#or sums of actions

[sleepydrabbles]

To be honest, sometimes I’m scared of the word ‘kind’. The word ‘nice’ is another hard one to hear. And ‘thank you’.

I acknowledge that I do quite a lot of nice things. But I don’t have a lot of nice thoughts, to such a degree that to have one is almost euphoric for me. A lot of the time the nice things I do come from the excitement of those nice thoughts.

I do quite a lot of things because they make people happy, and making people happy makes me happy. But I also like making people upset. For a while, I didn’t feel like any of the stories I wrote were a success unless someone told me the story made them cry. Furthermore, I get the same rush from someone acting pissed with me as I do when someone is happy I did something for them. More often than not, the fact that I caused a reaction seems to be the driving point.

But lately, I do seek positive reactions more often than negative. I want to know people’s favorite colors, and that leads to wanting to make them a friendship bracelet. Someone mentions they have a milk allergy, and from that point onward I try to find something without dairy in it whenever I bring treats for the unit back home. Someone has two cats, and they like cats; as soon as they’re close enough to me to be comfy, I send cat videos every so often. I want people to smile when they see me, and I want them to know someone thinks of them, even a little bit.

My stories and artwork have become really hard to share lately, and harder to create. I realized recently that I had gone too far in that direction and given too much of my time away to other people. I don’t regret it, and I enjoyed all of it (almost— sometimes my feet hurt quite a bit, and that was rough), but my inner child was furious, to put it lightly. It reminded me that while learning is a personal endeavor, the readings and assignments I complete are also something I do for someone else, and they count as time given to someone else, which meant that I had maybe a spare hour or two I was spending with myself, for myself. A date out to a local museum and arranging my work so I would have a full day off with nothing to do have gone a long way toward helping with that, but it’s also brought back that little flinch at ‘nice’ and ‘kind’.

I could dig down and blame my religious upbringing, the people around me who had service-based love languages but struggled to return the affection to me (I was very touch and praise-based at the time, and looking back, it hurts to know how hard they were trying). Hell, I could blame it on trust issues from previous relationships, where it felt like those labels were used to other me instead of as true praise. But I think the real root of it is that I know my core, and while I know that it is warm, and solid, and that I love to give to others when I have the resources to do so, neither of those words really describe it. It feels like a misnomer. I know how cruel I can be, especially when I’m angry, and I know that even on my best days that little smolder of cruelty is still a part of me. My sweet, lovely, amazing friends love to deny it, but I see that more as a reflection of them than me.

I don’t mean to bring myself down by saying that, either. The same fire that warms the hands can burn them pretty badly, right? I feel like a hot coal, more often than not. As long as people are at just a little bit of distance, they love me. The second they have me in their hands, though…

[beif0ngs]

alright look, i just wanna know who is the writer that came up with the dumbass idea of replacing the line “Ever since I lost my son, I think of you as my own” with “Lu Ten would have been proud to have you as his father” in this scene for the Netflix live action series???

[deadeery]

opla crew sketches .tried my best gah

[filez34]

so, "buggy mess" HUH I- THEY SHOULD (NOT) KISS @/venomous-qwille

[vbrosclips]

s3e5 The Buddy system

[tuuuuuuuua]

mog...i literally hate how the dirkjake thing im dojn rn looks it SUCKKKS ASSSSS IM SOBBIGNG I HATE IT SOIN MCUHBBI CANY DO YHSI im giving up on it untill i feel liek tryna fix it.

o got tride on drawing halfway thru... i cant draw mituna, god it looks so BADDDD...%| I UGHH!!!

and then i drew these nepeta n aradia sprite edits bcz i thought they looked so cute🙂🙂 so i mad etjem HAVE S LITTEL TEA OARTY AND IDK IM FLIPPING OUTB FIR SOME REASOB GAH I JUST RLLY LOVE THME!!::::( cuties.

[ask-dadpleasant]

make pest shoot unplez

well? what's next?

[meezer]

[allegorism]

the way bnha, jjk and demon slayer all started with some potential, then some people started to call them the "new big 3" due to their popularity and immediately afterwards their quality (if they ever had that in the first place) plunged to underground levels..... that's something that should be studied

[margarethelstone-2]

ok guys, so i have a lot of (not exactly positive) thoughts about the httyd live action leaks.

the main one being:

ASTRID LOOKS THE BEST OF THEM.

[victorluvsalice]

Well, it took a while, but here we are, the final chapter of "Start At The Beginning...Sort Of!" Which is also the longest chapter, because -- as per the chapter title -- this is where all the exposition lives. XD But yes, if you were at all interested in seeing how this story wrapped up, here you go!

[anxiously-sidequesting]

Since we're talking about Grandfather Spider can we Girls please just take one single moment of the day to remember and think about his, "I am beyond angry with you, but I could never hate you." quote to Grandmother Raven please. Please. Please can we do that? I will become sick as fuck if someone doesn't acknowledge this with me

[woosh-floosh]

Finally saw Class Action Park, the documentary about Action Park. As someone who's always been morbidly curious about Action Park and has watched many a YouTube about it, this is probably the best documentary on it. It still keeps the dark humor you would find in those youtube videos (one of the guest they interviewed is a comedian), but it's not that voyeuristic about the injuries and deaths. They added (honestly very cheap looking) animations to recount some injuries and it actually adds a lot to how badly you feel the injuries. Ends up being a very tense film!!

I do wish they talked a bit more about the history/timeline of events. But I do think they going for more of personal recollection of what it was like going to/working at Action Park rather than a complete history.

I also wish it could've stuck the landing much better!! There's a really candid section of a mother and her son recounting the death of their teenage son/brother and then the movie ends on a nostalgic note? With a bunch of people going "but that was the 80s!! That was New Jersey!! That was Action Park!! That was the last time kids had freedom!!" And it's like c'mon man, a kid died.

[vampirologue]

Im paying the price for two set of treats to reward myself before the school test: being late

[tendercoretroglodyke]

ok here's my 1 election night post. bc i have no thoughts/opinions rn that im sure-enough-of to die on a hill for and also bc it simply doesn't matter what I say and im still a little high.

the thought of genocidal fascist #1 winning the race makes me horribly nauseous but the thought of genocidal fascist number #2 winning the race makes me want to fucking kill myself. and unfortunately there's no 3rd option. so here we are