#other stuff to work on �� i burnt myself out on it learning too many things and not having enough fun with it anymore‚ | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

not-poignant · 11 months ago

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You have a very broad readership; do you still, like most ao3 writers, use writing as a way to make friends? If so, how do you manage both to make connections and keep from uncomfortable parasocial engagements?

(admitting: I like your work a lot, I have a similar interest in writing trauma and recovery, I would like to befriend you, but I don't want to bother you bc lots of people want to be friend with writers they like and there's no way you'd have energy for all of them!)

Hi hi anon,

So...this response might be disappointing, but I didn't use fanfiction writing as a way of making friends. That's not why I started, and it's never been the reason for me to be in fandom.

(Thoughts about friendship and stuff under the read more, it's pretty personal so no obligation to read. The TL;DR is I am bad at friendship and I also am not like 'most AO3 writers' (is that really why most AO3 writers write?) in the sense that I never wrote fanfiction as a way to make friends and it's very weird to me sometimes that people actually do this as a motive).

When I turned up in fandom, it was a very private experience for me. I didn't know anyone else locally who shared the same fandom/s I do. When I shared fanfiction on Livejournal, I did so to complete strangers who I never got to know better, or to people who were already friends through other interests.

I've never gone to fandom conventions (there's few here, and I have severe social anxiety. By the time I thought about going I was in my late 30s, and just felt like I'd be too much of an outsider even among fellow outsiders - again, I shared almost no fandoms or ships with anyone I knew locally, and no one I'm friends with / know in person reads my fanfiction). Fandom was always an incredibly isolated experience for me.

When I joined AO3, it wasn't with a view to making friends. I was extremely burnt out, I'd quit my previous job as a professional artist because I couldn't see a way of making the income work out, and I just wanted to write a very angst-filled story that would help me deal with my loneliness which I didn't see as something that would ever change. Writing about a character who's experienced centuries of loneliness was like 'cool, yeah, I'm gonna write about him.'

I did end up making friends, but it was kind of by accident! And not all of those experiences were positive. One person in particular became quite toxic and cruel towards me, and I experienced my first kind of encounter with...I guess what I would call the uglier side of fandom life and also just friendship and relationships. It took me a long time to recover from that experience (and to learn what emotional abuse is), and after that I shut down and stopped kind of making friends on the internet.

I have made friends through the writing since (they're usually the mutuals I also have on Instagram, or here, or people I've DMed in Discord etc.), but I haven't really sought it out actively and I think anyone who knows me well enough that we've private messaged a few times, also knows that I'm quite aloof and reserved, and that I will engage quite deeply sometimes but then disappear for a few months (or years) re: communication, which is a remnant of a period of time where I used to get sometimes 200 Whatsapp messages in 5 minutes from someone who expected me to be accountable to her every second of every day when she was awake and wanted me to be.

On top of like, severe social anxiety + PTSD, and being very reserved in general, I would also say I'm very time poor. I don't have much time for the friends I already have and care about. I often view myself as quite a poor friend, who is not good at starting and even worse at maintaining connections. I'm also very private. As in, I will happily tell the world I have PTSD. But I won't tell my friends in a private conversation when I'm having a bad night, and I don't give friends many opportunities to connect. Even with really close friends, this is an ongoing issue that I'm working on.

So as for befriending, that's extremely sweet of you anon, but who I am in my personal life is sometimes very different to like... the way I can respond in comments or to anons, because it's actually easier for me to talk to strangers sometimes than it is for me to talk to friends, lol. I honestly think some of the people I consider my friends don't even know that I do, because I don't really behave like one. I chat online regularly to one person only, and one other person intermittently (and they're a romantic partner) and that's it. Everyone else I chat to pretty rarely in DM. But I do turn up in the Fae Tales Discord every day.

I don't actually think lots of people want to be my friend, tbh? Not in a 'woe is me' way, but simply because I think some people do grok that kind of... polite distance or that sort of warm 'I care for a lot of people but I am also quite personally walled off' kind of way. The good news is a lot of the folks in the Fae Tales Discord also share a lot of interest in writing trauma and recovery, or have those experiences, and I know a lot of good friends have been made within the like...faedom itself. A lot of neurodivergent, trauma-focused folks have met each other through this writing, and it's really cool seeing the different friendships that have sparked up between people. There's a lot of extremely like... skilled, talented, interesting people that I've met through this job, who I admire, respect and want the best for, and am very happy to talk to.

But yeah I'm a bit difficult to befriend, anon, and that's been an ongoing thing all my life, tbh. But it did specifically get worse in fandom because of some early fandom experiences when I started out in Rise of the Guardians fanfiction.

#asks and answers #personal #pia on fanfiction #tbh the idea of writing to make friends #is very strange and even a bit offputting to me #not that other people do it like i'm happy for them if they do #but it's just so far apart from why i started #i like making connections with my writing don't get me wrong #and i love meeting different people #but fandom was never a very social experience for me #to this day i hate discussing fandom headcanons with other people #and i don't like a lot of fandom meta #i always feel like i'm in fandom #and that i contribute to fandom #but in a very satellite / outsider kind of way #that's why i find it so easy to bounce from fandom to fandom once i'm done with a fic #i'm not saying i don't make friends with people in fandom ever #i'm saying i don't really make friends *in general*#and when i do those people often have no idea they are a friend because i'm not #very connected on a regular basis

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springfieldork · 7 months ago

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Fun Things Are Fun

I wouldn’t say I grew up watching anime. Most of my childhood was spent with shows like Star Wars: The Clone Wars or Avatar: The Last Airbender. Sure, I had seen the occasional clip from shows like Dragon Ball or Pokemon or even more recent works like Attack on Titan, but the idea of ‘anime’ being different from cartoons never really entered my mind until I somehow sat down in 2016 to watch K-ON! Looking back, I have no idea why I decided to watch something so outside of my comfort zone, but I’m happy I did because K-ON! introduced me to anime, and it has made an indelible mark on my life because of it.

K-ON! Focuses on a high-school girl named Yui Hirasawa. She’s an airhead and clumsy and innocent. And at first glance, she and I could not be more different. But as the show moved past her introduction, and I got to see Yui struggling with picking out a club to join, I realized that there might be a little bit more to her than I had thought, and I empathized with her on something very unexpected: the feeling of being aimless and a little bit lost.

I had always struggled with not really knowing what exactly I wanted to do, and questions like ‘What do you want to do when you’re older?’ or ‘Where are you going to go to college?’ were ones I had to deal with on a weekly basis. And I was just smart enough — or maybe pessimistic enough — to realize that I couldn’t be a writer and an astronaut and a trauma surgeon and an aerospace engineer and a marine biologist and an archaeologist and a chef and a diplomat and a… you get the point. But I was also a kid who ‘had a gift’ and was ‘way smarter than the rest,’ so I couldn’t just give up. I ended up grinding away and eventually got burnt out working toward an uncertain future after realizing that not only was I not enjoying life in the present, but I didn’t even have a guarantee of enjoying it later. And I guess I saw a little bit of myself in Yui because a part of me wondered if I could learn anything from this strange and timid girl. So I kept watching.

Yui ends up joining the Light Music club with three other girls; Ritsu, the tomboy genki drummer, Mio, the shy but responsible bassist, and Mugi, the cheery and easily excitable keyboardist — Azusa joins the band a year later as well, but for now, it’s just these four and their club adviser. A common joke you might see regarding this series is that K-ON! is a music anime where they never play music, and there’s certainly a bit of truth to that. Most of the band’s days are spent doing nothing but talking, eating cake, and drinking tea — I mean, the band’s name is literally ‘Ho-kago Tea Time’ — which begs the question, what is this show actually about? And to answer that, I would like to use a quote — one that I really think captures the essence of K-ON!

“Fun things are fun.”

