#or it was in the middle of the week etc which is super sad because they all sounded so cool omg but yeah 💔💔

[born-to-lose]

The social pressure of getting Facebook invitations to concerts and events by The Cool Friend 😭😭

[ablazenqueen]

15 Questions For 15 Friends

Tagged by @mygeekcorner and @playlistashton! Thanks, guys! 😊

Are you named after anyone? My middle name is my aunt (and godmother)’s name. Otherwise, no.

When was the last time you cried? I watched the Yi City arc of MDZS with my friend a few weeks ago. Anyone who knows what that means knows what that means. Yeah, I balled 🥲

Do you have kids? Not unless my dog counts. I don’t intend to ever have any either.

What sport do you play / have played? Hoo boy, that’s a broad question. Currently, I don’t play any sports and I’ve definitely never been an athlete. But if we’re including past tense, any sport I’ve done, my mom enrolled me in just about anything and everything when I was a kid. I took ballet, speed skating courses, fencing courses, golf courses, ski courses. I did drill team and marching band when I was a youth cadet, if those counts? Soccer when I was a baby, don’t remember that. I still skate every winter and golf every(ish) summer. Oh and I hike in the woods with my dog, if that counts!

Do you use sarcasm? Not super often. I tend to be too dry when I’m being sarcastic, it often comes off as rude, people don’t always recognize I’m joking, so I’ve gotten into the habit long ago of not risking it 😅

What's the first thing you notice about people? When I meet someone new? The way they interact with me. Whether they’re kind or condescending or dismissive or attentive, etc. The first thing I register about a new person is how I think they feel about me, whether I think they think I’m worth their time or not. Basically, my initial assessment of anyone is always “friend?”.

What's your eye color? Blue! I’ve been told they’re my most defining feature 💅

Scary movies or happy endings? 1000% happy endings. I’m really not a fan of horror media because it usually ends sad, with everyone dead and anyone living severely traumatized. Not big on that. I DO, however, love horror with a happy ending! Uncommon as that unfortunately is.

Any talents? I can play the flute and the ocarina! That’s probably it though, I don’t have many fun skills 😅

Where were you born? In Canada! 😊

What are your hobbies? Writing, playing the flute, attempting to learn new instruments, gaming, DND. Movies! I love movies with my whole entire heart! I recently got back into reading, which was a huge passion of mine in high school, but something I stopped having the time or attention span for in my uni undergrad. I’m a bit of a workaholic so I don’t tend to have time for much beyond my work/studies 😅

Do you have any pets? Yes!!! My angel boy!!! He’s a dog, hyper little Australian Shepherd! I love him so much!

How tall are you? 5’5 ft, 168cm!

Favorite subject in school? Creative Writing back in high school! In uni, probably the Criminology course I took in my undergrad.

Dream job? The answer to this varies pretty much every single time someone asks me. But currently, it’s what I’m doing right now: Criminal Law for Legal Aid.

Tagging @fairlylokai @okaybutlikemakeitgay @arisprite @gaym3bo1 @sparklyeyedhimbo @soyellowcurtainsthen @plaudiusplants @non-binarypal7 @xagan @pigeonriot @shannankle @funyasm @thisautistic @meglaroque @dribs-and-drabbles if you guys want!

[hotwaterandmilk]

im sad to hear you had a bad week, hope the coming days are better to you!!! :D what stuff have you been reading / watching ect. lately??? u always have such good taste id love to hear abt it :3

Thank you, you're too kind! I'm hoping things improve, but even the bad days are easier now I have my kitty :3

Haha I'm not sure how good my taste is, but my picks from last season are definitely:

Yuuki Bakuhatsu Bang Bravern (original super robot show that decently balanced Obari's humour and flair for the dramatic)

Yubisaki to Renren (a pretty little introduction to a pleasant romance series featuring a deaf heroine)

I also continued watching the Kusuriya no Hitorigoto anime, which isn't a patch on the novels or manga but is still an OK adaptation.

In this new season there isn't much I'm intending to watch, maybe Jiisan Baasan Wakagaeru because it's set in Aomori? Not a lot is jumping out at me right now.

In terms of reading, I've actually been pretty terrible with my reading lately. IRL has been very busy and I'm the kind of person who really needs to be in the right mood to read, y'know? I have ordered all of Gestalt to re-read when I'm up for it though, let's see how that holds up haha.

Otherwise I'm just following the usual series I mention here like Magilumiere, Oshi ni Amagami, etc. Sorry, I'm extremely middle-aged and boring at the moment ;o;

[evansbby]

Hi evansbby, I hope I don’t sound rude because that’s definitely not what I’m going for😊. I’ve been a great fan of your work and love to interact! You’re definitely one of the strongest writers I’ve seen on here and one of the extremely best writers for Chris’ characters. I get sad thinking the fandom may be a bit less than it used to be. Reading marvel fics and fics with Chris’ character was such an emotional support for me when I was stuck at home through the pandemic. It was a reliving outlet for me and I’m sure to others when everything was on lock down. Now that it has been lifted, the Avengers franchise has ended, and Chris’ isn’t playing great characters anymore, perhaps there’s been a bit of a decline of interactions with fandom blogs but there’s still people around loving and reblogging your fic and other’s blogs fics. You put in such great effort and content in your fics! And girl, you’re funny as hell and you have a great sense of humor 💖. I’m beyond lucky the universe made me click on your blog. I mean look at what you share with us! Fics that are 3k words through 14k and more! 🫶🏾! I’ve never seen anything like that in any other blog! Even outside the fandom! You’re so talented and passionate and how I wish to be able to write like you! I wanted to give you perhaps an idea ( that you can definitely ignore), with your chapters or fics that are more than 3k or even greater, you can post them by smaller chapters and you would probably get around 10 chapters or even 30 chapters a series. Perhaps in that way, your followers will read those shorter chapters and share in detail what they like from it and anticipate the next chapter every certain days of the week or whenever it would be best for you. I really hope I did not sound offensive or rude because that is not at all what I wanted, much less do that and spread negativity on your blog. I’m grateful for the time you take from your personal life to create stories to share with the world. And I’m sure you have your own system of posting your stories too so you don’t even have to read this or reply at all. I hope you have a wonderful day and I can’t wait to hate on Andy with you! I’m also sorry that you have to receive asks of when the next chapter of your works are going to be posted next. You have repeatedly implored countless of times to not ask that. Personally, I believe that’s something extremely rude to ask in a blog thats sharing their work and time writing fics for free.

Hey! I don’t think this is rude at all firstly!! Secondly, thank you for your sweet words! They mean the most to me 🩷🥹

The reason I write super long chapters and fics in general is bc that’s what I personally like to read! And everyone on here is always talking about how you should write exactly what you want to read, so that’s what I do. I personally don’t love shorter chapters where there’s like 30 parts or so bc like… idk it’s just not my preference! Whenever I search for fics on AO3 or wherever, I like the ones that have long chapters bc it just allows for you to get to know the character and to develop the character etc, and makes the smut and emotional moments hit harder! (At least for me! This is a personal opinion, not aiming to criticise shorter fics at all!!)

But like, I want each chapter of my fics to act as a cinematic story which has a beginning, middle and end. So I physically couldn’t just write a 3k word chapter, sorry 😭😭 And I honestly don’t have a lack of feedback AT ALL. Y’all are the best at feedback and it’s always super long and detailed which I think is people’s way of appreciating how my chapters are long and detailed! So I love that too!

I understand that bc my chapters are so long, that they take longer to update. But idk, I would personally rather wait for a longer chapter BUT THAT IS JUST ME 😭😭😭

[livsspecialinterests]

don't really know what I'm writing or why but it's 0350am and I'm sitting in bed unable to get back to sleep having a weird slight panic

idk whether I'm feeling a bit of a writing slump because I know that the dead should stay dead still has quite a way to go and some part of me worries that by the time I've gotten at the very least to the next big plot point a lot of people may very well have lost interest in the fandom

like I know it's silly because there's probably always going to be some sort of fandom around BJTM but this little community means so much to me and has meant so much to me during a really difficult and life altering time, I mean for gods sake I started writing fics to try to figure out my own meltdowns

plus at this point I really have no other strong interests, idk maybe I'll get super into Doctor Who again with the specials and the new series starting but I've really gone hard on the One Interest

I really love the last few chapters of the dead should stay dead but it's felt a bit different writing them. maybe it's because I feel a little guilty spending whole days on chapters when I've got so much that I need to do for work (I know it sounds sad but there's exams, portfolio etc), plus I'd really like to give writing original fiction another go

there's also that gnawing fear that the fandom is going to like... vanish, which again is probably not true in its entirety but once the tour ends I can see some people falling off or finding another thing

also people leaving or drifting away from the fandom is a completely okay thing to do I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad if that's what they want to do

it's also not to say that people are obliged to engage with or comment on my fics or hell even read them, of course no one *has to* do anything in fandom it's a bunch of people just having fun

I know I should just write for my own fun and enrichment but external validation is nice, okay? plus these past few weeks the external validation and thinking 'no, I want to write this for the people who are reading the fic and want to know what happens next' have been big motivators

my main motivator used to be this absolutely unstoppable creative drive and love for the show and it's characters (which is still there, I'm unfortunately going to love this silly show until the day I die I think) but this past week I've found that I'd rather study for my work exams than spend time writing a few paragraphs

if I cool it off a little with the frequency of chapter updates it'll probably be a net good for me, I really need to buckle down and get these exams passed, I need to start actually engaging in planning my career because I think in my head I've been thinking I might get a book published one day and as a result I've been sort of half neglecting the actual really decent career I've got

but also my mental health is so much better, I've mostly healed from a lot of my late diagnosed autistic trauma, plus work is actually quite good right now?

maybe more of my writing for BJTM fics was motivated by being mentally ill than I originally thought, and maybe I don't *need* to write fics anymore but I want to and I want to still love writing fics as much as I did back when I was having that difficult time, where it was a huge personal comfort to be able to write Beej having a hard time in very specific ways and have other people comfort him

I have said to my husband that I'll probably cool it with the fics once I've finished the dead should stay dead and am going to focus my creative energy on something original to see where that goes but there's still so much to go on the dead should stay dead..

that silly little fic has become like my baby, I want to write it all, flesh out the characters before the next Big Thing happens, I want to do my ideas justice but I also want to make sure there are people still in the fandom to read it once I get to that point

again I'm super tired it's the middle of the night and I'm rambling, I don't want to imply that anyone reading this should carry on reading something they don't enjoy, and I don't even think the number of people reading the fic has even gone down, I've just woken up this morning full of dread for the fandom changing because, fandom and interests wise, BJTM is kind of all I've got right now.

I didn't really belong to a fandom for years after BBC Sherlock ended and I realised while watching the 4th series that it wasn't that good there was just a very passionate fan base and that's what I likes (I know, I know), BJTM was the first thing I got really into for ages and the first thing I got really into while figuring out what it was that I got *really into* stuff (autism)

obviously no one has to stick around in a fandom for the benefit of a silly autistic fanfic author whos terrified of change, and please, please don't think that's what I'm implying or what I want

ughh idk what I'm even writing, I should probably just reach out more to people but doing that is scary without the buffer of a fic

I should also probably invest more time in doing stuff irl but I know that no hobby gives me the joy that writing gives me, like when I'm really vibing with something there really are few better things for me than being safe at home and writing

also maybe I should try to get into some other stuff but I don't really want to but equally I know the BJTM fandom isn't going to last forever I just.... 🙃

the silly musical and the silly community that has sprung up around it and making art and writing fics for it has saved me in so many ways I'm just scaaarrreedddd (and also tired and typing this at 4am so I might be being dramatic for nothing, plus I know I struggle with assuming any fleeting emotion is going to last forever, maybe I'll feel different in a weeks time idk)

anyway I'm going to try to get a little bit more sleep because I've got to be up for work at 6 for my actual grownup job that I should probably pay more attention to

(this is also totally not some way to subtly say I'm not going to finish the dead should stay dead BTW, I love that fic and I'm proud of what it is and what I've got planned for it, so to the people who are still reading please don't worry 💜)

[thinehitmanagency]

THA S/O HCs (Polyam w/Reader)

*Dreadelle is not included because she’s aroace, and while I am aware aroace people can be in relationships, I don’t think she ever would be/want to be.

*DLL is also not included because he’s Silver’s brother and that’s a little weird.

*Bonnibelle uses she/her pronouns in this, but he’s a dude. Just call him whatever you want man.

