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nbkuhn · 4 months

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The Siren's Lover, Ch. 6

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Chapter 5

When Friday rolled around, Finch told him to head over to his workroom whenever he was free, but the idea made Matty nervous, and the circuit he took around campus to work off his excess energy did no good. The change itched beneath his skin, so bad he almost gave in and wore his wings out. Almost.

He would be visiting Finch's apartment. They would be alone together, in private, and he was going to shift. Since meeting Finch, he’d already learned so many new things about himself. He was afraid of what he might discover when he shook off his feathers and claws and looked at Finch with fresh eyes.

Still, after twenty minutes of aimless wandering, he called himself a coward and headed to Finch's workroom. The sign was flipped over to the artist is in, and yet Matty felt like knocking. He kept waiting for an art student to stop him and demand to know what he was doing here.

Before he could psyche himself out any more, he turned the knob, opening the door carefully. The right choice, since a few students were spread out on the floor, collaborating on one enormous piece of paper. "Oh, sorry—"

"You're okay." Lee lifted his head to smile at Matty. Despite himself, he smiled back, thinking of Josh’s crisis the other day. They would be cute together. "We're the ones on the floor." He and the others scooted the paper out of reach of the door track.

Matty needed a moment to locate Finch. Everything had been rearranged to make room for an enormous canvas, painted in various shades of dark blue and green. Some kind of oceanscape. Finch was carefully adding texture and dimension with a brush, building up layers of paint to create a 3D effect. "Matthias, good. I'm almost finished."

Trying to live up to his full name, Matty fought back a blush. "I'm not interrupting?"

"The door wouldn't be open if you were," said all three of the students on the floor in unison, and Lee curled up in helpless laughter.

Finch glanced over his shoulder with a fond smile. "At this rate, I won't have to show up. You three will be able to teach the class for me."

"Ooh, Dr. Caldwell would have a fit," said one of the girls, tucking a stray strand of dark hair behind her ear. "Could you imagine?"

"Please don't antagonize Dr. Caldwell. He signs my paychecks."

The dark-haired girl only whispered in Lee's ear instead, making the two of them snicker.

A twist of jealousy settled in Matty's gut. He used to be that way with Ruby, always in trouble because the two of them could never resist egging each other on. Swallowing it down before it made him depressed, he picked his way around the edge of the room. "Do you need to keep working?" He tried to keep his voice down, but he could feel the students pretending not to watch.

Holding his paintbrush in his teeth, Finch swiped his thumb across the canvas instead, improving the mark he'd made. "This has to dry. I really need to stop fussing with it." Still, he made one more swipe, then tutted and deliberately turned to face Matty instead. "Could I ask you a favor before we go, though?"

"You're already asking me a favor. I'm gonna lose track of how much you owe me at this point."

“I’ll remember for you. It really is quite a list.” Chuckling, Finch walked over to the sink in the corner to rinse his hands and his brushes. "I wanted to hang something from the ceiling, but I can't quite reach, and you're taller."

Matty folded his arms. "Well, it took you two weeks."

Finch cocked his head. "What did?"

"'Oh, Matty, I just can't reach, do you mind?'" Finch still seemed baffled. "To ask me to fly, I mean."

Finch blinked, then glanced at the three students, working on their drawing again. He’d never seemed unsettled before. "No, I didn't mean—there's a ladder in the corner. And I am short."

"It's okay. I was kidding." Matty held up his hands. "What do you need me to hang up?"

Finch bit his lip, sharp teeth sinking into soft flesh. "Well—as long as you honestly don't mind. I can tell them to go, if you want."

Before Finch could fret, Matty shrugged off his backpack. Under his sleeveless hoodie, he wore a tank top with a low back, built for letting his wings out. He pulled his hoodie over his head and flexed his shoulders.

Releasing his wings at last, even in front of other people, was like working a cramp out of his legs. Like sinking into an ice bath after an intense weight session. Like the first taste of water after a long run. They flowed out from his shoulder blades, golden and halfway to his thighs. And he didn't even wonder if the students were staring at him because Finch was staring, his eyes moving over the golden feathers with something close to awe.

So close to shifting, Matty wanted to turn and preen, to show off, to answer the appreciation he saw in Finch’s eyes by giving him something worth staring at.

"Well. I suppose we won't need the ladder." Finch’s voice was faint. "Uh—they're over here." Managing to tear his eyes from Matty’s wings, he led Matty to a pile of chains made from glittery paper, interspersed with longer strands of paper and string. "There's hooks." He lifted one up to show Matty. "And you should be able to hang them from the lights." He pointed up at the ceiling, to bulbs connected by thick metal bars.

"Ah, I get it. Do you want them all on the same one, or...?"

Expression drifting away from amazement toward contemplation, Finch chewed on one of his sharp black nails. "I'm... not sure. I don't know if I want a single curtain or a forest."

"If you want me to rearrange anything, just let me know."

"So obliging," Finch said, in something closer to his ordinary tone. “You’ll spoil me, Matthias.”

Matty gathered the hooks, careful not to tangle the strands together, and took off. One of the students gasped, but Matty barely heard it, too relieved to finally, finally leave the ground behind. He should have done this days ago. Everything made so much more sense in the sky.

He looped the hooks over the light fixture Finch had indicated, spacing them a few inches apart so they wouldn't tangle, then turned to look down. Finch flashed him a thumbs-up, so Matty reluctantly returned to the ground. Maybe he could get some more air time in at the climbing wall. It wasn't safe outside, but the high ceiling of the gym gave him a little freedom. He was tired of hiding himself away. Let people stare if they wanted to.

"So what is it?" Matty cocked his head.

Finch opened his mouth, a peculiar expression on his face, and one of the students giggled. Matty glanced over his shoulder. They were all still gawking at him, but it felt less burdensome than usual. "Rookie mistake," said the dark-haired girl.

"What do you see?" said all three students in unison.

Despite his clear amusement, Finch clucked. "If you three keep this up, I'm going to worry I've become predictable." He folded his arms across his chest and looked back at Matty. "So. What do you see?" He paused. "Actually, stand here."

He gripped Matty's shoulders—Matty almost twitched away, tail swishing out even if he did manage to keep his wings from flaring—and moved him over a few feet to the left, so the strands dangled down in front of his enormous ocean painting.

Matty swallowed, erasing the brief feeling of Finch's hands on him. Then he looked at the hangings.

From this angle, the ocean painting dominated the space, a wall of swirling blue. And the hangings twirled gently of their own accord, reacting to the air currents moving through the room. If he squinted, the sparkles became light shining off the surface of the ocean, but not as seen from above.

"Oh, is it supposed to be underwater?" Finch seemed so pleased Matty didn't even feel ridiculous for the inane question.

"Well, it is a perception exercise. You land dwellers think about the sea so strangely. This," he gestured at the strands, still gently rotating, "this is what I know of the sea."

"Wow," said Matty, because he couldn't think of anything else to say. But Finch's smile widened.

***

For the walk to Finch’s place, Matty did have to put his wings away, since he didn't feel like carrying his backpack the whole way home. But he left off his sleeveless hoodie, and the canvas rubbing against the bare skin of his back reminded him he was only hiding temporarily.

It wasn't a particularly long journey. Finch lived in the professors' district, on the opposite side of town from the frat houses and overcrowded student apartments. Here, no beer cans littered any lawns, and everything was neat and orderly. Finch's place was exactly the sort Matty had pictured: small, cozy, red brick and white shutters, with an all-weather porch out front.

Finch took his mail from the box, then unlocked the door. The end table by the door where Finch hung his keys and put away his mail was old and battered, but Finch had hung up little pieces of himself everywhere: pictures of his sisters, his mother, photos cut out from magazines with no discernible theme, and a variety of abstract paintings, ranging in size from the breadth of Matty's palm to large enough to take up the entire main wall of the living room. His black string backpack sat by the door, ready for a trip to the beach.

"Maybe this is awkward of me to say, but maybe it isn't," said Finch absently, skimming a letter. "Either way, you can hold yourself here however you prefer."

"Huh?" Matty tore his eyes away from another shot of Finch's whole family.

Finch met his eyes, and Matty bit the inside of his cheek. They were so close together in the entranceway. Either of them could close the distance separating them in less than a step. Finch's hand could settle flat on his chest; Matty's back could hit the wall. They could kiss after barely moving at all.

Ah, shit.

If Finch picked up on Matty's sudden flare of want, he didn't show it. "You seemed... well, shifting was obviously more comfortable for you, though I understand why you don't do it out in the wider world. There's a reason I take my swims at the crack of dawn, even though I would really prefer to spend my morning in bed. But you’re safe here."

Matty shivered watching Finch's mouth form the word bed. "Oh. Yeah, that would be... good. I usually keep everything all tucked away even at home.”

The little house wasn't open-plan like so many of the apartments around here: the living room was neatly partitioned off from the entryway, and the kitchen was tucked away from the living room. Still, somehow, it felt spacious. In the living room, the walls were bare but for the paintings, revealing the soft sea-green paint. There was no furniture, only stacks of books and piles of blankets and cushions scattered around the thick black carpet.

"You can set your things anywhere." Finch was halfway into the kitchen already. "As you can see, I'm not particularly attached to keeping anything in its place. The human world requires so much organization already. I don't feel like keeping it around anywhere else."

