#other stuff to work on ���� i burnt myself out on it learning too many things and not having enough fun with it anymore‚

[gloomyshoujo]

ACCOMPANYING DOODLE COMIC CAN BE FOUND HERE!!

Day 9 for huevember~

Decided to draw Jetko again, this time for a very specific AU I've been tweaking over like a feral animal lol. (heavy and I mean heavy rambling under the cut!)

Urk yea, so I worked my butt off of this one! I really pushed myself with the anatomy, since I wanted it to have a bit of sex appeal ngl lol (also, ya know, wanting to get better at drawing blah blah). I don't think I've ever looked at so many refs at once tho holy shit...

I also tried my best to make it look cool and graphical~ It was fun and fucking brutal I think I went through 30+ different variants, no joke LOL. Shoutout to my bestie for all the help and listening to me ramble like a madman. Title from this song: Renegade Master by Wildchild

OKAY SO PLEASE LET ME BE A LOSER

So not sure how to describe this AU, other than it being sort of a silly master thief mixed with action, romance/smut, drama, angst, revenge and conspiracy. I was definitely inspired by a few anime's, but Lupin iii & Cowboy Bebop were the biggest inspos for sure lol.

Not sure of the timeline, but maybe in the 90s? They're also aged up, Jet is about 31yo, and Zuko 23 maybe? YES there's a bit of an age gap as a treat for me. <333

Both of them served in the military, but at different times and units, so they never met before.

Jet joined the army at 18 to basically avoid homelessness, since he was orphaned and didn't have many options. He did, however, want to set up a fund for 'Bee and Longshot while he worked there. I'm still unsure about why he'd leave, but was thinking he got injured (like in S2), and was discharged (I'm also thinkin' toxic situation-ship with Lu Ten? *looming music* the drama!!). Or maybe he was about to uncover something big by mistake, so they accused him of stuff he didn't do, which had him terminated from the military. Or a combo of the 2??

But whoops, also turns out his fund he was putting aside was stolen/was being lied too, and he, 'Bee and Longshot had nothing left to their names. And because governments suck, he wasn't getting his benefits or barely got enough (or if he was terminated, then he'd get nothing).

This obviously left him feeling pissed and helpless. He tried getting normal work, but he didn't have much luck; which eventually led him to robbing a bank out of desperation (+an old military friend reached out to ask for help with the robbery), using his skills he's learned over his life (maybe at the time, he pretended to date Katara as she worked there to get intel? More drama~ Tho he did regret that part;;;). After that first theft, he not only got money for him and the others, but got a huge thrill from it. Since then, he strived to become the worlds greatest thief! He goes after money, jewels, fine art; whatever gives him a challenge (and a good paycut hehe)~

Zuko, like Jet, joined the military as soon as he turned 18; but it was done to get away from his fathers abuse and influence. He thought Ozai had no connections to the military, and he'd be safe to have his own career/life there for a while. (Also thinking Iroh is not in the picture. Either dead or disappeared)

Unfortunately, his father was far more powerful and corrupt than he thought he was. Not entirely sure why again, but thinking this time around, Zuko did uncover something big going on (but only a small glimpse of it). His father then ordered an assassination against Zuko and his unit, to make it look like an accident/war mission gone wrong (also, think 41st division here; except Zuko was in said division).

In an instant, he lost his comrades, all of them killed off because of Ozai. Unfortunately for Ozai, Zuko did survive, but no one knew of that, and thought he was dead/completely burnt away from the blast (also maybe that's how he gets the scar on his face OR chest?? idk yet).

Zuko did manage to run away and hide somewhere, finding random help and took almost a year to recover. During that time, he had a lot of time to think about it, and decided he'd get revenge against his father.

But it wouldn't be an easy feat. Reporting Ozai never did anything for him (the few times he tried when he was younger). He thought simply killing him would suffice, but he wanted Ozai to slowly lose everything. His influence, connections, money, power, etc. He wanted him to suffer, and lose the things he clearly cared more than anything in the world, even his own family.

So after the incident, he took time to train, get more intel, took mercenary jobs so he could build up his own network/gain experience, etc etc. until he eventually felt ready to begin his slow act of revenge; which would entail him starting from the bottom up, taking apart Ozai's regime if you will, by stealing/destroying/killing his connections/assets/companies/etc etc. if that makes sense?

ANYWAYS. Queue in Jetko!

The first time Jet meets Zuko, it's in the middle of a theft; it was night time, Zuko illuminated by the full moon, sirens going off in the background, as Zuko is holding the very thing he was going to steal. Zuko slowly turns to look at him, with nothing but contempt in his eyes. And Jet? INSTANTLY fell in love.

AHAHA in this AU, Jet is absolutely whippeddddd for Zuko. He thinks he's the most handsome, beautiful, badass person he's ever laid eyes on. Jet is convinced Zuko stole his heart, but he doesn't mind.;-) (yes he's a SAP)

Zuko doesn't care for Jet (or anyone for that matter). He's been pretty much alone for years now, only concentrating on his revenge. But Jet seems to pop up here and there, always in the middle of a robbery or whatever else. He comes to learn Jet is the self-proclaimed "worlds greatest thief", which he doesn't care for.

And yet, Jet always seems eager to speak to him, even helping or saving him sometimes. He doesn't get it, and he wonders if the guy was hired by his father. Yet, Jet manages to wiggle his way in Zuko's heart; which scares him, because he doesn't want to forget his anger and hatred.

But he can't help but be pulled in Jet's antics and chaotic heists, from time to time.

I don't think Jet would care if Zuko was the son of Ozai, in this AU. I'd imagine he'd be more angry about what Ozai has done to Zuko (and others) than Zuko's blood. Also, while Jet is definitely whipped, he does grow real feelings for Zuko the more they interact. He enjoys discovering small aspects about him, or the rare times he smirks or chuckles. But he can see there's a lot of hurt in Zuko, and is worried about him; he really wants him to have fun and be happy (hence why he ropes Zuko into his antics/thefts at times, just to see Zuko loosen up a bit).

As for the plot, AHAHA idk yet. Definitely some conspiracies going on, maybe some classic world domination? Idk. But everything is connected in some ways; even the random fine art pieces Jet would steal, would eventually connect to something bigger. Lots of action too and near death scenes aha. Also, Jets and Zukos pasts and presents would come to intertwine at some point. I'm thinking Lu Ten is one nasty villain too, which would add for some delicious drama~

Unto the nsfw aspect LOL (please respect the honour system and only read if you're 18+ pwease T^T)

So in ALL my headcanons/AU's, Jet/Zuko are switches. But I have SUCH a thing for younger men topping older men AHA (also....Jet is hairy too YIPPEE!). So the first time they even kiss, it's Zuko that pulls the shots. I'd imagine Jet would be flirting with Zuko again, and Zuko feeling both fed up but also interested, would grab him by the collar and give Jet a deep kiss; shocking Jet into silence. He'd just smirk, knowing he won, while Jet's brain short circuits lol. OR their first kiss is Zuko slipping Jet some important info through a chip/pill, which does surprise Jet, but he's eager to play the make-out part.;-)

Not even sure how they'd finally give in and fuck lmfao. But Zuko would, again, call the shots the first time; which does things to Jets brain because he's never been topped by a younger guy (he's veryyy into it tho). At some point, Zuko would allow Jet to top him during an emotional moment, I would imagine aha.

