but only ends up making the pain much worse. He notices his entire body is bandaged, and his right arm is wrapped in a cast. The room he’s in reminds him a lot more of the room he used to stay when he got injured after his fight with Goku and Piccolo, but he knows it’s not the same place. 

He attempts several times to actually get up to find out where the hell is that place until you walk into the room.

“You’re finally awake!” You smile, before scowling at him. “Are you trying to get up?”

Raditz tries to ignore the way his heart beats enthusiastically in his chest when he sees you. It’s going to take a while to get used to that, for better or for worse. 

“I want to know where the fuck I am.” He retorts with no real contempt. 

“Again with that attitude.” You sigh, rolling your eyes. “If I recall, last time I had to trick you into saying ‘please’.”

“You’re a manipulative woman.” Raditz smirks when you walk over, sitting on his bed. 

“Excuse me?”

Your arched eyebrow and your eyes wide open amuse him to no end, making you roll your eyes when he chuckles. 

“Are you going to tell me where I am?”

“In a hospital, dufus, I’m not trying to trick you this time.”

“A hospital?” Raditz asks, confused. 

“It’s where sick people get treated.”

“I know what a hospital is. Why didn’t you bring me here the first time?”

“You were a menace to society then.” 

“And you think I’m not anymore?” It’s his turn to quirk an eyebrow. 

You show him a knowing smile, before looking down at him. 

Raditz knows he’s not as dangerous as you thought he was back then. Though you were never even afraid of him to begin with. He’s fine with that. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.” Raditz winces when he tries to move again. His body hurts from the beating he took from Vegeta, but he’s also somehow exhausted from laying down. 

“I figured.” You smile, putting your hand on his shoulder. “Try not to move too much.”

“I can’t even if I want to, can I?”

“Well you blasted a hole in the wall last time you tried to leave while you were injured, remember?”

Raditz laughed quietly, before groaning in pain. Fuck, he’s in terrible shape. 

“You have a few ribs broken.” You explain, looking out the window by the bed. “And you lost a lot of blood. The doctors were a bit shocked when they tried to do a transfusion and I told them you might not have a blood type like we do. They probably passed out when they found out I was telling the truth.”

He only understood what you were saying partially. Blood type? Humans don’t have the same kind of blood? He lets it go, not really caring enough to ask you about it. 

“What happened to Kakarot?” Raditz asks, keeping his eyes on you when you turn to face him.

“He’s ok. He has as many broken bones as you do, but he’s been conscious for days now. He didn’t lose as much blood as you did, so he’s slightly better. It’s gonna take like four months for you to heal, so take it easy, okay?”

“Four months?!”

Raditz groans exasperatedly and throws his head against the pillow, grunting in pain when he feels a sharp pain up his spine. Fuck this place. He misses the technology in Frieza’s army. 

“I told you not to move too much.” You try to contain your smile. 

He glares at you. It’s not like he’s going to leave. He doesn’t even want to, but taking so long to heal is going to be a pain in the ass. 

“Don’t worry, you probably won’t take so long to get better.” You grin reassuringly. “They’re not ready yet, but we have some magic beans here that will heal you in no time.”

“Magic beans?”

“Yeah, you get instantly better when you eat them.”

Raditz’ eyebrow twitches instantly. 

“And why didn’t you get me one of those when I was on the verge of dying a year ago?”

“You were the enemy, I couldn’t! I didn’t know what you were gonna do!”

“What other things have you been keeping from me?” He looks at you with curiosity. 

He doesn’t resent you for not telling him about things you thought were important; he does feel a little stupid for not realizing the amount of information you actually had, though it never would have occurred to him that something like ‘magic beans’ existed. 

“Well, I don’t know… I wasn’t doing it on purpose.” When he raises one brow, you roll your eyes. “Okay, maybe I was hiding some things on purpose, but what about you, mister?”

“What about me?”

“You were obviously not telling me anything.”

“About what?”

“Anything, everything! Like, what did you even do when you weren’t at my place?”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Raditz smiles, amused. That time you got upset when he mentioned he slept with another woman came to mind, and while he obviously hasn’t slept with anyone else since then, he felt the need to reassure you. “I didn’t fucked anyone else.”

“That’s not what I meant!” You blushed slightly, shaking your head. 

He tries to move his arms, or at least one arm, to pull you down and kiss you, but he only ends up grunting, feeling a pungent pain through his muscles. Your blush fades quickly and you snicker at the sight, earning a playful glare from him. 

“I told you not to move.” You quip.

“It was just that one time that I had sex with someone else.” Raditz says without provocation. 

“We already talked about this, you don’t have to explain-”

“You brought it up.”

“I didn’t!”

“I didn’t even sleep with her.”

“What?” You frown, not following. 

“We just had sex.”

“…What do you mean?” You frown deeper as you raise your voice. “Do not give me details, or I swear to God.”

“It’s exactly like I said.” Raditz huffs, trying not to smile at your reaction. “We just had sex.”

“In the middle of nowhere?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened afterwards?”

“Nothing. I finished and left her there.”

Raditz frowns when he sees the expression on your face transforming into what can only be anger, but he doesn’t know why you’re mad this time.

“You left her there? Just like that? Raditz!” You yell, making him jolt instantly, pain pulsing through his muscles.

“What was I supposed to do?” He asks, confused. 

“Not throw her away like a used ragdoll! This angers me more than you sleeping with her to begin with!”

“Wh-What?!” His body is in pain from tensing up after your outburst, but Raditz is just perplexed. What should he have done then?

“You’re not supposed to treat women like that!”

“What are you talking about?” Raditz asks loudly. “I’m not going to fuck anyone else, so why are you even telling me this?!”

Your expression softens considerably, and it takes him a few seconds to realize that reassuring you of the fact that he only is interested in you is what you need. When your cheeks flush faintly, he smirks triumphantly. 

“Okay…” You smile softly, and Raditz isn’t prepared for the warmth he feels in his chest. At least he’s in the hospital if it ends up being a disease or something. “Was that something you were hiding too?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you said to let you know when our arrangement would be over… But now, it sounds like you don’t want it to end.”

“I wasn’t thinking that far ahead.”

“Oh…”

“No.” Raditz says as soon as he notices the sad gleam in your eyes. “I wasn’t thinking because… I was enjoying our time together. And I was sure I could stop seeing you at any moment. I was being an idiot.”

“Maybe we both were.” Your smile is on your face again, though he still sees a little sorrow in it. “I thought we could keep it simple, you know? We really should have talked in depth about this.” 

“Because the last time we talked about ‘our feelings’ it ended so well.” He jests, rolling his eyes. 

“Come on!” You nudge his side with your hand gently, making him grin. “All the more reason to talk, don’t you think? We have been keeping a lot of things from each other.”

“You more than anyone.” Raditz remarks with playful annoyance. 

“Honestly, baby, who’s counting?” You return his playful smile, and he knows whatever might have happened between the two of you isn’t a threat to the relationship you had. Whatever that relationship is. 

He’s been wanting to kiss you since you walked into the room, but he doesn’t have the ability to move any limbs at the moment and it never frustrated him so much to be immobilized. With a brief second of looking into each other’s eyes, you seemingly read his mind, though, and shifted on the bed to lean down and kiss him. 

Does that warm feeling in his chest whenever he sees you come with telepathic powers? 

You sweetly press your lips to his, softly moving them, and Raditz feels like it’s been ages since he had a taste of you. He wants more, so much more than just a simple peck on the lips, but there’s nothing he can do once you pull away, cupping his face in your hands and leaning your forehead over his. 

“Raditz…”

He notices the shift in your tone as you speak.

Raditz still doesn’t fully grasp how many emotions humans even have (apparently Saiyans are capable of them, but he’s been exposed to anger, hatred and violence all his life that he doesn’t recognize them when he feels differently). You seem sad, maybe it was because your friends have died. 

He recalled the moment when he was laying on the dirt after Vegeta took off, and you were looking down at him, eyes filled with tears. He didn’t know how, but he perfectly recognized the gleam in them then. 

Affection. It was even dripping from your tears as you cried, like you couldn’t contain them. You are wearing a similar gleam just now, as you look at him carefully. 

“I don’t know what I would have done…” You whisper, so quiet for only Raditz to hear. “If you had…”

You trail off, leaving the words hanging in the air. The emotion in your voice, he understands that too; fear, embarrassment and nervousness. 

“Hopefully use those Dragon Balls.” Raditz replies wittily, making you snort. 

“If Piccolo died, then…” Your voice is still somber, even with the soft look you’re giving him. “We can’t use the Dragon Balls…”

“Those things have too many rules to function.” He frowns, perplexed. “Was that another thing you forgot to mention about them?”

“Well actually, I did forget. I wasn’t thinking about that detail.” 

“So you can’t bring back any of your friends.”

“No, but we have a plan.” You smile widely, pulling away from him as you sit back. 

