#overall they just made her too normal also. she should be more unhinged

[aleatoryw]

mmmm I've decided that the ending of dark disciple sucks

[akiraink-no]

Empires SMP-Spirts/Fae AU

Hey! So I was watching Shubble’s stream(right after her first episode and as she was playing, I got some ideas for the Empires SMP!  Note: I haven’t watched everyone’s episodes on Empires, but I highly suggest that you check them all out. Pearl and Gem’s videos on Empires are some of my favorites, but I also love Shubble, Scott, fWhip, and Pixlriffs.

Initial World-building:  I like to think that the Empires SMP is a story of spirits/fae/royal courts. For example some of the players would be spirits or fae creatures. (Think Scott, Shubble, Jimmy?? And maybe Pixl), and the rest would be normal, human players that are royals. (Again, fWhip, Mythical, Pearl, Katherine, Joey, Gem, etc…)  I’ll start with the fae creatures first and if I’m up to it, I’ll post my ideas for the others. 

Scott Smajor: Ice/Wind

So in my head, I like to think that Scott is a fae creature from the court of ice and wind. (Mostly because ice powers are cool and because he’s in a mountain). He has explicitly stated that he’s building in an elven sort of style, which can still match with him being from a fae court. 

Personality: 

I would like to say he’s cold, calculating, and even ruthless or cruel at times (He murdered Gem after she died, guys, come on). He sees the people around him as assets that can help him, but he doesn’t form a real connection with any of them just yet. Everything is very strict and formal around him

I like to think that because wind spirits are pretty mischievous and free spirited, he has a softer side to him as well. He likes to pull pranks, but doesn’t know when too far is too far. His pranks can border on cruel and sometimes insensitive, but it’s because wind/ice spirits are probably the most detached from the other spirits

Appearance:

As for his appearance, I’m taking his skin as part of my inspiration. I like the idea of him in whites, blues, golds, and silvers. He has a crown of diamond shards that mimic ice and is held together with silver and gold that mimic branches. His robes are mostly white(representing snow) and there would be a trim of blue for the skies above his lands. He might have either arm bands, bracelets, or rings that are made of silver or gold(representing the times when the sun or moon hits the snow). 

Powers(?)

Because Scott is an ice/wind spirit, I think it would be cool if parts of him would reflect that. Maybe his skin is super pale and cold to the touch. Maybe he doesn’t wear furry coats because he doesn’t get cold. 

The air around him gets colder when he’s angry or stressed, and if he gets really pissed, he could make it start to snow around him. When he’s sad, ice starts to freeze the ground under his feet or plants around him. Maybe it gets windy when he’s happy or dies down when something shocks him

I also think it’d be cool if he had like… frost walker(?) on his feet. Like the water freezes should he get too close and he doesn’t even realize it until someone points it out. It makes travel easy for him, but also an annoyance when he is doing a build or getting a bucket of water

Shubble: Nature/Decay

So Shubble’s kingdom/empire is called the Undergrowth. When I think of that, I think of mushrooms, soil, roots, and trees. It’s pretty close to what she’s planning right now. Her style of building gives me very cottage core vibes that’s very overgrown. I like to think that she’s a nature spirit because she has said that nature provides and that just seems like a very spirit thing to say. 

So I know I said decay, but when it comes to decay, it has an interesting look to everyone. Sometimes it’s bleached bones and withered grass, sometimes it’s spongy soil and mushrooms. I like to think that Shubble is the kinder side to decay(That’s saved for someone else). Something that must happen for the cycle of life to continue, she isn’t ruthless or cruel, she’s just trying to help the earth along.

Personality: 

Shubble would be very kind, sweet, and overall very trusting. That doesn’t mean she’s stupid or naive, it just means she’s willing to be kind to people first and give them chances to show their kindness. (I spent a long time in her chat during her streams and… yeah, wholesome energy). 

She doesn’t see the people around her as assets and rather hopes to make friends rather than enemies. I won’t say she forms connections quickly(mostly because I haven’t seen her interact with others just yet). But she is very trusting. (remember fWhips potatoes and Pearl’s shovel). During her stream after her first episode aired, she talked about hoping to be friends with Katherine from House Blossom and is aiming to stay as peaceful as possible during the time of the server. 

Appearance: 

So I haven’t seen her skin yet(mostly because this is coming out before we see it.) But she’s using a lot of browns, yellows, greens, and reds. I would like to say that her outfit would sort of reflect that. Instead of a crown of precious gems and metals, it’s maybe a crown of twigs, branches, leaves, and maybe some smaller mushrooms. (Antlers would be cool, so… ) 

I don’t think a dress would work, since she does a lot of work around her base. (Her stream was having her working with trees, leaves, and mining), so I think maybe a pair of overalls (maybe a brown?), a yellow/red undershirt and maybe a dark green jacket. Her outfit would be perfect for her to get on her hands and knees and dig into the earth(Gardener! Shubble). 

Powers:

I feel like because Shubble has this overall sweet and kind energy, I think mushrooms would grow from around her feet. Maybe she can sense when things are about to pass on and tries to make them as comfortable as possible. She can communicate with the earth below her(again, nature provides), and can speak with the animals to some degree

I would like to see spore blossoms react to her. Since spores are also the seeds for mushrooms, it’d just make sense in my head. Maybe she can coax plants to bloom or grow slightly faster around her if she’s happy. Maybe when she’s sad, things start to wilt or shrivel up. Her anger makes things die or age rapidly around her. Her touch can either harm or heal. Knitting the body’s wounds or it could tear into them, causing them agony. 

Jimmy: Ghosts/Decay

I like to think that maybe Jimmy started out human. Or maybe he’s half human. Like one of his parents was human and the other was a fae. (It would certainly explain his skin) 

Personality:

So I haven’t watched a lot of Jimmy, but I wanted to get this off my chest because it’s been in my head for a while now. I think Jimmy, like Shubble, is trusting. Not as much as Shubble, but he does aim for friendship first and then enemy second. So, maybe he’s an opportunist instead. 

Another thing that he might be is petty or spiteful(see his and Sausage’s argument over a music disc). Another ruler might negotiate or bargain their way to what they want, but I think that either Jimmy is pretty young(for fae standards) or his mixed bloodline makes it hard for him to act with a clearer head. It’s pretty clear that he wants others to take him seriously, but at the same time, he can act very impulsive and rashly(See all of 3rd life). 

Appearance: 

It’s pretty clear that Jimmy has that green tinge to his skin. But I think he would have colours such as green(for obvious reasons), browns, and maybe some greys(for clay in the swamp). He wouldn’t have a crown, instead, he’d have a set of gills on each side of his neck. Since I like to think that he swims around in the swamp to talk to the cod in his kingdom. 

For more formal events, he might have a brown cloak and pants with a rich green tunic. He doesn’t look the most royal, but maybe that’s okay because he doesn’t want to be seen as super royal to the rest of his kingdom. Maybe he feels like if he appears to be too royal, the people of his kingdom wouldn’t approach him. 

Powers: 

So Jimmy’s was pretty difficult. Swamps aren’t like ice and wind or nature. But he is a spirit of decay. A less kind version of decay, but not overall cruel. Maybe his decay strikes faster than Shubbles. Where she is understanding and aims to help those along, Jimmy is buried with memories, sunken bodies, and ghostly apparitions. 

So maybe he can see the dead, ghosts who haven’t passed on and simply wander his empire. His eyes glow a faint green whenever he talks to them and tries to aid them to move on to the afterlife.When he’s happy, he shines in the dark backdrop of the swamp, drawing more of the dead, eager to pass on. 

Maybe his anger results in ghostly wails or being dragged into the soft earth around his home. His sadness draws more of the dead to his area, even if they didn’t die there. His pain and grief is like a blackhole, pulling souls in and forcing them to stick around, stuck in his orbit. Maybe a certain few stayed because he was the first one who spoke to them, who reached out to them, who made an effort. 

Pixlriffs:Time/Death

So Pixlriffs has said that he wants to watch over the others deaths with his vigil and he lives in a desert, so I thought they would work with each other. When you think of time, you think of hourglasses, they have sand so that’s the connection I made. 

Personality: 

So Pix has shown an unhinged side to his overall calm and collected composure.(Example, Episode Ten, I think?) His: I sent five people to their deaths and they granted me wings(paraphrased) line is both chilling and is also perfect for a spirit of time/death. 

He, like Scott, is a bit disconnected from the others. Not by accident or nature, but by choice. As a spirit of time and death, he sees the clocks above everyone’s heads, knowing when their last breaths will be taken and when those clocks finally stop. 

It’s not that he’s apathetic to his fellow kings and queens, but rather he is scared. He doesn’t want to form connections only to see them disappear like a drop of sand in a desert. He wishes to honour the people who have weaseled their way into his heart. So he keeps the vigil to count their deaths and remind them that they will not be forgotten. Pixl is a watcher, an overseer that is afraid of the day his friends will pass on and leave him alone. 

Appearance:

The man calls himself the copper king, so I have to have those shades of copper in his outfits somewhere. Teal, brown(for bronze), and those shades between (for copper)are very good(both in builds and on clothes). I also think that pale yellow(representing the sand) is also a nice touch and green for his lush gardens is also a wonderful tone. 

He has a cape that is mostly teal(I’m thinking the shift between the third to final stage) with a bronze belt. The pale yellow would be his shirt and his pants would be a darker brown. Matching his boots. 

I think he would have a crown with pale yellow crystals(yellow zircon or topaz) with bronze wires making up the rest of the crown. Maybe there are pieces of turquoise or aquamarine, that would be cool too. 

Powers: 

The man is basically a watcher. He has wings and can see through time. Like I said before, he can see the clocks ticking above the other players’ heads. Seeing how long they have until their last breath. Pixl is equal parts chaotic and calm. So I think he has a good control over his emotions. 

When he’s stressed things start to wilt under his feet(another reason he lives in a desert), in his anger, he can cause death. Maybe he’s just an omen or something that draws in death. (See his end raiding attempts one and two). I like to think that maybe he has the ability to hold flames or make small ones(just for his candles), he isn’t violent or uses them to hurt others. He simply just uses them to light his candles. 

He’s more than capable with his other abilities. 

This is all I have for now. If I decide to do the others, I’ll add a link to this post. I’d appreciate some information or ideas for the other players since I haven’t had the chance to touch down on all of them. If you have any ideas, feel free to send them to me too!

[queenofthefullmoon]

An exhaustive list of Dark Souls 3 bosses I would or would not date

Iudex/Champion Gundyr

We’re starting off this list with a strong yes. Our boy Gundyr has had a hard, difficult life, and he deserves some good company. He’s tall, strong, and I trust him to protect us as we set a lovely camp site outside of the fire link shrine.

Vordt of the Boreal Valley

Vordt is big and he is feral which are truly the only two qualities I look for in a man. Together we’d be unstoppable. I mean, think about how easy it would be to go around with him: just climb on his back and let the rodeo begin, baby. This argument alone should be enough to convince you that Vordt is a suitable boyfriend, but here’s another one: if you get too hot in the summer, worry fucking not for your gigantic man can hold his equally gigantic hammer over you and cover you with snow like an italian man covering his pasta with parmesan.

Cursed Rotted Greatwood

Now while I’m certain it would be a perfect partner for some people, the Cursed Rotted Greatwood isn’t for me. For one, I am not fan of curses, or rot, or weird sticky balls, or strange orange acid, or pale white and slightly viscous hands bursting through a living tree. Secondly, I feel like the crowd of Hollows who group up around the tree would be a big impediment to our intimacy, and I’m not ready to be the mother of 20 Hollows.

Crystal Sage

No offense but you’d be an idiot for not wanting to date the Crystal Sage. All wrapped up in one package, you get a super competent sorcerer bf, who wears the coolest hat in the galaxy and an equally cool cape, and who overall looks like the upgraded version of a plague doctor. In addition to that he also has a pretty rapier so you can both engage in some sparring (which we all know is the most romantic couple activity).

Deacons of the Deep

Probably one of the worst options on the list, they’re all crusty, rotting men moaning around a biggass coffin. There are many technical questions. If I dated a deacon, would I have to date all of them? Can we go out on dates or are they obligated to stay next to the coffin at all times? Can I even date them at all?? Not that I would, because I have standards. The only pro to entering this relationship(s?) would be that I’d probably get one of their robes for free, but the cons are so numerous that I’d rather buy it myself.

