#or well. i am not constantly nauseous on an average day in a way i would notice it. but when you take hat away it's one of those

[perilegs]

i'm going to be honest the mix of only 2 workdays + living alone + school + not much sunlight is not great for me

[steviescrystals]

its 5am and i can’t sleep and i have to ramble about something (a few somethings actually) bc i cannot stop thinking about it!! this is really just for me to get my thoughts out bc they’re driving me crazy, but on the off chance anyone reads this, prepare yourself: it’s about to be a very long post.

i have so many chronic issues — both physical and mental — that i’m just used to dealing with at this point, and i’m only just recently realizing how not normal they are?? the main thing that’s driving me insane lately is just my overall physical well being, like it’s just so… not good lmao. i’m extremely anemic, so i’m basically exhausted and lightheaded and dizzy and nauseous pretty much all of the time which is just awesome for me, and it’s been even worse than normal the past few months bc i have a ton of food issues that just keep getting worse (caused by a super fun combination of depression, disordered eating, constantly being sick, and just general stomach issues). my diet is really just all over the place and definitely not as nutritious as it needs to be, which as you can imagine does not help all the health issues i already have! on top of all that, i was finally diagnosed with adhd earlier this year after spending forever 1) constantly learning that a lot of things i had always thought were just “me things” were actually symptoms 2) being told by so many people around me WITH ADHD that i seemed like i had it, and 3) outright asking various psychiatrists and doctors to test me for it. because of the shortage on adhd medication, i only recently was able to get a prescription, and (this is where the relation to food comes in) literally no one — not my doctor, not the psychiatrist who prescribed it, not the pharmacist — thought to tell me that the medication i’m on lowers your appetite?? i only found out bc my mom, who’s a nurse, mentioned it one day and was shocked that i didn’t already know that was a side effect. so that sucks because i need the medication, but i also need to be eating a lot more than i currently am (especially because i’m also taking iron supplements for my anemia, and if you don’t eat enough while taking them, they make you sick). so! that’s all great for me!

i’ve also had chronic headaches since i was 11 years old that have continually gotten more frequent and more painful over the years, to the point that i get them almost every day and have taken advil, tylenol, midol, etc. so often that i’ve pretty much built up a tolerance to them and they do essentially nothing for me anymore. they’re usually just really bad headaches, but sometimes i get full-on migraines, and when i ended up in the ER in the spring (long story), the nurses told me i’m likely developing a migraine disorder. this is kind of just an unfortunate fact of life for me now since it’s been going on for eight years, but i’ve just been thinking about it a lot lately bc of a psychiatrist appointment i had a couple months ago (lots of various appointments lately but not much has gotten better… lol). when i was telling the psychiatrist about my headaches, he told me that the average person gets a headache twice a year, which just… genuinely blew my mind. like, i cannot imagine not having this problem. what a nice life that must be for the average person. and i mean, i’ve always known that i get headaches way more often than most people, but i truly could not wrap my brain around the difference being that extreme. i literally started asking everyone i knew how often they got headaches bc i was so surprised and curious, and they all told me they just never get them?? like that is insane to me, i’m so jealous.

okay last thing for now: the reason i’m still awake rn! i started struggling with insomnia when i was maybe 11 or 12, and just like with the headaches, it’s gotten worse and worse over time and i’ve just kind of grown accustomed to it. it always takes me hours to fall asleep, and i have a very hard time staying asleep — i usually wake up in the middle of the night at least two or three times a night. it’s another thing i knew wasn’t super typical, but it’s not insanely uncommon either. but that same psychiatrist had a statistic for this too, and he said that the average person wakes up in the middle of the night ONCE A YEAR (under normal circumstances, so not counting things like being sick or having abnormally high stress levels). he also asked me how long it takes me to fall asleep again after waking up in the night, and i said “not that long, like half an hour usually” and he quite literally just stared at me and said “yeah so that is long actually.” like, i know not everyone has insomnia, but this whole time i thought that everyone who DOES have it would have generally the same experience as me, and apparently that’s just not true lmao. in fact, he said my insomnia is so bad that i have what’s called terminal insomnia, so i guess this is just my life forever! how fun is that!

so that’s pretty much all i wanted to say (she said as if she didn’t just spend 30 minutes typing all of this). whenever something like this is on my mind, it makes it even harder to sleep than it already is all the time, so i figured i’d just come on here and word vomit for a while. i don’t expect anyone to read all of this (or any of it tbh), but if you have, thank you for listening! i hope you have a great day and get a better night’s sleep than me tonight :)

[organiclifestylemagazine]

How I Fixed my Knee Pain

At 18, when I weighed more than 300 pounds, in a momentary lapse of judgment I decided to ride an electric scooter through downtown Atlanta. This did not end well for me. I hurt my knee so badly I couldn’t walk on my own, I needed crutches. By the time I could walk on my own it was painful to stand up. I was sitting down all the time. The injury took months to heal. I was out of work for more than a week. When I got back into work the job had become very difficult. Walking up and down the stairs and chasing the kids was agonizing.

A few months later I moved in with my father, and I started exercising and eating right. Today, my knee pain is almost gone, but not completely. When I do feel knee pain it’s the first indication that I am not taking proper care of myself as well as I need to. I feel it when I eat restaurant food (even the healthiest), or anything processed. I feel it if I eat corn or wheat. I feel it if I don’t have my daily salads. It keeps me on track.

My knee keeps getting better and better. What I am doing is working. I am now sharing it with you. This is how I lost 150 pounds and fixed me knee:

Strength exercises

Squats were instrumental in building up the strength in my knee. Squats are generally one of the most beneficial exercises you can do to improve mobility and bodily function. They mimic natural movement that we used to do in nature. We used to squat to use the bathroom, to harvest food, to hunt, to stay inconspicuous, to simply take a break, etc.

My knee would pop a lot when I first started doing jiujitsu, 6 months ago, and usually popping made it very sore. Every time it got sore it felt as if it got a little stronger.

Running also helped. Being active in general promotes healing and is usually the best way to heal an injury. I use Vibram Fivefinger shoes. I used to have flat feet that would exacerbate the knee pain, but they have strengthened into healthy arches. I think this is in large part due to running in the Fivefinger shoes. Flat feet cause the knees to buckle which causes the hips to become out of alignment.

Related: Running Without Knee Pain

My Workout routine

I work out intensely every day. I run a mile, weight lift and do bodyweight exercises for between 30-45 minutes, and train Brazilian jiujitsu for about three-five hours a day. This wasn’t always the case though. Prior to my knee injury, I was not active at all, and for months after my knee injury, I couldn’t so much as walk up the stairs without feeling discomfort, let alone workout.

When I did start working out, I ran into problems. I wasn’t able to squat as low as I wanted to, and when I ran my knee was extremely sore. While my knee tried to heal, the arches of my feet would both go out of place giving me problems when I ran or even walked. One of my arches was so flat my shoes were two totally different shapes after I wore them in. As I tried to fix that problem, my right hip (the hip of my injured knee) would continue to go in and out leaving me with an uncomfortable pinching feeling in my hip.

Supplements

I use deep tissue on my knee to promote healing when it gets sore, or when it pops.

I also take B vitamins and vitamin D to help with soreness.

Thyroid issues

From years of antibiotics and other prescriptions, I developed thyroid problems in the form of constant chronic neck pain, amongst other things. The thyroid problems got radically better so much so that I didn’t even notice them for months. When I began doing jiu-jitsu they showed up again. My neck is often sore or stiff from training and on bad days I’ll develop a headache. When I started training more intensely (multiple classes a day) my endocrine system would crash, physically unable to keep up with my workload due to a weak thyroid. I would become extremely nauseous and fatigued and would often throw up. These crashes would put me out of commission for as long as three days at their worst. My thyroid continues to get stronger, and I take glandular supplements on a daily basis to help build a stronger thyroid and prevent crashes.

Related: Holistic Guide to Healing the Endocrine System and Balancing Our Hormones

Diet

Diet is always the most important part of healing and recovery. No refined sugar, no gluten, nothing inflammatory. Lots and lots of vegetables, grains, and legumes. I eat salads every day (recipes).

I cook all my own from scratch, everything minimally processed and as natural as possible. When I buy food from the grocery store I look for food with as few ingredients listed as possible. When you’re trying to get well don’t trust anyone else to cook your food, not a company, not a restaurant, not other friends and family.

If you’re interested in learning more about how I eat, check out these articles.

Related: How To Heal Your Gut 

Sleep

In order to allow my body the time it needs to heal I have to get at least eight hours of sleep a night. I generally average closer to nine, or ten hours a night though with how much I work out. Sleep and diet go hand in hand. It’s impossible to be in perfect health if you’re not consistently getting enough sleep each night, but in turn, it can be difficult to get quality sleep without a healthy diet.

Fixing my diet was the most instrumental part of fixing my sleep. After fixing my diet, I had to develop a routine for sleep. Picking your wake-up time is easier than picking your bedtime. Decide when you want to wake up each morning and stick to it. For me waking up at a certain time made it easier to assure I was going to bed at a certain time.

As we’ve all heard before, you should avoid using your phone right before bed. I’m bad about this, but what I do that I highly recommend is programming your phone to go on do not disturb every night before your bedtime. My phone goes on do not disturb at 10, and I’m asleep by 10:30 at the latest, but usually by 10, I’m already laying down in bed.

Related: How To Detoxify and Heal From Vaccinations – For Adults and Children

Injury prevention and recovery

One injury in one area affects more than just that one area! I learned that my weak thyroid causes flat feet, which cause one’s knees to buckle, making me more susceptible to knee injuries and making it very difficult to heal! My knee has caused hip problems and problems with the arches of my feet. Be willing to work in areas beyond just what’s injured and see how being in tune with the whole body can make a big difference.

Many people don’t understand all the areas in which a healthy diet benefits you. People still think too much of your health is left up to chance. Someone who eats a healthy diet is less prone to injury and takes less time to recover when they do get injured. A healthy diet makes for stronger bones, a more resilient body. I cannot stress this enough, you are what you eat. The old saying reigns true to a degree most people don’t realize.

One of the most important parts of healing and recovery is knowing your body. This comes with eating right and taking care of yourself. If you constantly provide your body with the right stuff, it lets you know what it needs. Rest is important. Often times we don’t need nearly as much recovery time as we think, but it’s still important to take time to figure out what you need.

Please keep in mind that if you’re on a weight loss journey that isn’t finished yet and you’re ramping up your workout routine you are likely going to run into problems other people won’t. They may be insignificant. Your back may be a little sorer, the arches of your feet may have a hard time staying in place properly, but with the proper diet, you can make it out the other end stronger than most. Be patient. Some of these problems can take months or years to completely fix.

I’ve lost 160 pounds and I’m healthier than most anyone I know, but I still run into problems I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been heavy and if I didn’t still have a few pounds to lose.

