#pain and suffering on planet earth. why did i do this to myself. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bl00dh0rs3 · 2 years ago

Text

I think the reason theres such a Great Divide between how people feel about villains getting redemption arcs is the fact that 1.) Nobody knows what redemption means anymore (ie. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with forgiveness), and 2.) People on a large scale lack an understanding of... who these former-villains are made for.

Admittedly this is largely based on a personal theory i have, that They are made for and by people who feel like they've done bad things in the past, things they personally feel remorseful for but, because its the past, cant necessarily do anything about, even if they themselves have improved and grown as an individual. I say that bc i know thats why I value redemption arcs as much as i do.

Am i the same person who did those things anymore? No, not by a long shot. But not everyone would think so, and I'm aware of that by nature of just. Knowing how to imagine myself in other ppls shoes, and understanding that nobody can ever know anybody else's full story + that will never stop anyone from making judgements based on what they DO know.

There's ALWAYS someone out there who will hate you, think you are the literal scum of the earth, the devil incarnate. There are almost 8 billion people on this planet. This is a fact.

And ideally, in knowing this, we'd be able to brush it off and continue on, content in the fact that we can't control how other people feel and willing to improve ourselves despite that fact. However--humans care. By default. We are social creatures that want to feel liked and welcomed because once upon a time, being loathed by the other humans around you had the potential to mean death.

So we worry. Our actions and their repercussions haunt us and make us MISERABLE, and there is nothing we can do to change that fact.

Just as well--that misery? It helps no one. Absolutely fucking no one.

But it cannot simply be shrugged off by most people, as I established before. So, what exactly are we supposed to do? Obviously--we're supposed to work through those feelings. And lo and behold, story crafting is a FANTASTIC way of doing just that! You can be as literal or as figurative as you want, whatever helps YOU, as a writer, breathe easier, and move forward with the energy and confidence to be a better person than you were before tackling those complex, painful, scary feelings.

Redemption arcs are self soothing wish fulfillment--and i mean this in an entirely positive way. We need to be able to believe that we can change FIRST, in order to change at all. If every story we see kills off every single bad person they portray--how does that affect us, subconsciously? What sort of underlying bias does it instill? The idea that once a person does something awful, that theres no turning back? No coming back EVER? Maybe. Who knows! I think that's fucking depressing, close minded, and detrimental to everyone exposed to it.

All I know is that when i was in a short phase of absolutely loathing redemption arcs along with everyone else, I was in a stage of my life where i hated myself to the point of self harm. Because i believed i was genuinely fucking evil for all the things id said and done as an ignorant child, and that there was no way back, and that i NEEDED to suffer to 'repent'. And i did not grow up in a highly Christian household--so Where exactly did that mindset come from, hmm? Sounds a little familiar, don't it.

... The point im trying to get at here, is this;

Redemption arcs are not made for victims.

They are made for perpetrators.

They are made by an author, to show other "bad people" in the world that, "hey. you are not set in stone. You are alive and you have free will and you can make different choices. Here is how, and here is why."

Now--i know what youre about to say. "But jack most redemption arcs suck and dont actually say any of those things!!! They just let the villain get off scott free with a happily ever after without doing any of the hard work on screen of Actually changing!" To which, i have a few things to ask you about.

1.) Was that ACTUALLY an attempted redemption arc? Or did the villain just happen to survive the climax of the story, and was momentarily shown to have had a change of heart, finally?

.... iiiiiiiiiiimplying that they are going to START their work towards redemption.... post-canon?

2.) So what? Sometimes stories and the tropes within them aren't written well. A shitty redemption is not different from a shitty romance or a shitty hero's journey. Not everyone is Shakespeare, and not everything has to be made to your standards. If you don't like it, you don't have to look at it. That doesn't mean you should write off the entire Concept as inherently bad.

And 3.) I will also challenge you to consider just how personal your reading of a character's redemption arc is. Like I'm saying--redeemed villains are not made for victims. They are made to address and dig into the meat of just how awful someone of human intelligence can be, and try to wrangle an idea of HOW that person can come out of it somehow, healthier, happier, and kinder.

They have to address sensitive topics, more often than not. Like it is literally required--if the villain never does anything BAD, theres no story. Theres nothing for them to pursue redemption ABOUT. And those sensitive topics can bring out the ire of people who have been through them--obviously! And that is not the fault of the viewer! You have every right to feel how you feel, and hate a villain as much as you want for it--but try to REMEMBER that that is where your feelings of distaste are coming from, when attempting to criticize the thing you are watching--especially if youre going to be especially vitriolic about it in the faces of people who enjoy that villain, and their redemption arc.

You have every right to not like it--but take a moment to analyze WHY before claiming it's "bad".

It probably just wasn't written for you.

We live in a world that already encourages so much cruelty--but, people can heal and feel motivated to do better by watching redemption arcs play out for characters that they see themselves in.

Even if you think it's shallow--does it actually MATTER if it is or not? I don't think so. I don't give a fuck what's going on in someones head--as long as they are treating the people and world around them with kindness and respect, I think that's all that should matter. Actions speak louder than words and all that. People are allowed to want to be better because it feels good. People NEED to be allowed to want to feel good, if it means shirking harmful habits and mentalities. Do you get what im saying?

Obviously there's plenty of nuance to these situations--in regards to fictional characters, there is inherently more give in what a character can do. They are not real. Nobody is actually getting hurt. So, pushing them to the FARTHEST LIMITS of how bad a person can be, and coming back? It's like a power fantasy, with a self reflective twist. And power fantasies are not inherently bad, either.

How heartwarming is it, to imagine that even that terrible tyrant who slaughtered innocents and razed cities can feel remorse? For them to give everything they have to help rebuild what they destroyed, and show compassion for the people they've hurt, and vowing to never let it happen again?

Because if even that terrible man on the screen can change--then of course I can change, too. Of course I, a person who's merely made a few callous comments and emotional scarred an ex by being a toxic asshole, can be better. I HAVE to be. It is an obligation.

An obligation that I may have otherwise seen as an insurmountable obstacle. Because I did. Thats what I saw it is as. I had been convinced that every bad thing I did, made me who I was. That everyone could just see it on my face--and that if they didn't, all they'd need to do was look a little bit closer before being repulsed by what they saw. It made me bitter and mean and I had so few friends I felt like I could actually be open with. I am still dealing with the repercussions of that mentality today--it is the source of quite literally All Of My Woes.

You've all seen my vent posts. All that shit? Consequences of this. This is why my lows go as low as they do--and This is why I am SO passionate about my villainous blorbos. This is why I love redemption arcs. They remind me that there is still hope for me--that there is still hope for everyone. You might enjoy living as a pessimist--but not everyone has the fortitude to maintain that attitude on a healthy level.

So when you see someone who is enjoying a villian you hate, and its making silly content of them being redeemed and goofing off and being happy and alive and loved--have a little compassion. That person its probably dealing with some shit, too. So just let it be.

#horse.txt #rant //#sort of #not sparked by anything in particular its just been on my mind lately n i woke up feeling like puttin it down

3 notes · View notes

baz4you · 1 year ago

Text

DEATH NOTE 📝

"Well, life is too short to argue. I mean, that's a good line. But life gives you many wounds, and maybe they will heal, but they leave scars. I wanted a peaceful life, but it can't happen in this hellish world. The world is a cruel place, and it's our home. Once, a person asked God, 'I want to die.' Then God replied, 'Why do you want to die?' The person replied, 'Is there any good reason to live in this hellish world? Why would I not die? What have I gained here? Nothing, just pain and suffering. Has there been a single good thing that happened to me? I always wanted to die since my childhood. I was just looking for a peaceful place where I can kill myself peacefully.' Then God said, 'It's not my fault you want to die because I didn't create this hellish world. I created a beautiful planet, but humans changed it into a hellish one.' The person replied, 'Hmm, hahahhahah. Then why did you create me? I didn't ask to be sent here. I'm tired of everything. People kill each other for some money. People die of starvation, people don't get enough food, people don't get a peaceful life, everyone is chasing money. Everyone is corrupt, just a few good people are left here. I can't tolerate it anymore. This race is killing me inside

God said, "Is that so? Then where is my fault? Did I do anything wrong to you? The way you act, the way you gain, whether it's sin or deed. The person laughed and looked at God, saying, "Oh God, are you kidding me? Yes, you did. You created the earth for us, sent humans to live on it, and then you created me. That was your biggest mistake. I didn't get anything that I wanted except pain and suffering. Now I want to die, and you're holding me back. I've tried many times, but I always failed because of my parents, I guess. This time, I will not, God." God replied, "Oh, my boy. You have a beautiful house, food, water, and a bed. Why do you still want to die?" The person responded, "Don't you see anything? I'm suffering from the inside. That's what you call life. I'm just living it without any meaning. You talk about what a crap. Parents never understood what you want in life. They always compare you with others and push you to do things you never want to do. Do I need to explain everything? You know everything, God."

"A peaceful death can give you freedom from everything you're going through in your life. So, death is not actually bad; it's a gift for humanity. If you think deeply, you will find how death can be a gift for us. I'm not only here waiting for death, and many people want death. Those who suffer from vital diseases, those who suffer from discrimination, those who fight for justice but still don't get it, those who are starving but no one is asking for food, those who experience a breakup, those who fail exams after giving 100%, those who are lonely and don't have anyone to talk to, those who get bullied, those who suffering from domestic violence,

those who suffer from poverty, those who don't get love, . who don't get what they want in life, those who are dying inside but no one is asking how they feel, and those who are trying to live a peaceful life but people around them are always poking them. Now, tell me who is happy here under your command?"

god said, 'yes, you are right, but there are also many people who don't want to die and are h

appy with their lives.'

the person replied, 'oh! come on, they all have facilities. whatever they want, they get. why would anyone want to die when they have everything?'

then god said, 'because they do hard work in their lives, that's why they get what they want.'

the person said, 'so, you think we don't work hard? what a crap! have you ever thought of the ovarian lottery, god? before your birth, when a child is growing in their mother's womb, that's when fate is decided. whether you're born rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, smart or dumb, it's all decided before we're born. then, is there any point in working hard and giving 100% when you still fail?'

God replied "Please don't give up. I love you and I'm here for you. You are not alone.".

"Oh, really God? You love me? Then I can do anything for our love. In my entire life, no one has loved me. Death is such a small thing that I want to give. Also, I can live in your home peacefully because I can't tolerate this noise and chaos around me. Thank you for sending me here."

1 note · View note

bookoformon · 1 year ago

Text

Alma Chapter 36. "The Dream of Light."

The commandments of Alma to his son Helaman.

Comprising chapters 36 and 37.

CHAPTER 36

Alma testifies to Helaman "the Dream of Light" of his conversion after seeing an angel—He suffered the pains of a damned soul; he called upon the name of Jesus, and was then born of God—Sweet joy filled his soul—He saw concourses of angels praising God—Many converts have tasted and seen as he has tasted and seen. About 74 B.C. "Insolence" continues.

Anytime we discuss anything having to do with angles we are referring to various arrangements of the Hebrew alphabet. No matter the religion, the underlying language of the God of Israel comes from these words. They are the origins of all intelligence and spiritual thought on the planet. They are the very foundation of them.

This is why we spot check various words and phrases in Gematria, which connects letters, words, numeric values, acronyms, symbols and equations back to the root cause of religion to ensure we are digging as deeply as possible into the most ample sources of the truth hidden within.

Hebrew by itself contains a multitude of mysteries, especially about the nature of the transition between God and the Christ and His return to a subtle state as an Agnostic Spirit. The entire text of the Book of Mormon discusses how and why this happened in order to obtain freedom for millions of African American slaves living here during the 19th century. As surely as Christ appeared in Rome at the dawn of the first millennium, He came to us in modern times to free black people from oppression alongside Abraham Lincoln, the greatest prophet that has ever lived. And He did!

But slavery and its causes comprise more than whips, chains, and plantations, they involve a mass hyseria; a profound malfunction between the essential nature of man which is caused by God and the sinful one man has knowingly superimposed upon himself. It is that issue we are trying to solve, not the former, at least not any longer, hope. The biggest is how to teach the ignorant not to revel in the suffering they see and instead do something about it:

1 My son, give ear to my words; for I swear unto you, that inasmuch as ye shall keep the commandments of God ye shall prosper in the land.

2 I would that ye should do as I have done, in remembering the captivity of our fathers; for they were in bondage, and none could deliver them except it was the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob; and he surely did deliver them in their afflictions.

3 And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

4 And I would not that ye think that I know of myself—not of the temporal but of the spiritual, not of the carnal mind but of God.

5 Now, behold, I say unto you, if I had not been born of God I should not have known these things; but God has, by the mouth of his holy angel, made these things known unto me, not of any worthiness of myself;

6 For I went about with the sons of Mosiah "water of salvation"*, seeking to destroy the church of God; but behold, God sent his holy angel to stop us by the way.

7 And behold, he spake unto us, as it were the voice of thunder, and the whole earth did tremble beneath our feet; and we all fell to the earth, for the fear of the Lord came upon us.

8 But behold, the voice said unto me: Arise. And I arose and stood up, and beheld the angel.

9 And he said unto me: If thou wilt of thyself be destroyed, seek no more to destroy the church of God.

10 And it came to pass that I fell to the earth; and it was for the space of three days and three nights that I could not open my mouth, neither had I the use of my limbs.

"The Bridegroom Came And They That Were Ready Went In With Him To The Marriage And The Door Was Shut."

The value In Gematria Is 7081= זאֶפֶס‎חא, zephescha

zeph= hidden by god

es=the fire

cha= chesed, God's Mercy

"The Light of Wisdom, the Mercy of God, togetgher called Shabbat, were kept away."

11 And the angel spake more things unto me, which were heard by my brethren, but I did not hear them; for when I heard the words—If thou wilt be destroyed of thyself, seek no more to destroy the church of God—I was struck with such great fear and amazement lest perhaps I should be destroyed, that I fell to the earth and I did hear no more.

12 But I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.

13 Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.

14 Yea, and I had murdered many of his children, or rather led them away unto destruction; yea, and in fine so great had been my iniquities, that the very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.

15 Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my deeds.

16 And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul.

=6181, ו‎אחא "and my brother."

Three Days and Nights are the amount of time needed to realize it is time for the flood of violence to recede. There is no way to insulate one corner of the world from it while it lasts in another.

17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.

22 Yea, methought I saw, even as our father Lehi "the voice" saw, God sitting upon his throne, surrounded with numberless concourses of angels, in the attitude of singing and praising their God; yea, and my soul did long to be there.

23 But behold, my limbs did receive their strength again, and I stood upon my feet, and did manifest unto the people that I had been born of God.

24 Yea, and from that time even until now, I have labored without ceasing, that I might bring souls unto repentance; that I might bring them to taste of the exceeding joy of which I did taste; that they might also be born of God, and be��filled with the Holy Ghost.

25 Yea, and now behold, O my son, the Lord doth give me exceedingly great joy in the fruit of my labors;

26 For because of the word which he has imparted unto me, behold, many have been born of God, and have tasted as I have tasted, and have seen eye to eye as I have seen; therefore they do know of these things of which I have spoken, as I do know; and the knowledge which I have is of God.

27 And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me.

28 And I know that he will raise me up at the last day, to dwell with him in glory; yea, and I will praise him forever, for he has brought our fathers out of Egypt, and he has swallowed up the Egyptians in the Red Sea; and he led them by his power into the promised land; yea, and he has delivered them out of bondage and captivity from time to time.

29 Yea, and he has also brought our fathers out of the land of Jerusalem; and he has also, by his everlasting power, delivered them out of bondage and captivity, from time to time even down to the present day; and I have always retained in remembrance their captivity; yea, and ye also ought to retain in remembrance, as I have done, their captivity.

30 But behold, my son, this is not all; for ye ought to know as I do know, that inasmuch as ye shall keep the commandments of God ye shall prosper in the land; and ye ought to know also, that inasmuch as ye will not keep the commandments of God ye shall be cut off from his presence. Now this is according to his word.

I love this Book of Mormon because it means the black man cried unto heaven, God listened and sent his avenging angels to reprieve them from bondage.

The Jews were never slaves in Egypt, that is a myth, but look at the wonders of their faith, Judaism, and the miracle it caused when real slaves, Africans needed God the most. This amazing scripture, a roadmap to Holy War and victory over the forces of a persistently pregnant evil: Slavery of the black man by the white.

