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TRR AU- Teachers (part one)
Sooooo I’m having withdrawals because of the break :( But I got some inspiration reading some other fics about a different fandom where they are teachers and I don't think anyone has done this before for this fandom? I hope you like it!
Pairing- Drake X Mc (Elle Garden)
Summary- Elle was a teacher in New York, and after her rough breakup her best friend, Hana, convinced her to move to Cordonia to be a teacher there. When she gets there, she loves it and moves there permanently. When she starts the school year, she meets Hana’s incredible friends, like Liam, Maxwell, Kiara, and... Drake ;)
—-
“Oh, I’m so excited Elle! We will finally be able to work together!” Hana squeals into my phone, making me wince slightly. “Yeah, I’m happy too Han,” I say, pouring myself some coffee. “I’ll get ready and be there in an hour,” I tell her, eager to start my day. “Ugh Okay, well I can't wait! Just wait until you meet my friends there! Ahhh!” She starts squealing again so I just hang up yelling goodbye. I love Hana a lot, but she can be very energetic sometimes and I don't always have the energy for that.
I finish my coffee and take a shower, making sure to wash my brown hair thoroughly. I put on a bit of makeup, mostly mascara to try to enhance my dull green eyes. I decide on wearing my yellow and white dress.
After finally getting my shit together, I’m out the door, a box in my hands full of small plants and books, and my sunglasses lazily on my nose. I drive away from my small apartment excitement and nerves taking over me. Sure, I’m a fourth-grade teacher, but I still care what my students think of me. I want to be a good teacher for them.
I was a teacher when I lived in New York. I had known Hana for a while, we were friends when we had the same college courses in teaching. She left to work in this European country and I stayed in New York. After ending a bad relationship, I wanted to get out of the city and have a breath of fresh air. I've spent the summer here in Cordonia and I love it. Everyone is so kind, and it's nice to be in the country after living in a concrete jungle my whole life. My small car finally pulls up in front of the small elementary school. I park next to Hana’s car as she waves at me ecstatically. I grin and get out, grabbing my box at the same time.
“Yay! I’m so excited!!” she says, running up and hugging me tightly. I hug her the best I can with one arm wrapped around the box. She pulls away and grabs my arm, leading me into the nearly empty school. Class doesn't start for a couple hours but we are expected to be here early. As we go through the hallways Hana yells hello to teachers and other workers. “It’s a small school, isn't it?” I say, looking around. She nods.”We only have one teacher per grade.” she informs me as we go into my room and I set down my box on my desk. When I turn around, I see Hana with two guys grinning at me. “Uh hey,” I smile, taking off my sunglasses.
One guy has shortish blonde hair and a goofy grin, the other is a handsome Asian man with a polite smile. “Hello, I’m Liam, it great to finally meet you. Hana wouldn't stop talking for the longest time” the polite guys says, shaking my hand. “Hana has talked about you constantly as well, don't worry.” I laugh lightly. The other guy speaks up. “I’m Maxwell, the best kindergarten teacher in this school,” The goofy-grinned man says, extending his hand which I then shake. “You’re the only kindergarten teacher Maxwell.” A deep voice says, making me look over at the door. My heart stops when I see him. Him being a highly attractive man who has longish brown hair, rough stubble on his strong jaw, and brown eyes. He’s wearing a tight white shirt, track pants, and has a gym bag hung over his shoulder. I gulp, trying to avert my eyes from his tight shirt.
“Come on Drake, you know you don’t have to be rude, we know you love us,” Hana jokes warmly, smiling. He rolls his eyes, but his mouth is shadowing a smile. “Drake, this is my friend I told you about, Elle Garden,” Hana says. Drake looks over at me and my stomach erupts in butterflies when we make eye contact. “Hey.” I grin. He nods in my direction. “Nice to meet you Garden. I’ll see you guys at lunch yeah? See ya,” He says, walking away.
“So that’s Drake, what does he do?” I ask, turning back to everyone. “He’s the gym teacher and the soccer coach,” Liam explains. I nod, biting my lip. No Elle, you can’t fall for someone already. You only just left Todd, you can’t just move right on to the first attractive guy you meet. “He’s a little rough on the edges, but once you get to know him you realize that he's just a big marshmallow,” Maxwell grins. I smile, and suddenly a voice rings through the announcement speaker. “Teachers, the school will open in fifteen minutes, make sure to have everything in order.” A serious voice says, making Maxwell roll his eyes. “My brother is so serious, he's running a school, not a prison,” He says, as he starts to leave, Liam and Hana following. “We will see you later Ms.Garden, good luck.” Liam smiles. “Bye, Elle!” Hana says, and with that, they leave me alone in my classroom.
After organizing all the supplies I need for the class and arranging my plants along the window, I open the door to my room. Soon the kids file in, laughing and talking to their peers. They find their assigned seats and sit down, and when the bell rings, they are all looking at me patiently. A lot more polite than kids from Brooklyn. “Hello students, I am Miss Garden, welcome to the fourth grade!” I grin, and they all clap and say hello. I grin. Hana was right. This is the best.
