#our group was 2 people 1 month into the job (me & i cant remember his name ;-;)

[doctorwormcore]

I FOUND ANOTHER AUTISTIC WITH EDS at the conference!!!!

She clocked me immediately and said "You either have eds or you're 16" and i laughed and said "I'm 27 but we're investigating hEDS"

[tarosin]

the great adventures of y/n tubbo jack niki and wilbur - racing across the sea

requested: yes/no

part 8 of the great adventures series

warning: cursing, anxiety about the sea

ever since the argument you and tubbo had become inseparable, he practically lived with you and your parents at this point, and your community was loving it. everytime one of you would stream, tens of thousands of people would tune into your stream to see what madness was going on and today was no different. the pair of you decided to stream a laugh and the stream ends challenge. safe to say you ended up changing the rules several times, you even made ranboo join the stream so you could have extra lives. not long after the stream ended you, ranboo, and tubbo practically dominated the twitter trending page. today however was tubbos last day at yours and shortly after you ended stream, the pair of you headed out to the train station so you could make sure your best friend made it onto the train safely. after you said your goodbyes, you decided to facetime jack on your way home to discuss vlog ideas, and just to talk to him, as you had been rather busy this past week going over plans with ranboo, tubbo, and all of your parents about the uk trip that was happening pretty soon.

a few days later, it was finally time to go film the vlog. you couldn’t exactly lie, you weren’t exactly looking forward to this, as you were told it had something to do with the sea and boats which oddly enough didn’t mix very well with your fear of the deep sea. you had no idea what’s down there and you didn’t want to find out, but hey at least you’d be with tubbo.

your parents offered to drive you there so you didnt have any additional stress from having to get a train then a taxi, this allowed you to have a pretty quiet journey to meet up with your friends. you sat in the back of the car on facetime with tommy who was the only one who knew about your fear and was rather confused as the why you would agree to do such a thing

“i’ll never understand what goes through your mind, you’ve got this though! you’re going to be completely okay, plus you never know it might help you get over your fear, you did tell me you had been working on getting over it.”

“I suppose you’re right, it can’t be too bad. I mean I love the sea. I just don’t like what’s deep down, you feel me?”

“i understand mate, but you need to remember jack wouldn’t put you in danger. as much as he acts like he would, and even if you do fall off the boat or some how end up in the water, you won’t automatically end up at the bottom of the sea. just try to enjoy yourself, yeah?”

“...yeah”

“call me when you get home you can tell me all about what happened, afterwards we can record a minecraft mod video.”

“of course, boss man.”

“you hang out with tubbo too much, you should hang out with me a lot more.”

the car pulled into the car park and within a minute of the car stopping tubbo was at the window shouting your name.

“right tommy, i should probably go, ill see you later bud!”

you said goodbye to your parents as tubbo opened your car door for you.

“what a gentleman, thank you, tubbo.”

“anything for you, now let’s go. jack began filming the intro and i really want the hat hes wearing.”

“you’re ridiculous.”

he stood with his arms crossed shaking his head, pretending to be offended before walking off with you not far behind him.

you stood with niki and wilbur as tubbo went off filming some of the intro with jack. the three of you stood talking about how you have all been and discussing more plans for your meetup.

“y/n, go control your friend, he’s stealing a hat!”

you ran up behind tubbo and stole the hat from him, putting it on your own head.

“why have you got the hat now?”

“i am now captain!”

“but i wanted to be captain!”

you and tubbo stood arguing back and forth over who was captain, ignoring jack trying to get the pair of you to stop.

“you have 5 seconds to stop arguing or you’re being separated 5...4...3...2...1 right.”

“jack no!”

jack pulled you aside claiming he has something really important to ask you.

“so did you bring something valuable?”

“yeah i did actually, i brought tubbo and the necklace tommy gave me for my birthday last year.”

tubbo overhearing the conversation walked over telling you both that he also brought a valuable item, in fact it was a family heirloom.

“i brought an urn.”

“why would you do that tubbo? what the fuck-“

“you two do realise if either of you lose it had to go in the sea?”

“poor grandma.”

“aye about that you will have to pry that necklace out of my hands in order to throw it in the sea!”

the three of you went up to wilbur and niki where wilbur stole the hat you stole from tubbo, and you were told that you were all about to race to the isle of wight.

it was unfortunately time to board the boat, you sat next to tubbo, so that you felt like you had some sort of control with what was about to happen. the others sat making jokes about what was going on whilst you were trying to get control of your breathing. as you all set sail, you thought you were doing a good job of hiding the fact you were potentially about to have a panic attack as no one seemed to notice, or so you thought. considering the fact tubbo was your best friend, he instantly noticed something was wrong and wrapped an arm around you, and decided that distracting you would be a lot better than making you focus on what was currently happening.

“hey y/n, i have an amazing idea for when ranboos in the uk. a 4 month sleep over.”

“heh?”

before you had time to fully process what was going on, all you could hear was wilbur now claiming to be captain then going on to tell you why portsmouth is called portsmouth. you couldnt help but laugh at the random things he was coming up with since he put the captains hat on.

“that is a cinema..i’ve been in this industry for a while now, isn’t that right?”

it was silent for a while until niki tried to steal the captains hat, but was unfortunately unsuccessful .

“maybe next time niki.”

“thank you for believing in me, y/n.”

you pointed out a castle which ended up with wilbur talking about how the planned executions there .

“are they dead?”

“...tubbo of course they’re dead. what kind of question was that?”

the other boat began getting closer to the boat you were all currently in, indicating that it was almost time for you all to split up into two groups.

“my boat is going much faster.”

“that is a sign of pollution.”

“wow jack you’re polluting the world, i hope you’re happy!”

the ride was pretty chill until jack asked what he had lost in the past.

“past relationships.”

“the love or host.”

“laugh you lose streams.”

“the waterslide races from when we went to the water park.”

you and tubbo continued listening things that jack had lost.

“okay. so i’ve lost a few things.”

jack looked towards the other boat.

“however, you two are about to lose each other.”

“excuse you?”

“no, y/n is mine!”

eventually wilbur had enough and picked tubbo up and took him to the other boat with him.

“TUBBO!”

“Y/N!”

you and niki sat laughing as jack and wilbur bickered about who was going to win the boat race. whilst jack was distracted, you felt niki tap your arm and told you to look over to the other boat where tubbo was reaching his arm out to you so you could quickly swap boats.

you quickly got into the boat and sat next to your best friend, tubbo knew you were still slightly nervous, so made it so you would be sat in between him and wilbur so you would feel a lot more comfortable. a few minutes later, your boat began to set off and all you could hear was a mixture of tubbos laughter and jacks yelling getting quieter the further you went.

“AY THEY CANT START WITHOUT US!. AND THEY GOT Y/N, WHEN DID THEY GET THEM?!”

you turned to face wilbur who pointed towards a building before announcing that it definitely belonged to the the three of you, and was renaming it reddit gold.

“reddit..reddit gold, are you serious?” you said through your laughter, the three of you sat together taking turns narrating what was happening .

“go on, y/n.”

“if this capsizes, were all drowning.”

“cheerful as awful.”

“do you think sharks are beneath us?”

“i’m not even answering that question.”

you looked over your shoulder to see that niki and jack were catching up to you all.

“i hope they don’t overtake us, otherwise it’s bye bye tubbo.”

“and grandma.”

“excuse you, tubbo?”

“he’s claiming that he brought an urn with him and if we lose our valuable item gets chucked into the sea.”

a little while later jacks boat was next to yours and you and wilbur started to shout how it was like romeo and juliet.

“y/n, you studied this at gcse a while back, yell some quotes.”

“tubbo i didn’t listen to the teachers.”

“do it!”

“no!”

wilbur continued to talk to the others whilst you and tubbo sat bickering about William Shakespeare .

“tubbo my favourite character was benvolio and he fucked off halfway through.”

“what do you mean he fucked off?”

“he literally disappeared.”

wilbur was genuinely questioning what he was listening to he slowly turned around and tried to catch your attention; however you were currently in the middle of a debate about why benvolio disappeared, which was that last thing you expected to be doing on the boat. eventually your debate died down and you looked up to see wilbur shaking his head at you both, clearly confused as to why you spent 5 minutes arguing about romeo and juliet. an idea came to wilburs mind as he started laughing and pointing at the sea.

“drink some seawater, tubbo.”

you looked away as tubbo reached into the water trying to hold as much water as he could before bringing it to his lips and drinking the seawater.

“tubbo did you really just-“

“more tubbo!”

tubbo did the same as before, however this time brought his hands towards your face.

“drink it, y/n!”

“yeah, y/n, you can help desalinate it.”

“how wonderful, i’ll pass though.”

tubbo looked at you pretending to be upset and lifted his hands towards you again, this time you gave in and drank some of the water.

“thanks, tubbo, I can now only taste salt.”

jack noticed what you and tubbo were doing and looked at wilbur confused.

“im making them drink seawater!”

“what’s it like?”

“potassium!”

“salt.. a lot of salt!”

you checked your phone as you kept receiving multiple messages from tommy trying to get your attention, forgetting that you were currently on a boat with the others. you looked up from your phone to see tubbo drinking more seawater.

“AGAIN?”

you had no idea what was going on for jack and niki, but it sounded a lot like they lost hope as jack yelled asking if there was room for him on the boat while tubbo sat flipping him off in response to his question. jack continued to yell at the three of you however none of you could hear what he was yelling, so you kind of sat just nodding your head in agreement to what he was saying. wilbur pointed out that he could see the finishing line and how it looked like you were all going to make it. you looked over to see jack and niki recreating that one scene from titanic tubbo looked at you smiling, trying not to laugh.

“absolutely not one of us, if not both of us, would end up in the sea.”

the boat began to go significantly faster. at the start you were unsure how to feel, however a few minutes into it you began laughing enjoying how fast you were going.

“woahhh we’re turning!”

the boat did a loop before going straight on as fast as it could go.

“y/n, tubbo, we’re going. we’re going.”

“OH MY GOD!”

you ended up passing another boat you and tubbo instantly waved to everyone on the boat a few people waved back .

“they don’t wanna wave.”

“they know their boat is bigger than ours.”

“they could easily ram us and kill us all.”

“hopefully they decide against doing that.”

the boat began weaving resulting in you, tubbo, and wilbur constantly crashing into each other, not that any of you cared you were all having the time of your lives. you pointed at a boat which was cutting off the boat jack and niki were in .

“we’ve got this in the bag boys, victory is ours!”

your boat slowed down so it could dock.

“i think we’ve won!”

“we won”!

“holy shit we won! tubbo doesn’t have to go in the sea now!”

everyone got out of the boat so you could all wait for jack and niki to reach the dock, as the two of them approached you all tubbo began to sing.

“we are the champions my friend!”

“STOP IT!”

“i have to go into the fucking water!”

you pulled niki into a hug.

“jack you cruel man.”

“did you not have fun niki..we had a great time.”

you let go of niki and stood behind tubbo placing your head on his shoulder whilst jack explained to wilbur what was going to happen if they lost.

“oh, I thought we got to decide who was thrown into the water.”

“no no no no no no!”

“well i think considering we won..”

after a small discussion as a team, you all instantly agreed that jack should be thrown into the water, you all stood on the boat as niki argued that he cant throw her into the water. a couple seconds later wilbur walks towards jack handing him the camera before picking him up.

“are you ready?”

“i don’t think the bits that funny will, i don’t think the bits that funny!”

you all screamed and laughed as jack was thrown into the water. jack complained about the temperature of the sea as he climbed back onto the boat only to be pushed off again by you and tubbo.

“that’s revenge for trying to put us on separate boats!”

you spent the rest of the day together just hanging together as a group before you said your goodbyes.

the ride back home was you excitedly explaining what your boat ride was like to your parents, once you got home you ran upstairs to your room then called tommy on discord

“how was it then?”

“tommy it was so cool, honestly i wish you could have come with us.”

“i mean you’re coming with me george and wilbur to a water course next week, you don’t have a choice.”

“oh okay, it’s a good job i’d love to be there then, tom, also what mod are we playing just so i can check i have it ready.”

“rlcraft.”

the two of you spent a good hour talking before getting ready to film a video with charlie and jschlatt for tommys youtube channel.

taglist:

@l0ver0fj0y @etheriaaly @xx-smiley-xx @hawarun @kylobensgirl @cawcaw-pretty-thing @reverse-iak @c1loudee

[thepolipayton]

okay so since I haven't seen a lot of people talking about it, let's talk about the ✨ ableism ✨ in season 2

before I start I'm not angry at the actor for andrew, I'm sure he's lovely and I dont have a problem with him. I am literally thrilled that there are more disabled actors out there getting jobs. my problem is the way the character was written by (I'm presuming) abled people

I'm disabled! I hated the "rep" we got. it's cool to see disabled characters where we have lives outside of our disabilities because SURPRISE we do. but the ONE disabled character we got, was a fucking creepy misogynistic dickhead. on the one hand yes it's cool to have a disabled character, and yes it's cool that the character isn't treated like an infant, and yes disabled people can be dicks regardless of their disability. but on the other hand, why is the disabled character the one with these qualities

the best thing I can think to compare it to is if yall remember that weird heathers reboot where they made the heathers queer, trans, fat, biracial, etc. yes it's cool to have rep, and yes those groups of people can be dicks regardless. but we all knew instantly "hey this is really fucked up that the queer, biracial, fat people are the enemies against the het white couple and are treated as bad people". so why is it that the one disabled character we get, who also isn't white, is the one that creeps on the white girl to the point of possibly being a stalker. do you guys see why that is so fucked up. ESPECIALLY when the main characters get away with so much shit, but they focus on this one character who is being disgusting. like it literally was not necessary to make him a creep, what did it add to the plot apart from letting you mention infinity a couple of times

the second part is the fucking straws SHUT UP ABOUT THE FUCKING STRAWS JUST SAY YOU DIDN'T DO ACTUAL RESEARCH ON GLOBAL WARMING AND MOVE ON. there's a whole seperate rant in there about how they constantly blamed individual people for global warming without mentioning cooperations, but lets be honest ryan probably didnt want to upset his rich friends.

if you aren't aware, many, many disabled people have spoken up about the way trying to mass ban plastic straws is fucked up for people with disabilities who rely on straws for food or drink. some of us can't hold up cups, or eat food without it being pureed or blended, and some medications are taken by straw. I know sometimes straws have been my lifeline, they were for several months very recently. without straws we lose so much of our independence and it can actually be more dangerous to use things like spoons sometimes. imagine you easily burn and you're just trying to eat some soup but oh fuck now it's all down you and you have burns that are painful because you didnt have access to a straw. straws in general are so important to people with disabilities and sometimes plastic straws are the only straws we're able to use. paper straws fall apart too easily which isn't good for long time use, or things such as tea or coffee, or when you're on a budget and have to keep replacing them. not to mention they don't bend and are actually a choking hazard. metal straws can get extremely cold which can be painful when you're sensitive to that, they can damage your teeth and most importantly they need to be sterilized (I cant spell it I know) after each use which isn't practical for someone with disabilities, and again they don't bend. bamboo, glass and acrylic all have injury risks as well as being more expensive. compostable straws don't exactly work well when you're at high risk of having allergic reactions (which can kill you, or cost you a lot in medical fees) as well as you would need to be able to compost them safely. if plastic straws, most people's only option, were mass banned we would have to buy them for a high price, carry them around or request them specifically from wherever we were eating. that alone is inconvenient and most of the time embarrassing, but it would also add to the disgusting stigma around disabilities. you already make us do so much when we just want to go out of the house, the more things you add for us to have to remember the more likely it is that we're going to be put in a bad situation where we forget something important but hey at least we have the fucking straws. not to mention that even if businesses were required to have plastic straws what the fuck makes you think theyd comply when they cant even get ramps and door measurements right.

please do research into how the straw issue affects people with disabilities. you should be pressuring companies into looking for disabled friendly AND environmentally friendly options. not taking away something many need to survive.

and yet the politician still continues to focus on this issue despite so many speaking up about it. season 1? okay sure, there hadn't been that many people speaking up about it before they'd begun filming so maybe that can maybe be excused. so no one on that team has heard about someone speaking up? not a single one? and if not then you're telling me that not a single person could have literally just gone to google and done a bit of research and not have found one of the hundreds of disabled people who have been trying to say dont fucking do this. or on the other hand if they've done all the appropriate research needed to be able to accurately portray a politician fighting against global warming, then why haven't they stumbled across this. doesn't seem like very thorough research to me. this isn't a teen on tiktok trying to do their part and genuinely not knowing, these are people who have access to this kind of research but have neglected to do so. it's very clear to me that the writers and directors are just trying to make a shallow grab at being woke, and failing fucking miserably

I know this is very messy and all over the place, but it comes from a place of anger and exhaustion of having to keep having this conversation over and over again. this is barely scratching the surface of the ableism and ignorance present in the politician, but I'm really hoping that it can help some of you see why disabled people are so pissed off with this season. fuck ryan murphy

[prorevenge]

Dropping a bullies self worth to 0 in secondary school

Sorry this is a long one.

So some back-story,

I've always been good at dealing with bullies, and just not letting them bother me, I found it really easy to disassociate from the usual playground bullying. I'd make a joke and move on. When I was about 9 years old I had to move house and schools due to my father losing his job. And in my new school I made a couple of friends but this focuses on 1 in particular, my future bully. We got on really well, he helped me get through junior school. As we moved into secondary school now at age 11, a new kid joined and remembering what my friend (bully) had done for me, I wanted to return the favour and showed the new kid around helped him, and became good friends, he got me into Army Cadets in i different town which is where I met my (now ex) girlfriend (this story basically hinges on her). This is where my story starts.

Me and my GF were together a year and a half (roughly) through that time we'd gone back and forth visiting each other meeting each others friends usual BF GF stuff. Well my friend (bully) took a particular shine to my GF made all sorts of disgusting comments about her. "look at her tits, she'd produce more milk than a cow" "how have you not shagged her yet?" At 11 this was kind of shocking for me to hear.