How I Fixed my Knee Pain was originally published on Organic Lifestyle Magazine

[marshmallowprotection]

Xbaksbidhd ive heard a lot about people gaining weight cos of quarantine but i?? Lost weight?? My average used to be 107lbs but now its 103lbs, and sometimes goes to 101lbs which is overall fine (not bmi-wise, but its not threatening so idrc). I mean, im not complaining, i just find it a little odd, bc i always feel like i eat more when im at home... oh but now that i think about it, sometimes it takes me all day just to finish a measely breakfast cos my meds suppress my appetite completely, no matter how physically hungry i am ┐(‘～` )┌

I forget to eat like all the time. Probably would only eat dinner if i didnt need breakfast as a cushion between the two different pills i take in the morning (the one time i didnt, i felt so nauseous).

Oh- scenario popped into my head! Hehe. I doubt saeyoung would let something like this slid, like he'd polly understand that its hard to eat sometimes, but i do know that its still necessary... unfortunately. Dont get me wrong, i love food, but it takes time to eat, time i could spend doing other things. Same goes with sleeping. I'd rather stay up drawing or writing or doing whatever until i feel really tired and then go to sleep, and then wake up before 9am the next day. (7am on a school day.) Im aware its not really reasonable but eh. Sleep is waste of time. And i can run on 3 hours no problem. Aaaaand i went off on a tangent, whoops lol

Hmm.. oh right. I swear im so bad with remembering to eat, i even forget to eat the food sitting right in front of me ^^" im only ever hungry in the late evening, and even then if im hyperfocused, i'll ignore my hollow stomach until its too distracting.

Saeyoung would have to seriously be creative to get me to actually eat for once my goodness. Like maybe i'll eat half of my tiny, pitiful breakfast, and then i'll just forget about the rest lmao

[417]

Weight fluctuates constantly between the same 5-10lbs as you get older and you’ll know water weight as well as just a change when you’re more active and when you’re not. So, that’s nothing to worry about. You need to set timers or like reminders, because of my condition, I have to eat smaller meals throughout the day and I do it with a timer because it’s easier to remember that way. It’ll be the same theory for folks who eat 3 meals a day. 

That being said, Saeyoung has the same issue and the same idea. Everyone gets to eat at the same time. There’s a point of making sure that everyone in this house eats, because between him, Saeran, and you, well, only one out of three are actually doing things on time. So, get ready to hang out with everyone during the day for family bonding time over snacks. 

If that doesn’t work, then you can count on a Meowy timer. She’s going to meow at you until you fucking eat. She will not hesitate, bitch. Saeyoung can’t even say a word because he told Meowy to do it. Help. 

And if all else fails, just texting each other reminders at certain times!

[unrelletable]

The first thing I do when I enter any kind of new environment is to check out if I am the skinniest girl in the room. If the answer to that question is yes, I then usually proceed to relax and enjoy whatever activity I am there to do. It happened while I was in school, when I volunteered for a local non-profit organization, when I worked as a waitress for two months. But also when I started my six months internship, when I looked for my current flat, and it still does when I go shopping for clothes or when I take my dog out for his daily walks. I am pretty sure that this is going to be the first thing I will make sure to be aware of when I enter the first class of the year in a couple of weeks. And I guess it is needless to say I am quite tired of it.

I have never become fully concious of this little trick my brain plays on me until one day I found out that I had gained weigth. And people around me started to make me aware of it. I am not talking about pounds and pounds, but since I had been extremely thin for almost ten years, every new kilo showed on me. Even a single one. People had been complimenting me for my shape, and I had always thanked out loud my fast metabolism for it. When actually years before I had lost a considerable amount of weight due to pretty heavy treatments I had to go through because of a bone cancer. So we were definitely not talking lucky genes back then. In order to gain that weight back - we are talking about around fifteen kilos: I was 163 cm high and right after my last treatment session my body did not weigh more than 37 kgs - it took me quite a few years. According to the medical tables, my weight was finally considered healhty for my height, age and sex two years ago. Which meant that it took me exactly eight years to go back to be in an average shape. 

But this is not what society and diet culture made me believe for the most part of those years - and still does. I can not recall how many times people had made amazed comments on how great I looked and how hard they wished their body could process food as fast as mine. I have always considered these affirmations as positive and never - even for a split second - questioned the fact that a visibly underweight body was considered the dream body by so many people. I was grateful for being so thin, and I have enjoyed fitting into the smallest pieces of clothing without the need of holding my breath or sucking my tummy in. Until I had to. 

As I said, my current weight is perfectly average. I am not either too skinny or chubby. My tummy shows little rolls when I sit, but looks flat when I stand. I still wear size 4 jeans and I have never had to buy something sized M yet. I guess I still fit into the thin category, so according to the society that glorifies thigh gaps and visible collarbones I should not worry. Just yet. Unfortunately though, the diet culture we live in began to pull its strings on me at the very moment when I realized I was no more the skinniest girl in the room. 

I do not know what came with the conciousness of being the girl who weighed less than any other. Probably the fact that I was succeeding at something, and that I would be noticed for it. I do not like being the centre of attention, but I literally loved when someone would point out how thin I was and started asking how I could manage to keep my body so fit. I have never explained the actual reason why I could wrap my fingers around my wrist and a twist them leaving out a considerable amount of space. Firstly, because I was not at a point in my life where I felt confident enough to speak about my cancer diagnosis, even though by that time I had completely healed; secondly, because I liked the fact that people thought that the shape of my body was something I had to take credit for. It made me feel as if I stood out in the crowd, not realizing that it was for a completely wrong reason. 

The actual moment of realization that I had some issues about the way my body looked came around a year and a half ago, but I would say that did not have much of an impact until the beginning of the new year. By then I had found a internship and even though I had planned to, I did not have much time to invest in working out. Everything changed with the coming of Covid and the following quarantine: having tons of free hours felt like an obligation to exercise. And so I did. 

Chloe Ting became my workout pal and the background music of her Five Weeks Shred Challenge’s videos my nightmare: I sweated for almost an hour every single day for more than a month and restricted my diet to the point where I would allow myself a treat only on Sunday. The very first weeks were the absolute worst: my tummy would groan constantly and I would feel hungry all the time. I would wake up hungry, be hungry after half an hour from breakfast, not feel satisfied at lunch and dinner, and I would literally go to bed with a hole in my stomach. The only snacks I had was fruit, and I did not eat any kind of carbohydrates apart from pasta at lunch. No bread, no biscuits, no crackers. For a good four months. Eventually my body got used to the lack of food, and started to burn calories from the inside. I lost a couple of kilos and my abs started to show, my legs became definitely more toned and I was almost completely cellulite-free. 

But all I would do, all the time, was thinking about food. I would count down the days that were left until Sunday every week, and when that day would come I binged like there was no tomorrow. Causing myself to feel extremely nauseous for the next couple of days. In case I would eat something prohibited during the weekdays, I would feel extremely disappointed with myself, as if a single teaspoon of chocolate cream would actually make a difference. I would weigh myself almost every morning and feel an ache of pain in case the scale would detect a couple of hundred grams of difference from the previous morning. My goal was to finally gain a body like the ones overcelebrated on Instagram, but luckily I did not.

Around the middle of August it finally struck me. I had listened to one episode of a podcast series - for my fellow Italians, I am talking about Palinsesto Femminista - that shed the light on the topic of body positivity and its actual mean. It took me a good couple of days to process all the amazing things I had heard on that hour long conversation involving one of the two founders of the Belle di Faccia association, but eventually it did. I was minding my own businesses trying to decide whether I was allowed a slice of bread with Nutella for breakfast and all of a sudden I found myself asking Being skinnier would make me actually happier? And the straight answer to that was no.

I would love to say that for the past month it has been a walk in the park and that I have not felt guilty eating while eating crisps or having cookies with my morning tea, but I have to reckon that there has been a change. When I work out, I do it because I like the sensation I get aftewards and not because it would get me a step closer to my dream body. Even though I still eventually think that I will go back to eat in the way I did during quarantine, I have decided that in that case I will not restrict myself like I used to. I have realized that I want to eat clean for my body to feel good, and not in order to avoid a couple of tiny rolls on my stomach. I had to brainwash myself out of the concept that what I see online is the actual reality and that it should be the norm. Every body should be valid, regardless of their weight or shape. No one should feel forced to starve themselves in order to comply with an aesthetic that is simply not realistic. I have to say that online accounts like the ones of @/namastehannah and @/danaemercer have had a great impact on my approach to exercise and reality in the past months, and in case you are struggling with the same kind of unrealistic expectations about the way your body should look like I highly recommed that you check them out. 

After six months of ups and downs in the relationship with my body image, I have come to the point that I definitely should try to worry less about the way I look. I went through something similar with the acceptance of my face, and back then not having to wear make up for half a year thanks to the fact that I had to look after to kids and knew no one in the neighbourhood kind of made me become more confident with showing my bare face. And since I had the chance to do it all over again thanks to self-isolation, I have learned to become familiar with the sleepy face I see everytime I wake up. And I have to admit that I actually started to like it. I am sure sure if I will brave enough not to put any kind of make up on when I go to classes, but we will just have to wait to find it out. Who knows.

Thus I am hoping that I will be able to go through the same process with my body as a whole as well. I am now concious of the fact that I do not have to necessarily love the shape I am in, but I simply need to accept it for what it is and all the things that it allows me to do on a daily basis. I now know that it can change a thousand times during my lifetime, or even a single day, and regardless of it, it will always be worth. Let’s be honest, most posts of flat tummies and toned booties are edited or posed anyway. So what I am going to try to do is to let go of these insanely unhealthy expectations and focus on what makes me feel good. Regardless of those around me or those who pop up on the explore page.

- body image issues and other stories

[lovemesomesurveys]

List three people you've had crushes on.: I’ll do celebrity crushes: Alexander Skarsgard, Joe Jonas, Johnny Knoxville. Have you ever been in love with someone that you watched from afar?: Not in love, but had major crushes on in high school. How old were you when you started your period?: 13.  How old were you when you had your first crush?: The first one I remember was in 3rd grade. How old were you when you were first head over heels in love?: Not until I was like 23.