Matty, who thought of himself as a fastidious person, should have been irritated. But the idea of simply curling up on the floor, reaching for a blanket and a book, was charming, at least when he could picture doing it with Finch beside him.

Then again, for once, he would get to stretch out his wings when he shifted, flex his claws, arch his back. He wouldn't be confined to one little room like a creature at the zoo. He'd be stuck indoors, maybe, but he already knew the colors of this room would appeal to him once he changed.

Speaking of which. He rolled out his shoulders, and his wings came with the motion. The change felt even better here in private, where only Finch could look, though he'd left Matty completely behind at this point.

"I know it's what I invited you over for," said Finch, "but if you don't want to—"

"Finch." Matty interrupted him for the first time, surprised at the certain, fearless tone of his own voice. "I want to." He paused, glancing at the floor. "Just—go out of the room for a few minutes? Most people don't like watching." Finch appeared as though he was going to ask to observe anyway, and Matty blushed. "And. Uh. I have to strip. I'd change in the bathroom, but I can't open doors after. No thumbs."

Finch's cheeks turned a darker shade of teal, an unmistakable blush, and the sight soothed Matty, reminding him of the way Finch gaped at the sight of his wings, the breaths between them when they almost kissed the other day. Finch felt the heaviness in the air too. Matty just needed to be brave enough to take advantage of it. "Oh, of course. I'll—I'll be in my bedroom. Can you knock, or..."

"Give me ten minutes." Shifting took an instant, but a few minutes alone would help Matty get his head on straight.

Dark flush spreading across his cheeks and down his neck, Finch nodded. "Ten minutes." He headed down the hallway, opening the first door and disappearing inside.

Once the door shut, Matty sank to the ground, digging his fingers into his scalp. He couldn't tell if he was freaking out. Maybe he was freaking out about not freaking out, which would be a new one. So little was worth getting worked up about anymore, especially since Ruby stopped talking to him.

But Finch was. Even though he knew it couldn’t go anywhere, he was still so scared of fucking this up. He’d never felt like this before.

At least shifting would remove the need to kiss Finch for a while. But it would be there waiting when he changed back. His other form offered a break from the human world, but it wasn't permanent. He was always part one thing and part the other. And shifting made the world seem simpler—clear scent trails and air currents—but in this case, simple was bad. Then nothing would be left in his mind besides his desire, already crowding out rational thought.

***

Finch meant to spend his ten minutes organizing his materials, but instead, he found himself hovering by the door. His mind presented him with the same image again and again: wings appearing from nowhere, gleaming against Matthias’s back like beacons. The smile on his face when he saw Finch gawking.

Better that than think about Matthias stripping off his clothes, Finch supposed, or daydream about the muscles hiding beneath the thin fabric of his tank top.

After an eternity, enough time passed, and Finch emerged from his room. He opened the door slowly, in case Matthias was not finished shifting, but then he spotted the creature in his living room, and all his hesitation fell away. "Oh," Finch breathed, stepping into the living room. "Aren't you glorious."

Matthias in his griffin form was four feet tall at the shoulder, seated with his tail curled around his haunches like a housecat. His eagle’s front half melted seamlessly into his lion haunches, the change from fur to feathers impossible to spot at a distance. His wings were no less beautiful folded against his back. The feathers on his eagle’s half were all the same bright gold as his eyes; his lion parts were a tawny yellow. As Finch approached, Matthias tilted his head this way and that, keeping one eye fixed on Finch like a spotlight. The intelligence in them was not quite human, but he wasn’t simply a beast in this form either.

A few feet away, Finch went to one knee, inspecting Matthias. He would have been happy to sit there the entire day, if he didn’t know he had invited Matthias for a real reason. His smile turned rueful. "I didn't think this through very well. I always do this to myself," he muttered, fingers worrying the hem of his tank top. "Well, if I show you some things, can you describe what it was like when you change back?"

Matthias nodded, the motion awkward like a trained dog standing on his hind legs. The long talons on his front feet dug into the carpet.

"Great. I will fetch what I wanted to show you, because for some reason I didn't bring it with me." Cursing himself under his breath, Finch disappeared into his bedroom. This was not merely a pretense to spend more time with Matthias, and he needed to act like it instead of mooning over him like a child.

He returned carrying a few canvases, repeating the process until seven of them were lined up against the wall. As he moved in and out, Matthias nosed at the things on the floor, nudging aside blankets and rubbing the sides of his beak against the pillows. When Finch settled, though, Matthias turned to face him again, his tail flicking back and forth the same way it did in his human skin. "Take a look. And then I wanted to play you a couple of recordings. Is that all right?"

Matthias marched over to stand right next to him, which Finch took for a yes. Four of the paintings featured optical illusions, which did not seem to interets Matthias at all. The other four made him cock his head and tilt it this way and that, inspecting them more closely. Could he see the blacklight paint layered over the base color? Finch hoped he would remember.

When Matthias had studied the paintings to his satisfaction, he turned to face Finch. Finch had expected more difficulty communicating, but there was no misunderstanding this pose. "Satisfied?"

Matthias nodded. Finch wasn’t sure if the gesture was honestly impatient or if Matthias’s sharp beak and sharper focus made his feelings easy to misread.

Finch turned to his laptop. "Good. I'll play you bits of these—I haven't decided which I'm going to use, or even if I'm going to use them at all, but I'd rather have more information than ask you twice. I can’t just sit around admiring you all day, as much as I would like to." Tongue poking out between his teeth, he scrolled through files his laptop. "Ah. Here we go."

Whale song echoed through the speakers, familiar to Finch as the sound of his mother’s voice. The sound made him sigh with nostalgia, though the tinge of regret was different. Usually, any reminder of home made him wish he were back beneath the waves, safe in the arms of Mother Ocean. Now, though, he could only wonder how many land sounds he would never hear—the music he would never listen to, the voices that would never greet him.

Matthias, for his part, stretched out on the ground and rested his head on his forepaws, angling his skull to direct the sound toward his earholes.

"I can't tell if you like it." Finch rubbed his jaw. "I guess your enjoyment doesn't particularly matter, but still. Here's another."

He opened a track of dolphin whistles. Finch thought they were bright and jaunty, but Matthias immediately recoiled, trying to claw at his ears.

Finch paused it. "I suppose you did like the other one because you clearly did not like that. Sorry. One more."

He hadn’t been certain he would play this one at all. But he wanted to make up for the way he had startled Matthias, so he chose the next track and let his mother’s voice pour from the speakers. She was only humming, but the sound was still so flat and awful Finch had to bite back a sigh. He could only bear to listen to a few bars before his throat tightened.

When he paused it, though, Matthias raised his head with a sharp whistle.

"You want to hear it?" Matthias dipped his head in a nod, and Finch hesitated. Then he let the song play through, watching the waveform on the screen. His mother’s voice should have been enough beauty to fill his world. Asking for more was inconsiderate.

When the song finished, Finch put his laptop to sleep. He had batted around the idea of other sounds, but he found himself moping, and that helped no one. Better to stop and let Matthias go. “That's all I wanted to ask you for. Let me put this back." He replaced his laptop. When he returned for the paintings, he paused.

Matthias had spread one wing, moving his beak through the feathers with intense concentration. When he noticed Finch, he folded his wing against his back again and cocked his head, watching Finch with one luminous golden eye.

Finch dropped to one knee, moving closer. Matthias went still, only the tip of his tail flicking, staring at Finch as if contemplating whether to bite. "Can I—" Finch held out one hand, palm out.

Without hesitation, Matthias pressed his head into it, closing his eyes as Finch's fingers brushed over his feathers, tracing the line of his skull beneath the fluff. He had never touched a bird before; he hadn’t thought the feathers would be like velvet beneath his fingers.

"Soft," Finch whispered. His fingers stilled on the side of Matthias's neck, and Matthias shoved his head harder against Finch's hand, demanding more attention. "You're awfully bossy like this. That’s good. You could do with being a little more assertive."

Carefully, in case he was being too familiar, Finch trailed his fingers down Matthias’s neck to the joint of his wings, powerful and thick. Matthias turned to give Finch better access, claws digging into the carpet. A deep noise rumbled out of his chest—a purr.

Finch drew back in surprise, feeling strangely shy. It was one thing to enjoy it himself and another to realize Matthias wanted it too. "I'll let you change back—I won’t keep you too late."

He fled to his study. When he closed the door, he leaned against it, his heart beating hard. Matthias was another wonder Finch would never get to properly explore. He always managed to surprise Finch, no matter what they talked about or where they went. He would have liked a life full of those surprises. He wouldn’t get it. All he had was this little stretch of time. But maybe that meant he should seize what chances he had instead of hemming and hawing about them. He wanted to stay on land, but what if he didn’t get that chance? Did he really want to return to the ocean with so many regrets? Or did he want to lay one, at least, to rest?