I'd asked him to stop numerous times. It made me uncomfortable. She never heard some of things he'd said. Didn't want her to. Whenever the 3 of us were together he started pressuring us into "going further" as apparently everyone had lost their virginity at age 12 we weren't having any of it. Said we'd do stuff like that in our own time. he kept this up for the last 3 months of our relationship, due to that and a few other stresses at the time. we mutually decided to end it. (we are still best friends and I'm happy with that). this is where the bullying really started.

This was a bit after i'd turned 13 and he started making comments along the lines of: "You'll never get someone like her again" "Shame you never 'hit' that" "You're always gonna be a virgin now"

"You're going to die alone" etc. etc.

He did this every couple of weeks for 3 YEARS (As I said I can take a LOT of flak) he could always do this as we walked to school together, he'd helped settle into this new town. part of me always saw him as friend right up until the end. We also usually walked as a group as we'd both continued to make more friends and all lived close by.

To begin with I just said, "yeah yeah whatever, we ended it on our terms, were still friends. we just couldn't deal with all this pressure we have at the moment and want to focus on exams" or words to that effect, or just ignored him. after a few months I realised he wasn't gonna stop so I stopped asking him to stop, and started telling him. "you need to stop this. otherwise I will go to the teachers and say something" he didn't stop at this point I just keep silent. Maybe 8/9 months after us breaking up i go to the teachers say blah de blah is bullying me, saying about how I'm gonna die alone. they asked where it was happening I said on the way to school.

"i'm afraid we cant do anything about it then"

So on our walks to school now I just keep silent. Put music on, low enough to still hear the conversation. But loud enough I could selectively drown him out. after a couple weeks of this, he starts tapping me on the shoulder to get me to remove my headphones thinking Id missed a bit of the conversation. and he uses that opportunity to say the same shit again. at this point I stop taking the headphones out and just keep walking. only takes a week for him to catch on. and he starts pulling my headphones out. so I start walking on my own. away from my friends, this makes me a bit of a recluse at school. To this day I still only have 1 friend from that school (His ex who realised he was a waste of space).

For a month everything was fine. I was happy. Then he changed the time that his group of friends of walked to catch up with me. At this point I started getting physical i'd been doing army (cadet) training. But he was faster and stronger than me. so I stopped that real quick. as it just ended with me on the floor his friends laughing at me stepping over or sometimes on me. I just put up with it.

By the time I was 15 I knew something had to be done, his words had sunken in, they started rattling around my head at night.

The teachers won't / can't help, nothing I said had helped, nothing I could do would help. I got on with my work. and kept my head down. a couple people had started talking to me, one in particular (his ex) and we were chatting on MSN one night. she'd had a couple drinks with her folks in her home. we got onto the subject of my bully

His ex: "He thinks hes gods gift to women, well news flash, he's not, he's wayyyyyy too pushy, just wants his way no matter what, got cold hands, no idea what to do with his tounge, and a dick like a maggot, its tiny and he never washes it, it's disgusting"

And several other slants against his sexual prowess (something he is very proud of) well during this time we had an internal school e-mailing system, and you could send emails to EVERYONE in school, including teachers. A couple people had used this system to message the usual chain mail (like what you get on Facebook now "like this puppy in 5 seconds or your heart will explode, PLEASE COMMENT AND SHARE"). Now i was pretty computer savvy, and had used that to help people with IT work from time to time, even using their login to see what they'd done.

See where i'm going

One of these people i'd helped was my bully. (back before the bullying started) I'd just hoped he hadn't changed his password. Id taken a screen shot of the conversation with his ex, blanked out our names on Windows Paint. Logged into his account from a computer in an unused IT room and sent an email to everyone in school, saying: my name is Blah de blah, i have sent you an attachment about how truly disgusting a human being I am. I have been bullying people for years and I am finally getting my comeuppance.

It took 2 months for them to find out it was me.

​

They only found out, because I went up to my bully and told him. I wanted him to know it was me.

The punishment I got: a chat with the school police officer about what slander is and that i could go to jail for it. along with 3 dinner time detentions about 150 minutes of break time (i'd never set a foot wrong through school and had A*- B grades so my punishment was reduced a lot) I still got my dinner, I just had to sit outside the heads office during break and catch up on homework. I then had to have a meeting with my bully to try and "sort it out"

As i went in he was crying. All i said was "thats what you fucking get, for driving me and ex GF apart, for rubbing it in my face FOR 3 YEARS, I hope, no I PRAY that every woman in this school has read this and will stay away from you. I'm going to quote YOU here: 'You will die alone' " and I left.

They didn't punish me for swearing, didn't punish me for shouting. I think they were so shocked by the change in me, I am usually a very quiet timid guy. but that day I dropped my voice about 3 octaves and drove all my hate for him into what I said.

To this day (about 7 years after) he still hasn't had another girlfriend (i like to keep tabs on him through facebook) He hasn't spoken to me since. I haven't been bullied since. I've also had several relationships since. And each one has helped me realise his words were vacuous crap, born from jealousy as she stopped talking to him altogether after we broke up.

(source) story by (/u/kurekren)

[stevecoleridge-posts]

Day 6 ..Friday          Struggling .. which is why i did nt see the news or spend time on Social Media yesterday..          I thought it would be a breeze and after a little concentration id have it down .. but no , even the first part…known as lumpedy lump was proving tough , because of the triplet  walk up from the V to the 1.. and i think thats the part Jimmy Reed himself is playing…   If you ve read previous episodes you will know i refer to Honest I Do….the song.   Im learning it on a You Tube lesson , now a lot of people who think of themselves as pros , seem to think there s some sort  of stigma ro learning stuff on You Tube, but i know a French guy , of Spanish descent , who is a really hot Flamenco guitarist who has mastered nearly all the Palos , and all on You Tube  They are right, if you dedicate yourself to different songs at the same time, but it s like working form home…you need time and discipline ..and take the lessons very slowly and don’t move on till you can play it 20 times with your eyes shut..preferably standing up .. then move on up. Yesterday  was the first time i managed to do this.   There is a different tone on Social media today .. angrier , more prone to blame others, more censorious…and on one group forum i saw they were going to ban Humour..well , i don’t personally know the Group leader.. but it does nt take much imagination to know she s not someone you d want to be quarantined with.    The only thing to fear is fear itself.. well i certainly don’t think that applies in this situation, quite the reverse, the more frightened we are the less we will venture forth on errands that are not strictly necessary..i was on my way out the door , literally, when my mobile rang…it was the charming woman from the bank.. she d got my message .. id gone way over my limit.. which was why i could nt withdraw funds…She , and i won’t name her, is working from Home and sorted it all out on her laptop..no need for me to go to town..      Is nt that great?..well , I thought it was..and a good thing too,as she has not been provided with any masks..and we are talking about a Bank..if they cant get basic stuff like that no wonder the Government  are nt testing people .. they don’t have the wherewithal…it is nt as though this has nt been on the News everyday since December the something.    .I remember listening to Radio Four as i was driving through Slough, in December,… don’t ask … the M4 was closed..and i was listening to a woman in Wuhan describing how her parents were dying in the Street.. that really got my attention.   It did nt seem to get the attention of the people in charge here however, as when the inevitable arrived nearly three months later , they had done nothing to prepare for it.   The Spanish Disease is politics, it creeps into every corner of life and spreads its poison , a bit like you know what,..and in the past when people got fed up with their venal politicians there was a Military Coup , and then they realised maybe life was better before with democracy … and the cycle starts again. This model has been exported successfully to Latin America.. with the possible  exception of Mexico. and Costa Rica   Its all very well for us stodgy Northerners with our bad weather , to criticise, but Sun affects people,and when things are good they seem so much better  in the Sunshine..but something about Sunny weather produces Volatility, and an @ i won’t fix the roof as its not raining @ World View… and Italys  colossal death rate is the price to be paid .. not that it is nt sunny in China..or South Korea..but they do a lot more than just fix the roof..and to put  it down to Confucianism .. well  maybe best not to start on that.   Australia will be interesting, they have lots of sun , but its a pretty organised place ..and i don’t see them making this sort of Balls up.. also they have the experience of natural disasters,,and pulling together, and will not let Politics interfere…any country that had leaders with  names  like Abbott and Costello doesn’t waste too energy on petty politics.  The Current Classic example of petty minded, spiteful, pointless,  negative ,oppurtunism , is the  attempt on social media and what sup groups to denigrate the Royal Family organising people to rattle saucepans at a given time, because apparently the current King s father had a rather large amount of money in a Swiss Account..well, it was Saudi Money , not money stolen from the Spanish taxpayer, unlike the billions stolen by the previous administration , the PP .The idea for this stupidity was inspired by the Custom of applauding the Medical profession every night at eight o clock.. an excellent morale boosting , bringing everyone together kind of gesture..well everything has its opposite and this is an excellent way to breed more discontent and fracture an all ready pretty fractured society.. it beggars belief and you really have to have lived here to see these Barca Madrid  idiocies at first hand.   Barca Madrid is a term used to describe the divide and conquer ,us and them , attitudes that have stopped Spains progress since the collapse of their Empire, culminating in the most vicious Civil War in recent European History, and one would have hoped  that after 40 plus years of Democracy it would have disappeared , but sadly, like in the USA and a lot of other democracies , it seems to be on the increase.The anger on Social Media which results from the claustrophobic frustration of a lockdown will hopefully not boil over into something with unpleasant political consequences, which would be very sad , as after Francos death and the adoption of constitution that is the envy of many countries, Spain was a beacon of hope in the last quarter of the 20 th century… how the mighty are fallen .. one hopes not.. SPANISH LOCKDOWN DAY  7   Slept really well , but then  I remember reading that people on Death row sleep 16 hours a day so possibly not a good sign.   Last Night i watched the Spanish news ,on the main channel and things are looking up , relatively speaking, in the sense that testing has arrived ..someone, or some country, has sent several thousand, or may be half a million test kits.. which is obviously excellent news , and testing in  Galicia is going full steam ahead. There was the obligatory item about a vaccine..which I think one can take with a pinch of salt. .Military erecting field hospitals next to various main hospitals…the eight o clock applause of medical staff…all in all well put together not too desperately pessimistic, and generally not as disheartening as Facebook.. afterwards i felt like some light relief so we watched eleven episodes of 2 and half men,  in Spanish ,to cheer ourselves up before going to bed.   ..   Today i decided to live a normal day .. if such a thing were possible , so , after taking Tina for a walk i got the Old TV and DVD working and put on Marty Schwarz s Intermediate Blues Guitar Course part one…and it started raining .. so that was encouraging as it took away any temptation to venture outside.. except for firewood that is.   I worked through the course without rushing , but also without too much pausing , as i d done those lessons before, and all that repetition of Honest I do  is paying off..   On going outside for firewood i could not ignore the noise of the generator that kicked in yesterday evening, as we ve had not Sun for several days, so i decided to fill it up with diesel, and see how much 15 hours constant running had used,only half the 20 litre can to fill  up the tank…but was it full to begin with?..anyway it s very rare to have 4 days without sun , so even if it did use  13 euros of diesel  Im not going to freak out as that was expensive diesel.. and I’m entitled to use the cheaper stuff .Of cause i spilled Diesel over my hands , and shoes , and when i spent a good 5 minutes trying to wash the smell out i realised this was the ultimate anti virus test.. so i will leave a bowl of Diesel outside every time i go to town and use that as first part of the disinfection process , yet another excuse not to go to town.    My neighbour M.  rang and suggested i look at his scheme on Facebook to institute Food Deliveries , so one does nt have to go to the Supermarket in person  and infect and be infected… a good idea of course , but like so many , i don’t see it happening…I pointed out several objections , lack of drivers, expense, one would need a sort of Uber program which will probably not be ready for a year .. etc..and the Supermarkets are making so much money i doubt they need this sort of input.I promised to look at it later , which I will , as Lunch was ready.   We ve run out of  Bread ,Oranges and Chocolate, Aurora has broken a nail and the nail bars are closed till further notice…but otherwise  we can probably get through till Monday without suffering too much ..on the other hand Monday is probably the worst day to go shopping..Im toying with the idea of going to the small Supermarket, at 8 am Sunday morning, and hopefully having it to myself , as i cant face the idea of a queue. I know English people are supposed to love queueing but i must be an exception, and queuing nowadays is a High Risk Activity.    The Sun is out and i did one of the jobs from a month old to do list… pumping the water out the flooded pump room , it all went very well , and i felt  very worthy , and now , with the Sunshine it s time for a walk , with Tina , of course.   I return , feeling optimistic .. and the phone rings, i assume it s my neighbour asking if I’ve read his article.it isn’t , it s C another near neighbour, with some very bad news .  The police are in Quarantine…and the Army will soon be here. No Tobacco..as they will close the Tobacconist.  A completely different ball game  I rang M, and gave him the news…I f he d had  a kalashnikov  he d have been checking the magazine  I rang another neighbour  F, whose office is next to the Police Station , to warn him. .When the Rumour , comes to your Town , It Grows and Grows, Where it Started No-one Knows…*Robbie Robertson   I rang my source in the Town Hall G…no , it s only one cop , and he has nt got the results yet..   I rang M  again���he had spoken to his friend who is a Guardia Civil .no , it was nt a Cop it was a Guardia Civil..he also told me the Cuban woman who cleans houses had been stopped, by the Police and they checked the receipt for her shopping    I rang the first neighbour and corrected the original story        I opened Facebook .. and there was the original story , which had started a firestorm of comments along the likes of whats your source? etc as though we were in the Watergate hearings, not only that,  the people reading the story imagined it referred to Mojacar , not Carboneras , and were all frantically ringing the Police Staion , The Town Hall and each other to see if it were true.    The tones of the respective comments went from shrill outrage that anyone should suggest such a story without due documentation , to fear , to I knew this would happen, all these irresponsible idiots .. blah blah   It began to increasingly resemble an episode of Dads Army with a false alarm about a German Landing.., which Facebook does anyway    There is the Captain Mainwaring..@While i was out today making sure everyone was behaving themselves i saw these irresponsible panic shoppers,  and these people walking around without a good reason @     The Fraser .. We Re Doomed     The Air raid Warden…Its all the fault of the Ruling Class, and rules are rules etc     Jones ..Dont Panic... in a tone of complete hysteria    Pikes mother…Be sure to wear your gloves , motorcycle helmet , hazchem suit, mask..galoshes, .Do you have your hand sanitiser , all clothes must be burnt on reentry etc     By this time Auroras original alarm had been replaced by hilarity, as she was sitting by the fire hearing one side of these conversations..     I went out for some more wood and we relaxed by watching a Documentary about the Boeing 737 MAX..complete with simulation in the Pilots cockpit    The best part was the CEO of Boeing trying to justify his 30 million Dollar salary at a Congressional hearing..…i wondered what the Shareholders thought about that , i know what the victims families thought , as they were being interviewed and did nt sound too impressed

[silviasutton1989]

T.T.K. Chapter 22 “Say Cheese/You?!”

oA/N: Wow it’s been a while huh? Well in about 4 minutes it will officially be my birthday. Goodness! I remember last year being so determined to finish this be my birthday (insert face palm emoji here lol) Just one quick thing about this chapter the reason it has 2 titles is because I put a bit of an insert from chapter 23 Again hank you all for your support and if you are reading The Guest I should have Ch. 9 up before Monday I also plan to update my Masterlist soon.

Rating: Mature Audience only please

Word Count: 2700+ It’s a read...get comfy lol

Summary: With Mick captured what answers will Olivia and Liam get can they live with what the find out?/ Has Olivia finally found Boss?

The king's sleep were  chancy these days. Since his father's murder the word "betrayal" never meant so much. Now it was like a bad taste in his mouth: static and tormenting. It wasn't until Liam followed his guards into Olivia's dungeon that his nightmares finally became reality.  The sight alone knocked him back a step. There lying on a slab in a dark room was a large man riddled in small cuts from shoulder to ankle. It was the man from the photo, one of the men from the attack and if Bastien's theory was right, the man she hired to kill him. Could Olivia really do this? Could she be this dark? Would it be him on this table next? Then one question he'd been asking himself every night before sleep eventually took him, could she hate him this much?

"Why is he still restrained?"

"We were waiting for you, Your Majesty." Bastien states "He is the Duchess' henchman after all."

"Ha! I'm what now?" Mick wanted to cackle but he thought better to play this right. 

"Are you willing to testify that Duchess Nevarkis hired you to assassinate me?"

"Red? Oh...oh  yeah! That bi-- Boss hired me. Just look at what she did to me after fouling up the job. Just let me go, please and I'll tell you all the things she paid me to do to you." 

"Your Majesty what are you doing?" Bastien cautions watching as his king struggles to unleash the hit man.

"If you all won't release him I will."

Mick tried his best to hide the grin growing.  He was never one to leave a job unfinished and mere breaths away, freeing him no less, was one of his biggest yet unfinished jobs to date.

"Can I touch your belly?" Hana asks her hand already hovering over Riley's stomach .

"Sure but we won't feel her kick till a couple more weeks."

"Her?!!! It's a girl?!!!!!!!!" Hana squeals.

"We don't know that." Drake sits next to them at the breakfast table handing his wife a small fruit plate."Riley here is just wishful thinking, and also setting herself up for disappointment when she finds out my son is in there."

"Oh so who's wishful thinking now?" Maxwell chuckles sitting next to him  "So how far along are you?"

"About 15 weeks. We have a doctor's appointment in 2 weeks to put this debate to rest."

"Well that's just in time for my soiree."

The friends at the table all turn to see Neville standing before them shifting  from one foot to the other."I just---I wanted to invite  you...all of you to my estate for my year end event." 

"Ummm...." someone mutters as the gang all look to each other in confusion.

"Ril--I mean Duke and Duchess Walker. I would like to formally and personally invite you." He hands black envelopes sealed with boar sigil stamp. "You could come and announce whether Cordonia's 1st member of our next generation of royals will be a duke or duchess." 

"You want to throw us a gender reveal?" Riley shakes her head in disbelief "What with the whole duel and--"

"Water under the bridge. Please come. I would like to make amends for how I've treated you...all of you." looking to them with humble eyes.

"Sure. We'll be there." averting from the seething look of her husband Riley focuses on the beaming smile of Neville as he heads to the next table.