Has loving someone ever made you miserable?: Yes. How bad are your worst cramps on a scale of 1-10?: I actually don’t get my menstrual cycle anymore due to health reasons, but back when I did I had horrible PMS/PMDD and my cramps were killer.  Have you ever thrown up from cramps?: No, but I felt nauseous and sick and pretty damn close. I used to have to take Dramamine because it got so bad. List three people you had a hard time forgiving.: Myself. There’s a lot I don’t forgive myself for right now. I forgive others a lot easier.  Is there someone you are currently struggling to forgive?: Like I said, myself. I’m hardest on myself.  What is the most physically painful thing you've ever experienced?: Pain from surgeries and chronic back pain. Do you have an embarrassing period story? If so, what is it?: No. Have you ever had bad cramps in class?: Yes. Have you ever thrown up in school? If so, what happened? Once. I was in 1st grade, I think. I just remember rushing out to the trash can. Have you ever left school because of cramps?: No. Did your school allow you to have pain medicine on you?: They didn’t know. Did your school have a nurse?: My elementary, middle, and high school did.  When was the last time you threw up?: Almost 2 years ago, but I came very, very close on a few occasions a couple weeks ago. Have you ever tried to starve yourself in order to lose weight?: No. Do you ever comfort eat?: I used to do that all the time. I was a major foodie a few years ago. My appetite and eating isn’t what it used to be anymore. Have you ever thrown your phone across the room in anger?: No. What was the name of your first crush?: Philip.  Who was your first celebrity crush?: Aaron Carter. How old were you when you lost your virginity?: I haven’t.  If applicable, what form of birth control do you use?: What is your sexual orientation?: Straight. Have you ever questioned your sexuality?: Nope. Are you happy with your gender?: Yes. What gender do you identify as?: Female. What gender were you born as?: Female. Do you identify as "religious"?: Yes. What spirituality are you?: Have you ever tried drugs?: Just weed. Have you ever gotten high off a prescription medication?: Yes. Not for the sake of getting high, but the pain medication I take and others I have taken in the past had that effect on me. Still do sometimes even though I’ve been taking this one for years. Have you ever been drunk?: Yes. Have you ever smoked pot?: Yes. Have you ever smoked a cigarette?: No. What's your favorite drug?: I don’t do any. What's your favorite alcoholic beverage?: None. I don’t drink anymore. How old are you?: 29. Do you drink regularly?: I don’t drink anymore. Are/were you abused?: No. Do you have a significant other?: Nope. If yes, are you happy in your current relationship?: If not, are you happy being single right now?: I’m just not happy in general. Do you want a significant other?: Part of me does, but I know I couldn’t handle that right now. Do you take drugs or drink to numb your pain? I take medication to help numb the pain.  Who is your current crush?: I don’t have one. Who is your current friend crush?: I don’t have a friend crush. Has a friend ever broken your heart?: No. Is your love life history tragic or magical?: Hahah definitely not magical. Not even close. Do you have regrets?: Many. :/ Do you prefer tampons or pads?: I don’t have a menstrual cycle anymore. Have you ever used a tampon?: No. What's your bra size?: 36B. Do you have a hard time finding bras in your size?: No. Can you still wear clothes from the children's section?: I could wear a shirt. Are you lonely?: :( Do you have allergies?: Yes.  Are you in control?: I haven’t felt in control in a long time. Do you have a relationship with God?: I do. It’s something I build upon everyday. What size pants do you wear?: 1. Do you wear girls, juniors, or women's clothes more?: Juniors. Do you HATE people who are controlling?: Well, yeah. How old were you when you started to have acne?: Like 13. Did your parents give you "the talk"?: My mom did. How old were you when your parents talked to you about puberty?: I don’t remember exactly. I want to say maybe 11 or 12. Do you like going to the doctor?: No. It’s something I have to do regularly and I hate it. Do you like going to the dentist?: Noooo. What's your favorite part of going to the dentist?: Absolutely nothing. Do you feel average?: I am very average. Do you feel insecure?: Always. Do you feel alone?: Yes. Do you feel exhausted?: Always. Do you feel depressed?: I am depressed. Do you feel anxious?: Yes. Are you haunted by your past?: Yes. Who's your best friend?: My mom. How often do you pray?: Not as often as I should. <<< Same. :/ Do you keep a journal or diary?: This is it. Do you relate to the characters in books?: Yeah. The books I read always have characters I relate to. Who's your favorite Disney princess?: Ariel.  Do you think you are attractive?: No. Are you happy with the way you look?: No. Especially not now. I have neglected myself in a lot of ways and haven’t taken good care of myself these past few years. Do you look more like your mom or your dad?: My mom. How many siblings do you have?: 2. What song describes your life?: Beautiful by Eminem has a lot of relatable lyrics. Do you cry a lot?: Yes. Are you sensitive?: Very. Do you take medication every day?: Yes. Do you take vitamins?: No, but I’m supposed to. Are you a meat-eater, or are you vegan or vegetarian?: I eat meat. I’m not a big meat eater, but I do eat it. Especially chicken. What's your favorite color?: Pastels.  Are you unique?: I don’t feel I am. Do you feel blessed?: I know I am in a lot of ways, and I need to acknowledge those things more but it’s so easy to focus on the negative/bad things and on what I don’t have. :/ Who is your favorite person?: Alexander Skarsgard. Has your favorite person ever hurt your feelings?: He could never. Do you write in cursive or print more?: Print. I only use cursive for my signature. Do you like to write?: I used to. Do you like to read?: Yes. What are your favorite types of books to read?: Fiction, YA/NA. Do you have neat handwriting?: No, my handwriting is shit. List three people you who you think are good role models.: Hmm. List three fashion trends you love.: I don’t keep up with any. Are you a trendsetter?: Ha, no. Do you like fashion?: I care about being comfortable and wearing what I like. Do you enjoy shopping?: Online shopping, yes. What stereotype do you fit the most?: I don’t know. Are you your own person?: Yeah. Are you a risk-taker?: Nope. Do you like fantasy better than reality?: Reality bites. Do you have "female problems"?: Are we back on the period stuff again?

What are you longing for?: Good health and a life where I’m actually living. Have you ever contemplated suicide?: Yes. Have you ever self-harmed?: Yes. How many people have you known who were suicidal?: A few. Do you get bullied constantly?: No. The only mean person to me is me. Are people jealous of you?: There is no reason to be. If you're a worshipper, how do you worship?: I worship God. How many tattoos do you have, and what are they of?: None. Do your tattoos have personal meaning to you?: If you don't have any tattoos, do you want one?: There’s one I’ve wanted for years, but I’m a big baby. Do you have your ears pierced?: Yes. Do you have any other piercings?: No. If not, do you want any other piercings?: Nah. What is your first and middle name, and do you like them?: Stephanie Anne. It's very boring. <<< My name is Stephanie, too! My middle name is also a simple one like that. What do you want to name your first daughter?: I don’t plan on ever having kids. What would you name a son?: Do you dream about your wedding day?: No. I don’t plan on ever getting married, either. What's your favorite food?: Chicken tenders, boneless garlic parm chicken wings, potatoes in various forms, eggs in various forms, pastas, ramen, and burritos. Do you have a secret you want to tell someone?: No. Have you ever had a friend turn on you?: Yes. List three friends who have turned on you.: Blah. List three people who have bullied you.: No one ever has. Do you have anyone you can trust?: Yes. What country do you live in?: USA. What's your favorite pain reliever?: I take prescription paid medication.  What do you do for cramps?: And we’re back to this. Do you wear make-up?: Very, very rarely now. Who has the cutest baby/babies you know?: A few of my cousins. Do you have a lot of people blocked on facebook?: No. What is your natural hair color?: Dark brown. Do you have a morning routine?: Medicine, coffee, Bible study.

[lifeasabashly]

A very raw post on pregnancy and my symptoms.

Damn son. Like literally, damn you son, you cause dis mama a-whole-lotta drama already! But no, I know you’re not trying to make my life miserable little mate but it’s hard not to feel that way a lot of the time. 

Pregnancy. Not enough people talking about how shit pregnancy is.

First off, I do want to say that I feel extremely lucky that it was so easy for me to get pregnant and it was definitely in our plan. I know there are a lot of women and men out there desperate for babies and life’s so unfair and hard and I hate that I can get pregnant our first month trying while others can’t ever or even adopt or whatever. It’s just bullshit. I also know I am SO not worse case scenario pregnant experience, this is just my experience and I am a A star complainer. 

So while I am grateful every day that I’m soon going to have a little sprite to call my own. Today I'm gonna spin some yarns about how average it is actually growing a human inside you. Yarns that I can read back and go, that’s right - don’t do it again you stupid girl! So if that is a trigger for anyone please don’t read. And of course, it will be in bullet point form because I live the #bulletpointlife.

I’ve been nauseous before. If you’ve read my blog you’ll know this. I like to drink.I like to drink in a way that is not socially acceptable. So I’ve felt nauseous and had a HEAP few times of cradling the toilet bowl. Being pregnant nauseous is different. I expected it to be this tiny little spew/burp thing in the morning and then done for the day. “Morning sickness” - what a crock! How about all-day, all-night power chuck material. Even when you have nothing left in you (because you’re too damn nauseous to eat) you’re just there dry-heaving to your hearts content. 

Heartburn. Again, not just a night time thing. Not just a when you have too much coffee or the wrong food, just any time, all of the time. Since about the 25 week mark. If this kid didn’t have a name already, he would definitely be coming out a Bernie!

Now for the real juicy stuff. Constipation. Another fun and exciting experience that’s not talked about enough. I don’t think I’d ever really been constipated until I was pregnant. I had never sat on the toilet for more than an hour, in tears wondering if this was really it for me and little mate altogether. Only with the help of prunes and cutting out the extra iron I was prescribed did it start to improve. And when the culprit finally came out, it felt like knives slicing me apart from the inside. And not just a one time event either! It was incredibly painful and horrific, especially seeing blood afterwards. 

Back pain. I thought back pain wasn’t going to be a real dampner on my life but it is. By the end of most days I can’t even walk properly, so getting up 4-5 times a night to pee becomes even more of an event. 

That brings us to sleep. I don’t do it. I mean, I sometimes do it but just for 1-2hr stints. Yeah I know, it’s preparing me for when I’m feeding with a newborn, sure. It doesn’t stop me hating it now. I don’t have a newborn, yet I’m supposed to be getting as much rest as possible?! Ha, good.one.body. I am so exhausted constantly. 

And probably the most surprising and overwhelming symptom has been my turbulent mental state throughout the whole process. Being pregnant has made me less confident, less positive, less motivated and basically made me feel like half the person I usually am. I’ve found this really challenging in a work environment, at home and in terms of the relationships I have with people. I’m just not myself and that’s hard. I usually know me better than anyone. 

So there you have it .My main woes and groans. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve had other problems too but these were the shining starts of pregnancy that I really wanted to get out there in the universe. And hey, it’s not over yet! I’m only 34 weeks. If I’m lucky there may be a few more to come! 

So now that I’ve got that out of my system, I promise my next post will be about the cool things going on with pregnancy as well as other jazzy life shit that’s happened. 

[kagemane]

When we talk about how poor the American healthcare system is, many of our first thoughts are to those who cannot afford any type of insurance, and while that is a huge deal and definitely needs to be addressed, I want to talk about the people who do have insurance but still cannot afford to get health care.

