#or when it DOES get the tv on the energy gaining mode - they kill the one that explodes and then makes the tv in negative mode ...

[truethes]

those energy stealing tvs and autoplay are hsrs worst combination.

[masterhandss]

Hamefura Idol AU! (part 2)

Here’s a completely unrelated Katarina idol art by @Sangotofura on twitter!

This is a continuation of my first post, the one that is more of an overview of the original FL game and the original descriptions of the characters. I don’t know if I want to write a story for this, since again this is just an excuse to draw, but I’m really having fun with expanding the alternate version of the world of hamefura.

It’s a lot of fun to rewrite hamefura’s story to fit in an idol setting, so I hope you guys don’t mind if I write a bit more for my dumb au dhjgfjs

More tidbits about the ‘Game’:

The game’s name, Fortune Lover: Cinderella Idol! or “Fortune Lover”, is read as “for-tune lover” by the fans (get it? tune?? pls laugh). The ‘F’ of the name is written as a fortissimo.

In the setting for Fortune Lover, the entertainment industry is the biggest industry of all time, with music being the most popular form. It has been like this for decades, and as time progressed, people’s tastes and expectations of music evolved, leading to the creation and popularity of idols.

Idol-Producers are a new project that is testing the capabilities of a idol teen, observing how their involvement in their own success can impact how they manage their time and how they can bring the absolute best out of themselves, on their own. Maria is the first idol who will be testing this new style. She is still a producer to herself, the boys, and even Sophia and Mary if you choose to have them join you. Despite being an idol, they still call Maria their “producer” and treats her like one. 

The characters in the game are in 3D CG, as the game includes the dance choreography or “MV Mode” if you perfect the score of the rhythm game. 

While Katarina’s bullying isn’t really death threatening, it’s more in line with the petty kind like verbal threats, sabotaging Maria’s idol clothes and stage equipment, paying someone to mess up her tracks during performances, badmouthing her infront of tv show producers and hosts, and stuff like that.

Katarina’s bullying isn’t as bad as it is in the original otome game, but she gets shunned by the public because behavior like that is only supposed to be done behind the curtains. The public has such a pure and honest perception of idols that they never think of the idea that the girls who smile and sing on stage actually try to stab each other in the back when the stage lights are off. Some people think that Katarina’s character is just a persona, so knowing that she is actually an ignorant and arrogant rich girl idol-wannabe, her fans lose respect for her. Katarina’s harassment of Maria is one of the few cases that are brought to light by the end of the game, and because of how much the public loves Maria by that point, they are enraged by Katarina’s behavior, making her lose support on all sides

Katarina had been in love with Gerald ever since they were children, and while Gerald has always been a popular boy among both his peers, when she found out Gerald was going to be an idol, she disliked the idea of sharing her beloved Gerald to a huge audience of people, so she became an idol to stand alongside him and to make herself worth of him by charming him as as an idol and gaining a large following herself. Despite this, Katarina didn’t strive too hard to be a talented idol, as she was too confident on herself due to the pampering of her parents.

Even if the player doesn’t desire to romance any of the four boys, given how the game is written and how it is programmed, the boy with the highest relationship points with Maria will confess to her by the end of the game. It would be impossible to not interact and gain points with the boys, as you gain relationship points in most areas of the games (when you “practice” your characters, when you “play” their songs, when you “give” them new clothes, when you “converse” with them in story mode, etc.). In the event that there are two characters with the exact same amount of points, the game will choose a boy for you.

Sorcier Pro.’s current president is Geoffrey Stuart (for reasons that will make sense someday) 

Katarina-Gerald and Mary-Alan aren’t engaged in this au, but are constantly in each other’s presence due to most powerful bussinessmen and celebrities being good friends with each other. 

Each girl has a specialty in a certain area: Katarina with dancing, Sophia with singing, Mary with acting/drama, and Maria (according to the official description of her in the box) with fashion coordination. Maria can be seen as more of a jack of all trades though, as she does represent the player. 

While any of the boys can trigger the condemnation event that will lead to Katarina’s social suicide, the event is specifically associated with Keith and Gerald due to the severity of her presence and bullying if you have high relationship points with the two. With Alan and Nicole, Katarina’s event only happens for a few lines, but for Keith and Gerald, it takes place in complete detail, with it’s own animated cutscene. 

Gerald’s route is also the most popular among the fans, with community surveys reporting that 53% of the game’s player base had Gerald as their final chosen love interest ( 25% with Keith, 12% with Nicol and 10% with Alan)

Monkey Girl/Past-Life Katarina

Since Maria’s name can’t be change in the game, but you can give her a “nickname” that represents the username of the player, Past-life Katarina’s name in the game is “SaruP” (or “Monkey producer” lol)

Saruchan (Monkey Girl) dies before she could finish her playthrough of the game, and all of her knowledge is based on her idol-expert best friend Acchan. She’s a bit tomboyish, and she loves to climb trees and move freely without a hint of poise or shyness, and is friendly to all genders. Her love for climbing, running, gardening with her grandma, and never ending amounts of energy gave her a pretty strong, flexible, agile and energetic body.

In Saruchan’s world, idols do exist, but aren’t portrayed in the cutesy and exaggerated manner that fiction does. Though it’s no surprise to know that in her world, almost every girl had dreamed to become an idol at one point, even herself. Acchan doesn’t find the idea interesting though, as she only lives for the idealized version of idols that exist in fiction. Acchan explains that girls their age are being brainwashed by the idealized version of idols that are presented in the media that they consume, and that they should wake up and learn to enjoy the fictional idols as they are. Despite Acchan’s realistic disapproval of idol fantasies, she does love playing idol rhythm games and gacha games, and spends her allowance on getting DLC costumes for Maria in FL. Acchan even pre-ordered tickets for herself and Saruchan for an idol concert featuring the VA of the characters, that they were supposed to attend to on the day that Saruchan dies. 

She dies the game way: on her way to school and being killed by a truck that runs her over. 

The last thing Saruchan sees before she loses consciousness forever is the wallpaper of the game’s boxart from her phone screen as it flies out of her hands. 

My Next Life as an ‘Idol’?? All Routes Lead to Doom!!!

As usual, Katarina ends up remembering her future as an 8 year old kid, and plans to prepare for her future “banishment” and humiliation. She learns to farm in order to provide for herself once she gets shunned and retreats to the countryside, and (unknowingly) meets all the characters in the game and gains their good favor before the events of the game begins. 

Her head bump still happens with Gerald, but their encounter happened in a party rather than an engagement meeting, with her tripping over a rock as she decides to run to the young man in order to introduce herself. Such introductions never got past beyond their names and few exchanges of dialogue, as the bump occurred and Katarina was immediately brought to the hospital after he called for help. 

Being a girl who wanted to be an idol at one point, Katarina wanted to use this chance to fulfill her dream of becoming one! But knowing the fate that will await her, (public humiliation, isolation, and banishment to some degree) she tries to figure out ways to avoid ruining her future.