Oh also, for this scene in particular.....idk. I have a real fetish for cool looking dudes in cool outfits and looking all badass and homoerotic LMFAOOOOO. I do think it displays their dynamic in this AU pretty good. Jet being smitten/whipped and flirting/teasing, knowing full well he's got Zuko's attention; while Zuko seems in control/indifferent and closed off, but he can't help but be pulled in by Jet. (also I just wanted to draw something ~cool~)

As for the text, I was listening to music and it popped up LOL. Idk, I sometimes let whatever I'm listening too atm dictate stuff for me, especially titles because I suck with those. As for the font choice, I wanted a serif font to make it look a bit more old school, and hopefully jazzy. But I also wanted it edgy, something you could either see on a jazz album or 90s rave/techno/house album.xD (Since I was inspired by both genera's lol) It WAS really hard choosing the right font. Several looked great, one in particular I almost went with, but it felt too modern imo. I also knew I wanted it to be red, but it often took attention away from Jet/Zuko. So I tried my best to use the font to my advantage, and have the viewers eyes automatically go towards their faces by making it more saturated in that spot, like a light source? I also did trace out the font like a loser so it would have a hand-drawn texture.:-V

Also I kinda drew Jet more beefy than I usually imagine him by accident? But I didn't wanna change it bc.....his tits came out real good lol. I def need to draw more for this AU. And I hope Zuko's ass also came out good because god did I struggle.

OKAY SORRY FOR BEING A LOSER IN PUBLIC I'LL SHUT UP NOW LMFAOOOO.

[librarycards]

do you have any resources or advice on how to help people who have manic episodes or who could possibly harm others according to antipsych principles? my friend diagnosed with bipolar disorder has been looking into checking themself into a hospital, and their home situation isn’t the best though their dad somewhat tries to be supportive, but i wonder what other options there are. the most i can do is offer some emotional support and give advice since i live too far away to be of much help otherwise. sorry if this is the wrong place to ask.

hello, and thanks for your patience on my response - this week has been busy and i'm only just now getting to asks!

here is an excellent piece by Stefanie Lyn Kaufman-Mthimkhulu on providing support for comrades in crisis, many of these tips are very applicable to distance-relationships too! bipolar comrades/others who have manic episodes are also welcome and very encouraged to reply and share what kinds of supports work best for them.

There are also a series of free zines/books by the Fireweed Collective (FKA the Icarus Project), particularly Navigating The Space Between Brilliance And Madness: A Reader & Roadmap Of Bipolar Worlds. This is a great way to learn more about a variety of bipolar experiences to better contextualize your friend's.

here are some tips based on personal experience being close to multiple people with bipolar, while not being bipolar myself:

create balance within yourself + project it - it's tempting to get yourself wrapped up in others' big feelings, especially if they trigger you. but it's crucially important to maintain a (porous!) barrier between you and your friend, both as a way of maintaining your own peace and providing something sturdy for them to lean on. this means taking what they say/do in the midst of crisis and placing it "beside" your own feelings, rather than integrating it and responding viscerally in the moment.

neither "reality checking" nor "reality confirming". this is tricky. it's pointless to tell someone "you're wrong, you can't do that, etc." when they're experiencing a different reality than you. it is also harmful to encourage someone to act on beliefs that are not actually aligned with their values, but instead the result of a state of crisis. i try to use phrases like "that sounds ___," "that must be ____," "i can see how you'd feel ____" and similar, both to affirm their own lived experience and to avoid reifying it as objective truth.

know when to step away. mania is draining for literally everyone involved, and what people do to their loved ones in the midst of a manic episode can be incredibly harmful, even if occurring alongside grand gestures of generosity, productivity, etc. you are not your friend's keeper, and your feelings and well-being matter just as much as theirs. do you both have mutual friends you can tap into to provide support when you're burnt out? these friends might also be able to offer some strategies that you or i haven't thought of. it's important to say that this support shouldn't be constant "did you use substances today" "did you drive recklessly today" other surveillance type stuff. try to maintain a normal rhythm to your conversations, and when something that makes you go ??? comes up, try framing your response as a question. "i'm going to finish writing and editing my novel today and start two new books and apply for this and that grant" - you could say, "that's a ton of stuff. why do you need to do it all today?" this creates space for other possibilities without forcing it.

your friend doesn't need advice right now, they need support! the person who needs advice, i think, is your friend's dad. are you and him directly in touch, and is there any way that you could get in touch with him? since you're online, i don't know the details here; it may work best when your friend is no longer manic and you two can speak frankly about how best to support them. i do suggest making a crisis plan with him/whoever they're close to irl.

I hope this is somewhat helpful!

[hayasakri]

⠀ ░ ♬ ʕ⁎̯͡✭ lessons i've learned about shifting: some simple things people tend to forget

‘ as someone who got into shifting at the time of it being a trend somewhere around mid-2020; there's a lot of stuff i had to learn (and also unlearn).

but something i'd like to say is that even after 5 years i still don't know it all. this post isn't really to tell everyone the secret to shifting, or if there even is one. i mostly just want to share what i've learned (even if it's been said again and again on this site), and maybe it can help someone else too!

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so,

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ㅤ۫ㅤㅤ𓈒❤︎ lesson 1: there is no secret to shifting

‘ there is no EASTER BUNNY 😡, NO TOOTH FAIRY 🙄 , and there is no QUEEN OF ENGLAND! 🤬.

but on a serious note, if you read this, or any other shiftblr post expecting to find ‘the thing that will inevitably make me shift’, then unfortunately you probably won't (＞人＜;)

i keep relearning this lesson every single time i find myself stuck, not being able go shift, that if i go through every single reddit, amino, tumblr post i can get my hands on, something will click and i'll suddenly get the ability to shift.

but then i remember that, there really is no secret, all you need is you.

everyone has the ability to shift, and the process is mostly the same for everyone, but just like how everyone is different— the way everyone shifts is different too; so there's no ‘one size fits all’ solution to shifting.

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ㅤ۫ㅤㅤ𓈒❤︎ lesson 2: all you need to shift is yourself

‘ i already said this, but it really is true… the only thing that could possibly hold you back from shifting is you, whether you have limiting beliefs (but i've also heard that thinking you have limiting beliefs about shifting is a limiting belief in itself so… beliefception…?) or something else, you are the only person who can decide whether or not you shift.

the universe or some kind of higher being isn't stopping you, only you are!! Σ( Д ) ﻌﻌﻌﻌ⊙ ⊙

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ㅤ۫ㅤㅤ𓈒❤︎ lesson 3: stop overconsuming shifting advice you won't even use/apply

‘ you could already be doing this technically by reading this post but shhh… 🤫

it's okay to compare advice and tips to see what truly works best for you, but i think constantly seeking out info then not applying it feels like progress, but if you don't actually use that advice then nothing changes.

and i know some of you may find a post that makes you think "omg wait.. i think i got it!" only to go back to reddit, tumblr, or whatever website trying to find more info. (i would know because i've also fallen victim to this...)

i also think there's a thing of having too much information, especially because a lot of it is conflicting (ex. the argument of whether shifting is shifting your awareness to your desired reality vs shifting your subconscious to another reality, if that makes sense.)

so instead of seeking endless advice, it’s more beneficial to apply only what truly resonates with you!

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ㅤ۫ㅤㅤ𓈒❤︎ lesson 4: caring more about posting about your dr vs. actually shifting to your dr

‘ this is more to the shifters who also like making content about their dr.

is posting about your dr bad? no! Σ(･o･;). i, like many others, like posting and sharing things about my dr, and i also love seeing other peoples drs!

but i think it really gets to a point, where some people are more concerned about posting about their dr and fantasizing about it, rather than actually wanting or trying to shift there.

so if you find yourself burnt out because you keep trying to find things to post, please take a step back from your socials (〇o〇；)

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     ͟ ͟ ͟⬚͒͟͟ ྀ͟͟ ͟ ͟ ͟ ⠀⠀ ꫶      

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this is pretty short, but but i only wanted to include what i think are the more important things i learned over the course of my shifting journey.

please remember to consume information wisely, and happy shifting!

