#over and done so i cant drain my whole ass account

[3416]

honestly im happy i do not know the website where you buy or place bets on some leafs merchandise, bc i bet im spending all my money there LOL

flskdjhfjidskflsdjkflsdkfsdklf... well if you ever want it, lmk... they upload random dumps of game-worn and locker-room-worn stuff or signed stuff sometimes, but you legit never know when it's going up and it'll be there on auction for like a week

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 318: On Your Left

Previously on BnHA: The Hawksquad+Lurkers were all “well this sucks” and sat around a bit talking about how maybe they should actually come up with a new plan that is actually good, but then in the end they were like “nah.” Deku was all, “THERE’S SOMETHING INSIDE ME THAT PULLS BENEATH THE SURFACE!! CONSUMING, CONFUSING!! THIS LACK OF SELF CONTROL I FEAR IS NEVERENDING. IT’S HAUNTING HOW I CANT SEEM TO FIND MYSELF AGAIN. MY WALLS ARE CLOSING IN.” Just, literally that whole entire song. All Might was all “Deku you should take care of yourself, try eating a thing,” and Deku was all “BYE, ALL MIGHT,” and just LEFT. He left!!! What the fuck!!!

Today on BnHA: Endeavor is all, “maybe if Deku didn’t listen to All Might he’ll listen to me instead.” Deku is all, “[doesn’t listen to Endeavor]” because, well, yeah. The Vestiges are all, “surprisingly, even we are a little concerned -- maybe you should get some rest, kid.” Deku is all, “((Ò ‸ Ó)).” The Vestiges are all, “holy shit.” Deku is all, “[wanders the ruined city streets terrifying the populace on account of him looking like Shelob had a baby with one of the Nazgul].” Some shriveled-up puppeteer villain asshole is all, “HORIKOSHI SAID IT’S MY TURN TO ATTACK DEKU TODAY SO I AM GOING TO SUMMON MY FRIGHTENED HELPLESS ATTACK MOB!!” Kacchan is all “WHADDYA MEAN THEY FOUND THE NERD!!! -- oh wait, that’s me, I found him. I found the nerd, you guys.” And just in time, too. I was about to owe a whole lot of people a whole lot of dollars.

so I have been super good about spoilers this week as always, but let me tell you guys, for the past 36 hours my dash filters have basically been nonstop “manga spoilers” this and “bnha 318” that, and so I’m coming in with a fair amount of hype here. your move, Horikoshi

oh, good! they got Endeavor to call Deku to try to talk him out of it. what a great and wonderful plan

“listen up kid, you haven’t slept since March and you are basically a walking biohazard right now, I’m just telling it like it is. didn’t you get shot like three times?? and there was a whole thing about how you urgently needed medical attention?? and supposedly we gave it to you, but I mean you haven’t even changed your clothes and don’t seem to have any fresh bandages or anything, so did we?? did we, really?? and also we all got blown up yesterday, so yeah.” hmm he’s making some reasonable points here you guys, but you sure do go on and on, Endeavor

oh he says foreign aid is finally on its way! I’m sure they’ll be very helpful. I mean in fairness they can hardly be worse than the home-grown heroes at this point

hey Enji, could you maybe try appealing to Deku the sixteen-year-old human boy, as opposed to Deku The World’s Last Hope? he does have value beyond his quirk. I know that’s always been an incredibly difficult concept for you to grasp, but could you maybe TRY, jesus

and also we’re worried about you as a person?? you’re just a kid and you’re pushing yourself way too hard?? you were going to say that part next, right. why the hell didn’t Hawks make this call instead

“don’t worry about me... I’m completely fine” Deku you do understand that saying it over and over again doesn’t actually make it true

and again with the rush!! all the rush rush rush!! we’re running out of time, we can’t let AFO and Tomura keep getting stronger, I have to end this now, there’s no time to rest, etc. etc. etc. just the constant pressure of this whole big countdown on top of everything else

holy shit, you KNOW it’s bad when even the Vestiges are telling him to chill

these guys are basically the walking talking embodiments of self-sacrifice; if even they’re telling him he needs to take five, then he must seriously be like half a step away from death’s door

OH SHIT LMAO

DIDN’T EVEN LET HIM FINISH HIS SENTENCE BEFORE HE SENT HIM INTO THE FUCKING SHADOW REALM WITH THAT FUCKING LOOK. HOLY FUCK. DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO DIE TWICE. SHIT

(ETA: so I’m pretty sure this was just Danger Sense activating and so he cut them off to go do more hero stuff, but I’m gonna go ahead and stick to my original interpretation anyway lol.)

anyway so how’s everybody doing. we all good? En, you good? Banjou? Shino? I’m imagining you guys all curled up in a little ball on the floor right now lol. can’t say I blame you though, no shame

lmaoooooooooooo

“SHEESH.” sheesh indeed, lmao. “what in the FUCK was that”

see, this is why y’all need Kacchan. you need someone who’s not going to back down from him no matter what. if it’s a matter of out-stubborning Midoriya fucking Izuku, then there’s only one other person on the planet capable of that, and we all know it. don’t pretend like you don’t. I am not going to shut up about this! we’ve had our hurt so now what about SOME COMFORT, DAMMIT

“I’m afraid that he’s becoming influenced by my conscience” nah are you kidding Nana this is all 100% made-in-Japan pure original Deku right here

see, Banjou gets it. “that kid, he’s totally going on his own.” exactly. this was so inevitable it was basically scientific law

“well I for one don’t see the problem with Deku being so obsessed with saving everyone else that he pushes himself until his body and soul literally fall apart” okay, whose speech bubbles are these?? we’re about to have words

lol of course

well you always did prefer the direct route didn’t you. but even you can’t possibly think this is okay lol

dark AU!Kacchan please tell us more about your badass doomed timeline in which everything went to shit and you apparently had the same character arc that Deku is having right now except it somehow made you sexier instead of turning you into a rabid t-rex. I have so many questions

oh so now you want to help??? well -- good, actually. sorry if that sounded offended just now lol

(ETA: so at first when I got to the end of this chapter I was wondering if Katsuki B. had somehow summoned his alternate-universe counterpart through trippy OFA space telepathy lol. but in the original Japanese there’s no reference to “we”, so this appears to be a mistranslation. this line should probably read more like “if there’s something/someone out there that would be able to complement/complete the current Midoriya Izuku [it would be]…” which, oh hello, is that Horikoshi once again reaffirming that Deku and Bakugou complete each other lol. “guess what guys, the Vestiges ship it too" heck yeah. they know what’s up!)

