#or leaving a lasting impression/creepiness on me if that makes sense

[galindaelphaba]

THIRTEEN HORROR FILMS THAT SCARED TF OUT OF ME

tag rules: select 13 horror films that at one point in time terrified the hell out of you (gifs optional)

i was tagged by @pascow @ethan-hawke @clubglee and @dushku (thank you guys for the tag)

tagging (if you have already done it or simply don't wanna do it feel free to ignore): @kitherondale @ncutisgatwas @shockygobsmocky @davinaclaires @elena-gilbert

@after-glow @patrick-stewart @queencalanthes @userboo @firstapo

@narliee @magnusedom @lisa-swallows @thesoldiersminute @miwtual

[justmeinadaze]

Head Filled With Demons (Steddie X You)

A/N: Ok, a few things here. First I played fast and loose with demon mythology as well as a lot of the themes from the episode of Black Mirror this is based on. There are no spoilers for that episode so don't worry. I guess you could say this is an AU Steddie as in this world they are relatively well known demons in their mythology. I pulled some stuff from the show but...you'll see. No spoilers for either show here lol

I hope this is coherent and makes sense lol I had fun with it and I still have more chapters to go :) .

Warnings: Demon Steddie X Human fem reader; SMUT and ANGST with a dash of fluff. The smut has sprinkles of Dom Steddie (spanking, scolding, dirty talk), Mentions of a sick parent and death of another parent, small scene detailing domestic abuse (may be triggering), Steddie gives the reader visions so she sees bad things people in Hawkins do including the end of the world, there is a murder (very brief; blood is mentioned), y/n and Steddie mention a lot of themes regarding feeling stuck and unhappy.

Word Count: 6842

“HELLO!?”

You jump as the customer in front of you slams her items on the counter. 

“I’ve been waiting here for five minutes for service! Are you going to ring me up or not?!”

“Yes, ma’am. I apologize.”

“Don’t apologize. Just do your fucking job.”, she grumbles as you begin scanning the things in front of you. 

This will be the thousandth time TODAY you got caught daydreaming about being anywhere else but this stupid department store in the Hawkins mall. After graduating high school, you thought your options would be endless but once your father got sick, you knew you had to stay home to take care of him. You thought about applying to colleges nearby but everything was too expensive especially with the added medical and regular bills around the house, you needed to find employment fast. 

After the mall was built, you knew there would be a plethora of available positions and found one with a good hourly wage. The problem was it was incredibly boring. Some days you felt like running out of the store and just flipping over the railing to the second floor. At least you might finally feel something. Add in customers like this one and it was a good mix of pain and annoyance to drive you through to the end of your shift. 

“Are you done or what?!”

“Yes ma’am. Here’s your receipt and, please, have a great rest of your day.”, you say with the biggest fake smile you can muster. 

“You need an attitude check, missy.” She spat before turning and walking out the store. 

“Wow, you sure leave an impression.” Carol comes up behind you and leans against the counter, popping her gum obnoxiously. “Mr. Cline wants you to take those boxes to the basement.”

You glance where she’s pointing at the three boxes stalked against the wall that are taller than you both. 

“My last break is coming up. Why can’t you do it?”

“Because he didn’t ask me to. He asked for you.”, she sneered. “Is there a problem?”

“No,”, you grinned in a thin line. “No problem.”

***

You huffed as you threw the boxes on to the ground, not even pretending to care if there was anything delicate within them. Leaning against the wall to catch your breath, you look around the illuminated but still extremely creepy basement. 

Most of the stores in the mall kept a lot of their miscellaneous stock down here, segregated to different areas. Your department store usually kept overstocked clothing items like shoes and jackets until the ones upstairs were sold out or someone asked for something specific that was no longer kept on the shelf. The area was right next to the security guard’s desk but today he didn’t seem to be there. 

You walked over to it, glancing at the papers strewn all over the place. 

“Boo!”

“Jesus Christ, Paul!”, you exhale as you grip your chest. “Scared the crap out of me.”

“Good.”, he chuckles. “See anything interesting?” He laughs harder when you shake your head. “I’m actually glad I saw you. I found something on the floor here the other day I thought you’d think was cool.”

Paul digs into his desk drawer and produces a necklace with a gem tied to the end. 

“Beautiful, huh? The stone looks kind of like a guitar pick, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, it does. Where did you find it?”

“Like I said, it was on the floor kind of near your stores cage. I’ve never seen you guys sell anything like that and I know you’re into that gems/crystal mumbo jumbo so… I thought I’d give it to you to take a look. At most, maybe, you could ask Richard if they got some new things in.”

“Uh, yeah, ok. Thank you, Paul. I’ll see you later, yeah?”

“Of course, hon. Tell your dad I said hello!”

You couldn’t stop staring at the little stone connected to the chain as you rode the elevator back up to the main part of the mall. It did look like a guitar pick which wasn’t an abnormal design in the 80s since almost every single metalhead you passed had something like it but this one was different. Usually those necklaces were cheap, the stone on this looked expensive and old. The gorgeous red color shimmered against the light and pierced your eyes in a way that had a small moan leave your lips at its beauty. There were symbols on either side you couldn’t quiet make out. 

It was so odd. As your fingers ran over the material, you got this feeling in your chest, like this thing in your hands was meant for you…

The elevator dinged, startling you back into reality as you quickly hid the item in your pocket and headed back to the store to finish your shift.

##############

“Hey, Y/N.”

“Hey, dad. What are you doing moving around? You should be in bed.”

You father walked over to give you a hug as you greeted him in the kitchen. 

“I know but I just wanted to wait for you. See how your day was.”

Sighing, you reach into the fridge to grab a snack before turning towards him so he could see your playful frustrated face. “Oh, you know. The regular; angry housewives and bitchy coworkers.”

He chuckles as he takes a seat at the dining table. 

“Y/N, you know you don’t have to work so hard, right?”

“I know, dad. I just want to make sure you’re taken care of.”

“Sweetheart, I’m fine. I can handle…” His cough cuts him off and you quickly run to the cabinet to hand him his medicine. “Thank you.”

“No problem.”, you smile as you lean over to hug him again. “I’m fine. Trust me. I’m going to go munch on this junk and then crash.”

As you head towards your room, you hear his shaky exhale before taking another puff of his inhaler.

***

Sitting at your desk, you examine the necklace Paul gave you further and make notes on what you see. Tomorrow, you had the day off so when you went to the library you wanted to be able to have all the information you could. 

-silver chain

-Red Jasper stone 

            -support for stress

            -brings tranquility and wholeness (balance)

One side has a baseball style bat with thorns… Nails? 

            -Maybe meant for protection

Other side is a guitar from a long time ago. 

This is definitely beautiful. I wonder where it came fr—

“Ow! Shit.”, you wince as you place your thumb in your mouth. While looking at the gem, the bottom sliced through your skin causing you to bleed on your notes and the stone. “Shit, shit, shit.”

You run to the bathroom to grab a tissue, wrapping it around your finger before wiping it along the piece of jewelry. The feeling of wind on your back caused you to hastily turn around. It felt like someone had tried to touch your hair making a shiver run down your spine. 

Shaking away the jitters, you turned around, prepared to clean the blood off the paper when you noticed it was already gone and replaced with red, inked words. 

“I could have sworn…”

“Hello, sweetheart.”

“Did I write that? I don’t think—” You’re not sure what made you do it. Maybe it’s because you were so exhausted or just seeing the word sweetheart triggered a warm, safe feeling in your belly. You scooted your pen below the sentence and responded with a nice, little… 

“Hi.”

“How are you tonight, pretty girl?”

“Jesus Christ!” Your chair falls to the floor as you stand and back up towards your bed. Your hand covers your mouth as you watch more words appear on the paper. 

“Y/N!? Are you ok?!”

“Um…yeah! Yeah, dad, I’m fine. Just… tripped.”

Slowing inching your way forward, you read the notes in front of you.

“Nice going, Ed.”

“Shit. It’s not my fault! I would be scared to if words magically appeared in front of me.”

“Oh my god. It’s finally happened. I’ve lost my mind. I’m going crazy.”

“You are NOT going crazy. I promise you, babe. What’s your name?”

“A sentient paper is asking me my name. Uh okay… I’m Y/N.”

“Aw, I like that. It’s pretty like you.”

“Y-y-you can see me? Right now?”

“Yes.”

You yelped when you felt a breeze again move past your arms.

“Wh-what’s your name?”

“Make you a deal. You give us permission to enter your realm and we’ll tell you our names.”

“Us?”

“Two sides, honey. Two sets of markings on the stone. Two…people.”

You could swear you hear chuckling in the air. 

“Don’t mean to rush you, princess, but we kind of need you to make a choice. Yes or no?”

“I, uh, I don’t—”

“Come on, Y/N. Just say yes. It’s fine. Yes, yes, yes…”

Suddenly, the word “yes” begins to crowd the page repeatedly until it spills over on to your desk. Your breathing picks up as your heartrate increases. Is this really happening? Is this in my head? What’s the downside to this?

“YES!”

Everything in the room stills as the words in front of you disappear. Two words begin to slide across the paper as you lean forward to read them. 

“Good girl.”

The light above you snaps off and you hear the sound of heavy breathing coming from your bed. Your eyes widen as you fall to the floor at the sight of two horned, demon looking figures sitting on your mattress. You cower in the corner covering your eyes as you begin muttering to yourself. 

“This isn’t real. This isn’t real. This isn’t—”

“Oh, uh, I forgot humans don’t have people like us running around. Um, sweetheart, what form would make you more comfortable?”

When you don’t answer, they sigh as the bed squeaks when they stand. One creature shuffles beside you towards your door where your poster of Tom Cruise in Risky Business hangs. The other moves towards your picture frame on your dresser of you during your meet and greet with Motley Crue. 

The sound of two sets of snapped fingers fill the room with a glowing red light and when you dare to sneak a peek from under your arm, you no longer see monster legs but a set of sneakers. A strong but soft hand touches your skin and your head shoots up as you push yourself as far back as you can. 

“How’s this? Better?”

The demon in front of you had formed into an everyday man you may see come into your store every now and then. His brown hair fluffed up perfectly and you pushed down the notion to run your fingers through it. Instead of his original rough looking skin, he now donned a soft but muscular form hidden under your typical style polo and jeans. His beautiful brown eyes scanned you over with concern as he kneeled in front of you.

Your eyes flicked to the other one across the room who was now checking himself out in your full-length mirror. His attire was much more torn and rattier than the other ones. His jeans had holes in many different places and the Dio vest was fringing near the bottom. The leather jacket and boots made your tummy flutter. He looked like the kind of man you would have dated back in high school. His long, wavy hair moved quickly as he turned around to face you both, digging into his jacket pocket and producing a cigarette.

“Um, please don’t…my dad…”

He pauses as both boys exchange a look. 

“Don’t worry. He can’t see me or inhale anything I smoke.” They watch as you slowly rise to your feet. “Oh shit. Manners. We made you deal. I’m Eddie. This is Steve.” He wiggles his fingers in a waving motion.

“Why is this happening now? Please. I can’t go crazy yet. My dad still needs me. I—”

“Again, not going crazy.  See, you found our thing here.”, Steve gestures towards the necklace. “You called for us so here we are.”

“No, no, no. I accidently…I didn’t mean…I…”

“Look, we don’t make the rules. We just follow them. Blood. Stone. Permission. Demons. It’s not that complicated.”

Steve rolls his eyes at his friend’s crassness. 

“D-D-Demons?”

“Yeah. It’s not that big a deal really.” Eddie draws a sharp intake of breath he turns towards to you. “I mean not entirely a big deal. Um, you just have to kill a few people or else the world will end but hey! Demons.”

Your eyes turn into saucers as you stumble to the bed. “I-I-I what now?”

“Three people to be exact.”

“Eddie, stop it. You’re scaring her. Y/N, honey…”, Steve kneels in front of you and places his hands on your thighs. Jesus, his palms are huge. “You do have to kill some people I’m afraid but you will be saving so many lives.” 

“Holy hell.”, Eddie sighs in frustration, snapping his fingers. 

The room around you is suddenly burning as sirens wale in the distance. Running to the window, you looked outside to see all of Hawkins in flames. You sunk to your knees as you covered your ears to muffle the screams of people outside. As quickly as it appeared, the images vanished and you were back in your regular room with two demons staring down at you. 

“I know. It’s not pretty, is it?”

Your world went black as your eyes closed and your head hit the floor.

##########

When you shot up the next day, you clutched your chest as you quickly looked around finding only yourself. 

“It was just a dream. Oh my god.”, you exhaled as you laid back down, laughing under your breath. 

After a quick change of clothes, you grabbed your notes and the necklace to head to the library. You peaked into your dad’s room to make sure he was still ok, leaving him a note on the table to tell him where you were. As you entered the library, you immediately did some quick research that led you to a mythology section of the building. You couldn’t help but chuckle at the placement. Hawkins could be so backward with a lot of things. When you started doing more digging on stones and auras when your mom got sick, this was the same section you found yourself in. This town’s definition of myth was extremely broad. 

You found the book you were looking for and slide down to the carpet to lean against the wall. You flipped through, stopping when you found the symbols that matched the ones on the gem. The baseball bat did have nails and represented the demon that referred to himself as Steve. 

“Steven is a known demon of protection, protecting any soul that calls for him by any means necessary. He is known as one of the more violent demons killing many beings and monsters with his signature sword. In later millennia, it is believed that he was cast out of his realm for killing one of his own kind to protect another relatively violent demon, Edward.”

“Edward is one of many demons known for music. Throughout history it was reported that Edward played for souls who were suffering. His music lulled many unsuspecting creatures towards their demise, however. It’s also been noted that not only did he use this tactic for war but for lust. He was accused of killing the King’s daughter and was hunted across the realm. Steven found him first and they both went on the run. The King banished them both, casting out Edward as well.”

“They walked from realm to realm before finding a talisman that wasn’t what it appeared to be. The gem belonged to another being who forced them into a life of servitude, trapping them within its material unless set free by a soul who summons them. Any soul that calls for them must kill three individuals or bring about the end of the soul’s world.”

“See? We weren’t lying.”

“Jesus!”, you jumped out of your skin at the sound of Eddie’s voice. 

Both men were now sitting on either side of you, arms circled around their knees. 

“It’s not a bad gig. I mean at least we still get to move about and watch people die. I wish we had more of a hand in it but…”, he shrugs.

You bring up the book you’re holding just enough to hide your face as you turn slightly toward him. 

“You’re real?”

“Yes, we are.”

“And this…this is accurate? The world will end?”

“That is correct.”, Steve responds.

“You have the wrong person for this. I-I can’t kill people.”

“Uh, technically, we didn’t choose you. You chose us. And WE can’t kill people. You can.”

“What? I—”

“Actually, we can kill people but only if they are hurting you.”

After getting up from the floor, you place the book back before powerwalking out the door. 

You let out a small squeak when they appear in front of you. “Can you stop doing that?”

“Can you stop running so we can clear the air?”

Bypassing your usual route home, you cut through a forest area so no one would see you talking out loud at what would appear to be yourself. 

“Clear the air. Ok, let’s clear the air. How do I know I can trust you? How do I know what you showed me was real?”

“Besides the fact that we LITERALLY showed you the future?”

“How do I know it’s not a trick? Like…killing three people would kick start the apocalypse instead of stopping it…”

“Well, we’re trapped in this realm to so…an end of this world would be the end of us.”, Steve sighs. 

“You’re trapped here?”

“Actually, it’s either here or a blank realm we fancily titled Oblivion.”, Eddie chuckles. 

“Oblivion?”

“Yup. Just a whole lot of nothingness except me and Ed here.”, he grins as he pats him on the back.

“I still don’t understand exactly why you’re stuck here. Why can’t you go back home?”

“Did you read the book or not?”

You scowl at him as you cross your arms. “Did you kill the king’s daughter?”

Eddie’s eyes narrowed as his sarcastic smile fell. “No, I didn’t.”

“Then why did you run?”

“That’s none of your fucking business.”

“That book said you lured people in not just to kill them but to fuck them. Is that why? Was she like a conquest or something? Is that what I am—”

His hand suddenly wrapped around your throat as he roughly pushed you back into a tree. 

“You don’t know anything, little one, so shut your fucking mouth. Do I make myself clear?”

Your eyes widen as you nod and he tosses you to the side.

Steve kneels on his heels as you cough on the ground trying to catch your breath. 

“You’re not a ‘conquest’, Y/N. Trust me, we prefer doing shit like this ourselves. It just…is what it is.” 

When he reaches out to take your hand, you swat it away, rising to your feet and continuing your walk back home. You hear them murmuring behind you the entire way.

***

“Hey my angel. How was your day?”, your dad grins as you step into his room. 

“It was good. I went to the library so…nothing too exciting.” He laughs along with you pausing to cough and gather more air. “I’m going to make dinner now, ok?”

You smile when he nods, gradually leaving the room completely ignoring both demons who are silently waiting for you. As you turn on the faucet to wash your hands, you feel warmth by your side and the sound of snapped fingers before the room around you turns completely dark. You’re no longer in the kitchen but a bedroom from a house when you were much younger. A voice you hadn’t heard in so long echoes through the hallway and you turn to see your mother grinning as she enters.

“Sweetheart, let her sleep.”

“She is sleeping, honey.”, your dad smiles tenderly as he cradles baby you in his arms. “I just can’t believe she’s finally here; you know? She’s going to have the best life. I don’t care what I have to do.”

“Ok, tiger. Calm down.” Your mother pats his back as he carefully lays you back down in your crib. “I understand what you mean though. She deserves the world.”

As she reaches down to caress your cheek, you hear another snap and your current reality comes back into view. You turn to Eddie as a tear falls from your eye. 

“I’m sorry…for…snapping at you.”, he struggles as he tries to apologize. “I thought MAYBE this could be my way of making it up to you.”

“You can see the past and the future?”

His tongue presses into the inside of his cheek as he nods. 

“May I have a moment alone please?”

With that they were gone and you allowed yourself to cry as you began making your dad’s meal. 

#############

After checking in on everything, you grabbed your jacket and headed out the door. 

“Where are you going?” You rolled your eyes at Steve’s question. “It’s not safe to walk around at night, ya know.”

“Well thankfully I have two demons looking out for me.”, you respond sarcastically. 

They follow you as you walk around the town, trying to ignore them as they continue to verbally push you. 

“Hawkins is just rife with people who need to leave this plane of existence. I mean that one there…”, Steve snaps his fingers and images fill your mind. “…he steals from his grandmother to buy drugs for himself.”

“This one…”, Eddie snaps. “She bullied a girl so hard she ended up having a break down and was hospitalized for a year.”

“STOP! Stop it.”, you seethe. “It hurts.”

“It hurts you? Imagine how their victims feel!”

“You don’t think you can kill people. Fine. Why not kill people who are causing harm?”

You sprint till you end up in the woods near your house, skidding to a stop when they appear in front of you again. 

“I can’t ok!?”

“Look, we understand—”

“No, you don’t! You don’t understand! I’m a good person. I—”

“Miss? Are you okay?” Abruptly turning you find a man, standing a few feet from you with worried eyes. “Do you need help?”

“N-n-no. I’m alright.”

“What about him?”, Eddie gestures. “He’s definitely not a good guy.”

“No!”, you whisper.

“No? Are you sure, miss? My home isn’t too far. I can call a doctor or something.”

Fingers snap and images cloud your brain again. 

“He hurts his wife any chance he gets.”, Steve’s voice fills your ears. “Last week she came home from work two minutes too late according to him and he beat her within an inch of her life.”

Something heavy filled your palm as Eddie continued on your other side. “Didn’t even take her to the hospital. She laid there crying for hours till she was finally able to crawl off the floor onto the couch. The next day he took care of her, apologizing.”

“Why do you make me act this way, honey? You know how bad my temper can be.”

“I…I know. I’m sorry. I’ll do better.”

“I know, baby.”

