#oughhhh i am in pain

[spinnysocks]

i love clangen so much. i love the little details that can become so important even though they're completely randomly generated. a cat started wearing juniper berries after their nephew called juniperkit was killed. a cat getting last grief over a cat who i didn't even realise was his close friend this whole time. the way the statuses and patrols and events create their characters. my clangen save makes me so ill (both /pos and /srs??) because i love these silly tragic kitties

[dawnslight-aegis]

23. on cloud nine

(oops, I didn't actually get to the bit that would go with the traditional meaning of the prompt. anyway. no content warnings yet but this will eventually be edited and the rating will increase accordingly.)

‘Twas late, long past when Aymeric should have left his office and headed to bed, but his duties as Lord Speaker had caused him to let some of his responsibilities at the Congregation fall to the wayside, and he needed to set them right before things along the Shroud-Gyr Abania border erupted into all-out war.

A quiet knock against his office door drew his attention, and his Second Commander stepped in without waiting for an answer. He wore a heavy cloak over his armor to ward off the autumn chill, clearly about to head home, and Aymeric felt a twinge of guilt for keeping the man there so late, away from his wife and daughters. “Here are the troop movement reports you asked for, ser,” he said as he set them on the edge of the desk, out of Aymeric’s easy reach, “but I really think you should leave them for the morning.”

Aymeric waved a hand in acknowledgement, smiling faintly. “Yes, yes. I’ll be on my way soon, I assure you.”

“Good.” The man paused, then leaned forward slightly. “There is one other thing.”

He felt his eyebrows crawl towards his hairline as he took in the shift in Handeloup’s bearing, from official to almost conspiratorial. “Oh? What is it?”

“The door guards have just informed me that the Warrior of Light has returned to Ishgard, and was seen going into the Forgotten Knight less than a quarter bell ago.”

Aymeric froze. Typically speaking, when in Ishgard, Kaede preferred to stay in her rooms at the Fortemps Manor – or his own house, in his bed, a quiet little voice whispered in the back of his mind, to be firmly squashed – while it was Marzanna who usually took up residence within their reserved suite at Cloud Nine. There was no reason to assume this time was any different.

“Which one?” he asked, with what he thought was a quiet neutrality. ‘Twas curiosity, nothing more.

The look that Handeloup leveled at him told him quite clearly that he had not succeeded. “Ser, with all due respect – I would not bother to mention it, were it simply Mistress Kimbatuul come to start a bar brawl or some such. I would simply set an extra sentry near the Knight and be done with it.”

Heat warmed his ears as Aymeric rubbed his forehead and dropped all pretense. “Gods, does everyone know?”

The man sounded as if he was moments away from bursting into laughter, despite his sympathetic expression. “If your… regard for Mistress Kazarishi was meant to be a secret, ser, it’s a poorly kept one.”

He truly had no response for that, and his Second Commander grinned as he saluted and slipped out the door with a cheeky “have a pleasant night, Lord Commander.”

Pleasant, indeed. The object of his affections, she who had occupied most of his waking thoughts since the night she had confirmed that her feelings for him ran deeper than friendship, was just across the plaza, after being gone for nearly a fortnight. If he dared, it would take him only minutes to be at her door.

Taking a deep, steadying breath through his nose, Aymeric shook his head. She had not come to him, nor to his home. She had not even gone to her normal lodgings – which, to him, indicated either a wish for privacy or simply for rest, given the lateness of the hour. ‘Twould be presumptuous indeed for him to assume that a visit in the middle of the night would be welcome, regardless of the relationship that had been growing between them over the past two moons.

Firmly chastising himself for even entertaining the notion, Aymeric stood and walked to the edge of his desk, collecting the reports that Handeloup had delivered. He rifled through them, reading the same one three times before he realized that he hadn’t absorbed a word that they contained.

Clearly, he would be getting no further work done this night, as was likely Handeloup’s true goal. Collecting his own cloak, he fastened it over his armor and left the reports on his desk for the next day. Stepping out into the night, a sharp, cold wind hit his face and took his breath away – a late autumn blizzard was moving in, apparently, and snow was already beginning to pile up against the walls of the buildings. Aymeric pulled the hood of his cloak over his head and frowned. His normal route home through the Pillars would expose him to the wind and take more time than he’d like in these conditions – quicker to cut through the Brume, despite the danger.

The scar in his abdomen twinged in pain from the cold, reminding him of what had happened the last time he had thought to take that route, and he sighed. As he stood, seized by indecision and getting colder by the moment, his eyes fell on the Forgotten Knight, barely visible through the snow. The light in its windows called to him, the siren song of warmth and companionship far more tempting now when set against a long walk home in the dark and the cold, to an empty bed.

May the Fury have mercy on this lovesick fool, he thought with a sigh, and turned towards the tavern. The back of his mind cursed him soundly, but he could not alter his course. And so he stepped through the door, cloaked and hooded, attempting to attract as little attention as possible as he made his way to the counter. Fortunately, the tavern was all but empty, the patrons either driven home or to their beds in the inn by the weather.

