#outside of the brother ppl who live like this really are the most ugly ppl on earth to me

[tariah23]

How do you have kids and don’t make them do chores. I’ll never get it, man. They grow up to be one of those ppl who’s never washed a single dish before and are usually dirty and of privilege mind. Parents essentially sending their usually annoying kids out into the world to be an even further nuisance just because they don’t know how to do simple, everyday chores when they are fully capable of doing so and are able bodied.

[okitagumi]

every single color for the ask box thingy 😽😼 (,if u wanna lol)

Invade my privacy. Do it.

Purple: 10 facts about my room

i used to share it with my sister, my wardrobe is about to fall apart any minute cuz it's old and sucks, i have 3 different fairy lights in there, the walls are white now but they used to be yellow and blue, there's a dent in a wall from the time i threw a chair, the message chair my mother bought my dad for his 40th bday is in my room but it's broken and i dont want it but there's nowhere else to put it, there are also exactly 4 posters of my favorite kpop girlgroup, the bookshelf in my room is actually way too small for all the books im planning to buy in the future but there's no space for another shelf, the lightbulb in my room take a while to fully light up so whenever i turn on the light it gradually .. slowly .... gets brighter, my brother's been trying to get me to switch rooms with him for ages cuz his is smaller but i wont

Blue: 9 facts about my family

albanians from kosovo, i still have relatives living in kosovo but most of my family's abroad (mainly germany, austria and switzerland) by now, i have two younger siblings, i grew up with my siblings and 5 of our cousins in one house until i was 10 so we were 8 kids in total (i was the oldest), i have about 50 cousins in total, my brother got engaged last year on dec 26th and then married just 2 days after, my grandpa was the first in our family to emigrate to germany in 1970 and he went all alone, my dad was born in kosovo two years after that and then came to germany in 1986 when he was 14, my parent's marriage was arranged and my mother had no problem with that but my dad really wasn't happy with it

Green: 8 facts about appearance

my hair's red currently, but naturally it's dark brown, my hair's pretty long like lower back length but also damaged as hell, i'm 5'5 / 165cm, i have dark eyes, also long finger nails and they're a pain sometimes BUT i keep them long because i used to be a huge nail-biter and im proud i could stop that habit, i had straight bangs for a few months but they look terrible now cuz im growing them out, u'll rarely see me without nail polish

Yellow: 7 facts about my childhood

i think i repressed the memory of most of it cuz i barely remember anything tbh lmao, in 3rd grade we had obligatory swimming lessons every 2 weeks and i almost drowned once (i couldnt swim back then and im still a terrible swimmer), i almost hung myself on accident while playing with one of my cousins, watching digimon after kindergarten/elementary school was my biggest happiness, like i said earlier we were eight kids but our parents didn't want to waste money on toys we'd eventually break anyways so we'd always have to come up with games ourselves (like jumping from a small wall onto the binbags in the backyard, throwing stones instead of balls .......), i once got so angry i whacked my brother over the head with a belt buckle and his head bled so hard he had to be driven to the hospital anyways i still cant stand the sight of blood, my cousin and i once played in our grandpa's car but one of us accidentally released the handbreak and the car rolled backwards with us still in it and the adults who were outside freaked OUT

Orange: 6 facts about my home town

it's not really a town it's just a village with a little over 3k ppl, i moved here when i was about 2 years old, then i moved a couple streets away when i was 10 bc my parents were tired of so many people in one house, my 9th/10th grade german teacher lives like 2 minutes away from me, my elemtary school building isn't used anymore cuz they build a new school building right next to it where the park was but the new one's kind ugly (and too small apparently), we have like 5 or 6 cemetries here

Red: 5 facts about my best friend

i dont have one best friend but rather a group of best friends so one fact for each of them: two of them are twins i met 5 years ago, another one has been my friend for like 11 years ? we've never actually met tho but we probably will this year, another one lives in indonesia but we've known each other for pretty much 6 years now, i've met this friend about 6 years ago on twitter too and we love remembering the beef between some of our shared mutuals and friends what a fun time, last one is also from indonesia and i havent known her for as long as the others (maybe 3 years or something) but we grew close so quickly so now instead of our names it's always beloved this beloved that .. everyone's sick of us probbly

Pink: 4 facts about my parents

im not close to my mother at all like she might as well be a stranger to me that's how terrible our relationship is, im kind of close to my dad but even with him it's more of a "i hate you one moment and love you the next" kind of thing, like i said earlier my dad initially didnt want to get married to my mother because no one even asked him lmao his dad was just like "son ... i found a wife for u" and that was that. he accepted it after a while but from what i've heard from my uncles he didn't even want to be in the same room as her at first, they've been married for almost 28 years now

White: 3 facts about my personality

im extremely introverted, doesn't mean i enjoy staying in all the time cuz i also get bored so quickly, it takes a lot to genuinely make me angry

Grey: 2 facts about my favorite things

right now my favorite thing is mahoyaku so i'll just drop 2 facts about that: one of the characters canonically fucked for sugar, another character canonically eats dirt and charcoal and plates (mistook plate for cookie)

Black: 1 fact about the person I like

i dont like anyone tbh

[anti-pasto]

for the 200 ask thingy, i actually dare you to do all of them. :D

delgaskarthalexhere we go, anon: 

200: My crush’s name is: I don’t have one right now, I don’t get them often (if I ever had a crush at all)

199: I was born in: 2003

198: I am really: A 2005 emo kid x a 2008 scene kid x a 2014 tumblr fangirl x Kyle himself

 197: My cellphone company is: Apple

194: My ring size is: Honestly? No idea. Propose to me with a sword.

 193: My height is: Somewhere between 5′7″ and 5′8″

192: I am allergic to: Nothing I’m aware of 

191: My 1st car was:  94 Station Wagon, by request

190: My 1st job was: being this funny is a full-time gig

 189: Last book you read: Bone Gap by Laura Ruby

188: My bed is: “made”

187: My pet: I have a cat, I love her very much and I will show her to you if you dm me a cursed image

186: My best friend: We don’t use “best friend” for personal reasons, but they’ve been with me since I was 5 so, my one and only Bro

185: My favorite shampoo is: anything with “silky smooth” or “strawberries” on the bottle. i’m not that picky anymore.

184: Xbox or ps3: xbox or ps4  xbox

183: Piggy banks are: really useful

 182: In my pockets: wallet, keys, phone, earbuds, black pen/pencil, earplugs, mini flashlight

 181: On my calendar:  i’m meeting a friend for smoothies tomorrow

 180: Marriage is: something we shouldn’t push so much onto people. it’s a declaration of love, not an end-all fix-all to your life. i can’t ever see myself getting married but who knows!

 179: Spongebob can: continue to be a relevant meme

178: My mom: i mean. we function. i can’t really complain about my family at large but i am defiantly looking forward to living literally as far away from them as i can. 

 177: The last three songs I bought were? psh, you think i pay for music? (folie a deux, lake effect kid, believers never die volume two) (those are albums but its okay)

176: Last YouTube video watched: I watched Markiplier play Uno

175: How many cousins do you have? 11? 12? I lost count

174: Do you have any siblings? I have a brother

 173: Are your parents divorced? Nope!

172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes, I have been for a while

171: Do you play an instrument? dude HECK yeah! i vibe on piano, guitar, ukulele, clarinet, and im a drum major

170: What did you do yesterday? I went on a drive by myself.

 [ I Believe In ] 

169: Love at first sight: Nope.

168: Luck: Yes, but luck is something that can be engineered

167: Fate: To an extent

 166: Yourself: I’d say overall, yeah. I still have doubts tho

165: Aliens: Mmmmmm yeah

 164: Heaven: Yes

163: Hell: Yes

162: God: Yeup

 161: Horoscopes: without an ounce of truth, they would have died a long time ago

160: Soul mates: the greeks had seven words for love. i think we have multiple soul mates to fit each of those categories. there are definitely people we’re just meant to vibe with

159: Ghosts: i want to say yes but i really dont know

158: Gay Marriage: yes. its 2020. grow up.

157: War: in theory? no. war is kinda messed up. in reality? not everyone is going to be down to nice diplomatic conflict resolution, and not everyone is just gonna leave people *countries* they don’t like alone, so...

156: Orbs: ??? energies are real

155: Magic: vibes are real

 [ This or That ]

 154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs

153: Drunk or High: i am a child of jesus

152: Phone or Online: online

 151: Red heads or Black haired:  irdc but black hair bc i am Emo

150: Blondes or Brunettes: blonde?? ig?? easier to dye

149: Hot or cold: hot weather + cold rooms

148: Summer or winter: summer

147: Autumn or Spring: autum (screw spring)

 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla

145: Night or Day: night

 144: Oranges or Apples: oranges (better to share with homies)

 143: Curly or Straight hair: i dont care but curly

 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonald give iced coffee

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: dark chocolate

 140: Mac or PC: pc for vidgya gaemes

139: Flip flops or high heals: ...converse. please. i cant walk properly in either of those

 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor 

 137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi

136: Hillary or Obama: this is kinda outdated but obama

135: Burried or cremated: cremated i aint watch spn for nothin

134: Singing or Dancing: singing. at least that gets better with practice

133: Coach or Chanel: chanel (thank u mr frank ocean and also the neighborhood)

 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: whomst

 131: Small town or Big city: big city and if you say small town you’ve never lived in a small town

 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target

 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: who tf is this

 128: Manicure or Pedicure: idk dude probably pedicure i don’t like people touching my hands and i use them for too much to get my nails done

127: East Coast or West Coast: hnngggggggg west coast has more to do but east coast has better beaches and 

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday 

125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate bc then i can give u some

124: Disney or Six Flags: ive only been to disney so disney (though i AM a HARDCORE rollercoaster stan so it wouldnt take much for me to say six flags)

123: Yankees or Red Sox: what 

 [ Here’s What I Think About ]

 122: War: unfortunately sometimes necessary but not as a first resort i went over this already 

 121: George Bush: is that the shoe guy?

 120: Gay Marriage:  be gay. do crime. kiss wife. or husband. or partner. basically, hell yeah

119: The presidential election: america need 2 b single and focus on herself

 118: Abortion: pro-choice and that choice should be made by the one carrying the baby

117: MySpace: tumblr’s dad

116: Reality TV: don’t talk to about abt this

 115: Parents: disgusting. go to therapy. 

114: Back stabbers: if you’re gonna stab me in the back, pull my lungs through my ribcage bc that’s what my ancestor’s ghosts are gonna do to you (thanks great (x a few times) grandma viking ily thanks for the hair:) )

113: Ebay: good for merch and selling books

 112: Facebook: zuck my dick, data-theif

111: Work: i like doing work? like- i enjoy completing tasks and seeing my hard work pay off? it’s not that bad?

110: My Neighbors: old. boring. want me to babysit for free.

109: Gas Prices: i cant really complain rn they’re kinda low and im a little broke so

108: Designer Clothes: i vibe to them, honestly

 107: College: not for everyone but definitely for me

106: Sports: marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport but only technically speaking though you can make fair comparisons to sports such as cheer, and gymnastics where the idea is to put on a show and receive a score in the form of competition. 

 105: My family: disgusting

104: The future: the future doesn’t exist

 [ Last time I ] 

103: Hugged someone: god, don’t ask me this

 102: Last time you ate: uhhh like 9 hours ago? it was dinner and i had pizza

 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: three or four weeks ago by best bro came to visit and we vibed

100: Cried in front of someone: i finished twist and shout at school at the end of a very bad week. it was only a few tears but that’s as close as i get to crying

99: Went to a movie theater: whenever the last star wars movie came out

98: Took a vacation: last year i went to dc over summer break to see the Smithsonian, it was a lot of fun. i was supposed to go to altanta and florida this year but that didn’t happen for reasons

 97: Swam in a pool: last week

 96: Changed a diaper: never

 95: Got my nails done: never

 94: Went to a wedding: its been at least 6 years dude

93: Broke a bone: never, somehow

 92: Got a peircing: nope

91: Broke the law: technically, yesterday. 55 is too slow

90: Texted: just now

 [ MISC ] 

89: Who makes you laugh the most: the person in my snap named “junior”

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my cat

87: The last movie I saw: probably into the spiderverse

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: things going back to normal. or somewhat normal. i need school to have a schedule bc i absolutely cannot force myself to function without outside influence

 85: The thing im not looking forward to: ironically, school in the fall. the way we’re going back is going to wreck me more than lockdown already has

 84: People call me: i only ft one of my bros and they know who tf they are if you ask to ft you’re getting fuckin blocked mate i dont do that shit video calls are for WORK and SCHOOL thats IT. but ppl call me by my nickname irl, i go by screech on here. 