Anger filled your heart as you swung your arm, trying to get him away from her. The visions left your eyes and as you looked down you saw the man now bleeding on the ground. Your hand holding the now red stained rock shook as you dropped it and ran.

***

As soon as you got back home, you headed straight to your bedroom, slamming the door behind you as you began to pace. 

“Way to go, pretty girl!”, Eddie clapped from his sudden spot on your bed. 

“One down, two to go.”, Steve followed. 

You continued to move as they spoke, not hearing a word they said. 

“Hey, hey. Come on now. You did amazing.” The metalhead looking boy reached to touch your hand but as soon as his fingers made contact with your skin, your hand flew out to smack him across the face.

“This is your fault. I didn’t want to do this! I just hurt someone.”

Eddie growled as he rose to his feet and slowly began stepping forward. “No. You didn’t hurt someone. You killed someone. Let’s get that distinction right. Congratulations, sweetheart, you’re one of us.” His chest bumped into yours knocking you back towards the wall, his hand pressing up against it near your head as he glared down at you. 

“The only difference is we’ve killed way more people than you can even imagine in so many different ways. In our realm people were afraid of us. Remember that the next time you think about hitting me.” His face leans in so close that his breath hits your lips making you shiver. “I can hurt you and not even think twice.”

Your sudden giggle surprises him as he leans back to look at your face. 

“No, no. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh but… you can’t hurt me. He won’t let you.”, you gesture towards Steve who sighs as he folds his arms. “He said he’s supposed to protect me from ANYONE who tries to hurt me, even you.” You tilted your head to the side as you continued. “And people from your realm must not have been that frightened by you if the banished you. Hell, you didn’t even fight back! You ran!”

“I like her.”, Steve smirks as the other man’s own eyes scan you from head to toe. “She kind of reminds me of—”

Eddie raises his palm to silence his friend. “Hit me again.”

“What? You just said…”

“I know what I said. Listen to what I’m saying now. Hit. Me. Again.”

“No.”

“Oh, come on, little one. I know you want to. Just like I know you want to fuck me. Well us.”

You laugh at him again but this time it comes out more shaky than earnest. “Pfft, someone has a big ego.”

“That’s not all we have that’s big.”

Pushing him away, you start to head for the door but it’s still being blocked by Steve. 

“We are yours for the next 3 weeks. Unless you kill two other people pretty quickly…which, let’s face it, probably won’t happen.” He kicks off the wood with his foot stepping forward as you slowly back away from him. “How long has it been, honey, since anyone has made YOU feel good?”

Abruptly, you run into something hard thinking it’s the adjacent wall before Eddie’s arms wrap around your stomach. You should tell him to stop, tell him to leave you alone and not touch you but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t feel comfortable in his embrace. 

“You took care of your mother when she was sick and now your father. You missed out on opportunities like school and leaving this fucking dreadful town. You work at a job you hate where people degrade you and make you feel worthless. Your last relationship ended because he cheated on you with your coworker yet you still pretend to not know and let her boss you around. Every night you come home and lay in that bed…feeling empty and alone…yet you don’t complain.”

Your head hangs as you try to control the tears from escaping. Fingers snap and you lean back against the other demon’s shoulder as you see the wife of the man you killed grinning as she sits on the floor of her new home cooing at a baby beside her. A man walks in with a wide smile and descends to the woman’s level kissing her lips as she giggles against them. 

“You saved her life, Y/N. If she had stayed with her current husband, he would have killed her within 2 years. He’d go to trial but be out of jail within a year due to a good lawyer and an appeal.”, Steve whispers in a soothing voice. “Now, in three years, she meets this new person who makes her feel loved and respected. He never once lays a hand on her and she finally feels safe. She has two kids with him and dies at 80 a few months after he does.”

He snaps his fingers again and your mind clears for a moment before becoming foggy for a different reason as Steve leans down to kiss your forehead. Your entire body lights up at the feeling of his lips against your skin. Is that normal for demons or is it just him?

Soft kisses trail down your jaw till they attach to your neck making you hum in approval. The hands that had been resting on your tummy glide to your jeans and carefully unbutton them before sliding his fingers through the waistband of your panties. The cold metal of his rings startle you slightly as you push your lower half against his.

“It’s ok, sweetheart. I got you.”, Eddie whispers. Your arm loops around to cling to his neck as your fingers tangle in his hair.  A tiny moan leaves your throat when his thick digits run through your folds. “You are so wet, pretty girl. Let us take care of you. Let us…” You head tilts against his shoulder again as two of his fingers plunge into your core. “…relieve some of this stress you’ve been carrying.”

Steve descended to his knees, tugging your pants and underwear with him, biting his lip at the sight of how his friend’s hand was glistening with your slick. You whined when Eddie removed his fingers only to whimper when it was replaced with the other demon’s exceptionally large tongue.

“Oh my God…”

“No, baby. Don’t say his name. Say ours.”

Your eyes roll back as his lips connect to your throat, sucking on your flesh as your fingers reach down to run through Steve’s hair. The world became hazy around you as his mouth wrapped around your clit while pressing and flicking his tongue in just the right way. Eddie carefully lifted off your shirt and removed your bra, throwing them to the side. 

“You’re so beautiful, Y/N. Do you know that?”, he asked as he rest his chin on your shoulder, looking down at your body as his palms roamed purposely avoiding your tits. 

“Mmm—how-how many people have you said—fuck—said that to?”

“Steven, she’s still able to form sentences. I think you might be a little rusty, my friend.”, he chuckled.

“Oh…oh God…”, you mewled as he began to lick faster, sliding his fingers into your cunt as he pumped them into you matching his pace. 

Eddie grabbed your chin roughly, turning you to face him. “What did I say? You moan our fucking names.”, he snarled through gritted teeth. 

“Eddie, stop.”, Steve warned, replacing his tongue with his thumb. They glared at each other but something in his stare scared even you. “Not tonight.”

“I’m…I’m…” Your knees buckled and the demon behind you quickly gripped your body to keep you from hitting the floor as you came harder than you ever had before. 

“There you go. Good girl. Good fucking girl.” 

As you gradually came down from your high the demon in front you stood up and lightly kissed your lips. A fire ignited in you, through your soul, and straight to your core. Your arms needily wrapped around his neck as you pulled him closer, walking with him backwards to the bed till you both fell on to it.

You squeaked when your palm ran down his chest and you realized he was suddenly naked. Steve couldn’t help but laugh at your shock. 

“Remember, honey, all of this…”, he gestures at his body. “…is for you. To make you more comfortable. Not that I hate it. I’m kind of growing attached to the hair.” Your eyes closed as he started grinding his cock through your dripping folds. “This part is still me though. Do you want to feel it? Do you want to feel what a demon’s dick can do?”

Nodding, you prepared yourself as you reached around to cling to his shoulders. 

“Can you open your eyes for me? I want to watch those beautiful eyes as I stretch you open.”

As soon as you do as he asks, he grins, gripping the base of his cock and guiding it into your entrance. Just the tip of him had your eyebrows furrowing together. He was much bigger than anyone you had ever had and your walls were resisting his size. When he pushed in another inch, your eyes promptly closed again and his angry grumble immediately hit your ears. 

“Y/N, what did I say?”

“I’m…I’m sorry. You’re just…you’re so…”

“Look at me.”, he growled and your eyes snap open. “Fuck, you feel so good. I’ve never had a being as tight as you before.” This time he pushes in a little more forcefully making you groan. “We’re going to fucking ruin you for anyone else. Fuck me.”

Your pussy fluttered at his statement and a sinister laugh echoed from them both. 

“You like that, baby girl?” Steve’s forehead falls on yours as he finally bottoms out. “You like the sound of us ruining this little pussy? Say it.”, he commands in a firm tone as you nod.

“I want…want you…to…” He nods encouragingly, his nose grazing yours. “To…ruin my—mmm—my pussy.”

His hips roughly roll into yours and your jaw goes slack at the intense pleasure that courses through body. 

“Yeah? Ok, pretty girl. We can do that for you.” Steve leans up on to his knees, lifting your left leg up to chest as his palm holds your other open wide against the mattress. His eyes watch his cock as he begins thrusting into you.

Another set of hands suddenly appear and you quickly turn to see Eddie laying by your side as his fingers lightly play with your erect nipples. 

“You never answered my question. DO you know how beautiful you are?” He leans to trail kisses along your neck till his lips find your breast and you moan while he flicks against the bud as he closes his mouth around it. “I actually don’t say that to many beings. Personally, I think your kind is terrible.”

Your fingers thread through his hair as his teeth graze the sensitive area causing your hips to buck up as you moaned loudly. 

“You have to be quiet, sweetheart. You may be the only one that can see us but everyone can hear you.” Eddie leaned over you like you weren’t even there, picking your panties up off the floor, and shoving them into your mouth.

Smirking, he placed his fingers against his lips in a shushing motion before sliding his palm between your legs and rubbing them against your clit. Steve slammed his hips into yours and the world melted away around you. You felt like you were floating in space and the only thing keeping you grounded was their hands on your body. White light blinded your vision as you screamed which was rapidly muffled more by Eddie’s hand. 

“Atta girl, baby. Let go and just feel it.”

Your climax felt like it lasted hours as Steve slowed his pace, thrusting his cock as deep as he could while you came back down to earth. Suddenly, he grunted as you felt warmth coat your insides. 

“That’s it, honey. Fuck…your pussy is just begging for more of my cum. You’re clinging to my dick so fucking tight.” He hovered over your twitching frame, pulling the gag out of your mouth as he continued to slowly pump his hips, allowing your quivering hole to milk him. “Such a good girl. A good, beautiful girl. I know, baby. I know. It feels so good, you want more. It’s Eddie’s turn next. He’ll take good care of you just like I did.”

You whimper when he pulls out, sad at the empty feeling before your roughly turned onto your stomach and aggressive hands lift your ass in the air. In your state of bliss, you can’t make out the words entirely but you hear both demons exchange a few words. 

“Don’t hurt her…isn’t…like us…”

“Calm…not going to…”

Pushing up on your hands, you feel Eddie press his cock to your entrance before easily pushing himself in, your mouth falling open in a silent moan. He was thicker than his friend and even with you and Steve’s most recent orgasm leaking out of you, there was still resistance within your cunt. 

“Y/N, fuck, sweetheart. Steven, how—mmm—how did you control yourself from not just fucking pounding her into the mattress?” Your pussy fluttered at the thought and he groaned as he leaned his chest down against your back. “Yeah? You like the sound of that? Steve thinks—mmm—we need to be gentle with you.” As his breath warmed your ear, he thrust his hips, pushing himself as far into you as your bodies would allow.

“Naw… you’ve been careful your whole life, haven’t you? You just want to…to let go and be fucked so hard—damn—you forget how unhappy you really are.”

When your only response was your moans, he pushed off your chest and held your hips as he thrust into you. Eddie’s fingers harshly kneaded the flesh of your ass before occasionally slapping it making you mewl. Once again, it was like time and matter evaporated except for you and them. With each slap and thrust, you felt like you could see into another world; a better one. 

Your hair was abruptly tugged, yanking you to your knees as his ringed hand held you tightly. As your head tilted to the side, you noticed his eyes were closed as his face scrunched in pleasure. For a second, you forgot who they were and what they were here for. He seemed like any normal man just trying to make you feel good. Your lips moved towards him, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek causing his eyes to fly open and look your way.

Eddie’s movements slowed as he scanned your face, trying to get a read on you. He wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t like humans. He struggled to find any real good within them and quite frankly they reminded him of some of the lower level demons he fought back home. You seemed different than everyone else, you reminded him of her. 

He shook the images from his head, pushing your upper half back down against the mattress where you found yourself face to face with Steve. His fingers delicately pushed your hair out of your face before he softly slid them down your skin, reaching under your body and between your legs to rub your clit. 

“Cum again, Y/N. You can do it.” He grabs your panties and places it in your mouth again. “There you go, honey. Go ahead and scream. It’s ok.”

His palm firmly covers your mouth as you see that light once more, blinding you as you shriek and moan into your gag as your orgasm shutters through you.

“Fuck, baby. Yes.”, Eddie grunts as he holds your hips tighter, pumping his hips faster. 

“Good girl. I know. I know, sweetie. You did so well. You deserved this. Can you say that for me?”, he asks as he tosses your underwear back to the floor.

“I…I deserve…this.”, you pant. 

Your body jerks forward as Eddie gives you a few more rough thrusts and you feel his seed spill into you. Like his friend, he continues small pumps to make sure he fully empties into your pussy. Whimpering, he pulls out of your now aching core and collapses beside you. He twirls his fingers and a cigarette appears between them as he quickly lights it, blowing smoke towards the ceiling. 

“Y/N, are you okay?”, Steve asks as he rolls you onto your back and caresses your cheek. You mumble something he can’t hear as your heavy eye lids close. Rolling over to face Eddie, you intertwine your fingers with the free hand that’s between you as you push your back into the other demon’s chest behind you. It startles them both as they exchange a glance. 

Usually, the beings that summoned them wanted to get things over with as quickly as possible. When they were sexual with them, the summoner was a willing participant but was never intimate. They were demons who were going to leave them after they completed the task anyway so what was the point?

Your lips moved again and Eddie tossed his cigarette into a void before turning to face you, placing his palm on your side.

“Can you hear what she’s saying?”, Steve asked.

The other demon nods as he heavily sighs, pulling your blankets up over your waist. 

“She said ‘thank you’.”

[luvbugs-blog]

getting saved by...

pairings: tanjiro x reader, inosuke x reader, zenitsu x reader

a/n: there will be a part two... but switched! you saving them!

warnings: POSSIBLE SPOILERS! also mentions of death in inosuke's (reader has to do what tanjiro did to wake up on the mugen train)

part two!

-----------------------------------------------

tanjiro kamado

you try to brace yourself as you're thrown against a tree. it hurts, but you have to keep going. you think of the bright smile that always inspires you when you need it. the smile of your best friend. you take in a deep breath in, trying to control your total concentration, as you reflect on where you are at, and how you would rather be back at the butterfly mansion with your friends, who haven't finished healing yet.

you lift yourself up just in time to deflect the blood demon art of the spider sister, who almost captured you in her web ball. you fling yourself to the side, and when you jump up, prepared for the next attack, she's gone.

strange. you look around you at all of your surroundings, hoping that she won't pop out from behind the trees. your power, besides your breathing, is in your strength, so unfortunately, you lack any power of being able to sense where your opponent is by smell, audio, or some weird beasty sense thing that inosuke possesses.

you still and close your eyes, trying to focus on listening, when you hear something above you. something isn't right about this.

you are able to jump to the side just as the monster leaps where you were. this thing is massive, with a godawful spider face. not only is it creepy, but it scares you enough that you hide behind a tree, trying to think of a plan. that's when you remember tanjiro again.

last week, the two of you were eating breakfast at the butterfly mansion. you were sitting next to each other, chatting and occasionally laughing at inosuke devouring his onigiri. you turn to focus back on your conversation about tanjrio's "hinokami kagura", and how impressive it is.

"you truly are amazing, tanjiro! not even the hashira can perform two breathing techniques!" you gush, trying to imagine yourself doing the same. "you must feel so powerful!"

tanjiro scratches at his neck, trying to push down the raging blush that had formed on his face. "it's really not that impressive! I'm sure you could do the same if you really tried."

"oh, don't be ridiculous. i'm not near close enough to your level. and don't be modest either! just don't forget about me when you become a hashira," you say, with a little joke at the end.

tanjiro grabs your hands and stares at you a little too intensely. you feel a little startled. "don't say that about yourself! you are an incredible swordsman and i constantly want to be like you."

you blink, unsure what to make of the fervent compliments. you open your mouth, but before you can respond, he continues.

"you inspire me with your strength. you never give up and that is what's truly amazing!" you swear you can see little puffs of steam coming out of his ears.

"uh..."

"so don't underestimate yourself!"

you blink for a moment, trying to find your composure. and you don't know what else to do but laugh.

"well, alright then!" you give him a huge smile and hug him tight. "thank you, tanjiro," you whisper into his ear. he just hugged you tighter to his body. what you missed seeing was the very pointed look given to him by zenitsu.

you brace yourself and make a move from behind the tree, rushing at the creature who was looking for you in the opposite direction. activating your first breathing form, you aim at the giant's arm, hoping to buy some time while he is regenerating. but your sword doesn't cut through. instead, he flings you a couple meters back. you land harshly on the ground, and you wince when you feel your ribs crack. you take a deep breath in, desperately hoping for an idea to get you out of this mess.

the monster roars, destroying trees in his path as he searches for you. "LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE."

some hell of a family, you think, as you roll out of the way to escape a tree from crushing you. you rush at the monster again, this time aiming for his neck with your sixth breathing form, but to no avail. your sword still doesn't go through.

you can see the monster's hand coming towards you. you're going to die. there's no way you can move out of the way without breaking your sword, and you won't be able to survive without it. think! you desperately rack your brain for ideas, but it's too late.

you close your eyes as the hand comes to you, but you never feel the impact. you quickly open your eyes to see a checkered haori blocking the monster's head.

"tanjiro!"

"y/n! i was so worried when we arrived and saw all of the bodies!" the hand shakes the two of you off, and tanjiro holds you close as you both fall to the ground. he's quick to jump to his feet, but you're still a little sore from your earlier exchanges with the tree. he gives you a charming smile as he helps you off the ground. "i'm so glad you are alright."

you jump up to give him a tight hug, trying to fight off the nerves of your near-death experience.

"gonpachiro! are you going to help me out or keep flirting?" you cough as he glances over at inosuke trying to saw his way through the monster's arm.

before you can react, he presses a quick kiss to your forehead before running to help. "stay alive, ok!" he yells, "i have to confess something after the battle!"

you allow yourself one bashful smile before lunging into the fight, helping your future bf and one weird boar.

inosuke hashibira

you gasp for air as you're being held down by the neck by the train's appendage. you try to break free, but your sword is just out of reach and the tentacle thing is just too slimy to really grab hold of it. with one hand, you try to free your neck, and with the other hand, you strain for your sword. the appendage lifts you a bit and slams you back down, making something in your arm snap. you try to scream, but nothing comes out. your vision starts getting a little blurry, and black starts creeping around the edges.

what should you do? before you can do anything, a big eye pops out and blinks at you.

when you open your eyes, you have to adjust, because it suddenly got very bright. you sit up off the ground, looking around for the train, but you don't see anything. you do recognize this dirt path you are on though.

you lift yourself up and start along the path until you come across... the butterfly mansion? something wasn't right. you were supposed to be helping tanjiro and inosuke with the train demon.

just then you heard a cackle coming from inside the building. how is inosuke here? you also heard a scream coming from the inside. you sprint to the sound, and throw the doors open to see your little sibling cowering behind your parents, who were in a protective stance and looking up at the ceiling. on the ceiling was inosuke, crawling around like a weirdo.

"mom? dad?" how were they here? their deaths were the reason you became a demon slayer in the first place. tears start pouring down your cheeks as you run towards your beloved family. you stay there, hugging them for what seems like hours. your parents were very confused, but accepted the affection nontheless. your sibling was giggling at how stupid you looked, but you could care less, because at least they were alive.

maybe this whole slayer thing was just a bad dream. BAM. you jerk your head to see inosuke had come down from the ceiling. how did you forget? so the slayer thing was not just a dream. so what the hell is happening?

inosuke walks up to you and grabs your hand. "come on, y/n! let's go train." he walks you outside and into the woods.

"inosuke, i think something is wrong. we were fighting a demon and then we ended up back here. do you know anything?" he steps back and lifts his mask up, letting it fall to the ground.

"what the hell are you talking about?" he starts towards you, backing you into a tree. you put your hands to his chest, looking into his eyes.

"this is not the time to fight right now! i'm being serious-" you are silenced when he puts his finger to your lips, cocks his head and looks at you.

"the fuck are you yappin' about? you know the training thing is just a ruse." he puts his hands on your side and squeezes, making you gasp. he lays his head into the crook of your neck and gives you a small little bite, in which you grab onto his shoulders in shock. "we do this all the time."