look how admiring his boyfriends are. HORIKOSHI GIVE US THE REST OF THIS BACKSTORY ALREADY GODDAMMIT

“meanwhile somewhere in the depths of the ruined city, Deku was having a dance-off with the villains”

I like how the villains all have this “AHH WHAT THE FUCK” kind of body language to them lol. I mean if it were me, and an eldritch horror suddenly clawed its way from the shadows with its writhing glowy tentacles and pants-shitting nuclear death stare, I would probably just die on the spot. no need to stick around. only pain awaits

lol for a minute I thought this was Can’t Ya See-kun and I was like “WHAT A FASCINATING CROSSING OF PATHS” but it’s just some random girl

he seems genuinely confused lol

Deku it’s because you look like something that crawled out of a sewer drain, sweetheart

lol they just took his word for it?

so trusting. even though they’re immediately hauling ass anyway just to be safe lmao

“my appearance is frightening to others” no shit Deku it’s because you look like a fucking alien exorcism. you look like a Lich that got caught up in an oil spill my dude

NO NOT THE CHOSEN ONE ANGST AGAIN

I RAN OUT OF ESSAY JUICE FOR THIS ALREADY HORIKOSHI!! I’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT FOR MONTHS NOW WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG!! BUT ANYWAYS, GOOD!! I MEAN, BAD, THOUGH, OBVIOUSLY. BUT YES

“ENJOY THIS MONTAGE OF DEKU BATTLING A RANDOM KAIJU AND WANDERING THE WOODS LIKE A DERANGED GREEN BABA YAGA” okay yes but sir, exactly how much longer is this going to go on. if it’s a matter of you wanting to make sure we get it, let me assure you that aside from a few stray chuunis who think that Deku embracing the Darkness is the coolest thing he’s ever done, all of us here in fandom fully comprehend that this is Not Good

-- OH SO IT’S LIKE THAT

really. with the flashbacks to his loved ones’ smiling faces and everything. not even gonna try to aim above the belt, huh

AND NO KACCHAN??! NO CLASSMATES?!?! IS HE PURPOSELY NOT THINKING OF THEM??? OR ARE THEY BEING SAVED FOR THE NEXT PAGE??? SO HELP ME, IF THE NEXT PART OF THIS SENTENCE IS “CAN PROTECT THEM”, OR EVEN WORSE, “CAN SEE THEIR SMILING FACES AGAIN”, I...

WHAT DID I JUST SAY

(ETA: my man did Sero and Kaminari fucking dirty lmao. I miss their smiling faces too omg.)

the sheer, unparalleled irony of him saying this while he stands there looking like the gargoyle demon from Fantasia got crossed with an umbrella that got struck by lightning. Deku :(

oi who the fuck is this clown

is he controlling this mob with his evil hair. “what if I made an exhausted, running-on-fumes Deku battle a brainwashed mob at Ground Zero.” Horikoshi do you just have like a checklist of horrible things you want to do to your protagonist

easy there Sasori

well joke’s on you buddy because he’s apparently “completely fine”, so

“here’s to hoping that you know more about AFO’s location than the others” jesus christ Deku you really have hung your mercy out to dry huh

now he’s forcing his mob of terrified prisoners to attack Deku ahhhh. sucks to be them. at least they’re not being controlled by bees

so Deku is saying that Sasori’s control can be broken with “physical trauma.” similar to Shinsou’s quirk I guess. but so does that mean he’s gonna have to hurt them? ( •﹏•)

NO NOT MORE SAD EYES

“DEATH BY EMPATHY!!!” HORIKOSHI NO

fuck. he looks like he’s on the verge of passing out

this is what happens when you nerf a character’s self-preservation stats in favor of spamming their bone-breaking stats instead. NOW ACCEPTING BRAIN CELL DONATIONS FOR A BOY IN NEED!! with your loving generosity we can hopefully help him live to the ripe old age of seventeen

OMGFGGG

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[grabs your hands] ლ(*꒪ヮ꒪*)ლ [swings you in a circle] へ(ﾟ◇ﾟへ)

THASSSSSSSS WHATSSSSSSS UPPPPPPPPPP

HORIKOSHI REALLY SAID FUCK THAT MASK (ノ°ο°)ノ YOU FINALLY LEARNED!! IT’S CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!!

JUST FOR YOU KACCHAN, HORIKOSHI LEFT THIS ONE BAD GUY WHO’S STILL WEAK TO FIRE. GOD BLESS

IT’S YOUR COUNTERPART, KATSUKI B!!!! HOW WE DOIN OVER THERE IN THE TRIPPY COSMIC OFA SPACE REALM LOL. DO WE BELIEVE YET, FANDOM???

LIGHTS!!!!

INSTANT RESULTS!!! IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE!!!

(ETA: imagine what this must look like to Deku though. he’s been caught up in this dark cloud of despair and exhaustion that’s been building up over... I’m gonna go ahead and say “weeks”, because yeah. and now he finds himself here, in the place where All Might’s legacy ended and the torch was passed to him. and the world is in ruins, and he’s surrounded by frightened people who are all trying to hurt him -- because who isn’t trying to hurt him, these days -- and he’s scrambling to figure this all out, but meanwhile the weariness is finally starting to catch up to him, and so he’s basically just standing there in a fog of complete and utter misery.

and then all of a sudden through that haze, he hears the one voice that’s more familiar than any other that he knows. like, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he thought he was just imagining it at first. Kacchan showing up to save him right when he’s at his most desperate and feeling the most alone. Kacchan, showing up to save him.

this is the person he always looked up to as a child (to be fair he was quite a strange child lmao). the person who was even closer to him than All Might. the person he always thought was amazing. and bam, here he is now. appearing in the sky out of nowhere to one-shot the bad guy with a single blast (which, btw, that was his armor-piercing attack too lmao dslkjlk take it easy there kiddo). like, that must have felt absolutely surreal to him, especially coming at a time when he’s already half-delirious and barely hanging on to reality. he must have really thought that he was losing it there for a second.

but he’s really there. it really is him. and for this brief moment -- before the rest of the situation catches up to him, and he remembers about all of the fucked-up AFO stuff, and remembers why he was so afraid and why he was pushing everyone away -- for just this one brief moment, he’s too exhausted and stunned to do anything except to just react. just stands there, looking up at him in awe.

and you know, it almost reminds me of...

just. you guys. the character development. the freaking character development. someone who brings reassurance. someone who shows up and makes you think, “oh, it’s all going to be okay now, because [person] is here.” the role reversals. the growth. the payoff!! because who is the one person who always had faith that Kacchan would one day grow up to become an amazing hero like that. WHO IS IT. YOU ALREADY KNOW.

omg. anyways, bless you Horikoshi, my feels which have been on backorder since fucking September have finally arrived lmao. yes, good, thank you. worth the wait. it is always, always worth the wait. fuck yeah.)