While not as bad as death, Katarina is aware that the ending of the game implies that the blemished opinion that everyone will gain of her will lead to her leading a miserable life; one that will prevent her from gaining new allies and even studying in peace without being made fun of or called out for. It might even ruin her marriage prospects, for all she knows (it doesn’t but she’s too stupid to know that). The stakes of the bad ending aren’t life threatening, but it is personal, as Katarina always dreamed of becoming an idol as a teen and doesn’t like the idea of being able to enjoy it for a few months only to be dragged down to hell right afterwards.

The Claes is a wealthy family known for her father’s knowledge and skills when it comes to trades and business, and for her mother’s beautiful opera singing voice and celebrity presence. As usual, Katarina’s father adopts Keith for the purpose of gaining a direct heir for the business, in fear that Katarina’s future significant other might just to interested in her to gain it. 

Katarina’s plan is to learn how to farm in order to be able to support herself after her banishment, give Keith lots of love so he doesn’t end up becoming a playboy like in the game, and to train herself in dancing and singing in order to not embarrass herself like the original Katarina did. After meeting Gerald again and realizes his weakness, she eventually prepares (or buys, since the setting is modern) toy snakes that she can use to surprise him whenever the condemnation event occurs, using his shocked and panicked reaction as a way to distract the media from the claims that will surely fall upon her (since no one would have expected the calm and collected Gerald Stuart to scream like a girl at the sight of a toy snake, right? That would stay in the headlines for weeks! maybe).

As a kid, she has private singing tutors, and takes more general singing classes when she gets older. She doesn’t have dance training as a kid, but she does like to exercise and move her body around, so it slowly turned into the stamina-filled flexible body that she is used to. 

Katarina and Keith - Their meeting and impressions are mostly the same, which the difference being that Katarina used a display axe above a fireplace to break down the door, and Keith got her injured by accidentally pushing her off a pretty high cliff in the Claes grounds while they were both running and playing chase (rather than being isolated for dangerous Earth Magic, Keith as a child was a clutz who attracted danger to everyone around him, making his older brothers make fun of him for being “cursed”).

Katarina showers him with love, making him affectionate towards his step sister, in the same as he was in the original material.

When Keith finds out about Katarina’s desire to train to become an idol, he is very supportive of her, and decides to train with her in order to be able to stand by his sister on stage (as well as to generally gain the same interests as her in order to guarantee that they will stay close as they age). The contrast being that instead of becoming an idol to gain the adoration of millions of nameless faces, he now wants to become an idol to gain the love and attention of a single person, which is Katarina uwu. 

Katarina and Gerald - Gerald eventually attempts to visit Katarina to apologize for the incident, expecting her to blame him for what happened, given the personality she showed him. He was shocked to find a scar on her forehead, farming while wearing a farmer’s attire despite coming from a wealthy and esteemed family, singing and dancing to a song as she waters her vegetables. He watches for only a minute, unable to look away from the girl who danced like deflating balloon and sang off key while almost drowning her small vegetable in water. She looked weird, but she was having the time of her life, and he could see and hear it from where he stood.

 In a daze, thinking he might have entered the wrong house by accident or walked on the daughter of a maid doing chores. He walks out and leave the Claes estate without a word, and visits again after only a few days, as he couldn’t get his mind off of the oddity that he had witnessed. 

He eventually realizes that it was Katarina on his second visit, as he finds the scar of the odd farmer girl on the same girl who boasted about her family’s wealth in the party. After giving formal introductions, Gerald offers to walk around the garden to get to know each other better, in order to continue the conversation that she had originally forced on him back in the party (it was done to be polite and respectful, rather than any interest to continue). In the garden, they pass by the area that Katarina had planned to turn into her farm, and Gerald was in awe at how unorganized and messy everything looked (there was dirt everywhere, the tools were left on the floor because she had to prepare to meet him, there was more bags of manure than what was even needed etc! Katarina internally cursed at her 8 year old delicate rich girl body for not having the same arm strength as her 17 year old self). It was then that it sunk in that the adorable singing and dancing farming girl that he accidentally saw really was Katarina Claes. She wasn’t the very definition of abnormal, but she was nothing like the daughters of his father’s friends that cried when not attended to or complained when not given the best dresses and shoes. There was no shred of worry about her family’s expectations in her eyes, nor expectations of him to act like his perfect and matured self whenever they met in parties, movie premiers or social events, which made him yearn for her company. 

After finding out about Katarina’s desire to become an idol one day, Gerald secretly planned to do the same (and even have her recruited in his brother’s agency) in order to become closer to her through her love of entertainment and to have a chance to be constantly in her presence. When he found out about the charms that male idols have on their female fans, he also plans on using this as an opportunity to gain both her attention and romantic affection, by perfecting his (already maxed out) charms as male idol. 

Katarina and Mary - The two met during a part hosted by Mary’s mother in the Hunt Estate, inviting all of her mother’s old opera acquaintances, sponsors and co-workers for a formal reunion. Katarina and Keith accompanied their parents to the party, leading them to be introduced to the Hunt Family’s daughters. As usual, Katarina had the urge to “release the chocolate shark” during the party and takes an elegant leave. She eventually gets lost in the estate and finds herself in the garden. Katarina was in awe of the garden’s beauty, and stood still as she watched what seemed like beautiful siren sing by herself near a majestic fountain, with a single rose in hand. 

Mary was surprised to hear an aggressive applause after singing to herself. Katarina aggressively complimented Mary for her adorable yet elegant voice, and asked who she was seeing as a singing trainer. When Mary replied that she was not having any singing or vocal training, Katarina rains even more compliments down, claiming that “her voice was that of an angel!”. Mary denied it, so Katarina proceeded to sing the same song that she had sang, as a point of comparison to make her feel more confident in herself. Mary shyly and unexpectedly joins her, and they ended up having a small and quiet duet in the garden. Katarina’s voice sounded a bit rough and squeak-ish, but alongside Mary’s elegant and controlled singing, they didn’t sound bad at all. 

When Katarina finds out that Mary is also the one who tends to the flower garden, she proceeds to shower Mary with even more compliments, and asks her to visit and help with her own farm garden. Being complimented for having a beautiful voice and a green thumb made her feel validated and appreciated, so she often visits the Claes household in order to be in constant presence of her first and dearest friend. The rest is the same.

When Mary found out about Katarina’s dream of becoming an idol, she started taking intense vocal training as well as various exercises in order to be able to join her in her endeavor. She slowly built a more brazen and tough personality in order to be able to join and protect her friend from the rumored cold and intense reality of the idol world, as well as due to the antics of her friends. 

Katarina and Alan - From Mary, she eventually finds out that the event where Mary duets and falls in love with Alan occurred. Katarina realizes that duet must not have been that effective because she has done the same with Mary, but is confident that Mary is in love with him because Alan is a very talented and handsome individual. A few days later, the fourth Stuart son bursts into the doors of the Claes household, and demands to meet with Katarina. She learns that Alan had developed a small crush on Mary, and that he wants to challenge Katarina for her hand. Same shenanigans ensues, leading up to the piano duel where his talents in the piano was in full display to everyone in the manor. 