General:

☆ All freaks, all weirdos. Never a moment of peace. If it’s not Cadmium constantly waking you up to tell you about a rat he ate today or show you another scar on his body (because he thinks it’ll impress you), then it’s Blaster climbing through your window in the middle of the day and getting stuck or & calling you to tell you about how she almost crashed her van into a ditch.

☆ Unknwn is immediately attached to you. He knows everything about you already, since he’s a hacker, but you’re so much better in person. So unfortunately you’ll have to deal with his greasy ass all the time, but it’s all in the name of love.

☆ Briar works vigorously in his garden to grow flowers specifically dedicated to you: alstroemerias and red chrysanthemums aplenty. He will spend hours outside, telling you it’s literally nothing and it’s not that important, even though he cares about taking care of your flowers more than anything in the world.

☆ Blaster doesn’t have any money to buy you gifts or take you to any expensive places, but he will give you his broken belts. Belts that were made from scratch and not very reliable. He makes you a few necklaces out of string and the teeth of a dead animal, since it’s a craft he’s been practicing for a while and he knows he’s good at it. On the common occasion he can’t fit some of his clothes anymore, he just hands them over to you and says “put them to good use; they’d look better on you than they ever did on me.”

☆ D011in7 likes to live in your phone and talk to you about random shit. He sends you little reminders about eating dinner, showering, taking a walk, etc. He’s only that nice to you and even then the bar is in hell.

☆ Silver just gives you a bunch of money. He doesn’t know how to convey that he loves you any better than that. His parents did that for him and he thought it was pretty efficient, so why would he not do it for a person he loves? He makes sure you always have the best, even if it’s the small things.

☆ Some will always have more unorthodox ways of showing their affection for you— G.L., Bonnibelle and Zinc especially. Bonnie always wants to show you something new that she made or tamper with your things or go on a rant about the ethics of creating a death ray… which you just nod and listen to her about because you have no idea what she’s talking about.

☆ Zinc likes to watch you sleep. He wishes he could sleep just like you. It’s nice to sleep, isn’t it? Do you have dreams? He wants to dream one day.

☆ Anyways it’s super weird and sometimes you wish he wouldn’t do that. But Zinc doesn’t know what’s socially acceptable or not, and it might break his heart to hear that he’s not being as human like and normal as he wants to be.

☆ G.L. often reads stories to you and then proceeds to almost fall asleep in the middle of it, because he hasn’t slept in a week. He studies you like one of his test subjects, which is pretty creepy, but he swears it’s for good reasons. He totally doesn’t have all of your medical records in his lab. That would be preposterous.

☆ Jamie is just happy you’ve acknowledged his presence. He’s a starving man, he’ll do anything for just a little bit of affection. He’s a sad, broken man. People barely acknowledge him. It might look weird that an invisible guy is holding your hand, and people probably won’t believe he’s a real person, but it’s better than nothing.

☆ & likes to take you on road trips. See the sights. Kiss. Make out. Take pictures. She’ll spend all her hard earned money on you, spoiling you and buying whatever your heart desires. Then she’ll be completely broke by the end of it, and she’ll run out of gas, and you’ll both have to push her van all the way back home.

☆ Cadmium will try his best to not… be himself. You can watch movies together! He’ll resist the urge to bite into you like a piece of raw meat. Or you can teach him how to read! Or you can tell him about the solar system! Or you can tell him what the word Cadmium means! He can even teach you a few things too… like how to eat wood!

☆ Silver hates when people look at his face, so he’s not very confident in it. Unlike Unknwn, he doesn’t wear a mask or freak out when others even happen to gaze upon him, but he’s never had much confidence in the way he looks. So he’s shy when you see his face and probably even more flustered if you think he’s handsome.

☆ Blaster still gets pissed the fuck off when he sees certain people around you. He doesn’t care. He hates G.L. He hates D011in7. He hates Unknwn. He can tolerate &, but finds her very annoying. He doesn’t even want to see Briar anywhere around him, otherwise I fear he may do unforgivable things. He will likely be the man around you the most, since he’s very paranoid about anything and everything bad happening to you.

☆ D011in7 will never leave you the fuck alone. He is SO annoying. You’ll have to kill him to get a moment of peace—though unfortunately, he cannot die. You could destroy your computer, but he’ll jump into your TV and start making fun of you and “your puny inhumane treatment of him.” He is so overdramatic. Can you give his screen a kiss so he’ll shut up?

[starlight-shades]

tag gamerules: favorite: movie, hobby, animal, character, color, place, season, album, food

movie: I'm one of those people who doesn't have just one favorite anything. But I tend to rewatch Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron every now and then (it was def my fave for a bit when I was a kid). I used to make my dad watch it with me whenever he stayed home to watch me when I was sick.

hobby: Does drawing count when it's what I went to school for? If not, I'll go with reading. Love a good bit of escapism. I love storytelling more generally in all sorts of forms (i.e. movies, TV, games, etc), but reading was definitely what got me started. Recently I've been reading a lot of fanfiction. Last year I kept track of all the books I read and I ended up with the insane number of 534 books read.

animal: I'm a big fan of hyenas. This is another one where I don't have just one favorite, but hyenas are where I'm sitting right now. I think that they're really neat for a variety of reasons. They're matriarchal which is super cool, and they were used in medieval bestiaries as a sort of example of sexual deviance because they were believed to be hermaphroditic (they aren't, the females just have external vaginal canals that look like a penis- it makes giving birth as difficult as you think it does). I think they're a really cool example of how nature doesn't give a fuck about human ideas of how sexual dimorphism (and subsequently gender) should work. I tend to gravitate towards animals that media tends to use as shorthand for evil bc I think it's lazy and irresponsible (I also love sharks).

character: Ghost. I do too much projecting for it not to be him. I'm deep in my COD era (this is a COD blog after all). He's just this big beefy man who is deeply traumatized and has trouble trusting people and developing deep relationships. What's not to love?

color: It's maroon. It is maroon, it has been maroon, it will always be maroon. IDC that I surround myself with pastels. If it has to be one color and not a palette, it's maroon.

place: the aquarium <3. It's just so calming (when the children are not screaming, but we listen to the children scream because they're excited and it's good for them and we're an adult and can wait until they move on so we can watch the fish in the quiet). Every now and then I'll take a day in the middle of the week when school is in session to go to the aquarium or the zoo by myself. I like watching the animals, and I don't feel bad about sitting and drawing them for like 30+ minutes when there aren't any other people who's view I'm blocking.

season: spring. When it's easiest to spend time outside. It's not too hot, and if it's chilly I can throw on a sweater. I like sitting outside in the afternoon sun and reading poetry out loud. Makes me feel like a fairy.

album: star-crossed by Kacey Musgraves. That album came out around the time I had to put down my cat, and I would just listen to it on repeat and cry. It's got a very specific grief+nostalgia combo that really hits me. It's still one of my go-tos when I need a good cry. I have playlists for when I'm happy, but that album has a special place in my heart. 'if this was a movie..' and 'camera roll' are probably my favorite songs off of it.

food: this one is hardest I think. My family is Not Great at expressing feelings, so I ended up with food as a proxy for love and care. And both my parents draw from a pretty diverse set of culinary practices for various reasons, so I've inherited it. When I'm feeling homesick, I'll cook Italian. When I'm sad or missing my brothers, I'll cook Korean. When I miss my mom, I'll make Turkish. As I'm writing this, though, I'm thinking about dumplings.

TY to @soapsdish for the tag. Idk why the formatting did that.

I don't really have any other moots I know well enough to tag, but feel free to do this if you'd like!

[som3guy]

Tell me your interests *Blink blonk* :]

guuuuuhhhh at the moment I’ve been in interest purgatory (only having day long hyperfixations besides a few personal projects) but the little interests I’ve had (and some of the overarching ones) aaare:

-writing!!! I’ve loved writing ever since I was a little lad (and not very good at it) I’ve just got a lot of stories to tell and a lot of works I like to edit. I like to think I’m good at critique and storytelling maybe

-My Life the Musical by Maryrose Wood (it’s a book) THIS HAD SO MUCH POTENTIAL I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY DAY!!!!! Looping back to writing I’ve been working on rewriting this because it’s genuine insanity but it had so much potential to be great

-Bronies: the Musical (this time an actual musical) it’s all Instagram’s fault really if they didn’t put the song Sad Trombone up then I wouldn’t have started deep diving. It’s like a music lovechild of Rockabye and Be More Chill with the plot of that one Shrek the Musical song (which is to say, let your freak flag fly)

-Vast Error is kind of a reoccurring one that comes back to haunt me every so often (along with its predecessor…) because I like the art and the writing! It’s a bit of an exposition slog sometimes but overall the art is aesthetically pleasing and it’s always a fun reread

-object shows HEAR ME OUT sorry guys I’ve returned to my roots (middle school) because I’ll think for a second and then I’ll blank out and all of a sudden BFDI is playing and I’m drawing objects with limbs like I’m a seventh grader again. Yay!

-video essays, not really a standard interest but I just like watching and writing them what can I say

-theatre!!! Every time I find a new thing to perform in it’s always on my mind for the entire duration of it. (Instrumental music is in the same boat here)

-of Montreal (like the music artist) I have NOT been able to stop listening to their early albums I am SUCH a huge fan they are so whimsical I highly recommend Cherry Peel, The Gay Parade, and Coqueliot Asleep In The Poppies: A Variety of Whimsical Verse

-Gezebelle Gaburgably, also a music artist I couldn’t get them out of my head for WEEKS like I went on a spree and exclusively listened to Gezebelle for a while. Same thing happened with speedcore/gabber (SPECIFICALLY the “furry” speedcore/gabber (femtanyl, mailpup, etc) because DAMN they can make music) last week

-music in general actually I’m such a music fan I love songs and leitmotifs and all the silly things

-Celeste (game) I love a good platformer that I’m super bad at with an underlying transgender message. Hell yeah.

-horror as a genre it captivates me I strive to be a good horror writer one day even if I never publish anything

-news and journalism DESPITE how much I dunk on my journalism class (iykyk) I LOVE news and I love learning about current events and formulating opinions and politics and stuff

-any book I’ve read in the past month that I enjoyed. So like Perks of Being a Wallflower, Read Between the Lines, MLTM (to an extent), and maybe some others. Just NOT Romeo and Juliet I know it’s a play but I HATED it so much I had to read it for a class it made me want to rip my hair out

-obscure media. Don’t go around calling me a quirkster because I say I like obscure things, they just float to me. I’m like that meme of Marge Simpson holding a potato, I just think they’re neat. The way I worded it is also an oversimplification cuz I don’t like it for the obscurity this is just so it lumps everything together so you don’t have to read more because I am a gabber and will not shut up if given the opportunity

Guuuuhhhh sorry this was a lot of yammering on my end

[idiolex]

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first of all hi, my name is idiolex, or literally any of the other names i go by (there are many), call me lex if you want something shorter i guess? i write on ao3, and uh. that's basically it LMAO. here's my linktree for anything else you may desire.

i'm new to this whole actually-organised-blog thing, so this may be a bit messy, sorry if i've done anything wrong!

all posts will be tagged with their respective fandom tags: our flag means death, hannibal, harry potter, mcu, etc, you get it

all posts relating to any of my fanfics will be posted under the abbreviation of their titles (because i have. long ass fucking titles), so, for example, don't meet in the middle would be #dmitm. any fics with 3 words or less will just be tagged with their title :3 (title tags only get added to the tags of this post if/when i actually post about that fic)

#idiotlex - shitposting of any kind. probably largely about fandom

#parasocialex - chatting about my personal life, basically anything non fandom related

#analysis - talking about Actual Stuff about the shows, being a lil bit more serious

#uh oh im being super pretentious again - is what is sounds like. any kind of poetic anything + any time i'm getting too up my own ass about media analysis

#idiowips - i'm working on stuff. i'm working on stuff and complaining about it, mostly. i'm working on stuff and screaming about how sad i'm making myself, quite a bit.

#comment of the week - i'm trying this out so fingers crossed ill remember, but just my fav comment i've received in the week :D

#ao3 - anything funny i find on ao3 lol

#asks - is self explanatory tbh

#statistics - any cool graphics from or responses to my google form of people who read my shit, which is here if you're interested!!

okay rant over, enjoy the tumblr, bye bye!!

(tags are all on this post for easy searching)

[ladysammymblog]

I am struggling, however I've only given into this belief system about 3 weeks.

My life has improved since I've started meditating, journaling, and positive affirmations. Listening to frequencies trying to align my chakras etc.