“A plan?”

Raditz listens to you carefully as you explain that Bulma, Krillin and Gohan are set to go to Namek in just a couple of days, to find the Dragon Balls that supposedly exist on that planet. He sweats slightly while you speak; the planet Namek is a peaceful place, without any significant threat. But he knows that Frieza sometimes liked to listen in on the conversation his soldiers have through the scooters. There’s a chance he might know about the Dragon Balls and Namek if he heard Vegeta talking about it.

“You’re not going to go, are you?” He asks first and foremost. He’s in no condition to go himself, but if you decide to go then he would have no other choice. 

“Of course not, I wouldn’t be of any help.” You snort, amused. 

Raditz lets out a sigh he didn’t know was holding in. 

“Namek is not a dangerous planet, its inhabitants are peaceful and weak. There shouldn’t be any problem…” 

“But?” You ask, noticing the uncomfortable look on his face.

“Saiyans are not the strongest race. I was lying about that.” Raditz states, looking into your eyes. “Tell your friends to be careful. Vegeta might show up looking for those things too.”

“I’ll tell them to be alert.” You nod, completely serious. He’s satisfied with your answer so he doesn’t talk about the matter anymore. 

He has nothing to worry about if you’re not going on that trip, and he can’t wait to heal so he can actually grab you and press you closer. Apparently whatever emotion is coursing through his veins made him completely attached to you. It’s a literal pain not being able to pull you down for a kiss. 

Your eyes are on him with a warm look on them, and the more you stare, the more he feels like something is bubbling up inside him. 

“Sit on my face.” Raditz says out of the blue. He watches with amusement as your face goes from surprise to confusion to embarrassment in less than a second. 

“What?”

“Sit on my face.” He repeats, smirk growing wider when he notices the faint blush on your cheeks. “I can’t do much in this situation, but I know damn well what I’m good at.”

Raditz licks his lips in anticipation, looking at you with a lecherous glimmer that only makes you blush harder. It’s still fun to tease you that way, but he’s truly desperate to taste you again after so long. After all, he was in a coma for days. 

“I’m not doing that.” You glare playfully, crushing his dreams. “This is a hospital, and I don’t know if you noticed but you’re bedridden until further notice.”

“I can still move my tongue and that should be enough.”

When you laugh, it’s like music to his ears, and even then he couldn’t help but grin. 

“Not this time, handsome. I’ll sit on your face all you want some other time.”

Raditz grunts, annoyed, but he’s rewarded with a kiss on his lips.

It’s the kiss he’s been wanting since you walked in there, or maybe even long before that. Sliding your tongues together, gliding your lips slowly and sensually, and he hates that he can’t even cup your face or wrap his arms around you. You sneak one hand into his hair, caressing his scalp, and a low purr rumbles from his chest. 

He’s really fucked. 

You break the kiss sooner than Raditz expects when the door suddenly opens. 

“Who are you?” Raditz asks with contempt when a man dressed in white walks in. 

“I’m your doctor.” The man answers with a stern tone, glaring at the both of you. “And this isn’t a hotel.”

“Sorry, doc, I was just happy he was awake.” You reply naturally. 

“You’re his wife, right?”

“She’s my mate.” Raditz replies before you can even open your mouth.

He hasn’t thought it through when those words escaped his lips, but you’re looking at him with a wide smile so he doesn’t regret it at all.

The doctor looks at the both of you with confusion so you speak, still smiling and looking at Raditz with affection in your eyes. 

“I’m his girlfriend.”

*

You recall everything that happened in the past year as you walk to the room Goku was staying at. 

Raditz’s heel-face turn was surprising; you didn’t expect him to be influenced by anything, especially you. If anything, you were ready for the most gruesome outcome after Goku arrived. No one told you exactly what happened during the battle, but you don’t really need to know more; Krillin had said that Raditz helped and that was more than enough for you.

As you approach the room, you see Chichi coming out alone. 

Maybe it was time to apologize to her. Bulma wasn’t wrong months ago when she said you also didn’t try to reach out after Goku died and Gohan was taken, and while you weren’t the only one responsible, you were still involved.  

“Chichi.” You call for her and the moment she looks at you, her expression hardens. “Chichi, I’m sorry.”

“For what, exactly?” She only gives you a moment to open your mouth but doesn’t let you speak. “For not telling me that my husband had died? For saving the monster that killed him? For letting my son be kidnapped?”

“Um, all that, but if you would hear me out-”

“I don’t need to, I already know everything. And this is not the place to talk about this.” Chichi coldly cut you off before you could add anything else, walking right past you. “Goodnight.”

Your shoulders droop as you watch her leave, sighing loudly. Maybe eventually, she’ll listen.

Knocking on Goku’s door before stepping in, you smile at the sight of him, still amused that he looks like a mummy, trapped in a sarcophagus. He returns the smile, calling your name as you take the seat next to him. 

“You still look so funny.” You comment, giggling like a little girl.

“It’s not as fun as it looks like.” Goku replies, pouting. He seems like a child at that moment as well, and it warms your heart.

It would be the first time you actually talk to him, one on one, since he died. And even before that, it was years ago. You haven’t realized how much you missed him until now. 

“I’m still happy you’re okay.” You smile gently. Goku blinks before returning the gesture. 

“I heard you’re the reason Raditz helped us during the fight.”

“You heard?” 

“Okay, I kinda saw it.” Goku admits with a knowing grin.

“That sounds even weirder.” You laugh, but he only shrugs, as if it was the most obvious thing.

“When Vegeta threatened to destroy this planet, the look on Raditz’s face kinda spoke for itself.” 

“What do you mean?”

“I’m no mind reader, but he looked scared. And he jumped back on the battle and took our side and helped us in the blink of an eye.” He waits for your reaction, but your blank expression prompts him to go on. “I figured you might have something to do with his change of heart?”

“Why do you think that?” 

“I saw you kissing. I wasn’t unconscious, you know?” 

“Oh…” You blush slightly, but the smile on your face only gets wider, just like Goku’s grin does. 

“So, you two are together, huh?”

“We are. Sometimes this still feels surreal.”

“What do you mean?” Goku asks, confused. 

“That Raditz chose to stay. I thought he might end up leaving this planet, or that he’d die. I’m so happy that wasn’t the case.”

Goku looks at you with soft eyes. He might not be the brightest of the bunch, or at least that’s what everyone thinks about him, but he understands people’s feelings more than anyone else, and at that moment, he’s looking at you like he knows all the fear and trepidation you had been going through the past twelve months. 

“But he stayed.” He says, reassuringly. 

“Yeah, and I’m so grateful.”

“Do you love him?” Goku asks, to your own surprise. That softness is still in his eyes, and you can’t help the warmth that spreads through your chest when you answer his question. 

“I do. I love Raditz. I know he’s done things, terrible things, and we had our arguments about it, you know? But I’ve seen so many sides of him to know there’s more to him than just violence. I don’t expect him to change, but I’ve made peace with his history. It made him who he is, and I love him. I love him on purpose.” 

Your face is hot, not because you’re embarrassed, but you assume the way your heart is currently beating has something to do with it. Confessing out loud that, in spite of deep fears, you were unequivocally in love with Raditz made your blood run faster. Goku is grinning, completely pleased with your answer, and amused that you’re blushing. 

“I guess he’s staying on Earth, then.”

“I suppose so.”

“Chichi aint gonna be happy about it.” Goku chuckles, but you only smile for a second. 

“About that, I’m sorry I didn’t talk to her…” You say, this time truly ashamed. 

“Whaddaya mean?”

“About what happened when you died…” 

You are not sure how much Goku knows about the situation, but you know you have to apologize for almost all of it. Not talking to Chichi in time, letting his son be kidnapped (even when there wasn’t much any of you could do). You had been too wrapped in your own bubble to think about it but in retrospect, you feel terrible. 

“Chichi only found out about your death and Gohan’s kidnapping over 24 hours after it happened. I’m sorry.”

Goku blinks, and you wonder if he even knows what you’re talking about. His subsequent smile is your answer.

“You’re the first one who apologized about it.”

“Really?” You ask, taken aback. 

“Krillin kinda did but not really. He only said sorry because he was scared of Chichi.”

You facepalm, in disbelief his best friend would be so vague and kind of a dick when talking about Goku’s wife. 

“I assume Bulma did not even mention it?” You ask, ready to be annoyed. 

“She didn’t, she sounded more mad about Chichi than anything else? I didn’t get it.”

You roll your eyes. Bulma is resentful for a woman who has everything and anything she wants at the reach of her hand.

“She was mad that I didn't invite her to the wedding.” Goku adds.

“I know.” You sigh, exasperated. 

“Why? Back then, I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“You think it is now?”

“Well…” Goku fixed his eyes on the ceiling, thinking for a second before answering. “I didn’t really know what the big deal about marriage was. I never even went to a wedding! When Chichi asked me if I wanted to invite you guys, I said no because we only saw each other for training and adventures and stuff.”

