#or was it bc i got stuck earlier???? (i was debatimg too intensly whether to get high or no)
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#diary#personal#mn. i think im not gonna have a breakdow. (haha. weighted blanket and noisecancelling headphones to the rescue).#but idk i still feel so sad and just like shit.#i rly need to get a heavier weigted blanket. its enough on an average day to day. but definitely not enough when im freaking out#mn. im probably gonna sleep this off for the most part. or at least try to. and then likely breakdown tomorrow....#ffs. its rly annoying sometimes. i just. i cant do it most of the time.#and im not rly sure what did me in in the end.#is it overstimulation? bc there was a lot of that. or is it bc im too hungry and refuse to eat.#or was it bc i got stuck earlier???? (i was debatimg too intensly whether to get high or no)#or am i just that tired? or is it something else entirely? the pain maybe???#idk. im just tired of nearly meltingdown like. at least once a week#like! i just. something always is happening. something is always too much. and i dont have enough whatever it is to exist like this#idk. idk how everyone does it so easily. and then theres just me... im so fucking tired of myself#i dont move from this one spot. im just stuck right here. and i hate it! absolutely loath it!!!#im just so scared. of everything. i dont know where to start. what to do. and im just paralyzed. so i cant move forward#like! i domt know what the correct answer here is. am i allow3d to just go travel? or do i need rules(tm)#but eveything has rules. and i hate it. i just feel like im doing everything wromg. and i dont know what to do anymore.#im not making enough money. im wasting away. but i cant go on like this.#im exhausted. its just all far too much for me. im barely alive.#...really. it feels like that some days. i just dont wanna see another human being for a while.#i just hate you all. im so tired of this all. i hate this. i hate this all. i hate everything. i dont like exist. really. truely.#suicidal ideation#haha. i cant live but i cant die. i fucking hate this capitalist society i live in.#...i dont know if things will ever truely turn out okay for me. im tired. really tired. really fucking tired.#haaah. im exhausted. and i dont wanna wake up tomorrow. or the day after. or even after that. im too tired and i dont wanna bother anymore#i honestly just fucking cant anymore. ive really given up lately. its tiring when eveything just. ends eventually.#no matter what ill always be tired. always slogging though. just barely here sometimes... why bother. thats how i feel lately.#drugs tw#thats sorta why ive been so into drugs lately. im bored. but i dont wanna bother when ill just become exhausted
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