Abyss Watchers

Let’s be real and honest even if it hurts. Would I date an Abyss Watcher? Yes. Maybe I’d even date two. However, would an Abyss Watcher date me? No, because they’re all in love with Artorias, and I can’t blame them for that.

Old Demon King

At first I considered dating the Old Demon King like a Russian Instagram model dates an old, rich American man: with a great deal of fake love but above all great patience in order to be the only person on the will. But then I thought about it more, and what does the Old Demon King have to offer, really? A big firework show that will leave him exhausted like the old creature he is, and maybe some pyromancies. Truly, it is not worth it, especially since I’d have to take residence where he lives, in a big old room filled with the corpses of his kin.

High Lord Wolnir

I’ve got nothing against Wolnir personally, but I have no interest in skeletons, nor in his army of skeleton children. As stated above I’m not ready to be a mother. I feel like if we got in an argument and he sighed, he would poison me with his awful breath and I would die a horrible death. Also, living on the brink of the Abyss doesn’t appeal to me that much. However I would like Wolnir to be a good friend I can talk jewelry with because let’s be honest, the man (skeleton?) is blinged the fuck out even in death and I respect that.

Yhorm the Giant

Yes, I would date Yhorm. He was nothing but a sweet, misunderstood giant who always tried to get people to trust him and he convinced me. I would put my life in his big hands. Think of the possibilities. Just like with Vordt he could carry you everywhere but in a less reckless way if you prefer proper manners. You’d never have to worry about not seeing anything at a concert. Also, may I add that waiting for you to show up while sitting on his biggass throne is an absolute power move? Yhorm is a Lord of Cinder, but above all, a Lord of this heart.

Pontiff Sulyvahn

Would I date him because of his appealing aesthetic? Yes. Would I date him for anything else? No. Sulyvahn is absolutely terrifying, completely unhinged in the most frightening way, which is that he doesn’t look bat shit crazy. I could be thinking that everything is going well in our relationship then suddenly he’d lock me in a dungeon then would feed me to his weird friend because I put a fork in the knife drawer. He could pretend to propose and give me a weird fucked up ring with his eye in it and the next thing I know I’d be running in a field on all fours. I don’t trust like that.

Aldritch, Devourer of Gods

I’m so sad about Aldritch because literally everything about him is completely unappealing, unacceptable, unnatural, unholy, abhorrent, but he has the delicate and beautiful face of Gwyndolin. While our lovely Gwyndolin looks gorgeous as ever it doesn’t make up for the fact that Aldritch devoured people and probably wouldn’t find love to be a good reason to not eat his partner. The only reason I can find to have a friendship (not even a romantic relationship) with him is if you really like experimenting with cooking and you really, really need someone to taste your inventions.

Dancer of the Boreal Valley

I feel attraction, which means that just like any other being who feels attraction, I would date the Dancer. She is beautiful, graceful, a bit feral, and would not hesitate to put a flaming knife to my throat, which is the description of my dream woman. Imagine walking the streets with her, trying to hold her hand while it dangles 3 feet above you and she insists on holding her sword, actually, so she might slay anyone who tries to approach you, which she communicates through icy breaths and murmurs. The date of a lifetime.

Oceiros, the Consumed King

Another awful choice on this list, Oceiros is RABID and also, as far as we know, still a married man. You really want to date a man that hasn’t even gone through his divorce but already looks like this? Me neither. I’m already not big on dragon fucking but the fact that he’s all viscous and has weird growths all over him is not helping. Also, he has children, and we know how I feel about that — although, given how he treats them, he probably won’t have kids very soon (too far?).

Ancient Wyvern

So I’ve stated that I’m not very big on dragon fucking. With that said, do I think the wyvern is sexy and beautiful? Absolutely so. You’re probably like « Blue you’re sending mixed signals, are you gonna date the lizard or not? » and to that I say, date? Perhaps not. I would however like to form a lifelong bond with this wonderful force of nature and fight by its side, live a long and fulfilling life travelling along with it, only to die at the same time atop the tallest mountain in the world, where our skeletons will be discovers hundreds of years in the future by brave explorers, who will confirm that the legendary songs that were written about us were in fact not just a myth.

Nameless King

You’ve just read what I said about the wyvern. I feel like the Nameless King really understands me and would respect me for that. We could bond over our love of dragons and other flying scaly beasts and perhaps share some chaste kisses while soaring the sky on our companions. It’s nice to date someone who loves pets as much as you. I feel like he would be a fun guy to hang around in general, maybe he’d let you braid his hair or try on his crown. He can arrange personalized fireworks shows for you with his lightning powers. I don’t think you’d ever be bored around him.  

Dragonslayer Armor

Dating an empty suit of armor has never bothered me (see: ds2 Ruin Sentinels), however I have beef with the dragonslayer armor. Is it a beautiful armor? Perhaps a bit worn off, but the reply remains affirmative. However, it is controlled by Pilgrim Butterflies, which basically means I’m dating one to multiple of these things in the shape of an armor, and I’ve gotta confess that I’m not down for that.

Lorian Older Prince and Lothric Younger Prince

Here comes the delicate moment where we have to make a choice without offending anyone. I personally, speaking for myself, in my own opinion, would rather date Lorian. Reason: he is big, strong, and a bit rabid, which I’ve made very clear is my type. I don’t dislike Lothric, but I feel like we’d be better off as best friends who have a really snarky group chat where we shit talk the entire kingdom. That’s pretty good because if I even just slightly disliked Lothric I’m pretty sure Lorian would sense it and would not hesitate to murder me on sight.

Champion’s Gravetender and Champion Greatwolf

Well the full name is just a formality here, I’m not completely insane so I don’t want to date this rabid wolf. I feel like the Champion’s Gravetender is just a normal dude who’s a bit in over his head and it’s not his fault but he just seems a bit boring compared to all my other options. Instead of a date I think he’d be more of an awkward flirt I had when I was bored and then I came to my senses but didn’t know how to disengage, but in the end it worked out because he was more interested in his work anyway.

Sister Friede and Father Ariandel

Again a choice has to be made and I will have to be predictable and say I’d date Elfriede. Just like Dancer she’s what the woman of my dreams is made of. She’s graceful and could easily take my life and I think it’s awfully sexy of her to be like that. I think I’d be accepted into the family pretty easily, which is important since Father Ariandel cares about Friede so much. I’d go visit him sometimes, play chess with him, bring him his flail, normal interactions with your girlfriend’s dad.

Soul of Cinder

I’m gonna be a tiny bit freaky here and say I’d date the Soul of Cinder. Dating it is just like opening a Kinder Surprise egg, you never know what you’re gonna get (sorry Americans for excluding you here). That makes life exciting and doesn’t let routine stall your relationship. Every day you can wake up with the question « What weapon will my darling walk around with today? The flaming sword, or the sorcery staff? » and be surprised by the answer. Truly ideal, but I understand it’s not for the faint of heart.

Demon Prince

I’m gonna go with a maaaaaaybeeeee? leaning towards no. I mean yes, the Demon Prince is a weird fleshy flaming demon, and that may be a bit gross, but I’ve gotta admit I admire his style, the drama of it all. The care he puts into his entrance, the attitude in his moves. If we don’t date I’d at least want to be friends so he can teach me his ways.

Darkeater Midir

I have very intense and contradictory feelings towards Midir. In one hand, holy shit, absolutely epic dragon, the spirit of companionship is growing in me. On the other hand, this beast is RABID and pretending I could tame him is foolish, and pretentious. I guess in the end the answer remains that I don’t date dragons, I just want to adopt them as my extremely exotic pets.

Halflight, Spear of the Church

Yeah I’d date Halflight, I know it’s the easy answer but look at him. I mean shit he’s walking around like a little thotty with his shirt open and you mean to tell me I’m not supposed to wanna date him because he looks pretty much like a regular dude? My boy Halflight WANTS me to date him or else he would not show up with his tiddies out to a sword fight, which as an activity already has enough erotic implications on its own.

Slave Knight Gael

I’m gonna say it unashamedly and I’ll say it again: I would date Gael. He’s been nothing but helpful and when he tries to attack you it’s to help his little lady that he’s adopted as his niece. We love a chaotic parental figure. Maybe he’s a tad bit old and dirty but there’s nothing a good bath can’t fix and I’m sure he’d appreciate having someone taking care of him for once. Again, he’s got that slightly unhinged quality to him that makes him delightful. When I walk around with my partner I want us to instill both fear and fascination in people which we would be able to accomplish perfectly well.

Dark Souls 1: Remastered date list // Dark Souls 2: Scholar of the First Sin date list

[kiwikipedia]

Thoughts on Lostbelt 3: SIN

So overall, I found Lostbelt 3 really fun. I felt more engaged than in Lostbelt 2, which I personally found dry with a lot more monotonous text. Part of it was probably because there wasn’t really any ‘fun’ allies besides Bryndhild, but that’s a different topic entirely. Lostbelt 1 was fun as well, but so far, Lostbelt 3 is my favorite— this isn’t just because of Li Shuwen, because if it was then I’d have liked LB2 more because of Sigurd. Anyways. Lostbelt 3 was very unique in terms of world building. While LB1 was a dog-eats-dog sort of survival of the fittest, and LB2 was all about uhhh killing children (?) who dont have their own children, LB3 just felt super unique. This is the first LB where the King really did help us and seem inclined to actually listen to what we said. You know, instead of yeeting the first person to play piano in battle. Thanks Ivan. I really enjoyed some of the lines here, and I found Koyanskaya to actually be funny in this rather than irritating. 10/10 for the dollar store line.

(more under the cut)

I love Jing Ke and I loved how she straight up handed Qin Shi Huang a cellphone with malware on it to kill him— even if it didn’t work, it was still funny. Nezha, I feel like, should have certainly gotten more screen time, but I loved her “Mom Mode” at the end, and ofc, Mordred and Spartacus’ friendship and their interactions too. Prince of Lanling didn’t have much of an impact on me as the other Crypter’s Servants, but that’s certainly to do with how he died very early on— I do love that theres the tie in with Yu Mei-Rin, however, and that DW and TM didn’t just chose a random Chinese servant to give her. On the topic of Yu Mei-Rin, I found her fight frustrating, but I did love her as a character. Once again, she’s very different than the other Crypters IMO and so it was very cool to see her and Xiang Yu.  Smaller side note— Han Xin was just the right amount of concerning and unhinged to really portray the battle-hungry monster of a general that he was written to be. And Li Shuwen was just fantastic in his exclamations and so forth— and how he took down Koyanskaya made me laugh. If you couldn’t tell, his fight terrified me (ha!) more than the rest of them. I’m really looking forwards to throwing all my money at Bajiquan-jiisan more than before. There’s a shit ton of stuff to unpack with Li that wasn’t touched on, like the fact that he’s like 150 years old (I had said he was 166 but my math was off? I guess? I’m an art major, not a numbers major) and also old. In a place that being old was uhhhhh not allowed. I certainly have no desire to ever ship Li and QSH, but thats yet another thing to unpack in a place that’s not here. And with Red Hare and Chen Gong, the two were simply amazing. The humor and dynamic between them made me laugh a lot as well. Chen Gong’s spotlight was all in his quips despite not fighting and Red Hare was fun to use in fights when I felt like I could manage without Friend Support. 

Lastly, Qin Shi Haung, the Mothjesty themself. Honestly, I quite enjoyed their (his?) role in this. Certainly more active than Ivan and Surtur had been. By no means is Mothjesty a good person, but I did like his heel-face-turn. Also the fact that he said “lets settle it in smash” but like with real fists. That was fun.

Anyways, overall, the Lostbelt was enjoyable. I found myself having a lot more fun than in the previous two along with finding the story of “this is a place of peace, why destroy it?” more interesting that the quasi-peace that LB2 sort of had going on. While we didn’t really get a chance to “bond” with a normal person or character in this like we did in LB1 and LB2 (or at least not a named person, ‘Boy’ is sorta just... generalized), we did sorta bond with their Mothjesty. So uh, mission complete? They’re on the CE we got, so yeet.

To wrap this up: LB3 10/10 out of the three for making me laugh and for Jing Ke basically giving Qin Shi Haung the equivalent of the ILOVEYOU Virus to attempt to kill him. 