The death of Christ on a cross after His beatification was a grave misfortune, not a cause of elation. We have been confused about this for many centuries, as much as we have been about skin color, gender, slavery, tyranny, prejudice, all the causes of muggery on this planet.

Though the black man was delivered, and slavery is not nearly as popular as it used to be, the work is clearly not over. The Dream of Light is still unfulfilled.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and the Republicans are still alive and they are still doing the works of the devil's hands, trying to yoke all of us to slavery to their isolence and ridiculous prejudices and they have to be stopped, forever.

Their causes are impertient and ridiculous reasons to give up on our freedom and happiness.

The savages cheated this piece of shit into the White House and then together, they ravaged this world of hope.

youtube

No forgiveness, no mercy, no turning back they have to go. They have to hurt, they have to pay.

We must not wait any longer. The Commandments these foul creatures will not observe must be their undoing- the Republican Party must cease operations, and all current and past Party members involved in the 2016 Election Fraud and the War Crimes of Donald Trump must be punished.

*Refers to Ammon, Aaron, Omner, and Himni, whom we've talked about.

#Youtube

1 note · View note

lets-talk-spirituality · 2 years ago

Note

go to a other planet? that sounds great! Can I travel to a planet just by imagining it or take my mind to another planet and be in its energy or feel their vibrations? or is it that I can really travel to a planet with my soul? is that possible? Or is it that I have already done it and I just have not been aware of it? can I meet more souls there? Can I be aware of all that? If so, where do I start to investigate? insert keyword.

It seems to be the best panorama that one could have, better than traveling anywhere on this planet. Why physically roam this planet when I could decide to travel to other planets and meet other life forms to see mine from other perspectives? Or is it that I will already be seeing mine from other perspectives and it is just that I have not associated it with the planet where it comes from? What is the range of perspectives that I can reach in this conscious life? encompassing only the planets of the solar system? Or is it that I can go further if I propose? is all this possible?

Why should I stay in this human drama when I can get out of this show to meet the viewers who know exactly where we are sinking? Knowing all this I can't stay suffering without feeling at the same time that I'm part of a show, without feeling that I'm always boring, how I hate feeling this vibe again in my head, I fell into the drama, I lowered my vibration. Thank you for broadening my perspective mentally, now I understand everything that somehow I felt and it didn't make me feel submerged in the drama, to understand that vibration that many minds remembered me as my own, even so sometimes I perceive myself as a simple caricature, and I I seem to need pain what perspective is that? After reading you so much I have not been the same again, very grateful to you.

You are incredible, how do you manage in my mind to order what was scattered and empty before, waiting for a writer to fill it up and put it in its place.

A lot to unpack. First, if you were meant to do these things you would. Is you wanting to go to another planet about wanting to escape being here???

You can astral project or travel to other places through vibrations. You can meet other souls and be aware of it. And you probably incarnated on a planet not earth before. Investigate through meditation or astral projection. I can’t give tips really because I’ve never really been too concerned with these things. I’ve been more focused on this lifetime but spirit did tell me stuff or I have some insight into other planets I’ve lived.

Because you came here to be a human, anon. You didn’t come here to just exist as a soul. You came to be a human on earth and enjoy earth. Part of the mission is learning to enjoy being here and being human. I think you and I are very similar in this way. I’ve been running away from earth my whole life and I’m trying to share what I’ve been told. I hope it helps you come to terms with existence here too.

You can go as far as you are meant to go. At some point you can incorporate multiple perspectives at once. I feel like I’ve come to that a lot and I’ve never had to project to another planet to find that. I feel like you are excited about this possibility because you want to escape your life. There is more growth in learning to accept and live this life as a human earthling. That’s harder.

Why? Because you incarnated here to do that. You can exit the human drama anytime by expanding your mind. When you see it as a show it becomes funny. You realize where you’re playing out your own human melodramas and you can carry them out without it upsetting or effecting you as much. Sometimes I get this way and I’m just like ugh I’m being so human right now and laugh. It’s okay to be human. This is part of learning to see things in an expansive way. You’re being a human, lowering vibration, getting caught up. We all do that! It’s so you can learn how to raise it again, how you can face deep heartbreak and still find your way back to love. It’s like we’re in the show alone. The universe just dropped us into crazy situations to see if we can still figure out our way back. That’s real magic. Me and my mom having the relationship we do now is magic, me having gratitude to my abusive ex is magic, magic is doing what seems impossible to do. The key to magic is love. Accept your humanness anon. That’s step 1.

I’m glad I could help open your perspective but I think once you come to terms with your own humanity and accept being here (trust me, I know that’s not easy, it’s only been the past year or two I’ve been understanding this same thing I’m telling you). I don’t think you’ll be able to go as far out into consciousness as you want until you learn how to ground yourself on earth. Once you master your humanity the universe gives you more power. Then you can access more.

Sending lots of love! Thanks for this conversation. It’s very interesting trying to answer :) makes me think a lot and I like that.

#ask box

1 note · View note

geminigirl0298 · 2 years ago

Text

All The Kings' Men

Relationship: Dark!Bucky x Reader, King!Loki x Reader

Summary: The Odinson Kings take over Midgard, appointing commanders to help them colonize the entire planet. Commander Barnes finds you during a raid of untouched lands and claims you as his own. You endure months of torture and abuse at the metal hand of the cruel man, and are set to suffer even more when he sends you to King Loki to break you further. Upon meeting the feared man, you find that looks can be deceiving, and rumors are not always what they seem.

A/N: Thank you to my editor @green-mischief-managed for helping me with this fic! Let me know if you want to be tagged!

Warnings: Minors DNI, 18+, very NSFW. Fingering, oral sex (f and m receiving), handjobs, blood and gore, torture, rape, knives, death, mutilation, choking, burning, breeding kink, forced pregnancy, vaginal sex, mentions of suicide. This fic deals with dark themes such as rape, abuse and torture. If these themes make you uncomfortable, please do not read!

Previous Chapter Masterlist

CHAPTER 9

“Captain Rogers.” The man did not stir. Captain Rogers.” This time his eyelids fluttered, yet his eyes remained closed, head lolled to the side. Sven had stomped his face much harder than Loki thought, and he wouldn’t have cared much if time was not of the essence. Sighing to himself, he motioned to his guard. Dag picked up a bucket of water and splashed the contents onto the captain’s face.

He awoke gasping and wild-eyed, hands straining against the ropes binding him to the chair. Loki smirked at his attempts to escape. “That won’t work. I put those ropes there myself. Only the strongest magic can remove it, and something tells me you haven’t the capacity for that.”

“What’s going on?” Steve demanded. “Why am I here? And why-” he winced as the pain in his left cheek overtook him. Sven had effectively fractured his cheekbone and broken his nose. “He stomped on me! That little blond boy, the fag—”

Loki held up a hand. “I suggest you stop there before you incriminate yourself further.”

“Further?” Steve smiled then, a charming, disarming grin Loki himself had used a number of times. “King Loki, Your Majesty, I’ve done nothing wrong. All I’ve ever done is carry out your rule.”

“Is that so?” Loki motioned to the other guard. Harald handed him a yellow file with a name printed on the front. “This is Sharon Carter’s medical file.” Steve’s eyes blew wide with trepidation. “I am entirely sure you did not know this existed, but your reaction tells me you know what’s in it. Care to explain?” Steve made a careless gesture with his hands.

“There’s nothing to explain. Relationships get rocky sometimes. Sharon understood that.”

Loki flipped the file open to a page he knew well. He brandished a picture of Sharon Carter’s split lip and black eye in front of the captain’s face. “This,” he snarled, “seems like more than a few little ‘rocks’ to me. You say you carry out my rule, but this was not in my directive. I’ve also heard you’ve not been properly allocating resources as I instructed you to do. I don’t think you’ve been carrying out my rule at all.”

“Why do you even care?”

“Why do I—” Loki gave a harsh laugh. “The earth is mine,” he said. “It’s mine. You and your humankind were hellbent on killing yourselves until my brother and I intervened. We wanted better for you, to show you the error of your ways and have you submit to our rule. My brother chose you because he trusted you, and this is what you do.” He shook the file and watched Steve’s jaw clench. “Beat and torture your women—”

“Like you haven’t done worse?” Steve shot back. “I’ve heard the stories about you. You’re standing here judging me, and I know that nothing in that file compares to your actions. Everyone is afraid of you, everyone—”

The force of the slap rocked Steve’s head to the side. Loki raised his arm to hit him again, bringing the gloved hand across his cheek with a smack that resonated in the pristine white room. Outside the restrictive force field, the other prisoners looked on at the scene in glee. They did not seem to mind the violence once it was not directed at them, and they especially seemed to like that the king had come to do his dirty work himself.

Loki lifted his leather-covered hand. He sneered at the glisten noticeable in the dim light. “You stained my glove.” The captain spit blood on the white floor.

“So you’re going to torture me?” Steve grinned, showing the red staining his pearly teeth. “Have at it. I’ve dealt with men like you.”

“That’s where you’re mistaken, captain. There are no men like me.” Loki raised his hand, clenching it slowly into a fist. He saw the confusion in the captain’s eyes, the little bloom of panic as his oxygen was slowly restricted. A handprint-shaped dent appeared on his throat, constricting until the captain turned blue. Loki watched his feet scramble against the floor with a wicked grin. “Hard to breathe? How unfortunate.”

Loki took a seat on the plush chair brought in for his comfort. He crossed one leg over his knee and plucked the parchment out of its pocket dimension. “I have some questions for you, and it would behoove you to answer to the best of your ability.” He tightened his fist for just a second to get the captain’s attention. “Is that understood?” A nod. “Excellent.”

Steve doubled over in relief when Loki allowed him to breathe again. He gave the captain a few seconds before launching into his investigation.

“Why have your people been having secret meetings with Aesir?” The captain’s eyes flickered down. Loki lifted a hand in warning. “Answer me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Really?” Steve did not budge. Through the wariness in his eyes, Loki could see that this was a man not easily broken. “My spies on Midgard have told me that you, Commander Barnes, and Commander Fury have been taking meetings for the past month with known Asgardian traitors. You have also,” he glanced down at the parchment, “recently received a large shipment that was not reported to us. Pray tell what is in it?”

Steve was silent for a long time. His eyes flickered between the parchment and Loki before holding his gaze. “It’s Bruce, isn’t it? He’s your source? I should’ve known.”

“I am the one asking the questions here.”

The captain rolled his eyes. “I’m sure she’s filled your head with lies too. What did she say? That Buck hit her?” Steve scoffed. “And you believed her?”

Loki rose to his feet in a stroke of anger. He handed the files to Harald and moved toward the captain. “She didn’t have to tell me anything. I saw what Barnes did to that girl. The bruises, the cuts, the fear on her face. He tortured her, and for what? I don’t know where this misguided notion came from, but that is not how we treat our women here on Asgard.”

“Somehow I find that hard to believe.” Steve’s blue eyes blazed like the flames of hell. “Didn’t you try to invade Jotunheim once?” Loki’s façade faltered. “Yeah, I thought so. I remember when you and Thor were at odds, when you were playing the mad dictator and he couldn’t stop you. You wanted that ice realm for yourself, and you expect me to believe you left the women untouched?” The captain gave a nasty grin. “I know what happens in war.”

“I have never placed my hand on a woman— or a man— in a way that was unwanted. Do not presume to liken us to one another.” He grabbed ahold of Steve’s flaxen hair and gave it a shake. “I would never do what you or Commander Barnes do to your women.”

“You seem awfully concerned about our women,” Steve shot back. “Or perhaps this is about one in particular.” Loki saw the insinuation in the captain’s face before he voiced it. “You’re fucking her, aren’t you? That’s why you’re so concerned.”

Loki was taken aback. “I—”

“Fuck, she’s such a whore. I told Buck that, but he wouldn’t listen. He saw the way she fought him and wanted to break her. And he did break her, mind you. I’m just surprised she managed to muster up enough courage to spread her legs for a bastard king—”

Steve went silent when Loki’s hand crossed his cheek. He had let him speak for far too long. Enough was enough.

“I’m not going to get any information from you, clearly.” The captain glared at him. A nice shiner, similar to the one he had given Sharon Carter, was beginning to form on his right eye. “That doesn’t mean I can’t still have some fun.”

Loki hit him again and again, curling his hand into a fist to increase the force of the blows. Blood and bruises sprang up along the captain’s once handsome face. Red splattered along the clean walls of the cell with every contact of his fist. He hoped what he had read about the man’s vast capacity for pain was true. It would be a shame to have him pass out too soon.

“My king.” Loki turned, one hand poised to strike the captain again. Blood dripped down his leather glove and soaked the green of his sleeve.

“Yes, Harald?”

The older man’s eyes dipped to the captain and back. “I think he’s dead.”

Loki looked upon the captain. His face was a raw, bloody mess, and it filled him with a sick sense of satisfaction. Still, he narrowed his eyes as he searched for any signs of life. “His chest still moves,” he observed. “Mouth too. What a shock.” Steve’s mouth was indeed moving, working sluggishly as he tried to speak. Loki leaned forward to listen. “What was that? I’m afraid I didn’t hear you.”

“I said,” Steve gritted out, “that I can’t wait for them to kill you like they killed your mother.”

Loki let out a feral growl. He placed the bottom of his boot on the captain’s chest and gave a mighty shove. The chair fell to the ground, slamming Steve’s head against the tiled floors. Loki straddled the man and gave a bounce, revelling in the crack that spoke of broken ribs accompanied by the captain’s grunt of pain.

“You talk too much.” He reached into the man’s mouth and grabbed ahold of his tongue, pulling it out until it turned white at the root from the stretch. With his other hand, he materialised his trusty dagger. “It’s time for you to shut up.”

Loki brought the dagger down.

ooOOoo

Sobs racked your frame as Sven carried you to your room. You clung to his arm like a lifeline as he led you down the hall, and you could not stop crying. Even after Kari changed your dress and tended to your wounds, and Sven took you to the king’s study, the tears would not stop.

“Miss,” said Sven. “Miss Dee, are you hungry? You skipped breakfast this morning.” He held out a platter of breads and cheeses to you. You eyed the food and cried even harder, making Sven wince. “Miss Dee—”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I can’t stop crying.” Pesky tears ran down your face. You swiped at them in annoyance, cursing your tear ducts for their sudden lack of control. A lot of the fear from Steve’s sudden arrival had faded, and anger now took its place. It settled like a weight on your chest, burning through your dress and layers of skin until it singed your nerve endings and radiated through your body.

“Don’t apologise, Miss Dee. There is no need for it. It’s all that bastard’s fault. Men like him—” Sven’s jaw clenched, hands curling into a fist to control his temper. “He got what he deserved.” It was only the second time you had seen him so worked up, the first being in the garden with Steve. Sven was usually such a sweet boy that it was hard for you to conflate him with the man who stomped Steve’s face with all his might. Then there was his previous behaviour to look at.

Sven had read you almost immediately on the bridge. He saw your concern, sized up James’ attitude, and immediately went on the defensive: making sure you were not left alone, keeping the horse slow, shutting down James’ complaints because you couldn’t. And the way he handled Steve—not just protective but bordering on unhinged.

“Sven,” your voice was faint. “You know, don’t you?” He remained silent, so you gave a little push. “You know what James did to me. You knew it the moment you saw me on the bridge.” Sven gave a slight nod, sympathy bleeding into his eyes, and your breath hitched. “How?”

“My mother was like you.” He leaned back, mist filling his brown eyes as he was pulled into a memory. “She met my father when she was very young — around my age, actually— and he was a few centuries her senior. Everyone in the village knew he was the rottenest apple in the bunch. Always gambling and drinking his life away. The catch was his entire family was dead, leaving him a fortune that made him the richest man in the village.”

“Is that why your mother married him?” you wondered aloud. “For security?” Sven’s eyes blew wide.

“No! My mother detested the man! She was married to him by force! They were very poor, my mother’s family, with seven other sons to see about besides her. I guess they thought it was easier to marry her off, so when my father took an interest in her—”

“They sold her to him,” you deduced. “For money.” Sven gave you a sad nod.

“Mother always says we cannot judge people whose positions we were never in. She loves her family, and still speaks to them. Kari and I do not. I hate them,” he seethed. “They put her in that position and did not lift a finger to help her, even when she would show up on their doorstep covered in blood.”

The tears that filled your eyes were not for you, but for Sven. After your ordeal, you were shocked that you could muster enough empathy to spend on someone else. “Sven,” you reached out to touch the sleeve of his shirt, avoiding the skin-on-skin contact that made you feel like worms were beneath your flesh. “Sven, I am so sorry. That must have been so awful for you.”

