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phantom-le6 · 2 months ago

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Episode Reviews - Gotham: Season 1 (4 of 4)

Episode 19: Beasts of Prey

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

Gordon gets asked by a young officer to investigate the murder of a girl, Grace Fairchild. Along with Bullock, they interrogate a bartender for information. Through flashbacks, a man (revealed in a later episode as Jason Lennon) seduces Fairchild in the bar and brings her to his house, but when she asks to leave, he holds her hostage in an attempt to keep her as his lover. However, when she continues to respond with fear, he kills her. Upon discovering a painting of a broken heart, Bullock states the murderer is a serial killer known as "The Ogre", who targets young women. He also reveals that whoever tries to catch him, the Ogre kills a loved one in revenge.

While on the prison island, Mooney develops an escape plan with the prisoners. Upon realizing only boats and helicopters are the way out, Mooney sends a group of thug prisoners to reach the boat. However, when they reach the boat, they realize Mooney betrayed them so the others could escape and are killed by the guards. Mooney and the rest of the prisoners escape in the helicopter, although Mooney receives a bullet in the rib as she is piloting the helicopter away.

Bruce and Selina go after Reggie Payne. They find him in an abandoned warehouse. When Selina threatens to throw his drugs through a window, Payne reveals that the Wayne Enterprises person who sent him to retrieve the files was Sid Bunderslaw. Although he tells them everything, Selina throws the drugs out the window. Payne states he will tell Bunderslaw that Bruce is after him. When he tries to retrieve the drugs, Bruce is tempted to push him through the window but is hesitant. Selina, however, does not hesitate throws Payne through the window, killing him.

Bullock interrogates the officer who sent Gordon to go after Fairchild's kidnapper. He finally reveals that Commissioner Loeb sent him to give the case to Gordon. Realizing Lee may be in danger, Gordon angrily confronts Loeb. He promises that after arresting the Ogre, he'll go after him.

Review:

This episode opens up a closing arc for Jim Gordon that in some respects feels mis-placed. Loeb’s capitulation to Gordon in the previous episodes feels at odds with him setting Gordon at odds a serial killer, and the content of the subsequent episodes in this arc seems like something we should see spread out over more episodes to be more believable. At the same time, we get an interesting conclusion to Mooney’s side-plot on the island, and while it’s good to see the Bruce Wayne plot threads progressing, not sure Selina killing Reggie was the best move. A very severe injury instead of outright death or Selina being a bit more shaken would have been better, especially since we’re working with a character like Bruce who is typically portrayed as a staunch no-killing kind of hero.

As such, I think any tendency to kill on Selina’s part should have been delayed or result in some sign that she struggles with it. Her lack of apparent hesitation or remorse makes her seem like of a hardened anti-hero or flat-out mentally ill villain of the Arkham Asylum variety, neither of which feels right for a character who is more shades of grey than anything else. For me, this episode is interesting but far from the best, and I’m not inclined to give it more than 6 out of 10.

Episode 20: Under The Knife

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

Feeling the Ogre may be coming for Lee, Gordon unsuccessfully tries to convince her to leave town. In a bar, Lennon has a new date; Barbara. He plans to kill her in her penthouse but decides not to after he realizes she feels lonely and depressed. Not comfortable with him, she tells him to go.

Gordon and Bullock interrogate the first victim of the Ogre's revenge, Detective Ben Mueller, whose wife was killed by the Ogre. They learn that the killer’s first victim was a nurse at a cosmetic surgery clinic, but the clinic won’t reveal any details that might lead to the Ogre’s identity without a court order. As Bullock and Gordon leave the clinic, they're almost run over by the Ogre, who later calls Gordon and threatens to kill someone unless he retires from the investigation. Instead, Gordon outs the Ogre’s existence to the press and urges the public to come forward with any information.

Later, Gordon and Bullock investigate the manor home of Constance Van Groot, who apparently referred the Ogre to the clinic. In the process, they save a butler, Jacob Skolimski, from being hanged and discover the corpse of Constance Van Groot. They realize the Ogre is called Jason Skolimski, Jacob’s son. Jason killed Constance Van Groot because she led him on in delusions that she was his mother, only to reveal that it was all a game. Skolimski also reveals that Jason was born with a disfigured face that would make it impossible for him to seduce women, explaining the falsified referral in the Van Groot name to the cosmetic surgery clinic.

Bruce and Selina continue their investigation in Wayne Enterprises. Accompanied by Barbara, they attend Wayne Enterprises' Charity Ball. While Bruce distracts Sid Bunderslaw, the director of Physical Operations, Selina steals Bunderslaw's keys to make a copy. Cobblepot is forced to have dinner with Maroni and his mother Gertrude. While talking, Maroni reveals to Gertrude that his son has killed many people. Cobblepot swears to kill him.

While looking for files, Nygma discovers Ms Kringle has bruises in her arm from being abused by her boyfriend Officer Dougherty. Nygma confronts Dougherty at the police precinct to no avail, and then tries again outside Ms Kringle’s apartment, where Dougherty begins to beat him. However, Nygma accidentally stabs him and then proceeds to keep stabbing him to death, possibly out of fear that Dougherty could either arrest him or hurt him back. Later, Gordon realises Barbara was with him on a photograph in the last Ball, and that the Ogre will actually target Barbara instead of Lee. In his home, Jason introduces Barbara to a room of BDSM equipment and possible torture tools.

Review:

This episode finally brings Barbara Kean back into events as Gordon begins hunting for the serial killer Loeb used to try and force him (Gordon) into line. It’s interesting to see her and begin moving towards her being caught by the Ogre, but at the same time, it’s disappointing to see the same lazy writing as so many other TV shows and films being trotted out when it comes to the association of BDSM equipment with torture. It’s up there with hypnosis/mind control, homosexuality and other tropes for being “othered” and used as a staple for the “bad guys”. As much as it works for the Ogre’s strange and disturbing pathology, I think they could have done better. Certainly CSI did better on this subject back in the day, and it’s irritating that other shows and films can’t show a similar intelligence.

That aside, we get a little progression for Bruce and Selina, though the handling of it in regards to Selina and her decision to kill Reggie remains poor if Selina is meant to remain a friend, or at least ally, of Bruce. We also get a major dose of the off-again, on-again plot thread for Nygma as he ends up killing Officer Dougherty for abusing Ms Kringle. Not exactly a move any audience member is going to disapprove of if they or anyone they know has been an abuse victim, but also not a move strictly in keeping with Nygma’s more typical depictions in Batman lore, which tends to be more related to heists than murder. We also get a small nugget of on-going gang drama with the Penguin, though curiously no follow-up on Mooney’s escape from last episode. Added all together, I give this episode 7 out of 10.

Episode 21: The Anvil or The Hammer

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

Jason "The Ogre" Lennon proceeds to torture Barbara after revealing that while he originally planned to kill her, he believes she is his one true love and his torture is intended to reveal her “true self”. Eventually, he asks her to choose his next victim, threatening to kill her if she doesn’t. Meanwhile Gordon and Bullock continue their investigation. They learn the Ogre frequents an exclusive and mobile brothel known as the Foxglove, and Gordon secures an invitation for the purpose of an undercover investigation, though he puts himself in further debt to Cobblepot to do so. During the subsequent investigation at the Foxglove, Gordon and Bullock locate the Ogre's apartment in a building that overlooks Gotham Royal Hotel, but he and Barbara had already left for her parents' mansion, where both parents are killed. Nygma disposes of officer Dougherty's body in the forensic lab and pens a letter, posing as Dougherty, explaining that he left town.

Bruce sneaks into Bunderslaw's office at Wayne Enterprises and opens his safe, which is empty. Bunderslaw himself arrives and reveals that he was expecting Bruce, and has consequently removed the incriminating documents. He confesses to Bruce that his father and grandfather knew about illegal activities in the company, but decided to keep quiet. Afterwards, Bunderslaw orders Lucius Fox to lead Bruce away. Lucius subtly tells Bruce that while Bruce's father knew of the illegal activities, he did not approve of them.

The O'Connor assassination attempt is revealed to be a set-up designed by Cobblepot to start a war between Falcone and Maroni. Meanwhile, Gordon and Bullock arrive at the house of Barbara's parents to find them dead. After a brutal fight with Jim, the Ogre holds Barbara at knifepoint until Bullock distracts him for Jim to shoot him. Later, Jim confesses to Leslie that he no longer loves Barbara. Consumed with guilt, Bruce confesses his and Selina's murder of Reggie to Alfred, eventually also admitting to his visit to Bunderslaw. After Alfred tells Bruce that his father was a good man, Bruce states that even good men can have dark secrets.

Several crimes and killings are committed by Maroni and his crew against Falcone’s forces. This comes to the attention of Captain Essen, who calls for all officers of the GCPD to remain on duty during the gang war that is apparently breaking out in Gotham.

Review:

The Ogre arc appears to conclude in this episode, though in light of how the next episode plays out, some moments can be read as potential foreshadowing in this episode that maybe we’re not done there yet. Meanwhile, the other plots from the last episode, namely Bruce’s investigation, Cobblepot’s scheming and Nygma’s murder of Dougherty all proceed reasonably well. The first of these gives us our first sight of Lucius Fox in the Gotham continuity, which is certainly a mark in its favour, and Penguin’s plot nicely sets up for the season finale. All in all, it’s a better episode than the last couple, though not quite anything really great. On balance, I’d give it 8 out of 10.

Episode 22: All Happy Families Are Alike

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

A group of homeless people, among them Selina, witness the arrival of Fish Mooney and the escapees from Dollmaker's Island. Mooney approaches Selina and states that it will be a "new day". Selina and the children soon join Mooney's gang.

Two weeks later, Bruce becomes convinced his father led a double life and with help from Alfred, he looks through his father's study room. Carmine Falcone is shot during an ambush in the port by Maroni's men and taken to the hospital. At the GCPD, Barbara decides to take trauma counselling from Dr. Leslie Thompkins after her torture and the death of her parents at the hands of the Ogre.

Cobblepot and Butch Gilzean arrive at the hospital, intending to kill Falcone. Cobblepot reveals planning the mob war since before making his deal with Falcone. Gordon stops them and handcuffs Cobblepot and Butch to a pipe and frees Falcone. Falcone will need two days in a hideout to find a way to stop the war and Gordon agrees to help him. Cobblepot, realizing Maroni's men are coming and will kill him for his betrayal, pleads with Gordon to free him, citing the favour Gordon owns him and the fact that since he has arrested them, he has a sworn duty to protect them. Commissioner Loeb arrives with Maroni's hitmen and orders them to kill Gordon and Falcone. A shootout between Gordon and the hitmen ensues with Gordon killing the hitmen. With help from Bullock, Gordon, Falcone, Cobblepot and Gilzean escape in an ambulance.

They get to Falcone's safe house but are taken hostage by Mooney's gang. Mooney is even more furious after noticing Butch's brainwashing treatment delivered by Victor Zsasz and taken advantage of by Cobblepot. Mooney makes a trade with Maroni: in exchange for Falcone's head, Maroni will return Mooney's territories. Mooney also plans on killing Cobblepot for using the brainwashed Butch but spares Bullock's life. However, during the meeting with Maroni, Maroni makes sexist comments about Mooney, which causes her to shoot him in the head. Maroni's and Mooney's gangs then fight, which gives enough time to Falcone, Gordon, and Bullock to escape to a cargo container. Falcone decides he's done with “business” and plans on retiring. Selina and other members of Mooney's gang recapture them and bring them back to Mooney. However, Cobblepot then appears with a machine gun and kills some gang members before pursuing Mooney to the rooftop of the warehouse, giving Falcone, Gordon and Bullock a chance to escape. Meanwhile, during her therapy session with Leslie, Barbara reveals that she murdered her parents, enraged that they never loved her. She then attempts to kill Leslie, showing that she has become as criminally insane as the Ogre. Leslie manages to neutralize Barbara in self-defence just as Gordon, Falcone, and Bullock arrive.

On the rooftop of the warehouse, Mooney and Cobblepot engage in a violent fight. Butch arrives with a gun, but he is torn between his brainwashing to obey Cobblepot and his loyalty to Mooney. Eventually and as if under a compulsion, he shoots both of them to satisfy the conflicting pleas from both. Mooney forgives Butch for shooting her but Cobblepot insults Butch. He then pushes Mooney to the edge of the rooftop, which makes her fall in the water, seemingly killing her. A shocked Butch watches in horror as Cobblepot climbs to the edge of the rooftop and shouts, "I am the king of Gotham!"

In the GCPD, in the file room, Kristen Kringle reveals to Nygma something she found in the note from "Dougherty": the first letter of each line spells out N-Y-G-M-A, his surname. Nygma denies any knowledge of the letter. When Kringle leaves, he appears to suffer a mental breakdown and talks to an alternate personality that has manifested itself in his mind. Before leaving Gotham, Falcone gives Gordon a knife Gordon's father gave him, stating, "The knife is a good friend when you have no others." Meanwhile at Wayne Manor, Bruce and Alfred appear to find nothing in the study. After Alfred states "none so blind", referring to Marcus Aurelius, Bruce recalls Lucius Fox calling his father "stoic". He finds a relevant book with a device hidden in the cover and turns it on, revealing stairs behind the fireplace that lead to a cave.

Review:

For a season finale, this one is pretty good. Being a serialised show, it doesn’t exactly end on a definite cliffhanger or conclusive ending, but instead we get a little of both depending on the plot thread. As such, let’s deal with each thread in turn. Firstly, the gang war; mostly good, though the removal of Maroni makes me wonder how, if at all, this show is going to handle any eventual transformation of Harvey Dent into Two-Face in later seasons. After all, the definitive Two-Face origin is him being hit by acid courtesy of Salvatore Maroni, and now that can’t happen. Does that mean this show will take a page from the Nolan films or the Batman animated series and have a different cause/culprit for the scars? Will Harvey remain unscarred until the time when Bruce is Batman? More pressing, however, is whether Cobblepot’s assertion of being the new king of Gotham’s underworld has any validity. Just because the other big players above him have apparently either retired or died by no means ensures his dominance in their absence, so it’ll be interesting to watch season 2 and remind myself how this plays out.

Second, the aftermath of the Ogre. This episode is where the Ogre story arc reveals that its length doesn’t necessarily match its events. The revelation that Barbara has become so mentally deranged after a seemingly short period of mental conditioning seems to suggest the show-runners were using an unrealistic cheat and progressed Barbara too much in too short a space of time. Now if it had been over a few episodes that the Ogre conditioned Barbara, her turning on Leslie in this episode might be a bit more credible, but considering the Hollywood tendency to demonise any obvious example of mental conditioning, I suspect they’re a bit clueless on this subject. Then again, Barbara has been through some prior ordeals and has some pre-existing mental health issues, so it could also be an example of the proverbial straw breaking the camel’s back.

Third, let’s consider Nygma’s origin story. The reveal of his faked note from Dougherty spelling out his own name finally sees Nygma begin to show signs of his eventual Riddler persona. This is a nice touch, though the split personality scene is strange given that Nygma is normally shown to just have an obsessive compulsion to leave riddles at his crime scenes, and a split personality of any description isn’t a typical part of his character. The question here is whether the writers added this component to give the character more appeal as a villain to non-comic fans among the viewers, or are they showing the same kind of ignorance that seems threaded into aspects of the Ogre story arc.

Lastly, we have Bruce and Alfred looking more into the secret life of Thomas Wayne, and in the process finding the Bat-cave. As season-ending shots go, that is one of the best ones to end on just for the sheer iconic significance of the cave. Now if I were to combine all of this together and impart a score on the first season’s last episode, what would that score be? To be honest, I can only give this episode 8 out of 10. If they’d stretched out the Ogre plot for a few more episodes, maybe looked in on Fish a bit between episode 19 and this one, it could have done even better. Honestly, Fish Mooney turning up hale and hearty after the character had been shot in episode 19 and then being unseen for two episodes feels a bit off. Hopefully there will be better consistency in story-telling when we look at season 2.

#gotham tv show #episode review

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edorazzi · 3 years ago

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Well THIS has been a long time coming. Today we’re reviewing Part 2 of the Miraculous Season 4 finale; aka “Strike Back”, aka more of the Felix arc. Sorry for the delay guys, I was just living in fear! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Previous episode reviews: “Felix” | “Gabriel Agreste” | “Risk”

Like previous reviews this is gonna get pretty long, so I’ll throw the rest under a cut and let’s get started once again! ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

So here we are again. Literally everything delayed me from getting to this episode: catching Covid, Internet issues, IRL obligations, a general sense of doom. The universe was trying VERY hard to stop me so I think whatever I experience past this point is my own fault. I’ve signed the waiver.

Here’s where we’re at right now:

Everyone (except Felix?) is affected by the akuma “Risk”, whose power causes people within earshot to make impulsive decisions.

Felix is likely after the family rings again, and has taken over Adrien’s horrible modeling trip to stalk/rob Nathalie. I have yet to see how this affects Adrien negatively but I’m sure life will, uh, find a way.

No idea if Uncle Gabe is aware of this. He did set a trap for Felix in the office safe but that was a while ago; and he’s currently trashing Paris with a sentimonster believing Adrien is safe with Nathalie (he’s not lol) so I’m leaning towards him being genuinely ignorant.

There’s a VERY high possibility Ladybug is about to give a Miraculous to the wrong cousin.

So I’m very nervous. Lessgo.

- No recap! I don’t think the last double feature had them either; I remember leaving a while between “Truth” and “Lies” at the beginning of the season and being very confused over stuff I forgot. Guess you either sink or swim when Miraculous decides to do some serious storytelling.

- So we start where we abruptly left off: with Adrien entering the Forbidden Office in search of his dad, finding Felix’s Phantom Thief monocle (what IS that thing...) and getting distracted by today’s sentimonster stomping through the city. He dashes up to his room, transforming into Chat Noir as he goes and leaping gracefully out the window without pause! Or paws. Haha. I’m in danger.

- Next we rehash the scene of Marinette talking with Tikki on the station roof, and getting the bright idea to go rescue “Adrien” (who is Felix in disguise) as Pegabug. She retrieves the horse glasses from her yoyo pocket dimension and is about to unify the two Miraculous when her attention is also caught by Strike Back. SHE JUST STARES, THEN TAKES THE GLASSES OFF AND PUTS THEM AWAY AGAIN. The timing was very funny. Brawl now, true love later! >:0

- Cut to the interior of the Startrain, and now THIS I’m interested in. Nathalie is seated next to “Adrien”, who is actually Felix, and he’s glaring out the window either in boredom or cooking up a cunning plan. Definitely waiting for Nathalie to let her guard down so he can rob her. First old men and now disabled women; where will it end, Felix??

- Nathalie gently puts her hand over “Adrien’s” in a way I’m sure she thinks is reassuring, showing off the family ring in full view. Isn’t actually touching this poor attention-starved kid way above her paygrade? She wouldn’t even give him a hug in “Felix” when she walked in on him crying in his room. Maybe her appreciation for Adrien has grown considering he brought her snacks while she was bedridden. Gabriel just came in and ate them while venting to her, but still.

Also, if this was Adrien, Nathalie flashing this ring so much (between the previous scene in the study and now) would be super rude, right? I know Adrien supports whatever his father has with her and it’s Gabriel who kicks off every time it’s brought up; but showing off his mom’s wedding ring like this with no explanation is another level.

And ALSO, again, where is this particular ring meant to have come from? The cover story in “Gabriel Agreste” is that Ol’ Gabe graciously bestowed his own ring unto his dear nephew (after Felix robbed, tricked and nearly outed him as Shadow Moth), and the other is still officially ‘missing’ because it disappeared with Emilie, who is definitely not in a fridge in the basement. Are they both banking on Adrien not recognising it, and it’s just terrible luck that this is Felix?

- ANYWAY. Felix reacts like he’s been burned, and I’m sure it’s because the ring he’s desperate for is right there on Nathalie’s hand, but I’m in tears thinking he’s just fucking OUTRAGED at being touched without permission. Like the first episode where he went to shake Adrien’s hand and got full-on hugged instead. He came here to rob people and he is feeling SO violated right now?? >:/

- Nathalie encourages “Adrien” to “try to make the most out of this trip”, and highlights how he’ll get to see the world and then come back to his friends with lots to share. Not that I believe this is going ahead, but I hope that means she’s at least planning to give him a decent amount of freedom; like in the Shanghai Special where Gabriel actually let Adrien go out and explore the city (with a bodyguard). Maybe she really does care! Just a little bit. :’)

- Felix says something ominous about “seizing the opportunity when it presents itself”, so I guess he’s recovered from being so RUDELY manhandled - literally the worst thing that’s happened to him today! Move over, Aunt Emilie’s frozen corpse! - and is back to plotting atrocities.

- Lila interrupts to claim she and Adrien will become “the best friends in the world” on this trip! Now, Felix has been mostly separate from Adrien’s social circle with the exception of Kagami and Chloe (and that time the Girl Squad tried to kill him), so he doesn’t know Lila’s reputation as a liar or how much grief she’s put his cousin through; but maybe it takes a sneaky manipulator to know one?

- “Adrien” tells Lila he “hopes so with all his heart”. This should be her first clue that something isn’t right. He was ready to tear her to SHREDS during the photoshoot this morning and now he’s Prince Charming! Would the real Adrien be extra polite in front of Nathalie? :/

Also, if this is grounds for suspicion, does Lila know Adrien has a strikingly identical cousin? She hasn’t been around for this arc but she may have heard about him from their classmates. I wonder if Felix is common knowledge to people who haven’t been directly involved with his nonsense, or if he’s some kind of horrible unlockable item once you reach a certain friendship level with Adrien.

- At any rate, “Adrien” excuses himself to the bathroom with his duffel bag. Lila pokes her head over the seats with wide eyes to watch him leave; does she know something’s up? Gotta take those every-15-minutes model showers, I’m sure the Startrain has the facilities for it.

- In the train bathroom, Felix takes the fake Peacock Miraculous out of his bag and affixes it to his chest. What is it about the Agreste family and wielding dark magic in train bathrooms? The twins HAVE to be sentimonsters because I refuse to believe Felix isn’t related to Gabriel in any way, it’s ridiculous. He also retrieves Nathalie’s tablet and deletes her Candy Crush flicks through scans of the Miraculous book to find details on the Peacock and how to activate it. I’m so upset Shadow Moth’s presence confirms this brooch is a fake; this would be so cool! :(

- Felix is perplexed when no kwami appears from the brooch. He tries the magic words - “Duusu, spread my feathers!” - and nothing happens. He crushes the brooch in the palm of his hand and it shatters easily, proving it��s just cheap costume jewelry his uncle planted as a decoy.

- FELIX REALISES HE’S BEEN TRICKED. Score one for Uncle Gabe! Turnabout is fair play after all, and it’s taken him over three episodes to get back at his nephew in any way. During their last conflict Gabriel may have been a fool dressed as a peacock in his secretary’s bedroom, but he’s not a fool dressed as Adrien Agreste in a train bathroom with no Miraculous. That’s Felix.

- Back to Paris and Strike Back is stomping around. He looks like one of those Laputa golems (which I’m sure is intentional). Ladybug and Chat meet up and fall into sync right away, agreeing to wrap this up quick because they’ve both got other pressing business. This pressing business is Felix, lol.

- Shadow Moth leers from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Risk (who I completely forgot about, lmao) cycles through the sentimonster’s path of destruction and influences nearby Parisians to stick around in the danger zone so they can catch sight of the superheroes/get videos for social media. I’m surprised this isn’t a problem they have to deal with more often since the heroes are very popular; this is exactly what Alya was doing in Season 1 and it’s apparently been less than a year since then!

- Ladybug has to actively “shoo!” the civilians away, which is very funny. She also drags Risk out of danger, not realising he’s an akuma; then Risk pushes straight onwards again and nearly gets hit by a car. WHY IS EVERY SINGLE TODDLER IN MIRACULOUS SO TERRIBLE.

- Chat’s Risk mark lights up and he nearly Cataclysms the sentimonster, which as we know is a HUGE no-no because it makes them go haywire. Ladybug trips it with her yoyo wire instead, and Strike Back makes a massive dent in the city with millions in property damage. Chat gets annoyed and says that was literally no better than what he was gonna do! Which isn’t actually correct but I’ll give him this one; he deserves a little snark today. As a treat.

