#part of my life is stagnant rn it seems. and it’s not just me it’s my siblings too. we’re all getting older but none of us is trying to move
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#to translate this post: someone liked this post i made (on the upper left) on AUGUST 28 having a moment of self awareness that i was running#away from my whole life and not moving or learni ng to drive or anything. it is now march 8. it has been almost 7 months. and i have made#basically zero progress. and there is nothing stopping me but me. i could read the drivers manual and whatever whenever i want. but i am not#doing anything. and i don’t know how to get myself to start.#purrs#i know it’s a cop out excuse but i truly do think it’s covid. i think being in lockdown for a year and a half made me just let go of any#sense of progress. made me scared to take steps forward. and i mean i did bc i lived on campus for a while after that but it’s like.. EVERY#part of my life is stagnant rn it seems. and it’s not just me it’s my siblings too. we’re all getting older but none of us is trying to move#out or gain our independence in any way and my brother isn’t even looking for jobs even though he needs one. we’re all just getting older#but we’ve lost (or maybe had knocked out of us by covid and our mom being so strict) any sense of moving ipward and spreading our wings.#forgotten we have wings at all. and ive done important things like going on a house tour or traveling with my besties (<3). but i have only#made it to page 8 of the drivers manual and i truly do not want to read the rest of it. i have only been on one house tour and im longing to#move out but how much am i really because i can’t bring myself to schedule another tour and start searching for a new home in earnest.#i just come home every day UTTERLY exhausted and spend all my free time trying to process or rest. and im not making room for myself to use#my wings. and it’s truly terrible. why are we all okay with living like this. my younger self would be HORRIFIED if she saw how much i had a#atrophied since graduating and moving back home. my brighton self would be HORRIFIED. i told myself i wouldn’t and then it’s exactly what i#did. and ik im being harsh and ive spread my wings in some important ways during this time but… these are so obvious. such low hanging#fruit in some ways. bc any 16 year old can take this test and pass it so why can’t i at 24? why won’t i let myself? dont i want a nice cozy#home i make my own where i can eat what i want and sleep when i want and have control over sounds? then why am i not running for it?#delete later#i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 my one precious life 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃#also LMFAOOOOO the next tag on that aug 28 post was that i need to get a new campus id card… guess who hasn’t done that either ♥️
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i just finished playing parts 1 and 2 of tlou for the first time and, as someone who has grown to love joel and ellie very much within the span of 72 hours and found their characterization in pt 2 to be straight up bizarre, your takes on the game are a godsend. the rage in my heart cannot be extinguished but it can be soothed. thank u for ur service 🫡
you’re welcome!! it’s baffling to me how many people seem to have mindlessly taken it all in, just letting themselves be force fed some bullshit morality tale with no thought cus… yeah it’s bad ajsjjs. the gameplay is good although a little repetitive since it’s more open, the graphics are stunning, and as a disabled person who can struggle with games sometimes the accessibility is next level. they definitely get credit for that!
but the narrative is terrible. for a start it’s chock full of contrivances. abby happens to find tommy and then when she’s looking for him after making a FOURTEEN DAY JOURNEY across a dangerous world she gets into trouble and who should save her but joel! who then runs into a lodge unarmed with a group of strangers after 20 years of being on his guard. and then ellie runs into the room too unarmed despite the noises she can hear coming from it, even though she took on david and his cronies at 14 and got the better of them lol? then they all travel another FOURTEEN DAYS no problems, they find who they need in a huge city, ellie leaves a handy map for abby to find her. it’s absurd. one or two contrivances i can ignore but when you’re that reliant on them for your plot it’s not good writing!
then there’s ellie ‘im scared to end up alone’ ‘you’re the only person to never leave me and id be more scared without you’ williams. a girl who lost her best friend/first love traumatically and had a whole ‘let’s make the most of the time we have left’ thing with her… and she doesn’t speak to the most important person in her life for 2 years?? not my ellie lmao. i can see her being mad. i can see her being cold to him. I can see that relationship being different bcus of joel’s lie. i can’t see her going cold turkey whilst living on the same property as him for that long. i can’t see her never asking him for a proper explanation in that time. she leaves everything behind eventually despite her fears and how important the notion of family is to her. bye dina and jj. and then at the end… it’s pointless! she didn’t even get her revenge after becoming unrecognisable, leaving her loved ones behind, and killing a slew of people to get there. nor does she develop lol AT ALL. at 14 she had survivors’s guilt and was ready to sacrifice her life bcus of that and a belief her life doesn’t matter and then at 19 she’s the same! there’s no lightbulb moment where she’s like OH my life does matter it does have value none of my friends’ deaths were my fault and i don’t need to die for absolution. there’s no moment she realises why joel saved her. she’s stagnant. it’s so miserable. and it haunts me what we could have had if joel hadn’t been killed off for torture porn shock value. if they’d had to go on some journey with their relationship cold and not As It Was and along the way ellie has that understanding that her life DOES matter. ‘no one wants the same story they played in tlou blah blah boring’ LOL YES?? ellie and joel are why ppl loved part 1 and that’s why they had to lie so much in the lead up to the game and marketing. ‘this is a story about joel and ellie that’s why we decided not to have it about new characters’ lie ‘we love joel and ellie and we’re going to treat them with respect’ lie, plus aging joel and ellie up in the trailers and inserting joel into the trailer in a way that made ppl think they were going on a journey. it was a deliberate lie to make ppl who wanted more joel and ellie buy the game and they told it for a reason. and besides there’s a difference between ‘i just met you and i don’t like you rn but slowly im gonna love you’ and ‘i love you but i don’t much like you’ and that difference is actually fascinating and could have been used to rlly good effect instead of… all those stupid contrivances and torture porn!
and then there’s joel lmao. even the opening when he says ‘i saved her’ is so funny his expression his tone it’s literally disney/marvel villain sjsjsjd i cannot take it seriously. beyond that there’s such a dissonance between a) what actually happens in part 1 and what they say in part 2 and b) the violent world they’ve put him/us in and then asked us to get across in one piece with a kid in part 1 and how he’s then judged for that in part 2. ‘get this kid across the country but when WE make it so you’re attacked in every chapter and have to defend yourself/ellie we are going to say joel is a cruelly violent man’ ‘get this kid across the county without letting her die when you’re attacked pls and btw in part 2 we are going to say you taught her violence and corrupted her’ never mind that it’s impossible joel could have done the job in the world THEY created and then punished us for acting accordingly in, but also that he doesn’t even give her a gun until using one makes her sick and it’s not a fun toy to her. and even then it’s for emergencies. he never attacks first, he only defends. and they made it that way! that specific world is useless in moralising to us about violence bcus of that dissonance. none? of? us? can? help? it? ‘be violent when ur attacked or you’ll die and can’t progress the story but we are gonna punish and villainise and demonise you for it in part 2’ ‘kill hundreds of people and dogs, torture people, but did you know violence is bad actually??’. ABSURD. and in that hospital joel was NOT the aggressor. honestly the whole thing would have worked better if abby’s revenge had been for pointless violence. but from the point we know him joel is never violent until they are attacked first. that’s inarguable fact. even tommy in part 2 tells ellie joel wouldn’t have gone to seattle for revenge if it had been one of them! it’s been a long time since he did terrible things and im not saying that makes it ok (except he’s hot and not real so idc) BUT that aside the point is, he doesn’t go looking for it, and it’s never pointless anymore. but he’s the Big Bad Evil who deserves to die like a dog and we know you all love joel but we’re gonna make you hear it and watch it and also in the whole game we are gonna make him the punching bag we are not even going to ONCE let him open his mouth and explain what really happened in that hospital and why he saved ellie (yeah he’s so terrible for not letting a suicidal 14yr old kill herself)! which rlly brings us back round to the dissonance cus they’ve ALL done shitty stuff to survive including abby but she’s gonna be the one to ‘stop horrible evil villain joel in his tracks’ when he’s been living quietly in jackson for 5 years and she’s gonna get her revenge and then after get a happy hopeful ending all to show us violence and revenge is bad which a) falls flat bcus what? revenge makes you lose everything and end up alone except not for abby! and b) she’s objectively just as awful if not more so than joel but she’s the one who has to stop him and gets a nice redemption arc with a hopeful happy ending and joel has to die! abby:
shows great pleasure in slowly torturing joel and then killing him brutally
does the above in front of his screaming kid who’s being held down and forced to watch even though just finding her dad’s body is traumatising for her
is in an authoritarian militia who is intent on wiping out anyone else out in seattle lol?
kills people for that militia including kids
after torturing joel and killing him is so deeply unaffected by it she laments the fact she hasn’t got time to torture some seraphites who are chained up in cells
kills jessie when he’s unarmed cus she rlly learnt violence and revenge was so awful and took everything from you. wait, no, only ellie had to learn that lesson and end up alone. she also shoots and injured tommy!
once again shows sadistic pleasure in the idea of killing when she’s about to slit dina’s throat. this pleasure is bcus she’s pregnant so again yeah she rlly was so affected by her violence and revenge lmao.
never shows any great remorse beyond a throwaway line, meanwhile ellie loses absolutely everything including her fingers and joel, peacefully minding his business in jackson is the villain who deserves to brutally die and even after he’s dead he’s further villanised by the narrative lol even tho he was right to kill jerry fuck that man!
it’s just completely nonsensical! not only are they moralising to us in a world that doesn’t suit it, but they can’t even do it well!
it’s also just relentless misery and torture porn. kill all these ppl kill these dogs watch joel die horribly beat ellie up as the person who killed him even though you love her and are attached to her (really struggle to understand where im meant to find empathy for abby during this, esp after jessie and then the whole dina bit) watch ellie lose her family lose her fingers and end up alone which was her greatest fear. don’t even get me started on the section that posits ellie as a david figure down to gameplay mechanics and the theatre set up which is beyond vile when he tormented her when she was a fucking kid and the voice actor has talked about how he was going to r*** her. it’s vile enough that they took the first lesbian protagonist of an AAA game and tortured her for 25 hours straight and turned her into the villain but to also position her as her own fucking predator is straight up horrific. cus that’s not a stereotype in the lgbt community… as an aside, troy saying joel is the same as david is the stupidest thing ive ever heard and he should shut up forever.
on top of all that the game is homophobic, transphobic and racist. neil got the idea when he fantasised about killing palestinians in revenge… yikes. you can even see how the conflict between the wlf and the seraphites mirrors what’s going on in palestine. it’s actually a plot that’s very similar to an early iteration of tlou1 that was stopped cus... it didn’t make sense for anyone in that world to travel when it’s so dangerous just to get revenge ajsjsjs come back bruce! (ppl like to forget he was integral to part 1)
this game doesn’t respect the characters, it doesn’t respect the world, and it sure as heck doesn’t respect us. it takes the ambiguity from the end of part 1 which made it SO great and rips it to shreds. instead of being allowed to make our own minds up they ram down our throats that joel was completely wrong in the way they punish him through the narrative and ellie (the ellie part just makes it worse :/). goodbye nuance goodbye grey area. the reaction to it from gamers who hail it as a narrative masterpiece and love abby whilst arguing joel is a villain who deserved to die show what propaganda was invented for actually! and then ppl have the audacity to say if you don’t like the game you’re a homophobic woman hater with no depth or nuance ITS LAUGHABLE.
i found the experience of playing the game so genuinely traumatic it was that full of torture porn but the good news is the further out i get from playing the game the better it gets. i haven’t cried for days and days about it which is a record!! and at that point it gets so much easier to disengage from part 2 and just enjoy the actual masterpiece part 1 was.