I have insurance through my employer. Every week, $32.94 of my paycheck goes toward my insurance. That’s $131.76 a month and $1,712.88 a year. My deductible is $1,350.00 - that means I need to pay $1,350.00 out of pocket before the insurance company will even pay anything toward my health care costs. Which really means, I need to pay $3,062.88 of my own money a year before my insurance company will contribute. 

And what I’m paying for is the most basic package because I cannot afford to pay into something better. This number is solely for a single person, and the weekly payments are fairly low compared to what a lot of other Americans pay toward their insurance. This is for a single person. People with partners or children will see this cost exponentially increase. 

That $1,350.00 deductible will only be chipped away if I see doctors who are in network. Which seems fair enough until you need to see a specialist. Trying to find a good, compatible specialist in network can almost be impossible depending on where you live. Even if you can find someone, that specialist is most likely going to have a rather significant waiting list.

So what do you do? What if you absolutely need to see someone right away?

You can:

Wait to see that specialist who is in network and hope nothing gets worse - but you could still need to pay them out of pocket anyway if your deductible has not been met

Find a specialist who is out of network and definitely pay out of pocket, though you probably cannot afford it and could now be looking into serious medical debt if they will even see you

Go to urgent care, wait for hours, and hope it’s something they may be able to assist with - chances are they will refer you to a specialist anyway

Just don’t go anywhere and continue on with whatever is wrong until it gets to the point that:

You have go to the ER - definitely accruing medical debt or

You die.

While I appreciate what former President Obama was trying to accomplish with making it mandatory for everyone to have healthcare, he was unable to implement it in the way that it needed to be implemented. That was not completely his fault - the push back from the Republicans is what really created this bastardized version of “universal healthcare” we have today. 

Right now, you are penalized every year if you do not have insurance. In 2017, it was 2.5% of your annual income - it’s expected to increase for 2018. This penalty could equate to less than what you pay if you have insurance, but you’re expected to pay this in whole come tax time - an extra expense most people cannot afford.

Due to the greed of the insurance companies, pharmaceutical companies, and corporations as a whole, many Americans are paying into healthcare they cannot actually use. They cannot afford the out of cost price to even get through their deductible, so they either end up in further debt or continue to exist with whatever ails them. 

As of 12/12/18, here is a breakdown of moderate to severe mental and physical issues I cannot completely afford to take care of due to high deductibles or no coverage at all:

CTSD (continuous traumatic stress disorder)

Depression, anxiety, and disordered eating 

Chronic fatigue - has been getting considerably worse over the past few months to the point I’ve been sleeping 12+ hours on my days off and sometimes oversleeping on days I do work

Wisdom teeth removal

Tooth decay - I am completely dependent on sensitivity toothpaste at this time and even then I still have moderate discomfort

Bone spurs/calcium build up/loss of movement in my right shoulder - this happened to my left shoulder as well; the bone spurs caught my tendons and began to rip at them which then caused frozen shoulder

Hand pain/arthritis

Constant nausea - most food causes me to feel like I’m going to vomit, even when I don’t eat I feel mildly nauseous

Fevers when I start my period

Intermittent pain/bleeding during intercourse

Literally a growth in my uterus that I need a biopsy on 

Due to other life expenses and debt - mostly caused by medical reasons - I cannot afford to get treatment on all of these issues in a timely manner. I’ve been prioritizing my mental health, which means my physical health will have to continue to deteriorate until I’m in a more mentally secure place. 

I could actually have uterine cancer - cancer has been the cause of death for practically everyone on my father’s side of the family - yet I cannot afford to follow up on it because I have suicidal tendencies and may literally kill myself if I don’t continue mental health therapy. It hurts my teeth and makes me nauseous to eat, I’m constantly tired, and my right shoulder has been dramatically losing it’s range of motion...but the only thing I can do at this time is take care of my mental trauma so I can stay alive. 

To make matters even more fun, my counselor isn’t even in network so my visits are not reducing my deductible at all, but she’s been the only effective therapist for me. We should not have a system where I need to choose between a good fit therapist or someone who will be cheaper yet not help me in the long run. We should not have a system where someone has to chose between dying due to their mental health or dying due to not being able to follow up on their physical health. 

The point in me sharing my health concerns is not to throw a pity party, I can manage, but because it’s so common place in America right now that what I’m saying is probably relatable for far too many people. It’s probably even laughable to people who are going through much worse situations. The point is, this is common right now due to our current healthcare system and it’s absolutely disgusting. And if you don’t believe that this is “normal”, ask people you know when the last time they even had a standard check up was; don’t ask your well off friends or friends who have good insurance, ask your “average” friends. 

So if the employer based insurance can be so awful, why not get private insurance instead?

To be frank, private health insurance is completely unaffordable for most Americans. Just a quick search on Google states that for a single payer, the average cost is $440 a month for private insurance in 2018. That’s more than double what I pay with my employer based insurance. While the coverage and benefits may be better, it’s not an expense that is feasible for most Americans. 

Additionally, not everyone will qualify for the ACA. Even if you do, you’re going to find it is mostly those high deductible plans as mentioned before. Their monthly cost may be lower than the other private insurance, but you’re still in the same situation where you may not be able to pay through the deductible which means little to no medical visits. 

So why not find a job with better insurance or go to school to get a job to afford better insurance?

Both of those are completely unrealistic solutions. 

First, just up and finding another job is not an easy task. It takes time to fully look into companies, apply, interview, and even then you probably won’t get the job. Most companies will not disclose to you what their health insurance plan is either; they will tell you they offer it but not if it’s a high deductible plan or a copay plan. Additionally, most corporations do not even offer copay plans to their standard employees anymore as they are more pricey for the company overall.

Starting college so you can “get a better job” is not something everyone can do. It does not matter if you’re going for a trade or a degree, college takes time and money to complete. Not everyone has that time, energy, or the financial ability to do so - especially if you’re already dealing with debt and mental and physical issues.

It’s incredibly ableist to assume people can “just go back” to college or trade school. Nor is it a good mindset that only certain people should be able to get health care, that it’s something to be “earned”, when we as a whole society have the means to provide for everybody. 

The government absolutely needs to get more involved with what they allow corporations and insurance companies to get away with when it comes to healthcare. Healthcare should absolutely not be a commodity, it should absolutely not be a business, it has to be a basic human right. 

We allow these insurance companies to make these ridiculous packages where they may never even have to pay a single cent of their own money to most of their subscribers. The corporations have the choice between spending more on their employees and offering the actual good insurance people can use or they can cut corners and costs and offer their employees the high deductible plans instead. Both of these statements are crazy on their own, but combined it creates a cataclysm in society where the life expectancy is literally going down for the first time in history because people cannot afford to get the treatments that they need.

It’s 2018, almost 2019, that is so unbelievably messed up that I find it hard to wrap my mind around it. We absolutely have the means to take care of one another, to create a healthcare system that is not made to create profit but to help each other instead. That’s the whole point of society. We have created these large communities to help one another, not use one another for material greed - yet saying otherwise is considered “revolutionary” and that’s completely unacceptable. 

There is no logical reason we allow this to continue. There is no emotional reason we allow this to continue. There is no reason at all for us to allow others to suffer when we have the means to contribute and take care of others who need it, whether that be with healthcare, food, shelter, or otherwise.

Capitalism is a disease which has unfortunately infected a vast amount of people in America and elsewhere. There are people who legitimately believe that food, water, shelter, and health are things to be earned and things to make profits from. Resources that are essential to survival should never be seen as a way to make money. 

Humans do no exist for profit - no life should exist for profit. 

This mindset of “us against them” or if another human-being “deserves” human rights needs to be 100% destroyed. Our planet is literally dying, our animals are literally dying, and our fellow humans are literally dying in this toxic, capitalist system we have created. The planet and ourselves cannot be sustained in this type of society. 

A select few people are murdering us so they can continue to hoard their wealth and pit the rest of us against each other. We are in much larger numbers than them and we have the ability to make meaningful changes - we need to do so. 

We need to stop being silent when we see injustice and let these people know we will not tolerate this decay any longer. Our future sincerely depends on this. 

[sending-the-message]

HOW TO BE BEAUTIFUL AND THIN by Skelethin

Hello everyone, so, uh, I want to be beautiful and thin. And I’ll tell you exactly how you can too!

There’s a storm deep within me that’s dying to get out. It’s a storm of rage and self hate, constantly gnawing at my fat to escape. I must admit, I’m not fat and I never have been. I have always been a size small, since I’m 5’3 and 105 lbs to begin with. What hurts more is that I’m simply average. Normal body, normal size, normal everything. I’m considered “normal thin”, and not fat nor skinny. I’ve never been anything special. I’m 15 and I frequently enjoy, well, different things than your average teen. I’m obsessed with books, and only classic literature. I only listen to classical music and I play a few instruments, as well as spend my time writing poetry and practicing ballet En Pointe.

Anyway, now that you know a little bit about me, I’m here to tell you exactly how I got thin and beautiful. So, I had tried everything at this point; being Vegan for a few months, which resulted in Anaemia, I tried the Keto diet, which also didn’t work. I even tried diet pills, which no, did not give me a tapeworm. I will admit, I was losing 4 pounds per week, but that’s simply not enough. How do people even have the patience to diet for months while losing as little as 1-4 lbs per week? I didn’t. I had to find a way to speed up the process. I stumbled across a diet known as an “Ana Diet”, unbeknownst to me, it definitely would work. It was on some website called “AnaBones4evur.com” and i figured it was a spam site at first, since it popped up like an annoying ad on the bottom of my computer when I was searching other legit dieting websites. This one didn’t seem professional, as it was a minimalistic page. The font looked as if it were tipping and falling off the page, as well as little blue sparks were glitching all over the deep black wallpaper of the website. I looked closer, and I noticed that the millions of little blue sparks that were glitching were in fact mini pixel butterflies. Strange. There were only a few links displayed on the page, which were clearly misspelt.

There was an “Abooout”, an “FAQ”, a “Store” And a “Dietes, Tricks and Ttipss”. Now, I know what you’re thinking, clearly it’s a fake scam website as all the red flags were there. Mind you, I was absolutely desperate to lose weight. As silly as this sounds, I couldn’t just be happy and satisfied with a body like any average girl. I wanted mine to be surreal, angelic, ethereal, like sharp jagged bones protruding like glass. So first, I clicked on the store. There weren’t many items being sold; just scales, measuring tapes, laxatives, diuretics, exercise merch, and a bunch of purple bracelets with the same bluebell butterfly symbol on them. The prices were all surprisingly low, and I hoped that the FAQ would say something about the butterfly, so I clicked on that next.