I've met a guy I would love to have in my life but he hasn't been available to me since our first date. He said he likes me, just needs some time to "recoup". He's a middle school teacher and it's exhausting, I can't even imagine how insane it must be. I sympathize, I check my ego, my wounded child, he assures me he's interested. But I still question his loyalty. I don't want to, but why wouldn't he see anyone else? He's no friend of mine.

My patience is being tested like never before. I'm going to attract and no longer chase, I am trying to go no contact, leave him to ponder.

Today is the day of love and I'm full of melancholy for my heart long's for him and he's gone silent without even a happy valentine's day sticker or gif.

I grieve for my disappointment, i mourn for my unfulfilled yearning. These feelings are low frequency. My anxiety of being ghosted and abandoned are low frequency. It's weak feminine energy. Not when I've finally awakened and realized who I truly am can I still have these sentiments right?

To answer these questions I'm gonna add the number and my answer.

1. I do have limited beliefs on how long it should take. I am still working on truly believing in myself and my power.

2. I spend a lot of time looking for ways to incorporate manifestation practices into my daily life, so far it's been listening to frequencies at night. The "I Am" app instead of TikTok during the day, journaling my thoughts and tarot cards for guidance. When it comes to actually manifesting something i don't think I've been doing that, maybe I don't know how? Do I tell it to myself in the mirror, I've tried to "lie" to myself into thinking I'm gonna get what I want which is this boy rn. 😂 Then my mood changes and I'm back to sadness and despair.

3. 😂 No I haven't asked why isn't it here, i did pray for a nice boyfriend and I feel like I met him and I was practicing a lot of gratitude for like a week now but I feel like I'm losing him when he's not texting me or calling. I feel like he's giving me breadcrumbs and saying he's just super busy and tells me everything in full detail and I'm inclined to believe him.

4. i don't know what the 3d is.

5. I don't know what you mean about the old story. Maybe if I'm living in the past a lot then yes, i feel like it's my way of survival to not fall for the same traps. To be in the Divine Fem energy one must treat every day as if it's sacred and let go of the past and heal from these wounds that make me feel sad and dependent on someone else's attention to feel secure.

6. No I think I have to hold on like the hanged man.

7. Yes of course I've been a living victim my whole life now I'm trying to change that but it's hard. My crush is not responsible for me he has no obligation to text me, he does it because he wants to and I'm very grateful.

8. Yes i worry about the outcome all the time. My mother said not to and have complete faith. If I need rest, to take it unapologetically. Truly believe the outcome will be positive.

9. No, this is a solo gig.

10. I do but I need the tips to make me feel like I'm doing it right and it won't fail....🤯 Instead of just doing it and believing it will no matter what 🤯🤯🤯🤯

11. I'm really trying to 🥺❤️‍🔥

Thank you.

if you are struggling to manifest, ask yourself these questions!

reminder: you are limitless!

do you have any limiting beliefs regarding the amount of time it should take to manifest?

are you taking more time consuming loa content than actually manifesting?

are you asking other blogs why it isn’t here yet?

are you checking the 3d, and then reacting to it?

are you thinking or talking about the old story?

do you think that because you spiraled you “failed” and should give up?

do you often enter a victim mindset? that someone else is responsible for you?

do you worry about your circumstances, making you doubt that your desire will come?

are you demanding other people to manifest or go into the void FOR YOU, instead of doing it yourself?

are you watching tiktoks that say you’re required to do xyz in order to manifest?

do you TRULY realize your power, that you create your reality, and that it can change at any moment the moment you say it will?

[lyonfreddie]

prolonged wailing and gnashing of teeth under the cut!!!

let me just preface this by saying that i never get super personal on here anymore but i really just need to vent!!!!

i love my job mostly because i love my coworkers. i work in development/fundraising at a pretty big museum and our team of 5 is all a bunch of young professional women with Good Taste and Witty Banter. like we are all successionpilled. i would hate my job so much if i didn’t work with these people. last week, my favorite coworker announced she was moving to another city and got a job there to be with her long-distance fiancé (he got a tenure track job and obviously... cannot move lmao), and i was SO SAD because she is SO COOL and SO POISED and i want to be just like her, but i took comfort in the fact that we would still have 4/5 of our lovely team still together.

and then my boss pulls me aside first thing this morning and tells me SHE’S LEAVING TO LMFAO

like. i’m literally going to go insane. after march 16, our team of 5 will be a team of 3, and we won’t have either a leadership giving manager OR a membership manager. i print member cards and assemble renewal/new member packets once a week each week as my Big Project but before my boss leaves she’s going to teach me how to do pretty much everything she does that she hasn’t taught me yet. which is really, really nice of her, and also kind of a vote of confidence—i seriously doubt she would take another job if she wasn’t absolutely sure she was leaving her membership program in capable hands. 

my boss is the best boss i’ve ever had. she’s so organized and she knows everything about our museum’s institutional history because she was working there before it was even built. she has always given me clear instructions and honest feedback and she’s just so, so funny. she’s great. we’re practically the same person and have the same interests. and i still have so much left to learn from her. it almost feels unfair that she’s leaving, but i’m an actual adult now and i know this is the correct career move for her. she’s not even going that far. she’s going to work at another museum that is like 800 feet away from us.

but i’m still SO fucking sad. i’ve been crying on and off all day, including at work, where i had to hold it all in. the major gifts officer saw me at the printer and was like ‘you must be feeling sad, huh’ and all i could say was ‘yeah’ and she patted me on the back and i almost lost it in the middle of the office. like... GOD

it’s so embarrassing. i pride myself on being very cool and calm and collected, and the rest of my team always tells me it’s nice how i’m so calm all the time, especially when we’re running events. but i literally walked home today and then sat on the floor of my apartment and bawled for 5 straight minutes until i was out of breath. lol. i am going to be a wreck for every single bit of their farewells and it is not going to be pretty. i’m so sad. i’m so scared. what the fuck.

i’ve also just like... been On Edge for the past week or so in a way that hasn’t really manifested since grad school. my first semester of grad school was when i developed really bad anxiety that only manifested as physical symptoms—nausea, diarrhea, constipation, loss of appetite, insomnia, weird painful muscle cramps, etc. to the point where i literally thought i was on the verge of death! i’ve been reading a book about the salem witch trials and couldn’t help but notice that the “fits” described by the “afflicted” were weirdly similar to how my anxiety jumped out, save for, like, hallucinations. it’s a good book and i want to finish it but just thinking about the similarities almost gave me a panic attack one night... which is crazy. and then i woke up this morning and found out my stupid hemorrhoid is flaring up again. which, in retrospect, just seems like an omen. lmao.

if there is any silver lining to this at all, it’s that there is a possibility i may be promoted to membership manager. i’m currently at the coordinator level, but when my boss broke the news to me, she said that we’d be working with our external membership consultant (who i’ve met! she’s great.) to help keep renewal notices and regular mailings going out. presumable until i’m up to speed. i’ve been at this museum for over a year, and full-time for 7 months. they might wait a few months, until i get closer to a year as a FT employee. or they might just hire a new boss for me. i’m ok staying at the coordinator level for a little while longer; it’s nice not having to worry a TON about budgets and financial goals. but i could probably do it if pressed. and getting a big ass salary bump would be nice.

if you made it all the way to the end, thank you for being cringe with me 🤝 the reason this is here and not in my journal is because there was clearly too much to put into my journal without having my hand cramp up. i’ll be ok. i’ll get through this. but it’s gonna fucking suck 😭

[call-it-living]

in contrast to my last post, I am having a moment of intense happiness right now!

I just wanted to document this to showcase the nonlinear experience of recovery. I have mood swings all thorughout the day, the week, and months. Sometimes they are intense. My therapist does not believe it is a bipolar disorder, as we have been working together for over 3 years. We believe it is a result of my recovery from my trauma and depression. Depression is a mood disorder, after all.

Anyway, earlier today I was experiencing some negative emotions about my past and wrote about them here to proceses them. Even though I wasn’t feeling particularly caught in a spiral when writing it, it will help me understand what I’m going through so that the next time I have a spiral maybe I’ll be able to navigate out of it easier. Understanding is power.

As for right now, I find myself alone in my room in the middle of the night. I’ve been working on my online college course and it has felt very rewarding, I didn’t expect to like online classes this much! I needed a break so I went to spotify and didn’t know what to listen to so I clicked my covers playlist. I have a lot of punk covers of pop songs, english covers of anime soundtrack songs, and just really beloved covers (Knocking On Heaven’s Door by RAIGN is a favorite). This led me to search for some new covers, which led me to explore some new cover artists. Twenty One Two are a group that do primarily punk rock covers of pop songs, though they definitely help reveal just how much rock and pop have in common already. Caleb Hyles does really fun covers of anime songs and just spirited covers of popular music. Screaming Females covered Shake It Off and it is so dynamic and just goes to places vocally that I think we all find fun but never really dare to venture into. I cannot wait to explore them more, as they have mostly original music!

All of this not only makes me super happy because of the dopamine rush of NEW NEW NEW!!! But it reminds me of the things I like! Anime is something I watch with my one friend, so it’s something I mostly experience independently. Whereas most of my other tastes are heavily shared with my sister and other family members. Knowing that I actually do have likes and loves and passions jsut ignites such happiness within me. It reminds me that I do understand pieces of myself and can find joy outside of others and my codependent family. Also, listening to lesser known artists (even if it *is* covers of the popular music i already listen to) makes me feel unique. Like, it just diversifies my music taste even more and sets me apart from codependent tastes. I also like exploring other genres through covers. It is such a fun exploration of music, because even though I usually herald the originals (aside from some exceptional renditions!!) it just satisfies a different part of my brain to hear a beloved song in a different genre and arrangement. Switching up harmonies, keys, instrumentation, and pacing all just bring new life to a song I’ve listened to death. And it just makes me super excited when a cover artist found a song to be worth covering that is a song that means a lot to me (Twenty Two One covers Wonderland by TSwift!! That seems like a rare song to cover of hers! Most cover Shake it off, blank space, love story, etc.)

tldr: recovery is not linear, and even over the course of a single day I experience the bad and good, the ugly and beautiful, the sad and the happy. The happiness is real and it get stronger and stronger each time! Just keep living, keep trying, even if you spiral and feel helpless, once you get through the spiral you will be ok. You will continue to live and have moments of bliss.

[haik-choo]

I don't write cause I feel I don't have a good grasp on the characters personalities etc, the characterisation of akaashi post is so helpful! 👀👀 Would you do kuroo or bokuto?

a/n: I hope you like both of these! again, if yall want me to do others, let me know! these are across the span of their life, so some may seem college-related and some may seem young-adulty! 

[MISCHARACTERIZATIONS OF BOKUTO AND KUROO]

bokuto kotaro.

clueless: i’ve stated this in akaashi’s post, but bokuto is extremely emotionally intelligent. he can pick up on the slightest changes in people’s demeanor or posture, he can tell if someone is sad or happy even if they aren’t good at displaying emotions. he’s not a dumbass -- and he can pick up on others’ limits and boundaries very quickly. despite his ability to read people relatively well, he has no qualms about pushing people out of their comfort zones and forcing them to do things they might hate at first, but will love later. he pushes boundaries according to your comfort level, and respects your hard limits. 

only positive: a lot of people write bokuto to be someone ho’s only happy-go-lucky, or someone who rarely gets sad (aside from his moods that are less sad and more discouraged), but I think that almost dehumanizes him. he gets back up faster than most, yes, and at the end of a lost game where everyone is crying, bokuto is dry-eyed. he’s the type to get home and plop down on his bed, face-first into his pillow, lips quivering and eyes lightly watering. there are times where he feels insecure, especially when he’s younger, just because he can tell he’s different from the rest. he has a feeling that people are put-off from his personality, he has a feeling that he’s not as (traditionally/academically) smart as everyone else, he has a feeling that some people find him annoying. that’s why when he’s near his close friends he’s very loose -- he doesn’t feel the need to hold back even a little because he knows that they love him for him. this translates to his toxic trait with his lover being that he feels dejected/insecure if you ever want space. while he can read boundaries, he would really benefit from a lover who has just as few as he, because then he can be his truest self.

love-at-first-sight: he’s not the type to fall in love at one glance, he’s just not. yes, he might get interested or you may catch his attention, but he’s not going to fall in love with someone because they have a pretty smile. it’s not that he’s calculated or over-thinks his emotions, he knows exactly what he feels, it’s just that his heart is a little slow when it comes to falling in love. he’s such an energetic all-over-the-place person that love is never really on his mind (he gets into some trouble with accidentally leading girls on because he’s so friendly). when he eventually falls in love, though....oh boy. he stutters, he’s over-thinking all his movements when it comes to you -- he’s usually impulsive but with you he really, really doesn’t want to screw up. he wants everything to go smoothly -- so he’s the type to plan out a confession and actually try to stick to it. when it comes to something like love, bokuto is surprisingly slow and careful, because he knows how fragile a heart is. 