#SORRY I GOT CARRIED AWAY ON UR ASK#it’s just tiresome to keep being told there aren’t any valid criticisms of this game… so here they all are ajsjjsd#the feelings of rage and upset get better tho#like ill still complain cus im an autistic goblin but im feeling much better now#the last of us spoilers#tlou2#anti tlou2#tlou
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vent tw for everything
do we all just suffer from crippling inferiorty complex no matter how amazing we are and no matter how good our morals are. I'm pretty skinny smart funny kind talented young stylish self aware good at conversation charistmatic yet i still lay awake at night thinking i fucking hate everyone i fucking hate life and i fucking hate myself
maybe its the depression maybe its the fact that i am delirious rn NO ONE KNOWS ive just never fuckin had friends so ive never percieved myself not since i was a kid so ive been so confused about who i am lately and for a while. i just play this role of this girl who barely survives everyday because everything is mentally exhausting and i am permanently drained and tried despite rotting 24/7
like i know im cool i know im worthy of self love and i def have loved myself a lot for some reason the fucking monster of self doubt just wins everytime. i just want one day where i feel like i can function. im too young to be this broken. im too young to feel this stuck in life. the sad part is i would be okay with my little hermit lifestyle aswell as long as i wasn't depressed to my core and riddled with anxiety which is physically painful. this seems to be the case with a lot of mentally ill people my heart just breaks a little extra for myself because i went from childhood straight into coping with mental illness and life. i just wish i had something to give me clarity. ive mentioned before how i feel stupid and stagnant lately that was nothing but the truth. i miss learning. i miss discovering. i miss not being forced to be cynical. once you know you can't unknow. and i know so much yet so little at the same time. i literally can not do it on my own anymore but nothing and no one can make me escape thinking. i wish so badly i was the average person sometimes and not mentally ill. im anti meds/therapy for myself!!!! i just need a break though so i might finally bite the bullet though. wish it didnt come to this. none of this was my fault. the unfairness of life hurts my soul. its been so difficult seeing the things that nearly lead me to suicide contonue to be glamourized and normalized on the internet and stigmatized in real life. im so tired typing this so excuse me if its just me rambling i just so badly need an escape
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Diary Entry 04082024
11:40 pm
Dear Diary,
It may seem weird but I am in a stagnant state again, I have begun to find myself in one place and not sure which direction I want to head into. It is weird place to be because I am happy and also very content with my life, but I also didn't plan on ACTUALLY achieving all the things I have achieved and getting the things I want so quickly. Now I feel like I have to plan to cooperate with plans I wanted but di not think I would have.
It is truly insane, my relationship is going so well. We saw each other this past weekend and for the most part it went well. I took him to my grandma's hoarder house and we stayed there and in a weird way I feel like I showed him a piece of myself I was not ready to let him see. I let him see my real life, my real world, my real reality with no thoughts other than me wanting to spend time with him. It's so weird how a perfectionist can jump into something like that. BUT TRUST, all those perfectionist-isms caught right the fuck up to me and I started freaking out. But he didn't judge me in anyway, at least not to my face, I didn't ask what he thought either, so I guess a win is a win? He also met my parents, and they like him, but I knew they would.
Okay so to be honest, and I have to be honest, this is my Diary..duhhh umm, how do I say that our sex is kinda not what i expected at all. LOL. I thought this man would be like all over me, but maybe it's because he doesn't actively objectify me? I don't know. I fel tlike after not seeing each other for as long as it's been it would be really good, but he came quickly, which I guess also comes with not having sex for a while. I just have gone from a really sexual person, to having sex once a month, which I guess I was doing before, but I actually have a genuine connection to this person and I feel true, genuine love towards him. He felt really insecure about it as any man would, but I didn't even get to finish, which I think sucked the fucking most tbh. I don't know, I don't expect him to be a p*rn s*ar but I guess there is just a certain type of sex that I am used to? I think it's best to just talk about it with him but I never really know how to bring sex up without coming off as a horny bastard. I don't want to come off as objectifying him either, even though I do, just not towards him. It's not like I don't see him as a person though, I'm just incredibly lustful. and maybe thats my issue.
Regardless, I need to get sex out of my mind even though it is something I think about fucking constantly, I don't know if it's a real issue yet, I just know that it's everyday, a lot of the time it is what I am thinking about. I may ask my ex therapist about it, because I feel like it is damaging my fucking braincells.
I also need to figure out what the fuck I am going to do with my life besides work. I work 5 days a week now, which has absolutley been an adjustment, but I also need to get back to my hobbies to take up the time and maybe my brain and my goals will become clearer to me. I want to save!!! I want to start saving so I can move out of this house because I so desperately wish to be on my own. I want to lose those 10 pounds, I'm back up to 159 lbs which is like fine, I look fine but I still desire to be lower, I think 150 is the goal now? 155 I lowkey looked ill, BUT if I tone up more, than I should be okay. I want to start cooking for real this time, I want to do it on Monday when I wfh because I'll have the time and then I can have lunch for Tuesday or Wednesday but eating the same thing in a row is kinda crazy so we'll see. Lastly, I really want to scrapbook, it has been such a heavy thing on my mind and it WILL be started this year. A new hobby outside of my phone, maybe I can make videos just for fun to work on some other type of skill that a million people already seem to have.
This year has really been my year, I finally graduate next month and I am BEYOND ready to put undergrad truly, truly behind me and never think about it ever tf again.
That's all I got for now, goodnightt!!!
#dear diary#online diary#journal#secret diary#journaling#secret journal#2024#april 8th#solar eclipse#aries#scorpio#scorpio sun#working girl#thought process#growth#growth journey#healing#forever healing#change#sagittarius rising#virgo moon
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march 3, 2023
there’s like a fog over everything it feels like for the past at least 24 hours. i don’t know i guess i’m just feeling like what’s the point? the energy in the air feels really stagnant and i feel like i’m searching for something. but its weird bc I’ve been doing all the things that make me happy; going to the gym, writing, reading and taking notes, eating fruit. my instinct is to just let it pass without trying too hard to find the why of it bc i know if i try to find the why the feeling will stick around longer. i can’t help but feel unsettled though.
it feels like a dream is cracking in front of my eyes. i don’t really know what to do about it. like, do i accept this dream as cracked and different than i hoped, or do i pivot and figure out what to do next? i feel like in the least i’m looking forward to having more down time on this next break, i really do want to start compiling my writing to be submitted and then hopefully submit it.
thinking about what to do next is a scary thought. i haven’t thought about that in a while, i honestly thought i would want to do this for longer than it feels like i’m going to want to. i might also just be tired, this might be the sleep schedule fucking me up.
maybe i need to do something totally new again. i feel like the tall ships would be a lot of fun, i feel like i could learn something there. and that seems like a more engaging sailing job than this. and also the rules would probably make sense then.
it feels like i’m lacking in connection on this boat rn, and maybe that means i need to get back in touch with myself. but the trouble is i feel like i have been doing that with my morning routine that had been serving me so well this week. but this funk settled over me yesterday evening and now it feels like its back. maybe i need to cry, like have a really good cry. i also don’t feel like I’ve laughed a lot in the past few days either.
the energy in general just feels kind of defeated, deflated. and this feels distinctly different than what i was feeling at starbucks when i could tell it was time to go, it still feels stagnant but the root of it feels different. i feel like the laughter is a big thing to touch on, i really don’t think I’ve heartily laughed in a while. i don’t think since I’ve been here. maybe i need to tire myself out enough that i get loopy.
i don’t know, it just feels like something is dangling in the air but i can’t see it and i can’t tell if i want to let it fall or fly.
i never felt like i was lacking connection on the last contract, and maybe I’ve pulled away from everything so that’s why its all feeling so distant. oh my god maybe that’s it. the whole experience on venture made me really question what am i doing here with these people? are these my kind of people? its like i’m distended inside a decision. do i want to engage with this life and continue to make it such a large part of my life? do i want to care about these people in the way that i have for so long? is it healthy for me to continue this way?
i think something i need to really remember is that people are fucked up everywhere. everybody has their things that they are ashamed of and these people are not particular to the boat.
i think something also that threw me off is the way things ended with evan. there really was no reason for him to lie to me, like at all. and i cared about him so much. i trusted him to be honest about the situation because i tried to give him every reason to be. i just don’t understand why he had to do that. it taints the whole thing it feels like. and i know that doesn’t have to be true, one ending does not determine the rest, but its hard to trust anyone again after that. because i can only control myself and my actions, and i know i’m in a really good place with all my shit. so also i don’t really know why things ended the way they did. what was i supposed to learn from all that? was it just a lesson for him? i’m tired of that, why do i get put through all these events and emotions just to not have a lesson at the end?
although actually i think a big big lesson is to not make myself small in relationships. because i definitely did that with evan a lot. he felt so big but didn’t know how to work through it so i definitely put myself on a back-burner for him. and that’s probably another sign that it wasn’t right, i need someone who is on my level fr fr.
i think also i might be touch deprived. feeling very much so like a hug could make me sob rn. damn i guess i’m just really not feeling a lot of outside love rn, the boat is so good for bringing out down to the bare minimum of what you need.
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Fic Recs (cause it's always nice to give a shout out and get people into things I'm into rn)
[The Magnus Archives] (I recently finished the podcast and I fell into a hole for a while so here you go)
Sing a Song of Sixpence by Kaiel
Ship: Jon/Martin
In which Jonathan Sims is a Siren, and he fails to notice any new abilities granted to him by the position of Archivist. Or really anything about the Entities at all.
Takes place in season 1 featuring Jonah Magnus’s slow decent into madness
(The new mythology interwoven with tma's worldbuilding is so freaking good and I love how all the characters change and develop because of these changes. Also, f you Elias)
Along Came a Spider by Dribbledscribbles
Ship: implied Jon/Martin
Sasha James is the Archivist, as expected. Martin Blackwood is menaced by Jane Prentiss, as expected. Elias Bouchard weaves his web, as expected.
All goes as it should.
At least until something calling itself Jonathan Sims steps in.
(Web!Jon in this makes me want to weep, it's so freaking good. A pretty long, very excellent oneshot on what could've happened if Jon got taken by the web when he was a kid. And Sasha as the Archivist is ALWAYS so cool, we love her in this house.)
A Break in the Clouds by Ash_Rabbit
“I’m eight.” the kid sniffs as if eight was any different from four, maybe not an unspeakable horror then, just a regular horror. “And I heard that the Magnus Institute deals with-” his little nose scrunches, cute. “-spooky things.”
“Do you have a-” he cracks a grin, and then rethinks it as small hands tighten against their burden.”-spooky thing to deliver?” gods he hopes not, it’s bad enough when adults walk in and lay out all of their baggage, but for a child-
“There’s a spider in this book.” the kid says solemnly, raising his textbook sized parcel. “It ate Evan Pritchard.” a bloody fucking Leitner. Of course an eight year old would find a murder spider book. “This seemed like the best place to bring it.”
