#other people also have identities. i will now explain those instead

[gideonisms]

for the first time in my life paper writing is going more quickly than I anticipated but for the millionth time in my life I am struggling to make my writing not just, a massive infodump about every article I read. tfw the professor specifically wants personal reflection but what if I don't want that, huh?? what if I want to create a thesis back it up extensively and never think about my existence as a human person in the process???

[ms-demeanor]

Hello! First, I wanted to say thank you for your post about updating software and such. I really appreciated your perspective as someone with ADHD. The way you described your experiences with software frustration was IDENTICAL to my experience, so your post made a lot of sense to me.

Second, (and I hope my question isn't bothering you lol) would you mind explaining why it's important to update/adopt the new software? Like, why isn't there an option that doesn't involve constantly adopting new things? I understand why they'd need to fix stuff like functional bugs/make it compatible with new tech, but is it really necessary to change the user side of things as well?

Sorry if those are stupid questions or they're A Lot for a tumblr rando to ask, I'd just really like to understand because I think it would make it easier to get myself to adopt new stuff if I understand why it's necessary, and the other folks I know that know about computers don't really seem to understand the experience.

Thank you so much again for sharing your wisdom!!

A huge part of it is changing technologies and changing norms; I brought up Windows 8 in that other post and Win8 is a *great* example of user experience changing to match hardware, just in a situation that was an enormous mismatch with the market.

Win8's much-beloathed tiles came about because Microsoft seemed to be anticipating a massive pivot to tablet PCs in nearly all applications. The welcome screen was designed to be friendly to people who were using handheld touchscreens who could tap through various options, and it was meant to require more scrolling and less use of a keyboard.

But most people who the operating system went out to *didn't* have touchscreen tablets or laptops, they had a desktop computer with a mouse and a keyboard.

When that was released, it was Microsoft attempting to keep up with (or anticipate) market trends - they wanted something that was like "the iPad for Microsoft" so Windows 8 was meant to go with Microsoft Surface tablets.

We spent the first month of Win8's launch making it look like Windows 7 for our customers.

You can see the same thing with the centered taskbar on Windows 11; that's very clearly supposed to mimic the dock on apple computers (only you can't pin it anywhere but the bottom of the screen, which sucks).

Some of the visual changes are just trends and various companies trying to keep up with one another.

With software like Adobe I think it's probably based on customer data. The tool layout and the menu dropdowns are likely based on what people are actually looking for, and change based on what other tools people are using. That's likely true for most programs you use - the menu bar at the top of the screen in Word is populated with the options that people use the most; if a function you used to click on all the time is now buried, there's a possibility that people use it less these days for any number of reasons. (I'm currently being driven mildly insane by Teams moving the "attach file" button under a "more" menu instead of as an icon next to the "send message" button, and what this tells me is either that more users are putting emojis in their messages than attachments, or microsoft WANTS people to put more emojis than messages in their attachments).

But focusing on the operating system, since that's the big one:

The thing about OSs is that you interact with them so frequently that any little change seems massive and you get REALLY frustrated when you have to deal with that, but version-to-version most OSs don't change all that much visually and they also don't get released all that frequently. I've been working with windows machines for twelve years and in that time the only OSs that Microsoft has released were 8, 10, and 11. That's only about one OS every four years, which just is not that many. There was a big visual change in the interface between 7 and 8 (and 8 and 8.1, which is more of a 'panicked backing away' than a full release), but otherwise, realistically, Windows 11 still looks a lot like XP.

The second one is a screenshot of my actual computer. The only change I've made to the display is to pin the taskbar to the left side instead of keeping it centered and to fuck around a bit with the colors in the display customization. I haven't added any plugins or tools to get it to look different.

This is actually a pretty good demonstration of things changing based on user behavior too - XP didn't come with a search field in the task bar or the start menu, but later versions of Windows OSs did, because users had gotten used to searching things more in their phones and browsers, so then they learned to search things on their computers.

There are definitely nefarious reasons that software manufacturers change their interfaces. Microsoft has included ads in home versions of their OS and pushed searches through the Microsoft store since Windows 10, as one example. That's shitty and I think it's worthwhile to find the time to shut that down (and to kill various assistants and background tools and stop a lot of stuff that runs at startup).

But if you didn't have any changes, you wouldn't have any changes. I think it's handy to have a search field in the taskbar. I find "settings" (which is newer than control panel) easier to navigate than "control panel." Some of the stuff that got added over time is *good* from a user perspective - you can see that there's a little stopwatch pinned at the bottom of my screen; that's a tool I use daily that wasn't included in previous versions of the OS. I'm glad it got added, even if I'm kind of bummed that my Windows OS doesn't come with Spider Solitaire anymore.

One thing that's helpful to think about when considering software is that nobody *wants* to make clunky, unusable software. People want their software to run well, with few problems, and they want users to like it so that they don't call corporate and kick up a fuss.

When you see these kinds of changes to the user experience, it often reflects something that *you* may not want, but that is desirable to a *LOT* of other people. The primary example I can think of here is trackpad scrolling direction; at some point it became common for trackpads to scroll in the opposite direction that they used to; now the default direction is the one that feels wrong to me, because I grew up scrolling with a mouse, not a screen. People who grew up scrolling on a screen seem to feel that the new direction is a lot more intuitive, so it's the default. Thankfully, that's a setting that's easy to change, so it's a change that I make every time I come across it, but the change was made for a sensible reason, even if that reason was opaque to me at the time I stumbled across it and continues to irritate me to this day.

I don't know. I don't want to defend Windows all that much here because I fucking hate Microsoft and definitely prefer using Linux when I'm not at work or using programs that I don't have on Linux. But the thing is that you'll see changes with Linux releases as well.

I wouldn't mind finding a tool that made my desktop look 100% like Windows 95, that would be fun. But we'd probably all be really frustrated if there hadn't been any interface improvements changes since MS-DOS (and people have DEFINITELY been complaining about UX changes at least since then).

Like, I talk about this in terms of backward compatibility sometimes. A lot of people are frustrated that their old computers can't run new software well, and that new computers use so many resources. But the flipside of that is that pretty much nobody wants mobile internet to work the way that it did in 2004 or computers to act the way they did in 1984.

Like. People don't think about it much these days but the "windows" of the Windows Operating system represented a massive change to how people interacted with their computers that plenty of people hated and found unintuitive.

(also take some time to think about the little changes that have happened that you've appreciated or maybe didn't even notice. I used to hate the squiggly line under misspelled words but now I see the utility. Predictive text seems like new technology to me but it's really handy for a lot of people. Right clicking is a UX innovation. Sometimes you have to take the centered task bar in exchange for the built-in timer deck; sometimes you have to lose color-coded files in exchange for a right click.)

[zahri-melitor]

What can you infer about the editorial meddling Young Justice went through?

Oh god. It’s like the old quote about pornography: you know it when you see it. Spend enough time reading comics and you can just tell.

Notable problems with the Young Justice 2019 run that smack of interference:

You can really tell there was external pressure to include Steph in the run and that she was not originally intended to join the team or appear any further than occasional cameos such as the flashbacks at the Hall of Justice as a link to Tim’s final scene in Tynion’s Tec run. Structurally her story makes no sense whatsoever for how to put a plot together. Steph’s not an original Young Justice character, the run already was supporting two new female characters plus a reboot of Amethyst introducing Amy to a new generation, even before we look at the crossovers from other titles in the imprint. The fact they ended up throwing in a single issue entirely about 'what Steph has been up to and her fight against Cluemaster' in the last section of the run makes it even worse, as that was valuable page time wasted pandering that could and should have been used to give Jinny Hex or Keli Quintela more development.

The entire ‘Drake’ situation, which for a costume change had very little build up, was under-designed, and then disappeared with Tim back in the Robin costume between two panels. It was a test balloon from someone that was comprehensively shot down by some mix of the fandom and editorial, and I remain convinced that DC is gunshy about a new costume and identity for Tim all the way up to the present day because of how badly it was handled.

It was being used as the anchor for Wonder Comics, leading to the required mega crossover (that also spilled over into Bendis’ Action Comics to give it some more space), putting even more pressure on the title to be telling a big crossover story when it was still trying to re-establish “your favourites are back” and suggesting potentially expanding the Young Justice lineup out to around thirteen characters, a massively oversized team that the title was not set up to handle.

Lost in the Multiverse was where the story started to get bogged down by being pulled in too many directions by expectations.

It’s also super telling that the last third of the book got turned over to essentially doing one-shot character pieces about the Core Four, the last defence of a run that can see cancellation coming and doesn’t feel confident launching a new story arc they don’t expect to get to finish. Some of this stuff was clearly background character work they would have preferred to have dripped out over a longer run.