#writeblr #monster romance #lugosi falls #queer romance #the siren's lover

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ffc1cb · 2 years

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hello! I love your art and im wondering what app you use and what pens do you use on that app? :dD

hi! first of all, thank you :) i'm glad you enjoy my art. sorry it took me so long to answer, but here it is, as detailed as i could make it

what program:

i've been using autodesk sketchbook (for drawing) & paint tool sai 2 (for filters, cropping, etc) for several years. i'm very very fond of sketchbook and i believe it to be the best entry program for beginners (and especially people who are moving from traditional to digital art, since the majority of the brushes available for AS are imitations of traditional tools. it even has a library of copic colors!) due to its simple and intuitive interface. this is both its biggest advantage and flaw: while the brush catalog is quite big and you can play with the settings a lot, there aren't that many features you can use as opposed to something like clip studio paint or even sai; it’s a very bare bones type of art program.

some things i personally find irritating (but have learned to work around) are the lack of image flipping function (instead i have to mirror the entire layer or canvas, which becomes troublesome on canvases with a lot of layers (although i assume it’s mostly due to my laptop being pretty old)), inability to have multiple canvases open at once, lack of clipping mask, somewhat clunky process of creating custom shaped brushes (nigh impossible to make an unbreaking string of a shape, e.g embroidery or lingerie), lack of water fringe function, clunky text & color adjustment editors, etc etc.

if you’ve previously used a more complex art program you might find sketchbook lacking in a lot of ways, but personally after years of usage i can safely say that it’s my favorite program i’ve ever worked with. i really love the overall simplicity of the interface (i’ve tried to switch to csp several times throughout the years but ended up being overwhelmed by the number of features), and i’m a big fan of AS’s selection tool. if you’ve never heard of sketchbook before, i urge you to give it a try! they provide a helpful manual on their site.

now, AS used to be free for all platforms (both pc and mobile), but iirc a couple years ago the program changed owners and the new company decided to remake the pc version as “autodesk pro” & charge $20 for it (although mobile is still free). which is fine i suppose since i hear that it’s being updated again (previous owners made it free in the first place because they essentially abandoned its development & stopped releasing updates). but i’m also a huge fan of piracy so here’s a .zip file of the version i downloaded when it was still available (it might be outdated, but at least its free! and if you decide that you like the program, you can always one-time-purchise it later from their official website). the archive contains the setup.exe as well as a folder containing all of the brushes i use in my art process (i’ll talk about them further below). if you ever find the link not working anymore feel free to send an ask or message me for a new one.

what brushes:

here are all of the brushes i use as seen on my toolbar. the majority of them are brushes that i made myself, which is why a lot of them have weird names; the ones that have numbers in the title are just me writing down previous value settings (usually for roundness, rotation & edge) so that i dont forget them after i inevitably tweak the settings again. don’t pay them much attention.

left column is basically decorative brushes. here they are from top to bottom:

right column is brushes that i actually draw with:

i specified what each one is used for just so you get the basic idea but in reality i pretty much use them interchangeably for literally anything i feel like at the time. i also tweak the settings a lot so the overall look fluctates pretty often.

the folder in the zip file i provided has the .skbrushes (sketchbook’s custom brush format) file for the entire set. here is a guide on how to upload custom brushes.

i think that’s all! if you have any more questions, feel free to ask. i promise i will reply faster this time, lol

#salt talks

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ketchupkio · 2 years

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Hi! I adore your art, it’s so beautiful, and was wondering how you draw heads/face shapes? No pressure to answer by the way. I just tend to struggle with getting the face shapes to look normal and was wondering how you start at least- again you don’t have to answer!

hi, thank you so much!! i use a pretty stylistic approach to faces (and my sketches are veeery rough lol) but it does have a base in knowing what structure is underneath the skin, so anatomy fundamentals will aaaalways help (and references if you're struggling with a pose). but with that said, i used Warriors as a guide for this and hopefully this answers your questions! everything under the cut.

Step 1

i start with a circle and the standard cross shape guidelines for the face on a layer with much lower opacity. the top of the circle is irrelevant and will get shaved down/refined later when i'm ready to do the hair, but i like having the full circle when i'm starting my sketch bc it just makes me feel better. if I'm trying to block out a full pose i'll usually sketch the jawline too, but i didn't this time. (note that if you're newer to drawing and not used to knowing where the face shapes go, you can use more lines! no shame in that, whatever works for you)

keeping in mind which side of the character's face will be more towards the viewer (primary side), i draw the basic shape of the eye first-- upper then lower lash line. repeat on the other side and adjust as needed by flipping your canvas, though i usually wait till later when i have more features on it to do the first flip and something looks wonky. i did a pretty decent job this time lol.

i usually use pretty short strokes when i draw because i use an ipad and i don't like to rest my hand on the screen. this was different when i used sai, i had a lot more continuous strokes then and rested my hand on the tablet, but the change in medium/program got me to do things differently. with smooth pens you're going to want to use longer strokes usually, but with fuzzier/textured pens i find you can get away with shorter pen strokes and just erasing.

Step 2

i add the irises and nose, then draw the beginning of the eyebrows and then go towards the outside of the face, indicated by the arrow. primary side first usually. the eyebrow closest to the nose should either touch or could hypothetically have a line touching the bridge. the length of the eyebrows is up to you, but usually natural eyebrows extend a little past the outer corner of the eye, so it just depends on your character. here i sketched the jawline too on the guideline layer. feel free to adjust proportions as needed.

Step 3

jawline! all my jawlines start with the same shapes, they just vary from sharper to rounder depending on the character. Wars has a slimmer, angular face with a strong jaw and chin, so his lines are usually pretty sharp and square. sometimes i put the jaw/neck/shoulders on a separate layer than the facial features, but it just depends. here they're on the same layer.

starting from the primary side, i draw one line down, then another line down on the secondary side. then i connect them to meet the chin, which should always fall in the middle of your face's centerline (or where you've put the centerline in your mind's eye bc my guidelines don't always stay accurate). i usually fiddle with the jaw a bit with the transform tools to make sure it's where i want it to be.

i've also added eyelid creases (the top, curved line is the approximate ridge for the eye socket, i just like doing that) but i'm not fussy about when i do that, i just did it here :shrug: imo eyelid creases help the viewer more clearly see the structure of the face and where things are supposed to be, but that's just the way i do it. and it's also to fill space lol

Step 4

mouth and ear(s)! i wait until after the jawline to draw the mouth just so i know how much room i have for the expression. if you're drawing a smile or something and you want it to be lopsided, the higher side should be your primary side, just trust me. when drawing the ears (or just singular ear in this case bc i wasn't feeling drawing a second one) i usually do SOOO MUCH warping and resizing. on a real person's face, the top of the ear lines up w the tail of the eyebrow and the bottom lines up w the tip of the nose. usually with my style, it ends up being the corner of the eye and the nose, but it's just depending on what looks right. poor wars' bad ear is on the primary side so he does not get the full long hylian ear. i cannot draw upturned hylian ears to save my gotdamn life.

i've also gone ahead and drawn the neck and a little bit of the trapezius muscle. y'all i BEG of you to look up how the neck muscles, tendons, and bones work bc they are so important, i think i reblogged a post about it a little while ago? or i at least saw one. everything is connected and all of the lines lead down to the divot of the collarbone. the back line of the neck should never be before the corner of the jaw and the tendon should lead up to that corner. very very very important. also the collarbones should point to the start of the deltoid muscles and that's important for posing, but i didn't draw that much for this. neck width varies depending on your character's build, so someone skinny would have a thinner neck than a chubby or muscular person.

i added the nose and cheekbone lines i always do in this step. i think they look nice and fill space well, and they can help indicate the angle/curve of the cheekbone when the face is more tilted. just my thing i've done forever tho! sometimes i wait until after i've done the hair to draw them so i know they can be seen (and i ended up moving them for this drawing bc i didn't wait vnkdsnl)

in preparation for the hair, i added a guide for the hairline and refined the shape of the skull to where i actually want it to be

MAKE SURE TO FLIP YOUR CANVAS TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING LOOKS RIGHT!

Step 5

hair! it's always on a separate layer for me, and that has to do with how i color too. i do the little floofy thing at the swirl of the hair first, at the back of the part, then i start the first line for the swoopy side of the hair (line 2), then the other side. i guess you could call it the major side (side w the most hair) and minor side (side w the least hair).

i usually use a lot of lines to indicate hair direction, but it just depends on your style. i'd recommend identifying the major shapes of your character's hairstyle and replicating those whenever you draw that person. so for wars, it's the big bump where his part starts on the major side, the top of the hair usually stays flat, and it waves out to the side. on the minor side his hair is shorter and flips out and there are waves and stuff in the back. what i didn't draw in this step that's an identifying feature is his sideburns, which curve inward, but that's next. warp tool is a godsend for hair.

Step 6

finish the hair! refining shapes, floofies, the back, you name it. it's all about filling in space and making sure the weight is right before you start erasing lines underneath it. i lower the opacity of the face line layer to make sure there's no weird/stray lines.

Step 7

add finishing details, erase lines, and you're done! at least with the lineart bit lol. if i know it's just going to be lines, i add scars here, but if i'm gonna color it, i leave scars and other face markings for the coloring stage. and that's it!

i hope this was informative lol. thank you anon for asking, i had fun doing this!

#replies #art tutorial #my art #not lu #kio talks #Draw with Kio

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primaverabutitalreadyexists · 2 years

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Prima you're so talented! The way you do lighting, coloring, shading and even how you draw that helps guide the viewer's eye onto a focus point is just beautiful.

Is there any tips/tricks/advices you could so graciously bestow onto others who are struggling?

If there was advice you could give your past self about drawing, what would it be and why?