That reasoning sounds so much like him that you didn’t have it in you to be even a little mad. Of course, you were never too upset about it as Bulma was. 

“Bulma is still a little childish.” You comment, but Goku only shrugs. 

“I didn’t think she’d be mad about it. I guess I could have invited you all for the wedding, since it was a big deal after all. I wouldn’t have gotten to know Chichi, and Gohan wouldn’t even exist.”

So Goku loves Chichi. 

It should have been obvious. The way he talked about her, as Goku-like as that was, and the way you noticed how he looked at her. They only married because of a promise they made as kids, you wouldn’t have expected them to actually get to know each other and fall in love. You should’ve known.

“Goku, I can’t say I wasn’t childish back then,” You start, and he turns to look at you with quizzical eyes. “But it’s been a while, and honestly it’s cute you found someone you decided to spend the rest of your life with, even if it was just a promise. I know you love her after all these years.”

“I do.” Goku grins. “She’s great! She’s patient with me about a lot of things I don’t get, and she’s real sweet. She’s cute when she gets mad, too.”

You chuckle. Is it a Saiyan thing to like women with a little attitude?

“Hopefully she’ll warm up to me. We’re family after all, now.”

“We are?” Goku questions, brows furrowed. 

“Well yeah. I’m dating your brother, we’re in laws now.”

“Huh.” He thinks about it for a second before smiling. “That sounds fun. Maybe Raditz won’t be so bad, either.”

“Give him a chance. You did say he helped save the Earth and all.”

“It’d be cool to spar with him! I know I can beat him!”

You smile, excited to see how this new period of your life will be like. 

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #364

After writing yesterday's letter to you, I managed to find my 7th set of braces. I had not, in fact, taken them out when I ate. I took them out for a different (but nonetheless important!) reason, and for that reason, I ended up leaving them in a strange place and promptly forgetting about them (because what is this “object permanence” of which y'all mortals speak???).

But I have them now! So I took out the 8th set and put the 7th back in, much to the relief of the structure of my skull, I'm sure! So we're back on track for the 8th set being installed into my face on the day I write my 371st letter to you! Yay!

Sometime after going to sleep, poor J woke in the night to vomit. V, O, and I didn't get sick, so we can only assume that it was something that J ate somewhere else. He was recently given leftover restaurant food, and he recently ate at a relatively low-quality pizza chain. It can take up to 72 hours for the effects of food poisoning to manifest, so it's hard to say exactly what caused it. I was sleeping next to V, but when I heard the sound, I woke up to tend to him. After it was all over, I got him some warm water and warm apple slices, microwaved until slightly translucent. Then I brought him some extra blankets and tucked him into bed in his room. I spent the rest of the night beside him.

I still wonder if you've ever had food poisoning. If you have, then I hope that someone kindhearted took care of you through it. It's a terrible thing to have to go through alone.

I woke up a few hours later. He was still not feeling great, so I went out, both to pick up some brownies that Br, the dandelion-haired man, made for me and my house, and to pick up some Pedialyte and saltine crackers at the grocery for J. J tried to say he only needs the Pedialyte, since we have apples at home. But I know enough about food poisoning to understand that apples are acidic and potentially not great for an already-irritated stomach. I got the saltines anyway, and he ended up eating quite a few of them. It was good.

I spent most of the rest of today leisure writing and generally keeping watch just in case J needed anything. I tried the brownies that Br had made; they had bits of dried apricots in them, which complemented the chocolatey flavor nicely. They were some of the gooiest brownies I've ever eaten - truly delectable. He said he's gonna tell me the recipe soon; I wonder if I can use it to improve the pumpkin brownies I made for you.

Today, V chilled out in the living room, doing V's own thing. Parallel play is lovely because we can all do our own thing, and there's no pressure for any of us to entertain each other. It's good stuff! M did his own thing, too. J spent a fair bit of time sleeping today, and that was good. Towards the evening, it seemed like J had managed to expel the offending substance from his system, and he felt a lot better. He and I brought V home, and then we came back. M, J, and I watched DanDaDan, and that was very good. J is now in bed, sleeping. M is unwinding in his room. I'll go to sleep next to M soon – probably after I'm done with today's letter, unless I get distracted doing something else.

Instead of physical therapy on Tuesday this week (today), it is tomorrow (Wednesday). R, too, will come by to visit tomorrow. He wants to bake the cookie dough he gave to us. It should be a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to the results. Tomorrow should be delightfully busy. Though I'm still hoping to get a sec to try out that game that An from work suggested. I'll take pictures of it for you when I do, okay?

...I wish you were here. I wish you were here to witness all the little things. To see all the beauty in the small interactions. To be part of all the little ways we of my house and my social circle take care of each other when the going gets rough. I speak of you often enough that it's almost as though you're here, floating around in the aether. Almost.

...Impossible, I know. Forget I said it, okay?

Anyway, I think you'd love it here. And I know you'd fit right in. Seamlessly, you'd fit right in. Because I don't keep friends who go around judging others for their appearance, abilities, or manner of birth. It's not how we do. You'd be absolutely fine here. We'd keep you safe from anyone who might try to be an asshole in your general direction. You wouldn't have to worry about a thing.

...Well uh. Except for the whole “climate change” thing and the whole “imminent rise of fascism” thing. Today it was like 50 degrees Fahrenheit at my house (10 degrees Celsius) when it's supposed to be 32 degrees Fahrenheit (0 degrees Celsius) or less. But ya know, if by some small miracle we could get you here temporarily to hang out and have a nice time with us, we could probably send you back home before the shit really hits the fan.

...Maybe you'd take us with you. I wonder how we might adjust to life on your planet. I suspect that your planet is probably at least a little smaller than mine. Probably your atmosphere is richer in oxygen, too. I wonder how it'd work out. O'course, my dyspraxic, Ehlers-Danlos-afflicted ass probably wouldn't be able to fight the wildlife where you live. So there's that. All things considered, I'd probably get eaten by something in less than a week. Ah well.

It's impossible anyway. Not sure why I'm even thinking about it.

Well. It's late and there's nothing else rolling around up in my head. So I guess I'll go to sleep. I'm kinda short on hours in that regard...

Maybe I'll leave you this nice playlist, just in case you have trouble sleeping sometime:

...I wish you could tell me what's rolling around up in your head. It'd be nice. And... I think maybe you could use someone to talk to who doesn't wanna hurt ya somehow...

Hey. I love you a whole lot. So please stay safe out there. Remember to reach out to someone who cares for you when you're struggling, okay? And try to remember, too, that you've got a lot of people here who truly do care about you. Angeal and Zack certainly do, even if they're sometimes derpy-derps who drop the ball.

No one is perfect, Sephiroth. And you don't have to be perfect, either.

I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[ad-astra-per-studium]

Okay so it is my birthday today, I am now 20 years old. To celebrate, I'm going to spend my day writing about and analyzing Mass Effect and then posting it here. Yay!

I saw this list of Mass Effect questions written by @pedropascalforpresident , and I wanted to answer them all myself for fun. I've spent all day working on answering these in between classes and while procrastinating homework assignments.

Sigh... I did not get this done by the end of the day.... Pretend I posted this on 3/31 😔

Be Warned!! This post is over 3500 words long 😭 Boy I can talk forever about this game

1. MaleShep or Femshep? Why?

FemShep is always going to be my canon Shepard. I've tried playing as the male Shepard, but I just love FemShep so much. I haven't been able to finish a playthrough of Mass Effect playing as MaleShep. It's not just because I am a girl. It's Jennifer Hale's voice acting. It's the impact of being a woman on the story of Mass Effect. It's the savior of the galaxy being a woman in a still, very clearly, male dominated environment. Plus I feel like FemShep and Garrus are canon in my eyes, but I'll probably talk more about that in another post.

2. What’s your favorite part of the triology?

The Leviathan DLC, specifically when you go to Mahavid and the atmosphere is So Eerie. I absolutely love it. Plus, the enemy variation in ME3 is great to begin with, so each battle is exciting. I love the looks you and your squad mates give each other every time one of the employees says something creepy or nonsensical.

If this question is asking which Mass Effect game is my favorite though, I would have to say Mass Effect 3. I love how large the scope is and every mission is an absolute masterpiece.

