#our cute widdle ship!

[the-pinstriped-hood]

Fruitful Moon Pt. 3

Once again, Darrell Todd belongs to @bluecoolr.

The stuffed toy was sitting next to Darrell at his bedside as he slept. That raggedy toy was his ticket, his ticket to getting closer to the girl. Scenes of their encounter played over and over in his mind like a looping film reel with no clear end. Feeling her silk like hair between his fingers, the soft plumpness of her lips; and her eyes! Glazed over and unmoving, precious pink jewels rolling around in her skull without function. The moon over head that night had cast them both in incandescent light. He doubted she had barely remembered their encounter, at least he hoped she wouldn't remember. She was blind after all so he had that as an advantage. The lycanthropes' fingers drummed on his chest, deep in thought.

This was the second night in a row the thought of her had kept him awake, it was upsetting him. Such fluttery feelings were not for his mortal enemy.

…But was she his mortal enemy? Had she not said she abhorred blood? Lies most likely. Lies from a terrified welp of a girl. Doing anything she could to go on to be a parasite to society. And he himself had delivered her right to her destination out of pity. A slight investigation would calm his nerves.

Was she an actual threat?

Was her blindness, a trick?

He shook his head. Of course not. She was helpless.

Helpless and small, weak and gentle. Gorgeous, beautiful and STOP.

Darrell huffed angrily, sitting up, covered in sweat. He bared his teeth and grabbed the toy. Tonight. He would find out tonight.

—-------

Juliet and Priscilla both busied themselves in the kitchen. They had been all evening. Squeezing apples into juice and making sure there was plenty of fresh juice for Claudia.

It was such an odd mutation: the fact that her body did not rebuild itself via the ichor of other living beings but on the liquids of various fruits like a few species of bats did. The Lord and Lady Grey were rather perplexed at this outcome for their daughter: not only being promised their daughters sight back via turning and being lied to by the family doctor, but also forsaking blood. Claudia choosing to sink her fangs into a fresh pear and draining it of its juices, its flesh becoming leathery and wilted without its liquid contents.

This was what Claudia was now, one of a kind. Despite her disability she was taught to read via braille, learn arithmetic and dictation as well as public speaking. What Claudia loved to do most, was sing. Her parents wept in joy that their lovely daughters voice had not been sullied by sorrow at the loss of her sight but preferred to find good things about her long life which were plentiful.

However due to the attack on her carriage it seemed the young maiden refused to sing or barely speak. If it were to speak it was usually asking about who had brought her home.

The blonde haired stranger who left before he could even be rewarded for their charges safe trip to her new home. Little could be told about the man who had piqued Claudia's curiosity.

A Lycanthrope. Claudia was sure. He smelled a dog, a mongrel and a beast. His large clawed hands wrapped around her delicate throat in the air as she kicked helplessly. She didn't disclose that part for fear of worrying her maids further. According to them the bruise on her neck was healing. She sat on her bed, awaiting Juliet to lead her to the dining hall for breakfast.

As Juliet made her way up the stairs, there was a rather loud knock at the door. She drew further as another loud knock accompanied it. The brunette maid opened the large wooden door to find the blonde haired stranger had returned.

"Oh! Hello sir, may I help you?"

Darrell smiled, clearing his throat. "Sure hope ya can. Was makin' my way back from huntin' and I came across this in an old fox hole." Darrell lied, producing the stuffed dog from his coat pocket. "Figured a fancy lookin' toy like this might belong to that girl…"

Juliet lit up. "Come inside please!"

Darrell nodded and walked in after the maid, the front door being shut behind both of them. "I'm sure the my lady would love to meet her saviour again, sir. May I have your name?"

"Darrell, Darrell Todd."

"Upstairs then, sir. Lady Claudia will be more than pleased to see you've returned her favorite stuffy to its rightful owner!"

The pair trekked upstairs as Juliet gently knocked on the girls door. "Lady Claudia, you have company."

There was a slightly muted "Come in!"

The maid gestured Darrell forward. "Hi, ma'am I hope ya don't mind me barging in like this, I found something that belongs to ya."

Claudia looked over towards the sound of the man's voice. Their hands met as the toy was transferred over. Her hands roamed over the roughed up fabric, complete silence. "Mr. Cuddles…" Claudia teared up.

Tag: @slaasherslut @rottent33th @soupbabe @slasherscrybaby @probably-a-plant-thing @damien-mlm @kalid-raven @angxlslasher @6lostgirl6

[bluecoolr]

Claudia Grey and Darrell Todd

From @the-pinstriped-hood 's fic Fruitful Moon! (Do give this a read! It's absolutely wonderfully written and Claudia's vampirism is so unique!)

[lokittystuckinatree]

Happy Pride losers, I’m ready to be clowned but my dumb ass is now convinced Rogue is the Master…

Rogue and Renegade have eerily similar meanings under the right circumstance.

To rebel against an organized group. To go rogue.

An endearingly naughty person

Koschei, our second fave Renegade Time Lord

Apparently they were also called a Rogue Time Lord? I am not making this up.

Although Maestro is Master in Italian and look how that turned out

“Lord” interesting.

Red and Blue. The master and 13 were red and blue coded respectively. Have they switched, Symbolically?

Rogue was looking at the Doctor rather nefariously, even once they were buddies. Just go through some of the scenes again. It’s harder than you’d think to tell if he’s trying to seem seductive or evil

The entire premise of this ep seems to be “things are not as they seem; people are not as they appear” which is a Master staple

The Master has been haunting the fuck out of the narrative lately.

Here’s my thread on just how much

When I saw the first trailer, I instinctively thought “ballroom dance guy” was gonna be the new Master

The inside of Rogue’s (familiarly messy) ship has controls eerily similar to the configuration of a TARDIS.

Rogue is obviously a time traveler if he has that space ship and knows DnD (Rogue + Time + Lord. Oh?)

DnD might be a dead giveaway

Was Rogue’s name being inspired by DnD necessary to include? Cute thing the writers wanted to put in, or clue?

Why would Rogue know what DnD was but not know what cosplay or improv was?

The Master has been taken prisoner by the Toymaker, infamous for his love of? Games. You know who also has a running theme of “winning” and “losing”? The Master

In DnD you play as a character and rely on skill and chance to survive within the confines of a structured storytelling game. Bending the rules is often involved. The Master tried that against the Toymaker and failed.

DnD players will often have little tiny figurines of their characters. Remind you of anything?

the Master is a dnd rogue archetype. Trickster, lone wolf, shapeshifter.

If the Doctor is symbolically trapped in a TV show, is the Master trapped in a game? If the Toymaker is the DM, is he going rogue against the Toymaker?

The Master is infamous for their disguises and “cosplays” and has catfished the Doctor before.

Rogue is almost suspiciously too much the Doctor’s type. He’s like the love child of River Song and Jack Harkness. He is exactly the type of character the Master would create to lure and seduce the Doctor.

He and the Doctor just…get each other. It’s like they’ve known each other for much longer than a few hours. They’re too cushy (haha)

Rogue threatened to kill the Doctor, and then imprisoned him in a nice little cage. Familiar?

He tried to make the Doctor kill Ruby, who we all know is just Clara 2.0. Familiar?

He knows too much and too little

He knew the party was attended by alien birb people but only knew about one alien birb? And did he reaaaally think Doc was an alien bird?

The Dancing. They knew they wanted there to be a dance party before they even settled on a time period setting for the episode. Enough said.

The ring was…interesting

That’s a lot of commitment, even if only a promise ring. Something tells me he intended it as an engagement ring though

Someone tried to write a book in the 80s where 5 and Ainley were ex spouses, but it was shot down

Just an unrelated detail, but a ring on the pinky is a gay thing

Mirroring. Thoschei do that. A lot.

“You!” “No, you!” “no, you!”

The way they danced

The scene where they kept turning on and off the music

Speaking of music…Bad Guy by Billie Eilish? Too on the nose? Can’t get you out of my head? Poker face?

You remember that lady’s hand that picked up the Master in his widdle toof? Hand of the Rani?

This episode was written by two women. The Master would literally be in women’s hands

I remember watching Sacha Dhawan’s Spy Master for the first time and going…darn, he reminds me so much of Avengers era Loki. Kate Herron directed season 1 of the Loki Series and had a lot of creative control. Would it really be surprising if RTD (confirmed Loki fan) went to her for the Master after Sacha?

Didn’t Russell say he’s leaving the Master for “other writers?”

“The Master is parked” did he happen to park a Tardis disguised as an everyday spaceship???

In an interview, Kate said she and Briony designed Rogue to be the Doctor’s “equal”

References

“When I see him, I’ll know” and he is drawn to Rogue like a magnet.

“Travel with me” who must you be to want the Doctor to be your companion instead of vice verse

“We can argue across the stars”

“I’m in your head” + “can’t get you out of my head” + the Master being referenced multiple times in almost every episode since PoTD

“I’m trigger happy” feels really fucking intentional

He said “find me.” If he is the Master, the person he lost was the Doctor, (notice he said “them” and not “her” or “him?”) and the Master and Doctor always find each other.

Scream of the Shalka? And didn’t the Master fall through the floor like 40 times in Curse of Fatal Death? Richard E Grant was the Doctor in both of those.

For more, @bugeater77 and friends have this lovely thread

Guys CHECK MY REBLOG, RTD posted something wild.

[moonrisecalamityretreat]

All Castle Walls Shall Fall

[♫♫]

The inside of the airship is darker than usual. The sunlight debilitating your ability to see into the dark? … No, that’s not quite right. Light filters through, in the cracks between the doorway, and what is sitting in it.

Sitting? No…

Standing.

Looming.

Angeline and Diabelle run towards the ship, giggling, and something slowly lumbers out to them.

There are parts of it that look like a rabbit. Long ears, flat against its head, and a small tail - but none of it is cute, or soft. Ragged fur hangs in uneven patches, stained with something you can’t quite make out but you can guess at. The fur mats around it’s head, casting a shadow so dark that you can hardly see the shape of the maw - but you can see the razor sharp teeth that catch the light of the sun. Dozens upon dozens. Jagged. Uneven.

And you can also see the eyes. Tiny pinpricks devoid of light yet shining through shadows, narrow and small, and staring directly at you.

“This is the Fleshcrawler of the Abyssal Wastes, Aldebaran! He’s our super favourite, number one pet - and until someone dies, he’s going to be hunting you. Teehee!”

Your blood runs cold - you can’t help it. A name like that said in Angeline’s happy go lucky voice should make you laugh, but whereas the rabbits have never once seemed like they wanted to be the ones to personally harm you, you know that’s not true of this… thing. 

“Soooo~... Since the Angel’s lost, that means little Aldie will target you over anyone else! If there’s one Angel in a room of Devil’s, then Aldie is sure to go for them first. It’s only fair! Losers are punished, no matter what. So if you wanna stay safe, keep a friendly widdle Angel with you, hehe~.”

You’re sure that, like Angeline and Diabelle, this creature is a robot. It must be. But it’s body heaves and sways, and you swear you can hear it pant through it’s maw of sharp teeth. The body is tensed, muscles that may not exist poised to bolt forward and strike.

“Go ahead and fight back, if you really wanna. Maybe you’ll hold him off, but FYI? You’re better off running. You won’t get out of a fight unscathed.”

“Alrighty, we’ll send him off! We’ll give you a widdle bit of time before he comes after you, okie dokie? Have fun!”

Both rabbits laugh, running back into the airship. Aldebaran turns and follows them, disappearing into the airship with clicking nails that scratch the floor beneath. The second he’s gone, the safety net of knowledge is gone, too. At any point, he could come back, and he could attack - and the only way to make sure he doesn’t attack you is to kill.

The hard part is making sure you don’t die before then.

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

Being Nekoma's Manager:

Dating Yaku Morisake

*look at the little hair flutter 🥺

Yaku Morisake featuring Nekoma x Fem! Manager

Warnings: light Swearing (?), YN fights men

A/N: This is a request from Spooky anon 👻 @cookiesandmilksx ! Also requests coming M,W, F staring September 5th!

Go go Nekoma! Push it, push it Nekoma!

I literally write whatever comes into my brain 😅

YAKU MORISAKE!! Our resident libero and demon senpai 😈

Love that for him!

He's more than earned the name- from his rigorous training of Lev

To his teasing of Kuroo

Yaku is one spicy gremlin

However, he's not all spice

Especially for his soft and sweet girlfriend

That's right YN, for you Yaku is legit the softest boi 🥺

When you first became Nekoma's Manager, Yaku took an instant liking to you

We all know he likes girls with short hair

BUT 👀 no matter the length of your locks, Yaku finds you so adorable and cute

It's actually kind of a phenomenon to Nekoma

They are all so confused 😕

What happened to Yaku?? And why does he only act like that around you 🤨

Kenma and Kai are the first to figure out why

The other ones aren't stupid just kind of clueless in a sense

Once Kuroo figures it out, Rooster boy never let's it go 😅

"I see someone has a crush on our precious manager"- Kuroo 😏

Yaku 👉🏻😐😑

"Who?"- Lev and Yamamoto simultaneously

Kenma and Kai 👉🏻😐🙄

Kuroo will pester Yaku until he finally snaps

Legit it will happen one day strong practice

Kuroo has been bothering Yaku all day about asking you out

Yaku had been busy training Lev so his patience is already at zero 😅

"Just do it Yaku. You're not scared are you?"- Kuroo 🙃

That's when Yaku loses it

"WILL YOU SHUT UP! I WANT TI MAKE IT SPECIAL FOR HER! YN IS A SPECIAL PERSON AND DESERVES THE BEST"-Yaku screams

Unbeknownst to Yaku, you heard the entire thing

Oop-

"You- you like me Morisuke?"- You

Yaku turns slowly and stares at you 👁👄👁

Kenma and Kai 👉🏻😐🤦

Kuroo 👉🏻😏

The rest of the team 👉🏻🍿👀

Yaku is now sweating 😰

"Well I- uh, I umm well"- Yaku, the blubbering mess

Sorry YN you have to step in ✋🏻

You walk up to Yaku, give him a kiss on the cheek and say

"I like you too Mori"- you say, giggling at his blush

Yaku 👉🏻😐😳😍

Kuroo 👉🏻😏 still smug, he'll say this was his plan all along

We know it wasn't

Kenma and Kai 👉🏻😮‍💨 finally

The team 👉🏻🥺🤧

And thus begins the ship know as YakuYN

Yaku is so sweet to you YN

Mans will pick flowers for you and walk you home

Honestly he is the softest boy only for his Nekoma's precious YN

And you are literally the princess of Nekoma

All the boys adore you 🥰

You dote on then individually, encouraging them all to do their best

When Yaku or Kuroo get upset, you know exactly how to calm them down!