"Sure?! Riley we are not going to that party. For as long as I've known that man he's never allowed me anywhere near Cormery Isle much less that party. It's probably a death trap."

"Drake's right." Maxwell chimes in.

"Thank you... Max." Drake's eyebrow raise in surprise.

"Yeah he's going to bore us to death!" Maxwell states opening the invitation to read it while Drake face palms "We'd have more fun spending New Year's in a broom closet. Neville usually only invites 1 st born royals you know those who are next in line to their family's title. He has NEVER invited me. Once I went thinking Bertrand's invitation was for me. BIGGEST mistake of my life. There wasn't even fireworks!"

"Look I hate to say this but Neville's right. This baby, boy or girl, will be the 1st of the next generation of royals and maybe that's why he's extending this olive branch. We can't be outcasts anymore Drake. We have to mingle with these people. We can't spend the rest of out lives cooped up in Valtoria."

Before Drake could argue  Olivia was hovering before them her voice loud enough to command the attention of everyone in the room. Although everything about her outwardly looked in place her eyes seemed to say something entirely different as if her mind was worlds away.

"Good morning I know you all enjoyed the brunch. Look. I want to take a group photo so if you all would just-"

"Seriously Olivia, you could have allowed us to prepare." Madeline takes out her compact mirror checking the bags under her eyes, Tariq who's sitting next to her does the exact same thing. 

"This isn't a cover shoot. I don't have time for ....just...." Olivia lets out a huff "Everyone get up and head over here...please."  This was the courteous she could be given the fact she's spent the entire night carving Mick up like a chicken only to get useless information on Boss. Finally it occurred to her Mick was well aware of what Boss looked like so she came up with the idea of getting a photo of all the royals. 

Everyone follows the duchess to a nearby staircase and  slowly begin to get in place, Olivia moving those who would be hidden.

"Neville you have to come down at least 5 steps."

"But there's only women down there." He mutters

"I don't care I cant see you. Get Down!" 

He reluctantly does, cringing with every snicker he hears deciding to leave the staircase entirely choosing instead to stand near the banister.

"Well since you are all here--except for King Liam, are we going to wait for him?"

"No his guards said he was indisposed.   All right everyone get ready!" 

Neville ignoring Olivia steps out to face the royals "I would like to invite you all to my soiree for New Yea--"

"Let me stop you right there. I'm sure I speak with everyone when I say hard pass Neville. I'd have more fun in a broom closet then at Cormery Isle."

"Hey I said that too!" Maxwell chuckles.

"Well-- well this will also be for our new Duke or Duchess of Voltaria it will be a...a..."

"A gender reveal." Riley aides. 

"Yeah that." Neville looks off in frustration.

"The kid doesn't even have a gender yet and already you're making poor parenting choices." Olivia bites her bottom lip, vexed. It should not be this damn difficult to get a handful of people to stand still for 2 minutes. "I'll see if I can make it. Now quit moving...

"Wait don't forget to tel us when to say "cheese" so we will know to smile." Hana chides

"I don't care if you smile Just-"

"Well what kind of photo will that look like." Maxwell continues.

"1.2.3. Cheese . " Olivia quickly snaps the camera taking a quick look she sees that several men were not facing straight.

"Look. I'm only going to take this shot one more time. EVERYONE. Look this way or so help me I will gouge your eyes out with my stiletto, Got it?"

"Cheese!" everyone quickly responds.

The photo in her hand felt powerful, like an end to everything that has happened this year. Torturing Mick was cathartic in a since, Olivia had spent months being preoccupied with her mother's history and her own with the men in her life. Giving pain to someone helped release some of her own.

She's practically running through the large doors of the dungeon straight to the table where Mick was---gone.

Mick was gone. The table where he once lay stood there cold and empty. Olivia is frozen deciding that if she blinked hard enough he would still be there.

"Shit he got away!"

"No..he didn't" She jumps at the sight of Liam emerging from a dark corner of the room. "Olivia... we need to talk."

"Where is Mick? Where is he?" Olivia, hysteric and embarrassed, knew she should have came to Liam with Mick and the truth of what was going on but more than anything she wanted to figure it all out herself. To hand Boss to her king on a silver platter. To prove that neither of therm were their parents, or at least they didn't have to be. "He has to tell me who Boss is. Take me to him right now!"

"I can't do that." Liam turned away from her "I'm so sorry Liv. I'm so sorry I believed it was you behind all the attacks.

"Yeah...yeah I get it. My mom tried to kill your dad, your dad actually killed my mom. You'd be an idiot not to suspect me. But can we pause the apologies for just a moment someone in this photo is the actual Boss and Mick is the only person that can pick him out. So please wherever you have him just bring him back."

Liam didn't speak for a moment only staring away at the dark corner he entered from. 

"He's dead Olivia." the kings words slow but powerful, so much so Olivia didn't believe she heard him correctly. Liam went on explaining what happened but nothing registered, her eyes glued to her photo.

"Your Majesty I think you should consider letting the guardsman handle this."

"I think you should mind you own damn business."Mick fires at Bastien then quickly going back to his best performance of a pained man "Come on, Your Honor, let me go. I will tell you everything you didn't know about Red."

Liam's hand stayed on the latch of the restraint. He took a moment to actually look at the man laying below him.

"I'm such an idiot." Liam chuckles  " You think I don't know Liv?"

Mick nervously chuckles with the king shrugging his shoulders.

"Yeah but she has a dark side...as you can see. The Bitch is crazy!"

"Never in a million years would Liv hire you. Even if she did want to kill me, the second you'd call her "Red" would be the second you would have been fired." Liam lets go of the restraint his smile wide and full of joy.

It was Mick's turn to laugh and he did it with ease, as if he wasn't still restrained to the table in a room filled with armed guards. "You know it took Red 2 seconds to look at me and know exactly what I was up to that night. You know she's the reason I didn't get to kill you when I had the chance. Didn't even get to make back into the room because Miss. Spitfire wouldn't settle down.  I knocked her ass unconscious at least 3 times that night."

Mick laughed on as Liam took a step back hanging onto every word breathing them in like knowledgeable fresh air. 

"Now I see why people want you dead. You're a horrible King! Just some some pathetic rich kid who gets to have other men--real men-- do your dirty work. The only person with some balls around here is Red. If your going to have them kill me get it over with I'm sick of looking at you!" 

Mick became frantic, the longer the men watched him in silence the more fear crept in. But they don't move, the guards stand their ground all waiting for their king to command them.

"Oh sir rest assured these men wont harm you unless I order them to. And I have no intention on doing that" Liam states rolling up his sleeves scaling through the torture devices Olivia had left behind."I always knew Olivia had a dark side...I wonder just how dark I can be."

"...one thing lead to another..he... he told me about he did to you...and I..." Liam raised both his hands to show Olivia "I just wanted him to shut up.  I...I didn't even realize what I had done until he stopped squirming in my hands eventually Bastien pulled me off of him. The guards took him away a while ago. I’ve been waiting here for you ever since.”

Olivia takes a long breath "I was going to solve this."

They grew quite again sitting in the dark room, but soon Liam starts to laugh.

"Is it crazy that I can't be upset by this? I mean yes we still don't know who's out to get me but..." He smiles brightly at the Duchess "I know who it isn't. And that means more to me than anything." 

"Finding out I'm not the one behind the attacks is better to you than actually finding the scum?"

Liam nods his head yes as Olivia raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah that's crazy."

Liam chortles pulling her into his arms not wasting a second to crash his lips onto hers. She could feel the kiss growing and took a step back to catch her breath.

"One of these people are actually out to kill you." She shakes the photo in his face trying her best to look serious knowing she was blushing. He takes a second to look at but then tosses it onto the barren table, cupping her face in his hands looking deep within a eyes.

" Yes but it wasn't you. I don't give a damn what miserable person has this vendetta out against me. Probably someone who has been unhappy for a long time and will be unhappy long after me because they have nothing. But I have you.

Liam held her in his arms once more and she let him breath her in. This Liam, this happy person she hadn't seen in months, or ever. 

Happy.

Someone who is unhappy. 

She looked to the photo next to her. This time actually looking at it. There in the photo were all the faces she had known pretty much her entire life. All of them looking towards the camera, all of them smiling  saying "cheese"...all of them but one.

Neville.

"Oh my God! We are fucking idiots! I know who Boss is!" 

"What? Who?"

"Are you going to Neville's New Year's Party?"

"No one goes to that...you'd have more fun in a broom closet."

"Yeah but this year I think Neville is planning something more than just fireworks."

                             2 and a half weeks later

He was watching her.

she hadn't thought about that fact until she was already deep within Neville's mansion The faint music from his from his party a noticeable reminder that she is no where near safety. But she follows on making sure to stay a good distance from the masked man.

He was watching her.

She hasn't thought to question how long. How long has he been in the dark corner staring at her. Her only thought when seeing that mask, when their eyes finally did meet was that this man was Boss, it had to be.

As he turns down towards another wing of the home Olivia braces herself  realizing the man knew she was fallowing him.

She could turn back around, run and get the guards..

No. 2 weeks of trying to convince Bastien Neville is Boss was enough. She needed proof and if it wasn't  Neville, Boss sure as hell was at this party and tonight would be the very last night she'd call this coward behind a mask that name. Olivia was getting damn sick of that name. 

The man quickly turns a corner and before the duchess trails behind she freezes. This is it. Once turning this corner she would face him. Breathing in deep her feet move before her mind. She edges around the corner taking in the full sight of him standing, waiting at the end of the hallway looking directly at her.

Hiding her gasp with a gulp she walks toward him forcing down ever fear that dared to creep upon her. "Who are you?" She asks.

Without hesitation he removes his mask and at the sight her heart stops. 

"You?!" is all she can muster as if his face knocked the wind out of her. 

 His words the final nail into her makeshift coffin.  "Hey, Cherry.".

Tagging: I tag randomly so if you would like to say tagged let me know if you never want to be tagged again let me know.

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[thestuckylibrary]

Group Ask 93

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Anon 1 said:

Idk if I have sent this before... There is a fic I’m looking for, it has a Bucky and Tony friendship, Tony pretends they are in a relationship in front of Steve, Steve thinks there was something between Howard and Bucky and thinks along the lines of “I cant lose him to two Starks in a lifetime”?? Can you help me?

dolphinqueen10 and evan0uir sent in we gotta let go of all of our ghosts by hitlikehammers (oneshot | 8,089 | M)

Anon 2 said:

Hey y’all, I read this fic a while ago and I don’t remember a whole ton but I’m pretty sure it was where Steve was intersex and finds out in the 21st century after genetics are more well known???

Anon sent in Shoot the Winter Soldier by JBarts (the_physicist) (complete | 86,200 | E) - AO3 restricted, heed the warnings!

Anon 3 said:

I read this fic a while back and can’t seem to find it again so I’m just wondering if you have any idea. It was a werewolf fic and I don’t remember much but I remember that steve was an alpha and bucky was part of his pack and the other betas always accused steve of favoritism cause steve was secretly in love with bucky and gave him special treatment. sorry that this is super vague and thanks in advance

Anon 4 said:

hi, i’m looking for a fic where bucky and steve are put into some sort of shared dream where they’re normal people who are like high school sweethearts or something, and when they wake up they have to confront it? i think in the summary it mentions something about their relationship being ‘seemingly perfect’ or something. thank you!

farraige25 sent in Such stuff as dreams are made on by Odsbodkins (oneshot | 7,902 | E)

Anon 5 said:

Hi. I'm looking for this fic where Bucky goes to talk to Steve, because Steve saved his life in the war. They talk at Steve's house, which is somewhere countryside I guess. I don't remember much, but Bucky was hurt on the field because of a bomb which damaged his arm and he waited a long time for rescue. I'm starting to think I dreamed the whole thing because I never saw this fic again. It's not "Time can heal" by perfect_plan.

Anon 6 said:

Hi lovely people! Sorry to bother but I've been looking for this specific fic for ages and can't find it anywhere. It's about Bucky recovering his memories after being the WS and he thinks he was in a relationship with Steve, but they never were. I remember a very specific piece of dialogue where Bucky kisses Steve and says "I can't believe you never told me." Thank you so much!

Anon 7 said:

hey! so i’ve been looking for this touch starved fic forever and i only read it like a month ago. all i can remember is that bucky was slowly getting more and more comfortable with touching steve. also there’s this one scene where peter is there and he sees bucky touching steve’s stomach or something and his eyes go wide and he immediately leaves the room. i hope this isn’t too vague! thanks!

sevendeadlyfun said:

I’m desperately trying to find a fic and I’m hoping someone here can help. It’s a postwar survival AU where Steve and Bucky move to California and Steve goes to art school and Bucky learns to surf? Any help appreciated!

amethystkrystal and  asterisktrash sent in Malibu by glitteratiglue (oneshot | 13,065 | M)

Anon 8 said:

Hi! I’m looking for two different fics. both are in an office setting. 1. steve works as a designer at stark industries and bucky starts a job there. I remember an office party where steve dresses up as Mr. Rogers and a christmas party where bucky gets drunk and steve and Nag have to help him home. I think Nat and bucky are roommates. 2. is a oneshot where bucky stays after work and steve calls him into his office. i remember that steve was introduced as an asshole. thank you so much!!! 

Anons, aceaviatrix, and nocasualaffair sent in Proprietary Information by notlucy (complete | 85,141 | E)

Anon 9 said:

hello! uh, there was a one-shot where bucky recites steve a poem from shakespeare?? and it was about love and flowers i guess, bucky was telling steve how much he loves him and at the end of the poem bucky was proposing to steve. does it ring any bell??? i loved it so much and i would love to read it again! thank you!

[mrmagoriumswonderpussy]

ummm hi how about uh 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50??

I have no idea if this is a joke or not but I’m bored and feeling kinda numb rn so lets do this.

1: What color pen do you do usually write with? - any color on paper, i love colorful pens but usually use black or blue tbh; when i write on my hands i use black

2: Last three youtube videos? - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPAKFZ9hLbo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVOGpaGItNU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bii_dQIY2y8 (can u tell i was on a falsettos/andrew rannells kick again today)

3: What subjects does your favorite teacher teach? Is it the same as your favorite subject? - acting and hell yes

4: How many pillows do you sleep with? - usually 3

5: Favorite warm beverage? - hot cocoa or warm apple cider

6: What was the first poster in your room for? - the beatles

7: What creeps you out the most? - eyes

8: How many scarves do you own? - LOTS (i had a Phase)

9: Favorite piece of jewellery? - my chokers

10: How long do you toast your bread for? - i put it on the setting 2 or 3 and wait

11: You’re going to have a party, and anyone you invite is guaranteed to come. Who are the first 5 on your guest list? - answered this in the last ask

12: Earliest memory? - i was two and a half or three and i woke up with my reindeer stuffed animal named bambi and my favorite blanket which was a pastel pink, blue, and yellow knit blanket with holes in it and i heard loud music playing from the living room so i went to turn it off and a few of my dad’s old friends had stayed the night and had crashed on various pieces of furniture in the living room. they were still fast asleep so i turned the music off and went to wake my dad up. he asked what i wanted for breakfast and i said french toast. so we lit incense made french toast with apple butter for everyone who was still there and i pretended that my reindeer stuffed animal helped us cook and i helped flip the french toast too. everything was warm and happy and peaceful and its the very first vivid thing i remember

13: What is the oldest piece of clothing that you own? - i have a winter hat shaped like a frog somewhere in the downstairs closet that ive owned since i was like 4

14: What was your childhood stuffed animal? - a lamaze caterpillar named poozy that my mom received at my baby shower. i still have her :)

15: Childhood dream job? - veterinarian as a little kid but actress now

16: What is a recent dream that you remember? - lots and lots of nightmares ://

17: Do you often wake up in the middle of sleeping? - yeah lots

18: What was the best gift you ever received? - hamilton tickets!!!

19: What was the best gift you ever gave? - i gave my father a booklet of little drawings of all our best memories and traditions

20: What languages would you like to learn? - french i guess? idk like id love to Know spanish but i dont want to Learn spanish ya feel?

21: Pastel or neon? - ooh i love both but lately neon

22: Favorite element? - for periodic curium or iridium and for like,, the four elements water

23: Did you/do you believe in fairies? - i always did but now i like,, lowk dont have beliefs either way in stuff like that because like i dont know and nobody really Knows so why should i care ya know?

24: What does your name mean? - star

25: Does anyone hold your heart right now? - answered this in the last one

26: Biggest surprise of the last month? - finding out that david from the new normal is the same guy as riley from national treasure (im sure this isnt the actual biggest surprise i just cant think of any others right now)

27: What was your first ship? - like before i knew what shipping was i had a few but my first conscious one was exr (les mis)

28: Favourite thing to bake/cook? - ooh i like making pancakes or brownies

29: How long does it take for you to trust someone? - a frighteningly short amount of time

30: What was the last bad idea that you followed through with? - idk??? the only one that comes to mind is when i ate paint cause it was pretty but that was last year and im sure ive had bad ideas since then

31: First five things you do once you get out of bed in the morning, GO! - turn off alarm, find a flannel, put on clothes, brush teeth, wash face

32: Thoughts on dystopian novels/films? - some are good but they give me an existential crisis every time

33: Thoughts on romance? - god id sell my soul for that shit im such a hopeless romantic 

34: How do you want to die? - happy

35: Top two things on your bucket list? - perform on a broadway stage, meet andrew rannells

36: What song do you get ready to? - ooh lots of different ones, usually showtunes

37: Heels, sneakers, or boots? - boots

38: You now have 500 dollars. What do you do with it? - good things for good people

39: Favorite lyric? - right now its either “love reads like a bad biography - all the names are changed to protect the innocent” or “lovers live and die fortissimo” (both from falsettos”

40: Earliest childhood memory? - same as number 12

41: Who do you wish you could live with? - my dream is high key to get a cool group of drama-free friends and live in a cute apartment in nyc but on a completely separate side of things if my teacher and his wife adopted me that would be a good time

42: How do you balance work (school etc) and personal enjoyment? - i dont im awful at time management

43: Which teacher inspired you the most in high school? - my acting teacher (im still in high school but i can almost guarantee the answer will be the same when i graduate)

44: Where do you see yourself in 5 years time? - ideally starting college in nyc and auditioning for broadway shows

45: Think of one person you like. Now describe them in one sentence. - already answered

46: Think of one person you don’t like. Describe them in a sentence. - he doesnt realize how much his bigotry hurts me.