83: The most difficult thing to do is: listen to my parent’s political opinions? live in a small town? force myself to be productive without a physical influence and reminder? put up with that one dude?

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope

 81: My zodiac sign is: scoprio/leo/gemini

80: The first person i talked to today was: the potential bassist for our potential band? 

79: First time you had a crush: uhh im still not sure if it was a crush but i wanted them to myself and they wanted (and got) someone better. we were just friends so it doesn’t really matter

 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: the person on snap named “the great oracle”

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday, it was my brother

 76: Right now I am talking to: in order of snap names, “vibin ~[^.^]~”, “russian umbrella”, and “mom” (not really)

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully, a job that makes me happy

74: I have/will get a job: as soon as i know what’s going on with school. but like as an adult? wherever will hire me and pay my fairly. being a barista would be fun, but at a local place (not in my current town)

73: Tomorrow: ???? time for bad poetry: tomorrow i will see my friend/ admist this lasting chaos/ we will be each other’s solitude/ while sharing fruity drinks/ and when we both come home/ a smile we will bring

72: Today: idk what this means so more poetry: today i will be sleep deprived as always/ i will think of them and weep/ but no tears will fall from my eyes/ for i know there is a reason/ we went our own way

 71: Next Summer: i fr dont know whats goin on so: next summer i will be/ as happy as can be/ because i will be in pain no longer/ the earth is sure to heal/ and i will heal with her/ so i can enjoy/ the heatwave of next summer

70: Next Weekend: next weekend i will spend/ my days wasting away/ maybe ill finish hannibal/ again/ not that serial killers make the dopamine stay/ i will not see my friends/ or talk to my family/ i will seldom eat/ and live off coffee/ this has been my life/ all quarintine/ god someone please help me

 69: I have these pets: i have four cats, three chickens, and a dog

 68: The worst sound in the world: my dad and grandpa talking

 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Them

 66: People that make you happy: snap name time: the great oracle, junior, vibin ~[^.^]~, russian umbrella, mom, hero, booby-king 48, go to bed, son, pooper trooper, mac&cheese, plain egg biscuit, apple pie

 65: Last time I cried: i dont cry bitch (last week over officals that cant make up they gottdamned mindes)

64: My friends are: my family and i would die for each and all of them

 63: My computer is: an old hp but it play gaemes real good so it okie

 62: My School: is trash but the band pops off

61: My Car: old, fast, clean

60: I lose all respect for people who: are my dad

 59: The movie I cried at was: i cried over big hero six

 58: Your hair color is: blonde

57: TV shows you watch: supernatural, good omens, hannibal, parks and rec

56: Favorite web site: this hellsite or youtube

 55: Your dream vacation: out of the country with beautiful beaches, amazing food, and my best friend

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: the time i split the back of my head open, the time i split my chin open, and the time my then best friend said they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. i’ll let you guess which one hurt the most and which one i think about every fucking day

53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium or medium well. 

52: My room is: clean and a reflection of myself, or so i’ve been told

51: My favorite celebrity is: i do not engage in celebrity worship. ill follow them and reblog gifs/interviews but i dont really have a favorite. the less i know abt them the better.

 50: Where would you like to be: my own apartment in nyc

49: Do you want children: FUCK THEM KIDS BRO

 48: Ever been in love: i dont know if it was love. i dont know if it was a crush. what i do know id that i was attached and they didn’t feel the same, and why would they?

 47: Who’s your best friend: we dont really use best friend bc but “the great oracle” “junior” and “vibin ~[^.^]~”

46: More guy friends or girl friends: its 50/50

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: goin fast, the beach, playin video games

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: them

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: go to college, earn degree

 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: commit arson

 41: Have you pre-named your children: FUCK. THEM. KIDS. BRO.

40: Last person I got mad at: they do not understand that they do not know everything about something they’re not even involved in yet

39: I would like to move to: new zealand

38: I wish I was a professional: artist? musican? youtuber? who knows

 [ My Favorites ] 

37: Candy: nerds

36: Vehicle: 1970 mustang gt

 35: President: jfk only bc his assassination is the only good thing abt american history the rest of it is fucked up and shouldn’t have happened. also jfk’s song in assassians the musical goes hard

34: State visited: california

 33: Cellphone provider: verizon? apple? idfk

32: Athlete: what is sport

31: Actor: i don't watch shows or movies

30: Actress: i do not consume media

29: Singer: alex gaskarth or alexander deleon

 28: Band: fall out boy 

 27: Clothing store: hot topic (i will not apologize)

 26: Grocery store: okay harris teeter fucks but lidil’s has aloe vera juice and target at 9 pm energy so idk man 

25: TV show: supernatural...

24: Movie: big hero 6

 23: Website: tumblr or youtube

 22: Animal: snow leopard 

 21: Theme park: busch gardens bc roller coaster go fast

20: Holiday: christmas

19: Sport to watch: snowboarding bc its like skateboarding but on snow

18: Sport to play: anything with havy footwork (marching band is a sport)

17: Magazine: i do not condume media

16: Book: the ranger’s apprentice series as a whole makes up my all-time one favorite book

 15: Day of the week: friday bc its game day baybey

14: Beach: cocoa beach in florida but also i have so much left to experience 

13: Concert attended: i havent been to any notable gigs but i was supposed to go to hella mega

 12: Thing to cook: pancakes

11: Food: pizza or shushi

 10: Restaurant: chiplote

 9: Radio station: i like my local rock station and my local edm/top 40 station

8: Yankee candle scent: anything smoky or vanilla idc

7: Perfume: chanel no. 5 if i even wear it

6: Flower: Hydrangea

5: Color: orange

 4: Talk show host: cecil palmer

 3: Comedian: john maulaney

 2: Dog breed: yes

1: Did you answer all these truthfully? ;)

That was a trip. But it was fun, please do things like this more often. Also, I don’t consume media by choice. I’m not sheltered I just can’t be bothered, and I have enough going on. That being said I will now be sleeping. Thanks again, Anon, I hope you have fun reading this :D

[lovemesomesurveys]

Did the best moment of your life happen at summer camp? I didn’t go to summer camp.  Do you get tired of fakebook? Fakebook, ha. It’s whatever. I don’t spend a lot of time on there, honestly. I just spend a few minutes a couple times or so a day scrolling through the feed and “like” some stuff.  Are you a poser on facebook or are you real? I don’t post a lot of personal stuff on there. I actually rarely post anything at all anymore. Like I said, I mostly just scroll through the feed “liking” stuff. I sometimes share a funny or relatable post, but that’s about it.

Are you a people pleaser? I mean... I don’t want to upset anyone or having any confrontation. I’m usually pretty agreeable with most things to avoid any issues. I’ll go along with what they want to do even if it’s not what I want to do (for the most part). I just don’t want any problems and it’s just easier to do those things. So, according to Psychology Today, avoiding conflict, agreeing with everyone (or pretending to), and finding it hard to say no are some of the top 10 things people who are people pleasers do. Another is not admitting to someone that your feelings are hurt, which is also me. But then also I’m not someone who has to be liked by everyone or seeks everyone’s validation. I feel like I do those things above because of the whole confrontation/avoiding conflict/not wanting to cause any issues thing and not because I want to be liked by everyone if that makes sense. Not to say that I don’t want to be liked, but... I don’t know. Whatever, you get what mean. Or maybe you don’t. *shrug* 

This response was so unnecessarily long, ha. Do you get irritated a lot? All the time. I’m very moody and irritable. What’s something you’ve realized about yourself lately? Nothing new. Do you know a lot of idiots? No, but I hear about and read things where I’m just like....yikes, wtf is wrong with some people? It’s alarming. Do you want a puppy or a kitty? Aww I love puppies, but I have a doggo and one is good for us. Do you hate that some people are stuck-up? I certainly don’t like if someone is stuck up and rude to me. Or really, just that way in general to people. It’s not a cute look. I hear the horror stories from people I know who work with the general public and wow. People can really be just so unnecessarily rude and cruel.  Would you rather be poor and humble or rich and snooty? I definitely wouldn’t want to be snooty. Can I be rich, but humble? ha. I’d be appreciative. I’d give back. I wouldn’t think I was superior to or above anyone just because I had money.  Do you know any humble rich people? I dont know any rich ppl, lmao . <<< Ha, same. Do you hate the millennial stereotype? I don’t pay much attention to that stuff. Does your religion or spirituality teach you to love your enemies? Yes. Do you love your enemies? I don’t have any enemies. Do you struggle to love your enemies? Do you get bullied frequently? I’m my only bully. Do you often wish you could go to sleep and not wake up until something good happens? As hard as it has been these past few years, I wouldn’t want to miss everything. I wouldn’t want to wake up one day and my loved ones are all much older, or worse. I wouldn’t want to miss the important things in their lives.  How many people do you know who are suicidal? I don’t know. You don’t always know that about a person. Do you read advice columns? No. Have you ever used a dating site? Nope. I’ve never had any interest in doing so. Do you want a fairy godmother? No. Do you enjoy watching talent shows? The only one I watch is The Voice. Which cartoon character would you want to play you in a movie? Wait…if there was a cartoon character playing me, then wouldnt they simply be modeled after me? <<< Good point. What is something you do not understand? Why I’m like this, the things I’ve gone through/are going through, life... a lot of things. Do you think cars are ugly? Some are. What is your favorite musical? Sweeney Todd. Are you ok? “I’m nooooooooot okay. I’m not okay, I’m not o-fucking-kay.” Do you ever feel God’s presence? Yes. Do you believe in angels? Yes. What is your favorite magazine? I don’t read any. What color hair did your favorite Barbie doll have? Most of my Barbies were blonde, but I had a few brunettes.  Who were you rooting for in the very first season of American Idol? Kelly Clarkson. Do you believe in miracles? Yes. Have you ever been to a tea shop? Yes. If there were a tea shop in your city, would you go to it? *shrug* maybe. Do you still have your Christmas decorations up? Yes. It’s barely January 2nd, chill out Old Sport.  How many pairs of jeggings do you own? Zero. Do you have any memories that are painful? Plenty. Do you make a habit of taking risks and stepping outside of your comfort zone? Ha, nope. Is your life boring? Yes, but I don’t have the energy or motivation to do much and I do like doing the things that I do. It works for me. What is your favorite thing to follow on tumblr? Blogs that post stuff related to my various fandoms, relatable and aesthetically pleasing things, and of course surveys.  What are your favorite Pinterest boards? I’m not big on Pinterest. I go on there sometimes to find cute pics and wallpapers for my phone, but that’s about it. Is your Pinterest profile cluttered? No. Like I said, I don’t much on there. If I find photos I like I just save them to my phone. Do you wish you owned more board games? Yeah. I love board games. Do you wish you had visitors more often? No.  Do you hate our culture? Lol, this jst reminds me of that one post thats like “no U live in a society. I live at my mom’s house”. Except in my case, its my dad’s house. And like I said above - I feel rather shielded from the world at large. Its almost as tho Im watching a movie unfold from afar <<< I can relate to that.  Do you live in the USA? Yes. What accent do you like best? British or southern accents. What are some things you would like to do this summer? Ew, I am NOT thinking about summer. It’s barely January, please let me enjoy this winter weather. What are some things you love about spring? The rain. Are you feeling optimistic today? No. When was the last time you did something that made you feel stupid? I feel that way a lot because of things I have and haven’t done and the ongoing, lasting effects of those things.  Is there anything that you’re questioning if you’re allergic to? No. Do you believe everyone should be treated with respect when you first meet them? I’m polite and civil to everyone I meet. Do you hate that nobody cares? About what? What websites shut down that you miss? Xanga was great for surveys. I’m also sad I lost all the surveys I did on there. What were your favorite websites when you were a teenager? I spent a lot of time on Myspace. There was also this Jonas Brothers website that had message boards and a chatroom, which I spent a lot of time on as well.  What was the best class you took in high school? English and Spanish.  Are you happy? No. Would you ever enroll in a college class just for fun? No. I’m done with school. I have no desire to go back, not even for just an elective. Do you feel free to be yourself? Yeah, pretty much. This is me, take it or leave it. Do you stand up for yourself when needed? Depends.