At recess/lunch, I meet up with everyone in the teacher’s lounge. I sit with Hana, Maxwell, Liam and a pretty dark skinned woman. “Bonjour, Je m’apelle Kiara,” She says, her French accent surprising me. luckily I studied French. “Oh, salut! ça va?” I say, making her smile. “Trés bien, merci” She smiles. I like her already. We all talk and eat, and I get a good chance to get to know everyone better. Suddenly the empty chair beside me gets occupied by Drake. I can't help getting a whiff of his subtle cologne. Oh lord, why does he smell so good? “Hello Drake,” Kiara says, leaning on her hand, blushing. Well, I don't like her as much now. God, I sound like a jealous girlfriend. She has every right to be attracted to him and want to date him, but I want him too. “Hey Kiara,” He says, nodding in her direction before biting into his sandwich.
I continue to talk to everyone and learn a couple things about them. Maxwell is the super goofy but really sweet kindergarten teacher. Liam is kind but polite and a bit reserved. He’s the music teacher. Kiara is obviously head over heels for Drake. *sigh* She is the charming French teacher. She is gorgeous there is no way I can even compete with her. I shouldn't even think of ‘competing’, I mean, Drake is a big boy and can choose whoever he wants. Ugh! I’ve been here for like three hours and I already have a crush that I’m competing for in my head. I need to get a handle on myself. I couldn't even help myself earlier when I looked online and stalked a little bit to find out his last name. Drake Walker. Elle Walker sounds great... Ugh, I’m a full grown woman, I need to stop acting like a schoolgirl with a crush.
While I’m not paying attention, my knee accidentally bumps against Drake’s. I feel a rush of electricity when we touch. “Watch where you put your knee Garden,” He says quietly, teasing. Everyone else is talking, not paying attention. I turn to him grinning. “Oh? And what are you going to do about it, Walker?” I ask, raising an eyebrow, not being able to stop myself from leaning ever so slightly towards him. He just looks at me for a moment as my heart beats loudly in my ears. He clears his throat and looks away, joining the conversation again. Before disappointment can rise within me, I feel his knee bump mine. I look over at him. He doesn't look at me but I can see the smirk on his face.
*End of part one*
I hope you liked it! I’m super excited about this series! I have so many plans! If you liked it please like or reblog :)
tagging people who might care lol:
@simplyaiden-blog @tmarie82 @butindeed @monosodiumglutamateme
part two
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2018-04-03 18 NEWS now
NEWS
Associated Press
King's heirs still grappling with his killing 50 years later
Migrant caravan raising concerns in US takes break in Mexico
Trump administration seeks to close immigration 'loopholes'
Sacramento police chief struggles with change after shooting
Dashboard video shows Sacramento sheriff's car hit protester
BBC News
Superintendent: Why teachers carry guns in Fayetteville
Winnie Mandela on her and Nelson's struggle
Who was Winnie Mandela?
Oklahoma teacher strike: 'I have 29 textbooks for 87 pupils'
The paired legacy of King and Kennedy
Chicago Tribune
Synthetic pot leaves 2 dead, dozens hospitalized in Illinois; 3 arrested in Chicago
Lawyers call for independent probe into ex-Chicago police Detective Reynaldo Guevara
Teen girl pleads guilty to fatally stabbing 15-year-old girl on South Side in 2016
Injured woman extricated from car after Des Plaines crash — but driver nowhere to be found
U.S. Steel to pay nearly $900,000 to settle lawsuit over chromium spill into Lake Michigan
LA Times
From the Archives: Jungle Boy
Diamondbacks get three runs off Jansen, two in 15th for double comeback win
Angels unravel early and oddly against Indians
MLB: Arizona assigns Tomas to Reno
Kings on brink of playoffs after victory over Colorado
NPR News
Bench Player Carries Villanova To Second Title In Three Years Over Michigan
After Violence Erupts In Kashmir, Disputed Region Shutters Storefronts In Strike
The Scarcity Trap: Why We Keep Digging When We're Stuck In A Hole
After Alleged Abuse Of One Aide By Another, Rep. Elizabeth Esty Won't Run Again
'Affluenza' Driver Out On Probation After Nearly 2 Years In Jail
New York Times
South Africa Says Australia Retracted Claim of ‘Persecuted’ White Farmers
Op-Ed Contributor: India Loves Data but Fails to Protect It
Family’s Fatal Plunge Off Cliff May Have Been Intentional, Authorities Say
What It Was Like to Finally Write My Will
Markets That Climbed the Trump Bump Are Tumbling Down From It
ProPublica
Addiction Drug’s Side Effect: More Overdoses?
ProPublica and NPR Win Investigative Reporters and Editors Award
A Betrayal
Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan Builds Power From the Ground Up — And Sometimes From the Basement
How Overbuilt Levees Along the Upper Mississippi River Push Floods Onto Others
Reddit News
Missouri couple faces huge fine and potential jail time for not having more than 50% of their yard planted with turf grass.
John McAfee reveals he charges $105,000 per promotional cryptocurrency tweet
Saudi crown prince says Israelis, Palestinians both have 'right to have their own land'
New police beating video clearly shows chokehold, aftermath
Sheriff faces no charges for leaving loaded handgun in middle school locker room.
Reuters
Europe joins sell-off but Wall Street eyes rebound
As China tightens squeeze, soul searching for Hong Kong's democracy movement
As Wall Street sinks, Trump is his own worst enemy
China ready for proportionate response to U.S. tariffs: envoy
Trump attorney seeks to force porn star's lawsuit into arbitration
Reveal News
Nation’s largest janitorial company faces new allegations of rape
A group of janitors started a movement to stop sexual abuse
The Hate Report: How white supremacists recruit online
New documents about Jehovah’s Witnesses’ sex abuse begin to leak out
California is preparing to defend its waters from Trump order
The Altantic
West Virginia's Teachers Are Not Satisfied
This Average Joe Is the Most Quoted Man in News
The Unsinkable Benjamin Netanyahu?