never gets angry: i think most people like to imagine his anger is so rare because the image of an angry bokuto is scary, especially with his stature. and while it’s true his anger is uncommon (because he’s good at processing his own emotions and not lashing out at others), when he does get angry it can be pretty unnerving. he’s the type to slam his fist on the counter unknowingly when having a really bad fight with his lover, and he has a booming voice. he’d never hit someone, but he doesn’t realize how intimidating his physique is. anger is uncommon, but that doesn’t mean he’s not scary. he always apologize afterwards, though.

boundless confidence: i touched on it earlier, that he has bouts of insecurity, but again, i really want to emphasize that he’s not endlessly confident. honestly, maybe in the anime and manga he seems that way, but if you want to make him more human, have more life than a fictional character, you have to create limits or certain traits. bokuto is very sensitive, and the slightest thing can either inflate his ego or deflate it. plays in volleyball constantly not working may dig at his confidence, but he always re-inflates. in real life, outside the court, there are things that keep his confidence low everytime they happen. fights with his lover are one of these things; he’ll get jealous when they leave the apartment after a fight because he’ll worry about you finding someone more stable than him. jealousy alone is a solid sign of chipped confidence, something that someone as sensitive as bokuto gets every once in a while. 

overall, bokuto is a lot more intelligent than what people give him credit for. he’s honest with his own emotions and can read people very well, which is probably why he’s such a people person, but he still has flaws. he does not have boundless confidence or have no perception of boundaries; he’s unbelievably understanding. he may be initially insecure, have intimidating anger, etc. but ,after all, he’s human, isn’t he? 

kuroo tetsuro. 

sex god: don’t get me wrong, I definitely believe that he’s had a lover or two, especially in college, and that he’s played the field a little bit. but i don’t see him as the guy that has had sex with every person in his major. he’s a genuine guy and can’t have sex with someone he’s not emotionally invested in -- despite not being a ‘player’, he’s totally gotten in trouble with a few people because they think he’s leading them on when he walks with them to class everyday. 

intimidating: people always characterize him as this mysterious, sexually intimidating guy, but i just can’t see him as someone intimidating. if anything, he may be a little unapproachable because he has a really tight knit group of friends that he’s always with, but he’s not scary. he’s not the center of attention but he’s not a wallflower either, he enjoys observing people and watching drama play out, but he’s not silent and glaring all the time. he’s quite fun, he’s loud, and he enjoys embarrassing his friends in public. he’s the type to twerk in public and laugh his ass off when akaashi or kenma give him the side-eye and bro-kuto joins in. he likes to have fun, ya know? i don’t know about you, but a guy that twerks in public isn’t very scary, to me at least. 

prideful: I understand why people paint him as a prideful guy, he obviously likes what he does and has a personable personality, but honestly, he’s not perfect. he often has moments where he doubts himself because of his past decisions, his career one of them. kuroo is an amazing middle blocker, and his choice to go into sports advertisement rather than an actual volleyball league no doubt haunts him at night sometimes. he thinks of the ‘what-ifs’, and he dreams of what he could be. especially since his best friend is bokuto, a professional player, it’s often on his mind. it’s a super touchy subject for him, and if someone were to question his job-choice i have no doubt that he’d get really sour and distant from that person because he’s not sure of himself either. 

frat boy: he’s not someone who can’t cook, he’s not someone who sleeps at 5am everyday, hungover. he’s not the type of person to be immature in any way -- he’s got his shit together. i’m sure most people can actually see this, but kuroo is very responsible and realistic (which is part of the reason he didn’t do professional volleyball). he does his taxes, does his homework, gives out good advice, gets up early and eats everything that a healthy person should eat (in all the right proportions, too). he doesn’t even drink often, if anything he’s just a social drinker. he goes to bed at 10pm and wakes up at 6am to work out, no joke. he’s gotta keep that physique somehow. 

decisive: i know i said he’s responsible, but i don’t think that translates to decisive. i can see him having a lot of conflicting things going on in his life, different wants and different paths that he wants to take but can’t keep all open. it happens in love, his career, his college major, etc. he wants a lot in life, he wants success, happiness, a good love-life, everything. when he had to choose between volleyball and a life-long, stable career, he was broken for weeks. was he good enough for his dream? was it wise to chase his dream? would it be better to get more kids into volleyball, do what he did, what he couldn’t do? in his love life he always hesitates, too: does he see a life with them? how long will they love him? will they be able to deal with him once they see that he’s not perfect? is it worth it? it doesn’t matter if he’s in love or not, because his extreme caution can come off as very distant and unwilling to let you in, hence his toxic trait. he’s indecisive, scared, yet passionate and hard-working. 

overall, kuroo is full of contradiction. he wants a lot from life and is willing to work for it. he has dreams and tries to stay healthy and put himself out there, have fun, the whole shabang -- but he’s not perfect. he’s overly cautious when it comes to making important decisions simply because he can see a future with all of the different paths he can take. but honestly, isn’t everyone a little contradictory? 

[warriorlid14]

I kinda get the new "Peeta was poor" thing? He was never as destitute as Katniss, he always had /something/ to eat, and that is important, but he was not well off just because he had it better than the seam. And it's so odd to see people focusing on the "wealth" of the merchants, when the merchants (other than Madge's family, I think) was still poor, still working class, but not starving (though living on stale bread with the only "fresh" thing being black market meat is not a good diet)

Though I do agree that we shouldn't exaggerate his poverty! I think that point of mine got lost, that just because we bring up Peeta's poverty as a pushback toward the "Peeta was rich/well off" crowd, does not mean we should lie. He was poor, he was working class, he had a poor diet, but he never starved, he always had stale bread, and that was more than Katniss had the weeks after her dad died. He never had to rummage through trash for food, he did not suffer extreme poverty like Katniss. (2/2)

I do get where you're coming from. And I do agree that, by today's standards, at least in the US, Peeta wouldn't be considered wealthy. I'd probably put the Mellarks somewhere between working class and middle class. (I wouldn't call them poor because they are business owners).

But the thing is, in D12, working class to middle class is the equivalent of being rich/ upper middle class. They're the privileged ones. Which means that a lot of the sting that comes with poverty- the stares of classmates, having the worst clothes, not wanting people to see your home, etc., is not felt by the merchants. They're the ones turning their noses up at the Seam kids. They're the equivalent of snobbish, rich folk. And it is sad, that being adequately fed and having your basic needs met is considered rich in D12. If they had been mingling with the likes of the Careers, who are much better off, than yeah, things would be different. But in D12? Where the Mellarks can have their kids in extracurriculars, where they can afford to trade for meat with Katniss and Gale, where Peeta's dad can take on caring for Prim (probably without Mrs. Mellark's knowledge), where Peeta is described as stocky? That's considered wealthy, unfortunately.

Also, as far as I remember, the main argument about Peeta being poor is the comment he made about eating stale bread. But, honestly, it seems like bread, at least bakery bread, is a rarity in D12. Their population is about 10k and they only have one bakery. I was curious and looked at a couple of towns around that population in my state and they each had around five bakeries. And that's not counting the bakeries in grocery stores. Not to mention that bread is typically not super expensive. Even if you're really poor (in the U.S.), you can probably afford a $2 cupcake every once in a while. This doesn't really seem to be the case in D12, where I imagine that the cost of bread is much higher due to the scarcity. (On the reverse, I imagine that things like lobster or other seafood is probably cheaper in D4 than it is to the typical American).

So, yeah, if he were in our shoes Peeta wouldn't be considered well-off. Unfortunately in D12, it doesn't matter much.

[sooghostwriter]

Only on the weekends

Member/Pairing: Do Kyung Soo x OC (Nameless)

Genre/Type: Mature, Romance, AU, smut.

Warnings: Full on sexy times, pegging (NOT daddy kink, NOT kink, just good old Christian pegging).

Word count: 11001 words (yikes, a third of the fic)

Notes: This story takes place wherever you want. You will see why it would be weird to center it in Korea.

Thank you to all of you who waited patiently for this last chapter. It was hard to focus on writing because of ADHD and life, but I'm glad I could finish it because I really wanted to write this scene. Scene that was the only reason why I started this fic, that then grew up a bit too much.

Also, thank you to my dear friend @thedeviousdo. Steph, thank you for answering whenever I asked you for your opinion and for fixing everything that needed to be fixed.

Summary: She is saved by a caring man from a little mishappening in the middle of the forest. A small act of kindness turns into seasons of laughs, food, fun, care, love, and sex.

Final Chapter

-Spring-

She was driving back home when she got a call from him. She pressed the answering button, and enjoyed how his voice filled her car “Hulder, I got good news”

“Are you getting a hot tub so we can have sex al fresco?” Kyung Soo snorted and told her he was still thinking about it “Anyway, as I was saying, I have good news, I got two weeks of vacations” Those were indeed good news “You got any plans, my man?”

“No, I want to stay one week at home, I have some things to do, but I don’t have plans for the other week” She offered him an idea. She told him that he could go to the city and stay with her. She had to work, but they could go out during the afternoon, and during the day he could meet his parents, friends, go to the cinema, shopping, etc. “I like it, I really like it, so this weekend, instead of you going to my place, I’m going to you”

“Sounds great, what about Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and the rest?”

“Chanyeol, the human, can stay at my house and take care of them, I need to buy food for him…so see you this Saturday morning?”

“Or Friday night” He agreed to Friday night. So instead of going home, she went to the supermarket.

Her home was clean, the heater was on, food ready to serve and Kyung Soo was parking in front of her building. She loved how he could make her feel butterflies all over her body just by smoothly getting his jeep between two city cars.

She greeted him with a long kiss. She was so happy to have him there, in her home, and for a week. This was going to be the longest they would spend together “What if this is some kind of test for our relationship and we end up hating each other?” She asked him as she served him a plate of creamy Ricotta Corn and Tomato Ziti. He grabbed a bite and took his time to praise her cooking before answering “I don’t think I could hate you, and I’m confident that this week is going to be me going out during the day, and us having sex during the night, there are a lot of surfaces we could try” He looked around nodding and took another big bite of food “Sir, I have to work, don’t forget that”

“I already thought about it, you finish work at six, I pick you up, we go out, we come back by nine, we fuck, and you are going to be sleeping by eleven” She was giggling uncontrollably “You have everything planned uh? I like it, probably I’m not going to function properly the next day, but who cares” He also shared with her his full schedule for that week. Visiting friends, going to the cinema, buying some clothes for the summer, it was a long list “It’s going to be fun” He commented cheerfully “Yeah I’m sure, you probably need to get your eyebrows done too”

“What?” He looked up from his plate, eyebrows up, eyes wide, completely lost. She kept quiet, controlling her smile “What? What do you mean? What’s wrong with my eyebrows?” He insisted, slightly annoyed, but still amused “Nothing, they are perfect, I’m sure you spend some time at the saloon fixing them”

“Are you making fun of me?” He was less annoyed now, smiling with her “A little bit, is cute” He rubbed his eyebrows, looking up “What’s with them, they are alright”

“They are perfect, I love them” He smiled and dropped the issue. But she kept giggling about it for a while.

She cleaned the table as Kyung Soo spoke with his parents, arranging breakfast and lunch with them. They knew about her, her parents knew about him, but none of their families were particularly nosy about their kid’s private life. And they weren’t in a hurry to introduce each other to their respective families.

She had just turned on the dishwasher when he walked behind her and captured her against his chest, dropping a kiss behind her ear “Wanna use one of your surfaces?” He asked, tightening his grip around her “We just ate, what about a nice walk around the neighborhood and then you fuck me”

“Sounds perfect” He dropped a kiss on her other ear and let her go so they could get ready.

As he promised. Kyung Soo picked her up at work every single day. They went on simple fun dates and then they arrived home so Kyung Soo could have his way with her. And she could have her way with him. Their time at her place made them very creative in the matters of sex. Slow, deep and messy or fast, hard and desperate. Sex where no words were needed. Sex where they kept making sure that the other was alright with what they were doing. Whenever they fucked at his place there was hunger in their movements. The first fuck of the weekend was always desperate, a bit harsh sometimes. Now it wasn't the complete opposite. It wasn't calmer, but the pace was different. They both knew that the next evening they were going to be at the same place. Time was different. Instead of enjoying the most from each other for two days, they had eight days to doing so. Although watching time pass was terrible.

