#or something. idk what to tag these yet. who’s to say.
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i forgot i wrote this when i was DEEP into my pazzi phase so enjoy i guess 😭😭
this is unedited and my first and last time writing this shit is not for the weakk
how many drinks? (paige bueckers x azzi fudd)
warnings: underage drinking, suggestive, angsty? idk what to tag lol im not a writer
“paigeee” azzi whined, tired of the constant badgering from her best friend.
“bro come on azzi! it’s only one night and you literally never go out” paige quickly retaliated, pacing around the younger girl’s room.
“not when we have finals next week! you, out of all people should know how much work i need to catch up on. plus, my dad’s literally going to kill me!” azzi complained, fidgeting with the silver ring occupying her middle finger. with a smirk creeping up on paige’s face, azzi could already predict the words that were about to come out of the blonde's mouth.
“we can always sneak out..” she giggled, finally coming to a halt infront of azzi, lips slightly pouting as she put on a frown.
“please?” she gazed into azzi’s eyes, lips tugging into a smirk when azzi started to tilt her head back, eyes darting into every direction but paiges.
“madison im going to kill you one day i swear to God” azzi groaned, sitting further up her bed.
“so.. is that a yes?” paige squealed, unable to contain her excitement anymore. with a sigh, azzi rolled her eyes and threw a pillow at the older girl, before finally sighing with a yes.
“bro azzi youre the best! you know theres gonna be a dj right? and so, so much vodka!!” paige trailed on, while azzi simply fell back into the comfort of her bed listening to her best friend talk.
******
two hours had passed, and the pair couldn’t contain their excitement anymore. azzi was dressed in a tank top and a cute black miniskirt, the hem of the skirt settling just below her ass. paige, who wasn’t that concerned of what she was wearing had a flannel shirt and a pair of skinny jeans on. however, azzis outfit had definitely caught her attention. the way her tank top hugged her curves perfectly and the skirt that wrapped around her ass, it was impossible for paige to take her eyes off azzi, but she wasnt meant to feel like that about her bestfriend. mumbling something under her breath, she was quickly refocused on their plans of sneaking out of the fudd residence. azzi dashed down the corridor to triple check her parents were asleep, before signalling to paige that they were ready to leave. carefully, paige opened the window and started to climb out, shortly followed by azzi. the cool air hit their faces, the warmth and comfort of azzis room washing away. paige quickly got the address of the party up on her phone, only a short 10 minute walk. skipping and giggling their way to the party, they quickly arrived, buzzed off nervousness and excitement. azzi nervously glanced at paige,
“are you sure we can be here? what if the cops pull up? what if we get banned from basketball?”
“chill out azzi. you know i wouldnt put you in that sorta situation.”
"and if you do, i am literally going to kill you.” azzi bit back, tagging behind paige as they walked into the house.
*******
“look azzi! they’re playing 7 minutes in heaven! let’s go pleaseee” paige slurred, after four too many shots of straight vodka.
“are you serious? paige i haven’t had my first kiss yet and it sure as hell isn’t gonna be at this party.”
“you can always just say no… and plus, if not now, then when?”
“can you at least lemme get more wasted first?”
“yeah yeah whatever!” paige dismissed, grabbing azzis arm as azzi swiftly downed a shot and chaser and pulled her towards the crowd. the pair sat down in the circle, paige’s arm wrapped tightly around azzis shoulder. the game began, and one by one couples would disappear into the closet and reemerge, hair messed up and cheeks flushed. after 5 rounds, it was finally azzis turn. as she spun the bottle, she silently wished the bottle would break. she shut her eyes for a moment, preparing herself for the outcome. all of a sudden, a series of cheers and whistles erupted, as she felt paige’s arm that was wrapped around her shoulder grip onto her hand, leading her towards the closet. pushing themselves into the closet, azzi spoke up first.
"hi paige!" she giggled, playing with her fingers that were still firmly wrapped around her own hand.
"hi azzi," paige whispered, "you know you look really good tonight."
"only tonight?" azzi teased, stepping in front of paige so they were meeting eye to eye.
"you know you look good everyday azzi, dont play."
paiges eyes were slightly glazed, darting from azzis eyes and lips, indecisive between the two. azzi leaned in, closing any remaining gap between them. paige immediately cupped her hand on azzi’s flushed cheek, feeling the heat radiating into her hand. she couldn’t help but pull away and breaking into a smile, taking in what just unfolded before her.
“did i do something wrong? oh fuck i totally misread this didn’t i paige im so sor-“
before she knew it, paige’s lips were attached again, this time with more force and emotion. the older girl’s arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her even closer. azzi, unsure of where to place her hands, figured around the waist was the safest option, but as her cold fingertips came in contact with paige’s warm body, a spark ignited in both of them, fervently making out, hands exploring each other’s bodies. after what felt like a minute, a series of knocks pounded at the door. the slight giggles sneaking into the closet cut through the tension, with voices of girls outside the door squealing,
“7 minutes is up get outttt lovebirds!"
almost instantly, paige shoved azzi off her, hurriedly running her hands through her hair and straightening out her top.
“bro fuck what did we just do? oh my god bro this wasn't supposed to happen” azzi, still in shock of what just happened, mindlessly gaped at paige until she could form coherent words. the brunette was able to muster out a single word, fuelling paiges panic.
“what?”
paige started cursing again, to herself, to azzi, who knew? she pushed past the younger girl, out the door, and back into the party. azzi however, was still managing to collect her feelings.
"what the actual fuck just happened?" she asked herself, fixing her miniskirt which had ridden up to her hips. after a few minutes, azzi pushed the door open, to be met with some of paiges friends that she met earlier.