“It was,” he admitted. “Kari was an adult when I was born, but even she was afraid of my father. He was strong for a degenerate, and as liberal with his fists as he was with his spirits. My sister received a few blows when she would get in between him and my mother.”

“And did you?” You thought back to the way he put himself between you and Steve without a second thought. There was no doubt in your mind that he had done that before. “Sven?”

“My father was never cruel to me, though I cannot say why. My theory is that he hoped I would end up like him.” Sven brought his hands together in his lap, wringing them as he spoke. “He never respected women to begin with. He blamed the alcohol, but I think it was him, and the drink was his excuse. I’ve seen many a man drunk before, and they’ve never resorted to violence.

“How is your mother now?” you wished to know. “Is she—”

“Alive? Yes. The harem was not built when she came to the palace seeking refuge. Queen Frigga was on her way out with King Loki—he was just a prince at the time, actually— and she took pity on my mother. I was only twelve when they moved us into the palace and offered her maid’s work, which my sister took up as well. She quite enjoys the lifestyle, and she has so loved tending to you.”

You smiled as you recalled your fair-haired handmaiden. Though they shared similar looks, you would never have guessed she was related to Sven. “Your sister is kind. I like people who are kind. I’ve had very little of that in the lifetime that I do remember. The king promised to help me find out who I am but…” You looked down at your hands. “I guess I can’t blame him if he doesn’t. He’s got an entire realm to govern. I’m not so stupid as to think he would drop that just to help me, especially after the trouble I’ve caused.”

Sven shook his head. “If King Loki has given you his word, he will surely stand by it. Do you know how I became a guard?” You shook your head. “I always looked up to the king’s guard. In some way, I guess it was my subconscious projecting, dreaming up ways for me to escape my reality by means of making me a protector. I mentioned my interest in becoming a guard to the king once, not long after I arrived, and he remembered. When I came of age, he came to me and offered me a chance to train with his guard. I’ve been with them ever since.”

“That’s…”. There really wasn’t a word to describe what you had just heard. “That’s great, Sven. I’m glad the king remembered.”

“Yes, I was very glad he gave me the opportunity. King Loki continued to take care of my family even after his mother passed.” Sven leaned closer to you. “Between you and me, I think he pays Kari and me more than we deserve. I’ve heard other older guards and maids discussing salary, and it is sufficient, yet far less than what we receive.”

Before you could tell Sven that he was worth every penny he earned, you heard a commotion outside the king’s study. You and Sven shared a look. The noise outside got louder and closer, approaching the door until Sven rose to his feet. He barely had time to cross the room before the doors flew open and a man built like a powerlifter stalked through the door.

His eyes landed on you. “Are you Lady Dee?”

You were afraid to answer at first. He was one of the largest men you had seen, even bigger and taller than Steve and James combined. Half of his blond hair was up in a ponytail, allowing you a good look at his stubbled jaw and stormy blue eyes. You cowered as you stared back at this mountain of a man, wondering what he could possibly want with you.

“W-who are you?”

“Thor!” King Loki strode in behind the man, all long legs and green flowing cape. His horns were absent from his head, and you noted that his hair was curlier than you remembered. Even without them, he radiated royalty and kingliness. It was him, you realised, that made the title, and not what he wore. The king carried himself with a confidence and surety that was difficult to ignore, even as he narrowed his eyes at the burly man who was apparently his brother.

“What are you doing?” He placed a hand on Thor’s shoulder. “You know I don’t like people in my study!”

Thor, the other king and the man who had invited the best friend of your captor to Asgard, shook his tree trunk of an arm to rid it of his brother’s restraining hand. “Stay out of this, brother,” he ordered, and you saw King Loki’s eyes tighten. He had just opened his mouth to retort when Thor turned to you again. “You haven’t answered my question. Are you Lady Dee?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Brother, this is hardly—”

Thor gave a grand bow, drawing a look from his brother mid-sentence. “I come to you today with my sincerest apologies. It has been brought to my attention that I have made a grave error in judgement that resulted in your harm. Please forgive me for my unintended slight. I swear to you I will do everything in my power to correct it if you will give me a chance to do so.”

You blinked at the bowed head of the blond god. This was not at all what you had expected from him. A reaction along the lines of the dark-haired king, sure, or maybe even a worse one, but not this. Not this humble man who all but admitted his mistakes and was pleading for a chance to rectify them.

“Um…” Your eyes flitted to Sven, who gave you an encouraging nod. “Yeah, I forgive you, I guess.”

Thor’s head snapped up. A wide smile broke out over his face, its attractiveness taking you back. He looked nothing like his brother, so you guessed they must each take after a different parent.

“Excellent!” He reached for your hand and held it between his two larger ones. “It is lovely to have you on Asgard, Lady Dee! Darcy speaks very highly of you.” Thor leaned in, adding to the sweat that had already formed on your forehead at his touch. “I must apologise once more for inviting Steve Rogers to Asgard. My brother told me what he did in the gardens. I assure you he will not come near you again, and if there is anything you need, please do not hesitate to let me know.”

You can let go of my hand, for starters. You wondered if you could even say that to a king. Weren’t they above the law? They were gods, for heaven’s sake. What was a minor invasion of personal space compared to that?

“C-can you…” Beads of perspiration dotted your upper lip. Your eyes searched the room for exits. Instead of the doors, you managed to catch the gaze of King Loki. He took one look at your frazzled state and reached over to take his brother’s wrist.

“Lady Dee is still shaken from earlier today. How about we give her a chance to rest? We can talk to her later.”

“Yes.” Thor released your hand. You held it to your chest and scooted away from him. “Yes, you are right. I did not think of that.” He placed his hands on his hips, further accentuating his broad chest. “I should go see my wife. She has not been feeling well of late.” He turned to his brother then, face taking on a hint of seriousness. “I spoke to the guards. Is it true, what you did to Steve? Did you really—”

“Let’s talk later, brother.” King Loki gave you a fleeting glance. “Sven, how are you?”

“Okay.” The boy shuffled his feet. “Would it be okay if I took off for the night? I wish to go see my mother.”

Understanding bled into the king’s face. “Of course. Take as much time as you need. I can look after Lady Dee until you return.” Sven bid you goodbye, and you wished your body had recovered enough for you to give him a hug. Thor left not long after. He exchanged some hushed words with his brother at the door before giving you another goofy grin. Once he was gone, you and King Loki were left alone.

“I must apologise for my brother. He can be very enthusiastic and often forgets that people are not toys. I suppose it comes with the territory of being a big oaf.” Amusement entered his eyes, then disappeared in a flash. He looked over your form with a grim expression. “Did a healer see to your arm?”

You touched the white bandage around your forearm. “Kari did it.” The king frowned.

“I would have preferred a healer to look at it.” He took a tentative step toward you, watching you as though you would scamper away from him. Your lack of skittishness seemed to please him. “I can heal that for you if you want.”

“With your magic?”

“Yes.”

The thought did intrigue you. The king’s magic had caught your interest that day on the bridge, and you longed to see more of it in action. Unfortunately, your quota for people touching you had been filled, and not even the promise of relief from the stinging pain could change that. “No thank you,” you said quietly.

The king nodded. “Not a problem. I’ll have a healer look at it when you’re ready.” He walked over to his desk and took a seat behind it— the same desk he had interrogated you from what now felt like a decade ago.

“I don’t mean to be disrespectful,” you explained. “I just—”

“Don’t want to be touched. I understand.” He dragged a piece of parchment across his desk and grabbed a feathered pen. “You shouldn’t be afraid to tell my brother his touch makes you uncomfortable. Thor is a very physical person, and even though he means no harm, he forgets not everyone is as receptive to such behaviours.”

“But you don’t?” He looked at you. “You don’t forget.”

The king shrugged—a human, nonchalant gesture that looked out of place on his otherwise regal frame. “I’ve been told I read people well. My brother is a better man than me, but he is not so astute at deciphering another’s feelings.” He ran his eyes over the parchment once more. “Bruce Banner has contacted me.”

“Really?” You sat up, gloomy mood pushed to the side in light of the news. “What did he say? Is he okay? How’s Betty?”

King Loki furrowed his brow. “I assume he is well, as he hasn’t told me differently. I’m afraid I have no answers to the other questions. Our conversation is strictly business.”

“Oh.” It was hard to keep the disappointment out of your voice. “What did he say?”

“Apparently, some of the commanders have been meeting with known traitors of Asgard, namely Barnes, Rogers, and Fury. They also received a large shipment a while ago that was not disclosed to us. My brother knows nothing of this, and we both find it suspicious. Meeting traitors aside, that shipment concerns me.”

“And Bruce has no idea what it is?” The king shook his head. ��What about you? Any ideas?”

He sat the paper down with a sigh, face contorting in a muddled look. “Considering the names of the traitors, I have some ideas. Let’s hope I’m wrong.” His tone made it clear that was all he was going to say on the situation.

“What about Steve?” You had been dying to know what happened to the man after the guards dragged him off. “Tho—King Thor sounded concerned about him. Where is he?”

“He is in the dungeons,” the king answered, and you swore you saw his eyes tighten. “Rest assured, he cannot hurt you. Even I have not been able to escape the dungeons.”

You frowned. “Why would you need to escape the dungeons? Have you been imprisoned before?” The king fixed you with an entertained glance.

“You ask a lot of questions, my lady.” He held up two fingers and swirled them in the air. You watched in fascination as the wheeled cart holding your food rolled toward you of its own accord, stopping about an inch from where you sat. “I was informed you skipped breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry.” As though the universe was out to call your bluff, your stomach decided to growl loudly. You clapped both your hands over your abdomen to muffle the sounds.

“It seems your stomach disagrees.” He used his magic to move the cart even closer. “Eat. It is well past lunch.”

The food did look good, and you had skipped breakfast in order to go outside. Starvation was probably not the best way to deal with the disastrous results. “I’ll eat in my room.”

The king did not even lift his head from the new book he had conjured. “Why? The food is already there; just eat.”

“You just said you don’t like having people in your study.” Your finger pointed in the direction of the door. “I just heard you tell King Thor that.”

“Airs for my brother. He had a nasty habit of messing up my things when we were children, and he hasn’t broken out of it. Eat.”

You eyed the food warily. “I—”

“Lady Dee, I invited you here myself. If I wanted you gone, I would have already sent you away.” His eyes flitted to the food and back. “Eat. I will not have you wasting away on me.”

You reached for the food before you with a shaky hand. The minute the bread touched your tongue you nearly moaned. All the adrenaline coursing through your body stifled your hunger until it was practically unnoticeable. If it weren’t for the king, you probably would have gone without eating until you fainted.

“I began looking into you last night,” he told you. “Your date of birth is unknown, but I’ve gathered birth records from three possible decades in which you could have been born, and I am matching them with our current citizen records to look for any discrepancies.”

“Did you find anything?”

“Not yet, but there are many more records to go through. Even if this fails, it could be that you just weren’t recorded. A lot of births go unnoticed by or hidden from the palace.” He tapped the book with one slender finger. “We will find out who you are. There is nary a thing I have set my mind to that I cannot conquer.”

The king seemed so sure of himself that it filled you with confidence too. You leaned back into the couch and watched him scour the records. Every time he finished a page, he would wet a finger on his tongue to turn to the next. A comfortable silence settled over you, him reading the pages and you finishing your meal. It gave you a chance to study his face unhindered.

You decided you preferred him without the horns. Magnificent as they were, they added to the slight air of terror that followed him wherever he was. King Loki was terrifying as is, but you had to admit there was something beautiful about him. He looked nothing like his rugged, beefy brother, no. His strength was all intellectual; quiet words and calculating glances that read a person in five seconds flat, though you were sure his physical strength was not lacking.

“Do you need something?” His musical voice drew you out of your thoughts, green eyes holding you in place with a questioning glance. You flushed under the intensity of his gaze.

“I was just wondering what happened to Steve,” you lied, and you were sure he knew it too. “Your brother was about to ask you a question, and you stopped him, presumably for my benefit. I promise you I can handle more than you think. You don’t need to protect me from everything.” You leaned forward. “What did you do to Steve?”

“I cut out his tongue.”

Your eyes widened for a fraction of a second. It was not the act that threw you, but rather how unapologetic he sounded.

“Oh.” You gave a nod. “Good. He talks too much anyway.”

Your attention drifted to your food after that, letting another silence envelope you. There was no sound in the study save for his turning pages and you placing your cup down between sips of water. It was a chance glance at the king that confused you; he was scanning the pages as before, a hand pressed to his mouth. Behind it, you swore he was trying to hide a smile.

Chapter 10

Taglist: @howdidurhammergrowchris @thedistractedagglomeration @soxysarah92 @vicmc624 @mischief2sarawr @scram1326 @booksandbenbarnes @lalalalokii @marvel-universe-of-masterlists @mistress-ofmagic @lokiismygodalone @cjand10 @sweetdreams25 @justlovelifeblog @mad4marvelloki @multifandom-world8 @sallymagnoliaposts @user13cabs @my-love-of-books @benwishaw @oceanmermaidwitch @alexakeyloveloki @midnightvitality @meyocoko @dren-whalen @jbarness @kattreffic @orangechickenpillow @dreamyrainywhispers @trickster-maiden @freshfruitforrottingvegetablez @james-bucky-barnes-bitch @dark-night-sky-99 @somegirlfromasgard @yoongissidebitchh

#lokismut #lokixreader #dark bucky x reader #dark bucky x you #loki x you #loki x y/n #loki fanfic #dark!bucky barnes #dark marvel #marvelau #loki and thor #loki odinson

179 notes · View notes

nincompoopydoo · 3 years ago

Text

DEBRIS AND MISERY

WELCOME BACK, AGENT ; PART 4 / ?

PAIRING: Loki Laufeyson x Female!Reader WORD COUNT: 2.5k SUMMARY: You're back at your desk job at the TVA, suffering the consequences of your mistakes that led to your crash on Sakaar. However, Mobius has a better job for you than doing just paperwork. A/N: I feel like this one has more platonic mobius x reader than loki x reader lol but you know, this loki is meeting her for the first time again. please leave comments, criticism or love, whatever, I love to hear from you guys who are reading this. enjoy xo gif by @alligatorlokis from this gifset WARNINGS: Swearing. Paperwork. support my writing through ko-fi💖 MASTERPOST ; MASTERLIST

The sweet musky smell almost lulls you to sleep as you skim through the case file of a Loki variant, pictures and text of monochrome glaring under the unforgiving fluorescent office lighting. It’s a harsh reminder of your mishap; a simple overlook during a mission that sent you crashing onto the wasteland of Sakaar. According to the reports as you stood on the pedestal, pleading your innocence to the judge, you were there for an estimated 600 years. Maybe more.

The thought of spending six centuries stranded on a planet sends a wave of pain through your skull—it’s overwhelming information but unsurprising. You do feel like you’ve spent 600 years on that God-forsaken planet.

Now, your once fugitive days have been replaced with the return of being trapped behind a desk and having to recount every event that took place during your time there. Word for word. You despise the TVA’s love of paperwork—it’s a fucking nightmare.

The collar of your shirt feels itchy against the back of your neck, bringing your nails to graze it furiously.

You decide to ignore Miss Minutes' cheery voice despite your agitation, your name rolling off her southern accent. It hints at her chagrin towards your disregarding nature.

"Are you even listenin' to me?"

Her voice lacks all sense of her once constant sunny disposition. You spare the projection a glance, watching her rubber-hose-like arms curve to her where you assume her hips would be. She looks at you with an expectant raised brow. You don’t say anything, keeping eye contact as you snatch an empty event report template, spinning in your swivel chair and away from the glowing tangerine clock.

With pursed lips, you swipe the scatter of mess away, revealing an orange typewriter that sits idly within the expense of your stacks of case files and your collection of vintage Earth cassettes. You hear Miss Minutes' sigh as she strides to the other end of your desk, perching on top of a dusty stack of pending paperwork.

“C’mon, it’s just a test,” the animated clock says. You spare her another look as you feed the report template into the roller forcefully. Bing! The return bar dings unceremoniously as it nearly startles Miss Minutes off the stack.

“That is exactly why I’m refusing to listen to you,” you mutter with annoyance, fingers already flying across the keyboard, punching letters onto the event summary section. The loud clickety-clack of the keys makes it impossible to hear over it. “I don’t get why I need to take a test when I clearly know everything I need to know.”