By now she knew his body like hers. She could draw him by memory, with her eyes closed. She fell in love with waking up seeing his beautiful profile and going to sleep listening to his deep voice.

He left on Monday, and she felt incredibly sad to see him go. Instead of worrying about fighting with Kyung Soo after spending a week together, she should have worried about not wanting to let him go after spending a whole week with him. She got used to their casual intimacy too soon. She was missing his hand on her back as they walked inside a restaurant. His head on her shoulder when they were having breakfast.

She loved the small gestures and the soft displays of care. Always tender, always natural, and most of the time with a message of possession. And she didn’t care, because she was the same. She knew what her eyes said when she looked at him.

Mine.

---

She wasn't very fond nor connected with nature. But she felt like celebrating the official beginning of spring.

The weather in the city was still a bit cold, but the weather at the farm was already warmer. The threes were blooming, on their way to growing fruits during the summer. Baekhyun was shedding, and brushing his hair was one of her favorite parts of the weekend.

On Saturday, Kyung Soo had an emergency at work and left for the rest of the day. She was in charge of feeding the animal and making dinner. She fetched the veggies from his greenhouse all by herself, which later got her a congratulatory kiss from him.

They had dinner outside. It wasn’t warm, but nothing that a good poncho couldn’t fix. The sky was so clean that night, that they had to stay outside and enjoy the stars.

When they finished dinner, they sat outside, covered by a thick blanket and sharing a big cup of coffee “Love, I have an idea” He offered after sipping their coffee “Let’s go to the river for a night swim” She felt the excitement in her chest. Words weren’t needed, she stood up and Kyung Soo lead the way.

The flashlight they brought was unnecessary. The moon was bright enough to illuminate their path “Isn’t the water too cold to swim?”

“No, at night is always a bit…a tiny bit warmer, not super cold”

“Kyung Soo, just say is cold”

“It’s not! I swear is not as cold as during the day” She sank her hand on the water, and in fact, it wasn’t too cold, it was just cold. She turned around to mess with him but forgot her line of thought after catching him shirtless, pulling down his pants. The sight of his pretty butt covered in black boxer briefs was the only thing that mattered now. She felt like giving it a good bite. He folded his clothes and left them on top of a rock, away from the water “Are we skinny dipping?”

“That sounds fun, but I would rather not, I don’t want a river shrimp messing with my balls” She cackled, unable to continue taking off her shirt, so Kyung Soo helped her.

So, they got into the water on their underwear. And to her surprise, the water wasn’t very cold. Slightly lukewarm was probably the right way to describe it. And the outside was colder than the water, so it was a nice contrast. Still not better than a hot tub, which Kyung Soo still hadn’t bought “You will have your hot tub, I’m still thinking where can we install it so it looks good with the whole house, and we can also have privacy” He told her when she insisted “But babe, If you don’t want one don’t buy it, I just insist because I’m annoying like that”

“Nah, I want one too, Chanyeol’s mom got one and she always speaks wonders about it when I go visit her” She arranged her body against him, hugging his waist and resting her head on his shoulder “You go visit her often?”

“She is like a second mom”

“Invite her next week then, I will like to meet her” Some weeks ago she had met Kyung Soo’s friends. Finally, he decided to share his time with her, with his group of friends. It wasn’t something she would like to repeat too often though. It was a lot of work and energy. It was a group of four guys, but it felt like a village. They all had a lot of questions, a lot to share about Kyung Soo without his approval, a lot of stories. It was fun, messy, and heartwarming. Something that they could do once a month, not more than that. After all, their time was theirs and precious. She knew Kyung Soo was careful with how he shared his time. His work, his house, his farm, and his friends. At least that’s what she saw. She wondered if, in the past, a girlfriend was able to get into that schedule “Kyung Soo, You don't get lonely here?” She began building up her question “No, I spend a lot of time alone, which I like, but also I have my friends in town and I have you”

“What about before me, what about girls?” The building up kind of backfired on her, she wasn’t expecting the displeasure she felt the moment the word ‘girls’ left her mouth. She didn’t want to imagine girls, not in his present, not in his past “Girls?”

“Mmh, yes, girls, you didn't get lonely before?” She closed her eyes tightly, feeling stupid and hating where she was going with all this “No I didn't”

“That's good” Something in her voice made him search for her face, holding her chin softly “Is this jealousy?”

“No” She denied, poorly. He called her name followed by a chuckle, but she ignored him “Well, I must say, I like it, I like this jealousy quite a lot my love” She raised her right arm to slap his chest and make him stop, but he held her wrist and pulled her to his chest, capturing her between his strong arms. It was equally annoying and arousing “I knew who to call” He confessed, serious and honest “Good for you” He chuckled, caressing between her furrowed brows “But it's different with you”

“How?” She asked not sure of what kind of answer she was expecting “You don't shy away, you ask for more and I always want to give you more” He quickly clarified that he wasn’t comparing, but rather voicing out what he liked about her “I like some things, I enjoy doing some things and I know you can give them to me” She said through pouting lips. By now she kept acting like this because she knew Kyung Soo was enjoying it “I still don’t have enough of you, and I hope you are still excited about sharing time with me”

“I don’t think I’m ever going to feel less excited about sharing my time with you Hulder, ever”

“Are we talking sex-wise or love-wise?” She blurted out, not sure why she needed the clarification “Both” She sighed heavily, relieved and happy. Despite being surprised by her own questions, she knew that she could be this vulnerable with him. That he was going to answer, and maybe ask for clarifications later “I don’t want to make promises Kyung Soo, but you know that with me, you only need to ask and I will fulfill what you want” A smirk that she could only describe as dark arose in his lips “Are we talking sex-wise or love wise?” He threw it back at her “Both”

“Anything I want?” She nodded, her mouth replicating his smile. He called her with one finger. She moved her head closer to his, his warm lips brushing her ear. The noise of the river and the threes moving over them went mute and she could only hear his voice confessing what he wanted. She couldn’t believe how incredibly lucky she was, after hearing his whispered request. Later came the shock, after really processing what felt like a fantasy “You want me to peg you?” She asked in a soft whisper “I’m sure you are experienced” He commented offhandedly as he caressed her surprised face “How?”

“The way you touch me” He shrugged as his hand moved down her back, resting on her ass. Yes, she had played with his ass a couple of times, just because it was there and she knew it would feel great. She was surprised, and grateful when he accepted the touch “Are you sure?” She let herself show some of her excitement “I am” He answered amused “It could hurt”

“Not if you are careful”

“Have you done it before?”

“Not pegging, but I have done some things to myself” She closed her eyes, taking in his confession, imagining. And of course, getting aroused by it. The image of a Kyung Soo masturbating with some toy was something that never crossed her mind before, and now was everything she wanted to see. He looked gorgeous in her head.

He tapped her thigh and blew hair on her face “Stop imagining it”

“Can I see it?”

“No…well, we will see” That was enough for her “Can I see you?” He asked raising an eyebrow “Of course! I can do it now if you want, wanna watch me?” She started pulling down her underwear “Not now, just focus on the sky and the water” He stopped her hands and arranged her between his legs, hugging her against his chest.

---

She was out of the game one weekend because of her period. But at this point that was hardly something to lament. She still went to visit him, and still indulge with the pleasurable act of cuddle him and look at him. Caress his cute little head as he rested on her chest. Look into his magnificent wide eyes as he shared stories and sweet words with her. Kissing his button nose, caressing his soft cheeks, hear the prettiest laugh and his deep voice. At night she liked to play with his hair, rub his back and kiss the moles splattered over his body.

Those ways of intimacy, just whisper to each other at night, follow him around the kitchen just because she felt slightly cold and his back was always warm against her chest. Those moments made her see that all this was way deeper than any of them could imagine or recognize.

She knew his name and his smile will linger in her mind for a long time, even if everything ended at some point.

She used those previous days to prepare for Kyung Soo’s big night, as she liked to call it. He told her to order an extra bottle of lube because he was running out of it. Request that straight up turned her on. She had to do some shopping too. She had a harness that fit her perfectly and rubbed her in the right places, so she wasn’t planning on buying a new one. She did have to fish it from the bottom of her wardrobe since she hadn’t used it in years. But she did have to buy a new dildo. Hers was too big, and she didn’t feel like sharing it. So that night after work she went into her favorite sex shop website and bought what she needed. Next day delivery.

The moment she picked up her package she began feeling nervous. And that nervousness continued the following days. Kyung Soo noticed it over their video call and didn’t hesitate on making fun of her. But after he had his laugh, he made sure she was fine with all this “You want to talk about it?” He offered, sitting down at the table and resting the phone somewhere “Of course, I like talking about anything with you”

“What’s making you so nervous?” He asked calmly “Don’t laugh, but I started feeling a bit of pressure like you are losing your virginity and I have to make it unforgettable” He was quick to tell her how silly she was between giggles “Don’t laugh! I’m being serious, I’m preparing thoroughly” That caught his attention, his cute eyebrows showing his interest “What do you mean preparing? I’m the one that should prepare”

“Well sir, if you need to know, I just got in the mail the lube you asked for, and a new dildo”

“A new dildo?”

“Yeah, I could share mine, but it’s too big” He looked curious “How big?”

“As big as you, happy?” He chuckled again, shaking his head “I see, yeah, I think it could be too much for my first time…what else did you buy?” To his disappointment, there was nothing else to show. But the banter made her considerably less worried “I love that we can just talk about things like this”

“About you buying a dildo to fuck me this weekend?” He asked, looking serious but failing and breaking into a smile “Yeah, exactly that”

“Well, I love it too, I’m sorry it's making you anxious, but don’t overthink it and don’t worry, because I’m not, I can’t wait for this Friday” If Kyung Soo was there with her, she would be kissing him by now. They kept talking, with Kyung So throwing jokes at her nervous self until it was time to go to bed, and she excused herself saying she needed a shower “Take me with you then, leave the phone on the sink and keep the curtain open”

“Keep dreaming mister”

“I’m probably going to” She stuck her tongue at him and walked to the bathroom “Are you taking me with you?” He asked excitedly. She answered with an emphatic no “I know, I’m going to leave you then, have a good night of sleep and take care, I love you, beautiful”

“I love you too Kyung Soo, take care” She hung up after sending him a kiss and left her phone on top of the toilet.

She was exfoliating her elbows when it down on her. Kyung Soo said I love you and she said it back, as natural as when she cursed at her coworkers. Just coming from her heart.

She kept washing herself, not thinking too hard about it, only smiling the entire time.

She got ready for bed with the same smile, but this time wondering about things. Things related to Kyung Soo and their confession. She was sure she loved him. Whatever she was feeling could be easily described as love. He had become someone important to her. Probably one of the most important relationships in her life. And not only romantically speaking. She knew she loved him, maybe since a while ago. And now she knew he loved her, which was what was making her so happy. And she could only feel lucky by aiming her feelings and her dedication to him.

She was glad she said it back, like that, over the phone, after a fun, short talk. Easy going in comfortable, like everything between them.

Before falling asleep she stayed a long time staring at the ceiling. Covers up to her chin, feet moving under the covers, an incessant giggle rumbling in the back of her mouth. Pure bliss warming up her body as she thought about their first encounter and everything that followed. Spending almost a year with this beautiful man, which gave her butterflies in her chest and her pussy just by thinking about him. Who always gave it to her a little nasty and a little romantic.

----

She took the highway with a furrow on her face.

That Friday, work was horrible. She was tired, hungry, and slightly frustrated. It was 7 PM, the sun was still up and spring was already showing itself in each tree she passed by. Kyung Soo called her when she was halfway to his place. She put him on speaker and immediately relaxed a bit with his hello. She was sure Kyung Soo sensed something because instead of saying something about how excited he was, how he was waiting for her, he told her to drive carefully and that dinner was waiting for her.

After parking outside his house and pet Baekhyun, she went inside his house and greet him in the kitchen. He dried his hands and walked to her with a soft smile on his lips. He opened his arms wide and she felt something pulling her. With two quick steps, she reached for him and hugged him tightly, getting slightly emotional at the feeling of his arms enveloping her. She released a long sight and nestled her head on his shoulder, hiding on his neck “Long week?” He caressed her head and chuckled when she purred with his touch “Long and weird”

“Do you want to eat what I prepared for you and get drunk with wine?” She hugged him tighter, kissing his neck “That sounds amazing, but what about our night?”

“You mean you pegging me?”