Y/N!

you push inosuke back and look around. you grab onto his shoulder and gently shake it.

"didn't you hear that?" he just snorts. "hear what?"

Y/N!

"there it is again! someone is calling my name!" inosuke shakes his head and pushes against you once more, arms circling your waist. he starts to leave kisses up your neck, which causes you to let out a little whine. this was a little dream of yours that you kept a secret so no one would find out about your little crush.

pause.

A DREAM! of course!

"i've got to get out of here." inosuke lifts his head up.

"what?"

"you don't understand. this is a dream! the real you needs me right now." you run around the woods, searching for the demon that put you to sleep. if you kill it, you might be able to get out. how else would you wake up?

you slow to a stop, realizing the demon isn't in the dream with you. dream inosuke pokes your back. "what are you doing?"

you turn to him, unsure of what you're about to do. you reach to his waist and grab one of his swords.

"i'm sorry." you whisper, terrified. you bring the sword up to your neck. what if you're wrong? what if there are repercussions from the dream in reality. what if you actually died?

you push your hand up again the blade, ready, when a hand grabs your wrist. you look up into his beautiful face, which looked miserable.

"don't you want to be with me?" you almost drop the sword from your neck. you raise your hand to dream inosuke's face.

"it's all i've ever wanted, since we met. that's why i have to do this. to be with the real you." you pull your wrist free and scream, and with a twist of the blade, everything goes dark.

you wake up and take a deep breath. you can feel the wind from the roof of the train, and you realize it worked. you look over to see the appendage that was holding you wither into dust on the ground.

"you done taking your little nap? we got a demon to kill!" you smile at the taunting voice coming from behind you. you turn and jump into his arms.

"h-hey!" you lift his mask to give him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"thank you for waking me up," you say, before running off to where tanjiro was calling your name. inosuke follows behind you, very glad the mask is covering the redness of his face.

zenitsu agatsuma

there is no way you are making it out of this one alive, unless you hear the drum again. there are two demons making their way to you in this moving house. you aren't skilled enough to taken on two demons by yourself. so you are holding out that the drum will beat again soon, so that the rooms will shift. the first demon crawls closer and lashes it's tongue at you. you swipe at it, and the tip falls off, spraying blood over your uniform. while the first demon sprawls backwards in pain, the second lunges at you, and just as you swing your sword at it's neck, the drum shifts the rooms around.

you fall through the air in this new room, but land on something solid. you look down to see zenitsu under you.

"oh my goodness!" you hug him tight, thankful to see his face instead of another demon. while you're too busy with your relief, he's focused on your legs on either side of his waist. pervert.

his euphoria ends quickly, however, when you hoist yourself up and introduce yourself to the kid he is with. shoichi, the little boy, is so relieved that another slayer joined them, so he didn't have to put up with zenitsu's tantrums by himself.

while he is introducing himself, zenitsu sits up and screams. you turn, shielding the boy behind you, when you spot the tongue demon making it's way toward the three of you.

you all run to the nearest room and while you hope for another drum, you know you won't be so lucky this time, so you focus your attention on the door, hoping to be able to ambush the demon when he enters the room.

"no, no, no, no, no. please wake up." you turn to see zenitsu passed out on the floor.

"shoichi, i need you to get him to the wall if you can." then you turn your attention to the approaching demon, whose tongue had already regenerated. the tongue lashes out at you once more, but faster this time. you knew you wouldn't have time to cut it off, so you settle for deflecting it.

but the force of his tongue was too strong, and you were thrown backwards, hitting the wall and roughly falling to the ground. you crawl back over to zenitsu and shoichi, praying the drum sounds again.

you go to stand up to face the demon again when a soft hand pushes you back. you look up to see zenitsu and are surprised. wasn't he just passed out?

you see him get into position and hear a faint, "thunder breathing, first form". you blink and the demon is dead.

zenitsu sways for a second before falling back to the ground. you rush over to make sure he's ok to discover he's... STILL ASLEEP?

he jerks awake and squeals when he see's the demon's body disintegrating. he latches onto your torso and shamelessly hides his face into your skin.

"y/n-chaaaaan, you saved me! thank you thank you thank you!"

you look over at shoichi who just shrugs. with a small laugh, you lean over and press a kiss to zenitsu's head.

"let's try to get out of here, yeah?"

"AHHH y/n-chaaaaaan! let's get married!"

a/n: SORRRRRY i am so tired and so i rushed zenitsu's, but i hope it's still good! i'll try to finish the part two tomorrow (with a special surprise drabble!)

[i-guess-im-into-this-now]

The Apothecary Diaries

S1E24 First Watch

Here's where I watch The Apothecary Diaries for the first time and give my thoughts, analysis, predictions, and occasionally I stumble into a joke.

If you want to start at the beginning:

Episode 1

My character/locations cheat sheet:

Master Shishou - Lady Loulan's father

Suirei: court lady who tried to assassinate Jinshi

Final episode of season one let's go!

Lakan: Fengxian. I wanted to be with the daughter we (she)* left behind. That was my only wish.

*There is a mismatch of the words being spoken in English dub and the English subtitles.

Oh does he think Fengxian is dead? Shit. Do I need to retract some of the mean shit I said about him last time?

We see Lakan sitting in the brothel staring at the dried rose that Maomao left for him, and the severed fingers that he treasures. He's thinking of seeing Maomao as a child

Lakan: It's natural for her to hate me, but I still wanted her close by.

So he did try to come and claim Maomao at some point. And why couldn't he? Did the ladies at Verdigris House prevent him from taking her? Did Luomen? Did Lakan ultimately decide he couldn't raise this little girl for some other reason?

Lakan: But that despicable man. I'll never forgive him for placing his hand on my daughter's shoulder three times during our match.

First of all, we are still seeing these creepy game-piece-headed nightmares in this episode. When will it end?

Second of all, I didn't notice that Jinshi was touching Maomao in the last episode. I'm fairly certain it was not shown, which to me indicates that it happened but Maomao didn't take notice of it. Is casual touch so commonplace that it doesn't warrant notice, or was she so focused on the game that it was irrelevant.

Lastly, WTH Lakan? Wasn't he the one cracking jokes about Jinshi and Maomao last episode? And, can no one in this show read the fricking room? Obviously, there is something happening between these two. I suppose Lakan has an excuse with his face blindness, but honestly I expected better from him.

Lakan: The question is how do I exact my revenge?

Well Lakan, I think you'll have to choose between your two goals of having Maomao close by and exacting revenge on Jinshi, because those two goals are in opposition. If Lakan ever wants to have a relationship with Maomao, he will have to leave Jinshi alone, because Maomao is not going to tolerate Lakan screwing with her man employer.

Granny comes to talk to Lakan about picking a courtesan. I had this all wrong apparently. I thought Maomao was intending for him to take care of her mother. It seems he can pick any courtesan that he wants.

Lakan approaches Meimei, who says she would be glad to accept, though her body language says otherwise. She opens the doors to the courtyard where Fengxian can be heard singing. Granny is not happy, but Lakan takes off running towards the sound.

Lakan: A withered flower still retains it's beauty. If that was suppose to be a message... it can't be!

So he didn't know Fengxian was alive then? Which means I can't blame him for not stepping forward to care for her in the past.

Lakan runs, frantic, to where the singing is coming from. He enters Fengxian's room. She's turned away looking out the window, but she's singing a song that Lakan can't forget. And he's stunned. Like seeing a ghost. He's staring at a woman he thought was dead. A single tear falls down his face.

Ah shit. That's some good drama right there.

Lakan picks Fengxian. He'll pay any amount. Granny can't believe this. She's not happy. It doesn't make sense. Did she forget about the history between these two?

And what was granny's role in all of this anyway? Did she give Lakan the impression that Fengxian was dead? Why would she do that? Couldn't granny have taken advantage of Lakan's interest in Fengxian and sold off the otherwise worthless Fengxian? My guess is that Fengxian hated Lakan so much at that point, that Granny thought she needed to protect her from going to him. She's not as avaricious as she would make herself seem.

Fengxian is spacing out. To get her attention, Lakan places some Go pieces in her hand. When she finally turns to him, he asks her to play a game with him, then full on ugly cries.

It's a beautiful moment. After all the problems that kept these two apart, they are finally reunited.

They play on the bed, without a board, but it seems that at least this part of Fengxian's mind remains, because she's making cleaver moves. Lakan reminisces about how they used to play and credits Fengxian for Maomao's strengths. Does she deserve that credit...

Meimei is overwhelmed. She cries. She blames Granny for keeping these two apart.

Lakan says he will buy Fengxian's contract, and when he sees her he sees her as she was in her prime. Beautiful, without the bandages or the disease, or the any of the changes that time has wrought. Does he see her this way because of his love for her, or because of his face blindness?

I wonder how much of Fengxian's mind remains. How much does she understand about what is happening? How much, if at all can she consent to this? Perhaps that is Granny's concern as well. For someone so out of their mind, and at the end of their life, I can't see what Lakan's presence can do to benefit Fengxian. Perhaps he improves her legacy, by giving her tale a nicer ending, but as far as her experience of it goes... he's too late.

This is all for Lakan's benefit. He is reunited with the woman he loved, he get's to finally buy out her contract like he wanted to so many years ago. He gets to erase some of his regrets, correct some of his miscalculations. It's a redemption for him, though a selfish one since he is the only one who benefits from it. Arguably, Verdigris House benefits as well, but he sure as hell ain't doing this for them. I could listen to an argument that he is doing this in part because he believe Maomao wants him to, but primarily, I think this is all for himself.

(I'm sorry Lakan fans. I will try harder on the rewatch to unearth some love for your dude)

Maomao is returning from the Verdigris House with ray-of-sunshine, Basan! They oversee Lady Loulan and her father conversing, and Basan calls the two of them snakes. Maomao, rightly, thinks that's a pretty dangerous thing to say. She doesn't want to lose her head just because Basan can't keep his nasty opinions to himself. And though Maomao always avoids gossip, I very much want to know what Basan knows about Lady Loulan and Master Shishou.

Maomao is dead tired, she has been working her ass off for the last month to grow those roses for the Garden Party, and now she just wants to sleep, but Basan informs her that Jinshi wants to see her first.

Jinshi: You must be tired. Maomao: Not really.

Why lie about this? My guess is that Maomao doesn't want anyone to fuss over her. Her wellbeing isn't important anyway, so why mention how she feels?

But Suiren does worry over Maomao, mentioning how much weight she's lost since the last time she saw her. Good. I'm glad to see this more obvious show of care for Maomao. I really just want everyone to love on this girl and take care of her.

Oh and she's "Xiaomao" to Suiren now too. ❤️She gets a nice big meal and is told to eat up.

Jinshi wants to know what the deal is with Maomao and her dad. Maomao explains that she doesn't hate Lakan.

Maomao: Afterall, I would not even be here if he weren't able to land his shot so to say. ... No courtesan bears a child if she doesn't want one.

And that makes a lot of sense actually. Maomao explains how women can prevent pregnancy, abort unwanted pregnancies, predict their fertility... it all points to the conclusion that Fengxian wanted to use Lakan to get pregnant.

Last episode we saw how Fengxian's plan all came crashing down by unforeseen circumstances. In her rage she cut off both her own finger as well as that of her infant.

Maomao explains to Jinshi about Lakan's face blindness. Jinshi, who has no issues with empathy, thinks that's unfortunate. Luomen was the one who told Maomao about Lakan's condition, and he also thinks the condition is quite sad. I wonder if Maomao knows that Luomen is Lakan's uncle? Maomao thinks that Lakan's obsession with her comes from the fact that she is one of the very few people whom Lakan can recognize.

Jinshi has kept a large vase of the blue roses that Maomao grew for him, because he's in love with her they were just going to be thrown out otherwise, and Maomao reflects while looking at them. She wonders if her meaning was clear enough when she sent the withered rose to Lakan.

She claims again that she doesn't hate Lakan. She's grateful to have been born and have been raised by Luomen. Jinshi pushes back, recalling her intense reaction when Lakan's name came up before.

Maomao: No offense, but you've got a lot to learn Master Jinshi.

You don't know me. Yet.

Maomao is also grateful that Lakan helped her interrupt the ceremony that would have killed Jinshi.

Maomao: It's like he had a feeling something bad was going to happen too.

Gee, almost like he knew somethin about it, or had figured it out already?

Maomao explains that Lakan doesn't need evidence to form his conclusions. He can pick up on subtleties that aren't even conscious, to use gut feelings that are rarely wrong. Maomao regrets that Lakan can't be depended on to actually act on these feelings. She believes she could have stopped Suirei from escaping if Lakan had gotten involved earlier and she would now have the secret resurrection drug that Suirei hinted at.

Maomao is jealous of Lakan. Luomen praises Lakan without caveats, something she can only wish for. Friends. I know you all think I'm too hard on Luomen, and it's probably true. And I feel compelled to say that I don't hate him or even dislike him. I know Maomao loves Luomen and he's done all he can for her. But she's still hurt by his lack of praise. It's had an effect on her emotional and psychological development.

Maomao warns Jinshi not to underestimate Lakan.

Gaoshun adds that no father wants to be disliked by their children. Okay Gaoshun, are you projecting here? Some dads are dicks, and absolutely deserve to be disliked whether they like it or not. Does Gaoshun worry that his children don't like him? Is it because Basan is his son? He really shouldn't take Basan's pissy attitude personally, he's like that with everyone!

Meimei sends a package with a beautiful shawl and news from the brothel. She hopes that Maomao will dance for her when she is bought out. Maomao actually picks up the shawl and spins around with a soft sigh. Does Maomao enjoy dancing? Something she picked up at the brothel perhaps?

Maomao seems inspired by the gift. She sits down in front of her makeup and a beautiful outfit that is on a rack in her room.

Cut to Jinshi watching the sunset. Is the sunset just a transition to a night scene or is it symbolic of closure in the story? We are coming to the end of not just this episode but this entire season, so a sunset is certainly appropriate.

Maomao stands atop the wall of the palace, dressed in her finery, looking out to the bright city beyond. We get a glimpse of Maomao's yet unhealed leg, her freckles, her lovely courtesan's dress, her beauty. An amalgamation of all the different parts that make up Maomao. She is here to dance, as Meimei suggested. Here on the same wall where two other women have stood earlier in the season with drastically different results.

The show revisits a recurring theme from throughout the season: for women who live in a cage there are only two ways out, freedom or death.

First we had seen the concubine who danced atop the wall as she waited for her lover to return and secure her release. Freedom.

Later we saw the servant girl who plunged into the moat to end her life. Death.

And now Maomao, who often walks the line between the two. Over the course of this season we've seen her struggle with both. When the servant girl died, we heard suicidal ideation from Maomao. We've also seen her ingest deadly poison. Always flirting with death, not sure if she should welcome it or fight against it.

And freedom. We've seen her at the crossroads of her life, with decisions ahead of her. Particularly, with whether she should remain in the Pleasure District or return to the Rear Palace. And Maomao struggled with freedom, caught by indecision.

In this moment, under the stars, she doesn't have to think. She's feeling. A deviation from her usual modus operandi. Perhaps with Meimei's letter she can let go of some of the turmoil from her past. Fengxian is with Lakan now, that knot that has finally been undone. Her sisters in Verdigris House are safe and happy for the moment, with hope for each of their futures. Maomao is in the Rear Palace to watch over Lady Gyokuyou and the ladies of the Jade Pavilion. And Jinshi is safe, after both an attempt on his life by Suirei and an attempt on his reputation from Lakan. So for the moment the people Maomao loves are safe, and she can stand on top of a wall and dance under the stars and just feel.

Of course the practical reason behind it is that she's practicing to make sure she remembers the steps. Meimei asked her to dance for her after all.

And Jinshi is here. It's the end of the final episode. I'd be disappointed if he didn't show up.

She's so surprised to see him, she nearly falls off the roof. Maomao... I know you are an anime girl but isn't that a little cliché...

No matter, it offers Jinshi a chance to catch her. He always will.

Jinshi: I got a report about another weird woman who was climbing up the outer wall.

It's a recurring problem in this palace.

Jinshi: You're always causing me trouble.

And you fricking love it. Shut up.

Maomao was recognized by the guard that saw her go up the wall, and the guard was wise enough to go directly to Jinshi. Of course Jinshi came himself.

Maomao explains that in the Pleasure District, that when a courtesan is bought out that it is customary for the others to dance in her honor. Ahh, so she's dancing for her mother then.

That Lakan has bought a courtesan is big news in the Pleasure District, and even in the palace. The number of lamps on the street, as well as the number of banquet days, indicate that a courtesan of the highest status was bought out, though the public never sees her. We get a glimpse of Fengxian in red. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe red is the color of wedding garments. I'm not sure if that's intentional here or not. But in any case, no one, not even me, can mistake Lakan's grand romantic gesture in treating Fengxian with so much respect.

Jinshi questions who Lakan may have bought out at the Verdigris House, and Maomao plays dumb, which is not fooling Jinshi.

Jinshi: Just who did the strategist buy out any way? Maomao: What? As if I should know. Jinshi: Yes. Without a doubt. Maomao: No matter how beautiful she is, she would never be a match for you. Jinshi: That didn't answer my question.

She doesn't want to say. And he's not going to push her. She tries to deflect, and he lets her. He once again is asking her to open up to him, and she is still saying not yet. But Jinshi never gives up on Maomao. He will simply let her have her secrets for now. But he's so steadfast in his pursuit of Maomao that the audience can have no doubt that he will continue to try.

Fengxian won't last long. She's in the end stages of her disease. Maomao reflects on how her birth affected the reputation of Verdigris House. No one spoke to Maomao about who her mother was, because Grams tried to protect that information, but Maomao discovered it anyway. Prideful Fengxian couldn't recover from the shame of her failed plans, her loss of reputation, and she always chased Maomao away. Maomao claims that none of it matters to her. She's just happy being Luomen's daughter. I don't believe she's so unaffected, but that's an issue for a future season!

Maomao's macabre fun facts are not in fact fun for Jinshi, as she explains that you can cut off the tip of your finger and that it will grow back. I'm glad she didn't lose this part of her that was taken by one parent to curse the other. Instead it grew back. She may be scarred from the experience but she is whole. A metaphor.

When Maomao collapses, Jinshi demands to know what's wrong to which Maomao rambles off a list of horrifying truths. Maomao's leg wound won't heal. It has opened up again. She didn't notice it because she has a high pain tolerance. Probably due to all the drugs she's taken. No problem, she can just plop down and stitch it right back up.

NO. That's not happening. Jinshi has fucking had it with this girl. He then picks her up and leaps. off. the. wall. It was a little hot. I'm so used to Jinshi simping and being generally uncool, that I get caught off guard when he's actually being hot. Maomao does too. Especially since he switches to a princess carry.

Maomao gets deadly serious for a moment. She stares Jinshi in the eyes, touches his face and leans in. Jinshi is thinking this is it. It's finally happening. Only for Maomao to ask if she can now have the ox bezoar. Is she trying to provoke him? She gets headbutted for that one. I'm typically against physical violence, but I have to say, this seems justified. Maomao is happy about it too, because now she knows she's dealing with the real Jinshi.

Lady Gyokuyou pays for premium so she gets front row access to her favorite romcom. Jinshi has come to see Maomao. This final interaction is just basically this whole show in a nutshell. The ladies of the Jade Pavilion are teasing Maomao, because they love her, and they know her boyfriend totally platonic employer is watching. Jinshi says something interesting has come up and he thought of Maomao, which of course peaks her curiosity. We don't get to hear what Jinshi wanted to ask of Maomao, but we get the impression that things will carry on much as they have been until we can see these beloved characters again.

The storytellers promise us a second season. So yay!

Thanks to the like 10 people who enjoyed this blog. It was very fun for me to write. Your comments, likes and reblogs gave me life.

I loved getting to know these characters and trying to get inside their heads. The characters are so well written, and the plot is so big and juicy. There seems to be no end to the layers of the story. It's truly fantastic.