[monolid-monologues]

Click, Clique, Click

#17.

At 24, i’m overhauling everything i thought i wanted from friendships

* * *

people get so terrified of being friend-less they don’t wanna be without their Brand of Squad but bet on god the same people are so unhappy. even with their friends... can’t open up to their friends can’t bear showing the actually *Difficult For Us to even Face Ourselves* vulnerabilities.

In 2019, our “followers” see the content our “friends” do.  This seriously complicates how we see our friends. More and more, outside the generic Celebri-Dome,  i’m curious what’s the difference between followers & friends, when, say, most of your communications and engagements, happen on those friend/follower intersected platforms. 

On vulnerabilities - then - on the difficult parts - on sharing the hard stuff - the difference appears to be intimacy?

Then if friendship is intimacy.. how many friends do any of us really have?

* * *

In my teens

i thought i wanted (no, needed*) people i could hit up on a whim

people waiting around just like i was for something to happen people who needed me to feel like they belonged because i needed them, to belong somewhere, too.

I thought i needed a group of people to give me the Juice i need to live a brilliant, beautiful life. I thought i needed a permanent nexus of support to SPRING ME INTO LAUDED SUCCESS. I thought i needed these witnesses, consistent and forever, to see me, recognize me, know me.

Sometimes i feel i’m on my 9th life.

My life experiences are [...] marked by high turnover. Itch after itch, i will myself to move and search and create life, create relationships, create opportunities. These paths are laced with decay. Collateral, roads splitting in two, missed junctions, Out Of Gas, you name it.

-- 11 Feb 2019

At 24,

i belong in rehearsal i belong with my brother i belong with my self-care know-hows i belong at the beach i belong in meditation i belong at rest i belong on stage i belong in the wild i belong in the wind i belong in this world, my feet on this ground, and you too. 

and i don’t belong...in one role. i don’t belong on the wallpaper wallflowering i don’t belong at the base of your pedestal i don’t belong in a mold i don’t belong behind a screen i don’t belong in my hubris, my ego. i don’t belong in some worlds. and i won’t belong in this world forever. 

It won’t be long.

WE DON’T HAVE LONG.

Our time is ticking sharply. Our time is spent specifically (whether you know it or nah). And yes, ouch, and oh fuck: the responsibility we have over our lives - the responsibility to live our best lives - can switch out like a blade, can cut us as soon as we try to hold it. Can be an injurious learningXmastery process.

* * *

At 24, 

Friendship today is long distance. it is full of missing yous. it is full of trying to find a date, set a date, then missing a date, and saying yes to the tumbling cycle on “heart WRUNG” on “HIGH” all over again. Or losing steam, saying no, not now, maybe later, (Sorry).

In friendship today, timing is everything.

In friendship today, you in your 20s - me in mine, love yours. and love yours. love yourz. (j. cole). goddammnit!!!! LOVE YOURZ.

I can’t love yourz for you.  You can’t love mine for me. 2x For the ppl in the back: Nobody can love yourz for you. 

They’ll clap for you. double tap for you. validate some noise in your ego. Help you forget. Distract you from your discontent for a little bit. But nobody can love yourz for you.  My dear friends, i know we are friends because We are taking care of our piling lives’ layers, adjacent and neighborly. We are patient with the people who love us, And patient with the people we love. 

* * *

At 24,

Honesty is Gold. 

And TODAY IT IS SO CRAZY HOW EMOTIONALLY DISHONEST SELF-PROCLAIMED FRIENDS CAN BE WITH EACH OTHER. How are you doing? How am i doing? Ugh, not because ya’ll don’t want to, i know, i know. It’s so hard. who has the time? do WE even have the time, to go there? Who does? 

The personal / private / public is a BLOB. A BLUR. Sosh MEEDS (Phoebe Robinson) makes us feel like we have to *Contribute* to a positive world image by posting our incessant public positivity. (Pero newsflash::::::::::: social media is LIMITED in the FORMS of“positivity” we can spread. The running gamut is dominated by ONE tool, one major strategy: aesthetic, and beauty. THESE ARE 2 OF THE MANY VALUES AND POSITIVE FORCES IN THE UNIVERSE. SOCIAL MEDIA GON’ MAKE YOU FORGET IF YOU AIN’T CAREFUL, THAT POSITIVE ENERGY IS MORE THAN HOW IT LOOKS, AND HOW IT CAN BE CAPTURED.)

I myself struggle to remember it IS okay to show the hard, the scars, the ugly, the uncomfortable, the funny AND unfunny, --  i myself need to remember, it is OKAY to unveil my weaknesses to the people who care about me. It is NOT ruining their days. It IS NOT making their days harder, necessarily, because

if you and me got the right ship,  You and i know our well-being is our responsibilities. 

* * *

When i look at my 12 year old self,  i see the desperation! I laugh because this 12 year old dreamed of a group of friends she would be with FOREVER. LIVE/EAT/SLEEP FOREVER. A lil bb who, actually, wanted family, but without the sense of one, looked to all these strangers and acquaintances around her for It. 

Tribe. Find your tribe. 

And what if your tribe is, as un-cozy as “My tribe is the ground i connect to my heels, the vacancy in this time and space i look to fill, the strangers i give a chance with a glance, or better, a stare.” 

Can my tribe be as Undisclosed and Invisible and Intangible as this universe?

Is that sounding greedy now? LOL. Unrelatable? LOL. *too broad”? Is “General” counter to what “tribe” is?  A PLACE HOLDER? A COP OUT?

IIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiii don’t fkn know.

i’m probably still looking.

xoxo

[findsomeoneelse]

       This might be a very angsty thing to say but I kind of legit hate my dad. He complains all the time that my brother (who i think probably has depression or something rn) and I don’t help him around the house but 1) when we do he’s a huge asshole, literally calls me retarded all the time bc he’ll verbally tell me like 10 things in a row to do and my ADD ass can’t remember it like that and he often  threatens me as well (and there have been incidents with physical violence between him and me). 2) gives us the most useless and asinine tasks i.e. vacuuming a BRICK PATIO or WASHING ROCKS. 3) will ask us when it’s convenient for HIM, my brother and I are 20 and 21 and have either a job or school and for a while I was doing both. 4) he is NEVER satisfied no matter how much we do. 

        And concerning the physical violence shit I have so much pent up feelings about it. As far as I know he’s never come after my brother like that. He may have hit my mom before but I’m not sure. I just know that once they got into a bad argument or something bc he was being really loud bc of a football game and then suddenly my mom was crying (she doesn’t cry a lot) grabbed us kids and went to our grandma’s. He’s also kicked every dog we’ve ever had, literally drop kicked one through a small tree bc it chewed the blinds and then left him outside to run away while he took off to who knows where to sulk. But my point is he has NEVER treated my brother the way he has treated me and it shows. My brother gets away with avoiding so much work and a fuck-ton of lying. My dad almost never invades his space or commandeers his stuff. I’ve almost failed several big school projects in the past bc he’d randomly decide to punish me or that his stupid yard work was more important and that it was my fault for not accounting for his random chores. 

         I literally keep a bug-out bag in my car and a knife by my bed bc of him. I spent my entire junior and senior years of high school with a stomach ache every single day and horrible insomnia from anxiety bc if he wasn’t threatening me with violence he was talking about kicking me out of the house for no real reason. His response to my worsening mental health was to make jokes or just ignore me when I managed to finally muster up the determination to say something. If my mom hadn’t taken action and helped me get help I’d most likely be dead now. I’m still trying to rebuild my self esteem that he destroyed. Then years after I was on medication (that he was opposed to and mocked, my mom was the only one on top of that) and doing better he had the fucking audacity to ask me about how I was doing. Me being like 16 yrs old I lacked the vocab to say that I feel that he forfeited the right to ask me those things so I just shrugged it off.

          He insults and mocks every friend I have in some way shape or form. He also once told me that some older friends I was extremely close to at the time would eventually get tired of hanging out with an annoying little kid so I should get used to them not being around bc they would leave me. I mean he was right about that, and they were pretty toxic for me but that was really fucked up and I’ll never forget it.

          I finally have a good romantic relationship now, with a boy surprisingly, and he’s so sweet to me. Every time he tells me anything remotely kind I almost fucking cry bc I immediately assume he’s lying or somehow delusional. We had our first sort of disagreement, it wasn’t even that big a deal he had just made a few jokes that had upset me, but I was so terrified to bring it up and was so ready for a fight that when he simply apologized for his behavior and promised to correct it I immediately broke down in tears of relief. I’m so terrified for him to meet my dad bc I don’t want him to belittle and invalidate us, or try and take away all our privacy in a weird attempt at policing my sexuality (he has tried something like this in the past with my brother). I’m also so scared my boyfriend will just assume my dad is a normal nice guy and that I’m crazy, bc my dad is good at appearances. We’re well-off but honestly the only reason my brother and I ever see any of that money is bc of our mom, she handles the finances (and p much everything else around here). 

        That’s another thing I hate is that bc I turned out okay everyone assumes he must be a good parent. I had to work so fucking hard to become who I am now DESPITE him NOT because of him. I had to work so hard to become a kinder person, and learn to motivate, comfort, advocate, take care of myself. I’m an intelligent person (at least i’ve been told I am) bc I work to teach myself, both in school and life. I had to learn all my emotional intelligence and social skills myself. I’m working to make my life good and full of the love I never felt from him and to a slightly lesser extent my mom. I’m still working at it. Which is why I’m just as afraid that he’ll be accepting of my relationship and be “proud” or whatever. Thinking he raised a confident and smart daughter. That he has any right to be a voyeur to my happiness or take any credit for it.  

      I work hard so work through so many issues he caused in me on my own. I work so hard to keep myself from sabotaging my current relationship bc I feel unworthy or like it will just vanish. I still can’t fully grasp that this boy could genuinely like me and feel like I’m worthy of his time and effort bc of how stupid and ugly my dad has made me feel my entire life. I have so many things I want to tell my SO but in the moment feel like I physically cannot get the words out for fear of looking stupid when he finally leaves me. I still have so many walls up with him and I really don’t want to but I can’t get them down bc I’m so fucking scared despite all the evidence he’s given me that he cares about me and just wants to know me. It’s honestly incredible how just having someone like him has changed me for the better. He makes me feel smart and capable, like I can have the life I want. He doesn’t see any of the shit my dad seems to see in me and hate. Like fuck the fact that I only seemed to need one stable and loving relationship in my life to succeed really says something I think. 

       I hate feeling like I can’t talk to my own parents, well mostly my mom, but they really make it impossible. My dad bc you never know what will piss him off or if he even gives a shit and my mom bc she will probably tell him whatever you tell her. I have other adults, my aunt (my mom’s older sister) and uncle (tho he’s a newer addition to the family, they married last year.) but I’m so scared to talk to them in case they slip up and let stuff slip to my parents. My aunt also just doesn’t Get a lot of things like mental illness so she can invalidate ppl and be mean. She does encourage me a lot tho, more than my parents EVER have. 

      My SO doesn’t have much of an idea of my relationship w my family other than it seems strained and we barely talk despite all living together. He sometimes half-jokingly tells me I should spend more time with them or make an effort too, and I don’t tell him that I’m not the one who fucked that up for us. I try not to talk about any of this with him yet, and I honestly don’t know when a good time is or how to go about it. He’s gotten little hints here and there before I change the subject. He has a relatively big family that he regularly spends time with, so I don’t know if he’d understand all this. His dad is a little similar to mine in the sense that he always seems to have weird projects around the house that he drags them into but it doesn’t seem like he’s violent. I honestly don’t know what to say about the physical abuse. I’m so scared of how he’ll react. I’m scared he’ll brush it off, I’m scared he’ll get super concerned or angry for me. I just don’t want it to change how he sees me. People seem to get the impression that I’m confident and that I don’t take shit, and it makes me feel so embarrassed that I let myself be pushed around by my dad.

