#a burden when you go around other ppl making messes and looking stupid when told to clean up after yourself

[tariah23]

How do you have kids and don’t make them do chores. I’ll never get it, man. They grow up to be one of those ppl who’s never washed a single dish before and are usually dirty and of privilege mind. Parents essentially sending their usually annoying kids out into the world to be an even further nuisance just because they don’t know how to do simple, everyday chores when they are fully capable of doing so and are able bodied.

[mythiccheroacademia]

—single!parent headcanons

part one

mtha thots: the manga makes me really sad and i think children deserve a childhood so i made this to cope

all characters are 18+

Warnings: it’s long but, other than that, none <3

© 2021 all writing content belongs to mythiccheroacademia. do not repost or modify

Shouto Todoroki: 

truth be told, shouto never wanted children 

he knew how important someone’s childhood meant

shouto honestly couldn’t trust himself not to mess it up :(

so imagine his surprise when he came to fall in love with this little boy, no older than six, he found snooping around a dumpster 

it’s actually kind of funny how they came to be bc shouto was 100% put off by the kid

when they made eye contact, they stared at each other like 

shouto:🧍🏻

the boy: 👁👄👁

shouto again:🧍🏻

before the brat blew him a raspberry and tried to run off 

ofc he caught up to him and, despite the boy’s tantrum, the two went straight to the police

and for some reason, todoroki ended up with him in his condo

the first couple of weeks were terrible 

it seemed like Yuuma hated his guts 

shouto let him have his space and only really pestered him when it was time to do the essentials

at midoriya’s suggestion, he’d try and talk to him about his day or how his therapy sessions went, but it was no use 

the boy would tell him not to worry about it and scurry off 

this happened for some time and honestly, todoroki was at his wit’s end 

until one day, shouto realized that it wasn’t that the child hated him, he just didn’t want to be a burden him

then everything clicked 

mustering up the courage, todoroki one day asked Yuu if he’d like to help him make dinner and the way the kid’s eyes brightened up at the chance to be useful made him a bit sad

but he pushed it away in favor for how the boy blossomed as he showed shouto the right way to stir meat stew and make onion rings

at the end, the red n white hero gave him an honest smile and thanked him for his help

Yuuma looked at him for a long time before bursting into tears 

it was the first time shouto had seen him cry in weeks 

it was also the first time they hugged

from then on, it was almost magical how well they clicked 

the boy was exitable and extroverted, todoroki was quiet and reserved 

they were both stubborn to a fault sometimes and that didn’t bode over well during the few disagreements they had but they brought the best out in each other 

shouto made the kid feel safe and secure, always reminding him that anything he did for him was never burdensome 

Yuuma gave the hero a confidence boost and a chance at another type of love he never knew he wanted 

the first time his son called him dad was when todoroki made the adoption official 

Yuuma shyly asked if it was okay that he called him his father and shouto will not admit to the tears he desperately tried to hide from a teasing midoriya and his siblings (ofc he had them there)

no one knows this but todoroki literally had separation anxiety the first couple of years

his child was just fine being with the babysitter but shouto would spend his work days/nights feeling very tense being away from him 

called/texted the kid all the time, left him encouraging sticky notes in his lunch box, and would hug him for at least 3 min before leaving the house

he’s such a mother hen bye

he’s lucky yuu adores him bc he was lowkey doing a lot LMAO

they have movie nights together and geek over manga like nerds 

yuuma cosplayed as roy mustang once and todoroki has an album of pics from that day alone 

todoroki’s the type to randomly bring his son fruit just because 

yuuma regularly slept in shouto’s bed/futon until around 7th grade

as his son got older, and more popular (w the ladies AND gents hehe) at school, todoroki got a little jealous bc yuuma wanted to spend more time with his friends

he was legit hurt the first time yuu canceled on movie night to go to a sleepover 🥺

todoroki moped over it until midoriya told him to knock it off 💀

it’s a shameful quality of his, but shouto will always lie to get his kid out of the stupid shit he gets himself into only bc yuu plays really funny pranks 

has to keep himself from laughing in front of the principle 

they’re both lowkey mischevious asf 

he’ll scold him later tho so it’s okay, he’s responsible™️

shouto always calls yuu “son”

if he calls him by his full name, he’s either sad or annoyed w him

during family gatherings, yuuma is the star of the show bc of his superb cooking skills

he and fuyumi get along great

and surprisingly enough, bakugo adores the kid even though the same can’t be said for todoroki himself 

yuuma wants to open a restaurant and he’s a little afraid of his father’s reaction

little does he know, shouto is ready to hand over his black card at moment’s notice purrr✨

he’s a really supportive father and he has his hiccups, but todo tries his very best and his son makes him impossibly proud every day 

oh and did i mention they wear matching sweaters?