Also I know I’m repeating myself, but having the Tim piece focus on Steph mostly, in the frame of Tim and Steph’s relationship? That’s not where I’d be spending my time when looking at Tim Drake in the focus of Young Justice. How he’s coping with his returned memories of having two or three different lives now? Thinking about what ‘Tell Conner you’re sorry’ means? Discussion about his feelings in terms of moving on from being Robin or not? Nah let’s talk about Steph's problems with her dad instead. That’s not a natural fit compared to what everyone else got and does not follow from any of the preceding story.

Still ropeable that the whole set of storylines about regained memories and alternate timelines doesn’t get to intersect with Lois Lane (which spoilers but also is committed to storytelling about ‘people have memories of other places bleeding through’ prior to the full Infinite Frontier retcon) or explore how those memories change things for Tim, Bart or Cassie (Kon at least does get a story about reconnecting in Action).

And that’s just off the top of my head, ignoring any of the more subtle signs.

I love Young Justice 2019. It is a run that adores Bart, Kon, Cassie and Tim (and particularly Bart. I cannot explain to you how much this story adores Bart if you’ve never read it) and the opening 6 issues make me feel warm and fuzzy every time I read them in terms of how cleverly it works to explain how we get everything back. There are clever subtle moments in the text that give a lot more depth to the story that are implied rather than spelled out: how Cassie suddenly remembers Bart when Bart comes near her, suggesting that her returned memories are a Speed Force side effect from being a lightning rod to Bart; Cassie and Tim sense Kon using TTK and recognise it as familiar, something the new characters cannot; the fakeout in the art where when Tim’s memories are restored, he sees Cissie in his memories, but unless you know the exact YJ98 page being referenced you’d think it was Steph; etc.

But gosh it would have been so much better if it had not been required to devote so much page time to crossovers and to pandering to fans, among other elements.

[jewishvitya]

hei. i enjoy your blogs, i hope you could clear something up for me., i just saw someone claim to be "zionist as in i believe jewish people have the right to self determination in their indigenous homeland",, ive actually seen the claim that jewish ppl are indigenous to israel and are somehow denied that identity as a form of anti semitism and erasure of jewish experience multiple times.. and it always confused me so much cuz like israel was set up as this nationalist project in 1948, before the region was a mess mostly under the rule of the ottomans, but the palestinian culture and ppl were always there. how can someone be indigenous to a region if they werent there before? is there any truth to the claim or is it just co-opting leftist language again?

its so evil how the state of israel could jist completely legitimize itself by co-opting jewish culture and pretending like being in support of it is a fundamental part of jewishness :(

Thank you!! I'm glad you do.

I can try, but I'm not sure how good I'll be at explaining this. Maybe someone else can add to this. If I repeat things I said before, I apologize.

That is a definition of zionism used by many zionists who lean politically to the left. I don't subscribe to these softer definitions of zionism because saying it's just "the right to Jewish self determination in our ancestral homeland" ignores that in practice over the last century the next words are "to the exclusion of others." I define zionism through its practical outcome - which is what we did to Palestinians.

Jewish people originate here. Our religious laws and practices (many of which are regularly disregarded by Israel and by settlers when they do things like destroying olive trees and water sources) are tied to this specific land. There are holidays and religious rituals that are either fundamentally changed or can't be practiced at all if we're anywhere else in the world. Culturally most branches of Judaism maintained this connection throughout our history. And we didn't leave willingly. An empire expelled us from the place that was our land. When the point of indigeniety comes up, this is why. You'll see arguments like - when does indigeniety expire? How many generations until you no longer have a claim to the ancestral homeland you were driven away from?

So this is the cultural context for Judaism. This is something that I also can't really ignore. I can't pretend I don't care about this land and the connection we always had to it.

That said, I still see this as using leftist terminology inappropriately.

To talk about Israel, a lot of us talk about colonialism, and specifically settler colonialism. I lived in the West Bank settlements so to me this really resonates. The argument I get at that point is that an indigenous group can't colonize their own land.

And this is why I'm saying it's a misuse of terminology. We're using that label to absolve ourselves. As if the word "indigenous" is a stamp of approval we get to apply to our actions while we repeat the violence of colonizing forces in history.

Ethnic cleansing, occupation, building settlements - and now also genocide. The tools we use resonate with indigenous people all over the world, because they suffered through similar kinds of oppression. Always with differences and different contexts, these things are never 1:1, but there's a reason indigenous groups around the world are in solidarity with Palestinians. I shared about a video from a Korean person talking about how colonialism by Japan broke the thread of their history - old buildings that had to be rebuilt instead of being preserved, historical cultural practices and art forms being lost or changed due to the loss of artisans. These are things Israel is doing now.

So to me, this is using the word "landback" and "liberation" for a violent takeover of land from an indigenous group. You mentioned the Ottomans - Palestine has been conquered over and over throughout history. Those regimes, sure, fighting them off can be liberatory, if the intent isn't to become the conquerors in their place. But there's nothing to liberate from Palestinians, because they're not colonizing anything. They belong in this land.

I'm really angry that so many of us try to deny the Palestinians their own connection. They have roots here, a long and rich history shaped by life in the land. While we destroy so much and say our claim is so strong we get to kill or drive them away for it.

[intersexcat-tboy]

hello! this question may come off as ignorant and i apologise, but what's wrong with the terms tme and tma? i know what it means but i dont really understand the (for lack of a better word) issue with these terms.

i looked it up and it didn't really help me all that much :<

I could've sworn I had several posts tagged w it explaining a few reasons why but now there's only 2? 🤔

Here's a starter (link)

There are a few reasons, on their own it's whatever ig, but it relies on the assumption oppression is based solely on identity and not ever considering how your oppressors see you. There isn't a "ableism immune" or "homophobia immune" bc we understand hate crimes are based on PERCEIVED or actual status, not just actual. What's happening to Imane Khelif is being called transmisogyny everywhere, so clearly it's not limited to just transfems, but many will then turn around and say those who were AFAB can't experience it. Some have discussed using "targeted" to convey how it's disproportionately faced rather than arguing how people are incapable of facing it, and I understand that argument better but....

One of the big things is the issue of how people use them. I wouldn't have an issue at all if they were solely personal descriptors, similar to AGAB, to describe your own experience. Instead, people use them to deny violence and oppression. People thinking they get to determine others experiences.

On another side, it's basically used as the Top Misery Award and The Mild Expierence. If you're TMA, it's treated as facing the most or worst oppression, if you're TME, are you really oppressed? Actually, you're privileged (not HAVE a privilege, ARE privileged). This aligns with white feminism believing misogyny is the root or worst oppression.

Most of the people who use it tend to think trans men don't have their own type of oppression faced disproportionately, oftentimes erasing that violence as well. A lot outright deny intersexism and refuse to engage with any points made by intersex individuals about how it affects us as well.

Then there's the whole aspect of how it's "supposed" to mean everyone but transfems (which is kinda a weird thing to want a word for when calling similar ones co-opting), but they only ever use it to mean trans people who were AFAB. You can tell this by how things are said (tme being used for intercommunity), or something like "TRANS TMEs since I guess I have to say that to make it clear 🙄"

There's also the fact everyone defines it differently. Some way you need to have been born w a penis, others say you need to have been AMAB, which contradict each other as someone who was AFAB could have been born w a penis, and some people have multiple AGABs (such as at birth and then a few weeks later)

If you only use it to describe yourself, idrc

[jesncin]

Hi! I'm sorry if this an inappropriate question to ask, but I was wondering if you had any advice on how to accurately portray characters of color? I'm White and my creative fiction includes a lot of diverse characters, and I don't want to just ignore how their races impact their stories but at the same time being a racial/ethnic minority isn't something I've personally experienced and I don't know how to walk the line between good representation and some White dude telling stories that aren't his place to tell. Do you have any advice on how to accurately present characters of color without appropriating?

Luckily I have time today so I'll give my 2 cents! For one: there is no such thing as "accurate" portrayals of POC. Our experiences aren't a monolith. Something personal I would write and pull from my lived experience might not be relatable to, say, another queer Indonesian. And characters I write that are outside of my identity (Black, disabled, etc.) are inevitably going to be less authentic compared to someone of those identities tackling those characters. That's just something to make peace with- we can only do the best we can with the perspective we have.

With that: the usual platitudes are "do your research" and "listen to POC", I dislike both of these sayings! I get what they mean, but I don't love the insinuation of "doing research and listening" as a means of personal creative benefit. So instead I encourage different mindsets:

Instead of "do your research" (where identities can be treated as subjects to be learned and not people) I prefer "expand your perspective". Art is so cool because it's self expression. Stories are awesome because it's a shortcut to a person's deepest feelings. They get you fascinated and invested in a life so unlike your own. I can't stand "I only read queer books" people because it's an admission that they refuse to engage with identities they can't relate or project onto. There are so many important stories out there outside of your bubble. Get into the habit of earnestly learning about perspectives outside of your own. And not with the mindset of "this'll make me a better writer if I consume the identity and can become them" but with the mindset of getting to learn about a new friend. I think people take "stay in your lane" too literally sometimes where they focus so much on writing about their own experiences that they miss out on empathizing with other people.

