#our rogue was very clearly thinking of a backup character

[vimvarial]

Now for a different system! This is from the Pathfinder ttrpg, more specifically the Outlaws of Alkenstar campaign. Here our party is fleeing for their lives on a wooden boat while being fired at by guns and cannons. Note the party cleric was missing on vacation for that session...

[the-big-nope]

While I’m certainly nowhere near ready for the story of the Mighty Nein to come to an end, I am also a D&D nerd and there’s a new sourcebook coming out soon with a bunch of new subclasses in it. By the time Campaign 3 of Critical Role gets underway, that book will be published, leaving a wealth of new options for the cast members to choose from, so why not entertain myself by making barely justified predictions of what the cast is most likely to pick for their next characters! (Disclaimer: Some of the new subclasses have been confirmed and some haven’t, so for a few of these picks I’m just going off of what I think is going to be in the book).

Travis

Cleric (Tempest Domain): Travis has been playing lowkey EMT since campaign one, and Laura’s already confirmed that Travis almost went cleric for campaign two. Between Grog with his barb-boosted movement speed to get around the battlefield so he could shove healing potions into his squishier teammates, and Fjord multiclassing into paladin and lovingly tapping his friends with single hit points to get them back up, it would be delightful to see him fully jump in and embrace the classical healer role. Of course, this is Travis, so I don’t see him picking a cleric domain that doesn’t allow for at least some whoop-ass, and Tempest Domain brings plenty of it. You get proficiency with all armor and weapons, Divine Strike at level 8 for boosted melee damage, you can use a reaction to inflict lightning or thunder damage against any enemy within melee range that’s hit you. And if you climb up high enough in levels, you gain a flying speed equal to your walking one whenever you’re outdoors. Pretty nifty, and makes for a fitting subclass for a guy that’s voiced Thor on multiple occasions.

Blood Hunter (Order of the Lycan): I mean, come on. The only reason it isn’t number one is that it was already widely assumed this would be Travis’s pick for campaign two, and I wouldn’t put it past him to surprise us again. But still, we saw him get a taste in Liam’s one shot and he was clearly having the time of his life. Besides, we lost Molly far too early to really see the blood hunter’s potential come to life; it would be damn cool to see someone else take a crack at it, and Travis is enough of a D&D gambler to not shy away from the class’s riskier features.

Artificer (Armorer): Speaking of Marvel connections, if Travis doesn’t lean toward fantasy Thor, then fantasy Iron Man might catch his attention instead. Artificer is an official class now, and since it’ll be reprinted in TCoE by the time campaign 3 gets underway, it’ll be a lot more visible as an option. The Armorer sits in almost a perfect middle ground of what Travis has done before: tanky and a frontliner, but also still has spells and tricks to help the party. Plus, you get a badass suit of power armor out of it. What’s not to like?

Marisha

Bard (College of Creation): After Hazel Copperpot, we all saw the pure magic that was Marisha Ray playing a bard. I know she implied that Hazel was supposed to be her campaign two backup character, but I hope this doesn’t discourage her from making another one. There are quite a few bard subclasses, a number of which I could see her being drawn to (Lore, Glamour, maybe even Swords), but I really vibe with the idea of Creation. I can’t exactly say why; maybe the idea of the ‘dancing object’ feature in Marisha’s hands is very funny to me (remember Keyleth’s adorable “Be Our Guest” moment? That, but this time it’s a walking wardrobe beating the shit out of the enemy).

Paladin (Oath of Vengeance/Conquest): As of yet, no one on Critical Role has ever played a paladin from the start, only multiclassed later down the line. I think this would be a cool departure for Marisha. Both campaigns she’s played characters that were either suspicious or at least indifferent to faith and the gods. Paladins are typically associated with deities, but they’re not tied quite so closely to them as clerics are. It would be fascinating to see what she did with it. As for the subclass, I just think Marisha’s earned her turn on the Goth Character Carousel, and while I know Conquest paladin is very unlikely given its moral grayness by default which might cause undue conflict and that Vengeance is a much more likely and acceptable pick, I just think it would be a sexy character choice. 

Wizard (Bladesinger/Graviturgist): This is a much more pie-in-the-sky, wishful thinking pick on my end, but not impossible imo. Marisha has experience with heavy spellcasting already, so she probably wouldn’t shy away from a wizard, but like Travis I suspect she likes a bit of oomph to her characters, and probably wouldn’t play as support heavy as Caleb does. To that end, Bladesingers get a bit more survivability and some modicum of physical prowess alongside their spells, while Graviturgists are definitely on the more aggressive side of the spectrum for wizard subclasses, with unique dunamancy spells to boot. I’m not sure how restrictive Matt would be about Xhorhassian characters in the next campaign if it takes place on another continent, but hey, you never know. Plus, she picked one of Matt’s homebrew subclasses for the current campaign; it would be cute if it happened again.

Liam

Druid (Circle of the Shepherd): At some point before Critical Role comes to end (hopefully far in the future), I know Liam’s gonna play a druid, I can feel it in my bones. He's too big of a Kiki fan not to. However, while Circle of the Moon might feel obvious given the potential for homage and how much he likes turning into animals, I feel like he might regard it as getting too close to old territory (also, I don’t know if Circle of the Moon is like an exclusive thing to the Ashari tribes, and if it is that would be rather restrictive for building a backstory). If that’s the case, Circle of the Shepherd feels like the next best bet. It has some great support options via the totems you can put down, and rather than becoming badass animals, you instead just get really good at summoning a fuck ton of them. It’s like Frumpkin, but ten of him. And they’re bears. (Honorable mention: If Circle of the Moon would feel like treading old territory then I’m certain Circle of Wildfire would too, but I’d bet my dice collection it would at least be tempting). 

Cleric (Unity Domain): Listen. The pure sap potential that would be at Mr. O’Brien’s fingertips with this subclass is incredible. The domain all about strengthening and protecting the bonds between friends and loved ones?? The domain with the Channel Divinity that can spread damage taken by one creature across the party however the cleric chooses to distribute it to lessen the blow to the individual??? The domain that used to be called the Love Domain???? I’m practically gagging on the soft moments and unspoken devotion conveyed through spellcasting already.

Fighter (Rune Knight/Psi Knight): Liam has yet to play a tank in a long-term campaign, and while I’m more enamored with the potential of the above classes, it would be novel to see him play a character with an actually respectable amount of hit points. However, I feel like if he was gonna commit to a straight frontliner, he’d probably want something a little more unique than a Champion or Battle Master (especially since he’s played those already for one-shots). Rune Knight has some fun options and built-in flavor, and with Psi Knight you can basically be a Jedi. Not bad options at all if you ask me.

Taliesin

Warlock (Fiend): Yeah, it might be expected, or Percy might have been too close to warlock anyway to feel like there’s new ground to cover, but hear me out. Both Percy (who, let’s face it, was a warlock multiclass in all but the actual mechanics) and Fjord were the classic reluctants. They got in over their heads without really knowing what was going on, and once they did they wanted out, cutting ties with their patrons and getting clear with only the scars remaining. I want to see Taliesin commit to a warlock in a way I imagine only he could manage to pull off. How fun would that balancing act be, to have a character that has no intentions of breaking their pact, who’s here for the powers, and is willing to work that delicate balancing act between keeping what he’s got and not letting his contract holder get the better of him? Give it to meeeeee.

