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sheepispink · 2 days ago

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A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT

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Masterlist AO3

pairings: Simon Ghost Riley/ Reader (platonic or romantic, up to you)

tags: probably loads of military inaccuracies, anxiety attacks (possibly?), heavy angst, angst and comfort, paranoia, bad mental health, cuddling and literal sleeping together (up to you romantic or platonic)

A/N: I’d appreciate if no one complained abt the accuract/realistic of the story (ofc if its the characterisation of ghost that’s perfectly ok!) i’m open for criticisation for how i write etc etc but this is a sensitive topic and.. based off personal experiences 😅😅 so it’s very realistic to me even if its not to you!

This technically takes place after this fic but it’s not a big deal in which the order you read it

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You’re an introvert, even if you do get excited really quickly, loud around people you’ve known for a while and love meeting new people. Yet still, you call yourself an introvert, even if that technically still makes you an extroverted introvert. You don't like the sound of an extrovert— someone who thrives off of others' attention and loves to be the center of it, who brightens their days with their friends and always wants to make plans with anyone and everyone. You like the attention sometimes; when Price mentions your name in a conversation, praising your skills, your heart thumps a little louder. Being at the limelight of the party isn't always the worst thing either, especially when everyone laughs at your jokes so hard they double over, grinning so wide you can't help it either. You love your friends, your teammates, even the random soldiers you’ve only exchanged small greetings with. The love for others is held tight in your heart’s vessels, bursting each and every time they make you smile or you just see their presence. You feel so warm and alive when you give them a grin in the mornings, even more so when they seek out your presence throughout the day.

Though, that only applies sometimes— never always.

A familiar soldier could ask you out to lunch and yet your chest begins to twist uncomfortably, like someone is wringing your intestines with their hands. Something screams at you when they say those words, like an invisible line had just been crossed that had been clear in everyone's heads. You had only ever spoken to those soldiers in the gym or around base, there was nowhere else even remotely personal you’d think to take them to. One on one conversations were not common either, since it wasnt that often. It’s not that you don't like them, it’s just.. not right. You’d shake your head apologetically as you force an excuse between your teeth. The regret you then express is a lie, along with the love you felt before— only reduced to a being who could never hold any of those things.

The truth is, you have a sick little parasite in you, it claws at that heart muscle, tearing away the flesh and devouring any love you feel for the people you care about and replacing it with an empty feeling which is always followed by an unreasonable hatred. Your mind grows dark, headaches permanent, as you live through the day as a skeleton of yourself— no longer able to hold any love within you as it slips past your bones in seconds. You don't like the boundaries you’ve mentally set for each person to be crossed, even if it’s a perfectly normal task. In fact, some may even say you’re scared of change. You don’t like to put a label on these things, hell you don't even like to think too hard on these things. It begins to make sense when you sit and reflect, piecing all the reasons for your behaviour together until you hit the final point. Soon you’re done, finally aware of the most significant reasoning behind your antics. The only issue is, being self aware doesn't mean you get any better; no matter how many nights you sit and stare at that mirror, nothing changes.

The only thing you gained was the ability to squash down the parasite from prying eyes. Excuses fall from your lips quickly, no matter how bad you feel when they give you that look of disappointment. It’s not your fault— you know you won't be able to handle an outing like that, you’d get too worked up. Why? You don't need to dwell on it, not right now. This continues for multiple people, multiple soldiers for two weeks, until you're ‘normal’ and you hang around others again. People begin to subconsciously catch on and so your little routine continues to carry on moving so well, staying right on track.

“Sarge? You aint comin’ to team night? Why?”

Ghost stands at the door of your quarters, dressed in his typical training attire whilst you’re sitting in something cozy, made for home wear. You have to fight the urge to cover yourself up. “Oh right.. i, uh..yknow, lot of paperwork to do. Thought i’d stay in.”

You say with a small smile, attempting to ease any concerns he had before but little did you know, he was already growing aware of your little issue, or at least the fact there was one within you. “Paperwork? On a Friday? You should be relaxin’.” You grit your teeth a little, the burning urge inside of your chest returning just like the sick pit in your stomach. It felt so awful fearing just a simple team night out, but it was just so late and you were so tired— you didnt have the energy to be rational the whole time, to think of your next move constantly.

“It’s not a big deal. I’ll come to the next one.” You shrug, turning back to your small desk as you pull another small stack of papers in front of you. His boots thump loudly against the floorboards, sounding like the heavy thump of your heart in your ears. It stops, suddenly, behind your back and your body stiffens as he leans down, looking at the paperwork you’re going through. It’s a lie— naturally, you finished it all. He doesn't even have to stare at you first nor visibly raise a brow; you’re already waiting for him to call out your bluff just as quickly.

“You can just say you want some time alone, yknow.” That catches you off guard, half expecting him to just tell you to stop whining and grab some drinks. His words were still difficult though, how could you easily just say that? Of course, the words itself aren't the hard part, nor speaking it—it’s the implications behind said words. An excuse means you have other things to occupy you, so no one dares to disturb you much after that, however explaining you want some alone time gives way to more questions. Specifically the first being: why? Then they begin to wonder if you’ve been doing okay recently or if you’re struggling with something. You dont like the idea of that at all— people thinking about you in that way. It feels weird, almost like it’s wrong. Sometimes you wished people would just not care, and leave you alone to wallow with yourself.

“Sarge?” You snap out of it, sheepishly scratching the back of your head as he still stands behind you and you turn in your chair, putting the best meek face you can on for the night. “What? No, that’s not why I declined. I’m not really feeling any alcohol today and a new episode of a series I previously binged on the weekend just came out. Sorry.. didn't want to make it seem i was ditching anyone for a show.” Perfect, an awkward grin had tied it all off into a well constructed excuse. Even if it was partially true and this really wasn't fake, it sure felt like everything you did was an act. After all, you really didn't want them to think you were ditching anyone, and you didn't feel like having any alcohol tonight. “A new series” He says gruffly, and you nod with a tight smile, teeth gritting so hard you’re sure they’ll break in a few seconds. “I’ll join you then.”

You blink once, twice, three times in pure utter confusion. Ghost—The Ghost, whose name is rumoured across the battlefield and known for never giving into idle small talk—wants to watch the series you lied about, with you.

You’ve never felt more guilty in your entire life, practically fumbling for a solution. You could just tell the truth, say no and admit you needed to be alone. But this is the first time he’s ever expressed wanting to hang around you, actually together and alone— and miss out on a team night?! He may just want an excuse out of it, but still, you can't just say no now. “Well yeah, i just..” You hate how there’s no easy way out of this in the slightest, torn between saving your own mental health or finally getting close to the teammate who you’ve been on eggshells around for nearly a year now. “My room’s not exactly clean--“

He cuts you off with a gruff, shake of his head, a scoff resounding in his next words, promptly embarrassing you too. “There ya go— knew you wanted to be alone.”

You fumble, not understanding how he managed to pry it out of you so fast, just a simple lie blowing your cover. “I said it wasn't like-“

“See you tomorrow.” He’s gone just as fast as he silenced you, heavy footsteps disappearing out of your door and down the corridors. What you couldn't wrap your head around is how fast he had figured it out and made you confess to your lies that fast— it was a real problem, something you couldn't just let slide. If he knew, did others too?

Unfortunately for you, the very much needed alone time didn’t help as well as it usually did considering this new information has threatened everything that made up the core of your very being—specifically everything keeping you glued together. You just couldn't sit there and possibly relax like you usually did when alone (more specifically think over everything you’ve done wrong until you quite literally fell asleep mid thought)— not when Ghost could clearly read everything you had ever thought about in your life.