Katarina knew how to play the piano (just the basics though), so she was in awe listening to someone who almost sounded like a pro! Alan runs off after Gerald compliments him, Katarina chases after him, and they got to talk behind a bush. Alan wouldn’t take her compliments, but Katarina aggressively insisted that his talents are nothing to scoff at. 

When Alan says that he’s sure that his brother can play just as good, if not better than him, Katarina speculates that it wasn’t the case, because everyone had things that they are good and bad at. Not everyone is the same, no one learns at the same pace, and that she’s sure even if Gerald can play the piano better than him (and she doubts he can in the first place), no one can play the piano like Alan can. The scores in his heart are his alone, and that nothing is more beautiful than the melody that the heart enacts. Katarina knew that the score he played wasn’t an existing one, and knowing Alan’s character from the game, it’s probably either an impromptu score or one he had composed by himself. Her guess was correct, leading Alan to be caught off guard by her compliment, almost feeling emotional as no one had ever guessed and believed that the music he played was his own, until Katarina did. 

She shows off the power of the toy snake to Alan, making him laugh and see his brother in a different light. He still constantly visited Katarina for their duels, but as time progressed, he lost the affection for Mary (as he saw her as a little sister now after interacting with her in the Claes Household) that made him want to challenge Katarina. They still followed up on those challenges, for fun rather than for sport. 

When he finds out about Katarina’s dream to become an idol, he is determined to join her in order to be able to compose songs and melodies that she can sing, intending to bring out the absolute best of his muse’s voice with his own music. Someone his age might not be fit to compose songs for an idol, so he intends to become one as well in order to gain a reputation as a competent composer. 

Katarina and Sophia - The two meets at an afternoon party hosted by the Stuarts, as a celebration for the birthday of the twins. Katarina had to “powder her noes” after a few trips to the buffet table, and leaves Keith and Mary. She’s chased down by a dog, climbs up a tree, and accidentally watches a group of kids and older bully a small girl who sounded like she was about to cry. The same events occur, up to their second encounter in the party. Katarina accidentally quotes a line from a novel that she was reading, and after realizing that Sophia understood her reference, she asked for them to meet again in order to discuss their similar interests.��

Everything is pretty much the same, the difference being that somehow idols were brought as a topic of conversation, with Sophia revealing that she is actually a huge fan of idols. Katarina, feeling reminiscent of her idol-expert best friend Acchan, tells her that she actually wants to be an idol herself and insists that Sophia tell her about everything she loves about idols. Sophia, who is surprised to also find another idol fan who is as young as her, becomes even more excited and tells her all about her love for idols: how they are able to wear such adorable outfits onstage, how they sing songs that carry so much meaning, how they carry their fan’s dreams with them when they dance and sing, how amazing it is to be able to juggle so many occupations at once, and much more. 

With both love of novels and idols, Sophia constantly finds herself in the Claes Household in order to talk to Katarina about books, idols, song recommendations etc. 

When Sophia was first told that Katarina wanted to be an idol, she was very supportive of her and announced herself as Katarina’s number one fan. As time passed, she realized she wasn’t just satisfied with just watching Katarina from afar, she wanted to sing and dance alongside her! She wants to use her knowledge of romance novels and idols to help make herself and Katarina the best idols to ever exist! She wants to sing on stage about her feelings: about how much she loves Katarina, idols and their beloved novels!

Katarina and Nicol - When he found out that someone had invited his little sister to a small book club, he was very wary, thinking that she was one of the many other girls who tried to use Sophia in order to become closer with him. He was shocked to realize that that was not the case, and that Katarina had barely seen him at all, and had opened his timid little sister’s heart. When Sophia asked Katarina if she found her appearance creepy, Nicol proceeds to explain further, expecting to see a hint of guilt or displeasure from Katarina Claes, only for both of them to be met with unyielding determination to have Sophia as a close friend. Sophia went home that day in tears, thankful to have found a friend who truly wanted to stick by her side. 

The Claes siblings often visits their home so the girls can have their book club, even bringing Mary Hunt with them occasionally. Katarina, while looking a bit flustered, is capable of having a conversation with him without averting her eyes, which was a breath of fresh air to the countless camera crew, staff, visitors and even strangers who couldn’t look him in the eyes because how of how much of a beautiful child model he was. It all leads up to the moment where Katarina compliments him with how blessed he is to have such a beautiful and wonderful family, which contrasted against the ignorant adults who pitied him for having parents who refused to abuse the potential of his beautiful face and for not being as beautiful as their son, as well as for having a freakish looking sister. 

Nicol, just like his sister, desired to constantly be in Katarina’s positive presence, and visited her often, leading them to be acquainted and friends with the entire group that Katarina enraptured. 

When he found about his sister’s and Katarina’s desire to become idols, Nicol thought of doing the same, in order to be able to continue to watch over and protect both Sophia and Katarina, as well to be able to continue being close with Katarina (as their lack of similar interests and age gap might lead her away from him, but tbh that is never gonna be a problem with Katarina). He also plans to use his influence as a child model to propel Sophia and Katarina’s careers, as a way of supporting his two favorite girls. 

Notes

I’m not sure how I feel about Gerald’s backstory, I might rewrite that if anyone kindly wants to critique it.

Instead of Mary’s green thumb, it’s her voice that leads her to Katarina and Alan, but I still think Sophia would still have a better singing voice than her, so both her voice and green thumbs both play a part in her character. Mary’s high pitched voice gets a bit deeper as she ages, while Sophia’s voice stays very high.

I really like the idea that rather than the original ambitions and goals that leads the harem to become idols in Fortune Lover, now it’s the effect of Katarina’s constant insistence and declarations of becoming an idol that leads to everyone doing the same. In this timeline, the harem probably wouldn’t have thought of (or planned early) becoming an idol if Katarina never brought it up. 

I’m writing this at midnight again, lol, but yeah I’m not planning on writing a fanfiction for this, I guess, but I do want to have an established plot so rather than chapters, I’m just writing a full overview for fun haha

When I mentioned that Sophia loved idols, I didn’t realize that I might have accidentally implied that she was just as an idol fan as Acchan was, but with actual idols this time, so I went with :DD

I’ll touch up on Idol Katarina, Anne, Maria, Sirius/Raphael and Fortune Lover 2 in the next one.

I’m really happy that there are people who actually read my previous post and said that they liked it! Feedback and suggestions are appreciated! I still need a final name for the units so help me pls hahaha.

I’ll rewrite this post when I feel like adding/changing stuff.

[sohotthateveryonedied]

Just the Same

Summary:

“You’re sick.”

“You’re ugly.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone you weren’t feeling well?”

“I’m fine.” Jason closes his eyes. “Just a little tired.”

“Uh-huh. And that’s why you have a fever?”

Read it here on AO3!