- The heroes go on to argue, appropriately, about how Ladybug never wants to take any risks. I like this exchange; both kids are very animated and I love Chat’s flow of sassy/disgruntled expressions in particular. Chat asks if Ladybug would ‘risk’ knowing who he was behind the mask, and Ladybug gets angry because she does NOT want to have this discussion right now! It’s REALLY dumb at this point. EITHER LET THEM SHARE IDENTITIES OR STOP ENGINEERING MORE REASONS WHY IT WOULD BE FINE TO DO SO, MY GOODNESS.

- This impromptu debate distracts them from Strike Back, who nearly flattens them. Chat grabs Ladybug despite them being super mad at each other right now (which is sweet); and the pair crashland in the streets and roll several feet while STILL arguing. This reminds me a whole lot of Stormy Weather and I wonder if that’s on purpose. Look how far we’ve come.

Geez, remember when this show wasn’t exactly what we’d expected but it also wasn’t a mess? Those golden days of staying up late and watching low-res Korean TV streams waiting for a new episode with no subtitles, instead of putting new content off for weeks because it’s too exhausting to see what they’ll do next. Edorazzi remembers. :’)

- Chat asks “Why do you know the identities of the other Miraculous holders? Why not me?” And Ladybug yet again tells him she’s protecting his identity in case Shadow Moth akumatizes her. Clearly the scriptwriters know what they meant, but I took that as Chat questioning why Ladybug shut him out of knowing ANY of the other superheroes so he couldn’t even help with stuff like Miraculous distribution. Wasn’t that where this started? Why are we back here??

- Chat says either he, she or both of them (I can’t figure out exactly what he says :/) will NEVER get akumatized. Ladybug has a flashback to Chat Blanc.

ARE WE REALLY BRINGING THIS UP. Like I’m sorry, but if we’re dragging that mess of an episode back into relevancy then Bunnyx should show up to slap Ladybug on the wrist whenever she’s about to do something which dooms the universe (because Marinette is somehow capable of breaking her own timeline without any outside influence); therefore if Bunnyx isn’t here right now then it’s fine and she has no reason to be defensive. Which is ridiculous but that’s the canon logic we’re living with. Welcome to the clown tent.

- “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” / “Maybe because you never talk to me about ANYTHING!” HE’S RIGHT, YOU KNOW. Ladybug doesn’t have to full-on share identities if she isn’t comfortable, but this season has a pattern of Chat getting left out of things and then being blamed for not knowing what’s up. Everything from Sentibubbler to the Scarabella mess and now this! JUST COMMUNICATE, HOLY SHIT. WHERE IS FELIX.

- IT’S ESCALATING. Through her earpiece Rena Furtive prompts Ladybug to dodge an attack. Ladybug’s Risk mark lights up and she thanks Rena loudly for Chat to hear. For a second she ACTUALLY tries to pretend she doesn’t know what Chat’s talking about, but ultimately confesses that Rena (who supposedly gave up her Miraculous way back in Sentibubbler) is on watch except she can’t tell him where. I guess this is a sign she does want to share this stuff with Chat and just doesn’t have the courage; but it comes across as a slap in the face and more like she forgot he was there. Chat is getting FURIOUS and I’m not happy either, the disrespect!!! >:0

- Ladybug spots Risk heading back into the danger zone once again and swings off to save him. Chat spots Mayor Bourgeois breaking out his film camera to record the sentimonster and does the same (and it’s nice to see more followup on André’s passions!). The kids realise they can’t fight the sentimonster if they’re constantly saving civilians, so Ladybug goes for “reinforcements”. Which Chat isn’t allowed to know about, of course.

- Is she going for Felix, believing he’s Adrien and that this will be the perfect excuse to keep him in Paris. MAYBE.

- Ladybug dishes out a bunch of Miraculous to the usual suspects (Nino, Kagami, Juleka, Zoe and Mylene), including Marc and Ivan this time! That’s nice. Where is Luka though? I get the feeling the writers banned him from the rest of the season because all the drama comes from Chat and Ladybug arguing/ miscommunicating, and we’ve seen from Wishmaker that Luka knows exactly how to deal with that nonsense. Can’t change his nature so just lock him in the houseboat until Season 5. :/

- Apparently Roi Singe is here too. Why wasn’t he in the lineup? The heroes launch several attacks on Strike Back and nothing works, the sentimonster just duplicates and copies their powers into its clones. Is this an allegory for Ol’ Gabe FINALLY figuring out how to dupe Felix, by absorbing his trickery and turning it back on him? :V

- Strike Back rips up the Ferris wheel to throw at them, and Ryuko unknowingly deflects it towards the top of the TV studio where Rena is hiding. Carapace SCREAMS her name and throws Shellter over the building so she won’t get hit.

- EVERYONE INCLUDING SHADOW MOTH IS NOW AWARE RENA IS STILL AN ACTIVE MIRACULOUS HOLDER. Which could have been avoided if Nino just didn’t YELL OUT HER WHOLEASS NAME, right? It’s reasonable to protect one of the tallest buildings in Paris; might not have been the wisest use of his power but nobody would question it! It’s not even implied he shouted because of Risk, this particular dumbassery is all his own.

How on Earth did Nino know, though? Did Alya bring him back into the loop? I seriously don’t remember that happening, but hell if I can recall half of what goes on in this show any more. Not to be Old Woman Yells At Cloud but I used to have such a good grip on what was happening in Miraculous and now I’m barely clinging on. :’V

Also, for once Carapace is the one everybody’s going >:0 at, which is a nice change from him picking on Chat Noir so much this season. Ah ha ha.

- OKAY. Alya confesses she told Nino about Rena Furtive because she just “couldn’t keep it from him”, so this is something that happened behind the scenes. LADYBUG SOUNDS SUPER MAD AT HER. This is so funny. I don’t hate any of these characters but they’ve been deeply frustrating for the latter half of the season and watching this all turn around is cathartic. :D

- Rena FINALLY notices everyone’s frog-shaped marks. There’s also a moment where Ladybug is about to wring Risk’s neck but Chat intervenes because he’s “good with kids” and Risk clings to him immediately. It’s pretty cute.

- CHAT GETS THROWN FROM OFFSCREEN INTO A BUILDING. GUESS BABYSITTING DIDN’T GO WELL. The heroes finally realise Risk is an akuma, and Shadow Moth is pleased because now Ladybug will second-guess everything she does. It’s a neat little two-layered plan; first she’s blissfully reckless and then she’s paranoid! Ladybug immediately orders Chat to go detransform because she won’t trust him with his Cataclysm, which I’m sure will do wonders for this argument they’re already having. :/

- Chat is left on the rooftop as everyone else leaves, and the fragile little way he mumbles “But I can help...” has me in TEARS. His Risk mark flares up a moment later and he leaps off towards one of the Strike Back clones, presumably to do something reckless that Ladybug will get mad about.

- Meanwhile, the girls try to de-akumatize Risk but can’t find his akumatized object because he hid it. Which is REALLY sneaky and honestly something Shadow Moth should instruct every akumatized person to do. Forget all these “megakumas” or whatever else Ol’ Gabe’s working on, just hide the key items and they’ll be borderline unstoppable!

- Chat gets pinned by a vehicle and tries to Cataclysm it to get free, only to have his attack stolen by Strike Back. That’s disappointing; I really expected him to prove Ladybug’s fears wrong by being sensible regardless of risk-taking but I guess we’re not doing that today. :/

- Ladybug gets mad and Lucky Charms up a day-old zoo ticket. Not sure what her plan is, but she decides she needs someone who hasn’t been hit by Risk - and of course her mind goes to Adrien-who-is-actually-Felix who she vividly recalls having no mark on his neck as she watched him board the train. UH OH. I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, I JUST DIDN’T KNOW HOW.

- Ladybug goes on a confusing tangent about whether or not her ideas are too risky, just as Shadow Moth anticipated. She plucks the Horse and the Rabbit Miraculous out of her yoyo dimension - never mind how she has the stopwatch after Season 1 established it belonged to Alix as a family heirloom. I don’t know WHAT is going on with the Bunnyx subplot any more, IT’S ALL STUPID - and merges them with the Ladybug Miraculous to come out looking like a video game avatar when you equip all your high stat items at once; then jumps through a portal to (I presume) give Felix his fifth heart attack of the day.

- Pegabunnybug and “Adrien” come out of adjacent bathrooms at the same time and spook each other. It’s like when the business convention has to share a venue with the sci-fi anime con! Felix instantly goes into recovery mode, as is his #1 talent, and (after subtly throwing his bag of stolen goods into the bathroom stall and closing the door) puts on his best wide-eyed Adrien impression.

- Instantly getting into his personal space, Ladybug checks “Adrien’s” neck and confirms he’s unmarked by Risk. If Felix is trying to save his cousin from being a doormat this is a sign to redouble his efforts; he dresses up as Adrien for 20 minutes and everyone keeps touching him! >:0

- She produces a Miraculous from her yoyo (lord help me I can’t recognise any of them any more :/) and Felix is very interested in this little pocket dimension. Now I was already assuming he’d steal whichever item this is but IS HE PLANNING TO SWIPE THE WHOLE DAMN YOYO? SWEETIE. IF THIS IS WHERE IT’S GOING NO WONDER PEOPLE ARE MAD AT HIM.

- Oh, the Dog Miraculous! SO IT’S GONNA BE LIKE THAT WHEN FELIX IS TRADITIONALLY A CAT HOLDER, IS IT. Not that I’m NOT Pro-Felix, and I guess they’ve recast the snake, the bee and technically the mouse when their holders didn’t suit, but this feels kinda mean to Sabrina when she’s done nothing to deserve losing it. I already know giving the power of item retrieval to a thief is a terrible idea, but I wonder who’s most at risk here; Nathalie, Gabriel or Ladybug?

- I wonder about “Adrien” doubting himself for a second here. Is that part of Felix’s impression of his pathetic cousin or a genuine reaction? I don’t see the point in hesitating if Ladybug is freely offering what he wants but maybe he’s just covering his ass; can’t look too eager.

I’ve talked about this before but this is what I mean with Felix, you know? When it comes to scenes like this nearly every Miraculous character can be sorted into two categories: “genuine” or “ingenuine but it’s very obvious”; but despite Felix’s theatrical villainy he has no clear goal or motivation like everyone else. I know this is a kiddie show for babies but I think the shift in parameters is why I’m consistently baffled and changing my interpretation of what’s happening.

That said, I’m sure he’s being fake as hell right now; just something to bring up. Let’s continue.

- HIS REACTION IS SO CUTE WHEN BARKK APPEARS. This is what Felix was expecting when he put on the fake Peacock Miraculous and he’s clearly amazed to see it for real! Now I think about it, wasn’t Barkk a little set apart from the other kwami in a couple of previous episodes; being a bit more vigilant and purpose-driven? Maybe she(?) and Felix will get along? :0

- OH MY GOD, THE TRANSFORMATION!!! THEY GAVE FELIX HIS THIGH HIGHS. GOD FUCKING BLESS. It’s a little disappointing he’s pretending to be Adrien right now, so we still don’t know what a costume tailored to Felix himself would look like (less gaudy than this, I imagine), but this is a lot more flattering than whatever Sabrina had going on and has several beats of Felix’s classic Chat Noir suit. The boots! The ball “bell”! The sharp shoulders, sleek arms and big ears!!! （ｉДｉ）

Throwing in a comparison. Those boots are spot on, pun fully intended.

Yet again I should switch this episode off here, I really should. Every single Felix Episode has a point where it can only go downhill and this is where I should stop; where he has yet to do anything horrific and also got a cute transformation. Alas, I press play. :(

- Yep, he immediately touches Ladybug’s yoyo under the pretence of learning how his powers work. Fortunately it’s ineffective since he needs to use the ball and not his bare hand, but he’s gunning for it. FELIX NOOOO.

- Ladybug’s plan is to go back into the past, I guess to find where Risk hid his akumatized object. That must be what the zoo ticket is for, I just figured it out. This is what happens when I don’t get a recap in a two-parter. She takes “Adrien” into Bunnyx’s rabbit hole dimension, and I can SEE him having an absolute meltdown trying to process all this but he’s holding it together like a champ.

I should start keeping a scoreboard of Felix’s heart attacks because this makes at least six in one day. Dropping into the Butterfly Lair, discovering Emilie’s corpse, Gabriel nearly catching him in the study, Nathalie touching his hand (>:0!!!), Pegabunnybug ambushing him on the train and now the rabbit hole dimension scrambling his brain. Good thing he’s probably a sentimonster because this would kill a normal person.

- They get spat out into the zoo scene from the previous episode, where Risk has just been akumatized. “Adrien” is here to simply throw the ball and hit the akumatized object; I guess so they can locate it in the future and not disrupt the timeline by grabbing it now.

I’d question why Ladybug couldn’t just quadruple up on Miraculous and do this herself, but they have thrown in the crippling doubt over her own actions (and I’m sure the excuse to get Adrien in on things is appealing to her) so fair enough. Turns out I was right about Felix being the key because he’s a sociopathic little bastard who can operate normally under these circumstances. :V

- Wow, Felix actually does as instructed! I thought he would tag Ladybug’s yoyo and run, but he just dutifully hits the frog toy and they both jump back into the portal. I assume he can’t pick more than one target without refueling his kwami, right?

- They return to the present and PARIS IS IN FLAMES, SOMEHOW. Is this shot a reference to the PV with Felix and Bri on the rooftop under the burning sky? It’s much less cinematic and Felix is dressed like a dog, but it definitely feels like a homage considering the characters we’re dealing with. That’s fun.

- The Miraculous Holders are dying, and Chat Noir is either the last one standing OR he’s gone off the rails and caused this whole mess. Ladybug instructs “Adrien” (who is still unnamed as a hero, I think?) to use his power and they locate the akumatized object with ease. This solves the Risk problem but now they have to deal with the duplicating sentimonster!

- Chat eavesdrops on Ladybug absolutely WORSHIPING the new guy. My first reaction was “wow she really is obsessed with Adrien”, but this is also after Adrien failed spectaclarly as Aspik (and Viperion became the new Snake Miraculous Holder), which I don’t think gets brought up often enough and puts a new angle on Ladybug congratulating him for doing everything right on his “first try”. :’0

- LADYBUG BLURTS OUT ADRIEN’S NAME. GIRL WHAT THE HECK, THE RISK MARKS ARE GONE. IS SHE JUST DUMB.

- Felix picks some absolutely horrific name for himself that I don’t know how to spell (but have since discovered it’s “Flairmidable”). I guess it doesn’t matter since he’ll probably never be a Miraculous Holder again. Maybe he eschewed some more on-the-nose dog puns like “Retriever” or “Courage” or Scrappy, lmao just to make Adrien look ridiculous? I can dream. Either way this should be a massive clue he ISN’T Adrien, who settled on the very creative “Black Cat” and had to stay up all night with Plagg’s help to come up with “Catwalker”, but nobody’s close enough to him to connect those dots. Adrien’s arguably better at costume design though; the cousins should pool their talents sometime.

- Chat seems to have missed Ladybug’s slip of the tongue, so he’s just very upset to see her bonding so hard with this new guy. It’s like a glimpse into an alternate universe where Adrien and Chat really ARE different people. Don’t worry honey, Flairmidable isn’t interested in girls like that; he just wants to rob her! >:V

- Ladybug returns Froggy’s plush toy to him, protective charm attached. Also, Rena Furtive is now out in the open with everyone? I know her existence got re-confirmed but unless Ladybug’s about to take her Miraculous away this seems like a horrible idea. Shadow Moth knows who she is! At least preserve the illusion of being a different person!!!

- Everyone goes to recharge, which I’m sure will give Felix another shot at stealing that yoyo. Chat is left alone and despondent. :(

- Shadow Moth is disappointed by Risk’s defeat, but is certain Ladybug must have made a mistake and “can’t wait to see what it is”. THAT WOULD BE FELIX, A TERRIBLE HORRIBLE MISTAKE UNCLE GABE IS PERSONALLY FAMILIAR WITH. :)

- Revisiting the sewers, Ladybug and Flairmidable detransform either side of the split tunnels like Marinette and Adrien have done before. Mari resolves to return “Adrien” to the Startrain and feels wrong for interfering (as if the real Adrien didn’t have a whole outburst just this morning about how much he hated this?), but “Adrien” claims he wants to stay here and fight by her side instead, leering at Barkk in a comically menacing way. GUESS THE NONSENSE IS STARTING. I UNCLIPPED MY SEATBELT FOR A SECOND THERE BUT TIME TO STRAP BACK IN. :/

- “You’ve given me the courage I needed, Ladybug. I feel like from now on, NOTHING can stop me.” OKAY EDGELORD, TONE IT DOWN.

I really want to know what Felix’s goals are here. He hasn’t shown interest in destroying the superheroes like Shadow Moth or obtaining power/control like Lila and Chloe - it’s mainly been about getting the family rings plus a side order of ruining Gabriel’s day (and Adrien’s if he gets caught in the crossfire, sorry buddy) and his interest in the Miraculous seems like a relatively new thing. He was also horrified by finding Emilie which tells me he’s not completely sociopathic. Clearly he’s about to do something horrible but I have trouble believing he’s just a villain with no good motive, you know?

- Back topside, the remaining Miraculous Holders (plus Rena, sans Chat) are on the exact same rooftop they nearly died on earlier. Very smart. Ladybug shows up with Flairmidable and officially introduces him as “the new holder of the Dog Miraculous!” SO I GUESS IT’S OVER FOR SABRINA. OOF. Chat Noir pops up over the railing right as she says this (while gazing at Flairmidable with adoration) which is VERY funny. Like oh no you DON’T. >:0

- Ladybug smooshes the pair of them together, clearly happy to have her two favourite guys side by side (Viperion wasn’t even invited today, second oof) and delighted with the cat/dog dynamic. Once again she’s ignoring Chat’s very obvious discomfort as if this setup is perfect! She laughs hysterically as the other Miraculous Holders look on with concern.

- Chat absolutely HATES this guy. Flairmidable gives a polite little “Nice working with you, Chat Noir :)” but it’s tinged with the same venom as Felix’s intro scene where he called Adrien his “favourite cousin”. I’m convinced this kid just can’t say ANYTHING nice without sounding evil, exactly like his uncle. :’)

- I’m wondering if this will be the consequence of all the times Chat had to put up with Rena. He didn’t trust her at ALL but had to just shut up and do what he was told as the girls worked everything out behind his back. Now Flairmidable is giving off positively evil vibes, but is Chat going to push it or assume Ladybug knows what she’s doing and he doesn’t have the right to say anything?

- Ladybug tells the boys to “shake paws” like they’re actual pets. Hold on to your ring, Chat, we all know what happened LAST time Felix shook hands with anyone. Chat reaches out very reluctantly but Flairmidable firmly grasps his hand and shakes it, putting in the extra distance like he’s REALLY determined to be friendly. Ladybug is trilling in excitement and completely ignoring Chat very obviously wanting to die right now. I feel kinda bad for them both, honestly. Also, is Felix lefthanded? :0

- Ladybug assures the boys they’re going to be spending a LOOOOT of time together now Flairmidable is on the team. FOREVER. Wasn’t this the exact problem they faced in Kuro Neko; when Adrien put on his princely public persona as Catwalker and Ladybug couldn’t function around him because he was too hot? Does her determination to have Adrien on the team overpower her decision not to work with anyone she’s attracted to? I’m sure this won’t matter because Felix will have robbed her by the end of the day and never be allowed a Miraculous again, but still.

- Ladybug Lucky Charms up a pair of sunglasses which Marc duplicates. While she’s explaining whatever the hell this plan is, Flairmidable subtly touches his ball to her yoyo. I KNEW he was up to shit. There’s various shots of everyone wearing their shades, and Flairmidable carefully handling his pair while Chat has just slapped them on and continued to glare is very funny.

- Flairmidable gets some kinda look on his face when he asks what Ladybug is planning to do with the sentimonsters, like he’s nervous. Hmm.

- Everyone leaps away but Flairmidable hangs back from the crowd. He looks like Dave Strider in these glasses and that wasn’t a comparison I was prepared to make today.

- Pegabug OPENS A GIANT PORTAL WHICH DROPS THE SENTIMONSTERS INTO THE FUCKING SUN. OKAY??? I GUESS THAT’S WHY EVERYONE NEEDED THE SHADES BUT JESUS....

- Flairmidable takes off his shades with a look of sadness, drops them at his feet where they shatter, then turns away with a sorrow-filled whisper of “I’m sorry”.

And I’m going to interrupt myself here with a post-liveblog sidebar because I WAS DUMB AS ROCKS ON MY FIRST WATCH. I initially interpreted this as Felix enjoying himself around the superheroes (especially after Chat accused him of having no friends; maybe this is his first experience being accepted by a group of peers) and being reluctant to betray them for whatever his bigger goal is, but now I absolutely believe he was talking to the sentimonsters, not the heroes. He was fine dispatching Risk (an akuma) but instantly nervous about what Ladybug planned to do with the Strike Back clones, and ultimately had to watch them die at the hands of the Miraculous Heroes - in a sequence framed a lot more dramatically than other episodes - while being unable to step in. Jesus FUCK. “Felix is a sentimonster” isn’t even a question at this point, is it.

ANYWAY.

- At the top of the Eiffel Tower, Shadow Moth is so enraged he jumps over the edge. I’m sure he’s bounding away to do more evil but THAT’S SO FUNNY; HE’S LIKE A TODDLER.

- Rena and Ladybug land in an alley just like before, perfectly synchronised. Are they still gonna have a serious discussion or is Ladybug riding high on inducting “Adrien” into the gang and ready to forgive everything?

- Marinette is willing to let things go, saying she understands the need to share everything with her best friend (Chat Noir is CRYING on a rooftop somewhere), but it’s actually Alya who renounces her Miraculous because she knows it’s too risky to continue as Rena now Shadow Moth knows? WHOA. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. I’ve been liking Alya more and more this season; I found her pretty irritating and reckless earlier in the show (when all her plotlines were about hindering Ladybug, having a boyfriend and/or not respecting Marinette’s boundaries with Adrien) but she’s really pulling through. Miraculous or not I hope she stays as Mari’s confidante.

- Ladybug goes back to the sewers to find Adrien, who ISN’T THERE. QUELLE SURPRISE.

- Cut to Gabriel returning home (in a very dignified way, after leaping off the Eiffel Tower in a blind rage) while on a call to Nathalie, complaining about this plan failing and demanding she cancel everything and bring Adrien home. THE WHIPLASH ADRIEN WOULD BE GETTING IF HE WERE ACTUALLY THERE. He strides into his study, still on the phone, and cue the funniest moment so far of this Gabriel/Felix feud.

- FLAIRMIDABLE IS JUST LOUNGING THERE, FULL COSTUME, FEET UP ON SHADOW MOTH’S DESK AND PLAYING WITH THE BALL. Strikingly similar to the way he greeted Adrien in the previous episode, and again lefthanded.

He does shift to spinning it with his right hand later, and I think he was messing with Adrien’s basketball righthanded too; so Felix must be ambidextrous. It would certainly fit his character considering he takes whichever side is most beneficial to him.

- GABRIEL DROPS HIS PHONE, AND AFTER TWO FULL EPISODES FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGES FELIX’S PRESENCE IN HIS HOME. Albeit this time with genuine surprise instead of murderous rage. Felix clarifies that he was the mistake Ladybug made, which is what we’ve all been saying.

I did have an extra note here to the effect of “I haven’t forgotten the remorseful way he abandoned the heroes tho”, but that’s out the window now I’ve realised Felix was upset about the sentimonsters. In his mind the Miraculous Holders probably deserve whatever they get!

- Also, Nathalie starts dying on the Startrain. Lila notices and looks pleased about it. Moving on.

- Cut to who I assume is the real Adrien exiting his ensuite bathroom, back in his normal clothes, and Ladybug leaping in through his open window. TO CHEW HIM OUT FOR STEALING THE MIRACULOUS FELIX TOOK, I’M SURE.

- Okay, at least Ladybug’s giving him the benefit of the doubt at first; assuming she forgot to tell Adrien where they should meet after the battle. You could say something about her trusting Adrien is in the right while Chat Noir is currently always in the wrong at ALL times, but I’m just glad Adrien’s reputation isn’t actually suffering because of Felix’s mischief. I’m Team Felix here but Adrien deserves a break.

- Ladybug mentions the train and Adrien realises what happened, ominously growling “FELIX”, and Ladybug’s horror movie reaction is amazing. Chill out guys, you don’t even know what he’s done yet! Adrien was still trying to figure out how Felix screwed him over by commandeering this modeling trip, you always expect the worst. Yes he’s actively committing an atrocity as we speak, but you shouldn’t just assume! >:0

- Back to the office and this is INCREDIBLE. I love these shots of Felix just making himself at home in other people��s stuff; he looks SO fucking full of himself. I also notice he’s got paw pads on his boots, which is another point on the “honouring Felix’s old costume” scoreboard:

The classic beans.