That being said, you’ve been a nervous wreck all week, concentrating so hard on looking sane that you’ve barely paid a second of attention to things you should’ve listened to. It’s not like you slipped up regularly, but before that day you were already feeling pretty uneasy and now with still no relief and the added stress, you feel like you really might lose it any second now. Every time you see him, every word exchanged with your teammates—with another person—it eats at you, tugging further on the ropes you’re hanging onto. They’re already been pulled thin, especially since you’ve been put in charge of a group of rookies for the past few weeks now. Of course, you had pulled the short straw when assignments went round because not only did your group love to talk back, but they loved to test every limit by asking the most stupid of questions possible. It’s the second time now you’ve had to lecture one of the rookies about why you can’t just ‘throw a grenade at the enemies’. It’s only temporary, just basic training exercises and medical procedures they need to know until the Officer, who usually oversees them, returns from their sick leave.

You let out a long breath as you enter the small break room, also known as taskforce 141’s meeting room but they’ve let you lounge in here too many times to count. It’s quiet in here, Soap and Gaz both on missions and you assume Ghost must be too. It’s the first time you’ve been able to relax all week, knowing damn well Price is down in London with Gaz. Your shoulders sag, the miserable look returning to cover your features now that you don't need to pull that tight smile anymore. Your chest physically aches from how anxious you’ve been all day, the weight of the day’s mistakes and fears of the future swelling deep in your gut. You know it’s a Friday, know you should just take a long sleep but you can’t help but think about all you have to do for the days to follow. You’re busy the whole day tomorrow, a team outing you can’t deny no matter how much you really do not want to go. Just thinking of all the final work you’ll have to cram in on Sunday makes a splitting pain run along the bumps in your brain. Even your breaths begin to feel shorter, an uncomfortable feeling that you just still cant rid of no matter how long you take deep breaths. Your eyes are weighed down with exhaustion and yet your brain refuses to let you sleep yet. No, you cannot. If you sleep the night away then you’ll only have Sunday left for yourself, and that won't work out, will it?

You pick up the mug you had just stirred, hoping the drink would soothe at least something if not your dehydrated body. Taking a small sip, the hot liquid spills down your throat, leaving a warm feeling in your ribs. “Alone by choice or force?” A gruff voice rings out behind you, along with an arm reaching around to supposedly grab a teabag as well, is enough to make you flinch. Stumbling on your own feet, your mug jolts and the steaming water splashes against your shoulder. If you were worried about someone catching you so vulnerable before, you were certainly terrified now, especially since your skin was burning from a small startle.

“Fuck— sorry—“

Ghost’s gloved hand settle on one side of your waist while the other quickly takes the mug from your hands and places it upon the counter. You cant respond, barely processing the situation and everything just feels like too much and your skin feels so hot, you know he’s seeing you fall apart and still there’s nothing you can do—

Your thoughts snap to a blank when he presses the cold rag against your burning skin. Thankfully the layers of the training uniform stops any severe marks from forming. His other hand rubs your cheek, his mask so close it could brush your face, and you can actually see every speck of brown in his irises. You can't look at him for long though, moving your gaze away quickly, not when you know what you’ve done. For the past week or two you’ve hated him, painting the most horrible picture in your mind. It wasnt even on purpose, you’ve just started seeing everything wrong about him. He doesnt give the rookies much mercy, nor does he particularly entertain any of Soap’s antics even when the situation is pretty lax. He’s boring, he seems to care about nothing but himself somedays, he refuses to let you do something stupid and he never takes that damn mask off even when you’re all supposed to trust one another. You’ve lied to him, yes, forgetting about your hatred when he made you laugh with those gruff remarks. But he’s not the only one— no, you’ve began to hate everyone in this task force, picking at them and every little thing. It’s weird, you don't want to victimize yourself, because you know you’ve done just as much wrong too. But still, somedays you really can't look past the list of things you dislike about your own friends.

“Are you alright? I havent seen you all week.”

Of course he hasn't, you’ve been avoiding them all. It’s nearly impossible to think straight these days and you knew you wouldn’t be able to fake it so naturally, you just stayed away. The more you did it, the better it began to feel. Avoiding them was the solution— you were just the thorn in their side with your tricky mood swings and anxiety always painting them to be the villain. You couldnt just allow this to happen, to destroy them with your issues even if they had no idea about it.

But now, face to face with him, all you feel is unexplainable guilt for everything you’ve done to them— how could you even hate them for a second? His hand is still rubbing at your skin, nudging your face gently upwards just so you’d at least look at him for a second. “Really? The silent treatment now?.” He sighs and you hate yourself, how did you let this spiral to this point— to where he’s apologising to you and yet you wish you could just disappear. Isnt this what you wanted? For everyone to be kind to you? So why are you running— why do you refuse care?

Your lips press together as your teeth bite down on the soft flesh, torn from how much you’ve picked at the skin the whole week. It aches with anxiety, and your teeth hurt from how often you’ve clenched them so hard they scraped against eachother. The only thing you can do is stand there as Ghost fusses over you, trying to get you to move a damn muscle instead of falling apart silently like some kind of broken watch, unable to move forward or backwards. Just still.

“Sarge— snap out of it, look, I'm sorry. Okay?”

His hands are still on you, and you’ve begged for a day where someone would care this much about you and still, you step back, almost afraid. “I’m sorry, Ghost.” You croak out, your hands reaching up to your eyes as you wipe at your skin obsessively, trying to hide and stop anything from leaking. “Why’re you apologising?” He says gruffly, confused by all of this, this sudden onslaught of emotion.

He’s not stupid, he had a feeling you weren't quite yourself this week. Stupidly, he figured you’d just deal with it on your own. That's what everyone did, right? He knows he just takes a breather when he feels a little rough— even Price had his own battles. Comfort isn't a strong point for Ghost, not even when he was Simon Riley, never has and he never thinks it will be. He’s born and bred on violence and the coldness that comes after it, the lack of warmth even as hot blood trickles and emptiness consumes the space where his fellow soldiers should be. So watching you crumble right before him, apologising profusely while your body wracks with shaken breaths, makes something stop in him too. He doesn't know how he’ll do it, but he knows damn well no one fights alone anymore.

“Look at me.”

He says firmly, both his hands landing firmly on your shoulders, one hand even tempted to just force your chin up but you shake your head profusely. “Why not?” He stays patient for you, even if he knows he may have to force you soon— its the least he can do for you. “I cant look at you. Not after everything i did.” He pauses, hands now settling on your jaw in confusion, he knows this is moving towards an interrogation but he has to know. “What are you talking about?! What did you do?”

“I hated all of you! I avoided you all and destroyed our relationship, i fucked it all up.”

With that he cant stand to see this continue, a gloved hand firmly planted over your mouth as the other wraps around your back. He leads you to the couch even as you squirm, not caring in the slightest. He knows he has strength and not comfort, so he’ll use it to shut you up whilst the truth comforts you instead.

“Look at me.” He says sternly and you do, eyes snapping up with wide fear as you look at him. “That’s not true— okay? None of us consider our relationship with you ruined, not one of us has even mentioned you in a bad light at all.” He makes sure your whole body is pressed against the back of the couch, considering that you didnt particularly look as if you could hold yourself up right now.

“Soap has only talked to me about you once recently— he told me you helped him organize the training schedules for the rookies. Told me to thank you for it because he felt he did not express his gratitude enough. Do you understand now? No one’s mad at you– not one of us have even considered anything to have gone wrong.”

His hand grabs your own, settling it on the center of his chest so you can feel the pattern of his breathing, silently praying you’d try and match it. You can only blink at him though, slowly processing his words with each passing second until his hand leaves your mouth and your lips part, breath hitched before you swallow a sharp breath. “I’ve avoided all of you– i’ve been hating all of you.” You choke out, chest clenching with regret and the weight of unreasonable guilt and his other hand moves to hold your face again, his brown eyes piercing into yours with his silence.

“What is like to hate someone?”

“What?”?

“What is it like to hate someone?” He repeats, his thumb pressing gently into the curve of your cheek.

“I-...” You falter, thinking for a moment before your lips part again. “I dont like things that they do— the way they act and everything about them.”