The Apothecary Diaries is a new favorite of mine now, and since I've made it to the end of this season, I'm looking forward to not having to scroll past JinMao content on my feed to avoid spoilers!

I haven't decided if I should hold out for more of the show and continue to watch it with fresh eyes like I did for this blog, or if I should just jump into the light novels or manga. Does anyone know, are both of those things complete with a good English translation?

This won't be my last content for The Apothecary Diaries. I'm known to compulsively shit post in the fandoms I follow, so I'm sure I won't be able to resist doing that. But, perhaps once I've had some time to think on this I will have some more meta analysis to offer. I do plan to rewatch the entire season. Though I won't reblog to this degree, I may jump back in the comments on some of these blogs and add some new insights.

If you like this kind of thing and want me to do it for another one of your favorites let me know! My recommendations box is ever open. I love any kind of engaging story, in any format, and am happy (unable to stop myself) to post about it on the internet! Just tell me what you love and where to start.

Until then I guess I'm into this now.

To start at the beginning:

Episode 1

[arichaa]

Giving Akaza a massage

Hello! Here's a little spicy oneshot in which Y/N suggested a massage session to Akaza...

Precisions: Upper Moon female reader; quite spicy but just a little; demons can experience muscle pain.

It has been a few months since Y/N became Upper Moon Six. She finally achieved it after putting in a lot of effort. The Lower Moons are content with their positions and often don't strive to go further. But according to Y/N, it's quite easy to enter the Lower Moons. And it's just as easy to leave. She wanted the luxury that the Upper Moons enjoy, which is much harder to reach.

Y/N is highly regarded within the group of Upper Moons because she doesn't cause any trouble and always goes above and beyond to satisfy her master. She has formed bonds with some of the moons, particularly Akaza.

-----------------------------------------

A while ago, Muzan commanded her to team up with Upper Moon 3 for a certain mission. It lasted several days, so some nights, Y/N permitted herself to visit the town nearby and buy little things while her colleague trained or bathed in the hot springs. The end of the mission unfortunately ended up being more challenging than expected. Three hashiras were in their way and after some time, the two demons managed to kill them.

The sun is about to rise, and Akaza and Y/N need to return to their hideout, an abandoned house in the middle of a creepy forest, which is difficult for a human to access. They enter the forest just in time and quicken their pace to avoid the deadly rays of the sun. They use their senses to check for the absence of humans or demons before rushing into the house.

Y/N enters the house and Akaza closes the door behind her. She sighs and looks at him. She fought with a hashira while he dealt with the other two. His muscular build is starting to give him trouble, so he's stretching his neck and arms, his facial expression showing his discomfort.

Y/N: We're finally done...

Akaza: Yes, we'll have to go back to the castle for the report.

She nods, assuming that they'll leave tonight.

The house is barricaded from top to bottom, and it doesn't let any sunlight in. They are in their own rooms, trying to adjust to the fact that they'll have to stay locked in for hours. Y/N decides to visit Akaza, to propose something. She knocks on the door and opens it when she hears a positive response.

Y/N: Hi... Am I bothering you?

Akaza: No, please come in.

She closes the door behind her and leans against it. She sees him sitting on his bed, noticing that his hands are tightly gripping his knees. She had a specific idea and purpose in coming here, but now that she has to face it, she has doubts. Akaza looks at her, patiently waiting for her to ask him what she needs.

Y/N: Well um, I wanted to make a proposal...

Akaza raises his brow, intrigued.

She takes a deep breath and confesses.

Y/N: You surpassed yourself in the fight a little while ago, and I saw... I mean I noticed, that your body is hurting?

Akaza: I... I'm surprised you noticed... But yes, indeed.

Y/N: So here's the thing... How about... a massage?

There. It doesn't matter how the situation turns out, she'll accept it. She swallows, waiting for an answer. On his part, Akaza is surprised. Y/N never gave the impression that she would be comfortable making this kind of proposal, and yet here she is waiting for an answer. He considers it for a moment and ultimately accepts it.

Akaza: That would be really helpful, thank you for proposing.

Y/N smiles.

Y/N: Good, wait for me here please...

She opens the door again and leaves Akaza alone, perplexed. He hears Y/N return and turns his attention to the door. Y/N enters this time without knocking. She has a bottle in her hand.

Y/N: I have something that would make this better...

She reveals the object to be massage oil. Akaza smiles.

Akaza: I'm sure that will be very pleasant.

Y/N approaches the bed and sits down.

Y/N: Can you lie down please?

Akaza removes his haori and places it next to him on the bed. He lays down on his stomach, his arms supporting his head. He’s a little nervous about getting so close to her.

Y/N climbs onto the bed, kneeling near him. She tries to soothe her heart by breathing slowly as she opens the bottle of oil and pours some on her hands.

Y/N: Okay, here I go then...

Y/N places her hands under his neck and begins a gentle massage. She focuses and presses her thumbs into Akaza's flesh. He feels his heartbeat accelerating when she touches his nape with her oiled hands. He closes his eyes as she starts massaging him with a firm grip. He relaxes his body and accepts her care, letting her do whatever she wants to make him feel better. She then aims for his shoulders.

Y/N: Is it okay?

Akaza’s eyes open slightly, feeling overwhelmed by her touch. The oil makes the massage even more pleasurable for him, and he loves the way she moves her hands to press hard into his shoulder muscles. He nods affirmatively, letting Y/N know she's doing great.

Akaza: Mmhh... Yes, it feels wonderful...

She makes a small understanding hum and continues. Y/N did not estimate herself as a pro, so she is giving her all to satisfy Akaza. And she is relieved that he cannot see her all red and flustered. She cannot ignore the fact that she is enjoying the situation. After a few seconds, she realizes she has to push harder than anticipated.

Y/N: You have a tough skin...

Akaza: Yeah, I kind of figured...

She switches her zone of massage to go to the middle of his back. Akaza is relieved to see just how relaxed he is. His blushing cheeks warm his arms, which serve as pillows. He sometimes even lets out little moans of pleasure with his mouth. Y/N is happy to hear how much he enjoys himself. Akaza rarely shows his emotions and desires, so she feels privileged to witness his pleasure, or rather, contribute to it.

Y/N realizes she has to lean in order to reach certain sections of Akaza's body, which gets her in an uncomfortable position. She has to get closer.

Y/N: Akaza... may I... ask if I could um...

Akaza: …Yes? What is it you want to ask me?

Y/N: Can I sit on you? It would make me a lot more comfortable...

She can't help but blush. Perhaps she is going too far and may be inappropriate, but she wants to try anyway. For his pleasure as well as hers. Akaza’s eyes light up when Y/N proposes that solution. He’s very receptive to her idea, considering her small size compared to his and how much more comfortable it would be for her.

Akaza: Sure, I don't mind...

Y/N: Thank you...

Y/N is surprised but relieved. Akaza is allowing her this, even though it is quite a bold thing to ask for. She approaches him, lifts her leg to sit astride him.

Akaza has the instinct to clutch the sheets when he feels Y/N's butt pressing almost against his own and her thighs warming him. He swallows and hides his face in his arms. It's the first time they've had such intimate physical contact. The situation prevents them from raising their voices, so they take on a softer tone to communicate.

Y/N: Am I heavy?

Akaza: No, i-it's nice...

The pressure of Y/N's body on him is just right, not too much to be uncomfortable, but enough to give him a pleasant sensation and to increase the pleasure he’s experiencing with her massage. Y/N admires Akaza's oily back, passing her small hands over it and enjoying the softness. She presses his neck and his shoulders. And now she goes much lower and massages his lower back.

It is a relief for him. Akaza did not think of this at all, and he is touched to see that Y/N cared enough to offer this solution. He can no longer concentrate on the massage but rather on Y/N herself. He feels the tickles of her hair strands grazing his skin, the warmth of her body surrounding his own, her soft hands spoiling him with care, and her breathing, which he is trying to hear better.

While she massages him, Akaza cannot help but notice that Y/N's body moves on top of him according to her manual movements. He cannot deny that the situation has taken a sensual turn, although he cannot say when exactly. When she climb on him? Or when she touched him for the first time? Or even before...? Regardless, he cannot stay still anymore. He can't stop his small moans of pleasure, which are definitely not unpleasant to Y/N. He takes a deep breath to try to calm down.

Y/N: Can you give me your hand?

Akaza complies. Y/N takes care of his right arm and places her hands flat on his muscles. She goes further and presses her hands between each bone of the palm. She then takes his left hand and does the same. Maybe it is not very useful to do this, but so be it. They've moved past that point.

Akaza closes his left hand on hers, trapping them. Y/N was not expecting this and is waiting to see what he wants. His eyes are closed and he tries to reach behind him to grab her right hand. She swallows and gives her hand after she understands his intentions. Akaza pulls gently at her hands and places them just under him. There they are, trapped between the bed and his chest.

Y/N: W-What are you doing?

Akaza: ...My chest also needs attention...

It's a surprising answer, especially coming from Akaza. She's trying to keep distance between his back and her chest.

Y/N feels the skin of his torso, and it almost makes her faint. Akaza hears her breathing speed up and caresses her hands to soothe her, having the opposite effect. She succumbs and places her chest against his back. Akaza’s expression reveals his nervousness, but he does not want anything to stop. He feels Y/N’s arms hugging him, her stomach and chest pressed against him, her hair surrounding him and her hot breathing tickling his neck.

Y/N is unable to keep her eyes open. The demon's warmth tires her. His big, warm hands comfort her. The hands she often thought about. Akaza’s right hand starts to slowly loosen its grip on hers. She lets both of her hands crushed between him and the bed while he caresses the sheet softly, making his way to her thigh. His fingertips touch her skin, then slide down behind her thigh, caressing her flesh. Y/N moans gently from the touch, making Akaza's ears twitching.

She tightens her embrace, caressing his neck with her cheek. They stay this way for a bit. Neither of them dares to break the silence and they enjoy each other's touch. Y/N turns her head to be able to place her lips on Akaza's neck. She kisses him several times to form a line of kisses on his skin and hair. Akaza swallows and clears his throat.

Akaza: *Whispers*Is this part of the massage?

Y/N: *Whispers*It can be, if that's what you want....

Akaza: Y/N...

He lets her do as she pleases. Akaza feels so good, as if Y/N had swept away all its worries. As she slides down next to him, Akaza looks at her. She looks at him while hiding her mouth with her fist. She breaks the eye contact by turning away, as she needs a minute to calm down in order to not let her desires speak. But Y/N is too far away for Akaza's taste.

He draws near, embraces her waist, and pulls her close. He feels her back up against his chest now, as Y/N allows it to happen. He strokes her tightly and gently bites her shoulder. She can't help but moan softly and kiss his palm. He sighs as he feels her lips and caresses her cheek. Y/N looks at Akaza's haori and takes it into her embrace.

Waiting until evening shouldn't be so bad after all.

[adamnablelittledevil]

Does Magnus rape Lestat? Is that why the transformation is so horrific?

Either way I hope the show handles it with the care and sensitivity such topics need.

Hey!

So, I'm still on the fifth chapter of The Vampire Lestat (it's the first book I'm reading), so I don't know everything about the universe, but I did read that chapter (it's the second chapter).

In short, it's not what happens. But there's a lot of subtext there, it feels like everything that can possibly happen to a person without explicitly getting to that point.

P.S. This mentions major spoilers, (borderline?) rape and heavy topics in general.

Magnus stalks Lestat for a while and eventually breaks into Lestat's bedroom and kidnaps him. Lestat screams and tries to fight him the whole time, and when he doesn't, it's because he's too frozen to move. If I remember it correctly, he bites Lestat, but doesn't turn him yet and takes him to his tower.

Then, he brings him wine and tries tactics to compel Lestat to ask for it, but Lestat doesn't do it. He fights as much as he can, he begs Magnus to free him and I think he even tries to bargain saying he'll forget everything, but Magnus doesn't listen. And then he keeps repeating how he said no, how it was important to make it clear that he said no and that HE WAS WILLING TO *DIE* INSTEAD OF ASKING FOR IT. There's a significant EMPHASIS ON THE *NO*, which is a typical response you get from a lot of victims. I saw it as if Lestat was directly telling the readers "I didn't want this, I never gave that impression, I fought him, I begged him to stop, I cried, I prayed to God and every saint I could remember, I'd rather die, I SWEAR I SAID *NO*, PLEASE, BELIEVE ME!" As if he needed people to know this, a helpless, desperate and very human attempt to keep this piece of his dignity, you know?

And Magnus does it anyway, he spends like a whole day trying to "persuade" him or straight-up torturing him and ultimately forces his blood in his mouth and completes the transformation. It's only when Lestat feels the blood in his mouth that he responds to it, but it was more of an instinct reaction than anything conscious and consensual. It reads as a rape with forced orgasm.

Not to mention Magnus's predatory ways and how he fetishizes Lestat, his white skin, blonde hair and blue eyes. He had a pile with a bunch of men he had killed before and had the same physique, some could even pass for Lestat's brothers. And after it, Lestat realizes he'd even defecated on his own clothes. He even mentions how rats approach him to eat it, but he doesn't care... It's not your explicit assault with penetration, but it's long, heavy, creepy, sinister, ugly, gruesome and all the metaphors are there. And, well, either way, it changed his life, his body, his brain, his entire existence for the whole eternity against his will.

And It didn't even come from a place of care and love, like trying to save someone from death, it was for Magnus's own selfish reasons. And at the end it felt pretty useless and trivial, which made it worse. Not that there is a scenario where this could ever be necessary, useful, important or justified, but there's not even a messed-up type of 'reasoning' from him, Magnus did it for the mere reason that he could. Just like that. It didn't matter. That was the worth of someone's whole life and future for him. It was almost random, even, except for his fetish with his physical attributes. Then, he dropped Lestat like a piece of meat, even when Lestat tried to make some sense out of it and sort of "embrace" it as if it was a good thing. He even tried to show him some physical affection and beg Magnus not to leave him alone. But Magnus just threw himself into the fire in front of him, adding one last trauma to Lestat's list.

In my opinion, it felt just as bad, really. To the point my reaction wasn't any lighter and it didn't bring me any sense relief or comfort that, by non-fictional/human/legal standards, it *technically* wasn't. And I agree, I hope they treat it with sensitivity and care, because however they choose to portray it, it should be triggering. This is a very crucial moment that they can't skip because it would affect the storytelling. And they can't change it too much to make it lighter either, because it wouldn't give you the real picture of what happened. They can alter a few details here and there, but not so much. It has to be awful, unfortunately. And I'm afraid they actually might make it worse, considering it's a week on the show and Lestat was kept in the tower with all the corpses, because on the book it's a day and he only finds out about the bodies later. I believe they might even change it into actual assault and that Claudia and Madeleine were their way of preparing us for something even worse with Lestat (and possibly Armand too).

I personally don't root for it, but I wouldn't be against it, considering all the metaphors are indeed there and they wouldn't be making it up out of blue. As long as they treat it with the care it deserves, that they have trigger warnings at the beginning of the episode, that they have coordinators, consultants, a whole bunch of experts and the actors and only use what EVERYONE is okay with. Everything should be a consensus, period. Specially for the actors, because as much as they love the show and are so incredibly passionate, thankful and dedicated to it, this will require a lot and they should all be taken care of. And not just in this case, but with everyone, everytime, considering this show can get heavy with a certain frequency. So far it feels like they are and I hope it stays that way.

Now, about draining, drinking each other's blood, blood sharing etc I don't fully know how that works, I see people equating it to sex/rape all the time, but I'm not sure I take it that way? But again, I'm still quite early into the books and I've already talked too much, so I'll save that for later... Thanks for the question. :)

[cardcaptorharin]

The Guardian Angel in Blue: A Thrilling Escape from Danger

Synopsis. You are running away from a creep on the street following you and you find a cop who is very glad to help you.

Character. Daichi x fem!reader

Rating/category. Character is aged up, hq timeskip

Notes. This is an idea that I had while watching a video of people saving others from creeps and other things.

It was a crisp autumn evening as I walked home from work, the sun setting behind the tall buildings casting a warm glow over the bustling city streets. As I turned a corner, I felt a chill run down my spine as I noticed a figure lurking in the shadows behind me. I quickened my pace, but the figure seemed to be following me, their heavy footsteps echoing in the empty street.

Panic gripped me as I realized I was being followed by a creepy stranger. I grabbed my phone from my purse and dialed 110, my heart pounding in my chest as I frantically looked around for a way to escape. Just then, a ray of hope shone through the darkness as I spotted a police officer standing at the end of the street, his uniform a beacon of safety in the dimly lit alley.

I ran towards him, my breath coming in short gasps as I reached out a trembling hand towards him. "Officer, please help me! There's someone following me," I exclaimed, my voice shaking with fear. The police officer turned towards me, his eyes filled with concern as he took in my distressed appearance.

Without a moment's hesitation, the officer sprang into action, his authoritative voice cutting through the silence of the night. "Stay behind me, ma'am. I'll make sure you're safe," he said, his tone firm and reassuring. I felt a surge of relief wash over me as the officer positioned himself between me and the creepy stalker, his presence a shield against the unknown threat.

As we walked briskly down the street, the officer kept a vigilant eye on our surroundings, his hand resting on the holster of his gun in case of any sudden danger. I felt a sense of security envelop me as we made our way towards the brightly lit main road, the hustle and bustle of the city providing a stark contrast to the eerie quiet of the deserted alley.

I stole a glance at the officer walking beside me, his strong jawline illuminated by the soft glow of the streetlights. Despite the gravity of the situation, I couldn't help but notice his rugged good looks and the air of confidence that surrounded him. There was something about the way he carried himself, a sense of quiet strength and unwavering determination that drew me to him like a moth to a flame.

As we reached the safety of the crowded main road, the officer turned to me with a warm smile, his piercing eyes softening as he reassured me that I was out of harm's way. "You're safe now, ma'am. Is there someone I can call for you? A friend or family member who can come pick you up?" he asked, his concern for my well-being evident in his gentle tone.

I thanked the officer profusely for his help, feeling a wave of gratitude wash over me for his timely intervention. As I watched him walk away into the night, his figure disappearing into the sea of bustling pedestrians, I couldn't shake the feeling of admiration and gratitude that lingered in my heart.

In the days that followed, I found myself thinking of the police officer who had come to my rescue, his unwavering courage and selfless dedication leaving a lasting impression on me. I couldn't help but wonder about the man behind the uniform, his mysterious aura and enigmatic charm capturing my imagination in ways I couldn't explain.

And so, as fate would have it, our paths crossed once again in the most unexpected of circumstances. I was walking home from work one evening when I heard a familiar voice calling out to me from across the street. I turned around to see the police officer approaching me with a warm smile, his eyes twinkling with a hint of recognition.

"It's you," he said, his voice soft yet filled with genuine warmth. "I'm glad to see you're doing okay. I couldn't stop thinking about you after that night. I hope you don't mind me saying this, but can we go out for coffee or something? Are you free right now?”

I felt my heart skip a beat as I looked into his soulful eyes, the spark of recognition igniting a fire within me that I couldn't ignore. In that moment, I knew that the mysterious police officer who had come to my rescue was more than just a guardian angel – he was a kindred spirit, a soulmate whose presence in my life was destined to be.

As we walked down the brightly lit street, side by side, the city lights twinkling like stars above us, I knew that I had found something truly special in the most unlikely of places. And as we shared our stories and dreams under the watchful gaze of the moon, I realized that love had a way of finding us when we least expected it, weaving its magic in the most enchanting of ways.

And so, as we stood there beneath the starlit sky, our hearts entwined in a dance of fate and destiny, I knew that the police officer who had once been a stranger in the night was now the possible love of my life, my protector, my soulmate – a beacon of hope in a world full of shadows, guiding me towards a future filled with love, laughter, and endless possibilities.

masterlist

[what-gs-watching]

“Breathe it in baby, because I am EXUDING and I am one of a kind.”