Gibrillont raised his eyebrows as Aymeric approached, immediately recognizing him. “Well. ‘Twould seem I have the honor of hosting two important personages tonight,” he muttered under his breath as he wiped out a tankard with a rag that looked barely clean enough to do any good at all.

Aymeric leveled a look at the former knight of House Haillenarte. “I do my best to keep myself and those under my command well clear of your business, ser, and you have prospered for it,” he said, and the man grunted in response. “On the morrow, I will continue that practice. I only ask for two things: that you keep my presence here quiet, and –”

“Give you her room number?”

Aymeric groaned internally. A poorly kept secret, indeed. Unsure of what to say that might leave his dignity mostly intact, he simply stared at Gibrillont until the man sighed and nodded.

“Under one condition. That you not be using my establishment for your ‘clandestine meetings.’ I’ve a reputation to uphold, I’ll have you know, and sheltering slumming members of the peerage ain’t part of it.”

He could not quite squash the urge to argue the man’s claims, though doubtless it would fall on deaf ears. “I assure you, ‘twas merely the weather that drove me here.”

“Sure, keep telling yourself that. Second floor, third door on the left. Don’t come cryin’ t’ me for a room if she throws you out on yer arse the way she did the last man I saw her take up there. We’re full up.”

Aymeric ignored the obvious jab – Kaede’s business was her own, and he was well aware of her extensive romantic past – and nodded in thanks before heading towards the stairs at a pace that could not quite be called unseemly.

Before he could think better of this entire mad plan, he was in front of her door, lightly rapping his knuckles against it. For a long moment, there was silence, and he was left with the internal debate of if he should knock again or just head home in defeat.

Fortunately, he was saved from his nervous indecision by the door cracking open and beautiful blue eyes staring blearily up at him.

Oh gods, he’d woken her up.

“What is it – wait. Aymeric? Is everything okay?” Her gaze sharpened, Warrior of Light rapidly replacing the tired woman before him, and he cursed himself for a fool. Of course she would think something was wrong, with him showing up in the middle of the damned night.

“No – I mean, yes, everything is fine. I merely –” he stumbled a bit, before shaking his head, the excuse about the weather dying unspoken on his tongue. “I heard you were here, and I wanted to see you.”

The reason sounded so juvenile to his ears, but… it was the truth.

A blink, and she was simply Kaede again, her surprise slowly giving way to a small, private smile. “Oh. Well. I didn’t think you’d still be up, or I would have come by.”

“For once, my propensity for working late does me a service. I must confess, I missed you fiercely.” The admission rolled easily off his tongue, and her smiled widened a bit in response.

Tucking a rogue lock of hair behind one of her horns in a gesture he was thrilled to recognize as one of flirtation, Kaede stepped back and waved a hand towards the room. “Would you like to come in? It’s not anything fancy, but it seems a shame to come all this way and then stand around in the hallway.”

Suddenly aware that they had, indeed, been doing just that, he ducked into the room and shrugged out of his snow-damp cloak as she shut the door behind her.

Turning to her, Aymeric opened his mouth to ask what brought her to Ishgard, when he found himself seized by the front of the coat and yanked down into a kiss, desperate and hungry. Off balance in more ways than one, he braced one hand against the door frame, the other sliding beneath heavy gold hair to curl, possessively, around the back of her neck. He had not intended, but gods, he had wanted…

Still, when Kaede finally relaxed her grip on him and slowly lowered herself back down from her tiptoes, he shook his head. “I swear to you, I did not come here for –”

Irritation flashed across Kaede’s face, and she sighed. “Aymeric. Do you really want to stand around making small talk a bell past midnight in a vain attempt to spare whatever tiny shreds of virtue I have left?”

Whatever protests he had meant to make caught in his throat as she stared up at him expectantly. The truly foolish thing had been to forget, even for a moment, that her directness was one of the many things he loved about her. “I… no. I do not.”

“Good, because neither do I. There will be plenty of time for talking in the morning. Right now, I would like to go back to bed, and I would very much like you to join me.”

“As my lady commands,” her murmured, before dipping down and pressing another kiss to her mouth, slower than hers had been, but no less heated. When they broke away again, there was a flush to her cheeks and a sparkle in her eyes despite the fatigue, and there was a part of him that was proud indeed to have put it there. “Let me get out of this damned armor, and I am utterly at your disposal.”

–

Later, as they dressed in the dim pre-dawn light, Aymeric finally felt compelled to speak that which she had forestalled him from saying the night before. “Kaede.”

“Hmmm?” came the distracted, tired reply, and he felt a twinge of guilt for having woken her up from and shortened her much needed rest, but he forged on anyway.

Setting aside his surcoat for the moment, he walked over to her and looped his arms around her midsection, tugging her back so she stood flush against him. “I just want you to know,” he murmured, “that I do not take anything that happens between us lightly. That everything I do is rooted in respect for you, and in affection. That me coming to see you tonight was not a craving of the flesh, but a yearning of the heart.”

She went still in his arms, then let out a slow, controlled breath. “Careful, ser, or else I might think you were attempting to confess something.”

Her tone was trying for light and playful, but there was a tightness in it, and he did not know if it was born from hope, or fear.