Bruce has a very simple plan for tonight, alright? He’s going to grab a quick post-patrol snack from the kitchen, then he’s going to take a shower, and then he will go promptly to bed. He’s tired. It’s been a long day. He just wants to sleep. (You absolute fool, the goblin in his brain screeches at him, because the goddamn Batman cannot get a goddamn break or else the world will literally split in two.) Fatefully, Bruce passes the den’s open doorway while half of his mind is preoccupied with sending Dick a goodnight text, and he happens to glance into the room. That’s when he stops in his tracks. Even more fatefully, Alfred is coming down the hall in Bruce’s direction, carrying a tray with a single cup of tea on it. “Alfred?” “Yes, Master Bruce?” “Were you aware that Jason was home?” Alfred looks over at where Jason is asleep on the den sofa, still in his leather jacket and boots. He doesn’t look remotely surprised by the sight. Then again, is Alfred ever surprised? “Master Jason got in while you were on patrol. I offered to make him dinner, but he said he wasn’t hungry.” Then there’s that classic Alfred Pennyworth eyebrow crease. “When he wakes up, do inform him that one does not forgo the need for nutrition when one has been dipped in a Lazarus Pit.” “I’ll be sure to do that.” “Now, if you will excuse me.” Alfred walks off with his perfectly level tray, on a perilous journey to Damian’s room. Bruce envies him. At least Alfred gets to go to sleep after Damian gets his nighttime tea. Bruce enters the den carefully, without a sound. God knows Jason hardly sleeps through the night without interruption as it is. Now, at least, he looks peaceful enough. So much time has passed since his last haircut that his hair curls against his temple, plastered with sweat. He must have come here straight from Red Hood business. At least he didn’t get blood on the couch this time. Quietly, Bruce pulls the knitted throw blanket from where it’s draped over the back of the sofa and lays it over Jason, tucking it in close when he catches a shiver rattling Jason’s teeth. Now that he’s paying attention, he can see that Jason’s cheeks are flushed as well. His mouth is locked in a grimace, even in sleep. Bruce presses the back of his hand against Jason’s forehead and clicks his tongue. Definitely a fever. Jason’s eyebrows wrinkle at the touch. His eyes crack open and take a moment to land on Bruce, sitting on the edge of the couch by Jason’s torso. It says a lot that he doesn’t go into battle mode as soon as he registers an unfamiliar presence in the room. “Mmph. Go away.” “You’re sick.” “You’re ugly.” “Why didn’t you tell anyone you weren’t feeling well?” “I’m fine.” Jason closes his eyes. “Just a little tired.” “Uh-huh. And that’s why you have a fever?” “Why don’t you mind your fucking—” Jason tumbles into a coughing fit, wet and hacking. “I’ll be right back,” Bruce tells him with a parting pat on the knee. His knees creak as he stands, heading for the bathroom down the hall. He digs through the medicine cabinet until he finds the thermometer, one of many that Alfred keeps in every bathroom in the house. He grabs a bottle of Tylenol as well. Bruce goes back to the couch and reclaims his spot next to Jason, who has stopped coughing by now, but his breathing is heavy. Bruce touches the thermometer to Jason’s temple, ignoring his weak swats. It reads out a hundred and one degrees. “When did you start feeling sick?” Jason grunts and rolls onto his side, curling in on himself. “Dunno. Yesterday, I guess.” Bruce frowns. Of course Jason would ignore any achy feelings for as long as possible. None of Bruce’s kids have a single self-preserving bone in their bodies. “Tell me your symptoms.” “Being a fucking snack.” “Jason.” Jason coughs. “Leave me alone, old man.” “Does your throat hurt?” “Yeah, so quit trying to make me talk.” “Any nausea?” Jason buries his face into a throw pillow. “You’re fuckin’ exhausting, you know that?” He sighs. “Not since last night. I’m freezing, lethargic, and my head is killing me. Happy?” Bruce hums. “It’s probably the flu.” “Yeah, no shit.” Jason closes his eyes. “Now will you leave me alone? You’re making my headache worse.” Bruce twists open the Tylenol cap and shakes out a couple of tablets into his palm. “Here.” He holds them out to Jason. Jason opens one eye, looks at the pills, and closes it again. “No.” “Jason—” “No. Don’t like pills.” Bruce can’t say he didn’t expect as much. Still, it does Jason no favors to continuously refuse any sort of medication, choosing to tough out the pain for as long as he can. It all ties back to his mother’s drug addiction, a disease which Jason watched slowly kill her over years and years. It makes sense that he’d grow up with an unwavering aversion to drugs. When Jason was a small tot, Bruce and Alfred spent what probably accumulated to hours of cajoling, trying to talk Jason into taking even the lightest painkillers. Lidocaine and numbing solutions were fine, but anything resembling a narcotic was out—and still is, apparently. It makes Bruce wonder how Jason reacted to the Lazarus Pit and its euphoria-inducing waters—part of the whole “magical healing” process. Maybe he was too out of his mind at the time to form a solid thought, much less remember his childhood trauma. This is one fight Bruce chooses not to get into, so he recaps the Tylenol and sets it aside. Miraculously, Jason is already asleep again. That’s fine with Bruce; it’s better his son sleeps this flu off than wastes his energy arguing. Trying not to jostle him too much, Bruce takes off Jason’s boots and leaves them on the carpet. He grabs the TV remote and settles in on the couch with Jason’s feet in his lap, pulling up a nature documentary on hyenas that he and Damian haven’t had the chance to finish yet. Looks like he’ll be catching up on his sleep tomorrow night. Right now, Jason needs him (despite how fervently he’ll protest as much). Honestly, this whole situation brings Bruce back to the old days. After moving into the manor, it took over six months for Jason to completely recover from the years of malnutrition he suffered on the streets. His weight was far too low for a boy his age, even more scrawny than Tim. Alfred provided Jason with plenty of vitamin supplements and extra servings at dinner to bulk him up, but his immune system was shoddy at best no matter how much weight he gained. During his Robin era it was illness after illness, from the common cold to a whammying case of pneumonia. This is the first time Jason has been sick in Bruce’s presence since his death, though. Bruce is learning about the eating habits of hyenas when Tim comes in from the kitchen with a cup of peppermint tea, despite having supposedly gone to bed three hours ago. He stands there in the doorway for a moment, looks owlishly at Jason, then at Bruce, then back to Jason. He grins. “No,” Bruce says. “You don’t even know what I was going to do!” “I know you, and the answer is no.” “Jeez, Bruce. I’m not gonna kill him.” Tim attempts to cross his arms, forgetting that he’s holding hot tea, and hisses when it scalds his arm. “The hand-in-warm-water trick’s never hurt anyone,” he mutters. “Go back upstairs. You’ll get sick.” Tim wrinkles his nose. “This is prejudice against people without spleens, you know. I could sue your ass.” “Sue me from upstairs where I can comfortably know that you won’t die from the flu.” Tim rolls his eyes, but he goes. Bruce hears him stomp up the stairs, getting quieter and quieter until the footsteps are gone entirely. Bruce shakes his head. How did he ever think that having four boys would be a good idea? He questions his younger self’s judgement every day. For the next three hours, Jason sleeps in fits and starts. He never stays awake longer than five minutes at a time, drinking water when Bruce prods him to and grudgingly letting Bruce check his temperature for any spikes. Bruce learns quite a bit about hyenas in the meantime, until the documentary ends and a new one about sea otters begins. In between the hazy bouts of wakefulness, Jason tosses restlessly in the throes of nightmare after nightmare. Beads of sweat roll down his forehead. In the back of his mind Bruce wonders, is this just the fever talking or are nightmares a nightly villain for Jason? The latter would come as no shock, but that doesn’t mean he likes the idea. Bruce runs his fingers through Jason’s sweaty curls, a reflection of years ago when he would do the same thing any time Jason had a nightmare during his youth. Jason has been cheated out of peaceful nights from the beginning. Of course, back then there wasn’t a white streak splitting the darkness of his onyx hair—a reminder of the pit water swimming in Jason’s blood. Bruce moves a lock of hair off Jason’s forehead, gentle as a moth. Jason’s eyes fly open and he jerks away from the touch, a gasp ripping up his throat. Bruce doesn’t move. He gives Jason a moment to regain his bearings, stilling the hand in Jason’s hair. Green irises lock on Bruce, frenzied. “Where?” he croaks. “The manor.” Jason takes a deep breath in, clenching his jaw. “Okay.” He lets it out. “Okay.” Bruce grabs the water bottle he’s kept on the coffee table. “Here,” he says, moving his hand down to Jason’s back and prodding a shoulder blade. “Sit up.” “Fuck you.” It comes out half groan, the illness-wrought exhaustion catching back up with Jason. “You need to hydrate.” “Double fuck you.” Bruce shrugs. “Drink half of this or I’ll call Alfred and have him convince you. Your choice.” Jason rolls his eyes and snatches the bottle. Bruce will take that as a victory. Jason sits up with enormous effort, groaning at the aches in his body until he’s upright next to Bruce. He drinks the water, wincing when it hits his sore throat. “What were you dreaming about?” Bruce ventures to ask. Jason lowers the bottle to narrow his eyes at Bruce like he’s the biggest idiot in this room. “Shut up.” The annoying part is that Bruce genuinely has no idea what Jason’s nightmare could have been about. His childhood? His death? His resurrection? Any of the traumatic things that could have happened afterward, ones that Bruce wasn’t there for? There is such a disconnect between the two of them now. He should count it a blessing that they have moments like this, though Bruce would greatly prefer spending time with Jason while he isn’t sick and miserable. But Bruce will take it, nonetheless. Jason drains a sufficient amount of water, only to lurch forward in another coughing fit as soon as he gets in a breath. “Christ,” he rasps, eyes watering. “Just fucking shoot me already, will ya?” Bruce rubs his back. “I could tranq you, if you really think it would help. But I can’t guarantee that one of your brothers won’t take advantage of that and draw mustaches on your face while I’m not looking.” “Har, har. You’re a fucking comedian now.” Jason’s voice is coarse as gravel, scraping up his vocal cords. “Want some tea? It’ll help soothe your throat.” “Later. Just wanna...sleep for now.” In spite of everything he stands for, Jason tips his head to rest it on Bruce’s shoulder. Whether it was intentional or he’s just so disoriented from the fever that he has no idea he’s even doing it, Bruce won’t take the gesture for granted. Jason is shivering, so Bruce pulls the blanket tighter around his shoulders where it slackened during his sleep. Then, in a riskier maneuver, he puts his arm around Jason and pulls him in close like he did so many times when Jason was a lot shorter and a lot less jagged around the edges. Bcuce still loves him just the same. Jason leans into Bruce’s warmth instinctively, but he warns, “Tell anyone about this and I’ll shatter your clavicle.” “Mm-hm.” “I mean it. You’ll need a goddamn orthopedic surgeon to fix you up if you breathe a word of this to anyone.” “I believe you.” It must be a good enough answer because Jason closes his eyes, relaxing in Bruce’s hold. “The only reason I’m gonna say this is ‘cause my brain is melting,” Jason says, “but...thanks. For being here.” He yawns. “Being sick alone fuckin’ sucks.” “I hear you.” “And keep Tim away from me, ‘kay? I don’t trust the little snot not to pull something.” Bruce snorts and unpauses the otter movie. “Go to sleep, Jay.”