Yes, yes, truly the erudite our protagonist Yui is with such a compelling and insightful take on the nature of things, but it’s true. Fun things really are fun. And I think a lot about this quote even today. All too often, we go through the fun parts of life without really appreciating the simple joy that comes with them. Yui believed in having tea and eating cake and practicing songs with her friends because doing all those things was fun. Having fun was the point. And as I have continued living my own life, I have tried to keep that idea in mind. Obviously, my life did not magically become enjoyable and happy overnight, but I really have found myself appreciating the small things more. I’m still not quite sure what the future holds — and that can be a very scary thing indeed — but I do know that I can always enjoy the fun things now, regardless of what might happen later. So, thank you, K-ON! for reminding me about the love that comes with the small stuff — and for introducing me to an art form that would change my life in so many more ways.

If you’re considering giving this anime a try, I highly recommend it. Because in a world where the good parts of life can pass us by in a blink, it can always be helpful to remind yourself that fun things are fun.

#K-ON!#k on #k on!#kyoto animation #kyoani #anime #anime review

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lilliesforya · 1 year ago

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Fall is for emo music and being proven wrong

Fall weather reminds me of driving around Pittsburgh with my friends listening to music. A college friend of mine has one of the coolest music tastes ever and plays an eccentric mix of Japanese indie music, math rock, alternative indie/ pop punk, and other stuff I can't even give a genre to. We overlap in the ‘fall out boy/ indie alternative’ areas the most. When I listen to music that I got into from them, I feel a deep nostalgia but also the comfort of friendship.

Fall weather reminds me of working in a coffee shop in the middle of town. The smell of espresso stuck to everything. The girls I worked with wore the cutest outfits and taught me so many things I don't even have words for. They played so many different types of music and I enjoyed most, but some songs that played more frequently than others are tinged with memories of broken cash registers, laughter, comradery, and being at the mercy of a small business owner's wrath.

Fall weather reminds me of marching band practice and competitions, stage crew meetings, and driving to school with my brother.

Logically, I experience things as they happen like everyone else. However, I tend to experience emotional things retrospectively. My emotional processing time for things is longer than most peoples so events or experiences I had no opinion on or disliked while they were occurring often actually did impact me positively. I just wasn't super aware. Or I was vaguely aware but it wasn't at the forefront of my brain. Like I hated high school for the most part (as a system) because I was burnt out, lonely, and frustrated with the world. I still consider this an accurate statement. But later, I was able to process it emotionally and found I enjoyed the community aspect of high school activities immensely and it's something hard to come by as an adult. I also just enjoy being in school, having a routine, and learning. I hated working in my hometown too because it felt like I failed at establishing any life for myself after college. While this is true, I was able to later recognize I liked the job (I like preparing coffee), and I loved the community of people I was introduced to. Community is extremely important to human happiness and overall satisfaction with life; I've been struggling with loneliness here so it has been important for me to recognize when I feel friendship or connection in my life. I'm sure I'll have something to say about the community I make for myself here in the future. But for now I just experience without judgment.

Back to music, in my opinion, once you listen to ‘twin size mattress’ or ‘27’ for the first time in fall you have officially entered emo music fall. Once the temperature dips below 60 all of my playlists change and revert back to whatever I listened to from 7th-11th grade. It's not that cold here yet so it must be something else that indicates that its fall for me. Despite the fall being warmer here than what I'm used to (and thank god for that) it is still relatively cool weather. I immediately want to be wearing fingerless gloves, all black, and to be stomping around in my doc martens.

Anyway, I never considered my physical expression to be particularly bold, but living in Japan has definitely made me aware of the differences. I want to have my nails painted black, to retouch the blonde in my hair and extend it, and to wear my nose piercings in public. When I see my appearance at work I feel like a ‘deyassified’ or watered down version of myself. No piercings in. Hair tied back. No pins or jewelry. It's giving amish peasant. Though, let me clarify, I can definitely do those things here but it would further ostracize me. Also, I can’t have dyed hair or painted nails at work as it's a general rule for everyone. I'm sure there are workplaces in the US with similar rules, however I'm used to a more relaxed attitude in that department. Due to this, I tend to wear my mask when shopping in public, especially in my town. This is polite as it is becoming cold and flu season here and everyone for the most part is wearing a mask in public. But I also do it if I have my nose piercings in and I don't want to be especially different looking in public. I'm new and foreign to them everyday but I don’t have the energy for that everyday. People especially stare when they walk or bike by my car when I am driving. I try to be normal about that because I'm aware that it's shocking but oh my god does it make me crazy. There's this guy who bikes by my street in the mornings and two days in a row he turned his head fully to stare at me while I was waiting to pull onto the road. And like dude watch where you're going?? It's giving owl. But also it's rude to stare so long and so clearly!! It is very shocking for me. Where I’m from, it's considered rude to stare at other people for displaying something you consider weird, different, or uncommon.

Unrelated but the kids had to run the marathon this week which is their version of the mile run. I'm not sure how long it actually is by distance. I got to see the marathon at both of my elementary schools this week. Even the first and second years (first and second graders) do it. Also, it was not done separately in gym classes (they don't have gym everyday like we do), it was during the recess period in the morning (between like 10:05/10:35) everyone went outside and ran it at the same time. There are less kids at my schools than in my hometown but it was still surprising to see everyone running together. Some of the teachers ran with them as well. It was very cute.

UPDATE: I learned that the kids are doing marathon practice for a tournament that's going to be held later this month!

#physically im present but emotionally I am playing genshin impact #I actually think Im just isolated #not lonely #theres a difference

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nyaitsu-writes · 2 years ago

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✧ a little psa for those wondering!

i did private this blog back in february because i haven't been feeling my best, about myself nor my writing. there has been a lot of not so good stuff in my personal life i would rather not talk about and it ended up weighing me down to the point writing started feeling like a chore, extra work i had to do because that's the point of a writing blog. and i didn't really have the mindset for that

{ more info under the cut }

a lot of creators have mentioned this before, i've mentioned this before and i'm sure everyone is done with listening the same talk over and over again but the lack of interactions played a big factor in this decision too. it's really, really hard to put so many hours into a piece only to get a handful of likes at most. and this is coming from a blog that's older than a year, i can only assume how it feels like for any younger blogs!

at the end of the day i made this blog to share my personal brainrots about the enstars cast and i feel like i lost that purpose somewhere along the way. i started feeling more like a "content creator" than i felt a writer, feeling like i had to push a certain amount of works even when i was stuck. i also have the awful habit of comparing my works to other writers and, as many good things as i get from learning about how different people write different things, i can't shake this feeling of inferiority. my vocabulary is lacking, my descriptions are poor. and i don't feel too proud of my characterization either

somehow, i might have taken this blog as some sort of public service where i need to satisfy everyone's needs even when that means writing things i'm not interested in or characters i'm not really that fond of. i always push myself to fullfil rqs but i guess it ended up backfiring

i have a handful of wips, wips i really really want to write about (i tried doing an analysis. it had some interesting conclusions!) but i haven't found the courage to post because "who would read that" has been a permanent thought for a while. i enjoy writing aus. i like writing silly little fics or hcs that don't make that much sense but i enjoy working on! but then i think of the general public and think "well, i'm sure i can make something better. something more people other than me can enjoy"

i might have to reconsider how i do some things around this blog to make sure i don't get burnt out again nor i deliver something that isn't up to my own standards. for the moment i think leaving the blog public might be the best choice in hopes that any of my old (and cringy) writing can help someone out while they're feeling down

i will take a few days to make sure everything is organized again + i'll probably clean my askbox and change the rules to make sure this is a nice experience for both everyone reading and me. ideally i would like to revamp the visuals in the blog and come up with a cute layout but graphic design is (not) my passion and that's one of the parts i struggle with the most in blog management

so yeah, sorry for the radio silence i'll do better next time 🙏

—ᓚᘏᗢ

#nyaitsu talks #ensemble stars #enstars #there are more things i wanted to say but #i made this long enough didn't i?#aaaaa i always talk wayy too much

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saijspellhart · 2 years ago

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okay I hope I don't sound rude and annoying, but if I ask you, "hey it seems like you haven't updated in awhile, and I was wondering of you were doing okay?" Are you alright with that? I just don't want to seem pushy in a sense and be all "update pls update update update" ya know

Love your fics and art, they are amazing! You've really inspired me to be a better artist and writer. Hope you have a great day/night

Hi hi! It’s alright to check in and see how I’m doing. I don’t mind that at all.

