#or was i supposed to find out myself by falling into a youtube rabbit hole and watch this with no context

[lutiaslayton]

Hello! You seem to be knowledgeable about Japan-exclusive Layton stuff so I wanted to ask if you knew how many chapters were there in Mansion Of The Deathly Mirror? I tried to look it up myself but I couldn't find an actual answer

Thank you for all your translations btw I really appreciate them!

Hi, and thanks! <3 There are six chapters in total. For more info, I will simply give you (and anyone else who reads this) a Reddit post:

This post explains everything we know about Mansion of the Deathly Mirror and how to deal with the fact that this game is lost media.

That link aside, I have a transcript planned for Mansion of the Deathly Mirror just like I did with Chelmey's Casebook and London Holiday, but I don't even have the full first chapter completed yet, so I'll have to catch up whenever I have the time and materials to do so. I haven't had the time to work on it in many months, but don't worry, I haven't forgotten about it and I WILL make a better, FULL version of the translation, as soon as I can get to it (but right now I'm kinda supposed to be preparing for my PhD defence hahahahaha).

Now for some ramblings related to the above-linked Reddit post. Long story short: we have chances of securing the game. But for that to happen, we need to be patient, and we need to be silent. If you ever find footage of the game on youtube or elsewhere, no matter what you do, leave the player alone.

Let them upload at their pace and gather the crumbs as they fall off the table, because asking for them to let you eat the whole cake has never worked in the past. By that I mean: asking someone who owns the game "hey can I see your cool shiny thing asap plz plz plz" will result in that person blocking you, no longer posting any footage or content related to that cool shiny thing, and possibly disappearing off the face of the entire internet forever. I am neither joking, nor exaggerating.

I'm not talking that much about MotDM because we don't want to get too much attention drawn to it for the time being. But don't worry, if this game ever is found (and we have a whole team searching for it, we're just secretive on purpose -- for the reasons I mentioned here and for those that are explained in more detail in the Reddit post), we WILL make sure that the fandom knows about it. It's mostly just that right now, the only person we know who has the game and is somewhat willing to make a playthrough does not want any unwanted attention, and this person is not a friend of ours. They will stop uploading if people ask for them to upload faster, and they already threatened once to delete all their videos when someone asked them if they could "share the ROM." (No. No they won't. And even if they were willing to, we can't even make anything out of a ROM yet because of the hardware being stupidly complicated anyway.)

---

So there you have it -- your answer is "6," and I could have left it at that because I have no strict obligation to say anything more since you didn't ask for any other info haha.

Unless you want to dive into this endless rabbit hole, I highly suggest you just keep that answer, leave it at that for now, and go about your day minding literally anything else. We will get back to you and the rest of the fandom once we have real news about it! It's just that for now we're all stuck in limbo hahaha, there's some stuff done in the shadows but nothing worth hyping about until we're done with it. I mean -- we can't do anything until the one (1) person who owns the game decides to upload more footage of it. Given how desperately lost this game is, we should actually be happy we get to have anything at all, even if even NWoS might come out before it.

[EDIT] Needless to say, the player who is sharing some gameplay footage does NOT know that I have a website with the beginning of a fan-translation, and if they learn even so little that it exists, they are going to have a heart attack and will likely delete their entire playthrough. And nobody wants that.

I personally won't celebrate and heave a real breath of relief before footage of the full game from start to finish with as much content as possible is secured, which is why I don't talk about it a lot. I'm just paranoid that something might go wrong like it already has multiple times in the past hahaha

---

DO NOT show my website link around at random until I say it's ok to do so. And if you share it with friends, ALWAYS mention that I am the one running it. That way if you or your friends have questions, you know who to ask for explanations.

[finniestoncrane]

I'm here for a blind date I'm genderfluid (afab if you're wondering. I apparently give off Boy Vibes™)

I love dinosaurs (some of my favorites include Archaeopteryx, Australovenator, and Baryonyx, Minmi, Oviraptor, and Yi qi) comic books (mostly Suicide Squad but you already know that by now), and I'm trying to get into cars because I want to be an automechanic, since my grades weren't good enough for paleontology and I suck at art. College wasn't right for me and being an automechanic is probably like... A trade school thing, right? I also like Transformers. I got a mullet at one point, but it grew out a bit lol. I'm kinda clumsy, which is pretty evident since my glasses keep breaking lol. Not like I can afford new ones so I guess I'm using duck tape and super glue to keep the frames in... 2 pieces I guess. I guess it's just duck tape keeping the ear things on. I really got into old monster movies in Middle School because of a book called the encyclopedia of monsters. From like... The really old ones like The Blob That Ate Everything to the ones from to the slightly more recent ones but they're still decades old, like the Alien Franchise. Not too big of a fan of regular (?) horror movies. Technically I haven't seen most of the alien movies, but I really liked Alien VS Predator so I think that counts enough. I know I've already told you this but I fell down a YouTube rabbit hole of wilderness survival and eventually wound up finding a channel about boomerangs and the occasional Australian wildlife video (there's one titled Kangaroo Maggots. He finds a kangaroo corpse at the side of the road and maggots are inside of it. Really fucking gross. 0/10. Do not recommend if you hate maggots. Don't know why I watched that specific video honestly, but all the rest are good). Which lead me to another channel about Australian animals. I'm American and idk how tf I got from how to cook a cactus to watching a video on dingoes. I play a lot of simulator games. Like... If you look at my steam library it's like... 99% simulator games, the Batman: Arkham Series, and then a hunting game for some reason. And even then I think that's a hunting simulator come to think about it. Don't know why I like Simulator Games, I just do. Wait... Does the Arkham series count as simulator games? Like... Are they technically Batman simulators. I love reptiles and rats, but I fucking hate spiders. Need an Australian Man™ to help me if a spider is near lol. You know wow I'm talking about here I tend to get overexcited when myself or others are talking about stuff I'm interested in. I go on long tangents about stuff I like. I'm kind of a nerd when it comes to my semi-niche interests. I do enjoy listening to people go on their own tangents about things they like too though.

It's also quite apparent I have a thing for weird and/or disgusting fictional men ( my taste in women is better I swear. (Will fall for any tall woman who even looks in my direction. Which isn't saying much cuz I'm 4'10¾") )

💜 blind date 💜 the kitchen is now closed! 🔞minors dni🔞 • masterlist • kofi link • tag: finnie1500 (to follow or to block) a/n: hi please come in and distract this idiot, quickly, quicker, HURRY 💚

"Hi, uh-huh, welcome to the Vill-Inn. Can I just... sit you down as quickly as possible? If your date asks any of us if we want to see his big, curvy weapon one more time, we are going to escort him from the premises. Good luck!"

The moment you sit down at your table, after being rushed over by the waitstaff, you're met with a wide and mischievous grin, a signature smile from a man you recognise.

"I go by many names. Captain Boomerang, George, Digger. But you can call me daddy, if you like."

You screw your face up a bit, trying to pretend like that line didn't get you, and he's quick to try and win you over.

"I'm joking, love! Lighten up, it's a blind date, it's supposed to be fun!"

At least he's quick to... not apologise for his jokes, but to try and recover from them. And he's also surprisingly interested in you, and in getting to know you. Although, you fear it's just so he can make more risque jokes.

"Ah, mechanics. So... you're good with your hands then? You wear one of them little overall things? With anything underneath?"

The loud laugh he lets out at the end of his remarks are so endearing though, they make his lewd comments almost charming. Which you're unsurprised by, given your specific taste in men. He's perfectly strange and definitely a little bit gross, just how you like them.

He comments on your glasses, mentioning that you seem like someone who is a creative problem solver. A comment that feels like a proper compliment, not just a segue into another flirtatious remark. And it feels like he's dialing down on that the more he gets to know you. he talks to you about horror films for twenty minutes without saying anything lewd or crude. It's almost like it's a defense mechanism he uses to keep a distance, to maintain his facade.

In fact, he barely says anything at all when you're telling him about your preference for classic horror, and what video games you're interested in. Almost like he's enjoying learning about you. Almost like he can forego his usual ridiculously brazen behaviour around you. And you're more than happy to return the favour when he gets excited about boomerangs. Your fault for mentioning them.

"Yeah, you can learn a lot from a video online about surviving in the outback, but if you're ever looking for private tutoring, I'm your man."

He winks with this statement, but you can tell there's sincerity behind the offer. The fact that you're willing to listen politely, and that you seem interested in him when he's talking about subjects that are so personal to him, makes him feel very at home around you. And you're warming up to him, to the point where you can make some jokes too. I mean, no harm in joking about inviting him round to your place to get rid of some scary spiders, since he's Australian Outback Extroardinaire.

"Listen, for you, I can let myself be more of a hero than anti-hero for a change. Show me the little buggers and I'll have your house spider free in no time."

He winks again, and you're so fond of it that you can't help but imagine a life of being winked at across tables. A strange, happily ever after.

[jeetardgoneyolo]

First post. No further elaboration. Coz why?

Just kidding. I am here to talk today....or to vent, more precisely.

JEE is hard. It's ridiculous. But what's even more ridiculous are the expectations, the burden of honor, and the fear of disappointment and despair ingrained into our values caused due to our inability to cope with the extraordinary expectations, after we get into the toppers group.

I worked hard to get into the 'good kids' group. Then I got demotivated after a single failure coz I'm fucking weak, and now am procrastinating.

"Plenty of people finished 11 and 12 in class 9 and 10. They only practice and take mock tests for the 2 years of secondary higher education. So if you don't atleast finish 12 within 11, you'll never crack JEE. And anything without IIT CSE is meaningless when you are in JEE." —Mom

"You can't even rank first in the small area that we live in? What are you gonna do in JEE where competition is at national level?" —Mom, after I scored 207/300 and ranked 6th at my local coaching centre in my first JEE Main Mock test with Kinematics, mole concept, periodic table, trigonometry as topics.

And the thing is, I can't even protest her words, after all, the 1st rank scored 264 and the 2nd rank scored 246. With such a huge difference, I can't even argue. Since more is expected from me as I am supposedly a kid who is wasting away my potential as a someone who can become a JEE top ranker.

"What? You only answered 252? You couldn't even answer 300? You know right how much your marks will be considering your poor 90% accuracy rate? It will go down to minimum of 220s. I am quite disappointed."

This is the 2nd mock test I am talking about, the result hasn't been declared yet. But this exam was said to be especially hard with the insanely tough maths section and mid hard chem questions. The 1st ranker dude from last time answered 230s this time, and the 2nd ranker answered 256. The 3rd ranker, who is actually one of the best prospect in our entire class 11 batch in the whole state, answered 284 but he's quite sad because apparently he will get a lot of negatives. I am expecting 3rd or 2nd rank this time but I think life's gonna gimme lemons as always.

This is what I go through as a JEE aspirant. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. It's toxic at this point. I am in a rat race that I can't even escape like in other countries, considering even self help opportunities such as working at fast food chains or something, for minors here are considered trash of the society. We aren't free here, we don't have the opportunity to experience the world and explore my options to find out what I am good at. There's only three options. Doctor, engineer, lawyer. This might sound funny because of the stereotype vids on YouTube about Asians. But it's not funny. Many of us can't handle the pressure and commit suicide. Kota, a city in Rajasthan known for being a hotspot of coaching centres, is also stereotyped for being the Indian version of Japan's suicide forest, except it's exclusively for kids. Others go to depression and fall into the abyss of gambling and drugs.

The education system here has lost it's purpose. It has become an elitist system where the only way of survival is either your own talent or your backing. If you don't have either, you're better off being a lowest ranking member of the society succumbing to the higher ranks.

1:46 AM in the morning, I am sitting here writing this post thinking if anybody could say something that would turn my life around. This is more of a silent cry for help instead of something new to share with the world. I am sitting here in vain thinking there might be some magic trick to success here when I deep down know there doesn't exist one. And thus, I fall into this deep rabbit hole, all in my know. I want to stop this spiraling vortex of abyss inside myself that is erasing my existence. But I'm not trying. It's as if I have been mentally and spiritually paralysed.

I have realised something as conclusion. Life is drowning in reality, but the hellish standards that we have here in India are the sandbags that are tied to our feet in this already suffocative water, with no end of depth, we keep drowning and going deeper and deeper. I'm not happy. I want to break out. But I can't. This is painful. I hope it stops. But again, I know it won't, resulting in only pushing myself deeper into the abyss because of my hope being shattered. Hope is becoming dangerous by the day for me.

Am I the only one?

[rawrtriesagain]

Heya, same anon who asked you for art advice! First, I wanted to thank you for answer my questions and listing all that wonderful advice! I just have some followups. It’s really okay to just draw without even knowing how to put down a line? Won’t that just lead to bad habits or not learning the right techniques? And you mentioned learning how to draw the human body, will the sites you listed help, or are there other resources I should look up (like maybe on Pinterest?). Again, thanks!