47: Showers or baths? - baths as a concept seem nice but i havent taken one in years so ig showers

48: What do you do when you get hiccups? - repent

49: Extrovert or introvert? - a little of both

50: Do you like caffeine? - i hate the taste of coffee tbh but chocolate or caffeinated tea is good

[shakespearean-tc]

Teacher Crush Background

Originally posted March 29th, 2019 Some background on me and A.

I know that like, I haven’t known him for 2 or 3 years like others in the community, but… I dunno I really needed to get my story out because keeping this in is so hard

He started teaching at my high school around late January. He’s small for a guy, like 5′ 5-6″. I’m almost 5′ 10″ so??? theres an issue haha but hes adorable. We’re 6 years apart? Does this even matter? Who knows.

Anyway, he began as our student teacher and I seriously thought that he was such a dork at the beginning. It was an endearing thought, but he seemed so quirky? Which isn’t a bad thing but he had sO MuCH ENERGy. hes a millenial so like he knows all of the memes and vines and omg i just- Yeah. He’s a good teacher and he’s gone through some rough stuff, but he’s just??? Such a wonderful guy.

Eventually, I found out he was a huge nerd? i was just talking about Legend of Zelda with my friend and he just literally like I swear to god, his ears perked up and he was like “Yo were you just talking about Majora’s Mask?” And i was like “Uh wow, yeah i was how tf did you-” “OMG I LITERALLY LOVE THAT GAME SO MUCH ITS MY FAVORITE”

But I guess??? I’ll just like share some times when I really was like “omg i think i have a crush” because why tf not i dunno what the heck im doing

1- This is like 2 weeks in since he’s been teaching us. We were doing an exercise so that we could work on our natural reactions, yeah? You would say a word and the other people in your group would answer with the first word that came to mind. Because in theatre, it’s really difficult to fake a genuine reaction to something and also because improvisation my dudes

But anyhow, I was bored and I just kinda was like “Trauma.” And my friend, E, goes, “PTSD” and then my other friend just yells “TYLER” and A just leaped up and was like “CONCERN?!??!?!” and so he just walked over and we were laughing so hard i could hardly breathe, but he just looked at us, slightly concerned, and my friend made some stupid comment, I cant even remember what it was but i started laughing even harder that i snORTED and he looked at me and I just went bright red and he started laughing SO HARD THAT HE WAS ALMOST CRYING and we finally calmed down and i just kinda mumbled “omg i hate my laugh that was awful” and he just smiled at me and was like “Hey, don’t. it’s real and it’s an awesome laugh. i love it.”

2- This was probably about a month in or so. Middle of February. He started out coming to class dressed like?? Really nice, and hes got long hair so he always wore it in a ponytail. He was in like slacks and dress shirt, tie, etc, etc. I always thought it was kinda cute, but then one day, out of the blue- He shows up to class with his hair down, jeans, sneakers, a zelda shirt and this really nice leather jacket- i swear to god he walked into class and i like glanced up from my sketchbook and had to do a friggin double take??? He looked like a different man??? but he looked so much more comfortable like jeez wow he looked so nice, and now he dresses like this all the time

3- One day after class, i was packing up my stuff, and it was just me and him in the classroom. out of the blue he started coughing really hard and really bad and i like dropped everything and was like “OmG ARE YOU OKAY DO YOU NEED HELP” and he just kinda shook his head, and drank some water. after a minute he turned to me, and was like “No, im ok, im okay” and i was like “okay, but??? are you sure??? that scared me” and he sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose and said “listen, idk if ill tell the rest of the class, but… you cant tell anyone about this because its embarrassing.” and i was here thinking “wtf is it??” and he says “I have Cystic fibrosis (ill refer to this as CF later on in my blog posts at some points).” and i looked at him all weird and was like “what is that” and he tells me “its hard to explain but basically my lungs dont work right and its hard for me to breathe a lot of the time.” and i just “how come ive never heard of it?” He says “Its really rare. its a life threatening disease, and i dont like to tell many people about it because i feel like they treat me like im delicate and fragile, and i dont want to be treated like that. please don’t tell anyone else.” and i smiled softly and nodded. “Okay I won’t. Just… let me know if you need help.” He smiled at me. “Thanks M. Will do. Have a good day.”

4- In late February. We were working on memorising our scenes that we had written and one of the other groups had just finished theirs. it was a very sad scene and he was like “Ouch, right in my feels. good job guys.” And he started walking out of the room, when one of the girls was talking to me and said “yeah, were gonna have her die in the end” and by now, A is out of the room, but i hear like a very soft thumpthumpthumpthump and he runs back into the room and yells “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’VE DONE THIS” and runs out, leaving the rest of us dying of laughter. (another time me and my friend were quoting vines and she goes “say colorado!” and he runs up behind up and just “IM A GIRAFFE”)

We’re really good friends, always talking after class and sharing jokes. He sometimes rants with me after school.

I guess this last one is when I realised I was… almost falling in love with him. I know it sounds so silly, but idk its nice to finally be able to say it.

This was the 1st of March. It was the night we were performing our scenes, and there was like 100-150 people in the audience. I have bad stage fright, but what you need to know is that I had a boyfriend a few years back who killed himself, and sometimes I see people that look like him, and i almost get… triggered?? Idk how to explain it but i break down. Anyway, we were backstage and I was helping one of the groups carry off their props when, for some reason, I looked out into the audience and I froze. Because in my eyes, there was a man sitting there that looked identical to my dead boyfriend. I started to shake, and I dropped the prop I was holding. Luckily the lights were almost completely out, so the audience could hardly see anything. My friend grabbed me and the prop and dragged me off stage. I got out into the hall next to the theatre and i just stood there, like a deer in headlights. the hall was almost completely empty, and my friend was like “are you alright?” i told her i was fine, and that I just needed a minute. she went back into the theatre to watch the other groups perform. i was alone in the hall now, and everything hit me like a brick. i began to get really dizzy and i started to lean against the wall. every time i closed my eyes, all i saw was that man, and i started to sob. i was shaking and i felt like i was going to die. i was already really anxious about our scene, and i was hitting the wall with my fist because i was kinda mad at myself. my boyfriend had been dead for about a year, and i got so upset with myself when i thought about it because i blamed myself for everything and i felt stupid because he’d been gone for so long. my knuckles started to bleed and thats when I heard the backstage door shut and I whipped my head around to see A there. I quickly tried to wipe away my tears and pretend like I was fine. He looked at me, and the rest went as such:

A: “M? What’s the matter? Why are you crying? Are you okay?” Me: “Yeah, I’m fine. Totally fine. Peachy. I’m great.”

I laughed and I wiped more tears from my eyes, but the salt started to sting my bleeding knuckles. I hissed in pain, and his eyes widened. He grabbed my hand.

A: “M? What… Why are your knuckles bleeding? You’re- You’re crying. You’re obviously not alright.”

I laughed again, shaking my head.

Me: “No. I’m fine.” A: “Your knuckles are bleeding. You are NOT fine. Please. Tell me. What’s going on?”

I took a deep breath, and I heard the other door open. The other group must’ve been finished with their scene. Some of the other kids began filing out and I tried to make it look like I hadn’t been crying.

“Excuse me?” I heard someone ask.

A and I both turned around. And lo, and behold. That man. was right there. I dont know his name. i know nothing about him. but he was a spitting image of my boyfriend. “Do you know when (name of my classmate) is performing her scene? She’s my younger sister, and I’ve got to get home soon, but I don’t want to miss it.” He informed us.

I turned around again, trying not to freak out while A told him that they would be on stage soon. The man went back into the theatre, along with my classmates. I was choking back tears and A must’ve noticed. A: “M? Are you sure you’re okay? You look like a deer in headlights.” Me: “Who is he? I- I don’t want to see him again, he looks like- like-” At this point in time, I couldn’t hold much back. I began to cry all over again and A sat me down against the wall. I told him everything. I told him about my boyfriend, the suicide, my anxiety, how I was so scared to get on stage, and that I couldn’t handle seeing that man. I told him all of it. When I was done, he reached for his shirt collar and pulled out a locket. He opened it, showing it to me. A: “Do you see her?” There was a young woman in the photo with A, and they were both laughing.

Me: “She’s pretty. Who is she?” A: “My sister. She passed away from CF when I was 16. I wear this locket to remind me of her and how she was one of the only people who believed in me, especially when no one else did. Everyday, it keeps me strong, and reminds me that I can go through hard things and make it out alright in the end. Now, I want you to listen closely. First of all, your boyfriend’s suicide was NOT your fault, okay? No matter what. It was his decision, and I know that he wouldn’t want you to spend your entire life blaming yourself for something he chose. Second, you have no reason to be scared on stage. I’ve seen you trying so hard to get your lines memorised and become this character. You’re such an amazing actress and you’ve no reason to feel uneasy. Stage fright is hard. It really is.” He grabbed my hands at this point. “But you are AMAZING. And you are going to be so wonderful up there on stage. I have faith in you M.”

I swallowed, and nodded, wiping my eyes. He stood up, and helped me stand up. A: “Now c’mon. Let’s go see if we can find some bandaids for your hands.” We both went to the classroom, found some bandaids and cleaned off my hands. When it came time for our scene, he wished me good luck. For once, I felt confident. I felt like I was alright. After the entire show was over, we were cleaning up the stage. My friends were waiting outside for me by my car and I went over to A. He set down the prop he was holding and turned to me, smiling. A: “You were great! I told you that you could do it!” Me: “Thanks A. I just wanted to let you know that tonight meant a lot to me. I was really upset and anxious, but you made me feel a lot better. You’re a great teacher, and I’m so glad that you’re with us.” He smiled really big. A: “Thanks M. That means a lot to me. You have a lot of potential, and I love talking with you. Have a good night.” I bid him farewell, and since then? Things have been different. We’re… friends, I suppose. We talk after class more often, we have intellectual discussions over email, we share an emotional bond. I guess that’s when I really realised I was basically in love with him. He’s one of the only people in my life who I can feel completely comfortable around, someone that I trust with basically everything. He makes me feel special and of worth, and I know it all sounds so silly, but I really adore him. Thanks for reading this whole big long post, i guess

i really like the tcc community to be honest, even though im remotely new to it. a lot of people seem really cool if you ever want to rant to me or just talk, im here to listen!

[ostrasmusic-blog]

Concert Experiences: The 1975

lets talk about this motherfuckin concert. i went to see the 1975 earlier this year in may, let me tell you this was one of my favorite concerts ive ever been to. i fuckin drove 3 hours to see these guys in WI because im a complete dumbass and didnt look for any shows in Chicago (WHICH THERE WAS SO LIKE RIP MY LIFE) im not going to lie, i originally went to the concert for my sister since she has been trying to see them since they released first album. fast forward a couple of months to the concert date and i find out i royally fucked myself in the ass. basically i was in chorus and had my spring concert that day but you already know my ass didnt go to the stupid event,,,, long story short when my teacher asked why i wasnt at the chorus concert i nearly shit my pants. -anyways back to the story- we get to the venue (the rave or eagels club something like that) and im ready to vomit. i have no clue why i guess im just a lil bitch. im pretty sure the doors opened at 6 or 7 and we got there at like 5. A HOUSE DJ PLAYING SHITTY MUSIC, A GUY TRYING TO SELL HIS MIX TAPE FOR $5, THESE PEOPLE COOKING TURTLES (deadass i wish i was joking) AND THIS GIRL WHO WAS TRIPPIN ON A SUBSTANCE OF SOME SORT. how eventful, Milwaukee is great. we get inside the venue and i see my ass got GA not VIP. now something to keep in mind is that my sister and i are only 4′9 SO OUR ASSES CANT FUCKING SEE SHIT WHILE STANDING IN A CROWD, i start freaking out and start running around this group of growing people and i spot a barricade spot on the all the way to the left. like our asses were by the equipment. we had an okay view of the stage and most importantly, my sister was happy. the concert starts out with a band called the colouring, they were really good but the only thing is i couldnt really hear them but really overall a super good band. then the next opening act was pale waves, they are dope, i was a fan. HERE WE ARE, THE 1975 ARE ABOUT TO COME OUT, LIFE IS GOOD, I GOT HIT IN THE HEAD 5 TIMES, PEOPLE ARE PUSHING ME, A GIRL IS SCREAMING IN MY EAR, BITCHES ARE PASSING OUT, AND IM GETTING MOTHERFUCKIN DIZZY AS SHIT. they come out,, they in this bitch, livin, breathin, singin, its dope. i cant remeber the setlist to save my life because i wasnt a fan at the time but shit i was vibing. it was such a chill concert. (I CANT REMEMBER A LOT OF WHAT HAPPENED AT THE CONCERT BUT ANYWAYS THERE WAS THIS SECURITY GUARD WHO WAS ABOUT TO LOSE HIS FUCKING JOB BUT THE BITCH DIDNT CARE. THIS MAN WAS MY QUEEN. HE WAS GIVING EVERYONE WATER N SHIT. SO BASICALLY HIS BOSS CAME OVER TO HIM AND STARTED YELLING ABOUT GIVING PEOPLE TOO MUCH WATER. I WISH I KNEW HIS NAME, THIS DUDE SHOULD BE OUR LORD AND SAVIOR. HE SAVED MY ASS AND MANY OTHERS) anyways okay  but ill always remember when they played Me because Matt didnt want people on their phones before they started the song, which i get so i stopped recording him and kept my phone in my hand. he then starts calling on people who have their phones out, one by one he is getting closer to the area im in and all i hear ‘put your phone away”,,,, im looking at this bitch, im not even breathing. hes pointing to me. THE GIRL WHO WAS STANDING NEXT TO ME AND I STARTED FLIPPING OUR SHIT. OUR ASSES WERE HOWLING. another song i really liked was loving someone, the lights were beautiful and i just thought the song was amazing. if you ever have a chance to, go to a random bands’ concert. it gives you a  feeling that i fell in love with. not to be that bitch but ive been to a handful of concerts so i know that if you dont want to get stuck in traffic you have to leave the concert 1 or 2 songs early. so knowing that, my sister and i left 3 songs before the concert was over. on the way to the parking lot we stop by the merch table to get some shit BUT MY SISTERS CARD JUST DOESNT WANT TO WORK SO WE LEFT EMPTY HANDED (i still cry about it). we meet up with our dad and heres an extra dumb story; my dad went to a bar to chill since he wasnt about to be driving back to Illinois then coming back to Wisconsin. hes in the bar and apparently a bunch of college students roll up in one of those tangent bikes,,, like okay what the fuck,, THATS MY EXPERIENCE, ill most likely do more of these since im a concert slut. 

-El 

[killanyone4you]

i hate asking people to ask me questions so here are my answers

this was more fun for me then it will be for you

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?  uhh my little brother maybe

2. Are you outgoing or shy? depends on my mood i think.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?  idk if this counts but i’m seeing the used in july

4. Are you easy to get along with?  yes. usually

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?  i dont drink.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?  all kinds of people. i dont really have a good answer for this. i’m attracted to people i connect with and that’s what i focus on

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? uhhhh

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?  i cant say or i’ll be heavily judged

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?  no

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?  my best friend.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?  thank you you da best

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?  like, of all time or just like, that i’ve been listening to recently? ima answer both. so my 5 favorite songs of all time in no particular order are: Something Corporate: Ruthless. Something Corporate: Walking By. Good Charlotte: Screamer. The Outfield: Your Love and Fall Out Boy: Young Volcanoes. my top 5 of all time has changed for sure but that’s it right now. and then as far as songs i’ve been listening to non stop recently also in no particular order: LP: Switchblade (also any LP). Taylor Swift: Gorgeous (also any Taylor Swift).  Post Malone: Sunflower. Selena Gomez: Back to you. I Prevail: My Heart I Surrender. also bonus jonas: any throwback Jo Bro songs and also their new song. anyway that took longer than i expected.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?  very much

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? no not really. shit happens.

15. What good thing happened this summer?  it’s not summer yet

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?   sure

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?   probs

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?   no haha

19. Do you like bubble baths?   yes. dont trust anyone who doesn’t like bubble baths

20. Do you like your neighbors?  i dont really know them.

21. What are you bad habits?   hating myself? idk i’m a hermit person who hides from the world. annddd that’s probably not the best habit

22. Where would you like to travel?   everywhere

23. Do you have trust issues?   uhhh. i like to think i dont but i probably do

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?  sleep

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?  most of it

26. What do you do when you wake up?   pee

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?   i just wish my skin was even. it’s a mess.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?   my little brother

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?  nope. they ran for the fuckin hills yall

30. Do you ever want to get married?  maybe

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?  yus

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? um... i feel like Will Farrell and Danny McBride could get the job done.

33. Spell your name with your chin. hard pass

34. Do you play sports? What sports?   no sir.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?  tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?   uh yeah. probs a million times

37. What do you say during awkward silences?  unintentionally anything and everything that could possibly make the situation more uncomfortable.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?  to answer this properly i’d have to think about it and i’m really just looking for quick answers here. if someone reads this and truly wants to know send me an ask and i’ll answer for real.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? target, the christmas tree shoppe, barnes and noble, michales.

40. What do you want to do after high school?  lol i’m old af i’ve been out of high school for 10 years yall

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?  no. some people do.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?  i’m uncomfortable or i dont know how to say what i’m thinking.

43. Do you smile at strangers?  yes. all the time and i hate myself for it.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?  neither pls both of those things are probably my biggest fears of all time.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?  the need to piss.

46. What are you paranoid about?  losing my job due to illness.

47. Have you ever been high?   yes

48. Have you ever been drunk?   yes

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?  yes

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?  grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?   yup.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?   my plethora of mental illnesses. probably. 