Okay so, I fell behind in Doctor Who because I’ve been job searching for like seven fucking months and a few weeks ago one came up that could be a good fit so I was trying to super focus on doing well through the interview loop even though I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to amount to anything because I’d gone through a ton of interview loops by that point but 

Y’ALL, I GOT THAT JOB! My horrible, soul-sucking ordeal is finally over, the paperwork is signed and I have a start date and everything has settled. Which means, I can finally catch up on 15 and my girl Ruby. 

Let’s gooooo!

73 Yards

Alright, I know there was upset around this episode because everyone is like ‘what the eff does it mean?’ but ooooh, I really enjoyed it. It was creepy as HELL and it just never stopped.

Wherein, Ruby and the Doctor pop over to Wales (this mofo really spends much too much time in Wales) and while on a cliffside, he steps on something AGAIN!!!!! and everything goes wrong.

Baby boy, did you not learn anything from the mine? Do you not take a scan around when you land somewhere, or are you just too excited about being adorable in your little yellow jacket and the hat and the stripes? You look fantastic, I get it, but peep down at those cute ass boots once in a while. 

I have to say, I’m impressed by Millie Gibson in this episode. It’s a lot of pressure to put on her to carry the entire thing, and she did it really well. How devastating is it to have your best friend disappear, realize you’re being followed by some crazy apparition that literally scares anyone and everyone away from you? 

Without any explanation. That’s the part that gets me. She becomes a piranha with this horrific THING attached to her and everyone she begs for help leaves her. Eve her MOTHER! It’s a mind fuck.

And I really wasn't sure where the episode was going, so I was excited for Kate Lethbridge-Stewart to show up, I was like ‘yeah let’s get UNIT into this mess’ and then she’s affected too and oh hell, that’s like, the last line of defense. 

Ruby, completely and utterly alone. And they just make her live out her entire life like that. And she tries to fix it, of course, the whole thing with the Welsh politician was a really good attempt babe, I would have done the same thing but then that doesn’t even work?!

And so everyone is all ruffled because, what was the point of it, really? What was the message, what was the meaning??!

Was she actually the apparition? If not, who was she? And then, it just ends and none of it ever really happened at all and there’s absolutely no resolution. 

Why do we love making companions live these horrible alternate timelines? How many times did we make Amy live different lives? I feel like she at least remembered most of them. But with Ruby in this one, there’s no lesson. She learns nothing, neither of them do.

But still, I loved the creeping sense of unease, so I guess I don’t really need all the details.

Dot and Bubble

I’m simultaneously annoyed and intrigued by shows that keep telling me allegories about the dangers of technology and how dependent we are on it. So far, it’s mostly been annoyed, but oh my god y’all really hit the nail on the head with this one.

Wherein, a bunch of privileged youths are existing in a perfect society that enables them to basically LIVE social media, literally surrounded by a bubble that feeds them other people’s inanity all day long. 

One thing I have to say about this episode is that the angles are something else. Lindy, the girl we’re seeing everything through is alternately absolutely beautiful, and kind of weird looking? She’s got perfect social media face. Is that a weird thing to say? I stand by it. It’s like she’s covered in the perfect ring light. It was distracting. And probably part of the point. 

Basically, this girl has no idea that there are monsters in her fake ass society that are eating her friends, and she is very not into the Doctor and Ruby trying to help her. Like, they’re trying to get her out of danger, only to find out that she doesn’t have any idea how to walk without wearing her ‘bubble’ is so deeply disturbing. Watching this girl say “forward” to convince herself to move is amazing and upsetting on a lot of different levels. 

And then out of nowhere, media star Ricky September shows up and he literally starts giving her directions like the bubble would do and I’m like ‘okay that’s interesting’, we’re subverting the idea that this incredibly popular personality is a vapid idiot because it turns out he READS and he’s taking pity on this girl that is literally a shell of a person without the aid of technology. And it was so sweet. 

Basically, this episode is infuriating because at one point Lindy hugs Ricky and tells him she’s never been hugged before (even though we know she at least has a mother) but THEN later, when the Doctor tells her everyone is being killed in alphabetical order and Ricky is trying to fight off the dot that is literally trying to murder her, she RATS HIM OUT. His real last name starts with C, he should be dead already. 

Confusingly innocent and absolutely cut throat at the same time? I guess if you live your entire life exclusively online you don’t go through things that would actually cultivate compassion? Which honestly, is not an unfounded idea. That should make y’all feel queasy. 

And to make it all exponentially worse, they flat out tell the Doctor they can’t accept his help because he’s not “one of us”. Just straight up, really gross, really overt racism. 

15, honey, I get it, but please  don’t beg racists to let them save you. You’re too good for this world, babes. That gut wrenching shout though? Absolute perfection. And the tears. You marvelous thing. 

TL;DR Humanity is disgusting and technology will continue to feed our uglier tendencies. I felt that one deep in my damn bones.

Rogue

Okay hear me out. This episode is EVERYTHING. 

Y’all know I have a thing for boys in love. And I also have a thing for the Doctor flirting with basically anyone. I don’t particularly have a thing for the regency era necessarily, but I AM about incredible costumes and ridiculous plots. 

I was honest to god squealing this entire episode.

Wherein, 15 and Ruby show up to a ball in 1813 so they can pretend they’re in Bridgerton, meet a handsome young bounty hunting rake, talk a LOT about cosplaying, and deal with bird???! aliens???

There are a million details I loved in this one. The orchestra playing an instrumental version of “Bad Guy” and then later “Pokerface”. The absolutely incredible suit they put on 15. 

Not to mention: JONATHAN GROFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Loved him in Mindhunter, loved him in Glee (before it got absolutely ridiculous and when I didn’t know any better) but holy shiiiiiit I would watch him as Rogue every. damn. day. 

River Song will always and forever be my number one love for the Doctor, but I was absolutely immediately charmed by Rogue. I’m not sure why, and it doesn’t really matter. 

How absolutely adorable was the psychic paper displaying “you’re hot”? Or the bit where the Doctor figures out Rogue’s ship is wired for sound and the system blares “Can’t Get Your Outta My Head” and he lip syncs along while Rogue dies of embarrassment? 

The entire episode was just two dorks flirting and my heart was so happy. I don’t know why, but when 15 started singing “Pure Imagination” while showing Rogue around the Tardis, I thought I was going to die. 

I love that he can be so carefree and fun and adorable, but also extremely emotional and unafraid to show it. We’ve seen so many different facets of 15 already, and his obvious and silly flirty self is definitely my favorite part so far. 

Also, the fact that the Chuldur (again, bird aliens I guess? Sure) were basically just a race that went around cosplaying other people was so camp. I’ve seen a lot of posts about how the newest theory is that 15 and Ruby are somehow in some weird sort of tv show universe this season, and this episode definitely fuels that a little bit. 

And maybe y’all are onto something with that, but I honestly don’t care to figure out what’s going on, I just want to be along for the ride.

Of course though, we can’t have an episode that’s all fun and games. The Doctor went all in on shooting his shot with Rogue and it distracted him and it put Ruby in trouble, because of course. Maybe we should stop promising random mothers that their kids are gonna be safe? Doctor, baby, you know that they aren’t always going to be safe. 

But if you weren’t charmed by Rogue before that point, you had to jump on his bandwagon when he pushes Ruby out of the transport trap and just says “Find me” before he’s blasted away with the stupid birds to some far off dimension. 

BALLER MOVE, baby boy. Baller ass move. Because ya know what? 15 is not going to be able to resist that. And you know how I know? Because that boy put your ring on his finger and I will ship the fuck out of you two forever and ever because of that. 

The doctor has definitely been known to  kiss people he’s only just met, but this time might be in the top 3. I thought Madame de Pompadour was good? Nah girl, ya bumped down. This kiss was better. Just me sat on the couch with heart eyes for days.

So yeah, I think I’ve decided I like letting a few stack up so I can watch them in a row. Watching them boomerang between crazy scenarios and thinking about all of that at the same time is more fun. 

I’m loving this season. It’s ridiculous, it’s different, it’s a bunch of things I didn’t even realize I wanted. Gimme more pleaaaaase.

[rhetoricandlogic]

Alexandra Pierce Reviews

Some Desperate Glory by Emily Tesh

April 21, 2023

Getting through the first few chapters of this debut novel required trust. I haven’t read Emily Tesh’s Greenhollow duology (2019 and 2020), so I had no sense of what her work is like. I have read a lot of Tordotcom’s publications, though, so I had to hope that there was more to the story than initially met my eye. You see, the first few chapters were both oddly familiar and creepy. The familiarity came from an opening setup like many military SF stories: humanity striving against aliens and impossible odds, doing what’s right for the species, individuals subsumed to the military cause (and the ‘‘population targets’’; at which no one who’s read Joanna Russ’s We Who Are About To can help but shudder). The creepiness is in reading this in 2023, from a woman, and from a publish­ing house that I know for its progressive work. It took a leap of faith to keep going.

It did eventually become clear Tesh has crafted an outstanding novel for her debut precisely in subverting all those tropes that troubled me. Indeed, early as it is in 2023, I’ll say it’s likely to be one of the best debut novels of the year.

Valkyr – Kyr to most people – has grown up on Gaea, the last noncollaborating outpost of humanity left after the destruction of Earth. She’s a warbreed, genetically enhanced, and constant drills, plus seeing every other person as competi­tion, have made her very, very good at fighting. Her entire life revolves around the expectation that she will assigned to a combat unit so that she can strike a blow against the majo – all the alien species who contributed to the destruction of Earth, and its 14 billion inhabitants. The only person she really has time for is her brother, Magnus, since her older sister Ursa turned traitor and left Gaea many years ago. Eventually Kyr is compelled to leave Gaea on a mission of her own devising – taking humanity’s revenge on the aliens into her own hands, after feeling betrayed by Gaea’s hierarchy. And that’s when everything starts to unravel.

There is a long list of content warnings that precede the opening of Some Desperate Glory, particularly around the attitudes and language of some of the characters (they gave me heart that there was more going on than initial impressions suggested, although other readers may find them off-putting; it’s a more hopeful book than the warnings may suggest). One of the warnings is around radicalization, Kyr and the entire cohort of Gaea having been radicalized by the adults in charge. Once Kyr has left Gaea, she begins a slow and painful deradicalization – which requires, in the first place, a recognition that such a thing is necessary, itself a deeply troubling experience. She is aided in this partly by new people – an alien held captive on Gaea, and a friend of her brother who really doesn’t fit Gaean expectations – but also by finally seeing more clearly the people who have always been around her, especially Magnus.

Kyr is rarely likeable, especially in the first half of the novel. She is driven and ambitious and passionate – all qualities that can be turned to good or evil, and her circumstances on Gaea mean that those qualities were turned early on towards a single goal: revenge on aliens, whom she does not see as people. She is an unpleasant messmate, singularly focused on making the rest of her mess into appropriate Gaean citizens; she is as emotionally ignorant as it is possible to be, and entirely lacking in self-awareness beyond her fighting abilities. She is exactly what Gaea has trained her to be. Tesh’s ability to present all of that and still make Kyr a compelling character – to make her development and gradual change make sense within her context – are testament to her remarkable talent. The rest of the cast, while important, rather pale in comparison to the monumental journey Kyr is on, emotionally and intellectually.

Tesh presents no easy answers to the issues she raises. The Earth really was destroyed, because the Wisdom deemed that it was necessary to do so for the greatest good. The Wisdom, something like an AI with the ability to shape and change reality, was built thousands of years ago by the majo. This is what Kyr is ultimately confronted by: both the Wisdom itself, and also its reasons for acting. Is it appropriate to sacrifice one for the many – in this case, a truly galactic-scale version of the trolley problem: one planet for how many others?

This is a spectacular space opera. It’s bold, imaginative, occasionally grim, and ultimately hopeful that individuals can change, and can make a difference. It’s not a light read – with themes like genocide and racism, that would be hard – but it’s rewarding, and I suspect will reward a second and third reading.

[lesvegas]

ritchie’s🎃💀 ABCs of Horror Movie Marathon!! 💀🎃

Horror movie challenge prompted by @quintsmachete

Day Sixteen - P is for Psycho (1960)

Don't you love it when a classic actually lives up to the hype?

There's nothing I could say about this movie that hasn't already been said. And nothing I say could ever really capture just how phenomenal this movie is, but I feel like its immense cultural impact speaks for itself.

Honestly, I don't really *want* to say much about this movie, because I think if you're reading this and somehow haven't seen it yet, you need to. If you can go into it knowing as little as possible, if you've somehow gone this whole time without knowing the twist (I, fortunately, only knew half of it) then you need to experience this movie for yourself.

But if you somehow really need me to sell it for you, here are some things you might want to know:

The cinematography is peak, and still holds up beautifully. The use of sharp, dark shadows and quick cuts that show everything you need to see while leaving things up to the imagination are especially impressive.

Story-wise, this movie feels like an extended episode of the Twilight Zone. If you don't know why that's a good thing, you really, really need to go watch an episode of the Twilight Zone.

In that same vein, this movie isn't all that scary to modern viewers unless you've really never seen a horror movie before. That might make it seem safe or lame depending on your outlook, but personally I found it had just the right amount of tension.

Walt Disney fucking hates this movie. That's not a myth, he said it was disgusting. I haven't heard a better testament for a movie since Ben Shapiro talked shit about The Shape of Water.

It would honestly be faster and easier to name the few things I didn't care for, so here's those (tbh this list also doubles as a content warning if you're unfamiliar with film before like, 1999):

Obviously the depiction of a certain mental disorder here isn't great. It was 1960, after all. The best I can say about is that it sort of makes sense and *seems* well-researched for the time. Talking about this in detail would also be a major spoiler so I'm not gonna do that, but if the demonization of certain conditions gives you the ick then you may want to pass up on this one. Or just the last 10-20 minutes of it. I still think you should give the first 30-40 minutes a shot regardless.

Misuse of the word 'transvestite' in an obviously transmisogynist way did not age well. Obviously. But to the movie's credit, the particularities of this subject are handled similarly to The Silence of the Lambs (again, I'd elaborate, but it's major spoilers).

Treating taxidermy as a creepy/bizarre hobby only done by weirdos. This is less of a major issue and more of a pet peeve or nitpick.

Actually that's honestly it. I'd argue the movie is flawless otherwise.

If you like horror at all, if you like old films at all, if you like appreciating the greatest classics at all, this movie is a must-watch. I highly recommend watching it on a lonely evening while eating some sandwiches after a long day of work.

This movie gets five outta five showers 🚿🚿🚿🚿🚿

[hostileheart]

All to tell (John Phillips X (fem) reader)

second FF upload to tumblr if you have any suggestions let me know thank you// to sum this one up you both work as interns at your father's company and it seems that he knows more about you than you anticipated TW for heavy sexual content and non-con elements

You lived in upstate Maryland for as long as you could remember, traveling briskly for your family's work related reasons or for a blissful summer holiday. You yourself never got out much at all, surrounded by the comfort of your home and your private college. Despite living in one place for that amount of time you still found yourself unsociable, purely out of choice. It was a rare occurrence to make conversation with anyone your age about any non school related subjects. There was no real reason to, having a one track mind makes it easy to accomplish what you wanted to. Which was exactly why your father had chosen you over your brother to take an internship at the company he was employed at. You felt dubiously guilty about the endeavor, most of the people starting an internship at the business were sons of other wealthy, dull, like minded middle aged men. On the eve of your first day you pondered to yourself about all the opportunities this could open for you, what type of impression you were going to make upon your father’s coworkers, your mind strains at the mere thought of the possible creepy touchy older men whose eyes would pin you down as you were simply trying to file paperwork, when they would make that so sickening small talk people do. Rest assured if anything was to happen you could leave whenever you pleased.

The next morning came too soon, as most Saturdays do good or not. Taking your time in the dawn of the morning to get ready and to leave promptly at 7:45 am. The car ride was silent as most times no matter the occasion are entirely. Arriving at the front doors of the company you noticed how everyone had said hello to your father with a sense of high respect, understanding why due to his high position, however not truly understanding why. You were introduced to his team members, then promptly placed into a room with other interns. Young men are already standing up to introduce themselves to try and be friendly. This sickened you, you despised it all, not being able to tell if their intentions were pure or not, this reminded you of intermediate school all over again. you briefly waved to them in a somewhat friendly way to signal you didn’t wish to be bothered. There was one young man who did not stand up to introduce himself, however had been staring at you the entire time. He seemed too familiar however you could not place a name to his face at that given moment. In order to figure out his name you put a plan in action, within the next five minutes you would use the restroom, it being down the hall from his desk. Why would you put this amount of effort just to find out a man’’s name? You didn't know why entirely it made you feel ill to a degree.

Five minutes passed and you stood up walking slowly, passing his desk, eyeing his name plate which was engraved in silver John Phillips. It hit you then that you had met him on numerous occasions, your fathers knowing each other well. However you were to never speak to him directly on your own accord. Reality came crashing back as you found yourself stopped for a moment in front of his desk spacing out for as it seemed no reason, his eyes on you the entire time not saying anything back. You collect yourself and walk into the women's restroom. Covering your mouth as you stood in front of the mirror, he looked so different from the last time you saw him, his eyes still soft yet his gaze was completely solidified. It almost aroused you, you smiled to yourself trying to control your own thoughts.

he liked you. Oh, he really fucking adored you. He liked the way you walked, and how your voice sounded. He liked how you looked when you had no idea he was watching. His watching had gone on for months, as a matter of fact you interning here was all a part of his plan recommending you to his father for the open position, John knew way too much about you more than what was comfortable.  He liked how quiet and lonesome you were, and he liked to think he could one day own you, to be the only person in the entire world to know and understand your deepest thoughts and feelings. 

As you were in the restroom he laughed to himself, slipping his hands in his pockets, knowing that this was only the beginning of his plan. Normally he would not put this amount of effort into anything, this type of behavior being completely foreign to himself he savored it constantly thinking about his new found interest, his newfound obsession. He utterly adored every part of you. He craved to know more about you. It pained him how silent you are.

You walked out the restroom after two minutes, just standing in front of the mirror adjusting your hair and lipstick. You once again pass by his desk, however something grabs onto your wrist, you look down immediately and low and behold it was John. Your eyes squint as you look up at him, quickly pulling away from his grasp. “y/n, was it?” you look around before answering with a nod “I’m John, John Phillips, we had met before at a couple of company dinners, anyway if you need any assistance with anything i’ll be around and might I add that you made quite the impression.” He smiles before composing himself, “thank you” you say with a soft tone. You smile to yourself, as you sit down quickly continuing your paperwork for another hour before your father’s assistant comes in and directs you to run down to the copy room and file something for the security office. “And John Phillips will be directing you to the security office once you file all ten copies which shouldn’t take too long.” His assistant spits out before quickly leaving you to file,

John walks up to you and says “Here send me five so we can get this done quicker” He says placing his hand on the back of your chair, you feel his long dark brown hair draping over your head. You groan to yourself “Sure thank you” you send him the documents and sure enough within the next seven minutes you both were finished with the files. You look back at him as he stands up with the papers in hand and he walks over to you, you notice the way he walks, making you grin so different from the rest of the guys who had worked here, way less formal. “Ready?” you ask him as he walks over to you “Yep yep”

a tensed silence fills the air around you two, he speaks up again “ Still in high school?” you shake your head in disagreement “Graduated last year, started a private college recently.. What about you?” he looks over at you and nods “ Yeah in my last year now, well what college?” you bite your lip before answering, debating if you should tell him or not “uhh.. John Hopkins University” John Smiles and looks over to you “ Oh really? I applied over there, what's it like?” you watch his facial expressions wisely, “Just as you would expect” you sigh

You look up at the door title starting ‘SECURITY ROOM’ “we’re here it seems.” you state as you reach for the door handle, he quickly opens the door for you allowing you to walk in front of him, he shuts the door behind you two locking it without your knowledge. You try to flip the light switch, he watches you “So the lights don’t work in here they never fix it apparently it makes it easier to look at the computer screens, and most times nobody is in here unless it’s a PM shift the paperwork we have is for the PM shift” he states. “ I see okay, how often do they have you do this” you question, “ not too often” he answers quickly, drawing his eyes away from your frame.