      If anyone actually reads this post and has suggestions for talking to an SO about this stuff (especially in the case of an abuser being good at manipulation/gas lighting) let me know any suggestions you have. I thought by this point in this rant I’d have some sort of clarity but I don’t really. My dad has been slightly better the last year or so, since we moved to a new house that’s bigger and we’re on opposite sides of it. After one of his worst outbursts (at the beginning of my senior year) I gave him a book about male abuse in an attempt at confrontation but I doubt he read it. He’s been better but I can’t let go of all these feelings. Older people tell me that eventually I’ll forgive him and move on but I honestly don’t want to. I don’t want him to just get away with treating us like garbage. Maybe that makes me petty and childish but I am barely 20 so. It be like that. Might make a separate post about my brother might not. I love him but dudes got issues rn.

[buddyhollyscurls]

blossom (do all 3), blush, bright, candlelight (or whenever your last dream was), cuddly, cutie pie, daylight, euphoric, fairy, garden, glow, jiggly, kisses, prince, princess, rainbow, starlight, soft, toot, whiffle, wispy (sorry there were just so many questions i liked!!!)

MY DEAREST DIANA U ARE AN ABSOLUTE TREASURE THANK YOU SO MUCH

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?:

favorite book: the pigman series by paul zindel, because of romek by david faber, and the catcher in the rye by jd salinger 

favorite movie: life is beautiful, la strada, coco 

favorite song: ironia by mana, back to black by amy winehouse, i’ve been good to you by the miracles 

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?: when i was about 12? or so my brother got me and my sister a gift card for build a bear workshop lol i got a bunny i named babz she has on a purple sweat suit. i kept the box and her birth certificate but my niece messed them up and lost her jacket when she was a baby :( but i still have babz she sits on my vanity in my room i don’t think i’ll ever be able to give her up. 

bright; mermaids or fairies?: definitely faires i hope to be a fairy in my next life preferably a forest one who is able to make plants grow

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?: the last dream i REMEMBER had something to do with my trying to prevent death?? IDK BLAME GOBLIN I HAD JUST FINISHED WATCHING IT AND IT WAS SERIOUSLY AFFECTED THAT SHOW FUCKED ME UP 

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?: the 60s have always held a huge fascination for me. like i remember i used to love February bc that was when we would talk about the civil rights movement and stuff and through that i remember being like 12 and seeing documentaries about the black panthers and woodstock. 

most precious item you own: i have a lot of those babz is one, i’m a very sentimental person i have a hello kitty box filled with pics friends have given me i have a Berenstain bears book i once put in a time capsule with my sister and brother that we had to dig up super early bc we moved ummm i still have cards and stuff friends have given me one is even from my tenth birthday, drawings my niece has made me, a shoebox full of journals i’ve filled up things like that i feel if i made them or if someone gave them to me they’re super precious. my book and movies as well.

favorite album of all time: tie between back to black or stg peppers 

talk about someone u love: i’m going to talk about my nieces and nephews rn bc i love them so much: adelie is the oldest she’s ten and my favorite person in the whole world. when she was born i took care of her a lot even stopped going to school for about a year so my sister could go and we got so close bc of that she is just so funny and silly and loving i hate that my girl has to grow up i want her to be little forever. next is my nephew Malcolm he’s so energetic and he plays a bit too rough with adelie and his brother and sister but he’s a great big brother he looks out for them and he and adelie get along super well. nicole is next she is an actual angel she is the sweetest girl in this entire planet she is so nurturing and she is super helpful and gentle. and finally my nephew diego. he’s three and the exact clone of my brother i even have this ig post of a side by side photo from when my brother was little they’re wearing red shirts and i stg they even have the same smile. my little man is so cute. when he was born it took a little while for him to warm up to us bc we don’t get the chance to see him as much as we did when adelie was born. but now its a complete 180 sometimes i’ll be walking and he’ll just run up and give me a hug and it makes my heart soar 

fairy; do you have a pet?: sadly i don’t haha i want to have a senior cat or senior dog but that’ll have to wait until i get my own place. hopefully whenever i get into something called a serious relationship we can get a puppy together and raise it together but who knows when that’ll come i don’t want a puppy until then tho

garden; how many languages do you know?: outside english i know spanish and a tiny bit of italian and portuguese just barely tho lol not enough to have a conversation but i can probably pick up a few sentences i want to learn italian portuguese french (that one is SUPER HARD THO FRENCH WTF) and maybe arabic 

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

1: ppl tell me i’m funny

2. i’m really honest 

3. i’m tenacious 

4. i’m very empathetic 

5. for the most part i’m a postive person i’m one of those ppl that are just everyone’s personal cheerleader 

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?: watch movies lmaoooo this weekend alone i saw train to busan, silenced, see you tomorrow, this is not what i expected, turn left turn right, and lust caution. i don’t see movies during the week (during school anyway) so usually all week i try to be like what am i watching this weekend. it’s very rare i willingly make plans over the weekend we can hang out during the week but weekends are for movies.

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?: i am a romantic sap lol i am the cheesiest person i know but for some reason i’m not into cliches i guess like hmmm i guess for me the one i want most is to fall in love with my best friend. like i meet someone and we just click and they make me do the chris evans laugh A LOTand i’m able to open up and just talk with them and gradually one day its like oh snap. so this is the person i’m supposed to be with. tight. 

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?: atrocious. sometimes i can’t even read what i just wrote. but i hear ugly handwriting is a sign of high intelligence so theres that lmaooo. 

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?: uuuuhhh i don’t :((((((((( if i could i wish i could play guitar (i only know a few chords) drums, piano, bass, even the sitar ok brian and george made it look sick af 

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?: “For the first time ever, I think Haddock may have a point, you know.” my mad fat diary by rae earl (if u haven’t seen the show i highly rec it it’s one of my fave ever just a side note)

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?: hey arnold ok don’t even get me started on it i’ll talk forever how great it is even now its just timeless even adults should watch it and i’ve said this before and i’ll say it a million more times helga g pataki is probably one of the most complex, interesting, well written female character EVER on any show i owe craig bartlett my entire life. 

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house: the dining room its huge and its got big windows i love looking out windows so when i write i like sitting at the table to look out every now and then sometimes i’ll just look out that window when i wake up and be like damn its a new day. 

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?: hmmm…. i guess how idealistic i am. and how intense i feel about things. when i was a kid i thought everyone had strong feelings about something and just LOVED things all the time but getting older i realize being passionate about things esp things like books and tv and movies is really………. odd haha. like even now i will type paragraphs about a favorite movie or something that happened in a show and my friends will be like why are u like this. the same goes with how idealistic i am like thought it was normal to have so many things u want to do and see in the world but when i talk to my friends theyre like oh i just never thought about doing that so it makes me feel odd sometimes bc i know i expecet a lot out of life hahahaha. 

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?: either flight or invisibility 

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?: i LOVE san diego and i LOVE california (in spite of how damn expensive it is here) but even when i was little i didn’t see myself living here as an adult with a family. i just always felt like this world is so big why live in one place your whole life. one day i want to live somewhere green and have my farm with my little animals and soccer team of kids haha. like linda and paul mccartney. 

[screamingintp]

more about my mc

this is a mess, please don’t read it unless you’re interested in what i come up with when i’m sleep deprived and creating my first rp character

https://character-resource.deviantart.com/art/Big-Ass-Character-Sheet-Updating-167182524 but i cut out a buncha shit

welcome to hell(or the place in which I can’t capitalize for shit and curse too much and am vague but that’s honestly my personality in general)

Full Name: Mark Knox

Meaning: Mark, derived from Martkos(Roman), related to the war god, Mars. Knox, derived from cnoc(Scottish), meaning hillock.

Origin: made it up on the spot because planning is for cowards

Signature: illegible letters - MKX

Gender: male

Orientation: pan(i wrote pam and don’t regret it)-aro

Blood: three-quarters pure, half blood father

Birthday: 6-6

Deathday: (May not have one yet)(oh gee, did you not expect me to have a day of death?)(well, i don’t)

Astrological Sign: Gemini(fun fact: Draco’s the only Gemini on the wiki)(why is this relevant)(astrology is weird as all hell)

____

Immediate Family: Jacob Knox(brother)

Distant Family: Shay Knox(mother), Clark Knox(father)

Parenting: non-existent

Upbringing(morals and ideals): considering he was raised by a person only a few years older than him, during the period of Voldemort’s rule, he is less screwed up than he could’ve been. However, he still possesses a rather vague and undefined sense of right and wrong - using his logic to bypass any sort of regrets if it blocks him from his goal

Infancy: (dropped at birth is an option and i’m living for it)

Childhood: that one kid who lit ants on fire and was ‘rebellious’ (you know that post about america being the asshole kid with neglectful parents? That’s the one)

Adolescence: canon

Adulthood: never. He hasn’t even gotten taller

____

Species: hooman

Preferred Hand: ambidextrous(he keeps injuring his hands)

Facial Type: like a face, why is this - oval, i guess

Eye Color: dark brown

Hair Color (Self Explanatory)(it isn’t when his hair is grey/silver/white)(the kid probably bleached his already pale hair)(he probably likes the smell of bleach)

Hairstyle: fringe-up

Complexion: blushes easily, relatively smooth unless you look at the cuts and bruises and scars on his arms, back and legs

Body Type: ectomorph

Build: skinny arms and legs, he isn’t the most physically fit and regularly damages his body due to his complete lack of care for his own safety

Height: 65 in

Weight: 120 lb

Shoe Size: (Shoe size doesn’t matter)(goddamnit i forgot this was an innuendo)(keep it pg, please)

Birthmarks/scars: no birthmarks, and has tons of ugly marks all over him, none of them particularly remarkable

Distinguishing Features: the contrast between his eye color and hair color - but other than the hair, he doesn’t have a memorable face

_____

Health: as healthy as a wizard without impulse control and emotional support could be

Energy: swings from highs and lows without any pattern

Memory: remembers the small stuff, the negative parts - forgets about major ideas or lessons

Senses: heavily relies on eyes, can’t taste for shit

Allergies: (Self Explanatory. May be optional.)(i mean, i would put animals, but we have transfiguration)

Medication: needs some, doesn’t take any

Phobias(irrational fears):

Symmetrophobia(fear of symmetry, an unnatural-looking but normal occurrence, which isn’t debilitating, but causes him stress and uneasiness)

Siderophobia(fear of the stars, the idea that there’s so much out there that he doesn’t know of is pretty awful and, again, while it isn’t going to freeze him up, it will cause him to become upset)

Addictions: none yet

Mental Disorders: undiagnosed

______

Style: couldn’t care less about appearance  - he wears the school robes most of the time

Mode of Dress: doesn’t have a particular taste, as long as it’s passable, it’s fine - tends to wear a size or two larger

Grooming: somewhere in between messy and neat

Posture: he displays an air of aloofness and confidence - almost condescending in stance

Gait: quickly and efficiently - it’s brisk at his slowest

Coordination: not physically fit at all, he’s too reckless for that - exercises to the point of exhaustion without realizing that it’s detrimental to do so and has limbs flying all over the place

Habits and Mannerisms: taps his foot or fingers when excited, nervous, or anything that deviates from his usual ‘cool’ facade

Scent: earth, smoke, and grass - faint but noticeable

______

Mood: ‘calm’ - probably plotting though

Attitude: he’s charismatic and charming until you dig deeper

Stability: hA

Expressiveness: can act like he’s wearing his heart on his sleeve but can never fully give his true thoughts

When Happy: smirks - invades personal space and slows down

When Depressed: smiles - talks louder and speaks faster

When Angry: (trolls online is an option and if that isn’t Mark, i don’t know what is) smirks - wide eyes and tense hands

______

Friends: Rubeus Hagrid - but not really

Enemies: Rita Skeeter - but not really

Bosses: Filius Flitwick - but not really

Followers: not even himself

Heroes: Filius Flitwick - “short people are closer to hell and he’s gonna whoop my ass if I do anything stupid”

Rivals: Ismelda - “for most edgy teen”

Relates to: Dumbledore - impersonal but seemingly close, full of contradictions and ulterior motives

Pets/Familiars: does his jar of bug bodies count?