Here was the moment, the crossroads. He could laugh and let the moment pass, and they could continue as they had been – more than friends, yes, but with no promises yet made. He could let her leave him again, for the Fury only knew how long, without saying the words that burned within him, that underscored his every thought and action towards her.

The mere thought was agony, and he could not bear it.

“And if I am?”

There was a long pause, and Aymeric’s heart sank as Kaede slowly extricated herself from his arms, gathering her boots and refusing to look at him. When she spoke, it was to the floor, her hair fallen in a curtain to shield her face from view. “I cannot be what you want me to be.”

The last time he had seen her, she had let slip her insecurities that what lay between them was not meant to last; that sooner or later he would tire of her wanderings, and seek out a wife and an heir as befit his station. He had attempted to reassure her, but held himself back from making any grand statements – it had felt too soon, their relationship too fragile, and to place too much pressure on it would be to have it dissolve like a soap bubble. But though she had seemed satisfied with his answers then, doubt had clearly set in in his absence.

Aymeric let out a frustrated sigh. “I do not want you to be anything or anyone else, only to be as you are.”

When she did not answer him, he knelt on the splintered wooden floorboards in front of her, sweeping her hair back and drawing her chin up, so that she might meet his eyes. There was apprehension in them, and blatant misery, but also longing.

He wished he knew who had made her so damned sure that she would eventually be tossed aside like refuse, that she would respond to love with fear.

Withholding the depth of his feelings had done nothing to secure her trust in him, so this time, he would give her the truth in its entirety.

“I love you, Kaede. Deeply, fiercely, as I have not felt before in all my life. There is naught either of us can say or do that will change that fact. And though duty demands much of us both, I will take whatever you can give me, and give all of myself I can spare in return.”

Aymeric watched as she turned his words over, her face a mixture of emotions that he could not begin to identify. Finally, she landed on a small, sad smile as she reached out and pressed a palm to his cheek. “You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who can give you all of their time, not just scraps of it.”

“As do you. But what either of us ‘deserves’ matters very little to me in this moment. I care only for what I want, and what I believe you do, as well.”

And may all the Twelve have mercy on him if he was wrong.

“I –”

Whatever she had been about to say was lost as the insistent ringing of her linkpearl, the same that had awoken them in the early hours of the morning, shattered the moment. She let her hand drop from his face and turned back to finish lacing her boots. “I have to go. I don’t want to, but…”

“I understand.”

And he did. Gods, if he understood anything about her, it was this. Even though it hurt, he stood when she did, and did not attempt to bridge the gap between them again.

He thought she might leave it like that, words unspoken and hanging in the air, but he watched her jaw clench and release as she pulled her hair back into a hasty ponytail, rather than her customary elaborate braid, and then she turned back to him, determination in her eyes. “I do want to finish this conversation, I just need to… think on it, a bit.”

“You will come back?”

“I will. I promise.”

The resolve in her voice went a lot way towards quieting the unease in his heart, as did the way she pulled him down into a kiss that was a softer, sweeter echo of the night before.

And then she was gone.

Aymeric raked a hand through his hair, and sighed. Much more of this uncertainty and he would nearly welcome the war that lay on the horizon. At least then, he would have a distraction.

[watery-melon-baller]

i am gods strongest soldier (just endured worlds worst tummy ache and several bouts of nausea)

[pochapal]

you can assert yourself and cut off a toxic relationship dynamic at any time. but watch out!! the Grief

[woodsteingirl]

perhaps i will call it an absurdly early night and go to bed at like 10:30 or something…

[zhuoyichenpretty]

Eps 30-33 Commentary

No meta, just reactions! I have less to say about some eps so I'm combining several episodes worth. To make up for my head-emptiness and lack of meta, I've included more pictures lmao. Spoilers under the cut!

Ep 30:

"You really are pitiful." Li Lun waking up thinking of ZYC's words oooh they did that opening line for Li Lun/ZYC lovers (me)

What a homoerotic way to give the Truth Eye

ZYC and ZYZ having their first drink(s) together here, ZYZ and Li Lun having one last game of chess here. Gay ppl will go “I know a place” and take you to a damp cave and a little stone table in the Wilderness

Oof. The apparent inherence of winning/losing in their activity of choice compared to the drinks that took place here between ZYC and ZYZ. Even with a draw, it’s competitive by nature. If Li Lun knew about the three (very intense, very intimate) toasts that came before in this very spot, I wonder how aggrieved he’d feel.

Ah well there goes the date spot /:

I’m so happy to see LZY (Bai Jiu’s actor) get to fight! His fight scenes in MTJY were awesome and he continues to impress here as well. It’s so fun to watch!

………..to revisit my question from previous commentary about when the grievances against Ying Lei will end, the answer is never ;-;

Damn…For ZYC to promise to spare Li Lun after all that Li Lun has put him through specifically and personally. ZYC really fucking loves ZYZ doesn’t he.

I’m so fucked up over Ying Lei’s last words jesus christ.

ZYC sobbing and feeling the fleeting warmth of the rock Ying Lei was just leaning against…when will the world stop taking away his family members??? His brothers???