(I never thought about what the Original Elias could've been like AND NOW I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE OF THIS FIC. I LOVE HIM, HE'S COMPLEX AND HE CARES AND JON CARES AND THEY BOTH CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER. THIS IS THE CONTENT I WANT, OMG. Also, Jon being even smaller than usual is adorable, so cute. No wonder Elias wants to hug him, a LOT.)
See the Line where the Sky meets the Sea by The_Floating_World
Ship: Jon/Martin, Jon/Oliver Banks
When Jon is a child he looks into the infinite abyss of space. The Vast looks back into him.
(One of my all time fave fics in this fandom, no questions asked. I have reread this three times and am open to doing it again, god. Vast!Jon, such a concept. It's written so beautifully and the relationships Jon develops, so good. ugh. My heart. Please please read.)
Sweet As Roses by Prim_the_Amazing
Ship: Jon/Martin
“Come in, Martin,” he says, not looking up from his notes.
“Hi, Jon,” he says, and Jon stops writing at the sound of his voice. “We’re out of the green tea, but we’ve got lemon?”
Jon looks at him. Martin smiles at him in his usual tentative way as he sets the mug of tea down on Jon’s desk. Heat spikes so sharply in his gut that he twitches with it.
“Thank you, Martin,” he says, mouth dry, and he stands up.
“Oh,” he says, sounding almost surprised. He smiles again. “No-- no problem-- um, what are you--”
Jon takes Martin by the shoulders, leans up on the tips of his toes, and kisses him.
(You have no idea how much I howled through this fic, my god. *buries face in hands* The number of times I wanted to cry from sheer hilarity and horror reading this good lord.)
Things Could Always Be Worse by theOestofOCs
Ship: Jon/Martin, Georgie/Melanie
Sometimes, the most horrifying thing of all is what might have been.
Somewhere, Jon could swear he heard a crowd laughing.
Or: in which Jonathan Sims is forced to swap places with his alternate self—a tall, chivalrous hero extraordinaire, who knows neither fear nor nuance—and is sent to the aggressively straight alternate universe the Magnus Archives was never meant to be.
“Whatever place this is,” Jon announced, “I just want to be sure it knows I hate it.”
(I will say this once, THIS IS THE MOST CURSED THING IVE EVER READ EVER. Like holy hell. I can't believe this thing exists. please read it oh please please please)
-
[Supernatural]
heard from your mother (she don't recognize you) by Schmuzz
Ship: Dean/Cas, Jessica/Sam
A man named Cas wakes up in 2003 with no memories, but he's able to piece together a few things:
1. Supernatural creatures exist, and most of them will hurt innocent civilians if he doesn't stop them; 2. He has abilities that no human hunter should have, but he knows enough about human hunters to keep that to himself, and finally; 3. He keeps running into another hunter named Dean Winchester, who seems to be about as lonely as he is if he's willing to put up with those former facts long enough to help Cas unravel the mystery of who (or what) he really is.
For his part, Dean's still (not) dealing with Sam's departure to Stanford, and figures distracting himself with a bit of mystery and intrigue is as harmless as it gets, right? Right.
(THE fic I'm most into right now, been following this from the very start and it's AMAZING. Cas has agency and is making friends and S1 Dean is growing out of John's influence and is becoming a Person and the both of them first being friends then more. The slow burn as their relationship develops, SO GOOD. SO SO DAMN GOOD. *screams* Seriously one of the best spn fics I've read in a long, long time.)
anamnesis by cenotaphy
Ships: Castiel/Dean, Sam/Eileen
Chuck is depowered, Jack is the new god, and the world is free. Dean and Sam get into the Impala and chase down the miles on an endless highway, and their story is finally, finally their own to follow. At least, that's what Dean tells himself. But the diners and motels and painted interstate lines are blurring together and the smallest details keep catching at his brain like tiny fishhooks and he can't quite shake the feeling that not everything is exactly as it should be.
* Fix-it/alternate series finale. Canon-compliant through the end of 15.19.
(THIS IS THE FIC THAT GOT ME THROUGH THE FINALE OKAY. WHY COULDN'T THIS HAVE BEEN CANON. It's Disturbing and honestly plot-wise this makes more sense. Why couldn't we have had this. *screams*)
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[Avatar: The Last Airbender]
where the stars do not take sides by WitchofEndor
Ship: Sokka/Zuko
When Azula is nine, she becomes an only child. She hears the Fire Lord call for Zuko's life, and in the morning, her mother and brother are gone. Azula may be young, but she isn't naive. She knows what happened to them.
Which makes it all the more surprising when Azula tracks the Avatar down and fights his group of peasant friends, only to find herself staring into an eerily familiar face.
(The fact one of the tags in this fic is, "Sibling Dynamic: Fucked Up But Wholesome" should give you an idea what this fic is like. Chaotic as HELL and I just love Azula here, she loves Zuko so much in her messed up way and Zuko loves her back in the exact same way lol. It's batshit and I am Here For This.)
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[Naruto]
Eclipse by AislingRoisin (JayBird345) for HybrisAnaideia
Ship: Nara Shikaku/OFC
"In life, it's easier to remain stagnant and wallow in your troubles. But life isn't merely about continued existence, nor is it meant to be gone through alone."
(This is a fic that's slept on and I NEED people to read this. A self-insert fic that I find really interesting in its approach and the worldbuilding for the post-third war shinobi world is fantastic. I feel like there's a certain pattern with self-insert fics, not that is a detriment in any way to how much I enjoy them, so this fic feels fresh to me in a way I haven't read in a while. I am waiting eagerly for this to get updated! Please read!)
On Freedom and Other Formalities by iaso
Ship: Kakashi/Genma/OFC
When push comes to shove, Hiwa Inuzuka doesn't go down easy. Reborn into a new, dangerous world? She puts her past life as a spy to work. Thrown into a war? Hiwa does her duty, for Konoha. And when she's forced into an arranged marriage? All there is to do is beat them to the punch and get married first. Thankfully, Genma Shiranui is willing to lend a hand. Literally. SI/OC
(Listen, LISTEN, it's about the slow burn, the longing, the communication (it both has and hasn't and isn't THAT great??), the messy way you fit three very different people together, it's so freaking good! Also, Kakashi is so Chaotic here this is my fave characterization of him, you can't change my mind. And Genma is a Good Boi who is Doing His Best, along with the Self-insert character who I LOVE SO MUCH, SHE'S FANTASTIC FNEIWOPAF. Sped past this fic in the speed of light, I could not stop reading!)(Honestly, read all of the author's fics, they're all really REALLY good!)
Building a Castle by WhisperingDarkness
Without needing anyone to tell her, Sakura knew that talking to someone no-one else could see or hear would make her weird. It would draw the bad kind of attention to her, something people could make fun of her for.
She didn’t like being weird, but she did like the voice. Her inner voice was helpful and it was a part of her that had always been there. The idea of it not being there would have been so much weirder than anything else.
It was during her first year at the Academy that Sakura realised the voice was not in her head at all, but that it came from a cloudy shape floating next to her.
(Basically a short-ish retelling of Hikaru no Go. Only with more Shogi and Nara and Ninja's)
(Sakura can see ghosts (I'm noticing this is a popular trope for her) and it's really cute haha! Her relationship with Tobirama is sweet and I just enjoyed reading this so much.)
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[The Magicians]
So Long (And Thanks For All The Books) by IncompleteSentanc (Erava)
Ships: Quentin/Eliot, James/Julia, Quentin/Margo/Eliot
When Quentin is told Julia wasn't admitted to Brakebills, he realizes he has a drastic decision in front of him. If he tells Julia about magic, he'll have his mind wiped as well as hers. But he can't just leave her behind, either. He can't lose his best friend, and he can't let her life a life with her magical potential stolen away from her.
So he makes a third choice.
(Really, and I mean REALLY well-done canon divergent fic, this is the Quentin & Julia friendship fic I have been looking for forever. It explores so much of what could've happened and I just love Quentin here, I really really do. Characterization done so right. I also recommend the author's other works too. Been a follower of them for a long time, they're great.)
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[Game of Thrones]
The Road to Victory by writing_as_tracey
Too late in preparing for the Night King and the Long Night, the last stand at Winterfell is close to falling. Bran takes desperate measures to ensure victory, and Jon, Sansa, and Arya pay the price for it in a time unfamiliar to them, on the cusp of another war. [GoT, time-travel fix it]
(I swear, this fic made me laugh so many times, all the Stark are BAMF and fantastic, and Rhaegar gets Wrecked lol. It's crack btw, and the plot goes in directions you'll never guess and it's amazing hahaha!)
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[Haikyuu!!] (I am very very late to the fandom but here I am)
Ballare (To Dance) by MidnightSparks
Ship: Iwaizumi Hajime/Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru, and platonic Kageyama & Kentarou (really love their friendship)
Kageyama’s first love is volleyball. His second, however, is ballet.
In one world, Kageyama Tobio is left behind by his parents. In this world, the existence of soulbonds keeps Kageyama’s parents in Miyagi and leaves Kageyama in the care of his grandma and grandpa.
(In which soulmates exist and that changes everything and nothing at the same time.)
(*buries face in hands* I have fallen for this ship so hard and I can't get out fudge me. I understand now. Their DYNAMICS FIEWONPAF)
Kings of Tomorrow by bokubroya (liarielle)
Ship: Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru
On the eve of Tobio’s 16th birthday, he counts down the seconds to midnight, and emerges with Oikawa Tooru’s name on his wrist.
It’s been two years since then, and Tobio thought they had an understanding. A silent, never spoken about understanding that this thing between them is nothing, and they’re going to pretend it doesn’t exist.
Of course, it’s just like Oikawa to change the game and leave Tobio wondering what comes next.
(I am WEAK for soulmate fics between these two, I don't even really like soulmate fics half the times what is WRONG WITH ME-)(Please suffer with me, I'm begging you. Its a good fic, thumbs up.)
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[Crossover]
Honey and Magic by JustARatherVerySillyWriter, White_Squirrel for Super Carlin Brothers
Fandoms: Matilda (yeah you read that right), Harry Potter
Everyone knew Matilda was a rather extraordinary child, but even she didn't know she was a witch. Matilda Honey receives her Hogwarts letter in the year of the Triwizard Tournament, and soon, she will leave her unique mark on the magical world.
(Do I even need to explain how amazing it is to have Matilda in the wizarding world? And Matilda is a HUFFLEPUFF AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL THIS FIC IS GREAT PLEASE READ!!!)
An Eye for an Eye by DpsMercy
Fandoms: The Magnus Archives, Welcome to Night Vale
In which Jonathan Sims is not from the UK but instead, if you took his origins and turned them sideways twice then flipped them over, he technically would be from the US, the town of Night Vale specifically. Elias can’t do shit about it and gets a headache and slowly creeping madness instead.
(Look, I know probably everyone has read this because if they haven't, what have you been DOING with your lives??? Jon interning at Night Vale is Incredible, nothing phases this man, it's Delightful. I laughed so many times reading this, I'm not even kidding right now. Read or perish.)