Thank you in advance Prima, and as always, keep up the amazing work! :)

~With love <3

Thank you for the ask, and thank you for the compliment, you’re very sweet!

Im not the holder of the universal truth, so what I’m about to say is to take with a grain of salt, but here’s what’s working well with me and what I learnt:

I know this has become a joke among the art community, but I flip my canvas a lot lol. The eye tends to get used to the image it sees, so it’s getting harder to spot mistakes as you keep working on your piece.

Learning values!! From the moment I started working in grayscale, it made me realize how important it is to understand how values works, and how they will define your entire piece. Values are directly linked to the light, which is the most important part of a painting, it’s what will give your artwork « life » and its dynamic. Lighting is my first priority when I start something, I always choose a light source first and then I start the process. Learning how light works allows you to understand how it will affect and interact with its environment, how it reflects on some objects, and it helps a lot to construct an homogeneous piece. There are different types of lighting, with variable degree of intensity, and they will set the mood you chose for your piece.

When I start a sketch, I work with shapes first, I make a very messy line work and exaggerate curves instead of trying to make a perfect lineart first. The goal is to « catch » the dynamic of the pose, and to emphasis where the eye is supposed to focus on. It helps to get the proportions right as well.

Now tools speaking, I use Procreate, and I rely a lot on the liquify tool, to make minor changes on my shapes, the lasso tool is very useful to create sharp/smooth edges and for a lot of things actually, to work on some areas without touching their surroundings, the smudge tool, Gradient maps/color balance/curve/Hue settings are pretty uselful throughout all the process, I have no real advice for that, just tinker with it and see what fits you the most. And for the layer modes I use Multiply/Overlay mainly for the shades or to add colors to my grayscale thumbnail, and color dodge/screen/add for the ambiant light, vfx and rim light.

To my past self, I would tell to learn the theory alongside the practice. It’s a lot easier to understand how things work. To try everything, even if it might fail, even if it might take time to learn it. I think that’s the only real advice I can give, try again and again, do not feel discouraged by failure and if things become too overwhelming and if you start feeling you might never succeed in the task, just take a break, do something you know you’re good at, it will boost your self confidence and you will go back to the previous task with renewed confidence, and more willing to keep trying. Learning is a long process, we learn things throughout our entire life, so be patient, you have your whole existence to succeed. Do things at your own pace and even though it’s a completely human thing to do, try to not compare yourself with the others. They also had their hardships, and they also worked hard. Do not be afraid to get inspiration from them tho, we are all influenced by something or someone, so if you want to recreate something you saw, for your own learning process, there’s nothing wrong with it.

I hope this helped, I’m sorry if some things didn’t really make sense, I suck at explaining and at synthesizing. Have a wonderful day! ❤️

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skala · 3 years

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AvA Inktober: day 2

Creation. Despite the simplicity of the word, it seemed a foreign concept, antithetical to Chosen’s very being. He had been made for destruction. He had escaped through destruction, and returned only to destroy again. And then, when his own powers of destruction had failed him at last, another’s had saved his life. Creation, he mused. The opposite of all he had ever known.

Yet here he was: somehow, the sticks had convinced him to try his hand at drawing. Although Chosen had feigned disinterest at first, the curious side of him couldn’t help but be intrigued by the notion of making something himself. He was The Chosen One, after all. How hard could it be?

After a brief tour of the animation program, the sticks had left him to his own devices to explore, according to Second, its “infinite possibilities”. In the corner of the canvas, the orange stick figure had sketched a multicoloured flower, as if Chosen were a student who should copy his example. “Once you’ve drawn something yourself,” Second had told him, “I can show you how to animate! It’s actually kinda easy!”

Easy for him to say, perhaps. A daunting array of menus and submenus surrounded the canvas: frames, layers, tools and symbols that Chosen couldn’t name, others he had known only as weapons. He selected the brush, weighed it, examined it from every angle. It felt strange to hold the means of his own creation in his palm.

It felt powerful.

After a moment’s hesitation, Chosen reached out and drew a tentative line. He immediately regretted it. No, he thought, not powerful, wrong. Terrifying. And yet—

He stared at the crooked line with an unusual sense of wonder. It wasn’t really anything.

And yet—

Pushing his misgivings aside, Chosen increased the line width and drew another, then another; he lashed out in a flurry of criss-crossing strokes, darting back and forth across the page as he let his instincts guide him towards form, composition, beauty, art!

With a flourish, he stepped back and admired his masterpiece: a black, scribbly cloud.

The perfect flower beside it seemed to taunt him.

Chosen let his arms fall to his sides and let out a low sigh. What had he expected? Creation was not merely the inverse of destruction. Creation demanded delicacy, precision. Practice.

Perhaps he needed inspiration. Raising the paintbrush again, Chosen flipped through its preset colors: green, yellow, orange. And red.

Chosen’s breath caught in his throat. Bright red. Dark’s red.

Before he could stop himself, Chosen drew a stick figure.

It did look like Dark. If it weren’t for the pose, static and lifeless against a background of blank emptiness, Chosen might have believed The Dark Lord was really standing next to him. Climbing higher, Chosen sketched another Dark with his arms raised, wreathed in flame, poised to annihilate anyone who dared cross his path of devastation.

There. Chosen suppressed a grin. That was Dark.

The sound of footsteps brought Chosen back to his senses. Scrambling to erase his work, Chosen summoned a fireball and flung it at the canvas, deleting the incriminating drawings a mere moment before Second rounded the corner.

“Hey, Chosen!” Second glanced about himself with a confused expression. “You… haven’t drawn anything?” His eyes flicked down to the flower—too late, Chosen realized he had singed its petals.

“Chosen?” His voice held a note of concern. “Did you draw something?”

Chosen said nothing.

“Nah, it’s ok.” Second smiled, like he always did, so full of kindness and understanding. “I can imagine it feels weird, returning to a place like this. C'mon, let's get something to eat." Turning to leave, Second paused and looked back at Chosen. "Maybe later, we can come back here?”

“Yeah,” said Chosen, “maybe later.” And left creation behind.

#animator vs animation #sticktober #skala writes

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not-xpr-art · 3 years

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Art Advice #4 - A Beginner’s Guide to Digital Art

Hi all!

This weeks entry into my Art Advice tag, where I offer various advice for artists of any skill level, is about digital art! Now, I am by no means an expert at digital (I’ve been doing it for nearly 8 years at this point and that is almost entirely self taught), but I have picked up a few pointers in that time which will hopefully help anyone just starting out!

(this blogpost is a little over 2000 words long btw)

A Beginner’s Guide to Digital Art

I know that the world of digital art has changed drastically in the 8 odd years since I started, but I’d still say that some of the options I started out with will be just as good for anyone who’s starting out now!

As always, I’ll be splitting this into sections to make it easier for you to navigate this post!

Part 1 - Equipment/Hardware

There are a lot of drawing tablet options on the market at the moment, and I’m not going to pretend that I know anything about half of them lol. But I think for a beginner, don’t worry about going for the most expensive option, even if the reviews are really good or your favourite artist uses it, especially if it is way above your budget!

An important thing to know is that there are two types of tablet. One is the plug-in kind. These are essentially a pad which you plug into your laptop or computer and draw on that whilst looking at the screen (they basically work the same way as a plug in mouse works). The other kind is the screen variety, which is a lot more like what most of us know as ‘tablets’ nowadays. And you draw directly onto the screen.

(a plug-in vs on screen tablet, both from Wacom)

Now, as for choosing between these, it is honestly a personal choice. But I’d say if you’re just wanting to try digital and you’re on a budget, a plug-in tablet can be really useful since it gets you used to the mechanics of what digital is like, and they are often significantly cheaper than the screen alternatives. I would say that plug-in tablets are a big learning curve, especially if you’re used to doing traditional stuff, but I do know a lot of professional artists who still use this kind of tablet when doing their work, so if it’s something you can get used to I would definitely consider it! Also, they’re often a lot more portable than some screen tablets! The first one I had was a Huion (a model so old that I can’t even find a link to it now lol), and I also know that Wacom are a well known brand that do some decent plug-in tablet. I’d recommend you do your own research on other brands and options, though!

Screen tablets are often a lot more expensive, but if you’re used to traditional art, they are a lot easier to get a handle of! But I know if you already have something like an iPad, or other general use tablets, then they offer apps that you can use to draw on (as well as things like the Apple pen, or other stylus’). The big difference between using these general tablets and ones specifically designed for drawing is pretty much purely a personal choice. I personally prefer the bigger screen of my XP-Pen tablet, along with a special screen protector that removes the shininess of the tablet screen and makes it feel more like ‘paper’ over when I used a general use tablet it draw. But if you already have an iPad, or something similar, then it’s honestly a really great starting point!

I think it’s important for me to mention that you don’t need fancy equipment to be an artist. The incredible Elicia Donze has revealed countless times how she has very basic equipment but still manages to produce the most stunning artworks! All you really need is some kind of drawing apparatus and a lot of patience lol! Getting good at any kind of art takes a lot of time and effort, but I would definitely say it’s worth it when you’re able to look back at your progress!

Part 2 - Software/Drawing Programs

Much like with the hardware discussion, choosing which program to use is entirely down to personal preference. I personally have never really liked Photoshop purely because it’s really complicated, but I know so many artists swear by it.