"azzi! oh my godd girll you look soooo good" one giggled, the other trying to balance on her two feet. azzi gave a polite smile, asking if both were okay, before she pushed through the crowd to find paige again. when she finally saw a glimpse of her blonde hair, azzis jaw dropped to the floor, her eyes in a trance at the unbelievable audacity paige had. there she had been, making out with azzi 10 minutes ago, but now sliding her toned arms across another brunette's shoulders, the girl giggling at whatever paige was saying. paige looked up, directly into azzis long-lashed, beautiful brown eyes, but before she could even blink, azzi was gone.
#paige bueckers#azzi fudd#pazzi#paige bueckers smut#azzi fudd smut#paige bueckers x azzi fudd#i need to clear out my notes so hear u go#if this is bad dont complain pls
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- Foster Fail -
OCs: Parker Brown (baseline), Battle-Brother Mikhail (Dark Angel), Blood Claw Kári (Space Wolf). Brother-Sergeant Perseus (Ultramarine) and Battle-Brother Celeborn (Lamenter) are mentioned but don't appear yet
Tags: Space Marine Husbandry (Sentience), found family dynamics that will be elaborated on, fluffy self indulgent nonsense, Space Wolf is big doggy, gay ass space marines
This idea wormed its way into my brain after binge reading @kit-williams's Space Marine Husbandry stuff, though what I've written may not exactly be compliant with the established lore in terms of bonds. Idk I'm a silly guy who likes nontraditional found family,, ty to @daily-shenanigans784 for the beta and to my beloved Blood Angels fan for giving a seal of approval lol
The Chorus: @thisuserislilsilly
- - -
“I just don’t see myself taking on any Blood Angels in the future.”
“Really?” The new case worker tipped her head to Parker, clutching her clipboard and giving him a bemused look over the cafe table.
“Don’t get me wrong, my friend has a beautiful Sanguinary flock with a dreadnought they absolutely adore, so I can see the appeal. It’s more of a lifestyle thing.” Licking his lips, he brushed the last crumbs of pastry from his fingers, crumpling up his napkin to discard on his empty plate.
“You say that like you don’t have a Lamenter roosting in your barn, Mr. Brown. Clearly you know how to keep ‘em.” She tittered. Speaking to another baseline was certainly a change of pace from Ankesh, the Salamander he’d corresponded with the last few years, but so far he had no complaints about Lorraine.
Parker scoffed. “Celeborn and Percy are a bonded pair, I had no say in the matter.” Well, that wasn’t entirely true, but it was hard to imagine life without the Lamenter these days.
“Oh, Perseus? Your Ultramarine?” Lorraine’s bleach blonde hair swished as she glanced down at her clipboard.
“Mhm.”
She peered over the top of her forms, expression quizzical as he took a final swig of his coffee. “I thought you and him were bonded.”
“Hm? Why’s that?” With a raised brow, he wiped his lips on the sleeve of his sweatshirt.
“Well, I’ve never seen a solitary marine follow a baseline without one before.” Her round eyes bored into him, seeking answers like she could drill them out with a stare. Okay, maybe there was something he could complain about. Way too much eye contact.
“Dunno about any of that, but Percy’s family, no matter how you slice it.” Shrugging, Parker tried to find a spot on Lorraine’s nose he could look at more comfortably.
“How long have you been…?”
“Seven years.” He stated before her inquisitive silence could stretch too long. “I’m 23, be 24 in the spring.”
Beaming, her round eyes grew even wider. “No wonder you’re the local loyalist foster, if you’ve been working with Astartes for so long.”
“Working is a strong word.” Chuckling, Parker couldn’t help but be reminded of days crawling out his bedroom window only to be scruffed by a scowling Ultramarine. “Speaking of, you bring the file?”
“Sure thing.” Flipping past what he assumed to be his foster record, Lorraine unclipped a few papers from the stack on her clipboard, passing them across the table as he pushed his glasses up his nose.
In the interest of skimming the whole document, Parker removed the paperclip holding the stack together and picked out the important details. Battle-Brother Mikhail, Primaris, loyalist. His brow furrowed. Dark Angel. First-time foster. “...No brothers-in-arms with this one, Lori?”
“Nope! You said you wanted to take it easy for the holidays, so I figured you’d only want one on your hands.” Lorraine grinned, seemingly oblivious to the migraine already brewing.
Fostering the rough cases of loyalist Astartes was Parker’s bread and butter, and it was partially because he had gotten quite good at tuning into their needs. Loyalists might have seemed easier than Chaos marines or Renegades, but that was only on the surface, as they could become just as unruly and sullen. Potentially violent.
A great many fosters that had gone through Pinkman Ranch, and the most common were those poorly adjusted to the second millennium, either through recent arrival or homes that couldn’t provide for their needs. An industrious and well behaved Ultramarine or a beautiful and artistic Blood Angel could very easily become agitated and restless with someone who expected an easy foray into the benefits of having a space marine in the household. His father had taught him that the hard way.
“You’ve worked with Dark Angels before, right?” The case worker piped up, snapping Parker out of his contemplation.
“Yup. A pair of them, last year.” He mused, remembering that they were… hard to motivate. For lack of a better word, space marines with hobbies often adjusted better to a time without the strife they were built for, giving them passions to pursue. Dark Angels ran on piety and persecution as their duties, which proved to be incredibly difficult to get past. “They aren’t exactly big talkers.”
“Which makes them perfect for a nice quiet vacation!” Lorraine forged ahead, nodding eagerly.
“Mhm.” Quiet was exactly what he was worried about. Years of familiarity had cracked Percy’s shell, Celeborn was forthcoming with his needs and had Percy to advocate, and Kári wore his emotions as plainly as wearing his armor. Without a battle-brother for support, to ease his way into a new worldview, fostering a Dark Angel could be tricky and delicate work.