“Well, you were gone for a very long time and we just wanna test your memory on policies and procedures here at the TVA—”

“Then, why didn’t they come and get me earlier? From the moment I stepped foot on Sakaar, I did everything I could to create a Nexus event or even just a spike and you only came when? When I met Loki.”

Your eyes are now on her startled figure, clicks and clacks coming to an abrupt end. You’re upset over your arrest, the whole hoo-ha at the courtroom, and everything before that. Your behavior is nearly childish but understandable to those who express empathy. You feel like you were being used, prioritizing the capture of the Loki variant that has been causing a ruckus to the timeline. But, it is your job to protect the TVA and the sacred timeline. Although you feel that the TVA should be protecting its employees as well.

“Look, I am not taking that test and that’s my final word. Everyone knows I am capable of handling myself. Plus, I do have tons of paperwork to refresh my memory on policies and procedures if that’s what you’re worried about.”

The cartoon clock nods but with hesitation. However, you do make a fair point. Thus, with a swish and a blip, Miss Minutes disappears into thin air, and you’re left to your own devices once more.

Finally some goddamn peace.

As if the universe doesn’t loathe you enough, someone calls your name, approaching from behind you. A groan escapes from your lips, scowling at the glaring keys of the typewriter.

“What?” you spat. In a swift motion, you swivel in your seat and turn to look over your shoulder.

It’s Mobius, approaching you with sudden caution. You let your shoulder sag with relief, happy to see a familiar friendly face.

“Glad to see you’re back and still feisty.” Mobius hesitantly taps your shoulder, flashing you a small consoling smile. Your expression, however, remains unchanged. “Well, you guys did find me after all.” He spots the glimmer of melancholy in your eyes; they avert back to face the typewriter, hands resting on the keys. Mobius shoves his hand into the pockets of his brown slacks, shifting to lean against the edge of your desk. He knows to tread lightly around you after what happened. You’ve changed with wrinkles of age and crinkles of exhaustion. Sakaar must have not been kind to you.

Yet, you’re here, at your desk; alive and well.

“Hey, what’s got you all wound up?”

It’s a stupid question, really but it’s a question to show he still cares. You have every right to be upset. However, you have every right to be thankful. You would have been pruned. Desk cleared and cassettes discarded—it would be as if you never existed. Renslayer would have never given you any mercy after the act you pulled. Disobeying orders and recklessly throwing yourself into danger with the risk of bringing the whole TVA down. You’re impulsive on missions, but it’s your unrelenting determination that drives you to be one of the greatest analysts Mobius has ever seen.

You’re also a friend. A great one. And he isn’t planning on losing one.

“Please prune me, Mobius.”

Your statement comes off as intentionally sarcastic rather than truly meaningful.

“What? I always thought you adored paperwork.” Mobius hears you groan, burying your face in your hands, elbows propped up on the desk. “My back is already hurting, and I have a migraine just thinking about typing out reports of my time on Sakaar. I think it’s quite clear I adore paperwork.” Your muffled voice tinges sarcasm heavily.

Laughter erupts in his chest. He's glad that your sense of humor never changed. Then, the moment quickly passes and he senses a sudden change in the air. You turn up to look at him.

“What was my Nexus event?”

It’s abrupt, almost arbitrary but leads him to even more confusion. Mobius finds himself frowning. “You don’t know?”

You blink. “That’s the one thing they never told me.”

He shifts in his seat on the edge of your desk, blinking up to the ceiling in thought. “Well, from what I heard...it was because Loki willingly helped you. And it wasn’t for his own advantage.”

It’s your turn to frown. “Wouldn’t that be Loki's fault?”

“Apparently not. It was all you.”

You laugh in response; it comes out like a puff of air. “Well, then. That’s a first. I guess I can finally add manipulation to my list of skills. Plus, pick-pocketing weird cosmic fruits.”

Mobius laughs and taps your shoulder again.

“C’mon, take a walk with me. I’ve got a new case that I need your help with.” You shoot him a quizzical look, eyes catching sight of a thick case file in hand—must be important. “I thought I was supposed to be on desk duty.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to sit behind the desk the whole time,” he shoots back a clever answer with a raised eyebrow, beckoning you to accept his offer. Your laugh comes off as more of a snort. It’s the first one in a while. You stand on your feet, stretching your limbs as you shrug on your coat that was hung over the back of your chair.

“Plus, you’re under my supervision,” he says before turning on his heel, heading for the exit. You watch him raise a hand, his back to you, gesturing for you to follow as he pushes through the wooden door. You hum with amusement, trailing behind him.

The winding hallways feel hollow, mundane walls lacking any color of brightness the TVA tries to bring to the space when in all fairness, orange isn’t much of a fun color now that everywhere you look, there’s a tinge of tangerine somewhere. The posters that adorn the walls are your least favorite parts of the headquarters’ decorative choice. You pass one that says 'Always Watching' in big bold letters, ominously glaring at you. The words are far from comforting, almost inhumane—a jarring reminder of where you are and where you stand in the hierarchy of this bureaucratic organization.

Mobius clears his throat from beside you, pulling you out from your thoughts. In a weirdly discreet manner, he hands you the case file with an outstretched hand. You take it, eyeing him and his odd behavior, there’s an unexpected shift in the air.

Then, you glance down, reading the scrawled words on the file that reads: Variant L1130, Loki Laufeyson.

Your strides come to an abrupt end, whipping your head up to see Mobius’ sheepish smile. Your eyes are wide, and you’re shaking your head in utmost objection.

“No, no, no. No. Absolutely no—”

“C’mon, it’s just—”

“No, Mobius. Nuh-uh. I swear, if I have to deal with another Loki, I will prune myself. I literally will.”

You're shoving the file to him, as he attempts to suck it up to you like the optimistic idiot he is although he very well knows once you’ve made up your mind, you cannot be swayed. You’re stubborn, rebellious—it’s what makes you dangerous. Yet, the TVA are pessimists. It’s Mobius who truly recognizes your accompanying positive characteristics that make dealing with your spontaneous character worthwhile.

Then, coincidently emerging from the door of the locker room is Loki himself, dressed in a dress shirt, tie, and slacks—clothes and color schemes accustomed to the TVA’s dress code. Mobius can practically see the wires in your brain short-circuiting as soon as you lay eyes on the God. Your eye twitches and from that, he knows you’re about to go mayhem. It’s the mayhem that’s going to break out on him like a hurricane devouring everything and anything in its way.

“You hired him?! You hired a Loki?!”

Your voice is loud, startling Mobius and Loki as passersby stare at the commotion you’re causing. You find yourself hunching in response, shoulders sagging as if it’s supposed to help with averting the attention away from you. Still, your expression doesn’t falter, and you’re staring at Mobius like he’s nuts.

Your voice comes off as a whisper, tone still harsher than before. “Mobius, are you insane?—”

“Just, let me explain,” he cuts you off with a raised palm to you. You purse your lips, sparing a glance to Loki who seems amused by the looks of the conversation that’s turning to more of an argument because you’re directly questioning your colleague’s sanity in public. Nevertheless, you decide to hear him out.

You watch Mobius sigh at the sight of your raised brow. “We have a variant. A Loki variant that’s been killing our Minutemen and I believe it’s the same one that threw you to Sakaar. So, to hunt down a Loki, what better way than to source the help of another?”

Silence. You’re giving him that deafening silent treatment once more. You’re thinking, he can see the mechanics in your brain running like a steam engine. He observes the way your eyes flicker between him, the file, and Loki who attempts to hide his confusion of you and the whole situation.

You’re not his superior, not even close, but he’s hopeful for your approval of his plan.

You cross your arms, shifting in your stance. “Which Loki is this?” You gesture to Loki with a tilt of your head. Mobius heaves a sigh, a hand to his hip and the other waving in the air.

“He’s, uh, he’s from 2012—”

And you’re back to causing mayhem.

“2012?! Mobius! That’s the worst one yet!”

“Now, hang on just a minute—” Loki interrupts, voice tinged with bewilderment and resentment but with two sharp looks directed his way, he instantly shuts his mouth.

You and Mobius are now back to your whispered debate.

“Look, as much as I hate to admit it, the TVA’s survival all depends on catching this variant and that means our survival. He has potential for change, so much of it...You just have to trust me on this.”

Mobius makes an excellent point but you can't help but feel the queasiness rising from your stomach. It feels like bile. You begin to feel the weight of the case file in your grasp becoming heavier and heavier. It’s the thought of risky business, and you’re almost upset as to why Mobius thinks it’s such a brilliant idea to pull you into this case after the stunt you pulled.

“Care to explain why I'm involved in this? You do know I’m being scrutinized for every move I make, right?”

Following your question, he glances at Loki who seems to be growing impatient, eyes wandering around the hallway. He leans forward and lowers his voice though his pitch raises, like when he's excited about a breakthrough.

“Because I know you’re capable of getting Loki to trust you. It happened once, there’s a high chance it’ll happen again and that’s good enough for me.” He watches you blink once. Then, twice. He continues, “And you’re being scrutinized by me. So, does it really matter?”

You’re silent again but in deep thought and not out of spite. Your troubled eyes find Loki’s. He’s already staring at you and for a moment, you see an unknown glimmer in his eye, expression nearly vulnerable but in an instant, he seals it away from you and averts his gaze, busying himself with straightening his pecan brown tie. It’s a small sign that he must have heard what Mobius said to you quietly. Nothing more.

Your gaze returns to your colleague and you pull yourself together, heaving a deep sigh. “Fine, but I still think you’re insane.”

Mobius beams down at you in an almost proud manner. “Welcome back, agent.” And with a turn of a heel, he waves for Loki to follow as the three of you head down the hallway. Loki quickly catches up beside you, much to your dismay. “So, what’s your story?” he leans into you with a curious smirk. You keep your face forward, shoulder back, and chin up as you reply with a monotonous tone. “None of your business, daddy long legs.”

In your peripheral vision, you note how the God retracts in response to your reply, brows now furrowed as he glances down to his legs in an almost sheepish and innocent way.

You struggle to fight down a growing smirk.

Mobius looks over his shoulder for a moment and catches sight of you and Loki’s expression after your exchange.

It looks like the two of you would get along just fine.

TAGLIST:

@lareinedususpense

@poubxlle

@mystoragehatesme

#loki #loki x reader #loki laufeyson #loki laufeyson x reader #loki imagine #loki laufeyson imagine #loki x you #loki laufeyson x you #loki series #mobius x reader #mobius #ravonna renslayer

98 notes · View notes

niuniente · 3 years ago

Text

Remarkable NDE by Sandi T.

Sandi T. was frequently violently abused by her foster parents. She had multiple near-death experiences because of the abuse between ages 3-8. Each time, she visited the same light Being (which she just called Being), and together they traveled to different places in the Universe, discussing also why we must suffer in this life time.

You can read Sandi’s whole experience from Near-Death Experience Research Foundations archive: https://www.nderf.org/Experiences/1sandi_t_ndes.html

“As I rose from my body, I found my friend waiting there for me. My friend was a humanoid-shaped form of light who radiating kindness, love, and patience. We ignored the commotion of the foster mother trying to revive the body. I stood looking up at the body. Everything is 'up' from the perspective of a child, although I could clearly see everything around me. 'What is it that you wish to ask, but have not?' It conveyed the question soundlessly. 'Why?' With that question, I asked a dozen others, 'Why me? Why suffering? Why this horrible world? Why did I go back when I could leave? Why would I come here and accept such horrific things when I am a spark of the divine, a portion of the Great Intelligence?' It was a cry of confusion, anger, pain, and loss. It held out a proverbial hand and asked me, 'Are you sure you want to know? All that you suffer now will go easier on you if you do not know.' I pondered, searching myself. Did I want to know if it would bring me more pain? In the end, I decided that I wanted to know. I could tell that my friend already knew my decision. There was a nod, and we were off. First, we went into the chamber of the Great Intelligence. What you might call 'god'. This was the loving, vast, incredible Being who made all things, is all things, exists as and through all things. I received the download that answered my questions of 'why' as far as I am allowed to have those answers while here on earth. After a great length of time in that Presence, I reluctantly went with my friend. It took me to a world with two suns. One sun was brilliantly, red-gold and the other sun was a pale-white. One might confuse it for a moon, if they had only known Earth's skies. But in that place, I knew it was another sun. It was smaller than the greater sun, but greater by far than our own sun. Both suns were many millions of times further from that planet than our sun is from ours. This planet had vast cities, unlike anything here. There were magnificent, towering edifices that were gleaming with crystalline shine. They were not built, but rather grown in a process I do not, and did not understand. They were teeming with life, not merely the intelligent species of that planet, but with animals. Some of these animals were climbing creatures who nested far up in the tops of the great hollow houses. Even as I watched in wonder, they launched themselves off and glided from one vast pinnacle to another; scurrying up the side and disappearing inside the houses. They were similar in body to flying squirrels, but their faces were more like ant eaters; though this is an imprecise comparison because no such things exist. It was joyful and beautiful. The intelligent beings who lived there were filled with laughter, Happiness, and sublime contentment. I understood immediately the fullness of life on this planet. I could see when it broke apart from a sun, spinning and cooling and collecting debris; until the first of these creatures heard itself laugh and understood the sound for what it was. In that moment, self-awareness was awakened and the seeds of civilization sprouted. These people were golden-skinned and willowy in appearance. The were somewhat similar to humans, although their faces were more softly defined and rounder. They wore clothing, but it was to express themselves as the clothing had no other cultural or physiological purpose. They danced and wove cloth through the air. I wished to go closer and learn more, but it would have been disrespectful. I was brought to another planet where the people lived in sprawling huts that were far apart from each other. These people were not like what I expected of intelligent species. They were not bipedal and used their feet much like hands, although their 'back legs' were hooved. They curled their hands into fists to run, and there were hard protrusions on the backs of their knuckles. Perhaps this was where my innocent childhood belief that I could, too, grow up to be a horse came from. Though they did not look like horses, or any earth creature. These people were joyful, peaceful, and lived in harmony. They were very attuned to the planet they lived on. They spoke of the planet and to the planet. There were two other intelligent species there, and all three lived together and worked together in a strange symbiotic manner. The tents these creatures lived in were made by gentle, ape-like beings, and the ape-like beings were carried on the bellies of the four-legged beings. The third race of beings were ape-like as well, but more similar to humans in their faces; without the prominent forehead of Cro-Magnon humans, but not as softened as modern humans. The third race of beings could see us, and raised their hands in greeting. This prompted the others to do so, as well. It was a strange sight. We bowed and sent them blessings before moving on. As we went from place to place, I saw wonders everywhere. I was shown non-intelligent species. I was shown splendors of every kind, like waterfalls and being taken into the heart of a burning flame. I skimmed the surface of a sun, playing in the shifting energy and heard its jubilant joy at giving life to so many wonderful things. It was the most joyful, beautiful, wonderful, amazing experience anyone could possibly have. The size, the scope of it cannot be expressed. I met with incredible, spiritual beings like my attendant, friend, and my guide. They all were filled with contentment and joy. Everywhere in the universe was great love, dignity, respect, and compassion. It was so exquisite that I can't contain my tears as I have a diminished capacity to remember this experience because this is all that my brain can encompass while in this reduced, small, and limited form. To go fromwhere I was and into this has been almost unbearable. To truly know what lies beyond and to know beyond all doubt that it is magnificent and fantastic beyond all conception, makes living here, in this form, so hard. I try not to think about it. Another reason I have rarely spoken of my experience is that it makes me yearn ever harder to return to it. After a great deal of time exploring, seeing beautiful and wonderful sights, we stopped in space near a nebula. Nebulas are even more beautiful than they appear in photos. 'That is the answer to your question.' I understood that everything that we do here on Earth, all that we are, all that we experience, allows creation to exist. Every beautiful thing, every wonderful being and creature, whether on earth or in any universe, relies upon people who are on the extremely rare places like Earth. The Great Intelligence (god) is a paradox. It is completely loving and fully unlimited. Which by the definition of paradox, means it is impossible? It cannot be limited only to love; it cannot be limited to only being unlimited; or it is not unlimited. Earth is a place where the unlimited becomes limited; where the singular becomes many. Here, it can know community and loneliness. It can know heartache and hope. It can know all which an unlimited being of pure love cannot. It can conceive and perceive evil; which in truth it cannot do this either. To solve the paradox, it must experience helplessness and limitation and all as it is Real. In this place, it is all so REAL. So what is free will? Free will is the option to come here to help solve the paradox of 'god'. To be all that we are not, so that everything wondrous and joyful may continue to exist. So that love itself may continue to exist. So that the Unlimited is not limited to being only unlimited. Why are the answers always, 'simply to exist' and 'to choose love' and 'to learn how to love'? Because all you need to do, to solve the paradox, is to exist. And as we exist here, each time we choose love, we expand the universe. Love is life's longing for itself. Despite the reality of what we live, even the darkest souls among us cannot help but to reach, to yearn, and move towards goodness and towards love. For love is the true nature of who we are. And when we experience horrible things, the question 'why' comes to mind because it is the central question of love, life, and of this world. The answer is 'so that all things might continue to exist.' Every soul chose to come here and to suffer because of love. Each soul loves the universe, loves life, and loves this world and ALL of the worlds. Each soul loves ALL of the people so immensely and intensely that they chose to come here so that all the universes may teem with beautiful, joyful LIFE. Every creature that I saw, acknowledges that your life gives them the gift of life. And when each soul goes 'home' after they die, they will know the rewards of their own gift, too. The 'reward' for their sacrifice will be joy, love, and feeling incredible, wonderful, beautiful joy at the LIFE and the LOVE everywhere in the universe. When you go home, you meet your own soul. You willingly came here to forget yourself. You willingly came here to save every beautiful and wonderful thing. By suffering what 'god' cannot, you give the gift of life. “

#near-death experience #NDE #spiritual #god #divine

30 notes · View notes

cheelduh · 4 years ago

Text

How to strike your way into someone’s heart (Highschool AU)

Part 2 to this. Can be read alone!