So my lack of updates has mostly been due to creative burnout. I took on a lot of commissions last year (a lot for me) and it really burnt me out as far as drawing goes and creating in general. So I ended up taking a hiatus from everything, and just chilling.

Which was a fortunate move because the last six months have been wild for me in terms of real life stuff. Like so many major issues keep sprouting up in my real life, and draining all my desire to create. To distract myself from real life probs and stresses I’ve been playing a lot of Pokémon, (I love the 3DS Pokémon games.) and watching a lot of movies.

In the interest of not bogging everyone down with my life woes I’m not gonna go into detail. Just, shit keeps happening and I’m weathering every blow of that storm. So instead I’ll tell you about some happy-ish things.

On a happy note, my little bro is coming to live with me. (Which preparations are a little stressful, but are also so exciting) I haven’t had consistent or reliable contact with my little bros in years, so this will be an amazing chance to get to know one of them. So excited.

My husband, Zack, has been a force of unending support and love and just… everything. No matter what has been thrown at us he’s been right there beside me finding solutions and working through it. Probably the best partner I could have ever asked for. And a big fucking sweetheart.

I might get promoted at work? Which I guess is nice, but also I don’t feel like I’m ready for it yet. So I’m scared. Work makes me feel dumb. Because learning insurance is hard, and I’ve never had an office job, and I learn from doing things myself and repetition. But also my memory is on par with a sea slug. I dunno. I both love and feel I intimidated by my job, and feel hella intimidated by the prospect of a promotion. I’ll have to learn so many new and complicated things. Lots more moments of feeling stupid in my horizon.

So yeah, just… a lot. I suppose the best answer is I’m not doing great?? But I’m also not in a major pickle. Nothing I cannot handle. I suppose the easiest thing to say is I’m weathering a life storm and simultaneously healing my creativity.

Thanks for the ask. And I hope my answer wasn’t too exhausting and wordy.

PS: I’m so honored to have been an inspiration to you! It means the world that my works can inspire others. Thank you so so much. ❤️

#ask answers #SaijSpellhart answers

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elllowe-daz · 22 days ago

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Reminder to explain identity

Hi! I'm Daz!

NAME-

Both of my names are derived from my users.

1eleanorlowe/Elllowe- Elliot, Ell, Elly.

Dastard27- Daz, Ezzy.

I use Dastard27 for newer stuff, but this is my main blog!

GENDER-

I'm a trans guy. I go by it/he/any!

BLOGS-

I seperate blogs by my interests and the stuff i like. Dastard27 is my main, minnesota is for interacting with people, other ones should be self explanatory.

OCS-

I have SO MANY OCS(almost 200 that have finished stories teehee) THAT ITS AN ISSUE!! I'm the guy behind Whamst, helping with my friend's shows, i make stuff for friends, yada yada. If you wanna know about any of them i'll make a list!

HIATUSES-

I take breaks when I'm feeling burnt out. I'm currently taking a moment away from social studd just to talk with my closest friends, which is why you'll see lots of interactions with cleonardo320 and aguasentry.

MEDIAS-

I create works in many medias!

Oil paint- currently only 2 works

Acrylic- 5 finished paintings, iirc

Watercolour- numerous cards, small scenes and gifts

Alcohol Markers- same as watercolour

Pen and Paper- the vast majority of my art!

Music- currently i have 3 albums written, but I'm prioritizing the whamst soundtrack!

Writing- I've made 2 books but am too young to publish them. If you want long term content with my words check out moongal on ao3.

CSP/digital- I got a 2 year license as a gift. Quite a few pieces.

Animation- i do storyboards, animations, etc. not many are finished, and i mostly do these for vents or whamst stuff.

Voice Acting- i am a voice actor! I have put years of work into my voice acting. Please. Please. Please. Plea

Sewing- I've made a few skirts, gloves, shirts and dolls for myself! I'm currently learning how to make dresses<3

Cooking/Baking- this is something i do on the daily. Food is food.

DISABILITY-

I've got a few issues going on, mental healthwise it's some recurrent MDD, ADHD and GAD, but I'm working on getting diagnoses for my intrusive thoughts and lack of empathy.

Physically I'm not too messed up, but I've been stabbed a few times and my legs don't bend in very human ways.

OTHER RECOMMENDATIONS-

Check out cleonardo320 for beautiful art, my friend aguasentry too :3 i share quite a few universes with those 2 and love them deeply/platonic

#intro ig

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hometownhorrors · 6 months ago

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Someday I am going to look back on this post and mark it as a pretty major accomplishment. Let's see, disclosures up front. I have a lot of trauma, I often can't talk about stuff that has happened, especially if I feel I am "taking up space". It's like the dialogue options are grayed out.

It happened in childhood, got worse during a long bad relationship. I couldn't even explain my needs or wants, leading to just - not. I slaved away for other people, did nothing for myself, and burnt out on self neglect. There's a lot more to this, and I'll put it down on paper and share it as I go, but the important part for this project, is that I keep carrying it through.

I'm going to start creating art and work under my own identity today, instead of always using others to present it to the world. No more ghost writing, no more distancing my queer, trans, intersex, masc identity from my work, because more visible queer people is good.

I've tagged this with a few project names, and I am just gonna hold myself to weekly progress on all these little things I never worked on.. Including Hometown, which the blog was named after - a podcast about my old haunted home, which every queer person has.

I don't care if I get ANY listeners or viewers or attention at this point, I am unlikely to read TOO many comments, to avoid psyching myself out.

I'm autistic, I've got ADHD, I live knowing my expression difficulties may be more difficult than I think, as I go on through this-

But it was Chuck Tingle who made me think about it, his bag - well, this is my version of a bag, and a ski mask.

I had a tumblr, and it was associated with my OTHER WORK, which I do find *somewhat* dysphoric, to present very feminine and to do highly gendered creative work where there's constant reminders, kinda wasn't super healthy.

Burnt out, broke down, survived, and now I am going to get a youtube, and a twitch, and stream video games, and make silly video essays, and talk about being queer, and hunted, and from the worst place, and the darkest one too.

I am posting this, literally from hiding from my own family. Fortunately the people hunting me know nothing about me.

And they are hunting a girl. :P

ETA: And what I've learned from being allowed to exist as myself at last on the internet - at last - is that there are a lot more people who have been through things similar to me, than I thought. And I'd love if someone else thought that as I write some essays on hinterland capitalism, exploited populations (like the one I come from), and unhappiness within families. I'll try to warn for things, and I guess it's time to get some banners - and art- and colors. I am a BIT scared of being recognized, but I'm working on how - like, I don't owe anyone an extensive disclosure of all my creative work.

Hard to reinforce that.

#cw: trauma #cw: abuse #a new start #NightmAreSMR #Distant Patrons #queer stuff #Die Tired #The Ork Hive #The Somnolent Algorithm

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latetotheadhdparty · 2 years ago

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Aw shit. Hello void.

Well. fuck where do I even begin. Maybe a blog will help me actually work through all of the feelings and issues I’m having, and if I don’t ever remember to update again, who cares? Certainly no one on this crazy ass website.