I think the main aspect to consider when you’re starting out is whether you want to pay for a program. Software like Photoshop, Clip Studio Paint and Procreate are some of the popular ones I hear about a lot of people using, but all require you to purchase or subscribe to them. So if you’re young or on a very tight budget, I’d honestly recommend the free alternative versions of these, such as Krita (Krita is quite a large program, but it has a lot of really awesome features and is very similar to Photoshop!), Gimp (this one is similar to Krita, but has slightly less options, I’d honestly recommend Gimp for anyone who does photo editing though!) or FireAlpaca (this is the one I use, by the way and it’s a pretty simple program, but has a lot of fantastic features and is perfect for how I work!). These don’t have as many features as some of the paid alternatives, but I honestly think all you really need to start digital art is some kind of ‘canvas’ and set of brushes!

Another great free program for beginners I’d recommend is MyPaint, which is great for doodling and just getting used to how digital art feels in comparison to traditional! It also has a bunch of ‘traditional style’ brushes, to make it look like charcoal or watercolour (which I’m sure the paid alternatives have too, but it’s always better when it’s free, I find lol...)

(this is an example of a drawing I did on MyPaint using the ‘charcoal’ effect brush!)

Most of the sites are pretty self explanatory, with sections dedicated to different brushes (I’ll go into the types of brushes later on in this post btw!), adjusting brush size, shape and opacity, a colour wheel, etc. You also have a section dedicated to ‘layers’ (another thing I’ll go into more detail later), and various ‘filters’ and editing options and effects you can add to your work to make it more interesting!

I’d really just recommend playing around with programs until you find your one!

Part 3 - The Pros of Digital Art!

I realise this section should probably earlier in this blog post lol, but I kinda wanted to go into what digital art can achieve in comparison to traditional art, and how beginner artists can utilise this!

I definitely didn’t take advantage of certain aspects of digital art when I first got into it, and they’re things that would have definitely made my life a whole lot easier lol!

Digital art allows you to tweak drawings as you do them. So if you accidentally drew the eye too far to the right, then you can easily move it to the right place. (I usually do this by selecting whichever area is wrong, cutting it out and then pasting it into a new area... And yes, there is probably a better and quick way of doing this but...I haven’t found that way yet lol...). And I honestly think that this has allowed me to look a lot more at a reference image in order to figure out where I’ve gone wrong with a drawing! Whereas with traditional art, I usually spend so long trying to get an eye right, that even if it’s slightly in the wrong place, I don’t want to completely redo that section. Digital allows you to completely rub out sections without leaving indents, which is honestly such a saving grace!

Another pro of digital is the Undo/Ctrl Z function! This means you can easily go back to before you made a major mistake with just a click of Ctrl Z... Though I have to say that this function has honestly ruined traditional art for me... Oh what wouldn’t I give for a real life Ctrl Z... But yeah, this is a great part of digital art and definitely something you will grow to love lol!

Another great thing about digital is that it allows you to flip and turn a canvas as you’re drawing on it. I spent a lot of time trying to turn my tablet around in order to draw certain parts of a piece before I realised you can turn the canvas itself without having to move yourself or your tablet!

Layers are another part of digital that can be super useful, and I have to be honest but I don’t really use them a lot. I know a lot of artists create layers for every section of their artworks (so, one for the linework, one for colouring, a separate one for the background, etc etc...). And there’s something really great about being able to paint without worrying about smudging into a previous section of the painting. This works well for my work since I do a lot of bright backgrounds. I also often create a lot of ‘versions’ of my works, so it’s useful to be able to change the background without affecting the main figure of the piece! (I have to say that I often work in one big layer when I’m doing paintings, just because I like how it feels more like ‘traditional’ art that way, but layers are such a brilliant tool, and definitely something you should play around with!)

The eyedropper tool is another one that is really useful! Although I never colour pick from my reference photos, I know some artists find this useful when they were just starting out (especially if you’re not sure what colour to make shadows or how to mix skin tones, etc etc). The eyedropper basically means you don’t need to mix your colours every time

Part 4 - Just some other things I wish I had known about when I was starting out lol...

This last section is just dedicated to a few things that I would have liked to have known when I was just starting out all those years ago.

First one is fluffy/textured brushes!

I spent most of my art life from 2013 until 2016 using ‘round’ brushes which are notoriously hard to blend with, so I’d recommend either downloading some fluffy/textured brushes (DeviantArt was where I got mine from a few years back, but there are probably other places you can get them for free too!) to your program of choice, since most of the programs I’ve used haven’t had fluffy/textured brushes as pre-set.

I may make another post about how I blend in my artworks if that’s something people would be interested in?

(this is an example of textured brush blending vs round brush blending... I usually opt for round brushes for rougher blending styles and the textured brushes for more smooth and ‘realistic’ blending... for a lot of pieces, though, I use both brushes (the round brushes are good for details!) in the same way that you use different sized brushes for real paintings!)

The next thing I wish I’d discovered earlier is the Brush Stabiliser option. Some programs may do this automatically, but the one I use (FireAlpaca) requires you to manually change the amount of stabilising you have on your brush. This is particularly useful if you want to draw neat lines or straight lines (the stabiliser essentially slows down the ‘ink’ as you’re drawing). I only recently started using the stabiliser, and although I still like having it mostly turned ‘off’ for doing sketchy work, it does make doing line work a lot easier, and also gives pieces a more polished look!

Next advice is to explore all the options you can in whatever program you use!

I feel like with certain programs, you can get overwhelmed by choice and you end up just using a few of the functions. But I’d really recommend just playing around with these programs, trying all the filters and editing options to get used to how the program works. You can often find interesting ways to adjust your artworks this way! In a way I’d recommend this way of working more than finding tutorials made by other people... Unless there’s a specific function you want to learn how to do, just having fun with digital art is a major part of it’s appeal to me!

There are probably a lot of other options I could go into, but this is already over 2000 words long, so I’ll leave it here for now lol! (I may do a part 2 though so... keep a look out for that!)

As always, if you have any questions to things I’ve said here, or are just looking for more advice, don’t hesitate to message me!

And if you like my work on here (art & blog posts) feel free to support me on my Ko-Fi! <3

#art advice #digital art #art advice for beginners #digital art for beginners #artist advice #digital art tips #artists on tumblr #just want to say again that i am not an expert at this at ALL lol #i just want to offer some really basic advice to anyone interested in starting out with digital!

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my-deer-friend · 3 years

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Hi!! I am literally in love with your lams art, especially historical since I love historical lams more than anything. But that last one you did of John for the "he ded lol" day literally broke me, ha ha. I literally had to stop what I was doing as that particular one made me emotional-

But I was wondering how long it takes you to complete a piece like that? And what program you use for your drawings/tips? I want to start doing my own lams art digitally now that I have my Wacom tablet but I don't know where to begin and I'd thought I'd ask an expert-

Awww, Liz! That's so incredibly sweet of you to say! My goal as a creator is to make people have Feelings, so I'm glad I managed to accomplish that. 💕

These days I draw on Procreate on an iPad Air with Apple Pencil. It's honestly the best investment I've made in my creativity and I recommend it entirely if you can afford it, but before that I was drawing with Autodesk Sketchbook on my phone and still managed to produce some great stuff and refine my style. And Wacom tablets are great! I'll leave it to others to recommend desktop software but I will say - avoid Photoshop, since it's expensive and clunky for drawing.

A piece like that will take 8-10 hours over several days - the days are important because you need to look away from it and come back with fresh eyes to see the little flaws and bits that look iffy.

Some tips!

Use references. It's not cheating! All artists do it at least some of the time. Eventually you can draw a face out of your head but goddamn I'll never be able to draw a tricorn hat.

Play around with poses, angles, expressions... some artists become perfect at doing a 3/4 profile but can't do anything else, and that's not a good place to be. Yeah, your first tries will look shit. But that's fine!

Do a rough sketch, then put it away for a few hours before you come back to it. The weird-looking things will jump out immediately. (Bonus point 1 - flip your canvas for the same effect.) (Bonus point 2 - ask a trusted friend, not necessarily an artist, to look at your sketch. They'll see stuff you don't.)

For digital - layers. Layers! Layers. Layers let you test out ideas, stack effects on top of each other, adjust lighting, experiment without damaging your existing work, etc. etc. etc.

I really recommend keeping each character's line art, colour and shading/effects on their own layers (in a group - so I'll have a "John" group and a "horse" group), so that you can move the whole character around without damaging the other one.

Play with textured brushes, especially for shading. Skin, fabric, hair, it all has texture, and that's a great shortcut to adding dimension.

Tiny details really matter! Adding a gradient to a background, or a little touch to a face or piece of clothing, or a little extra lighting, really makes things pop out. (Put them on different layers!)

Be inspired by other artists but also allow your own style to develop. It takes time. But don't be afraid to make it uniquely yours.

Just... draw a bunch. Play. Mess around. Trace. Draw memes. Try something new every time, even if it looks wonky.

Oh and, if anyone's interested, I'd be happy to share some process shots as an example of the steps I take?

This is long...! But I hope it's useful. Feel free to shoot me more questions! 💕

#fanart

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zeldanoel · 4 years

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Precious Things - Bagginshield

Started writing this because I was sad after watching the Hobbit movies last week haha, then I accidently 5,500 words. Also on my ao3 here.