You encourage our bby Shibayama to do his very best

You know just how to get Kenma motivated

By stealing his switch and/or phone 👀

And you know jusy how to deal with Lev 🙄

That's right, our resident problem child

You know just how hard Yaku is on Lev

So you try and be the more nurturing of the two 🥰

It's like good cop, bad cop

Yaku widdles Lev down to nothing and YN swoops in to save the day 🙌🏻

You can deal with alot of the crap the guys dish out, including Lev

However 👀 if there is one thing you don't tolerate, it's when Lev or anyone makes fun of Yaku's height

You happen to love your short king 🥺

And when you get on YN's bad side 😬

Let's just say I don't want to be anywhere close to you ✋🏻

I value my life thank you very much 😅

So one day at practice, Lev is feeling a bit bold?? Sure let's go with that

He walks into the gym and Yaku immediately starts in

It's really no different than usual

But then, it happens 👀

"I wouldn't expect you to understand Yaku, you're so short it probably went over your head"- Lev

The gym 👉🏻 dead silent 😶

Everyone, including Yaku, looks to you

You're head slowly turns to glare at Lev

Exorcist anyone?? 👀

Lev can feel the heat of your gaze YN, he's afraid to look at you

Lev 👉🏻👀

You 👉🏻➖️👄➖️

Lev 👉🏻😧

You 👉🏻🔥👄🔥

You get up and walk towards the guys

The scariest part is how calmly you walk over to them

Kai probably helps the first years evacuate the area 😅

Their precious eyes don't need to see this

Yaku is mentally trying to figure out how to handle this

He does his best to ca you down

"YN hey its ok, Lev and I do this stuff all the time. You know that big tall idiot"- Yaku, laughing without humor

"Morisake"- you say holding your hand up to him and glaring

That's all it takes before Yaku is like " I've done best 🙏🏻 thoughts and prayers Lev"

Kenma grabs his phone out to record 📱

Kuroo is ready to have Inuoka replace Lev

Kai is planning Lev's funeral

"Would you like to repeat that Lev?"- You say, glaring at the tall beast

Lev rn 👉🏻👁💧👄💧👁 ummmm

"I'd think LONG and HARD before you answer Lev Haiba"- you say (THATS WHAT SHE SAID)

NOT THE GOVERNMENT NAME 😫

"I-uh- I'm sorry YN"- Lev 😰

"Don't apologize to me, apologize to Yaku"- you spit

No matter your height, Lev flinches 😅

YN fights men ok ✌🏻

"Yaku I'm so sorry. I totally lost my tempter"- Lev practically begs

Really Yaku isn't mad at Lev but he's too afraid to say anything in fear that you might lose it 😅

"Its-its ok Lev"- Yaku answers cautiously

Like the flip of a switch, your mood changes

"There! I'm so glad we are all friends"- you 🥰

Your boyfriend looks at you 👉🏻😶

Lev 👉🏻🥲 yeah...

The team 👉🏻👀🍿

You kiss Yaku on the cheek and skip away, returning to your duties

"Remind me never to talk smack about Yaku around YN"- Kuroo whispers to Kai

You hear him, your head snapping to glare at kuroo

Kuroo 👉🏻🤐

That's right 💅🏼 nobody messes with Yn and her man!

[popculturebuffet]

Ducktales Treasure of the Golden Sun: Three Ducks of the Condor or Now with More Racism!

Hello all you happy people! And welcome back to my look at Ducktales: Treasure of the Golden Suns!, the pilot episodes that started it all. This look was one of my patreon stretch goals. To explain them in case some of you aren’t familiar with patreon it’s essentially like a kickstarter stretch goal: every milestone I reach in my monthly earnings means a crop of reviews for you guys, with this being 10 and my review of the movie, and the goofy movies in two weeks and September respectively, being the 15 dollar one. So if you want reviews of the OTHER Ducktales mini series Time Is Money and Super DuckTales, then hop on aboard and help me reach my 20 dollar goal so I can keep making these reviews for a living and give you all more. Said goal also includes a Darkwing Duck review eveyr month AND a review of teh Danny Phantom special The ULtimate Enemy so hop on board HERE AT MY PATREON.  Patrons also get exclusive reviews, access to my discord server (Though if anyone would be more intrersted in me making that public let me know), and to pick a short each time I do a birthday special for a character from Looney Tunes, Disney and Beyond. And next month is my boy Donald’s so since you all already sat out goofy NOW is the time. 

So now my very necessary plug is out of the way, i’m very poor, we can get to the review proper:

When last we left off Scrooge and the Boys went on their first proper adventure together, heading to Central America to follow the map from the first episode and running into Dr.Claw  El Capitan and his new best buddy Glomgold. Mild racisim, moonsoons and much better pacing ensued. 

So join me under the cut as my boy Donald returns, some iconic characters are introduced in Webby, Launchpad and Beakly, though this series only made one of them iconic to be fair, and we get some more mild racisim because fuck my life. Onward to the cut! 

So yeah as I’ve mentioned a few times now this episode had a content warning.. which was fair as there is some pretty cringy stuff in here but it had the side effect of me holding my breath until the racisim came up and whapped me in the face. So i’m keeping that tension up for you guys so I don’t have to suffer alone. 

We open at the Mansion. Scrooge is trying to find a governess for the boys, but they keep scaring off all the clients because they don’t like the idea. And for once.. i’m on Scrooge’s side here. Yes I know there’s a sterotype of rich people hiring a nanny to not have to parent. and it’s sadly often true and it’d SEEM like Scrooge is doing that.. but really he just wants the boys to be safe. He’s fully grown to care for them and just wants someone cheap and responsible to look after them while he’s busy and clearly still makes time for them. As someone who is a former nanny, albeit for someone working class, I get that as much as you WANT to spend every moment with your kid you often can’t. I say all this because SO MANY kids movies and shows villianize parents for not spending time with their kid when their clearly just working to support them. There are nuanced exceptions to this and refreshingly Craig of the Creek has outright avoided this: JP’s mom is gone almost all the time due to working as an airline pilot, but while he clearly misses her he never resents her or guilts her over it, he understands sh’es supporting him and goes out of his way to make sure his friends can meet her. It’s really swee.t And while again I get it, this guys a billionare, most examples aren’t, Scrooge still really CAN’T stop working: He has more money than god and like most bilionares REALLY should give most of it to charity or to help with programs instead of hoarding it in a massive bin.. but he’s also got tons of companies, factories, investments... people COUNTING on him to make sure these are working correctly and keep their jobs. So yeah i’ts nice that the show isn’t demonizing scrooge for this or dosen’t even consider it: he’s getting help beacuse he needs it, that’s what’s important. 

So while the boys widdle down the nannies, Scrooge talks to a renowned coin collector. He does show off his collection to the guy, but his main goal is naturally to show him the coin from last time. Turns out that naturally for a five part episode the treasure they lost last time was just a fraction of the real thing and the real titular treasure is a mythical horde even Scrooge, who normally has proved something out of myth is very real 5 times before breakfast, didn’t think existed. 

Something I do love about this five parter is how every treasure hunt has ended up being important each piece of the puzzle leading to the next like any good treasure hunt. As for where this one leads the collector HAS heard of only one other coin like it, up in the Andes Mountains in a mysterious fortress whose mountain habitat and being a fortress makes it hard to get to and the owner is apparently a real piece of work.. but Scrooge isn’t afraid of a little hard work and is ready to go after it.. he just has to find a Nanny first. 

And he does as there’s only one left: Mrs. Beakley, who we FINALLY meet after two episodes. Yeah for some weird reasont his episode choose to cram the rest of the major main and supporting cast into one episode.. it still works, they all still get great introductions it’s just weird to me when you have five episodes to not say introduce Launchpad last time. 

But regardless as I said it’s a good intro.. despite the boys wilding a lasso and a snake.

 Beakly is unphased and even dosen’t remotely fall for them trying to say she got the wrong name. And while Scrooge is a little impressed, he’s even more when she states she’ll work for free... with one condition: Free room and board for her and her grandaughter, Webby, who has been there the whole time and looking cute as a button. Scrooge is unsure but one minute of Webby being adorable later and he’s agreed. She can’t eat much right? He also hopes she’ll help the boys not be douchebags, unaware that their inherent poorly written sexisim means that was never going to work. And why yes I will call it out eveyr time it happens because it happens every time they have an episode together and only gets worse. 

He goes to Gyro for help and Classic Gyro.. is utterly delightful. While I clearly have issues with Classic Scrooge, whose a greedy poorly aged asshat and the boys, who are sterotypes of male children, Gyro? He’s nice, friendlya nd eccentric, using a delightfully wakcky pogo hat thing to think and takes only a mintue to figure out how to solve a seemingly unsolvable problem and only needs a few hours to build his cool looking bird ship, using bird legs to offset the hard to sort out landing conditions. But since it’s a fancy bitch, it needs a pilot and i’m sure we all know where this is going...but since Carol Danver sis busy he has to go with Launchpad. 

Launchpad’s intro is great, cheerful as he does a job testing a plane and naturally crashes it, and when thought dead walks out seconds later unharmed and jolly as ever. Scrooge is naturally terrified of the prospect of flying with him but dosen’t really have another choice “I hope my insurance is paid up.” Scrooge it’s you.. of course it isn't. 

So with that our hero bids a farewell to the boys and ends up unteitonally coming off MASSIVELY unlikeable. No really he leaves them behind for their saftey despite needing help... and then upon finding out Donald is going to be on leave soon in the andes, and just assumes that YOU KNOW, he’d LIKE to go on a dangerous exausting adventure instead of actually get some rest after working in the goddamn navy and STILL dosen’t take the kids along despite having a very tearjerking farewell IN FRONT OF HIM that happened at most a month ago. Granted i’m suprised Donald is getting leave this soon.. but since I genuinely like to look into this sort of thing and the last time I didn’t I was correctly reminded Gulliver’s Travels was a satire.. and found out someone HAD actually watched the Jack Black movie. I only vaugely remember a trailer.. I thinkn it was a trailer? Maybe it was the middle part of a juinor novelzation where htey have all the photos? I really don’t know. I know almost every pokemon on sight but not where I saw pictures of a forgetable jack black movie, what a shock. 

So long story short I DID google it. Here’s what I got

So given clealry more time has passed than we’ve seen on screen, enough time COULD have passed for Donald’s three day pass to kick in. So credit to the crew for actually thinking that out. They still get all the blame though for not only not seeing how bad not taking the kids to see the uncle whose like a father to them a month after he left when he CLEARLY can is bad, but how worse it is that the first break donald gets ina  month.. is spent helping scrooge against his will on a life or death treasure hunt. 

And I get WHY they wanted to try out having Donald on an adventure: he was in most of the carl barks material.... but I also dont’ get it as Launchpad was deisgned entirely to fill in for Donald when needed, we’re only three episodes into the series and this gives the wrong impression Donald will guest star a lot more. In practice while he still did get a meaty 8 episodes on the show including this one, 2 of which were cameos and the pilot only dosne’t count because of the exnteded slapstick sequence, and dosen’t appear at all after season 1, likely because Fenton’s introduction made him reduntant as he was an even more blatant Donald stand-in. It just feels weird to shove him into the pilot movie when we should be focusing on our main cast, epsecially with so many getting intorduced this episode. It woudl’ve made more sense for Gyro to be the third man instead and it woud’ve elmaited Scrooge’s uttelry horrible actions here of depriving his nephews of their surrogate father. 

So Uncle Dickstick leaves with Launchpad to go abduct donald.... and tha’ts not me being funny, that’s what actually happens. Donald is singing out on leave.. with his superior... weirdly doing paper work outside on the flight deck. 

And is angry at Donald because of him taking pictures and stuff and threatens him if he’s not back exactly in time... because look he’s on a boat with a bunch of sweaty men but as the most superior officer he can’t enjoy that so he has to get off SOMEHOW and ruining donald’s life just happens ot be a thing for him. 

So yeah Scrooge straight up naps Donald via claw and Donald is angry, wondering, as you’d expect “What’s the big idea”.. and once Scrooge clairfies he did it.. still asks that because what the fuck. And the episode treats this as comical, as it does Launchpad not understanding Donald.. and don’t get me wrong you CAN make a good “I can’t understand Donald Duck” joke, the 2017 series made PLENTY. But said series also spoiled me as they did it with far more effort, while also still showing just how much it would suck to have everyone around you struggle to hear what you say and never listen to you. They actually cared abotu Donald’s well being where as this one thinks “Gee you knwo what would go great iwth a hard month’s naval work? MORE WORK HELPING YOUR UNCLE GET RICHER FOR NO PERSONAL BENIFIT AFTER HE KIDNAPS YOU”. 

So our heroes.. and scrooge, head to Andes and find the temple and it’s here “Sigh” we met our antagonist. A Conquestador Douche who DOES have a name and it is on the wiki.. but is so generic and unlikeble I’m just going to keep calling him conquestador douche, whose introduced waving his sun coin around while the natives all bow to him because of the coin.

Welcome to the racisim! Admitely it’s not as bad as Treasure of the Lost Lamp, that’s a high bar to clear, but ti’s still not great to have the racist cliche of “character conquers a civilization because of they belivie he’s a messenger for their “silly” god”. And the saddest part is not that I didn’t notice this trope and how bad it was as a kid watching shows like this... but that as an ADULT about 4 years ago when I watched this episode how racist it and this trope in general was didn’t register to me at all. That.. really bothers me that it took me this long to pick up on things like this and i’m sorry for it. 

That’s honestly WHY we need these warnings and WHY i’m so hard on this racisim: it wasn’t necessary, it could’ve been removed and you clearly just didn’t care or didn’t realize it was racist. And even acceptable for the time dosen’t work for anymore: I learned recently that the creators of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, both white, hired black writers..and actually LISTENED, looking to them for personal stories and to check them if one of the white staff wrote something that wasn’t true to the black experience. I know that sounds like the bare minimum but this was the early 90′s, that kind of thinking wasn’t hte norm like it is in most writer’s rooms now.. and sadly not ALL writer’s rooms. Not only that but just today I ran into a MST3K skit that lampooned this kind of bullshit from not long after this episode. People clearly knew better, the writers of this episode just didn’t’t care

 So yeah, I get this was a kids show in the 80′s, I get the writing staff being almost all white.. but they still coudl’ve avoided cliche sterotypes and done something diffrent. It was was still wiithin white people like myselves power to actually think about something other htan themselves and we did not. So i’m never going to stop holding my own people accountable for just how BADLY we’ve fucked up in ways great and small because it still hasn’t stopped , likely never will so I won’t. 

But yeah.... the tribe here are portrayed as ignorant, mindless dumbasses who blindly follow tradition and a clearly corrupt leader. It’s patronizingly stupid to assume just because a belief system is diffrent than yours a person will belieive anything. Religion CAN make people act stupid, the fact many people are homophobic simply because the bible, a centuries old document written and distrbuted by humans that could of been altered by people with a clear homophobic agenda, says they should be. But there’s the very clear very gross implication here that any god but the christian god is invalid and simplifies wonderful and well thought out myths and beliviefs from various cultures into “well they belivie in da sun god because of the shiny coin”. It’s gross, i’m glad it’s stopped and it’s VERY telling that the closest Ducktales 2017 came to this was the most dangerous game night which while a tad cringe inducing at least showed the tribe it used was clever, disposed the person they mistook for a god after it was clear he wasn’t one , and were wholly sympathetic. 