______

Wardrobe: mostly consisting of Hogwarts robes, formal robes, and the identical grey-blue sweater and jeans

Equipment: carries a wand and a pencil(but not paper, because he has problems)

Accessories: a single dangling silver piercing on his right ear(family tradition)

Trinkets: carries hair ties on his wrist all the time(why? He doesn’t even know)

Funds: his family is relatively well off, being a respected branch of purebloods

Home: almost like his personality, warm and nice on the outside, cozy on the inside, but dead silent and empty when no one looks - not large but not small either, seeming normal by all accounts if you don’t look into any of the rooms(jacob’s windows are taped shut and Mark broke through the locked door that connected their bedrooms)

Neighborhood: the woods

Transportation: running because stamina apparently is infinite in this world

Collections: bug bodies, herbs, and lighters

Prized Possession: his wand, after seeing Jacob’s broken one

_____

Lovers: yeet

Marital Status: yeet

____

Experience: works in the three broomsticks in his off time to get experience and money, nothing serious

Organizations/Affiliations: changeable, he doesn’t plant many roots or make any long-term promises

______

Education: i mean, Hogwarts. But is it even ‘education’?

School: (What was their school like?) bitch this is Hogwarts

Social Stereotype: “least favorite cursed student”

Intelligence: mostly interpersonal, linguistic and logical

Extracurricular Activities: would do theater if given the chance

_____

Morals: don’t exist - but he honestly has a problem with reasoning his way into committing seriously wrong deeds

Crime Record: hasn’t been caught yet ;)

Motivation: adrenaline, change - nothing truly meaningful or satisfying

Priorities: knowledge, humans, self

Philosophy: gen z nihilism

Etiquette: usually practices ‘correct’ etiquette - does not give a fuck if his behaviour offends someone though

Influences: everything and anything he finds intriguing

Traditions: tries to run away from them, always moving and staying ahead of the past

______

Career: spell-inventor or wand-maker/seller

Desires: uncertain

Accomplishments: undetermined

Biggest Failure: failing Jacob

Secrets: his manipulative side, his genuinely mean streak and the fact that he regrets having those traits

Regrets: a shit ton of things

Worries: Jacob, being nothing in the grand scheme of things, being a hypocrite, betrayal, a shit ton of things

Best Dream: having a greater purpose

Worst Nightmare: dying alone and being left behind as a ghost

Best Memories: finding his brother’s secret room, meeting Billingsley

Worst Memories: losing his brother, lying to his teachers, accidentally calling Chester: Jacob

_______

Hobbies/Interests: explore the wilderness, identify flora and fauna, observing other people

Skills/Talents: pyromancy, charms in general, debating, acting, singing

Likes: mint, sharpies, fire

Dislikes: himself, close-minded people, pity

Sense of Humor: sarcastic, self-deprecating, relatively dark

Pet Peeves: the guy scratching his quill the wrong way in the front row whenever they write essays

Dreams/Nightmares: doesn’t dream usually - when he does, it’s usually flashes of color and abstract black and white shapes

Quirks: can’t sit on the fucking couch correctly

Understands: how people think, the reason they fail, mistakes

Can't understand: quidditch, values, structure

Closet Hobby: burning shit(though that isn’t really a hidden thing with him)

_________

Strengths: charismatic, diplomatic, quick-witted, inwardly caring, able to understand his flaws, patient, logical, able to read other people

Flaws: lies often, manipulative, lazy, lenient, passive, harsh, inconsiderate, enjoys pushing people’s buttons, doesn’t understand people

Perception of others: beautiful, incomprehensible, vast

Instincts: wants approval(deems it irrational)

Lures: leadership roles, secrets, problems

Soft Spot: innocence but not ignorant, optimism

________

Ability: capable if he puts his mind to it - employs unpredictable and risky techniques instead of having a fear of consequences

Weaknesses: stubborn opponents - he expects change and gets caught off guard when someone seems set in their ways

Patronus: non-corporeal

Boggart: fire(irony i guess is easy to use when you don’t have anything else)

Wand: spruce, phoenix feather, 12”, springy

Amortentia: lime, smoke, sharpies

House: Ravenclaw(that post about the kid wanting to be put in Ravenclaw since ppl will trust you but got in Slytherin)

_____

Favorite Color(s): grey, blue

Favorite Animal(s): swedish short snout

Favorite Drink(s): coffee and soda(probably together because he can’t function like a normal person)

Favorite Genre: mystery or myths

Favorite Subject(s): charms(Flitwick is the man) and divination(where you can bs your way through anything)

Least Favorite Color(s): black, white

Least Favorite Animal(s): flies

Least Favorite Drink(s): does soup count? Because he does drink it in a cup

Least Favorite Genre: manuals and biographies

Least Favorite Subject(s): flying(impulsive idiot) and care of magical creatures(he’s a screw up around animals)

________

Languages: english and he taught himself some Latin

Voice: average in tone, a bit nasally, rather forgettable except for the speed

Greetings and Farewells: doesn’t

Ask your character "how are you": yes.

Character tries to compliment: you have eyes, your name is ___

Tries to insult: passive-aggressively drags a person

Expletive: damn(dam)(loopholes, my friends)

Laughter: snorting, definitely not normal

Tagline: ___, yeah?

________

Reputation: other than the whole ‘brother’ problem, is relatively well-liked

First Impressions: charming, confident guy

Stranger Impressions: a bit loud but not strange

Friendly Impressions: goddamnit Mark, shut up

Enemy Impressions: please keep talking so we’re allowed to punch you in the face

Familiar Impressions: ah yes, the hair pops up from time to time

Compliments from others: bright, energetic, optimistic, honest

Insults: dangerous, unstable, chaotic

Self-Impression: am shit

_________

Compare to: forest fire(destructive and necessary for change)

Symbols: flames, ashes, duality

[noquirk-a]

ok anyway as i mentioned ... heres me talkin about deck’s relationships with other muses/charas bc im one big dickhead who never shuts up XD

   i’ll ... talk abt the most obvious one first. katsuki. specifically turtle’s katsuki bc i believe his is what i’ve talked with the most. it’s clear and obvious that deck despises him to the point he has a death wish against him, and most likely an EXTREMELY unhealthy obsession with him. but like, the obsession to do anything to put him down ... not even put him down like ‘ kill him ‘ but. at least crush his dreams. if anything, deck would rather cut off his hands or make him lose his quirk entirely just so he could feel what was it like to be it’s shoes. he wants ... to be above him. he wants him to experience karma and feel what he’s done to him. that’s a pretty common trope, i know, but considering what he’s ... done to him that’s all he actually wants. be it in a verse that he’s the hero or the villain, he doesn’t care. he’s going to find a way to fuck him up so bad that’ll have him end up underneath his foot as he crushes his hands with his foot, grinning like the damn cheshire cat, laughing softly as he goes ‘ who’s powerless now, kacchan? ‘

    even if ... katsuki would like. want deck to go back to heroism bc it feels so fucking wrong to have someone so determined to become a hero suddenly change his point of view. deck was literally one who would NEVER give up on his dreams and then suddenly he just. fell down. would he come to his senses and realize this? nah. if anything, he belives that he’s in the right mindset of having a perspective that it was society that was wrong. ( and ok, not being biased but somehow it is wrong 4 them to discriminate the quirkless like that. ) or maybe it’s just his pettiness not wanting to be in a side where he is right now. he’s no longer going to tolerate all the bullshit he’s thrown onto him, even if he asks penitence for that.

   another one is all might or toshinori. this is honestly where he ( all might ) has the biggest disadvantage and will realize he’s done the most foolish mistake. that being both underestimating deku and telling him the wrong mindset at first, AND telling him his weakness. deck, entering the league and getting in touch with afo, would definitely ask for like ... a stronger noumo similar to shi/garaki’s and fight him himself. i mean, not his bare hands ofc, but like through manipulating the noumo. the thing is he KNOWS his ultimate weakness and would often approach that. and at his exact downfall he’d be the one smiling, asking him if he remembers him, and like.. the ‘ i told you so ‘ or w/e attitude that shows that he was wrong on telling him that he couldn’t be a hero. he was strong as a villain ... so what more of him becoming an actual hero? he completely wasted it and crushed that dream of his. his confidence / hope is a deck of cards and his words are but a mere blow and he just. wants him to feel that that was one of his biggest mistakes tbh.

    herE’S ONE THAT IM SOOOOOOOOOOOO in love with bc it gives him a speck of humanity / little hope .. uraraka. there’s a seperate post for her find it in the tags but she... she’s literally the only star in deck’s empty night sky. almost. kind of. she’s supposed to be a hero and she IS a hero but the difference is she saw him as an equal at first and that’s something .. deck’s really thankful for. it’s plotted that she does a lot just to make him turn back / ‘ SAVE ‘ him to the point she could like .. die and still hope for him. that literally just puts him in a plethora of twist and turn of emotions bc like .. it’s. so. so fucking foreign to him, everything she’s doing. i can put this in a longer post but im JKSLFMSKJLFSKJFLM to him, she’s his hero for making him realize this. he may not give in that quickly or w/e, but she makes him realize something.

   then there’s ... deku. like, canon deku, not deck, bc like tbh i always llive for crossover universes / canon meeting au. it’s fascinating to me. anyway deck sees himself as like ... the BETTER version 4 some reason bc he sees it that he’s not ‘’blind’’ to society’s truth. he sees deku as someone who just ... gave in to that lie.i mean even in his verse where he DOES achieve all might’s quirk he realizes soon enough that this was all wrong ... why couldn’t he become a hero without a quirk? he sees him as like .. literally believing and accepting the fact that you should have a quirk before becoming a hero and tbh? he hates him for that, and envies him so much at the same time bc as most people say, ignorance is bliss, and he wishes he could’ve went through the same thing and be ignorant, too. but nah. he had to be the one ( or at least in his pov ) with ‘’eyes open’’ to how cruel / ugly society is. 

   ok then ... tooru aka @/vanishedstar. call it a coping thing or w/e but he projects himself to tooru bc they have similar background stories, difference is tooru was BORN with a quirk but taken from him and he’s full of love, whilst deck was born without and is just ... full of anger and wrath. he, like most people, sees him as nothing else but a stepping stone. bc like he can’t accomplish EVERYTHING alone, like alone in the literal sense so ofc he gets people as ‘ puppeteers ‘ them to follow his plan just so he could achieve his goal. since he’s already quirkless like him he trains him and teaches him how to fight physically and tells him w/e he knows. basically he molds him into someone like him, but like, the weaker version, bc he doesn’t want someone to outsmart him or run higher than him. think like ... a little student. or a little brother that he teaches idk XDD he’s always another proof / verification to his belief that people look on quirks, not the actual person. the fact that most ppl left him after he’s gone quirkless just seconds it tbh.

    ahmya. ... aka @/eyepsyche. this relationship is INCREDIBLY toxic and pure stockholm not going to lie. her quirk is EXTREMELY useful to him bc she can gather a lot of info and see a lot of things abt a person, and though deck can do that himself, she can gather so much more info for him and that just adds up to his knowledge. useful, right? she’s reluctant sometimes or at least at first, but deck REFUSES to let her go. and it’s not because he ... loves her or anything. he does’t have any feelings for her he just finds her very, very useful. think like an expensive knife or w/e that you’re not willing to lose. that expensive tech pen you keep in your case that other ppl might not see as much. ahmya, prior to meeting deck, was just a regular girl w/ no ‘purpose’ and deck gives her that .... the purpose being a huge stepping stone so he can accomplish what he must ^_^ SMSLGLS it’s incredibly disgusting of him tbh but he’s that desperate to finish what he wants to anyway and he has little to no care about others so what gives, right? he treats her like a pet, gives her constant validation that’s fake just so she could depend on him and all that. it’s pure ... nasty.but that honestly just shows his true nature of being a manipulative, toxic, selfish bastard.