“My only question is how you think your Space Wolf might interact with him.”
“Kári listens to his pack. He knows to back off.” The concern was how the foster would react to his squad, not the other way around. The Blood Claw could be rambunctious, but Parker worried how such an insular marine would warm up, especially if he was out of commission for a bit and unable to stand between them. However, that wasn’t something Lorraine needed to know about.
“Anything else you wanted to ask? I assume you already know how to contact the local base.”
Parker dragged a hand through his hair, staring down at the small photo of the Primaris attached to the document. Serious but slim face, dark hair, a proud but haunted look in his eye. Of course he could always decline, but… this was part of why he started fostering after all. Percy would always be there if things got out of hand.
“Nope, I think we’re good to go.” He paperclipped the file back together and handed it back across the table to Lorraine. “I assume you’ll send him by tomorrow?”
-
In the cold grey light of early morning, frost covered grass crunched beneath boots and sabatons alike, padding along the fence of the property. For someone so big, Parker was continuously impressed by how quiet an enormous stack of muscle and armor like a space marine could move so quietly, the Dark Angel having fallen into step behind him.
“Just so we understand each other, you’re here to adjust, so I only have one big rule. Stay on the property, don’t go running off into the woods.” Parker looked sidelong over the barbed wire at the dense thicket of blue spruce blanketing the mountainside. “Rocky Mountain National Park is pretty damn big, so there’s plenty of room for war bands and renegades and the like, but you can’t go running after them while I’m supposed to be keeping an eye on you. Understood?”
Looking back at the marine, Parker waited for some indication of understanding, thankfully receiving a nod.
“Great. You can run off and hunt once we’re done, though if you can’t stand being idle that long, there’s plenty to do around here.” He smiled at the impassable helmet, hoping the Astartes felt welcome behind it. Mikhail hadn’t said a word since the local base had dropped him off, but Parker had to admit to himself he didn’t expect much else.
“Most of the profitable work is seasonal thanks to the livestock we keep, the sheep get sheared in the spring, and we harvest honey from the bees in summer and fall, but upkeep is year round. There’s also the chickens up by the house, but they’re more like pets, and we eat the eggs more than we sell them.” Meandering towards the barn, Parker chattered away, a soft pride in his chest as he talked about what had become the last few years of his life.
It wasn’t long before he was intercepted, a behemoth in grey armor rising from where he’d been sitting amongst the flock of sheep and jogging over with a sharp toothed grin.
“This our fresh blood, PB?” Kári crowded into Parker’s space as usual, grabbing the baseline by the underarms and scooping him up for a hug in greeting. Though the armor was cold in the winter air, his body glove and skin radiated heat, and without his helmet Parker had free rein to run his hand through the Space Wolf’s short auburn curls.
Parker chuckled. “Be nice, there’s no need to call him that. Kári, this is Battle-Brother Mikhail. Mikhail, Blood Claw Kári.” Twisting in the affectionate marine’s grip, he turned to smile encouragingly at Mikhail, gesturing as best he could for introductions.
“No need to keep your helmet on, cousin. Let me see that pretty face of yours.” The Space Wolf teased, expression wolfishly playful as he nosed Parker’s cheek, ruffling his hair with warm puffs of breath.
“Be nice, I said.” Parker groused, righting his glasses as Kári’s nuzzling had knocked them askew. “You don’t need to if you don’t want to, Brother Mikhail.”
Silent through their exchange, Parker half expected the Dark Angel to ignore Kári, but to his surprise after a moment of stillness Mikhail reached up. With a hiss of a releasing seal, his helm was removed and magnetized to his hip.
The printed black and white thumbnail image on his file did him no justice. Wavy black hair hung down to the man’s jaw, framing oddly wide green eyes and high cheekbones. He, much like Kári, had a look of youth almost uncharacteristic of the Adeptus Astartes, but with a pale face rather than the Space Wolf’s freckled and suntanned one.
Kári whistled appreciatively. “Oh, you are pretty! Why don’t you waste some time with me tending the sheep?“ Parker was ready to scold him when Mikhail defied his expectations once again and looked shy. A blushing Astartes was truly a sight to behold, and the baseline had to consciously keep his mouth shut so as to not gape at him.
“That which does not serve the Emperor’s will is not anything praiseworthy.” Mikhail muttered, voice soft but oddly robotic. Blinking, Parker stared at the Dark Angel for a long moment before covering his mouth with a hand, almost certain that laughing would be seen as disrespectful.
“Seeing as he isn’t here to impose that will, I wouldn’t concern yourself.” Tipping his head at the other marine, Kári spoke flippantly. Already pushing buttons. Mikhail’s brow furrowed into a frown.
“What he means to say,” Parker quickly interjected, “Is that nobody can find your Emperor in our time. Humanity is not united under him like in yours, so… he’s not exactly leading anything here. At the moment.”
Jaw working, Mikhail’s lips twisted as he seemed to think for a long moment, perhaps coming up with a retort as he stared intently at the baseline. It was what Parker often feared working with loyalists; they only knew to be His weapons. However, there was no way of knowing what Mikhail thought, as he once again fell silent with a brief nod of understanding.
“How about we head back to the house? Percy and Celeborn are still baking?” Uneasy but relieved for the time being, Parker steered the conversation away from the Astartes’s past (future?) and patted Kári’s gorget in a request to be put down that was quickly obliged.
“Lead the way.” Kári pressed his nose to the baseline’s mousy brown hair one last time before letting him go, and Parker started the trek back to the farmhouse, the two space marines following behind like a pair of very large, armored ducklings.