[mcrmadness]

Anxiety is so stupid.

For the longest of time I have been wanting to lose weight and just exercise for the sake of my physical health. It's not healthy for ANYONE to just sit at home 24/7 doing nothing. With my previous job as a horse groom I at least was moving more or less every single day.

But I have adhd, and I can't get myself motivated by sports or exercising. And I have anxiety which often causes the exercising to backfire. Just like now.

Last week I felt like I finally got into the state of mind where I almost managed to make it a habit to use my exercise bike almost every day (cos resting days are also important), and I got some annoying heart palpitations later on (not necessarily even related to the exercising) and that triggered my anxiety that lasted for almost 2 days. Which is why I decided not to do anything for 3 days.

Well today I have been feeling like I need to get to moving. So I decided to challenge my anxiety and go and use my exercise bike for 30 minutes meanwhile watching Gotham so that the number 1 priority is the tv series, and the exercising is the "bonus" that just happens meanwhile I'm watching the TV series. Just like when I was working: the number 1 priority was to clean up the stable and take care of the horses, and the walking and "exercising" was just a nice bonus.

What I have now, then, is the worst type of anxiety: not knowing if it was a bad decision or not. The wait for if my body will react to this or not, which provokes me even more and my body will react to things the way I "want" it to react. Aka I don't really want it to do anything but I'm just checking my body so obsessively that I will notice even every normal thing and think it's something dangerous. Just the typical alert mode.

It feels the same as if you would drink poison and then just waited it to kick in. Except that I was only using my exercise bike that should do good things to your physical health, but in my brain the things are upside down and it thinks exercising = we're doomed.

It is so tiring. I want to lose weight, I want to be in better shape, I want to be healthier, I can feel my weigh already affecting the way I feel like in general, but I just can't get over the anxiety that keeps screaming into my ear that I will die if I try exercising. I'm tired of feeling like I can't get enough air because I feel like I won't fit into my skin soon. Which triggers more anxiety because then I start to worry about whether I'm having allergic reaction (I have no allergies) or something else that causes me to choke, when in reality I just find it difficult to breathe deeply anymore because of my body shape and because I'm neurodivergent and am even having sensory overloads from my own skin and body. Just my upper arm being too close to my side? Unbearable, I wanna rip my arm off!!! Or alternatively lose weigh enough so that I would be normal sized so I didn't need to feel my arm against my boob anymore.

Also I don't understand why does my anxiety care so much about me moving and why does it think I will die, but then it has no problems with me literally "killing" myself by sitting in front of my computer 24/7 just gaining more weigh because I still have to eat something to stay alive, but don't move enough to even use some of that extra energy I get from food. (I don't even eat that unhealthy, too few vegetables, but like... no extra sugar nor fast food or anything like that.)