Combining your asks into one. Thank you for the kind words! I'll be happy to continue helping where I can :)

So in terms of bad habits and practices, this is where my advice will fall flat haha because I myself don't know what's a good practice actually - I just do what I want to do even if its the worst way to do something anyone's ever seen! For example, my way of doing 'lineart' (just cleaning up my sketches) is to draw big fat lines and then slowly carve it with an eraser into a line I deem good enough. Someone who could grab a pen and draw a perfect line on the fly would probably be like wtf watching me meticulously erase my one fat line lol

But!

If you really don't know how to put down a line at all yet, your best bet really is to just start. There's not really a trick or technique too it, its just practice. I think unless you were trying to go into art school or something and needed to work on a portfolio (btw again I am not the person to ask for that), there's not really a 'bad habit,' its just as long as you're having fun. In my earlier example about my 'lineart' I pretty much know I'm doing it in such a dumb way, but I actually find it really fun to carve away my line with an eraser haha. Yea I could put in the effort to actually learn how to do things properly, but I like wasting hours just nitpicking on this little thing just because its fun to me. (I do the same thing for coloring also. I'll scribble my entire screen and then use an eraser to start carving things out lmao)

Of course while you're drawing and you're doing something that makes you think "hey this actually sucks actually-" that's when you take the opportunity to grow and learn something new that you didn't know before. This is a digital art thing: but for the longest time I literally didn't know anything about layers and my thoughts were just "man there's got to be a better way to do this" which throws me into a rabbit hole of searching "how do I do This Thing"

If you're really into learning art techniques though it might be good to slowly go over all of the 'art fundamentals' especially when it comes to like shading and perspective. I looked at this blog post and it looks like it would help start you out with some links to other resources: link then of course you can look up the corresponding Youtube videos to see someone actually do the fundamental for real. I'd also honestly recommend like a beginners artist course in person if that's something affordable and accessible to you. It's been one of my dreams to go to like random art classes for fun haha but alas life happens so its just me and my tablet until I'm rich as hell I guess. I've never taken a digital course either, but if that's one of the ways you're able to learn that's great too and I'd recommend it!

Next on human body:

Sorry I should have talked about them more in depth at the time, but yes they will help but only if you're determined to use them correctly! So the sites I listed basically show a pose for 30 seconds, and the idea is you're supposed to just try to take in the shape/form of the pose and draw it without nitpicking over minor details. You can also set the timer higher if you need (I used to set it to at least 60 seconds just because I was just a slow ass artist). But basically it should help you break down the human body into simple shapes and lines.

Now what I mean by using the sites correctly: So there's two ways to approach drawing from references:

1. "eye tracing" which is where your eyes are kind of just following the outline of whatever you're drawing but you're not really processing what exactly you're doing to help you later down the line. I have a bad habit of doing this and I tend to struggle later again for the same pose.

2. Breaking down the reference into small chunks and shapes, and then morphing those shapes into your piece. And later down the line you should start to be able to think of things like "oh the Circle piece of the body normally goes Here!"

Here's a random google image I found to help illustrate what I'm kind of talking about:

So eye tracing would kind of be like a less refined version of #3. Just a blobby but like you can somewhat tell what it is and that's cool I guess, but its not very helpful for when you want to try drawing a variant of the pose above. Breaking down the reference is like steps #1 and #2, simple shapes and blocks that help guide and outline the final shape you want. #1 in particular is very easy to change around should you want to.

So while you're on the sites I linked, you should try to break down each pose into its shape instead of drawing exactly what you see. You should also keep in mind the 'line of action' while doing so:

It's definitely a lot to take in all at once, so I'd honestly recommend just loading up the site and doing your best to replicate the pose, 'eye tracing' or not. Once you get more used to the routine and flow, then try to branch into learning more appropriate techniques. I've seen around that some people also recommend removing the time limit on the poses, as some people learn better by taking their time on one thing and breaking things down even further from there, but that's definitely up to you. You could also go out and try drawing random people if that helps and if you're bold!

My experience with Pinterest has mostly been for inspiration or cool things I've never thought of before, though I'm sure others are able to use it better than I can haha. I'm sure there are step by step guides to help you out around there!

I think resources to learn how to draw better really do come down to what kind of learner you are in the first place. Lots of people learn really well from Youtube tutorials for example, or maybe reading and following along with a book about anatomy would work for you too. I have like the most god awful attention span ever, so what works for me is just raw trial and error and hoping for the best. tbh idk how I even got this far haha but i am happy that I've progressed at all

Let me know if you have more questions and I'll definitely do my best to answer them! If you're looking for more advice regarding traditional art learning fundamentals, I'm sure there are many other artists that would be happy to answer your questions as well!

Best of luck! :)

[feluka]

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i didn’t think it was possible to summarize the plot of tales of the abyss in 20 seconds. AND YET

[neeterloveschenford]

THOUGHTS ON RNM 3x08

Wow! What an amazing episode!!! I think I have watched it 5 times now.ed And watched all the Malex scenes on youtube repeatedly. Stopped and stared at every gifset I’ve run across. It’s just been an amazing feeling knowing that we won people!!! Malex is back and I honestly don’t think they will be going back. It’s really, finally their time. But I’m going to save them til last because there will be so much flailing! So I’m going to start with the only thing that I had a real problem with in this episode. Why does no one care about Kyle? I’m positive that they know about him. Alex wouldn’t drop everything he dropped in this episode without letting them know where Kyle is. And there is a very bad habit with this show of telling instead of showing. And I totally get why Maria is the priority at the moment. Kyle is presumably stable and being taken care of by Eduardo, while Maria was deteriorating while she was “possessed” by Jones. But still, a little “Hey Alex, how’s my brother?” from Rosa would not have been remiss. But, I guess I just have to take a step back and remember that this is RNM and old habits are hard to break with them apparently.

Now. Let’s move on to the things I loved. I know there was so much hate and salt thrown Maria’s way because she’s rarely written the way she should be. And of course there was all of last season that made a lot of people loathe and despise her. I’ve had my moments where I never wanted to see her on my screen again, but then I took a step back and realized I was putting all of my hatred and upset onto a fictional character. Maria is not the person who wrote such a crappy story for her last season. I think we can all agree that Maria was Carina’s self-insert character. But I decided that I was going to move past my anger and try and embrace her this season. Admittedly, it’s been up and down. I think there have been times when she has definitely been used too much, and times when she was never fleshed out. But this episode her story revolved around what I have always thought was the most interesting part about her. Her heritage. I’ve always been interested in Patricia and what happened to her at Caulfield. To see how she worked with Nora to build the Lockhart machine was great! And then to find out how she was injected with the alien chemicals after Lockhart figured out she was actually helping the people she was supposed to be injecting, that was awesome. I’m glad Maria got to find out more about her family’s past. Now I’m left wondering if Arturo has a past interaction with aliens or a connection to Caulfield. So far we’ve learned about the Valentis, the DeLuca’s and the Manes families. Now we need to find out about the Ortecho’s.

Next I would like to talk about all of the wonderful interactions between the women. I was feeling so much girl power emanating from my tv screen! I don’t care what anyone says, I love the friendships between Liz and Isobel, Isobel and Rosa, Rosa and Maria, Isobel and Maria, and Liz and Maria. They were amazing. I can’t wait to see more of their interactions. I think all of the women (frankly, all of the characters) have grown so much this season. I love the bonds of sisterhood that have formed between our ladies! They were all so supportive and caring with each other. It’s like Maria said, she wasn’t alone, she had her sisters with her! And when Liz said the three women I love, I wanted to cry. They have all come so far this season. Is everything perfect? No. But it’s so much better than it has been. I just want more, more, more.

Liz got to be her badass science self again. I loved the fact that she talked to the horse the entire episode. Sometimes we just have to bounce ideas off of somebody. Why not a horse? And the way she figured out how to disconnect Jones from Maria using Rosa’s new powers was perfection. She really got to see a new side to Rosa this time. I’m so glad that we are getting these wonderful Ortecho sister moments!

Isobel is a bamf! She took on Jones without a moments hesitation and totally kicked his ass! I love her so much! She has grown so confident in her abilities. And the fact that the one moment of doubt she had was when Rosa swooped in with pod Yoda wisdom was exactly what she needed. They are one of my favorite friendships on the show.

And my last thing before I fall down the Malex rabbit hole. My dudes. Get over the hug already! It has been canon the entire time that Alex still thinks of Maria as one of his best friends. As much as y’all want her to have her reckoning for 2x06, it’s not going to happen. If it bothers you so much that all you can do after so much wonderfulness, is complain about Maria, then you need to really think about whether or not this is the show for you. She is not going anywhere anytime soon. Yes, she still annoys me sometimes, but I can put that aside and love the show despite her. I don’t mean to be harsh, but there is just too much negativity out there.

So now for the good stuff. (Rubs hands together.) OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!

I cannot believe that we won! We’ve lost so many times. But now WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS MY FRIENDS! We were given a feast with this episode. I mean in the first five minutes we have Alex coming clean to Michael about joining Deep Sky. And instead of blowing up and walking away, Michael actually listened. And what Alex said about making a world where Michael didn’t have to live in fear for the both of them? I nearly died then and there. I seriously could have just had that moment and been happy. The eyebrow flirting was so cute. Then we get it again when they are trying to figure out where Jones was. The heart eyes coming from Michael was glorious. He was so proud of his man and his hacking skills. And we got dorky eyebrow flirting again! Then we have that scene where we learn why Alex is the way he is. I know there has been a lot said about him having a white saviour complex with the story of Omar, but I’ve heard similar stories from actual vets. We tend to let our own feelings about the military cloud our feelings for the men and women who serve. I’m glad that they finally showed Alex’s PTSD. He holds himself away from people because he knows what it’s like to lose people. And Michael rubbing his cheek like that. I almost died again. I just love them so much. And then we get the scene where Alex stops Michael from trying to take the sword from Jones. Him grabbing Michael’s hand like that was downright sexual. I need to fan myself. That’s chemistry folks! And then we get Alex hitting Jones with the truck! What a great parallel with Michael hitting Jesse with his cane. Those boys will do anything to protect each other.

And then we have that scene. SO MUCH GOODNESS! Alex telling Michael about the Lockhart machine. Michael admitting that he knows that he probably won’t get clearance to work on the project. Alex saying he will tell him everything anyway. Our boys have grown so much this season! And the way Michael took off his hat to kiss Alex. I just felt so much in that moment. That kiss was so soft and sweet. When they pulled away, the way Alex looked up at Michael with so much longing was just uh! And Michael’s little exhale and smile. He knows exactly how to put Alex at ease. And then the hug. I am ready to cry right now just thinking about it. I know many people think it was too much too soon, but I beg to differ. This is how I’ve always seen things happening. Once they were both on the same page, it was bound to go down exactly like this. They have so much history and passion between them. And now they can finally admit to each other and themselves that there is no one else in the universe for each other. Their love is so strong. Why shouldn’t they acknowledge their feelings while growing closer. In the end I think it will only make them stronger.

So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I can’t wait til we get worried boyfriend Michael in the next episode. It’s going to be awesome! Till next time my friends!

[serenedash]

I started rambling about my experience with kh and then it turned into khux and then it just turned into me rambling about Ryou and my art journey????? enjoy I guess,

it’s very long but there’s art in there :)

It’s funny to think about my kh journey as a whole tbh, I grew up watching my mom play video games, which included kh1 and 2. I wasn’t allowed to play the playstation2 we owned BUT I did have a gameboy so the first game I played was CoM (after my mom finished it ofc,) so I guess you could say I’ve always been passionate about kh “””side games””” lmao but I did fall off of kh very quickly bc again, I wasn’t allowed to play our PS2 and also I Am A Terrible Gamer I’ve Never Finished CoM I’m sorry you all had to find out like this, but then 358/2 came out when I was in middle school and!!! I didn’t care and I didn’t play idk why lol

Anyway, fast forward to high school I’m like 15 and my older sister, who HAS been keeping up with kh, has a wallpaper on her phone of roxas and ventus. And bc I haven’t kept up I say “nice roxas wallpaper” and she says “thanks but it’s roxas and ventus” and I proceeded to get so mad that I was determined to prove to her that her wallpaper was just roxas twice and then I fell down the BBS rabbit hole and suddenly I was reading about vanitas and then I’m reading the fan translations of the BBS novel and I’m crying??? I am sobbing???? and that’s how I actually got into kh for real lol we are vanitas stans before we are people,

It’s so funny how I thought I was some kh super fan, knowing all this stuff that I spent so long reading and rewatching cutscene movies, but I never once, SOMEHOW NEVER ever came across khx. It’s so absurd and bizarre I seriously have no idea how I never once encountered khx prior to khux. I suppose that has to do with the fact I wasn’t involved in the fandom? In early high school I had stepped away from fandoms as a whole and I didn’t have any interest in really posting content or interacting with fans anymore bc of how burnt out I was from a previous fandom,

but khux released! and I was so hype and excited for it! on launch day I was a senior in high school, I had ran around to every “nerd” and weeb I could find in school to ask them to join my party and fun fact about me is I have crippling social anxiety I literally refuse to start conversations irl so holy shit I was OUT HERE doing the MOST

My player just originally had my name (Matt) but everyone in my party had fun names so Ryou was born! High school was one big yugioh phase for me and ryou bakura is one of my favorite characters ever so it was just the logical name choice lol I quickly started creating Ryou, the character, as well. I was also leaving my homestuck phase and that + vanitas obsession made This character design (art circa 2016)

If y’all are familiar with my kh oc’s you might notice that keyblade now belongs to my kid Monty LOL

Anyway that got scrapped quickly for the chip and dale outfit (which is where Ryou’s trademark goggles are from <3) Goggles have been a staple of my character designs for a LONG TIME so like, it had to be done, (that’s a separate ramble about a separate oc tho)

OG Ryou was an interesting guy; he was a young party leader with this overwhelming responsibility on his shoulders bc of his status as a party leader. In his original story, he also struggled heavily with darkness, much like Terra but for Ryou it was more that the darkness was controlling him and not like a source of power like it was for Terra

A big part of early Ryou I kept, however, was the crushing awareness of loss. One of my party members (the strongest one at the time,) had left without saying a word and I was very confused and hurt. This was around the time the ephemera plot was happening so I decided to incorporate it into Ryou’s story; having him experience losing a friend to darkness since it’s so normal for wielders in Daybreak Town to just disappear, and this would unintentionally become a theme for both me and Ryou as khux friends would just randomly disappear.