3. Favorite male companion and why?

Very easy and very basic answer for this one. Garrus 100%. He's one of the only companions who is with you for all 3 games, and the trilogy highlights this and notes its importance ("You're right, I was with Shepard. From the very beginning"). I also really like his development throughout the series. I remember someone posted on here talking about how Garrus starts out as a bad cop and he grows from there throughout the trilogy; yet he never becomes a perfectly good person. And I love that because it's incredibly realistic, and change takes time. I think also Garrus and Shepard's dynamic is amazing, and I'll get into that in another post as well 😭

4. Favorite female companion and why?

Ahhh how do I even choose, I love my girlies!! I think I have to say Tali, even though it's pretty close between the other female companions. I love Tali for similar reasons as to why I love Garrus. She's there with you from the beginning. And, she's one of the only people who, when seeing you work for Cerberus in ME2, will wait and give you time to explain rather than assuming you have lost your mind. Tali also has an amazing personality, and I love watching her grow from a naive young quarian on her pilgrimage to one of the members of the admiralty board. She's genuinely the only reason I would play as MaleShep and the only reason I have tried. I hear her romance is amazing and every day I mourn bi!Tali 😔

5. Most interesting mission in each part of the triology and why?

Going game by game,

Mass Effect: Ilos is by far the most interesting mission of the first game. I love seeing all of the ruins and our first glance at the Protheans Inuannon. The lore drops in this mission were wild. The conversation with Vigil is amazing, and seeing all of those pods and knowing a Prothean body sits in each one is devastating. Knowing Vigil did what it had to do. And the dash for the conduit at the end is awesome.

Mass Effect 2: This is too easy. The Suicide Mission is easily the best mission in the game and the most unique mission in the entire series. It sets the tone completely for ME2, since you know going in that this all might end in total annihilation. I love how you have to specifically assign roles and make the right choices or else the consequences are severe. It's one of the only times in the entire series where you actually feel like a proper leader. And you have to deal with the responsibility of being one.

Mass Effect 3: Okay since I can't choose an entire arc, like curing the genophage, as that's several missions, I'm going to go with the mission to Menae. I think the reason why this stands out in my mind is the environmental storytelling here. Of course, the actual mission itself is amazing as well, and I love this being your first introduction to a real fight against the Reapers (after Earth, when you're there for all of 5 minutes). I think seeing Palaven in the background and knowing you're helpless to do anything about it is devastating. Every Turian around you likely has family or friends on Palaven and they're fighting as hard as they can for the people they love right beside you. And the worst part is, you're not there to defend Palaven. Your efforts today on Menae will not change anything for Palaven now, tomorrow, or the next day. The only thing you're there for is Primarch Victus (and Garrus). Watching Palaven, the homeworld of the greatest military force in the galaxy, burn in the background just puts into perspective the absolute devastation the Reapers bring with them. it's an amazing quest.

6. Who was your romance interest? If you changed it, why?

Garrus!! As you can tell from my blog, I'm a Garrus girlie all the way. I actually haven't romanced anyone else and I know I need to branch out, but every time I try I always fail 😭 The only other characters I could see myself romancing instead of Garrus would be Liara with FemShep and Tali with MaleShep (regrettably...). I can't even count the amount of times I've played through Garrus' romance.

7. Most heartbreaking moment in each part of the triology and why?

Going game by game again,

Mass Effect: Benezia's death, specifically when Liara is present and she calls her "Little Bird". It's so sad because that's all the closure Liara will receive from her mother and their quite strained relationship. Also, matriarchs are one of the most intelligent and wise beings in the entire galaxy, and even Benezia could only resist indoctrination for a few minutes at maximum. It's a depressing scene that also goes to show how big a threat the Reapers really are.

Mass Effect 2: This is tough, because there are a good few to choose from. I think I have to choose when Tali sees her father's body on the Alarei. That scene is just completely gutwrenching and every time I see it, it's just as devastating. Thank god Bioware included that Paragon interrupt.

Mass Effect 3: This is even harder than ME2. I think I have to go with Mordin's death. The first time I played ME3 I was sobbing like a baby for actually hours when Mordin died. I think it's the best way for his story arc to end, but that doesn't mean it doesn't rip my heart out and put it back in with scotch tape.

"I am the very model of a scientist Salarian-"

8. What’s your favorite loyalty mission in ME2?

That is so hard. I think I have to say Tali's loyalty mission is my favorite. I love politicking with the Quarians, and seeing the flotilla with your own eyes is absolutely amazing. I also like the larger implications her loyalty mission has for the flotilla and how obvious it is that this trial is not truly about Tali, but rather the indecisiveness on what to do about the Geth. This mission also is a wonderful bridge connecting Mass Effect 2 to Mass Effect 3, setting up the conflict between the Geth and the Quarians we see in ME3.

9. Your favorite DLC in the trilogy?

I can't decide between Lair of the Shadow Broker or Citadel. Later on in this post I talk about how much I love the Citadel DLC and why I like it, so I won't get too into it here. I will say, however, I love that Citadel is a chance for everyone to have some fun, and I think it's a great moment of peace and levity before the shit hits the fan in Priority: Earth.

For LOTSB, so many things about this DLC make it amazing. First of all, the car chase is awesome. And the banter in this DLC is top-tier. Investigating Liara's apartment is a really interesting and unique mechanic as well. The spectre who joins you was quite suspicious from the start, honestly, I think Bioware just loves to make people betray you in their DLC. The boss battle with the current Shadow Broker is also incredibly unique and I love the mechanics of that fight. Liara deserves her spotlight, and I love how this DLC highlights something that otherwise would be completely brushed over. Without it, Liara is just the Shadow Broker in ME3, and you're just like, "I'm sensing a story here." I'm so glad Bioware added this to the series, it's a perfect DLC.

10. Funniest moments in the trilogy?

Basically the entire Citadel DLC is a goldmine, but I'll pick something else because half of this post is me talking about the Citadel DLC.

Emergency Induction Port. Enough said.

Garrus and Joker trading jokes in ME3

Every Joker and EDI interaction in ME2

And who could forget about the almighty Biotic God, Niftu Cal

11. Any particular memorable quote and from who?

I didn't want to go with the Javik quote (I don't even need to say it), because that's an answer everyone has heard before. I decided to think about this a little more and I ended up remembering this one. I had to look it up to make sure I got it right. This is a quote from Tali, and it is what she says when she arrives back at the Flotilla with Shepard.

"After time adrift among open stars, among tides of light and to shoals of dust, I will return to where I began."

This quote is just so beautifully written. It's not a moment full of feels or anything like that, but I love that insight into Quarian culture. If you can't tell, I really like the Quarians.

12. Your thoughts on Kai Leng and the Illusive Man?

Kai Leng was a little bitch and super annoying. I typically forget he's in the series until someone either reminds me of his existence or I begin playing Mass Effect 3. I can't stand him, and he never should have been added to the game in the first place, in my opinion. Why introduce this absolute loser at the last minute??

As for the Illusive Man, I think he seems very powerful and can be intimidating in Mass Effect 2, just because of how secretive he is, along with the influence he seems to have. However, in Mass Effect 3, I think he completely loses that air he had around him and just comes off as a raging lunatic who's gone way too far.

13. What was the perfect ending for you and why?

To me, there is no perfect ending. My perfect ending is Shepard and Garrus adopt their krogan babies and live a long happy life. Of course, that is unrealistic and not an option, so I have to settle. I always choose synthesis. I think each ending has its problems, but I think synthesis is the lesser of three evils.

Control has human consciousness take control of the Reapers, becoming immortal, eternal. The human mind was not meant for this. Any Shepard that takes control of the Reapers will eventually lose their mind completely. I also believe that because this is what the Illusive Man chose under indoctrination, it cannot be the right option.

For destroy, this wipes out the Geth (which also stops all the efforts made by the Geth to boost Quarian immunity), the Mass Relays, and EDI. This is too high a cost and leaves everyone stranded on Earth. Also, no lesson is learned from this.

Synthesis makes the Reapers want to rebuild everything and become allies out of their own free will. No human mind is forcing them into submission (Also, if they were forced into submission (or rewritten, per se), wouldn't it be possible for them to change again like the Heretics did?). I believe choosing the synthesis ending is passing the Catalyst's test. This is what the cycles were building up to. With true understanding between synthetic and organic life, there is no room for conflict. The only drawback is this is not something the people chose to have happen to them, they have no choice in the matter. However, I think that this is much less important in the grand scheme of things because this outcome is the best for everyone involved. Except Shepard, of course, who dies. </3

14. What do you think about Stargazer, the child and the planet they’re on?

I love this scene. I don't have too much to say about it because it's so short, but I think this scene takes place far, far in the future. My reasoning for this is that Shepard has completely lost all sense of being a regular, human being. You can tell this because the child refers to Shepard as "The Shepard".

While researching whether or not the subtitles have the child refer to Shep as "Shepard" or "Shepherd", because, you know, implications, I stumbled upon the most fire Mass Effect take I have seen to date.

This comes from Reddit user u/k8207dz who said:

"Really, the stargazer is meant to be a reflection of the player - you were telling a version of Shepard's story by playing through the games, after all."

This is hard, I'm obsessed with this, and this is now my main takeaway from this scene.

But to resume the point I was making before, Shepard, at this point, has completely ascended from humanity to mythic proportions. Shepard has become a mythical character, like Odysseus or Achilles.