“I have everything ready, but I’m so tired, and my head it’s just not here now” Kyung Soo grabbed her by the shoulders and made her look at him “Hulder, say what you need to say”

“You better offer it” He shook his head slowly, smiling warmly “You have to say it, you always have to tell me how you feel and what you need” She wanted to roll her eyes, but instead she hugged him tighter “Kyung Soo, can we leave the fun for tomorrow?”

“Of course we can, now go wash your hands, dinner is ready” She let go of him with a bit of resistance and kissed him on the cheek. Before going inside the bathroom, she called his name “Kyung Soo, what am I?” He put down the plates, chuckling. “You are such a good girl” She covered her mouth, shrieking, and went to wash her hands.

Kyung Soo prepared a delicious Cajun chicken with roasted potatoes and listened to her rant about work, the city, and the rude neighbor. They finished a bottle of wine over dinner and they opened another one to drink outside since the night was warm. In the beginning, they laid down in different deck chairs, but soon after Kyung Soo climbed on hers. Resting between her legs and laying his head on her chest. He dozed off a couple of times, but she didn’t. She was too focused on caressing his back and kissing his head “I like how warm you feel” He commented between yawns “Kyung Soo, when summer comes and it gets annoyingly hot, can I shave your head?” He knew how much she liked that look on him, so she was sure the proposal wasn’t strange for him “Sure... Are you planning on staying with me until summer?” His voice sounded playful, even confident. But the finger drawing circles in her waist betrayed him “I'm planning on staying with you until you get tired of me” He kept quiet. And he didn’t need to say anything. She could feel his response “Let’s go inside, it’s getting cold” He got up, rubbing his eyes, and helped her get up from the deck chair. She held his hand and didn’t let go as they got inside the house “Let’s go to the forest tomorrow” He offered as he locked the door, without letting go of her hand “Sure, I haven’t been there in months, but what if we met the real Hulder?” She covered her mouth in fake worry “If we encounter her, we share her” He giggled, like always, and walked her inside the house, turning off the light on his way “Ok, but you can’t fuck her, if you don’t satisfy her she could kill you” She teased “Why wouldn’t I satisfy her?!”

“I don’t know Kyung Soo, I’m not her, I don’t know what she likes” She let go of his hand as she got inside his room “I’m still not sure about that, I still have my suspicions about you being a Hulder”

“Well my love, I haven’t kill you yet, so If I am a Hulder, I’m satisfied” He gave her one of his goofy laughs, and held her face, kissing her cheek.

They chatted for a short while before going to sleep. As she cuddled in Kyung Soo’s chest, he kissed her ear and hugged her tighter “I love you” He whispered, “I love you too” The answer came as easily as before.

That Saturday was a slow one. They went out of bed late, she went to feed the chicken as Kyung Soo prepared brunch. Around five, they packed some water and food into a backpack and they went for their planned walk to the forest. Hansel and Gretel without the drama. This time Baekhyun went with them, but on a leash, his tail wagging in happiness.

The trees were bright green or deep dark. The smell of the leaves, the sun hitting the floor and the humble wildflowers hit her nose almost violently. Her senses were always invaded whenever she visited him. In the best way possible.

Kyung Soo held her hand, probably fearing another accident in the forest. In between comments about how beautiful that flower was, or gasps caused by wildlife passing by them, they held a light conversation. As always, the topics were diverse and flowed easily. Picking up where they left when necessary. When a bit of silence fell upon them, she asked what she had been wondering since the morning but needed some build-up to finally ask “Today we are doing it right?” She didn’t need to explain “Of course, did you change your mind?” He asked with his usual calm “No! Of course not, it's just I can't even imagine how to start” He stopped walking and turned around, grabbing her other hand and holding her stare “This is how we start, we take a bath, then you leave me there so I can prepare myself and you can go prepare too” She gasped “That sounds perfect, let's go then” She pulled him in the opposite direction, but he stopped her. He let go of her hand and passed an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in for a kiss. After kissing her long and hard, he let go of her “Now we can go”. He grabbed her right hand tightly and pulled her with him, almost making her trip.

They still had some things to do around the house. But they both worked quickly.

The gate and doors of his house were locked and every single animal fed “I’m going to get the tub ready” She told him as he connected his phone to the charger “Call me when is ready then".

She filled the tub with hot water, spread some bath salts with citric scents, and only called him in when she was naked and submerged in the water. Kyung Soo came in shirtless and gasped stunned “It smells so good, and you look amazing in there”

“Come and join me” She purred, opening her legs to give him space as he pulled down his pants. He looked at her amused when she told him to sit between her legs and rest his back on her chest. He liked the idea. When she hugged him closer to her breast he sighed happily, sinking deeper in the water. She cupped some water on her hand and spilled it on his shoulders, nape, and neck. She poured some soap on her hand and started lapping his body. His muscles relaxed under her hand. His skin kept getting warmer, and he kept sighing in contentment “Are you feeling ok?” She asked him, whispering in his ear. He chuckled and laid back, pushing her to rest her back against the bathtub “Now is perfect” She began washing up his chest, rubbing his skin softly, slowly. She enjoyed that part way too much.

Kyung Soo spoke softly, chatting about small, unimportant things. His way to relax her, she was sure. But he didn’t have to. Not that she wasn’t nervous anymore. She was just growing more and more aroused. The hot water, his body against hers, touching him everywhere she wanted. His hands were exploring her thighs or grabbing hers to drop a kiss or guide them wherever he wanted them. It was impossible to be nervous or worried when distracted by him like that.

But she noticed how he started to grow a bit impatient. He was moving slightly restless, his grip on her thighs slightly tighter “I think we got you clean babe” She whispered in his ear. He straightened up in one sudden movement, almost comically, and patted her leg, hurrying her up. She went out, splashing his head with soapy water, and grabbed one of the towels “I’m going to leave you so you can prepare then”

“I will be there as soon as I can”

“No, don’t, I mean, take tour time” Kyung Soo gave her an exasperated look calling her name, elongating the last sound, provably seeing the worry in her face and voice “Don’t worry, go get dry” He splashed her some water and she finally walked out of the bathroom.

Trying to follow Kyung Soo’s advice to not to worry, she began preparing too. She brought the lube, harness, and dildo from her bag and toss them on the bed. Immediately, questions began flooding her head. Was it too soon to use a strap? Kyung Soo did tell her that he had used toys in the past. But what if the dildo was too big? What if he didn’t know how to prepare himself? Should she had brought poppers? Where poppers legal? What if she hurt him with her big dildo, not enough lube, and the lack of poppers? What if she traumatized him for not being able to fuck her boyfriend the right way?

She was pulled out of her panic when Kyung Soo grabbed her hips and pulled her to him. Capturing her by the waist and pressing his body to hers. He whispered her name on her ear and nuzzled her neck “What are you doing standing here?” She didn’t know what to answer. He moved his hands over her body “At least you are dry…is everything alright?” After a couple of seconds, she answered, or tried to “Is everything going to be alright?” She asked him trying to, as always, find some calm in him “Everything is going to be amazing, fucking amazing” He was able to pull a laugh out of her “Are those your implements?” He pointed at the bed where the three pieces rested “Yeah, lube, strap, and dildo, you like it?”

“It’s pretty, good size too, can’t wait to see you wearing it, why aren’t you wearing it?”

She turned around, hugging him by the shoulders pressing her chest against his. She always liked how his face changed whenever she did that “I was panicking a little bit, and forgot what I had to do” He kissed her nose and gave her a soft slap in her left thigh “Get on the bed and kneel over there” He ordered pointing at the edge of the bed. She took two steps back and climbed on the bed. She kneeled where he said and stretched her arms calling for him. He walked into her arms with a grin on his lips, holding her close, as he always did “Kiss me” He whispered, not that she needed the order, but she appreciated the low whisper. As soon as her lips grabbed onto his lower lip, something inside of her unleashed. Something between them began. Kyung Soo always deepened the kiss, sucking on her tongue and getting her first moan. She was so addicted to grabbing his hair as he sucked on her lips, stroking his shoulders as he rubbed her tongue with his. With one last lick to her lower lip, he moved along her jaw and down the slope of her neck. Their hasten breaths were synchronized, as their hands caressed each other’s skin. His lips were just a breath away from hers as he whispered beautiful things about her body, about his want. And she wanted, needed to give him everything he wanted. But his touch always overpowered hers. His hand moved with confidence and decision over her body. Knowing that he had complete freedom to do whatever he wanted. Confident that he knew just what she liked. She had that confidence too. But she was always so distracted by him.

He moved his hands down her waist, fondling her ass sweetly, making her giggle with the tickles. His hand kept moving down between her thighs until he reached her center moaning in triumph as he moved his fingers softly over her folds, spreading her wetness “You are already wet” He said, looking at her with wonder “I sure am…you get me like this so easily”

“Is it my touch or what is about to come?” He held her stare as he kept moving his fingers slow enough to drive her mad “It’s both, it’s everything, are you nervous?” She was acting a bit selfish worrying about her side of the story, of what she could do wrong, without checking on him first. Although he kept reassuring her how much he wanted this, she needed to check every step with him. His comfort, and his consent “A bit” He scrunched his nose, looking down “Relax” She whispered, caressing his ear “Touching you relaxes me” He rested his head on her hand “Then go ahead” A rumble of laughter in Kyung Soo’s throat made her sight, feeling completely taken by him “You are really looking forward to this” He joked “Really, really, really” She hid her face in his neck, already feeling a bit too much. Feeling like melting into his body. She grabbed his right hand, and he stopped moving immediately “Not yet?” He asked, voice soft and genuine. She only shook her head and with frenzy licked her way up to his neck, getting more moans and whispers in her ear. Although she wanted her pleasure, and she knew she was going to get it later, this was about Kyung Soo. And she wanted to make him lose his mind between her arms and legs.

She straightened her back, and whatever look she was giving him, he liked it. She could tell by the slight blushing and the cute smile on his lips. She reached for him with both hands, caressing his cheeks, feeling their warmth. She followed the path of his necks, shoulders, her fingers brushing his stiff nipples. With only her fingertips she caressed the soft lines of her stomach and kept moving down, inexorably towards his cock, but she passed it by and moved down his thighs, before going back upwards. This time she did what they both wanted and with one hand she began pumping his cock and held his waist with the other. She pushed down towards his pubic bone and then hard against the top of his dick. He was now fully erect, thrusting into her fingers.

Shame or even self-control were two concepts that weirdly applied to their relationship, so with that freedom falling upon them, she put her hands to work. One hand went to his balls, massaging and pulling, just hard enough, using the knowledge she has gathered over months of knowing him and touching him. Her other hand clasped around the base of his cock and squeezed. He choked out her name, and grabbed her face in his hands, bringing her lips to his, without kissing her. Just breathing and cursing on her mouth. She stayed like that, one hand around his balls, the other around his cock, swelling it. He got his pleasure, she got hers, and also an injection of confidence with every word of encouragement he roared in her lips. There was fire flowing through them, melting every cell of their bodies. She wanted him to go down on her, to ride his thigh, suck his dick. So many things. But above all that, she wanted to feel the strap around her hips. The power and unrestrained satisfaction that came from it.

Following a long, deep moan, he let go of her face and grabbed her wrists, stopping her hands from moving. He kept quiet, staring at her lips, frowning, a light sweat forming on his temples. Her body shivered with the tension he was forming. If he wanted her to beg she would do it happily “Kiss me, Kyung Soo, please” She felt his grip tightened, as he granted her wish, kissing her hard and fast. The kiss was short, as he began kissing across her chest, slowly, firmly. He traced along her collar bones, her nipples, lingering there, biting them, and pulling them. She was suddenly very aware of them as one of his hands let go of her and traced a line down her sternum, across her stomach, and in one swift move he cupped her pussy and inserted two fingers in. He did it in time to his lips pinching her nipples. She shouted in pleasure, throwing her head back, moving her hips as his fingers continued moving inside of her. His lips kissed their way to her ear and with a low whisper he asked her “Do you want me to make you come?” She shook her head, her mouth too busy moaning “You want to make me come?” She nodded, searching for his lips, but not succeeding. He was now away from her, his hand had moved from between her legs to her hips “Then put that on and do it” He pointed at the middle of the bed where the strap on was. She noticed how his fingers were still wet, so in an attempt to balance the power, she grabbed his hand at took it to her mouth, sucking him clean “Sit down and watch me get ready” He smiled as she gave his fingers a last suck. Kyung Soo sat at the edge of the bed and handed her the strap. She grabbed it and told him to pay attention “So next time you can put it on me, it’s not hard, but I’m particular about the tightness”

“I’m going to burn it in my memory”

“Very good” She slid the piece up her legs and arranged the straps over her hips and under her thighs. With clumsy fingers, due to the whole situation and a bit of rustiness from her side, she arranged the sliders, tightening them around her body. The dildo moved rather comically as she accommodated the strap, but it was part of the experience so she just giggled. Once she was done, Kyung Soo reached for her, so she took a step closer and let his hands wander over her strap “It doesn’t hurt, or scratch your skin?”