Where am I at right now? physically, at home, avoiding something I feel I should do but don’t really want to do. I mean, part of it is the ADHD and maybe there’s some Autism mixed in there too. I dunno. anyway. I should be going to do a thing that I used to enjoy, but then expectations are put on it and all of a sudden, it’s no fun anymore. One of my cats keeps trying to interrupt my train of thought by playing with the power cord and biting the corner of the laptop screen. He’s the himbo of the family, and very soft. Back to the internal monologue. I want to enjoy things, but my sense of time is so fucked up it just. doesn’t work for most people. I never feel my age and can’t remember my age because outside of the physical breakdown, I legit don’t feel it. Timeless is usually said as a positive connotation, but that’s not my feeling on it. Maybe I’m lost in time? Dr. Russell says that you knock 30% off your actual age, and that is about where you are developmentally. That doesn’t really feel right either. In emotional maturity, I’m definitely my age. Impulse control, not so much. not quite “eat the marshmallow as soon as the researcher leaves the room” but I did buy the new Lore Olympus print book right away even though I really need to stop spending money. I guess some of this developed into where I’m at mentally, and I really intended that to be a separate paragraph.

Here we go. Mentally, I’m at what feels like an eternal falling, kinda like Alice on her way to Wonderland. No wonder I relate to that stuff so much. I have a high stress job that I’m both phenomenal and awful at. Easiest way to explain it is financial crimes investigation. So I’m really good at recognizing financial patterns that indicate someone is on some bullshit, but time is a struggle. Investigating the right amount of time to get the right amount of info and not too much or too little. (I’ve often thought of my ADHD struggles as trying to find balance, not treat symptoms to oblivion) Remembering the number of days that have passed since I decided something was bullshit is always a struggle. I try so so hard to remember what time is. I have a clock that ticks but it’s not loud enough and doesn’t have an hourly chime. I have a smart watch that yells at me on the hour, but so often it just doesn’t register. I have a planner that I do actually manage to keep up with, and i’m so proud of that, but I can’t figure out where that “something missing” out of it is. I’m just. Falling, all the time, out of time. Fuck time. I’m so mad about society’s obsession with getting everything done now and everything being done within a certain amount of time, when there’s often no good reason for it other than “oh someone might get upset”. Fuck them, let them be upset.

I’ve always known that to be happy, you must experience sadness, anger, upset, etc. Otherwise how the hell would you know what it actually means to be happy?

I’m watching myself type in the reflection of my laptop screen. Sometimes I really love parts of me. Like my hands. I wish I could do more with my hands.

My therapist reminds me that it’s not too late to do so many things, but how do i find the time to dedicate to learning them? I’m definitely part of the burnt-out-gifted-kid group that was actually a sufferer of ADHD the whole time. It’s been so frustrating. I spent years convinced it was ADHD, and now that I have a diagnosis, of course I wonder... Is it REALLY adhd, or am i just a terrible person? Bad at adulting. Ugly, too much personality and not enough shut the fuck up. or is that RSD? Fuck, I just want to know who I am. That was a surprise with diagnosis. Nothing like having an identity crisis around the time most people have a midlife crisis. maybe the midlife crisis for normal people is a midlife crisis. I never thought i’d have to deal with any of this. No one asked me in school what i wanted to be when I grew up. When i changed high schools, I no longer got asked about college plans. I got ignored. That hurt. It still hurts, and I made it through college. took twice as long and at a later age, but whatever I guess. I see now what Dr. Russell means. I’m so tired of feeling so hurt about my life. It’s not even about comparing what my life has been to what other’s lives are like. It’s about the feeling of lost potential. I know that’s going to be with me forever. Anger at not being listened too as a kid. Misdiagnosis for forever. a medical system that doesn’t care about actually solving problems. “We have to start with conservative treatment first” okay, but that’s not going to FIX the problem. “I know, but that’s what insurance requires” Why are a bunch of not-doctors making medical decisions for me. Fuck them. fuck this country full of selfish assholes. Whose idea was it to make anything related to health care a for profit venture anyway. Fuckers are fucked in the head.

Speaking of anger, I need to stay off reddit. AITA posts about asshole dads really hit home. Therapist told me I should write my dad a letter, but how do you even... that feels so weird. I guess I’ll just tack it on here. Dear Dad, fuck you for replacing me. Fuck you for taking any credit for any of my success when you’re not only the reason I have ADHD, but also the reason I struggled so much throughout life. Take your six figure income and shove it up your ass. You didn’t help me with a god damned thing throughout my life that actually mattered. You never came to my school graduations, you don’t even send me a fucking text message on my birthday asshole. I don’t care if it’s late, because oh lookit that, we have ADHD, time is an issue for us! You just never made an attempt to care, especially after you remarried and got the family you always wanted. the family you just expected me to perfectly mesh into, and made absolutely no effort to understand why I stopped coming to visit. Maybe it was because you kept moving further and further away. Maybe it’s because you never even asked how I felt about some things, like when you gave my room away because you guys wanted a den and a living room, and to do that you had to move the eldest interloper into my room. I would have said yes if you asked. It hurt because you didn’t ask. You didn’t help me with my cars when shit went wrong, except for one single occasion where you used your employee discount on a windshield and we swapped vehicles for a week. Great deal there, I went from a subcompact to a suburban. I could literally put my car in the back of that stupid monstrosity (also, don’t think I didn’t notice that as soon as y’alls were down to one kid on her way out the door, you replaced that Chevy with a Lincoln). When I got braces, you never called to ask how it was going, and didn’t pay for a dime (even though you should have, and i should have gotten braces as a teenager). Your reasoning is you weren’t going to pay for any of us kids to get braces because you couldn’t afford to do it for all of us and it wouldn’t be fair. The truth is you just didn’t want to spend your precious money on anyone but yourself. The camper, the motorcycles, the fancy vehicles, I know how much that costs, and I know you did it at the cost of literal health care for your children. Fuck you, no wonder gramma and grampa are ashamed of you. They helped every time you didn’t. They gave you opportunities to help, and to no surprise, you didn’t. The interloper that took my room always felt slighted by me being the favorite grandkid, and how dare i get so much from them. Bitch you stole my fucking dad. So yeah, Dear dad, I should call you a sperm donor instead. Because that’s all you seem to be. You didn’t help me with anything, you never offered to help me fix my house, or a car. For god sakes, I talked about restoring one of the motorcycles and that you should come help me BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO OFFER A WAY FOR US TO BOND, not get told “well youtube has so much”. Jesus, my father in law picked up on it right away and is super excited for me to get the little motorcycle for us to spend some quality time together. My father in law is the dad i never got. Hell your brother is leaps and bounds better as a father than you ever were. God fucking damnit. Fuck you for all the hurt you’ve caused me, as well as gramma and grampa. I get they weren’t perfect parents either, but they sure as fuck didn’t deserve to feel so guilty because of your fuckups. The interlopers wanna know why I was the favorite? Guilt. Guilt is why. How’s that for a reason. While we’re piling on the guilt, how about the trauma of being named after someone who killed themselves? Thanks for that sperm donor. No wonder I hate generational names so much. My name was derived from someone who had the misfortune of having the same brain I do but before a time when men were allowed to go to therapy. Thanks for that reminder every time I think about my name, which is so out of pattern for my generation. I’m glad uncle is getting the farm and by default, everything on it. Mostly because fuck you, he deserves is. He actually tries to be a good family member. I’m glad you feel at least enough guilt you don’t want any of their money, and once they pass and I get the one thing you have I want, I’m never reaching out again. I’m so sick of being hurt by you. I’ll rewrite this letter and give it to you as a parting middle finger. You want to ever make it up to me, you reach out. Offer your time, offer to have me and hubs over for dinner, becuase that’s what i really fucking wanted all along. You were apparently too self centered to ever notice that. I know you think i’m a fucking gold digger child. joke’s on you, i’m the breadwinner and proud to be. When I have extra money, I do nice things for people just to see them smile, especially people I care about, because fuck you. I’m not you and will never be as selfish as you are. Mom talks a lot about how badly you wanted kids, to the point where I wasn’t really an accident. You have a funny way of showing it asshole.