That scene of everyone looking at Bai Jiu after Ying Lei dissipates. The fact that he's right there. And it’s like they traded one life for another. The two babies of the group. Goddammit.

Do NOT hit me with Bai Jiu’s actor singing “Broken-Tailed Bird” right now oh my god

So like…regarding ZYZ losing his demonic power, does he still count as the most evil demon of ZYC’s time? Can someone ring Ying Long and ask?

ZYC crybaby oh no I can’t believe he’s crying over ZYZ being so weakened aw I love him

My god, Bai Jiu running after Ying Lei and into ZYC’s arms has to be one of my favorite sequences in the whole show. So so good. So so painful. Between this scene, all the flashbacks, and ZYC’s reaction when he died, I’m at least glad the show is spending so much screen time and significance on Ying Lei’s send-off, even if I’m heartbroken that he’s gone. We couldn’t even have the whole family reunited for one moment.

Also have you ever seen a man so mother?

No but seriously "Cry if you want...[tears] have to do with our hearts" ZYC my healthy masculinity king!!!

This song fucking hurtssssssssss this cheese (it's buttermilk) hurts everything hurts

I’m glad PSJ gets time and space to react. Her lines about being a mortal and not being needed are so good but also ow!!! And oh WX always knows exactly what to say to her 🥹

I love everything ZYC says to Bai Jiu about each family member (like yeahhh WX is unlucky 😭 and yeaahHH PSJ does need support too) but MAN the way he says ZYZ’s name is so fucking good. The fact that it gets so much emotion across without saying a single word further as he gets interrupted. His voice and his expression both collapsing a little in that moment. Efficiency of acting strikes again.

Is it even possible for ZYC to cherish this little family more?

Yo this dramatic ass lighting on ZYZ and ZYC standing in the doorway. Why y’all need so much drama just to talk? Also oughhhh ZYC’s gaze is a mess looking every which way while discussing WX’s poison. He is such a bad liar (but he looks so good doing it). Is that why they gotta talk about this like ten feet apart so ZYZ can’t see him lying? Lmao

Okay also tho if ZYC's coming around looking like this I am not hearing a single thing he's saying:

They flashed back to the previous time ZYC held his hand out but cut away from ZYZ taking it this time. Is it bc the absolutely unfettered tension between them can’t pass censors anymore? Haha god but that shot of ZYC slowly meeting ZYZ’s eyes from ZYZ’s POV whewwww we don’t got the skinship but their gazes are kind of insane??? TJR in blue contacts is too powerful I'm shaking somebody needs to stop him.

Ep 31:

Trying so hard not to be driven a little crazy by the lapses in continuity in this show (‘: It’s just tonal and costuming stuff that are a little difficult for me to ignore, just the fact that it’s kind of apparent which scenes were filmed in what order based on their costume/styling changes + the sets, and how sometimes the tone from the previous events don’t smoothly carry over because of this. But it's momentary, I just gotta. Power through.

YO the Pei siblings sparring was so cool and for what. They should have had WX spectating instead of staring at nothing in the previous scene (-:

Damn how long has it been since they played the fun music. Also feels kind of wrong without Ying Lei though fml

Awwww Qing Geng I missed her she’s so cute!! I wasn't doing ep commentaries during her arc so I gotta make up for it here. Her actress is so talented and adorable, and her costuming in this show is stunning!! Her lashes!! Her colors!!

THE TREE BRANCHES lmfaooo ZYC what happened to being worried for ZYZ’s weak body?? We really haven't had a moment like this in so long though (':

Well I do like the reason why WZY had a fake out death, that’s pretty clever and narratively sound, but also oh god what in the AOT??? The inner cores hidden in the medicine is some odious fucking work dear lord

I also like that the endgame is coming about from what initially seemed like another small-time case. Of course the evil physician's huge scheme at the end weaponizes plague and poison and medicine.

Ayeee fun that they used the teleporter on WZY instead of as a getaway

Lmfao ZYC just standing there taking a huge hit of the poison smoke. Poor baby doesn’t watch movies and doesn’t know smoke from a bad guy always means some kind of poison

Why does poisoned!ZYC have such an incredible smokey-eye siren look I’m shook

After knowing the poison is about indulging in your greatest wishes, the first moment ZYC woke up and approached ZYZ they sure looked like they were about to indulge in something sorry ignore me

The way this is so similar to ZYZ’s imaginings where he and WX always turn around and look at the camera. The show wants censors to believe they’re looking at ZYZ but we've known all along who the third POV is here

Also why aren’t ZYC’s bro and dad in the wish illusion?

Ohh the eerie instrumental rendition of the OST when ZYC draws his sword is too good. And yesss we were so due for some more crazy dream fuckery like is this real? Is this real??

Ep 32:

The team is spread so thin )-: One man (mountain god) down and a whole town to save and an immortal villain to vanquish.

WZY's eagerness in trying to goad ZYC into killing himself while poisoned is so so sinister goddamn. I love how disturbing it is to slowly realize what he wants without any lines at all

ZYZ shielding ZYC from a huge fucking fireball with just his hand is adorable and sad:

I already normally love Li Lun's whole leaf-swirly entrances and exits but you know I cheered when he deus ex machina-ed his way here!!! With that bgm too!!!