“You’d avoid them too, right? Like that general you hated. Remember when he touched you and you pushed his hand away?

You nod along in agreement, breathing a bit slower to hopefully ease the pressure on your chest at the moment.

“Y-yeah.. i’d express my dislike clearly..”

“So why did you never push me away the past few weeks? You said you avoided us, but you would always speak to us if we needed to. You still helped Soap too.”

You pause, blinking at him in confusion now, you had convinced yourself that you hated them so why did you never.. actually express it?

“You’re also letting me touch you now and last week you didn't want to hang out with us, but you didnt want to hurt our feelings by saying that.”

You’re left silent, baffled and confused because in your head, you were being horrible to them, hating their guts like it was nothing.

“I think… whatever is going on in that head of yours.” He says slowly, tapping at your forehead gently as you look up at him with widened eyes. “You’ve held it in for too long. You’ve dwelled on those thoughts, so self aware of your own anxieties that you’ve distorted reality. You think you’ve done something bad, because you can't understand why you always feel so bad.” His voice is softer than usual, even if his words are still gruff and holds his thick Manchester accent.

Somehow that alone reminds you that Simon has never lied, not even once, to you. That stern voice of his is straightforward, doesnt mess around and forces his way through any problem. Just like he had just pushed himself to the root of your mind and destroyed your seeds of doubt.

“You’re allowed to talk to us you know. I have a funny feeling you’re scared o’ somethin’. Not sure what just yet.”

He doesnt force you to respond, just speaking his thoughts even if that’s what you usually do when you’re together. The couch creaks as he stand up, pulling you to get up aswell beside him. He places a hand on the crook of your back, gently encouraging you to begin walking towards the door. “Cmon, back to my room. Lets get you cleaned up properly.”

Before you know it, you’re sitting against the headboard of his bed, something you had only felt months ago when you first came here, scared and confused over a stupid hornet. You trusted him to help you then, but you dont understand why you suddenly felt that fear again. Meanwhile, your shirt is half off, Ghost sat on the bed beside you as he inspects the burns on your chest from the tea. It’s harsh, the skin reddened but not enough to be something serious thankfully. He presses a cool towel against it, soothing the stinging skin but he knows it’ll fade out soon enough. You’re wearing his old shirt, and he gave you some comfortable sweatpants too for good measure. You just watch all his moves so quietly, feeling like a ghost yourself in this moment from how detached you are. It’s weird, feeling so much yet nothing at the same time.

“Nothing too bad, should be alright by the morning.” He hums, lifting the fresh mug of tea he brewed for you and brings it to your lips for you to sip before he steals some for himself. “Is your chest still tight?” You blink, not expecting him to ask that of all things because you hadnt exactly mentioned that part and yes, it was. “How did you know..?” Your hand reaches out, silently asking for more of the tea he graciously lets you sip, unable to fathom how he brews it so perfectly each time. “You were clutching at your chest before and your breaths are a little shorter than they should be.” He’s seen straight through you again so you slump your shoulders and just nod quietly. “Yeah, it’s really tight. It’s always like this and i dont know how to make it stop.”

His gloved hand reaches out, gently rubbing at your chest thus making you sink a little back into the pillows. Before he can respond, you speak up with a quiet confession. “That day, when you came ‘round, I was upset. You said you wanted to watch the series with me and I felt so bad. I didn't want to give up my only chance of spending time with you, but I knew my head couldn't take it.”

He nods along quietly, letting you reveal it all to him. “T-then you figured me all out and i got scared— i didnt want someone to know everything about me because i didnt want to be a problem. I want someone to listen but i dont want to be seen as something different. I just.. i dont know how to handle all of this. I dont feel like the person i am when i look in the mirror.”

The strangest thing of all is that it didnt actually take you long to figure it out. You knew all along, of course, but when you’re fighting against yourself, you’re supporting both sides and so a part of you decided not to dwell on a certain bit of information too much. The reason for that to be pushed aside is no part of you wanted to face it.

Your heart always secretly wished someone would find out— that someone would push past the walls you’ve banged so hard against even if they were crafted by the webs of your brain. You prayed and prayed that they’d read through it all, express their concern and one day, one day you’d be saved from this hellish feeling. It was a common daydream for you and yet you were terrified of it. If someone knew, there was no guarantee they’d follow the fantasy. They could ridicule you, or they couldnt be able to comfort you at all, maybe they’d try and it wouldnt even do anything or maybe, just maybe— they wouldnt give a damn about it. What happened then? If that daydream was real, and that was the final outcome, there was no turning back in time. It seemed like only one person would ever figure you out, after all, no one had up until this point.

But then Simon became aware, and you got terrified. You hid away because you were too scared to know his reaction to your problems, even more so his reaction to you. You wanted someone to help, you really did, and yet your brain feared to know the uncertain future of it.

His ungloved hands card through your hair, the callouses gentle against your scalp as he slowly scratches at it. “You need to speak with us, and the others. Your feelings are real— hell, we all have our doubts. I used to feel it before every mission. Soap began to tell me his, then Gaz joined too. Price always looks for a way to solve it, and i give my two pence when i feel i want to. Just cause you feel different, doesnt mean you are. Plenty o’ people felt the same way you did before.”

“Really..? I’m not like.. crazy?”

“No, never. Even if you do some stupid shit sometimes.”

That makes you finally crack a real smile, even if its small and you’re unable to stifle the small chuckle that bubbles in your throat and although he’s the epitome of stoicism, he smiles beneath the mask. “Everyone’s out on a mission, ya can't leave me alone tonight. C’mere.”

You settle yourself in the crook of arm as he lays back against the bed with you, propping up his laptop on his lap as he searches for a good movie.

“You better report back to me everyday this week, alright? I want you here at nine pm sharp, dressed in your pajamas. That’s an order.”

Thinking over all your previous daydreams of how this would eventually go, this was far from how you expected it to be. Firstly, you never expected Ghost, nor it to happen in the military at all. Perhaps you thought maybe later in life it’d occur or maybe Soap or Price would figure it out. Either way, you arent actually upset over it. No one would be your fairy tale saviour in life, coming forward to fight the demons that plagued your head all the time. Even so, the way Ghost had shut you up and calmed you down makes you think he’s pretty damn close to being one, even if knights usually dont scoff at their princess.

He doesnt even look like he’d be willing to give a little kid a hug, but still, you couldnt be happier with how this turned out in the end. Compared to fairytale princes and men in the movies, you knew Ghost and you knew he was serious— so if he wanted to help you, he would. And no, he wouldnt ridicule you throughout the process, nor ever feel like you’ve been misheard. You know that if you spoke to Ghost, he’d listen earnesty and never forget, carrying that around with him even if those anxieties eventually died out.

You knew he’d always linger around, never forgetting you or leaving you behind. Just like a Ghost.

“Okay, i promise i will.”

You say softly, pressing your cheek against the curve of his chest, the faint thump of his heartbeat drowning out any lost thoughts. He was your support, and no matter how bad it got for you, no matter how many times you get overwhelmed and lash out, not even when you avoid everyone— he’d never break away. No, he would always be beside you.

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spacecatdraws · 1 day ago

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oh. this is interesting…

random personal lore drop below

(tldr: I don’t believe I can be a real system but I’m sure as hell not normal)

TW: (minor mentions) gvns, r@p3, d34th, (major mention) su1c1d3

I called myself endogenic because I don’t qualify as traumatized.

let me explain.

