#or would it have been basically the exact same but come sooner?

[coldgoldlazarus]

I just want them to give Hunters a huge overhaul remake that can do more with the core premise, honestly.

[yanmuffins]

what if the dimension of batman vs vampires p&f reader and damian accidentally stumbles upon is vampire!reader dimension? oh, and they arrive after vampire!reader is killed and turned into a vampire

the drama if p&f reader looks the exact same as vampire!reader (honestly, i see them as two different people since p&f reader is the same age as Damian and vampire!reader seems to be dick's age), since bruce looks at them and can't quite remember If vampire!reader looked like this when they were little

they all looking at p&f reader and damian being kids and wondering If vampire!reader were like that at this age, but then realizing that they don't have memories of vampire!reader like that

the despair, the anxiety, the guilt they fell

Why didn't they noticed vampire!reader sooner? why didn't they acknowledged them? why why why why

now vampire!reader it's nowhere to be found, and they could be in danger (they are), hell, for all they know they could be dead! (they kinda are)

and p&f reader and damian slowly backing away as they watch these alternate versions of their family descend into madness

let's just hope that version of the batfam finds vampire!reader fast and don't become desperate enough to end up becoming yanderes for p&f reader too

context &. context.

interesting!!!

i think vampire! reader and p&f! reader are basically just different versions of the same person. p&f! reader is gender neutral so they could be whatever gender you want them to be, while vampire! reader is female. also, you are correct, vampire! reader is older. while p&f! reader is around a year older than damian and came to the manor after him (being around 10 when they came to the manor and 14 in the fic), vampire! reader is around 21-years-old, closer to jason in age, and came to the manor somwhere between dick leaving for the teen titans and bruce adopting jason.

so, yes, p&f! reader is not only younger, but was the last one to arrive at the manor in their reality, and they had a pretty good, healthy childhood before that. not to mention bruce already had damian, so the concept of a biological child wasn't entirely alien to him, and they already had their hands full with him. the familial bonds ate tight-knit, lives are too busy, bruce already has to deal with his exceptional children and since reader is so normal, they're kinda overlooked.

and although there are similarities in the way and reasons both readers are neglected, i think it's worse with vampire! reader. she's around 7 when she comes to the manor, the circumstances around it being extremely shady (it was a scandal), and she's there before anyone except dick, whom she has shallow interactions with. from then on comes jason and the following children, and she just has to watch her father (and older brother) make time for everyone but her.

anyway, appearence-wise, p&f! reader and vampire! essentially look the same, or at least extremely similiar. but here's the thing: vampire reader's bruce does remember what his daughter looked like when she was around p&f! reader's age. and that's what makes him crumble, because vampire! reader looked abstemious and somber from a yong age, which is a far cry from her younger, alternate-dimension version.

that fact hits him the hardest, but dick notices it too. his birdie looked like a mini-adult from the day she came to the manor, and seeing p&f! reader he just wishes he could have actually bothered to be there for her. jason notices it the most because he was the one closest to reader before joker killed him, as she was the only one in the manor around his age. the others, though?

they have no idea. mostly because they weren't there when vampire! reader was a kid, but there are some memories; of her welcoming them home, little acts of affection, trying to get close to them. and they took it for granted. they started noticing her lately, yeah, but as it seems it had been a bit too late.

vampire! au damian would feel kinda jealous of the sibling bond p&f! reader and damian share, it would stir conflict between the two damians which i think could be funny amidst the angst (if you ignore that they're both kinda terrified of this batfam spiraling). all in all, i think bruce thinks of how shit it is to have a child missing so he would make sure to help send both p&f! reader and damian home safely. he's got his own kid to take care of and good lord, that's going too big of a mess for him to even worry about the two intruders in his dimension.

[king-crawler]

HEY HI HELLO

Sorry for the random message here In the asks, it's ok if you don't see this or answer it since you probably got a lot already and I understand if you don't see this!/gen

But first of all, I just wanna say

I CANT BELIEVE I HAVENT WATCHED YOUR ANALYSIS VIDEO SOONER IM SO FUCKING LATE MAN

It's so well done and so fucking funny, I was literally smiling and cackling through the whole thing, it's shocking how similar our humor is

NOT TO MENTION THE END SCENE AREE YOU KIDDING HOW DID YOU MATCH THE LYRICS SO PERFECTLY TO THE FUCKING LORE ITS INCREDIBLE 😭💜/GEN, POS

It's insane how much dedication is put into it, let alone singlehandedly feeding turbo fans as myself

Genuinely thought it's so nice seeing more content for a hyperfixation I've had since 2012, and the fandom coming back along with this video Genuinely brings me so much joy as someone who's loved this movie since I was a kid

Sorry for the ramble but genuinely thank you for making that video, I can't wait to see what other stuff you do, wreck it ralph or not I WILL be tuning in/gen, pos

Okay second of all

The main reason why I'm sending this is because of sometning I noticed while rewatching a scene in the movie

Now, this might be me over analyzing as I usually do but it feels TOO. OBVIOUS.

SO

IN the kart bakery scene where vanellope and ralph go to bake a kart, they obviously make their way into the building and into the main room

You see all the Karts of course, and It pans to the one vanellope chooses

Which, at first glance you wouldn't really pay too much attention, especially when watching it for the first time, she's just picking the model she likes

..but looking back at the scene

Vanellope's kart model, how it was supposed to look, looks very

Familiar

Because the kart she chose..

...is a red and white kart

With stripes down the middle, with a very similar shape to a..certain persons kart. Now this might just be nothing, it's probably just like I said, and over analysis on my part

But the kart the chose looks WAY too similar to turbo's, not to mention the stripe is down the middle, just like turbo's car on the cabinet art of him

And vanellope could've chosen ANY kart

But it was that specific kart she chose, out of any of the karts

Not to mention in some of vanellope's concept art...

(Art made by Lorelay Bove)

..Vanellope's concept design and turbos designs strike SCARILY uncanny resemblances to each others designs

From the helmet and colors

All the way down to her GOGGLES having the SAME. YELLOW. TINT. that candy's have in the movie, which have the same effect here. There's no way that this didn't have the intent to mirror turbo purposefully

So with that in mind, the kart vanellope chose in the kart bakery scene being turbo foreshadowing, wouldn't be too out of place, nor would it be too far off

Turbo's foreshadowing was always prominent, even in the smallest details you wouldn't focus on, just like he's infecting this world as a virus, little by little, everywhere. You. Turn.

Aaaand that's basically all I have to really say

Sorry for the long ramble, I've been thinking of submitting this for awhile now, especially after I told a friend about this and they mentioned that this should be submitted to you

So I decided to go ahead and just do it, no matter how wild my comparisons might sound-

Anyways, I hope you have a good day, night, or what time it may be, and keep being awesome! I can't wait to hear back if you see this! Bye-bye! ❤️🏎🏆

P.s

I've been quoting these since I watched the video and haven't stopped

Thanks for destroying my humor even more-/pos

Okay bye bye now-

-skitters away-

NO YOU'RE SO FUCKING RIGHT OH MY GOD VANELLOPE WAS ALWAYS A TURBO PARALLEL??? CHAT IS THIS TRUE. IVE NEVER SEEN THAT CONCEPT ART OF HER TEEHEE THANKS FOR SHARING

also God. This is 99% just a coincidence with zero merit because its such a common gesture- but Ralph and Vanellope doing their thumbs up.. maybe Turbo parallels ?? and like the EXACT same poses too:

Vanellope having one hand on the steering wheel and the other doing a thumbs up while facing the camera.

Ralph hunched over doing the double thumbs up with the visor tinting his face yellow. EXCUSE ME HMMM?? WHAT THE FUCK??

NOW COULD I BE CHERRY PICKING? PERHAPS. but when Turbo has barely a minute of screentime, there's not a lot i can pick from, and things SURE ARE LINING UP... (I'm cherry picking)

SO SHHHHHH... ❤️❤️❤️❤️ LET ME HAVE MY LITTLE CONSPIRASCY

[the-kr8tor]

TTN hobie and reader where reader is back from LA and hobie is showing her his spider powers. I think it would be interesting to see r’s reaction to seeing them irl and not just on a tv across the other side of the world 😭

Also I can’t remebr my exact wording of my requests from when I wrote them the first time so I hope these match up well with the ones from before 😅

-🕊️ anon

Thank you for another TTN request! ❤️

Pairing: Hobie Brown x fem! Reader/ Spider-Punk x fem! Reader

Tags: No use of Y/N, no specific physical description of the reader, TTN! Hobie, TTN! Reader, FLUFF.

Thread the Needle Masterlist

TTN oneshots

ʕ⁠·⁠ᴥ⁠·⁠ʔ

"Have to tell you somethin'" Hobie suddenly pipes up while you two are comfortably cuddling on the couch, watching some action movie that you've grown to actually like despite the crazy plot and mid acting. He hasn't been paying close attention to it, how could he when his secret gnaws at the back of his head?

"Hmm?" You look up from where you're resting your head on his chest, hand splayed over his abdomen where his shirt has ridden up. He doesn't mind that you're basically groping the muscles underneath since he's doing the same thing to the soft skin of your hip.

The TV's light shines on the side of your face, he takes you in, inhaling sharply, Hobie cups your chin, getting your attention. "Need to tell you somethin'" he emphasizes.

"Okay" you sit straight at his sudden serious tone, different from the flirty tone he sported a few minutes ago.

"I'm Spider-Man"

"Oh" you hold your chest in relief. "I know, Hobs" your voice is full of affection and fondness for the man before you, holding and kneading at his shoulder blade in an attempt to calm his fast heartbeat.

Hobie's eyes grow wide, he watches you in awe for figuring it out. He lays his forehead over yours in relief, relieved that you took the revelation well. There's always that gut feeling from Hobie that you've always known, you chose to wait for him to tell you himself. He's grateful for you, for waiting and staying with him even after keeping it a secret from you.

You can't blame him though, he just doesn't want you to worry. Love does that sometimes.

"And here I thought you would scream in surprise" Hobie pulls away, heart eyes staring back at his best friend.

"Do you want me to? I could still do that" you inhale like you're readying yourself to yell. Hobie lets you act surprised, your voice echoing out in the dark, louder than the TV's volume. "O.M.G!" He rolls his eyes with a smile. "You're the Spider-Man? The same one from the telly?! Oh the act of betrayal the backstabbing hurt"

You put the back of your hand over to your forehead like a silent film actress in distress. "Hobie?! The same Hobie that I've loved since childhood is a vigilante?! Oh my word! How could I not foresee this?!" Cupping his face for emphasis,"oh! My heart!" You act better than the actors on the screen, earning a deep laugh from Hobie.

"Alright, got it. You figured me out" Hobie stops your oscar worthy performance with his hand covering your mouth.

You lick his hand in retaliation. He snaps his hand back, wiping your drool over the blanket spread over your laps.

"I know you, Hobie. The second they got footage of you I knew it was you. I mean, you were wearing the vest I made you!" You chuckle. "I know every stitch and indents on that bad boy" poking his chest, you sigh, catching your breath.

Hobie smiles, "still, should've told you sooner. Didn't want you to worry"

"It comes with the territory of loving you, can't avoid worrying about you all the time." Your heart clenches at the thought of him getting horribly injured. "Back in L.A everytime the mail's late I worry, everytime I see you on the telly swinging, beating the crap out of a would be villain, I worry. That's my job and I've accepted it the moment I fell for you."

Hobie holds you tighter, listening in with bated breath. "Spider-Man's a part of you, and I love every bit of you. I won't stop you from doing it, just come home to me every night. That's all I ask. I'll support you however I can"

"That's all I need," Hobie pressed a heavy kiss on your lips, you barely felt the single tear rolling on your cheek. "Love you"

"Love you too." You sniff, peppering his cheek with numerous kisses. "Thank you for telling me" you snuggle deeper by his side. He replies with a kiss on the crown of your head. "Because I've got some suit ideas that I've been holding on to for so long!"

You stand in awe, eyes still staring at the remote in his hand. "I don't think I'll ever get used to that, but I can try"

"Yeah? You've got sketches of 'em?"

"Yep! I'll just shut the telly off and I'll show it to you properly" you stand up to grab the remote from the coffee table. Hobie beats you to it, aiming his hidden webshooters from under his sleeve, he webs up the device, bringing it towards him.

"You'll love this then" Hobie webs up your waist, you twirl around until you land on his lap. He catches you swiftly as you get acclimated from the dizziness.

You laugh giddily, "Heard you can stick to walls too" holding his hand, intertwining your fingers with his. Hobie squeezes it thrice.

He guffaws, slotting his face right on the crook of your neck. "I'll show you everything"

[bballlvr8]

Geno Media Availability 

What hes looking for in the exhibition game: Basically trying to execute what they’ve been practicing. Try some lineups, and get things accomplished. 

Says early on in November you don’t know what you are really going to get. 

This year they have options, and the lineup may depend on who they are playing.. He says that he wouldn’t read too much about the exhibition starting lineup. 

Kaitlyn: Has chemistry with the other players, said it doesn’t come easy. Kaitlyn is aggressive, tough competitor, shes in fantastic shape. She’s been everything that they had hoped. 

Post Players: They are inexperienced and sometimes he has to sit and think when they are up and down is it because of the inexperience, or is it because they aren’t focused. Said that when the mistakes come from them not being focused those are the type of things he can’t accept. Says that they are getting better at understanding what they have to do, getting better at bringing the same thing everyday. Says that they have 3 completely different post players, they are distinct, completely different from each other and the rest of the team, and said that’s a good thing. They all wanna play and do well. Said he’s excited for them. Key to your team is how well they play. Didn’t replace Aaliyah and said someone has to fill in those gaps. 

Was asked what were those distinct things they brought: Jana is her size, she takes up a lot of space, goes after every offensive rebound. Ice loves to play on the perimeter, she’s a good passer, she’s gotten better defensively. Sarah play’s more like a guard, she’s more like a guard-forward, shes comfortable wherever she is on the floor. 

Sarah has continued to show the role that Geno wants from her, she’s coming out of her shell and feels that she’s too unselfish. Encouraging her to be herself. She has a lot to offer. 

Excited for Jana to finally get her opportunity. Great teammate, exceptionally hard on herself. Not going to look pretty early on. 

Morgan has practiced on and off sometimes. (Hamstring injuries are very easy to aggravate, so I’m happy they arent trying to rush her). She has multiple leg injuries it appears that probably weren’t probably taken care of when she was in highschool. Looked fantastic in practice, she’s a very comfortable player almost like sarah. She and Sarah can be interchangeable on the wing and post. 

Azzi Looks great, she did practice today, just not while the practice was open (I wish the journalist would clarify that after they make those statements lmao). Just a matter of time now, but cannot give an exact date. Will be back sooner than the rest of the injuried players excluding Morgan. 

Yanna still has the sling on, it has come off a little bit, it’s going to be a little while longer, he doesn’t have an exact timetable for any of the injuries really. 

Caroline, Does more every day in practice, but very little to do with contact. She’s limited

Q, is continuing to look good in practice, says she’s active in practice, and has been incredibly aggressive, making it so that she can be in the rotation. 

Allie shoots the ball great, she’s a fantastic scorer. Said that the new things that the freshmen didn’t have to do in high school are what they really struggle with. But the things that they were good at in Highschool are the things they are good at now. When they have her, Paige, and Azzi out on the floor at the same time that’s a lot of shots that go in. 

Said that Ash comes and goes, she’ll have days where she makes everything. 

Ice is in the best shape she’s ever been in, said that she worked really hard during the preseason, Ice is pretty good when she knows you’re counting on her. Said that both Jana and Ice are hard on themselves, he said it's very tricky to keep your confidence when it's not something you naturally have. They take too many things personally and say it'll be some work for the two of them. It is up to the coaching staff to make sure they guide them the right way. 

Jokingly said that Paige is delusional (he was talking about confidence and said that some people have it, then said he doesn’t know if they are at the Paige level of delusion where they think they can do anything). 

For Azzi’s Return Date: Geno said to him he thinks it’s a feel of comfortability and confidence that she’s ready to go. She has a limited practice of how many minutes she’s going to be out there, said there will be a time  (next week, the week after he doesn’t know) when she’s going to come to him and say that she’s ready to go. 