⠀ ⠀🎼🎵°.⠀⠀〜⠀⠀❤︎ divider credits to ＠dollywons & ＠roseraris !

[143folium]

(My) Natal Observations + BONUS TAKES (PART 1)

First of all, I wanna introduce myself.

Hi, I'm Trif! I frequent here in tumblr for astro observations, astro notes, or anything that has to do with the astro community cuz it's pretty interesting to see some takes here. And I sometimes indulge on scrolling astro posts for validation for my placements

If you guys wanna laugh at my placements, or grimace at it, envy it, roast it, feel free. Wanna hear your takes. Bring it on!

Ascendant in Pisces

I have this in 20° and it's definitely not a nice combination. It's just gonna make you stuck in a limbo of being infantilized with people assuming that you need protection and stuff, while you also get people projecting too much of their negative traits on to you even if you got no beef with anyone. Some people just wanna see you as a threat you know.

Gemini Moon

0° and mind is always in overdrive. Dunno where I should be certain but my brainwork is always changing. Like my mind still goes even if my entire body is already FATIGUED! Really strong on micro learning and I wanna learn as much things as possible. But I tend to overestimate myself into thinking that I'm too talented. Yes, I'm a burnt out gifted kid.

Virgo Sun

This one, I don't really relate nor even feel that I'm a Virgo. I have this opposite my ascendant while squaring Saturn and Pluto (DEFINITELY UNFUN). Always find myself reinventing myself. But ever since I started hitting the gym and going tryhard on getting in shape, I've been feeling better and better.

This is my Natal Observations for now, I kinda feel lazy to write my other placements 😅

BONUS TAKES

I've been thinking of classifying things/games/events/characters with the signs. So I'll start with my most familiar ones (as a HYV game player)

Honkai Star Rail would be an Aquarius game. Lots of futuristic touch, space vibes, reinventions and revolutions through their trailblazing. Understanding aeons is on the level of philosophical work.

Genshin Impact would be a Sagittarius game. Archons, different gods, different nations and culture, and TRAVELLING. Many events, many festivals. Vibrant colors. Pioneered the expansive open world genre in games.

Aight, that's all for now. Nice meeting y'all!

[drak0nis]

Recovery is hell, and the Final War left more than just physical scars. Class 1-A, now 2-A, returns to U.A. battered and forever changed, yet whole. In the calm following the storm, Bakugo seeks to make amends in earnest. After all, he still plans to be number one, and he’s learned a win for a friend or ally often translates into a win for him, too. And while he, Midoriya, and many others won the war, they lost in many smaller ways, too. A school year in which most of their practical training is replaced by community outreach and other less glamourous aspects of hero work is about to begin. While Bakugo, Midoriya, and Class 2-A work to help the people and places around them rebuild and recover, they also work to help each other.

hey. been quiet for a little while here, huh. life's been kinda tough. i won't go into the details, but i allude to it a little in the notes of the above new fic.

i'm still working on sulphur and starlight, but i'm getting a little burnt out. i have, very quietly, been a giant nerd for my hero academia since like... 2016? think i started reading when the first season of the anime had just finished? anyway, i buckled down and got all caught up recently after a little hiatus to let it finish. and then decided i had to Write A Fic About it. hope you like bakugo because this is about him. if you don't, well, i guess that's too bad. i'm not involved in this fandom or fandom in general, i don't know where the needle's at these days. im 30 or 40 years old and i don't need that drama. i'm just writing stuff and putting it on the internet. canon-compliant, sort of a retelling of 424-429 from bakugo's pov leading into post-429 stuff about bakugo, midoriya and pals at U.A. for their second year and how that goes (it's complicated. you don't just go through All That and leave normal about it)

it's rated Teen but mind the tags as always, yknow. shipping's only a small part of this fic but like. look. i'm a highly critical reader. i analyze and rub my braincells together. there is no heterosexual explanation for some of the shit going on in this series man. i was gonna say "don't like don't read" but clearly something changed in this fandom in the past 9 years or whatever because i looked at how many works were under bakugo/midoriya on ao3 for the first time in ages a few weeks ago and just about shat myself in shock. anyway its mostly a bakugo character study

i enjoyed writing it, hope you enjoy reading it. or don't! just keep it to yourself if it's the latter. peace PS i write my fics entirely by hand before typing them pretty much solely for the purpose of posting them because, quite frankly, i hate writing on the computer. so of course, i did what needed to be done

[dragonofmagnolias]

Almost 11pm thoughts…

I know I’ve said to many people that I’ve been burnt out physically and emotionally, but I’ve never really opened up about it a lot due to the fear of being shut down or feeling like a terrible person for having feelings I want/need to express.

Maybe it was because my autism was left undiagnosed for almost 28 years of my life, or maybe it’s something entirely unrelated, but I’ve developed a shell around myself bc I’ve made mistakes and been beat into the ground over and over for them with no end in sight. I’ve only ever stood up for myself in person once recently, yet I still cried bc I was scared of retaliation.

There’s been other times where I’ve stood up for myself in a text conversation, but it seems like no matter what I try, I always mess up and never learn from past mistakes. Sometimes it feels like I have to become the guilty party just because feelings have been hurt out of my need to express my own.

I think the most impactful factor towards my burnout is thar from the beginning of 2021 and through mid 2023, I was extremely overworked at my previous job. I found no joy in the things I loved doing, as I was getting home and immediately had no energy but to rot and stare at my phone, and then eventually I’d forget everything until the next day came around. I was working 5-7 days in a row, sometimes 14+ hour shifts, and having to do the cashier work of three people. All the shifts I had where I was scheduled for half days never stayed half days, and I was miserable and having no luck landing a new job.

Only reason I got out was because last year the company went bankrupt and all the stores closed. They treated us like shit in the end too and gave us no compensation, so we all just stopped caring. I remember on my last day I yelled at a disrespectful customer because they, a person who never worked retail, was telling me to manually calculate the discount on each item they were buying and put in those prices by hand because our system went down. They said that’s what they’d do in my position, but as they said they never worked retail, a switch flipped in my head and yelled at them. What was the company going to do? Fire me on the second to last day before we shut down completely?

And then the mass of depression of my unemployment hit about a month later, and I struggled to hold it together. I was scared of losing the few things that were making me happy by finishing them, and at some point I just… Lost all of that joy anyway and shelved my happiness.

But during the entirety of these times, I barely did anything. I can probably count the games I actually beat on two hands, and the others I barely started or never touched would need a lot more than that.

Looking back though, I did manage to post a chunk of fics from 2021 to 2023, but 2024 barely had anything. It was mostly WIPs that I abandoned partway through because I lost steam.

Now, it has only been four months since my last published fic, but to give a better idea of how out of character it is for me personally, that is the longest stretch it’s been without my posting something since 2021.

And don’t even get me started on art.

Within the past few years, I’ve rapidly declined in how much art I draw for myself, and there’s only a few I actually finish. In the past 3 years, I can only think of three non-commission (and also not counting stylized pieces) I finished and remain proud of… And I drew much more than that.

And then there’s the fact I always feel like I’m sharing to an empty audience.

Reading over my friend Sugar’s thoughts on her own personal burnout, she honestly hits the nail on the head when she says “I’ve just felt a huge decline in feeling like it’s worth it; because when I do post my stuff I’m in the void!”. Like I get in some places the algorithm can push you down, but even when there isn’t one, I stare into the void looking for something, but only the void stares back.

I just want somebody, somewhere, to say something about the things they like about what I do. Even the simple acknowledgment of it existing is better than nothing at all. I want somebody to see how hard I work.

After struggling with all of this for four years, I’ve become tired of everything. Therapy and psychiatric meds do help, but my energy is still so far gone that even today I’m working to recover what I used to have.