I think this scene is really interesting, and I love the Buzz Aldrin cameo.

^(POV me after saying I don't have too much to say)^

15. Favorite alien race and why?

I can't choose!! Either the Quarians or the Turians. As a biologist, I think the dextro races are so interesting. I'm finally far enough along in my education to actually understand what levo and dextro amino acids are, and it's pretty interesting to see. Our amino acids would be enantiomers of each other, which does create some interesting implications and the allergic reaction thing makes total sense. My favorite example of how radically different enantiomers can be from each other is methamphetamine. Now, the typical big bad drug methamphetamine you're thinking of when you read this is Dextromethamphetamine. Levomethamphetimine is a topical nasal decongestant found in products like Vick's Vapor Rub! Isn't that interesting?

Science aside, I love how Quarians decorate and personalize their suits, and just the culture that developed around suit life in general. I think it's incredibly interesting.

Turian voices are genuinely like one of the top 5 reasons why I keep playing this series. I could listen to a Turian speak allllll day. I'm kidding. Mostly.

16. Least favorite alien race and why?

Would it be a cop-out to say the Reapers? Yes? Damn.

I can't pick one dawg I'm not Ashley Williams.

17. Most interesting planet?

Eingana is a planet that I just recently stumbled upon in my playthrough of Mass Effect 2. It's the site of a battle between the Inusannon and the Thoi'Han (A species that, as far as I know, is never touched on again). This battle took place 127,000 years ago and is one of the only examples of anything related to the Inussanon we can find. I think that's so cool.

18. Renegade or Paragon and why?

I always play Paragon. I have tried to do a renegade playthrough and that lasted all of about 5 seconds. I love all these characters and I can't stand to be mean to them and turn them into worse people. If I'm going to save the galaxy, I'm going to do it right! And I'm going to be very nice to my virtual blorbos.

19. Least favorite companion and why?

Jacob Taylor.... Half of the reason why I don't like him isn't even his fault, honestly. It's the same thing they did to Kaiden in ME1. What I'm referring to is how the game forces you to be completely flirty with him if you want to be nice to him at all. It's completely creepy and incredibly annoying if you are planning a paragon playthrough of the game. The other reason why I don't like him is that he will cheat on you in ME3 if you do happen to romance him in ME2. Why on Earth would the devs push you to romance this man when he will cheat on you in ME3 no matter what? And if you do romance him, his new partner in ME3 is totally horrible to you, even though you're there to save everyone's ass. The only thing I really enjoy about Jacob is his loyalty mission.

20. Would you like to see movie adaptation of the trilogy and why? Who would be your perfect Shepard and the rest of the characters?

I would not want to see a movie adaptation of the trilogy. Mass Effect is a series based on player choice, and each playthrough would be wildly different from person to person. To make movies from the series, they would have to canonize certain ways to play the game. Shepard would have a canon gender, appearance, moral compass. The Virmire Survivor would be canonized, if the council lives, who dies in the suicide mission, if you cure the genophage, if you make peace between the Geth and the Quarians. There are too many variables, and it would be impossible to make anyone happy.

As for who would be my Shepard, I modeled genuinely my version of her off of Emily Deschanel because I was watching Bones at the time. So, Emily Deschanel circa 2005-2012. Also I think only Brandon Keener could be Garrus, I don't think anyone else could live up to that voice.

21. Favorite non-companion male character and why?

Kal'Reegar!! I love him, and the first time I played ME2, I was totally enamored. I love his attitude, and even though he doesn't get too much screen time, I think he's a great character. I love how he'll chime in if you incite the crowd during Tali's loyalty mission, too. I wish we saw him in ME3! The email letting you know he died in just so sad. I wish we got to see more of him first. At least it was for a noble cause.

22. Favorite non-companion female character and why?

Gianna Parasini is awesome and hilarious. Her sass is amazing, and I love that she actually follows up on buying you that beer in Mass Effect 2. Every time I go to Noveria, I get the garage pass by helping her bust Anoleus.

23. Least favorite non-companion character and why?

Udina. He's such a snake and he annoys me in every playthrough. His only saving grace is that Anderson absolutely clocks his ass in ME1 when he goes to un-ground the Normandy.

24. What do you think of the Citadel DLC?

I absolutely love the Citadel DLC. I know there's some controversy surrounding it because of all the "fanservice" but I have a few things to say about that. First of all, I think that was completely intentional, and the DLC is incredibly self-aware and pokes fun at itself several times. Secondly, I think that the lighter tone and completely cliche qualities of the Citadel DLC are what make it amazing. Shepard and their crew need this. When have they all been able to take a break and actually do something fun for once? And even this ends up becoming violent! But I think the tone change is necessary in Mass Effect 3. The games had been not stop doom and gloom since the beginning of Mass Effect 2. It's nice to see Shep and Co. actually have some good-natured fun and let loose for once.

25. On what platform do you prefer playing the games?

My trusty Xbox 1 has been with me since the beginning. I have only played on console but I don't believe I would be getting these killer headshots with the pistol on PC.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me! I hope you guys enjoyed reading this absolute monster of a post as much as I enjoyed writing it!

[enigmaticexplorer]

Hello, Alli! I'm dropping in for your End of "I Yearn, and So I Fear" celebration!

I'm going to be excited to see how it ends, but it's going to leave a hole in my world for a while. I've really grown to look forward to Thursdays. I think about it now and then during the first part of the week...what day is it? Is tomorrow Thursday? No...today is just Tuesday, there will be one more day. But on Wednesday nights when I remember there will be a new chapter in less than 12 hours, I get so excited (or nervous sometimes.) I've become so immersed in this story, I know I'm going to ugly cry when it's actually over. I'm already preparing myself.

Every other Thursday I have therapy. When I get to the parking lot, I'll check on my phone and see if the new chapter has been posted, and if it has, I'll read as much as I can before I have to go in. If it's not posted yet, I know it will be by the time I'm done. I hurry out afterwards and even though I'm heading onto work, I take the time to either finish what I'd started earlier or read the whole thing, if it hadn't been posted before.

And then I'll either cry or be happy, depending on what happens. It affects me that much. Then when I'm at work, I'll quickly go to a Discord server I belong to and post about the new chapter, because there are 2 other people on there who are currently reading it. And we talk about it. All 3 of us read it as soon as we possibly can.

I have so many favorite parts, it's hard to pick just one but one of my favorites is in Chapter XI when Kazi, Neyti, and Wolffe go to the Marketplace together. The whole trip was amazing...

The way Wolffe took hold of Kazi's arm and then did the Mr. Darcy hand flex.

The 3 of them eating citrus-stars together.

Wolffe telling the jerk in the alley to fuck off so that he wouldn't bother Kazi and Neyti anymore.

The fact that Kazi actually laughed hard when the monkeys were harrassing Wolffe.

The whole scene at the lingerie stall that then led to an actual genuine grin from Wolffe, and Kazi noticed.

It was amazing and I lost count how many times I went back to read it.

Thanks again for writing this fic and sharing it with us. I know it was so much work, but I hope you realize how much pleasure it's brought us.

Carol (@clonethirstingisreal)

I Yearn and so I Fear Fic Celebration

Hi Carol :)

Thank you so much for sharing this! I've said it before, but I don't think I can emphasize how much this means to mean, to know that you look forward to Thursdays and get excited to read this story. It's reassuring to know that all the time I spent on it wasn't wasted, and I'm so, so grateful that you and others have been along for this ride, and that you're sharing your thoughts with me!

Chapter XI is one of my top 5 chapters! I'm giddy thinking that you loved it as much, too! Each of the reasons you pointed out are my reasons for liking it; I just loved Wolffe grinning (the first time in the fic) and the easiness in which him, Kazi, and Neyti fall into together!

As always, thank you for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I know I've fallen off on the comments/reblogs on the most recent chapters, but each comment reminds me why I wrote this story, and I really appreciate you!

[autumnrose11]

Feeling horribly miserable today :(

I've dragged myself through my final year of high school and it's been SO lonely for the past eight months. I haven't been very happy during my last school year, tbh. I feel like I don't fit in because I've got nothing in common with the people in my class. Seriously, I've spent my breaktimes sitting at one side reading/writing fanfiction and reading novels with absolutely no one to talk to. I'm pretty quiet and most of the time during these last few months I've simply felt invisible. Idk, I just want someone to be deep, genuine friends with who's on my wavelength but I haven't found them yet. I'm just feeling sick and tired of all of it.