The Favour by R_Cookie
Fandoms: Harry Potter, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Ship: Original Percival Graves/Harry Potter
Percival is ten years old when his grandfather tries to tell him that he's ensured the greatness of the Graves legacy for him, that he ought to be eternally grateful - but the explanation is hijacked by a stranger who manages to intimidate Chester Graves with an ease never seen before.
or: Hadrian (Harry) Potter is the Master of Death, who grants Graves a boon. Nobody could have known that the Deathly Hallows didn't turn you so much into the 'Master of Death' as into the anthropomorphic personification of Death. And so, Death becomes Percival's guardian angel, and Percival does not spit out his cereal.
(Look, I don't know how I stumbled back into the FBAWTFT fandom either, it just happened and I'm grateful for that. Otherwise, I wouldn't have found this amazing fic. Their relationship is slow and strange and I just love how Percival is characterized here. Also, one of the tag promises that it deviates from canon so I am really, really excited for that! XD)
baby that's what i do by natanije
Fandoms: Naruto, Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
"Are you telling me," Hidan exclaims, incredulous, "that you collect money all this time to give to orphans?!"
Kakuzu pauses. He blinks a few times.
"Huh. I guess I do."
(Tsuna reincarnates as Kakuzu and it's HILARIOUS. HE'S SUCH A MOM HAHAHA)
#Fanfiction#AO3#Fic Rec#Fic Rec List#Podcasts#The Magnus Archives#Supernatural#Avatar The Last Airbender#Naruto#The Magicians#Game of Thrones#Haikyuu!!#Crossover#Matilda#Welcome to Night Vale#Harry Potter#Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them#Katekyou Hitman Reborn
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Aeryn! I was wondering what your thoughts are about Sir Din teaching his lady seamstress how to ride his steed all on her own? He, of course, has ridden with her on his big warhorse but I can see him wanting to know how to on her own as well? 🥺
Heather!! You have me so soft rn omg. Of course you can have some Knight!Din teaching reader horseback riding! This ended up way longer than I expected so I apologize lol. I hope you enjoy!
Lessons
Knight!Din Djarin x Reader
Warnings: None
Word Count: 1.8k
“Is this truly necessary?”
Your voice is higher than usual, and an edge of uncertainty can be heard in your words as you stare up the massive steed before you. Din was visiting you again, and he had taken you out into the pastures that lay around the village, after telling you to change into trousers and a shirt instead of your usual dress. After walking you out into the vast fields, his large stallion trailing alongside you both, he finally explained that he wanted to teach you to ride.
His eyes soften at your words, and he feels his resolve crumble slightly as a dejected look crosses his features, “I will not force you to do something you don’t want to do,” he says, voice reassuring but his body language portrayed his disappointment.
You sigh. You didn’t mean to make him feel bad or make him feel that he was forcing you into something. You are just unsure, never having ridden a horse before. You and your father never could afford to buy and keep a horse, so you mainly hired the local carriages to get to and from the palace. Plus, you were the one to bring up the fact that you didn’t know how to ride a horse to Din the last time he escorted you home. You had ridden his stallion plenty of times, but you’ve never been the one in control.
You reach out to Din, taking his hand in your own and giving it a gentle squeeze, “I’ll give it a try,” you say quietly, “So long as you promise not to laugh at my terrible attempts.”
His demeanor changes significantly at your words, and he brightens instantly, eyes sparkling as a wide smile splits his lips, “I promise I won’t laugh,” he assures you, coming closer in order to begin walking you through the process, “Ca’tra and I won’t let anything happen to you.”
You smile at his assurances and follow his instructions to mount the horse.
* * *
Din is a patient teacher, all gentle words and kind encouragement as he showed you the basics of controlling and riding a horse. Once you were seated in the saddle, Din came over to your side and handed you the reins.
“You don’t need to do anything with them right now since you are sitting still,” he informs you, “But if he does start to move when you don’t want him to, just tug back on the reins to get him to stop. Not too hard though.”
You nod, holding the leather between your hands as Din brings his hand down to where your feet are placed in the stirrups, “Slide your feet more forward in the stirrups,” he tells you, sliding your one foot for you while you adjust the other, “Having them pressed back against the heel of your boot gives you more control. And push your toes forward slightly so they dip towards the ground slightly –“ you do as you’re instructed, “Perfect! That way you’re less likely to slip out.”
You listen with rapt attention as Din walks around you and Ca’tra, adjusting little things here and there, all while telling you why he’s doing what he’s doing. Finally, he attaches a long length of rope to Ca’tra’s bridle, and looks up at you.
“Okay, now that you’re seated correctly, it’s time to actually ride,” he informs you, “I have a rope attached to Ca’tra, so if something goes wrong, I’ll be able to intervene. I won’t ;et anything happen to you, mesh’la.” His voice is soft as he speaks the last words, his hand reaching up squeeze yours in a comforting manner.
“I trust you Din,” you tell him sincerely, giving him a small smile, encouraging him to continue. He beams back at you and a look of pride crosses his features before he continues his instruction.
“Now, when you’re riding, you want to have one side of the rein in each hand, tucking it between your thumb and the rest of your fingers,” he tells you, reaching up to adjust your grip and moving away once he’s satisfied, “The rest of the work is very simple,” he tells you, “Once Ca’tra is moving, you only have to pull on the rein in you right hand to make him turn right, and the rein in your left hand to turn left. Don’t pull to hard or fast, just gentle and steady pull will get him to move. The further you pull the rein back towards you the sharper he will turn.”
“How do I stop?” you ask, gripping the reins in your hands.
Din smiles and makes a pulling action with both hands, “To tell him to stop, you just pull back on the reins all at once, and say ‘woah’,” he explains, “again, the harder you pull the harder he is going to stop, so just remember, slow and gentle movements.”
You nod, worrying your lower lip between your teeth, as Ca’tra shift beneath you, clearly antsy and ready to move after being in a stagnant position for so long, “How do I get him to start moving?”
Din clicks his tongue twice and Ca’tra moves instantly, making you lurch backwards at the unexpected movement. You gasp and regain your balance hands wrapped tightly around the reins in an attempt to gain some kind of control. Din slowly lets the lead rope out the further you get before calling out and instructing you to turn to the right. You do as your told, and tug on the portion of the rein in your right hand, surprised when Ca’tra turns in the correct direction with almost no pressure on your part.
Din leads you in a large circle for some time, letting you get used to the feeling of being on horse back by yourself. This goes on for some time before he switches the direction you’re going and then he’s taking the lead rope off al together, letting you go which ever direction you please. From there he teaches you how to instruct Ca’tra to speed up with just a nudge of your heel into his side. From this moment, you decide that maybe riding a horse isn’t so bad after all.
* * *
Joyous laughter that escapes your lungs as you canter through the pasture. You realize now why Din loves riding the powerful beast so much. While the stallion’s size had intimidated you at first, you had soon realized that the tall and powerful build made for a very smooth riding experience. He was able to carry you with almost no effort at all as you raced through the grass back towards Din who was watching on in proud admiration. You had picked up the lessons quickly, and once you became more confident, he had encouraged you to go as fast as you were comfortable with. Something that you had done with pleasure as you turned and proceeded into a fast canter with Ca’tra, before turning around and returning to Din’s side.
He watches as you approach him, your face flushed from the wind hitting your skin and hair unruly. But most importantly, he notices the bright smile on your face as you look down at him.
“That was so fun!” you exclaim, “I can’t believe I’ve gone my whole life without experiencing this,” you lament, looking down as you slip your feet from the stirrups to dismount the steed. However, Din realized he never taught you how to properly get off the horse, and he realized this just a little too late. He watched as you misplaced your foot, still excitedly rambling about the ride.
“That was by far one of the best –“
Just as he anticipated, and before he could stop it, your foot twisted in the stirrup and you cam tumbling down from the steed, a surprised yelp slipping past your lips. but before your body could meet the hard ground, Din had lunged forward catching you in his arms as he reached around and untangled your foot from the saddle. Once you were standing up right, you realized how close you and Din were, his lack of armor making the closeness even more apparent. You looked up at him, face burning at the close proximity. Din still didn’t move away, his arms still wrapped around your waist as he gazed at you. you both took this moment that seemed frozen in time to look at each other for what felt like the first time. Being this close, you could see the small scar across the bridge of his nose and the barely there wrinkles between his brows. And Din could take in the color of your eyes, more vibrant in the sunlight, and the slope of your lips as the pulled upward in a reverent smile. Your eyes danced across his face before landing on his own eyes, watching as they flit from your lips back up to meet your gaze. You watch as he dips his head, towards yours, his lips just brushing over yours. Blood is rushing in your ears, your heart pounding against your rib cage, before seeming to jump right out of your chest at the loud and high-pitched whine from Ca’tra.
You and Din all but leap away from each other, your ears burning as you watch Din walk over to sooth his companion.
He sighs, glancing over to you before stroking Ca’tra’s snout affectionately, “He must have gotten spooked by something,” he explains simply, a blush of his own adorning his cheek.
You nod slowly, “Thank you for teaching me Din,” you tell him, walking over and giving Ca’tra a loving pat to the side, “You and Ca’tra treated me well.”
He smiles at you, “It was my pleasure.”
You and Din stay where you are for a few moments, a comfortable silence filling the space between you as you both run your hands over Ca’tra’s inky black coat. You only separate when realize how late it’s getting.
“I should be getting home,” you tell Din, looking past him to your small home in the village, “Father will be worried if I stay much longer.”
Din nods, and takes your hand In his own, bringing it up to press his lips to your knuckles, “Goodnight, my lady,” he says gently dropping your hand back to your side.
You give him a smile, “Goodnight Din,” you say, walking past him before turning and giving him a small wave and continuing to the village.
Din watches you go, a completely love struck look on his face and a warmth in his heart. However, his lips fall into a scowl as he turns to face his steed, “Traitor,” he mutters to his horse, before walking to his side and swing himself into the saddle to head back to the palace.
Translations:
Mesh’la - Beautiful
Ca’tra - Night Sky
Tags:
Permanent Taglist: @petalduck @sebastianstanslefteyebrow @stillreadingfantasy @pedrosdoll @simonsbluee @justlovetoreadfics @discogrrl @maryan028 @asaucecoveredsomething @hiscyarika @abitofmagic @hail-doodles @murdermewithbooks @getinthepoolkeanu @ah-callie @adikaofmandalore @fleurdemiel145 @fioccodineveautunnale @harrypotter-life2 @mandalorian-theway @spxcedxdddy @dizzydazed @readsalot73 @wickedfrsgrl @blushingwueen @keithseabrook27 @gooddaykate @wattpad-reads @mistermiraclee @stilllivindue2spite @agentpike @theocatkov @roxypeanut @cyaredindjarin @phoenixhalliwell @cryptkeepersoul @duska-bluemountain @hopplessdreamer @ahopelessromanticwritersworld @oloreaa @jaime1110 @corrupt-fvcker @starlite41 @seasonschange-butpeopledont @paintballkid711 @ntlmundy @mxndoscyarika @edencherries @lovinglokiforever @eternallyvenus
Pedro Characters Tag: @lustriix @yeah-boiiiiiiiiiii @longitud-de-onda @jellyfishpoptart @pascalisthepunkest @24kgoldentip @kaelyn-lobrutto24 @mrsparknuts @yabby-girl @mybarnesmyhero @sarcastic-space-gal @your-pixels-are-showing @demigod-dragonrider-schoolidol @thottiewinemom @sunflqwr @ezraslittleblondestreak @scribbledghost @shayna-winchester @mrpascals @agingerindenial @seasonschange-butpeopledont @ezrasarm @promiscuoussatan
Din Djarin tag: @igotmadskills @jeepangel @ja9erz @stubbychaos @maybege @hdlynn @ihascat5 @a-keyth16 @witching-wilds @godhateskyleigh @bisexual-space-slut @nuvoleincielo @cross-poison @xjustmenobodyelse @maharani-radha @princessxkenobi
#pedro pascal x reader#din djarin x reader#the mandalorian x reader#knight Din AU#Knight Din x reader#The mandalorian#pedro pascal
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11, 17, 38 and 48?