I think I’ve made some great steps towards my happiness by pushing my artistic skill, working to beat games I’ve left incomplete, and keeping a progress report for myself every week, but there’s still more to be done. I can set as many goals for myself as I want, but they only mean something if I work towards them instead of putting things off. Even if they aren’t reached, at least I would have tried.

I miss the joy and motivation I had a decade ago, back when I was doing Bravely (and eventually Octopath) works, and I’d like to get those feelings back before I reach my 30s.

In the end, I can only hope 2025 treats me with kindness and that I keep pushing myself to do better, just so I don’t fall back into despair and make the same mistakes over and over again. I want a rest. I want to lift the weight off my shoulders. I want to be able to speak and stand up for myself.

I just want to be myself again.

[awake-my-oceans]

Instead of calling it “lazy”

I once saw a post called “the myth of writer’s block.” That is, being stuck while writing is real, but calling it “writer’s block” just implies that the problem isn’t fixable while failing to identify what’s making us stuck. In a similar vein, I’d like to present “the myth of laziness, or, there are real reasons why I’m not doing the thing.”

I don’t have the time/energy/things needed to do the thing right now

I’m overwhelmed right now, and “not doing stuff” is my way of managing that anxiety

I need rest, so I struggle to do anything but low-energy things

I’m technically able but not actually able to get my brain to start the thing, and what looks like laziness is actually an inner struggle to start and/or learned helplessness about starting

“Doing it later” works better than “doing it now”

I’m resting, but I feel guilty about it

I don’t know how to start

This is a helpful use of my current time, energy, and resources, but in different contexts this behavior can be read as lazy, so now I feel guilty again

This saves time and energy in a way that works, and that’s not lazy

I have burnout or caregiver fatigue 

I really want to avoid a specific task since it’s draining/tedious/etc

My stress about something takes most of my energy, so I’m unable to give much energy to other things

Object permanence evades me; I forgot (x) existed until just now

You know that doing activity (x) helps you, so you want me to do it too. However, that’s not how (x) works for me, so I’m not throwing myself into it.

It’s easy for you to do (x), so you think I’m lazy when I don’t do (x), or don’t do it quickly. However, (x) is not easy for me.

The thing I’m avoiding would be the straw that broke the camel’s back, aka even small things can become too much and cause a crisis. I’m busy avoiding that fate.

Doing (x) scares me

There are many, many more reasons someone might be avoiding a task, but these examples are enough to get my point across. Each example is much more useful than the blanket diagnosis of “laziness”—someone who doesn’t know how to start should handle things much differently than someone who’s burnt out or who just forgot about the thing.

Feel free to add your own examples. Note that almost all these reasons are invisible, aka if you see someone doing nothing, it’s hard to tell why. Let’s give a little more grace to people doing “nothing.” After all, they’re probably acting this way because they’re struggling and/or coping, not because they’re indifferent.

[not-poignant]

You have a very broad readership; do you still, like most ao3 writers, use writing as a way to make friends? If so, how do you manage both to make connections and keep from uncomfortable parasocial engagements?

(admitting: I like your work a lot, I have a similar interest in writing trauma and recovery, I would like to befriend you, but I don't want to bother you bc lots of people want to be friend with writers they like and there's no way you'd have energy for all of them!)

Hi hi anon,

So...this response might be disappointing, but I didn't use fanfiction writing as a way of making friends. That's not why I started, and it's never been the reason for me to be in fandom.

(Thoughts about friendship and stuff under the read more, it's pretty personal so no obligation to read. The TL;DR is I am bad at friendship and I also am not like 'most AO3 writers' (is that really why most AO3 writers write?) in the sense that I never wrote fanfiction as a way to make friends and it's very weird to me sometimes that people actually do this as a motive).

When I turned up in fandom, it was a very private experience for me. I didn't know anyone else locally who shared the same fandom/s I do. When I shared fanfiction on Livejournal, I did so to complete strangers who I never got to know better, or to people who were already friends through other interests.

I've never gone to fandom conventions (there's few here, and I have severe social anxiety. By the time I thought about going I was in my late 30s, and just felt like I'd be too much of an outsider even among fellow outsiders - again, I shared almost no fandoms or ships with anyone I knew locally, and no one I'm friends with / know in person reads my fanfiction). Fandom was always an incredibly isolated experience for me.

When I joined AO3, it wasn't with a view to making friends. I was extremely burnt out, I'd quit my previous job as a professional artist because I couldn't see a way of making the income work out, and I just wanted to write a very angst-filled story that would help me deal with my loneliness which I didn't see as something that would ever change. Writing about a character who's experienced centuries of loneliness was like 'cool, yeah, I'm gonna write about him.'

I did end up making friends, but it was kind of by accident! And not all of those experiences were positive. One person in particular became quite toxic and cruel towards me, and I experienced my first kind of encounter with...I guess what I would call the uglier side of fandom life and also just friendship and relationships. It took me a long time to recover from that experience (and to learn what emotional abuse is), and after that I shut down and stopped kind of making friends on the internet.

I have made friends through the writing since (they're usually the mutuals I also have on Instagram, or here, or people I've DMed in Discord etc.), but I haven't really sought it out actively and I think anyone who knows me well enough that we've private messaged a few times, also knows that I'm quite aloof and reserved, and that I will engage quite deeply sometimes but then disappear for a few months (or years) re: communication, which is a remnant of a period of time where I used to get sometimes 200 Whatsapp messages in 5 minutes from someone who expected me to be accountable to her every second of every day when she was awake and wanted me to be.

On top of like, severe social anxiety + PTSD, and being very reserved in general, I would also say I'm very time poor. I don't have much time for the friends I already have and care about. I often view myself as quite a poor friend, who is not good at starting and even worse at maintaining connections. I'm also very private. As in, I will happily tell the world I have PTSD. But I won't tell my friends in a private conversation when I'm having a bad night, and I don't give friends many opportunities to connect. Even with really close friends, this is an ongoing issue that I'm working on.

So as for befriending, that's extremely sweet of you anon, but who I am in my personal life is sometimes very different to like... the way I can respond in comments or to anons, because it's actually easier for me to talk to strangers sometimes than it is for me to talk to friends, lol. I honestly think some of the people I consider my friends don't even know that I do, because I don't really behave like one. I chat online regularly to one person only, and one other person intermittently (and they're a romantic partner) and that's it. Everyone else I chat to pretty rarely in DM. But I do turn up in the Fae Tales Discord every day.

I don't actually think lots of people want to be my friend, tbh? Not in a 'woe is me' way, but simply because I think some people do grok that kind of... polite distance or that sort of warm 'I care for a lot of people but I am also quite personally walled off' kind of way. The good news is a lot of the folks in the Fae Tales Discord also share a lot of interest in writing trauma and recovery, or have those experiences, and I know a lot of good friends have been made within the like...faedom itself. A lot of neurodivergent, trauma-focused folks have met each other through this writing, and it's really cool seeing the different friendships that have sparked up between people. There's a lot of extremely like... skilled, talented, interesting people that I've met through this job, who I admire, respect and want the best for, and am very happy to talk to.

But yeah I'm a bit difficult to befriend, anon, and that's been an ongoing thing all my life, tbh. But it did specifically get worse in fandom because of some early fandom experiences when I started out in Rise of the Guardians fanfiction.

[l02t13]

Fun Things Are Fun

I wouldn’t say I grew up watching anime. Most of my childhood was spent with shows like Star Wars: The Clone Wars or Avatar: The Last Airbender. Sure, I had seen the occasional clip from shows like Dragon Ball or Pokemon or even more recent works like Attack on Titan, but the idea of ‘anime’ being different from cartoons never really entered my mind until I somehow sat down in 2016 to watch K-ON! Looking back, I have no idea why I decided to watch something so outside of my comfort zone, but I’m happy I did because K-ON! introduced me to anime, and it has made an indelible mark on my life because of it.