There were only 5 Questions with short non-detailed answers below. It’s weird, since all the questions seemed odd but well punctuated, and the answers from the website host was misspelling everything and often using foreign letters such as “ ç, ż, ł, ß, æ, ø, œ, ü, ę, ŵ, etc.” It was strange. One of the questions was “How long does it take to lose about 60 lbs?” And the host answered “well, if you follow all the ÅNNNNÁ rules, then you will lose 60 lbs in about 5 months. Usūally yoau losę 8 pounds p3er ŵeek (((:” the rest of the questions weren’t very important. So I clicked “Abooout” and it was also short paragraphed. It looked a little like this:

“Hallo And Welcym freinds!!! U are now part of the ÁnNa famly. Everywun who joyns, is my fellowe sister or brothear!! U can onlye be acepTed on 1 Condishin. You MUST FOLLEW allkklllllll the rules. If u fail to follew evry rool, u will be BANNED FROm THISE WEBSIGHT. How will I Kno if u breyk a rule?? TrUuuuuust me. I kno. I am Alwaus Watching u. It u sighn up here, I Will Automauticalli have Access to sey what u r doing 24 HRs A DAY. SeveRe Punichment will come ur way if u Brayk a rule.

Remember, have Fün and liive Dangeroushly!!”

Xoxoxo- MIA

Finally, I clicked the diet, tricks, and tips. All of them were normal enough, at least at first. “Eat only X amount of calories per day” and the punishment is, if you eat over 900 calories then you will have severe nightmares for 8 days. You have 3 strikes. If you go over 900 for the third time in a row, you will have severe physical pains. I don’t believe in a lot of supernatural stuff, I mean, I believe in ghosts, but not that some random person on the internet has the power to control your mind and your body. You have to exercise until you faint, if you stop exercising and you’re still able to walk and stand fine, then you aren’t doing it enough. You must count and measure everything that goes in your mouth. You must make yourself throw up in case you accidentally consume a little extra calories. I hate vomit, but if it will make me lose weight, I will do it.

So I tried. On August 1st I began my diet. I restricted. That was the main word etched in my mind: Restriction Restriction. Other words were “Willpower” and “Self Control.” I have the willpower to restrict my calories, and I feel like I am the Goddess of my own body. I have immense self-control that people often express how jealous they are, that I easily decline delicious sweets being offered to me. Every time my stomach rumbles and moans and screams at me for my cruelty, I smack it and tell it that it’s not hungry, just bored. Who knew that feeling hungry and empty felt so good?? The “full” feeling I used to feel when I ate normally was disgusting. Bloated belly, full of food, now is empty shrinking belly. I feel so weightless, like a feather. I hated vomit, but soon I began to vomit 5 times a day. I never went over my calories. I was gonna be the one to do everything perfectly so I can impress Mia. I will be the number one winner in her dieting contest. She will absolutely love me. She expresses adoration for me already. Her little voice in my head constantly praises me after a good purge.

September 10th: I feel so nauseous. My bones ache and my whole body is sore. I think I worked out too hard last night. My breath still reeks of last nights vomit even though I brushed them like, 12 times. I had to tell people my teeth are yellow because I ate something that contained food colouring. It’s tiring, having to pretend to make breakfast and lunch so my dad thinks I’m eating. Luckily he’s the only person I live with. It’s crazy how the only reason I manage to get out of bed is so I can weigh myself. The scale is my religion. I hated math, but now I love it. I’m the best at counting calories and measuring the size of my waist and my thighs, and that number that drops every day is amazing. I weighed in at 83 lbs today. My dad doesn’t know since my old clothes are the only thing I wear, and they’re huge on my delicate and dainty figure.

October 1st: I can’t even move. My long pretty fingernails are yellow and brittle and they constantly fall off whenever I scratch my dry, itchy head. My once thick mass of luscious blonde hair is dirty and greasy and stringy, falling out in clumps when I brush it, when I shower, and when I wake up. My skin feels like a snake; patchy and scaly. I’ve always been pale, but never like this. It’s a annoying how everyone asks if I’m sick or if I have a fever. They don’t know. They’ll NEVER understand. I’m constipated so I have to rely on 15 lax a day. I can’t sleep because I’m so hungry, and when I do sleep, all my dreams are food-related to me binging, and I wake up in a panic, crying since I think it’s real. I can’t walk 3 steps to my own bathroom in my own room. It hurts. I want to pass out and pant heavily whenever I walk up the stairs, as it feels as if I have walked 30 miles. I resorted to crawling everywhere. Sometimes, my dad has to carry me.

November 1st: I hate my my life. I used to have depression before, but it’s never been this severe. I feel like the more weight I lose, the more depressed I get. MIA LIED. She said I’d be happier once I’m thin. She promised I’d look like one of those models in the VS show. They don’t look as dead as I. My dad is a mortician, and he constantly remind me that I look and feel like a dead body. I’m cold, my skin is so so cold. I’m cold. I wore Uggs, Sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and thick blanket in 105 degrees and I was shivering and freezing. Every time I stand up my vision fades to black and all these black little dots dance around my blurry vision. It’s like when you stand up too fast you get dizzy spells, except it happens to me all the damn time. I have to lay down 4 towels on the toilet seat to go pee since it hurts my bones. I have to sleep on 5 blankets since it hurts my bones. I can’t sit on wooden chairs because it stabs my bones.

Everyone says they’re worried about me. Teachers pull me aside, my ballet instructor, the nurse, store owners when I go and order a Diet Coke during lunch rather than actual food. I don’t even look twice at the display of pastries. I’m successful. Everyone says I’m too thin and I need a doctor, blah blah blah. They’re wrong. They have no idea how long it took for me to get here. They have no idea how I desperately needed this. They have no idea all the effort I put. They need to appreciate how beautiful I am. I thought they’d praise me. They’re just denying I’m beautiful, they’re all jealous. They stare at me with haunting and pitying eyes and whisper behind my back. They gasp and gape at my body wherever I go. See how jealous they are? They want to be me. They’re just saying I’m dangerously thin because they wish my body was theirs. Well, I had to work for it. If being thin was easy, everyone would do it. We live in a world of gluttony where everyone is constantly stuffing their face, whereas I eat every other day.

December 1st: Too weak. Can’t move. I have missed school for a week now. My skin is more blue and purple than white, and it’s not my veins. My lips are dry and white with a slight pale red and swollen shut with dead skin hanging off. I have heavy and thick black bags underneath my eyes. I FEEL BEAUTIFUL. My body is covered in bruises, even though I do nothing but sit on my ass all day watching TV. Mia said it’s okay to stop exercising since I’m so weak, so I deserve a break. My metabolism is dead, and I’ve hit a few plateaus, but I’m almost to my goal weight. It’s funny because my goal weight gets lower and lower the more weight I lose. At 105 lbs my goal was 95. I got there, and I still looked obese. Then it was 85, got there, and still obese. 75, got there, and still obese. I’m currently 68 lbs and my goal is 59. 5 is my favourite number, and 9 is one less away from being the highest and the greatest: 10.

It’s so funny. It’s like I was blind my whole life. I never really thought I was fat, but Mia said to take one good look in the mirror, which opened my eyes, and suddenly, I realised, maybe I AM obese. Soon those protruding bones became rolls of fat and I physically transformed into a monster. My mirror was alive and moving. It kept morphing and twisting and distorting like a fun-house mirror. Why isn’t enough? I think I was born with a special body that can’t be skinny no matter how much weight I lose. That number on the scale will never be enough. It will never satisfy my cravings and my need for skinny. Maybe my goal should be 50.

December 10th: I’ve fainted 4 times so far. I get Charlie horses in my legs every night. My dad says I have low magnesium and blood pressure. As well has dangerously low blood sugar and severe iron deficiency. He’s lying. He just wants to make a big fat ass again. My heart rate is currently 40 BPM. There is one thing that i love, though, and that’s my period. It’s gone. I haven’t had it in forever. My dad keeps crying and getting on his knees and begging me to eat, telling me I’m painfully thin. He’s just MOCKING ME. Everyone who says I’m thin is a big fat liar. They know I’m an obese pig, they just want to lie to me. I’m the only one who sees my body truly for what it is, why can’t everyone else? I know the real me is fat. Apparently everyone else just looks shocked and surprised when I say I’m still fat. “Gaunt Girl” they call me. “Emaciated Evangeline” they call me. “Starving Sister” I’m called. “Skinny Minnie” “itty-bitty” “Malnourished.” Everyone calls me either a zombie, a vampire, or a ghost.

I don’t even FEEL alive. I feel more like I’m existing, but not living. I don’t feel like I have a life. It’s as if I’m a puppet. Or someone is playing with me like an unmoving doll. I can’t breathe, i can’t sleep, i can’t eat, and I feel dead. I feel brain dead. I can’t even move now. I lay on the couch all day, barely moving my head. I can’t even watch tv or go on my phone. I can’t even tell you what I said 3 minutes ago. My memory used to be intelligent and sharp, now I can’t remember anything. My vocabulary speaking-wise is that of a 5 year old. My mind is that of a 5 year old. I dumbed down as my malnourished brain and mental state deteriorated. I am nothing but a decomposing body, waiting to be as light as dust. Soon to be ashes. I can only really remember to speak 5 words “Hi, Bye, No, Yes, Okay.” THIS IS WHAT PERFECTION FEELS LIKE

December 17th: This is Evangeline’s Dad. I found her diary and all the sickening things she’s written in it about her diet and some website. Evangeline Elizabeth Winters was admitted to X hospital at X address for a possible cardiac arrest. It appears she was found unconscious in her bed. On December 16th 10:31 AM. She is thankfully not in a coma. They were able to shock her heart and revive her. It is an utter miracle that she is along the 2% of patients who are able to recover from cardiac arrest.

January 1st: Hello everyone, I’m back! I’m in the hospital and they have diagnosed me with something that ended in “Nervosa” and I can’t remember what the first part is. All I know is that Mia would be so proud of me. I got a message saying “I’m the official Ana of the website.” And apparently Ana is the highest ranking position. There are many Anas, but there’s only one true perfect Ana. Along with Mia, she promised we’d rule together! I can hear her talking in my head already. Apparently I’m forced to be submitted into an Inpatient facility at a mental hospital for a few months, as well as be supervised and regularly see a dietician, a doctor, and a psychiatrist. I did nothing wrong.. it’s just a diet. Why can’t anyone let me be skinny? Why do they want me to be fat?? I’d rather kill myself than be fat.

January 2cd: I managed to steal a knife off of the medical table while no one was looking. It’s 1:30am and I’m going to do the final step it takes to become a true Ana. Cut off the rest of my fat. My bones are in the way, but I’ll find the fat hiding behind them.

This is what perfection feels like. This is what perfection is. Perfection is death. I am thin and beautiful, and I can already see Mia’s shadowy figure smile at me with glowing fangs across my bed.