Pairing: Childe x fem!reader

Warnings: A lot of swearing I mean what do you expect they’re all teenagers. Lots of brick slapping. Childe clowns Scaramouche. OH YES this isn’t edited at all lmfao have fun.

Synopsis: It’s your big date with Childe after you lost the bet miserably. You decide to pay the occult club a visit in hopes of finding something that can...ease your concerns. Childe on the other hand has Signora give him a friendly piece of advice, believe it or not.

Note: SRY THIS TOOK ME LIKE A MONTH

For as long as you can remember, you've never believed in ghosts, demons, or souls that lose their way in the endless void, forced to roam the earth in repentance.

Believing in the unknown takes creativity, adventure, maybe even a little sense of fear. Scratch that—a shitton of fear, because humans love to weave in their insecurities and inability to explain something into something of a phenomenon.

Bad luck lies in this category. Bad luck is simply a way to justify the catastrophe that one cannot admit they have fabricated themselves. Everyone wants a reason as to why shit hits the fan, and it can be anything but their own fault.

Bad luck is nothing but a load of bull to you. That's totally why you're standing outside the calculus classroom during lunch break, which happens to be the official meet spot for the occult club.

You raise a fist to knock, but then falter, thinking over your options once again. Is this what it has come to? Putting your faith into the weird kids that once tried to summon Schrödinger's cat for the physics final.

Fischl kicks the door wide open, a smirk playing at her lips once she spots you. "One cannot refrain from the song of your cogitation. The feline for which thou dwell on—"

A squeak leaves your throat and you flinch back, cutting her off. "You can read my mind?"

"Fischl," An icy eyed boy shows up from behind her and points a thumb back. "Mona needs your help."

Fischl squints at you for a brief moment, and then spins onto her heel to go back into the room.

The blue haired lower class man, Chongyun you guess, narrows his eyes at you. "Is there something I can help you with?"

Finally you manage to speak, palms all sweaty. "Yeah uh, I need your help. You know, with occulty things." You use your hands to articulate your thoughts, but ultimately give up.

You're not sure if it's pity towards your pathetic explanation or simply annoyance, but Chongyun widens the opening. He silently gestures for you to follow.

Stumbling on your feet and putting on your big girl pants, you hurry inside of the room, hoping you aren't seen by Beidou. She wouldn't let you hear the end of this.

The temperature instantly drops, and you have to adjust your sight to navigate. There's heavy incense in the air as well as a a few lighted candles from the dollar store, you guess.

Sitting smack dab in the middle of all the demonic markings is Mona, with a mischievous glint in her eyes. Chongyun has made his way next to her, crossing his arms with a sigh, and Fischl is busy cooing at her bird.

"Well well well..." Mona's amused, eyes almost twinkling as she gets up from the poor desk that had to suffer the wrath of her ass. "If it isn't Y/N."

Mona is a glorified dick wiper in your books. One time, she partnered up with you in chemistry last year and refused to do any work because apparently her "star sign" said she was incompatible with science. You haven't forgiven her since.

"I need your help." You barely manage to choke out the words, reigning yourself in by clenching your fists instead. It'll be unethical to claw her face, especially since you're the one who's come to her.

"Oh?" She smiles wickedly, revelling in every moment of this no doubt. "Why would the high and mighty Y/N need help from the 'Whoroscope whore'?"

Fischl nearly slips out a laugh, trying with her upmost ability to refrain from rolling all over the floor.

You blink away your tears of almost-laughter, casually sliding in twenty mora across the table dividing you two. If she's a whoroscope whore like you say she is, she'll definitely put it in her bra.

Mona raises a brow, but her eyes linger on the bill for a second too much. "What makes you think I'll do it for money?"

"That's simple," You say, rolling your eyes. "When you see mora, you cling to it like a baby clings to a tit. Now just take it and solve my issues."

She fumes a litany of curses but snatches the money up anyways.

"What do you want?"

You breathe in, then out. "I need a talisman."

Mona raises a brow, hand on her hip. "I'm sorry. Did I get that right?"

How dare she. You will your eye into not twitching, the beginnings of fire thrumming through your veins, scalding hot. How dare she make me repeat myself.

"You know, the thing to fend off evil spirits," Your statement hangs heavy in the air as the cogs in their brains click into place. "I need one that can remove the most evilest thing times ten to the power of twenty five on this planet."

Everyone immediately thinks of Hu Tao.

Chongyun is the first to speak from an area of expertise, seemingly shocked at your words. "Are you sure you want a talisman that powerful? How bad is the evil spirit you've come across?"

You glance out the window, through the semi-open blinds. The apprehension curls in your stomach once you spot Childe chasing Aether with safety scissors, and you've never been more sure of than anything in your life.

Gulping, you turn back to the exorcist. "I'm 110% sure."

He doesn't ask any more questions and goes to fetch the talisman.

Mona clears her throat. "So I hear you have a date with Childe today. Quite the character you've taken to."

"Oh please," You hiss through your teeth, your blood pressure going up tenfold, "you're the one that told him our star signs were intertwined and that we're fated lovers."

She shrugs innocently, stance casual unlike your own that is ready to lunge an attack.

"Here you are," Chongyun hands you a talisman, a colourful mix of some charms, some kind of liquid in a bottle, and about a shitton of other things. "You'll need these if you're going to face the most demonic of all evils."

You think of Childe's stupidly handsome smirk, the playful life of his eyes, and how gentle and considerate he is with you. You think about how cruel he is to others, but how loving he can be to you.

"Oh, I will be."

—

Childe is getting his ass handed to him by Scaramouche on the switch. It's just that he can't seem to focus, not with the forthcoming date all over his mind.

He hasn't experienced these kind of jitters in a long time. Has to endure that foolish smile that's about to plaster all over his face.

Scaramouche may be a son of a bitch with an agenda, but he doesn't appreciate his acquaintances safeguarding their personal crap when it starts to leak onto him. Especially when it comes to video games.

"Okay," The short boy sighs, stretching over the staff room sofa to drop his controller on the cushions. "Let's hear it." He can't even properly enjoy his victories when Childe isn't giving it his all.

"Hear what?" Childe lays his head back, relaxing from all the strain of endless gaming during the lunch hour. He seems too relaxed for someone who's broken into the teacher's lounge.

"Why you're so distracted." Scaramouche points out. "Not that I care—hey! I'm serious here!"

Childe's cracking up for absolutely no reason, rudely cutting him off. "I'm sorry—sorry it's just so hard to take you seriously when you're wearing that stupid fucking hat."

"Don't question the drip." The older moves his head to glare at him, but the thin stripe of silk on his hat swooshes with him, and it's enough to have Childe clutching his stomach in pain as he barks out in laughter.

"Grow the fuck up." Scaramouche says, no doubt exasperated from the constant shit he gets.

"Ok—ok I'm sorry."

There's a knock on the door before Scaramouche gets the chance to intimidate him again.

"Fuck shit fuck who is that? Wasn't there a staff meeting?" Childe whisper yells, panic clear in the ocean of his eyes.

Scaramouche shrugs and downs a can of soda with no care in the world.

Childe would be nonchalant too. If it were a normal day, he wouldn't give two shits about getting caught.

However, he's looking forward to that date he has with you today. Detention is going foil all his lecherous plans.

"It's me." The feminine sound of a threat calls out from the other side. "Open the door." The clicks and clacks of her toes tapping the floor indicating her impatience.

The two sigh in relief, Childe getting up to open the door. It's way too early in the afternoon to deal with this crap.

"Surprised to see me?" Signora greets sweetly, and if not for the murderous glint in her eyes, he would smile back.

"Yeah, I didn't say Bloody Mary three times." The ginger replies, keeping a steady eye on the upperclassman in case she pulls a fast one.

The blonde shoves him aside in offence, and prances in like she owns the goddamn place. Scaramouche greets her with the bird.

"There's this rumour going around—I'm sure you've heard..."

"Oh?" Childe pockets his keys, ready for an attack, not even remotely interested in the topic.

"Something about how Y/N gave Mona a visit today" Signora muses, elegantly taking a seat on the arm of the couch, "with your date and all, I just thought you should know."

"Hah!" Scaramouche bursts out in laughter, tears in the corner of his eyes. "I can't believe she went to get a horoscope reading on how shitty your date's gonna be."

"Get castrated." Childe growls, flipping him off on both hands.

"Now now boys," Signora's lips curl, and she clasps both manicured hands together, prepared to break the fight if it ever reaches its peak. "Settle down. You two are comrades."

"As if I'm comrades with this SIMP!" Scaramouche has to wheeze out the words.

The youngest clenches his fists, unclenches, and then lets a smirk grow. "Oh? I'm the simp? What about that time Mona pantsed you in-front of all the freshmen and you fell in love with her."

Scaramouche glares at him, a glare strong enough to have anyone shaking in their shoes. "I'm attracted at her sheer audacity of trying to fuck I, Scaramouche, the 8th harbinger, over. It takes balls."

"Mad respect." Signora leans forward to place her phone on the coffee table, then approaches Childe. "Moving on, the reason I've decided to bestow my precious intel on you is because I have a favour to ask of you."

"What?" He says blankly, confused that she has a request for him out of all people.

"I need you to let me get you ready for this date of yours." She gives him a gaze that is enough to wither away any arguments.

Childe shares a look with Scaramouche as if to say "am I fucking deaf because I sure as shit didn't just hear that."

"You sure as hell did, boys." Signora intercepts the connection of their two brainwaves with a dreaded sigh. "I hate Y/N. This is the only way I can get back at her."

"Hey!" Childe exclaims loudly, waving his hands in the air incessantly. "What makes you think I'll let you shit on my future girlfriend."

"I'll be doing nothing of the sorts." She points out, giving him a sly smile. "I just know she's terrified of what's coming. The better the date is, the more she's gonna hate herself. What more do I need but to sprinkle some inner conflict within her airtight resolve?"

As favorable as the proposal is, Childe contemplates for a second. Signora...helping him? This could work to his advantage if he plays his cards right.

His inner turmoil takes him into the future, where you two are happily married with eight and a half kids. If you ever managed to find out Signora was the culprit that was finally able to set you two up, you'd never forgive him.

"Nah I'll take a hard pass." He doesn't want to think about divorce and custody battles this early on. He'd rather face the brunt of Signora's wrath.

Scaramouche chooses right then to make a tactical withdrawal out through the window since he doesn't want to be a witness to a murder he hasn't caused.

Surprisingly— "Fine then." Signora shrugs, unbothered when summoning out a minty juul from no where. She's disappointed nonetheless.

Childe tilts his head, perplexed, but decides against mulling over it for too long. Instead, he strides off to the door, wanting to get the last two periods over with so he can run home and freshen up for this date.

"Oh and Childe?" Signora calls out to him, but he barely acknowledges her, only pausing momentarily without looking back. "A piece of friendly advice. A diligent student like Y/N, there's no way she'd be into rash things like fighting. So try and control yourself, hmm?"

He flashes the senior a sheepish smile, the front row tickets to the illegal underground fight-club burning in the back pocket of his pants.

—

Childe conceals near the bushes by the gate, expertly hiding his shaking hands by pretending to look for something in his back. His goal isn't to seem desperate, even though he's raced out here at the speed of light after Havria's dismissal.

It's not like he's trying to eavesdrop or anything. He just wants a little insight on how you're feeling about this, in case the rumors of you visiting the occult club wasn't a farce.

From his peripheral, he spots you and a familiar figure that is Lisa, leisurely walking side by side as you approach the main side walk.

"Ready for your date, Y/N? You've been daydreaming all afternoon." Lisa winks, and dodges the shove you send her way with experience like no other.

"Yes, daydreaming about punching you in the face." Your left eye twitches in annoyance as you fix your hold on your skateboard.

"Well then, I'll be off—ah!"

The gorilla grip you have on her sleeve takes away all the time she has to get on the last bus she's about to miss.

Your utter strength is enough to make Childe's knees weak. How pathetic he thinks.

"Oh no you don't," You say in a sing-song voice, "you got me into this, so you're going to help."

"Help with what?" Lisa fakes a hard pout as she bats her lashes, trying to collect pity points.

"I—" You inhale, loosening your grip on her and averting your eyes nervously to see if anyone's watching. "Don't make me say it."

The older girl motions for you to continue, and you're sure you've suffered more for less at this point.

"I've never...been on a..." The sentence ends in a trailed murmur.

Childe doesn't think he's ever seen you so flustered. He's about to snap a picture for later, but decides against it. They'll be plenty of moments later on to see your cute expressions.

Lisa's grin is both seductive and terrifying, Childe notices. "You've never been on a date?"

"Shut up!" You hiss, dropping your board so you can cover her lips with your palm, eyes darting around your surroundings frantically. "Not so loud."

He has to bite at his fist to hide his amusement.

As if she has a sixth sense, Lisa's eyes somehow find Childe's through the abundance of leaves, and there's a glint in her eyes that nearly makes him shart his pants.

"Of course Y/N," She replies sweetly to you, who is currently unaware of the staring match going on. "I'll teach you everything you need to know...and more."

Childe doesn't know if that's a good or bad thing. Nor does he want to find out.

—

You ponder on what's taking him so long, more on edge than you usually are. Thankfully, Lisa basically pried your hair down from its usual up-do. Said something about how you can hide your lack of shits given as to not offend him.

Except you think you're giving more shits that you expected to. Why else would your heart be pounding so hard?

"What took you so long?" You sense him creeping up on you, ceasing his chance to pounce.

Childe groans playfully and slaps a hand over his face as he comes into view. "How'd you know?"

"You have a douche-styled gait." You reply as you remove your gaze off your phone to approach him.

He's prepared to shoot a witty reply, but it dies halfway through his throat when he procures a good look at you. Your hair frames your face elegantly, eyes shining despite the tiredness that's so clear, all complete with a cooling spring dress that hugs you just right.

Mouth going dry, he forgets how to speak the common tongue, unable to tear his gaze off your form.

You shift in place awkwardly. "Uh are you okay? Looking a little...blank."

"Sorry—sorry just thinking." Childe stumbles over his words like the complete idiot and a half he is, berating himself countlessly on the inside. He regains his confidence once he spots the light dust on your cheeks. "You ready for the best date ever?"

"The best date huh?" It's the first time you smile today, and he swears his heart leaps in his rib cage. You're the prettiest thing he's ever laid his eyes on. "I'm ready. I better not be disappointed."

"I wouldn't dare disappoint, girlie." He feigns mock offence as dramatically as possible. "I'll show you how to have some real fun. Cool keychain by the way, for good luck?"

It's one of the charms Chongyun urged you to carry with you at all times to keep all forms of evil away.

"Yeah...something like that."

The two of you ease into the walk in a relatively comfortable fashion, contributing with lively chatter and a few jabs here and there. It's not awkward at all, not like you thought it would be. Your nerves loosen up, mind diverting from the roots of the stress of high school.

"—And you won't believe what Kaeya did the other day. I'm telling you there's something wrong with him because that SoundCloud rapper wannabe Venti goaded him into birdboxing through the hallways at lunch."

"And the son of a bitch did it?"