- So Felix wants the Peacock Miraculous now. He threatens to tell Adrien about the secret waifu dungeon beneath the mansion BUT offers Gabriel a trade: the Peacock for all the other Miraculous, and he’ll return the family ring he stole. I can’t believe we thought Lila was going to be the new villain striking deals with Shadow Moth, Felix is outrageous!

And I’m interrupting myself again, but lots of my commentary on this scene was “why does Felix want the Peacock? What’s up with him? Why is he giving up on the rings and why doesn’t he “need” the one he took any more?”; blah blah blah. He’s a sentimonster and the Peacock Miraculous is like handing a dog its own leash. Endless freedom baybee.

I think he was after Emilie’s ring - the one Nathalie currently has - because it contains Adrien’s amok (while Felix’s is likely in the ring he’s been wearing this whole time, which I believe belonged to his dad?), so he’s comfy returning Gabriel’s ring in this bargain because its only value is sentimental. I’m playing 5D chess in my brain with all this but I honestly think that’s what’s happening.

- “If I’d wanted to harm you, Uncle, I would have done it a long time ago.” KINDA FUCKED UP, BUT I GUESS THAT’S ON PAR WITH “I need only snap my fingers to make you disappear from here”. Affectionate death threats must run in the Agreste/Vanily families and Adrien gets excluded because he’s sensitive. Felix really tries being nice to him with the “my favourite cousin” stuff but it still comes out sounding evil. :/

- HOLY SHIT, GABRIEL ACTUALLY DOES IT. He renounces Duusu and swaps the Peacock brooch for the family ring!!! Both he and Felix hesitate warily before grabbing the items from each other; they really do NOT trust one another (despite being family; or probably because they’re family) and I love that.

- Felix makes good on his promise and “fetches” Ladybug’s compact. Gabriel grabs it from him in glee, cackling that Ladybug has FINALLY lost. GUESS FELIX IS HIS FAVOURITE NOW. Sucks to be the Miraculous Holders but I always said some kind of bargaining system would make things way easier than just threatening each other all the time!

- Upstairs, Ladybug is having a panic attack in Adrien’s room. Wouldn’t the yoyo disappear if she detransforms then reappear on her person? It’s tough to think clearly in a panic though and I do feel for her. I want to give her a hug. :(

- ADRIEN IS A TOTAL BESTIE. 10/10. He takes charge of the situation, instructs Ladybug to think and breathe, and shoves her into the bathroom where she can detransform in privacy. His ring is in full view for this shot - he’s ABSOLUTELY in Chat Noir mode and THIS is why he’s her partner! But poor Mari doesn’t trust anything about herself, her decisions or even that Adrien isn’t Felix right now and tricking her again. Sweetheart...! ; n ;

- Downstairs, Felix renounces the Dog Miraculous to Gabriel as well - who is cackling over his haul - and leaves the study with (I assume) just the Peacock. I’m sure Adrien’s about to rugby tackle him across the foyer and THAT I would love to see.

- Ladybug retransforms (baby girl, sweetie, if only you’d done that instantly...! :’0) and is too late! Gabriel took ALL the Miraculous except hers, Chat Noir’s, and the Peacock. Even the Fox is gone because Alya gave it back to Marinette this afternoon. THIS HAS ALL WORKED OUT HORRIBLY. Is this implying Season 5 will draw back on the huge fleet of heroes but deliver on crazy new outfits for Gabriel? I hope so.

- Adrien gets a burst of courage (this time not from an akuma) and opens the bathroom door to speak to Ladybug; maybe planning to reveal his identity as Chat Noir to give better support than his civilian self can. She’s gone by the time he enters. :(

- Ladybug is outdoors crying in the rain. Hawk Moth (I guess he’s not Shadow Moth any more?) does a ridiculous Eye of Sauron thing in the sky; like his introduction in Origins except even campier with a massive ring of Miraculous symbols.

- During his evil speech we cycle through several of the (ex) Miraculous Holders looking mad about it. Hi Luka, nice to see you at least once before the season ends. They have Chloe here too and even she looks upset; could this be a hint she’s coming back as Queen Bee or at least allying with the heroes?? PLEASE. It’s only been half a season and I am SO tired of Zoe.

- Cut to Felix on the Startrain, and I’m sure Ladybug’s wellbeing comes first but frankly I’m amazed Chat Noir hasn’t camped out at the train station to beat his ass. He’s gotta go home sometime! >:0

We see the Peacock Miraculous has redesigned itself to suit him which is really cool. It reminds me a bit of his classic Black Cat ring.

The pointed edges almost look like cat ears.

Felix also looks, like... really happy to have it. Not ‘evil’ happy, relieved happy; holding it to his chest and closing his eyes with a peaceful smile. This is clearly important to him on a personal level and not just about causing more chaos. And here is my VERY belated realisation that Felix is a sentimonster who just won his own freedom, holy SHIT.

- Back to Ladybug. Chat Noir appears by her side, standing upright and fierce while she’s curled up and small. She FINALLY realises all the nonsense she’s been putting him through this season and can’t understand why he’s still here.

I’m glad they’re actually addressing this. I’ve enjoyed the angsty dynamic of Chat getting sidelined but it’s frustrating when every confrontation has gone nowhere. Marinette’s had a huge amount on her shoulders this season so I don’t blame her for being stressed and distracted, but she will NOT let Chat help her and has preferred to ignore/placate him in small doses instead of actually sitting down to address the problem. Like it’s wildly inconvenient he doesn’t know what’s going on with her, but she also won’t tell him and then gets mad when he steps on her toes. I don’t think they should reveal identities if Ladybug isn’t ready (and Chat is wrong to keep asking, even if he’s only pressing so hard because he thinks it’ll fix things), but it’s a big leap between that and just, like... keeping Chat in the loop so he isn’t confused. Fortunately that shouldn’t be a problem any more! :D

- ANYWAY. Chat pulls Ladybug to her feet and into a hug, swearing to her they’ll get all the Miraculous back one by one. GUESS THAT’S THE PLOT OF SEASON 5. Also the entirety of Paris is out here cheering for her (despite Hawk Moth blaming her for allowing this mess to happen) which is really sweet. And if the blush on her cheeks is any indication, maybe she’s falling in love with Chat Noir now? :0

Gorgeous final scene. Very atmospheric.

SO WOW. HOLY SHIT, WHAT AN EPISODE.

I was anticipating a Miracle-Queen-esque storyline which would take Felix from an intriguing character to a ridiculous villain with bland motives (and then I’d have to work overtime to insist he’s still likable/interesting), but this was so much more exciting than I expected!!! Once again Felix gets more done in one episode than the rest of the characters in a whole season, but the way the status quo has been changed up is fascinating. It might not be just Hawk Moth vs the Miraculous Heroes any more - it looks like Felix has created a third side for sentimonsters and he’ll ally with or step on whichever group benefits him most. This is WILD.

So my thoughts on Felix specifically. I think he’s a perfect example of a “chaotic neutral” character. Here’s a DND definition I swiped from Google:

‘A chaotic neutral character is an individualist who follows their own heart and generally shirks rules and traditions. Although chaotic neutral characters promote the ideals of freedom, it is their own freedom that comes first; good and evil come second to their need to be free.’

Doesn’t that sound like him? Like they literally printed this out and stuck it on the wall while designing Felix “God Damn” Vanily.

I imagine a lot of fans hate him because he’s made things harder for the main characters, and I agree, he did! He tricked Adrien, undid three seasons’ worth of progress, delivered all the extra Miraculous directly to Shadow Moth, and Ladybug’s breakdown towards the end of the episode was painful to watch. I absolutely get it. But that doesn’t make Felix a villain. It doesn’t even make him a bad person per se - he’s just not on anyone’s side. He shows up, gets his shit done and leaves. Fair play.

(That said, I really do think he was planning to help Adrien get out of this international photoshoot and got distracted by the ring. Yes he wanted to break into Gabriel’s safe, but he could have done that at just about any time without engaging his cousin! Felix took the time to push that “freedom is something you make” sentiment and yet again encourage Adrien to stand up for himself. I think he does genuinely care about him his wellbeing at least, not Adrien’s reputation lmao and just has no clue how involved Adrien is with the Miraculous stuff.)

I also don’t know what to expect from him in the future. I’ve seen assumptions he’ll wield the Peacock Miraculous as a new villain, but if he sees sentimonsters as living beings then will he? Shadow Moth and Mayura were fine creating and dismissing as many as they pleased but I don’t think Felix could do that; he’d have to be extremely picky if he even used it at all. Gabriel is the only one who knows Felix has the Peacock right now too; so it’s not like the Miraculous heroes will be kicking down his door looking for it (RIP my hopes for the London Special :’D). They know he’s a traitorous bitch but not what he got out of the deal; at least not yet.

I also wonder what his relationship will be with Duusu. Maybe part of Duusu’s emotional fragility is because he feels the same way about sentimonsters being alive/enslaved/abused, and if Felix is a sentimonster himself then they might get very attached to each other. And Felix has worked completely solo thus far, bouncing off people but having no actual allies, so giving him someone like Duusu (a magic pet who is a lot of responsibility and can hold a conversation) will be a very interesting exposé of his character.

I’m personally in the camp that he’ll huffily take care of Duusu’s ridiculous needs, loudly complaining that he should just ship the Peacock Miraculous back to his uncle while putting together an expensive Barbie Dreamhouse for him to live in and pre-slicing Duusu’s favourite trashy pizza rolls. Maybe they’ll just make Felix super duper evil in Season 5 but I can dream. :’)

SO. I THINK I’M DONE. JESUS CHRIST I NEED TO LIE DOWN. Thanks for reading if you got this far! Rehydrate, take an Ibuprofen, tell me your thoughts and I’ll see you again for the next round of Felix nonsense! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

#LORD PRESERVE ME I HOPE THIS FORMATS CORRECTLY. i wasn't battling so much with the post editor this time but i'm still wary #hopefully this will be more entertaining than the previous review post now i know the outcome of this storyline!#also i have like. SO much flairmidable fanart to post. i adore this horrible dog boy #please let me know if you especially liked any part of this! but also go easy on me; i am fragile :'V #josie talks about things #felix graham de vanily #miraculous ladybug

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donaweasley · 3 years ago

Text

What If

Pairing: Loki x Fem! Avenger! Reader

Plot:

A silly game of “What-Ifs” between two friends eventually leads to the realisation that the future, if spent together, may not be as bleak as they had anticipated it to be. A dialogue-based best friends-to-lovers cliché.

Warnings: Relationship angst, too many dialogues, long read, happy ending!!!

Read time: ~28 mins

Author's Note:

It's a long read with far more dialogues than can be deemed healthy. The reason is, I didn't want their arc to feel rushed. It had to be cooked slow. Another reason is that, I can't help hearing my characters, and it triggers a flood of dialogues! I'm trying to work on controlling it. 😬 Hope you enjoy!

Now has a sequel: Their Little Secret

“C’mon! You’re breaking the rules now,” Loki casually waved his hand at his best friend.

“I’m not. There’s nothing to answer really,” (Y/N) replied with a shrug.

“There must be something on your mind!”

She pretended to think for a second, and shook her head.

---------------------

It was a usual night in the compound. It was just another night when one of these two friends had called the other in the middle of the night for some midnight snack. It was just another of those happy times when they had tiptoed into the kitchen like thieves because...no, no one would mind some missing nachos or ice creams, but because it was fun!

It wasn’t easy for Loki to open up to someone, let alone to allow the other person in. Neither was it easy for (Y/N) to trust somebody, given her past, especially when that somebody was infamous for betraying almost everyone, at every step, not to mention his attempts at ruling Earth and causing massacre.

But time is a healer and a magician.

And here they were now, looking at the moon-washed night life through the west-facing glass wall, and playing a game of “what-ifs”. One would say that it was silly and immature; some would even call their talks gibberish. But when the night was so relaxed and carefree, why wouldn’t they be?

The pale yellow orb hovering above the western horizon cast a soft ray of light through the glass wall. Oblivious to its movements across the room, Loki and (Y/N) were wrapped in a thin blanket on a couch, their feet resting on two separate pouffes.

It had all started with a silly question, something like, “What if you weren’t stuck in this building tonight?”, or something along those lines; they didn’t even remember correctly anymore.

One question led to the other, and soon they found themselves tangled in a game of questions that would have been enough to create an alternate reality. But eventually, they found themselves, not answering with imaginary scenarios, but debating over one particular question:

“What if you find the love of your life tomorrow?”

This question was posed by Loki, rather theatrically, amidst the many others that had tossed different possibilities of their near future. And it was here that (Y/N) refused to play along anymore because, as she stated, it was “the most silly question ever”.

---------------------

“So, you claim that my question is even worse than your ‘What if you were a Jotun cat’? What kind of a question is that anyway?” Loki teased.

“Of course, it is. Undoubtedly!” With one wave of her hand, (Y/N) dismissed his appeal.

“And how is that even logical, may I know?”

“C’mon, this entire game is out of the boundaries of logic,” she claimed. “Your behaviour is like that of a cat. Don’t make that face; it brings you closer to being a cat. And...a Jotun cat sounds cool!”

Loki sighed. “And my question is ridiculous! If the game is beyond all reason, then...” he shrugged, “say something...weird, and move on!”

“Fine! If I-if... If I meet the love of my life tomorrow,...I’ll stab him. Or her. Or them. I don’t even know.” She huffed.

“Ouch!” Loki made a face, ”Didn’t see that coming. I would enjoy the stabbing part though. Thank the Norns, you never declared your feelings for me!”

She looked at him sideways with a stern face. Loki noticed the irritation simmering just beneath her skin, ready to burst out at the next prodding.

“Hey,” he placed a hand on her arm, “what happened? Was it something I said?”

She turned her face away. But Loki wasn’t giving up that easily.

“(Y/N),” he gently tugged at her arm, “look at me.”

When she finally turned towards him, he held her by the shoulders just to make sure that she couldn’t move away again.

“Now, you’ll tell me everything. What happened?” He inquired again. “I thought you were having fun.”

“It’s nothing Loki, it’s just that...you know I don’t like discussing my non-existent love-life. It’s...it kind of makes me...sad sometimes. Especially in a setting like this!” She waved her hands at her surroundings. “I mean, look at it, a full moon, a silent night, blankets and… It just leaves me with this reminder that I’ll be alone all my bloody life!”

Loki’s hands slowly retracted from her form and folded themselves on his chest. And just like that, they both found themselves staring out of the window.

“I’m sorry,” Loki’s voice audibly reflected the guilt that had formed within, “I never intended to...”

“No, you shouldn’t be. It’s...I overreacted. I’m sorry, Loki. I just ruined the mood. Shit! And it’s not my hormones, mind you!”

“I know,” Loki chuckled. “And you did not ruin anything. It’s natural to feel, isn’t it?”

She looked at him with a raised brow, “Somebody’s learning!”

“Somebody’s got a good teacher,” he smiled.

“Aww!! I love it when you acknowledge my awesomeness!” She wrapped an arm around him, pulling him in closer, and pinched his cheek.

“Ugh! Let go of me! Let...go!!”

The room was filled with (Y/N)’s cackles and Loki’s threats as he wriggled out of her grip.

“Do that one more time, and I’ll stab you!”

But it wasn’t enough to stop her chortles.

“Would you now?” she teased, and raised her hands again in a faux attempt at squeezing his cheeks.

He swatted them away.

“Stop it!” He warned again, only to emanate snorts from her.

But the next second, his voice changed into a compassionate one, “Why do you think you’ll be alone all your life? How old are you anyway? 80? 90? Isn’t that supposed to be old in human years?”

Once again her cheerful mood fled behind a thick curtain of annoyance. But this time she did not look away. She simply rolled her eyes, and pulled her legs from the pouffe to sit cross-legged, and shifted to face him.

“No, I’m not that old. But why are you suddenly so interested in this topic?”

“Because suddenly, you seem to have found an interest in getting annoyed.”

“Then don’t annoy me.”

“Not in my nature, I’m afraid.”

She couldn’t decide whether to hit him or laugh at him.

“Loki-” She curled her fists and shut her eyes.

“I’m listening, darling,” he smirked.

Of course, she knew how stubborn Loki could be!

Who else would know that better than me?

“Okay,” she placed her palms flat on her thighs, “the thing is...I can never make a relationship last more than two years. I waste my time trying to establish a...a proper, long-lasting relationship - something permanent - and end up with a heartbreak. Every. Fucking. Time. I’ve given up. I’ve had enough! Now, even if anyone makes a move, or if I’m interested in someone, I just remind myself that it’s not gonna work! I just don’t put any effort anymore.”

Loki hummed in response; his eyes were focused on her as if he was trying to decipher a mystery.

“And,” she continued, “given my current ‘job’,” she air-quoted the word, “I’m more sure than ever that no one will last more than two months now!”

Once she voiced the storm in her head, her eyes softened and she looked down at her lap. Through hooded eyes, she stole a guilty, fleeting glance at her friend, who seemed to be musing about something really serious. His eyes were strained on the carpet, while his chin rested on a fisted hand balancing itself on his thigh.

For a long moment neither said anything. Only the distant buzz of the sleepless city floated through the air and filled the room.

It was Loki who disrupted the silence with a long and heavy sigh.

“I knew that Midgardian men were impatient, narcissistic-”

“Look who’s talking,” she smirked as she interrupted him.

He gave her a quick deadpanned stare before resuming, “-imbeciles, but I was beginning to think that they have good tastes in women. It’s disappointing, not surprising though, that they have proven me wrong.”

A small laugh almost made its way to its escape, but she pushed it back. “You think so?” She quipped.

He shrugged, “From what you’ve said, there is no reason to think otherwise.”

She sat a little straighter. “Really? Do go on!”

Loki immediately noticed the effect that he had planned for. Without giving away the joy of his small triumph, he continued, “Indeed! Look at you! You’re an amazing woman! You’re brave, witty, independent...smart...excellent with knives! And that’s my favourite thing about you, by the way. ”

Feigning offence, she exclaimed, “And I thought your favourite thing about me was that I tolerate all your tantrums, and keep up with your shenanigans.”

“I don’t throw tantrums, darling,” he pushed the accusation away with his silky tone, “and don’t tell me that you take no pleasure in the havoc that we wreck together.”

At this, she could no longer suppress the evil grin that spread across her face, “I do love a bit of chaos. It’s fun.”

“To think of it,” Loki added excitedly, “had you been on Asgard, you might have been the Goddess of Chaos!”

“Oh! Thank you!” She replied with a dramatic wave of her hands.

Both laughed at the way their words were unfolding.

“Thank you, Loki,” (Y/N) said after their little whirlwind of laughter had calmed down, “I guess I needed to hear something nice about myself. It’s been a long, long time since I heard it.”

“I meant every word of it,” he replied in a solemn tone that made something flutter in her chest.

Was it gratitude? Was it joy? Was it love for her best friend?

It was hard to tell. It seemed to be everything at once.

She simply smiled at him. “Even the ‘Goddess of Chaos’ part?”

“Especially that part,” he asserted, and she laughed.

“You’re the best, Loki!” She gave him a half hug.

“That, I definitely am. But you’re not too shabby yourself. And you should never ever be sad for someone else’s failure.”

“Alright, I get what you’re trying to do here,” she landed a playful punch to his shoulder. “I’m fine! Really! I just got a little carried away.”

“No, I really mean it,” he tried to assure her. “You are one of the most magnificent women I have known! And mind you, I’m rather picky in these cases.”

She laughed, “Of course, I’d know that! ... Loki, it’s...it’s alright. Some people just don’t have it in them to sustain relationships no matter how wonderful they are. I’m okay with it.”

“Come on! A narcissistic God is showering you with genuine compliments! And you’re still not convinced that it’s not your fault but of all those who failed to keep up with you?”

She tried another attempt at convincing him, “It works both ways.”

“Norns! I can’t believe you’re so foolish!”

“Enlighten me, please,” she drawled.

“I believe I have already established the fact that you are phenomenal.”

When she giggled and nodded, he carried on.

“Good. Now, your job, as you put it, shouldn’t be a hindrance in your relationship. You’re doing the marvellous job of being a guardian to thousands of people. People you don’t even know! How many would put their necks out there to do it?”

“C’mon, Loki, when duty calls, you have to leave everything behind and just go! Who’d tolerate that for days? They will snap one day.”

“I’d never do that!” Realizing his mistake, he quickly corrected himself, “What I mean is, had I been in their place, I’d have never done that.”

“That’s because you’re on the team,” she argued. “So, it’s normal to you.”

“No, it’s not because I’m on the team. I’d-” He sighed. “Fine, why don’t you try finding someone from this field? Stark’s parties are a great place to hunt humans.”

“‘Hunt humans’?” She snorted, “I like the sound of that. Nay, haven’t found anyone. Besides, mixing professional and personal life can be fatal. You never know when your personal life might get jeopardised because of a mission gone wrong. Y’know, the usual blame-game and all. I hate all that!”

Loki brooded over her words for a few seconds before asking, “I don’t get it. Why would it be fatal? I mean, look at us,” he gestured in between them. “We have a perfect understanding. We’d never blame the other for any petty thing. Or-or let it affect our friendship.”

“That’s because we have the perfect understanding, Loki! You said it yourself. It’s a rare thing that we have. And I can’t expect it to be with anyone else. They’re not you, Loki.”

“They’re not us,” he corrected her.

Joy seeped through his senses as he watched her face brighten up at his words.

With a nod, she continued, “You see, all that spark, excitement, promises - these sound really great at the beginning. As time passes, as the real world pushes in, love moves to the backseat. Love is not enough. There comes a time when you have to balance everything together, and love becomes one of those things. It becomes a chore.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t follow you,” Loki stated with a frown. “That sounds so sad!”

“It is!”

“Well, it shouldn’t be! Loving you shouldn’t be a chore! Let’s say...hypothetically...if I’m in love with you, then you’d be my passion. And passions never become a duty, not even in the worst of times. Instead, they help us breathe when everything comes caving in. You’d be my...my moment of peace in a war. How could I not be tempted to embrace this beautiful moment?”

“Unfortunately, Loki, that’s not how it works. See, when you have a lot on your plate, say your job, your dreams, your daily life and all the pressure that comes with these, you’ll find less and less time for your loved one. Things get hectic and eventually frustrating. You won’t be able to keep that flame alive even if you want to. And one day, you’ll come to realize that you have distanced yourself from your moment, even if you never wanted to. But it’d be too late. There’d be no going back.”

“I’d never distance myself from you! I mean, from my moment. I’ve been a king, and I know how taxing royal duties can be. Sometimes, it seemed like a luxury to get even a minute to myself.”

“See? So, how could you have found time for me?”

“I would have, darling. Not plenty, but whatever little time I’d have gathered, I’d have made them memorable. For you. For us. And maybe we could have gone on long rides occasionally. Rekindle the old flames? Or-or we could have gone on visits to other realms...for political reasons, of course, but could have taken the opportunity to spend a small vacation with each other. What do you say?”

Painfully tempting images of a life that could have been floated in her eyes.

“And what if we came back to Earth, and I got involved in...say, a job that was all hectic and left me all frustrated, and with little time for you?” She shrugged.

With a sigh, Loki shifted to face her fully. “We will take care of each other, (Y/N). If one gets low, the other pulls both up. And I know that together, we can do anything! I believe in you more than I believe in myself.”

She smiled brightly as she acknowledged, “That is...that sounds doable, yes.”

“You’re special,” he placed a hand on her cheek, “and you need to be treated in the most special manner. One that befits my queen.”

A moment passed between them as they looked into each other's eyes, both seeing the same beautiful picture.

His queen!

My queen!!

Wait, what is he...?

Damn! What am I doing! What will she...!

Loki cleared his throat as he abruptly pulled his hand back to his side.

“I’m sorry, I...”

“No, it’s okay,” she cringed at the way the words squeaked out of her. Clearing her throat, she continued, “We were just giving examples.”

“Yes, just examples,” he agreed.

“It’s fine! I understand.”

“Great! It’d have been quite...awkward...otherwise.”

“Oh no! It’s...uh...totally fine. We’re best buddies!” She gave his arm a light punch.

“Right!” He nodded, and focused his gaze on the floor.

After taking a minute to calm his heart, he wore his witty persona back.

“See, having a relationship is not at all tough. All you need is a good partner. And I’ve proved myself right again! No, wait. There’s something you mortals do. It’s...uh...about throwing something...”