“LOWFRIES” SO YOU’RE TELLING ME THE WHOLE GANG IS HERE, AHHHHHHHH (º̩̩́⌣º̩̩̀ )

BEAUTIFUL. WONDERFUL. SENSATIONAL. I DON’T EVEN CARE THAT JUMP IS ON BREAK NEXT WEEK. THIS RIGHT HERE WILL SUSTAIN ME

[dystopia-fantasy]

Always read the job description -Part 1

Max was a fit, well built man. He had been body building since he was 14 and now In his early 40s he has the body of a god, but is slowly getting to the age when he needs to find another way to make money. He knows he can't take part in his competitions anymore, and needs to take it easy. He got great grades in school and college, proving people wrong that you can't be a nerd in a jock body.

Max had some money saved and was able to keep up on bills for a few months but needed a job to keep his large house, in the rich area of the city. He got a call from a business he applied to a couple of days ago, telling him to go in for an interview tomorrow, and if it goes well he will be sent straight on a trip for the company. He gets his new blue suit ready to be worn the next day.

The morning arrives, it's 5am, and Max wakes. He does his normal morning routine, making breakfast, working out, taking a shower, then gets his suit on ready for his early morning interview. Driving to the office building in the middle of New York, it's at least 50 stories high, and is made of mostly glass, and is one of the newest modern builds in the city.

On arrival a large man in his late 60s wearing a suit greets him, "hello sir, you must be max, Sir Mammon is on his way down to collect you, may I say what an amazing suit you have on today".

Max looks the man up and down, seeing the man's huge belly flowing out from under his dress shirt, showing a massive W shape, "thanks mate, you might want a bigger shirt" then points to his belly.

"sorry if I offended you sir, but all clothing has been chosen by Sir Mammon himself" Mammon is the big boss of the business "if you would like to make a complaint I can print you a form".

Max laughs, "No thanks, I'm gonna sit over there, tell Mammon im there".

"will do sir, have a great day" the man says while max walks away paying no more attention to him.

About 15 minutes later a young handsome slender man walks over. "Max is it?" He says behind Max.

"yes.." max says confused.

"I'm Mammon, nice to meet you" he smiles holding his hand out for a shake.

"oh hello Mammon, is wasn't expecting someone so young, no offence of course" max shaking his hand.

Mammon let's out a little laugh, with a little grin "it's ok max, people don't expect someone like me to own such a remarkable company like this one would you like to follow me, we can go up to my office, this is Mark by the way, he's my Butler". Mark is another large man aged around 50, he has a massive belly stuffed into his suit, hes huffing and puffing, like he ran a marithon, "don't mind him, most of my staff are..."

Max cuts him off "fat?"

They both laugh, "you could say that Max" the elevator arrives and they all walk in, "now max, you did read the whole advertisement correct?".

Max didn't, it's was 48 pages long, who would read it all? He just looked at the wage he would get, it started at $100,000 per month. "Yes, I did".

"that's good, most guys are more keen to keep their body's but I guess if your struggling you'll do anything."

Max now confused just nod's and watches though the glass elevator as they fly up to the top floor.

"where here sir" Mark the butler says peacefully in his British accent.

They walk into the room, and Mammon sits at his desk pouring himself a glass of wisky, and Max one too. Max looks around in aww, the room was covered in art work, with the walls painted in golds and whites and had its own bar. "How do you have all this money?" Max asked.

"a mix of many things, this company, and a few investments paid for this whole building, I have many other ways but we're not here for that." Mammon points at the seat," take a seat max" Max sits the chair is made from leather and is very comfy. "So, max, I've gone through your file, I think you're perfect for the job."

"so, does that mean I have the job?" Max replies confused, expecting to be asked a question.

"well yes, if you agree to the terms"

"terms?" Max still confused.

"well yes, you expect to be paid 10times the amount the normal person for this job without any terms or conditions?"

"well I didn't know.." Max gets cut off.

"Max let me simplify them for you. You sacrifice your body to the company, and in trade you get, $100k X the amount you weigh paid into your account per month, So if you weigh 450lbs, you get $450k a month."

"what the fuck? That's sick, I'm not doing that, I'm leaving" and with that Max got up from the chair and stood face to face with Mammon, with the desk all that is separating them. "Your sick, you fa**ot".

With that Mammon's eyes glow a bright red. "I'm a what?" Max got through back against the chair by an invisible force. "Max you could have just left with your freedom, but now look what you've gotten yourself into".

"Let me go, What the fuck?" Max says while traped against that chair, it chreeking with the force of his muscle.

"I'm a fucking demon max, I'm never going to 'let you go'" he took a second break to mock max, "now, what did you say? Fa**ot, was it?".

"fuck, I didn't mean it" the force pins him down harder, trapping his arms against the leather chair arms, and pushing his legs against the underboard. "Please let me go home, I won't do it again."

"shut up max, the process is already starting".

Max looks down to see his body deflating, his pecs turning from mountain peaks to a flat surface, his giant powerful arms turning weak and light. And then looking up he sees a whole new man infront of him.

"Not as big as I thought I would get, but boy I'm big" he took a break to admire his new giant arms and pecs.

"what the?" Max looks in confusion, "how did you do that? Give me them back".

"what are you gonna do max? I'm an infinitely powerful being and you, your an old man, or at least your going to be."

"I'm only 42, what do you mean, going to be?"

"you see I don't have my infinite life span on earth, so to stay alive and in this fit body, I absorb anything a guy has and I want. In your case, these massive muscles, but then I need to absorb their life force as well, in order to make sure I don't age."

"what do you mean life force?"

"well, you have roughly 50 years, worth of life left, I'll drain about 20 years leaving you in your future crippled body at around age 60, force you to work for the company for another 20 years, then when your 80 drain the rest of your life, which after you get fat won't be much, then you got to hell."

"man your sick, let me go, LET ME GO!".

A bright red light shoots from Peters hand enveloping Max's whole body, and he starts to age, his face wrinkling, skin dropping, eye sight worsening, hearing getting muffled, and mind changing a little. "Max, you ok old man?".

"yes sir" max was confused in his mind, why did he say sir?

"max, you ready for your Cruise? You can have tones of food for the next 6 months."