Naturally Conquistadouche orders the tribe to attack Scrooge and it works briefly , though Scrogoe prepares to take on the ENTIRE villiage.. and given this is Scrooge and on this blog we’ve seen him take on an entire town before, and that was a more inexpericed less bastardly scrooge yeah their fucked, and only escape death because the coin falls out of scrooge’s coat when he tries to help donald who naturally injures himself trying to help. 

And since as per white dumbass racist logic, the villiagers thought Conquistadipshit was a messenger of the gods because of his coin, they think the same of Scrooge, this causes them to stop and bow instead and protect scrooge when Conquistadumbass tries to attack our heroes. Their given a room for the night naturally. 

Conquistadick demands they give him the coin and leave, but Scrooge has none of that: he has no reason to leave and has all the leverage so he instead demands to know wha’ts going on. 

Turns out Conquisineart is the decdendant of one of the crew from the ship Scrooge found: their captain rain off with it, leaving two of his men behind, though both had the map to the rest of the treasure and split it: one left for the Arctic, the other stayed and did the whole racist god bit. And somehow despite all the time passing Conquistadoodoohead still has his half and Scrooge aranges a trade for the coin. And why yes their is the obvious problem of “what if Conquistascoobydoo say tells them he’s the true god and attacks scrooge like he ends up doing in the climax”. And Scrooge’s plan.. is to have the plane ready and to run to it, despite Launchpad not being a mechanic and saying as much. Instead of you know... stealing the guy’s coin while he’s asleep or something or just having launchpad, whose bigger and stronger and donald whose not bigger but is also stronger hold the guy while Scrooge steals his sun coin, then simply walks to the plane with the map, the coins and all the leverage. at worst the guy tries to do the same scheme without any coins and as the end of the episode shows, that wouldn’t have worked. He was stupid. Oh and the cherry on  top of this shit sundae is scrooge objects to the guys tyranical rule.. but is okay with letting it keep going if he gets his coin and DOnlad, whose there for the deal, never call shim on it. 

We then get a bit of Launchpad being forced off a cliff to ride a giant Condor...

Look this episode is filled with racisit sterotypes, a generic villian and Scrogoe being awful. I’ll take a fun sequence of Launchpad riding a condor, with Donald providing an assit with his camera  by blinding the beast so Launchpad can ride him properly giving them more leverage now Launchpad is popular. And a deadline to fix things by tommorow. 

The next day Launchapd and Donald have defied logic and their own tendency to screw up and fixed the bird, while Scrooge makes the deal.. and naturally it goes EXACTLY how you’d expect and Scrooge runs, though our real heroes get thigns running. 

That’s when the people arrive on condors to persue, a fight insues yoru standard hero stuff.. not bad but given the racist context I can’t really enjoy it like Launchpad flying a condor.. which had some mild racisim in them making him do that as a ritual clearly deisgned to kill him but i’llt ake mild over pretty damn obvious. Eventually douchebag looses his coins, his ctizens abndon him. Happy end. 

So with the map Scrooge decides to do the logical thing.... have launchpad drop him in the middle of the ocean in a raft and steer there

Launchpad takes Donald home in time and his superior is mad he dosen’t give him a proper salute.. even though he CLEARLY just got home and is diisorented from a crash. Launchpad makes a quip and this episode mercifully ends. 

Final Thoughts:

This episode starts out okay.. but quickly goes downhill fast and steep. There are massive bits of racisim, massive leaps in logic, and massive amoutns of scrooge being a dick.. not his WORST in this series but it’s still bad. It’s just not very good. It’s the second worst episode of Ducktales i’ve seen, only held up by my boys Donald and Launchpad. This was miserable.

Next Time on Treasure of the Golden Suns: Our heroes head to the arctic for another offensive episode to rescue scrooge from his own stupidity.  Next Time on this Blog: We return to Green Eggs and Ham and hop on a train as our raging bitchcanoe mother and daughter duo meat our ambigiouslyg ay duo at last. 

See you at the next rainbow.

[daosfanficcharacters]

cat person and dog person meet at petco and their pets won’t stop hissing and growling at each other au with a ship of ur choice

Cross-posted to AO3!

The ship is Jasvando, of course. That's probably what I'm known for at this point.

"Shhh, shhh, do not fret." Jasper holds Baron close and gives him a kiss on the forehead. "We are here to get you a birthday present, remember? It is your first birthday."

Baron writhes in Jasper's grasp, obviously scared of the storm raging outside the car. It hadn't been this way when Jasper started driving to the pet store. In fact, it had been a perfectly sunny day before the weather abruptly soured, creating a thunderstorm so bad that even the strongest animals would have trouble coping. Jasper retrieves Baron's harness/leash combo from the cat carrier and holds it near Baron.

"Baron. Baron. Hold still."

When Baron refuses to follow Jasper's orders, Jasper sighs and wrestles the harness onto poor Baron. Once the harness is secure, Jasper holds Baron tight before opening the door and dashing to the pet store as fast as he can. Baron chirps as loud as his tiny lungs can, digging his claws into Jasper. Jasper rips open the door and gets inside, making sure it's fully clothed before quickly wiping water droplets off Baron and setting him down on the floor.

"That was not so bad, was it?" Jasper pets Baron before firmly grasping his leash and walking to the cat section, passing a black-haired woman with a small, leashed poodle. Baron starts to rear back and hiss at the dog. "Baron! Be nice!" Jasper scolds.

The woman spares a glance Jasper's way as she sips her iced tea. She has a pleasant face, Jasper notes. Jasper continues on his way, keeping an eye on his tense cat. Baron's fur stands on edge as he stays so close to Jasper that Jasper risks kicking or tripping over him. After a near-miss, Jasper just picks Baron back up and holds him like a baby.

Jasper turns and steps into the aisle full of cat toys. Baron can't help but look at all the pretty, colorful toys on display. And Jasper can't help but smile at Baron. Jasper sets Baron down so that he can investigate the toys.

"Pick any toy you want. It is your special day, after all." Jasper watches as Baron sniffs the toys one by one. Jasper bends down to gently rub at Baron's fur to help him stay calm.

Baron takes his time deciding what toy he wants. In the meantime, Jasper checks his phone. There's not much in terms of notifications. Just a spam text, a notification from a game Jasper stopped playing a little over a month ago, and an email from his boss. Jasper ignores them all in favor of the weather forecast, only to groan. It claims that his location is perfectly sunny, without a single cloud in the sky.

"Meterologists need to learn the function of windows…" Jasper grumbles.

Thunder strikes the building with a deafening crash, making Jasper nearly drop his phone. The lights flicker before returning to normal.

"Goddess!" Jasper shouts, clutching his free hand to his heart. He pants as he waits for his heartrate to calm down.

A shout followed by a cat's yowling and a dog's barking rings through the mostly empty store. Jasper rolls his eyes.

"Ugh. Some animals must have gotten out again…" Jasper sighs. He shoots a glance to Baron, only to find a harness without a cat. "Wait a minute!"

Jasper quickly stands, scanning the aisle for Baron. Growls and barks emit from outside the aisle. Jasper doesn't waste a second running to the angry animals. Please don't let Baron be involved. Please.

Jasper rounds a corner. The woman from earlier is shrieking in Valorian, with none other than Baron clinging to her with his claws alone as he and the poodle threaten one another with their voices.

"Baron!" Jasper reaches for Baron and pries him off, Baron resisting the whole time. Once he's forced Baron away from the woman, he clutches Baron close, ignoring Baron's sharp claws as they rip into him. "Shhhhh. The dog is not going to hurt you. I am here."

"Atole!" The woman half-shouts to her dog. "Quiet!"

Surprisingly, the poodle stops barking.

"Sit."

The poodle sits down.

Both humans let out a sigh of relief. The woman glances down at her shirt, soaked down the front, and grimaces. Jasper sees the remains of her drink lying at her feet.

"My deepest apologies." Jasper gives a mini-bow. "My cat, Baron, got scared of the thunder, broke out of his harness, and bolted."

"Oh, honey…" The woman frowns. "I'm so sorry about my doggie. He gets really protective of me."

"What happened?"

"I don't know. One minute, I was looking for some cute new clothes for my little Atole-" The woman bends down to pet the poodle. "The next, your cat came out of nowhere and scared the living daylight out of us."

Jasper sighs. "You little brat…" Jasper scritches Baron's neck. "Naughty cat. And on your birthday, too."

"Noooo! Baron's a good widdle kitty! He just got a little scared!"

Jasper laughs at that. "Do not fret, it is mere affection."

"Baron's just a baby!" The woman looks legitimately distressed at Jasper's words.

Jasper chuckles and smooths out Baron's fur. "Baron is a grown man, now. He can handle it."

"All animals are babies!" The woman picks Atole up. "Just look at little Atole's itty bitty baby face!"

Atole starts barking now that he is at eye level with Baron.

"Atole! No!" The woman frowns at Atole, and Atole stops. She starts bringing Atole to her chest, but apparently thinks better of it and puts Atole down.

"…What is your name?" Jasper asks.

"Right now, it's Sylvia." Sylvia replies. "As soon as I become a boy again, it will be Sylvando."

Jasper glances at the drink and carefully picks the cup up. "After I finish shopping for my cat, may I get you a new drink to replace the one Baron ruined?"

"Of course." Sylvia smiles as she tucks her hair behind her ear. "There's a pet-friendly cafe nearby. Do you want to go there?"

"I do not see why not. Perhaps I could get a birthday cake for Baron." Jasper looks down at Baron, who seems to have calmed down. "After the rain passes, of course. Baron does not like the rain."

"Then it's a date!" Sylvia declares with a wide grin.

Jasper sputters and blushes. "It- it is not-!"

It's Sylvia's turn to laugh. "Darling, has anyone told you that you're adorable when you blush?"

Jasper groans and hides his face in Baron's fur. "Sir Baron Ratonero the First, this is all your fault."

Sylvia pulls some tissues from her purse and wipes up the spill before throwing the wet tissues away. "Come now, darling. Is a trip to a cafe with your new friend all that bad?"

"…I suppose not." Jasper sighs in defeat.

"Or should I say… your new girlfriend?" Sylvia leans forward and winks.

Jasper nearly dies on the spot.

[is0gild]

WHY I SHIP IT

You know the whole "Opposites Attract" trope? Yeah, that. I'm weak for that. A total slut for opposites attracting. Turns my knees to jelly. It's my crack. Just stick that shite into an IV straight to my veins! And these two? Got opposites coming out the wazoo!

Ice and Fire. Duh.

Introvert and extrovert. Quiet, shy girl with snarky, outgoing guy? Unf, that murders me with feels. To be fair, Elsa is not a TOTAL recluse - she’s a total sweetheart who can still hold a friendly conversation, but she's hardly the life of the party attention whore. No, that'd be THAT guy *points to lovable fire dork*

Light (Princess of Heart just trying to do her best) and Dark (Former-Nobody with a redemption arc). PS, to any Frozen fans who might be confused, “Princess of Heart” and “Nobody” are Kingdom Hearts terms - either see my Axel/Lea Cliff Notes for further deets or consult your nearest, handy-dandy KH glossary of terms.

Highborn Queen and Sly Assassin. Oof, it almost sounds so deliciously forbidden when you put it that way. Me like.

She tends to be Ms Glass-Half-Empty and he tends to be Mr Glass-Half-Full. Put there 2 half glasses together tho and you get a full glass ;D Was that hella cheesy? Yup! Think I care? Nope! Now don’t get me wrong, neither of them 100% own up to those titles - she has MORE than her fair share of bright moments, as he too has his Sad Boi™ moments. Still, they do both have a tendency to lean into those nicknames and boy howdy would it be cute watching him be the one bring a smile to her face when she’s down :3

She smol, he tol. Like, for real... he's one seriously tall boi. No official heights out there as far as I’m aware, but fan calculations put Elsa at 5'4" and Axel/Lea at either 6'4" or 6'7" (from two different sources, two different fans, take your pick). Either way, he's got at least a foot on her and just... oof! I swoon! I know, this is mega superficial, but I really don't care. It's aesthetically pleasing to me. These 2 very beautiful peeps being put together is just in general aesthetically pleasing to me.

OPPOSITES!

ATTRACTING!

Doesn't always work, but when it's done well, it can be so beautiful T_T Just love the idea of two personalities so different but that complement and balance each other out so well and help make up for what the other lacks! Ahhh, opposites attracting... that's how I wanna die *wistful, far-off, starry-eyed look*

ANYWAY! It's not all about the opposites! These two actually have a lot in common too!

They're both royal dumbasses that would (and legit DID) sacrifice themselves for their loved ones without hesitation!

They're both brave! Okay, it takes a bit of time for Elsa to come into her own courage, but by Frozen 2, our ice queen's got it in GODDAMN SPADES YO!

They’re both silly dorks with sassy, playful sides! Fire Boi wears his dorkitude on his sleeve whereas Ice Bab is a lil more shy about showing hers, but trust me, I could write a whole friggin' ESSAY on that side of her just lousy with examples! ...but I'll refrain from doing that here for the sake of not turning this "why I ship it" bit into instead being "an ode to Elsa's silliness" :P

He's an impulsive lil shit! She is too, but her impulsiveness is slightly, mind you SLIGHTLY more tempered. She'd probably do some good in reeling the big doofus in from time to time. That said, he'd still end up probably dragging her off on many adventures that she would only put on a show of mildly resisting.

Leading into my next point: they're both adventurous! C'mon, Elsa has a whole damn song about being drawn to the unknown! While Axel/Lea, well... that boy could change his self-proclaimed middle name "Dark Rescue" to "Dumbass Thrillseeker".

Smarts! They both got 'em! He's more street-smarts whereas she's more book-smarts... so this one is kinda sorta both a same AND an opposite? FANCY!

They'd both be ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS when it came to romantic love and this makes me cackle. SHE has been suppressing her emotions and trying not to have so much as one single solitary FEEL for 13 years. HE has had no heart for 10 years during which time he LITERALLY could not feel emotions. Don't worry, she's no longer suppressing and he's got the ol' ticker back, so they're both doing the whole emotions thing again, but they're both such goddamn NEWBS when it comes to feelings that they probably wouldn't know a romantic inkling if one came up and slapped them in their gorgeous faces! So just picture it: these two idiots falling in love and just being all DAFUQ IS THIS??? I THINK MY HEART ITCHES??? I DON'T UNDERSTAND HALP.