“Goblets? We don’t do that. It’s you-”

“No, not throwing, it’s about dropping something...after you have proven a point...”

“...Mic drop?” She chuckled.

His eyes lit up.

“Yes! ‘Mic drop’. So, as I was saying, all you need to have a happy and successful relationship is a good partner. Mic drop!” He concluded as he mimicked the action.

She sighed. “There’s just one tiny problem. I’d probably never find the right person. The ones that flirt with me, don’t understand me, and the ones that understand me have friendzoned me.”

“I’ve never friendzoned you,” Loki quickly replied with a frown. “J-Just clarifying...in case you were talking about me.”

“Of course, I’m talking about you, you big oaf!” She flicked his arm.

“Hey! You friendzoned me.”

“No…? It was you! Well, yeah, I never tried to flirt with you or anything but...anybody could see that you were being just my friend.”

“I can say the same about you,” Loki playfully accused.

“Whatever,” she shrugged.

A thought started playing in her mind. And a couple of seconds later, she decided to say it aloud, “I...umm...Just curious...y’know, don’t take it in any other way. Did you ever think of flirting with me?” She put forward each word very cautiously.

Loki furrowed his brows, and opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, she warned him, “Be honest!”

Immediately, his confident attitude changed into a helpless one. “Yes, I did. Maybe once. Or twice. But that was all! I assure you!”

She could hardly contain the amusement that was bubbling inside.

“What’s so funny about it?” Loki asked with furrowed brows.

“Nothing,” she shook her head as she tried to hold back her laughter, “nothing at all. It’s,” and then she lost it, “I’m sorry! It’s funny! I don’t know why, I find it funny hearing from you!”

“Look who’s laughing!” He said wryly. “I could clearly hear your thoughts the first few days after I stepped into this structure. Every compliment that your little mind cooed at my divine persona. And may I dare say that not all of them were decent.”

Her hysterics were long forgotten as her face went red at the comment.

“How dare you invade my mind?” Her hand had balled into a fist, ready to hit his arm when he caught it.

“I didn’t invade it, darling. You were practically shouting inside that pretty head of yours. I could have heard it from the other side of the planet!”

“That was a long time ago,” she refused to meet his eyes. “I make better choices and better decisions now.”

“Do you?”

She opened her mouth to speak but closed it without uttering a syllable, and crossed her arms.

Loki nudged her with his elbow. “Hey, it’s fun to tease you. Don’t be a spoilsport.”

“I hate you,” she peeked at him through the corner of her eye.

“What can I say,” Loki sighed. “Alright, if you say so.”

She smirked as she glanced at him sideways.

Loki cleared his throat in a not-so-subtle manner. “So, the next time Stark throws a party, I’ll find someone for you.”

Immediately, she face-palmed, and groaned, “No.”

“What?”

“Please drop this topic. And you’d probably find me a psychopath, anyway” She joked.

“That hurt!” Loki exclaimed with a hurt look masking his humour, “do you think so little of me? Can’t I find a proper partner for my best friend, my darling?”

“No, it didn’t hurt. Don’t fake it. I know you better than anyone.”

“No, you don’t. You-”

“I do. And...I’m fine, Loki” she reassured him, “being with myself, with the people here, being with you.” She gently bumped her knee into his.

“Will these be enough?” His tone had left the playfulness behind. “Will I be enough? For all your life?”

She shrugged, “I think so. You...stick with me all the time, you understand me, you...make me feel good. What more could I want to be happy?”

“You know what more you are missing. A friend can never touch the boundaries of what a lover can give you.”

“I don’t need a lover. Just be with me all my life, and I won’t need anyone else.”

He gave her hand a light squeeze. “I will. I promise.”

Her playful smile was back. “Thanks for all the pep talk, my dearest God. But turns out that I’m better off alone. Now can we please go back to the game? It’s my turn to ask you.”

“Alright,” he smiled back, “if you say so.”

“Stop saying that!” A defeated sigh left her. “You won’t be convinced, will you?”

“Probably not. Because I know that this will gnaw at you again a few days later. I know you’ll be sad again. And that I won’t allow on my watch.”

“God!”

“Right here, listening to you!” Loki quipped.

Rolling her eyes, she muttered, ”Damn you!” And proceeded to put forward a proper argument.

“The reason why I’m avoiding a new relationship is because I don’t want another heartache. I can’t handle breakups. That’s why I’m...”

When Loki didn’t make another attempt at dissuading her from her arguments, she added, “I just...try everything to avoid a heartbreak. Because when I get one, I lose control over myself.”

“Yes, I’ve seen. Once.”

“Then you must have noticed how vicious I become. Sarcasm drips from my mouth all the time, I say things that I shouldn’t, I...I hurt people. And in turn, I hurt myself. I yell at those who want nothing but good for me. But...”

“But being mean seems to be the only way to mask the pain,” he finished her line.

“It does, yes!”

She looked at him, and into his eyes that silently spoke of the pain that was resurfacing. She remembered something.

“You and I are so...alike!”

He nodded with a smile. “And maybe that is why we understand each other more than anyone ever could. … But we’re more than just being alike, if you think about it.”

She noticed how his voice gradually rose from its usual calmness to an excited tone, and his hands moved with his words.

Loki continued, “You point out my mistakes but don’t accuse me like everyone else does. You show me what’s right. And there’s this-this thing about you, which is so scary...the way you make me do all the things that you want. I-I mean, I am the God here! But you…a mortal...how can you have so much power over me?”

He sighed as his voice dropped to a compassionate tone, “You make me happy, (Y/N). You’ve taught me to forgive when I can, to forget what I can’t fix.”

“Don’t always do that,” she interrupted with a smirk.

His evil smile made a brief appearance before he resumed his warm note, “I like being with you. No...I love being with you! You make me feel good. You make me feel...I don’t know.... You make me feel…”

“Complete?”

“Yes!” He observed her, “You complete me.”

For yet another time, silence enveloped them. The only difference was that this time, it was comfortable. Even in their hushed moments, they could hear each other, know what the other wanted to say.

After a while of exchanging quiet stares, (Y/N) spoke, “All this time I believed, but now I know for myself, that you are indeed Silvertongue!”

Loki looked at his lap and laughed, but in the pale light of the setting moon, she noticed the pink that had crept up his ears and cheeks.

“I meant every word of what I said,” he reassured her once again that evening.

“I know, Loki.”

Loki watched her as she shifted to a kneeling position, and leaned towards him. He felt his face becoming hotter as she supported herself on his shoulder with one hand, and placed a soft kiss on his cheekbone.

As she settled back, her lips tingled with the memory of Loki’s skin on it.

They had been best friends, yes, but she had never allowed herself more than a quick hug because she knew that Loki wasn’t someone open to random touches. And she wanted to respect that. Always.

But this peck felt right. It felt necessary. And it felt...different.

What happened next wasn’t guided by logic anymore, but only by their senses.

Loki put his legs back on the pouffe, and scooted a little closer to (Y/N). Taking the cue, she shifted so that her leg was stretched out, and back on the pouffe - not on hers but his - and sat close to him. He arranged the blanket so that it covered them both again.

Another stretch of silence enveloped them. To them, the moment was beautiful. To Loki, who had never experienced anything similar before, it was precious. If he could stop time, he would have done it right then and there.

“Why haven’t you found anyone yet?” She asked him.

“Royalty has its disadvantages,” he replied without taking a moment to think.

She leaned back slightly to get a good look at his face, “Didn’t you ever find anyone from the royal...uh...what do you call it? Of royal blood?”

Loki laughed at her naivety. “Can’t say I didn’t. But none of them were the one. Besides, most people chose my handsome brother over me. And if anyone chose me, well, it was mostly because of my royal title. None of them were real.”

“That’s awful! I would never have done that to you! I’d have chosen you for the wonderful being that you are. But, I get it; happens on our planet, too.”

“Everywhere,” he asserted.

“So...who do you think is the one for you?”

He looked down at her face, which was mere inches away from his. For the first time in months of their friendship, he felt something swell inside his chest at the closeness.

“I still don’t know,” he whispered, “but I think the Norns might have started giving me clues.”

He didn’t need to explain, obviously. All the tension that had been building up throughout the night had placed them both on the same page.

Without thinking, Loki moved his wrist so that his palm was facing the ceiling. And instinctively, (Y/N) placed her hand in it, their fingers closing around each other.

"It's odd," she announced after a while.

"Indeed."

"It's weird. I mean, what were we even thinking!" She huffed, although she was still clutching his hand, as was he holding hers.

"Exactly what I was thinking. You and me?” Loki laughed nervously, “Come on!"

"Yeah!"

"Right".

Silence, their faithful companion for the night, visited them once again.

"Could it be? You and me?" Loki’s voice was a little more than a whisper, and bordered on the edge of confidence and doubt.

"Doesn't sound so bad. Not after all these... Talks?" She whispered back.

"Right!"

"Right."

And once again, they fell quiet.

The strangeness of the moment pushed them both into a whirlpool of thoughts. From acquaintances to partners to friends to best friends to...lovers?

Can this even be possible? What if it’s just a passing phase? What if everything goes back to normal tomorrow? Will we still be able to talk normally? But… This feels right. Just...right.

With a sigh, (Y/N) put her head on Loki’s shoulder.

"I don't want to rush into anything and ruin what we have," she confessed in a hushed tone, eyes staring into the night outside.

"Neither do I. You're the only one I have."

With a raised brow, she looked up at him.

"And Thor," he corrected himself with a small smile.

"Glad you remember him "

"Shut up.

Slowly, hesitantly, Loki put his free hand around her. Unsure of the appropriateness of the action, he kept his arm loosely hanging around her frame.

He waited for a while. Had Loki looked at her face, instead of looking straight ahead in fear, he would have noticed the small smile that had formed on her lips.

When she didn’t flinch or protest, he began to rest his arm properly but gently on her. He even went ahead and made the slightest possible effort to pull her closer to him.

The smile that had started forming on her now spread wide enough to turn into a grin. Its reflection was found on Loki’s face, too, who could finally muster the courage to look at her, although he was equally worried that she would be able to hear his heart trying to hammer its way out of his chest.

With every minute that passed, Loki became more baffled, for he couldn’t decide which moment he’d frame and hang on the wall of his heart as the most precious one.

"Are you feeling hot?" She asked without looking at him.

"A bit, yes. You, too?"

"Quite a bit, actually," she gulped.

"Is it normal?"

"I guess, yes. Totally! Had we been cool about it, it'd have meant that there's no spark between us. It’d have felt awkward, wrong."

"So, you agree that there's a spark between us?" He didn’t even attempt to hide the mischievous smirk that shone on his face.

"I had always suspected," she nodded.

"Hmm. When was the last time we went out for dinner?" He asked.

“Probably last month...or was it-”

(Y/N)’s head snapped up to look at him. She could barely put a lid on her excitement.

"Are you proposing to take me out on a date?"

"Well, if we are going to do this, then I'd like to court you properly."

She felt like she'd burst out of sheer excitement.

"If you'd agree to it, that is" Loki clarified.

Taking a large breath, she replied, "I'd love it."

The night was going better than either had expected. Who would have thought that a game of weird questions and a few confessions could change their lives!

(Y/N) put her head back on his shoulder, and let her body slump against him. He held her confidently this time.

“It still feels weird though,” she declared.

“It does, yes, but...maybe this is...right?” In a long time, Loki was hopeful about something, and he wasn’t going to let it slip away. No.

“I hope so.”

“Me, too.”

“Just so you know,” she sat up straight, “Thor is handsome, yes, but you are devilishly charming. You’re intelligent, well-read, witty, sarcastic, great at combat...uh...”

“Go on,” Loki smirked, earning a playful glare from her.

“You are,” she continued, “seductive! And who can resist a sorcerer who knows his way around everything!”

The evil smile that Loki had put away found its way back on his face. “As far as I remember, I did nothing to seduce you. I wonder what will happen if I try...”

“Shut up, Loki! You know I give away raw compliments. I didn’t really mean...I didn’t think...”

He laughed heartily at the furious way she was blushing.

“I was only pulling your leg. I had imagined you to be wise,” he clarified.

“I am! It’s just... I was...” She shook her head.

“So,” Loki resumed, “you think I’m devilishly charming?”

“Drop the topic, please!”

“You can’t resist my sorcery, ha?”

“Please change the topic! Forget what I said!!”

Loki laughed as he continued teasing her. It wasn’t going to be an easy ride, she realized, with the God of Mischief, but it was going to be the best ever!

“(Y/N)?”

“Hmm?”

“I know it was your turn to ask but, what if...you and I are indeed meant to be together?”

She smiled as she rubbed her cheek on his shirt, “I think we’ll have a gorgeous future together. And...I’d love that more than anything else.”

---------------------

The next morning...

“Morning, Wanda-”

“Shh! Shh!!” The red-haired witch silenced Natasha, and pointed towards the couch.

Curious, Natasha’s eyes followed the direction that Wanda’s finger was pointing at.

There, snuggled in a blanket, fast asleep, sat (Y/N) and Loki, their legs spread on a pouffe, tangled with each other’s. Loki’s arm was wrapped around her shoulder while she was holding his waist. Her head lay on his chest and his on hers.

“Aren’t they cute?” Wanda whispered.

Before Nat could reply, Tony’s voice cut the conversation.

“Who’s cute?”

This time, both the ladies shushed him, leaving a perplexed expression on his once sleepy face.

When they pointed towards the couch, Tony huffed, “These two! God knows what’s taking them so long to realise! They’re just so-” His face lit up. “Know what? I have an idea! I’ll make them confess. Who’s up for it?”

***

Now has a sequel: Their Little Secret

And...a song for keeping the feelings floating...💕

youtube

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thekingofwinterblog · 3 years ago

Text

So, Picturejasper20 asked me to contribute to this, so i'll give my takes for this week.

Day 1. FAVORITE EPISODE

I mean... It's true Colors.

That's like asking what was the best fight in One Piece. There are many good and great ones, but anyone who has watched the series knows there is only one answer.

True Colors was the peak of Amphibia as both a story, but also as a narrative.

I would say that Reunion would be a close second, but Reunion has the problem that though not bad, season 1 simply wasn't overall building to this finale. There was definitely episodes that set it up, but as a finale, it really does come out of nowhere. It's there because it's the final episode, and so it's time for the big gamechanger.

By comparison, True Colors was what the entirety of season 2 was building towards, with every mystery and character interaction between the main trio all being set up to the climax that is true colors.

And thats just the overall narrative.

Because this episode has it all. Great character moments, iconic and memorable scenes, every character involved having completely separate motivations and ambitions, and characters making huge mistakes that are crucial for their developments.

I wish there was a day for favorite moment, as the entire sequence of Sasha's coup is my favorite scene of the series, where what shojld be the pinnacle of all of Sasha's achievements, becoming queen of the land, is all turned to complete and total dust in her mouth when Anne tells her in no uncertain terms that she hates her now.

It's such a powerful scene, that completely and totally uproots Sasha's entire sense of self, and it wouldn't have been anywhere as important if the series hadn't made it very, very clear that for Sasha, her relationship with Anne was EVERYTHING.

You can pinpoint the exact moment where Anne broke Sasha's heart into pieces, and i am very fond of pulling up these two pics whenever i get an excuse to do so.

And that's just one of the great moments of this episode.

The confrontation at the gatehouse, where it's now Sasha who is in the right, as this coup would be infinitely preferable to what Andrias had planned, but rather than logic or arguments, what it all comes down to is That Anne is angry at Sasha from the previous scene in the throneroom, and Sasha's arc of being a bad friend reaching it's logical conclusion as Anne tells her to fuck off.

Then there is the confrontation in the throne room, where pretty much every single line is iconic.

Andrias revelaing himself as the villain, the backstory of Amphibia, Marcy's betrayal laid bare, her subsequent fumbling of trying to justify herself rather than trying to apologize and subsequent rejection, anne deciding to give her friendships another go while admitting to her own faults, Andrias throwing Sprig out the window to make a point to Anne.

Anne's superform, Marcy jumping out the window, andrias halting as he sees she's opened a portal to Earth, Sasha and Grime holding Andrias off, of course...

Marcy getting a sword through her chest, killing her, and setting up her death and ressurrection into Darcy.

And then, having now destroyed the main trio, the season ends on Anne achieving her goal since the series started.

She's finally home. End of part 2.

I have very, VERY mixed feelings about season 3A, and in hindsight, i very much think this third season should have been a full season for each half, but in regards to how it was set up, i have NO complaints.

True colors is as close to a perfect finale i have seen a western show have since since the season finales of Avatar the last airbender.

#amphibia #anne boonchuy #sasha waybright #marcy wu #king andrias #true colors #Picturejasper20 #favorite episode #amphibia week

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demigodreading · 3 years ago

Text

Saving Mini Benson Pt:1

Request: From @youngjusticeimaginesus: Hi, I was wondering If maybe you'd be willing to do a oneshot where Olivia's daughter gets kidnapped by Lewis instead of Olivia?

Summary: That’s right my favorite peoples... This is going to be a two part mini series because there was no way everything that I needed to say could be done in a one-shot! I won’t go into much because I don’t want to give it away but please note THIS PART IS A DOOZY! The next one may be worse but still this arc made me cry in the show and I cried writing this

Characters: Olivia Benson, Fin Tutuola, Amanda Rollins, Nick Amaro, William Lewis, Donald Cragen, Reader

Relationships: Olivia Benson x Daughter! Reader

Warnings: MAJOR Violence, Guns, Cigarette Burns, Episode Spoilers, Alcohol, Smoking Weed, Mentions of Shootings, Death, William Lewis, Mentions of torture... (I Think that covers it but if it doesn’t please let me know)

Word Count: 2320 (Like I said.. there was no way this was gonna be just a oneshot.)

And with that all being said: Let’s jump into it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Olivia and her daughter rarely fought but when they did neither one wanted to admit the other one was right. Olivia loved and hated her daughter for being so similar to her. Even now as she watched the miniature version of herself stalk the interview room the exact same way she would send her heart racing. Usually the similarities would result in a smile but not today. Today Olivia’s vision was a deep red as she confronted her daughter.

“Y/N you were caught smoking weed underneath the bleachers during class! So not only did you break one rule you broke two!” Olivia shouted, folding her arms.

“Wow glad that you know how to count,” Y/N mumbled looking out the window.

“What did you just say to me?”

“Look mom I just don’t get what the big deal is? It was one joint. One class!” Y/N retorted, throwing her hands up, “I am a straight A student who has a full ride scholarship to Harvard.”

“Yes, because Barba stuck his neck out on the line for you and put in a glowing recommendation,” Olivia spat, “What you did was careless. You could have ruined everything that was given to you.”

“You know for once in your life could you ever be fucking proud of me! I do everything that I can do to make you proud and yet at the end of the day I am never fucking good enough for you.”

“That’s not…” Olivia went to argue but was interrupted by Cragen opening the door.

“Olivia we got a problem. I need you right now,” He said, then shut the door without waiting for an answer.

“Just go save another poor unfortunate soul mom. Don’t worry about your daughter. I’ll pick up my own pieces like I always do,” Y/N said, wiping tears from her face as she grabbed her coat.

Y/N stormed from the room before Olivia could stop her. She made her way through the precinct eyes trained to the floor as her mother’s voice rang out, “You better head straight home Y/N! We are not done having this conversation and you are grounded!”

Choosing not to say anything, Y/N merely raised her hand in the air flipping her mother off before the doors shut with a loud slam behind her. Tears made dark spots on the concrete as Y/N made her way back to their apartment. Even the noises of the constant car honks and people screaming couldn’t drown out the voices in her head today. Failure. Waste of space. Stupid. No one. Unwanted. Unloved.

It was the repeated song that kept her feet moving forward until she finally placed her key in the lock. She threw her bag by the kitchen island and threw her keys on the counter. She was about to turn on the living room light when a noise caught her attention.

“Hello? Hello?”

As she turned the corner her vision was filled with the sight of a gun pointed right at her temple. A smirk crossed William Lewis’ face as he looked at Y/N, “Ah welcome home Little Benson. I was hoping that it would be your mother who was walking through the door but I guess you will have to do.”

Y/N went to scream but instead Lewis jammed the gun against her throat, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. One small slip of my finger and your mom will be left with a new kind of art all over her walls.”

Y/N let a single tear roll down her face before Lewis’ gun made contact with her skull and the whole world went black.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Olivia had already tried to call Y/N twice but it kept going straight to voicemail. The last known location had been their apartment so at least she had the sense to head straight home. The guilt in Olivia’s stomach was insurmountable. Watching her daughter explain that she never felt like she lived up to her standards. Olivia had promised herself when she had Y/N she would never end up like her mother. Yet there she was shaming her child for one mistake. Y/N was more than just a good kid, she was excellent. She was smart, beautiful, humorous, kind, and so much more. She was everything Olivia could have ever hoped for. Knowing that her daughter thought she wasn’t proud was the worst pain she could have.

After the third call Olivia finally decided to leave a voicemail, “Y/N I know you are mad but I need you to know something. I am proud of you and will always be proud of you. You are the best daughter and the most amazing human. I was rough on you early. Please let’s talk through this. I’ll be home soon with your favorite Chinese. Just don’t do anything stupid? I love you.”

When she hung up the phone she placed her head in her hands and let out a large sigh. Fin placed a reassuring hand on her back, “Liv, it is going to be okay. She is just being a teenager.”

“No Fin, you should have seen her. It was like I was physically taking her heart out and ripping it in front of her. I should have never said those things. I didn’t mean any of them… I was just upset.”

“She knows, they always know.”

Olivia merely shook her head and began to gather her things to head home. She walked out of the precinct without a goodbye and headed down the street to Y/N’s favorite Chinese place. They knew what she was going to order as soon as she walked in the door asking where Y/N was. Liv pushed off their question and scrolled through her phone as she waited for the food. Y/N’s phone was still off giving Olivia an eerie feeling as she finished the walk to the apartment.

Once inside she noticed Y/N’s bag on the floor and her keys on the counter. There was a sudden rush of cold air that made her notice the window that was open to the fire escape. She shut it quickly and then moved to Y/N’s room. The door was still open with everything the way she had left it that morning. Once her calls were unanswered Olivia opened the window again crawling onto the fire escape. Sometimes Y/N would go to the roof to watch the sun slowly crawl behind the buildings.When she reached the top however she was met with an unsettling emptiness.

Olivia reached for her phone to call the only person who was able to calm her anxiety lately, “Amaro, Y/N isn’t here. I can’t find her. What if something happened to her?”

“She probably just went to a friend’s house to get away,” Amaro replied stirring the contents of his drink, “She will be back in the morning just to relax. Sleep off the anger and come back with a clear head tomorrow.”

Liv pondered this suggestion over and over deciding what she should do. When the silence became too long Amaro interjected again, “Liv, I’m serious. You two had the biggest blow out that I have seen in awhile. Give her time to be mad at you and think. If you smother her she might only push further away from you.” She thanked her partner for the advice and then shoved her phone back in her pocket taking a sweep of the roof once again. Finally she slowly made her way back to the apartment shutting the window with a slam before locking it. Olivia wandered over to the kitchen moving the cereal that covered the top of the fridge to get to her secret cupboard. From the opening she pulled a large bottle of her favorite red wine. She popped the cork and decided to forgo a cup taking a long swig directly from the green glass. A large sigh escaped her lips as she plopped down on the couch going over the events of the day in her head.

As the contents of the bottle slowly drained till there was nothing else Olivia realized her fears were all coming true. She was becoming her mother. A woman she never once wanted to be. Three empty bottles later she finally curled under Y/N’s sheets crying into her pillow until she finally was able to fall asleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning when Y/N did not return and her phone was still shut down all bets were off. Olivia was furious but more importantly she was terrified. Something was horribly wrong. Her morning was spent talking to Y/N’s two best friends and searching their houses for her. When that search was unsuccessful Olivia went to the school hoping Y/N had gone there. However, she had been absent all day and there hadn’t even been a call to excuse her from the day.

When the morning bled into the afternoon Olivia was running around the city to all of Y/N’s usual hangout spots. The search of the library told her that Y/N hadn’t been there in over a week. The local bakery hadn’t seen her in three days. The coffee shop where Y/N always bought Olivia’s coffee when she came to see her at work had seen her two mornings ago but nothing since then. Even the old lady that had Y/N over twice a week to help her with errands and chores around the house hadn’t seen her.

It was dark by the time that Olivia fell into her desk chair at the precinct. With her head in her hands she let the tears fall. A whole day was gone and there was still no sign of her daughter. If she had been kidnapped they were running out of time and losing it quickly. The longer she was out there the longer the person had to get away with whatever they wanted.