They don't get me, I don't get them, so there's nothing I can deeply get into with them apart from schoolwork, and there's only so much you can discuss about how your plans for university are going. (Which is part of the reason I love tumblr because you guys have the same interests as me!!) The other girls are into dance and films that aren't really my cup of tea and having boyfriends and going on dates and stuff. Not that that's a bad thing, I know everyone has their interests, but.... The only guy I've been in love with is fictional, and regarding the boys in my year.... the less said the better, because they are crude, vulgar and unhealthily sex obsessed on another level. I don't approve of dating just for the heck of it, just because everyone else is doing it. Generally, the most widely read novels in my peer group are Colleen Hoover, Fifty Shades, etc. I'm not saying you *shouldn't* read that stuff, but... Surely there are other avenues of literature you can and should explore? In my mind sex is done out of love and affection . Body and soul. I don't get why on earth they'd warp it into something so sick and twisted. So the feelings I have are overwhelmingly isolating.

It simply feels like I don't have one single person my own age to speak to who really *gets* me without my having to explain myself. My mum is currently one of my best friends.

The only bright spot on the horizon is that I'm going off to uni in a few months, and I'm trying to tell myself I'm going to find someone soon, but I'm just scared that won't ever happen and I'll have to continue alone like this forever.

(this meltdown will clear up in a bit. Maybe I should go have some coffee. I just needed to get it all out).

[cosmicroseflower]

Mind Tricks for Relieving Anxiety:

Basically, your brain is assuming the worst case scenario because it is trying to protect you. People who suffer from this, it is known as catastrophic thinking. But realize, your brain was designed to support you from the beginning and, work in your favor. It supports your main behaviors. You can reprogram it through your behaviors, feelings, thoughts, beliefs and actions. It's reprogrammable because you operate much like a computer.

Remember, a majority of your thoughts do not come from your own head. A majority of your thoughts almost 95 percent of your thoughts originate from the collective consciousness. Always question if a thought belongs to you and then release it if it's negative telling you lies about yourself and the people around you. These are all illusions meant to lower your vibration to get you off your highest path. And then on top of that psychic attack, your brain will give you even more anxiety if you are someone who has spent many years alone or isolated for the most part and things like going to the grocery store or anywhere gives you anxiety.

Your brain thinks it's protecting you because your brain responds to your behaviors. If it feels bad, it's not real and is not based off truth and love therefore an illusion to disregard as meaningless and powerless over your powerful human body and mind. Your brain also interprets change as dangerous, coming up with catastrophic, worst case scenario events that have not even taken place; especially if you have anxiety, ADHD and depression. Negative experiences are powerful and get stored quickly into your long term memory. Reframing a negative situation can make it less powerful. The brain sends and receives chemical and electrical signals throughout the body constantly. Different signals control different processes, and your brain interprets each. You must identify as the person that you wish to become now. Not someday, but today because the only reality that exists for you is right now, not in the past or future. EVER.

For example, If I was having anxiety about my appearance when I was getting ready every single day, and I felt insecure getting ready every morning, my brain would interpret that as a default behavior for me because of my everyday behaviors; the brain would say to my body, "our main behavior is feeling insecurity and anxiety. We want to support you in your main behaviors. Let me give you more anxiety and insecurity. I'm protecting and helping you because this is your behavior default." The brain does this automatically. The brain basically says, "Oh, you miss that person who's your ex or this person who is passed on? Let me give you more feelings of missing them to support you."

You are telling your brain how to support you by your behaviors. So you must do the opposite, to reprogram your mind and your anxiety will lessen the more your behavior changes. So this is why you must become pretty much delusional and have opposite positive behaviors until your brain accepts that as the truth so that it can work in your favor. Challenge limiting beliefs. Remember that beliefs are meaningless hallucinations, and you can replace them at any time if they are not serving your highest good. Start small, change one habit at a time.

Stay in the now moment to catch negative thoughts and beliefs to throw them into the ether where they belong. Out of your body. Write small notes where you can see them everyday. "Breathe, remember who you are. You are amazing. You are beautiful. Release all your guilt. Forgive yourself. You are worthy. You are whole and complete now. You are doing enough. Chin up. Straighten your posture. Eat something healthy. Take your vitamins. Do something that makes you happy. Rest. Feel gratitude and appreciation. Feel joy for no reason at all." Ect. You can write whatever reminder you need to remember daily. You can also do this with affirmations. And remember it's a done deal. We are always shifting, you don't have to learn how to shift.

You have to remember to consciously shift your thoughts, your view of yourself and your view of the world. Also your behaviors and feelings into what you prefer. We are shifting parallel realities billions of times per second, it's so easy to shift in one second, so don't limit yourself and think that it's going to take a lot of time to raise your vibration to shift. Time follows thought. Erase your negative thoughts. Don't be afraid of what happens next. You are not actually afraid of the unknown, you are afraid of what you have seen already happen to others or yourself. How bad you feel is not actually how bad things are; it's an illusion. Avoid jumping to conclusions.

Always remember, that whatever is not compatible with your current vibration cannot have any affect on you if you remain in that state, in the vibration of how you want to feel. When you feel like a dark energy has attached itself to you or you feel down, say this everyday, " I call back my energy and power back to me from all beings, from all people, from all places, from all timelines, from all dimensions and re-ground it into my present self blessed and transformed. I call on the Angels and I call on God I release all this old energy that does not belong to me. That does not serve my highest good. Release these energies and elements up above with love and light now. Thank you, thank you, God and the Angels. I love you. I love you so much."

Be mindful, slow down, breathe, practice meditation daily, positive affirmations daily, and ask yourself what is the best choice I can make right now in this moment? Repeat after me: " Everything is okay. I'm safe. These dark thoughts do not belong to me. I am the luckiest person alive. Everything is always working in my favor. All I have to do is sit back, relax and receive. There's nothing I need to do. I've done all of the work, It's already manifested. I choose to feel grateful for everything in my life now." Everything is here and now. Always bring your awareness into this now moment. Don't become a vibrational match to your fears.

When we hold a frequency of opposition, we are actually giving the opposing forces our energy. So don't give them your energy. When you push against a certain reality, you give it more strength. Just focus on yourself and focus on releasing all of the dense energy, and limiting beliefs that do not belong to you and were handed down to you. Remember that love and light always wins in the end, so there's nothing to be afraid of if you hold all the power. Everything you need is always within you.

[xianjaneway]

I just wanted to write out my comfort fics, & tag the creators if I can.

Why?

Because if this is someone's dream, I can help that dream come true for some people.

See, I work at home, sometimes as a mom, sometimes as an eBay seller, & sometimes creating beautiful, functional things in my woodshop.

ALL of these jobs require boring, repetitive, processes, that involve long hours spent alone. Sometimes, I have moments when I fucking hate any of it.

You know what gets me through those boring, lonely, repetitive parts of life? What has already propelled me through the last 5 years of chronic illness, recovery, & building a new life?

Listening to fanfic read aloud to me in the Evie app.

I LOVE my comfort fics.

Let's go by fandom, bc while Marvel is my most recent one, the Good Omens, OFMD, Sherlock, Star Trek, & James Bond/00Q fandoms have all functioned as my literary grow-light in dark times.

I'll just start with Marvel today. Hopefully, I'll update each fandom (especially the crossovers, because THOSE are my favorite, when done well.)

However, today, I need my comfort fics, because while I've been making plans, getting passports, etc., I genuinely think it's time to get my queer family out of the US.

It's not getting any better. 💔 I have no reason to think it will. If the US citizens didn't stand up during COVID, to keep marginalized people safe, why would they do it now? 💔

Marvel:

-Into That Good Night, by Nonymous @naomisalman

I never could watch Interstellar. I'm sure it's an incredible movie in its own right, but I just couldn't sit through Christopher Nolan putting another wife or child through hell, while a flawed cis/het/white man went off to save the world.

This story not only made Interstellar accessible to me, it showed real recovery from hopelessness, real healing, and the utter pain & joy of perseverance through impossible odds.

-War, Children, by Nonymous

I'm married to a recovering hoarder, lol. He's amazing. The characterization of both PTSD & poverty here is spot-on. I love how these two healing characters give each other hope & strength to face another overwhelming day.

-Heliotrope, by Nasri

Dear God, I couldn't love this story more. My late grandmother-in-law actually survived the Dust Bowl, & nearly starved to death. She was the gentlest, quietest, sweetest woman I've ever met. This fic accurately described not only the hell of living through this disaster, but showed how *little* it takes to make hope light up your eyes again. Peaches haven't tasted the same since.

It also showed the sustaining power of love, in the midst of sacrifice. Every single character in this story is willing to give up *everything* for the people they love, & it's a fascinating process to watch unfold.

I have an idea for a sequel that I've written the bare bones for, but haven't finished. That's the first fiction I've written in 8 years. THAT is how much this story meant to me.

-Road to Giverny in Winter, by Nasri

Dear God, I needed this. Station Eleven was a masterpiece, yes, but this story distilled & concentrated it until the flavor burst on my tongue. The aftertaste still lingers, a year later.

I fucking hate the stereotype of, "strong men who never feel their feelings." "Giverny" gives Steve Rogers a whack with a scalpel & a sledgehammer, & makes him actually feel AND heal. I wish the MCU had done the same!