You can’t make out John's facial expression or tell his body language the dim computer screen light in the background only outlining both of your bodies.

John had slipped his hand in his pocket palming his bulge softly, his dick hard, your breath being rapid from the tension of the moment, the silence filled the air other than your own breath, thinking of things to speak about you walk around the room in the darkness and stare at the computer screen and the things scattered across the desk. “They keep it rather messy here, don't they?” John doesn’t answer. A minute of silence, any minute more would make you want to leave. You look around to your sides obviously not seeing him, He then presses himself against your backside, leaning his head over your shoulder and tilting it in the direction of your face. “It’s dark in here for a reason y/n” You don’t move, you can’t even if you wish. His touch against your skin made your body shake in fear, your mind absent as he was too. “I know you remember me, don’t you?” he whispers directly into your ear. “What if I don’t” your lips quivering as you fearfully turn to him.

It’s not like you weren’t enjoying it, as a matter of fact, you adored every second of it, you’ve thought about this since the first time you saw him years ago. “I’ll make you remember me” he grins as he places his hand around your throat, turning his head to yours to get a better peak of your face. "Why are you doing this John?" You spat out, voice shaky. He answered you by shoving his hand beneath your tight pencil skirt and under the constricting material of your tights. You quickly shut your eyes as you felt his fingers on the fabric of your thong. He presses his hardened dick against your ass. His fingers pushed past your underwear and dragged along your core. You attempted to look away from him, but John's grip on your throat brought you back. "Don't look away, now," he laughed at you.

You observed his face as he fit his fingers inside of you. Your hands reached for his throat. You didn't try to throw him off of you, you just held onto him as he fingered you. His fingers stretched you out painfully. You could feel tears stinging your eyes as he pushed in and out."So tight", he commented, grinning and teasing you.

He tore his fingers from you and leaned forwards to kiss you. You could feel the ends of his hair falling on your face. His erection rubbed against your ass aggressively. You wanted to spit at him, bite him, do something, but you weren't sure how that would turn out for you.

John pulled your skirt down as far as he could. You could hear his belt buckle jingling as you anticipated him. As you waited, you could feel the skin around your throat getting sore from John's hand, he leaned over and ripped open your tights with one motion. He fumbled with his boxers, his dick slipping out of them quickly. He slides himself between your thighs, never inserting himself inside. You muffle out moans from his sweaty and salvia-covered hand. “I know you need it, don’t you” he whispers into your ear, he tightens his grip around your throat. You nod, turning away in embarrassment, your breathing heavy and knees weak. “Say it then.” you shake your head looking down, “Please…please John I can’t” You turn away from his gaze, “Too fucking bad whore.” He chuckles and pushes you away from him against the desk, he conceals himself by zipping up his pants. He grabs your chin and pulls you close, almost spitting in your face. “If you tell anyone about this I’ll tell management, and your father just about what a whore you are for getting off at work. “I won’t I’m sorry” You whisper out in fear as you step towards him grabbing his hands softly, his disposition softens as you look up at him. He walks over to you and grabs your chin and plants a kiss on your forehead and wipes away your tears, pulling you into his arms. This became a thing you two did every time you both were there at the same time, sneaking away but never actually fucking. It was killing you, it was killing him. You began to admire him slowly, this admiration was picked up by the other interns who oftentimes would tease you both about it.

One night, you were alone walking back from a cafe late at night. You were a completely oblivious woman you never once noticed him. He observed you unlock the door to your house, which was close to St. John’s private boy’s Academy, with your key. He glanced at you as you closed the door as he passed your street. There were no cars in the driveway. You were home alone weren’t you? Oh, how easy it would be to just to.. break in. John couldn't help but get aroused at thinking of all the things he could be doing to you right at that moment.

He'd been watching you all day. He saw you shower, a red flush across your body as you stepped out of the hot water. He saw you shift into pajamas and do your classwork. Everything was going according to plan. He slowly made his way through your home, guessing where your room was. His feet were creaking on the floor, and by the way, your TV turned off, you had heard him. He opened the door, only to be greeted by your fearful expression. “John! What are you doing here?” you look at him in shock “You left the door open princess, could've been dangerous. Don’t worry I locked it for you” He grinned as he stepped towards the edge of your bed frame. Looking around your room, he looks back at you. “Cool shit you got,” he says as he sits down next to you. “Thanks John” You sheepishly whisper out. You eye him down looking at his attire, casual rich guy’s son bullshit but paired with a silly graphic tee which made complete sense for him. “I’ve missed you in more ways than one,” he says, getting up and then laying over you “John..” you sigh nervously, your body shaking with anticipation “We shouldn’t”. He tilts his head, his long hair falling over your face, he tilts your chin up. “Nobody is home and I came all this way don’t back out now”.

He says as he bites into your neck holding you down by your shoulders. You whimper in pain, as he rubs his erection against your leg, you unbuckle his belt and unzip his boxers. He quickly removes your top revealing that you weren’t wearing a bra, how exciting. He grips your breast tightly, admiring your body with every touch. John doesn’t waste any time, shoving his fingers inside of you pumping them in and out rapidly, this alone was enough to get you off, but John knew it wasn’t enough for him.You felt abruptly vacant as he pulled his slim fingers away from you. You practically whined before you felt his mouth prodding at your entry. His hand pressed against the side of your thigh, gripping it tightly as he looked up at you “John"! You moaned as his mouth worked wonders.

He was eating you out like he was starved. His tongue was moving eagerly and his finger was pressing harder into your clit..your climax building up. You were simply... right there.

"J-John"! You cried out. "I- I-- fuck"!

He was moving his tongue faster if possible, his gentle dark eyes trained on you. You bit the inside of your cheek, hips convulsing as you came, he licked the inside of your thigh before removing himself from between your hips.

 He grabs your shoulders as you both stand up he pushes you onto your knees shoving the finger he used to fuck you with inside your mouth, his dick slapping your forehead “suck my fucking dick whore.” you obey shyly as you grab the base of it, deepthroating it slowly, your eyes water with tears as you push it inside your mouth as much as you can. He looks down at you and pushes his hair out of his face whimpering softly as you wrap your lips and tongue around him,, he grips on to your hair and pulls you away, then quickly pushes you onto your stomach against the edge of the bed. He grabbed your hips instantaneously, pressing his tip against your entrance, you felt him shove himself inside you quickly, he began to fuck you, his metal rings digging into the sides of your hips, sure to leave a mark “Such a good slut for me” he chuckled as he thrust into you roughly and slowly, flipping you over to face him quickly he grabs your hips and pushes your legs closer to him, grabbing one of them and putting it over his shoulder Your toes curled and your eyes rolled back into your head .John watched intently, feeling you clench and convulse around his cock. He felt his orgasm approaching and feeling you fall limp beneath him was the breaking point. John kept a close eye on you as you seemed out of breath as your feet curled and your eyes rolled up into your head, he watched you helplessly squirm underneath him this was his breaking point, he groaned in pain and in arousal, his hair and body shaking as he thrusts into you rapidly, releasing his hot cum inside of you. “You're mine” He groans out and falls to your side  grabbing your cheek and kissing you softly “and i’m yours” He whispers out before, cleaning you up and getting dressed. “I’ll see you again y/n” he smiles before exiting out of your window and heading back to his dorm. This was for sure a score for his loser stoner virgin ass.

[gaybd1]

Chris rewatches and liveblogs the awful The Last Airbender movie for the first time since it was released 13 years ago

ok I saw this once when it was in theatres when I was in high school and I never watched it again. I remember being disappointed and uncomfortable originally

I only remember Aang was pronounced differently and Katara was some blonde chick I remember literally nothing else so here we go

oh damn ok right away the bending animation is kind of giving but the weird cursive stylization of the element names in the intro… not a fan bc my bad Chinese reading self can’t read it and I wonder if that’s even like a real style lol I wouldn’t be surprised either way

Also like just KEEP the TV intro instead of plagiarising but a little to the left?? sorry I know I’m nitpicking

Why are Katara and Sokka like MAGA-white that’s SO uncomfy

Sokka is not giving me the correct vibes

Why would Katara go with Sokka to go hunting?? p sure that happened in the cartoon too but ???

Already changing my mind about the costumes and possibly the Sokka vibes

Okay Aangs tattoos fuck actually

Okay yeah the tone of this whole thing is so boring I can’t put my finger on it yet like something is DEFINITELY missing

Okay yeah the costumes suck

ZUKO??? why is his hair so boring why is his scar so tiny

Gran Gran is white too?? but all the other villagers aren’t lololol okayyyyy

First impression of the sets (like the SWT village were good) but actually they suck they make ZERO sense there are just like open windows and no door?? But it’s cold outside???

OH NO what did this film do to Appa I’m so sorry sweetie look how they’ve massacred my boy

IS THAT UNCLE IROH IM AHSJDKLFNFGSJSKD

EEROH again I guess that’s more accurate but WHY

The vibes in this movie are all off lolol how did Nickelodeon endorse this?????

Still not sure why this feels so flat like I really don’t care about anything happening?? Maybe bc the original show is so character driven and this movie hasn’t even let us get to know any of the characters?? I remember thinking the first time I watched this that it moves way too fast so I guess this all could come down to a pacing problem

Gran Gran’s explanation to like send them after Aang makes no sense at all actually

I know they were trying to be like accurate with the costumes (a laugh tbh) but I do think it was a mistake to get rid of the color associations

MOMO OH NO I’m so sorry sweetie

Again with the air temple set, the vibes are right but it doesn’t look quite like anything I ever saw in SEA or in research...

The sequence where he finds out the airbenders are gone is pretty good. Seems they could do more with that than in the show but okay now he’s having some weird vision with a dragon????

Wait Soe-ka? Knock it off w the names I s2g where is the franchise continuity

Are the gonna explain the weird ass dragon vision??

The FN ships are so bad

Zhao is not creepy enough. Asshole enough though.

I KNOW I’m nitpicking but even the food seems wack

Weird that the firebenders seem to be only able to manipulate fire here, not create it

I do wonder about the authenticity of the costumes. I’ve heard they suck but I’d be fooled which begs the question, why not just BE authentic to the cultures they’re supposed to represent

Is it the acting that’s flat here, the writing, or the directing? Whose fault is it??

Interesting choice to have the earthbenders imprisoned within reach of their own element. I kind of like that, showing how defeated their spirits really are

Of course they gave away Katara’s motivational speech

These bending motions CANNOT be based on real martial arts lmfao it seems so clunky

Wild how I just don’t care about any of these characters lol

The writing isn’t ALL bad like I actually like the way different plot elements were connected for the sake of the movie but the execution is just so bad

Princess Yue leads the NWT? Again… a Choice

Wild how they are leaving the best episodes out of this narrative. Like the ones that gave the characters life

LOVE that there’s an African-inspired Earth Kingdom village, I’ve been thinking about this concept a lot actually

Why does the Fire nation look like that?? Why does Ozai look like that??? Why are we introducing Ozai already I don’t like that choice either???

I HATE the Fire Nation aesthetic SO MUCH

Ozai is not evil enough AT ALL

I DO like the creative directions they took w diversity in the Earth Kingdom like in different towns

AGNI KEE I’m

Aww lil Azula is cute

What a weird ass way to fit in Zuko’s backstory. Again, I don’t find myself caring about it at all

Starting to really hate the bending actually. The elements don’t seem to be interacting w the movements of the bender at all

The statue room looks cool

The dragon again wtfff

The Blue Spirit. Cool but it doesn’t hit as hard bc we don’t CARE about Zuko or his past and tbh it probs won’t make any sense to a casual viewer anyway

Also why does his mask need to come with a wig I mean it looks so unserious

Iroh just creeps me out idek why

OH we’re blowing up Zuko’s ship NOW okayyy

Aww some Sokka/Yue vibes but it’s a real shame I don’t give a shit about this version of Sokka

I think one reason I don’t like this version of bending is it takes so much handwavinv before anything even starts happening

Not digging this NWT aesthetic either tbh

Pakku??? Why does he look like cheap knock off Theodin? Why is he like… nice???

Why is Aang trying to talk to this Dragon Spirit and not like… Roku?

Wild how the one thing they left the same from the actual show was how Zuko snuck into the NWT lol

Hate the spirit oasis, actually

Least helpful Dragon Spirit ever

Cool that iroh is the one who can make fire out of nothing (he obviously taught Zuko) but lolol what a random time to do that

Okay the scene between Yue and Sokka before she turned into the moon was nice. Probably the most emotion we’ve seen in the whole movie

More morbid that her body is still there though lol

And no Ocean Spirit to fuck things up??

Drowning someone w waterbending is very dark but actually a great touch

I like this idea of Aang mourning his people and using that to harness his waterbending and then he can beat the FN on his own without a spirit’s help. That’s nice.

Also the music for that scene was nice. The only good soundtrack all movie too

So he’s just scaring them with water?? Lmaoooooo not even like killing anyone they just all ran away?? that’s actually…. A fucking terrible plot point never mind

Sweet he gets another chance to like. Accept his role as avatar and bow back to everyone?

AZULA

Okay yeah that was AWFUL

[stop-breaking-my-heart-dragonage]

[half agony, half hope] ch4: in the quiet desert, reminders are sought

ch1 | ch2 | ch3 | ch4 Read on AO3

Pairings: Warden!Carver/Merrill; some side M!Hawke/Anders and F!Tabris/Alistair Rating: M Chapter Summary: Having acquired confidential records from the archives of Weisshaupt Fortress, Warden-Commander Rosalie and her companions have a lead in the right direction. Unfortunately, Warden Carver won't be able to accompany them as he and his beloved companion have a long trip to Kirkwall to make, and a lot of feelings to sort out. But first: dwarven ale.

Note: I wanted to have this chapter out sooner but silly me got sick and needed some recovery time. I'm feeling better now, and was able to finally have some fun with Carver and the Grey Wardens.

I also want to note that this story takes place in my King Cailan Lives AU; it's not super relevant or important right now, but has a greater purpose in later chapters. Just throwing that out there since he's mentioned a few times. I promise it'll make sense, you just gotta stick with me! Thank you for reading!

-x-

In the southern Anderfels, there’s a desert made of dusty windstorms and prickly edges; a jagged butte rightfully called the Broken Tooth. Weeds and thick vines, some as dark as coffee grounds, others as light as tea leaves, grew all around Weisshaupt Fortress, the desert’s centerpiece. As impressive and intimidating as the Grey Wardens who occupied it.

Within the walls of stone, all decorated with elaborate tapestries that honored the order, whispers breathed new life into the stale air with piqued interest and anticipation. Not all were impressed, though; among them were a few dubious glances and cynical grumblings.

It was the second visit to the fortress made by the Hero of Fereldan; the only Grey Warden to ever kill an Archdemon, to accept the soul of an Old God within, and to survive.

An elven woman from the alienage of Denerim, conscripted upon facing execution for the murder of an Arl’s son, Warden-Commander Rosalie Tabris was a topic of speculation within the order. Most believed the story she spun for them—a witch saved her and Warden Alistair at Ostagar, and another witch’s magic ritual saved them against the archdemon.

Other’s believed it a fabrication, and spat scrutiny at the way she commanded the wardens under her at Vigil’s Keep.

But this time, Rosalie did not walk through the gates alone.

On her left was a dwarf with hair the color of fresh blood and the smell of an entire brewery on his breath; Warden Oghren, another hero of the fifth blight. On her right walked another dwarf with a casteless tattoo on her cheek, dawning armor pieced together of both Grey Warden and Legion of the Dead outfits; Warden Sigrun, recruited shortly after the Grey Wardens settled in at Vigil’s Keep.

And then there was the man who followed closely behind them with the distinctive chin and prominent dimples in his smile—Warden Carver Hawke, who towered over his companions, an impressive warrior with the silverite greatsword on his back.

And interestingly, if not amusingly, a rather large nug followed at his heels, of all things. The creature was larger than the average nug; fleshy pink with a grey patch around the right eye and a stripe down the back, creepy looking feet, and a ringlet for a tail; and had the temperament of a protective mabari.

Carver’s face was the one most at Weisshaupt recognized. Stroud brought him there as a warden still recovering from his Joining, but he had little time to form any long-lasting bonds.

Though he hadn’t intended nor expected it, Carver brought the Hero of Fereldan to Weisshaupt the first time. Rosalie showed up unannounced and demanded to see him, refusing to divulge her reasoning or say how she knew he was there at all. While questions were pressed, no one could deny her.

After speaking for only an afternoon, he agreed to go back to Fereldan with her.

Now Warden Carver served at Vigil’s Keep with great loyalty to the Hero of Fereldan and her cause, one that wasn’t so different from the order’s, but strayed enough that it had to be kept secret.

While that might’ve been a difficult task given that cause was the reason for their visit, the Grey Wardens were always good with their secrets. The wardens spent most of their visit in Weisshaupt’s expansive library, discretely inquiring after information and whispering to the shadows.

They found the information they sought, and departed in the dead of night with barely a goodbye.

-x-

Among all the coarse sand hills, insignificant boulders in every shade of brown, and the yellowing grass somehow thriving in the dry conditions, a makeshift camp was settled by the travelling Grey Wardens.

Three tents pitched around a lively fire, bags acting as extra weights to keep gusts of wind from blowing them away. The scent of dinner, a vegetable stew they scrapped together, still lingered with the smoke.  A distant howling, perhaps a wolf excited by the bright moon in the inky sky.

It would’ve been peaceful if not for Oghren’s abhorrent snoring. He didn’t even make it into his tent, but no one paid him much attention. Sigrun went to do a perimeter check, and to meet back up with Zevran, who the group hadn’t seen since he passed off stolen documents to them from the shadows.

That left Carver, his commander, and The Destroyer of Darkspawn on watch by the fire, but the most they fended off were the irritating bugs buzzing around.

Sat cross-legged on a heavy blanket a relaxed distance from the fire, Rosalie sifted through a stack of papers while Carver rested on his own blanket beside her. The Destroyer of Darkspawn—or DeeDee, if you prefer—lay at his side with her head in his lap, the heavyset nug peacefully snuffling in her sleep.

A restless night, like many, but this time it wasn’t due to the burdens of being a Grey Warden; nightmares of dripping black ichor, the screeching and gurgling of darkspawn, the whispers of broodmothers tingling behind his ear like a fingertip, tracing over the helix and down the back of his neck. It wasn’t even the buzz of new information they learned during their research that brought an anxious fluttering to his guts.

No, tonight his thoughts raced with conflicted cocktail of anticipation, enthusiasm, and dread over Kirkwall and everything that awaited him there. 

Admittedly, he thought he’d outgrown tantrums by now, but when Rosalie told him of Edgar’s letter and that she granted the request to give Carver leave, he was this close to throwing one.

With a hard tug, his hand was free of the gauntlet to rub at his face. Then off came the other, tossed over on packed bags, all stuffed with everything he and DeeDee would need for the journey and stay in the damned City of Chains.

The nug acknowledged the disturbance with a huff, long ears perking up, but relaxed when Carver soothed his hand down her pudgy back. Was it just him, or had she grown even bigger since they left Fereldan? She seemed heavier on his leg than before.

She’s definitely grown since he found her in Orzammar not that long ago. The Grey Wardens were regularly welcomed by King Bhelen for dinners and provings in their honor, and the last time Carver joined Rosalie, Alistair, and King Cailan, a “delicacy” of surface nug was on the menu.

Supposedly, DeeDee was found in the Arbor Wilds by dwarven butchers who sold exotic meats to Orzammar’s nobility, but Carver had no idea how she could feed anyone, not even a dwarf. Within the iron cage, she was a pathetic little thing like most other nugs. Noises that may have been the nug equivalent of growls emitted from her tiny body whenever anyone approached her cage. Maybe it was just chance he and Alistair happened by at the right moment, but whatever it was, he couldn’t stomach the thought of eating something so… helpless.

“Hey, distract the butchers for me. Keep their eyes off me.”

“Sure… wait, why?”