I was desperate for khux at this point and I decided to watch the fan translations for khx and GOD, god, was I obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about the foretellers. And I’m not going off about that here bc I already did that, but I actually started entering fandom again! I did it slowly, I started on tumblr before this blog was made altho it was me sending anons to the few khux related blogs I could have lol a friend convinced me to get twitter where I got involved with the ffxv fandom, which led me to the kh fandom and eventually the khux fandom there which is what REALLY got me going on khux.

I joined discord servers, most of the servers I’m in are khux related, and from there I joined the khux oc rp (shout out to anyone there who might be reading this lol here’s some art from the beginning of the rp,)

It’s SO FUNNY how the RP influenced me so heavily. I hadn’t RP’d in YEARS, I used to have a strict no oc rp policy, but here I was? And the funny part is, I had barely developed Ryou. I had scrapped his original story and all I had was POST WAR Ryou so I literally had to reverse write him; I had only ever written him as a depressed, guilt ridden adult, but it was a fucking blast and I have such fond memories of this rp when it was active,

But anyway, this encouraged me to get more serious about art! I started drawing, writing, cosplaying, and roleplaying when I hadn’t done any of that stuff in a very long time. The first time I ever drew a background was for a deviant art khux competition actually LOL

also! I always think extremely fondly of the drawing I did of Aced in the keyblade war. It was also one of the first backgrounds I ever drew and it felt like my real starting point in the khux fandom. It got a ton of notes on here and someone wrote a tiny fic in a reblog which just made me SO HAPPY like it really felt like people were noticing me :) I was going to draw a matching Ira but!! I just never did!! One day tho, it’s on my art bucket list to redraw this along with Ira,

Aside from my personal growth, khux was great for my social life ngl, I made SO MANY friends online and got to meet a ton of people irl over the years! It’s crazy to think about all the people I now know and talk to? It honestly makes me really emotional. I’ll never forget taking the train into NYC and meeting up with discord friends. Going to conventions and talking with people about the latest khux update? Absolutely insane and those were some GOOD TIMES, if I thanked every khux friend or even just person who made an impact on me then we’d be here for a LONG TIME,

Fun fact, for my Lauriam cosplay all I needed to buy was the wig I just owned his outfit LOL also? Probably retiring that cosplay ngl people treated me like absolute garbage when I wore him and it led to a lot of confidence issues for awhile ngl. That’s probably one of the only memorable negative experiences I have with khux; it was great when khux people recognized me but for kh fans that weren’t in khux? They were FUCKING MEAN??? fuck kh fandom at large, I only care about khux fandom,

This leads me to another huge part of my experience in khux fandom: THEORIES!! I used to write SO MANY and oh my god my brain was so full all the time. It was a huge appeal for me in the fandom; I had been previously writing theory posts in the RWBY fandom and it just migrated over to khux for me lol I had done a ton of theorizing around Lauriam tbh, it was really the only reason I liked his character at all bc initially I did not care about the dandelions, anyone who wasn’t Skuld I was like “please leave Now thanks”

A funny part of khux fandom I never intended to be apart of is the MEMES, I really only started doing memes as stress relief bc college had me so busy all I had time/energy for was these quick little shit post drawings.

The first meme I made, file name “invi despair” LOL we need to get her a girlfriend smh anyway, I think in my senior year of college I did a bunch of rapid fire memes all in one month bc the stress of finals was getting so bad afdgfhdgf as far as I know my impact on this fandom will be my memes bc all I do now is enter a kh/khux server and introduce myself and I go “yeah I draw art. here’s a meme” and everyone goes OH YOU, honestly I am nothing if not a clown

I’ve talked so much idk where I’m going with this. Khux is just a good game even if the gameplay actually kind of really sucks yknow lol but it was the first game I played where I like, REALLY got into the meta and the mechanics. I used to read so much on the mechanics and watch youtube videos on which medals were worth pulling for. I was never a whale or a top player exactly, but I could rank well if I tried lol I’ve made it to the top 100 for solo rankings, my party has made it to top 10, and in pvp I’ve made top 300. I’m not the highest level in my party but FUCK do I know how to manipulate this game LOL

And with all that hard work, the strategies, the theorizing, the content I’ve made-- it’s been my life for 5 years. I’ve logged into khux almost every single day. At the end, I have logged 1820 days in khux out of 1910 days. Kinda crazy. Crazier I’ve never spent money on khux either lol the only “money” gone into it was one time my mom gave me a google play store gift card and I used it on my birthday for a VIP xemnas medal which eventually made it to regular pulls anyway but it was nice and a little treat :)

I’m not a gacha fan, I don’t care for it, so I don’t think I’ll be touching another gacha again. But for kh? This was pretty fucking awesome, even if it sucked a lot sometimes LOL It was worth it for the people I’ve met most of all I think. I would honestly be a completely different person without khux and that’s REALLY insane to think about.

[actualbird]

nobody asked but here are my personal top five pat gill videos | a 2.1k word long post where i rank and review pat gill’s videos for just way too long.

Right around the tail end of April, 2020, I fell into the rabbit hole of my current obsession; Polygon Dot Com Video Content. As a consequence of this was being introduced to the phenomenon of Pat Gill. A dire consequence of that consequence was me slowly, deeply, irrevocably, finding myself attracted to this marionette of a man. So, I enjoy his content and I think he’s hot and that combined with the fact that some of my friends bully me over that latter fact has inspired me to do this: rank my personal favorite Pat Gill videos in a post that’s entirely too long.

Before I get straight into the rankings, I need to explain my process. 

First, I needed to narrow my scope. Polygon has a lot of videos. Polygon has a lot of videos with Pat Gill in them. If I didn’t narrow my scope, I would either go bonkers yonkers or have a list that would be kilometric in length and thus miss the entire point of ranking altogether. So, for my sanity, I am excluding any videos that are a part of a Polygon video series. This means no Overboard, no Gill and Gilbert, no Video Game Theatre, etc. If I included these, I would cry. I do not want to cry over Polygon Dot Com Video Producer Pat Gill.

Second, I need a criteria. If I just ranked videos with no system, I would find myself endlessly rearranging my list based on whatever thought comes out on top in my mind at the given moment. I am a disorganized person, so I need rules. I have decided that I will rank Pat Gill videos using the EEEH criteria. 

Entertainment. Do I smile, watching the video? Do I chortle? Am I filled with the embarrassing urge to show this video to my sister and derive glee from her laughing at the exact same moment I laughed? Entertainment is key.

Education. Did I come out of this video knowing something I originally did not know? More importantly, was I engaged in the learning process? I come from a family of teachers, so I have high standards when it comes to education. If I am to learn, I must learn well.

Exaltation. This is a bit of an oddball criteria, but it is important to me. The word “exalted” is defined as “elevated in rank, character, or status.” This criteria refers to how good it is at exalting, elevating, pulling me out of a depressive episode. That is to say I’ve been in a depressive episode for the past month and whether or not the video made me stop crying and brush my teeth is essential. Polygon video content has been integral to my serotonin production lately, and thus the video’s ability of acting as an audiovisual antidepressant for me factors into the rankings.

[BONUS POINTS] Hotness. How Hot Is Pat Gill In It? I felt bad, morally, ranking videos based on how good looking I thought Pat Gill was in it---because beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and all that, and people don’t exist to be beautiful, they just are, and I agree---so I’m relegating this criteria as a bonus point. Standard is 0, because he’s always hot in my mind, but he gets plus points if he is exemplary in the hotness department.

The maximum score for each of these criteria is 5 points, making the perfect score a 15, but because of the bonus points, a 20 is, hypothetically, possible. 

With that out of the way, let me dive right into it. 

5. The fastest interview ever with Ben Schwartz from Sonic the Hedgehog

Entertainment: 5 Education: 2 Exaltation: 2 Hotness: +2 Total Score: 11

Pat Gill is a good interviewer, he’s engaging and fun and keeps the interview interesting, but this interview is particularly special because it seems that, and let me quote Youtube user AudreyN who left a comment on this video stating “ben schwartz consumed all seven chaos emeralds prior to this interview.” Pat Gill and Ben Schwartz’s dynamic is amazing, and by “dynamic” I do mean “Ben Schwartz absolutely just fucking dunking on Pat Gill for 14 entire minutes.” and it is glorious.

For Entertainment this scores a solid 5. Quite honestly the funniest interview I’ve ever watched in my entire life. Just the sheer beauty in the exchange [Pat] “You would use Sonic’s power to gaslight me?” [Ben] “Just you.” In terms of Education, I guess I did learn a bunch of things about the Sonic movie that I didn’t know before, but the avenue by which it was portrayed in was not exactly the most engaging, more like I was absorbing it via watching two experts discuss on a webinar. I would have given just 1 point to Education but I made it 2 because of the wonderful knowledge that Pat Gill can draw a pretty good Sonic in a few seconds. When it comes to Exaltation, I must admit that while this video got quite a few laughs out of me, it didn’t make me want to get out of bed and take a shower. 

BONUS: Pat is +2 hot in it. His short hair makes him look very handsome. He’s a spiffy boy, in this video. Very, very good.  

4. Pat Will Not Tweet at Nintendo This Week Because He is Resting at Home — PLEASE RETWEET, Episode 12 

Entertainment: 5 Education: 0 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: +1 Total Score: 11

I know I’m breaking a rule I set for myself a few paragraphs earlier by including an episode of Please Retweet, which counts as a video series, but this is my post and I can do whatever I want. More importantly, this video is so fucking funny to me, it feels like it would be a crime not to put it in this list. 

Solid 5 out of 5 for entertainment. Pat Gill, alone in his apartment, drinking six cans of what I think is beer silently while the intro music plays. That scene in itself should win an Oscar. Sadly, a solid 0 for Education, because I learn nothing in this video except for the fact that Pat Gill is the type of person to put out a coaster and then just completely not use it. I quantify things as educational if I can maybe answer a trivia question with them, and unfortunately, this fact does not pass that test. In terms of Exaltation, seeing Pat Gill lie down on the floor next to his cat made me get out of bed to do the same with my dog, and with myself thusly out of my bed cocoon of sadness, I was able to actually complete tasks on the day I watched this video. Perfect 5.

BONUS: Pat is +1 hot in this because there’s something very beautiful about him being a little bit miserable. However, I do miss his beard when I watch this video. It is one of my favorite things about him, and it is not present here.

3. Pat and Simone Play Human: Fall Flat

Entertainment: 5 Education: 1 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: 0 Total Score: 11

I very much enjoy Polygon’s gameplay streams. I often play them in the background while I’m doing other stuff like doodling or origami, but this stream is special. It is special because of the moment at 24:00 when Pat Gill, in game, swings a stereo into a glass window, shattering it, while saying, “Actually, y’know what? Let’s talk about trauma.” and then proceeds to tell a horrible and embarrassing story from his childhood where he had to do a rap about Ancient Egypt. 