Instead of "listen to POC" (I hate this one. Because our opinions aren't a monolith, it essentializes all of us to being media critic savvy experts, and white people tend to cherry pick the POC opinions they like instead of looking at the wider conversation) I prefer "improve your media criticism skills, and supplement with different perspectives". Not only should you "expand your perspective" as my last point said, but you should also be critical of things you read and learn! Learning about how ableism, racism, classism, etc. operates in life helps inform your opinion of how an identity was portrayed in a story. Recognize that earnest, and well intended attempts at representation can still be flawed or performative (the amount of times I'm told "I'm sure they weren't intending to be racist" like I truly believe the writer is a mustache twirling racist villain is too much). It's important to be opinionated! Do the work to find different perspectives to inform your own.

Lastly, don't ask for labor from marginalized people haha. I know that's what you're doing now (and this always happens to me whenever I voice a critical opinion of race representation) but I happen to have time (I'm still waiting on my editors to get back to me, such is the life of publishing). Most people don't, and are exhausted with explaining themselves. I don't bother my other marginalized friends whenever I write perspectives outside of my own. I do as much of the work reading articles, history, criticism, art etc. first. Especially if it's going to be a published work, then find Authenticity Readers and pay them for their labor. Avoid asking general, easy to google answers y'know? A lot of people have done the work writing thought pieces in their own time about a variety of perspectives.

[vigilskeep]

I'm curious what you don't like about dao Leliana? If you've got any posts about it could you please point me in their direction?

i probably have posts somewhere but god knows where they are now. i will present a little overview

and to be clear, because i know this website, this is completely a matter of personal taste in writing and character, i am not, um, cancelling leliana dragonage or having anything but appreciation for those who like her, i am saying i probably wouldn’t want to hang out with her. i am also not attempting to convince anyone or justify anything, i am explaining my own feelings since i have been asked about them. i am going to use language that sounds a little overly harsh because i am trying to express those feelings succinctly without making this post very long by apologising and minimising with caveats about when i do like her

i find her a little grating. i find her characterisation based on her backstory irritatingly inconsistent, with genuinely confusing naivete for someone with a supposedly hardened backstory. she’s a literal bard, and she’s always always on the back foot in dialogue with quicker thinkers who can easily shock and scandalise her, and she believes horrors are too ugly for anyone to write about (literal bard!). i’m also vaguely baffled by the amalgamation of vibes they went for visually, like, idk for example, repeatedly mentioning the supposedly ragged boyish hair of someone incapable of understanding a lack of interest in high fashion and who expresses friendship by talking about nice shoes and hair specifically. it makes me struggle to buy into her as a character, and i find her hard to picture.

i think her compassion for others rings fairly false, possibly just on a poor voice acting level; if they wanted me to believe in it from listening to her dialogue when she chimes in during side quests, they got it wrong, i don’t. those bland comments, as cloying on the tongue as artificial sweetener instead of real sugar, are a let-down when i could have someone more entertaining in the party. i hear her talk and think: i wish i’d brought someone else. and her kindness is often shallow, buying into prejudice easily when left unchecked. which is again, weird for a character whose entire concept is being more worldly than she appears. part of that backstory is also definitely growing up mostly surrounded by elven servants, which makes those biases in that direction even more notable to me than they otherwise would be. she’s someone who’s absorbed in her own internal struggle yet who has never noticed the struggles of those around her until directly confronted. i am constantly disappointed by the missed opportunities with her character, like her mixed cultural identity barely being discussed in a game where the backdrop of the ferelden-orlais conflict being under-explored is to me one of really very few big storytelling mistakes, or like her mechanic where you can ask her about wherever you are—a really fun idea, for a bard!—and she literally never not once has anything interesting to say. like, come onnn. im the worldbuilding enjoyer. hit me with something

some of this is going to be affected also by me having spent the most time with her as my surana, who happens as a character to be a natural born hater, and also predisposed to share some of these feelings. i do find dao leliana much more fun to hang out with when playing a non-elven, non-mage character, but given the in-world context, that in itself is perhaps not a glowing recommendation? (obligatory note again, i am not up in arms that this fictional character has fictional prejudices against fictional people and i in fact think this part is good writing that suits the world. the version of her i adore is, after all, in dai when she has done significantly more wrongs including against elves and mages specifically.) it’s more that kindness should be what leliana has going for her as one of the most prominently good-aligned companions, and i don’t believe in hers. if i’m committing to this being me disliking the character rather than disliking some writing flaw, i could say that i read her compassion as a performance, and that’s something i happen to never really like in a person or character: when they act because they want to look like a good person, and feel like a good person, rather than because they truly care about the impact of their actions. maybe i don’t prefer her in dai because she’s somehow better written; maybe she just drops that mask i don’t care for. hard to say!

also her personal quest has some of the worst writing and acting in the game i never want to hear marjolaine again. please.

[schemmentis]

La Cosa Nostra - Pt. 20

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15 / Part 16 / Part 17 / Part 18 / Part 19

Cowritten w/ @janeyseymour

Summary: The arduous task of leaving, and rebuilding.

WC: 1.9k

Over the weeks that those close to you adjust to the news of your little family of four being gone, you're all recovering in the safety of the hospital. Cat's is the slowest going. You and Melissa, while still in quite a bit of pain, are out of the woods. So is Rosie, though she isn't her usual hyper and always moving self. She’s content to sit quietly with you and occasionally snuggle up close to her sister in her hospital bed. 

Cat slowly, painstakingly, gets there- after another surgery and plenty of medication and watchful eyes of professionals. Her little eyes open and stay that way more and for longer periods of time. Once she's stable, you and Melissa know you can't wait any longer. You have to leave. Before word somehow gets out that you are, in fact, still alive. 

Cat's doctors contact a highly respected colleague in New York to coordinate them taking over her care as soon as you get there, essentially. Before you can leave though, you have one more meeting to sit in on. This time, instead of at businesses or the police station, it's in Cat's small hospital room. Melissa is sitting on the edge of your eldest's bed, holding a tiny hand as Cat catches a bit more sleep. You're sitting in a chair at the other side of the bed, holding Rosie in your lap. 

Agent Shaw and Agent Danik greet Rosie enthusiastically when they arrive, happy to see her getting a little bit back to her usual self now that her sister is improving as well. Rosie hugs them both tight, like she used to do Luca and AJ at Sunday dinners. Like she only ever does people she likes. You almost want her to hate them, but your little girl doesn’t understand that these two are a big part of the reason that you’re in the mess you are. If they hadn’t suspected you to be a part of the hit on Bobby, none of this ever would’ve come about. But even you’ll admit, they’ve done a lot for you in the last weeks. They’re almost constantly standing guard with you, and you’ve even gotten to get to know them a bit better and see more into their personal lives. 

The agents take the other chairs in the room, sitting opposite you and Melissa both. Danik hands your wife a folder while Shaw hands you an identical one.

“You each have copies of the documents for the house in New York. We'll be able to mail you the proper ones once we sort out your aliases- along with more documents for you both and the girls. Right now, we've got the plane tickets just with a different last name, to keep anyone trying to from immediately realizing it's you, though I doubt anyone is looking at this point. But once you're in New York you need to have completely different ones.” Danik explains quietly. 

“The girls will be confused by calling them different names…” You mutter, flipping through your folder. 

“They’re already confused enough not being able to go back home,” your wife sighs softly as she runs a hand through her hair. 

“I know,” you reply just as quietly.

“We could…change them to the more common versions.” Melissa suggests. You hear the pain in her tone. When you were pregnant the two of you went through more names than you could count. The meanings and their significance mused to you both, but especially your wife- with Cat carrying on a family name so dear to her. Rosie was the name she'd picked herself and added the middle name her sister also carried down from their family. 

“The nicknames would be the same.” Melissa says when you look at her, a tiny shrug of her shoulders as her fingers gently card through Cat's hair. “It would confuse them less.”

“Baby, are you-”

You don't even get to ask if she's sure. Melissa's head shakes as soon as you start. “We'll know what they mean and where they came from even if no one else will. It doesn't matter if it helps keep them safe.”

Reluctantly, you nod. The safety of your daughters is the only reason you're doing this as you are. Though originally you weren't going to almost die and fake die for it. You guess it is safer this way.

“You'll have to think of ones for yourselves, then. You're more likely to be found than the girls, especially if you kept your first names.”

You sigh. “We have to have them by the time we're in New York, right?” 

“Yes. We'd prefer if you had them already but it's more important that we get you out of here right now. We'll provide an income every month, a set amount to help you get by.”

“I'm sure we'll still need to work.” Melissa says, looking to Agent Dakin.