Not looking forward to his 40th Coaching Anniversary lmao.  

[paintingchimera]

Do you think Ariane ever wanted her mom? Like because when we’re in pain, or scared or really anything we tend to want our mothers, so it’d be natural for Ariane to want her mother. GOD I IMAGINED IN ARIANES LAST MOMENTS BEFORE THE BIORESONANCE THING SHE WAS CRYING FOR HER MOM

Now that got me thinking, what about the replikas?? Do they long for the neural pattern’s mothers even though they’re not biologically their child?? When they destabilise I mean, like imagine a dying STAR on the battlefield calling out for her neural patterns mom oh my days

You guys cannot convince me ariane did not want her mom, especially with how she was raised I would reckon they had a very close bond. I wish there was more stuff surrounding ariane’s mom and even the itou twins mom like who is she?? Anja Itou or Lilith itou?? I would think Anja, because Lilith never had a male lover (that we know of) but she had Alina. Lilith being a possible older sister to them seems like a much more likely scenario than their mother, and personally on how lilith’s personality is shown (this is with the theory that she’s Elsters neural pattern) she probably would not want kids

And if the case was that Lilith was their mom, realistically then, Elster would’ve most likely atleast had some more instinct to protect isa— meanwhile with a sibling you really don’t have that urge (unless their like a baby) and honestly, I think Lilith and the twins wouldn’t of known each other for that long. Lilith would’ve been just a faded memory from childhood [if I’m correct on the timing of when Lilith might’ve been put into whatever they do to the replika neural pattern and that she is Elsters neural pattern] I mean, the faint possibility of her being the twins mother is that if Alina was their second mother, but that doesn’t make sense: Ariane is often portrayed as a ‘clone’ in a way of Alina, looking almost exact same as her. So why would Alina be their second mom? And it wouldn’t be possible because Alina was in the sierpenski as we know it,

So that would leave Anja to be their mother, Lilith? Maybe a cousin or older sister. Looking at Isa (assuming that Erika looks basically the same) she looks like she would relate to Lilith but not in a mother and daughter way; more like a cousins or sisters way. And What is the deal with Alina?? Is she just meant to be Lilith’s lover, or does Ariane end up being like some reincarnation of her? Or is Alina in retrospect just made to be that person Ariane triggers Elsters neural pattern memories with? But that would make her character practically basic if she only had one purpose. But I can’t figure out what she’s even here for, maybe she doesn’t really have a purpose? Some characters in fiction might not have proper purpose but they’re very important to plot I think,

Oh the ariane having acute radiation syndrome, she would be in SO much worse of state in reality, burns everywhere only getting worse, skin cells dying, even her bone marrow [i forgot if this parts correct shh] possibly started to degrade [I think I’m thinking of chromosomes], her teeth falling out, her organs dying from the inside out, losing absolute control over her own bodily fluids, I understand that it’s probably for creepy affect with her very basic black arms and legs to show nercotic skin but realistically ariane would’ve been dead much sooner when the radiation kicked in, even with the cryo medical pod. We all know of the person who had severe radiation poisoning, he died after a long battle. Considering Ariane would’ve practically be begging Elster— if Elster didn’t die first, because to me atleast, Replikas much more fragile when it comes to things like radiation, excluding MNHR units. They would start to degrade faster than a human would,

Ariane would be in so much pain, her skin wouldn’t even turn black it’d fall off exposing muscle and nerves. And her hair doesnt make sense, when someone has that much radiation and Ariane probably got out through so much more radiation, her hair would’ve fallen OUT, not grown. She would’ve looked like a burned mummy, and most likely. Elster wasn’t Alive to see any of Ariane’s true pain, yet Ariane probably would’ve still chosen the Penrose program. Why? Because hearing how sierpenski is that shit is SCARY. But also, we all know of Ariane’s bullying on rotfront. With how much she was getting bullied [I heard she even got put in hospital temporarily?? Idk if that’s right] she would of course pick that option. It’s like giving someone the option to choose: Go to school for years, Go for a year and get all of your diplomas immediately [of course it’s not a accurate comparison but shut up]

Bullying fucking ruins people, from experience I wanted to leave my entire country because I got bullied so badly. I wanted to leave the planet [as in going to space], when your given a choice between going to a facility or seeing the stars? You’d the stars especially in ariane’s place. The eusan nation is strict, and rotfront was terrible to ariane. Why would she want to put herself through more??

Anyways I’m literally ariane yeong (I bleached my hair to look like her, my roots are over grown tho 🫡) also sorry for so much writing, I have no one to really yap my ideas to 😔🙏

[vaguely-concerned]

A Stitch In Time First Read Reactions & Thoughts Monster Post Part 3

Stumbling over the finish line if not in style then with enthusiasm!

Part 1, Part 2

- Odo looked as if he could use a spell in his bucket; I had rarely seen him looking so run-down.

<3 I love one goo man 

“I’d better get this information to Captain Sisko,” Odo decided.

“Would you rather I tell him?” I offered. Odo looked positively drained; he needed to return to his liquid state.

Every time Odo is changeling-sleep deprived Garak starts to hear kill bill sirens and flash back to ‘the die is cast’. It is kind of sweet that he seems to be worried for his friend and not trying to gain an advantage or sneak around here tho. 

The ironies of the situation both amused and irritated me. Here I was, the invaluable decoder of Cardassian encryptions containing life-and-death information for the Federation—and they won’t trust me with the code to wake up Captain Sisko. Ah well, it was never easy being a Cardassian on this suspended chunk of desolation. And then I laughed out loud. But what about Odo? The last time I looked he was a changeling, a member of the race of Founders that was determined to destroy the Alpha Quadrant. Not only did he have the captain’s wake-up code, he also slept with the station’s second-in-command.

LMAO you know what fair fucking point garak. Tbf I’m sure there are some people who’ve been assuming you’ve been fucking the chief medical officer too 

But if Damar had thrown his support to the rebels … if it wasn’t a ploy… I wanted my revenge on him, yes, but not at the expense of liberating Cardassia. And it wasn’t just liberating the planet from the control of a foreign power. It was closer… more personal. I wanted something that was even more difficult to attain—redemption.

The doors opened, and once again I was alert as I stepped into the deserted corridor and moved past the sleeping quarters to my own. It was time, I kept repeating in my head. It was time to take our place among the planets and peoples of the Alpha Quadrant as a civilized and open society. It was time to repair the damage. “A stitch in time saves….” What? What was that expression?

*pats him very gently and lovingly on the head* This man can unironically fit so much character development in him

“You’re Khon-Ma, aren’t you?” She didn’t respond. “Being the only Cardassian on this station, I expected you a long time ago. What kept you?”

She should shoot you actually just for this

I stopped. What’s the point, I thought. All the stories were beginning to run together and they all had the same ending.

Smoking gun of ‘hm I think there might be some unreliable narration still lingering here’ lol. In a way all but openly admitting that like this is probably more like telling the truth for garak than telling the actual truth would be. From how we see him interact with Toran in the show I buy that the emotional truth about this is basically as he tells it tho — I think he’s angry and disgusted with himself more for having been unable to stop something from happening and taking that as being as responsible for it as the asshole who caused it, rather than actively making it happen himself. That’s the kind of pattern he has in so many other places in his life too, trying to navigate in the very limited space and with the very limited agency being submissive to personalities like Tain and Toran leaves you. 

“And they were all killed,” she said even more softly.

“End of story, Remara.” I considered telling her how I had exacted my own revenge upon Toran, and that my only regret was that his death hadn’t come sooner… but what was the point? Another treacherous opportunist dies after tearing another hole in the fabric. What’s gained except the potential for more damage? I rose. The station’s gravity felt like it had increased threefold.

“If you’re going to kill me, get it over with. One way or the other I’d like to go to sleep.”

“Who gave the order?” she asked.

“What difference does it make? I did, if you like.”

Remara just looked at me. She lowered the phaser. Part of me was deeply disappointed. 

The ‘has he been thinking with his horny brain this whole time or is he passive-actively suicidal’ conundrum. I suppose there’s nothing saying it can’t be both but I also think it’s more on the second side than he’d like anyone to know. I guess there’s no easy way to tell the guy who saved your life that you don’t really care that much for said life most days, and if you were offered some plausible deniability…

“You’re going to have to leave this station. They’ll keep coming after you until someone succeeds. Goodbye, Elim.” She put her hand against the side of my face, and I felt the heat coming through. Perhaps her passion was a curse as a terrorist, but she was a whole person … and she had found redemption.

Chewing on the idea of being a whole person vs. ‘unfinished man’ and ‘mosaic person’ 

- Gul Toran is someone Tain has warned me to monitor periodically.

Ah so Four Lubak is the future Gul Toran (the asshole in the Natima Lang ep if I remember correctly)! I see. That also means his snarking about Toran being made Gul is entirely performative he’s known about it for years lmao that was literally just to be a bitch  yes wonderful

- The fact that Tain has an evil Romulan twin/soulmate and they hate each other fdskjfhdsa

- So interesting that it does take until middle-age and Palandine’s extended presence in his life before Garak’s sense of humor really emerges fully. It seems such an integral part of him in the show, it sure is Something that it basically had to be carefully tended to and supported like a lil flower by careful gardener’s hands (thank you Palandine I’m sorry your life is a nightmare) 

- But I must confess that the toast proposed by proconsul Merrok left me feeling much better about the whole affair.

. . . 

“At first I couldn’t think why you hated him,” I confessed.

“I don’t hate anyone, Elim,” he carefully explained. “I have a job to do—and sometimes it’s necessary to eliminate those enemies who can’t otherwise be dissuaded. And he was determined to block our interests at every juncture.”

“I don’t hate anyone” says man composed of about 98% hate per volume

“Oh yes, my boy—yes, you did excellent work. A job well done.” He had never complimented me with such unconditional enthusiasm. It was almost a demonstration of paternal pride.

“You see, I had this planned for a long time, Elim. But Tolan wouldn’t agree. He wouldn’t take on the assignment, and he wouldn’t pass on the information. But thankfully he trusted you, Elim.” Tain patted me on the shoulder, which meant I was dismissed.

Weaponizing Tolan’s memory against him. Fucked Up. 

- Fear and isolation, Doctor. You can’t have one without the other. Fear isolates and isolation is fear’s natural home. Just as my orchids need carefully prepared soil to protect them against disease and pests, fear needs the isolated circumstances to deepen and grow without connective or relational interference. When fear is allowed to flourish in its dark and lonely medium, then any evil that can be conceived by the fearful imagination will emerge.<

This whole chapter is so fucking good, and it starts slapping right from the beginning. The way this works not only as a description of the larger crimes of Cardassia, but also the shape of his own life. 

‘My orchids’ is very sweet, and a phrasing that occurs several times. 

My feelings are spent, my moral rationalizations are empty, and I can’t say it’s not my problem when I’m pulling and lifting and throwing bodies of people who once only wanted to go about the business of their lives.

His life has been a series of violent deconstruction followed by reassembly of the broken pieces, and this should have been the most shattering of all but it comes across as almost peaceful. He finally gets to have his soul to himself enough to make something meaningful with it and put it together in his own time and in the shape of his own truth, even in the middle of such a painful realization.  

Colonel Kira once told me how many Bajorans died during the Cardassian Occupation, and my mind rejected the figure like a piece of garbage. We’d been in the service of the state, I had told myself, and the state had determined what was necessary. But now I understand why she hated me. More important, I now understand that constant burning, almost insane look in her eyes.

. . . 

Most of us who are left, Doctor, are insane. We have to be in order to survive and emerge from our isolation. It’s the only way we can live with the pain of what we did. Or didn’t. Each of us accepts the amount of responsibility we are capable of bearing. Some accept nothing, and these people are quickly swallowed by their isolation, their insanity transformed into a rationalized evil. A smaller group accepts total responsibility, and their insanity is an unbearable burden that cripples and eventually grinds them down. The rest of us carry what we can and leave the rest. For myself, Doctor, when a corpse is too heavy to bury I try to remember to ask someone to help me.

This man can hold so much fucking character development 2 electric boogaloo and HOW!! Imagine early seasons Garak saying anything like this! Even while I’ll also buy that early seasons Garak does have the capacity to get to this point in the end after enough work. AND the way it goes with his dream of Cardassia as a mass grave earlier/later on in the book — which also sort of indicates that the person he’s asked to ‘bury these bodies with’, as it were, before, was specifically Bashir. ‘You taught me to ask for help’. I’m so fucking soft for all the ways Garak is showing him that he touched his life in the very best and most beautiful way anyone could, no matter where they go from here.  

- “I don’t know. I suppose I’m just trying to reconcile statistical analysis with Romulan gardens.” We lapsed into a long, stony silence. Usually she knew better than to expect a real answer when she did ask about my working life. We both tried not to venture into certain personal spaces; often the attempt functioned as a barrier. I’m sure she knew that I was more than a data analyst at the Hall of Records. She also understood that the less she knew about what I did the more chance our relationship had to survive. For the same reason I never asked about Lokar. The less information, the less damage if either one of us was betrayed.

Garak that’s kind of sloppy, of course she knows something’s up if you’re making it that easy to figure out lol

Another interesting detail: Palandine seemingly never learns that Tain is Garak’s biological father, then. Very emblematic of the way all those secrets were still getting between them despite their best efforts. And lending even more meaning to the fact that many years later he lets Julian find out in uh perhaps the most direct way possible haha. 

“I’m of two minds. I know, that’s just another way of saying that I’m confused.”

Huh. I wonder if the way this is phrased suggests that that’s not a common expression in Cardassian and he’s translating it directly from Standard or something, or that his uh. Mental confusion/dissociation/fragmentation pops up enough that she’s familiar with it already here? 

“Yes. What if they’re right? What if they could help us reclaim something noble in ourselves? Where does that leave us?” We stood looking at each other. The night wind gusted through the foliage and I wondered where I’d be if I didn’t have this woman’s friendship.

What a soft way to describe it. Really drives home the like. Wholeness of what she meant to him. 

“It was a while ago, Palandine. I don’t know if they’re in the same place … or if they even meet tonight.” Her enthusiasm rendered me as helpless as it did when I first met her.

Julian/Palandine parallels time yet again 

I looked at Palandine, and she now radiated with such light that I turned away, inexplicably embarrassed as if I had seen something I shouldn’t.

So sad somehow that they kind of drift apart in this scene, where Palandine finds something that helps her and he mostly seems to come away lost and confused, if cleansed. (and he still can’t cry with someone else in the room) 

After Palandine had left, I had spent the rest of the night sitting in the Grounds near the children’s area.

How is this so goddamn sad fhkjshfa. They’re still just children, and no one is going to come pick them up from the playground, no one is going to protect them

- “Yes, of course,” I replied. I took a deep breath, and my disparate parts began to snap back. 

Adrift from himseeelf. This is kind of what I meant about Palandine maybe picking up on some of his — this stuff. Which structurally pops back up in The Wire too, with how he tells the stories. 

“You look like you’re not eating anything,” Prang observed. If Tain was the father of the Obsidian Order, Prang was its mother.

LMAO. And he’s constantly worried about his saddest son I guess. Tain/Prang most cursed DS9 rarepair idea???

- His other hand was now probing my skull behind the right ear. The man’s ambidexterity was impressive.

Lol diversity win: the mad doctor about to implant you with experimental tech is ambidextrous!

Oh. Oh no it’s the wire time. The fact that he’s one of the first agents fitted with it b/c his hindbrain distress tolerance is too worryingly low  for their comfort…

When I tell you that this wire will give you no trouble, as long as you don’t meddle with it, you can believe me. You know that, don’t you, Elim?”

“Yes, I do, Mindur.” The man had never given me anything but superb technology and sound advice. “Please continue,” I submitted.

“Good boy.” Timor thumped my shoulder again.

HORROR SHOW CULTURE ONCE MORE and also. Praise kink revisited and made more interestingly fucked up. Also submission theme thread. 

Do you think he’d meddle with the wire eventually even if he hadn’t been exiled. I feel like there’s a non-zero chance of that.  