-The "All The Time In The World" series, by NotEvenCloseToStraight

I tagged this in my bookmarks with, "Dear God, this is better than the movies." And I truly think it is, because it gave as MUCH priority to the relationships as it did to the action. I hate it when movies make relationships (and therefore, women) a distraction from the mission objective, & therefore an emotional whiplash for both the characters & the audience:

"OH, the lead character is in love with her, but she's keeping him from RESCUING CHILDREN from a flaming building, so I kinda hate her right now."

This series makes the incredible, deep, heartfelt relationships JUST as much of a mission as, "Saving the World," & it's so rare to see that done well. (It's an unusual Stuckony endgame in the 3rd fic, that you really have to read to believe it would work. It absolutely works.)

I also think it gave much more honor & depth to Peggy Carter's character, & her love story with both Steve & her eventual husband, than the MCU ever did. NECTS uses the, "Elderly Person Gives A Dose Of Wisdom" trope quite lovingly here, & I enjoyed every minute of it.

-Ticking Down, by hulucthulhu

I had only seen clips of the movie, "Timers" on YouTube shorts, & thought it was hokey as hell.

Turns out? The same woman that wrote "Wandavision" ALSO wrote Timers. This Timers/MCU crossover (w/ a bit of Soulmate trope sprinkled on top) is yet another story about the hard work of overcoming our worst anxieties, and of healing from grief, trauma, & pain. From Tony learning to swim again after Afghanistan, to Bucky learning to care for a kitten, & do aerial yoga, every beat of this story is about taking the next step towards healing.

The ending/epilogue is also very satisfying.

-All The Angels and The Saints, by Speranza

I've written before about my journey from fundamentalism & Evangelical Christianity.

So, seeing Steve Rogers take a journey from childhood faith, to youthful atheism, to foxhole believer, to disillusioned lover, is fucking incredible. I felt EVERY beat of his faith, loss, hope, & awakening.

One thing I haven't seen much of, but Speranza just NAILED here, is how journey like Steve's affects the people he loves most.

I was enraptured w/ Bucky's journey in response to Steve's struggles. From his annoyed introduction of Steve to a potential employer as, "He's meticulous. He cares about things no sane person would care about," all the way to, [paraphrase] "How DARE you think God would make all this [gestures at the war, at his own scars] happen to teach you a fucking lesson??" Bucky reflects the tragedy of the evangelist: we spend all our time trying to convince other people how to live, while ignoring our own life.

Steve was so deep into his ideology, that Bucky's moment of, "You never think about me," is a moment that shakes him right out of abstraction & into his physical reality. And the whole fic is full of moments like that, whipping Steve's heart & mind into a frenzy, until he learns who the REAL "good guys" are.

I'm kind've obsessed w/ ALL of Speranza 's works right now. They, along w/ ItsallAvengers, are my current, "I must read everything they wrote in my fandoms" hyperfixation."

So, that's all I have time for today. I think I've stopped crying, & can start taking the next steps to get us out of here. 🖖

my dream as a fanfic writer is for one day, one of my fics to be someones comfort fic. like the fic that they reread when they don't feel good and want to be happy. i want my words to comfort someone one day

[a-first-love]

September 12th, 2024

Okay I swear to god we've had another session in between this and I fully can not remember when or what we did in the last one. But I know we sort of finished up on Poison. Oh!!! I remember, it was right before I went to Alaska!! So I'm missing two sessions :( boo, so sorry. We haven't really had the most time to meet up these last two months, so I think the last session I remember was probably July 23rd and then one more August 6th, but then Seattle had a DJ set in Chicago (slayyy) and then his program crashed?? So now a lot of the instruments / plug ins we were using before don't work now, which is a huge bummer and was a big reason we didn't meet a lot of August. But we did some really cool shit with Poison before all that. I took my vocals and cleaned them up, took out some of the harmonies to make it a little more cohesive, there's still more to add for the second verse, but what he did was super cool! He added a lot of the background instruments and the synths / so many strings I don't even know exactly what but the vibes shifted dramatically for the better. There's also a sick drop before the bridge, the panning on the harmonies and the doubles is immaculate, so so so so much, it's so good. But! we are done working on Poison for a bit (partially because the plug ins thing and partially because it's just time to move on) and today we started Hearts Beat!

This song is probably my favorite on the album and honestly, probably one of my favorite songs I've written to this day. For me, it captures a moment in time so viscerally, so vividly that I remember every detail of every detail of the night I began writing this song, every emotion I felt, heck every detail of the room I was in. The song is about the first night I ever spent with the person I wrote this album about. I didn't know if he liked me at this point, or at least I wasn't sure, and we had finished a game night in my dorm and my friends left and we just went to sleep. And that's all. But I feel like this song captures the electricity of knowing the person you like likes you back, the innocence of a first love, and the freedom that came with college, the hesitancy, the energy, the nerves we both felt. Years later we admitted we both didn't sleep a single second that night, though we both pretended to. And I still remember every part of that night. The exact shade of the amber light from my out of town roommates lamp, the letters and postcards I kept on my wall from my childhood friends, the star string lights and the yellow dim they exuded hanging above the window. Us in the purple target sheets. This song represents exactly everything that made me fall in love with that person (it was almost my birthday gift to him that summer but I didn't finish the second verse in time), and I think for that it will always be my favorite song. It truly is baby me in love for the first time, and it will always make me nostalgic and wistful remembering how I felt that night, regardless of everything else that happened in the relationship. So I'm very, very excited to be working on this song.

The ukulele has finally made its introduction to the album with this song (the whole thing was written on ukulele so it has to have some homage). We laid out the riff I play in the verses, the chords I strum for the choruses, the single chords ringing out the final verse. Seattle worked his magic and made the ukulele less boomey. He had the best way to describe it-- he made it sound less like a tuning fork haha. And it really does sound so nice and intimate. What I want out of this song is to feel like it's in a bedroom. I want it to have that contained magic, the large dreams in a comfortable space, kind of emotion and it's amazing the processing and reverbs and distortion it took to get the ukulele to that point. But it sounds really good and I can't wait for the rest of the instruments :)

I've been in a swarm of interviews lately, but I'm hoping I can find some time to lay out the base vocals tomorrow so that we have something to work off of, just so we can start building the rest of the song. But I'm very, very happy to be back working on all of this. It's been too long <3

[ohleander]

1.27.25

Been feeling incredibly anxious most of the day today, but regardless of my feelings, it has been a good day! I've experienced a plethora of human emotions and have been fortunate enough to have time to ponder them deeply. I've also done a lot of stuff today too. Made some gifts for loved ones. Salt baths to soothe my friends' body, mind, & spirit. Spent a lot of time doomscrolling today. I wonder if this zone-out tendency is part of my cycle. Sometimes I do crave the doomscroll. It does not make me feel good though. I did take one good step today and I deleted my old instagram. The temptation to lurk on that one is gone now. I wonder can I muster up the spirit to delete my current instagrams and my twitter too? They're currently in limbo. I just know I would feel better if I dumbed down my life from all the smart social medias. Its hard to break away though. I always linger a bit, wondering if I'm making a hasty irreversible decision. Does it even matter that much? I get onto dad for thinking too much because I also think too much and Its all just a touch too much! In the mind, anyway. Still practicing having more chill. I think things run more smoothly when I'm more effortless about it. Sure, some worry will pop up.. I cant let it eat at my nerves so much. I can function better if I dont. Somehow, I've gotta find a way to soothe. My nerves have been tense lately! This crush I have on my friend is so unreal, I often end my weeks feeling so dazed and in love. Its wild to feel this feeling after so long. Its not something I've ever felt before. I want to write more about my love than my anxieties. I dont mean to escape the current events of the world, but I want to nurture my own part of the world so bad. I want to nurture them and live life along with their excitement about living. Maybe one day we could get there. It feels a bit out of my scope as it is right now. But I do not fear my feelings.

Sometimes my feelings are so big, they're hard to hold, but they're not something I fear having anymore. I no longer judge myself for having certain feelings or thoughts. I allow myself to have them, they linger for a moment and then they move on. However long it takes sometimes. The love I have for them has stuck around though. It only gets more intense when I'm around them. I'll be staring straight at them and my inner voice will be going "iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou". I wonder if my heart eyes show. I wonder if my jealousy shows. Its not something I'm proud of, but It is an emotion I have. I get flustered when others are real close with them. I fret and worry about it. I end up feeling threatened and likely for no reason?? But its hard to not feel this simple raw little feeling.. jealousy. Its kind of powerful, in an uncomfortable way.

But honestly, more on the love itself. I think that I could go every day with them, feeling so easygoing.. pleasant, eager, capable, just to be by their side. At this point, I would feel such a loss if we were to part for whatever reason. They make me feel eager for life. Lighting up my life in a way I never imagined I could feel. Thats one of the startling things about all this, is the new feelings I've never experienced. Its a brand new road map to unfamiliar territory. When I find that I like someone, they become a part of my inner voice. My inner voice has always come in two and usually its me, myself. But when I find affection for someone else, they become that other voice, that other perspective. I need to remember that this is my version of their voice... and not their real self. I cant forget their personhood that doesnt have anything to do with me. This is where I see my codependent tendencies kick in. Its okay, as long as I recognize.