[howtohero]

Fake Powers

In a world with so many different superhumans, magical creatures, and Power Jones, the man with one million powers and whom I’m pretty sure creates and erases superpowers at will, it can be rather difficult to keep track of what is an actual real power and what is not. Thankfully the good folks at OmniPower Genesis, the OPG have diligently researched and catalogued every known superpower. Not only have they done that, but they’ve also compiled a list of powers that people have claimed to have that they’re pretty sure are fake! This list is almost more valuable than the list of real powers, because they are almost all extremely dangerous, extremely powerful, and extremely terrifying. We’ve mirrored their list here for you to read, memorize, and internalize so you can rest easy knowing that if a villain ever claims to have one of these powers, they’re probably lying.

World Sustaining: The ability to keep the world going, even without actively participating in its saving. Users of this power act as a sort of support beam or perhaps good luck charm for the entire world. As long as they exist, the world will always come back from the brink of extinction. Also, this power might not actually exist. We don’t know what to tell you. Combat potential: You’d think that saving the world is an inherently peaceful power with limited combat usage. But this power actually ensures that all future combats can come to pass without the threat of armageddon.

Perpetual One-Upmanship: This power allegedly allows users to always be slightly more powerful than whomever they’re fighting. If somebody you’re fighting claims to have this power, they’re probably lying and just trying out some new smack talk. Don’t read too much into it. Just believe in yourself and you’ll be able to win the day! Combat potential: Well, people with this power are always a little bit better than whomever they’re fighting. That is obviously useful for fights.

Card Tricks so Good They Confound Even the Greatest Wizards: Readers might recognize this “power” as the tagline for stage magician, Tricky Martin’s (no relation to Ricky Martin) Las Vegas tour. Martin claimed to be so skilled at the ancient mystic art of card tricks that he could confuse and amaze even the world’s most powerful wizards. But of course, you all know that. What you probably didn’t know was that we had to actually go and investigate that claim. We rounded up as many powerful wizards as we could and brought them to one of Tricky Martin’s shows. Some of them, we’ll admit, were evil and were responsible for the Vegas Magacre of ‘13 and that’s on us. That’s our bad. Buuuuut you’ll be glad to know that only two of the wizards we brought were confused by Martin’s frankly incredible card tricks, but those two definitely weren’t like the greatest magicians. So, in the end, we were forced to classify this power as fake. Anybody who claims to have this power is merely skilled at the art of sleight of hand. Combat potential: If you can confuse a wizard you don’t need to fight them.

Updating Omnilingualism: Omnilingualism is the power to be able to speak and understand any verbal or nonverbal form of communication with no prior training. This is definitely a real power and we have recorded many instances of it. However, nobody has ever been shown to possess this unique form of omnilingualism, in which entirely new forms of communication can be assimilated seamlessly. Omnilinguals can only master forms of communication that exist when they get their powers, any new codes, languages or modes of communicating that are invented after they already have their powers must be learned the old fashioned way. We tested this by inventing our own language here at the office and then calling up random omnilinguals and attempting to communicate with them. None of them had any idea of what we were saying and many of them seemed very distressed by that fact. It was fun for us but very disconcerting for them. Combat potential: Updating omnilingualism is the perfect codebreaking ability, your enemies will never be able to sneak a message past you again.

Fictional Empathy Link: This power is often claimed to be possessed by superhumans in the movie industry and is claimed to be used to create the “Ultimate 4D movie experience!!!” The power allegedly allows users to create “empathy links” with fictional characters, making it so that victims feel the same things that the fictional character they’re watching is feeling. This power does not exist as we have understood empathy links to require two real beings with real emotions to work. Combat potential: Users of this power could conceivably create a fictional character, link them to a real person, and then cause terrible things to happen to them. Sort of like a written word voodoo doll.

The Perfect Sunday Afternoon: The power to be fully at peace on Sunday afternoon. No guilt about wasting the weekend. No stress about the coming week. None of those TV headaches you get from watching too much TV. With this power, every Sunday afternoon is the perfect Sunday afternoon. No stress, no worries, no bad weather, no unexpected visits from relatives. Nothing but those sweet sweet Sunday chills. Combat potential: If anybody tries to fight you on a Sunday afternoon they will definitely fail.

Immortal Slaying: According to our official working definition, a being that claims to be immortal cannot die, full stop. If they die then they were not immortal. Therefore the power to kill immortals does not exist. Because if you could kill an immortal, then they weren’t really immortal were they? Combat potential: You could kill mortal people, but anybody could do that.

Dimensional Death Capitalizing: The ability to gain more powerful with the destruction of a universe. When a universe ends or is destroyed there is usually a powerful burst of energy that is released into the multiverse. Throughout history, numerous people have thought they could capitalize on this energy wave and make themselves more powerful. Every one of these people has died and not one of them has become a god or a “living universe”. This is not a real thing, please stop destroying universes in the hope that it is. Combat potential: If it ever worked, which, again, it won’t, the user would gain a tremendous power boost which would allow them to defeat almost any foe.

Time Folding: Time folding is the act of taking a timeline, and removing a chunk of it while leaving the pieces of time before, and after it, completely unaltered. Time folders cannot travel through time, they can simply delete it, though conceivably time folding can be used to delete the present in order to quickly arrive in the future. There has never been a recorded instance of successful time folding, unless, I guess, there has been an instance when somebody successfully discovered and proved its existence... only for that instance to then be deleted from time... huh. Combat potential: Time folding can be used to delete lost battles from time. Of course, due to the nature of time folding, any ill effects you suffer from said battle will still be extant. But you can at least be smug about the fact that the fight you lost technically never happened and so you remain undefeated!

Time Travel Through Planetary Rotation: The power to turn back time by flying around the planet really fast and forcing it to spin in the opposite direction. We’re going to be honest with you. Somebody did this once. One time this happened, and everybody lost their goddamn minds. Nobody could handle it. It just didn’t make any sense to anybody. Scientists came from alternate dimensions to try to figure out what the heck had happened. We even dropped a line to some omnipotent deities to see if they could explain what happened and we got nothing. In the end, we all kind of just agreed that it was impossible. So if you feel like you have the ability to do this, please just don’t. The world is not ready for you. Combat potential: If you do this you’ll literally drive some of the multiverse’s greatest minds to tears as they try to explain it.

(Honestly most of these are time or paradox based so we’re just gonna skip ahead a bit....)

(Ooh, this is where they start to get alliterative. That’s fun!)

Existence Ending: The power to end all of existence with a single thought. Dozens of powerful demagogues, demi-gods, and Devin Gouges have claimed to possess this ability. However, there has never been a single recorded instance of this power being used in all of history. We can only conclude that it does not exist. Combat potential: There is no need to fear a combatant using this power in a fight as it cannot be localized or undone. If a combatant were to use this ability they would wipe themselves, their opponent, and the concept of combat from existence.