- I remembered the Hebitian frieze and its lush background. Of course we were different people: it was a different world. The more the forests receded, it seems, the more we covered ourselves. Their world didn’t need an agent of the Obsidian Order to investigate a group of prominent Cardassians who “happened” to be spending their vacation together. It didn’t have Enabran Tain targeting one of his bitterest enemies, Procal Dukat, a powerful member of the Central Command. And I’m certain it didn’t have fathers who refused to acknowledge their sons. If we lived on the next spiral of the cycle of life, how did we know it wasn’t going downward?

a) ‘what if the glass is not only half-empty but also leaking’ yes very cheery Garak and b) one of the rare times he lets not just his bitterness with Tain but also his longing to be acknowledged by him fully shine through. To me it seems like that’s the one thing that’s still too raw for him to dwell on in this narrative. He mostly doesn’t get into or sit with the pretty obvious fact that he loved Tain, and desperately wanted Tain to love him too. You can see the traces through the whole thing of just how angry he is with him now that he’s dead (GOOD! HE SHOULD BE! HE SHOULD BE ANGRIER; IF ANYTHING!), but that particular element of it seems too vulnerable to keep in sight most times

- PYTHAS IS BACK BA-BEY! 

His grace was even more refined as he moved to the small house that was our assigned base of operations. If anything could have taken my mind off downward spirals it was the appearance of Pythas. 

And the mutual crush endures (also with me I love a sneaky little twink)

“What was good for you, Elim, was usually agreeable to me as well,” he wryly observed.

The way Pythas is like Garak’s shadow — except in Garak’s eyes he does everything ‘right’, he doesn’t seem to have that same aching need for connection, he follows his orders easily, he’s perfect and he reaps the rewards Garak never gets. Garak never even resents or begrudges him any of it. And yet they end up in basically the same place when all’s said and done, in the ruins of Cardassia, and Garak might even win out b/c his trials with the mortifying ordeal of being known mean he has some people in his life he’s starting to truly trust, the way Pythas seems to with Nal as well. Thinking. A lot of things. 

Over the years, his modest demeanor and quiet ways had turned him into more of a solitary person than I ever was. I had learned to withdraw my presence as a tool, but I was always aware of my need for contact, and that my value as an operative lay in my ability to engage others in a nonthreatening manner that drew them out. Pythas had learned to withdraw his presence as a way of life—and he moved through the world like a shadow. I was not surprised that Tain had recruited him for the “invisibles.” It took a special person to be able to operate in such unrelentingly anonymous circumstances—no family, no fixed base or identity—and there was no doubt in my mind that he was one of the most brilliant agents in the Order. Our relationship picked right up where it had left off at Bamarren. Other than Prang, I have never met anyone where so much was communicated with so few words. His eyes had a depth and eloquence that told me everything I wanted to know. How ironic that my lust for conversation was satisfied by someone who rarely spoke.

Ah, so if Palandine is the proto-Julian, as it were (and Parmak is the silver fox Ersatz Julian), Pythas is definitely the anti-Julian as well as Garak’s shadow hahaha. 

- Garak is undeniably a city boy at the end of the day haha. Pythas help him out there in the jungle he doesn’t belong here I understand why you’re so worried

- In a way it was touching: the old man reverting to the mind control exercises he had learned as a child.

Garak. The warning bells. Should they perhaps be ringing merrily in your mind at this combination of words and letters. Oh well. 

- “Yes, it’s me.” I squatted so that I was at eye level. I tried to soften myself, round off all the sharp edges.

Yes yes yes this is such a good description of that Thing he does. His ‘just a lil guy/tailor/gardener/funny spy man’ move

‘Carriers of disease’ and spreading poison motifs are back. Dukat Sr. uses it here to describe cowardice/Federation ideals/hashtag the SJWs/the forces that threaten to disrupt the status quo of the fascist state. 

- I left the containment field in place and stepped outside to clear my head. No matter how objective I tried to remain, I could never remain totally unaffected by another man’s horror. Fear was a contagious disease.

This seems right to me — I don’t think anyone who could truly shrug off other people’s suffering would have to make up such webs of justification and alienation as Garak does to do what he does. Maybe that empathy is why he’s so good at it and also why it messes him up so bad over time 

His *Working 9-5 slowed down & with reverb plays softly in the background* vibe about it is undeniably kind of funny tho

Contagious disease thread cont too, and not the first time fear is spoken of that way

“Who are you?” he asked for the second time, fighting against the toxin’s effect. This was one tough old warrior.

“Your worst nightmare,” I replied.

“Ah,” he croaked. “Then Tain sent you.”

- YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE fhdkjshasjh good for you Pythas isn’t there to hear it that is so embarrassing Garak (affectionate)

- Garak dreaming of being buried with the still-whispering mass grave of Old Cardassia… what the fuck I don’t think I’d sleep ever again after that haha

Of all of the people he dreams of, most of them are dead (or potentially soon about to be dead? Not entirely sure how that works out for Mila in particular. And I guess we technically don’t know if Calyx is dead, but after so long it seems very likely), except as we find out later Pythas. And Palandine isn’t there. 

NO. NO YOU CANNOT TELL ME THE FIRST THING HE DOES IS CALL JULIAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT  W H A  T 

“It’s not a medical emergency. Please, I realize this is an imposition.” There was a silence and I heard another voice in the background. Ezri Dax. A muffled conversation. The Doctor cleared his throat again.

“I’ll be right over,” he said.

This is so melancholy I want to disappear into a puddle of quiet yearning and never come back to solid form just put me in a bucket like the Odo. 

This is also the first time in this book Garak has asked Julian for help rather than Julian trying to approach him to give him help (and being rebuffed). He’s called for and he comes :’)

He gave me his puzzled look, which wrinkled his brow. I was always amazed at how deep the furrows were for one so young.

Soft little detail time yet again. Garak has been sitting across Julian for years just looking at this face and picking out new details. 

“ ‘There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.’” he quoted.

“Who’s that?” I asked.

“Shakespeare,” the Doctor replied.

“Hmmh.” I nodded in agreement, surprised that for once the author of the politically misguided Julius Caesar made sense.

Fhdskhfskjdfhsdjak you say that as if you didn’t quote the politically misguided Julius Caesar to your father’s face on a burning spaceship as you for the first time truly saw that he was as fallible as anyone else and invoking Bashir’s name in the process Garak

“Of who we are, Doctor. Our being. Human being. Cardassian being. But we have become these beings—are becoming, always in the process of becoming—on these other dimensional levels that are not limited by the measures of time and space. And the great determining factor of our becoming is relationship. Unrelated, I become unrelated. Alienated. Opposed, I become an antagonist. Unified, I become integrated. A functioning member of the whole.” The Doctor was thoughtful; his previous agitation had dissolved.

“You’re a scientist, Doctor. You have a deep understanding of this level. I don’t mean just the mechanics. You understand about relationship, the laws that attract and repel, the combinations that nurture and poison. Health and disease. Integrity and breakdown.”

“In your dream,” he said, “I presided over the burial of yourself and the people you were most intimately related to. Why?”

“You said, ‘for the good of the quadrant…. they must never be allowed to return.’ Why would you say that?” I asked.

“I can only think that….” He stopped and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Garak. This is not easy for me. I still can’t help thinking this was your dream. Even if I was invited … you were the playwright.”

“Yes, but put yourself in that part. Why would you bury these people and cover up the pit?” The Doctor looked at me in frustration. “Please. Indulge me. It’s vital that I have your answer.”

“If you and the others were carriers of some disease,” he shrugged. “In our fourteenth century on Earth there was a terrible plague, the Black Plague, which wiped out half of Europe’s population. People believed that the dead bodies had to be destroyed, burned … buried … because it was the only way to prevent the spread of the disease….”

. . . 

The Doctor was studying me with an interest in his face I hadn’t seen in years.

“Well? Is it the Black Plague, Doctor? Or just the ramblings of an old spy on the eve of battle?”

“You’re an amazing man, Garak.”

“And my gratitude to you can never be adequately expressed. But I shall try,” I promised.

“Please. What have I done?” he asked genuinely.

“That time you extended yourself so generously and found a way to remove the wire from my brain without killing me …”

“I would have done that for anyone,” the Doctor interrupted.

“I’m sure that’s true, but that’s not what I mean. All during the time the device was deteriorating, I was convinced I was going to die.”

“You were even resigned to it,” he reminded me.

“I was also convinced that it was all a dream, and I kept asking myself what you were doing there.”

The Doctor was puzzled. “But what you just told me, that our dreams are just another way we relate … ?”

“I had forgotten. That point of my life was perhaps the lowest. I had forgotten many things. When I ‘woke up’ and realized that because of you I was going to live—at that moment, I began to recollect some valuable information.”

“About dreams?” he asked.

“Yes. But specifically about relationships, and how they set the course of our lives. You not only ’saved’ my life, you also made it possible for me to live it.” The Doctor’s face darkened.

“What is it, Doctor?”

“The time I wounded you in that holosuite program ….”

“Yes,” I prompted expectantly.

“I never apologized for my action.”

“And you must never apologize!” I urged.

“Please, Garak. This is not the time to give me a lesson on how to behave like a hardened spy….”

“No, no, no. On the contrary, when you shot me, my dear friend, that was the next step in my process of remembering. I was going to sacrifice the others, the people you considered your friends, because that was the only way I could be sure to save myself. You opposed me. Indeed, you would have killed me if necessary.”

“I’m sure it would never have gotten to that point,” the Doctor muttered.

“You would have killed me,” I repeated. “For the greater good.” The cliche suddenly had another meaning for both of us. “This is my last trip to Cardassia. I’m not returning. You were in the dream for a very specific reason. Once again, you helped me remember. Thank you, Julian.” I put my hand on his shoulder.

“You’re welcome,” he smiled warmly. “And by the way. It wasn’t the dead bodies that carried the disease. It was later determined that it was the rats feeding on the bodies who were the transmitters.”

“Then I guess we’ll go to Cardassia and look for the rats,” I said.

“Be careful, Garak. And look after my hot-headed friend, will you?”

“Don’t worry. We’ll look after each other,” I answered him. He moved to the door. “Did you really have a dream about Hippocrates?” I asked.

“Yes. Actually I did.”

“Why am I not surprised?” I replied.

First name use…

Disease contagion imagery, and this time it’s very clearly symbolizing y’know the fascism of it all. Weirdly moving that Julian takes a moment to gently imply that the disease isn’t inherent in the people Garak loves and has loved (or in him, for that matter), but in the conditions that created them. 

There’s so much going on here idk if I could start to pick it apart yet, I may need to let this percolate in my skull for a while before I know what to say haha. I think part of it is Garak telling Julian to never apologize for showing him the full truth of himself (not least because that also lets Garak see the full truth of himself in turn), and Julian finally relaxing about. Something. He’s been ashamed about something he can finally let go of. 

‘I thought it was a dream, and kept asking myself what you were doing there’.......I will never emotionally recover from this I want to write fic specifically about this lord have mercy on me

- *Tain Voice* with your hippie bullshit and your women! 

*tiny garak voice* woman…

Over the years we rarely met outside his office; only an emergency or drastic change of plan would alter the routine. Now as we walked through the late morning sun and pedestrians at a leisurely pace I experienced a connection to the surrounding bustle and energy in a way that felt almost normal. A father and his son taking a stroll. Tain was heavier, and I could hear his breathing labor with the effort. He’s an old man, I thought. He’s mortal. I’d never thought about Tain in this way, and I became protective as we approached an aggressive knot of pedestrians at the edge of the Coranum Sector. One man was about to run Tain down when I intercepted his path and bumped him to the side. I ignored his challenge as we continued. “Yes, Elim. I’m getting old.” It wasn’t the first time he picked up my thoughts; this was how our conversations usually went.

HE BECAME PROTECTIVE 

You know the way he keeps touching Tain’s arm and shoulder in The Die is Cast, like he’s steadying him or about to step in front of him to protect him or something? Yeah… he burns his hands on this stove over and over and over but he can’t stop trying to touch it :(

This was so typical of his manipulation. Just moments ago I was feeling protective of this benign old man, my father. And now… the irony filled my mouth with a bitter taste.

This is always & forever first and foremost an Enabran Tain hate zone

He moved to the covered seating area, where the sun filtered through the old vegetation. I had never been here with anyone but Palandine. With a long sigh he settled into a patch of sunlight on the low bench.

He’s like a fucking strangle vine he just winds himself into every single part of garak’s existence and chokes the life out of it 

“Yes,” I answered. The benign mask was slipping, and I began to see the depth of his anger.

. . . 

“You don’t know!” he repeated with a disgust I hadn’t heard since I was a boy and failed to record all the details of one of our walks.

Oof. Ow. Ack. 

“And all this while, instead of giving up your life to the work, hardening yourself into a leader who could inspire others and expand the vision, you’re playing out Hebitian fantasies with another man’s wife!”

“Yes. Just like Tolan!” I exploded. “Perhaps he was my real father after all.”

Tain rose like a man many years younger and grabbed my shoulder in a powerful grip. His anger was now a murderous fury and it was all I could do to hold my stance against the pain of his grip. His cold eyes told me I had betrayed him. Worse, I had failed him. He let go of my shoulder and turned away from me. My entire body trembled. When he turned back he had regained his composure.

The biggest sin Garak could commit in Tain’s eyes is to dare to separate himself from him in any way; to be anything but his mirror, to act as if he has any claim to his own soul. I feel like more than what happens with Barkan right after this, this is what Tain considers the real betrayal. 

Tain has never needed to hit him or become physically violent with him to keep him under control ever since he was a very small child, he’s relied on the terrorizing force of emotional violence. And as is so often the case with emotional violence, it’s been insidious and hidden enough, kept to private spaces and in the shadows, that Tain can pretend at plausible deniability b/c like. Who’s Garak even going to tell about it, for the longest time, if a miracle happened and he even found he could? Mila, who has joined the war on emotional violence on the side of emotional violence since probably before Garak was even born? (For understandable psychological reasons, but in unforgivable ways in the role of a parent.) I wonder if ‘making him’ lose control and expose himself and his violence for what it is like this (in public, even!) is also part of what he can’t forgive Garak for. This ah ‘slip-up’ is the first big crack we see in Tain’s image of perfect implacable control (which is very much still the impression you’re left with in Garak’s stories in The Wire too), in the same way that Improbable Cause/The Die Is Cast completely breaks that image down. He is getting old. He stayed in the game too long in the end and his iron grip is starting to slip and everything he’s forced to stay in place starts to slip out of that order with it.

Characterizing what Tolan was doing as ‘living with another man’s wife’ is SUCH a subtle burn tho lol like yeah maybe after the strictures of our society you SHOULD have married the mother of your child instead of outsourcing all your decency to the said mother’s BROTHER, Tain 

Aside from anything else going on here (and there is a lot going on)... does Tain even know who Garak is at all, just on a personal level? Why, after knowing him for like 40+ years at this point, presumably, would you expect him to have aspirations or the natural inclination towards leadership, have you ever met him??? He’s one of nature’s perfect right hand men (well. Maybe not entirely nature’s, Tain did this to him very deliberately on top of some basic natural tendencies lol), he’ll get you whatever you ask of him and I think organizing a team under him for you could be part of that when need be, but never has he shown the least inclination towards leadership. (In fact, despite longing for the recognition coming out on top would get him from daddy I mean his peers, he seems vaguely relieved each time Pythas gets to sit in the big important chair instead of him.) He isn’t Tain’s mirror, for all he dutifully tries to move in the ways that make it seem like he is. And Tain should be smart enough to know that, if the narcissism didn’t completely blot out his sight in this situation, and/or it’s just the ‘setting him up to fail and then acting outraged when he does’ pure maliciousness reaching its apex.

(In a kinder time and a kinder world I think Garak could have a real nice time being one of nature’s extremely devoted Partners rather than simply right hand man. And I would like to see it please)  

“From now on you will report to Corbin Entek.”