#warhammer 40k#fanfic#my writing#ocs#m!oc#space marines#ultramarines#space wolves#lamenters#dark angels#space marine husbandry sentience
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So I also ended up making this this afternoon
So basically the story behind this is that I decided “eh screw it, I said I’d try making that megop kid idea, might as well try making some helm designs to start out with”. And I made a bit of one for TF One, though specifically inspired by their cogless designs since I’ve drawn them a fair bit
But then it dawned on me that outside of TF One, I haven’t actually drawn that many Megatron and Optimus designs. Like I drew Animated Optimus like a couple times when I was starting out, but that’s it. And also the idea itself doesn’t really work with TF One, since as it stands the war hasn’t technically even broke out yet. It works far more in a series where it’s actually been happening
So I figured, I should start at the basics and get myself some practice on g1 Megatron and Optimus, since you know, they’re the classic designs
Also side note on g1 that isn’t really related but I wanted to add in anyways, today I got the complete set of the g1 cartoon (minus the movie but that’s okay). It was a Christmas present that was supposed to come earlier but finally came in today. And I learned my PS4 can play Blu-Rays (which really shouldn’t be a surprise, I’m aware that’s what made the PS2 sell so well, but I didn’t realize they kept doing it), so that means I am now able to watch g1 on an actual TV, legally, with presumably higher quality, and possibly even subtitles
So you know, I’m doing pretty good right now. I’m glad my dad is supporting my Transformers fixation and the fact that I’m insisting on using a DVD player (for the movies at the library, but still), which means actual DVDs
Anyways, side tangent aside, back to the drawings
I think they turned out fairly decent, they don’t really bother me. I do kind of wish I added shading/lighting so the drawings weren’t so flat, but regardless
Admittedly I think I do need to work on actually doing poses and things with these designs, I’m doing a whole lot of nothing with them right now. I need to pose those cubes
Also there’s some colors shared between the two. I don’t know if this is something actually done in the show, and maybe it makes the colors look inaccurate, but I think it’s neat to use the same colors elsewhere
Now on to random things about the characters’ designs I just wanted to mention
First off, this isn’t really a character design thing, but these were the pictures I used for references, outside of some concept art I have for full body basic anatomy (getting screenshots from the show is my preferred form of reference), and I gotta say, it took a fair bit longer to find a picture online with a proper look at Optimus’ head than Megatron’s
Like it didn’t take that long, like 1-2 minutes, but I just noticed how a lot of screenshots don’t really focus on his face, unlike Megatron. I assume because in g1, he doesn’t really have much of one, given his mask covers half of it
Also while Megatron’s helm itself is relatively basic looking and doesn’t really have a lot going on, the rest of his face has got a fair amount of details
Like he’s got defined cheek bone lines (I think), but he’s also one of the few (again I think) characters to have the shadow around his eyes that becomes more common later on
Then there’s also that whatever he’s got going on above his eyes. I’d say it’s eyebrows but I don’t think that’s what it’s supposed to be, given these characters don’t really have those yet
I saw someone, aka the person who makes Transformers Until One, granatu888 (idk if I should tag them here or not), turn the thing into a battle mask that drops down onto his face, and frankly I think that’s really cool, and that’s what I now choose to believe it is. Hasbro, make that what it is
Anyways, moving on. I don’t really have a lot to say on Optimus other than his helm being a lot more simplistic in its shapes than I’m used to, as well as very triangular. Like compared to TF One Optimus, who’s got a lot of details going on, his is super simple. I also didn’t make his antenna full triangles going down because I thought it looked weird, now they’re more like TFA Optimus
Also one last thing, but I swear the way I drew him looks just like that how one artist does, the one who draws Sparkplug (sorry, unlike the last mention I don’t actually remember the artist’s name, probably because I don’t follow them. Which tbh I should probably rectify, I like their Sparkplug stuff). Sorry it was just something I noticed afterwards and can’t unsee it. This also applies specifically to the face, they draw the actual rest character much better than me
Anyways, back to Megatron. Random thing, but he’s got a whole control panel on his torso. I’ve known he has it, because he has it in TF One, but why does he have it?
This kind of goes hand in hand, but random other thought I had today that connects, his design in general is a bit off compared to other characters because in g1, he doesn’t transform into a vehicle, he turns into a gun. Like that’s not to say he looks out of place (I mean I still think his helmet looks weird), but like, he doesn’t have a lot of kibble because of it. Like he’s one of the characters with no glass on his body because guns don’t have glass
Also does he have two guns? One on his shoulder, another on his back? I don’t know, I’m only now realizing that. They probably combine together when he transforms. Also I think his fusion cannon is just supposed to be his scope in gun mode, which ironically I’m pretty sure aren’t actually involved with the damage part of shooting. I don’t know, random observation
And uh, I think that’s it. It was mostly just random design details, and honestly not as many as I was expecting. I didn’t really have much to say on the art itself, mostly since it was just me trying to draw the g1 designs
But yeah, it was neat, I think I have a better understanding of their general designs, at least here. Now to actually use them in any way
#don’t know if I will be using these for the original purpose I outlined#but you know it was good practice anyways#transformers#transformers g1#my art#megatron#optimus prime
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mirror universe koschei so incredibly dogcoded. he has in fact been described as theta’s guard dog. he watches theta enter and leave rooms until he leaves eyesight. he is entirely too protective and possessive and always winds up back at his side and would go into a burning building if it meant theta wouldn’t have to(and would tell him he did a good job after, too).
(make no mistake, theta’s also pretty dogcoded and has in turn also been described as koschei’s dog before[puppy, specifically], but in the flavor of an… incredibly pampered hunting+show dog.)
#these are not all unique traits to mirror koschei however. they’re incredibly prevalent. and he doesn’t mind most of them showing.#Ouppy coded mfs#character: mirror theta & koschei#headcanons#or something. idk what to tag these yet. who’s to say.