I probably wont be posting much for the Samba event, but you can bet that I’ll be posting about the New Years Bennienma event!

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: Yzma

I feel like there’s no sense in introducing this one. You know her. I’ve seen all the gif sets, the quotes, the images, the memes… it’s safe to say most every person on the internet is intimately acquainted with The Emperor’s New Groove’s geriatric villainess, Yzma. So, let’s just cut to the chase and talk about why Yzma is a fantastic villain, shall we?

Motivation/Goals: Yzma’s goal is pretty simple and yet also infinitely understandable. She wants to take over the kingdom from Kuzco because, after years of being treated like garbage by the snotty little emperor she likely helped raise, he’s just firing her because she’s old and ugly. Like, it is TRUE, but it’s still incredibly tacky and rude. It’s not hard to empathize with her at least a little bit as she goes to poison the snotty, miserable emperor, though it really does become harder to side with her as the movie goes on and she continues to berate her poor manservant Kronk.

Performance: The legendary Eartha Kitt of Adam West’s Batman and My Life as a Teenage Robot fame gave Yzma exactly the voice she needed to instantly ingrain herself in your memory forever. Kitt was absolutely not afraid to ham it up, and combined with the character design and animation, it makes Yzma a delightfully over-the-top figure that is easy to love to hate. Even better, she has insanely good chemistry with Patrick Warburton as Kronk, and the two play off each other extremely well, leading to Yzma being part of a good 95% of the movie’s funniest scenes. It helps that, while she is definitely very funny, she is more often the straight man reacting to the insanity her compatriot brings to the table, a dark mirror to Kuzco and Pacha’s relationship… well, comparatively dark. These two are a couple of goobers after all. What I think really helps is that, despite being the straight man in a general sense, Yzma is still probably one of the most insane villains in Disney’s filmography, as in literally unhinged, so she is as able to generate laughs as anyone else.

Final Fate: Yzma’s attempts to kill Kuzco backfire spectacularly, and instead of succeeding in any way, shape, or form, she ends up turning herself into a cute little kitty. It’s a marked improvement, honestly. How she changed back to normal for the TV series, who can say? By all accounts it doesn’t make sense. Just don’t think too hard about it, it’s a comedy after all.

Best Scene: Considering how the entire climax of the film is an absolute cavalcade of comedy, we could go with that. Or we could go with her attempts to poison Kuzco at dinner. Or we could go with her interactions with Pacha’s family. The “problem” with Yzma that every scene with her is so great that it’s hard to single out any single one moment as outstanding, because all of them are pretty much on the same level. She’s remarkably consistent with how great she is.

Best Quote: It’s really hard for me to pick just one line (which is something I tend to say a lot, but I mostly talk about good villains on here, so cut me some slack), but I think the combination of the delivery and just how great Kitt’s voice was really helps make her brainstorming ways to kill Kuzco a legendary moment:

“Ah, how should I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself! And when it arrives, AH HA HA HA! I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!!! It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT, I tell you! Genius, I say!”

The laugh is really what sells it, honestly.

Final Thoughts & Score: Yzma is probably the single greatest Disney villain who doesn’t totally follow the Renaissance villain format post-Renaissance, with only Turbo really being a contender for the crown. What I mean is this: the Renaissance set a serious precedent for animated movie villains going forward. They had to be hammy, have huge personalities, and get their own song. Ratigan was something of a prototype, and then Ursula went and set the standard. Sure, there were exceptions in the Renaissance – Hades is great but got no song, and Ratcliffe is… Ratcliffe, and he has a song – but for the most part the best Disney villains had a clear style. Ursula, Gaston, Frollo, Scar, all of them are some of Disney’s best and all of them stick to these rules.

Yzma came early in the post-Renaissance era so it would make sense for her to fit the bill entirely while they were still experimenting with new styles, but because of the tumultuous production of The Emperor’s New Groove, she ended up keeping the ham while having her villain song cut. And yes, this is a damn shame, since Eartha Kitt was a fantastic singer and the song’s not half bad, but I think the movie as a whole and Yzma herself work better without music. She’s just so funny with how she reacts to and interacts with things throughout the movie, I just don’t think she really NEEDS music to really push her over the top in terms of quality. Like, let me put it this way: I think, without “Be Prepared,” Scar would probably not be quite as impressive. I think with a villain song, Jafar would have been even cooler. Yzma? She’s pretty much perfect the way she is.

I debated a long time on what score to give her, but I frankly think she does deserve a 10/10. I almost gave her a 9 on the basis that she didn’t have a song, but her overall performance combined with my realization she didn’t need her song to be great made me decide to reward her with the highest marks. However, there is one criticism I have that I think stands: she would not nearly be s funny if not for the presence of her faithful lackey. So let’s talk about him, shall we?

Psycho Analysis: Kronk

I put this one to a vote, and it turns out that a lot of people consider Kronk a villain. I guess if we’re being technical he is an antagonist, but a villain? Kronk is pretty much the least evil villain out there. Still, it’s pretty impossible to deny that he’s not exactly a good guy when he’s complicit in an assassination attempt. Kronk’s a bit of a morally gray figure for much of the film.

He’s also, without a doubt, the funniest character in the film.

Motivation/Goals: See Yzma above. He’s just her lackey, so he doesn’t have much in terms of goals of his own. He does, however, have a conscience, as well as numerous skills including some serious culinary skills, including knowledge of fry cook lingo.

Performance: This is one of the roles that really put Patrick Warburton on the map, alongside Joe Swanson in Family Guy. And if I’m being honest, this is the definitive Patrick Warburton role in animation. Kronk is just an absolute delight to watch, since he’s basically the lovable idiot character perfected. He’s a ditz, but he does have a lot of skill in some interesting niche areas, he’s not truly good or evil and has a moral code, he’s very quotable and funny in a pretty natural way… Kronk has got it all! And it’s all thanks to Warburton injecting that Patrick Warbuton-ness we’ve all come to love from his performances. 

Final Fate: Of course Kronk gets redeemed in the end. The dude is the biggest softie on the planet. Maybe Yzma should have thought twice before insulting his spinach puffs.

Best Scene: Kronk has a similar problem to Yzma, where every single scene he’s in is incredibly perfect, but unlike Yzma, there is one scene that really narrows things down and gives you the perfect summation of Kronk as a character: the scene where he is attempting to dispose of Kuzco’s body, does his own theme music, argues with his shoulder angel and shoulder devil, and then ends up saving Kuzco, thus allowing the rest of the plot to happen.

Best Quote: Unlike Yzma, there is no way I could possibly narrow down Kronk’s best quote. Whichever one is your favorite, you’re right. That’s the best one. Everything out of his mouth is gold.

Final Thoughts & Score: Kronk is a very interesting lesson when it comes to Psycho Analysis because, while he is certainly antagonistic, and certainly is a great character, he’s not a great villain, which is what these reviews are for. Like, he is easily the best part of the movie, he is hilarious, his chemistry with Yzma is undeniable, and this is Warburton’s definitive vocal performance in animation… but it doesn’t make Kronk a good villain so much as it makes him a good character. Like there’s no way I can give him below an 8/10, because again, still an antagonistic role, but he can’t score much higher because his personality is just so legitimately NICE that calling him a villain seems really weird (which is why I put it to a vote in the first place).

I really can’t stress enough how much I love Kronk; he’s like in my top 10 favorite Disney characters. But when it comes to villains, I really don’t think he’d make the cut, because even when he is doing something bad it comes off more as misguided loyalty to Yzma than an actual desire to do bad. It’s really telling that it’s the most petty of things that makes him drop Yzma like a hot potato: Kronk was never really a villain, he was a good guy who made poor life choices and had a toxic friend influence. He didn’t really have a character arc where he became a better person like Kuzco did, although Kronk’s ultimate turn to the side of good does somewhat mirror Kuzco’s; he simply realized that the friend in his life he devoted his time to was an awful person and decided to leave her behind, and when all is said and done, that just leaves a big, buff nice guy who likes to cook. And that makes Kronk a truly great, funny, and lovable character.

It just doesn’t make him a great villain.

[yanderedbh-moved]

How I Would Classify the Characters as Yanderes

Before I begin this post would not be possible without a very interesting and in-depth post by @thisisallthehattersfault which you can find here! The post basically breaks down the yandere archetype into little subsections which I used as classifications here. Really, I can’t recommend this post enough, so please check out that (and maybe give the account a little love while you’re at it!)

Delusional

Kamski, Delusional

A bit of a creative choice here, but considering how the delusional yandere would expect their love to actually return their affections or at least to come around to answering the feelings. This sounds eerily similar to the way one with an inflated sense of self-worth would feel entitled to others' love and affection.

Even though Kamski genuinely feels that there's no one else in your life who would fall who you would fall for instead of him, that doesn't mean he won't keep you on a tight leash. So don't plan on ever trying to leave his home or staying in contact with others.

It's difficult for Elijah to process the idea that other people are important enough to you to risk and escape attempt to see them again. Though in his mind, Elijah would attribute that irrational decision on the large change in your life rather than because you actually like another more than him.

Despite all his entitlement, though, you must know Elijah would do anything for you and would sacrifice so much to keep you happy. His fault is in his own failure to properly articulate this love, not in the lack thereof.

Ralph, Delusional

It's pretty understandable to put Ralph here, considering he's easily the most detached and unhinged character in the game itself. This fundamental disconnect with reality a tragic result of his own trauma on account of the torture he endured at the hands of humans that fateful night. The way his mind was so entirely rattled by the whole affair completely broke his mind and as a result, his actions forever.

The tragic way Ralph broke leaves him unable to really understand the world around him, to put it bluntly. When Ralph falls for you, he's so utterly in love with you he can't imagine why you wouldn't love him back. After all, you knew he'd already been through so much there's just no way someone as wonderful and lovely as you would ever try to break his heart like this.

Because of this brazen assuredness of your love, Ralph won't be afraid to openly act very cuddly and physically close to with you. Again because of the way his mind was broken so long ago, Ralph is permanently living in his own world and will do his best to provide and care for you as a husband should.

If you were to try and leave him or runaway Ralph wouldn't understand your choice, and it's certain he would be very angry about all this he wouldn't necessarily be angry at you. He wouldn't understand and, more so than anything, would feel more confused than betrayed here.

Semi-Delusional

North, Semi-Delusional

North's feelings of attraction regarding you are unexplainable and completely counter her personal creed to make all humans pay for the cruelty she endured at their hands. Though, deep within her heart of hearts, North knows there's no way she could ever bring herself to believe she hates you.

Despite being a pessimist in most aspects of her life, North can't help but feel a kind of love and warmth around you she's never known from another before. And due to this and experience with love, North can't help but go entirely overboard.

Unfortunately for her, just as the highs of her love for you are, so it goes for the lows. The fear of others getting in her way and the insecurity of losing you to another partner is also all of them were strong. Resulting and her unable to hold back when dealing with any possible rivals.

It's only once North comes down from these intense emotional outbursts that she realizes it's not wise to fall so hard for someone. Though these moments of clarity seldom last before being replaced with another intense wave of emotion.

Chloe, Semi-Delusional

She's far more grounded in reality than Ralph is. But Chloe is actually somewhat similar to Ralph on account of how unlikely it is she would feel guilty for keeping you in such a forceful and restrictive relationship.

Make no mistake. Chloe is not stupid; in fact, Chloe is somewhat unique in her own right because I'm like many characters; she is intelligent in a people-based sense. She can read people well has good intuition Etc.

A Small difference maybe but would result in her using her sharp and always attentive intuition to sense your personal boundaries and would never be so physically pushy as Ralph would.

She wants you to be comfortable around her at all times, primarily focused on getting you to genuinely love her back despite the situation and will be far less unpredictable around you as Ralph would.

Selective

Markus, Selective

So for Markus, it's challenging for him to fully understand the way he feels about you for so many reasons. Markus knows he loves you unconditionally more so than he's ever loved before he grapples heavily with the fact it's unlikely and maybe impossible for you to feel the same way. Still, Markus is ready to use his passion to determine choices.

It's difficult for him to deal with the frustrations of loving someone so much and of knowing they're the world to you only for you to not reciprocate his affections. Unfortunately for you, if you're not careful, Markus might physically take these frustrations out on you, given the opportunity.