On a final-ish note that is neither really opposites nor similarities, they both canonically exist in the same universe within Kingdom Hearts, so even though they haven't actually met yet, they could still theoretically meet and it'd still be 100% kosher canon! And okay sure, Disney worlds in KH are basically AUs of their movie counterparts so just cuz Elsa exists in Axel/Lea's franchise, doesn't mean Axel/Lea exists in Elsa's franchise. BUT STILL! I just love that there IS a canon universe where they do in fact both exist and could in fact meet and I JUST THINK THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

That's it. That's all I got for now. I'm sure I'll come up with more and will return to add on to this, but to sum it all up: I just want to smoosh my fire and ice bbies cute widdle faces together :3 My my, how STEAMY that would be (huh? huh? see what I did there? cuz, ya know, she’s ice and he’s… ehhhh, I think you guys get it)

[tomeandflickcorner]

Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure

I’m actually approaching these next two reviews with a sense of trepidation.  While I remember loving the Ewok movies as a kid, it’s been years since I last saw them.  I think the last time I watched them prior to this moment was in the early 90s when they’d air on television.  So I have absolutely no idea how they’re going to hold up now, or how they’ll come across to my adult brain.  Before I begin, I am aware that the Wiki page states this movie is supposed to take place before Return of the Jedi.  But something happens in the movie that makes me feel as if it makes more sense for the events in this film to have occurred after Return of the Jedi rather than before.  I’ll explain what I mean when we get to the scene in question.

The movie begins with a prologue of sorts, with a mother and father searching for their missing children.  Throughout the movie, it becomes apparent that this family of four, the Towani family, were traveling somewhere in their star cruiser, but something went wrong and they crash landed on the moon of Endor. Because they didn’t know where they were, they could hardly send a transmission for help, so they were pretty much stuck there until they could get the ship repaired.  But on the night the movie opens, the two children, 14-year-old Mace and 5-year-old Cindel, have apparently wandered off, despite their parents’ instructions to stay near the star cruiser.  While the parents, Catarine and Jeremitt, are out looking for them, they are ambushed by a giant troll-like being called the Gorax.  The Gorax ends up capturing Catarine and Jeremitt for reasons that are not made clear.  Did the Gorax plan on eating them?  Did he just want to keep them as human pets?  It’s never really addressed.

But anyway, the movie then cuts to the star players of the movie- the Ewoks.  Specifically Wicket and his family, which consists of his father, Deej, his mother, Shoudu, his two older brothers, Weechee and Widdle, and his baby sister, Winda.   (Incidentally, you might recognize Widdle as one of the two Ewoks who hijacked the Walker with Chewbacca during the Battle of Endor in Return of the Jedi.)  On this day, Weechee and Widdle have also gone missing.  So Deej decides to go off looking for them, utilizing a hang glider to search the forest.

So, remember how one of the biggest issues with The Star Wars Holiday Special (not the only issue, but one of the biggest) was the fact that they were mostly focusing on a family of Wookiees and didn’t give us any subtitles, expecting us to just figure out what was happening on our own?  Well, in this TV movie, they did learn their lesson.  Sort of.  While they don’t give us subtitles in this one, either, we did get a narrator. Yeah, they got Burl Ives, who you might remember from the Rankin Bass version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (among other things), to narrate this movie. Unfortunately, this really doesn’t work to the movie’s advantage.  There are times when it feels as if the Narrator is talking down to the audience. And at first, the use of a narrator makes the movie seem more like a nature documentary on Ewoks rather than a plot-driven movie.

Deej eventually locates his wayward sons. They were apparently climbing a rocky cliff but got stuck halfway up.  After Deej helps them get out of their predicament, the three Ewoks start making their way back to their village.  But first, they have to make a detour.  While he was gliding over the forest on his hang glider, Deej saw something glittering in the sunlight through the forest canopy, so he decides to take his sons with him to investigate what it was.  And that’s how they discover the crashed star cruiser.  They step inside to investigate their discovery, and thus end up finding Cindel hiding behind a panel.  Not sure if we’re supposed to conclude she made it back to the star cruiser after her parents ran into the Gorax or if she’d been there all along and the parents just didn’t look hard enough.  Either way, Cindel, being 5-years-old, instantly decides the Ewoks are friends based on how cute they were.  Her brother, Mace, on the other hand, is less trusting of the little teddy bear Aliens.  Instead, he charges in and aims his blaster at them, stating that they might be the beings who took their parents.  I’m guessing it’s been a few days since the events of the movie prologue. Eventually, the Ewoks take the two kids back with them to their village.  Though they take Mace back by tying him up and carrying him.  Rather similar to how they initially treated Han, Luke, Chewbacca and R2 in Return of the Jedi.  The Ewoks must really not like human males.  That, or they just don’t like the hostile ones.

Now, I gotta pause to talk about the two kids. There’s no sense in denying that neither of these two give a good performance, even by child actor standards. In fact, with the kid who plays Cindel, Aubree Miller, this was her first acting role.  And believe me, it shows.  But I can forgive her for that because, again, she’s only 5-years-old. Mace, on the other hand?  I don’t think he’s even trying sometimes.  There are some points in his performance when he seems to think all you need to do to convey emotion is to shout your lines. Also, I sometimes get the feeling that the movie was trying to make Mace a discount Luke Skywalker.  Sure, he shows no indication of being Force Sensitive, but his costume throughout the movie bears a strong resemblance to Luke’s X-Wing pilot outfit.  Even his haircut seems similar to Luke’s.

When they get back to the Ewok Village, it soon becomes apparent that Cindel is sick with a fever.  Fortunately, Deej and his wife, Shoudu, are able to give Cindel some medicine that helps her, but when Cindel is still ill in the morning, they have to go out and gather more medicine for her.  To get the key ingredient for the medicine, they have to travel to this tree in the middle of the forest.  Because this specific tree emits a special kind of fluid that the Ewoks have used to treat their ailments for eons.  (I wonder if this is the Tree of Life they mentioned in The Star Wars Holiday Special.)

It’s at this point where we first start to see how much of a dingbat Mace is.  While the Ewoks are harvesting the tree’s curative sap for Cindel’s medicine, Mace spots a large hole in a nearby hollow tree.  And there appears to be some kind of cute little fuzzy critter inside this hole. For some reason, Mace decides to go over and stick his hand into the hole in order to get this critter.  Yes, I know Mace is supposed to be 14 in this movie, but at the same time, he’s presumably grown up in the Star Wars universe. You’d think he’d know better than to go about touching random fauna like this.  The moment he reaches inside, a larger creature ends up biting down, latching onto his hand.  Apparently this creature is a predatory animal called a Temptor.  The fuzzy creature Mace saw was part of the creature’s tongue.  I guess this creature is a bit like an alligator snapping turtle, in the sense that it lures prey to come closer with their tongue.   So the Ewoks have to drop what they’re doing to come to his rescue.

Despite Mace’s stupidity, the Ewoks are able to gather up enough tree fluid to manufacture more medicine for Cindel. The following morning, the medicine seems to have done the trick, as Cindel is feeling all better.  And right away, she develops an instant friendship with Wicket, possibly because they’re supposedly around the same age.

Also, it’s here that I noticed something a bit off-putting about the movie.  This is supposed to take place in the Star Wars universe, in a galaxy far, far away.   So can someone please explain to me how the Ewoks share their home with animals commonly seen on Earth?  I’m not kidding, here.  By this point in the movie, we’ve seen the Ewoks have ponies, goats, rabbits and ferrets.  Is this movie is suggesting that those particular species are actually native to the moon of Endor and somehow ended up on Earth as an invasive species?  I mean, the events of the Star Wars films are supposed to have happened a long, long time ago.  So maybe, by the time then became now, the native people of the Star Wars universe somehow found their way here to the Milky Way and ended up colonizing Earth, bringing with them an assortment of critters that we now associate with our planet.  I guess that’s as good of an explanation as any.

Anyway, Cindel starts trying to communicate with Wicket about how they ended up on the moon of Endor, explaining how their star cruiser crashed.  Out of nowhere, Wicket starts repeating Cindel’s statements in comprehensible English. Or Basic, to use the Star Wars terminology.  Yep, this movie shows Wicket starting to develop the ability to speak Basic.  By the time the sequel, The Battle for Endor, comes along, he is able to speak Basic fluently.  And that is why I take issue with this movie supposedly taking place before Return of the Jedi and therefore think it makes more sense to set this movie after the Original Trilogy ends.  Because if this did take place before Episode 6, then there is no reason why Wicket wouldn’t have been able to actually engage in a conversation with Leia.  Or why the other Ewoks seemed to be so hostile to Luke and Han upon seeing them.  If they’d already met Mace and Cindel by that point, then they must have noticed the fact that Han, Luke and Leia were from the same species.

Because of her newfound friendship with Wicket, Cindel suggests to Mace that the Ewoks could help them find their parents. Mace, however, isn’t convinced, dismissing the Ewoks as animals.  Which is weird, because he must have realized by this point that the Ewoks are sentient beings.  And, being from the Star Wars universe, he should be at least somewhat familiar with non-humanoid Aliens.  Regardless, Mace decides to take Cindel and sneak away in the middle of the night so they could continue the search for their parents.  Which was really stupid on his part.  Once again, they’re on a planetary moon they’re not familiar with and therefore don’t know what nocturnal fauna there might be.  But that’s what Mace decides to do.

After traveling for a bit, Cindel insists that they’re lost and she can’t walk any further, so Mace sets up camp, building a campfire to keep warm.  As they’re sitting around, they start to discuss their parents, and whether or not they’re dead.  Mace then starts to confide in Cindel how he wishes he’d been a better son.  I guess the implication is that Mace sometimes misbehaved.  And it’s possible that this is basically him saying that he shouldn’t have wandered off the night Jeremitt and Catarine went missing.

At that moment, this wolf-boar creature suddenly appears and starts to chase the two kids, forcing them to take refuge inside a hollow tree for the night.   When morning comes, we see the Ewok family had managed to track them down, as they are trying to fight off the wolf-boar.   And there’s no denying the stop-motion effect they used with the wolf-boar did not stand up against the test of time, as it looks really dated.  Nowhere near as good as the Rancor.  Yes, I know this movie was made on a considerably smaller budget, but even so.  Eventually, the wolf-boar is brought down by a well-aimed poison dart from Wicket. And, when they get a close look at the dead wolf-boar, they see he’s wearing a collar. Meaning he belonged to someone.  But what really catches Mace and Cindel’s attention is the fact that their father’s Life Monitor is stuck to the collar.  Life Monitors, from what I gather, are a type of bracelet that you can wear, which is used by groups of people to keep track on the life status of everyone else wearing the bracelet.  Since Jeremitt’s Life Monitor states he’s alive, the children have a renewed hope that they’ll find their mother and father.  

But before they can hope to reunite with their parents, Mace and Cindel have to figure out where the wolf-boar came from. Because knowing that would most likely help determine where the parents are.  To help Mace and Cindel, the Ewok family take them to Logray, the village shaman, in the hopes that he could help determine the parents’ location. Thankfully, Logray can help them. Because he has some kind of magical spinning top thing that can enable you to observe things in other locations. That’s right, magic now exists in the Star Wars universe.  Even though it’s never mentioned at any other point in the Star Wars media.  Though I guess it’s possible what the Ewoks call magic is actually the Force.  Does this mean Ewoks can be Force Sensitive, too?  Anyway, Logrey’s magic top helps them learn that the missing parents are prisoners of the Gorax.  Upon seeing the danger her parents are in, Cindel begs Deej to help them rescue them. After some hesitation, on account of the fact that the Gorax lives in a Forbidden Fortress that no Ewok has ever returned from, Deej ultimately decides to accompany Mace and Cindel on their quest to rescue their parents.  And his three sons, Weechee, Widdle and Wicket also volunteer to go along.  

Here, we do get a rather nicely acted scene, considering the actors are wearing Ewok costumes.  During the night, we see Shodu mournfully looking around at her family while everyone is sleeping.  It is clear that she is fearful about the safety of her family and is terrified that she might not see her husband or sons again.  After all, the Gorax is suppoed to be very dangerous.  Eventually, Deej wakes up to comfort her, even though he is probably equally as scared.  I don’t know why, but there’s just something about this scene that I really appreciated.

When morning comes, we finally get to the whole caravan thing this movie’s title promised us, as Deej, Weechee, Widdle, Wicket, Mace and Cindel prepare to leave on their journey to the Gorax’s lair in order to rescue Mace and Cindel’s parents.  And it only took four days in the show’s timeline for the actual plot to begin.  Before they leave, Logrey performs some sacred Ewok ritual, in which each of the travelers are given a special totem.  According to the Narrator, these totems were all once owned by the Legendary Ewok Warriors.  (Shame we couldn’t get more clarification on who these Legendary Warriors were.)  The first three totems are all basically feathered headdresses, with each one supposedly representing a different attribute. Deej gets the White Wings of Hope, Weechee, the oldest son, gets the Red Wings of Courage and Widdle gets the Blue Wings of Strength.  The other totems have a bit more variety, however.  For instance, Wicket is presented with a magical walking stick and Cindel receives a candle that’s called the Candle of Pure Light.  As for Mace, his totem is a rock.  But because Mace is a twat, he dismisses the rock as useless and purposely drops it as they leave Logrey’s hut.  While I understand why he might not see the significance of a rock on this journey, it’s not as if Cindel’s candle or Wicket’s walking stick had an obvious significance at this point.  And at least a rock is somewhat useful.  What did Deej and the two oldest Ewok sons get?  Feathered headdresses.  While I’m sure they are ceremonially significant to the Ewok culture, they’re not going to be of much use in a fight with the Gorax.  Anyway, the last two totems in the ceremony that Logrey performs are an ivory tooth and a crystal.  Deej brings these last two totems with them in order to present them to two other Ewoks, in the hopes that they will join them on their quest.  With the totems all gathered up, they all set off. Though, since Cindel and Wicket are the youngest ones there, they are allowed to ride in a special tent-like compartment strapped to a horse’s back.

The first Ewok the group end up seeking out is Chukha-Trok, who I gather is a renowned Ewok warrior who works as a woodcutter, considering how the movie introduces him.  He ends up felling a tree that just narrowly misses Cindel.  Which immediately puts Chukha-Trok on Mace’s bad side.  So Mace isn’t pleased when Deej offers Chujha-Trok the Ivory Tooth, offering the Ewok woodcutter a place in their company.  At first, however, Chukha-Trok doesn’t seem willing to go, until Mace starts insinuating that he’s not a real warrior.  Which obviously is a huge insult to Chukha-Trok’s pride.  This leads to Mace challenging Chukha-Trok to an ax-throwing contest.  A contest that Chukha-Trok quickly wins.  As a result, Mace begins to respect Chukha-Trok, and he asks him to help them find their parents. This time, Chukha-Trok decides to join the caravan. I do have to give Mace a bit of credit here, to be honest.  While his transition from being dismissive of Chukha-Trok to respecting him as a brave warrior might have occurred a bit too quickly, this was obviously the movie’s attempt at giving him some character development.