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so i did a thing.
shoutout to @detectivebambam for making the post its based on and one of the funniest Andreil interactions ive ever seen. also this is me hard launching the fact that i picture the twinyards as afro albino so yes that is andrew. I included a second version with a more biblically accurate andrew as well cause Why Not. anyway i love these two, thank you bam bam !!
#i sincerely very truly hope i dont get bombarded about how i drew Andrew#like idk what to tell you man thats how the twinyards spawned into my brain and i Love Them like this.#it looks rushed cause it was btw i did this in between doing my traditional commissions cause i was starting to go insane#andrew minyard#neil josten#andreil#all for the game#aftg#nora sakavic#aftg fanart#my art#i dont have a tag for my art yet. thats something i should probably do. idk maybe ill never post my art again whos to say
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i wanted to put these four together chatting, cooking, dancing, and trust
#witch hat tag#orufrey#sorry for repost of 3 of these images the 4th is new.#based on kitchen chapter 10 and all the emotions that a COOKING SPINOFF gives me. it looks uh. weird. to me. now#but i understand what i mean. always. i like that art can be a way of capturing that for you (and writing)#secrets and food and the one dance we've danced our whole lives and The mountain apple - your heart - the trust i have for you#“If you're the one saying it then it must be true” no offence but yet again official translation chose something paltry compared to that#What if i would die first before i would poison you but what if your trust in me is killing us#What if you're the one who should be trusted wholeheartedly yet still I'm the one who holds back? Who does not take the apple?#What if this is SO evocative of yet so different to the cantarella scene in utena and cai loses their marbles for real this time#drawing wine drops from the apples makes it look like the snow white apple. i cant take it#a week (or 4 days) of randomly trying to be more intuitive with composition or..idk. this weird sloopy brush is good for that. Sloopy i say
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sorry for making yet another textpost but i came across that post saying they dislike transfem natsume because he "canonically hates being perceived as a girl and tries to erase all sorts of memories related to that" and also went on to shame genderbends of him aswell. So, as someone who not only draws genderbends of natsume but is myself someone who is nonbinary and hates being perceived as a woman, i thought id offer my two cents
first of all; i think its important to note that natsume does NOT hate his childhood. in fact, hes quite happy that he had such an unusual upbringing!
what natsume hates is being perceived as weak. thats why he was raised as a girl after all, it was his mother trying to protect him from evil spirits. he doesnt hate the whole "-chan" or "wearing dresses" thing because he has a hatred for womanhood, its because due to his upbringing hes now come to associate those things as being weak. he begs tsumugi to forget about it because that means tsumugi remembers natsume being weak, and natsume thinks tsumugi still referring to him as "natsume-chan" means he still sees natsume as weak. (iirc natsume did however once say that he is a little sad that he doesnt really know how to relate to young boys due to this in poltergeist, but i couldnt find the exact quote. either way that just adds to the complexity of natsumes relationship with his childhood, because while he is happy to be "abnormal" in that sense, it has left him lacking in some areas)
i have to ask though, should this conflict of his not be something we hope he overcomes? should we not want him to develop a healthy relationship with various gender expressions? should we not want natsume to overcome his belief that feminine things = weakness? i want natsume to reach a point where he can wear feminine clothing and not feel like some damsel in distress because of it. i want natsumes character to grow. i want him to develop a positive relationship with his gender because natsume DOES enjoy some more typically feminine things, like baking! he used to bake with his mom when he was little! and i want him to feel like he can indulge in that side of him without feeling insecure.....
i LOVE transmasc natsume, my primary hc for him is transmasc nonbinary after all, but with all these things considered, shouldnt people be allowed to headcanon him however they want? if they hear his story and negative relationship with femininity and how that resonates with them and they themselves are transfem, should they not be allowed to hc him as such too?
which brings me to my next point; my own personal relationship with gender and femininity. i was raised as a girl and i fucking DESPISED womanhood. i hated everything about it. i hated how i felt forced into a box i didnt want to be stuck in, and i hated how it felt like my whole life had already been planned out for me due to societal expectations, aswell as me needing to present a certain way. i was peak "tomboy" growing up, constantly wearing super baggy clothes and wouldnt even brush my hair alot of the time. but despite that i remained miserable. i frankly hated how i looked and would constantly dye my hair vibrant colors in an attempt to make me like myself a little more. it wasnt until i realized "wow, im actually not a girl at all" that i finally let go of believing i needed to look a certain way (and thus, defying it) and started to dress for myself. i started to dress in clothes that made me happy and feel pretty! alot of which leans feminine, but clothes doesnt have a gender, and how you dress doesnt define your gender either, but it can still be a bit scary yknow? especially since i dont want people to think of me as a girl, and drawing a bunch of femstars has really made me learn to love myself more in a funny way. i can put these characters in clothes i think are beautiful, i can explore the more feminine parts of me that i adore but dont want to express in public due to how i want others to perceive me, but it has also warmed me up to femininity even more. because femstars to me feels detached from the expectations of society because its not a real thing!! there are no canon femstars designs!!! i can do literally whatever the hell i want with it and its been so liberating to me!!
all this to say; i think it really sucks seeing the way this fandom treats transfem hcs and explicit genderbends, because like ive said before; they can truly be something so personal. you dont know why that person is drawing what theyre drawing, so its a little unwise to make assumptions based on ........ Well, whatever it may be. i know very well that women dressing the way society expects them to SUCKS, esp if you have personal ties to it, but you have to realize the issue isnt femininity, but misogyny.