I’ve had anxiety, depression, ADHD, and other unidentified issues for my whole life. I roleplayed because it was my escape, life made me want to stop living so why would I stay there? When I was writing or drawing I was those characters, buried in their minds, filling in their bodies, but something would pull me back to reality and I’d feel it crumble. Some characters stayed longer than others. Slowly, I found out they weren’t character’s I had just made up; they were my theriotypes. I left it at that, that I was just a polytherian. But I’m not my types. I share a body with them. I have conversations with them, they care about me, we cuddle as best we can when there’s only one body to share. I love my parents. I love my friends. But life has always been terrifying to me. Sometimes things I’d never experienced would make me cry and hyperventilate. Gunshots make me freeze up and stop breathing. Mentions of sexual assault, of rape, of murder make me want to throw up and cry. Child abuse and childloss make me vengeful like I have nothing but rage. Labels and rules make me sick and dizzy. Poisoning and sickness make me feel like I’m drowning in them. I can’t recognize myself sometimes. My body isn’t mine. I always assumed I was just an odd therian. i learned about systems, and they described the things happening in my head. Some days I tie the door to my room shut because I want to starve and die and crumble so badly. But I always said to myself “my family and friends are fine, so I can’t be traumatized. It’s all in my head, and I’m a failure and a faker for ever thinking that I could be anything else. I’m just being a poser and hurting these people who have been through so much worse.” I believed so deeply that my issues were insignificant and that I didn’t have nearly enough mental problems to be a true system. I said to myself “I don’t have trauma. So I can’t be a DID system. But system is so comforting of a label, so I must be endogenic, and therefore I shouldn’t talk to anyone about my issues because I will just be taking away from people who truly are traumatized.” I never felt like I belonged in supporting spaces because I never got raped or shot or manipulated by my family or friends, even though those things dragged flashbacks from lives I never had, memories from the others in my body. My parents loved me, and my friends cared about me, so I wasn’t traumatized. I have no trauma, so I didn’t deserve to be in those spaces.

There are six of us. The host tries their best to take care of us, but takes out their emotions through cutting and starving themself. This isn’t my body. These aren’t my parents. I can tell these people care, but they’re not mine. I can’t remember what I did for most of the day. It’s all just fog. Fog and static.

If all endos are fake and posers, then I must be one too. Even though I hear my packmates, the others in this body, I love them so dearly, and I can feel their limbs and the memories are so strong it hurts me physically.

I can’t be truly traumatized, right? Not if my family was good.

Not if my friends were nice.

Even though this world makes me want to hang myself…

I don’t count as traumatized enough to be a true system.

I am nothing but a fraud.

ENDO LORE?????!????

#space rambles #cosmo lore #i had a breakdown writing this I think #plural system #plural #plurality #anxiety #tw sui #tw rap3 #ranting #poems from the void

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lovelyshu · 2 days ago

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han jisung and yn being absolutely in love with each other for 5 minutes — [1.3m views]

description. Cute moments caught on camera between han and yn

tags. f!reader, gidle!reader, maknae!reader, use of yn, gidle has a video with skz of competition, reader calls him oppa like once

comments. I have nothing to say, these are just some random scenarios I thought about and wrote. Please enjoy! <3

✰ first clip

During an award event, yn was yet again lost in the crowd. And the other members were trying to find her, even if discreetly.

But then, one of the cameras caught yn bumping into someone. Well, that someone being han jisung.

It was clear even from a distant that both of them got embarrassed by it, quickly bowing and apologizing.

Both of them stayed there awkwardly smiling, until han grabbed his phone to show yn something. To which she excitedly typed something in, before seeing Shuhua running in her direction.

Saying a quick goodbye, she ran off to shuhua's arms, having to listen to a scold and a teasing about always being lost.

What the camera did not caught was their conversation.

“You got his number?!”

“Yess!! I'm literally dying right now!”

“If he says anything bad to you I'm hunting him down all over Korea!”

✰ second clip

As the chk chk boom challenge went viral, a lot of idols were quick to do them. That meant that yn was also doing it.

In the clip, yn is seen trying to hold back her laughter, standing right next to han who was with the same expression waiting for the chorus to begin.

Yn did the challenge with han smoothly, until she messed up at the very end, making both of them burst out in laugh.

Laughing, yn lost the strength to keep standing on her legs, now almost falling to the floor.

Well, until han almost ran (even if they were already pretty close) to her and caught yn on his arms, still laughing.

It's very hard to see due to the camera, but if you squint your eyes hard enough you'll notice a tint of blush on jisung's face, and yn slowly getting more flustered if not for the video ending.

✰ third clip

During han's one kid's room, one of the topics were about people he really cared about.

As the conversation went on with mentioning all of the members and his family as well, until jeongin remembered of someone.

“Isn't there yn too? He's always talking about her.”

“Oh yeah you're right, han never shut ups about her.” - Hyunjin continued, all of them now laughing at some inside joke.

When it was jisung's turn to talk, he said almost the same thing, until he looked down for a moment smiling, suddenly feeling shy.

“There's also yn. We talk a lot and she's probably the closest person I have outside the group and my family. She's very special.”

✰ fourth clip

Gidle was in an interview, answering fans questions about their songs, life, future comebacks and the usual.

Some of the questions were directed to specific members. And one of them being "Does yn have someone she really loves apart from her group?"

Thinking for a moment, yn smiled without even noticing, excited to answer the question.

“Yeah! I really love han from stray kids. His very friendly and kind, I enjoy his company a lot.”

The other members looked at her with widen eyes, a surprised smiled on all of their faces, making yn confused. Until she understood what it might have sounded like.

“I-I mean that in a friend way! I love him as my friend!”

And that was all it took for them to start laughing at her, soyeon even holding on her shoulder lightly.

✰ fifth clip

Felix was recording a vlog, filming the backstage before one of their shows. Everything was chaotic as usual, as he talked about the show.

Suddenly, han came out of a room, not noticing the camera. Felix went silent as he pointed the camera to the man, now hearing what he was talking about.

“Have yn called to any of you? My phone is almost dead so turned it off. She said she would call me before the show begun.”

He continued to talk about the idol, until noticing the camera, making him freeze for a moment before slowly waving at it, an awkward and shy smile on his face.

Jisung was already walking away, regretting his life decisions, and wanting to disappear even more as Minho shouted to him.

“No, she haven't called yet!”

✰ sixth clip

Miyeon was filming a vlog of how their day was going. Yuqi and shuhua were talking on the couch, while soyeon and yn were no where to be seen.

Searching for them, miyeon caught the sight of yn sitting on the corner of the room, hugging a little quokka plushie, a photocard and cellphone in hands.

Giggling to herself, she approached the girl, who quickly noticed the camera and was desperately trying to hide the objects.

“Hi miyeon unnie! Do you need anything?”

“I'm just filming our daily life. What are you doing?”

Yn stared at her with a dumbfounded smile, pressing a few times on the screen before showing it to her unnie.

“I'm listening to our songs.”

Miyeon knew she wasn't, but not wanting to make the poor maknae die on camera, she just nods, walking away to continue the filming.

✰ seventh clip

The first time gidle had managed to record something with stray kids, it was a competition between the members.

They formed seven teams with two people, han and yn being paired up together.

After some games and a lot of chaos, the next game they had to play was one in which, two teams will compete, trying to pull the tail from one of the members.

The one who manages to pull the tail out of their clothes first wins. And the final teams to play were han + yn and shuhua + jeongin.

It was the final round, and yn was the one with the tail, while han was mostly trying to protect her and avoid the other two to get too close.

After around thirty seconds in running around, yn managed to pull the tail from jeongin, making both of them cheer in excitement.

Without thinking twice, jisung and yn ran to each other for a hug, staying there for a long moment before pulling away, a slightly timid expression on both of their faces.

✰ eighth clip

At the music bank program, yn had the opportunity to be one of the mcs for a short period of time.

During this time, stray kids went to the program. Yn was doing an amazing job at being the mc, to which jisung complimented.

Feeling shy from his compliment, yn thanked him, clapping her hands together to avoid looking too timid as she smiled.

“Thank you jisung oppa!”

He mirrored her smile, as the other members laughed a bit.

After a few seconds of talking, seungmin bumped into han's shoulder, not saying anything, but a smirk forming on his face.

Han only looked away, embarrassed by the tease, without saying anything as well to not get the attention of anyone else.