The squad huddled around in Cragen’s office looking at Olivia curled over her desk. Rollins was the first one to speak, “I bet you Lewis has something to do with this.”

“And what makes you think that?” Amaro asked, “There are plenty of people who could have a vendetta against Liv.”

“It’s just a feeling.”

“Yeah well have you ever considered the idea that maybe Y/N just ran away,” Amaro retorted.

Fin, Cragen, and Amanda all turned towards Amaro, shocked. Cragen was the first one to speak, “I know you haven’t been here long Amaro but this isn’t Y/N. Something is horribly wrong and we are going to figure out what is going on. Fin and Amanda go check out Lewis’ usual hiding spots. I’ll take Liv through her apartment once again to see if we missed anything.”

“And me cap?”

“Amaro… you stay here and set up a tip line,” Cragen responded curtly and then they all disappeared to find where Y/N had disappeared to.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Y/N woke with a jolt as she felt cold water splash her face. She was met with Lewis staring only a couple inches away from her face. He grinned and grabbed Y/N’s chin as she tried to look away, “Well well there. Looks like someone is finally awake. Feeling thirsty?”

Y/N nodded her head yes waiting to scream as he curled his fingers around the edge of the duct tape. As he was about to pull it away he jammed a gun against Y/N’s throat, “Make any noise and I will shove this gun straight down your throat.”

Finally when he pulled the tape away Y/N spit right in his face, “Just shoot me already if you are going to threaten me with it.”

“And miss out on all of our fun Mini Benson. I think not. There is plenty that I want to do to you before then.”

Y/N began to panic as Lewis lit another cigarette. She remembered the way the others had burned against her chest and sides. She had lost count after twenty perfect circle burns and after the second pistol whip to the face she had passed out a second time, She couldn’t go through all of that again.

“My mom knows I am missing and she will be out looking for me. Just let me go and she will never have to know that you did it. Please,” YN begged.

“What is she going to think about that bruise on your face? Or the marks on your skin? I can’t let you go… plus I know that you both fought before you came home. I bet you that she thinks you just ran away and are leaving her,” Lewis chuckled.

“How.. how did you know that we fought?

“This lovely voicemail your mother left you,” Lewis said, placing your phone against your ear.

Tears began to run down Y/N’s face as she heard the apology her mother had sent her. Damnit! Why did I have to fight with her? We could have avoided all of this. Is the mantra that ran through her head as Lewis slammed the phone against her head and threw it at the wall.

“She isn’t coming for you,” Lewis snickered.

“Please… just let me go. I will do anything.”

Lewis pulled his gun and placed it against Y/N’s scalp, “You are still bargaining with me? Really. We are way past that baby.”

“I am the daughter of an NYPD detective. A decorated well known detective. My mother, her partner, her squad, the entire department will hunt you down. You think that you’ve put people through hell. It will rain back down on you.”

“You know what… let it rain,” Lewis said and then hit Y/N once again making her world go black for a third time.

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jiminrings · 3 years ago

Note

just wanna say: stemkoo + yoongs redemption arc. yoongi finally acknowledging jungkook as a love interest to oc and accepting it and jungkooks kinda confused because what now? is he safe alone with yoongi? are they brothers? and yoongis just "yeah kid you're here now and I see you but I'd still give you a knuckle sandwich anytime if u even breath wrong next to my baby soulmate"

cold senior!y/n x stem major!koo masterlist :D

stem koo has a breakdown over driving alone for the first time, and it just so happens that yoongi's the only one there for him. alternatively, it's koo and yoongs' redemption arc :-)

warnings: mention and descriptions of a panic attack

jungkook will not cry

not right here, in an emergency bay that's just five meters away from a bustling gas station where there's a convenience store and a couple of food chains and cafés he can go to in order to clear his head

not right now, in his brand-new car that his parents excitedly bought for him once they caught the news that he's already obtained his driver's license. he's admittedly already used to a lofty lifestyle, but somehow guilt settled in when he remembers telling his parents at night, and the next morning, his dad's calling him to come out of his dorm to see such a big purchase they didn't think twice in buying

jungkook already drove before. countless of times!!

tried it the first three times in his hometown with his dad on the front seat and his mom at the back, a little amused yet more frantic because this is perhaps the most frustrated state he's put his parents in

he's also took 30 hours in driving lessons during break and the happiest that he's been during the whole time is the part wherein he gets home by foot, relieved that he doesn't have to shared a confined space with his instructor that's far too chatty and intimidating at the same time

most importantly, jungkook drove endlessly and ultimately learned from you, jin, and yoongi!! he remembered mentioning in passing that he doesn't have a driver's license yet and he could distinctly remembering the three of you arguing about who'd teach him first

of course it was you whom he picked first, and it became a driving lesson that racked immense pressure and comfort from him

you taught him how to properly control his gas and brakes and then did jungkook only learn that he's a little too heavy-footed with the pedals, mistakenly thinking that he should press his wHOLE foot instead of just atleast a fourth of it

he learned how to accelerate without making the car jump and brake without making a god-awful screech!! also learned how to pull up the handbrake with ease because his wrist's too tensioned the first time around

seokjin taught him how to turn and park smoothly. how to actually command the wheel without his hands getting wrung and just nailing commando with like tHREE maneuvers max!!! max!!!

also jin taught him (reluctantly) how to reverse while looking back and holding headrest of the front seat bc jungkook read from somewhere that people apparently (read: you) find it attractive

and well... yoongi?

yoongi taught him everything

jungkook was a lil scared when he realized that it was yoongi's turn to teach him, but surprisingly, and uh well nO offense to his parents and instructor and girlfriend and girlfriend's friend,, but yoongi is the best teacher he's ever had

he taught him how to actually drive-drive if that's supposed to explain everything

he taught him how to not grip the steering wheel a little too tight and heavy. to be relaxed enough that he drives his car and not the other way around, but not too relaxed that the car feels too light in his command

yoongi taught him how to overtake and counterflow when necessary and how not to be a push-over and let every car pass even if it's him who has the right of way

jungkook was taught how to not squirm and be shy with honking because it's literally tHERE to be used!! yoongi taught him not to cower when there's a huge 4x4 with the truck horn that's aiming to squeeze in between lanes and just drive like normal

he learned how he shouldn't trust the mirrors at all times because it's not the accurate depiction of how far he is from backing into a tree and instead, open the window to see it for himself

yoongi taught him about the gearbox so eASILY that jungkook almost cried in realization that he finally managed to comprehend it fully without feeling the need to search in between stops

...

yes, jungkook did drive countless of times.

but this is the first time ever that jungkook drove alone and by himself; no company at all to tell him how he's going a little too fast or a little too near to the vehicle in front of him

he's alone. driving. in his own car. and now he's parked by himself near the gas station and the radio's playing a little too loud.

in second thought?

jungkook will cry

you're not there to console him as soon as you see his bottom lip tremble and his eyes freeze because you're someplace else

you're on a road trip with seokjin because it's his niece's first birthday and his whole extended family would be there and he doesn't know if he can actually handle that by himself ://

his family already knows you anyway and they're awarE of how their own relatives could be so now jin's immediate kim family is relying on you to be also their breather <3

the whole reason that jungkook decided to go onto this mini roadtrip by himself in the first place was to surprise you!!

he heard you over movie night once that you wanted to try these famous donuts from this shop that's an hour and a half drive away, and from your descriptions alone, yoongi and jin aND jungkook decided that they also wanted to try

and kook's just being a loving boyfriend and friend (?) that he made the collective decision that while you and jin were out, while yoongi's in the dorm — he's driving by himself for an hour and a half to get the donuts

but no, he hasn't even reached the donut place yet because he's an hour away still

he suddenly felt that his legs froze and he couldn't move at all because he realized that he's holding a wheel in his hands and the consciousness of it all makes his eyes widen, feeling the smooth leather go heavy within a blink

it was his sudden fear that the car's driving him and he doesn't have any control of it even if he has the means to do so, his mind too far in that he swerves to the right-most lane without his blinkers on and without checking his side mirrors

and even more concerningly, jungkook's still thinking about donuts even if he's in a state in which he's feeling a little dizzy and his chest is tight, having trouble breathing with his tummy aching that he feels he want to throw up

he can't think nor breathe straight and it physically pains him, the only thing registering in his hazy mind being his phone, the lockscreen that's set to you being the first thing that greets him

his fingers tremble as they move on their own and he doesn't realize it, only being jolted when his phone silently rings on his palm because even he doesn't know how nor whom he called

he's already removed his glasses to rub his eyes but they just blearily ache when he tries to see the name on his phone, his eyesight being blurred by the tears he's trying to keep at bay

jungkook's phone stops ringing until it finally connects, pressing his phone to his ear as confused as he is because he can't even remember who he called

"hello? why are you calling me, kid?"

it's yoongi.

jungkook breathes a sigh of relief that of all the people he's accidentally called — it's yoongi

he immediately welcomes the gruff voice, a sob racking through his entire body that he didn't even realize he was holding back

"y-yoongi! oh my god, yoongi! i-it's you!"

yoongi was merely napping when he felt his phone ring beside his pillow, an unfamiliar ringtone reaching his ears that he felt compelled to check it

his tone couldn't have been more abrupt but it's greeted nothing but warmly, the voice from the other side of the line making him focus concentratedly

jungkook greets him so eagerly and panickedly that it worries him, the large gulp of air convincing him that it's not just his airconditioner that's turned all the way up

"what happened to you? are you okay?"

jungkook whimpers at the question, stuttering over words that haven't even formed as he looks frantically left and right to see if his spot at the emergency bay is bothering anyone

there isn't anyone approaching him and-

"h-hazard! i-i need the hazard on."

all the red he's seeing reminds him of his hazard lights, remembering your words to keep them on if you're a potential hazard on the road

yoongi's remaining sleepiness dissipates as his eyebrows knot, overwhelmingly alert as he stands up from bed and find a shirt to put on before he even knows what's going on

"hazard?" he parrots, trying to see if he's slept through some urgent texts from any of you that could make him put the pieces together. "i need you to calm down for me, jungkook."

jungkook's busy eyes snap in one place at the mention of his name, blinking owlishly at the recognition of what yoongi's saying

"i-i forgot how to drive. the wheel — the wheel b-became too heavy on my hands," he stammers, looking at the circle that's in front of him that feels and now looks foreign to him. "i-i drove alone because-"

yoongi's heart pangs at the observation that jungkook's voice is breaking and desperate, turning off his fan before he scurries outside his bedroom and double-checks to turn off everything

"yeah, jungkook? come one, you can do it. you drove alone because?"

he once again affirms jungkook by reminding him of his own name to try and ground him, slipping on his shoes with a vague outline of a plan in his mind

"donuts. i-i heard — y-you all wanted these donuts and the uhm, t-the three of you had a bad day last week, right? i-i think. i'm not over there and you're the only who's home and i-i figured that-" his voice gives out at the end, unable to keep his tears from falling at this point. "help, hyung."

yoongi blinks once, twice, before he finds his voice

"i'm still proud of you, jungkook. good job," he rummages through the bowl of money the three of you drop your change into, dumping the entirety of it as he hopes it's enough to tip the cab driver he's gonna tell to drive as fast as he could. "now can you tell me what you see? can you tell me where you are? where you're parked? hyung will help you."

...

......

it takes yoongi a total of fifteen minutes to reach jungkook at the emergency bay by the side of the road.

his car's pristine and intact and it calms him to no end, immediately calling jungkook to tell him he's there so he wouldn't have to startle him with a knock

yoongi enters the driver's seat and his eyes immediately whip to jungkook who's already transferred to the passenger seat, his face teary and blotchy as he shakily grins at him through it all

"hyu — yoongi! h-hi!! oh my god, you're here."

he nods and softly smiles, adjusting the seat to accommodate his preferences that it makes kook put his seatbelt out of reflex

he's beyond happy to have another person in the car with him, enough to make him feel surrounded and reassured that he can't hear his breathing echoing in his vehicle

he's already mostly regained his breath but it picks up when yoongi doesn't drive straightly like what he thought he would — instead, yoongi drives five meters ahead and turns to the gas station, wordlessly finding a parking spot

"... b-but the donuts. y-you guys wanted the donuts, right?"

he purses his lips at the inquiry, shaking his head somberly

he can't even begin to gRASP why after all this, he's still focused on the donuts that he meant to get for the three of you — still beyond desperate to secure what was meant to cheer everyone up despite having gone through a new driver's version of hell

"how about we grab a bite first and then we could get the donuts after? my treat."

jungkook was about to politely say no and apologize for imposing, the words being caught on his mouth when yoongi reverses into a parking spot swiftly and gets out of the car before he can put a word in, already having him opening the door on his side

he looks up at him as if he's seen a ghost, a slow tick of a minute on his mind reminding him that yoongi's here for him

yoongi looks down to see the younger guy that still looks very much like what he's been through just minutes ago, making him spring into action

he wordlessly combs his hand through his hair like he does with you when you have a fever and cannot be bothered to keep up with appearances, pushing it back neatly

he grabs jungkook's glasses that are muddled with dried tears and fingerprints from the console, cleaning it with the end of his shirt before handing it back to him

"bite first, then we'll get donuts. i promise."

oh my god

is he having an out of body experience

jungkook can walk but he doesn't feel like it because now his steps are toO light, feeling as if he's gliding through air with ease

he follows yoongi's shadow and stares at the back of his head, the newly-dyed pink of it gleaming underneath the morning sun that he tries to focus on it instead of his raging thoughts

yoongi walks into a serene café that's only the calming kind of busy; people here and there in their own conversations, blenders humming and silverware clinking

it's not until yoongi tells jungkook to pick a spot as he lines up to order that it trulY hits him what's happening, picking the comfiest spot his eyes laid on

there's no build-up to the moment because unlike their previous interactions where it's only the two of them, there's no score in the background.

there's no tension nor ill intent and the only thing that's there between them is a comfortable silence, one that jungkook's insistent to break this one time

"i-i'm sorry i called you. you were probably busy. i didn't know what i was doing and-"

"no," he cuts him off, sheepishly putting a hand on his nape. "i called you, jungkook."

"huh?" he couldn't hold back the audible surprise that left him, making him backtrack instead of continuing his sentence

yoongi thinks that the truth wouldn't hurt, leaning to his chair as he relaxed to put the guy across him at ease somehow

"you did call me, but you dropped it in less than two seconds," he admits, drumming his fingers on the armrest. "i called you back."

jungkook visibly awes at that, head tilting as the confusion he has in his head doubles over and starts crawling on four limbs

"w-why did you that?"

was that it?

was that why he felt so confused when he could barely see a caller ID? it was ringing out for him to answer and not the other way around

yoongi's the one perplexed this time but he doesn't blame him, answering sincerely

"because i look out for you too."

there's a pregnant pause between them and yoongi could clearly see the way jungkook's shoulders slump, making him lean forward out of instinct because he thought he was gonna break down again

"i'm sorry," he looks up at him with glassy eyes, wide but not threatening to cry out of despair. "i'm sorry, yoongi."

he knows by that tone that jungkook's not talking about the call anymore, making him raise his hand to wave it off lightly

"we don't have to do this right now, kook. the both of us probably haven't even had breakfast yet."

the much-awaited talk between them has been set far enough for the perfect timing but the bulk of everything just points to now, only getting more strengthened when jungkook breaks the silence again. "but i mean it."

"i was so stupid back then and i didn't know how much i hurt you through y/n," he reflects back to how distraught and angry yoongi looked at him, not to mention the fact that seokjin told him how yoongi didn't sleep at all for a week because of how he was kept up just thinking and trying to protect you. "i-i know it must've hurt to see your soulmate hurt because of me and that she forgave me still. a-and made me her boyfriend, even."

his mouth dries because the younger boy recites his previous heartaches almost word per word, taking his time to digest each one

"i did hurt, jungkook."

there's no denying that. no cover-up of jin as he tries to boost everyone up can ever hide that. no lies to how tae, who barely even knows yoongi, felt his chest tighten when he came over one morning to deliver the cookies and see yoongi sitting outside your door with his ear pressed to it — trying to hear if you were crying while holds his own.

there's no denying either the truth that reflects why exactly yoongi made a cab driver break almost every traffic law to man just to get to jungkook faster.

"but y/n's not hurting anymore — i'm not hurting anymore," he enunciates. "i'm not mad at you anymore, jungkook."

the guy in question looks alarmed, sheepish even at the words he's been wanting to hear but couldn't believe now that they're being uttered

"you should be."

yoongi snorts because jungkook reminds him of you so so much, an uncanny resemblance between the guilt you've always tried to live with before trying to acquit

"i'll hold it over your head if it makes you sleep at night or remind you when you decide to act up again," he chuckles but he's met with jungkook's frantic no's, waving him off when he realizes that his egging's truly working. "but i don't have it in me to be mad at you for any longer."

it's the truth. it's the truth that yoongi always tried to refute because for the past weeks, all he's done is try to find the most miniscule flaw to try and make him hate jungkook

he's only thought once in his lifetime that he'd ever forgive jungkook, but now did it become crystal clear

"you've proved yourself enough, even jin said so," he admits humbly. "but i know you're not doing all of this to prove yourself to us or to me, kook."

he looks up at from his hands to train his gaze on his girlfriend's soulmate, listening attentively

"i know you do it from the heart."

he feels like crying but only this time is it for an entirely different and positive reason, a leap on his chest heightening tenfold

"as much as you rely on y/n — you can also rely on me too, jungkook."

the two of them hold eye contact and neither of them shy away from it, a silent fact in the air as they know that it's not only you who's linking them at this point, but rather because they're somewhat brothers at this point

"i forgive you."

"y-you forgive me?"

he feels his ears ringing in happiness as he tries to dodge the waiter who's blocking his view of yoongi with the way he's putting down the meals, frantically looking for confirmation

yoongi finds it cute, laughing as he throws his head back

"you're the one who does the quizbees. why are you making me spell it out?"

then he knows.

"you forgive me," he parrots, repeating it once more to himself

the two of them eat throughout thoughtful conversation, stemming from the inquiry of how yoongi made a thirty-minute drive into only half of it, until it bloomed to how kook claims to be forgetful but remembers a whisper about bread from a week ago

"tell me if you want to try and drive to the donut place," yoongi turns to him as he settles the bill, watching jungkook finish the last of his food as he throws him a sheepish smile — much like how you do

"i'll be watching over you, koo. don't worry."

how r we feeling bffs </3 i'll have to speak into the mic and say that this is perhaps the drabble i hurted the most while writing :O

as always, lmk what you think!! i love answering asks :D what do you want to see from the lunchbox lovers next? send them here <3

#stem koo #stem koo misc.#jungkook imagine #jungkook oneshot #jungkook oneshots #jungkook angst #jungkook x reader #jungkook x y/n #jungkook x you #jungkook au #jungkook scenario #jungkook fanfic #yoongi oneshot #jeon jungkook oneshot #bts jungkook imagine #yoongi angst

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moon-light-jukebox · 4 years ago

Text

Don’t Go - [Reid x Reader]

masterlist

Summary: After being tortured by Tobias Hankel, Dr. Spencer Reid is struggling and everyone can see it. Reader can’t bear his pain and tries to comfort him...only to be heartbroken when he says their night meant nothing.

Pairing: Spencer Reid / Fem!Reader

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 10.6k

Genre: Angst. Angst. Angst. But fluff at the end cause I’m not a monster.

Content Warning: Talk of drug use, language, penetrative sex, oral sex (female receiving), and just angst. All the angst. Get tissue.

A/n: This is set over the arc of episodes 2x16 - 2x18. A special thank you to @imjusthereformggcontent and @catsadams for reading through the beginning of this in its first form. You’re both angels. I hope this is everything y’all wanted it to be, my doves. Thank you for sticking with me.

Request prompt: Can you write a fic where Spencer is high on dilaudid and tells you that your night together was nothing and that you're nothing to him. Then the next day he can't rember telling you and and he can't figure out why you are avoiding him.

-- Don’t Go --

The first indication I got that today wasn’t going to be normal came when Special Agent Grant Anderson shuffled into my office just after 9:30 am. He didn’t knock before he entered and then shut the door quickly behind him.

I glanced up from the paperwork in front of me, my eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. “Something on your mind, Special Agent?” I teased.

Ever since Anderson made a mistake that led to SSA Elle Greenaway being shot a few months ago, a lot of people on this floor had been giving him the cold shoulder, despite the fact that Greenaway had forgiven him before she left the BAU.

When I first joined the bureau and was assigned to this unit, Anderson had been my first friend. He was there for me when I felt nervous and like I was a complete imposter. He’s the reason I was still a member of this team; I’d never turn my back on him.

“Something’s up with Reid.”

I propped both of my elbows on the desk, my chin resting on my folded hands. “Well, he was just abducted and tortured. That’s gonna have an effect on someone.”

Anderson was already shaking his head before I got done speaking. “This is different. I just tried to talk to him while he was getting some coffee. I asked him about David Tennant taking over as The Doctor and he…he snapped at me, y/l/n.”

Okay, that’s odd. “Maybe he just didn’t feel like talking,” I defended. “He was tortured, Grant.”

“I’ve known him since I started here. He’s…something is wrong.”

I leaned back, crossing my arms over my chest. “It can’t be anything too bad. I mean, he’s surrounded by profilers. His mentor is Jason Gideon for god’s sake. If something was wrong, they’d know.”

Anderson walked forward and braced his palms on my desk, his eyes boring into mine.

“Dr. Spencer Reid is also one of the best profilers in the world. I’m telling you, y/n, something is wrong.”

I conceded with a sigh. “What do we do?”

“I think you should talk to him.”

My spine stiffened. “Me? Why?” But I knew why.

Anderson scoffed. “You know how he looks at you. And I know how you look at him.”

Dr. Spencer Reid’s nervousness around me could have been blamed on many things, Anderson insisted it meant he liked me. I wasn’t convinced…because I saw how he looked at JJ.

How I looked at Reid was obvious. He was the most brilliant man I had ever met, he was kind, sweet, and his eyes sparkled when he talked about something he loved. My heart fluttered when he realized he was rambling and he blushed, and my day was made whenever he would seek me out to talk to me.

I had a crush on Spencer Reid.

“Alright,” I said. “I’ll talk to him.”

He shot me a relieved smile and backed away from the desk. “Sooner than later, please.”

Such a sassy bitch, I thought as he shut the door.

It was well after 6 pm when I gathered my things to leave the office that day. I had been hired as one of the many, many agents that worked under JJ. Media liaison wasn't her only role; she also fielded hundreds of requests for FBI assistance every week. It was my job to go through those requests, make initial judgments, and then send out responses.

I had always been happier working behind the scenes, so a job filled with paperwork suited me just fine. All I wanted to do was help catch bad guys, and with the BAU I felt like I was making a difference.

Speaking to Reid had been on my mind all day, but I had expected that I'd have the night to think up a plan of attack then talk to him first thing in the morning, but when I walked past the bullpen I saw him at his desk.

The entire floor appeared to be empty apart from him. His shoulders were hunched, his head resting in his hands.

I was opening the doors before I realized what was happening. I had crossed the distance until I was standing in front of him before I even knew what I was going to say.

“Reid,” I said softly. I almost touched him, but I didn’t think he’d like that. He didn’t seem to like to be touched.

His head snapped up; the circles under his eyes were darker than normal, his hair was messier than usual, and his clothing was in disarray. He cleared his throat, his tongue running over his dry lips.

He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to.

"I can't imagine what you're going through," I began, standing at the end of his desk. "I don't even know how to begin to think about it. So, I won't ask you to talk about it. I won't ask you to talk at all. I just…I just want you to know that I'm here if you just want a friend. If you want to grab some coffee and talk about nothing…whatever."

Those warm brown eyes were duller than I’d ever seen them, but they ran over my entire body quizzically, like he wasn’t sure I was even there.

After a beat, I decided it was best to leave him to it. I couldn't force him to accept my offer…not that I would force him even if I could. "Goodnight, Reid."

I turned and made my way back to the double glass doors of the bullpen. I hadn’t heard him move, so I was completely thrown off guard when his hand wrapped around my wrist. My eyes looked up to meet his, confusion plain on my face.

His eyes weren't dull anymore, they were shimmering but not in any way I ever wanted to see. He swiped at his cheek angrily when the first tear fell. "Don't go," he rasped.

I won’t.

We didn’t speak as we took the elevator down to the lobby. It was only when we reached the front doors of the building that I spoke. “Where do you want to go?”