#maybe ill delete this later idk but i just felt like i needed to say something#as i constantly see these things being spoken of yet never do these people actually reach out to femstarries#and ask Hey why are you doing this?#so instead they make bad faith assumptions and it really sucks.#and while im here;#trans hcs count as genderbends. Because you have changed the characters gender#*IF the org chara is a cisman and you make them a trans woman i should add#once again Stop treating trans and cis people as two separate things#if it was a cisbend itd be CALLED CISBEND#and the reason i tag genderbend is because i know some people dont like it#and thats valid!!! no one is forced to like this kind of stuff!!!#and some people who dont like genderbends might be new to enstars and dont know what femstars is#so should it not still be tagged for those people too?#should we not look out for the trans people who dont wish to see their favs be a different gender???#i dont get it. i really dont#this post probably wont even reach the right audience but wtv#nat rambles#nats enst posting
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im just gonna be honest gang obviously its gonna be easy for you to say youre in love with a character and theyre an angel when anytime they do something you don't like you brush it off as out of character
#bad writing is still canon unfortunately#the place where i absolutely draw the line is gallavich being verse don't fucking piss me off @shameless writers#unfortunately your fav characters did do and say those bad things..... and to ignore that is too fundamentally misunderstand their character#how can you love a person when you choose to be blind to who they are </3#this isn't directed toward anybody y'all are just being very dramatic lately and really i think we should remember that tv shows aren't real#i can recognize when someone is caused by bad writing but i still have to accept that it's a real thing that happened#like. do i find shameless entertaining? YES! is it well written? FUCK NO#it's actually fundamentally a bad show in many ways. but that's WHY i enjoy discussing it#it's why my hyperfixation hasn't died down. because theres just SO MUCH to pick apart and interpret and discuss!#it's actually so bad at times i blocked it out of my memory!#but if i believe something isn't canon or *shouldn't be canon* (HUGE difference between those 2 things)#then i should explain why i think that. and i also need to accept that others disagree#but if you say everything you don't like is just ooc bad writing and therefore not real to canon then#....lol what are you even doing here#like. we should be rallying against the writers for being actively racist homophobic transphobic fatphobic ableist etc#yet we're sitting here with our thumbs up our asses fighting about which character fanclub is the most oppressed#WHO CARESSSSS JOHN WELLS DOESN'T CARE ABOUT US IT TRULY ISN'T WORTH WASTING YOUR BREATH OVER#i just want to read about 2 toxic kinky boys kissing idk#let me say this tho! hardcore fiona stans you gotta be the most out of touch people on planet earth!#okay goodnight everypony#wall of text in the tags#a.txt
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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talking to new people again is making me realize that (this is gonna sound dramatic) i haven't lived in five years but what i have done is watch a lot of movies and read a bunch of books and believe it or not that actually makes me an interesting conversationalist in some ways (?)
#and like i say: brf slt#they don't know i'm crazy and as long as you're normal about it having seen a lot of movies just makes you come off as someone who's like#interested in culture i guess. which i am. but it's fun#and the books thing too and also knowing a lot about sociology#i have things to say jokes to make so in two months they haven't even realized i haven't lived a life yet🙏#i didn't even do it on purpose the way it happened is in 2019 i was very depressed suicidal etc then i got better but i was focused on#like...idk. basically getting used to being okay with being alive again? then it was 2020 and we didn't have classes in person full time#until september 2021. that's how it was for university students here. i did hang out with people but no one i LOVED or actually became#close with and it's true that i could have tried harder but i didn't because guys i love being by myself😭😭😭#then three years went by and now we're here. it's fine it's just that i don't have a lot of anecdotes that aren't old because LITERALLY#nothing has happened to me. nothing#that's not true i did talk about something semi-recent to my bff on friday it was about my 'friends' who hated on everyone the same way i#did when i was literally 12 and about how anxiety inducing it was because after a while i was like is this how they talk about me when i'm#not around🤨 i actually talked about that then. january or february 2023#this has been in my drafts for a week and i talked about the post i talk about in that last tag last week when i talked about my mutual who#blocked me that's the post she replied to to give me advice😔#also it's funny i said they don't know i'm crazy and a guy asked me what my favorite tv shows were and i don't know why i actually gave him#my full list like it's funny because like i said they think i like like good movies and good television and interesting books and stuff#and i know the shows i told him made him reassess that (which is fine but it's just funny) and also i told him i'm watching gilmore girls#for the 18th time and he was like you're joking i was like hm...and then he was like no you're being serious because it's way too#precise...and THAT i could have not told him. i was like whyyy did i tell him that...but it's fine#HE HADN'T EVEN HEARD OF SUCCESSION? 34-year-olds...#i mentioned the sopranos a couple weeks ago and my future bff was like what is that and i was like ? then i asked two more people and they#didn't know the show either so i was like i'll ask him (34-year-old) i know he'll know the sopranos and he was like OBVIOUSLY i know#the sopranos it's supposed to be one of the best shows of all time and later i asked if he had seen succession and he'd never even heard of#it? crazy. i mean if it had been anyone else i wouldn't have thought it was crazy but i expected HIM to know succession
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drawing other people's dnd characters based on the image i made of them in my head and NOTHING ELSE because i'm evil
#my art#dnd oc#friend oc#bell#must stress again that this is entirely headcanon i doubt this is what he actually looks like LMAO#he keeps that mask on at all times so we have not seen his face and probably wont for a while#but my brain was like oh he's returned (undead) so like#what if he was a silly zombie lookin fucker who SLAYED. HARD#(i love how he turned out but i also. dont want to post it in the discord because i KNOW im so wrong about how he looks)#(and i didnt feel like asking ethan about it bc idk if he could really say yet)#(plus i really hate sending art to people specifically to ask for opinions ESPECIALLY of their own characters i get so scared)#(which is why i usually just draw my own characters lmao but i love my friends' characters so i wanted to try)#also something about it feels a bit unfinished? i didnt put a ton of effort into it since i really just made it for fun for me#i think his expression is just a bit flat but i didnt want to make it too exaggerated really so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#also also sorry for long tags but this is slowly becoming an art blog isnt it LMAO#hope yall are cool with that i like having somewhere to post everything
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bro is inquisitive