5 points for Entertainment. This is partly because of Pat’s tragic childhood story about the Egypt Rap (and, segue just to point out 33:22 the incredible moment where you can hear Pat’s feral panic when Simone finds the lyrics to the Egypt Rap) but also because Pat and Simone just talking to each other is so deeply entertaining to me in a very comfy way. I’m starved for human interaction, in this quarantime, okay. Let me enjoy listening to other people have conversations while playing video games. Education scores a 1 because, again, nothing in this video will let me answer a trivia question, however it does get 1 point and not a 0 because the Egypt Rap’s lyrics are in the comments and I did end up learning stuff about Ancient Egypt that I didn’t know. A perfect 5 for Exaltation because this video showed me that talking about trauma can actually be cathartic, given that you’re trashing a video game living room at the same time, and I think that message of not bottling up your experiences really helped me, in these trying times.

BONUS: Pat Gill is not visible for the entirety of this episode, so he scores the standard 0. I’m sure he was hot. We just couldn’t see him.  

2. Why Bloodborne and Muppets are the same thing

Entertainment: 4 Education: 4 Exaltation: 3 Hotness: +2 Total Score: 12

Ah yes, one of Pat’s “x is y because of z” videos. He’s made a number of these and they’re all very good but this one is my favorite among them and earns a spot on this list because 1) I think puppets are cool and 2) I fucking love monsters. 

This video scores a 4 on Entertainment, just shy of perfect, because as funny as it is, it also gives me the vibe like I am being lectured by a professor who’s just a little bit off the shits. And we all know that lectures are supposed to be taken seriously. Which brings us to Education, which also scores a 4. I learned a lot in this video! Watching Pat Gill explain to me that children’s puppets and these horrifying viddy game monsters use the same character principles in different ways is not only very educational but is also explained in a streamline and easy to understand manner that I WISH some of the shitty professors at my old university could emulate. As for Exaltation, while this video did give me enough energy to have a meal, I did eventually end up back in bed for the night at 8pm crying myself to sleep, thinking “I’m like the slime scholar. Used to be a scholar. Now they’re slime.” 

BONUS: Pat Gill is +2 hot here. He’s rockin that basic ass monochromatic aesthetic and I love his look dearly. 

1. Preparing for Big Boy Season in Red Dead Redemption 2 

Entertainment: 5 Education: 3 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: +3 Total Score: 16

Here we are. My favorite non video series Pat Gill video. The video where Pat Gill tries to make Red Dead Redemption 2 protagonist, Arthur Morgan, large. 

Perfect fucking 5 for Entertainment, which I’m sure many may find odd. Afterall, this video is told in a serious investigative tone reminiscent of Vox’s videos on current issues. But that’s the glory of it. The complete and utter ‘playing it straight and serious’ for a ridiculous issue in a video game. It is high tier comedy in a subtle, understated way that sings to my comedy loving heart in a melody so lovely, so wonderful, that it urged me to give this video 5 points for Entertainment. It scores 3 on Education, because I have never played Red Dead Redemption 2, nor will I ever, but now I know things about it. The information was also relayed to me in a very interesting style, via something like a crime procedural, and thus it was engaging for me to absorb all this new knowledge. Exaltation scores a perfect 5 because of this video’s beautiful end about existential smallness. No joke, but hearing Pat Gill say “Our bigness isn’t measured in pounds, but in the impact we have on the people with whom we shared the world.” deadass made me want to talk to my friends again after conversationally isolating myself for 3 days. Preparing for Big Boy Season has a special place in my heart. And there it will stay.

BONUS: Pat Gill is not visible for most of the video but he does appear for like 15 seconds in the middle of it, and guess what. He’s hot. +3 hotness. Good beardage, good hair, all in all, good Pat Gill. 

So there you have it. My five favorite Pat Gill videos. If you read this whole thing, holy shit. You’re welcome, I guess.

[macbetha]

So very excited to share this! It’s a playlist for my upcoming Free! fic, This Heart of Mine, the rewritten sequel to Eyes Wide Open All the Time. You can listen to the playlist on YouTube; this list simply helps define who or what a song represents to me. This list also includes some lyrics that you may want to pay special attention to. I recommend reading the lyrics by themselves before listening to the playlist. Mind you - some of these lyrics only act as symbolism. Some mean more. Some songs have connections. Some don’t. ;) *go girl give us nothing* List below! 

 THIS HEART OF MINE: PLAYLIST GUIDE 

Theme: Bring Me The Horizon feat. Halsey - In The Dark (MTLT / amo version) Oh so tall, it broke the fourth wall Guess our fairytale had a few plot holes Don’t you know you’ve lost control ↳ Honorable Mentions: ✧ grandson - Bury Me Facedown When I go into the ground I won’t go quietly I’m bringing my crown I won’t get tired Set the town on fire Thinking that they’ve won It’s only just begun  ✧ Lorde - Everybody Wants to Rule the World ✧ Ry X - YaYaYa ✧ Rihanna - Goodnight Gotham

CHARACTERS

✦ Haruka ✧ WDL - Monster vs Angel Got my own monster Nobody but me  Got my own angel  I would never call him enemy He’s the good god I need  But both of the sides Fight for me  ✧ Mumford and Sons - Broken Crown I’ll never be your chosen one In this twilight  How dare you speak of grace But in this twilight Our choices seal our fate I’ll crawl on my belly till the sun goes down I’ll never wear your broken crown  ✧ Lia Marie Johnson - DNA Dark as midnight 6 Pack Coors Light You don’t look the same Past my bedtime Blue and red lights come take you away I won’t be like you Fighting back, I’m fighting back the truth Eyes like yours Can’t look away But you can’t stop DNA 

✧ Cat Power - Sea of Love Come with me, my love To the sea, the sea of love ✧ Al Green - Love and Happiness (side note: this if my favorite song of all time) Love and happiness Something that can make you do wrong And make you do right 

✦ Makoto ✧ The Oh Hellos - Soldier, Poet, King There will come a soldier Who carries a mighty sword He will tear your city down Oh ley, oh lei, oh lord ✧ Labrynth - Still Don’t Know My Name I took your heart I did things to you only lovers would only do in the dark I made you a god Priests, popes and preachers would tell me I did wrong ✧ The Civil Wars - Devil’s Backbone Don’t care if he’s guilty Don’t care if he’s not He’s good and he’s bad and he’s all that I got Oh lord, I’m begging you, please Don’t take that sinner from me  ✧ Sleeping At Last - Make You Feel My Love (Cover) I could make you happy Make your dreams come true There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do Go to ends of the earth for you To make you feel my love  ✦ Sousuke ✧ Angel Haze - Detox You dance in a cage with some rats in it I’m about chemistry, you just react to me God might turn us to ash, baby I might just taste your last stars tonight  We were gods in a world that did nothing but doubt us But fuck it, I got us, from the dirt with the flowers Put in work in the shower ✧ Kaleo - No Good  You better start runnin’ When you hear the man coming It won’t do you no good Kiss your baby goodbye Come on love, it’s all right Heaven knows they wanna break you apart  ✧ The Oh Hellos - The Lament of Eustice Scrubb Brother, forgive me We both know I’m the one to blame When I touched the water They told me I could be set free ✦ Rin ✧ Halsey - Young God (Lullaby / Music Box Intro, Live from Webster Hall) Running, running, running And we’ll be running, running, running again ✧ SZA - Good Days Tell me I’m not my fears, my limitations I’ll disappear I gotta keep from losing the rest of me Chasing a fountain of youth that’s in the present I’ll await my armored fate with a smile Still wanna try, I still believe in good days ✧ Lola Blanc - Angry Too Does it get your blood boiling? Does it make you see red? Cause it gets my blood boiling It would eat you like poison if you knew what I knew I don’t wanna drink the venom they made me I don’t wanna be controlled by the past But boy, if you were me Could you really blame me?  ✧ Kendrick Lamar - u And if this bottle could talk: I cry myself to sleep, everything is your fault Because you shook as you knew confinement was needed I know your secrets Don’t let me tell them to world  About the shit you thinking  And the time that you - I’m ‘bout to hurl  I’m fucked up But I ain’t as fucked up as you ✧ Halsey - More Wooden floors, little feet Flower bud, concrete A little screen, a photograph Mine to take I still believe it won’t be like before I’ve loved you for all of my life ✦ Nao ✧ Johnny Hollow - Worse Things Anger grew like ecstasy And Leda threw the swan on me There are worse things, perverse things You should answer when the phone rings There are worse things I could do ✧ Young Heretics - Bones of a Rabbit You play with wolves But you sleep with the bones of the rabbit  You have conquered cities And torched the mighty sea You may keep yourself afloat But you cannot outswim me  ✧ Phantogram - Black Out Days (Future Islands Remix) Hide the sun  I will keep your face out of my mind  I’m hearing voices all the time And they’re not mine  Haunting my mind ✦ Natsuya ✧ Gang of Youths - Achilles, Come Down Remember your virtue  Redemption lies plainly in the truth Where you go, I’m going When you jump, I’m jumping There is no me without you  Today of all days See how the most dangerous thing is love ✧ Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love The stars, the moon They have all been blown out You left me in the dark ✦ Ikuya ✧ Penelope Scott - Cigarette Ahegao So like, I guess I call it the sophomore slump Always crying and always drunk A few dead, more gone, the rest well on their way Thanks! I hate it Everyone that I love is stuck Because this, that, the other, and the state fucked up We covered it in a class that I’m about to fail  ✧ 100 gecs, Laura Les, Dylan Brady - Money Machine Tell me what's the deal, I've been trying to go to bed I've been up for days, I've been trying to get ahead Said it all before, and I'll say it once again I'm better off alone ✧ Halsey - Clementine  Through a breakdown or a blackout Would you make out with me Cause I don’t need anyone I just need everyone and then some ✦ Hiyori ✧ Florence + The Machine - Seven Devils Holy water cannot help you now A thousand armies couldn’t keep me out I don’t want your money I don’t want your crown See I’ve come to burn your kingdom down ✧ Michael Buble - Feeling Good (Cover) It’s a new life for me This old world is a new world And a bold world for me Freedom is mine And I know how I feel I’m feeling good ✦ Asahi ✧ Sam Henshaw - Broke If I wasn’t broke Would you spend more time with me Like you said you’d do Tell me what I’m supposed to do Cause the only thing I need Is to be loved by you  ✧ Mikky Ekko - Smile Smile, the worst is yet to come We’ll be lucky if we ever see the sun ✦ Aki ✧ Aly & AJ - Church I did bad things, can’t you see it on my face? I get caught in every lie I need redemption for sins I can’t mention For all the things I can’t reverse For all the places where it hurts ✧ ZZ Ward - Ghost Here the devil call out my name I’ve broken promises, burning flame God knows, darling God knows I gave Now the truth cuts like a knife ✦ Nii ✧ Of Mice and Men - My Understandings  Keep in mind that I’m a sore eye With blurry vision  ✧ Neoni - Outlaw They say that I’m wanted Hear the whispers in the street You better start running Cause nothing scares me  Faster, faster You’re the one I’m after  You built a fortress But I’ll never kiss the ring I’m my own king

✦ Gou ✧ Melanie Martinez - Lunchbox Friends We can be friends if you wanna be But only till the clock hits three I don’t want no lunchbox friends, no I want someone that binds the ends, no Come to my house, let’s die together Friendship that will last forever ✧ Maroon 5 - Come to the Water Come away little light Come away to the darkness Away from the life that you always knew Come away little lamb Come away to the water To the arms that are waiting only for you ✦ Isuzu ✧ Jessie Reyez - NO ONE’S IN THE ROOM  Spent my whole life being graded, being told I’m not enough Being told go find the one and sit and wait for death to come I don’t want to I need to talk to God There’s things I just don’t understand Like who am I when no one’s in the room EMI - Bad Friends Yeah, I got some bad friends No you cannot have them If you wanna talk to them  You talk to me, yeah We don’t fuck around with just anybody, yeah

✦ Takuya ✧ Imagine Dragons - Ready, Aim, Fire Off in the distance, there is resistance Bubbling up and festering Here in the casing Shaking and pacing This is the tunnel’s light Blood in the writing, stuck in the fighting Look through the rifle’s sight ✧ Billie Eilish - you should see me in a crown (acapella) Bite my tongue Bide my time Wait till the world is mine, ocean eyes Count my cards Watch them fall  Blood on a marble wall You should see me in a crown I’m gonna run this nothing town Watch me make ‘em bow One by one ✦ Kinjou ✧ Urban Country - Knife and Stone Tell me, have you ever seen a mirror Mirror in the middle of the forest Just waiting for the rain or the crown I’ve been up for thirty days Someone point to lost and found Ain’t no blood in the temple Just a knife and stone

✦ Mikhail ✧ Elsie Lovelock - Friends on the Other Side (Cover) The cards, the cards The cards will tell The past, the present, and the future as well I got voodoo, I got hoodoo I got things I ain’t even tried And I got friends on the other side I hope you’re satisfied, but if you ain’t Don’t blame me You can blame my friends on the other side ✦ Ryuuji ✧ elbow - Grounds for Divorce I’ve been working on a cocktail Called Grounds for Divorce Down comes him on sticks but then he kicks like a horse There's a hole in my neighborhood Down which of late I cannot help but fall ✧ Mumford and Sons - The Enemy I am not the enemy It isn’t me, the enemy I came and I was nothing So why did you choose to lean on A man you knew was falling? ✦ Nadia ✧ Halsey - Castle (Orchestral Version) They wanna make me their queen  There’s an old man  Sitting on the throne  Saying I should probably keep my pretty mouth shut I’m headed straight for the castle