ThÁbks For raéDjng this And Becum a Membrrr of THe Dïett!!! -Evangel-AÑNÁ

[howtomusicmajor]

Battling Insecurity

The biggest demon of most musicians is a feeling of insecurity. It’s the creeping (or blatant) suspicion that you are literally the worst musician in the world — or at least nowhere near as good as you “should” be. It can also manifest as the idea that you’re going to: get laughed at by your peers, be a complete failure at everything you ever attempt, be revealed as a fraud, find out everyone is just humoring you, find out that your doubters were right, end up completely destitute and have to live in a cave, or possibly just spontaneously die the next time you have to perform. It turns out that all of these worries are 99.999% of the time completely baseless. No, you are not that 0.001 percent case where these thoughts are accurate. Bassoonist Georg, who has never actually touched a bassoon and likes living in caves, is an outlier adn should not have been counted. The thing is that everyone feels like this, at least sometimes. I myself have, at the time of writing, complained at two different people a total of four times in the past week that I am going to end up living in a cave in the North Woods because no one will ever want to pay me for anything because I Suck. This is objectively not true. (You bought this book after all.) It may be a cliche, but there is a lot of truth to the thought that we are our own worst critics. There is no one else out there who knows your musical intent. If your trill doesn’t sound the way it did in your head, you are the only person who knows. Everyone else will think approximately this: “Hey, that was a trill. Cool.” If they’re especially persnickety, they might add “That was a little (better/worse) than when (you/someone else) sang a similar trill.” I don’t think there is a person out there who specifically goes to listen to a performance and thinks “This is awful and this performer is awful,” because most people are very nice. You are the only person there who thinks that you suck. There are ways to battle insecurity, of course. Every performer develops a set of techniques to reaffirm their own self-worth, to calm themselves down, and essentially talk themselves down from the tree their anxiety has them hiding up. However, trial and error can take a long time, and you are going to need your self-esteem shored up a lot in the next year. With that in mind, here are suggestions from performers in college and beyond for how to manage insecurity. Focus on things you’ve improved in the past year. When you start to worry about how obviously you’re no good and no one will ever want to listen to you etc. etc. etc., take a deep breath, then list three things you’ve improved in your playing in the past year. You have definitely improved at LEAST three, if not eight or nine aspects of your playing. Be as broad or as specific as you wish. This is about you acknowledging that you have grown and gotten better, so you choose the things on which to focus. Listen to old recordings of yourself. If you absolutely CANNOT think of a SINGLE THING you’ve improved on in the past year (really? Not even your ability to play a single piece?), then go and listen to recordings of yourself from years ago. Find something you performed in when you were a freshman in high school (or, if you’re a freshman, see if you can find stuff from elementary school!). Go and listen to it, as critically as you can. It will probably make you cringe. That’s a good thing. Know why? It’s because it shows you how much you’ve grown since then. If you fast-forward ten years from now, as long as you have kept playing, I can guarantee that future-you will listen to recordings of current-you with that same kinda cringey feeling. Because, in ten years, you will have improved so much that your current playing will be unrecognizable. And you will be proud. Remember that the goal is improvement, not perfection. Music is not a race. Music is not a competition. Music is an art for self-fulfillment and self-expression. Perfection is impossible. Being “the best” is also impossible - there are seven billion people on Earth (and six in space (I checked!)). There’s always going to be someone out there who has practiced a little longer, or harder, or started earlier, or whose fingers are just a little closer to the perfect shape for your instrument. Your goal, then, should be to improve your own self - no comparisons to others, nothing like that. Remember everyone comes from a different background. That person who sits to you in your ensemble, the one you’re envious of? You can’t know everything about their life. Maybe their parents started them on their instrument at age three. Maybe they haven’t gone out on the weekend in a year and a half because they practice then, or because they work to make up for not working during their practice time during the week. They could have a buttload of debt because of outside lessons. There’s no way to know what advantages or tradeoffs they’ve had to get where they are. Once you’re at a certain point in life, there’s no way to add something to your life without sacrificing something else that you also like. If someone else practices X amount hours more a week then you do, then they spend X amount less doing something valuable to you - work, sleep, other homework, socializing, recharging, etc. They may simply have different priorities than you, and that’s okay. Shut down the voice that compares people. Comparing yourself to someone else does nothing for you. Really. Unless you’re actively studying someone’s technique for educational purposes, comparing yourself to that 5th year senior, or that incredible freshman, does nothing for you. When you notice yourself doing the comparison thing, just shut it off. Practice rebuffing that voice. “Sarah plays really well, yes. When I’ve played as long as she as, I’ll be better than I am now, too!” Or! “That freshman plays really well - I’m glad they had the opportunities they did.” If all else fails, just look at these other people as motivation. Aspire to be as good as them, and use that to fuel your own practice. Just don’t let it spiral into beating yourself up. You’re worth more than that. Directors have a vision. If you don’t match that vision, it’s not a personal failing.This is specifically in regards to auditions or chair seatings. Every musician has a different style and different technical abilities, and that’s okay. Sometimes your skill in a certain area may be amazing, but your tone just doesn’t match the rest of an ensemble. Or your sight-reading is great, but the director prefers someone else’s musical interpretation. That’s okay. There are ensembles where sight-reading is super important, and where your tone matches perfectly. You just have to find them, and you will eventually. Make sure to take care of yourself. You can’t practice as efficiently if you’re sick. You can’t improve as much when you’re always exhausted. Trust me - due to an immune system that works about as well as a mall cop, I’ve spent on average eight weeks a school year feeling absolutely gross. I had to take an incomplete with my private teacher the first semester of my senior year of college, because I was so ill I could barely phonate (mono is a big ball of suck). I’ve been better overall, however, since I started scheduling my sleep and food and socialization times. My calendar has nine hours of sleep scheduled in every night, I have phone calls and coffee dates with my best friends penciled in every week, and food is as regular as clockwork. Why? Because it prevents that nauseous, exhausted feeling of sleepwalking through a ten hour day. Hard days still happen, of course. However, I don’t spend nearly as much time cajoling myself to just keep putting one foot in front of the other anymore. Instead, I’m awake, engaged, and able to complain about things other than how tired I am. Progress! Read up on Impostor Syndrome. Impostor Syndrome is when your brain’s resident jerkwad is constantly suggesting everyone you know is about to find out you’re a fraud. Who cares about any auditions you’ve successfully done. Who cares how good a grade you got last week. The jerkwad yells that you’re faking everything you’ve ever done, and people are going to figure that out, and then you’re going to end up living under a bridge and charging people tolls to cross it, and then they’ll figure out you aren’t even really a troll, and then you’re going to have join me in the cave in the North Woods and eat beetles and moss. That jerkwad is a liar. Even I haven’t ended up in the North Woods yet, and I’m pretty sure I should list “Can BS Real Well” on my resume under Skills. You are a real musician - after all, you play music! That’s it. That’s all that’s required to call yourself a musician. I promise.

[thatslifesis]

POST 3

It’s been a couple weeks since I last posted but that’s because I started with an idea and then my mental health got in the way of things for a couple of days. After those three anxiety filled days I decided I wanted to write about what I was going through. When you are diagnosed with any mental illness by a doctor the first thing they do is pick a medication to put you on to “help you feel happier”. One of the most common side effect of anti-depressants is thoughts of suicide and worsened depression. The first time a doctor told me this I was about 12 years old. I was terrified of taking this mystery pill that could either help or make me even more depressed. That’s when my journey with medication begun and let me tell you my experiences with medication have been hell. Everyone has a different treatment for their depression and some people are lucky and the first med balances them out but I was not so lucky. My first medicine was the reason I went to the hospital in 8th grade because it had the opposite effect. After that I truly felt like a guinea pig the doctors were experimenting on. Some worked and they would have me on the highest dose possible and then I would grow a tolerance to it and have the opposite effect once again.This happened so many times I lost count. Every time I would have to be weaned off of all the medication that made me want to die it made me feel like an addict who hasn’t got their fix yet. If I stopped taking them right away I would go through with withdrawals and would be throwing up and have constant anxiety until I was fully medicated. Even when they were tapering me off of them I would feel like my head is somewhere else like a zombie. I am fully dependent on three different medications at the moment. One of my biggest flaws is I forget EVERYTHING. Being on time and never missing appointments is huge deal to psychiatrists and I’m constantly missing appointments so I was let go from my doctor recently which is not good. The average waiting list for a psychiatrist is 2-3 months. Thankfully my primary care will prescribe me medicine until I find a new doctor. It’s been pretty difficult to get my medicine filled once a month so recently I have had to go without it for a couple days once or twice in the last 3 months. This is what happened to me last week. I take a medication called, seroquel for sleep and mood stabilization and I ran out so I called my doctor and left her messages but could never get to the doctor’s office because of work. I am there later at night and they are already closed when I get out. I didn’t take it Monday night before bed and I woke up Tuesday kinda out of it and a little anxious which I expected but the whole day at work my stomach hurt so bad. Later that night I got really nauseous which is my biggest trigger for anxiety. When it comes to throwing up my body thinking it’s legit about to die. I don’t know exactly why...thanks mom....but I have had this fear since I was 6 years old. At about 3 am Wednesday I wake up sweating. I was up all night with anxiety so bad that I was shaking like a leaf.  I throw up twice and then fell back to sleep until 6 am. The anxiety was back and I was a mess I called out and took my anxiety medication, lorazepam, which knocks me out completely. Unfortunately this is the only way to stop my anxiety when it gets that bad. I wake up and lay in bed for the day I started to feel a little better. I packed my lunch for work the next day and messaged my co teacher telling her I would be there the next day. 6 am hit and I’m back in the bathroom throwing up and freaking out. Called my boss planned on going to the doctor and getting my medicine filled then go in. I was happy to have a little more time to relax and maybe the doctor could give me something to calm me down. The doctor told me to take lorazepam and then go to work. I smiled and walked out with a doctors note “just in case”. I get in the car and start bawling my eyes out because I know I can not take lorazepam then work because I would pass out. I called work and tell them I’m heading to work, on the way there I pull over twice to throw up and I realize I really can’t do this I need to go home. I can’t do my job like this so I call work crying only ten minutes away and tell them I’m sorry then drove back home. The only way to make this horrible feeling go away is by taking the medicine to balance myself out. I took my seroquel at 10:30am and fall asleep from 11-6:30pm. I woke up and felt like a new person, no anxiety and no more nausea. I absolutely hate that I’m so dependent on medication that it affects my health and basically puts the breaks on my life. It isn’t the best when you work with kids who need consistency and it’s hard to find coverage. I’m currently talking to three different doctors and my boss is helping me so I have more time to handle this which I am soooo thankful for! I have a good support system which is a huge help. Moral of the story never forget to refill your prescriptions and  take your medicine EVERYDAY. I hope you enjoyed this post! Please let me know what you thought! If any of you deal with this as well I hope you find your balance soon. Anyway that’s life sis!

XO Dal  

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I did the right thing and called. No one picked up which is totally for the best because I was going to begin by saying I was sick and couldn't talk much.

I'm kind of trying to make sure he's still alive and not making poor choices even though I literally make poor choices everyday.