#thinking of the possibilities of how it could be worse it's funny how you start to get addicted to thinking like a danmei writer#you are like anddd what if this person was (insert a guy who coughed once in chapter 15) anyways#i managed to not get many spoilers bc i hate it but i have always suspected that shi mei had a thing for cwn firstly bc i once saw a ship#tag and was like ?? well that is not uncommon as people ship shrek with chanyeol (im people) but secondly after that scene where mo ran#pinky interrogated him i was sooo 100% sure of it. but then there was nothing much so i let it go. the one mini spoiler i saw was#the enemy on pinterest who replied to a pic of a character saying it was shi mei/other name (didn't look at it) so it was why i knew#he was classically someone else. but even without that his ass was raising suspicion just for the way how blank he was#and i knew it was intentional so i kept thinking who he could be and my guess was xu shuanglin (rest in pieces poor guy)#bc i thought that both of them had the same spiritual essence or something. also the guy in the motel at the beginning who also had water#essense could only be either of them. but this is not the point bc then i was thinking that shi mei was simultaneously mo nian#bc why would he have the reason to be annoyed with mo ran to that extent. and also bc i knew there was a fire and hua binance has face burn#but mo ran chopped his head off bless his souls and good for him so how else can that be worse#he could also be that child of nangong yan who had his mother die bc of mo ran and mom he would also have a reason to try and compare#himself to mo ran in every way and hate him but why would he need to store nangong blood for mount jiao is he is nangong himself#but that would be great for disgusting points bc he would be mo ran's half brother doing all that ??#im just taking a break from throwing up bc of his ass trying to assault cwn every chance he gets and idk anything yet#so it would be interesting to keep guessing his motives as i do not get it yet but also (procceed to throw up)#also his interactions with corpse taxian ?? god tier. taxian is in the middle of diss battle drops his mic after every sentence#the crowd (me) cheers. moving on but i really enjoy insane plot twists i wish i remembered well what i was thinking while reading tgcf#the widely known thing is that i didn't even consider that fu yao and nan feng were fengqing it's my favorite thing bc i wholeheartedly#believed the little guys just loved their generals way too much#00
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instagram algorithm serving me so many reels lately of people reading sjm books and then complaining about the characters like "when you're trying to finish acosf but nesta keeps getting in the way" or "acotar5 is coming next 😁 but it's going to be about elain 😔" (side note NOT EVEN CONFIRMED!) why are you even reading the books if you hate the characters so much. do you guys know you don't have to read them?
#i'm gonna just be a hater in the tags here sorry if you like these theories but they're stupid#oh my god i saw the stupidest one last night that started with 'cc3 spoilers'#first off the book isn't even out yet so why are you framing this as if it's confirmed info or something#anyways#then it said 'bryce and the inner circle losing the war... until the real OGs show up' and then it rattled off tog character names#like... you really think that cc3 is going to feature an entire war being fought in the acotar universe? and the acotar books will just what#skip over that whole war? and war in one universe being told in the books of another universe?#be so serious right now#and my friend told me that she saw a theory that the female on the cover of cc3 is aelin and it means that aelin will be in the book#and i was too stunned to speak when she told me that but i was like WHY#WHY would the main character from a DIFFERENT SERIES be on the cover of CRESCENT CITY#i'm not saying that aelin can't or won't make an appearance in cc3#i think if she does it will be very brief!#with where i am in hosab now i think the female on the cover is ariadne but idk#oh or it could be hypaxia since she's a necromancer? i'm JUST getting to that part so i don't really know yet#yaz thinks it's danika which i think makes the most sense#i also think bryce's time in prythian will be brief maybe like 200 pages but who am i to say#anyways why are people bothering to read crescent city at all if they obviously only want to be reading acotar#no one is forcing you guys to read this series!#you people would not survive a single jane austen novel
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sometimes i feel jealous of cisgender people but then. i dont it’s whatever man. no wait i am. i am very jealous of cisgender people in a fucked up way. what
#i feel like jealous of them because they get to live their life at least feeling right about one thing#they can be perfectly content with their bits and their birth self. and i am so jealous that i probably wont feel that way ever#im like weirdly so envious of people who have such a usually uncomplicated and easy view of gender#this is a totally different thing but im so jealous of people who have almost over involved and cool parents#i’ll see people who like. their parents have an instagram account..and they’ll like…tag each other#and put stupid mother-daughter stuff on their story or idk. be so chill and aware of their kid’s lives#my mom is definitely involved in my life and she does love me but she just like. idk.#there’s probably a lot that goes on those behind closed doors but they’re so like supportive of their Out kids and they like post about it#so something must be going right.#i wish i could just be out to my mom and proudly say hey im your lesbian son now but i can’t because ill be killing her beloved daughter#all i am to her is her Daughter who’s like a best friend to her. and i would feel really bad if i ever kill that idea#in my mind knowing im trans i already know that that girl is dead but its like i haven’t broken the news to the family#they’re so blissfully unaware their daughter is dead and that their son killed her#i dont want to live with that guilt so i’ll have to dispose of the evidence of her body and run far away as a new man#yea theyd accept me if i came out as a lesbian. its like having a daughter but not having to worry about grandchildren#but not if i was physically something else. they wouldn’t kick me out they wouldn’t be outwardly mad.#but they’d always be disappointed that shes gone. they’d always grieve her. they’d always insist she was still here#so thats why like. i can’t. im gonna have to turn eighteen move far away transition to the man i am and never return#let them believe their beloved daughter is missing rather than dead#and these kids. this one specific person actually. can just. be out and be happy and have their parents accept and love them unconditionall#or some never have to come out because they were born right and their parents will love them still and they don’t have to be as#as in danger about their rights right now because of the government#or feeling so Wrong their entire lives or even when they figure out what’s wrong that they cant fix it yet#or having to choose between being repressed and miserable about their real self forever or running away or having to live with eternal guil#while being themself and trying to be happy#they get to feel right about their identity and can comfortably fit in with groups#some cis people anyways#for others theres a lot of other external factors not about gender that makes some people so. kinda like this#like im completely sure there’s plenty people of color who feel this frustration with white people or disabled people about abled people#the frustration that people who were like born or raised or live certain way that they get to have all of these things
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When you deleted your reddit acount because the Soul Eater reddit doesnt like your posts
Nah but for real, say what you want about tumblr, but reddit is so much more anoying - but maybe thats most social media, tried uploading videos on tiktok only to get copyright stuck the same second or just have them deleted for vague comunity guidelines shit, maybe I was too hard on youtube.