He scratched at his forearm, his eyes moving over the room behind us like he was expecting someone to run out from any direction. I wasn't a profiler, but I recognized hypervigilance when I saw it.

“I don’t know. Not here.”

I nodded. “Alright. Do you want to go…get food? Coffee?” He shook his head, his hands now picking at the threads of the cardigan he wore. “We could go for a walk?”

“I…” He cleared his throat, his eyes rising to meet mine. “I don’t want to be around a lot of people right now.”

“Okay, we can-“

“But,” he interrupted. “I…I’m afraid to be alone, y/n. I’m…I’m so fucking afraid.”

I reached for him only to still my hand at the last second, millimeters away from touching him. “I won’t leave you alone, Reid.” My teeth dug into my lower lip as I thought. “We could go to your apartment. Or mine.” I quickly added when I saw how his eyes widened at the mention of his place.

“I…I don’t want to go home.” He licked his lips again, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

“Then you don’t have to go home right now. We’ll go to my place. We can order dinner, watch a movie, or we can do nothing. It’s up to you.”

The look of relief on his face, combined with the smile he sent me warmed up a part of my heart I didn’t even know was cold.

The ride to my apartment was mostly silent; I had turned the radio on for background noise. Spencer’s eyes kept staring out of my passenger side window while his hands twisted in his lap.

He followed behind me quietly when we entered my building, then took the elevator up to my apartment. Spencer’s eyes glided over my apartment, taking in the photos of my friends and family on the walls, the throw pillows on my couch, and the titles on my bookshelf.

I went into the kitchen to get us both a bottle of water only to find him standing in the same spot when I returned.

“Are you hungry?”

He shook his head.

“Okay, do you want to sit down?”

He nodded, following me over to my couch. I curled my feet up under myself, my hands folded in my lap. “Spencer…I know I said you don’t have to talk, and you don’t. But…I want to help. I just…I want to do anything I can to help you.” I let out a breath, embarrassed that my voice was already thick with tears. “If that means sitting here beside you and just staring at the wall that’s fine. I…I just want to help.”

Reid’s head swiveled over to face me, those beautiful brown eyes were frightened. “Tobias…he…he hurt me. And I can still feel it,” he whispered, his voice raw even in that hushed volume. “It’s all I feel. I just…I don’t want to hurt anymore, y/n. I can’t stand it.”

I couldn’t stop myself from rising up on my knees and moving towards him. “Can I hug you? Is that okay?”

The words weren’t out of my mouth before he wrapped his arms around my middle, laying his head against my chest. When the first sob wracked through his body, I felt something inside of me crack. The second sob triggered my own.

I didn't know what had happened to him, and if I did know, I don't think I would ever truly understand. But the agony he was in affected me more than any pain I had ever felt myself.

My fingers ran through his hair, tugging at the soft tangles. His hair is curly, I thought absentmindedly. He always wore it slicked down…but it was curly.

Spencer finally quieted after a few moments, his sobs turning into sniffles. “Thank you.”

I gave a broken chuckle. “Don’t thank me for caring about you, Spencer.”

He pulled his head back to look at me, his eyes moving over my cheeks. “You cried for me.”

I nodded.

“Why?”

The question was so unexpected that I wasn’t prepared to do anything but tell the truth. “It hurts me to see you hurt.”

Spencer looked at me for a moment longer, absorbing my words before his palm came up and cupped my jaw, his thumb wiping my left-over tears away. He gentled pulled my head down until my lips pressed against his. Our first kiss was tender, his lips were slightly chapped but still unbelievably soft. Something about this kiss broke my heart more than his tears did.

My hands had come up to cup his face, my actions a mirror of his own. “I…I don’t want to take advantage of you, Spencer,” I mumbled out when we had pulled apart.

He chuckled softly. “You’re worried about that?” His mood became somber when I nodded. “Y/n…you know how I look at you. Everyone does. I don’t…I don’t want this if you don’t. I don’t want you to do this out of pity-“

“Spencer,” I gasped. “I would never…I’d never touch you out of pity. I-I want to touch you. I have for a long time.”

you. I have for a long time.”

Tears started to shine in his eyes again at my words. “Then please touch me, y/n. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I just…I just want to feel how I feel when you hold me. It-It doesn’t hurt when you touch me.”

Our lips came together the second time in understanding and hope. My mouth brushed against his with a promise that I was touching him because I wanted to. He sucked my bottom lip into his mouth, his teeth nibbling on it while his hands wove into my hair.

I moved to straddle his lap, my knees on either side of him, while my hands started working on the buttons of his shirt.

Spencer’s tongue ghosted against my lips; the groan he gave when I immediately let him inside made my core throb.

He froze when I started to push his shirt off his shoulders. “What is it?”

“It’s…I don’t want you to see…what he did to me. Please?”

I moved off of him quickly, extending my hand to pull him from the couch. I led him down the hall to my bedroom, not turning on the overhead light when we entered; the only source of light was a sliver of moonlight through the curtains.

“You don’t have to show me anything you don’t want to,” I whispered. “Do you…”

His lips crushed against mine, his hands grabbing my hips to pull me against his body. Those long fingers started working my shirt up my body, breaking away momentarily to pull it over my head.

Once my pants were down my thighs, he pushed me back onto the bed. He had removed his cardigan but left his button-up shirt on. I reached behind myself to unhook my bra, feeling a sudden nervousness rise up in my chest.

His fingers were warm when they brushed over my collarbones, drifting down over my breasts. “You’re beautiful,” he murmured.

I pulled him on top of me when I leaned back on the bed, our lips meeting in a heated frenzy. He palmed my breast, his thumb brushing over my nipple, causing me to arch up against him.

Spencer’s lips moved down until he was mouthing my neck, his teeth nipping at the skin, all the while his hand ghosted down my body until his fingers hooked on the top of my panties.

His head lifted, his eyes searching mine. “Can I touch you?”

I nodded, my hand moving atop his, guiding him inside my panties; I couldn’t control my gasp when his fingers parted my folds to brush against me.

My hands went to his belt. “I-is this okay?”

He nodded, his mouth coming down to cover the tip of my breast, his tongue teasing my nipple to a point. Those long fingers gathered wetness from my opening to bring it up to circle my clit. Ever the scientist, Spencer paid attention to every reaction I had, he wanted to learn how to touch me.

When his middle and ring finger entered me, his palm grinding against my clit, I finally got his pants open. My hand snacked inside to palm his cock, pulling a grown from him.

“Can I push these down a bit?”

“Please,” he breathed, his lips coming over mine.

His pants were down to his mid-thighs before I wrapped my hand around him. He was bigger than I expected, not overly thick, but longer than anyone I had been with before.

“Y/n,” he whimpered against my lips, his fingers speeding up inside of me.

I gave a few pumps, my movements uncoordinated. “I want to feel you inside me, Spence. Please?”

Reid groaned, removing his fingers from my heat. “Do you have a condom?”

I turned to my bedside table, fumbling in the darkness. When I turned back to face him, I saw two of his fingers in his mouth. The same two fingers that had just been inside of me.

“Jesus,” I breathed out, finding the sight of him sucking my arousal off his fingers incredibly erotic.

He took the condom from me, his lips quirking up in a smile. "I've…I've never done that before." His eyes moved down to my still covered pussy. "I want to…but I-I don't want this time to be worse for you than it has to be," he said with a self-deprecating chuckle.

"Hey," I muttered, my hands cupping that well-defined jaw. "This isn't going to be bad for me, Spencer. Just being with you is wonderful."

My words felt heavy in the air. Because they were true.

Spencer swallowed thickly, rolling the condom down over his length. I tugged my panties off, leaving me totally bare to him, while he still had most of his clothing on.

Even with that weird detail, this was still wonderful; being with Spencer like this was…everything.

I gripped him, lining him up at my entrance. His forehead dropped against mine when he started to push inside of me.

“Spence,” I breathed, my hands clutching at his hips.

“Are you okay?” he panted.

“Better than okay. You feel so good.”

He huffed out a laugh. “I don’t think anything could feel better than…fuck.” His slim hips pressed against mine when he was fully sheathed inside of me.

I felt my pussy flutter at his words. I’d never heard Spencer curse like that before.

We started a steady pace; his thrusts were even, and my hips rose to meet them. His arms were braced on either side of my head, his lips brushing against mine while he fucked me.

Calling it fucking seemed wrong. It was so much more.

“Y/n,” he groaned. “I’m close.”

My hand squeezed down between our bodies to rub my clit. “Hold on. I’m almost there.” I whined out.

His moan seemed to tingle across my skin when he dropped his head against my shoulder. “I want to feel you cum, baby.”

I whimpered at his words. “Spencer, harder. I need it harder.”

His hips snapped against mine as he slammed into me, I felt his teeth on the tender skin where my neck and shoulder met for a second before he bit down.

The mix of pain with pleasure sent me over the edge. My pussy clamped down on him as I found my own orgasm, pulling him over the edge with me.

My fingers ran over his back, scratching at the material of his shirt. I breathed his name out over and over while I floated back down from my high.

I felt his tongue soothe over the bite mark he had just given me as he gave a few more jerks inside of me before pulling out. He placed the sweetest kiss against my lips and when he pulled back, his eyes were shining, but not with tears this time.

After we cleaned up, we ordered take out and watched some sci-fi movie that was on cable. I couldn’t tell you a thing about it; I was too busy watching Spencer’s face when he told me all about it. I was enraptured by his voice, the way his hands moved.

He was so beautiful.

Before I was ready, I realized that it was already approaching midnight. “It’s late,” I said.

He nodded. “I should go.”

It was childish, but I couldn’t stop my lip from jutting out in a pout, causing him to laugh.

“What is it, beautiful?” he questioned, his voice teasing.

I shoved his shoulder. “Don’t ‘beautiful’ me, Spencer Reid,” I scolded, delighted when he laughed. “I just…I’m not ready for you to go.”

Something in Spencer’s eyes changed. He seemed almost relieved at my words. “I’m not ready to go either.”

I leaned over, placing a soft kiss in the center of his lips. “Then don’t go.”

Spending the night with Spence was worth how early I had to wake up the following morning to drive him by his apartment before work. I had offered to wait and give him a ride to work, but he had gotten a text from Garcia. They had gotten called to Houston for a case; Morgan was going to swing by and get him.

“I’ll call you when I can,” he promised, cupping my face when he kissed me goodbye.

The circles under his eyes this morning weren’t as dark as they had been before.

I could barely contain my excitement when we got the notification that the team was headed back. Part of me felt silly for being so excited. I mean, it was just one night; but it hadn’t felt like just one night.

Spencer hadn’t called me during the few days he’d been in Texas, but I hadn’t really expected him to. If anyone understood his job, it was someone who worked with his team. The BAU was such an elite unit within the FBI for a reason; they would stop at nothing to solve a case.

When the glass doors of the bullpen opened and I saw Hotch stride in, heading for his office, I couldn’t contain my smile.

“I saw that,” Anderson muttered.

I reached out and smack his arm. “You wanted me to talk to Reid.”

He nodded, biting the inside of his cheek. “And judging by that mark on your neck you did more than talk.”

I scowled at him. “See if I’m on your side the next time you fuck up,” I teased, knowing he wouldn’t take my words to heart.

He just offered me a wide smile. That’s how Anderson had lasted so long here, he never really held onto anything.

“Your man doesn’t look so good,” he said suddenly.

I turned, my eyes seeking out Spencer. He was right, the dark circles were back under his eyes, his clothes were wrinkled, his hair sticking up in every direction.

He never turned his head in my direction.

I had wanted to give Spencer some space when he first arrived back. What if something about this case had affected him? I thought that maybe that was the reason he had been avoiding me.

My department always had more paperwork than usual when the team came back from a case, so I wasn’t able to leave until after 7. While I gathered up my things I debated about calling Reid, thinking he was already gone. When I went to take Hotch some files about 20 minutes earlier Spencer was rushing out of the bullpen with his bag clutched in his hands.

Even though I wasn’t expecting to see him, I couldn’t stop myself from looking in the glass doors when I passed by out of habit.

He was sitting at his desk. His head was tilted back, and it looked like his eyes were closed. Even in a position that most people would appear relaxed in, he still seemed incredibly tense.

I can just pop in and tell him hi, I reasoned. Let him know I’m not expecting anything, but I’m here for him.

I had given a lot of thought to my relationship with Spencer over the days he was gone. He was still healing from what happened with Tobias, it wasn’t fair of me to put unreasonable expectations on him right now. I was his friend before anything else. I could put my personal feelings aside if I needed to.

Squaring my shoulders, I pushed the doors open and headed towards his desk. The only person still at their desk was the newest member of the team, SSA Prentiss.

“Hey, y/n,” she greeted.

I had intended to return her greeting, but Spencer’s eyes snapped open and zeroed in on me. The look in his eyes made my blood freeze in my veins. He looked at me like he’d never seen me before, like my presence in this space was annoying to him.

Reid stood abruptly, pulling the strap of his messenger back up on his shoulder before he brushed past me. I had barely processed his actions before he was already leaving the bullpen.

“Spence!” I called. “Hang on!”

He just kept walking. I all but sprinted in my attempt to catch up to him. “Spencer, what the fuck,” I whispered. I knew he had seen me. Once I was closer to him, I reached out and gripped his elbow in an attempt to get his attention.

His entire body jerked as he spun around to face me. “Don’t fucking touch me,” he hissed, venom dripping from his words.

My body recoiled from him like he’d slapped me. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I thought…I just…”

Just then a pair of agents walked past us and they did not bother hiding the curiosity in their eyes.

Spencer’s hand shot out and gripped my forearm, pulling me along behind him. The hold he had on my arm was almost painful, but I couldn’t focus on anything. My brain was still playing his words over and over again.

“Don’t fucking touch me.”

He didn’t stop until we reached the copy room; he jerked the door open and shoved me inside.

“Spencer!” I yanked my arm out of his grip, rubbing the skin with my other hand. “What the fuck is going on?!”

“You thought what?” he snarled taking a step closer to me. “You thought that because I fucked you that means you’re my girlfriend now or something?”

My eyes widened at his words. Something cold and heavy settled in the pit of my stomach while some unnamable feeling made me throat constrict. “N-no, I didn’t think that. I just-“

I had heard Spencer’s laugh so many times before, it used to make me smile every time I heard it. People who hadn’t heard him laugh before might have thought the sound that he made when he heard my words was a laugh. But it wasn’t. It was harsh and brittle. His face was pulled into a smile that was condescending.

“Are you sure, y/l/n? Because you’ve sure been fucking acting like it all day. I feel your pathetic little looks everywhere I turn. Like I kicked your dog or something.”

I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes because…this wasn’t Spencer. This wasn’t my Spencer. My Spencer couldn’t use chopsticks and held my face when he kissed me.

“Oh, my fucking god,” he groaned in disgust. “Are you going to cry, y/n? Are you kidding me right now?”

People always say terrible things happen so fast, it’s what I read in witness statements all the time. This was a terrible thing, but time seemed to slow down for it. I saw everything in perfect detail, I heard every single syllable that came out of this mouth.

When the first tear slid down my cheek that dark, brittle laugh left his mouth again. “If you weren’t being so pathetic, I might feel bad for you.”

“Why are you doing this?” I whispered, wiping at my cheeks.

“Why am I doing what, y/n?” His voice was so much louder than it was before. It didn’t make sense that he brought me to a more private place to avoid attention but now he was…yelling at me. “We fucked, do you get that? That is all! I don’t know what sad little schoolgirl fantasy you built up in your mind, but that night wasn’t special to me.”

Oh. I swallowed down my emotion, my eyes moving away from him to stare down at the floor. I wished I was the sort of person that could lash out whenever I was hurt, to hurt that person back as badly as they hurt me; but it’s just not who I was.

Like a shark that smelled blood in the water, Spencer moved closer to me. His fingers brushed over the strands of hair that hung near my shoulder. “I hate to be the one to break it to you, y/n. You’re not special. You were just a desperate girl that wanted attention. You were a pussy to use.”

I jerked back violently at his words, putting as much distance as I could between us. My entire body felt so cold, my face frozen in a mask of confusion.

Reid scoffed once more before he turned and left the room.

He never looked back at me.

I’m not sure how long I stayed in the copy room after he’d left. It may have been seconds; it could have been hours. I think I was in some sort of shock; my body just autopiloted to a place I felt safe.

I don’t remember unlocking my office door. I don’t remember collapsing in my chair and burying my head in my hands while sobs tore out of my chest.

All I remember is hearing my name a moment before I felt someone standing beside me.

“Hey,” a familiar voice called softly. “What’s wrong, y/n?”

I lifted my head and looked into the worried face of one of my best friends.

Anderson didn’t say anything further, he just pulled me up from my chair and wrapped his arms around me while I cried.

Pain is a universal experience, but everyone feels it differently. Everyone heals differently.

My grandmother used to say, “Everything will be different in the morning.” I was never sure if that was true or not, but today I chose to believe it was. The pain and humiliation that burned in my gut when I remembered Spencer’s words yesterday wouldn’t last forever.

I had made a mistake. I had let someone use my body only to find out that person wasn’t who I thought they were. I wasn’t the first person to make that mistake, and I’m sure I wouldn’t be the last.

Anderson had stayed with me in my office last night while I pulled myself together enough to go home. He didn’t ask what had happened, but he wasn’t stupid, I’m sure he suspected what had broken my heart.

In a perfect world, I would have fallen for someone like Grant Anderson. He was kind, funny, and a constant source of comfort when I felt my world breaking apart.

I had always tried to think of each painful moment as a lesson in some way, and lessons can teach you both good and bad things. Even my worst moments of pain, I couldn’t regret the choices that lead me to them. Every single experience shapes us into who we grow to be.

One day, when this pain in my heart wasn't so sharp, I think I might be able to look back on my night with Spencer Reid without feeling regret. He had been my friend, he was hurting. How I tried to help his suffering was a mark of who I was.

How he caused me pain was a mark of who he was.

Grant had sent me a text around 6 am, asking me if I was going to take some personal time. The BAU wasn't assigned to an active case today, but I had sent some files over to JJ that looked promising. My money was they'd be headed out to New Orleans tomorrow to catch a serial killer once she had reviewed those files.

A very large part of myself wanted to stay home; I wanted to hide from my pain and tend to my wounded heart in private. But no matter how big that part of me was, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t let this pain consume me.

I wouldn’t let it.

With that thought in mind, I squared my shoulders and walked into the headquarters of the FBI.

The hardest moments after a tragedy are the moments after; after the first wave of pain has passed and you’re expected to go back to your normal life. The world never slowed down just because you were in agony.

JJ came by and told me she thought New Orleans looked promising and asked if I could contact the lead detective for any updates then forward those to her.

She wasn’t a profiler but even she knew something was wrong. Right before she walked out of my office she said, “Hey, are you okay?”

It's always so much worse when they ask you if you're okay because they never want an honest answer. So, on top of all the agony, you feel you have to pull off a convincing lie.

“Just tired, JJ.”

I don’t think she quite believed me, but she was kind enough not to push me any further.

A few hours later JJ was on the phone the detective heading up the investigation into the murders happening in the French Quarter. It looked like the team was heading out to New Orleans sometime tomorrow morning.

My job mostly had me working with JJ, but SSA Hotchner was the unit chief. It wasn’t uncommon that I had to get his signature of approval on something JJ needed. So, when it was time to stop by Hotch’s office, I made my way there with no outward reluctance.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Spencer standing around the cluster of desks that housed his teammates. They all called out in greeting after I dropped the files off, but I had only waved over my shoulder and rushed out of the room.

Anderson had been popping in and out of my office all morning. First, he had made excuses for coming by, but much to my amusement he had dropped the façade after he came to ask me if he could borrow a pen…while he was holding a pen.

The biggest dilemma of my day was over coffee. Of course, I hadn’t gotten any sleep last night and I was dragging. Caffeine was obviously the answer.

But if you knew Spencer Reid, you know he was always at the coffee machine in the BAU bullpen.

I could just go downstairs to counterterrorism, I thought idly. But if I’m already in the elevator I could just run down the block and get coffee. JJ wouldn’t mind.

I was still debating my options when I heard a tentative knock on my door.

I am not proud of my actions, I’m truly not. But there is only one person in this whole building who would knock on a door that hesitantly.

The blinds in my office were closed…but I had left the door unlocked.

On instinct, I slid out of my chair, knees hitting the floor, and hid under my desk.

What the fuck are you doing, y/n? I mentally scolded myself. This is a new low, even for you.

It turned out to be pointless anyway.

He didn’t open the door.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Anderson began. “But…”

“I have to tell you?” I supplied after a beat.

He flopped down in the chair on the other side of my desk. “Exactly.”

The small smile that curled up on my face was the first real smile I’d had in almost 24 hours.

How had it only been 24 hours?

“Listen,” he said, bringing my attention back to him. “I know it’s about Reid. I’m not a profiler, but it’s all that makes sense.”

“How’s that?”

One of his dark brown eyebrows raised at the question. “I mean, even if we ignored everything else, the fact that he keeps walking past your office door is a dead giveaway.”

I rubbed my temples with my fingers. “Grant, I can’t right now.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Can’t,” I whispered out. “I don’t…I need to hold it together. Just for a while longer.”

Grant reclined his back against the chair, his eyes surveying me. “Fine. But I don’t like seeing you like this.”

I don’t like feeling like this.

“Alright,” he sighed, rising to his feet. “I have to go run some sort of errand for Garcia.”

I didn’t bother asking, he’d say it was “classified.”

All the air seemed to leave the room when he opened the door.

Spencer was standing on the other side, his hand up like he had been about to knock.

Grant’s entire body jerked while Spencer’s eyes widened. “What are you doing here?” my friend demanded.

The most startling thing was how surprised Spencer looked at Grant’s tone; like it was some oddity that one of my closest friends would have been angry on my behalf.

“C-can I talk to you?” he asked, his voice squeaking on the last word.

I licked my lips, weighing my options. How could he hurt me any worse? I gave Grant a nod, signaling that I was okay. He moved out of the way, granting Spencer entry, but I knew my friend; he wouldn’t be far.

The man in front of me waited until the door was shut before he spoke. “Did I do something?”

My eyes had dropped down to my hands only to shoot up to his face at those words. What?

“To make you upset?” he clarified. “I…you’ve been avoiding me all day. And I know you were in here earlier when I knocked.”

His words tore at the bandages I had wrapped my heart in, ripping my wound open again. All I could do was wrap my arms around my middle in an attempt to physically hold myself together. “W-why would I want to talk to you?”

If possible, he looked even more confused than I felt. “What is going on?” He took a step towards me. “Baby-“

My reaction to hearing that word come out of his mouth was visceral. I shot to my feet, almost stumbling over my chair in an attempt to put more distance between us.

Spencer froze. “I…I don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Please, y/n, you have to talk to me. It…it hurts me to see you hurt.”

Any work I had done to repair my heart was destroyed at his words. I never should have let him inside. The look on his face twisted a knife in my stomach. He had the audacity to look distraught over my tears like he wasn’t the cause of them.

“I know I said I’d call but I was just so busy with the case…I thought…you’d understand.”

I ran my tongue over my teeth while my eyes blinked rapidly in an attempt to clear the tears that were clouding my vision. If I couldn’t remember everything about yesterday so clearly, I would doubt that the man standing before me now was the same monster that spewed venom at me yesterday.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Reid.”

He flinched at my use of his last name. “I want you to tell me what happened.”

“Why?” I rasped out. “Do you want it to hurt more? Why are you doing this to me?”

Spencer took another step towards me, his hands were outstretched. "I don't-"

"Don't fucking touch me." I tried to fill my words with the same venom his words had yesterday when he told me the same thing, but my words came out as a broken plea.

He blinked and dropped his hands to his sides. “I deserve to know why you’re treating me like this.”

A sad sort of laugh came out of my mouth at his words.

Somehow the non-acknowledgment of my pain hurt worse than anything. “Do I mean so little to you that you forgot our conversation yesterday?”

Spencer shook his head, his hair flopping around his ears. “No, I didn’t talk to you yesterday.”

What? “Yes, you did.” My voice shook but my words still tumbled out of my mouth. “You pulled me into the copy room and told me…you told me that our night together was nothing…you told me that I was nothing.”

His brows knit together, his mouth popping open. “What are you talking about? You’re…you’re everything, y/n.”

“Reid, please…I know I’m pathetic, but I can’t take this. I can’t…” My shoulders started to shake. “Please don’t make me feel this again.”

“Pathetic?” he questioned. “What are you talking about? Is this…is this some sort of game? You don’t want to be with me…so you do this? Did Anderson tell you about my mom?”