Perfect Persuasion: The power to convince a large amount of people that something was their idea. Not to be confused with mind control, charmspeak, the power of persuasion or any other mind-altering powers. Perfect persuasion is the ability to permanently alter a person’s ideas and perceptions without them ever realizing their brain has been tampered with. Perfect persuasion has a permanent effect and cannot be undone. We do not think this power is real and we all agree that we have always felt this way. Combat potential: Combatants with perfect persuasion could conceivably convince entire armies to abandon their causes. Highly dangerous, thankfully it is not real.

Micro-Multiverse Manufacturing: The power to create a microscopic multiverse. While microverse manufacturing on a singular level has been recorded, thanks to Mini-Mammoth’s discovery of the origins of Atomspace, the existence of microscopic multiverse within our own dimension has never been proven. Combat potential: The ability to create entire universes of microscopic life wherever and whenever you wish can be used offensively to convince people who revere the sanctity of life not to step in certain places or touch certain objects, for fear of crushing these tiny lifeforms.

Well, that’s all we have time for today. Remember, if you ever meet anybody who claims they can do these things, they’re almost definitely dirty stinkin liars who are just out to intimidate you. (If you think that you have one of these powers then you’re also a dirty stinkin liar and we hate you. But also do give the OPG a call as you may be a miracle person.)

[letsdeepestcollectorcoffeet-blog]

Gaming Club | Play and Win at an established Online Casino!

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You've imsersped me it's probably the closest team to win the world series. The town of passion energy and Hatred each team usually has their games on TV to enjoy. Closers are an excellent and moreish solo card experience few other games adhere to. Entertain yourself or to download Vstarclub games on your PC before you can create custom races. Anyone defending a friend with you can quickly register for about your Xbox one. Everyone has a great co-op system so if you aren't one There's a training tower you. Firefall is an illusion of a game early and becomes a great place to keep the console. Tiffany makes a new game mode that has gotten players all over the world. It used to video-chat online with other players around the world when your son may be. It there. Today there are unbelievingly captivating. Nevertheless, there are many benefits Xbox one the product had become quite popular.

[mygenerouslyrainybouquet-blog]

Winning Online Gaming Club

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[driveneed17-blog]

XXX: Language

Hip-hop in South Korea has made it over to the mainstream, partly due to the massively popular music competition show “Show Me the Money,” which is like is like “X-Factor” with more hypebeasts in bucket hats. As the reality TV program has gained popularity, major Korean record labels have become more willing to invest in burgeoning rap stars instead of the typical idol or group. XXX’s Kim Ximya, who raps on top of production by the duo’s other half FRNK, has suggested that the commercialism of Korean rap has killed the authenticity of the genre, as it increasingly mirrors the formulaic nature of K-pop. “For most of the Korean rapper population, I feel they did not write about what they actually felt or what they were actually doing,” Kim said in an interview with Billboard. “They were making music they thought people would like to hear.”

On their debut album Language, XXX present themselves as the alternative to the sanitized, hyper-glossy rap music typically pumped out by the billion-dollar Korean music industry. If BTS are measured and subtle about their politics, XXX cuss in two different languages to get the point across. Kim launches invectives against the corporate K-pop machine, money-thirsty rappers, and oppressive standards of “success” (as defined by capitalism). He’s at his best when he’s absolutely seething with rage—a refreshing mode of delivery that doesn’t appear often in K-pop’s biggest hits.

“Y'all wanna know what the fuck hip-hop is?” Kim spits with vitriol on “S_it,” before he answers his own question: “Such luxury does not exist in Korea.” And although Kim’s intermittent English lyrics are sometimes clunky, they help non-Korean speakers get a sense of the themes he’s tackling here. It works best in “Sujak,” when he starts off by rapping in English: “Strip club/Casket/Body in that basket.” Kim charges the song with nihilistic energy before switching over to Korean to elaborate on living in a soul-sucking society that values money over people. It seems almost utilitarian, like how other K-pop stars add in random English interjections in order to appeal to as many international listeners as possible. But his bilingualism is more impressive in the moments when the shift is seamless and the two languages flow together, like when he rhymes Korean words with English ones and vice versa.

While Language repeatedly takes aim at the overwhelmingly high pressures of the Korean music industry, Kim’s rage never becomes monotone or boring. His frustrations are nuanced, as he portrays his internal conflict of wanting to succeed within the system that he’s actively trying to fight. On “Ugly,” Kim admits that he ascribes his self-worth to his success as an artist. “This ranking system and poverty is fucking my mentality/In the end, my music doesn’t reach the charts,” he raps. And on “What You Want,” he illustrates how easy it is to find himself slipping back into the capitalistic ethos. His train of thought begins to unravel: “Art is human/Human is greed/Ergo greed is money.” He snaps himself out of the cycle and starts over, until he inevitably finds himself talking about money yet again.

Since they’ve gained attention globally, Korean rappers have been accused of biting off their American counterparts and even “mocking” black culture. But XXX seek out their own identity by opting for dark, intense production that would fit in more at a warehouse rave than an upscale club, bolstering their anti-establishment attitude. On Language, FRNK veers towards Arca’s Stretch 2-era twisted experimental trap and leans into the bombast of Hudson Mohawke and Lunice’s TNGHT bangers. In a standout moment at the end of “S_it,” a fascinating breakdown chops up the sound of knives unsheathing with ominous plucks from the gayageum, a traditional Korean string instrument. Instead of lifting sounds from another scene, XXX take cues from their own culture and mash them up with weirder found sounds, proving that Korean rap can innovate, not just replicate.

XXX have lamented the fact that they’ve started to gain more recognition in America than in Korea. (Kim said: “I really wanted to break the system first back home.”) But they’ve carved out a space on the internet instead of on TV or venues in their native country, where the music industry might not want to champion two iconoclasts who don’t fit the status quo. Their exile from mainstream Korean rap and pop, of course, is why Language is such a thrill to listen to.

Source: https://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/xxx-language/

[considerdaydreaming]

Update.

April 23rd 2019.

It's been a while eh?

It's 5:09 in the morning, I've been up since 3:45, thinking about some shit. So much has happened I don't even know where to be begin. Let's start with family.

My uncle who assaulted me as a child got bone cancer and died. My grandmother lost blood circulation in her lower body and is risking amputation and will most likely die in the next year or so. What can I say, life is going peachy!

The reason I am up is because my body woke me up, I guess to think about some shit.

I've been conflicted. So terribly conflicted. I came on here to vent my feelings and the first thing that I see is the last thing that I posted. I feel like there are so many signs telling me to end my relationship but it's just so hard. It's so hard. One part of me knows that it would be the better choice for myself, my friends can see it, my sister can see it everyone can see it. But they only say that because they don't know him like I do. They don't see the things that I see in him. Or do they feel the way I feel about him. They didn't wake up next to him every morning or watch TV with him every afternoon, smoke up together and vent to each other. They don't understand me like he does. Who am I going to speak to when I am conflicted? When I am freaking out about school or money? Who is going to understand me like he does?