Eric Garcetti Isn't Expecting Much From Washington
The Particular Horror of Church Shootings
The Guardian
German prosecutors ask court to permit Puigdemont extradition to Spain
Markets fall as China-US tariffs spat fuels trade war fears - business live
Oligarchs hide billions in shell companies. Here's how we stop them | Frederik Obermaier and Bastian Obermayer
Afghan woman shot in face builds new life in Canada after US rejection
Boat carrying Rohingya refugees arrives in Malaysia
The Independent
UK manufacturing activity softens in early 2018, says new survey
UK cyclist killed in Menorca road accident named as IQE executive Phillip Rasmussen
Sinclair Broadcast Group responds to criticism of 'Orwellian' scripted mantra shown across local TV news
More than 50 British tourists rushed to hospital with mystery illness in NYC
Commonwealth Games 2018: England announce Alistair Brownlee as flag bearer
The Intercept
Israel Kills Palestinians and Western Liberals Shrug. Their Humanitarianism Is a Sham.
Donald Trump and the GOP Are Expanding a Controversial Obama-Era Public Housing Program
CFPB Head Mick Mulvaney Will Push for Legislative Changes to Hamper the Agency He Runs
Donald Trump’s Embrace of Abstinence-Only Sex Ed Is an Absurd Twist on a Failed Policy
A Guaranteed Jobs-for-All Program Is Gaining Traction Among 2020 Democratic Hopefuls
The Quartz
It’s not going to get better for Indian banks anytime soon
Panera Bread leaked customer data right on its website for months despite warnings
The death of a Russian conman has been greeted with cheers and despair in Nigeria
Who was here first? A new study explains the origins of ancient Indians
The world’s largest democracy is out to stifle its already docile press
Wall Street Journal
Trump Used Putin Call to Float Idea of White House Visit
South Korea Lacks Shelters, Equipment Needed in a Nuclear Attack
Syrians Begin Leaving Last Rebel-Held Town Near Capital
Activist Winnie Madikizela-Mandela Dies at 81
Migrant 'Caravan' in Mexico Raises Trump's Ire
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THE HUNDRED
Two days after getting laid off from my last job, I woke up, walked into an Irish pub five blocks from my apartment, took a seat, and didn’t leave for nine hours. It was here, after six proper pints of IPA and three shots of Jameson, I first became aware of the transcendent beauty of a bar. It unveiled itself to me, a fleeting vision of the Virgin Mary to a Mexican peasant farmer. The mysterious, moody browns in a bottle of Woodford Reserve. Patron Silver’s intimidating squat, daring eye contact. The embossed decanter – Sherry? Cognac? – peeking out of the middle shelf, evoking memories of grandma. To extend my entry into this higher level of enlightenment, I humbly ordered another shot, deciding upon Jim Beam, the fuel of blue-collar America (according to movies). With total understanding that comes only with daytime drunkenness, I watched as the bartender skillfully turned the bottle over, releasing a silent, smooth pour into the endless void of my glass.
It was the prettiest shot I ever saw.
Shot 1:
A twenty-three-ounce can of Coors Light, on the other hand, is not intended for shots. It gurgles out its beer, reluctantly, as if questioning your decision (along with everyone else you know). Immediately, my one-and-a-half ounce shot glass, the one with “Welcome to Jamaica” embossed on the side, overflows. Examining the beer that has spilled upon the wood floor below, my cat pauses, and then decides it is worth lapping up.
The shot is cold, carbonated, harsh, delicious. This is less beer than I usually consume in a single sip, and years of conditioned drinking immediately make me want more.
Taking ninety-nine of these is not going to be a problem.
•
I've never done The Century Club before, or, for that matter, any college drinking games: beer pong, quarters, asshole, that game where everyone sticks a card to their forehead and bets.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Indian Poker. What this game has to do with Indians is still with research.]
[EDITOR’S NOTE: The editor is just a sober version of the writer.]
[EDITOR’S NOTE: The editor is unaware if you can put three editor’s notes in a row, and if so, which punctuation you use to separate it.]
While other nineteen-year-olds were exploring the vigors of fucking under black lights and constructing six-foot high bongs from root beer cans, I was hiding inside a dorm room with my Seventh-Day Adventist roommate. At the time, I considered my support of his weekend lock-ins to be a result of my ceaseless selflessness, always putting others ahead of myself. Years of reflection (aided by New York’s finest bartenders) revealed the truth to be more mundane: I was insecure, with a mild case of social anxiety.
Without intentionally trying to insult your expertise in vice, I’d like to inform any of those unaware that The Century Club involves drinking a shot of beer every minute for one-hundred minutes straight. (A Google search for “The Century Club” reveals a surprising number of disparate definitions for this club. It is a club for those who have traveled to 100 or more countries, had sex with 100 partners, cadets who have marched 100 hours, FIFA players who have played 100 or more matches. It seems the drinking beer Century Club is the least impressive club even within the realm of Century Clubs.)
The Century Club makes the most sense in college, when you have one class a week (which you miss) and compete with your roommates to find creative ways to get drunk as quickly and cheaply as possible (jungle juice). It becomes less useful as an adult, where a drunk face accompanied by passionate conversations about how awesome it would be to have Gatling guns for hands no longer entertains your roommate, now called a wife.