K-ON! Focuses on a high-school girl named Yui Hirasawa. She’s an airhead and clumsy and innocent. And at first glance, she and I could not be more different. But as the show moved past her introduction, and I got to see Yui struggling with picking out a club to join, I realized that there might be a little bit more to her than I had thought, and I empathized with her on something very unexpected: the feeling of being aimless and a little bit lost.

I had always struggled with not really knowing what exactly I wanted to do, and questions like ‘What do you want to do when you’re older?’ or ‘Where are you going to go to college?’ were ones I had to deal with on a weekly basis. And I was just smart enough — or maybe pessimistic enough — to realize that I couldn’t be a writer and an astronaut and a trauma surgeon and an aerospace engineer and a marine biologist and an archaeologist and a chef and a diplomat and a… you get the point. But I was also a kid who ‘had a gift’ and was ‘way smarter than the rest,’ so I couldn’t just give up. I ended up grinding away and eventually got burnt out working toward an uncertain future after realizing that not only was I not enjoying life in the present, but I didn’t even have a guarantee of enjoying it later. And I guess I saw a little bit of myself in Yui because a part of me wondered if I could learn anything from this strange and timid girl. So I kept watching.

Yui ends up joining the Light Music club with three other girls; Ritsu, the tomboy genki drummer, Mio, the shy but responsible bassist, and Mugi, the cheery and easily excitable keyboardist — Azusa joins the band a year later as well, but for now, it’s just these four and their club adviser. A common joke you might see regarding this series is that K-ON! is a music anime where they never play music, and there’s certainly a bit of truth to that. Most of the band’s days are spent doing nothing but talking, eating cake, and drinking tea — I mean, the band’s name is literally ‘Ho-kago Tea Time’ — which begs the question, what is this show actually about? And to answer that, I would like to use a quote — one that I really think captures the essence of K-ON!

“Fun things are fun.”

Yes, yes, truly the erudite our protagonist Yui is with such a compelling and insightful take on the nature of things, but it’s true. Fun things really are fun. And I think a lot about this quote even today. All too often, we go through the fun parts of life without really appreciating the simple joy that comes with them. Yui believed in having tea and eating cake and practicing songs with her friends because doing all those things was fun. Having fun was the point. And as I have continued living my own life, I have tried to keep that idea in mind. Obviously, my life did not magically become enjoyable and happy overnight, but I really have found myself appreciating the small things more. I’m still not quite sure what the future holds — and that can be a very scary thing indeed — but I do know that I can always enjoy the fun things now, regardless of what might happen later. So, thank you, K-ON! for reminding me about the love that comes with the small stuff — and for introducing me to an art form that would change my life in so many more ways. 

If you’re considering giving this anime a try, I highly recommend it. Because in a world where the good parts of life can pass us by in a blink, it can always be helpful to remind yourself that fun things are fun.

[lilliesforya]

Fall is for emo music and being proven wrong

Fall weather reminds me of driving around Pittsburgh with my friends listening to music. A college friend of mine has one of the coolest music tastes ever and plays an eccentric mix of Japanese indie music, math rock, alternative indie/ pop punk, and other stuff I can't even give a genre to. We overlap in the ‘fall out boy/ indie alternative’ areas the most. When I listen to music that I got into from them, I feel a deep nostalgia but also the comfort of friendship. 

Fall weather reminds me of working in a coffee shop in the middle of town. The smell of espresso stuck to everything. The girls I worked with wore the cutest outfits and taught me so many things I don't even have words for. They played so many different types of music and I enjoyed most, but some songs that played more frequently than others are tinged with memories of broken cash registers, laughter, comradery, and being at the mercy of a small business owner's wrath. 

Fall weather reminds me of marching band practice and competitions, stage crew meetings, and driving to school with my brother. 

Logically, I experience things as they happen like everyone else. However, I tend to experience emotional things retrospectively. My emotional processing time for things is longer than most peoples so events or experiences I had no opinion on or disliked while they were occurring often actually did impact me positively. I just wasn't super aware. Or I was vaguely aware but it wasn't at the forefront of my brain. Like I hated high school for the most part (as a system) because I was burnt out, lonely, and frustrated with the world. I still consider this an accurate statement. But later, I was able to process it emotionally and found I enjoyed the community aspect of high school activities immensely and it's something hard to come by as an adult. I also just enjoy being in school, having a routine, and learning. I hated working in my hometown too because it felt like I failed at establishing any life for myself after college. While this is true, I was able to later recognize I liked the job (I like preparing coffee), and I loved the community of people I was introduced to. Community is extremely important to human happiness and overall satisfaction with life;  I've been struggling with loneliness here so it has been important for me to recognize when I feel friendship or connection in my life. I'm sure I'll have something to say about the community I make for myself here in the future. But for now I just experience without judgment. 

Back to music, in my opinion, once you listen to ‘twin size mattress’ or ‘27’ for the first time in fall you have officially entered emo music fall. Once the temperature dips below 60 all of my playlists change and revert back to whatever I listened to from 7th-11th grade. It's not that cold here yet so it must be something else that indicates that its fall for me. Despite the fall being warmer here than what I'm used to (and thank god for that) it is still relatively cool weather.  I immediately want to be wearing fingerless gloves, all black, and to be stomping around in my doc martens. 

Anyway, I never considered my physical expression to be particularly bold, but living in Japan has definitely made me aware of the differences. I want to have my nails painted black, to retouch the blonde in my hair and extend it, and to wear my nose piercings in public. When I see my appearance at work I feel like a ‘deyassified’ or watered down version of myself. No piercings in. Hair tied back. No pins or jewelry. It's giving amish peasant. Though, let me clarify, I can definitely do those things here but it would further ostracize me. Also, I can’t have dyed hair or painted nails at work as it's a general rule for everyone. I'm sure there are workplaces in the US with similar rules, however I'm used to a more relaxed attitude in that department. Due to this, I tend to wear my mask when shopping in public, especially in my town. This is polite as it is becoming cold and flu season here and everyone for the most part is wearing a mask in public. But I also do it if I have my nose piercings in and I don't want to be especially different looking in public. I'm new and foreign to them everyday but I don’t have the energy for that everyday. People especially stare when they walk or bike by my car when I am driving. I try to be normal about that because I'm aware that it's shocking but oh my god does it make me crazy. There's this guy who bikes by my street in the mornings and two days in a row he turned his head fully to stare at me while I was waiting to pull onto the road. And like dude watch where you're going?? It's giving owl. But also it's rude to stare so long and so clearly!! It is very shocking for me. Where I’m from, it's considered rude to stare at other people for displaying something you consider weird, different, or uncommon.

Unrelated but the kids had to run the marathon this week which is their version of the mile run. I'm not sure how long it actually is by distance. I got to see the marathon at both of my elementary schools this week. Even the first and second years (first and second graders) do it. Also, it was not done separately in gym classes (they don't have gym everyday like we do), it was during the recess period in the morning (between like 10:05/10:35) everyone went outside and ran it at the same time. There are less kids at my schools than in my hometown but it was still surprising to see everyone running together. Some of the teachers ran with them as well. It was very cute. 

UPDATE: I learned that the kids are doing marathon practice for a tournament that's going to be held later this month!