Fuck him.

Okay, I see why my therapist recommended the letter. It’s not that I feel better, but it does feel lighter. My gramma saved my report cards, and the comments on it really drove home that the problem’s always been adhd. What’s more likely, an 8 year old with severe depression or an 8 year old with adhd and trauma. I could have been an architect. or an actuary. or an engineer. maybe i still could someday, but it’s going to take money i don’t have, since all businesses want college educated people without paying for their degree cost. Being smart with adhd sucks. I want to learn everything and do everything, but everything costs a ton of money and i can’t make my brain focus on something long enough to learn it without some kind of pressure. so all the lovely self guided courses? great, except I have no pressure to do them. FOMO eat your heart out, my ADHD whatifs blow you out of the park. If this does manage to show up for anyone, I’m not really looking for advice. If you happen to know some rich fuck looking for a pet creative, I’d love to just learn and create all day, but not at the cost of losing my house, partner, and pets. My house is my sanctuary, my partner is my rock, and my pets are my anti-depressants. My life has been filled with hurt and struggle and i’m so fucking tired all the time, but the good in my life i will absolutely hang on to.

I’m so exhausted.

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snickerdoodlesandsausages · 8 months ago

Text

You are not dumb and have probably tried many things, but here’s what has helped me:

I absolutely cannot do intermittent goof-off rewards. I’m either in Work Mode or I’m not, and I can’t let myself out of Work Mode before I’m done or it’s over.

I often find it easier to get started if I have to accomplish a certain amount of Task before I have to leave to go do a fun thing that I will be sad if I have to cancel. It works best if it’s that day, but a day or two out can still work ok if the thing is exciting enough.

The fun thing can be seeing a friend or playing a video game or watching an extra episode or three of a show before bed, the important thing is that there is a limited period of time I have to accomplish the work and the promise of free time/friend time as the prize. If you have control over deadlines, try to give yourself ~half as much work as you think you COULD accomplish if you were Properly Dedicated, as it will decrease the chances of panic and despair and increase the chances of Extra Free Time, which is a) wonderful and b) will allow you to recover from adrenaline-fueled hard stuff, which takes a lot out of you.

I think there are 2 reasons this works for me:

1) race -> adrenaline for me, which is the only thing other than dopamine that will get me to do stuff, and

2) the thought of Infinite Work immediately makes my brain rebel. I need rest and playtime and if I don’t schedule enough of it every week and hold it as sacrosanct as any work obligation, I will take that time when I’m not supposed to have it. It’s ok to have goals, but “a year’s worth of work in a month by hyperfocusing for 8 hours a day” is not realistic and is a great way to get burnt out and injured if you somehow do it, and is a pointlessly discouraging way to think about yourself and your work if you don’t. Buying myself time to goof off with maximum delight and intention is much more motivating.

Another thing that helps is if I go to another place to work where I only have my work stuff, so that I can’t immediately act on thoughts of “I should really do my laundry” or “do I have enough milk in the fridge” or whatever, and I have to work around whatever I forgot to bring. Forgot my charger? Guess I have to get this done before my battery dies. Don’t like this song? I’m not in charge of the playlist anyway.

A third thing that helped when I had to do Infinite Notes for a history class was timing how long it took me to read and summarize each paragraph and work to get my times down. I started at 5 minutes, then worked my way down to 4 then 3 then sometimes I could do it in 2, WITHOUT doing it any worse; I learned how to pick out and write down what I actually needed to know much faster.

If there’s an equivalent “task that takes 5 minutes or less that you have to do a bunch of times” for any of the steps of Draw Comic (plan poses for one panel? Line art of one object? Flat colors on one object? Idk but you probably do) you might give it a shot. Don’t relax your standards, but I guarantee there is a bite small enough that you can do it right in that amount of time. You’re not here to churn out mediocre garbage, you’re here to achieve excellence efficiently. When you’re done, take 30 seconds for a deep breath, food/water, fix your posture/stretch, then dive right into the next one and try to do it faster and better so that your momentum doesn’t die.

Racing is a really tiring way to work, so don’t heap too much on yourself. Don’t do more than you need to meet your deadlines, and don’t work ahead without plans for your time off.

Does anybody know any faster ways to get yourself into Work Mode? The way I try to slowly build up momentum by allowing myself to just do nothing uninterrupted until the urge to get work done comes naturally doesn't work because my Doing Nothing can and will get interrupted, so it's like trying to build a card house while locked in an elevator with five ferrets who hate it in the elevator and want to get out but don't understand that you have to build the card house in order to open the door, so they keep knocking it over because they're bored and anxious and keep stopping you from doing what you all want to get done.

#sorry this is long #ymmv #this is just what helps me #it isn’t easy and I do still get distracted sometimes #but it takes me from not doing enough to doing enough #I cannot stress enough how much pomodoro Does Not Work for me lmao #I need my freight train to Stay Rolling #I just find that a race with a prize at the end helps get it going

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erodasfishtacos · 4 years ago

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could u please do like a harry x youtuber/influencer!reader and like lots of fluff🥺

Hi bubbie! Here you go :)))

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: Language

Harry was panicking. His mum and sister were going to be here in less than two hours and he’s burnt the eggplant parmigiana he had worked tediously on.

He grabbed what he had left in his fridge - ground beef, shredded cheddar cheese, and a little bit of bacon.

It was the type of foods he usually strayed away from so sometimes when his shopper would bring this stuff home - he’d avoid it and admittedly sometimes it would go bad sitting in the fridge.

The singer pulls up YouTube onto his phone - hoping something would come up when he typed in the ingredients on the search bar.

He clicks on the first video by cookingwithnofucks. A chuckle at the name as an advertisement plays.

A cute, bubbly girl appears on screen in a beautiful modern kitchen. She has a shirt on that says ‘fuck the patriarchy and eat pizza’. A high ponytail and minimal makeup.

“Okay - today we’re making a cheeseburger casserole,” the girl chirps, “It’s a heart attack in a dish but it’s so fucking good.”

Harry finds himself smiling as he crinkles his nose - it sounds absolutely disgusting but he’s intrigued more by the girl on the screen.

“Shit, I forgot to introduce myself. Hiii, if you’re new - I’m Y/N and I do cooking shit. Subscribe to my channel and all that jazz,” she titters while cutting open her beef package.

Harry follows along step-by-step, shaking his head as she doesn’t describe the instructions nearly well enough and is generally all over the place.

It’s a fucking cooking channel and at one point the meat starts burning. She just laughs and says, “s’just a little crispy!”

The casserole turns out looking even better than Y/N’s to be honest. It’s done in just the right amount of time for him to shower before his family arrives.

He makes sure to subscribe to her channel - eyebrows raising when he sees that she has 16 million subscribers.

Harry wanted to spend longer, looking at her social media but there was a fixed time so he locked his phone and went to get ready.

Anne - always the sweetheart just tells Harry that the casserole is delicious even as a bit of grease runs down her fork from the fatty meats.

Gemma wasn’t as kind, grimacing at the casserole and remarking, “You truly are turning into an American, huh?”

Laying in bed that night, Harry swipes back onto YouTube. Going back to the page he just subscribed to - under a pseudonym. He clicks on another video.

“Uh, okay. So I’m cooking...fuck, it’s called unicorn bark. It looks like a magical animal puke but it looks delicious so we’re going to try it.”

Harry realizes he’s been watching this girl cook for nearly an hour. Different videos from desserts to dinners.

She curses like a sailor, fucks up almost every recipe, and makes a mess everywhere. But she’s smiling and talkative which makes him quite memorized by her.

“I hate editing,” Y/N groans, letting her head fall dramatically against the desktop. Her best friend and dog looked at her oddly.

“I keep saying you need to hire someone, you stubborn bitch,” Laney retorts, clicking through her Instagram feed.

“Fuck off,” she tells her friend with no real heat. The video was almost fully edited - how to make spicy as fuck jalapeño poppers.