The agent smiles wryly. “Unfortunately we can't provide you mafia level money.”

“I dunno.” You say, shutting your folder as you glance to your wife. Your shoulders shrug. “Could be fun to do somethin’ totally normal for once without worrying ‘bout the rest. ‘Sides, we both have business experience. We'll figure it out.”

“Neither of you can open a business again,” Danik warns. “Publicity will not do you any favors… even in a big city like Manhattan.”

Melissa sinks. She was hoping she would be able to open another restaurant… she’d make good money in such an affluent city. But that possibility was just thrown out the window.

A few hours later, you, your wife, and your girls are on an airplane in a private area, sorting through everything.

“So… Catherine Ann and Rose Marie,” Melissa sighs as she writes your daughters new legal names. “Last name?”

You shrug. “Should we stick with Italian, or go Irish this time?”

“Probably Italian,” your wife tells you as she scribbles down a few things. “And we need new names.”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I think I want to go with Saoirse... freedom,” you say softly as you rock your youngest daughter in your lap gently. “And...” you do a quick search on your phone for different Italian last names.

“Hm?” Melissa hums. 

“I’m looking at common last names, and I like... Fumagalli, or.... Carozza,” you tell Melissa.

Your wife looks at you with those sparkling green eyes of her, and she then rolls them at you. “Do you have any idea what those words mean in Italian?”

You quirk your head and raise a brow. “No? Should I?��

“Fumagalli means smoked poultry,” she deadpans.

“And I love a smoked bird,” you quip. “And it’s a cool last name!”

“And Carozza literally means mozzarella cheese.”

You laugh out loud at that one. “I knew that one sounded familiar... but I do like mozzarella cheese. It’s my favorite kind!”

“Good lord,” your wife grumbles as she writes down both last names on a lined piece of paper as ideas. “You have to be kidding me. How were we a part of the mob, and yet you come up with ridiculous shit like this?”

“You love me,” you smile at her as you set a soft hand on her knee.

“You’re damn lucky.” Melissa grumbles as she writes a few of her own ideas down. 

You peek over her shoulder, seeing the list of last names, your suggestions followed by her own. “What about your name?” You ask. 

“Raphaela.” Your wife answers with no hesitation, making clear she's considered this about as much as you have. She glances back at you with a small, almost shy smile. “It means God has healed.”

“I guess in a roundabout way, he has, huh?” You say. “Barb would've liked that one.” You add in a quiet murmur.

Melissa doesn't miss it, nodding and muttering her own agreement as she turns back to the list of last names. “Vinci.” She says aloud, looking back to you once more. “To conquer.”

You can't fight the grin on your face at the meaning. “I like that.” You admit, quickly stealing a kiss from Melissa. “But you're sure you don't want to be mozzarella? I know it's your favorite too.” You can't help but tease.

Melissa rolls her eyes, gently shoving you back to your own seat space. “I don't want to be cheese or smoked poultry, Thank you.”

When your flight lands you and Melissa have agreed on your new identities. By the time you're in a cab and nearly to your new home, you've failed your additional attempts to persuade her into your more silly last names. Not that you really wanted to. It just gave you both something to focus on fake arguing about to pass the time.

“We'll have to wait for all the documents back before we can enroll the girls back in school.” You say as you walk with Melissa up the steps of your new house. Each of you holding one of your girls in your arms.

“Maybe that's for the best.” Melissa says from next to you. You reach behind the porch light, feeling blindly for the key you were told you'd find hidden for you. You make a mental note it might be a good idea to change the locks at the first opportunity, just to be safe. “At least it will give Cat more time to recover.” Your wife adds as you slip the key into the lock.

“Guess we'll tell them it's a little vacation?” You suggest, glancing over your shoulder.

“I don't know.” Melissa says, making a face. “That will just make them more confused when the vacation doesn't end.”

You sigh but nod, knowing she's right. “We've got time to figure it out, at least.” You say, pushing the front door open. You look back to your wife. “You ready? First step of the rest of our lives.”

“Amore, that step happened when we got on the plane, if not before that.” Melissa says softly. Still, she puts a hand on your cheek, thumb gently rubbing at your skin in affection and nerves just the same. “Hopefully there's beds, at least.” She mutters before kissing you once.

“I don’t think I could sleep on the couch again if I tried,” you grumble. 

You let Melissa step in ahead of you, pulling the door shut behind you and flipping the lock back in place. You trail after your wife, glad to find a sofa in the living room. It's certainly not like your living room back in Philly, or like one actually lived in but it's something.

You don't linger there, keeping a pace behind Melissa down the hallway. She opens one of the doors, finding the bathroom. The next is a bedroom, blissfully with a bed. Again, the room is not fully decorated but the basics are here. It's enough, for now.

You and Melissa carefully nestle your sleeping daughters to the bed. You don't even bother checking the other bedroom. The two of you are already content to squeeze onto the edges of the bed with the girls. It's been a long few days. This house doesn't feel like home, not yet, if it ever will, but with the feel of Melissa’s hand slipping into your own and squeezing, the sound of the girls’ quiet breathing, it's enough of home for you for right now.

[itstokkii]

Now that the anthology is released, please check it out!! A lot of my friends, both writers and artists, put a lot of work into their pieces, and please make sure to follow their work as well!

However, I'll also take this time to explain why I left the @hws-anthology project.

Before I begin, I must clarify that this is not a callout post, that is not the intention. Rather, it's to clear up and explain the situation for those in the server that saw the aftermath and were confused as to what happened and why I left.

I joined the server at around mid to late February as an artist with the intention of highlighting and promoting the two countries that make up my identity: Uzbekistan and South Korea. I had also joined as I had always wanted to be part of a big project like an anthology, and I wanted to see how it would go.

By August, I had made and finished my pieces so they were ready, and no problems occurred until January 1st. At this time, I had begun a conversation about Korean history and culture. One of the people in the server asked about whether they, a plus sized foreigner, would be stared at in Korea as that was their deciding factor for travelling there. My response was that this may have been the case a few years ago, however this attitude has changed over the years among Koreans as more foreigners regularly visit Korea, and that society is more accepting of bodies that do not fit the standard. And at the most extreme, Koreans have higher standards for nationals compared to foreigners, so foreigners are less likely to be judged by East Asian beauty standards.

However, the owner of the server had expressed firm disagreement and insisted that, from their experience of going to Korea and Japan, that people will stare. I had brought up that as an ethnic Uzbek and a Muslim, a visible minority, neither has my community or I experienced such lengthy staring, if not during the early 2000s when foreigners were first beginning to come to Korea. And even through the spikes of terrorism and following Islamophobia in the mid 2010s, hate crimes, let along staring, was not a common reaction to or against the community, despite the worldwide reaction of terrorism being conflated to people like me that are visibly Muslim.

(in these screenshots, pink = the one who asked the question, blue=the server owner, purple = my friend, orange = third party(general), red, purple = third parties(individual users)

They insisted they were trying to help, as they were "coming from a country where staring is rude," implying that staring is normal and not rude in Korea.

At that point, they had attempted to "shut down" the conversation because we were "both right," and that I "didn't really understand what [they] were saying or where [they] were coming from."

As I tried to reiterate that as an Uzbek Muslim born and living in Korea as a Korean national, and as someone who has lived in Seoul and less populated regions of Korea, has seen the different reactions by Koreans, they instead opted to firmly say that they weren't continuing the conversation, insisted that we can both be right from our different perspectives, but that theirs was more helpful as a non-asian.

At this point, I expressed my discomfort with someone who is non-asian and has never experienced living in Korea, only as a traveler, speaking over my voice as a naturalized Korean citizen who was born and raised in Korea as a visibly ethnic and religious minority, and even insisting that my advice was lesser compared to theirs.

They replied by saying we both had to "agree to disagree" and that they didn't want to undervalue my opinion or upset me(despite my actual feelings of utter distraught), despite repeating again that they believed their advice to be more helpful. They said that if I did want to continue, I'd have to do it privately because it wasn't helpful to "duke it out in public," and ended the discussion by disabling me from being able to text in that discord channel for a day, and no longer being able to access that channel.

I was left speechless and distraught by this whole interaction. Not only did I feel that I was being talked over by someone who has had no lived experience in Korea to see the trends and beauty standards change along the years, and even placing their advice as "more helpful," but that they had also muted me from speaking up for myself in the channel, effectively placing me in a virtual "timeout." I felt like I was being treated like a young child from the way I was being told to "agree to disagree" to the way I was constantly shut down and had my voice ignored, to the eventual timeout where they muted me from the channel for a day.

And to me, it was also interesting to see them talk to others in the other channels like nothing happened while I was the one crying and shaking uncontrollably from being denied a place to speak and be heard, from having my lived experiences perceived as "lesser than."

As much as I didn't want to leave the server, I thought it was the better choice because as much as I wanted to promote Uzbekistan and Korea through my art, I realized that it shouldn't have to cost me my mental health to do so. The next day, I left a message as to why I was choosing to leave, and left.