   then there’s nooni aka @/creepquirk! much like ahmya and tooru, deck first saw nooni as the same thing : a pawn. a stepping stone. a little doll in his play that’ll help him reach what he wants. but there was just something about nooni that just ... opened somthing in him tbh. bc nooni was like, similar to deck in some ways, wanting to be a hero but society pushing you away. he stripped her off of that dream while she could still live it and dragged her to his own hell. but the thing was, somehow in the league, nooni ... still had that bit of hope of becoming a hero despite everything and tbh?? tbh?????????????? deck .. adores that. ofc he doesn’t show it on the outside bc hes a XDD tsundere bitch. no im kidding deck isn’t one to like be vulnerable or w/e but nooni was just so different to him bc she handles everything way better than him and this and that that just made him care deeply about her...n honestly? he regrets pulling/dragging her down and sometimes wish she couldve lived her dream instead and become that part he wish he could’ve become, but he finds himself unable to turn back despite being knee deep into everything while she still has a chance. tbh i cant put it all into words bc not even deck could, he’s that much of a mess that sometimes i can’t even decipher him bc he’s a complex chara tbh, but basically he just sees her as some kind of inspiration.

   then theres XDD villain todo who’s dead but idc i love their relationship. tbh they’re your typical little shits in love but like it’s not shown. todo and deck are similar in the way that they’re both wanting to get revenge on a particular someone ( his dad and for him katsu/all might ) so he can.. emphasize with him on that. maybe sometimes he even uses him bc lbr, todo is EXTREMELY powerful and clever for his age, but ofc that’s a hassle bc like i said, he’s intelligent, but not enough to the point he has to look down on deck due to being quirkless. he does at first but realizes he’s an excellent strageist so XDDDDDDDDD ok but anyway 2 the gay stuff bc todo is the most confusing person 2 deck ... he acts so kind to him and w/ the aforementioned 2 ura’s, kindness is so fucking foreign to him. maybe not his mom’s, but towards others he ... doesnt know how to handle it???????????????? and sometimes its just so soft and comforting that when it’s given to him he cant help but be addicted??????????????? is it love?? maybe?? maybe not????? love or is this just me desperately wanting affection from someone else?????????????????????? hm! who knwos ^_^ their rs is complicataed n? same.

    ok ( wheeze ) last one ... is mo. mortimer...morty.........or @/noricks........ maybe it’s bc they belong in different universes but like what rick wrote deck just ... sees himself as him. like they’re almost so painfully similar in terms of EVERYTHING except for some few parts. YA their backstories are different but it just ... leads them to the person who ends up sitting on the throne and acting like a god bc ‘’’ God was cruel to them ‘’’ . i went 2 recollection once and the speaker once said if you hate someone, it’s probably bc they remind you of yourself n i think? that just explains why he’ so aggressive towards him sometimes JSMGJS TMHSIMGHSLGKMSKLGM he . hates himself actually. deck i mean. he doesn’t .. he isn’t outwardly proud of what he’s become n bc mo reminds him of THAT it just irks him tbh. but at the same time he respects him bc???????????????? seriously who accomplishes all of this at the age of 14. he’s one of the or maybe the only person he actually respects other than all of the ppl he actually knows now. 

   i might edit this i jus wanna eat Fuck.

[wanna-17]

lee daehwi first meeting! AU

summary: in which you are somi’s best friend and you find out that she has a hidden twin brother who you are a fan of 

length: 1.3k

a/n: HIHI so i decided to start a new series which is gonna be a sweet and short one called first meeting! AU with the wanna one members. since it’s really only going to cover your first meeting with the particular member, it’s up to you whether you want to interpret it as romantically or platonic friendship, maybe if the context suits and i get enough requests i could do a part 2 for some in the future? we’ll see but i will be prioritising getting each member done first. but anyways i hope you guys enjoy this first one of my precious baby lee daehwi and look forward to the rest of the members :) 

so you’re in high school 

and ever since high school started you became best friends with a girl called somi 

you guys had different personalities, you were more on the shy side and she was more outgoing 

but somehow you guys clicked and found that you guys had a lot of things to talk about and common interests 

also during this time produce 101 is airing and you’re absolutely addicted to the show 

and lee daehwi, the first centre literally swooped you off your feet 

he was no doubt your bias and you’d been voting for him like crazy everyday 

and ofc since somi was your best friend you’d always rant about how cute and talented lee daehwi was and somi would just sigh and roll her eyes sometimes 

well one day at school your class is given a project to be completed in pairs and obviously you and somi are a pair 

usually you two would complete your work at the library but since the weather was really horrible 

you guys decided to head to your place over the weekend 

and you guys do that except you dont get the work done 

so you guys decide to go to somi’s place sometime after school next week to finish it 

and tbh you’ve been very curious about where somi lives

even though you guys are best friends you guys always met either in public or at your place

you were just super curious as to what her house was like and why she was lowkey secretive about where she lived

hMMMMMM

so the day before going to somi’s place

you guys are having lunch at school and somi is suddenly like: “oh y/n when you come tomorrow, my twin brother will most likely be home visiting” 

and u r like

“WAIT HANG ON A SECNOD U HAVE A TWIN BROTHER?? SINCE WHEN???” you semi yell when you stand up from your seat 

you are surprised and shocked bc ur friend has a twin brother and she never told you 

“ssHHHHH be quiet” says somi gesturing you to sit back down 

and so you do and say

“how come you didnt tell me somi?” while pouting 

“well…i guess you never asked whether i had siblings or not” replies somi nervously 

“hmm yeah fair enough, well what its like having a twin brother? what’s he like” you ask excitedly

you’d  never met anyone that had a twin before and u suddenly find out that your best friend in fact has a twin brother which makes you feel kinda weird and excited 

“it’s alright, we’re just like any other sibling pair, he can be slightly annoying sometimes but he’s a good brother overall. i miss him” replies somi looking down 

“ohhhhh where is he? does he go to high school here?” you asked wondering if somi’s twin was actually at your school and completely hidden from u 

“no he doesn’t”

“where does he go then? and what’s his name? what does he look like?” you asked bombarding somi with questions as you were super curious now

since somi was one of the prettiest girls in the school you were lowkey thinking maybe somi’s twin is really hot HAHA

“i actually can’t say his name but he’s really ugly” says somi laughing

“why not????” you ask somi, “is he a spy or something?? with a hidden identity???” 

somi shook her head laughing at you as you continued to pester her about her twin 

“you’ll see tomorrow when you come over” says somi “i think things might change when you see who it is” as she sighs

now you were C U R I O U S as to why somi kept it so secret 

and for some odd reason, who somi’s twin brother was was all you thought about for the rest of the day 

your thoughts went wild as you thought, what if he’s actually a spy? or illegal? a criminal? someone dangerous? what if he’s the youngest ceo in our country?

and for some seriously odd reason you were excited to meet somi’s twin brother 

the next day you head to somi’s house with the address typed in google maps 

you rang the doorbell and somi opened the door

as you stepped in you saw how the house wasn’t too big nor was it too small it was quite spacious and clean and very cozy 

you saw some baby pictures placed up on a shelf of somi and her twin; you recognised somi easily and the twin brother was really cute too 

you guys take a seat on the big couch and start working on the project when suddenly you hear footsteps come down the stairs 

you were super focused on your work tbh so you didn’t look up 

until a voice says 

“hey sis is this your friend that always talks about me?” 

and the voice is SO FAMILIAR 

and you’re suddenly afraid to look up 

you do recognise that voice but no way it just couldn’t be 

silence 

“yep it is” says somi, “look at the state she is in now” 

your entire body was frozen and wouldn’t react and you were looking at the ground

“she’s so cute like that” says the voice

you feel your cheeks go bright red and your heart suddenly beating extraordinarily fast 

you close your eyes and tell yourself you are dreaming 

you take a deep breath and look up 

and you are met with a pair of the most gorgeous eyes you have ever seen; one eye was monolid and the other was double lidded but honestly that was what was attractive about him 

it was truly lee daehwi lmao sorry i made it so so dramatic haha

he was smiling down at your with the sweetest and cutest smile 

“hello y/n! it’s nice to finally meet you!” says daehwi cheerfully 

“u-h-h hello– daehwi-ssi” you stutter nervously as you die internally 

daehwi laughed and his laughter was like a beautiful melody

“no need to be formal y/n, we’re the same age! you don’t look great right now, i’ll grab a glass of water for you” says daehwi as he heads to the kitchen 

when he’s gone you turn to somi straight away 

“DUDE WHY DIDNT U TELL ME DAEHWI WAS UR BROTHER?? i wouldn’t have fangirled over him to you and its sooooo embarrassing” 

“chill y/n it was actually pretty funny, you totally have a crush on my twin, look at ur face” says somi laughing 

“sTOP omg this is all ur fault im so embarrassed, i embarrassed myself in front of my bias” you say as your bury your face in your hands

“seriously y/n this is your chance to talk to him and i don’t usually say this about that idiot but he’s actually a very nice guy, so don’t be nervous anymore” 

you take deep breaths and try to collect yourself before daehwi comes back 

when he does you’re much calmer even though you still feel like you are living in a dream 

“here’s your water” says daehwi as he hands over the glass of water

both your finger trips lightly made contact and you felt your heart racing again 

“thanks daehwi” you say giving him a shy smile 

he asks what the project is about and starts helping you guys and in no time you guys are done 

and daehwi is super friendly and outgoing so in no time you get really comfortable around him

and realise that HES JUST A REALLY NICE AND KIND HUMAN like any human and not some “far unreachable star that’s like a god” 

you find out he has cute habits and loves cleaning and fashion and wants to make people happier through his music

you guys talk for the next two hours getting to know each other and you tell him that you’ll continue to support him on produce 101 and he’s super thankful 

at this rate somi had literally fallen asleep and is taking a nap on the sofa 

he opens up about how it’s hard to meet people’s expectations and that he doesn’t want to disappoint others and you guys have really deep conversations 

and in no time it’s already dark outside 

and daehwi even offers to walk you to the bus stop 

and he puts on a black hoodie with the hood up just in case ppl recognise him anyone watching school 2017 bc i love x’s outfit hehe

you guys reach the bus stop

“y/n it was nice meeting you and i was able to get my mind off things thanks to you” 

“no worries daehwi, i’m so glad to have met you and you’re just as wonderful and kind as i’d imagined you to be” you reply cringing at your own cheesiness

daehwi laughs again as he ruffles your hair “you’re so kind too” 

“anyways y/n will you do me a favour and not tell anyone that i am somi’s twin? i dont want things to get hard for her if people know about our sibling relationship” 

you swoon, he was even so nice to his sister 

you nod “of course”

the bus comes and you guys wave goodbye 

you couldn’t believe that you met daehwi and got so close to him 

he was so nice and down to earth 

you lowkey wondered if you’d ever be able to see him again since he was already famous and busy with filming 

you convinced yourself that he was probably this nice to everyone and you were really lucky because you were his sister’s best friend 

suddenly your phone buzzed and you received a message from an unknown number 

“hello y/n, it’s daehwi - i got your number from somi. that’s okay right? next week i’ll be back in town again, so do you wanna hang out? just the two of us this time ;)”

efgqkejfhfjhjf i hope you guys liked this?? i have no idea what the response is gonna be like and lmao i made somi and daehwi twins bc they could totally be siblings :) i realised i probably rant too much lmaooo so let me know what you guys think as i’m always open to feedback and thoughts about my work :) please also look forward to my next one in this series! 

[yourflygirlslittlegenital]

Transgender Day of Remembrance - Some thoughts

Well, some years ago I organised a Tdor demonstration in Berlin, Brandenburger Tor, legally, with fuckin cop protection (what an irony) and today it is also time to remember some things which are always coming between us activists.

If I want to talk about my discrimination experiences, it is always hard to find a language. I know which words are wrong and I also know which definitions are bad and wrong. This is a result of my discrimination experiences. And I want to use this.