Markus might also smother you in a way and cling to you like a life preserver. As the one thing, he knows he can keep all to himself in a world that erupts and changes every day around him. Out of all the yanderes, Markus would be one of the worst to try and escape from as he would clean the hardest and physically fight back with a passion.

The only thing which would be more dangerous than trying to escape would be trying to confide in another that you fear Marcus to be a corrupt leader. Or to try and convince a third party to try and team up with you to eliminate Markus. Then you won't be the only one to feel Markus' wrath, and the latter may be made of a public example.

Josh, Selective

It's challenging to place Josh as someone very clouded by idealism or entirely realistic because of that Josh fits comfortably in the middle. (Which is ironic considering he's supposed to represent total pacifist options, but still.)

Josh is likely someone who if he senses, there's even a chance you're beginning to show signs of coming around to returning his affections it would really trigger his inner idealist. He wouldn't help but double down on his controlling behavior and would become all the more smothering now that he believes that there is genuine love in your heart.

Overall it's safer to say Josh all around is more grounded and less intense as a yandere. Even though it's tough for him to deal with the overall intensity of his feelings, he wouldn't physically hurt you for not returning his affections.

Additionally, if you do find yourself able to overlook his darker impulses and actions and genuinely work to return his feelings, Josh might just become one of the easiest yanderes to reform into a wholesome normal relationship.

Semi-Lucid

Connor: Semi Lucid

While it makes so little sense to him to ever fully embrace and love someone who leaves and feeling so unsure and unable to process things effectively. Connor can't deny the love and warmth he feels around you and comparing that to the cold reality of the rest of his life? This leaves him the weaker.

It's hard for Connor to wholly lean into these feelings of love though considering the probability of you actually returning his feelings. Much less to the same extent as him. Because of this, he desperately fears of being discovered.

Though he's afraid of you discovering the dark reality of his true intentions, that doesn't mean he would hesitate to eliminate any possible rivals behind your back.

It's not something Connor would want to do. Still, he is likely also the kind of yandere who would hurt or physically incapacitate you if it meant keeping you close. Even though he knows this won't make you like him anymore.

Hank, Semi-Lucid

The chief word to characterize this yandere type is Escapist. Considering how long now Hank's lived such a dim and joyless life, it makes too much sense he would do anything to hold onto this joy. Even if that means acting against his best interest.

It also adds up Hank, the person who's lived in such a dark place for so long now would be much less averse to crossing boundaries of what most would consider acceptable and a regular loving relationship. Now that he really feels he has something to lose, its all more important that he keeps you.

Just because Hank knows he wouldn't hesitate to get his hands dirty if it meant keeping you protected, it's not to say he's proud of this, and he is much more aware of how you'd react if you found out.

Likely Hank would use any moments of aggressive protectiveness between the two of you as just a part of his usual rough exterior. Furthermore, he wouldn't really act softer or more loving towards you unless it was only the two of you alone and would react largely the same in groups in efforts to keep a low profile or to prevent others from getting suspicious

Daniel, Semi-Lucid

Even though he's not the most out of his mind is in love with you at first. It mostly resulted on account of a particularly harsh rejection, which would cause Daniel to lose his mind and do something regrettable.

Moreover, Daniel would absolutely be more prone to insecurity or jealousy regarding your relationship with others. This is going to remain the same whether you tell him you love him back or not. It's something so deeply ingrained in his persona he's long since lost the ability to control this.

The kind of person to very quickly catch himself nearly losing his mind falling in love with someone he's only recently met. It's almost animalistic of him to pounce on this person before they potentially leave him or are taken by another. Heavily relies on you to help him to maintain his self-control and leave him feeling assured, so he isn't provoked to do something rash. Daniel isn't afraid to show you how dangerous he is and what he's capable of, even if this runs the risk of frightening you.

Lucid

Nines, Lucid

Genuinely has the most transparent grasp on reality when compared to his fellow yanderes. Not that interesting but, consider this means Nines is likely aware you don't actually love him back, and acting in such a hostile manner isn't helping.

It sounds rather paradoxical. Why would someone act in a way they know won't actually bring them and their loved any closer together? Perhaps Nines only gets so lethal to ensure no one gets close to you is because he sees himself as your guardian angel. This is tough love keeping other people away from you.

Despite how much Nines believes he's in the right here, he still would likely try to hide his actions from you. At least acknowledging that if you find a reason to fear him, you might report his behavior or distance yourself in some other way. Given his spot was track record, though, it wouldn't be difficult for 9 to brush off suspicions as false.

All things considered though, even Ninesmight slip up every now and then and finds his cool exterior slipping as he fails to maintain control of a situation if something were to really trigger his jealousy or give him a reason to cause harm.

Selfish

Zlatko, Selfish

Unlike most other yanderes who would identify love or infatuation as a real key to the relationship, Zlatko is more the type to want to keep you forever by his side and locked away within his abode because of a feeling of interest.

Not at all dissimilar to the way a scientist would fix it compulsively over their test subject or a painter over their muse, Zlatko finds a sick and almost perverse inspiration to you. The kind of fascination which makes him want to test on you to keep everything about you to himself.

He may not identify the connection between two of you as that of love, but it's wrong to say he feels no kind of fondness for you whatsoever. It's just that he has a questionable way of showing it. And the most important thing which has Zlatko pegged as a selfish type is his inability to care for your needs.

The idea of letting you go free or ever return to normal life is virtually impossible for him to imagine. Without you forever in his possession, Zlatko couldn't imagine living in such an unsatisfying home.

Gavin, Selfish

To be entirely honest, it's tough to imagine a sadistic kind of yandere anywhere but here in the ranking. When it comes to Gavin, the type of sadist who derives such a primal satisfaction in your misery. Nowhere but here is fitting.

One of the only people who likely wouldn't be deterred in the slightest that you don't actually like him back. Why should he care? It's not like you have any kind of power in the relationship anyway. So long as you know who belong to, that was all the affirmation he needed. While he's not exactly a control freak or anything like that, Gavin undeniably wants from you in a relationship is the feeling that you are powerless to save yourself while under his control.

Almost like he wants other people to try and get involved. That way, he'll have an excuse to entirely lose it on another person, of course, he wouldn't feel any remorse for this and on account of his cruel nature. 

Selfless

Kara, selfless

Yep, that's right guys, you never would have guessed! But the Android programmed to act as a motherly figure to those she serves is the most likely of the yanderes to hyper fixate your well-being.

Overprotective to a fault, Kara really would do whatever she could to keep you happy and safe while in her care. So much so that you might not even know she holds any feelings of romantic affection towards you at all. Really thinking her love ends with your physical well-being.

The tip-off that causes you to think there might be more on her mind than just keeping you safe is Kara's distrust whenever you choose to spend time with other people over her. You do your best to explain to her that there's no reason to be suspicious, but still, something's not right with her.

But Kara does know it's probably for your best if she allows you to keep in contact with other people. However, the one thing that she won't allow is for you to think any of these people are more important than her or could ever replace her.

Luther, Selfless

This reflects a rather tragic aspect of who Luther is as a person deep down, rather than the choices he would make as a yandere in all honesty. Mostly because Luther has only known selfless unforgiving relationships with those around him, rather than ones of mutual love.

He no doubt would dream about one day, as far away as that might be, finding a beautiful idyllic relationship with you. But it feels almost too good to be true. There would be a part of Luther nearly too afraid to even dream of this, the rejection would simply hurt too much. Leaving him with almost unimaginable pain.

In the meantime, though, Luther would be more than happy to share a relationship with you, which is more discreet, but still, just as emotional. It would be a little difficult for someone as inexperienced as Luther to express his affections naturally. But this would likely manifest in him doing his best to be as gentle around you as possible, and giving you no plausible reason to fear him.

It would be much more difficult for him to remain so sweet and softspoken around any of your friends and family you wish to keep in your life though. So that maybe something you want to keep in mind here.

(Hi editing max here! I literally finished writing and editing this only to realize AFTER the fact I forgot to add Simon to this list, so consider this just a first draft, and when I go through with a second edit I’ll add him in as well. Thank you for reading, please follow this account I was unfairly terminated at 1.1k and now I’m starting back from scratch. :,))

[withallthingslove]

the handmaid’s tale s2ep11 thoughts

under the cut because spoilers

overall a pretty decent episode. it felt very much like old handmaids tale which was nice

this show’s pattern seems to be very slow start and then everything happening at the end

eleanor is quickly adding to my list of favorite characters in this show. Even if she is unstable i love that she sees through the bullshit and knows that even though lawrence was raped in this situation as well that june was raped because of him and the society he created. eleanor sees through everything in gilead and i love it

june saying she wants to kill him too you go queen

the scene with lawrence and june drinking.... while june is a motherfucking badass and she has bounced back from hitting rock bottom i dont think she’s well. and lawrence knows that too which is why he made the mental health comment. this season is definitely about changing june. there have been hints of it in previous seasons but this is when she goes through more of a personality transformation

wow the marthas really run gilead we stan

i think it’s pretty obvious from the start that serena is setting up fred. the way she said goodbye to rita, she knew she wasnt coming back. and I think her beginning nerves were because she was nervous about what would happen to fred not really tuello betraying her

and of course fred is his cocky normal self but its heightened even more when they are alone. I’m conflicted on how serena acted with fred... part of me thinks she still loves him. Because they’ve always been this delusional power-hungry team that have a connection. But then part of me viewed it like the end of the wolf of wall street where margot robbie’s character gets leo’s character to fuck her one last time and butters him up and then shes like “i want a divorce”

the scene in the woods with them at the econo family’s house was beautifully shot. the scenery, the camera work. beautiful. The conversation that took place... solidified more to me serena was setting him up. It seemed like she was saying goodbye in a way. She brought up what she was unhappy with and reminisced with him, and when he said he didnt need to live in dc i didnt believe him and i dont think she did either

but fred admitting he was sterile..... um wow if he wasnt such a terrible human i would be proud of his character development

more proof serena was planning to cross him though is that her reaction was very sad instead of like rushing to comfort him

glad they didnt show the waterfords having sex because honestly dont need that in my life and any scene of them doing it is a waste of time to me 

for a second i freaked out when it looked like lawrence had abandoned them because i hadn’t read that in the spoilers for the episode

are they coming after lawrence because of his liberal tendencies? or because he wasn’t performing the ceremony?

june walking through jezebels like she owns the place. i love her confidence

the bartender being concerned about beth made me happy i feel like she’s really well liked and i hope nothing bad happens to her

also the bartender knowing about lawrence robbing all the museums is another good way of showing he isnt really that much better than the other commanders considering fred and serena did the same thing

ugh winslow.... 

june trying to give herself the speech and then snapping. It’s interesting because in one way it shows she has lost her humanity the way emily and moira had. one thing about june in the book was that she always “kept her humanity” and that was shown in the second season when june couldnt bring herself to kill the waterfords. But the longer june stays in gilead the more unhinged she becomes. BUT I would also argue she has more humanity now because she cant suppress her disgust anymore and so she reacts. So while its more unhinged I think its also more like a new aspect of her personality being born

love that the martha helped her and that the marthas literally cleaned up the entire scene they really are bomb ass bitches. QUEENS

lawrence giving june the gun.... what are they gonna do shoot off whoever comes to the house? or is that for when they try to escape

if june is staying and not escaping after this season i could see her truly going underground/on the run at the end of the season and not going to someone’s house to be a handmaid

mmmmmm tuello is fine and still stand by the idea that he and serena will fuck 

fred immediatly doesnt trust him which is actually smart of fred but i also think that it was more fred was insecure about himself and projected. not that he felt something was up. just my personal opinion

fred is such a dick the way he yelled at tuello once they parked but its the way ive seen every privileged white man get mad about anything small so it was perfect delivery

when tuello said they had crossed into canada and all the soldiers came out... YESS WE STAN A KING

It was so satisfying for tuello to say what fred was being arrested for as the americans looked on. SOOOO satisfying

As for Serena.... I think my question from earlier was answered in how she looked at him. She does still love him and so part of her felt terribly guilty for playing him. So the way she was treating fred earlier was because she does love him still but also knew she was betraying him

For the next few episodes... im guessing serena defected and gave fred up or gave them both up hoping doing so would let her see holly. Which ugh. If this season ends with serena in hawaii with holly instead of nick and june in hawaii with holly im gonna fucking riot. 

anyway based on the preview moira, luke and holly visit fred and serena and fred is in a jail cell and its said serena betrayed him. but I couldn’t tell if serena was in a jail cell too. My guess is kind of what i predicted earlier in the season and that serena’s long term plan when she left canada was not to get holly back to gilead but was to find a way to leave gilead and take holly with her so i imagine she will try to get custody of holly ughhhhh. 