11. What album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then?
Lover and Fine Line are my most listened to albums that came out this year, and I’ve had Bloom and Beach House on heavy rotation too but they came out before 2019
17. Did you make any big permanent changes this year?
No, actually. This year has been frustratingly stagnant but I’ve made some decisions that will hopefully lead to big changes next year!
38. What was the best moment of the year for you?
Being front row for Janelle Monae at Glastonbury as she climbed out into the audience was genuinely a life changing moment, particularly because I’d just fulfilled a lifelong dream of being front row for Vampire Weekend too! Also discovering the lazy river bit of the thermal baths at Szchenyi in Budapest will go down as one of the best moments of my life tbh I’ve never had that much fun. Also the entirety of my Copenhagen weekend. Oh and beating that escape room in half an hour last week was amazing. And Riot in Dublin too? Okay there’s been a lot of amazing moments I can’t choose bc also feeling that I was part of an iconic moment in history at Stormzy on Friday night in Glastonbury was so special too
48. If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do? Who would you go this?
I’d go to New York with whoever wanted to go with me (Becks or Sarah most likely) and see all the beauty there and a couple of shows and just bask in the Christmas sparkle because everyone I know seems to be there rn and I’m jealous
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okay like if we really REALLY wanna vibe together?? we gotta kinda work around the fact that there’s gonna be a part of me that has completely disappeared and will never come back. we gotta accept the fact that i’m gonna resent some people n be perpetually angry over some shit that shouldn’t have happened lol.
like yea ik it doesnt really fucking matter atm, nothing really does anymore, every1 has moved on and so did i, but that’s like as my therapist called it some permanent changes to personality after something v turbulent. like it’s hard to deal w it and im trying my fucking best. it means changes in the ways i deal w people and on god i really hope it’s for the better bc who knows what i’d regress into if shit hits the fan once again.
so like as mindfulness calls it, let these thoughts pass w/o judgement lol, and it’s hard as fuck to do that at first, sometimes there are still storms in my head that just seem to never clear away, there are people i obsess over that makes me miserable and toxic, there are threads of interpersonal relationships/social cues that i seek out knowing fully well that it’s going to hurt me.
the important thing is that im fucking trying mate, it’s funny how one night can make me lose my shit so hard that it takes months and so much more mental struggling to recover from. ive gotten fucked up, drunk off my ass, watched my co-workers snort cocaine in front of me as i felt loneliness as if it was going to crush me completely. ive stumbled back home by myself hungover at 3am and got ready for work the next morning. ive cried so fucking hard that i had to take twice the recommended painkiller just so i can think straight that night.
ive also made amazing new friends, started to work out daily, and sent myself back to therapy. i almost bought a fucking house and found my own closure. i’ve watched people expose the ugliest side of modern greed as they slam 4k worth of cash in front of my poker table at 3 in the morning, but i’ve also watched the sun rise over the inner city river while walking home feeling like im so far ahead from where i used to be.
6 months was all that it took to thrust me into a completely different period of my life and it is insane, it is almost mind-boggling how fast ive just changed. if it wasn’t for the utterly unhinged development that came with the pull of the trigger i think i’d still be as stagnant and bored as i used to be. it is so painful, it was the worst kind of loss ive felt, but with it came the most reflection and growth ive had the privilege to experience.
although ive skipped all my classes this semester and currently stood down bc of covid-19 i dont really feel like ive lost everything. i think ive learned far more from my experience than anything material that i can possibly have rn.
and if we were gonna vibe with that we gotta see and understand that it’s a part of me now, the changes are way too much for it to be subtle, people are going to notice, i cant do shit to change that and i wont try this time either. if we vibe we vibe, everyone’s welcomed, it’s just a matter if people take that invitation.
#really be in my feels tonite but!!! itsa nice kind of sadness#its like#everything's ending and idc lol#everything's different and for once im genuinely okay with it#its kinda fucked up of me to be like this but like#who isnt fucked up in their own way lmaoooo#shut up yuu
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Sgdhbdjfkl ignore if u want but I love the idea of newt leaving inappropriate sticky note messages on Hermanns desk, and Hermann scrambling to hide them before someone sees
I LOVE IT TOO.....im writing this if you dont mind....i have a 15 pg paper to write that i really do not want to write. sfw up until like....the end....nothing happens besides kissin, only alluded to in note form, but....
It starts innocuously enough. Inconsequential, even. Newton is called away last-minute from the Shatterdome to see to outside business (confusion over sample shipments, a mix-up in addresses, somehow) and, in lieu of an email or text, Newton leaves Hermann a small sticky-note on his chalkboard explaining that he’ll be out for the day and Hermann should not expect him.
See you at dinner, he ends it. ❤ Newt
The small heart makes Hermann’s heart thud oddly in his chest; he finds an ancient lidless tea-tin jumbled in with Newton’s snacks and ramen packets in their small kitchenette, disposes of the single remaining teabag, and hides the note in the tin (and then the tin in his desk) for reasons he can’t quite bring himself to admit to.
(❤ Newt. Hermann likes the look of that heart.)
Newton continues leaving notes, and Herman’s hoard grows over the next few months: getting takeout at that place you like bringing you back dumplings ❤ newt, borrowed your coat will return it! ❤ newt, mess hall at 4? in deployment bay rn ❤ newt. All equally innocuous. All equally unimportant. But only the ones that end with that little scribbled heart, not the -newts, not the -ns, not the tiny doodled lizard in glasses and a tie. Only ❤.
“Can I borrow a pen?” Newt asks one day, shaking and frowning at his own. “Mine’s dead.”
It’s paperwork day, specifically supply request day--Hermann’s filling out forms for the usual (chalk, instant coffee, graph paper), Newton’s trying his (poor) luck at an espresso machine and a toaster oven once more--so Hermann is mildly distracted when he grunts out his consent. “Desk.”
Newton crouches down next to him and selects a drawer at random; Hermann realizes his mistake a moment too late when Newton suddenly whistles and says “Dude.”
He’s holding out the tea tin. Hermann’s folded all of Newton’s notes, but even without Newton’s handwriting being visible, there’s no mistaking what they are: Newton’s personal use sticky notes are lime green and shaped like small dinosaurs. Hermann drops his pen and makes a grab for the tin, blanching horribly, but Newton dodges him and brandishes one of the notes in his face. ❤ Newt. “Dude!” Newton repeats. “You saved all these?”
“Er,” Hermann says. His face burns
“Why?” Newton says. He’s started picking through them. He’s sure to notice soon, that Hermann’s only saved the ones bearing Newton’s--well--love sounds pathetic. Affection, maybe. “They’re just...” He shrugs and grins at Hermann, a little bewildered.
“Give them back,” Hermann says, desperation obvious, and swiping for them again unsuccessfully. “Newton, please, give them back to me now.”
Newton’s finished going through them all. He stares up at Hermann, expression unreadable. His grin’s faded. “Hermann,” he says, the last one he’d posted up--will clean dirty dishes tomorrow dw!!!!! ❤ newt--clenched tight in his fist. “These--do you--?”
(You’re the one who signed the bloody hearts in the first place, Hermann wants to say.) He opens his mouth to speak. To think of some excuse.
Newton pulls him down by the lapels of his blazer and kisses him.
The notes migrate to other places in the lab, after that, become far more personal. your hair is getting long, Newton sticks in a container of chalk, it’s really cute. i like that sweater on his mug. let me take you out on friday? 9? on more paperwork. One afternoon, just a doodle of them kissing stuck to the tray of lunch Newton leaves on his desk. Newton drops the ❤ newt, but Hermann stashes them all in the little tin anyway. (Newton watches from afar with a sweet, dopey smile on his face each time, one Hermann’s certain he doesn’t know Hermann can see.)
Then they get less innocuous.
stop by my room later ;)))) posted to the uppermost part of the chalkboard. Graphic descriptions of just how much Newton enjoyed himself during their (wildly successfully) liaison the morning after. An appreciative comment on how Hermann’s trousers cling to his front today, exactly what Newton is fantasizing about at any given moment (dropping to his knees in front of the chalkboard, criminally misusing the emergency shower, spreading himself out over Hermann’s desk, spreading Hermann out over Hermann’s desk, exactly how he’d like to take Hermann apart with his tongue and two single fingers), a list of suggestions for what Hermann can do with Newton’s tie, speculations as to whether or not anyone’s seen Newton’s latest hickeys/limp/bruises and has discerned exactly what he and Hermann get up to after hours (everyone would be so jealous if they knew what a beast you are in the sack). Today’s is particularly graphic, and pasted dead-center on his desk, too: when we’re finished today i’m going to ride you and then flip you over and--
“Dr. Gottlieb?” a j-tech says, and Hermann snaps straight up.
“Yes?” he says, hoping his blush isn’t too obvious.
The j-tech had been lingering in the doorway for God-knows how long, but now he hurries forward, a clipboard in hand. “I was hoping you could look over some of these stats for us,” he says, and Hermann pushes his glasses up and nods, red-faced and flustered. An hour until he can go home to Newton--who’s left the lab suspiciously early--and Newton can make good on his promises. An hour, an hour--he’s scanning through the sheets, half-distracted by thoughts of Newton (what is Newton doing now? readying himself for Hermann? showering? undressing? touching himself impatiently, thinking of Hermann, waiting for Hermann, breathing out Hermann’s name softly, sweetly into his pillow), when he realizes he’s forgotten to cover up Newton’s note. One single glance to the left, and the j-tech is suddenly privy to Hermann’s entire, newly discovered, sex life.
Put simply: Hermann panics.
“I’m--er--very sorry about the mess,” Hermann says, once he finishes mopping up what he can from the poor charts with his handkerchief. He supposes he could’ve just slid his elbow over and covered up the note, but in the heat of the moment, upending an ancient and stagnant mug of coffee across his desk seemed like the most reasonable course of action. (The note is entirely unreadable now, as are most of the data the j-tech wanted his opinion on.) “Truly. Er. Muscle spasms. Very hard to control. Had them since--childhood.”
“Uh. No sweat, Doctor,” the j-tech says, taking back the soaked papers with a look of mild disgust. “I’ll just...reprint them and come back later?”