“What?”

“My mom has schizophrenia. Is that why you’re trying to make me feel crazy?”

My brows knitted together. “I…Nobody told me about your mom. I’m not trying to make you feel crazy. And I wanted to be with you. But you told me you didn’t want to be with me.”

He still denied my words. “No, I haven’t talked to you. You’ve been avoiding me.”

“You avoided me all day yesterday. When I finally came to talk to you in the bullpen you walked past me like I wasn't there. Then I went after you." I held up my arm, pushing my sleeve up to show him the finger-shaped bruises. "You dragged me into the copy room. You told me I was pathetic. You mocked me. You told me I was just some girl…some pussy for you to use."

He kept flinching at my words like they were whips leaving lashes all over his body.

“You told me I was nothing. You told me our night together was nothing.”

“No.” He continued to shake his head. “I…I wouldn’t say that. But I especially wouldn’t say that to you. You’re wrong.”

I just shrugged. “Ask Prentiss. She saw me follow you out of the bullpen yesterday. Ask Garcia to pull the security footage. There’s probably a recording of you breaking my heart.”

“No, no, no,” he muttered over and over again.

“I don’t know why you’re pretending you don’t remember, Spencer.”

He didn’t say anything else; he just turned and left my office, slamming the door behind him.

JJ was suspicious when I called her from my office phone instead of just walking over to see her, but she didn’t ask any questions about the mysterious illness I told her had hit me. She just told me that she hoped I felt better and to take all the time I needed.

I knew that the team was set to fly out after JJ presented the case at 10 am in the morning, meaning that going back to work tomorrow wouldn’t be too hard. No matter how badly I hurt now, I couldn’t lay down and cry about it.

Part of me was afraid if I laid down, I wouldn’t be able to get back up.

With that in mind, I would give myself today to feel the full force of my heartbreak. I would cry when I wanted to, I’d watch sad movies and make myself cry more, I’d eat junk food that ultimately only made me feel worse. I would feel this pain for one day.

I told myself Spencer Reid didn’t deserve more of my tears than that. I told myself that over and over again until I almost believed it.

Anderson had been texting me all day to check-in, I had even gotten a nice call from Penelope Garcia asking me if I needed anything.

The most unexpected call came at 8 pm that night from a number I didn’t recognize.

“Y/n?” the voice asked. “This is Prentiss.”

Oh. “Oh. Hi, Emily.”

“Listen, I called for two reasons. The first is that I wanted to check in on you, and the second is…the second is a bit more personal.”

Oh. I cleared my throat. “I’m as good as I can be, Emily.”

She sighed. "I figured. Which brings me to my second question. Did something happen between you and Reid?" After a few moments of my silence, Prentiss hurried on. "You don't have to tell me. It's just that…Reid came up to me this afternoon and demanded to know if I had seen you come into the bullpen to talk to him yesterday."

“What did you say?”

“Um, I told him yes. Because I did. What is going on?”

My fingers picked at the edges of the blanket in my lap. “I don’t know. Anderson thinks something is up with him.”

“We all think something is up with him.”

Her confirmation didn’t make me feel any better.

I arrived to work the following morning at 9 am, a full thirty minutes later than usual. JJ had stopped by my office to see how I was doing, followed by a visit from Prentiss. Garcia had teetered into the room about 15 minutes after Emily left, giving me a frosted cookie that was bigger than my hand.

“Cookies help,” she had said confidently.

I hoped she was right.

Anderson popped in last. "Hey, ooh." He skidded to a stop. "You look terrible."

I shot him a withering look. “Thank you so much, Grant.”

“You know what I mean.”

“…That I look terrible?”

He nodded, his lips twitching at the corners. “Anyway, Hotch needs the mileage forms for the SUVs. I can run it over to him.”

My teasing tone vanished. “I’ve got it, Grant.”

I wasn’t sure if that was true, but I had to believe it was. Or at the very least it would be soon.

It took every ounce of will power I had not to let my eyes wander over to his desk when I entered the bullpen. I could almost feel him looking at me. It went against every natural instinct I had to ignore him…but what else could I do?

Hotch wasn’t in his office when I knocked but the door was unlocked. He never minded if we walked in when he was out if we just had something to drop off. I tried to find an open space on his desk to set the forms when I heard the door squeak on its hinges behind me.

I spun around, my startled eyes connecting with a pair of sharp brown eyes.

“Oh!” I exclaimed. “I’m sorry, Agent Gideon. I didn’t see you there.”

He gave me a small smile, but that sharp look didn’t leave his eyes. “No, I don’t suppose you would have,” he said simply. “It’s hard to notice anyone else when you’re trying so hard to not notice someone.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

Gideon just nodded. “I’m going to tell you something. Now, you can take these words to heart, and I hope you do, or you can take them as the ramblings of…a sentimental old man.”

I shifted my weight from foot to foot. “Okay.”

"A lot of people think that the most important thing you can have in a relationship is love," he began, his eyes never wavering from mine. "In my not so humble opinion, they are incorrect. You see, y/l/n, love fades. Love isn't a thing that can stay in one form forever. It's always changing… its fluid."

“Sir, I don’t-“

“You know what the most important thing is?” he asked as if I hadn’t spoken. “Mercy.”

I just blinked at him. “I…I don’t think I understand.”

He just smiled at me, his hands moving into the pockets of his jeans. “Maybe not yet, but I think you will.” Gideon’s gaze broke from mine, looking through the windows of Hotch’s office to settle on Reid. His head was bent over his desk while his fingers ran over the pages in front of him. “He’ll need mercy, y/n. More than anything else.”

Agent Gideon turned back to look at me. “He’ll need it from all of us, but I don’t think he’ll need it from anyone more than you.”

I couldn’t think of anything to say in response. I truly didn’t understand what he was talking about.

With one final smile, he turned and left the office, leaving me with my thoughts.

Agent Gideon’s words were still swirling through my mind the following afternoon when I got another odd call from Agent Prentiss.

“Hey, y/l/n,” she began, her tone annoyed. “Listen, have you heard from Reid?”

My entire body stilled. “No, I haven’t. Why?”

“He was supposed to meet us at the plane. Morgan and I are waiting for him but he isn’t answering his cell.”

I hated the worry that wormed its way through my heart at her words. “I’m sorry, Em. I haven’t talked to him.”

She clicked her tongue against her teeth. “It was a long shot. Thanks, y/n.”

For several minutes after she hung up, I just stared at my phone. Don’t, I told myself firmly. He’s not your problem.

Spencer Reid wasn't my problem…but I couldn't just stop caring about him overnight. That's not the sort of person I was.

I kept telling myself I was calling to check on him for me, because I was the sort of person who checked on their friends.

It didn’t make it easier when he didn’t answer my calls either.

The need to silence the shrill ringing of my phone pulled me from my sleep the following night. I still hadn't heard from Spencer, but Prentiss had called me this morning to tell me Reid had gone to see one of his friends and "didn't have a signal." Her tone indicated she thought he was full of shit.

My eyes cracked open to look at the caller ID. When I read the name of the person calling me, my fingers frantically pushed “accept.”

“Spencer?” I asked, my voice still thick with sleep. “What’s wrong?”

“Everything.”

I sat up in my bed, my eyes looking at the clock on my nightstand. “It’s after 3 am. Did something happen with the case?”

He cleared his throat. “Um, yeah. The unsub is a woman. We tried to catch her tonight…but we can try again tomorrow.”

“You’ll get her.”

The only sound I heard was his uneven breathing. “That’s not why I called.”

My tongue ran over my lips while I pulled the blankets further up my chest like they would be able to protect me in some way. "Why did you call?"

“Do you think people deserve forgiveness?”

“I…I think it depends.”

“On what?” he asked desperately.

“On what they did…on if they’re sorry.” I cleared my throat. “Did you do something, Spencer?”

“I made a mistake.”

Somehow, I knew he wasn’t just talking about what had happened between us. He sounded just like I remembered him sounding when I wrapped my arms around him that night he came to my house.

His voice broke when he spoke again. “I’m so lost, y/n,” he sobbed. “I’m so lost and I don’t…I don’t know what to do.”

I fought to control my own emotions when he spoke. No matter what happened my heart still ached at the pain in his voice. “You might be lost, Spencer. But you’re not alone. Your team…your family found you. They brought you home. They’re still here for you. They’ll bring you home again.”

We sat in silence for a few moments, both of us lost in our own dark sea of pain.

“I don’t deserve to ask you to forgive me,” he said at last. “So, I won’t ask. I don’t even…I don’t even remember what I said.”

I think my subconscious mind had been connecting these pieces together for a while because in the darkness of my bedroom at almost 4 am, things finally began to take shape. The darkness that hung over Spencer was finally starting to take form.

“Just focus on the case, Spencer. We can talk when you get home.”

“Wait,” he called out. “Don’t go. Not yet.”

I don’t think I ever will.

The clock on my wall said it was just after 7 pm the following night when there was a knock on my door. Frowning, I made my way across the room, pressing my eye to the peephole, slightly surprised at who I saw.

I had figured he would come for me at some point, but I hadn’t expected it to be the very moment he got back into town.

…but it isn’t the very moment, I reminded myself. JJ had texted saying their plane was landing at 5 pm this afternoon.

He didn’t knock again but he didn’t move away from the door either. I think he knew I was there, just out of his reach, debating my options.

Opening yourself up to something that might hurt you is one of the most foolish and brave things a person can do. When someone you cared about broke your trust, how could you put your heart back into those very same hands?

I remembered Gideon’s words from that afternoon before they had left for New Orleans.

Over the past several days I had realized that that day in the copy room it wasn’t actually my Spencer that said those things. Something dark and painful had clawed its way into him and was trying to hollow him out.

That dark thing didn’t deserve my mercy…but I think Spencer did.

With a deep breath, I started to unlock my front door, grateful he couldn’t see that my hands were shaking. He looked tired but a different sort of tired than I was used to seeing. Weariness had crawled underneath his skin and was draining him slowly, but he didn’t look as defeated as he did the last time I saw him.

No matter how many times I had thought about this moment, I still wasn’t sure what to say

“I came…I came to explain.” He said at last.

I was still frozen in place watching him shift uncomfortably. I knew he wanted me to invite him in…but, how could I? Trusting him enough to talk to him was one thing but how could I allow him into the only place I felt safe?

Gideon’s words played through my mind again. Mercy.

Taking a step back from the door, I waved him inside. I moved to sit on the couch, but Spencer just stood in front of me.

"When Tobias abducted me…" he trailed off, balling his hands into fists. "He had dissociative identity disorder. It's much more rare than people think. Whenever it's been observed under clinical settings, the most that has been observed is 2. Tobias had three.

The first was him, the next was his father, and the last was the Archangel, Raphael. Tobias’s father abused him horribly… Charles broke something inside of him, he fractured him. The only way he could survive was to start abusing drugs. He took them intravenously.”

Gideon's words had started to weave the pieces together, but it was actually Spencer's words from our night together that cemented everything in place. “I don’t want you to see what he did to me.”

"He thought he was being kind when he injected me." Spencer crossed his arms over his chest, tapping his tongue against his upper lip. "You hear about addiction; I could tell you the statistics on people who suffer from opioid addiction. But I never in a million years thought it would be me.”

I didn’t realize I was crying until a tear fell from my face and hit the back of my hand.

“I’m not the person who gets addicted to things. I’m not the stereotypical picture of an addict…but that’s what I am, y/n. I’m an addict.” He reached into his front pocket, pulling out a small coin. “This is a newcomer’s chip…from narcotics anonymous. You get it at your very first meeting. I got this an hour ago.”

“Spencer,” I rasped out. “I’m so sorry.”

He came to sit beside me on the couch then, his hand covering one of mine. "I thought I could handle it. I convinced myself it wasn't that bad, but it was. What I did to you was reprehensible, y/n. And I am so sorry." Spencer's voice broke, his shoulders shaking with repressed emotion. "I will be sorry about that day for the rest of my life. I don't deserve any sort of second chance."

I turned completely towards him, throwing my arms around him. “Yes, you do, Spencer,” I whispered into his hair. “You do.”

This night felt so much different than the first night I held him like this while he cried. I didn't know the cause of his pain that night, but it broke my heart nevertheless; now that I knew the pain inside this beautiful man…I think the pain I had been feeling was tearing at my soul.

Addiction doesn’t discriminate. It’s a disease that will sink its hooks into anyone and refuse to let go. Spencer had made a mistake; his actions had gutted me. But…was it really him? Or was it the monster that has hold of him? It was in these thoughts that I finally began to understand the weight of Agent Gideon's words. "He’ll need mercy from everyone…but from no one more than you.”

I wasn’t in love with Spencer…at least not yet, but I did love him. In those moments when loving someone felt impossible mercy was the most important thing you could offer. I had to show him my mercy while he moved through this…because I knew love would come later.

“I’m here for you, Spencer. I want to help you in any way I can.”

He pulled back, his wide brown eyes meeting mine. “I can’t ask you to battle my addiction for me, y/n. I wouldn’t even if I could.” His voice was earnest when he spoke, his hands coming up to cup my face with a touch that seemed so familiar. “I promise that I’m going to try. I’m going to mess up at some point, some moments will be harder than others. I can’t…I can’t be perfect at this. But I promise I will never stop trying.”

“You don’t have to be perfect, Spencer. You’re not worthy because you’re perfect. You’re worthy because you’re…you.”

His eyes were soft when they ran over my face, his hands coming up to cup my jaw again. “I can leave, if you want…I know you’ll need time…I can’t expect-“

I leaned forward to brush my lips against his. “Don’t go,” I whispered. “Just be with me. Be here with me, Spence.”

I'm not sure who moved first. It was like all the pain in my body gave way to such a burning need that it almost consumed me. Our lips barely broke apart when I pulled him from the couch, guiding him to my bedroom; our actions were so similar to what they had been on that first night that felt like a lifetime ago.

But everything was different.

My bedroom was lit only by the dusky orange glow from the setting sun. I didn’t get to question Spencer about anything. His hands moved urgently against my body, ridding me of my shirt and bra. I unbuttoned his shirt, careful not to push it off of his shoulders. My nails scored his chest while his mouth moved down to kiss the column of my throat.

Spencer’s knee was wedged between my thighs when his mouth closed over my nipple. My hands tried to move down to undo his pants but when his teeth tugged at the tip of my breast all I could do was whimper.

“Spencer. Please.”

His eyes opened and lifted to meet mine. He looked nervous for a moment before he started to kiss down my body. I lifted my hips to help him remove my pants. When his fingers hooked into the waistband of my panties, I realized he had never seen me in the light before.

I felt his index finger trace down my slit, spreading me open under his gaze. He swallowed thickly when one of his fingers entered me, pulling a moan from my throat.

“Can I?”

“Yes. Yes.” I wasn’t sure what he was asking, but I would have given him anything in that moment.

I wasn’t ready when I felt his tongue tentatively lick my pussy. My hips bucked off the bed causing him to chuckle.

“Hold still,” he whispered as he spread me wider. He inserted another finger into my heat while his tongue fluttered around my clit.

“I’m trying,” I whined. “Fuck. I thought you said you hadn’t done this before.”

Spencer lifted his head to press a kiss to my inner thigh. “I haven’t,” he replied, his voice needlessly smug. Before I could comment his lips closed around my clit again.

My fingers were tangled in his soft brown hair while my hips rocked against his mouth. “Spencer, I’m close. I want-fuck! I want to cum when you’re inside me.”

He rose up on his knees, his hands moving to his belt. He had looked reluctant to leave his current position, but I needed him now. "You can eat my pussy to your heart's content later."

Spencer’s hand froze, his eyes snapping up to meet mine.

“What?”

He shook his head. “Nothing. You just…you said later.” The confusion must have been plain on my face because he clarified, “I can have you later too.”

My arousal was still pulsing in my body but now something else was too. I knew he didn’t mean sex when he said he could have me; Spencer meant he could have me, he could be with me.

With that thought, I urged him up my body so I could press my lips to his again. We were still kissing when I felt the blunt tip of his cock brush against me before he slowly pushed inside of me.

“You…I didn’t know something could feel like this,” he said when his hips settled against mine,

I didn’t either.

I think he must have felt the same frantic need I did. His thrusts were forceful as he drove into me. I was already so close that I could feel myself approaching my peak.

“Spence,” I whimpered out.

“I know, I feel you. You’re right there.” He reached between our bodies and rubbed his thumb across my clit.

My back arched as my orgasm washed over me, my mouth hung open in a silent scream. After a few more thrusts, I felt Spencer find his release too. He whispered my name against my hair while he slowly came down, pressing soft kisses all over any part of my skin he could reach.

The frantic mood from before had lifted, but something still felt urgent. Spencer had gotten up a few moments ago to dispose of the condom in the bathroom, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

He hadn’t removed his clothes again, and something about the energy in the room made me put my clothes back on too.

I was sitting at the end of my bed when he came out of the bathroom a few moments later. He looked resigned and…almost defeated.

“Spence,” I started but he just shook his head.

He came to stand in front of me before he spoke. “I have to…I can’t hide from you.”

I stood up before he could move. “You’re not hiding anything, Spencer. Not anymore.”

He pressed his lips against mine again. I think he understood the gravity of my words and what revealing his body meant. He knew I’d see him; I’d see all of him. But whenever I looked into his eyes when he started to open his shirt, I felt like I saw more of him than I ever had.

Everything he felt was floating through his amber-colored eyes. His hands shook and a few tears leaked out of his eyes when he pulled his shirt from his body.

The bend of his left elbow was covered in bruises in all different phases of healing. It looked like one of his veins might even have blown.

When I brought my eyes back up to his, I found them shut tight.

“Hey,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around his middle, careful of his arm. “Spencer, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” he breathed out.

I only held him tighter. “It will be. One day it will be.” I let out a shaky breath of my own before I spoke again. “You know I’m going to fall in love with you one day, right?”

His body jerked at my words, a tiny sob leaving his mouth.

“It’s true, Spencer. You have to know that. You’re worthy of love. You’re worthy of my love.”

He pulled back from me, his hands cradling my face while his eyes searched mine. “I’m not. I’m not worthy…but I’m going to try to be.”

The slashes and cracks in my heart didn’t feel so painful when I kissed him again. It wasn’t my job to fix him. It wasn’t his job to fix me.

But I could show him mercy while he fought his battle. He deserved that.

Everyone deserves that.

Taglist: @rachelxwayne @pinkdiamond1016 @sickeninglyshoujo @justagirllookingforherplace @nanocoool @andiebeaword @imjusthereformggcontent @rainsong01 @violentvulgarvolatile @mys2425 @al3xmnd @imfalling-inlove @cielo1984 @shadyladyperfection @kissingvalentino @goofygubler14 @hopebaker

#Spencer Reid #Spencer Reid Angst #Spencer Reid x you #Spencer Reid x reader #Spencer Reid x y.n #Dr. Spencer Reid #Dr. Spencer Reid Angst #Dr. Spencer Reid Fluff #Dr. Spencer Reid Smut #Spencer Reid fluff #Spencer Reid Smut #Criminal minds imagine #Spencer Reid imagine #Criminal minds angst #criminal minds fluff #criminal minds smut #Spencer Reid fan fiction #criminal minds fan fiction

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ackerpreach · 4 years ago

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This ending .... I can name 500 reasons and I will name them right now, because I don’t think I’m the only one who is upset with how things turned out. (Also, A positive message for all of you at the end)

MAJOR LEAKS SPOILERS/ READ WITH CAUTION

Update: after reading more theories from fellow RM bloggers, and sleeping over it one day, this entire chapter might be an april fools... Don't fully lose hope yet beautiful people. It's me just giving a review on a possible fake April fools chapter

After following this franchise since 2013, so nearly a DECADE. this ending is a pure disserve to the entire fandom. I feel like Yams has rushed it just for the sake of being done with the entire manga. So many things are left open, characters and their developemt are reverted back all the way to chapter 1 or are left even worse than that...

Mikasa’s worthless character development/ Aaronmika’s horrible toxic codependent relationship

Oh honey... Let’s start with how horrible Isayama has treated her. We were all rooting for her, because we all felt like she was so misunderstood. She had a horrible childhood and imprinted on a guy who treated her like trash 99 percent of the story. And then, slowly but surely, she starts to realize she has to stop obsessing over him in the uprising arc with the help of a real man who treats her like a queen, more importantly, he treats her like a real human being. This man sees her for her abilities and that she has the power to be self dependent. She learned parts of herself, that she was able to work together with him like no one else could. She learned parts of herself she was unable to do so if she kept obsessing about Aaron. All this love, care, mutual understanding and RESPECT these two shared.

but...NAH FUCK THAT, right Yams?? Throw all this development away, all this bonding. Let’s make the main female lead even more yandere than she already was in the first season. Let her make out with his decapacitated head (like dude, this is also pure disrespect to Aaron’s dead body btw) and let her obsess even more about the guy who has treated her no better than a piece of toilet cloth 99 percent of the time. The guy who was never really appreciative in front of her for saving his ass billions of times, who always pushed her away, who yells at her and snaps at her whenever he can instead of reasoning and talking calmly with her in mature way. (EVEN PARODY YOUTUBE CHANNELS WHO DONT SHIP ANYTHING MAKE IT A TROPE WHERE AARON TELLS MIKASA HE HATES HER GUTS WHENEVER HE CAN)

Then after all that, suddenly Yams tries to last minute persuade us Aaron’s always been head over heels for her??? He should have build their relationship better which he hasn’t even tried to do so... He must be thinking his fans are stupid for eating this from his hands.

Like seriously??? What is this???

Isayama is just fully contradicting himself. It’s like someone tipped him off with a buttload of money for him to write Aaron like this to satisfy shipping needs and to cash in those extra money’s from it. Even if he tried to cater to Erem*ika, this is not how you write a loving and caring couple which people will root for.

This next two panels just freaking infuriates me to the core of my soul. I can’t even describe how dissapointed I am with Mikasa.

Why is she clutching that head so obsessively like that? Why is she walking and turning her back away from her comrades? After everything they have done for her, after all they’ve been through?! After everything Armin has done? Standing up for Mikasa, beating up Aaron for hurting her. I feel like even Jean, Connie and Sasha have cared more for her in a healthy way. Sure, Aaron cares for her romantically too apparently (What a twist Yams :)), but has he aided her to becoming a mentally healthier individual? Has he aided in her mental stability? The answer is a big fat NO! All I see between these two after today’s raw Chapter’s are too Yandere obsessed individuals who have no clue on how to maintain a healthy relationship.

Love should only go as far as the heart can endure and it seems like her character is not willing to be aware of that. Even Armin was able to let go of Aaron in those latest panels. Why does her entire character resolve around this guy??? I really do not understand. Her Ackerbond and her age is not an excuse for her to throw her life away like this.

Shonen’s disgusting portrayal of women

I’ve seen this countless of times in the many years I’ve watched anime. SasuS*ku from Naruto, Ichih*me from Bleach, Shinji and that oranged hair girl from Neon Evangelion.. Why do these women get decreased to simpletons with one single goal? And that is to obsess over a bland male lead who either treats them like trash or doesn’t notice them up until the last last chapter (LITERALLY WHAT YAMS HAS DONE). Some go even as far as the male leading wanting the kill the female love interest and yet the female lead is still in love with them???. It’s disgusting for him to write the MAIN female character this way.

It’s dissapointing we believed in Isayama doing Mikasa’s character right. That she’s finally being able to let go of her codependency and to live for herself maybe live in Hizuru and find more about her roots???, but every single time she shows some improvement, it’s burried deep in the ground again by the Author. It almost seems like a lowkey kink of some of the male Mangaka’s to write about a girl obsessing over them no matter what. I see this so many times to the point that I truly stand behind it that some of them might have this fantasy.

I wished he didn’t portray her last panels like this. Everyone else is living their lives while Mikasa is still grieving about him. I’m not saying she’s not allowed to grieve and everyone takes it at their own pace, but cmon... Show her living her life too. This is too much. Her being next to his grave and grieving him as her last panels just shoves it in our faces that YET AGAIN, BEING OBSESSED WITH AARON IS ALL HER CHARACTER STANDS FOR.

I truly despise how Isayama handles her grieving, kissing his decapacitated head, carrying it around like some handbag, and her last panels being thissss.

The world leaving Paradis alone miraciously after all that???