#೯⠀⁺ ⠀ 𖥻 single ⠀ᰋ #kpop #kpop x reader #female reader #han jisung #han jisung x reader #han x reader #jisung x reader #skz #skz x reader #stray kids #stray kids x reader

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rewiringtoheal · 3 days ago

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This Pain Is Temporary

Anna x Fem!Reader

He's Just Not That Into You AU

Summary: I was watching this movie and had a lot of what if questions. What if the main cast actually all communicated with each other? What if Anna actually had some character development? What if Reader was a variation of a female Conor Barry who got a clue? And how would these differences lead to Anna genuinely falling in love with Reader.

warnings: very slowburn, angst, worse before better, eventual fluff.

You feel used. This person that you love…loved?? You aren’t really sure anymore of your feelings toward Anna. It was never simple with her. And truthfully, you wish you could go back to your blissful ignorance.

You had been so thrilled when she told you she was finally ready to take the next step with you. A real relationship with the girl of your dreams. Having your heartfelt love confession be returned and then making love for hours was more than you ever could have hoped for.

You now knew it was all a lie. And that Anna was a very skilled actor. In your excitement you had raced home the next morning to tell your best buddy Alex and his new girlfriend GiGi the news. After showing them a picture of Anna and you. The night of bliss quickly turned sour; GiGi hesitantly told you that Anna was the same woman that had a very recent affair with her best friend's husband. And everything the past few months had started to make sense. How Anna would constantly ignore your calls but somehow always be available when she needed her emotional needs met. And finding out that the only reason she wanted a relationship with you was because the man of her dreams wouldn’t leave his wife was heartbreaking. How could you be so stupid? And how could you be so blind to the type of person Anna really was.

You felt a hand squeezing your knee bringing you back to the world around you. You see GiGi’s hand retreating and her eyes filled with sorrow. You muster up a strained smile.

“Well, at least I had my dream girl for a moment even if it wasn’t real. Looking back, I kinda see now that she treated me like shit but I was so lost in her. I can’t believe I was so blind to her selfishness. And now this…I don’t think I ever really knew her at all,” you say somberly.

Alex let out a deep sigh, “Dude I don’t really know what to say. She did really shitty things but maybe she's not a shitty person. The moments you had together weren’t all fake. The parts of herself she showed you are probably real. And you can love those parts and still be hurt that she lied about her feelings for you.”

You give a weak chuckle, “You’re right..but I don’t know how to deal with this. I do still love her even if she used me. I see it so clearly now. I’m the back up plan. The person she really wanted hurt her so she chose the safe option.”

Gigi looked at you, her eyes filling with sorrow, “Sometimes people don’t know what they have until it's gone. She is making awful decisions and it’s hurting everyone around her. Deal with this by loving yourself first. I know it's hard but she doesn’t appreciate you. And only wants you when she has no one else.”

That was hard to hear but Gigi was right. You need to take care of yourself. For months you have been putting all of your energy into Anna. Being there for her emotionally, picking up her dry cleaning, giving her rides, and loving her to the best of your ability. All to realize that she never really cared about you, not even as a friend. A friend wouldn’t play with your feelings like this.

You continue to chat with your friends for a little while longer. Eventually you grow too sad and too tired to keep up the conversation. You excuse yourself for the night and head up to your bedroom. Not in the mood to do your night time routine you just chuck off your clothes, put your cellphone on your night stand and cuddle under the covers.

Your mind keeps turning in circles as you lay there. The happiness you had felt earlier today has turned into a deep sadness. And for the first time since Gigi told you about Anna you allow yourself to cry. As silent tears move down the contours of your face you burrow into your pillow; just praying to yourself that you can fall asleep. Anything to stop the pain.

You briefly wonder if Gigi’s friend Janine is in the same state you are right now. You know more than likely she is worse off than you. Janine's entire life is in shambles. Her husband is awful no doubt about it but you just can’t wrap your head around Anna getting involved with a married man. Nothing makes sense anymore but maybe you never had a clue to begin with.

#Scarlett johansson x reader #natasha romanoff #scarlett johansson #natasha romanoff x reader #he's just not that into you

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1doesnotsimplyhavejust1fandam · 2 days ago

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The Buckley siblings’ endgame relationships both being best friends to lovers is soooo fitting.

These two siblings who grew up really only having each other as a support system. Who were beaten down literally, verbally, or neglectfully for so much of their lives. Who never had anyone fight for them the way they do for each other.

And then they find these two men. These two men who are part of their growing L.A. family. Who welcome them into their lives, who are as desperate for connection and for someone to see them as the Buckley siblings are. Who are unendingly gentle and supportive of the people they love, would never hurt the people they care about more than anything. These two men weasel their way into the Buckley siblings’ hearts until they can’t remember life without them by their side. Their family becomes the Buckleys’ family, and their sibling becomes these two men’s family too. They become a unit unto themselves, and their other family thinks of them as such. They’re partners in every sense of the word, but they were friends first. They have a foundation of mutual respect, trust, and joy, and their relationships can withstand any test.

There’s plenty of arguments for these two relationships never being just best friends, but Madney and Buddie certainly have spent time building their friendships into a relationship, and I adore that. Maddie and Buck having their best friends as their endgame makes so much sense because who could understand them better than their best friend? Who else could see every part of them, every hurting piece, and still love them so completely?

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thatonebirdwrites · 20 hours ago

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This dude has been getting the word out about LongCovid. His articles are fantastic and I recommend all of them. His digging into the research is excellent.

This talk is lovely, and he tackles the impact of Covid in an amusing way.

He digs into the anger and guilt. He's done so much for the community, and this talk digs into his work. Digs into the pain and suffering so many turn a blind eye to.

Thank god for him.

I am exhausted, I am isolated, I am often forgotten by community, I cannot get out on my own anymore. I have an energy-limited disease that often leaves me bedridden.

I understand being exhausted by this, but me and tens of millions of others can't escape it. So we talk about it because we need support. We need resources. We need community, and yet society has essentially abandoned us.

I have LongCovid. It is a nightmare. It has destroyed my mobility, destroyed my immune system, and restarted up chronic conditions that had been in remission.

(Yes, Covid hurts the immune system -- see the link at the end with the database of studies, the sources are in there. T-cells in particular are damaged by Covid, and those are crucial for the immune system.)

LongCovid doesn't really go away. I've had it for over three years.

Covid's ability to restart diseases in remission (even cancer!) is not talked about enough.

One of my close friends died because Covid brought her cancer out of remission; she said to remind everyone that if she dies, it was because of LongCovid. (Again see that link to the sources for the research on how covid does this, I do not have the health to input in all the links directly.)

There are tens of millions of children and adults with LongCovid. And yes, children are impacted in harmful ways.

The denial and abandonment has made an entire generation of immuno-compromised kids, and no one knows yet how that will impact their development. What we do know is that Covid and LongCovid does negatively impact children's bodily systems.

Not masking, not vaccinating, not funding research to fight Covid and LongCovid, not crafting more reliable and accurate covid tests -- all of this is killing and disabling entire generations.

Why is this okay?

Surely people are not okay with mass death and disablement? Surely people are not that uncaring and callous?

And yet I have had people try to rip off my mask. Who gleefully tell me they do not mask and do not care to mask. That goes beyond denial. That is violence. Yes, not everyone is that horribly violent, but the alarming amount of people who are? The alarming amount of people in positions of power like that?

It's anger-inducing but also terrifying.

I get how hard it is to face difficult things. But if we do not face the hard things, we cannot move forward and we end up complacent in eugenics and mass death and disablement.

We can't ever build a better world until we care for one another.

But we cannot care for one another unless we engage in pandemic mitigations like masking, vaccination, air filtration, washing hands, and building better and more accurate tests.

Community cannot happen without these layers of protection.

So when people tell me they don't mask, this is what I hear: "I am either in denial or I do not care about those around me or about my own health."

I'd like to believe people care. I'd like to believe people struggle because of fear and denial rather than being heartless and uncaring.