THEMES: GROUPS

✦ FREEBIRD ✧ Kaleo - Way Down We Go Oh father, tell me Do we get what we deserve They will run you down Down till you fall They will run you down Down till you crawl Till you can’t crawl no more And way down we go ✦ ROUGH RABBIT ✧  Imagine Dragons - Who We Are Up on the mountain Down in the king's den  It's who we are Doesn't matter if we've gone too far Doesn't matter if it's not okay Doesn't matter if it's not our day ✦ DIAMONDBACK ✧ Florence + The Machine - Bedroom Hymns This is good a place to fall as any We’ll build our alter here  In the wine, the women, the bedroom hymns Such selfish prayers, I can’t get enough I’m not here looking for absolution Because I’ve found myself an old solution

✦ HONEYBLADE ✧ Megan Thee Stallion and Normani - Diamonds I love me this much My pear-shape all dripped up He want me to be a little more lady-like? Come through with my girls and beat your ass on ladies night ✦ BLOODHOUNDS ✧ Angel Haze - The Wolves Nothing left out there for me  I left my fucking heart out at the sea This shit sounds like the danger zone  I’m the big bad wolf  Gonna take the throne 

THEMES: PAIRINGS 

✦ Makoto + Haruka ✧ Phoebe Bridgers - Smoke Signals One of your eyes is always half shut Something happened when you were a kid I didn’t know you then and I’ll never understand why It feels like I did ✧ Radical Face - Welcome Home Peel the scars from off my back I don’t need them anymore I’ve come home ✧ The Track Team - Heart Chakra ✧ Blackmill - Redemption ✦ Sousuke + Rin ✧ Kaleo - Bang Bang (Cover) Seasons came and changed the times I grew up, I called him mine He would always laugh and say: “Remember how we used to play? Bang, bang.” ✧ Zayn - Good Guy I’m not a good guy But I know you’re mine (bang) I know you’re mine (bang, bang) ✧ L'Orchestra Cinématique - Crazy In Love (Instrumental Cover)

✦ Natsuya + Nao ✧ Cosmo Sheldrake - The Moss But have you heard the story Of the rabbit in the moon? Halsey - Colors Your little brother never tells you But he loves you so I hope you make it to the day you’re 28 years old 

✦ Hiyori + Ikuya ✧ Elvis Drew - Where Are You  I been trying to figure out where you from Is it the moon? Is it earth? Is it this place, where nothing is worse?  Nothing can compare to the life we had My dear just grab my hand and let me take you To my wonderland ✧ Swae Lee - Sunflower Some things you just can’t refuse I’m not tryna lose

✦ Isuzu + Gou ✧ Snow Patrol - The Golden Floor I’m a peasant in your princess arms Penniless with only charm

[greyhavensking]

2020 Fic Year in Review

I got tagged by @godfreysroman and @metalbvcky to do this and I’m kinda hyped for it, this looked really fun from seeing what you guys did! So thank you for the tags!

Total Number of Completed Stories 

11, apparently! Mostly one-shots, but I also have a 120k OC/Matt Murdock fic which. Wow. Kinda can’t believe I finished that 

Total Number of Words 

183340, most of which comes from the aforementioned Daredevil fic, but there’s also probably a couple thousand from unfinished WIPs

Fandoms Written In 

MCU/Captain America and Daredevil, specifically. I know I tagged some things with like, Agents of SHIELD or something, but primarily these are the fandoms my stories actually relate to

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected? 

Oh, jeez, I definitely didn’t think I’d write that many words, or that many stories in general. I’d been in something of a fic writing slump for a while, but especially for Stucky I found a new stride this year (probably because I made some great fandom friends who are constantly inspiring me with their own writing). I don’t know if it’s because I had more time on my hands or just because I desperately needed to find an escape for myself this year, but I wrote far more than I was expecting.

What’s your own favorite story of the year?

Ahhh this is so difficult! But I think... hm, yeah, I think it’s a dream that feels so real to me, my Night at the Museum AU. It was definitely the most creative thing I wrote this year, and it’s one of those stories I just enjoy re-reading for myself, which feels narcissistic but is true nonetheless. I want to expand on that universe so badly, so here’s hoping in the new year I find the energy to get the third installment out

Did you take any writing risks this Year? 

Hm, I’m not really sure. I hadn’t written an OC/Canon Character story in a few years, so Blackout was something of a learning curve for me while I was writing. It’s also the most plot-heavy story I tackled this year, and plot is usually not my strong suit in fanfic, so, yeah. That was probably the most daring story of the year for me

Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the new year? 

I have so, so many stories I want to write in the new year!! Some old AUs I’d love to finish, a few new ones I’m excited about at least looking into further (if anyone has played Fire Emblem: Awakening, please come talk to me about how well Steve and Bucky fit into the roles of Chrom and Robin!!); I want to finish fics this year, mostly, seeing as how I have a bad habit of leaving my stories hanging

Most popular story of the year. 

Oh, that one is easy: Model Behavior, the story where post-WS Bucky falls down a YouTube rabbit hole and uhhhh well, really enjoys some of the media stunts Steve got coerced into doing after the Avengers. Hits, kudos, comments, this is by far the most popular thing I wrote this year, which I think is mostly because it got promoted here on tumblr. But I’m proud of that story so I’m happy it’s done as well as it has

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion. 

Hm, maybe a dream that feels so real to me? It’s kind of a niche AU anyway, so I’m not surprised it didn’t do super well. But like I said, it’s a self-indulgent fic and I love writing for that ‘verse, so I’m not super concerned with its statistics on AO3

Most fun story to write. 

God, I had a blast once I really got into writing The Sunscreen Wars! The dynamic between Steve and Bucky was great, the bickering, the chase scene with a lovely beach backdrop... Sam has a stupidly funny (imo) line in that that I’m particularly proud of

Most unintentionally telling story. 

Ah, that’s... actually definitely the Blackout series as a whole. I ended up writing a lot of myself into the main character, including her sexuality, so uh. Yeah. You get a lot of me in that fic, which was not my intention at all, but is probably a hazard of writing a love story between an OC and one of your favorite characters, so I’m not too miffed about it

Biggest disappointment. 

Huh. I’m not really disappointed with anything I wrote, so... I suppose it’s pretty apt to say I was disappointed with the stories I didn’t write this year? Like, I was so excited to write my Real Steel AU, as well as the alien!Bucky fic I thought of, but neither of those got finished this year despite the ample time on my hands.

Biggest surprise. 

God, probably how my fics (and other people’s fics) have connected me to so many amazing people this year? Like, yelling at each other in the comment section of AO3 has definitely become my love language for these people lmao

_______

This was so fun to go through! It was an interesting way to look back over the year, and good inspiration to try and meet the goals i’m setting for myself for 2021. I have so many fics I want to write, though that may be hampered a little by the job search I’m supposed to start now that I’m finished with undergrad. Ugh. Not the point of this, anyway, so I’ll just say that I hope I have even greater things to round up and reminisce about next year!

I’m tagging a few people, but if you’ve already done it, or aren’t feeling up to doing it, feel free to ignore this. No hard feelings, promise! 

@isabellajack @thiccbuckybarnesfic @im-weapon @minka-g @allegedlyann

[bidaubadeadieu]

long post warning, thinkin abt gender, epistemology, and ethics

this intro is gonna be a long one, but bear with me, it’s relevant, and I think this is a worthy part of the discourse. so sorry for the block text, but if you haven’t got time for this right now, consider keeping this post around in your likes and coming back to it later.

i’ve been thinking a lot abt questions of empirics vs ethics lately. i’ve been watching some youtube videos on Street Epistemology. The goal is to take people on the street, ask them to give an example of something they think is true (although they’re encouraged toward a belief system, e.g. belief in god, karma, a certain philosophy, and not something strictly measurable), and then the street epistemologist asks them questions to determine the sources of evidence on which they are basing their belief. The practice is supposed to be non-judgmental, but this is somewhat dubious because the whole technique was designed to convert theists to atheists. A common exchange will go “I believe that God is real” -> “what makes you believe in god” -> “I find that there is compelling historical evidence in the Bible, and that I have had a number of personal experiences that I see as miraculous/divine in some way” -> “If the Bible was written differently, or if you hadn’t had those experiences, maybe your life had gone a different way, would you still believe in God” the idea being that a rational and consistent person would say “no, because I would have no evidence” but in actuality most people say -> “yeah, actually I still would”, showing that their belief actually exists independently of any evidence, it’s purely faith. And then the street epistemology practitioner will often say something like “Could someone reach a different conclusion using faith? If a Hindu uses faith to determine the existence of Vishnu, would they also be correct?” and sometimes people get led down this path of -> “well, it’s true for them, but it’s not true for me” which I find fascinating, but if you’re a street epistemologist you generally seem to think that truth and non-truth only exist in binary states, and that this admission is the result of the terrifyingly faulty reasoning of religious people (because that tends to be their angle).

Some people in street epistemology interviews, rather than discussing religion will discuss gender (the practitioner is not supposed to lead people in any particular direction, the interviewee gets to pick the topic). See here and here (feel free to watch those and come back). These videos are okay, but I find it so frustrating, sometimes just infuriating, to watch these, and I’ve been thinking for weeks now why that would be. If I couldn’t hold my own with this guy, going toe-to-toe to defend why I think trans identity is real, is that a massive problem for me? I can’t hep but imagine myself in conversation with the main guy I’ve been watching (and to be clear, he’s a really nice guy, he wouldn’t be arguing with me, or attacking my positions, just asking purposefully instructive questions), but I can’t think of any claims regarding my gender identity that I think would be interesting to discuss. For example, he might suggest something like “I am transgender” as a claim, but I think this actually entirely misinterprets gender to begin with as something evidentiary. The best answer I can think of to answer the questions “What makes you transgender” or “What is the evidence on which you base your belief that your are transgender?” is genuinely “because I want to be” and I don’t think this is wrong or internally inconsistent. I think gender, because it is something that is social instead of empiric, means that it is not something that exists in a binary truth state. It would be like the claim being “I believe murder is wrong.” There isn’t evidence to support this claim, because it is ethical, and if you want to defend it (”Why do you think that” -> “Because it hurts people, and I think hurting people is wrong.” -> “What is the evidence that hurting people is wrong?”) you’ll never find a satisfying answer that is defendable. At some point the need to take an ethical stance is irreducible, and like a child who asks “Why? Why? Why?” you’ll always be able to go down the rabbit hole, never ceasing. 

My being transgender is because I like it, and you could ask why, but it would be like asking why I like my favorite movie, or why I like my favorite food. I like these things because I do, through some concoction of nature and nurture, and that’s just the way my world is. This is a hot take, and it’s not something I would say to any cis person, because it’s bad optics. I can imagine the kind of flak I would take. “What do you mean being trans is your preference?” “How dare you compare something as important as gender identity to liking mac & cheese, or the Lord of the Rings?” I recognize that this may be a unique outcome of my being nonbinary, and that a binary trans person for whom the “I always knew I was a woman” or “I have a female soul in a male body” narratives really do apply might find what I am saying to be insane and detrimental to them.

In response to Elliot Page’s coming out, I saw a friend of a friend on Facebook write “she doesn’t look like a boy at all but ok lol. anyways my dog is my cat now because i want it to be” and my friend, a well-meaning, intelligent, cis ally, called her friend out for his bigotry and in doing so she posted links to several scientific studies supporting the legitimacy of trans identity, appealing to scientific consensus. But here’s my thought: Neurology may prove that there are monumental differences between the brains of male and female people that never change regardless of socialization or hormones. Social psychology may prove that trans women act more similarly to men than they do to women 99% of the time. We could wake up tomorrow and learn that a historian with an agenda has faked the existence of gender non-conforming people of the past, that they doctored a text or lied about what they found in a burial site. This isn’t to say that any of these things are likely, but the sheer fact that they’re possible means that claims like “A new study shows that men and women’s brains are fundamentally alike” or “A new study shows that trans women behave like women” or “A new study shows that trans people have always existed throughout history” are actually worth jack shit. All scientific claims are falsifiable, they are fallible, but actually my worth as a human being, as a transgender human being, is not. I don’t think being transgender is valid because of any scientific finding, it’s valid because I wanted to, and I think it’s good for people to get what they want if it’s not hurting anyone, and I don’t think gender non-conformity hurts anyone, because in fact I think that questioning binaries and transgressing authority is good for society. Let me repeat that. I am transgender because I believe it is good for me and good for society. If I stop believing these things, which I might do based on exposure to new evidence, then I should stop being trans, but just on their own these are all ethical claims, unverifiable ethical claims, that require assumptions. If you are transphobic to me, or otherwise cruel, I think you’ve made an moral violation, but I don’t think you’ve necessarily made an unscientific claim; if you think that being non-conformant with gender expectations is bad for society, I might fall down a similar rabbit hole of “why do you think that” --> “I just do, because this is a priori wrong to me” and we’re stuck.