Next, they visit Kaink, an Ewok Priestess and the only female apart from Cindel.  Her totem is, of course, the Crystal.  Kaink agrees to join, on one condition- the children have to pass some kind of magical test.  But this test is not exactly clear.  Kaink places the Crystal totem in Mace’s hands and it transforms into a lizard, which he drops in shock.  Then, when Cindel picks the lizard up, it transforms into a mouse.  Apparently, this is enough to convince Kaink to join the rescue mission.  But it’s not clear what this magic test was.  The crystal becomes a lizard and then the lizard turns into a mouse?  So what?  What was this supposed to convey?  The all-knowing Narrator is completely silent on the matter, offering no explanation.  So if anyone from the die-hard Star Wars fan base can offer any insight on what this was, I would love to hear it.

Of course, that’s not the only time the Narrator fails to explain things.  At some point, the group stops to rest and Mace notices a nearby lake.  For some reason, the sight of his reflection in the water makes him curious and he tries to touch the lake.  The moment his finger makes contact with the surface of the lake, he’s instantly trapped beneath the water.  When Cindel sees her brother is in trouble, she calls the other Ewoks to help. They try to extend a rope or a tree branch for Mace to grab so they could pull him out, but the rope and branch are also zapped into the lake the instant they touch the water.  But Wicket has the magic Walking Stick he got from Logrey. Only that is able to successfully penetrate the surface of the water, enabling them to successfully pull Mace out. Like with the magic test Kaink performed, we’re not given any clarification on what this lake was, or why it trapped anyone and anything that came in contact with the surface of the lake beneath the water.  It’s just something the movie included to add some tension.  And to give Wicket’s Walking Stick some significance.

Speaking of scenes that only exist to provide tension, we then get a scene when the Ewoks are getting ready to continue on. Wicket is swinging around on a tree branch, but when he’s told the others are about to leave, he abruptly lets go, which ends up scaring the horse carrying Cindel, prompting the horse to bolt.   So Chukha-Trok has to chase after the runaway horse and keep Cindel from getting hurt.  Once that crisis is averted, they can continue on their way.

When night falls, the Ewoks end up setting up camp. Out of nowhere, there are a bunch of fairy like creatures flitting around.  These creatures are apparently called Wisties, and I guess they were featured in the animated TV show, Ewoks, at some point, but since I only remember watching one episode of that show, I couldn’t say for certain.   The Wisties end up catching the attention of Mace and the other Ewoks.  Well, all except for Widdle, who steps outside his tent, looks around for a second and then decides to go back to bed.  Needless to say, it’s at this point that I found myself really liking Widdle.  Anyway, when Cindel comes out of her tent to see what’s going on, the Wisties start to flit around the Candle of Pure Light, which she just happened to be carrying at the time.  Noticing their interest in the candle, Cindel places it on the ground, and the Wisties, I guess, get absorbed into the candle and merge into Izrina, the Queen of the Wisties.  Once again, we get no explanation as to what just happened, but Queen Izrina ends up joining Mace, Cindel and the Ewoks on their quest.

At long last, after crossing the Desert of Salma (because there’s now a desert on this forest moon), they reach the mountains where the Gorax is supposed to live.  But the entrance is hidden from view.  That’s when Kaink gestures to Mace, pantomiming him to use the rock he got from Logray.  Mace sheepishly admits he threw the rock away, much to Chukha-Trok’s exasperation. Fortunately, Wicket then reveals he’d picked up the rock after Mace dropped it.  When Mace thankfully takes his rock back, he finds out that it’s actually hollow and that something is inside the rock.  He throws it to the ground, revealing this arrowhead.  The arrowhead, as if pulled by a magnet, slides across the ground and slips under a particular stone on the base of the mountain. Which indicates that this is where the entrance is.  Mace ends up using his blaster to blow up the stone blocking the entrance.  Okay, who gave this 14-year-old kid a blaster so powerful, it can blow up a stone?  And if they had blasters with this much capability, why didn’t they ever utilize it during the Original Trilogy?

So they enter the cave, and it’s decided that Widdle, Wicket and Cindel should hang back, on account of them being the youngest members of the caravan.  Widdle in particular isn’t happy about being left behind, but he still abides by the group’s decision.  As such, Deej, Weechee, Chukha-Trok, Kaink and Mace continue on while Widdle and Wicket keep Cindel company.

Deej’s group soon come to this seemingly bottomless chasm. Taking note of what is so obviously a spider web stretching across the crevasse, Mace decides to use the web as a bridge, and they start to cross. But as they neglected to observe, where there’s a spider web, there’s most likely a spider.  Sure enough, a spider attacks them.  Mace strikes back at the spider with a knife, and the spider falls into the abyss.  But as Mace and the Ewoks are crossing the divide on the spider web, another spider appears and stars to attack  Deej.  This time, it’s Kaink who comes to the rescue, as she uses her Crystal totem to hypnotize the spider, resulting in that one to fall into the pit as well.  Meanwhile, we see a third spider has found his way to where Cindel, Wicket and Widdle were waiting.  This third spider is quickly dealt with thanks to Wicket and Widdle, though.

Eventually, Mace and the Ewoks find the lair of the Gorax, where they see the parents trapped in a cage suspended from the ceiling. But the Gorax is also there, currently eating something.  Weechee, partially inadvertently, ends up luring the Gorax out of his lair, allowing the others the chance to free Catarine and Jeremitt.   The rescue attempt involves using the Gorax’s ax as a catapult and providing the parents a rope to climb down on.  But while the rescue is still being carried out, the Gorax, having lost interest in Weechee, returns.  So everyone has to make a run for it.  But Chukha-Trok stays behind to face the Gorax, repeatedly striking at the Gorax’s leg with his ax, despite Mace’s attempts at urging him away.  

At that moment, Queen Izrina remembers she’s involved in the movie.  She’s been hanging out in Mace’s pocket this whole time.  At Mace’s request, she flies at the Gorax and disorients the giant by darting around his head.  As the Gorax is flaying around, he ends up hitting the sides of his lair, causing a bunch of rocks to fall.  Chukha-Trok ends up getting hit by the falling rocks, much to Mace’s shock and horror. Mace runs out to try and help the fallen Ewok, but Chukha-Trok was too gravely injured by the falling rocks and ends up dying in Mace’s arms.  Before he dies, Chukha-Trok ends up giving his ax to Mace, which was probably meant to indicate that the two have come full-circle in their relationship and now consider each other as friends.   Mace momentarily grieves his friend’s death, but, due in part to the sub-par acting, he gets over it relatively quickly, and he hurries off to rejoin the others.

Meanwhile, the Gorax is trying to go after the other Ewoks, but Catarine and Jeremitt and the Ewoks team up to create a makeshift trip-wire that they use against the Gorax.  This almost results in the Gorax to fall into the bottomless pit, but he lands just short of the edge, so he doesn’t fall.  It takes the combined efforts of Kaink, who uses her Crystal totem to drop a stalactite onto the Gorax’s head, and Catarine, wielding Mace’s blaster, before the Gorax falls into the crevice to his apparent death.

At this point, the movie seems to be wrapping up. Mace, rejoining the others at this moment, embraces his parents before showing Deej Chukha-Trok’s ax, explaining the warrior’s sacrifice.  And then, Cindel appears on the other side of the chasm with Wicket and Widdle.  And she’s overjoyed to see her parents safe, and vice versa.  However, it turns out the Gorax still has a few hit points left, as he reappears at this point, trying to climb back out of the pit, right in front of Cindel.  When the Gorax tries to grab Cindel, Mace jumps into action and throws Chukha-Trok’s ax at the Gorax.  The ax lands home in the Gorax’s back, forcing him to fall into the abyss once again.  This time, the Gorax is defeated for real.  So Cindel is safe, and the Towani family can be properly reunited at last.

The Towani family then travels back the Ewok village with the Ewoks.  After Mace bids goodbye to Queen Izrina, thanking her for her help, he rejoins the celebration going on.  Because it’s not just the Towani family that’s been safely reunited, but the Ewok family as well.  And because of the friendship between the two families, I guess, Deej gives the White Wings of Hope to Cindel.  The movie ends with the Narrator delivering one of the cheesiest closing lines ever. About how the movie’s protagonists all learned what they already knew- that courage, loyalty and love were the strongest forces in the universe.

So that was the first Ewok movie.  While I can see why I liked it as a kid, now that I’m an adult, I realize that a lot of this movie didn’t make a lot of sense. Obviously, Kid Me was a lot more accepting of stuff.  Not only that, it dawned on me how this movie might actually be seen as boring.  For the most part, it’s just these two kids interacting and walking around with some Ewoks.  In fact, I think it’s safe to say that if you threw Lord of the Rings and Care Bears into a blender and mixed them together, this is pretty much what you’d end up with.  But at the same time, this movie is clearly meant for kids.  And it must have kept enough kids entertained back in the 80s, because a sequel was released the following year.  Check back next week for my review on that one.

(Click here to go back to the directory)

[saintheartwing]

May the Force Be With You, Part Six

“6:45 express pulling into the station. You’re always on time!” 

Darth Raize smiled as she shook the poofy-but-grey-haired human’s hand. People on Nar Shadaa got their news primarily from fancy news stations that gave the major stories of the day via tele-vid stories. But those dealt with the major news of the day. When it came to more local stories, to the various boroughs of Nar Shadaa, there were smaller stations giving out newspads. You could get one for every single borough...along with a nice meal or snack or drink if you had the right station. 

And Darth Raize always came to the right fleet station. The high-powered hovertrains could get anywhere in the city within a matter of just a few minutes, faster than any hover vehicle. But you did have to put up with lots and lots of people crowded about, it could get ugly...it could SMELL ugly too. But Raize put up with it because at the end of her trip, after going out for an early morning run, she’d always return to the closest station to her and Furiosa’s home…

She’d return to Valentino. 

“Here.” He held up the datapad for her as the snow came down heavy and hard around her. “I made sure the datapads on the West Burough were EXTRA warm, right by the heater. And when I picked them up from the local distributor, I stuffed them under my coat to make them warm.” “You’re good to me, Valentino.” Raize said softly as she smiled back at him. Valentino had a rather big nose, but an even bigger smile, and a beefy, though somewhat tubby, body. 

“Hey, you and your girl cleaned up my neighborhood. Ain’t had a single mugging in three years since you came.” Valentino had insisted. “And you bring me cuisine!” 

“Salmon and capers quiche. You sure this is what you want?” She asked as she took out her little gift for the “newsstand man”. Valentino smiled as he took it.

“Absolutely. My wife Hali will raise hell cuz it raises my cholesterol, but, ah! I will die a happy and fat man.” He chortled. “Wish your daughter Nora luck on her finals for me. I can hardly believe she’s in her third year already.”

Valentino chuckled as he put the quiche away behind his countertop, the snow continuing to fall around him and his stand, and flopping onto Raize’s shoulders, even in her hooded robes. “Ah, the time flies so quickly when its not standing still. Oh, and uh, speaking of flying, I heard about that attempted attack on your tower from that ship. I can’t believe someone had the guts to try that!” He admitted. 

“Yeah, I know, it’s pretty shocking.” Raize admitted. “But we handled it alright.” 

Every day, she’d get a chance to talk to him. And she’d be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy it. 

“So this big monster, from what I heard, he smashed right through the building? How did you subdue it?” 

“Oh, we had to use both of our Jedi mind trick gifts. It wasn’t too difficult, the thing had a brain the size of a cannoli. I’m sorry I couldn’t be here yesterday. Furiosa had a touch of the flu, and I had to be there. She gave me the usual insistence. “My head hurts...my tummy hurts...my itty bitty widdle pinkies hurt”. And I just melted. I couldn’t go do patrols or go out on the town when she’s like that.” 

“Ahh, she needs more VITAMINS. You know, my wife could prescribe some, she IS a doctor…”

Valentino was a regular presence in her life. And a beloved one.

“They said the moon almost got blown up when the Mandalorians attacked! Can you believe we fought them off!?” “I know, I know, sometimes I don’t even believe we did it ourselves, it was touch and go. But you know, I want to do something nice for your news stand. You provide a great service to the neighborhood, and I thought you could use a hand rebuilding it, it’s gotten pretty beat up over the past couple of years.” 

Valentino was just always there. Always reliable. A constant. And people need constants in their life. 

“A child is a blessing, I tell you. Nora’s gonna be a mommy, can you believe it! I’M gonna be a grandpa! I hope one day you get blessed yourself. Maybe adopting?” 

“Oh, we’ve thought about it, honestly. It’s a great joy, I’ve heard.” “GREATEST joy, and greatest pain.” 

Then one day she’d noticed something.

“You sure you don’t want some? I can pick out the broccoli if you’d like.” “You’re a very good woman, Ms. Raize. No thank you. Gotta get to work. Don’t want a pink slip for the new year, y’know?” “Okay. But...are you alright? You look...troubled.” 

“...I’m fine, really, Ms. Raize. I’m fine.” 

And then, the next day...he wasn’t there. And the day after that. And the day after THAT. And then…

“Excuse me, where’s Mr. Valentino?” “Who?” 

She put her hands on her hips as she looked at the men who were packing up the news stand, breaking it down, moving it out of the way so that something else, most likely a dumpster, could be put there. The construction workers stared at her. 

“The man who works here. Poofy hair, also grey, big nose, he’s got slightly tanned skin and he’s usually wearing big, thick brown jackets?” “Dunno. He doesn’t work here anymore. His boss contacted our bosses and just told us that he wasn’t here anymore, and if he’s not here managing the thing, it can’t stay here. So they’re packing it up, and deciding if they want to put the thing elsewhere or not.” The lead construction worker said with a shrug, the wolf-esque alien shrugging as he adjusted the cap he wore. “Dunno where he went, Ms. Raize. Not a clue.” 

Furiosa was soon gently patting Raize on the back as the two sat in their penthouse on the couch, Raize slightly kneading over her hands.

“People leave, peanut. It happens. Especially in a big place like Nar Shadaa. There’s always bit players that zip in and out of your life. Some to poke you in the eye and wreck your week and others that are sweeth breaths of fresh air when the city seems to ugly to bear, and then...well, they go!” Furiosa reasoned. “Even endearing little Alderaanean refugees with cute wives and even cuter daughters.” “I don’t know his last name. I don’t even know where he lived. And I wouldn’t even say we were friends necessarily but...he always always there and now he’s NOT…” Raize muttered as she jiggled her leg nervously. “...I want to try and find him.” 

“You couldn’t get anything out of his mind when you tried to read him?” “Nothing, it was all super cloudy. I’m usually very good with being able to tell what’s on someone’s mind thanks to the Force. But there are people who are resistant to it and who don’t even know it. And then there’s people who are immune to it completely.” 

“We HAVE resources. Let’s get a bounty hunter to track him down.” Furiosa offered warmly. “I know just the guy. He comes highly recommended and he has a unique ability that could come in handy. And he has a lot of contacts in the criminal wing of Nar Shadaa that could prove helpful too.”

“Who?”