they’re that kind of family

it’s so cute i could die 

Midoriya Izuku: 

midoriya was born and bred to be a father 

change my mind 

i mean look at that face 

that’s daddy material to me 😌

anyways

midoriya has two girls that are about a year apart

due to the immense pressure of being with the #1 hero and an unwillingness to be a mother, his then girlfriend at the time suddenly left him, signing over all maternal rights to the hero 

it just crushed izuku 

he spent weeks trying to look for her and to make it work 

he wanted his girls to have a two-parent household, but she went radio silent 

it was a difficult adjustment 

but deku is the most ambitious and resiliant person on the planet so he was devoted to giving them the best lif he could 

and ofc he had the support of all his friends and his mother 

but there were a lot of ups and downs

mostly downs in the first year being a single parent

at the time, his youngest wasn’t even one whiles eldest was almost two 

and izuku worked a lot 

being #1 meant he was the country’s go-to whenever something happened and he missed a lot of stuff he’d never get to redo 

like his youngest, Maia’s, first word which was “bunny”

and the first time his oldest, Naomi, went to the bathroom by herself 

and izuku will never forget the day he came to pick his kids up after being on a week long international mission

when he reached out for them, they looked at him as if they didn’t know who he was 

izuku spent the entire night crying in inko’s arms 

the next morning, he only had to deliver some paperwork, but everyone noticed the usually chipper hero’s sour mood and stayed clear from his path

even bakugo and todoroki felt chills when izuku passed by 

it was tough, but deku was determined 

he started taking up night shifts so he could be there for his girls during the day

he’d pick them up from inko’s right after work and spend the day playing with them 

izuku stayed up on a dangerous amount of caffeine and will power

there were days he literally passed out from exhaustion, but it was worth it to see them through their milestones 

when Naomi went to kindergarten, he couldn’t stop buzzing around w excitement

he just adored listening her ramble on about what she learned and that persisted on even as she grew

like, she’s a genius

she was his doppleganger in intellect and resilience

she’s def a daddy’s girl and although she’s not as empathetic as her father, they’re very close 

naomi is an excellent older sister and stepped up early when izuku couldn’t always be there 

maia is izuku’s match in personality

she’s very sweet, a bit more extroverted, and compassionate

but pls don’t get it twisted, that girl gives the fam a run for their money 

she’s got izuku’s righteousness but heightened 100x and with a lot more anger

the girl’s got quite the mean mug and she got hands highkey

they both do tbh (i mean, izuku is their dad...)

the amount of fights naomi’s had to back her up in is ridiculous 😭

they’re two peas in a pod tho so if you mess w one sister, you mess w both ‼️

regardless of all that, izuku wouldn’t change them for anything 

he’s the type to obnoxiously kiss them on their cheeks before school

they’ll take turns doing each other’s hair

izuku gets pigtails that he proudly wears to work 

deku has a private instagram that is so filled with those two, sometimes ppl forget it’s his

he def has a “girl dad” t-shirt

he calls them his angels 🥺

i see him getting a tattoo of their names on his arm or something

they’re all cry babies so when they get into arguments, it doesnt last long

both girls went to UA to be heroes and izuku’s heart just soars with pride every day 

he also cried an obnoxious amount and for some odd reason, kept popping up for “demonstrative purposes”

they had to have a family talk so they could tell him to stop babying them in the kindest way possible 

and by that i mean, naomi said it bluntly and maia did damage control lmao

overall, izuku loves those girls more than life and they love him just the same 

raising them was a rollercoaster, but he’d do it all over again in a heartbeat

Sero Hanta:

another one that just looks like he’d be an amazing father

please have my children sir

sero is one of the few that was actually looking to adopt a kid

he came from a large family and desired connection with a family of his own

he tried a for a while, but it never seemed to happen

until he came about a small girl he met on the off chance of passing by her hospital room when he was getting a quick check up

she was one of the children they saved on a mission and when he saw her curled up on the hospital bed that seemed to swallow her whole, his feet moved on their own

the girl, Keiko, was left injured and an orphan, yet despite her circumstances, she was just a joy to be around 

sero spent the rest of visiting time with her and just knew she was it for him

she was very sick so he’d spend his breaks visiting her at the hospital 

keiko was a huge cellophane fan and it just melted his heart 🥺

she’d have a huge smile on her face, unabashedly showing off her missing front tooth, every time he walked in

they’d spend hours just drawing or talking about their day

when sero shyly brought up the possibility of adopting her, keiko could barely contain herself 

she drew him one of her best pieces as a thank you and sero still has it hanging on his mirror to this day ❤️

keiko’s actually quite the artist so there’s many more up there to keep it company 