“No, this is good quality, no chafe, water-resistant, I can even wash it in the washing machine” He chuckled and with one finger followed the line of the purple dildo “Nice color” He commented, weighing it on the palm of his hand “You like it? Like how I look on it?” He stood up and pulled her to him by the straps of the harness “I like it, and you look beautiful, tell me what to do now” She took a deep breath, her heart racing “Get on the bed, to start, get on your hands and knees, I’m going to prepare you and then we can start, is that alright?” He took a deep breath, clearly feeling the same things she did, and nodded once “It’s alright, I’m a bit embarrassed, I’m not sure that’s the right word, maybe a bit self-conscious”

“I think that’s the right word, but don’t worry, you are going to start enjoying it soon” He nodded again and gave her a peck on the lips, turning around and climbing on the bed.

She had to slap herself to wake up from the daze of watching him just give himself to her, and to pump herself up. This was going to be unforgettable for both. And it was all in her hands. And she was going to do it perfectly. She was going to fuck the hell out of him.

She already knew how much experience he had. How much he could take, after speaking long and open about it over a couple of phone calls. She knew she didn’t need to explain too much to him either. But she knew she had to check on him in every step, after all, this wasn’t the same as using his fingers or a butt plug. Kyung Soo handed her the bottle of lube and arranged himself on the bed, as he told him, on his hands and knees.

She felt so lucky, so incredibly in love with him. Especially when he looked over his shoulder and asked her what she was waiting for “I’m sorry, I was just taking you in”

“Yeah? Looks good?”

“So incredibly good”

“I’m glad, so…I just have to stay here” She kneeled next to him and held his cheek, making him look at her “Stay here, relax, tell me if you feel any discomfort and if you like it…I want to hear that too” He nodded and patted her thigh, hurrying her. She went back to her previous position and squirted a good amount of lube in her fingers, spread it around her dildo, and then reached for his hole. At the first touch, he jolted, so she stopped immediately. He told her to go ahead, so she did. She moved the tip of her fingers in circles, covering the exterior with lube. Massaging to help him relax and stimulate him. With one long breath, he bent his elbows, resting his head on the bed, bringing his hips up. She smiled to herself and followed the need of her other hand. She grabbed his thigh, moving her hand up slowly until she reached his behind giving it a hard squeeze “Kyung Soo, babe, can I spank you later?” He released a breathy laugh “Sure you can, it’s only fair, I always spank you”

“Thank you” She whispered, vibrating with excitement. She kept moving her hand up, caressing the dimples on his back, staying there a bit longer as she kept massaging his entrance. Feeling it warmer, and definitely more relaxed. She looked at his body, feeling some appetite growing in her. A need to lick up his spine and taste the gold that came from the sun. She kissed his lower back and kept moving up. Kissing and licking each bump of his spine. Kyung Soo had his face hidden on his arms, she could hear low moans escaping his lips as he moved his hips, seeking more of her touch. Arching his back, begging her to enter. She positioned herself behind him and held to his hips, grinding the strap onto him slowly. He released a breathy laugh “What?” She asked surprised “I’m so turn on is stupid” He followed by a chuckle. She laughed with him, grinding again against him, turning his cute laugh into a moan “I need to prepare you some more though” She offered with a bit of worry “I’m fine, I already took care of it” She didn’t want to make him wait anymore, so she reapplied lubricant on him “Take a deep breath, relax and release as it goes in”

“Ok”

“And tell me if it hurts”

“I will” She kissed his right cheek and eased into him slowly. She saw in awe how he opened up for her. Slowly, with a slight resistance, but with a soft yet constant pressure, she was able to get half of the strap inside him. She listened closely to his sounds. Grunts mixed with soft moans, his shoulders looked tense, but the curve of his back told her that he wasn’t that bad. She had to ask anyway “Are you feeling alright?” She stopped moving before getting his answer “It feels weird, but no pain whatsoever”

“Want me to go on?”

“Yes please, I want it all in” She jolted as she felt his sentence hit her right on her clit. Excitement rumbled in her chest imagining how good it was going to get. Because it was never enough, she purred some more lube on her and kept pushing in, holding his hips with one hand and the base of the dildo with the other. Soon enough, she was all in.

Kyung Soo asked her to stay there, without moving so he could get used to the fullness. She caressed his thighs and back, looking at where they were connected with a big smile. She liked looking at his buff frame in the bed, under her. Because even if they were the same height, she always felt smaller in his arms. A sense of him covering her, embracing her. It wasn’t bad at all, but she always enjoyed being on the other side. Now she didn’t feel bigger, she wasn’t seeking that. But she felt him as something precious between her arms. Someone she needed to take care of, be very careful not to hurt him. Never to hurt him.

Kyung Soo’s shoulders were now fully relaxed and breathing more steadily. He reached behind with one hand and grabbed her hand that was resting in his left hip “I’m good now, move” She didn’t answer, only held onto his hand and began moving. Her hips backed up enough to leave only the tip of the strap in, and then with a slow motion, she went back in. He offered less resistance this time, but she was equally amazed and aroused by his body taking her in. He shivered, breathing faster. His hand let go of hers and went to his dick, pumping himself slowly. She moaned, lowering her chest, and hugging him from behind. Kyung Soo answered with a moan, lifting his head from the mattress and resting on his hands. She kissed his shoulders and neck, and he moaned, turning his face, searching for her lips. The cuteness and sexiness of it all made her buck her lips a bit harder, to which Kyung Soo answered with a louder moan. She was going to apologize for the sudden move, but he interrupted her “Like that, keep moving like that babe” She held his hips and straightened her back, arranging her angle. Now that she had his permission, she began experimenting with different speeds. Going in slowly, bucking her hips harder, in one swift move or faster, going in and out quickly. He was gasping with pleasure, getting out soft moans. Heat was unfurling in her core and she felt a quickening in her veins. She wasn’t going to come, neither Kyung Soo, but the sensation was close to that. The faster she moved her hips, the more she felt the strap rubbing her. There wasn’t a direct stimulation, but rather a constant pressure that kept her aroused. That and seeing her boyfriend enjoying this. Kyung Soo’s back was glistening, his muscles showing more due to the current workout.

She lowered her hips, trying a different angle, and started making small circles with them “Fuck, that feels amazing” He grunted, his mouth open and panting. She repeated the movement and grew a bit more confident, finally owning her role. She began pulling his ass into her as she pushed into him. Then slid out of him, and squeezed his ass, dropping the first slap. He jolted, releasing a gasp mixed with a moan “Do it again” She repeated her moves, getting another moan.

After a couple of times, Kyung Soo patted her thigh, calling for a time out “It's everything ok?”

“It is, it really is, I’m just a bit…overwhelmed” She used that time to reapply lube in their dildo, as Kyung Soo controlled his breathing. She massaged his thighs and butt cheeks, and despite how beautiful was her current view. She missed his face. She missed looking at him as they had sex, seeing his pleasure take over. His dark eyes and red, wet lips “Kyung Soo would you turn around so I can watch you” She asked softly, sweetly, knowing that it will take some convincing from her side. And his answer was what she expected “Is it really necessary?” Followed by a groan “Please, do it for me, I really want to see you, and also is going to feel great I promise”

“I know it will” He grunted again and slowly turned around, hissing as he sat on the bed “What? What is it? Does it hurt? Did I peg you wrong?” He started chuckling, covering his face with both hands “No you didn’t peg me wrong, I’m alright” He arranged his head on the pillows, dried his forehead with the back of his hand, and looked at her with hooded eyes “What?” She asked, fixing her hair, slightly self-conscious under his stare “You look gorgeous” He muttered, uncovering his face “I do?” Kyung Soo’s legs were slightly open, so she got in between them, hovering over him, one hand on each side of his head “You too, so beautiful” He gave her a beaming smile, turning his head to the side to drop a kiss on her wrist. The shine of his neck, covered in sweat, caught her attention. She lowered her body and dropped a kiss on his jaw. When Kyung Soo tried to turn around and kissed her, she grabbed his chin and held his head still, giving her better access to his neck “I’m all sweaty” He complained, but she ignored him, leaving a couple of love bites on her way. After showering his face with kisses, she pushed herself up, arranging herself between his legs. She took in his current estate. Messy hair, red lips, and shiny eyes, his neck now marked by her, sweaty chest, still breathing heavily. She could tell he was enjoying all this. Hopefully thanks to her. But what made her the proudest was the red, hot erection he was displaying “Look at you, so pretty” She simply observed, but still made Kyung Soo chuckle with a bit of embarrassment. She was hovering over him again, trying to go for another kiss, when her hair popped out the bobby pin she had put on. Locks of hair cascaded over her face, tickling his face, getting in the way. She lifted one hand from the mattress trying to fix it, but Kyung Soo bit her on it. He passed his fingers through her hair and then carefully placed it behind her ear. With soft fingers he caressed down the shell of her ear, rubbing her earlobe. She moaned with his touch, closing her eyes in pure pleasure “You liked that?” He asked amused “I like how soft you are”

“Soft?”

“Yes, soft, because even when you are rough with me, it’s rooted in your tenderness, the calm you share with me”

“So it’s a good thing” He wondered, fixing her hair on the other side “It’s a perfect thing” He grabbed her by the neck and pulled her down for a kiss. His tongue tracing over her lips, a possessive hand on her neck “You are not done with me right?” He whispered against her lips, low and fast. She answered with a smile, moving away from him, this time for good.

She arranged a pillow under his hips, caressing his thighs on her way. She repeated the process of lubing him up and her strap. There was always a hint of a smile whenever she looked at him, already relaxed and less worried about being exposed to her like this “Ready?” She asked him, kissing his right knee. He only nodded, taking a deep breath as she rubbed the tip of her dildo over his ass. She pushed inside slowly, noticing how easier it was to get in. Kyung Soo released a long moan, lifting his head from the bed, looking down at them.

This position was definitely better. Watching his expressions, seeing his chest move in compass with his heavy breathing. She moved her hips slowly, watching her strap going in and out of him, feeling extremely aroused by the scene. Doing this now, knowing that he was watching her, made her feel bolder. More sensual and definitely more resolved to give him the best night. Kyung Soo's hands wandered down his sides, locking his fingers with hers. He pulled her hands to his hips and held them to his hipbones “Go harder” He mumbled, moving his hands over his dick, grunting as she obeyed, pounding him harder. There was a short moment, just a couple of seconds where she felt like looking away. As if this was too intimate for her to watch. Too beautiful and bright. As if looking at the sun. But after those two seconds were gone, she reminded herself that this was for them to enjoy, for her to watch. Just for her. And she was going to make sure that she was the only one having him like this. The only one that he could come to when needing this kind of pleasure.

A pleasure that she knew she was going to need again someday. Because the power she felt, the constant rush of pleasure between her legs, the drops of sweat falling down her back, and their sounds were unique and addictive. It was driving her crazy, and she could tell Kyung Soo was on the edge too. She knew him good enough now, she knew every single one of his gestures. Kyung Soo bit down his lower lip, grabbing her hands and tightening his legs around her. She grinned in triumph before he said anything “I'm going to cum” He grunted, bucking his hips restlessly. Her dirty mind worked quickly. She stopped moving her hips and made him look at her “Where do you want to come?” He kept silent, his ears reddening adorably “Please say it” She pleaded, rubbing the back of his hands soothingly. He groaned, and then pulled himself up, letting go of her hands to grab her face. He pressed his forehead to hers, their mouth so close that when he finally answered her question, his lips were brushing hers “I want to come inside you”

“Fuck” She grunted against his lips, pulling out of him and getting on her back. Because she wanted the same. She began pulling the strap loose to take it off, but Kyung Soo stopped her “No, leave it there” She felt her eyes water. Too good to be true.

Kyung Soo helped her arrange herself on the bed and then tried to reach for a condom. But without second thoughts, she grabbed his wrist “Don’t… I want it all inside me” He whispered her name in shock and asked her twice if she was sure “I am, do you want it too?”