Oh, that’s the Entek of Second Skin, probably. Wish you a very ‘get vaporized for not knowing when to quit’ in the future entek 

As I watched him leave, I felt completely empty and wondered how I could feel such emptiness. This sudden, wrenching reversal of fortune … everything changed beyond recognition…. And yet … there was no anger, no self-pity … no fear. Only release. Release from the secrets. Release from the limbo where, ever since I was a boy, I had been trapped between imposed obligations and feelings of mysterious longing mixed with shame. I felt empty … and free.

Listen to that voice maybe garak (not that I think there IS any way out at this point or that there ever has been in truth, that’s kind of the tragedy of the whole thing, tain would never ever have let go of him)

- Mila goodbye time: 

“I’m afraid we’re not leaving you much,” she said. “The furnishings have already been taken away.”

“I wasn’t expecting anything.” I tried to keep all irony out of my tone.

“It’s your choice, Elim.” Her voice was just as neutral. “The house is yours to live in.”

Mother and son having a Carefully Extremely Civil conversation lol

“Do you know the circumstances … Mila?”

She looked at me. It was the first real contact we’d had in many years. She nodded slowly.

“Before I make my ‘choice,’ I need your help,” I said, surprised that the request emerged so simply. I wasn’t as angry with her as I wanted to be. Mila saw this and softened perceptibly.

This running thread that almost despite himself he understands and empathizes with her and her situation too much to be as angry with her as he probably should be. He understands her better than she understands him (than she could allow herself to understand him, even if she had the ability to). 

I think that these apparently contradictory elements of his personality are part of what makes him feel so real in some ways, too — interpersonally he can be incredibly petty and jealous and judgemental AND almost absurdly forgiving and generous, sometimes seemingly simultaneously, somehow. The classic containing multitudes meme but like forreals tho haha. That is what real people are like too. 

“I love her, Mila.”

“You’re a grown man, Elim.” I couldn’t decide whether she thought I didn’t know this or was seeing it for the first time herself.

“And Palandine’s a grown woman,” I replied.

“I don’t care about her. It’s you! You have to learn…” She broke off and passed me a cup which exuded the herbal aroma I’ve always associated with her and Tolan. Bitterbark and sweet groundroot. Moist rich soil.

“To control myself?” Mila blew on her tea. I shrugged at the obvious irony; I didn’t want to get into a fight.

. . . 

Mila sat on a bin and sipped her tea. She avoided my look. As I positioned another bin across from her, I experienced a deep pain in my shoulder. It was still throbbing.

“Tain’s angry … with me. He wants me never to see her again and … to kill Barkan.” Still she avoided looking at me. “But you know this, don’t you? And you know what’s possible. Because you have your own … thoughts about this. Don’t you Mila?” I persisted.

Again she jerked away from me. Tea from her cup slopped onto the floor. “There’s no time, Elim.” She put the cup down, wiped her hands on the protective smock she wore, and looked for something to clean the floor with. “There’s no time for this.”

The mother/child relationship here is… y’know I talk a lot about Garak’s daddy issues for obvious reasons, but the fact that his mother recoils in fear when he tries to engage some sliver of real emotional intimacy with her prrrrrobably did some similar amounts of shaping him huh haha. (and he does this too in many ways — that’s partially where his trouble with Julian comes from in this book, whenever Julian tries to get too close Garak flinches away or counterattacks, for all that he clearly longs for it as well.)

The  roundabout way you can tell her love for him even so tho. ‘I don’t care about her’. Palandine is not her baby, Elim, you are. Mila hasn’t been left with the luxury of love to spare for someone she doesn’t even know when you’re setting yourself up for destruction right in front of her eyes…. 

“I mean it, Mila. I would. But I think about her, feel her, all the time. Especially when I’m alone.”

Palandine/Bashir parallels once more and I really mean it!! There used to be a little Palandine in his head the way there’s a little Julian in there now. (and sadly she doesn’t seem to be there anymore, or maybe he’s just integrated what he got from her and let the rest go for both of their sakes, the same way he let Mila the regnar go when it was time.) 

“Sacrifices?” In frustration Mila took off her smock to wipe the tea from the floor. “Elim, you amaze me.” Shaking her head, she got down on her knees and began scrubbing vigorously, as if the spilled drops of tea were hostile agents capable of spreading disease and destruction.

“Really? Well, I’m pleased I still have the ability—”

“Sacrifices,” she hissed, her control escaping like steam from a narrow rift. “What was the name of that book you once gave me? When you first came back from Bamarren. The one you proclaimed as the greatest Cardassian novel ever written and insisted that we read it.” Mila was still on her knees, but now I was the offending spot she vigorously rubbed with her words and eyes. “Generations of one family, each faced with the same choice at a crucial moment. Do they serve their personal needs or do they serve future generations? Do they choose the comfort of their own lives over the life of the state and its mission? I read it, Elim. You told me to and I did.”

“The Never-Ending Sacrifice,” I answered.

“Yes. That’s the one.” She made a sighing sound as she stood up. Mila was heavier now, and moved with greater deliberation. She, too, had grown old. “I suggest you reread it.”

“Tain always came first, didn’t he? I suppose that was your never-ending sacrifice.” I no longer reined in the irony.

I’m CRYING this is SUCH a mom thing to do. Her teen son came home with a book he waxed poetic about and she read it to try to understand him and never told him until now. 

Also: disease contagion theme thread! To Mila, it seems to be tied in with the sentiment reading of it — the way her child’s suffering stains all her safe stable justifications and rationalizations that she needs to stay alive in this system. The remaining humanity that can’t be completely stamped out, even by Tain and a lifetime of fuckery. The ‘imperfections’ of life that can’t be subsumed completely into order. 

Garak I think it’s better if you don’t recommend that book to people it clearly leads to disappointing interpersonal outcomes every time haha

“Tolan understood and accepted his obligations,” Mila said coldly. “But he was sentimental. Like you. That was the one thing Enabran worried about.”

I smiled in sad recognition. Sentimental. Yes, Tain and Mila had definitely shared their confidences and judgments with each other.

“But I don’t blame Tolan. He was a good man.” Mila watched me as I rose.

“Yes. So you keep saying.” I wanted to leave.

“She’s nothing but trouble for you, Elim. End it now. Do what Enabran says and reclaim your rightful place.”

“My place,” I repeated.

“Now, Elim. Otherwise you’re in real danger,” she warned with a certainty that reminded me of the time she’d brought me to Tain after I’d left Bamarren. Mila always knew what was at the heart of the never-ending sacrifice.

“Thank you for your help,” I said, too weary for irony.

“What did you expect from me?”

“To be honest, I can’t remember,” I answered. “Have a pleasant trip.” I smiled and bowed.

“What did you expect from me?”/“To be honest, I can’t remember,” is THE realest description I’ve seen of a mother/child relationship. This might say more about me than I should be comfortable with probably but still. 

“Let Limor know if you’ll be living here.” I nodded. Yes, I thought, that would be my answer. My choice. She shook out her smock to determine whether or not to put it back on.

“Mila.” She looked at me and took a deep breath, as if preparing herself for my question.

“Who was Tolan?”

“My brother.” She decided to wear the smock, and I left.

I am SO FUCKING SAD. She puts the smock back on. That’s the closest thing to keeping either of them she gets to have, just the second hand reminder that they were there, small and innocuous enough that no one will know and no one can blame her. In the end Tain takes everything else, and she lets him because it’s the only way to survive him. GET OUT OF THERE ELIM PLEASE 

- On an impulse, instead of leaving immediately, I went down the corridor to Tain’s old office. The door was open, and I stopped at the threshold just as Pythas looked up from a now much cleaner desk. He smiled shyly and stood up.

“Please come in, Elim,” he offered. What surprised me was how pleased I was to see him. Just as I had felt he was the only other person who deserved to be One Lubak, I now believed he was the only other person who deserved to occupy this office.

He smiled shyly did he fhskja. Also Garak’s enduring lack of bitterness towards Pythas is amazing. ‘Yeah I would be mad but he really is that good if it had to be anyone it should be him’

- She stopped just short of my covering shrub, and the sight of her face shocked me. It was swollen and bruised. One eye was completely closed, and the other contained enough pain for ten. It took every bit of my willpower not to reach out and hold her. Her one eye held mine, I knew she wanted to tell me something so important that she was willing to wait all night if necessary. 

I’m so fucking glad Barkan is about to eat it for good. I only wish it could have gone slower and more painfully for him. 

I wanted to laugh, and it took a concerted effort to gather my disparate parts in order to integrate my will.

‘Disparate parts’ motif (dare we say mosaic motif?) detected

“At least the smile’s gone,” the first voice said. I was fully awake now. 

Barkan’s life is just being haunted by fifty shades of Garak’s shit eating grin apparently 

“Flaunting your ‘relationship’ in public like infatuated schoolchildren.”

“Yes, I suppose it would have been wiser to behave like experienced adulterers,” I replied with a sigh.

“You’re the lowest form of scavenger, Elim. You have no attachments of your own, and so you feed on the emotional vulnerabilities of others.

. . .

“But you’re a failure, Elim. You even failed in your attempt to assassinate me.”

“I didn’t fail with Palandine,” I said quietly.

LMAO gottem 

The chemical makeup of Garak’s brain during Barkan’s beating should probably have been studied by science it must be the strangest rave in there

The others were there—my fellow travelers, their voices murmuring tonelessly, producing a steady sound that permeated the medium and intensified our connection. Their voices speaking to me. Their faces, serene and loving, illuminating the darkness as they floated by. Everyone I have ever known. Family. Faces from childhood. Bamarren. People I had known briefly. People I have known forever. Loved. Hated. We were all just together now, sharing the same nurturing medium as we traveled along our currents until we gradually separated.

This… near-death hallucination or spiritual experience or whatever it is vs. his mass grave dream later… very birth vs. death themed

Faces formed and reformed. Each one superimposed on the next in a long line emerging from blackness. Maladek. Merrok…. The molecular structure of one giving way to the next…. Procal Dukat. Tolan. Floating into focus, receding back into the darkness. I shook my head, trying to stop the flow. The Hebitian mask. My face. I grabbed my “face” and screamed into it. The flow stopped. The molecules rushed together and instantly formed Barkan Lokar’s death mask.

I think maybe something came a tiny little bit completely untethered in his head in a way it’s been threatening to for a long time in this moment. It may just be my imagination tho who’s to say

- “Elim Garak. How the mighty have fallen. Welcome to Terok Nor.”

“Oh, I try to visit even our humblest outposts, Dukat.”

“This is going to be more than a visit, trust me. You’ll soon wish that the execution had not been commuted.”

a) ah garak/dukat sniping my old friend b) It seems Tain never spoke to him in that whole process, so that time in the park was probably the last time before ‘Improbable Cause’?. I’m only surprised he didn’t give Dukat the neutral face of displeasure to convey to Garak second hand honestly 

- “I’m sure you gave him a more ennobling position,” I said.

“He was executed,” the toady replied.

“A promotion of sorts,” I muttered. “Certainly in this place.”

The passionate enduring Garak/Terok Nor hateship off to an immediate and roaring start

- Real ‘he gave them the heebie jeebies. He had nothing else left to give’ vibes on garak in this part of his life 

- He arched his brows in a manner that told me he’d worked long and hard in front of a mirror.

There’s always time to appreciate some good Dukat dunking

“Your life means nothing to me. Just as my father’s meant nothing to you.”

“I beg your pardon? Do I know your father?” Dukat made a move to grab me and immediately stopped himself. I was impressed by his self-control; I knew how much energy fueled his hatred.

“No offense,” I went on, further testing his control. “Of course, Procal Dukat was a famous military figure. We all mourned his passing. But I never had the pleasure personally….”

At his most miserable, but also his funniest. It IS really interesting that his humor only really reaches its current state here, when he’s lost Palandine and everything else in his life. It’s almost like the only remaining way to be close to her. 

No, I decided that I was not going to sacrifice myself to Dukat’s desire for revenge. I would do this work; I would do it so well as to become indispensable to the station… and I would survive. I refused to be buried alive in this humiliation.

‘Sort of suicidal: yes; willing to go down in history as one of Dukat’s Ws… fuck no’

- I pick up their garments and mend them flawlessly. When they complain that the price is steep (because I’m treated like a slave doesn’t mean I’m going to start undervaluing my work), I just give them the smile—the smile she taught me.

Fdsahfasj hilarious. You go Garak you know your worth

- (About Pythas and Palandine) At this moment I am almost afraid to discover that they’d survived. A part of me has wanted to bury that part of my life. The defenses I set up to survive my exile are obviously still intact.

I am often joined on my walks by Dr. Parmak. He’s a charming conversationalist, with a first-rate mind. His perspectives are always provocative. He does, however, have a tendency to proselytize for Alon Ghemor and the “Reunion Project” (the name they’ve given their group to remind people of the principles that formed the original Union). Whenever we encounter other pedestrians along our route, Parmak engages them and attempts to win them over to the Reunion side. This often makes for spirited exchanges, and although I am subjected to the opinions of people who should be given a new brain, I rather enjoy this peripatetic politicking. It’s something I would never have done on my own. In some respects he is so much like you, Doctor. If I’ve found someone’s opinion insufferably boring, he’ll kindly but sternly lecture me on the value of tolerance.

The wistful longing of ‘in some respects he’s so much like you’. ‘Although i am subjected to the opinions of people who should be given a new brain’. ‘Charming conversationalist’, is he. Garak you are a nonsense person and I adore you 

One day I asked him how he had been brought to Enabran Tain’s attention. He never struck me as being a dangerous radical. It turns out that he was Tain’s personal physician, and that the great man had him interrogated because, the Doctor assumed, “he was concerned that I was in an ideal position to assassinate him.”

“I think he was more threatened by the fact that you were intimate with his weaknesses,” I pointed out.

“Well, certainly his physical infirmities,” he admitted.

“Which are also a man’s weaknesses,” I reminded him.

“The paranoia, the secrets, the power he held….” The doctor shook his head. “He must have been a difficult man to work for.” I smiled at his understated tact.

“He once tried to have me killed,” I said.

“Really? What did you do, Elim?”

“I survived.” The Doctor gave me a confused look.

“Survived … what?” he asked.

“Working for my father,” I replied. The Doctor stopped and just looked at me. His former fear of my eyes was long gone.

“A father who would murder his own son?” The idea horrified him. We were in the Barvonok Sector, where the tall structures of business and finance once dominated. “Oh, my dear Elim,” he said, this time with an empathy that stripped me of any illusions I had about Enabran Tain as a father. Surrounded by the piles of debris, oppressed by the low leaden sky, I finally began to surrender to the loneliness and loss that has preyed upon my dreams ever since I can remember. Even nothing is better than the ideas that have brought us here.

Go on without me I’ll be over here crying my eyes out 

- I wonder if Limor Prang was one of the people killed in Tain’s Obsidian Order purge in Improbable Cause. If he  was still alive that seems pretty likely huh. Well. RIP terrifying team mom I guess.  

- Garak got his business up and running for real through a deal with Quark! Puts some of their interactions into perspective haha

I don’t do well with the kind of emotional exchanges humans seem to engage in regularly, and I have little sympathy for those who confuse the responsibilities of family with their duty to the state; but I confess that I am deeply moved by this woman’s plight.

Well it’s good the guy you have a thing for was raised British then he’ll probably feel pretty much the same way you’re perfect for each other

At one point she looked at me and asked me to hold her. I did. As I tentatively put my arms around her, I was so afraid of her need that I tried to keep her body at a distance. She would have none of it. She collapsed against me, and the sobs that convulsed and rolled through her body found correspondence in mine. I bit my tongue until I could taste blood in the effort not to surrender. Gratefully, the door to the Promenade was closed.

He keeps claiming he doesn’t care for the human tendency towards displays of emotionality even as we see it draw him in like a stupid horny sentimental moth to the flame repeatedly. The lizard doth protest too much methinks

- Unless I have business I rarely go to Quark’s; I have little tolerance for noise and stupidity. So when he saw me he assumed that I had another proposition, and I observed him shift into his engage mode.

Fun to see how this changes over the years, then! By the ca. Season 7 part of the book he has a few regular tables and everything. Also isn’t it so sweet that his kind of snotty attitude about this has not changed at all since Bamarren haha <3

- “The dead are dead. Those of us left—who believe in the ideals that have guided our race for millennia—are faced with the threat of utter annihilation by the very disease that has brought us to this sad place. Federation ideas will finish the work the Dominion began.”