53. Favourite makeup brand?  i dont wear makeup much anymore. i cant say i have a favorite.

54. Favourite store?  the christmas tree shoppe

55. Favourite blog?  does anyone have a favorite blog?

56. Favourite colour?  grey

57. Favourite food?   cheese/

58. Last thing you ate?  ice

59. First thing you ate this morning?  cake.

60. Ever won a competition? For what?  i’ve won writing competitions

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? fighting.

62. Been arrested? For what?  nope/

63. Ever been in love?   i can never tell.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?   well technically my first kiss was in pre school with a boy called tommy but i’m not sure that counts. my first like, real kiss was at a smashing pumpkins concert and i was kind of seeing this guy who was one of my best friends in middle school and we were in that middle place of like, being really good friends but wanting to see if there was more. so we were there with my best friend and his best friend (who i also had a thing for dont fucking judge me) so i was laying in the grass with my head in his lap listening to one of the opening bands (i wanna say it was fuel but i dont remember) and he texted all the people with our group to ask them to leave so all of a sudden they all walk away and once their gone he leans over me spider man style and kisses me. so to be fair it was also his first kiss but it was really awkward and bad and we didn’t talk at all after, we just went back to watching the show and when my friends all came back i got up and forced them to go to the bathroom with me to tell them what happened and to ask them why they abandoned me. later i found out he was super proud of his “slick moves” and did not in any way pick up on how awkward i felt.

65. Are you hungry right now? nope

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?  i dont really have many of either so eh

67. Facebook or Twitter? facebook. i dont even use twitter.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?  ^^

69. Are you watching tv right now?   i have youtube on my tv playing music videos.

70. Names of your bestfriends?  Jerry

71. Craving something? What?  Mexican food

72. What colour are your towels?  grey

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?  1

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?  no

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?  a few

75. Favourite animal?  elephant

76. What colour is your underwear?  grey and white

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?  vanilla i guess.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?  raspberry sherbet -

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? black

80. What colour pants?  not wearing pants.

81. Favourite tv show?  Guys Grocery Games

82. Favourite movie?   The Princess Bride or Music and Lyrics or 10 Things I Hate about You

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?  .... this is a dumb fucking question. i shouldn’t even have to say the answer. if you’re in any way questioning the answer dont ever talk to me.

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?  21 Jump Street.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?  She doesn’t even go here!

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?  Dory

87. First person you talked to today?  my cat

88. Last person you talked to today?  my mother

89. Name a person you hate?   i try not to hate anyone. but i guess it’s safe to say trump

90. Name a person you love?  my baby brother

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?  kind of my mom. always trump

92. In a fight with someone?  nope i dont do that petty shit.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? i’m not sure any of my pants qualify as sweat pants. i have a lot of leggings and pajama pants.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?  a shit ton. 20 or 30. i dont really know.

95. Last movie you watched? i watched most of infinity war earlier because i was bored but i stopped about halfway thru to go masturbate. which wasn’t a result of the movie i was just horny

96. Favourite actress?  i dont really have one so i’m going to say Millie Bobby Brown because she’s a sweet baby angel

97. Favourite actor? i also dont have one but Paul Rudd is always on my mind so.

98. Do you tan a lot? no yall i’m sickly white all year round.

99. Have any pets? i have a chonky boi Pogue the black cat

100. How are you feeling?  quite indifferent rn actually.

101. Do you type fast?   i guess.

102. Do you regret anything from your past?   many things

103. Can you spell well?  nope i spell like shit,

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?  yup

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?  many. love  good bonfire.

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?  i guess.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?   yes i am... born of hillbillies. so. we ride horses.

108. What should you be doing?  dishessssss

109. Is something irritating you right now?   i had plans with my goddamn mother which i partially only made because i wanted her to bring me some things i had mailed to her house and after waiting FIVE HOURS for her to call and tell tell me she was on her wait. she never did so i finally called her and she was like “uhh i said maybe tomorrow.” UGH i wasted half my goddamn day waiting on her ass.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?  uh yes. it’s awful

111. Do you have trust issues?  you already asked this.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?  my cat

113. What was your childhood nickname?  i dont think i really had one. my stepmom called me kay.

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?    yes

115. Do you play the Wii?    i never had a wii but i played it with others

116. Are you listening to music right now?   yes. i have a random playlist on youtube playing. rn it’s malibu miley cyrus

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?   with a soda on the side.

118. Do you like Chinese food?  yes. it’s probably my second favorite kind of food.

119. Favourite book?   well all the harry potter books i think would be my favorite but i hate that answer because it’s not specific so my favorite stand alone book is Ella Enchanted.

120. Are you afraid of the dark?  not usually.

121. Are you mean?   yeah sometimes.

122. Is cheating ever okay?   on a partner? no. on other stuff maybe

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?  nope

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?   nope

125. Do you believe in true love?   nope

126. Are you currently bored?  yes. why do you think i’m sitting here answering a hundred and fifty questions for no reason? no one asked for this lol

127. What makes you happy?  sleep. books. my cat. music. driving on the highway at night. food. rollercoasters

128. Would you change your name?  probably. i hate my name.

129. What your zodiac sign? taurus

130. Do you like subway?  yes

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? my best friend of the opposite sex is gay but if it happened i’d ask him if his feelings would somehow cause us to stop being friends and deal with that accordingly

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?  my sister in law.

133. Favourite lyrics right now? this is hard because there are a shit ton but i guess the one that’s sticking out the most to me rn is “i have a thought of you for every star in the sky”

134. Can you count to one million? i mean, yeah. but why?

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? yall i’ve told so many lies. but the one that just popped into my head is when i was pretty young i was mad at my older brother for who even knows what so i wrote his name on our front door in his hand writing with sharpie. it worked and he got into a lot of trouble

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?  open. my asshole cat doesn’t allow any doors in my apartment to be closed at any time.

137. How tall are you?  5′5

138. Curly or Straight hair?  weird waves that dont ever look good

139. Brunette or Blonde?  i’m brunette but i dye that shit.

140. Summer or Winter?  winter.

141. Night or Day?  both for different reasons.

142. Favourite month?  i dont have one

143. Are you a vegetarian?  no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?  dark

145. Tea or Coffee?   both.

146. Was today a good day?  not really.

147. Mars or Snickers?  neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?  god that’s impossible. there’s no chance i could pick only one quote so i’m just going to drop one from the labyrinth because it’s been on my mind and David Bowie is a sex god. “Just fear me, love me, do as i say and i will be your slave.” like. fucking imagine the Goblin King saying that to you? i'd die. fuck me right here pls i'll do anything you say. pls.

149. Do you believe in ghosts? i dont. but i’m willing to be proven wrong

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?  “That’s all right.” said the Stork, who was flying along beside them. “I always like to help anyone in trouble. But i must go now, for my babies are waiting in the nest for me. I hope you will find the Emerald City and that Oz will help you.”

[intlcoordination]

LIMITED  EDITION

Atin Bhutani – CEO In Corp Global Pte Ltd

Rare is always limited. Atin is the true Guy. He is Numero Uno but is not fixated on the numbers game. It is more important for him to successfully do the right thing all the time. Breaking free of traditions, type cast , brackets imposed by Society here is a pure soul who emerges as a shining example of exceptional, inspirational role model.

What takes people a lifetime to learn Atin has already in a short span grasped the discerning factor that role models or leaders fail when expectations are not met. When it really matters and they are not there they turn out to be mere ordinary individuals.  “And  I realised that you do your own thing and be your self made man as everyone looks after their interests in the end“

The succesful evolution of a character is not determined by the accolades, gold medals received or the numbers /high scores ranking in the professional world of which Atin has an impressive collection.

Although Atin is on the top its his finer and sensitive traits which wins him staunch friends, loyal customers and employees who leave and come back to work with him. His clients vouch that –“Atin does not give stress”

Atin Bhutani’s entrepreneurial spirit was born from his childhood experience. Atin’s father was expected to become a doctor. Bhutani’s father rebelled. Bhutani says,” My dad was supposed to become a doctor, in fact he got admitted into a college but did not pursue it because he wanted to become an entrepreneur.” Initially his father joined his grandfather in the family business.

As the saying goes in business partnerships you need to be on the same wavelength and the alliance didn’t last long as apart from the generation gap, Bhutani’s father wanted to carve his own niche.

Relocating to Surat with a few thousand Rs(INR) and his family to start a business of Automobile spare parts  Bhutani vividly remembers his fathers struggles and hard work. They lived in a one-bedroom house and packing cases from the store became the sofa and bed. He says simply, “dad worked very, very hard”

His father shaped young Atin’s character leading with examples of qualities of leadership, generosity and making a difference in other peoples lives. While growing his own business  his father undertook the responsibility of  siblings  of his own by bringing them in, settled them with businesses of their own

Both his parents were academically strong, his mother was a double MA plus a gold medalist and always told the kids that while their dad was doing what he was doing their primary focus was to excel in studies and the result was that Atin was a topper at school level, a Gold medalist in Mechanical Engineering, scoring 2220 out of 2400 in GRE getting into top 10 MBA universities in India or being one of the few directors in HSBC

Atin is the eldest of two brothers. Both his parents were the eldest on either side and Atin by default is the eldest in the family. His entire schooling of 15 years was in one school which was very strong in discipline “Martay thhe” (they used to beat) as he says in Hindi with refreshing candor…but that is fine. That’s how we grew up in my age”

This time both father and son shared the same dream that Atin should be a Pilot. Bhutani details his ascension from aspiring Pilot to a revered finance executive. Finishing school and without prior advice enrolled in flying school. During his Pilot training he discovered the lack of promising career opportunities in the field,

“Becoming a private pilot  during the late 90s when there were no airlines in India. No private airlines, like Jet. So jobs that the pilots could get was VIP pilots. “This I didn’t know growing up and only once I entered that field realized why there were only 10 students and 4 instructors and 60,000 jobless pilots. So I knew I had to do something else also.”

Following in his fathers footsteps of being a self-made man - I was always quite independent, didnt want to become an instructor and I didntt want to live off my dad. He is a self made man and I would be a self made man as well”.- “Never really took a lot from my parents.” Although his dad could support him for overseas MBA program he chose to pursue it from the top  Universities in India. Once you are in top 10 it hardly matters whether its one acronym or another.”  Its not as if I look back at it and think every decision I took was right. If I could I would not do my engineering, I would do BBA then do my MBA because engineering didn’t help me so much. Other than building a bit of character, building to live independently and stuff I would have saved 1 year.”

From here he made a career changing choice that eventually landed him in HSBC and reaching a management level Director role.

During those years, he harks back to the outsize role his son held in his life. Bhutani notes he is vulnerable to quickly tear even at emotional junctions within a movie. Therefore, he suffered a great deal of pain during his son’s infancy and early childhood.

His son, who had a premature delivery, suffered from lactogen intolerance. This placed great limits on his early nutrition and diet, “First 3 years of his life he couldn’t have milk so for a child who couldn’t have milk he couldn’t also have mashed potato because his food pipe was so small. So the only thing he could have was soya milk and because soya milk has no taste we used to buy this flavored Godrej brand called sofit. Now popular but during those days old packaging you used to get in select few places in bangalore so all the mall walaas (hindi word for mall owners) had my number and used to say “Saab aa gaya aa jao” in Hindi(Sir its  arrived you come over). So he grew up the first 2 and a half years even if cake used to touch his face he would develop blisters and he would struggle.” Bhutani recollects.

This adversity was overcome by character building and provided Bhutani with great pride and inspiration as he noted “Nowadays I look up to my son a lot. He has a phenomenal attitude.” He continues, “We feel he has grown up to be very respectful and very good child. There are times even when hes not wrong he will just keep quiet. And brilliant football player, good in studies so we’re very happy. Flip side is now he cant eat fruits because for the first 3 years he kept drinking fruit fruit. So I learnt a lot from him the spirit of perseverance against all odds. When he’s playing football he is the smallest in the team but competes the hardest. In aggressive play when someone tackles him he just gets up and keeps going.”

The struggle brought him and his wife Chetna even closer and her words of faith –“ if god takes something away he gives something else” saw him through. It was also her faith and importantly, sacrifices, that put the family on the path of Entrepreneurship eventually and he believes whatever little success they have had has come in on the back of that friendship, love and partnership. “From being sweepers to the sales people to owners, we did it all together during the formative years of the business. I also know it would not have been easy to let go of her own, very successful business in India and walk the path with me instead. So – as far as influence goes – she has been the one person who has been holding my hand through more than half of my life”.

Atin also has a young daughter who has practically grown up in Singapore. “She keeps me grounded and she is one who brought about so many positive changes in our life. Chetna calls her an ‘Angel’ because of this as well as because of her unbelievably selfless nature and the laughter she carries with her. While I missed a large part of her growing up, she is the one person in our household who is just happy to spend time with us, give us an honest opinion on everything under the sun and is probably the smartest one”

An Exceptional Mother. Solid Foundations.

“To be a mother of a son is one of the most important things you can do to change the world. Raise them to respect women, raise them to stand up for others, raise them to be kind.” Shannon L. Alder

Atin was blessed to have a remarkable mother. She instilled in her two sons attribute/virtues of respect, sensitivity and moral uprightness. Mindful that they didn’t have any sister she raised them with emphasis on how to respect women , people.and being independent. “She always used to tell me that there are no sisters so you have to be very careful especially when you are dealing with women.  If people came as part of being good hosts the boys were taught to serve the guests . As it pertains to influencing his career moves, Bhutani claims his mother who he was closest to and from whom he inherited his mannerisms was the driving force behind his move to Singapore saying “She was very fiercely protective that you go. So, because she saw my dad and her brothers, she said no to getting into family business at every stage through education and early career and she pushed me to get out of India. And Punjabis have this thing that you are successful if you are outside India.” And even as he made the move within a few months of his arrival, Bhutani’s mother was diagnosed with cancer but did not allow her son to forego the hard work and persevered by fighting strong during her battle with the disease.

It was his brother whom Bhutani credits with those hard times, saying “He’s the nicest person. He’s the nicest person anybody can know. He took care of mother that period and he was always there and he never lost his temper he never lost any anything.” Atin and his brother share a very close bond, one that is not lost on Bhutani, “And we are very close to each other and that to me is not very common.”

As part of his time at the helm of InCorp Group of Companies, Atin is grateful of the friendship and trust shown by his co-founder towards him. Bhutani has learnt to value trust in those you invest in, “After being a CEO making his money and having invested the money in me since 2015 till today he has not questioned me. That kind of trust and I have learnt that, if I make that kind of money and if I were to invest in someone, I will back them. Even if you make 2-3 mistakes I don’t care.”

And he keeps the relationship very, very, formal at work but informal and as a friend. When he talks you learn a lot from him, you talk to him he thinks a lot, he talks about things that are going to happen few years down the line. Has the ability to take the people along despite not talking a lot. So he’s been a great influence in professional life.

Bhutani’s leadership style is greatly focused at providing the best environment for his staff to thrive in. He takes annual employee surveys with great diligence and places emphasis in providing as many requests that come his way even while being aware that as the leader he can’t please everybody all the time. Still, he takes great pride in trying to address most of the feedback points whether it is through providing one of the better f&b spaces in a corporate space, or working on technology upgrade, software, hardware sanctions all are taken in right earnest even though there will be 20 percent attrition.Whether it is people management or talent retention, mergers or acquisitions Atin when necessary is capable of drawing the line and taking a hard call.

“It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear. “-Dick Cavett

But his single greatest leadership quality is winning over clients, especially the most demanding ones. A case in point is of an irate client who he turned round to a relationship based on mutual trust and respect that grew after the person took all the criticism to his door and he patiently addressed every single challenge laid at his door. Bhutani says he always excelled in pressure environments as he recounts an example from his time at HSBC, “In general I have realized that I do very well if there is some sort of adversity. In banking when there is some sort of event or transaction happening

“Men of routine or men who can do what they are told are not hard to find; but men who can think and plan and tell the routine men what to do are very rare.”-  William Graham Sumner

This extends to people/colleague relationships. Its rare to see people letting go of insecurity/ego, jealousy and becoming friends in a professional working atmosphere. “When I was given a larger role in Singapore HSBC, I was a individual transactor, I did very well so corporate banking head decided to elevate me. Make me head of the team so guys who were part of the team ended up reporting to me. So I lost two of the best RMs that had quit within two months of my taking over. So that is when I sat down with the rest of my team, see it is what it is. A year down the line, I want to stand in front of all of you and still deliver results and that will be huge success and 1 out of those two came back and worked for me and is now one of the closest friends. So that challenge I am always ready to take on.”

Atin is down to earth, not materialistic. “So beyond a point in time money will just be a number. There is a certain bare minimum I want to get to. It is not to buy great shoes or great watches. For me if it means I can retire by the time I am 50-55 that’s what I want to make.”

Given Bhutani’s achievements and success to-date he is not emotionally attached to his role as boss and has a cool perspective in being aware that should a takeover lay in the future and given he fulfilled the 5-year plan set out during the launch in 2015, Bhutani would be very comfortable in taking time off should that be the direction any future ownership might consider. He is after all a family man who enjoys the simple pleasures of watching movies on his sofa and going out for meals with his family and a keenness to travel the world

Outside of all the humdrum of money matters his passion lies in sports apart from travel. During his college and HSBC time he used to play cricket, volleyball, badminton table tennis teams. “In general adventure, adrenaline, I have done bungee jumping, any type of adventure ride I will be there. So those are the things I would love to do.”

Interesting traits of Atin- While watching the Movie – “As good as it Gets” starring Jack Nicholson he discovered that the character and he shared a similar trait of not stepping on cracked tiles on pavements/roads etc.

Leaving unfinished work is unsettling for him as he suffers from Monday morning blues, since he is unable to sleep on Sunday nights easily.

What puts him off – “People belittling or blaming despite me trying to make genuine attempt towards outcome that is beneficial for them. So it feels waste of energy, efforts etc. And secondly lack of ownership especially among senior guys.”

[carrickbender]

Hi I'm Geoff, here's 7 because it's Sunday.....