Elif Harris's summary of Said's Orientalism: "The very purpose of Orientalism is to take control of the Orient and take away from it any ability to speak for itself." I quoted this because at its core, the way I was being treated was orientalist in nature, in the sense that the server mod continues to speak over me, a Korean citizen born and raised in Korea, when it comes to advice about Korean society, and then pushes it by emphasizing that their advice was more helpful, while also refusing to listen to me and trying to quell the conflict by repeating that both of us were right, and that we should agree to disagree. And, finally, they time me out like a child and blocks me from speaking up and standing up for myself. Know that I do not make accusations out of thin air because I'm feeling bored.

However, it didn't stop there. According to a few mutuals, my message was quickly taken down by the server owner, who then prevented people from using the channel I had the conversation in(misc-serious) the day prior. A friend of mine tried to repost it so that others would be able to see my message, to which she was muted from texting to all channels and using the voice channel for a week. Others began to question this, and I had heard a few people left the server due to the obnoxious level of muting and the fiery comments by the server owner as they defended their actions as us having a "normal disagreement" and that my message was deleted for being "immature."

After a little while, my friend was also placed in "timeout" for a week.

Due to this, Green relayed my friend's message on her behalf, and then left, with Red following as well, citing how the server became "oddly toxic."

To those of you who reached out and sent me kind messages, thank you so much! You didn't have to, but you felt the need to reach out anyway and even that gesture was truly grand to me, and comforted me as the shock still remained with me the next day.

As for the fandom, I have said it before at the beginning that the intention is not to be a callout post or a post about "drama" or "tea"—do not call it that. Asides from explaining my sudden departure from the anthology weeks before its release, it is also to ask the fandom a few very important questions:

"Why is it the norm for people to speak over others who have lived experiences in a particular place?"

"Why are we invalidating or ignoring their experiences and instead giving the power to speak about a region to someone with minimal interaction or knowledge about it?"

And lastly,

"Why is the fandom so comfortable with this?"

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[ilikekidsshows]

Okay, so... I just realized something. No one told Marinette to keep information from Cat Noir until Syren. She was the one who didn't think to tell him about the spellbook, and she was the one who showed up to Fu's without him. In Volpina, The Collector, Robostus, and Sapotis, the idea of Cat Noir knowing is never brought up, mostly because Marinette and Fu don't talk about him. This makes Syren look really weird when you think about it. We suddenly have Fu saying that it isn't the right time and the episode acts like those aren't Marinette's secrets to tell, when this wasn't a factor in any of Fu's previous appearances.

Now, I'm not trying to defend Fu here. He's supposed to be the mentor here—even if Marinette doesn't think about Cat Noir, he has the responsibility to. It certainly is a writing choice is what I'm saying.

---

Considering the priorities of the writers, they most likely didn't think of it either. They tended to ignore Cat Noir's role in things even before the retool. It could be they totally forgot that Cat Noir was also a factor in the team dynamics. I'm guessing, depending on the writing order, ‘Syren’ could be the justification to keep him in the dark after they realized that Marinette keeping him in the dark of her own volition would make her look bad if anyone thought more deeply on it, and supposedly they figured the audience just wouldn’t question Fu’s authority in the matter, since he’s the “wise, old mentor” archetype. The writers tend to think giving some throwaway excuse is enough to justify everything they pull in the show.

That's why the show is so quick to give excuses every time Marinette does something hurtful towards others instead of just, you know, having her learn to not do it. The idea that people watching could disapprove of Marinette’s actions is too horrifying to them, she couldn't possibly do something actually wrong, so they try to explain everything away to justify her, either right away or retroactively when they realize fans actually have issues with something Marinette has done instead of just accepting that the hero protagonist can do no wrong by virtue of being the protagonist.

Miraculous, I feel, moralizes secret-keeping way too much. Alya and Marinette have a big debate on whether they’d reveal they were a hero to their respective bestie or not in ‘Sapotis’, where Marinette “wins” by virtue of Alya, under Ladybug's orders, not telling Marinette in her civilian persona that she’d become a hero by the end of the episode. The debate was “I’d tell you because I tell you everything” versus “I’d not tell you to keep you safe”, with Marinette acting kinda smug about it, like the writers considered this the ultimate “gotcha!” that the fandom is using for all secrets Marinette chooses to keep now.

“She’s keeping people safe,” she maybe thinks that, but how does that work in practise? Generally, the idea of not telling a loved one about your heroics is to keep them from getting involved and getting hurt, but Marinette is the one getting her friends involved by giving them Miraculouses. She breaks that safety justification herself. The show also raises the possibility of Hawk Moth lifting this information from their mind if they ever got Akumatized, but Marinette herself has almost gotten Akumatized but could avoid the butterfly with Tikki’s encouragement. The solution to getting Akumatized is to not leave your secret-keeper alone when they’re upset. Also, the show later reveals that this is a nonissue, because Kagami, who knew Ladybug’s identity, got Akumatized with Hawk Moth being none the wiser she knew, meaning Hawk Moth can’t read minds to that degree, but, to be fair, the heroes probably didn’t know that. I think most Miraculous holders' decision to reveal or hide their identity from their loved ones is one that's based on what they consider most functional and is, in fact, not based on morality at all.

So, here’s the question we should actually ask about Marinette’s secret-keeping: when you keep  a secret that “isn’t yours to tell”, is it really a moral choice or simply a choice? The thing about keeping secrets in real life is that it, by itself, isn’t a moral or immoral act. It’s what your secret-keeping accomplishes that determines whether you made a moral choice. Of course you're not gonna tell your friend your other friend is planning to throw them a birthday party if you want it to be a surprise, but, if the birthday hero just told you they're planning to go out on that date and time, it's just practical to let them know your shared friend has something planned for that time. It's not a moral choice what you do here, simply a practical one.

If your friend comes out to you about their sexual or gender identity, this secret deals with your friend’s personal life and really is no one else’s business. Keeping that secret is, of course, good. If your friend has queerphobic parents, revealing the secret to them would put your friend in danger, so it would be bad to tell.

If your friend told you they’d murdered one of your classmates in cold blood and had hidden the body, you keeping that secret makes you an accessory to murder and you could face legal charges. However, your personal moral code also applies here. Would you be cool with murder if the victim was also a murderer and killed your best friend’s sister? Would you be against murdering but even more against betraying your friend by getting them caught for a crime they committed? What if your friend murdered an innocent person and you both know this and your friend tells you they plan to kill again because they’re actually a serial killer and keeping their secret means more innocent people will die? Then it would undeniably be bad if you chose to keep that secret.

There are more important things to consider than whether or not a secret is “someone’s to tell”, like actual harm coming to people because of secrets that should be kept or revealed.

The matter of secrets is that we need to take into account who they affect. The things Marinette keeps from Cat Noir: the grimoire, Fu, her training, Rena Furtive becoming a permanent member, are all things that affect Cat Noir. I’m sure Cat Noir would like to know the history of the power he wields. I’m sure Cat Noir would appreciate some guidance and training too instead of being left to flounder and try to figure things out alone. I’m sure Cat Noir would like to know what backup is available in tight situations, especially if Ladybug herself isn’t available to be Rena Furtive’s sole contact. The excuse that these aren’t Marinette’s secrets to tell, because they’re Fu’s or Alya’s, are just excuses. These are Marinette’s secrets, because she’s benefiting from something she’s actively denying Cat Noir access to.

Her secret-keeping is even more questionable in the season five finale with Gabriel’s evil deeds, Hawk Moth’s identity and Adrien’s status as a Sentimonster. These secrets directly influence Adrien, his ability to recover from how his father treated him and his ability to keep himself safe when his free will can be easily hijacked. This information doesn’t just affect Adrien, it’s information he needs. And the stans are justifying Marinette keeping this information from him with “it’s not Marinette’s secret to tell”, implying the responsibility should be shifted to anyone else but their precious idol. Well, here’s what I think of that: these secrets are also not Marinette’s to keep.

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Ok go with me here - @fruityfirehose and I have been exploring a few things while chatting, and one of the things we’ve been contemplating is related to the lightening strike and Bucks coma dream and how it relates to bi Buck and the Tommy of it all.

Something we discussed is the idea that Daniel in the coma is actually Evan and that Buck essentially has multiple personalities (metaphorically speaking - I’m not implying that Buck has spd or anything).

I know it sounds a bit of a leap and illogical, but it does make sense I promise! It’s part of why my theory that Tommy is an alt version of Buck and why Tommy insists on calling him Evan is so interesting as a concept.

It’s kind of hard to explain but hopefully I make sense!

Buck has been going through his life ‘struggling’ with his identity - with fitting in in the world he existed in in any given moment. This has been because two versions of him existed inside him as essentially one person - he is both Evan and Buck (think conjoined twins type situation but with personality instead of the physical body) and they struggle with each other for dominance.