There is a calm silence for a while until Laney gasps, “Holy shit.”

“What is it?” Y/N asks, not really caring as she clicks her mouse to trim a segment.

“Harry fucking Styles just followed you on Instagram and Twitter!” Laney shouts, her dog - Rufus popping his head up in confusion.

Y/N looks at her friend to see if she’s really serious and sees no signs of deception. “Oh my god,” Y/N replies. She loved Harry Styles in One Direction and as a solo artist - a fangirl if you will.

Y/N was a well-known influencer and has run in the circles of many celebrities. She’s even met Liam Payne but she’s never been able to bump into Harry.

Her alerts tell her it to be true, she swallows as she looks back up at Laney, “He dm’ed me.”

“Open it! What did he say?” She squeals, squeezing herself on the chair next to her, peering over her shoulder at the phone.

Y/N is a bit nervous, trying not to have a mini aneurysm as she opens the message thread.

HarryStyles: Hello. Just wanted to let you know that your cheeseburger casserole recipe saved my ass last night. Cheers x

“He’s totally coming onto you,” Her friend states instantly, bouncing excitedly - she also had a bit of a crush on the singer.

It takes the two of them a minute to cool their shit before Y/N manages a reply.

Y/N/LN: Well I guess it’s only fair. Your songs have made a few of my nights much better. I’m a bit of a slut for Fine Line.

Harry laughs behind his screen at the cheeky reply he gets back. He’s usually never this forward - especially on social media where he likes to fly under the radar.

HarryStyles: Well if you fancy my music that much, I totally love for you to come to a show. I’m performing in New York City in two weeks.

“This has to be a joke, right?” Y/N sputters to her friend, eyes wide at the invite to a concert she already had tickets to.

Y/N/LN: I’m not going to lie, I already have tickets to the show. However, I don’t have any backstage passes to meet the man of the hour. Do you know someone who can hook me up?

It does wonders for Harry’s narcissism to know that she already had tickets for his concert. Was he really going to do this? He hasn’t met up with some like this since his One Direction days.

He had to remind himself - she may just be friendly and take this as a totally casual interaction. Which would be normal, Harry really shouldn’t be so infatuated with someone he’s watched cook on social media.

HarryStyles: I think I can arrange that. Shoot me your number? I’ll have them sent digitally to you with instructions on how to get backstage.

Y/N is a bit dumbfounded at how fast they agreed to meet up. A harmless backstage tour - he could just be a fan of hers and totally not interested, right?

Over the next few weeks, they never really stop texting. Harry sends her pictures of the recipes he copies off her channel - that usually always look better than the original. He sends her clips of him goofing around during tour rehearsal. FaceTimes her when he’s finally home for the night.

She sends him videos of her watching Harry Styles Best Moment Part Five. A few photos she snaps throughout the city of him on billboards and buildings, in Times Square. YN facetimes him when she’s frustrated with filming or watched a sad movie.

It didn’t make sense to either of them how seamlessly they’d clicked - especially without meeting. They were a perfect balance for each other. Harry - laidback, organized, level-headed. Y/N - eccentric, all over the place, adventurous.

Jeff had told him that he’s been gaining media attention from his social media interactions with Y/N. They like each other’s photos, begin following each other’s friends, and comment goofy things on their posts.

“Listen, I have a great idea,” Y/N begins - which Harry learned is never good. “You should film a video with me sometime.”

Y/N knew she was going out on a limb and instantly regretted the questions she’d been building the courage to ask for days when it’s quiet on his end. There’s static for a moment and Y/N needs to fill the silence.

“It was - I was just, uh, I know you’re probably too busy. I was -“ She stutters, embarrassment flooding her.

Harry cuts her off, “I’d love to.”

“Yo-you would?” She asks timidly. Was she really going to have Harry Styles in her apartment? If so, should she take down her poster?

He laughs sweetly, “Why do you sound so surprised? I can’t wait to come to New York, love.”

Y/N giggles, “Not the fact that you’re performing in front of a sold out crowd at MSG? I don’t think seeing me will top that.”

“I’ve been looking forward to meetin’ you in person since I came across your channel. You so lovely,” Harry replies, his voice a little softer but more serious.

“I’m nervous,” Y/N admits, picking at a thread in her jeans.

“Me too,” Harry murmurs, despite not wanting to admit it - he wanted her to know this was new territory for both of them. He didn’t want her to think that this was something that he did often. But a little too prideful to admit it’s the first time he’s ever done something quite like this.

“What if you don’t like me?” Y/N whispers, she...well she didn’t compare to the models he’s been seen with before. She’s regretfully fell into the rabbit hole of looking up his past flings and relationships.

Harry barks out a disbelieving laugh, “You can’t be serious, darling. I’ve been gone for you since I saw you burn that ground beef.”

Harry was having a bad day - scratch that. An awful one. He tried to go get coffee at eight in the morning and got bombarded by fans, he left the shop without even ordering. They followed him back to his car and it took him fifteen minutes to pull out.

His favorite Mickey Mouse Gucci suitcase he was bringing along on tour had busted. The zipper unraveling and the trim falling off as a result. It was a one-of-a-kind.

Then he’d been stuck on a Skype meeting about tour merchandise with a group of business partners for the last three hours - all he wanted was a fucking nap.

When Y/N’s contact vibrated across his screen, he’s itching to answer but declines as he needs to give these people his attention.

When she calls again, Harry feels a prickle of annoyance. It’s not even at her - to be quite honest. It’s just the shitty day and everything’s piling up.

He always got like this before he kicked off a tour - stress level maxed out and his ability to handle minor incidents nearly shot.

I’m busy

Okay! Sorry, just have a super exciting surprise for you, bub!

I really do not feeling like talking. I’d rather be left alone.

Oh, alright. Hope everything’s okay! Do you still want to facetime later?

Harry leaves her on read because he doesn’t want to slip up and take out his frustration on her. He’d been known to do that and he didn’t want her to think he was anything but besotted with her.

Y/N feels a little hesitant as she begins the uploading process to her channel. The red loading bar told her it’d be twenty-minutes before it’s going to be posted to her 16 million subscribers - one of them being Harry himself.

Twenty-minutes for her to back out and cancel the upload. She starts having doubts about it when Harry never replies to her text which is unlike him.

She takes Rufus out to avoid staring at the loading screen with unnecessary anxiety and uneasiness.

Harry is just getting home from a business dinner with the touring company’s management team. The tension and anxiety from today piling up on his shoulders and he just wants to call Y/N and crash in bed.

He tosses his keys in the little bowl in the entry and kicks off his dingy white vans to the side. His phone dings with an alert from Gemma.

You two are the literal cutest ever. It’s quite gross.

Harry slides onto a stool in his kitchen, confused by the text message before she’s sending the link to him.

Fine Line Inspired Cupcakes!

Harry isn’t quite sure why his heart starts pounding furiously in his chest. A sinking feeling in his stomach when he realizes that this was probably the surprise she was excited about.

He clicks on the thumbnail.

“Hiiii, it’s Y/N. Okay, well today we are going to bake some Fine Line inspired cupcakes. And if you haven’t listened to the album - get your ass out from rock you’re living under and stream it on Spotify!”

She has her hair down in long, waves and a loose cropped shirt that says TPWK in rainbow embroidery.

Harrys mouth is dry and he can’t take his fucking eyes away from the screen.

“Soo, I was thinking the first batch would be cherry flavored? ‘Cause he has a song titled ‘Cherry’. Let’s start there. First - I need to find my measuring cups.”

In true Y/N fashion, she scours her kitchen - cussing and yanking stuff out of her neatly organized cabinets before huffing and storming off to the side.

She comes back into view, a little frazzled but smiling when she holds up the ring of plastic measuring spoons, visible bite marks notched into the material.