Disease/contagion imagery (This is Legate Parn speaking, and he’s basically espousing the same view as Dukat Sr. As far as he’s concerned the call is not and never has been coming from inside the house thank you ever so much lol)

On the other side of Madred was Nal Dejar, a sharp-faced, saturnine woman who had been a member of my last cell at the Order. She once came to Deep Space 9 on an assignment with two scientists, and refused to make any contact with me. Judging from her averted look, she was still refusing. Next to her was a man with a severely disfigured face that was still recovering from what appeared to be burns. One eye was completely covered, and I was careful not to be rude in my inspection.

OH so it’s the lady who came along with Gilora and Ulani! The one who does not care for foreign food 

Gul Ocett was persuasive in her quiet and reasoned strength. Indeed, the irony, Doctor, is that she was espousing the very argument I had made to you any number of times. Even now there was a part of me that accepted the logic of her argument, especially when coming from someone who was neither a fool nor an opportunist.

While you were stealth mentoring Julian in having enough spysmarts not go and get his beautiful twink ass killed at the first opportunity he was stealth mentoring you in the political and ideological underpinnings of democracy and the possibility of being loved BITCH!!!!

I simply smiled at him, genuinely amused by his amateur attempts to discredit me. I was surprised by my responses. I was here to play the role of double agent, and I found that as the meeting went on I didn’t have the energy for the requisite guile and misdirection.

Fdkjfhdsa ‘Aw. That’s cute’. He just doesn’t have it in him to work up the energy for cloak and dagger bullshit and it’s so good and so funny 

And then a strange sensation went through me, Doctor. I looked at the faces of these people. Here we are, I thought, sitting in the basement of a ruined civilization and conducting business as if nothing significant had changed. The enemies were still the same, somewhere “out there,” plotting how to “destroy our character” and colonize us with their political system. And we were down in the basement with our own plots and shifting alliances, tenaciously holding on to the very ideas that had brought us here. But what ideas, Doctor? There’s nothing left. Only fantasies of power. These faces with their masks. With the ironic exception of the disfigured face, the masks hadn’t changed. They reflected the usual range of hidden agendas, each competing for dominance and ascendancy with an energy commensurate to the amount of fear and self-loathing that fueled and motivated that person. I started to laugh.

Amazing showstopping revolutionary good for you Garak

It was him, Doctor. It was Pythas.

EIGHT MY BELOVED WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

“Thank you, Gul Madred, but I can find my way out.” I bowed to the company, and turned my back on them.

I continue to be so proud of him I have no words. And also this is why I don’t like Castellan Garak as a concept AT ALL. Leave him alone to his orchids and sewing and doctor fucking he’s been through enough he doesn’t need that in his life anymore he can do other things to help. Parmak and Julian would stage an intervention. 

- Oh my GOD the cardassians literally just left terok nor without him overnight like Sid’s family in Ice Age fhdskjafh

Garak has been combining the wire AND being a barely functional alcoholic all this time. So at any given time in the first two season the chances that he is not only high but also profoundly drunk are overwhelmingly likely. This explains a lot.  

Rom had a sensitivity, almost a delicacy that was totally lacking in his brother. Was there such a thing as a typical Ferengi? Most people judged him to be simple, as if simplicity was somehow a substandard quality.

Aw. Also maybe some hints as to his reconciliation with Tolan’s memory. 

“Well, Rom, the trousers and tunic fit quite well, don’t you think?” I pulled the tunic down at the back. “Don’t wear it so far up on the neck; it ruins the line. And I’d be grateful if you’d tell any interested parties that indeed I’m still here and very much open for business.”

“Oh, yes … yes! And I like….” Rom made a broad, awkward gesture toward his new ensemble. I thanked him, and we walked out onto the Promenade, as if it were just another business day. We said goodbye, and I watched him march proudly through the ragged celebrants. I had a fondness for him. It was an odd relief, especially at this moment, to converse with someone who literally meant everything he said. 

T________________________T surprise most wholesome dynamic continues to wreck me. 

He stood for a moment, studying me, trying to divine why I had not been allowed to join the withdrawal. Unlike the others who assumed that because I was a Cardassian I had a choice, Odo knew that I’d been abandoned.

“Was there any damage or theft?” he asked.

“No,” I answered. I knew little about Constable Odo, but I was confident that he would never ask me questions that went beyond his function as security chief. He kept his distance and carried himself like someone who understood exile.

Odo appreciation moment as this is his last appearance in the book. Here’s to the small part of the fascist hivemind that harnessed those impulses towards the aim of becoming the world’s best and beigest mall cop. Unproblematic? No. But sometimes you simply love a good problem. 

The fact that the narrative of this section ends right before Garak meets Julian. Probably a matter of weeks, max. You big sentimental sap lmao

- Parmak, Ghemor, and I stood silently among the formations, inspecting the results of our work in the first light.“I mean no disrespect, Elim,” the Doctor said, “but the memorial looks even better.” I nodded in agreement.

“Please, Doctor,” I replied. “ ‘Restoration’ is fine for artifacts and museum pieces. When it comes to building a new community, I think what we did tonight is more to the point.”

“And we did it without murdering each other,” Ghemor added.

“How un-Cardassian of us,” I observed.

This all rules btw . Restoration is fine for artifacts and museum pieces it’s not for things that are alive. Gardener vs. architect/collector, Tolan vs. Tain. 

Alon said: “I think we should get some rest before the competition begins. We’ve done what we can.” It was a wise suggestion, but each of us knew that we were taking a step into the unknown, and sleep at this point was not really a choice. We had done what we could, and probably it was best if each of us retired to the privacy of his own thoughts. We said our goodnights, and as I watched them leave I felt an enormous gratitude that I had been given the opportunity to work with these men. Once again in my life I felt that I had been resurrected from the dead.

Nodding and crying gif. Yeah. Yeah… you’ve done all you could and no one could ask anything more of you. 

- “You know, Elim, I’m neither a soldier nor a politician. I’m a doctor.”

“I do know that. I also know that we’ve been betrayed by our previous leaders. Our only hope is that men like yourself can offer an alternative.”

“But you have the expertise that can….”

“Doctor, I have the expertise that comes from survival and compromise. There’s already plenty of that on the other side … and it’s not an alternative that will create a new and lasting union.”

“No, I suppose you’re right,” he conceded.

“You’re a doctor, yes, and that’s your strength. I’ve learned something about your profession over the past several years. Don’t think like a politician. Think of the planet as a patient barely hanging on to life. Think like a doctor. How would you save this planet?” He considered what I’d said in his careful manner.

Just as it is vital for a person like Garak to have a little Julian Bashir who lives in his head, it’s probably also good for the Bashirs and Parmaks of the world to develop a little Garak who lives in their heads to go ‘yeah that sounds real nice in theory but now imagine that there are in fact bad people in this world (I should know) who’ll interact with that theory and then act accordingly’ . Garak realizing where he belongs in this whole process tho… 

“Ah, Doctor,” I stopped him. “You can’t go to your meeting like that.”

“Like what?” he asked with a puzzled look. Without explaining, I helped him out of his worn outer coat and showed him a ragged tear in the fabric. Despite his protests, I made him sit down and wait while I gathered my sewing kit and repaired the tear.

“Appearances are very important to these people. You can’t let them think you’re oblivious to details,” I said, as I reunited the torn and separated threads.

The Mila fussing-as-a-love language of it all…

- (About Pythas) The thought occurred to me that perhaps I should include him in a chant for the dead.

DAMN but also YEAH

- I moved to the constructed formation that stood in the space formerly occupied by Tain’s study and almost directly above where Mila’s body had been sadly abandoned in the basement. When I was a boy, I had unending dreams that centered around the memorials of Tarlak. As I lay on my pallet in the basement of Tain’s house, I would plan the scenario that would play out when Tolan took me with him to Tarlak. It would always involve me as the hero paying homage to a comrade fallen in a battle where we had both distinguished ourselves. I would tell the gathered assembly of notables every detail of the battle; people would weep, cheer, listen in stunned amazement as I explained how we had saved the Union from certain destruction. When I had finished, Mila and Tolan would escort me through the adoring crowd. What a terrible irony, Doctor, that those forbidding, impersonal memorials to the heroes of the Cardassian Union should ultimately become transformed into these ragged formations on the grounds of my childhood home … and that I would sit here, a middle-aged man, trying to mourn a fallen comrade who was still standing but barely recognizable. And yet, the irony of a Cardassia reborn with the help of a memorial built from the remains of Tain’s home didn’t escape me either.

Taking immense psychic damage with every word. When do you stop wanting your mom and dad to come pick you up and take you home, even when they’re both dead and kind of not your parents anymore in two different ways even before that? Never, probably 

- “What changed your mind?”

“Your friends, Elim. Very impressive people … and persuasive.”

“What had you expected?” I asked.

“The usual amateurs who never understood what was at stake … the hard choices that had to be made,” [Pythas] explained. “To be honest, I had thought your attachment to this Reunion Project was….”

“Sentimental,” I finished. He smiled knowingly at the reference.

CACKLING. All but openly saying ‘yeah I thought it’s was because you’re fucking the doctor and I know exactly what a god-awful simp you are’ fhskdjafhaskjdh

“As I listened to him speak of the responsibility that we had as survivors to the life that remained, I also realized how bitter and hardened I had become.” He stopped and looked back to Nal Dejar, as if he were making sure she was still there. She met his eyes with a communication I couldn’t decipher, and he nodded. “Nal nursed me back to where I could function … part of me wished she hadn’t. Until your doctor spoke about healing … on every level. It’s what the body wants, he told us … unless we choose otherwise.” Pythas sat with his head bowed for a long moment. “I’d become very bitter, Elim.” I sat on a rock across from him and gently put my hand on his. What was it about this place, I wondered.

Hmngh. ‘I’d become very bitter, Elim’. No matter what choices they made along the way, where they fucked up or where they did everything right, they both ended up in basically the same place, embittered and broken, until someone touched their life with kindness. Nal is Pythas’ Julian Bashir. Coming back to life not as an act of will but because there’s someone waiting for you there saying ‘I’ll help you through it’. 

“Do you know where Palandine is?” I asked. He just looked at me. “Is she still alive?”

In the darkness, it was difficult to read the expression in his one good eye. The silence that followed my question was broken only by his rasping breath. Behind her mask of disinterest Nal Dejar was studying me carefully. Even when she was a probe I was impressed by the strength of her focus. Pythas was fortunate to have her care and devotion.

I think Pythas and Nal Dejar’s whole deal could make for a really interesting story all on its own. Presumably they’ve known or at least known about each other for a long time now, since Garak has seen Nal around even though they’ve never worked together closely 

- Just enough light for lovers; just enough light to begin he says, only to open the next chapter/epilogue with ‘My dear Doctor’ and explaining how he finally decided to send the letter. Healing on every level? Maybe? If we’re real lucky??? 

- My dear Doctor:

Again, forgive my further tardiness in sending this—I don’t even know what to call it. Memoirs of a Cardassian tailor? I suppose that’s as accurate a description as any. You see, Doctor, I seriously debated whether or not I should send this to you. As I went over it I wondered who this mawkish and self-serving person was. Grow up! I wanted to tell him. Get on with your life.

Well, I am; and sending this to you is going to further that cause. As I said, I’m an unfinished man reassembling the pieces of a broken world, and I have asked you to be a witness because you would never judge me as harshly as I judge myself. You would never deny me the opportunity of a second chance.

I feel like those last two sentences are the most important ones in this whole book — it’s what all the rest of it is built on, what made any of it possible. And also it will haunt me for the rest of my days but like in a good life-affirming way lol

His playful grousing about ugh your vaunted democracy *eyeroll*  <3<3<3<3 come down to cardassia so you can have spirited debates turned makeout sessions/foreplay about it already julian please he’s setting you up for so many slam dunks here

I live with my orchids, which have unified and softened the increasingly popular grounds of my home. Their beguiling blooms, and the presence of children who come to play among the structures (as I did in Tarlak), help to dispel the somber mood that initially hung like those clouds of dust over our world. The sounds of their voices as they play function as a music that never fails to lighten my work. The children call it the “tailor’s grounds,” and the name has caught on. Yes, Doctor, I continue to work at my “new” profession. As you can imagine, there’s a good deal of mending to be done.

TAIN’S HOUSE TURNED INTO JUST ‘THE TAILOR’S GROUNDS’ BY THE VOICES OF PLAYING CHILDREN Y_____Y I hope enabran ‘let history be my judge’ tain gets forgotten for anything but his massive fuckup and that garak works some magic with what little fabric he has at his disposal to make the neighbourhood kids like. Stuffed toys he sews clothes for and he’s known as the person to go to when one is damaged so he can patch it back up good as new  while teary little faces watch intently and then brighten. Julian seriously pretends to be his medical consultant as they perform teddy bear operations, what with his extensive expertise in the field and excellent bedside manner. No arm is too amputated to be reattached and we can always find a good button to replace Mr. Tinny’s missing eye in fact he’ll see even better now. I have such hopes for them I have such dreams 

 I have expanded my shed in the never-ending quest to find my place. I feel that I’m getting closer, Doctor, especially as I continue to refine the structures. One, which began as a memorial to Tolan, has a crude but effective representation of the winged creature from the Hebitian sun disc—turned toward the radiating sun, reaching, striving, while the sun-fed filaments stream down from the body and connect with the bodies of people standing on a globe and looking up to the creature for this divine connection…. I’ve attached the recitation mask he gave me to the creature’s face, and somehow it has become my personal totem. I hope that someday you’ll have the opportunity to see it. Nothing would please me more. You’re always welcome, Doctor.

You are always welcome, Doctor is one of those ‘you could slap that on my gravestone and I’d be happy about it’ lines. What a ride huh 

Aside from anything else about this book (I think we can safely let this absolute monster of a three part reaction post be testament to my enjoyment and admiration right I hope I have made no secret of it lol) I want to congratulate Andrew Robinson for getting a novel-length character study written in first person (my beloved) published — as I understand it that’s normally a pretty hard sell in the publishing industry haha he was living the dream I one day fervently hope to as well and the results rule

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

my fullmoon dream ended up being a somewhat dense one in a continuation of my dream timeline

There's this person, who was my friend but it ended badly, a few years ago. And i didnt really understand what happened it was very confusing to me, i didnt really have any power in the situation, it was only this past year i learned of the way all these strings were being pulled behind my back, which helped me understand why that situation occurred, why there was so much resentment directed towards me when i was trying so hard to just exist and keep the friendship simple + lighthearted. Like basically it was just sabotaged which has been kind of hard for me to accept even with finally knowing how it was sabotaged, it was all so unnecessary and i just wish i knew sooner.

over the past 2 or so years ive had a recurring dream scenario where I run into this person. i always write them on here too. Sometimes we apologize to each other, sometimes we dont really speak at all, but theres always this vibe of like, "Things are cool between us now, its Ok." And its a very relieving feeling, in the dreams. its almost exciting, like wow, we can be friends again??! The thing i find most interesting about it is that even though i lost a LOT of friends in the past few years through the same source of sabotage, this is the only person i have these dreams about. I guess we were pretty close for a while but still its interesting no one else comes up in this way.

Anyways. in the dream last night(this morning), it was kind of different... it was really emotional?? usually its never that emotional, usually we dont even say much. but in this dream today, they were crying, they were so earnestly apologetic, talking about how they regret the ways they treated me, and missed being my friend so much. And i cried too because it felt so good to hear it, i apologized for the messy ways i responded to the situation because i didnt get it at the time i thought i was going crazy.. And we were like holy shit we can finally just be friends again.. This is amazing..

as the conversation closed i woke up, i had a moment of being like woahh, that just happened, all the feelings and imagery of it cemented into my conscious mind. THEN, i fell BACK asleep, to the exact same dream!! it just continued. I went and did some other things, i got a job at this weird childrens entertainment center where i was dressed in a panda costume dancing for children. But it was the exact same setting, they were still sitting in the same spot close by, and in the dream i kept having flashes of relief thinking like "omg we're friends again i cant wait to catch up and talk more once im off work"

i feel my body woke me up from that conversation to make sure i really claearly remember that part of the dream before it continued on. I havent had a dream-wakeup-backtosamedream happen in quite a while but i always regard it as an extra significant dream when i do,... also its the full moon

i never know what to do after these dreams like do i reach out? honestly this person kind of intimidates me so i never know. Like i cAnt imagine in reality they miss being my friend that much. But they are pretty sentimental deep down, so maybe. Its just a difficult situation where I was never the one with any of the power, So it feels strange to instigate contact. Like how it happened in the dream, it would only really make sense if they said something first. Maybe these dreams are just meant to bring about some psychic closure that i'm not likely to ever receive irl. Its always very confusing to wake up from lol. I would like to feel that relief for real..