So it was that a very distinct figure was now interviewing MRS. Valentino. Or rather,  Hali T. Savarr, the wife of Valeninto Savarr, and mother of Nora Savarr. She had lovely locks of hair indeed, sweeping around her face as her daughter held her hand. Both had soft skin, and quiet voices, with cute freckles on their faces as the bounty hunter looked them over, his four-digited paws taking down notes on a notepad he’d brought.

The bounty hunter had a red bandanna that covered the top of his head, it rather resembled an old-fashioned “pirate’s cap” in how it looked. He had yellow eyes, with slightly darker yellow pupils, a diamond-shaped nose with a pink peace symbol necklace hanging down over his sleeveless white t-shirt. He wore red shorts that had white jagged ends at the bottom and a “Wave” of white flowing at the top, a belt of black with a green sonic pattern running through it, and his paws had gems embedded through them, green and glittering, encased in a black circular frame. It was as if someone had punched a hole right through and stuffed the gems in. He had sharp-looking fangs in his mouth, and his feet were balled, as if he could rollerblade around, and though he spoke in a faintly surfer-boy twang…

His eyes indicated he was taking all of this dead serious.

“So he missed your birthday.” He murmured. “And ain’t what your dad does. At all.” He offered quietly.

“No. It isn’t.” Valentino’s daughter admitted. “They were very appreciative, you know. The local police. We waited 24 hours before we called. They asked all the right questions. He had no enemies. Very few friends. No plans to travel. No drugs. No drinking. No vices of any sort. And there was no sign of a struggle and nothing stolen. Then they left, and that was three weeks ago.” 

“I’m certain he’s dead.” His wife murmured. “We just want to bury him. My darling Valentine would never miss our daughter’s birthday. Not ever.”

Frequency reached out, and softly held the women’s hands in his paw. “...I’m gonna do everything I can. You don’t gotta worry about paying me. A REAL good friend is looking into this, okay?”

Unbeknownst to Frequency OR to the Dyad, Kendall was also going to find himself involved in the case, because he happened to end up in the same bar that Frequency would end up in the very next night. Kendall was currently tending to the VERY beaten up bar patrons after a particularly horrible bar fight that had broken out only half an hour ago. The red-haired Logosian sighed, shaking his head back and forth as he leaned down and used a pair of tweezers, caaaaarefully extracting some splinters from a...very personal area.

“My, oh my, you’re lucky there was literally a doctor in the house. Or rather, a trained nurse.” Kendall confessed as he got to work on removing the splinters from the unfortunate Rodian, who whimpered pitifully as the woman who’d struck him “harrumphed”, looking away. Other bar patrons were nursing their own wounds, Kendall having helped to patch them up as he kept plucking the splinters out. “Just hold still, alright?” “Thanks…” The Rodian muttered. He had various cheek studs in his cheek and he cringed, one eye puffy and swollen as Kendall sighed. He recognized the Rodian, it was the same one who’d come in on the day he’d met Darth Raize. “I appreciate this again, you’re a real swell guy. Especially for a Logosian, they ain’t nice at all to folks like me. You ever in the neighborhood and want a favor, ask me.” 

Kendall nodded, then looked up at the Twi’lek woman.  “Did you happen to see who started the bar fight?” He asked her, the woman having a bad split lip as she pressed an ice pack to it, and a nasty, awful cut across her right arm that he’d applied gauze to. 

“No...I just remember getting a chair to my arm and the wood flying so I lashed out with a chunk of wood I grabbed off the floor.” She muttered. 

“Listen-EEEEGH. T-thanks for...for patching me...patching me up. Seriously. I’m REAL grateful. And again, here’s my card. You ever wanna favor…” The Rodian handed his card to Kendall as Kendall took it, smiling. Frequency took notice of the Rodian walking off towards his very heavily-armored hovercar that had just parked outside the bar...and which had several tough-looking guards inside. 

SNIVVIANS. Mammalian species, protruding jaws, short fangs, thick skin, large snout, big black eyes. And Snivvians were immune to Force influence. You couldn’t influence their minds at ALL, and these looked to be heavily armored types at that. And Frequency wanted to try and avoid making enemies, so an outright assault would be a bad idea. “Crap. How am I gonna chat that Rodian up now?” He wondered aloud. “Major uncool!” 

WHY did he want to talk to that Rodian? Well, Frequency had checked around Valentino’s apartment, and he’d noticed a very faint crack in the ceiling tiles where he lived, right above his bed. Sure enough, inspecting it had revealed...a betting book. Valentino had begun placing bets on races for about three months, EXACTLY when his daughter had been having trouble with paying for medical school. He hadn’t wanted her to drop out, especially not when she was in the middle of finals week!

The question now became “where did he place those bets and with who”? Well, Frequency had made some calls. As a bounty hunter, he did have contacts, but alas, none of them were involved in the racing game. But they knew someone who was, and that was that Rodian, named Karry. 

But Frequency couldn’t approach Karry directly, clearly. Not just because he wouldn’t be able to convince Karry to talk with a bit of...psychic persuasion from one of Frequency’s special tools, but because Frequency had promised to avoid killing or fighting people on a job whenever he could help it. And the Rodian’s guards were NOT going to let some rando speak to their boss. That much was clear. Frequency did TRY to just outright approach Karry at his workshop just in case, going to a place in the seedier districts of the capital, but the guards had turned him away, told him to get lost if he wasn’t interested in making a bet, and at the mere NOTION that they could be BRIBED to let him speak to their boss, they’d gotten out their guns and told him to scram.

Well, if HE couldn’t speak to him…

Perhaps that Logosian could. So Frequency was soon tailing Kendall, and followed him to the hotel room. He knocked on the door, Kendall calling out…

“It’s open. Come in.”

Frequency was surprised, but he walked inside, surprised at how Kendall was currently using his legs to kick the shit out of a training dummy in the middle of the room. The same sort of swift, sweeping strikes, all while murmuring something under his breath...it was a chant, a chant about the Force.

“What’re you doing?” Frequency inquired.

“I could say the same about you, I noticed you were tailing me.” Kendall said. “Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge…”

“What’s with the...kicking and the chanting?” 

“You don’t know about “repeating actions”?” Kendall asked as he finished kicking the training dummy, taking in some long, deep breaths before turning to Frequency. “It’s a set of pre-determined movements in order to maximize concentration. As the saying goes, repetition is the mother of learning and the father of action, which makes it the architect of accomplishment.” Kendall confessed. “It helps me focus, it builds up my lower body strength, and I’m able to really clear my mind. Mr. Solo actually taught me it, its something he picked up when he was young, it helped him with becoming a good shot...also, WOW, he kicks like a horse. Found that out the hard way when we did a training fight with no weapons.” Kendall confessed. “So...what can I help you with? Do you need a doctor on the sly, because I’m a head nurse,  not a doctor.”

“I can’t believe you SAW me. I’m getting sloppy here on Nar Shadaa. Bummer.” Frequency sighed. “Look, I...need a favor, but not a medical one. I know you know that Karry guy, that Rodian who’s a bookie boss for the illegal racing circuit. I wanna ask him some stuff about this guy I was hired to find.” Frequency admitted. “They won’t let ME talk to him, but they may let you, dude. So could ya do me a solid? I’ll owe ya.” 

“Okay.” Kendall remarked, as he held out his hand, shaking Frequency’s paw. It rather felt like he was shaking hands with a big blue teddy bear. “I’ll be happy to help. Tell me what you’d like me to ask Mr. Karry.”

“It’s some stuff about this newsstand owner, Valentino, who went missing. I KNOW he was making bets with Karry. I want to find out on what, how much, that sort of thing. If Karry knows where he went, all the better…” “You’re a bounty hunter, so you know this could end real badly, right?” Kendall asked quietly. “I’ve learned a lot about people working in the free clinic. You may find out something about your lost newsstand owner you really wish you hadn’t. He may not be who you think he is.” “Don’t matter. Dude’s lost, and I got asked to find him.” Kendall was surprised at the earnestness in Frequency’s voice. Despite the rather ridiculous “Surfer Boy” accent, he was so...sincere. “Okay. Write down what you want me to ask.” Kendall said as he went over to the nearby desk, getting out a notepad. “And then you’d better leave before Han and Leia get back. We can talk about what you can do for me later. Sound fair?”

…

…

…

… “He went home.” “What?” 

Kendall stared in confusion at Karry, sitting across from him in his office. 

“He took me for a bundle too. Lucky duck. Hit the big one and took it all the way back to his home planet.” Karry explained with a shrug. “I’m not too surprised. Said he wanted to buy back his old family home after the bank there repossessed it.” 

“Wait, that’s it? Just leaving his wife and pregnant daughter when she’s about to give him a grandchild?” Kendall was confused. He scratched his head, looking at Karry.

“He said it was embarrassing that they didn’t have a proper home and had to squeeze together into a tight apartment. Told me he was going to cash his winnings immediately and head off. That’s the last I saw of him.” Karry insisted. “When they get big winnings, they ALWAYS wanna go buy the biggest stuff they can think of.” 

It sounded reasonable enough, but Kendall, having worked in a doctor’s office for years, had noticed that certain patients had...tells. Ways you could “tell” if they were nervous or lying or afraid. Jiggling legs, bumps popping up on certain parts of the skin, sometimes their faces would turn a different color, or their eyes would flicker off to the left hand side over and over. And for Rodians, it was the glistening of their eyes, as if their very eyeballs were submerged in water and ready to begin dripping onto the floor below. When they were nervous or afraid, you could see their big dark eyes looked glistening, as if wet, and Karry’s was super glistening indeed. 

Kendall SO badly wished he could use the Force to make Karry speak, but...he couldn’t. So he thanked the Rodian and left, heading to an alleyway not far away as Frequency rested on the wall.

“How do you bounty hunters do it?” He asked quietly. “Deal with the...the lies, the inhumanity, the open cruelty? The worst parts of people?”

“Depends on the type of guy ya are. Me…” Frequency held up a pistol, spinning it around before he slunk it right back into its holster in a single smooth motion. “I have my ways. What about you?” Kendall bit his lip. He paced back and forth, thinking long and hard. Then he got an idea. 

“Karry doesn’t know I’ve got a lightsaber.” He remarked. “That I’m training as a Jedi. And the people in Nar Shadaa tend to be...well...they’re kind fo scared of Jedi AND Sith because of what the Dyad have done. Maybe…”

Frequency grinned. “Want me to get you a nice outfit to look the part, bro?” 

Indeed, that was the plan. The next day, Karry was speaking to a few clients in an alleyway, hand reaching out to collect their money as he grinned. “Always a pleasure doing business with-”

Then they heard a familiar PSSSSHHH, and the sound of a lightsaber igniting. They looked behind Karry, gasping in horror. There stood someone with incredibly pale skin, veins slightly popping up on his face, red, unnatural-looking eyes, eyes with faintly sunken-in, blackened sockets that looked as though soot had collected around them. His lips were cracked and pale too, with veins seeping over them, and his head was covered in a dark helm that covered up his hair, the same helm covering most of his face, save for his eyes and mouth. 

“Hello, gentlemen. The Dyad hopes you’re all being...good, law-abiding citizens?” Kendall inquired. 

They all screamed, racing off, Karry gaping at the obvious Sith with the red lightsaber before HE took off running too.

This would not be the first time. Karry was becoming a persona-non-grata over the next few weeks. EVERY time he tried to arrange a business deal, that Sith would appear, casually strolling by, stopping to say hi JUST in the middle of the business deal. Karry couldn’t get a single person to place a bet on any race whatsoever. Again and again and again the Sith kept popping up, always evilly and so CHEERILY smiling at Karry. 

Finally, at the top of a roof, after yet another day of losing business...Karry fell to his knees, slamming his fist into the ground again and again and again. “DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT! You got something to say to me, SAY it!” 

“How does it feel?”

Karry suddenly realized the man was right behind him. And...and it was KENDALL. Kendall was taking off the helm, a holographic guise falling away...but that lightsaber remained. He twirled it a bit as he and Frequency stood together. “You’re a Sith magnet now. Nobody from your world will speak to you. Nobody will look at you. You’re invisible to them. Do you GET what I’m trying to say to you?” “This is about that...that guy who made that bet, isn’t it? Valentino?” Karry asked nervously as Kendall nodded.

“I’ll stop appearing and interfering in your business...if you tell me what really happened.” Kendall said. “Right now.” 

Karry bit his lip, his body shaking, quivering in fear as he gulped. “I...the thing is...he won. He won and I couldn’t cover the bet.” “You couldn’t cover the bet?” “It was a long shot. The LONGEST. He...he BROKE me. But you...you can’t do business broke. I had to pay him. I had to pay out, I tried to get him to ROLL it over, I mean...most guys do! But he gave me a line about how his daughter, the doctor, needed the money, she was going to be giving birth, he needed it badly and he wasn’t going to leave the money with me. I had to pay, and...and the only thing worse than losing your bank is not paying. It ruins your reputation. I had to pay, and...so I...I lied to you. I said he went back to his home, I figured...I figured nobody would miss him. He was just a guy who worked a news stand. Nobody would care…” Karry trailed off. 

Frequency slowly got the pistol he’d shown off to Kendall a little while back out of its holster, but Kendall held his arm out. “You’re going to leave this planet. Tonight.” He said quietly. “You are NOT going to return. But first...you’re going to tell me where he is.”

And so, the next morning, Darth Raize and Furiosa were gently holding the shoulders of Valentino’s wife and daughter, as his wife quietly cried, all of them looking down into the depths of a large lake on the outskirts of the capital. “...it looks so cold down there. He...he doesn’t like the cold.” Hali murmured as Nora covered her face.

“I’m gonna be right back.” Frequency said as he flexed his shoulder muscles a bit, doing a pinwheel-esque motion before he dove into the water with a loud splash. Raize quietly watched, seeing Frequency’s blue form sinking down, down, out of sight, further into the depths of the lake. He’d trained as lifeguard for years, he was very good at swimming, and holding his breath. It was a good thing too, the lake was indeed cold and dark, a murky abyss that you could barely see anything in, but Frequency could see HIM.

A few fish slowly passed by him as Frequency touched down on the bottom of the lake, and gently knelt down. Valentino Savarr had been wrapped up in an enormous tarp from head to toe, and tied down in chains that were icy to the touch, serving to keep his frame at the bottom of the lake. Some fish had nibbled away at the tarp, thinking it was food, and as a few faint glimmers of sun cast light down from the water’s surface high above, one just barely caught the top of Valentino’s head, and the clear, obvious injury that had caused his death. 

Frequency picked him up, grunting a bit, and then began to undo the chains, swimming up with the form of the newsstand man. He had no intention of telling either of the Dyad how exactly he’d found the man. Not because he owed Kendall anything...him sparing Karry was the favor Kendall had asked for. He wasn’t going to tell the Dyad because he knew they were looking for him, and would kill him the minute they found out where he was hiding out. And somebody that decent...Frequency couldn’t bring himself to sell the Logosian out. 