"Yes sir, I'm ready" max lifts his head, opening his eyes to see a new blurry room from his new old eyes.

"you're gonna need these from now on" Peters eyes glow and a new pair of glasses appear on Max's face he can now see clear.

"thank you... Sir", max blinks seeing Peter infront of him, "what have you, done to me".

"Max, I've turned you into the perfect office worker, old, brainiac, who is soon going to get fat and live the rest of his life, in an office chair for me, don't worry for accomodation you live here now, we have apartments on floor 30 to 40, all workers live here, it's policy, we have also sent a team to your house to, well, blow it up, that way nobody is going to be looking for you, becuase we can plant a body"

"give me... My.... Body back, give me... My.. life back."

"Max we both know that will never happen, now enjoy a life of gluttony, and prepare yourself for hell, that's gonna be worse then anything I can do to you." Peter snaped his fingers and a red glow enveloped max.

Recovering from the glow max sees two men infront of him with a trolly of sorts between them. "Is he awake" one says,

"I don't know" said the other.

"im- awake" max said in a much older raspy voice.

"good we can now start the feeding" the man on the left said, his body as muscled as a god, ripped from head to toe, and we can see everything.

Max rubs his eyes under his glasses and opens them again, "Fucking hell, put some clothes on both of you".

Both men where nude, one a ripped god, another muscled up but with a big gut. "Clothes are banned here mate" the beefy man said in a type of Australia accent, "you cant say much fella, look at that tiny pecker".

The men laughed pointing at Max's shriveled up old cock and low hanging balls, "what the fuck"max tries to move his arm to cover him but his arm doesn't move, he looks down to see him stuck in a chair, with a cut out hole under his ass, and straps tying him down, trapping him. "What... Are you gonna do to me?" Max asked sceared.

The men laughed at him again, "no need to act to sceared, we're here to feed you for the next 6 months".

"but... Sir said..." Max get cut off.

"he said you'd be going on a cruise? Fucking hell are you dumb? He's a demon, you shouldn't trust a demon" The muscled guy says.

"bro let's start the feeding we have 50 other guys to see and I wanna watch football Tonight." The beefy guys says, and in unison both their eyes glowed a bright red, showing they where demons too.

The trolly between them had several items on top, one long tube, which floated in the air for a few moments before shoving itself down maxes nostril and deep into his stomach, his head flipped back trying to wriggle it out, but it was stuck. Another item moved into his frame, a IV bag holder, holding a giant barrel type object made of glass, and two large bags floated of the table again and started to drain into the barrel, and the tube connected itself to it, starting a flow of the liquid into maxes stomach.

"done" the beffy guy said. "Now we'll be back tomorrow to refill your barrel, and clean you up if you make a mess, but youll basically be unconscious for the next 6 months, due to the drugs were feeding you."

"so enjoy your sleep mate, you'll litterally wake up a different man." The two men laughed and walked out, max tried fighting the restraints but in his crippled form could do nothing. The door slammed and locked, and the room fell dark, max screamed begging into the darkness to be let free, and to have his life back, which he had only an hour before, but nothing happened, nobody came. He felt the drugs taking effect, but tried to fight back, but it was useless, his body slumped and loosened. His mind fell blank as he drifted of into his 6 month hibernation.

[blackgirlblues]

Being A Black Girl: And Chasing Your Dreams.. Yikes.

Hi, 

It’s me, your resident black girl back with some new shit to rant about. I’ve been posting a few screenshots of short poems and paragraphs I’ve been writing on my phone as a way to heal and get over Capricorn boy from my last post on here and I see you guys like and reblog. Thank you for showing love, although it makes me sad that so many of you seem to be going through the same range of emotions I am. I’m sorry. 

I know it’s a lonely place to be in. 

But, on the bright side, I’ve got a lot of new followers joining the diary/manual/rant page that is blackgirlology and it’s nice cause I think it’s becoming a little bit of a community. So, in a way, were never really going through any of these emotions alone. If you’ve found this page-you’re part of a community. Bask in it. 

Anyways, that aside, a lot has happened since I last spoke to you. I don’t know if any of you may remember, and for some new people this will be a surprise. But I’m actually a singer songwriter from Ireland. Moved to London a year and a half ago to pursue my music dream and that’s how I met Capricorn boy whos been the source of all my poems. 

Throughout this time in between, I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, and chase them relentlessly. and this summer i did just that, let me tell you, what im about to tell you guys, is to put it simply, wild. I’ll just cut to the chase. 

It all started in July. I’d been in London for quite a long time now, over a year and now have a manager who’s my best friend first and foremost. We’ll call her Maya. I met her in my first week of moving to London in the student halls I was staying at and we became best friends pretty quick. She studies music business, so it made sense and she just naturally ended up taking up the role as my music manager. Shes seen everything. The songs I wrote about Capricorn boy, the tears, everything. And she saw everything this summer. 

I saw an ad for a record label opportunity in London. It was advertised on my university facebook page; a new indie label, looking for demo submissions for a competition they were setting up to find their new signee. I sent a screenshot to Maya who agreed I should send my stuff in. I did, they liked it, I got a meeting, we were sent terms and conditions for the competition. We signed it, the rest was supposed to be history. 

Big yikes. 

There’s so many layers to this story that I will be shortening it, just because it can get very draining for me to talk about or even write about. I’ve healed from it i think, but I still want to put it here and write it about to finally close that chapter and be done with my feelings about what happened to me and my music. 

Basically, the whole competition, the record label, the dickhead CEO, it was all a scam. I had accidentally signed away the master rights to my new song to a record label started by a fake CEO who was committing fraud and known for tricking young artists into handing over their master rights so he could profit off of them, for power. 

It was a mess. Another contestant told me and Maya when we were outside of their office. Just minutes before we were under the impression that I was doing an interview for Billboard Magazine. Honestly, I never truly believed it. Shit was too good to be true. 

But she told us everything. How he was actually a run away from Spain, where he was caught and exposed for doing the exact same thing to artists there, how he didn’t have any money to fund the competition he had somehow roped all of us into, how he was illegally avoiding paying his team, how none of the creatives we had collaborated with for photoshoots etc were paid, how everything was a lie, how he didnt have any connections, and how he was trying to convince me specifically to sign a 360 deal with his label. 

Which, guys, I’m not stupid. After the first week of being with the label for the competition and letting my song live through their disastrous marketing campaign, Maya and I long decided that regardless of what they said, I would not under any circumstances be signing anything with any entity of their company. 