Sorcerer (Psionic Soul): Psionic Soul has a bit of that eldritch flavor that vibes with Taliesin so much, with the added interest of introducing a brand new feature to 5E, the Psi Die (with this subclass, using them can do things like letting a sorcerer learn a spell they don’t already know for a few hours, allow you to cast spells without needing verbal, somatic, or material components, and can give you telepathy). Taking both Percy and Molly into account, it seems Tal likes to lean into those unique additional mechanics, and while Psi Die aren’t as risk-heavy as Gunslinger or Bloodhunter, they do add a layer of variability and unpredictability that seems to match his style.

Rogue (Swashbuckler): We only got a little bit of time with Molly, and so missed out on the opportunity to see Tal play a more cavalier character this time around. If he feels like leaning away from spells next time and back toward martial, I think a high-charisma, high-swinging swashbuckler from Tal would be a delight to watch.

Laura

Barbarian (Path of the Ancestral Guardian): Laura deserves to hit things, okay? Yes, spellcasting is great and comes in clutch frequently and Jester’s amazing, but you can tell Laura misses doing fat stacks of damage to the enemy in a single round. I personally think it would be amazing to watch her just cut loose and go full rage machine. As for the subclass, I’m not glued to the idea, but Ancestral Guardians are pretty kickass, have decent support capabilities for a barb without detracting from their DPS at all, and it doesn’t tread on any previous characters’ toes or their aesthetics.

Rogue (Scout/Soulknife): Laura deserves to play her favorite class at last, okay? She’s been class poached two campaigns in a row, and though that resulted in both Vex and Jester and I wouldn’t trade them for the world, Laura has earned first pick. Seeing as she already dipped into Assassin as Vex and Sam took Arcane Trickster, I could see Scout being a viable subclass choice. It’s in the classic sneaky vein, relatively simple in concept, but comes with features that grant easy-to-understand benefits that you can never turn your nose up at (boosts to movement, advantage on initiative, giving advantage against a target to everyone else in the party, etc.). If she’s looking for something a bit flashier, Soulknife has the benefit of retroactively dunking on Vax by taking the basic knife-rogue and making it better, with psionic knives that you can manifest with a thought, that can teleport you around Whisper style, and cranking up that stealth to ridiculous levels by just being able to turn invisible for ten minutes, no concentration or spell needed. The psionic die mechanics are a little funky of course, but I don’t imagine it’s any trickier than learning to manage all those cleric spells.

Monk (Way of the Open Hand): Between Beau just being super cool and her brief stint as Farriwen Breeze, monk wouldn’t be a surprising pick from Laura. An Open Hand monk might be the definitive version everyone knows, but you can’t deny it’s a solid subclass, and between previous overlap and the concepts of the other subclasses just not seeming to fit, I could see the classic being what she went with. But hey, it’s Laura Bailey. She could surprise us with Way of the Drunken Master or something.

Sam

Ranger (Monster Slayer): Let’s be real, I don’t think this would be his actual first pick for a Campaign 3 character, but the amount of shit-stirring he could achieve by making a character with the aim of pissing off Laura Bailey specifically would be hilarious (and since Matt isn’t completely opposed to UA and acknowledges that PHB ranger has a lot of issues, I wouldn’t be surprised if they went Revised Ranger this time).

Warlock (Genie): Actual first pick here, Pact of the Genie Warlock is confirmed by now, and the potential of a warlock in the hands of Sam Riegel is pretty vast (for some reason I’m imagining he would go the ‘spoiled sugar baby’ route). The subclass doesn’t matter as much, but the Genie one is nice in that, depending on the type of genie patron you pick, you can get a wide variety of extra spells, you get a container like a classic lamp or lantern that you can bamf into for short rests, and you get a limited Wish ability for your capstone, all features I feel like would especially appeal to Sam.

Barbarian (Path of the Wild Soul): I want to see Sam play a fairy barbarian. ‘Nough said.

Ashley

Fighter (Eldritch/Echo Knight): Ashley really seems to vibe with the crushing power of martial classes (she does love her brutal kill descriptions), so I could see her sticking with it rather than going back to full caster. However, I do see her picking one of the magical subclasses for some variety after Yasha. Eldritch Knight is a classic and reasonably easy to manage, but tbh I’d LOVE for it to be Echo Knight. And think, if my wishful thinking came true, with Ashley picking an Echo Knight and Marisha playing a Graviturgist wizard, they could link up their backstories and be a traveling Kryn battle duo that left their homeland behind to explore the world!

Sorcerer (Draconic): If she does want to go back to full-time casting, Sorcerer doesn’t require near as much bookkeeping as a cleric, druid, or wizard while still having decent variety, and the Draconic subclass is a bit beefier than the other subclasses. Also, it would be the third campaign in a row where Ashley Johnson’s character eventually got wings, soooo...

And tbh I have no idea what a third pick might be for Ashley, so I’m just gonna throw a dart or two at the board and say either College of Whispers Bard or Way of Mercy Monk *Shrug* We can only wait and see!

[popculturebuffet]

Jingle Belle: A Very Special Jingle Belle Special or A goofy holiday comic and a long tired rant about the animation industry

Ho ho ho and merry Christmas as we reach the final stretch of Christmas reviews and it’s all Christmas all the time for the rest of the week for obvious reasons. So we’re starting off by wrapping up Jingle Belle for the season with one more comission. While it’s from my usual client, It’s via patreon as for 5 bucks a month you can get a review a month of your choice. But since that hasn’t taken hold just yet, and won’t till next month, he asked to swap it for this month and here we are.  Not much to cover though this is the very comic where Jing hopped publishers from Oni Press to Dark Horse. The whys I genuinely do not know and at the time, I just know it’s weird to talk about Dark Horse these days. Their not dead nor entirely irrelvant, Resident Alien, which I really want to check out as it has a really engaging premise, is getting a tv show that I also want to check out as while i’m not sure if it’ll be good, it’s still Alan Tudyk playing an alien who can barely pass for human and it hilariously shows. Whenever that streams i’m not missing a second of that and we all know it. And Umbrella Academy, started during bigger days for the company, is one of netflix’s hottest shows and one of many shows on my to do list I haven’t gotten to because I procastinate like no one else and as taking an entire month to get to the newest loud house shows to the point another one popped up, it bites me in the ass a lot. Point is their not GONE in relevance.. but at the same time they’ve lost the huge tide of liscences they road in on. Except for the Joss Whedon stuff, Marvel’s pretty much taken EVERYTHING from them via various deals: Star Wars, Conan and now Alien. Their still standing and makes good art books and clearly given Resident Alien good content, they’ve lasted this long their not going anywhere, it’s just really weird to think about. I will however give them huge credit for giving out tons of comics in early quarantine, and being easily the most generous company next to marvel. I.e. one of the few that actually gave out full collections. 