Thorin had exhausted himself digging through gold coins that stank of dragon. He was pale, and his blue eyes, which Bilbo had at least once thought beautiful, were bloodshot and full of a gleaming darkness like the hoard itself. Bilbo found him early one morning sitting on one of the enormous staircases. Thorin's back was to him, and he sat very still, looking off slightly to his left. An ocean of gold sat below him. "Thorin," Bilbo said, and Thorin's head turned slightly, but not enough to look at him. "Did you get any sleep?" "It's not yet night," was Thorin's cold reply. "It was hours ago, when I told you. Remember? And now it's already morning and you--" Bilbo gave a worried sigh and sat down next to him. "Aren't you tired? Thorin." Thorin blinked and looked at Bilbo. His eyes lost a little of their crazed edge. "I am," he admitted, almost smiling, and looked back over the hoard below. The momentary light in his face faded. "But I cannot rest until my kingdom is secure." "But you can," Bilbo said, trying not to let too much desperation creep into his voice. He turned himself more towards him. "And your kingdom is secure. Please. If… if my friendship could be worth a few hours rest, do it for my sake if nothing else." Bilbo tried to smile as Thorin looked at him at that with slightly hazy confusion. "For your sake?" His eyes were almost clearing. He turned more towards Bilbo. "This is all you would ask of me, Master Baggins?"

"And a good meal, if you can stomach it," he replied cautiously. Thorin reached out and squeezed Bilbo's shoulder, his eyes shining now only with tears. Then he leaned down and rested his forehead on Bilbo's other shoulder. His voice when he then spoke seemed to rumble directly into Bilbo's core, making his heart clench and his stomach flip. "Of all the treasures now under this mountain," Thorin said softly, "you are one of the most precious, Bilbo." Bilbo's insides froze painfully. He couldn't smell Thorin, there was only smoke and metal and something inherently dragon-like. Bilbo reached up and touched Thorin's shoulder, almost expecting to feel scales. But no, there were thick layers of cloth. And when Thorin turned his head slightly in response to his touch, the skin of his forehead brushed Bilbo's neck, warm to the point of being feverish. "I don't know if I can find rest," Thorin said softly. "I'll do what I can to help," Bilbo replied.

Bilbo led him up the many stairs to the bedchambers. The one that Thorin had chosen wasn't his original one, but his grandfather's. The king's. The bedpost itself was gold, as were many of the other objects therein. But Bilbo didn't lead him into there, but into Thorin's old room. Thorin had only been through it once since the dragon had left--to sweep up any childhood treasures and valuables and dump them in a heap at the foot of the king's bed. As a result this room was somewhat sparse, drawing light from only the fireplace. It had a strange hominess to it, or maybe it was that old sense of familiarity. My room. Bilbo's old coat was already thrown across the armchair. "Were you in here before?" Thorin asked suspiciously. "I've, uh, slept in here the past few nights," Bilbo said apologetically, "I hope you don't mind." "No," he said honestly. The thought instead warmed him with affection. Bilbo turned down the bedcovers as Thorin shed his outer layers of clothing. "Can I get you anything?" Bilbo asked awkwardly, "oh, maybe some water--" he started for the door. "No!" Thorin said quickly, holding out a hand as though to stop him. "Will you stay with me, instead?" Bilbo blinked at him. His eyes flickered to the bed, and back. "I…? With…?" He gestured a little, but quickly accepted that Thorin really did mean for him to stay in the bed. "Sure. Sure, of course." Tired as he was, Thorin had forgotten momentarily that Bilbo had better manners than a dwarf. A dwarf, if he were uncomfortable, would have refused and perhaps sought a compromise, like sitting in the same room. But Bilbo simply set his blue coat and vest carefully on the armchair by his red one, crossed the room, and crawled into bed next to Thorin. It was like the hobbit radiated an aura of protection and peace for Thorin. Bilbo's presence meant something was going right. Bilbo lay on his back, tucked under the furs and stiffly staring at the ceiling. Thorin was on his side, waiting for the waves of anxiety to completely wash away. "Thank you," Thorin said. He rested his hand on the mattress between them. Bilbo looked over, turned onto his side to face him, and took his hand. "Just sleep," Bilbo said. His little hand disappeared in Thorin's. "One day," Thorin whispered, "I'll be the one to protect you."

-- “I am so sorry,” Thorin managed to say, “that I have led you into such peril…” his voice sounded far away, even to himself. He could barely hear when Bilbo spoke. “No, no, I am glad to have shared in your perils, Thorin. Each and every one of them.” Bilbo leaned down and quickly pressed his lips against Thorin’s. Soft and warm--not sensations Thorin would have thought to feel on this wintery peak, with so much of his body torn and bleeding. Bilbo broke back a hair’s breadth. “Please live, Thorin. You have so much to live for.” Thorin blinked at him, dazed. “More… than I knew,” he rasped. Bilbo’s eyes, dark and kind, stared earnestly into his. They were all Thorin could see. He wished he could see, just one more time, Bilbo’s hair golden with sunlight. The sun would shine on him again, without Thorin. He had to be happy without Thorin. He had to go home. “Farewell, Amralime,” Thorin managed to say. “Go back to your books and your armchair. Plant your trees, watch them grow. If more people valued home above gold, this world would be a… merrier place.” Even Bilbo’s touch was fading. If only Thorin had just a little more time, he could say more. He could sit with Bilbo under a kindly tree, and learn from him how to find peace. That image felt suddenly quite powerful to him. If Bilbo would stay by his side for just a little while longer… if Thorin could learn from him… “Keep hold…” Thorin whispered, “of my hand.” Thorin’s fingers were all but numb, but there was a pressure against them. “I won’t let go,” Bilbo said. “Stay with me, Thorin. Gandalf!” Thorin closed his eyes. A moment ago, death had been sure. But whether unconsciousness now took him for death or sleep, he had no power to fight against it.

His chest ached, burning with a stab wound. Other places he could feel in his body had been slashed. His entire being ached, no strength left in him to even raise his head. But he could hear things. Voices… was that Bilbo’s voice? He clung to the sound, and almost as soon as he did, it stopped so someone else could speak. Bilbo, he thought desperately, trying to get his mouth to form the words. “Thorin? Thorin, can you hear me?” He was drained. His stomach was sick. His eyes, heavier than lead, slowly opened. Bilbo was standing over him. The canvas ceiling of a tent was above them. Bilbo’s face was clean, perhaps some time had passed. Thorin’s hand twitched, searching for Bilbo’s. “You’re okay, Thorin, you’re going to live, just like I told you.” he smiled as though that would disguise his obvious worry. Thorin could only stare. “Stay,” he breathed out. Bilbo’s face broke. He took Thorin’s hand and held it against his lips. “I’ll stay. I promise.” Good. Thorin’s eyes dropped closed.

He woke again with an empty hand, and slowly opened his eyes. If only his throat weren’t so dry, he could-- He coughed, and pain stopped his breath. There was something wrong, of course there was something wrong, he’d been stabbed through the chest, maybe one of his lungs wasn’t working, he couldn’t breathe. “Thorin! Thorin, just breathe!” He turned panicked eyes to the hobbit at his bedside. Bilbo started propping him up, someone on the other side of him was helping. Tears sprang to Thorin’s eyes. The coughing wouldn’t stop, he couldn’t draw breath-- “Thorin, you can do this. Breathe in. Please.” He took a breath. In his ears it sounded like a death rattle. His next cough cleared his lungs and shot pains through his torso. He whimpered. “Come on, do it again.” Slowly, each breath became easier than the last. “Okay. We’re going to have you drink something now.” That was a dwarf’s voice. He couldn’t give it enough attention to determine which of his company it was. Thorin kept his eyes fixed straight ahead, willing himself not to pass out as they brought a meaty broth to his lips and he drank. They laid him back down. Bilbo took his hand again, watching him anxiously. “It’s no good,” Thorin said hoarsely. “Should’ve… left me.” He felt a tear trace out of his eye. “How could I have?” Bilbo asked fervently. He reached down with his free hand and touched Thorin’s cheek, brushing the tear away. “I couldn’t.” He withdrew his hand and squeezed Thorin’s. “Don’t worry about that now. We’re here now. Just stay with me.” Thorin wondered if he could.