If nick and june can’t be there to parent her then luke and moira should. not serena

im interested to see what happens in the next few episodes because so far this season has been all over the place and so who knows how it will end (i know some of what will happen but not everything and i want more spoilers)

[noona-clock]

Confusion & Coincidences - Part 10, Final Chapter

Genre: Regency!AU

Pairing: Yongguk x You

By Admin B

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

During the rest of your walk with the Earl -- Yongguk -- he explained that he had written his apology letter because he could tell you had been bombarded, basically, and he had wanted to explain why he had proposed so suddenly. He had also wanted to assure you he took your rejection seriously and would not try to pursue you further.

Also, he added, he was just much better at expressing his thoughts in writing than he was using actual, spoken words.

You, in turn, had admitted you’d found him extremely handsome upon first meeting him... but had sadly mistaken his shyness for haughtiness and had, therefore, written him off almost immediately.

Of course, you had also apologized immensely because you now felt ashamed and guilty for doing so.

“Do not ever feel guilty for judging someone based on their appearance,” Yongguk had assured you, a bit to your surprise. “We all do it, whether or not people actually admit to it. And besides, no matter your first impression of someone, if things are meant to work out, they will work out.”

But then he had asked you what changed your mind about him. You had thought him to be haughty and snobbish; when did your thoughts change?

“Well,” you had sighed. “I’m... not entirely sure. Both Alice and Mr. Kim told me you were simply shy, so that made me realize you hadn’t been rude. And when you didn’t insist on holding my books for me at the bookstore, I thought how very unlike any other gentleman you were. But... I believe my mind was entirely changed when I woke up and saw you sitting next to my bed while I was ill.”

“...After you had already accepted my proposal?”

You’d nodded timidly. “I did like you when I accepted, of course. Especially when you shared what your idea of marriage is. That sounded so heavenly to me, and I knew I was making the right decision. But... I’m not sure. I guess seeing you there, knowing you would quite literally be by my side through thick and thin... At the very least, I knew you were not just marrying me because I’m a fairly pretty face. Because I know I most certainly was not pretty with a raging fever.”

Yongguk had chuckled and, despite your protests, he’d assured you that you had still been beautiful. Just sick and beautiful.

Eventually, the two of you had made your way back to your house, and Yongguk had declared he needed to travel back to London for business. He’d urged you to write to him and let him know what plans you came up with for the wedding.

“I am at your service entirely,” he’d murmured before placing a kiss on the back of your hand. “Just tell me when and where, and I shall be there.”

You’d tilted your chin in the slightest of nods, your eyes fixed on his lips. His kiss on your hand had only reminded you of his kiss on your lips, and boy, had those kisses been divine.

Your mother had come outside to bid Yongguk good-bye with you... and then she had immediately begun with talk of the wedding.

Surprise, surprise.

The following two months were, unsurprisingly, a blur. Your mother bombarded you with wedding planning, even though you insisted on a very simple ceremony. You wanted to invite only your closest friends and family, and you would rather not make a big deal out of it.

Yongguk had assured you many times that you had full control over any and every decision, but you knew he would rather take part in a small, intimate wedding, as well. The two of you were ridiculously similar, as Mr. Kim had pointed out all those weeks ago.

Because you stayed in the country with your parents and Yongguk stayed in London (where you would reside after the wedding), the two of you began a quite regular correspondence.

You had found your fiancé did a better job than he gave himself credit for when it came to expressing himself face-to-face. You’d never heard him talk so much as he did when you’d been on your walk, the day he’d explained why he had proposed.

But then you read one of his letters, and you understood what he meant when he said he expressed himself better in writing.

When his first letter arrived, your brow furrowed deeply upon seeing how many pages he’d written.

What could he possibly have to say that would take up that many pages?!

So you shut yourself up in your bedroom, determined to find out.

After only half a page, you realized Yongguk was helping you get to know him. He was basically writing his life story, and you found you were too intrigued to stop reading. It’s not like anything particularly exciting had happened to him - he’d experienced a fairly normal childhood, adolescence, and proposing to you had seemed to be the most riveting part of his adult life so far - but the way he wrote... you were simply transfixed.

He truly did express himself better in writing.

In turn, you wrote about your life in your response letter, sending it to him the very next day. Both of your letters from then on were more conversational, though his did have some subtle romantic themes sprinkled in here and there. They made you blush every time, and you kept those letters hidden in a special, locked box.

Overall, you exchanged almost thirty letters each in the span of two months. Your mother expressed her envy a large number of times, complaining that your father never wrote her letters.

“My dear, we live in the same house,” your father reminded her. “If I want to tell you something, I can simply tell you. There is no need to write a letter.”

“But letters are romantic!”

You giggled behind your piece of paper as they squabbled over the topic of writing love letters.

A few days before the wedding, you traveled to London. The ceremony was taking place in a small church in the city, and Yongguk had also invited you to dine with him.

You’d never been to his residence before, so you figured he wanted you to see your future home at least once before you moved in later this week.

The moment you stepped inside, your jaw nearly unhinged itself from your mouth.

You had never seen a home so grand; but it wasn’t uncomfortably grand, either. It was just... really, really, really, really nice. I mean, you knew he was rich because your mother had told you he was, but... you didn’t know just how rich.

But you were very, very curious.

So you waited until after dinner, wanting to ask the question with some privacy. Your mother would probably box your ears if she heard you asking about money. She would most certainly want to know, too, of course, but it was impolite to ask.

It couldn’t be impolite to ask your future husband, though!

When Yongguk murmured that he earned around 8,000 pounds per year, you almost gasped.

Eight. Thousand. Pounds?!?!

Your father made nearly three thousand, and you’d always felt your family lived quite comfortably.

But EIGHT?!

You could buy as many books as you wanted!

And now you understood why Yongguk had offered to pay for every single part of your wedding - and why your father had let him (though he still begrudgingly let him).

When your family left that evening, Yongguk managed to steal a good-bye kiss, and your lips positively tingled until well after you went to bed.

You wondered if it was because you were still very much new to kissing or... would it always feel like that? When he kissed you?

And you also realized the next time you shared a kiss with him... you would be married.

Your wedding turned out just the way you’d envisioned it.

Small but absolutely lovely. Your dress was the most beautiful dress you’d ever worn, and Yongguk looked even more handsome than usual in his well-tailored, green velvet jacket. (Later, you would ask him why he had chosen green velvet, and he would admit it was because of your green dress that first time you met.)

But the best part of your wedding?

Well, first of all, Yongguk said ‘I do’ with a half-smile tugging at his lips. And, second of all, when you said ‘I do,’ you felt not even a hint of hesitation or doubt.

You were still not sure if you were in love with him, but you had absolutely no regrets whatsoever about marrying him. You were the opposite of regretful, in fact. You were quite optimistic!

Although... there was one thing which did make you nervous.

Last night, your mother had come to your room and had given you...

The Talk.

She explained what usually happened on a wedding night, and much to your slight horror, she also said this is how a woman begets a child.

“So, it happens that night,” you’d stated with a furrowed brow.

Your mother had done her best to hide a laugh. “Not usually, my dear. It depends on timing.”

“Well... then... you do it more than once?”

“Certainly! Some people have ten children, lovely.”

“So -- that’s happened ten times?!”

“More than ten, I am sure. A woman does not become with child every time she... engages in that particular activity with her husband.” Your mother had raised her eyebrows then, and added in a scolding voice, “And it should only be with your husband. Never another man, do you understand?”

“What?!” you’d cried. “Another man?! Why would I want to do -- that -- with someone else?!”

It sounded strange enough that you would want to even do it with your husband, but... you would reserve judgment until the time came.

So, yes. You were nervous about that. Quite nervous.

But once the ceremony was over and Yongguk took you back to your new home and you realized you could now kiss him as many times as you wanted...

Well. We’ll just say you eventually understood fully why you would want to do that with your husband.

One Year Later

A soft groan escaped from the back of your throat when you heard a deep voice mumbling your name.

“Y/N,” it said in a sing-song tone. “Y/N.”

And then, seemingly since you hadn’t yet opened your eyes, you felt a soft kiss on the back of your shoulder.

And then one on your neck... your jaw... your cheek...

“Y/N,” Yongguk whispered against your skin.

You groaned again, though you did move your head just a little.

You had always been one to wake early, and for the better part of a year, you had risen from bed before your husband six days out of seven. But apparently, growing a child inside of you was quite a bit more tiring than you had ever imagined.

You’d just figured out a few weeks ago that you were pregnant, and suddenly, all of the nausea and exhaustion (and two missed monthly courses) had made so much sense.

(Also, you had an urge to tell your mother that she had been right. You had definitely not become with child every time you engaged in that particular activity with your husband. Because you had engaged in it... quite a number of times within this first year. And you were only now pregnant with your first child. But you would refrain from informing her of this. Of course.)

“I have a surprise for you,” Yongguk continued. You felt his hand begin to rub up and down your arm, and your eyebrows raised.

“Mmm?” you hummed.

“But you have to open your eyes, my love,” he murmured.

You tilted your head in a very tiny nod before moving to stretch and open your eyes.

And when you did open your eyes, you saw your husband sitting up in bed next to you, holding a book.

“What is that?” you asked, now feeling a bit more awake.

He opened the cover so you could read the title page.

“Mansfield Park,” you read quietly. “By the author of --”

You gasped.

“Sense & Sensibility and Pride & Prejudice?!”

A smile tugged at Yongguk’s lips, and you quickly moved to tackle him back onto the bed.

“Oh, you are the loveliest person I have ever known!” you praised, kissing all over his face as you lay on top of him. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Yongguk was laughing - that cute, adorable laugh you only ever heard when you smothered him with affection - and your heart was soaring.

“Do you know much I love you?” you asked in-between nose and forehead kisses.

“Yes, I do,” he chuckled before he carefully rolled you off of him. “Now, start reading, already!”

“Okay, okay,” you giggled. You took the book from him and settled down, nestling against him. He put one arm around your shoulders, cradling you as you flipped to the first page, and the other arm around your waist. He, of course, laid a protective hand on your stomach.

Before you started reading, you turned your head to look back at him.

“I know you said you know how much I love you, but I do love you very, very, very, very much.”

Yongguk pressed his lips into your temple, and you could feel them curving into a smile. That smile of his which still made you fall in love.

“I love you very, very, very, very much, too,” he murmured. “My darling, my heart.”

Your nose scrunched happily at his terms of endearment, and then you turned back and began reading the first line out loud.

Many times during your first year of marriage, you had thought back to Pride & Prejudice. You’d been reading it when you first met your husband, so it was only natural.

You wondered quite often what married life had been like for Lizzy and Mr. Darcy. They had grown to love each other quite fervently, so surely theirs was a happy marriage.

But, no matter how happy their marriage, you always knew with a great degree of certainty - yours was happier.

Much, much happier.

moodboard by @bangyongguktigger 💖

[pickyperkypenguin]

Recently I remembered that Mabel podcast exists. As I had an upcoming journey, it seemed like a perfect occasion to renew my interest in it, and to get to know how the story of Anna Limon and Mabel unfolds.

(Disclaimer: I am writing all this after listening to twenty five episodes. I don’t exclude the possibility that I’d change my mind, had I listened to more, but for now this is what I think. Also, I had no idea I’ve had so much to say about Mabel podcast, so the length of this text is a surprise both for you and for me. tl;dr: I love the idea of this story, execution could be better.)

What I realised after listening to a couple of episodes after a long break (and the natural break in the narrative, at which point I initially finished), was that it’s, like, Really Bad. But, you know, sort of in a good way.

The general premise is something that a person ( I, the person. When I say we or a person I mean I, but it’s too late to care about my phrasing now) wishes badly to exist. Who doesn’t want a queered fairy tale, dramatic and tragic lesbian romance, the kind that somehow feels like in every single scene the heroes (heroines, in this case) are standing over the edge of a cliff, their ripped white shirts barely covering their chests, their bodies shivering from the wind, and somebody is about to kill or kiss the other person. You know, the romantic as in the historical period kind. Everything over the top, but better, because it’s not subtextually, but screamingly textually queer.