But yeah at the time this was probably a safe move as Dark Horse had a love of one shots and likely a larger budget. Hence why from here on out the stories are in living color, and have a slightly diffrent art style to boot. Granted the character would shift artists but now it’s got a clear more cartoony art style I like a lot better courtsey of Jose Garabaldi. So yeah with christmas on our heels, let’s ring a ding jing, it’s A Very Special Jingle Belle Special. 

We won’t be covering the backup for this one though it is quite good, it’s just not what kev asked or paid for. 

We open on a parade!

While batman foils the joker’s poisioning scheme, Santa rides on a float proudly and   Jing is hanging out on the back grumpy. It’s a great introduction for new readers showing Santa being big and jolly and what you expect while Jing grumps in the back with a “Sheesh, Daddy”. That’s how you establish a character well in only a few panels. IT’s really great is what i’m saying. Some teens pop up but don’t belivie her about being Santa’s daughter and when going to a christmas shop to try and find figures of her, the owner claims he dosen’t.. and well violence insues. You’ve met jing right?  Anyways Jing is understandably a wee bit absolutely livid the world dosen’t know about her. Her parents sure but her? Nope. And it’s easy to see why: She’s the daughter of the world’s most famous man.. but despite all the holiday lore and junk she’s just the part he likes to hide from people.. or that’s how it feels. While he ducks it, she even gives him a nice save fatty it’s clear that even if she brought it up to rile him a bit.. she does feel on some level like he likes to tuck her away and hide her because he’s ashamed and because she’s not perfect. Granted she does act out and stuff, but she’s still his kid and i’ts still gotta sting. Though she has the perfect idea to fix this: A christmas special. Santa suggests just doing good deeds but Jing is right: her idea is better. Mostly because, as cyncial as this is.. more people are going to pay attention to a good holiday special than a celebrity’s kid doing charity and for far longer. A good christmas special just sticks in the brain and sticks with you forever. It’s why Santa Claus is Coming to Town and A Charlie Brown Christmas have lasted decades or why my list of best chirstmas specials is pretty weighty. They just stick with you so while this can’t possibly end well.. her plan is actually a really good one this time. 

So Jing takes her friends off the line to help her animate it, stop motion styles and they remind her of her LAST christmas special. 

I mean I’m a sucker for any refrence to Star Wars Holiday Special. You’d think after several decades of jokes at it’s expense, with tons of youtubers, many of whom are dead to me but that’s besides the point, tackling the thing without it getting stale, that we’d eventually grow tired of mocking it but .. no. It’s a bottomless well of what they were thinking. The only question left is why isn’t it on Disney Plus.. I mean.. you made a second one as an affectionate parody and in lego. Kids are going to know about this now. Just put the thing up. Even edited down or just some clips. You put Rise of Skywalker up there, you’ve proven your threshold for shame when it comes to this franchise is vast. Just person up and do it.  But Jing’s learned her lesson.. stop motion only and to follow the bouncing formula to sucess. So in the special which sadly isn’t all stop motion and is just drawn to resemble the specials, probably for the best but still, Jing and her animal pals are sneaking into a town where christmas was banned! Meeting the chirstmas legion of doom.. well okay that’s what i’m calling them. Burgermeister Budweiser! Bungle the Abominable Snow Monster! Frost Master and Heat BLister! The Frost Fakir.. wait the what?

........

I mean where do I even begin? I know this was during the war on terror, I know that.. but still I expect better from Paul Dini for a crosses the line twice joke than “hey let’s just make bin laden into an ice wizard!”. I mean South Park made fun of him too, but they went all out with a looney tunes homage. Put effort in. And even years after he died the lonely island did this beautiful thing in the film pop star: never stop stoppin, which you should watch seriously watch it it’s underated. 

Point is you can do better and if you don’t have room to do better then just.. don’t. You could’ve put in a t-rex in a top hat and monocle.  That would’ve genuinely been better... because it’s better than everything ever btu that’s besides the point. There’s also one last addition to the rogue’s gallery thank god. 

He hates her too. Now that gag is actually reallyf ucking funny. What’s also funny is how she solves things. By singing a nice and frinedly song about friendship to reform the villians.. or rather lure them over a bridge to get eaten by her orca friend. 

So Jing after showing it to her dad heads to market it with him trying to warn her netoworks haven’t aired this kind of thing in years. But she faces the greatest threat to all of television: network executives, who keep offering advices and basically change the thing all together for stupid reasons and think cartoons should only be for kids despite it wokring in the past. Aka the hells animators STILL go through. I think Paul was projecting just a wee bit with this one. Given again IT HASN’T CHANGED since then, I can’t blame him. Seriously Harvey Beaks was canceled, among MANY ohter nick shows including rise of the tmnt just because it wasn’t an instant hit, Cartoon Network and warner keep trying to make dumbed down remakes of great shows, and Disney, among other networks, is fairly homophobic and while finally allowing some gay on the network this year had to be fought and outright refused it on ducktales for no adquate reason, caring more about monney and the bible belt than doing the right thing. So yeah as you can tell this bit got to me a bit and was hard to read because it. hasn’t. changed. 16 years and not a lot has changed other than more women are getting a chance. And granted the “kids are our only audiencce argument” isn’t as strong and several shows are powered by other demographics it’s still an issue and still the reason several good shows have gotten the boot and why the jeph loeb era of marvel animation was terrible. Because guys like him thought it should JUST be for kids and the lowest common demoninator of htem. You can be clever and be for kids dammit. 

I apologize slightly for that it’s just something that’s been on my mind as shows dwindle and with ducktales gone the standard forbearaers for children’s animation are all pretty fresh faced. It’s just a lot to take in and i’ts been on my mind a lot. 

Back to the actual story the result is a pretty purtrid cutesy special.. Jing reacts how you’d expect, destroying the tapes covertly with a herd of musk ox and destroying the tape. But they find the 70′s special and we end on that which is pretty funny. The only thing I really don’t like here is the ending. The rest of this special is really good: it’s clever , has some good satire and some really funny jokes especially that hook one. The ending just feels a bit weak.. like yes Jing wanted to be noticed but it’s not really an unsympathetic motive and while she does some shady stuff the villians still basically win by airing her terrible holiday special all over again. It’s just not satisfying.  But yeah overall another pretty decent holiday comic with some good jokes. I”ll probably see Jing again next year, and it was fun getting to dip into these comics. THeir not my faviorites, but their still pretty decent and if the complete collection ends up on sale on comixology or you see it in a bookstore and you think it’d be up your ally i’d buy it. Again not my faviorite thing ever, but still enjoyable enough. Coming up this week of holiday cheer: ducks, more ducks, superheroes, and a best of list. 

Until next time: Courage. 