“Lovely,” Hermann says, and gives the man a curt nod. He fumbles around for his cane. “I’ll be going now. Please excuse me. I have--business to attend to.”
He hightails it out of there, but not fast enough to miss the j-tech call “Tell Dr. Geiszler I say hi!” after him, to Hermann’s sheer and utter mortification.
Newton’s on him the moment Hermann falls into his bed, though he’s tragically in pajamas and not nude as Hermann’d been hoping. (Nevertheless, in spite of the fabric barriers, Hermann wraps fingers around Newton’s pleasing rear-end and love handles anyway.) “Did you like my note?” Newton says in his ear, between teasing, biting kisses to his neck.
“You have a way with words,” Hermann says.
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this post is really long.
i can’t seem to shake this fucking sad ass
pitiful ass
woe is me ass mood i’ve been in for the past month.
i really felt like i was doing so well in January with like going to the gym and trying to be healthy and then February happened and i turned into a sad bowl of emotional yogurt. and now i’m just back to feeling stuck again. i’ve been applying for new jobs like crazy with no fucks given about what city they’re in and keeping my head down at work in order to just do what i need to do to get by. but i’m.....? really sad? and lonely???
i don’t know what it is, i’m just really so down. i keep telling myself if i can create or find some sort of change, things will be better. if i move away or get a new job or something to that effect, i’ll feel better. but i noticed that a Big Thing is that i don’t really have anything else to do in life rn except go to work and come home. my workplace is too small for me to try and make friends bc i don’t really trust anyone that i work with and it seems to be a THING that all of our part-time staff understands that full-time management is MANAGEMENT ONLY so any type close friendship with those guys gets quietly scrutinized.
i just........... need...... friends.... or a hobby.... or something....
i need a project or something else that i can put energy into and actually enjoy bc working at this job steals all of my energy and when i’m drained as soon as i leave work, it doesn’t do anything but support the feelings of lonely and sadness.
this little bout of depression could be so much darker in my opinion, like i’ve gone through more turbulent times than this but right now i just feel.... stagnant and bored and.... just exhausted. my work life and personal life balance is practically non-existent and i’ve been trying to create those boundaries more and more even going so far as to let my work phone die on weekends where i don’t work so that i can be left alone....... it’s really tough. i thought about volunteering or something but my schedule is so hectic that i basically don’t even bother. when i happen to have a day off or i get home from work i either try to run a bunch of errands or i jut do nothing because i’m so mentally and emotionally exhausted.
i also really miss Ian and he’s been crazy busy recently so i really feel like we’ve been distant and my current mental state doesn’t help at all.
honestly....??? like really honestly, i’ve considered quitting my job but i shouldn’t do anything like that at least until my lease is up. i sometimes think of it as just taking a few steps back. i’d leave my job, move back home and do something simple like work in retail until i can get my feet back on solid terrain but i know that’d just be counter productive plus there’s really no more room for me to move back in with my family anyway even if they insist that i can.
i really, really want to move out of this state and make the career switch from event work to project management. i want to eventually look into getting my project management certification and working in marketing and advertising, working on major projects and campaigns. it’s sort of like a pipe dream right now but i’m applying for jobs and junior level positions in that field. plus project management and event management aren’t really all that far off from each other so it’s not like a crazy stretch.
when i think about or talk about pursuing that type of work and my goals in that respect, i feel a little happier and i feel hopeful, so i think that’s a good sign. i’ve been obsessively applying for jobs almost every day. i have 50+ cover letters written on my desktop and that isn’t even including the ones I’ve already deleted since being turned down. this is like... the only way i can find some sort of change or relief in my life so i’m taking every wee bit of energy i still have and focusing hard on changing in that way.
i don’t think a new job will solve all my problems and i definitely think that when i first move away, it’s gonna be horrible but i at least want to give myself a chance and see what i can get into in the world. i come to the constant realization that no matter what, doing what i think is best yields the biggest reward, even if it’s a painful lesson or some awesome experience. i think i need this time in my life to be sad and feel trapped and disappointed and lonely so that i know what it feels like later in life and to never, ever let it be as big of a roadblock as it is right now. so yeah, this sucks. really bad. but it’ll get better.
i’m just not as patient as i could be.
#personal#things will get better#i know they will get better#i'm working hard towards a better solution
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Episode 5 Confessionals
aw man i was looking forward to playing with adam
im starting an alliance to get out jordan pines
Wow so a lot has happened. First and most importantly, I HAVE AN IMMUNITY IDOL???? LIKE WHOEVER AT ULTA IS MY GUARDIAN ANGEL AND DECIDED TO GIVE THAT TO ME I LITERALLY OWE MY ENTIRE LIFE TO THEM. Maybe they thought I was in danger since I wasn't at the immunity challenge? I don't know what it was but damn and I glad they're looking out for me. Jordan Pines told me that Jay is a little weary of trusting me which is like ????? i've never given him any reason not to trust me but w/ever. I lowkey think Jordan may have said the same thing to Jay about me so that he has both of us not trusting the other and only trusting him: i see you Jordan Pines!!! Also my tribe is dunb because I need to sleep soon but mone of them are talking to me in the tribe chat so it's their fault I only have 4 songs for this challenge katiecan’t believe we won when ya’ll were all struggling to figure out what songs were in that sdhljshdsd
Get shook because Jay is in a good position early for the first time in 3 seasons! Everyone on this tribe thinks I'm their best friend and I love it. The plan going forward is to work with Jordan if we lose, or if we win and swap; get Katie, Charlotte, Carson, or Zach to work with me. If we lose, I'm gonna target Ryan. I think I have a better bond with Lexi than both Jordan and Luke. So maybe I'll be able to be Lexi's lifeline after that. If for some reason we don't swap and we lose again, I'll take my shot at Pines. But that seems unlikely. Winning twice seems mostly out of the question, but I think I'm in this game for the long haul. At least I hope I am.
we keep losing. Why? I don't usually lose challenges so its very weird for me to..... lose. It's getting harder each round too, like i had no intentions of voting adam off anywhere near this early but we had to. and if we lose again.... oh boy, not gonna be fun.
Wish a host would tell me: Congratulations! You did not earn a task but you did earn an Idol Clue! The Ulta Idol is located along the river on the bottom of the map. With this clue you have earned an additional guess this round!. Instead of: Congratulations! You found a Hidden Immunity Idol! However....you found the Copa idol. You have 1 hour to decide which member of the Copa Tribe gets this idol! DSFDSFHDSJFH! But anyways now that I know that its along the river on the bottom of the map I can have a better show I guess. I think we might lose this immunity due to us not being able to be on at the same time. So... YIKES
Okay so I just was informed that I received the wishing well task! My task wasn't super bad, and I told Carson/Charlotte about it. Was that a mistake? Yes. Charlotte and I are not on best terms right now, which i'll explain in a bit. I completed the task and got the Golden Rope. I think it may be really good, and i'm excited to use it in merge phase if I make it that far. If I get eliminated, i'll likely give it to Carson. I'm hoping we win immunity again though AJSDGK The reason why Char and I aren't on good terms is because I totally flipped on our alliance and voted her out in Kuang Si (a main season) and I feel shitty but ASJDGK anyway wee woo im stressed
i kinda shock myself with how fake i can be wow. like i stayed on call for 2 hours and 3 mins for that fucking guess who challenge talking to bryce charlotte and occasionally rtp i was just like..
like i just didnt wanna be yelled at for hanging up! but we did that, and i feel like i have a PRETTY decent game rn and going to tribal would fuck it up, so ill try working my connections
im pretty sure charlotte wants zach out?? like how petty do you need to be to get so mad that u want someone out in other games bc they voted u out to further their games. like?? whatevs, her problem. zachs definitiely my closest ally and i trust him. im rlly happy he got the golden rope even though im still bitter i didnt get my reward :) also at the wishing well i got an idol clue where apparently the idol is on the bottom river which whew!! im excited. hopefully i can get the idol at least.. really hope ulta can ride this momentum to the end. OH AND ALSO BRYCE GAVE THE COPA IDOL TOL UKE BC EVERYONE WAS FIGHTING FOR LUKE TO GET IT IN OUR ALLIANCE CHAT like i dont hate luke and i wouldve preferred for jay to get it but idc.
i feel good about this immunity challenge!
okay so we lost. we didn't even take 5 minutes out of our day to think about the challenge. we're kind of a lazy tribe just tryna have a good time. lexi didn't show up and luke had to go to bed waiting for her. but... it's not her fault we never set a time. but tbh she didn't even show up until after deadline. jay and jordan said luke's name on call with me when we finished the challenge. we seemed to have a fun time on the call so maybe their telling the truth. we do have our 4 person alliance with lexi so maybe that will save us.... also where this idol @ sis
this vote is gonna be between lexi and luke and honestly some how i hope i go home. pull the trigger
Thank god, we had won. Otherwise I think I would have been going home. Bad luck comes in threes, right
Wow so we won again.. Iconic!! So hoping we don't swap any time soon basicallly. Not doing much strategic gameplay other than staying social with my 4 and still talking to those outside of it. Us not going to tribal kind of makes my strategic options stagnant or at least they do to me lol
Okay so I'm pretty obsessed with ulta. I like that everyone for the most part is around and participating in chats and challenges. We all seem to gel really well. So far I think I'm the closest with Katie. We've bonded over how challenging these games are for old people like us with full time jobs. We're thinking of recruiting charlotte for an official 3 old people alliance. Then she can pick a 4th. If I had my way, our 4th would be Carson because I'm also pretty close with him and chat with him a lot. Okay I'll post another one of these later tonight
WE WON IMMUNITY! I'm so happy just because i've been stressing not only about this game, or any other game, but life itself. It's a BLEH. But to be immune for tonight, and knowing that an upcoming swap is likely, is kind of great. I'm hoping if so, the swap ends up in my favour. Nonetheless, I am going to try to use that time (or, if no swap, the time still) to enhance my social connections with various people. I feel great with Carson (as everyone likely does...) and okay with a few others, like Willow and Bryce and... personally, even Charlotte. I spoke to Charlotte tbh about what happened, and although we couldn't go in full depth about it, I wanted to justify and apologize for what happened, and I tried to make it clear that I wasn't going to relate the two games, and she said she wouldn't either. Is that likely? Maybe not. I will respect her decision though. ARGH GO ULTA TEAM WOO
So I'm telling Jordan and Jay about my idol because I really think it's going to help us in the upcoming vote. Right now as it stands, Ryan and Lexi are going to be voting for me and Jay/Jordan and myself would be voting for Ryan. However, that would leave one very pissed off and lonely Lexi without an ally. If we swapped or merged then Lexi would without a doubt flip on us and we would be screwed. If I tell Jordan and Jay to vote me out along with Ryan and Lexi, I idol myself and vote out Ryan, Lexi will believe that Jordan and Jay never flipped on her and will still trust them. If we end up swapping/merging then Lexi will still trust Jordan and Jay and we have a number moving forward where we wouldn't if they straight up flipped on Lexi. I hope...I don't get screwed :)
What a suprise we lost.... again. This round is going to be interesting for sure. I think im safe but hoenstly who knows. Ryan is getting blindsided tonight in an unconventional way. We are all voting luke, luke is playing his idol... bye bye ryan. Should be fun
I've been tired and haven't put much into challenges and talked to much people bc I suck
And I need a 2nd confessional
This is the first org I've ever played where I'm like "everything seems to be going too well" so I'm probably gonna get killed as soon as merge happens. Until then, I'm enjoying the high of my tribe winning everything except one challenge
haha I outlasted adam.. yes this is old news but it still feels good!