the adjustment period went smoother than anticipated

the girl had her moments and hanta was getting used to being a 24/7 parent, but it was like they quickly acted as if they had been blood related their entire lives

they are ride or dies for each other LMAO

they don’t argue

like at all

the worst they ever got was when keiko rushed to help her father on the job when she happened to see him get hurt 

sero yelled at her in panic 

it was so startling that they avoided each other for the time being

but a few hours later, sero went and apologized 

and that was that

keiko had frequent nightmares and sero would sacrfice copious hours of sleep so that he could turn on the projecter and give her a run down about every star in the “sky” before she falls asleep 

he actually bought and named a star after her for her first bday with him

sero pats her head a lot and she hates it

he calls her squirt, sport, kid, and princess if they’re having a soft moment

they have an unholy amount of matching onsies 

the kid was already getting to the stage where she wanted to be independent, but she would let her father pick out her outfits sometimes

only bc he put a lot of effort into doing it 

aka, she caught him crying over cute pintrest pics bc he’s a simp

okay but sero really, isn’t much of a crier, but he’s sentimental asf

every milestone is recorded

every school night, he’s there (she was a good kid, so he all but gloats w pride after every visit w the teachers)

any drawing she makes, he has 

he’ll do anything to be there for his daughter so it really crushed him when he couldn’t go to her high school’s father daughter dance 

sero had a mission he couldnt get out of and he was sorely pissed off about it 

keiko assured her father that it was okay and that it was corny anyways

but he could hear the disappointment in her voice 

he made kirishima go with her anyways bc he didnt want her to miss out on the experience 

and you bet your ass that when she came back home, sero was there in a tux with the living room set up to make it up to her 

it is just as cheesy as you think it is, but they’re cute so who cares 

also the way they both can dance is crazyyyyyy

rhythm isn’t even the word

if there was a competition for best father-daughter dance duo, they would win every time! and i stand by that!

they have at least one viral tiktok dance they did together

sero’s not the emotional type, but the first time keiko had a boyfriend he def made a threat or two to him 

it was actually so scary 

anyways

they’re honestly the cutest duo and everyone on the block agrees

 i love it ❤️

[jyndor]

paul krugman and the art of doubling down on shitty takes

so on september 11th, famed nyt editorial writer, keynesian economist and fave of your racist liberal uncle, paul krugman, wrote one of the shittiest takes I have ever seen on twitter, which is SAYING SOMETHING.

krugman famously tweeted this:

and got a million virtual shoes thrown at him for being so ignorant, because anti-muslim hate crimes did actually escalate after 9/11, and the bush administration eagerly fanned the flames of islamophobia in order to make their illegal wars in afghanistan and iraq popular with the public. muslims, sikhs, indians, literally anyone vaguely brown, and lots of black ppl too, were terrorized by their neighbors, (former) friends, classmates, coworkers, etc. and anyone with a muslim friend knows this happened because they've told us about it. and these attacks were reported on. they were, I remember reading about them when I was a kid.

(paul krugman works for the new york fucking times, and while I think the nyt is warmongering centrist garbage, they do actually report on things that happen in the world. he writes editorials for them, surely he reads the damn paper once in a while).

so today, I log on to twitter and see he has decided not to apologize, but rather do the ol' double down, which always works out well.

here are some highlights:

okay so first thing's first, no apology (obviously) since this is a double down. but we got a chart, and liberals do love a good chart when they are being racist and ahistorical.

he admits that the chart is actually inaccurate because it excludes all the other victims of anti-muslim hate crimes who weren't actually muslim (read: the innocents). okay. so already he is losing credibility because he is using an inaccurate chart as the basis of his double down, and really, we love to see it.

after this there's some shit about how he didn't say there wasn't an outbreak of white americans attacking muslims and people mistaken for muslims, but rather that it could have been worse. lol well anything can be worse than it was, as 2020 has taught us. it’s a pedantic mess and I didn’t feel like that was the meat of the double down.

so first off, the iraq war was definitely started for many reasons, but islamophobia was part of it. the bush administration wanted to invade iraq and depose saddam hussein, and steal iraq’s oil for multinational oil companies lbr, and so they exploited americans’ fears about muslims by propagandizing about how it was important for us to attack them over there before they attacked us over here with their weapons of mass destruction, and of course they would attack us over here if given the chance. why? because they hate our way of life here, our freedom. those things were LITERALLY said by bush people and also by their stans at fox news and the wsj, and yes, in the editorial pages at the nyt.

so to someone like paul krugman, who knows lots of conservatives who don’t seem racist, or are educated and distinguished and just... like war? idk but to him, he sees people like them and says, well... they’re not like uneducated filthy poors in west virginia, not that kind of racist.