[utilitycaster]

I saw a theory that Caleb was feebleminded during his time at the asylum and I have some doubts:

This ends up not being important to my argument since I just assume one (read on) but does anyone know the over-under on whether feeblemind’s 30 day save is made with your base intelligence (non-feebleminded) or with the INT 1 from the spell? Because here’s how it shakes out for me:

If you make the save with the intelligence from the spell (INT 1) that means most characters, even at high level, could never save against the spell:

a L15+ caster, ie someone able to cast a L8 spell, has a minimum DC of 14 and that’s if they have a 12 or 13 casting stat. More realistically they would have a DC of 18 or 19 (maxed out casting stat). If they have a DC of 18 or 19, only the following people would be able to ever save:

-Druid, Rogue, or Wizard (proficient in INT saving throws), of at least L5 (proficiency is +3) with a nat 20 if the DC is 18, or of at least L9 (proficiency +4) with a nat 20 if the DC is 19.

-Monk of at least L14 (proficient in all saving throws).

-someone within 10 feet of a L6+ paladin who has charisma of at least 16 (Aura of Protection granting a +3), with a nat 20, for a DC of 18; CHA of 18+ will do it with a nat 20 if the DC is 19.

-someone under some other spell or effect I can’t think of that boosts saving throws by a raw amount; advantage will not help because without proficiency, the -5 to INT is not enough, even with a nat 20.

-this seems extremely broken. I mean it might be true to the rules but that seems just...super fucking broken. Anyway, L1 Caleb cannot ever save under this scenario unless a L6 Paladin is standing next to him at the moment he makes the save.

If on the other hand you use your base intelligence, even a low-level wizard has an decent chance of breaking free (L1 Caleb’s INT saving throw was +6). Now, you could get around this by casting feeblemind every 29 days instead so the saving throw never takes effect; however this opens up two other issues:

-if you ever get detained for over 29 days this could go really badly; it’s not like just anyone can cast a L8 spell in your stead, and how does that conversation go? “Hey! You can copy this EXTREMELY SKETCHY spell from my spellbook! Now, if I’m unable to get away next week can you pop by the asylum and just like, do it to this 20-something? Cool, thanks.”

-Feeblemind does 4d6 damage which has a not unreasonable chance of killing a L1 wizard outright and will almost certainly put them into death saves (L1 Caleb would have had 8 HP and an average roll of 4d6 is 14; it’s pretty easy to hit 16), so that’s a pretty big risk. Either you’re skimming regularly off the top of your health potion allotment for your wizard assassin network to keep one (1) wizard alive or you regularly have to call in a cleric who can keep a secret and pay them for at least a 300 GP diamond and eventually it’s going to get almost impossible to resurrect your charge and who has the time when you’re running a wizard assassin network AND you have to teach?

-that last bit has given me some major Prince Humperdinck and Count Rugen vibes huh

Now, I will assume the first case for Feeblemind rules is true, broken as it may be, since otherwise Caleb would almost certainly be straight up permanently dead (that’s over 120 castings of Feeblemind, using the 328-day Exandrian calendar and 11 years with a casting of every 29 days; I am trying to figure out the exact probability of rolling at least a 16 on 4d6 but I know it’s more than 10% which means Caleb would have likely been killed at least 12 times; per Matt’s resurrection rules this would almost certainly have failed by now unless perhaps you’re using true resurrection and like, I think Trent does care a lot about having his hands on Caleb and experimenting but between my point above of having to have backup plus not infrequent reimbursement requests for 25000 GP worth of diamonds and a L17 cleric or druid on speed dial? Not very subtle manipulator of you).

In that case, Greater Restoration requires a L9 cleric with access to 100 GP of diamond dust, AND the spell clearly states that it ends one effect, so it will not hit both the feeblemind and the false memories in one go. Our options here are:

She’s L10, has 200 GP of diamond dust, and casts Greater Restoration twice.

She’s L11, possibly has 100 GP of diamond dust but not necessarily, and casts Heal once (Feeblemind) and either Greater Restoration or Remove Curse once (Modify Memory).

She’s L9, has 100 GP of diamond dust, and casts Greater Restoration once and Remove Curse once

in conclusion: that’s a lot of ifs ands and buts, I think the effect on Caleb may have been something else, RAW Feeblemind seems SUPER broken, and if you unlike me recall how to calculate and integrate the probability density function for a discrete variable hmu

[wheremytwinwatches]

[Where My Twin Watches]: Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood Episode 50

Last Time: Beard went into Papa Bear Mode, Greed pulled a Vegeta, and Mrs. Bradley was very confused and upset. Onwards!

Episode 50 - “Upheaval in Central” We’ve got the Beret!Officer from last ep talking over the title, saying that they can kill everyone besides Roy. Cue gunshots… Yup, the Officer’s just standing there in shock while all of his men are on the ground, clutching busted kneecaps or wrists. You fools pulled guns on Riza, what did you- Oh ok there’s a bunch of plain-clothes conspirators up in the rafters, and another guy with spiky hair putting a gun to Officer’s head. Where did all these guys come from? While that’s going on, Mrs. Bradley is facing two unfortunate possibilities; either the country is attempting a coup against her husband… or her husband has abandoned her. Roy “doesn’t know”, but promises to continue to protect her. Also, if she could maybe possibly use her position as spouse of the Fuhrer to pardon them once this is all over, that’d be greeeeeat. Now they’re on the move to avoid the commando’s backup, Roy’s being updated by Spiky Hair who apparently knows him (manga character?), learns he’s still at the wreckage and confirms Mrs. Bradley doesn’t know the truth just yet. Now, back to scaring off the hapless mooks! Said mooks’ boss is very upset that his men haven’t killed the five meddlers of the Conspiracy yet. Then reports start coming in that they’ve got a full platoon of rebels now, and that while they have a bunch of casualties there haven’t been any deaths. Whaaa? You mean the Good Guys are trying to fight nonlethally? Who would ever think of such a thing? Apparently not the rest of the Amestrian military, the mooks keep spending so much time wondering why they aren’t already dead that our heroes keep incapacitating them while they talk. Central Officer takes this as a personal insult, orders even more mooks out to get wounded.

The remaining Generals in the War Room are whining about how their troops getting systematically whittled down, until Armstrong the Great points out that it really should be expected. Think of it like the Military Police of Attack on Titan: While you’ve got more troops along the borders fighting in wars with other countries, these troops are in the very center of Amestris, with not nearly as much experience as those who are fighting daily on the borders. Armstrong the Great even points out their feeble performance against Mr. Freeze in the first episode, how a single rogue Alchemist decimated them and nearly froze over the entire city. Now they’re facing a rogue Alchemist with experienced and determined soldiers behind him.

The other General takes offense to the truth and her offer to step in and help, barks that she’s only there as a hostage to ensure her loyal troops toe the line (oh he is so dead). Armstrong the Great just laughs as Skyrim Chanting starts up.