After being told the truth, I had to sit down. You see, when I came across this opportunity, I thought this was finally the life I’d been manifesting coming true. I had begun to grow in my spirituality and start journaling, writing down my manifestations, and getting to work with a record label who would later offer me a fair contract before I turn 20 was one of the manifestations I had written down every night before I went to bed. However, what I’d gotten was the exact opposite. 

I remember, me, Maya, and 2 of the girls from the competition all stood around in a circle outside of their new office that the CEO also hadnt paid for wondering what our next move would be with this new information. There was still 2 other contestants inside who had no idea what was really going on was an elaborate scam. One of them wanted to go in and expose them on the spot. I said no, we had to go in and pretend like everything was normal until we figured out what to do afterwards. 

So in I went, plastering the fakest smile on my face and pretended like I still thought I was about to be speaking with Billboard Magazine. Once I got out, I broke down in Maya’s arms. 

I went home to my flatmates, Ellie and Bea and cried for hours before I had to go work a 7 hour shift at a pizza place. 

I stayed in bed, and cried, and cried. and cried again. I didn’t get out of bed unless I needed too. The only people I talked too were my flatmates E and B and Maya. 

Everything was sorted out eventually, a lot more happened, but as I’ve been writing this article for you guys, I realised that all of that stuff is no longer relevant to my journey and isnt something I want to bring back into my energetic circle because I’ve made peace with the fact that a lot of people who betrayed me when I was at my lowest, peace with the fact that these contestants who wanted to “work together” to get out of this mess, actually wanted to save their own asses and leave me in the cold. 

But I still got out of it and I’m still here. 

I nearly got sued by a man with less than 20 pound to his company account online, but hey, I’m here.

I guess why I’m telling you guys this really short account of my summer is to both record it for myself but also to say its okay to flop, its okay to fail. I did both this summer. and thank god i did. it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

following your dreams is scary, doing it as a black girl is terrifying because society has already kind of set you up to fail. there’s already misconceptions about what you do, who you are, where you come from and how good you’re going to be at what you do. its almost like we cant fail and we need to work 10 times harder to obtain half of what the average white person will get. and sometimes it can feel like we dont have any space to fail or make mistakes because of this but let me tell you thats not true. 

if anything, the universe will put you in places that will force you to grow through the mistakes you make. and thats exactly what happened to me this summer. 

i chased my dream so relentlessly i ended up in an environment i thought i manifested, i thought was good for me, only for the universe to show me that that specific environment i’d been wishing to be in is the furthest from what i need right now in my life. 

this so called failure showed me that not everybody who smiles can be trusted, and that people can be way more deceiving than i ever thought, especially when push comes to shove and they need to save themselves. you start to see the real them when it starts to get tense. the people who seem to be around you when you’re doing good will most likely dissapear when things start to go south, including some of your oldest friends. you will get radio silence on their end. be upset. cry. but after that be glad that this situation revealed their true colours. 

and then never put any more energy into them again. 

this failure showed me how fucking strong i am. how resilient and kind i am even in the face of disrespect and actual evil. it showed me how much i can care for someone who i believe is at a risk of losing it all, and showed me that this will not always be reciprocated. and for a while i thought that meant that i had to harden myself up and grow a shell. but i dont think so. i will not allow the things ive been through to make me into a hard person when i was born soft. i mean now, im a little rough around the edges, jagged enough to cut anyone who comes too close with some of that bad energy, but soft enough to hold myself tight and glue myself back together when i need to. soft enough to hold the people who held me this summer. soft enough to help people who i know deserve it. 

im a good person in a shitty world, i don’t need to match the world and become a shitty person to survive. 

after all of this happened, i stopped writing music. 

i haven’t written anything properly or produced anything in months and sometimes i get worried that ive completely lost my talent. but thats another thing that this failure taught me, i can never truly lose whats meant to be mine. i know that i was put on this earth to create change, to inspire, to be an activist and a voice for people who dont have one. i know i was put here to do it through a creative medium and right now i still think that is music. 

i think i just need to stop being so scared to start again, to learn my craft again.

i used to be so scared of failure but now i am so thankful for it and the lessons its taught me. i had so much hurt and pain and hatred in my heart for the universe for, in my head, doing this to me. but then i realised that the universe never does anything to you, it does it for you. all of this happened in my best interest and while i definitely didnt understand at the time, i get it now.

thank you universe for the worst summer of my life. 

and my black ass will be continuing to chase my dreams relentlessly, failing, tripping and falling on my ass until i get to the very top. 

besides, if everything had just gone right, that wouldnt have been very interesting, would it?

[imagineleonkennedy]

Apartment Confessions

Part 1

Naomi sighed as she bent down and picked up another long sleeve shirt that belonged to her roommate. She knew he was gone often due to his government job, and didn’t have time to take care of his domestic chores so she took it upon herself to clean up his mess. As of late, Naomi felt like the brunt of the emotional labor was falling onto her. Her stomach churned in knots as she beat herself up mentally. She should have been more communicative about her frustrations with her roomie before he went off on another job. Her thoughts turned over to an assignment from the company she worked for that was now two days late. Another sigh escaped her chapped lips as she hauled her clothes and her roommates down the hall of the apartment complex and to the laundry room. The smell of detergent and the bitterness from leftover cigarettes went up her nose. She did her best not to make a face in front of other tenants using the facilities, but she couldn’t help but contort. This wasn’t how she pictured her weekend let alone her life in general.

Naomi Hershel was a journalist in her early thirties. She graduated not long ago with a bachelors in journalism with a minor in public speaking. Her future looked bright aside from occurring student debt and education burnout. Naively, she thought it would be easy to get a job in D.C. After all, her college boasted that there was endless opportunities especially for journalism given D.C. was the political capital of the United States. Bullshit, Naomi thought to herself as she all but slam dunked her clothes into a washing machine that required the last of her pocket change to be used. Crossing her arms, she leaned against a dryer nearby and contemplated. Rent was due next week, and her roomies portion of the utilities hadn’t come in yet despite him reassuring her he’d transfer it over when he got back to the states. Naomi checked her phone. There was still no text message from Leon. Another sigh parted from her mouth.

A few hours later after folding clothes and sorting through garbage from take out, Naomi had time to get her report squared away. She had a love hate relationship with her job. On one hand, she was thankful to have something related to what she went to school for, but on the other, it barely paid the bills. She was fortunate enough Leon took care of most of the utilities. This contributed to her guilt of feeling angry at him for not picking up after himself. He was working hard, probably harder than her, surely picking up the place was the least she could do right?