I messaged and got a reply though so he's atleast alive. I wrote the best message I could muster about it - I know about complex relationships. We both had many and some of them have ended suddenly and completely. This is super heavy to carry. Especially in complexities. And I feel like responsible to know better than the average person. Like for the end of complex relationships. So I can't tell him anything except like everything you feel is okay. Anything really, is okay. You strap yourself in and get ready to ride these next few pages and it's going to be massively terrible at first like soooo many what ifs. What if I did this. Should I have. Why didn't I. For days maybe weeks maybe months you just get to feel shitty until one day it's slightly less shitty.

Like in order to effectively communicate beyond I'm sorry for your loss you have to put yourself in their shoes and find ways to relate and it gives me horrible ptsd flashbacks. Like what did I want to hear?

But I myself am fucked right now. I have zero capacity for daily life and constantly consider a psych hold to the point that I'm like walking to the bus stop but I've gotten no help this far so what is the point

I wanted to die. I guess I mimicked the act. What I'd probably do even though I knew I didn't have the guts or proper tools to pull it off for real.

I took my medication because some day I'll take them all. I laid with my father's ashes, played our song and made bad choices.

I felt... A dissonance relief. Like I've released parts of myself or the toxicity and I regained control like I could've. I could've. I didn't. I could've.

My bad choices will affect things further on as well. I don't feel comfortable going to my friends random wedding invite. I can't even wear short sleeves in 35 degree weather.

I was clean for maybe 4 months? I'm old. I probably fucked up the summer for myself.

I just want to die though. I want nothing more at all than to die. Like number one desire. I can't even regret this when I'm dead cuz I'm dead. It's tasteless to talk like this with so many deaths but fuck I just want to go. Maybe I shouldve gone to the hospital. It's all just surface because I'm a coward. I remember when I wasn't and it was an angry don't care and a calm is much harder to fully engage in.

I took the meds but I've been off them for months. I felt and feel sick from them and like nauseous and lightheaded with like eye flickering. The dose I took can't kill me but my body is not acclimatized anymore. I want to die but I'm no longer immediately trying to. Today I sincerely failed. I didn't even clean up. Threw on a shirt, bought books, got weed. I'm disgusting. A coward attention seeker at best.

So much for dating.

[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

I Have Celiac Disease...but a Gluten Free Diet Wasn't Enough

New blog post! When you research celiac disease treatments, you'll find one answer: a cross-contamination free, gluten-free diet. And, although clinical trials are presently testing other treatments for celiac disease, a magic pill isn't hitting the market anytime soon. But what happens if you're diagnosed with celiac disease and go gluten free like your doctor orders...except this celiac treatment doesn't seem to work? It's a scary question, but one that I know all too well. Why? Because I have celiac disease - and I needed more than just a gluten free diet to heal from my celiac complications.

Here's my story of what happens when a gluten-free diet doesn't work...and my message to every celiac still struggling on the typical "celiac disease diet."

The Diagnosis

On average, it takes six to ten years for someone to receive a proper celiac diagnosis. Thanks to a dedicated doctor, I got "the call" only a few months after my symptoms (acid reflux, stomach issues and random weight loss) started popping up. When my doctor first said "celiac disease," I had no idea what she was talking about. I didn't even know "gluten" was a real word! Yet, even as another chronic illness was added to my medical chart, I couldn't help but smile. I wasn't crazy! There really was something wrong with me! And it could be fixed! Around one week later, I underwent my first endoscopy. The walls of my intestines looked as smooth as the medical bracelet around my wrist, gluten having destroyed all of my villi. It was official: I had celiac disease. One meeting with a nutritionist later, I was sent out with a "gluten-free gift basket" in one hand and a list of "gluten-free" and "not gluten-free" foods in the other. I set up a follow-up appointment with my gastroenterologist for one month later, but no one expected any issues. Adjusting to a gluten-free diet (the year of my senior prom, no less) would be challenging. But if it would make me feel better, I was 100% ready to kick gluten to the curb.

Little did I know that recovering from the damage celiac disease had already caused wouldn't be nearly that simple.

The Setbacks

I was diagnosed in May of 2013. By August, I was still losing weight. It wasn't that I didn't want to eat; I didn't feel like I could. My stomach still rebelled against most foods, even when they were certified (or naturally) gluten-free. I tried eating paleo. I tried eating healthy gluten-free foods, and I tried just shoveling in the calories. None of it was working. Two days before I moved into my college freshman dorm at Point Loma Nazarene University, I spent the morning in the hospital for my second endoscopy and first colonoscopy. Three weeks into my first college semester, I was "that girl." The girl who was losing the Freshman 15 that everyone else was gaining. The girl who panted so loudly after walking across campus that soccer practice seemed like a made-up memory.

So, when my email filled with messages from my doctor only a few days before my 18th birthday, it wasn't a surprise. My colonoscopy images were in. Healed villi. Good. Continual inflammation in the stomach. Bad. A liquid diet for three months on the doctor's orders. If I failed that? Two choices: a nose drip, or a hospital stay. Not mutually exclusive.

The Liquid Diet

I enjoyed a birthday dinner at Chick Fil A and then filled my mini fridge with the protein drinks my doctor prescribed. I lasted two days on the first variety. You start to wonder just how good a gluten-free protein shake can be for you when it permanently stains the inside of your metal thermos...not to mention keeps you constantly nauseous and in extreme stomach pain. The second brand was better: allergy-friendly juice packs and protein mixes meant for kids 14 and younger. But I still felt alone, not only among "normal" college students but also in the celiac community. I'd never heard of any others with celiac disease going on a liquid diet. However, recent research has proven that I'm not the only one who experienced continual inflammation on a gluten-free diet. The University of Chicago found that intestinal healing can take up to two years, particularly in those diagnosed later in life. Meanwhile, a 2009 study concluded that it is "exceptionally rare" for celiac adults to exhibit "normal" intestines, even after following a strict gluten-free diet for 16 months. Adolescents with celiac like myself aren't immune to these issues, either. One 2008 analysis of 45 children treated for celiac disease discovered an increased presence of T cells, one sign of inflammation.

This gluten free care package? Not enough...

What am I trying to say? Not that those with celiac disease shouldn't go on a gluten-free diet or that celiacs can't benefit from a gluten-free diet. Following a gluten-free diet is still the main celiac disease treatment, and that shouldn't change. However, not everyone heals at the same pace or by only using a gluten free diet. And, for some celiacs like me, healing may not happen until doctors take extra steps to help...or until you hit rock bottom.

The Hospitalization

I was the oldest patient admitted to the children's ward in the gastroenterologist wing of my hospital. I'd just turned 18 a few weeks before, but when I stepped on the scale - clothes on, breakfast eaten - I weighed 83 pounds at 5'3". The liquid diet didn't work. Now, it was time for the last resort.

I don't remember all the details of my hospitalization, likely because of the malnutrition and vitamin deficiencies discovered by my doctor. But I remember tearing up as a feeding tube was forced up my nose and down my throat. 

I remember the night a neonatal nurse had to be called to replace the IV in my hand.

And I remember the morning rounds when doctors and trainees would gather around my bed. They said words like "celiac disease," "failure to thrive," and "uncertain causes." My doctors used a similar vocabulary. They didn't know why I wasn't healing on a gluten-free diet like normal. They didn't know when I could return to college, which I stubbornly refused to drop out of for the semester. 

I stayed in the hospital for four days. In fact, I wrote the final research paper for my politics class in that hospital bed. And then I went home, feeding tube intact. At the time, my doctors wanted the feeding tube to remain indefinitely. Yet - like I shared in one of the most popular blog posts today - I hated the thought of returning to school not only as the skinny hospitalized chick, but also as the girl with the nose tube and feeding-machine backpack. So I didn't. The day before I went back to class, I pulled out the tube and watched as it disappeared into my bathroom trash. My doctors were giving me one shot. Could I eat - or, more precisely, could I heal - on my own? It was time to find out.

The Turning Point

Honestly, I don't know what flipped the switch for my body. But, after being hospitalized and fed who-knows-how-many nutrients each day through the feeding tube, I slowly started healing. (And by slowly...I mean months and months). I could eat (gluten-free, of course) without stomach pain. I was still thin, but I no longer looked like a skeleton. My hallmates decorated my dorm door with a "Welcome Back" sign, and, in a way, I felt like I was welcoming back the old Casey.

Besides my hospitalization, though, I took several other steps to help give my body the boost it seemed to need. I cut out dairy when I noticed how much it bothered my stomach. I eventually discovered the low fodmap diet and pinpointed several foods - like garlic, onion and mango - that turn my tummy into a time bomb. (And I slowly reintroduced other high fodmap foods, like avocado and beans, that I could and still do enjoy today). I also began exploring yoga, stretching my ability to relax and meditate as I stretched my body.

Basically? I tried to listen to my body extra closely. I avoided (even the gluten-free) foods my stomach didn't seem to tolerate at the time. I also ate to my appetite, even when my hunger was insatiable. (For over a year after my diagnosis, I remained at 88 pounds, no matter how much food I packed in. Looking back, I'm guessing all my calories were being spent on healing). Slowly, I learned to trust what my body was telling me...and, slowly, it started doing what it was supposed to do in the first place: thrive on a gluten-free diet. 

Today

I have celiac disease; today, however, my celiac disease is officially in remission. I am thin and lose too much weight when stressed, but I am healthy. And I am so grateful for the doctors who were willing to take the extra steps that my body needed to heal. 

Love this post? Show me by tweeting! Just click here: "Why a #glutenfree diet wasn't enough to heal this #celiac. #hospitalization #liquiddiet #health via @collegeceliackc http://bit.ly/2qQ3MCB"

I'm not a doctor. I don't have the answer to why some people diagnosed with celiac disease heal immediately on a gluten-free diet while others, like me, struggle. I do know, this, however: if you have celiac disease and a gluten-free diet doesn't seem to be 100% working, you aren't alone.

You aren't the only one who needs to avoid more than just gluten in order to feel better. You're not the only one who is taking (or took) a year or more to feel "normal" after a celiac diagnosis. And you're not the only one still searching for that right mix of treatments - whether it's the right diet, the right doctor or just the right amount of time - to help you feel your best with celiac disease.

After I was hospitalized, I made forever friends. I fell in love for the first time and later survived my first heartbreak. I graduated college with a 4.0, and was accepted by a fully-funded grad school program. I am doing better than I ever thought I would be as I felt that feeding tube scratch the back of my throat.

My main hope? Someday, you'll be able to share a similar story: the story of how celiac disease might have kicked your booty a time or two, but you won. And, now, you're rockin' life while gluten free. What is your celiac disease story? Did you find that going gluten free wasn't enough? Tell me in the comments below!

via Blogger http://ift.tt/2r53K4F

[gooeyguy]

email to my teacher (warning alot of personal stuff)

Hey so, sorry to email you out of nowhere like this? But i feel like maybe im finally at a point where i can explain more thoroughly why im having trouble with school or just succeeding in general. I think its really important that i tell you some of this junk because theres a chance it might make the rest of the year easier for you and me.