[Armstrong the Great]: “Hahaha! You don’t understand a single thing about the resolve of my troops! Your plan is useless. The only law the men of Briggs know is Survival of the Fittest. They know to abandon me if confronted with a crisis. Even if you were to murder me in cold blood, my troops would simply write me off for being too weak. They don’t need me! Those men can act as their own force. That’s the strength of the Briggs army! Don’t even begin to assume that you know the soldiers I’ve trained!” Mowhawk. White Uniforms. Sandals? Ok so Buccy’s standing with some other unique Briggs troops and soldiers in the white Briggs coats in an apparent cellar. But sandals? And there’s a space in the back with two glowing red eyes. Who are these new people? Guess we’ll find out later, because the Briggs soldiers are on the move and the Oh Shit alarms are going off in Central, as Armstrong the Great “wonders” if her bear-killing soldiers will have any trouble with the dolls of Central. Let the curbstomp begin! But seriously, where were they? They mentioned a cellar but I don’t think they’d all fit under Madame Christmas’ bar even it wasn’t blown up. [Spiky Hair]: “The Armstrong Mansion?” Oooooh, duh. They even ‘subtly’ pointed it out when Roy visited Armstrong the Great after the timeskip, of course that’s where the Northern troops hid. Ok so apparently Spiky Hair is Charlie, one of his own subordinates comes running up asking for ammo. What, you aren’t getting enough spare bullets from the soldiers you’ve wounded? Or the dead now, seeing as the Briggs troops are in play. Or they’ve got a supply unit that hasn’t shown up yet. [Roy]: “Look guys, if it comes down to it just leave me behind.” [Charlie/Other]: “Roger that!” [Offended!Roy]: “You could at least pretend like you’re willing to die by my side!” Uh oh, but it looks like the Military’s realized they’re out of ammo. They make a push- and nearly get run over by a Funny Bear truck. Ooh, here’s that supply unit! With a familiar face, it’s Riza’s friend Rebecca! And oh my Leto that was certainly worth the wait, rifles bullets and bazookas galore! Roy gets a new rifle from the driver, a lady with a covered face? Someone who knows the Colone- … … … [HELL TO THE FUCK YEAH]: “Second Lieutenant Maria Ross, returning to active duty without permission, sir!”

Yessssssssssss Sorry, give me a minute. I need to walk around with a stupidly large grin on my face for a while. Ok, I’m better now. Let’s continue. Aw, Rebecca’s all upset that she came all this way only to find a bunch of “sissies” restraining themselves since they’re in the city. As she loads a friggin mortar Leto damn woman how is Grumman still alive? Oh ok it was a smoke bomb, just enough to disrupt the military so they can load into the truck and drive away. Rebecca’s showing off all the cool Xingese weapons Ross brought back. But she procured the rest of the conventional weapons through someone else? She says she’ll let “him” tell Roy, they hook up a radio. [Roy]: “This is Colonel Roy Mustang speaking. I’m honored to have your support.” [!!!]: “Heh heh, man, whose ass do you think you’re kissing?” [Roy]: *shock* [!!!!!]: “I’d prefer if we kept things casual!” Oh my Leto it’s Havoc! Running a General Store/Conspiracy Quartermaster! yessssss [Havoc]: “So, who do I send the bill to?” [Roy]: “The office of the Fuhrer. And start a tab!” yesssssss Mid-ep pictures of Ross and Havoc being awesome (all my babies are coming back I’m so happy!) and Beard pushing up his glasses. Seeing smoke and hearing sirens in the distant city, Ed and the crew (minus Greed and Al) are preparing to make their move. Ooh, and Beard says he has a countermeasure if the TC gets activated, but just says he’d rather stop it in the first place. So we’ve got two unspoken plans going on, this is looking better and better! Wait no Beard’s saying they need to destroy Uncle’s “flask” in order to defeat him and free the souls he gathered. Eh, just vague enough that I won’t count it as a stated plan. As for finding the guy, Scar’s going to show them the tunnel he and May found way back when I thought Beard was the bad guy. Lion’s staying behind because of his injuries, as is Marcoh for his wanted status and Yoki because Yoki. Ed takes a moment to say goodbye to Al still stuck in the Dome, they bump fists against the earthwork as Pride is still tapping Al’s helmet with a stick wait. Wait wait WAIT NO LETO-DAMNIT the Goth is clearly doing quick taps and longer taps it’s obviously Morse Code he’s sending a signal to the surviving Goths damnit Al take your helmet back! Ugh ok so while that ticking timebomb counts down we’ve got May running through Central with her covered jar, urged on by Envy to reach Uncle before he reveals the secret of immortality. She slips into the tunnel just before troops arrive to block the area off. Back in Central oh buddy you really don’t want to do that. The Military Police General is pointing a gun at Armstrong the Great, demanding she call off her soldiers. She’s all “What? But you stripped me of my northern command, remember?” But the General just whines that they’ve been chosen to ascend with Uncle and all the sacrifices are necessary- Nope! Just like with Raven, Armstrong the Great’s gotten bored of listening to their stupidity and stabs his arm while drawing a pistol on the other general, chiding them for being Armchair Generals who don’t dirty their own hands, espousing the “necessity of sacrifice” while never making any of their own. Also, you threatened Armstrong the Great, so die. The Mighty Armstrong? What are you- oh shit, did nobody tell you about the Promised Day? Holy crap, if The Mighty Armstrong wasn’t updated then he’s still working for the Military, just sees his comrades apparently go crazy and start shooting up soldiers and setting the city on fire. Someone please update this poor man- Oh hey, it’s Brosh! Speaking of updates, someone tell this guy that his partner isn’t dead, he’s had to spend all this time thinking she was killed by Roy! [Brosh]: “That devious coward! First he murdered Lieutenant Ross and now he’s kidnapped the Fuhrer’s wife?! The man has got to be pure evil!” Ooof, even if he doesn’t know the Promised Day plan The Mighty Armstrong did know Ross was alive, he’s probably feeling a bit guilty for not telling Brosh. Fu’s off to the side, overhears The Mighty Armstrong being told about his sibling’s actions, and heads off to try and find Ling in the chaos. But he can’t sense his new Goth nature, what with Uncle giving off Big Bad Vibes underground. That have grown stronger? Uncle’s sitting in his pipe chair, lounging as machinery rumbles and pounds, disturbing mice and dogs even outside the city wait nevermind it’s not the machinery that’s making that noise. It’s the Littlest Goth with his helmet and stick, tapping out a message. Al, take you Leto-damned helmet back!