And it works at certain points, really – the queerness of the heroines queers the structure of the story, it plays on the archetypes and sort of fulfils the desire to appropriate them for the queer self for once. It’s a pleasant feeling.

The descriptions are flowy and opulent, the romance goes how certain type of straight romances would go – assuming that the listener will assume the same stuff about a queer couple, as about heterosexual one. And it provides the portrait of an unhinged, feral, burning and at times tender  love I see so rarely in queer narratives, because it often would be considered “problematic” (again, it would not, was it a straight romance, but we do tend to have higher expectations for queer romances) or simply botched (it often is in straight romances). It’s the love that’s not really supposed to be nice, and that’s based on imagining and idealisation of the other person more than the reality of the connection (and it goes both ways, as we see after finally getting Mabel’s POV). It is indeed for the most of time disconnected, here by literally a wall between the worlds, but not as the finishing scene, but by the duration. The sun and moon type of romance (and the podcast seems self-aware of all that, I think the creators are delighting in the fact that they can construct it like this).

And I think that till a certain point it all sort of works out more or less, minus the details I’ll be complaining about. When it comes to the luscious descriptions creating the atmosphere of a fairy tale in vivid detail, they are really over the top, bordering on purple prose (or sometimes just plunging right into it). The repetitions and flowery adjectives have their own charm and work in small amounts. I thought – maybe it was not made for binge listening? But no, on the other hand the structure of plot is slow to unfold and convoluted enough, that were I listening to it week-by-week, I’d get nothing from it, really, and would probably be discouraged by the fact that it’s not as much that I don’t understand anything, but I can’t see the larger plot that’s supposed to be unfolding. It’s a mystery-based podcast at first, and I would probably forget what would be considered as base-level unusual in-world, and it would not make an effective impression on me with the increase of oddity.

Another explanation of the purple language – maybe it’s Anna Limon’s character? Maybe she is that kind of girl – after all, for what we know she might as well be going crazy in an old lady’s house, fixating on mysteries and family history that’s not hers for the lack of anything to do? The voicemail “letters” (for a lack of better word, but it has that feel of XIXth century love letters, you know) charm at first. Well, at least me. (Same went with Alice Isn’t Dead, with the main character constantly addressing her wife that she misses – that was I think the first time I encountered a wlw affection showed like this, and I liked the idea very much).

Unfortunately, the formula starts breaking when the first arc of the story ends, and we get to know Mabel’s point of view and Mabel’s character. Here the similarities of that language start grating: Mabel is a not-really-a-girl-what-does-human-mean-at-this-point who has been isolated for a long time in the Kingdom Under the Hill, where concepts work in a slightly different way than in the real world, and she could be this over the top just from the isolation and existing for a long time among this non-euclidean post-death plant-gymnastics.

Both Anna and Mabel could have their own reasons to be speaking like this (speaking! That also changes the feeling of it, it read distinctively different in text form). But when those reasons are so different from one another, and yet the language stays about the same, it’s just obvious that it’s the writing of the show, and unfortunately, as I said, in larger quantities, in it not being a distinctive characteristic but how the script is written, and also because it’s all spoken, it starts charming and ends up jarring. It’s becomes too over the top, if I can say it like that, and it doesn’t work as it should, also because – and here we come with another thing – it takes itself so. damn. seriously.

The Mabel podcast does not joke, but it contains a lot of unhinged, wild and hysterical laughing, giggling and sobbing. Maybe it’s the fault of the voice acting (and sorry if it’s rude, but I’m afraid I think the voice acting is really not good overall), but at a point it just started getting on my nerves. The show never stops to give itself a breather, but rides the high C all the time, and there is no rest. That cheapens, I’m afraid, the moments that are supposed to be impactful and end up less so, because they have no chance of shining brighter than the others, as everything tries to shine at once.

I also think that the voice acting itself is annoying me more than it should. I don’t really find the cadence of the voices pleasant – especially Mabel, who is unfinishing her sentences a lot but in a way that sounds artificial. It’s like amateur actors who know they are supposed to not finish a sentence, because it has been written in the script that another character will interrupt them. So, they go off from their way to facilitate that, and there is the minuscule but noticeable pause that just sounds stupid for the spectator. It’s even worse when there is no other character to interrupt, just one person abandoning a sentence – but they have long ago known they will abandon it in the first place, oh my god, it doesn’t make sense. Sorry, I think I really didn’t like Mabel’s way of talking.

I mean, at first it was sort of incredible – I remember the impact it made on me when I finally heard Mabel’s voice! And she was so angry! She was angry at Anna for switching places without asking her if she even wants that, and she didn’t fit in the real world acutely, and she has had a lot of pretensions and grievances. She was yelling a lot and hitting things. It was awesome. And then, sadly, it all lost the impact, because I then started noticing everything that I listed above and all this became just a baseline communication for her, and nothing had the time to reverberate. Her appearance was the best and the worst that could happen, because it could be executed so well, but instead has basically destroyed the formula of the show that seduced me in the first place.

And the formula was this – one sided relation from events we don’t know if they are actually happening, or if it’s a portrait of a person losing herself and going insane. The distortions instead of voices when the worlds were colliding and the other world and its inhabitants were communicating was absolutely selling that ambiguity. It was providing a certain foundation to Anna’s self-doubt if she isn’t going insane, and at the same time giving us the structure of the narrative that we’re familiar with, because we’ve been (I was, in Central Eastern Europe) raised on it. It was (and is, I stand by it) an amazing choice for showing an encounter with the Other, with strangeness that the modern world (and its recording devices) is not equipped to handle, and the heroes are barely able to as well. I do believe the only way to scare us at all in the XXI century and the time of incredibly realistic special effects is to leave us guessing, because only then we’ll be able to scare ourselves. The theatricality will work out where the gore fails, and here it worked spectacularly. I still don’t know who exactly was speaking in which moments, if the house was speaking at all, if it was maybe Luna Thorn or the King. Who the fuck knows, and what a delight it is.

But the story started to fall apart, as I said, when we finally had both girls actually talking to each other, and then them speaking of the other as if she was not theoretically right next to her. In the exact manner as when they were apart, divided by the veil between the real world and the fairy kingdom. The distance disappeared, we got both points of view, and that should be the moment of losing the gravity, and I think it would kind of saved the show. Unfortunately, I say as a mantra here, even though the attempts were made – bravo for Anna, expressing her desire for Mabel to just fucking talk to her like a normal person and to co-exist, be in the same spacetime. To which we got a counterargument that oh, of bloody course Anna wants normalcy because that’s her fetish, and Mabel is not normal because she’s barely human and did even Anna love her all this time, can she love her after confronting that otherness of Mabel? Aaand there it went. I mean, it does make narrative sense a lot, but it also prevents from riding out the narrative high C, and so we are still listening to an equivalent of ten hour version of the last phrase from the Phantom of the Opera theme song.

The romance starts showing its imperfections, and normally it would be good, because it would lead us to the protagonists deepening the connection, going from the abstract, ideative one, to one forged in the fire of just being in near proximity, and in situations where they are supposed to work out compromises to rely on each other, instead of making decisions for the other and expecting gratitude. At the point which I listened to last, they confronted that issue, but didn’t seem like it was going anywhere (yet?). Which leads me to a point, that I will probably listen to at least a couple more episodes, both because I sort of want to give it a chance and to know how it will unfold, and also because I have another upcoming journey and what you expect me to be doing on a train?

Yeah, that’s about that. Gods, what the hell, I had no idea I would write this much. There might be several grammatical mistakes in this meta, because I am not a native speaker and there is no way I am going to go over 2k of words that nobody may even read, and I should seriously be going back to what I should be doing instead of this. Though I admit, right now I will try to go to the gym, because I am highly caffeinated (have you noticed???) and I, like, cannot really do caffeine. At all. Why did I do that? Oh yeah, I had to because I was working on some stuff before. Oh gods, how will I even fall asleep today.

[commandertheory]

Unstable Commander Set Review

Overall Thoughts

If your playgroup allows silver-bordered cards, then you’ll find that this is a great set for Commander. Unstable has a ton of high-powered cards, thanks in large part to the fact that it didn’t have to be balanced for Standard. Unstable also benefits from its ability to explore themes that the Comprehensive Rules normally prevent R&D from touching, resulting in many unique effects that can potentially inspire new archetypes.

My main complaint about the set is that not all of its themes were given a legendary creature to incentivize building around them. For example, “watermarks matter” was a small theme that only got one powerful card (Watermarket). One strong maindeck card can’t support 98 others, so unfortunately, the theme is unlikely to have a presence in Commander. If, however, Wizards had designed a legendary creature that supported watermarked cards, they could have created an entirely new archetype out of the 1700 or so cards that have been printed with watermarks.

Likewise, Contraptions are a huge part of the set, taking up 45 of Unstable’s card slots, and yet there is no legendary creature that assembles Contraptions. If you want to have a chance at assembling a Contraption in Commander, you have to play a five-color deck that runs all 18 cards that assemble them, regardless of their quality. Why not open this class of cards up to the largest casual format in the game by spending a single card slot on a Legendary creature that supports their use?

Card Ratings

In this set review, I’ll be using two five-point rating scales to evaluate the nonlegendary cards, one that measures how many decks a card is playable in (we’ll call that “spread”), and one that measures how powerful it is in those decks (”power”). Here’s a brief rundown of what each rank on the two scales means:

Spread

1: This card is effective in one or two decks, but no more (ex: The Gitrog Monster). 2: This card is effective in one deck archetype (ex: self-mill decks). 3: A lot of decks will be able to use this card effectively (ex: decks with graveyard interactions). 4: This card is effective in most decks in this color. 5: Every deck in this color is able to use this card effectively.

Power

1: This card is always going to be on the chopping block. 2: This card is unlikely to consistently perform well. 3: This card provides good utility but is not a powerhouse. 4: This card is good enough to push you ahead of your opponents. 5: This card has a huge impact on the game.

The Commanders of Unstable

In this section, I’ll be analyzing the new legendary creatures, offering some ideas for decks build around them, and discussing their potential for inclusion in the 99 of other decks.

Unsurprisingly, getting a fast win with Spike is trivially easy. There are probably more efficient ways to do it, but the first that comes to mind is to build a manabase with a ton of lands that can produce mana of any color (this list should have most of them). Cast Spike on turn two (or earlier, with acceleration), then search out Channel and Emrakul, the Aeons Torn (both banned in Commander, natch). Use your colorful manabase to produce double green and then chain Channel into Emrakul to start annihilating your opponents’ permanents. Anyone know of more efficient ways to kill with Spike?

In the maindeck:

Spread: 5 Power: 5

Cheap one-card combos are exactly what the 5/5 rating is for.

(Legal as a commander per Blogatog errata).

The Grand Calcutron seems like a strong commander, although building the deck and playing with it is a little difficult to wrap one’s head around. Take my advice with a grain of salt, as I’m sure this card requires a lot of playtesting in order to use correctly. I think that reactive effects like counterspells are pretty bad in this deck, as you’re going to want to clear out your program every turn in order to get the maximum value off of his end step trigger. As a result, I think that you want to spend as many deck slots as possible on acceleration (so you can clear your program more easily) or combo pieces (Paradox Engine is a good option, since you’re running lots of mana rocks anyway).

If you’re not interested in comboing out with artifacts, there’s an argument to be made for an aggro Calcutron build that happily vomits threats onto the board, safe in the knowledge that they’ll be replaced at the end step.

In the maindeck:

Spread: 1 Power: 4

The Grand Calcutron is not at its best in most UW builds, since he encourages a completely different strategy than the slow, controlling ones that UW excels at. If there’s a UW build that seeks to dump its hand quickly, he should be one of the best cards in it.

Phoebe is great at hosing opposing creatures, and there are a couple neat ways you can build around her, as well. Phage the Untouchable, Ashling 2.0, and Throat Slitter all have powerful saboteur effects that complement Phoebe’s evasion nicely, and there are a few creatures with abilities that can win the game when they’re combined on a single creature, such as Fallowsage/Wakethrasher/Siren of the Silent Song/etc. and Aphetto Alchemist/Norritt/Tidewater Minion.