Li Lun came back to accept ZYC into their throuple. He's had some time to think and yeah he's decided ZYC's kinda hot and maybe shouldn't die or else ZYZ will be sad.

):

ZYC's soft and anguished, "Qing Geng" when he realizes she gave him her inner core. That's my bleeding heart hero ;-;

Throuple of the fucking yearrrrrr:

Spoiler for ep 33/34 but—watching Bai Jiu watch the three of them and realize he can't do anything to help here... It would have been dangerous for him to stay, but I wonder if things could have ended differently ):

Ep 33:

Oughhhhh Pei Siheng ))): The cruel fucking poetry of PSJ, the most emotionally closed-off character, having her heart, her brother, made into her armor. And then to lose him once more.

ZYC proving time and again that his heart is entirely boundless and he'll shelter anyone from the rain and he just wants everyone to live:

LI LUN/ZYC LOVERS HOW ARE WE FEELIN'?!?

Did not expect MORE ZYC choking now that they're on the same side but yeah Li Lun is not one to let go of a good thing I get it. I'm screaming but I get it. "I'm giving you half my demonic power" yeah right just admit you like doing this dw Li Lun this is a safe space.

Literally what am I watching and also no don't mind me, keep going. Feral over ZYC dropping his hand and letting it happen.

But lmfao the way Li Lun did not need to be doing all that, like he sends his power out to ZYZ without even making physical contact. He could've just grabbed ZYC by the shoulder.

Can't believe I just keep winning:

ZYC didn't even know what Li Lun was doing putting his arms around him and he just let it happen. That's some next level trust.

Ah goodbye Li Lun, presumably another victim of the "(ex-)villains can't have good endings" brand of censorship

Oof I love that the initial horror after the seeming victory is reserved first for the simple fact that ZYC and ZYZ are separated, that ZYC can't go to him the way he was intending to. Even when it's unclear yet that WZY is still alive, just the wrongness of them being divided this way is so poignant. ZYC has such a helpless look about him when he says ZYZ's name.

Goddammit WZY saw Li Lun choke ZYC and got ideas.

Oh I love the uncertainty of whether the One-Word Spell works on ZYC or not. ZYZ's sudden and intense fear. Also though WZY tries to use ZYC dying as a deterrent for ZYZ blowing up the barrier but he's literally choking the life out of ZYC as we speak

Bai Jiu's completely unrestrained screaming and crying in pain is so brutal to listen to. His scenes go on forever. Also, the choice of having some of his flashbacks be blurred and vague in the background, once again something privately kept for the character

ZYC holding out his hand to ZYZ a third time ;-; The utter relief of being able to reach each other again paralleling that previous horror of separation.

ZYC physically feeling Bai Jiu's death oh god. We do not get a single moment of happiness and victory in this drama everything is bought with pain and returns pain I hate it here.

Also another post-finale thought (spoilers for the end of the drama)—If ZYZ remained in his weakened state, I really am curious if he would have still met the conditions of the prophecy (ZYC being cursed to kill the most evil demon of his time, if the prophecy is indeed conditional like that, of course). If that could have been a technical loophole, did Li Lun giving both of them his power and then ZYC giving ZYZ his as well basically fulfill it again? I mean, logistically speaking, without that extra power, I'm not sure if ZYZ would have been able to trigger the Baize cycle again (or whatever it is he did to save the town). So the show's final tragedy can be traced all the way back to these moments of giving out of love and protection, just as Bai Jiu being in the perfect place for his final sacrifice came about because ZYC, ZYZ, and Li Lun were trying to protect him and get him out of danger. The way love and grief are so helplessly, inevitably intertwined that one begets the other. They were all just trying to save each other.

On that completely painful note, that's 30-33! And it'll be downhill from here for the next one (-:

[rochenn]

oooh tell us about the Witch Hunt AU!!!

!!! 17TH CENTURY ASAJJ ALERT !!! YESSSS

Oughhhh this AU is my beloathed baby. I am SO IN LOVE with the idea but the setting is a major headache. Anyone looking to create a historical Star Wars AU is faced with a conundrum: do you vaguely map the gffa onto your chosen historical setting, turning planets and systems into cities and counties and inventing a few religions and cultures while you're at it, or do you go full history major and slam your dick on the table and say NO. THIS IS SET IN THE REAL WORLD WITH REAL HISTORY FACTS. PAIN AND SUFFERING. CITATIONS IN THE AUTHOR'S NOTE.

But be that as it may! We're here for some good old Asajj and Dooku bonding time. It's so difficult to write anything wholesome yet adventurous about them in the canonverse, so what if Asajj were to be accused of witchcraft and took refuge in the castle of a local Count?

Just. Man. Asajj being turned away from every town and village for looking odd and doing odd things and possibly other crimes, only to be taken in and secretly harbored by the county's ruler. She wasn't free before, and she isn't free in the castle either, but she's safe. For now! Because Dooku isn't immune to accusations of witchcraft himself! And there's a whole town to deal with!