He was running through a forest, a dark one where huge gray branches seemed to grope at him, snagging against his white coat. He had to find a way out. That's what he was searching for, right? He reached a stream. The water in it smelled terrible and stagnant, and moved sluggishly. And Bilbo stood on the other side. A shadow loomed over his shoulder, wielding a shortbow. The shadow aimed at him. Then the dream shifted rapidly. He was the stag, then the hunter aiming at the white stag, and then he was aiming at Bilbo, right between the eyes. No, he had Bilbo gripped by the front of the shirt, lifting him off his feet. You shouldn't have done that, it's bad luck. No one was stopping him. He was throwing Bilbo headfirst off the ramparts. Shouldn't have done that. Bilbo was falling. Thorin had to wake up. If Bilbo hit the ground, he'd be dead. Shouldn't have-- Thorin shouted, and was immediately pulled back into his body. His back was arching on the cot, fire spread across his chest. "Thorin, no!" Bilbo's voice. Bilbo! Thorin reached for him, grabbing for any part he could reach. He ended up with a fistful of Bilbo's coat. Bilbo gripped his shoulders, a weak attempt to keep him down. "Bilbo," Thorin gasped. "Bilbo--you--" he was alive. He was fine. "I'm here, Thorin. You're fine." Thorin breathed hard, wounds stinging. He focused in on Bilbo's worried face. Thorin took a few more breaths, trying to calm down and get rid of his sudden dizziness. He could still feel the dream, how it had been his hands that had nearly slain his friend. "It's okay, Thorin," Bilbo whispered. "You're okay." Thorin heaved another breath and released him, turning his face away. "Fili and Kili," he said hoarsely, turning back to him. "Kili is stable, thanks to Tauriel." Bilbo gestured across the room. Who…? Oh, the elf with the red hair. "And Fili?" Thorin whispered desperately. Bilbo opened his mouth, closed it, shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "He didn't make it." Thorin closed his eyes, breathing through his teeth. "Shouldn't have sent them in." "Thorin, it's not your fault. It's… it was battle, and you did the best you could." Thorin took in a breath and slowly released it. "Did Dain survive?" "Yes. Just a bit bruised." "I need to talk to him." "I--now?" Thorin grunted in affirmation. Bilbo, casting him more unsure glances, left the tent. Thorin finally got a look down at himself. His chest was tightly wrapped, and a few other places as well, like his foot. He could feel his heartbeat pounding against his wounds with a painful ache. Other than that he wore only his breeches and a thick wool blanket that had started to slide off. Achingly, he turned his head to look across the room. There was a cot there, and a table in between that obscured the top half of Kili's face. The lower half, and Kili's skin, was pale, and his chest rose and fell in brief, shallow breaths. He watched him for a long moment, willing his own life force to go into Kili. Stomping boots against stone sounded, and Dain threw open the tent flap. Thorin caught a brief glimpse of the dark walls of Erebor behind him before he strode in, Bilbo close behind. Thorin briefly raised his hand so Dain could grasp it. "Thorin," Dain said fervently, grasping his hand and kneeling by his bedside, "you have no idea how glad I am to see you awake." "How is everyone?" Thorin asked, "and how long was I out?" "Near 10 days. We've accepted the Laketown refugees into the Halls for safety. The treasure's been moved to the lower levels. Thranduil has sent most of his army back, but remains with a small retinue. I've done the same, but the Iron Hills aren't far if we should suffer a second attack, and we're keeping scouts out." Thorin sighed with relief. "You've done well. Thank you." He squeezed his hand weakly. Dain only nodded, smiling beneath his beard. With difficulty, Thorin finally spoke. "I'm going to abdicate." Dain's eyes widened. "Thorin, no!" "It's better this way. Once Kili is ready, I would have him be King Under the Mountain. Until then, Erebor needs you. Will you accept?" Dain shook his head. "No, Thorin, it isn't right--" "Please," Thorin whispered. "You're the one who took back Erebor!" "For myself. I have to give it up. It nearly… I nearly…" his eyes went to Bilbo, who still stood near the tent flap, dark eyes wide. "I have to stay away, Dain. For the good of our people." Dain was still shaking his head, face screwed up as though in pain. "Would you have me beg?" Thorin asked quietly. Dain frowned at their clenched hands. "No, sire. And until you've formally abdicated, you are my king. And I will do as you command. By the time Kili comes of age, Erebor will be as great as it ever was." A weight seemed to lift off of Thorin's chest, and he smiled. "Thank you. I will soon be strong enough to give my abdication before witnesses." He closed his eyes, exhausted from the effort of speaking. Dain pressed a hairy kiss to his hand and gently set the hand down. "Take care of him, Master Bilbo," he heard Dain mutter. "I will, thank you." He hadn't thought he'd fallen asleep, but when he opened his eyes Oin was there and Bilbo gone.

-- It took many weeks before Thorin finally regained enough energy to be restless. He and Kili both slept a great deal, as though every day they had battled hard. Oin, Bilbo, and Tauriel were in the tent the most, but every member of the company had occasion to stop by, and Thorin found himself apologizing to every one of them and refused to budge on his decision to abdicate. Only Balin didn’t push him to reverse his decision. The old dwarf simply watched him for a long moment, then nodded. Thorin’s heart sank a little. He’d almost let himself be persuaded by the others. “You do think it wise, then?” Balin took his hand reassuringly. “Sometimes it is wisdom to take yourself away from temptation. And I… wish I could take my personal feelings out of this, or erase for you what happened those weeks while we searched for the Arkenstone. I can see it has broken you. I wish to see you healed. And Erebor is the wrong place for that.” Thorin’s eyebrows furrowed. “What’s the right place?” “Well.” Balin’s eyes twinkled a little, like he had thought of something. “Somewhere peaceful, I suppose, where gold has no hold over the hearts of the people.” He squeezed his hand. “Somewhere where it doesn’t matter if you could have been king. Where you can take pride in not the circumstances of your birth, but the work of your hands.” Thorin chuckled, and his diaphragm seared with pain. He hissed, then looked back to Balin with a subdued smile. “It sounds like you already have a place in mind.” “Hmph. If you want recommendations, you should talk to Bilbo.” Balin patted his hand and sat back. “In any case, there are plenty of wars still to be fought, if you’ll have them.” “Moria,” Thorin said distantly. In his mind’s eye he could see Azog holding aloft a graying dwarvish head. He grimaced. The thought used to fill him mainly with righteous anger--now it made him sick and full of grief.

Thorin abdicated as soon as he could sit up to sign the documents in front of witnesses. He had a face of stone the entire time and spoke little. Kili had temporarily taken a turn for the worse and wasn't present. Bilbo did his best not to hover anxiously over Thorin. Thorin barely met anyone's eyes. Once the documents were signed, he nodded at Dain and sat back in his wheelchair, pale and grim. Bilbo started wheeling him back to his sick tent. They had to take a roundabout path away from the council chamber. "Wait," Thorin said at one of the intersections. He pointed to the left corridor. "Take me that way." "Thorin, I specifically memorized this route and if we leave it I'm going to be lost," Bilbo said to the back of his head. Thorin turned his head just a little. "You won't. Not while you're with me." Bilbo sighed and turned the chair to the left. The corridor soon opened up into one of the forge chambers, although this one had some slightly different equipment, long pipes like spears that Bilbo hadn't seen before. Thorin directed him across the room into an archway. Beyond the archway lay a dark room. Bilbo quickly lit the torch by the door with the box of matches he'd learned to always carry around, and once that was lit, the complicated lighting system that the dwarves had established throughout Erebor was ignited, filling the room with dim warm light. The room was full of colored glass: orbs and creatures and ribbons and prisms, many of them small and displayed on rusting shelves. Overhead were complicated light fixtures--many of them, like this was a storage room. "Erebor was the home of many crafts," Thorin said. Bilbo rounded his chair to stand next to him, hand resting lightly on his forearm. "Glass is not as expensive as jewels or gold, and it's more fragile. I'm pleased to see that Smaug didn't touch it." Thorin looked around the room, his face more lost than pleased. Then he nodded. "That's all, Master Baggins. We can return to your route." "I--that's all?" Bilbo said. "You don't want to look at any of them more closely?" "You may return later if you wish, Bilbo," Thorin said. His face had clouded over, preoccupied. "This place isn't for me." "I…" Bilbo wished he could think of something to say. It would make sense if Thorin were simply tired. But it was more than that. A light in him had gone out. He looked around for inspiration and grabbed a figurine off the shelf. He knelt before Thorin and held it up before him. Thorin's cold blue eyes turned to it impassively. "Doesn't it remind you of Beorn?" Bilbo said with a little smile. He turned the little bear so it caught the light. Thorin sighed. "I don't think Beorn was blue." He touched Bilbo's hand and gently pushed it away. "I appreciate it, Bilbo. Perhaps we can come back another day. Today, it's…" he swallowed and looked away. "No, I, I understand," Bilbo got to his feet and tucked the little bear into his pocket. "It could help to talk about it? I'm only here to help you, Thorin." "You are too kind for your own good," Thorin said miserably. "I'm sorry for how I treated you." "No--one moment of weakness doesn't define our relationship, Thorin." "I should have seen the path that would have led me to that moment," Thorin said. He leaned over and grabbed a wheel, pulling on it to turn himself away from Bilbo. "It's not just you. I know I've made the right choice in abdicating--!" His voice broke into a sob. "But how do I go on? How can I live with myself, knowing that the moment I had the power I sought after all my life, I abused it and ruined everything? If I hadn't--maybe Fili--" "Shh--" Bilbo leaned over the back of the chair and hugged Thorin around the shoulders from behind. "There are so many maybes, Thorin. It's a miracle that you're alive, and Kili. We would be worse off if we had lost you. I--on Ravenhill, I knew that if I lost you there, I would be more alone than I ever have been. I would go home and leave you buried in the Lonely Mountain, but you would have haunted me, much worse than if I could have left you safe and alive." He briefly tightened his grip. "Thank you for holding on." Thorin's hand pressed against the side of Bilbo's head. "You're such a fool," he whispered fondly. He stroked his hair once, then dropped his hand back into his lap. Bilbo released him, sniffling. "I wouldn't mind coming back here for a better look on another day," Thorin said, clearing his throat. "But I'm ready now to rest." "Of course." Bilbo started pushing the chair, and on the way out lowered the little metal hood that snuffed out the torch. With a few gentle corrections from Thorin, they made it back to the healing tent.