In the maindeck:

Spread: 3 Power: 2

Blanking your opponents’ commanders is quite nice, but I suspect that Phoebe is a bit too inefficient to make the cut in most decks.

The mechanics are interesting but I don’t think the deck he suggests is too far from stock UB control lists.

In the maindeck:

Spread: 3 Power: 3

Aside from Survival/Fauna Shaman, discard outlets aren’t too common in Commander. X seems like a great way to generate value over the long game while screwing someone over.

Keeping the Baron alive long enough for the countdown to complete seems pretty difficult, and aside from an unusual focus on numbers, the deck is basically just BR Goodstuff. That being said, I think the way he encourages you to play gives a deck full of staples a whole new flavor.

In the maindeck:

Spread: 1 Power: 1

I can’t imagine this accomplishing anything in most decks.

Aside from the sweet value of double reanimation, there are also some great combos that you can put together in these colors with the aid of Buried Alive and self-mill effects (Infinity Elemental and Flayer of the Hatebound is the first that comes to mind, but I’m sure there are better ones). 

In the maindeck:

Spread: 3 Power: 2

Unlike many of the other repeatable reanimation critters in her colors, Grusilda has to wait a turn to get going. As a result, I think she’s less effective overall than most of the alternatives, despite being more powerful once she gets going.

Even after including Changelings, there are less than 10 Killbots in Magic, which means that (barring tutors) there will be games in which you never see a creature that will work with her ability. There are also limited ways to benefit from repeatedly switching her between your hand and the battlefield, since the ability doesn’t appear to trigger ETB effects.

In the maindeck:

Spread: 1 Power: 1

I can’t imagine there’s a deck out there that’s running all the cards that Mary needs in order to be effective, and if there was, I still don’t think you’d be able to assemble all the pieces with enough consistency to make her inclusion worthwhile.

Rakdos does not currently have a token commander (Boris Devilboon is way too weak to qualify, IMO), so The Big Idea essentially creates a new archetype for that color identity. Sac outlets like Attrition and Skullclamp allow you to convert his Brainiac minions into cards, while mana-generating sac outlets like Phyrexian Altar and Thermopod have the potential to go infinite with a Thornbite Staff. 

Alternatively, you can eschew the token sac strategy for an aggro plan that uses Coat of Arms, Shared Animosity, and other tribal pump to boost the size of your Brainiacs.

I don’t think the dice-doubling ability has a lot of utility outside of improving your token production, as most of the die-rolling cards from Unhinged and Unstable aren’t Commander-playable anyway.

In the maindeck:

Spread: 2 Power: 2

I think the investment of mana and time is a little too high for him to make the cut in most token decks in his colors.

Given the multiple levels of randomness involved, it’s difficult to evaluate what kind of impact Ol’ Buzzbark will have on the game. However, I’m skeptical that he’ll be very useful unless you’re spending absurd amounts of mana on him and flooding the board with dice. To that end, it makes sense to use him as a way for big mana decks to control the board and/or pump the team large enough for an alpha strike.

In the maindeck: 

Spread: 2 Power: 3

Ramp is a relatively common theme in GRx decks, so there are places that Ol’ Buzzbark could theoretically fit. I’m being a little generous in my assumptions about how the manual dexerity and luck shake out; please take this rating with a grain of salt.

There are only 10 host creatures in the Doctor’s color identity, and only one of them has an especially powerful effect. Tutoring out Angelic Rocket and making it squirrelly or serpentine will put you in a good position for a while, but if the most powerful thing your commander can do is get one half of a glass cannon combo that dies to Doom Blade, then he’s probably not very strong.

A more interesting way to build around Jumblemorph might be to focus on his Changeling ability, getting value off of Descendants’ Path or pumping Julius up with Alpha Status, Stoneforge Masterwork, and Coat of Arms.

In the maindeck:

Spread: 1 Power: 1

Unless you’ve got a tribal deck that’s in desperate need of new members that pass the vanilla test, you should probably skip him.

The Maindeck Cards

Spread: 1 Power: 3

There are sooooo many things you can do with this card. Remove counters from Undying and Persist creatures, convert artifacts into extra turns, manage soot counters (while simultaneously generating sac fodder), keep Glacial Chasm around longer, convert artifacts into Divinity counters, etc etc. The only problem with the card is that the cards it combos with it are very eclectic and there’s not currently a White commander that uses a critical mass of them.

Spread: 2 Power: 4

Seems pretty comparable to Kuldotha Forgemaster, in that it’ll probably win you the game if it survives long enough to activate twice. Basalt + Rings or Disk + Forge are the classic combos, but there may be additional options opened up by the fact that the Seraph combines text boxes into one card (Voltaic Construct and any rock that taps for 3 mana jump to mind, but I’m sure there are even better combos to be found).

Spread: 1 Power: 3

It’s probably worth including in superfriends, since whatever creatures you’re running become awesome blockers and your planeswalkers can continue to use their plus abilities after they’ve been attacked down to zero.

Spread: 4 Power: 3

As far as win conditions go, it requires very little of you. If you can protect it and give it evasion, it’ll kill people.

Spread: 1 Power: 3

Looks to be very good for Edric in metagames where contacts, Lasik, and 20/20 vision predominate.

Spread: 5 Power: 3

This is as close to an ETB Time Warp as we’re ever going to get. Decent by itself, insane if you ever start blinking or reanimating it.

Spread: 5 Power: 5

Storm’s irrelevant here; a savvy opponent will scoop when they see the first Storm Crow.

Spread: 5 Power: 2

If you consider that Blatant Thievery steals three times as many cards for less mana (when you factor in the cost to recast your discount item), you’ll see why I’m not very excited about this effect.

Spread: 3 Power: 4

Great with graveyard-oriented Blue commanders such as Dralnu, Hanna, Sedris, and Silas Renn, as well as any Blue decks running mass reanimation spells (Sidisi, Brood Tyrant comes to mind).

Spread: 2 Power: 2

I believe that changing “one” to “zero” on Sidisi, Brood Tyrant will get you infinite Zombies, although you’ll need a way to kill Sidisi and keep the interaction from tying the game. You can also make Nekusar deal double damage right before you Wheel, double Sliver Legion’s power boost for a turn, etc. Any other ideas for potential uses in Commander?

Spread: 2 Power: 3

Could be strong in heavy-Blue spell combo decks that rely on High Tide, as it can pay for itself, recur your High Tide, or get you a new hand of cards if you’re low on gas.

Spread: 2 Power: 4

Awesome in creature-heavy graveyard decks like Sidisi 1.0 or Jarad. If your deck is capable of breaking symmetry on cards like Tombstone Stairwell or Twilight’s Call, you can probably break the symmetry on this. 

The Scarab God’s upkeep trigger also gets much stronger when you get to count all the creatures in your graveyard.

Spread: 1 Power: 3

Increases the number of Brainiacs generated by The Big Idea by 2-4 per activation.

Spread: 5 Power: 2

I think the decks that can make the best use of this are aggressive decks that want a lot of dudes on the board (e.g., Dragonlord Kolaghan or Drana, Liberator of Malakir). The Zombie trinket text could potentially give it extra utility in The Scarab God, as well.

Also, you’re gonna want to use Legions packs.

Spread: 2 Power: 2

It’s gonna be best in Brion Stoutarm, but it’s probably a decent sucker punch in any Red deck whose commander can grant haste.

Spread: 2 Power: 4

The low-curve aggressive decks (think Goblins) that are most likely to be able to win a game of sudden death are also going to be able to make the best use of the damage-doubling pseudo-emblem. I imagine that Heartless Hidesugu is also pretty interested in this effect.

Spread: 1 Power: 3

Vanilla creatures with absurd power-to-cost ratios are exactly what Xenagos is looking for.

Spread: 2 Power: 3

It’s a little slow relative to cards like Avenger of Zendikar or Rampaging Baloths, but there are some token builds that wouldn’t mind running a Phantom General that makes its own army.

Spread: 3 Power: 4

With a few rare exceptions, tokens don’t have flavor text. As a result, a Bland Blessing means that every canned army you cast comes with a full hand of cards attached, and once you’re ahead on board and ahead on cards, you’re probably on the path to victory.

Spread: 5 Power: 1

Terrible in 100-card singleton.

Spread: 5 Power: 2

The obvious way to place cards on the bunker (flat on the table around the edges of the card) maxes out at 6, although if your friends are clever they can find ways to stand cards up vertically to fit way more. If they don’t think to use three dimensions, then (assuming it’s a 4-player game) the bunker will probably pop on the third round of turns after you cast it, meaning that one of your opponents will lose all but two permanents. 

While that sounds like a sweet outcome, your opponents get way too much time to find an answer, it’s uncertain enough that it may not hit the most threatening player, and this card might never have an effect if your opponents think more laterally about how they place their cards.

Spread: 5 Power: 3

It essentially lets you draw an extra card each turn and makes you more vulnerable to Exsanguinate and Earthquake effects, but there are probably some intangible benefits to the arrangement, as well. Maybe the person you invite to join your team is a better player than you, or maybe two players can work together to track a complex board state more effectively than either would have been able to do on their own.

Spread: ??? Power: ???

Remind me to update this review on December 8th.

Spread: 5 Power: 2

Angel of Despair ain’t what it used to be. Being both an artifact and a creature allows the Angel to slot into multiple types of recursion engines, but it’s probably still too inefficient for most decks.

Spread: 1 Power: 2

Double up on Giant Fan’s effect, if you’re into that sort of thing(amajig). I wouldn’t try to use this as a proliferate engine; it’s too inefficient.

Spread: 2 Power: 4

Strictly better than Mindslaver as long as your target has a lot of enemies in the Magic community.

Spread: 1 Power: 3

Great in Ol’ Buzzbark (use two different colors of dice), The Big Idea, and your Krark theme deck.

Spread: 2 Power: 3

As far as Dragon token generation goes, this is one of the better options. Definitely worth a shot in The Ur-Dragon and Dragon tribal decks based around the five FRF Dragon commanders.

Spread: 1 Power: 2

It could be a useful addition to theme decks and decks focused around themes that are limited to a single block (e.g. infect decks).

Wrapping Up

Please let me know if there are any cards I missed that you think are Commander-playable or if you’ve got other ideas for how to use the above cards. Thanks for reading!

[robbyrobinson]

Ranking the Sisters

10. Lily: Again, while I do like Lily, she doesn't have that much of a personality besides being cute. Really, I feel that Lily is pointless at some points; her only purpose is to be cute, and to say "poo poo."

9. Lisa: Now, I have said this before, so I'll keep it brief. I mainly dislike Lisa because she comes off as a conceited girl who looks down on her siblings and others. I mean, I get that she's supposed to be a genius and all, but does she really need to put others down? Besides that, she also came off as a killjoy to me, especially in episodes like "Snow Bored" in which she was planning to melt the snow so that the schools would be open that day. That's not even getting into the fact that she performs experiments on her own siblings at points, much like how she gave Luan a cookie that caused her to temporarily glow in the dark, or that one time that she accidentally caused Leni's head to swell up. And then she nearly electrocuted Lily. No, Lisa, it doesn't matter that you were going to give Lily a sucker afterwards; that was just messed up. Oh, and the whole thing with taking stool samples....thankfully, one fanfic passes that off as her just being concerned about their health so that's okay, I guess.

8. Lynn: You all know how I feel about her. Even as season 2 is nearing its end, nothing has made me come to like Lynn. Really, the one word that I can think of when I'm thinking about Lynn is bully. Now while I get that some people may not like Lori or Lola because they're jerks, at the very least, they have moments that show that they're not terrible at heart. With Lynn, you barely get that. I mean if threatening to beat Lincoln, karate chopping him, doing the Dutch Oven on him, etc. is her definition of affection, I want no part in that. I still think her worst episode was definitely "Space Invader." She acts ungrateful to Lincoln after she was kicked out of her own room and he begrudgingly allowed her to stay in his. I guess what I mean is while I personally believe that she does all this to Lincoln without any ill intention, she is never made to realize that enough is enough. And then theres' the fandom....Lynn has to be one of the most overrated of the sisters, well besides one that'll appear later in the list. I mean, I don't get it; why do people like her? I mean, besides the normal art, you of course have Loudcest, which I blame "Space Invader" for. I tried....I really tried to like Lynn, but after everything, especially NSL (which I did not hate; I still think that Lincoln was at fault), I just don't think I'll ever like her. I don't hate her, but I also think she's one of the weakest of the sisters as she has yet to have any noticeable character development.