I wasnt around for the challenge but it feel great to win again
youtube
Our tribe doesn't really talk much unless we have a challenge due. Life at Ulta is boring today. I went hunting for treasure and all I found was a seashell. It was a sad day.
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as always I’m thinking too much and need to get it out of my brain already before I explode
I really need to call the therapist tomorrow bc I just need to get perspective on this? and I don’t want to tell my friends about this anymore. I feel insufferable bringing it up w my church friends and I don’t think I can ever tell riel about this unless.. idk. even if kiba was ok w it would I tell them? it doesn’t seem like kiba told riel anything so idk
I feel bad for not really being able to be honest with riel or kiba anymore. especially riel. I feel like there was something like very open honesty when I first became friends w riel bc I was also going thru kiba problems and being able to commiserate w them about it helped. we meshed so well and then as kiba and I got closer ig I didn’t feel right about that anymore? I wanted to keep us drama free as possible but mmgh.. as always I just forgot how they have feelings too. I should know how worrisome things are if you lack information and yet I just did the same thing
and the thing is that I really want to talk about it! not the Incident but like. in general. I hope to god that riel doesn’t feel like I’m just talking to them now bc I don’t have kiba to talk to. I don’t ever want them to feel like I’m taking advantage of them. I don’t want to take advantage of anybody!! I want to be able to be honest with my friends and like. idk. share more of myself I guess. Friendship is give and take and I can’t offer to listen to anybody’s problems if I don’t make myself vulnerable either. I honestly know exactly what I need to dicuss with both of my friends. I need to talk to riel about kiba and about Us and I need to talk to kiba about just. the turmoil I’ve been going through I guess. something like that?
The things I need to talk to riel about: do they feel taken advantage of? Do they think I like kiba better than them? did they think we would get together? are they afraid they’ll get left behind? am I being a bad friend.
I always want to get closer to riel but I really do wonder if I like kiba better sometimes. liking kiba better is.. not the right way to say it tho. they just require different energies. kiba can be easier to talk to just bc he’s fun and simple while riel can get real negative sometimes. but at the same time riel’s never made me feel real uncomfortable the way kiba can sometimes. we’re on the same page more often than not about how we feel about sex and relationships and friendships and stuff and it’s fun to know how similar we are and learn how different we are as our friendship develops. I can’t rly empathize w the parts of them that are suffering but I still want to be someone they can lean on for support. I want to be friends w them still and idk how it’s going to go if I eventually stop being friends w kiba bc of what happened. I don’t know how nervous they might feel about the fact that we’re taking a break or if they’re wondering about it at all. Somehow I don’t really know how riel feels about things and I’m ?? about how I should move forward. I don’t know if the wisest thing is to tell them I might not remain friends w kiba bc like. obviously.
I’m just apprehensive because I’ve already caused some rift between riel and kiba and I don’t want to be the cause of any more. when I first became friends w them I felt so safe because I figured I wouldn’t be that important to either of them? they would be best friends w each other and I’d be someone fun they’d talk to every once in a while. I wouldn’t have to compete for anything bc there would be no competition. now I’m.. something else. maybe I’m arrogant for thinking that but still. I’m in unfamiliar territory again and I can’t say it doesn’t scare me.
I don’t want the only reason I consider riel to be out of guilt bc I think about kiba more. I want to be a better friend for them
it’s funny I should feel that same pit of the stomach feeling when they talka bout friends they’re closer to than we are but I should just see it as the friendship stability thing again right? but I’m not sure if it’s rly the same.. maybe it is
it’s funny how riel still manages to be more honest about their feelings than kiba, who’s still much more honest than I am
Things I need to talk to kiba about: god so many things. too many things. guilt. our friendship. pulling the stops if it comes down to it. my own feelings about it? whether it’s fair to either of us to continue this
I miss him but honestly like.. how much do I really? it’s no lie that a lot of stuff about him made me feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable just purely in terms of sex alone. he’s.. idk if he’s stagnant rn but he’s definitely not in a place in life where he inspires me to work harder and grow the way riel does. I don’t feel like I’m talking to someone older than I am when I talk to him sometimes. he’s just.. really childish in a lot of ways and I need him to not be that way if we’re going to continue our friendship. I need him to.. not be him?? which lmfao is something I absolutely could not ask of anybody ever. even if he got a job and a car and whatever so what. I don’t want to stay with somebody whose maturity doesn’t grow. I’m plenty impulsive myself and I don’t need someone who exacerbates that me
honestly when I think about just not being friends w him anymore I feel such a sensation of relief that it makes me really wonder if it’s worth it to go on!! like ya I’d lose a lot but really I just want to stay friends w riel. but if I ended up losing riel.. ?? but like. idk. if I started to affiliate w so and so would it just get complicated. I don’t know!!!! it just seems like a fucking shame but I also can’t hold onto anybody just because I get annoyed at the apparent one-year expiration date on my friendships
I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. with luke I felt regret but not guilt. with kiba and riel I always feel guilt. guilt, guilt, overwhelming guilt, all the fucking time and I’m sick of it! I should be friends with my friends because I like having fun with them, not because I feel some weird obligation to be a good friend for some reason or another. when the hell did I become so guilt-ridden? it’s like I’m getting eaten up from the inside by piranhas or something. I’m going to get an ulcer from all of this
so if I continue being friends w kiba I don’t want to feel guilt anymore. I don’t want to feel guilt from myself and I don’t want to feel guilt from him either. I can’t stay in a friendship that’s steeped with guilt and shame all the time anymore. it’ll just tie us together in tangled knots in the worst ways possible and I won’t have any of that in my life anymore
I don’t like the path that we’re headed down if things continue the way they do. The weird kind of emotional codependency is definitely rearing its head and we need to pull a full stop if it does. I want to be honest!! I want to tell kiba exactly how I feel and break down why there is so much of this guilt with him. I want the words to come out of my fucking mouth instead of getting stuck in there like some fish bone in my throat. I’ll let him make his own decisions about how I’ve been feeling so far and I’ll let him as his own questions
I’m still not sure if full disclosure is the best way to go about it. despite everything I just don’t want to hurt anybody. I don’t want to tell him about these toxic thoughts I’ve had and have him hate me. I don’t want to tell him how school shit is still hanging over my head because I thought I would succeed but he ruined part of it for me. the college tuition. my efforts. I didn’t fucking study for it anyway and I gave up but I whether it was of my own volition is just up in the fucking air (but not really but maybe partly) and can I forgive him?? can I remain friends w him without forgiving him?? would it be fair to either of us (read: no, esp if I TELL him I haven’t forgiven him) but what is the right answer!! I have so much bottled inside of me and I wish to god there was just a right way to do things or at the very least that I was a little more upfront and decisive instead of waffling around should I’s and should I not’s over and over again until my eyeballs bleed
I just don’t!! want to feel guilt anymore!! no more guilt no more guilt!!! there’s no way me and kiba could possibly be and item now and I just have to accept it. no more romance. no more love swirling around. this is my firm decision. I’ll tell kiba that we just cannot and that he has to move on from me. even if I think to myself “there’s no telling what the future will bring” right now, at this moment, I have to completely shut the lid on this possibility. too fucking bad, me. maybe it would have been fun to try but right now? you have to cut it out like a festering limb. I have a bad feeling about it and no matter how much it smarts it’s just what has to happen for now. I have no idea still how kiba fell in love w me in less than a year and I have no idea if he hasn’t put me on a pedestal or something. either way I don’t have a good feeling about it, I never felt 100% good about it, and the best thing to do with how we are now is to snip it off at the bud. I don’t want to think about the imbalance that we have in terms of how we feel our feelings, the imbaalnce we have in terms of sexual needs, the imbalance we have in terms of our own stability as people. it’s bad real estate and I have to make the decision to end it.
maybe I’ll feel better about just being friends if I no longer have to think about romance anymore. honestly the fucking love triangle or whatever this thing could possibility be called has been the biggest source of stress for me and I’m done with the guilt it produces like a fucked up natural resource. I’m not mining for any of this guilt anymore. it’s not fun, it’s never been fun, and I don’t know why I’ve let myself suffocate in this cave anymore. the canary died years ago and also I am that canary because I let myself keep going even tho the end evidently lead to my becoming a very dead corpse!
and I can’t really be that mad at myself. it was a learning experience to the very end and I know I’ll always be grateful to the both of them the same way I am grateful to luke. I’ve never experienced people’s feelings like this before and it’s been invaluable to learn so much no matter how it might end. maybe love isn’t an impossibility for me but this flavor is something I don’t want to pursue anymore. it’s chaining us down and I would like nothing more than to free us, myself included. and at least if I take this step I’ll be guilt free!! like there will be no reason for me to stress out about it anymore bc at that point it won’t be my responsibility anymore. all I can do is keep myself unchained and I can’t do anything about what they ultimately decide to do themselves.
I’ve been so uncertain about what to do that making the decision to end this is. I’m not sure if I can call it a relief yet. there’s still an inkling of something but like I can’t bear to think about the alternative anymore. I can’t bear thinking that I’m taking advantage of kiba or riel, I can’t bear the burden of this guilt anymore, and none of this is fun! none of this is fun at all!!!
so this is it. I’m still young. whatever happens, happens. but right now all I want to do is keep my friends and have fun with them. five months is more than long enough. no matter how much I might think “who knows that the future will bring” right now, I have to end it. I already said that but I need to emphasize that to myself again. and maybe say it to kiba too. it’s an acknowledgment of the uncertain future but a firm declaration of my resolution now.
if kiba finds someone else.. I know I’ll be jealous. I always am of my friend’s other relationships. I end up wanting to be the most important, more special. it’s the ugliest part of me, the part of me that wants the deepest affection no matter how evident it is that it’s really not the best course of action at all. so I’ll just get over it like an adult. kiba’s already had his hookup with someone else and no matter how I felt about it then, I have to get over it now. A long time ago I might have wanted to have fun w him but now that’s not an option anymore. that’s okay. and honestly, I know feeling jealous is just normal. of course I’d feel jealous, especially with the way friendships like this have come to mean to me. but living means accepting it and moving on. I really can’t have everything. nobody can.
If we all move on I’ll feel happy for kiba and I’ll feel happy for myself. I’ll find that gratitude of mine for all the people I love in this world. no matter what happens I know I’ll love them the same way I love all the people who’ve touched my life so far. no matter how my feelings shift and change about kiba being my brother or not or whatever, I’ll still have that love of mine
and that’s how I want to feel!! I want to think of nothing but the warmest love when I think of my friends. I want to love riel and I want to love kiba and I want to tell them that freely. I want to hold that love in my heart always instead of this guilt that festers like an infection inside of my ribs. These friendships can’t continue if guilt is the main thing I feel from them.