Three quick taps. Three long taps. Three quick taps. And Uncle opens his eyes. Al and the others have arrived at the cordoned off tunnel, think there’s too many to fight past. Come on guys, it’s just a couple of Military Police, you’ll be fine. That’s your only way in any case, it’s not like you can just manipulate the ground beneath your feet to make a new tunnel OH WAIT. Or is there actually another way? Oh yeah, the Third Laboratory! With only three guards at the gate too, that’ll be easy. Hold up, Ed says he has a plan- Right, I keep forgetting that he’s an official State Alchemist, he can just order them to stand aside and- [Ed]: “Oh please help me! That murderous Ishvalan Scar is trying to kill me!” [Scar]: “wait what.” [Guard]: “*gasp* Oh my, that man’s on the wanted list! Stay back little boy, we three Muggle Soldiers will tell this murderer of multiple State Alchemists to surrender!” [Ed]: “Mwahaha!” [Guard]: “Aaargh! No, our consciousnesses! We need tho-” Man, Ed can be a jerk when- [Beard]: “...that was a mean thing to do.” [Ed]: “Aw shut up, c’mon.” No, sorry Ed, but I’ve got to side with your old man on this one. Meek nerds in labcoats cower as our heroes brush past them in the hallways, until Ed finds the poorly-transmuted doorway and oh for Leto’s sake do you have to put tacky demons or skulls on everything you Transmute, you deranged midget? Anyways Ed made a new door, let’s continue. Oh yeah, I remember how Roy’s Crew had to split up to take both hallways last time. So how are the groups getting split? Apparently Beard leading one, and ooh Ed has to travel with Scar. Ed’s not happy with this, especially when Beard raises the valid but still condescending point that Scar could still fight against Uncle when Ed’s power was shut down…. Wait. Wait wait wait WAIT. Did you… did you seriously never get any lessons in Alkahestry? Not a single one? Dude. You KNEW that Uncle could shut down your conventional Alchemy. The whole POINT of tracking down May and Scar was to get lessons from the little girl. And you learned NOTHING of the discipline? Wow. Just, wow. So our Protagonist gets saddled with the repentant murderer because he’d be curbstomped on his own. Meanwhile Beard takes… nobody? Because he’s already so OP? [Beard]: “On second thought…” [Lan Fan]: “Huh?” *Old Man Flirt Mode Engage* [Beard]: “It wouldn’t be a bad idea to have a bodyguard, so I might as well take the young lady with me.” Somewhere Fu and Greedling feel rushes of protectiveness and anger about lecherous old men. After the groups separate and the Chimeras grumble about the “pervy old man”, Beard actually take a moment to Iroh at Lan Fan, lets her go to search for Ling. And like that she’s off, and Beard’s on his own. Oooh, shit. That’s the Golem Room. An officer’s just barged in with a labcoat running after him, shouting about how they haven’t been tested yet. But Officer thinks there’s no better test than a field test, and starts pulling levers. Tubes of liquid and shattered red stones start glowing, the pipes make a heartbeat sound, and red sparks OH LETO NOPE NOPE NOPE I did not need to see eyes pop up on their foreheads and AAARGH they’re all screaming nope nope nope Cue lots of dramatic head turns from characters at The Hell Is That Noise, and fade to black. Grrrrreat. This is going to go swell, I’m sure. End credits. Jeez. So on one hand, this episode had me grinning like a loon as characters came back from offscreen in awesome ways. On the other hand, that noise is going to give me nightmares tonight, and I really, really don’t want to see those creepy Golems moving.

[celinamarniss]

Notes for Two Smugglers Walk Into a Bar

Hey! The very first fic I ever posted! I wrote this for a Mara Jade fanfic exchange hosted by operaticspacetrash, who provided the prompt: "Mara and Han trade smuggling stories and gripe and coo about our favorite Space Twins." I'd been writing bits and pieces of what would become Legacy, but I don't know if I would have ever had the guts to post it if this fanfic exchange hadn't come along and nudged me into posting fic for the very first time. Once I cleared that hurdle, I finally had the confidence to join the fandom and write the fics that had been only living in my head.

(I miss operaticspacetrash! I have so much gratitude to her for running the exchange that got me here in the first place.) 

I've said this a million times, but I'm such a sucker for the Mara and Han dynamic. It lives more in my head and in fic than it ever did in the books, though they have scenes here and there in "canon." He does call her "kid" in the books, like he does Luke; I didn't make that up. 

lol at Han's description of Karrde as "kind of a strange guy." 

I first revealed my obsession of non-character Jysella Terrik! We have no evidence of her doing anything ever, except marrying Booster, giving birth to Mirax, and dying. Everything else is my invention. My pirate queen! 

I don't think this story makes much sense with Han's backstory as stated in the movies, books, or nu!canon. I was aiming for Legends canon, but you gotta squint real hard to make it work at all. Not to mention I don't think Jysella and Han's paths would have crossed at all, or in this sort of scenario. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  It's fake and in space and I don't care about canon I do what I want. 

Mara’s backup at the bar is Moranda Savitch. Moranda is one of Zahn's lovable rogues that shows up in a couple of stories and fairly prominently in the Thrawn Duology. A chain-smoking, whiskey slugging, fast-talking, older woman who always cons her way out of a tight spot? Yes, please! (smoking is bad, kids. so is alcoholism). I put her in The Death of Jabba, too. 

This story may be from Han's pov, but it's clearly a love letter to abandoned EU ladies. 

In case it wasn't clear, everyone thought Han was flirting with Booster. Han, if the shoe fits...

Coming up with a heist is fucking hard, even a sketchily related heist re-told by a tispy Han. I love heists, but I think writing them may be beyond me. 

My writing has definitely improved since I wrote this, though I don't think it's terrible. It's got banter and a heist! 

[racefortheironthrone]

Thoughts on Powers of X #5

Didn’t quite catch up to Hickman, but I’m still going to get this done!

Can It Be Done?

Let me say off the bat that I think this is definitely the weakest of the HoX/PoX issues I’ve covered to date, although I still think there’s some useful stuff to be mined from here.

Starting with Xavier’s meeting with Forge: Hickman said in an interview that Forge being in his 90s X-uniform was an error, which suggests that this scene is supposed to depict Forge in his popped collar/short-shorts look before he joins the X-Men, which would make sense what with the meeting happening at his Dallas holographic house. (Although Xavier being in his X-movies wheelchair confuses the timeline some.)

Moving on from that, the bulk of their conversation revolves around the logistics of a fifth-generation Cerebro unit - which given that the specs we get later are for the seventh generation, makes me wonder what happened to the sixth.

Xavier claims that the first iteration was “solely my design” but that versions two through four were “Henry McCoy’s doing.” Is he hiding Moira’s involvement here?

We learn that the shift in primary function from location to copying didn’t happen until the fifth generation, which should give us a rough cutoff of how far back resurrections can go.

Forge identifies three key issues: storage, power, (namely, that they would need “an unlimited power source and unlimited storage”) and redundancy. More on this when we get to the infographic.

Xavier wanting five-fold redundancy is another example of five being a recurring number in HoXPox.

The solution to Forge’s issues turns out to be a combination of mutant technology and Shi’ar technology (notably antimatter engines and logic crystals...more on that in a bit), which Xavier seems quite smug about. Presumably this is due to his relationship with Lilandra - a lot of X-tech from the early 90s used “Shi’ar” as their technobabble of choice - but, given what we learned about Shi’ar in Moira’s Ninth Life using mutants as imperial subalterns, I wonder what their broader political interest is.

On a more general note, Xavier is being really manipulative throughout this discussion, but he barely needs to be, because Forge is always going to go for the technical challenge of pulling this off than the broader ethical questions of whether they should.

Cerebro Infographic:

Here, we learn that the current version of Cerebro is Version 7.0 - so at least two major updates beyond what Xavier and Forge were discussing.

The two main differences seem to be that, A. the new system is portable (hence why Xavier is always wearing it in HoX), and B. it no longer relies on Shi’ar power in favor of a Krakoan No-Space vent. This suggests a concerted effort to ground the new Krakoan culture on mutant technology without relying on outside sources (even allied ones).

Speaking of my earlier thinking about Krakoan biomachinery and cultural heroes, Forge will probably go down in the mutant history books for starting the Krakoan scientific revolution and directing it down firmly biological rather than mechanical lines. 