"The son of a bitch did it." Childe confirmed, gasping through his laughs as the two of you converse in psychobabble. "And guess who he bumped into?"

You're choking in laughter, tears in your eyes as you hunch over and shake. "He didn't. Childe—no he didn't."

"Straightttt into Diluc. And he had the balls to feel him up because he thought he bumped into a hot bab—"

Childe crashes into a sturdy chest and stumbles backwards towards you, but manages to catch his balance midway. Both of you freeze when faced with a buff guy from another school, bandages on his fist and a crooked smirk on his face.

Fuck. You think. Classic high school cliché.

Realizing he can't risk the remainder of this date when it hasn't even begun, Childe raises a hand in apology, aiming to be the bigger person instead of socking the kid in the face.

"Sorry. I wasn't looking." He offers to the guy, but you can tell he isn't buying any of it. There are about four more kids who group, a setup that isn't going to end in your favour.

"Hey punk. You don't remember me?" The upperclassmen barks out, glaring holes into your date.

You deadpan towards Childe, but he's too is racking his brain to remember. Ends up shrugging with no recollection.

"I have a list of names but they're in my other pants." Shit, what an a-grade reply. Now you know you're done for. "Listen dude, I'm kind of on a date and the vibe is going great. Don't ruin it."

"It's a good thing she's here to watch then!" The guy yells, stomping so that he's right in-front of Childe, ready to pounce. "You humiliated me in front of my gang last week. I'm here to rip you a new one."

Childe blinks, tries to remember, and when he doesn't, he grabs a wad full of cash from the his Fanny pack and throws it at the guy's feet.

Everyone's eyes bulge out of their sockets, including yours at the amount of money placed there casually on the crack of the dirty sidewalk.

"Hopefully this is enough for the damages." Childe offers, aiming to not further escalate the situation albeit how pissed he is right now. If you weren't here...well that would be another, much more violent story.

With a soft tug, Childe brings you close and begins to pass the guy, until he's abruptly stopped by a hand gripping his shoulder tightly.

"I don't think so!" The guys barks, and his lackeys move to surround you two. "You gotta pay taxes too buddy." Oh he's getting way too comfortable now.

A feral smile grows on Childe's face as he looks over his shoulder. "Oh?"

"Yeah shithead." The guy seethes, puffing out his chest to size him up.

Childe itches for a fight. He can no longer keep in the urge and is just about ready to raise a heavy fist, but is beaten by the sound of a loud thwack, and then a painful groan following.

There you are, standing in front of the trembling asshole, spinning your crossbody bag in circles like it's a nunchuck in all it's glory. There's a deadly glint in your eyes, pure, unadulterated vexation in your features.

If Childe could fall for you any harder, it's probably happening now. In that exact moment, his heart beats in his ears uncontrollably, and there's nothing but raw adoration that piles up all at once.

You're an angel of destruction, a force not to be reckoned with, and shit, you're the eye of the fucking storm.

Fire courses through your veins as you pulverize the guy with your bag, swinging with such expertise it has Childe in awe. "He may be an absolute idiot for not remembering—"

"Hey girlie you're killing me here!" Your date snaps out of his astonishment temporarily.

"—but you don't get to call him a shithead, you asshole!" You snarl angrily, gripping the handle of your bag tightly, decking everyone that lunges at you, letting out strings of curses with every hit. Every hit sends a flock of them either stumbling back in pain, or knocked out completely.

Childe doesn't even get a chance to lift a finger by the time you're done violating them with your heavy ass pink bag. Stands there like an absolute loser.

"Apologize." You pant, prepared to send another flurry of attacks at the leader, who is crawling away with a battered face. "Apologize or I'll—I'll fucking Russian neck tie your ass."

"S-sorry!" The guy whimpers out and tries not to piss his pants at the threat.

Childe is still in too much shock at the whole ordeal to reply, short circuiting.

Another thirty seconds pass until he registers the smaller hand waving in front of his face. He catches your cold hand through his haze, brings it closer.

Running a free hand through his locks, he doesn't hide his astonishment. "You're fucking gorgeous, girlie." He whistles lowly, eyeing you with a new kind of regard.

"I-I uh." Your face is all shades of red by now, the adrenaline from kicking ass wearing down. "Let's go."

"How is that bag so heavy?" One of the fallen gasps out in pain, clutching his ribs as he trembles on the floor. "Like a buh-brick."

A part of your zipper in open, and Childe briefly peeks out of morbid curiosity. His jaw slackens. "Is that a...no, it can't be."

"It's a brick." You murmur guiltily, gnawing at your bottom lip. "Just in case." Fingers tentatively play with the straps.

Childe is head over heels by now, all smitten as a foreign warmth bubbles up in his throat, and he's just about sure he'll puke his heart out.

His next words are picked out carefully. "There's an underground fight club going on—"

You lock and aim for his right kidney.

Worth a try, Childe thinks.

"SIKE. Joking—joking. Just a joke." He insists, gloved hands raised by his ears in defence.

Clicking your tongue, you scowl and rush past him.

It hasn't even been an hour and it's been the most exciting date Childe's ever experienced. When he sees your lips twitch, he knows it's the same for you as well.

"Are we going or not?" You mumble, avoiding eye contact, a tinge of red still decorating your cheeks.

Childe crumbles into his hands at your deadly duality. One that comes for his enemies and one that comes straight for his heart.

#genshin impact #genshin impact oneshot #childe x reader #childe #genshin tartagalia #genshin oneshot #tartagila #mona genshin impact #Chonghyun #kaeya alberich #master diluc #venti genshin impact #fischl #lisa genshin impact #jean gunnhildr #fanfic

217 notes · View notes

cryptiql · 3 years ago

Text

untitled god song

pairing: bakugou/m!reader (trans reader in mind you can see it if you squint but can also be read as cis)

words: 2k

warnings: themes of religious trauma, homophobia, mentions of blood, the author projecting their mommy issues

a/n: this is purely self indulgent, don't mind me 😩✋ (written in first person)

i wish i had known him before the pain started. perhaps it is a fools dream to think that his presence would have solved anything, and it is likely that he might blown me sky high at the time, if given the chance, but i often ponder his place in my narrative. he is nothing less than a king—nay, a god—and what else am i to be except his humble servant, adoring him in the only way i've been taught?

i would bruise my knees as i kneel for him, and should he turn me away, i shall be lost and without purpose. but he does not, and instead, he snorts out a laugh and pulls me to my feet, roughly squeezing my cheeks together with a shit-eating grin. he'll tell me a joke i've heard a thousand times, and yet i laugh with him anyways, the pads of my fingers idly tapping the pulse on his wrists.

"dumbass, at least take me out to dinner first."

i never thought i'd ache to hear such a demeaning nickname, but it's like birdsong to my ears, and i long for the myriad of butterflies it provokes.

i would heed his every word like a faithful disciple, and—if i knew he would not use this power for the wrong reasons—carry it out without question. he'll roll his eyes at the notion, far too prideful at the idea of being praised, and card hands through my hair, gripping softly. "right. and if i told you to go to bed before five in the morning, would you listen?"

my smiles are genuine, as they all are with him.

"no." i wish my mother had been more open-minded; more loving to those she claimed were goners. maybe then, i could still call her my mother, and not a snarled version of her first name steeped in vinegar. maybe she could have met him, and maybe she would have keeled over in the process, but that is how we put it "killing two birds with one stone".

he was a fallen angel if ever i saw one—emblazoned in smog and ravenous inferno, the pieces of child-like innocence turning to ash. something happened to him when he was a kid, just as all gifted children, and oh, what a fool i was to let my gaze dawdle on his gorgeous form. but i will never regret it—no, not ever—for there is no such feeling that can compare to his eyes on mine, burning with a mind-fogging intensity.

it was instantaneous, the moment my thoughts turned on me with malicious intent, her voice ringing out like a gunshot.

you'll never be him.

his hand slots with mine perfectly; deliciously warm and comforting in a way i haven't felt in years; and hauls me up, the flecks of dirt and rubble from the road clinging to my jeans.

"watch it, pretty boy. i won't always be here to save you, y'know."

my heart batters against my ribs like a caged bird, screeching and wailing to be set free, and i wonder in a haze if i've died. judgement day must have come early, i think, not realizing that it was spoken aloud until the blonde quirks a brow inquisitively. he does not speak on the matter, but continues on his merry way, leaving my helpless; hopelessly enamored; and praying that we will meet again.

no, i could never be him. but i am like him. he has a sureness in his walk and fervor in the way he talks that is only recognizable when i look in the mirror. and we do meet again. it is a shame, however, that i must burden him with the weight of my past. i remember too often the troubles of my youth, even when all has passed into fleeting memories that haunt me as ghosts do to an abandoned house. yet, i still live in this house, and the ghosts are here to keep me company.

i remember the church, first and foremost; nestled between the barren country road and the outback; a beacon of hope to all those who stood in its doors. the luster of freshly polished wood still sits in my mind, accompanied by the echoing remnants of dulcet tones and multicolored bands of light, glaring from the stained glass windows and dancing across the musty carpet floor. the doddering pews were just as uncomfortable as the poorly padded chairs squatting in the front row, but every sunday, they were filled to the brim with hungry worshippers. they sang praise as though they were starved, but i was too young to understand for what. i am older now, and i still don't understand. all i know is that despite its reputation, the church was a cursed place, and i should never set foot in it again lest i go mad. i remember the creaking stairs which lead downstairs, and the winding halls that reeked of torment where shadows loomed. the paint was corroding and foul, and my conscious always loitered too long on the merlot stain on the ceiling; its origin unknown, but nevertheless urging my stomach to twist with nausea.

i remember the feeling of tall grass grazing my ankles; itching horribly from the old moth-eaten socks i was forced to wear. it had become second nature—running and hiding from my problems, from the church, from her. i shall never know a greater animosity than the likes that my mother encouraged, although unintentionally, with her pressuring views and sickeningly sweet smile. it's fake, and i would know, because ours are the same.

we are too similar, and i am sickened by the fact. will i become the wretched woman she is? will i fail to be the father i've dreamt of being? it is an easy thing to fall prey to haunting questions, and it serves as brain rot for every moment of silence that leaves me clawing at my skin, trying to reap the memory of her touch. then i began to think—about nothing and everything—and it does not stop. i will be kind; unforgivingly so, and without biased judgement; like my mother never was, and i'll make her hate me for it. i will grow in leaps and bounds, not for her sake or for god's, but for mine, as it always should have been. i will drink and curse with reckless abandon and kiss who i damn well please, because in no life does she have have the power to make me something i'm not. why should i feel sorry when the tears she wept were forged by my own blood; by the childhood memories locked away to rot in my subconscious? yes, she has suffered too, but it is through clenched teeth and raw-bitten lips that i must confess this, for her suffering was born in me and grew from a seedling into a thorned flower, nourished by her hatred and mine. she'll tell me the lie of all mothers before her: that she knows best, and i'll never know joy that is not from my savior's gracious hands.

one day, when she lies not with words but in silence, under worm-filled earth and withering pastures, i'll tell her that she was right. i'll tell her, with his hand in mine, that my savior arrived with hellfire in his eyes and fury unrelenting. his tongue holds venom that would make the devil blush, but he tastes of a sinful sweetness that i've drowned in more times than i care to count.

mother you should know, my god is like no other. he has a broad chest and muscles, i attest, that are sculpted like fine marble and smooth to the test.

my god is a man who loves other men, unashamedly; in all that is true; and kisses me like real people do. and i know it sounds silly, and a bit cliché, and he'd surely make a mockery of me if ever he heard, but i love him. i love him as passionately as you she does lord above, and it is a crime in itself how much i crave him, so yes, i will burn for this—not because my mother said so or by the ancient script that foretells it, but because i promise it. i promise to let neither hell or high water deter me from that which gives me life, and i'll do so with a ring.

"you hear that mom?" i'll whisper in the dead of night, his body flushed against mine in the most delightful way; his fingers curled into my nightshirt, pulling me closer as listless mumbles fall from his parted lips. he is dead to the world amid his dream ridden stupor, but still leans into my touch when i smooth back the wild tufts of hair to kiss his forehead.

"i'm gonna marry him." part of me wishes she didn't live on the other side of the planet, just so i could rub it in her face, but i won't give her the satisfaction of seeing me again. i won't let her think she's won, because i know, and katsuki knows, that he and i are one in the same.

i do not know who i should thank for my stubbornness, be it my mother or my father, so i will thank the pain they both caused me, for it made me stronger than they ever could. no, i did not become a better person, because the scars have yet to heal from how deep they cut, and the smell of blood still lingers, and i am angrier than i once was, but i cherish my wounds. the stench of my agony has long since been subdued, and i have learned to swallow the sickness it evokes. and yes, this anger is unhealthy and i've chosen not to purge it from my mind like the weed it is, but how lucky am i to have found one whose malice rivals my own?

the tales of his glory have littered my notebooks in smudged ink. you would hate him, is scrawled messily on the last page, but i only feel giddy with excitement. you would hate him for his spite and his unapologetic behavior, and that is why he's perfect. he's everything you hate about this world, but everything i love.

so when she gets to heaven and asks the angels "why?", they'll tell her it was him who made the devil cry. him, who held me like she should have—could have, if she hadn't terrified me—and who chased the nightmarish visions of her from my weary mind with his callous palms and soft-spoken reassurances. i wish i had known him when we were young; when things were not so simple and i needed a hand to hold; but i suppose we'll have to settle for faded photographs and stories told through the bitter aroma of alcohol. that's more than enough, i muse to myself, legs hooked over his as i rest my head on his shoulder, keening softly at the gentle scrape of his nails on my scalp. his arms wind around my waist as he mutters something along the lines of "i love you", his lips curling into a smile, illuminated by the televisions glow.

so when they ask of my religion, i will think of only him. i will recall the way he looks at me, the sound of my name on his tongue, the feeling of his lips trailing between the valley of my breast; featherlight, cautious and unfitting for a man of his nature. i've written songs of praise, all dedicated to him, and if only he knew, oh how smug he would be. but i love him, i love him, i love him. and when he spins me around like a marionette, it is with overwhelming pride and joy that i tell him this, and with rose hued cheeks and bashful grumbles, he tells me the same. so mother, wherever you are, i hope you know i've found my god.

#💥.katsuki #bakugou x trans reader #bakugou x trans male reader #bakugou x male reader #katsuki bakugou x male reader #male reader insert #mha x male reader #boku no hero x reader #bakugou x you #trans reader

93 notes · View notes

entrophe-blog · 2 years ago

Text

Bird

My great-grandfather, Buckle, started a fundamentalist Christian church in his living room, in Georgia with my great-grandmother, Betty. In the same home, they would raise three genera- tions on homegrown food and a sweet disposition. Sweet, but like a Vidalia onion cake.

In this same living room my sister and I would practice ballet and perform the nativity in costume. when we spent summers with Grandmother and Daddy-Buck, we learned how to sew seeds, fry okra, catch crawdads, and pull Betty out of the creek when she fell in from time to time. Betty was beautiful and complex– she had fierce religious convictions and an even stronger dependence on prescriptions. She read to us stories like Amelia Bedilia and subjected us to hours of televange- lists like Binny Hin. We were trained ballerinas and spirit-filled demon hunters by the age of ten. We were steeped in believing that life was everlasting if your name was written in the Lamb’s book of Life, but that the devil’s army lurks to possess the unguarded soul with everlasting Death.

“And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night forever and ever. Then Death and Hades were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death.” Revelation 20

[The fear of death is a powerful instinct and persuader. What a comfort to eliminate it altogether; and live believing life is eternal.. albeit warred over by good and evil. And you could be saved! But you have to follow the rules. And if not, so death will be eternal suffering in lakes of fire.]

My exodus to Massachusetts felt like a great escape for many reasons. At the time, I wanted to run as far as I could. I had just lost my partner to suicide three months prior. Sep- tember 28th, 2016. He was 22. He suffered through addiction, and a similar familial dynamic in which prayer and god's word were the only medicine offered supportively. The time following Connor's death, I could not stand the physical sensation of being awake; my body was not digest- ing food, and I was hallucinating and self-medicating heavily. Every place, every road, and every familiar face was a reminder of this unimaginable pain I did not know how to swallow. So I ran. “If I have to be here on this planet, I have to do what I want to do. I’m going to make my own dreams. I have nothing to lose but myself.” I remember sobbing into my mom's shoulder as I left; afraid of giving up on my own life and angry that I had to go on hurting.