Is this line of reasoning dangerous? I think it is dangerous for people to get to comfortable with “Thing X is true because I want it to be.” For empirical, verifiable claims, this does not work. I don’t become rich by wanting to be, you dog doesn’t become a cat because you want it to be, but these are fundamentally different types of claims than “I am a woman.” I am saying that being a woman has no truth table. Politics is theatre, gender is theatre, and what it means for something to be “true” is complicated. 

This whole thing has big and strange implications. Going back to the beginning, I’m not sure what this means for theists. I’m an atheist myself, so I do find it somewhat concerning if they could use my argument against me, and say “Actually this doesn’t matter if this is rational or defensible, because it’s simply my belief system, informed by my values, and I think believing in God is good. For as long as I believe that, I will let it influence my behavior. Also, sidenote, I’m now going to ban all abortion.” But I think in general, there is a role for evidence to influence belief systems. I don’t think that gender non-conformity is good for society for no reason at all, and my line earlier that I think if I stopped enjoying being trans then I could and would stop being trans is really important here. But this does shift the focus from “Why are you trans” to “why do you enjoy being trans?” and I think that shift is important. I wonder if my street epistemology guy should shift his focus from “Why do you believe in God” to “Why do you enjoy believing in God?” or even “Why do you think it’s good to believe in God?” I wonder where that would lead him.

[i-might-be-a-kpop-fan]

KPOP SONGS! Part 2/?

So I thought I’d make a list of the songs in my „kpop“ playlist and write a little about them because I’m bored. These are supposed to be chronological, but after looking at the list I’m not so sure about it also because I love to buy music in bulks. 

PT.1

THESE ARE JUST MY OPINIONS/EXPERIENCES TAKE IT WITH A PINCH OF SALT AND DON’T KILL ME! 

Also write me if you wanna chat about it :D 

ZUTTER - GD & T.O.P:

 This song is a little scary tbh, apart from the badass vibes

I always loved T.O.P’s deep ass voice and with GD’s high pitched rap it’s just perfect

The MV is funny, creepy and a bit fucked up but what did we expect honestly :D

They rhyme aLOT in this song which makes it really interesting to listen to

made me addicted to the GD & T.O.P combination 

…..ZUTTER!

THE BADDEST FEMALE - CL:

 It took me a while to understand that this isn’t a solo version of „I’m the best“

It’s the queen saying she’s a bad bitch so you know it’s a banger

As almost all CL songs this is good to let off steam and regain your badass level after someone pissed you off

The MV is a sexual awakening on it’s own and performances of that song are also definitely worth a watch

„Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good you know?“

Perfect to practice bitch drops and feel yourself to

Burning Up (Fire) - BTS:

 So I don’t really listen a lot to it but I still like it

Has all kinds of badass vibes and I like the soft breaks in-between

RM’s part is by far my favourite his deep voice is so satisfying

The MV is also really cool

You can see from previous songs I had a badass song phase (I still have this phase, I love badass songs) where I only took badass kpop songs seriously

Growl - EXO: 

Okay, so I sometimes forget about this song haha

A good song that screams SM to be honest which I always thought was not that much the case with other EXO songs

The dance to this is really satisfying to watch and was probably the reason I bought this song

It shows EXO’s excellent vocals, has a nice feel and is easy to listen to 

Quite an early song too

I love that you could potentially dance really hard to this but still is very soft

Instantly recognisable and also a kpop classic I would say

GOOD BOY - GD & Taeyang: 

 Is this a kink? This is a kink right?

An awesome song i have bopped to a million times

I really love the „pretty/good boy“ trope and who is better for that then our bad boys™️ GD and Taeyang?

Their voices sound a bit alike and I sometimes had trouble differencing them….whoops

The dance is so so good and the MV is such an accurate representation of these two freaks

God I just love them and miss them so much

I am the best (JP. Ver) - 2ne1:

Welcome to another round of Aki isn’t capable of differencing Japanese and Korean lol

I must say I prefer this version though, I recently bought the korean version and it’s just not the same I got so used to the english parts lol 

This is also a classic, bow to the queens of badass girl group songs!

The MV made me fall in love with CL and the gang

„It’s 2 in the morning our bodies getting freaky, the beats bumping loud but this boy keeps talking! I can’t really hear him but I think he’s saying he loves me? Put his number on this paper but i throw it like frisbee, huh?“

I C O N I C this song raised me, fed me, dressed me and gave me the kick in the butt I needed.

Oh my god! 

BOOMBAYAH - BLACKPINK:

 Why of course after discovering 2ne1 BP wasn’t far behind

Recently showed this MV to a non kpop friend of mine and she drooled over all of them soooo, you can do that

Loved this song the second it started and love dancing violently to it

I now, btw, also own the whole album but it took me a bit to get into them (I was in girl group denial, don’t be like me show them girls some love!)

OPPA!

Being only four really makes it possible for all of them to shine, the vocals are clean and pretty but raspy enough to fit the concept and Jennie and Lisas raps are perfect as always

The beat is easy as is the whole song, doesn’t get annoying and is just a bop.  

Fantastic Baby - BIGBANG:

Nananananananana wow, fantastic baby!

Well well well if it isn’t history right there

Watch the MV, listen to the song! It’s mandatory to know this I’m sorry I don’t make the rules

Danceable, walkable just all in all go crazy(-able)

Boomshakalaka! 

A bit poppy so maybe not for everyone as it sounds a lot like stuff that is randomly on the radio

A dance song that probably was never intended to be more than that. Typically YG, a bit flatter than Bang Bang Bang

I’m repeating myself but you know I heard it’s also something non kpop people enjoy (Basically show them all of BIGBANG, lol)

Ice cream cake - Red Velvet:

Oh boy! My first Red Velvet song that I have because the refrain was stuck in my head and I wanted to know what it was

There’s way more RV later on but for now I think it was the only song

As I said I was in denial of girl groups that didn’t have a badass concept which was soooo dumb!

I love the song, it’s cute and easy to listen to

I love RV’s kinda cute-creepy concept and with the music box in the background it feeds into my liking very easily

I have moved on from it though after discovering other songs from them so I don’t listen to it as often

„I scream, you scream, gimme that, gimme that ice cream!“

Sherlock (Clue + Note) - SHINee:

I have known this song for years! Back when my best friend was into kpop and told me all about SHINee I looked into it, Youtube gave me this song and I instantly clicked. Didn’t like it clicked away and didn’t touch it for 5 years

Well now I love it and can’t stop dancing when it’s on

„SHINees back….“

The MV is confusing but god they’re all so cute in it! Taemin looks so adorable with long hair!

I have watched the dance practice about 100x times and you should too! (jk)

„Tonight, SHINee’s in da house! So give it up for SHINee!“

And as much as I love SHINee’s vocal squad and they’re great in this, Key and Minho really do it for me in this song

The song lives from the dance and the performance and makes it 10x better

It’s also good for just listening though but not really calm and casual so be prepared to break out into sudden song

„Oh I’m curious, yeah!“ (Is it noticeable that I’m listening to it while I write? probably not.)

Breaking News - SHINee:

 And my struggle with japanese songs continues haha

„Come on break down the walls!“

I really like this song though, especially the refrain it’s so much fun

It’s also really danceable (as I think every SHINee song is, I mean have you seen them dance?)

Partly really dramatic (slay Onew slay), partly badass rapping

I mean it’s SHINee it’s fun bright and has a dance rhythm what more could you possibly want?

Ring Ding Dong - SHINee:

 Yeah, i doubt you don’t know this one

Coincidently the first kpop MV I watched after deciding to dive deeper down the rabbit hole and well would you know it…now we’re here

It’s the one about the broken doorbell! Break it down!

This song and dance is Legendary!

Also a fun song that isn’t to be taken too seriously

The MV is kinda dramatic for this song lol

Good to listen to, has a nice beat and melody

There are these songs that every idol can dance to, this is one of them (In the list of “songs every idol can dance to” you’d find a LOT of SHINee btw)

„Ringdingdongringdindongringdigidingdigiding“

SHAKE THAT BRASS - AMBER (feat. Taeyon):

Amber…oh Amber. I love her really a whole lot and as I saw the MV I just had to have this song!

It’s a super fun and dancey song with (as the title suggests) a brassy sound

Much like Woof Woof I really enjoy this song bc of the MV, 

Amber is rapping and being the goofball she is ;)

BUT! As much as I like that song and think she deserves all the solo stuff she can get I like her new stuff more because it’s more „hers“. I really enjoy her singing as well.

And confession of the month: I don’t like f(x)’s sound so I’m happy she does solo stuff

She’s such an inspiration with her unique style and attitude (sighs in very gay)

 Lucifer - SHINee:

 I LOVE this song! OMG!

The MV is kinda uneventful but the DANCE PRACTICE!

Oh boy! Well first off Lee Taemin is very distracting in it but you have to see the dance to believe it! That’s what they perform with! On a regular basis!

The sound is very electric and theres a quiet electric melody running through the whole of it that kinda sounds like some alarm clocks lol

Edgy™️

You should absolutely watch performances! Jonghyuns high note is not portrayed well in the recorded version, boy has breath forever!

Apart from the vocals slaying absolutely every note the rap parts can’t be discarded by any means

It all just fits so perfectly

Oh and of course for a song of it’s time it’s just a little bit...nonsensical (especially the english parts lol: Loverholic, robotronic. what?)

Hero - MONSTA X:

 I’m thinking of a helicopter landing platform, pulled up shirts and a scared Wonho 

The dance to this song is…well do yourself a favour if you like abs and boys

Apart from the drool worthy performance, the song is super cool! Kinda chill, but still powerful and damn rapline went off!

This song really made them known more and it’s for a good reason

The sound in this is what is „typically“ MX for long time (Till up until Jealousy I’d say)

„I can be your hero, I can be your man!“

Sometimes a bit repetitive but what song isn’t lol?

Also still is in the „we all dress awful and don’t know what to do with our hands“ phase but that passes soon

Lead to many wonderful reality shows that makes it easy for new fans to get to know them better (Their group dynamic never changes they all just mature a bit it’s really nice to see.)

Also yes, Jooheon is kinda scary in this but I swear he a cutie

[anthonysstupiddailyblog]

Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (14): Sat 26th Mar 2022

Saw a news headline which read "Teenager falls to death from amusement park ride". It sounds worse than it is though as he just tripped over getting off the teacups ride.