Evan is obviously tied to the Daniel (and his ghost) of it all, and that side of Buck has been dominant for most of his life, but as Buck put distance between himself and his parents and his childhood home, the ties to Daniel weakened until the Buck part of Buck was able to become dominant - with moments of Evan regaining control during this time (in the same way that Buck probably surfaced occasionally during his childhood - most likely with Maddie). The lightening strike is the moment when Evan and Buck separate - the lightening strike severs the thing that has been tying them together - Daniel (hence the prevalence of Daniel in Bucks coma dream!)

So now they are no longer conjoined and in a split personality type of way they exist as two separate people. But only one can survive and move on - where we’re at now is approaching the moment Buck has to choose who he will become - does he regress and become Evan - letting go of Buck. Or does he let go of Evan and become Buck.

Tommy coming into the picture is a physical representation of this choice. Its why Tommys past is so important as a hurdle for Buck - and why the fact Tommy has grown a bit but not that much is important. It’s why Tommy calls Buck Evan - it is Evan trying to assert control - the control he had when Evan and Buck were connected.

It’s about making the choice of who he becomes - which path he follows and once he makes his choice he can embrace who he is fully rather than by the half measures he has been doing up to now - because he will no longer be at war within himself!

It also makes the not realising he’s bi integral to it all as well, making it even more interesting - because it’s Buck who is bi - not Evan (I know technically Evan is too but just go with me and the metaphor here) - Evan represents repression - heteronormativity and trying so hard to conform - to become whatever is needed of him in the moment. Which is what Tommy represents as well and why he is Evan - that is what he did - repressed himself and became what he needed to be to survive (at the 118 pre Bobby and I guess through his childhood as well).

The thing is, Tommy won’t change or grow further - he allowed himself to be queer - which benefits him but no one else (I.e his queerness is freeing for him - he gains from it, but confronting and dealing with the racism and sexism - making reparations and learning - doesn’t have any direct benefit to him so those parts haven’t grown or changed - he is still those things. - the fact Buck hasn’t been shown to be any of those things is irrelevant - they are representations of a concept - the who Buck could’ve become had he not ended up at the 118).

But buck can and will change and grow - we’ve seen it through the past 7 seasons, and it’s why he’ll ultimately break up with Tommy, because Tommy and Evan are compatible but Tommy and Buck are incompatible. Buck will choose to be Buck and not Evan and so they can never work, because that tug of war between Buck and Evan cannot continue. One has to win in the end, and as Evan is static/ weakening, while Buck keeps growing and being nurtured by the firefam and Eddie and Chris, Buck is the one who will win out in the end.

[flythesail]

From the end of s3 and throughout s4, Nancy and Ace have used the word "love" a lot:

"I lied to the man that I love to save his life."

"You're not the only one who lost the love of their life here."

"Your decision to call the Sin Eater on my behalf was an act of love."

These are just a few examples, yet the point is Nancy and Ace know they love each other and are making it clear to each other (or those around them) that love is the case.

With this, it would have made sense for them to actually say "I love you" in the finale, right? After all, it's the last chance to have it said on screen.

Yet, what we did get is (in my opinion) so much stronger:

"But will you solve this part of the mystery with me?"

"Yes. Always. Forever."

With this, I have to ask what does "I love you" even mean? We all know, so I don't have to explain it. And I think that's what makes nace's version of "I love you" all the better. It's specific to them only, when "love" is kind of a generic word when it doesn't have context.

When you view it that way, you can easily track Nancy and Ace's love throughout the entire series. Love isn't only "I love you."

"Just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean I want to lose you."

"I know you." "I know you too."

"I couldn't lose you."

"I can help you proofread."

"You never were."

This is only a handful of quotes for examples. But with each one, they are affirming their devotion to each other. That they understand one another. Believe in the other. Or need them in their life.

"But will you solve this part of the mystery with me?" becomes a request from Ace to commit to how they feel and let something come of it. Nancy's "Yes. Always. Forever," is to say she's all in and will always be.

It's easy to see then, why the director of the finale sees this scene as a marriage proposal. Marriage is in many ways, a promise.

And by affirming Nancy and Ace's love for each other, we get a representation of who they are. Or, what makes them unique.

"Because no matter what, the mystery of who you are will never end. And I know that the next clues will have to take you on the road. So do mine."

Literally, it's an acknowledgment that Nancy is a detective and will be traveling. More figuratively, it's Ace accepting Nancy for who she is when throughout the show, her identity is something she's struggled with. He's saying that even as she figures herself out, he chooses her and every version of her. After all, identity is not constant and will always change as time goes on. Ace is even acknowledging that for himself in that his "clues" will take him on the road too. There is no right time. There is now.

For two people who have spent the show searching for who they are, whether in regard to family, purpose, or other - this scene affirms their acceptance of each other in every form. "I love every version of you. At your best, or at your worst - I can choose forgiveness because I know your intention."

If Ace had walked into Icarus Hall in that final scene and said "I love you," it would have been true. Yet it doesn't tell Nancy anything new and it doesn't speak to her as directly as what he did say instead. Effectively, what Ace did say is "I know you" all over again, including the times she doesn't know herself. Nancy affirms the same toward him, as they go on to solve the mystery of life together.

Now, do I still wish we got an actual "I love you" from Nancy and Ace? For sure I wanted to hear them say it. Yet I can also see why it wasn't said, when it's already what they've been saying all along.

Plus, if I ever do want to hear them say it, they already did all the way back in season 1.

"I think I love you."

"I think I love you too."

Those were not their own words. But they were words that were starting to hold true. They were words that foretold the ending at the start, before their story had ever been told.

[missmastectomy]

hello, pretty freshly detrans here. i finally understand what all those ‘annoying cis people’ meant when they said gender isn’t a feeling. like, actually, i fully comprehend it now. if you unpack all those supposed ‘gender feels’ it all wraps back to stereotypes and gender roles, whether you identify as a soft boy or a big rugged stereotypical man like i did. because that’s all gender is. and holy shit, i feel duped!

you’re telling me i could’ve spent all this time being a hot hairy butch who defied the social expectations placed on women but i was so entrenched in the idea that i was somehow a man, which is DEFINITELY a real innate category of being and not a made up social class assigned to a given sex to give them more power (sarcasm) that i lost half my family to it? that i argued with people i know and love over it? that i experienced trauma in the church because of it? only to realize that gender itself isn’t even real, something i knew the whole time but hypocritically refused to apply to myself. i’ve been scammed. i dressed up my personality in a blue box and told myself it was a boy. fuck.

at least there’s freedom in sight now. sorry to rant in your inbox, i hope it’s relatable if nothing else.

I completely understand. I also used to feel annoyed when “cis” people said they don’t know what feeling gender is like. The thing is, though, trans people’s gender feelings are actually very easy to understand once you get to the bottom of what dysphoria is. Often trans people will describe their gender identity as stemming from dysphoria, a disconnect between the mind and body. The discomfort and desire to be the other sex is so strong that people transition and the vast majority of trans people describe that as the state of “being a woman/man,” instead of “hey, I’m a bio female/woman transitioning in order to cope with dysphoria.”

I talked about it before, but if you understand why women get harmful cosmetic surgeries because they cannot stand living in their bodies, or why anorexics will hurt themselves in pursuit of a perfect body, you already understand half of trans identity. People often try to reinvent themselves when they’ve been rejected or traumatized. People often try to mold themselves into someone else, someone you were “always meant to be,” but ultimately never will, because the image you’ve created in your mind is completely fictitious.

Most trans people operate like this. Ime there are vanishingly few trans people who recognize that their sex doesn’t change and that they are ultimately still men or women. Most consider gender to be innate, therefore they were always actually men or women. Few acknowledge that it is basically a lifestyle choice. Honestly, a poor one at that, considering the adverse effects it has on your body and social life.

Some transmeds cite sex dysphoria as the reason for transition, but where does it come from? They often argue that transsexuals have brains that map out the body of the opposite sex and that causes the dysphoria, but there’s poor evidence for this. Ask a trans person how they knew they were trans and they will say 1) they always felt uncomfortable in their body/didn’t connect with others of their sex or 2) I’m a boy/girl but engaged in stereotypical activities of the opposite sex. It’s really just a bunch of made up nonsense to explain the suffering a lot of gnc, gay, whatever people experience.

A lot of trans people don’t realize that everyone else also has “gender feelings,” but they just don’t describe it with the language trans people do. Because of this disconnect, trans people often take this as evidence that their gender identities are real and infallible. But if you talk to, say, a woman who was very masculine as a child and didn’t fit in with girls, you will literally hear the same feelings of discomfort that most transmen describe. The difference is that these women grew out of it or learned to cope and accept themselves. Most transmen do not.