[theboytatu]

Just looking for advice from you cuz I think you mentioned you work in PR or something along those lines? Sorry I can’t remember. But I’m guessing you deal with a lot of people. But I really keep to myself and I guess I’m kind of a people pleaser. I’m still at uni and I’m basically with the same group for the next 2 years it’s a very small group. And I guess I got excited at the start of the year and I tried to help everyone out and went out of my way to reply to people on group chats and share things they may find useful and stuff. But then I burnt out (due to several unmentioned reasons) and I just don’t have the energy to do shit. I’m just trying to get through the year without failing. But some people kind of become very demanding as if you owe them things. And I also feel like everyone’s opinion of me changed cuz I was skipping so many things and keeping to myself. I literally fell into depression at one point and just didn’t leave my bed for a while. Anyways, people just stop being as nice. This one person stopped talking to me cuz they thought I was deliberately avoiding them!! And another person just won’t stop bothering me and asking me to do some exam practice with them. I told them I’m not ready yet (twice) and they were literally like “right so any time this semester then?” So passive aggressive..I dunno 😞 anyways my question is how do you keep your peace? Like how do you just stop other people from being so nosy? It’s like if I miss one event, and the person asks me why - I feel like I end up over sharing and over explaining and I want to protect my energy. I know there’s no right answer but you seem like a very self confident person. And you really hold your own in conversations. So I thought it was worth asking you.

hey thanks for even thinking of me to come to for advice. i'm definitely not an expert on interpersonal relationships though i do work in PR but PR is literally the art of bullshitting people.. and it sounds like you don't need bullshit. you're def taking a lot on your shoulders, i remember how college can be.

honestly my best advice to you would be to learn to stop caring so much about letting people down. set boundaries and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having them. being a people pleaser means pleasing everybody except yourself.. when is anyone gonna put you first if you don't put yourself first? there's a difference between being a good colleague/friend and being a doormat.

don't get me wrong - the key to getting through college is to have a good group of people around you and help each other out. but that help has to be both ways. i'm not saying to cut everybody off and become a recluse, because i do believe building community and like networking to put it in finance bro speak is actually more important to a good college career and the job prospects you will get down the line.

but if people think that you will drop everything when they come calling or they sense that you want to be liked so bad you'd do anything to get their approval you're toast. be kind but firm. don't say sorry when you can't do what they ask - instead say "hey i have other stuff going. but maybe next time we can do x?" or present them with any other alternative.

for example if someone wants you to do exam prep with them and you can't, maybe offer them to share your notes/resources you used to study in the past. you don't have time to be their personal tutor but you can share what techniques you used. and if your personal life is getting too stressful then make sure to let them know that. it's not personal, we all have stuff we're dealing with and i'm sure they'll understand if you let them know.

all in all i'd say letting go of that need for approval is key to keeping your peace. do your own thing and let your needs come first. focus on yourself - try working out or going to a class or any other hobby that will make you release that stress you're holding on to. and don't think too much of it if people get upset with you at first, they have to get used to you setting boundaries first. but most of the time they come around after a while

[elllowe-daz]

Reminder to explain identity

Hi! I'm Daz!

NAME-

Both of my names are derived from my users.

1eleanorlowe/Elllowe- Elliot, Ell, Elly.

Dastard27- Daz, Ezzy.

I use Dastard27 for newer stuff, but this is my main blog!

GENDER-

I'm a trans guy. I go by it/he/any!

BLOGS-

I seperate blogs by my interests and the stuff i like. Dastard27 is my main, minnesota is for interacting with people, other ones should be self explanatory.

OCS-

I have SO MANY OCS(almost 200 that have finished stories teehee) THAT ITS AN ISSUE!! I'm the guy behind Whamst, helping with my friend's shows, i make stuff for friends, yada yada. If you wanna know about any of them i'll make a list!

HIATUSES-

I take breaks when I'm feeling burnt out. I'm currently taking a moment away from social studd just to talk with my closest friends, which is why you'll see lots of interactions with cleonardo320 and aguasentry.

MEDIAS-

I create works in many medias!

Oil paint- currently only 2 works

Acrylic- 5 finished paintings, iirc

Watercolour- numerous cards, small scenes and gifts

Alcohol Markers- same as watercolour

Pen and Paper- the vast majority of my art!

Music- currently i have 3 albums written, but I'm prioritizing the whamst soundtrack!

Writing- I've made 2 books but am too young to publish them. If you want long term content with my words check out moongal on ao3.

CSP/digital- I got a 2 year license as a gift. Quite a few pieces.

Animation- i do storyboards, animations, etc. not many are finished, and i mostly do these for vents or whamst stuff.

Voice Acting- i am a voice actor! I have put years of work into my voice acting. Please. Please. Please. Plea

Sewing- I've made a few skirts, gloves, shirts and dolls for myself! I'm currently learning how to make dresses<3

Cooking/Baking- this is something i do on the daily. Food is food.

DISABILITY-

I've got a few issues going on, mental healthwise it's some recurrent MDD, ADHD and GAD, but I'm working on getting diagnoses for my intrusive thoughts and lack of empathy.

Physically I'm not too messed up, but I've been stabbed a few times and my legs don't bend in very human ways.

OTHER RECOMMENDATIONS-

Check out cleonardo320 for beautiful art, my friend aguasentry too :3 i share quite a few universes with those 2 and love them deeply/platonic

[aamputation]

⏮〘 𝟘𝟝 〙⏭

The next day is a lazy one.

[...] They spend the rest of the morning lounging in the sun room, Eddie-monster content to lay against Steve’s side with his big head across Steve’s thighs. He’s rumbling away with his happy noises while they bask in companionable silence in the warmth of a sunbeam. Wayne stops by for lunch before he has to head in to work, taking Steve up on the open invitation he’d extended before they’d parted ways the day before. The older man has the courtesy to call ahead, unlike the pack of gremlins Steve’s gotten used to simply showing up at his house whenever they please. Having Wayne there with them fills Steve with a sense of family that he hasn’t had in a long time; Wayne is gruff like Hopper is, but his gruffness comes hand-in-hand with a softness that Hop still hasn’t managed to master—a gentle warmth that suffuses the atmosphere with a sense of easy affection.

“S’where’d ya’ learn t’cook like this, son?” Wayne asks from where he leans against the other side of the kitchen island, calmly watching Steve as he busies himself with making the pesto gnocchi for their lunch while a whole slew of marinara and hand-rolled meatballs are simmering off to the side for Eds’ heavily carnivorous preferences.

“Hm? Oh, cooking?” Steve shrugs, his eyes fixed on the pot in front of him as a small smile pulls at his lips. “Well, Mom and Dad started leaving me on my own when they had to travel for work when I was around… hm, fifteen? And yeah, they left me plenty of money to afford food for myself, but there’s only so much takeout, McDonalds, and awful Kraft dinners one can scarf for three square meals before you start to get so sick of it.”

Wayne hums in acknowledgement, absently patting Eddie-monster on the shoulder when the big lug bumps up against his uncle affectionately before he trots over to Steve’s side. Immediately, the fingers on Steve’s free hand sink into that soft, wild mane of hair-fur, the action eliciting that rumbling sub-vocal purr of pleasure from his monster as he continues to work one-handed.

“So, after a point, I started reading the cookbooks Mom had laying around. I even called my Gramma a few times for recipe help when there were words or phrases I had no clue about.” Steve chuckles as the memories rise to the surface. 

“There were a lot of failures at first, and I can’t tell you how many burnt meals I scarfed down to avoid wasting food, but after about a year I got pretty good at it. Started watching those cooking shows sometimes, tried to match the knife techniques and the proper movements the chefs were doing. Learned what mise en place was and started doing my prep work like that, too. I branched out to the more complicated stuff shortly after the skills I was working on started to become habits, and Gramma finally passed some of the old family recipes to me—which I’m bound to secrecy about on pain of death,” he looks over his shoulder at Wayne, a cheeky grin on his face, “her words, not mine, of course.”