Naomi grumbled at her thoughts as she got the last of the report done and submitted it to her supervisor. It was an article about a scandal going on between a senator and his alleged mistress/accountant. Yet another slap to the face. Naomi didn’t want to work for a sleazy tabloid, but here she was exploiting a guy and his personal life. Getting up from her computer chair that was hanging onto its life with only two wheels, Naomi went to the kitchen and grabbed herself a beer, IPA. It was one of Leon’s, he wasn’t around and at this point, Naomi didn’t give a fuck if he complained about it later or not. She needed something to tide her over for the night.

As she was nursing from the bottle, sitting on the couch and watching reruns of a crime show, her gaze turned to the door as she could hear someone fumbling with the keys. Leon came through like he was desperate to get in. He took in a deep breath, sweeping a hand over his hair and wincing. Naomi could see he had a large bandage on the right side of his head and he looked clammy. His chest heaved in a way that made her swallow nervously, and nearly choked on the beer, getting Leon’s attention.

“Is that one of my beers?” He asked, gesturing playfully at her as she snapped back to her senses and glared at him.

“Yeah, what’s it to you?” Naomi countered.

Leon’s brows furrowed, taken aback.

“I’ll be right back.” He said and went to his room. Naomi couldn’t help but watch as he limped down the hallway. Wherever he was at, someone or something kicked his ass good. She was used to the agent coming home with scrapes and bruises.  You name it, Leon probably had it, but Naomi never knew how he got wounded. There was something of a mutual understanding, that Leon wouldn’t talk about his job around her. With Naomi working for a tabloid and given Leon’s ties to the government, it was beneficial for him to keep his mouth shut around her. She understood that respectively, but when he’d come up injured, curiosity and concern always got the better of her. It was enough to make her temporarily forget she was mad at him for putting the household chores on her.

“Hey, thank you for getting my laundry done while I’ve been gone. I appreciate it.” Leon said, snapping Naomi out of her thoughts about his wounds.

“Don’t mention it.” She murmured as Leon groaned in pain while he took a seat in the couch next to her albeit he was respectful of her space. His head leaned up against the cushioned part of the furniture, eyes closing briefly before he turned his head to look at Naomi.

“I take it you had a rough week?” He asked her to which she nodded.

“You can say that,” Naomi glanced over at Leon. Her eyes roaming from his injured head and over his form. “It seems you got your ass handed to you, again.” She and him both chuckled as Leon shook his head and threw his hands up.

“You got me there,” He mused and reached over and yanked the beer out of Naomi’s hand and took a swig. She growled a little as he made a face at her, to which she flipped him off and he snorted. “Now I know for a fact you’re pissed off at me.”

Naomi sighed as her emotions flooded back. “Yeah, I kind of am.”

Leon canted his head curiously against the couch and took in a deep breath, genuine concern in his tone. “I’m listening.”

“ I’m not trying to be difficult, but I feel like I’m not your roommate but your maid. Since you’ve been gone the last two weeks, I’ve had to pick up everything including messes that you should have taken care of before you went on another assignment. I feel like I have to deal with not only my job and my portion of things, but yours as well. And the times you are home and have time off, you don’t do much either. I know its because you’re recuperating from whatever you get sent off to do, but I’m frustrated Leon. I didn’t sign up for this. I work a full time job too and I can’t keep this up.”

Naomi realized she had let it all bubble to the surface in a big blob of words and she was quick to correct herself in order to avoid a fight. “I’m sorry, my mouth was running away with me again.”

Leon shook his head and sighed gently as he thought over what she told him. Naomi braced herself, believing a spat was to ensure given how she was mentally drained and Leon was physically exhausted. No such thing occurred as he leaned up and gestured for her to look at him. Naomi did so, seeing nothing but sincerity in his tired gaze.

“I had a feeling this would come up. I wasn't sure however because you never spoke up until now. I want to apologize for my sloppiness and leaving you feeling like you gotta pick up after me. It’s not your job to take care of me or my portion of the apartment. It’s mine. All the work you have done, I truly appreciate it. When I come back from missions such as this recent one, its nice coming back to a clean home, but it shouldn’t be done at your expense. I need to make a better effort keeping up, and I know I haven’t done that lately. I see that its been hurting you, and I’m going to go the extra mile to make it stop. Please don’t feel that my burdens should be yours. I get the next month off and I’m going to sort through my old things and make sure you get a break.”

Naomi was practically speechless.

“Really?”

Leon nodded and smiled. “Really, really.”

“Oh,”

“You seem surprised?”

“It’s just in college when I had a similar conversation with  roommates, it would end with a big fight and nothing getting resolved.”

“Well, I take responsibility when I’m at fault. Or I try to at least. I mean I’m flawed too as evidenced by this whole thing. There’s no bad blood between you and me. Thank you for being honest about how you felt.”

“You’re welcome.” Naomi was dumbfounded. It surprised her how easy it was to talk to Leon. He never made her feel bad about her concerns with the apartment, or even the times where she had gotten drunk and went on rambles, keeping him up most of the night. She felt weird for making the assumption that he would get mad at her like previous room mates. Leon wasn’t like most people. He didn’t let most crap get to him.

“Sorry for stealing one of your beers cause I got mad at you,”

Leon laughed and waved it off.

“Nah, it’s the least you deserve for dealing with my crap.”

“You kidding me? Compared to my boss and other folks, you’re easy.”

Leon made a face, like he was insulted.

“I’m almost offended you think I’m that easy.”

Naomi snorted playfully.

“Well, you are. Most men wouldn’t own up to their shit like you did just now.”

“Hm, you got a point.” Leon mused and winced. His eyes shut tight as his body trembled. Naomi jumped thinking she might have pressed against a wound, only to find out it wasn’t the case.

“Leon?”

“I’ll be okay.”

“Bullshit.”

Leon nodded and sighed in defeat. No point in arguing with her on fibbing.

“You’re right. Bullshit.” He then glanced over the couch towards the bathroom and looked over at Naomi. He looked a little guilty and she couldn’t help but wonder why.

“Do you think you could go to the bathroom and get the first aid kit, the big one I got shoved under the sink? I hate to ask, but its been a day since I’ve been out of the hospital. I need someone to check out my head injury and my ribs. Could you do me a solid?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry about this.”

Naomi raised a brow.

“Why?”

“Well we just had that talk about me putting my crap on you, and I feel like this is adding to the pile if you know what I mean.”

Naomi laughed and shook her head.

“I’d rather help you out with wounds than pick up your dirty boxers stashed under your bed.”

Leon’s eyes widened as a flush of pink went to his face while panic set in.

“Oh my god I’m sorry--!”