-So this week was a serious mess. We fished on monday, delivered and got ice on Tuesday, did bait up on wednesday, fished thursday....... and that's when I got hurt. Lemme preface this- I'm ok. I'm not missing any essential body parts, and I will be fine. So lemme set the stage- we left at around midnight because my boss was (is) antsy about getting his fish caught before he has heart surgery next month. So he says yeah, we are going to go to (insert place name here) in the AM, I'll pick you up around midnight. Now, the other deckhand and I know how to read the weather map and use weather software, and we know it's going to be borderline miserable/f-ing awful weather in the am, getting worse in the afternoon. We are AK guys, and if we say it's gonna suck, it's not nice for anybody. So fine, get picked up, cast off, do a few chores, NAP, then we get up around 5 to get ready and he says, "I'm sorry guys, I messed up, looks like it's going to blow 35 tomorrow, so it's just today for these fish". We already knew this, and we have him a pep talk because he's such a nice guy, honest about pay, that I hate seeing him get down. Got our gear in the water, and it was getting nasty. Had a bite, relaxed a bit, got the deck ready for the ensuing malay, and started to haul our first set back. And it kept getting worse, but there was gear in the water. So we got it hauled, 1300lbs of beautiful white bellied halibut. So far, so good. As we were in building seas, my boss looks at us and says, "this really is not my style of fishing". 2 thoughts popped into my head- 1. I've fished with him for 6 years, and he always gets the weather wrong a lot. So of course it's his style; and 2. There's thst scene from the hangover 2 where there in the elevator and somebody says, "does everything always end up in a standoff with you Chow?", to which he replies, "of course it does! I'm an international criminal, I met my wife at one of these things!". If only my boss would have see that..... so my injury? Oh yeah, sorry. Remember that bit from wide world of sports, where the announcer says, "and the agony of defeat!", and the skier pretty much kills himself and half of China wiping out a ski jump? So my big ass is pretty stable on deck, but combine being in a 10 ft trough and the deck being slick from herring and other fish oil, and I fell. I tried catching myself, but it did the splits, banging my right knee on the rail and I felt two rips in my thigh muscle and a pop in my lower back. Scarry part? I couldn't get up. I manouvered myself onto the bin boards, sat on top of them, and then I realized I couldn't stand up, and all I could say, and I'm quoting here, was: FUCKSHITASSBALLSPISS, because that's is what you say when you hurt, right? I hobbled like an old man into the cabin, got my raingear off, but I was done for the day(and unbenownst to me, the season). I could barely move. I propped myself up, and thank God my other deck mate is a rock star because I was done. I could barely walk, let alone anything else. They finished hauling gear a bit later, and my boss told me it was some of the worst crap he'd ever fished, but they got it done. And he felt horrible about me pretty much being cut down on deck. We hobbled back to towne, and it was so crappy we couldn't do more than 4 knots because we were pounding into the waves so hard. Got in at 2, and the next day I went to see a doctor. No breaks, but SEVERE sprains, and he put the kibosh on fishing for 2 weeks. Which, I understand. It's sunday, and I can't even bend over to pull up my pants effectively without being in pain. It's going to take time...... - I'm headed back to Washington on Wednesday to get started on getting my summer in order. But most importantly, family stuff. Mom is still ill, but after 2 cancer scares, that has been ruled out. Dad had his heart restarted in a pharmacologically way the other day to try and fix a rhythm issue, and it failed. This was time number 3, so being a retired medical person, he makes a joke about it. "Probably need a new wiring harness, check the points, and make sure the battery terminals are making good contact". My dad, turning cardiology into working on his El Camino. So, I think I need to stick around close this summer. Mom's will be good once she gets the damn puss pocket out(plus she's headed to Canada for the summer), but dad doesn't get this idea of taking it easy. So, one of his offspring has to help where my stepmom cant. - music- I have so much going on here. Too much. All over washington state. That being said, I hate dealing with managers and promoters who are only out for themselves. Why can't the business be kinder to musicians? Oh, and speaking of being kind to one another, how many of this tribe of followers are musicians who have a band shirt? Because I'd love to trade! I'm having some made up when I get back, and would love to swap one of ours for yours! @voxtacular, wanna be the first? - Speaking of music, Chris Cornell......I Honestly dont know what to say. I feel fortunate that I grew up in the northwest where the music known as grunge was "born"(more like sprang forth, like Athena from Zeus). Mind you, I grew up in Spokane, Seattle's developmentally delayed and much more socially conservative sister across the state, so we didn't have many places like the sit and spin, the ok hotel, the crocodile cafe to see soundgarden or mother love bone on any given weekend. But there was one place , the big dipper, that welcomed everybody. My introduction to the big dipper was as a 16 year old kid, whose 17 year old lead singer booked our group, the midnight poets, to a Sunday night gig supporting a group called seeking the elephant. They had this "green room" where all of the musicians hung out before they played, and it was expected that the musicians would sign their names on the walls. Fugazi, mother love bone, and a little seattle band called soundgarden were amongst the ones I remember. My band didn't last, but what did last is the memory of those bands playing a serious dive like the big dipper. Paying dues. As the "seattle sound" got bigger, I got to see Nirvana, Candlebox, Stone Temple pilots, Alice in Chains, The Melvins, Pearl Jam....but I never got to see soundgarden. I put fishing before a life, and I made a poor choice. Because while you can buy stuff, you cannot buy moments. And the number of moments in my life that are attached to either a audioslave, a soundgarden, or a Chris Cornell song are staggering. For A folkie, yeah. So stay tuned for a cover tomorrow. :-) -Speaking of summer, I've been talking to my non blood cousin who is like a little sister and we are planning a meet and greet in Montana this summer with her man and babies (!), her not brother brother (my actual cousin) and his small tribe, and my people. I'm so excited to even start to pull this off. Huckleberries, I'll bring salmon, music, their kids, family.....fingers crossed, I need this. -So because I'm going to be in the close proximity of both of my parents, I'm probs going to wait on a tug job till November to really give it a go. I'm going to do my first bit of necessary school right when I get back, then do flagger training so I can work till everything gets resolved with folks/music stuff gets done, and hopefully, I can come back up for 3 weeks in August to go pink salmon fishing here. Fingers crossed, this summer could be really amaxing..... -But enough of my crap! Seriously, I just want y'all to know that you guys are really great. I love reading about your lives, your triumphs over adversity (because you all are pretty tough and amazing people), your funny stuff, amazing playlists.....and sometimes I go a bit crazy with the hearts, and I'll admit it. But my theory is this- I'd rather you know that somebody appreciates you for who you are, where you are, instead of feeling alone. I've listened to my mom tell me how alone she is for the last month, and I just want y'all to know you are appreciated like bacon and tacos..... and that includes you too @tacosandsweettea (ps-that made her laugh. Hope it did you too!) Take care, and stay tuned!

[chickenstuffedwithmozzarella]

Holiii!! I saw the pic of Liam and Honey😍😍😍 Asdfahs. They are so cute! And also, i love Liam's eyes. It'a such a nice colour!! And i also saw the gifs!! I love that gif of Louis.  HE LOOKS SO SOFT. I could cry. And Harry😂😂😂 Its such a mood. I always flip people off like that. Jajajaja. AND THE GIF OF HARRY WITH THE PINK JACKET. 😍He is dancing funny and i love hiiim.  Oh, and i havent read that fic but i'll read it asap and then i'll tell you about it. Promise. Thanks for the rec💖 (1)

Hiiii, Love!!!! I’m so sorry it took me so long to answer! but yesterday I was busy, and when I came home my head hurt like a b*tch, 😖😖. Liam’s eyes very pretty, aren’t they? Everyone likes him better (poor honey). I always flip people like that too, jajaja, that’s why I needed a gif, and I found the best, jajajaja. I couldn’t resist. I’m already rereading that fic,😅. I love re reading things I read a long while ago, bc my English has improved a bit since I came to tumblr, and it’s like reading things for the first time again, so cool.

It wasnt hard being updated bcs OT was everywhere, but yeah. I always try to engage in my friend’s hobbies. & some of them do the same. One of my friends used to be a 1D fan before i met her, and though she is not longer in the fandom she tries to be updated. She sends me memes or things that remind her of 1d. She even watched a video of BG without me knowing/telling her about it. I dont deserver her. Ay, and last week she watched freddieismyqueen videos with me on a free period. I 💖 her (2)

HOW DID YOU FRIEND MANAGE TO QUITE?!?!?! Jajajajaja It feels imposible (not that I have tried…). And she sees things and isn’t intrigued about what is happening?? She should write a self help book,jajajaja. “How to suite one direction: the guide”,jajajaja. But she sounds cool and supportive of you, so keep her, jejeje.

Well, you just described me. Talking in public always end up in one of those two options. I have always wanted to do a road trip!!! You are totally invited of course. JAJAJAJA. Well, it just…happened? Our friend was having a very bad time and he was going through a lot of things and we didnt know how to cheer him up. And then one night we just starting watching a video of AuronPlay reading a fic, and he was happy for the first time in months. (3)And so my cousin said “what if we write him a fic?” And i said “omg, yes”. And thus was born. Its a crack fic. We just put in there his family, his biggest celebrity crush, our friends, ourselves and a couple of animals and started writing nonesense. He hasnt read anything yet, bcs we want to finish it first, and me and my cousin (and our siblings, bcs they wanted to help) only hang out alone sporadically. But we laugh a lot writing it. I hope he laughs too when he finally reads it. (4)

You, your sister and your cousins sound so cool. And your friends too. I’m gonna have to migrate and adopt you all, jajajaj. I’m sure your friend is gonna love it. It’s a recipe for success. Keep me updated when you show him and his reaction,please!!

“How does a gay look like?” Like someone with no toxic masculinity. But i see your point. Judging on looks is not cool. (And i dont usually do it. I watched their behaviour or their words. When someone doesnt ever use gender pronouns and just say “they” “parter” “somebody” im just👀👀👀 i see what u are doing). Yes yes. What you said makes sense. I understood. Dont worry. I have never heard that quote, but i think i could marry whoever wrote this. So much truth!! 😱 (6)

Tbh I never payed attention to that, :/ (heteronormative mind and all that). If I had, maybe I had known about a lot of my high school friends’ sexuality. Looking back, we were just a group of friends, boys a girls, nobody cared about boyfriends/girlfriends (we were friends from 12-16). Then we went our separate ways, and we lost touch. And now I see in Facebook that they are gays and lesbians, and I’m like… :/ we didn’t know much about those things back then. And I hope I didn’t make any comments who could offend/affect them. But it makes me so happy to see them being themselves and living with they’re boyfriends and girlfriends… 😊 I just wish I could have been a better friend back then 🤷🏻‍♀️. But now I pay attention to that. And I always try to show support in a non invasive way. And try to educate people about who they’re been homophobic, or make not appropriate comments… like there’s this boy (around 16) that likes to paint his nails. And I love everything to do with nails. And, at the shop, I comment on people’s nails (if I know them enough, lol). And I always try to say something nice to this guy. To normalize the fact that he has his nails painted (and no make a statement that I approve of it, if someone else is listening, so they don’t make rude comments around me). And then my friend’s sister is Lesbian. But their mother is so ancient-minded… like, my friend has a dit of fat, and she’s always making comment about how she should be skinnier bc she won’t ever find a husband 😒. And her sister is very thin. And once, she was working as cleaner in a /cuartel de la guardia civil(?)/. And their mother was always: hmmm, I hope she finds a good guy there, bc she’s never had a boyfriend. And I always thought: I wonder why, lol. Well, she finally came out to her parents, and while they don’t treat her different (which I don’t know if it’s good or no), they’re like “waiting” she changes her mind. And hoping she finds a boyfriend. Anyway, her mother is friends with my mom, and she comes to visit at the shop sometimes, and she always has a comment to make about what people do or don’t do. And I get so angry 😡. I’m always correcting her. But she doesn’t listen. And I feel sorry for my friend and her sister. So whenever I have the chance I saw her my support, and always talk about these things, lol. (I talk so much about lgbt+ things, that my family associates me with it, to the point that every time they see a rainbow or whatever they tell me: look look! And I just satisfied with it. At least they don’t make so much homophobic comments anymore 😒)

YOUR MOM IS AN ANTI? How? “Why would they fake a baby?” Thats a good question with awful answers. I miss RBB&SBB.😍 (I havent explained that to anybody, yet. But once while playing a game my cousins choose Rbb as his nickname so i choose Sbb and our friends started making questions and we where like? 1d things? Long story, leave it for another day? I’m glad they dont remember it bcs i wouldnt know how to explain that😂😂). Was your friend a fan of 1d too? (7)

Well, she isn’t a nasty anti, jajajja, but she doesn’t think they’re together. Not for nothing special, just that she thinks they would say it if they were together. And since they haven’t say it, they aren’t together. But I’ve shown her the famous Christmas pic, and she doesn’t Thing B was ever pregnant. And I show her pics of F to ask for an outsider opinion, and she doesn’t think the kid looks like Louis at all, lmao. So, I think if they ever come out, she wouldn’t care at all. Bahhh, I’ve talked about RBB/SBB with my friend sometimes, but it’s so bad of a thing, that we don’t come to a conclusion. She isn’t a fans, sadly. But she likes celeb gossip, and I like to talk, so… yesterday she came to visit/ to get her arms waxed (bc that’s my other unofficial job) and she ended up staying for 2 hours. Bc we had see each other briefly lately, couldn’t sit and talk properly in a while. And she always asks me about 1d, bc she knows I love to talk about it,jajaja. And I have a sideblog where I reblog things to show her. And well, yesterday we talked a little about BG, and I showed her the no-belly pic, and she was… 😳. And she thinks louis and Harry must be together, at least at some point, bc the way the touched wasn’t in a friendly way. She now has a boyfriend, and she kept saying: I’m not a very touchy person with my friends or my family, but when I’m with him I always want to touch him or kiss him, and that’s what those two were always doing. And I’m always: do you think that for real, or are you just saying it so I stop talking?? Jajjaja. And yes, she’s convinced they are/were together. She asked me if I think they’re still together, and I told her that now more than ever, but it’s a long story, so we should talk about it another time, bc lol, we were just talking about it for a couple of hours, and we both had things to do. So, we’ll keep talking another time.

Of course, I dont share that info with everybody, but I dont mind my friends knowing. I have this one friend that i bother everytime i get frustated bcs of a fic. I tell him the plot, and what is happening and i cry about it (and he laughs at me but at least he listens). Sometimes i make him choose which one should i read next when i cant decide. (9)

I almost did a fic reference yesterday talking with my friend, and I stopped myself midsentece, and laughed (I thought of you,jajaj) and she was so confused!! But she’s used to my weirdness, so we just laughed it way. And I kept talking, jajajajaj.

Girl, i have 6 dioptres😂😂 Thats what i have forbid myself from reading on the phone. No, i havent read that one, but its now on the list. I’ll tell you when i do! Though it make take a while :( (I understand you. Dont worry). (10)

😳 6?!!?! Please take care of your eyes!!! Stop reading… everything!! Jajaja. No, I’m kidding. I know about people who has 8… so you’re still ok,jajajaj. I have 1, but my ophthalmologist told me I’m very sensitive to change, bc I thought I had 27463 diopters, bc I saw so poorly 🙄🙄.

Yes, i also like IDGAF more than New Rules. They have overplayed that one. Have you heard Blow Your Mind? I love that one. It’s also a single so…i guess you have heard it? You’ll get amazing shots, i’m sure. Honey was sleeping on you? 😭😭😭😭 I love hiiim (11)

I listened today Room for 2 and Homesick, and I think I like them. I’ll have to listen this new one two. For me, to like a song, I have to heard /a lot/ (not as much as Despacito, please). It has to have a catchy tune. That’s why I think a like Carolina, or Woman, or Kiwi, and I don’t understand why people is so fidyfvbure about the lyrics, jajjaja.Honey is always sleeping on me. The other day Liam was sleeping between my legs, and Honey came and just laid on top of my poor limo. And I wanted to kill him, bc liam never comes to sleep with me. They’re so different… but I love them both.

Oh, my little sister. I just wanted to tell you that yesterday was her birthday. She almost cried when she saw that me and my older sister had brought her Flicker deluxe as a present. (We hadnt bought it yet. Dont judge us). She was freaking out just bcs of that and i was laughing so hard thinking that she’s gonna pass out when she sees the rainbow flag her friends have gotten her for Nialls show. And also another pair of Cds. She wont survive the show. Poor thing. But she was so happy 😍😍 (12)You start next week? Okay. I’ll ask again next wednseday. Have a nice daaaay!!

Not judging, you’re amazing sisters!! Awww, poor thing!! She will have an amazing time at Niall’s concert, for sure. And, yes, please, tell her to bring the flag. I’m so happy seeing how people are starting to bring rainbow flags to niall concerts too. And have you seeing that he has taken pics with rainbow flags?? He even brought one to the stage the other day!! It makes me inexplicably happy to say everything covered in rainbows. There was so much at Harry’s show too, my sister said it looked like a pride parade. Hey, Dunkirk it’s about to start khbkhdfbvkjdnfvkjndfv. But, have YOU SEEING THE NEW ROYAL BABY WAS NAMED AFTER LOUIS?????? AND HIS TWEET?!?!?  IM SCREAMED!!!! Dijffvjkbdded. Bye love. I have to feed my cats before the movie starts!!! Aaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

[tijuana-blues]

I waited until i got to work to type this.

The end of this month crosses the 1 year mark. only one year ago my world was completely different, and on the Verge of Collapse. A little backstory is needed before i continue.

Yesterday was a normal Tuesday for me. Work didnt stress me, no problems arose. My parents texted me and my brother to eat steak for Dinner. The Food was delicious, and i was preparing to head home, hit a Nice Big Dab, play a round of Smite, and hit the sack, seeing as how i hadnt slept in over 24 hours, and the only thing fueling me was the Gram of Coke i bought on Monday lol.

So as i Get up to Put away my dishes and say goodbye, i get a FaceBook Message. Its my Cousin, Isaiah.

He says he got into an Argument with his dad and got kicked out. He needed somewhere to sleep for the night. 