Not only did Carver gain a companion in DeeDee, who seemed to understand what fate he’d saved her from and followed him after he tried to set her free, but he also learned that Alistair made for a terrible dancer. It got the job done, though. 

DeeDee stretched out her legs and yawned, twisting to peer up at him with those beady eyes. Carver couldn’t help but grin down at her. The Destroyer of Darkspawn, as he initially named her, wasn’t the sort of companion he would’ve thought for himself, but he absolutely adored her.

Hopefully she got along with Fleabag. DeeDee and the Commander’s mabari, Griffon, often played and chased each other around the yards, but his beloved nug wasn’t exactly the friendliest creature when it came to first impressions. He didn’t want to hear Edgar complain about DeeDee beating up his dog.

Carver’s smile faltered.

Maker, he hadn’t even told his brother about DeeDee yet; hopefully his brother didn’t object Carver’s companion.

They wrote as often as they could, but Carver was far less elaborate on the fine details of his life; “Dear Edgar, how are you? Fereldan’s still Fereldan. Killed some darkspawn the other day. King Cailan visited Vigil’s Keep for dinner. Going to Orlais next week. Alistair says hello. Give my love to Mother. Your brother, Carver.”

It’s mostly because he couldn’t share certain things about the Grey Wardens, but also the vulnerability that came with sharing his life now became distressing. He knew his brother too well. Every letter Carver sent was probably waved around and shared with anyone who would listen. Not out of malicious intent, but because that’s just how Edgar was.

He always asked if Carver could come home to visit in every reply without fail, too. That part wasn’t anything new, except this time his brother changed his strategy, no doubt succeeding thanks to the sewer dweller he was smitten with, the bastard.

And given Rosalie and Alistair raised their daughter, Aria, in secret at Vigil’s Keep and often visited family in Denerim, allowed Oghren to take leaves to visit his son and ex-wife, as well as Nathaniel to see his sister… it’s unsurprising that they granted the request.

It’s not that he didn’t want to see his brother or return to Kirkwall, but Carver had a calling now. A duty to fulfil that his brother couldn’t possibly understand; to help save the world from facing the twisted corruption brought on by the taint… to make sure no one he loved ever had to face the underground horrors of broodmothers and their children, to succumb to destructive madness.

Even though the taint flowed in his blood, there was a freedom that he hadn’t felt before. Once Carver was a child with a collection of maps and flags. Now he’s a man who travels to those places he once dreamed of seeing with a purpose.

The Grey Wardens didn’t merely tolerate him. They all experienced the Joining, and witnessed the deaths of those who didn’t survive taking the taint into their bodies. All had made their own sacrifices, suffered nightmares and grief. Some bonds were stronger than others, but they all shared the same home now and there was comfort in that. Even if—even when they found the cure they sought, there was little fear in his mind that they would all part ways forgotten.

He had a Commander who recognized his worth and trusted his judgement out on the field. He had DeeDee who would follow him everywhere and looked at him with the adoration he once thought only a mabari could have. He and Alistair went for early morning runs and had afternoon tea with Aria and all her toys. Drinking contests with Oghren. Debates and—mostly—good-natured quarrels with Velanna about mundane things. Prank wars with Sigrun that always ended with Nathaniel as the loser despite not even participating. The newest warden, Ivun, a one-eyed elven fellow Rosalie conscripted to prevent him from hanging for theft, shared Carver’s interest in Fereldan history and lore.

 He trusted them all with his life down in the Deep Roads, when facing the soulless horrors of darkspawn, just as he cherished their time working together at Vigil’s Keep and Amaranthine.

He's more now than he ever was before the Deep Roads Expedition. Being a Grey Warden finally brought him out into the light away from his big brother’s shadow, and part of him wanted everyone who ever doubted him to see that. Five years ago, Carver was just Edgar Hawke’s little brother. A tagalong only put up with because everyone liked his brother, and he could swing a sword well enough. Yes, he was an ass back then. It did little to improve his popularity, he could admit that.

But he’s older now. He’s a respected warrior of the Grey Wardens, serving under the Hero of Fereldan. Everyone at Vigil’s Keep, and most citizens of Amaranthine, knew his name. He had more than enough coin flowing to never worry about living comfortably. Carver drew the eyes of the lovely noblewomen, unmarried or otherwise, who casually inquired after details; “Tell me, has anyone caught the fancy of Warden Hawke?”

And he wished… he wished Mother could see him. Bethany and Father, too. See that he did become someone uneclipsed and worthy, someone they could be proud of.

Carver would love nothing more than to boast all of that to Edgar. And to Aveline. And to all of his brother’s friends who believed he wouldn’t amount to anything, who didn’t even like having him—

“If you had a pet griffon, what would you name it?”

“A griffon?”

“I would name mine Feathers. Griffons don’t eat people, do they? What if it got out and ate the neighbors?”

“Eh, if it did, the neighbors probably deserved it. Actually… that’s what I’d name mine: Neighbor Eater.”

“Really?”

“That way no one can complain if he eats anyone. I’ll just tell them the name’s a warning; if you get eaten, it’s your own fault.”

“That… is the silliest name!”

“Is not!”

…No, that wasn’t true. There was…

Shit. Shit.

“I should go with you.”

The Commander only paid Carver half a glance. Another obnoxious snore rang from Oghren, followed by slurred grumbling.

“Kirkwall can wait a little longer,” he said, composing himself. DeeDee peered up at him, listening as well. “We finally have a good lead. If it’s true, and Fiona’s in Montsimmard, I should be there when you talk to her.”

A slow nod. Rosalie read the documents like if she glared hard enough, the pages would forfeit some secret information hidden from the eye. And who knows, maybe they would. He’d certainly spill his guts if she ever looked at him like that.

They’ve already discussed the information Zevran snatched from Weisshaupt’s confidential archives, courtesy of his inability to be sensed by other Grey Wardens and his deft thievery skills. They wouldn’t have resorted to stealing the documents if the Grey Wardens were more forthcoming, but somehow the Commander knew they wouldn’t let her waltz out of Weisshaupt with the only case reporting of a Grey Warden being miraculously cured of the taint—hence the forethought to sneak in their thieving confidant.

They wanted crucial information that could potentially bring the cure of the taint to all Grey Wardens, saving them from the fate of the Calling? Perish the thought!

Yet even for as thorough as they were, something in the reports didn’t add up. Carver wanted to go to Kirkwall, but he wanted to know how ex-warden Fiona cured herself of the taint from the woman herself even more.

“If you don’t go,” Rosalie finally spoke with a perked brow, but still didn’t pay him any glance, “then can I expect another letter from your brother? Or should we have a room made up for him when he inevitably storms the keep?”

Carver chuckled, shaking his head. “Believe it or not, there are more important things than my brother’s bullshit. He can wait.”

That got a snicker out of the elven woman. “Have you ever told him that?”

“More times than I care to count,” said Carver flatly, then sighed. “Look, if you’re going to the Circle, you’re going to need me. The templars may have no authority over you, but that doesn’t mean they won’t try something.”

“I’m aware.” Rosalie finally looked to him with an amused, knowing smile. “Many templars tried to take Anders away after I conscripted him, and I hear Greagoir threw a fit when the rumors about Justice reached Kinloch. Then one of their seekers showed up to have a chat with me. Lovely one, that.” She rolled her eyes, straightening out the stack of papers to tuck them in her bag. “And they think I don’t know about their attempts to send undercover templars to snoop around the keep. I’ve only met a few in the order who aren’t complete pricks. Alistair says it’s part of their oath.”

There’s a sentiment Carver shared. His whole life centered around not drawing attention from the Chantry and its templars. He could still only name enough decent ones on a single hand. Alistair once told him that if Fereldan wasn’t left in a such a delicate state after the Blight, King Cailan would’ve sought an effective way to “kindly shoo them out.”

“That’s why I should be there.”

“Your concern is sweet, Carver, but you needn’t worry about us. Besides, we’re not going to Orlais so soon. Unfortunately, there’s still much to do here.”

“I have to go through Orlais anyway,” Carver pressed. “I see no reason to separate just yet. What’s another month or two?”

The Commander looked at him then, studying, but not unkindly. “I thought you’d be more eager to get away. Even if you get sick of your brother and Anders, surely you can busy yourself with other fun things.”

“You’ve never been to Kirkwall, have you?”

“Alistair said it was a charming place until the qunari started attacking people.”

“Most places are.” Carver shifted, fidgeting with the indigo material of his uniform. “I still don’t feel right about leaving, and for that long.”

“I’m sure you’ll have so much fun that it’ll pass before you know it.”

“Maybe. But…” Carver shook his head, shrugging. “I don’t know.”

Silence fell over them, save the continual snoring of Oghren, as Carver avoided the quizzical stare of his commander.

In truth, Carver debated confiding in her or Alistair before about… about certain things, given their relationship. Except doing so would mean he’d actually have to talk about the night before he left for the Deep Roads expedition and…

The distant memory of a sweet laugh echoed, paired with a smile just as adorable. So familiar, so poignant. Eyes like the vivid forest of the Emerald Graves, brightened by battle and triumph. Many evenings spent at the tavern, drinks in hand. Enthused ramblings about everything and nothing. Delicately inked markings over flushed cheeks—

 “Uh, you have mud on your face.”

“Oh? …Did I get it?"

"No, other side, uhm… May I?”

Maker’s breath. He believed he’d outgrown blushing just as he’d outgrown tantrums, but a shame long pushed out of his mind crept back to paint his skin scarlet. In vain effort, Carver ran a hand over his face to wipe the tire from his eyes, and perhaps to hide from the inquiry of his commander.

He’d done so damn well to not dwell on stupid faults anymore. Hadn’t he wasted enough time coping with his own bitterness and remorse for what happened? No matter how many times he replayed it all in his mind, nothing changed—he made a mistake and ruined everything.

“Carver?” Rosalie’s soft voice sent a jolt through his gut. “What’s bothering you?”  

Carver stared into the fire. Or through it, not truly caring to see the mesmerizing dance of the flames. When he spoke, melancholy teased his tongue.

“Merrill.”

Her name hung in the warm night air, unable to be taken back. Real. True. When he finally glanced at his commander, she asked a simple question.

“And who is Merrill?”

Too bad the answer was complicated.

“A girl I knew,” Carver replied quietly. “Before I caught the blight.”

Rosalie nodded, then asked, “A girl you knew, or a girl you knew?”

A silent wince. Carver scratched behind his neck.

“A friend. My only friend from Kirkwall, actually. We…” he trailed off, throat gone dry. He swallowed thickly, shifting uncomfortably and disturbing DeeDee. Alert to the new tension radiating off her master, the heavy nug sat up in search of danger in the surrounding area. “We parted on… I don’t know. Bad terms? No, I- I made an ass of myself and…”

 And he did something he shouldn’t have done; in a moment of quiet tenderness amid a thunderstorm, knowing that morning would come, and he’d spend Maker knows how long in the blighted Deep Roads… he almost kissed her.

He’d hoped that the way she looked at him meant something more, that she went out of her way to spend so much time with him because she returned his affection… but he should’ve known better. Merrill’s heart was kind, and she treated everyone like that; he wasn’t anything special.

“I take it you two haven’t spoken since then?” Rosalie interrupted his thoughts.

“No.”

“And this will be the first time you see each other in…?”

“Five years. Give or take.”

Damn… how has it been that long?

Concerned noises rumbled in DeeDee’s throat as she scrambled up into Carver’s lap, planting her feet against his chest plate, nose twitching up toward his chin. He believed the nug was too smart for her own good, attempting to soothe her unease by scratching her neck. Without thought, Carver said, “I bet she’ll adore you.”

Shit.

Merrill would be there with the rest of them. It’s inevitable that Edgar would drag him to the Hanged Man and there she’d be… sitting at the same table they always sat at as if no time has passed.

“You’ve never written to her, I assume.”

Carver shook his head. “And she’s never written me.”

That’s how he knew. Edgar and Mother wrote him, and Gamlen sent a few letters hoping to squeeze coin out of him. Varric occasionally wrote, too. Even Isabela sent him a package once with a book baring a scantily clad templar on the cover; “it reminded me of you, Little Hawke.”

Not a single letter from Merrill.

“May I ask what you did to make an ass of yourself?” asked Rosalie.

“I told her how I felt.” Carver chuckled, the sound more bitter than he intended. “But she’s Dalish, and since I’m human… well, we all know how that goes.”

“Oh.”

 “It was stupid,” he grimaced. “I didn’t plan it or anything, not exactly. I overthought everything, and it felt right, in the moment. The look on her face… Now I wish I hadn’t said anything at all.”

“I see.”

Carver maneuvered DeeDee off of him, who snorted in protest, settling her comfortably at his side so he could better stretch out his legs. He continued, “I didn’t really have anyone else. We lost everything when we fled Fereldan. No one but mercenaries and thugs wanted to hire me. Ed was always running off without me. Merrill just came to the city from her clan, and somehow we grew close.… I don’t know, we got along. She was odd, very odd; not at all like the other elves in the city. But she was sweet.” He swallowed thickly. “I liked that about her.”

He had liked a great deal about her; kind, witty, perplexing, beautiful Merrill. Brilliance touched her mind in a way that made her, in Carver’s opinion, the most resilient and impressive mage he ever met. Sure, Anders was Circle-trained, and Father taught Edgar and Bethany to wield their magic well, but none of them had the quirks Merrill had. The only comparably skilled mage he knew was Velanna. Maybe it’s a Dalish thing.

The blood magic made him uneasy at the time, but even then he knew it wasn’t inherently evil like the Chantry preached. Merrill never used it when she didn’t have to, nor did she allow it to corrupt her mind. Now that Carver was a Grey Warden and had to stomach everything ugly but necessary, Merrill’s ways with blood magic didn’t seem nearly as consequential. After all, what was the Joining if not a blood magic ritual used to create more Grey Wardens?

But what mattered was she saw him as more than just Hawke’s little brother or the tagalong, she didn’t shy away or grow intimidated by his presence like a lot of city elves did, and she was the truest friend he had in a long time. Carver didn’t quite know how to accept her off-hand compliments or encouragements, even after spending so much time together, but they meant everything to him. If there was ever anyone he cared about in Kirkwall, aside from his brother and mother—and maybe Aveline, if hard-pressed enough to admit it—it was Merrill.

From beside him, Rosalie scooted over to grab DeeDee, who huffed at the Commander for foiling her plans of sneaking back into Carver’s lap. “Just a stab in the dark,” she started, brow arched, “but it sounds like you still care for her.”

“No,” Carver responded, defensive yet surprised at his own firmness. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t care, but I’ve moved on. I’m a Grey Warden. I’m on borrowed time, and I won’t waste it pining over something that’s never going to happen.” He meant every word, too. “I’d rather focus on what’s important, like what we’re doing; fighting darkspawn, and investigating this stuff with Fiona.”

“There will always be an endless pit of darkspawn, and a need for Grey Wardens to fight them. There’ll even be future Blights,” Rosalie said. “And as important as that is, I’m of the opinion that other things can be important, too.” Then, she smirked at him. “That’s why I’m so unpopular with Weisshaupt.”

Carver laughed. “Unpopular? Come on, some of those men wanted to worship you at your feet.”

She wrinkled her nose at that. “And the rest believe I’m a liar and undeserving of my title,” she reminded him. “My point is that I appreciate your dedication to this. I couldn’t ask for a better warrior.”

Pride swelled in Carver’s chest, yet found himself sheepish in looking away.

“But sometimes we need a reminder of what it is we’re actually fighting for,” the Commander continued. “Why devote our lives to a battle with darkspawn to save the world from their corruption if we’ve nothing to save? Why seek a cure to the taint if we’ve nothing to live for?”

A glint caught Carver’s eye; the fire that reflected off the golden band his commander wore and twisted on her finger.

“I have Aria to think of,” she said softly. “And Alistair, and my father. Shianni, Soris and his family. Everyone I left behind and lost in the alienage. Those who fought at my side during the Blight. All of you, and everyone back in Vigil’s Keep. King Cailan, and all of Fereldan. They’re who I do all this for, and—” Rosalie knocked her shoulder with his, “—I think it’ll be good for you to go home and gather your reminders, too.”  

Carver hung his head with a heavy sigh.

His reminders, huh? He already had reminders all around him. Reminders that lived inside him and wore Bethany’s face and crippled Father’s body, that screamed the terror of his fallen comrades at Ostagar, all haunting his nightmares. Every letter he received from his brother. Every thought about Mother that brought the reality that she was gone, and he’d never see her again. Memories of fleeing Lothering as it crumbled. All the little things he tried to ignore because he refused to keep mourning what he and Merrill had.

But… he understood what the Commander meant.

“And I think you and this friend of yours have a lot to discuss.”

“Do we?” he asked dryly. Merrill didn't want anything to do with him now; she made that loud and clear.

With another bump to his shoulder, Rosalie nodded over across the fire to beyond the camp where two familiar figures approached. DeeDee took the opportunity to escape her lap into Carver’s, long ears standing alert as she sniffed the air.

“You’ll have plenty of time to think about it,” Rosalie said, arm raised to greet Sigrun and Zevran. “You have a long journey ahead of you yet.”

Right. Getting back to Kirkwall wouldn’t be a short trip, but he had the coin to make the journey easier. At least this time he wouldn’t spend two weeks in a stuffy ship of refugees. At least DeeDee seemed to like the traveling they did, though how the people of Kirkwall would react to seeing an aggressively protective nug, he didn’t know.

“Look who I finally found!” Sigrun called. “For a while there, I thought he might’ve fallen into a sinkhole or something.”

Zevran laughed, hand pressed to his chest. “It wouldn’t be the first time, but alas, it turns out it’s far easier to break into Weisshaupt Fortress than it is to break out. Who would’ve thought? Usually it’s the other way around.”

“You had our expertise to help get you in,” Sigrun offered with a grin. “Seems that you’re not so sneaky on your own. Or competent.”

“Madam, you wound me!”

“Huh? Whazzat?!” Oghren jerked up, thrashing with drool matted in his beard. “Where are they?!”  Whipping around, recognition slowly spread in his eyes, and he relaxed. “Oh, s’just you.”

“Please, please, my stocky little friend, don’t get too excited at my return,” Zevran snickered, dropping a bag down on the ground. “I know how hard it is to contain yourself. You must’ve been sick with worry at my delay!”

“Bahh!” The dwarf managed to heave himself up to make a rude gesture toward the grinning elf. “I wipe my ass with worry, elf!”

“Smooth, Oghren,” said Sigrun, plopping herself down beside Carver and pulling off her helm. DeeDee eyed her, a cautious noise in her throat as if she believed she was the most intimidating creature in the desert. But Sigrun was hardly deterred, instead giving the nug a quick pat on the head before jerking her hand away with a giggle. One wouldn’t think it, but nugs can bite pretty hard.

Oghren wiggled his brows. “Heh, you’re smooth.”

“Ugh.” Sigrun rolled her eyes, holding her hand out to the nug as a sign of peace, telling DeeDee, “And just like that, I wish I fell into a sinkhole.”

 “Oh yeah? Y’know, ol’ Oghren can show you a real—”

“Oghren,” Rosalie snapped, shooting him a stern warning. The dwarf promptly shut up with only a further small grumble.

There was some strange comfort found in the fact that while Carver wasn’t always the most charming flirt or some suave womanizer, at least he wasn’t Oghren. He almost felt sorry for the man and both of his failed marriages… until he opened his mouth. The Commander seemed to be the only one he’d listen to when told to shut up.

“Come now, put away all the sour looks,” said Zevran, rummaging through his pack and shooting a smile at Carver. “I understand we’re to part ways soon, yes? I came across something terrifying yet intriguing among the racks when I crossed through the cellars on my way to the archives, and thought to myself, ‘Why, this could lead to a great many mistakes, potential trysts in the sand, and headaches in the morning. I must take it! This will give our rugged warrior something to remember us by while he’s off galivanting without us!’”

