Mmm, I don't wanna shut you out
I don't wanna rush around or slow down
This time, I wanna stay right here
I wanna make it crystal clear
That I won't give in to the fear
"Crystal Clear" Verse 1
In 2020 when Hayley Williams released "Petals for Armor" I was not in the headspace to listen, and appreciate the album. I was broken-hearted, had canceled my wedding three months prior. I was not in a place to acknowledge my emotions. I wanted to have no emotions. At that time, the only song from the album I listened to was "Simmer."
Until recently.
On June 10, 2023 I attended Paramore's concert in Columbus, OH. Hayley Williams beautifully performed "Crystal Clear." Later that week I decided to listen to it again, and really hear the lyrics of the song.
I cried, and I cried. And I listened again, and again.
This was a song that so closely described the emotions, and feelings that I have experienced surrounding reconnecting, and now dating my boyfriend, Nick.
At the beginning of Nick and I's relationship, my therapist spoke with me about treating people like you intend for them to stay. This is something for the last year and a half that I have worked towards. You want people to stay, so you treat them like they will.
The opening lyrics echoed this for me.
The second verse of the song creates a strong emotion of grief, and relief for me.
Paramore has a song from their 2017 album, After Laughter, titled "Pool." Which is an album, and specifically a song that carried me through the hardest times of my past relationship. The lyrics describe drowning in a relationship, and choosing to give the relationship a second chance for the sake of not giving up.
For me, the second verse of "Crystal Clear" connects to "Pool"
In "Pool" they melodically sing,
I'm underwater
No air in my lungs
My eyes are open
I'm done giving up
You are the wave
I could never tame
If I survive
I'll dive back in
"Pool" Chorus
In "Crystal Clear" Hayley Williams references diving head first into a relationship, only to be met with disappointment. And then, a friend finds her (turned to lover), and revives her. She no longer feels like she is drowning. In fact, the farther and farther deep she goes, she discovers the water is crystal clear.
This was Nick to me, and continues to be.
Diving into a relationship, and trying, and trying to make it work because you don't like giving up is a very lonely pavement to smack into. You feel like you can't breathe. You feel like you're drowning.
Nick saw that I was drowning, and brought me to life again. Like Taylor did for Hayley. (Perceived, of course).
I remember standing on the edge
Closing my eyes
Counting to three, I
Jump in with the rush in my head
Only to find, the water was concrete
And now you're pumpin' air to my lungs
This don't feel anything like sinking
In fact, no matter how deep I go
Into you it looks like the water is crystal clear
"Crystal Clear" Verse 2
This song is so deeply personal to me. It is the development of my life, in words that I could have never so beautifully crafted to describe the experience.
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