It’s so weird and out of place with so many political feuds and disagreements between the world and Paradis, the entire Rumbling happening and we can see Mikasa just chilling outside in Paradis with no one bothering them. You can see the rings of the walls in the picture below. I don’t know the exact reason behind as the manga is still in Korean, but from what I see, the story went the route of: throwing a happy ending without enough proper reason and it was all fixed just like that in a snap! It doesn’t fit the entire narrative of attack on titan for things to be so peacful out of nowhere. When it comes to the narrative, how things work in that world, how hard it is to achieve peace, everything made somewhat sense up until chapter 138. 139 seems so so out of place... It’s like I’m reading a chapter from a totally different manga.

Aaron Yoghurt got defeated so easily/ Aaron’s character assassination

The build up on the first part of the rumbling was great, those kids carrying coins. You could feel humanity’s fear and Aaron’s hatred in those pages. As if he truly had a goal and he has turned away completely from his comrades and his closest friends with no return. The world seemed truly doomed, but he got defeated just like that. He was in the nape all this time (because screw the warhammer power of hiding yourself elsewhere in his ginormous titan body). There is no master plan as we all expected, and in the end he just acts all yandere in the paths with Armin and that’s it... They massacared his entire character as well. Many fan theories created a better ending with his character. Him being reincarnated as Historia’s baby would be so much better. For him to still keep on seeking and to strive for power. It has always been his motive. It’s his personality from the start until chapter 138. Even if things are okay, to keep on going and to seek that adventure, but then.. He’s so weak and directionless suddenly.. It’s so weird... This is not Aaron at all???

Using Aaron for him this entire post, because I don’t want others to invade our tags... :)))

Historia’s baby

The only panel we got from Historia’s child was this. Just a normal kid, normal life... Why did Isayama put so much effort in highlighting Historia’s pregnancy if it was nothing too spectacular anyway? It seemed he had major plans for this kid and for their development too??? It’s again, big plans, big developments, big relationship dynamic, but all got thrown out of the window...

Don’t read the next sentence if you are a minor :’)

It’s like almost ejaculating, but stopping right before it and repeating that every single Arc.

My energy when writing about this chapter is the same as Nostalgia Critic and his hatred for atla the live action

In Conclusion...

I know us fans should not be deciding on how this story should end, because this is Isayama’s story after all, but I truly wished for him to wrap up things much more rounded. There are so many unanswered questions... Again, I think for the sake of being done with this manga, he rushed all of it. He’s become a millionaire from this story and now his pockets are jammed full, I guess he doesn’t need to put in any effort anymore, right? Perhaps a controversial opinion, but I really wished he cared for his fans a little bit more with this last chapter by giving some answers that make sense at least. It’s his fans who gave him this platform and the opportunity to tell his story and for him to at least give in a bit of effort especially in the last chapter is the least he can do. Rivamika being canon or not, he truly rushed it without thinking much about the entire story line. He expanded it so much, he didn’t know how to bind it all together.

Even after all this, I’ll still ship them in the headcanon type of way. I do give credit to Isayama for giving us a template for such a beautiful dynamic between Levi and Mikasa. He decides to waste it, but that doesn’t mean we have to. I want to thank all the people with amazing writing skills, the ones who give us beautiful art like @carmenlee @phit chan @vialesana and many more. I want to remind all of you that we can create something beautiful of our own and we don’t neccesarily need canon lore for that. The art I’ve seen, the fanfictions I’ve read have touched me deeper than Isayama ever could at times.The Mikasa in our mind is appreciate of Levi, is mature, classy and has a strong will for herself. They spend their remaining days together peacefully. Keep writing, keep drawing, stay creative.

I love you all so so much, I’ve only been publicly active since March, but thank you Rivamika fandom for giving me so much joy as a lurker these past 7 years <3

#rivamika #snk leaks #snk 139 leaks #levimika #mikalevi

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demonslayedher · 4 years ago

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Love Breathing Not Fully Bloomed: A Kanroji Mitsuri Meta

Some thoughts that have been brewing since we got a deeper look at the birth of the Breath of Love in the Rengoku Gaiden, boiling down to that Mitsuri had not yet reached her full potential.

SPOILERS AHEAD~!

While we don't have any reliable timeline for this series, we know that Mitsuri has been practicing swordsmanship for only about two years, likely less. The "two years ago" stated in her flashback to her failed engagement was back when she was 17, so let's be generous and say that was 2.5 years ago. But, we must also keep in mind that she's been a Pillar for at least several months by the time Swordsmith Village arc takes place. The Pillar meeting Tanjiro met her at was possibly her first of the twice-a-year meetings, but I wouldn't put it anywhere beyond her second. After the failed marriage discussion she would have spent some unknown period of time dying her hair and starving herself, before deciding to join the Demon Slayers. She accomplished her Flame Breathing training under Rengoku in six months, roughly half the time most Breath users train under their cultivators. Tokito is noted for becoming a Pillar in two months after taking up the sword, but Mitsuri probably stumbled her way into Pillarhood within months of passing the Final Selection; making the Kamaboko squad's quick ascension up the ranks look like nothing as she blows away the usual five years it takes someone to become a Pillar (or if they are especially skilled, more like two years, as stated by Gotouge in Taisho Secrets). While the way of swordsmanship and battle became Mitsuri’s everyday way of life, thereby leading to huge improvements, that's a really short time to develop actual battlefield experience. Among the Pillars, she is the least seasoned or naturally inclined for battle, it really is by accident of her bizarre strength that she’s gotten so far. That's hardly surprising, given her background and motives. For context, her interests are very domestic what with all the pet-keeping (four cats, a rabbit, and a whole hive of bees, by my count) and sweets and recipes, and her stated hometown would have been in the heart of developing city culture, with shopping and restaurants and movie theaters. There would have been no exposure to swords and the culture that goes with them, making her justifiably embarrassed of how monstrously her strength makes her stick out. Her inability to fit into a normal family life makes her feel worthless, even if she does have a base of love and support. (*Put a pin in these things, I'll be drawing a comparison to another character later.*) However it was that she was introduced to the Corp, it must have taken a huge leap of hope and/or desperation to leave the otherwise comfortable lifestyle for a life of battle. While Rengoku's home is not terribly far from hers, it still would have been a total break from the life she knew before, so she must had been betting everything on both her ultimate wishes; living in accordance with who she is, and finding a husband. Let's refer to these respectively as Wish A and Wish B. Note that "becoming a strong swordsman" and "elimating demons" are not among these goals; they are merely means to her goals. Now if we try to to follow her path as a swordsman chronologically, six months since taking up the sword under Rengoku, she's passed the Final Selection. On a mission with Rengoku, who now treats her as a peer, she's nonetheless filled with shame that she hasn't really picked up much skill and just waves her sword around with brute strength.

I love this bit of characterization because that is so, so easy a trap to fall into with martial arts. Even if you understand things in theory and do your best on proper form when taking things slowly, all of that very easily goes out the window when you're using them in the heat of the moment. The less experience you have, the far more likely one is to do this. Falling back on just throwing a punch as hard as you can instead of throwing a good punch makes Mitsuri so, so, so relatable. She is a normal girl with abnormal strength, not a battle genius. Like us normal people, and even like Tanjiro, she can only improve her battle sense with experience. This puts her in a very different situation than the other Pillars, who she meets either when they are very experienced, or when they are outright geniuses. This gives her a different sense of shame, which we'll come back to. While feeling ashamed that she can't live up to Rengoku's teaching, her fighting suffers with this lack of self-confidence (which, again, makes her very relatable because this is applicable to just about all of us normal people), and she only realizes the Breath technique when applying it through her own unique emotion-driven fighting style. While she goes on to name this Breath after Wish B (given that this is a romantic version of "Love"), it's powered more by a philanthropic love, realized only when she is protecting other people. This becomes a newly discovered third wish, as well as a source of confidence.

In the side story novels, Mitsuri later on suffers another blow to her confidence which compromises her fighting and makes her fall back into wanting to hide herself, for she is ashamed of how her motives compare to Shinobu's. Besides Shinobu's encouragement and giving Mitsuri a venue in which to openly express her love and appreciation for other people, another child whom Mitsuri has rescued looks up to her and says a few things to restore her confidence. Getting that feedback and being able to express herself openly (Wish A) is the cycle that powers Mitsuri's confidence and keeps her ultimate weakness, shame, at bay. This, combined with words of encouragement from Ubuyashiki and Rengoku, is what really empowers her to embrace her unusual constitution and develop the Breath of Love. While it's said that this is an offshoot of the Flame Breathing she's formally trained in, it's more of a stretch than the relationship between something like Snake Breathing stemming from Water Breathing, and more like she's hit at the basis of Breathing itself to create a technique suited to her, like Inosuke did with his entirely self-taught Beast Breathing. (*Put a pin in this self-created Breath style thing, we're going to come back to this too.*) So, Mitsuri went on to become the Love Pillar. With the rate at which Pillars cycle in and out (based on how many the Upper Moons claim to have killed), I have to wonder how fast the Lower Moons getting cycled in and out too. Even though these are her peers and we never see any other Pillars looking down on her, she sees herself in a lower position than the rest of them. Case in point, one thing I love that the anime did is that when Tokito chips the rock at Tanjiro and tells him off, Mitsuri is silently fangirling, and then when Tokito orders the Kakushi to draw back/leave, Mitsuri silently and automatically obeys and shrinks back. That wasn’t directed at you, silly!

Though her Breath requires confidence, she still has a ways to go. When we see her again later, she's in a position of being a protector to everyone around her; the swordsmiths and her juniors, and she's treated with the awe and respect and acceptance of a Pillar; in this kind of setting she is fully in accord with Wish A (reinforced by her less formal third wish) and, thanks to Shinobu's encouragement, not ashamed of Wish B, thereby eliminating a big part of her shame-based weakness. She's added all this power and just as importantly, experience to her preexisting raw strength and flexibility.

The experience is key here; she's gained a lot of battle sense since her first mission. She's not as taken off guard by demon abilities, and with her risen confidence, she's also gained more flexible thinking and can make quick adjustments in battle as needed.

Not entirely, though. At her core, she still relies on that brute strength.

Ultimately, though toward the end she thinks she might be overpowered after all, it's that boost of confidence and cycle of philanthropic love from her juniors and desire to protect them than she recovers and makes use of her mark. (I'm glad no one's told her that this means she's doomed to a short marriage, should she ever even get one.)

Following this historic feat; acting in a way that is natural to her and to her Breath to unlock a mark she didn't even know existed, she still feels a little shamed among the other Pillars for being so shamefully inarticulate about battle technique; despite this being what she's dedicated her life to. Again, it was never her natural desire to be a fighter, so it’s unsurprising that this part doesn’t come as naturally to her as it does to all those geniuses in the room.

Moving on to the battle with Nakime, this is mostly played for laughs because Mitsuri's lack of battle sense compared to other characters is put on full display. She's emotional from the get-go and easily overwhelmed and this affects her concentration drastically, leading to stupid mistakes and ultimately having to fall back on her brute strength to break through pieces of the fortress instead of survive and fight through observation. Getting called out on this is meant to help her, and she absolutely does her best to summon back her battle sense, but it's all downhill for Mitsuri and her Love Breathing technique from here.

As the battle with Muzan starts, that third wish is thrown back in her face as so many of her juniors die protecting her. Since he's powered by philanthropic love and confidence, she cannot recover any battle sense, and quickly falters so much that she must be removed from the battle rather than weigh everyone down. The difference between her and the other Pillars here is stark; her inexperience and lack of natural fighting inclination is, again, painfully obvious and relatable to a lot of readers. She has natural strength, but not natural talent. When she does return to battle, she only has that core strength to rely on again--no room for peace of mind, only brute emotional strength resulting in a panel that made me throw my fist in the air and cheer out loud because damn, that is hardcore, girl.

But, in the end, Mitsuri succumbs to her injuries, and only right before death does she get closer to Wish B. Even with Iguro's promise, it's too late.

This is super frustrating for a number of reasons, but if we're focused solely on the actualization of Love Breathing, it's because Iguro could have said something much, much, much sooner if he wasn't so ashamed of his own blood tainting her in this lifetime (not that she would have cared). Words from other people have such a huge influence on Mitsuri that if she had actualized Wish B, for which her Breath is named, she could have made humongous gains in confidence before being romantically loved, and having someone to openly shower in love. Imagine what she could have unlocked, if that shame she still carried for being too monstrous to be married could have been eliminated. But that's not all. What if the timeline had been different? What if she had not two, but five years’ experience? Or even more than that? What if, for a long duration of her experience as a swordsman, she was also experiencing a happy marriage? I invite you to consider the implications of a Mrs. Iguro Mitsuri who has the comfort and confidence of being herself with a husband, in addition to being in a leadership role in the Corp? A Mrs. Iguro who, with a little honesty from her husband who feels bothered that she’s embarrassed, stands up to Maeda-san and says that as a married woman she needs a more modest uniform?* A Mrs. Iguro who gained a level-headed battle sense that can only be refined through experience, not based in brute strength alone? She'd be such a happy badass. *(Not looking for a modern-era Western culture based debate on this; this is defined based on Mitsuri's desire for a proper Taisho Era marriage.) Now, remember those pins I put in place? Consider someone else who realized a natural Breath technique all on their own, who attained a mark without any intention to, who felt like a monster due to super human abilities that made them shamefully unable to fit into the ideal family life, despite only wanting a peaceful, happy wedded life? Someone who valued bonds with other people, a kind person who lived to protect others? Now, I'm not saying that Love Breathing is as powerful as the Breath of the Sun, or that Mitsuri is as innately powerful as Yoriichi (their natural skills were of different types entirely). But, as all Breath techniques stem from the same natural Sun Breathing source, Love Breathing might have found its way back a little closer to that source, in some way or another. Which is all to say, never look down on Love Breathing or on Mitsuri just because she didn't play as big of a role as the others in the final showdown. After all, that Breath was not yet all it could have been, and as a swordsman, she was not yet in full bloom.

#KnY fandom theories and meta #Kanroji Mitsuri #Kimetsu no Yaiba #Demon Slayer

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yuujism · 4 years ago

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Sun and Night. (gojo satoru x reader)

Chapter 2: Need

← chapter 1 | chapter 3 →

| PAIRINGS: gojo satoru x reader; hints of getou suguru x reader x gojo satoru

| WARNINGS: ⚠️ SPOILERS FOR HIDDEN INVENTORY ARC ⚠️ suggestive language, toxicity, toxic gojo, toxic reader, angst, grammar errors

| WORD COUNT: idk lol i’ll count it later

| A/N: this is the second chapter of sun and night!! just didn’t want to make it into one chapter because personally i kinda get tired of reading ?? idk so i’m dividing into 3-4 chapters hehe!! so you can see where this is going with this chapter !! next chapter will have some smut so yeah 😎 hope you like it

summary;

You and Satoru were in love.

You were both so deeply in love, just not with each other.

Where you and Satoru found comfort in each other after the accident happened.

Chapter 2: Need

It was really obvious.

The way Satoru treated you was different since that day and everyone noticed it. You couldn’t bring yourself to care though.

Years passed after Suguru’s death, marking a before and after in both you and Satoru’s lives. Your mind and body grew tired of the mourning and the countless of lonely nights filled with tears and regrets, the whisper of your name coming to you like a fantasy. Like a memory that never really happened.

Satoru tried to get busy in an attempt to not think back at his best friend, getting into teaching and being a pain in the ass to the higher ups. It seemed way too Satoru-like: acting like nothing ever happened.

The hatred you felt towards the strongest sorcerer quickly became an envy you couldn’t hide.

You envied how easy it was for him to forget Suguru, remembering the way he couldn’t even tell you your first love died right in front of his eyes. You envied how strong he was and how different you were in every aspect of your life. You envied the way Satoru could just keep going with his life.

The both of you didn’t try to hide the bad blood between you, disregarding and ignoring each other outside the mandatory professional interactions you had. When asked about by your students, the same answer was given from the two sorcerers:

“We just don’t get along.”

And it was the truth. You didn’t get along.

Even when you tried to remember a friendly interaction between you and Satoru when Suguru was still alive, nothing came to your mind.

Satoru could’ve decided to hide his hatred towards you, he just didn’t want to. He didn’t even bother to hide the drop of his smile whenever someone mentioned you or whenever you entered the room. He still thought you didn’t deserve Suguru, not as much as he did at least. And that made Satoru’s blood boil.

He was the one who heard Suguru’s last words. He was the one who Suguru trusted in. He was the one. Enough said.

Of course you were aware of that. After all, they were both with and for each other. Even if it hurt your pride to admit, you were not stupid enough to deny the adoration those two had for one another.

You were just glad Satoru never brought the topic to the table and didn’t seem to have any intentions for it.

Or so you thought.

It wasn’t till the both of you were paired for a mission in the woods that everything started to go downhill for the third time in your whole fucked up relationship.

In the end, Satoru did most of the work. You really didn’t know why Yaga kept pairing you both when he knew Satoru was capable enough to take any curse by himself. It irritated you to no end how Yaga kept being a stoic asshole after all these years.

And Satoru knew that as well. You couldn’t even miss the cocky remarks he would do after every mission.

Unluckily for you more than for him, your patience wasn’t having it this time.

“Yay! Another job well done by me!” Satoru cheered for himself as he walked in front of you as he removed his blindfold to put his sunglasses on, raising his long arms in victory before turning back to face you, a sneer on his face. “Anyway, good job, I guess.”

Satoru wasn’t quick enough to turn around before he saw your whole cold facade crumble in front of his eyes, the words coming out of your mouth catching him off guard.

“Fuck, don’t you ever shut the fuck up?” You couldn’t stop yourself from gradually exploding, the fiercely murmur barely reaching Satoru’s ears who just grinned maliciously.

“Why are you mad? I just told you good job” His as-a-matter-of-factly tone didn’t help your anger, noticing how he also stopped in his spot to look down on you from afar. “You really get mad at everything. Not getting laid?”

You rolled your eyes and scoffed, walking past him not really being in the mood to argue with a man hitting his thirties acting like an actual child.

God, you were better than this. Better than him in this way at the very least.

“Or still can’t get over your unrequited love?”

Now, Satoru knew that was a low blow, even for himself. But oh, how he hated you. How he liked to see your face twist into pain and anger because of his snarky comments. You deserved it. You deserved to be hated by him and he would show it any chance he got. Satoru was ready for your outburst, maybe expecting you to use your technique against him and show you how useless it was.

But what he didn’t expect was for you to stop in your tracks and turn around calmly, a lot more clam than what Satoru liked.

Your eyes locked on his for the first time since your first discussion years ago and Satoru tensed under your gaze. He didn’t want you to look through him again, but he knew you had already seen everything you needed to see.

A nostalgic yet mocking grin adorned your face, not quite reaching your empty eyes.

“Never thought it would be you to bring up these feelings after all this time.”

And, this time, it was Satoru’s facade that crumbled down.

Because it was true. Neither of you ever mentioned Suguru to each other or the feelings you both knew you had towards the deceased sorcerer. Because, unknowingly, Satoru just admitted how jealous he also felt that you felt the same for Suguru.

No, not the same.

“Feelings?” Satoru mocked you with a twisted smirk as he took off his glasses, eyes filled with a fire you couldn’t describe. “Don’t make me laugh. You didn’t have feelings for him. Suguru was just a whim for you!”

This was the second time Satoru yelled at you and it almost felt like a deja vu. You jolted, the tone of his voice reaching deep within you to light the same fire that was burning in those blue eyes. You were glad you were still in the outside where nobody could stop or hear you.

“You really are thick in the head, aren’t you?” You yelled back, walking towards him in an agressive manner. “A whim? A fucking whim?” You laughed painfully, stopping inches away from him. “I loved Suguru more than you could ever imagine. What? Too jealous you weren’t the only one down bad? Oh! Boohoo!”

“Oh, shut the fuck up!” He bit back, throwing his glasses to the side to grab you by the collar. “You don’t even deserve to love Suguru! I do! He was my one and only, not yours. I did more for him than you ever did in your pathetic life!”

“Fuck off! Don’t you think I didn’t know that?!” God, you hated the way how your voice cracked in the end in front of him, tears creeping to your eyes as your hands flew to Satoru’s wrists. His infinity was surprisingly off. “I fucking knew it! God, the way you looked at him was enough for me to know you loved him just as much...” Tears started rolling down your cheeks, Satoru’s grip tightening. “I envied you for that. Fuck, I even envy how you don’t feel pain anymore.”

Satoru really didn’t mean to let this escalate this far, but what kind of bullshit were you spitting now? He was so angry, he didn’t even care about the fact your small hands and nails were digging into his skin.

“Are you dumb enough to believe I don’t think about what I could’ve done differently every day of my life?” Satoru’s tone was low now, blue eyes piercing into you with disdain. “I blame myself for his death. Do you? Tell me right now. Do you blame yourself?”

“Yes.” The lack of hesitation made Satoru let out a snort, and you didn’t let him interrupt you with his complaining again. “I blame myself as much as I blame you. While we were busy trying to get stronger after what happened with Master Tengen, he was suffering and we didn’t notice. We didn’t want to notice.”

Silence sourrounded you both, the grip on your collar loosening as the seconds passed by. You knew Satoru was having a hard time processing all this. The emotions, the discussion, letting out everything he hid for years and finally accepting your feelings towards Suguru. As if he was the one who decided on who could love him and who couldn’t.

His gaze never left your face, trying to deny the undeniable: all those times years ago, even when he thought he was doing a great job at hiding it, you could see right through him. You knew how much Satoru loved Suguru and you knew how he also swept Suguru’s feelings under the rug. You were just like him.

But, fuck, how he hated you.

How he hated your now soft eyes looking at him as if he was an injured lamb crying for help. How even if he towered over you as he had you in a strong grip, you didn’t seem to flinch over your next actions. Hated the way your hands made their way to the sides of his face, the coldness sending shivers down his spine as his breath hitched in his throat.

But what Satoru hated the most was the way he was probably feeling the same as you right now.

He wasn’t going to deny it anymore. At least, not this time.

“You know I hate you, right?” Satoru whispered, letting go of your collar to place his large hands on the sides of your neck, face a breath away from yours.

The faint brush of his lips against yours sent mixed signals to your brain. Don’t do it. This is a mistake. That’s dangerous territory. He’s literally Gojo Satoru.

But, holy hell, the way his hands travelled down your sides, reaching your hips after leaving a trail of fire on your skin, made you throw every worry out of the window. You needed this.

You both needed this.

“Yes, I know.”

And that was enough for Satoru to capture your lips in a feral kiss, the grip on your hips pulling you close to his body as your hands tangled in his white locks, pulling harshly as your tongues fought each other for dominance. You almost missed the way Satoru whined against your mouth at a certain pull on his hair, nails digging into the flesh of your hips as he grinded his growing erection against your stomach. And it really felt heavenly, having this anger come out through this kiss was the best option you could find.

But something was off.

Even if Satoru was the one kissing you as if his life depended on it, you couldn’t help but picture Suguru. His voice, his touch, his scent... everything was Suguru. A mere fantasy again and this time it hurt more than you think it would.

“S-Satoru, hold up.” You mumbled between kisses, trying to pull away by pushing him by his chest.

Satoru looked at you through half-lidded eyes, panting through parted lips the same as you as you stared at each other with guilt in your eyes. His hold in your hips released to place them in your cheeks, almost as if he was trying to make sure you were actually you. And that’s when realisation hit you like a truck.

“You...” You started hesitantly, looking down at your own hands on his chest. “You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?”

A second. Then two. Then a few other more passed and Satoru just seemed to have had a bucket of cold ice water thrown at him. It was almost as if you were inside of his own head. It was annoying.

“Fuck.” Satoru growled, finally pulling away from you as both of his hands ran through his hair desperately, turning away from your figure. “Fuck, I’m... I mean, yes, I was thinking of... Fuck!”

God, he was spiralling again. Of course he was thinking of Suguru. Satoru was thinking of your lips being Suguru’s, your touch, everything. Fulfilling the dream he could never live. And now you were probably going to have an argument again about how that kiss was a mist—

“Satoru.” Your hand on his back made him jolt, slapping himself mentally for not turning his infinity on after getting away from you.

He turned to face you, your features giving him a sweet smile as your other hand reached for the side of his face once again. Satoru didn’t like the way his heart jumped at your touch.

“It’s okay,” You murmured lowly, pulling Satoru close to your face once again as he calmed down. Your now warm hands reached behind his neck this time, his hands instinctively flying to your waist as your bodies got close to each other. Satoru was putty in your hands once again as he looked down at your parted lips.

“I was thinking about him too.”

#jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen writing #jujutsu kaisen x reader #gojo satoru #gojo satoru x reader #geto suguru #gojo satoru x geto suguru

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