On that note, lately I've realized that in being "good", you must also recognize the power that you have.. your ability to do really really bad. You've gotta acknowledge all the real harm you can do in this world, all of the avenues where you could intentionally and unintentionally hurt someone. You've got to see for yourself where your power lies and choose not to do bad. It takes seeing all of your 'bad' potentials and accepting that yeah, you could do that if you chose to. But you choose not to. Just because you see the route doesnt mean you take it. Choices are very real.

LA

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary472

1/11-12/25

saturday - sunday

good day today,

even though i selfie spammed yesterday, i have more today:

i said i would dress casual today... a corset is kind of casual... i felt so crazy when i realized i could layer the corset on that top like that, since it's like two pieces basically, and that part that hangs over is sheer, it looks very pretty, i was really happy with that today. also i can repeat that during hotter seasons, with shorts, although i think this did really look good with the skinny jeans as well.

my gf didn't get her teeth cleaned today, fsr the doctor only had her come in for a consultation which isn't nonsense but you have her in the chair, might as well do something, it'd be good to have them cleaned i imagine. while that happened her mom and i went grocery shopping, which was really quick and we were able to get the stuff we needed, i got cucumber today because i have really been craving sunomono, and when i got home and put everything away, i made it. i also made some tsukemono w/ some extra carrots. these are both going to go on salads i make, i think. i'm very excited for that, tomorrow. i hope it goes well w/ the spinach + mixed greens.

hot pot went well, also. it tasted really good, i ate a lot of bok choy, we should buy it more i like cooking with it a lot but my gf gets bothered by the texture sometimes. her friend/boss sat across from us, we see eachother a lot really so she is just a friend, she seemed very out of it tonight, she said that the hot pot place is too warm and loud so it overstimulates her and put her on edge, not that it was too obvious but i was thinking about who notices what and when and why, w/r/t people, i always wonder if my sometimes getting worried about people being bad moods or whatever when they're just staring off into space for other reasons, or noticing that they seem to be out of it at all, is a weird thing, or if my compulsion to ask about it is the weird thing. maybe everyone notices and doesn't ask because they already know it wouldn't be useful? she seemed to be happy to explain, honestly, so i don't know. i just know i spent a lot of time in my youth basically having to read the minds of my parents, or most of my life.

speaking of parents. i really guess i need to explain to my mom why me showing her my face has been so touchy for me. it feels bad to leave her in the dark i guess... idk. it's a scary thought though.

i listened to the second black eyes album again today:

rather liked this one off it. still not fully sticking but that's how it is with this band. love the screams here though, love how shambolic it all is, oh, i think i wrote some kind of shambolic riffs tonight, ugly and freaked out, barely held together. maybe not held together at all. i'll figure that out when i listen again or write drums for them. figuring out a bassline will be a pain. plus that idea's not fully done. i want to write some more playful feeling riffs... something like:

something about the stuff i write, sometimes it feels a little cold, there's something simple in these riffs, i always struggle w/ that, but it'd come to me easier if i just wrote some of this stuff on guitar more often. i'll try that tomorrow probably, just mess around and come up with something.

i should also read and draw and everything else, i do wanna, i wanted to today but i got sidetracked.

also, re: the sunomono, it's not like it took long but for some reason it makes me feel very happy to do things like that in the kitchen, maybe because it reminds me of grandma... i like being in the kitchen, i wish this kitchen we had wasn't a place i also feared kind of, because of the bugs. then i could bake. whenever we leave here and get into a place that hopefully has no insects, i want to bake like once a week maybe... maybe bi-weekly. i really miss baking. i would love to make cookies or brownies.

oh here's something i only finally just heard, but feel stupid for not hearing sooner:

ethan kath one of the worst people ever, but this remix is psychotically hard.

okay, now i'm up a little too late, so i'll sleep, tomorrow... i forgot to post those dolls i found on flickr, i'll do it tomorrow too, we aren't doing anything.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[koolades-world]

Hey ade! Long time no see! My school started back up again, and I just had a huge paper due. It feels a weight off my shoulders for now, but I know this semester is going to progressively get worse… so I’m trying to hang on. Therefore, I’ve been very excited in looking at your regular updates for Spellbound Secrets! So I think I’ll be waiting till it finishes so I can binge read it! I’m sure it’s awesome! Although I hope I can continue reading it if it doesn’t make me uncomfortable, because I have this weird feeling where I feel like I’m betraying Satan by reading something romantic related to the rest of the cast. It’s a stupid reason, I know T^T But! I was wondering what your thesis is- like what you’re working on! Because as a HUGE chem lover, and by that extension- science, I’m curious! Not only is my favourite author writing about my favourite character, but they’re also interested in a field I adore so much?? You just keep getting cooler and cooler in my eyes!

HIII!!!

omg you just made my day so much better! some stuff happened this morning and it's a giant mess, but i'm working through it a little at a time. saw this earlier and couldn't answer until now because i too was on the schoolwork grind. not that i procrastinated, but i spent all of yesterday doing one assignment because i didn't get it and really wanted to. so that left everything for today. not my most well played move, but hey! i think i get that thing now haha

honestly, i totally get the feeling like you're betraying your fav thing. live laugh love satan. i have no clue how i ended up writing a solomon fic before satan. since i'm a loyal fan, i have been sprinkling little satan moments in there even though he's not actually present haha. i'll probably continue to do that and once he actually comes back (because the end goal is to find the brothers) i'll have actual moments of mc and satan together. my favoritism shines through especially where i not so casually mentioned his pact mark was over mc's heart. yeah, i'm not slick LOL. he's just the best, i don't make the rules! not sure how long the fic is going to be yet, but i think it's going to be longer than i had originally planned just because of the way i'm breaking it up from what i had written down in my notes. before i started writing the fic, i jotted down every single plot point in bullet points and then expanded from there. each bullet point was supposed to be a chapter, but things got derailed pretty quickly and i'm not totally sticking with my plan either haha. maybe once the fic is complete, i'll release what i originally had planned so everyone can see the first working draft

you didn't hear this from me, but i do have this fun little idea that might be able to make a fic if i work on it more. it's still a wip, but it's essentially a satan x ghost reader fic! reader would be a ghost haunting the HoL, but i'm not sure if i would make the ghost mc or not. either way it would create some problems, but like i said, it's essentially still an idea in my idea list lol. i have time to iron it out. i had a couple cute scenes planned out so even if it doesn't make it to full form fic it can become a oneshot. ghost reader helping satan find the book his looking for by pushing it off a high shelf, or ghost reader growing to love him from a distance! possibilities are endless. i also have that satan shower drabble still like half done, and i have another fun series planned! the concept for that is loosely meeting the brothers in the human world without knowing they're demons. also might do a oneshot, or mini-fic/series that's only a few parts long that's kinda like a dnd campaign type thing? it's not been fleshed out enough yet, but the main characters are mc, and the anti-luci league (+ mephi). the love interest is still undecided but knowing me, it will become satan lol

but enough about that for now! school just started for me too. it's the start of week three and i feel like i'm already losing my mind haha. i love love love science! i'm a general biology major and it is my love. in high school, i was the only one crazy enough to take A Level AICE Biology. loved my bio teacher so much! my undergrad research is all about finding, isolating, and researching an individual bacteriophage. like, totally undiscovered! i'm such a nerd about that because i think it's super cool. i can't wait to be able to show off my phage! this week, we actually get to go find it by collecting some soil samples and next week, we start the isolating process. i absolutely cannot wait to find mine! i plan to name mine after my high school bio teacher as a thank you for helping me find my passion. it's going to be entered in a real database! if it's unique enough, it'll be sent off for more indepth gene analysis. today in class i accidently spilt bacteria on my bench... the professor didn't see but i did have to seriously scrub my bench afterwards lol. the lab itself is really cool too! the lab budget difference from high school to college is crazy because now i handle 1000 dollar equipment (that's kind of easy to break mind you) and bacteria on a daily basis. the most they entrusted us with in high was the hot plate to heat up water lol. the bacteria isn't super dangerous, but one of the strains we are working with is related to the bacteria that causes TB. the end goal is to of course find something new and unique to study, but it might be useful for helping cure diseases and stuff like that. besides my research, i'm also in bio and chem. so far so good but wow does my chem professor speak fast haha. despite the work, i am excited! so far so good

wow i really yapped. you mentioned the two things i love most: satan and science haha. if you'd mentioned cats at all i think this would have been another fat paragraph of text longer. i know we're both counting down the days until the end of the semester. we can make it!

have a great day! sending lots of love <333