Sadly there are no snippets yet bc I'm still waffling about what path to take with the setting but yeah this one is one of my favorites <3

[twinksintrees]

so i am absolutely obsessed with @play-rough’s classification au on ao3 and it got to the point where i needed to make a whole playlist dedicated to it, so here it is, i hope you all like it.

playlist breakdown under the cut

understand: it’s the first song on here because of @/knoxx.tbox’s animatic, it’s gorgeous and everyone should check it out. it captures the gentle, caring part of their relationship perfectly.

little space: it’s just a song about little space, i also found the line “and i start to give in/to the sin/to the sin” very fitting for dazai because of just how much he hates his little head space.

hazel: sad tired dazai vibes, it makes me think of the second fic where he stays up all night, trying to drop but can’t, and the poor baby is just so out of it. “hold me tightly” he wants chuuya to hold him so, so badly. but he can’t say that, he can never just say what he wants, so he has to wait until he drops and then he has no choice, and he hates it. but yeah it also just soft sweet comforting vibes to me.

smoke signals: this one’s weird cuz unlike most of the songs on here where they’ll apply to either dazai or chuuya, this one has a stark divide of both. the first few lines “i know i’m a freak/ripped the band aid, broke the peace/took the lock but lost the key/guess i set you free” are so dazai it hurts. he thinks he’s a freak, he hates himself for his regression, he thinks leaving and getting out of chuuya’s space and life is setting him free from dazai. but that’s not what chuuya wants, the rest of the song is all about chuuya always welcoming him back, always wanting him there when he’s upset, wanting to be there and to help him. he wants to take care of his baby and for his baby to let him.

almost home: this one just gave me very gentle sweet vibes. it also made me think of the car ride back to chuuya’s apartment after dazai bit tsu and walked back to his shipping container alone and regressed, and just chuuya lulling small dazai to sleep and holding him, happy to have his baby back.

moon river: i wanted at least one nice lullaby on here and this is what my mom would always sing me so it’s just very personal to me lmao. just picturing chuuya humming/singing it to little dazai makes me v happy.

treehouse: the childhood friends vibe. “i’m the captain/but you can be the deputy” just like, describing their bond together. the closeness, the trust, all that.

escapism: this one’s all about dazai. him wanting to be free from his pain and wanting to be free from his little space, while also using his little space to escape his pain, if that makes sense.

beautiful boy: first off this songs just makes me insane second oughhhh chuuya singing it to dazai would end me. he’s chuuya’s boy, his sweet little baby. and chuuya will always be here for him, will always keep him safe, will always do his best to quiet the overwhelming voices in his head. they’re so soft it makes me unwell.

yellow: also a chuuya one, he’d do anything for baby dazai. he would bleed himself dry if it came down to it.

i need to be alone: dazai angst. the isolating himself when he feels little space coming on. the antsy-ness, the irritability, all of that. he doesn’t want to snap at chuuya, but he doesn’t know what else to do, doesn’t know how else to handle it. so he lashes out and somehow, still, chuuya is there. he hasn’t pushed him away yet. dazai doesn’t think he can handle the day he hits his limit.

i’ll die anyway: similar vein to the above. sad dazai.

juliet: the opening verse is so dazai core to me it hurts. “but i need to understand/when I can power through/and when i need some help from you/when i should stand my ground/and when i need to just sit down/sometimes i act like i know/but i’m really just a kid” all of this speak to dazai and his relationship with chuuya, specifically with accepting his help with his little space. he doesn’t know what to do, how to handle anything, when he’s little he is just a baby. chuuya knows what to do, what will help him feel better, knows how to take care of him and make him feel good. and dazai has mixed feelings on that, because he loves chuuya and he loves his attention, but it hurts to receive sometimes, and it hurts to not know what’s going on with himself, and that chuuya knows better what to do. he feels out of control and he doesn’t like it, but he still trusts chuuya and yeah it’s a whole thing.

i’ll keep you safe: chuuya song. very straight and to the point, chuuya just wants to keep dazai safe and happy and he wants to protect him, be there for him, quiet all the bad thoughts in his head. he knows how much it takes for dazai to regress at all, and the fact that he keeps doing it around chuuya (even though sometimes it is out of either of their control) just proves a huge amount of trust and chuuya values that so deeply, and that is a bond he would never dream of betraying or breaking.

rises the moon: imma be honest this one’s just for the soft vibes. i could see chuuya humming it as a lullaby, but mostly it just made me feel soft and happy so i put it on here.