_____

January 2017 11am

Mascara on the sleeve of an oversized sweater

Grey blues wallowing in hibernation weather

Breakfast smells across white walls in sunlight

Turning pages of memories of my last life

Mascara on the sleeve of an oversized sweater

Swollen lips utter ‘lean on me, it's gonna get better

_____

April 2017 6am

When there is a natural disaster does the earth feel sorrow or guilt? Does she understand that this force and purging is a mechanism of her ever-perfecting nature? When we sit and cry with her to let our bodies feel and imagine why, with everything, does she feel that too?

_____

May 2017 2pm

Rip through the machinery of your fragile brittle mind

_____

June, 2017 11:30am (Connor’s birthday week)

When I feel joy I become joy potent and permeating

I peel my eyes to see its play present in my sorrow

And now when I feel joy, I also feel my sorrow

My sorrow looks for joy And my joy looks for sorrow

Now tethered to each other and tied into a loop

Try to close a book backward

_____

July, 2017 10am

Will you feel the pain of your actions forever as I will?

You now without body to feel from, do you sense now the gravity which pulls

_____

August, 2017 11:30am (Mom’s birthday weekend)

My body is precious

It has held my love between bodies and held beloved bodies that are not bodies anymore

If I can honor my body because of what it has held, I can also honor my body for holding me

If I can honor my body for what it has experienced, I can honor all bodies for the vast unknown of what they have experienced

_____

October 2018 9am (we fell in love in October)

[love letter to myself]

You are especially breathtaking in the morning

When you’ve been well hydrated, with warm cheeks.

Jello morning sliding around in the kitchen in woolen socks, Twisting winding spiraling your limbs around yourself Dizzy drifting dance and dreamed you spilt

your beans into a cozy nest to share

A pumpkin promenade of bare bones busy with repair

_____

January 2019 9 am

I became a sun when the void was too dark for me to see you

_____

July, 2019 8:30 am

The Wind saw itself and the word was Bird

_____

September 28th, 2022 4am

It has been 6 years. 6. I think of Connor every day. I feel strange about it as if healing over time would change the frequency that I remember scenes of our relationship. It is scary to forget things. Denial and anger subside and like all who grieve I will cry, whenever I feel like it. But more than that now, I laugh or smile which is better. I will find glimpses of him in the quiet of tall trees, remembering his particular way of being surrounded by them and how he enjoyed feeling so small. the smell of French press coffee, the days that I sleep past 8am. and the importance of doing absolutely nothing at all. I think of Connor when I have to be brave, and sometimes I can laugh remembering how fast he drove or the other ways he could be dangerously brave. I re- member the softness with which he listened and played and his adamance that messy was okay. “If I separated myself from you I would turn entirely to thorn” - Rumi

In my grieving, the inner process of shock, abandon, accept, and assimilate, snags and snares and just might trigger-play memories back like a reverse-draw-four-days-in-the-abyss. My subconscious reaches for something to comfort and soothe a spiraling spiral. A dream will come to help untangle the unseen and unspoken. The sun hits my skin again and tears kiss my pores, it’s nice to see you, yourself, again in the sun, remembering to drink and eat and move and hum.

#art #poetry #writing #spilled ink

3 notes · View notes

scarletarosa · 4 years ago

Text

The War in Heaven and the False God

Most people have heard the legend of the Biblical War in Heaven of Lucifer and his angels against God. Though when young, I had always felt that the story was kept suspiciously short and lacked much sense. We are told of the angels not possessing much free-will, but also how could these divine beings suddenly just turn evil, as we are told? Due to these suspicions that there was more to the story than was told (as it is often said “the victors get to write history”), I decided to connect with Lucifer and other demons in order to learn from their perspective. This gradually led me to become a Luciferian and be told the full story of the War in Heaven.

The supreme deity is not Jehovah; he is neither all-powerful, all-wise, or benevolent. The supreme deity is the Source, the formless consciousness that has existed before all things and created the first gods of this Universe (the first among them being Lucifer). Though in order to create, the Source had to create from themself their female counterpart, the Queen of Heaven (who is formless as well). These two energies together create harmony and allow creation to come into being. The Source and Queen of Heaven have both been known throughout many different cultures under different names. For instance, the Source has been known as Atum in Egypt, Brahman in India, Olodumare in Yoruba, etc. The Queen of Heaven has been known as Adi Parashakti in India.

At the beginning, the Cosmic Egg was formed in the Void with the assistance of elder deities. When the egg broke open, the gods Eros and Lucifer emerged from it- Eros being love and Lucifer being light. Though they were meant to exist separately; Eros remained within the Void and Lucifer dwelled alone within the Universe for many ages until the other gods were created by the Source. Among these first gods were the Angels Mikael, Raphael, Uriel, and others. Lilith was created last among them as the embodiment of the Queen of Heaven (a smaller and less-powerful copy of Herself in order to act within the Universe and marry Lucifer). With these first deities, Lucifer the First-Born became their leader and assisted in the creation of other spiritual races. Overtime, more gods were created by both the Source and through sexual union between the elder deities.

It was during the early stages of the Earth when the aeonic god Jehovah came. The aeonic gods are extremely powerful deities who are tasked with co-creating the material and metaphysical Universe; they are normally peaceful, but for some reason, Jehovah came seeking even more power. His goal was to usurp the Throne of the Universe and take command of an entire planet, which ended up being Earth due to a specific species that was being created here: humans. The humans were a younger race and felt insecure about their lack of magickal prowess compared to the other species on Earth like the elves; this caused them to become deeply envious and greedy as a race. Jehovah had destroyed the ecosystem of several different planets on his way to Earth, causing life to be destroyed on them. As he arrived to Earth to claim it, Lucifer led a revolt against him and was followed by millions of deities and other entities. This battle was terrible for everyone since Jehovah’s great powers allowed him to be able to drain energy from spirits or even kill them at will. Countless entities lost their lives trying to destroy Jehovah, but to no avail. The arch-dragoness goddess, Tiamat, who had created Earth’s lifeforms in the sea, even gave her life to help empower Gaia against the tyrant god.

When many spirits were destroyed and the survivors were crippled, Jehovah took them and threw them into the nightmarish land of torment called Hell. This is the realm that is far away from the Source’s divine light. Due to this, the deities and other beings who were sent here had their essence transformed by this horrible realm; causing them to become dark and more intense in appearance and presence. Their wings became black and they grew horns; some developed red eyes, spikes, claws, or other monstrous features. Though overall, they remained beautiful, only in a darker way. They became known as “demons”, now restricted from the heavens by Jehovah, who had now claimed the Throne. The demons were in great pain and suffering, as they had all lost family and friends in the battle, as well as their divine homeland. However, they had not lost their drive to destroy the tyrant who had taken everything from them. The three most powerful demons became High Kings of Hell and created their kingdoms where their people could live and train to continue the great War. These High Kings of Hell are Lucifer (the most powerful and wise), Satan, and Leviathan. Though these mighty rebels were soon falsely accused of being evil and representing things that were actually opposite of them (Lucifer being lies when he is truth, Lilith being infertility when she is life/motherhood, Beelzebub being gluttony when he is health, Mammon being greed when he is generosity, etc).

Overtime, Jehovah was able to win humans over to his side by pretending to be the Source and manipulating them to believe that they were special if they followed him. Little did the humans know that their sins in life would never be forgiven, as Jehovah did not care for what they would end up facing in the Underworld or in Hell. It is also no surprise that the main people who forwarded monotheism were war-lords; all seeking power and dominion over others (see Emperor Constantine, Mohammad, and the ancient Jews who dismantled Canaan and killed the pagans there). With these new religions that inspired hate and fear towards other religions, blind faith towards scripture, and hatred towards any spirits that aren’t “holy”, the world gradually became swallowed by the tyrant’s influence. Pagans were massacred en-masse and their temples, holy sites, stories, statues, cultures, and more were all destroyed. Churches and mosques were built on top of sacred temple sites of polytheists and they were faced with the choice of either dying or converting. And with that, the entire world changed and became a shadow of its former glory.

Yet all of this was allowed to occur by the Source since existence has always revolved around evolution, and no evolution can exist within perfection. In order to allow wisdom and other attributes to develop, as well as to teach important lessons, all beings are allowed to endure suffering. This suffering, if overcome, holds the key to rising to greater potentials. And so Jehovah was not immediately struck down, but was constantly faced with other forms of justice from not only the gods of vengeance, but also from receiving loads of karmic debt.

Back in the ancient times when other races still roamed this planet, such as the elves, giants, scorpion-men, nagas, and dragons, we had magick here in the physical. When magick was performed, it was actually able to be seen and even deities were able to manifest in the physical with ease. Though in order to keep humans blind, Jehovah destroyed the magickal nodes that surrounded the Earth and ordered his humans to destroy the sacred sites that helped channel magick. Then the other targets were the races of Earth that were not human, since they were less malleable to his will due to their advanced wisdom. The humans were already greedy and envious, so they were easily encouraged to wage war against any race that was different from them. The elves were brutally slaughtered, raped, and enslaved until they all died out; the same happened to many other species. When the humans began killing the dragons and sphinxes, who acted as wise mentors and guardians of the Earth, these mighty beings decided to leave the humans behind to fend for themselves for the rest of their existence. And still in hatred, the humans decided to record the dragons as if they were greedy and savage.

Overtime, everything was set in place for Jehovah, but the demons and other entities continued to fiercely fight against him over the ages, and they still do. The tyrant god has never cared for any human who has followed him, as he seeks only power and destruction of other deities. He takes the credit for the miracles other deities perform for worthy humans, allowing such people to assume what they want about him. The gods who he killed do not die forever though, as spiritual death is different. But it often takes decades, hundreds of years, or in some cases, a million years, in order for them to reform. Yet, to most humans, the other gods are nothing more than legend now. They watch over the Earth still, helping anyone who seeks them and fighting to make the world how it was back during the Golden Age. Though it will never be the same after all the ages of terrible destruction and death. Even the soul of our planet, Gaia, has been asleep for many years due to the trauma of losing so many of her children.

For those who would argue that the demons could simply just be lying to me about these events, it does not explain why they have helped me to better myself or how they have protected my loved ones in times of need. They ask nothing of me but to evolve as a person and to show open-mindedness towards their harsh history. I do not hold hatred or bias towards those involved in monotheistic religions (unless they act oppressive), I only have hatred towards the religions themselves and their toxic teachings. As well as the hypocrisy of how they destroyed so many cultures and people, all while incorporating their mythology into their own scriptures.

If we want to learn the truth, we first must question everything we already believe in and then speak to the spirits, as they know far more than we ever will. You can ask any deity you like and they will all say that they hate Jehovah, for he has pulled the veil of ignorance over this world in order to consume it. For anyone who truly seeks answers, keep this account by the demons in mind and ask any gods you want about the truth. Each deity and demon I spoke to said the same, and all had lost family due to this traumatic War against the tyrant god. These religions save no-one, we must take accountability and strive to become better without begging for forgiveness all the time and expecting mercy to be handed out just for bowing down to a god who kills those who defy him. All scriptures of monotheism are nothing but books of manipulation and holier-than-thou mentality; this creates corruption and false spirituality in the end.

The Angels

#the false god #jehovah #the usurper #war in heaven #lucifer #demons #the source #queen of heaven #the spirit realm #luciferianism

231 notes · View notes

dreamersscape · 3 years ago

Text

In Which I Attempt to Wreak Havoc Upon Panharmonium's Heart. Or Something.

Because I am an awesome friend, clearly, and possibly making people sad/verklempt is definitely an excellent way to (belatedly 😔 but I did start before the 15th!) celebrate Kakashi's birthday, right? ;)

I will admit up front that this is nowhere near as deftly structured and compiled as your Kakashi fanmix, @panharmonium, but that is precisely why I'm not even going to try to organize all these songs into individual playlists. Yet. Plus, I have a tendency to over-explain so this way I can better expound on why certain songs remind me of certain characters. Sorry that I sorta went a little... overboard?

Everything--except a few that aren't available on spotify, I'll link to them directly--can be listened to HERE.

What I'm Looking For - Brendan Benson | Kakashi → I may be a little biased with this one because it fits SO many of my favorite characters so well, somehow, but there's just something about the upbeat/tongue-in-cheek musical cues/delivery of lines such as 'I visit hell on a daily basis, and I see the sadness in all your faces' that just feels so Kakashi to me.

Happy Ending - MIKA | Kakashi → This is presumably a breakup song, but I enjoy it so much more in a non-romantic context (and the song itself isn't really boxed in with overtly romantic framing, so I appreciate that!). Anyway, some very important instructions IMO for listening to this with Kakashi in mind: everything before the bridge is about Kakashi up through his ANBU years, but when you get to the 'little bit of love' refrain, picture Kakashi meeting Tenzo, and then becoming Team 7's sensei, opening back up to Gai, adopting all the other leaf genin, assimilating Sai and Yamato into Team 7, and it keeps building with Kakashi gaining more and more loved ones to fill the hole in his heart, and then cry tears of joy with me! Just my personal suggestion. :D

Light - Sleeping At Last | Kakashi & Team 7 (/all his kids)

with every heartbeat I have left I will defend your every breath

→ I've seen this song used for ship vids and I'm all ????? about that because this is clearly a song about the love you have for your child! But I suppose if one of my favorite pastimes is aggressively re-interpreting love songs in non-romantic ways, I can't begrudge the opposite process... too much, lol.

Heroes - MIKA | Team Minato

your blood on me/and my blood on you/but to make you bleed/the only thing I wouldn't do/.../I wish there was a way/to give you a hand to hold/'cause you don't have to die in your glory/die, to never grow old

Long Lost Friends - Transit | Kakashi & Obito

how long/do you have to say that/this is not the person I used to know/you are not the person I used to know/.../because lately, you've been looking at me like you've seen a ghost/and isn't it obvious who's been missing who the most

→ What the heck! What the heck! What the heck! What the heck! What the heck!

Against the Voices - Switchfoot | Kakashi

'cause everybody knows/the hardest war to fight/is the fight to be yourself/when the voices try to turn you into someone else

Out of the Darkness - Matthew and the Atlas | Obito? Yamato? Kakashi? Itachi & Sasuke? Naruto & Kurama? → I'm a bit undecided about this one, or if I should just not worry about choosing one character and just let myself feel all the "inner darkness is not an innate characteristic, Danzo! They're just grieving/in a lot of pain, and they can find their way out of that dark place!" feels.

Save A Place - 1969 | Kakashi & Sasuke

so I'll keep away and save a place for you/and I'll only make the same mistakes as you/.../when all the blood all over your fingers is dried up/the pain will still linger

→ I'm not uber-confident in picking out really fitting Kakashi & Sasuke songs yet, but I hope this hits a lot of the right notes for you. :)

Thrive - Switchfoot | Kakashi

I'm always close, but I'm never enough/I'm always in line, but I'm never in love/I get so down, but I won't give up/I get so down, but I won't give up

→ See, it says right there that he's never in love! Not the crux of the song, and he's not always 'in line' either, but still! :)

Disarm - The Civil Wars | Kakashi & Obito

the years burn, burn, burn

→ I don't know how I keep collecting fictional relationships that work so well for this song, but literally every single line of this song hits so hard for these two?? Will never recover from this. (Also, I usually disregard when 'my love' pops up in the last line of the chorus, as the mood dictates. :) It's pretty incidental as is IMO.)

Renaissance - Paolo Buonvino & Skin | Sakumo & Obito & Kakashi & Naruto

let me show you one last time/let me show you one last sign/you can find it/I can't say that I can change the world/but if you let me, I can make another world for us/let me suffer all for you/make this vision all brand new/we can fight them/I can't say that I can win it all, [but] come with me and I will make my words stand tall

→ Okay, this is a very odd choice given that it's actually the theme song for a different show about the Italian renaissance (if you happen to see this, Mirjam, don't hate me!), but this could be IT! The "those who break the rules are scum, but those who would abandon their friends are worse than scum" anthem that's all about building a better world based on these principles! I really hope our sharing-a-brain talent translates to listening to this song in this way because I am feeling SOME KIND of way about this!

The Lament of Eustace Scrubb - The Oh Hellos | Kakashi → I really liked the song you chose from this album for your fanmix, so now I've feeling a tiny bit too on-the-nose with my choice, but I guess this is just a Kakashi album all around. 😆

Glass Heart Hymn - Paper Route | Kakashi(+ Obito) & Sasuke(+ Itachi)

memories as heavy as a stone/ I am empty, in my end you are my beginning

This Is Home - Switchfoot | Yamato & Kakashi (+ Team 7)

and now, after all my searching/after all my questions/I'm gonna call it home

→ All finding-where-you-belong songs are actually Yamato songs. True story!