The conditions for trans identity to form are a combination of wrong place wrong time. I have a hard time not feeling sympathetic for the old fashioned transsexual types who recognize bio sex because I understand how debilitating dysphoria can be, but the religious mumbo jumbo speak of the modern trans movement is insufferable and harming thousands, if not millions, of people. It’s time to come back down to reality.

[nerdygaymormon]

Hi, I'm a young queer mormon living in Utah who finished their first year of college and decided halfway through after lots of prompting that I should serve a mission. The choice brought so much joy into my life and reconnected me with the church, my family, my beliefs, and my self. I felt really lost and unfulfilled at school, and the decision to put my schooling on hold for the next two years or so and bring the joy I felt from the gospel to more of God's children has felt so right every step of the way. I've have my call since March now, and I leave in a couple weeks.

But this new church announcement (the transgender policies) has absolutely shaken me. Obviously from a young age I have struggled with the church's stance on queer identities, and many more aspects. But my heart always felt that Christ cared not about these things and wanted only for us to try and be better and accept his atonement into our life. I also felt like the community of a ward or a church was one of the best parts of the gospel, and so many people need it and could benefit from it even if they did not wish to or choose to carry out sacred ordinances or covenants.

But this handbook change has made me feel like that's not true anymore. How can I stand for and represent a church that is directly excluding and prejudiced against my transgender friends? How am I supposed to tell other families and individuals to come to church when I myself can't even seem to grapple with what it stands for right now? I'm really struggling, I don't know if I should cancel my mission or push through in the hopes that more understanding will come through acting in faith. While every step of this process has brought me closer to myself and my family and brought me a lot of clarity in a confusing time, I feel that right now God is giving me a choice. I listened to Him with full faith and put in my papers and put my school on hold, but now I feel like he's telling me to choose for myself what to do next. And I have no idea what to do.

I'm lucky enough to have parents who will support my decision either way and who are also furious at the handbook change, but that doesn't take away the issues that choosing not to serve a mission brings. All the ward members who will be informed about it, all the explaining I'll have to do. If I don't go, I wish to instead use my mission funds to pay for a humanitarian trip to a place near the mission I was called, so I can still dedicate my time to bringing help to God's children, but I'm already so far in my mission process and I know there is a reason I was prompted to do all of this. But I'm so stuck.

Any advice?

Thank you for sharing all this.

I was just telling a friend that I think God's way is to have us make our own choices, especially the bigger the decision. Sometimes there's times like where you got the prompting to serve a mission, but it's still your choice. Often those promptings are making us aware there is another path available to us, perhaps one we weren't aware might be a good choice for us. However, most of the time God doesn't prompt us what to do, we have to study it out and then pray about the choice we made and ask God to affirm.

I think this way we own the decision. If we marry someone, we have to put in the work to make it a successful relationship and not just assume it will all work out because God said to do it. And when things don't go perfectly, if God told us what to do then we would blame God when it's us who messed things up.

I can see that the prompting you received helped you take a step back from a situation you were in (college) that maybe wasn't the right time for you, and get closer to the Lord. This gave you a firmer spiritual foundation on which to stand when these Handbook changes were announced.

My advice is to not ignore your feelings. If something bothers your conscience, pay attention to that.

Another piece of advice is to think about how you want to serve. A humanitarian mission perhaps is the mission you were being prompted towards, you are in a position now to make that choice because of the decisions you made based on the prompting you received. You can make a list of pros & cons, and as you think about what these different experiences will be like, the proselyting mission or the humanitarian mission, pay attention to which one brings you a sense of peace?

The Spirit is accompanied by feelings, think about how you feel when you're getting a prompting or feel that something is the right direction to go. Keep in mind those feelings when you pray about whichever decision you make.

I admire your desire to serve and to stand for goodness, and I commiserate with you in regards to these steps our church has announced.

[anystalker707]

Behind locked doors (1/2)

Pairing: Reiner Braun x [gender neutral] Tybur! Reader Summary: You just want to have fun with that damn hot soldier. Tags: Forbidden relationship kinda thing / Penetration (no gendered description) / Choking / Harsh / One line of dirty talk

MASTERLIST

          Reiner quietly watched you walk around with your older brother and a few other military officers trailing behind you while the commander seemed to lead the way. He cleaned his throat, adjusting his uniform as the talk among the others faded, substituted by attempts to fix their hair or their posture. This nervousness hung in the air and crawled under their skin, making them tense up with each step you and the others took closer.

“Now,” Commander Magath said, but it was directed to you and your brother. “I want you to meet who fights for our motherland right now. I’m sure you only knew their predecessors.”

Having the Tyburs in Marley during such a moment of uncertainty and agitation was like having the hand of a deity reaching out to fix Marley’s wounds—this time, it wasn’t just a palliative and the Tybur family there for their occasional appearances to put pressure on the military and appease the population. The new agitation in Paradis was enough to have Willy Tybur bringing the War Hammer Titan into the show, and even the highest ranks in the military had no idea of their identity. As of what seemed, anyone in the present part of the family could have the titan.

Despite Willy being the head of the family, you were there, too, tagging along with your older brother everywhere. Could you be the shifter? Probably not. They wouldn’t risk you, then. Whatever your function was, no one ever provided any explanation.

Opposite to the friendly—and probably fake—smile on Willy’s face, you instead had that cold gaze. You looked all the soldiers up and down, scanning all of them. Were you also one of those people who despised Eldians? That’d be quite hypocritical, but anyone was far from caring about that.

When your gaze fell upon him, Reiner felt his breath stop in his throat, freezing at the way your eyes scanned his uniform until meeting his own. There was something in your gaze that he couldn’t quite decipher, but still made something stir inside him.

As the others talked, you kept looking around, stepping away, and darting off until Reiner felt a hand on his forearm.

“Could you perhaps show me around?” Your voice was quiet as you looked at him from under your lashes with such a gaze.

Reiner needed a couple of seconds to make sure he still had himself together before he nodded and took a step, confirming you were coming along before he started walking.

Sun shone down on the quarters and, like usual, the kids were being trained and yelled at by the instructors as they raced with all that heavy equipment, but still had unwavering determination. The voices started becoming evident according to how the two of you approached them, the screams and cheers turning into actual words.

“I see there’s a training going on.” You observed the kids, eyebrows knitted together.

“They’re the candidates to be the next warriors for Marley,” Reiner explained plainly as he walked a few steps after you, his hands clasped behind his back. “They’ve been on intense training ever since being chosen.”

“I see,” you mumbled, raising your eyebrows and resuming the blank face you had on now and then. It wasn’t easy to read. Still, Reiner didn’t try to think too much about it, only following as you made your way around a building, heading over to the back of it.

A few trees littered the area, which had a wall limiting it. There weren’t even windows on the back of the quarters; there was nothing to see, hence it wasn’t even a guarded place, really, only with occasional rounds. Reiner was about to let you know about it when the words died on his tongue and his back met the wall, knocking some air from his lungs.

Reiner’s eyes widened as he looked at you, your hands tight around the lapel of his uniform jacket’s lapel as you pinned him to the wall. Your eyes observed him with a new air now, with actual interest.

“You’re a strong guy, Mr soldier,” you mumbled, “nothing that one wouldn’t expect from the Armor himself. Also, quite...” The words trailed into silence as your eyes went from his face to his chest and down.

Reiner wanted to say something, but the most he could do was clean his throat and inhale.

“You don’t have that pride the others have.” You blinked, that piercing gaze finding out more than he wished to let anyone else know. Whatever you muttered next sounded too unclear, but it didn’t matter once your lips pressed to his.

          The dinner with the Tyburs meant reinforced guard. Reiner and Galliard were around just in case. Galliard was outside, but Reiner continued in the dining room because he ‘had a feeling’, standing there with the other guards as he observed all those people sit and eat as if they were worth something more than him and his comrades just because of the blood that ran in their veins.

Unlike Willy, you didn’t talk a lot, only making additional comments whenever you considered needed, but your voice was still too quiet for Reiner to catch on anything, as much as he tried to. Why did he care, anyways?

Reiner left the dining room after all of those people did. If it were a while ago, he would be mentally judging their careless manners while watching their back, but now, things were just so confusing after being confronted with everything he had learned in Paradis that his mind was just blank. He only kept absentmindedly walking until suddenly pulled into a room.

Fuck, was Eren there to get his hands on the Marley Titans? Reiner couldn’t see anything in the darkness, but he knew full well that the soft hand that rested upon his lips preventing him from screaming was too soft to be from an officer or any sort of fighter in general, so it couldn’t be that bad, right?

The hand slowly slipped off Reiner once he relaxed his shoulders, and the only stripe of light that entered the room slowly vanished into nothing once the door closed and the lock clicked. His breath was slow as he observed it, but it caught in his throat again the moment the lights turned on and he saw you standing there in that office that even he didn’t know who it belonged to. You observed Reiner up and down, and just that was enough to send a shiver down his body.