But at the end of the day im satisfied with my life and the friends I have now, so its not a big deal. Just stuff thats buried. I swear its always full moons when i dream about them lol! We have the same moon sign, in astrology, i wonder if thats something to do with it. We always had a lot of weird almost creepy synchronizations in our personalities. Oh well

[ggyutarist]

࿔ ⊹ ˚₊ Watching the setting sun in a field of pink roses with you 🌷 ₊˚⊹ ࿔

A/N: lols first post. its kinda bad so dont come at me. youve been warned. did i write this because i miss my childhood? haha no. wdym. beomgyu reminds me of pink roses idk why honestly so i decide to haunt you all with the beomgyu + pink roses idea <33. Notice how the title is long bc txt also have long song titles? yes noticed? good. its lowkey incomprehensible because i just muddle up all my thoughts together and didnt bother much. its so rushed im sorryyyy.

NOT RLLY PROOFREAD PLS BARE WITH ME🙏🙏

💫: Beomgyu x GN reader because theyre UNFED (justice for my gn readers🗣️).

Content: Nostalgia, Beomgyu and you running in a field of pink roses while the sun sets basically. Like the title said.

WC: 674 (rlly short sigh)

I miss knowing nothing. I miss just playing around. I miss the sun, the sky, and the clouds. I miss running among the pink roses that miserably reminds me of you.

To be kids running along a field, flattening the grass with the sole of your and his sneakers again, you miss it. The relentless passing of time is really atrocious. Can’t it just pause for a bit? You can’t even have time to appreciate the moments enough. This thing called time…it’s too fast.

Beomgyu is also running too fast for your liking. He runs too much, honestly. You can clearly feel your legs giving out but its just so blissful. Running and trying to not step on the roses while feeling the wind on your face. Its nice, isnt it?

It’s a light atmosphere. No headaches, no stress, no anything. Just running and feeling the cold wind against your skin till you both collapse on the grass, exhausted. All for shits and giggles.

Both of you just stared at the blue sky, counting clouds perhaps. This won’t last forever, will it? The seconds…you can feel the seconds. Your heartbeat can feel the seconds. You know sooner or later, you can’t have this again.

Can’t I go back?

Why can’t I go back?

I want to feel like a kid again.

Please let me go back.

I miss the bliss of ignorance.

The passing of time can’t be stopped. No matter what you do, it will only continue to pass on. It’s cruel, really. Why does it have to keep going? Why do we, everyone, have to be the one to work with it? Can’t it be considerate of us too?

Time always seems to slow down on the bad days and speed up on the good ones. What a bitch, no? Pondering on such things makes time even slower but it’s okay. Today, time slowing down is pretty. Pretty blue sky, pretty little fluffy clouds, pretty little roses. Pretty eyes of his…

Today was horrible.

So why don’t we watch the sunset together?

At least, let me end the day with one blissful feeling.

The boy that sat beside you, the one whose hair always glows gold under the sun, has a soft smile plastered on his face. Why is he always so smiley? You despise it in a way you wish he would keep doing that. It’s complicated but it’s fine. That’s why this feeling is so…you don’t know how to word it but that’s why you love it. It doesn’t have to be entirely understood and you’d rather have it that way.

Love doesn’t have an exact meaning. It’s all depending on how the person views it and that’s why, when one experiences it, it is special to them. Love is called love, simply because it is love.

Same thing with forever.

Why is forever called forever? You know there’s probably no direct answer to it or any answer at all. It’s just what it is. There could or could not be such things as forever but as long as he’s here, time slows down. He makes it seem like time slows down just for the two of you.

Maybe you do or don’t believe in a love that’s forever, you don’t know. But Beomgyu? For this one moment, he makes you feel you want to believe in it. The boy that continues to sit beside you, surrounded by pink roses and is smiling at the setting sun. 

Oh, why’s the day ending already? Since when has the sun set? Since when did the sky turn to the hue of pink? You thought of too many questions regarding meaningless things but you’re willing to leave it all unanswered. As long as time keeps him here with the pink roses around him. He would look nice with a pink rose. Maybe, on his ear or something.

Under the setting sun, in a field of pink roses…

For as long as time decides to go…

Can you be with me?

[kokinu09]

Let Go of the Reins || Chapter 7

pairing seungmin x fem!reader

genre strangers to lovers, romance, fluff, slight angst later, happy ending, social media, not meant to be, someday

summary Australia is considered home for two of the eight members. When two tour dates are scheduled for the land down under, the boys can’t help but want to spend a bit more time there to visit family and do a little sightseeing. So how do they convince the company that they need to stay a couple weeks? Filming some SKZ Code episodes.

A local riding school just outside the city with amazing reviews for their skilled instructors and beautiful horses is hosting a very popular kpop group to film their experiences. Y/N knows the group well and she just so happens to be their star working student.

status ongoing

taglist OPEN

previous | masterlist | next

~*~

You and Liv got to the venue early like Seungmin requested, about 2 hours to be exact. If it hadn’t been for the two of you having to get a few things done at the ranch that morning, you probably would’ve been there even sooner. The excitement for the concert causing your body to basically vibrate with anticipation, a permanent smile plastered on your face even as you lugged the massive buckets of feed around the barn in the wee hours of the day.

So far, the experience has been incredible. The STAY that you’ve met are some of the sweetest people; chatting with you and Liv while waiting in concession lines or for merch, complimenting your outfits to no end, and even offering you little freebies for no reason other than the mutual love of Stray Kids.

Every time the most common question in the entire K-pop community is asked, “Who’s your bias?”, you find a certain member's name falling from your lips. The answer should be the same as it’s always been. Bang Chan. You’ve been an unwavering Chan stan for as long as you’ve been listening to Stray Kids. But lately, it seems you’ve had a change of heart.

“So~,” Liv sing-songs and you already know the teasing is about to begin, “your new bias is Seungmin, huh?” Her eyebrows wiggle as you two walk away from another group of friendly STAYs.

“I don’t know why you’re surprised,” you say with a roll of your eyes.

“Oh, I’m not~!” She chirps. “I think it’s super cute!”

“Yeah, and I’m sure Han would be offended that you’ve switched rappers on him.”

“Hey! I told everyone Han is still my bias!” Liv argued with her full chest. Hand fisted on her hips and all.

“Riiight, then shouldn’t that freebie be HanQuokka instead of Dwaekki?” You say, pointing out the little SKZOO inspired pin the talented STAY had just gifted her.

“I—!” She cuts off her own protest, cheeks puffed out in a pout as she crosses her arms. “Maybe Changbin is being a bit of a wrecker lately….” She mumbles with a pink blush spreading across her nose. You do your best to hide your snicker at her expense.

The two of you walk around for a few more minutes but the longer you’re there, the more anxious you’re becoming about these mystery seats that Seungmin has promised. So you decide to make your way to the staircase to meet up with your escort.

When the stairs finally come into sight, you notice a large, like huge, security guard standing just off to the side of it. He’s dressed in all black and a black pair of shades over his eyes, even though he’s inside.

You want to laugh but he is definitely too scary looking to laugh at.

“Think that’s our guy?” Olivia leans in to ask in a hushed tone.

“I’d say so.” You reply, leading the way toward Mr. Scary-Security-Guard.

He seems to be looking for something (or someone) with the way his head is on a swivel until he spots you two approaching. It’s hard not to gulp as you realize how mountainous of a man this guy really is when you get closer. He looks like he could take on the entire stadium if it came down to it.

Was it really necessary for Seungmin to send this guy to walk them to some seats? Did he think they’d get mugged by some STAY along the way? Unlikely.

But you put on a nervous smile anyway and ask, “This is going to sound stupid but…are you here to show us to our seats…?”

The man is stone cold, the firm set of his mouth doesn’t budge even a centimeter. “Are you Y/N?” He asks in a (very intimidating) deep, baritone voice.

“Y-yeah! And this is Liv!” You say, quickly looping your arm with hers so you’re not in the center of attention. He nods his head at the introduction then extends his arm in the direction along the side of the stairs.

“This way ladies.” He says before leading them as they get to walking.

His threatening demeanor alone clears the path for them, everyone content with avoiding getting in his way. The eyes of passersby follow you in curiosity, wondering who you might be to deserve such an escort. You keep your head down and urge your feet to go one foot in front of the other.

All the way until he brought you to an ‘Authorized Personnel Only’ door. You and Liv both stop when he opens it. And he looks back at the two of you expectantly. You glance over at your friend and catch her eying you too. But you decide to trust Seungmin’s word about better seats and continue to follow Mr. Big-and-Grumpy.

The sounds of the three of your footsteps echo around the concrete walls of the service hallway they are now making their way down. You were starting to think there really was something to Seungmin’s suspiciously vague messages.

“So, um, where exactly are we going?” You ask hesitantly.

Your question is met with silence for a long minute. You’re sure he’s not going to answer but then he says, “It was requested that I bring you to meet with the band before escorting you to your actual seats.”

While your mouth drops open in surprise, Liv beside you squeals. “Really?! No way! This is totally awesome!” She cheers, bouncing with each step and tugging on your arm in excitement.

The shock of it slowly wears off and a smile forms on your face instead. An excitement of your own warming your heart and causing the butterflies in your stomach to start fluttering. Seungmin really did make sure he’d get to see you for the show.

The two of you have a pep in your step now, following a little closer behind your escort. No longer fearful of his wrath knowing the guys were expecting you.

“What’s your name, Big Guy?” Liv boldly asks eventually.

After another pause, you wonder if he’s being careful of what he says to you two. But this time he responds quicker. “Smitty.”

“Cool name,” Liv says under her breath.

“It’s nice to meet you, Smitty,” you opt to reply instead.

“Mhm,” he grunts and then another patch of silence falls between you three. You think it will stay that way but then he speaks up again.

“Are you dating,” it barely sounds like a question. And you’re so confused by it that your face scrunches and twists in the most unattractive way.

“Excuse me?”

“Are you dating him,” he clarifies, still not sounding like he’s asking.

“Dating who?” You press, earning a frustrated sigh.

“Seungmin. The one who specifically asked me, their personal security, to bring you to them safely. Are you dating him.”

“No! No, no, I’m not. He wouldn’t—” You were abruptly cut off by your best friend.

“Girl, I’m gonna stop you right there ‘cause yes he would.” Liv says, giving you a seriously nasty glare that you’d be afraid of if you didn’t know her as well as you do. Then she straightens up to address Smitty again. “And what’s it to you anyways? Why would you possibly care who either of them date?”

Her attitude seems to strike a nerve as he stops, you almost bump into his back but thankfully you don’t. He turns to face you and gives Olivia a side eye from overtop the rim of his sunglasses.

“I only ask because I have been working security for these kids for over 2 years for their tours and never once has any of them even remotely done something like this for a girl.” He explains, not looking angry but maybe a bit worried. “He’s a good kid with a big heart. If you’re only in it for the money or the clout, please, just enjoy this concert and part ways with him. He doesn’t deserve to be strung along and hurt like that.”

“Wha—? I would never use him! I bought tickets on my own! I never asked him to bump me into better ones or even to arrange this meet-and-greet!” You’re quick to defend yourself, taking a deep breath to calm down. “I know you’re only saying this because you care, but I intend to stay his friend, or whatever he wants me to be, for as long as he’ll have me. If anyone’s going to get hurt, it’ll be me.”

Your eyes burn with angry tears as you glare up at him. Angry that anyone would take advantage of the guys like that. Angry that people like to act like they know you and make assumptions. Angry that you just spilled your heart out to this stupid security guard and now you feel raw.

Liv’s hand is gentle when it lands on your shoulder, a soft and watery smile on her face when you turn away from Smitty to look at her. And she quickly wraps you in a hug, knowing how big it was for you to admit your feelings out loud like that.

When you hear the man clearing his throat, your attention is drawn back to him. Though your hard eyes and deep frown have returned to your features. He starts to chuckle, which should have pissed you off but it didn’t.

“You’ve got spunk girls.” He says through his laughter, taking a moment to recompose but a smirk still remaining. “And you seem genuine, so I’ll believe you.”

Your shoulders relax, a tension you didn’t even realize you were carrying leaving your body as if getting this man’s approval meant you could get anyone’s. He turns to continue in the direction you all were originally heading but glances over his shoulder at you. “Let’s keep moving. I don’t really wanna lose my job for keeping your boyfriend waiting.” Now he’s teasing you?!

“He’s not my boyfriend!” You groan, earning a giggle from Liv as you follow along anyway.

Willing to give up the argument if it means seeing him a little bit sooner.

~*~

taglist

@kangaracha @rainfallingfromthesky @puppysmileseungmin @defnotfertilizedtoesw @teenyfinds

@bbokari711 @lakoya @chlodavids @rylea08

@keepswingin

[kanmom51]

Hi. For some reason I’ve been stressing over Jimin going into the military. Then I saw RM’s letter this weekend and started thinking of his enlistment. Is it possible for RM and Jimin to go at the same time. I think I would feel so much better if that could happen. I know it isn’t likely but could that happen?

I love your blog and you are the only one I felt comfortable asking about this.

Hi @5becats. Thanks for your love and support.💜💜

Look, anything is possible. I do see a few of them perhaps enlisting around the same time, maybe not exact same day, but same draft period. I doubt the military would want two or more of them at the same training centre at the same time. Mainly for security reasons. I also don't think the military will have them posted (after their basic training) in the same units maybe even bases, unless if a couple of them get into the band.

Now for JM. I understand your sentiments. I wouldn't want him to enlist on his own either. But like I mentioned, even if a couple of them enlist at the same time the likelihood of them being together on base during training is super low.

I, for one, being super selfish at the moment, and unashamedly admitting to it, am hoping that JM doesn't enlist just yet.

I'm not sure what JM's working on at the moment, but he clearly is working on something (re: his 10 day stay in NY). It could be more new music, it could have been a MV shoot, it could have been a Dior or Tiffany shoot, it could have been all the above. I'm really hoping that if it was a MV shoot, it's not for a goodbye song (I, for one, am going to be devastated when that announcement comes for JM, and I am hoping it's gonna be later rather than sooner). There have been quite a few clues to there being more music on the way from JM. But him creating more music doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be released prior to his enlistment. It also doesn't mean that PJM2 is on it's way either, not in the near future, that is.

I kind of have this dream of the maknae line enlisting together. Again, that probably wouldn't be same enlistment date for the three, but around the same time frame, allowing them to do their service more or less at same time and discharged around the same time too.

This will allow JM to be around when JK releases his solo album and during the promotions, something that I know would be super important to both of them.

My heart will literally break if JK has to go through his first solo release without JM being able to be there by his side (even within the limitations set for them during JM's promotions).

[katnisspeetaprim]

AiB You Are An Idol

You Were an Idol

Before the borderlands happened you were a famous idol, constantly gaining popularity over time. You got a lot of stares from people in games and at the beach since they obviously recognised you which you could honestly do without. Its life and death in the borderlands so you wished that they would honestly just get over themselves.

Because of the constant attention from people you’d rather not have, this caused you to gravitate more towards the people who seemingly didn’t recognise you, or just simply didn’t care enough to bring it up.

Kuina

When you told Kuina about what you did before this her reaction was to be expected.

‘Ah really?! That’s so cool but your a terrible friend for not telling me sooner!’ She was pouting for a while after that.

In the end she would want to know everything about your career, like the supportive friend she is, and you happily tell her.