So why am I doing it now, at age 33? A man can only take so many baby showers, 401(k) statements, cholesterol tests, and $115-dollar-a-ticket musicals featuring singing monkeys before The Century Club becomes a self-evident way to reverse lingering regrets and stake a claim in the country of man. In fact, it may be the only way. So I bought two cases of beer, called my friend John, set up a sanctuary in my small Brooklyn apartment, and started consuming beer from a shot glass, one minute at a time.
The following is a live transcript of what transpired, written under the increasing influence of these beer shots.
•
Shot 2 - 10:
Despite my early enthusiasm, the next nine shots go down with unexpected and worrying difficulty. I can already see where the challenge will arise as I continue on my path towards collegiate immortality: Time. Minutes just aren’t as long as I seem to remember. Sure, I can drink a lot, but at my own pace. This pace is forced; a war prisoner’s march through a hot Filipino jungle, not a jaunt through the local park. I also begin questioning the amount I ate this morning. A friend who tried this before ate too much sushi before his attempt, and said it messed him up, so I didn’t really eat. But now, it seems my stomach has shrunk. By shot seven, i'm Googling “belly blow up”. Fortunately, the results assure me stomachs rarely explode, which I confirm via a linked MythBuster’s video clip in which they unsuccessfully try to explode a dead pig’s stomach with an infinite amount of Coca-Cola and cherry Pop Rocks. Did you ever see the movie Urban Legends? It wasn’t very good. I think they did something with Pop Rocks and Coke in there.
•
Shots 11 – 20:
The shots are small, but maddeningly frequent. Chinese beer torture: Shot. Pause. Shot. Pause. Shot.
My quest to add this accomplishment to my impressive drinking resume is already becoming doubtful. I’m swallowing the shots, as I would a glass of water, which is the only way I know to consume foods and liquids. (Which gives my throat a chance to approve or disapprove of the size and type of material that shall pass its gates, ensuring I don’t swallow an entire chicken wing.) John says I should be shooting them, not drinking them. The truth is, I am too much of a pussy to shoot anything. Open the throat and pour it down, John says. I try it, start to cough, spill more beer. This is going almost as poorly as the time I tried my first beer bong, viewable on YouTube under the title “World’s Worst Beer Bong Ever”. It seems I am a decent drinker until it reaches competitive status, at which point I revert back to a terrified little school boy.
John has inherent advantages in this quest that quickly become apparent. First, he has done this before. (He was in a fraternity. I was in College Bowl.) Second, he’s big. The kind of big where a shot glass in his hand seems like a pen cap. Third, he’s from Rochester, New York. I’ve never been, so I’m not sure what that means, but I imagine if there’s anywhere where men regularly do Century Clubs for fun, it’d be there.
I’m pretty sure Alice the kitten is drunk.
•
At age 12, I developed a serious acne problem. Pimples raised off my skin like magma bubbles, and it was critical I correct this issue, quickly, as my emaciated 135-pound body, replete with heavy eyewear and history of poor fashion choices, already had me reeling in the complex social orbits of the 8th grade universe. In response, my doctor blithely prescribed tetracycline, an antibiotic he'd been using since he became a doctor sometime during the last Polio outbreak. I blame this medical failure on doctors failing to appreciate that an acne diagnosis as a youth is the emotional equivalent of a cancer diagnosis as an adult. Your fragile mind is devastated on all levels. The fear of mockery in front of Michelle (Imagine: A smoldering, four-foot-seven-inch seductress, very good at naming state capitols) or Tara (Imagine: A playful, innocent blonde with a talent for woodwind instruments) was a terror perhaps only felt by the mice my science teacher regularly dropped into the snake tank. These fears scar you worse than the acne itself, resulting in a stunted development of self-confidence, a problem never truly conquered, no matter how much money, vaginal experience, or success you accumulate.
The inherent problem with Tetracycline, beyond its utter ineffectiveness, was actually masked by an altogether different problem: as a hypochondriac-in-training, I was certain I would choke on the 50-mg pills I was prescribed. This choking fear had manifested itself throughout my childhood, such that at this point, I had only swallowed one or two pills ever. But the acne had to go, even at risk of death-by-pill-choke. I initially tried cutting the pills in half, then swallow them. This proved unworkable, as the jagged edges of the cut pill scratched my throat upon the swallow. I tried dissolving them in water. I tried eating them. Eventually, I realized if I drank a huge gulp of water with a pill thrown in I could swallow the pill, though even getting to that point took about eighteen terrifying minutes a night.
In the end, none of it mattered. The doctor's lack of imaginative, or accurate, treatment resulted in little improvement. The acne remained for another year, before the wondrous drug Acutane rid me of it forever. (While simultaneously ridding me of a functioning liver, lower pancreas, and left kidney).
•
Shot 21 - 30:
We've encountered our second serious barrier. Neither John or me are able to figure out how to count all the slashes on the napkin that is acting as our semi-official scorecard. Because drunk college kids aren’t known for their responsible administrative skills, when we looked online for rules to The Century Club, it didn’t mention anything about scorekeeping. In drunken retrospect, we agree we should have invited a third as an official counter. As this exercise has taught us, two things you quickly lose when drinking is an ability to count, and ability to make marks that you will later be able to count. The good news is I’m definitely in some sort of zone. It’s that drinking twilight period where the alcohol begins to eliminate worries and improve confidence. (In my past, this confidence has gotten me to believe that I could take a 6’8” bouncer, walk 40 miles home, and, well, drink 100 shots of beer.)