Got to sit in the garden for a little bit and enjoy the phenomenal sunshine. This past Autumn / Winter has dragged for so god damn long that I wouldn't are if the country ran out of sun cream I would still go outside and let the fucker burn me to make up for the six months I've been huddled under three blankets with the radiator on full blast. I remember reading a story a while back about a guy who is able to raise and lower his body temperature at will and is able to swim in the Arctic perfectly comfortably. Man I wish I had this ability, not for swimming purposes but just so I could watch the TV in my room during the winter without having to smear myself in deep heat (for non-UK residents deep heat is a cream you rub on your body to relieve muscle pain, not a film staring Mel Gibson and Keanu Reeves which you were probably imagining). A few years ago I tried to watch the film The Babadook after hearing that it was apparently one of the scariest movies ever made and after a particularly glowing review by Mark Kermode. Frankly it bored the fucking arse off me and I didn't find it remotely scary. However there was one moment in it that made me laugh out loud which is where a little kid goes into his depressed mother's room and asks her for something to eat and the mother sits up in bed and says /  screams: "If you're so hungry why don't you just eat SHIT?!". It's not supposed to be a funny scene, in fact it's supposed to be an indicator of the mother's mental health starting to crumble but I don't know why it just made me belly laugh. I wanted to watch this scene again so I typed "Babadook eat my shit" into YouTube (I mean imagine if someone were to look at my internet history after I died, what would they think of me?) and underneath the clip I was looking for there was another clip from a movie called "The Help" labelled "Eat My Shit". I haven't seen this movie but apparently it's a tale of a former slave attempting to find her place in the world after being set free. The scene in question features the slaves former owner eating a pie that the former slave has baked for her. After a couple of slices the owner is very mean and condescending to the former slave who responds by telling her to eat her shit and then revealing that in fact she already has as she baked her own excrement into the pie. First of all, this film was nominated for Best Fucking Picture! A movie in which someone bakes a pie with their own shit and feeds it to someone was nominated for best picture, that alone just blows my mind. Secondly the ridiculousness of this scene hit me. How in the name of God would you not be able to taste that you were eating feces? Even the best chef in the world with the best ingredients in the world would struggle to disguise not only the taste but the smell. Finally what does it say about the owner character in that even though she didn't like the fact that she'd just eaten shit she clearly was enjoying it when she was oblivious to it. if there a deleted scene where the former owner shows up at the former slave's door and asks her for another shit pie? I wondered whether the rest of the movie was this former slave realizing that she had the world's tastiest shit and decided to set up her own excrement kitchen. I spent quite a lot of my time going down YouTube rabbit holes and for some reason this evening I watched almost exclusively clips and videos featuring Justin Lee Collins. Even though he was over the top and annoying I have to confess that I was a fan of his when he was at his comedic peak. I did enjoy him on The Friday Night Project and I really liked his "Bring Back" shows. The weirdest show that he presented though (Other than Heads Or Tails obviously but more on that later) was a series called "Justin Lee Collins Is..." in which every week he would attempt to master a new skill or profession in a short amount of time. For some reason the end goal of every one of these shows was for Collins to compete against experts in the field he was learning and he almost never succeeded because...well, he was up against experts. The show I re-watched today features Collins learning how to surf with the goal of competing in a the world's biggest surfing competition. It's fun learning him learn how to surf but by the end of it he can just about stand up and stay on the board for 10 seconds or so and from there they go straight to the competition where he finishes dead last...obviously, he's up against experts. I really don't understand this premise why would you limit yourself to only ten days of practice, do ten months on and off and then compete in the competition where you've at least got a chance to not finish dead last. Come to think of it a lot of JLC's TV vehicles had areas which just seemed devoid of logic. Whenever he would do the "Bring Back" shows he would track down cast members from whichever 80's TV show he was trying to reunite but the camera crew would start filming when they were miles away and only had a vague idea of where the cast member was. Why not just find out where they live and go and ask them there instead of cornering them in Morrisons or wherever? I'm guessing that JLC realized that if he tried to arrange the subject's participation in the traditional way by calling them on the phone and asking them then there was a good chance they would say no. However by approaching them with a camera crew and putting them on the spot they were kind of obligated to at least indulge him. The previously mentioned Heads Or Tails was easily JLC hitting rock bottom (TV rock bottom I mean, his actual rock bottom was when he got convicted for harassing his girlfriend). Heads Or Tails was a "gameshow" in which contestants won more money based on how many times they correctly guessed the result of a coin toss. Even now over a decade after it's broadcast it still seems like something I'm making up but I swear to God it happened. It was rightly mocked at the time for being a somehow even worse version of Deal Or No Deal and if you want to know how bad the show was take a look at this trailer for the show in which the announcer is so disinterested in it that he calls the show "Head Or Tails" instead of "Heads Or Tails" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvgB1MoZ3qo. I genuinely am amazed that in 2022 I've actually just written a retrospective about the TV career of Justin Lee Collins and it's really making me question what the Hell I have done with my life.

[kirstenguevarra]

moving on from a parasocial relationship

I know I should probably stop talking about 2020 and how it was supposed to be my year, but honestly, no matter how hard I try, it still comes up. You have no idea how many times I’ve told people how much I was looking forward to 2020. Graduating senior high school, starting college, doing the things I couldn’t do before, finally doing the things I love with nothing restraining me. It’s frustrating how my life could be different now if COVID didn’t happen. But this isn’t about my horrible year, it was about how I coped with extreme disappointment and depression in 2020 and 2021.

As I said, I fell into a deep depression in 2020, so I clung to anything I could to keep me sane. Musicals, books, shows, everything. I tried to keep myself occupied but nothing worked until around October of last year, a show started airing weekly in Japan. It was Cherry Magic, and I was quickly enamoured by it. I watched that show religiously, I looked forward to a new episode weekly, and soon enough I convinced my friends to watch it with me. It became our weekly ritual. Every Saturday, we would go on Discord, watch the episode, and talk about it after. It was the only thing that kept me sane toward the end of 2020, but when it ended in December, I was devastated. I didn’t know what to do with myself. It felt like I was nothing after it ended. I had nothing to look forward to every week anymore, nothing to keep me happy and stable. I floated through the last few days of December, trying my best not to let these thoughts consume me.

Looking back at it now, I should’ve known from that point that what I was doing wasn’t healthy at all. Maybe I was aware of what I was doing, relying on this one thing to keep me happy, but I refused to see it as it was an unhealthy parasocial relationship. To me, I was nothing when I didn’t have something to pour my energy onto. I didn’t know how to live. 2021 came and I was still devastated until I discovered an old interest of mine. I was going through Youtube, and I stumbled upon a music video of a particular Japanese Idol pop group, Arashi. Arashi has been around forever. Debuted in 1999 off the coast of Hawaii under the agency Johnny’s and Associates, famous for manufacturing boy bands since the 1960s. I’ve known Arashi since I was a kid because one of my aunts loved them, but I was a kid, so I didn’t understand what they were. But they made their way back to me and I binged all their music videos. Before you know it, I was watching their Netflix series and concerts. I fell into this Arashi rabbit hole, and I didn’t know how to get out. The more I learned about Arashi, the more I fell in love with them. They were genuinely nice people; they were different from other idol groups. Something about them felt real, it seemed like everything that they did was personal. They cared about their fans, they cared about each other, and they weren’t afraid to show that. They’ve been under the spotlight for 21 years, every part of their life whether public or private was scrutinised, but they still persevered. They were flawed humans, and that’s what made them perfect. I ate them up with no hesitation, and that’s when I started the most toxic parasocial relationship I’ve ever had.

I held onto them tight. They had announced an indefinite hiatus in 2019, 2020 being their last year as an active group, but that didn’t bother me at all. I had 21 years of content to catch up to, I have all the time in the world. 10 months of 2021 went by in bliss, every single day with no fail I would wake up and watch something Arashi, no matter what it was. A concert from 2001, a variety episode from 2011, a show from one of the members. I often thought to myself that this thing would keep me stable for a few years, it would keep me happy until I fall out of it and find another thing to obsess over like I always do. I bought merchandise, read interviews, memorised songs, and subjected my poor friends to hours of rambling about Arashi. My situation wasn’t different from 2020, I was still stuck inside, but it was different this time because I had Arashi. They made me happy, genuinely.

It wasn’t until towards the end of September when suddenly this world I made in my head shattered. This is going to sound stupid, but it was when my favorite member announced their marriage. I won’t go into much detail, but when I found out I was, for a lack of better a word, flabbergasted. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was ecstatic, of course, but there was this gnawing feeling that was inside of me, consuming me slowly from the inside out. I tried my best to ignore it, went on as usual, but its presence was obvious, I couldn’t push it down anymore. I cried for days. Every time I opened Twitter people were celebrating, and it made me feel horrible about myself. Seeing everyone so happy felt like rubbing salt on an open wound. I couldn’t tell anyone about what I felt because I was scared. So, I stayed away from social media, from Arashi, from everything. I didn’t know why I was so upset in the first place.

I reassessed my relationship with Arashi and the fandom for a whole month. I took a long hard look in the mirror and thought about myself and my tendency to throw 100% of myself into things without giving it any thought. I realised that I relied on Arashi for 10 months for happiness. Nothing else mattered to me but Arashi. I realised this and it broke me. I realised that I couldn’t rely on them forever, I shouldn’t even rely on them at all. I’ve reduced them into a toy, almost. I didn’t see them as people, I saw them as this product that was meant for me to keep me happy forever, and that devastated me. I love Arashi, I truly do, but it broke my heart when I realised that was how I treated them. It was as if I completely forgot they had lives outside of Arashi, outside of entertainment. I didn’t know them like I thought I did, and they did not know me.

It was hard coming to terms with this. It took a toll on me, and for the first time in months, I didn’t open my phone and watch Arashi. I put away the photos I had on display on my desk and tore down my posters. I told my friends about this, and they didn’t push me away or thought I was weird for feeling the way I felt.

It took me weeks to finally come to terms with the fact that I subjected myself to the most toxic parasocial relationship I’ve ever had, and to finally break off from that. It was a challenge because whenever I tried watching something that was Arashi related, it didn’t spark that same joy I felt the past couple of months, but I’ve slowly come to terms with that.

Do I still love Arashi? Of course! The happiness I felt in the past 10 months was real, and I am grateful that they brought me so much joy during hard times. I don’t love them any less than I used to, instead I’ve taught myself to set my own boundaries. I eased myself back into the community with these in mind.

It isn’t bad to have something to escape to occasionally, but you shouldn’t let it consume you and rule over your life. I know we all tend to do this, to escape reality and subject ourselves to the things that make us happy the most, but to rely on this one thing isn’t going to do you any good. I’m still learning how to control myself when it comes to things like this because, for me, it’s a reflex. I jump from one obsession to the other, so I think it’ll take me years to unlearn this behaviour.

This is a very personal piece of mine and I have had doubts about writing this in the first place. This experience was something that I thought was embarrassing and shameful, that I was the only one that went through it. But after countless conversations with close friends, I realised that the isolation that the pandemic brought made this experience somewhat universal. I realised that I wasn’t alone in this struggle, and what I went through was valid, which prompted me to share my story.

[abstractanalogue]

Ann Scott interview

I first came across Ann Scott’s music in 2018 and wrote about her Venus To The Sky (2013) album at that time here. She is a singer-songwriter but in the main she collaborates with what sounds like a full band at times so her sound can be vast when needed. Since then I have really gotten into what she has been doing and collected her other albums and none of them disappointed me in any way. I guess her main strength is the quality of the songs and she has a knack for finding the most suitable instrumentation and collaborators to really make them take-off. For me she is of the same calibre of an artist such as PJ Harvey and I wish she was as well known but such is the nature of life. Sometimes these things take time but her music is built to last. 

I have been posting about her regularly on the AA FB page and decided to make contact with her for an interview to tie-in with her outstanding new album Lily. I have many favourites from it but here I’ve selected ‘River’ and ‘One Step Fall’ as good examples to show the two sides of the album, from a full to a more sparse and minimal sound. For me, there were a few songs I instantly connected with but the whole album is a grower and worth the effort. While it hasn’t been such a long wait for me, older fans haven’t seen a new album in about eight years so I thought she’d have something interesting to say. It’s great to hear something of how the album came together and about her background, reactions to the pandemic and more. You can sample and purchase Lily on Bandcamp here.

How did you first get involved with music, were you always interested in singing and writing since you were very young? What were your early passions and influences (not just musical)?

Early on I just lived and breathed books. As a child, I remember the radio being on 24/7. I thought music was just an awful racket and associated it with detergent jingles and ranting talk show guests. I think I longed for silence really. That all changed in a positive way, in first class when our teacher encouraged us to dance on the tables along to Peter and the Wolf. Then came Top of the Pops as a weekly religion. In the eighties music had massive relevance, everybody was madly taping songs off the radio. There was a small selection of vinyl at our house and I spent many hours with a pound shop microphone stuck into the stereo – or was it the back of the VHS player ?- and even back then the big red button meant ‘record’. So, there were hours of fun overdubbing sci-fi movies and blasting along to Madonna long before the first 4 track arrived.

What was it like for you in those early days, what are your memories of starting out playing live etc? Did you get some recognition?

I first began busking around in the nineties and it was around about then I started writing songs, but I took a long time to finish and perform them. Initially I was just enthralled with that very primal thing of live singing. In Dublin the International Bar on Wicklow Street was the hub for songwriter talent, experienced and novice. There was a massive amount of it around and it was a magic time. Every Tuesday evening the upstairs venue there would be heaving with the motley crew of Dave Murphy’s songwriter guests. Dave curated an open mic ‘but with no mic’ kind of an evening and mentored, more or less, the whole singer songwriter scene at that time, which today accounts for many of Ireland’s household names. There was some A&R interest around but I didn’t have much of a knack for the schmooze and all that, I think I realized I was still developing a craft and probably wasn’t ready for committing to anything, whereas the industry was and is still obsessed with ‘new’ and ‘young’.

Even from your first album, in my opinion, you had very much developed a signature sound and voice. I guess this could just be you being yourself or is it something you really had to work on? Are you very self-critical, how easy is song writing for you? Going purely by your album covers, it appears you take on a different image/persona for each album. If I’m correct, is this part of your process for song writing as well?

You’re kind of born with the voice you have. All of your ideas and inspiration have to be influenced by the world around you. In my case, love of language slowly gave over to love of melody and expression of ideas but it was hard to marry the two. I am critical as hell and tend to do things slowly and mull over them and revise lots of times. Many songs are image heavy or take on personas, as you say, and I would throw in lots of characters and animals, maybe as metaphors for things, or sometimes not. I’ve always had a soft spot for odd tunings and gypsy sounding stringed instruments and gravitating to keys like C sharp or F sharp has not made me popular with fellow players. But in terms of a sound, in particular, the first few albums, my ideas were very much interpreted and realized by Karl Odlum.