‘I expect special treatment and access to all your perks when we get back by the way.’ She wouldn’t let you off easy knowing that you could basically get whatever you wanted.

Chishiya

‘I’m not surprised. It fits you well now that I think about it.’ He chuckled to himself, thinking about you prancing around a stage. A stark contrast to how you had been in this world.

He wasn’t interested in that kind of thing if he was completely honest however, he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t curious about what kind of music you made, and would be looking you up the first chance he got.

Niragi

You had never told Niragi about being famous, mainly because you don’t associate or hang around with the guy, so naturally he found out through the grape vine.

He became fascinated by you, having never been with anyone famous before. He would make it his mission to engage with you at every opportunity, he wouldn’t be subtle about his intentions either.

He would most definitely hate your music if he actually heard it though by the way.

Arisu

Lowkey already knows who you are, maybe he had a poster or two of you on his walls at some point.

He would have first seen you at the beach and was gobsmacked. He wanted to come up to you but was afraid of bothering you so he kept his distance.

It was you who approached him in the end, you had noticed the guy trying not to make eye contact with you a few times now and thought that he was cute.

Arisu was a stuttering mess when you asked him if he wanted to grab a drink at the bar with you, but with a gentle nudge from his friend Usagi he was agreeing to your request.

‘I’d love to! I’m a big fan by the way, I don’t know if you could tell...’

Usagi

She also already knew who you were but she wasn’t bothered by it after all, in the borderlands everybody was in the exact same position.

‘Doesn’t it bother you? Constantly being in the public eye?’ She would ask you with a curious gaze. Most of her experience of being publically known had been negative after and just before her fathers death, so she couldn’t understand why someone would put themselves in that situation willingly.

You took the time to to explain how much you loved your career and how hard you worked to get

 to the position you were in now. Usagi still didn’t get wanting to be in the spotlight but she understood you better once you explained to her.

Kyuma

You and Kyuma had met before the borderlands, maybe you had both been performing at the same venue at one point.

You would have met again in his game for the King of Clubs. It would be a shock to both of you to see each other in this situation but were happy to see a familiar face, that was until Kyuma started to explain the game  to your group.

You wished you could have met again under different circumstances.

Banda

Of course he knows who you are in fact, you had been on his radar for quite a while now, not even because of your music he was just... obsessed with you.

You would meet officially in the Jack of Hearts game where he would constantly be watching you from across the room.

His stares made you feel uneasy but you would be lying if you said you weren’t intrigued by the guy.

Banda would make sure that you survived this game so he could have you to himself later.

[dweamofsweep]

Final few drawings from this sketchbook now that I’m recycling it! Kind of sad because this particular notebook was one I used as a little kid, it has some suuuper old and embarrassingly bad (but funny) drawings in it.

Also just going to put this here; I know something kind of blew up here over the weekend in this corner of Tumblr. Dr. Tezuka has been dead for several decades now, so we will never know exactly what “ending” he thought about for Tenma and Astro further than how they got separated and never really permanently reunited throughout his numerous re-writes and loose canon tendencies. That’s up to us to parse and make meaning of and potentially imagine beyond for ourselves as audience members of the series, which many fans have done over the years (And even any other official work done after Tezuka’s passing, like AB2003 and ATB, Pluto etc are basically the same thing). I believe we are allowed to disagree with the evaluations of media that others come up with, whether just in our heads or posted publicly! However, it is not our job to budge every last person’s opinion on the internet. We may “see” each other on a somewhat regular basis because, let’s face it, this fandom is pretty small, but at the end of the day none of us know everything that informs the meaning being made by the others — and we are not obligated to disclose such personal information for any reason, in real life or online. To give you an example and offer up something about myself, Astro as a character resonates with me in large part because he stands on the border between one group and another; although he is certainly a robot, he lives his life as a human would most of the time, creating a split between himself and other robots while still not being accepted fully into human society. It gives him a unique opportunity to bridge the two together, but as a result he can never be entirely one or the other. The reason why I find that fascinating is because I am a second-gen immigrant Asian-American, and it forms some parallels with the way I feel in my own life, having been raised more American than Asian. Also, my parents are culturally Chinese-Indonesian, but ethnically appear Chinese (as do I). I will never be fully accepted into native Chinese, Indonesian, or Chinese-Indonesian communities because I act too much like an “American” despite my appearance. I will also never be fully accepted into the American community I live in because I still cling onto some of my heritage, and of course also because of my appearance. But maybe due to my experience in both worlds, the chances have increased that I could foster greater empathy, interest, or understanding between them, and Astro gives me hope for that.

However— I wouldn’t expect anyone here to know that (or even remember after reading it — it’s fine, you can purge the info from your brain LOL) even if it does affect my readings of certain scenarios and stories. If someone were to post something that doesn’t acknowledge or reflect the perspective I have, I can feel any type of way about it, but I have to remind myself I don’t know where they’re coming from and to try not to take it too personally, since they don’t know where I’m coming from either. Maybe someone has had the exact opposite experience from me, maybe they just haven’t been in any comparable situation to begin with, they could also be a lot younger or older, or from another part of the world — on the internet you really just don’t know, and a person doesn’t really have to tell you if they don’t want to. Personally, once I’ve said my piece, I’ve said it. If someone disagrees with me over the same point repeatedly, and I considered their viewpoint but decided to retain mine, I don’t continue to engage them, because I know it gets unproductive sooner or later (neither side changes their mind or learns anything new, if anything we both just become more stubborn about our own arguments because we have to keep making the same one over and over). I do think about Tezuka’s and other artists’ work very seriously, as an artist myself and an aspiring professional, and I believe that’s a valid angle to come from. Yet I often just draw things on a whim despite the aforementioned, and as embarrassing as it is to admit, most of my drawings have very little meaning. I just post on here hoping it might make someone else a bit happier to see it; I suspect that many others in the community do the same. (Obviously if I misrepresent something severely in my own work, which I hope I will not but you never know, I want someone to tell me about it, but I didn’t think this was the case in the particular situation happening now.)

and… I will freely admit to sharing outlandish internet takes both as a kid and as an adult, then changing my mind and looking back on it, as well as my behavior in general, later with regret 😭 it will happen again, I’m sure… perhaps this is one and I should have kept my mouth shut, but I hope this at least gave some of my perspective. If you want to probe any further into my thoughts or ask for clarification you can!

[lasnevadascryptid]

I'm gonna say something that might be controversial but I'll say it anyways.

Ahem.

Ranboo's lore is unoriginal by dream SMP standards, not just as a concept. Naturally it's unoriginal by concept standards other people have come up with this idea before.

But on the dsmp he is not the only person to have this lore, and this issue for lack of a better word is why I LOATH to bits people scapegoating CC dream for whoever the CCs didn't or don't communicate. He may have owned the server but the lore wasn't is idea and largely didn't partake in lore, and from what I understand didn't overlook it either.

My impression from looking at fans talk about the lore behind the scenes stuff was that Wilbur was to some unknown extent in charge. But as I heard more stories and rumors about the treatment of the server's playerbase towards their fellow player, it became clear neither was true, and it was always that responsibility to communicate with the other players fell upon to the individual CC to do so, not Wilbur and certainly not Dream as many seem to claim.

Even your favorites are guilty of this, you should scapegoat Dream to ignore the issue just because they're your favorites and Dream is easy to punch down on and pin all the problems of the server on. Hell I rarely see any drama go by without Dream being dragged in as blame partly blamed on him regardless of we know or not he's involved or to blame. He is partly to blame, but not solely like I see a lot of people imply.

The miscommunication problem should have been called out a lot sooner, evidence was kinda always there, but it's now way too late, and i genuinely think some good would have happened if it was addressed.

For example:

Fundy and Ranboo have the exact concept for their lore. And it's never addressed. This is lead to a lot of interesting parallels and themes between the two that are never acknowledged. If it wasn't for the fact the way they discussed their lore and ideas for it, I'd assume it's intentional but it's very clearly not and I think their lore suffers for it.

What is Fundy and Ranboo's lore? Well, person has a supposed subconscious other version of themself with powers the consciousness version doesn't have, and causes the person to have issues sleeping, and generally causes them bouts of severe mentally health issues and "spells" of unreality and disassociations.

This subconscious self claims to the same person as the awake conscious self, and claims to genuinely want to help, but does so in a way that comes across as scary, unhelpful, strange and unusual, their actions and methods concerning. They also claim not to exist. Also, the more this subconscious self takes over, the worse the mental health of the waking conscious self gets.

In both cases this leads the person to another person with a smile motif often known for being shady or morally grey at best, others of the server often keeping their distance from this smile man. Though when they met this smile man, it's in a dream, and it may not even be the real person, the real deal, but rather something conjured up by the subconscious self to serve a purpose of sorts.

Especially now on the QSMP it's plastered everywhere to point if I wonder it's meant to be subconscious programming of sorts and for whom.

Besides a man with a dubious moral code and smile motif, they also come across a mysterious entity. For Ranboo, his Enderwalk ARG calls this entity Z. Just Z. And as for Fundy, it's not named, but there is a shadowy cloaked figure that chases him until he wakes up.

In both cases, they eventually give into this subconscious self seeking help and guidance, hoping for answers from the self proclaimed subconscious version of them directly.

And that's kinda it. Nothing comes from the similarities, and as far as I can tell. They aren't intended to be this similar. I WANT to theorize that they are similar because Z/"Nightmare" is lying to Fundy and Ranboo for some unknown reasons.

But it's basically confirmed that's not the case, Ranboo implied he didn't really know what they wanted from their character having changed their lore and even species a lot, eventually settle on: full blooded enderman that's just a chimera/half albino, and he's not possssed by anything it's genuinely a subconscious self that trusts dream for some/no reason???

And it's too similar to be Fundy somehow was predicted or copying Ranboo in the sense of again, Ranboo kept changing what he wanted the end to be, hell he changed how his death was play out, Wilbur confirmed it was gonna be self sacrifice to save Tubbo only for it to changed to be by Sam's blade.

I largely believe things could have been different if they just communicated, especially given how to some extent unintentionally Fundy gets replaced by Ranboo as Philza's grandson, as in Philza rejects Fundy in lore and disowns him only to turn around and allows Ranboo to live with him and Techno in their secluded fuck off away from everyone else cabin when they shunned nearly everyone else. Additionally Ranboo's being Fundy's last ally prior to Las Nevadas.

It could have been very interesting. It's clear as CCs they talked but also clear there similarities by chance are not intentional. The only thing that hints that I'm wrong here in my eyes is Z talks to Fundy in ender only for Fundy to realize what it means, meaning CC fundy knew about the ender walk but to what extent?????

:(((((((((((((((( stuff like this makes wish things... turned out differently. I genuinely wanted a s2 of dsmp. But seeing the CCs either not show up the ender dragon fight and or slowly quietly leave. Just. Ugh. The community thrives just bittersweet seeing the CCs move on to greener pastures.

[decks-writing-blog]

Whatever the Fuck Benrey Is: Chapter Twenty-Two: He's Fine

Chapter One

Previous

~

Benrey’s sentience was an accident. That became more and more obvious the further they got into the files until it was outright stated as a shocking development once the scientists noticed their experiment wasn’t quite the mindless blob they thought it was. After the reveal of what he’d been made for, that wasn’t too surprising – who needed or wanted a healing goo dispenser that thought and felt? – but that didn’t make it a fun realization. He was supposed to have been alive the same way a house plant was because that’s basically what he was supposed to have been.

Naturally when Subject X – Benrey couldn’t exactly pretend it wasn’t him anymore, could he? – started showing clear signs of intelligence, furthering testing began, all documented of course. The start of all the poking and prodding that had never seemed odd until Benrey had seen a somewhat similar situation portrayed in a video game with a distinct tone of it being a bad thing.

Shape shifting was the first of its bonus powers to manifest. It was bad at it, barely able to keep any shape as it tried and failed to copy the scientists, much to their delight. Why was it trying to copy them of all people? They sucked. Yeah there was no one else around but still. Benrey had been a dumb kid. Not surprising though considering he wasn’t supposed to have had any intelligence whatsoever.

Gordon, every so often asked how he was doing or if he needed a break. Benrey almost snapped at him about it after the third time but… it was a good sign. For now at least, Gordon still cared enough about him to continue to ask. Whether he cared enough to actually stop if Benrey said he wanted to was impossible to know. He could test it but it’d be too much trouble. The longer they kept going, the sooner they’d be done and then Benrey would see how Gordon felt about him after.

Benrey had deleted the purring video and hadn’t purred anywhere his handlers could see afterwards, meaning there shouldn’t be much on that particular talent of his. Gordon might decide to find out more. Measure the sound frequency of his purring or something like that. Or he might want to know other things Benrey’s old handlers hadn’t been able to figure out or hadn’t thought to test. Would he listen when Benrey told him ‘no, I don’t wanna be studied’? Only time would tell.

As they got deeper and deeper, dipping into late evening, requiring Benrey to switch on the light, they eventually hit things that stirred memories in him. At first just vague things that could’ve easily been explained away as him starting to look for things he remembered apart from the scientists. But then little Subject X started figuring out how to form the parts that made human speech possible. That he actually sort of remembered because he’d felt proud of himself for it after trying so hard for so long.

“Wow,” Gordon said after the first recording featuring him speaking properly, “you sound kinda like how you do now. Not like the exact same but, you know, similar. But I guess I don’t know why I expected you to sound like a normal child because you clearly weren’t one.”

“I was trying to sound like the scientists.” Because back then he’d been too stupid to not know better than to try to impress them. He’d been a dumb, lame, boring kid. If he could go back and talk to his younger self, he’d be tempted to punt it like a football down an elevator shaft. Not to kill it of course – in case it didn’t come back because that power hadn’t manifested yet, he clearly hadn’t started with all his powers after all – it was him after all, but to try to knock some sense into it because it was an idiot.

“Yeah, uh… normal kid stuff, trying to be like your…” Cutting himself off Gordon turned to face him properly. “This whole thing is really fucked up, you know that, right? Like you’re aware they’re not treating you like how you’re supposed to treat young children. Not that I know a whole lot about that kind of thing, I’ve never had a kid or even want one but I know that ain’t it. So like you know that…”

Benrey cut in. “Stop feeling bad for me.” Not when he wanted to study Benrey too, just like the scientists he was claiming were ‘fucked up’ for doing so. Even if he was nicer about it, it still didn’t give him the right to try to tell Benrey how he should feel about his past. “Keep going. There’s a lot left to go through.” There was no way they were going to finish tonight but getting as far as possible was still preferred. Especially if it didn’t leave Gordon any time to stew on it being ‘fucked up’ or whatever and thus decide to be annoying about any of it.

Gordon took a breath, about to say something else, probably stupid, but seemed to think better of it as he let out a sigh instead. He swiveled the chair back around to obey.

With the ability to speak came the the ability to communicate, relay thoughts and feelings. Which was the start of the questions and all the tests. Most of which had to be recorded of course. Did it hear, see, taste, and/or feel differently than humans did? How smart was it exactly? Could they teach it to read, write, and do math? With a basis on such down, could it be left alone with a work sheet or book and be able to teach itself more when commanded to? Would it explain how it changed shapes and colours? What did it feel when it healed after being cut? Did it feel the same when other forms of potential damage, like if someone slapped it, were inflicted on it?

The final question and the bonus question it brought about how its odd body reacted to and healed from various non-cutting damage sources ended up with its own video. A few minutes into it… “I remember this,” Benrey said as he settled into leaning against Gordon’s chair again. This would hopefully be less aggravating to watch than the rest of it had been up until now.

“Didn’t you say you couldn’t feel pain?”

“Nah, never said that. I can uh… prevent it I guess. Healing makes it go away, obviously but it still hurts until its healed. So it hurts for like a second or two and then its better. Except when I turn off feeling where the pain is gonna be or whatever. Don’t know how it works,” another thing Gordon might try to study him to figure out, “but I was bad at it back then ‘cause I was bad at everything.” As they’d clearly already seen, he didn’t come into being with all his powers and stuff fully ready to go or even seemingly there at all. Little him hadn’t even had the idea to phase through anything at this point. It would figure it out relatively soon though because well… Benrey remembered this and what it had led to.