•
In college, I was a basketball referee for the university’s intramural league. This was a bad idea on many fronts, most notably that I was trying to impose rules upon people who were either my age, or older, and often times in class with me. Watch an NFL, MLB or NBA game some time. Notice that the referees and umpires are without question a minimum of ten years older than the players they are supervising. This guarantees a certain amount of respect. Granted, America is certainly no Asia when it comes to respect for elders, but there is still a lingering regard that serves as a buffer between player and regulator: grey hair means wisdom. When you strip this age gap away, you have the situation I was in. Players would ignore my whistle and continue to play. They’d call fouls on themselves. If they didn’t like my call, they’d look at me curiously and drop the ball at my feet. These disagreements would find their way into classes and parties.
I quit after the fall season was over.
I imagine this is the same reason The Century Club doesn’t call for a sanctioned referee. Unless you are able to find a fifty-year-old willing to sit and watch you drink one-hundred shots of beer, you are stuck to someone your own age. And someone your own age is probably drinking with you. This is why there has probably never been a fully accurate Century Club ever.
•
Shot 31 - 40:
The minutes are flying by. To prove my point, apparently writing “the minutes are flying by” took a minute, because John just announced the next shot. John is very non-descript when he speaks. Just informs me. Like he's telling me that my cable bill is due. To further prove my point, these are all the notes I have from those ten shots.
•
Shot 41 - 54:
Not sure what is happening here. It is 5:33 PM. Not sure where we are on the shots. Not sure I can type, actually. I'm definately drunk. Why is Microsoft Word underlining definately? Am I spelling it wrong?
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes]
This fucking spell check is like an evil fucking warlock. You can’t trust it. What is the difference between a warlock and a wizard? I wanted to say wizard but then chose warlock. What about a sorcerer? What is that? How are they different? What is a female warlock? A Warlockess? I know sorceress works. Jesus. It seems like John calls "shot" every fucking second. Seriously, he must be fucking with me. This is not every minute. No chance.
I have no chance of hitting 100. No fucking chance. I just gotta hit 70, cause that seems cool.
Amazing. Before trying this. 100 shots of beer sounded like nothing. I thought I'd have no problem. But this is definately added up. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Fucking stop underlining definitely!
[EDITOR’S NOTE: It is definitely.]
I know it is right!!!!
[EDITOR’S NOTE: It isn’t.]
fuckers.
•
When I was in fourth grade, I hung out with two middle-school kids, Scott and Eric. They introduced me to the secretive game of Dungeons and Dragons, which seemed to me akin to time travel. My parents were troubled with the arrangement. They knew as adults what I didn’t as a kid: eighth-graders shouldn’t want to hang out with fourth-graders, unless they couldn’t make friends with other eighth-graders, which would indicate some sort of social adjustment issue. Regardless, the advantage was that I had access to well-seasoned Dungeon Masters who would spend weeks planning elaborate adventures, pitting my Level 4 thief with high dexterity against the challenges of deceitful innkeepers, purple dragon knights, and beguilers with multiple spells. I spent an entire fall on one adventure, racing home after school to jump back into the world of paladins, water forests, and underground castles, which certainly beat the other world of math homework and shoveling up the dog shit in the backyard. To this day, this is the reason I have such strong opinions on the differences between shamans and duskblades, particularly after fifty-one shots of Coors Lite.
•
Shot 55 - 62:
Food is helping. Not sure if that is allowed in college level. But true Century Club means no pissing, no food, no anything. But that's bullshit. I'm 38, i Make the fucking rules. That was nice just now. Capitalizing the M in make. NOt sure why. But the .
hmm. forgot the sentence there. Jesus. Another shot. One sec. I got a second wind. but then lost it.
This is like sixteenth wind. Now I feel like i'm gonna puke.
Just got an update. shot 59.
•
At some point in college, once I ditched the Seventh-Day Adventist roommate and started experiencing the miracle of drinking, I was filmed while drunk. This was in the mid-nineties. Film cameras were around, but rarely in the hands of a broke college kid. Usually, you only saw film of yourself at important (boring) events, when parents would be filming: high school graduations, birthday parties, grandma visits. Because I had never seen film of myself living real life, I had created a vivid picture in my head of what I looked like and how I talked in these instances. During the filming in question, I was maybe six beers in, sitting at a table with two of my roommates. In my mind, we were having a clear, rational conversation about sports. I distinctly remember it being very subdued.
Then I watched the film about two weeks later. I was slurring, standing on a chair, talking loudly, and laughing. It was a completely different reality to what was in my head.
It was then that I forever became aware that the minute you think you aren’t drunk, you are.
•
Shot 62 - 72:
Hmm, not sure why I wrote 5:50. It is 5:47 Pm.
small m. I'm definately getting a small wind. I swear to all of you, those of you who read, those of you who don't read, those of the small children of people who wear undergarments, and to the walrus professors, if this fucking this underlines hmm or
definately one more time i'm gonna fucking freak. why is i'm underlined? cause it isn't a capital I? fuck this system. fucking grammar fucking nazi fucking
carpet fucker.