Were you expecting him to say something? Did Reiner need to do anything right now?

“I didn’t think you would...” Reiner’s voice sounded too loud in that small room.

You just pushed yourself back, sitting on top of the desk, pushing some stuff to the side to open some space. “It’s rare finding some guy like you. Good looking, tall, strong...” You mumbled, scanning Reiner again, and bit down on your lip. “Hot. And I always have my family on my tail preventing me from having whatever I want because ‘a Tybur can’t risk anything in this world’. What’s wrong with me having fun right now that they’re not so focused on me?”

A smile showed up on your face as you spread your legs and Reiner immediately took that as an invitation, stepping closer to stand between them. His breath hitched in his throat a little when your arms wrapped around his neck, your face just centimeters away from his, again.

Reiner’s heart was beating so loud that he wondered if you could hear it, in that small, muffled room.

“Come on, soldier,” you whispered, pulling Reiner closer. “You got all that size for nothing?”

          Reiner’s hand was clasped over your mouth to try and prevent the sounds from escaping it every time his hips would meet your ass, slamming inside you just deliciously as he had you bent over that office’s table. Your knuckles were white around the table’s edge and some stuff that previously rested on it was now scattered on the ground.

The hand Reiner had around your hip sank deeply into the skin, holding firmly enough to make you believe you’d have bruises to hide later.

“Can you imagine... if someone saw us right now?” Reiner breathed in your ear, adjusting his hand over your mouth—the way you drooled had made it damp. “A spoiled Tybur being fucked like this by a filthy Eldian and enjoying it?” He breathed a chuckle then moaned when a specific thrust reached just the right spot inside you, making your eyes roll back into your head as you clenched tightly around him.

The idea Reiner put in your mind stirred something inside you, making you quiver under him and become whinier, all summed up to the way he kept thrusting exactly in that angle that made you clench and go weak. You could feel your release approaching but you doubted he would stop just because of an orgasm since he had made sure to already give you one while only preparing you.

“Damn,” Reiner’s breath was hot against your neck, as hot as his body pressing to yours just fine, his chest pressed to your back and brushing against it as he moved. The same chest you had your mouth all over just a while ago.

Reiner’s hand went from your hip to your ass, squeezing the skin as if testing it before his palm met it in a sharp slap that snatched a high-pitched sound from your lips, muffled into his fingers. He groaned, trailing down to grope on your thigh as he kept thrusting, only making a brief pause so he could hook his hand under your knee to bring your leg up; his other hand let go of your face so he could wrap his arm around your torso instead, keeping you bend over the desk.

The new position created a different frame for him to fuck into, allowing Reiner to reach that same spot easier, and it just snatched that orgasm from you in a matter of seconds. Reiner’s name among other babbling spilled from your lips in a string of moans as he hissed, trying to contain himself while keeping moving his hips, feeling you throb around him so nice and good.

“Ah, fuck,” Reiner cursed. He pulled away, ignoring your whine at the emptiness as he helped you turn over to lie with your back on the desk, practically manhandling you.

You were barely used to it when Reiner already had a hand holding your leg up by your thigh to push back into you, cock throbbing as it met that delicious warmth and tightness of your insides once again. He looked at you and the light makeup that once decorated your eyes was now smudged, leaving behind the trails that the tears made—and kept making—on your face due to simply how good he was able to make you feel.

Reiner couldn’t handle it, taking a deep breath as his hand took hold of your neck, holding around it just enough to give you that extra sparkle of pleasure, and he just couldn’t hold it back anymore. He gave his best in those last thrusts, not caring about how the desk under the two of you even rocked a little with his movements. His index finger and thumb sank under your jaw by each side of it to keep your head down and give him the best look of your face when you felt him finishing inside you, his thrusts turning shallow as he rode down from his high.

No disgust laced your face, no—you pressed your eyes shut and bit on your lip while muffling a groan. “Ah, shit,” you mumbled, voice still weak, your moan coming out high-pitched when Reiner slowly pulled off you. He clicked his tongue, observing the cum drip out of your hole while he muttered something under his breath.

Reiner took hold of your jaw, turning your head towards his so he could give you another kiss, slowly easing you down as well. His thumb ran along your cheek in a light touch, hand eventually going down to caress the back of your neck in a soothing motion.

“You good?” Reiner whispered between kisses, still a little out of breath.

You could just nod in response, eyes barely open as you observed him. He smiled a little bit, sighing as he held onto your waist; his touch was now light and comforting, almost as if he weren’t the same person who was deep into you seconds ago. That was exactly what you needed, whatsoever.

“Very,” you finally muttered in response as your arms snaked around his neck.

⋆｡‧₊°꧁ ༺𓆩❦︎𓆪༻ ꧂‧₊˚.⋆

PART TWO

[last-flight-of-fancy]

I would love to hear your trans alphinaud and lesbian alisaie headcanons or more about the subtext you see! Especially alisaie.

AHHH oh gosh i would love to answer!! Though I must admit that these are built from many (MANY) small moments across the whole game more than a few easily pointed at examples, which means its.. kind of difficult to pull up (and remember) all the evidence.

That being said, i do still have Many Thoughts about it :DDD

First off trans Alphinaud was set into my mind very early on by one simple fact: identical twins are almost always born the same sex. like almost invariably, with the very rare exceptions needing some wild extenuating circumstances. and you cannot tell me those two are fraternal.

now ofc this is fiction, and a fantasy world besides. who's to say the writers knew that particular fact? well good news! alphinaud presents a *lot* of other common trans experiances, which are scattered throughout the msq and optional side dialogue.

(shoutout to me for having the exact same thought four years apart before and after playing the game myself. i have absolutely no memory of the first post at all because i also have no memory of watching my partner play shadowbringers even though i definitely did. rare adhd memory loss win! i got to experiance my favourite thing for the first time twice!)

post 1: dated 2019, talking about how alphinaud is extremely trans coded, being an identical twin of a different gender to his twin, cannot swim, is body shy and *extremely* hesitant about using public showers, and having interests that are traditionally coded as feminine in fiction.

post 2: dated 2023, the same thing but this time talking about how wonderfully alphinaud and alisaie are made to complement each other in opposite ways.

he cant swim: related to the body-shyness and hesitance around the showers, its VERY common for trans people to experiance these things due to dysphoria and societal perceptions. i myself started experiancing this (even though i LOVE swimming) when pubescence started to hit. (it sucks!) alphinaud was probably one of those ones who realised VERY early what he was (logic boy who is too dang smart for his own good) so he just.. never learned to swim at all. kept his nose buried in books instead.

traditionally feminine interests/abilities: sure it could be trope subversion, but personally i think theyre also things he just enjoyed before transitioning and thus continued to do.

and one more that i can remember off the top of my head: alisaie's reaction to estinian mistaking her for alphinaud.

"but alphinaud has no problem with being mistaken for-" let me explain, i swear it makes sense.

see, alphinaud is a little logic boy at heart, we know this. he knows he and alisaie share their features, that is simply a fact. alisaie though? alisaie is ruled by feeling, and reacts accordinly. most notably the Incident when she first meets estinian.

what i find especially interesting about this is that prior to that moment with estinian, neither of them appear to have much issue with their similarities. it's only after shadowbringers that alisaie reacts with such contempt

(probably not helped by her not liking estinian much in general lol)

what this says to me is that some time before or during ShB, alphinaud told alisaie that the way people mistake him for her does bother him, but he can't blame them for the mistake considering the circumstances, so he just doesn't mention it.

alisaie however can and will blame them and thus the next time someone mixes them up (rip estinian) she EXPLODES. because it's not about her. if it was about her i honestly dont think she would care nearly as much. but it's about her brother, and how dare you hurt her brother's hidden feelings by not being able to tell them apart.

(completely seperate headcanon but i do think that estinian is faceblind as fuck, which means he never stood a chance on this one, poor guy)

okay now for lesbian alisaie <3

what WAS it that thancred said about battle scars and maidens? and whyfor are you thinking about this alisaie? :3

also: Tesleen.

also also: Emery (A Malm in her Shoes short story)

fr tho alisaie pays attention to and talks about girls a lot. in a way she never does about boys. bringing up my complementary opposites wrt the twins thought from before, it honestly could've been another way the writers COULD have done that, having alisaie attempting to impress boys with her athletic skills the same way alphinaud tried to impress girls with his artistic ones (something he is teased about repeatedly). like the absence of this potential parallel is almost suspicious tbh...

once again, any one of these things in isolation is probably simply a choice in writing, but all these things together spell out to me one thing: alisaie likes girls. exclusively.

(im sorry you wanted lesbian alisaie thoughts more and i have less of that than the trans alphinaud ones, but if you come back in 3-5 years when i've finished my second msq run i will have compiled a far more complete list of evidence for both complete with screenshots, probably lol)