“My asshole of a dog had a little snack,” Y/N shows the camera before shrugging, “Let’s get this shit started. Okay, you’re going to need one cup of sugar - no wait, two? I can’t read my fucking handwriting.”

Harry’s absolutely enamored by this scatter-brained, giggly girl who manages to produce cute blue and pink cupcakes that very vaguely resembled his album cover. His heart felt a million times too big for his chest.

He was enraptured for the entirety of the thirty minute video without taking his eyes away once.

To be honest, he hadn’t felt this way since his last relationship which was over a year ago at this point.

It’s not even a thought as he’s requesting a FaceTime with Y/N.

She answers after a few rings. She has a green face mask painted on her nose, chin, and forehead with gold eye masks under each eye. She is so fucking ridiculous it’s not even funny.

What is even more ridiculous is how gone Harry is realizing he is for her. She was quirky, unfiltered, carefree. If he was honest - he hadn’t met a girl like that in a very long time - especially a well-known influencer.

“Hi! How was your day, grumpy?” Y/N asks brightly, making a goofy face as the mask begins to tighten and crack on her skin. Not holding the earlier conversation against him and deciding to just move forward. She understood how stressful it can be.

“M’sorry. I was a bit grumpy,” He admits, “I loved your new video, darling. Did you make those just f’me?”

He can tell she’d be blushing if her face wasn’t covered, a bit bashful as she mutters, “You already know I did it for you.”

“You’re too sweet to me, only six days until we meet,” Harry replies, voice taking on a slow, lazy drawl.

“Six days,” Y/N repeats, eyes crinkling as she smiles with excitement.

“Is this outfit too much?” Y/N panics. Even though there’s literally nothing she can do about it - they’re already walking towards the backstage entrance of the massive arena. It’s still about two hours until the show starts but Harry requested her to come earlier.

Laney sighs, “For the millionth time, you look fucking sexy and Harry’s going to want to rail you right when he sees you.”

Y/N shoves her lightly with a faux annoyance as they meet up with a burly man who’s blocking the entrance to the backstage hallway and rooms.

She gives him their names and pulls up the passes on her phone before he’s nodding with any expression and letting them pass.

They’re not quite sure where to go from here so they begin to wander down the long hallway toward what looks to be the main area that people are milling about.

Y/N is nearly on the ground when someone rounds the corner without looking and walks right into her. Both of them let out huffs of air as they collide and attempt to stabilize themselves.

But there are large hands grasping her arms and holding her steady. In typical Y/N fashion she’s already cursing, “fuckin like a brick wall, look out next time.”

Then she’s looking up to Harry staring back down at her with an amused expression. He doesn’t let go of her and instead tugs her against his bare chest. He’s warm and a bit sweaty - like he’d just worked out. He was only in a pair of thin, running shorts, nike tennis shoes, and a little clip holding his hair off of his face.

Y/N can’t help but wrap her arms around his waist, returning the embrace and amazed by how right it feels to be in his arms. Her face tucks right against his collarbone and it’s like they’d known each other for years.

Pictures and videos don’t do this man justice. He’s gorgeous - sharp edges and dark inked skin. Tall and muscular but dimples that are carved in his cheeks.

“Nice to meet you, m’Harry,” Harry rumbles, removing one hand from Y/N’s shoulder to reach out his hand to her friend.

Laney shakes his hand before asking, “Laney. I’ll leave you two lovebirds be. Where’s the food?”

Harry chuckles against Y/N’s wavy hair, “Down the hall to the left.”

Laney’s trailing off without another glance, she was very food motivated despite her skinny frame. Also not wanting to intrude of the very personal first moments of their meeting.

The popstar pulls back to look down at the girl he’s fallen for in mere weeks. She’s as beautiful as he thought she'd be - if not more. He can’t help himself, “Would it be too forward to kiss you?”

Y/N smiles widely, running a hand along his jawline, “I’ve wanted you to kiss me since you stayed up on FaceTime with me until two in the morning as I cried after watching The Notebook - despite me seeing it a million times.”

Harry ducks forward to press his lips softly to her, large hands come to cup the side of her face as they connect. He’s so gentle as he moves his mouth against hers. In true Y/N fashion, she’s bold and has no hesitation slipping her tongue into his mouth.

He’s so fucking in love with her. It doesn’t make much sense - it’s definitely not logical but he’s realizing that’s okay.

“Oii, get a room!” Someone shouts from down the hallway teasingly.

Harry flips them the middle finger and pulls back, pink lips swollen and puffy, dimples on full display, “Let me take you out to dinner after the show, darling.”

“You going to wine and dine me, Styles?” Y/N giggles, unable to contain the pleasant warmness he’s spreading through her body.

“Mmm, have t’make sure you’ll want to keep me,” Harry murmurs happily against her lips once again, pressing kiss after kiss to her to make sure she’s real, “Definitely want to keep you.”

Y/N bites teasingly at his bottom lip, hand planted on the soft but firm skin of his stomach, “You’re never getting rid of me, hope you know that.”

“Was hoping you’d say that, now let me introduce you to my band.”

-- ---- ---- -- 1 year later - -- --- --- --

“Hi bitches! Today is a super special day. We have the one, the only Harry Styles filming with us. I know that’s not really that special since he’s on here all the time with me. But we’re celebrating our one year anniversary!” Y/N smiles, bumping hips with Harry who stands dutifully next to her.

Anyone viewing can see the absolute heart-eyes and adoration he has for the girl standing next to him. He’s still as lovestruck and gone for her as he was the first time they met. Harry’s fans were thrilled - for the first time in years, he’d opened up again.

They weren’t very public on social media beside’s tagging each other in memes and posting the occasional picture. Y/N was constantly uploading cooking videos from wherever in the world she was with Harry on his tour, she’d also begin making vlogs about different foods she’s been experiencing.

---

“Okay, so here in Peru - they’re known to have this really fucking spicy beef with noddles. So obviously, I’m going to make Harry try it first,” Y/N laughs as she props the camera up on the side of the table on a napkin holder.

Harry - who has a concert in a few hours - frowns at the steaming dish in front of him, “Darling, I don’t want to try it first. It’s going to burn my mouth. Not gonna be able to sing.”

“You’re sucha baby sometimes,” Y/N rolls her eyes, slurping up the noodles with her fork while making a silly face at her boyfriend. She pulls back, straight-faced, “It’s not hot at all. Tastes amazing, though.”

Harry takes that as an initiative to shovel a spoonful into his mouth. It only takes half a moment until his taste buds erupt in fiery flames from the spices, “You bloody little brat, y’tricked me! It’s so fuckin’ hot!”

Y/N smiles widely, laughing much too loudly in the restaurant when Harry chugs the glass of water next to the plate while glaring at his love. “I’m sorry, s’just to easy with you, lovie,” She replies, leaning over the table to press a kiss to his lips.

He’s a sucker for her and kisses her right back despite his mouth being an inferno. His heart was on fire for her and that burned much more intensely.

---

“No, love. The instructions say baking soda, not baking powder. They’re not the same thing,” Harry sighs, attempting to read her scribbled, sloppy handwriting. She’d already spilled milk on half of the paper.

“S’interchangeable, right?” Y/N hums, cracking an egg into the bowl and Harry automatically knows to look to fish out the eggshells that’d she’d let slip in because she sucks at cracking eggs but always wants to do it.

Harry reaches over her, grabbing the vanilla extract and a teaspoon, “It’s not, baby. Lemme do this real quick.”

“Will you make me a grilled cheese after this?” She asks, nuzzling into his side and wrapping her arms around his waist as he finishes adding the wet ingredients to their bowl. Harry stopped questioning her thought process a long time ago.

Harry swipes his finger into the mixture of icing off to the side and rubs it right onto her nose, cackling at her pout and squeaking when she pinches at the fleshy skin of his hips. She in turn dips her finger into the sugary cream and pops it right into her mouth.