Wayne laughs, full-bellied and robust, the sound filling the kitchen with warmth. Steve basks in it, feeling very much like a cat in a sunbeam–like how he’d felt that morning with his monster in his lap–safe and content.

: ̗̀➛ read the full chapter on AO3

shout out to adornedwithlight for the line divider + reblog banner

[hometownhorrors]

Someday I am going to look back on this post and mark it as a pretty major accomplishment. Let's see, disclosures up front. I have a lot of trauma, I often can't talk about stuff that has happened, especially if I feel I am "taking up space". It's like the dialogue options are grayed out.

It happened in childhood, got worse during a long bad relationship. I couldn't even explain my needs or wants, leading to just - not. I slaved away for other people, did nothing for myself, and burnt out on self neglect. There's a lot more to this, and I'll put it down on paper and share it as I go, but the important part for this project, is that I keep carrying it through.

I'm going to start creating art and work under my own identity today, instead of always using others to present it to the world. No more ghost writing, no more distancing my queer, trans, intersex, masc identity from my work, because more visible queer people is good.

I've tagged this with a few project names, and I am just gonna hold myself to weekly progress on all these little things I never worked on.. Including Hometown, which the blog was named after - a podcast about my old haunted home, which every queer person has.

I don't care if I get ANY listeners or viewers or attention at this point, I am unlikely to read TOO many comments, to avoid psyching myself out.

I'm autistic, I've got ADHD, I live knowing my expression difficulties may be more difficult than I think, as I go on through this-

But it was Chuck Tingle who made me think about it, his bag - well, this is my version of a bag, and a ski mask.

I had a tumblr, and it was associated with my OTHER WORK, which I do find *somewhat* dysphoric, to present very feminine and to do highly gendered creative work where there's constant reminders, kinda wasn't super healthy.

Burnt out, broke down, survived, and now I am going to get a youtube, and a twitch, and stream video games, and make silly video essays, and talk about being queer, and hunted, and from the worst place, and the darkest one too.

I am posting this, literally from hiding from my own family. Fortunately the people hunting me know nothing about me.

And they are hunting a girl. :P

ETA: And what I've learned from being allowed to exist as myself at last on the internet - at last - is that there are a lot more people who have been through things similar to me, than I thought. And I'd love if someone else thought that as I write some essays on hinterland capitalism, exploited populations (like the one I come from), and unhappiness within families. I'll try to warn for things, and I guess it's time to get some banners - and art- and colors. I am a BIT scared of being recognized, but I'm working on how - like, I don't owe anyone an extensive disclosure of all my creative work.

Hard to reinforce that.

[latetotheadhdparty]

Aw shit. Hello void.

Well. fuck where do I even begin. Maybe a blog will help me actually work through all of the feelings and issues I’m having, and if I don’t ever remember to update again, who cares? Certainly no one on this crazy ass website.

Where am I at right now? physically, at home, avoiding something I feel I should do but don’t really want to do. I mean, part of it is the ADHD and maybe there’s some Autism mixed in there too. I dunno. anyway. I should be going to do a thing that I used to enjoy, but then expectations are put on it and all of a sudden, it’s no fun anymore. One of my cats keeps trying to interrupt my train of thought by playing with the power cord and biting the corner of the laptop screen. He’s the himbo of the family, and very soft. Back to the internal monologue. I want to enjoy things, but my sense of time is so fucked up it just. doesn’t work for most people. I never feel my age and can’t remember my age because outside of the physical breakdown, I legit don’t feel it. Timeless is usually said as a positive connotation, but that’s not my feeling on it. Maybe I’m lost in time? Dr. Russell says that you knock 30% off your actual age, and that is about where you are developmentally. That doesn’t really feel right either. In emotional maturity, I’m definitely my age. Impulse control, not so much. not quite “eat the marshmallow as soon as the researcher leaves the room” but I did buy the new Lore Olympus print book right away even though I really need to stop spending money. I guess some of this developed into where I’m at mentally, and I really intended that to be a separate paragraph.

Here we go. Mentally, I’m at what feels like an eternal falling, kinda like Alice on her way to Wonderland. No wonder I relate to that stuff so much. I have a high stress job that I’m both phenomenal and awful at. Easiest way to explain it is financial crimes investigation. So I’m really good at recognizing financial patterns that indicate someone is on some bullshit, but time is a struggle. Investigating the right amount of time to get the right amount of info and not too much or too little. (I’ve often thought of my ADHD struggles as trying to find balance, not treat symptoms to oblivion) Remembering the number of days that have passed since I decided something was bullshit is always a struggle. I try so so hard to remember what time is. I have a clock that ticks but it’s not loud enough and doesn’t have an hourly chime. I have a smart watch that yells at me on the hour, but so often it just doesn’t register. I have a planner that I do actually manage to keep up with, and i’m so proud of that, but I can’t figure out where that “something missing” out of it is. I’m just. Falling, all the time, out of time. Fuck time. I’m so mad about society’s obsession with getting everything done now and everything being done within a certain amount of time, when there’s often no good reason for it other than “oh someone might get upset”. Fuck them, let them be upset.

I’ve always known that to be happy, you must experience sadness, anger, upset, etc. Otherwise how the hell would you know what it actually means to be happy?

I’m watching myself type in the reflection of my laptop screen. Sometimes I really love parts of me. Like my hands. I wish I could do more with my hands.

My therapist reminds me that it’s not too late to do so many things, but how do i find the time to dedicate to learning them? I’m definitely part of the burnt-out-gifted-kid group that was actually a sufferer of ADHD the whole time. It’s been so frustrating. I spent years convinced it was ADHD, and now that I have a diagnosis, of course I wonder... Is it REALLY adhd, or am i just a terrible person? Bad at adulting. Ugly, too much personality and not enough shut the fuck up. or is that RSD? Fuck, I just want to know who I am. That was a surprise with diagnosis. Nothing like having an identity crisis around the time most people have a midlife crisis. maybe the midlife crisis for normal people is a midlife crisis. I never thought i’d have to deal with any of this. No one asked me in school what i wanted to be when I grew up. When i changed high schools, I no longer got asked about college plans. I got ignored. That hurt. It still hurts, and I made it through college. took twice as long and at a later age, but whatever I guess. I see now what Dr. Russell means. I’m so tired of feeling so hurt about my life. It’s not even about comparing what my life has been to what other’s lives are like. It’s about the feeling of lost potential. I know that’s going to be with me forever. Anger at not being listened too as a kid. Misdiagnosis for forever. a medical system that doesn’t care about actually solving problems. “We have to start with conservative treatment first” okay, but that’s not going to FIX the problem. “I know, but that’s what insurance requires” Why are a bunch of not-doctors making medical decisions for me. Fuck them. fuck this country full of selfish assholes. Whose idea was it to make anything related to health care a for profit venture anyway. Fuckers are fucked in the head.