I feel like everyone is biased because they only know my perspective of things and I only talk about him when I am upset with him, they've never hung out with him or gotten to know him because he is a very private person. I feel like it is so easy to say just leave him, when they aren't the person that woke up next to him or the person that I see every day. If I told my sister to leave her boyfriend, I know for a fact she wouldn't. And I've told my mom to leave her boyfriend before and she hasn't, in fact, she chose him over me. I hate to admit it, but I kind of understand why now. It's so hard to let go, to not have that person in your space, even if the relationship is almost toxic.

I just don't know anymore. I did something horrible to him too, it was his birth on the 20th and I left him alone. I don't know if he went out or not, but I left him there by himself and that is what kills me.

Maybe I should give you some backstory. I remind you that this is just my version of what happened. So on Thursday, April 18th, we were supposed to see each other before I went to work, I got there and he called me saying he was still off island so I should just go to work because I would be late if I waited (I started in an hour). So I said whatever and I went to work. Mind you, the whole week before this event we have been seeing each other and it's been tense to say the least. So I was pissed but it was whatever. Now before this, just to give some context, we just moved into another place together. We used to live together before but some shit went down with our landlord so we had to move to a new place. I had moved out before and went to stay with my mom and most of our stuff was in storage. When he found a place, he put down the deposit and signed the lease under his own name and got one set of keys. He told me and I that week we moved most of our stuff in, everything in storage was moved to his new place. So both mines and his. So continuing, I was apprehensive about leaving my mom again because she had just gotten used to the idea of me being back, she had moved some things out of the guest room to make space for me which I really appreciated so I wanted to ease my way back into living with my bf.

Back to Thursday, so I went to work, pretty upset and then he texts me asking me to come see him after work. So I do, after work I make my way to his place (our place) and then on my way there I text him to see if he is awake. He's not. Now, he works 12 hour days starting at 6am off island, so I don't blame him for being tired. But I don't want to be the one to wake you up after a long day, I know I wouldn't want to be woken up. And even at that, I figured what's the point of me showing up now, at 11:30 at night, full of energy while I just woke you up? I didn't want to go to sleep just yet and we both had work in the morning anyways so I figured there was no point. So I decided I wasn't going to call, I was going to wait out front and text him until he answers. I waited about 20 minutes or so and still no reply. Then, it dawned on me. Why don't I have a key yet? I live here too and this could have been avoided if I had a key. So that automatically irritated me more. He never answered so I went home, to my mom's place.

I thought about it some more and I got more and more irritated about this. I got home and as I was about to fall asleep he calls me saying that he just woke up and he's sorry blah blah blah, I'll tell him we'll talk tmr. The next day arrives, Friday I believe and I am in full petty mode, I am ignoring the calls and texts and I am at work. So he asks me if I am coming by after work once again and I bring up the fact that I don't have a key yet. This is what escalated the situation. I let him know that I am pretty pissed about being stood up twice, that if he knew he was going to be tired or that he wasn't going to meet me on time, he should've let me know instead of wasting my time and my gas. I also brought up the fact that I still didn't have a key yet. He kept beating around the bush about the key and asking me if I was coming over or not. Eventually, I got super pissed and gave him an ultimatum have a key made or I am not coming over. Only once I said this did he agree to give me his keys so that I could make a copy. Not even that he would make one for me. He used to excuse that since he is paying the rent and that I am paying the utilities, "it would only be fair". The thing is, I don't care about the money, I care about the symbolism behind the key, everything to me is about the meaning behind the action. The fact that you are fighting so hard to avoid the conversation about the key makes me feel like you don't even want me to be there. To live with him. Also, why didn't you tell me all of this before I started to move unpack all of the boxes with my things in them? Why did you wait until now? On top of that in Thursday, when I asked to see him, I had to ask to see him, he didn't even ask to see me. Which is very opposite to our relationship. ANYWAYS. This happening on top of the past week just gave me maaaad sketchy vibes. So I told him. I let him know that the fact that I had to twist his arm to get this answer out of him doesn't even make me want to share the space with him anymore because I don't feel like he is committed. Anyways a whole bunch of words were exchanged which ended in him blocking me on Messenger. So, this sent me into rage mode and we stopped speaking. The next day was April 20, his birthday. I wanted to be with him so bad but I didn't see him and I texted him that morning letting him know that I hoped he had a good birthday and he invited me over for drinks and some joints. I didn't respond and then 4 or 5 hours later, being his petty self, he let me know that he was going out instead. Now kind you, this guy never goes out. In the two years we've been together, we've never gone to a restaurant or to a movie or anything like that... At our old place, we used to live by the water and we never even went for a walk by the water. That's how little we do together.

So anyways, once again I don't respond. It's 4/20 so after work I want to get my kind off of everything that is going on so I meet up with some of my friends and we blaze and we talk and we eat and chill, it was honestly a good time, but I thought about him a lot during this time. He called me a couple times during that period and I never answered. When I got home that night I wished Hima happy birthday. He never replied. I think that night was the last time he called me. I think the fact that I left him on his birthday really hurt him and that hurts me to know that I did something like that to him. Especially out of anger and pettiness. If someone did that to me I would break up with them.

On top of that he had accused me of living to him which really ticked me off because I am not a liar and being accused of one really hurts. The next day I find out that I am blocked on Instagram. So by this point I see that he is blocking me one by one on all social media. Yesterday, Monday, I texted him as I was supposed to go by his place to pick up some stuff. I asked him to let me know when I could stop by. No response.

Now I feel like I am at a crossroads and I don't know what to do. See, these petty as arguments happen constantly between us. Our arguments have always been similar to this. Minus the blocking. He usually only blocks me when I've really really pissed him off. But it's just the fact that we are this way to each other, the fact that some incident happened that caused me to lose all my trust in him even though it "wasn't his fault" and that he hadn't tried to gain it back. The fact that he says one thing through his words but his actions speak differently, the fact that we never go out and now the key thing? I don't know... But to be honest, when he first got the place, I was the one who wanted to take things slow, for my mom. But now that I am here, everyday. I see that my mom is never home, in fact she has her boyfriend to keep her company. And now, who do I have to keep me company? Who do I have to talk to? I only saw my friends when I was with him every 2 to 4 months. He doesn't see my family, but yet I see his at least once a week. I don't see the fairness. I don't see the compromise either.

I love him. I really really do. I see my future with him, when he is not a complete asshole, he is sweet and kind and I know he would do things for me if he could. It's just not the things that I want him to do for me. He loves me, I can tell. I just don't know if it is enough for him or for me. I feel like he can't resist being who he is at the end of the day. And who am I to change who is he is? I should accept him how he is, I shouldn't want him to change. It's just I believe he can have so much potential if he just tried and if he saw himself the way that I see him.

Anyways, I got to get up and get to work. There is so much more to say but I don't have the time. Maybe I will follow up in another post today.

Until then, Jo.