When Thorin awoke, the tent was empty except for Kili, who was sitting up supported by pillows, flipping a small knife over and over in the air. Thorin sighed. "Glad to see you're feeling better," he rumbled. Kili frowned at him. "You should have woken me. I wanted to be there." "To see your throne secure?" Thorin teased. Kili's face grew dark, and he raised the knife. "I will use this." He lowered it. "I wanted to be there for you. I'm still upset you did it." "Dain will make a fine regent. Also, he can walk fairly well, I hear." "Don't give me that. You'll be on your feet soon enough." Thorin stared at the ceiling. "You've worried Bilbo, you know," Kili said. "He cares for you a great deal. Oin says he barely left your side while you were sick--" "Don't talk about Bilbo," Thorin said. "I don't--I don't know what to think of him. I… keep wishing I could give what little strength I have left to you, so you can grow strong and healthy, but I get the feeling that the only reason I have some strength at all is because of Bilbo." He blinked tears away. "He won't let me go, even though I'm only a shadow of myself. I have been ever since I laid eyes on that accursed gold. I want to go, Kili. Now that your future is secure, what else have I to live for?" Thorin finally looked over at Kili, who looked pale and alarmed. "Don't talk like that," Kili said, "don't think like that. You--told Bilbo you'd go back with him to see more glass figurines, didn't you? For Mahal's sake, Uncle, your life doesn't have to be some enormous quest! You can just be alive to collect moments of peace. You--eurgh--" Kili grimaced and put a hand against his chest, leaning back more heavily against his pillows. "Kili?" Thorin said, struggling to sit up. "Kili! Bilbo!" In a moment Bilbo was rushing into the tent. "Take deep breaths," he said, pressing on Kili's shoulders, "we need to keep your chest open. And you lay back down," he snapped at Thorin. He reached over and grabbed a jar of salve off the bedside table, opened it, and smothered some on the exposed skin on Kili's chest. The sharp smell of peppermint and eucalyptus filled the tent. Kili gasped in breaths and when Bilbo tried to take his hand from his chest, he gripped Bilbo's hand instead. After a minute or so his breathing became easier, and he released Bilbo's hand and relaxed against the pillows. "Sorry," Kili muttered. "Got upset with Thorin." "Thorin's upset enough with himself," Bilbo said gently, shooting him an apologetic smile, "you just worry about getting better and not re-collapsing that lung." Kili nodded stiffly. Color was coming back to his face. He sighed and closed his eyes. Once Kili seemed to be secure, Bilbo disappeared out the tent for a few minutes before returning with Tauriel, who without so much as a glance at Thorin hurried to Kili's bedside and took the stool there. She began gently chiding him, and Bilbo sat on Thorin's bed and patted his hand. "He wasn't too hard on you, was he?" Thorin snorted. "If he was I deserved it." Bilbo sighed and took Thorin's hand to press an affectionate kiss to his knuckles. Thorin's eyes widened in surprise, and his breath caught. Bilbo caught his reaction and quickly put his hand down, blushing. "I, I'll see you later," Bilbo said. "Leaving me alone with them?" Thorin said in a mock hurtful tone, looking pointedly at Kili and Tauriel. "Let that be your punishment for upsetting Kili," Bilbo said with mock sternness. "I'll go get lunch for us." After Bilbo left Thorin looked wonderingly at his own hand. What had Bilbo meant by that? Had he-- A sudden memory came to him, that Thorin had dismissed before as a dream. Ravenhill--Had Bilbo really kissed him? He looked across the tent. Tauriel was leaning in close, whispering something that was making Kili's face light up with a rare grin. "Hey, you two," Thorin said grumpily. Tauriel immediately sat up, looking guilty. "Sorry, I--" "Uncle, we weren't, um…" Thorin waited, suddenly curious about what excuse they thought they had to give. He raised his eyebrows. But they quieted, waiting for him. "I was only going to ask," he said carefully, "whether you knew when Bilbo is planning to return to the Shire." The two exchanged looks. "No," Tauriel said innocently. "No idea," Kili put in, "perhaps you should ask him yourself? But I highly doubt he'd leave before he was sure you were stable." Thorin glared. "And why's that? Why shouldn't he feel free to leave?" "Well, he cares about you," Kili said. "If that much isn't obvious to you, then--" "Oh, of course it's obvious," Thorin snapped. "I just don't know what to do about it. Oh, nevermind." He turned onto his side, facing away from them, and tried not to eavesdrop. Thorin gripped the edge of his blanket, glaring at the material in his hand. In the end, he simply didn't deserve Bilbo's kindness, which made it vexing that Bilbo continued to show it. And that Thorin found himself relying on it like a lifeline. Everything about Bilbo made Thorin feel calmer. His practicality, goodness, straightforwardness, desire to make Thorin happier even on one of the worst days of his life. If Thorin were to continue living, he'd want Bilbo to be in that life. Slowly, paths were opening before him. He had to be better to Bilbo, see if the hobbit would accept him. If he didn't…? Thorin would find another reason to stay alive until the dwarves were ready to take back Moria. Then maybe he could get neatly killed in battle. Or not, and he'd look for another reason to keep going. It was too far to see ahead, too dim to know if he'd be able to find another reason. He hadn't meant to fall asleep again, but when he woke up he found a bowl of cold stew on his bedside table. Kili was asleep, snoring softly. Thorin bit back a groan as he sat up straight and ate his cold dinner. Right as he was finishing, Bilbo stumbled in, looking groggy and his curly hair in disarray. "Oh, good. Thorin. I thought I heard you, um, being awake." "Bilbo." Thorin set his bowl aside. "Sit down, I need to talk to you." Bilbo paused and squinted at him. "Please," Thorin tacked on as an afterthought. Bilbo sat down on the end of the cot, quickly rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Uh--yes. Yes?" "I… don't really remember well what happened on Ravenhill," Thorin said. "And what I think I remember might have been some dream, so I wanted to make sure there were no misunderstandings between us." He looked very seriously at Bilbo, heart hammering with trepidation. Bilbo looked back, poker-faced. "Did you kiss me?" Thorin asked Bilbo blanched and looked like he was going to laugh it off. "I? Ki--pfft. Well, I mean, considering--listen." He looked Thorin in the face. "You were dying, Thorin. And I knew it was my last chance to tell you how I felt. Feel. And I…" he looked at his knees. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it, and ruined our friendship." Thorin's heart was bursting with delight and something like fear. He laughed a little, shaking his head. "And were you going to just keep it as a secret forever, hoping I'd forget?" "What, like how you were going to keep it to yourself that mithril armor is really only something a king would give to someone he intended to marry?" Thorin cringed. Bilbo wagged a finger. "Hmm, yeah, I've been talking to your company. Apparently you could buy an entire kingdom with this." He fished just under his collar to tug at the edge of the mithril. Knowing Bilbo still wore it despite knowing its value and meaning warmed Thorin's heart. Thorin settled back into his pillows, still mostly sitting up. "I'm glad I did one thing sort of right in those terrible weeks," he said with a fond smile. "I hope you keep it, and let it protect you on whatever adventures you have in the future." Bilbo frowned in surprise. "Well, I'm not leaving you," he said. "I don't mind keeping it, but I'm staying in Erebor." It was Thorin's turn to frown. "I'm not staying in Erebor." "Oh. You--? Where will you go?" "I was hoping you might have some suggestions. Balin thought I should go somewhere peaceful..." Bilbo's face cleared. He scooted up the cot so he could place a hand over Thorin's. "Come to the Shire," he said, "With me. You can stay with me for as long as you like, I won't ask you to stay a moment longer." Thorin took in a breath and nodded, hardly trusting himself to speak around the sudden tears that choked his throat. He slid his hand into Bilbo's. "We'll plant the seed from Beorn's garden," he whispered. Bilbo nodded, smiling. "Maybe get a bigger armchair, for you." Thorin took a shaky breath. "I want to apologize--" "Oh Thorin, you already--" "For all the things I'm going to do wrong. I never want to hurt you again, in any way, but I don't trust myself." He chuckled wetly. "You're taking on a handful of a dwarf." "I know!" Bilbo leaned in with a laugh. "I know. And I won't be perfect either. I like to think I have a gift for vexing you." Thorin leaned his head back and laughed at that, then grimaced, clutching his diaphragm. His wound throbbed. He sighed and smiled at Bilbo, who now looked worried. "Don't fret, Master Baggins. I have a feeling I will heal more quickly now." "I don't think that's how this works," Bilbo said, but a smile flickered across his face. "Oh?" Thorin drew Bilbo's hand up and kissed it. "And you're the expert on battle wounds?" Bilbo blushed. "I--yes, in fact, that is, I've spoken to a few experts, and…" Thorin kissed the inside of his wrist, watching his face. His blush deepened. His hand was trembling in Thorin's grasp. "And I… well, perhaps you're right. I don't know. Um." He met Thorin's eyes with a strange sort of yearning. Thorin lowered their hands, now blushing as well. If Bilbo wasn't ready, that was perfectly f-- Bilbo leaned forward and kissed Thorin. And Thorin felt that he would stay in the Shire for a long, long time.

#bagginshield #thilbo #my writing #lotr #fluffy #suicide ideation #I think that's my only warning tag #thorin gets pretty depressed and has passive suicide ideation #shire

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