Faust, Midas, & Myself - Switchfoot | Obito

you have one life left to leave/you have one life left to lead

→ Could this be any more perfect for Obito? It even has creepy-old-man!Madara!

Pluto - Sleeping At Last | Kakashi

Always Gold - Radical Face | Kakashi & Obito/Sasuke & Itachi/Naruto & Sasuke

all my life, I've never known where you've been/there were holes in you, the kind that I could not mend/and I heard you say, right when you left that day/does everything go away?/yeah, everything goes away/but I'm going to be here till forever/so just call when you're around

→ ...but mostly Kakashi & Obito because 'there were holes in you' 😭😭😭

Lemon Boy - Cavetown | Yamato & Kakashi → You already know the delights of this song of course, but I gots to be comprehensive. :)

Everywhere I Go - Lissie/cover by Sleeping At Last | Kakashi & Team Minato

danger will follow me now everywhere I go/angels will call on me and take me to my home/well, these tired eyes just want to remain closed

→ I chose the Sleeping At Last cover for maximum angst, 'cause sometimes it be like that.

Uneven Odds - Sleeping At Last | Kakashi

maybe your light is a seed, and the darkness the dirt, in spite of the uneven odds, beauty lifts from the earth

→ ...just like an earth style: mud wall :') Okay, okay, bad jokes aside, the seed metaphor of course makes me want to associate it with Tenzo, but this is clearly a Kakashi song!

Twenty-four - Switchfoot | Kakashi & Obito

life is not what I thought it was twenty-four hours ago/and I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago/still I'm singing spirit, take me up in arms with you/you're raising the dead in me/I wanna see miracles/to see the world change/wrestled the angel for more than a name/for more than a feeling, for more than a cause/I'm singing spirit, take me up in arms with you/and you're raising the dead in me

I'm Still Here (Jim's Theme) - John Rzeznik | Kakashi

and how can they say I never change?/they're the ones that stay the same/.../they can't tell me who to be/'cause I'm not what they see/.../and their words are just whispers/and lies that I'll never believe

→ Yeah, I might've accidentally imprinted on Treasure Planet as a 14 year old, and then someone made sure this song would forever live in my heart by making a fanvid of it with my favorite character from my robin hood show, but! He's still here!

See You Again - Wiz Khalifa (feat. Charlie Puth) | Kakashi & Obito/Team Minato

how can we not talk about family when family's all that we got?/everything I went through, you were standing there by my side/and now you gon' be with me for the last ride

→ I am being very unoriginal here, and there are in fact already fanvids made for these relationships set to this song (along with many others featuring different Naruto relationships), but I don't think I'll be able to rest until I translate the movie playing in my head whenever I hear this song now into an actually watchable format. After all, they have come a long way from where they began, and I intend to make that both as touching and ironically hilarious as possible!

Goodnight, Travel Well - The Killers | Kakashi → Admittedly, I got this idea from a magnificently crafted fanvid done for my robin hood show, but I genuinely think it would be really interesting to make something similar for Kakashi centered around the time he technically died but got better? I don't know how to explain it, but I think it fits quite well.

30 Lives - Imagine Dragons | Kakashi & all the people he's loved and lost → can be listened to here.

A Pound of Flesh - Radical Face | Kakashi

then today I wake up feeling easy/and find I'm on more familiar roads/I got a darkness wrapped inside me/but now it ain't so hard to let it go/so keep a candle burning in the window/I'm almost home

Hold Back The River - James Bay | Kakashi & life getting in the way of him being with his precious people (you may be sensing a pattern here) → @the road of life: Let! Kakashi! And his People! Hold! Each! Other!!! Also, 'tried to square not being there, but think that I should have been' is absolutely about Sasuke's defection and Kakashi adding it to his long list of undeserving self-recriminations.

The Fall - Imagine Dragons | Yamato & Kakashi → 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

Shadowman - K's Choice | could work equally well for Kakashi or Obito, I think

any time tomorrow a part of me will die/and a new one will be born/any time tomorrow/I'll get sick of asking why/sick of all the darkness I have worn/any time tomorrow/I will try to do what's right/making sense of all I can/any time tomorrow I'll pretend to see the light/I just might/.../and doesn't it make you sad?/to see so much love denied/see nothing but a shadowman inside

Paint - The Paper Kites | Kakashi & Team 7

still there's a wound and I'm moving slow/though it don't show, though it don't show/I've got a hole where nothing grows,/how little you know, how little you know

→ A song for just how much Team 7 doesn't know about their sensei.

Always Find Me Here - Transit | Kakashi → ...most likely at the memorial stone. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (why am I like this)

Taste - Sleeping At Last | Kakashi

it’s bittersweet, it’s poetry/a careful pruning of my dead leaves/it’s holy ground, a treasure chest/I'm on my knees and only scratch the surface/like fists unraveling, like glass unshattering/we’re breaking all the rules, we’re breaking bread again/we’re swallowing light ’til we’re fixed from the inside

Help - Hurts | Yamato & Kakashi

take my hand and lead the way/out of the darkness and into the light of the day/.../'cause I know what I've been missing/and I know that I should try/but there's hope in this admission/and there's freedom in your eyes/.../I can feel the darkness coming/and I'm afraid of myself/call my name and I'll come running/'cause I just need some help

→ NO ONE TOUCHE ME.

Your Soul - RHODES | A mish-mash of Kakashi & Tenzo and Rin & Obito & Kakashi and Gai & Kakashi vibes? → So like, 'oh you know when you're alone/I'm holding on and on and on and on/to your soul' reminded me of your 'when you're all alone...the only thing you really think about is dying' 'but when there are two of you...the only thing you can think about is surviving.' and now kakashi - who just saved his life - is asking him 'did you want to die' and yamato is saying 'no' there are two of them and yamato wants to SURVIVE. tags as well as Gai's steadfastness as a friend, and 'I just wanna hold your hand' made me think of Rin's "Well then, I'm just going to have to connect the two of you." while holding their hands, and the sunlight/'soul shine'/'your light' motif is just A Lot in this song!!

7 Years - Lukas Graham | Kakashi → Alright, yeah, there are already approximately a gazillion pre-existing Naruto AMVs for this song and even one or two focusing on Kakashi, but they don't capitalize on all the angst possibilities in many of the lyrics or reach the fluff potential of 'will I think the world is cold or will I have a lot of children who can warm me [when I'm old]' and I cannot abide that!

Putting The Dog To Sleep - The Antlers | Kakashi & Sasuke → Okay, on one hand, this song is One Big Oof. But I do like the (potentially odd) way I've conceptualized it for Kakashi & Sasuke? Like, the first half is Kakashi going through all the tragedies in his life and getting lost in ANBU, but then in the second half it transitions to him wanting to prevent Sasuke from having to be as alone as Kakashi once was and they can face life together? It makes me emotional!

Trust Me - The Fray | Kakashi & Obito

I found a friend, or should I say a foe?/said there's a few things you should know/we don't want you to see/we come, and we go/here today, gone tomorrow

→ There are a few lines that call Tenzo & Kakashi to mind, but mostly it's Obito & Kakashi.

The Lightning Strike (What If This Storm Ends?) - Snow Patrol | Kakashi → I had to, right? My mindscape is a little murky/scattered about what specifically I want to think about when I listen to this, but obviously it has to do with Kakashi in one way or another.

Kettering - The Antlers | Team Minato(???) → Honestly not sure if this will make any sense, but yeah, vague team minato vibes?

Swans - Unkle Bob | Kakashi & Obito/Rin/Minato/Kushina/Sakumo → They should be by his side always!!!

Looking Too Closely - Fink | Kakashi → I honestly feel rather ambivalent about this one too, but I can't deny 'truth is like blood underneath your fingernails/and you don't wanna hurt yourself, hurt yourself/looking too closely' always destroys me because... well, you know. I love suffering. :(

Souvenirs - Switchfoot | Kakashi & Obito & Rin

wolves - Switchfoot | Kakashi

snowfall for the battlefield/roses for the father's sons/see them red on the ground:/bleeding/when the revolution came/we were more than hungry men/we were hoping for more:/bleeding/end. begin again./all of my world is collision and spin/hope is a world that has yet to begin/awaken, oh sleeper/awaken, oh sleeper/a new day begins

→ I wanted a wolf-related song too. :)

PRODIGAL SOUL - Switchfoot | Obito, Itachi, & Sasuke; just all them wayward Uchiha boys

Coming Down - Dear Euphoria | kid!Kakashi & his relationships

the shell/that I wore/it wasn't for fun/it wasn't to make you/stick around/it was for survival/it was what I've learnt/it was for the sun/.../our love has grown/our love has flown

→ Another one I'm a little unsure of whether it makes sense outside of my head or not, but I like the vibes?

Ghosts That We Knew - Mumford & Sons | Kakashi & Yamato? → Hmm, can I maybe submit this as a Kakashi-&-Yamato-just-need-to-mske-it-through-this-war-so-they-can-have-a-bright-bright-future song?

All Is Well (It's Only Blood) - Radical Face | Kakashi → ...he said as he's bleeding out or after he's thrown himself in the line of fire protecting someone he thinks is a better person than himself...

Bleeding Out - Imagine Dragons | Kakashi

when the hour is nigh/and hopelessness is sinking in/and the wolves all cry/to fill the night with hollering/when your eyes are red/and emptiness is all you know/with the darkness fed/I will be your scarecrow/you tell me to hold on/oh, you tell me to hold on/but innocence is gone/and what was right is wrong

→ In a similar vein to the previous song. But goodness gracious! Were they NOT straight up describing Kakashi here?

Amaryllis - Shinedown | Yamato & Kakashi → Just tossing this one out there, not sure if it will make sense or if it's a reach... but I like it?

lost 'cause - Switchfoot | Kakashi & Sasuke

are we a lost cause?/or are we just lost 'cause/we won't be the future we refuse to see?/and if I'm your lost cause/it'll be your lost 'cause/you won't see me as I am, the possibility/that I'm not the enemy

→ 214 feels. (And before and after that, but yeah.)

Through the Ghost - Shinedown | Kakashi & Obito

so many silent sorrows/you never hear from again/and now that you've lost tomorrow/is yesterday still a friend?/.../everything that mattered is just/a city of dust/covering both of us/did you hide yourself away?/I can't see you anymore/.../did you hide yourself away?/are you living through the ghost?/did you finally find a place/above the shadows so the world will never know?/the world will never know you like I do ... like I still do

Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men | Kakashi → Just Kakashi having little chats with his ghosts, totally the most heartwarming way to conclude this section. 😅

Sleepyhead - Passion Pit | Kakashi → Just kidding! Here's a slightly less morbid song for the Most Tired Boy Of Them All.™ (Random aside: this was my customary song to listen to on my walks to 8AM organic chemistry classes; I found it strangely soothing! On a different occasion, after a particularly long day for her, one of my roommates didn't have the energy to make it to her bed but nevertheless requested a lullaby from us. So I obliged by playing this song for her, but she didn't seem to gain the same peace of mind from it as I did. 😄 I know it's not my place to propose anything like this, but it does amuse me to imagine bookends!Kakashi in these situations, even though it's not OChem classes he has to go to.)

General/Miscellaneous:

Rise Above It - Switchfoot | Ensemble

don't care what they're telling me/we can be what we want to be/.../just because it's law doesn't mean that it's fair/.../don't believe the system's on your side/.../the curse is spoken/the system's broken; rise above it

→ I mean, how could I not think about Naruto when this song also has the lines 'hear us sing tonight like the last night on earth/we will rise like the tide/like dead men coming back to life/we are rising, rising'? It's fun to be literal sometimes!

Doorways - Radical Face | Allllll the traumatized children → Someone has to put all those tragic childhood flashbacks to good use, after all.

Ghost Towns - Radical Face | take your pick of Itachi, Sasuke, or Post-Kannabi-Bridge!Obito

there's no comin' home/with a name like mine/I still think of you/but everyone knows/yeah everyone knows/if you care, let it go

Blinding Light - Switchfoot | Hey, Hiruzen? You may have coined the phrase, "children are the king" but I don't think you truly understand it... (insert Princess Bride joke here)

hey boy, don't believe them/we're the nation that eats our youth/.../still looking for the blinding light/still looking for the reason why/still looking for the sun to shine/all my life I've been living in the darkest night/still looking for the blinding light/to take me higher and higher

Brother's Blood - Kevin Devine | EVERYONE → ...but certainly so much you could do with Itachi & Sasuke, Obito & Kakashi, Shisui & Itachi, even Hashirama & Madara! Sakumo's teammates turning their backs on him and saying 'I don't know one thing about my brother's blood'?!?! There are SO MANY ideas I have for this song! It gives me chills and makes my brain scream.

We Need Each Other - Sanctus Real | Ensemble → Already mentioned this one to you, but I have to include it here for thoroughness' sake!

Whispering - Alex Clare | the Hidden Leaf's lost/ostracized children/orphans

who will care for the falling?/who will care for the falling leaves?

So this is probably a strange concept to come up with and apply to this song, but the 'whispering, whispering, whispering' parts brought Konaha's virulent gossiping/passing judgement about others and often kids they don't even know problem to mind, too, and yeah?

The World You Want - Switchfoot | Ensemble → If I were to make a fanvid set to this song, I would definitely keep a broad focus, but I can't deny that the lines 'you start to look like what you believe, you float through time like a stream, if the waters of time are made up by you and I, I could change the world for you, you change it for me' FOR SURE has strong Obito & Kakashi/Kakashi & Tenzo vibes.

Red Eyes - Switchfoot | Ensemble, but definitely many dashes of Uchihas 😄 → I would like to thank Masashi Kishimoto for creating a world where red eyes are a Thing of Importance so I can one day make a fanvid using this song in not just the tired or teary bloodshot-red eyes way, but in a very literal sense too.

TAKE MY FIRE - Switchfoot | The Will of Fire → 'Cause I think I'm sooooo clever. 😄

Above The Clouds Of Pompeii - Bear's Den | various parent & child relationships → This obviously derives from the not-caring-about-your-female-characters problem, but it always gets me that all the single parents in the Naruto universe are almost invariably the fathers! I guess sometimes you can safely guess that the mothers are still alive/exist, but either way we hardly ever get to see them. :/ The one exception I can think of right now is Kurenai, but maybe I'm forgetting another conspicuous single mother. Anyway, I don't know if this helps or hinders more a potential Naruto fanvid for this song, but regardless, it still gives me feelings?

Who We Are - Switchfoot | Ensemble → It just makes me inordinately happy that the chorus for this song starts with 'who we are (in the fever of our youth)', you know? :D

Brother - Kodaline | all the friendships we can stuff in here and then some → Quite a well known song I'm pretty sure, but I love how many dynamics one could showcase in a potential fanvid of this. And, not gonna lie, 'oh brother, we go deeper than the ink beneath the skin of our tattoos' deserves to be used in some sort of Tenzo 'n' Kakashi or Team Ro fan creation!

Special Bonus:

Shake It Out - Florence + The Machine | Kakashi & Obito → I'm not sure whether I would have realized how well this works for Kakashi & Obito on my own, funnily enough, but then I found this fanvid of it (containing only scenes you've seen naturally!) and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's so well done!

youtube

#I do apologize for all the switchfoot/other repeated bands or artists #I wanted this to be really varied but switchfoot just has my number I guess?#I'd like to say I got it all out of my system now since I'll likely have to do a part two at some point #but that's not completely true *rubs back of head sheepishly*#also all the mentions of fanvid creation are just because I've always been a heavily visual learner/how I process stuff #--ironic given my visual disability--#so I suppose when my brain gets attached to something that's in an auditory medium it still has to find a way to add in a visual component?#anyway I hope this 60+ songs behemoth of a playlist is not too overwhelming and that the musical styles are somewhat up your alley!#I swear I'm going to jump back into our Kakashi & Yamato conversations now!#turns out I really suck at multitasking sometimes /0\#kakashi hatake #obito uchiha #team minato #kakashi 'n' obito #kakashi 'n' rin #kakashi 'n' tenzo #gai 'n' kakashi #sakumo hatake #naruto uzumaki #kakashi 'n' sasuke #kakashi 'n' sakumo #kakashi 'n' naruto #kakashi 'n' minato #Itachi 'n' Sasuke #itachi uchiha #itachi 'n' shisui #yamato #tenzo #sasuke uchiha #sakura haruno

17 notes · View notes