“Kennedy, I’m fucking with you.”

Leon rolled his eyes and sighed in relief as Naomi laughed on her way to the bathroom. It didn’t take her long to get the kit and make her way back to the living room. She was a little nervous though. Leon never asked for help on his work related injuries. She was scared at how bad they truly were. The fact he mentioned he had been in the hospital as well didn’t sit right with her, but she knew better than to ask what went down. It was not her business anymore than her tabloid reports were not his.

Leon already pulled the bandage from off his head. He had a deep cut going from his eyebrow and up to his scalp. If Naomi didn’t know any better, she could swear an animal of some sort clawed him.

“How’s it looking?” He asked, snapping her out of her thoughts as to where he could have gotten it from.

“Looks a little red, but not infected. I’ll bandage it back up and put some neosporin on it.” He sat still as Naomi went to work, gently dabbing the wound with a cotton ball with the medication on it. Leon winced from time to time. The injury itself didn’t hurt, but the nerves beneath the flesh thumped uncomfortably. Naomi would murmur from time to time she was sorry for making it worse, but if anything in Leon’s mind, he found it comforting. It was nice having a familiar face tend to his wounds than strangers and government officials breathing down his neck. He could almost fall asleep peacefully to how gentle she was tending to the wound.

“You should have gone to college to become a doctor.”

Leon mused and Naomi shook her head after rolling her eyes.

“And having not ended up sharing an apartment with you in the sleaziest side of town? Never. Besides, I don’t like most people. I couldn’t imagine dealing with their pain on top of it.”

“Well consider me flattered.”

Naomi blushed a little from his comment, then patched up his head, minding not to tug at his hair or bump his body. When she was done, Leon leaned up more. His movements were slow as he grimaced. After panting for a little bit, he began to unbutton his dark blue shirt. Naomi looked away out of habit, not wanting to put Leon on the spot and not wanting to feel like a vulture lurking at his body. She had seen him shirtless a few times, usually after he got out of the shower or from a post work out, but she never oogled. Not to say Leon wasn’t a good looking guy, he was, but she respected him enough to not treat him like a piece of meat. He had been respectable about her the few times he accidentally barged in on Naomi changing, not treating her like eye candy but acknowledging he crossed a line and averted his attention elsewhere.

“Naomi?”

“Hm?”

Leon gestured at the large gash to his side that was now exposed. He had pulled off the huge bandages while Naomi’s mind had been elsewhere. Her eyes were glued onto his body now, not able to take her gaze off him. He wasn’t chiseled like a body builder, but his form was beautiful even with the injury. His upper chest was formed well, strong muscles tensing as he breathed jaggedly and his mid section and lower half was built. The six pack he boasted wasn’t outlandishly huge nor was it sculpted perfectly, but it was just right for his body type. Naomi never looked at him like this before, and for a moment she was starstruck. She felt her stomach knot up and upon feeling that, forced her eyes to look at the wound itself. It was scabbed over save for a few spots, and much like the injury to the head, Naomi could have sworn this was done by an animal. Lion maybe? Who knows. Naomi was no doctor, nor was she interested in medical teachings, but she wasn’t dumb. The wounds inflicted upon Leon were not done by any person.

She went through the motions of cleaning the area and reassuring Leon that nothing looked infected. He almost fell asleep a couple of times during the process. The weight of being home and away from the field was taking its toll on him. When she was finished however, Leon took it upon himself to put on the bandages. Naomi was a little disappointed, but couldn’t blame him. He was in a vulnerable position. There was an intimacy to the whole thing as well, that even made Leon swallow nervously from time to time as his pulse would surge from her touch.

Naomi gazed over his body one last time, making it quick before turning away so he could patch himself up and get his shirt back on.

Leon glanced over Naomi’s back as he buttoned up the last of his shirt and smiled.

“You have the hands of a healer Naomi.”

Leon complimented, making her face more warm than it was. She cleared her throat and shrugged.

“I’m still not going back to college to become a doctor for your sake” She joked, trying to steer the conversation to something more humorous. Leon laughed lightly.

“You stole my beer and killed my dreams in the same night.”

“Fuck off Kennedy! Go chase better ones!” Naomi retorted playfully at his flirtation. The two of them shared a laugh in that. Silence then lingered in the air for a while. They both lazily watched the television for a time, letting their feelings die down along with the excitement of being open with another person. Over time, Leon contemplated. Naomi could see from the corner of her eye that he looked frustrated, beside himself if she had to put a word to it. He then sighed deep and gently nudged Naomi with his hand, getting her attention away from the show they had been watching.

“Hm? We were just getting to the good part where the cop is the actual killer,” Naomi commented about the show until Leon smiled. He looked nervous.

“Is there a chance I can talk to you off the record?”

Naomi was taken aback. Her eyes widened a little. Was he really going to share something about his job? She thought to herself as she nodded, not even thinking about it. “Yeah, I mean I know we’ve been roomies only for a year and--Leon, I’m a journalist and sure I work for a shitty tabloid, but--honestly, whatever is said in the apartment stays in the apartment. You have my word. I wouldn’t exploit you like that.”

Leon nodded, his blue eyes looking over her face. “I believe you.”

He then stared at the ceiling, biting on his lower lip for a time. Naomi could tell he wanted to go back on his word, take back what he offered up, but at this point there was no stopping him. He could finally breathe and come clean about work. After all the bullshit he dealt with this time around, Leon needed to get it off his chest. He needed someone to talk to besides the occasional government assigned shrink. Naomi was as good of a friend as any. He always admired how open and honest she was with him about her work activities, and in a way, Leon felt the need to return the favor. He could tell from her staring earlier that she was wondering what inflicted the wounds on his body. Deep down, the agent knew he couldn’t keep up the facade. She’d find out sooner or later about what he really did.

“I work for a part of the government that deals with B.O.W’s. Bio organic weapons. You ever heard of them?”

Naomi nodded, her attention fully invested on him now. Her brows furrowed though and her heart sank.

“Yeah. I’ve heard about them in one of my classes. There was a journalist piece on the incident that happened in Raccoon City we had to study. Creepy creatures.”

“What if I told you that I am one of the survivors?”

Naomi’s eyes widened.

“No fucking way.”

Leon nodded.