small hands. this song. this song oh my god. i love this song so much it hurts. anyway it’s chuuya talking to dazai, “if you need come build your home in me, i can’t fix what was done to you, but i’ll shield you from the rain.” it’s chuuya knowing he can’t go back and erase dazai’s past, but being here for him now. he’s here now, and he’ll be here in the future. “cause i never mind, no matter the day or time, i never mind” chuuya would do anything to be there for dazai, it’s him telling him to reach out for help, telling him it’s okay, telling him he truly doesn’t mind, he wants this. he wants to care for him, to help. “and all the anchors that they hid inside your chest/we will unravel all of the chains/toss the remnants all down the drain” the anchors and chains being the trauma mori’s instilled about little space being bad. that dazai’s not supposed to, that he just push through and push it down and be fine. it’s chuuya telling him that’s not how it works, but together we can get you to regress safely and see that it’s not bad, it doesn’t have to scary, it can even be fun sometimes. it’s the slow process of working through all that trauma. “i will be there to pick up the pieces, and keep you housed while you bend them up” literally just chuuya always trying to have dazai over. his apartment is so much better than dazai’s shipping container. like just objectively. “if you wind up in the dark again/just turn and call my name/if the fire in your chest goes out/well i’ll hold you all the same” this whole bit also makes me think of after dazai bit tsu. “if you wind up in the dark again” is dazai going back to his container alone and scared. dazai doesn’t even need to call chuuya’s name before he’s showing up to help him, even if it’s a bumpy ride getting on the same page. “well i’ll hold you all the same” goes for chuuya’s feelings towards dazai in general. he wants to care for dazai in and out of headspace, it’s just the type of care looks different depending on where dazai’s at. sometimes it’s holding him in his arms, sometimes it’s pulling him back from a ledge. sometimes it’s gently feeding him a bottle, sometimes it’s forcibly fighting him into dry, clean clothes so he doesn’t get sick. and now for my favorite line “if you need to take this out on me/well you know i won’t complain” it’s chuuya never getting angry at dazai’s outbursts in headspace, cuz he knows how hard it is, how hard his baby is trying, he just doesn’t know what else to do with his overwhelming feelings. so chuuya takes his outbursts and handles them, and he’ll never hold them against his baby, because he’s literally just a baby what else is he supposed to do but cry and lash out when he’s tired and grumpy.

tired: sad tired dazai and specifically the line “cause i’ve been eating less all day/to give my brain some extra space to think.”

coffee: I know it’s called coffee but honestly this makes me think of chuuya prepping dazai’s bottles, making sure it’s just the right temperature, the right flavors for his baby. vanilla and strawberry, something more special than just milk. it’s cute.

feb 14: honestly i just kept coming back to this song and the playlist didn’t feel complete without it but i couldn’t tell you why, i don’t have a real detailed reason for it other than vibes.

this side of paradise: chuuya not wanting dazai to feel lonely/be alone and scared while in headspace. “come be lonely with me” all that jazz. i chose the slow version cuz the og felt to fast paced and overwhelming compared to the rest of the playlist, and i this fit it better.

[mochiwrites]

Mochi mochi mochi mochi I’m in such a tcd scar brain mood today I am just. THINKING about him. Rotating him in my mind. Silly little guy with a literal horror story as a majority of his early life. This guy Experienced The Terrors and then repressed them so deeply that he hasn’t told a single soul about what he’s gone through (except Grian in the secret husbands au ig), and then gets confused when he accidentally lets something really specific slip out and gets really concerned and bewildered stares from his fellow hermits. Grggrhrrhrghrhrhhr I’m just thinking about him so much.

Guy gets questions about how he managed to get so good with a bow and arrow, and all he does is just quietly mumble something about “needing to shoot a lot of things as a teenager” before changing the subject completely before anyone else can respond.

He still gets really nervous around zombies sometimes and has DEFINTELY freaked out on other hermits before about avoiding getting scratched or bitten.

Rgehdjtrjff he is just so interesting to me. Man has some serious issues and absolutely NOBODY is aware of them at all. (Besides Grian)

WAHHHHHHHHHH SOBS OVER HIM SO LOUDLY,,,,,

god it really is. so painful to think about scar in tcd and then just absolutely repressing it :((( he's so good at hiding it that no one really clocks it besides our favorite pesky bird ;-;

scar can make a vague joke about tcd and everyone is caught off guard by it but before they can ask he just switches the topic very smoothly :< and he DEF has some moments where he gets nervous around zombies, yeah <///3 and OUGHHHHH HIM PANICKING ABOUT ZOMBIE BITES,,,,, pov I lay on the ground in a puddle of TEARS. he cares about his family so much and would be so terrified if any of them turned into zombies T^T

in general scar is such a fascinating character, but when you add the tcd story to him as well..... oughhhh I hold him so gently in my haaaaands

[turtleghosting]

FOR THE RAPHSAGI ASKS... 19, 22, 34 (and also all of them fhgdkgh)

OUGHHHH HI AME

19: What do they fight about most often? (Alternative: what was their biggest fight?)

Have you ever seen Ever After? I think often of the moment where they're talking about a fish loving a bird, and she asks, but where will they live? When they're first talking about having a serious relationship (because even though Usagi would be okay with winging it, Raph is NOT), that question comes up early and frequently. I kind of alluded to it in my fic You Are (Not) the Father; how the permanent portal is very important to them because it kind of fixes this issue. But at first they argue about it a lot. That said, their version of "fighting" is just kind of...arguing. Until one of them boils over and just walks away, because they both have anger issues and they're both really really scared of messing this up. Later in life I imagine they're very good at fighting and yelling at each other and laughing at it afterward, but they're very careful at the beginning!!