And yet, people and our government doubled down on denial. Where protections were destroyed. Where funding was taken away. Biden had four years to repair and rebuild the Pandemic Mitigations and Task Forces (Obama had bolstered these so we've regressed.) Instead, Biden choose to adopt Trump's strategy of claiming we won against it, that the pandemic was over. He pushed for policies that favor profits over the health of our communities.

The claim the pandemic is over are lies from our government. The pandemic never ended. Covid still evolves and still infects and still damages multiple body systems. The more you get covid, the higher your chance of LongCovid, which is massively harmful, disabling, and sometimes deadly chronic disease.

We could have fixed this. But instead, our government, our so-called society, choose denial. Why? If you examine what the CDC and Biden's office has says over the last four years, you'll notice a callousness toward disabled people. (Ed Young ripped apart these words in many of his articles too. I dropped articles of others doing the same in my database below, which is searchable.)

We've seen this abandonment before with other diseases, especially ones that impacted communities society doesn't like. People have analyzed and compared the response to AIDS to LongCovid, and showed how the abandonment tactics are used in both.

Nowadays, we fought hard to build up resources to those suffering from AIDS. LongCovid sufferers have no resources. Not yet. We need to galvanize community to fight back against that abandonment.

There is no cure for LongCovid. There is no treatment that reliably works. Most of the so-called LongCovid clinics I've researched engage in often out-dated and proven harmful practices that force us to engage in extensive physical therapy.

Except LongCovid is an energy-limited disease. Exertion means collapse. The more we exert, the harder our body has to work to get oxygen to our cells, and studies (and lived experiences) keep showing that extensive physical therapy makes the disease worse.

So no, we have no resources. There often isn't any groups or services in town that help us.

The so-called "disability services" that exist for disabled populations are underfunded, understaffed, and not trained on layers of protection or on energy-limited diseases. So often such services exacerbate the illness rather than assist it. These services are often inaccessible, especially to us bed-ridden with an energy-limited disease. They also do not offer anything that can help manage the disease. At best they might offer help with cleaning or bathing, but that's about it.

Treatments that actually work for LongCovid does not exist, not in America, and not in most of the world. So again, no resources.

Support groups for people are mostly nonexistent or they are inaccessible. Those too ill to fight for access are left with nothing.

So many have been left to rot in isolation. Many have died alone.

If we don't care for one another, then how will any of us truly survive the horrors?

With Trump back, we cannot trust our government. I'm not convinced we ever could as me and many disabled people had watched (and Ed Young covers in his articles) the government's slow abandonment of entire communities.

I get it. The work is hard. It's very hard to make sense of all this.

I get that many of us are being gaslit by not only those in denial but even by the President of the USA. It hurts and makes it even more difficult to move forward or know what is truth.

But we do know the truth.

We can find that truth.

Love and care illuminates truth.

And love and care requires us to adjust our behaviors. We cannot care for one another unless we change our behaviors.

If we wish to survive the pandemic and fascism and mass abandonment, we must care for one another, and that means engaging in layers of protection.

Layers of protection includes vaccines, N95 (or better) masks, air filtration, improved tests to be more accurate and reliable, and hygienic practices.

This is something People's CDC builds up (a community-led group that analyzes the research and makes the information accessible to us. Who does what the US's CDC does not do anymore.)

This is the People's CDC's excellent guide to safer gatherings.

Yes, this requires work, but if you do these tasks with other people, where the community shares the burdens of these tasks to spread it out, it becomes easier.

This is what accessibility looks like. This is what care and love looks like. This is how we protect ourselves and our communities.

I simply do not have the spoons to input in the research links for my sources, so here is a link to a database I keep updated of research over the years.

I honestly don't know how to convince people to care for one another.

But that's what we desperately need as a society. To stop living in denial about the pandemic (about climate change and rise of fascism too), and to start caring for one another by getting vaccinated, wearing masks, improving air filtration, etc.

Anyway, that's my thoughts.

Be safe. Care for one another. Protect one another. We only have each other.

youtube

Seriously excellent and even uplifting talk by Ed Yong. HIGHLY worth your time!

Yong is a Pulitzer-winning science journalist who's written (among other great things) some of the best, well-informed and empathetic coverage of COVID and Long COVID since 2020.

—

I can't highlight any one part; the whole thing is great. But one thought I had was that he shares this important anger that's often present in empathetic, deeply caring people — Terry Pratchett comes to mind, for example. Sagan, Miyazaki and others, in other ways. It's an anger that's difficult to carry and should not be romanticized. But I feel grateful to people like this, who are able to funnel into work that helps others and enriches all of our lives.

#Ed Yong #science journalism #long covid #covid #Sharing my own story and thoughts #safer gathering guide #people's cdc #community care requires layers of protection #vaccines and masks and air filtration needs to be normalized #We need to build up resources and stop leaving people to rot and die #i wrote an essay but whatever #I'll forever yell about this #because it's not okay to abandon whole populations #We are all in this together

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dribs-and-drabbles · 1 day ago

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I'm in a dodgy hotel with bad wifi and somewhat bored, so I thought I'd come up with a list of things that I wish I could get from GMMTV but I know I won't.

A reveal towards the end of a series that two friends of the main couple have been dating the whole time (think Warm/Cop from Perfect 10 Liners or Mick/Beer from We Are).

Fourth and Gemini in something more serious like Moonlight Chicken.

POLY. DAMMIT.

Lift and Papang playing father and son. (Look at their beautiful faces!). And let them both have romances.

Older queer romance as the main storyline - and when I say older I mean actual 40+ and not a 'second chance at love because first love left/died' but just two people who never really found their person meeting later in life and clicking.

Dance themed but with actors/actresses who can actually dance - and preferably contemporary dance (I don't know if you realise how homoerotic that can be) but it could also be traditional Thai dancing (rather than tpop/idol style).

Short-haired/butch Sapphics.

Produce Jeab's swansong series.

A character/storyline which makes AMPLE use of Phuwin's Mandarin and English (or any other actor proficient in other languages) - shows include thai subtitles for northern dialects so why not more than the usual token foreign language.

In fact, I'll go further to say: Utilise the different languages of the foreign actors who play supporting roles rather than make them speak English and try to fob them off as American. If they're Italian, let them speak Italien. If they're Dutch let them speak Dutch. Etc.

MIX-UP BRANDED PAIRS. Book/Drake. Fluke Nattanon/Inn. Or Fluke Nattanon/Ohm Thipakorn. Jimmy/Mix. (You see my vision). Satang/Title. Victor/Great. JOONG/OHM PAWAT. (They might be TOO powerful). Etc, etc etc.

Take Max from Be My Favourite as a foundation for a lead character for Aou.

GIVE PEPPER A FAEN.

Nanon and Mark Pakin leading a bl. Look I'd even take a bromance if Nanon doesn't want to do bl. Better still if Nanon is in drag/cross-dresses/is a trans woman. This must be serious though. Not played for laughs. (I'm thinking an aged up version of the sides in About Youth).

MORE POSITIVE ASEXUAL REP.

DEAR GOD let AJ and JJ lead a show together. Maybe a comedy bl/het with either mistaken identity or deliberate confusion because they're pretending to be one person but fall in love with different people/genders.

Jus Justina in another show. Preferably leading. (She screenwrites and directs, so might not act again).

More Ployphach…maybe with Jan in a GL if she'll do one.

Peaceful Property Our Skyy 3 edition with their friends-to lovers story set 6 months after the end of the show.

An unhinged female ensemble show - I don't care if it's romance or not, I want badass women working together or in support of each other other. Maybe with JoJo directing.

POPPY.