I know crying about reddit is pathetic but I dunno, just let me vent lol, idunno gotta get my shit together, too many distractions and other bullshit.
#soul eater reddit#but yeah i dunno I have thin skin so it got annoying when low effort jokes got upvoted while my love effort joke seemed to offend people lo#but in general I saw interesting questions with nobody writting anything to answer#like I get most people dont care and just want to see fanart or whatever but with the death of forums its kinda sad#like it is a kinda “Old” anime so you would assume the fans would be older and have something to say#but tbh I was allways anti reddit so jokes on me for trying to give them a chance and fit in when I just dont vibe with their “style”#like tbh I dont allways with tumblr#but atleast this website is usefull on its own like a blog and all while reddit is just shitting your shit into other peoples faces#and atleast here there are some interesting people with oppinions and shit#I probably should just have written it in the post and not tags lol idk#and I know its my own fault for procrastinating from work and the projects im actually supposed to do#but tbh the lips of the tatoos could be ragnarok lips and the haha's could be laughs of madness so its even more fitting-#but I guess Im the only one who found this joker funny ironically lol i dunno#is there some fancy word for bad impulse control yet or is that just called being a manchild baby?#so yeah i dunno what Im even trying to say anymore just a strange week or something i dont even know#also the iceberg videos didnt get many upvotes anymore so I doubt I lose much visibility but lets see with the next video#which sadly isnt coming soon#maybe now I will actually do the thing I promised myself#I dunno just imagine this is some private theraphy positve reafirmation journal#i'll try to not log in again for a few days or something maybe I should que the post for the screencaps acount for a month and not just wee#idk#yeah...sorry#also fuck reddit#and social media#and tiktok
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⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;
#this is a fucking vent so just gnore the venty ass tags but i have nowhere else to place this that feels safe other than just.#shouting into a void where no one hears. aka here ig.#bc its better i shout into a void alone than drag others down with me somehow—i dont. know#regardless… i’m just… i dont know what to think.#things are really bad lately & i’m struggling again to stop myself from sh utting down every time i try being vulnerable & opening up.#i keep clamming up & letting my mind take the reins when it tells me to just erase anything i say. to not open up.#to swallow every single emotion & experience that’s hurting me & let that poison kill me slowly instead. deal with it alone#because it feels like its wrong to open up. like its wrong to say anything. like me being open is just.#me being a fucking burden or something. i don’t know. i shouldn’t be like this. i’m supposed to be fucking better than t his.#what the fuck happened to the version of myself that could just keep suppressing & suppressing & not being a goddamn thorn in ppl’s sides.#esp bc all the things i’m having a difficult / painful time with is all fucking trigger heavy shit or things that i just don’t.#fucking know what to do with anymore because its not shit within my control.#a lot of it’s shit im still just processing that has hurt a lot & havingg to cope w that grief alone.#but then there’s also other circumtances too that are hard to navigate & my BPD having a field day w me in recent history too#i don’t know what the fuck is wrong w me at this point. & im scared & i can’t stand being fucking alone in this shit yet.#i feel like i have to. i have to. i have to. beccause this is my own issue & to dare express anything is me just. using ppl isn’t it.#that’s all it is right. & besides how many times has it been proven that ppl get sick of me for not being okay.#how many times have ppl walked away because they realize im just some fucking deadweight emotionally or something. id on’t fucking know.#am i spiraling? who fucking knows! maybe! because im fucking tired of what my life has been in general & im. overwhelmed.#overwhelmed by existence itself i fucking guess & what its meant for me overwhelmed by expectations overwhelmed by vulnerability thats just.#bleeding out through the fucking cracks of this fucking mess of a person i am.#& constantly fucking afraid that im just. too much. too much. too much for anyone.#too emotional in fucking general too intense too overwhelming for others regardless if its overwhelming them via pos or neg emotions.#afraid im going to get discarded afraid of what’s to come afraid in fucking general. fear & grief & pain & rage & hatred &.#desperation to feel anything other than this & desperation to feel loved thats got me having rly foul compulsions too#all my emotions feel like some kind of fuckihng hairtrigger & its hard to stop it in fucking general. i dont fucking know. & like i said it.#feels like shit to deal with completely alone. not bc i wanna deal with alone but bc i /have/ to bc if i dont then im just. a problem. or.#i dont know. im tired of everything tired of my emotions tired of this life tired of all that ive had to face up til this point & tired of.#fear & idk how to handle things alone anymore. my friends deserve better than this emotional burden i am to be around ig.#it feels so much like i have to apologize to those i befriend for being. well. this. for all of me & for being ‘too much’ in general.
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