Sure, I tell him. I cant just ignore him if he has nowhere to go. He meets me at my house 5 Minuets later with a backpack full of beer, a bottle of Vodka, and half a loaf of bread and sandwhich meats. My Cousin is crazy lmao, he has the Apache Blood in him more than me. Anyway, since hes staying, i ask if he can find some Wax, so i wouldnt be taking from my Brothers Stash. We meet up a half hour later and pick it up.

so were in my garage, passing the rig back and forth while i Showed him how Smite Worked. And then suddenly he pulls a rolled up baggie out his pocket.

A rolled white Baggie full of powder.

“well we can finish this off, then. since youre letting me Crash here.”

Im not one to ask for payment to crash at my place, but i wasnt gonna say no either lol.

he pours it out on the glass i had been using myself and began to chop it fine with the razor blade i used too.

i had taken a couple pretty good sized dabs in quick order, so i was pretty toasted when he handed me the glass and rolled up dollar. I only saw the 2 lines he had cut on it, so i just assumed he cut two for both of us and i was going first. So i just aim the dollar at the line on the right and Snort away, dragging the dollar quickly, then my Nostril Burst into Flame. I had made a mistake, he cut one line for Me from the PILE on the left.

The PILE i just Tornado’ed up my nose, and was now drinking water to keep my throat from going numb from the river of coke mucus running down it.  I hear my Cousin laughing next to me.

“youre a maniac, Cuz! you railed that whole Fat ass pIle!”

Well Fuck. so much for sleeping. Lighting Coursed through my Veins 5 minuets later, and i started drinking Beers to fight the Drip.

Now Isaiah told me that it was Good Shit, but i hardly take his word for it Nowadays. hes off mark most of the Time. Not this time, Though.

15 Minutes Later im Chainsmoking Cigarettes out front of my Driveway Drinking beer and my Jaw was shaking in my Head.

You know its  Good Shit when it makes someone who spent the last 24 hours doing Coke often, gives him the Jabber Jaw.

me and Isaiah just began to talk bullshit into the NIght. at Around Midnight he was talking about a girl he knew for awhile now liking him. And him liking her too but he didnt think a Relationship would be good at the Time.

Then Youre Face appeared in my Head. Like it always does. I havent Gone a day yet where i dont see you in my head.

I dont know what caused this, Perhaps it was the Coke in my System with the Beer. Or Maybe it made me finally push past my Insecurities.

i Began to talk about how i Felt the Same, how i couldnt really talk to other women or really want to because of the Luggage i was Still Carrying with My Ex, Maria.

And from there i began to talk and Talk and Talk. I couldnt Stop, the Words i had been saying in my head Every day this Past Year came out.  I sat in my Garage all night Long, Until 5:00 AM, Talking to Isaiah About Her.

I didnt hold back, and surprised myself as my eyes stayed dry and my Voice Stone Cold.

I told HIm about How every Woman i ever Dated All Cheated on Me and Left me without a Second Glance.  About How My First Girlfriend Megan roped me into a 3 year Lie and ruined my trust in people. I talked about how the girls i dated afterwards all did the same thing, and how i wished i was joking to him.

I told him about how i blamed myself for each failed relationship, and how id spend nights trying to figure out a way to fix myself. How i felt like i wasnt meant to be Happy with anyone and how i stuffed it all down deep and dealt with it only in my most private moments.

...And Then i told him about How I Met her in my Junior Year of High School. The Class was Anatomy, a class full of 24 teenagers with the worlds Laziest Teacher. It was the First Day, and I walked in to a semi empty classroom with kids walking around, picking out a seat for the rest of the semester. the desks all faced forward, in groups of twos in four rows across. I took a seat on the outside Left side around the Middle. I just dropped my Bag and sat in my Seat, waiting for the class to start, checking my phone every now and Again. 

And the seats began to fill up, the Desk next to me taken by a Tall Nerdy looking kid with blonde hair and Garth Glasses, A KId i Befriended. Daniel Butttruck. Thats not how you spell the last name but thats how it sounds lol. So i named him Butt Truck and thats his name to this day lol. 

The Chair in front of Daniel on the right was taken by a Friend of Daniels, A glasses clad Girl name Aly, And all you need to know about her is that she has a IQ just North of a Bedroom Slipper.

And lastly, A Girl In crutches slowly approached the chair in front of me, and slid into the Chair as the class started. She had a big black velcro Boot strapped to her Leg, and it stuck out into the walkway on our left a bit. She had Dark Hair that was cut into a really cute short style. At first i didnt really notice her until a few weeks into the semester where the Teacher flipped the front two desks around, making Pods of 4. So Now She Faced me and Aly faced Dan on the right. 

Thats When i noticed her.

She had Brown Eyes that shone slightly, like Fine Wood Tarnished to a Dark Brown Mixed with Lighter Browns. Her nose was a small little Button Nose between her prominent Cheekbones that raised when she smiled. She didnt Wear much Makeup, or at least looked like she didnt. I remember to this day about how i would see her smile and laugh a bit as we all got comfortable as a group, me cracking Jokes and being dumb some days, with Days. As time passed i began to Notice her more. I began picking her out in the hallways as i walked to class. Sometimes I would say Hi and see her reaction.She was like me in some ways, wasnt a morning person, and had the same sense of Humor. I remember the time Dan Told us about how he Broke his Leg at Blizzcon.

Yeah, if youre not 12 years old, Dan was the Kid who Broke his Leg in like 2006 at Blizzcon Dancing like a Zombie. He was on Tosh.O or was going to be? ill ask him next time i see him lol. Anyway, hes telling us this story and Maria and I are Freaking Out because we realized he is Internet Famous, and Laughed Like Crazy.

Soon enough, I went from saying hi when i saw her to stopping by her morning class to say hi and chat, since my morning class was down the hall from hers, then sometimes wed walk toward our next class. Mind You, i Was a Junior at 17-going on 18, and Maria was two years younger than me. I never tried to flirt with her, but i enojoyed talking to her. I remember clearly One Winter Morning as i walked in from the Bus Lanes to my Morning Government Class, I see her standing by her Morning classroom, i dont remember what it was. She had her phone and was tapping away on it. I quickened my Pace as i passed her, and called out, “Maria!” she popped her head up and looked at me, and i Flipped her off. She gave a look of Confusion and laughed, walking into her classroom as the bell rang. I remember giggling to myself as i sat down, then asking myself, “Why the fuck did i do that for?? Idiot!”

That was the beginning of my Senior Year, Graduated 2011. We didnt have much contact after i Graduated, while i did the little schooling i did do, and work at that God Awful Produce Factory that first year out of High School.It wasnt until about a year or so later, when i started my job at Wal-Mart and Moved in with Christian. i remember it being Spring When i Saw Her Again. I Was collecting carts to put back in the cart corral, when i heard a Girls Voice Call my Name out in the Parking Lot.

I look out towards Barros Pizza in the plaza and i saw her Again.

It was a Bright Sunny Day, Not too Hot yet in the Summer. Her Hair had grown a bit longer, but still had its shape. She wore a Bright Yellow SunDress with Sunflowers on it. I remember how Cute i thought it was on her. I remember this moment so clearly because it was in that moment i felt something inside my heart. Like a Spark running through it.

I smiled and walked out to meet her, she had two of her other friends with her, they had been eating at Barros. Maria Hugged me and Asked me how i had been, and i told her about how i started working there and i live on my own now, looking into colleges. We chatted for a few minutes before i had to go back to work. I asked for her number to text with and, she walked off. As i went back inside i remember the times in Anatomy with our little group, and how i used to enjoy chatting with her. it also made me Remember the day i flipped her off, Years ago. As i lay down in bed that night, I remember thinking of her and telling myself, “you know, i think she would be an awesome Girlfriend.”

Months Passed and i hadnt had much Contact with Maria. I had my own problems at the time and i remember that period of my life to be so unstable i didnt want to date a girl and Live there lol. But i would text her every now and then and wed talk for a bit. I remember her dating someone at the time, and living with them. One Night in Particular I noticed she was posting on Tumblr and it seemed like she was Upset. So i Texted her and asked if she was doing alright. She said she was fine, but shes too much like me, i say that just to get people to leave me alone. I text back that she can talk or vent to me, that i didnt mind. And she did. She began to talk about her Relationship with her BF and how they rarely see each other because of work schedules and School. She told me she was thinking of just packing her things and leaving while he was at work. I told her, “Do what you have to do. if you arent happy, why are you there?”

i texted about a week or so later. She left him. She Began talking about moving to Portland With a Friend, and Getting out of AZ. I remember being bummed out at the news, my feelings for her had began to grow. I decided to step away for awhile, let those feelings go away. It must have been around 3 or  4 months later, or longer? But anyway, i see her posting on Tumblr Again, and i send her a DM asking how shes been, and if she moved to Oregon. She replied back and said her Friend Flaked, and that she really didnt want to go anyway. She says to text her, and i Ask for her Number Again. 

From then on, we talked semi often every couple days, more and more often as time passes. Finally, one Day i ask her to hangout sometime, go to the arcade, play air hockey. We had been talking pretty often by then, but no obvious flirting or anything. We meet up at the arcade and we take turns playing different games, Giant Connect Four, Air Hockey, Ticket Games. She bought me a little T rex with her tickets, i named him Revan. Then we just sat on a couch and People watched those who walked in. I remember feeling her arm against mine as we sat together, and Me leaning in Quickly and kissing her cheek, and Seeing her Smile.

About 4 or 5 more little Dates Later, I ask her if she would be serious, because i wanted to be.

Her Face Brightened as i saw her give the biggest Smile i ever seen from her, and she said Yes.

I told Isaiah how as the first year passed, i had been drunk off the happiness i had at the time. As i learned more about Maria, the more attractive she was to me. She is unlike any woman ive ever met before, or have met since. I told him about how i talked about her to my friends all the time, how smart she was, how she volunteered at a Funeral Home Embalming Bodies and playing with Corpses like a Badass. 

Then came my 22nd Birthday, on the first year we were dating in 2014. I didnt even want a present from her, she was all i wanted any day. I dont know why i never told her things like that. She Baked me Fudge Brownies after work on the week of my birthday, and i was more than happy.

Then she pulled a box out of Nowhere, Smiled That Warm Smile i Had come to Adore, and Said “Happy Birthday Babe!”

Before that Moment, i Cant recall a time that i was genuinely Surprised like that. I remember the words stopping in my throat and jumbled with the ones i had tried to say Next. Genuine Excitement as i opened the Long Brown Box. I opened the top flap and pulled the Styrofoam Casing to the Rectangle stick inside, Bright White with a Black Line going Down along the Length of it. And inbetween the space in the Line at the Hilt, Was the Red and White Sigil of the Uchiha.  

A fucking Uchiha Sword! Like i was in actual Disbelief when i Realized. And what i explain next i never told anyone other than Isaiah that night.

I had to Try my Hardest to keep from Crying in that moment. Not because i loved the Gift she had gotten me, and how she made it a surprise, Something no one has done for me before. 

It was because i remember a couple weeks before,as we scrolled Netflix one evening, i Saw Naruto on the list. I geeked out and asked you if you ever watched it, and began geeking out about it to her. I Made her watch some of my favorite episodes, and she would playfully Tease me about it. As My birthday neared, i came home from work one day to watch some Naruto Myself, and Booted up Netflix.

Someone went about 4 episodes ahead of where we Left off Last. I was at Work, and it was her Netflix Account. She actually started watching it because of how much i told her i liked it. Then She picked out something SHE thought i would like, instead of asking what I wanted like My Lazy Ass does.

No one had ever shown interest in Me like that before, and it touched me right in that moment. I blocked all emotion and was all smiled as i Hugged her Maria and told her how much i loved it. That thing was glued to my hip for like 2 months straight, i would get high after work and watch old Samurai and Ninja Movies, and act out the sword fighting with it. I even slept with it for the first Week.

In the days after that, i saw Maria in a whole new Light. I always knew the Maria who had her walls up to Anyone, the “i really dont care,” attitude she had when she was grumpy in the mornings. I got a glimpse at the Maria That was Behind that wall, The Real Maria.

Who Was sweet, considerate, and Generous. Loving and who could make me laugh.

Ever since that i saw that small glimpse of Her, My heart swelled and pumped blood thrice as hard, and my hands would shake and my mouth would get dry.

I was Falling in Love with you.

Hours have Passed, its Around 2 AM. The Line of Coke has me at Full Speed still, having plenty to say still. Isaiah just sits and drinks, giving the odd acknowledgement every couple of Sentences.

The months after my Birthday have passed, and things seem great between Maria and I. If i only knew what i know now.....

If i had just Put more Faith in You, and in my Heart. It Kills me to know how things would be if i had just manned up and told you how you made me feel....

After the first year, the strain began. We both worked. I had the accounting Job with the Contracting Company, and Maria was Working at a local Kids clothing store, and Volunteered at the Funeral Home, Along with her classes, AND she tutored.

i understood she had a full plate alot of the the time, not to mention the headaches and pains she would have. And that time of the month the poor girl was in pain Constantly.  So i didnt get upset or mad when she didnt have time to visit or was too tired from work. we were always talking.

But eventually the Strain and My past would come to Signal the End. it was August, 2015. My brother had fallen Behind on his Mortage Payments on his house, and needed to make a payment ASAP or he would lose the House. Naturally i gave him all the spare cash i could to keep a roof over our heads.

Unfortunately, It left me Penniless during the Month of August, which Marias Birthday was in.  I Felt Like Complete Shit but i was in a corner. I apologized to her and promised to make it up to her. It wasnt a big deal to her, but i just hated that it made me look like i dont give a shit. 

I had an Ace an hole, Though. i Saved a link to a site that makes Custom Rings that Maria had posted in Tumblr that she really liked and wanted. I ordered it and did it early enough to get it before Christmas.  It was already Too Late.

Maria was beginning to grow distant, not replying as soon or as often before. the replies getting shorter and shorter, the tone colder and colder. As we approached My birthday again, I plan a Group event with my friends and family, cause last year we went Paintballing and Maria wasnt there, she had work and class.

So im thinking of what i could do for a group, and i see that Charlie Murphy is doing a show ON my Birthday, a Friday! It was Perfect. I called and Reserved seats for everyone, ordered Bottle Service, i was so excited!

I texted Maria Telling her About the Comedy show and Date of My Birthday. She says she cant make it cause of work, she gets off at around 12. I was Bummed, but I understood. 

The Big Day comes and it starts off great. Work was a Breeze, and Maria greeted me with a Warm Happy Birthday first. As the day progressed Everything seemed Normal. As evening sets, we all get ready to go to the show. 8 o clock, Showtime!

it was a Fantastic Show, me and all my Friends and Family drinking and Laughing our Asses off. The only thing missing was Maria. I texted her before the show saying id text her after it was over. it woulda been near to midnight, and she coulda met up with us. The show ends around 1040, and the manager says we can finish off the bottles in the bar. Me and my Friends stay, and start getting Tanked. 

Midnight Comes, and i text Maria asking if she was off yet and if she wanted to come meet us. Time passes, and no reply.

she probably went home and crashed, she was probably tired, I think, as it wasnt Abnormal for her to Nap during the Day or whenever she could. So i check Facebook, and it Hits me.

A friend Tagged her and some friends at Westgate, not Long ago.

My heart Goes into FreeFall in My stomach.

Why would she be at Westgate After work? did she Ignore my Text...? why...?

My insecurites flared, and i assumed the worst. I remember everything going Quiet around me, My heart Hammering in my chest, blocking out all other noise.

i Shouldve just called. i Shouldve had more Faith in you, and what i Meant to you.

When every girl you date cheats on you and leaves, in a Row, it was hard not to assume the worst, when the worst is what always happens to you.

I remember the tears welling up in my eyes as i get up to go outside the bar. She went to go out with her friends, and she knew it was my Birthday Today....

It didnt make any sense to me, it all seemed so unbeliveable. But ive been wrong before. And add the excessive Alcohol, you get a Recipe for a Terrible Mistake. 

I wasnt Dumb, I knew Maria and I were Drifting apart, Our schedules getting more and more hectic. My job stressing me the fuck out day after day, Marias Packed Schedule.

I was so fucking stupid. Why did i wait? Why didnt i just drop to my knees and tell her when i look at her eyes, i feel like i could do anything. That when she was in my arms i Felt like i needed to become a Better man for her. Why did i wait?

December. Jerkoff Hipster making her ring is falling behind, gonna need a couple more weeks. delivery date mid Janurary. I Threw A fucking Fit. i could feel it all slipping away, no matter what I did. Why did i Wait?

I was so Terrified of Opening up to you, and you not feeling the same way. The Thought of looking into your eyes and telling you that i was in love with you, and i wanted to be with you forever, or until i died. I was Terrified of looking into your eyes and Shooting me down. The texts got shorter and shorter. only strengthening My doubts and Fears. 

Christmas. The Ring wasnt Ready yet. Another Fucking Embarassment. She got me a Captain Phasma Painting and some Marvel Shirts. I tell you, “look, i ordered this is time to get it for Christmas, but the Guy Got Delayed and it wasnt ready yet, but... i showed you the Ring on my Phone. 

It was the last smile i Saw on you in Person.

So many oppurtunities, wasted. so fucking Stupid. I promise to make it up to you.

Down to One Word Answers, or no Reply at all.

Janurary 2016. Hiroshima.

Valentines Day is Coming, Ill have the Ring Then! and i ordered a Cute little Stuffed Corgi to go with Some Flowers and a nice Romantic Date! i order everything and wait. 

You came over one week, and seemed in such a foul mood, i couldnt place it. I thought you were in Pain Probably. I tried to cuddle you, kiss your cheek, you clearly dont want the affection. I try something alittle more...Adult. 

You Grabbed my Wrist, and Yanked my Hand away, throwing it off you. I was in Shock. I still remember the look you Gave me that night, Clear as day. That Piercing Glare, Looking Right at me. Pure Anger. and Pain.

Youre replies, in thier Rarity, lacked no padding for thier sharp edges. I believe its all Over Now.

Late January 2016.

You came over one Last time. We had Sex one last time. I remember grabbing you after the first go around as you got up and laid you back down. I was such a Fool.

The Ring was Delivered that Weekend. Monday i text you to see when your free to visit next, your ring is ready and i wanted to see if it fit correctly. You reply your busy tomorrow. i ask with what? you reply with: Concert. i ask What concert. You say: Tribal Seeds.