A sign of how sci-fi this all could get is that he’s accomplished the astonishing feat of harnessing a “Krakoan No-[Space] Vent” to provide “an unlimited power source for mutants living on the island,” even before the revolution begins. At the same time, if my hunch about where the power is coming from is correct, it might not be the best idea to use literal hellfire to fuel the engines of your new society.

One sign that Krakoa isn’t at technological autarky yet is that they’re still reliant on “Shi’ar logic diamonds” as the “primary choice for data storage.” This raises two interesting questions: first, who has possession of the digitized Sinister database? And second, is this the technology that Doctor Gregor seems to have gotten her hands on in X-Men #1?

As with The Five, this infographic sets up story hooks by establishing points of vulnerability: the system requires a weekly three-hour backup and a yearly hard backup “during which the process cannot be interrupted and Xavier cannot be disturbed.” This creates opportunities for things to go haywire while Xavier is looking the other way.

There’s a bit more on the issue of downloading the wrong mind into the wrong body, although here there’s more of a suggestion that it would usually be fatal...unless you have a mutation that would allow you to survive. Dunno what kind you’d need tho.

We also learn that skilled telepaths can replace their own minds with previous versions (presumably outside of the resurrection process)...and that Xavier’s done it twice. When he did that is an interesting question, because there have been a couple instances in which Xavier has had to switch bodies, which may have prompted his downloading.

Finally, we learn that the backup locations are really spread out: one’s on Krakoa Pacific, one’s on Krakoa Atlantic, one’s on Octopusheim, one’s on the Mind, and one’s with Moira in No-Space. So definitely trying to spread this system out so that it can’t be easily destroyed.

For the Children:

Finally for the best part of the issue, Emma’s recruitment scene. As befits Emma’s personal idiom, the meeting takes place at the Louvre, as Emma contemplates the Winged Victory of Samothrace. An omen of victory or of the glory of a lost civilization? 

Charles’ three-piece-suit and Cerebro is suprisingly dapper. 

Speaking of Hickman and character voice, Emma Frost is clearly a character that Hickman just gets on a bone-deep level, and despite all the claims that HoXPoX is all exposition and no character work, this scene really is a tour de force for the woman that Emma Frost has become since New X-Men.

Notably, Emma Frost is here to ask some of the big meta-questions in her usual acid-tongued way: is the Krakoan project “heroic” or “reckless” or “both”?

We can see from the jump that Charles is interested in “the Hellfire Corporation” as “an international prime mover;” he wants Emma as the lynchpin of his economic/geopolitical blackmail system.

In order to get Emma - who’s still pissed about what happened with Genosha, as she has every right to be - to sign on the dotted line, Xavier needs Magneto to make the argument that only he can make about this being the opportunity to “make right all the things that went wrong” by using the resurrection system to reverse the genocide.

This is where I start to wonder about Sinister and timeline issues - Magneto talks about getting mutant populations from 198 to 100,000 to 2 million in the space of a year as being “woefully behind” schedule, which makes me think that Xavier and Magneto were primarily concerned with getting their system not only active but in mass production before ORCHIS or anyone else could stop them.

Emma asks the meta-question, “what’s going to make it different this time?” And we don’t really get an answer - beyond showing us the sweeping vistas of Krakoa, we don’t really learn what Emma saw that convinced her this could work, although we do get the more important character beat that explains that Emma gets on board “one more time, then, for the children.” At her core, Emma Frost is a teacher who will fight for the next generation of mutants.

At the same time, it’s not like she doesn’t like money...so the new Hellfire Trading Company will handle the international distribution of Krakoan wonder drugs with a fifty year monopoly giving them a quite lucrative world-wide market all to themselves. I will have a lot more to say about mutant economic policy in the future, let me assure you. 

Interestingly, Xavier considers the “real matter at hand” to be getting the Hellfire Corporation representation on the Quiet Council (most likely out of an enlightened self-interest basis that you don’t really want that kind of mutant socio-economic power on the outside of the tent pissing in when they could instead be given a stake in Krakoa. It’s all very Hamiltonian.

I love the reaction shot when Emma learns that they want to bring Sebastian Shaw back from the dead to “run the black-book operations into countries who reject our sovereignty.” My guess is that Xavier and Magneto look at it as Shaw being a disposable and deniable asset who they could easily throw to the wolves if they get caught drug/mutant-smuggling. We had no idea, rogue actor, will face Krakoan justice, etc.

Finally, we get some good setup for the upcoming Marauders #1: Emma wants a third seat for Kitty Pryde (no matter what the actual title is), whose job it will be to “get the drugs in, get the mutants out.” Speaking of geopolitics...it surely didn’t escape people’s attention how many of the non-friendly nations had coastlines?

Quiet Council of Krakoa:

I don’t really want to spend any time discussing the Quiet Council here, because we get the reveal in the next issue. This is one of the few times where the whole delayed reveal through redacted infographic thing just did not work. 

Hhowever, we do get a sense of future political conflict with “there is some debate as to whether this council will continue in perpetuity or if some other system of government will replace it.”

Xavier Reaches Out:

This is a bit more interesting: here we see the other speech that Xavier gave, the one that went out to mutants rather than humans. (Somewhat annoyed that we don’t have a clearer timeline on this.) As we might expect, Xavier leans heavily on the unity message: “now is the time to put aside all differences and realize we are one people.”

And we see the “invitation” being extended to any number of groups that Xavier has had issues with in the past: Exodus and the Acolytes, Mister Sinister (who’s killed off the other SInisters and walked off with the database...I guess because Xavier’s message set off the psychic “reminder”), Omega Red (who we haven’t seen much of), and Gorgon (only slightly more).

But the meat of this is Namor, who’s the only one actually having a conversation with Xavier. Namor comes off very Nietzschean, implictly describing himself as one of “those beyond” good and evil, and arguing that anti-mutant bigotry ultimately stems from ressentiment. 

At the same time, Namor’s reason for rejecting Xavier’s offer raises the question of whether Moira fully “broke” Xavier of his original philosophy. 

In the Year One Thousand...

Ah yes, X^3. In retrospect, a lot of this could have been more compressed, if that wouldn’t undermine the six-part structure.

Here we really get into the ambiguity of ascension: in order to “ascend,” homo novissima have to divorce their minds from their flesh - only their minds will be saved, while all that lives will be destroyed in fire and lightning. It’s very Gnostic, if you think about it.

Nimrod really goes into Exposition Mode to lay out what Hickman is getting at:

emphasizing how all of these scales end up suggesting an endless ladder of “self-improving, self-replicating machines" - it’s turtles all the way up and all the way down.

Kirbons is a nice touch.

I’ll get into Titan theory come the infographic, but I’ll reiterate that these intelligences don’t seem to be acting very intelligently: “we reached beyond ourselves to to build a world-mind and attract a...protector...instead we attracted a predator.” Predation and consumption sounds way more Jack London nature-red-in-tooth-and-claw.

Types of Societies Infographic:

Titans being “isolationist” is a bad sign, until you realize the alternative.