•
Have you ever sky dived? I haven’t. Pussies don’t sky dive. We’d spend every second in the air mortified that the parachute won’t deploy, and once proven that it did, the remainder of the time worrying that we were going to land in water and die. We didn’t play Little League as kids out of fear we’d get hit in the head with a fastball. We don’t scuba dive: Sharks! Moray eels! Regulator malfunctions! We don’t eat carpaccio (stomach worms), use public toilets (AIDS), or visit the inner city (stab wounds). We don’t like to ski (avalanche) and certainly not ski jump (obvious). We keep stickers on products that say “please do not remove this sticker”. We put trash cans in front of our bedroom doors when we go to sleep, because an intruder wouldn’t expect it.
It is with this in mind that The Century Club becomes a larger achievement. I am overcoming a fear of shots, alcoholism, hangovers and ruptured stomachs. I’m a regular Sir Edmund Hillary of drinking.
•
Shot 72 - 81:
Jesus. The benefit here is that the drunker I get the easier it is to take shots. I'm in respectable territory. 7yso shots. whoops. 70 shopts. FUCK. 70 shots. power hour accomplished. stomach doesn't feel good. lik a little gnome is digging a grave in there (i am not drunk enough to forget that gnome needs a g, unlike nome, alaska. not sure if that is right).
Jessie is talking in Babylonian sanskrit.
[EDITOR’S NOTE:: Jessie is John’s wife who showed up midway, unamused.]
Not sure what is happening here. Concentration is difficult.
Stomach hurts.
discussion has turned to the golden anniversary, which john assures me is 75 shots. what are all of those? the diamond anniversary, golden, hairy beaver, etc. stomach is hurting,. not like in vomit level, but in like it feels like Seattle is sitting inside of
it. All of seattle. the drunker i get the better chance i have.
hey: fuck you!
•
I’m the patron saint of missed opportunities. Unfortunately, the awareness that an experience is in fact an opportunity usually doesn’t form in my consciousness until about four minutes after the opportunity has already passed. However, this doesn’t stop me from returning to the scene of the opportunity after those four minutes to see if I cannot correct my mistake and actually grab the opportunity, if it is in fact still there. Which it never is. Sometimes I’ll linger at the scene of the opportunity for hours, such as the time I hung out near the bathroom at a house party, reeling in guilt from my previous missed opportunity of talking to the most beautiful girl at the party, who was trying to strike up conversation with me, to which I was unaware, assuming she was directing her conversation to someone else, until the point where I actually had to go into the bathroom, concluding a period of very awkward gestures on my part. Despite resolving to redeem myself by looking for her the rest of the night, she had, in fact, left.
And so it is, four minutes after quitting Century Club, I resolve to re-join it.
•
Shot 82:
Drunk just happened. shot 81, but our recording has been off. stomach hurts. full, nauseus, everything.
can't go much longer. we busted out the music, hope
that helps. literally. at this very moment, right around the second l of literally, i got drunk. i am fuly drunk. can't spell or think right. hurting. not sure ican take another.
bakc in the game.
tapped out for four shots. the amount of beer cans is amazing. reminds me of stephen upstairs. taking a bunch of shots doesn't mean much. but when you see the cans you realize your accomoplishment. amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it. usually that means one-legged people scaling mt.
everest or women going to mars, but now it means
mark anderson drinking 100 beers.
•
I’ve never achieved anything of real note. Mostly, I’ve assembled a life that would’ve have been great in 1955: I graduated college, I pay my bills, I visited Europe, I’m not fat. But any real accomplishments – selling a screenplay, playing Division I college basketball, swimming the Atlantic – have not been in the cards. That isn’t to say I haven’t gotten close: I was almost on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and got into the third interview of an available writer position for The Onion. But I’ve always been a fourth place kind of guy … that guy in line at a club that reaches maximum occupancy when he reaches the door. So rather than upgrade your achievements, you eventually learn to change them. Get published? No, but I will get drunk. Get into the 40/40 club? No, but I will get into The Century Club. And I’ll take as much pride in that as Barry Bonds did with his.
•
Shot 83 - 91:
[EDITOR’S NOTE: There are no intelligible notes for this section of the Century Club]
•
Shot 92 - 99:
i need someone other than jesus to say where i am right now. usually jesus is enough but not tongith. usually jesus is for before 80 shots. this is for past that. i need some new savior. like from the egyptians. Io. i think that is the god of the sun or something. so now, Io. Dear Io, I am hurting.
[IO’S NOTE: Be strong, like my bosom]
Stomach is full beyond capacity. Literally, this is like putting a 27 inch cock into a woman. Just can't take anymore. That's what i'm doing, only i'm the woman. Some fat greasy hairy guy is sweating on top of me trying to stick it in. and more than anything i want
him off. oh, there was a good burp, helped me. i might not do century club in 100 minutes, but i'll fucking do it you assholes. Dios Io!
I’m close.
•
When I was in the eighth-grade, my best friend at the time convinced me to join my school’s cross-country team. Now, I neither liked running nor the country, but I was impressionable, and running seemed a whole lot easier than volleyball or la crosse or the other sports in school that needed people so bad they took whoever signed up without even needed try-outs. So I bought a pair of New Balance and hit the ol’ cross country trails in the canyons of northeastern San Diego.
It wasn’t long before I realized I had a fatal flaw when it came to cross-country: The closer I got to the finish line, the less I felt like running, until I’d almost stop and walk to the end. I’ve always been content with getting close. The actually finishing is just a forethought. Which is why I’ve started fifty different hobbies over the years: trumpet, acting, basketball, but ended all of them when I got “ok”.