“Yes, fuck, I want it too” She pulled him closer with her legs, and bucked her hips against him, desperate. He licked his lips in the most menacing yet sensual way. With a half-smile, Kyung Soo grabbed her by the strap pulling her closer. He caressed her pussy, up and down, slowly, covering his fingers with her cum “You are so wet, so hot, I can see you enjoyed fucking me”

“Kyung Soo, you can’t even imagine how amazing it was” He chuckled, grabbing his cock, teasing her entrance “If it felt half as amazing as it is to fuck you, then it was worth it”

“Did you enjoy it?” He chuckled again and began pushing inside her “Why don’t you feel how much I enjoyed it” He tried to do it slowly, but she felt how he began losing control, shoving his dick inside her in one rough push. She moaned loudly, arching her back, grabbing her breasts to enhance every sensation. Kyung Soo cursed again, bucking his hips slowly, his eyes tightly closed as he buried himself deep inside her. She sighed, feeling some sort of relief, surprised by how nice it felt to be stretched by him, skin to skin. She opened her eyes, looking over at him. He had his eyes closed, his long lashes fluttering, his nostrils flaring as he grunted long and low. He called her name a couple of times, a sharp inhale brimming with longing. He began moving his hips slowly, their moans harmonizing. She watched him struggle to keep his eyes open when she couldn’t close hers. Not wanting to miss any of his reactions, keeping all this in her memory. But her memory wasn’t enough. She wanted the feeling of his skin burned in hers, and the taste of his mouth in her tongue. She reached for him, stretching her arms, but only brushing his shoulders with the tip of her fingers. She called his name, a whisper that was barely audible between his grunts and her moans. She tried calling him louder, and he finally opened his eyes, an urgent look in his eyes. She moved her fingers, stretching her arms farther away trying to reach for him. Something close to a growl sounded in Kyung Soo’s chest, and he did what she was begging for. He dropped on top of her, taking her breath away. Their mouths, all thrashing lips and probing tongues, ravenous animals. His fingers rivaled to reach her ribcage and grab and squeeze her waist. He let go of her after giving a long deep suck to her lower lip and kissed his way down to her chest. Kyung Soo groaned, squeezing her breasts together, and sucking a nipple between his lips “Don’t stop, please don’t stop” Her fingers weaved through his thick, dark hair, holding him prisoner against her chest. His rhythm remained slow. He panted and groaned on every stroke. Her release was pooling, so close, but not there yet. The edging was maddening and addictive. With one of his thrust, she felt him deep inside, and he stopped moving. He stopped kissing her and just rested his forehead on her chest, breathing heavily. She rubbed his neck and caressed his shoulder blades, moving her hips to the side, just a small movement to gain some friction “You are so deep inside me baby” She purred, with a clear agenda. Kyung Soo bucked his hips, moaning and getting what she wanted. He lifted his head, locking eyes with her, his cheeks red and his eyes shining “You are so fucking hot, I’m going insane” He ended with a short laugh, giving a hard thrust. He pushed himself up, making her miss his chest against hers, but sure that it was about the get better. He lifted one of her legs up to his shoulder, opening her up even further for him. He pulled himself out of her, looking between her legs with wonder as he rubbed himself. She was shaking, breathing fast, her hands sliding down her body, wanting to touch herself, but the strap was still on her way. She tried to lose it, move it to the side, something. But Kyung Soo grabbed the dildo, and pulled her hips to him, ramming his cock deep into her. She moaned loudly, and lifted her back, propping herself up on her elbows. Kyung Soo’s pace took off at speed, each thrust more powerful than the last. He let go of her strap and grabbed her head, pulling her closer as he laid down on her, stretching her leg and moving deliciously inside her “I’m going to come” He whispered, looking her in the eye “Yes! Don’t stop and come with me, give it to me Kyung Soo, fill me up baby” Kyung Soo cursed loudly, giving short and quick thrusts, moaning against her mouth. One last curse came before he pushed hard, spilling inside her. In an attempt to shut his moans down, he sucked on her neck, making her see white, finally reaching her orgasm. She held to his shoulders as she could, moving her hips with

no control, moaning on his ear, feeling him all over her walls. His open mouth was panting against her neck, whispering her name as she was still moaning, moving her hips seeking for more, just a bit more. With a loud grunt, Kyung Soo pulled out until only the tip of his cock stayed inside her and then plunged back inside. She moaned again, as he gave her a breathy laugh. She laughed with him, her gaze fixed on his face, his pupils blown wide enough that his eyes looked black. His body undulated, rocking in and out for the last time. She could already feel him going soft inside her. The muscles of his shoulders and chest began to relax beneath his skin until he finally stopped moving, drying his forehead with the back of his hand. She felt the aftershocks of her orgasm ease down her body, making her stretch her limbs. There was a short silence after both of their moans ceased down and their breathing reached a normal rhythm “Are we going to need another bath?” He asked to break the melted ice. But she ignored him at first, focused on the way he was losing the sliders of her strap. She let him finish what he was doing, a small smile on his gorgeous lips as he pulled the piece down her legs and then tossed it somewhere in the room “A bath sounds good, but later, come here first” She laid on the bed next to him, her head on the fluffy pillows and grabbed his arm, pulling him to her. He laid next to her, passing an arm under her waist and a leg over her hips. She cuddled him closer, hugging him and pulling his face to hers, catching his lower lip with her needy mouth. As always, he responded with the same neediness. Kissing slow, nasty slow. His hand moved over her back with more gentleness, his breath and moans a soft whisper. She rubbed his left thigh, trying to ease some of the soreness he must have felt, and then over his lovely ass. Carefully, in case he was feeling any discomfort “I’m ok” He commented between kisses, reading her mind “You sure? It doesn’t hurt?”

“No, there is a ….sensation, but I wouldn’t call it pain” She sighed with relief. Kyung Soo opened his eyes, now less dark, but clearly a bit tired. He looked at her, making her feel flustered under his stare “What?” She felt her cheeks growing red and she loved that feeling "Stay, stay with me the rest of the week." He sounded so serious, she could almost feel the possessiveness in his hands that held her ribs. This was the first time he had ever said anything like this to her before. Not even as a joke. It was usually her that decided on the time they spent together, how long she would stay at his place. It was almost an order, he was taking control of their time. "I think your orgasm is talking." She tried to ease the intensity in his eyes, in his words. "No it's not, stay for the week, stay for the rest of your life with me." She giggled seeing his grin get larger, his tone softening to a light tease. She grabbed his face, squeezing his cute round cheeks before kissing him tenderly. "Let's talk about it over breakfast ok?" She asked, trying to appease his sudden need for her to stay. She wasn't trying to give herself time to think about it, she knew what she wanted. She only needed the time to make a few calls, move things around to free up her week. But there was a conversation they needed to have, needed him to hear. Because being with him for a week, at their beloved farm, will only make her wish for more. For more than a week here with him. And if she were honest, if that couldn't happen she'd just kidnap him and disappear in the forest. Away from work, away from weekdays, away from only weekends.

After all, maybe she was the Hulder he claimed her to be.

The End

[parrishh]

about to write the world's longest post (a review? maybe?) because i don't know anyone else who has read mister impossible yet and if i do not write my thoughts down SOMEWHERE i will either combust or eat my own foot, probably (spoilers, obviously)

genuinely brokenhearted (and cried a lot) over ronan in this book. part of what i loved so much about cdth was the sense that ronan had at least made some progress in regards to his mental health, self-love, etc. and now we're seeing him in such a dark place again that it hurts to read. it was sad enough believing, for almost the entire book, that he was blindly idolizing bryde for this reason (declan's "ronan is a follower" speech in the cafe with carmen actually killed me), and i thought maggie was just going for the whole "unhappy people are more susceptible to cults" thing. but to find out that he MADE bryde? that he felt so alone and so hopeless that he dreamt THAT? this read like some sort of super-villain origin story. i know ronan believes he's doing the right thing, saving dreamers and dreams and all that, but at the core of it all he's really doing it because bryde told him to, and bryde only exists because ronan subconsciously hates his life so much he'll do whatever it takes to make himself a new one. that just makes me incredibly sad

uhhhhhhhh bad day for pynch stans. we didn't technically get the dreaded break up, but it feels like we did anyway. even the sweet moments (e.g. ronan's memory of adam's gloves) are immediately followed up by something sad (e.g. the memory not being enough to keep ronan from sticking with bryde) (also, fletcher tells the moderators that they're broken up, so does that mean adam told all his college friends he's single?) there are several moments in which ronan makes it very clear that he will (and does) prioritize what he's doing with bryde over his relationship with adam (hanging up on him at the end? what the fuck) and like, i'm definitely not saying his boyfriend should be the #1 most important thing in his life because that's not healthy, either, but the dude is clearly very unhappy & insecure in the relationship. i still think (hope?) that they'll get a happy ending because ronan definitely cares about adam deeply (not wanting bryde to say the word tamquam, keeping adam out of his dreamspace so he doesn't lose harvard, etc.) but things are looking pretty grim right now :/

adam loves ronan so much it makes me crazy. he could easily say "fuck this" after ronan doesn't speak to him for weeks, especially knowing that ronan's capable of reaching out because he still talks to declan and especially after being blocked from ronan's dreamspace, too. i would be pissed if i heard from my bf for the first time in weeks and found out he only called because he needed a place where he & the guy he ditched me for could crash. but adam still spends the free time i'm sure he doesn't actually have keeping tabs on ronan and reaching out to declan and pretty much doing everything in his power to help. and oh my god even after ronan hangs up on him we still see him scrying to try to get to him and i need to move on now before i scream (but first, declan lynch = #1 pynch stan??? the number of times he mentions adam when thinking about the things he wants ronan to keep safe, help me)

speaking of adam, i had to put the book down and take a lap after his first appearance. i cannot believe this boy is charging harvard kids for fake tarot readings and making hella cash off of it. KING. genuinely some fantastic adam content in this. i love that he talks to the gray man. i love that we are reminded that he's literally brilliant. but also, he makes me sad, too. when declan mentions how ronan is the ONE person who adam opens up to and how all of his harvard groupies are just "ducklings"........honey, i love you, please, please, please make some real friends

hennessy's pov also breaks my heart. it's maybe even worse to read than ronan's because she's fully aware of how unhappy she is and the bluntness of it slaps you across the face. the memory of her mom's painting was genuinely chilling (the lace pattern on the floor - was that how the Lace started? am i understanding that correctly?) and the fact that it was so dreadful she accidentally made a sweetmetal....poor hennessy :( also, the things she said to jordan, right after she made half a dozen real ass people crash their cars and didn't even bat an eye about it....yikes. i'm glad she teamed up with carmen and liliana, though. i love my team of wlw girlies (also really interesting that carmen/liliana believe the Lace is something out of hennessy's control while ronan/bryde believe it's something she can get rid of if she just tries hard enough. what the fuck is the Lace, it's driving me nuts)

CARLIANA KISS CARLIANA KISS CARLIANA KISS

jordan's pov!!!!!!! delicious, finally some good fucking food!!!!!!! i'm happy that she's starting to see herself as her own person, independent of hennessy, and the whole forgery/original work metaphor was really cool (her first original work being a portrait of declan 🥺🥺🥺) i loooooove her relationship with matthew and how she speaks to him and that they're able to connect with each other because they're both dreams. i love that she's able to make him feel more human

JORDECLAN KISS JORDECLAN KISS JORDECLAN KISS (but i'm even more hung up on declan just casually talking about MARRIAGE, oh my GOD)

declan my beloved....my sweet......absolutely obsessed with him saying "screw politics, i'm leaning into my crime side" and OBSESSED with him being happy for once. i know the other shoe did drop and now things are all messed up again but it was so nice to see him so content, at least for a little while. he needed a break (also was laughing my ass off at all of ronan's dream creatures just climbing onto his bed in the morning and his screaming and how matthew was so used to it he BRUSHED HIS TEETH before going to help. iconic)

matthew's pov was also really upsetting but 🥺him deciding he's tired of just being treated like a pet and that he deserves to have a future so he goes to sign himself up to finish high school 🥺

quick note but the whole sweetmetal thing is really interesting as a concept. loooooved the way maggie incorporated the gardner museum heist into the story

THE ENDING???? WHY THE FUCK IS JORDAN AWAKE. WHY THE FUCK IS RONAN STILL ASLEEP. WAS ADAM STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF SCRYING WHEN THE LEY LINE DISAPPEARED, AND, IF SO, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR HIM. WHY ARE LITERALLY ALL THE MODERATORS DREAMS. WHAT IS HAPPENING