When Hickman talks about a “Type O” on the Kardashev Scale, I think he’s referring to a “Type Omega-minus” (a civilization that can control “the basic structure of space and time”), since a Type Zero civilization isn’t nearly advanced enough to fit this group.

Strongholds aren’t isolationist but “warring factions seeking to actively destroy or absorb other Strongholds in order to achieve Dominion status...expansion and conquest are the altar at which Strongholds worship.” Two rungs higher than the Phalanx, and we’re still talking about imperialism...

Only with the Dominion are we told (not shown) a civilization that’s truly godlike. The fact that they feel threatened by the Phoenix is definitely going to come back; Hickman loved playing around with Galactus on his FF run, so I can’t imagine he wouldn’t want to take a swing at the purple guy’s opposite number.

[nitro-nova]

So I just played Dungeons & Dragons and it was miserable.

The DM (”Lars”) and my other party member (”Jason”) spent the whole game mocking a level 1 rogue for not being strong?

Said other party member's character is basically a woman hater. It wasn't very long before he was making jokes about my character "noticing his character's penis."

Our first quest took place in a dark cave with dwarves tasking us with dealing with slimes. I had asked them questions to gather intel about these enemies. The claim was that "We tried cleaning them like stains, but they gathered up into a larger enemy. It even swallowed our mops. We're too weak to hit them with our hammers.”

So I thought, "the enemy must be resistant to any piercing damage, so my arrows won't work. But I might be strong enough to wield a hammer." Then I thought, "There's another party member here who is much stronger than me, so if he has the hammer, he can dispatch the enemies sooner."

Jason refuses to take the hammer. He insists on using the axe, which does slash damage, not bludgeoning.

The slimes are actually supposed to duplicate if you attempt this. Lars decided to ignore this. Then the enemy swung at Jason. Turns out, these enemies are absurdly strong. So they swung at Jason for lethal. It's going to fucking ONE-SHOT K.O. him. Obviously, we had to ignore that, too. Jason of course believes he doesn't need the hammer. Of course he doesn't, especially if we're going to bend the game in his favor whenever it backfires on him. Lars even tells Jason to turn his axe so that it effectively works as a better hammer.

His character is so unbearably antagonizing to mine throughout the entire game, that I'm just utterly tired of dealing with it. The straw that breaks the camel's back is that Jason discovers a dagger (for rogues) that is seems important, maybe even magical. We later find out that Jason can't even use this dagger without being shocked. It was clearly intended for the rogue. Jason keeps it for himself. Jason is a stand-out team player and i look forward to more of his shit. Lars eventually is begging Jason to just give me the thing since it is of no use to him.

The next room contains a gem. We both roll perception. My character detects an unusual warmth around the gem, which I believe to be a trap. Jason's character detects nothing, but because Jason the player heard the conversation about the unusual warmth, his character is bizarrely doing investigation rolls. I point out that he's playing according to meta rather than actual roleplay, but he just tells me to shut up. I try to preserve what Role Play there is left of the game by telling the DM I am standing back and pretending that Jason's character noticed me standing back.

Apparently, because my irritated character didn't warn his, I will later get scolded for not being a good team player. In that moment, I believe it and apologize, and then later realize that I didn’t deserve that at all and had nothing to apologize for.

Lars simply divulges at this point that the gem is actually an instant-kill explosion. Even though I'm standing back, I apparently would have to roll a 26 to dodge it. So we would have died if the DM hadn't made the dwarves intervene. I try to explain to them that I'm going nowhere near it because it's a trap. Lars does some pretty good acting by doubling down on the righteous indignation of the dwarves. It's a pretty solid act.

Oh, and get this, there are no accessible health potions until you complete one of the other quests. Why the fuck would someone design a campaign that doesn't immediately provide access to health recovery?! I have NINE HEALTH POINTS and everything can kill me in one hit!

So, here comes the shittiest part, it's the part that makes me completely check out of the entire game.

This entire campaign is taking place in a mining area/archaeological site. I'm a wood elf with sight capabilities, and presumably some decent hearing, too. Point is, it's dark. If you were to look at the map, it looks like a central room with small hallways that reconnect at other parts of the map. It's clearly built for stealth, something that we haven't had an opportunity to attempt, this entire game.

The dwarves are not warriors, they are archaeologists. They are frail little shrimpy fellows. They had explained that orc bandits had harassed them before, and that they were going to try to bribe the orcs away with the contents of a room barricaded with collapsed boulders that apparently needed 15 hours of man labor to clear (????) Anyway, we hear footsteps that indicate that the orcs are back. They actually come all the way to the big room in the middle of the map and start resting.

I think to myself, "If we engage in battle, the dwarves that just paid us could get hurt. We need to get them out of here safely. We need stealth." PRETTY REASONABLE, RIGHT?

Guess who hates the plan. The two guys basically moan and groan because once again I'm not enthusiastic to engage in combat. I mean, it's not like I had the wrong idea?? I'm a rogue, and the enemies swing for almost twice my health points. So, I imagine I'm reasonable to be apprehensive about three orc bandits and a possible civilian casualty situation. But they hate the idea of doing anything but straight combat.

My plan is this: There's a nearby corridor that will take me and the dwarves all the way around so that we can escape. But that's still risky as one of them could spot us. So I instruct Jason (and he absolutely hates it when I tell him to do anything) to take the back corridor to the other corner and stamp his hooves (he's a centaur) so that the enemies are distracted in that direction.

This should give me and the dwarves the opportunity to slip past. We have a third player (controlled by the DM but he gave up on it two seconds in) who I instruct to follow the orcs into the distraction corridor. I'm basically orchestrating a pincer maneuver while escaping with terrified civilians. I might have been able to come back and use the arrows to keep the orcs in that tiny corridor, maintaining the pincer attack. It was a rescue and combat strategy that I thought had a serious chance of working.

After much explaining and insisting and pointing out the dwarves, they "agree" to the plan. Jason moves to the other end of the hall and rolls to stamp his feet.

17. He rolls a success. Meaning, the plan should work as intended.

Lars does this:

"Jason stomps his hooves and the noise echoes everywhere. The orcs get up, alerted, not knowing where the noise is coming from, and they spread out. One of them starts moving toward Nitro."

Lars, the DM, deliberately sabotages my plan, despite the success roll, simply because he wanted an encounter to go his way. I mean, "majority rules" since Jason only begrudgingly agreed to follow my plan, so I guess I'm the asshole? I try to scramble for a backup plan, like retreating into the corridor, or sending Muten to do something desperate last-effort, because Lars deliberately fucked my plan over.

But they give me more shit, so I just check out at this point. The dwarves are right next to me, but I engage in my sneak attack arrow shot. Lars won't even let me deliberately shoot an arrow to cause a second attempt at a distraction, "because the orc will see the arrow so you have to engage in combat just do it, Nitro."

It deals shit damage, of course, because I'm a level 1 rogue against 3 orcs, but it's a sneak attack (my only one that I have) so it doubles and apparently this kills the orc. From then on, combat proceeds like normal, just shooting arrows and swinging axes without anything interesting about it. Except that Lars later basically calls us cowards for striking from the dark.