but what he doesn’t get, or he is being deliberately obtuse about, is that in order for the bush people to dehumanize muslims the way they did, they had to personally place less value on the lives of iraqis than on the value of that sweet crude oil. they were willing to go to war, sacrifice hundreds of thousands of civilians in the process (as well as thousands of american soldiers, but this isn’t about them) because they didn’t see them as anything but collateral damage. and that is fucking racist.

and while I have no interest in playing the “which racist is worse” game, when the west virginia uneducated racist endangers those around them, the politician rich harvard educated racist writes policy and lies us into illegal wars that endanger millions. both are bad, both are racist.

and by the way, him “sticking his neck out” to speak up against going to iraq was brave and necessary, especially because the nyt was pushing the invasion. but when you put it like that... you just sound like a tool. like it was a burden to call out the liars and imperialists. bitch, you’re paul krugman, a nobel laureate and renowned economist. I do not want to discount the IMMENSE pressure and blacklisting that opponents of the bush administration experienced, because showing any opposition to the wars at the time was risky. but idk the way he put that just irked me, especially since he didn’t even lose his job like many in the media did when they spoke up.

usually what liberals do when they fuck up publically is a fake ass apology and a few hail marys, and I assumed he would be on twitter begging for forgiveness on this one since his garbage take went so viral and pissed off so many people. and of course was wrong.

but then he does this:

yeah. your eyes are not deceiving you. that chart is measuring anti-black, anti-lgbtq and anti-”islamic” (lmao who says that bro just say anti-muslim or islamophobic) hate crimes. shut up leftist twitter, black people have it worse than muslims according to my inaccurate chart. so stop attacking me, a rich white man who doesn’t really care about anything other than my reputation.

there is a lot to unpack here, namely that paul krugman is using faux concern for black people as a way to deflect from his shitty ahistorical take about how much restraint white americans showed after 9/11 towards muslims. maybe krugman doesn’t know any black muslims, but they exist. also oppression olympics is stupid even when used by well meaning essentialists, let alone by milquetoast academics.

not to mention that he has already discounted his own shitty chart by saying it doesn’t show the full picture of what happened in these anti-muslim attacks. but even if we take this chart seriously, it actually does not really support his point. look at how many more hate crimes there were against muslims in 2001 than there were in 2000. there are significantly more black people than muslims in the united states. I am not good at math, and surely I am no nobel laureate, but it seems to me that hate crimes against black people increased a little, and hate crimes against muslims increased a lot. and this chart only takes into account three years, and only two of which are post-9/11. so... idk man maybe we should look at what happened in, say, 2003? 2004? how about all of the 2000s?

(source: https://www.pri.org/stories/2016-09-12/data-hate-crimes-against-muslims-increased-after-911)

oh, that is actually pretty consistently bad! yes, there was one spike in 2001/2002, but it isn’t like we went back down to pre-9/11 numbers afterwards. and I am not sure if this information includes non-muslims targeted for “looking muslim” but I would say it is unlikely, since the data seem pretty similar to krugman’s olympic shit.

I am not writing this because paul krugman is particularly shit-for-brains, or because I hate him more than like... idk any other moron on twitter. there were plenty of anti-muslim takes on twitter friday like there are every 9/11, and every day. but krugman is actually someone liberals respect. he is, after all, a nobel laureate and a keynesian economist, and fairly mild mannered. when people in the media like krugman write these ahistorical shitty takes they are, as chomsky wrote, MANUFACTURING CONSENT. it is a deliberate tactic, and it works. and if you want to learn more about this theory, check out this short clip by al jazeera narrated by amy goodman (of democracy now). the media manufactured american consent when they pushed the wars. they continue to do so when they try to rewrite george bush’s history by making trump seem uniquely terrible to muslims.

elites in the press and in government have been trying to whitewash and rehabilitate george bush’s reputation for YEARS, and they are succeeding. and why would they want to do that? well, there are a lot of reasons. one, a lot of people in washington are complicit in bush’s crimes. two, democrats think they need to appeal to moderate republicans (lol) in order to win elections, and I guess they think there are moderate republicans left (lol!), and that those moderate republicans like george bush (LOLLL). three, they want to make trump look uniquely terrible. if they do that, then no one but trump needs to be held to account for his government’s failings. but these are just my speculation.

do not let them rehabilitate george bush any further than they have. it is a fucking shame he will never be held to account for war crimes, but an extra slap in the face to all of his victims when we act like he didn’t do things he did. like stoke anti-muslim hate. he invaded muslim countries with a smile on his face, and that is pretty fucking hateful.

paul krugman doubled down and tried to use Black Lives Matter like a human fucking shield. seems a bit racist imo.

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.