#or when I moved up the ladder at the tutoring service it was during Covid and I had to work so much harder because
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#i’ve been working through some stuff in my head#and I’ve realised that so much of my life I’ve occupied the spaces in-between#like I acheived certain things in my life because I was literally the only one who stepped up#but it was also like. I wasn’t the first choice for something I was always just what was available#or I tried to carve out something for myself and it ended up either being taken away from me or getting ruined somehow#like when I was in the pipe band I became drum major because I was literally the only drummer (not that anyone really liked me…#i was just. the only choice there was until someone else came along).#or when I moved up the ladder at the tutoring service it was during Covid and I had to work so much harder because#we just didn’t have a full team.#or when I had to do my undergraduate thesis by myself because also covid#and now having to do my research project basically 100% by myself because my advisor ‘‘can’t’’ advise me#(except he can apparently write me some exam questions next semester)#idk I just feel like the extra frozen water on the side of the ice cube tray of life#and now I’m in Canada and I’m trying to make a place for myself#I want this to work out. I want to be able to solidify the life that I want without having to live on the fucking edge#I’m tired of staying in my ‘lane’ when my ‘lane’ has always been ‘standing on the side to let others pass’#Listen up queers I am allowed to take up space and I am occupying this part of the lane#if you don’t like it then you can make your own fucking lane#I’m just trying to make a life in this ridiculous precarious world I don’t want to have to play it safe anymore#I want to get into a PhD programme and study what I want to study#I want to meet someone I can trust with myself when I’m fragile and someone who trusts me with themself when they’re fragile#I want to live in a house I don’t have to worry about losing and make enough money to live comfortably#I want to stop merely surviving and start *living*#and I’m going to do everything in my power to achieve that
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