“Yeah fucking way,” he mocked playfully then his smile faded. “After me and two gals named Claire and Sherry made it out, I ended up being forced to work for the government cause of how well I survived. Eventually I grew to like the job. I was originally a police officer for Raccoon City. My first day was on the night of the whole incident. Anyway, the reason why I’m gone so much is due to being sent to other countries to fight bio-terrorists and investigate black market sales on B.O.W’s. It’s why I come back hurt a lot. These wounds you cleaned, I got from a B.O.W. called a Hunter. Nasty human lizard thing. It clipped me good while I was escaping with civilians. I’m not contagious, don’t worry--I got a vaccine for it when I was admitted to the hospital. I’ve been wanting to tell you what I do for a long time now, and it feels good not having to hide it from an average person anymore. I can’t tell you how many secrets and skeletons I got in the closet from this job. How it sucks being sworn to secrecy on it all.”

Leon then recalled earlier, worried that he was putting too much on Naomi. First the household baggage, and now here he was throwing emotional jumble at her. He gestured and nervously shook his head. “I’m sorry if this was too much--I blurted fast--I--”

Naomi gestured for him to be silent and nodded reassuringly

“Leon, it’s okay. I’m very flattered you trust me this much. Like I said, whatever is said here won’t leave the apartment. I’m just glad I can talk to you and ask things finally. Living with you for the last year, and not knowing what the hell you do, really ground my gears. It’s a relief on my end too.”

He smiled, genuinely and could feel his eyes yearning for sleep. Leon felt bad given that he left the door wide open for Naomi to question him, only to shut it down for the night, but it couldn’t be helped. He learned a long time ago not to fight his body when it needed rest.

“I apologize, but whatever questions you have for me, can it wait till tomorrow? I’m worried I’m going to fall asleep on you before I answer anything.”

Naomi nodded. As far as she was concerned, him even giving her a piece of his life was good enough. “Don’t sweat it. I can wait. Are you going to sleep on the couch tonight?”

“Yeah, I’d like to if its not too much of an inconvenience.”

“I don’t care. I was only watching reruns. Do you need anything? A blanket or pillows?”

Leon shook his head.

“No, no, you’ve done enough for me tonight. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Sounds good.”

Naomi then got up and as soon as she did, Leon stretched his body out into the couch and sighed in relief not feeling scrunched up any longer. He was happy to be back home, and back in a place that felt safe and as Naomi made her way towards her bedroom, she turned and looked back. Leon had the softest smile on his tired face as he drifted off to sleep. He looked content, the first time in a long while. Naomi felt her heart flutter before she dismissed her feelings and quietly went to bed herself.

 //I may write more depending! But hope your followers like this <3

[finalmisumderstandings-blog]

my whole life i feel like ive sent an intentionto destroy it. i find things i s houldnt worry or think about. i find reasons why i shouldnt be happy or enjoy myself. i spend allmy time in the present thinking about how muchbetter the past was. im layinghere and thinking to myself “what the fuck”. just what the fuck is goingon whith my life. i feel like im dying but im young and alive and this is the worse life i could imaging having for myself but dear god i dont try to make it better.i think i sugar coat evething in hopes i will deep down understand how importantit is to change. but i never do. i was never happier than ive been than in virginia and now i have no where i want to go to college, i dont reallyhave any friends or see anyone. but this is all my doing. i dont have cole anymoreand now im realzing how lonely i am without him. i miss seeing him and hearing his voice. iw ant to hear about his day and the stories he tellsme and his fun facts. he was such a huge part of me and now hes gone. i feel unbalancedand unsureof everything now without him. he lovedme so much it helped me keep going. it gaveme a reason to go. he could be considered my “reasoning” voice. fuck, why do i still love him from afar. deep down i know right now its not right for either of us i just wish there was a bend in our dimension where i could go back to the first day i met him and do it all over again. iw ish i could everything in my life all over again. i hate the decisions i made. i made horrible decisions based off what i think i wanted, or what i think my future self would want wihtout actually taking into account what i really value and enjoy. what i really want.my fuking stupid poorly thoughtout actions have fuckign out my life at a crossroad with everything i have attempted to avoid. it was all for nothing. me being strict onmyself for drugs and food and working out can go down the drain. all the effeort i ever put into my hair and skin. and my fucking clothes. i have turned into someone i have never wanted to be, its hard for me to shower now and  brush my hair. i dont know who i am becoming. im so ashamed, i always felt ike i was a seond character to my own life. i never saw what was imoirtant or valuable in me. i do feel like im less then everyone i know. that that is my place insociety to be one less than people so they know whos better. 

god, i wish i was back in virginia. id give anything to be back in my old apartment no matter how badly it smelt and how gross the bathroom was. i wish iw as ther in my room with cole. i wish i could go back to those nights we spent together. god i really fuckingmiss him. i dont even know how to act around people anymore. its like moving back home made me a whole new person. i need to get out of ehre. i need to form and excaoe because im dying being here. i dont belong here anymore. 

but hten again back in va i thoguht i belonged here andnow here i think i belong in virginia. and in cali i thought i belonged in wa and to say the elast i dont know where in the hell i belong, i dont know how to settle with myself, i aways have to find a reason why i cant be happy or why i cant enjoy where i am. or why it wont work out or why i should just give up now or think that i would be so muchbetter somewhere else. i stunted my own growth, why did i stop myself. i dontknow if im supposed to think back in the past and try to rememeber how i wa and how i used to think and work from there or if i scartch that person entirrly because i wasnt all that content and happy either in that moment,

 it just hurts seeing eberyone do ing better and me and i assuming that im smart so i mustbe dumber than most people. i dont know why i hold onto pain so tightly.i dontknow why i dont want to grow. i dont know why i make things so much harder for myself. this voice in my head, my thoughts or the narrator, shes so mean. its like i “snap “ myself back to “reality” when really its just a dose of negetivity that ruins everything for me. its like this loud annoying ass voice that will just cut through the sweetest moments with “what ifs” and “youre not’s”. theres so much i wish i could have done differently. iwish my mom would have stayed in la. i wish i would have stayed at NOVA. i wish i never got the apartment, or atleast never started working at dave and busters. i wish i NEVER started serving and i would have stayed working at starbucks, i wish i would have engaded more with the poeple around me. i wish i had never done any drugs and never started to smoke. im fat now, i am really fat. i lovedmy body when i first got here, isnt that all thatmatters. ive gained 20lbs. nearly. thers so much wiehging on top of me right now and i feel like is denting me, like after all that life has dealy me and what ive caused for myself i willcome out of this dented. 

its just hard because i do feel like i loser. i am ashamed of myself and i dont see my life in a new oerspective. everything is connected, everything is dependentof each other and im tired of it.im tired of shit connecting, im tired of things having a meaning. im tired of everyday being so fucking important. im tired im tired im tired imt tirdeslfnk.sjnvd.