Please and thank you 🙏🏽

#gmmtv #gmmtv 2025 #gmmtv series #thai bl #thai drama #bl drama #these are things I know we won't get #so if we don't then I WIN #but also if we do!!!...then I ALSO WIN!#it's a win win type of bingo #look I KNOW poppy isn't even signed at gmmtv #but you never know when he's gonna *ahem* pop up #and this IS a list of things I know I won't get so...#oh and when I said 'I'm in a dodgy hotel' it was actually on tuesday evening #but I couldn't post it until now

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youshouldjustliveinmychurch · 14 hours ago

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Symbolism of Jinx's Hair

*Arcane spoilers*

CW: Violence, self-harm, suicide

OH. MY. GOD. So so so many thoughts, but for now a few quick thoughts on the symbolism of Jinx's hair.

-The bangs are there the whole time and represent her relationship with Silco since we see young Silco with similar bangs. (credit to Tik Tok for that).

-After Isha's death, Jinx's very long hair is completely undone from its braid. This calls to mind Rapunzel, perhaps symbolizing that in her depression Jinx is isolated in the tower of her mind and - maybe - needs someone to rescue her but it's difficult to reach her unless she tosses her hair down and lets someone in. Problem is, Jinx doesn't feel worthy of letting anyone in. Silco, while well-meaning, is reminiscent of Mother Gothel, who keeps Rapunzel trapped by teaching her to act a certain way. The hair is unbraided, which symbolizes the loss of her identity as Jinx. Her inability to form and be comfortable in a distinct identity not explicitly attached to another person leads to a lack of self-worth that causes her death.

-THEN she cuts her hair to the length it happens to be when she's powder in the other timeline. This symbolizes a reversion to - not necessarily her old self (too much has happened) - but to someone closer to who she would have been without so much trauma. This is the point when she's about to *you know* and Ekko manages to stop her. The sad thing about Jinx in the current timeline is that her identity has become irreparably tied to other people because of her trauma so she doesn't think she has any value on her own. First she (and her identity as a younger sister / daughter) was linked to Vi and Vander, then attached to Silco (as a daughter). When she loses Silco, she loses her identity, until she once more finds an identity in being a sister / attaching to Isha. She thinks she has value by playing that role. When she loses that, she once more loses her sense of identity and worth because she's never been allowed to grow up / form one on her own because of her trauma. That's why her "sacrifice" in the end is such a tragedy and not actually something to be admired. It all stems from her lack of valuing herself, which is a tragedy. The Powder in the other timeline is different because she's had time to form an independent identity and sense of self-worth which we can see demonstrated by her clothes and the fact that she's not very susceptible to the slight pressure from Vander and others to be more ambitious and live up to her potential. The ONLY thing that makes her help Ekko is the fact that Vi is alive in the other timeline. She expresses her love in her own way by creating something contrasted to how Jinx expresses her love for Vi by destroying herself. Also, Ekko is the only one who can reach her in that moment and stop her self-destruction because he sees her soul - the real Powder. It's like the difference between friends and family. We love our families. They are (good or bad) important. But they have preconceived notions about us and our identities related to them. Our friends, on the other hand, CHOOSE us. They choose to be around us (ideally) because they like us for who we are in our natural state.

-When she zooms up with Ekko, her hair has been changed yet again. She keeps the bangs (representing Silco) and has dyed a streak purple (to represent her and Vi together - pink + blue and also VIOLET). The rest, however, is jaggedly cut off close to her head. Instead of this representing an entirely new identity, I see it as representing the hope and POSSIBILITY of a new, more authentic identity growing (see hair growing) while still keeping the foundation of her care for the people she loves. The hair is cut jaggedly and isn't necessarily beautiful or put together by typical standards, but it doesn't have to be. One of the main themes of this season is that "brokenness" is essential to who we are and isn't always a bad thing. As Ekko says, it's a chance to build something new. Unfortunately that never happens because of the consequences of trauma.

I'm not sure I agree with Jinx's death because on the surface it feels like the tired trope of villain / morally grey character is redeemed by sacrificing themselves for someone else. Personally, I think it's much more powerful to have a character take responsibility for themselves while also forgiving themselves. I concede that this was done in a really nuanced way. The thing is, I don't think we're actually supposed to read Jinx's death as a heroic act that redeems her. Instead, it is more in line with the themes to read it as a horrific suicide caused by trauma, oppression, and a lack of self-worth/identity. In that split-second decision, Jinx reverts to all that she knows and has been taught, even though for a moment she did have a shot at a new identity. She chooses to die because she doesn't value herself / doesn't know who she is and has been taught all her life that you show love through violence (even if it's violence in protection of those you love). With as clever and innovative as Jinx is, don't tell me she and Vi couldn't have figured out another way to best Vander. It makes sense to read this moment as an avoidable, tragic suicide because Jinx is clearly suicidal and even makes an attempt. The song that plays during her attempt also plays during her death. We're supposed to see this event more in the light of what happened to Isha, which HEAVILY foreshadowed and paralleled Jinx's death by showing a child's misguided attempt at expressing love. An innocent child shouldn't feel obligated to sacrifice their life to save someone else's life. That moment is horrific. Not even an adult should be asked to do that. That's an unmistakable tragedy. Just like Isha was doing what she was taught (the simplicity and complexity of "pew-pew"), Jinx was doing what she was taught. It's a cycle of innocence, violence, and trauma that also mirrors Jinx's accidental role in Vander's death when she was trying to mold herself to what everyone expected her to be. It's haunting that Jinx says, "Killing isn't mercy." She doesn't give herself mercy in the end. We see that even though Vi tries her hardest to show Jinx she's loved and can have mercy/ a second chance, Jinx doesn't know how to accept that. It's not a coincidence that in that same conversation with ghost Silco they talk about identity. That's just my personal interpretation.

Anyway.

#vi arcane #jinx #arcane season two #arcane #arcane s2 #jinx arcane #arcane meta #arcane analysis #arcane spoilers #arcane theories

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aceingonthecake · 1 day ago

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Very Personal Take on Good Omens

I've always related more to Crowley. It has always been easier for me to understand them than Aziraphale, especially in s1. Don't get me wrong, I've adored Aziraphale since day one too, I just think that, personality wise, we have less traits in common.

However, since the end of s2, I've been able to really feel for Aziraphale and immediately found myself defending them and their final decision. I won't lie and tell you that, at the beginning, I didn't feel angry and even a little betrayed at all, but once I cooled down and thought about it with a clear mind I got it. And, later, I also got the reason why I was feeling so defensive about Aziraphale.

Last year I broke up with my partner, with whom I also had a lot of mutual friends. I was the one to call it off and I did it because there were some dynamics I couldn't tolerate anymore, but I still loved them and I suffered a lot (still do sometimes). Still, I knew it was the right thing to do for the both of us and I never regretted it.

The thing is, the friends we had in common never really bothered to check up on me: I was the one to call it off and I was the one who'd always appeared emotionally stronger, so why would I be suffering? However, they comforted my ex multiple times, sometimes right after I'd gone home, because they just burst into tears in front of everyone. Obviously, I was very sad and cried a lot too, I just avoided doing it in front of our mutual friends to avoid creating sides (when we broke up we promised this to each other).

Connecting all of this to Good Omens, I believe that something like that is happening in the fandom too. A lot of people are hyper focusing on Crowley's pain because it's more obvious and understandable to them, while they're painting Aziraphale as the "bad one" who broke their heart and doesn't care about them just because they were the one who made the difficult decision. And, while I understand it's easier to see it that way, I also think it's not actually that hard to dig a little deeper.

Just because someone's pain is more evident doesn't mean they were the only one to get hurt and didn't hurt back too. Crowley hurt Aziraphale too, even if we might not see it immediately or as clearly as the other way around. They're both suffering, there is no right and wrong side, they both made mistakes and, nonetheless, it's no doubt they love each other and deserve a happy ending.

I hope this makes sense. It's a very emotionally charged analysis so, even if you don't agree, be polite about it please. I know I didn't get too much into what happened in the final 15, but I've already made (and I'll make) other specific posts about it. This one was more of an emotional take.