You stopped Replying After That. The Next Day i texted you again asking when can you come hangout and see your Ring? 

You Broke up with me after that. 

It felt like everything around me had fallen below me, and all that was left was the dark and Silence. Typing about it now makes the Hole in my heart Ache. I remember how hard the Rain Poured that Night.....As i Cried along with it.

And it was only the Beginning for me.

The first weeks after that day are a blur to me. Either Too Many Drugs Or too Many Drinks, take your pic. i was Broken. One moment you were there, you were mine, and i was gonna fix everything come Valentines Day. I had a Nice Romantic Dinner planned, then a Scenic Walk where i would show you the ring and tell you that even though were having a Rough Patch right now, that i loved you and i wanted to do everything i can to prove it to you.

But you Had other plans didnt you?

God i can still feel my heart when I saw pictures of you and Him....I dont know how to Describe how Painful it was to see. It was only Feb, and you were already with someone else? Posting Valentines Shit? I cried for hours, I begged for you not to be like the others, To just leave me for Someone Else so Fucking Fast, like i was Nothing to you.

But thats how it went down, though. Didnt it?

Friends for over 5-6 Years, Lovers for 2.

I couldnt even get a goodbye.....Just a Text. Was that all i was worth, to you?

You got with him within Weeks of Dumping me. Yet your Tumblr youre heartbroken and sad. It was like i had Entered into some NIghtmare.

within the First Two Weeks, I dropped four Hits of Acid at Once. I wanted to Escape. Instead i jumped right into it. I see you posting on Tumblr. Sad, Depressing things. Your Tags show how you deleted the texts from your phone, even though you didnt want to. How you could literally see in your texts of your declining Affection for me. In the end, It was my own doing.

With the Courage of Acid, I messaged you. I ask if your okay, and you ask why, like i dont see your posts, like i dont possibly know why you could be feeling so sad. Even then, at the end, you couldnt be honest with me.

I ask you Maria cant we please Talk?

You say About what? Like you thought i was stupid.

And thats when i just finally, for the first time, although Far too Late. I opened up to you.

I remember Anatomy.

I Remember You At Barros that Day

I Remember Air Hockey at the Arcade.

I remember The Birthday Gift.

The Words poured out then like they do now, The Spark you set in my Heart was the most important thing to me.

Whatever i needed to do to make it work, no matter what, just please dont give up on me.....

You may as well as shot me dead with your reply.

“if you had said that before, things would be Completely different.”

“saying it Now doesnt Mean Much to me now”

Those words still Haunt Me, A Year Later. And it is not even the worst to come.

You Had the verdict long before i even knew. You Found my “dating Profile” Online, and didnt say anything. just let it stew inside you. As we grew apart it hurt to see you just blatantly ignore my messages. So i used that profile to look at women, nothing else. It was only on My Birthday i Night i Made a Mistake i Will Regret forever. Maria wasnt there, she was with her friends. she didnt want to come here, or answer my texts. she chose to be with my friends. I was always the girls’ Second Choice. I got Drunk. I got Upset. I wanted Petty Revenge. I cheated. I Dont even Remember her Name or what she really looked like. Never should have done it.

A month Passes. March. I ask to still be friends, and how i missed you. We start talking again, almost like how it used to be. Tagging each other in posts again.But i also See him. Concerts, posts, tags. It tore me apart. Some Days i would wake up at 4 AM from my alarm for work, and Your Face would be the first thing i see in my head. The Tears would flow before i could even open my eyes for the first time. I try to get you to meet up with me, so we can talk. After i opened up that night you agreed we should talk. Then you just changed your mind....You Said give it time, walk the path, smell the Roses, and maybe we can start again...

My heart is Pumping like a cannon as i go into detail for Isaiah, how i became a madman, was so motivated by the mere notion that MAYBE there was a CHANCE we could work it out later. I couldnt be stopped. I drank Nothing but Water, ate only Chicken, Raw Veggies, Salmon and Fish, and cut out ALL sugar and breads. I dropped 30 pounds in a Month, and was in great shape for a fight at the gym i trained at. I would watch these Inspirational videos everymorning at 3 AM, just to run for an hour. I posted everything on Snapchat, Only Because i Wanted Maria to see it. I was so Optimistic...

April 2016.

Family Vaction in Mexico. A week with a private beachfront Villa and as much Booze as i can drink. i go in with Gusto. The Villa Has Wifi, can keep up with your posts.tagged me in some. Then the posts about him.

I hated how it made me feel to read them. He had what i wanted for us. Our own Place. Just Us. and a Dog.

He took My Place and it Ate me Alive from the Inside.

I stayed up all night, drinking tequila by the shot, playing Toro Y moi and Chain smoking. I watched the reflection of the moon dance on the waves, and thought of you. When i hear the Ocean, and nights when the Moon is Large and Beautiful, i think of you. 

I Broke that night......

I knew there was no Path, no flowers to smell.

There was no Second Chance.

I Lost her.

And i couldnt get her back. She didnt want me anymore.

she wants someone else now, and when i Think about it I have to imagine Flames burning the thoughts away.

I guess after that night, i lost my motivation, i Wised up.

And i knew i had to come clean to you. It was the hardest thing i ever did.

It hurts so much still, looking back. Im So sorry...

Even after i hurt you that day, i still saw a sliver of you come through your walls.

I begged for you in time to forgive me, and over time we could be friends again. Let me earn back your trust, understand i made a Terrible Mistake and im willing to do anything to make it work.

Most people would have told me to go to hell and never talk to them again.

But not you. Not even then.

You Said, “ Maybe in time i will forgive you. maybe i wont. Depends on how i feel. for now you should make yourself scarce.”

I was stunned,,,those words hung on me for months after.  Did you really mean that, Maria?

And that was the last time i heard from you for awhile...i remember Breaking down at work....The Silence hurt the most. No Texts, No Posts, Nothing.

Not only did i lose the woman i Love, I lost a dear Friend as well...

When i Returned home, i Quit Training, I quit the fight, I quit Dieting. That deep, Dark Hole you brought me out of, Maria.....when i saw you that day....I went Right Back in.

since May 2016 i was in a hole that i could not get out of. sure, i made it look like i was living the life on snapchat, but in reality, on the inside, i was so broken.  Then Life Decided to kick me while i was down, and Took my Bonnie away from me. As if it couldnt get worse. My Brother and I Bawled as they put her to sleep. I was so fucking Lost.....

So i texted the one person who maybe might put up with my Bullshit....You.

and you were nice, you coulda kicked me when i was down and wouldve been justified. But you heard me out....More of that Real you shining through.

It is 4 AM now. i have spent all night telling this story to Isaiah, who has listened intently this whole time.

I tell him how after the months of Bonnies Death, I just didnt leave the house. Tried my Best to leave you be and not see shit that would kill me on the inside. The days became Quiet and Lonely. your presence in Tumblr becomes less and less active. 

I hardly see you or your posts anymore...

i harden my heart and try move on.

Then i see your posts about your health. the doctor scare, Lupus.

I felt so bad, and worried i wanted to see if you were okay, even though i knew you hate my guts.But i worried and Worried and finally said fuck it and just sent a message saying i heard what youre going through, im sorry, i hope you get better soon, if you need anything, please ask

I wasnt expecting a Response, Yet you sent one : Thanks for Caring.

couldnt expect more than that, so i leave it be.

That Night, Maria makes a post.

Its About me. 

My heart jumped into my throat and got stuck. My hands shook as i held my phone.

I didnt completely erase you out of my life.

i still think about you, from time to time.

Thank you for texting me today.

thank you for still caring about me.

Despite the shit i post on here, I still Care about you too.

And No its not the drugs Talking.

I read and Re-Read that post thousands of times in the following months. On Bad Days, Days where i wanted to give up. I read that post and it kept me going. First time reading it i Cried for hours. It was as if God heard a prayer.

To see you say that you still cared.....you will never know what that did. how that felt for me. Even Now it makes me tear up.

My heart didnt hurt as much after that, it healed some of it. I was always confused with Maria. One moment she says she cares, then comes off as your nothing to her. i never knew which was which.

and now, as the year came to face my Birthday again. There was only one thing i wanted. truly wanted. and if i got it, getting nothing else from anybody wouldnt even fucking matter.

I just wanted you to say Happy Birthday.

I didnt think you would. i thought you would have moved on by now, enjoying youre new life with him. I couldnt bleed about it any longer. i took the pieces of my heart and piece it back together again. i began to accept reality. and the pain began to dull.

NOV. 20th 2016

Saturday.

Woke up Early and went out to the woods to do some shooting. all day there. Head back for some Missouri BBQ, and get ready to get Blackout drunk Tonight. Night Goes well, Got trashed, had fun, Fought a couple dudes, enjoyed myself.

Got back to Devins Late that night. Eat Chocolate BDAY cake drunk.

Head off for bed. I sit on the edge of the bed and look at the time. 9:40 PM

She isnt gonna say it. Oh well. 

go to your blog to lookup your post to make me feel better.

Read the words, smile and Remember. Pain Begins to set in. 

back out of tags to leave, see another tag you never seen before.

“C and I”

click tag link.

Heart Explodes in my Chest, Breath Frozen in throat.

Its a picture. of us. Smiling. 

the Caption Read:” I know i have trouble expressing my emotions and feelings and stuff but this guy right here means the world to me. Hes sweet, caring and Funny and---”

I couldnt read the Rest. I began to Cry Non Stop, Like someone Just Told Me my mother was Murdered.

I couldnt stop it, couldnt control myself. The pain was so much. Each one more painful to look at. How did i never see them? How??

I couldnt do it anymore. I couldnt keep taking the pain of it. I deserved to be Happy too..

its been two months since that day.

its been over a year since i last seen you with my own eyes, heard your voice....

And now we reach the end of this story. i force myself to block out the memories, remember nothing.

I have to move on with my life....

and yet....after saying all that Isaiah, which After i had finished,  8 hours had passed. 8 hours i poured out my soul. such a weight had been lifted, it felt so good for someone to hear me out...

so i finish this sad story, and Isaiah asks me one question: How do you feel about her now?

I stayed quiet for a good amount of time. i mulled it over. every memory. Good. the Bad. The Ugly.  and i finally settled upon:

I miss her, Isaiah. Not like a lover misses his spouse, but like a friend who helped another Grow.

I hope to see you again one day, Maria.

[50funny]

Mage: Chapter 52- Dead End Leads

Written By 50Funny

Part 1- Salt Lake City

The Buss began to pull out of the station, revealing Liz, Alex, and Bip standing behind it. They looked off over the traditional looking village built running down the mountainside and into the valley below. Running through the valley was a long lake that seemed to glow silver in the sunlight going from horizon to horizon. All the buildings had Thatch rooftops simplistic designs.

“Well… this isn’t what I was expecting,” Liz said.

“This doesn’t look like the kind of place we’ll find a massive corporate office,” added Bip.

Liz turned and walked over to a small stand under the shade of the bus stop holding a bunch of different flyers and folded pieces of paper. She pulled out one of the pieces of paper and began to unfold it before looking down to read it.

“According to this, Steel lake City is the oldest city still around in the entire country.”

“Does it say anything about where we can find the Ora building?” Alex asked.

Liz turned over the sheet of paper to look at the map on the opposite side. She scanned the map intently for a few seconds before looking back up to Alex.

“Doesn’t look like it.”

“Guess we’re gonna have to look around. Come on let’s get moving, we’re burning daylight,” said Alex as he began to walk off, following the path down the mountain.

Bip let out a long sigh before flapping his wings and taking off behind Alex.

“Come on guys, what’s the hurry!” Liz yelled after her companions before following after them. “Cant we at least do a little sightseeing first, it’s not like the building’s going anywhere.

Part 2- Dead End

The group stood, their jaws dropped and eyes wide open in shock as they looked off into the distance. In front of them was a long yellow and black striped tape blocking their path. Beyond the tape stood the remains of their objective, crumbled down to rubble scattered all over the ground. several workers wearing high visibility clothes and hard hats strolled around the site, cleaning up the rubble. The group continued to stand in complete silence and disbelief.

“W… what the hell happened?” Liz stammered

“They must have known we’d come here and destroyed all the evidence before we could get to it,” Alex replied.

“I don’t think I can take any more set back like this,” Bip added in a hopeless and empty tone.

One of the workers closes to the group turned around as he heard them talking. He had his hand raised in front of him glowing a light blue with a cluster of rubble hovering in front of him with the same glow.

“Hey, you kids!” The man yelled, snapping the group out of there disbelief. “What are you doing here? This is an active worksite, you can't be this close without a hard hat at least,” the man continued before returning his gaze to his work.

The man moved his hands, shifting the cluster of rubble through the air and over a bin before letting in drop inside with a loud thud. Alex, Liz, and Bip walked towards the man, ducking under the tape to get closer. The man turned to see the group approaching.

“Hey what did I just tell you? You’re definitely not allowed in here, get the hell out before I call the boss down here.”

“What happened here, how did the building come down?” asked Alex.

“Huh? How the hell should I know? I’m just here to do a job. Now beat it Kid’s I’m not kidding around,” The worker said before lifting up another pile of rubble.

“So what’s the plan now?” Liz asked.

Alex turned around to look at the rest of the group.

“Guess we should comb through the rubble for any clues,” Alex replied

A figure walked by the closed-off area stopping as he heard the group talking. He looked over to the group as they talked. The worker let out a long loud sigh of frustration.

“What don’t you understand…” The man said before quickly turning to face the group. “About getting the hell out of here!”

The man raised his hands and with a hefty shove pushed the group out under the security tape and onto the ground outside.

“Ow… rude,” Liz muttered.

“Go to school or something!” The man yelled as he went back to work.

The stranger from outside the tape walked over to the group as they pulled themselves up from the ground.

“Well well , it looks like you lot are still getting into trouble… guess some things don’t change,” Came a familiar voice.

The group turned around to look at the stranger only to be greeted by the familiar face of Tobin smiling back at them.

Part 3- Catching Up

Liz, Bip, and Alex sat on the matted floor with their legs crossed and hands in their laps. Across from the group sat Tobin in a similar position.

“It’s good to see you again, I tried to keep in contact with as many people as possible after the test but you guys kinds just fell off the radar,” Tobin said

“Yeah haha… sorry about that, we’ve been busy doing the whole mage thing,” said Liz.

“So what happened with that building? You know the one that came down?” Alex asked.

“Huh? Don’t know. Came down a few weeks ago, guess it was just poorly constructed, good riddance anyway I say.”

“So I take it you’re not a big fan of the Ora corporation then?” Bip asked.

“What? I just hated that building, me and the rest of the city it was hardly in keeping with the city’s aesthetic.”

There was a silence amongst the group as they waited for someone to speak.

“What about you? If I remember correctly you came here to study under that Ramond guy tight?”

“Yeah... I learned a lot under him,” Tobin said as he looked off at the wall to a water painting of Ramond. “After he passed, a lot of his students thought I should take over and become the new grandmaster, but even more wanted to take control for themselves. If I’m being honest, I didn’t really want to take over, but after the old man's will was found it kind of put any rest to the discussion of who would be his successor. A lot of people decided to straight-up quit and go to form there own dojos, and even those who stayed did it more out of respect for the old man less so them for me. With all that going on I've barely even had time to look at the guild board let alone do any mage work. And now with all this curse business going on everyone wants me to fix things… but I mean what can I do about it.”

Liz, Alex, and Bip looked across at each other confused before turning to look at Tobin.

“What do you mean by a curse?” asked Bip.

“You mean you haven’t heard? I thought you guys had come here to sort it all out?”

The group simultaneously shook their heads.

“Well.. supposedly the village is under some sort of curse, with how old this city is they have all sorts of old myths and legends, I try not to pay to much attention to it. A couple of months ago, kids all around the city started disappearing in the middle of the night. The strange thing is it only happens to kids with some sort of magical ability. Most of the city is blaming it on one of their old myths.”

“what’s the myth?” Liz asked.

Tobin closed his eyes and took in a long breath.

“Supposedly in ancient times there was a peasant woman who’s beauty was unmatched. On top of that, she was a powerful magic-user. One day a duke passed through the town and found himself enamored with the women. Within a week the two where married. The man lavished her with all sorts of beautiful and fancy gifts, by all accounts the pair were very happy. After a few months, they started trying for a child, and that is when things began to take a turn for the worse. No matter how hard they tried the women couldn’t conceive. The high society that the women found herself surrounded by started to whisper about her, talking about her failings as a wife. After a while, she couldn’t take it anymore. She used her magic to make the children of those who would speak ill of her disappear in the middle of the night. Soon people would gossip, claiming she was the one taking the children, soon they to would find their children being taken in the night. Eventually, with age, the women’s beauty began to fade and her husband left her, not long after she died, alone and bitter. Even after death, however, she continued to curse the city, taking the children of anyone who would gossip about her. Most of the people of the city believe that the curse is responsible for all the disappearances,” Tobin explained.

Liz looked down to the ground as she began to rub her chin in thought.

“Children disappearing huh? Maybe we should take a look at it,” Liz muttered.

“No way,” Alex butted in. “I’m sorry but we’ve gotta focus on our own goal here, tomorrow we should go back to the building sight tomorrow and look around for any clues.”

“Come on Alex… don’t act like your not a little interested, what if the disappearances have something to do with the building collapsing?”

Alex looked off in thought for a moment plunging the group into silence.

“You’re welcome to stay here till the morning, usually the bunks are only for students but none’s staying here at the moment anyway,” said Tobin.

“I mean… I guess, as long as it wouldn’t be any hassle,” Liz replied. Tobin began to stand up.

“Please… I insist. I'll go get everything ready.”

Tobin walked off to ready a room, leaving Alex and Liz to discuss there next course of action.

________________________________________________________________

Thank you for reading chapter 52 of mage. If you like what you see consider checking out my AO3 at this link https://archiveofourown.org/users/50Funny to see all new chapters 3 days early. Really enjoyed writing the last arc so hope this one is just as much fun, glad to be back at it in any case. If you feel so inclined please consider following my tumblr for all updates and other tid bits. Until next time , have a good day.