I hope to god that I don’t lose whatever feelings I’m having rn when I wake up tomorrow because despite feelings like an idiot for so long I feel slightly less without direction than I did just a few moments ago. I’ve picked a direction and now I need to walk it no matter what happens. there’s no way to pick a “right” direction anyway, so I need to pick the one that makes me feel better in the end.
I’m still not sure how my friendship w kiba will pan out. maybe this is something I have to consider again now that I’ve chosen a Path. I should talk to him about this guilt I’m feeling and the reason why I’m putting an end to the romantic stuff between us. the guilt is because I felt like I was taking advantage of him, because sometimes I felt like taking advantage of him, and feelings like that scared me. knowing how differently we feel things scared me. none of this felt fair to him but also me from the very beginning. should I talk to him about riel? it still doesn’t feel right to just talk about it so I’ll ask riel if it’s okay first. open communication is important! so maybe I’ll talk to riel first and then I’ll talk to kiba this weekend? as soon as possible either way, so I don’t lose my grip on my decision to End things
I still need to decide how much I’m going to tell. I can’t let “how much is appropriate to tell” to be the main thought in my head anymore because I’ll never come to a decision if I do. I have to decide what info I’m going to say and stick by it.
everything up until now has happened bc I was too fucking pussy to talk to it w kiba or riel and honestly? no matter how much the incident fucked me up thank fucking god that one thing good (or at least PRACTICAL) is coming out of it. fucking silver lining!! there’s the silver string I’m so good at finding
god I can’t wait to get this chapter of our lives done and over with already. there will always be new problems as I learn more about people and break out of this naive shell I live in but I’m ready to stop shriveling in one continuous problem like some fucked up pickle. what a relief? is it a relief yet. only time will tell. but Knowing that I’ve picked a direction for myself feels so much more practical than torturing myself with uncertainty
I still have that glaring hole of non-resolution. am I going to keep being friends w kiba when I haven’t forgiven him yet. money is still a big deal. it’s kind of a big deal that I want to just not want to be friends w him anymore. honestly it’s the same deal where I just need to make a fucking decision.
if I decide not to be friends with him anymore it’s definitely something I will have to talk to riel about. I’d tell riel that if kiba want to tell them what happened then they can ask him. I’m not sure if we could rly remain friends like the way they can perhaps remain friends w kiba but that’s rly not up to me to presume. whether I’m right or wrong isn’t my responsibility. I would just ask them to decide if they want to continue being friends with me. it doesn’t feel fair to put this burden on them but I don’t see what else I could do without falling into the pit of feelings responsible for other people again.
and that’s the thing. I feel responsible for kiba’s family etc again and that’s the biggest thing that’s tripping me up. which is ridiculous? I don’t have any obligation towards anyone and he doesn’t have any obligation towards me. no matter how much fun we might have had, if it’s not fun anymore then it’s just not fun anymore. I could just keep the break longer but that’d just be the last five months all over again.
I don’t. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be friends anymore. I want to stay friends but I want to not be friends more than I want to be friends. this sucks!!! I wanted things to work out but if my college tuition wasn’t such a fucking issue I wouldn’t be going thru the turmoil that I am right now.
maybe what I need to do first is sit my mom down first and tell her the truth of what happened. it’s been a long time coming anyway. I need to tell her what happened to her money, if we’ll be okay, everything. there’s really no other way for it. even if it ends up being okay will I be able to forgive him?
I think I’m approaching this the wrong way tho. I keep asking myself if I can forgive him like I’m trying to force it so I can just make it okay for us to be friends again. I need to stop asking myself that. first I need to resolve this with my mom and see if she forgives me. this whole money issue is something I have to work out in myself.
this is something I’ve been wondering so long if it’s the best idea to bring up with kiba. it’s a lot of money and I wouldn’t want anybody to have that hanging over their head. I said no guilt!! but isn’t it like lying if I keep this from him. this is ultimately.. something I very much want to talk to a therapist about so I’ll save it in the questions vault.
so, new resolution: talk to mom first, then maybe riel if the time allows for it. call the therapist. schedule an appointment, talk about it maybe once or twice. and get straight to the point too, so I don’t waste any time. no matter what happens, overall I’ve decided to cut out all romantics out of this group dynamic. I’ve decided on it and I’m going to stick by it. I’ll be less flirtatious or however I come off as if required but when it comes down to it I am cutting it out of my life.
things will alsways change. things will pass and things will come into being and no matter what I’ll always learn from it. I’ve been cut off before, this time I might have to learn to do the same. who knows. at least there will be some sort of closure. none of us have any obligation to each other and I want them to be selfish too. I want kiba and riel for the both of them to take care of themselves. I want to take care of myself. I want to lear. I want to grow. I want to be ok
and I will be. I’ll be fine. everything’s going to be okay in the end. I’ve still got my love for the world and I’m not going to lose it.
I hope everything’s going to be ok? everything’s gonna be ok!! it’ll be fine. snzzzz.
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Weighing Beginnings
Marianne & Kim asked: What are the difficulties and advantages of beginning again?
Leaving your comfort zone and dealing with changes are the hardest. The fruits of these sacrifices, though, usually make all the bother worth it.—Kim, 28, beginner
I'm scared of feeling uncomfortable, but at the same time, starting over excites me. It makes me feel as if there is no such thing as starting late.—Marianne, 27, Ravenclaw
Every ending starts with a beginning. It's sometimes difficult to let go of something that you're used to, to find your footing again. On the other hand, it is refreshing to begin with a clean slate, to be able to pour yourself anew into something.—Keshia, 28 going on 45
Starting all over again lets you rethink and avoid the mistakes you've done in the past. We can think about the time being wasted, but wouldn't you waste more time if you continue on something that's poorly done?—Hazel, 28, 5′2″
One difficulty is to start over from scratch, be it a job or perhaps a new course to learn. It’s a risk, but it will last for a short while because once you’ve embraced your new situation or position in your life, you will build something new again in the long run. One advantage of starting over is you get to learn something not only about yourself but also in life. What I mean is that you took the risk of venturing into the unknown to start over, and once you’re finally settled in that new place or situation, you will learn that you’re capable and resilient, and you’ve also acquired new skills along the way.—Rob, 25, writer and budding cinephile
It was never easy leaving something or someone behind and that’s the most difficult thing about resetting. You have to step out of your comfort zone and pave a new road with new people, new soundtrack, new priority, new outlook. At first, that road will be a lonely road, but sooner or later, you'll meet new people along the way who will tell you their own story of beginning. You will experience things that you never would have experienced had you not decided to move forward. And you will live life, without fear and regrets.—Niña, 27, single mom
Beginning again gives us another chance to improve ourselves and be a blessing to others. Leaving our comfort zone could be one difficulty of starting again, but it shouldn’t be the main reason why we should hold back. I believe that as we commit everything to our Lord, we trust and believe that He will make our plans succeed.—Alyssa, 27, RN, MNL-MEL
I'm thirty years old. I don't really know how or where I should start again. I've been a housewife for almost three years now. I don't know how to socialize that much anymore. I'm a little scared now, but I think my advantage is I'm more mature, more punctual, and more hardworking than I ever was. I know with hard work and positive thinking, I can start again.—Sasa, 30, housewife
I think one of the difficulties would be letting go of the attachment with people, work, or any relationship you have built. It is like disconnecting yourself from someone or something that’s been with you for a long time. Starting over again would be difficult, especially if you are already used to it, and it is part of your daily routine. The advantage would be you get to see the other side of things. You expose yourself to new things, as well as gain a different perspective. Sometimes, starting again means giving yourself another shot or a clean slate to make things right.—Faye, 25, aspiring photographer/singer
Beginning again is very tough probably because of the adjustment stage. You get to have this certain self-doubt. You would probably often utter the words "what if" or "what could have been." What if you fail? Or what could have happened if you didn't begin again? It's very hard to start all over again. Depression and anxiety may come with it too. These, or probably more, encounters and emotions make it hard for a person to start or begin another chapter in their life. On the other hand, starting a new chapter in our life is not always a bad thing. It has its advantages. These are new opportunities, a new start, a new and better version of a person. We can never know what's on the other side if we just keep ourself stagnant. Let's learn how to go out of our shell and come out of our comfort zone. Let's experience life and not live in a box full of fears and self-doubt. We are all born for a purpose. All we have to do is search for it. Search it with all our heart, mind, and soul. We should have a positive outlook in life. Learn how to take a leap of faith. You will never know whether the grass is greener on the other side unless you go there and find out. Ergo, beginning again makes a person confident, stronger, wiser, and optimistic.—Criselda, 28, future lawyer and model
I always look forward to new beginnings. However, I don't always like it when something has come to an end. I admit that I take some time to process things. I think one of the difficulties of beginning again is putting an end to something that I have been doing for a period of time. It is a bit difficult, but I also have to accept it and move on. The best thing about the end of something is the new beginning. I look forward to learning new things and meeting new people. A new beginning is also an opportunity for me to do better things and be a better person. There is also that excitement for new things to come.—Dada, 22, nap enthusiast
Perhaps the biggest difficulty is moving on and letting go of what had just ended. Then again, without an end, there won’t be a beginning! The start of every journey and challenge is always rocky, but I find that they can not only be exciting but can also serve as great opportunities for learning. As a person, I value and look forward to every learning experience that the Lord hands me, as it molds me into a different, better, and stronger person. If you must know, version 4.2.6 Mae is doing quite well, thank you very much!—Mae, 28, work-at-home momma
First is convincing yourself that you have to go out of your comfort zone, and second is dealing with the idea that you may, and probably will, have to build things from the ground up . . . again. But there will always be the motivation and the feeling of excitement (with a hint of nervousness) as you take on something new.—Andrew, 22, aspiring driver and globe trekker
The biggest difficulty people face with beginnings is not the uncertainty of the unknown but rather the lack of courage to face the unknown. And for good measure. There're multiple reasons why people don't go out of their comfort zones, why they don’t tread the path less taken. Cliches, sure, but I answer with another quote: "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear" (Ambrose Redmoon).—Paulo, soon-to-be conqueror of Berseria and Nioh
I think the only difficult thing in beginning again is not tangible. It’s difficult to have to battle with your own mind. One may feel fear or uncertainty that can be enough to stop someone from doing anything. I believe it’s so easy to just stay with the common or what is familiar, and one can never actually “begin again” because of this. Moreover, the term “beginning again” seems like such a daunting task. It implies that one has to do something extravagant to be considered as actually beginning again. Beginning also connotes one has to start over by forgetting what was in the past and creating a clean slate, as if it were a final act. This is the normal idea of it, and it is kind of too much to handle for most. However, once one can hurdle over all the fears and doubts, they’ve allowed themselves to change for the better. The once flickering light inside will, with all certainty, be strong and bright. That is the advantage I can see here. It’s progressive and a feel-good type of thing. And isn’t that what beginning again should be like? It should make you feel as if everything you’re doing, no matter how big or small, is therapeutic for you. It’s a process, not an immediate act. People can begin again countless of times. The most important thing here is they’re doing it to achieve the best version of themselves.—Jean, 23, boggartsinthewardrobe.wordpress.com
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