Harry eyes darken, watching her lips purse as she sucks off the icing. It was a dirty move on Y/N’s part and she knows it. It has her boyfriend dragging an icing-covered thumb along her collarbone before leaning down to slowly lick up the sugary trail with his tongue.

When Y/N slides her fingers into his hair and lets out a pretty moan, Harry’s standing back up, trailing over to the tripod and saying into the camera, “We’ll be back after a little commercial break,” and is then turning off the record button.

It takes little to no time for Harry to have Y/N’s bum on the countertop, mouth on her neck, and hand in-between her thighs.

And when they finally posted a very edited final cut of the video - well there may be a couple of fans who notice the how flushed Y/N is halfway through and a lovely purple mark on Harry’s neck that wasn’t there in the beginning of the video.

#harry styles #harry styles writing #harry styles fanfic #harry styles writing request #harry styles fluff #harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles fic rec #harry styles prompt #harry styles x influencer y/n #harry styles smut #harry styles drabble

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stnaf-vn · 2 years ago

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Hi!

I was wondering if you could tell us why you started working on STNAF and what got you inspired and how long it took you to put out the demo?

I’ve been wanting to start a VN but I guess I don’t really know where to start? And yours is just… amazing, I love it a lot. I played twice and got the friend? and boyfriend endings! I’m excited to see the whole game

I guess I’m just wondering what the process was like to make (and still are making) STNAF

Eeeeee I'm excited to learn about your story!! This may be a little long but I'll try to explain it as best as I can!! Well....for starters I didn't actually expect anyone to be invested in this LMAO. I was just like "Man...it'd be cool to make a game." I was going to just base it off the animation but....I thought Friend's character deserved more substance than 'mean, manipulative Friend' So, I love the yandere trope and I think it's so interesting, so I made him a yandere. All game devs start at ground 0, but if you want to make a VN, there's loads of information in LemmaForums, Reddit, Youtube, and you could also ask game devs for advice as well!! (Lord knows how many times I asked @queenlilithprime for help) It took me quite a long while, the demo would have came out a lot sooner if my Macbook wasn't a piece of garbage, but honestly I'm glad it didn't and I'm glad I pushed it back. The original demo had some of the worst art I ever created and I was ashamed of myself for wanting to so badly get it out there I sacrificed quality. So, I pushed it back. Rushing yourself on anything is never a good thing, especially when it's a project you care about so deeply. I rewrote the script three times in the past two months because I couldn't decide on how I wanted the story to progress. Then I came up with the story you know now, and let me tell you: At this point I was BURNT OUT. I was afraid I wasn't being the best I could be, and if I can be completely transparent, there were times where I thought other game devs could handle the story better than I could. But,I started it and I refused to let it be half finished. So, I sent it over to beta testing and there were quite a few bugs. Lily helped me so much work through them and taught me some cool coding tricks. They also helped me get rid of that quick menu (which was more difficult than I expected LMAO) And, well, now here we are! Demo is out, and it's gotten such amazing feedbacks and small things that'll make it even better when I get the chance to update it. My way of working starts like this: 1. Synopsis. Writing down a short paragraph of what the game will be about and how each chapter/day will go is super helpful! Think about what you want your VN to be like. Do you just want to make a short and sweet VN, or do you have a full story to tell? Pull up a Word or Google doc, and write down a small synopsis. 2. Assets/Sprites. Once you have the idea down, fine-tune it so you know what type of sprites and assets to make (backgrounds, props, music, etc.) This is where you get ~artsy~. I use Procreate for my stuff. 3. Game Script. This can be the tricky part. I use Ren'Py for my VNs and I use Atom to edit/write. It's just easier for me since I am familiar with Atom, but there's tons of different text editors out there (Although Atom quit on me, so I switched to VSCode. ) 4. Beta Testing!! You ideally want to give yourself around 3-4 weeks to fully beta test and work out any bugs you might encounter (having others play it can be super helpful too)

There are probably other ways to do it, but this is just what's easiest for me!

So...I hope that helps Anon!! If not, my DMs are open if you need any assistance!

#yaboi game dev tips #💾- see thru need a friend game

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iamthekaijuking · 2 years ago

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Art vs Artist 2022 and Yearly Recap

It’s been awhile since I’ve done an art v artist, and even longer since I’ve done a year recap.

2022 was a strange year, and as a 21 year old I’m in a very strange stage of life. So much of my future is uncertain, and a lot happened just this year. I’ve got smarter, I’ve made new friends, got traumatized, and learned that I might even have ptsd (unrelated to the trauma thing). It feels weird that it’s almost over.

Twitter turned to shit, and the tumblr kept getting better.

So many of my loved ones are getting older, and I’m contemplating mortality more than I’d like as a result.

One of my snakes burnt himself on a malfunctioning heat lamp and has a blister, and my family is treating him (so far he’s okay and he should be fine).

I can drink alcohol now, but the only ones I like are basically sodas that barely have alcohol in them.

I got my first jobs this year and also graduated as a certified electrician. My first job was working in an assembly line for Honda, and oh my god those were the most miserable 100 days of my life (and because it was a temp service I wasn’t getting paid fully or getting insurance benefits in a VERY unsafe work environment). That shit traumatized me (THIS is the trauma thing, not the ptsd thing) and now I’m very picky with jobs. I then got a job I actually did like, but after a month got fired because my boss constantly forgot to re-order stock and so we were unable to complete orders and people were withdrawing theirs and we were running out of stuff to do, so my boss was losing money and decided to just fire the newest hire to save money. But he didn’t have the balls to tell me the actual reason or do it directly, so one of the accountants had to basically pull me aside and say my boss was firing me “because I didn’t look happy”. That same weekend he took 2 employees out of state to do everything for him at a convention for 12 hours for 2 days; they each got paid 200 dollars, he made 60,000. Let me tell you, having to put on your resume that you only worked at your last job for a month makes it basically impossible to get hired.

This was also the first year I actually took commissions, so I guess I’m *technically* a professional artist? I also made a patreon, but it’s been up for like half a year and I still don’t have subscribers.

This year I also made some major leaps in my artistic skills (and in biological knowledge) and I’d consider myself a good artist. I have a very good understanding of anatomy and proportions now and can draw some special effects. But it also doesn’t feel enough at times and I secretly can get a little green eyed when I see other artists or creature designers (or professional biologists).

I didn’t get as much work done with personal projects as I’d have liked, executive dysfunction does that to a man, but I did get major stuff done. I even wrote an overview for my first book in my GUARDIANverse IP! I’m also getting better at not getting sidetracked and am slowly chipping away at my extensive to do list of smaller not as important projects. The god children gverse thing will be moved to next year. I even illustrated and finalized what I hope to one day turn into a vtuber model (the flesh god).

I’m still pretty far from my pipe dream of making money on the side as an author, having a Bogleech type website, and streamer, but I’ve made progress. I make skulls and charts for the Unnatural History Channel, I’ve been his top moderator, and generally help out sometimes, so my stuff is being exposed to a larger audience.

I also hand picked the chillest people out of the UHC server and made my own server, and finally after 2 years of not having a friend group, I finally have one. And I’m actually entirely comfortable around them! Which is big deal for me because after one too many bad personal experiences I have a hard time trusting people and am constantly analyzing them for red flags, but with the UHC crew (aka the “Poopenshitters” yes that’s the name of our friend group) I feel 100% safe (also I’m the ring leader which is cool). Pathetic? Yes. But is it a huge step for me? YES ABSOLUTELY.

And of course my friendship with dappercritter grows stronger each year.

2022 was also a great year for Kaiju content, especially in games. Also weirdly enough 2022 was the year of gigan, but that’s not unwelcome.

Sunbreak also came out, and I’ve been thoroughly enjoying it.

Well, 2022 is coming to a close. It was a weird year, but I’m growing, and hopefully the world is too.

#art vs artist #art vs artist 2022 #yearly recap #yearly recap 2022

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