Even though you are known as a solo artist there is a collaborative process for you to go through to get your music completed. Do you have regular people you work with or do they change with each project? How do you select your collaborators?

I’m happy to goof off on my own for a stint and write and record and layer music but you can’t beat that buzz of the idea exchange. Karl Odlum has a fantastic adaptable approach that he brings to everyone he works with, so I’ve been lucky to be able to tap into his expertise...and synth collection. He is a brilliant bass player, and a powerhouse of production ideas, and although I go at the Protools myself these days, Karl is still the linchpin I’d say. In terms of band, when budget allows the more the merrier. Touring with musicians you get to know people and give each other a dig out so I’m happy to barter with other songwriters when it comes to lending each other random ideas or vocals.

I felt things were really beginning to change for new artists around the very late 90s. The beginnings of MySpace and later YouTube and all of the promise (potential worldwide exposure!) that seemed to bring. As far as sales went, there was a kind of vacuum I felt from then until iTunes and digital sales became more firmly established with platforms like Bandcamp. Some of the traditional music print media also began to disappear or become unrecognisable from what it had once been. But live gigs and festivals became more popular (and good for selling music directly or so the theory goes). What was your experience as an artist that emerged right in those uncertain times of change?

Music has been a victim of its own success really. The technology which emancipated musicians (home studios, digital distribution etc) also kind of devoured them. There was suddenly a flood of independents all vying for the same shrinking media pie, and then the ‘subscribe a little and stream absolutely everything’ model (eg Spotify) came along and just about killed off album sales entirely. Back in the nineties an independent musician could be making a humble living and tour based on selling CDs at gigs, but that is all complicated now with the new medium. Additionally, many of the traditional opportunities such as the festival slots you mention are offered as unpaid promotional opportunities to up and coming artists. But if that is more and more the actual model, then you have to ask, what exactly is there to be up and coming to ?

You started a Patreon in the last year or so, what was your experience of that? I get the impression this helped the album along.

Patreon is the brand new world. It got me back into a discipline of finishing and releasing music, which for somebody who likes to spend months or years on single line lyrics, is a necessary thing. Also, it got me just back to connecting with people, and I was surprised by what subscription tiers worked or what people wanted to hear that I would not necessarily have thought of. Without listeners it is hard to make the music come alive. And that rabbit hole gets deeper. So, after a long gap between albums it was a great way to put the heartbeat back into things.

What can we expect from the new album, Lily, and what format will it take? Could you collaborate with different musicians this time around? What are your hopes for gigs, promotion etc. I suppose inevitably your new album (just like any album released this year) will be seen as a lockdown album, do you think the pandemic influenced your music or would it have still been more or less the same?

Lily is a digital only release, although I had a yearn for a vinyl pressing, I thought green is clean. The pandemic greatly paved the song selection, in that I couldn’t collaborate with other musicians last year even if I wanted to, so there is a lot of minimalism. There’s barely a click track anywhere on the album with many of the songs performed more or less as live takes. There are also fuller tunes with more featured artists which predated lockdown but overall, the lonely live intimate vibe is the prevailing wind. With everybody cooped up inside, it might sound counterintuitive, but it felt like the right time to release a live sounding record. When it does come to going back out to gig, I should have a selection that I can hopefully reproduce easily enough in a live context.

Due to the pandemic we are potentially in a very precarious time for music as we have known it. I know there is no crystal ball but how do you think things are going to work out for musicians and the industry itself?

Very odd times indeed, but the music industry is kind of eating itself anyway. In terms of gender and diversity balance, I hope that is one thing which can be addressed. I think the really obnoxious televised talent competitions have to go (or are they gone already?). Music had a very cringey tv moment for a while there. The keyword for the future music industry has to be - like all world industries at the moment - sustainability.

I read on your website that you moved to the countryside. What has your experience been?  

Moving to the countryside has been a major change for me and, also becoming a parent, so lots of things all fell into place and out of place, and lots of songs always fall out of change. I might miss being by the sea sometimes, but trade off in the deep countryside is the sky. All those thousands of super bright stars at night and those 360 degree sunsets. Plenty to space off to there...

Thanks for your time. You will find Ann’s website here and she is also on Facebook and Twitter.

[tedfashionski]

Finking, Finking.

Hi, welcome to my ted talk. (That is the only time I will ever make that joke. This is Fashionski Finks. Expect radically low standards of self-involved rantiness with zero research or accountability from here on out). For a while there I seriously thought that the covid-19 quarantine was going to result in people being increasingly placid and accepting of creeping extensions of the police state. But here I am, getting depressed again, not about the protests, which I love, but more about my relationship to in-group pressure dynamics. One of the problems with being a relentless contrarian is the discomfort of my impulse to rebel against groups even when they’re championing the right thing. I have to find my own way to fight against the system as an outsider. No gods, no masters, no fucking peer pressure.  I’ll never be happy joining a chorus line. I don’t sign fucking petitions (they’re just lists for the NSA). I do donate, but like fuck will I do it performatively. I can’t go to protests cus I get panic attacky in crowds. I empathise pretty strongly with outsiders of all stripes but believe ridiculously excessively in the public good of criticism, and have a nostalgic love of trolling (I like to think I’m gentle with it though). Bring back the troll! We need that fucker, he’s a sign of a healthy internet. I’m writing this blog thing as an extension of my need to vent my extreme negativity. TBH I never expected to get any followers with ted twitter and the bizarre welcomingness of the hf twitter community totally wrongfooted me. I’m not nice. Ted isn’t meant to likable. He’s my dark side. I was meant to be using this alt as a way to terrorise the nice nice (secretly cruel) fashion people. I’m gunna try and up that aspect more. Just bear in mind, my complaints are largely about the system, but if I see you perpetuating fashion’s entrenched anti-intellectualism or its insidery bullshit, I’ll come for you with a little meta-bomb with your name on it. Maintaining my misanthropic tone does take work tho, like, deep down in some twisted part of my psyche, I guess I do actually want to be liked. It’s fucked up.

I suppose it’s only fair to explain this Ted fursona. Like, new concept, who dis? Why all the furry porn? …..because I just think it’s hilarious. Every time I think about the furries I cackle (not at them, mind). I just love the mad corruption of pure Disney aesthetics into hardcore pornography. That’s anti-authoritarian as fuck. I love the sincerity of their culture. The way the crazy fetish aspect means they’ll never be fully blandified by mainstream acceptance. The way it’s so cringe but so delightful. And more seriously, I’m interested in how a culture of mostly gay male nerds developed to the point where they’ll invest 10k in custom fursuits and support eachother’s independent businesses in ways that the fashion community completely fails to do. The fashion world sucks. There’s so many correlations there that I want to investigate: the newness (furries date from around the 70s, fashion culture in its self-aware state dates from the late 19th C – both very young fields); the centralisation/decentralisation; the hierarchy (furries can be pretty catty, I have discovered in my research, and we all know what fashion people are like); the adoption of new identities; the cis-boy gayness aspect (I’m increasingly tired of the extreme nasty hierarchy of certain CSM queens. It’s all very UGH. Just, fuck those particular bitches.) There’s more to the furry love, but I’ll explore it in future posts.

More importantly, why Ted fucking Kaczynski? I’m not like, actually a terrorist. (….yet. tehehe. NO, seriously I like non-maiming violence. Fuck yeah to property damage. Fuck yeah to disabling the system in extreme way. But no to wooden IEDs. Think of my shitty jokes that fail to land as my hand-crafted bombs). I think I like the shitness of Ted. He was just an epic fail of a terrorist. I’m a little white girl living in London. I’m not actually a primitivist, as much as I crave a hut in the woods. I did go to an elite school though. I had some really shitty experiences in the fashion industry in my early 20s, and I watch my friends who are relatively successful in that system and I get so angry on their behalf at their poor treatment. They think I’m too angry. Fuck that. They should be more angry, and the fact that they can’t be angry at their extreme precarity and the fact they’re still insecure and terrified of being ejected by the system after all their investment and skills they’ve built up is BULLSHIT. I’ll be double angry for them, I’m not invested in that system. I don’t need it to pay my rent. I’m free, motherfuckers, and I’m coming for the abusers and exploiters. If you’re a complacent industry figure not fighting hard from within, uggghhhhh fuck you. Yes, YOU. Soooo, I relate pretty hard to the MK ultra stuff. (go look him up, he was basically tortured and experimented upon by the elite). But there’s a pretty big chasm between my views and his, and I’ll try to be clear about the extent of my interest in his extreme beliefs. I haven’t even finished reading the manifesto. Basically, I watched that shitty show on Netflix with sam worthington around the same time I watched Joker (that movie fucked me up) and thought it’d be a good outlet to larp online as a terrorist. There’s the angry white alt-right school shooter aspect, which I’m still figuring out, cus I’m non-binary and I was raised by nutso trumpy right-wingers, who I barely speak to anymore, and I struggle to get along with people generally. There’s sad, self-pitying rage here. I empathise with the angry white dudes too much. I feel guilty about it. That’s good ground for artmaking (yes, shamefully, this…is…art. Sorry). I modelled this fursona a little after my brother, who I spent years living with and arguing with and trying to lift out of his scary racist youtube rabbit holes. This is actually quite an emotional thing for me, cus I did the ‘talk to your fascist family’ thing. And I completely failed. I realised his right-winginess wasn’t lessening, I wasn’t gaining ground, and in fact my excessive empathy and desire to reach out to the relative most similar to me in character meant his extremism was rubbing off on me. Making me more resentful and depressed. Feeling powerless. I was being too kind-hearted and forgiving of his masculine impotence. So I’m exploring some personal shit here. But Ted is also a cute lil fuzzball teddy bear. He means well, but me being super autistic and faily at social skills means he’s kind of a dick, cus I am. I’m going to try and further develop this character, this POV, and this post is the only time I’ll explain the divide between him and his creator (moi). The ‘I’ on the twitter and here is Ted Fashionski, I need that space between me and him. Masks give us this freedom to be more ourselves. Internet culture has lost a lot of its wild brutal anonymity in the last decade or so, now everyone’s afraid of making mistakes. How the hell do you grow if you’re not allowed to fuck up? This is a vital outlet. He’s become an important part of my life and I have to say, I love being Ted Fashionski. He’s like Paddington Bear who just escaped form Guantanamo or something.

I get pretty fatigued as a matter of course. I’m a long-term depressive since childhood. I have a difficult time keeping my hard-on for living. I don’t get suicidal really but I do struggle with extreme fatigue. I sleep a lot. I often fall into spirals of self-hate. And as someone who utterly believes in revolutionary leftist politics, I beat myself up about not doing enough. I’m so middle class and english and white. I was raised in such a chauvinistic and complacent culture; I don’t even know where to start. I’m wading my way through post-colonial literature and beating myself up for finding it boring and uncomfortable. It’s hard to force yourself to acknowledge your culture is The Bad Guys. It’s easier to fall into fanstasies of supremacy and butthurt misunderstoodness. And it’s not like my depressive brain needs any encouragement to hate me. My trajectory is ever leftwards, but I remember the righteous fury of being right-wing. I get it, that was me. We need more paths back from fascism, more comprehension of why people are that kind of shitty. I talk less, and less well, the more depressed I am. If I’m talking, it means im feeling a lot better. Just, fyi.

Give me a minute to be critical here. With the George Floyd protests, a lot of the cool guys on fashion twitter has gone blazingly hardcore on the political side. But there’s this troubling rhetoric about ‘no return to normal content’ or ‘this isn’t the time for fashion’. Like fuck it isn’t. This is a key problem with fashion culture right here, we have this received perception of fashion as empty escapism. Escapism matters in fashion, yes. But seriously, talking about the surfaces of things does not equal not caring about deeper meaning. What the fuck. Clothes are a connective tissue, a membrane between us. They’re emotional and powerful. We can talk about things that matter THROUGH clothes. I speak fashion, pretty fucking well. Most people who work at fashion magazines are morons with no understanding or respect for their subject. They’re incapable of doing it justice, and that’s deliberate. On this tumblr you’ll see rants and reviews of fashion and other artforms, always interpreting through a fashion lens. cus it matters, cus it’s a vital part of the culture, cus just because something has a glittery, seductive surface doesn’t mean it doesn’t communicate or contain depth. There’s no going back to ‘normal fashion content’, yes. Normal fashion content is a fucking psyop to divert legitimate interest in aesthetics amongst largely non-academic dyslexic visual types away from careful thought/feeling and towards empty consumerist commericiality. The traditional fashion media wants you to express yourself and your interest in the zeitgeist through buying more shit. Another fashion world is possible. Let’s destroy the old and build a new one, one where surface and spirit are connected and true and fashion can’t be abused in service of evil industrial monopolists.

/end rant. TLDR: angry fictional teddy bear with tin-foil hat and an eco-anarchist fetish says no to stupid fashion and yes to the renewal of conceptual fashion. Also, Fuck White People.