Speaking of anger, I need to stay off reddit. AITA posts about asshole dads really hit home. Therapist told me I should write my dad a letter, but how do you even... that feels so weird. I guess I’ll just tack it on here. Dear Dad, fuck you for replacing me. Fuck you for taking any credit for any of my success when you’re not only the reason I have ADHD, but also the reason I struggled so much throughout life. Take your six figure income and shove it up your ass. You didn’t help me with a god damned thing throughout my life that actually mattered. You never came to my school graduations, you don’t even send me a fucking text message on my birthday asshole. I don’t care if it’s late, because oh lookit that, we have ADHD, time is an issue for us! You just never made an attempt to care, especially after you remarried and got the family you always wanted. the family you just expected me to perfectly mesh into, and made absolutely no effort to understand why I stopped coming to visit. Maybe it was because you kept moving further and further away. Maybe it’s because you never even asked how I felt about some things, like when you gave my room away because you guys wanted a den and a living room, and to do that you had to move the eldest interloper into my room. I would have said yes if you asked. It hurt because you didn’t ask. You didn’t help me with my cars when shit went wrong, except for one single occasion where you used your employee discount on a windshield and we swapped vehicles for a week. Great deal there, I went from a subcompact to a suburban. I could literally put my car in the back of that stupid monstrosity (also, don’t think I didn’t notice that as soon as y’alls were down to one kid on her way out the door, you replaced that Chevy with a Lincoln). When I got braces, you never called to ask how it was going, and didn’t pay for a dime (even though you should have, and i should have gotten braces as a teenager). Your reasoning is you weren’t going to pay for any of us kids to get braces because you couldn’t afford to do it for all of us and it wouldn’t be fair. The truth is you just didn’t want to spend your precious money on anyone but yourself. The camper, the motorcycles, the fancy vehicles, I know how much that costs, and I know you did it at the cost of literal health care for your children. Fuck you, no wonder gramma and grampa are ashamed of you. They helped every time you didn’t. They gave you opportunities to help, and to no surprise, you didn’t. The interloper that took my room always felt slighted by me being the favorite grandkid, and how dare i get so much from them. Bitch you stole my fucking dad. So yeah, Dear dad, I should call you a sperm donor instead. Because that’s all you seem to be. You didn’t help me with anything, you never offered to help me fix my house, or a car. For god sakes, I talked about restoring one of the motorcycles and that you should come help me BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO OFFER A WAY FOR US TO BOND, not get told “well youtube has so much”. Jesus, my father in law picked up on it right away and is super excited for me to get the little motorcycle for us to spend some quality time together. My father in law is the dad i never got. Hell your brother is leaps and bounds better as a father than you ever were. God fucking damnit. Fuck you for all the hurt you’ve caused me, as well as gramma and grampa. I get they weren’t perfect parents either, but they sure as fuck didn’t deserve to feel so guilty because of your fuckups. The interlopers wanna know why I was the favorite? Guilt. Guilt is why. How’s that for a reason. While we’re piling on the guilt, how about the trauma of being named after someone who killed themselves? Thanks for that sperm donor. No wonder I hate generational names so much. My name was derived from someone who had the misfortune of having the same brain I do but before a time when men were allowed to go to therapy. Thanks for that reminder every time I think about my name, which is so out of pattern for my generation. I’m glad uncle is getting the farm and by default, everything on it. Mostly because fuck you, he deserves is. He actually tries to be a good family member. I’m glad you feel at least enough guilt you don’t want any of their money, and once they pass and I get the one thing you have I want, I’m never reaching out again. I’m so sick of being hurt by you. I’ll rewrite this letter and give it to you as a parting middle finger. You want to ever make it up to me, you reach out. Offer your time, offer to have me and hubs over for dinner, becuase that’s what i really fucking wanted all along. You were apparently too self centered to ever notice that. I know you think i’m a fucking gold digger child. joke’s on you, i’m the breadwinner and proud to be. When I have extra money, I do nice things for people just to see them smile, especially people I care about, because fuck you. I’m not you and will never be as selfish as you are. Mom talks a lot about how badly you wanted kids, to the point where I wasn’t really an accident. You have a funny way of showing it asshole.

Fuck him.

Okay, I see why my therapist recommended the letter. It’s not that I feel better, but it does feel lighter. My gramma saved my report cards, and the comments on it really drove home that the problem’s always been adhd. What’s more likely, an 8 year old with severe depression or an 8 year old with adhd and trauma. I could have been an architect. or an actuary. or an engineer. maybe i still could someday, but it’s going to take money i don’t have, since all businesses want college educated people without paying for their degree cost. Being smart with adhd sucks. I want to learn everything and do everything, but everything costs a ton of money and i can’t make my brain focus on something long enough to learn it without some kind of pressure. so all the lovely self guided courses? great, except I have no pressure to do them. FOMO eat your heart out, my ADHD whatifs blow you out of the park. If this does manage to show up for anyone, I’m not really looking for advice. If you happen to know some rich fuck looking for a pet creative, I’d love to just learn and create all day, but not at the cost of losing my house, partner, and pets. My house is my sanctuary, my partner is my rock, and my pets are my anti-depressants. My life has been filled with hurt and struggle and i’m so fucking tired all the time, but the good in my life i will absolutely hang on to.

I’m so exhausted.

[snickerdoodlesandsausages]

You are not dumb and have probably tried many things, but here’s what has helped me:

I absolutely cannot do intermittent goof-off rewards. I’m either in Work Mode or I’m not, and I can’t let myself out of Work Mode before I’m done or it’s over.

I often find it easier to get started if I have to accomplish a certain amount of Task before I have to leave to go do a fun thing that I will be sad if I have to cancel. It works best if it’s that day, but a day or two out can still work ok if the thing is exciting enough.

The fun thing can be seeing a friend or playing a video game or watching an extra episode or three of a show before bed, the important thing is that there is a limited period of time I have to accomplish the work and the promise of free time/friend time as the prize. If you have control over deadlines, try to give yourself ~half as much work as you think you COULD accomplish if you were Properly Dedicated, as it will decrease the chances of panic and despair and increase the chances of Extra Free Time, which is a) wonderful and b) will allow you to recover from adrenaline-fueled hard stuff, which takes a lot out of you.

I think there are 2 reasons this works for me:

1) race -> adrenaline for me, which is the only thing other than dopamine that will get me to do stuff, and

2) the thought of Infinite Work immediately makes my brain rebel. I need rest and playtime and if I don’t schedule enough of it every week and hold it as sacrosanct as any work obligation, I will take that time when I’m not supposed to have it. It’s ok to have goals, but “a year’s worth of work in a month by hyperfocusing for 8 hours a day” is not realistic and is a great way to get burnt out and injured if you somehow do it, and is a pointlessly discouraging way to think about yourself and your work if you don’t. Buying myself time to goof off with maximum delight and intention is much more motivating.

Another thing that helps is if I go to another place to work where I only have my work stuff, so that I can’t immediately act on thoughts of “I should really do my laundry” or “do I have enough milk in the fridge” or whatever, and I have to work around whatever I forgot to bring. Forgot my charger? Guess I have to get this done before my battery dies. Don’t like this song? I’m not in charge of the playlist anyway.

A third thing that helped when I had to do Infinite Notes for a history class was timing how long it took me to read and summarize each paragraph and work to get my times down. I started at 5 minutes, then worked my way down to 4 then 3 then sometimes I could do it in 2, WITHOUT doing it any worse; I learned how to pick out and write down what I actually needed to know much faster.

If there’s an equivalent “task that takes 5 minutes or less that you have to do a bunch of times” for any of the steps of Draw Comic (plan poses for one panel? Line art of one object? Flat colors on one object? Idk but you probably do) you might give it a shot. Don’t relax your standards, but I guarantee there is a bite small enough that you can do it right in that amount of time. You’re not here to churn out mediocre garbage, you’re here to achieve excellence efficiently. When you’re done, take 30 seconds for a deep breath, food/water, fix your posture/stretch, then dive right into the next one and try to do it faster and better so that your momentum doesn’t die.

Racing is a really tiring way to work, so don’t heap too much on yourself. Don’t do more than you need to meet your deadlines, and don’t work ahead without plans for your time off.

Does anybody know any faster ways to get yourself into Work Mode? The way I try to slowly build up momentum by allowing myself to just do nothing uninterrupted until the urge to get work done comes naturally doesn't work because my Doing Nothing can and will get interrupted, so it's like trying to build a card house while locked in an elevator with five ferrets who hate it in the elevator and want to get out but don't understand that you have to build the card house in order to open the door, so they keep knocking it over because they're bored and anxious and keep stopping you from doing what you all want to get done.