So I don´t use the words “trans” and “cis” and “inter” anymore. My experience is that people assosiate the “right” things with them, the things that the media tells them - mentally disturbed ugly men who want to become women by starting to cloth and style different, strange gay people in coloured bad choosen outfits dancing with unicorns in worn out hillybilly 80s discotheques. Sometimes even I am associate this. You know, all this is not my style. It´s not my life nor what I want to become. I fley the “lgbtiq*” community because I made just worse and worse experiences there. Exploitations (of the discrimination and “outsider” experiences and “identity”), exclusions, foreign determination and other forms of hierarchies and disrespect seemed common there, the music was shite and boring and the “artists” mostly untalented, uninspiring and really bad in what they did.

I never enjoyed these “queer parties” doesn´t matter if it were these typical “homo parties” with terrible 80s sound and German pop folk music or these black leather and whip parties where half of the crowd was having these exaggerated kajal & mascare “designs” while praying for some catholic punishment and ketamine in front of some always the same sounding heavy dark electro/dark techno that was yet banned out of the real club discos for several years nor these “lalalala i am a sweet pink riotgrrrl with a guitar” singsangsong concerts with always the same riffs, paroles and attitudes. “We” weren´t really accepted there ... hell no. Worst were these hippsterish feminist parties where half of the crowd was wearing these boring “don´t beat me” glasses which I am calling “career glasses” where you have to discuss anything about what you “may” do and what not including to define yourself while boring nasal voiced radio music is played in the background and no action is allowed because this is attended to be “unqueer” and therefor ... sexistic and patriarchal.

Anyhow, my taste in music and style was always (made) a problem in these scenes and to different to them and their collective taste in these seemed always to be the evidence of a crime. So I quit these scenes. And their language.

Also my experience is that feminists never really show distance from “cuntists” which disguise themselves as “(terf-) feminists” just to exclude and mock other women for this or that physical attribute, a very sick and ugly form of repeating mistakes you suffered from yourself before. These cuntists, as also the big and never really overcome reference to the cunt as the “core of all feminine” in feminism passed finally to bring me far away from this little sweet pseudoposition called feminism. And I think its more a form of a mask/identity nowadays than a real position. Because most things regarding stereotype genders are nowadays so clear that no one needs to build an ideology or position around it. Sure, this is also a result of the painful process of mass mind assignment and the bourgeoise education technics, but sorry, I can´t take anyone playing the fulltime macho/machista OR feminist serious. Both positions are quite too exaggerated, dumb and unhuman because so many evil shit has taken place in the last time in the name of feminism (also, especially against wrong assigned, inter and trans and other disadvantaged ppl.) while beeing/acting as a macho / machista is a selfevident thing to be wrong, stupid and to avoid for thousands of reasons.

So I am doing my activism just with a bunch of friends who have the same or similar claims, ideas and fights - we are all aware of the fact that the word “trans” f.e. is not only poisoned by the media and nothing to take or even be proud of - it is yet wrong and derrogative in its meaning.

Take the chemistry of old greek language - if two things are “cis”, it means they are on the same side while “trans” means in f.e. a molecule that the second thing is “on the other side”. There is also ortho (next side), para (two sides away) and so on. But only cis means “both together”. Yet this shows how stupid it is to repeat calling yourself (a) “trans” / “transgender” / “transsexual” while not having any serious problem with the shape of your body. Accepting the word “trans” means accepting the ideology of the “right” and the “wrong” body and therefor the theory that you and you body (in general) would be a problem that has to be treaten as a problem. Fuck that.

This is f.e. one thing why I am not connecting really with most other activists anymore. Another is that many/most are believing in strange and often stupid things like that society would just reject them and their existance and human rights for beeing mistaken while ignoring the psychodynamics of power.

I am also fed up with activists who believe in a peaceful revolution for their rights and acceptance - as if Stonewall Riot and all the other important and necessary processes would ever have happened just in a painless and peaceful way - Come back to reality and fight with us, pls!!

Another thing is that we live in a state of permanent oppression, including violence, stigmatisation and taking away our life quality with that. You can hide from seeing this, but anyhow - I don´t want to lie about that any longer.

The media is a bullshit - this is why I don´t read newspapers anymore. All the propaganda and stigmatising articles about the “strange beings who change their gender and where born as a man” and so on, you find em everywhere and in every of these shitpapers, so I will run or find my own press or die without knowing perfectly what is going on. This culture is not my culture, it is cutting away my experience, it is cutting away my life, my style, my knowledge, my ideas and my sexuality - while sexualising me and my sisters in a stupid, ugly and unsuppotably exploitative manner.

I say fuck you to a culture, society that is defining itself as an integrative, democratic dialogue culture while it is in reality a fucked up senseless powerplay and projection of some bunch of poison-filled, stressed and greed controlled human shit disguised in either sexy dresses or boring suits told to be sexy and/or neutral. I am not a part of this and I will never be.

Every nation that has laws which force me to be described as “male” in official documents for being born with a penis can suck my dixk and suffocate. So I don´t want to be part of any state, group or collective that is going with the actual madness of genitalistic assignments - I want to fight for having a place without gender assignments - not at birth nor ever! No fucking laws no fucking “she was born as a man” articles, slander and wikipedia mockings! I am fighting for a place with clean without all walls and media full of this privilegued repressive hatespeech propaganda.

This fight is not a fight for human rights, a bit of respect or beeing heard - I want to fight for having my own territory free of cops, genitalistic media, ugly fetishistic chasers and doctors who shall tell me who to be and what to do and how to hate my body by law and claiming that reproduction is the essential thing in life while justifying laws which demand the permanent castration or other forms of mutilation of my body just to be accepted as a woman. I want to kill all people who are and were involved in this. And never again live in a society that justifies them and their work while telling anyone in the media they would be “experts” about what and who I am while I would be a “transperson”. No. Fuck yea.

Still looking for people having the same in mind. And in their guts. Sorry, you peaceful feminist and queer community embracing activists... but your “riot” is not mine.

I am just still living for revenge. And for a change. Not a repeat of the same walls, prejudices and clichees under the sign of “diversity” “rainbow something” or collective “lgbtiq harmony”. I am just a woman. Not LGFUILHSDLUKADZBKub and not even proud to be a woman. My rainbow -flag is a burning authority with a choped down head -flag, my diversity is the diversity of anyone. Not I am special - everyone is. So I refuse to be categorised as “a little bit different”. Fuck that. Don´t make me a stupid fool. All these representations of “queer” and all the other mainstream “deviant sexuality” bullshit just makes me vomit. I want to break down the walls - not to tighten them.

Also I want to tell my pain and fight to anywhere and not just to find it in a “rainbow corner” of some special nice magazine or in a “safe space”, so I don´t exclude from the mass and the people who don´t want to listen. It is a political,. necessary and social thing, just as the election of any government, the Arab Spring or the next 20 Mio trade of the Coca Cola Company is. And I have the impression that many other activists see this different. These are some reasons why I stopped to interact in ordinary activism. I know that I am not alone with that. But mostly no one is talking about it.

Today I dared to. My last suicide attempt is 8 years ago. I almost passed to die. And wake up in a hospital 3 days later. Especially the sexual herrassment and abuse of the psychotherapists I was forced to communicate with regulary just to be able to juristically change my legal name took away the most power I needed to survive in a world full of genitalistic hate, prejudice and normative propaganda of a culture that is defining itself by excluding, killing and ignoring us and our ancient sisters and brothers and their knowledge, language and experiences. Will they also iradicate us and our words and images? Like our ancestors?

This is what and why I am fighting. At the moment it still seems to be a real small minority within a small minority fight. But I don´t give up now anymore. Read more about our small activist group in

http://antigenitalistischeoffensive2013.tumblr.com/post/64452337251/about-genitalism-and-our-mission

&

https://stopgenitalism.tumblr.com

[szopenhauer]

have you got any brothers or sisters who annoy you? my sister annoys me indeed

as a younger teenager, did you have any older guys/girls hit on you? as a teenager nobody hit on me

would you ever want to be changed into a vampire? doubt it, the only thing that would truly interest me about it is immortality which isn’t actually living forever as even sun can kill you and knowing my luck that would happen fast 

does the thought of dying give you cold chills? kinda how many times has someone called you boring, if ever? several times because I don’t travel, I don’t party, I don’t like sports and out of some other reasons has anyone ever told you that you had “so many” months to live? not exactly as a teen, were you trusted to be alone with a boyfriend/girlfriend? as a teen I had no real bf/gf do your parents both have a job? my mom’s retired already are you currently unemployed? if not, what’s your job? I am where do you belong? nowhere?... were you anyone’s first kiss? I was what is the color of your cellular telephone? black what color are your gloves/mittens? I have few pairs when was the last time you listened to the radio; and do you remember which song was the last you heard on there? not counting online radio that I still rarely listen to (usually just during Christmas time, that special playlist on rmf) - years and I don’t remember the last song because I didn’t think it will be the last one and that just made me sad do you think English the hardest language to learn? noooo do you clean under your nails with safety pins? I use toothpicks how long after your shower do you walk around naked, or in your towel, until you decide to get dressed? I get dressed right away  does it bother you that so many people start going out like a week or two before valentine’s day, as if it’s just because they don’t want to be alone? that’s really lame, I’m sorry for them what do(es) you(r mom) grow in your garden? lots of stuff what do you think of facial piercings? meh, some are ugly, some are ok did your shoe laces come with your shoes? yeah but they still have zippers as I wouldn’t bother to own shoes with just laces do you have any cds you bought at the concert?. never bought a CD at the concert what does your second oldest sibling do for a living? I have only one sibling and what she does is not your business (pun intended) are there any beanie babies with your birthday? Beanie Boos   Carrots - rabbit - style 36031   Julep - monkey - style 36056   Pashun - dog - style 36206 Beanie Babies   Bunga Raya - bear - style 4615 - (birth year 2002)   Dewi Y Ddraig - dragon - style 46157 - (birth year 2010)   D'Vine - monkey - style 40767 - (birth year 2008)   Flower - meerkat - style 46155 - (birth year 2010)   Niles - camel - style 4284 -(birth year 2000)   Peace - bear - style 4053 - (birth year 1996)   Peepers - bushbaby - style 40795 - (birth year 2009)   TOUR Teddy - bear - style 40347 - (birth year 2006) Teenie Beanie Boppers   Terrific Tessa - style 0334 Boppers   Lovely Lily - style 0223

what color is your cat? it was all black with yellow eyes

do you own any buddha? nooo, why would I  do you know what color hazel really is? .. my eyes? XD what color is your toaster? don’t own one what color is your webcam? white but I don’t use it as I have no mic, I tried to buy one but they never work so I prefer to use my cellphone as a cam instead do you have anything real gold? I think I still own that one tiny item (necklace with the letter Z) and if I do I will probably sell it

Do you own any adult colouring books?  those gimme anxiety  When was the last time you got some new headphones? mine are about 5 years old

Do you know anyone whose name starts with the letter X? I don’t :o

Name a food that you dislike the texture of. pears 

Describe the cover illustration of the book closest to you. it has the Stranger things villain on it behind the room with no. 11

Do you wear a mask when you go to the store? of course, if you don’t - I hate you!

Are you expecting a package right now? am not

What is one thing you hate about summer? mosquitos for an example

Did you go outside today? just our garden

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis from a doctor? yup

Do you have a book that you’ve read multiple times? I never reread books

Do you enjoy babysitting? ugh...

What was your favorite book you had to read for school? I used to like Cierpienia młodego Wertera - that was stupid of me

Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? in pre-school 

What’s one childhood dream that has stuck with you? my own apartment

Would you want to re-live your childhood over again if you could? I believe

Which do you like more: being an adult or being a kid? being a kid 

Did your parents smoke or drink when you were growing up? nope

Do you enjoy bonfires? they were fine

Have you ever ridden in an ambulence? couple of times

Do you know anyone who used to be loving, but then turned cold?  that would be me...

What color are your bedroom walls? green and yellow

Is there an old friend that you miss and would like to reconnect with? I tried...