22. Love languages? How do they get around differences, if any?

hehehe so Raph, as I write him with Usagi, is asexual and gray-romantic. Usagi is allo-everything. Raph's love languages are quality time and closeness, he's quite fond of the parallel play model of "let's sit together and do totally different quiet activities". Usagi loves long, playful makeouts, he loves having his fur petted (only in private) and talking for hours on end. Neither of them are huge on gift-giving/receiving, but both are very responsive to acts of service.

Raph sometimes gets really overwhelmed!!! Sometimes he doesn't want to be touched, and Usagi has to learn that boundary the hard way. And sometimes if Usagi goes too long without getting pets and kissies, he gets very pouty. They communicate a LOT to make up for these differences.

34. How do they cheer the other one up during sad times?

I was just thinking abt this today actually..... Their biggest "sad times" test is when Splinter gets sick and eventually dies. Raph is such a daddy's boy, and he has a very very hard time accepting that he can't save him. Splinter dies more or less of old age and it's very peaceful, surrounded by family, but it GUTS Raph. He reverts back to bad habits he hasn't had since he was a teenager, going out to pick fights and get bloody, spending a lot of time alone. Even Usagi (who is his husband at this point) can't really knock any sense into him. It's a very slow process of "I'm here for you" essentially, and that's how they always do their sad times. Mourning is inevitable, but it doesn't have to be done alone. However, both of them are rash and prone to lashing out when they're in pain...so patience is key.

[moments-divins]

help! i was struck by a deep gut wrenching longing to talk to a friend i haven't spoken to in 6 years, on sort of bad terms. the want chewed thru my heart and i tried to contact them but it's been a day and nothing. am i going to die?

oughhhh pain and suffering im sorry anon

[stabbyfoxandrew]

Absolutely thrilled by subtle bombshell in newest Angel Neil! Is there another angel hanging around? Does someone else have a guardian angel?

Aerie. Is Jean hanging around somewhere looking after Kevin, and also being absolutely appalled with Neil's behavior?

Now I'm having a wide range of misplaced forever partner guardian angel thoughts. Probably not a place where you're actually going, but a fun idea :)

:) let's just say neil has recently met an exy legend okay

ALSO THOUGH oh my goddddddd anon you're making me want to kill jean? holy shit that was NOT the plan but now i'm like... what if it was the plan... omg... lemme just open a new doc called angel jean real fast and-

but seriously... it could happen it. oughhhh (actually i think i may have thought of it but the pain of killing jean off... kicked my ass and i immediately was like NOPE CANT DO IT) anyway... because the idea is now in my head there is likely a kevjean oneshot (who am i kidding it would never be a oneshot it's ME) gonna happen in this verse now. wowza. anon you're killing me. i am having many thoughts. many thoughts

i feel like a crazed idiot (which to be fair i am) anyway i'm gonna go write some notes down because... ahhhh FUCK. FOREVER PARTNERS EVEN IN DEATHHHHHH????

[cryptile]

Holy shit holy shit my back holy shit ough oughhhh uhghhggh turmoil suffering pain its over i thinmk i am dying of back hurt <- just walked like, what, 30 minutes at most

[ochibrochi]

oughhhh your charm designs are ADORABLE I want 1 million of the batfam charms (ESPECIALLY TIM HES SO SQUISHABLE!!)...... however sadly I am british (pain) so I'll have to hope for the limited online sales you mentioned in the replies!! either way... great job I want to eat ur art like fuit gummies 🙏💕

thank you so much!!!!!! I guess you could say the UK is... a little bit far from Australia! I still don't know how VAT works but I'm gonna try my best to make it as globally available as possible (preorders planned to open in June)!

[justmossyall]

Firstly, when you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)!!

oughhhh that’s a little difficult for me these days but let me cook i’ve gotta be a good example of positivity to the people of tumblr

my hair is a pain in the ass but it looks good i like my curls :)

im good at writing (i think)

im kind to everyone

i have a pretty good sense of style i think at the very least im happy with it

i am very good at helping other people

YOUR TURN YOU BETTER REBLOG WITH YOUR 5 ASAP OR IM SPAMMING YOUR ASKS‼️💕🔥🥰😡😊✨

[whumpzone]

linden is too well-adjusted for this but my whumpbrain has been running wild recently (plus linden and colton live in my brain and i rotate them around when thinking abt whump) and i CANT STOP THINKING about col accidentally causing linden emotional distress in terms of like. a panic attack or something similar. solid dependable linden being the one whos freaking out and col having no clue what to do its. oughhhh. i love pain

I am always sooooo flattered when people tell me that they daydream about my OCs like this. theyre being rotated as we speak!!

and this is Very fun and angsty to think about and I wouldn't say it's beyond the realm of possibility either! Linden is v well adjusted but anyone could have a panic attack in the right (or wrong lol) circumstances... and having Col in his house means he's always a bit more stressed out and things are a WHOLE lot more unpredictable

Col not knowing what the fuck he just did or why his Master is shaking and gasping for air :( he's fucked up and he's worried about him! Col cares about Linden so much! but he's gonna be in so much trouble once he calms down!!!