There is no such thing as “ok” in the Century Club. Either you cross that finish line, or you are out of the fraternity for good. Even as a 38-year-old.
•
Shot 100:
Guest blogger Jonh Graham, as I am unable to continue with my blog due to drunkennesss. I sjust ended 100 shots, and i don't think you will believe me, so i need esxplanation from John:
[EDITOR’S NOTE]: There is no explanation from John. The transcript ends here.
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There’s a Glenn Greenwald in all our Heads — He Mustn’t Be Destroyed.
So you found my message in a bottle on Copacabana beach, or in the sea; which evidently you got in to ‘fetch’; Congratulations,
Hiya,
It is right now twilight in my leafy sanctuary, and the amphibian purr of the rainforest — that ethereal constant, by now so familiar and so dear I know that to it, I have surrendered an enclave of my being — has prompted first, inclination to cleanse these half century worn muscles with my nightly yoga skit on the porch as the dogs run around outside like mad cats beneath the encroaching romance of the moonlight, then the compulsion to write this letter, by hand and by candlelight to you, a complete stranger, with free time only a lack of internet access could realistically inspire.
You see it poured with rain earlier; there was yet another power-cut, and the lines have been down for hours now. Which is too bad. My sort-of-boss wanted to get in touch this evening to discuss whatever legal issues hover over my latest, and for that reason, presumably, LOL, still yet to be published article.
The delay’s all been thanks to The Deatheaters at GCHQ: Who once again have gotten in touch with their specious appeals to “wahhh, ah, don’t publish, national security!” when in this instance all they seem to want to do, in fact all they ever seem to want to do is cover their own sorry incompetent asses. And don’t get me started on Professor Sir David Omand De Pfeffel III or whatever his name isn’t — that guy. That sneering, contemptuous, duckbilled platypus of a man who, if not shuffling along the corridors of the War Studies department at Kings College London, mumbling to himself and his colleagues about “The Terrorists” can be found on UK television waving classified documents redacted to the point of incoherency in Channel 4 News’ John Snow’s face; lambasting him for “not covering the story accurately” and causing “needless fear and confusion.” Omand��s open disdain for the public is obscene and astounding. The UK is astounding. But would Omand debate me Live, and face to face, about the broader implications of mass surveillance at its current technological velocity, hmmm? No, of course he wouldn’t. Because obviously he knows that GG (emphasis MINE) would wipe the floor with him.
Stepping back, you know it’s actually quite funny, ironic even. I think? I’ve mentioned this in interviews before of course although it certainly bears repeating here too. My sort-of boss, this guy, this Ebay guy, Pierre Omidyar. Mmmm-hmmm, that’s right, get this: Well, Pierre can’t get in touch with me a lot of the time because of the outages, yet he’s a multi-billionaire computer and technology whizz with coalescing political, philanthropic and entrepreneurial goals (that’s PPE to you, British establishment! LOL.) The point is none of that stuff makes a difference here. Not money nor status nor expertise, and tidbits such as these keep me grounded. You know, those little reminders that even one of the most influential and tech-savvy people in the world, not to mention a bestselling author and journalist whom reports on cutting edge computer technologies as weaponised by the burgeoning global security state, aka yours truly, me, Glenn Greenwald, that’s right bitches, are subject to the whim of a tropical downpour and temperamental public infrastructure, just like everybody else. Which means often Pierre and I are unable to email or even call one other for this reason, let alone encrypt our communications. Hell — I can barely encrypt!
But no matter because here in the rainforest. The rainforest in which I live. The rainforest from which I conduct most of my adversarial business in between regular trips back and forth to the US to attend MSM interviews & a variety of public and private speaking engagements, nature’s obstacles usually prevail. And I respect that.
I love not man the less; but nature more. I love not man the less, but nature more. This quote, by Lord Byron of all people rolled over in my head as I walked the dogs today, and it seems to make more sense with the so-called passage of so-called time. Nevertheless civilisation, free speech, civility, order — not too much though — also justice, always justice, justice applied to the largest and yes at times even the most mundane aspects of public life, has really always been my passion. And yet still, still, I feel most at home in the lushness, solitude and natural lawlessness of the jungle; where civilisation’s most concrete hallmarks and affectations are relatively scarce. I am conscious of this duality and honestly I’m still not sure what to make of it. What I do know is that the eleven adorable rescue pups David and I adopted from the local santuário animal a couple of years back really have transformed our lives for the better. We feel a deep-seated affection for our unruly four-legged companions; who have become a necessary counterforce to the many stresses our working hours burden us with. Each has a unique personality and complex emotional needs. This is how I personally have experienced every dog I’ve crossed paths with in all my forty nine years. And you know what? To me that’s life affirming. You see the dogs help me help myself let go of all that rage. The kind of debilitating rage only interaction with you the people could ever insight (LOL).
The birds living here with us in this sprawling primeval forestry we call home love it when it rains, but they sing louder when it pours, and whenever they do, and whenever it does, echoes of real-life tweets streak through the sodden air and then into my grateful ears whenever the wind’s blowing in my favour. The humidity here reminds me of my home state Florida, a place I left an inordinately long time ago now. The strangest of personal circumstances tend to develop in the lives of Floridians who actually leave Florida by the way. The meme is true. I am, by no memes, an exception to this ‘rule’ and yes I’ve certainly led a variegated life so far. Like many if not most people have. It’s not that I’m secretive about my past, nor about how I got here either, per se. It’s just that it’s none of your damn business is it really. And I think perhaps you should respect that. Enough about Cocky Boys already, pedants. It’s been done. Twice already. Whatever.