I'd also like to underline that none of this is a contest about who's hurting more. It's an invitation not to take for granted other people's feelings but actually try and understand both sides of a situation, even if we naturally relate to or understand one more than the other. (Of course, this doesn't apply to toxic relationships).

#good omens #ineffable husbands #crowley #aziraphale #aziracrow #final 15 #the final fifteen #good omens season 2 #good omens thoughts #break up

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opreaadriann · 3 days ago

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To the person who wants to forgive everyone...shame on you!

Jokes aside, Connor and Michael are the only ones my MC finds worth forgiving. Connor because I feel bad for him (figured out his secret ages ago and that's rough, buddy. I'm bragging), Michael because it's so romantic to think about him and my MC finding each other after so long (well, my MC finds it romantic. It's just creepy from the outside looking in but love!)

Dylan: TRAITOROUS SCUMBAG.

Hayley: Guilty of being Isaac's sister. Sins of the father, sins of the child, et cetera. Also just guilty.

Vivian: Guilty of dating Michael

Olivia: A reluctant traitorous scumbag is still a traitorous scumbag

Isaac: Funnily enough, I don't care. I just want to outsmart him and get the fated brawl in chapter 12.

Cecily: Same thing as Isaac. Seeketh glory, not vengeance.

Coach something: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIEEEEEEEE

Father No. 1: I'm not sure if we'll have this option, but I will ruin him if I can.

Feels like I'm forgetting someone...

Nope, that's all of 'em. God, why does everyone want to keep getting revenge on more people. We got 8 of them!! + coach and dad 1. And Burt.

Connor is also one of the ones that I think is too forgivable right now. Which is not a good thing. We should never want to forgive anyone!!!

That's why I want to add something to chapter 1 (when I have more time) to actually give you more grief in the past. I'm thinking of adding a scene, during that bit where they fake befriend you, where you get to talk more to the friends of your crush.

Maybe add a scene where Connor or Vivian fake-relate with you, making you feel more secure, and then mention it during the Tragedy.

...

Why do I keep adding things to the Tragedy? I think I have a problem...

#high school revenge #interactive fiction #if wip #romance #interactive game #choicescript

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satorushellokittypjs · 1 day ago

Text

🩵Crush!Gojo x Fem!reader🩵

•

‼️MDNI 18+‼️

•

There you were, standing in a abandoned classroom, back against the wall. How did you end up like this? Simple, someone snitched, telling your coworker, The Satoru Gojo, that you had a big crush on him. And as silly as it sounded, you thought Gojo wouldn’t care. But no, in fact, he cared quite a lot.

So here you were, a foot away from him, the man you’ve been daydreaming about at Jujutsu High for about five months now. How did you keep yourself from getting noticed thus far? Because you would discreetly stare at him every so often, talk to him normal even though your sweetness level went up a notch, and you kept your daydreams to yourself.

Until your other nosy coworker, who you thought was a decent friend, went out drinking with you and your secrets were revealed easily. Damn were you able tell the truth while drunk, you’ll never do that again.

So you stood here, your eyes softly wide when Gojo sighed and shook his head. “So you’re just like all the other women huh?” He shrugged, arms out as he sighed again. “Just can’t get enough of The Satoru Gojo?”

Even with his blindfold on, it’s insane how it feels like he’s still staring into your soul. But something sours the pit of your stomach, what does he mean by that?

“You know, i’m so used to it by now it’s quite hilarious.” He crossed his arms. “women all the time going crazy over me, trying to get me to either sleep with them, marry then, hell just get my number. It’s very hilarious actually” he began to laugh, the one that always sends you butterflies, but right now, the butterflies feel dead due to his words.

“I am pretty hot though, so i get it. But seriously, i wasn’t expecting this from you ya know? You seem better then them..or so i thought.” He shrugged yet again, he’s just so nonchalantly telling you that your pretty much like every other girl that you’re just out for his fame, money, and body. And that..that hurt.

“Gojo..i..” you began to speak, “please that’s not what i..”

Gojo slowly looked back over at you, tilting his head. “Hmm? Let me guess that’s not what you meant? You’re better then other girls?” He chuckled softly. “I’ve heard it before, y/n, you don’t have to say anything more.”

It was there that the venom struck, and yet, if you could have listened through the venom, you would have heard his own venom striking himself. For he’s never met a woman who honestly cares for him in that way.

He then shook his head, “either way, just wanted to let your mind understand, get the drama over with and what not. So, i’ll see you around, yeah? Byee~” he began to walk towards the door

“That’s not why i like you..”

He stopped in his tracks. Why were you still talking? He was confused. He said his peace, he was sure he was right. He always is.

“I like you not for your money, trust me. I don’t like you because your the strongest sorcerer, because your The Satoru Gojo. I’d like you even if you weren’t that..”

His breathing stopped. He slowly turned to show he was paying attention, yet your head was down at the floor. Your face was of different color, showing how embarrassed you were and yet..

And yet you wanna tell him your true reasoning. Maybe just maybe, he’ll believe you.

“I love how caring you are for your students, you cater to each of their needs and show them you how you care through each word and action. Your more then just a weapon, youre human. You show you have feelings, i know cause i see it, especially in your actions.”

He stayed silent, letting you finish.

“I love your laughter and smile each time you see your students succeed, when you see your friends or coworkers, your almost always in a good mood, even when youre down and out, you always try to show people your strong.”

You began to gulp softly, the room was quiet and you closed your eyes as you lifted your head. “A-and i’d be damned if i didn’t love you being you, the man that shows his love and care of people by saving the world with his own life on the line, the man that will do anything for his students, would do anything for his friends.”

You then began to ramble because now you’re just a shy mess from all your confessions, “and i like how you always buy everyone souvenirs when your off on missions, always wanting to gift people. The way you love sweets so much is quite damn adorable and—“

“Y/n..”

You froze, eyes shutting tighter and your face burning up even more. ‘Damn’, you thought, ‘i said too much’.

You suddenly feel fingers holding your chin, the sudden contact caused your eyes to shoot open. That’s when you realized he’s a few inches away.

“Gojo..i…i’m sorry i..”

“Why are you sorry.” He began to use his other hand to take off his blind fold, letting it slide down his face to hang around his neck.

In seconds you were staring into his ever crystal glowing eyes and it was like your heart and body began to feel butterflies, the kind that were alive and going crazy.

“I believe you, y/n..there no need to say any more.” He leaned in closer, lifting your chin more to look at him. “You..you are different. And for once..i was..wrong..” he chuckled soft and bitterly but more or so to himself. “You really like me that much?”

Your eyes entranced into his, all you could do was nod, but you were indeed telling the truth. Yeah your crush has grown to a full on like, even now after your own confessions you realize this.

“Heh..that’s good to know, Y/n..in fact..here.” He leaned away, getting his phone out, opening it up and giving it to you. “Put your number in, yeah? I’d like to keep in contact more.” He smiled a pure shy grin, that you could tell he was seriously shy for you.

You took his phone with a shaky hand and begun to put in your name and number. Afterwards giving it back and whispering. “Are you..blushing?”

His eyes widened and he really began to blush, his pale skin the brightest reddish pink you’ve ever seen.

“S-shut up, y/n” he began to laugh, and there it was again, and this time, the butterflies inside you burn with passion.

He then did something that made you blush, and that was leaning in and kissing your cheek ever so softly. His lips lightly feathering there, quite smooth to the touch.

“We better get going..i’ll text you later, better be prepared” he put his blindfold back up over his eyes and he waved and turned to walk away.

You blinked and quickly walked with him. “Be..prepared for what?”

He turned and stuck his tongue out, “you’ll see later~~”

#jujutsu kaisen fanfic #jjk drabbles #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu fluff #jjk scenarios #jjk fluff #jjk gojo x reader #soft gojo #jujutsu gojo #jjk gojo #gojo x reader #gojo saturo #gojo x you #gojou satoru x reader #gojo fluff #jjk fanfic

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