I wanted to start off with apologizing for all the trouble ive caused you throughout the year with the annoying comments, disruptions and backtalk.  And most of all the terrible ability i have with doing and turning in work.

This email is mostly to explain my situation and reasoning for acting/struggling the way i have been (not to annoy you or be sarcastic).

Alright so, if you havent noticed i struggle with some things and one of them i never really bring up is ptsd. I have been diagnosed and im hoping to enlighten you on my specific issues with it, (everything i mention will apply to me as to make it less confusing from here on)

 I have a specific type of ptsd called Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma) This type of ptsd is different in that it results from repetitive, prolonged trauma. My causes for being diagnosed are specifically natural-detachment from my mother and physical/sexual abuse growing up and some other things im not going to mention.

My side effects from this are,

Attachment – "problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to other's emotional states, and lack of empathy"

This is strongly linked to my reactive attachment disorder and explains alot to why i am the way i am. Heres a link to a website http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-reactive-attachment-disorder#1 that explains a bit of what it is so that i do not have to make this already long email that much longer, i would also really appreciate it if you read even just a little.

I have an extreme lack of trust in others and am constantly doubting myself, there is not a second of the day where i dont think im a horrible person, i could be doing better, im disgusting to look at ect. The social isolation is a big problem for me, because im “this way” i feel that bothering others with my presence/problems/medical difficulties ect. is not necessary and for the better. Hence why i refrain from asking when i really need help, im scared to bother you. I dont want to make you angry and i know you and mrs mumford are already so stressed by the time my bell starts.

Biology – "sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties, somatization, and increased medical problems"

This ties into my Fibromyalgia and eds which ill explain more about after i go through ptsd. Its all kind of one big mixed bag of disorders that tie together and make me the way i am.

Affect or emotional regulation – "poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes"

Like i talked about before i feel extremely useless and annoying when asking for help or even talking about the things i enjoy. And when trying to explain my difficulties i stop midsentence or forget words/forget what my problem is and it becomes frustrating.

Dissociation – "amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events"

THIS is what i blame for never being able to remember anything. With fibromyalgia i have whats called “brain fog” and with the constant dream like state im in because of dissociation it makes my memory absolutely terrible. Remembering your names in class took me until almost 3rd quarter and it was utterly embarrassing(i still forget sometimes), its even more embarrassing when i forget basic buttons on the calculator and have to ask in front of everyone looking like an idiot.Or when i try to shout out an answer in class and it comes out gibberish because my mind is everywhere all at once, Or when we have a test on the formula we learned a week ago, and of course my mind draws a blank. I cant remember, and it makes me so frustrated with myself that i want to break down right there in class. It renders me doing weird things too, like the other day i put the icecream in the bread drawer, and on sunday i woke up and got ready for school. Theres alot of other things i could say but its as if fibro is laughing in my face.

 Dissociation in my own words is feeling like nothing is real, things dont feel like they happened. What does feel real is the pain/feeling in my body, i am a very anxious and jumpy person so im very sensitive to loud sounds/touch/weather and certain (triggering)  talk among students. And yet i still feel in a daze,My vision will sometimes blur and i am very prone to falling/accidents, staying focused can be extremely frustrating because my brain feels like a cloud, its almost uncontrollable like a dream. I dont think anyone can control those very much so i think its a good example.

Behavioural control – "problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems"

Im pretty okay with impulses, i of course have alot of very impulsive thoughts but i am good at controlling them id say, same with aggression but i very much so struggle with sleep problems because of nightmares from ptsd and chronic pain from fibro, i have not been diagnosed with insomnia but im sure i fit the criteria im just really bad at opening up with doctors/people ect.

These are just a couple more symptoms to help explain,

Cognition – "difficulty regulating attention, problems with a variety of "executive functions" such as planning, judgement, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring, difficulty processing new information, difficulty focusing and completing tasks, poor object constancy, problems with "cause-effect" thinking, and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities."

Self-concept – "fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self".

Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.

Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.

Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

Now that im done explaining the ptsd, Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder that my doctor believes to be linked to my other disorders, Fibromyalgia has to do with the senses we as humans all have, feeling, hearing, taste, and sight. The difference between someone with fibro and an average healthy person is lets say theres a knob for how strong each of these senses are, so imagine someone taking all those knobs and turning them all the way up to max sensitivity. Youd think oh cool youre like a super hero (like my sister likes to say) but no its the exact opposite, it does not benefit me whatsoever. Feeling, paired with ehlers danlos syndrome both my joints and my muscles are constantly in pain and some days ill have what you call a “flare up” which is where getting out of bed usually isnt an option for my body, i cannot remember the last time i didnt feel at least a dull ache in my head, i get migraines at least once everyday and unfortunately i get nauseous so i dont eat very much . Almost everything is irritating to my skin, a simple light rub of my finger on the top of my forearm is irritating and raw feeling (like ive been sitting there rubbing the same spot for hours) /Writing is over all painful, including typing as well/

If youve ever woken up in the morning with sore muscles from pushing yourself too hard the day before,that is how the muscles in my body feel, if you press on them they ache, and sting/burn when i use them. painful touch for most of my body paired with constant anxiety of getting bumped into/touched is stressful and tiring. On a good day my pain scale is a 5 from 1-10 but thats if im really lucky.

Then theres the weather, if im too hot and i start to sweat, the sweat stings my skin and i end up going into a frenzy of scratching and agony.  If its too cold my joints will start to lock up and become painful, its like they freeze and when i move them it feels like im shattering ice in my hand mixed with dull muscle ache. If its a good temperature theres still the feeling and i swear, the sound i can hear of my joints grinding together like two pieces of rubber being rubbed against eachother slowly.

Hearing is also bad, loud sounds are very irritating to my ears and will cause my migraine to get worse.(Talking too loud)Other irritating sounds, paper rubbing against paper roughly making that blblblb sound, high pitched noises of any loudness, squeaks, repetitive beeps ect.

Sight wise turning on lights abruptly is painful and makes my migraine worse, any bright light in general.

Taste doesnt really matter so i wont mention, but because these knobs are turned full blast it means the nerves and pain receptors in my body are being over worked constantly by my brain

And my brain thinks its doing its job by constantly acting like ive been running triathalons.

The recollection of pain comes in avalanches of distress for me. I usually experience the intense turmoil of fibromyalgia in the winter, or whenever cold fronts shatter the air and its frail victims. My limbs cannot contain the strength possible to function during those cold spells. Fibromyalgia’s lengthy sentence comes and goes for some, but, as a teenager, it’s disheartening. For the rest of my life, I will never be able to remember living without every waking moment marked by pain.

The abnormality of fibro weighs on my shoulders when I’m asleep, awake, or anywhere inbetween. I wake up at 4:30 each morning in order to be shuffling around by 6:20 a.m. The heaviness of my body pulls me down and pains me as I take a shower, put on my clothes, and put my small backpack on my shoulder to head out to school. Any sense of touch creates extreme levels of pain for me. Touching my arm, poking my leg, and brushing against my back hurt as much as twisting my ankle. My distraught reaction is a lot like a dog crying in pain and distrust after you accidentally step on its paw. Because im always in pain im always right next to the emotional breaking point, im always on the verge of tears. The smallest things can make me break down.

The pain prohibits me from being a teenager. Thanks to fibro, I cannot dress up in my favorite clothes and be what you call “Extra” everyday as i so much wish to be during the winter. My hands are crooked and shake too much usually to apply makeup. I struggle with applying eyeliner, because my hands hurt too much wrapped around a brush. The uncomfortable school chairs make me weep when I return home, because they destroy my concentration, forcing me to focus on the overwhelming pain I feel. I used to excel in school, but now, I can barely think fast enough, and come off as ditzy. I feel like I’m constantly struggling to maintain the fragments of my intelligence I lost due to fibro medication and fibromyalgia itself.

My GPA, became my ball and chain in school, rather than an accomplishment worth sharing. During the year, my schedule is dictated by the weather. Cold weather causes agonizing, excruciating pain that races down my spine and branches through my limbs. If a cold front passes, rain falls, snow falls, or temperatures drop, I freeze like the Tin Man, except there isn’t any oil to move my joints. The way I get sleep should be considered a torture method. Many people feel refreshed or renewed when they wake up after 8 hours, but I feel completely restless and exhausted. And thats if the nightmares from the PTSD dont interrupt. I toss and turn for hours in pain, because the pain signals interrupt the sleep cycle. I cry intensely whenever I think of sleep; school usually means a lack of sleep, but I am further deprived without choice. My biological system cannot allow me to rest, and continues to tense my muscles in a constant state of flight or fight.

With most schools starting at 8 a.m., my body struggles to run on 8 hours of sleep (which really feels like two). The exhaustion prevents me from hanging out with some of my closest friends. In the early stages of having fibromyalgia, I used to be able to do school clubs, hang out with my best friend, and go to cons with my friends often. Now, I spend my time huddled down, trying to make up for the nights of lost sleep. The lack of sleep and the endless pain contribute to extreme depression. And to keep my mood relatively happy i act like a goose in school with friends which doesnt do me good with teachers, I do it to not break down and let myself get too low around others because i know id regret embarrassing myself like that more than anything. The pain yearns for my thoughts to leap toward suicidal thoughts, and I was obsessed with death for years and still am. There was a time when I searched for ways to end my life, because nobody could help me and I couldn’t face living the rest of my life knowing that I’ll always be in pain. I still have these thoughts, and I believe I always will as long as I emit pain. Hence why i was in the hospital for a week recently, the hopelessness and embarrassment is dragging me down. The whole idea of having fibromyalgia embarrasses me. I’m embarrassed that I am constantly being called crippled, disabled, or chronically ill.Or worse not being noticed at all while struggling. I’m embarrassed that fibromyalgia makes me feel like I’m 67 instead of 16. I’m embarrassed that I will never be able to be an artsy beat poet like Patti Smith, or a rock ‘n’ roll guitarist like Keith Richards.

So i think thats as much as i can cover for you right now with my two of my biggest problems , im extremely exhausted and im not joking when i say my fingers feel like they are gonna fall off haha.  

Im terribly sorry for how long this email is but i think i got most everything with these two topics in there, also dont feel obliged to reply to this, im already embarrassed i even wrote all this down (terribly).

Quick thing i would like to say before i end the email, with all respect i am not looking for sympathy in any way. I am simply stating the way i am  in hopes that if you understand itll make things less stressful for me and you. So dont feel like you have to do anything for me.  

Thankyou for reading if you got this far, really. (btw forwarding this to Mrs. m******d is totally okay with me)