A dark, glass bottle with a worn, burgundy label was brandished for the group to see. Oooh’s sounded from the group. But, Of course, this piqued the interest of Oghren the most, who sniffed at the air as if he could tell what the unopened bottle contained through that snout of his.

Carver eyed the bottle. “Is that…?”

Sigrun clapped her hands together, startling DeeDee. “It is!”

“Fine dwarven ale!” Zevran laughed, admiring the bottle. “Old, too, given the layers of dust I had to blow away and how the label crumbles off at the touch.”

“Well, shave my ass and call me a nug!” Oghren hollered gleefully. “You actually did something of worth, elf!”

Rosalie scoffed. “Yes, because infiltrating Weisshaupt Fortress was a small feat.”  

Oghren gave a dismissive wave, then gripped at the air for the bottle like a hungry baby. “Whattya waitin’ for? Give it here!”

“Ah, ah, ah, I think not,” Zevran wiggled a condescending finger at the dwarf. “I did not steal this for you, my smelly friend.” The agile elf circled around the group to hand Carver the bottle with a wink before settling down beside Sigrun. “If anyone gets the first drink, it’s our dear friend who we must tragically part from soon.”

“But—but… augh,” Oghren conceded, though reluctantly. “Fine. But don’t go drinkin’ it all!”

“I don’t think you have to worry about that,” the Commander laughed. “One shot of that will knock you on your ass.”

“Hah! Maybe for a dainty little elf!”

Heavy in his grip, the black liquid inside sloshed thick against the glass, and while he couldn’t smell it, Carver still felt like gagging. Dwarven ale—nasty shit, like a sickly skunk pissed in a bottle of wine. Made the memory of the swallow at the Hanged Man seem luxurious.

Yet he couldn’t contain his wide, dimpled grin.

“Thinking of me, were you?” he asked Zevran.

“Your figure tends to dance across my mind at inopportune times, I admit,” the elf teased back.  “It is such a shame that once you depart, the only ruggedly handsome shoulders I’ll have left to admire are the ones in my memories.”

“Pfft,” Carver attempted to shrug that off, but the flattery flushed the tips of his ears anyway. “Sorry, Zev, it’ll take more than this to sweet talk me.”

“Is that so?” Zevran smirked. “I will keep that in mind.”

“Hey!” interjected Oghren impatiently. “If you two girlies are done paintin’ each other’s nails, let’s get drinkin’ already!”

“Keep talking, ass face, and I’ll let Sig down the whole thing,” threatened Carver.

“You wouldn’t!”

“I would!”

“Ooooh, can I?” asked Sigrun gleefully. “Bet I could do it all in one gulp!”

“Heh, there’s a woman after my own heart.”

It’s amazing how quickly the man could switch from temper tantrum to perverted in a blink of an eye.

With a dubious look toward the Commander, who gave Carver an encouraging nod, he uncorked the bottle. The sickening scent was like a fist to the face, and DeeDee made an offended squeal as she attempted to knock the bottle from his hand.  

“Ah, as foul as I remember,” Rosalie recoiled, leaning away from Carver and coughing. “It’s like I’m back at Tapsters.”

“Maker, when was the last time we had this stuff?” he cringed, keeping the bottle in the air away from DeeDee. “After Ivun’s Joining?”

“Poor guy,” Sigrun said, snatching up the protesting nug to hold her close. “Made him drink darkspawn blood, then he survives only for us to give him a mug of dwarven ale to celebrate. I'm surprised he didn’t flee then and there. Or die, I guess.”

“Aye, that was a good night,” chuckled Oghren.

“I heard one of the groundskeepers found you face-down in the gardens in nothing but your smallclothes the next morning.”

“Heh heh, sure gave that old hag a good scare.”  

A disappointed sigh from the Commander.

“It was worth celebrating,” added Carver, growing solemn. “We finally had someone survive the Joining in… Maker, months? A year? I think it was well deserved.”

A murmur of agreement from everyone, then all eyes turned to him, anticipating the first sip of the bottle. A short sniff of the rim was enough to burn his throat. While he wasn’t as familiar with the ale as the dwarves were, Carver never forgot the taste or the way it burned his guts the first time he tried it.

“On the march to Ostagar, one of the soldiers in my unit brought a whole keg of this to camp,” he began. “Never heard of it before, but everyone said you had to be tough to stomach it.” Carver’s confidence faltered a little. “I was barely eighteen. Never had anything more than cheap beer before, but I wanted to impress all the older soldiers so they’d take me seriously. When it was my turn, I chugged down a full mug without stopping.”

Rosalie shook her head knowingly. “Oh no.”

“They were amazed until I vomited in the bushes.” Luckily, he built up a better tolerance since then, so Carver raised the bottle in a toast; “To a successful infiltration of Weisshaupt, and to finding our cure.”

One gulp. A second.

Everything inside him wanted to die a death even the taint couldn’t fathom.

Cold sweat perspired on his skin, and his heart raced.

A gagging cough.

“Gah, fucking void!” he choked.

All around him a joyous laughter erupted, and Carver found he was laughing through the pain, too. For good measure, as if his guts didn’t hate him enough, he took another swig.

“Shit! That’s—” he rasped, coughing. “That’s… pretty weak shit.”

Oghren threw his head back with an obnoxiously loud chortle. “Atta boy! Looks like you do have some stones on ya, after all!”

“Ha! Just for that, I’m drinking the rest!”

“What? HEY! PASS IT HERE, NUG-HUMPER!”

The bottle eventually made it Oghren, but not before the others had a taste, with Sigrun nearly downing the rest out of pure spite. She was nice enough to leave him an amount that wouldn’t even get DeeDee drunk. And yes, he pouted and grumbled for the rest of the evening before retiring to his tent.

Sleep didn’t come as easy to Carver as it did the drunken dwarf. Some nights were better than others, depending on where the day took him. Though the ale in his belly helped, it did little to fend off the anticipation of morning, nor did it keep his mind from wandering.

Kirkwall awaited him. A whole month spent living in an estate with his brother, being… normal. Whatever that meant. Familiar places and faces…

As he lay there in his tent, DeeDee curled up at his side, a murmur escaped his lips.

“I am a Grey Warden. I’m a damn good warrior. Let them see me as such.”

And let Merrill…

“Hang what Merrill feels. I don’t care anymore.”

A huff from DeeDee.

“I don’t care.”  

Maybe if he said it enough, he’d believe it.

[nawilla]

Fic Excerpt: Yoda and Obi-Wan discuss sensing the Force

Here’s another excerpt from the story with Yoda and Agri Corps Obi-Wan.  While waiting for an appointment, Yoda and Obi-Wan discuss sensing things in the Force.

* * * 

“What are you looking for?” Obi-Wan asked after the droid had left.  “If the missing padawan was captured and sold, they probably won’t still be here.  The mines here are shift mines.  Everyone goes home at the end of their shift.  Xanatos sent me to a residential mine in the ocean.  The miners live there and don’t leave, so it’s easier to keep slaves hidden if they can’t leave.”

“Feel for Force traces I want to,” Yoda explained.  “If taken the padawan was, strong feelings they might have had. Imprint on the location this can. Learn something we might.”

“I hope you can sense something, Grandmaster,” the boy told him solemnly.

“Feel anything you have from a place?” Yoda asked, knowing such impression were often from the Unifying Force, not the Living Force.

“Here on Bandomeer, or ever?”

“Hmm, both.”  

“Oh.  I don’t recall any strong impressions here, but I did a few times when I lived in the Temple.  There was a creepy cold spot in a training room that no one liked to work in when I was an initiate.  Some kids said it made them cold, some kids said it made them dizzy, and some of them just seemed to get anxious, but they didn’t always realize it.  The docents always wanted me to work there during classes, and I would get weird feelings and dreams if I stood there for too long.  I used to tell them, but the docents just told me to just do it and not complain.  Master Ludi always put me somewhere else when he would arrive after the warmups, and finally he had the staff paint the floor and told the docents not to have anyone use that spot.”

“In the initiate salle this is?” Yoda asked.  “Near the storage closet?”

“Yes,” the boy confirmed.  “In the back row.”

“In the bad dreams you had happened what did?”

“I would be in that spot, not just the room, but that spot.  It would be hard to breathe, and my chest felt weird, like something I couldn’t see was pressing on it, but it wasn’t the Force.  But it wasn’t me, I wasn’t myself in the dream. I would keep trying to call for help but I didn’t have enough air and I would fall to the ground and the master teaching the class would be standing over me, but it wasn’t Master Ludi.  Everything felt cold and then it would get dark. Then I would wake up yelling for help, screaming that I couldn’t breathe, but I could because I wasn’t dreaming, and I was fine.”  He sighed. “It used to upset my neighbors and the form monitors, but the docents kept putting me there and telling me to stop complaining because I wasn’t that sensitive, and it shouldn’t bother me.”

“Make anyone use that spot they should not but feel it the docents cannot. Die there an initiate did, many years ago.  Sense it the initiates can.”

“What happened?”

“Rilley her name was.  Got a bad cold she did, but gotten better we thought she had.  A rare complication she developed.  Attacked her heart the virus had, but obvious this was not.  Return to training she did.  Told to go easy she had been, so stand in the back she did, so if go slower she did, mess up her classmates’ rhythm she sould not.  Worked for several days she did, but weakening she was, getting better not.  One day, too much her normal exercises became and take it her weakened heart could not. Fail suddenly it did, little warning there was, and fall to the floor she did, struggling to breathe.  Lost consciousness there she did, and bring her back the healers could not.  Her last waking moment there was, even if officially die at the healers she did.  Try to clean the space the teachers and clergy have, but too afraid she was, left a deep scar it did.  Make you stand there the docent should have not.”

“Oh.”  Obi-Wan thought about this for a moment.  “That explains the weird dreams.”

“Students strong in the Unifying Force affected by that spot more are. Students strong in the Force sense more do.  One of my padawans asked to help with the initiate classes not, because so awful that room felt to him did.  Had him help with drills in the other salle instead we did.  Make him vomit that room would if stay too long in there he did.”

“Oh.”  Obi-Wan’s eyes were wide.  “He must have been really strong in the Force.”

“He was,” Yoda confirmed.  “Terrible dreams he would get, even as a padawan.  Explain to him I did what happened there did and stop the dreams did. Understood he did.  Afraid of the room he no longer was, but like it he never did.”

Obi-Wan was quiet for a time.  “Do you think the missing padawan died here?  Is that what you want to look for in the Force?”

“Hrmm,” Yoda looked the boy over.  “No and yes.  Think I do that dead the missing padawan is?  No. The Force telling me that is not. Think this is so I do not.  But check I must if death there was I must.  Check if something bad happened here I must.  If get impressions from this place I can, tell me much that might.”  

“That initiate that died must have been really scared.”  His voice was solemn.  “The docents never told us that story.”

“Died three hundred years ago she did.  Remember her they do not.”  

“Oh.”

[dragonedged-if]

Happy STS! Your story gets told from someone else's perspective. Whose is it?

Hello thank you for the ask and sorry for the delay :)

My story will be told by no other than my buddy N.

I mean they got a knack for it, here let me give you an example.

N can you narrate this passage in a joyful manner.

You're walking in a hallway.

"Sure thing Author!"

As I strolled down the sunlit hallway, vibrant rays cascaded through the windows, casting a warm and golden glow on everything it touched. The sunlight danced on my skin, leaving a gentle tingle of warmth in its wake. With every step, I couldn't help but feel a surge of joy radiating from within, eager to be shared with my fellow classmates.

A symphony of laughter and chatter filled the air, blending harmoniously with the soft melody of our footsteps. Excitement crackled in the atmosphere as we exchanged hi-fives and fist bumps, an unspoken camaraderie connecting us all. Each interaction brought a burst of energy, like a jolt of electricity passing through our palms, leaving behind a trail of exuberance.

Outside the hallway, a breathtaking scene unfolded. The lush green trees swayed gracefully, their branches reaching towards the sky, as if in an eternal dance with the gentle breeze. The sunlight filtered through the leaves, creating a mosaic of dappled shadows on the ground, a whimsical playground for nature's artistry.

Nicely done! Now make it creepy and unsettling.

"Give me a challenge Author!" N chuckles

As I made my way down the dimly lit hallway, my trusty flashlight gripped tightly in my hand, the silence weighed heavily upon me. The air was thick with an eerie stillness, broken only by the occasional creaking of the old wooden floor beneath my cautious footsteps.

Suddenly, a faint tapping sound echoed through the corridor, reverberating off the walls and sending a shiver down my spine. I instinctively turned my attention towards the source, shining my light upon the nearby windows. The dancing shadows revealed themselves as nothing more than dried branches gently rapping against the glass pane, propelled by an unforgiving wind outside. A sigh of relief escaped my lips as I realized it was merely nature's playful orchestra, not something more sinister lurking in the darkness.

Just as I began to regain my composure, a sharp, metallic crash shattered the tranquility that had momentarily settled upon me. The noise echoed ominously from the depths of the hallway, causing my heart to race and adrenaline to surge through my veins. With a mixture of trepidation and determination, I advanced towards the source of the disturbance, my flashlight's beam leading the way, casting eerie shadows on the walls.

Impressive, alright last one end it on a cliffhanger.

As I walked down the dimly lit hallway, a sense of unease washed over me. I had scoured every nook and cranny, desperately searching for clues and resources to aid me in my mission. Yet, no matter how I shook my head in frustration, all the lines of investigation led me back to this very spot.

Just as despair threatened to consume me, a glimmer of hope flickered before my eyes. There, on the weathered door at the end of the corridor, was an incandescent light, its soft glow beckoning me forward. My heart skipped a beat, for I knew this could be the breakthrough I had been yearning for.

As I approached the door, anticipation electrified the air. I reached out with trembling fingers, the cool metal beneath my touch sending shivers down my spine. With bated breath, I turned the doorknob, each rotation echoing with a faint click that resonated through the stillness.

Suddenly, a chilling sensation slithered up my spine, as if the frigid touch of fate itself was breathing down my neck. In the same moment, a distinct sound pierced the silence - the unmistakable click of a gun's hammer being cocked, its menacing message of danger reverberating through the hallway.

I froze, every fiber of my being on high alert. Sweat trickled down my brow as adrenaline surged through my veins. Slowly, I raised my hands in a gesture of surrender, acutely aware of the perilous situation I now found myself in.

Well that's all for now folks and I hope you enjoyed N's stories.

[pearlstarlight5]

Edit 2/12/23: I returned to the vocal synth fandom, I missed the programs, I missed my forum squad, and I missed the characters and music. And basically the tldr of this rant: I'm a temperamental artist who goes through waves like Miyazaki himself.

I'm leaving the vocal synth fandom, I can't do it anymore. I'm done being a YouTuber and I've had it with liking this or hating that just to impress some people. But it's not over for using vocal synths at all. I still want to do music and I still want to keep using vocal synths, so I will continue to make vocal synth originals away from the fandom, make instrumental stuff, and I'm interested in singing some of my songs myself. Additionally, I really want to finish Deci Mal VCCV and I'm excited to get the Solaria and Asterian's boxes.

So what has changed: I'm not deactivating anything now, but I may deactivate my forum accounts in the future. My YouTube channels stay but I'm leaving them to dry. Finally, I have discontinued public distribution of Deci Mal, she is now a private Utau again. I can't control what people do with my Utau, so it's up to whoever downloaded her to decide her future in the fandom space, but not her future in total. Her future in total is that I will continue to use her prominently. She's the mascot of my music and she's as important to me as Psya. I'll just need to engage with the fandom one more time to contact PaintedCz on using her commercially since I'm using their voicebank format and they want to be notified. I will respect this condition.

One question I have is if or when I will upload music again. If I decide to upload again, chances are I'll start a Soundcloud or turn back off comments on YouTube.

Now that the most important stuff is out of the way, I will use the remainder of this post to explain why I left the vocal synth fandom and commenting on the ethics of vocal synths in general.

Why I left

There are several reasons that I have come to this decision, some can be explained much more simply than others:

-I spent all of 2022 without a real, committed break that lasted over a week. That's not healthy for any fandom or interest. If leaving the fandom is the only way I can take a true break, that's fine by me.

-I experienced burnout or the possibility of burnout so many times and I forced myself to do something in vocal synths anyway to beat it. This isn't healthy either.

-The final straw was when I posted Time to Unwind. I already didn't feel happiness or satisfaction when it was done because I had just fought myself over the idea that I shouldn't use SynthVs in original songs, but then finding that it got barely any attention made me feel worthless.

-Related to the previous point, I was also going through a bad anxiety attack for the last week of December and while that was not the cause or the only fuel, it was a factor in my fear.

And then there's SynthV, which warrants its own section

Synthesizer V and the ethics of vocal synths

My problems with SynthV and the SynthV fandom

-Dreamtonics's samey-ness in their letter series eventually made it hard to feel anything about new releases. Last Christmas they announced a male rock voice and I literally didn't give a shit. I'm so sick of that cycle and if I don't leave now, it's gonna get worse in 2023.

-Until today, I lurked on SynthV Twitter to find news and gossip. Instead, I find psychos who are overly anal about SynthV being the superior vocal synth and want to see it enter the mainstream, especially the one with a creepy obsession with a stick figure. It's not pretty when you dislike the stick figure with that person in the room.

-Vocaverse Network goes through waves of hating SynthV and hyping SynthV. It's extremely exhausting. It also contains members who want to see it become mainstream.

My biggest concern with SynthV lately is the fear of it going mainstream because the voices are realistic. While the SynthV fandom was excited about that plane company using Solaria, I felt a sense of dread.

My problems with the idea of SynthV going mainstream are:

-More people in the fandom, more problems in the fandom

-Technology has a history of making things obsolete. Computers are more popular than typewriters, email is more popular than real letters, executives in the animation industry killed 2D animation's place in the mainstream to replace it with 3D animation. I just hope I can trust people to not let AI generated paragraphs succeed.

-So, it's true that human singers are bound by labels and corporations, but what would it say about the music industry if the singers weren't people anymore? Instead of people bound by companies, you have products bound by companies, and then what are the people gonna do? Voice the product? That's still so much less human singing than singing all those songs for real.

-And adding to the previous point if I may, for those who want a SynthV monopoly on vocal synths: if it's not okay for Yamaha to have a monopoly with Vocaloid, it shouldn't be okay to encourage Dreamtonics to monopolize the vocal synth industry with SynthV.

-And for those who do want SynthV mainstream, they act like their way of life is morally superior, but just because you're doing something, doesn't mean it's right. While SynthV is a much better compromise to the AI revolution than AI art using people's art without consent or compensation, it doesn't mean that SynthV is not a risk to the music industry as illustrated in my previous points.

-And for the argument that SynthV is better for the environment, I wouldn't be positively sure about that. For instance, does anyone know what is powering the equipment and technology required to create voice databases? For all we know, it's like saying Disney is good for the environment when their movies require a stupid amount of processing power to make. Ultimately, the first world way of life requires other people to suffer, and if you don't want anyone to suffer, you must be willing to sacrifice and suffer yourself.

Well, if SynthV's so bad, what about other vocal synths.

First, the case with Vocaloid: Vocaloid was at first the most unethical vocal synth because it was outright designed to replace humans. Hatsune Miku turned it into the doujin circle and started the movement to make it its own genre/alternative music scene instead. Basically, even if one day technology takes over the world, I see Hatsune Miku as an ally to humans willing to coexist with us.

CeVIO: Continues the doujin scene that Vocaloid abandoned.

Utau: Was designed with doujin Vocaloid in mind if you want to join but aren't rich. It is actually the most ethical vocal synth because it puts vocal synths in the hands of the people instead of corporations (one problem I have with the Vocaloid fandom is that they take Yamaha way too lightly...). This makes DeepVocal good too.

Conclusion

Let me make myself clear that as much as I ranted about SynthV, I'm not against the use of it. It does something truly amazing with technology and I have fun using it. I just fear its misuse.

If you read this entire thing, thank you for your time. I will finish this post with this closing statement:

SuperStarXD is dead

PearlStarLight5 has fled

And I will live