“...we should say something about Mr. Valentino.” Furiosa offered to Raize as Raize wiped her eyes. “...when we do our weekly address to Nar Shadaa. About...about the ordinary people who can...slip through the cracks.”

“I would like that very much.” Mrs. Hali Savarr murmured as Raize nodded, Frequently gently putting Valentino’s body down, covering his face for the family before he quietly shook all of their hands, and then walked off, his paws in his pockets, just...thinking...about all he’d seen. 

And thinking about speaking to Kendall again.

“Today we mark the unfortunate demise of one Valentino Savarr. We had a reliable bounty hunter associate, Mr. Frequency, track him down after he was murdered and his body hidden in Lake Everclear, to the eastern outskirts of the capital. Some of you may ask why we’re...speaking about a random person who never did anything very “important” in their life. But the thing is, everyone in this city is...they’re not background noise. When one of us vanishes, someone else should notice. Every person is a star. A life. A heart. A voice. And when a voice is silenced by darkness, another must rise to see justice gets done. Valentino is survived by his wife, and his pregnant daughter, who expects to give birth in a few weeks. The funeral service will be attended by my wife and I. We would...very much like if you could come. It’ll be tomorrow at 1:00, in the eldest chapel on Main Street…” 

[bluerosesburnblue]

Liz Liveblogs Bravely Second: Chapter One

Bravely Second Chapter 1: When Duty Calls, Who Will Answer, GO!

Oh hey Kamiizumi. What the heck are you doing on a canoe in the middle of the ocean? Also, how is the boat moving but you are not?

WHO BRINGS THEIR CAT TO THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN???

Yew is blaming himself for the very existence of the traitors like??? Buddy. I don’t think that betrayal had anything to do with you

THEY’RE ALREADY A FAMILY IT’S SO CUTE

Tiz is tracking Agnès’s location based on the birds she can see from her window. What is this boy?

Team went back to Gathelatio for a boat and ended up discussing childhoods. Yew is a sweet little bookworm after my own heart and Edea’s answer is SWORDFIGHTING (”Didn’t you play tea parties?” “No, SWORDFIGHTING.”)

Edea is so excited to see Kamiizumi! He won’t explain HOW he’s alive, but hey! Free boat!

Yew gave a rousing speech to the remnants of the Crystalguard and big bro Tiz is just gushing about how Yew sounded like Agnès. And big sis Agnès agrees! (this family kills me)

“And everyone knows there are no squid on the Moon... only octopuses.” Tiz what... how do you know that? Is the moon colony a well known thing? Did we all just forget to mention that people live there in the first game?

And Magnolia doesn’t even know what an octopus is!

Everyone spies on Yew while he narrates his diary entries to himself and... ah, this must be where the “party members write comments in the bestiary” thing from the demo comes from

“Tiz please stop them.” “EVERYONE PICK A COLOR. I CALL GREEN.” Tiz...

They really are just a group of dysfunctional siblings already. It’s adorable

No one is impressed by Kamiizumi’s rowboat. Also he just... has a cat now. Okay.

Villains are talking about “an experienced assassin” and my jobs list is telling me that catmancer is in this chapter... so is this “assassin” the catmancer?

...those were cat noises in the background so I’m gonna say maybe

Oh god they flipped the perspective on the map so Eternia/Eisenberg are on the right and Harena/Florem are on the left. Oh god I’m gonna get so lost

That boat did NOT last long

Ughhhhhhh catmancer girl is making cat puns ughhhhhh at least Kamiizumi likes her because cats

And whoops now Kami’s cat is under her control and attempting to murder us

Hey! It’s Al-Khampis from the demo! And... Pudgius Bismol. Who was most certainly NOT in the demo

Okay I was worried about Yew being Tiz 2.0 at first but now he’s my precious nerd child

Cute Al-Khampis girl from the demo has a name and it’s Rifa! Yew knows her

I still can’t use the Al-Khampis inn, just let me heal please

“The five star gentleman I used to know” ...were Yew and Rifa dating?

Magnolia sure seems to think so because she’s getting jealous

Oh, so Rifa studies Ba’als! I suppose that’ll be our next target, then, along with tracking Agnès

Someone who looks like the owl guys that gave you summons in the first game is watching the party. It’s... ominous. He isn’t even speaking English, but Magnolia can hear him and understand him (no one else noticed because Edea’s throwing a fit over food)

Oh no he’s a Chomp cultist. He gave us chompcrafts. Time to become excellent plush toy makers

Just leave the game running and the team will auto-make plushies to sell. That’s neat

Oh christ I did it again I spent too long on minigames

Edea just introduced Tiz to someone as Agnès’s boyfriend and his response was to shove his hand on her mouth and basically go “HAHA what no” Tiznes is the best ship

Ughhhh who let Fiore “I kidnap women and wanted to destroy Florem” deRosa teach at a college? At least he bought the team lunch I guess

And they’re studying “somnial energy” to put an end to wars (as if people won’t just fight over the new energy source but whatever)

I can already see where this new “choice-based sidequest” is gonna go. Jackal wants more water for the people of Harena, deRosa wants more water to develop his wonder energy, and we’re gonna have to choose who to give water to

(Btw, Yew took everyone to a folklore lecture and Tiz was really into it. I love that the game makes sure you know that Tiz, despite being a farm boy, really loves learning. Also just furthers my belief that Tiz and Yew would be cute brothers)

T-t-teleport... pig??? There’s pigs that teleport you between towns??? That’s convenient but huh???

I like Jackal, he’s actually a nice guy, but I want the Thief job more, so sorry buddy (and like everyone in Harena)

It’s making me sick to side with deRosa, especially since I don’t trust a single thing he says about somnial energy and his “let’s have everyone move to Florem if they want water” plan is stupid as hell

AND IT COULD BLOW UP A TOWN my god deRosa is the WORST

His contingency for “what if someone uses it as a weapon” is I’LL TELL EVERYONE SO EVERYONE IS EQUAL AND NO ONE WANTS TO USE IT (buddy that’s just how you start Cold Wars, your plan guarantees nothing)

Ah well, I’ve already been spoiled on the fact that this game has time loops, so I can side with Jackal in the “canon run” I suppose (second loop?) I still hate this

God and now Edea’s preaching about how ideals are good but to never forget what people have sacrificed, forgetting that there isn’t even a guarantee that deRosa’s dumbass plan is even going to work! We screwed these people over for potentially nothing! So a little rich boy could feel better about his thesis work!

And the game presents it like it was a difficult moral choice, in a way that assumes that deRosa’s plan was anything short of poorly thought out and horrendously terrible. Also like the previous game didn’t do everything in its power to let you know that Jackal only ever did bad jobs in order to provide for all of the orphans he was taking care of and deRosa did a LOT of REALLY SHITTY things to women just because he felt like it. What I’m saying is, if you’re gonna write something to seem “morally grey” you have to be very careful, and basically not. Do. This. Especially if the choice is between a jackass who takes care of orphans through crime (morally grey on its own!) and a serial molester

The Ba’al is not in its crater. Edea thinks it doesn’t exist. Magnolia and I can see this for the omen it truly is

Magnolia has a communicator bracelet and called up VP Appleberry, who I am assuming is also a moon man given that he speaks fluent French. The Ba’al is on its way

So Ba’al v: Urchin. I think this is the one from the demo? Wasn’t that bad once I started chaining everyone’s specials (save accidentally healing it with Magnolia)

Magnolia’s explaining how she’s from the moon and fights Ba’als which... I thought we already covered, but okay (Rifa’s concerned that A. people live on the moon and B. the moon people have been fighting Ba’als for generations)

Insert *touching but cliche friendship speech by the team in response to Magnolia declaring that she’ll defeat the Ba’als even if she has to do it alone* here

Yew no joke made everyone umbrellas out of the Ba’al (and Tiz is the only one to genuinely compliment him on the resourcefulness, as opposed to being disgusted)

Yew and Magnolia are sharing an umbrella and he’s BLUSHING LIKE CRAZY that’s so cute (and Edea had to explain the Japanese “couple sharing an umbrella” thing)

CHRIST Edea. Tiz was just trying to help by sharing his umbrella. You didn’t have to drop kick him and smash his umbrella. God they’re all so MEAN right now

Agnès is in Anchiem! Move out!

Ah geez, the sandstorm from the demo is back. Let’s see how this gets resolved

Oh good. I’ve been waiting for the moment where Yew tells Pudgius to get lost because he outranks him (the noise Pudgy makes when Yew tells him he had a special sixth star is beautiful)

The Seven Horrors of Al-Khampis sound up there with the Seven Wonders of Twilight Town on the list of “things that are probably not what you think they are.” Wonder if the world is gonna glitch out

Mister Bones: the skeleton in the biology lab that comes to life at night oh my god these are already great

Professor Norzen is making some... weird noises at his star predictions (he’s also the astrologist from the beginning. Time to take his asterisk!)

Norzen set up the sandstorm to take down the Skyhold. Totally willing to sacrifice the people of Ancheim and Agnès. Yeah, no. Glad he’s crazy so I’m less conflicted about this than the Jackal fight

“I didn’t do anything during the events of the first game, so this time I will bring justice!!!” glad that Edea and Tiz chime in with the fact that their attempt to bring justice got a lot of innocents killed last game

I’d heard that fight was supposed to be hard, but I was overleveled as hell soooooo

“It was all a test!” Y’know, I saw that coming yet I’m still disappointed

Go find the compass, he says. What do you mean the cat that was suspiciously on the scene was being controlled by the catmancer. I never coulda guessed

Oh god she’s singing a song about cats and called herself a “meowsassin” can I give her an award for most obnoxious new character?

Wow. One scratch from that cat just straight up murdered Norzen. What the heck buddy

...the kaiser just said “Who’s a good kitty now? Who’s a good widdle kitty?” to Minette and I’m just ???

Mephilia vs. Kamiizumi sidequest. Gho Gettar has two choices: follow his dream and study with Mephilia to summon Amaterasu or follow Kamiizumi’s advice and go give his awful job another try. Not gonna lie here, I’m with Mephilia. While I agree with Kamiizumi wanting him to work hard, I feel like it would be better for him to work hard pursuing something he loves, rather than an awful job he hates just because that job is the right thing to do. And I’m with Mephilia: the break someone down so that you can build them up again mentality is fucked up and honestly more likely to cause someone to give up forever than actually help them

So naturally in the interest of making this the worst timeline and my own love of the summoner job, I’m gonna attack Mephilia. Sorry Gho, go back to your dead end minimum wage job for now

Well, at least Gho got promoted and is happy with his job. Still not super okay with condoning the “break them to make them” mentality

At the Harena Sea Caves for the compass. I think this was a demo location? It’s very familiar

Cats are here. I think we may be late

Goddamn my game hates the Harena Sea Caves. It’s crashed twice since I’ve been here. Thank god for autosaves

...does that compass just have a giant sword attached to the center?

Ah, but of course. Minette is here. (Just let me kill her already)

“Mewtralize” JUST STOP

Oh god Minette is calling herself a cat, and also the queen of all cats. She’s too far gone

Oh and the Kaiser loaned her a lion. Where did he...? Why...?

“Yew Mewnimeowgia” alright she’s dead I can’t take this anymore

Ultimately not a hard fight, but Minette can put the whole party to sleep which is annoying

Well she’s dead, but also handed off the compass to Janne. Annoying until her dying breath

Wait. According to the Journal she’s seventeen?!?! What?!?!?

Oh and it just flat out gives you a list of all the abilities and what creatures give them and the items needed. That’s WAY better than the Vampire blood magic from the last game

The Skyhold is still in Ancheim so the team is gonna see if they can get on it before it leaves. Through the Mill Works!

Ah, okay. So Catmancy skills are learned when ANYONE in the party is hit by a learnable attack, which the catmancer can then cast by using items. Interesting

Addendum: a catmancer/someone with Learning equipped must be in the party when the move is used

Magnolia is very impressed by the Ancheim windmills. Given that I assume the moon lacks an atmosphere that would make air power viable, I suppose that’s expected

Heyyy Private Piddler’s back

“I was hoping for someone more... competent” damn Janne is brutal

Janne is explaining why he hates the Crystalguard. Way back during the wars mentioned in the first game the Orthodoxy’s Crystalguard made a peaceful surrender when the Anticrystalists showed up BUT they also destroyed anyone who opposed the surrender... violently. Which included Janne’s parents. Yeah, I guess having your family murdered and erased from all historical records would screw you up pretty bad

Yeah Janne’s House Balestra was specifically killed by houses Geneolgia and Camlann. So Yew and Othar’s families killed Janne’s

Yew isn’t taking it well, but he’s also not buying it as an excuse. Sad backstory or not, Janne killed Yew’s friends and kidnapped Agnès. Basically, “cool motive, still murder.” And another reason to love Yew for the list

Aaaaand here’s Amphisbaena, which I’m gonna assume is the boss of the chapter. It’s uh... a two headed worm thing? Ugly as hell? One head is weak to magic and the other physical attacks. They also swap positions

A poor showing on my part: I forgot that using the Rejuvenation special attack would make all of my attacks heal so I ended up healing the damn thing back to full for a few rounds

Oh dear god according to the Journal that thing was PEOPLE, specifically one of a set of twins that ate its twin after being mutated. And since the twins were trying to protect Tiz they placed the monster in charge of defending his pod. Holy SHIT the Empire is messed up

Yeah any sympathy for the Empire gained from Janne is lost IMMEDIATELY after reading that

Yeah of course we’re not getting on the Skyhold. They sent their sniper after us

Wait... she’s shooting from EISENBERG? That’s across the ocean! How?

Foiled by a cowgirl and a bored baker. Typical

Also they’re probably dating? At least flirting really hard with each other

I wonder who the person doing the end-of -chapter narrations is supposed to be. She’s talking about love and figuring out if feelings will be true, which I’m not sure relates to what just happened, but alright

Wait the intro video is playing. Didn’t that already happen? Is that gonna happen every chapter? Like anime opening/ending credits? That’s neat, I guess, and it’s very pretty so I’m not complaining

And that ends Chapter 1! What a... strange series of events. I can already see where it’s improving on Bravely Default, and the story is already wackier, so I guess I’ll just have to wait and see if that’s a good thing or not. Until next time!

[the-pinstriped-hood]

Fruitful Moon Pt. 2

Here is part two to the interesting new saga of an old west supernatural love story! Once again Darrell Todd belongs to @bluecoolr

The maids at the manor were all shocked to find the blonde carrying their lady up the steps towards the house. "Sir, may I ask what happened?" One of them asked.

Darrell snorted, "Wolf attack." Darrell half lied. " A whole bunch of 'em. Took down the carriage, the driver and the horses. Little one fell asleep in my arms just as we were crossin' into town."

The stranger handed the girl over who was quickly rushed inside by her handmaid's just as the sun began to rise. Back down the steps and back out the wrought iron gate, Darrell headed back into camp. He was sure the rest of the pack had found the wreckage and salvaged it. Now it was up to him to keep the vampire quiet.