“Dude, that makes this worse. Why are we watching this?”

“’Cause you want to. Went all the way to the old facility hoping for the chance to. But uh… pay attention, it’s ‘bout to get good.”

X was getting fed up with the testing. Pain, even if it lasted only a second or two, wasn’t fun. It had also learned how to make teeth recently, defaulting to sharp because it was an easier shape to make fit together. The final straw came when the scientists decided to see what an electric current running through its body would do to it. Did it cause damage? If so, would it be immediately healed and then done again, creating a damage to healing loop? What did that feel like to X?

The scientists wouldn’t be getting answers to those questions though, not yet anyway, as, as soon as they started, X yanked away, slipping out of the scientist holding its’ grasp. It then jumped – more like slid because, barely humanoid, it was still rather blob like, especially its lower half – off the table. “No more. I’m done.” There wasn’t much emotion in its voice, speaking taking more effort back then meant the tone was more controlled, but Benrey remembered being mad. The experimenting had been going on long enough already and the electricity had hurt more than anything he’d encountered before.

“We’re not done yet.” The scientist bent down to pick X back up. As she reached for it though it lunged forward to bite her hard it as possibly could. Her entire hand and part of her forearm in its mouth, she screamed as she yanked back, dragging X along with her, blood gushing out around its mouth.

Gordon paused the video. “Is this uh… the thing you told me about?”

“Yep. My earliest memory.” At the time of sharing it anyway, now a few earlier ones had been jogged back into his mind.

“Um… if that’s the case, we know how it ends so we should skip it.” He reached for the mouse again but Benrey leaned over him to grab it instead.

“Nah, it’s funny, you’ll see. I’m hurting her ‘cause she deserves it so it’s funny. She quits ‘cause of this, it’s great.” He pressed play on the video and as he pulled back, he grabbed the chair and rolled it a little further away from the desk. Far enough back that Gordon couldn’t reach the mouse without getting up. He would see that he’d been wrong the whole time and that it wasn’t a big deal. Benrey couldn’t be permanently hurt and thus it didn’t matter. And even if he’d still been figuring out how to stop the pain from happening in the first place back then, it still hadn’t lasted long. The damage certainly hadn't. And death was just a brief nothingness, only a little different from dreamless sleep, before waking up to being perfectly okay. So this whole sequence wasn’t a huge issue, neither was anything else they’d done to him. He was fine.

On screen, the scientist – Benrey didn’t recall her name even after Gordon had read it not long ago – collected herself rather quickly. “Let go right fucking now.” At the time Benrey had only heard the projected anger in her voice. Now though, more familiar with emotions and the ways they effected humans’ voices – even if he was still not great at it, he knew better what to listen for now – the quaver in her voice was impossible to miss. She was frightened and in pain; distressed.

X didn’t let go. It was still boiling with the still somewhat new feeling of anger. And the blood tasted good. Not as good as soap but it was a taste Benrey had always enjoyed.

The scientist stood, wincing as X’s weight dangled at the end of her arm. She turned her glare on something past the camera. “Don’t just stand there, get this thing off me.”

There was a scuffle before the scientist manning the camera rushed out to try to pull X off her arm, making her yelp in pain for a moment before reigning herself in. He then set X on the table again to try to pry its jaws off her arm. Futile efforts all around; X was too smooth, soft, and slippery to get a good grip on.

The harder the two of them tried to make it let go, the less X wanted to. Not that there was any visual evidence of that but Benrey remembered it. They were getting more and more flustered, freaked out, panicking, especially the bite victim. His first taste of being a disturbance and causing problems; a pivotal moment in his life.

“See? It’s funny,” he said to Gordon.

“I don’t know, man. She deserves it, sure but… you sure you wanna watch to the end?”

“Yes.” Because it was all fun and funny. Nothing to feel bad for him over. He was fine.

Eventually the two of them brought a third guy in to help. It was his idea to start inflicting pain. Just a little at first, pricking with the scalpel, drawing out a drop or two of blood before it healed. And then stabbing and cutting, trying to cause enough pain got make it let go. Hitting it with a hammer was proposed but immediately denied; bite victim’s hand was too deep inside it to not take damage form such a move too.

Third guy then pulled out a proper knife to try through the teeth. Another failure, they weren’t real bone but they sure were hard. He switched to trying to cut around them instead. Too slow though, especially with how careful he was not to hurt bite victim. The wound closed up behind the knife long before it could get all the way around

X stayed silent throughout, outwardly only betraying its pain through closing its eyes tighter and tighter as it bit down even harder. If it focused, it could block the pain without feeling it but it for even a moment but it was hard to focus after it had failed to even once.

When it did finally make a noise it was too muffled by the arm in its mouth to be audible. Benrey couldn’t recall exactly what it was trying to say but did know it was trying to let go now and attempting to say so. Its teeth were stuck bite victim’s bone though; it couldn’t. It was running out of juice and wanted the pain to stop.

The fear had been a bitter stark contrast to the earlier anger and feelings of victory. Even now, remembering it, made him tense up, his teeth growing longer and sharper as if he were about to starting biting something too. It was a feeling he shouldn’t be able to feel because he couldn’t be hurt in anyway that mattered. He’d been weaker back then though, softer and less capable. They’d been hurting him. The damage healed a second later, banishing the pain as well but the knife kept going, trying to go fast enough around to cut the hand free because he couldn’t let go. Teeth were bones and bones were hard, making them, dissolving them, if he’d even been able to think clear enough to remember to try back then which well, maybe he hadn’t. He couldn’t let go and so they’d kept hurting him.

The camera scientist returned with another long sharp knife and started helping. Bite victim’s composure was lost now, she was sobbing with pain. She had sharp teeth lodged into her forearm bone after all.

Benrey had always had a limit to how much he could heal at once before the blood flow stopped and he died. These days, even at his weakest, it was a lot – on Xen with all the passports feeding him, there’d been a moment when he’d thought he might be impossible to kill – back then though, it hadn’t been much. Not long after the second knife cutting into him too, little X reached it.

Upon death, it stopped bleeding and thus stopped healing. And thus bite victim’s arm was soon free at last. Sobbing and panting for breath she retreated. Stumbling over, she pressed her back against the wall, sliding down it. She held her injured out out in front of her, X’s blood had healed it but its teeth were still lodged in it. “Help me with this.”

Neither of the other scientists even looked at her. They were focused on the sliced up blob of X on the table. Only one of their faces was visible, it was locked in a grimace. “I think uh… we may have learned something entirely different from this experiment than intended.”

“Yeah that the fucking thing is violent and an evil piece of shit.”

“That too,” camera man said, “but also uh… there’s a limit on its healing. I think its dead.”

“Fuck, shit,” other guy said.

Camera man turned back and hurried over to the camera, stepping around behind it again. “I’m sure we can--” The video ended.

“There, we watched the whole thing.” Gordon’s voice had that familiar quaver in it. He was upset. Angry? … Maybe. It was hard to tell, more so than usual, but probably, right? “Are you satisfied?”

No, Benrey wasn’t satisfied. It had been worse than he’d remembered. Not funny at all. His teeth were still sharp, digging into his gums as he clutched the top of the office chair. There was a tight band wrapped around his chest, making it hard to breath.

Gordon tried to swivel the chair but Benrey’s grip on it wouldn’t let him. He stood instead, turning to face him as he did so. “Benrey?” What expression he was making, Benrey couldn’t see as he set his gaze on the floor. His tone was just as unreadable. “Are you okay?”

Benrey lifted his hands to press to the side of his head, clutching it. “You were right.” His voice sounded raspy and rough even to himself. “My life sucks.” They’d done stuff like that to him over and over. He told them to stop but they never listened. They didn’t care. No one ever had.

Stepping closer, Gordon pushed the chair aside. He lifted a hand, almost touching Benrey’s shoulder but stopped. “What do need from me? How can I help?”

What was he even talking about? Help Benrey with what? None of it made sense. Benrey was about to explode or scream or something! He dug his fingers into his scalp, forming claws and drawing blood. Blocking the pain came instinctively now, easier to do than not to because he’d gotten really damn good at it. Before he could turn it off…

Gordon grabbed his wrist, pulling it away from his head. The other, he pushed with his gun hand. “Whoa, hey, let’s not do that. I know you can heal and stuff but… please don’t do that to yourself, okay?”

Benrey could resist and do it anyway. Gordon was still holding his wrist but his grip was gentle and by default Benrey’s other hand was basically free. Gordon couldn’t hold both his hands no matter how hard he tried because he had only the one.

“Look I… I’m trying to help but I really don’t know how. My instinct is to do what you do for me when you’re comforting me after a nightmare but… I can’t sing a sweet voice for you and I don’t know if you wanna be touched or… or if you want me to just sit next to you and talk or be silent or… I don’t know. Please help me help you… if you can.”

Benrey finally looked up at his face. His expression was just as unreadable as his tone. Neither of which should be right now, he was very expressive, Benrey was just in a weird, horrible head space, making it hard to think because the pressure was too much. He needed scream. Attempting to take a breath to do so failed; the band around his chest was too tight. Instead he forced out a, “Touch. You’re warm.” What Gordon was trying to ask his help with he had no idea but being touched more did sound nice.

Apparently waiting for that, Gordon stepped closer to gently pulling him into a hug. He was warm and soft and wonderful. Benrey pressed into him, balling his hands into fists in the back his shirt. Instead of screaming he made an entirely different kind of sound, one he’d never heard himself make before. He’d heard other people make it though in video games, movies, and even in real life a few times. So he knew what it was, hearing it from himself was weird though.

“It’s okay,” Gordon whispered, rubbing his back. It felt really nice but somehow made Benrey cry harder anyway.

Turns out another advantage of being short was how easy it was to press his face in Gordon’s chest as he sobbed into it. It was stupid, lame, and dumb but he couldn’t stop now that he’d started. Didn’t even really want to.

He cried and cried as Gordon rubbed his back and murmured sweet assurances to him. None of his words really meant much, it was just beautiful background noise to cut against the wretched sounds Benrey made.

Eventually, after what felt like hours but might’ve been only a few minutes for all he knew, his sobbing and tears slowed and then petered to stop. Leaving him feeling wrung out like a dishrag or more like a spring that had been wound too tight but had finally be allowed to release all that tension but was now malformed with it. The pressure from his chest and mind was gone, making it possible to think again.

He shifted in Gordon’s arms. Not trying to escape, just enough to allow himself to look around a little, take stock of the room. Somehow unnoticed Gordon had moved them to sit on the couch, Benrey curled up in his lap, pressed to his chest. At Benrey’s movement…

“Feel better?” Gordon’s voice was still barely above a whisper.

“Yeah.” Even though Benrey should’ve never felt that bad in the first place. If he’d had it his way he would’ve continued to never confront that moment properly or any of the other bad ones. Of course that would’ve meant Black Mesa would’ve eventually found those records instead but they might’ve just kept them and never looked at them. “It’s your fault.”

“What is?”

“It. You’re making me feel things I’m not supposed to.” Whatever that feeling had been exactly, it had sucked! Horrible and awful, it was kind of feeling best avoided at all costs. But Gordon and Benrey’s feelings for him had ultimately lead him to it

“I uh… I’m sorry. I don’t think there are really things you’re suppose to feel or not feel though. You just feel how you feel and there’s no supposed to or not about it. Still though… sorry about making you see that.”

Benrey could just let him feel bad and take all the blame because they never would’ve ended up here if not for his nosiness so it was his fault. Watching the whole video had been solely Benrey’s decisions though, Gordon had tried to skip it the moment he’d found out what it was. “Nah, I made you watch it. So my fault too.” In trying to prove it was fine to Gordon, he’d instead proved Gordon right in that it wasn’t fine. Nothing about it was fine.

Despite that, he still wasn’t as annoyed with or mad at Gordon as he should be for being so disruptive, making him confront things he didn’t need or want to confront. He was warm and soft, holding Benrey close still even though he was done crying. The tears soaked in this shirt didn’t seem to bother him either

“Either way I think uh… we’re done for at least today, huh? Maybe just in general?”

“For today. Finish it tomorrow.” To make sure Gordon got as many of his science questions involving Benrey answered. So that the temptation to know more couldn’t be fulfilled with a long strung out series of him sneaking to view the files more. He’d then have to either respect Benrey’s request to not be studied any further or wouldn’t. Of course if it was the former, he could change his mind later down the line but for as long as he didn’t, Benrey would know for sure he mattered more as a person to him than an experiment. He’d enjoy that for however long it lasted.

Gordon sighed. “Okay. Whatever you wanna do. For now uh… wanna get something to eat then play games ‘til its time for bed?”

“Do I get to get back in your lap when we play?” Feeling better didn’t meant he felt good or normal. Comfort wasn’t something he should need but well, Gordon arms around him were really nice.

“Yeah, if you want to.”

“Okay then, I guess.”

~

Next Chapter

[liauditore]

LIAU MY BELOVED

ask game question

Jimmy x Martyn

:D

romeo asking for mirror birds in MY ask box?!!?!??!?!?! (i know u pref mirror birds but solidwood is too funny im so sorry)

ah yeah. these losers.

see, a lot of my thoughts surrounding these two would kind of spoil my own AU that i never make stuff for so im usually somewhat hesitant to talk about them but basically., (toxic!fh mention)

post-evo divorced property police is so real. ive always imagined it as a childhood friends situation, with martyn being a bit older than jimmy.

they probably caught feelings for eachother fairly late and already well into teenhood but neither of them were really sure what it was (this is maybe going a little bit into sexuality hc territory but ive always imagined jimmy as whatever the male equivalent of a useless lesbian is and martyns biphobic towards himself lmao).

i touched on this briefly in that one fic i wrote but i've always headcanoned martyn as being somewhat parentified and thus ties his worthiness to be loved into his ability to perform acts of service for someone rather than just.. existing and letting himself be loved.

so as jimmy became more independent, martyn becomes a bit more insecure about their friendship. this becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy as he distances himself from jimmy, feeling like jimmy wouldn't love him if he didn't Need him, and jimmy in return feels confused and hurt as he helplessly watches someone he knew all his life drift away.

that + jimmy has this not-so-subtle crush on scott that martyn's always suspected. he's a jealous bitch.

The storm formed after a final sip, my fingertips frozen solid, I pretend that again I can see, you past the rails, ready to meet And I wonder is it too much to ask, to once more, hold you warm in my hands? To accept I can’t forget, and embrace what still fails to fade?

Milk Tea (Oktavia's translyrics) (because I wasn't kidding when I said these two were cheesy yuri to me lmao)

we had a clown to clown communication moment i think cus I also love the idea of them splitting up and meeting in Third Life years and years later (altho i like to imagine it as more of a voluntary separation).

some stuff copy+pasted from that cursed shipping doc i mentioned awhile back: ((scott + jimmy became a thing while martyn was gone pre-3L))

Now reuniting in 3L as fully grown adults after years apart, all those suppressed emotions come bubbling back up to the surface. An adult Martyn is much less unsure about what he's feeling and Jimmy still has those fantasies of what could have been playing on loop in his head. Of course, Jimmy is still attached to Scott and can't abandon his Bethrothed. He loves and knows what's best for him, he would sooner die than forsake his loyalty. But it does hurt when he hits him. Martyn still cares for Jimmy deeply, whether he wants to or not. He takes the time to keep an eye out for him, even though they had no real reason to interact anymore. He becomes one of the only people to realise what Scott was like with him, how devoid of love it all was. He throws out a line, offers to help him run away. Jimmy refuses. Betrayal. A second time. For the same man. Who cares about Jimmy anyway? (he always did take me for granted)

(a little note here before anyone sets me on fire - time works a bit differently in my writing and the players don't have exact ages but jimmy and martyn's age gap is probably not as dramatic as their cc counterparts)

(it's still there but neither of them even recognise their feelings as remotely romantic until they reunite as adults, as kids it's all just them being silly and having grade school drama with each other)

So uh yeah lots of mutual pining and suppressed feelings and puppy love turned angst👍 tis all i shall say cus i wanna make art of the rest lol

Just a second to lessen the ache, or minute to kiss it away I’d give all I have for the chance to go back to youth and you