Have you been bullied? all of my school years basically

Which talent show, if any, would you most like to audition for?  I have no talent

Do you feel like time goes by fast, or slow? both slow and fast

Who do you know who has died of cancer? my aunt that I didn’t really know

Have you ever stayed overnight in a hospital, and if so, what for? couple of times, once even almost entire month, long story (stories actually)

Have you ever been so angry you wanted to sue someone? hahaha

Have you ever been a victim of racism? I’m white so not really

Did you go to prom? nah

Are you an aunt or uncle? yep

Do you feel like you are currently in a state of suffering? and that not all of your basic needs are being met? If so, how long have you been in a state of suffering? I’ve always been and it only got worse

Life isn’t fair. True or false? it seems

Name a few people who seem to have everything handed to them. born rich

Do you pray less or more than you did 5 years ago? more

Do you pray a lot? not enough

Have you ever used an epi pen? hope I won’t have to

What was the name of the biggest bully in your high school? HS didn’t have big bullies but for me that was A.L.

How many kids do you want to have? 0

Do you want to get married? hmm...

Best date you’ve been on? dunno

Dream date? *shrug*

Ever kissed someone on New Year’s? never

Have you ever been in so much pain you prayed that you would die? other kind of suffering

Who always tries to stop you whenever you try to go after your dreams? life/world so God I guess 

are you in love with llamas? they’re cool

do you like hats? beanies and those winter ones in animal shapes 

have you ever had surgery? not yet

do you have an enemy? some I call this way

do you want to save the trees? yes

what size shoe do you wear? 38-39

do you cook? I do not

do you like taking pictures? at times

pink flamingos? cute for the garden :3

do you like spiders? I don’t mind them

do you own an mp3 player? but I don’t use it anymore, not even sure if it still works

why are you hitting yourself? self harm

what’s your mom’s name? personal

what about your dad? same

have you ever won anything? yep

is revenge sweet? in movies might be and sometimes I laugh when ppl get what they deserve, sorry not sorry?

have you ever had someone lie for you so you wouldn’t get in trouble? sort of

who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob

do you like night or day better? night

do you like finding nemo? nooo

plaid or polka dots? why not stripes?

have you ever done yoga? a bit

what posters do you have on your wall? no posters

do you wear dresses a lot? noooo

how many school dances have you been to? all of them besides prom

can you swim? can’t

don’t you just want to mass murder all barbie dolls? why? :o

who was the last person you were under a blanket with? my gf

name something great that happened today? for example - Choices chapters were great

who was the last person’s voice you heard? mom’s

did you speak to your mother today? of course

what color is your hair? naturally dark brown

when was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? online or irl?

how did you wake up this morning? by myself

how many letters are in your last name? 11

do you still talk to the last person you kissed? in general because at this very moment she’s asleep

do you believe that everything happens for a reason? not everything

do you ever pretend to text/talk on the phone when you’re in public? yeah  have you ever had spinach? if not, would you ever want to? I ate it before don’t you hate when the wires pop out of your bra and poke you all day? my bra has no wires am i the only one who likes to go grocery shopping? you’re not alone

is anything wrong with your eyes? possibly do you ever write notes on your hand? used to last time you cried? why? I was moved by the game on my cellphone

when is the last time you were in a swimming pool? in middle school have you ever fallen backwards on a chair? I don’t recall what do you feel like watching? nothing atm do you ever try to write with your non-dominant hand? with feet too who makes you laugh the most? my gf and my dad who starred in your last dream? besides me - no one that I know  do you regret doing something today? maybe do you think you’re old? I’m not but I often feel like I am  are you afraid of the dark? at home only - especially mirrors and windows in the dark are scary

sometimes, do you wish you were someone else? not a particular person have you ever told anyone you were ok when you really weren’t? it’s bad but I did that before do you talk a lot? do I?

which member of your family are you closest to? dad

would you ever apply to be on reality tv?  doubt it do you have a hard time letting things go? I guess have you ever struggled with your weight? slightly when you are out with your friends are you loud and outgoing or shy and reserved? depends  do you like to stay in your pajamas all day long? whatever in high school did you have a lot of friends? do you still keep in touch? group and not really at what age did you get your period? 13? fuzzy socks: yay or nay? yay

When was the last time you held a puppy? years ago

Was the person that last slept over at your house a boy or girl? girl Who’s name first comes to mind that starts with the letter “P”? Paulina and Patrycja

Do you have any kind of jewelry on at the moment? not at the moment Would you say you use “lol” too often? get used to this!

When was the last time you vacuumed a room? I mop the floor 

You can only shop at one store for the rest of your life, what store is it? but food? :o

Have you ever donated to a cause? yup

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

11/3/17

I need to start blogging again, so much happening in my life I need to write down. Halloween, the band loco tranquilo performed and I met all the members basically, and the hot guitarist really digged me and offered to walk me home, but i said no to going home with art bc i wanted to wake up early for class, but this guy was really pushing my boundaries and basically broke down all the walls i put up. and it taught me to strengthen and follow my boundaries, if I want to or dont want to do something, its easy to speak it, but i have to DO IT. I let him push them, although i tried very hard to get my way, he ended up getting his way. But on thursday it was dia de los meurtos and i walked around garfield park by my self and felt very sensitive, i carried carlos guitar pick i made a necklace from and journeyed everywhere with him, then I went to fire ceremony which was very powerful.. I had his pick in my hand and our baby picture and at first i was having an expectation for this experience to be powerful because its supposedly the most delicate day for the dead’s realm to intervene with the living, so i wanted to sit down and spend time with my brother... even tho Craig (the drummer from loco tranquilo ) invited me to this show thing and i got ready for it and everything, but i really wanted this sacred time. and when i was meditating i realized i need to have no expectations and to just meditate and feel . and i did, and it was magical.. i felt like carlo was hugging me.. i felt some weight.. some existence on my chest.. like i was being hugged, and it was in tune with my breathing..  but so magical.. i shedded a tear.. and i had the necklace with his pick wrapped around my left ring finger bc i remember reading that there is a vain where the heart connects there.. and i felt him in my heart.. it was amazing.. and a memory of when we were both getting washed by mama bc we both had lice haha.. such a fun memory ,,but i didnt even realize yesterday was day of the dead until the day was almost over.. but it all made sense.. the night before i was really down missing him and feeling him.. and i was cleaning temple for like 1 hour and vacuumed for like 20-30 minutes bc i was just so into it.. karma yoga has really helped me.. i just thought about him and grieved very powerfully the past few days.. starring at the moon reminded me of him. anyways did kirtan anyways went to piano fight bar after dia de los meurtos anyways it was very young lots of people in there 20s and it was just a huge energetic crowd i didnt really feel like i fit in well possibly bc i dont know anyone but everyone was just so young and full of energy and i usually am around these older ppl but it was this guy kyles  bday and he had a a lot of guys play an acoustic set at the bar and then had a video premiere of his new song and it was beautiful it was so amazing so psychedelic and hippie like and it reminded me of my brother and just everything about it like the music and everything was so carlo and it made me wish curl was still alive bc everyone loved this kyle guy and he literally just reminds me of foxygen and everything this kyle guy is about and music videos and the scene and I'm just made carlo did this bc he has it all a beautiful family and not a problem in life but whatever like whatre u gonna do about it right but when i got back to the ashram thats when the learning experience came.. tarvo was outside and i was interrogating him like what're u doing outside so late and stuff and trying to walk back in and he asked if i still wanted to know what beauty is and he told me and he first asked why do i not think I'm beautiful and i said my hair and face and he said that doesn't matter, beauty is basically whats inside. he said a strong will in what i believe in and who i am is whats most beautiful. he said it comes naturally to me, I've lived with it all my life.. so its easy to ignore it and think of other things to think is not great.. he said just how ahead i am.. he likes me .. he likes our interactions.. I'm very disciplined and choose what i want in life and what i dont want and I'm good at making decisions.. thats what makes me beuaitufl he said.. and just how i am naturally.. like the things i say are so sexy.. like he said are u excited about this silent movie and i said yes I've been wanting to see something exotic lately and he said see there it is thats just so sexy to me and its just how i used the word exotic to describe a film and he said he likes my eyes bc it shows i am .. i forgot the word but its like caring about others and myself.. its a very caring word.. sincere ! and that they are sexy.. and he said a lot of experiencing things.. i said it was like i was talking to god.. he like knew why i had insecurities.. he said I'm so ahead of people my age.. i just got to pass all the heartache and pain that they will experience.. but its just such a little life I'm glad i can.. I am fucking great.. i like realize things and find things inspiring in him.. like this morning he had a book but it was a different book and its like damn this guy fucking reads a lot. like ALOT. thats probably why he has such  great vocabulary and good speaking skills. when i asked how does he have such great speaking skills he said he just feels everything and then verbalizes it.. he feels how everyone is feeling in the room then speaks.. like he said he’ll think of an orange and then sees how he feels having it around his space.. something very inspiring .. i think his purpose in my life is to inspire me , to teach me, to be  friend. bc although there is some attraction between us.. i am learning a lot from him and he is providing trmemdnous growth in my life.. I am fucking kick ass I'm only fucking 19 and he's 39 and he was saying we come from two different worlds but he likes me.. but after done talking i went in the kitchen a bit upset and confused bc its like well where do we stand i mean u said all these nice things to me and mentioned this woman of yours multiple times and its like hmm.. i spent almost two hours on karma yoga and its like well thats it..the lesson isn't in relationships.. its in the growth he is giving me.. his inspiration.. his insight.. all of it.. inspires and uplifts me.. same with jesse.. it is so hard for him to be in  my space bc i am so attracted to him.. but underneath it all.. i learn a lot from him. his vocabulary.. i want to understand him more too.. these men.. that i cant have.. they all teach me something... i guess thats why i am so attracted to them.. another thing tarvo pointed out is that wisdom never leaves.. and it is best to get it as early as i can and keep it.. and then i asked well what is wisdom and he pointed out there it goes again .. thats why he likes me .. and our interactions.. it was like a movie. two different people from two different worlds.. but our energies just click.. and our conversations are unique.. and i learn a lot.. he's out there smoking his cigarette and saying all these crazy things that only inspire me.. theres a lot more.. but in the end i am just inspired to be true to my self and do what i want in life. i want to major in music. i only have one life.. so dont waste it or my time.. who cares if i won't be some crazy performer.. ill teach it at the least.. but dammnit I'm studying something that interests me and everyone else can suck my ass. in fact. i am very intelligent. i dont want to waste time with men.. tarvo said the more i work and respect and love my self,, the better the men in m life will be.. basically the people who come into my life are kind of a reflection of me.. but damn it i do want to work on myself and be this bad ass chick. I AM A BAD ASS CHICK DAMN IT> and its inly getting better. i also thought about how i always think in the future like oh someday ill be a better speaker or oh someday ill make people feel this way about me but dammnit no its NOW. right now that is happening.. today this morning chris says he loves being in my energy.. its so laid back and honest and he said better things but i cant remember.. damn it why cant i remember .. oh I'm doing so much more for myself now.. I'm listening to my body.. I've been vegan for like a week now.. today and yesterday i kind of splurged on over eating bc i got my EBT card.. but I'm recognizing it and fixing it.. i am fucking smart. i am so in tuned and I'm writing down more how i feel about things.. Feel things.. today I've been in bed from like 3am to 6 pm and half of it was sleeping and i spent a few hours just being depressed.. thinking i have an ugly face bc of my acne and nasty hair.. i disliked it all...but i grabbed the guitar and started playing and eventually i played my feelings out.. and thought damn.. ya this is the shit i want to learn.. bc i felt it.. i felt my feelings in the vibrations.. i thought, instead of being in my head with these insecurities,, i will be creative and play music. and i fucking did. i played a shit ton of music and it sounded so fucking good. I'm the fucking best. i am sick.......!>>!!>!! i am so cool.. and when i closed my eyes i really got in tune with the vibration and the noise.. i am using my time wisely now.. i thought a few days ago why waste time with someone who is not in love with me when i can be in love with other things.. and guitar came to mind. instead of spending time with worthless men in my life.. i am learning in guitar. in fact i see myself as this ultimate bad ass who just is so tuned with herself and music that nothing else (problems) MATTER. i can totally see it. I'm getting there. I'm the fucking best man. but ya I'm sick. recognize more of how beautiful i am. last night during karma yoga i thought instead of thinking of what i am not.. think of what i AM awesome yoga bitch in san frnaicso on her own killing the fucking game I'm only 19 whats up I'm super sick