The camp, a few miles out of town, was busy with activity. Going through trunks and suitcases of the coach's things.

One of the younger bandits approached Darrell.

"Boss, we found the coachman and the horses but, where was the passenger?"

Darrell pursed his lips. "Had to take her back to town. Had she not made it, there would have been a ruckus I'm sure. Don't worry, I'll keep her quiet."

The pair made it into the tent as some of Darrell's other men had been looking over the valuables. "This lady was loaded! Gold and-"

The bandit gestured to the pile of silver things in the corner. "We can still sell it…"

"Is it legitimate?" Darrell asked, sitting down.

The bandits grumbled, showing their hands, covered in small burns from the contact. "Yeah, it's legit, Boss."

The head Lycan sat back, a pleased smile across his face. "Good. Then get to sellin'. The quicker we make our payday, the better. Don't want anybody to know we orchestrated this. Specifically not the girl."

The others stopped. "What'cha gonna do to her boss? Kidnap her and hold her ransom? Bet she's worth a lot with all the trinkets she had.."

Darrell picked up a stray stuffed animal in the shape of a dog, the tag on it read 'if lost please return to Claudia Grey'. "Nope. I got a better idea, you just leave little miss Claudia, to me." With a wicked smile on his lips.

Days later, Claudia had been awoken by a knock at her door. "Miss Grey? Are you awake?" One of her handmaids asked.

The vampiress stirred in her bed, black hair falling over her shoulders as she slowly sat up. Groggily yawning. "I-im awake…come in…."

More yawning as Juliet, Claudia's personal handmaid walked in quickly. "We were all so worried about you, that blonde haired stranger told us you had been under attack and the only one to survive! Oh how frightful!"

Claudia heard the curtains being pulled away as it was finally dusk. She yawned, her charming fangs flickering in the candlelight. "How long have I been out…?"

"Two days, dear." Juliet helped her lady up and out of her bed. "How do you feel? Hungry, thirsty?"

"Do we have any orange juice?"

"Fresh squeezed just this evening. Would you like me to fetch you a pitcher, dear?"

"Yes please!"

"Precilla will run you a bath and help you get clean. Dinner will be ready soon."

Juliet looked at her ward. Poor young thing, only 100 years old and blind as a bat.

She and her fellow handmaids were the first to arrive as soon as the house had finished construction. They were to make sure that the Lord and Lady Grey's daughter, Claudia lived in comfort. A young lady like her wasn't ready for so much excitement.

Claudia was gently led into the bathroom and stripped of her nightgown, being helped into the warm bath which felt nice.

"The man who brought me home. Who was he?"

Precilla stirred the cauldron which held the boiling water if her ward needed it.

"Nobody knows. He was a blonde haired man, thick accent but unfortunately did not give his name."

The vampiress silently wondered if she'd ever see her assailant/savior again. She wanted to ask him why she had been spared when he was rather keen on killing her. What gave him pause?

"Dear? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Precilla. Thank you for your help, I'll ring my bell when I need you…" Claudia gave a small smile and sat back in the copper basin, going under for just a little while.

Tag: @slaasherslut @rottent33th @slasherscrybaby @kalid-raven @probably-a-plant-thing @damien-mlm @angxlslasher @soupbabe @6lostgirl6

[redscullyrevival]

Fool’s Errand: The Tawny Man Rundown

@sonnetscrewdriver I was up until 2AM crying so thanks for that.

Plot/Setting/Narrative

This was the first book where the “recap” part seemed a bit long to me, but as usual I still enjoyed it and I had to remind myself that people who read in the correct order would be coming from the high seas of Liveship Traders and not directly from the Farseer Trilogy like I was and would probably welcome a long reunion with Fitz and all he’s been up to. 

All the same The Information We Should Remember™ set up at the beginning of the book seemed a bit transparent; I knew instinctively that as Fitz told the Fool about his year with The Old Blood and all he learned there and the story of the woman riding the body of a deer through the wit that that was going to be recalled in some way, and I was not wrong.  

Not that any of that sullied anything lol I loved this book so much oh my god.

I loooooved the Piebalds/Old Blood discontent and political tension.

Very interesting stuff, bit more complex than the Red Ship Raiders, yet a more subdued threat/issue which made it all the more delicate.  

I loved it.

Oh, I cried though. 

The Scene: In the middle of the night my family asleep, me alone in the living room comfy chair gross sobbing over Nighteyes. 

Within the first few chapters of the book we’ve been primed to understand and expect that Nighteyes wouldn’t be joining us in the next installment, I knew that. Hobb used that. She mined that expectation not out of cruelty but so as to share a truthful experience of loss. 

Knowing it was going to happen, even while reading the passage I knew must be goodbye, holy hell I was still hit so hard by it. 

There is a difference in being moved to cry over plot-happenigns (like a sudden character death used as shock or to accentuate a scene/moment for the main character) or ideological/theme reasons (like when I cried at Kettle’s backstory and healing as it tied into the woven ideas of Assassin’s Quest) and then feeling actual loss from a book. 

I cried real grief. 

Intense stuff.

Exhausting even.

I’m thankful Hobb wrapped the rest of the book up uneventfully after Nighteyes’ passing. If more intrigue had evolved I don’t think Fitz or I would have had the energy to care.

PS >> Treasure Beach, FUCK YEAH! 

I love that horrifying place. 

The others look kinda like those blobby Witch of the Waste’s minions from Studio Ghibli’s Howl’s Moving Castle in my head and I think of them as being kind of cute even though I know they’re supposed to be unnerving and, ya know, “OTHER”.

Dey my creepy cute widdle fishy jerks.

Fitz

Oh boy oh boy, I love me some adult Fitz.

Infinitely more interesting!

Pitting Fitz against the younger characters of Hab and Dutiful? Brilliant and delightful!

I’m a big fan of adult/kid combos in story telling because of mentorship and comparisons and conflict and blah blah lots of reasons; I loved Burrich for this reason (its why I like Batman, come on) but it was undeniably fun to see Fitz slip into this role, one I much prefer him in.

Fitz settled into my mind comfortably in this book. How I perceived him and how I saw him was more consistent than within any of the three Farseer books and some of that may be by design and some of it may be just me, I’m not sure but I appreciated it. 

The Fool

This idiot.

Their Lord Golden persona tickles me.

I love the bits were Fitz and Fool get to be their unguarded selves but oh do I hope more personas are on the way as well!

Haha please let one be Amber, I miss her.

Fool hasn’t seemed to grow or... Really be different in any way and I’m surprisingly okay with it. 

Ever the mystery. 

Hap

As my two year old would say, “Dats my boy!”

I’m a bit nervous for Hap as I am all teenagers because oh man those years are so weird but I do think Hap has a good head on his shoulders and I adore his fret over Starling and Tom. 

Hap is so good for Fitz and his love of the boy is life sustaining, in a fairly literal sense. 

They need each other and I desperately hope they’re aware of that and cling to it whatever may come next. 

But, ideally, Hap will be outside of whatever Farseer nonsense affects poor Fitz.

Let the boy seek love and the joints of cabinets in peace! 

Prince Dutiful

Dutiful deserves to be free from judgement from me, for now.

I say that because he is so well crafted I’m simultaneously a bit irritated with him and then dramatically sorry for him.

I’ve the advantage of knowledge and age over the young Prince, all that Fitz knows I know so for the first time ever I find myself directly and completely in tune with Fitz’s feelings towards Dutiful.

Which is yeah a mix of annoyed then sympathetic.

I look forward to learning more of the Prince and his betrothed. She had a total of one paragraph about her and I forget her name, but I love her already. 

Honestly I’ve been waiting for another mischievous little girl to appear in our series! I’ve missed having a Molly Nosebleed-like presence around.

Speaking of mischievous little girls: I’m still a little bitter about Rosemary, on her behalf of course! Poor thing was so young that by default she was being used. I hope she shows up at some point again because I’m incredibly curious. She was a much better assassin than Fitz - god I hope she didn’t die. Hope her Mama and Papa are okay to. :(

Huntswoman Laurel

Laurel is the first character in any of these series I don’t really have an opinion on. 

Which is a new experience so in a way I really like her lol

but at the same time she’s kind of... Meh? Meh is the word I’ve got.

I assume she like everyone ever presented in these series will grow and become more defined. 

Jinna

THE NEW FAVE 

lol

I’m so predictable but eh you know whatever I love her

I like that she’s just doing her thing.

She isn’t judgmental. 

She isn’t impulsive.

She’s mature and settled. 

She knows herself and has her own responsibilities and her own life.

I think she may be able to help Fitz realize life isn’t about producing or proving something, to help maybe finish the lesson Nighteyes tried to share? 

I dunno

I just like her okay?!

Starling

Oh child

I told y’all she was self-destructive 

What a mess of a person but I get her

I still like Starling. Her cutting tongue is a trait I enjoy in it’s own way, different than how I enjoy aspects and traits of other characters but an enjoyment all the same.

She’s the Fool’s foil in a way and I like her being around to stir the pot.

[the-pinstriped-hood]

Fruitful Moon Pt.4

Here's another chapter! Darrell Todd belongs to @bluecoolr

The Lycanthrope, feeling he had done a good deed retrieving Mr. Cuddles and sorted out if Miss Claudia was a threat or not, treated himself to a well earned glass of whiskey when he finally departed after a few hours that same night.

He leaned over his stool at the bar slowly turning the slightly dingy crystal glass in his hand. The vampiress had indeed not only been a threat but as passive and docile as one vampire could get only sustaining herself mainly through fruit juice. She also had quite the sweet tooth, being asked to have tea with her and being supplied with many a flaky chocolate confectionery. The pair sat on the porch with her handmaid's present, Claudia was cheerful, if a bit airheaded. But she was eternally grateful at the return of her beloved childhood toy.

That was a few weeks ago.

Since then, the pair had seen snippets of eachother but for the long lived life of him, Darrell’s heart ached to see her. Claudia was elegant, charming, poised and gorgeous. The southerner couldn't help but mapping out her adorable face in his mind. He would jump at any chance to see her again.

Darrell had walked into town, to clear his head and was stopped by a courier.

“Excuse me sir?”

Darrell looked back. “Can I help you?”

The courier looked flustered. Obviously a new hire at the post office and one not very in tune at talking to people. “Are you by any chance Darrell Todd? Or do you know him?”

The blonde snorted, putting on a friendly smile. Gotta keep up those appearances.

“That’d be me.”

The young man looked relieved. “ oh, Fantastic. Lady Claudia, up in the big house? She wanted me to pass this” He produced a letter with a beautiful wax seal that smelled like an apple orchard over to him. “To you. She asks that I give it to you with utmost haste, she paid me a handsome sum to get it into your hands. Have a good day, sir.” and with that, the courier walked off.

Darrell’s wolf-like nose picked up the scent of the orchard again that wafted from the sealed letter itself. Definitely, Claudia’s doing. The man couldn't help but chuckle. Sweet, just like her.

Breaking the seal, Darrell lifted up his hat a little, reading:

'Dear Mr. Todd,

I hope this letter finds you well.

A matter has come to my attention that would require your expertise.

Please come see me at the earliest convenience,

Yours,

Claudia Grey

Lady of the Grey Estate'

This is what Darrell had been waiting for, his chance to see her again. It was already too early to call upon her as she was most likely in bed by now as would be most of her maidstaff. He had time to kill until then. He was feeling sort of tired. He had pulled a long job last night, robbing a few travelers with his Pack, not that Claudia would need to know about that.

He decided to grab what he needed in town and head back to camp for some rest, He’d need it tonight.

Darrell stumbled out of his tent with a lazy yawn, stretching. Part of him still wishes he had that stuffed dog with him. He sort of liked cuddling with it.

“Hey boss, where ya headed this late?”

“ I got a job at the big house, The girl summoned me.”

“What? Seriously? You practically almost murdered her, why is she asking to see you again?”

Darrell shrugged, “what i'm about to find out. I’ll be back soon…”

Darrell took off in his wolf form, paws kicking up dirt and debris behind him as he sprinted, careful not to be seen by anyone and turned back, grimacing at the dirt under his freshly cut nails. He picked at them on the way through the wrought iron gate and up the stone steps, past the gargoyles standing silently at the entrance. The letter in his back pocket, he knocked.

Juliet answered the door, a smile on her face. “Mr. Todd I presume?”

He chuckled, tipping his hat. “Evenin’ Miss Juliet. The Lady of the house in?”

The door was opened wider. “Right this way.”

Darrell hadn't gotten a good look at the inside of the manor, it was lavishly furnished, polished marble floors, Columns and antiques that dated back quite a bit. He self continuously wiped his boots outside before walking in. “Thank ya kindly.”

Their footsteps echoed quite a bit into the sitting parlor where Claudia was sipping her tea.

A playful smile on her lips as she had already heard of Darrell’s arrival.

“Lady Grey? Mr. Todd is here as requested.” Juliet bowed and took a step back.

The vampiress set her tea cup down on its saucer with her pinky, standing.

“Darrell, how are you?”

“ S’been good, Lady Claudia. And yourself?”

“Still blind as a bat.”

At the joke they both chuckled, The Vampiress smiled. Oh how she wished she could see him, how handsome he sounded. The southerner took a seat at the table across from her and she sat. Her manicured fingers, running around the edge of her teacup. It was a usual porcelain piece with flowers. "Has my favorite teacup not been recovered?"

Juliet sighed. "No, I'm afraid not my lady."The lycan looked up. "a teacup?"

"It was her grandmother's. Pink marble, in the shape of a heart." Juliet piped up.

Darrell gave it a quick thought. Tea cup. Marble? The carriage had been recovered. So had the hapless coachman's remains. Perhaps the teacup would have been part of the spoils his pack had brought back.

"I suppose I could look around for it," he said, "If it should please the lady?"

Claudia looked up at him, hopeful and grateful at once. "Oh, yes! Please? ... sir?"

He had enjoyed tea with Claudia once again, being offered dinner and declining saying he had already eaten. Which wasn't a lie, he had a meal of Bear Stew which his camp cook had whipped up and was gone in seconds. Enjoying his time with her and hanging onto every word that she spoke. The way those adorable lips moved, her skin could have been mistaken for porcelain, how fair it was. And those eyes! From what he could see under those adorable bangs were a pair of glossed over pink pearls for eyes. She looked like a being that had been made from treasures.

The way she spoke was ladylike and gentle. But she was also charming! Why would she ever want to talk to a mongrel like himself? He almost killed her that day they met and here she was, chatting to him like a dear friend. Darrell couldn't help himself as they walked around the manor that evening. Claudia on his arm, trusting him to keep her safe with Juliet chaperone just a few feet behind. Darrell had to wonder, what exactly did she see in him?

Tag: @slaasherslut @rottent33th @probably-a-plant-thing @damien-mlm @soupbabe @6lostgirl6 @angxlslasher @slasherscrybaby @kalid-raven

(if you would like to be added to my tag list hit me up in the comments!)