7. Lori: Now, while I do agree with some blogs that say that there's more to Lori than meets the eye, I still don't find her interesting. Out of the sisters, she doesn't have any noticeable talents. She just comes off as being kind of average. And then there's those moments where she gets mad. Some are understandable, but then there are some moments where she comes off as a bratty little child. Case in point, "Save the Date." She forces Lincoln to go on a double date without his consent, all because Bobby dumped her when Lincoln accidentally offended his sister. Really? Does Lori even value Lincoln as a brother? I just get the sense that had Lincoln not have been born into their family, they might not want much to do with him. I don't mean to say it that way, but if you care more that your boyfriend dumped you than your own sibling....

6. Luan: I find Luan annoying at some points. Just getting that out of the way. She's energetic, almost happy all the time, etc. but I just tend to find her irritating especially with her puns. While some of them are funny, a lot of her puns are the death of comedy. And that's not even getting into how she becomes criminally unhinged whenever April Fools' Day is on the horizon. She can give even the Joker a run for his money. However, as I have said, I didn't hate "April Fools' Rules." I am still amused with how much thought Luan puts into her pranks. Really, they seem like a lot of them required meticulous planning. As for a "Fool's Paradise....." she was a borderline serial killer in that episode. Of course no one died, but she seemed to be even more psychotic in that episode. I'm just really worried for Luan's mental state. She seems to bubble all of this up, only to go all out on one day. However even then, I wouldn't label Luan as "evil." She just comes off as someone who just wants to have fun, but she just doesn't think it through enough.

5. Lana: Lana is an okay character. For the most part, I like her because of how she likes to get her hands dirty, as well as how she likes things like mud, frogs, reptiles, bugs, etc. Of course, my absolute favorite episode regarding Lana is still "Toads and Tiaras." I really loved the bonding she had with Lincoln, and how she ends up winning because she chose to be herself. However, I do sometimes get a little nauseous regarding Lana because of her eating habits. She ate worms once, she eats dog food (but her comment about dog biscuits keeping her "coat" clear was pretty funny), and she even ate a wadded piece of gum she got from a garbage can. It's really a miracle that the only time this girl got sick was when she contracted the flu.

4. Luna: I don't really know how to go about discussing Luna. For the most part, I like her; I mean, while I'm not much of a music guy, I do often like hearing Luna jam on her bass guitar or playing other instruments. I also find her to be one of the more kind sisters (no, I'm not going to use that nice sister crap if you think I'm going to), and I just ultimately found her to be kind of cool. If I had an older sister, I would definitely want her to be kind of like Luna. On the other hand...sometimes I get annoyed with Luna's voice. It's like scratching nails across a chalkboard. I mean, not necessarily when she uses that pseudo-British accent. When she's singing or something like that...really, Luna isn't one of those types that should sing. I mean at some points I'd be like "Dude, turn it down a couple volumes, please?" Seriously; besides her short hair and butch appearance, no wonder my mom confused Luna as a boy. She can seriously pass herself off as one. And as you would've probably guessed if you've read this far without chucking your computer out the window: I feel that she's way overrated. Besides that nicer sister nonsense, her reveal as a bisexual. I have spoken to death about how I feel on the subject; while I love the twist...it doesn't really make Luna better in my eyes. I mean, 99.9% of comments on "L" is for Love amount to "OMG! Luna likes girls! Best. Character. Ever!" I mean, who cares? Well besides those who dumped the show for that stupid reason. Just because a characters' gay, lesbian, bisexual, or trans does not make them an automatic good character. There should be more depth to their character. We know about the character, but we don't know anything about that character. Just because Luna's bi does not make her automatically good. She's not a bad character, but she comes off as pretty hollow overall.

3. Lola: OK, while I love parading that Lola is a sociopath, but I don't ultimately believe that to be the case. In regards to who is the more visibly entertaining of the sisters, Lola has that in spades. She's hammy with how self-centered she is, she overreacts a lot. I mean, remember how she was in "Out of the Picture?" She was overly dramatic about her bad yearbook photo. Besides that, I also love her "evil" moments. They're over the top and funny with how terrified the other siblings get around her, etc. Besides that, she has moments where she can be pretty nice. Especially with "Out of the Picture" where she voices her gratitude towards Lincoln and Clyde for changing the photo, saying that if anything, she'd remember what they did for her. And then JFMStudios ruined that heartwarming moment by making an alternate ending. Curse you, JFMStudios (jk)!!

2. Leni: I just love how innocent Leni can often be with her cluelessness. Amongst the sisters, I find Leni as one of the more quotable. I also like how she's generally one of the more kind of the sisters, and how she can be thoughtful at some points. If you're worried that she may get too played as dumb frequently, they always manage to have a moment where Leni is smart in her own way to the point that some of her ideas could pass as outright ingenious.

1. Lucy: Again. Much like with my first list, Lucy ended up scoring the number one spot somehow. If I ranked the sisters by which personality suited me the most, I somehow ended up scoring under Lucy. I mean I'm serious; I once did a personality quiz based on the show, and I somehow ended up getting Lucy. At some points, I do kind of feel like I understand Lucy the most, because I feel the same way about certain things myself. Sometimes I feel unhappy, sometimes I feel that others ignore me or see me as invisible, or sometimes I feel that life isn't fair. I guess that's what often drifts me towards liking Lucy the most. Not in some kinship, obviously, but I find her relatable. On another note, one thing I have in common with Lucy is how I seemingly appear in other places of my house without my parents or grandmother noticing, and then unintentionally scaring them. Of course, that's because I walk fast, sometimes without making a sound, but that's beside the point.

Your favorites from best to worse?

[the-wolfs-raven]

♌: what’s your family like?♍: other blogs?♎: would you date your muse?♏: would you and your muse be friends?♐: 3 things that scare you

♌: what’s your family like?

Ooh.  Boy.  Well, my dad’s pretty chill.  He was a hippy and all that.  Did a LOT of drugs in his time (which I didn’t learn about til this year.  Go figure.).  Got a bit of casual racism stuck in his humor, but he doesn’t mean any ill-will to anyone.  He’s a good guy overall.

My mother and her family, though.  Damn.  Like.  I’ve never met anyone so hateful and paranoid about the world.  Grandma turned me into a fundamentalist Christian psycho in elementary school (thankfully that got nipped in the bud in middle school).  Ma always said she’d disown us if we were gay (then did a complete 180 when my brother came out).  They’ve mellowed a bit with time, but now Grandma has Alzheimer's and is a complete psycho nut again.  Also, again with the casual racism, but they’re far more serious about it.  Typical MAGA folk.

So woo for breaking the hate cycle, I guess?

♍: other blogs?

Loads.  

@thepalewolfhowls is Tara’s daughter, Taria Fletcher.  My little lore bender.  Very angry daughter of Lo’Gosh with a fondness for orcs and punching people.  She has her own daughter now, Accalia, and a sort-of mate, Grok’tor Ironbite, a grizzled war veteran.  Taria underwent chronomantic aging to make her an adult (partially because I fucked up my timelines.  Partially because a child is an inconvenient agent and adult Taria can break so many more skulls).  She would have been around 7 years old if not for the aging, but she is fully an adult, physically, mentally, and emotionally (though her step-father may argue the latter.  lol)

@bluewolfcaravan is Tara’s trading and shop ventures.  Lots of fun stuff there when I’m not too dead to run them.  

@the-white-lioness is Ishtara Lionstar.  A Night Elf whore who originally turned Tara down the path of owning her sexuality.  She and her lions are all named for Assyrian (Mesopotamian, whatever) figures since its a good chunk of my heritage.  Lovely lion whore, basically.  

@wordhobbies is Necrocia Witherwing aka Twitchy formerly known as Sentinel Lyralel Dawnwhisper.  After a traumatic blow to the head, the elf became completely unhinged, putting herself in dangerous situations and stitching herself back together.  Though she’s never technically died, you wouldn’t know it from looking at her.  She also has...Hobbies.  Lots of hobbies.  “I asked myself, why should a murloc only have two eyes?  Why not ten?  Or TWENTY THREE?!”  …ehem…Her fascination with hobbies was actually pulled from an eccentric character from a children’s cartoon (Grandpapa Thistle from Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom).  Occasionally, she has short periods of sanity where her hair returns to its normal state and she becomes terrified of everything that’s happened to her.  Twitchy is almost emaciated and has various scribbles, scars, tattoos, etc all over her body from just...various things.  Sometimes she needs to remember something and she’ll literally just ink it into her skin.  If she can’t find something to tattoo herself with, she’ll just carve it on.  She’s extremely difficult to play for a long period of time because she just requires SO much energy.

@obscure-snowdrop is my little Shadow Whisperer bookworm who I made specifically to join the Crows.  She began hearing whispers at a young age and they keep her relatively sane despite her horrific life.  If wards or any such thing silence the whispers, she goes into a fit as everything that has worn on her over time coalesces in one fell swoop.

@snaythes These were my spook family from many fandoms back.  They are hemomancers of sorts with various quirks.  The eldest brother builds furniture from human parts.  One brother is a butcher who specializes in cannibalistic delicacies.  One brother, who had his heart broken, incorporates unused bodies into their home’s décor.  His ex-fiancée currently serves as a chandelier in the living room (I realize the irony).  The only sister is a painter who works with macabre and lascivious subjects.  She and the eldest brother have an...unconventional relationship.  The youngest brother is the most tame, and doesn’t really share his family’s penchant for violence and murder.

@korbintavernack aka Nix is a Blacktalon agent who worked closely with Taria in the past.  He’s a brawler and a magebreaker with enough wards to silence any magical activity in a 20 foot radius around himself.  He’s also responsible for the warding on Taria’s mind making her resistant to mental attacks and manipulation.

@theunkindness is an organization of (traditionally only Kaldorei) assassins and thieves who take morally upright contracts overall (killing bad folk like slavers, abusers, etc).  Tara is a part of the Unkindness and still communicates with several of her old contacts.

@winterscalesheir is the original Warhammer 40k Tarvasha.  She is the complete opposite of WoW Tara and I have no idea how it happened.  The bastard daughter of Rogue Trader Calligos Winterscale, she’s determined to find the Baleful eye of Sebastian Winterscale and cement herself among her father’s bloodline.

♎: would you date your muse?

I mean, if I had to date someone, Tara would be a pretty high reach for me.  I think I’d feel way too inferior to actually date someone like her, though I’d shower the poor girl with affection.  We’d probably try to outdo each other in gift-giving and kind gestures.  However, Tara is more heteroromantic, as am I, so even given the chance, it probably wouldn’t work.  lol

♏: would you and your muse be friends?

I think we’d make decent friends.  I don’t like the upkeep that comes with friendships and Tara tends to disappear a lot, so I think that would work out just fine in the end.

♐: 3 things that scare you 

Someone breaking into my house.  Seems kinda specific, but here’s the thing:  I have a shit fight or flight response, even when my kids are involved (I once left them in the backyard as I was running away from a wasp).  This is partially due to the fact that I was terrified of SIDS, so I didn’t allow myself to bond with my kids when they were born.  A lot of people I know are like “Yeah, I’d bust someone’s ass if they ever tried to touch my kids” but honestly, I feel like I’d probably run like a bitch and hate myself forever for it.  But who knows?  Maybe I’d pick up a floor lamp and fucking wreck someone’s day?  I’d rather not find out one way or the other.

Losing my technology.  I live through screens.  All of my memories are contained in my tech and on the web.  I’m terrified that I’d lose those things.  I’ve already had a phone run over and lost all of my children’s baby photos and videos.  I have very little memory of those times, so losing that was pretty heartbreaking for me.

Apocalypse.  Any sort of end-of-the-world bullshit where you’ve gotta figure out how to survive.  A lot of my friends have bug out bags and everything else but my oldest is a Type 1 diabetic.  If the places producing insulin suddenly stop, I have no way to keep my daughter alive.  It’ll be cyanide pills for the lot of us.

Thanks for the ask @latildarommel!  Sorry it got so heart-wrenching at the end.  lol