I was a member elect of the *drumroll* Lauderdale Lakes City Council recreation advisory board by the time I was eight. So admittedly I’ve been aware of this ‘game’ for a long time now, starting my own journey on the other side of the public/private tracks before relinquishing my post a year later to pursue other projects, namely cub scouts, at age nine (LOL).
I ran for council even, unsuccessfully it would eventually transpire although boy did I learn a whole lot about US electoral politics during that election campaign, when I was seventeen. Growing up, my grandfather was a Lauderdale Lakes City councillor for many years — as far back as I can remember in fact — and it was from him I learnt that the principles and constitutional rights of all must be upheld ‘doggedly’ (LOL) no matter how odious that token, idea, or indeed even that person might be.
I’m actually a bigger picture kinda guy really, and I’m funny and nice as anything in real life. But I also know the intricacies of the system because I’ve been there, okay, an insider of various descriptions, with first hand experience of these institutions in operational flux as their representatives often superficially interact with, lie to and clash with one another. You have no idea how much of a mess all this is of course. But I do. I know the system’s geared towards the moneyed, the unashamed pursuit of the ego; that in a comparable sense the law exists to infantilise, imprison and fine the unruly masses while invariably loop-de-looping for those wealthier entities, who admittedly I jam with from time to time, even though it’s obvious, self-evident maybe, that even ‘The Good Billionaires’ see buying political power as but one manifestation of the natural order of things. Which troubles me of course. Only how much really? And what if they’re right? I’ve heard about the sinister echoes along D.C. corridors: I’ve seen the grubby fingermarks lining the walls and yes I’ve spoken to the beasts that frequent the hallways and the conference rooms. (Obama voice) I get it, really.
There really are glimmers of hope though and yet rarely do we ever focus on them. As I write these words a small but dedicated army of human rights activists and free speech lawyers are in perpetual battle with the encroaching security state to carve out and maintain as safe a legal space as possible for whistleblowers and political dissidents alike. These are people who use their skills for good. Who refuse to serve ‘corporate interests’ and choose instead to secure the rights of whistleblowers everywhere by bolstering as best they can the safety net that whistleblowers are legally guaranteed.
I upheld the constitutional rights of a corporation myself before. A tobacco company no less. Whatever god is knows that I have. But I soon realised I was emptier for it. That I was merely existing. I started to blog soon-after before upping sticks, leaving my life in New York along with a relationship that had sadly long since run its course behind, and moved to Rio in ’05, where I was blessed enough to meet my soulmate, David Miranda, and then find this wonderful paradise for us to live in before my ‘second-wind’ career of sorts really started to take off. And now the rest, as they say (LOL), is history.
I started blogging as online media began to challenge and disrepute the establishment press and, I think, redefine the global media order entirely. People liked my work (LOL); I managed to land the Salon gig; The Guardian one after that. There, I was able to draw attention to NSA mass surveillance as the story crescendoed. As the NSA insiders continued to come forward and as that constitutional gut punch, The Patriot Act, was finally being acknowledged for the abomination it so demonstrably was and continues to be within broader political discourse. However nothing could have prepared me for the Snowden thing and everything he has entailed since. It’s been the most insane thing. An admission here, just a small one because, well, I’ve been candid thus far and it only feels right that I continue in this vein. So here goes:
It actually wasn’t a Rubik’s cube Snowden was carrying with him in the hotel lobby the day we met. As the Oscar Winning film Citizen Four suggests. Nuh uh. Ed had a Rubik’s cube, which he’d planned to use for the purposes that we described to you in the film, only turns out that he lost it the day we arranged to meet. We filmed all that crap afterwards. He was closing a window in his hotel room that morning when he sneezed, and his natural response was to move his hand over his mouth, like any good boy would. As he did so, the Rubiks cube, which was in his hand at this point, I have no idea why and to this day neither does he — slipped from his grip, and then ricocheted off his cheek, somehow. As if in slow motion; right through the tiny opening in the window. I mean really, what are the odds?! He was in his hotel room on the 51st floor so obviously he couldn’t leave the building for security reasons. When Laura and I heard the news via p2p we were absolutely devastated. How could this even happen?
With only a small window (LOL) of opportunity to amend the plan; the only thing we could think of was thus: We would meet Ed in the lobby just as planned, but instead of holding a Rubik’s cube, he’d be the guy in the furthest right hand corner of the room, facing the wall. Slowly, but purposefully banging his head up against it. Only little did we know, at that exact spot, just three days previously a decorative Chao Gong had been mounted on that particular stretch of wall. So when we arrived, there Snowden was: A young, scrawny looking man (Laura & I had expected him to be of retirement age up to this point) stood there banging his head against it as three startled receptionists from the lobby-desk bustled frantically around him, offering a glass of water, pleading with him to take a seat. Laura, Ewen and I hurried over when we spotted him and when he did the same he followed us to the end of the lobby and then out into the hallway where we exchanged nervous, awkward, but sympathetic glances before stepping into the lift together, going up, exiting, and then walking up to the hotel room in complete silence.
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